#mixedepisode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rubyxntp · 3 years

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the physical side of bp2

I can’t focus.

So much of my identity comes from having a brain that makes connections quickly and that can do detailed, quality work. But in a mixed episode, I feel like my brain makes a connection and then drops it immediately. My work is shit. I don’t make sense to myself, much less anyone else. And I have this gut feeling that everything is wrong, that I’m wrong, that life is worthless. I would say, “at least I’m aware of it” - but awareness doesn’t make it go away. Self-injury is par for the course at this point, the fourth or fifth deep cut on my left arm a side effect of chaos.

Before this mixed episode, I was in a wonderful hypomania. Productive under pressure. Kind. Gregarious. As a teacher and techie, I was helping everyone at work and managing my classes with detail. And my anger at the whole coronavirus situation? I channeled it into piano lessons. I was playing challenging pieces and working on technique as an outlet to my rage, and it was certainly a pleasant one. Don’t get me wrong - I was stressed as all get-out. The coronavirus has ruined our lives. But compared to everyone around me, I felt like I was handling everything well. Every time I get like this, I start to believe that this is “me”. I feel like I’m worth something. I feel like a good person. I feel good at my job.

I’ve been through this enough times that I have felt at least some pride in all episodes of the self-awareness I have. But this time through, because of how I channeled my focus - the piano - in the last hypomanic episode, I am much more aware of how even my fine motor skills are drastically hampered.

I trip over keys. My fingers trip over each other. I give up and re-start the measure over and over again. My sense of time is warped, so who knows how many times it’s been at this point. I can’t focus enough on the piano music but my muscle memory isn’t serving me well. The piece I had memorized feels like a puzzle that’s still there, but broken apart.

Even typing now, I’m making far more mistakes. I have to go back, fix my errors. I’m typing more slowly because any attempt at speed just brings too many errors to even fix. Proofreading is done in short spurts, not at the sentence level, so I have to re-read and re-read and re-read.

My foot is twitching. That’s unlike me.

My husband comes by to see what I’m doing. I push down the screen and kiss him. I haven’t told him yet how bad it is this time, but it’s not unprecedented. He’ll know when I tell him sometime today or tomorrow - I’m shit at keeping secrets anyway. I’m not a drinker (less than once a month, maybe - alcohol usually makes me sick), but I want a drink. It’s 10am. I’ll probably wait until he goes to work at 2. I know from experience that the relief I got from the cut last night doesn’t work a second night in a row. It’s like my body rejects having too much to heal.

I just want my fingers to calm. I want to focus. To pour my stupid, not-real depression out into the piano, but my fingers aren’t doing what they did just a couple weeks ago.

I want to ask someone, “What are alternatives to cutting to make your body stop being a shaky, disorganized mess?”, but there’s no one to ask. And given that the going rate is one per mixed episode, it’s not worth the risk. I just have to ride the wave, again.

#bpd2 #bipolar #bipolar2 #bipolardisorder #mixedepisode

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roquesox · 3 years

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they're EXTREMES; not opposites

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fcked-up-sometimes · 4 years

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This is for everyone who I’ve met who says there isn’t stigma around mental illness because “everyone is always talking about it”.

What symptom/s do you have that aren’t socially acceptable to talk about?

For my bipolar it is

• Having no filter/ boundaries with strangers (when manic)

• Being reckless and impulsive, because I’m obviously invincible 🙄 (when manic)

• Rage and agitation (when having a manic/ mixed episode)

• Lack of hygiene: not showering, changing my clothes or cleaning my teeth (when really manic, mixed or depressed)

• Isolating myself, being unreliable and always the sad one (when depressed)

• Psychosis (at my worst during any mood episode)

• Being hospitalised involuntarily (during manic, mixed or depressive episodes)

• Harming myself or trying to end it (when depressed or during a mixed episode)

• Loss of insight “how can’t you understand that you weren’t well”

For my eating disorder it is

• Having am eating disorder at all weights... surely I can’t still have an eating disorder and be in a bigger body 🤦‍♀️

• Wasting money on food that I would go and b/p

• The physical affects that having an eating disorder can cause - like my hair thinning when I had bulimia and losing my period and being freezing when I was anorexic. It’s not pretty

• Having times when you don’t want to recover

For my anxiety it is

• Being the inconvenient one who can’t ‘just catch a train’ because of crippling anxiety so stays home

• Random panic attacks

• Not having a reason for the fear

• And yes still struggling *even* though it’s been ages

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manic-megalomaniac-blog · 5 years

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I wrecked my sleep rythm

If what I had before it would even be classified as one.

Now my mixed episode ass is sitting around at 10.30pm and contemplating whether we’re going to try to sleep or just skip sleep altogether. We woke at 6pm. The suicidality never slept. Help.

#bipolar #sleep #depression #suicidal #suicidality #suicide #mixedepisode

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provokingdrama · 2 years

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"Oceana" c.2007 acrylic on canvasboard, 20"×24". This I did for fun. I was either in a rare good mood or I was in the midst of a mixed episode (if my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder is correct - I honestly don't know, i get diagnosed with this AND schizophrenia 🤷‍♀️) as my grandma was dying and i was in a lot of pain, yet I was also very happy and the paintings were prolific. Almost one a day, they were very easy to do. The content was different too, happier yet at other times very morbid (in direct reference to my grandma's ongoing terminal illness). Anyway, hope you enjoy! #art #rainbow #oceana #ocean #woman #happiness #mixedepisode #hypomania #depressiveepisode #schizophrenia #schizoaffectivedisorder #schizoaffective #whatsmydiagnosis? #acrylics #acrylicart #surrealart #colorful #acrylicpainting #visionaryart #outsiderart #lowbrowart #igart #igartist #instagramart #yegartist #mentalhealthawareness #schizoaffectiveawareness https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDdOTQPLDl/?utm_medium=tumblr

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butterfliesandburnmarks · 3 years

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I’ve been neglecting this page. Mixed episodes are hard- especially when your body isn’t cooperating with existing. 😬😅🙃🙃. Prepare for photo dump. #bipolar #bipolarawareness #bipolardisoder #mixedepisode #cronicillness #invisibleillness #stillcruisin https://www.instagram.com/p/CNyt7f5Fzky/?igshid=1jql2pommig0w

#bipolar #bipolarawareness #bipolardisoder #mixedepisode #cronicillness #invisibleillness #stillcruisin

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entrance-to-the-soul · 3 years

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Look like shit, feel like shit. This is what Bipolar and ED does to you! I’m so tired of everything, of every damn thing. I just an existence. A hollow vessel going through this space called life. Well please let me crash.

#fuckyoued #mentalhealthawareness #bipolarawareness #bipolardepression #mixedepisode #mental health #eatingdisorderedlife

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raisedonguilttrips-blog · 6 years

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Today I thought about how easy and pleasant it'd be to just take some sleeping pills, maybe a little too many, and just go to sleep and that being the end of all things. I don't know what i am feeling lately, but I can feel it getting bad again.

#triggerwarning #suicidal #bipolar #mixedepisode #mental illness #depression #please be safe

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fabianolflucas-blog · 4 years

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#Repost @theoriginal_michaelpieter • • • • • • #Repost @bipolarcoaster_ (with @report.for.insta) ... This is literally my brain 🙄 #bipolarbrain #bipolar #bipolardisoder #bipolar1 #bipolar2 #mentalillness #bipolarawareness #bipolardepression #mania #hypomania #mixedepisode (at Miramar.BsAs) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-deLO9DlIT/?igshid=1bcm19skytm0g

#repost #bipolarbrain #bipolar #bipolardisoder #bipolar1 #bipolar2 #mentalillness #bipolarawareness #bipolardepression #mania #hypomania #mixedepisode

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stephanieawmartin · 4 years

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#mixedepisode days consist of high #depression and high #mania. #bipolar and #borderlinepersonalitydisorder patients can experience this type of mood and behavorial anomaly. It sucks donkey dongs. All the energies and all the depressies, I have since called it. @stephanieawmartin #stephanieawmartin #poetess #redefiningtheparadigm #writepublishing #mentalillnessisreal #depressive #wordswagapp #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetryofinstagram #writerscommunity #writing #amwriting #writingpoetry #writerssociety #poetssociety #writersofinstagram #creative #creativecommumity #mentalhealthawareness I stand in #solidarity with my brothers and sisters with #mentalillness. #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #letstalkaboutmentalhealth (at Coralville, Iowa) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7d68zOFtqX/?igshid=li642i1gchze

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jax-bayne · 5 years

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Trying to purge the toxicity of this past week's poor choices with some healthy meals today. Had a blip in the recovery process, but that's why it's a process. I'm not gonna be perfect immediately or never mess up at all. Part of life. Just taking one day at a time <3 . #babysteps #healthiswealth #recovery #mentalillness #hypomania #depression #mania #mixedepisode #bipolar #bpd #borderline #personalitydisorder #selfdestruction #autism #ibs #eatclean #foodporn #lactoveg #vegetarian #animalsarefriendsnotfood #health (at Bellingham, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/Byl0zJYhWDk/?igshid=1qllip22r9vw1

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fcked-up-sometimes · 4 years

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Creating a bipolar playlist

What songs remind you of mania, depression or bipolar disorder as a whole?

Thinking of creating a playlist 🎶

Got any ideas?

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bawarementally · 5 years

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Bipolar with Mixed Features (formerly Mixed Episodes) #bipolar #bipolarmixedepisode #bipolarmixedfeatures #mixedepisode #mixedfeatures #dsm5 #depression #depressionwithmania #hypermania https://www.instagram.com/p/BsOwLi_nPlj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uk0visoned08

#bipolar #bipolarmixedepisode #bipolarmixedfeatures #mixedepisode #mixedfeatures #dsm5 #depression #depressionwithmania #hypermania

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someshittydrawings · 5 years

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#bipolar #mentalhealth #highsandlows #split #mixedepisodes #drawings

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tohelland--backagain · 7 years

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this gnarly episode is fucking kicking my ass and fighting against the suicidal route is hard as fuck. i already have professional help, im already medicated, but these episodes STILL happen, and they happen strongly like a fucking hurricane, and im trying the weather the storm the best i can without giving into the impulsions its whispering in my head. Just pray it goes by quickly. At least i have moments of lucidity, and even though they weren't used for physical pain, the opiates numbed me enough to have longer periods of lucidity. hopefully i can just sleep this off and tomorrow, this will be behind me. i needed to do something before I was lost completely. #depressed #mixedepisode #broken #sobriety #opiates #fuck #yikes #pain #impulsions #bipolar #episode #mental #mentalillness #mi #fits #mentalfit #fighting #thisishard #diagnosed #struggling #tired #emotional #pleaseend #makeitstop #suffering #goaway #imdone

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theladywhocantbemoved-blog1 · 6 years

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Feelings #01

Have u ever feel deep blue after being so happy? Everytime na sumasaya ako, dumadating 'yung gabi na mararamdaman ko 'yung lungkot. Sobrang lungkot.. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling 'yung lungkot na 'yon. Hanggang sa magself-pity ako, I feel like hurting myself— just because. And after that mawawala lahat mg emotion ko. I really hate being happy, it drags me down into darkness.. real quick!!

My emotion is being a bitch. One moment I'm elated then one snap I'm feeling blue.

It makes me hate myself even more. I don't know if I'm the only one, but for sure I'm not.

So random.

Minsan gusto ko naman maranasan na maging masaya ng hindi nangangamba na after malulungkot ako. People have tried cheering me up, giving me hopes, giving advice.... But none of it worked.

At the end of the day, darkness is all I got. Darkness is my friend.

As of now nasa state ako ng pagseself-pity. Minsan nakakasura lalo na pag nagkukwento pa ako ng ganito. Until when ako magiging ganito? Natatakot ako na nasasanay na ako, na nagugustuhan ko na 'to. My brain is a mess.. I'm nearly becoming literally crazy. I really need this kind of medium to express everything. Am also afraid that nobody might get me. When everything attacks me. Such a mess.

I hate it!

Hate myself

Hate everything

#mixedepisode #sad #darkness #randomness #feelings #self pity #i hate everything

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