#my thinky thoughts

[illmetkismet]

I'm thinking about how in RE4 Ashley is pretty much the same age Leon was in RE2. I'm thinking about the contrast between these two photographs of them we see in the game, where they're both 20/21:

Leon's is taken presumably right after he got out of Raccoon City, traumatised all to hell. Ashley is smiling in her picture, before everything that's happening to her went down.

I'm thinking about Leon, so determined to save her, to be there for her in a way that no one could be there for him, when he was her age. Telling her to keep going even though she's so afraid (he was so afraid too).

He tells Ada he's changed after Raccoon City, but she doesn't think so, and I think she's right. Despite what happened to him, Leon stayed.... Kind. He empathizes with Ashley, understands the fear she feels all too well, because he's been there when he was her age, and by saving her he saves that part of himself that's been slipping away for the past six years.

[Bonus:] I think the photograph of Luis and his Dream Team was taken shortly before the Raccoon City incident too, because it's implied they worked on Nemesis, so that would make him roughly 21 also in this photo:

He helps Leon and Ashley as a way of atoning. Ashley's the same age as he was when he (boy wonder, cocky genius) did this horrible thing, and meeting her gives him the opportunity to redeem a part of his soul that's stuck back there in that picture, young and thoughtless.

So yeah. Three very different photos of three very different people who were irrevocably changed at that same point in their lives. People who came together and each, in their own way, reclaimed something they lost.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #ashley graham #luis serra #my thinky thoughts

[kind-of-gauche]

okay I've been thinking about ed replacing the auxiliary wardrobe lever with the skull a lot. like too much

ANYWAY

i was trying to sus out how big it was and. I think he stuck the skull ON the mannequin figure??

literal deepfried edits sorry but. look. i am thinking about the symbolism but also. my sweet baby edge lord....

#is this common knowledge?? or more likely no one cares but me but. but im obsessed #ofmd s2 trailer #ofmd s2 spoilers #my thinky thoughts

[sagewhite]

It took me so long to finally play stray again. I never completed it the first time. I never really slow down these days. I'm always, always moving and doing something. I'm physically in need of movement that I just cannot rest! But anyway, I just had to say that Stray has strong themes centering on the importance of connection. With the self and with others.

#my thinky thoughts #stray 2022 #stray game #stray cat #themes #it made me cry #my writing #write #writers on tumblr #my journal

[ao3commentoftheday]

managing creative envy

Just like in other areas of our lives, it's easy to be jealous of others when we create in fandom spaces and post online - the online aspect of fandom just offers more opportunities for it. Hits, kudos, comments, reblogs. Whatever unit of measurement you look at, there's always some number out there ready to tell you who's "better" and who's "worse" at whatever creative endeavor you engage in.

Except that none of those numbers actually gauge skill or quality.

When we're jealous of those numbers, what we actually wish we had isn't bigger numbers, it's attention. Reassurance. Excitement. Community. Whether the number is 5 or 5000, that's what it represents. We want those things and that other person has more of them, and so we end up jealous.

To manage that jealousy, we need to understand what we need and then find ways to get it. It might not come from posting on AO3, but maybe it comes from a local writer's group. Maybe there's someone in your life that you wish cared a little more about your "silly stories" and took you more seriously when you spoke about writing. Maybe what's missing isn't related to writing at all and it's more about having someone who cares about you and thinks you're important.

But numbers are just one thing to be jealous of. Perhaps the envy is instead because of another person's abilities. They come up with such interest plots! They have such fun ideas! They always have the perfect words, the singing phrases. For them it's easy, and for me it's just impossible!

Whether it's easy for them or not isn't what's making us envious, though. It's not about them and their abilities at all. It's about feeling like our own skills are lacking. The envy comes in because that person has what we want and don't yet have.

If we want to get past this type of envy, we need to refocus our energy away from being sad or angry or hopeless because another person is able to do something. Focus instead on celebrating the things we already do well. Take the time to notice improvements. Identify specific things we want to do better, and figure out how to learn. Remember, asking for help is always an option - and it might even lead to that feeling of community that might be lacking too.

Emotions are information that we need to take the time to interpret. Take the time to reflect on what's causing it. Find the thing that's missing from your experience and then figure out how to fill the gap.

#thinky thoughts #I haven't quite got all my thoughts together on this one yet #but I want to put this out there #and see what experiences other folks have had #try to fill in the gaps in my own understanding

[baambastic]

Like all things, whether the seven deadly sins are actually bad depends on context:

Wrath can be righteous and focused at injustice. Or it can be the aggressive abuse of power.

Greed can be the desire to live a life free of unnecessary hardship and wanting to be successful. Or it can be the desire to exploit and harm others in order to benefit yourself.

Pride can be acknowledging the efforts you’ve made, the work you’ve done, and the ways you’ve improved. Or it can be refusing to acknowledge your own failings, even to a dangerous degree.

Lust can be the desire for intimate relationships where you are valued for who you are rather than how you can benefit someone. Or it can be the reason for incredibly predatory behavior and refusing to take “no” for an answer.

Gluttony can be the desire to have more than others try to insist you deserve, when you’re worth so much more. Or it can be unhealthy excess that hurts you and your relationships.

Sloth can be the desire to live a life where you are not expected to and do not have to spend every moment of your life working or worrying about your future. Or it can be the refusal to improve yourself or act on your needs.

Envy can be the desire to attain the success another person has, and using it to motivate yourself. Or it can be a burning hatred for someone else’s success that motivates you to tear them down as much as possible.

Looking at it, by framing these desires as bad no matter the context, it allows those who abuse their power to demonize those who have no power, to make them feel as though they are undeserving of an enjoyable existence, that their happiness and desires are immoral if they don’t benefit someone else.

#i could probably tie this further into religion capitalism and ourity culture but im tired #there’s obviously overlap #but lust greed and envy are just different facets of the same desire so it’s fine #my thinky thoughts #the seven deadly sins #seven deadly sins #sins #rambles #ramblings #🐍

[thebibliosphere]

I got an ask over the weekend, which I now can't find (sorry), but it related to this post talking about book comps in mainstream publishing and how I think trad-pub would describe Phangs.

Fortunately, I didn't have to think about it too hard because I already talked about this with one of my editors when that post went around. Gently rolling our eyes at trad-pub as we concluded that I'd most likely be marketed as "Twilight meets Fifty Shades" at worst and "Gail Carriger meets... probably Fifty Shades" at a hopeful best.

(Which... I mean. Yeah, I could see the Carriger association. Fifty Shades, however, nope, nope. Absolutely not.)

And I think we can all agree if I got marketed as Twilight meets Fifty Shades, you'd have a lot of disappointed people.

Not to mention the people who would enjoy Phangs wouldn't pick it up because Phangs, as it has been described by the actual fans, is the queer goth love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen, replete with vampires, werewolves, [REDACTED BEINGS], tongue-in-cheek social observations, multiple depictions of disability representation and a burgeoning dom/sub dynamic that expands into a happy open throuple in the second book after several bouts of vigorous communication.

Yet the industry would latch on to the vampire-werewolf dynamics, try to sell the polyamory as a love triangle, then lump the dom/sub elements into the horrific kink rep that is 50 Shades of Yikes because that's all it knows.

It knows "these are the things that made a profit; therefore, we must find ways to compare them, or we cannot market them," because they will not take a risk.

It's sad.

And also why, unless I'm offered obscene amounts of money, I'll be staying in my indie-self-pub lane. Trad-pub wouldn't know what to do with my disabled queer monsters.

They already demonstrated that when I did shop the novel around and I was asked to "tone down" the disability and also to turn the polyamory into a love triangle. So just, y'know, the core essence of the entire series 🙃.

#rambling with joy #indie author stuff #don't mind me just having my thinky-thoughts out loud

[minecraftbookshelf]

Traffic Life: Widows Alliance

some minor secret life spoilers below.

The Widows' Alliance name drop in the most recent session has me being extremely normal about everything.

I just love that alliance so much. It is, as far as I can think, the only alliance in the entire traffic series that has survived all five seasons now without a single betrayal and the only murder has been consensual.

Third Life was the setup, they didn't get to actively team together so much but they had their deal and their plans, Cleo just died before they had the chance to see them through, and Scott followed not long after.

Last Life, the infamous Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss teamup my beloveds. Cleo was a semi-latecomer to the trio but it was never in question and they both stuck with it through to the end.

Double Life, The Official Team, when they turned on Pearl and still stuck by each other, to the point that they axe crit each other to emphasize to their government assigned soulmates that they didn't need them, they had each other. (Pearl's powdered snow came after the axe crits i will scream about this until i am hoarse, she retaliated with lesser damage to an injustice and cruelty done towards her first.)

Limited Life, Scott took refuge with the Clockers multiple times when the entire rest of the server was hunting him and Cleo gave him shelter without question each and every time. I think he set his spawn in their base more often then he did in his own. He also gifted multiple of his lives to them, Cleo especially, and traded a couple more.

And now Secret Life. When they tried to avoid teaming up and yet...and yet.

#trafficblr #secret life spoilers #secret life smp #zombiecleo #smajor1995 #widows alliance #third life smp #double life smp #last life smp #limited life smp #i have so many Thoughts and Feelings about how Pearl plays into this too #but that is another post #i just had to throw my DL pet peeve in this one too #rain rambles #thinky thoughts #life series

[amagicbeyond]

okay confession time: I watched Good Omens when it first came out, and had a perfectly lovely time. It was fun and David and Michael are spectacular to watch and they were clearly having the time of their lives playing these characters together. I saw the love there and like, fully supported the ship in theory but could not for the life of me fathom how these two, who'd been dancing around each other for six thousand years or more, could possibly ever move out of the subtext and the dancing into something more explicitly romantic. I couldn't conceive of it, it didn't seem feasible. They seemed, to me, perfectly content to continue on as they always had, as the single most important person in each other's lives and the person each most enjoyed spending their time with, perhaps just a little more ready to stop pretending that wasn't the case. I didn't buy the holding-hands-on-the-bus thing. I couldn't read fic about them, no matter how brilliant or well-written! None of it seemed plausible to me. I couldn't see the pathway, the journey they still needed to take to get there. Not without another couple of thousand years to do it.

(I want you to know that I write this with full respect and admiration for those who've actively shipped it from the start - I'm just working through my own experiences as a viewer who wanted to ship it whole-heartedly but just couldn't manage it, and could never quite put my finger on why.)

When the heart shaped started popping up on all the promo materials for season 2, I thought oh no. He's gonna do it. How on earth is he gonna make me buy in?

Well.

I get it now. This is the angel and the demon who love humanity the most, who have made Earth their home, who have learned to revel in Earthly pleasures like food and drink and music and books and cars, not all at once but over time. It makes perfect sense for them, with the evident changes in their relationship in the years since we've last seen them, to finally endeavor into human touch, and to explore it together. Dancing. Human expressions of comfort, and love. Reaching out, a simple touch on the shoulder, or chest. A kiss, all wrong, for all the wrong reasons. A kiss, eventually, all right, made even more exquisite by the knowledge of the wrong one, and the journey they took to get there. Maybe someday more.

I know none of this is groundbreaking or new and everyone else saw it a long time ago. But I get it! I see the vision! I understand.

What was the point? The point is the best of humanity. They get to have it too, and to express it and wonder at it and learn it together. The point is love.

And I am fully on board.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #ineffable husbands #just some thinky thoughts I wanted to get out of my brain so I can avoid thinking about the way Crowley said #and i want to spend... #😭😭😭 #it's all so deliciously awful and they fully deserve the most softest and also the biggest most dramatic movie reunion kiss ever #😭

[once-in-a-blood-moon]

Solomon who’s lived for so long he can’t remember most of the things he’s done so most things feel new to him 🤝 Me who has the worst memory known to man that things I’ve already done also feel brand new

#we’ll experience ‘new’ things together wow! #i know this man is generally forgetful too so it makes me feel some better #like it’s bad #the amount of times i’ve watched game grumps play wheel of fortune and play along to it knowing i’ve solved the puzzles before but can’t #remember so whoo! look i just solved that one! #the most simple of things as well are forgotten to the whirlwind that is my mind #three things i have planned to do for the day… only remembers one #i’m very thinky but won’t remember anything #thanks depression 👍 #sorry for the rambles in the tags 😗 #obey me #obey me solomon #jo’s thoughts

[illmetkismet]

Hello is this a pack of cigarettes on the desk at the back of Luis' lab?? I need to know so I can think about Leon picking it up and maybe there's like, three cigs left in there, and he keeps the pack with him like it's not weird, like he doesn't do it because he knows the thought of those cigarettes left behind in the lab probably drove Luis nuts.

"Got a smoke?"

I know that's meant to just be a code phrase or something Luis and Ada had, but Leon watched Luis play with his lighter, his fingers itching for it. So Leon keeps the cigarettes, tucks them away in some pocket of his body armour. Fishes them out days later, back in his apartment. The pack is rumpled all to hell and he feels a pang of something that isn't quite guilt. Something that slides sharp and cold between his ribs.

The pack sits on his coffee table for a week before he fishes out a cigarette and smokes it. He's been drinking, so he's not responsible for the idea. He's not responsible for the lighter he bought on a whim a few days prior, either. There's no meaning in the way he flips it open, efficient and graceless, not the way Luis did it at all.

The sound of it makes him shiver. The quiet little click-fwoosh of the mechanism and the flame, muffled in the closed-in darkness of his living room. It had been so much louder, then. Seemed to echo off the rock all around them. The flame is dimmer now too, illuminating nothing but his own hand.

Leon takes a drag and it feels like drowning. He coughs, sputters, choking on the stale smoke smell of him. He can't do it. Takes another swig of his third beer of the night and just watches the cigarette glow red between his stiff fingers until it dies, the curl of the smoke drifting up and out of sight in the dark.

He smokes the second one when he's stone sober, just to prove to himself that he can, that it doesn't mean anything to put a dead man's cigarette between his lips and feel an ache as it gets shorter with every drag. He thinks about the cigarette slipping out of Luis' bloodied mouth. He thinks about the way his breath smelled like this smoke, and his jacket too. That same taste in his mouth when the cigarette's done. It doesn't mean anything. It's the same familiar sorrow he's been carrying with him for years, all the people he couldn't save.

But this one's different.

It's different because Luis lights the final cigarette in the pack and takes a drag so deep it makes him cough.

"Lungs still shit," he says, mock-apologetically.

"Getting a knife thrown in your back will do that," Leon grumbles, and makes to grab the cigarette out from between Luis' fingers. Not quick enough.

Luis raises his hand above his head, over the ratty arm of Leon's disgusting old couch, and smiles down at him all smug.

Leon huffs. Says, "Whatever. Aggravate your barely healed injuries all you want," and gives up his half hearted attempts at snatching the cigarette from Luis in favour of slumping back down against his chest.

"Oof," Luis protests at the weight of him. "You're one to talk, eh? Been aggravating my injuries all afternoon."

Leon closes his eyes, ear to Luis' chest, listening to the inhale of another drag, and underneath it the quiet thump thump thump of his heartbeat.

"Hm," Luis hums. "Don't get all morose on me now, Sancho. I didn't shake hands with the devil and come back from the dead just to suffer your pouting."

"Ada's not the devil," Leon insists, because he's grateful. Because she rang his doorbell and left a near-corpse of a man on his doorstep, and then fucked off again before he could even thank her.

"Mmm," is all Luis says to that, reaching instead for the crushed and battered pack of cigarettes on the coffee table but finding it empty. He sighs, asks, "Wouldn't happen to have another one of these, would you?"

Leon is sleepy. Leon feels good and peaceful and tired. He mutters, "Nah. Don't smoke."

"Then what are--" A pause. Luis turns the empty pack over in his hand, then says, "Ah, seems I've bedded a sentimental fool," with a smile so smarmy that Leon can hear it in his voice.

"Don't you ever shut up?"

"I can certainly be persuaded to," Luis says, his hand dropping back down from the arm of the couch to card through Leon's hair.

"Ugh," Leon groans, but without a shred of conviction.

Luis huffs a laugh and Leon can hear it rattle in his lungs, can smell the smoke on his breath, and that's apparently the secret combination that makes the cold sharp thing that's been lodged in his chest finally slide right out.

#haha oops it turned into a little fic? #would be real embarrassing for me if that's not even a pack of cigs on the desk... #it's fine #I'm so normal about them #and The Rituals #resident evil #resident evil 4 remake #re4 remake #luis serra #leon kennedy #serennedy #my thinky thoughts

[stagefoureddiediaz]

So they’re really pushing the communication aspect of all the relationships we’re seeing this season aren’t they -

Athena and Bobby - not communicating until they have to, then communicating well and them being stronger than before.

Maddie and chimney doing pretty well at communicating but things getting a bit lost in translation occasionally but even then they still end up on the same page and the strength of their relationship is evident. And they tell each other everything and that tendency is healthy and helpful

The subtle communication between Hen and Karen (that I’m sure were going to come into play much more as the season goes on) that speaks of how much work they’ve put into their relationship and how well they know one another

The fact we’re now seeing Maddie and Hen communicating after their chat last season - how much growth there has been there when before it was non existent - how Hen is trusting of Maddie because of Chim.

Some interesting tension in Hen and Chims friendship - the evidence that they normally communicate well but didn’t this time - which is pretty jarring when compared with the Jonah arc that showed their friendship off so amazingly. So this not communicating this time is setting off a mini siren and I think it’s being done e to set up some bachelor party shenanigans

The fact that Chris is prepared to be open and communicate with Buck - building on what we’ve seen in previous seasons - that Chris has this safe space he can be open in.

Then we have literally all of the calls and people on the boat - showing poor communication for the most part - rocket couple just sniping at each other, hot tub couple not being fully honest/keeping information from each other, car crash dude being incapable of communicating properly but also unwilling to. Lola and Norman not communicating so their marriage has become broken, the comma line on the ship being taken out by the pirates, the family all talking over one another and missing their sim who doesn’t communicate and is in his own world. The various other characters such as casino chips guy - communicating loudly over everyone else and drowning them out.

Tommy faking communication issues from the chopper.

The only ones we see communicating well are the captain and her second in command.

And then we have Buck and Eddie’s communication being all over the place. We have them talking and communicating well when talking about Chris, and they’re more in sync with each other on callls etc than we’ve ever seen them. But then we get this juxtaposition with other aspects of their lives - girlfriends and relationships. Even the Shannon aspect isn’t something we see them discuss - Eddie overhears it.

And that’s the crux of things really isn’t it - this inability to communicate with one another around relationships - because it’s the only thing they’re not talking about with one another. (We could argue that they’ve not talked about their trauma as well but the trauma is so very connected into their respective relationships that it feels like it’s one and the same)

I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this beyond it clearly being a season set up around communication (even Maddie and Chim exchanging vows is them communicating) and that the show has loudly been setting up a failure to communicate for Buck and Eddie in this specific area is pretty telling given if you ask me- it’s the elephant in the room for them and it feels like we’re about to finally hit critical mass with it

#this is a rambly mess but it’s 2am and my brain doesn’t want to compute any more #911 spoilers #kym Thinky thoughts #911 abc #it’s all about communication

[sagewhite]

Knowing you were looking for something easy pushed me to become something difficult

#my thinky thoughts #creative writing #my writing #write #writeblr #writers block #writers blog #writers on tumblr #my journal #writers #vent #my words #women writers #writer problems #writers life #writers of tumblr #writers on writing #writerslife #writersociety #writing

[ao3commentoftheday]

There have been times when I've created something in order to please other people. I had various reasons for doing that, but invariably that meant that I had to get most of my happiness from how those people reacted to what I'd made.

There have also been times when I've made something completely self-indulgent. When I've found an idea that is absolutely delightful to me, and I've turned that idea into something I can enjoy again and again. In those instances, I got my happiness from both the process of creation and from returning to the finished product to enjoy the result.

In some extremely fortunate cases, the things that I have made for myself have also prompted other people to respond to my creations, and that is when my happiness has verged on ecstasy: a wild rush of joy that carried me through dark times and propelled me to further acts of creation that I never would have achieved otherwise.

I can't expect that third scenario to be my default. There's no telling what other people will and won't enjoy, and honestly I don't always want to share the things I create. What I can control is how I spend my free time and what I do with my creative energy.

Sometimes I'll create for others. Sometimes I'll create for just me. And sometimes, when I'm lucky, the stars will align and those two audiences will want the same thing.

#thinky thoughts #write for yourself is a pithy phrase #that leads to some people feeling pithed off #and I get that #but I think that's partly because there's no nuance to it #anyway #this is just my own personal view of things #it might not apply all that broadly

[baambastic]

My Personal Taxonomy Of Beasties:

Crawler Class

Swarm Class

Companion Class

Beast Class

Village Class

Leviathan Class

#i will elaborate more upon request #my thinky thoughts #taxonomy #of beasts #beast #beasts #beasties #beastie boys #beastiary #bestiary #taxonomic #nomenclature

[roosterbox]

Heyyyyyyy Steddie thinky thought time again! And I’m putting it under a cut because, YET AGAIN, my hand slipped and I accidentally almost 2,000 words.

Tags: ANGST, miscommunication, HOH!Steve, Mean-and-Overly-Defensive!Eddie

So picture this, if you will…

High school AU. Probably no Upside-Down. Steve is deaf/HOH. He signs, but he knows that not everyone else does, and so few take the time to learn, especially not for him, so he usually carries around a notepad too. Just in case. Someone (probably Dustin, lbr) asks him to sit in on a Hellfire meeting. Heck, maybe even asks him to join. Steve is unsure, but he’s open to new experiences and Dustin always makes his favorite club sound really awesome (also the guy who runs the club is super cool and hot too, but shhhhhh). So sure - he’ll check it out.

The day comes and Steve gets there early. Like really early. In fact, he’s there before anyone else. Which is fine; he can use the extra free time to do a little homework, right? Thing is though, he’s so focused on his notebook that he doesn’t notice somebody else come in - Eddie. And there are four important things to note about Eddie.

He doesn’t know Steve is deaf.

He doesn’t know that Steve has been explicitly invited here by Dustin.

He knows Steve only by his reputation. So, not good.

He’s as protective of his club and the kids in it as a mama bear.

Needless to say, these four factors combine into a perfect storm, and Eddie is immediately on the offensive.

“Hey!” He says. “Hey, Harrington!” He continues when he gets no acknowledgement. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

No answer. Steve doesn’t even look at him. Just keeps writing in his notebook.

“Hey asshole! I’m talking to you!” Eddie’s volume is rising, as is his temper. Despite his uncle’s best efforts, Eddie’s never been the best at keeping cool. But, man, the disrespect. It tends to eat at him. And coming from King Steve of all people? Oooooooh doesn’t that just make his blood boil. Eddie stalks over to where Steve is sitting. If he thinks he’s gonna waltz in there and tease or humiliate any of Eddie’s little sheepies, he’s got another thing coming.

Steve, meanwhile, is just happily doing his homework. Maybe doodling a little in the margins. Wondering if Eddie looks as cool running the club as he does around school. Especially when he’s up on the lunch tables ranting about conformity. He’s so lost in thought that a sudden hand on his arm shocks him out of his chair, up to his feet. And just like that, he’s face to face with his secret crush, the one and only Eddie Munson. He smiles, but only for a moment as he sees Eddie’s furious expression. The other boy’s lips are moving. A little fast, but Steve does his best to read them.

“-hell are you doing here, Harrington? This isn’t one of your stupid jock sports teams. If you’re here to hurt these kids-“

Steve’s eyes widen. He tries to sign something. No, no.

Eddie sees Steve looking scared, waving his hands. It only serves to make him angrier. Steve sees he’s getting nowhere with sign, so he grabs his notepad and starts writing. He can still see Eddie saying something in his periphery, and he tries to write fast. To clear up any misunderstanding.

But then. Eddie goes too far. He manages to hit on one of Steve’s biggest insecurities mid-rant. And then he keeps digging at it. Steve stops writing and just… stares. Like a dog, Eddie cannot let go of the bone he’s found, so he keeps going. Insert any list of your favorite Steve insecurities here. His upbringing. His (bad) relationship with his parents. His reputation (which Steve hates so much). His intelligence. His fighting skills or lack thereof (poor Steve: getting beat up in every universe). And the worst part is how mean Eddie is about it. The kids tease Steve too, and yeah sometimes it hurts, but it’s never felt as outright cruel as it does when Eddie says it.

Steve’s eyes fill with tears, despite his best efforts, and while Eddie is mid sentence, Steve decides he’s had enough. He shoves his notepad at Eddie, into his chest, eliciting a surprised huffed exhale, before grabbing his bag and just running. He runs out the door, out of the building, to his car, and drives himself home. He doesn’t stop crying for hours.

Eddie, after the surprise of Steve shoving him and running out, just rolls his eyes. “Typical,” he mutters under his breath. “Fucking prick.”

He looks down at the notepad in his hands, still mad but also curious as to what Steve had thought was so important that he just had to start scribbling it down while Eddie yelled at him. And…

Not here to hurt, I swear. Dustin invited me. He’s like my little brother. I’m deaf - sorry couldn’t hear you talking. I’ve seen you around, and I think you’re pretty cool. I’ve never played DND before, but Dustin really loves it. Maybe I could-

That’s as far as it went. And man. Imagine the feeling of your heart sinking, dropping down past your stomach, through the ground itself before finally coming to a stop in the molten core of the earth. Imagine that, and you may experience a fraction of the almost instantaneous levels of guilt Eddie feels at that moment. All at once he thinks of how Steve had looked at him after he first got his attention. He had smiled. Fucking grinned. He was happy to see him. Happy to be there. Eager to see what Hellfire was all about. Eager to learn.

And Eddie had just taken that happiness, that earnest interest, and stomped on it. Crushed it utterly beneath his sneakers as if it were a cigarette butt.

The other guys start filing in. Including Dustin. But before he can say anything (maybe to ask where Steve is, and why the hell does Eddie have his notepad), Eddie shoves past them out the door.

“Eddie, what-“ Jeff starts.

“I’ll be right back,” Eddie calls over his shoulder as he quickly makes his way outside. Just in time to see Steve’s car speeding out of the parking lot. He curses, loud enough that a few students still milling about jump at the unexpected noise. Eddie doesn’t care. He messed up. He really fucking messed up, didn’t he?

He makes it up to Steve eventually. It takes time, of course; Steve’s trust is a hard thing to earn even on a good day, but after that first encounter? They’re not just starting at zero; they’re practically starting at -1000. He starts small. Little exchanges here and there. Usually with Dustin (or, occasionally, Steve’s best friend Robin, who looks at Eddie like she would flay him alive if Steve gave her the word) acting as a sort of buffer. It takes almost half a dozen of these group encounters before Steve says (writes) a single word to him, and even then it’s perfunctory. Cold. Simple. And it definitely hurts, just a little, especially since Eddie’s crush that he’s had on Steve since freshman year has been steadily growing with every exchange they have. As monosyllabic (if even syllabic at all) as they tend to be on Steve’s part. But every time he feels that hurt, Eddie thinks of how Steve had looked at him when he left the club that day. How sad and angry and frustrated. And he pushes his own (tiny, inconsequential by comparison) hurt aside. I can do more, he thinks.

One day, he manages to corner Steve on his own, without Dustin or Robin. Steve is annoyed - he still gets that sinking feeling of hurt whenever he’s with Eddie (which is enhanced (terribly so) by the stupid crush he has), and immediately pulls out his notepad. Starts writing on it. Something simple and to the point. Leave Me Alone. Or maybe Go Away. He gets as far as the first word before he realizes that Eddie isn’t talking. Not aloud, anyway. No, he’s signing. A bit clumsily, and a few of the words are wrong but close enough to understand. One sign is chief among them, though.

I’m sorry.

And in that moment, maybe, it hits home for Steve that Eddie really means it. Means it enough to try and learn an entirely new language to meet Steve where he is. He looks in Eddie’s eyes and he can see the guilt and shame swimming there. The hurt is still in him, that’s not going away with one apology (though this isn’t the first one Eddie has given him, of course), but still. Steve scratches out what he had been writing in favor of something else. After a second, he hands Eddie the paper.

I can’t forgive you. Not yet. You really hurt me. But thank you. When did you start learning to sign?

He sees Eddie’s eyes get a little watery as he reads, but then he’s handed back the notepad. He had thought that Eddie might take the easier route and just write it down, but no. Instead, with his hands free, Eddie continues signing.

A couple days ago. Stayed up all night. His cheeks were darkening. Blushing in shame at his rudimentary skills. Bad at it. Sorry.

And maybe it’s just because Eddie is one of only a handful of people Steve has met that have taken it upon themselves to learn sign, or maybe it’s that damn crush he can’t seem to lose, but Steve shakes his head. No, he signs, trying to keep it simple. Good.

Eddie looks away, signing Bad again. Steve touches his hand, the first point of actual physical contact they’ve had since that day at the Hellfire Club. Their eyes meet, and Steve signs, with as much emphasis as he can, GOOD. And then, Thank You.

Eddie looks down, suddenly feeling oddly shy. He’s still blushing but he also can’t help but smile. There’s the ghost of a dimple on his cheek, making Steve’s heart give a weak little flutter.

You’re welcome, Eddie signs.

After a long moment, Steve writes something down. He doesn’t want to overwhelm Eddie with signs yet. Not to mention that he doesn’t know how deep his (apparently only days-old) knowledge base goes. Best to go easy on him.

Maybe we could… start over?

He holds it up for Eddie to read, face a picture of inquisitive hope. The other boy nods, starts trying to sign, but gets frustrated rather quickly before holding out his hand for the notepad. Steve chuckles and hands it over, not missing the way Eddie’s blush deepens even further at the sound he probably made. Maybe his crush isn’t as one-sided as he’d been thinking.

Yes! Absolutely! If we are, then consider this your “first” official invitation to the Hellfire Club. Today, after school. (There’s a “I” here but it’s scribbled out) We would love to have you there.

I’ll be there, Steve writes. And, after Eddie reads it, he makes sure to get the other boy’s attention before he slowly signs the same thing. I’ll be there.

#stranger things #Steddie #my stuff #writing is hard #rooster’s thinky thoughts #deaf steve harrington #mean eddie munson #miscommunication #angst #and then they fell in love? #yup #they definitely did #lol

[purpleminte]

I was about to go off saying how I found it a bit cute that animal crossing went out of its way to specify clothes made of things like faux fur and pleather to make those types of materials more realistic in a world of anthropomorphic animals, but then I saw this and threw those thoughts out the window.

#animal crossing #thinky thoughts #yea no this is honestly rather frightening to see and now I fear for my furry friends