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tryingsomethingoutidkyet · 3 years

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Ham Hocks: 100 follower celebration

Ok so I may have accidentally found some writing inspiration . It is currently 4am and the smoke is clearing out of my house. Let’s see if this turns out well.

WORDS: 1.4k

Warnings: Fire (not really, but almost)

Pro hero! Sero x College!Reader

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Let’s get one thing clear, you can cook, you can. It’s just that you were tired. Which is justified. You had been working for the past two weeks non-stop on a project for your college class that you’re more than willing to admit you invested an unhealthy amount of time into completing, so much so that you hardly had a break.

It’s not that you didn’t want to take a break either, in fact, you thought you’d be done by now. And you would’ve been if your project partner actually did his half of the work instead of lying to you about how much he was getting done every time you checked in with him, only for him to tell you the week before the project was due that he hadn’t actually gotten anything done besides putting his name on it and yes, it was too late to switch partners. Which is how you got stuck gathering weeks of research, siting sources and linking articles into a few days of effort in order to get a passing grade.

It was about 12am and you had just finished the final page of your work, thankfully having gotten both halves of the project done without any other issues. You even had time to attach a detailed note to your professor about who did what exactly. Yes it was petty, but you did everything yourself and you refuse to allow the very reason you had been up for the past few days, surviving on an aggressive amount of coffee and maybe 8 hours of sleep total to get the same grade as you.

After completing your project you find yourself suddenly aware of all the needs you’ve deprived yourself of for the past few days. You were hungry and tired and you just wanted to take a shower that was longer than 5 minutes. So that’s what you set out to do.

After completing your project, you find yourself suddenly aware of all the needs you’ve deprived yourself of for the past few days. You were hungry and tired, and you just wanted to take a shower that was longer than 5 minutes. So that’s what you set out to do.

It didn’t work out that way

You had scoured your kitchen for a quick meal and unfortunately came up with nothing. Dealing with the project kept you so busy you guess you forgot to buy food. The only thing you had in your freezer was a pack of fatass ham hocks and those take forever to get done. You contemplated sleep for dinner tonight before finally deciding to put them on the stove. “I’ll just sleep in tomorrow.” You reassured yourself as you headed to the shower.

Coming back from your shower at about 1am, you sat on your bed turned on the tv to distract yourself while you wait. There was nothing on considering how late it was, so you decided to leave it on the news.

Now onto some exciting hero news. Pro hero Cellophane was seen today taking down a pretty big villain…

“At least I’ll stay up for this.” You say to yourself as you adjust on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. You had been a Cellophane fan for a while so seeing him finally getting recognition for all his hard work was pretty exciting.

The anchor lady continued to talk about the rising star pro-hero and his defeat of some creepy villain that looked like a science project gone wrong.

You weren’t really paying attention to the news anchor as she spoke, preferring to focus your attention onto the footage that played in the background of your favorite hero.

Honestly, you don’t even know how you became a fan. It’s not like you were always big on heroes. You couldn’t name more than a few but somehow, the human tape dispenser had caught your attention from the very start of his career. He always seemed to go out of his way to help civilians, no matter how small their troubles may have been. Which should be normal for a hero but seeing as how the pro hero Screamy Mc Anger Face is sitting at #2 on the hero charts, you really held an appreciation for Cellophane.

It also didn’t hurt that over the years of you being a fan, this man has gotten more and more attractive. He had gotten taller, and now according to the tape man himself, was sitting at a good 6’2. His jaw had become more shaped and his form had filled out a little as well thanks to his years in the hero business. He had let his hair grow out a little more and seemed to mainly keep it in a ponytail for his hero work. He was truly the most attractive man you’ve ever seen.

You were so caught up in your thoughts of Sero you hadn’t even noticed you were falling asleep.

You didn’t get much time to rest, however as you were being pulled out of your slumber by someone roughly shaking you. Your eyes shot open and met with a set of deep brown pupils that seemed so familiar although you didn’t quite know why. Allowing your vision to adjust, you see that they belong to someone you’d found yourself admiring for a while. “Oh, I must be dreaming.” You say to yourself as you roll over, fully intending to get the most out of whatever this was you were being blessed with. You loved when god blessed your dreams, at least you thought it was a dream.

Only until you felt yourself being lifted into some pretty solid arms. “Ok definitely not a dream, y/n.” Your eyes shot open once again, very much awake this time. The Sero Hanta was carrying you. But why? You were trying to wrap your head around the situation, but it was hard to focus. There was a loud screeching that had filled your head and you couldn’t see much further than Sero’s head due to the thick smoke in the house. That was when it clicked: My ham hocks

Before you knew it, you were out of your apartment complex and being placed feet first onto the cold ground. After a quick look to see you weren’t physically injured, he began to speak.” It doesn’t look like anything more than smoke; I checked the whole house.” He stated before gesturing toward your smoking apartment. “I’m going back inside to open the windows and turn off the alarm; wait here.” He walked off into your apartment. Sero Hanta was just standing in front of you. Sero Hanta was just carrying you. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

When he came back, he was holding a few of your items in hand. “It looks like you’re just gonna have to wait it out, so I got you a few things from inside; I hope you don’t mind.” He says handing you one of your jackets, a pair of fuzzy slippers and your phone. “Thanks.” You say, slipping on the items before focusing your attention on him. He was so much hotter in person. How is that possible?

“So… how’d you get in my house?” He looked surprised. “Oh, wow that sounded rude, I’m sorry.” You say nervously “It’s just that as attractive as you are, I’d rather not have a stalker. Wait that’s not what I meant- “he cut you off with a chuckle. “No, it’s fine. I guess I just wasn’t really expecting that question. I was coming back from patrol and I saw smoke coming from over there.” He says gesturing toward your open kitchen window. “So, I climbed through. Thankfully, your room door was closed so no smoke was able to get in. You’re a pretty heavy sleeper, by the way.”

“Yeah, not really” you sheepishly reply, “I had a big project for class that kept me up for a while, so I guess my body just kinda went into a coma.” You were less nervous now “Honestly I’m surprised my neighbors didn’t hear all the noise.” Despite everything that happened, they hadn’t made a peep. “Well, it is 3am. At this point they’re probably all dead to the world.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize it was so late” You say, checking your phone. “You probably want to get home, so I won’t keep you.” You had felt guilty. He spent today battling villains and now he couldn’t go home because somebody couldn’t stay awake long enough to keep their sad meal from turning into an almost house fire.

Sero didn’t seem to mind standing there with you at all, however. “No, it’s fine.” he reassured, “I really don’t mind. Besides, you’re pretty attractive yourself.” Wait-

He grins and continues “ Also, I was hoping that while I was getting your number, you could tell me what it was you were cooking in that pot, because I couldn’t figure it out.

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Thank you for 100+ followers!!! idk why y’all are here but you are and I appreciate it.

#sero hanta #sero x reader #sero x y/n #sero simps hmu #pro hero sero #really this is just a story of how I almost died but with Sero

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justanotherfanfic · 5 years

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Love on Me

summary: reader had an incident at steve’s birthday party and it takes an emotional toll on her for the night and the next day. the team notices and warns your dad. tony needs to do whatever it takes to make his daughter feel beautiful in her own body...

warnings: body shaming, anxiety, depression, slight eating problem

pairing: tony stark x plus size!teen!daughter!reader

word count: 3.8k+

a/n: this was requested! it’s currently 1am and i finally finished it! i’m so sorry i took so long, i just wanted to be sure that it would come out perfect! i was so excited to write this so i’m sorry if this is too long! as a 19-year-old plus size girl, i found this to be really personal. i have grown up with insecurities and self-doubt. this is a mini-lesson in itself that you need to love yourself. yes, you will have days where you hate your body and yourself, but if you truly think about it... everyone has different shapes and sizes, that’s what makes us all different and beautiful! please only positive words and feedback. i hope this is what you were hoping for!

requested by: @lilacprincessofrecovery - hi, i was wondering if you could make a dad!tony x teen chubby!daughter reader. ihavent seen anything like it and I would love to see how he would be able to help her like herself more

GROWING UP AS a Stark has its ups and downs. Not only are you one of the richest figures, but you are constantly surrounded by the pressure of the media. You were not like the other girls, the ones who can pass as supermodels. Your body was different than most girls and it caused the attention of the public. Magazine covers are always on the lookout for you and your body figure. Every little outfit was met with nasty remarks. Appearances were always met with backlash. No matter how hard you tried, the media always had something negative to say about you and your weight. It has taken an emotional toll on you the way you look at yourself.

You were always told by your father how ridiculous the media was. He would always explain their technique of mentally breaking top tier celebrities. He would tell you stories about how badly he was viewed by the public because of how the media portrayed him to be. Tony was either a playboy, dead man, idiot, criminal, or a reckless hero. It was always hard for you, you were the type who wanted to please everyone. It wasn't your fault that your body was different, you just had to deal with the overwhelming negativity from the public. Because of this, your dad and the team would constantly try to distract you from it.

You were currently flipping through the Chemistry textbook Peter let you borrow to work on the extra credit assignment given the day before. You sighed as you stared at all the formulas and equations that covered the pages. You munched on a few strawberries as your eyes wandered around the book while you took notes. You had FRIDAY play some music to help you concentrate on your study session. You hummed to the music when your dad came into the room with droopy eyes.

"Hey sweetcheeks," Your dad greeted in attempt to hide his tiredness.

"What time?" You responded as you copied an equation onto your notes. You knew by the way his eyes looked and how slow his movements were that he probably didn't sleep, and if he did, it was probably really late.

Tony sighed, "5am."

You looked up at him and gave him a look, "That's the third time this week, dad."

He shrugged, "It's growing on me."

"Daaaddddd...." You dragged on.

He chuckled as he walked up to you. He kissed your forehead before going to make some coffee, "For you, I'll go to sleep at 4am."

"8pm..." You countered as you took a bite of another strawberry.

"2am." He called back as he pressed a few buttons on the coffee machine.

You scoffed, "11pm!"

"12am."

"Deal!" You laughed as you rolled your eyes playfully.

"It's not my fault Banner discovered a new element!" Tony defended.

You groaned, "Great! Another element to study for this assignment."

Your dad laughed to himself as he grabbed a mug from the cupboard. He swiftly moved around the kitchen as he started to heat up some leftovers from the night before - Clint's famous spaghetti. It was silent for a moment, the only thing being heard was the music playing from FRIDAY's system. "We're having a party for Rogers tomorrow," Your dad spoke as he poured the hot liquid into his mug that plastered Best Iron Dad.

You nodded as you focused on your assignment. You were highlighting a few definitions before the book was closed shut by your dad. You looked up with an annoyed expression.

"That means you need to wear a nice dress... not some jeans and a nice shirt." He raised his eyebrow referring to how you often dress casually. "Do you want me to get Romanoff or Maximoff to take you shopping?"

You shook your head, "I'm sure I have something in my room already."

He simply nodded before walking off with his coffee on one hand and the spaghetti on the other.

"A dress!" He called again before completely disappearing from the room.

You sighed as you opened your textbook to continue with your assignment. Unfortunately, you couldn't concentrate. Your mind began rambling about Steve's party tomorrow. You groaned and slammed your textbook shut. You were never fond of wearing dresses, it was pretty much out of your comfort zone. You decided to cut your study session short and went to your room to find something to wear tomorrow night.

It was now Saturday night. You were on your residential floor getting ready as you felt the tower vibrating from the booming music only a few floors down. You found a beautiful burgundy dress that fit perfectly to your upper body and breasts. Spaghetti straps hugged your shoulders and exposed back, enough to leave it fitted comfortably. The dress loosely flowed down your legs where high slits were on each side of your legs that allowed your dress to flow beautifully around you. You danced along to the music in your room as you finished getting ready. You laughed to yourself knowing Tony would make fun on how ridiculous your dancing skills were.

"Miss Stark, your father is notifying you that the party has begun," FRIDAY's voice rings in the room. You smiled at her voice as you adjusted your dress. "Would you like me to notify him of an estimated time of arrival?"

"Yes," You confirmed. "I'll be down in about five minutes."

"Got it," FRIDAY responded as you cleaned the mess you made while getting ready.

Before you left your room you decided to take a look at yourself. You walked over to the body mirror that was hung on the door of your bedroom. You stopped what you were doing and stared in amazement. You felt your heart racing as you stared at the figure in front of you. Your face brightened, you felt beautiful. The dress complemented your body well and you felt your mood brighten up. You sprayed yourself with one of your fancier perfumes before you headed out your room and into the elevator.

Once the elevator brought you to the floor of the party, you felt the energy of many high-class guests. You thought that the party would have been more casual, but your dad insisted on giving Steve a formal party. You began walking deeper into the crowd of strangers, hoping to find an Avenger. After a while, you finally found your dad.

"You look gorgeous sweetheart," Your dad smiled before pulling you into a hug. You gave a small smile as you took in the smell of his more expensive colognes. He pulled away and took another look at you. "This is the exact reason why you need to be wearing dresses more often. You look beautiful."

You smiled and rubbed your arm, "I'm going to go get some lemonade. Want anything?"

Tony shook his head and gestured to the alcoholic beverage in his hand. You smiled at him before making your way to the bar. You sighed as you noticed everyone staring at you. You couldn't tell if it was judgmental or not. You finally made it to the bar and took a seat on the stool. Your eyes wandered around the list of beverages that were offered.

"Who let [Y/N] Stark come looking like a mess?" A voice whispered behind you. You felt your heart sting at the remark but decided to ignore it.

You smiled at the bartender, "Lemonade, please."

"Shocker," Another voice spoke behind you. "Try some water, it might help with your weight."

You didn't turn around. You knew if you did you would breakdown. Instead, your head fell down as you fidgeted with your fingers. You knew you should've never gone out of your comfort zone. You felt tears pooling around your eyes as your mind rambled on different ways to leave the party without anyone noticing. The bartender slid the glass over to you as you smiled weakly at them.

A hand was suddenly on your shoulder. You flinched before looking up at a smiling Peter Parker. His smile fell seeing your puffy, red eyes. "[Y/N] are you okay?" Peter questioned in concern.

You sniffed and quickly wiped your tears before putting a smile on your face, "As perfect as I can ever be. What's up, Parker?"

Peter observed you for a moment but decided not to comment. He plastered a smile on his face and took a sip from his cup. The music vibrated around the two of you as he explained his new invention for the suit and how excited he was to talk to your dad about it. You laughed while taking sips of your lemonade. You almost forgot about the remarks until you were shoved by someone behind you. You stumbled a bit before you regained your balance with the help of Peter. You looked behind you to see a slim, fit girl glaring at you, "Watch where you're standing fatass!"

You were taken back by the remark as you felt your smile drop. She scoffed before walking away to her group of friends. You felt Peter tense up and begin taking steps over to the group of friends before you stopped him.

You shook your head, "It's not worth it Pete."

He felt hurt at your words, "They can't be speaking to you that way. It's not right!"

You gave a humorless laugh, "Peter I've been called worse."

Peter frowned at you. You sighed and looked at the time on your phone, the bright light reflecting off of your facial features, "I- I'm going to head out. I don't feel so great." You lied; Peter knew this and it made him more upset than before. "I think it was the lemonade."

"[Y/N] please..." Peter pleaded as he held onto your hand. "C'mon, I think Thor is on his third magic alcohol now. Maybe we can get him to lend us his hammer for the night." Peter tried to change the topic in hopes to make you feel better.

You slowly pulled your hand away as you began walking away, "If my dad asks, tell him I felt sick."

You turned around and started walking out of the party as many people were staring at you with a judgmental look. You felt your breath shake with every step you took. You walked into the elevator and watch it close as Peter was looking at you from afar. You felt a tear fall down as you pressed the button that would take you to your residential floor.

Once you made it to your floor, you went straight to your room and threw yourself onto your bed and let all your bottled up emotions out. You felt like you were crying in your bed for hours. You were tired of all the backlash you were receiving. No matter how hard you tried, you were never going to win. You genuinely thought you looked beautiful, but apparently, you weren't. You continued crying until you drifted off to sleep.

It was the next day, you woke up and felt exhausted. You almost forgot about the night before until you felt yourself still in the dress from last night. You huffed and got undressed and washed your face. You got dressed in work out clothes and decided that today would be the day you changed your habits and lifestyle. You took a deep breath before heading down to the kitchen.

The team was all at the common room laughing up a storm as Wanda and Vision were finishing cooking the breakfast. You avoided everyone and silently went to the fridge and examined what there was. Wanda noticed your presence and smiled up at you, "Good morning [Y/N], will you be joining us for breakfast?"

You closed the fridge and looked at them, "I don't think so."

Vision looked up from the stove, "Are you sure? There's going to be pancakes, bacon, eggs, and toast. It's your favorite."

You felt your stomach growl. Vision and Wanda smirking at you. You blushed but shook your head, "No I'm fine." You walked over to the fruit basket and grabbed a banana and a water bottle from the side. You gestured to the banana and walked out of the kitchen. Vision and Wanda gave each other a look before finishing the food.

When you walked out of the kitchen you noticed Peter was laughing with Bucky about a story he was recalling from the 40s. You both made eye contact for a second before you quickly tried to leave the room. You noticed he was getting off of the couch and tried making his way to you. You walked faster towards the elevator and hit the button that leads to the training level. You sighed to yourself and relaxed once the elevator doors closed.

You were finally brought to the training room. You walked over to the treadmill and felt intimidated. You hated running with a passion, so instead, you walked over to the punching bags and decided to take baby steps on your new workout routine. You put on the gloves that were next to the station. You put the banana and water bottle to the side and adjusted yourself before you started your workout.

Your first punch felt great. A sudden rush of adrenaline kicked inside of you. You continued punching rapidly, all your anger and anxiety releasing from you. You felt your body beginning to feel the amount of movement you were making. Sweat was beading around your body and face as your face was getting flushed. It was a little over an hour before footsteps were heard.

"What did the punching bag do to you?" A voice called out.

You jumped in surprise and noticed it was Steve. You didn't respond and continued to punch. Steve laughed to himself before walking over to the punching bag. He used both of his arms to hold it steady and help your training get better. You felt your body flushing from the lack of food and water but ignored it. You wanted to let all the energy you had to help you sweat as much as you could. You continued punching as Steve now noticed the look on your face, you looked angry and upset. You felt your body getting weaker but you didn't want to give into the weakness. As you were about to take another punch, your legs gave out. You felt yourself starting to fall but you were too weak to catch yourself.

"Woah!" Steve gasped and caught you before you could fall. "[Y/N] are you okay?!"

You felt your face brighten up in embarrassment. You shook your head in an attempt to gain consciousness, "I'm fine." You began getting up as Steve helped you up and observed you.

"You're not fine," He responded. "Have you eaten?"

You looked over at the unopened banana and water bottle. Steve looked over as well and shook his head in disapproval, "You need to eat. You're harming yourself."

"I said I was fine," You glared and grabbed your things and tried walking away.

Before you could take another step, Steve grabbed your arm. "[Y/N] what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" You shouted in anger as you pulled your arm away. "What, I can't work out? Never seen [Y/N] Stark work out? Is that what it is?!"

Steve was taken back by your outburst. You huffed and immediately left the room before you said something you'd regret. You felt your hands shaking from anger as a tear slipped down your cheek. Steve saw you wipe it before you completely left the training room.

It was later on during the day, you were now avoiding Peter and Steve. You decided that you would have to resort to the facts and experiments to help you fix your body. The best place to gain this information is from the lab. You had cleaned yourself up already and ended up eating the banana in your room while you cried. You walked into the lab to see Bruce working on writing all the information he could gather on the element he discovered a couple of days ago.

"Hey [Y/N]," Bruce greeted as you smiled and went to the back of the room. He noticed you went straight for the files which grew his curiosity. "What are you looking for?"

"Something for my extra credit assignment," You lied.

Bruce didn't question further as he continued on his work.

You decided that you wanted to study the human body and why each person's body is different. You were flickering through different files from Bruce's cabinets. You sighed in relief when you found the file on Dieting and Human Emotions.

"Well," Bruce called. "I'll be upstairs with the team if you need me."

You didn't respond, too focused on the file in front of you. Bruce quirked his eyebrow but didn't comment on it. He then walked out of the lab, leaving you alone. You were reading each report, article, and experiments done for that file. You were frustrated that you could not find the answers you needed. You stared at the picture of a young girl who had the perfect body shape. You would never be as beautiful as all the other teens. Tears pooled around your eyes, tears beginning to fall on the image in your hand. You cried as you ripped the paper of the girl. The dream body you wanted.

"I am reading your heart rate spiking up," FRIDAYs voice echoing in the room. "Shall I call Mr. Stark?"

"No!" You called out in fear. "Don't call dad!"

You set the file down on the table next to you as you quickly started grabbing the bits of paper that were scattered on the floor. FRIDAY ignored your requests and immediately called your dad down. FRIDAY's voice boomed in his room making Tony jump in surprise. He then felt terrified thinking something wrong was happening to you so he ran towards the lab. Once he made it inside, he saw you crying on the floor picking up pieces of ripped paper off of the ground. He slowly walked over to you and saw a file on the table with articles, sticky notes, and pictures poking out from it.

Tony grabbed the file and read the title - Dieting and Human Emotion. Tony sighed as he felt his heart ache for his daughter. He now realized why Peter said you were crying last night, why Vision and Wanda said you were avoiding breakfast, why Steve questioned why you had an outburst in the training room, and why Bruce mentioned you were in the lab. He was looking for you throughout the day to talk to you but he had no luck. He was grateful for FRIDAY alerting where you were. You looked up after hearing Tony sigh. You felt vulnerable after being caught looking through Bruce's files and feeling insecure about it all.

"[Y/N]?" Your dad questioned and finally felt his overprotective father instincts kick in. "Is this what Peter was trying to tell me last night? Did someone say something to you? Is that why you skipped breakfast? Is this why you yelled at Steve? Who the hell is hurting you-"

"There's something wrong with me!" You finally cried out and interrupted your dad. Your dad was taken aback by your statement. Did you really hate your body and yourself? He couldn't believe it. His own daughter hated herself.

"Sweetheart there is nothing wrong with you!" Tony brought himself to the floor pulled you into his chest.

You cried into his chest as you shook your head, "Then why does everyone always have something to say about me and my body?"

Tony knew this was something out of his knowledge. Typically a mother should be the one to assure his teenage daughter about the beauty of womanhood, but Tony had no idea about it. Being a single father was always different for Tony, there were always new things to learn and overcome with his daughter. Today was just another part of it - helping his daughter love herself, just as he loved her.

Tony looked down at you. "Real beauty isn't about symmetry or weight or makeup; it's about looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence reflected in your own," Tony whispered as he used his thumb to wipe off your tears from your cheek.

You felt yourself smile before looking down to yourself. You examined yourself for the hundredth time that day. Your dad shook his head before slightly moving your head to look into his eyes.

"[Y/N]," Tony sighed. "You are whole already, perfect the way you are. Your whole being is so much more complex, so much more fragile, so much more subtle and intelligent than a few days of dieting or a page of notes can portray. Reducing your self-worth to your weight is ridiculous and lethal."

You felt your tears welling up, you started to get overwhelmed by your strong emotions of yourself and how unhappy you were with how you looked.

Tony grabbed your face with both of his hands. You leaned yourself into his touch, you felt your nerves going down a little. Tony continued, "I'm not trying to sound harsh, I'm trying to show you that you can love yourself without worrying about everything you eat. You are worth more than your weight. You have a heart, mind, and soul that can change the world. You are a Stark, nothing will ever change that. I love you 3000." He then leaned in and kissed your forehead, your left cheek, and right cheek.

You leaned into the touch, "Not 4000?"

"I was thinking 5000 but that might be a stretch."

You laughed and playfully hit his chest. Tony laughed with you then looked down at you. You smiled as Tony ran his fingers through your hair to help you relax and enjoy the moment.

"Now, let's go upstairs and join the team for some lunch?" You dad offered. You breathed out and nodded. "Great! It's my turn to cook and I could use the help."

You groaned, "Child labor!"

Tony shook his head as you both began walking towards the common room, "I'm not going to let my daughter be a freeloader. Gotta earn it!"

You laughed, "But you love me, 3000!"

"Yeah you're right," He responded and kissed your hair as you both went into the kitchen to start cooking.

Tony knew that he had to do whatever he needs to do in order to make his daughter feel loved. He knew this may be difficult but he will always be there to help you see how truly beautiful you were in his eyes and everyone else's. He smiled when he saw you laughing at a joke Natasha said at the table. Tony was ecstatic seeing your smile and never wants it to go away. He loved you more than anyone could ever comprehend.

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chocolate-chip-socks · 3 years

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I sit here in anger over the fact that I let him do the same mistake again- waste my time and string me along. I feel so disrespected and angry in that every time we talk about it I am hopeful that things will be different. And they sorta are, but also not.

He let's me know that we'd call at 12am. Then it becomes 1am. 2-2:30am. "Give me 20 minutes and then we'll call." He's at 2% and its been over 40 minutes since he said that. I call and no answer. I check again an hour later and see his phone is being charged and that he's active on Facebook.

This is such a fuck you to my face. I am at a point where I feel extremely disrespected and Im so tired of it. On the one hand, I dont want to give up on him. On the other hand, I am just so tired of being so angry when this happens. Im angry.

What will happen when we can talk? I'm gonna be so angry and I'm gonna start cussing him out basically because I've expressed this so many times that I am tired of him doing this to me. Then he sits there and feels guilty and says sorry. But here's the thing though- he may feel guilty in the moment, but that guilt is not enough for him to remember the next time he has a chance to make a choice of whether to do better or to mindlessly do what he's been doing, no regard for me.

I am so angry. A part of me wants to call him right now and keep calling until he answers so I can let all my anger out. However, I understand that is a bit irrational and childish so instead I sit here typing this long text out in anger. Quite frankly, I dont even think I'll be able to sleep. This is the third time I've been too angry to do my paper because of the same shit he's done.

A relationship cannot last solely on love. If that was the case, then we call those relationships toxic. Rather, a relationship needs to have respect, time, effort. These are things I feel he has lacked heavily today and has given all of that to everyone but me.

Something I question is if he truly loves me, would he disrespect me like he's been doing alot recently? Or is he simply infatuated with the idea of love because having somebody love you is a great feeling. Is it being in a relationship that he enjoys or is it me?

I asked him quite alot recently of what his mind was running when we became official because it was pretty random. The answer I got was simply "you." You in that I was the reason why he wanted to be in a long term relationship. In that I was someone he wanted to be better for.

I just dont think I see that anymore.

In that on a number of occasions I feel like it's not me, but its the benefits of being with me. Because I dont deserve this disrespect and I deserve to have someone who puts in the same effort I put in. I shouldn't be the one who has to constantly drive back and forth to go see him. Yeah, you dont have a car but you should find ways to see me rather than make me do the work all. The. Time.

You dont get to just reap the benefits of me by slapping a sorry stamp everytime you fuck up. I knew you wouldn't call me at 12am. On a Saturday night? That would be nice but its extremely unrealistic from you because when have you ever gotten back from going out at 12am? I knew this and asked to just stay on your laptop. Instead you just did whatever you wanted to do.

I am angry. But I am more hurt than anything. And I am tired of feeling this way.

0 notes

wanna1things · 7 years

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Radio DJ!Kim Jaehwan

the idea came to me because for like a good 3 years of my life i wanted to be a radio dj and idk jaehwan fits this au well...

Genre;; fluff +radio dj au is that a thing idk

Warnings;; unless you hate jaehwan, his laugh, and music then none lol

Pairing;; Kim Jaehwan x reader

Requested;; no this is just another thing from my backlog lol

Summary;; Jaehwan is the radio dj for your university radio station, and he’s looking for someone to present with him… maybe something more?

Style;; bullet point

Word Count;; 1913

UH requests will be done by the end of the week!! just clearing the backlog of posts while i revise for my uni tests lol

jaehwan is pretty well known in your university for his job as a dj for the uni’s radio station

nobody knows what he’s studying, everyone assumes it’s music (they’re right), they just know he’s the guy with the weird laugh who hosts the midnight to 2am slot

aka when everyone is cramming

he plays pretty funky music at the start but by the end it’s chill tunes to help everyone wind down and actually get some sleep

you’re an avid listener

you stay up until 2am every day, not even to study just to listen to his show lol

you always make notes of the songs he plays because he seems to have almost the exact same music taste as you??

by the time it’s 2am your hand is aching from writing down all the songs he’s played lol

at 1am he always has a 5 minute gap where he covers a popular song on guitar and sings it too and sjhgfsjd it’s amazing you’re in love with his voice

it’s just…

you have no idea what he looks like

all of your friends know about your crush on the dj with the satanic laugh and they tease you 24/7

like lol how can you be in love with a guy you’ve never seen before

but theres some sort of;; connection that you feel with him lmao

anyway, as you walk into your class one day in the middle of the semester you notice a poster up on the pinboard

in handwritten bubble letters (you know the ones) it says

“kim jaehwan is recruiting!! send a playlist to my email [email protected] and i’ll rate you and decide on who will be my new co-host!! entries close at the end of the week!”

your heartbeat speeds up

now you have an opportunity to possibly meet the guy you’ve been crushing on since that one time you pulled an all nighter at the beginning of uni lol

you take note of his pretty stupid email address and take your seat at the back of the class

instead of listening you spend the whole time brainstorming your playlist sdhfhds

as soon as the lecturer dismisses you, you leg it out of the room and to your flat

but in your rush you accidentally run into someone

and by run i mean like you slam into this really cute guy

and you spill his drink lol

they seemed uh… pretty mad but honestly you were in such a rush to get back and sort out the playlist you just opened your bag and gave him a $5 bill to cover the costs lmao

as you walk away you swear you hear a familiar satanic laugh coming from the guy you just ran into but

you chalk it up to you just hearing things

you stay up until midnight sorting out the playlist and brainstorming

after trying to come up with themed playlists and stuff but losing motivation after a while

you decide to roughly follow the structure he uses in his show, funky and louder at the start and gradually getting softer

you put all of your favourite songs in there, and make sure to sprinkle a couple of ones that jaehwan plays regularly in there

and once you’re pleased with the result you send it to the email,, at exactly 11:59

before you know it jaehwans show is starting

“Hello fellow students!! It’s everyone’s favourite midnight dj Kim Jaehwan!! Thank you for all your submissions so far, i’ll be reviewing them tomorrow! For now let's get on with the show!’

you realise straight away the first song hes playing is the one you put first on your playlist

and you’re a bit creeped out but you just think its a coincidence i mean you two have the same music taste

but by the time the 5th song is playing eXACTLY the same as your playlist you realise

he’s literally just playing your playlist

you open up your email again and begin drafting a new email asking for an explanation like really why is he using your playlist??

within seconds you get a reply

“hello;; y/n;; yeah sorry about that you’re the only submission so far… i took a look at the first 3 songs and i decided i trust your choices enough to use your playlist for this show… hope you don’t mind??”

OF COURSE YOU DON’T MIND

you type a speedy reply because uh oh don’t want jaehwan thinking you’re mad

“hey jaehwan! i don’t mind at all!! does this mean i got the job lol??”

again in the space of 3 seconds you get a reply but this time it’s just two words

“no comment”

the next day you head into uni and you realise all of the posters jaehwan put up for recruiting have been taken down

honestly you’re a bit shook like does he not need a partner any more??

that is until halfway through your day you’re sitting in the library studying when you receive an email from the one and only worlds best dj kim jaehwan

“hey new partner! you’ve officially been recruited! meet me in the cafe in 20 minutes;; here’s my phone number _______!”

the first thing that comes to your mind is what do you save jaehwans number as dsjfgdfjh

you decide on ‘worlds no.1 dj’ and then pack up your work and make your way to the cafe

when you get there you see a guy sitting at a table on his own, looking at his phone suspiciously and sipping on his drink

when you look a bit closer you realise uh oh its the guy you bumped into yesterday don’t get noTICED

but after about 5 minutes of trying to hide from the guy you ran into, you still can’t spot jaehwan so you decide to ring his number

you’re mortified when you see the guy you ran into pick up his phone sjfhjs uh oh

you stay on the line and gradually make your way over to the table he’s at and sit down in the chair opposite him

he is honestly just as shocked as you

“okay y/n i have so many questions first of all why did you give me $5?? why were you in such a hurry?? what is this”

you can’t even process his questions because ok you just fell in love a litttttle bit more

i mean like this guy i mean jaehwan has the cutest cheeks and a really cuTE SMILE and really soft looking fluffy hair oh my god;;;

you’re almost about to grab your phone and call all of your friends like HA i fell in love with someone i’ve never seen and he turned out to be good looking as hell anyway LMAO

when he realises you’re not going to answer his questions he stands up and orders you an iced coffee lol

as he puts it in front of you, you thank him graciously and suddenly blurt out

‘thank you so much honestly i’ve been a fan of yours for a long time and we have the exact same music taste and i really admire you and you’re an amazing singer and musician an-’

‘woah okAY y/n i didn’t hire you just to hear compliments i mean i’m not complaining but you don’t need to thank me lol you have a gift with playlists that's whY i hired you’

he smiles at you really wide and you realise like you had nothing to be so nervous about he’s not got a grudge against you and hes also super nice?? at least he seems it

and so you’re welcomed to the radio family

at first everyone is so confused when your voice appears alongside jaehwan’s at 12am

but after a while everyone is very attached to your shows

you pick amazing songs together, you have gr8 banter and sometimes;; just sometimes you join in singing with jaehwan

after the show he always compliments you on how good you are at singing but tbh he’s so whipped he doesnt know

thats right

jaehwan was interested you from the moment you gave him instant compensation for running into him

and now, after spending all this time with you, he’s just like

so in love

like;; not only do you have mad talent but you also can deal with him and his annoying laugh like lets be honest most of his friends give up after an hour or two

even his best friend the business major minhyun can only handle him for so long lol

but you two are so in tune and theres some sort of connection between you two that words can’t explain;; one that you’ve been feeling for a LONG TIME

it doesn’t help that now there’s mad gossip going around

“that person that djs with jaehwan for the midnight slot?? yeah them i heard they’re dating jaehwan as well lol”

minhyun, who sometimes comes and sits to watch live action midnight slot, has also noticed that you both have pretty obvious feelings for each other

he’s noticed how when you look at jaehwan it’s like you’re looking at the whole damn universe

and how jaehwan can’t help but smile to himself whenever you smile

and he starts up a plan

a plan to convince jaehwan to confess

one night after the slot they walk you back to the dorm together

minhyun feeling like a bit of a third wheel lol

but as soon as you’re safely inside minhyun whispers to jaehwan

‘heyyyy jaehwan…. I know about your crush on y/n’

jaehwan turns briGHT RED

‘haha what do u mean i have no idea what you’re talking about buddy sorry’

‘bro;;; are you blind she likes you back’

nobody has ever seen jaehwan whip out his phone quicker

in a moment of madness he dials your number quicker than lightning and calls you down to the courtyard

minhyun makes his way back to his dorms on his own because he already knows this is too cheesy to watch i mean he could record it for blackmail but jaehwan would probably kill him if he did lol

as soon as you get downstairs with your dressing gown wrapped around you jaehwan kneels down on the floor like romeo-style

‘jaehwan if u have something to say please hurry up my hot chocolate is getting cold-’

‘y/n~~ i have loved you~~ since you gave me five dollars~~ im glad i walked into you~~ or technically you walked into me but still~’

is he really singing his confession? yes. this is jaehwan we are talking about

you’re not sure if it’s because of embarrassment or happiness but you can feel your cheeks heating up

‘jaehwan if this is you asking me to date you, i accept, but please come inside it’s cold lol’

of course he comes in and you share your hot chocolate

from that day on you were the cutest and most EXTRA couple ever

you announce your relationship in the show by playing the cheesiest love songs for an hour

at the end of the year makeshift awards you win the cutest couple award (and jaehwan wins weirdest laugh award, as expected)

you also win best duet award for your daily singing sessions at 1am

all in all you two are super cute and super extra

everyone is jealous but you’re still their fAVE COUPLE

listen i love jaehwan so much okay this made me so soft for jaehwan uGHH anyway i hope you enjoyed and that this wasn’t a disaster lol i’m going to SCHLEEP

#jaehwan #kim jaehwan #wanna one #wanna one imagines #wannaone #wannaone imagines #wannable #produce 101 imagines #Produce 101 #radio dj au #au #kjh #wanna one kim jaehwan #wanna one jaehwan #or should i say park jaehwan LMAOOOOOO

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daisiesims-blog · 7 years

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Sims 4 The Working Girl Challenge

After receiving lots of love and support for my Sims 3 Working Girl Challenge I created, I’ve decided to re-write the rules and make it even more interesting for the Sims 4 (if you’d like to see my take on this story-telling challenge check it out my YouTube Channel).

Warning: This challenge, although meant to be fun, is mature-themed in nature, with topics such as prostitution, stripping and escorting. I play the Sims as though I’m creating a visual novel, I enjoy creating machinimas for my series while following a story-line full of in-depth characters, and sometimes I appreciate the “dark” side of story-telling. Not every story is going to be sugary-sweet full of unicorns and rainbows, so story-telling in the Sims should be no different.

Main Objective(s) for Challenge Completion:

Have your main Sim character a homeless/runaway teenager with §0. They can live in a rundown apartment or in the streets, or crashing at a friend’s house, whatever you choose is fine--they just don’t have an actual home to call home at this point.

Earn an “A” in high school. Use in-game cheats (testingcheats true -- Careers.demote Highschool) to demote your Sim’s grades to a “F” as they are currently flunking school. You can ONLY age into a young adult once receiving an A in high school.

Once aged into a Young Adult, use the Get to College mod and take your Sim to college (we’ll imagine the tuition is §10,000, so you better be saving up for it!) to earn a degree and join an in-game career they like. Ignore this if the mod doesn’t work properly, as I haven’t play-tested it yet

Earn §50,000 GRAND TOTAL net-worth from stripping and/or prostitution and/or escorting, as well as from your make-believe-job as a stripper (which I’ll go into detail about later). You CAN sell things that are clogging up your inventory if you’re in desperate need for cash, but it should not be your Sim’s main focus.

So as I said earlier, “make-believe-job as a stripper,” I’ll be going into detail about it now:

Your Sim will go to a bar/nightclub (I recommend using lot traits such as Penny Pixies to imagine any extra money made are tips) to strip using the Exotic Pole during their scheduled work hours. There are 3 career levels/promotions:

Club’s Cutie Bartender Level 1:

You were mainly hired because you’re cute, great with customers and can make a tasty drink, so you’ll mainly be bartending and socializing. You may be cute and required to be flirty with the customers, but you’re not very coordinated, so please refrain from dancing on the pole...

S-M-T-W-T-F-S from 8pm to 1am, §30 per hour (§150 each night).

Skills required to start Level 1, to join the make-believe stripping career: Charisma (2), Athletic (2), Mixology (2)

Clumsy Stripper Level 2:

Realizing you have a natural talent for the pole, the club’s manager decided to give you a shot to shake your booty on stage. Hopefully you won’t have stage-fright and throw up over the lustful men...

S-M-T-W-T-F-S from 11pm to 3am, §60 per hour (§240 each night).

Skills required to join Level 2: Athletic (5), Dancing (2)

OPTIONAL: Starting at level 2, you can now also twerk for tips using the Extreme Violence Mod. You’re good enough that Sims will tip you for your dancing, no matter how... odd, your dancing is.

Queen of the Pole Level 3 (max level):

Wow! With your flexibility, sex-appeal, charm and rhythm, you’ve made a huge impression on the club’s manager... as well as all the customers, they’re falling in love with you!! In fact, they only come to see YOU perform nowadays...

S-M-T-W-T-F-S from 12am to 3am, §450 per hour (§1350 each night).

Skills required to join Level 3: Charisma (5), Athletic (8), Dancing (5)

So you’ll have your main job as a stripper to make money, but college is pricey, as well as affording a home and paying bills, so you’ll be doing other things to make quick cash...

Prostitution

I recommend installing MC Command Center and WooHoo Mod which allows many things, such as no-strings attached relationships, risky woohoo, teen pregnancy, and brings a useful woohoo skill into the game which you can use to your advantage to get more money.

*Depending on how easy or time-consuming you want things to be, you can woohoo with one client a day or many clients per day.

You don’t need to be super friendly with your clients, but make sure they’re at least feeling flirty and are in the mood... remember, if using the woohoo skill, depending on how good or bad your mood is, will affect it...Assuming if the woohoo skill (which goes to level 5) shows up in your skill journal, increase the money. Level 1 = charge §200 per woohoo session, Level 2 = §1000, Level 3 and 4 = §3000, & Level 5 = charge §10,000.

Escorting aka dating (Silver Date unlocked at level 2 of Stripping job, Gold Date unlocked at Level 3 of Stripping)

This one is a little more time-consuming, but the most “pg” out of the prior choices. Sometimes a Sim just wants a beautiful date for a special occasion, to brag to his friends about and show off as arm-candy. Sex is optional only once you have a GOLD date, but definitely not required... heck, you don’t even need to be romantic, just be friendly and flattering and you’ll still get paid for your time!

Bronze Date (you can do this anytime, no matter what skills): §100

Silver (money only unlocked at Level 2 of Stripping job): §1000

Gold (money only unlocked at Level 3 of Stripping job): §5000

*If you have a GOLD date, you can also sleep with the person for extra money (the amount you normally get paid for sleeping with people.)

*I used my imagination to include “unlocked” and “locked” dates, otherwise it would be too easy to have a Gold Date and get paid §2000 from the start... so in the meantime, whenever your Sim has a date, even if it turns out to be a silver or gold. they’ll only get paid §100 until they improve their make-believe job performance and reach its required levels.

*If a Sim asks YOU out for lunch or whatnot, you can imagine you’re escorting them (even though the date goal task-thingy is not there), and you’ll get paid *HALF* the amount you normally would for escorting since it’s not as much work to it... say you’re level 2 of stripping (§1000 for escorting), you’ll get paid half of that (§500) for when a Sim asks YOU out to go somewhere.

*When you’re escorting a Sim, regardless if they ask you out or you ask them out, reimburse yourself. If you’re dining out with them and your dinner bill comes to §130, pay it, but give yourself the money back through testingcheats on AND money amount (as well as the money you get from escorting).

So over all, the rules/guidelines are very detailed but should be simple enough to follow. Depending on how hard or easy you want this challenge to be, increase or decrease the amount of money earned, as well as skill levels. Depending on how comfortable you are about sex-industry aspects, do what makes you comfortable. Have fun with it and remember, it’s just a game... a game that is also used for story-telling. Express your creativity no matter how weird it may seem to others.

This challenge is not meant to neither “promote” sex or slut shame; but instead, it’s to show that everyone has their own journey and struggles in life. Everyone feels insecure and questions their life choices. Your body is your body and as long as you’re a consenting adult it’s your business. This challenge is also about working from the bottom to the top, hence the “Working Girl”, working hard to go to university and get an education and a better life for your Sim. No matter how dark things may seem, things always do get better... sometimes things have to get worse before getting better... Hope you have fun with this challenge if you try it out, and I’ll be posting Part 1 of this challenge/Let’s Play soon on my channel!

#sims 4 #sims 4 challenge #sims 4 mods #sims 4 university

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andystanberg · 7 years

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Gonna Take Ya (Away From Harm)

Word Count: 2340

Genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

Warnings: crying, parents yelling at their kids, emotionally abusive parents (not sure about this one, but just in case)

Summary:

Dan has a shitty night and Phil makes it better. Set in 2009, sometime before October.

A/N I’ll be getting busier throughout the next few weeks, but I’ll try to keep fics consistent.

Dan tries to pretend like it doesn’t bother him when his parents start making ever so subtly snide comments about his relatives. He doesn’t quite understand why they would – the relatives in question all seem nice enough, but apparently not.

Even so, what his parents are saying shouldn’t affect him like that. Yet it does. Dan knows that it has nothing to do with him but at the same time… He’s all too familiar with the insult-that-could-pass-as-a-joke routine. His family – both immediate and distant – enjoyed talking about him as if he wasn’t there. Dan gets it; he’s lazy, has gotten fired for his own stupidity at all jobs he has ever worked at and to top it all off, he has recently dumped his girlfriend of three years. His parents are under the impression that she dumped him. (He doesn’t say anything, just sits there as they joke about it.)

Most of the time he fades into the background during family events. He understands that he’s a pretty easy target. That doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

Instead of saying anything in defence, like he knows he should, Dan casts his eyes downward and grips his fork tighter. The conversation quickly moves on and he almost forgets it. He almost lets himself believe that nothing else will go wrong tonight.

Dan races to his room, fighting the urge to slam his door shut, because he knows it’ll only make things worse. He’s about to cry, he can feel it, but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s going to cry over the stupid shit his family says. He doesn’t like that he’s proving his parents’ “too sensitive” argument they bring up every time he has the audacity to not like being yelled at.

Most of all, he doesn’t like crying. His mum might see, and he knows she’ll come in if she does and tell him to toughen up – obviously more sugar coated – in a soothing voice and he’ll accept. That’s just what he does. So instead of going out and pretending that he’s fine, Dan wraps his blankets around him tighter, furiously wipes his tears that have just started and closes his eyes. He hears his parents having fun and joking around outside, unaware that he’s currently bawling over how much of a disappointment he is to them. He chucks a pillow over his head for good measure.

The next thing he knows is that he’s waking up at 1am in uncomfortable jeans and a sweaty shirt.

He immediately shuffles out of them, chucks the offending articles of clothing somewhere in his room and tries to sleep. Surprise, he doesn’t.

After a few more minutes of tossing and turning, Dan gives in and pulls out his laptop from where it is under his bed and turns it on. It’s there in case he steps on it, which he has never done. (It’s actually there because his dad got mad at him for leaving it lying around and yelled at him until he moved it.)

He chews his lip while it takes forever to boot up. Every part of his body is screaming to call Phil, to hear his voice. Dan can’t do that, though. He has a feeling that as soon as Phil asks what’s wrong – and he will – Dan will break down. He can’t have that. Not now, not over his family, not in front of Phil.

The Windows loading thing that Dan never learnt the name over is replaced by his desktop background, which is most certainly not a screenshot of Phil that he captured during one of their Skype sessions. He frowns and weighs the pros and cons of calling as his mouse hovers over the Skype logo. All it takes is the memory of the disaster dinner filling the silent house for him to open it up.

Unsurprisingly, Phil’s offline. It is 1am after all, what did Dan even expect? He doesn’t know why, but this crushes him. It makes everything seem a billion times worse. He just wants to see Phil’s smile, to hear his voice. He just wants Phil to tell him everything will be okay.

Dan’s trying not to sob again. He’s tired and emotional and has no impulse control, so he sends Phil a text via his phone. He chucks the phone away a few seconds later, knowing that there’s no point staring at it and waiting for an answer. He jumps and barely stops a scream when a loud ding rings throughout the room.

(He swears that he didn’t scramble across his room to get his phone and fall off his bed in an ungraceful pile of blankets.)

DAN – 1:12am hey, you up?

PHIL – 1:15am Took a while, but I am now! Are you alright? <3

Dan almost started crying again. Phil picked up on his mood straight away. Okay, maybe texting someone at 1am was a dead giveaway that everything was most certainly not fine, but Dan couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming rush of gratitude to his best friend.

DAN – 1:15am yeah

DAN – 1:15am it’s just, sometimes i can actually convince myself that people care

PHIL – 1:15am I care :(

DAN – 1:16am

i know, i know. i know that people care, but then a night like this happens and i can’t even imagine that anybody would care if i died.

PHIL – 1:18am Dan, answer my calls. Or at least skype me <3

DAN – 1:18am can’t, sorry…

PHIL – 1:19am Why not? What happened? Are you sure you’re okay????

DAN – 1:21am …i swear i’m physically okay

PHIL – 1:21am ?

DAN – 1:21am i’m a sobbing mess right now

PHIL – 1:21am Why? :(

DAN – 1:23am idk, i’m just so upset phil. it’s like nothing i ever do is good enough for them and idk… said that twice oops

DAN – 1:24am also the other reason we can’t skype is because everyone’s asleep and i don’t want to wake them up. my dad would probably barge in and start yelling at me again >_<

PHIL – 1:24am He yelled at you?!

DAN – 1:26am don’t worry i was just being stupid and spilt water everywhere while i was trying to clear the table. i fuckup everything haha

PHIL – 1:26am You’re not stupid! None of that’s your fault and don’t you dare say you’re a fuckup ever again.

DAN – 1:30am i know, i think. get this though – i completely forgot about the mess and putting away the leftovers (literally mostly what my job is lol) and went to my room to cry so he told my brother to tell me to “clean up the mess i made”

DAN – 1:31am like i’m so dumb dad actually had to tell my bro to tell me so i got the message O.o

PHIL – 1:32am Dan…

PHIL – 1:32am Can I please call you? <3

DAN – 1:33am …fine. on skype? no video tho soz <3

Dan switches off his phone with a sigh and looks back at his laptop. It’s an old one and after twenty minutes of being on, it’s whirring dangerously. Dan is pretty sure it’s not supposed to be doing that, but he wants nothing more in the world to see Phil right now, so he dismisses it. This time, when he checks Skype, there’s a green tick next to Phil’s contact. And a new message.

PHIL – 1:40am Am I still able to call?

Dan smiles. He loves the way Phil always makes sure he’s okay with stuff. His sleep-addled brain can’t really form words to express how it feels other than warm, but that’s okay, because he doesn’t need that right now. He needs Phil.

DAN – 1:40am please.

PHIL IS CALLING.

Dan takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes a final time. They’re still wet and he knows they’re red but he doesn’t care that much anymore. He accepts, making sure to turn off the camera.

“Hey, Dan!” Phil’s sleepy but somehow cheery voice chirps as the pixels that are supposed to resemble Phil take up Dan’s screen. Phil doesn’t have his light on, but his face is dimly lit from his own laptop. Dan wishes he could see more than black and grey chunks.

“H-hey,” he croaks out, then clears his throat. He’s so quiet that Dan’s not sure if Phil even heard him. He did.

The pixels move around a bit and suddenly everything is much brighter, making Dan squint. When he fully opens his eyes, he sees Phil frowning worriedly. He also sees the colourful bed sheets Dan has grown accustom to seeing, Phil’s toy lion and the edge of his wardrobe. The familiar scenery relaxes Dan and makes him feel at home.

“You okay?” Phil asks.

Dan knows that there’s no point in lying, because Phil knows him. He nods anyway. Then he realises that he doesn’t have video on and that he’s gotten used to video Skype calls with Phil. Dan sighs, contemplating whether or not to turn video on when he remembers that Phil asked him something.

“What?” Dan says dumbly, before recalling the question. “Oh- yeah, I’m fine.” He says it in such a resigned voice that there’s no way Phil will believe him now.

There’s an uncomfortable silence. Dan watches as Phil moves around on his bed a bit, then open his mouth only to shut it again. Phil does this quite a few times before he finally says anything.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil’s voice is gentle. Dan is half-tempted to. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but at the very least, could you turn on your video? Just so I know you’re okay.”

Dan knows that if he does turn on his camera, there’s no way he can tell Phil what happened without breaking down embarrassingly, and as he stated before, he most certainly did not want Phil to witness that.

He agrees and clicks on the camera button, not before messing around with his hair until he decides that nothing can be done about the curly mess on his head at the moment.

It takes a few seconds for his laptop and Skype to process the request. In those few seconds, Dan realises just how shitty he probably looks. He had fallen asleep crying and woken up forty minutes ago, his hair is a mess, his eyes are red and his cheeks are blotchy. He realises with horror that he’s also just in his boxers.

It’s too late for him to back out now because the box with the three, maybe four, pixels that are supposed to represent him is in the corner of the screen, meaning Phil can (kind of) see him.

“Hey,” Dan says lamely, then cringes because he’s already said that.

Phil shuffles closer to the screen. “Hello,” he grins, easing Dan’s nerves slightly. “I can’t really see you that much, can you turn on your light?”

Dan almost slaps himself in the forehead right then and there. Obviously Phil can’t see him. “Right, sorry, I’m such an idiot.” He forces a laugh as he reaches over and flicks the light switch. The bright light floods the room immediately, making Dan blink.

Once he can actually focus on things without seeing spots dance across his vision, he turns back to Phil. Dan notices that he’s being uncharacteristically quiet, like he’s thinking about something. Dan doesn’t push it.

“Sorry about my lack of clothes. I fell asleep in the ones I wore today and felt gross when I woke up. I honestly forgot about it until now,” he rambles.

Phil laughs. “Right,” he grins, winking. Dan blushes.

“So, how was your day?” He cringes at how awkward and forced the question sounds.

“Pretty good. My brother visited and my parents took me and him out to some fancy restaurant. Although, it did end up in us getting kicked out.” Phil laughs again, making Dan crack a smile.

“How’d you manage that?” He asks, incredulous.

“Well, it started with us seeing a goose dish on the menu...” Phil continues his storytelling and soon, Dan forgets why they started the call in the first place.

It’s only when Dan starts to yawn do they realise how late/early it is. They had been talking for over three hours. It may not seem like a lot, but considering they had both woken up at one and it being roughly five now, they’re entitled to feel tired.

Phil offers to leave, but something in Dan’s expression convinces him to stay just a little longer.

“You know,” Phil says, out of the blue. Dan’s droopy eyes open slightly, so Phil knows he’s listening. “I’ve been thinking. We’ve known each other for a few months now and you’re like my best friend, so I was wondering if you’d like to come over sometime? I could buy the tickets if you didn’t have the money. You would also be able to escape your parents…” He trails off nervously.

“Mmm,” Dan mumbles, not really conscious enough to comprehend anything. His brain takes a while to process what he just heard, but as soon as it does, he’s suddenly wide awake. “Wait, are you serious?”

Phil nods while his hands fiddle with each other in his lap.

“Yes! That would be the best thing ever, I’d love to come to Manchester!” Dan’s smiling so wide it hurts, but he can’t bring himself to stop.

Phil lets out a relieved sigh. “Thank god. I thought you were going to say no.”

“I’d never,” Dan swears. He’s never been more honest about something in his life.

Phil smiles. “How about we talk about this in the morning? Well, later in the morning. You should get some sleep.”

“So should you.”

“Oh, hush.”

Dan’s the first to fall asleep. Phil admires how peaceful he looks for a few minutes before deciding that he should also go to bed. With a sigh, he ends the call and turns off his laptop, making a mental note to look into tickets to Manchester tomorrow.

A/N Got really emotional last week and started writing this. On a lighter note, I got out of first period halfway in and went to the doctor (dehydration, it was fine) yesterday so that was cool. (Pun not intended.)

#phanfiction #phanfic #phandom #phan #yikes the ending seems forced #whoops #people from school are trying to find my account again #they suck at it #now time for the tags to promote my stuff #fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #crying #emotional abuse #tw; emotional abuse #2009

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fluffygukkie-blog · 7 years

Text

Our Secret

Fandom: BTS

Word Count: 4.8k

Rating: Teen Up and Aundiences

Warnings: N/A

Type: Ongoing

Pairings: YoonMin, NamJin, TaeKook

Summary: In a life full of stressed college students and one-night stands, Min Yoongi finds himself falling for the very sweet sweater-paws Park Jimin.

Read On AO3

Chapter 1: Hold Me Tight

Life was always tough for Min Yoongi, what with having other people’s lame thoughts in his brain. He rarely ever came to someone who actually thought rational things like what they were going to do once they got home after taking the subway home, or how they were going to fix a problem in school. Really, these were rarities. Humans thought the most absurd things, but he really couldn’t blame them. He was pretty sure if they knew he was barging into their privacy they would at least try to think more decent things and not something mildly disturbing like thinking someone is extremely hot and wanting to ‘fuck the living daylights out of someone’…someone else’s thoughts, not his.

Still, he was lucky to be the only person with this ability that had been charted so far at least. The agency he worked with as a spy are trying to locate more with this ability, but thankfully it’s just him for the count. As much as he likes reading others thoughts, he wouldn’t want someone barging in on his thoughts. He was in the subway, alone. It was ass o'clock so he figured no one would be there except him. He was trying to finish his homework because his roommates were being too fucking loud when they were doing the deed and it grossed him out and it also slightly turned him on which was annoying. They did it every day, didn’t they need rest? They were going to make each other’s dicks fall off with the amount of fucking they do, Jesus Christ.

He loved his roommates dearly, he did. Namjoon and Seokjin were the best of friends since high school. And Hoseok too, the dance club president. All four of them ruled their high school and earned their authority. But to have it all washed down the drain once he entered college was a bit disappointing. Still, he preferred to keep low once he entered college anyways, Yoongi wasn’t much of a social person anyways, the other three had simply dragged him into the scene. Namjoon and Seokjin had been dating in high school and ever since college started they just could stop and it was driving Yoongi insane. Weather it was just a simple blow job or full on sex, it was irritating the shit out of him. He didn’t get any sleep and he couldn’t concentrate on his homework no matter how loud he blasted his earphones. Sure, he got it, they were in love and were horny for each other but couldn’t they at least have the decency to do it when he wasn’t there? Or at least rent a hotel or something, how was Yoongi supposed to know how these things worked?

So that’s how he found himself in the empty subway at 12am after closing time. He’d managed to pick the lock, those things were cheap anyone could get inside even with a small push to the rusty back door of the subway if they really wanted to get in. He sighs, rubbing his fingers on his temple to dull the incoming headache. This homework was beginning to be a pain. Maybe he shouldn’t be a math major, if he was going to be a Music major, why did it have to be so hard to come up with simple lyrics? This should be a piece of cake to him. He could use the songs from his mixtape but that would be cheating and plus Yoongi had been itching to write a new song anyways. Plus, it’s not like he could easily write about something like love when he hardly had any experience with it, if none at all. He pulls at his hair in annoyance, pale fingers curling around dark locks.

He scoffs as he looks at the title of his song, 'First Love’. Yoongi hasn’t even had a first love. Sure he’s had crushes, but none of them had escalated enough to be classified as love. He nibbles on his lower lip worryingly, he had to finish this assignment by next week and the weekend was going to be busy since he had a late night shift at the music store he worked at. He could probably fit in a few verses while on break if he really tried. This song was going to be the final for the semester and it would count half of their grade. Even if Yoongi did have an A in the class, that didn’t mean he could risk it. He knew C’s get you degrees but A’s get you actual jobs and recognition during graduation and that’s really what Yoongi wanted, for all his hard work to pay off and to feel accomplished in something he enjoyed, which n this case was making music and being able to express how he feels with his words.

Maybe that’s what he should write about, his love for music. He thinks back to when he was a little kid, watching his hyung play mercilessly on the piano, fingers gliding swiftly and freely across the keys creating beautiful sounds for his tiny ears. Yoongi was four then, and that’s when he had fallen in love with music, with playing the piano.

Suddenly, inspiration hits him and he begins writing, writing down his thoughts and simple verses. It isn’t until he feels something strange in his head, like a needle pricking his brain, or rather-someone trying to get in his brain. He ignores it the first time because no one has been found to be able to do that since the last century, he’s read it in some books. No one could possibly have the same quirk as him, could they?

It isn’t until he hears a voice in his head that he does stop his writing albeit with annoyance because dammit, he was on a roll and he’ll lose his train of thought after the connection brakes. He glares, turning to his left where he sees a blonde haired boy, attractive with his chiseled features. Soft plump ‘kiss me’ lips and chubby flushed cheeks and long lashes, his hair falls perfectly on his forehead where it’s parted.

“What did you say?” He grumbles, lips pursing as his eyes turn to slits in slight anger, voice gruff.

I said, 'Shit, he’s hot.’ Mysterious guy wiggles his eyebrows but despite his taunting there’s a pretty blush that seems to be growing by the seconds, cheeks prettily tinted pink and he watches as the soft curve of his cheeks lift as his lips do, up when he smiles revealing white pearly teeth in a teasing manner as his eyebrows keep wiggling. Yoongi rolls his eyes although theirs a small blush starting to form on his cheeks and he curses his pale skin. The other man scoots and leans over his shoulder, pressing his face on his shoulder and humming thoughtfully, reading the lyrics on Yoongi’s page. “First love, huh.” He says under his breath and it tickles the skin on his sensitive neck and he suppresses a shiver.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” He asks suddenly, his voice catching Yoongi off guard because of how soft it sounds. Yes. He wants to say, because if love at first sight means he gets to meet this guy all over again and fall in love with him, then he’s down. But instead, Yoongi just scoffs and looks down, trying to hide his obvious blush. “Pfft. Nah. Do you?” He fails to notice the other boy slump over, a small pout on his lips, brows furrowing. “Of course you wouldn’t. No one does…” He says, sighing softly. They stay in silence like that in a while, Yoongi trying to catch his train of thought back to where he was going with his lyrics, but finding it to no avail when the other starts humming a tune. He doesn’t exactly mind it, per say, but in this moment he does. He came here to distract himself, but he’s being distracted by a very attractive man.

Yoongi freezes, because the other has been reading his mind the whole time and he’s complimenting him without knowing and Yoongi doesn’t do that out loud and that’s why he only thinks about it, his mind being a safe place for all the things he doesn’t want others to know. But now that there’s someone else like him, he’ll have to put a filter on his thoughts and he hopes other’s will too. Which he doubts since no one really knows about mind readers because there being only one of count so far. They aren’t known and he doubts people would be okay with knowing there’s people that can read minds, it’d only make the stupid humans paranoid and cause an uprising for invading their precious privacy so they could undress people in their minds at ease, not if their eyes didn’t already do that anyways. Not like he’d want to do that on purpose, he’s not that mean. It’s just that regular humans are so simple minded unlike aliens like him and other mind readers.

Yoongi coos at the other’s growing blush, snapping him out of his thoughts. Cute. He pokes his cheek. They’re Yoongi’s favorite, it makes the other so innocent, so chubby and round despite the prominent jawline on his slightly sun kissed skin “Min Yoongi.” The other snaps his dazed gaze to him and cocks his head to the side, a cute expression on his face. “Your name?” Yoongi nods, hair bobbing slightly from the movement. He leans back on the bench as he watches the other walk to sit beside him, now very aware of how small the bench was. “Yours, cutie?” He smirks, sending the other blushing even deeper as possible and he pouts angrily at the other’s obvious flirting. Yoongi was so whipped. The endearment sounds odd on his tongue but he wouldn’t mind using it if it meant he’d get to see the other being flustered.

“J-Jimin. Park Jimin. Also, stop embarrassing me. You’re taking this mind reading thing to your advantage.” Yoongi chuckles at his stuttering words and just shrugs, continuing to try and come up with more verses while he still has the time. Jimin hides his hot face in Yoongi’s cold neck and the two mingle together making Yoongi slightly shiver. Finally, Yoongi decides that he’s had enough for today (it’s already 1am) and he feels his eyes getting droopy. “Kid, I think it’s time to hit the hay.” He says, rubbing his eyes to keep himself awake, at least until he gets back home. He shivers, and this time it’s not a pleasant one. On second thought…

“Hey! I’m no kid. I’m 21!” Jimin grumbles and he pouts with what Jimin might think to be angry but it’s too cute for Yoongi to handle at ass o'clock in the morning. But he chuckles nonetheless and ruffles his blonde hair softly, ignoring the deepening pout because damn, did those lips look kissable as fuck. Stupid hormones, maybe this is what happened when you’re sleep deprived, probably. “Yoongi-ssi, so mean.” He huffs and crosses his arms standing up. Then, an idea strikes in his mind. He knows Jimin already heard it since the connection hasn’t been broken up yet because he hasn’t felt the ugly sensation of a needle pricking his brain yet, but he still decides to voice it out loud.

“You can call me hyung. And, uh, if it’s too much to ask…my roommate has been fucking his boyfriend for god knows how long and I was wondering if I could stay over your place?” He asks, then his eyes widen as he shakes his hands in front of him to dent something. “W-Wait…this is creepy, we just met…You don’t have to say yes, I was just saying…it’d be really nice.” He didn’t want to keep getting half-hard over their moaning again and not having enough sleep for his morning class at 8am, then again, who was he thinking of having a class that early? Stupid professors and packed Music major. It wasn’t his fault he got turned on easily, especially because of his non-existent sex life he was very sensitive.

Jimin giggles - fucking giggles - and it’s the most endearing thing Yoongi’s ever heard. It sounds like twinkling sounds and Jimin’s cheeks are still slightly flushed and he has a hand in front of his mouth to hide the emanating from his lips. Who has the audacity to be that cute, is it even legal? “Yes, hyung. You can stay at my place. I’m sure my roommate wouldn’t mind.” He sends him a smile that turn his eyes into half-moons and it sends Yoongi’s heart stuttering.

“Do you go to Seoul National University?” He says. They are walking to Jimin’s apartment complex and its half past one and they are walking leisurely with the moonlight shining above them, lighting up the way to the path to his homeroom. “Nope.” Jimin says, popping the 'p’. Yoongi doesn’t feel disappointed, nope. “I’m a youtuber. I post dance covers and sometimes my own choreography. Hoping to get scouted someday, not really sure. I, um, used to go to Seoul National but, money issues.” He shrugs, nonchalantly, Yoongi hums in response noticing the small hint of longing but decides not to mention it. If he wanted to tell him something important that happened in his life, then he would when he wanted to. Yoongi wasn’t the type of person to pry since he didn’t like when it was being done to himself so he just kept silent. With his hands in pockets, he stares down at the concrete, a sudden serious mood around them. “Is that your job? Or do you have another job?” He questions, fiddling with a loose string in the inside of his pocket.

“Huh? Oh yeah, I work at a corner bakery shop. It’s minimum wage, and although YouTube does pay me sometimes, I prefer to at least have that job. It pays a little over minimum since I’ve been working there for about five years, it adds up.” He nods towards Yoongi, pursing his lips in thought. He continues walking towards the path that leads to his home.

“Yeah, I guess that would be convenient. That’s me with the music shop, but I own it so I still get a little more money than the rest of my coworkers. My dad owns a chain of them so I guess I’m lucky. ” Yoongi says, looking ahead to the nearing room as they climb the stairs. The apartment wasn’t too bad, but the air was a bit stuffy. “I also make some songs and post them on YouTube but I don’t get as much hits as my hyung Zico, and my good friend Namjoon, it’s nothing much it’s mostly hip-hop and rapping.” He shrugs. Jimin squeals. “Wow, hyung! That’s very impressive. Maybe you can give me a discount or something sometimes, yeah?” He says, winking over at Yoongi who tries to hide his blush by hiding his face in his coat. “Sure…” He mumbles quietly, unsure if Jimin will hear it or not, not that he needs to anyways. They arrive to his house and Jimin unlocks the door, keys jingling as he opens the door wide open. He takes the keys out of the whole and walks inside, shivering lightly from the cold, closing it once Yoongi comes inside. Jimin smiles and doesn’t mention that he heard Yoongi’s little promise just to have some fun.

“I’ll take the couch if you want…” He says, mumbling as he scratches his head awkwardly. He wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch, after all he was the guest and he invited himself over. Of course, he would chose a bed over a sofa any day, but not today. Yoongi wasn’t exactly picky when it came to sleep, as long as he slept good, then Yoongi would be okay. But it seemed Jimin didn’t think that. “No! Hyung! You take the bed, I take the couch. You’re the guest after all, I sleep on it all the time. You need all the rest after all since you’re in college.” He shrugs, beginning to tug him into a room. “Wait - no - Jimin…L-Lets just…share the bed. I wouldn’t want you hurting your back since you’re a dancer, y'know?” He counters, wrapping his fingers around Jimin’s wrist, his fingers on his wrist send tingles where Jimin touch is. Weird. “I’d be the asshole of the century if I let an angel like you sleep on the sofa. It’s fine Minnie, really-”

Suddenly, Jimin abruptly stops. They’re in the door to his room but his head is drooped low and the grip on his wrist loosens, his fingernails scraping lightly on Yoongi’s skin in a comforting matter. “…What did you call me?” He says, not turning around. Yoongi’s eyebrows raised, oh god, did he already mess up? Was it too soon to give him a nickname? Well - they did just meet - “Minnie? If you don’t want I won’t call you that -” He’s shut up when soft chapped cherry lips press up to his cheek in a soft kiss. Jimin looks down bashfully, a pretty blush on his chubby cheeks that Yoongi adores. He cocks a brow, heart hammering in his chest, a tingling feeling on his cheek where his lips had been. It had been long since Yoongi had a hook up or a relationship let alone a crush or a love life, but he can feel the beginnings on one blossoming right this very instant. Jimin shakes his head and takes his lip between his teeth shyly. “I-its okay, hyung. I don’t mind the nickname. I think it’s cute.” Like you, he ads mentally, wiggling his eyebrows at Yoongi who just rolls his eyes, but there’s an obvious blush forming on his cheeks. Not as cute as you, Yoongi ads with a small smirk, watching as the other huffs and pouts, turning away so he can’t see the blush forming on his chubby cheeks and heading to the bed in his room, idly taking Yoongi’s wrist with him.

Suddenly, Jimin remembers something that he’s forgot to ask Yoongi about earlier when they were walking here. "Hyung, you should let me listen to some of your songs.” He’s laying down on the bed next to Yoongi, playing with his fingers on his hands placed on his lap shyly. Yoongi relishes in the warmth the other gives him when he plays with his fingers and his touches send tingles throughout him, hot trails leaving where the pads of his fingertips were. His skin was soft and his hands were tiny like that of a baby and Yoongi found it cute that he hands were so small.

He felt small pride in him that Jimin wanted to listen to some of his songs, but he wasn’t sure if they were his style. Still, he would allow him to listen if he really wanted to. “Are you sure? It might not be your style, y'know.” He whispers softly, because it’s the dead of the night and he feels if he speaks any louder he’ll break the moment. Jimin pouts, Yoongi poking a finger on top of the plump flesh of skin. “Hyung, how should you know what I like? You shouldn’t just assume. You barely even know me, heck you just met me today.” His pout deepens like a petulant child and he grabs the finger and puts in down, ignoring the deep flush of red on his cheeks at the small action. At first, Jimin wasn’t into hip hop, but then he met Hoseok who he does collaborations with on an occasional basis. He finds it easier to dance with hip-hop than contemporary sometimes, and it’s easier to switch up the style sometimes too.

“Maybe tomorrow, then. It’s getting late and if you want to sleep to music I’d doubt my spit fire is something you’d want to hear before going to bed. Especially the lyrics, he ads quietly, searching Jimin’s eyes and hoping he gets the idea. Something unreadable flashes past his eyes and all of a sudden he’s feeling the familiar feeling of a needle pricking at his brain and his vision goes unsteady for a bit, and he clutches his head, a dulling ache before it completely fades away. He turns to look at Jimin, who has a worried look in his eyes, blonde hair falling into his eyes softly. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? I didn’t know it could be dangerous getting out of someone’s mind if they had the powers too. I-I’ll be more gentle next time.” He rushes his words, clasping onto Yoongi’s hand, which sends an indescribable feeling of safety that he’s never felt before. He feels confusion but decides not to question it and decides to keep the feeling because he hasn’t felt safe in a long time and he likes it, especially if the source of the feeling is a soft person like Jimin.

He shakes his head. “Its fine, it was only a spur of the moment kind of thing, while you were dispelling the connection I guess.” He shrugs, their shoulders brushing, almost making him freeze. He looks over to Jimin, eyeing his pretty face before he shakes his head and climbs under the soft sheets. The sheets smelt like laundry detergent and faintly of something else he couldn’t place, something that reminded him of the younger boy sitting next to him, making him feel safe once again. Thankfully he had worn sweatpants to the subway so he wouldn’t be uncomfortable if situations like this happened, better to be prepared than not, right? He pats Jimin’s thigh, gesturing for him to lay down on the bed as well. He was a bit hesitant, Yoongi noticed. The hesitance flashed through his caramel eyes and he looked down to the hand on his thigh and Yoongi tried to not be so nervous at the thought of sharing a bed with someone he’s only met. It wasn’t that bad, right? He didn’t look like a serial killer, especially with those round cheeks of his that flushed when someone merely complimented him.

After a while, Jimin slowly slid down under the covers, having already put his pajamas. “Why were you out in the subway anyways? I mean, I was studying, because of course I’d be sexiled, y’know? It’s dangerous to go out alone…” he says, worry lacing his voice. Jimin shrugs, not really knowing what to say. Not even he knew why he went to the subway, he just had this strong urge leading him there, his feet moving on his own when he was going home from a movie night at his friend’s house. He just felt this pull…and so he followed it, He looks up at Yoongi through his blonde fringe and suddenly notices how close their faces are, barely an inch of space between them. Jimin gulps, Yoongi’s handsome face right in front of him. His breath fans across his lips and he shivers, round cheeks flushing slightly. Jimin thanks the lord that it’s dark in the room and that Yoongi can’t see his flush, he just didn’t know why he kept doing that around the elder when he hardly even knew him. Well…Jimin knew this wasn’t true, but he couldn’t tell the other that just yet.

He sighs and looks away to his eyes just as his gaze had started travelling downwards, a familiar feeling of heat pooling low in his stomach. Not now, he thinks, cursing under his breath. He’s thankful that he had cut off the connection or else Yoongi would’ve already figured him out and he’d know right away. But he can’t tell him the truth, not yet. Not when he’s finally found him after all this time. He wants to relish the time they have together before he has to go back, before he has to go back to that god awful school where he actually has to do something about the evil villain in their story. For now, he wants time, just this once, to spend it with Yoongi, because he’d missed him so much after he’d been banned from their world. But Jimin was going to bring him back whether they liked it or not. Memories flash before him of past events between them and his heart stutters, remembering Yoongi’s promise right before he was banned, almost as if he knew what would happen.

Snapping out of his reverie before he got suspicious, Jimin shot Yoongi an eye smile, the one’s he knew he loved. Sure enough, through the darkness as his eyes adjusted, Jimin saw a faint blush appear on his pale cheeks, letting out a soft giggle, the sound soft like wind chimes. “Dunno, I guess. Just felt like taking a walk. I was walking home from a movie night with my friends. They were starting to get touchy so I left.” Jimin’s nose scrunches in disgust as he remembers seeing how Taehyung not so discreetly slide his palm down Jungkook’s crotch who had gasped so loudly, it was impossible to keep JImin right from his spot and wait patiently till the movie ended before he all but ran out of there and bid his goodbyes to the sappy couple. They were the cutest couple Jimin’s ever known but they could be so disgusting sometimes with their hands it made Jimin wretch in his stomach, but he wasn’t rude enough to just up and leave so he braced it until he couldn’t take it anymore.

Taehyung and Jungkook had been together before Yoongi and Jimin could either confess and Jimin lost a bet to Hoseok because of it. All of his friends had followed him here to this separate universe to help him find Yoongi, and he was grateful. Though, sometimes they could get a little…inappropriate. Jimin tries to fight the images from his mind that he’s accidentally caught. It…sort of turns him on a little especially because he’s, well, lonely. But he doesn’t jack off to it, nope. Especially not to images of

Yoongi he’s caught a glimpse of through the busy Seoul crowd. But it’s only bit a mere 5 seconds before the mop of black hair is got again, leaving Jimin to deal with his loneliness by himself again. But…But now, he’s got him all here, so close but so, so far away. Jimin’s spacing out again but he shakes his head, blinking slightly. “O-Oh…Still, you shouldn’t be walking out in the night alone. Especially someone as cute you. Many predators out there and stuff, you’re lucky none of them have done anything to you.” He mumbles, eyes closing. Jimin wonders if he’s fallen asleep and he reaches out to gently brush his index finger across his cheekbone, holding his breath. He doesn’t seem to be asleep, but he also doesn’t see him doing anything to stop Jimin. His breath hitches as he fully cups his cheek gently with his right palm, cheeks flushing deeper. Back home, he remember when he used to do this. To lay in bed with Yoongi after hard work out days, or simply just a long day. They would cuddle, maybe kiss a little, and they would love each other without knowing it. Jimin then knew what had to be done, he’d swore he’d get everything back to normal and fix what had to be fixed so he and Yoongi could properly be together. His eyes feel wet with unshed tears and before he knows it, he’s crying.

Yoongi freezes up slightly, hearing the slight whimpers escaping Jimin’s parted lips. Yoongi cracks an eye open, and then opens both up, slight panic and worry showing in his eyes. Jimin’s heart warms slightly because he can see it through his blurry vision, but he presses a finger to Yoongi’s mouth, who’s parted ready to speak. “Shh…Don’t ask. Just, can…can you h-hold me? Please? I know it might be weird since we just met but- I need to be held right now.” He whimpers out, body curling in slightly.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, just wraps his arms around Jimin as he obeys him, confusion and questions on the tip of his tongue. He buries his nose in Jimin’s hair, smelling it softly, relaxing at the familiar smell. He decides not to question it and welcomes the comforting feeling of the other’s arms wrapped around his own frame.

They stay there for a bit, until Yoongi’s sure Jimin’s tired himself out from crying so much and so hard, and he hears his breathing even out. Even then, the grip on his waist never loosens its grip, almost as if he thought Yoongi would disappear if he didn’t hold on tightly. Yoongi smiles sadly at that, kissing Jimin’s head and then he too, falls asleep. His dreams are invaded of a certain eye smile and round chubby cheeks and tiny hands curling around his own slightly bigger ones as they watch the sunset over the ocean, blurry images fading in and out as Yoongi sleeps in the quiet room, only the sounds of two people’s soft breathing could be heard in the darkness.

#bts #yoonmin #namjin #taekook #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3

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livingwithbpdsince1997 · 4 years

Text

A Day With BPD

It’s 5am. I still haven’t slept from the previous day. All my thoughts of the day, and the following day, and the day after that, and a year from now, and 5 years from now, and 20 years from now, are cycling around my head. What if I’ve left it too late to have kids? What if my mother disapproves of the choices I’ve made? What if my partner is not the one suited to me, and I’m just settling because it’s mostly good? What if my therapist disapproves of my choices? What if I’m really unlikable and nobody ever actually likes me, and instead just tolerates me because I’m useful? What if I turn out just like my mother – narcissistic, abusive, unloved by her children, disapproving of every action they take? What if I die alone? What if I die in my sleep tonight? And that’s just the common ones. There's so much more I could list here.

It’s 2pm. I’ve finally woken up. My dreams were all nightmares, or just manifestations of my shame, guilt and anger, so I’m not even well rested. And I’m already hating myself for wasting the day. I’m already hating the fact that I’m still exhausted, and I don’t have the energy, because I should be normal, right? It’s just a mental illness, not a physical one, right? And now I feel like crying because I’m so dysfunctional, I can’t even take some well-deserved rest on a day I’m not doing anything without beating myself up about it. Now my bladder is screaming at me, and the bathroom seems so far away. That makes me angrier and more upset because I can’t even get a two second break from my bladder.

Once my bladder is sorted, I think about eating food. But no! BPD doesn’t want sustenance! It marks all the places I’m flabby and pokes at my stomach as if to say “Are you sure you need more food? You’re already overweight anyway...”, and when I go to brush my hair, I can see it in the mirror. The chubby face, the stomach that hangs over my pants, the thighs that wobble like jelly when I walk, the faint stretch marks that seem to become darker and darker the longer I look. Why should I eat? I’m big enough as it is. Maybe not eating will force my body to break down some of the fat.

It’s 3pm. I should shower, brush my teeth, and at least put clothes on. But I don’t have the energy for that. My boyfriend isn’t coming around. I’m not seeing anyone today. I’ll get away with it for today. So, I let my BPD win... for now. I wash armpits and face with a baby wipe, put antiperspirant on, brush my teeth quickly (because 2 minutes seems like hours, and 30 seconds-1 minute is better than not at all). And then the shame starts. “You can’t even keep yourself clean, you failed as a human, you should be in the shower getting clean, you didn’t brush your teeth for long enough, you’re still not dressed, your dressing gown isn’t clothes, why are you doing this to yourself, your boyfriend is going to think you’re disgusting...” my thoughts whisper to me, a constant background noise.

Now it’s 4pm. Yes, just getting myself “clean” and in a dressing gown took me an hour. My TV goes on. But I can’t concentrate. Nothing captures my attention. My life is just constant boredom, looking for any relief. And at the moment I finally lose myself in a game or TV series? The shame comes back. “You’re wasting your life, staring at screens, consuming content by binging, rushing through video games, all so you don’t flip out and break things.” Because that’s the flip side to boredom. Stay bored too long, and the anger comes out. I get angry that I can’t concentrate, I get angry that nothing is good enough to keep my attention, I get angry that I can’t do video games, I get angry that nothing on Facebook is interesting today, I get angry that all I do is sit in my room because anything else is too taxing.

It's 5pm. I hate that I can’t live a normal life. I think about the working week, when I’ll have to go to therapy, and I want to cry. I have to quit because getting up at 7am after not falling asleep until 5am is too little sleep, and the 45-minute train costing £8.30 is too expensive and too loud and triggers me to have sensory overload, which leaves me at a risk of disassociating in public. Then the 20-minute walk makes me want to cry. It hurts too much, and I go further into sensory overload due to the traffic, and the sounds of the shops, and the smells, and the constant, constant chatter of people. Then I’ll arrive at therapy and everyone is crammed into a small room, and there’s chatter, and several people are trying to get my attention, and.... it’s not even worth it. Constant sensory overload for 5 hours is not going to help, no matter how useful the therapy will be. And now the shame starts again. “What if you’re just being lazy? That’s what they're going to think. They’re going to think you’re lazy and just don’t want to do it because the sensory overload and lack of sleep makes you exhausted and you still haven’t bounced back from it nearly 5 days later.” But I know it’s the right choice, and of course that increases the shame. I feel ashamed that I’m making a choice for myself, and not for what other people want and think. I’m ashamed that I can’t attend the appointments because it’s too difficult for me. I’m ashamed that in order to be better, I have to not attend therapy and find a different way to go to therapy.

It's 8pm. I realise I got lost in my thoughts. Maybe I disassociated, I don’t know. I still haven’t eaten, because I don’t want to get fatter than I already am. My stomach rumbles, but I try to ignore it. I look at the TV and just keep staring at it. I change to a music channel and attempt to do physical things, like read a book, do crochet, do puzzles. But now I’ve noticed my stomach, it’s all I can think about. So, I make food. Just a small amount. Oven stuff, because if I attempt to stand and cook, I’ll just end up criticising myself, putting myself down because if I can do it today, why don’t I do it every day? Oh, yeah... because I don’t have the energy. Once the food is done, my anger comes back. Why can’t I just live normally and make food everyday like everyone else does? I could cook pasta, or curry, make my own shepherd's pie, instead of living off frozen shite every day. I pick at my food, not really hungry anymore, because I know it’s not helping my weight issues.

It’s 9pm. I realise I’ve not spoken to anyone today, and maybe social time would be good. So, I message my friends, message my boyfriend. 5 minutes passes. 10 minutes, then 15 and 20. No response. Now the abandonment creeps in... “I told you they don’t like you, they’ve read your messages and not responded, they’re obviously too busy for you, they don’t want to hear about your sad pathetic life where you don’t do anything and you’re constantly upset, who wants to hear you go on and on about your sad life that’s going nowhere? Not a single one of them wants to hear it, and that’s why they don’t like you... You’re sad, pathetic, and destined to be alone.” After about 10 minutes of this, one of them replies. IMMEDIATE EUPHORIA – Of course they like you, they want to be your friend, of course your boyfriend loves you! But after a brief conversation, you’re being ignored again.

It’s 10pm. Everyone is either working, or getting ready for bed. More mindless Netflix/YouTube binging or playing video games. Show after show after show after show after show. Video after video after video after video. Battle after battle after battle. Quest after quest after quest. 11pm comes and goes, as does 12am, in the same boredom induced catatonic state of repetitive things.

1am arrives. Now the paranoia starts. What if someone breaks in? Did I lock the door? Should I lock my bedroom door? What if I get food poisoning? Did I cook that food long enough? What if my life is really going nowhere? What am I really attempting to do? And then the existential crisis comes. What is our purpose on Earth? Why do we live? What is the purpose of life? Why do we only get so long on Earth? What happens when we die? A circling thought process, doomed to repeat for a couple of hours.

Now at 3am, I’m ready for sleep. But my mind just won’t shut off. So, I take my medication, or I smoke a joint and get high and just wait. And the next two hours are hell. From 3am to 5am, I get into my comfy positions, I listen to meditation app, I relax and try to fall asleep. But my mind just won’t stop still. My thoughts keep racing, and suddenly...

It’s 5am. I still haven’t slept from the previous day. All my thoughts of the day, and the following day, and the day after that, and a year from now, and 5 years from now, and 20 years from now, are cycling around my head. What if I’ve left it too late to have kids? What if my mother disapproves of the choices I’ve made? What if my partner is not the one suited to me, and I’m just settling because it’s mostly good? What if my therapist disapproves of my choices? What if I’m really unlikeable and nobody ever actually likes me, and instead just tolerates me because I’m useful? What if I turn out just like my mother – narcissistic, abusive, unloved by her children, disapproving of every action they take? What if I die alone? What if I die in my sleep tonight? And that’s just the common ones. There's so much more I could list here.

And that’s just one day in the life of someone with BPD. Imagine going through that every single day.

#bpd #actually bpd #bpd mood #living with borderline #real life with bpd #relatable

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rachelsmithson · 7 years

Text

Just how much can I date someone who I’m not “dating”? #SENDHELP

Good god, back for my daily dose of drama in the currently ever-so-boring life of me, myself, and I. I guess I probably have a lot to update you on if you follow me fairly consistently on here, considering I pretty much fell off the grid in the last 6 months. Yeah, about that... Truly my most sincerest apologies. I really needed to make it through the end of my final undergrad year and, while I truly value my creative juices, I’m afraid every last drop of it was used to will me through the end of my last year. Good news though- those years are over and I’ve sworn to myself that I’m never going to spend any form of any type of extended period in my life doing something I don’t want to do. USC Business School anyone? Yeah that’s what I’m talking about.

But that’s all you really need to know about that, so quickly moving on...I’m going to skip you guys right up to today, and I’ll fill in the blanks as we go along.

Remember Conrad? Well the name hits a little too close to home and so I think we are going to call him Oliver. Although that does sound very English. Which actually, on second thought, now seems ideal since he is South African and Irish. So today I decided it’s time for me to find a way to break this up nicely. Wait. Did you just read that right? As in drop him?

Yes, yes, yes hear me out. Things smoothed out over the spring thanks to our many genuine conversations over winter break that clearly needed to happen. So after a number of conversations over winter break, we finally were able to chill out for a couple months. Until he pissed me off at Ultra in March and then I got over him and then when he kissed me when I saw him in April I fell all over again. Okay. So, it’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride. But we are both still on it, which blows my mind. Well at least I thought we were.

My graduation was on May 17th, and Ollie was supposed to come home then. That night. We hadn’t seen each other in two months and despite how stubborn the both of us can be, we had gotten to the point where we were texting back and forth, “I miss you”. Exactly, 20 minutes after our plane landed in the U.S., I received a message from him, “Is someone back in America?” Suffice to say, we were excited to see each other.

However, things got real choppy real quickly. I smoked with my friend Alex as I always do when I return from vacation. Then I went over to say hi to my other friends- Andy and Charlie- who I haven’t seen in ages. Charlie was back in town before being deployed out to Newport Beach for training camp, so I especially wanted to make sure I got to say hi to him.

As I had been texting Ollie on the way back from the airport, I learned that two of his housemates from school were staying with him for the weekend. Cool- I had met them before and I liked his housemates- Awesome. I met up with them out at the bars, but was too tired to drink. That night, twice, Conrad called himself my boyfriend. And that was the beginning of the great fall of the domino wall.

It drove me nuts. It’s been driving me nuts. How could he do that to me?! He knows I’ve been wanting to be in a relationship with him now since last summer. You can’t just say you don’t want to be in a relationship and then just start calling yourself my boyfriend without even asking me about it. Of course I was pissed. And to top it off, when I asked him about it after we had gotten back to his house and hooked up, he laughed, claimed he and the guy made “friendly conversation”. I called him on his bullshit and he just pulled me closer, and murmured “friendly conversation” in my ear as we dozed off.

But of course this was going to keep bugging me, because who would it not bug. When I finally talked to him about it, he chalked it up to me “making too big of a deal out of it” and that he had done it simply to get that “creepy guy” away from us. Coward. What a fucking coward. That hurt. You think I couldn’t read right through that. But seriously WHO DOES THAT? So instead of owning what he said, he pretty much told me I was overthinking it. It kept bugging me so I kept bringing it up until I more or less said, “look just don’t say it unless it’s true”. At which point he responded, “Understood”.

But since my little freak out at him, things haven’t been the same and I’m wondering if I’m to blame for it. I can’t figure this guy out at all. He invites me to his grandparent’s christmas eve party to meet them. His mom knows I sleep over (he actually told me this past weekend that his mom is cool with me sleeping over but doesn’t want him having random girls in his bed. Like oh okay cool, your mom is on my side) and is only okay with it because it is me. I’ve met both of his parents. He’s told me tons about his family. And even when I was with him last weekend, he was kissing the back of my head and stroking my hair. He had his arm around me and at one point had my head in his lap (face up, not face down. Get your mind out of the gutter!). But what does all of that matter if the only hours we see each other are between 1am and 7am on Sunday morning? WHAT IS THAT BULLSHIT?! Are you freaking kidding me? It doesn’t matter how into a girl you act, if those are the only hours you’ll hang out with her, shes a booty call. A straight booty call.

But it’s been driving me nuts. We’ve only hung out once when it wasn’t between the hours of 2am to 6am and I practically had to go to his place to get him. We watched a movie and hooked up and even then he didn’t seem that into it. Well I mean the sex part, yes but otherwise he just didn’t seem to care.

He’s got some other stuff going on in his life- family and otherwise- but that’s not an excuse for why he cannot find a single daylight hour to spend with me and if he likes me, then this shouldn’t be this difficult. And I finally realized this is going to haunt me down to Miami if I don’t do something about it and I don’t want that. The point of moving was to get away from all the leftover bullshit that hangs in our town. And all the other extra problems or drama. I texted him on Monday about playing tennis (something we had talked about Sunday) and then I was like, “Can you do wednesday 11am-1pm?” and he was like I’m not sure I’ll check. So Tuesday night rolls around and I text him, “I’ll take that as a no”. And he had the balls to text back “Hm, not necessarily” at like 12am. Unreal like how rude. What the hell? So at around 2pm today, I messaged him asking if he could swing by and that I wanted to talk, saying I would make it quick. He got back to me short and sweet- “hey sorry was working what’s up?”. To which I replied, “I figured. Not much. I’d like to talk to you in person at some point when we are both preferably sober and it isn’t 1am. As I said I’ll make it quick”.

For those of you wondering, here’s what I want to say:

“Hey this has been fun and all but when I’m down in Miami, and you’re down there, I don’t want to be your Saturday night girl who you only hit up between the hours of 2am and 6am. I have so much more to offer and want to be so much more to someone else I’m involved with and I just worry we aren’t on the same page. The only time we ever see each other is between 2am and 6am on Sunday morning and I’m starting to feel like a wet rag...wring it out, use it again, wring it out, use it again, etc. and its a really shitty feeling. I’m not asking you to be in a relationship with me, but if you care and want to keep doing this, I’m down but i want to actually spend time with you. And if all you want is a saturday night girl, you should probably find a new girl”.

Harsh? Maybe. But I’m feeling like shit also don’t forget. And it sucks even worse for me because I really like him and I think he only kind of likes me. And that just blows. The real question is if he will even get back to me. I’m worried he won’t have the balls to, which only makes me want to ditch him even more. We all knew this was going to happen eventually. My friend George thinks that Ollie and I will figure it out. He seems to be in a healthy positive mindset about the whole thing. Meanwhile, I’m freaking because I’m worried I’m going to loose this guy. Crap who even knows what will happen....Stay tuned my lovely followers. I’ll make sure to provide a play-by-play when I get the chance.

xxR

#love #romance #bottycall #boy #girl #dating #notdating #conversations #update

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