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charcubed · 3 years

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Let's talk about Supernatural 15x07, "Last Call."

Or as I like to call it, "the episode that makes me go feral because it tells us so much about Dean's sexuality, character, and arc."

YES others have written meta! YES I will talk about it myself for the satisfaction! I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

This post was originally a thread on Twitter and I am crossposting it to my blog.

Alt image IDs are included in that linked Twitter thread!

Join me on this journey.

What's the context of this episode? Dean's been kind of down/depressed, feeling hopeless in the face of the idea that they have to defeat God (and not really working towards that goal much), and he's mid-divorce with Cas. He goes out on this solo case to try to clear his head.

And he ends up at Swayze's Bar.

Look, there are many things to be said about this. Dean loves Patrick Swayze. Arguably has a CRUSH on Swayze. It's very tied up in Dean pretending not to like "chick flicks" but he secretly does, which is queer coding. This was a Choice™️.

Speaking of Choices™️: professional actors made many here. Deliberately.

Dean is smacked on the ass by a woman and then Lee smacks him on the ass too. Dean and Lee CONSTANTLY have physical familiarity and fond eye contact. I will limit myself to 1 paragraph about this lest I list it all.

My point is that I just really need every person to digest and accept the fact that this is textually bi Dean. Not subtext; it's TEXT.

Dean and Lee had a relationship. Their history is alluded to in touch and in words. They had an orgy together. Dean's bisexuality is not repressed.

It's also now canon that Dean tries to hide that he can sing well. Most people don't know (like Sam) but some do (Lee). Hence "Eye of the Tiger" callback.

And so: that's also the implication for his sexuality. Dean singing ON STAGE with bi lighting is him being ready to be Out.

They dedicated an entire half an ep at minimum to emphasizing he's bi... and to Dean having a conversation with someone he (initially) trusts about potentially having a break from hunting, and what that could mean.

LEE: You're chasing missing persons, huh? I thought you'd be on to something bigger by now, like the Loch Ness Monster... Bigfoot.

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't.

LEE: Damn, brother, that's dark.

DEAN: Yeah, it's been a rough, uh... it's been a rough decade, Lee.

LEE: Yeah.

DEAN: But that's a conversation for a different time, 'cause this, this right here, this is all right.

LEE: Well, I'm glad you approve. This is nothing you can't have, man.

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys?

LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

"But Lee turns out to be a villain!" some might say. "Isn't the point that giving up hunting is bad?"

Nope.

Lee's a DARK MIRROR for Dean. He exists to exhibit the truths behind Dean's desires, and then what they'd look like if they turned bad. Take it from him: "I am you."

There are LAYERS here. You can't focus on the dark side and ignore the truths that take place in the (often bi) light.

The singing? The conversations about taking a break? Throwing men out of the bar, which is framed heroically? "Road House rules" (another Choice™️)?

NONE of that was bad. It shows what Dean wants.

Things only get bad–literally and visually–when Dean's tied up as Lee suddenly says wrong things in the dark.

The contrast exists to show that maintaining Goodness is a choice, and Dean would have no problem upholding that.

LEE: It's called a marid. It's a freaky-looking little thing, isn't it? [Lee laughs, and Dean stares at him, incredulous] Ah. As long as you feed it, it gives you money, it gives you health, everything you dreamed of.

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent. After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

LEE: Yeah. And that's what got you here. Now, takes a while to drain a man, but listen to me. Don't worry about it, all right? Don't worry because once you lose a couple of pints, you just fall asleep, and then it'll be over.

[Lee pats Dean on the shoulder]

DEAN: Lee.

LEE: This... this is not how I wanted this to go, Dean. When that blonde girl walked in here last night, I should've know, you know, Dean Winchester, the righter of wrongs, you were gonna keep digging, and you were gonna figure me out. And if it's got to be you or me, well, I got to pick me, man.

"No one cares, Dean."

"Well, I do."

It's a reminder to himself as much as it is to Lee. It's a re-centering of purpose that he sorely needs.

And what's also key? Lee is human, but is now a "monster" in Dean's words. Because Lee lost his ability to care, Dean can't abide by that.

(Side note: bonus for the fact that Lee dies up against a wall by being impaled and he coughs up blood. You know who doesn’t cough up blood in their very weird and unrealistic death scene? Dean in the finale.)

Remember: Lee is a dark mirror for Dean. "I am you."

By fighting and (tragically) killing Lee, Dean "kills" the darker side of himself. The side that's struggling to keep going right now... AND the side that fears eventually wanting a break means you must be selfish and stop caring.

He can keep going. He can find strength to fight God–and in the end, take a break and CHOOSE peace. It won't make him dark. He's the most caring man on Earth, even when it's hard. That’s reinforced later.

Isn't he owed a little happiness? And that's not in the having. It's in just being.

The bonus is what's going on with Cas in this episode.

Dean's clearing his head and finding his center again while Cas is calling him.

Come home. I need you. Remember what matters.

And again, contrast: Lee turns out not to be "real/true" in the way Dean thought he was. But Cas IS.

And after Dean goes through all of this... he's grounded again, he recognizes that even amongst questions of what God controls there are still choices to be made, he's reminded that letting his caring heart lead him is priority, he's lost another friend...

He comes home to Cas.

It's awkward. They're still distanced.

But this episode is a turning point for Dean. He's not angry at Cas anymore, he wants to talk, he's ready to move forward... he just doesn't know how to yet.

And if you follow the through-line... then you get Rowena saying "fix it"... and then after that is the Purgatory prayer.

I just !!!

S15 is packed with Dean development to hone in towards the end of his arc, but "Last Call" manages to hit SO many buttons.

• He's always been bi, & is ready to be Out

• He can want a break–& maybe run a bar like the Roadhouse

• Caring is at the core of who he is

It's about the CHOICE. It's about wanting to live your truths, and that "caring" can mean many things–from defeating God and saving the world, to making the hard choices when it counts, to maybe running a bar where people are safe.

14x10 and its matching Texan Star also say hello:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can't have?

DEAN: Whoa.

PAMELA: Besides, you don't want me. You just like to flirt. I'm a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

PAMELA: So, still not ready to sell the bar, huh? It's a lot of money.

DEAN: Sell? This bar? This is my dream.

PAMELA; Yeah.

And I recognize that rereading this info is sad(der) now because of what we got in the end, so uh... sorry.

But that's half the point: it's repeatedly blatantly clear what we were meant to get, down to deliberate echoes in word choice–caring, happiness, deserve, even Roadhouse.

Dean was meant to choose to take a break, maybe run a bar–whether on Earth or in Heaven. At minimum, if Dean was meant to end up in Heaven, he was meant to choose it with eyes wide open. And the next time the phone rang with Cas' name (15x19), he RAN for him. He was VERY ready.

And the whole season tells you that. This episode is just my favorite.

So... thanks for letting me ramble on about it!!!

DEAN WINCHESTER: BI ICON, ONCE-LOVER OF LEE WEBB, THE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH WHO DESERVED TO CHOOSE PEACE AFTER GAINING HIS FREEDOM, & SOULMATE TO AN ANGEL

And a very big thank you to the talented kings Jensen Ackles & Christian Kane, and their longstanding friendship. They gave me many rights with their acting choices.

Here's an iconic bonus for the road.

#supernatural #spn meta #15x07 Last Call #Lee Webb #Dean Winchester #Destiel #Dean is bi #took a lot of self control for me to not go FUCKING FERAL in this #char writes things

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supernaturallyobsessedchic · 3 years

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Dean Winchester One Shots

(*Some miniseries will be in here since they started out as one shots...)

Demon Drama - Dean’s pushing her away. She loves him, and wants him to know that. But the Mark of Cain makes things difficult. Can she get through to the older Winchester?

Junkie - Dean’s a demon, and the reader just wants to be the best hunter there is. Demon Dean knows the fix for that.

An Angel Learning - The reader wants Dean back. Michael knows it, and knows what both want. But, when Dark Kaia comes knocking and tries ending Michaels plans, the reader has something growing inside her, that follows her in a new life.

My Arms (Song Fic) - After a rough hunt, the reader sings a song to remind Team Free Will, that it will all be fine if they leave their worries and stress behind, relax now. Worry later.

Whisky Lullaby (Song Fic) - Dean’s lost his family. He turns to drink to end his pain. His heaven makes it all worth it.

Soulless - The reader has feelings for Dean, but doesn’t know how to tell him. But when he brings home a girl, it hurts the reader to the point she does something drastic. Can Dean fix his mistake?

Comfort - After a rough hunt, Dean seeks the comfort of his girlfriend the reader.

Death Sentence - A classic, Dean being pissed about the readers safety. The reader risking her life for the man she loves.

Goner - The reader has had feelings for Dean for a while. Feelings are realized in this story, after a day of pranking gone wrong when Sam pranks Dean into thinking the reader trashed his car. Or, did he have it planned all along?

Our Work Never Ends - Years in the future, turns out Dean had a daughter with Cassie, and the daughter of a victim once saved by Sam Winchester are out looking for them. The hunter’s life sucks them in when they discover the bunker, and a certain archangel released from the Empty causing chaos and mayhem. It’s up to the Winchester’s to save the world, once again.

Still Hurts - The reader is in Supernatural, but things are still moving on in her other world. Makes things more difficult for the reader.

Fur Babies - A special fic, one where the reader’s childhood dog passes away. Dean does the sweetest thing to help her feel better.

Save Him - Sam and Dean go on one last hunt. But just before the older Winchester can accept his fate, his little brother fights for him one last time.

Firsts - Dean and the reader try something on their date night.

More Dean - Dean is very active and shows his girl love in every way possible.

The Birthday Boy - The reader plans out a whole day just for Dean’s birthday.

It would have been your Birthday - It would have been Dean’s birthday, but Jack has a surprise up his sleeves.

What I’ve Done - A “sort of” a episode rewrite of Supernatural episode “Inherit the Earth.” (15x19), Chuck has control of the reader.

Not You - A witch hunt goes sideways when Dean is under a mind control spell. The reader tells Dean the importance of forgiving himself.

Better this Way - Dean pushed her away. Maybe it was for the best.

You’re Not a Monster - Dean discovers something different with the reader and it changes their relationship. Is there anything worth saving after Dean learns the truth.

Crash Project - College!AU, The Reader’s priorities are a little messed up, when Dean and the Reader are paired for a project, Dean picks up on changes in the readers appearance.

You Belong with Me - Dean and the reader are heading back to the bunker from their hunt, just them. After some close calls, they’re a little shaken up. But a storm makes it impossible for Dean to keep going, so he has to pull over and wait for the storm to pass.

Sick and Empty - The reader returns from her universe, feeling empty and dead inside. Dean does everything he can to bring her back to life.

Someone Needs a Hug - Dean is having a bad day. And starts pushing the reader away. He learns how much a hug can help put him back together.

Anything for my Girl - The reader tries drinking, Dean may have gone over kill with the type of alcohol the reader tries. So, he takes care of her hangover the morning after.

Forevermore - It’s Dean and the readers wedding day. And she can’t help but remember all of the days and moments Dean has won her over.

You Feel Safe - After a trying hunt the reader comes home, exhausted and feeling less than. Dean helps takes her mind off of things.

Sharing is Caring - Dean and the reader are on a hunt, and while on the long drive back Dean checks into a motel that only has one room left with one bed. And the reader learns that sharing isn’t all bad, especially when your walls have weakened and need to be held together by a pair of strong arms and glued back by true and encouraging words.

Turn - A hunt goes sideways for the reader and she’s bitten by a rare alpha, not all alphas have this ability and she is turned into a wolf. She tries adjusting to being a wolf and a hunter with Dean Winchester, an alpha of his own pack.

Turn Part 2 - Sam tells her what really happened to them. But reveals something else she was not prepared for.

You’re It - Mecahnic!AU, Her life is falling apart around her. So she heads to her hometown to start fresh. But is she ready to take on what awaits her in Lawrence Kansas.

Love Hurts - Dean had a rough hunt that brought up some old memories. But when the reader doesn’t give him the chance to explain things go from bad to worse for the couple. (requested)

He Obviously Cares - The reader just went through a break up, Dean, Cas and Sam try to lift her spirits up and remind her she deserves to be happy. Maybe she should find someone who obviously cares.

A Whole New World - Everyone’s dynamic has changed. But a new threat looms over the Winchester’s and Jack wants to come up with an easy way to really ensure everyone is safe.

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mittensmorgul · 3 years

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So for the most part, I outright reject the finale. But I do think, in light of the whole "Jimmy was supposed to be in the bar, and Dean was disappointed by that because his perfect heaven would have Cas in it" just makes me all the more convinced that the final episode was some kind of djinn dream. Like.... There's no other explanation in my opinion. If Dean's perfect heaven was supposed to have Cas, and he tragically gets faked out by Jimmy (????? Why tf would jimmy be there anyway), it just proves that it's not ACTUALLY heaven. That, along with he El Sol beer he's drinking is all the evidence I need. I think after 15x19, Dean and Sam got whammied by some monster, and are stuck in a hallucination, and that's what we're seeing. (My headcanon is that it's actually The Empty doing it, because it knows if it doesn't keep Dean and Sam occupied and spinning in circles, they'll invade the Empty to save Cas. So its trying to prevent that) :)

Hello, anon friendo! I am gonna start by offering the socially distanced version of a high five, because yeah... There is just so much to unpack here, and you provided such a succinct and all-encompassing series of statements to start from. Thank you!

*flings open array of questionable suitcases*

First off, Congrats on having rejected the finale. I know a lot of folks are still struggling with that one, for many reasons. But you have hit upon so many of the points I’ve been trying to make about the finale since it aired. I’d just like to start with some of the assumptions I’ve heard from folks about the finale that make it impossible for me to consider it fully honestly canon. Because so much about it just makes no goshdang sense... like... not at all...

One of the biggest issues I have surrounding the reception of the finale in parts of fandom is that it portrayed a “happy ending.” The show itself spent the entire final season telling us that a gravestone marked Winchester was not and never would be a happy ending (thank you Becky Rosen-- words I never thought I’d say, but honestly and most sincerely meant). Let’s break this down a bit.

Starting from the assumption that “heaven was fixed” so that characters could have true free will there, making it satisfying in any way that Dean died so young and never got to truly experience happiness during life, I would like anyone who has adopted this attitude to then explain Kansas the band. I mean... explain that in any satisfactory canon-compliant way. (hint: you can’t. it makes zero sense in canon, if heaven is truly reformed and “happy” with everyone in possession of free will.)

Which brings me to Misha’s comments about Jimmy being in the Roadhouse. Why, if heaven were truly fixed, would Jimmy ever in a bazillion years attend a party for Dean Winchester? If Heaven were truly a “happy” ending for Dean, why introduce this element of eternal tragedy and heartbreak to his heaven experience? Why taunt him with the eternal loss of Cas-- even if you don’t think he reciprocated Cas’s romantic feelings, he was canonically the best friend Dean ever had, and being forced to exist forever in a place where he had everyone else he ever cared for except for Cas? Is frankly horrific.

How the actual fuck is that a happy ending, in any sense of the word?

How is this the sort of heaven that Dean would’ve made for himself before it was “fixed?” At least in the memorex heaven, he could’ve lived in oblivious peace with Cas, even if it was always just his own memories and not ~actually Cas~. I honestly think that would’ve been happier than the abject tragedy of what we did get, and what we would’ve gotten had the original script played out.

All of this kind of makes me wonder if they ever even actually defeated Chuck. Like... it feels more like Dean got pulled into the Empty at that moment with Cas and Billie, and everything else after that point was the Empty’s endless experience of sorrow and despair we knew it subject its charges to. So that’s one potential for what could’ve actually happened. I mean, everything about the finale was sorrow and despair, you know? Dean didn’t even get to enjoy his pie at a pie festival because Sam smashed in in his face. How is any of it happy, in any way?

Because if that was actually heaven, there wasn’t actually any free will (because why tf would Kansas the band have chosen to put on that concert? why tf would Jimmy have been there, just to torment Dean with the taunt of Cas returning to him only to have that hope snatched away again? It’s cruel. It’s, in fact, a source of intense despair).

The djinn theory could also work, and I’ve read some excellent fix-it fic using that as a premise. But that doesn’t really explain what happened to Jack (and Amara, since she was in there with them) after hoovering up Chuck’s power, you know? I think the simplest explanations in canon are that Chuck actually won via the unified power of Light and Dark being transferred into Jack and effectively using him as a vessel. With Sam and Dean convinced they’d won, they effectively stopped resisting Chuck’s story for them, and using Jack’s understanding of humanity and the Winchesters specifically, Chuck finally was able to implement a version of his story that the Winchesters would just waltz into without thinking it was supernaturally influenced at all. Going bigger and bigger with monsters and cosmic troubles hadn’t worked, but going so small Sam and Dean would barely even notice the influence-- even with the incongruous reappearance of a vampire that appeared in their lives once, for like two whole minutes 15 years ago, and an unsolved case from the journal from more than 30 years ago that John had never even linked to vampires at all.

At this point, I need to mention that I’m watching 10.23 as I type this up. An episode in which we confront the Mark, along with Death, and Dean’s despair, where he learns a version of the truth (but by no means the full truth, or even accurate truth in some respects) about Chuck’s Story, Amara/The Darkness, etc. That would unfold more fully over the next five seasons. And what was the case Dean took in this episode? Vampires. LOLOL omg this show is nothing if not horrifically consistent, yes?

So because of this, I went haring off through my own blog looking for a post I made a long time ago about the symbolism of how various monsters are used on this show (because again, consistency). I got sidetracked by other posts in my monsters tag, including this from after 15.09 aired, which feels particularly awfully relevant. This was my reaction to Chuck’s Story he showed Sam in that episode, about what the future would look like should he successfully trap Chuck with a Mark, and which... yeah is basically exactly thematically consistent with what we saw in the finale, right down to a cheesy twist on vampires. Read the whole post right here, but this is the part that reached up and punched me in the face:

this is how Dean personally reacts when he loses Cas. We know how he reacts when he loses anyone else– think about what he did when Charlie died. He went on a murder rampage against the Stynes for killing her. When Mary died he broke some furniture and went full bore toward both resurrecting her and stopping Jack. But without Cas, Dean loses the will to fight. Sam has… always been different. He referenced Jess in 15.04 to remind us of how he was after she died in the pilot episode. Just like John, he picked up the revenge mission and ran with it. But for Dean, Cas is different. Without Cas… Dean gives up.

Because... Dean gave up. Sure, he and Sam weren’t overrun by vampires in the end. Chuck knew they’d never stop fighting the monsters, one way or another. The only way to get Dean to give up is something Chuck hadn’t quite figured out yet... maybe not until after 15.17, after confronting Cas in the hallway of the bunker, after absorbing Amara’s power, knowledge, and perspective on Dean.

Chuck needed Dean to give up, and honestly? Pushing Billie to clear him off the table and send him (and Cas, that pesky angel who never did what he was told) to the Empty would’ve been a direct way to deal with that... pretty much akin to having one sibling locked in a cage forever, yes?

Also, still looking through my monsters tag, I’m reminded of 14.15, and still cannot differentiate the version of Heaven in 15.20 from what was done to the people of that town. This... is not... paradise. This is actively what Dean has been insisting is the OPPOSITE of paradise since like… 4.22… No ending where Dean was a “Stepford bitch in paradise” ever had the possibility of being “happy,” at the core of things, and this “fixed” version of Heaven just doesn’t hold up to any degree of inspection. Something is seriously wrong here. https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183465650390/so-can-we-talk-about-this-monster-of-the-week-for

And since I was unable to find the post I wrote who knows how long ago about Monsters and how they’re symbolically used on Supernatural to represent larger themes in the episode, I’ll just attempt to sum up what Vampires have been used for. Revenge. Vampires are always, in some way connected to themes of revenge.

(and hooray, I found at least a post adjacent to the one I’ve spent the last four hours trying to find... https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187207052080/i-obviously-did-not-think-this-through, where I mention that shapeshifters are about revealing hidden truths (mostly about Dean since most shapeshifters are connected to Dean), zombies are about grief and the inability to move past it.)

So why... why at the end of their road is the monster that comes after them-- literally FOR REVENGE for something that had never been blamed on Sam or Dean to begin with, from season 1, directly connected to John’s revenge mission and the first time they learned about the Colt AND the first time they learned in canon that Vampires were even real... like... this feels very specifically like some kind of layers-of-meta levels of shade on them, you know? Vampires are for revenge, so what vengeance exactly is being visited upon Sam and Dean in this episode? If not Chuck’s entire story for them itself?

So yeah, 100% agree, something is incredibly rotten in the finale. And I am sick to effing death of people trying to convince us that anything about this was “good” or “happy” or “satisfying” in any way. Or even “how it was always supposed to end” with Dean dead bloody, as if the entire back half of the series hadn’t been suggesting that a true win was the subversion of all of Chuck’s story for them, and Dean finally being able to have his chosen family all alive, happy, and chilling on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. Nothing will ever convince me that the ending portrayed in 15.20 wasn’t exactly how Chuck thought he “won,” rendering it entirely irrelevant to the rest of canon, unless all of canon was ultimately the tragedy we’d been encouraged to believe would be firmly defeated in the end.

Folks, you can’t have it both ways.

#spn 15.20 #chuck's process #if this was the 'happy' ending for dean they sure did fail big time to make it actually happy!#it makes me feel sick thinking that dean's happy heaven ending was more like an eternal pit of torment #like actively tormenting him and taunting him with the fact that cas was truly gone forever #like wow they went all the fuck out to make it clear that even in heaven #dean would never be allowed to respond to cas's declaration of love #like... it's the most hurtful and hateful thing the show could possibly have done to us #and it still fucks me up knowing there's people who think this heaven was a 'good' ending for dean #like... fuck that entirely and with extreme prejudice #i feel like i have not been emphatic enough about my absolute hatred for this episode in these tags #but sadly there are limitations to expressing the actual feelings i'm feeling in the english language #sometimes the only effective word for these feelings involves velociraptor screeching #Anonymous

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dickspeightjrs · 3 years

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Despair

sequel ‘Hope’ is here

It had been days since Cas d-, since Cas left.

Dean had been struggling to keep his head above water but he couldn’t tell Sam, or even Jack, how he felt.

Sam had lost Eileen and Jack, god, he didn’t speak for the first day after he and Sam had returned to the bunker and found Dean frozen in the dungeon.

Dean hadn’t told either of them the truth yet about Castiel’s confession, about the true reason for his death. When he could finally bring himself to cough out an answer to their questions, he’d told them that Castiel had managed to summon the Empty and sacrificed himself to take Billie with him. It wasn’t far from the truth.

And the truth, well Dean couldn’t even think about that, let alone talk about it.

So Dean threw himself into the search for Chuck. The asshole was still out there after all. Billie may have been dealt with but everyone they ever helped or loved were still missing.

Only, despite his carefully painted facade in front of Sam and Jack, Dean was starting to give up hope. He didn’t want Cas to die in vain - sacrificing himself to save Dean from Billie only for Dean, Sam and Jack to be destroyed by Chuck anyway - but everything seemed so helpless.

Leaving Sam and Jack reading yet another crap load of books, desperate to find a way to defeat Chuck, Dean snuck out of the bunker and headed to the woods.

If he ever told anyone they’d probably call him crazy, but being among the trees made him feel like being back in purgatory.

He wasn’t lying all those years ago when he’d said purgatory felt pure. It wasn’t just the thrill of the constant chase, the adrenaline from watching your back day and night. It was also the simplicity of the setting. The endless forest, nothing but nature surrounding them. All that evil, ugliness and pain contained by the raw beauty of nature - where living and dying are inevitable and unstoppable truths.

And, most of all, it reminded him of Cas.

The amount of time they’d spent there together, purgatory had always felt like theirs.

Dean trudged deeper into the woods, his entire body feeling heavier with each step. He’d probably collapse from physical and mental exhaustion if it weren’t for the soft, cooling breeze filtering through the trees keeping him awake.

He didn’t know what he actually hoped to gain from being out here. But he needed some air, some fucking space to let it go and not be putting on an act.

He missed Cas. It was as simple as that.

Ever since the moment Cas confessed his true happiness, Dean had played it over and over in his mind. Thinking, fantasizing about what he wished he could have said.

“Fuck, man, I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” Dean chuckled bitterly to himself, as he came to a stop in a small clearing.

He felt a little stupid for coming out here and talking to thin air.

Before, when Dean spoke out into the atmosphere, there was a chance Cas could be listening on the other end. A deep seated feeling that Dean was being heard. But now there was nothing.

It didn’t stop Dean though.

“It was just too much, y’know? Looking at Sam and Jack’s faces, trying to keep fighting the good fight. I didn’t tell them - couldn’t tell them the truth. That you said you love me.” Dean said, eyes beginning to water with the memory. “They’d ask too many questions. And I’m not sure I could give them any answers.”

Sam would only have to take one look at Dean to know what Cas’ confession had done to him. Dean couldn’t cope with feeling that exposed right now.

“Why didn’t you just talk to me, man? Why didn’t you ask for help?” Dean asked.

Castiel had to have known that Dean would do anything to save him, didn’t he?

“I want to be angry with you. I want you to be here so I can grab you and shake you for dumping this all on me before I could take it all in. You told me everything and left. You fucking left me, Cas.” Dean sobbed, falling to his knees on the uneven ground. “You said all those- those kind things. Things that I could never deserve. You spoke your truth. But you never gave me a chance to speak mine.”

Dean paused for a moment.

He’d known for a while now what he felt for Cas but he never dared think Cas would feel anywhere near the same.

“You said that you know what it’s like to want something you can never have. But you can have it.” Dean took a final breath. “Because I love you too. Of course, I love you. I’m sorry it’s taken me until now to say it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before you left. Maybe things would have been different if I had.”

Dean had almost hoped that he’d feel a sense of relief at finally saying the words out loud. But he didn’t.

Instead, it felt even more crushing that Cas would have to live an eternity in the Empty, by himself thinking that Dean never felt the same.

Dean sat in the dirt for what felt like hours as the sun began setting low in the sky.

By now Sam and Jack would probably be wondering where he was but he couldn’t bring himself to move from his position.

Overwhelming despair dragged him down.

Eventually, Dean sucked in a deep breath and rose to his feet.

As he did so, he felt a shiver go down his spine that he knew was nothing to with the chill in the air.

He only had one thought on his mind. One last glimmer of hope.

“Cas? Is that you?” Dean whispered. “Are you there?”

But the only sound to be heard was the breeze in the trees.

(Tag list below - if you’d like to be added or removed, let me know!)

@rambleoncas @eccentriccas @joharvele @tearsofgrace @starrynightdeancas @aurastiel @dreamnovak @good-things-do-happen-dean @ccstiel @destielle

@thechaosthatismybrain @rusted-peopleskills @castiel-enthusiast @wheniwrite28 @fandomsofafeather @ripreptaytion @yahfancyclamwiththepurlinside @writtenmemxries @gum-believable @breathingdestiel @squintingg

#destiel #destiel fic #destielfanficnet #dean winchester #castiel #myfic #angst #sad #1k #canon

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apocalypseornaw · 3 years

Text

Walk Away-3

After so long apart you finally agree to see Sam and tell him the truth

You groaned as you sat back against the wall hoping this newest wave of nausea would pass.. It was normal according to the obgyn Tasha had helped you get into. You had just entered into your second trimester and found out the gender of the baby at your last appointment. She was growing perfectly and doing a number on your insides in the process. You heard someone clear their throat and looked up to see Max leaned against the doorway leading into the bathroom with a cup of tea in his hand. He held it out to you with a smile “Ginger tea with honey and lemon” You thanked him as you took the cup and allowed yourself a small sip of the warm liquid.

He walked a little further into the room before sitting down next to you his long legs stretched out in front of him “Donna Hanscum called again” you nodded before saying “That doesn’t really surprise me..has Jody and the girls started their rounds again?” he let out a sharp laugh “Not yet, it holds them off when they can talk with you but I had to tell Donna you weren’t here considering you don’t want Sam to know you’re currently starting to move past smuggling a basketball into smuggling a beach ball” “He doesn’t need to know” you mumbled but Max shook his head “He loves you Y/N. I don’t know what happened but he wouldn’t be trying this hard to get you to talk to him if he didn’t”

You leaned your head back against the wall then rolled your head over to look at Max “If and it’s a big if but if I was to agree to see him and Dean could you put a glamour on me?” his eyes went to your ever growing stomach “Oh you mean to hide the bump?” you nodded and he scratched his chin in thought then nodded “I think I can manage that with Alicia’s help. I’ll call Erik too, he's better at stuff along those lines” “Thanks Max and thank Erik for me too” he stood to go call Erik who was his boyfriend of a little over three years. You’d known him for a while but had gotten to know him better over the last few weeks considering his mom was your doctor. “When are you going to call Sam?” he asked from the door so you shrugged “When Jody calls I’ll tell her it’s fine to give Dean my new number then go from there” he nodded then walked out the room.

------

Sam was sitting at the table in the kitchen nursing a cup of coffee and trying to ignore just how much the bunker itself seemed to miss your presence. How had he messed everything up this bad? How had Dean been able to see just how much pain you were in but he couldn’t? Christ he was an idiot. If he could do it over he would have never gone on that very first hunt where all of you met Lila.

She didn’t hold a candle to you. You were...hell you were a force of nature. Everyone who knew you was drawn to you. You were caring but strong, courageous but smart. You would dive in feet first to help someone you cared about and even strangers. He’d seen you go toe to toe with more than one demon just to save a life. You were a soft touch when needed but also was the first to make someone shake off any self doubt and get their fire back.

When Alex had needed help paying for college you’d found grants seemingly out of thin air. When Patience would get upset about her broken relationship with her father she’d call you. You were one of the few people Claire would take advice from without rolling her eyes.

As for the way you’d changed not only his life but Dean and Cas’ as well he didn’t have the words for. Dean never got a chance to withdraw into himself with you around because you’d be at his door slipping new cds under it or bribing him out with food and western movie marathons. Cas always seemed to brighten up when you walked into a room because you never let a day pass without reminding him just how important he was to what you called your family group.

When you’d come into Sam’s life you’d knocked him flat on his ass metaphorically speaking and literally speaking. He’d ended up catching a punch from you on accident. Dean had teased him that your right hook was what made him fall in love with you. Looking up to see a woman as beautiful as you were apologizing but calling him an idiot for getting in your way at the same time did help matters. From that day forward you were all he could think about. The day you finally moved into the bunker was the happiest day of his life.

The dreams of a so-called normal life was behind him but with you a new normal started to form in his mind. He never felt more whole than when you were in his arms. Waking up to you curled against his chest or with his arm around your waist was the most peace he’d ever felt. He loved you more than he ever dreamed possible to love someone after losing Jess. He felt like such a failure because he had apparently not shown you that. When you started to talk with Donna, Jody and the girls at least he knew you were alive,healthy and indeed staying with the Banes twins.

He knew they lived near a small town on the upper west coast but that was all he did know. He wanted nothing more than to track them down and beg for the chance to see you but for now at least knowing you were ok was the best compromise he was going to get. He sighed and looked down at his laptop. He had a few news websites up but his heart wasn’t in trying to find a case, his heart was wherever you were. He could hear Dean talking to someone in the library and thought maybe he had a case until he heard Dean say your name.

He quickly moved around the corner to see Dean pacing across the floor as he spoke on the phone. He caught a few words of what Dean was saying “Are you sure?...Yeah I promise...look you have my word...I will...ok...and sweetheart it’s good to hear from you” Was Dean talking to you? Why had you called Dean? Was something wrong? Were you hurt? He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts he hadn’t realized Dean had not only hung up but had called his name three times.

“SAM!” Dean spoke harshly and he blinked a few times glancing at the phone still in his brother’s hand “Was that Y/N?” Dean nodded “Yeah she told Jody it was ok to pass her new number on to me..She’s willing to see you but she has a few conditions” “Anything, I’ll agree to anything” Sam answered quickly his mind going into overdrive at the thought of seeing you.

Dean nodded again then said “Grab your stuff. I’ll text her and let her know we’re hitting the road. I’ve got to call Max when we get close enough and he’ll come meet us to lead us up to their place”

------

“Are you sure you can’t tell?” you asked Erik for the sixth time since he’d finished the glamour. He sighed and shook his head “I’m sure. I’ve hid entire buildings, your little baby bump isn’t even a challenge” you smiled then smoothed the shirt you were wearing self consciously.

“Alicia why did I agree to talk to Sam again?” She walked in behind you and held out a bottle of water “Because you’re still in love with him, it’s blaringly obvious no matter what happened he’s still in love with you because they’ve made the trip from Lebanon in record time. Even if today doesn’t go well at least you know you tried” you took a deep breath and nodded. She was right of course. When Erik’s phone went off you nearly jumped out of your skin but his hand on your arm kept you in place “Calm down Y/N, that was just Max. They’re coming up the driveway”

No sooner than the words came out of Erik’s mouth you heard the familiar rumble of the Impala’s engine. Any other time that was music to your ears but now it made you a little queasy. Erik shot you a smile before grabbing his jacket “Me and Max are headed into town but when you want to lower the glamour I showed Alicia how ok?” you nodded “Thanks again Erik” “Anytime”

------

You took a deep breath when you heard the boots on the porch so Alicia moved to answer the door. You weren’t in direct eyesight so you heard Dean first say “Alicia, good to see you” she greeted him then said “Hi Sam” you felt your heart flip when he said “Hey Alicia, I um thank you for being a place she could come to” “She’s always welcome wherever me and Max are and we make sure she knows it” that was one of the many things you loved about Alicia. Her words and tone of voice was friendly but the underlying venom of having comforted a hurt friend was still very much there.

“Y/N?” Alicia called out as she shut the door behind the boys as if she didn’t know for a fact you were hiding in the small hallway between the front door and kitchen. “Right here” you replied stepping around the corner. Dean smiled when he saw you “Well you’re a sight for sore eyes” you were glad when he just hugged you with one arm around your shoulders on the off chance of him brushing against your stomach.

“I see you’ve actually managed to stay alive without me which is a miracle in itself” you teased with a tense smile trying to calm your nerves before meeting Sam’s eyes. God those fucking eyes of his. You stood there for a second staring at each other before Dean turned to Alicia “You got something to drink? Alcoholic or otherwise. I’d settle for tea or coffee” she gave him a small smile before winking at you and herding him towards the kitchen.

Once the two of you were alone you both started to speak at the same time. You laughed nervously “You want to go first?” he nodded then let out a harsh breath “I’m sorry. I know that probably falls flat but I am. You are the most important person in my life. I love you with everything in me and I failed to show you that. I failed to realize how much my actions were hurting you. I made you think I wanted someone else and I pushed you away. I don’t expect you to forgive me and I don’t expect you to come back with me but I’m grateful you chose to let me come here and tell you that face to face” You should’ve known with pregnancy hormones on top of everything else that you’d end up in tears. You wiped them away before they could fall before saying “Sam..god just tell me why? Why did you act like that towards her? Was the attachment to me the only thing stopping you? The fear of all our friends taking my side? Of your brother siding with me?”

“Baby no” he breathed and took a step towards you but when you quickly crossed your arms over your chest and stepped back he froze in his tracks. “I guess it was the feeling of losing someone you love to a demon. I’ve been there before then with what happened to her husband. It got me thinking about what happened to Jess happening to you. That’s not an excuse because you told me that you wanted other hunters backing her and I didn’t listen but please baby please know I have never wanted anyone else since the day I met you”

“But you didn’t listen to me Sam. That’s why I left! That’s why I came here and got them to ward me so you couldn’t find me. I couldn’t sit around waiting for you to break my heart and I’m not coming back with you no matter how much I want nothing more than to jump into your arms right now. If you want us...If you want a second chance before I tell you something I need a promise that you’ll be ok with it taking time, with me being here and you in Lebanon. I need you to actually think about it before you answer me Sam” you were trying so hard not to cry because you knew for a fact Dean and Alicia were standing just on the other side of that kitchen door waiting to intervene if you needed them to.

“I’d do anything for a second chance for us, to prove to you just how much you mean to me” you nodded slowly then called out “Alicia can you and Dean come here?” the door swung open quickly to both of them nearly stumbling over each other. “Yeah sweetie?” she asked so you braced yourself then said “They need to know” “And you’re sure?” she questioned so you nodded “Yeah I’m sure”

“Need to know what?” Dean asked but Alicia was already repeating the words Erik had told her would drop the glamour. The moment it faded and your stomach was back visibly rounded Dean’s eyes widened and poor Sam looked like he may faint or puke. “Is that why you left?” Sam asked quietly and you shook your head “I didn’t find out until about a month after I left. That’s why I came here”

Dean recovered quicker and held a hand out “Can I?” you nodded “She is your niece after all” “Niece, so it’s a girl?” he asked with a grin. Your hand came to cover Dean’s so you could place it on the light movements but your eyes never left Sam’s as you said “Yeah I just found out last week” a light kick made Dean’s grin get bigger “Look at that. She’s strong already” “Just like her mom” Alicia replied then reached for Dean’s arm “Let’s give them another minute” Dean nodded and kissed your cheek before saying “I love you kid and I’m gonna love her too” then followed her back into the kitchen.

Sam had remained silent so you finally looked up at him “Are you going to say anything?” a slight smile slipped onto his face before he quietly said “Can I touch you now? Because I really want to hug you and feel our daughter move” you moved towards him and he pulled you against his chest without hesitation. One large hand held your back while the other rested on your stomach “I love you Y/N. I’ll prove to you that things will be different. Nothing means more to me than you and her” you smiled up at him through the tears in your eyes “I love you too Sam”

Tags: @delightfullykrispypeach @fofisstilinski @chengukargbo @rosalynshields @hunting-the-grievers @spngirl05

#spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #sam winchester x female!reader #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester fanfiction

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adhdeancas · 3 years

Text

Dean Winchester (and the script leaks last night) possessed me to write this.

Dean happens upon Chuck's latest book: Carry On. Except it ends differently than it really went, and the ending? It's really fucking bad.

tw: suicide mention, transphobia (quickly shut the fuck down)

Dean doesn’t make a habit of going to bookstores. Not because he hates books, contrary to what Sam might think; he just prefers to buy used books. There’s something comforting about a book that has already been worn and read over and over, that already shows how much the previous owner loved it. Plus, y’know, big corporations are evil and all that. And Dean only allows himself to overlook that when his stomach or his wallet wins over his hatred of the shitty mass-produced products.

This time it was Jack who won; he’s obsessed with this new fantasy series and the new book just came out, so there’s no way he can hunt it down on Ebay. He makes his way to the fantasy and sci-fi section, eyes roaming over the displays of new releases, and his eye catches on something that turns his blood cold.

“Supernatural: Carry On, The Final Book of the Winchesters’ Epic Journey” takes up a whole table, the generic and overly serious cover jeering out at him.

He storms over to the display, anger covering up for the way his body feels light as a feather and like lead all at once, and picks up a book. “Why is Sam always fucking shirtless?” he mutters, the only thought that allows itself from the mess inside his head to his mouth.

“Book sales.” A voice behind him says. He turns to see a teenager with their arms crossed over their work polo, pierced lip fixed into a customer-unfriendly frown.

“People want to see that?”

They snort, a small grin turning up the corner of their lips. It reminds Dean of Cas. “No. But that’s what advertisers think all ‘women’ want,” They use air quotes.

He raises an eyebrow and asks. “Women?”

They shrug and uncross their arms, leaning back against the display table behind them. Their nametag says Jadyn. “Supernatural’s biggest block of readers is queer. I’d go out on a limb and say a lot of those the marketers think of as ‘women’ aren’t, or if they are, they aren’t itching to see Sam’s six pack.” Jadyn smirks.

Dean takes a second to digest that, then grins down at the book, thinking past Sam’s apparently badly-received nudity now. “So how’d they like it?” he asks, waving the book a bit and looking up at Jadyn. Apparently they know a lot about the fans of the books, and for once, he’s proud of the way the story ended.

Jadyn’s face sets into all hard lines. “Most people fucking hated it.” they say bluntly, then, probably remembering that he’s a customer, correct. “Sorry. I mean, it got some good reviews, mostly from people who like Wincest, but beyond that, it had some problematic plot points.”

Dean winces at the reminder of the ship between him and his brother, then scrunches his whole face together in confusion. “Wait, what? Why?” Why would Wincest fans like it? What was problematic about their end?

Jadyn shifts from foot to foot. “I don’t wanna spoil anything for you-”

“I don’t care about spoilers, just give me the short version.” Dean says quickly. A quiet panic is rising in him, and suddenly he has a horrible feeling that he’s not holding the truth in his hands anymore.

“Uh, okay… Well, the most obvious thing is the bury-your-gays thing, then there’s the fact that it completely contradicted the rest of the lore. And it was ableist, misogynistic, and messed up, like, every character’s arc.” they take a breath, clearly worked up by it. “Even if they changed any of the details too, it was all built on Dean’s death, and that’s just bullshit. Sorry.” they apologize again, apparently mistaking Dean’s stricken expression to be in reaction to their rant and swearing.

“No, nah, you’re… you’re okay. Uh, thanks.” he waves a hand and wanders away from them, only remembering Jack’s book when he’s almost to the register. He manages to make his way back and find the damn thing, but he’s still in a fog when he gets to the register.

“Did anyone help you in the store today?”

“Huh?” he looks up and meets the middle-aged cashier’s gaze for the first time. Brent, from the nametag, looks at him impatiently. “Oh, yeah, uh… Jadyn. Jadyn helped me.” Brent scoffs and starts typing with a shake of the head. “Uh, is there a problem?” Dean asks, a little annoyed at this cashier’s unnecessary attitude. He usually doesn’t care if an employee’s rude, because they have to deal with assholes all the time and honestly Dean isn’t much better, but this one gives him a bad feeling.

“No, no, sorry. It’s just - “Jadyn’s” got this idea that he’s a girl. Makes everybody call him that name now too. Just-” Brent shakes his head. “I mean, you get it. Their generation, everybody wants to be special.”

Dean glares. “No, I don’t get it, Brent.” He says through gritted teeth. “Seems to me like Jadyn probably deals with enough assholes like you that her asking for a little basic decency is the exact opposite of special. Sounds pretty normal, actually.” He can see the fear creep into Brent’s eyes, and he knows the cashier is reacting to the murderous look in his eyes more than his actual words.

Brent hands Dean his bag of books with a quiet, “Here you go.”

Dean snatches it away. “Oh, Brent?” he checks over his shoulder to make sure they’re alone and then leans across the counter into Brent’s space. “You should find a new job, one where you don’t have to interact with other people. At least until you learn how to stop being a piece of shit.” He starts to ease away but thinks better about it. “And if you think that’s a suggestion, it’s not. My husband likes this book coming out next month that I’ll need to buy, and if I see you here when I come, well… it would be really embarrassing for you to tell all your little friends that you got your ass beat by a ‘special’ guy, huh?” He pats Brent on the cheek condescendingly and leaves with a huff.

Damn transphobes.

He only remembers the book once he’s back in Baby, and he takes the time to drive out of town before he pulls over to read it. It’s an old abandoned church, the cross long since fallen from the roof and the doors hanging off their hinges. He sits on the steps just because being in Baby seems claustrophobic for once in his life, and going back to the bunker to look at this is just… not happening.

Dean only skims the beginning to see that it starts the same. The ground erupting with bodies, hell spitting out its most-conveniently placed nasties, Rowena sacrificing herself, Cas leaving. His throat closes up at that, at Chuck’s description of Cas’s heartbroken expression as he climbs the stairs of the bunker. He clears his throat and skips to the end, right past Cas’s death that he doesn’t have the time to think about right now, past them defeating Chuck and then stops. He goes back a few pages, trying to find the disconnect.

The story’s different.

After Jack takes on God’s power, in the book, he’s totally fine. Not almost vibrating out of his skin or anything, not crying like the three year old he is because he’s scared. Not like it really happened. He just smiles and leaves him and Sam, and they let him go.

Dean scoffs, skimming over the story as it just gets more ridiculous.

In the book, he doesn’t even try to save Cas. They barely even mention him. And they never mention Eileen, either. In fact, Dean notes disbelievingly, practically the only characters in the last few chapters are him and Sam. They’re hunting again.

“What, is Chuck trying to keep the series going?” he whispers to himself, anger flaring through him. They let Chuck live, and he decided to write obnoxious fanfiction about them? He’s gonna kill that shameless little fucker. For real, this time. He deserves it.

In the book, Sam and Dean torture some vampire mime, and they enjoy it. Dean cringes; this is really what Chuck thinks of them. Then they tussle with more vamps in a barn and-

Dean’s brain stops working. He rereads the scene again and again.

“There’s something in my… something in my back. It feels like it’s right through me.”

Dean Winchester dies in a dirty barn, on a piece of freaking rebar.

More than that, Dean realizes on his fourth read-through. This Dean? He tried to drag out his speech, Dean can tell by the way he pauses for fucking drama. He would never do that. He would never talk to Sam for fifteen hellish minutes when he could be trying. Trying to live, so he can actually get his life back on track, get his family back. No, he made that speech stalling. He made that speech so Sam wouldn’t try to save him.

“You gotta admit, I had one helluva ride.” He was strangely calm.

Chuck made him kill himself.

Dean reads the rest of the book through blurry eyes, reading an ambiguous and nothing-ending, one where he’s somehow happy to be dead and driving around in heaven alone while Sam raises a kid into hunting and cries about Dean decades after he’s died. Eileen isn’t mentioned. Cas is mentioned once, and Bizzarro-Dean doesn’t even think about seeing him, apparently. The whole book ends with a hug between him and Sam, both dead. Both alone.

Dean rips the ending up. He tears through the stupid paper covering and keeps ripping the pages up until they’re the size of confetti. His lower lip wobbles. He throws the whole thing against the side of the building, and it tumbles through the broken doorway and drops into a pile of dust and dirt. “That isn’t the fucking ending.” he grounds out, knocking his hand against the flimsy handrail. It gives a little under his fist and he kicks at it. “That isn’t the fucking ending!”

He’s having a panic attack. Again. He tries to take deep breaths, but they’re gulping, too big, they’re making him panic more. He scrambles back to Baby and grabs his phone, presses the first number on his favorites list and waits for him to answer on speaker phone.

“Hey Dean, what’s up?” Sam sounds like he’s been laughing. There are voices in the background, and Dean tries to convince himself one of them is Eileen.

“Hey Sammy.” he chokes out, trying to sound normal. “You busy?”

There’s a pause, and then the sounds in the background. “Nah, Rowena’s just over.” he says casually.

“So those voices in the background were-”

“Rowena and Eileen, yeah. They’re trying to convince me we need to go to Mexico. For the beaches.” A smile in his voice. Dean lets out a sigh of relief. What’s up, Dean? You need something?” The smile drops, and Sam’s worried.

Sam’s okay. Sam’s okay. “No, nah. Hey, you heard from Donna lately?” Dean just needs to triple-check.

“Uh, no, not since Sunday dinner… Dean, you okay?”

“Yeah, she just- she hasn’t been answering my texts. Just wanted to make sure.” Dean lies quickly. His breathing is still uneven, but his body is settling into uneven shakes.

Sam sounds skeptical. “Yeah, well, she did tell us it’s been pretty busy at work lately. Y’know, everybody going out for the first time with COVID, getting stupid. Plus, y’know, nowhere’s drowning in EMTs right now.”

“Right. Yeah.” Dean takes a deep breath, a distant memory of Donna talking about that coming back to him.

“Pretty sure you were setting up a D&D session with Charlie while she was talking about that,” Sam laughs. Dean knows he means it as a subtle jab, but there’s too much relief flooding through him to care. Still, a string is pulled taut in him, and Sam can’t fix that completely.

“Gotta go, Sam,” Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else, and goes to his next contact. It rings for far too long, and Dean’s heartbeat picks back up to thundering.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean breathes out. “Cas, you know I love you, right?” He needs to test all the bounds of this, to make sure, just to make sure. Make sure Chuck isn’t still fucking with him. Because apparently, Chuck won’t let him be queer. Not in his story. Not out loud.

He can hear Cas’s eyebrow raise through the phone, and his chest is overcome with stupid fondness. “I would be a little worried if you didn’t.”

Dean grins widely. “Like, romantically. I’m in love with you. Because you’re the love of my life and I’m bisexual.” He says it all like it’s a checklist, like he expects some cosmic being to slap a hand over his mouth before he gets each next phrase out.

“Yes, Dean. We’ve been married almost two months.” Cas is smiling. It happens everytime he talks about their wedding. Dean adores it. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, now it is.” His whole body relaxes, still vibrating with leftover panic, but satisfied. “I got Jack’s book.”

“Oh, good. He’ll be so pleased.” Cas pauses. “Dean, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean eases off the ground and sends a last look at the dilapidated church before climbing into Baby. “Just- read a bad book. I’ll tell you about it later. When I get home.”

#i fixed it #god fucking damn it #dean winchester #destiel #saileen #saileena #sam winchester #castiel #eileen leahy #castiel winchester #jack kline #roweena #my writing #ficlet #deancas #trans dean #trans woman OC #tw: transphobia #tw: suicide mention

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amwritingmeta · 3 years

Text

15x19: A First Ending

This was a good episode! Oh, I know, I know - we didn’t get Cas back. But oh, boy, that should mean that Misha shot for five of eight days for 15x20 and that makes me want to rub my hands together with the hope of what that might mean. All the good things!

Oh, don’t hang your hopes on mine btw. I had very high hopes that we’d get Cas back, or very strongly established as coming back (as per 13x04) with a final scene of him waking up in the Empty or something like it, and that didn’t happen, but omg I’m so glad they didn’t.

When Jack started praying and reaching out to Cas my heart almost stopped.

If Dean doesn’t instigate Cas’ return, then oh it would take away too much!

But then Jack’s moment didn’t lead to anything, and now, the more I think about it, there more it feels like a plant. A reminder of how he prayed to Cas the last time, and woke him. We shall see, eh?

And then we got Dean telling Chuck to bring Cas back, which was a pivotal plant as well. I’d been worried if they hadn’t mentioned Cas more than once, with Dean telling Jack and Sam that Cas sacrificed himself to save him, yeah?

If there had been no more Cas for the entire episode then, narratively speaking, I would have started wondering what role Cas might actually play in 15x20.

But Cas was mentioned more than once. We even got to hear his voice and have that fake return to stir our... I almost wrote loins, but that’s not appropriate so let’s change it to stir our... martinis.

Ah yes. We could all use a drink, I’m sure.

The dog as well! Dean was so happy and he carried the dog and petted the dog and put it in Cas’ spot in the backseat and was all, yes, emotional substitute! And then... poof. Because it’s not going to be that easy to replace Cas. *fingers crossed*

Here’s mostly why I’m hopeful for something quite different as the actual finale of the show, the proper wrapping up of these character journeys:

This first ending is for those who have followed the show explicitly to watch these two brothers. (yes there’s a word for them but let’s not)

It ends exactly how these viewers -- and quite possibly the writers who wrote it -- always saw the show ending. It gives an emotionally satisfying wrapping up of all the thematic threads of the show and gives the brothers their hard-won freedom, and keeps the brothers riding in Baby, together, indefinitely.

And these viewers and fans will always be able to stop watching the show there and keep that as their perfect ending.

Except it’s not the ending-ending. Is it?

This episode neatly and gorgeously wrapped up the Michael/Lucifer/Chuck storyline. It wiped the slate completely clean. Especially with Michael killing Lucifer and Chuck killing Michael. These characters just completely annihilating each other because they’ve all served their purpose.

And Chuck being drained of his powers and ending up ignored, never to be worshipped again, or even remembered, is such a fitting ending for him! And with Dean refusing to kill him, leaving him to his fate, I’d call that Dean integrating his Shadow.

No more fearing it. It’s powerless. Thanks to Jack (Dean’s inner child) who now holds all the power in the universe.

I’d say Dean Winchester has reached a point of internal balance.

And for all of these good things: Chuck powerless, Jack the New God, surely helping to fix what Cas broke by restoring Heaven (I’m assuming Heaven will be repopulated or that God’s grace will level it out) and Jack stepping into shoes that Cas once tried to fill and failed to, to the detriment to so many of his kin, is simply stunning.

I cried, properly, at Jack’s speech. It was beautiful.

But for all these good things and wrappings up of stuff, didn’t the ending feel kind of superficial? Like stuff was missing in those final five minutes or so? Like... I don’t know... Sam mentioning Eileen maybe? Because surely she was brought back along with everyone else, and one episode ago he was losing his mind over the loss of her.

And they didn’t even mention Cas. Jack mentioned Castiel as a good influence, but Cas was just bunched in with “everyone we’ve lost along the way”.

Meh.

Hey, it’s fine if all you care about is Dean and Sam and you think that they’re at their happiest when they get to drive along a road in Baby, listening to tunes and play-fighting and reminiscing about all those people that have come and gone, while they know they’ll always remain the same.

I mean, if we hadn’t gotten that montage at the end of this episode (a fucking MONTAGE ppl) I would’ve started thinking that maybe Misha was coming back to shoot flashbacks for 15x20, as we got to see the brothers remembering Cas (like with Mary), taking a walk down memory lane and driving around to well-known locales for a final hurrah.

But we got that fucking montage, ppl.

Leaving me to feel that they probably won’t also spend forty minutes rememberembering those same people. You know?

Also, dull. And Dabb is anything but dull. And Dabb loves pulling on stuff he’s hinted at in the first ep of the season.

And I remember reacting to Sam being the one to escort the kid and her mother into the, what was it? The high school, right? For safety.

While Dean and Cas had that tense exchange by Baby, where Dean couldn’t not ask if Cas was okay and Cas saying, hopefully, that he was, but Dean remaining stone faced and distant. “Awkward” is what Belphegor called it.

Oh. Please let there be awkwardness in 15x20. I beg on bent knees. Beg, I say!

Anyway.

What is 15x20 going to be about if it isn’t about finally answering the question of what will make the brothers happy?

A balanced universe, of course! But freedom without love... sounds kind of lonely to me.

So, have they answered the question of What do I want? yet? Is this what they want for themselves? More of the same? This season has hinted that it isn’t. It’s hinted very strongly that it isn’t.

So, I’m holding my breath that Dean’s final confrontation is to do with happiness and daring to want it for himself. Daring to admit to wanting it for himself. Daring to go after it...

Cas does not belong in the Empty.

And hope that it’s telling how Jack didn’t even think to get Cas out of there and bring him home. God got Lucifer out of the Empty so Jack definitely has the power.

And Dean didn’t ask him to get Cas out of there, not because he doesn’t still want Cas out, but because it would ruin the first ending for the people who want Cas to stay dead. Yeah?

It’s kind of beautifully done, to my mind, as a nod and a thank you to the people who have supported one reading of the show. It’ll be difficult for them to go apeshit when Dabb and the writers can simply tell them they don’t have to watch further than 15x19 and be content that they’ve got an ending that lets them cling to the brothers as the begin all, end all.

And yes, I remain believing we will get Dean and Cas together-together before the end of the show. I have no clue how much of a together-together we’ll get, but for the show not to give us a clear understanding of how Dean loves Cas back is unthinkable at this point, and will stay unthinkable until the show tells me otherwise, because nothing but those two together makes even a lick of sense to me.

Dean’s feelings were in the subtext this episode because that’s where they always have been and hopefully fingers crossed because this ending wasn’t for us, it was for other sides of fandom, giving them room for denial, if they simply don’t want to see that what Dean wants is Cas back.

Our ending isn’t happening until next week.

Dean: It’s a helluva time to bail. There’s a lot of people counting on you. People with questions—they’re gonna need answers. Jack: The answers will be in each of them. Maybe not today, but someday.

For me this may be setting up for 15x20.

Dean could be said to be accepting the reality of Cas being gone this episode. He starts off not telling the whole truth about what happened with Cas (of course), he’s drinking himself stupid, he tries to demand of Chuck to bring Cas back, he finds that emotional crutch in the doggo and he moves into acceptance because what else can he do?

Especially if he’s still reeling and is struggling with his fear of happiness, with not feeling deserving, with it being easier to simply let it all go.

But.

Letting go of the need is healthy, allowing it to make way for the real want that is about choosing Cas, not because he feels lost without him, but because Cas completes him...

That would be something.

(oh shush let’s get with the romance) (Jerry always brings it)

The brothers love each other, but throughout this narrative there’s been hints that they both long for more. So much more. It would be so weird if it didn’t all wrap up with more being wanted and chosen and offered and had.

So if the answers are to be “in each of them -- someday”, then maybe Dean just needs to reach a moment where he’s ready to admit to himself that he can’t stand the fact that Cas died not knowing that Dean loves him back.

I wonder if Sam will push for this admittance... I’d like to witness that conversation, that’s for sure.

And Eileen. I hope she’s back sooner rather than later next episode!!

What’s next episode going to be about if it’s not about the breaking of old patterns to make way for new ones...? Are we going to follow the boys around as they do laundry and cook and make a few tentative plans for their unknown future? They won’t be hunting much in 15x20, at least if Dabb is anything to go by. I guess there might be something brief as a final The Boys With Their Weapons Doing Their Thing, but... it won’t be a case episode. And it would’ve been strange if it was, you know?

So then. Hope. One more week breathing eating sleeping on hopes and wishes and we shall simply have to wait and see what we get.

I have every faith it will blow us away, but I’m also sitting pretty. Reining in those horses lest they run away with me. And whatever comes our way, I’m so grateful for this show!

#spn meta #spn 15x19 #spn speculation #dean #cas #sam #jack #chuck #michael #lucifer #deancas #destiel #hopes and wishes

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carryonmywaywardcaptain · 4 years

Text

What’s in a Name?

CarryOnCap’s Masterlist

Pairing: Michael!Dean x reader, Dean x reader

WC: 2,135

Summary: Weeks after Michael disappeared with Dean as his vessel, you decide to take some time away from the bunker. Nothing could have prepared you for the talk you have (or the tearful goodbye) when he pays you an unexpected visit.

Square Filled: Midnight Snack

Warnings: Season 14 spoilers if you haven’t seen it. Some angst. Sort of sappy fluff. Revelation of feelings and implied mutual pining. Minor mentions of injuries. Kind of a corny, abrupt ending. Also this gif by @teamfreewillbettertogether (I mean LOOK AT HIM.)

A/N: This is my first submission for #spndeanbingo challenge round 1 hosted by @spndeanbingo Inspired by this 14x01 gif and the end dialogue of 14x09. (I do not claim to own the dialogue from those episodes, I just paraphrased for this fic.) This was supposed to be a drabble but it got away from me. lol

You had just finished a case up north-- nothing big, just a few werewolves preying on teenagers who were exploring the woods on the outskirts of town at night for “something to do.” You had tracked down the last of the pack just in time to save a young girl from becoming an unfortunate midnight snack. After driving her home and observing a tear-filled reunion with her parents, you returned to the motel you’d been staying at.

You were exhausted, covered head to toe in cuts and bruises from the hunt, and you knew you needed some rest. But sleep didn’t come easily these days and, when it did, you often found yourself dreaming of Dean. It kept you up at night knowing he was out there somewhere locked away under Michael’s control, and dreaming about him only seemed to make you miss him more.

It was late, but you decided to venture to the gas station up the street to grab a midnight snack of your own, hoping the cool evening air and a little food might help ease your mind. After cleaning up a little, you slipped out of your room and back into the night.

It had been weeks and there'd still been no sign of Dean or Michael. Sam had been working tirelessly trying to find him, but so far he still hadn’t had any leads. In an effort to help with the search, you packed a bag and set out to connect with some of your old contacts.

...At least that’s what you told Sam.

Truthfully, you had decided to leave because you needed a break from it all. The bunker had begun to feel crowded with all of the new inhabitants from Apocalypse World. Sam, Mary, Cas, and Jack checked on you at all hours of the day because they all seemed to know about the feelings you harbored for Dean. You appreciated their concern, but the lack of alone time and space left you feeling suffocated and on edge.

On top of it all, the bunker somehow also felt eerily empty without your favorite green eyed hunter. Reminders and memories of him seemed to haunt every inch of the place. With how overwhelming everything had become, it was liberating to work a case or two while you took some time to grieve and process everything in peace.

After buying a sandwich, a six pack, and a mini pie, you thanked the cashier and began the short trek back to your motel. Still lost in thought, you had taken a shortcut down an alley when a noise from behind stopped you in your tracks. It was subtle and if you hadn’t recognized it immediately, it might’ve gone unnoticed-- drowned out by the bustle of cars, sirens, and drunken bar-goers still enjoying what was left of their night.

The familiar rustle of angel wings.

Realizing you’d left your angel blade in the duffel bag beside your bed, you tried to remain calm. Cas had no way of knowing where you were and you knew the few angels left in existence were doing all they could to keep heaven running. Grappling with the fear and hope you could feel rising in your chest, you wracked your brain for any other possible explanation for who could be behind you. But even before he spoke, you knew it was him.

“Hello Y/N.”

It wasn’t his voice-- not really. Even so, the sound was oddly comforting after so many weeks without it. If you’d kept your back to him, you might’ve been able to let yourself pretend it really was him. That he had managed to break free from the archangel somehow and track you down.

But it was the way he said your name that let you know who it really was. His voice was hollow. Almost formal.

One thing you’d always loved about Dean--whether he was angry or worried or teasing--was the way he said your name. There was always so much emotion behind it. Always a trace of the unconditional love he gave to everyone he cared about. When he spoke your name, there was always a deeper implication: no matter what he was feeling or what you had done, you knew he would always protect you and have your back. There was never a need for him to say those things outright, because somehow you’d always understood.

But this wasn’t him and those weren’t the feelings you had when your name rolled off of his tongue. Taking a deep breath, you slowly turned to face the man behind you.

“Michael.”

The corner of his mouth tilted into a smirk. He wore a gray three piece suit, a long coat, and a newsboy style cap. His head was slightly bowed, casting a dark shadow over his eyes. Instead of the relaxed, bow-legged stance you were accustomed to, his posture was stiff and typical of the angels you’d grown familiar with over the years.

“It’s nice to be able to skip the introductions.”

He raised his head and the motion seemed almost robotic. His jade eyes briefly flashed a bright electric blue and the longer you looked at his emotionless face, the more unsettled you began to feel. Everything about him seemed detached and unnatural-- a stark contrast to the man you knew.

“What do you want?”

“What do I want? It’s a little...ironic.” His lips stretched into a wry grin, but there was still an emptiness behind it. “That’s what I’ve been traveling all around this world asking people. ‘What do you want?’ Their answers are always the same: Peace. Power. Revenge. Love.”

You exhaled upon hearing the final word--recalling the countless number of fantasies you’d had about Dean confessing something similar to you.

“They say the things they think I expect to hear. Give answers they hope will ensure their survival. It’s all so very...weak. Pathetic. Human. But I will admit free will does keep things marginally interesting...how these ‘wants’ seem to motivate you. To give you a cause to fight for.”

You stood motionless, soaking in every bit of the speech he was delivering. The way he spoke was flat and unhurried. You reminded yourself over and over that it wasn’t him, but as his voice washed over you...the hold he had on you was undeniable.

He took a few steps forward, hands behind his back as he began circling you like a predator stalking its prey.

“He’s still in here, you know.” He tapped a finger on his temple when he circled in front of you again. “Resisting me. Squirming and trying to claw his way out. To get back to all of you.”

“Is there a point to this monologue?” Your voice wavered, sounding feeble instead of assertive.

“I can sense how vulnerable you are in my presence because of this pretty face. Haven’t you ever wondered what it is that Dean wants most?” He began slowly pacing back and forth in front of you. “I know his thoughts. His desires. His reasons for fighting. I know all that you’ve been through together...”

“He wants the same thing we all do. To take out as many of you douchebags as we can until--”

“You are what he wants.”

You tried to swallow, but your throat had gone dry.

“...what?”

“Why do you think he said yes to me? Why do all of you sacrifice yourselves for each other? Again and again...and again.” He paused and met your eyes when you didn’t say anything. “For love. For the fear of having to live without each other. For the ‘family business’ or whatever. Now, Sam? Mary? His angel pal and even the nephilim-- sure, he loves them. He would die for them. But you…well, there aren’t words for how devastated he would be if anything ever happened to you.”

“You’re...lying,” you whispered.

“I’m just a messenger, sweetheart.”

He spun on his heel and held his hands out to his sides, chuckling as he shook his head. You wanted to believe everything he was saying, but you had no reason to. Michael had lied to Dean-- why wouldn’t he do the same to you?

“Why are you telling me any of this? Why bother finding me at all?”

“Because his squirming is like an incessant gnat that simply won’t go away. So, as a small attempt to put his floundering to rest, I decided to pay you a visit. To say the things he never could. To put an end to his doubts...the worry and the fear and the anger that keeps him fighting. To show him there’s no need to resist me any longer. Lucifer is dead and all of you survived.”

“So you’re pretending to care about his well-being now?” you scoffed. “That’s your play?”

“He’s angry with himself for saying ‘yes’--but he wanted to save his brother and the boy. To beat Lucifer and, together, that’s what we did. He’s so worried about his family’s safety but, with my help, you were all spared from Lucifer’s wrath. Now, after everything I’ve told you...do you have any idea what Dean’s greatest fear is? His reason for continuing to resist me?”

As the gears turned and every fiber of your being seemed to have a hunch about what he meant, your mind refused to even consider the possibility. There was no way he could possibly mean--

“You,” Michael sighed impatiently. “You’re the one he’s most attached to. The source of his deepest fear and regret. Because what if something happened to his beloved Y/N? What if he never had the chance to tell you that he loves you? That he’s always been too much of a coward to admit it.”

Feeling like the air had been knocked from your lungs, tears began to well in your eyes at his admission. You weren’t sure if he was telling the truth, but if there was any way to reach him...you had to try.

“Dean? If you can hear me--”

“Dean’s not home right now. He’s served his purpose and his mission is complete. Now it’s time for mine.”

You knew you should ask what he meant, but right now you couldn’t care less about Michael’s mission. Taking a measured step forward, you gazed into his eyes and hoped he could hear you, no matter how deep he was buried.

“I love you too, Dean. More than you could ever know… And no matter what happens, none of this is your fault.”

Michael scoffed at your attempt before suddenly hunching over to stare at the ground. His expression quickly grew irritated and he shook his head as he rolled his shoulders back.

“So...very...pathetic,” he mumbled angrily.

“...Dean?”

He stood abruptly, jaw clenched and nostrils flaring as he closed the distance between the two of you. You watched as he curled his lip in disgust and placed two fingers on your forehead. When his pupils flash blue once again, your body went rigid as a warm energy spread from your head to your toes.

As he withdrew his hand, you breathed heavily and rolled your sleeves up to discover the wounds from your hunt had been healed. You glanced back at him with a puzzled expression and let out a small gasp when you noticed how drastically his demeanor had changed.

Instead of blank, dead eyes, you were met with tender emerald ones. He reached a hand out and lightly traced his fingertips along the edge of your jaw.

“Y/N…”

It was nothing more than a whisper; a silent plea for you to hear everything he didn’t have time to say. When the word escaped his lips, he drew his eyebrows together-- all of the raw emotion Michael had kept locked away painted clearly on his face.

You understood completely, hearing it all in the way he said your name.

“I know, Dean. We’re gonna find a way to get you back. Just hold on.”

He cupped your cheek and a sad, longing smile graced his lips when you leaned into his touch. Without warning, his eyes flashed blue once more.

In the blink of an eye he was gone.

Clenching the bag of food and beer in one hand, you wiped away a few stray tears and fished your phone from your pocket. After selecting a number from your favorite contacts, you began jogging toward the motel. The line rang several times before going to voicemail, but you quickly hung up and dialed again.

Arriving at your room, you unlocked the door and began frantically packing your bag. You huffed in frustration when the call went to voicemail again but, on your third attempt, you finally heard Sam’s groggy voice.

“Hello?”

“Sam? It’s Y/N. So, get this--”

CarryOnCap Crew (Forevers):

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deantransgressions2 · 3 years

Text

13x02 the rising son

21 transgressions. enjoy.

#1: dean criticized sam for wanting to protect jack, and then devalued jack’s entire existence to an “it”.

sam: “look… losing mom and cas, that’s a lot to process, dean, especially on no sleep. and the kid...”

dean: “the “kid”? come on, man, you know how this plays out. kook, when we try to bend the rules, pretend that the bad guys aren’t so bad or that things will get fixed, that’s when people that we care about get hurt. and then we end up doing what we should’ve done in the first place, which is end the problem. so this time, let’s start with the obvious. soon as i find a way to take care of… it.”

time tag: 3:17

#2: after sam failed again to make dean see jack as a child, he tried to make dean see jack as an asset. dean refused to listen or consider any of sam’s insights, and admitted that he is giving up on family, which is something he claims he would never ever ever ever ever do.

sam: “dean, “the problem” might be our only shot at saving mom.”

dean: “mom’s gone. there’s no fixing that.”

time tag: 3:44

#3: jack was happily watching scooby doo and bothering nobody, so of course dean walked over and scolded him, then turned the tv off. apparently watching tv is illegal now yall!!

time tag: 9:03

#4: told jack to take the couch and threw a bible at him. luckily, sam isn’t a child murderer and made sure jack felt welcome. sam = good dad. but, dean winchester is already worse of a father than john was. you hate to see it.

time tag: 9:11

#5: dean criticized jack for eating the exact same way he does. mocking a 3 day old child just for the sake of it, just to make himself feel better. he is pathetic. idk why jack and sam put up with him these next 3 seasons.

dean: “you can slow down, you know. that’s stuff’s not gonna disappear.”

sam: “ever seen you eat, dean?”

time tag: 10:02

#6: yells at jack for copying his movements. he’s 3 days old...3 days old. 3.

time tag: 11:35

#7: sam has been rooting for jack to not be evil. he is focusing on WHO jack is not what he is. dean, however, is counting on jack being evil so he can murder him. the confirmation bias is real here. any instance of jack showing humanity dean just tunes it out. this conversation should remind you of dean’s view of sam in s4/5

donatello: “yes, well, not so much anymore. but, uh…look at you. the waves of power… so intense.”

dean: “maybe less human than we thought.”

donatello: “fascinating. you know, i’ve met your father. your power’s nothing like his. not dark, not toxic.”

sam: “that so?”

dean: “not yet.”

time tag: whole time but 15:58

#8: he was a dick to the tattoo artist for no reason expect that he loves to take his anger out on others.

time tag: 16:44

#9: when in doubt blame sam! when in doubt accuse sam! when in doubt manipulate sam! wooohooo!!!

sam: “so you heard donatello. no evil vibes from jack.”

dean: “proves nothing, except that you’re way too attached to this kid. you need to see this for what it is, okay?”

time tag: 16:54

#10: lessons from our sexist macho man icon:

jack: “it hurt.”

dean: “okay, see, sometimes, things hurt, so you just man up and deal with it.”

time tag: 17:21

#11: some more of dean refusing to listen to other’s correct observations of jack, because there is no changing his mind that jack is evil. he doesn’t need proof that jack is evil, because he doesn’t want it. he wants to murder jack regardless of who he is. dean only cares about WHAT jack is. sigh. 2x03 i miss you.

time tag: 18:43

#12: dean claimed that since cas loved jack, jack is therefore responsible for his murder. even though it was literally lucifer that murdered cas, not jack. so, using dean’s logic: sam and john killed mary, sam killed jess, dean killed john, sam killed dean, sam and dean and bobby killed jo and ellen, dean killed sam, dean and sam killed cas multiple times, sam and dean killed kevin....etc etc. do you see how fucking stupid dean is being rn?

sam: “okay, look, yeah, jack is on lucifer’s family tree. but we don’t know if that dna is stronger than Kelly’s, or his connection with cas.”

dean: “oh, you mean the connection that got cas killed?”

sam: “i’m just saying, jack doesn’t have to be evil. we can teach him not to be.”

time tag: 18:53

#13: dean called jack ‘the devil’ which made jack so upset he ran away. this is a transgression obviously towards jack, but also towards sam. dean said that a 3 day old child (who literally hasn’t done anything wrong) is the devil. he said it in front of his brother who was tortured by the ACTUAL devil (and michael) for centuries. it’s insensitive and fucked up beyond belief for dean to use his brother’s abuser to try and manipulate him to conform to his beliefs on jack.

NOT TO MENTION that dean is the only member of team free will with absolutely no supernatural abilities at all. he does not understand jack. he does not understand lucifer. dean is the LAST person who should have a say in if jack is good or evil.

time tag: 19:25

#14: this is a abuse apology. many victims of abuse are manipulated to apologize for them and sympathize with them. this is a prime example of that:

sam: “dean doesn’t hate you. it… look, sometimes the wires in dan’s head get crossed and...and he gets frustrated, and then he mixes frustration with anger, and...and fear.”

jack: “why would he be afraid?”

sam: “because dean feels like it’s his job to protect everyone.”

time tag: 20:45

#15: did the writers include this scene to emphasize that dean is john (but worse)....because that’s exactly what it did.

bartender: “i hated my old man. I ran away myself. see, my mom would never stick up for me. but…you know kids. no matter what, they still want the old man’s approval. well, that’s how it was with me, just…”

dean: “you know, that’s, uh, that’s how it was with me, too.”

i’m not sure what dean is referring to here because based on what the bartender is saying, sam would relate more to her story than dean but ok! sure! pity party time needs no logic

time tag: 22:17

#16: sam had to seperate jack and dean in order to protect jack. sam felt that jack was safer with a man that had no soul (donatello), over his own brother. and he was right!

time tag: 23:11

#17: dean made fun of sam and jack by calling jack sam’s “new pal” as a way to not only degrade jack, but also ridicule sam.

time tag: 27:08

#18: dean is angry that sam isn’t blindly following along with his plans for jack’s death. and everything sam tried to say to get dean out of his child murdering mindset goes in one ear and out the other.

sam: “point is…if you and i are gonna do this, keep jack on the right side of things, then...then we have to be on the same page.”

dean: “okay. well, that’s the problem, though, sam, ‘cause we’re not on the same page. like, at all.”

sam: “all right. you know what? i know what’s going on here.”

dean: “oh. okay. well, please, tell me, what’s going on here?”

sam: “you thinking mom is gone and cas is gone, and that jack can’t be saved. dean, after everything we’ve gone through… we just lost people we love, people who have been in our lives for a long time. everything’s upside-down. i get it. but we’ve been down before. i mean, rock bottom. and we find a way. We fix it because that’s what we do. and jack w-wants to do the right thing. jack’s scared to death of who he is, and he’s scared of you.”

you know who else was scared of their father figure? dean. and sam. and now jack. dean stans can hate john all they want but the truth is dean is far worse. they both deserve a special place in hell together

time tag: 27:19

#19: the mental gymnastics it takes to come to this conclusion about jack. to ignore any and all proof that jack isn’t evil. it’s shocking how strongly dean holds onto hate and his need to kill.

sam: “dean, wait a second. the kid came through for us today. jack saved us.” dean: “no. no, whatever that was, that was a reflex. it was a sneeze. maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us. goodnight.”

time tag: 39:32

#20: dean drove jack to self harm. dean then proceeded to angrily tell him off and call him names for doing so.

dean: “okay. what the hell? give me that. you...don’t be an idiot. look, a, this is not gonna do anything to you, okay? and b, you… what the hell?”

time tag: 40:35

#21: this is psychological abuse. this is child abuse. this scene is as bad as the panic room of s4. disgusting. and some people actually ship this man with this child’s father (castiel). get help.

dean: “you know, my brother thinks you can be saved.” jack: “you don’t believe that.” dean: “no, i don’t.”

jack: “so… if you’re right?”

dean: “if i’m right… and it comes to killing you… i’ll be the one to do it.”

time tag: 41:07

#13x02 the rising son #this episode took me like 2 hours to do oh my GOD #heavy #spn #dean negative #dean critical #jack kline #<3 #tw verbal abuse #emotional manipulation/abuse #tw self harm #pity party tag!#controlling #gaslighting #hypocrisy #sexism #belittling #anti dean winchester

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verobatto · 3 years

Text

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XCIV

It was a love story from the very beginning.

And you are not here... (Part. II)

(13x02/13x03)

Hello dears! We are here again, witnessing Dean's mourning for Castiel, and we are suckers for that.

I will try to convey in this meta two episodes, so let's see what happens!

The rejection

At the beginning of the episode, we had Sam and Dean talking about Jack. Dean keeps rejecting the kid because he put on him the weight of loosing Castiel.

They find a motel, and Dean plays the tv, and there's Scooby, and for a brief moment we saw him smiling. Then Dean gives Jack the Bible, and the kid opens it in the Book of Song of Solomon, which is from the Old Testament, and it talks plenty about a two lovers that try to find a way to be together. So the poems describe their passionate and beautiful love for each other, their sadness and their difficulties. Is narrated romantically poetic of that time.

This is very meaningful because the book could be symbolizing Castiel and Dean, trying to be reunited. And the kid is the one who will help to do that. Two lovers that were separated by death but also, who had lived a lot of difficulties together.

Also this quote from Asmodeus:

ASMODEUS: The pain, the, uh, the total humiliation… it forged an eternal bond between us.

Is just a little taste of a dark parallel to Destiel. Is a dark, toxic bond, forged by pain and humiliation, all the opposite of Destiel bond. And we are witnessing this quote because is in the next episode the one Jack will wake up CAS through Dean's mourning. The power of their bond forged by love. The lovers will be finally reunited again.

This scene is when Jack shows Dean is his role model... But also, let's check out the colors...

Go f credit @deansplushy

The room is blue (Castiel) and the kid is imitating Dean, Dean knows it and looks very done with it.

But the whole room is painted in Blue, as if Castiel were in Jack and Dean's mind the whole time.

Then, this foreshadow...

DONATELLO: Sam? Dean? Is God with you?

Donnie was certainly sensing the new God, but also these words...

DONATELLO: (...) So… a few days ago, I’m online, checking out condos in Boca, and I am knocked off my feet by this weird wave of power. Not exactly like God’s. More like… something new, something fresh. I was drawn to it. It’s here.

Something new, something fresh, that's a good description for a new God that just had bey born. Donnie knew it the whole way long.

After this they decided to brought Jack to tattooed the sigil... And this very symbolic dialogue happened between Jack and Dean:

JACK It hurt.

Gif set credit @demondetox

This is the description of grief. So, if Dean was trying to give himself a message and to push the kid into that idea, Jack took it well. He knows he has to endure it. Even if Jack is talking about physical pain, or emotional pain, it fits perfectly with the lesson is floating around loosing Castiel.

Another discussion about Jack happens and this time Dean explodes into hurtful words, and Jack flies away.

The scene in which Sam is talking with him is very beautiful, but also, the colors caught my attention again...

Gif credit @deansplushy

Again, the color blue behind Sam and Jack, is another reminder of Cas. We also have the green (Dean) behind Sam, and Sam is talking about him. Is a very nice played scene, because Dean is to Sam what Cas is to Jack here "a father" but the good one. And Sam trying to explain why Dean acts like this...

SAM: Dean doesn’t hate you. It… Look, sometimes the wires in Dean’s head get crossed and—and he gets frustrated, and then he mixes frustration with anger, and—and fear.

JACK: Why would he be afraid?

SAM: Because Dean feels like it’s his job to protect everyone. And right now, we need to protect you. But we may also need to protect people from you.

JACK: Maybe I’m not worth all this.

SAM: Your mom thought you were. So did Cas. So do I.

Sam is mentioning one of Dean's inner issues: THE BIG PROTECTOR, as a raised first born, and as a obedient soldier, Dean is trying to fulfill the order his father gave him the night their house were burning and Mary died. John Winchester gave Sam to Dean, and asked him to take care of him, so, the GUILT HERITAGE as I spoke so many times, is playing rudely in Dean right now. He wants to fulfill that mission, because his father asked him to. This is the toxicity in Dean's personality. In harmony with the quote that is said in this same episode: the sons that try to please their fathers.

The Anger and the Patience

When the episode starts, we are immerse into a psychic house, in the window we can see an eye, as a representation of psychic but also, the eye in the triangle represents God. And we all know Chuck is about to come in season 14.

We can distinguish too a book: 'The knowledge of ourselves" in Dede's house. Is an interesting reference to what I about to come: the whole season 14 will be a self-knowledge path Dean will take based on his experience of being faced with himself in the possesion. As I described in my metas, the experience of the possesion is similar to being in Purgatory for Dean: all his human necesites will be gone, and the purity in his heart will be exposed: What do you want?

When Dede is in front of the spectrum, she can see his true form, just like we will see through Anael's eyes, AUMichael's true form.

Let's jump onto Jack's scene watching a video Kelly left him. The mother's message is very pivotal in Jack's life.

KELLY: Hi Jack, it’s uh… I’m your mom. I guess I should tell you, um, I always wanted to be a mom. I’d play with dolls. I was that kind of girl and daydream about my baby.

Kelly is certifying here he wanted to have Jack, Jack was loved. Not rejected, but loved. Kelly says I WANTED TO BE YOUR MOM.

KELLY: Jack, don’t let anyone tell you who you’re supposed to be. Because who you’re supposed to be isn’t fate, it isn’t me, it isn’t your father. You are who you choose to be. And I know you’re going to okay. You are going to be amazing. You have an angel watching over you.

'It isn't me (not human) it isn't your father (not an angel)' is the perfect description of Jack, because he is gonna be the New God. And the last quote is a recall of Mary saying the same to Dean, when she was pregnant. And, emotionally linked to episode 15x18, in which Case says 'I got you' to Jack and then to Dean.

Dean keeps rejecting Jack, calling him a monster, is a blatant self punishment facing the huge guilt he carries in his heart after losing Castiel.

An important scene happens between Missouri and Dean. She, as a psychic, can sense Dean's mourning and depression.

MISSOURI: Oh honey, I’m sorry for your losses.

Dean looks surprised to these words, all the pain he was trying to hide, mostly in front of Jody and her, it shows.

Another self reflection in the mirror of the spectrum foreshadowing Dean staring at the mirror, possesed by Michael.

The conversation between Sam and Jack shows how Jack feels himself as a monster, also he has GUILT, we are witnessing here the GUILT HERITAGE from Dean to Jack, just like John did with him.

Also, Sam see himself in Jack, through his experience with the darkness in the past.

A parallel with Kelly's messages is reflected on Missouri goodbye words to her granddaughter Patience in the cemetery.

MISSOURI: I promise, no matter what happens, no matter where I go, I will always look out for you. You hear?

The words are different but the feelings are the same. Mostly because Sam was reading a book about how to help gifted kids, and this episode talks about two gifted kids: Jack and Patience. The two of them trying to control their powers. But Jack is encouraged to do that and Patience is not allowed to do it by his father.

A little bit interesting point we have in the spectrum WRAITH feeding by psychic's brain, is a continuity with AUMichael living inside of Dean.

When everything ends, Dean has some words with Patience that caught Jody's attention...

PATIENCE: I talked to my dad. He thinks I should put it away. Dad says we should just get back to normal. Maybe he’s right.

DEAN: He is. This life, hunting, monsters, there’s no joy in it. There’s nothing but pain, horror and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.

Dean speaks directly from his broken heart, he had just lost CAS, so he lost everything. There's not meaning in keep living for him. He had seen the death that being a hunter brings. So, he had changed. Everything is sadness, grey and dark for Dean. There's no hopes, no light.

But Jody will speak again, just like Kelly did with Jack, using similar words for Patience:

JODY: Patience, wait. I may be out of line here but you don’t have to listen to him. To either of them if it’s not what you really want.

Not me, not him, Patience need to find herself, just like Jack. Just like the book prayed at the beginning of the episode.

Okay, we are going to focus now in theast scene, so so important!

When Sam sees Dean is back, they started talking about Jack again...

SAM: How was it? Uh, Jody told me about Missouri.

DEAN: Yeah, just another day at the office. How’s the kid? He go dark side yet?

Dean talks about Missouri here with apathy, emotionlessly. This is part of his depression. Then, Sam confronts him.

SAM: No, Dean. He’s messed up because of you. Dean, you said you’d kill him.

DEAN: It wasn’t exactly like that.

SAM: Then how exactly was it?

DEAN: I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak but I know how this ends and it ends bad.

SAM: I didn’t.

DEAN: What?

SAM: I didn’t ‘end bad’. When I was the freak, when I was drinking demon blood.

Sam sees himself in Jack in the good way, with hopes, but Dean sees himself in Jack as something that needs to be killed...

DEAN: Come on man, that’s totally different.

SAM: Was it? Because you could’ve put a bullet in me. Dad told you to put a bullet in me, but you didn’t! You saved me! So help me save him!

DEAN: You deserved to be saved, he doesn’t!

SAM: Yes he does, Dean, of course he does!

I will stop here, Dean reflecting himself in Jack is blatant here: HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE SAVED. Is the self knowledge of his inner GUILT and MONSTER. Dean sees himself as a monster that doesn't deserve to be saved.

DEAN: Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an interdimensional can-opener and that’s fine, but don’t act like you care about him! Because you only care about what he can do for you! So if you want to pretend, that’s fine! But me? I can hardly look at the kid! Because when I do all I see is everybody we’ve lost!

(Gif credit @foxthefanboi )

Here, my mind went immediately at the scene from previous episode, because Jack behaves so like CAS, and Dean can see it. The pain in Dean's face is getting louder and louder, his eyes, the way he is talking, with cathartic anger will reach the high point when he starts mention the most important person he lost in his life... Castiel. All his pain and anger are because Castiel is gone.

SAM: Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack!

But is not about mom...

DEAN: And what about Cas?

SAM: What about Cas?

Now, the pain and the anger are released in front of his brother. And Sam just confirms and faces it in silence.

DEAN: He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!

(gif set credit @shirtlesssammy )

Sam is silent, he takes every drop of anger and pain from his brother, the very cause of Dean's grief is revealed to him. Dean is mourning Castiel. Dean can't forget CAS is dead. Dean can't forgive Jack, himself , for that. That's why. That's the truth. That's why Sam keeps silent.

But the kid is listening...

The grief and the longing is so huge, Jack is able to reach Castiel in the Empty through it. Just like Amara reached Dean through Castiel.

(Gif set credit @shirtlesssammy)

To Conclude:

These two episode showed us how Dean reflects himself in Jack.The guilt and the pain, together with the anger is so huge in Dean's heart, he can't barely hide it.

Sam is the one keeping the flag up for hopes, but Dean had lost everything.

The profound bond is important again now, because is the way Jack reacher CAS in the Empty and wake him up.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read my previous meta from season 13 go to this link.

Buenos Aires, December 27th 2020, 12:45 PM

#destiel #destiel chronicles #destiel meta #Supernatural meta #season 13 meta #13x02 meta #13x03 meta #Jack Kline #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Sam Winchester

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bumbleberrysky · 4 years

Text

alexa, play candyshop (bass boosted) | 03

pairing: gabriel x reader genre: soulmate au, canon divergent around s13, hurt/comfort, humour, future smut (probs) wc: 3.7k rating: sfw warnings: none really

You knew there was a reason some divine power brought you to the Winchesters all those years ago, but to this day you still have no idea what that reason is. It’s something you’re destined to find out soon though, especially when you return to the bunker after months away and find not only a new face, but one that belongs to someone who up until that point you’d thought was dead. What does his return have to do with the changes you’re suddenly experiencing in yourself? Will you finally find out the reason you’d been brought here in the first place? Maybe…

Chuck works in mysterious ways after all.

prev. || next

“Well, whatever it says, we’re gonna have to wait until Cas and Dean get back before we can decipher it.”

You huff, sparing a glance to the angel huddled in the corner, resting his head against the drawers beside his bed. It’s been a few days since you’d first come back and you wish you could say you’ve had all sorts of good progress with Gabriel, but the truth is that you haven’t. He has receded so far into himself that a part of you is actually worried the archangel you knew is gone completely.

“I’m a bit worried,” you admit quietly to Sam after a moment. He turns his gaze to you and you hold it. “He’s… he’s worse than I thought.”

And, put bluntly, you’d thought he was bad.

Sam doesn’t say anything, merely releases your gaze and turns to survey the room once more; the walls are plastered in a scrambled mess of what you can only guess is enochian. You’re not sure when Gabriel had the chance to do it, but you know that earlier you’d visited him to offer him a portion of his grace back and he’d refused, so you’d left and when you returned some time later the walls were like this.

“Did Dean say when they were going to be getting back?” you ask, wringing your hands.

“He didn’t respond to my text, so I can only assume he’s driving.” Sam huffed a laugh. “Cas forgot to charge his phone again so I can’t reach him either.”

You purse your lips, trying not to smile. Of course, it is the little things that Castiel forgets. Like that wireless technology needs charging, that Beyonce is too well known to be used as a cover name, and those straws that don’t always come with fast food drinks.

You’re about to speak when the faint sound of metal hitting metal echoes through the bunker, heavy footsteps on steel stairs following suit.

“Well, I guess that saves us asking,” you say, patting Sam on the arm as you move past. The two of you depart Gabriel’s room, sparing him one last concerned glance before you close the door behind you.

“I’m home! And I brought food!”

Yeah, that’s definitely Dean. You just hope Castiel came in with him so he can see his brother and read the scribble on the walls.

x x

The scribble, as Castiel informed you, is a thrilling account of Gabriel’s Story, so to speak. What happened to him after his so-called ‘death’, and you tuned out for a fair amount of it (mostly during the detailed recount of time spent with porn-stars in Monte Carlo) but heard the important bits, like how he was traded in to Asmodeus and what the Prince of Hell then proceeded to do to him for the years following.

It saddened you, despite it being largely something you already suspected if not knew.

After listening to Castiel read the enochian on the walls, you’d had to leave. Uncharacteristic of you, and Dean had given you an odd look as you passed him in the hallway, but you couldn’t spend another minute in there. You felt bile rising to the back of your throat.

You really don’t have an explanation for why you’re reacting so strongly, so viscerally, to everything that has to do with Gabriel. Like you’d affirmed earlier, you only really met and interacted with him a handful of times! You aren’t close with him, haven’t known him extensively—

So why do you have this gaping pit of loss and grief in your stomach, like you’ve lost a limb?

It doesn’t make sense, and you’re not sure if you can make it make sense, honestly. You’d like to be able to put it on the backburner too, but every time you try it just creeps its way back to the forefront of your mind. In a bid to distract yourself, you hole yourself up in your room for the rest of the day, marathoning whatever dumb show is on TV. If you’re lucky, the entertainment channel might have old reruns of Neighbours. That never fails to make you laugh with its exaggerated soapy drama.

To your disappointment, the only thing playing in a marathon fashion is Family Guy, and with a sigh you bundle up in your covers and resign yourself to the afternoon. Well, if you wanted to numb your brain then this result isn’t so bad after all.

You spend the rest of the afternoon in your room, and pass out at some indiscernible hour. When you wake next, it’s a ridiculously early hour of the next morning and the TV is still running. You have a cramp in your neck from your odd sleeping position, and you rub it with a scowl as you emerge from the blankets and turn off the TV. You slept way too long, and there’s no way you can get back to sleep now.

Begrudgingly, you slip from your bed and into a standing position, relishing in the stretch you feel as you lengthen your tight, tense limbs. The floor is cold against your feet but you’re too lazy to search for the slippers that came with your room and instead just go on your way. Destination: kitchen.

You feel like a ghost, wandering the silent halls of the bunker. Dean is most definitely passed out by this point, and Sam… well he’s probably asleep, but you wouldn’t bet on it. That psychopath could also be out jogging. You’re so zoned out that you don’t even realise you’ve reached the kitchen until you stub your toe on the doorframe.

“FUCK!” you curse, managing to restrain yourself from howling like a lunatic just barely, at the last second. You double over, heaving in a big breath. Of course it had to be the little toe—

“y/n? Are you alright?”

The low, gravelly tone that brushes your ears is familiar and always welcome. You stick your thumb up so Castiel doesn’t worry while you grasp your bearings. When you find your voice, you follow up the gesture with a squeaky, “Fine! Peachy.”

“I would remind you that I can tell when you are lying, but I don’t think you aimed to be very believable.”

You straighten, throwing Castiel a bright smile despite the pain still throbbing in your foot. You should have looked for the slippers—this is your hubris catching you slipping.

“Sorry Cas, I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I’m fine, but I think one of these days I’m gonna break my toe for real on that stupid doorframe.”

Unfortunately, this isn’t your first run-in with the doorway. If anyone asked, you would tell them that the design of the hallway is atrocious and that door is not where it’s meant to be. Well, it’s not where you expect it to be every time you come to the kitchen, and is clearly an obvious design flaw.

The angel lets out a soft noise of understanding, lips twitching in the ghost of a smile. “Perhaps. You don’t seem to have very good luck with doorframes.”

“Nope, I definitely do not,” you respond, shaking your foot out before moving over to the fridge and checking to see if Dean bought strawberries. A noise of delight escapes you as you find what you’re looking for, several punnets stacked in the back corner. Ah, and they say old dogs can’t learn new tricks—Dean is a very good learner with the proper motivation!

(Pavlov would be proud of you.)

Castiel has a smile on his face as he watches you remove one of the punnets, hopping up onto the bench facing him and flicking the plastic open. He approaches, movements fluid and calm, and for a few moments you sit in comfortable silence. He is the first to break it.

“y/n… are you alright?” At his repeated question you give him a confused look, and he hurries to elaborate. “I mean… with everything. With Gabriel. I noticed how you left, yesterday.”

Ah. Well, you knew that you hadn’t been subtle, but you hadn’t been sure whether anyone was going to question you on it. You munch on a berry as you think, gaze flicking to the side. You wouldn’t dream of telling Sam or Dean about the odd sensations you’d been feeling, despite the fact they knew how you’d reacted to the news of Gabriel’s death, but Castiel… you felt comfortable confiding this in him.

“Well… yes, and no.” You drop the top of the strawberry into the lid of the punnet and reach for another. “To be honest, I don’t really understand what is going on with me. It’s like… super overactive empathy. It just hurts, to see him that way. And it makes me sad, knowing what he went through. Painfully so.”

Castiel nods, light eyes on you as he listens attentively and with care. You chew through another two berries before continuing. “Hearing it straight from him—well, as straight from him as it could be, I suppose—it just got to be a bit much for me. I had to leave. It just… made me feel a bit sick, is all.”

The look on the angel’s face is pensive, and it’s as though you can see his mind whirring a mile a minute behind the sky of his eyes. “I see,” he murmurs, gaze flicking to the side as he thinks. “Well, you are a very kind soul, so I am not surprised by your empathy. Though, if it is affecting you so strongly…”

He pauses, eyes finding your own again. “If you feel ill again, come find me. I’ll help as much as I can.”

You smile at him, every moment as sincere as you’ve ever been. “Thanks, Cas. I really appreciate it.”

x x

Sam must have done or said something to Gabriel while you were locked up in your room, because there seemed to be a sudden change in his progress.

For the better, you think. Well, you hope.

He was a little less withdrawn, a little less manic and fidgety. He still doesn’t really speak, and doesn’t react well to loud noises or sudden movements, but Sam told you he had spoken last night.

To correct him about calling the Monte Carlo porn-stars ‘hookers’, of course. You’d wanted to slam your head into the tile wall when you’d heard that.

The day passed quickly after your encounter with Castiel, and you spent it cleaning and polishing your weapons—you don’t want to go down as that one stupid hunter whose greatest folly was improper upkeep of her arsenal. Only when you’d polished your machete to a gleaming shine did you admit that it was likely time for a break. You thought it had only been a few hours, so when you wandered out and found that it was actually almost dinner time, you’d been pretty surprised.

Sam had run into you in the hallway and filled you in, and afterwards had insisted on accompanying you to the kitchen. It seems you spend a lot of your time there, now you think about it.

The large, industrial-feeling space is where you find yourself now, making a lazy stir-fry from pre-packaged vegetables and beef. You’d tasked Sam with cooking the rice since he’d insisted on lingering for conversation, and since you trust that he’s more capable than his brother you don’t bother checking on his progress.

“Castiel was worried when he first saw Gabriel, but after seeing the writing he’s happy because it means the Gabriel we know is still in there, somewhere.” Sam updates you from your side, sniffing and peering into the wok before you in mild interest. “That smells good. You sharing?”

“Maybe,” you answer him, giving him a sly look. “Depends… you got any of that guilt-free ice cream hiding in the freezer?”

Sam peers around to make sure his brother isn’t listening before nodding, “Back corner, behind the frozen berries. We got a deal?”

“Pleasure doing business with you, young Winchester,” you answer with a shake of his hand, putting on an accent for his benefit. He snorts, moving away to grab two bowls—good timing, you have to note, since the stir-fry is almost done. “Kind of sad you still have to hide it from Dean, though.”

“Are you kidding? He has a nose like a bloodhound for sweets,” Sam says, coming back with porcelain in tow. “Did I ever tell you about the time he found an industrial-size bag of Hershey’s kisses I bought? I hid it in the vents in the dustiest corner of the library, and he still found it. That was meant to last me months and he tore through it in a week.”

You blink, mildly impressed. You knew he had a sweet tooth but you didn’t know it was that bad. “Dude, get your brother some therapy.”

Sam snorts, muttering something about how it would be easier to herd cats and juggle at the same time. You’re distracted for the moment by an errant thought that filters across your mind at the mention of chocolates.

Gabriel, in his time spent as a trickster, developed quite the soft spot for them… could it…?

You stir the food before you once more before taking the wok off the heat, moving it to the wooden chopping board on the bench; Sam takes initiative and turns off the stove behind you, something you’re thankful for.

You’ll have to test your theory after dinner.

x x

The chocolates and candies you’d left for Gabriel after you’d had your dinner are, to your delight, gone the next time you see him.

You’d placed them on a tray for him outside the room and knocked, letting him know you had left him something. Of course, after that no matter how much you wished to stay you forced yourself to be on your merry way so he could retrieve them in peace. The rest of the night had been spent arguing with Dean about the proper name a werewolf-vampire hybrid should be called—not because you have an important opinion on the matter, of course, but because Dean gets very fired up about the subject and it’s very funny to behold.

Back to the point, when you’d returned on your trip past Gabriel’s room this morning (on your way to the kitchen, as anyone would expect), the tray had been placed neatly to the side with the wrappers twisted into the shape of a big, shiny bow. Kind of impressive, especially since you have no idea how he got them to stay stuck together like that.

It made you happy, though, that he’d eaten them. Angels don’t need to eat, of course, but he’d seemed to develop a taste for them ever since adopting the mask of Loki so you thought it might help make him feel a little more like himself.

You try not to think about it too much because it actually makes you a bit embarrassed— why are you so invested? You don’t quite want to know.

Currently, you’re settled in the library with your legs crossed and a tome on celestial beings in your lap. By your side is a plate of celery and a jar of peanut butter, and Dean, who is seated at the oak table with Castiel across from him, is giving you periodic looks of disgust and twisted curiosity. He’d started off attempting to read up on some monster—you suspected it was Werepires, after last night’s argument—while Sam popped off to the store for groceries, since Mary and Jack were meant to be returning tonight. The keyword to note here is attempting; each crunch of celery between your teeth yanks his gaze from the book to you and you can tell its wearing on him. Castiel says nothing, having discovered candy crush on his phone earlier, and merely glances between the two of you every now and then with a faint look of amusement.

“Alright,” He finally breaks after your third stick of celery, giving it a look like it personally offends him. “How can you eat that? Just use a spoon if you like peanut butter so much.”

“What the fuck, ew,” you comment, chomping loudly before dipping the stick into the jar for another coating. “I hate peanut butter.”

“You’re sitting there practically eating it out of the jar!”

“I get cravings sometimes, Dean!” you throw back, somewhat defensively. “It’s like when people eat vegemite—no one likes it, but you get cravings for it, you know?”

“What—ew, no, I don’t know!” Dean’s face has now crumpled into a complete look of disgust at the mention of that particular spread, and he shudders as he regards you. “Every time you leave I almost forget what a freak you are, and then you come back and I’m reminded all over again.”

The way he says it has no bite whatsoever, and you flash him a grin. You don’t realise Castiel has even been paying attention until he speaks, the humour lacing his deadpan tone the only give-away that he’s teasing.

“That wasn’t very nice, Dean. You eat some weird things for a human yourself—like that greasy, fried dessert from the stall in the food festival we drove through.”

Dean at first looks like he wants to argue, but at Castiel’s example a flush of green instead washes over his features. “Ugh, god that was gross. Don’t ever let me buy before I try at a food market again, Cas.”

Castiel snorts softly, turning back to his phone, “You have my word.”

Dean seems to have forgotten he was shaming you for your celery topping, his attention now directed back to the book before him. His face is still kind of pale and you assume he is now adequately distracted enough for you to continue eating in peace. After consuming the rest of the celery in your hold, you go to turn back to your own book. It isn’t meant to be, though, because in the next second the familiar sound of the heavy metal bunker door creaking open splits the air and Sam’s bright voice follows after.

“We’re back! We brought fried chicken.”

You slam the lid back on the peanut butter, putting it on the plate with the celery and launching to your feet in record time, the book unfortunate collateral. It’s like you’re possessed as you zoom into the kitchen, stomach alive and stirring at the mention of chicken despite the fact you’d already been eating.

Upon entry to the kitchen, you’re faced with two new people you have yet to be introduced to—considering you’re familiar with most of Sam and Dean’s other contacts by this point in your friendship, you presume that these two must be Jack and Mary, the Nephilim and the Winchester brother’s resurrected mother, respectively.

“Hello!” you greet, darting forward to help Sam with the food. He gives you a look that tells you he knows exactly why you’d come to help and gives you the bag full of groceries instead of the one with chicken, just to spite you. Your face falls into a pout but your voice is still cheery as you continue, “I’m y/n, I hunt with Dean off and on.”

Both of their faces light in recognition, and you realise that your reputation has preceded you. Exactly which reputation depends on which brother mentioned you—you imagine Dean would have had some very interesting comments to add.

“Hello,” the woman, Mary, speaks, and you’re taken aback by how soft-spoken she seems in contrast with the badass aura and get-up she’s got going on. You’re a little surprised to see her, considering she’s the same age as you presume she would have been when Sam was a baby. “I’m Mary, I’m sure you’ve heard about me. It’s a pleasure to meet you, and… thank you for looking after my boys over the years.”

You beam a grin and it must come across as a very shit-eating one because you hear Dean groan from the next room over as he ambles to join the crowd in the kitchen.

“Don’t encourage her,” he says gruffly as he enters the kitchen, hugging his mother and ruffling Jack’s hair before following his nose to the bag with the chicken in it. “She’ll never let it go.”

“I’m Jack!” Your attention is torn from the previous interaction and redirected to the youthful blonde man next to Mary, grinning at you brightly. “I’ve heard so much about you—it’s nice to finally meet you!”

“Oh, you’ve heard about me?” you can’t help yourself from asking, and you hear Dean’s groan echo behind you. “All good things, I hope.”

It’s a little unfair of you to be fishing in the Jack pond for little tidbits you can use to bully Dean later, considering he’s literally barely a year old and doesn’t really know better to keep his mouth shut, but it is what it is. The question left you out of habit more than anything.

“Oh, definitely,” Jack answers, going to help Mary the second he sees her struggle with a bag from the corner of his eyes, “Well, mostly. Dean—”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Dean interrupted loudly and pointedly, not-so-subtly holding his finger to his mouth to tell Jack to shut it. “Dinner time! Everyone into the library, we have a lot to catch up on.”

Begrudgingly you let it go and follow his directions. He has a point; there is definitely a lot of informing to be done, especially regarding the archangel in the room down the hall.

You take a seat and wait for your meal to be served. The night passes quickly from that point on, the brothers cracking out some beer and Dean snickering when you turn your nose up at it (bad experience, better not to remember it). You get to know Mary Winchester and Jack Kline a little better, and now with all of your heads put together you hope you can come up with a solution to the issues around Gabriel and his recovery.

Well, that and you’re going to see if you can get some good material out of Mary to tease the brothers with. When in Rome, after all!

prev. || next.

#supernatural #supernatural x reader #supernatural fanfic #supernatural gabriel x reader #gabriel x reader #reader insert #spn fanfic #spn gabriel #gabriel x you #supernatural gabriel x you #supernatural soulmate au #soulmate au #wing fic #hhhhhhhh #supernatural au #supernatural series #gabriel series

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chocolateheart · 4 years

Text

Hidden Truths

Title: Hidden Truths.

Word count: 4083

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: After nearly losing you during the hunt, Dean finally opens up and reveals some hidden truths.

Warnings: 18+, tiny angst, fluff, smut, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it kiddos), oral sex, sex stuff in general, lil swearing.

A/N: Hi guys! So, here it is!

This is my first time posting something and I am nervous af, I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m excited. I’m not a great writer and this story is not very original, it's hella hard to find something that wasn't already written. Feel free with opinions, I'll take all the criticism on my chest.

Special THANK YOU to my amazing betas and friends @winchest09 and @deanwanddamons for taking care of my work, kicking my nervous ass and helping whenever I needed it. Without you, this wouldn't see a daylight. Love you ❤

**********

You knew Dean was probably right and you shouldn’t go in without him but you couldn’t wait. You stormed inside scanning every corner with watchful eyes. It was empty and quiet, no signs of any presence. This abandoned building was supposed to be a covens hideout. You and boys had been tracking them for days, so you couldn’t be wrong. You lowered your gun going into the last room and frowned, searching for anything that could lead you to answers when you heard them.

“Knock it off!” a sharp voice cut through the silence, followed by shattering glass and heavy thump.

Sam?

You ran in the direction of the sound, kicked the door in and quickly took in the scene that was happening in front of you. Sam was pinned to the wall by an invisible force, beaten and bleeding. A woman with ginger locks stood in the middle of a fire circle finishing her spell, one hand pointing at Sam who was grunting, trying to free himself.

“Hey, bitch!” you yelled aiming a gun at her. She turned her head and looked at you with furious eyes. “Let him go!”

“Y/N!” Sam shouted. A second later you felt a sharp pain cutting through your body, causing you to take a deep, surprised breath. “No!”

You looked at the black eyed man who was smiling at you with satisfaction. He yanked the blade out of your stomach. You collapsed to the ground and grunted as he kicked you in your fresh wound. Air flew out of your lungs and your eyes rolled from dizziness.

“No!” You barely heard Dean’s voice as tears blurred the view of him slicing the demon’s throat and rushing to help his brother.

You rolled on your side and shut your eyes tight from pain. You pressed your hands to the wound, feeling the blood coat your fingers. Taking sharp, shallow breaths you lifted yourself up so you could partly lean on the wall. That’s when you heard a gunshot and in the corner of your eye you saw the witch fall down, a hole in her head. Sam’s feet touched the floor and you closed your eyes.

“No, no, no, no…” Dean was next to you in seconds, cupping your cheeks. “Y/N stay with me, don’t you dare close your eyes,” he warned and you saw his green eyes full of worry and panic. You smiled.

“He-Hey De…” you coughed tasting blood on your tongue.

“Cas!” he yelled into the air. “Cas, come on man, I need you,” he said through gritted teeth covering your hands with his, holding your face with his second hand. “Sweetheart, look at me, focus on me. Hey, hey, right into my eyes,” you struggled but did what he asked, still smiling weakly.

“Dean, she’s drifting.” Sam’s voice caught your attention and you managed to look at him.

“Hey, Sammy. You’re okay…” A cough interrupted you again. Your whole body was shaking, spreading pain.

Your eyelids fluttered. The world was spinning, the boys’ faces blurry but Dean’s green eyes kept you from falling completely. For now.

Sam touched your face and arm, mumbling something about you getting cold. His brother’s fear grew as you grunted and slipped slightly on your side. He grabbed you and you hung limply in his arms, weak and pale, taking torn breaths.

“Dean…” you always wanted his name to be your last word.

You wanted to add much more. You wanted to tell him everything you felt but it was too much, you weren’t strong enough, words didn’t want to come out. You managed to touch his face, you wanted to remember that. The second you felt his skin and looked into his scared eyes, you were okay with dying. Your life was good, you had him and his brother. And death was fine as long as it was with them by your side.

You blinked for the last time, flashed a small smile to the man that owned your heart and darkness consumed you right before Castiel put his hand on Dean’s arm.

***

The trip back to the bunker was silent and tense. You noticed that Dean was gripping the wheel so hard, that his knuckles were white and even in dim light from the roadside lights, you could see his clenching jaw. Normally, you'd find it hot, but right now you knew it meant that he would shout at you the second you crossed the bunker’s threshold.

And he did.

"What exactly were you thinking, huh?!" he yelled, throwing his bag on the map table, next to yours. You turned to face him.

"Dean…"

"I told you to wait for me! I told you it was dangerous. You knew there was a possibility that she worked with demons!" he punched the column. "Dammit, Y/N!"

"You knew I would go. Especially after we got that weird call from Sam," he shook his head. "Think about what could’ve happened if I didn't interrupt her..."

"You wouldn't have gotten hurt, that's what could’ve happened!"

"Yeah, and she would’ve finished the spell! Kill those people and probably Sam too!" you raised your voice.

Dean always worried too much. He was always treating you like you were made of glass. You were a good hunter. It wasn't the first time something like this happened. Yes, maybe today you hadn’t planned it well. Maybe you weren't focused enough, and there was a big chance you could have been killed if Cas hadn’t appeared, but things like this were normal in life like yours. And Dean should be the last person yelling at you because of death threatening decisions; he had made few on his own.

"And you thought that joining the group was a good idea?! Jesus, Y/N, why do you have to be so stupid?!" It took you aback. Your eyebrows shot up.

"Excuse me?! Listen! Maybe it was quick decision and maybe I didn't think it through long enough but don't you dare call me stupid!" you pointed a finger at him. "It was about saving someone's life! And I think you, out of everyone, know the best about taking stupid steps! Don't make me remind you how many times I was in your place, watching you dying or going straight into the fire! So if you want to fight with me over it, look in the mirror first! You would do the exact same thing today, you wouldn't give a shit if I told you to wait for me!"

"It's not the same, Y/N! It's about you, for fucks sake!"

"And what the hell does that mean?! Why is it different?! Because I'm a girl?!" you asked but somehow you knew it wasn't the reason. "Because I haven’t been hunting as long as you have?! Because I stole your moment of glory or something?!"

He rolled his eyes, "you know that’s not the point!"

"Then what is that, Dean?!"

"Guys," Sam came between you.

"What?!" you asked together and exchanged angry looks.

"Can you stop?" he pushed his hands through his long hair, still colored with blood. "It's over, there’s no need to keep going over it. A lot happened tonight and the last thing I need is you two jumping down each other’s throats. And I think you don't want it either.”

"You're right, Sam." you agreed, crossing your arms over your chest. "But I'm done with his worrying ass and I swear if he won’t stop yelling at me for doing my job…"

"Dying is not your job!" Dean shouted again.

"Dean," you knew this tone. Sam tried to stop the fight from growing again.

"Don't Dean me!" his brother looked at him with anger on his face. "You know how this could've ended up, you were there!"

"But it didn't so leave it!"

"He won't leave it, he's too stubborn," you said. "But I'm not going to apologize for anything and there is no way I'll promise not to do something like this again." You took your stuff from the table. "And, if you can't live with that, that's your problem but I thought you knew me well enough to know that waiting politely for backup while I can do something, is not what I do." Sadness crept into your voice.

It was always like that. You made a decision, something happened and you ended up fighting in the middle of the bunker. Every time. You were so done with that, it was tiring as hell. You knew Dean cared about you, but you wished he could accept your lifestyle, especially when his life was so similar.

"Just…" you started as you began to walk backwards but your words failed you, "Goodnight, guys." You waved at them. You were too tired to argue further, so ignoring their looks you headed to your room.

***

A few hours later, after rethinking everything over and over again, you took a long, hot shower, cleaning the blood, dust and sweat from your body. Your room was the only one with it's own bathroom and it was like heaven. You had all the privacy you needed.

Warm water relaxed you and soothed your nerves. You went out with a cleared head, put on some sleeping shorts and shirt, happy that after a whole day you could throw away your bra. All you wanted now was to bury yourself into your pillows and sleep as long as possible.

You jumped in surprise seeing Dean sitting on your bed. You placed a hand on your chest feeling your heart beating faster and released a breath.

“Jesus, Dean. You scared me,” you said putting your clothes on the desk.

“Sorry,’ he mumbled looking down on his hands. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows digging into his knees, his body tense. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.”

You frowned, seeing his complex face and tilting your head you sat down next to him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” you asked. He wasn’t often like this. Usually when something was bothering him he hid it, putting his best mask on. But you always knew anyway.

“I just…” he took a deep breath and lifted his head up, looking at the ceiling. “I was scared Y/N. When I saw you collapse on that damn ground…” he turned his head so he could look at you, his voice barely over a whisper. “I thought I lost you.”

You smiled warmly understanding exactly what he meant. You’d lost count how many times you lost your shit thinking that something happened to him and you still remembered the feeling like your own life running out of you every time he died. To this day you felt sick thinking about it.

You knew he cared about you as much as you cared about him, but you also knew you loved this man. It took you time, years of fighting, living and doing literally everything together to figure out it was more than just a friendship. But you didn’t say a word. Each time you chickened out, laughing and reminding yourself this feeling wasn’t mutual. Even though you noticed intense looks, lingering touches and nervousness in some of his actions, you told yourself it was just your mind.

But moments like this, when he opened up to you, talking without any games, showing you how much he cared, it really seemed like he felt something.

The last few months had been a rollercoaster. Hunt after hunt you ended up beaten and covered in blood. You were pretty sure your counter of broken bones had already reached three digits. Death was reaching for you with it’s skinny hand every time.

As if he was reading your mind, Dean spoke.

“I’m done Y/N. I’m so done with the thought of you dying every time we go hunting. I don’t know what’s going on lately, but the world out there seems to be more crazy than it was before and I am shaking with nerves every time you grab a weapon and go out.”

“Dean,” you started, taking his hands in yours. “You know I can handle that. It’s not like I’ve been hunting since yesterday, I’ll be fine.” He smiled sadly but honestly.

“Yeah, I know you’re badass, I saw you. But I still feel anxious thinking I won’t be there on time and if I lose you, I won’t be able to say all the things I want to.”

You frowned. “What do you mean?”

He chuckled, shaking his head, dropping his eyes on your now entwined hands.

“I want to do this after every time we return from a hunt, but for some reasons I never do. And then, when I'm almost losing you again, I think that I won’t have another chance. It’s like that, over and over again, and I’m so fucking mad at myself because…” he took deep breath and lifted his gaze back on you. “There are things I want to tell you, to show you… but I don’t know how. I am genuinely scared of your reaction.”

You searched his face for a moment and when he looked down again you placed your palm on his cheek, rubbing his cheekbone with your thumb.

“Tell me, Dean,” you said quietly.

You didn’t want to, but your mind made up a whole story that attached to his words, creating scenes and emotions you wanted, and now you were praying for it to be true. He leaned into your touch closing his eyes, sighing with relief and your tummy twisted.

“Show me,” you whispered.

After a few seconds his green eyes met yours. It was like someone had punched you. Your temperature rose under his intense look and you swallowed hard. He noticed and his eyes travelled slowly over your face. Pushing your hair away, he caressed your jaw and ear with his right hand, causing tiny sparks to dance on your skin.

His eyes moved to your lips as he licked his own. Then he looked at you as if he was asking for permission, hoping you wouldn’t kick him if he made a move. But you couldn’t move even if you wanted too. Air around you got thick and heavy, your body was rising in heat, blood rushing in your ears pumped by your racing heart. He started to lean forward, but your mind still couldn’t process what was going on.

Was he seriously about to kiss you right now?

You got the answer when Dean closed the gap between you, briefly and smoothly brushing your mouth with his. And, God, it was enough to mess with your head.

When you didn’t pull away he kissed again but a little bit harder and your body responded. You pushed on, moving your hand from his cheek to the back of his head. He took a sharp breath and pulled you closer, arching you to him. Your head was spinning when you got faster and more handsy. He shifted, pulling one leg up on the bed so he was sitting straight towards you and placed his hand on your hip, the other still holding your face. You ran your fingers through his hair noticing it’s softness. Gently lifting your chin with his fingertip, he slightly sucked on your lower lip. You gripped his hair and scrap the back of his head. Dean moaned shortly and broke the kiss, but didn’t pull away. He stayed millimeters away from you, the two of you panting against each other’s lips.

“Y/N, I’m…” With your eyes still closed you rested your forehead on his.

“I swear if you say you’re sorry, I’m gonna kick your ass,” you breathed out and he chuckled.

“We should…” he pulled away just so he could look in your eyes. “You should stop me, before I do more,” his serious tone made you smile.

“Well…” you lifted yourself up and holding his gaze you sat astride him. He looked up at you; confused expression on his face. “Who said I want to stop you?”

“But…” you cut him off, pressing your lips to his.

You didn’t care. After years you finally had him and you didn’t think about letting him go or pushing away. Hell no. You craved this guy with everything you had. Your feelings were deeper than you were brave to confess. And the fact that he came up with that, that he was the one kissing you for the first time. It gave you hope.

It turned you on.

You almost died today, you deserve and needed to release some tension that mixed with your unspoken love.

Cupping his face between your hands you kissed him deep and slow, waking up his imagination. Dean took a sharp breath once again and you felt his hands slipping under the back of your shirt. Skin to skin contact made your body shiver. You opened up when he licked your lips; your eyes rolled back as you tasted each other, moaning together. His hot tongue completely turned off your mind and you slid your hands back on his neck and under his shirt.

One stroke with your nails and you shrieked when Dean suddenly rose up to his feet, holding you up just under your ass. He walked around the bed and gently laid you down on the pillows. Leaving your lips he kissed down your jaw and then neck, nipping every so often. His teeth grazed over your collarbone and you felt the knot in your stomach tightening. You gripped his shirt.

“Take it off,” you whispered and his eyes shimmered.

You smiled when he straightened up and took his shirt off, kneeling between your legs. You ran your hands on his firm stomach feeling his muscles contracting under your touch. You saw lust ghosting his eyes as he leaned down to kiss you passionately, which dragged a moan from you. You were all his, in this moment you would let him do anything, whatever he wanted.

And what he wanted was your shirt to be gone. You sat up letting him take care of it and gasped when, without any warning, he pushed you back on the pillows and sucked on one of your breasts. Using his tongue and teeth he made sure both of your nipples stood hard, happy to see him. He kissed a line from between your breasts, down your stomach, to the waistband of your shorts.

“Dean,” you whined, shifting eagerly.

He smiled and winked at you. Hooking his fingers under the material he slowly took it down, not leaving your eyes even for a second. As you laid there naked, cold air causing goosebumps, Dean kissed your ankle, knee and inner thighs. His hot breath hit your core and you couldn’t help but shiver. You held your breath as he licked from your entrance to your aching clit sucking it into his perfect mouth. You jerked up but Dean pressed you down by putting his large hands on your belly.

You were moaning louder with every flick of his tongue, his mouth driving you crazy, sending sparks to your system. You pulled on his hair when he sucked onto your clit, adding a finger between your folds; you were done with teasing.

"Dean, come here," you whimpered and after a last few strokes he crawled up and let you taste yourself while you fumbled with his pants. Without waiting you slid your hand in his boxers and grabbed his shaft.

"Fuck," he breathed a curse, hiding his face in your neck.

You pumped him slowly, Dean bucking his hips to meet your movements. His breath hitched, body trembled, and when you placed an open mouth kiss just under his jaw, he growled and suddenly jumped off the bed. He got rid of his clothes faster than you could blink and he was back at you. In between kisses you heard his shallow, breathy tone.

"Do you have any?" he asked but you looked at him shaking your head.

"I do, but I wanna feel you," you said smiling shyly.

Dean's eyes got darker but shined bright at the same time. You saw emotions running through him. He could say something, hell, he could just stand up and find the condom. But he didn't want to.

Instead he shifted but before he could enter you, you pushed on his shoulders, giving him the signal to lay on his back. He rolled over and you sat on him, kissing as you slowly sank down on his hard cock that filled you inch by inch. Your walls fluttered at the feeling; you both stopped and grunted when he bottomed out.

You locked your eyes with his and moved your hips, causing him to bite on his lower lip. His head dropped back onto the pillow when you sped up and he moaned loudly, gripping hard on your hips. Your head fell back from pleasure. He was filling you perfectly, scraping over every sensitive spot inside you, hitting you right where you needed him.

Suddenly he sat up, pulling you flush to him, caging you in his strong arms, digging his fingers in your shoulder blades. You hooked your hands on his neck and slightly scraped the back of his head pulling a low growl from him. He liked it.

His hot breath fanned over your skin. He nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck and whispered your name, causing your stomach to tremble. Then he sank his teeth in the tattoo on your collarbone while thrusting hard at the same time and you felt a jolt of intense electricity going through your body.

You cried out with surprise and intense feeling, and Dean repeated his action, dragging you down by your shoulders. He was pumping into you slow but hard and you felt heat building impossibly high in your lower stomach.

"Dean...I…" you tried to build a proper sentence but you've lost the ability to talk a long time ago. In answer to your words he deftly flipped you over so you were under him.

"I know, sweetheart. Me too," he breathed thrusting firmly, his cock throbbed confirming his statement. "Baby, come with me. Please, come with me," he pleaded, reached down to your clit and started rubbing small circles. You felt your muscles tighten, rising your body up from sheets, locking a scream in your throat.

And then it all let go. Your orgasm hit hard, it was overwhelming, mind blowing. Fire ran through every cell in your body, every inch trembled, your head was hazy.

With one last thrust Dean growled pressing himself to you and coated your walls with hot cum. You milked him to the last drop, your bodies pulsed together.

After a few moments, you came down from your high, still glued to Dean, who's breath was returning to normal. His warmth and weight was so pleasurable. Caressing his back with your fingertips you took deeper breaths pressing your nose to his neck, smelling him. Dean purred happily and did the same to you, sliding his arms under and around you, leaning on his elbows so he didn't crush you.

He looked into your eyes, a lazy smile dancing on his lips. Giving a brief kiss he partly closed his eyes, bliss and joy written over his face. You gently ran your hand through his hair and played with his earlobe. He melted into your touch and then kissed the inside of your palm.

"You okay?" he asked. You nodded and he kissed your nose, rolled over and stood up from bed. "Hold on."

He disappeared in your bathroom for a moment and came back with a cloth so you could clean yourself.

"We should have done this a long time ago," you stated, stretching yourself, feeling blissful tiredness.

"Hell yeah we should," Dean agreed, joining you under the covers, pulling you close to him. "But we were dumbasses," he chuckled on his own words and you kissed his chest, smiling. "You know it will be even worse now, right? I will worry more, we will be fighting Y/N, all the time."

"Yeah, I know," you said shrugging. "But now…" you turned your head and put your chin on his chest. "We can have angry sex after," wiggling your brows you gave him cocky grin. He smiled widely, all teeth and dimples, and he shook his head.

"You're gonna be the death of me, sweetheart."

**********

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Now I'm gonna hide in the corner!

Tags: @winchest09 @deanwanddamons @jay-and-dean @katehuntington @snffbeebee @bunkerconfessions @roonyxx thank you guys for all the support!

#dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #fanfiction #smut #dean winchester smut #spn fanfic #fanfic #supernaturalfanfic #supernatural fanfic #oneshot #dean winchester one shot #dean winchester x you

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dickspeightjrs · 4 years

Text

The IKEA Curse (college au / 3k words / fluff / angst)

ao3 link

“We’re getting nowhere, Cas.” Dean grumbled. “Let’s just hurry up and pick something so we can move on.”

Castiel sent an exasperated look to his best friend. “You’re the one who found an apartment for us that doesn’t come with furniture.”

“I already told you, it was a good deal!” Dean insisted.

Dean and Castiel had been best friends since they’d been assigned as roommates in freshman year of college. Despite Dean’s initial impression of Cas being that the guy was a little weird and didn’t always understand Dean’s references, they ended up becoming fast friends.

They carried on rooming together through college but now they’d graduated they’d decided it would be easier to carry on living together in their own place. They knew they could live together and neither of them would ever be able to afford their own place with their mountain of student debt.

So that’s how they found themselves in Ikea on a busy Saturday afternoon, bickering over what they should get to furnish their new apartment.

“Fine,” Castiel relented, “but you can’t complain about my furniture choices.”

“I can when you’re trying to convince me that a JONAXEL is better than a KALLAX!” Dean exclaimed. Castiel could be a little out there with his taste and Dean could dig it most of the time but he had to put his foot down now.

“But a KALLAX is so generic, Dean, everyone has one!” Castiel responded in earnest.

“I don’t give a crap about anyone else, we’re the only ones living in our apartment. You think Sam is gonna care about what shelves we have when he comes to stay?”

Castiel sighed but didn’t answer.

They continued walking around the showroom, reluctantly pointing out other items of furniture that they thought the other might like in an attempt to actually agree on something.

It was not going well.

Eventually, Castiel spotted the toilets and pulled Dean to the side. “I need to go to the bathroom. Wait here, then we’ll go and try to pick out a couch.” He walked off, not waiting for Dean to answer.

Dean rolled his eyes and groaned to himself, leaning his head against the wall behind him. This day was never ending. Their friendship may have withstood a lot over the past few years of living together but who knew it would be a trip to Ikea that really tested it.

An amused chuckle came from next to Dean. He looked to his left to find a middle-aged woman with a small smirk on her face. She seemed to be waiting for someone in the bathroom too.

“You two remind me of my husband and I. That’s exactly what we were like with our first home after we got married.” She smiled and then gave Dean a thoughtful look. “But it soon settles and you realise being with each other is more important than what shelves you have in the living room.”

Dean spluttered. “W-we’re not married. We’re not even together.” He quickly explained. “We’re just friends.”

The woman gave Dean a knowing look. “That’s exactly what me and my husband used to say to people before we got together.”

Dean felt his heart rate increase in panic. He’d accepted his true feelings for Castiel a long time ago but that didn’t mean he wanted to do anything about them. There was no way he’d risk his friendship with Cas over some stupid feelings.

A delicate hand touched Dean on the arm, pulling him out of his thoughts. The woman regarded him with a concerned look. “Don’t worry yourself, sweetheart, it’ll happen.” She reassured him.

Dean was saved from answering by Castiel coming out of the bathroom. He looked between Dean and the woman but didn’t say anything, just asking Dean if he was ready to carry on.

As they left, Dean gave one last glance to the woman who only gave him an encouraging look in return.

Dean tried to clear his head as they moved through the store to the couches. He let himself be distracted by the various options on display but all he really wanted now was to lie down on one of them and never get up.

“Which one do you like the look of Dean?” Castiel asked kindly, oblivious to Dean’s internal turmoil.

“I don’t know, man. Let’s just choose one and get out of here.” Dean mumbled. He didn’t like the turn this day has taken. Suddenly everything felt entirely too domestic and it showed Dean everything that he could never have.

Castiel finally sensed the change in Dean. With a frown he asked, “Is everything okay, Dean? I know we’ve been at odds today but it feels like there’s something else going on.”

“I’m fine, dude. Just feeling tired, I guess.” Dean shrugged off Cas’ concern.

“Okay..” Castiel squinted in disbelief, clearly he knew Dean wasn’t telling the truth but he didn’t press him on the issue. “We could ask someone who works here what they recommend? It might get us out of here faster.” He suggested.

And that’s one of the things Dean loved about Cas. His ability to sense when Dean didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering him, but instead he gave Dean support in other ways. If he’d had an argument with Sam, Cas would be there silently putting on one of Dean’s favourite movies. When Dean had failed a test he’d studied really hard for, Cas had been there wordlessly putting together Dean’s favourite pie.

Despite his awkwardness around other people, and his tendency to miss social cues, Castiel could always read Dean, and he knew when to get Dean to talk and when to just be present for him. Castiel knew him like no one else did.

Dean loved him so much.

Taking a small steadying breath through his nose, Dean nodded silently at Castiel’s suggestion. He just wanted to go out, get drunk and forget all about this day. Maybe Castiel could come back by himself to finish choosing their furniture. Dean knew he’d end up loving whatever Cas chose because it would just be wholly and completely Cas. Cas who had strange quirks and questionable taste but who Dean admired with every fibre of his being. Cas wasn’t stupid, he knew he was different to other people and Dean loved that about him.

“Excuse me?” Castiel got the attention of a girl wearing a vest with ‘Ikea’ written across the back, and ushered her over.

As she approached, Dean’s mood rose slightly spotting her Baby Yoda pin tacked to her uniform. Charlie, as her name badge read, clearly had an awesome taste in movies.

“Hi!” Charlie greeted enthusiastically, red hair jostling with the energy buzzing through her. “How can I help you?”

“We’re looking for a couch,” Castiel supplied, “and we were wondering if you could recommend one? Our apartment isn’t the biggest but we’d need something that would be large enough to seat us both.”

“I know exactly the one!” Charlie beamed. “It’s just over here,” she said, gesturing towards a collection of couches on the other side of the room. She guided them through the maze of different fabrics and colours to a rather understated looking, dark-coloured, two seat couch. “It doesn’t look like much but it’s super comfy - give it a try!” She encouraged.

Dean and Castiel looked briefly at each other before seating themselves on the couch. Dean had to admit, she was right. The couch was certainly comfier than it looked. “I like it.” He stated. Castiel nodded in agreement.

“I’m glad!” Charlie smiled. “I thought you guys would. My girlfriend and I actually have this couch and it’s perfect for movie nights.”

Blood started rushing in Dean’s ears.

“Really? Dean has been trying to get me to watch more of his favourite movies recently. We’ve just started watching the ones with the Avengers.” Castiel stated. He turned to Dean to include him in the conversation but Dean had closed in on himself again. He knew exactly where this conversation was heading.

“Ah they’re awesome, especially Black Widow. Scarlett Johansson is a goddess.” Charlie chattered, completely unaware of Dean not joining in with the conversation. “And if you guys are anything like me and my girlfriend, it’s great for when you fall asleep together during said movie nights. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love a trip to The Shire as much as the next person but those movies are super long. But, this couch is deep enough that it can easily fit two adults lying together. And possibly moving together if you catch my drift..” Charlie wiggled her eyebrows with a playful smirk.

And Dean’s brain just snapped.

“We’re not together!” He insisted sharply.

Charlie went quiet. “My mistake. I apologise, I shouldn’t have assumed. Let me know if you guys need anything else.” And with that, she slinked off. Which was probably best considering the look Castiel was now giving Dean.

“I know there’s something wrong and I was trying to give you space but now you’re being rude to complete strangers. What is going on?” Castiel demanded in a harsh whisper as he rose from where they’d been seated.

Dean cringed internally at Castiel’s tone. Cas was one of the happiest, most cheerful people he’d ever met, Dean hated that he was the one who made him sound like that.

“It’s just, everyone seems to think we’re married, or at least together.” Dean tried to explain, looking up to Castiel from the couch.

Castiel interrupted before Dean could continue. “What do you mean ‘everyone’?” He questioned.

“Uh,” Dean stumbled. “While you were in the bathroom, this lady started talking to me and, well, she thought we were married.” Castiel just gave Dean a look that told him to elaborate. “Well, don’t you think it’s super crazy that people think we’re together? I mean come on, man.” Dean scoffed, trying to cover his nervous anticipation of Castiel’s answer. He really didn’t want to hear Castiel laugh off the idea of them dating but he also couldn’t face letting Castiel know his true feelings.

“Wow,” Castiel breathed, “is the idea of being with me really that awful?”

Wait. What?

Dean’s brain screeched to a halt. That was not where he was expecting Castiel to take this.

“I know I’m a little weird,” Castiel continued, “and people don’t always get me. But I thought you did.”

Dean couldn’t speak. He just stood there stunned with the way Castiel had responded.

Realising he wasn’t going to get a response from his friend, Castiel sighed and turned away from Dean. He turned back to give Dean a dejected look. “You can choose the furniture, whatever you want will be fine. I’m going home,” he said.

Castiel’s retreating back made Dean finally spring into action and he jumped to his feet. ‘Woah, Cas, wait a second.” He gripped the top of Castiel’s arm, forcing the other man to turn and face him. He was met with the saddest blue eyes Dean had ever seen.

Dean moved them into a more secluded area of the showroom, away from prying ears and eyes. They’d already been getting looks from some of their fellow customers.

“Where the hell did that come from, Cas?” Dean begged for an answer.

“It’s just been a long day, ignore me.” Castiel said as he tried to move past Dean. “Everyone else does,” he whispered.

But Dean stopped him with a hand to his chest. “Bullshit. What’s happening?”

Castiel locked his eyes and held Dean’s gaze with a completely defeated look. “What’s happening is that I’m in love with you.” He answered in an unaffected monotone. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I’m in love with you, so it hurts to hear you be so against even the notion of us being together.” He remained standing in place, just watching and waiting for Dean’s reaction.

Dean couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that this wasn’t a dream that he’d wake up from any second. He’d never let himself hope that Castiel would ever feel the same as he did.

“H-how long have you felt this way?” Dean stuttered.

“Since freshman year.” Castiel answered.

All this time Castiel had felt the same?

“Damnit, Cas.” Dean said with an exasperated tone, shaking his head in disbelief.

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Castiel cringed, screwing his face up at Dean’s words and he looked heartbroken once again. God, Dean hated it.

“It’s fine, Dean. I understand. I’ll leave and find somewhere else to live. I apologise for making things awkward between us.”

“Cas, you ain’t going anywhere.” Dean commanded as he moved to block Castiel’s path.

“Dean, just drop it.” Castiel said through gritted teeth, heartbreak being replaced with anger. He stepped around Dean to leave but Dean stopped him once again only this time it was with a simple light touch to his hand. He couldn’t let Castiel leave.

Dean couldn’t believe what a mess this had all turned into. His heart was all over the place. First, he was elated that Castiel felt the same but seeing the downtrodden look on his best friend’s face broke his heart too. He’d do anything not to see that expression again.

“Please, wait.” Dean whispered.

“Why, Dean? So I can stand here in the middle of Ikea and be rejected and humiliated?” Castiel bit out.

“No,” Dean said firmly, irritated at Castiel’s reluctance to hear him out, “so you can shut up and listen for one goddamn second.”

“Why should I?” Castiel demanded.

“Because I love you too, you moron!” Dean shouted. Though, he internally cringed at his choice of words. Castiel was in no way a moron. He was actually much smarter than Dean. But sometimes he got so wrapped up in himself that he couldn’t see what was right in front of him. (Though Dean was minutely aware of his own tendency to be like that too.)

Now it was Castiel’s turn to be shocked into a stunned silence. Dean took it as his cue to continue.

“You’re so constantly blinded by thinking badly about yourself because of what other people say that you couldn’t see that I’ve been here waiting for you all this time.” Dean explained.

“B-but you’ve been with other people.” Castiel stammers, eyes darting in confusion.

Fuck. Castiel would never believe Dean was interested in him too. He wasn’t like Dean, he didn’t believe in casual sex. He only wanted meaningful relationships. Knowing Dean had been with other people probably made Cas think it would never happen between them. God, he was the fucking moron.

Dean was quick to reassure Castiel of the truth. “Yeah, but they were only ever one night stands. When I was completely drunk and stupid. Why d’ya think I never brought anyone home for you to meet?” Dean asked.

Castiel looked bashfully down at his feet. “I suppose I thought you just didn’t want them to meet me. That I’d embarrass you or something.”

“Oh, man, Cas. What have we been doing?” Dean shook his head and finally let out a chuckle.

Castiel lifted his gaze to meet Dean’s eyes, a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Wasting time?”

Dean let out a happy bark of laughter and nodded before finally pulling his best friend into a long overdue kiss. They both smiled against each other’s lips, pleased to, at long last, be on the same page.

“Ahh! I knew it!” The two men were separated by the sound of Charlie’s voice. They turned away from each other to send her identical questioning looks. “The FÄRLÖV always works.” She explained and pointed a knowing finger at them both. “But, if you go back to try it again, you will have to buy it if you go any further in your shenanigans.”

Both men flushed red. “I think we’re just gonna go.” Dean said, slipping his hand into Castiel’s and walking him towards the exit. “But, thanks for your help.” He threw over his shoulder back to her as they rounded the corner.

Honestly, furniture shopping could wait. Right now they each had a ratty old bed waiting in their apartment and, frankly, that was all they needed.

They stopped at the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. Dean chanced a glance at Castiel and saw the beaming, shy smile across his best friend’s - boyfriend’s? - face. He knew then that he’d do anything to keep it there. Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand, letting him know that he felt the same way.

The elevator arrived and they stepped in, it was blissfully empty and Dean thought for a second that he might suggest that they carry on where they left off in their few seconds of privacy.

But, as the doors began to close a hand shot in to stop them closing. They opened to reveal the same lady from earlier with a man who must be the husband she talked about. Her eyes flashed with recognition when she saw Dean. He blushed at being caught holding Castiel’s hand less than an hour after he’d assured her they weren’t together. That they’d never be together.

After taking in their joined hands, the lady looked up and smiled brightly at Dean. “I see you got married in the last hour. Congratulations.” She smirked teasingly, triumphant that she had been right earlier. Dean just murmured a small ‘thank you’ while Castiel and the woman’s husband gave each other confused looks.

The rest of the short journey to the ground floor was completed in silence.

Dean knew they’d reached the bottom when he felt the soft thud of the carrier settling on the ground.

As the doors opened and Castiel gestured for the woman and her husband to go ahead of them, the woman turned back to Dean with an amused glint in her eye. “Just be careful not to get divorced when it comes to putting together your new furniture.”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that. There was no chance of that happening. No matter what, he had Castiel now and there was no way he was ever letting him go.

A/N: I really love this one so I hope you did too!

TAGS: @eccentriccas @starrynightdeancas @credentiast @imbiowaresbitch @starclaire @cockleslovesdestiel @bend-me-shape-me @destielfactory @dea-stiel @wendeano @wingsandimpalas @aggressivedean @flowersforcas @chill-legilimens @pancakesofthelord @caslikescoffeeandfreckles @assbuttboyfriends @breathingdestiel @simplymisha @thekingslover @aelysianmuse @2musiclover2 @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @50shadesofsubtext @destielle @carryoncastiel @winchester-novak @angelwithashotguun @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @chaoticdean @jensenacklesruinedmylife @huckleberryhusbands

(added a few people, let me know if you want to be removed - or if you enjoyed and want to be added, also let me know)

#destiel #destiel fic #destielfanficnet #dean winchester #castiel #myfic #fluff #angst #au #first kiss #hurtcomfort #3k #collegeau #roommates #friends to lovers #minor:charlie

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official-wayward-noctis · 3 years

Text

I’ll Never Be Out of Reach

Dean is dying as he sends up a final prayer to an angel who has always been there for him.

For @cassiecasyl

Read on ao3 here

Dean was hurting really badly. He could feel that he wasn’t going to make it. Sam was telling him that he was but he knew it was okay. Cas was gone and there was nothing he could do but let himself leave this world and move on. It was time. He didn’t have Cas anymore so what else was he supposed to do. When he first felt the pain he had prayed to Cas as if Cas would be able to answer his prayer. As if he would find him there. He remembered the time Cas was there and did help him after he got hurt and the first thing he did was call out to Cas in his mind. Praying for him to show up and save him again…

It was a time when they were fighting when Cas had to save him. He had told Cas he didn’t want to see him but Dean had been in a bad fight. Sam was preoccupied and Dean just needed a hunt so he went out and found a vampire nest. He had taken them all and after killing the last one he got hurt. It was really stupid way to get hurt really. He had tripped and cut up his left pretty bad. He had called out for Sam before realizing Sam wasn’t there. He even prayed to Cas but Cas was still mad at him so Dean knew he wasn’t coming. Why would he come? It’s not like he cared about Dean. He had gotten to the impala and couldn’t find a first aid kit so he sat there in pain until he wasn’t. He turned to see an upset Cas looking at him.

“Cas,” Dean said.

“You called,” was all Cas said. Neither talked about the elephant in the room. What they had been fighting about before all of this happened.

“Do you think we can forget about it?” Dean asked Cas. His leg might have been better but he still could feel the cold and distances from Cas. Cas who didn’t push him away. Cas was always there for him.

“Dean, it was just an accident like you said. We were in the moment,” Cas said quoting Dean. Dean knew they had not just been in the moment. He knew the truth behind it but he didn’t say anything as he laid his head on Cas’s lap as he fell asleep. He was tired and he had been arguing with Cas and now everything was okay, but it wasn’t okay. He was not okay…

That’s why that night that Cas confessed he loved him. Dean knew he was losing someone he loved so much. He didn’t want to lose Cas. He lost Cas before he could even tell him how he felt. So now standing there breathing his last breaths, he let Sam know how proud of him he was. He prayed to Cas as well. Letting him know how much he loved him. How much he cared. Dean closed his eyes knowing he was going to be gone and Sam would be alone, but Sam had the dog. He had people who would support him. He wouldn’t be alone for long…

Dean blinked open his eyes to Cas sitting in a chair next to him asleep. A surprising sight to say the least. Jack was near Claire and Kaia who all were playing a game together on their phones. Jody and Sam were talking quietly. Dean was confused until Jack looked up and smiled.

“Dean’s awake,” Jack told the group. Everyone looked at Dean beside Cas who was still fast asleep next to Dean. They all seemed concerned about him. His back hurt and he was sore but now he was wondering if he had some weird dream or was caught by some creature that made him see his worst nightmares.

“How about we let Dean rest?” Jody suggests as she shooed the three kids out of the room. They all left as Jody asked how he was doing.

“I’m fine,” Dean said. “What happened?”

“You almost died. If it wasn’t for Cas, you might not be here today,” Sam told him. Dean seemed surprised. Cas had saved his life. Again. He looked at Sam before he looked at Jody.

“Jack said Cas was told he couldn’t interfere but he did anyway because it was you,” Jody told him. “You got a good one there, Dean.”

“I guess I do,” Dean said before the two left as Dean looked at the still sleeping Cas. That should have been the first thing he noticed. Cas didn’t sleep. He was an angel. Jack had mentioned Cas wasn’t supposed to interfere. Dean didn’t know what to say to that as he heard a voice.

“Dean,” Cas was now awake.

“Cas,” Dean said.

“You had bad timing. Worse than the time you kissed me accidentally,” Cas told him.

“I thought we said we wouldn’t mention that,” Dean reminded him, but he knew he was smiling.

“You know almost getting nailed to death is really low. I would have said that was Chuck’s writing but we both know it wasn’t,” Cas told him. Dean knew that he was right. That would be something Chuck would have done to mock the Winchester brothers. Dean realized it hadn’t been a nightmare. Cas must have gone to the empty.

“How?” Dean asked.

“Jack, the empty, and the new death all got together to make things a bit better. Gabriel was realized as well but I think he is back on earth causing mischief. Raphael and Jack seem to get along and agree angels aren’t allowed to interfere,” Cas explained.

“So you lost your wings,” Dean said.

“I guess when you save someone you love then you lose your wings,” Cas pointed out. “Now you have to refrain from doing anything stupid.

“It was an accident,” Dean pointed out. “Actually, the vampire is the one that shoved me on the nail in the first place.”

“You were about to accept death,” Cas reminded him.

“Had nothing to live for. That kinda just changed though,” Dean went to move but groaned in pain. Cas rolled his eyes before kissing Dean’s forehead.

“How about you get better than we will talk about this more?” Cas said. “Someone is going to have to show me how to be human again.” Dean nodded as he started to fall back to sleep. Cas grabbed his hand and held it as Dean felt a smile on his face as he fell asleep as Cas whispered something to him in Spanish.

#DEANCAS #dean winchester #castiel #Destiel #rewrite of 15x20 technically

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smol-and-grumpy · 4 years

Text

Something Just Like This - CH36

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester, mobster boss. He’s a little cocky, a lot ruthless and more often than not, short tempered. But he’s also, Dean Winchester, a war veteran and hero who suffers under a shit ton of PTS. He met her in a bar and thinks it’s fate that brought her to him. Little does he know why she’s really here.

Warnings: Fluff, a dash of angst

WC: 3386

SERIES MASTERLIST

Dean never thought they could talk things out in such a short time. He thought it might take days but all it took was some cuddles and a warm bath. He should have known though, because Y/N ticks the same way he does. She’s simple, says what’s on her mind, asks the hard questions even if she doesn’t really want to know the answer.

She’s shaking as he dries her off and carries her to the bed to help her dress in a fresh pair of pj pants, a shirt and one of his oversized sweater before he tucks her in. He threw a shirt over his own head, wears some fresh underwear and walks out to get her pills. He comes in, asks if she’s hungry but she wasn’t. It’s still a couple of hours until dinner time anyway. He slips into bed with her after, can’t really spoon her because of her ankle but he gets as close as possible, lays his head on her good shoulder and noses at her neck.

He breathes in her scent and whispers, “You smell good again.”

Y/N laughs at that, “Thanks?”

He has to laugh too because he didn’t mean for it to come out like it did. “No, I mean, you smell like you again. I missed that.”

She has her hand in his hair, scratches his head and he can hear her steady heartbeat.

“There’s something I want you to see.” He says, rolls on the bed and gets his phone off the charger, hands it to her wordlessly.

She takes it, a frown on her face.

“Look at it.” He urges her and she pushes at the button, making the phone light up in the dark.

It’s still the picture of her and Cuddles on his home screen.

“Dean,” She whispers, “I—”

“0502” He says simply and she looks at him perplexed, frowns when she realizes what the numbers are for.

She thumbs over the digits, punches in the code and when she unlocks it, she sees a picture of her which he once took while she was still sleeping. Hair a mess, mouth open. He thinks it’s cute but she wouldn’t agree. She doesn’t say anything though.

“Open my call activities.” He whispers and she does, opens it and looks through it, he doesn’t have a lot of callers on there, so it’s not hard to see that there are 3,212 calls he made to her old number.

Y/N has tears in her eyes and Dean brushes his thumb against her cheek before he goes on. He’s not going to stop now, wants to get it over with because he wants her to know.

“Look at my messages.”

She thumbs around on his phone, and opens the texting app. Her hands fly to her mouth, covering it.

He nuzzles his nose against her shoulder as she looks through it. There are messages he sent to her old number, and it starts from the moment she walked out. She can’t possibly go through them all because the last one was only sent three days ago. He never stopped texting her, if sometimes only for him to say hi and that he’s missing her.

She opens her mouth, “I’m—”

“—it’s okay.” He interrupts her.

He’s told her everything she wanted to know. Everything he thought was important anyway. And everything he told her was the truth either. He wished he knew about the FBI thing sooner though, but what good would that have been? If he could go back, he wouldn’t have changed a thing. Would still have loved her. Would have wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Dean takes his phone from her hands and moves up a little, lays his head next to hers on the pillow instead, rests his forehead on her temple. “Are you staying?” His heart is beating fast as he asks the question, and is kind of prepared if she’d say no, although it would kill him but he’s not the one who wouldn’t let her go if that’s what she really wants.

“If you want me to?” She asks, and it’s like music to his ears.

“Yeah,” He smiles, “I’d like that.”

***

Dean’s in the living room making breakfast when Sam knocks at his door.

Dean let’s Sam in and immediately Sam senses that something’s different, because he grins so fucking idiotic and it makes Dean nauseous. That big ass sasquatch always knows when something’s up.

“How did your night go, huh? Wink wink nudge nudge.”

“Sammy, stop being so fucking creepy.”

“I see a pair of women's shoes at the door that’s obviously not your size, Dean, of course I have to be creepy!”

Sam walks in further and takes the cup of coffee out of Dean’s hand before he steals a strip of bacon from a plate. “You’re making breakfast for two, too! Guess she performed really well, that you let her stay.”

“Sam,” Dean growls, it’s a warning.

“I hope you used protection.” Sam’s taking another mouthful of bacon and washes it down with the coffee, “I don’t think you shouldn’t let people sue you for child support.”

“Sammy!” Dean didn’t mean to be so loud, placing his fingers to his lips as a way to warn himself. And then, softer, he says, “Y/N’s here.”

“What?” Sam shouts.

“You’re being loud!” Dean hisses.

“Sorry, okay,” Sam says and then he hisses too, “What? Where did you find her?”

“She was in a car accident. Messed up her ankle real bad. Long story short—”

“—Too late.”

“Oh, haha — shut up.” Dean mocks grumpily and goes on, “I was still her emergency contact on her phone and that leads us here.”

“Okay, fine, she’s here but have you talked it through? I hate to see you sad again, man.”

Dean smirks, “Don’t worry we talked plenty. She explained everything and I had my closure. I feel good. Haven’t felt this good in what?”

“A year.” Sam says drily.

“Yeah. She needs a lawyer to sue that son of a bitch who crashed into her car. You in?”

“Sure, send me the details because I gotta go now,” Sam knocks at the counter twice, “Was only on the way to the office, wanted to see how you’re doing. Is Y/N staying?”

“I think so, why?”

“Bring her around for dinner?”

Dean grins, “Sure.”

“Oh, that Lambo? Yours?”

“Cas. You wanna drive it?” Dean lifts his eyebrows in question.

Sam’s sending him a bitchface. “Nah, my dick’s way too big.”

***

A couple of days later, Dean got Sergei to check up on Y/N. The doctor still lives in one of his apartments, even though he too, got more money than he probably will need in his life. But Sergei’s always been a one weird creature of habit, maybe that’s why he didn’t want to move. And maybe it’s also because Dean lets him live here rent free. It’s the least he can do since Sergei helped save Y/N’s life.

She’s doing much better and they can now lower her pain meds intake. Which probably also means that she’s gonna be awake more and Dean considers that a win. It’s still going to be a little over five weeks until she can take her cast off, though.

Y/N’s workplace had called in to lay her off. She was a little sad about that. It’s not really like she needed the money because Dean has plenty. He could give her half and would still have more than enough left to last him a whole lifetime. He thinks it’s more because she really likes to work, likes to have a purpose in life and he gets that. He tried to cheer her up, telling her that if she wants, she can pick up drawing again and he can fund her own art gallery. His idea wasn’t well received. And by mentioning the art, she suddenly remembers the drawing she left on her bedside table and asked him where it was. He said it’s in a safe place because he doesn’t want to tell her yet, but the truth is, that he framed it and took it to the new house, hung it up right at the entrance so every time he would go in there, he’d see and be reminded what he’s doing it for. Never actually gave up on the idea of finding her again one day and showing her the house, even if at that time he wouldn’t be in the picture of her new future anymore.

One day, he’d tell her. But it’s still too early now.

Cas came by last night to exchange his Baby against the hideous Lamborghini. Thank fucking god because Dean was starting to feel very awkward driving a Lambo around town to do the simplest of things. Cas had asked to see Y/N but she was already sleeping. He promised to take her around once she’s better. Maybe Dean should start to make a list of all the people who want to see Y/N to keep track and not to miss anyone.

Gabe called too, Sam had been talking, like the gossip girl he is, and Gabe is overly excited that she’s found. Gabe was the one who helped Dean search for her because he hated to see Dean in the state he was in. He said to Dean that it’s worse than after the time their camp had been destroyed in Afghanistan. Dean owes Gabe a lot and Gabe’s also the only one who still lives nearby. He never needed much and only took enough money from Dean to tie him over until he can find another job. More than money, Gabe needs distraction, he once told Dean. He doesn’t need money because money would bring him back to the habit that he wants to shake off. So, now, if Dean needs anything, he’ll contact Gabe. Gabe actually insists on it.

Y/N comes out of the bedroom, wearing one of his shirts. Dean doesn’t know why she raids his side of the closet when she has enough clothes herself. But he doesn’t really mind. She’s wearing a skirt because it’s easier to get it over the cast. Dean absolutely hates how cute she looks with the oversized shirt and the frilly skirt. Hates it because it makes him want her in a way he doesn’t allow himself to want her. Not yet.

“I’m ready.”

“Good.” Dean says and it came out grumpy but he’s really not. It’s just that her outfit does things to him and he absolutely hates that he likes it.

He takes the key and gives her a hand to walk to the door. She clutches one crutch on the other side.

“Jesus, this will take forever.” He mutters under his breath and sweeps her off her feel, carries her over his shoulder while she’s holding the crutch.

“Dean!”

“I’m sorry, it’s just, I’d like to get back by tonight and not still be here by then.”

She’s still over his shoulder when they get into the elevator and he sees their reflection in the mirror. He has his hand on her thigh and her skirt almost rides up to her ass. He turns his gaze down, doesn’t look. He carries her over to his car and they get in.

They’re driving to her apartment, moving things back to his place. Because it’s final. She’s staying. She really fucking stays.

Yesterday morning when he brought her a coffee to bed she looked at him and just smiled. Nothing else, just a smile. And her smile lasted an awful long while until he had to ask what’s wrong.

“I’m staying.” She said. Nothing less, nothing more. But it’s enough for him to sit down and kiss her. He wanted to ask if she really meant it. If she really thought it through because if she stays this time, there’s no running away and he had made it clear that he’s not letting her go anyway. He didn’t ask though, didn’t feel the need to because he’s sure that she knows.

She lived in a rundown building. It's a studio apartment and it’s nothing like her last one. The staircase smells of piss and he’s sure that he saw some kids selling drugs at the corner of the street. It’s surely not a nice neighborhood. Her apartment is small, cozy and it’s a stark contrast to the outside world around the building. Still, it makes Dean mad. He’s angry that she had to live here for so long without him knowing. But he guesses that if the circumstances would have been different, if Dean would have come knocking, she wouldn’t have wanted to come home with him anyway.

Sometimes, things need time to fall into place and letting her come back on her own might have been the best for the both of them.

He brought a big duffel because she said that there’s not a lot to take back anyway. There’s notebooks where she keeps her drawings. Some books, a laptop. She packs only the clothes she really likes and that’s it. It doesn’t even fill the whole duffel he brought with him. Gabe is going to come around to clear and throw things out sometimes later in the week.

Dean carries her and the duffel down the stairs, breathes relief that his Baby was still standing and waiting for him at the curb where he left her.

She rolls her eyes when she sees him talking to the car, telling Baby how happy he was to see her still here and ready to roll.

“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad around here.”

“Yeah, right. I saw someone exchanging his own grandma for drugs. It’s clearly not that bad.” Dean snorts and tells her to get in.

They get home in time for dinner and pills. It’s only one pill now and it doesn’t make her mind as foggy as the ones before. She can even stay around and watch TV with him. He has his legs propped up on the coffee table, she’s leaning into him on the side and he wraps his arm around her.

It’s easy, Dean thinks. He welcomes the good feeling back into his heart.

One step at a time.

She falls asleep against him, so Dean scoops her up and walks her to the bed. He tucks her in and slips in next to her. And he’s able to spoon her now, her ankle isn’t hurting as much anymore. He breathes in, the familiar scent makes him light headed.

“Thank you.” She whispers.

“You’re welcome?” He replies but doesn’t really know for what. Not that it matters.

She chuckles at that and Dean listens as her breathing evens out.

***

They’re almost at half time now and the skin underneath her cast starts to itch. She’s on the couch drawing when Dean walks in after he went out for errands. He looks over to see her poking around inside of her cast with a pencil.

“Stop that!” He shouts with his boss voice. It’s low and loud and she jumps up, almost dropping the pencil into the cast.

“It itches!” She whines and fucking pouts at him.

Dean unpacks the groceries, “I know but you’re gonna make it worse.”

Y/N lets out a frustrating groan and lets herself fall back on the sofa, her back hitting the leather with a thud. “This is ridiculous! This stupid cast is driving me nuts!”

“You’re driving me nuts!” Dean’s laughing. It’s easy how quick things progress with the two of them. How quickly they become comfortable with each other again. As if there was not a whole fucking year which separated them. He really missed that. Miss the silly arguments, the petty fights, miss someone who understands his humor.

He pulls out a container of ice cream he just bought, gets out a spoon and walks over to where she's lying with her arm thrown dramatically over her face.

Dean sits down, digs into the ice cream — chocolate chip cookie dough, because it’s the one they both like and can compromise on. He’d rather have anything with peanut butter in it and she’s more of a coconut girl — and holds out a spoonful of ice cream out, waves it in front of her face. She still doesn’t see anything because of her arm.

“Y/N, come on, open your mouth.”

She doesn’t stir, “This better not be your dick, Dean, I’m angry.”

“What’s wrong with my dick?”

“It just doesn’t really make me feel better.”

Dean frowns and shoves the spoon into his own mouth, smacks his lips loudly as he eats it. “You contradict yourself because you used to say, and I quote, your dick always makes me feel so good.”

He actually wouldn’t know if it would still make her feel good because they haven’t done anything yet since she’s back. Just little kisses here and there and a lot of cuddling. Dean’s quite okay with that but it’s fucking hard to really stay away and he anticipates the day the cast will be off because maybe then she’ll be in the mood. He waited one year, what’s a couple of weeks longer, really. He just knows that it’ll be worth it and besides, he enjoys the thing they have as it is. It’s not just about sex, he once told Sam, and it’s still true.

She opens her eyes when Dean takes another spoonful. “What are you? Oh my god I want ice cream!” She sits up, and moves closer, pushing her head through his arm that’s holding the container, so she basically headlocks herself.

“What? I just told you to open your mouth but you didn’t want to.”

“Please?”

“Yeah, beg for it.” Dean smirks, digs into the container, scoops up a spoonful.

She pouts then and it’s not fair that it still manages to make him weak. He feeds her the ice cream and she smirks around the spoon.

They’re sitting and eating together when she suddenly asks, “Can I ask you something? I need advice from a friend.”

He smiles because he likes that. “Sure.”

“So, you remember my ex-boyfriend?” She starts and the mention of the word ex hits him.

“Yeah, faintly.” He plays along.

“Yeah, do you think if I would try to get together with him again it would work out?”

Dean’s heart is racing stupidly fast. “I don’t know. Do you wanna?”

“I kind of do.”

“Does he want to?”

“I think so. He’s been taking care of me since my accident.”

Dean takes a spoonful of ice cream, an attempt to cool down his face. “Do you still love him?”

“I do.” It comes out fast. She didn’t even have to think about it.

Okay, now his heart is doing the weird flip thing.

And then she adds, “I just don’t know if he still loves me like he used to. Or if he’ll be able to love me like that again. He’s been a great friend the last couple of weeks, though. I just don’t really know where we stand yet. I wanna try it again. Maybe if we try we could make it work? Taking one day at a time?”

Dean sets the ice cream down, pulls her against his chest, he’s sure she can feel how fast his heart is beating but he doesn’t even care.

He kisses the top of her head, “Baby, I never stopped loving you. I would love you in any shape, any form, with any past and present, never doubt that.”

It’s the first time he dares to say baby in front of her so she’d hear it, didn’t feel like it’s his place when they still haven’t figured out what’s next. But being able to say it again feels good. It actually feels great. Like it’s a word only fitting for her, apart from his car, obviously.

She cries into his chest, and it’s good, apart from the crying of course. It’s good to feel her close again. It’s good to be able to work towards what they were. It’s good to work towards what they will be.

CH37

#something just like this #dean winchester #dean winchester fic #dean winchester x you #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fan fic #dean winchester fan fiction #dean x reader #dean x you #nathalie writes

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