#I’ve been busy and also ill rip lol

[horseshoemybeloved]

He goes UP

#first real drawing in a while lol #I’ve been busy and also ill rip lol #fall out boy #gym class heroes #fob #gch #art #my art #fall out boy fan art #patrick stump #travie mccoy #fob8 #tourdust #so much for (tour) dust

[missmonsters2]

hey van! So I have a question I was hoping you could help me with. My character has powers, there genetic and no one in her family has them. My character is very shy, she works in a museum (giving tours and such) she’s very much a kind her one business doesn’t speak unless spoken to girl. She’s 18, and her mother passed from a mysterious illness leaving her with her father (he’s a good dad just busy a lot being the mayor of the town) her powers have been manifesting in certain ways. Like a vampire tried using compulsion on her, and she was able to break hold of it due to her magic in her blood awakening. But I want to have a moment with her finally realizing she has powers. I just don’t want it to seem far fetched. Or too tacky. I’ve been working on this for months and can’t seem to figure it out. Are there any suggestions?

her powers are similar to Wanda’s in the sense that she has telekinesis, everything else is quite different. Her powers come of as a radiating deep blue. I like to describe it as crippling electric energy, it terms of how it feels and sounds to others. It’s from a bloodline in her ancestry. So it’s not like spells or incantations or anything. Hope your doing good Van!

I'm going to answer these together because I feel like you gotta be the same person and if not, well, LOL. Answering the magic question for both of you.

Realization of powers: I feel like I'd think about more if your characters has suspected something was going on with herself for a long time now or if she thought it was just coincidences. Also question whether she wants these powers or not. Depending on those things, it'll be easier to write about what it will be like for her to realize she has these powers. What does it mean to her that she has them? What will she want to do with them? What exactly made her realize that she has powers? It also depends on the environment/situation she's in when she's realizing. Is she alone and something happened? Is she alone and it was just a quiet moment of realization as she thought about it? Or was she with someone and something happened. Did someone else make her realize something.

Physical manifestations of powers: I would use the senses as much as I can to describe magic.

Touch: what does it feel like as this power is coming up? Does it feel like something flowing through her veins, vibrating just underneath her skin? Does it feel like it's ripping through her, aggressively wanting its way out? Does it make the hairs on her body stand? Does it feel hot or cold? Does it feel so natural that it actually just feels like nothing, like she might as well be breathing.

Sight: There's more ways than just describing blue. Try to use metaphors. Deep blue like a dark ocean, waves of magic that ripples and is ready to pull you in. Or electric blue, like getting to stare at lightening, the blinding of it at its core. Things like that. Think about what kind of blue you're see and what it reminds you of.

Smell: This may seem strange but think scent is important. A headcanon of mine is that reader from Between the Lines can tell when it's Tatyana because she can smell her magic and it reminds her of the night she saved Tatyana while out picking flowers and herbs for her spells. If it's electric blue, maybe it smells like something hot and nearly burnt.

Sound: does your magic make noise and what kind. Can you physically hear it and can others? Or is it just something in your head.

Proprioception: This is body awareness. Like when you close your eyes and you know where your nose is. Is the magic like that? Can you always tells where you've casted your magic?

Tension: found in your muscles and your brain monitors the tension in your muscles. Does casting magic cause tension?

Nociception: Pain receptors. Do you feel pain in your skin, muscles/joints/bones, or any organs.

there are more senses than 5, check out this link and see if any can apply to using magic.

Hope this helps!

#mm: answered #anon #mm.writingadvice

[lizzy-williams]

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐭

🐺Warnings: Alpha/Omega dynamic, SMUTTTT, neediness, language, mature themes, dubcon?

🐺Masterlist

🐺Summary: Every Omega knows that going into heat is rough, especially when unclaimed. All eyes are on you. So when it hits you in the middle of a coffee shop with your friends, a particular alpha is very willing to help.  

🐺Theme (All I Need by Radiohead)

🐺A/N: Lol we gonna get dirtttyyyy. By the way, you’re small in his, like body proportion wise, like 5′4 small so there’s that. I know people want the ‘independent strong hardheaded alpha female’, but in this one ur compliant, sorry if ya don’t like it. There will most likely be a part 2 :)

“Y’know, I dunno how you drink that stuff,” Anna-Lynn said from across the table, making [ y / n ] roll her eyes and look up.

“You’re just jealous cause your tastebuds are weak,” she retorted, taking a teasingly long sip of her dark black coffee. 

It was nice having a day out like this. Especially when everyone seemed so busy with preparing for the spookiest holiday of the year. Paper bats and small pumpkins littered the store-fronts of London, the summer weather fading with the light chilly breezes autumn seemingly brought. 

The calm warm light streamed through the window of the coffee shop the three young women were in, the dusk just hitting them. The tree leaves complimented the light as it covered the area in a soft blanket of pink and orange hues. 

“So, um,” [ y / n ]’s other friend, Elizabeth, began to speak, clearing her throat and shooting a daring look at Anna-Lynn, “Have you thought about Ethan at all?”

Ah, yes, Ethan. He was Elizabeth’s younger cousin, just then turning 19, a simple beta with no claimed mate. 

[ y / n ] shook her head, and to this, the two girls let out a defeated huff, “You need to chose someone,” Anna-Lynn’s voice was clipped as she huffed, but it had a hint of concern. Worry even. 

And of course there was a stipulation to one of [ y / n ]’s favorite seasons. Because for her kind, not only was it autumn, but it was also mating season. A dangerous time for any omega unclaimed. If you were unclaimed when the time came around, you were easy pray, and other alphas and betas could smell you much much easier. 

You would become a target. Even more so if you were in heat. 

“I’m not worried about it.” [ y / n ] sighed, nonchalantly, taking a large gulp of her drink before setting it back down. But deep down she truly was.

“We just don’t want you to become like one of those other omegas... you know, getting claimed by someone on the street during their heat... someone they don’t love at all and being forced to have pups, it’s just barbaric.” Elizabeth glanced down at her dwindling hands. 

“I understand that. But I’ve had no issues with this before. I’ll just... lock myself up in my room with a vibrator and some porn. That’s worked before,”

“Bullshit, you were a grump for like a month because you had built up aggression. Ethan’s a good guy. You should really consider it.”

Yes, Ethan was nice. But when it came to [ y / n ]... she just felt as if they weren’t meant for each other. And there was no way that she would consider having pups with him and-

Speak of the mother fucking devil-

It was as if she was hit with a million bricks at once, her body becoming hot, a powerful wave of uncomfortable warmth crashing through her body like a tidal wave, her mouth clamping shut tightly. Her breath hitched, her thighs tightening around nothing, her legs shaking as she felt herself feel as if she were going to throw up. The moisture between her thighs was uncomfortable as she felt her panties stick to her mound.

How could she be so careless? Now she was in heat in public and she knew that nearby alphas and betas had already caught onto the scent, most likely heading their way. She knew it was roughly the time she would go into heat. And it was hell on earth right now, knowing that now that the sun was just now taking it’s last breaths over the tall buildings, the night heightening her kind’s senses acutely. 

Her friends caught on almost immediately, knowing the mannerisms of the heavy breathing and the quivering lips. Her eyes were wide as she bit down on her bottom lip harshly, trying her best to keep her whimpers and whines in the back of her throat. 

Thoughts raced through the young woman’s mind. Thoughts of her being taken in the most delicious ways possible by any man that just so happened to look her way. And her friends could tell that there were already at least a few alphas coming in hot, the sudden howling through the now darkened air making the 2 other girls’ senses hyperactive. 

What was ironic was that there was a conversation going on between two baristas behind the counter, “The dogs are at it again, they’ve been a lot noisier than usual.”

“We need to get her home, right now.” Anna-Lynn commanded, Elizabeth giving a chaste nod before flipping through her phone as a poor, squirming, [ y / n ] sat right across from them, panting in her intense discomfort. 

She shut her eyes tightly, desperately trying to ignore the ache in her core. She wanted, no, needed to be filled up. To be claimed. But the thoughts only drove her down deeper, desperation seemingly seeping out of every pore. 

As soon as she was called an Uber, it was an agonizing amount of time before it finally came to a stop, the driver flashing concerned looks at the poor squirming girl in her back seat. Throughout the whole ride, it took everything for [ y / n ] not to touch herself, and all she could do was shift her thighs together, and thankfully, (soon enough), the car came to a stop. 

[ y / n ] let out a strangled ‘thank you’ to the driver before getting out, and after the woman drove off, she found herself stumbling into an alleyway. Her whole body was on fire and she needed release, any release. 

Her back violently hit the brick wall of a darkened alleyway, her loud and labored breaths echoing through the seemingly empty face. She needed tension. At least a little bit. 

As if her legs weren’t her own, [ y / n ] spread her legs only a small amount, just enough to slip her hand under her pants and softly drifting her fingertips over her clothed clit. 

A smooth and controlled rubs soon turned into harsh and fast circles, her needful thoughts forcing her mind to tune out the howling that was getting closer and closer to her. It wasn’t until a low and terrifying growl resonated through the hollow space, making her stop in her tracks, yanking her hand out of its position, doing her best to stand up and steady herself. 

But it was far too late, because by the time she finally started bolting towards the opening in the cold alleyway, her body was caught and thrown against the frigid brick, a pitiful yelp leaving her lips, unleashed tears forming in her eyes. 

“You smell fucking delicious,” a dark voice spoke, no doubt an alpha, and [ y / n ] wouldn’t dare look up and meet his eyes. 

“P-Please, I c-can’t-”

[ y / n ] didn’t even know why she was saying please, for there were so many reasons she could be saying it. 

Please don’t.

Please help the pain.

Please touch me.

Please don’t touch me.

Please.

But the young woman’s thoughts were cut short by a violent tug to her hair, forcing her gaze on the person in from of her. He had bright red hair, freckles apparent, even in the dull light of the closed off space. He wore a jet black hoodie, and that was all that [ y / n ] bothered to take in. 

“You’re a pretty one...” his words rattled through her mind, muffled by the sharp ringing in her heat from the sudden contact to the wall only moments earlier, “Glad I claimed you before anyone else could,” he paused to chuckle to himself, “Would hate to touch damaged goods.”

[ y / n ] whimpered and almost recoiled away, but she knew better. This alpha seemed ill-tempered, and she didn’t want to find out what would happen if she dared to disobey. 

He gave a rough tug to her hair, standing her up, and immediately started to kiss her neck in hopes of warming her up a little bit more, not that she needed it, but nonetheless, his lips continued their assault on the young woman’s neck, whimpers and whines escaping her lips. 

“Just one little thing, pretty girl, you’re unclaimed, I can smell it on you.” he spoke before leaving a long, sinful lick up her throat, “I’m going to bite this pretty little neck and make sure that nobody else is going to touch what’s mine.”

The girl’s body shivered violently. He was talking about a claim mark. If that happened, she could never escape him, it was a tracking device. Where ever she decided to go, he would know exactly where she was. 

“Please, don’t, I-”

But a violent growl made her blood run cold and her words pause half-way up her throat. But it wasn’t from her captor. His head was already snapped towards the source of the sound, which was at the opening of the alleyway, the minimal light caused by the streetlight exposing a clothed figure with its hands in its pockets. They weren’t tall but they weren’t short, but their stature was confident. 

Great. Another alpha.

“Drop her.” the voice spoke, straight to the point and commanding. 

“Fuck off, she’s mine, I got to her first.” the ginger male snapped, his eyes now a vibrant scorching gold, shining in the darkness. 

“Drop the fucking girl or I’ll rip you’re fucking head off.” this time it was a vicious growl, strong and unwavering that sent goosebumps down [ y / n ]’s spine. 

“That a challenge, pint-size?” the ginger taunted, referring to the other alpha who only stood at a good 5′8, while he stood at a large 6′1, slamming the girl onto the ground making her yelp out in pain.

Finally, the young alpha stepped into some form of light, making his face visible, and the ginger’s expression of defense faded into a face of fear and regret, the eyes that once glowed yellow dying down to it’s original color. 

“T-Tom, Jesus, man, excuse me, I didn’t-”

The alpha, apparently named Tom, harshly grabbed the ginger’s shirt, pulling him in and looking up at him with deadly eyes, “Leave.”

And just like that, he was gone, and hopefully never going to be seen again. 

Tom’s expression turned soft when he saw the poor writhing omega in a mound on the hard concrete of the ground, small whimpers of discomfort making his chest clench. 

“You live here?” he questioned, motioning to the building she was now leaned against. 

All she could to was let out a whine of confirmation, nodding her head slowly as she clamped her thighs together as tightly as possible. 

“Come on then, can’t have you out in the open, there’s already talk, let’s get you inside,” he said, kindness and understanding in his tone, holding out a hand to [ y / n ], who in turn took it almost immediately. 

It took her a second to walk, her knees weak, not to mention it was hard not to notice Tom’s muscles, and his face. God, he was truly attractive. 

She let her mind wonder as they began to walk, his arm firmly around her waist, trying to keep her steady. She wondered what it would look like when he came, filling her up to the brim, making her full, a thin blanket of sweat covering his body, his eyes glowing, hungry, and she let out a whimper at it. 

“You’re staring.” Tom smirked as they stepped into the elevator of the complex. 

“S-Sorry,” she muttered, trying to shake the embarrassingly dirty thoughts from her mind as she continued to try and focus on just getting to her apartment. 

The sooner she got there, the sooner she had her vibrator, the sooner she had release. She was convinced, at least, that that would solve her problems, at least temporarily. 

She led him to her apartment, still holding onto him for dear life as her core throbbed with need and want. When the door unlocked with a small click, she turned the doorknob, almost collapsing through the doorway. 

“Do you need any help?”

This could have meant many things. But of course, [ y / n ] was oblivious in her response. 

“N-No, I think I can manage to put myself to bed.”

Tom gave a small chuckle as he sat her down on the couch, sitting next to her as she slouched back, “No, I mean I can help with your problem... that is, if you want me to,”

[ y / n ]’s mind was clouded in a haze of neediness, so with no hesitation, she whimpered a small yes, before immediately unbuttoning her jeans and slipping them down a little bit to eagerly. 

She knew this was happening to quick, almost irrationally quick, but the need in her pounding cunt was much more important to her at the moment than her petty morals and reason. 

“Are you sure?” he looked at her with sincerity, watching as she shifted out of her pants and took his hand, placing it on her covered mound. 

“Please, just touch me, Tom,”

Hearing his name on her lips was almost enough to make him lose his control and say ‘fuck it’, but he figured that if her were to do this, he might as well try to do this right. 

“Don’t have to tell me twice, darling,” he muttered, easily finding her sensitive bud, even through the material of her panties.

She let out a soft and breathy moan, taking her hand of his own and moving it to his bicep, squeezing, as if it were anchoring her down to Earth, because she had never been touched like this, especially by someone else. 

As if Tom had read her mind, he looked up at her, drinking in her reactions before speaking, “Are you a virgin?”

She nodded her head, his pace never faltering. 

“I’ve been waiting- ugnh - for the right person... I trust you,” she managed to get out between moans.

“You barely know me,”

“But I want to. There’s - ah, fuck - something about you. I l-like you,” she admitted, the filter between her mouth and her brain nonexistent as she felt nothing but pleasure and a release from the uncomfortable pressure she was feeling only moments before. 

“Fuck,” to Tom, it was nice to hear that somebody needed him, trusted him, especially with something like this, so sacred and meaningful. She was giving him the gift that could only be given once, and he was happy to receive. 

After a few moments of him rubbing her in all the right ways, he hesitantly pulled his hand away from her, hating the noise of protest that she released. 

“Come on, princess, let’s take this to you're bedroom, yeah?”

[ y / n ] was compliant to his suggestion, standing up best she could without Tom’s help, but soon leaning on him as she directed him to her bedroom door. 

The door was busted open, and she was thrown onto the bed, and as soon as she hit the mattress, she stripped off everything else, leaving her completely nude, and her actions inspired Tom to do the same. 

He quickly got on top of her, grinding the length of his cock against her soaking wet folds, making him growl. 

“Fuck, darling, I’m not even inside you yet and you feel heavenly-” he hissed, the little omega nodding in response. 

“Alpha, please, I need you inside me, I want you to fill me,” she desperately pleaded. 

Tom let out a feral snarl at the use of the word ‘alpha’, surprised it had so much of an effect on him being used like this. It was so fucking hot. She had him wrapped so tightly around her pinky and didn’t even know it. 

“Anything for you, darling,” he muttered, lining himself up and ever so slowly easing himself inside his new mate, a pained whimper escaping her, his cock seemingly splitting her in half. 

Tom finally remembered that she was a virgin. And that made him even harder inside her. He waited for him, for her mate, while he was out fucking every omega that crossed him. But with her, she wasn’t just an omega. And he wanted to prove it to her. 

He took his time, almost cockwarming, staying still inside of her as her body naturally adjusted to his size, feeling so close to each other, it was enough for the two of them to almost fall in love right then and there. Tom finally took in how perfect she was to him. Someone he knew he wanted to keep around in the long run. Someone he knew he wanted to protect, even when she didn’t need protection. 

[ y / n ] scratched up his back, signaling that she was ready, and confident that he could move with little to no discomfort from her. 

The alpha started to move his hips, her tight cunt making his eyes roll back in his skull as he dropped his head into the crook of her neck, leaving soft and reassuring kisses to her neck as she made the most delectable noises, making him addicted, almost like his own brand of opioid. 

“So fucking tight, princess, you feel like fucking paradise,” he praised as he drank up the omega’s reactions as she experienced her first time with him. 

She’s like this for me and only me.

Her face was scrunched adorably in pleasure, her eyes shut tight as she felt the moment, his skin under her finger tips, the burning that was set in her core easing as she finally had pleasurable relief. Like getting a refreshing drink on a particularly hot day. 

Tom couldn’t help himself, and as if his body wasn’t his own, primal instinct took over as he began to make his strides harder and quicker, making the most pathetically cute noises release from her mouth. 

“You like that, darling?” he panted licking and sucking her neck, making one of her tiny hands weaving itself though his chestnut curls, “Why did I bother asking, of course you do. You love it when your alpha fucks you.”

All she could do was nod her head as she felt a coil inside her tighten. Tom felt his cock inflate as he continued to drive into her, pounding her into the mattress as he growled praises into her neck, her moans and whimpers never stopping. 

Soon the praise turned into a single word, falling out of his mouth like a prayer, even though what they were doing was the farthest thing from holy. 

Mine. Mine. Mine.

The omega could take it anymore, whimpering out, “P-Please, I... want you to b-bite me. Please, I need you to claim me,” she begged, which made his assault on her cunt falter slightly, slowing down to a calm and intimate pace. 

He knew what that meant. When an alpha bites an omega, she’s claimed. It means that nobody can touch her. Almost like an unbroken bond between two of their kind, and it meant a lot. 

And though they had just met only a half an hour prior, he knew that she was special, and he knew that this was who he was meant to be with, and his heart swelled at the thought of getting to know her inside and out. A true connection. 

“You want me to claim you, huh?” he paused his movements, [ y / n ] nodding frantically, wanting more than anything, “I’m not going to go easy on you. I want you to feel nothing but you inside me while I claim you, nothing but rapture as I claim you as mine.”

[ y / n ] nodded once again, to while Tom protested, “Words, darling,” 

“Yes, alpha, I understand, I- OH FUCK-,” she yelled out. And she thought he was going hard before, but that was nothing compared to the pleasure she was now presented with, his cock properly railing into her as he left a long and sinful lick up her neck before taking a bite, his eyes glowing a bright fluorescent gold as she let out one of the most pornographic moans she had ever heard. 

The copper taste in his mouth tasted like candy, and home, the sweet substance covering his lips as he finally pulled back, knowing that she was close. 

And close she was. She was so close to release she could almost taste it, and god did it taste good. Without warning, the coil inside her snapped, making her vision cloud, her thoughts unable to collect themselves as her vision clouded, and she swore she blacked out for a second. 

She was so overcome with pleasure, she didn’t notice that he had cum himself, the sensation of him pulling out and his cum spill out of her enough to get her riled up enough. But if what just happened didn’t vanquish the heat she was experiencing before, God only knew what would. 

Tom stepped back, taking in the sight of his new mate, completely fucked out and covered with marks, his cum dripping out of her like a faucet. He wished for this image to be branded into his mind so he could see it every time he closed his eyes. 

“Absolutely stunning.” he praised, his hands now running up and down her thighs. 

[ y / n ] was finally Tom’s, inside and out, and Tom couldn’t be more proud. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up, love, yeah?”

The morning was soft and filled with nothing but admiration to each other, the two staying in bed most of the morning until they finally went to the omega’s kitchen to make breakfast/lunch.

[ y / n ] was cooking the bacon and eggs when she suddenly felt arms wrap around her from behind, a chin resting on her shoulder. 

“How’re you holding up?” he questioned, and it make [ y / n ] blush at how considerate she was about her state, his fingertips dragging lightly over the violent-looking bite mark on her neck.

“I’m absolutely perfect,” she smiled, “Feels nice to belong to someone.”

“You know what? I was thinking the exact same thing.”

And for once, the two of them were truly excited for the future. 

#werewolf au #alpha #omega #alpha!tom #tom holland #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker smut #peter parker x reader #marvel x reader

[sparrowmoth]

I apologize if you’ve already posted this somewhere, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen your take on who the Core Four’s other parents are. I’m curious as to your theories, when/if you feel up to sharing!

@mycroftinthemindpalace Hey, no worries! ♥️ I don't think I've ever talked about this in detail (maybe scattered mentions across various posts, but certainly not altogether), so I'd be happy to share! Sorry for taking so long to get to this ask, by the way! I'd started writing it and then my computer ate it, so I was sad lol. Anyway, okay, let's see...

CW: Some dark themes, such as mentions of murder (non-graphic).

MAL: I lean heavily towards book!canon, where Mal's father is human and that's about all she knows. I tend to imagine these two scenarios:

(1) Maleficent fell in love with a man who betrayed her for another. She dragged him and his mistress both down to the darkest part of her dungeon and left them to rot. Mal has seen their bones in her ill-advised childhood explorations of Bargain Castle, but knowing as little as she does about her father (since Maleficent refuses to so much as speak his name), she always assumes the dead are no one.

(2) Maleficent simply desired an heir, so she found a man for the job and threatened to rip his throat out if he ever spoke of that night or tried to lay claim to her daughter. The man, not being anyone of note on the Isle, simply watches from the crowd as his daughter grows up.

JAY: There's a lot to unpack with this one, but I'm fond of the theory that Jay is actually Aladdin and Jasmine's son, kidnapped by Jafar right before he was imprisoned. No one knows what happened to the little prince and they certainly never consider that he might be on the Isle in the house of a villain, so many in Auradon quietly assume he's dead, while Jay, himself, grows up believing he really is Jafar's son.

Alternatively, I headcanon that Jay's mother was a petty criminal who got caught up in the "clean sweep" of Auradon that Beast would have campaigned for when he was creating the Isle. She fell in with Jafar once on the Isle, because she reminded him of Jasmine in some ways (though not enough to keep him happy with her). She raised Jay until he was maybe 6 or 7 until Jafar murdered her in cold blood.

(If anyone's interested, my fic Heart-Shaped Box explores that more.)

EVIE: I've entertained the idea of the Horned King being Evie's father, which I think is a really interesting possibility, but another theory that I find deeply compelling is that Evie's father is the Huntsman. I grew more attached to that theory after reading Fairest of All by Serena Valentino. The chemistry that culminates in a tragic end for the poor, "traitorous" Huntsman at the hands of the Evil Queen is deliciously angsty. Mostly, I think of him as dead in this scenario (having been murdered, that is), but it's also nice to imagine that he's living a quiet life in Auradon, perhaps unaware that his daughter even exists...

CARLOS: I have several theories for Carlos, but one of my favourites is born of Evil Thing by Serena Valentino, where Cruella has a canon lover named Jack Shortbottom who dies under deeply mysterious circumstances. Jack was wealthy and charismatic, but he had a darker undertone to him and there were hints of shady business getting him in trouble, so it's implied he might have either faked his own death or been murdered by one of his "business partners," who knows? I find it interesting to consider something about that tragedy being the catalyst for Cruella, if she was already pregnant, losing her mind and proceeding to commit the crimes that got her imprisoned.

Another theory I like is that Cruella had a casual affair with her driver (or butler) because, in this scenario, which is closer to classic canon, she's incapable of loving anyone but herself, so she simply uses the man to try and fulfill certain desires, finds him wanting, and kicks him to the curb once she's bored of him. I don't like to think of this person being Jasper or Horace, though I do sometimes play around with the idea of Cruella having another (later) affair of boredom with Jasper.

Crack theory: The King of Hearts cheated on the Queen of Hearts with Cruella, mostly because he's a weak-willed slut with a thing for dominant women (go off king), so Carlos is actually technically kind of a prince and in line for a throne somewhere in Wonderland idk.

#mycroftinthemindpalace #<3 #descendants #descendants headcanons #my headcanons #mal bertha #carlos de vil #evie grimhilde #jay son of jafar #descendants fandom #don't @ me about the crack theory #I'm joking........ mostly........ no I'm definitely joking.... unless......

[moral-turpitudes]

To the Moon:

A/N: Totes cried while writing this but it’s fine.

Trigger Warnings: Angst, Descriptions of Character Death, Drinking, Pregnancy, Cancer, Fluff, Grief, etc.

Word Count: 4,225 

Characters: Thomas Shelby x Female!Reader x Anna Shelby (OC?/Daughter)

Request: “Hi this is my first request and it’s an angsty Tommy x Reader where the reader is an old flame and they didn’t work out but Thomas still loves the reader anyway, and she sends him a letter out of the blue. Apparently the reader got pregnant and had a kid but she’s really sick now and doesn’t want her kid in an orphanage. It could end in fluff but doesn’t have to.”

Requested by: @wierdestmoppet​

A/N: Get ready for some sad shit. I saw the request and this is what my mind jumped to lol. I wrote this to be set like around Season 1-ish btw.

Summary: Life and death have a way of revealing the truth within us, and it can cause things to happen at the most unexpected times. This is especially true for Thomas Shelby as he realizes not even he can stop death.

Part 1 | Part 2

“Dear Thomas,

How are you? It’s been a long while and I hope you and your family are doing okay. I know this may be out of the blue, but you know I’ve never been much for planning things. You also know that I prefer getting straight to the point, so disregard any smudged writing in advance. I’m trying to keep the tears at bay while writing this, but I figured I’d burn any bridges while I still can.

I know we parted in anger but I’d love to know if you’d forgive me for how I acted. When I left during the months after you had gotten back from France, every fiber in my being wanted to stay there with you, but I couldn’t. I had no one besides you and your family and it made me feel worse, like a burden. I was so scared you’d send me away if I told you then...so I made that decision for you and I know it destroyed you.

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that, and now of all times I’m sitting here wishing I could be back there in that dirt-covered town, walking by the cut with you just like old times...but I can’t, not in this life anyway.

It saddens me greatly to know I’ll never see your face again, but for the sake of time I’ll be blunt. A couple weeks after I left, call it karma if you will, I fell more ill and went to the doctor. When I left, my suspicions were confirmed. I was pregnant.

I fought the urge to call you though and I regret that to this day, but I’m writing this now to hopefully make up for it.

I had not been with anyone else the whole time you were deployed. But if you can think back, you’ll remember our time at the Garrison and how you’d brought me home. That night stuck with me for nine months, Thomas. I had a beautiful baby girl who I named Anna. And the best part is that she has your eyes.

With all that said, I know this is a lot to take in, but I have one dying wish. You see, I’ve been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said I have only days left to live. I’m...I’m trying so hard not to cry because I don’t want to wake the poor girl, but I can’t go on much longer and she deserves a good life...One that I can’t give her. I’d love for her to not have to go to the orphanage, as it would break my heart. So I’m asking you to do probably one of the hardest things you’ve had to do in some time, my love. I’m asking if you’d be willing to take in our Anna?

I’ve always wanted her to meet her father, and I wanted to wait until she got older to do so...but it seems life had a way of throwing off those plans as you can see.

I just wanted to let you know in case a lovely little one year old shows up at the shop soon. I’ve sent my friend here in London to take her to you after I pass. I know you may not love me anymore Tom, but I hope that whatever love is still in your heart, you can give that to our daughter. And that you can also find a place in your heart for forgiveness, I know I have.

I’m not expecting anything else, but I truly wish you the best in life, both for you and the family. I’ll think of Anna and you when I sleep tonight. That’s about as close to being in heaven as I can think of.

With all my love,

Y/N Y/L/N”

Thomas set down the letter, hands shaking as he slid his finger over the dried ink that was smudged in various spots by her tears.

He sat there with his head in his hands, tears silently falling from his eyes as the memories came flooding back.

He had just gotten the business in line, and had a good thing going with his family. Even securing a legal betting license, but just as he’d known all his life, he couldn’t get his hopes up when it came to love. Every woman he’d ever loved seemed to have an expiration date, and this one tore him to the core.

As he sat there, the rain pattered on the windows of his office at the shop. The sound only fueling the rage inside him as he came to terms with the letter.

He had thought she’d moved because she found someone new or thought she’d gone off to find a job somewhere perhaps. But he didn’t expect this. After all, he still loved her. He was never good at showing it but he truly did love her and now she was being ripped from him without even getting to say goodbye.

He took a shot from his glass at his desk and threw it in frustration, shards exploding on the ground like tiny specs of glitter.

As he watched the shards shimmer in the dim light, he remembered the fancy envelope. Frantically picking it up and seeing a small picture hanging out of the corner that he must’ve missed before.

It was of Y/N holding Anna. Y/N had a weakened look to her as she sat on the steps of her apartment in a light green dress. It was her favorite color after all, and he knew that.

She had the brightest smile despite her frail state as well and it instantly caused him to smile too. When his eyes landed on his daughter it only grew and he felt his throat tighten as he cleared his throat, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

She indeed had his striking blue eyes though, and the beautiful color of her mother’s hair. With tears threatening to fall, he noticed she had her smile too, thanking whatever gods above that she didn’t get his toothy grin.

As he admired the picture, he remembered seeing the date and a phone number scribbled on the letter, her handwriting noticeably declining compared to when she used to write him long ago during the war.

Without a second thought, he called her number hoping she’d answer. His heart stopping for a moment as he heard static on the other end before it picked up, a faint voice saying “Y/L/N Residence.” in response.

“H-Hello, I’m sorry it’s late but this is Thomas Shelby. Is Y/N there?” He asked, his voice trembling as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“I never thought you’d call...” She said.

“You sound...different.” He said.

Y/N laughed, and he swore he could feel his heart pound at the faint sound of it.

“Death does that to ya.” She said, making light of the situation.

“Y/N...I-I got your letter. I know we don’t have much time...but I love you. I do. I-I love you so fucking much okay?” He said frantically, sitting down at his desk.

“I’m not dead yet.” She lightly chuckled.

“I know...just wanted to let you know I do love you, and that I forgive you. For everything.” He said quietly.

“I thought you’d moved on Tom...But I love to you too. I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this...” she said, breathing heavily.

“Don’t you worry sweetheart. You’ve done nothing wrong. I-uhm...I haven’t moved on. I could never move on from you, Y/N...” He said, her name on his tongue like a spark. He hadn’t said her name so often in ages.

“Did you get the picture?” She asked.

“Yes. You’re beautiful. Anna is too. Beautiful just like her mother.” He said, holding the picture in his hand.

“I was so excited when she opened her eyes. I’m so glad she has yours.” She said, her voice fading a bit as she reminisced.

“And I’m glad she has your smile my love. Can’t have her running around with a smile like mine aye?” He joked.

“Oh stop.” She chuckled.

He laughed lightly as she continued, her breathing audible over the phone.

“I’m happy the letter got to you when it did. I was trying to hold out for you both.” She said, her voice thickening as tears welled up in her eyes.

“I’m happy it did too. You’re the strongest woman I know. You know that right?” He said, wiping his own tears from his eyes as he heard her crying.

“I want our Anna to grow up strong too. Have you considered my offer?” She asked.

Thomas hesitated, his hands were shaking more than they had when first reading the letter.

“Yes. I-I don’t have a nursery yet, but I’ll be able to get things sorted in no time, alright love?” He said.

Y/N sighed with relief. “Good...you don’t know how happy that makes me. I’m...I’m holding her little hand right now. She’s got a firm grip just like her daddy.” She said, sniffling.

“Good. She can rough house with Finn when she’s older.” He said.

“Just...protect her Tommy. She’s so sweet. I love her so much...” She said, her voice weakening.

“I love you, to the moon and back you hear me? Is the nurse with you?” He asked, noticing her voice changing.

“Y-yes. My friend is too. Told her to bring Anna as soon as I go. I-I’m so scared Tom...” She said, her voice cracking as she cried.

“And I love you to the moon and back too sweetheart. I just wish I could have you here with me.” She continued.

“I know you’re scared Y/N. Just hold Anna’s little hand and listen to my voice...okay? Everything will be alright. I-I promise.” He said, his own voice cracking as more tears ran down his face.

“I’ll always protect our daughter. And I’ll tell her how much you meant to me and how much you loved her. I’ll always love you. Always, to the moon and back aye?” He said.

Her breath shallowed as she answered, the last of her strength fading as she spoke.

“I love you both. To the moon...and back.” She said, taking a final breath before her eyes closed and her body went slack, including the finger that her daughter was clutching onto while lying beside her in bed.

The line was silent as Tommy listened. His heart nearly broke when he heard Anna’s cries, and her friend and the nurse sniffling as they helped around the room.

“M-Mr. Shelby? This is the nurse. I know this is hard...but would you like her ashes or would you prefer her to have a traditional burial? She never got the chance to specify.”

He wiped his tears on his sleeve and looked out the window as the rain fell, the moon shining brightly as he gazed up.

“Traditional burial. She needs to be where she’s loved. My family will be in touch as soon as we can.” He said.

“Alright. We recommend doing it soon, tomorrow perhaps. Her friend just left with Anna and will be by your shop in the morning.” She said.

“Uhm...yeah tomorrow is fine. Bring Y/N to the fields and we’ll take care of the rest. I’ll be here at the shop when Anna gets here.” He said, his mind feeling like it was about to explode.

“Alright. I will see you tomorrow Mr. Shelby.” She said.

“Alright.” He whispered before hanging up the phone.

He frantically strode over to his whiskey stash, downing a good portion of it before he ran to the shops bathroom. The mixture of suddenly ingesting all that alcohol and his frazzled nerves taking its toll.

When he composed himself, he freshened up as best he could and splashed cold water over his face, trying to wash the memories and the rush of the alcohol away.

As he made his way back to his office, he thought to call everyone. Even if they were sleeping, this was the one time he truly needed everyone in the family.

“Polly? It’s me. I’m going to need uhm...a crib...and a funeral lined up in the fields. Can you bring the crib here to the shop? I-I guess I’ll need anything baby related.” He stammered.

“Holy mother...slow down please! What are you talking about?!” She asked tiredly through the phone.

“It’s Y/N...yes...her....she left me because she was pregnant and she had the baby and she’s mine. Her name is Anna and she’ll be here in the morning. Y/N she uhm...she died. I just talked to her as she passed alright? She ended up having fucking cancer. She wrote to me and...and it was her dying wish that I take care of Anna for her. I need everyone here. This is the one thing I can’t do alone, Poll.” He said frantically.

Polly stayed silent as she processed what was said, he could hear her sniffling as she spoke.

“Christ have mercy....I’ll call everyone in. You try to get some sleep even if you’re lying on the shop floors. You can’t take care of your daughter drunk like that. I can hear it in your voice.” She said before hanging up.

Polly quickly got ready, waking up little Finn and sadly explaining to him what happened. Together they gathered an old crib from when Ada stayed over with Karl a couple nights, and she found some baby food and diapers.

Next on her list was to call Ada as she had more things at the ready, and she and the rest of the blinders were just as shocked as the news rolled in.

2 hours had passed and Tommy had forced himself to lie down with his coat draped over him on his office floor. The half empty bottle of whiskey smashed to pieces from when he’d gotten off the phone with Polly.

His eyes were blood shot and moving rapidly under his closed eyelids, dreams of coming to save Y/N from the inevitable somehow threatening his mind as he watched her disappear like a ghost. His eyes flew open though as he heard the shop doors close. His tragic slumber interrupted further by numerous heavy boots on the floor.

He sat up slowly, trying to smooth out his hair and putting his coat on as the draft from the cool night air crept in through the creaky floors and window sills.

He sat there on the floor, not having the strength to get up as Polly and the rest of his blinder brothers came into the dark room.

“Tommy...Polly told us what’s happened. I’m so sorry...” Ada said, holding a large bag of everything baby related that she could find. Little Finn held a small crib and Polly had a blanket in her arms as well as a small bag of food.

“Everything was fine a couple hours ago, I was just ‘bout to go home then I saw the letter on my desk...” He said, wishing selfishly that he could turn back time.

“Look mate...we have your back. Just tell us what ya need done and we’ll do it. It’s a family meeting after all.” John said, nervously biting the toothpick in his mouth.

“I...I spoke with the nurse. She said they recommend having the funeral tomorrow. We’re having it in the field like we usually do. It’s what she would’ve wanted probably. I couldn’t let them burn her and stuff her in some urn. She deserves better. God damn it...” He said putting his head in his hands. He’d always been the one in control. He’d always had a solid plan, a solid mode of attack, but this was something he had no control over. Just as much as life had control over death. It was all out of his hands.

“I’ll go get Johnny Dogs and the Lee’s help with all that, you stay here Tom.” John said, kissing Esme goodbye as he went out into the night.

“Oi, brother do you want me to go with him? I promise I won’t do anything this time.” Arthur said, crouching down by his brother and placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t care, as long as Anna gets here safely and as long as Y/N can have a decent place to be buried in. That’s all I’m on about now. Fuck the rivalries, for one day.” He said. It wasn’t like him to stop condoning a lot of violence, but perhaps this made him have a change of heart.

He glanced at the photo she sent him, his eyes glossing over as he held it in his shaking hands.

“She has my eyes.” He said, his own filling with tears that not many of his family had seen in so long.

“She’s beautiful.” Polly said, sitting by him on the floor. Little Finn helped set the crib down and Esme and Ada helped clean up the mess Tommy had made.

“She is...” he said.

Around 4 hours later, John and some of the Lee’s returned and told them they’d gotten everything set up and Tommy had met with the nurse. She was dressed in a black dress and a black coat, and holding a silver necklace with a light green stone in it. It was Y/N’s that Tommy had given her before he went off to war.

“She wanted you to keep this, to give to Anna...she thought maybe as an 18th birthday gift would be nice...” She said, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.” He said, putting the necklace in his jacket, clasping the button on the small pocket so it was secure.

As the night blurred into the morning, Polly and Esme napped in the chairs as Tommy rested his head at his desk. Finn and the rest all finding places to doze off to in various corners of the shop.

As much as Thomas hated everyone sleeping uncomfortably, he knew it was good they were here. He needed the support whether his pride liked it or not.

It was around 6 am when the nurse arrived again, letting him know Y/N’s funeral things were all set up. And it wasn’t long after that a small car pulled up. A woman with blonde hair and a black dress getting out quickly as she reached for the little girl.

Her faint cries were heard as Thomas watched from the doorway, alert and ready to do what he had to do for the coming days, and eventually years.

“Hello Mr. Shelby. My name is Jess. I was a good friend of Y/N’s. Here’s your daughter. I hope she’ll be a comfort to you.” She said quickly as she handed her to him.

He nervously cradled her into his arm as she squirmed in defiance at first. The new person holding her making her only want her mother more.

“Hey...hey...shhh. It’s alright love. It’s okay. Daddy’s here. It’s okay.” He cooed, carefully swaying a bit as he held her. As she adjusted to her new surroundings, she gradually stopped crying, her bright blue eyes opening and landing on her fathers face. Tears were coating her cheeks as she looked up at him in silence, curiously as she took in the man holding her.

“It’s okay. I promise.” He said, gently wiping her tears as he carried her inside.

Polly and the girls gasped quietly so as not to startle her too much. But she cried nonetheless, the new people overwhelming her. Tommy cooed again and gave her his finger to hold, helping her out of her crying fit.

“You’re a natural Tommy. Must’ve been all the babysitting when we were little.” Ada said, as she watched her niece slowly stop crying.

“I can only hope so.” He said, looking down at his little girl. John and Arthur and the others came near as quietly as they could, watching as she had a death grip on Tommy’s finger.

“She’s a strong little bugger. Finn you’ll have to show her the ropes ya know.” Arthur said, Finn looked on curiously at his new niece and nodded.

“Not till she’s older. We have to protect her alright, Y/N will strike me down if we don’t.” Tommy said, smiling a bit as he wondered where her soul was now.

“How about we let you be? We’ve set everything up in your office, so it should suffice until later today when you can take her home. The funeral is at noon. So everyone get home and get ready and meet at the field.” Polly said, before patting Thomas’ shoulder. He was in shock at the nights events, but his daughter luckily helped him from spiraling too far down.

The hours leading up to the funeral were spent trying to feed and change her and having Polly come back early to show him the ropes. Anna was dressed in a small black dress and wrapped in the soft blanket Polly had brought, her cries echoing throughout the shop as everyone gathered their things.

“She’s gonna be a little hell-raiser, I already know.” Polly said.

“Good. Maybe she can take over this place someday aye?” Tommy said, placing his cap on as Polly nestled her into the car with her.

“If she wants to that is.” Polly said, closing the door and looking at the little bundle. Tommy started the car and drove off towards the fields, the bonfire sending smoke into the air upon their arrival.

Tommy stopped the car and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he sat there.

“Are you alright? We can take a minute if you need it Tom.” Polly asked, putting her hand in his shoulder.

He wiped a stray tear from his eye and ran a hand over his face before looking back at his little girl. Her eyes wandering over him as he sat there.

“No. I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine, we just have to say goodbye that’s all.” He said, getting out of the car and gently picking up Anna.

She protested at first, her eyes welling up with tears as she looked around, but they stopped once she saw her fathers face. He was grinning slightly at her and stroking her hair, trying to make sure she was alright.

“She’s okay. She’s probably bloody overwhelmed, poor thing. It’ll be like that for a while, but you can do this Thomas.” Polly said, walking towards the field.

“We can do this right Anna? We have to say bye to mummy alright? It’ll be okay my love.” He said, her cries stopping as he walked with her in his arms and towards the wagon and the bonfire.

The smoke invaded everyone’s lungs as the flames grew around the wagon. Everyone who knew her back when they dated coming together to say some nice words or to offer up small prayers.

Tommy couldn’t say anything, fearing he’d break down, but he stood there holding their daughter, throwing a rose towards the flames and silently thinking of her. Hoping she’d watch over them while she was up there.

As the ceremony ended, he wiped a stray tear away and carried the little girl around the remains of the fire, trying to think of a plan for their new life.

Anna mumbled as he sat with her on a nearby log, giving her rose petals to play with from one of the leftover bouquets.

“Those were your mums favorite.” He said, hearing her mumbling in baby babble.

“M-mama.” She said lightly, looking out at the fire. Thomas felt his throat closing as she said it, wishing nothing more than to bring her back.

“Yes love...Mama is gone but dads got ya now love. She loved you so much...” He said, tear running down his cheek as he kissed the top of her head. She looked up at him as he held her on his lap, still gripping his hand like a security blanket and smiling like Y/N.

Over the next couple months they both grew used to each other’s company. She was babbling more and not crying as much, but she could always sense something was missing. Thomas was home more now than he’d ever been, always keeping an eye on her and taking her to the shop when he’d go to work. Everyone loved her though, as they all took turns watching the little girl.

“She’s doing so well. I know Y/N would be proud, Tommy.” Ada said, patting his shoulder as he stood at the window, looking at the night sky.

“She would aye? I’m seeing more of Y/N in her each day. Only a matter of time before she takes Finn out though.” Tommy said smirking.

“I can’t wait to see that.” Ada said, slowly walking away to do her paperwork.

Tommy walked in his office to see Finn playing with her, giving her random toys as she sat up in a chair, and watching her throw them to the side as soon as she saw her father.

She smiled her little smile and threw her hands up towards him as he walked to her, crouching down and scooping her up as she giggled.

In the silence between them he’d often look up after the long day and see the moon, hoping Y/N would be looking back at them from up there, and he’d whisper to himself that they were alright, hoping in some way she’d know they were.

Tag List:

(If you’d like to be added/removed just shoot me an ask!) :)

@msbzowy, @nofckingfighting, @aranoburns, @sighonahurricane, @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes, @gaytommyshelby, @wowjeena, @fifty-shadesof-tommyshelby, @inglourious-imagines, @thebloodyshelbys, @tsolomons, @blinder-secrets, @reveparade, @shelby-fanatic, @ta-ka-shi-ma, @psychkunox, @peakyxtommy, @captivatedbycillianmurphy,@dreamwastakenx, @lovemissyhoneybee @thomashelbyswhore​

#wierdestmoppet #katiesrequests #katiesfics #peaky blinders #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinders fanfic #thomas shelby #tommy shelby #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby x female!reader #thomas shelby x y/n #katieswiplist

[steropeshu]

Theory: What if Tsukasa was a good guy?

All right, first time that I’m throwing out a theory, (with the assistance of @trish-chan​!) so forgive me if I’m tripping on my words. Okay, so, theory time. (Also, to avoid confusion, I call No.7 by Hanako, and pre-death by Amane)

When I say Tsukasa was a good guy, I mean as in a good bro before he died. I think the current consensus is that Tsukasa was the one abusing Amane (theorized to be in varying degrees…), but what if he wasn’t the one behind it? What if Tsukasa ended up becoming corrupted or messed up in some way?

This ended up really really long, so the whole this is under the cut...

First, let’s focus on how they were alive. What was their relationship like? Well, we know they were close, at least. There’s this one bit in the Tanabata arc where little Amane says that Tsukasa will get violent if interrupted.

However, in the official translations it says that he’ll throw a fit. Y’know, like an excitable little kid.

It also says that he’s playing katanuki, and he LOVES katanuki, so we can assume he wouldn’t want to be interrupted. (Also, Hanako loves katanuki too!)

But other than that, we don’t really see them being brothers in the past, do we. Right…?

WRONG! Something I completely overlooked before were the volume sleeve illustrations.

Also, in this (^) illustration, I’d like to point out that the Tsukasa’s radio and Hanako’s kokeshi doll are sitting on the chest of drawers!

Something to note in these illustrations (and also the Tanabata arc) is that Amane is happy and there are no signs of bruising anywhere either. So at least as little kids, no form of abuse is present.

Also, something else I noticed:

He says that “WE believe it’s real.” Tsuchigomori said that he doesn’t have friends, and he’s obviously not referring to Tsuchigomori here. Tsukasa is the only one left he could be referring to in this “we”. They both were enthusiastic about this rock that supposedly fell from the sky, ever since they were four.

I feel like I’m grasping at straws in this part, but why would Amane include a third party unless they were important? Especially when it comes to something so sentimental to him.

Next, we have the picture from the Kamome school orientation.

Nothing here either. Just the two holding hands, and Amane is still bright-eyed. Note that they are alone. We know the Minamoto siblings live alone, but Mitsuba and Nene both have parents with them. The Yugi twins don’t. Another theory was that Amane’s parents were abusing him and they just favored Tsukasa, but this can allow us to presumably scratch that.

So that means any harm to Amane happened somewhere between here and his death. So, let’s make a time frame, hmm? We know Amane died around age 13. What age is he here…? Well we know he just entered Middle school, the first level Kamome provides for. What age…

Wow. That lines up perfectly.

This leads into the next major part of the theory.

We all know that Kamome is incredibly “haunted.” Filled to the brim with supernaturals. So, what if these two got caught up in supernatural business and things went south?

Originally this was a theory on proving Tsukasa wasn’t the one abusing Amane, but now I’m possibly considering that it was him. However, he wasn’t fully there, or something caused him to go mad.

In this part, Hanako is reciting a part of Mori Ogai’s “Takasebune”. (Credit to  @nanabansama​ for finding that out!) In the story, a man is being exiled for a crime he committed. He seems kind so the police escort is wondering what he did. Turns out, he and his little brother were orphaned when they were young. At some point after growing up and working together, his brother fell ill. He came home one day to find out that his brother tried to kill himself so he wouldn’t be a burden. The man had finished the job for his brother, essentially putting him out of his misery.

We can draw some parallels to Hanako from this.

The man has a little brother that he killed

Absence of parents, this makes it likely that Hanako and Tsukasa’s parents are dead.

The man is being punished for what he’s done and is fully accepting of what has to happen to him as a consequence. In the man’s case, being exiled, and in Hanako’s case, being mediator for human and supernatural relations.

Perhaps from this we can draw that Hanako killed Tsukasa to put him out of his misery.

(Also, something really interesting, Ogai is spelled 鴎外. 鴎 is pronounced “Ou”, however alone it is pronounced “KAMOME”! While we’re on the subject, kamome means seagull. I had no idea why the school would be named that, but I would not be surprised if this were the reason!)

@daikon-senpai​ has pointed out that we can see a reoccurring “hole” in Hanako’s stomach. There’s a high likeliness that he killed himself after killing Tsukasa.

There’s a traditional method of suicide called seppuku, where one would slit their stomach to bleed out (though they would usually have someone cut their neck for efficiency and to minimize suffering). One of the reasons one would commit seppuku were if someone committed a crime or had brought shame on themselves. Both of which would be a likely reason Amane would have killed himself, and he even still carries intense guilt now as Hanako.

[UPDATE: I had made a post about how it appears that Hanako pulls his knife out from his stomach, something absent from the anime. Some of the earlier instances can look like he’s pulling out from his gakuran, so here’s a more obvious example:

@shweshishweh​ and @spades-queen​ have additionally pointed out that in some official art Hanako is depicted with a bandage over his stomach and Tsukasa with a bandage over his heart (or a heart that is damaged, as shown in the Valentine’s Day art).

With this information, not only can we assume Hanako died from wounds on his stomach, but also that Tsukasa likely died from an injury to his heart.

END OF UPDATE]

Speaking of guilt-

It’s believed that when Hanako cries while confronting Tsukasa, he’s afraid because he’s with his abuser again. I doubt this is true at all. He hasn’t cried since the Mitsuba Arc, though he still locks up briefly.

Obviously Hanako holds a ton of guilt from what he did to Tsukasa, so of course he would freeze up when the dude comes out of no where and is like, “Long time no see!!” He’s being confronted with what he did, front and center. No amount of jokes can distract him from it. There’s no avoiding it. After Tsukasa had entered the picture for a while, Hanako stops reacting so strongly, as he’s more prepared for it. (This was pointed out to me by @trish-chan​!)

It’s also possible that Tsukasa is acting the messed-up way he was before he died, and Hanako is realizing that death really didn’t free him from it. He’s mortified at what’s happened to his brother.

Another thing she’s pointed out was that currently, Tsukasa hasn’t hurt Hanako. Not physically, at least. If he was the one hurting him then, why not now? It’s not like he’s hiding being violent in front of people. Let’s see… he turned Mitsuba into a monstrosity, nearly killed Kou, ripped out No. 3’s heart, totally would have turned Nene into a bloody pulp, killed the pufferfish into a bloody mess, and he’s finger painted with blood (who knows where that came from) among various other psychotic things.

Last thing I have here is a kind of lose connection, but worth including, nonetheless.

Only Tsukasa and No. 6 are creepy black mokke. I can’t bring myself to believe that AidaIro would do that for no reason. I wouldn’t question it if it were only Tsukasa, but now No. 6 is in the mix.

This actually made me think of possible connections that Tsukasa has to No. 6. After all, who has a giant gaping hole to the far shore and has messed with someone’s head so hard they basically tried to murder their childhood friend? Is it possible that No. 6 did something to Tsukasa, for whatever reason?

We don’t know enough about No. 6 currently to really be conclusive about this, though. Could both of them been corrupted somehow?

UPDATE ON THIS PART: Since I’ve first posted this, more chapters with No. 6, or Shinigami, have been released. While I have even more doubts that he and Tsukasa have any direct connection than before, I still think there are some shared aspects. Sumire’s seal is probably the most major revelation, now that it’s pretty much confirmed that Tsukasa is a yorishiro. If we assume Tsukasa is Hanako’s yorishiro, then that’s something in common with Sumire and Shinigami. But then wouldn’t Hanako be a black mokke?

This makes me think that that particular connection isn’t the shared aspect Tsukasa and Shinigami have. Perhaps it’s just something that hasn’t been revealed yet (or I haven’t picked up on lol). Something else interesting of note is the fact that Tsukasa has been completely absent this entire arc. His only sort-of presence is through Natsuhiko, who we still don’t know the motives of. We also don’t know how the Tsukasa+Sakura+Natsuhiko+Mitsuba quartet have been dealing with the Severance.

So, there are a lot of questions yet to be answered so I’m not dismissing this idea yet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, in a nutshell, this theory is: Hanako and Tsukasa were good brothers, until they got caught up with supernaturals after entering Kamome. This may have caused Tsukasa to go crazy, and hurt Amane at the same time. This leads to Amane killing Tsukasa. Possibly out of self-defense or putting him out his misery. Following this, Amane kills himself. ~50 years later, present Kamome Academy. Tsukasa makes his way to the near shore and either gets corrupted or was never freed from whatever ailed him when he was alive at the school.

I’m realizing now that this would also explain this:

“Tsukasa is not himself. I know that. So I forgive it.” But we all know that Amane/Hanako is too cryptic and secretive to actually say that.

#jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk #jshk spoilers #toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk #tbhk spoilers #tsukasa yugi #hanako kun #amane yugi #hahaha yes i think i stan tsukasa

[twow]

please tell us your asoiaf amv ideas

OKAY lmao

so some of them unfortunately cannot work bc its book only content but i've been thinking about a black water by of monsters and men house greyjoy amv since forever but like i said. not worth it if aeron and vic cant be in it. ALSO i've been thinking about a sexy naughty bitchy me amv for theon for a long time but sadly that only works with his slutty little outfits which are book only :/ theoretically i could still do it and i still might but it wont be the same. i have a TON of book only ideas in general tbh even tho they can never actually be made. rip to the cannibal by kesha wyman manderly amv/fancam i wish i could make you </3

ANYWAY specifically for the jaime one i might make its so dumb and silly nothing serious but its a bitch by meredith brooks amv lol. ive also been thinking that sexy naughty bitchy me also works for him so i could do that instead of for theon but idk ill need to think abt it

here are some other ideas i have (some are kind of cringe ngl):

-dead mans party red wedding amv

-jaime brienne you belong with me but like. ironically

-this one might be a little too #girlboss so i probs wont do it but girls just want to have fun by cyndi lauper but the girls are committing murder 

-house lannister vid to salty sweet by ms mr

-theon vid to ghosting by mother mother

anyway. these are just some ideas i have that i might make bc i LOVE making amvs even if it means ill have to use show content. but like. i am busy so who knows if ill actually make them

#ask #ty for asking i love talking about my ideas #anonymous

[cockbiteproductions]

just another person Going Through It with hashtag ryangate lol f

i was going through jeremy’s twitter likes because someone said he liked friend of mine’s tweet about feeling bad for fiona in this situation and i wanted to see it myself. and then i scrolled down and in the older likes was a tweet from ryan qrting the rt account from like october 1st and he had attached a video of him. and the date just struck me as so fucking recent. this was less than a week ago. less than a week ago everything was fine and he was acting like he hadn’t done any of this shit and business was carrying on as normal. and i just viscerally had to close the tab and get up and go outside on a walk.

and i just hate this i hate how deeply ryan was embedded in rt and ah and how many years of memories are tainted now. just a few hours ago i was like oh well maybe ill go watch [an ah video] to make myself feel better but then i remembered i can’t. like even if he wasn’t in it i couldn’t, it all just feels dirty now. i don’t want to in a year from now open up an old ah video and then immediately have to close it because ryan was in it. like going back to old old ah videos and seeing ray in it is a pleasant surprise but seeing ryan would just be. like almost every time i type his name i have to pause and physically shudder. it just fucking sucks. i hate that years of positive memories are now fucked up because of him. god how hard is it to not cheat on your wife with fans.

and i keep going back and forth on being able to laugh about this. like joking to lighten with the fuckery of it all and being glad that he has been exposed for the creepy and cheating fucker he is. like i keep remembering this one tweet i saw that was like “lol rip to everyone who bought a ryan body pillow” and it’s fucking hilarious and i laugh every time i think about it. but then 2 seconds later i remember those people legitimately looked up to him and found him to be a source of comfort. and how fucked up i would be if My Favorites were exposed for something like this and then it just isn’t funny anymore. and it wasn’t like i didn’t like ryan like he was a solid member in the ah cast and i very much liked him in videos and i already feel like shit because of this. so ill see people making jokes about this and laugh momentarily and then think to myself ok stop being fucking rude this isn’t funny stop making jokes about this. even though i was laughing myself a second ago.

but also i feel like just the tiniest smidgen of sympathy for him in having his nudes leaked like. fuck. if that happened to me i would be mortified. and people are making jokes about it and how he looks and it just doesn’t sit right with me like i know he did a terrible thing but god those were still personal and he didn’t deserve nudes of him leaked. like i guess some people could argue it’s retribution for what he did but i’ve never been one for revenge except in the most extreme cases and i know this is bad it’s so bad i understand what he did was terrible i even answered an ask explaining why but this isn’t one of those Most Extreme cases im willing to say that he deserves this.

and also in the comments of that ryan situation video from tessa i kept seeing things that were like “i have no sympathy for you. you knew what you were doing. you knew he had a wife and kids.” and. i understand what kind of point you are trying to make here but truly i don’t think they understand the power parasocial relationships can hold over people. they are your favorite person. you would do practically anything to feel close to them. and especially at that young age. like not to discount the critical thinking skills of a seventeen year old because i mean i was seventeen once and i had a brain but with the idol worship/stan culture and not fully developed brain you cannot possibly think that what she did was entirely of her own. i dont know the word im going for here. i guess of her own volition. that’s not very right but i can’t think of another word right now. like to a small small degree she is culpable for what she did there but not NEARLY anywhere in the ballpark of what ryan did. ryan, in his 30s at the time, married with children, should have absolutely known better and not been recipient &| solicit sex from his fans. they’re just nowhere near the same ballpark of blame in this.

and as for ryan’s tweet like. “i made mistakes.” yeah bro you sure fucking did. mistakes is the weakest word for it i can think of. god again just how fucking hard is it to not cheat on your wife. but the “please stop harassing and threatening my family” like holy shit i am livid that people are doing this. they are the victims of this and people are going after them????? what is wrong with people. everything about this is disgusting.

since i guess i’m just ranting about everything about this right now also in relation to ah’s tweet on monday about cancelling the stream, the quote rts were so fucking wild. like you had people defending ryan and saying that even if the rumors were true, they would continue to stand by him. and then on the other hand people were calling ah cowards for having replies turned off and saying it was classic rt, avoiding the problem. like the news broke literally that previous night. an account is posting actual pornographic material in the replies of tweets about ryan. in what fucking world would they have replies to that tweet on. no way should a social media manager have to deal with that. and it’s been less than a fucking day you can’t say they’re fucking avoiding the problem when you haven’t given them time to actually come up with anything. i’m surprised ryan “resigned” as soon as he did. all of you have 0 fucking brain cells and no sense of nuance and i fucking hate it here.

oh and i keep thinking about how he was the voice for a villain this season of rvb and now i wonder if they’re going to get someone to redo the voice.

also i guess if you continue to post ryan content ill probably unfollow you like i get having a comfort person/character i really do and i get that the vagabond or whatever is almost an entirely separate concept from ryan at this point but i personally cannot handle seeing him on my dash anymore so nothing against you but i don’t want to see it.

#teresa talks #rt wank #tldr: this sucks; if you post ryan content after this for my own sake i will be unfollowing #oh and i guess don't reblog that shouldnt have to be said but some of yall will rb almost any post i make #once again i will be ignoring asks sent about this

[leavetwn]

* KAYLEE BRYANT, CISWOMAN + SHE/HER  | you know SUZIE TANAKA, right? they’re TWENTY-ONE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, EIGHTEEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to VALENTINE BY HOPE TALA like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole ROLLERSKATES SCUFFED FROM YEARS OF USE, STARTING A JOURNAL ENTRY TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST ONE, A SIGH OF RELIEF ONCE YOU'RE FINALLY ALONE thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is NOVEMBER 28TH, so they’re a SAGGITARIUS, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( claire, 22, est, she/her )

it’s me again ! bringing a character who i’ve played for a while now, just switched up & such for every rp, and now , i’m bringin her here. :^) i hope you enjoy her as much as i do! tw: mentions of mental illness (anxiety)

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 .

full name: suzie tanaka. nickname(s): su, anything your muse wants to call her tbh. age: twenty-one. date of birth: november 28th. zodiac sign: saggitarius. gender/pronouns: ciswoman, she/her. sexual orientation: bisexual. romantic orientation: biromantic. hometown: san francisco, californio. current residence: irving, north carolina. occupation: part time waitress at cutie pie’s thanks to her skills on skates. full time student at the local college in her junior year as a creative writing major. she minors in film pro eye color: brown. hair color/style: dark brown, upper-mid back length & she usually just wears it in a simple ponytail. it’s more manageable when she’s out. however, when she’s at home, she’ll leave it down. height : 5′3″. clothing style: you can’t really put suzie’s style into one category. it’s inspired by several different eras & many times she pieces it together. some might call it a bit tacky at times, but she thinks it looks cute. to her, that’s all that matters. tattoos: none. probably could never attempt to get one cause she’s seriously afraid of needles lol. piercings: her ears and that’s when she was fairly young. reference the tattoos portion for reasoning.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 .

when you were around six years old  , you first realized that you were lonely. it wasn’t like you weren’t around other people. it was just that those people were mostly your mom and dad. occasionally your cousins would come over sometimes, but they were all older than you by at least four years. your parents were kind of eccentric, and for that, they experienced how harsh other kids could be very early on. they decided they didn’t want you to experience the same things, so since both were felt they were prepared enough to do so, they homeschooled you to keep you sheltered from those types of things. 

you’re sure they had good intentions. that’s not something you questioned, but you wished they’d at least find another kid you could be friends with or have another kid. you found yourself bored by yourself, so you immersed yourself in things like books or whatever movies they had around the house. this is where your love of fairytales began, and you’d fantasize about living in one while you read or watched the stories unfold.

you lived in your head, and you still pretty much do. you’re an idealist, even though you haven’t seen much of the world. perhaps it’s the fact that you haven’t ventured very far from your home that makes you so, and while life could still be boring, you always had another book or movie to keep you company. you grew content being on your own, and the more that you were, the more you began to enjoy your own company.

that didn’t change the fact that you longed for friends. in all the stories you read or watched, the protagonist had one other person along with them for much of their journey. sure, you had people that you were friendly with, but it was never to the extent that you wanted. it was never a best friend or a close group  —  just someone you saw on few occasions. it also didn’t help how you felt when you were around others. the way you monitored every step you took, the way you crossed your legs, or going over the way you would speak to someone in your head over and over. you figured for the longest time it was because you were shy, but a diagnosis of anxiety gave you a lot more clarity and almost a sense of relief. those things started to make more sense.

being alone helped a lot when it came to academics. you spent a lot of your time studying or looking up random ass facts on the internet, and because of this, you’d call yourself fairly smart. you know your shit. it also helped a lot when getting into colleges. you didn’t aim too high though, not yet comfortable being all the way on your own. so, you chose the nearby university to attend. 

you move out. you’re excited, and your parents are nervous but prepared. they’re not oblivious to the fact that this day would come. you’re ready to go out and face the world, but most of all, you’re ready to make friends. you’re ready to go out and experience the world, every small step at a time. you’re convinced at college you’ll become a brand new person, find yourself, and make plenty of friends. 

it doesn’t go like that at first. of course it doesn’t. it’s a new environment, and it takes getting used to. but soon, people loosen up and warm up to you. you’re quick to make a couple of friends. it isn’t at all like the stories you’d read or watched when you were younger. it is happy and fun and joyous, but you realize that friendships take work. it’s a bit exhausting, as someone who had become such an introvert, but you manage and form close bonds. 

as of now, you are working on your degree and managing life one step at a time. you’re doing pretty well, and things are looking up. you keep your head in the clouds still to this day, imagining what the future will be like. you’re still idealistic and optimistic, not that that’s a bad thing.  

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 .

i was being exaggerative with the ‘being at home’ stuff rip. i mean, she did spend a lot of time at home, but she wasn’t always there. her dad would take her out to rockin’ and rollin’, and i mean, she fuckin rocks when it comes to skating. it was kind of freeing to her as a child. she def got a pair of rollerblades as a christmas present, and she probably was the kid skating down her neighborhood road and shit from sunrise until her mom told her to take her ass inside. 

maybe seems like she’s ditzy and she’s probably somewhat naive, but she’s definitely not stupid. she’s also a fast learner. she is, however, too nice for her own good. she’ll learn eventually, but she’s hopeful and an optimist at heart 💔

loves her dad but tells her mom everything. she doesn’t recognize it, but her mom was probably her first best friend lmaoo. they have a really good relationship. she has a good relationship with her dad too. he’s a bit more closed off than her mom, and she recognizes that but understands.

has an irrational fear that everyone’s like,,, staring at her & thinking she’s weird. really wants everyone to like her but she’s not sure how to make that happen (news flash, it won’t)

her fam is actually from san francisco but when she was 3, her dad got a better offer in irving so that’s how they ended up here. she knows this & she wonders what life woulda been like if she stayed back in san fran. probably wouldn’t have changed but she literally lives in her head and imagines shit like that’s her job at this point so yehhh 

dreams of being a screenwriter and maybe even a director one day. she saw how film and books influenced her life as a kid & she wants to have the same impact, yk? v cute to me i love that. maybe she’ll write a book one day too who knows

i’m feelin like she has a ton of online friends cause she was seeking connection /w people so it makes sense. shout out to all her online pals who kept her sane & shit, but it wasn’t enough for her cause she really wanted those kinds of things irl.

is a hopeless romantic rip to her. just wants someone to sweep her up off her feet and give her butterflies but this aint no damn fairytale so let’s make it chaotic

character parallels: lily (dash & lily, 2020) , amélie poulain (amélie, 2001) , belle in some ways lmao (beauty and the beast, 1991) more to be added.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

*  friends, best friends, etc.  — literally any friends at all. this is the connection she craves the most tbh. platonic over romantic periodt ! she just wants people to braid her hair and have deep, personal convos with about literally anything while legally blonde is on the television. 

* a bad influence  —  i mean, she stayed inside mostly & is kind of an introvert. didn’t have tons of friends either, so she didn’t really have time to go to parties, etc. BE A BAD INFLUENCE SHE NEEDS TO LET LOOSE LMAOO. it’ll prolly take a lot to get her out but hey 

* good influence  — someone she’s a good influence on & who she helps in some way. i could see it happenin’. if you see it happening, i mean... hmu you know where i am mwah 💖

* crush  — someone she’s head over heels with. i mean, it probably wouldn’t take a lot. in my head she be catching feelings way too fast. it’s just a thing, but yeah, it could go either way. maybe your character is into her too or she’ll end up getting her heart broken which is lmao bound to happen one day. could also be someone who’s crushing on her but she’s way to busy focusing all her romantic attention on someone else to notice? idk i’m just here for all the plots.

* annoyance  — someone who finds her ass annoying/does not like her. she wants everyone to like her so it would be so confusing and upsetting and she would be like wtf did i do but i want it cause i love angst. sorry to all my muses out there luv yall but i’m just bein real

* again, anything at all  — if you have an idea that you love, pls don’t hesitate to hmu and lemme know. i promise i will 99.9% of the time be down. the same goes for any wanted connection doodads that i reblog like if u see it and ur like omg i luv that... PLEASE hmu i luv u all already & just wanna have plots and write with you srsly

#irvingintro #well there u have it my last one done i am so THANKFUL AND HAPPY #takes a bow #the way it's almost 4 am see i did not lie i am up forever

[trashi-bee]

Caught Red-Handed, Pt.1?

Pairing: Reader x Rude asf! Nikki x Vince x Tommy

Warnings: 18+ pls, language, mentions of alcohol, degradation, choking, hair pulling

Lil Summary: Reader works at a diner that the boys frequent, becomes infatuated with them and follows them home (based off of early 80′s Motley) 

Also! I got a lot of inspiration from @thewritingdoll​ when writing this! (she wrote a piece that included reader! breaking into somebody's house and I really wanted to write something of my own that incorporated that! xox) .. also for some reason I tried to edit this post and I deleted like all the text so sorry if you’re seeing this again but I had to reformat it lol 

You felt so pathetic, being so easily tempted by the three most deplorable boys to step foot within your little diner. They came every Sunday morning, smelling of jack, sweat, and whatever whore they were with the night before. 

At first you hated them, fucking despised them. They were loud, disrespectful and refused to treat anybody with an ounce of respect. 

“Fill up my cup, would you kitten?”, the blonde haired stunner you’ve learned goes by Vince quips, flashing you a sly grin as you stroll towards the group with a pot of fresh brew in hand. Pouring a cup of coffee has never felt so strenuous, simply being in their presence makes your face flush and your knees go weak. 

As soon as you’ve finished your assigned task you turn to leave, only to be held back by a hand placed on your forearm. “What’s the rush, baby?” Nikki’s mischievous olive hues lock with yours, “a little company would be appreciated, sit down”. Being ordered by a drunken punk should make you furious, but instead you feel your sex throb at the thought of how else he could boss you around. 

“I’d love to stay, but my boss-“ you’re interrupted mid sentence, Tommy pulls you towards him and places you in the booth. “Don’t be silly, we’re the only people here”, he interjects, you turn and realize he’s right - had you been that preoccupied with your thoughts that you failed to realize you were alone? alone with the boys who crept their way into your dreams and flooded your head with all the possible ways they could use you. 

“Oh.. right, I guess I could stay for a minute”, your mouth goes dry and your heartbeat increases tenfold, why did they have this effect on you? 

“We’ve been coming here every Sunday for a few months now, long enough to tell you’re never very busy, yet you always find a way to avoid us when we come in- no need to be scared, kitten, we don’t bite'', Nikki intervenes once again, he’s undoubtedly the leader of the pack.

You’re caught off guard, searching for the perfect excuse, just as you feel a mischievous hand crawling up the side of your upper thigh, making its way towards your core. “I- uh- I haven’t meant to stay away from you guys, I’m just usually the only worker here”. Tommy smirks from beside you, aware of the damage he’s causing. 

Thankfully, you’re pulled from the situation when you hear the familiar ring of the door being opened on the opposite end of the diner, in walking an elderly man, making his way towards the counter. You slide out of the booth and take your still warm pot of coffee along with you, heading towards the man that saved you from utter humiliation. 

You’ve barely left his side, forcing small talk to pass the time, ignoring the three boys across the room. After what felt like an eternity, they finally left. You weren’t sure if you were relieved that you’d finally have some peace and quiet, or disappointed that more hadn’t happened. 

The weeks continued to pass and they continued to come every Sunday, hitting on every living and breathing piece of ass to pass their table, yet they became more courteous towards you, no longer making snide remarks and ogling you as you bent over to refill their mugs.. and honestly, it hurt more than you’d like to admit. 

As time passed, your desire to be mistreated and degraded by the ill-mannered boys increased, it took over your every thought. Not only was Sunday difficult, but you found yourself thinking about them every day of the week, you had to see more of them, learn more about them. And that’s when you followed them home. 

You’d come to learn they lived together, and that they didn’t really have a schedule as they played in a band together. Partying throughout the night, waking up in the afternoon and doing it all over again the next day. 

You’ve been watching them for a while, unsure of when exactly you’d be able to sneak inside their apartment as they were really hard to track- then it hit you.. the only time you were sure they’d be away was Sunday morning. 

You took off your Sunday shift for the first time in months, sad you wouldn’t be seeing them this week but overjoyed that you’d be able to rummage around in their dirty little play pin. 

Getting in wasn’t too difficult, as their door had been kicked in by the cops so many times they had to nail it shut and leave the window open in order to enter. The interior is exactly what you’d imagined it to be, broken glass strewn across the floor, ripped clothes covering the few pieces of furniture they own, a vast array of stains decorate the carpet, the air smells of Jack Daniels and a strong musk, their natural odor, and it’s so fucking intoxicating. 

You have no idea where to start, so you wander down the hall in front of you, entering the first room you find. A dresser overflowing with leather pants and band t-shirts, a bed lying on the floor and posters covering the wall. In the corner, a white bass. This was Nikki’s room. 

What now? Do you take something, or play it safe? Would they notice if you took a few mementos? A shirt or two couldn’t hurt- the idea of lounging around at home in their clothes sounded fantastic, you had to take something, anything. 

Getting down on your knees in front of the overfilled dresser, you pulled open the bottom drawer, pawing through the mess and taking in the scent that enveloped each piece of apparel. 

That’s when you heard them, entering the apartment through the same window you’d crawled through only moments ago - how could they be back already! You’ve calculated this so perfectly, they’d never missed a Sunday at the diner, ever. You were fucked, absolutely terrified and with nowhere to hide, there was no getting out of this. You froze in place, a single set of footsteps heading towards the room you were in, how would you explain this? Would you have to quit your job? You’d never be able to face them again. 

“Well, boys, I guess we know why our little pet wasn’t at work today”, Nikki calls out, staring you down, a playful and arrogant smirk growing on his lips. “Care to explain why the fuck you’re in my room, bitch?”, you open your mouth to respond, but nothing comes out, embarrassed and defeated, you look towards your feet. 

“Lost for words, little girl?”, you hear him step closer, so close that you can smell the bittersweet scent of alcohol that radiates off his body. The other two enter the room to find what Nikki’s discovered, the waitress from the diner down the road standing in their apartment, caught red-handed. 

Calloused fingers reach underneath your chin, forcing your head upwards so that you’re staring into the eyes of the Nikki Sixx, your lips only inches away from his own. “I asked you a question, didn’t I? I expect an answer, little one”, you search your head for something, anything, biting down on your lip and batting your lashes, you decide on the safest option available, “I partied here a few days ago and left something behind, I came back to get it”.

The three men laugh in unison, causing your stomach to do flips, they didn’t believe you. “If you were here, we would’ve noticed, do you think I’m dumb, bitch?”. You shake your head, cheeks flushing and your sex throbbing at the derogatory names he’s been referring to you with. You’re in the most vulnerable position you’ve ever found yourself in, the three most filthy boys in the city towering over you, enclosing you. Nikki peers behind you, an evil grin spreading across his plump lips “you were going through my dresser, weren’t you?”, you feel Vince run his digits through your hair, grabbing at your locks and pulling you back to look him in the eyes “little fuckin’ thief, huh?”.

Nikki looks you over, he says nothing but his demeanor shows that he demands a proper explanation. The grip Vince has on your hair tightens. Nikki places his hands on your waist, pushing the fabric of your shirt up to expose a few inches of skin. The fear you felt moments ago now mixes with excitement and lust, an intoxicating mixture of danger and pleasure. 

“I think I’ve figured it out, boys, little miss shy wanted to gather a few treasures to keep for herself- gather a few shirts to smell as she toys with her pussy at night, thinking of the sleazy boys from the diner fucking her stupid”, a whimper passes your lips, Tommy chuckles, “I think that’s exactly what this little bitch was up to, weren’t you taught not to steal?” Your eyes meet, his grin matching Nikki's, pure evil. 

“Only a twisted little whore would follow us back to our house and rummage through our dirty clothes” Vince chimes in from behind, pressing his stiff member firmly against your ass. The hold on your hair is finally released, your head falling forward, just in time for Nikki to wrap his hand around your neck, his free hand pushing apart your lips, two fingers reaching the back of your throat. Your eyes water as you choke on the thick digits invading your mouth. Drool drips down your chin and onto your clothed chest, Nikki pulls his hand free, smearing the spit that covers his fingers across your face. 

“See, we could make a big deal out of this-“ Nikki gestures to the space around him, alluding to the space you had broken into “..Maybe tell your boss you took off your shift to break into our lovely home, or, which I think is the better option, you could finally let us have a little fun with you”.

Your eyes light up, ecstasy pumping through your veins. Primal instincts had taken control, you were nodding your head in agreement before you had even considered his propositions. “Do anything you want to me- anything”.

#Motley Crue #motley crue fanfiction #motley #crue #nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #nikki sixx x reader #tommy lee x reader #vince neil x reader #imagine #x reader #fanfic #the dirt #80s #80s rock #mötley crüe

[c6jpg]

genshin anon! idk i always just have a million tabs open. theyre mostly youtube videos i like watching and dont want to have to find lol. got 19 open right now lol. yeah the only weapons i really have leveled up are on the main ones i use. i only use certain characters for certain things (like chongyun and xinyan), so they just switch between my decent claymores lol. ive got so many claymores but no real need to level them honestly. ah yeah i love hu tao! shes a lot of fun to use honestly.

<3

(2/5) i love her *aesthetic* too lol. yeah my xiao.. also not the best but he does fine. FINALLY GOT 10 FRIENDSHIP THOUGH. TOOK FOREVER. now i have my xiao namecard and i am happy. hu tao is like 1/3 through 9 so she'll be there soon! ahh yeah i know that feeling. its such a struggle to just get on sometimes but once youre there, its all good. idk for me its kind of fun to play with strangers. although it takes forever for someone to accept your invite... like if your signature is 'help me with

(3/5) something' then dont decline me ): oo i hope youre friend does start playing so you can help! its fun experiencing it all again. plus its VERY fun to just destroy everything... hehe. UGH WE GOT NOELLE ON A BANNER AGAIN. got her c5 now :') also diona is back... plus the free diona... at least whenever i pull diona now i basically get a wish back :/ sweetie i love you but please not now. yeah i sometimes have a bit of luck. im nearing soft pity for zhongli now... and i have 50/50 which...

(4/5) never ends well for me :/ always lose the 50/50. how are you enjoying 1.5??? ZHONGLI'S STORY QUEST OH MY. finally got to do it yesterday (had been busy and i knew i needed to be able to sit and focus) and just wow )': that boss though... wasnt really prepared to fight it and almost didnt go well haha. the housing system is kind of fun! im.... just rushing through it at this point. ill make my place look pretty once my trust rank is up <3 lol. i also finally did a hangout lol. diona has

oh rip the 5th part said it was bad and it disappeared :/ anyway i forget where it started but yeah i did one part of diona's hangout and it was cute! nice seeing her in the story. didnt realize you get primos so... going to do all the hangouts now. need those zhongli primos </3 and yanfei! she was pretty cool in the teapot quest! i have her c1 and while i dont have anything to lvl her with, she's pretty cool! but yeah how you liking 1.5?

lmaooo somehow i feel like i’m in the minority when it comes to tabs... i guess when i’m working i have a lot of tabs open but when it’s just casual i can NOT. i have like one okayish sword for every type (basically all the prototypes since you can forge them) + the skyward sword but that’s about it lmao </3

yeah i love the whole butterfly thing going on with her, it’s a nice touch! omg same we gonna be besties with xiao LMAO i’ve replaced him with keqing now who i am LOVING she’s definitely my fave dps now. lmao i’m always that person who declines jfkldas although it’s not like i’m requesting people to come to my world so yea. 

she like. downloaded the game but idk if she’s made progress jafsdkljfsa god just chilling with my c6 noelle -_- BUT i’ve pulled yanfei a bunch (at c2) + zhongli so i think that was the game forgiving me for giving me like 5 fucking noelles on venti’s banner jakfdl. and ahhhh good luck i hope you get zhongli!!! i’m sooo excited to have him tbh i’m gonnna keep pulling on his banner in the hopes i MIGHT get him to c1. although eula seems pretty cool and she’s next so might save a little bit for her

i’m loving 1.5 a lot!!! zhongli’s story quest made me sad :( yeah i wasn’t prepared for that boss either LMAO but zhongli’s shield got me through <3 the housing system is fun but sort of stressful? in the IDK WHERE TO PUT THINGS way ajdflajfsklj but omg same at this point i’m just sort of haphazardly putting things everywhere and once they stop giving me rewards for making specific things/placing specific things i’ll probably look more into customizing. like all the landforms are currently stacked into a single mega dense hill thing ajklfdas

omg yeah you get quite a decent chunk of primogems from the hangouts <3 did you see the 1.6 leaks? :O kazuha the new boy in town afkljda

#asks #genshin anon

[klvht]

The Occult vs. “A Cult”

The Occult vs. “A Cult”

How many can agree that Christianity is a cult?

I thought so too, at first.

I grew up in a Catholic faith, went to a Catholic church, and attended a Catholic school. Over the years, it has changed. I have been to a few different churches, but all focused-on God.

I believe a couple days ago, that God put it on my heart to write about the occult and witchcraft, but I wasn’t sure how to, in order to get my full point across; So I figured I’d just share my journey.

As many of you know, I used to live in Salem, MA & have been visiting there for most of my life. (Shout out to Mr. Roy who had brought my father up there almost his whole life as well, R.I.P.) Don’t get me wrong, Salem is a BEAUTIFUL place, and I love it there, even til this day. The area is super peaceful, has an amazing history, and is overly beautiful. I believe that Salem is one of the centers of witchcraft, and unfortunately, I got into it too. I used to read oracle cards, use a pendulum, practice spells, create sigils, the list goes on. Even as a little girl, my parents were getting their car fixed, and there was a witch there who wanted to speak with me, for whatever reason, which now I find funny that I ended up walking down the same unrighteous path as her later on in life (but as early as 12 years old).

Let’s go back to the home that started it all... upstate, NY. I got my first pack of oracle cards when I used to live in a house built in the 1800’s; my mom purchased them for me. They were contained in a beautiful package littered with “Angel” messages, that would help me tell the future. I also had my first pendulum in that house that I purchased from a visit in Salem. It was a beautiful home, the first one my parents purchased, and we had acres of land, including and above ground pool, a separate garage/bay/barn area, chickens, guinea hens, and an awesome pup.

Above the garage/bay/barn area, there was a door. You walked up the stairs in my backyard, up the hill to the right, and found it. It was very weird, but since the home was so old, we never thought anything about it. I remember the first door, and first room. It was wood, dark, damp, and gross lol. But if you kept walking forward, you came to this second door. I cannot stress enough that this door had Satanic writing all over it, including warnings saying “demon/devil inside”, “do not open”, had a big pentagram on the door, as well as sigils written all over it in what I believed to be red paint or ink. Thinking about it now, I wish I never had the curiosity to open that door, I wish I understood that it was a true warning, whether people believed it to be or were just fooling around. I truly believe upon opening that door is what could have led to the outpouring of demonic and evil spirits in that house, and could have latched on to my family, because once we moved into that home, things were never the same. I remember a trap door being in there, and I remember a burst of warm/hot air that came out as soon as I opened it. It took me a while to open that door, and I’m not sure if that was the only reason, but there were ghosts in my house, and demons, and no one knew any better. My mother saw, felt, and heard a few different ghosts in that house. One she called the ‘cowboy ghost’ which stood in the doorway in one of the hallways that went by my living room and led to the upstairs. She was also in our downstairs bathroom one time, and heard a woman call out “Hello…” as if she just wanted my mother to know that she was there. Lastly, my mother was asleep on the couch one day, and woke up to something screaming in her face, which I know now, had to be a demon. My sister at the time, who could not have been older than 4 when we were living at that house, saw a little boy ghost walk straight through the wall. I never saw anything, but I never really have, I’ve just always been the one to feel presences.

There was sooo much negative energy in that house, and sorry to say it, but so much had manifested over time and had increased the greediness, heartlessness, separation, and negativity in my family. I didn’t see my parents much, they ran a successful construction business out of the home, us kids would NEVER go downstairs or walk around at night by ourselves, and my brother was definitely attacked and latched to in that house.

Upon seeing, feeling, and experiencing all this, my mom went to the local psychic to find out what was going on. She did not know, but trust me, you guys should NOT be relying on a psychic to tell you about your life. The psychic may tell you true things, they may be able to see your home through their ‘third eye’, and they could probably predict things that actually came true at a later date, BUT their messages come from Satan, and other evil spirits who wish to destroy, manipulate, and kill. I’ve experienced this a few times, I’ll elaborate in a few paragraphs to come. The psychic my mom went to, described our home “to a T”. She spoke about my grandfather who had passed, and other life experiences my mom had gone through, which most psychics start off with to gain trust. Then she moved on to how a dark entity was basically scaring my brother day in and day out; he wouldn’t even shower alone. She told my mom how our home was a “walk through” for spirits because there were two cemeteries on each side of the home, down the road both ways. I don’t remember if we ever tried to pray Jesus over the home, or had a priest bless the home.

My mother became ill in that house. Long story short, she collapsed on her and my father’s wedding anniversary in 2005, and my dad resuscitated her. I fully believe she has been latched on to, regardless of what anyone says. It has been 15 years, and the doctors STILL don’t know what is fully wrong or what happened that day. She has had multiple operations, been on a variety of medications, and still, cannot seem to get better.

My most recent encounter was with the New Age religion, earlier in this quarantine time, sometime in February 2020, which seems to collaborate all types of faiths, such as buddhism, chakra practices, satanism, witchcraft, meditation, spirit guides, and even some excerpts from the Bible. The problem was, that I have always known that I had a type of psychic gift, as well as, I considered myself to be an empath; and while that may be true, I did not hold the true meaning or source of these gifts, that were given to me by God, and manipulated by Satan.

What I got out of being involved with multiple groups of “The Great Awakening”, moving from “4D to 6D consciousness”, practicing “meditation” to find my “spirit guides”, “the law of attraction”, etc. was that it is ALL motivated by Satan and manipulated to deceive the souls created by God, to fool them, and to use them for his purpose, just by putting a simple twist on the subject, and to practice this type of inclusivity that the world had never seen before. That’s the thing about Satan, he appears warm & fuzzy, cool & collected, cares about all types of love and inclusivity, JUST to deceive people. He’s an evil mastermind. Remember that when he decides to reveal himself and push his new world order, just as the Bible says will come in these end times.

Let me tell you, the New Age religion is false. I found myself headed down the path very abruptly, and it was like I could not focus on anything else. Whatever demons I was letting into my life legally, (because that’s what you do when you welcome and practice in sin, worldly matters, emotions, feelings, and forms of witchcraft), were now starting to manifest and turn my whole world upside down. I was in a dark and depressed time, suicidal thoughts were again surfacing, I wasn’t caring about my wellbeing, I was hateful towards others, the list goes on.

One day I was meditating to find my “spirit guides”, and idk maybe about 10-15 minutes in, while focusing on my ‘third eye’ chakra, I saw a demon. A literal demon. It was crawling on all fours, had menacing, scary, sharp, flesh ripping teeth, and it JUMPED at me. (Think of those stupid jump scare videos on social media). As SOON as that happened, I called out to Jesus and said the ‘Our Father’ prayer, and instantly at once, I felt safe again. It was either that day or a few days later, that Jesus visited me in a dream to save me once again, because I had decided to focus on dark powers to give myself purpose, identity, and power. He was there for me, even though I left the path that He was with me on.

Others that I have spoken to that once practiced meditation and finding ‘spirit guides’, said that as soon as they turned to Christianity and Jesus once again, the same thing happened. These ‘spirit guides’ were demonic in spirit, but appeared as nice, helpful beings initially. This is terrifying stuff guys, but that’s what Satan is all about. He wants to deceive you until the very last second when Jesus comes, just so you will worship Satan and his beasts, rather than knowing that you can call on Jesus anytime to come help. There really is no way to “close the circle” as some witches call it during some of their sacrificing, or “white magic” rituals.

I have to admit, that I do feel guilty and a bit of groaning within me because I waited so long to write on this, because God put it in my mind and in my heart a couple days ago. And now look, there’s a full moon/eclipse that’s happening tonight, and witches all around the world are trying to “hex the racists”, “restore order”, and “bring peace” with their practices TONIGHT. I’m just glad that God showed me that before I went another day without writing on this subject.

Again, if you have any questions or want to hear more about my experiences, (I have plenty more that I may write about), feel free to comment or inbox me.

Thanks for reading,

God Bless You,

Jesus Saves.

I love you guys.

#occult #satanist #satanism #religion #perspective #truth #realtalk #personal #storytime #horror #truestory #experience #personal experience #psychic #witchcraft #witch #jesus #jesusismysavior #christianity #cult

[blufirre]

In the Fields We Lie

So this is something that I’ve been working on for a month now and I hardly ever finish bigger projects like this simply due to lack of motivation lol. But here it is!! I’m proud that I made myself go through with this even if it’s not the best out there, I just like telling stories :) Also @cherryyharryy I’m tagging you here to let you know that I finally put it up! Amber I appreciate you for looking forward to reading this! I thank you and Sarah, @harryforvogue​ , for giving me your support!!

Chapter One: (I don’t know if or what I should name this chapter so if you have suggestions please let me know!)

---

They say that in the midst of darkness and a time where nothing prospers, the mind wonders and wanders. This is the time where inspiration strikes and masterpieces are made. There is, more than anything else we have, is time. And what we do in that allotted space is up to us to choose. What shall we occupy ourselves with? Where do our minds wander off to? Do we take this time to care for ourselves if that’s an option? We, for a fact, daydream that this newfound reality is something more peaceful than what it is, that before this all happened that we had taken every opportunity to do the things that we had desired. Do we read the books we’ve acquired but never got around to reading if we have access to them? Should we seek out loved ones and write them to see how they’re coping? What we make of this situation is our choice, but ultimately we need to distract ourselves from the horridness that’s outside.

Every life is valuable but only a select few see the importance of this. The common folk are the first to panic and cause chaos. They tend to be more conservative and harsh towards anyone they do not know. Unwilling to lend a hand to fellow citizens in need. Now, this does not apply to all of the population, there are some good hearted people out there, those are the ones who will survive. The ones who are selfless instead of selfish are the ones you can trust, and you’ll know that they’ll save your ass. These are often the people that will give you half of anything they got because they understand how unkind and riotous the world can be.

In this time of uncertainty, of course, you have no choice but to try and keep yourself safe. Whether it be working to put food on the table or simply staying inside when you can. Now for some unfortunate souls, this really isn’t an option they get to choose, it was made for them; others offered up their life for the land they lived on. Being picked out of this sea of men, all having to be a certain height, weight, age, and they have to be healthy. If you meet the criteria, you’re already signed up and packing your bags. You don’t know when you’ll be going, to ruin your fresh young adulthood, but it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be ripped away from it. The game of time is a bastard to all who have to endure it. Especially so to a twenty year old man who didn’t see this coming.

—

This story dates back to May 1914 when Harry Styles was a young innocent soul. He was only worried about getting to work on time and pleasing the cute girl next door. Even though his life was simple he enjoyed it very much so.

Before the war Harry had had a busy childhood. He wasn’t fully allowed to go out with his friends due to the fact he had to help his father with the upkeep of their family farm. Most of his free time was spent tending to the cows and helping his mother cook meals. His mother often fought for him so he could enjoy his youth, which led his father to start  arguments saying that Harry needed to do his part for the household. More times than not he would do what his father expected of him because he couldn’t stand to see his mom upset at some of the things that came out of his dad's mouth.

As he got older he learned that the quicker he did his duties, the faster he could get ready and have fun. He doesn’t like to admit it either, but the faster he worked, the less time he had to spend with his father. Alongside everything he was also balancing his academics, and once he reached the age of sixteen he had gained other responsibilities. His mother got pregnant with his younger sister and his father had gotten severely ill. It wasn’t easy for Harry to give up his life at such a young age, but he loved his family and would do anything for them, even if that meant losing time on his clock.

For six weeks his father was bedridden with pneumonia and couldn’t bring himself to even lift his head off his pillow. Harry did everything he could, fed his father, gave him sponge baths, took up the work of two on the farm, while also watching over his mother when she had days where she couldn’t get up herself. During this stressful time, was a time to reflect on how much Harry appreciated what his dad did around the house. And being appreciative of the ways he grew up, some of them anyways. Going out there and doing your job right and doing it early so that you don’t have to worry about it not being done later. Having this discipline is what keeps him together while he takes care of everyone and it’ll help him take care of himself and others in a few short years.

He doesn’t like to think about his past, but he’s almost forced to when he spots a familiar face that looks like his own in the local grocer. Seeing him happens every couple months, it’s bound to because Harry hasn’t moved far from home, when he wishes he could afford to so he doesn’t have to deal with the man that’s on the other side of the store. Always stays out of sight, not necessarily in fear that his father will lash out on him for leaving. The lecturing he could deal with. Asking him why the hell he couldn’t stay and be there, especially for his mother. Harry can’t bear to see the possible disappointment and worn look that he may give him. His poor mother! He hasn't heard from her since the day Minnie passed. Can’t remember the sound of her voice if his life depended on it. Hasn’t received letters despite the fact that he gave them his address, and nobody visited either. At this point it’s obvious to him that his parents might not want to speak to him again. He can understand where they’re coming from, their eldest abandoning them to live a life he wasn’t certain of, no idea where he was taking himself.

He’s so lost in his thoughts about everything he went through just two years ago that he’d zoned out in the middle of the grocer. He didn’t even feel the tap on his shoulder from the man behind him saying his name, “Harry?” As quick as hearing the word come out of his father's mouth, he snapped out of his trance and froze, not knowing what to do he just stayed where he was. It was quiet and weak but he heard it, “H-Harry, just know that we miss you, son. Devastated without you.”

It took every ounce of strength that man had to spill his thoughts in a public place, even if it was brief. Harry knew that because his father wasn’t the type to let anyone know how he was feeling. Even when Minnie died, he didn’t shed a tear. He did, however, started to drink more than usual, got angry more often. That’s what sticks out the most when thinking about his father, how that emotion resembled him in Harry’s mind. Sometimes he wonders what his childhood and his relationship with the man who raised him would’ve looked like had there been proper emotional projection. Perhaps the man was suffering his own battles that the world didn’t know about.

When he turned around he was faced with empty space, no trace of his father. With tears building up in his eyes Harry frantically looks around the small store and through the very few isles it did have, nothing. He had forgotten what he went there for to begin with, but leaving he was determined to find him. For an old man he had walked fast, fast enough that Harry couldn’t see him anywhere down both ends of the road. So he was left standing in the brisk air, thinking to himself that he should’ve said something, anything. If he wasn’t too damn scared to turn around maybe he’d be on his way to his old home talking with his father. All the if’s and the could-have-been’s chase each other in circles in his mind. Time was uncertain and he knew that, fucking knew that the time he had at home was uncertain and the military was unapologetic, taking no requests.

All train of thought was lost, facial expression was droopy and vacant. Eventually finding his way back to his apartment which was a few blocks over, not even remembering how he had gotten himself home, not able to feel himself shift his weight going up the stairs and moving his hands to unlock his door. Making his way toward his small spring mattress which killed his back, letting himself fall onto it and just staring at the ceiling blankly. Eventually he came to his senses, thinking clearly about what he had to do with the time he had left.

So for now, he had gotten himself ready for the evening, lounging around his home in his briefs. Making himself a cup of coffee because for whatever reason it eases him into a more relaxed state before bed. Looking out his window in the kitchen at the sunset that showcased itself before his eyes. How wonderful he thought it was. Always admiring the universe's work to bless him with such beauty. The dark pinks and purples and blues soothes him, reminding him that whatever he was feeling would come to pass. The colors of twilight gives him hope for a better tomorrow.

—

Today is Saturday and there is no reason to get up so early in the morning but Harry is up by dawn, his circadian rhythm is inevitably set like this due to working on his father's farm. He hasn’t found anything to delay his awakening at such specific hours, though he might know something, or rather, someone who could keep him from rising. There’s been a woman in the building he’s had his eyes on. She just moved in about a year ago, and once he’d laid eyes on her there was no changing his mind; she was beauty and every bit of her embodied the word. No one’s caught Harry’s fancy since.

As much as he would’ve liked to see her today, there were more important matters he had to settle. Making his way to his old home was further by foot, about an hour's worth of walking, but once Harry had reached the front porch the Sun was almost at its highest point. Around lunchtime was when they’d always sit out in the grass and bask in the warmth, of course in the months when the Earth provided such heat. Always ate whatever mother made for lunch, then everybody would be so full they’d have a nap. Every Saturday afternoon, like clockwork, a time where everything was still and peaceful. Something Harry was grateful for, to have those tender moments with his parents.

Just as he was about to knock on the door he once knew to be his own, opened as if the universe was telling him he had no right asking permission to enter the place he was born. His father was standing before him, with a surprised but hopeful look washed over his features. “Hello, Father. I, uh, I wanted to apologize for the way I kept my back towards you yesterday. Please forgive me for being too coward to face you…” Harry could barely look him in the eye because he was ashamed, not much so for the events that transpired the day earlier, but for leaving his parents with nothing years ago.

“Let's sit and talk Harry, Mum’s made lunch. Help me bring everything to the lawn.” His father nods in the direction of the kitchen which is almost immediately to the left as you enter the house. He’d never thought his heart could race any faster than it is at this moment. The nerves taking over him as they did when he heard his father’s voice for the first time since he was eighteen. Walking cautiously for he didn’t want to startle his mother, but only to be met with an empty kitchen with the food still steaming on the stove.

“She’s not been partaking in tradition for quite some time, recently she’s been getting out of bed to make meals but barely eats herself.” A look of devastation looms over the man's face as he puts mashed potatoes, chicken, and carrots on both of their plates. Harry can’t bring himself to speak just yet, but he gives his father a shy look as if asking permission to grab the picnic blanket from the wardrobe in the hallway outside of the kitchen. He’s met with a nod and swiftly makes his way and once he’s closing the door he follows his father out to the front lawn under their massive pine tree.

—

Silence. Absolutely quiet while the pair ate, not even a glimpse was shared until both meals were finished. “You know, these little dates of ours were the ones I cherished the most while you were growing up.” Another pause while he looked up at the sky with bliss in his eyes and a smile grew on his face while looking at his son, but as quickly those emotions came, they went. Replaced with sorrow. “I was a prick most days, telling you what to do, how to do it, and when I expected it to be done. Stripping you away from your youth. Making you do the work of a man on a farm far bigger than the two of us could handle.”

“Dad, you couldn’t have possibly tended to all the cattle by yourself—”

“That might be so, Harry, and I knew what I was getting myself into to provide for my family. If I would’ve known that this — this war was going to happen I would’ve done anything in my power to let you be young. And now there’s a chance that your name will be drawn out of a hat that the government threw you in, it’s devastating.

To know that I spent your youth being the kind of father I was, so harsh on you, not letting myself show you all the love I could have. Sickens me.” He sniffles and a tear runs down his face, voice shaking, “All of the times I yelled at you for missing small things like not fixing the cattle’s meals right or not waking up early enough, even yelled at you for simply falling asleep in the middle of the day when most of your chores were finished…”

Surely this wasn’t the same man Harry knew before he left. As always he was lost for words, just looking at this slightly older version of his father. His own eyes watering at the words he wouldn’t have guessed would come from his mouth. There was always an unspoken bond between the two, they both were stubborn but knew there was always love. But hearing it, shit, hearing his innermost thoughts gave Harry an overwhelming feeling of warmth.

“Dad, I-I, you were exactly how you were supposed to be with me, it wasn’t pleasant all the time and I don’t think it’s like that with any family, but you raised me the best you knew how. Your roughness has taught me to be a hardworking and determined man, so don’t think for a second that how you brought me up was less than.”

“But let me tell you son, as plain as day and as plain as the nose on your face, you are the best god damned thing I could ever make and bring into this world. You are what I wish I could be and everything I  never was able to become. You are a light that brightens the darkest of nights. And...” He pauses, making sure that he’s looking Harry in the eyes like his life depended on it, “and I don’t want to see the war dim that. I have no idea what’s going to happen to you out there…”

When the Sun started to make its way to the west, that’s when Harry had to cut things short with his father. He helped bring in the blankets and plates into the house. He felt obligated to wash all of the dishes and put the food away properly and didn’t let his old man touch a single thing. Disappointed though, he couldn’t see his mother, but he also doubted himself, what if she didn’t want to see him? Was that why she hadn’t come out of her room? Even though his father did tell him she kept to herself in her own little world. Did she know he was here? Or would it be too hard for her to see him and that’s why he couldn’t force himself to face her?

Harry hugged and kissed his father before he left. He told Harry that it meant more than words could describe that he came and spent time with him, and that they should make it tradition again. To keep this up as long as time permitted it. He’d love that, very much so. Yeah, that would be perfect.  

They’d had a surprisingly wonderful conversation, talking in general made both of them happy but it’s difficult to tell who enjoyed it more. After the talk of what the possibility of going to war looked like, they switched the conversation to how well they were doing in life. Harry mentioned that he was working as a tailor and how he liked his apartment building but left out the fact that he was talking to a woman that lived a few doors down. While his father talked about how it’s almost been quite the same after two years. Talked about how his parents have to start preparing to save their rations since there’s such a shortage of provisions, and how they don’t make enough money to afford everything that they need, so they’ve kept, mainly his father, what they could spare to keep this Saturday tradition alive. During the week their meals have been small, mostly consisting of potatoes, soup, and homemade bread.

Harry made a mental note to help them out any way he could, he’ll go shopping soon to make sure that his parents were well cared for. Now, now that he knew that he wasn’t in hot water with at least one of them, he would make sure that he visited every week.

—

By the time Harry reached his home the Sun was just beginning to set, though it was still a bit chilly to stay outside he watched as the light slowly faded on his side of the Earth. Wishing he could be in two places at once to simultaneously watch this miraculous planet set and rise on the horizon. To see that would be gorgeous, breathtaking. And while he was basking in the fading brightness, he couldn’t help but feeling like he was being watched. He knew who it was and it was the warmth he felt from her and not the disappearing Sun that wasn’t radiating any sort of heat anymore.

There was no reason to look up at her window, he knew that he’d see her. And there was definitely no reason to knock at her door this late at night because she’s stubborn and wouldn’t answer it even if he was on his knees begging her to see him. She made him wait and it’s been that way since she moved in, though they weren’t exclusive, Harry would wait an unholy amount of time for her. No matter how long.

As he was closing his door, tired from the walk home and eyes heavy, he heard the all too familiar creek of a door from a few feet away. Suddenly he was wide awake and peering out to his left to be greeted by a smiling face peeking out from her apartment. “Styles, always taking in the glory the universe provides for us.”

Wow, she, wow. His last name on her tongue was what brought him to life. How could she be everything he ever needed even though he hasn’t felt anything like this for someone? Was he too head over heels for a woman he barely knew? Yes.

And her smile was brighter than anything he’d ever seen, not even the Sun could beat her. He didn’t even realize that he was staring longer than he should’ve, causing her to laugh, “Good to see you happier. Passed you yesterday in the stairwell and gave me no attention. You looked distant, glad to see the life in your eyes.” That was it. That was all she gave him, retreating before he could muster up anything to say.

He went to sleep with the biggest grin on his face and wished it had stayed longer.

#my originals #blufirre #blufirre original #Harry Styles #harry styles fic #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #ITFWL

[littlemessyjessi]

“Hazelnut Gelato”: Joe Mazzello Imagine: Plus Size Reader

Joe Mazzello Imagine Joe Mazzello x Reader Reader: PS Reader, Plus Size Reader

Fighting with Joe....

Your blood boiled like lava.

Your veins bulged like the roots of a tree being ripped from the ground.

Your brain fired at full speed.

"Joe!" you snapped.

"What?" he snapped right back.

Truth be told...ya'll had been at it all day.

Neither one of you knew what crawled up the other's ass but you were both ill as fuck.

And being really shitty to each other.

So when you opened the fridge to see that there was literally an empty milk jug sitting on the top shelf.....

You just fucking lost it.

You didn't even say anything.

You didn't even think.

You just snatched it out and threw it at him.

He dodged it of course.

"Hey! What the fuck?!" he said, brows drawn together over angry eyes. "You nearly hit me!"

"That was the intention, Joseph." you nearly growled.

"Um, why?" he said.

Your eye twitched as you stared at the empty milk jug.

Three.

Two.

One.

"BECAUSE YOU PUT AN EMPTY FUCKING MILK JUG BACK IN THE FRIDGE! WHO PUTS AN EMPTY JUG BACK IN THE FRIDGE?!? THROW IT AWAY! THE GARBAGE IS RIGHT THERE BESIDE IT! AND THERE'S CEREAL MILK IN THE DAMN BOWL IN THE SINK, JOSEPH! IT'S SPRINGTIME MOTHER FUCKER! THE ANTS WILL BE EVERYWHERE! AND IT HURTS MY FUCKING FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE.  YOU JUST LEAVE SHIT OUT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT'LL DRIVE ME NUTS AND I'LL CLEAN IT UP BECAUSE MY FUCKING ANXIETY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND.  AND IT'S NOT FAIR. I'M YOUR PARTNER NOT YOUR MAID AND YOU DON'T CARE!"

Your chest was heaving when you finished!

And you were crying.

Of course.

Because this is what you did.  

You'd rather just avoid conflict and not saying anything and then it all builds up...and you break down.

Joe just stared at you which made you feel worse.

Your shoulders sagged and your eyes filled with tears again before turning around.

He reached out to grab you, to talk to you- but you just jerked your arm away.

"Just leave me alone."

You grabbed your keys and left.

You ended up taking the back way so he couldn't see where you were going if he decided to look out the window.

And you just walked.

Your phone rang and rang until you turned it off and just kept going.

You made it about three blocks before you came to an Italian deli/diner that you liked.

They always had the best fresh cold cuts and homemade gelato by Nonni.

Her name was Trisola Cappolina and her father was an immigrant to this country.  

He and his brother founded Cappolina bakery in their early twenties and it's been a long standing business in the neighborhood since.

But no one called her that.  

She was just Nonni - even if she wasn't your Nonni- she was your Nonni.

She was everyone's Nonni and you'd known her since you were five years old and came into the bakery with your lemonade stand earnings to buy fresh gelato every Saturday.

So it should've been no surprise when you came through that door and set down....that you had a bowl of freshly made hazelnut gelato.

It was a staple here and no one made it like her.

You smiled a little because you know how much Joe loved it.

A pair of weathered hands, a little knotted with arthritis but still strong with years of work settled on the table in front of you.

You looked up to see Nonni- of course.

Nonni was a beautiful woman in her 70s.

Her dark hair had long since turned white and she kept it braided into a long braid that fell down her back.

Her husband, Tony, still joked about it occasionally being his way to hang on tight to his wild woman.

They were honestly the sweetest people you'd ever known and had a love story that you could only dream of.

"Tell Nonni what's wrong." she said..."And eat up.  You're getting skinny again."

You snorted, "Nonni, I am in no way, shape or form.  And I've gained five pounds since I was in here last."

But you ate anyway.

She shrugged, "Eh, that man you have likes your soft figure anyway.  I'm sure he'll appreciate some more to hold."

A sad smile pulled at your features and Nonni nodded.

"Oh, it's the man then." she said. "Tell me what's happened."

You explained the events of the day and how you felt...and how you'd blown up and run off.

She listened and then she laughed.

You were damn near offended and it showed.

"I'm sorry, honey. It's just- you sit here with this heartbroken look on your face and I get that it feels that way. " she laughed. "But do you have any idea how many fights Tony and I have had?  I literally threw a cleaver at him when I thought he'd left the clothes in the washer all day.   To be fair, it was my dress for my mother's birthday and I was pregnant with our first child but ..."

You burst into laughter at that.

"The point is that- you're gonna fight, honey." she said. "That's natural.  And honestly, it's good.  You need to be able to do that without having an end of the world experience."

You bit your lip.

"And you're not having an end of the world, kid.  I promise." she said. "You're just upset and you need to blow off some steam and have something to eat.   Give it a bit and go home and talk to him.  I know that boy.  He'll be chasing you in no time.  Have you checked your phone?"

"I turned it off because he kept calling." you shrugged, feeling a bit bad.

"Good." she laughed with a wink.  "Make him sweat.  Just teasing darling but really, just give it a bit of time.  Let him blow off some steam and you can too.  In the mean time, how long has it been since you help Dante with the pizzas?"

"Forever!" you gushed, thinking back to your high school job.  "Can I?"

"Yes, you can!" her oldest son said popping his head through the wind.  "Get an apron on, wash your hands and get in here!"

The two of you laughed and you rushed into the back.

You were having a blast like you were sixteen again, making pizzas after school and your mood actually changed so much.  

You were thinking a lot clearer and poor Dante was thanking god for your sudden arrival.

No one had been able to replace you in that department and you were slinging them out like nothing had changed and that the dinner rush didn't phase you a bit.

Soon enough, the rush passed and you helped Nonni clean up when you heard the bell.

Her youngest granddaughter, Maria, manned the counter so you didn't bother to look up.

Nonni tapped you on the shoulder and pulled you over to the door.

You peeked through and your heart just melted.

There was Joe.

The love of your life sitting there looking like a kicked puppy.

His long fingers were threaded together as his hands rested on the table and he stared at them miserably.

"Ready to forgive him?" Nonni asked and you nodded with a smile.

"There's still a bit of today's hazelnut gelato in the cooler." she said. "I hear it's the best around."

You gave her a grin and a peck to the cheek before plating it up for him.

You were quiet as you made your way to his table and set it down in front of him.

"Oh." he said not looking up. "Thanks... I guess. Did I order this? I don't even remember but I guess whatever.  You know, my girlfriend likes this.  I like it too but it's her favorite.  Oh god, I really fu-"

"I hear Nonni has the best hazelnut gelato." you said with a small smile. "Good for settling arguments, I hear."

His head snapped up and his eyes locked on you.

"Babe?" he said confused.  "What are- why- how? Babe, I'm so-"

You glanced around to see that the diner was empty except for the two of you- and the owners in the back.

You simply sat down in his lap and you could basically see his body relax at the feeling of you in his arms again.

You wrapped an arm around his shoulders while your other hand rested on his jaw, "Listen, Joe. I'm sorry."

"No, babe- I'm - " he started.

"Let me finish." you said. "I'm sorry for yelling at you.  I mean, I did mean part of what I said.   How I said it isn't exactly what I meant and I certainly didn't mean to explode.  But I should've just taken a second to tell  you instead of letting it build all day and then exploding."

He shook his head, "Baby, I - I'm so sorry.  I promise, I'll do better."

"How about we both do better and I promise not to throw a cleaver at you when you leave wet clothes in the washer?" you asked.

He looked at oddly, "What?"

"Sorry." you shrugged. "Wrong love story."

"Nonni?" he asked and you nodded.  "She and Tony do have a pretty cool one."

He leaned in and brushed his nose against yours, "But I like ours much better."

"Me too." you said before pecking his lips and standing up.  

He whined of course.

"Oh, well if you don't want to join everyone else for the nightly ritual of eating the leftovers...I'll just eat MY HOMEMADE PIZZAS by myself." you said.

"Wait...you?   What the hell, babe?!" he said shoving you out of the way and barreling into the kitchen.

"She was holding out on me!" he said and proceeded to hug everyone before shoveling food into his face.

"Maybe you should come work here again." Nonni joked. "Takes me back to that sixteen year old little nerd staring at my protegee like she was the center of his universe."

"Thanks Nonni." you said before sitting down on Joe's knee. "Also, ha, Nonni just called you a nerd."

"Worth it." he said through mouthfuls of pizza.  

Hello darlings! Hope you enjoyed this little piece and have a wonderfully awesome day!

If you wanna see more of my content just check out my blogs! @littlemessyjessi is the main blog full of fandom fictions, imagines, headcanons and sickeningly sweet fluff! Yeah, I know, lol. Barf.  But hey, I like it. @witchyweirdness is the magical blog full of witchy content And last but not least !   @monsterbaesbymamakennysaurus is my monster blog full of all kinds of monster related content! So I hope to see you there! Love, Kenny

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@pleasantdreamqueen   @becrazy–beyou –beyou

@becrazy-beweird

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Love, Kenny

#joe mazzello #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello x ps reader #joe mazzello x plus size reader #joe mazzello imagine #plus size reader #ps reader #reader #x reader #reader insert #littlemessyjessi #kennysaurus

[bodyswapmischief]

The Promotion

- Hey are you there ... did you get the file.

- Yeah, I just looked over it this morning.

- And...

- Well, these doctor records show that you have become fat enough ... overachiever lol, but send a picture so I can see if you look fat enough.

- WTF dude. You just told me to get fat. Never said anything about looking fat "ENOUGH." If you don't hold up your end...

*Picture Sent*

-Damn what happened to you ;) lol. You don't have anything to worry about, your size is just right. Well, I guess you could always get bigger. More money in it for you.

And I wouldn't be making threats to anyone, with that massive gut. Might get a heart attack. You aren't getting any younger lol. Plus, I can ran circles around your fat ass lmao. See you at work tomorrow, and wear something sexy.

- Fuck you, I'm not your new sexy toy and I'm not even gay.

- Don't worry give it some time. I like playing the long game. And I'm serious, be careful about your stress; I don't want you dying on me ;)

After the phone call, I threw myself on the bed. It creaked with the massive weight that just suddenly hit it. Oh shit I forgot; I need to be more gentle, I thought to myself. Looking down all I could see was my massive gut. I felt blood move quickly through my veins and my heart beating fast. Still worked up from those text from my boss. What the hell did I do to myself? Was it all worth it?

It's been a little before a year since this journey has began. If you could believe it, I was at peak fitness. My arms were massive, with muscle. I didn't have this gut, jiggling with every step I took. No, I had abs that anyone would kill for. My legs were powerful. Now they used what ever power is left to carry my fat ass.

I worked for a big company, for about ten years. I started when I was in my mid 20's. Yeah I would get pay raises, but I wanted more. I wanted to move up in the company. I've seen coworkers move up. Mostly women. A few men. And those men all ended up fat. I always told myself, I wouldn't let that happen to me. But, I know better now. I know the deal they made.

To put it simply someone had a heart attack and a position opened up. I saw my opportunity and went into my boss's office demanding that promotion. He was a man in his late 50's but was incredibly fit. If you didn't know better, you might mistake him for being in his mid 40's. However impressive his body was, mine was greater. His aging body required more work and focus. Something running a busy life doesn't leave you. Maybe if he was younger, he would have a body the rivaled mine.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Close the door, so we can continue this conversation," he said. I explained all the reasons I was qualified for the promotion. But. I could tell he wasn't paying attention to my words. He eyes were focusing on my body. He had lust and rage in his eye.

"Okay, I heard enough" he finally interrupted. "Let me tell you the truth...I'm jealous of you. Why do you think you haven't been promoted in the 10 years you have been working here. You are probably one of the best employees, and it is because of all that charisma and fucking hot body. I hate you ... but, I love you. That's why I just give you enough to want to stay. Every year I wait, for you to slip up and let your self go. But, no you keep getting more fucking ripped and hot. How is that even possible? Where do you find the time?"

I just sat there dumb founded. My boss's voice ringing through my ears. A mixture of trying to convince me of something and yelling. I never heard him talk like this. I finally cut in "What the fuck is all this about."

He stops and pulls himself together. "Well right now, I realized you are the perfect man for the promotion. My new right hand man. But, I need to tell you. I have a fetish. I love watching men that are fit, healthy, and younger than me let themselves go. I like to see them get fat. This is the one condition for your promotion."

"Your fucking sick. What the hell is wrong with you. I can go to HR right know!" I responded.

"Yes you can. And, I will probably lose everything or for every pound you gain you get this added to your yearly earnings..." He stops and starts writing something on a slip of paper. He hands it to me.10,000 dollars. He continues, "And the minimum weight I want you you to gain is 50 pounds. So, you would be making half a million dollars every year."

I stood there in shock. My mind weighing all the options. I could quit and be stuck with no job. Get my boss fired and lose out on this deal. Or be rich, save up money for a few years and then quit. And, lose the weight I would gain. "Okay, I'll do it."

My boss smile and brought out a scale. I went on and it would read 187 pounds for the last time. I signed the paper work and he explained that to start off I would go on a 6 month cruise. To help me fatten up. And so I went along with it. I showed up with my bags packed. I even bought myself some bigger clothes, for my expected weight gain. I noticed my ticket was different. Printed on blue paper, and when I got to the front it was clear I was a "special guest." The staff brought me straight to the medical room.

I waited for a while. Then finally a doctor and nurse entered the room. The nurse was pushing a tray with a syringe filled with blue liquid. "Mr. Fuller?" The doctor asked. "Yes I respond." The doctor nods and ask me to take off my shirt. He sees my muscled up body and shakes his head, in pity. "And are you sure you want to do this?" I nod. He sighs, "I guess if I was offered that deal too, I would have a hard time turning it down." He grabs the syringe and brings it closer to my arm.

"Wait was is that for." I motioned to the syringe. "Weren't you told what was going to happen." The doctor asked quickly pulling the syringe away. "Yeah? My boss wants me to get fat." I responded. "Damn, he always pulls this shit. Nurse get Mr. Sterling on the phone." He says before turning his attention on to me. "And how do you think that is going to happen?" He asked. “By coming on this cruise and eating?"

The doctor shakes his head ... "That is only part of it. Based on those abs ..." he begins to rub and examine parts of my body " this body is going to need help to gain weight. See, we are not going to be baby sitting you making sure you get fat. This is all on you and how much work you put in.Your stomach is not use to eating beyond its limits. Also based on your body, you are not one to just sit and relax. So any work you do in trying to gain weight will just be worked off. Also, there is the requirement of having to maintain a 50 pound weight gain. Just .01 pounds off at any moment and the contract can be void. So this shot will help with all of that. It will make you hungry. When you are full it will be less painful. It will help your stomach stretch, it will make you slightly lazier. But, with the cost that any weight you gain will be permanent. All these symptoms will be removed after the trip, when we give you the antidote, but like I said any weight gain prior to the antidote will be permanent."

"Doctor Mr. Sterling is on the phone." The nurse chimed in. "You think about everything I said." The doctors said as he left the room. I could hear him yelling at the phone. "You fucker! You brought me another ill informed client ..."

His voice zoned out ... as I weighed this new information given to me. I signed the paper ... all that money is just one shot away. But, is fifty permanent pounds worth it. I would be 230 pounds. With all that money I would be making ... would I even care about being 50 pounds heavier. I mean I am getting older ... I wasn't going to be fit my whole life. The doctor came back in.

"I'm ready." I said. He looked at me and halfheartedly gave me the shot. "If it ever seems to much for you we can stop at any time. I will give you the antidote early. If you want you can come in for monthly weigh-ins. And I will give you the antidote when you hit the 50 pounds you need to meet the requirements, so you don't gain any unnecessary permanent weight."

The first month went on. I Stuffed my face eating everything I never let myself eat, before. I was always eating, always had a snack bag. I did try to stay active. Swimming, running, and using the gym. But each day, my body would be able to do less.

(I would spend hours every day at gym. Now I could barely do 3 hrs a week. I know I am never going to lose this weight, but I just like the way I feel after working out. It reminds me of who I use to be. I did have to leave my old gym. First because a lot of people knew me. I would always have to answer a million questions about my weight gain. They would also give me the pity: well just keep working out you'll have your body back in no time. But, I could never tell them the truth. Secondly, the the gym was more for hardcore people. So, I would always get disgusted looks. The last straw was when I was using a treadmill mill and some asshole came up and said "are you done yet fatty you,re wasting my time. Stop hogging the treadmill, that gut isn’t going anywhere anytime soon." Luckily I did find a fat friendly gym)

By the end of the first month I gained 10 pounds and had a panic attack. Did I really want to do this? I felt depressed. I realized these weigh ins were not good for my mental health. I told this to the the doctor and he was understanding, but still wanted me to come in. However, I didn't go back until the trip ended.

I spent months eating, sleeping, laying around, and watching TV. I also tried exercising, to no effect, when I had the energy. By the end the biggest clothes I bought were tight and barely able to cover my body. I couldn't fit into my underwear. I kept my pants unbuttoned. My shirt hugged every new fat curve of my body. Every thing was skin tight. I went back to the doctor and he weighed me. I told him I didn't want to know. The damage was done no matter what. He gave me the antidote. And I went home, on a Sunday. I climbed on my scale and it read 270. I felt my heart sink. I gained 83 pound. 33 more than I needed. And to be honest, I cried the rest of the day. Mourning my old life and getting use to my new one.

The next day, I called up the office. My boss told me to use the next 3 months to become adjusted to my new life. He saw my paper work from the doctor and gave me the full years check. 630,000 dollars. At the end of the 3 months I would need to send an update from a doctor he recommended, a new doctor that would understand my case.

So, I did what he suggested. I went out in public. I bought myself new clothes. Joined a new gym, knowing I will never lose this weight. I was able to gain some new confidence in this body. The trip to the doctor was a new experience. He explained to me that this weight I have gained had real side effects on my body. It turns out 1% of users gain health problems. I was one of them. My cholesterol levels raised, but with constant exercising and eating right I can reduce them. But, I learned I now have permanent high blood pressure.

The doctor continued to squeeze my fat and I got new sensations I never felt before. I did numerous test. A Stress test where I ran on a treadmill. Unluckily, it was in front of a mirror and I saw how ridiculous I looked running.

I will have to watch what I eat. Which is okay, after the antidote shot my appetite returned to normal. But it sucks having having a fat body with out the benefits of being able to eat whatever I want. I will live the rest of my life as a healthy person living in a fat person's body.

Now, I am just laying here, waiting to see what happens tomorrow. And, thinking of all the money I will be making. Was it worth? I guess time will tell.

#body #swap #male #weight #gain #transformation #story #stories #tf #mischief #bodyswapmischief #thepromotion #theinterview

[themaddesthatter18]

A bit of a rant:

Something no one talks about with chronic illness is how much you have to sacrifice. I feel like I’m being strangled by weeds and watching as slowly but surely my chronic pain and fatigue rip away all of the things I love. I love having a goat so much and being around animals brings me so much joy but every single day it gets harder and harder. It’s gotten to the point where I went from cleaning my goat’s pen twice a day everyday to going over a week without cleaning it because I physically can’t. I hate having to admit that. I hate that I can’t do things the way I used to be able to. I hate that I have to rely on other people to help me with things that are supposed to be my responsibility. It’s my goat. I should be the one giving him exercise. I should be the one cleaning up after him but I can’t and I’m afraid that I will have to give up what I love doing so much because it fills me with too much guilt and causes me too much pain. I want to be able to give all my effort into my goat and training him for shows but I don’t think my body can handle it and it sucks. I feel trapped. I don’t want to give up and let my disability win over me but I’m not sure I can do this anymore. It’s not fair to myself. It’s not fair to my parents. And it’s not fair to my goat. I just don’t know what to do honestly and I’m feeling very torn. I just needed to share my thoughts and put them out loud, this may not even make sense and I’m probably just overreacting. I know I could just ask for help but it’s not that easy. I have crippling anxiety and a massive fear of rejection. I don’t like having to rely on others due to my trust issues. I know it’s no excuse but it makes getting help for my illness so much harder. I already have to deal with jumping through hoops and a busy schedule that makes it incredibly hard to make doctors appointments and get the results that I do desperately need. I went to the cardiologist 3 weeks ago and I still have not heard back from my doctor about the results of my echocardiogram and stress test despite him telling me that he would call later that day. To make things even more difficult I’m still a minor so I can’t make my own appointments or handle my own care I have to go through my parents in order to get to my doctors. Also to make things even worse I’m pretty sure I’m going blind again. So if you don’t already know I developed cataracts in both eyes at the age of 15 and was legally blind for a while. I got surgery to remove them and although you cannot ever get cataracts again once you have them removed, you can develop something called secondary cataract which is where a thin membrane in front of your implant lens can become cloudy and it is very similar to the symptoms of cataracts and over the past few months I have been noticing halos around lights, decreased depth perception (which I already don’t have a lot of but I’ve been running into things and falling down a lot more lately), decreased vision at night, I have trouble seeing even with my glasses on, and I am having trouble making out people’s faces. I am unable to see my ophthalmologist right now because her office hours are very weird and she is not located close to me so I am unable to confirm this for sure. Luckily if I actually do have secondary cataract I will not need surgery again, I will just have a laser procedure(which I’ve had before it’s not terrible just really weird). Sorry this is so long and probably doesn’t make any sense but I’ve had this on my chest for awhile and haven’t really been able to tell anyone because my friends have been busy lately. I know that I don’t have many followers here and honestly I don’t expect anyone to actually read this lol but I simply needed to vent for my own sanity.

#vent #personal #personal rant #rant #disability #chronic pain #chronic illness #spoonie #mental illness #safe to reblog #i got cataracts at the age of 15 #the harsh reality of disability #health #physical health #im sad but i think ill be okay