nothing hurts me more than coming on here and seeing people i genuinely care about, whether i know them well or not, talking about how no one likes them and mentions of suicide and stuff.
i get it, we all have things going on in life, and what those things are is none of my business, so i wont pry into it, but the thing is that i care a LOT about ALL of you, my mutuals whom i hardly know, the silly little people who show up on my dash every once in awhile that make me smile, the ones i talk to who ive known for not even a week, each and every one of you are super special to me. everyone on tumblr is.
if you think no one cares about you, think of me. if you think no one would cry if you were gone, think of me. if you ever feel down, or feel like giving up, think of me. if you ever need anything for any reason whatsoever, think of me, im always gonna be here for each and every one of you. even the ones i dont know, or barely know, you all will always be special to me.
it just really hurts to see people on here who think horrid things about themselves, and constantly drag themselves through the dirt when they are so much more than that. we're all one big family here on tumblr, we all mean something to someone, and you all mean something to me.
please guys, just try. try for that one stranger on tumblr who cares about you so much because you are special. you are loved. and we care. i care.
But the realization it's a completely different art than what I'm used to has put a damper on the creative process of it. It's a challenge I'm not used to; Painting an image with words and not actual images.
It's beautiful when I read some of the things others wrote; Its amazing to see they have such a fire still going!!
I don't want to give up, but I am in such a dumpster of my own mind and worry, that I'll think about it and go; 'No, that doesn't seem like a good read.' Or I'll reread parts of my stories and go; 'Oh... No... I shouldn't have done it that way.'
Hopefully, I'll get out of this slump... But until then, guess I'll try and get back into doodles.
I started going through books on my shelves yesterday, mostly going on vibes and whether something is rereadable. I packed up a box of donations, separated the “read then discard” pile, arranged a Filipiniana shelf and a beloved faves shelf, and rearranged some art supplies, even throwing out a few things. Then I ran out of steam before I could tackle the mess that is my notebook hoard (both used and unused).
Today my typical chore is to clean the litter box (maybe after lunch). I am running the robot vacuum up in my room and will see about tackling the rest of the shelves a little at a time.
Note to self: maybe hold off on getting new print books for a while. At least until I tackle some of those “read then discard” books.
Second note to self: will tackle my closet next weekend and then maybe it’s time to book a donation pickup.
I try to keep my blog positive, in the spirit of that after my moan about anxiety last night. I wanted to share something that helped me.
Cyclizine.
TW: Depression. Intrusive thoughts of suicide.
Christmas can be a really bad time for me. Last Christmas was really, really bad. I walked about like Scrooge being haunted by anxieties of the past, present, and future. I could barely sleep. My stomach was in knots, so I barely ate or drank. This made everything worse.
I was so low that I was having intrusive thoughts about how my child's life would be so much better without a mum that was broken.
I pulled myself up and decided to get some help. I knew everything would seem better if I could settle my stomach (and get it to make some serotonin), so I went to my chemist and asked for something to help. I paid £1.27 for a box of cyclizine. It started to have an effect immediately. Within a few days, I was back to normal after a week of barely clinging on to my sanity. Of having my own body betray me and thinking the only way out I had was one I'll never choose.
Anyway, today is a bad day, so I'll take my cyclizine. I'll eat what I can. I'll try to be present in whatever gives my brain peace. I'll remember that I'm needed and loved by someone who is my whole world.
It's not fair that some of us have to live like this. To be at war with our brains and feel like we're less than what we are. If you're struggling today, please just keep going.
You are loved. You have a place in this world even if it doesn't feel like it. Life can change for the better so quickly. Just give it a chance.