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lovclyboncs · 3 years

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Everything I Wanted 2/2 (F!Reader x Todoroki)

soulmate Au! Where your soulmate tattoo appears on your wrist after you touch your soulmate for the first time.

F!reader x Todoroki

F!Reader x Bakugou (brotp)

Plot: the reader is Todoroki’s soulmate. Todoroki rejected reader because he thought he was in love with Momo and didn’t want to let fate dictate his life. Now the two of them have a conversation that was long over due.

Part one

Before getting on with the story I want to give a huge thanks to everyone who reblogged and liked part one, it means the world to me that there is people out there who enjoyed my writing, and a big thank you to @dillybuggg and to @power-house-fan12 for encouraging me to write another part sending so much love to you guys!!! 💗💗💗

“Someday?”

“Someday.”

"Todoroki-san, I met my soulmate."

"oh."

" I think we should come clean to our classmates, i really want to see where this goes"

Todoroki couldn’t blame her. They were foolish to think their puppy love could stand strong against fate.

Todoroki and Momo had been walking on eggshells around each other during their first year at UA. They were attracted to each other even though they weren’t each other’s destined partner. Trust them they checked, they had been so hopeful only for it to crumble when their left wrists were still void of black Ink even after they had their first kiss.

They had been laying low with their blossoming relationship until the fateful day Shoto and (y/n) first touched.

Shoto didn’t know what to think of (l/n). She didn’t stand out as a person or a hero in training, so when they were paired up on a project there seemed to be a never ending silence between them, with his lack of social skills and her lack of- well everything they didn’t even know where to begin. After a couple of awkward questions about what they wanted to do, they were able to get started, and he thought then that (l/n) wasn’t so bad, but when he dropped his pencil and they both reached for it, that’s when it all went south. He remembers the stinging feeling he felt on his wrist and couldn’t help flinching at the uncomfortable sensation.

He didn’t need to look at his wrists to know what had happened and he didn’t need to think twice before grabbing his things and giving a quiet excuse for his sudden need to be very far away from (l/n).

It wasn’t until he was locked away safely in his room that he dared look at his wrist, and there it was in bold black ink, in a surprisingly illegible yet legible font, how does someone achieve that? ‘(Y/n) (l/n)’.

He’s not quite sure how long he stared at it, but he knows that by the time he was able to organize his thoughts there were birds chirping out side welcoming the new day.

He had rejected her.

She had been okay with it.

He didn’t tell Momo who his soulmate was, but he did tell her that he didn’t want to continue hiding their relationship. What was stopping them from sharing their happiness with the rest of the class? Momo believed they would be looked down on for not waiting on their soulmates. It wasn’t common for people to date anyone who wasn’t their soulmate, it was even more uncommon to reject a soulmate, but look at him, he did it and he was perfectly fine- they were perfectly fine.

Momo was the one who came up with the idea to draw on their soulmate tattoos, unaware of the fact that there already was a name on Todoroki’s wrist, unaware of the pain she was causing to that other half.

Coming clean to their classmates had gone surprisingly well, and Todoroki wasn’t sure how he felt about that, about that fact that (y/n) didn’t yell or question him on the why.

Why had he lied?

Why had he covered her up like she was something not worth looking at?

Why did he rub his relationship in her face?

Why not give them a chance if he was gonna chase something temporary?

Instead she had looked him in the eyes and gifted him a soft smile.

After everyone had scattered around the common area after their announcement, Todoroki decided to sit outside and take a breather.

He couldn’t help but sigh.

Thinking back to the day he and (y/n) first touched, he wished he hadn’t been such a coward.

He wished he had given her a chance to speak, because looking back now he realized that he did all the talking, he called all the shots not giving her a say in the matter.

She followed his wishes and yet he can’t help but want to be selfish and take it all back.

He had been wrong to think she had been lacking anything because she was everything. She was perfect to him, for him.

He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him.

Fate had told him she was his, a gift from the universe to cherish and like a spoiled brat he threw it away, ruined it. ‘Seems to run in the family’, he thought bitterly.

(Y/n) (L/n) was everything he wanted and he didn’t deserve her.

The worst part was that the person who helped him realize that was the hotheaded blonde of 1-A (now 2-A).

He was the one who brought out the best in (y/n) or maybe the only one who had bothered to listen, who had bothered to truly see her.

Todoroki couldn’t help but resent him for it yet he was grateful, because without Bakugou pushing her to open up, he would have never realized that he had shut the door on something beautiful without opening it.

“Why are you out here? Curfew is in 20 minutes” he heard her soft voice.

He didn’t reply and he felt her sit beside him on the stairs.

And there was silence.

What could he possibly say now?

Im sorry? That seemed too shallow

“It’s okay you know?” She began.

He finally listened.

“I’ll be honest, it had hurt- you had hurt me when you shut me out without giving me a chance to prove myself worthy of being on your wrist. I questioned if it had been something I did, something I didn’t do, or if it had been my appearance that had caused you to utter those words. Bakugou told me that it shouldn’t be something I beat myself over, that if it had been me that you would have told me, but you didn’t. You just told me that your heart belonged to another”

She stopped and finally looked at him, and he at her.

“ Im sorry things between you two didn’t work out how you wanted them to-” she had began, but he didn’t let her finish.

“Don’t. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I thought I knew what I wanted and if I’m being honest I think I just wanted to be able to choose at least one thing for myself.” He said without thinking, it was time he stopped hiding from the truth, the selfish truth he hid under his not so pure love for Momo.

“Ever since I was born I have been nothing but a tool for my father. The just right child with the just right quirk. I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my siblings, I wasn’t allowed to play, I wasn’t allowed to make my own decision. It was always my father, and then I found out I wasn’t able to choose who I wanted to be with because apparently fate did that, so I would question what it is that I got to decide for myself

because if fate and my father made the decisions then what was I left with? What part of my life was actually mines for the taking?” He looked at the ground unable to continue meeting her eyes.

“So even if it’s not enough I do apologize, (y/n), for thinking so selfishly that I didn’t take into consideration the fact that you didn’t choose me either and that I didn’t try to make it easier for the both of us” he said clenching his fist to keep some sort of anchor on his mess of emotions.

Todoroki felt a small hand (or at least smaller that his own) lay on top of his own.

“Maybe we’ve both been going about this the wrong way? So what if we have each other’s name on our wrist? that doesn’t mean we should get married next week” (y/n) said in an attempt to lighten his load, to let him know that he didn’t need to beat himself over it just like she didn’t need to.

“ let’s just start as friends and see how things go and then maybe someday who knows” she shrugged her shoulders casually and flashed him a smile.

Todoroki looked at her and she at him.

He relaxed his hand that was underneath her and let himself hold her hand.

“Someday?” He asked

“Someday” she grinned.

(Y/n) cleared her throat and held her hand out for a handshake making him raise an eyebrow

“Hi my name is (y/n) (l/n) let’s be friends”

“I’m Shoto Todoroki, and I would like that very much”

“ I’m Aizawa, the teacher and you two need to get to bed”

“Yes sir!”

#mha x reader #todoroki x reader #anime #anime angst #my hero fanfic #my hero x reader #bakugou x reader #todoroki shoto #fanfiction #anime fanfic #class 1 a #healing #friendship #angst oneshot #brotp #strwbrrybratff

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smallestclowninthecircus · 3 years

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Season 4 notes

Ep 121: mmmm tape recorder turning on without them knowing goes brrr. AAAhjhdsjfhjdf "do you mind if i call you jon" its like "can i call you elias?" is this the dream guy with the tendrils? who wants to bet the boat is captained by peter lukas? big man if it killed yall how are you still here. oh boy the tape is doin that thing. who do we think it is? did he wake up? hmm. ep 122: lol jon. 6 months!?!? bruh quit movin big man. he just Knows things sometimes you know how it is. nah b/c i can relate to feeling like other ppl/ things arent real, thats the biggest mood BUT i think it is kinda pretentious to entertain the idea that youre the only Real person. If you dont see a body dont believe it. i'll hold out hope for a bit. theres not a new archivist is there? surely i wouldve heard about that. oh god peter what changes did you make. ep 123: web development. hope its about spiders. she blames him. bruh why. if they hadnt done anything the world would've ended piss off melanie. why are ppl acting like he chose to be in a coma for 6 months. we know this they just appear. no longer "head archivist of the magnus institute, london" now he's just "the archivist" covered in spiders? cuz ik the spider has to do with controlling what youre doing and all this stuff but i cant think of how this connects to that. ep 124: ugh vertigo. is michael crew an old man? oooh. fairchild. how did he know it was martin? hmm. GRR I LOST MY NOTES AGAIN. FROM EPISODE 125 - part of 131. ep 131: bruh he's so hard to understand big man ur voice is so low. Jared Hotworth. the boneturner. "the ones i helped find their proper bodies" name a better top surgeon? our favorite trans ally? ep 132: woo field trip into the coffin! static lol. he says "chill out im just poppin in for a quick recall mission" is the rib thing actually gonna work? bruh it feels so odd and contrived but he's an odd man with some odd powers so idk. rip that archivist ayyy statement time. voices? recordings? are those tape recorders? was it the tape recorders? did they pull him back? i hope so b/c if the rib thing actually worked im gonna be so disappointed. ep 133: predicting the lonely? tundra. like the lukases. hmm. sanikova! like sanikov land. so its the hunt? i suppose? yeah. so daisy's clearly rejecting the hunt, which makes sense cuz she doesnt seem to like the entities that much. wait so are we just not gonna talk abt all the tapes playing on the ground?? no? ep 134: not an archival assistant anymore? Adelard Decker (or however you spell it) i recognize that name. 15th power. i was right there are 15. the extinction? im trying to remember what ive heard. oooh spooky. no i gotta be real i dont understand this fear but i'll believe you that its a thing. ew lukas is so squealy. lukas can turn invisible? oh boy. oooh martin put the tape recorders there. lol lukas is worried he's gonna be an avatar of the eye. ep 135: yoo its the third Daedalus statement! maxwell rayner (reiner? reigner?) i dont know who that is but ik its somebody. is he the cult leader guy? church of the divine host? 4 people?? what? did they kidnap somebody and keep them up there?? oh dear jon are you dying? did he try to See or Know or whatever? why does everyone call basira detective lol. ep 136: he was the one from the spider movie that ate ppl right? the special effects artist? is it annabelle cane? "its a joke jon" lol. hmm they wanted to record the therapy session with melanie? i wonder who that is. i almost wanna guess annabelle cane but im not sure. ep 137: this is the one! he went to the other place and read the war statement but it wasnt the one she took. not the music again. sounds like the slaughter. who the heck is eric lol. "the watcher's crown" like the crown of eyes we saw in the piccrew ep 138: oh boy Robert Smirk time. is that elias? as unhelpful as usual. if new powers can be "born" can others die out? did jonah magnus wear the watchers crown? maybe they were born from our fear or maybe our fears were born from them. ceaseless watcher does ceaselessly watch so. idk what you want

big man. yeah jonah for sure did something. ep 139: agnes!! lol that one dude threw off all their plans thats so funny. BUT this does tell us something. the tree in the backyard of the hilltop house? not made by her. it going down didnt kill agnes. im guessing gertrude tied agnes to the house using the tree? u good jon? cuz every time you try to Know smth intentionally it seems like it causes you great pain. how come he can do it accidentally with no problem but the second he wants to know smth of plot relevance he gets a headache or whatever ep 140: lol pagan exultation. classic. "oh thats my rib" lmaoo. ppl are always so mad at jon and his Eye powers except when it benefits them. they're like "oh you shouldnt do that its not right" and then all of a sudden they want to know something and its all "oh cmon jon its the only way" ep 142: oh god jon what did you do. its interesting she's giving her statement in the way that they do when jon Asks. did he see her in the Coffin? and so he's following her? ok cmon jon you're supposed to let them come to you. lmao ikr martin. "start to hear the blood" "suure." lmao ep 143: lol that awkward moment when gertrude is already dead. big J if you die im gonna kill you. bruh. ayo helen? i guess it worked? ep 144: lol this reminds me of that one edgar allan poe story where he kills the old dude with the weird eye. spooky music stuff. lol thats my favorite symptom of a heart attack its hilarious. so its smth abt the location probably? bro i feel like you should write down the numbers idk. 162830165049 564846474827. seems like the distortion? like the kinda thing that causes you to go crazy because of the numbers. oh boy is it the extinction again. bro what?? im?? his dad just died and he's like eh. martin dont be mean. he's being all lonely again. big man ur pushing ppl away. oh god its fucking squealy boy. ep 145: that almost sounds like breekon/hope... Arthur? agnes. aah was he from the lightless flame cult. a tree. lol he's just ranting rn. hehehe fuck landlords amirite. yay someone tells jon outright to go to therapy. now do it big man. ep 146: oh great! the distortion! i'm making a spiral themed building in mc right now! jon maybe accept you did a bad? nah this goes back to what i said before. they're fine with him compelling ppl when its convenient for them but otherwise its "no jon you cant, youre a monster jon" the tapes didnt turn on. i spose that means its not important? i agree with daisy, this seems unecessarily dangerous. ep 147: is that a tape? the first tape? well that went better than i expected tbh. BAHAKJASHDJKF she did the "can i call you jon" like nikola says "elias, can i call you elias?" damn annabelle is such a girlboss. oh! the one thing from the picrew. its been a while since ive connected smth to that. lol all the other avatars always talk abt their patron so lovingly and the jon just. absolutely hates the eye. ep 148: lol thats the most elias thing. "i just like the way it sounds" ep 149: did he disappear? bruhh. ur lonely powers are popping off i guess. oops i accidentally deleted my notes for 150 - 152 ep 153: thats the cult right? yeah. it doesnt sound like the church of the divine host? idk. if it is the church of the divine host then they worship the dark right? so is the eleventh the dark star or wtvr? it almost sounds like the corruption b/c of the oil or grease or whatever. oh dear what happened. oh its the hunters. theyre so annyoing. not an "it" he has a name. he's a person. is this a page from the skin book? ep 154: oh shit this is gerry's dad! oh shit he quit! oh dear god. jon don't you do it. haha martin. yeahhhh... is he gonna tell the others? cuz you know theyre gonna get mad if he doesnt. oh also picrew connection! the bandages over the eyes? yeah thats this im guessing. ep 155: oh good he told them. oh my god what did you do. lol i have no mouth and i must scream. nah you get none of my sympathy you're straight up murdering ppl. its like the desolation, destroying lives to sustain your own. ok but taking their statements doesnt

kill them. oh... bye melanie. ep 156: lmao imagine if the tape recorder spoke back. oh boy decker! i swear we got a statement from him already. oh god mirrors scary. They're gonna eat the body arent they. Yup... sounds like the flesh or the slaughter, but I'm not sure. Could be the extinction for sure. Smth at the center! Like Helen mentioned. God Peter you dick. Ep 157: peter's just so :/ another decker statement i see. a statement about the corruption? hmm. maybe its not abt the corruption. the extinction. lol pandemics. topical. John Amherst. helen? lol i can hear admiral purring in the background. oh cmon helen dont be like that. im trying real hard to like you but you make it so difficult. ep 158: did they fucking free the stranger? im gonna lose it. you absolute dumbass. im sorry who is that? jonah magnus? my guy. peter. you absolute dickhead. that's elias. (im p sure i had this spoiled for me that elias is jonah) oh dear this is her death. god peter you prick. i hope this is a pop off martin moment and not a "martin you idiot" moment. i hope the hunters kill the stranger entity. or she kills them. furry daisy pop off! yeah fuck you peter martin can make his own decisions. you know that clip from Twisted where jafar says "ok what the fuck was that" martin D: ok like i know its gonna work but still D: D: ep 159: peter you bitchboy. because if im alone i cant hurt anyone else. imnotgonnacryimnotgonnacryimnotgonnacry do it do it do it do it. pop off jon. ok its a pretty good idea for a ritual i gotta be honest. she didnt even have to blow it up lol. oh dear that was certainly a noise. "he gets you" did he not have jon already? he's back! our boy is back! awwww thats so cute. ep 160: oh right this is the thing in the safe house. i love him. "obviously im going to tell you if i see any good cows" martin my beloved <3 :)) oh boy who is this. fuckin. people. jonah you dick. gahh. you can tell he's trying to resist so hard lol. ohh. hehe keep an *eye* on him. altho if the extinction is a real thing he needs to be marked by that right? lol he sounds so intense im sorry- i want martin to just burst in and be like "look at this cow i saw!" its so dramatic and for why.

#tma notes #tma

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flamingo-writes · 3 years

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Bro I love your writing! I’m a new fanfic writer and was wondering if you can pass down your knowledge on writing lol

BRO!! I AM SO SORRY I TOOK AGES TO RESPOND!! I WANTED TO RESPOND SOONER BUT I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY AND I HAVE TO RESPOND THIS ON DESKTOP AND NOT ON THE STUPID APP

LISTEN, I LOVE YOU AND I’LL GLADLY PASS DOWN SOME KNOWLEDGE. I may not be the best writer, but it’s honest work ok dhusihncs

keep reading under the cut bcs Long Post

Some time ago, someone asked me to share some tips, and to this day, I still agree/follow the tips I posted back then. You can read them here.

There’ this post I once reblogged some time ago, and I do this SO MUCH like, no kidding. There’s this fic Im currently writing (surprise ruined uhdfciusfc dont ask me when, I am half way through, my writing speed is UNPREDICTABLE even for me) and it looks like this (parts blurred out bcs spoilers, and I dont wanna spoil who is this about)

[fun fact: I almost spoil who this is about, I forgot to blurr out the last patch of purple, I dare you all to guess who this is about ecughishc hint: is a fandom I recently joined]

Something specifically I do, i don’t know if others writers do it to, is start with the dialogue (pretty much like you see in the screenshot above) mostly because most of my stores start with dialogue. I write the main dialogue alone, and then add details as who said what, how they said it and details like describing actions and places.

(it’s also important to figure out how your writing process flows. I varies from writer to writer. Mostly bcs you understand how you work, and you stress less about your writing bcs you understand how it works. My writing process is basically:

can’t sleep bcs of idea

write down dialogue

add details as to who said what, how they said it

add paragraphs describing the setting (sometimes this one comes first, then the dialogue)

editing

contemplating how good this is, maybe suffer a little

post it

BONUS: my quality standard is: if I were a random reader, would I like this story? if the answer is FUCK YES then I post it. If it’s nope, or eeeeh, or its a pretty ok story, then no. If it’s good but not the best, most likely, I’ll post it. This also can happen at any time in my writing process.

Its not necessary to have a quality standard kinda checklist like I do. I’m just very strict with my work :( this is why about 10% of everything I write ends up being posted, and why I take ages to post something in this blog.

I’m gonna add a few ss from a conversation I once had with a friend here on tumblr, where I mentioned some things about writing details without cluttering the text and make it sound robotic/boring. (please ignore the typos, I type v fast on my phone and ALWAYS have typos)

this is an example of what I mean (bellow the red line is a different way of writing the first paragraph)

note how I also managed to mention another details about the weather.

Another tip I have, and I think I mentioned it in the ask I linked in the beginning is to read other people’s work. Not only you’ll learn new words, you’ll learn ways of describing things.

Each writer has a unique style and voice, and most of it comes from writers absorbing little things from other writers. I hope I am making sense hcksfhcs like, there are 3 writers I read a lot when I’m trying to write smut bcs I love how they write it. I don’t straight up copy what they write bcs thats not cool, but not only they inspire me, I’m like: ooooh, this phrase in particular sounds very cool. Or “the way they describe this action is real spicy” and so on.

Even the wording of things. I once read in some fanfic I can’t remember, but I read the phrase “[piece of clothing] hung from [their] waist” its a pretty simple phrase, but by how it’s written, I swear to god, it immediately presses buttons in my brain that make me go:

and since I first read that phrase I was like “OHOHOHO I HAVETO INCORPORATE THIS INTO MY WRITING” and stuff like that.

Tiny details you can add into your style. And if its coming from several writers, in the end, your style is defined by the writers you like and read. And its not bad, every artist style comes from the influence of all those people the artist looks up to.

And that’s about all I can think of right now. I might as well make a masterpost with all the posts I find with writing tips, and my own writing tips. bvfsdvbhsfj

Thank you for dropping by, and I’m sorry this turned out very long, and so late fichighvshs BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER ANSWERING RIGHT

#writing tips

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cruddyborderlandstheories · 5 years

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THAT MAP

i didn’t die

also spoilers. like. major spoilers. im serious.

dont click that read more unless you’re totally okay with spoilers cause i talk about some endgame stuff too <3

CELESTICA ERIDIA

THAT ERIDIAN RIFT HUHHHHHHH ITS RIGHT NEXT TO PANDORA

WE’RE ENTERING THE FLORPUS

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S A WAY TO TRIANGULATE/OPEN THE WORMHOLE OR SOMETHING???

alright LOOK

each planet (Eden-6, Promethea, Pandora) they’re all circled and when their lines cross it leads to SOMETHING

and looking at the grid that’s obviously what looks to be a wormhole

so we’ve also got the lines

“elpis - not what it seems. is elpis a lens? or a conduit. or both?”

A CONDUIT/LENS?? FOR W H A T??

ARE WE BEAMING SOMETHING OUT OF PANDORA? BECAUSE IF THESE TEMPLES ARE ALL SIMILAR PYRAMID-LIKE STRUCTURES TO THE ONE ON ATHENAS THEN THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE

this is DEFINITELY on pandora (you see elpis up there) so it’s possible something is going to hit elpis and it’s going to beam to this vault-thing and open up a gateway to the Eridian Rift??? OR

we open this Vault and it beams something up to elpis and elpis helps open up part of the Eridian rift

i’d guess we’d need all 3 (?) active to open it?? Eden-6, Pandora, and Promethea

so something SEEMS to be getting beamed either from elpis to pandora or from pandora to elpis

but im going to get elpis to pandora given the way it’s being thrown out? like it hits elpis straight on and then defracts over pandora like a prism

im guessing it’s such a broad spread bc it’s trying to hit the vault-temple-thing we see above (still... not quite convinced those are vaults like we’ve been seeing them in the past games (with lots of big loot inside). again something like teleporters makes way more sense to me)

they also bring this up, that athenas and promethea have a draw to one another, which makes sense since part of the promethean vault key is on Athenas

“Although Athenas is not in the Promethean System, there is a strong pull detectable through use of [eridian resonator (customized) which I have discovered here (seen in purple)]” i have no idea if any of the bracketed stuff is right“

more importantly it looks like one piece of Promethea’s asteroid belt is ‘highlighted’ which i imagine is that giant space laser

which ngl surprises me because

this doesn’t really look eridian to me at all. like, okay, the laser part IS purple but... the actual tech doesn’t look Eridian at all. it looks VERY human. maybe maliwan/atlas discovered it and changed it somehow? that’s pretty much the only reason i can give. like they made it so it would only hit a certain area (concentrated) instead of the entire planet (like we see Elpis doing)

also if we look at Eden-6

eden-6 seems to be 1 of 6 (or more) planets surrounding the gas giant (?) named Eden (which is such a cool fucking detail). or maybe that’s just a solar system named eden. either way. AWESOME.

my question is:

is Eden going to act similarly to Elpis? to the Asteroid Belt of Promethea?? because if that’s the case OH MAN MORE GIANT SPACE LASERS. maybe this is why ships keep on crashing to Eden-6. We know the planet is basically a ship graveyard, maybe there’s some Eridian interference that’s causing this to happen???

Also, when they say “Vaults lead to other Vaults” do y’all think this is tied into in any way the “Vault of Vaults” or whatever “It” is???

because THE VAULT OF VAULTS??? APPARENTLY WE WERE NAUGHTY AS FUCK FOR OPENING IT (the overseer says so when you accept the quest for the proving grounds)

AND THE MASTERS (whoever the FUCK they are!) ARE NOT HAPPY BOYS

ALSO “UNIVERSE DESTROYING POWER” AS CLAIMED ON THE WEBSITE

UHHH IM GONNA GUESS THAT RIFT IS ABOUT TO KILL EVERYONE AND/OR LET OUT A BIG OL SPACE DEMON COUGH THE DESTROYER COUGH

ALSO WE PROBABLY ARE CONFIRMED THERE ARE TEMPLES ON EACH OF THE PLANETS WITH THAT DIAMOND SHAPE

THEY MATCH UP WITH THE SYMBOL WE’VE SEEN EVERYWHERE

(also we now can guess this takes place after Athenas..?)

‘Vault... Key?’ i mean... think about it. we know the symbol for Vault is the circle with the arch. but this is different. this is diamond with, yes, with a vault shape in it. but... there’s obviously more to it than just the vault symbol

plus tannis is using it on pedestals dedicated to Vault Keys so i mean. you know.

and if this IS the symbol for Vault Key than oh man oh me oh my

that would mean opening up the ‘mini vaults’ on Pandora/Promethea/Eden-6 would lead to that big Eridian rift opening, whatever it is

which could explain this line: “the Vaults lead to other Vaults” “Smart, Leda!”

looks like Typhon met someone who writes in blue. who’s name is Leda.

calling it now typhon totally banged a Siren named Leda and had 2 twin kids (it runs in the family) the twins take after their parents: one red, one blue. possibly inherit the Cloth Map and learn about the purpose of the Vaults through it. i got nothing on the cage thing but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if Typhon or Leda ended up going crazy at some point and/or having kids inside of a Vault for some ungodly reason. spewing random shit about ‘bandits this, bandits that’ to keep them from leaving. maybe they knew their adventures were going to (eventually) lead to the destruction of the universe so they wanted to keep their kids safe without having to admit they’ve doomed everyone outside this has no proof at all, im just spitballing lol i mean look at these love-sick FOOLS lmao

look they both left messages (that i can’t read) with hearts at the end of them

“Genius! [gibberish i can’t make out] <3″ “you know it! <3″

we don’t know what the Vaults really are for, huh Tyreen?? NOW WE DO. NOW. WE DO.

“ERIDIAN GLYPHS ARE CYHPERS!” (sic???)

“by overlaying various found glyphs patterns emerge which are then...” ASDFGSHJ i CANT READ THIS “What is the machine?” “We’ll figure it out together!” MACHINE????????

i NEED it

“Mapping in progress: the key-glyph [something] is an Eridian cypher hiding coordinates to some kind of cyber (????) structure” this perhaps???

also the proving grounds. let’s talk about those. we know they’re eridian, we know there’s 6 of them, we know there’s 1 at least on both Athenas and Eden-6.

we know those Eridian Ruins/Cyphers lead to the proving grounds. we know this much. so is it definitely confirmed the proving grounds hold a higher place in the story than they’re saying? i mean let me pull up my other draft talking about these in-depth and copy paste because there’s only 36 minutes until the NEXT endgame content stream

“Later in the campaign, you may be worthy of taking part in the Proving Grounds: themed gauntlets watched over by a Guardian known as the Overseer who wishes to test your mettle on behalf of the mysterious ‘Masters’.”

so it sounds like at least one is going to take place during the main campaign of the game.

as for uhh who the Masters are... I don’t know. I imagine they’re Eridian in some way/shape/form. to be honest, considering the Overseer is a Guardian (confirmed), I imagine these ‘Masters’ are just literally Eridians. some sort of council, perhaps. i mean “the masters will determine who is at fault” for “naughty humans opened the vault of vaults”. so i imagine they’re like a council.

Let’s start listing stuff we know about the Proving Grounds:

1. you get them by translating (we apparently get a translator later on in the story) Eridian texts (ciphers) left behind, which tell us where (?) these proving grounds are. why we’re not just using tannis... i dunno. something better not have happened to Tannis, gearbox

We’ve seen these texts in the Eden-6 gameplay, so it looks like maybe we won’t need the eridian doritos stabby thing to break any crystals. damn youuu

“Ohhh good. Nonsense.”

i make jokes with my friend that soon i’ll be able to read Eridian given how much i stare at these tablets. it’s only a matter of time...

2. there’s apparently 6 of them, and at least 1 on each planet. We’ve seen the Athenas (Survival) and Eden-6 (Instinct) versions, which does make me wonder if there’s any tie between 6 of these trials and the 6 Sirens...

Also, given there’s supposedly 6 trials and only 5 planets (as the community has gotten devs to tell us), it makes me wonder a) if there’s actually 6 planets or b) why there’s only 1 planet with 2 per planet. i guess if that’s the eridian homeworld then it’d make sense if they have 2.

(Also Varnell did originally say 7 trials at first, but he gets a pass because he was live on stage and i would’ve made that mistake too knowing my dumb brain lol)

3. Apparently during the narrative of the game, at some point, we will unlock at least 1 trial.

“[proving grounds are] encased in the narrative of the game. a combat challenge the Eridians have left for the player to kinda prove themselves worthy for... things i won’t completely spoil right now, but uhhh prove themselves worthy to the ancient, lost, Eridians.”

so... YEAH. big news, gamers.

does this take place at the end of the game? its possible. its likely considering this is considered endgame content. it might not. it could be both, like sort of a repeatable thing. im not really certain.

What I am certain about tho, is that this takes place after a huge story event.

So, maybe the BL3 story ends on a cliffhanger. Tbh i would upset if that happened, but THAT SAID, if the game does end on such a huge cliffhanger that this is AWFUL and the end of the universe is coming, I don’t think we’d be getting 4 story DLCs that completely ignore this problem.

The devs had said the entire story will be contained within bl3 (no splitting it up between dlcs), and it seems the games like to keep the timeline intact in the real world, so if imminent death is on its way, we can’t exactly wait 5 years irl and in-universe for borderlands 4.

So, if this is a cliffhanger ending, I don’t think whatever happens is... that big of a deal. Sort of the level of finding the Vault Map at the end of BL2. It’s big news! but it’s not going to end the universe. The story marches on. We figure out the new goalposts of this universe and keep doing stuff outside it.

Now that we know that, let’s take note of what the Overseer says at the start and end of this mission:

“Vault Hunter... I thought you might show up sooner or later. So naughty your species, so curious. The Vault of Vaults has been opened and it has been released. Prove your worth and I will reveal why the Masters made me wait for you”.

“Naughty humans opened the Vault of Vaults, but the Masters will determine who is at fault. Until next time, Warrior.”

so that’s some pretty fucking loaded dialogue, isn’t it?

im vvvvvvvvvv curious about who this ‘it’ character is... something the Eridians didn’t want out- well, that’s bad, because we (or the twins, or maliwan, or both I guess) just let it free. and the fact the Overseer won’t even reference the thing by name... that’s probably bad. If this is an actual entity, then that is mostly why I believe this particular Proving Ground takes place during the main story.

that said, ‘it’ could literally be anything. Knowledge, hope, whatever. the potion you brew to become a Siren. you know. anything. She called whatever was released ‘it’ and it doesn’t seem like we’re in a RUSH or anything. Just hanging out doing proving grounds. and apparently this is because we’ve been naughty humans. not evil, just naughty. like she’s giving us (or the cult) a slap on the wrist.

The Overseer doesn’t seem too affected by us opening the Vault of Vaults herself. The Masters apparently are trying to determine ‘who’s at fault here’, like it isn’t exactly clear. was it the humans for opening it? was it the eridians for making them openable?

it would be interesting if this isn’t even talking about something that happens in game, but instead like... she’s referencing Typhon and Leda. the Vault of Vaults had been opened (by Typhon and Leda) and IT has been released... whatever it is... maybe the reason Typhon and Leda locked their kids in a vault? ... i mean if we’re going by the eridium/slag causes psychos, then maybe that? we definitely find eridium on planets other than pandora...

also speaking of stuff taking place during the game, lets remember what was discussed in that interview: “[proving grounds are] encased in the narrative of the game... a combat challenge the Eridians have left for the player to kinda prove themselves worthy for... things i won’t completely spoil right now, but uhhh prove themselves worthy to the ancient, lost, Eridians.”

worthy of what, exactly?

I’m still of the belief that it’s for the title of Vault Guardian (and, yes, by proxy, i want to say Siren, but y’all won’t take me too seriously if i keep advocating for this crack theory lol... implying you took me seriously in the first place 🤡) because of the Guardian Rank

the fact we’re killing Fallen Guardians means, technically, a position HAS opened up... plus I don’t think the Watcher would have come in contact with Lilith if she didn’t think the Eridians needed us

that said, if this isn’t for just becoming Vault Guardians, then... idk. If this is strictly endgame stuff, i don’t even know what we’re trying to prove our worth for.

I guess worthy of not being thrown into alien prison is probably a good one. magic space prison is probably hard to get out of. like, ‘200 years an opening’ hard to get out of. and ur roommate is the destroyer 😨

i mean... maybe worthy of entering the Eridian Rift? i mean... it’s possible this rift leads to the eridian homeworld... there would have to be one HELL of huge Vault Monster to keep people from getting through :o

anyway, we’ve got 20 minutes until the new endgame content, i’ll be sure to add onto here if we learn anything new and/or i think of anything else. im vibrating over this shit, it’s awesome. i LOVE this map. might have to pick one up on ebay or smth.

#borderlands spoilers #spoilers #borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years

Text

discord II text Roman & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @romanbeckett

Mentions: @davieslandon @malakhai-ozera @jayceelynd @alison-haynes

Where: Aaron is at his house and Roman is at his house.

When: evening of May 26th-monrning of May 27th, 11:30p-2:30a

Description: Roman texts Aaron and they talk all night until they both fall asleep

Trigger Warnings: smut, what I would imagine harry’s peen to look like, really cute shit

Roman.

Hey.

Aaron.

Roman.

Khai broke up with me, so. With us.

with Jay and I. And he left.

Aaron.

oh my god...im sorry Ro

Roman.

Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.

Aaron.

what did he say? Like why...?

Roman.

He told us that he loved us but needed time to work on himself or whatever.

Aaron.

I don’t know Khai that well but it does seem like he’s got a lot of shit to figure out

how are you doing with it?

and jayc? Should I reach out to her or....does she not know we’re talking

Roman.

you can talk to her if you want. I think we both just don’t really know how to feel to be honest.

Aaron.

im sorry

i hope he's okay

and i hope you and Jayc are okay too

Roman.

don’t be lol honestly Aaron, I set myself up for it the second I agreed to close myself off, knowing all of the issues I need to work through as well

contrary to popular belief, I’m far from having it all figured out.

Aaron.

that makes two of us

that was quick tbh

Roman.

Yeah. I just feel like an idiot.

Aaron.

what no....thats not what i meant

Roman.

anyway.

how are you

Aaron.

okay....no please dont feel like an idiot. its his fault not yours

im....okay....getting better than i was last week

miss you though not gonna lie

Roman.

I miss you, too. A lot.

Aaron

im sorry

idk why i am i just feel like i need to apologize

Roman.

you have nothing to be sorry for lol at all

if anything, I’m sorry.

for bringing you into all this drama

and making you eat at a Chinese buffet lol

Aaron.

making me eat at a Chinese buffet is the only thing you have to be sorry for

also

i inserted myself into this mess as well. and didn't pull out once i realized who you were to landon

Roman.

does it make me immature if I laugh at you saying you didn’t pull out once?

Aaron.

YES BUT IM HERE FOR IT

Roman.

I might just be high, but now I can’t stop laughing lol

Aaron.

sksjks

im sober and laughing so

well not sober

i had a few drinks

Roman.

everyone knows you’re a lightweight Aaron, stop tryin’ to be sly lol

Aaron.

who you callin a lightweight, lightweight?

Roman.

only when I haven’t eaten anything LIGHTWEIGHT

Aaron.

https://tenor.com/view/uncalled-gif-5394176

michelle tanner voice

Roman.

You miss me. Just a reminder.

Aaron.

you miss me

another reminder

Roman.

I’m not the one calling you rude lol

Aaron.

you called me out for being a lightweight and i retaliated

forgive me

Roman.

you’re in denial is what you are :fingerguns2:

but I’ll forgive you.

Aaron.

idk you'd think for how much i drink i'd have a higher tolerance

i need therapy

Roman.

probably lol I’ll go with you

Aaron.

lol couples counseling?

Roman.

I actually think it would be quite funny to see what they have to say about US

Aaron.

i need a therapist to tell it like it is

then again i do have ali

that woman calls me out on my shit literally daily

maybe shes just a free therapist

Roman.

LMAO that’s...amazing. I like her already.

Aaron.

she do be driving me up a wall

but

shes family

Roman.

Ah, family. I’ve been trying to get my sister here, but she’s being an ass lol

Aaron.

asshat

who wouldn’t want to move to New York

Roman.

satans demons.

Aaron.

exactly

whats keeping her from coming?

Roman.

she’s not as hellbent on big cities as I am lol

Aaron.

weird

city life has always been for me

arent you from manchester? is that not a big city?

Roman.

it’s not New York lol

she lives in the country now though.

Aaron.

no city is new york

Roman.

exactly lol

Aaron.

what are you doing

besides getting high

Roman.

I’m naked on the couch eating cherry gilato while watching good mythical morning on YouTube

Aaron.

i would very much like to be naked on a couch with you

Roman.

I painted my nails and did a facial first lol i could do yours as well

Aaron.

ill take the facial

i couldn't pull off the nails though

Roman.

you’d look so kickass with some black nails

Aaron.

you think?

Roman.

hell yes. Even a sky blue, like those eyes

Aaron.

i blush

maybe we can try the toe nails first

in case I end up hating them

Roman.

OH, I’m also trained in Swedish massage, head to toe. If you want a personal spa day

Aaron.

that would just give me a boner

Roman.

well, it’s a FULL body massage after all.

Aaron.

sksjsks

dont tempt me

Roman.

Aaron. I just.

is it bad that I don’t want to stay away from you anymore?

that’s a dumb question

I know it’s bad.

Aaron.

its not dumb

I don’t want to stay away from you either

but I promised Landon

Roman.

I know. So did I.

You’re right, I’m sorry.

Aaron.

he’s my best friend

dont be sorry

im glad you’re being honest with me

I just don’t see Landon being okay with this anytime soon

Roman.

I know! I know. He’s mine too, and I care about him more than I care to admit. I shouldn’t be like this.

Aaron.

damn this is fucked up

Roman.

I shouldn’t have said anything

Aaron.

I wish this could be easier

im the one that started with the boner references

Roman.

Not really. I offered you a massage

Aaron.

okay yes but

I told you I wanted to be naked with you

Roman.

because I said I was naked

Aaron.

I just don’t want you blaming yourself that’s all

Roman.

I know, but it is what it is. I made a mess of everything, and now everything I had is ruined lol I deserve it.

Aaron.

I’m sad you think so little of yourself

Roman.

I don’t. It’s just consequences. I made bad decisions, and now I have to deal with the consequences. That’s all. It’ll all be okay.

Aaron.

I wish I could make you feel better

Roman.

you already do. I promise.

Aaron.

I just smiled

Roman.

show me?

Aaron.

sure

Roman.

omg bad idea my heart

Aaron.

oop

Roman.

you’re so fucking jahshsbzjdndjendj

Aaron.

AKDJDJAKALhdja

Roman.

I’m mad at you

for looking like that

Aaron.

Well i can’t stop thinking about u

Roman.

let me just

Aaron.

yeah I kept drinking

and as we’ve established I’m a lightweight

okay I showed you a selfie now you should be a selfie

Roman.

oh yeah? Trying to boss me around again are ya?

Aaron.

do what daddy says

Roman.BOTToday at 2:02 AM

yes daddy.

Aaron.

brb gotta go jack off

Roman.

stoppppp

Aaron.

not kidding

Roman.

you don’t need a better picture than that to do the deed

??? Lolll

Aaron.

I mean....you could send me some

Roman.BOTToday at 2:09 AM

Does this help?

Aaron.

holy fuck

ugh I wanna fuck you so bad

and put all of you in my mouth

Roman.

I want it too. I shouldn’t, but I do. I want you to fuck me with my hands tied behind my back, and you pulling on my collar from behind.

Aaron.

fuck don’t put those thoughts in my head or I’ll act up

I wanna tie you up so bad

and punish you for being so naughty

Roman.

I’d want to call out your name so loud, but you’d have to let me.

Aaron.

you can’t do anything without my permission

Roman.

I’ll do my best daddy. You know I like to make you proud.

Aaron.

Ro I just came into a sock so hard

I want you so bad but the fact I can’t have you makes that even hotter to me

Roman.

forbidden fruit, hm?

Aaron.

you’re my forbidden fruit for sure

Roman.

wish I could have been there to help

Aaron.

you did enough helping trust me

Roman.

are we terrible people lol

Aaron.

I know

we are

im trying though

so that’s gotta count for something

Roman.

I hope it does, for both our sakes lol

Aaron.

if this doesn’t work out we can always be together in hell

Roman.

that sounds like a rightful ending

at least I’ll be tan.

Aaron.

we’ll both be hot and tan chilling in hell together

and we can fuck all we want

Roman.

sounds like the next big Netflix series.

Aaron.

could you imagine a Netflix series about us

Roman.

no, I’m scared to lol it would be more insane than Tiger King

Aaron.

you think our lives are more insane than Tiger King?!?

Roman.

scary, right??

Aaron.

thats definitely...quite the comparison

Roman.

I would have loved to have seen your face watching it for the first time

Aaron.

watching that together would have been so fun

I can picture us watching that and freaking out together

Roman.

maybe one night we’ll trip acid and watch it again

Aaron.

confession I’ve never tripped before

Roman.

whaaaaaa

do it with me!

Aaron.

I mean yeah I used to do a lot of coke when I got drunk and sometimes still do but that been the extent of my drug use

hahaha I will trip with you, Roman Beckett

Roman.

aces! Just tell me when and where, and it’s a plan!

Aaron.

”aces”

but yeah let’s do it this weekend

Roman.

I’m British you knob. Shut up lol

Aaron.

I know MATE I was making fun of you

Roman.

sends long audio clip making fun of Aaron’s New York accent

Aaron

brooooo

I do say that though

Roman.

I know, I’ve listened to you talk enough

it’s cute though

ready for bed?

Aaron.

just about

I was gonna go to bed a while ago but wanted to keep texting you

Roman.

same.

tuck me in lol

Aaron.

do u want me to tell you a bedtime story

Roman.

yes, but make it snappy

and I want warm milk

Aaron.

damn

so bossy

but okay

Roman.

you know I’m spoiled.

Aaron.

that must’ve been my fault

okay Des like this one:

By the African river, know as the Nile The sun fell away and it rested a while The rhinos had braved all the smoldering heat They lay down to sleep as they wiped off their feet The elephants marched to their elephant beds And gently they rested their elephant heads Slowly the hippos sank into the river The water so cold that it gave them a shiver (Hippos can't swim, like the pelicans think They also can't float, they could easily sink) The hippos went bathing in cool, shallow pools Thinking the rhinos and elephants fools Underwater, they fell to the soft river bed On darkish green plants with a smidgen of red They strolled on the bottom, then bounced up for air They did it for hours, without any care The fish followed closely, and wove in an out Under their belly, and up to their snout Each of the hippos came up to the shore To feed on the grass by the river once more They dried off their bodies by shaking and stomping And took bites of grass, chewing and chomping With night fading fast, they were full from the feast The sun returned back, rising up form the east The hippos crept off to collapse for the day While rhinos and elephants got up to play Enjoying the warmth of the sun and its light Never knowing the story of hippos at night

just read it in my New York accent you’re so good at

goodnight Lois

Roman.

that was perfect. Goodnight Clark.

#discord #roman #text

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sikereviewdotcom · 4 years

Text

undercover brother (2002) review

sup been a while but didnt forget about yall and your eager butts to dive head first right in the flooding words coming out of my mouth today gonna rev "undercover brother" (2002), its gonna be solid guys

so we start with an introduction where we talk about how black culture was losing its flavour after the 70s, progress was slowed down n all as we reached 2000 but dont be fooled, its all cause of a buncha events orchastred by "the man"... a big racist mf ig whos also the kkk equivalent of the team rocket boss, sitting in a ig chair, never see his face in the flashbacks or like the bad guy in inspector gadget, more like him ig since we actually see the team R boss face quite often nonetheless, theres a form of mystery folding this whole business... THE MAN acts in the shadows and he hates to see how dark those are, he wants things to be like it used to be back in slavery times good oltime for him but.. not for the fam

ofc then here is introduced THE REAL MAN OF MEN => undercover brother, our hero and damn he has the style of a whole pack of elephants trampling around in pink disco suits every ladies wanna a piece of that sweet fro he is packing up on his head, funky

ngl, the whole way this mov is filmed n edited is sike asf, dope guys especially considerin its actually made in 2002, loving it anyway then were also introduced to the other secondary protags who are from an organisation here to stop The Mans evil doings and careful: undercover bro was actually a solo act until now cause now they gonna collaborate all throughout da mov: its the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D, with conspiracy brother (tbh a fav here, guys wack like the whole plot guy thinks computer comes from a story involving peanut and idk guys he keeps rambling bout bs which makes him a+ character) smart brother, chief and sister girl (original name/10)

so btw the organization is on a mission rn at the beginning to destroy The Man (lets call him tm for the rest of this rev) financial infrastructure aka funds to stop him better or smthg and it gets spicy as they get caught but ofc undercover bro barges in from nowhere wow big disguise as an old man no one noticed him so like slash bawow boom vlam, bad guys ko and he squeedaddle out of there like twas breeze gg man, he also get fed a nice editing of xrays battle like with a side of kungfu n whatnot, undercover bro knows his stuff

nice sounds effects ah yes btw romantic intrigue with sister girl begins here, its the zinc of the flinch as ub (undercover brother) notices her big wink wink nudge nudge, btw later she is asked to go enlist him in the corps so he can help stop the man with them n shit and he trynna get her in his bed cause thats we this brother is used to, getting laid as soon as he meets a chick, who can resist this dude?

he gots moves, fro, style, skills and also at times he is a pussy but k, not everyones perf sometimes you just simp for a white blond blue eyed woman (spoiler) and crawls on all four looking like a big preppy nerd btw in this review im trynna not spoil the whole plot cause guys, this movie gotta be on yo watch list kay? im not here to ruin this experience in yo life itd be pretty uncool of me so im just gonna state the big lines then its up to you to swoop the tiny ones out of the watch, knot your own breds n stuff

back on the whooper slapping: intro credits roll, we get some nice back story for our hero, making sure we can understand his cause in saving the black peeps from TMs assholery might truth n justice be your guide

so what the big plot then? well yknow how a big antag cant do shit on his own cause hes too busy sticking brooms up his ass in his private quarters? yea well same goes here so there this gay guy who will be twerking later on btw, a scene to behold, rumps to ogle at, so hes a bad guy and gay n gonna do most of the dirty work for TM, whats new? idk what to think of it yknow its a stereotype in movs so ig ok still uncool but ill see it as all in good spirit cause theres bad n good im not excepting this to be the best watch of my life, nah it wasnt either, but i had a good laugh kay? makes up for it cause unlike some here i got no shit up my ass alley its clean scrubbed up n down so i can smoothly take a chillax up n a shit out without a night tormented by constipation, nah its all sliding where it should no pain no sweat

so the big lines is that a war hero whos a black man is gonna become president and wtf no is the only react racist mf could have which is what they have, bad guys gonna stop it from happening at once and the brotherhood aint letting it happens cause obvs something is wrong as every black peeps gonna turn into a stereotype like waddup in this mad world? its all because of the poisonous fried chicken brand TM will get around ty to another poison to make our war hero delusional n so on were also introduced to white evil she-ra later btw, just dropping this in cause undercover brother really wants to make oreos with her n sister girl (his words) ig shes the second love interest, im not too invested in this romantic intrigue it was just necessary not like twas very developped anyway its even more of a bedroom intrigue when it comes the the white blue eyed blond chick, sister girl before hoes yo

whats it in conclusion about this movie? first, the plot: hilarious biznasty worthy a+ bs especially how its turned yknow, the clichés were turned upside down n if not theyre just turned into a big satire of themselves editing + music ? yknow its actually good, and funky asf im digging it, a travel in time nostalgia of times i lived acting is pretty neat its not an ironically good movie cause its hilariously ridiculous in the making way its all about the plot here, plot twists and characters, the whole universe ig like its superior to big mamma sorta plot or maybe im dropping this comparison cause its been a while since i saw big maam, for sure twas under estimated while over brought when this here? it got freshness packed in

the spoiling was light and this is cause this movie got a 69/10 rating jk 8/10 if were gonna be serious, im gonna list wats unwoke n uncool here: 1 gay villain stereot, gotta be honest here its not that big of a deal tme seeing when it was made and how i still laughed yknow idc this much but some could go apeshit over it 2 not enough conspiracy brother content: this is all i ask for 3 had no snacks while watching the movie, too bad id dig a aj or grape soda right about now n then 4 more lines for car wash chicks jk this last one idc about, but car wash representation is lacking once again in american movies, i cant believe how looked over it is, as if they didnt need smore rep in the medias its not an easy job washing car all day long, standin in those ghost buster lookin suit while staring at the hot guys in hot wheelys, whos gonna pay you a drink when youre just an old carwash lady? thought finally a hero would step up in this movie but there it goes thrown out da window, the potential was real until it got blown away sure sister girl was a solid character but give the washers some credits cut them a slack of free time n have a lil date together there on top of a truck to keep it native

nonetheless this is a top rec for anyone who feels like slipping into some conspiracy slippers

tg, out

#undercover brother #sike reviews #movie review #undercover brother review

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defkooka · 5 years

Text

I KNEW | HENDERY

Pairing: Hendery x Reader

Summary: You’ve always been by his side. You probably knew him better than he knew himself, but those forbidden feelings always lingered in the air. It just comes down to what you’re willing to do about them.

Word Count: 2.8K

Scenario: requested!!! prince!au, angst?, romanceee

A/N: okay so hendery is one of my wayv biases and i kinda, maybe, accidentally got carried away with this... but im not sorry hehe. also thank yo to the amazing person who requested this! i just kinda went with what my mind told me and it YELLED to do a prince au so here you are :) pls keep requesting i love reading your comments lol.

NOT PROOFREAD YET

“Do I look okay?” He asked as you finished buttoning the last of his shirt that stuck perfectly to his body. His black hair swooped to one side exposing his face that laid no imperfections, his two silver earrings that his parents were very against; but he still did during his ‘rebel’ days. You still laughed at the memory of him sitting in the chair, gripping your hand tightly as they put the needle through his earlobe. It was one of your happiest memories.

You slid the jacket over his shoulders and inspected it to make sure no thread was out of place. He ran his large hands over the soft fabric as he patted it down to get the wrinkles out and looked himself over.

“You always do my prince. Perfection.” You said as you backed up and watched his gaze meet yours through the giant mirror that took up most of the space in the giant white wall in his even bigger room. His bed laid a mess from you having to literally drag him out of it because he ‘refused to get up this early’. His words, not yours.

“You always say that. You kinda have too.” He chuckled and turned around to look at you better, he played with the silver rings on his hands as he did so. Something that he always did when he asked your honest opinion about something and he was anticipating your answer.

“It’s the truth prince Hendery. You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.” You looked at him sincerely and gave him a small smile. It was true. He was the most handsome man you’ve ever seen. Ever since you were kids, Hendery has always been the apple of your eye and nothing in this world could change that.

Henderys family had been in reign for years. His great grandfathers crown passing on to his grandfather, then passing it on to his dad; and soon to him. They were royalty at it’s finest, and also the kindest people you have ever met. Not like your typical spoiled kings and queens.

Then there was your family. They served his family for generations, your mother growing up along is father and taking care of all his needs, meals, clothing, anything. She was his guide through life, making sure he made all the right decisions as king and being his support system. Like his adviser.

Now it was your turn to do the same thing with Hendery.

You two played along side one another growing up, instantly becoming the best of friends; You two were inseparable. You took naps together, played together, and even went as far as eating every meal together. You two were even closer than ever during your teenage years, you were there for everything. His first day of high school, his first kiss, first girlfriend, and first heartbreak. You were always the one that was left to take his heart and mend it back together, making him smile and hope for better days. And along the way; you fell in love with him.

You would think that spending so much time with someone will eventually make you sick of being around them. But it was the opposite with Hendery; it made you crave more of him. You wanted to be there for every smile, every laugh, every tear, and every time he was angry. But you knew you couldn't.

He had to get married soon, to someone on his level. Not the right-handed woman. You meant to guide him through his life, to make sure he was making the correct decisions. Not love him.

Henderys loud laugh brought you back to reality as he rolled his eyes and took a seat on his chair, slouching down even though you have constantly told him to fix his posture.

“I don’t wanna goo!” He whined for what felt like the thousandth time in the last 20 minutes.

“Well too bad. You have too, you’re dad wants you to meet the princess.” You felt a sting in your heart as the words left your mouth. Even the thought of Hendery getting engaged, and then married to one of the princesses almost brought tears to your eyes.

You knew.

You knew that one day it will eventually happen, and that you would have to stand right there and watch it all pass in front of you and not being able to do anything about it. It scared you, but at the same time it was your fault for feeling this way.

No one said that you had to fall in love with the prince. It was a mistake you committed and now there was no turning back from it.

“I don’t want to meet any princesses. I have one right here.” He grabbed your wrist that was absentmindedly folding the mess of clothes that laid on his bedroom floor. Blood rushed to your face making your cheeks turn a bright red. You shook your head and scoffed to try to hide the dramatic red of you cheeks and turned to keep doing your task.

“You and I both know I ain’t no princess.” You laughed and placed the clothes neatly on the side of his bed.

“You are to me.” You heard him say from across the room and you felt your heart sting once again. In a good and bad way.

“Come on. We have to head downstairs now.” You made your way to the door and waited until you heard his footsteps behind you to continue to the dining area of the palace.

“What do you think she’ll look like?” He nervously asked as he walked next to you. Hendery was never the one to do good around new people he meets, he tends to get shy around new people even through his humorous personality.

“She’s probably really pretty.” You blurbed out. Every time he had a dinner with his parents and another family you always got nervous. It meant that he was getting introduced to another princess that he’ll perhaps marry. You prayed that every time there was always something about them that Hendery didn’t like. And its been working up to this point.

But you knew it was wrong. The one thing that you wanted most in this world was for Hendery to be happy, even if it wasn’t with you.

But you couldn’t help the anticipation that creeped up your neck every time he came back and ranted to you about how he didn’t like the princess personality, or how awkward the whole dinner was without you there. You knew it was wrong, but you still did it.

“Please don’t make me go in there along.” He clinged onto your arm like a kid. Your body tensed and you turned to look up at his big brown eyes that captivated you. Hendery could feel how tense you were under his grip and he quickly let you go as he furrowed his eyebrows and looked over your face.

“Are you okay? You’re very tense today.” He looked at you with worry in his big eyes and you almost melted at that look.

“I-I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.” You assured him and nodded as you grabbed his arm and finished leading him to the big ball room where the dinner was being held.

You stopped right before the big silver doors and turned towards him to see him biting his lip and messing with hands.

“Are you nervous?”

His eyes snapped down at you for a second and they snapped back back towards the big doors before he answered. “A little. I know I’m not gonna merry. I’m still not ready for this whole marriage thing, but I just have a bad feeling about this.”

“Its okay, don’t be nervous. Everything will be fine my prince. Just remember I’ll be waiting upstairs as soon as that clock strikes 10. You can get through this dinner just as you got through the rest Hendery.” You gave him an encouraging look as you too stared at each other for a few seconds longer than usual.

All of the sudden you felt him pull you into a tight embrace as he snuggled his head between the crook of your neck. You have hugged Hendery dozens of time, but this time it felt different. Like this hug held every piece of emotion he had and just wanted to share it all with you.

“Thank you Y/N. I wonder how the hell am I going to get through life without you here by my side. I love you.” He whispered the last part into your hair as he slowly pulled away and held your stare for a little longer, before letting your body go and heading inside the bright ballroom.

You were left standing dumbfounded as his words. Hendery always shares his appreciation for you every chance he gets. But not like this. It’s usually a casual ‘Thank you” or a ‘Couldn’t have done without you’. But this time even though it wasn’t very long, it felt like he just spilled his heart out to you with every word that left his mouth

You blinked a couple of times before snapping yourself out of your daydream and before someone caught you staring off into space like an idiot.

It would be a long time for the dinner to be over so you decided to make your way up to your room and catch some rest before you met up with Hendery.

What was just ‘resting your eyes’, turned into long hours of you snoring your life away. By the time you woke up it was already past midnight; which meant that Henderys dinner ended hours ago.

He was probably off looking for you and soon gave up after not finding you, you thought.

It was probably too late to go wake him up so he can tell you everything about the dinner, so you decided to get up and go get yourself a cup of water.

You opened your door and silently made your way through the long corridors of the enormous palace. You passed by Henderys room and felt curious of to what he’s up too. He’s definitely sleeping so I shouldn't bother him.

You hurriedly went to the kitchen and got yourself a glass of water and quickly came back up.

On nights like these the castle was quiet, all the staffs were exhausting and went right to bed knowing that they had to get up during early hours in the morning. But these were the most peaceful of nights. You and Hendery would sneak off and watch the stars when you were teens in complete silence, stealing quiet glances at each other. Those were the days you were careless and didn't care about ‘rules’, you just enjoyed spending time with him and being around him.

You passed by Henderys room once again and the urge to open his door just to watch his sleeping figure surged back up. This time you didn't stop yourself from slowly and quietly opening the door to his pitch black room, the only source of light was the bright moon that shone through his window, outlining his silhouette that sat up on the edge his bed.

He refused to have curtains in his room, saying that “natural light was the best kind of light and it helps me photosynthesize”. Again. His words, not yours.

A quiet sob came from where he was sitting up on his bed, his hands covering his face as his shoulders bounced up and down. Your ears perk up at the sound of his sobs that almost broke your heart. You silently closed the door behind you and the sobs stopped. He automatically knew it was you in his room, since you were the only one who can come in without knocking.

“My prince, whats wrong?” You almost ran towards his bed, quickly dropping to your knees in front of him and holding his wrists trying to pry them from his face.

“I-I can’t d-do it.” He said between sobs. Hendery hated to cry in front of people, especially you. He thought that if people witnessed him cry; they would view him as weak. And if hes weak, they would think he isn’t ready to take the thrown.

“Hendery, what happened?” You sat next to him and brought his head to rest against your shoulder as he silently cried; letting out quiet sobs every once and awhile

You stopped asking him questions after a lack of responses from him and just let him cry on your shoulder. You ran your fingers through his black hair, letting them gently massage his scalp; which through the years you learned that it helps to relax him.

After a few minutes he finally calmed down and just stayed there, face buried between your hair and neck.

“Hendery, please tell me whats happening. It’s the only way I can help you.” You lifted his face out of your shoulder and held it between your hands like it was the most precious thing in this world.

“There’s nothing you can do. So whats the point?” He coldly replied. You watched the dry tears on his cheek, his eyes red and puffy, and his hair a mess from probably constantly running his hands through it.

“What happened down there? Please tell me.” Your eyes begged for him to open up to you and finally tell you what was so bad that has led him to crying; which is something that never happens.

“They married me off to her. They didn’t ask me. They just handed me over like some worthless possession. They want me to just get married to a person I hardly know? Without even thinking about my feelings?” he spoke almost as if he was talking to himself.

You felt your heart drop to the pit of your stomach, feeling as if the walls are just crashing down on you. The blood in your veins ran cold, and you held in every tear that was threatening to spill out because this wasn’t about you. It was about him.

He took your silence as a cue to keep going, “They said they’ve given me enough time to pick, that coronation is coming up and I need to be married now.” He looked down at his hands that laid on his lap, intertwined with yours.

“I-I” You couldn’t find the right words to say as millions of emotions and thoughts came into your body as fast as they left.

“You know, I always dreamed that the girl I got to marry was you.” His words made you snap your head up and looked at him with disbelief. “Since I was little and I proposed to you that day at the playground with a stupid candy ring; I always knew-” He paused as another hot tear rolled down his cheek. He caught his breath before starting to speak again.

“I knew that you were the girl I wanted to get down on one knee for. You were the girl I wanted to rule this kingdom with. You were the girl I wanted to have kids with and grow old together. I always wanted it to be you.” Tears were now rolling down your face as you stared at him.

“Why are you waiting until now to tell me this? Right before you’re about to get married.” You looked at him through teary eyes and watched as he silently looked over every feature on your face with full adoration in his eyes.

“Because I cant have you thinking that I never loved you. That I didn’t spend nights awake just waiting until the next morning for you to burst into my room and drag me out of bed.” He laughed and you chuckled as the tears kept flowing, soon enough it would be a pool of tears in here.

“I want to marry you. And only you.” You stared at each other as silence fell in the dark room, but soon enough realization started to hit you.

“You can’t marry me Hendery.” The look on his face fell when he heard the words that left your mouth. “You’re meant to be a king. I’m just there to take care of you. What will people think when they find out that you married the adviser?” You looked at him with sad eyes and tried to pull your hands from the tight grip on his lap, but failed because he just ended up holding them tighter.

“Does it look like I care what people think? I fell in love with YOU. I didn’t fall for the amount of money you have, or what family you come from. Its always been you.” He let one of his hands come up to caress the side of your face and you couldn’t help but lean into his gentle touch.

“I don’t want you to regret this.” Your other hand came up to hold the one that laid on your cheek and ran your thump over the top of his hand, feeling the softness of his skin.

“Trust me, the only thing I ever regret doing is not telling you this any sooner.” A smile came upon his features as he looked from your lips to your eyes; asking for permission.

You slowly leaned in and he met you half way. Your lips slowly melted into one another in a soft gently kiss. He leaned away to look you in the eyes. “I love you so much” He whispered against your lips.

“I love you too” You replied before he closed the gap once again and rejoined your lips into a more passionate kiss as your lips danced against one another.

You knew. You always knew that he was the one made for you.

A/N: This story was actually pretty decent i’m not gonna lie. Definitely doing a part 2 to this in the future ;)

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rogsclogs · 5 years

Text

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 5

Hello there! The first half of this was already written before my laptop died on me weeks ago, so I was able to finish it pretty quickly. I hope you enjoy, can’t wait to get on with this story. Feedback is always appreciated :)

Taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @ladylannisterxo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @queenismylifenow (if you want to be tagged please message me)

previous parts are found under the ‘some day one day’ tag!

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Brian spent the whole 25 minutes between the phone call and Y/N’s arrival pacing around his living room in a worn out shirt and a pair of briefs, his mac and cheese long forgotten and his mind lost in space. He’d tried to tidy the house a bit, hiding dirty clothes and his daughter’s toys under the bed and in old plastic boxes, but his nerves couldn't let him focus on one task and he ended up ignoring most of the chaos he’d made.

He didn't know why, but he truly wanted to make a good impression on Y/N and for her to like him for who he was, although he knew that wasn't the reason she was coming over. He shouldn't even have had those thoughts in the first place.

He stared at the door for a couple of minutes until the doorbell rang and he felt his heart try to break his ribcage apart.

After taking a quick look at himself in the small mirror he had hung in the hallway and shaking his head at the image reflected back, disappointed at his appearance with bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d been experiencing lately and curly hair all over the place from running his hands through it way too often, he hurried to the door to not let her wait outside too long, considering how cold it had gotten that night.

When he opened it, he was shocked to see a very distressed Y/N who somehow looked tinier than usual with her shoulders hunched and makeup stains all over the soft skin of her face. Before he could stop his actions, he reached out and gently wiped the area under her eyes with his thumbs, holding her cheeks in his palms as she leaned into his right hand seeking comfort and affection.

“Hi Brian”

“Hi my love, did you drive here?” He asked with concern, not wanting her to get behind the wheel in such a state.

“I did. It’s fine though, I’m a pretty good driver”

“I don’t doubt that, but you should be careful. You could have asked me to come pick you up”

She shrugged and detached her eyes from his own, not needing to be scolded from him in such an emotional state.

Brian stepped aside and finally let her in his apartment. She took notice of everything that surrounded her, the pictures on the walls and the shelves, the shoes that were left abandoned by the closet and the different pieces of forniture, some of which strongly contrasted with each other. She noticed an old black and white picture of a very young Brian holding a guitar and smiling at the camera and took it in her hands, admiring his features which she realized hadn't changed much since his youth days.

“You play?” For some reason that detail about him surprised her, maybe she thought someone as dedicated to physics as him couldn't have many other hobbies. To be honest, the guitar looked amazing on him, like he was meant to have it on himself at all times.

“I do. That picture is older than you probably, it’s from 1969. But yes, I do play, I’m in a band with a couple of my friends”

He smiled fondly at the memory of him and his three best friends playing for small crowds when they were younger and full of life as he watched Y/N take in every detail of his house. It wasn’t very big, anything he earned from his job he spent on spoiling his daughter, but it was cozy and homey, and Y/N thought it represented him very well, with scattered papers all around and posters of planets and galaxies almost everywhere.

“I’d love to hear you play one day” she said before something caught her attention: a very tiny pink shoe left laying on the ground, which Brian must had forgotten to put back in its place previously.

The thought of him having children had never crossed her mind for some reason, but in that moment she realized that she shouldn't have made assumptions, after all she knew almost nothing about him. He noticed her eyes wandering and took a close look at her reaction, not knowing what to expect from her.

“You.. have kids?” The words sounded even stranger on her tongue.

“I, uhm, I have a daughter, yes. Emily. Yeah. She's not here tonight though, don't worry” he blushed profusely at the idea of Y/N knowing about Em, he didn't even exactly know why but to him it was always a struggle to open up about anything even remotely personal.

“I never thought you’d be the kind of person to have children Brian, but that's absolutely adorable”

He swiftly took his wallet from out of his old bag that he usually brought to school and pulled out a tiny picture of a very smiley, red cheeked and wide eyed little girl, proudly showing it to Y/N.

“This is her, she's the love of my life”

Y/N examined the picture, trying to find little clues that connected her to Brian and, in fact, finding many and realizing just how similar the two were. She was fascinated by the little girl and by the idea of tall, lanky professor May being a dad.

“She’s beautiful, Brian. She looks just like you” she said after a while, hoping that with that statement she had made it clear that she thought he was also extremely beautiful. Actually, the word beautiful couldn't even begin to express the way she saw him, but it was a start.

He smiled fondly at the girl in front of him seeing genuine interest in her eyes.

“You might meet her one day, I’d love for you to” as he spoke those words he realized just how true they were, he realized he wanted Em to get to know Y/N and watch movies about fairies and princesses with her, and he couldn’t understand why. Emily had a mother already, granted she wasn’t the most maternal person in the world, but she tried her best just like Brian did. Sometimes he felt like she didn’t do enough though, Emily would often come back home to him from a weekend spent with her mother craving affection and physical contact, so did that mean that her mother wasn't able to provide those things for her? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Y/N grabbed Brian’s hand and held it close to her body without thinking twice, she knew that would bring her comfort and all she wanted was a break from the emotional pain.

“Sorry for getting here so late, you’re always so kind to me but you really didn’t have to invite me here, maybe you had better plans in mind than listen to me whine”

“Don’t even say that love, I couldn’t stand knowing you weren’t okay and not doing anything about it”

Brian lingered a bit longer than usual on the last words, wondering if it was alright for him to keep going.

“I have grown quite attached to you Y/N, I only want what’s best for you, I hope you never forget that” he decided to say.

Almost instinctively he opened his long and skinny arms, letting Y/N crash her head on his firm chest then wrapping them around her, bending his head so that his curls would caress her cheeks as she left tears stains on his shirt.

“I’m such a mess Brian, I don’t know how to go on from here, I feel lost, I mean, I wasn’t even able to pass this test and that's a clear indication that I’m never going to achieve anything in my life” she was able to shakily let out a few words in between sobs and sniffles. She didn’t know what pushed her to feel so free and able to let herself be emotional around a man that she clearly didn't know that well after all, but there was an aura around him that smelled like home and family and love, and Y/N had never had much of any of those things.

He knew she wasn't thinking straight and that she was allowing her negative thoughts and insecurities run wild and take over her brain, he’d been in that same position many times in his own life.

“Take a deep breath baby, you’re fine and I promise you’re always going to be fine. If it takes us two more years to get you to pass that test than that’s how long we’re gonna be working for. You’re gonna achieve such great things in life and I can tell because you’re so young and yet so determined and willing to fight already, that's not something everyone has in them. You are special love, I truly want you to learn to see that. Failures teach us how to keep going, not how to quit”.

His words were wonderful and spot on, she didn't know how he always somehow knew exactly what to say in any circumstance, but in that moment she felt the need to cry her feelings out, and Brian didn't question her, he understood her even when she didn't say a word.

“Shall we make tea? Would that make you feel better in any way? It’s not magic, but I can make it for you just like my mom used to make it for me when I was young and ill, it’s life changing I promise” he said with a gentle expression on his lightly freckled face.

All Y/N had to do was nod and she suddenly found herself sat on the kitchen counter staring at the gentle giant in front of her who was currently fixing her tea, she didn't even have it in herself to wonder how she got there because for once she felt like that was exactly where she belonged.

Brian could feel her eyes on him the whole time and he didn't mind the attention at all.

He handed her a steaming cup and got one for himself. Silence surrounded them, but it wasn't an awkward one, it was rather calming for Y/N’s nerves and excruciating headache. She was able to recollect her thoughts and realize just how lucky she was to have his support available at any hour of any day.

“I should probably head back home soon Bri, if my parents find out I’m not in my bedroom they're going to flip on me”

“What did you tell them about the test?”

He didn't know anything about her parents apart from the few things that had slipped from her mouth every once in a while during their tutoring sessions, but the fact that their own daughter was currently at his apartment seeking help and emotional support instead of being with them told him more about the kind of people they were than any words could.

“I just said that I tried my best and that I won’t know how I did for another couple of weeks at least, then I gave them a big fake smile and disappeared. I kept it simple”

Brian nodded understandingly then wrapped his arms around her once more, not for any specific reason, but he felt that she could have used an extra hug. He felt weird, in a way that he would never be able to explain to himself even years after these events took place. He felt his stomach twist in a nervous knot and an overwhelming urge to kiss the girl and never let go of her. He wanted to be physically and emotionally connected to her and show her that not everything in life was so terrible after all. He wanted her, night and day, all of her.

A big part of him, however, knew very well that what he wanted was morally questionable.

He couldn't just go and kiss her without at least talking to her about it first, what if that's not what she wanted? She could have gotten him fired if she’d spread the word to anyone in school. Was it worth risking his whole career over this one girl? (Yes, yes it was).

Maybe if she hadn’t been his student and years younger than him things would have been different, but anyhow he was able to keep those urges under control by holding her tighter against his body, allowing himself to pretend for a second things could actually be different.

He couldn't believe his own conscience, but his feelings were stronger than anything he’d ever experienced and later on, when Y/N left his house despite his concerns about her safety and his offer to let her sleep over for the night, he found himself wishing he didn't have so much self control.

#Brian May x reader #Brian May #queen #queen fandom #queen fic #queen x reader #fanfiction #borhap #writer #Some Day One Day #bohemian rhapsody #brian harold may

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toxikbubblegum · 5 years

Text

May Reading Wrap Up

I'm actually really proud of myself. I finished 13 books last month. Spent a lot of extra time away from screens and focusing on my mental health so I burned through way more than I normally would. So anyways, here's my reviews. - Also please understand that these are just my opinions and if I shit on your favorite book I'm sorry that I didn't enjoy it as much as you. Also, also Im terrible with character names.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor ⭐⭐⭐

I actually started this book at the end of April but didn't finish it til May 1st so whatever, here it is. This books is a YA urban fantasy novel about a girl with a double life. She spends half her days studying art in Europe and the other half running errands for a tooth collecting wish monger. I don't want to say a whole lot more because I dont want to spoil anything important about the plot. So, I'll try to be vague. Let me start by saying this story is amazing. I loved the writing and the world. I rated it so low solely because I can't stand the two main characters and it really dragged down what would have otherwise been an amazing novel. So yeah, great book but its a preference thing. Also took points off for the insta-love but not really insta-love shit. Idk. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this read even a month later. Gonna read the second to see if maybe my hatred of the two mains was just a fluke.

3/5 Stars

Spellbound by Rachel Hawkins

⭐⭐⭐

This is the third book in the Hex Hall trilogy. Not much to say about it. It was a meh ending to an overall pretty good series. 3/5 stars. Moving on.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw

⭐⭐⭐

Realizing now how many of my reads this month were pretty middle of the world. Hopefully next month will be filled with 4 and 5 stars. Anyways, this book was honestly a struggle for me to finish and Im not sure why. It's a YA mystery magical realism story about a tiny coastal town that is cursed by the spirits of 3 sisters who were suspected of witchcraft and drowned 2 centuries prior. Because of this, every year the sisters return from the sea to take the lives of teenage boys by luring them to the sea. We follow the life of kind of meh and standard YA girl #1. She meets a strange non tourist boy and hires him to work in the lighthouse her family owns. Her dad randomly disappeared years ago and her mom is a loon. So yeah... I dont know. I kind of felt like this story was hot garbage in places. I usually dont have any trouble with the suspense of disbelief in magical realism stories but this one just had too many plot holes. Like, I get morbid stuff becomes tourist attractions but why wouldn't someone have stepped in and evacuated the town if at least 3 teenage boys die there EVERY SINGLE YEAR without fail? I honestly feel like the FBI or some other government agency would have cleared the place out after the first 20 or so deaths. There was also the whole MC can see the ghosts of the girls possessing people but chooses not to tell anyone? Like, I get it. You dont want people to label you a freak or think you're crazy but come the fuck on. You live in a tourist trap where people flock to watch local teenage males wash up on shore and you really think the authorities arent going to take you up on the help? It wasn't an awful book by any means. It was well written and extremely descriptive. Just had major beef with some of the details. Anyways, I wont say much more so I don't spoil the whole book.

3/5 Stars

An Enchantment of Ravens by Maragret Rogerson

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Finally, I get to talk about one of my favorite reads of the month. I love anything to do with the Fae in my YAfiction and this was literally everything I wanted in a Fae novel. It takes place in a town called Whimsy, a humanish town in the world of Faerie. The fae cannot do any Craft, or what we would consider craftsmanship. Art and humans who can do it well are very precious in this world because the Fae can't ever do it themselves. We follow the adventures of a girl who has been commisioned to paint the portrait of the Autumn King and the chaos that ensues. Let me just start by saying this is one of those insta-love situations where I feel like it's genuinely ok. I might be making excuses because I loved the title so much but whatever. It's explained and I accept it. Also, I realize that Gadfly had a lovely description but my brain willl not let me picture him as anything but Mr.Waternoose from Monsters Inc.

5/5 Stars

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

⭐⭐⭐

This book started out so good and went downhill very quickly. It follows the story of these two magicians who were fated by their Master's to one day fight to the death. There were so many things I loved about this book only for the last 100 pages to just take a firey dump on my face. I loved the setting and the majority of the characters. The supporting characters were so deep and interesting that I almost cared more about them than I did Ceilia and Marko (Im proabably wrong and I dont feel like googling but I think that was his name) . I don't know. I don't want to complain about anymore meh books.

3/5 Stars

Matched by Allie Condie

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Went into this book expecting to hate it. I usually don't like contemporary love stories but this had major City of Ember meets The Giver vibes and it just appealed to that 14 year old girl in me again. That seems to happen with a lot of dystopian utopia stories. Anyways, story is about a girl who lives in this town where when you hit a certain age you are brought to a place and told who the government has chosen for you to marry. She is matched with her life long best friend and all is well. Except that her little Get To Know Your New Husband microship thing showed her two guys instead of just one. And lots of bullshit ensues. I honestly think I rated this so high because I enjoy the world and not so much whats actually happening to the kids. Like, I loved the idea that art is harmful so the government chose 100 acceptable pieces and thats all these people know. I loved the brutality of the government in general. I can't say much more without spoiling some of the twists but geez did it have me hooked. I'm going to be started the second one soonish, though my TBR for June has gotten intense so we will see.

4/5 stars

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so fucking good! Not going to rant about it or anything because y'all just need to go read it immediately.

5/5 stars

Would give it every star in the sky if Im being completely honest.

Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh

⭐⭐

Got sucked into this book by the cover and honestly that was the best part of this book. Its about this world where necromancy is pretty highly regarded and used to resurrect the royals after they die. The only downside is that if a living person ever lays eyes on the resurrected person's skin then they turn into these horrible monsters. Maybe it's just me but like that absolutely does not seem worth the risk. Plus, in order to bring the person back, these reapers have to go into the death world and bring the spirit back. And it's HELLA DANGEROUS. So like, WHY? Anyways, there is this stupid underlying love story that I absolutely wasn't invested in. This just all around was not a good book.

2/5 stars

Monster High by Lisi Harrison

⭐⭐

Little known fact~ I'm obsessed with Monster High and Ever After High. So yeah, I realize this wasn't targeted to me as an adult but even going into it with an open mind I was disappointed. Granted I didn't read the description of the book prior. I just saw this franchise I love and grabbed it. First, if you are a fan of the mini series and the movies do not read this. It doesnt follow the cinematic canon and I think that was my biggest problem with it. Frankie's character was all wrong and I hated the whole"Normy" cast. Was really excited for these but I definitely won't be continuing the series. I don't even want to torture myself with seeing how they manage to ruin my sweet baby Draculara.

2/5 stars

Unhinged by AG Howard

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I can't say enough good things about this series. This is the second book in the trilogy and it was a fanatstic bridge book. It had me engrossed through the entire audiobook. Morpheus is still everything. If you loved Splintered I would highly reccomend continuing.

5/5 stars

Truthwitch

⭐⭐

Have had this on my TBR for a while because of how many Booktubers have hyped the series. Buy, was I disappointed. I was soooooooooo bored. Maybe it's because I don't really enjoy this type of fantasy or maybe it was just the slower paced story but I just slugged through this book. Both of the main female characters were bland to me and I didn't care about their friendship. The world was cool but not enough to keep me invested. Just wasn't my cup of tea.

2/5 stars

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

⭐⭐⭐

Picked this up because of how much I loved The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein and it didn't meet my expectations. It follows this girl who works for a paranormal gorvenment group. She has a special ability that makes her really useful to them so they are trying to groom her basically. They capture this changeling and she befriends him and there is an overarching plot that I just didn't get invested in. The friendship between the two main characters was pretty much the only thing that I enjoyed in this title. The mother figure was insufferable and I just didn't really understand the whole org that they worked for in general. Not an awful book but not fantastic.

Solid 3/5 stars.

The Siren by Kiera Cass

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Going to preface this by saying I might be biased. I love Kiera Cass and have enjoyed almost everything she has written. That said, this wasn't nearly as good as The Selection series but it was a pretty good stand alone novel. It about a girl who becomes a siren on her deathbed and spends the next 100 years serving the sea by luring people to their deaths. After doing this for 70 years, she falls in love and pretty much ruins everything. Loved the characters, especially the male lead. The insta love was a little pet peeve of mine but the love interest was so sweet and genuine that I was willing to overlook it. Pretty good read if you dig supernatural romance.

4/5 stars

June holds the Ghibli-a-thon but also lots of holidays for my family so we will see how much I actually get read. So far my tentative TBR is 5 books but we will see where the days take me.

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anarcho-smarmyism · 5 years

Note

God i fucking feel the whole psychiatrists are shit / fuck the medical system vibe. My shrink ignored and downplayed my complaints about antidepressants and kept increasing the dose until i went full on manic state mode. Now i dont trust anyone and im still suffering lmfao

yeah you would not BELIEVE the shit i had to do to get doctors in Texas to take me seriously about any mental disorder that wasn’t either bipolar, anxiety, or depression. people really think that it’s just as simple as “getting up and going to the doctor!!!” but in reality it’s more like:

(this got WAY long so it’s under a cut lmao) (trigger warning for basically everything you can imagine btw)

fucking read up on the DSM, try to figure out which symptoms you have, go on goddamn tumblr and sort through the tags of various MIs until you find someone who seems like they’re not full of shit (professionally diagnosed or otherwise). try to have conversations with these people about these conditions, and what it’s like to live with them meanwhile a bunch of irrelevant assholes are hounding you trying to “prove” you’re lying for attention or something. go look through forums of people with the Edgy mental illness you think you might have, watch how they talk, try to figure out if that’s what you do, or if maybe you’re just over analyzing, or paranoid, or something.

THEN you gotta make calls and calls and calls trying to get seen by a real doctor in the first goddamn place. the only ones that take medicaid are shitty and obviously mostly aimed at “rehabilitating” addicts, but you take what you can get. meet the doctor and be polite and try to, like, surreptitiously feel out whether you can be honest, or need to heavily edit what you tell them so you don’t end up fucking institutionalized. pretend you’re too stupid to use Google and you’ve never heard of the DSM, try to describe the symptoms you have as honestly as you can without letting on that you’ve done any of your own research. have the motherfucker blow you off and say you can’t possibly have what you think you have because you’re “too nice” or “too self-aware” or because you’re in any way interested in self-improvement that you can’t POSSIBLY have a personality disorder. finally convince him that it’s possible you MIGHT have a cluster B personality disorder, but he won’t diagnose it because of ~the stigma~. get prescribed whatever standard mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety he feels like giving you.

go to see a therapist. the therapist ALSO does not believe you when you say you may be dealing with something worse than “depression and anxiety”. when you talk about why you think you have the thing, she asks a million weird, invasive questions that sound like she thinks you live in a fucking Lifetime movie. she OBVIOUSLY doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but she’s a ~professional~ and you’re not, so you just try your best to get whatever out of it you can. you get very, very little out of it, because she’s trying to treat “depression and anxiety”, and that’s not what you have, and she is not qualified to treat what you have, and you both know it, but you’re poor and can’t afford a doctor who’s qualified. all the doctors keep telling you about the godawful stigma and telling you how you want to “avoid the label”. you try to explain that you don’t give a fuck about the label or the diagnosis, you just want the treatment. they obviously don’t believe you, and obviously think you can’t tell that they don’t believe you.

so you think, fuck it. i’ll do it myself. i’ll talk to people online who have the Edgy mental illness i think i have, i’ll ask for their advice. and they actually have good, practical, helpful advice! they share worksheets and stories and tell you ways to cope. and it’s hard and it sucks at first, but you practice and it gets easier. but if you ever try to talk to people irl about that? you’re full of shit. you’re making it up, you’re too crazy or stupid or young, too female and too poor, to know what you’re talking about. “you gotta go talk to the PROFESSIONALS”, people insist. “you gotta get a DOCTOR to tell you what’s going on.” try all day to convince any of them that the doctors are sometimes full of shit. it won’t work. it will NEVER work. you are too easy to dismiss and Professional Authorities are too easy to believe.

and the people who don’t tell you to have blind faith in The Professional Doctor Authority? they tell you that “it’s all in your head”. they tell you, if you would just Buck Up and Try Harder, the shit would go away. they say everyone gets sad sometimes and if you try to explain you didn’t just “get sad”, they roll their eyes and say you’re dramatic. exaggerating. it’s just How Your Generation Is. entitled and spoiled. oh what, you’ve been dirt poor for the last decade? you actually DIDN’T always have laptops and iphones and wifi and all that shit? oh whatever, that’s a fluke, doesn’t really count, you’re STILL entitled because of your “””generation””””

one day, after you’ve been having panic attacks nigh on constantly and deliriously telling yourself that you’re just imagining it, you’re just MAKING IT UP, eventually realize there’s no way you’re making this up. that you don’t know what you’ll do if you don’t get help soon. someone tells you, if you’re thinking about killing yourself, just call the hotline! they’ll help you! you’re suspicious, but what you’ve been doing isn’t working. so you give it a shot. you call them and tell them what you’re going through. they tell you to go to the ER. you go to the ER, they ask you questions, reassure you that you really do need to be here, then have some fuckin’ cop tell you, very slowly and softly, that he’s gonna walk you across a parking lot to a building where they’re gonna help you. for some reason he jokes about how ugly the walls on the inside are. you do not give a SINGLE fuck about how the walls look, but you’re “a girl” and you’re in texas, so you act like it’s funny. he’s annoying you, but he’s also obviously trying to help. you shouldn’t blame him for not knowing how. he’s a cop, not a doctor.

when you get to the building, you talk to a woman who asks you what’s going on. you tell her the truth, she tells you it’s okay if you need to pace around, then she tells you that you should never go through the ER because that’s a $1000 bill. you’ve never even seen a thousand dollars in cash before. what the fuck? she tells you you’re gonna stay for probably about 3 days, and then they tell you to sit on a bench, in a room by yourself, nothing to occupy yourself with but a fucking TV blaring news about the weather, apparently there’s a big storm somewhere and people are scared. you are hysterically crying and panicking and they leave you there for HOURS. you think maybe you’re in purgatory. you hear doctors in the next room laughing, talking cordially. your mind is devouring itself as you sit there shaking and trying to hold it together through faith and tenacity alone, and this is just another day at work for them.

before they’ll let you in, they strip search you. they count your scars and comment, almost laughing, to one another about how many there are, how neat they are. where you hid them. you try to make conversation and they ignore you. you are not a person, you are a patient. you want to scream at them but you know that will only make things worse, so you grit your teeth and stare into space and try not to react to anything at all. finally they believe you aren’t hiding anything and they walk you into the room with the other “general” patients. the woman says something about how “some of them are quiet and some of them are loud”. she smiles at you and you want to tear her fucking face off but you know she just doesn’t know what to say. there’s nothing to say. so you just nod and go talk to some of the other patients. they’re pretty cool, pretty nice. they try to hug you but they get yelled at for it. touching isn’t allowed.

you dont even realize for a couple hours that you’re still wearing the thin blue hospital clothes they gave you after they strip searched you. you have to go ask one of the nurses to give you your clothes and let you into a room to change. you put on your clothes, feeling slightly more human, but you still have to wear those goddamn socks instead of shoes, because your shoes are too beat up and shitty to wear without the laces. you zone out for a while and at some point, realize that while you were hysterically sobbing and packing some clothes and notebooks and books to take with you (most of which they would confiscate, telling you to go read some boring magazines about babies and dating and flowers and shit), you without realizing it, grabbed your Harley Quinn t shirt. the one where she’s looking at the camera, smirking as two cops are, apparently, about to drag her away for questioning. for some reason this is the funniest thing that has EVER happened to you. you start laughing and you can’t stop, and everyone looks at you like you’re crazy -the patients look concerned, the nurses look smug and knowing.

you eventually get it together. you remember you can’t sleep without the mood stabilizers you’ve been prescribed. you tell the nurses that, tell them you brought the pills with you, should be with your things. they politely blow you off with what is clearly a canned response, saying you’ll be able to talk to a doctor tomorrow. they ask you what your dose was, you say you don’t remember but you think it was 200mg, you tell them your doctors’ name so they can check. they nod understandingly and you think they’re gonna check. (you will later find out that they just took your word for it, and you were WAY off; you were only on 50mg. they gave you 200mg anyway. you later find out how fucking lucky you were that quadrupling your dose didn’t ACTUALLY fucking kill you.) when you eventually give up on sleeping at 4am and drag yourself up to pour some of the shitty hospital coffee they’re serving, the nurses ask you how you slept and act surprised when you say that you didn’t. “oh, you poor thing.” then they ask when’s the last time you ate and when’s the last time you took a shit and blah, blah, blah. you don’t remember most of it.

when you try to talk to any of the nurses about trying to actually TALK to someone about what you’re dealing with, they tell you they “don’t do that here”. they tell you that’s the “outpatient program”. they make you go to group where they hand out these cute little pamphlets with cute little cartoon stereotypes of people in abusive homes, make you all go around and say which one you are. the nurses think you don’t notice them smirking at you, but you do. during group one day, they talk about a man who lost his wife of 50 years and who was smiling and whistling the next day, because when asked if the cup is half empty or half full, he replies "it's a beautiful cup". the girl about your age who came here after a bender for help with her drinking problem thinks that is so profound that when she gets out of here, she goes and gets a tattoo of a cup with that quote. later, you will admire her tattoo and be happy that the story helped her. on the other hand, they also say things like that "every situation can be good". they use the example of the big storms that are currently happening, somewhere in the world: the storm is bad, but look at how people are helping each other! it's a good thing, after all! the other patients smile. you don't; you say, but a lot of people still died. a lot of people still lost their homes. that's bad. it doesn't matter if some people also helped. the nurses glance at each other nervously and double down: no, you have to "find the good" in the situation. they smile at you and tell you patronizingly how very, very smart you are. you know that's not a compliment, and you also know that THEY don't know that it isn't a compliment. you decide to just keep your mouth shut; the other patients seem to be comforted by this crap. who are you to tell them they're wrong? you shut up.

every night, one of the nurses announces that she is a motivational speaker “outside of here” and talks about Jesus and Overcoming Adversity for about twenty minutes. she clearly has been through some real shit in her life, and she also clearly believes she is really, really helping somebody with her Motivational Speeches. you don’t know if anyone else is getting something out of this -other people are often comforted by things that seem completely ridiculous to you- but you suspect they don’t. whatever. good luck getting her to shut up about whatever she’s on about. (you confess to the doctor later that day that you sometimes think about hurting people. that night, the Motivational Speaker talks specifically about ‘wanting to hurt people’. you pay close attention, knowing she thinks she’s helping, but actually just thinking that they were lying their asses off when they said this shit was confidential. you think to yourself that you need to remember that.) at one point she tells a story about a girl who tried to kill herself and failed, ended up paralyzed. the moral of the story, she says, is that “if you try to end your life before God is ready to take you, he may send you back worse off”. you stare at her and wonder, vaguely, how anyone worships the God you worship and talks about Him like that, like he’s some evil tyrant who would paralyze a child because she wanted to end it all, had the audacity to believe her life was her own to do with as she pleases. you are used to other Christians talking about God that way by now.

the main benefit of being in here is that you get actual, real anxiety medications -not the cheap, weak shit that Texas prescribes poor people asking for anxiety medications. that, and you’re in a safe place. well, not completely safe; a man much older and quite a bit taller than you overhears you and another inmate trading sex stories, most of them sapphic. he sits next to the two of you and listens to you talk for about fifteen minutes, then gets up and says something about d*kes being disgusting. you joke about him, but nervously. the other girl tells you “well if he tries anything, i’ll kill him”. you laugh and say thank you, but you know that’s bullshit. if he tries anything, everyone around you will be too late to help you. you think oh, maybe i’ll just avoid him, but the next time you go to get coffee he glares at you like he wishes you were dead, shakes his hand at you limply, and it takes you a second to remember that it’s sign language for “f*ggot”. you flip him off, but then go tell the nurses about it. you’re very careful to specify he didn’t actually threaten you, ‘cause he’s a black man and you don’t want to get him in Real trouble for “threatening” a white girl when he didn’t. the nurses tell you to “remember where you are” and that people in here are sick. you nod and say yeah, it’s probably fine. he probably won’t do anything. he has to sleep in a separate room from you, anyways.

at some point, you’re playing cards with about five other patients. talking and shooting the shit, starting to enjoy yourself. one of the guys who is in here for a suicide attempt keeps making “jokes” where the punchline is that women did something sexual. people keep not laughing and he’s obviously getting frustrated that people laugh at your jokes more than his. he starts talking shit about “sluts” and you try to, politely, reasonably, tell him that it isn’t his business who anyone sleeps with, that so long as nobody is lying or getting hurt, everybody has the right to sleep with whoever they want. he slams his hand on the table and says, “No! It’s disgusting and it needs to be destroyed.” He stalks off, too furious for words. You glance at the other “slut”, the same girl you talked about being gay with, and she agrees. everyone else takes his side, follows him around reassuring him that he totally respects women, and you’re just a crazy bitchy SJW. you know you’re right and you know he’s not just some poor wounded frat boy. you know he’s an actual danger to any woman he’s around. you also know that no one will believe you, so you just try to hold your tongue and not pick fights with him, because it doesn’t matter if you’re right. everyone will take his side. everyone always takes the man’s side.

eventually, 3 days are up. you feel calmer but just as empty and lost as you did before, except now you are approximately $2k in debt. you go to a nearby elementary school’s park, even though it’s overcast and cold, and you sit on a swingset and stare into space. there are a couple of kids there, but you figure so long as you leave them alone it’s okay. you stare into space for a good twenty minutes before you realize you still have that fucking bracelet on, the one with a bar code that they would scan every time they called you up to get your pills. you tear it off viciously, immediately.

a few minutes later, a woman walks out of her house, across the street, toward you. you watch her curiously. she approaches you and asks you “if you know where to get any bud”. you say sweetly, “i’m sorry, i don’t,” as if you don’t know for a fact that the woman is a cop because you live on this block, and have seen her cruiser, and also what fucking stoner walks up to someone they don’t know and asks for pot in front of 2 children and on a public school’s property? she wasn’t even dressed like a stoner, for fuck’s sake; just a cop’s approximation of what a stoner looks like. jeans and an oversized t-shirt and hoodie. please. was she even trying, or do cops really just think all stoners are complete morons? do you really look like that much of a stoner right now? doesn’t matter, anyways. you knew she was a cop, and you never tell strangers you do anything illegal anyways -not when you remember to watch your mouth, at least.

the outpatient program turns out to be more of the same bullshit. starts at 7am and they make you empty your pockets and stand with your arms out so they can use a metal detector on you and make sure you’re not smuggling anything in. they make you put your knife in your locker, and that annoys you because you always carry your knife with you when you’re not at home, but you know if you say that they’ll think you’re Violent. so you put it up and feel naked and exposed and try to act like everything is fine. try to be civil with people while you’re tired and irritable and everything is so fucking stupid but you never know, right? maybe they do have SOMETHING to teach you. maybe you’re just being full of yourself thinking these people are full of shit. so you make the pain in the ass arrangements for the little bus to come pick you up, dodging questions about whether the car outside your house runs and whether you have a license and whether it would be technically possible for you to drive yourself, even though you don’t have a license still and you know for a fact if you get pulled over for driving without a license it may be years until you can actually get your license.

the ‘group therapy’ in the outpatient program turns out to be mostly about making fucking collages and shit. they hand out pamphlets about Christianity and about how a butterfly can’t become a butterfly if it doesn’t fight its way through its cocoon. one of the days, the woman leading the group will not shut the fuck up about how she “knows” that talking to a different woman in a different room is going to give you all soooooo much anxiety. you want to tell her to fuck off, but you figure she’s just really green, they’re probably using you all to break in the brand-new “therapists”. you smile at her and make nice because she’s obnoxious and dumb but she’s trying. the woman who usually leads the group is obviously annoyed with you; you are too blunt, too aggressive, too confident in yourself, even now, even at rock bottom (except fuck,don’t tell yourself this is rock bottom, don’t say that, because then like clockwork, the rug will be torn from under you and you’ll find a way to sink even lower), for this woman’s comfort. you try AGAIN to tell her what you think you have. she tells you there’s no way you have it because you’re “too self aware”. you irritably explain that you think there is a strong possibility you do have it, and you explain why, and you try very hard not to scream when the most you can get out of her is some empty platitudes about “having self control” and “seeing the other person’s point of view”.

when she leaves the room, the other patients commiserate with you about what a fucking waste of time this is. one of them is mourning the death of her daughter, lost to suicide when she wasn’t even in high school yet, and she went to the office like she was supposed to, and had an argument with the girl working there and annoyed the girl, so the girl claimed that she was “suicidal” even though the patient said she’d been dealing with depression for decades and knew it wasn’t an emergency, and that’s why she was even here. she starts crying in group and you wonder if you should go up and hug her, or that would be overstepping a boundary. you stare helplessly. the woman leading group watches sympathetically for a few seconds, clears her throat, and diverts the conversation back to her lesson plan.

at some point, they call you in to talk to a doctor. there are three people about your age also in the room, writing stuff down on notepads. one of them asks you questions about every possible trauma and hardship you may have gone through. after you admit to each one she says softly, “im sorry that happened to you.” you are grateful to be treated like a human by somebody in the room, even as the doctor himself is clearly bored with this whole schtick. the meeting takes about fifteen minutes; within a few weeks they will send you a bill for several hundred dollars. that’s how much it costs to sit in a room while a doctor ignores you and lets medical students do his job, asking you about the worst things that have ever happened to you, for college credit so they can finish medical school.

they tell you to do “homework” that amounts to writing about your feelings, your worst memories, your deepest secrets. you try to convince yourself that you might actually get something out of this whole shitshow if you just go along, but you can’t stand the idea of letting that fucking woman read anything you write. whatever. you show up every day and say no, you did not do the homework. no, you do not feel guilty about not doing the homework. the woman who leads the group glares at you. you are an incorrigible crazy girl who must not want to get any better, after all. one day they have you all go outside, hold hands, and move a hula hoop around in a circle without letting go of each others’ hands. you make a skeptical face and the lady who leads the group says something about “being resilient enough” to do her stupid little exercise. you want to tell her to go fuck herself, there’s no part of this shit that has anything to do with resilience, but you know better than to argue. you participate and, incidentally, you pass the hula hoop quicker than everyone else did, and then you say “i don’t like to touch people”, because you don’t, and the other patients let go of your hands immediately. the lady who leads the group looks pleased with herself.

on the seventh day you drag yourself up in the morning to go to this stupid outpatient program, they just have you watch Inside Out and then fill out a paper about “what emotions does society tell us to repress”. you go through the motions, go eat the lunch they serve you, and go home, knowing you are not going to bother going to the next day. These people are full of shit. you have to figure this out on your own, as usual. at least you got the higher dose of mood stabilizers you needed, though.

you get a new job, because you quit your old one in a panic. you’re too anxious and pissed off all the time and awkward and unsure of whatever the fuck these people are so mad about when you can’t sit them down immediately or whatever, to be good at customer service, so you just start doing the grunt work. you’re still under the impression that being a hard worker when you first start a new job will help you keep the job; this job will be the one that lets you figure out you don’t actually want to give 100%, because then your coworkers will slack off and when you try to slack off, your boss will be mad at you for not performing the way you usually do.

it’s almost unbelievably difficult, but you keep showing up to work. you hide the panic attacks and you push through the depression. you smile and play nice even though everybody is full of shit and thinks you’re an idiot and you can’t ever, ever change their mind. you feel like you’re going to explode all the time, but you don’t explode. you don’t die. you don’t relapse. you toe the line and you slowly, slowly learn and improve and heal.

you try to talk to people about it. they won’t believe you. crazy people can’t fix themselves. they can’t reason their way through a problem, they can’t realize their behavior is an issue and take initiative, they can’t. it’s impossible. crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. only the Doctors can be trusted.

whatever. they’re full of shit. you have to figure out your own way to survive, just like always.

#actuallyborderline #actuallybipolar #adhd #yes it's offically diagnosed by a real doctor fuckin finally #asks #modestmousecankillme #this is a very frank and thorough description of what i went through trying to get help #i dont want pity and i dont want outrage. i just want ppl to know.#but it is long and it is upsetting so god please be careful clicking read more

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worangetravellertravels · 5 years

Text

A Travel To An Orange Sky V: Morning

Me and... my whispering self (”we need a better name!”) finally arrive home right at the dawn of day and... and...

“Why did we got this home? Oh that one IS an old memory! And it was basically”

THE VIEW

Behind our home we could see a distant yet lovely close countryside, full of farms and fruit trees, all of them obviouslly separated by fences, each separating and showing to us a different world, maybe similar but at the same time SO different from one another... behind all that we could see small brown and green hills that on a cold morning like today felt like a couple of ice cream balls and above those hills? The sun, just now shily coming up after a crazy and weird night inside my head... and something more. The sky? was a lively and bright orange

“Our favorite color”...

... Only because of a drink and cartoons.

We stared at the sun and the start of a new day without saying anything, not a whisper to be heard... thought I felt their presence with me, they were archiving and enjoying this memory inmensly... finally a proper nice thing to remember

“You have plenty of good memories... but you NEED new ones and the routine of your life doesnt always leave you up for them... besides with time some memories get... spoiled...”

I started to remember, dont ask me why, of the time I was in an online relationship with a girl, we were both in highschool, we fooled around and had fun... and one day when I was getting ready for a journey she called me and the only time I heard her talk she said “I love you”, I call her back and said the same... but then after a while we broke up because well... young teens in a recently born internet? Was silly... I think its the only time a girl has told me the love me, romantically at least.

...

“You’re crying now, we’re crying now... sorry... it just came to me! That’s like a curse or some shit, I just bring the memories back, I can’t always choose which I bring”

I wiped the tears away... and smiled

“Huh?”

Then what we need... is better memories for us to move on.

“What’s with the cocky smile? You have a pla... oh... I LIKE IT!”

So do I Worange... so do I.

“Worange? Is that my name now?”

I think? two random favorite things of me blend together

“That doesn’t make much sense”

We never have, have we?

“... shit you’re right”

And so I finally went back home to rest... and plan.

-----------------------

It’s morning and 7:44 am I dont wanna go to work

“But we want money to buy shit so get moving, no time for breakfast but you can buy something even just a candy, just eat something”

UGH okay okay. Thankfully the train station has a candy cart outside. My morning is the same as any monday, same routine same week, same feeling of wanting saturday to be already here... there is one difference though.

“Hey I remember the first time you listened to this story! you didnt thought much of it at the time but everytime you listen it pisses you off more and more and...”

Yeah, I guess it’s because I hate people being guilted and they were forcing him to pick a side, by basically being dicks... but I guess the development all the character got late rin the story made it worth it to me

“Still annoying”

Me and my whisperes (or Worange how I call it) are now on better terms. They still bug me and bring back bad memories or annoying ones... but either I listened or argue with them or sometimes if im lucky THEY bring me a good memory to listen. It’s weird you know? It’s like they say You’re your own best friend? and also your worst critic? That’s Worange to me... I just need to remember how to handle them...

“But you wont always will...”

Yeah I know, nothing is perfect. It’s not like magically you will stop being the obnoxious whisper in my shoulder... I just need to be more aware so we have a way to deal with it.

“And also...”

OKAY SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!

“Hehehehe... okay”

We actually have a plan. It will take a while to get there but since Worange seems to be related to memories... memories is what I’m gonna give them. I decided to begin writing stuff of my day eveyday, even the smallest things can be a better memory that routine day number 2534315 And there’s... something else...

I already have the letter done so when summer gets here? My three weeks will be spent traveling the country, following the road behind my home and seeing what the world has to offer. For better and Worse... I’ll become a traveller... and see if I can see an orange sky again.

“That’s gonna be... too many sentiments to describe to be honest”

It truly will... hopefully is worth it.

“You’re alive... so it is.”

THE TRAVELLER AND WORANGE WILL RETURN SOMEDAY... IN SEARCH FOR ANOTHER ORANGE SKY

———————————————

Notes:

Part 5 of 5 of a bigger story event. I THINK I FINALLY HAVE ABETTER IDEA WHAT MY BOOK WILL BE ABOUT! And this arc was a prologue to it... It wasnt my original idea, but around day 3 it evolved into it... random thanks in order:

@elphaba-fang a crazy event Idea that finally made me get back to writing, thanks

@ask-sayori-ddlc things can be depressing... but YOU are who decide to look at them in the best or worst light possible... indirectly you taught me that, thank you.

@ej121 thanks for your comments and feedback, I will finally play Celeste... someday, smash comes first xD

@mars-the-4th-planet and @misterjukebox8 you get a thanks just for being my friends this time... nothing wrong with that right? :P

and thanks specially to @tsunderydander... you reminded me I like to write... and that escalated into this... and hopefully more. Thanks my friend

Music to end this story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nbN5gXVPxI

#a lovely word game with my literature club #story #writers on tumblr #worange #aworangestory #revelation #a travel to an orange sky

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sakuya123draws · 5 years

Note

for the end of year meme: 1, 8, 10, 14, 20 !! Please and thank you!

OH MAH GOD IT’S LATE!!! (I am so sorry @nalufever I finally got around to answering asks and I’m starting with the most recent ones!! It’s appropriate as they are for the “End of the year” meme I reblogged!)

Anyways, without further ado, let’s answer these lovely questions~! >w

1. First things first, did you have a good year?

A: Well, I guess that is the first thing to ask when jumping from one year to the other! ^_^ If I’m being honest the year started out really bad. Lots of family problems, stress from college and my horrible relationship was weighing me down and draining me of my energy. I never want to blame anything on anyone, but I was in a dysfunctional relationship with someone and I finally got out of it around April. It’s a long story, but I don’t feel like dwelling on that stuff. I’m stronger now! (I mean I “hope” so ^ ^;) I was happy that I got in the honours roll for my first year which gave me entry to showing my artwork to judges at the college I got to! It was an amazing experience and I made some cool friends along the way! It’s a small class, but we’re like a family. :D As for my actual family, I lost my grandma…She was an inspiration to me and even today I will always show my appreciation for my grandparents! Other than that, my family had gotten better and we can finally understand each other a bit more when it comes to communication which is always a plus!! :3 Even on here with Tumblr being who it is, I still have lots of friends that didn’t leave and I’m happy to see they are better from last year! In short, (cause you can see THIS is a paragraph xD) I think the year was wishy-washy! It was all over the place, but it made up for it at the end to be called “good”. ^v^

8. Which fashion trends did you hate?

(I thought of him when I thought of the word fashion xD Don’t kill me, I LOVE Max

A: Even though my mom is a lady who lives by fashion, I can’t say I know the styles of 2018! ;w; I looked up a source (well you know Vogue and all that jazz :/) to base my opinion on. I only think this would be easier if I could say what I “loved”, but it’s a hate one so gotta be mean xD lol. I mean I never “hate” anything, so I’m gonna give it a shot.

One thing I don’t like about fashion trends if I’m being frank is that it’s usually clothes on the runway. Many styles I see based on Vogue’s source are styles I can’t see the everyday person wearing. Personally, I wouldn’t wear half of those designs outside. That’s just me. My sense of style is a hybrid of my mom’s fashion she wears/sells, 80′s-90′s fashions and cutesy outfits. (that I think I’d look bad in ;w;) I’m gonna give a small bullet point list. (I know I always say small xD)

Arty Impressions - This was the first one on the article I read. From what I can gather it’s fashion with famous works printed on it. (Artworks, for example, Andy Warhol’s, screenprints) I mean I can see the connection, but for me wearing something with a reproduced art piece is hard for me to personally wear. LIke it has to be done like how T-shirts have a design in the middle or small embellishments on it to make me wear it. The example I saw is fun and creative, but for me, I couldn’t see myself liking/wearing those pieces. It depends. 5/10? I guess xD

Plastic/see-through material - This honestly has been a reoccurring style that I have seen. It’s become more prominent now according to last year’s trends. I can’t stand the “see-through” look. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just too awkward to wear outside. LIke people will defend that you can wear what you want, but for ME and ME Only, I can’t wear those kinds of stuff. I would feel very scared/concerned with how I look. (Even to myself) If you don’t know what I am referring to, I mean like that umbrella looking material. (I’ve added the source in the paragraph above for this question! ^_^)

Geometric/Flannel Print - I can never see myself liking the flannel scene. For pyjamas, no problem! To wear outside, I can’t bring myself to do that. You can see me in an old sweater, but flannel I don’t think any of my friends have seen me in that xD I just can’t say it’s aesthetically pleasing to me. I have a problem liking this style. Maybe I will when I get older, but as I’m young and creative I see myself wearing clothes for the young generation! :P (my mom says that anyways xD lol) The clothes that make you feel like partying, even though you don’t go outside like me xD lol

As much as I love talking about fashion, I think I would bore everyone with my opinions. xD (You’re definitely not here for these are you? xD If so, thank you)

10. What song sums up this year for you?

A: I don’t have a definite answer, but I went through a lot of things. Many times I wanted to be in a dream world…Like to escape everything. All the pain and depression. I still feel that way, but in 2018 it was WAY worse. This song I originally heard in Silent Hill: Downpour (A GAME I LOVE ;w;) was a song I thought of when I see this question. I think it’s a great song! sad, but I’d recommend it. The singer’s voice is lovely. It invokes so many emotions in me ;w; (I’ll give a youtube link)

Ed Harcourt - From Every Sphere

14. Favorite new TV show?

(I HAD to make it this guy >w

WARNING: HUGE ANSWER BELOW!

A: Well, as you may know, I don’t watch many shows anymore. I mostly play video games, but for the sake of this amazing question, I’ll say what anime(s) I did enjoy last year! I don’t think I’ve ever loved an anime as much as I love Gintama. It’s really funny because I originally “disliked” Gintama. It was a naive thing for the young me to have said at the time. I judged the show so harshly after seeing anime (IMO) being shat on with the usual themes and scenes I ALWAYS see. I began to give up on anime as a whole. My story starts when I was pissed at my brother telling me, “Gintama is amazing Tash, trust me you’ll regret hating it.” I answered with my normal response of, “ sure Ja, you ALWAYS say that. How will this be any different?” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…Well, it’s too late now for present-day me. My brother showed me all the “humorous” parts first. (I honestly felt like he tricked me, but the show really starts that way xD) Anyways, we eventually watched a few episodes and I told him I didn’t understand the humour. (it’s honestly hard to get into if you’re not open-minded or don’t understand the comedy Sorachi uses) Until he decided to hit me with his ace, “The Shinsengumi Crisis Arc”. All I can say is, a different side of me was born. I started to see what a show could truly offer if it was done right, the way I wanted to see it. It’s hard to explain, but without Gintama’s sad/inspirational/happy/stupid/clever story writing/arcs I don’t think I would have ever gotten through 2018. I haven’t finished the episodes as of its recent update, but I really learned a lot from the show. I want to give a HUGE shoutout to Sorachi for writing this masterpiece and I would 10000% recommend it to ANYONE! It’s a show that changed my views on people’s situations and lives. I think all the arcs are amazingly written and so far I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of it! It really got me in the feels. I can honestly say that if you can’t feel after seeing an arc in Gintama, you haven’t felt. It’s that amazing! (Then AGAIN, it’s an opinion not everyone will sadly share xD) Also, I am really enjoying Bleach! I’m sad at how it ended in terms of what things happened and I honestly hope Kubo will be ok. I loved his episodes and the earliest ones really touched my heart like Gintama. He’s also really great at making me cry every episode! :P

(GOD SORRY FOR THE ESSAY AND STUPID STORY LINES xD I’m sorry I can’t add a RM for this b/c then everything under can’t be seen like the other answers ;w;)

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

Well…YES! Many obsessions!! The real question is which is the one that I obsess over the most? Well I’ll put some bullet points to hopefully make it smaller xD

First of all, I don’t want to say it but I’ve taken a “liking” (what an understatement lol) to Gin Ichimaru from Bleach~! >////

I think everyone knows, but I have an obsession with cute/pink/pretty stuff. (Can it be called that?) I just LOVE pastel colours or pinks/blues/purples. Those kinds of soft colours you see in Hello Kitty toys or Fairy Kei/Kawaii merch (if I’m correct xD) I just have a HUGE soft spot for childhood stuff! I literally still act like a kid xD lol I don’t think I’ll be growing up anytime soon haha xD lol I just love to collect them! :)

Vaporwave I guess has become a new obsession and old art styles of the past! I just can’t stop being in awe at those marble statues! The curvature and bodies are so magnificent! >w

So many different art styles that are brought to this world! :D This is the truth! I absolutely love most styles I see on here and whenever I encounter them! >w

Other than that, I don’t think I have any other obsessions I know about :P Sorry, I’m super boring xD That’s the art student life lol (only me guys xD dw)

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR MESSAGING ME AND SENDING THIS AMAZING ASK YOU AWESOME PERSON!!! @nalufever I am so happy to have gotten something from you and I hope you’ve had a great Christmas and Happy New Year, friend!! I hope you stay happy and healthy this year!! All the best to you! Thank so much once again for taking the time :)

If anyone else is interested, you can send me something as well~!

Take care from me and Happy New Years everyone!!!

Saku~!

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yiangchen · 6 years

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If there was one aspect (a certain character, a relationship, the plot of a season, etc.) of the 100 that you had control over (aside from Blarke), what would you choose and why? It can be something that's already happened in a previous season that you would change and replace with something else. Like, if you didn't like a certain storyline from a previous season or something. You can also pick a dead character and make it so they're alive. (yes im asking you your own question, i gotta know)

When I asked you this, I had a straight answer: the Blake sibling relationship. That relationship in seasons 1-2 means so much to me and I’ll forever be bitter with the gross direction it took in season 3 (and on).

Once I had more time to think about it though, I was considering picking season 3 in general (like you did), but since I’m in the process of rewriting season 3 already, I don’t wanna spoil any of my ideas for that fic (even though let’s be honest, I’ll probably never finish it. I’m at about 10,000 words rn and the plan is for it to be like 100,000.)

BUT ANYWAYS, since I’ve been so indecisive and can’t get any of my thoughts together, I figured I’d pick kind of a combination of the two in the form of a fic.

I’m working on one right now that would be perfect as an answer to this ask. I’m rewriting all of the Bellarke scenes (from 3x13 through s5 era) where they talk about Octavia but the abuse is addressed because Clarke knows about the beating in this AU.

However, I’m only halfway done with that one, so I decided on a fic I wrote a while back before I had tumblr. It diverges from canon in episode 3x09, specifically at the start of the Bellamy and Octavia scene where he meets her in the woods with a plan to save Lincoln (spoiler alert: she doesn’t drug him, and therefore, none of the other shitty stuff happens).

As Long As I’m With You, I’m Home

When Bellamy catches a glimpse of the dropship through the trees, he tugs on the reins, and his horse comes to a stop. Night has fallen, but moonlight filters in between the branches above his head, illuminating the place he used to call home.

Home.

The word flits through his mind. Being back here has the tension in his shoulders easing. His lips part, the space before him filling with light, and suddenly, the abandoned camp is alive once again.

Alive with the people who became his family.

Before landing on the ground, Octavia was the only family he ever knew. The decisions he made—the facade of the asshole he played—was all to keep her safe. Slowly though, he came to care for the rest of them too. Before he knew it, those kids were the steady beat of his heart. A family to fight for.

When Trikru threatened them, he worked alongside Clarke to do the best he could to keep everyone alive. For the most part, the 100 worked together, all in fear of the people who had speared one of them the very day they landed. Octavia though, she always had one foot in, one foot out, and Bellamy gets it. Because even though he sacrificed so much to protect her, he’d made mistakes. Mistakes she blamed him for.

He had never held any of it against her, and when the time came to let go, he had.

It had been the hardest decision he ever had to make, but they came out of it stronger. By giving her her freedom, it gave her the choice to come back when she was ready. And she did. For probably the first time in their relationship, she sacrificed something for him. Sacrificed being Indra’s second so that she could help him get out of Mount Weather.

It took some time apart, but they finally discovered what it truly meant to be brother and sister. Their relationship was healthier than ever.

That all changed when the Ice Nation killed 44 of their people.

Bellamy was tired. So tired of losing his people to the grounders, and just like that, it was like his relationship with Octavia regressed back to how it had been in the dropship days.

As if on cue, Octavia appears from across the camp riding in on Helios, effectively replacing the once thriving camp with dilapidated tents and charred earth.

Bellamy finds her eyes in the dark, and he feels his heart thump against his ribs. The last time he saw her, she was warning him of the ambush at Semet’s village, and even during the last few weeks before that, she had been understandably angry with him. At least from her side of things, that is.

He’s still not sure if he agrees with the things he’s done either, but he knows he’ll be damned if he lets Pike kill Lincoln, Sinclair and Kane. Through all this, all he wanted was to protect his people. He believed supporting Pike would do just that. However, if he’d known some of his own people would be sentenced to death, he can say without a doubt that he never would have followed Pike.

“I’m glad you came,” Bellamy says as Octavia dismounts from her horse and he does the same. She eyes him warily, glancing around a bit and searching the trees. “I’m alone, O,” he assures, shoulders sagging. “I’m here to help.”

Octavia finds his eyes again and lets out a breath. She almost smiles, crossing the space between them and tugging him into her arms. Bellamy is ready for her and he huffs out a breath of relief into her shoulder.

“I’m still mad at you,” she says, but she tightens her hold him.

Bellamy’s eyes close. “I’m sorry.”

Octavia pulls back, hands on his shoulders. “We can talk later.” She arches an eyebrow at him. “You have a plan, right?”

Bellamy nods. Octavia gives him a nod back and starts to head over to her horse before pulling him into another quick hug. Bellamy breathes out a laugh. “I missed you too, O.”

…

With the help of Monty, they create a diversion in Arkadia. He shouts into the radio, informing Pike and his guards that the prisoners have escaped. It’s not a lie exactly. Just the part concerning the exit they’re planning to use.

Meanwhile, Bryan runs alongside Pike, playing along and making sure he leads him and his guards astray. Miller and Harper keep an eye out for people who may stumble across the path Bellamy and the prisoners are taking to freedom, throwing in a few more frantic false leads into the radio every so often to keep Pike distracted.

Bryan takes the opportunity to duck away down a dimly lit corridor where he nearly runs into Monty on his way out of the control room. They meet up with Miller and Harper further down, and the four make a run for it, right behind Bellamy and the others.

Octavia is waiting for them outside the gates. The number of horses she’s got with her would be quite amusing if they weren’t running for their lives.

She lets out a breath of relief the second she makes brief contact with her brother, and then Lincoln. There isn’t time to waste though. The horses go to the sick Trikru first, and Lincoln snags the last one, wanting to lead his people out of there as soon as possible.

Kane, Sinclair, Miller, Bryan, Harper and Monty hurry off after them on foot. Octavia is turning to leave when she realizes Bellamy isn’t making a move to come with them.

“Bellamy, we have to go. Now.”

He shakes his head and swallows. “I have an idea.” Octavia opens her mouth to say something, but he beats her to it. “If I go back, he’ll think I’m still on his side, but if I leave now, there’s no way I’m getting back into this camp.”

“Or,” Octavia cuts in, “you come with me now and we get the hell out of here.”

“O, you said it yourself. We need to take him out. I couldn’t see it before, but this only ends one way.”

“No.”

“O—”

“I may be angry with you, but I’m not gonna let you risk your life like that. The second he figures you out, he’ll kill you.”

“I know, but I have to try. You gotta let me do this, O.”

Octavia gives him a look and arches an eyebrow, like you have got to be kidding me.

Bellamy sighs. I’m not.

Octavia purses her lips and swallows, finally relenting with a nod.

Bellamy nods back. “I’ll lead a search party at first light.” Octavia opens her mouth to say something, then closes it. Bellamy’s lips part as she turns to leave. “Octavia.”

She finds his eyes.

“Thank you,” he breathes. Octavia furrows her eyebrows. “For still caring if I live or die.” It’s the lamest attempt at a joke, and Octavia’s lips part. “Even after everything…” Bellamy purses his lips to keep them from trembling, eyes watery. Maybe he still believes that what he had to do was necessary, but it doesn’t mean he’s not beating himself up over it every day.

Octavia crosses the space between them and pulls him into a tight hug. “The day I don’t,” she says, voice wavering, “you can assume I’m no longer breathing.”

…

Bellamy’s plan works. He would have prefered to spare the lives of Pike’s guards, but the grounders enforcing the blockade took them all out during the ambush in the woods.

The more impertinent problem is that Arkadia has been taken over, so Octavia’s relief at seeing her brother unharmed is short-lived. They wouldn’t have known had it not been for Jasper and Clarke showing up in the rover, an unconscious, chipped Raven in the back seat.

Bellamy and Clarke barely have the chance to stop and stare at each other for a moment, lips parted, before Jasper is yelling at them to all get in the damn rover. They’d nearly been caught the first time, and he’s sure ALIE’s minions are already on their way, in pursuit of Raven because she knows too much. Given the look on Jasper’s face, Bellamy thinks twice about making a comment about how unsafe it is to cram nine people into the rover.

Clarke asks about Lincoln, needing him to take her to Luna once they save Raven. By now though, he and the sick Trikru are long gone, probably halfway to the sea on their way to hide out with Luna’s people.

Clarke swears and leans her head back against the headrest of her seat. Bellamy tracks the movement with a quick glance her away. He looks away before she notices, returning his eyes to the makeshift path through the woods.

…

Raven wakes suddenly and thrashes around several times as they drive, nearly managing to kick and punch her way out the window at one point. Bellamy drives relatively aimlessly, heading in the general opposite direction of Arkadia until they discover they need a wristband to save Raven.

By the time they arrive at Niylah’s trading post, everyone is quite relieved. It’s no secret that Jasper still blames Clarke for what happened at Mount Weather, and Bellamy had to cut in a few times to stop him from ripping on her.

Jasper questions him about this later, wondering how he’s cool with her coming back after all this time. His answer is plain and simple: that she’s trying to save Raven. Really, he just doesn’t want to think about it.

So he doesn’t. And neither does Clarke.

It seems all they’ve done recently is hurt each other, so they don’t talk about what happened the last time they were in the same room together. Instead, he does the best he can to shelter her from Jasper’s harsh words, gently tends to her wounds when Raven gets to her, and offers to take a turn with Raven.

Later, Clarke’s there to wrap his hand even though he’d already bandaged it himself. Really, it’s just an excuse to tend to him the way he had her. When he expresses doubt in his decisions lately, eyes watery, she tells him maybe there are no good guys.

They save Raven that same night, and are off again in the morning, heading towards the sea. This time when Bellamy glances over at Clarke, she manages a small, closed-lip smile. It’s still going to take them a little bit to heal, but he finds himself giving her one back.

Even though these last two days have been crazy, for the first time, he feels something loosen in his chest, and when he catches sight of his friends smiling and laughing in the back of the rover, that something in his chest feels a lot like hope.

#ask games #3x09 era canon divergent #canonverse #s3 #my writing #the blakes #bellarke #fanfiction #the 100

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lilietsblog · 7 years

Text

I beat Starbound yesterday night

like, okay, this is not a game you just 'win' and that's it. The main quest is just one thing you get to do alongside tech tree progression, and there is a thousand things to do that open up alongside this progression, and with the latest update there is a whole new tech tree for the mechs to pursue

I did not expect much from finishing the 'main quest' it was just kinda the next thing to do and then get on with all the other goals I had in mind (upgrading my mech, the bunch of stuff for my colony, making a cool interior for my ship)

like seriously, I thought, what is this quest even building up to? There's no way it won't be silly and underwhelming

I'm not spoiling I'm just saying I was wrong it wasn't

okay maybe if the mc was allowed to have personality + relationships beyond like, the way they stand and the pre-programmed people deciding fully on their own to join the mission regardless of what you actually do, it could have been even more poignant and fantastic

but like wow I almost don't feel like going back to the rest of my stuff to do now cause I've... won. I'm done, that's it, there is nothing I can do in this game that will top what just happened

it feels like gameplay should change more after what happened. Not just a 'special reward' with a lot of money and other sweet stuff (bitch I have this much money saved up already and the only reason it's not more is because I keep spending it). There should be a fundamental change somewhere, the world opening up in some way, getting to do something you didn't get to do before

there should be specifically 'postgame' content and not just 'lategame' content you could enjoy in the same way forever without actually ever finishing the main quest

this HOLY SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED thing must have some effect on the rest of the universe

like, I knew it wouldn't and I didn't expect it to... and now I feel like it should have coz. holy fuck. that was EPIC

okay i want to not spoil coz EXPERIENCE IT FOR YOURSELVES GUYS but i just want to gush about it so much so im just? going to put this under the cut?

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR STARBOUND MAIN QUEST. IF YOU THINK IT'S NOT SPOILER WORTHY YOU ARE WRONG GO BEAT IT YOURSELF AND THEN COME BACK ONCE YOU HAVE

okay so first of all why don't Novakid have a key? this feels like it should be more of a big deal, like what if my protagonist were a Novakid? they should have at least mentioned that oh yeah there's also Novakid but they weren't around back then or something

second of all holy shit from the beginning of the quest I was wondering, like okay we're going to unlock the gate and??? what then??? you go in to fistfight the fucking Ruin??? the tentacle monster that even the god creator could only lock away and that started out with destroying Earth???

like, okay, we get the keys. yeah. AND THEN WHAT

I thought the game would underplay the size of the Ruin, make it kinda underwhelming and make me question how this thing managed to destroy Earth and be so epic if one person can actually fight it

like okay I've also fought an avatar of Kluex but 1) it MIGHT have just been an automaton and 2) it's an AVATAR. avatars are beatable. its a different class of thing altogether

boy was I wrong. boy did I fucking UNDERESTIMATE the size of the Ruin (and also the developers of the game. holy shit. all the kudos)

it'S A FUCKING PLANET

like you just go through the gate and find yourself on this??? planet??? with instructions to 'destroy the Ruin' and your matter manipulator working unexpectedly unlike all the other missions

just. fistfight the planet. somehow. good luck

it was actually pretty intuitive what to do next? like. it just felt obvious that I would get nothing done on the surface and that the most likely thing to do is dig in. I've got the matter manipulator, it's my magic tool that the Protector left to humanity, LET'S GO FUCK UP A BITCH

and it kind of makes sense that one person can succeed where a deity couldn't. precisely because you're so fucking tiny you're basically beneath notice and you can fuck this thing up from the inside without it being able to do shit about it

also, it's not awake yet. it destroyed Earth by just kinda jerking in its sleep

when something's on that scale, it's pretty understandable that a human-sized person with an environment backpack that lets them survive ANYWHERE short of actual fucking lava would actually be a pretty appropriate opponent

and let's be honest, this was a suicide mission from the beginning. like I don't know what Esther expected to happen when you successfully beat the Ruin but it was kinda obvious that the microbe that caused it would be the first casualty

I also expected it to not be a big deal cause you die and you respawn? the one escort mission I managed to fail (protip: never agree to an escort mission across volcanic lava-filled terrain. or if you do, fill in the lava with earth. dont trust the NPC's ability to not fall in it and burn to death) right the one escort mission I managed to fail told me to not worry cause they probably respawned somewhere safe

and the ship crew gives comments like 'what was I doing before I died?' and 'I feel like I didn't respawn properly' and you just get the impression that respawning after death is a Thing in this unvierse and the only cause to worry is if the mechanism that was supposed to respawn you was destroyed (which is exactly what happened on Earth. like it was supposed to be a... safe place. that's the horror of it)

seriously you beat the Ruin and Esther is like... oh nO... WHAT IS HAPPENING.. iT Is.. unSTABLE??? I dunno bitch what did you think we were trying to do

the odds of it not exploding after being killed from the inside (or imploding, or flooding everything with deadly poison, or burning up, or getting flushed into Death Dismension, or any of the other number of thing that might happen wnen you're in the middle of the body of an eldritch abomination and have just killed it) were like... 1 in a 1 000 000

what did you EXPECT

when you're going down it's so fucking... eerie. there are those things living INSIDE the Ruin. they are freaky and are they alive? do they count as part of its organism or as independent beings? is there even a meaningful distinction on this scale or is it like the white cells in your blood

and then there is the pit, and the AI helpfully warns you to not fall into it and just. oh my fuck. thanks dude I would never have thought of this on my own. the Unhelpful AI is the best thing about this game honestly

and you keep going down and down and its genuinely creepy like whats down there? what are you going down towards? FUCK KNOWS

and then the environment changes and there is this brain matter stuff? and you can't break it like you just can't break it, the matter manipulator doesn't work like that it's not the matter manipulator block from everywhere that has a visual clue of small squares, it starts breaking the brain and it just. can't. whatever it is you're going to try to do with this thing's brain, destroying it with the matter manipulator is not it. it's just not strong enough

and then you get a path inside it and there are standard gate-and-radar mechanisms of boss fight and it's just so silly that those would be inside there but on the other hand reality doesn't really hold up in the face of this thing anyway so might as well

and then you face the Cultists Boss and its honestly so. anticlimactic after all the buildup she had. maybe its just extensive preparation with many buffs i had going (bitch i just fought your entire army and a dragon) but i beat her in like. three cycles. the mechanics and weaknesses were the same as in the first fight in the library and it didnt even feel like i had to try hard

and it was kinda appropriate? like bitch what do you think you're doing. get out of the way i'm trying to save the universe there. THIS THING'S FIRST ACTION WAS DESTROYING EARTH HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET THE IDEA IT FAVORED HUMANS

(true to life. racial supremacists aren't known for their firm grip on reality)

and then it's this thing's... heart? inside its brain? well it's just a convenient term anyway. either way it's the spark of un-life that drives the entire thing and GOOD LUCK YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN

and I just... look. I had freaked out about the army and the dragon because the first time I fought them I quickly ran out of my 13 nanobandages and died

so for the second time I crafted 160 of them

(also I had a Damage III augment on my EPP and really, really cool weapons newly bought in Glitch settlements, so I mowed down mooks by just pistol-machine-gunning-them for a couple of seconds, it was actually kinda freaky how effective I was at damage dealing)

I also died against the Ruin once because augghhhh having the nanobandages on the left click and the medicine kits that heal you slowly over time AND BLOCK NANOBANDAGES FROM WORKING IMMEDIATELY on the right click WAS A BAD IDEA

after respawning i just straight up removed the medicine kits from the quick access. not gonna trip myself up like that the second time

and it was? really freaky but not that hard once I figured it out? like okay actually pretty fucking hard but not like. COMPLICATED. just counterintuitive

like, if the boss always hits the same area with an EYE LASER attack, the logical thing to do is stay out of there, right?

but no. out of there are the tentacles, and they sometimes move without warning and hurt you. while the eye laser attack comes with pretty obvious buildup

and more importantly: the eye laser attack takes like half of your HP. but it KILLS DEAD all the smaller creatures that were harassing you

like oh god this is so appropriate? this un-creature summons living things both from its own body and from across the universe to attack you, but then when it goes on the offensive itself it just destroys them all

it's self-destructive. you can goad it into solving your problems for you because it's NOT SENTIENT. it's a thing more than it is a creature. its goal is to destroy life but its semi-living so it destroys itself

so you just. stay in the eye laser zone, jump, hit it with your swords, ignore the swarm of minions attacking you (well more like hit them with the swords along the way. thats why I prefer weapons with lower damage but quicker attack), and keep an eye on your HP. once its around half, 6 + left click several times until it works + 1 to go back to the swords

also during the eye laser attack it's also a good idea to do the same thing. then you can come out of it with full HP... and no creatures attacking you like bitch thanks for solving my problems

you just have to... keep doing it. its scary. your life is going down really fast and there is no way to kill all the creatures attacking you because it keeps spawning them and there's no safe zone because tentacles

but you just keep going, keep healing yourself, keep tanking the eye laser attack and using it as just another opportunity to jump up and deal damage

and it'll... break. it's not going to regenerate itself the way Big Ape does. it'll just die and that will be it. you'll have won. well okay you're going to die too but THE VICTORY WILL BE YOURS

(and then there's that scene. that scene. that one. it's so good you guys. even my bewilderment at sudden story gameplay separation didn't make it any less freaking epic)

really, the only letdown is that there should have been SOMETHING changing at the Outpost. Maybe this would be a better moment for the Treasured Trophies to appear. Maybe some other shop opening. Maybe a portal to a new peaceful/trading zone entirely.

there should be SOMETHING there

#starbound #consider: the perfect armor actually being the best armor in the game #but treasured trophies only appearing once you've beaten the ruin #so the tech progression remains straightforward #video games #aaah i love starbound so much #liliet plays starbound

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