#(had this thought at 5 am as is when i usually start experiencing brain activity)

[undefeatablesin]

Me: I finished all these ref sheets for my hunter how fortunate for m-

Also me: but.....what if I made them...more outfits :)

#sin speaking #(had this thought at 5 am as is when i usually start experiencing brain activity) #(i had a DEEP thonk.......because the ng+ mechanic in bloodborne made me thonk) #(and i kind of like the concept of a hunter that cant actually leave the dream even if gehrman tries to release them) #(that maybe indeed the moon presence is who dictates who can and cant leave the dream ultimately including hunters in it) #(and this hunter has proven a little too valuable in their abilities to release hence their tie to the dream remains) #(so tldr i want ruza to be one such hunter who gets stuck in the cycle and cant actually leave lmao) #(and therefore her appearance and such changes during each cycle) #(outfit and weapons wise at least lmao and maybe scars-wise) #(I A L S O....had a self indulgent thonk about how paleblood hunters are somehow marked by the moon presence to signify them as such) #(which is why ruza has one strangely blue eye that was meant to mimic the moon) #(but i wasnt sure if that was too cliche or anime to make canon to my story alfldldlfl) #(but since the game loves eyes it felt appropriate 2 me HMPH) #(sin experiences a Thought: the novel)

[chocolatecakecas]

Honesty: Season 13 Destiel Fic Part 8

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6  Part 7 Part 9 Part 10

or read on ao3

There's a scream.

Dean bolts from his room, feet pounding as he goes. He sees another figure in the dim glow of the hall.

Their eyes meet, hesitating for a moment, before entering the room and stopping in front of the crib.

Dean' vision fills with a tiny body, writhing uncomfortably, as wails force their way from his throat.

Fear drops, hard, in the pit of Dean's stomach.

Without a moments hesitation, he's bouncing Jack in his arms, attempting to sooth him.

His eyes dart to the clock on the wall. 4:56am. That can't be right, Jack has only been having the one bottle at 2:30 am, now. He has been for weeks. And even, then he's never-

(read the rest under the cut)

Jack's wails echo off the walls.

Dean finds Cas' eyes in the dark.

He's staring at Jack in shock, and hurriedly glances up at Dean, eyes swimming with terror and uncertainty.

Right. Even though he's been back for months, Cas has never had to raise a baby before, and he's gotten used to the routine with no unexpected surprises. Dean's terrified, but he can't image what Cas is feeling.

So Dean moves. Check the obvious first.

He crosses to the changing table, quickly disposing of Jack's diaper. Cas follows.

Dean sighs when it does nothing to quiet the kid's screams.

It wasn't the diaper, he definitely isn't hungry.

Was it a nightmar-wait can babies even get nightmar-

Focus Winchester. What could it b-of course, why didn't he think of this first?

It's because you're shit at this, his mind easily supplies.

A cold feeling washes over him.

God, could he be more stu-

"Dean"? Cas calls desperately, ripping him from his thoughts.

Dean quickly recovers, and places his hand on Jack's forehead.

He's warm, but is he actually warmer than usual?

Dean tries to get his brain to recall how Jack's normal body temperature feels, but he's drawing a complete blank.

Fuck

Dean feels the fear twist again as it crawls its way up his throat.

It washes over him in waves, but he can't do anything to stop it.

He has no idea what to do.

He's standing with a child wailing against his chest, a child who's life depends on Dean's ability to know what to do. And Cas is looking at him, terrified, waiting on Dean for instruction.

Dean suddenly can't control his breathing.

He's powerless.

Tears threaten to spill from his eyes and h-

"-Dean? Was his forehead warm? Did he have a fever"? Cas asks anxiously as he braces a hand on Dean's shoulder, searching his face for answers.

The warmth of Cas' palm pulls him back to reality.

Cas always knows what he nee-no now's not the time.

Dean swallows.

"No-well I mean I don't think he feels warmer than normal-at least as far as I can tell? But there's a thermom-"

"-oh wait, there's no there's no need-here let me" Cas trails off, as if he surprised himself and carefully takes Jack from Dean's arms.

He watches as he softly places his hand on Jack's forehead.

Then it hits him

Angel. Duh

He can read Jack's actual temperature with his palm, or figure out what's wrong with the touch of his fingers.

And they're both standing here like idiots, paralyzed by fear, when Cas is a friggin angel.

But in his defense, the kid has got him out of his scared out of his mind.

Dean trails his gaze up to Cas' face, watching his eyes closed in concentration, waiting for his mojo to do it's thing.

Sometimes, Dean forgets what Cas really is. Of course he knows that he's an angel, but like-he's Cas.

Yes, he's a badass, who's millions of years old, and could kill someone with the tap of his finger, Dean's well aware.

But when he's standing in front of you in a rumpled, purple sweater, a pair of sweatpants and his dorky bee pun socks, of all things, it's kinda hard not to forget.

Cas is just so human now. This change has been slowly happening over the years, but ever since he got back it's like the Cas he first stabbed in that barn, doesn't exist anymore.

Which isn't a bad thing at all, it just makes everything a little more confusing.

Which is why he's kinda been avoiding him ever sin-

What the hell is he doing? He needs to focus on Jack, what if h-

"His temperature is 101.1 I've read that babies his age can have a resting temperature as high as 100.3, but since he's only half human?" Cas' voice startles him out of his thoughts.

Jack is still wailing in his arms, as Cas bounces him from side to side. He's looking at Dean expectantly, waiting for his input. Dean can still see the worry clear on his features.

Taking a deep breath, he regains some control of his breathing.

Just a little fever. This, Dean can handle.

"Yeah that's a little high. We should change him into something lighter, see if that cools him down a bit? Then if not we can give him some baby Motrin, and go from there?” Dean suggests.

Then they're both moving. Cas placing Jack on the changing table, while Dean grabs some lighter pjs from the dresser.

Dean hovers as Cas, expertly switches out Jack clothes. He murmurs to Jack in his signature low, rumbling tone, and manages to get to calm him a bit.

Cas is getting good at this. It's like it's second nature to him now. He really has become an amazing Dad. In fact, he's so damn good with Jack, it makes Dean's stomach flip every time Cas pulls a laugh from him or manages to sing him back to sleep.

He watches as Cas slowly rocks Jack in his arms, humming under his breath.

And Dean is sent spiraling as soon as he recognizes the tune.

Lullabye.

By Billy Joel.

And yeah of course he's heard Cas sing this to Jack hundreds of times before, he does this every night, but Dean hasn't been around to hear it since that morning. Before he listened.

The morning they haven't spoken about at all. Cas never asked, and Dean-well Dean didn't exactly bring it up.

But now he's singing Billy fucking Joel, right in front of him.

And if Dean thought he was freaking out before, it's nothing compared to the crisis he's currently having.

It's not like he's actively been avoiding the subject, he jus--

"Oh" Cas gasps, pausing Dean's spiral.

His eyes instantly find their way back to Cas.

Cas has stopped in his tracks, peering down at Jack's now sniffling face.

Then he presses a soft kiss to his forehead, smiling to himself as he pulls away.

Jack's sniffling stops as Cas looks back at Dean with a soft smile.

"I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I could have just taken away his fever with my grace, but I guess fear got the better of me".

Mojo, of course. Why the hell didn't either of them think of healing Jack, especially since they already both had the "duh angel" moment 10 minutes ago.

God this kids really gonna be the death of them, turing them into complete idiots only 8 months in.

"You and me both pal" Dean manages to respond with a strained laugh.

As soon as they’re sure Jack is asleep, they stand for a moment, hovering over the crib.

Dean pretends not to notice the way his heart races when Cas' arm brushes against his.

"Well looks like we can write about the kid's first fever in the baby book now, and about how it turned us into a couple of morons" Dean whispers in an attempt at a joke.

Beside him Cas hums in agreement with a soft chuckle, and they both head out of Jack's room.

Dean needs some water, or better yet, some coffee. He's definitely not sleeping after the heart attack he just had.

As he makes his way to the kitchen, he notices Cas is following.

Something drops low in the pit of Dean's stomach.

Again, it's not like he has been completely avoiding Cas since that morning. They still hang out during the day, take care of Jack together, talk during the odd hours of the night, and they even have movie nights on Thursdays.

But it's different now. It's quieter, and there's an awkwardness to it that they both refuse to address.

It's like there's always something looming over them, just waiting to crush them.

And it's not like Dean doesn't want to talk about it, of course he does, but he just can't, he's not ready.

As he starts up the coffee maker, Cas drops into his usual seat, picking up his book where he left off. His head is resting in the palm of his hand, as he lazily flips through the pages, foot bouncing absentmindedly.

Looking just so completely human.

Which is the other issue.

Cas has always been a wildcard when it comes to emotions, and it's not like they ever sat down and had a conversation about what he does and doesn't feel.

So Dean always just assumed he experienced emotions, but like, subdued. Like Cas knew what he was feeling, he could name the feeling, but it didn't emotionally affect or sway him the way it did with humans.

And now Dean has no idea what to think, because he's sitting in the kitchen looking like he's been a functioning human being his entire life, and not a celestial warrior of God.

Which just makes everything harder, he just doesn't know what to do.

Dean pours his cup with a trembling hand, then with a heavy sigh, he grips the counter tightly, grounding himself.

Because Dean heard that mixtape.

He listened to it twice that morning, and he's lost count of how many times since.

He's memorized the songs, he's analyzed every lyric. It's all he's thought about every single day for two weeks.

And he knows what he heard.

His breathing quickens as anxiety washes over him, and he once again does nothing to stop it.

Which means that Cas understood the intention behind giving a mixtape.

Which means he understood the meaning behind the tape Dean had given him over a year ago.

He knows that Cas knows. He knows that's why Cas gave him one in return.

And logically, Dean knows he's right about all of this, but there's a part of him that still doesn't believe it's true.

Part of him still thinks he's just overthinking it. That Cas just gave it to him as a nice gesture and the songs had no deeper meaning behind them.

Because Dean can't let himself want Cas, and he can't hope that Cas might want him.

He knows he isn't worthy of him, that Cas deserves so much better. That he would just be a disappointment, and he'd screw everything up.

Because why would Cas ever want, a fuck up like hi-

"-Dean, are you alright" Cas' voice rips through his thoughts.

Dean swallows and dares a glance up.

He's met with wild hair, that stupid head tilt, and wide blue eyes, swimming with concern.

Cas

Dean's stomach flips and suddenly his mouth is moving before he can stop it.

"Cas I've gotta talk to you"

Cas tenses, hands clenching into fists, as the concern on his features is replaced with fear.

Great, one second in he's already fucked up.

Dean peers down as if his socked feet are the most interesting thing in the world, while trying to tame his increasing anxiety.

He takes a shuttering breath.

"I-I listened to the tape...." he trails off, mouth suddenly dry. He sneaks a glance up, to gage Cas' reaction.

And Cas goes white as a sheet, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Ye-yeah, I uh, liked it" Dean lamely tacks on, mentally cursing himself ("I liked it", seriously Winchester? That's what you went with?)

He watches as Cas' face goes through twelve different emotions, until landing on one Dean can't decipher.

"Oh.....well I'm glad you enjoyed it" Cas chokes out.

And in that moment, Dean doesn't know what comes over him. Maybe it's the way Cas looked at him, maybe it's the lingering adrenaline from Jack's fever scare, or maybe it's his complete lack of sleep.

But suddenly he's pacing around the kitchen, unable to shut up

"Yeah- I uh, well I actually listened to it a couple time-well more than a couple. I stopped keeping track after twenty"

He braves another glance at Cas who's frozen in fear at the table, so Dean continues before he loses his nerve. Hands flying, pointedly facing away from Cas.

"And I couldn't help but um, notice that a lot of the songs had a common theme? And I just never thou-"

"-Dean" Cas tries to interject, but Dean keeps going.

"-when I-when I gave you that mixtape last year, I never thought that you understo-and now you just gave me one, with all those songs and I can't help but think that you-that you might-that those songs might-I think you chose them for a reason-a specific reaso-"

"-Dean"

"-the same reason I di-and if I'm wrong then-fuck man, you can smite me right here, right now if I'm wrong-which I probably am. I'm probably just overthinking this whole thing and making myself look like an idiot. I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing, like I alwa- "

"Dean, you're right"

"-always do, like I'm doing right now actually, acting like a dumba-"

Dean stalls, words catching in his throat.

Wait did Cas jus-no he must have heard him wr-

"Dean, you're right" Cas repeats behind him, voice trembling.

Dean's back is to him, as he grips the cool metal of the kitchen island again, refusing to turn around.

His heart races when he hears the scrape of a chair behind him.

"You're right, about wh-about why I made that tape, with those songs. I chos-I chose them for a reason" Cas continues, voice wavering.

Dean's thoughts are buzzing around his skull, he can't fully process what Cas' words.

Because Dean thinks he knows what he's trying to say.

But he can't possibly mean t-

"-I'm sorry, I-I have no idea what I was thinking. It was insane to give you that, when I know I can't-and now I've gone and ruined everything-"

Wait, he can't mean that. Dean just heard him wrong he can't hav-

But something, hope, he recognizes, pulls deep within him, and he grips the counter tighter. Maybe he did hear him right, may-.

No, Dean has to be sure first. He has to know for sure.

So Dean finds his voice.

"Cas, I-I think I know what you're trying to say bu-but I need you to say it. I need to be sure that I understand you, because I don't think I can handl-I just......." Dean trails off, voice breaking.

They stand in silence, and Dean's pretty sure Cas can hear his heart pounding against his chest.

His stomach drops, ice rushing through his veins.

Dean was wrong. 

God of course he was wrong, and now Cas hates him. He's managed to fuck up the only friendship he's ever had, all because he can't just store his crap.

But no he has to be selfish and want Cas, and fuck u-

"I love you"

Dean's brain short circuits.

No-he can't have. No Dean heard that wrong, he's just tired an-

"-I do and, again I'm sorry, I truly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I love you Dean and I can't help it-"

Oh.

And without thinking, Dean moves.

"-And I know this ruins everything especially since I know you can't- that you don't-but I'm so-"

Dean grips Cas around the waist, as he smashes their lips together, effectively cutting Cas off.

Their teeth clank and their noses bump, but Dean doesn't care.

CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas, is all his mind can supply.

Dean reluctantly pulls away, hands craddeling Cas's face, who's hands have somehow found their way around Dean's waist.

Dean stares down at him, unable to look away.

His hair is sticking up in every direction, blue eyes blown wide brimming with unspilled tears, lips parted in shock.

Cas.

"-Dean, what, why did yo..." Cas trails off, voice breaking.

And then it hits him.

Dean just kissed Cas. Dean just kissed his best friend because he said he loved him.

Cas said that he loved him. Cas loves Dean.

And Dean, loves him too.

God, he loves Cas.

"Because I do too- "Dean starts, voice breaking.

He looks into Cas' eyes, seeing the small sliver of hope behind them, and takes a shuttering breath.

"I love you. Damnit Cas, I've loved you for so long and I-"

"Me too Dean, I have for years, but I never dreamed that you- that you’d ever, return that feeling an-" Cas stops with a sob.

Dean shushes him, gently wiping some of Cas' tears away with his thumb.

He feels like he's floating. 

They’re really standing in the kitchen with Cas' hands tightly gripping the back of his shirt.

A watery laugh rips past Dean's throat.

"God what a couple of dumbasses, huh? Could have done this years ago, all that wasted time" Dean says in disbelief.

"Yes, we have been a pair of dumbasses, for years it would seem. But that's okay, because we can have it now, right?” Cas asks, uncertainty clear in his voice.

Cas still doesn’t believe this is really happening, and Dean can’t say he blames him. 

“Of course we can Cas” Dean responds with complete certainty, looking into his eyes. 

He needs Cas to know that this is what Dean wants, he needs him to understand that it’s all Dean has wanted, for years. He is not going to screw this up.

And it must have worked because Cas is practically glowing. There's tear tracks on his cheeks, but his eyes are bright and shining with pure joy, a gummy smile on his lips.

God, I love him, I really love him, Dean thinks to himself.

Of course there's a long conversation to be had, and even longer conversations to come, because nothing is ever really this simple.

But Dean can't bring himself to care, because all of his focus is on the man in front of him. The man he's loved in silence for years. The man who loves him back.

Because for the first time in his life, Dean is going to let himself want. And what he wants, is Cas.

"Well....we better get started then" Cas quips with a smile, all traces of uncertainty gone (which definitely doesn't make Dean's stomach flip).

And with that, Cas' hands make their way to his neck, as he pulls him into another kiss.

And by God, it's the best damn kiss of Dean's life.

Because it feels like home, like this is where Dean’s meant to be.

So he easily melts into Cas' touch letting the love and warmth wash over him, soaking in every bit of Cas he can get. 

And if in the morning, Sam finds them with their hands clasped across the kitchen table, as they take turns feeding Jack spoonfuls of applesauce.

Well, that's none of his business.

Tag list:

@wormstacheangel @smiledean @shelikestv @chaoticdean @midnightwings-deancas @jellydeans @sunshine-jack @archervale @wikiangela @organicpurplepants

@bbcalamity @tkdwolf2012 @doemons-blog @rolling-stoned-girl @skylerkernaghan @shadowywerewolfqueen @the-cookie-navy @martymar1963 @thelahatiel @thefantasyfiend @castielle-deanna @aestheticflyer26

@multi-fandom-imagine @x-mypeopleskillsarerusty-x @wellofwoes @becky-srs @multi-fandom-dark-lord @perfectkoaladream @castiel-for-lunch @it--hurts--to--become @bowtiesandneckerchiefs @dakiaty @feraldean @teamfreebees @keshetcas @hrh-princess-bea

(as always please let me know if you would like to be added or removed!💛)

#if it was unclear the mixtape fic WAS a part of this fic!!! and it is important to this part!!! #i literally dont know where this came from like i did not plan on doing this at all and yet... #✨​but healing grace forehead kiss✨ #look i let them be happy for once!!!(i mean they suffered in the beginning but like still happy!) #so this turned out extremely long i have no idea what happened i hope it makes sense #i started baby jack truthing and then it morphed into this and i just-well i hope you like it #destiel fic #baby!jack #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #bec writes #baby jack truthing #destiel #casdean #deancas #season 13 #dadstiel #dad!dean

[egyptsblackrose]

Dancing with Strangers

There will be one more part to this story after this then I think this story is complete. I have other projects in the works and other passions I want to devote some time to. Hope your all doing well and please enjoy.

No actual smut in this one, but reference to intimacy probably still 18+ though so minors please do not read

Part 4- https://egyptsblackrose.tumblr.com/post/652018121062989824/dancing-with-strangers-more-filth-for-this-story

Part 5-

Your senses slowly brought you out of your peaceful, heavy slumber, though your mind was not ready to open your eyes just yet. First thing you felt was comfort, soft, warm, heavy sheets keeping you safe and cozy. When you focused more, however, you realised that part of your arm that was not in your little cocoon, was radiating the kind of heat only the sunlight could bring. So it was clearly day time, maybe even afternoon. No matter, you did’t have any classes today, that was why you agreed to going out to the clubs with your friends.

Your friends… You gasped and sat up with a jolt, only to groan and hiss. Rubbing your lower stomach and back.

Oh… right… you had gone home with not just one but TWO strangers and had a THREESOME!

Your cheeks set on fire as the events of last night played out in your head. The pleasure, the desire. More had happened after they had each taken a turn with you. Kakashi had been painfully hard again watching your brains get fucked out by Gojo, so you had rolled over and sucked him off lazily, taking your time to tease. That had lead to the boys getting revenge, Satoru holding your hands hostage as he fucked your mouth, while Hatake ravaged you again, harder and more forceful till you squirted for him as well.

Then you had been carried to the shower, Kakashi tenderly, lovingly holding you bridal style in the walk in shower as Gojo massaged your entire body with wonderful smelling shower gel. Only your moans had turned the men on again. Gojo took you this time, having you pressed against the wall with him on his knees, Hatake standing and receiving another blow job from you. Kakashi had to wash your face and hair when he tried to pull out too late, but you had been quick to defend him when Satoru’s teasing went too far.

By the time you were all dried, your legs had stopped working and you could barely keep your eyes open, the sun was peaking through the curtains gently to hint as the beginning of sunrise, and you all settled into bed. Never before had you been so comfortable, resting your head against someone’s chest while being spooned from behind, wearing a really comfy large hoodie and boxer shorts for bed while the two men only wore old shorts.

But glancing around at the bed, you found your companions gone and the bed cold. Nibbling on your bottom lip in thought, you quickly did a body check. Toes were wiggling; but it took effort and there was still a little pain, your stomach felt a little uncomfortable and sore but nothing you couldn’t handle. You smelled good- to your relief- though you needed to brush your teeth immediately. Your hair felt smooth and smelled great as well, your make up had clearly been removed, your cloths were at the end of the bed; freshly washed and folded.

You had clearly been well taken care of, their after care game was obviously on par with their A game. And yet the niggling doubt set into your mind.

Why take such good care of you and then leave you alone? And there was no sounds in the whole apartment from what you could hear. Had they left? There was no note from what you could see. Maybe they’d gone out or to work and hoped you’d be gone by the time they got back. Why else leave your cloths close by, in obvious view and clean to wear. This was their hint to get out. They’d had their fun, so had you, now it was time to leave.

The thought made you a lot sadder than you would like to admit. But then again, the two men were clearly experienced, your friends had even said so last night, that’s why they encouraged you to go through with it. You were not the first girl they did this too, and chances are you weren’t the last. How many other girls out there had woken up exactly like this? With a pout and painful groan, you slipped out of bed and started getting changed on wobbly legs.

This was for the best anyway, you told yourself. They were policemen, they were successful men, there was TWO of them. And you were just a Uni student, you weren’t even half way through your final year, you had yet to successfully land an interview. You didn’t even know if you wanted to stay in Japan after you graduated, if you wanted to graduate here or go back home to your family… There was still so much you needed to figure out, you were just beginning. And successful men like that would want a successful woman, or women rather.

Once presentable, borrowing some mouth wash from the bathroom seen as you did not have your own toothbrush, you took a few deep breaths to sike yourself up. The fact that not just one, but TWO god level men had chosen you to spend the night with them meant something, even if it was short lived. THEY had picked YOU, called you beautiful, whispered sweet nothings into your ear, taken care of you. And now it would be a nice memory, and you could wear this win like a badge of honour as you leave. Just think of how many women would kill to be you.

Opening the bedroom door, your heart sank a little more at not seeing even one of the handsome men. A little part of you had hoped that maybe they were up, and that little part of you made your eyes scan the living room and kitchen desperately for a note or a sign that you hadn’t been left behind. But all you found was a clock above the cooker that read 10:20 am.

Hu… earlier than you thought, but not an unpleasant surprise.

Thankfully the door was unlock-able from the inside, but you weren’t sure about the elevator, seen as they had used a key card to activate it last night. It seemed luck was on your side, however, because pressing the down button meant the elevator was automatically called to you, opened, and a frigging bell boy was waiting with a smile and a polite nod. How rich are these guys?!

“Ground floor Miss?” The young man asked. You nodded numbly, stepping in and moved to the back of the elevator. It seemed the new face could tell you didn’t want to talk, so the journey down was gratefully a silent one as you stared at the floor. How many young women has this man escorted down and out of the building for these two men?

You frowned at yourself. Why were you so hung up on that? You had no right to the answer and no right to even ask the question. They weren’t yours. You weren’t theirs. And it didn’t even matter. But you couldn’t free yourself from the feeling of being used.

Raising your head at the ding, as soon as the doors started opening you dashed out, wanting to quickly get away from this place and move on. The quicker this…mind blowing experience became a fond memory, the better.

Following your memory from last night of being in the taxi, you knew that you had passed your street on the way, and it didn’t seem like such a long ways away. You started walking without hesitation, head down as you messaged your friends that you were on the way home. They replied excitedly, clearly wanting to talk about the events of last night, but you quickly shut them down. Miku seemed to get the hint immediately that you weren’t feeling like yourself and something was wrong, promising movies and home made goodies from her mum who was visiting.

The thought made you smile. Miku and Sakura’s parents had basically adopted you as soon as you got back to Japan, all four insisting on introducing you to as many of their friends and neighbours as possible, promising you and your worried parents that they were only a call away. Miku’s mother was particularly affectionate, a little unusual for Japanese culture, but she often cured your home sickness with gentle hugs and head pats, pinching your cheeks and promising a nice warm home cooked meal and a few wise words. And such parental affections was too good to pass up right now.

Raising your head with slightly watery eyes, you quickened your pace. Only for your wrist to be grabbed in a unyielding hold.

“Y/N!”

“Beautiful?”

The voices made to freeze, eyes widening as you slowly turned and gasped. It was them.

“Kakashi? Gojo?” Your voice was nothing but a whisper from how surprised you were.

“Baby, why are you leaving already?” Hatake asked worriedly, frown in place.

Satoru wagged a disapproving figure at you. “I thought I said we were staying in bed today to have fun.”

“But…” Swallowing thickly, you turned more towards them, wide eyed and confused. “I woke up in bed alone, you were both gone, my cloths were clean and folded beside me…I thought you wanted to me to go…”

“What?!” Gojo yelled in an exaggerated tone, quickly moving to wrap his arms around you from behind and rubbing his face into your hair. “What a silly little head our beautiful girl has Kakashi!”

“Y/N…” Hatake soothed quickly, seeing you frown at Gojo. “Baby I wasn’t there when you woke up because I left to do a little shop of things me and Gojo were out of, and also pick you up a toothbrush for when you woke up. And our idiot here wasn’t with you because I sent him to pick up some breakfast for us all. You said at the club that your favourite thing to wake up to was _____, so we thought we’d treat you. We both went so we could be back as fast as possible, we didn’t think you would wake up so soon, let alone think we wanted you to go. So imagine our surprise when we pull into our usual parking spot across the street and see a figure and outfit all to familiar walking away from us? We were worried you decided that YOU wanted to go.”

The words sunk in slowly and made your eyes water more, especially when you heard Kakashi use the term ‘OUR idiot’ when referring to Gojo. He was including you in their bond. “So… you weren’t trying to give me the hint to leave so you wouldn’t have to see me?”

“Beautiful, are you stupid?” Kakashi sent a glare to Gojo, but the other white haired male continued. “Last night was amazing, and I said that this was the beginning. Do I seem the type to lie to you beautiful? I don’t just say that to anyone, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever said it before. Me and Kakashi want to do so much more to you, with you, and not just in the bedroom…and not just sexual things either.”

The clear implication and teasing was not lost on you, making your cheeks light up a rosy pink. Hatake chuckled sweetly, stroking your cheek as he stepped a little closer. “There’s that blush we love. Y/N, I won’t lie to you. We have had one night stands before, we have had times where we either take the girl home or ask her personally to leave, but neither me or Gojo want this to be one of those times. We don’t want a one night stand with you, your different, special. We actually like you, as a person, and we’d like to see if this…if WE could be something.”

Your mouth fell open in shock. Where…where they SERIOUS? These beautiful, amazing men wanted you in their lives? “But why?”

Kakashi frowned. “Why?”

“Yeah. Why? Why me?”

Gojo chuckled, nuzzling your neck to draw your attention back to him. “Because Kakashi’s right, your different. Most women are flirty with us cause they want some fun. YOU were flirty with us cause WE were fun. You listened to us, you didn’t try to be something or someone your not, you were very real. And the real you is awesome. And we want to know that real you more.”

“Y/N,” Hatake’s hand, that was still on your wrist, moved down to take your hand, stroking the back of it soothingly. “Gojo and I have a strange relationship, we know that. We are more like brothers than friends, and there’s never been any attraction between us. But we have only ever had a functioning, healthy relationship when the two of us put in the effort. We are not perfect, but together we are. And for a long time we have looked for someone who can complete us, who can make us both happy. It’s too early to tell if that’s you, but surely even you had to feel how RIGHT everything felt last night.”

Flashes of charming smiles from the club took over your mind, how easy the flow of conversation was, how natural it felt to have both their hands on you. You had been saddened so much to think that something so good was already over. But here they were, telling you it didn’t have to be. Looking into those amazing dark grey and blue eyes of the two white haired men, you could see how they desperately did not want you to go.

“Ok… we can see where this goes. But, I want to try do this properly, and I want this to be open between the three of us.” Both men looked at each other in confusion, so you continued. “If something happened with just one of you while the other is away, I don’t want it causing fights, I also want to spend time with you, and not just doing…intimate stuff. Dates, together as a three or just as a duo, actually getting to know one another, honesty, proper communication. All of it.” You said firmly. “When I devote myself to a relationship, I do it whole heartedly, and I expect the same from my partner. Just because there’s two of you, doesn’t mean you can put in half the effort. I’m mostly looking at you Satoru.”

The blue eyed man gasped on horror, hand over his heart like it was clutching a fatal wound. “Beautiful, you think I wont treat you like a princess?”

“I don’t want to be treat like a princess.” You shot back firmly, but smiled softly. “I want you to treat me as your equal, like your friend, like your partner, because to me, that’s what a relationship is. I don’t want to be babied or spoilt, I just want to be treat fairly and honestly. And if I find out either of you cheated on me…just remember that BOTH my parents are amazing lawyers and I have another country I can easily move to.” The three of you laughed easily, smiling at each other with warm smiles as you each earliest that this was the start of something. Something beautiful.

Part 6- https://egyptsblackrose.tumblr.com/post/655347185273241600/dancing-with-strangers-this-is-by-far-the-longest

#y/n #you #my own work #gojo #Satoru #gojo x you #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #Kakashi #Hatake #kakashi x y/n #kakashi x you #kakashi x reader #kakashi hakate #trader #selfinsert

[sarahjkl82-blog]

Artistic Instinct Chapter 7

Header thanks to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty

Summary: Marcus Pike and OC Anushka Pierce have been selected to work on a 5 eyes (Australia, Canada, NZ, the UK and US) intelligence team to track down art forgeries as a part of taking down an international white terrorism cell. Marcus is trying to escape his broken heart, Anushka is just trying to escape what the world expects of her.

Word count: 7,150 (being succinct is for wimps)

Warnings: Language, SMUT - this is your warning, no under 18s please.

Pairing: Marcus Pike x reader (OC)

This comes with a MASSIVE THANK YOU to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty , who read, re-read, pointed out the constant flipping between tenses and gave me the confidence to try to write something!This is the first thing I have written since angsty poetry as a teenager. Apologies if it is shit!

What the artist owes the world is his work, not a model for living.

Harry Crews

Chapter 7

Waking up comes to you slowly and languidly,as if the day was kind enough to filter softly into your eyes through a vaseline focussed lens, not unlike the ones shone onto Ingrid Bergman’s face and projected through Marcus’ iPad last night. Unlike your usual routine of falling out of bed and drifting with eyes still shut tight, in the direction of the kettle to make that all important cup of tea as your alarm sounds, you have instead woken as the first light of day paints the room in soft Degas pastels. Your sleep is normally quite fitful and filled with dreams that you wish didn’t cycle through your head for the rest of the day - but today feels different. Maybe it’s because your pillow is breathing.

Hang on, your pillow is breathing.

Shit, you fell asleep on Marcus.

How fucking professional, you absolute numpty!

Somehow during the night it was no longer just a case of you leaning into his shoulder but rather that your limbs had become confusingly entangled. From what you can work out, you must have both slid down the length of the sofa as whilst your head is still nestled on his shoulder, your forehead has now edged closer to the constellation of freckles on his neck. The steady percussion of his heart cradled within the gentle rise and fall of his chest is directly pressed against yours. Not crowding you despite the precariously narrow ledge you’re both huddled on, just fitting together like the most exquisitely cut puzzle.

For fuck’s sake, woman, what have you gotten yourself into this time?

You have one of the brightest minds in art history and are renowned for solving criminal activity but right now, you have zero idea as to how you will disentangle your limbs without both you and your boss showing willing.

But do you really want to?

There’s also a part of you that just wishes you could stay here- warm, safe and snuggled deeply in his chest. Jasper had always been so bony- all sharp edges and lean whereas Marcus offers a softer and more solid warmth as his body curls languidly around yours. His sleepy strokes and unconscious squeezes send little tingles throughout your body and whilst you’re utterly certain that nothing has happened other than the sheer exhaustion of two adults completely wiping out, you don’t feel ready to shatter the illusion of there being something more.

With the freest limb that’s slung over Marcus’ back, you try to wriggle some feeling into your fingers- psyching your body up to move. In an exchange of roles from the previous day, you stroke his cheek, tucking a curl of hair behind his ear before murmuring gently in his ear,

“Hey.”

Thick eyelashes start twitching before you notice an eye opening, darting around the room before coming in to focus upon your face, “Hey,” a shy grin slowly grows on his face, “I guess I didn’t get to put the comforter on you last night.”

“What?” In utter confusion, you push the back of your head into the cushion of the sofa so that you can angle your head to look more into Marcus’ face.

“I heard your breathing getting heavier last night n’ I thought of how you covered me the night before. Kept thinking I’d manage to do the same for you but you were so soft and warm, that I must’ve drifted off soon after,” his chuckling morning voice still painted with a sleepy rasp.

Giggling and grinning broadly at Marcus’ almost sweet gesture, you gently tease, “Well look, the quilt you nearly put on me, stayed on all night! Didn’t kick it off once.”

“Listen, thanks for not making this as awkward as it should be. No, no, no, I mean it,” Marcus emphasizes emphatically, his forehead wrinkling as his eyes implore you to believe him, “Not sure there are many people, who can wake up next to their new boss after less than 48 hours together and still crack jokes at their expense.”

Finally, working out a way to partially wriggle yourself free, you manage to push yourself into an almost seated position. A small groan and a flush runs through Marcus’ cheeks. And just before he flings his arm across his face to try to obscure his expression, you catch a look of embarrassment in his eyes.

In a low, gentle voice, you try to comfort him, “Come on, you have nothing to be embarrassed about- it’s a normal reaction. I’m going to shuffle across you, if that’s ok? I think it’s the only way we can get out of this tangle without both of us ending up on our arses on the floor.”

You take the small nod from Marcus as confirmation for the manoeuvre and start to crawl over him. Aiming to lift your hips up and away from the source of his embarrassment as possible, you end up overbalancing and tumbling to the floor in a heap of awkward limbs and laughter.

“Hey, you ok?” Marcus’ sleep creased face peers over the edge of the sofa down at you.

It’s now your turn for embarrassment to flush through your very being as you lie there staring at the ceiling rose and cornicing, “Ah I can’t ever pass up an opportunity to demonstrate just how clumsy I am,” you admit thickly through your eyelashes. Perhaps your limbs hadn’t been quite as ready as you’d hoped to carry your weight as you slowly shuffle yourself into a seated position on the deliciously deep pile rug that had cushioned your fall to the floor.

“Although, I may need to ensure that these rugs are kept around me at all times as at least there are no bruises this time. I swear my body is a map of mystery bruises,” you admit as you inspect the skin under your pyjama legs, pointing out inexplicable yellowing bruises.

“Well, Andy can look into that for you around the office,” Marcus says playing along with a wink, surreptitiously enjoying the little flashes you were revealing of your body, “Shame we’ve gotta leave today. I’m beat - but it’s been fun.”

“I’m not sure I’d have ever returned if it wasn’t for your insistence,” you admit, surprised at how the pain in your throat has already lessened to a mild dull ache.

“Guess we’d better get packed up and head off to the airport then.”

You observe Marcus’ bottom lip drop into a small pout, that delicious crease in the middle jutting out as if he was a petulant child rather than a man in his mid forties.

Oh how you’d love to suck...STOP IT! HE IS YOUR FUCKING BOSS, ANUSHKA MEERA LEAH PIERCE!

With an awkward wave and a quick turn of pace to hide the heat coursing through your face, you hightail it out of his room, stubbing your toe as you yank the door open far too viciously,

“SHIT ON IT!” You loudly curse, hearing the sofa creak as Marcus’ weight lifts from it. Not wanting to stick around for his latest sweet gesture when you don’t bloody deserve it, you painfully hop into the cool anonymity of the corridor to nurse your swollen toe.

Fucking smooth, Nush. REALLY fucking smooth.

✪✪✪✪✪

SLAM!

Marcus stands there, still slightly bleary eyed and dazed after experiencing some of the worst emotional whiplash he’s ever felt. How do you go from being genuinely sweet over feeling the morning glory of someone you barely know poking you in the belly to virtually running from the room and hurting yourself in the process to supposedly go pack your suitcase? Your words and actions seem so divergent- in total opposition to one another. Almost as if your brain and being are constantly at war with each other.

In one breath, you’ll tease him mercilessly, amaze him with the depth of your knowledge and the next you’ll shut off completely as if sharing even the time of day, would destroy you. You jump away from him as if it wasn’t the coffee that burns you but his touch and then, you lean into him, snoring sweetly with your face buried into his chest. He wants to shake you and scream WHAT DO YOU WANT in the same way that Ryan Gosling does in The Notebook, but life isn’t a romantic film. Something he’s never truly accepted.

Scrunching his eyes and scratching his head, rubbing the deep crevices that littered his brow, Marcus wonders what his next move will be. Should he run after you to check your foot? Wrap you in his arms and tell you that it will all be ok? Risk you running further from him? Unsure of whether your door would even open to him, Marcus sighs deeply before taking a few steps away from the sofa and tumbling face forward towards his as yet unslept upon bed.

Get it together, Pike.

How much of your constant pestering pushed Teresa away? It’s not a cute quirk, it’s fucking needy - and you need to stop before everyone runs from you.

Burying his face into the comforter, Marcus releases a deeply frustrated growl into its thick squishy noise-absorbing softness before using the springs of the bed to flip himself onto his back. Feeling his pulse throbbing a nervous beat in his neck, he shuts his eyes. All he can see is you. He can smell the tiniest imprints of your perfume and shampoo upon his t-shirt.

You’re fucking feral, Pike.

Feeling the blood rush to his groin as images of your face, bra strap and legs dance through his head, Marcus slides a hand under the waistband of his joggers to give himself a soothing stroke. He enjoys playing with himself as much as the next man- rubbing, stroking, cupping- but right now, all he can imagine is your hand being wrapped around it. Your hand gripping his cock - your skin so fucking soft - building up a rhythmic pleasure as you stare deep into his eyes.

Oh, fuck it.

With a quick arch of his hips, Marcus pulls down his pants in one smooth motion to allow himself full access to his dick. The immense pressure building and tightening as he works the shaft developing a pleasing rhythm whilst he is thinking of you. Filling in the gaps of the parts he hasn’t yet seen of you. How when you’d drifted off last night, he’d patted your hip and realised after feeling no ridge from where the elastic should have been that you had no panties on under your pyjama bottoms. The thought of your pillowy soft, warm, wet flesh so close to his fingers had made him grimace and groan last night when he couldn’t act upon it.

Now by himself, he gives into his basest wishes. Imagining licking, biting and stroking down your body, sucking on your nipples before lifting your hips to lower you onto his dick, sinking deeper and deeper inside you, feeling your warmth and wetness encase around him. Scraping his nails lightly across his balls, up the shaft and across the tip, he throws his head back as he thrusts harder into his fist. The first wave crashes over him pumping jet after jet of cum over his belly as his back arches up away from the soft mattress, his mouth crying out your name.

Dazed. Spent. Marcus lies there for a while, his hands and belly sticky from his release. Allowing the tiredness to wash back through him, his eyes close again- torturing his brain with images of you lying back with him. Being able to stroke your hair and press kisses into your sweetly almond scented skin. Hugging you tightly to him.

Never letting go.

Oh, you are utterly fucked, Pike.

✪✪✪✪✪

Lying upon your tummy, head resting on your arms, you rest upon your bed thinking over the events of the past two days. Burning yourself, burning others, coming back to France, panic attacks, confessions and oh, finding a piece of well faked art- nothing too taxing. The exhaustion is so exquisite as it courses through your veins. There is one thing you’ve tried to exclude from your list- the Voldemort of kindness- he who shall not be named.

Marcus Fucking Pike

When you’d seen his bank card, you’d noticed the F sitting between the M for Marcus and his surname of Pike. It had momentarily tickled you to think of what the F could stand for. You totally know that with his track record for openness, he’d have told you in a heartbeat but it was more fun to wonder. For now, it will stand for Fucking as from what he’d demonstrated of himself he can be really Fucking nice, a Fucking tease about your totally non-existent snoring and Fucking hot.

Stop it, Nush.

You’ve been there, seen that, done it and got the fucking t-shirt. You do not want to go down that road again.

Rolling yourself off the bed, landing with a little more grace than you had off the sofa previously, you set to grabbing everything- throwing it all into your rucksack haphazardly. You’d underpacked, not wanting to cart a wheelie suitcase with you, leaving you with fewer clothes than you actually needed for this trip. You don’t have a clean outfit for the office today. Shit. The dress, although pretty smart for work, wouldn’t be terribly comfy on the flight back and there are some small splatters decorating it from where your coffee shot out of your mouth from laughing hard. You’ll have to head home before travelling into the office today, meaning a later night to catch up with the work you’d not complete earlier. Cursing your inability to pack well and organise your life, you throw on your dress and hope that your cardigan covers the worst of the stains.

Dragging the Tangle Teezer through the motions of pretending to tame your mop before securing it in a high ponytail, you head towards the bathroom that is situated on the adjoining wall between Marcus’ and your bedroom. The old fashioned tap handle with its smooth enamel touches spins easily between your fingers with none of the guttering, spluttering and sudden gushes of cloudy water that yours does at home as you wet your toothbrush, ready to brush your morning breath away. Buzzing fills your bathroom as you set about starting your day, your eyes dancing around the room looking at the cool tiles, the elaborate cistern on the toilet- all very fitting of a Victorian era bathroom. Not your style in the slightest, but it suited the styling of the hotel well. You hated when buildings were stripped and gutted of their original features, fitted with cookie cutter IKEA furniture. Chairs should be a little creaky, floors uneven and tables a little rickety- no perfect lines. A bit like that gorgeous missing bit of beard from Marcus’ face- perfection in imperfection.

Stop it, woman.

Spitting the foamy bubbles into the porcelain of the sink, you turn on the tap to rinse it away. Spinning the handle to the off position, you grab the cleanser that Claire, your eldest brother’s wife, had convinced you to start using and to be honest, it certainly helped the hormonal breakouts when it was that time of the month.

Tearing the cotton pad packet open, you grab two of them, squeezing a blob between them, then squishing them together so that it makes a cleanser pad sandwich. It reminds you of those potions you used to make as a child out in the garden mixing any berries, leaves and soil, or in the bath where you used all your dad’s shaving foam and your mum’s stupidly expensive creams, oils and lotions, mixing wild concoctions that would stop your brothers from coming into your bedroom or your mum rolling her eyes at your grades.

Rubbing the cool ointment in soothing circles over your skin, a strange sound seems to come through the wall. From Marcus’ side. It’s muffled but did it sound like your name, or were you imagining it? Confusion creases your forehead- why wouldn’t he just call or text if he needed you, unless he’s hurt? Deciding that the only way to put your mind at rest is to ring and make sure that he’s ok, you scroll through the names on your phone until you hit Sir Agent Marcus Pike. Hitting facetime, you gaze around the room as you wait for him to pick up. A lopsided smile on a slightly flushed face arrives on your phone, “Hey! You ok?”

“Yeah, I was just ringing to check if you were- I thought I heard you say my name when I was in the bathroom,” you gently question, noticing Marcus’ face twitch awkwardly as his eyes widen, “I was just worried that you might be bleeding out in there. Can’t really have that happen twice or people will start to think it was me that did it!”

Covering his mouth, scratching his scruff with his fingers, Marcus tries to think quickly, “Urm, I was… just trying to um get packed up and I stubbed my toe. You probably heard a pained grunt- sorry,” Marcus shakes his head, flaming cheeks giving away his lie.

“Oh we’re a matching pair, now!” you giggle watching Marcus’ uncomfortable twitching and the way he keeps running his hand through his hair, not entirely convinced by his story but glad it isn’t anything more serious.

“Anyway,” you announce wanting to move the conversation along, “I’ve booked us a taxi to the airport- you’ve got about twenty minutes until it arrives.”

A genuine smile creeps across his face- his eyes creasing into half crescents, “Thanks Nush. Hadn’t actually considered how we’d get there. I promise I am capable of running this team.”

“No worries, Marcus. See you down in reception?” that delicious smile and a slight nod greets your question before a quick goodbye on both sides.

He bloody hadn’t stubbed his toe but what the fuck had he been doing? Eyes widening as a realisation crosses your mind.

He hadn’t, had he?

Giggling away to yourself at the very thought, you finish grabbing your things before flicking the switch on the kettle and opening those beautiful French doors so their gauzy curtains float like ribbons in the slight breeze. One more coffee on that glorious balcony before you head back to London. So that’s two major developments you have gained in regards to work- one faked picture and that Marcus Pike is a shit liar.

✪✪✪✪✪

The journey back to the UK had been pretty uneventful other than Marcus trying to take your bag from you whenever possible. A sweet gesture but entirely unnecessary when it is literally a rucksack with five light items inside and you are more than capable of carrying it unless he was secretly worried that you’d injure someone else by swinging around too quickly or something. In the end, it was just easier for him to hold it rather than bickering like an old married couple in the middle of Stansted airport.

“Just gimme it, Nush. You can concentrate on working out where on Earth I’ve parked my car- this is the info I’ve got from the email ticket,” Marcus pointedly says, passing you his phone screen.

“You don’t have to give me a lift. I have to go home first as I didn’t pack enough clothes to cover me for today too,” you own up, “You get yourself to work and I’ll meet you there in a couple of hours. I promise I’ll work late tonight to make up for it.”

Marcus shakes his head, “You hardly strike me as someone who does half a job. You’re in Blackheath too, aren’t you? To be honest, I could do with grabbing a few bits from home before going back into town, so it won’t be going out of my way.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to take any more of your time than necessary- I know that I’m not the easiest person to be around and you’ve had to pretty much live with me for the past twenty-four hours,” you check noticing Marcus’ wince when you mention your difficult personality, “Ooof that bad huh?”

“You should stop talking about yourself in that way, Nush,” he gently soothes, lifting your chin with his thumb so that he can pick your eyes up from where they have fallen to the floor, “From what I’ve learnt about you in the past couple of days, you are an incredibly intelligent, occasionally clumsy but warm human. It has been a pleasure to have this opportunity to get to know you better and get to see the level of your skills so early on.”

Shifting uncomfortably in your coffee stained clothes, a smile crossing his face as he adds, “Can’t take a compliment can you? Ah well, that’ll have to be in your performance management plan- something for you to work on.”

“Ah hah! I’ve worked it out- your car is in the third bay, second row in Green Zone,” you triumphantly cackle.

“Lead the way, Nush. Let’s head home.”

✪✪✪✪✪

Roughly forty-five minutes later, you are kicking the base plate of your door to get the damp to release its powerful grip. Realistically, you had no need for a lock as the fluid retention of the wood would stop the most committed burglar in their tracks and unless you angled the kick just right, ah that’s it- home. You lean over the edge of the walkway to wave at Marcus, who is waiting below for a signal that you were in. He flashes his lights in acknowledgement of your gesture before smoothly reversing from where he has pulled in, watching his car disappearing from your estate, there is a tiny ache but you try to push it away as realistically, it is utterly ridiculous. You’re going to be seeing him in an hour for a lift into work.

After a scorching shower, a squirt of perfume and donning a pretty wrap dress with brightly coloured tights and your trusty cherry red Docs, you’re ready. Lying upon the sofa with your head upon a cushion, your knees bent and feet up on the arm rest, you flick through the various emails and messages that have slowly trickled in over the course of the morning. A sharp rap at the door, shakes you out of work mode.

“Hang on,” you yell through the door giving it the special shake and wiggle before muttering a prayer to the door gods to open first time, “Sorry, it’s the damn damp!”

A very smart, besuited, booted and bespectacled Marcus has a look of total alarm, “I’d say to get that checked but I’m guessing you already have?”

“Oh multiple times of pestering my landlord- apparently it’s on a list. Has been for at least three years,” you answer irritatedly, “Anyway, it’s my best security feature- no one can get in or out.”

“I didn’t realise you wore glasses. They look good on you,” you admire the black frames enjoying the flush being brought to Marcus’ cheeks before teasingly adding, “Ohhh, now who can’t take a compliment!”

“Get down your ass down those stairs, Ms Pierce, I’m pulling rank,” Marcus winks, lopsidedly grinning at you, “We have to at least pretend to do some work today.”

✪✪✪✪✪

Marcus opens the door to the office for you- ever grateful to his wonderful manners, you slide into the office first and inwardly groan at the pile of files that have seemingly made themselves at home on your desk.

“Oh there’s my girl!” Andy’s arms wrap themselves around your shoulders, encasing you in a bone crushing hug, “Missed your face yesterday but I’m guessing you’ve had no time to think of us poor souls slaving away here whilst you’ve been gallivanting across the French countryside? How was the hotel room? Enjoy the view?”

Feeling a little ambushed by your friend’s questioning, you blink hard to steady your thoughts of the glorious view you awoke to this morning, “Yeah, it was lovely!”

And warm. And soft. Snored quite sweetly too.

“I know what a mardy bum you can be if you don’t have something nice to look at when you wake up,” Andy adds with a gentle shrug. He then turns his attention to Marcus, who’s shifting uncomfortably behind you, “Welcome back, Sir. Good to have you back here.”

“Thanks Andy. Um, I’m going to get set up,” Marcus says as he steps out around from behind you, placing a hand on the small of your back. The warmth exists there for a moment before he’s already passed your desk and opened the glass door to his office.

“Coffee’s already waiting for you on your desk,” Marcus swings back to look utterly amazed at his PA, so Andy qualifies this, “I get reception to let me know when all of you arrive so that you can focus on the important things.”

“By the way, Nush and Marcus, before you get swallowed by case files,” Andy addresses you both as you lower yourself onto your chair, “we’re all heading to the Model Market on Friday to find some food and drink before drunkenly throwing some moves to my cousin who’ll be behind the decks. It’s only Wednesday and it already feels like a week!”

Dian sneaks over to your desk with a pastel de nata, “I heard these are your favourites so here’s something sweet to start off your day right.”

Your lip trembles and tears start to form as she passes you this sweet treat, “Thank you. They are my favourites. You are a truly lovely human, Dian.” You reach across the table and squeeze her hand.

“Oh I’m alright, I guess,” she winks one of her anthracite eyes at you, beaming widely, “I am just looking forward to finally spending some time with you in a context that doesn’t involve work. It’s so hard leaving a place that you’ve got your people who you vibe with and then you upend yourself to live somewhere new, where you’re totally on your own and have a job where you work odd hours!”

A sudden hit of guilt pumps through your veins, “I am so sorry, Dian, I hadn’t thought of that. I am so lucky to be from the same city that I now work in- I should have taken you to Borough. I will, and I promise I will show you all the little nooks you won’t have seen around there.”

“I was very jealous of Marcus stealing you away. Ridiculous when it was just for a day but I’d really like to get to know you. I feel like we could be friends,” Dian squeezes back, “Harper has family and friends here already, and I swear I overheard Kiri talking about a rugby team he has joined and meeting up with some mates from uni.”

“Yup- that’s probably true- plenty of Aussies and Kiwis in London but sadly not so many Canadians! Right, we’ll do this old school- come over to mine at seven on Friday, I’ll put some wine in the fridge and we can pretend we’re teenagers getting ready for a night on the town,” you quickly scrawl your address on a piece of paper, pushing it across the table towards Dian.

The smile on Dian’s face is the prettiest thing you've seen for a while. It seems to extend from her eyes to the very depths of her soul. Her reaching out to you makes you think of Marcus. Perhaps he could do with a friend here too- maybe another pizza and classic film night? Even though it had only been two nights, you feel a pang of disappointment at the thought of him not being there with you this evening. Ridiculous. Get a grip before you risk curling up on a sofa with him again.

As Dian returns to her desk, you are faced with the mountain of paperwork from yesterday’s adventure. Shutting your eyes to try and focus your brain, you try to figure out where to start- the report? Logging the video feed? Filing the pictures? Writing up the notes from the meeting?

“Already napping on the job?”

You open one eye to be met with Marcus’ amused face.

With a slight shake of your head, you dismiss his teasing inquiry, “Trying to figure out where to start. I’m not sure quite how we managed to achieve so much in a day but it allllll nowwwww neeeeeeds to be loggggggged, bleurgh!”

“Let’s start at the very beginning,” Marcus says with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“A very good place to start,” you sing along, channeling your best Julie Andrews, highly amused by Marcus’ reference, “Actually- as my brain’s not quite in work mode yet, I should ask you before I forget. I was thinking- do you fancy making the pizzas and classic film night a thing? While London is always full of people, it’s easy to feel quite lonely until you find your group of friends.”

A genuine smile slowly crawls across Marcus’ face as he drinks in your offer, “I mean, it's just a thought. Of course you don’t have to and I’m not sure that my old sofa is anywhere near as comfy as the one in Lyon…”

“I’d love to,” Marcus grins at the fluster in your voice, was he happy to spend more time with you? “Let’s get something in place…”

“Nush- sorry to interrupt, Marcus- I have a highly animated woman called Élodie on the phone asking for you. Can I put her through?” Andy asks, “Seems like she has the lab results back for the possible Soutine.”

Lifting the receiver for your phone whilst whispering to Marcus that you’d catch him later, you lean into the backrest and spin yourself comfortingly from side to side, « Coucou chérie, ça va? Vérifie si mon numéro de téléphone fonctionne? » Hi my love! How are you? Already checking if my telephone number works?

«Coucou mon chouchou! Bien sûr- tu ne peux pas me quitter encore! Il a été complètement falsifié. Sur la toile, sous la peinture, se trouve une autre image qui me rappelle quelque chose qui a été peint par un ado troublé! » Hey my love! Of course- you can’t leave me again! It was completely faked. On the canvas under the paint, another image was found that reminds me of something a troubled teenager would paint! The words tumbling hurriedly from Élodie’s mouth into her phone.

You giggle remembering the angst-ridden art and poetry you’d created as a mopey teenager and are filled with amusement that someone might improve them by putting faked masterpieces on top.

« D’accord! Donc la radiologie l’a prouvé - mais qu’en est il des échantillons de peinture? Une joie avec ceux-ci? » Ok! So the X-ray proved it but what about the paint samples? Any joy there? Now spinning on your chair as far the cord would allow you, your mind wonders how on Earth it could ever have ever been thought to be real.

« Tous les échantillons montrent des peintures modernes telles que la phtalocyanine bleue et verte. Les résultats de la datation au carbone sont attendus plus tard dans la soirée, mais j'avais hâte de t’appeler! Je t’enverrai les résultats par e-mail dès qu'ils apparaissent» All of the samples show modern paints such as phthalocyanine blue and green. The carbon dating results are due later this evening but I couldn't wait to ring you. I’ll email you the results as soon as they appear. Élodie continues, « Comment s'est passé votre dernière nuit et le voyage de retour avec votre magnifique patron? » How did the last night and journey home go with that lovely boss of yours?

« Je raccroche le téléphone maintenant, femme ridicule, » I am hanging up the phone now, you ridiculous woman. You reproach your friend playfully.

Hanging up, after sending hugs and kisses to Jacques too, you see that your computer has now decided that no more updates need to be made. Perhaps it’s time to get started on that report…

When you read you begin with ay bee cee…

✪✪✪✪✪

The flurry of activity continues to hover around your desk and slowly your colleagues peter out in search of lives lived outside of the office space. In fact, you don’t notice the ageing of the day until Marcus goes to leave the office, “Hey, are you planning to sleep here tonight?”

“Had more sleep last night than I usually do so I am riding this high until I drop,” you snort without removing your eyes from your screen as you furiously type away, “You off home?”

“Gym first- gotta burn off the pancakes I’m going to have for breakfast tomorrow,” Marcus says as he fiddles with the strap on his laptop bag.

“That’s not the way that food intake and exercise should work. Food is for nourishing your body and exercise is for making it strong. Don’t get sucked in by that bullshit, Marcus,” you wag your finger at your boss, still hammering the keyboard with your other hand, “You have nothing to worry about, the way you look.”

You finally look up to see Marcus shyly smile, rocking from heel to toe in his highly polished brogues, his eyes on the toe of his shoes. Drawing a deep breath, he looks back up at you, nodding towards the report on your screen, “D’ya think you’ll be able to present that to the team tomorrow?”

“Yeah, just had the results from the carbon dating come through so I should be ready to speak to everyone tomorrow morning at the briefing, if that works for you?” You answer just as tiredness starts to take a grip on your body.

“Perfect. Can I offer you a lift home or are you staying a bit longer?”

“Staying,” you confirm, glueing your eyes back to the screen.

“Well, goodnight Nush,” Marcus wishes you warmly, as he makes to walk away from your desk.

“G’night Marcus. Try to sleep in a bed tonight.”

A throaty chuckle fills the cool office air before disappearing as the door shuts behind him. Bathed in the blue light of your screen, you try to jog your memory of which point you were about to make in your report but sit there utterly stumped due to the distraction.

Marcus Fucking Pike.

✪✪✪✪✪

“So what’s the big deal about this colour exactly?” Harper cuts directly to the chase, “Explain it like I’m five because as you are well aware, this is not my area of expertise.”

You always wonder how far back people need to know of a colour’s history to explain it well enough. Do you take it back to cave paintings or perhaps start in the Renaissance? Perhaps somewhere between the two?

“There was a blue that was known as the colour of the heavens. It’s called ultramarine and is created by crushing lapis lazuli. Now, lapis is only found in one country- Afghanistan, but it’s been used since antiquity to create this beautifully, insanely intense blue. The blue that you see in Tutankhamen’s mask, that’s lapis. Having been used by the Ancient Egyptian and Babylonian empires, lapis then fell out of favour as the Romans associated it with the woad used by Barbarian hordes.”

Tapping his pen on the table, Kiritopa nods in agreement,”Like Braveheart?”

“That’s a wee bit later in European history but a similar idea. Think more Boudicca- the Iceni tribes uprising against the marauding Romans,” Dian points out kindly before nodding encouragingly at you to continue.

“The use of ultramarine then slowly diffused through Europe thanks to the Crusades in the 13th and 14th century but even then, it was still an incredibly precious commodity and solely available to the richest of the rich. That’s why you only ever see it in pictures of the Virgin Mary, emperors, popes and other dignitaries. When a patron requested Ultramarine to be used, the contract would have to be super tight specifying exactly where it would be used and how much.”

“So over the years, scientists have attempted to replicate this paint to create a substance that’s more commercially available but when we try to make paints, we’re dealing with chemistry. When manufacturing paint, you’ve got to make sure that it’s a stable, preferably non-toxic product because well, we all know what happened to the Radium Girls.”

“It took until the first half of the twentieth century for the scientific community to create CuPc. I think it was 1927 when they first created a reaction between copper, cyanide and 0-dibromobenzene, finding that one of the byproducts was an intensely blue powder. This blue powder ended up being first manufactured in 1935 but it still wasn’t readily available until the sixties because Yves Klein tried in the fifties to create the blue used by Giotto and still didn’t manage to produce anything nearly as stable or non-toxic.”

“How does this all link up to this forgery in France?” Harper questions bluntly, clearly desperate for you to get to the point.

Blinking hard, you take a moment to steady yourself as Marcus’ eyes flit between you and the Australian agent.

“Kind of wishing that I’d asked you to explain it like I’m twenty five, might have reached the point by Christmas,” she mutters under her breath.

“Stop packing a sad, Harper. Nush has heaps of skills in this area,” Kiritopa shoots a glare in the Australian’s direction, “Keep going Nush.”

You go to open your mouth but Harper just can’t help herself, “There’s a skill in being succinct.”

“There’s also a skill in not being rude but you’re not managing that are you?” The look on Kiritopa’s face announcing that he is pretty much ready to kill.

“Whoa - guys…” Marcus chooses now to join in?

“Look,” you acquiesce- your heart racing in your throat, raising your hands to try and calm the situation, “Harper’s right, I’m blathering. I should have gotten to the point far sooner. The crux of the situation is that the paint found on the canvas in Grenoble dates from the sixties whereas the artist died in the forties.”

“All of the evidence points to it being a fake- carbon dating, x-rays- the lot. This was an easy find but I think we should be prepared for harder to spot ones,” after throwing paper copies of the lab results in the centre of the table for everyone to grab, you sit back in your chair. Your posture screams for everyone to leave you alone, burying your face in the agenda. Multiple sets of eyes look upon you but you refuse to meet them, feeling furiously obstinate and wholly uncommunicative in the moment.

As the meeting grinds to a close, you finally lift your eyes to find that Marcus’ regard has barely left you- only looking away when you catch him. Urgh, he’s going to be nice about this too. But it isn’t Marcus, who reaches out to you. It’s Kiritopa. Kiritopa, who wordlessly reaches his bear-like arm across the table and squeezes your hand before getting up and leaving the room. The gesture fills you with a grateful warmth and you decide to scarper from the meeting room before Marcus says something and makes you cry.

Time to put on my big girl knickers and get back to work.

✪✪✪✪✪

Friday passes in a blur of calls about a new possible forgery meaning that you can only pull silly faces at Dian from across the room. Kiritopa seems hugely excited by the prospect of a night out, chattering about how he’s invited some of the guys from his rugby team to meet up with him there later. Harper is her usual distant self, head down, beavering away- not really paying much attention to anyone or anything around her.

Where’s Marcus?

You throw a scrunched ball of paper at the PA’s head to get his attention, but entirely miss him, “Andy is Marcus not coming in today?”

Picking up the paper and without even looking up, he throws it back, hitting you square in the forehead, “Car trouble. Any issues, message him.”

Eventually, you hear his confident gait walk into the room. Looking up, you send him a smile which soon fades when you see what a mess he’s in. Hair sticking up all over the place from a stressed hand constantly running through it, a slight gleam of sweat across his skin and an oily mark on one cheek, shirt untucked, jacket draped over one arm, tie askance and lowered due to the top two buttons of his shirt being undone. All of him, in fact, looks undone and defeated.

Without thinking, you jump up from your seat, walk over to him and hug him tightly. With this action the other agents look up and see the state their boss is in. Marcus, whilst initially surprised by your gesture, leans into the hug and lowly whispers, “Thanks. I needed that,” before giving you a tight squeeze, releasing you and slowly trudging towards his office.

“Shit start to a Friday, Sir,” Kiritopa offers, “I’ll get the first round in tonight- you look like you could do with a beer.”

“Fuck, yes, I need a beer but as your boss, that’s my job,” Marcus forcefully asserts, “You can get the second round in.”

You make to slink off back to your desk but Marcus catches your hand, rubbing the skin lightly with his thumb, “You ok?”

“Yeah- just wanted to check on you. You look a fucking state,” you declare through an amused grin.

Marcus chuckles at your observation. “Not the best start to a day,” he grimaces, “I miss anything major this morning?”

“Not apart from the boss arriving at midday looking like he pushed his car all the way here,” you gently tease, “You know we have something called public transport in London- you should try it some time!”

“Yeah, I’ll have Andy look into that for me,” Marcus nods in mock-contemplation, “Hey, um, are you coming out tonight? With everyone, I mean?”

“Uh huh,” you concede reluctantly, “I’m not really a fan of nights out with colleagues but I think we could all do with a glass of something and some good street food in our tummies. What time are you getting there?”

Marcus scrunches up his nose, “Around seven but you know this job- it might be then or some time in September!”

Giving you a wink as he buttons up his collar and straightens his tie, Marcus turns towards his office and you head back to your desk- both with a renewed wish to get finished up and out of the office tonight.

Taglist: @astroboots @silverwolf319 @yespolkadotkitty @agirllovespancakes @danniburgh @lunaserenade @leonieb @tardisfangurl @mouthymandalorian @disgruntledspacedad @zukoyonce @pedropascalito @absurdthirst @mrsparknuts @sirowsky @bison-writes @the-ginger-hedge-witch @green-socks @lv7867

#pedro pascal #josé pedro balmaceda pascal #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal #ppascaledit #the mentalist #the mentalist fanfic #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x reader #marcus pike #marcus pike x reader #the mentalist fanfiction #marcus pike x oc

[theyarebothgunshot]

ROSE I AM FREAKING OUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREQUEL STUFF???? WHAT IS GOING ON, my god... I was literally about to go to sleep, decided to check Tumblr one last time and see this.... what WHAT!! WHATTTT!!!!!! I don't even know if this is good bad or what but just JENSEN IS PRODUCING A SUPERNATURAL PREQUEL AND DEAN'S GONNA BE THE NARRATOR OR Sth LIKE???? -🐸

YEAH i am normal about this <3 (jk i am also freaking out) welcome to: people screaming to me in my inbox about prequelgate ft. j/2 fallout theory. let's goooo!

Another copypasta and suddenly chaos machine is full on gay I love this prophecy

you know whats funny i just checked the j/2 tag and i feel like for the first time in a long time they are starting to realise that maybe THEY should be the ones who are "gutted" *sips tea*

ROSE HOLY SHIT ROOOOOOOOSE ITS HAPPENING HOLY SHIIIIIT

YEAH

Nevermind just read prequel and well good luck I guess but just you know kind of bleh who wants to watch John Winchester well let’s have hope anyways

i know a lot of people are bummed out but i am kind of very excited actually?? i trust robbie and even though yeah j*hn winchester turned into a nasty abusive bastard, it can be interesting to explore how it all started (imo). it's just the first of many stories they can tell.

I can only accept this circus if it’s Dean telling the stories to his and Cas’ kids and then we have a revival to show that the whole finale was in fact the end Chuck wanted there Jensen I fixed it

i would not say no to this

heyloo bee anon here

um- wtf is happening?

jackles prequel series?? why? i want to be excited about this but sheesh im scared

because supernatural is never dead <3

okay, but, jensen... john winchester ≠ jdm, you don’t have to go /that/ hard for him 🙃

true true... though i am waiting for jdm to comment on this, please i need it

WAIT A SECOND J2 FALLOUT THEORY TRUE??

LMAO HELL YEAH BESTIE

Rose you really picked the worst time to sleep for real

bestie it was literally 4 in the morning, what do you expect from me sdfjsfhsf

I can’t literally can’t we were all right LMAO j2 fallout theory is real and cockles (Misha supporting Jensen) is [gunshots] I’m just laughing cause what the hell is this timeline we’re living LMAOOOOOOOOOO

we would always end up here <3

Do we have the copypaste anons to thank for JP basically confirming the J2 fallout? lol 🦚

yes, everybody say 'thanks annoying idiots!'

ROSE, WAKE UP, COME HERE,

THERE'S A LOT GOING ON FFS

YEAH I KNOW BUT I NEEDED SLEEP

Anticipating that there's going to be a lot of yelling about the prequel on here: I am cackling, but also, I mean, the first time Dean got a look into his parent's past, Cas was the catalyst: literally entered Dean's mind and catapulted him to the 70s. So idk, it's not completely unreasonable to expect some Cas cameos, maybe setting up a parallel timeline since Dean is narrating. What I'm saying is, this is Jackles, he's getting JDM and Misha in on this lmao -Honeymoon Anon

you were right lmfaooo also i fully agree. misha's tweet further cemented that thought for me. he knew about this prequel and i dont think he is cas-baiting us, i think he'll be involved. i'd also be obsessed to see jensen and jdm act together again (though idk who jdm could play seeing as it's a prequel and he is way too old to play young j*hn)

longlivethetribbles heeft gevraagd:

Heyyyyyy bestie, are you SEEING the absolute madness going on right now holy shit

well a little late but I SURE AM BESTIE

bestie wake up pls s16 finale just dropped.

- 🍯

and WHAT a great one it was

I love coming home from work to see all of the chaos unfolding on Tumblr and Twitter. I'm absolutely buzzing right now. I'll probably still be here by the time you wake up and check tumblr 😂 - 🐢

lmaooo and were you still awake?? did you see my freak out??

Oooh bestie wake the fuck up, I know you’re gonna be excited for this one jsnsjsj

god i had SUCH a morning like. it's 12:00 now and all i did since i woke up is check tumblr rip

short summary: jen and dee gain the rights, they post on ig/twitter about a prequel ft john and mary that no one asked for, the fandom loses its everloving shit as usual, they trend on twitter thanks to the beloved twt intern who missed us, misha qt’s jen about cas possibly benefiting from being in the prequel, then j*red qt’s jensen abt how his feelings got hurt by him not being told about a prequel his character as no involvement in & he initially throws a tantrum, and the rest is history - 🦋 anon (ps: i hope this helps a little, i’ve been scattered brained trying to keep up with it all night lmao so pls let me know if i missed anything, bug crew !!)

thank you so much darling i figured it out eventually but this is a helpful summary!!!

I hope you enjoyed waking up to all of this XD -🐢

i sure did!!! also that answers my question about you being awake lmao

I WILL NEVER EVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR SLEEPING THROUGH ALL OF THIS DRAMA AND NOT EXPERIENCING IT IN PERSON I DIDN'T NEED THIS SLEEP - tea anon

well the party was still going strong this morning so im not TOO "gutted" see what i did there lmaooo

Now that you are caught up with the news... So idk if you remember this but...didn't jarpad tell jackles he was up for a reboot in an online panel? And jackles answered that this was news to him??

-🍯

yeah i think you are right but he was clearly joking and didnt expect jackles to actually be working on something already

J2 anon spare more of those anons let's finish this - tea anon

please, we're having a ball in this bitch

I saw a post on tumblr where someone said now that Kripke gave J&D the rights, maybe they’re starting with a prequel just to end on a reboot in years time and honestly ? I wanna believe that so badly. This is tinhatty but what if this is all calculated in a way that makes it so that Jensen is slowly starting to fix everything that was wrong with spn - now that he has the rights and he’s slowly making spn his own story ?! I mean he did say in his ig post he wants to ‘fill in the rest’ - and maybe Mary and John’s story is only the beginning of spn related content from J&D to come ??? Maybe he wants to give spn the justice it deserves ?? Thoughts ??

i dont think this is tinhatty at all i think this is very possible and not that much of a reach. i could see this happening yeah for sure

want to hear something funny. I found out I had a ruptured blood vessel in my eye because I was sending my friend a video freaking out when the prequel news dropped and I noticed the corner of my eye was red af. and when I got back online jared had tweeted.

DJFHSJD ANON THE CHAOS OF IT ALL, HELP, are you okay? <3

rose.. bestie... how are you feeling about The News? nsfshsf being european is a curse </3 🐞

i feel GREAT im living for it i feel on top of the world tbh (and yeah it really is dsjfhs)

What am I waking up to I can't WHAT I rested my eyes for like 5 minutes help *hits reblog button* - anon anon

yep yep essentially djfhs

“Jensen and Misha are Co workers who barley talk”

I can’t be sure of course but I’m fairly certain that this is the copypasta that brought the j/2 fallout theory back to life. Who’s apparently ‘barely talking’ now? skansjsjsj. It’s almost prophetic, these j/2 anons have superpowers I’m telling ya.

-poker face anon

next time we get one of them we should be thanking them lmaooo

ok, but are we gonna talk about the "When Daneel and I formed Chaos Machine Productions, we knew that the first story we wanted to tell was the story of John and Mary Winchester [...]"-quote because the way this is phrased implies they formed CHAOS MACHINE Productions with the intent of telling this story (first), i haven't been in this dumpster long enough but the name just tickles me in that Misha way, isn't it so sus??? am i missing something???? i mean with this announcement they SURE lived up to that name... 🧩-anon

you are absolutely right, chaos machine SCREAMS misha and we are all here for it!!

hey hey hey. joining the clownverse, there's no way THEE cas girl danneel doesn't know just how much the fandom loves misha and cas. so 2 + 2 = misha in the spn prequel!

AGREED

So I think I finally managed to catch up on wtf happened while I was asleep and my brain melted. What a shit show to wake up to.

Anyway thoughts.

I don't hate the idea of a Mary&John sequel. I think it has the potential to be good (It has the potential to be really bad too, so I'm kind scared).

🕯️🕯️🕯️ manifesting Mary being badass and John being kinda useless🕯️🕯️🕯️

As for the Jensen and J*red thing.

I can see Jensen not telling J*red even if they are still friends, because J*red is kinda good at accidentally telling Secrets. He could have told him right before he announced it so, so that J*red didn't have to find out from twitter. He was on the show for 15 years, he is bound to get asked about it. The public twitter meltdown was really unprofessional so. Like you have Jensen's number J*red. You could have sorted that out in private like a normal person, but instead you choose to act like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Is it weird that I'm actually going to be kinda that for them if the actually had a falling out, even tho I don't like J*red all that much. They seemed to be really important to each other and while I thought before that the might have triefted apart a bit, I didn't think that the where actively fighting.

- 🐌 anon

the thing is, the polite/normal thing for jensen to do was text him before announcing it on twitter. it's weird he didn't, and that makes me believe that maybe yeah they did have a falling out. especially with the way j*red responded to it on twitter. if he had no other reason to be this upset (no prior beef or falling out) you'd think that he wouldn't be responding like this. on the other hand, the man is a mysterie to me so who the hell knows. i'm not gonna mourn about it if they did/do grow apart because j*red is just.... awful imo.

#frog anon #bee anon #peacock anon #subtlerainy #honeymoon anon #bestie mutual #honeypot anon #turtle anon #butterfly anon #tea anon #ladybug anon #anon anon #poker face anon #puzzle pieces anon #snail anon #good lord i think i got more anons about this than about anything else before lmao #good luck to anybody who actually reads this <3

[zenrayne]

For those dealing with depression: self soothing tips

It never truly goes away until we learn to love ourselves I’m realizing. To tell the inner critic and the self hating part of us or the pessimistic side of us that I love you and you’re worthy.

I noticed when I beat myself up mentally that part of me is angry at myself because that part is sad as shit and just wants me to do and be better or to not feel anymore pain. That self hating part of me doesn’t understand my worth because I never told it and my parent made me feel worthless.

I’m learning very slowly for almost 2 years now. It gets just a little easier each time. I cry less but I’m more numb. But when I relapse or break down where my depression makes me feel like I’ll never be happy it’s easier to pull myself out of the pain than it was 5 years ago. 5 years ago suicide was on my mind every day when something went bad. Then I actually attempted it twice and had one accidental overdose. The last time I tried I realized if I don’t push myself to try to live than I won’t know what it’s like to be happy I’ll have died without finding out what my potential can be. I have to decide to either fully die or fully live I can’t teeter totter all my life when I feel a negative experience or negative emotion.

Now when I’m depressed, crying, having a bad memory, anything that feels like it’s breaking me inside I self soothe. It’s usually while I’m having a panic attack and or crying my eyes out and I feel like giving up. Self soothing is something my parents and no one could do for me.

To do it I rub my upper arms as if I’m hugging myself yet comforting myself and just repeatedly saying positive things like: “it’s okay. It’s okay to feel this. Your emotions are valid. You’re not your bad thoughts. You’re safe. It’s okay. I love you. I’m here. I won’t hurt you anymore. I’m listening to your pain. It’s okay to feel this. Let’s get through this hard part together.” I self soothe like a parent for myself no matter how much I don’t believe the words I’m saying because of my pain. I say it over and over until my mind listens, calms down, and starts believing.

If I can I go and journal. Or listen to music and I force myself to sing or dance to my favorite song to get my low energy up more. Exercise is great too if you prefer not to dance. Exercise with music. Moving your body gives you endorphins its the natural pain killer because they activate opioid receptors in the brain that help minimize discomfort. They can also help bring about feelings of euphoria and general well-being.

If I literally can not do any type of physical activity. I meditate mindfully, so I try listening to my thoughts and I belly breathe. Or I listen to calming instrumental music and only focus on belly breathing. If a thought pops in my head I either say “I’m thinking about ...” out loud or to myself to notice I got distracted and to go back to doing my breathing. Or I imagine folding the memory or thought into a box and putting it safely away for later or I imagine in on a cloud drifting past me. Sometimes I imagine it becoming a rose and I light the rose on fire. You can come up with anything creative to passively and without judging to put your thoughts aside. I do this for 10-30+min until I’m satisfied or I just can’t do it anymore.

When I listen to my thoughts objectively it’s like I’m looking at the thoughts of my depression and this body. I remind myself if I can observe my own thoughts than that possibly means I’m not my thoughts and if I’m not my thoughts what am I? I think I’m the being or spirit behind the thoughts experiencing life. If I can say words in my head without using my mouth and without using my ears to hear it than how is that possible? My consciousness is behind everything I experience.

I try to not let my negative thoughts and perceptions pull me under. Doesn’t mean I win every time. Literally every other day I’m having an emotional swing because I’m trying but anxiety and depression can be so overwhelming and powerful. But healing doesn’t have to be feeling positive or feeling happy or doing something productive. Healing is listening to yourself and telling yourself in any way shape or form that you have worth and that you love yourself. You have to. You have to do it even if you don’t believe your own words.

We’ve told ourselves so many hurtful things in our mind and experienced situations that in our mind proved that we are worthless. Those things conditioned our mind to completely spiral or those things triggered a genetic component we have inside of us to be depressed. But remember: only you can know and tell yourself your worth. If you believe your life is pointless than your life is pointless. If you believe your life had potential than it has potential. If you believe that anything you put your mind to you’ll accomplish you’ll do it. Mindset is powerful. Fighting against depression is tiring but being careful to feed your mind with something uplifting can eventually change your automatic thinking that life sucks and I suck I hate my life and I can’t feel this anymore I can’t do it starts to turn into maybe I can be happy. Maybe my life won’t suck soon maybe my thoughts isn’t what my future will be like

It’s hard. It’s so hard but something inside of you wants to live it may just be 1% of you but it’s that 1% that keeps you alive this very moment. People die from depression; living with depression makes you stronger than someone who doesn’t even understand what it feels like to have it weighing on you nearly every day. Dealing with emotional and maybe physical symptoms that you push through. Each day tell yourself it’s a victory because you lived.

Here’s what I do

Whenever your mood is a little up write a list of as many reasons to continue pushing/living/trying and it can be as little as *”the sun feels nice on my skin and makes me feel good”* or it can be as big as *”I have a dream that I want to accomplish.* Looking back at that list helps so much because it’s your own handwriting, it’s a past version of yourself telling you *”it’ll be okay just look at what you have to look forward to. What you’re feeling is ok but don’t forget about these things that make you feel good”*

Writing everyday one thing I’m grateful for in a journal helps because I get to look back and see all the things I was grateful for in the month.

Doing minute gratitudes in the day is helpful: just looking at a blanket and saying out loud “I’m thankful I have something to keep me warm.” Or looking at your ceiling and saying out loud or in your head ”I’m grateful there’s a roof over my head.” Looking in the mirror at your reflection ... and saying “I’m grateful that this body protects me” or “I’m grateful I can see and understand that I’m alive. I have a consciousness while an animal like a dog can’t recognize their reflection I have the ability to see myself and find any type of meaning in life”Just take anything you see if you’re down and think about how you can be thankful for it. It can even be your hands for letting you be able to feel sensations, being able to hear music, you have legs to dance and move, a mouth to eat yummy food and to talk to the people you care about.

Tell yourself every morning when you see your reflection “I am enough”. That’s it. Say it as many times as you want or say it once. But look at your reflection into your own eyes for a moment and then say it. It makes it very personal and makes associate the words “I am enough” with yourself. Do it every day. And over time you’ll start to notice that you’re starting to feel more and more like you are actually enough.

The more and more I do gratefulness and self soothe it helps me do it more often and it improves my mood than if I didn’t do it.**

Be safe 💓 and don’t invalidate your depression or your own pain. Your body is feeling it it’s real. Soothe that pain and just try a little to feel better when you feel up to it. Don’t fall into the depression and even if you do you can always get back up when you can.

#self love #self help #self healing #mindfulness #self care #self improvement #healing #cptsd coping #ptsdsupport #mental health #recovery #relapse #mindfulawareness #magick #cptsdawareness #cptsdhealing #meditation #dpdr #spirtuality #spirtualhealing #law of attraction

[krsnbgirl]

Fly High! || Kageyama x Fem!Reader || Part 1

Summary: Attending Karasuno High School was your way of starting over and moving on from your injury in middle school. What you didn’t expect was to be pulled back into the world that you tried so hard to stay away from. Along the journey of recovery, you didn’t think you would grow close to Karasuno’s Boys Volleyball Team. Also falling in love with a certain setter was definitely something you didn’t expect at all. There’s one thing in common that you two share and that it’s wanting to fly as high as you can. 

Pairing: Kageyama Tobio x Fem!Reader

Genre: Rom-Com, Slice of Life, Sports 

Word Count: ~3.4k

Warnings: Slight swearing, smoking (for Ukai), Signs of Anxiety from Reader, Timeline heavily based on the anime

Author’s Note: Hello, hello lovelies! This is my first fanfiction for Haikyuu!! so please be easy on me ^^; Watching the series and anticipating for the next part of Season 4 has me wanting to write a series while waiting for it to come out. As you can see it’s based off of the anime, but I’m slowly getting through the manga! Let me know what you guys think and hope you all enjoy this! Also if you want me to start a taglist for this, let me know too hehe! xoxo, Ren  ❤

Part 1 || Part 2 || Masterlist 

It was a typical day at Karasuno High School as you made your way through the gates and towards your locker. There was still time before the first bell rang so you took your time reaching your destination, putting your hands into the pockets of your blazer. Your mind began to drift towards what you wanted for lunch that day since the new school week meant a new rotation of dishes to choose from. As you continued your way through the school, you noticed that the hallways were filled with more buzz than usual. Curiosity picked at you as you rested your hands behind your neck and tried to listen in on some of the conversations around you. Humming to yourself, you heard the latest gossip float by as your ears perked up at certain names you knew. 

“They made it through?” 

“Wait, they were that close?” “Were we they that good?” 

“So I guess they’re not The Fallen Champions anymore…” 

‘Ah…so that’s what everyone’s talking about.’ You thought as you turned a corner. 

Smiling to yourself, you finally reached your locker and began to change into your school shoes. Karasuno High’s boys volleyball team used to be its pride until their previous coach retired. The team lost its shine and you experienced first hand the toll it took on its members. They were left with no coach and the remaining upperclassmen on the team had to step up as coach in order to keep the club active. There was some hope for them when Coach Ukai returned and they were doing pretty okay but it was sad to see them go back to square one when their coach overworked himself and had to go into retirement once more. Now with recent changes, you were glad to hear that things were finally looking up for the boys. 

As you were going through your mental checklist for the day and braiding your hair to keep it out of your face, someone leaned against the lockers beside you. 

“Good morning (Y/N)-chan!” 

You looked behind your locker door to see who greeted you and gave your childhood and best friend a warm smile. 

“Yu-nii, how did the Inter High tournament go?” 

You arched an eyebrow as you noticed the dark look on his face and he grew silent. He was always so upbeat whenever you two were together, so something must have happened at their game. You sighed knowing that it was a habit of his whenever he grew frustrated or angry. Once you finished tying the elastic band at the end of your braid, you glared at him before flicking his forehead. 

“(Y/N)-chan, what was that for?!” he exclaimed and rubbed his forehead, pouting at you.. 

“Don’t let it get the best of you, nii-chan.” 

After closing your locker shut, you began to walk away and towards your classroom with Nishinoya falling into step beside you. He stuffed his hands into his pockets as he clenched his jaw, his mind filled with thoughts of their previous match. 

“If only you were there then you would’ve seen how cocky those bastards were. We were so close to beating them. Aoba Johsai ended up beating us by two points during the third set.” he grumbled. 

Your mind flashed back to your post practice conversations with Nishinoya whenever he was invited over for dinner. He was always so fired up whenever he talked about the teams he wanted to beat, especially Aoba Johsai. They were one of the top teams in their prefecture and he swore revenge after Karasuno went against them for a practice match. Looking back at Nishinoya and taking in his frustrated features, you gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze as you reached your classroom. He looked at you as you gave him an encouraging smile with a familiar determined glint in your eyes. 

Nishinoya’s eyes widened a bit as you tilted your head to the side with a cheeky smirk and said, “That just means you guys have to work twice as hard to beat them at the next tournament, right?” 

The familiar burning passion rushed through his bones as he met your eyes and you slightly nodded, giving him a knowing look.

“AHHH, YOU’RE RIGHT. WHAT AM I DOING JUST MUDDLING AROUND LIKE THIS, I NEED TO GET STRONGER. THANKS (Y/N)-CHAN, YOU’RE THE BEST!” he exclaimed. 

You chuckled underneath your breath as your fellow classmates gave him a weird look. With another scream he winked at you before running towards his own class. You playfully rolled your eyes with a small smile and watched him turn around with a new determined look on his face, smiling  brightly. “I’ll see you later (Y/N)-chan!” 

----

The bell for the day ended as you stretched your arms to relieve some of the stress from constantly writing notes. Your classmates greeted you as they walked past you and you took your time to gather your things. You weren’t popular in your grade, but you were well known to be that one person who easily got along with everyone and always lent a helping hand. You sighed to yourself as you slung your bag over your shoulder and took out your phone. Usually after school time was used to hang out with friends or attend club activities, but you decided that once you got to Karasuno that you would just take time for yourself. After what had happened to you in middle school, you wanted to make up for the lost time you didn’t put towards yourself. 

You hummed in thought as your phone began to buzz in the middle of scrolling through social media. Pressing the green button, you answered the phone and leaned against the wall by your classroom door.

“(Y/N)-chan, I know you’re probably busy right now but do you think you can stop by the gym?” 

“Eh? Kiyoko-san? Did you need anything?” 

“I wanted to talk to you about something, if you don’t mind. I would come to you but the boys are about to start practice, so would mind meeting me here?” 

“ I don’t know Kiyoko-san …” 

“Please? I just need to talk to you in person about this.” 

Based on Shimizu’s tone, you knew that this was going to be important and reluctantly agreed. With a groan, you shoved your phone into your pocket and went to meet up with your older friend. As you grew closer towards the gym, the familiar knotted feeling in your throat and stomach began to settle in. You slightly tighten your grip on the handles of your bag as Shimizu caught her eye and gave her a small smile. You followed Shimizu into the gym and a sense of familiarity crashed over you. The faint scent of salonpas filled the gym and the familiar sound of shoes squeaking against the court managed to calm you down for a bit. Two shouts disrupted your concentration and before you knew it, two boys were hugging you. 

“(Y/N)-chan, you finally decided to visit us! You’re so mean to have us wait for that long. You didn’t even come see me after school on your first day here.” Nishinoya pouted. 

“Yeah (Y/N)-chan, Nishinoya is right. We never thought you’d step back into the gym but here you are.” Tanaka smiled widely as he affectionately ruffled your hair. 

“Ryu-nii you’re going to ruin my hair and I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Kiyoko-san.” You  huffed before elbowing the both of them and made your way towards Shimizu who was standing by the bench on the side of the court.

The two boys’ eyes got teary-eyed and gave two thumbs up towards the girls and exclaimed, “That’s our Kiyoko-san!” 

“Um...Nishinoya-senpai who’s that?” Hinata asked as he and Kageyama went up to them. The four of them watched as the third years went up to greet the girls.

“Ah that’s right you haven’t properly met her yet. She’s (L/N) (F/N), my childhood friend. We grew up together since we live on the same street. I think you guys might have seen her since she’s in your grade.” Nishinoya said as he crossed his arms and gave them a proud smile. 

“Eh, she is?” Kageyama asked as he took a good look at her. He analyzed your looks and noticed that you had this welcoming aura around you. You were  laughing at something that Asahi said and casually looked towards their direction. Your eyes met his and he stiffened for a second. You smiled at him before turning your direction back to Asahi’s story about how he accidentally scared the first years with his hair down. 

“I don’t think we’ve ever crossed paths with her.” Hinata murmured as he tried to rack his brain to see if they had ever seen her in the hallways. 

“Ah maybe it’s because she’s in Class 5.” Tanaka piped in and the boys’ eyes went wide. 

“She’s in Class 5?!” they exclaimed. Kageyama’s eyes went back towards you and there was something about you that drew his attention. He wasn’t sure if it was the way that you carried yourself or if it was because you were in the college prep class.

Nishinoya and Tanaka burst out laughing, pointing their fingers at them. “She’s out of your league dudes. You guys are dumb.” 

“Well so are you two, so let’s get back to practice alright?” Daichi interrupted and put his hands on their shoulders. 

The four of them gulped as they noticed the look on Daichi’s face while Asahi and Sugawara joined to guide them back onto the court with the rest of the team laughing at their antics. 

You sighed to yourself as you watched the boys gather into a circle to start their stretching routine. It was true that it’s been a while since you stepped onto the court, much less the gym too. The court used to be a safe haven for you but now, you weren't sure how you felt being back on the floor. You weren’t going to lie yourself; it felt nice being back in a familiar setting after so long. After swearing to never be on the court again, there was a huge part of you screaming to just grab a ball and hit it. Shimizu gave you a comforting smile before tapping the empty spot next to her on the bench. 

“So what did you want to talk about, Kiyoko-san?” You asked as you sat down and turned towards her.

“After we came back from the Inter High tournament, Takeda-sensei called us into his office. He told us that we needed to start thinking about what our next step would be.” 

“Oh yeah, you guys are graduating soon…” you murmured as the both of you watched the boys began to do dives across the floor.

“As third years and being in charge of the team, we also needed to figure out what to do with the boys. And as you can see, there’s no one else to be in charge of them once I’m gone.” 

Your breathing hitched as you caught on to what Shimizu was asking you. You bit your lip and looked down at your lap. Fiddling with your hands, a sense of doubt began to wash over you. 

“Kiyoko-san, I know you mean well but I don’t know if I’m worth it.” 

“I know it’s been hard for you, but I saw the look on your face when you stepped into the gym. You still have the spark in your eye, (Y/N)-chan. And if there’s anyone I know that I can trust the club with, it would be you. You know what these boys are going through because you’ve been in their shoes before.” 

You pursed your lips as many thoughts began to race in your head and a short silence fell between you two. It’s true that volleyball was something that you loved with all your heart, but you knew you weren't ready to get back into it just yet. The familiar weighted feeling in your chest began to creep into you and in order to try to calm yourself down, you decided to distract yourself by concentrating on the boys. Your attention naturally gravitated towards the guy that you met eyes with. It was his turn to serve and your eyes widened as he had perfectly gotten the ball over to the other wide with a jump serve. 

“(Y/N)-chan, you don’t have to answer right away but at least take it into consideration.” Shimizu softly said as she gave her the form to fill out. 

You smiled at Shimizu for giving you time and grabbed the form. Looking down at it, you did feel a part of yourself wanting to fill out the form but the other part just hasn’t found the will to move forward. 

“Yeah...I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks for listening to me, (Y/N)-chan. You’re more than welcome to stay, I need to go find Takeda-sensei and discuss some things for their upcoming weekend training camp.” Shimizu smiled before patting your head and walking away. 

“Oi, (Y/N)-chan~ do you want to go home together? It’s been awhile since we’ve done that.” Nishinoya asked as the boys headed towards you for a water break after completing their warm up drills.

You looked up in thought and seeing that you had nothing better to do, you might as well make your best friend happy by staying. Plus you wouldn’t admit it out loud, but watching Nishinoya toss and hit the ball  made you feel like you were playing through him. You smiled at him and nodded. “I’ll just do homework while waiting for you then.” 

“Eh? So this is what Shimizu’s been up to. Boys we might have our future manager right in front of us!” Daichi smiled as he bent over and grabbed the form out of your hands. 

“Daichi, give that back to me!” You huffed as you stood up and Daichi immediately held the paper over his head. He laughed as he watched you jump around, trying to get the paper back. 

“Screw you guys for being so tall.” 

“Don’t you want to become our manager, (Y/N)-chan? It’d be a relief to know that the team is in good hands next year.” Asahi joined in as he slung his arm over Daichi’s shoulders and gave you a cheeky smile. They laughed as you blew some stray hairs away from your face.

“Eh? Manager?” Hinata asked as they all stared at you.

Rolling your eyes, you finally managed to snatch the form from Daichi and folded it before putting it into your pocket. You shrugged and said, “I don’t know yet.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know yet, you’d be perfect for it!” Tanaka claimed. 

“I think it would help you, (Y/N)-chan.” Nishinoya said as he gave her a pointed look. 

You scowled under Nishinoya’s gaze and Tanaka joined in on him trying to corner you. A vein popped out of the corner of your temple and Sugawara stepped in to diffuse the situation. You were just about to approach the two and give them a hard knock on the head, when you felt him tug the edge of your blazer.

“Now, let’s not forget that it’s her choice at the end of the day. Whatever your decision is Haya-chan, I’m sure these two idiots will support you either way.” 

You sighed in relief and  threw your arms around Sugawara’s waist sticking your tongue out at Tanaka and Nishinoya. 

“This is why I like you better than them, Suga.” You snickered. 

“Oh and who might this be?” 

Everyone turned around to see Coach Ukai step into the gym with Takeda-sensei and Shimizu. You and the boys bowed before Sugawara hugged you closer to him. 

“Coach Ukai, meet (L/N) (F/N), our possible new manager.” 

You sighed and slumped your shoulders. You should’ve known that Sugawara would also try to lock you in like the rest of the boys. Ukai looked at you and realized who you were right off the bat. He rubbed his chin in thought as you nodded in response. You shrugged and said, “I’m not sure yet but it’s nice to meet you.” 

“A-Ah yes, nice to meet you. Did Shimizu recruit you?” 

You nodded and Ukai smiled widely at her. “Well it’d be nice to have another person that can tame these boys so I hope you stop by frequently. Or better yet, become a part of the family here. I’m pretty sure you’ll easily fit in, hm?” 

A shiver went up her spine as Haya looked behind her to see the entire team giving her expectant smiles. Turning your attention back towards the faculty, you suspiciously looked at the coach after noticing his tone. Ukai met your gaze and he gave you a smirk. He shrugged and said, “We’ll talk later, kiddo. There’s some stuff I need to ask you.” 

Reluctantly, you agreed and started to grow annoyed with how everyone was staring at you. You sat back down on the bench and looked at Nishinoya for help. He sighed and started to push the team back onto the court.

“Alright boys, give it a break and let’s just continue with practice, alright?” 

You let out a relieved breath as the boys went for their jog and the others stepped outside to talk about the other things needed for the team. Having left to your own for a bit, you let yourself move by instinct. Your eyes landed on the stray volleyball that was by the bench and you picked it up. Walking up to the serving line, you bounced it a couple of times. Everything began to slowly disappear around you and faint cheers filled the background as your senses flashed back  to the day you played in the finals with Chidoriyama Junior High’s girl volleyball team. You were tied with your opponents and  it would’ve been the set point for your team. The ball was served and your team tried to spike the ball but it was received by your opponent. When it was your turn to spike the ball over the net once again, you had managed just barely to get the ball passed its block. Then before you knew it, you had landed wrong and pain began to shoot up your leg, right in the knee. You were on the floor curled up in a ball as everything began to slow down. and later found out she had torn her ACL. After the game came to an end and you went to the doctor for a proper check-up, it was then that you found out that you tore your ACL.

Clutching the ball in your hand, you took a deep breath and tried to calm yourself down. You were still going to therapy to strengthen your knee after getting surgery, but your return to fully playing was never going to happen in your  mind. You weren't going to lie to yourself though; having the ball in your hands once again felt nice. It made you happy as your body moved on its own. Twirling it in your palms, you felt yourself clock in on your concentration. Eyeing the other side of the court, you took a couple of steps back. Everything else was blocked from your sight as you zeroed in on the spot you wanted the ball to land. 

Without you knowing, the boys had already returned but Nishinoya and the third years stopped the rest of the team from interrupting you. They all watched as you tossed the ball up in the air before running towards it and did a jump serve. Their eyes widened as the ball easily landed on the other side and could have been considered an ace if you were playing in a real game. 

You hissed as you felt the familiar sting in your right knee and clenched your fists as you slowly walked back to the bench. 

“(Y/N)-SAN THAT WAS AMAZING!!” Hinata exclaimed. 

You gasped and turned around to see the boys looking at you with wide smiles. Hinata and Nishinoya were  already making their way towards you with bright smiles and arms spread wide to jump on you.

‘Uh oh...’  You thought as you felt them tackle you with a hug.

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #kageyama #kageyama x reader #kageyama x fem!reader #kageyama x y/n #haikyuu fanfiction #kageyama fanfiction #karasuno #nishinoya #kageyama x you #ukai #daichi #sugawara #ennoshita #tanaka #asahi #yamaguchi #tsukishima #shimizu #haikyū!! #kageyama fluff #haikyuu fluff #nekoma #kuroo #bokuto #akaashi #oikawa #hinata #fly high!

[teachingtales]

Migraines

I am writing this for those of you who:

don’t have migraines, but know someone who does and want to know more

don’t have migraines, but may develop them later

do have migraines and don’t really know how to tell other people about them, so you can find some phrases that may help here (or just link them)

My mother had migraines, and I never did. I remember asking her what it was like, and was told, “It’s like a really bad headache.” In no way did that prepare me for migraines. I started getting them after getting disabled in the Marines with neurological issues. I honestly thought I was having a brain aneurysm or something. Was I dying? Is there a parasite boring through my brain and trying to find its way outside of my skull? 

It turned out to be a migraine. 

Later on, I lost strength in my left side. I was confused, dizzy. Is this a stroke? I went to the veterans hospital. Nope, it’s “just” another form of migraine. Uh...cool?

What is a migraine?

Unlike regular headaches that have many causes, migraines are a neurological disorder. You may have another neurological disorder that also produces migraines, or your neurological disorder may produce migraines as the primary problem. Migraines affect about 10% of the population, making them the most common neurological disorder. 

How can I tell if I get migraines?

Being the giant nerd I am, I looked up the etymology of the word and it comes from Greek. The original word is “hemikrania”, with “hemi” as “half” and “kranion” is “skull”, and you can see that over time the “he” part was dropped off. 

While there are lots of different symptoms of a migraine, this is actually one of the most defining symptoms...that’s probably why they chose this name. The head pain will happen only in half of your skull, either the left side or right side. A single migraine event can switch sides, but they won’t hurt at the same time. I usually get migraines on my left side, but occasionally they happen on the right instead. I’d say it’s about 95-5 for the split. 

A friend asked me if having them on the right side was any better or worse, and it’s a great question. The answer is: they still suck the same way, just on the other side. Although I will say that they’re almost worse in a way, because I have my habits to compensate for my left-side migraines and have to alter all of those habits. It’s not terribly annoying, objectively-speaking, but when you’re in the middle of a migraine it is annoying.

If you experience severe pain on half of your head, see a doctor. You probably are having a migraine.

What is it like to have a migraine? What are the symptoms?

This is what I wish I knew going into them. The pain severity can be “oh this really sucks” to “aslasfoiafjagjglkagnlgfjajwoi”, and I use that keyboard smash because when the pain is severe you can barely talk. Think of getting a brain freeze. You know how you stop doing everything to address the pain in your head that’s suddenly there? Imagine that level of pain for several hours. This is what it’s like to have a severe pain migraine. You can’t think of anything else, you can’t even sleep. 

While “really frickin’ bad head pain” is what most people know about for a migraine, there really are tons of other symptoms. As a neurological condition, it can cause syptoms like:

nausea and vomiting

diarrhea 

diarrhea and vomiting together

sudden dizziness (for anyone that’s been blackout drunk, it’s like that period right before you black out, where you’re really dizzy), and you end up walking in a swaying motion, sometimes falling down or falling into walls...it really looks like you’re drunk

loss of coordination, so it’s hard to do things like open a small package or tie your shoes

loss of strength in arm, hand, leg, and/or foot, making it difficult to walk

change in perception of temperature, including wild swings between shivering shaking cold and sweating hot

sensitivity to everything: lights, smells, sounds, tastes, touches...all of these increase the symptoms you’re already feeling

confusion or “brain fog”, which lead to things like you losing your train of thought mid-sentence, forgetting what you’re doing while you’re doing it, inability to focus, difficulty talking

slurred speech (sounds like you’re quite drunk)

suddenly feeling incredibly tired

slipping into sleep  without warning when seated or lying down (not great during commutes on the bus or subway)

changes in vision, such as blurred vision, changes in color perception, seeing “auras” around things, missing one eye’s vision, or having chunks of your vision missing

Sometimes you know when you’re about to get a migraine. This is called “prodrome”, but since most people don’t know this term I just call it a “starter migraine” or “I’m on the edge of a migraine.” If you can catch yourself in this period, you may be able to prevent the migraine with medication. The prodrome period depends on the person and takes a while to get used to, and you won’t always get them. Sometimes you just HEY MIGRAINE, sometimes you wake up and already have a migraine. You’re not guaranteed any prior warning. 

The opposite is the “postdrome”, which I just call the “after-effects of the migraine” because most people don’t know what “postdrome” is. As you can see from the symptoms, it’s quite intense. As a result, you’re left exhausted, drained, sometimes sore, and often feeling a bit vulnerable, like anything you do will cause you pain or bring the return of the migraine. Even though the migraine is over, you still can’t get back to your normal activities. It depends on the person, but it can be quite common to experience the postdrome. As with the prodrome, you may not have this. 

What triggers a migraine?

What is so frustrating about migraines is that there are so, so many triggers, and they’re often inconsistent. Sometimes, they’re even opposing. 

caffeine can help during a migraine, but too much caffeine without having a migraine can trigger a migraine; and sometimes caffeing during a migraine makes it worse

chocolate can trigger a migraine but I personally have not experienced this

strong cheeses can trigger a migraine, but as with chocolate I never experienced this

 low blood sugar due to skipped meals can trigger a migraine 

too much sugar can trigger a migraine

changes in air pressure 

changes in humidity

dehydration

too much exercise 

not enough exercise

moving around too much

too much lying down or sitting

stress is a common trigger

cold, such as cold weather or cold items touching the skin

running/jogging

bright lights, especially flashing lights

loud sounds of any type (human, booming sounds, construction)

vomiting also can trigger migraines, such as if you’re sick with something else or if you have bulimia

being sick with another illness can stress out the body to trigger a migraine

I’ve had relatives ask if I can “just move to another place” to avoid things like storms, and that’s not an option. While stormy, rainy weather is a common trigger, so is bright sunshine (especially if dehydrated)...which rules out most of the world during summertime. 

I was enjoying Avengers: Endgame until I realized that the sounds and light were hurting, and I was shoved into one of the worst migraines I’ve had. I had no prior warning, I otherwise had felt fine that day, but after a couple hours of loud booming noises coupled with bright flashes, it triggered a migraine. 

As you can see, this is really a difficult thing to manage. Some people get rare or occasional migraines, but people like me have chronic migraines. “Chronic migraines” are classified as “having at least 15 per month”, but in my case I will get them daily if I don’t take my medication and do my best to avoid all these triggers. Just this morning, I woke up around 06:30 and a couple hours later a migraine came because of the weather so I went to take a nap, but that made the migraine worse because I was lying down too much. I woke up in more pain and had to go for a walk (after taking my noon medication) for it to try to subside. 

What are the treatments for migraines?

No matter which route you take, you will always have to do your lifestyle changes. This means making sure you have plenty of water, don’t skip meals, manage stress, etc. 

You can take medication. I have medication I take a few times a day, and another one I take for when I feel a migraine breaking through. If that also fails, I take an injection at home. 

You can take supplements. There are things like butterbur, magnesium, catnip, ginger, and other things. Look online and include the words “migraine study” with the supplement name. This way you can see how effective it was, and the dosage. Check the company as well to see if they’re reputable. In places like the USA, supplements are not regulated so companies may put other ingredients instead. You can also make extracts or teas with things like catnip and ginger. Send a PM if you want to know how to do that. It’s easy. 

You can get Botox. I haven’t tried this but some people swear by it. The price was out of my range and I was told that it would impede my range of motion; since I lift weights, I didn’t want to deal with that. My regular doctor told me that my migraines are managed “well enough” with medication and I can’t expect any better with Botox; in other words, it’d be a waste of my money. But if you are having problems managing yours with medication, then see if Botox works for you. 

Other treatments for migraines include:

resting in a dark room

sunglasses or yellow-lens glasses

ice pack on the pain area (or a cold pillow)

stretching (but this can increase pain in some cases)

going to sleep

drinking water

drinking caffeine (coffee, energy drink, green tea, any source is fine)

eating a small meal if you haven’t eaten yet; preferably something with sugar, like fruit or fruit juice

binaural beats (this is my sound-video of choice, but be careful because there’s a loud “BING” type of sound at the beginning)

no screen time 

removing strong smells (such as cleaning the cat’s litter box if it has feces or urine)

not eating anything with a strong flavor, and avoid spicy food

don’t wear a bra

don’t wear anything tight/snug around your waist or upper body, to include: tight waistbands, pantyhose, snug belts, corsets. If you need a belt, wear it looser than normal

If I’m at work and having a vomiting + head pain type of migraine, I will make myself a mix of electrolyte drink (like Powerade) + an energy drink and sip it. This helps get some caffeine and helps wake me up a bit, plus it helps re-hydrate me. 

Not a treatment, but apparently if you get migraines as a child or teen, finishing puberty can somehow result in your migraines stopping, so that’s cool, but it doesn’t always happen because migraines are apparently a gift from some kind of trickster deity.

Are migraines dangerous?

Chronic migraines can unfortunately increase your risk of stroke in your forties. 

Chronic vomiting, if you get this as a common symptom, can have a negative impact on your teeth and muscles...including your heart. If you get chronic vomiting, ask your doctor about any supplements (like potassium or magnesium) that they can prescribe to help mitigate the muscle issues. Wash your mouth out with water after vomiting (this is what my dentist recommended...I asked about baking soda, but they said to just do water. Do not brush your teeth because it can do more damage, but if the post-vomit taste in your mouth is going to trigger more vomiting, gargle with mouthwash or drink some juice).

I don’t get migraines but know someone who does. How can I help?

You are a beautiful person for wanting to help. How you help depends on where you are...you can’t lie down and take a nap when you’re at the grocery store, for example. Ask the person what they need, and remind them that it’s okay to sit down or stay home. We’ll often feel guilty about having to cancel plans, so let them know it’s okay. 

If it’s around a meal time, bring them something kind of bland that they can pick at. This can include hard boiled eggs (peeled and cut into quarters or halves), sliced bananas, peeled/shelled nuts, rice balls, cooked potato pieces (chips, crisps, french fries, roasted potato cubes), small pieces of cooked chicken breast, bread that has been cut into cubes, cubed or sliced apple or pear. 

Be prepared to make an ice pack, which needs to be wrapped in a small towel. Some people have never used an ice pack before and you cannot put it on your skin directly. It needs to be wrapped in a small towel or shirt. If you don’t have an ice pack, frozen vegetables/fruit in an unopened package works. If not, put ice cubes into a zipper baggie and then wrap that in a cloth. If you have a loved one who gets migraines and visits often, buy a small ice pack to keep at your home. This is a pouch with a gel in it, and it is quite inexpensive. You can find them at pharmacies or large stores with a pharmacy section. 

In closing, migraines suck and I’m sorry if you get them. Please have some memes I made.

I thought I had more but I guess not or I forgot where I put them. Feel free to share or ask questions.

#teacher #teaching #student #students #migraine #migraines #chronic migraine #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #spoonies #cfs #neurology #neurological #disability #pain #migraine meme #adulting

[nightswithkookmin]

I loveeeee the way ur brain works and i like all ur posts and love reading them. Its Jimin day today and i wont lie that i am feeling a bit sad about whole JK not posting on JM bday because he was getting active on Social media again and i thought its because of JM bday coming soon but i hope they are happy and JM had a blast celebrating his bday.. it annoys me how other ship( u know which ship) is happy and making fun about this situation and calling Jikook bond fake and nonexsistant. 1/2

Ahhhhhh this topic!

Also me:

Packing my bags off these shipping streets. Jk don disgrace us. Lol. Kidding. If more than anything today has solidified my faith in JK and Jikook and while y'all are jumping ship imma hold the fort. Hashtag Jikook for life!

I've been receiving a lot of questions about this, about JK not posting for JM's birthday and I haven't answered any of them because- well I passed out. So...

Anywho,

Jk didn't post true, but have you thought about what it would have meant for him and JM if he had posted?

Now I see a lot of people running through the ship streets shouting Jikook broke up, something was off between them, Jikook was never real, jikook this- Jikook that- y'all need to calm your horses or I swear to God!

I mean I am down for all that wild gossip and angst but I think y'all is tripping.

Do I think they are in a bad place, HELL NO. Do I think they are not real? HELL NO! Do I think JK don lost his minds? ABSOLUTELY.

Lol

No but seriously, I'm fascinated by all of this. I'm in pain, can't process shit but when it comes to Jikook I'm always intrigued and fascinated by them.

I'm mostly fascinated by why JK pulled a 5/8, geared up for JM's birthday but then posts crickets on Jimin's birthday as you've said.

Is it me or does this whole thing feel like the tattoo girl scandal all over again? Lmho.

Up until now, I've avoided addressing Asks about Jikook coming out, JK proposing and stuff like that because those territories are a bit tricky for me- to speculate on those, I find I'd have to speculate on whether marriage is something both of Jikook want, whether both of Jikook want to come out but these are conversations I don't think y'all are ready for with me.

Not when I believe one of them, if you've been following my train of thoughts you'd know which, is not ready to make such commitments, joking about marriage and shit- yes, that tiny man. Lol.

I mean the backlash I get for the tamer things I share on here- chilee, y'all is about to eat me up for this. Here goes nothing. Mama pray for me.

I have said, late 2018 to the middle of 2019 is one of the moments I sincerely felt JK was going to 'out' Jikook just based on the way he was moving through that era until that impromptu hiatus and the following scandal.

Out Jikook as in OUT Jikook- I've told y'all Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother. JK has been asserting himself and part of that self assertion ties in with his sexuality. He is tired of hiding. He's been tired since 2016- trouble this one.

Do I think JM is ready to come out- No. He doesn't want to come out but he doesn't want to hide hide either. Dude just want to stay in that glass closet.

Throughout my posts, I've speculated this has been a huge part of their on and off dynamics since November last year. Jk coming off too strong, JM asking for space- yall know don't make me repeat myself.

November 2019 up until today is also one such periods I felt JK was going to out Jikook, inspite of all the ups and downs they've experienced this season.

JK scares me to be honest with you. I keep saying people are looking at him wrong. Hell, people are looking at Jikook dynamics wrong I feel.

All the times Jikook have almost been accidentally outed, who's been the most terrified? It's not JK.

Jimin's face when RM said JK sneaks into JM's bed at night, his face when they walked into JK's room on Bon V and saw the cameras. I have an entire dissertation on this on my wall please get with it. Lol

Whatever silent protest JK's been on since JM's birthday last year- Not gonna lie, I felt JK was not posting for the others so he could post on JM's birthday this year as a way of coming out with him? You know, make a bold statement like he's done over the years? I'm delusional but also dead serious.

Each time I feel JK's come close to this pivotal moment, something's happened. I swear Jikook is taking years off my life- I'm exhausted.

Why is he trying to out their relationship on his own and not do that with the consent of Jimin? I'm gonna pray to God, y'all can read my mind with everything I have been saying since my posts because this is cutting it too close for me- and I'm exhausted so maybe another post next time.

Like I've said, I really believe they are in a good place this time around. Y'all know me, I don't shy from angst, I'd say if I felt there's been something off with them since they fixed whatever they were going through early half of the year.

The only tension I've sensed between them lately was on day two of the online concert when JM got a little too excited with trying to sell the sexual tension fantasy in his other ships and JK didn't look like he was happy about.

Later during the curtain call you could see dude cold stoning JM resulting in JM doing what he does best in such instances- clinging on to JK for their life. Lol.

He vanished from Namjoon's side real quick to take the bow next to JK but JK- Y'all check that moment out for yourself, see what I'm talking about.

Is that why he didn't wish Jimin a happy birthday? I don't think so. I think he put a lot of thought and preparation towards this moment to make something like this undo all of that- that is if my suspicions about what he was trying to do this year is right.

Jimin gone wake up married one of these days he won't know what hit him! Lmho.

It is why, I don't buy this whole he didn't post for the others which is why he didn't post for Jimin narrative. When have you known Jk to care about things like these?

The man literally got a birthday present for Jimin gave it to him in the presence of some of the members without doing same for them. Singling JM out like this is nothing new to him. He has done so consistently over the years to let this deter him.

The question y'all should be asking is why he didn't post for the others in the first place. They are all friends and posting for eachother's birthdays is a long standing tradition in BTS so why is he breaking from this culture all of a sudden?

Is he rebelling? Is he protesting? What is he trying to do? Right?

This moment has been building up since last year after JM's birthday and I honestly believed he was going to go through with it- hell I bought a wedding dress and shit- Jikook you son of bish!

I have said the company is giving them much room to be themselves, RM isn't breathing down their necks, JM looked like he was finally committed- everything looked great between them in my opinion except perhaps for the growing tensions between JK, V and Namjoon- If you've been paying any attention to their recent Twitter war.

I hate speculating based on nothing, so I'm just going to point out to you my observations without drawing conclusions- I'll share my thoughts on what these moments means when I've had more content to peruse and analyze from now- but for now you can make of it what you will:

1. JK starts a count down on Twitter, JM responds and continues the countdown.

Now I clocked, the moment JK posted this on the 5th that he had something up his sleeves with regards to Jimin which I shared with y'all. He was going for a 5/8/13 it's not news now.

2. After Jimin posts day 4 for the countdown, who ever was going to post after him was going to have to post day 3 to continue the countdown right? But Tae posts a V-cut instead breaking that chain.

Now I remember joking about this moment with a friend, rolling my eyes exclaiming, here they go again! V is trying to sabotage JK yet again, and he'd turn around and ask why their friendship is dwindling. The pettiness and passive aggressiveness of it all!

That moment reminded me of when he called JK out for attempting to eyefuck JM through the viewfinder in the Dynamite MV reaction video. Remember that? Same energy to me.

They do shit like this and their shippers will not take note but will turn around and act surprised when we say Taekook ain't all that- rolling my eyes.

3. Hobi continues the countdown with day 3 and RM posts something random the next day but I think it was to neutralize the Taekook shenanigans. Neutralizing is what RM does best- we been knew.

4. Jk posts his Savage Love cover on the 8th and equally doesn't partake in the countdown he himself initiated because- Savage.

5. Suga posts day 2. RM and Jin posts day 1 and Tae posts D-Day on the D day to promote the concert. Yadda yadda yadda.

Now I didn't think much of this moment to be honest- i merely took a mental note of it for future reference, and was paying close attention to their interactions at the concert- which we will talk about soon..

I didn't make much of this bit until VJoonKook became a hold out on Jimin's birthday. They were the last three to post, two of whom ended up not posting at all for Jimin"s birthday- fucking traitors.

It was at this point I felt compelled to put on my tinfoil hat. And reevaluate the situation.

Why were these three people the same trio engaged in that little squabble just a few days ago on the timeline? I wondered.

It felt as if Taekook were engaged in a Russian Roulette racing the clock while Joonie stood by waiting to neutralize whatever shit those two were going to pull on the timeline.

Call me delusional but I felt JK was going to post, Tae was going to try to one up him with a ridiculous post or counter his post- V and his fucking VMin agenda! Lmho

RM was going to end up mirroring whatever JK was going to post to neutralize it as per usual- leave me alone. I said I'm delusional. Let me be. Lol.

There's just a lot going on all at once and it's easy to lose sight of subtle moments like these when they happen.

Like Jimin saying he would be on VLive soon, which first of all- yay!

Y'all know I've been keeping my eyes on the app, most especially how the members are going to use it post IPO, post Soop- I have a lot of questions; will they be monitored like they were in May? Will they be able to have intimate interactions with the fans like before?

Y'all know my theory about Jikook and the VLive stuff so I'll leave it there.

Now as for what this moment here means, I think it's a humbling experience for all of us but mostly for Jimin-JK you sonova bish! Lol

Jimin is the one who loves to flex his bond and relationship with JK, he loves to show off their relationship. He is the one who's been called all sorts of names under the sun just because of his relationship with JK- even if they are friends.

None of the members have suffered and paid a price for their relationship with JK the way Jimin has throughout the years. It is why I hate it when people compare the others to him. Even if it placates you and lessens your insecurities please don't.

I'm not pressed about no ship wars. Hell, I often start one myself- what? fun.

I'm worried for Jimin mostly.

I think JK more than anyone knows how this looks. Which is why I really don't think this is what he was aiming for all along. To make Jimin look this way- again not to say JM is better than the others he didn't post for.

I don't know what's going on with JK now but I am not about to tell you this moment is nothing. It is not nothing.

I know people want to console themselves with the whole my partner don't gotta show off on social media on my birthday to show he loves me- please shut up. Or may be don't. Y'all con shippers confound me.

This is Jikook here, showing is an integral part of their dynamics. Isn't that why people call them a fanservice ship? Because they show so much? Because they do so much?

Jikook like to show off their bond, they like claiming eachother, they like reassuring eachother and I'm sorry but Park Jimin's father set such high standards for his son's birthday for anyone who claim they love him to pull stunts like this. Do y'all know Jikook at all?! I have to ask.

Jimin loves to be treated like he is different and special. It's his love language. We know this, BTS knows this, JK knows this- don't make excuses for JK if at the very least you can't see what he was trying to do here.

Even if you don't think they are a couple they are best friends- at the bare minimum. It doesn't take more than a few seconds to login and wish a friend a happy birthday- Hobi made four and he is not dating Jimin. Just saying.

You can't yell Jikook show us a lot hence there's no need for wild theories and assumptions and bully people who come up with wild theories and then in the same breath say they don't have to openly show us they care about eachother for them to be real- Y'all are going to ship by faith now? Chileee.

I have said JK likes to retract and conceal and only shows what he chooses to show and this was his choice. It's as simple as that. He chose not to post.

He didn't do it because of no damn other members.

He occupies a huge space in JMs life to not know what this moment says about him and his highly publicized relationship with Jimin- chileee, whatever did park Jimin do to you, JK?! Jesus Christ!

Havent heard of a betrayal this grand since the birth of Judas Iscariot- Judas is that you? Lmho.

I joke but I don't find this funny at all. Bless them.

It's one thing to not post for the others, but it's different for Jimin. And this is not to say the others don't matter to JK, they do. He's called them all family but then again he hasn't placed any one of them on a pedestal the way he's placed Jimin on a pedestal now has he? So we cannot assume Jimin means the same to him as the others mean to him.

Isn't that why we ship them?

Personally, I'm hurt by all of this. It hurts me that some people are going to use this as an excuse to tease and bully Jimin, call him a liar, call into question the years of friendship between Jikook, call into question any future interactions between them- I don cried my eyes out all day for Jimin but also for JK.

It hurts that I have to defend JK and Jikook to anyone. The task wasn't easy before all of this- not that anybody sent me. Who died and made me their spokesperson. Chileee

But please let's not dismiss this moment or belittle it. It's monumental- to me anyway.

JK was on to something I'm just curious to know what stopped him this time around. I want to know if he plans on not posting at all for anyone in the future. How long is he going to keep at it?

He's tried to out them twice. Will he do it again? How is he going to do it? What is Jimin going to do if indeed this is what JK had been planning, how is this going to affect their dynamics- I'm excited for their journey however it goes.

It's their journey unauthored. I'm just here to observe and report- and may uWu while I'm at it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we gotta ask ourselves, had JK posted anything at all today knowing full well he hasn't posted at all for anyone in the group all year, that what would that have meant for their relationship? What message would that have sent?

While we lament about this moment, let's also take a minute to ponder over what this moment might have signified if JK had actually posted.

Everything he did in the days leading up to Jimin's birthday pointed to the fact he was definitely going to post. To me it felt he was gonna come out. He was. And if he had done it- my god!

JK isn't my favorite person right about now. He can go ahead and step on leggos. No kithes for him🙄

But I have faith in him. Always. He's consistently shown and proven his love and loyalty for Jimin through out the years. You don't nibble on a man's ear in front of sixty thousand people, to find posting a simple message on his birthday tedious. This is Jikook. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

I wish I could tell yall, this moment means nothing, that JK not posting is not a big deal but I can't. This moment is everything.

Signed,

GOLDY

#jikook #jikook theories #kookmin analysis #jikook analysis #kookmin #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #jikook is real #ask goldy #ask response #ask about jikook #goldy #nightswithkookmin #jikook scenarios

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! I'm a huge fan of your work and deeply enjoying FFS rn, it really shows the love and care you've put into this world and characters and it's an amazing read 🥰🧡

Idk if you've actually answered this question before or if it's a bit too much? So feel free to skip it. Do you have any advice on how to write a therapist and sessions with them? And to go along with that, a therapist&patient relationship that doesn't feel inauthentic but that's a healthy one?

I've had to visit both psychiatrists and psychologists a couple of times along my life, which has almost always been a positive experience to me, but when I get down to business and want to write a character going to therapy, I fall into a bunch of the psychoanalytic clichés US films have hammered us down with, even if I'm not from an Anglophile country!

Thanks a bunch in advance!! Ilu, have a nice start of the year🧡✨

Hiya anon!

I have a few thoughts about writing therapy sessions so I’m just going to put them down in no particular order.

Firstly, I don’t actually think it’s always a good idea to write therapy in stories, and a lot of the time I avoid writing it even when a character is actively seeing a therapist. This is particularly true in The Wind that Cuts the Night where all we see of Alex and his therapist are snippets, and nothing more than that, because therapy sessions would slow down the pacing, focus and value of the story.

Where possible, characters don’t see therapists, but talk to people in a way that is therapeutic, usually with love interests or members of the ensemble cast (Augus and Fenwrel in The Court of Five Thrones, Jack and Eva in The Golden Age that Never Was, Jack and North in From the Darkness We Rise/Into Shadows We Fall, Cullen and Cassandra, Cullen and Bull in Stuck on the Puzzle). All of those characters need therapy, but writing therapy sessions tends to slow down the pace of a fic pretty dramatically, and even I had misgivings about writing Efnisien’s sessions with Dr Gary at first because I’m acutely aware of the fact that:

1. Therapy sessions can be draggy and boring 2. They often take away important emotional realisations from other characters, ruining potential hurt/comfort and character relationship development moments with your actual cast / love interests 3. Fiction is meant to be fiction, not reality. 4. A lot of therapy sessions are actually not that interesting to sit in or write or observe, which is why writers do often find themselves falling into certain cliches while writing them to make them more interesting. Even I cut out huge chunks of sessions to get to the more interesting parts, lol. 5. You can write a character going to therapy without writing the therapy. You can just choose to have the character remember bits and pieces of the session later as it’s relevant to their life. 6. Therapy is different for everyone, and some readers (myself included) don’t enjoy reading it when the therapy is a kind that doesn’t resonate or feel right.

So you really need to ask yourself why you want to write therapy specifically, because a lot of the time it gets boring or - as you point out - falls into cliched territory. Writing a character going to a doctor a lot in detail for regular injections is boring. Writing them thinking about how they have to do this in brief while their love interest is sympathetic to them getting those injections is more interesting. Writing a character suffering from an illness that they need regular injections for, with their love interest comforting them? Interesting.

Falling Falling Stars is a unique fic in that Efnisien has no one before he meets Arden, except for Dr Gary and Gwyn. If you’re writing an FFS style fic, writing therapy sessions might be appropriate. It might be worth really thinking about the kind of fics you want to write, why you want to write therapy, how that will affect your pacing, etc.

If you’re still dead set on writing therapy sessions, then I have some suggestions re: writing more realistic/healthy therapy and how to find that knowledge yourself, and I don’t really know how to shorthand some of it:

1. Get books on therapy that are designed for the therapist. These are often expensive, but sometimes libraries stock them - and university libraries in particular will often have photocopy abilities (or you can just photograph the pages you need) because these books look at how sessions should be structured. Books with case studies are ideal, since they often show dialogue chains between the client and therapist. Books that obviously deal with the mental illnesses you’re planning on writing about are the most ideal.

2. With a view to this, learn about different therapeutic modalities (for example are you trying to write psychology or psychoanalysis or both? Are you writing social work? Are you writing cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, expressive therapies, narrative therapy, transcendental therapy?) Be aware that different modalities have different session structures and learn what they are. Wikipedia is your friend, but your closest friend will be actually acquiring textbooks on the subject. This is a pretty significant financial barrier at times, I’ve been collecting books like this on psychology since like 1997.

3. Learn about your character’s mental instabilities that require them to go to a therapist and then look up the most recommended forms of therapy for your character’s specific issues. Will they suit your character? Why/why not? Will they have a therapist who realises and switches modality if it doesn’t suit? Or will they be lucky and find someone who helps them straight away?

4. All therapy sessions have a structure to them. And therapy often has a narrative arc through the course of therapy over many sessions. They should generally have the attempt at a beginning (greeting / setting up the problem to be discussed), middle (highlighting the source of conflict or inner conflict) and end (helping the client to focus on less stressful things, possible homework assigned, and potentially talking about future work/sessions). Learn this structure. Even if you’re not writing the whole session, you need to know where in the session you’re writing, beginning/middle/end will be different tonally. Structures will be different per therapeutic modality, and a therapist that knows many different modalities (like Dr Gary) will often be using slightly different structures each time depending on the character’s mood/issue.

5. In a healthy therapist/client relationship there will be the ability to discuss boundaries, grievances and the therapist won’t be revealing much about their personal life at all (unless anecdotally it’s super relevant and even then it will be deliberately vague). This is one of those things that will - in many cases - make for more boring sessions on the page, depending on the ‘client.’ For example, if you’re writing someone seeing a therapist for the first time, it might realistically take months or years before they start showing progress or trust. That’s not interesting (there’s a reason ‘therapy fiction’ isn’t a genre), so of course it’s tempting to shortcut into more dramatic moments.

*

I would say if you’re finding yourself leaning towards more cliched or dramatic forms of writing re: therapy, your writing brain may sense that the entire scene/s may not be suited to the story, and is trying to find a way to make them more interesting to yourself and the reader. If that’s not the case, then a lot more research is needed! It’s time to sink many hours into actually understanding what you’re trying to write. This doesn’t matter as much if you’re writing unrealistic or unhealthy therapy, but it’s 100% necessary when you’re trying to write healthier therapy depictions.***

Also a couple of sessions of experience is a start, but you might want to watch or find a way to watch more therapy sessions, because you’ve missed out on experiencing longer arcs, different modalities etc. (This is where my hands on experience with 19 therapists since 1995 is actually really helpful, lmao - I’ve had close to like 800~ sessions by now, with good and bad therapists; I cannot pretend that hasn’t given me a knowledge base that most people don’t share). You can still learn that stuff via research, MedCircle on Youtube is a good place to start, since it offers 30 minute snapshots on what CBT and DBT sessions will look like etc. and has some great playlists.

Most fics I’ve read don’t do a great job of depicting therapy, but the Babes!verse series by @rynfinity has probably some of the most realistic and still really interesting sessions I’ve read as an ongoing arc. The series is long, because it needs to be re: what it’s dealing with, but it’s great, and I definitely recommend looking at another example of how an author tackles these sorts of scenes. Out of the Mouths of Babes / The March of the Damned are the two intertwined series.

I apologise if this sounds discouraging overall, or daunting, but I just want to stress there’s a reason that I’m often not writing therapy in my writing, as anything more than the occasional scene with a non-therapist, or snapshots that are reflected on and that’s it. Falling Falling Stars is the exception to the rule, and unless you’re writing an exception to the rule as well, it’s really worth reflecting on the first six points I wrote - it’ll save you a fuckton of time and research. And if you go ahead with it, I wish you well! :D

*** Also disclaimer: But I still am writing very indulgent therapy that is not beholden to being either a 100% healthy or 100% realistic depiction. The fact is, real therapy sessions are pretty boring for observers except for maybe ten or twenty minutes in the middle at times.

(ETA: It’s just occurred to me that therapy fiction does exist, esp. in the mass media, but that it is - afaik - all unrealistic, dramatised or unhealthy. But if you want to watch a great show - I highly recommend In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne, just by aware that it is depicting, for the most part, unhealthy dynamics which are more character studies than anything).

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on psychology #it's even worth being away that clinical psychologists often frown on psychoanalysts #and psychoanalysts often frown on the rigidity of clinical psychology curriculums lol #dr gary works within both schools and is a bit of a rebel in that sense #anyway yeah like #even i was really wary of writing too much dr gary #and only really gave into it indulgently #when people revealed they were enjoying those scenes and dr gary himself #but like #i would hate him as a therapist #he's pushy and sometimes pretty impatient #even what i write re: therapy #is not necessarily a reflection on what a real life person would experience #in the same circumstances #Anonymous

[charliesradiodemon]

Arranged Marriage (Part 6)

Part 1  Part 5

(Ping reminders for: @ariloucii @wargraymon0709 @in-to–deep @norski28 @the-red-milk @seekerbea @aclusterfuckofeverything If you want a ping reminder, comment, reply or dm me!

I’m amazed with the amount of people who like my fic and honestly I didn’t think this would go far haha Thank you all for your support and contributions for the Charlastor community!

EDIT 3/17/2020: I have rewritten this chapter and will continue to do so with the rest!)

Part 6

Charlie woke feeling incredibly well rested. It may have been due to her emotionally taxing day yesterday, but she somehow slept through the whole night without issue. A part of her felt guilty for how well she slept, but it also made her feel silly for thinking so. 

With a sigh, she turned onto her side as she recounted her day yesterday. Through her painful day, Alastor of all people was there to comfort her in his own strange way. 

He even promised to stay until she fell asleep, just as she had asked. Charlie half expected him to brush her off, especially after his odd reaction to her near-touch. But surprisingly enough he agreed. And as a man of his word, he indeed stayed until she drifted off to sleep. Her face warmed as she also remembered how she’d held onto his hand as he sat beside her. 

It was Saturday, a free day at the hotel, and one of Charlie’s only days off. Saturday was a day for the sinners of the hotel to do as they wished- preferably inside the hotel’s walls. It was a day of self reflection to allow the sinners to pick up their own hobbies and put in their own effort toward redemption. Being in hotel at all times kept them out of trouble and focused on rehabilitation, but they were also allowed to leave and do as they please. 

As for Charlie, she’d use the day to talk to whoever stuck around the hotel and plan the coming week’s activities. At the end of the day she’d normally watch a movie or binge a series with Vaggie, but it might not be the best idea considering the recent events around them. Besides her assumed broken tradition with Vaggie, today should be no different. She’d been living with this schedule for half a year now and she planned to stick to it. 

With a determined huff and and smile, Charlie sat up in bed. But as she did so, she noticed a familiar red figure at the other end of the room and froze. It was Alastor.

“He stayed the night.” Charlie whispered to herself. She scooted off the bed and fixed her nightgown before quietly walking up to the motionless form on her couch.

Sure enough it was Alastor, sitting upright, legs and arms crossed, a small close-lipped smile and his eyes closed. Had she not seen how slowly he breathed, Charlie would have assumed he was awake and waiting. Charlie leaned over and got close. ‘I guess even Alastor needs to sleep.’ She mused in her head. She’d never seen him sleep before and she’d never seen him so still and peaceful either. He was usually bouncing with energy and enthusiasm whenever he was around her.  

“Can I help you Charlie?” Alastor asked suddenly. Alastor’s bright red eyes shot open and stared straight back at the demoness.

“HOLY-“ Charlie jumped back immediately and nearly tripped on the rug, sending her limbs flailing about as she caught herself from tumbling. 

Alastor chuckled and rested his elbow on the armrest. He plopped his head on his open palm and watched Charlie try to calm herself. “Sorry if I startled you sweetheart, but watching people sleep is quite rude you know!” He grinned widely and continued to chuckle.

After collecting herself, Charlie took a few deep breaths to calm herself. “No, I’m sorry. I woke you up and I was… being kinda weird…” she looked away and fiddled with her unkempt hair. The pout on her face made Alastor’s flutter and he nearly forgot where he was for a moment. 

That was, until he took a good look at her hair. “No worries dear. I had a good laugh out of it,” he mused. He then pointed at her hair and raised an eyebrow. “By the way that is a fine nest you have!” Charlie shot him a confused look to be met with a smug grin.

When she turned and walked to her vanity she yelped, “What? How’d it get this bad?” She sat herself down and began running her fingers through her hair to get the tangled mess under control. With her frantic tugging, she kept getting her fingers snagged on the knots. She let out an exasperated sigh, signaling her quick defeat. “I mean it’s never perfect in the morning, but it’s never been this bad before! I need to get Razzle and Dazzle!” She shot up from her stool.

But before she could head for the door, two claw-like hands rested on her shoulders. Looking up in her vanity mirror, she saw Alastor holding her in place. “No need! I can take care of it if you’d like.” he materialized a brush from nowhere and gently pushed her down to sit. Saying nothing, Charlie sat back down and continued to watch him through the mirror. 

He went straight to work once she settled. Instead of going head first with the brush, Alastor set it aside and instead used his fingers to untangle any nasty snags that could get caught in the brush. It was so strange how thoughtful and careful he was as his pointed claws occasionally brushed over her scalp. Charlie even closed her eyes as he worked, clearly enjoying the sensation. 

Once Alastor deemed it satisfactory, he took the brush he’d summoned and gently brushed through her golden locks all while humming. 

Charlie’s butlers Razzle and Dazzle would normally brush Charlie’s long and voluptuous hair, but never had it felt this good. From the soft brushes of her scalp to the gliding of a brush through her hair, Charlie didn’t notice the content smile that graced her face. 

Alastor, however had. He watched the princess’ expression soften through the mirror with amusement. Was she truly this naive? Despite being at the mercy of the Radio Demon, one of the most feared overlords in Hell, she’d put her full trust in him and relaxed into his touch, even. The moment reminded him how just last night she asked him to stay until she fell asleep. It still racked his brain how she could be so at ease with him in the room. But most of all he wondered why exactly he decided to stay by her side the whole night. Or why he volunteered to brush her hair so carefully. 

“You have quite a lot of hair you know,” Alastor joked in an attempt to get his mind off of his confusing thoughts. He’d ponder on it more later, now was just not the time. 

Charlie’s eyes shot open, and Alastor could have sworn his heart skipped a beat at the sight. Even when he attempted to get his mind off of what she did to him, she still somehow managed to get his heart off-beat. So much so Alastor was beginning to think that he was merely experiencing heart palpitations. “You must get it from your mother.” he finished, trying to keep himself calm and collected. Charlie smiled soberly and nodded.

“Yeah, I get that a lot. It’s why I don’t ever wanna cut it, because it reminds me of my mom.” she chuckled and brought her gaze down to the floor, deep in thought. 

What was her mother dong? She still hadn’t called, nor had she picked up any of Charlie’s calls in the past few days. She must have been busy with wedding preparations, but couldn’t she just spare a couple of minutes for her daughter? She’d just gotten engaged! 

With his eyes still fixed on Charlie’s face, Alastor hadn’t realized that he’d thoroughly brushed though the demoness’ hair a while ago. He was so engrossed in the softness of her locks and his heart palpitations, he’d completely lost focus. He stopped brushing, but part of him didn’t want to stop just yet. So instead he started to do something else to Charlie’s hair, which promptly caught her attention. The gentle tugging told Charlie he was probably braiding her hair. “I bet you must be excited to see your mother today.” he commented. 

“Yeah- wait,” she slammed her palms on the table, stood and whipped her head around to face Alastor. The braid that he’d started came undone in the action, but Alastor didn’t care. Not when his fiancee’s beautiful demonic form began to peek out. Alastor’s grin widened in anticipation and his fluttering heart began racing.

“WHAT?” She shrieked, yet Alastor didn’t flinch. Charlie began pacing away from the vanity, muttering wildly with a hand over her mouth. Her wide eyed gaze was fixed on the ground. Alastor couldn’t understand what she was saying but he did notice that her horns were present and her nails seemed longer than usual. He took Charlie’s seat at the vanity and sighed contentedly at the sight of her. He had to admit that she certainly was a belle, but this side of her was a unique sort of beauty that he could appreciate. 

She looked to him pleadingly. “What should I do?” she cried before returning to her frantic pacing.

With a confused yet amused expression, Alastor asked, “Are you not excited to see her?” The demoness snapped her head to look at him once more with her ruby-red eyes. 

However the visible part of her true form retracted as quickly as it appeared with just a blink. Charlie stopped her pacing and sighed. “It’s not that. I just haven’t seen her in a long time and she hasn’t returned any of my calls,” she ran a hand through her hair and shook her head with a groan. “I-I just don’t know what to say to her Al.” 

“Why not just start with a simple ‘hello’?”

Charlie groaned in frustration again. “Come on, be serious!” She turned back around to pace with her hands tangled in her hair.

“Oh I am though,” he stood to full height and walked up to her to grab her by the scruff of her nightgown and effectively stopping her from pacing endlessly again. Once she stilled in his grasp, he released her before continuing, “The reaction to a simple smile and a ‘hello’ tells you everything you need to know about a person! See where you go with it sweetheart. Not to mention your mother would be pleased to see your gorgeous smile.”

Charlie turned and shot him an unsure look. When he didn’t falter from his confidently wide grin, she shrugged. “I guess it’s better than nothing. Thanks for the advice, Al.” she crossed her arms and turned away. The unsure tone of her voice did not comfort Alastor’s inner concern one bit. 

‘Concern? For her?’ He thought. When was the last time he’d felt concerned for anyone? And when was the last time he’d felt the need to truly comfort someone?

Alastor took each of her shoulders in his hands, causing her to look up at him. “Chin up my dear, everything should be going uphill from here on, trust me.” his calm, nearly radio-less voice and his closed lipped smile somehow eased Charlie and she relaxed under his touch. 

A soft, appreciative smile melted onto her face, sending his heart into a beating frenzy.  

He quickly let her go, letting his searing touch linger on her shoulders. “Now, after your little hotel duties, we have to go meet your mother to finish the details!” Alastor said quickly before briskly exiting the room and gently shut the door.

Charlie brought her hand to her shoulder where his hand had lain and felt her heart skip a beat.

PART 7 HERE 

#charlastor #charlastor fic #charlie x alastor #alastor x charlie

[chaos-monkeyy]

State of Chaos

For WIP Wednesday, I thought I’d try something different! So instead of sharing an excerpt from a work in progress, here is a list of the WIPs I’m working on in my too many fandoms at the moment, both published and not; as well as some blathering about other *ideas* I have that I (probably) (maybe) plan (hope) to write at some point. Feel free to ask for more details or ‘vote’ on what I should focus on if you want, I can’t promise anything but I am highly impressionable, and when people get me excited about something there’s a good chance I’ll work on it 😂

(it’s a long post so I’m just putting it all under a cut! There’s mention of kink fics & ships, but I don’t go into any detail about them)

Assassin’s Creed

Diletto (working title) Ezio/Caterina and Ezio/Caterina/Leo, where Caterina wants to be the one to do the fucking, Ezio is more than amenable to this idea, and Leonardo da Vinci makes the world’s first strap-on. First chapter rough draft is written, as well as a few little chunks of chapter 2! Writing F/M fic is always a bit out there for me, but I am very excited about how this one is coming along. 

The skills of Assassins  The Ezio/Mario sexy training one! Three chapters published and while I’ve got several ideas for other chapters, I haven’t started actually writing them yet 🙈 I’m at that point where I need to balance I want more porn with not just getting repetitive… 

Plans  I really want to write some Ezio/Leo smut, got this idea for playful ‘how much can I distract you’ while Leonardo is deciphering one of Ezio’s codex pages (he always bends over the worktable to do it and I just. I can’t not). I also have Thoughts about a couple more kink fics, including a Shaun POV sequel to Not here 😏 And I just, I have to write something with silver fox Revelation’s Ezio. No idea what yet, but god damn he’s sexy. 

The Dresden Files

Nothing really in progress, exactly, though I’ve been kicking around a Dresden/Marcone idea where Marcone hires a Harry look-alike to play out his fantasies of Domming the fuck out of that fucking wizard. (Honestly, there’s so many pairings in TDF that I love the thought of, but just never quite manage to come up with something to write for them… Perhaps I’ll continue my read-through of the series in a search for inspiration.) 

The Expanse

Also nothing actively in progress; I have a couple fic ideas that I still really like the thought of (including a ‘proto-Miller getting freaky with the mind games and double-teaming Holden’ threesome), but I’m not sure if/when I’ll get around to writing any of them. If a new book or season comes out, that might kickstart the interest again.

Midsomer Murders 

A short holiday (working title) Just a standalone PWP / Porn with Feelings for my OG OT3. John, Sarah, and Ben spending a long weekend together in a nicely remote cottage with a hot tub and a fireplace, and having a whole lot of sexy sex and cuddles. Probably featuring needy bottom!John and Sarah demanding some good old-fashioned DP from the two of them. I’ve got some of the start written and I pick at it every now and then when I’m feeling sappy. 

Behind the scenes The companion fic to Falls into place. I still have ideas that I wanted to do, but ever since MM got taken off Netflix, it’s made it harder to write for the show at all and for this little ficlets collection in particular 😭 

Midsomer x Wallace and Gromit crossover  This is a semi-secret project I’ve been working at slowly for over a year now, and a rare non-smutty work 😱 I really like it and do plan to finish it.. someday, but given that it’s an actual fucking story, with no sexy times or shipping, it’s very very out of my comfort zone. So… slow going, to say the least 😅

Plans I really do want to write a werewolf!Jones fic for Bobbit, I just need to figure out what it is exactly that I want to do with it… I also I had a few more ideas for Just Relax (the John dealing with / helping / being there for stress-bunny Ben series), but I have no clue if I’ll ever get around to actually writing them out or not. 

Star Wars

(Come) Ride With Me Got some sexy stuff written out for Chapter 3 (I actually wrote it before even finishing BLJ, it’s what got me writing the damn sequel / companion fic in the first place), but I’m having trouble getting the chapter set-up started. It’ll happen eventually!

Orgy fic That self-indulgent fuckfest I’ve been working at with Jewell for ages, ft. Formbi/Ronan, Ar’alani/Faro, Thrawn/Eli/Nightswan, and Thrass/Everybody. It’s maybe a solid half-done? But damn it’s a lot of POVs to get right and a lot of… bodies and activities to keep track of 😆 (it’s frikken hot though, if I do say so myself)

Sequel to Pinned and Control  I did write out a little tiny chunk for that, and Rev and I have Ideas(TM) for it. I’m still tentatively hopeful they’ll come to fruition someday 😂 experienced young sexpot Eli and older flustered inexperienced Thrawn is just too good to leave dormant forever. 

Plans  Still got a couple more Thrawn/Thrass oneshots I wanna write for the Stripped series. But I know it’s going to make me sad as well as horny if you’ve read Outbound Flight you know why so I haven’t been in just the right mood to actually write them yet. I also really want to write a crack-adjacent Thranto gloryhole fic, a deliciously sacrilegious modern Earth AU with Eli essentially dirty-talking priest!Thrawn in the confessional, a Thrawn/Eli/Thrass ‘he had to marry both brothers’ AU of some kind, a NightThrawn ice to fire sequel, and a part 2 for Consequences. And maybe some Thrawn/Fenn porny oneshots set in the Peace Bearer universe I mean what 😇

The Witcher

Flagrant Indecency Chapter 4 is partially written, and I have basic plans for chapter 5! This is a tough one just cause… yeah. More panic / embarrassment than what I usually write for omo, but I am happy with how it’s coming along. I signed up for Wolfie’s finish your fic fest with this one, so I plan to have ch 4 up in a couple weeks and the fic finish by (…whatever the event deadline is, september I think?) at the latest!

No title yet  I got ambushed the other day by a Geraskier fic idea involving an incubus hunt gone wrong, juiced-up demanding bottom!Geralt, and inappropriate (but consensual) use of Axii. It’s coming along very nicely 😏 chances are good it’ll be the next thing I publish but honestly, I can never be totally sure what the Brain will decide to do.

Plans  There’s a few things I want to get done at some point, including: Geralt discovers Jaskier’s glove kink by accident and they have a lot of fun with that; a sequel to Undignified with more omo thirst trap Jaskier; Geralt’s first time getting fucked / being with a man at all because he walked in on Jaskier and now he’s curious and Jaskier is more than happy to oblige; and possibly one or two sequels to Intoxicating as well because I love my problematic dynamics too much to leave it there. Oh! And maybe a sequel to Tight Fit as well, Jaskier is nothing if not determined 😏

#assassin's creed #midsomer murders #dresden files #the expanse #the witcher #star wars #multifandom #chaos babbles #wip wednesday #state of chaos #too much smut too little time #writing

[yamraven15]

Short To Ultrashort Peptide Hydrogels For Biomedical Usages

Dbal Types, Crazybulk Bewertung

Content

Ostarine And Ligandrol Improve Muscle Cells In An Ovariectomized Rat Model.

Technology.

Firm Overview For Sarms Ventures Restricted (.

Tumor.

Individuals often have sensations of shame and disgust at their absence of control throughout as well as after binge consuming, which can enhance that cycle of unfavorable feelings, constraint and binge consuming once again. Individuals with binge eating disorder consume huge amounts of food over a brief time period.

This not only causes boosted muscle development however also causes muscle mass retention and also the formation of brand-new muscle cells. This SARM was at first developed to assist people experiencing muscle mass loss, but it's generally used by bodybuilders to stop muscular tissue wasting. GHSRs are also located in the areas of the brain that regulate appetite, state of mind, satisfaction, memory, organic rhythms, cognitive functions, as well as memory. When you take Ibutamoren, you'll not only lose fat as well as develop muscle mass but will also feel better and more alert, improving your health and fitness efficiency. A large part of this reason is how Ligandrol increases your power.

Ostarine And Ligandrol Improve Muscle Mass Tissue In An Ovariectomized Rat Version.

You'll be able to work out for longer as well as can maintain more intense training sessions, which will certainly bring about some major muscle gains. is among one of the most powerful muscle-building SARMs on the market. It just takes a few weeks for Ligandrol to work, also after a solitary cycle. Bodybuilders will also experience other benefits when utilizing Ostarine, such as boosted bone density as well as faster recovery time. Bodybuilding offers numerous physical benefits as well as can boost your physique. When S.A.R.Ms bind to the receptor they show anabolic and hypertrophic activity in both muscular tissue as well as bone.

Individuals might locate it challenging to quit during a binge also if they wish to. Some individuals with binge eating condition have explained really feeling detached from what they're doing during a binge, or even struggling to keep in mind what they've eaten later on. Most individuals advise that the item is carried out just once every 4 weeks, dbal types.

Modern Technology.

Makers must test each item in independent research laboratories, which must provide their consent for sports supplements to appear on the marketplace. Without it, consumers may question the correctness and safety of the product as well as deny it. Some SARMs had been tested years before they were authorized for use. Although costliness is a family member term, most individuals will certainly agree that the costs of SARMs are high.

Unlike people with bulimia, they don't usually follow this by getting rid of the food via, for example, vomiting, though sometimes they could fast in between binges. BED is not about picking to eat huge parts, nor are individuals that suffer from it just "overeating"-- much from being delightful, binges are extremely distressing, usually entailing a much larger quantity of food than someone would certainly wish to eat.

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On top of that, cycle assistance lowers the possibility you'll experience any type of negative effects. Lots of PCT supplements contain natural vitamins, minerals, and natural herbs such as ashwagandha essence, Tribulus Terrestris remove, Rhodiola Rosea essence, vitamin E, as well as saw palmetto essence. These ingredients will stabilize hormonal agents while boosting body make-up as well as your total feeling of health. But there specify supplements that body builders and also anybody taking SARMs must utilize. Supplements include vitamins, minerals, fats, amino acids, and other valuable active ingredients. Individuals take supplements for more reasons than physical fitness advantages. Supplements include important vitamins, minerals, as well as various other substances that improve your wellness.

Does Vitaminhoppe sell SARMs?

SARMs are drugs and they are not dietary supplements. Using the internet one can easily find SARMs for sale. The bigger retail stores like GNC and Vitamin Shoppe do not carry them, but the smaller independently owned supplement stores are notorious for distributing SARMs.

While BCAAs are essential to muscular tissue gain, it is suggested you take BCAAs with protein supplements, especially whey protein. BCAAs promote muscle mass protein synthesis, which is the procedure of structure muscle mass. It's likewise said that BCAAs lower muscle damages along with the size and also extent of delayed start muscle pain, urging body builders to raise a lot more. High-grade cycle assistance supplements have ingredients such as grape seed extract, Tribulus Terrestris remove, vitamin E, N-Acetyl-I-Cysteine, saw palmetto essence, celery seed extract, as well as hawthorn berry. Cycle assistance shields important bodily functions, such as cardiovascular, liver, prostate, and cholesterol health and wellness and likewise supports your high blood pressure.

Tumor.

Binges may be planned like a routine and also can entail the individual getting "special" binge foods, or they might be much more spontaneous. Individuals may most likely to extreme sizes to accessibility food-- for example, consuming food that has actually been discarded or taking food. https://highgrade-labs.com/product/mk-2866-ostarine/ consuming generally takes place in private, though the person may consume regular meals outside their binges. Individuals with binge eating problem might additionally limit their diet regimen or place in certain guidelines around food-- this can also lead to them binge eating because of hunger and also sensations of starvation.

This time I reduced weight on the scale a minimum of however visually it really did not resemble it as well as I maintained my toughness.

It deserves keeping in mind that Cardarine itself was initially recommended as a way to battle obesity.

SARM-type mass tablets from this team allow to melt fat cells without losing muscle mass cells.

SARMs for weight decrease and also help in building a new one include Ibutamoren, Cardarine as well as Endurobol.

Usually when I stop with my steroids, my toughness minimizes and also I am reducing weight.

I got it for myself, not as much to be getting mass however basically for after steroid cycle.

This would be similar to a SARMS triple stack that is typically kept up Ostarine, except there is a possibility of more size being placed on while cutting. A great dose for this method would be 3-5 mg a day for 8 weeks. LGD has actually shown the most ability of any type of SARM to put on dimension that could be thought about a bulk. rises, and also have had a significant rise in calorie consumption. An advise dosage for this kind of objective would be 5-10 mg day for 8 weeks. If you disable this cookie, we will not have the ability to conserve your preferences. This implies that every time you see this web site you will certainly require to allow or disable cookies once again.

Types Of Bonds In Biological Molecules.

Being unclear of any of the above can suggest that you should not be taking efficiency enhancers just yet-- this is since your body still has the ability to improve normally. Just when you can not improve anymore would certainly I suggest considering taking performance enhancers. Value that efficiency enhancers will not make you rub on their own. As your body responds, you might really feel an absence of hunger, but this ought to not place you off from sticking to your diet plan. The most effective SARMs to buy come with clear and also detailed guidelines.

How long should you take Mk 677?

Previous studies in humans demonstrated that daily oral administration of MK-677 in healthy older adults,8 GH-deficient adults9 for 4 weeks, and GH-deficient children10 for 7 days increased serum GH, IGF-I, and IGF binding protein (IGFBP)-3 concentrations.

A dramatically higher intramuscular fat content of the quadriceps femoris muscle was observed in the OVX+LG 4 group compared to the Non-OVX group. In OVX rats, the fat web content of the muscular tissue did not vary from that in the other teams. All rats received a soy-free rodent diet regimen (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH, Soest, Germany) throughout the experiment. OS and LG were provided with the soy-free diet (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH).

Strictly Required Cookie ought to be enabled in any way times so that we can conserve your preferences for cookie settings. It means that purchasers have proper defense when purchasing sports supplements, both online as well as offline. Authorities are reacting extremely quickly and also capturing scammers marketing fake SARMs.

The gastrocnemius muscular tissue, soleus muscular tissue, as well as longissimus muscular tissue were extracted. The GM and also SM were evaluated and also all muscle mass were frozen in fluid nitrogen and also kept at − 80 ° C up until more evaluations. Either left or right muscular tissues were used arbitrarily in either histological or enzyme analyses. In Experiment II, intramuscular fat content was identified in the quadriceps femoris muscle in Non-OVX, OVX, as well as OVX+LG 4 groups.

The continuing to be food in the cage was evaluated regular to compute the average daily food consumption of a rat by separating these data by days in between the weighing and number of rats in a cage. The typical day-to-day dose of OS and LG was computed based on the everyday food intake as well as the mean BW in the cage on the particular week. After 13 weeks post-OVX, all pets were euthanized under CO2 anesthetic. Blood serum was gathered for further evaluation of creatine kinase as a pen of muscle mass damages.

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CRN updates guidelines on SARMs, caffeine - NutraIngredients-usa.com

CRN updates guidelines on SARMs, caffeine.

Posted: Mon, 09 Jul 2018 07:00:00 GMT [source]

If you have not gotten any type of, component 3 has been made to assist you obtain one of the most out of your cycle. Ideal for those who do not take pleasure in having a healthy and balanced level of testosterone. I in fact slimmed down no strength gets no anything generally. https://highgrade-labs.com/product/gw-501516-cardarine/ is actually better than its ever before been training is good also. It will certainly shine more-so if ran in combination with SARMS S-4 as well as Cardarine (GW ).

Nonetheless, they are still associated with venous thromboembolism and also stroke. C4 (generally known as pre-workout) delivers a boost of caffeine and also other components to increase endurance, power, as well as performance. It's suitable for bodybuilders of all levels, however you need to adhere to application directions meticulously.

OS and also LG are still being checked out in professional tests, as well as neither have actually been accepted as therapies to this point. There are no studies reporting in vivo impacts of OS and LG on postmenopausal muscle structure and also metabolic rate. The aim of the here and now study was to check out the result of OS as well as LG on the muscle mass tissue of ovariectomized rats as the standard design for postmenopausal problems. The OS impact on bone tissue as well as animal version as a component of Experiment I has actually been just recently published. Hormonal agent replacement therapy in postmenopausal ladies is related to extreme side effects, such as an enhanced threat of coronary heart disease, bust cancer, stroke, and also venous thromboembolism. Nevertheless, it is still the most reliable therapy for postmenopausal symptoms and also for carefully picked women, advantages might exceed risks. Selective estrogen receptor modulators have useful results on the musculoskeletal system like estrogen, they have fewer adverse occasions on busts and the womb.

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[darkpoisonouslove]

30 Days of Fanfic (Days 1-10)

I saw this and thought it could be fun but since I was already a few days behind and a little all over the place, I decided to do them in batches of 10 questions. So here are the first ten days!

Day 1 - How did you get into fanfic?

- How did you first get into writing fanfic, and what was the first fandom you wrote for? What do you think it was about that fandom that pulled you in?

I don’t really remember how I got into fic anymore. It was my best friend that dragged me into it and I just... started reading?

The first fandom I wrote for was PJO. I have always loved Greek mythology so I just decided to... go for it. I never finished that fic, though (probably for the best as the ideas were awesome but the execution - not so much)

Day 2 - What fandoms have you written in?

- Name the fandoms you’ve written in, how much you’ve written in those fandoms, and if you still write in them.

That one isn’t so hard as I haven’t written in a lot of fandoms. Here are the ones that I have written in (in order of joining):

Once Upon a Time - 41 fanfics (I do have one collection that I need to finish in this fandom and tons of ideas but while I haven’t officially left the fandom and abandoned the fics, I am not really active there anymore. Which is a damn shame considering how many things I had planned for it. I don’t really feel the inspiration currently, though, but I haven’t given up on it completely.)

Fairy Tail - 8 fanfics (I mostly join any of the annual weeks for different ships in this fandom. I do have some ideas but I haven’t found the motivation for them yet. Even if a few of them were really cool and I loved them a lot.)

Winx Club - 86 fanfics (This one is my most active fandom currently. I do still write in it and I hope that will hold true for the foreseeable future as well.)

Lucifer - 1 fanfic (that was more of an experiment and I don’t really plan on writing more there)

Day 3 - Favorite characters?

- For each of the fandoms you have written in, what were/are your favorite characters to write? Why were these characters your favorite? (Can be main, side, established, or original!)

Um, okay. Let’s see.

Once Upon a Time - Regina Mills was my favorite character to write because I was mostly interested in her and I could see a lot of similarities between us. I wanted to explore more of her and her relationships with the other characters.

Fairy Tail - I don’t think I really had a favorite character to write here. They were all sort of... hard to get? And I haven’t written nearly enough of anyone to be able to pick a favorite.

Winx Club - I want to say Griffin but I think I might love writing Valtor just a tad bit more. At least at the moment. Maybe it is that he is more emotional and impulsive and I can get behind that and know how to write it? I also related a lot with some things about him and other times it is simply fun to write him when he is being an asshole. But there’s also a lot of emotional stuff to explore there. I don’t really know. I just love writing him.

Lucifer - Uhh... I only really wrote two characters from there and from them Chloe Decker was certainly the one that was easier so I chose to write my only fic from her PoV. I love the characters on the show but I don’t think I get them enough to write them that well yet so I am not pushing to do it.

Day 4 - Muse/special character?

- Do you have a ‘muse’ character(s), that speaks to you more than others, or that tries to push their way in, even when the fic isn’t about them? Who are they, and why did that character(s) became your muse? Are they a canon character or an OC?

Did I mention Valtor? Man, talk about trying to write something that he doesn’t sneak in. The few fics that I was actually focusing on other characters didn’t suffer from this but a fic that has Griffin inevitably brings out the need to at least mention Valtor in it as well. I have had to actively restrain myself from bringing him in a couple of times when I really wanted to write about anything else other than their relationship. I guess that is my muse. XD Not one of them separately but the two of them together. I am having all the feelings about them. Let’s leave it off here because I will get too many feelings otherwise.

Day 5 - Envisioning characters?

- Do you have techniques you use to help you visualise a character, such as picrews, faceclaims, moodboards, or fanart? Have you commissioned or created art to go with your fics, or provided references (picrews, faceclaims etc) for readers or yourself?

I am the worst at envisioning characters. I think it might be because I am trying to get in the mindset of the character so if I am in their head, I can’t see their appearance. (Maybe I should try writing with a mirror nearby. XD) I do make aesthetics but their purpose isn’t that much to help me envision the characters. I mostly avoid the envisioning part by focusing on emotional things and if I absolutely have to write descriptions, I try to keep it minimalistic. I have done sort of a picrew thing for my original characters but not for any fandom I’m in. A friend of mine made an illustration for one of my fics but it was after I wrote it and she actually used what I had managed to envision already to paint the thing. Envisioning characters is not my strength and I don’t even know how I function as a writer despite that.

Day 6 - Gender Preference?

- When you write, do you have a gender preference for your protagonist and/or the rest of the cast? Is it the same or different from your own gender? Do you feel your own gender is well represented, and how do you go about accurately portraying genders different from your own?

I couldn’t care less for the protagonist’s gender. I write the story from the PoV that is best for it. I try to focus on the personality of the character rather than on any other characteristics.

Day 7 - Fic affecting your view of a character?

- Have you ever had a fic you’ve written change your opinion of a character? Or has a fic you’ve read changed your opinion on a character?

Probably only... every fic I’ve ever written? I mean, as you write, your vision on the characters develops and, essentially, changes. There have certainly been fics that have made me reflect more or in a different way on an aspect of a character and have led me to change my view of that character in a way. It is kind of the point of being in a fandom and reading other people’s fics, I’d say.

Day 8 - OCs

- Do you write OCs? And if so, what do you do to make certain they’re not Mary Sues, and if not, explain your thoughts on OCs.

I only write OCs when the story demands it as it demands positions that the existing characters can’t fill for whatever reason. Or when the person has existed in canon but was never introduced on screen (as in someone’s parents that we never saw). I am not a fan of OCs because I go to fanfiction for the characters I already know and love. If I wanted completely new characters that I am unfamiliar with, I would turn to original fiction. I was fascinated with the characters I saw on the screen/in the book and I want to know more about them and the relationships between them. I am not interested in what OCs can be made in that world.

Day 9 - Favorite pairings and your comfort zone

- What are your favorite pairings to write in your fandoms? Have you ever gone outside your comfort zone and written a pairing you liked, but found you couldn’t write, or a pairing you didn’t like, and found you could?

I’m just gonna talk about Winx Club because it is my only truly active fandom.

Griffin x Valtor is my OTP. I love them to death and have so many ideas about them.

Now as for pairing that I like but can’t write, I don’t think I have ever encountered such. In this fandom at least. (Maybe in Lucifer Deckerstar is a bit too hard to nail.)

Pairing that I don’t like but can (kinda) write must be Icy x Valtor which I did write on request and that particular concept was actually very fun to work with. I wouldn’t say it has “converted“ me or something, however.

Generally, I stick to what I like. I might try my hand at writing a pairing that I am curious about but I don’t like to waste my time on ships I don’t like.

Day 10 - Writer's block and procrastination

- Have you ever experienced writer's block or an impeded ability to write? How do you tackle a loss of motivation or executive function, and/or how does procrastination hinder (or help) you?

I don’t really think I’ve had writer’s block once I started writing consistently and not once every two months. I have had certain ideas that needed more time to get ready for being written but I never really stopped writing. I have had days when I was too mentally exhausted to write but the solution to that was to just step away for a while and let my brain rest. The problem wasn’t truly in the writing so with some time to recharge my batteries, I was back on track.

I mostly force myself through loss of motivation telling myself that I have too many awesome ideas that I will never be able to write if I don’t just get to it. And I always work on what I am feeling like tackling right now. Even if it isn’t necessarily what I would’ve wanted to work on.

Executive dysfunction can be a bitch. It is hard to get past it and I don’t think I really know how I do it.

Procrastination is probably the hill I will die on because I am too nervous to get to the next one. I don’t really have a tried-and-true solution for it as I am usually aware that I am procrastinating and yet, I can’t stop doing it and make myself be productive. Usually what gets me to drop it and start working is the itch to write and the feeling that I will literally explode if I don’t write. So I think it is that the desire to just write something whatever that may be defeats the fear that it will suck and I finally manage to get to it. I am just too excited about my projects sometimes. XD

#30 days of fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #my writing #personal #about me #winx club #ouat

[smkkbert]

Mothers know best

Summary: Since they have been kids, they have been best friends. Since they have been friends, their mothers wanted them to be together. After coming back from the east coast, Felicity takes over a position at Queen Consolidated, the company her best friend will soon take over from his father. Their mothers still push for them to be together, and they seem closer to that goal than ever because wedding bells are ringing. The only problem is that they both plan to get married to someone else.

Rating: Explicit

Previous chapters: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11 12 13  14  15

Author’s note: Sorry for the delay! I have my exam coming up next Tuesday (2 class reviews & an oral exam). It’s all keeping me busy, so I don’t know where my head is right now. Take this photo of the dress I imagine on Felicity as an excuse. :)

Chapter 16 of 22: Hygge

= A warm and cozy feeling that washes over you; it needs to be experienced to know (Danish)

He looked okay, handsome even.

Taking in a deep breath, Oliver pushed back his shoulders and buttoned up the jacket of his suit. He turned slightly, so he was looking at his reflection from a new angle that he felt made him look a little slimmer and more muscular.

His hands moved over the fabric of his suit slowly, smoothing the wrinkles that probably nobody than him would have seen. He noticed that his hands were shaking lightly and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, breathing out slowly.

Opening his eyes, he looked himself up and down once more. He had chosen a dark blue suit with a vest because he knew that Felicity likes suits with vests and tuxedos with suspenders. To bring out the color of his eyes, he had put on a deep blue tie. With his hair being back in shape and his stubble being scratchy and a little longer than he usually wore it, he really looked presentable he guessed.

Nodding to himself slowly, he met his own eyes in the mirror. No matter how hard he tried to push away his nervousness and to focus on how excited and happy he was about this chance. It only made him feel more nervous.

With a long sigh, Oliver sat down on the edge of the mattress and let his head fall into his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut and took some more deep breaths.

It hadn’t been that long that a chance to be with Felicity had been unreachable for him. He had been sure that he would forever hold Felicity dear to his heart, but he would never have the chance to have her in his life again. He had imagined living his life with McKenna and still having Felicity right in his reach, a constant reminded for how badly he had screwed up.

Through some miraculous incidents, life had turned around though. Now he had that chance with Felicity and he knew he had to used it.

Given the long way full of bumps he and Felicity had gone through to get here, he was sure that this was his only chance. If he screwed up today, he’d lose Felicity forever. He guessed that was why he was so nervous.

He had been nervous about a lot of things in his life, but he had never been as nervous as he was now. Never before, he had been so nervous that his hands had been shaking and his heart had been racing. It felt like something utterly unfamiliar to him.

His nervousness would make it hard to go through the evening without messing up. Hence, he really had to up his game and go all in to make it work and now screw it up.

With that thought in mind, Oliver got up. He didn’t take another look in the mirror because it didn’t matter what he looked like anyway. Felicity had seen him when he had been at his worst, whether it was because of some stomach flu or a hangover. She knew what he looked like in every possible situation in life.

Oliver went down the stairs quickly and looked over the living area for a moment until he found his keys on the couch table. He formed his fist around them tightly and turned towards the door.

Before Oliver could take a single step towards it, he heard the key turning in the lock though. A moment later, the door opened and McKenna stepped into the penthouse where they had used to live together.

She kicked the door shut behind her and lifted her gaze. Her eyes locked with his, and Oliver could see that she was just as surprised to see him as he was surprised to see her. Since their canceled wedding day, they hadn’t talked to each other.

“Hey,” Oliver said eventually, finding his voice first. “I thought you were still in St. Lucia.”

St. Lucia had been on one of the lists of most adventures places to go to for the honeymoon. That was why he and McKenna had decided that it would be the perfect place for them to go. They had always loved adventures. Their plan hadn’t been to spend three weeks in their hotel room or at the beach bar. They had wanted to be active, outside of the bed by day and inside bed by night.

McKenna pursed her lips slightly and lowered her gaze to the keys in her hands. She looked uncomfortable, and Oliver regretted asking her. He had hurt her enough as it was. Asking about their honeymoon, that McKenna had gone to alone at the end, was just rubbing in how badly he had screwed up and how much he had hurt her.

When McKenna lifted her gaze, there was a gleam of tears in her eyes. Oliver could see how badly she tried to push it back and hide it from him, so he didn’t say anything about it.

“After two weeks, I just felt it was time to come back and face the consequences of our decision,” she explained with quiet voice and shrugged her shoulders. “I talked to my parents about our decision to cancel the wedding, and they understand it.”

“That’s good.” Oliver nodded slowly, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants and hunching his shoulders. “And now?”

McKenna nodded towards the upper area of the loft. “I just wanted to get some of my stuff, just enough to be dressed decently for the next couple of days. I will just get everything else in the next week if that is okay with you.”

“Of course,” Oliver replied firmly. “Take your time.”

They looked at each other for a long moment, neither of them saying a word. Their break-up had been so very adult and without any drama. Even now, they were talking like two adults. Nobody was crying and nobody was screaming. They were handling this the way people should, Oliver guessed.

Maybe that made it even harder.

“Are you going to stand there and stare at me the entire time while I am packing my stuff?” McKenna asked eventually and cleared her throat. “It’s a little awkward.”

Clearing his throat to suppress a chuckle, Oliver lowered his gaze. Even now McKenna hadn’t lost her humor. He guessed it was a good sign that she was going to get over this one day.

“No,” he said eventually and nodded towards the door. “I was actually about to leave.”

When McKenna looked him up and down, Oliver pursed his lips. He had stared at his reflection in the mirror long enough to know exactly what McKenna was seeing. She was a good detective, so Oliver was sure that she could easily suspect what this look on him meant.

“You have a date?”

Oliver nodded his head. “Yeah.”

“Felicity?”

Again, Oliver nodded. “Yeah.”

In contradistinction to everything Oliver had thought would happen, McKenna smiled warmly. Without saying a word, she stepped forward slowly until she stood right in front of him. She framed his face with her hands and brushed a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“Good for you,” she whispered, “so good luck tonight.”

Oliver didn’t know where McKenna took this strength from. Since he kind of hoped that there was a position as his new best friend available after tonight, he was almost tempted to offer it to her. She’d be a good best friend. There was a good reason for why they had gotten along so well all these years after all.

Maybe in a few years, that was different.

“Goodbye, McKenna.”

“Goodbye, Oliver.”

She stroked her fingers over his neck once more and stepped away from Oliver. He hesitated a moment before he walked past her and stepped through the door.

The sound of the door falling shut left a bitter taste on his tongue. He had hurt so many people with the way he had handled things. Nobody could be blamed for what had happened but him. Still, he was the one going out on a date, while McKenna had to find a new place to stay and start a new life and both of their families were left with the ugly story of this canceled wedding.

During the last two weeks, Oliver had wondered if maybe all the mess that had been done was the reason why he and Felicity were trying to find out if there was more in the first place. Maybe they were trying to make more into it than there was because it would make some sense into all the pain they had caused.

As many times as that thought might have crossed his mind, Oliver had managed to push it away as far as possible for him. What he and Felicity had was real, and it had been real for years already. The situation they had maneuvered themselves in had simply caused them to finally admit it to themselves.

What he and Felicity had was real.

Oliver let that thought echo in his head and in his heart again and again. For the first time since he had woken up this morning with the thought of their date in mind, he felt his heartbeat calming down.

Apparently, just reassuring himself that he and Felicity had something good was all that he needed to find the calmness he had been lacking so much these last hours. It just gave him some safety that things were turning out well at the end.

With that thought in mind, Oliver headed down into the underground parking.

The drive through the city went a lot quicker than he had thought it would. Maybe he was just too distracted to be annoyed about traffic though. His head was full of scenarios how this date could possibly go. Most of those scenarios were absolutely crazy. For example, he thought about what would happen if a crazy guy would fire a rocket launcher into the restaurant, and he would rush to Felicity’s side to cover her body from any harm.

Apparently, his brain was going completely crazy with the thought of this date now.

Oliver made it to the restaurant ten minutes ahead of time. Turning off the engine and getting out of the car, he looked at the restaurant. It was a nice, little bistro in the middle of downtown. It had only been opened last month, but the critics really looked good as the food was fancy and the service was excellent.

The Maître d’hôtel, a young man with dark curls and wake eyes, looked up from the booking ledge when Oliver stepped in. Oliver almost expected him to look him up and down with a conceited expression in his eyes. He remembered that gaze from his childhood and his youth when his parents had taken him to one of these fancy restaurants, and the adults had looked at him like he was a little parasite or whatever.

Instead, the man smiled politely and asked, “How can I help you, Sir?”

“Queen,” Oliver said, stepping to the front desk. “I booked a table for two.”

“Very well.” The man took another brief look at his booking ledge before he lifted his eyes towards Oliver once more. “Follow me please.”

Oliver was led to a table at the large window front. The table was slightly hidden behind some large plants, just like he had asked for. Given his recently canceled wedding with McKenna, he didn’t want anyone to see him with Felicity and make up stories or tell their mothers. If things between him and Felicity would work out, he wanted to share the story on their terms and nobody else’s.

Sitting down on the chair that allowed him to overlook the restaurants, Oliver released another long breath. It was getting serious now he guessed. Felicity should arrive any minute.

When the waitress, a young woman with red hair and green eyes, stepped to his table, Oliver lifted his gaze. She was smiling the same polite smile the maître d’hôtel had. There was just that sparkle in her eyes that he had seen in too many women a few too many times these past years and really couldn’t use today.

“May I serve you a drink, Sir?”

Oliver was about to reject when the thought of a scotch crossed his mind. Maybe it would help his nerves a little if he got to take a sip or two of his drink before Felicity arrived.

“I’d-“

The moment Oliver lifted his gaze, all words that had been on his mind before fading away. Even if he was able to still have a clear thought, he doubted that he could say a single word right now. He was actually sure that, no matter how hard he would try, he couldn’t do anything but stare at Felicity right now.

She was following the maître’d, who was leading her through the restaurant towards him. The red dress she was wearing fitted around her body perfectly, accenting every curve. A small cut in the knee-length skirt made her legs look even longer. Her long blonde hair was falling in soft waves, covering her shoulders that her off-shoulder dress had left bare.

She was absolutely stunning. Breathtaking even.

It dazzled him how he had been able to overlook his feelings for her for so long now. Just looking at her, everything inside of him started tingling. He had never felt like that with any other woman and he doubted he would ever feel like that with any other woman in the future either. It had always been and would always be her.

Oliver didn’t know when or why the waitress had left. When he got up to welcome Felicity, the redhead was gone though. The maître’d’ bowed down a little towards Oliver before he left too, leaving Oliver and Felicity alone.

There was a long moment of silence as they were looking at each other. They took each other in like it was the first time they were seeing each other in years, and maybe that was true to some degree. For years, they had only looked at each other as friends because they had both limited themselves to seeing that and only that in each other. Now that was different.

When their eyes met, Oliver couldn’t help but smile through his nervousness. There was a spark in Felicity’s eyes that told him that she liked what she saw. He had made a good choice with his outfit today.

“Hey,” Oliver said softly.

Though a tender smile spread on her lips, Felicity sounded almost a little breathless when she replied, “Hi.”

Hesitatingly, Oliver leaned forward and hugged Felicity. His arms wrapped around her small figure for a moment, his fingers spreading on her back and covering it almost completely. His nose rested on the crown of her head. He breathed in the scent that was all hers and brushed his lips against Felicity’s cheek slightly when he pulled away.

They smiled at each other for a moment longer before they sat down at the table. They both released a long breath at the same time. When their eyes met, they chuckled.

“Nervous?” Felicity asked.

“Yeah,” Oliver replied in a whisper. “Terribly nervous.”

“Well, line forms behind me.”

Oliver smiled with relief. Knowing that she was as nervous as he was proved to him that she wanted this as much as he himself wanted this. He guessed it was easier to get through the nervousness when they were both feeling the same thing. They could be open with each other that way, more than they could be if their feelings were one-sided.

When the waitress stepped towards the table this time, Oliver didn’t hesitate to order. His throat was burning with the need for a good drink.

“Scotch,” he asked. “Neat.”

The waitress nodded before she turned to Felicity.

“Just a water for me, thanks.”

“Are you- are you sure?” Oliver asked quickly and held the waitress back before she could leave. “The booze might sort of help with the whole-“

“The alcohol is not going to mix well with the three benzos I took.”

Oliver nodded slowly and let the waitress leave to get their drinks. He moved his fingers along the edge of the table to smooth out the wrinkles from the tablecloth though there weren’t any in the first place.

His heart was thrumming in his chest, causing the blood to rush in his ears. He was barely able to hear anything else over the sound. He was still so very nervous and now that it was getting serious, not even telling himself that all of this was real helped. Actually, it seemed to make his nervousness only worse.

“Are we being crazy?” Oliver asked, lifting his gaze back towards Felicity’s face with a frown. “I mean, what do we have to be nervous about?”

“Well, we’ve already exhausted every topic that one would normally talk about on a first date and a second date and a third date, and every date, actually, and we’ve already had sex. Twice.” Felicity cleared her throat, a deep blush rising to her throats. “And this is exactly why I will not order any alcohol tonight.”

Oliver had to bite back a smile. He didn’t want to make fun of Felicity, but he couldn’t help but to be amused by her babbling. It had always been charming to him when she was talking and talking without really realizing what she was saying. It was something to make him smile even when he was feeling absolutely down.

Luckily, the waitress returned with their drinks before the chuckle broke out of Oliver. She said she was going to get them the menus before she left them alone once more.

Oliver raised his glass. “To us.”

“To us,” Felicity repeated his toast and touched her glass with his.

They both took some sips of their drinks. Oliver felt the scotch burning down his throat into his stomach. It was a good feeling, just what he had needed. He enjoyed the feeling and let it last a little longer by taking another sip.

When Oliver lowered his glass and lifted his gaze, he found Felicity’s eyes on her already. They were sparkling with amusement, affecting him immediately. A feeling of warmth that didn’t come from the scotch spread inside of his chest and in his stomach.

“What?”

“Well, Oliver Queen was on time for once,” she said, and her smile widened. “I guess I have to mark this day in my calendar.”

Oliver chuckled. Though there was a part of him that felt the need to lower his eyes, he held her gaze. It was intense, but it felt right.

“I was actually here early,” Oliver replied, “at least seven minutes early. I didn’t want you to wait for me.”

Felicity held his gaze for a moment longer. When the lock of their eyes broke, it was Felicity who caused it. She lowered her eyes to the tablecloth.

There was tension between them. At least that was undeniable. Oliver just couldn’t say if it was a good kind of tension that came from the bottled-up feelings that they had for each other or the bad kind of tension that came from the crappy things they had been through lately. Maybe it was a mixture of both, but he really couldn’t tell.

Oliver took another sip of his scotch before he asked, “Have you decided on whether or not you want to get a dog now?”

Surprise was visible in Felicity’s eyes when she lifted her gaze. Oliver smiled softly, knowing that she would be surprised that he remembered. She had just mentioned that idea to get a dog once, and she hadn’t even told him about it but John. Oliver had just overheard a part of the conversation.

“I don’t think it’s the right time,” Felicity said, shrugging her shoulders. “Getting a dog means taking a lot of responsibility. Maybe some day.”

Oliver nodded slowly. He got the weird feeling that Felicity didn’t want to talk about it, but he had no idea what else they could possibly talk about. His mind was completely empty. Hence, he just stayed silent and Felicity didn’t say anything either.

Pressing his lips together, Oliver looked around the restaurant and watched the other people having dinner here. There were a lot of couples or pairs of people that he guessed were couples. They were chatting lightly, smiling and laughing. Neither of them looked like they had the same trouble having a conversation as he and Felicity did.

The silence continued. The tension felt like it was stretched to the breaking point. It was awkward, just as awkward as it had been during the first time after their night together.

“This is even more difficult than I thought it would be.”

Oliver wasn’t sure if Felicity had wanted to keep that whisper just for himself. Whether or not that had been her plan, he had heard her anyway. He knew he could ignore it and pretend that he hadn’t heard her, but that wouldn’t be honest. And he had always been honest to her.

“These last two weeks, I tried to figure out what we could talk about during this date,” Oliver said softly, his voice lowered to a whisper, “but nothing came to mind. At the end, I decided that I didn’t need any topics to talk about anyway. I thought you would just babble away and I wouldn’t get to say anything, so I could just smile at you admiringly.”

Felicity opened her mouth for a moment like she wanted to reply to him already. Before any sound could fall from her lips, the meaning of his words seemed to catch up to him. She closed her lips again and smiled, slightly flattered by what he had just said.

The tension seemed to cease a little again, and Oliver had to hold back a sigh of relief. This up and down could easily cause whiplash if it continued like that.

Even if it did, it didn’t matter though. Felicity would be worth it anyway.

The waitress returned and handed them the menus, giving them something to talk about. Food was something they had been able to talk about for hours these last years after all. Since Oliver loved cooking and they both loved eating, there was always something to talk about when the conversation revolved around food.

Over the edge of his own menu card, Oliver watched Felicity. Her eyes were directed at the menu card in her hands. She was studying it with focus, taking everything in and considering the different options she got like she always did. The little crease between her eyebrows told him that she was troubling to find out what she wanted to eat.

Oliver smiled softly as he continued watching her. Felicity always needed a lot of time to choose what she wanted to eat. She loved trying new things, and she barely ever chose the safe option. It was one of the many things he had always admired about her. As calculated as her choice was, it was barely ever predictable.

When Felicity lifted her gaze briefly, she smiled. Oliver was almost sure that she had felt his gaze on her skin. They had always been so aware of each other that they knew when the other was around or looking at them. At least it was what Oliver had always felt.

Still smiling, Oliver lowered his gaze to the menu card and started reading it. The dishes that were offered sounded nice, really nice even. Oliver was almost sure that they were delicious. Just like he was quite sure that, despite the expensive prices, they were very small portions on giant plates.

He knew that this wasn’t the usual kind of restaurant he or Felicity would have chosen. It was an amazing location with good service and probably great food. It just wasn’t where they’d usually go to.

Oliver bit down on his tongue hard and shot another brief glance at Felicity.

When he had made the reservation, he had told himself again and again that this wasn’t a usual evening. This was so much more than anything they had ever had. Hence, it deserved something special. While he still believed that this way of thinking wasn’t exactly wrong, he now doubted that it would help to make this evening successful.

Clearing his throat, Oliver closed the menu card and put it on the table. Felicity perked up her eyebrows when she lifted her gaze to look at him. The expression in her eyes showed surprise and maybe even a little bit of shock.

“Did you choose already?”

Oliver smiled. “No.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows even more and cocked her head. “So you just hope for an intuition to tell you what to order?”

Oliver considered answering her question first. Instead, he just asked, “Do you want to leave?”

“What?”

God, I would love to kiss her right now.

The thought crossed Oliver’s mind when Felicity was looking at him with wide eyes and slightly opened lips. His eyes stayed locked onto her lips for a long moment. It took a moment before he was able to take his eyes off her lips and look at the entirety of her face. She looked so honestly surprised that it made a warm feeling spread inside of him.

“It’s very nice here,” Oliver explained, “but I don’t think that this is really us. We have known each other for twenty years. We know who we are and we know where we feel comfortable. This is far out of our comfort zone.”

Felicity sucked her bottom lip into her mouth slightly and caught it between her front teeth. Turning her head back over her shoulder, she looked at the restaurant for a moment. When her eyes met his again, he could see that she agreed with him. She felt the same way as he did. The slight nod of her head only confirmed it.

“I wanted to invite you here because I didn’t want our first date to look cheap. I wanted to haul out the big guns so to speak.” Oliver sighed quietly, shaking his head about himself. “Do you want to go to Big Belly’s with me?”

There was no hesitation in Felicity. A relieved smile spread on her lips and she closed the menu card quickly.

“I’d love to,” she replied with a wide smile. “Let’s go.”

Oliver pulled out his wallet and dropped some notes to the table. He doubted that it was the usual way to pay here, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. They had already wasted enough time here as it was.

Getting up, Oliver stepped next to Felicity’s chair and held out his hand for her. She looked at him for several seconds before she lifted her gaze and locked eyes with him. An excited smile spread on her lips, and she finally put her hand into his.

Hand in hand, they left the restaurant. It was time for the second attempt at their first date.

* * *

“God, this is so good,” Felicity said with full mouth and took another bite from her burger that made her squint. “Thank god we got here.”

Oliver chuckled, watching Felicity devouring her burger. Instead of taking a bite from his own, he dipped some French Fries into the Sweet Chili Sauce and pushed them into his mouth. He never took his eyes off her, and he was sure that he was unable to even if he tried.

Since they had left that restaurant and decided to come here instead, they both seemed to feel so much more at ease. Felicity had slipped out of her high heels. She had pushed one leg under herself, sitting on her left foot, while her right foot rested in his lap. He had massaged it before their burgers had been served, knowing that the balls of her feet just had to hurt.

Oliver had taken off the jacket of his suit and the tie. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to his elbows. He had wanted to look nice for her, but he knew that she wouldn’t mind even if he was sitting here in his sweat pants and his green hoodie. She had seen him like this and had had dinner with him like that often enough.

They were both just feeling so much more comfortable here, and it was showing easily. Since they had stepped into Big Belly Burgers, their conversation hadn’t stopped for longer than a minute. Neither had the heavy tension returned.

“It’s always a pleasure watching you eat,” Oliver said with an honest smile.

Felicity narrowed her eyes at him playfully before she started grinning. She knew that he loved her appetite and the way she devoured a burger like it was the most delicious food on the planet.

“Why aren’t you eating?” Felicity asked him, glancing down at his yet untouched burger. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“Oh, I am,” Oliver replied with a quiet chuckle, “but starving is still better than getting yelled at for eating my burger when you wanted to try it.”

“I never yelled at you for eating your burger.”

“Really?” Oliver perked up an eyebrow and cocked his head. “What about that night before your oral exam in Biology in your last year of high school? You called me out of bed around midnight, asking me to take you to BBB. We were here, in this corner actually, eating our burgers. When you were finished with yours, you looked at my plate and started yelling at me because I already ate my burger though you wanted to try it.”

Oliver remembered it still very clearly. He had been so surprised by her sudden outbreak of anger that all he had been able to do had been staring at her blankly.

“Well, I still didn’t yell at you. I might have talked with my loud voice, but that’s it,” Felicity replied, making Oliver’s grin widen even more. “By the way, I was allowed to speak with my loud voice. I was nervous.”

“Oh, I know,” Oliver replied, nodding slowly. “You burst out into tears after you had yelled at me.”

Felicity rolled her lips into her mouth and just looked at him without saying a word. Oliver could see that she was slightly embarrassed about it. When Felicity was stressed, she often reacted to things with either anger or tears. Sometimes, when she was really stressed, it was both. Especially the tears made her feel embarrassed later because she always tried to be strong and crying was not something, she necessarily considered to be something a strong woman would do.

Oliver took a sip of his coke and watched Felicity as she was turning back to the food. The little trip down memory lane was forgotten and her appetite was back to another peak. Luckily. It was just a pleasure to watch a woman devouring junk food like that. Most women he knew were limiting themselves to salad and other healthy and slimline food way too often for his liking.

“Do you remember that third night that we left together to come here?” Oliver asked and pushed another couple of French Fries into his mouth. “We kind of got stuck here because we were talking so much.”

“And my mom woke up and freaked out,” Felicity remembered nodding her head with a chuckle. “She called the police.”

“And then she called my parents to calm her down and tell her that everything was okay.”

“Who told her that you weren’t home either.” Felicity grinned, shaking her head. “They were so mad at us when we returned home.”

“Which is weird because they should have been celebrating.”

Felicity nodded her head firmly. “Absolutely. They always wanted us to be together and, even though we haven’t been together-together that night, at least we were spending time together alone. They could have pretended that we were spending the night at the riverside to make out like all the other kids.”

“Exactly,” Oliver agreed. “When Thea texted me that our parents found out, I thought I’d come home to my mom drinking a bottle of champagne in the middle of the night and planning a party to celebrate that we had finally gotten together.”

Felicity wiped her lips with the paper napkin and lifted her water to her lips. Looking at him, she took some sips before she folded her arms on the tabletop. The expression in her eyes turned serious.

“I hope you know that we can never tell our mothers about this or anything that might happen between us in the future.”

“They will start planning our wedding and the birth of our first child.”

There was something flickering in Felicity’s eyes. It was the first glance of nervousness since they had stepped into BBB. She swallowed down a lump in her throat and sucked in a deep breath. She tried to hide it from him, but Oliver could see it nonetheless. They knew each other too well for him not to notice.

He smiled soothingly, knowing that it was big step from their first date to their first child. They had barely gotten through this evening before. Talking about kids, even if just as shallowly as his mention right now, was a big step. Who knew if there was anything happening from here anyway?

The thought made Oliver’s heart skip a beat.

“Even worse,” Felicity said eventually, her voice slightly breathless. “They will never stop telling us that they told us so.”

Oliver chuckled. “I can already envision the scene when we tell them.”

“Oh yes.” Felicity took her burger and took a bite. “We are all together in the mansion, just like in our childhood.”

“Then we tell our parents and-“

“-of course they won’t believe us.”

Oliver couldn’t help but smile even more widely. He loved that, by now, he and Felicity knew each other well enough to finish each other’s sentences. They were just so used to being together and sharing all of their thoughts with each other that they had always gotten predictable to each other.

“They will stare at us and give us time to explain ourselves,” Felicity continued eventually. “They don’t dare to believe us because they think we are kidding.”

“And they don’t want to be disappointed when it all turns out to be a ruse.” Oliver nodded his head as he could see the scene playing out in front of his eyes clearly. “But in the end, they do believe us.”

“And they are screeching,” Felicity agreed. “So loud that our ears and our heads hurt and the windows probably shatter.”

Oliver chuckled. He couldn’t say that he had ever heard his mother screech like that. He actually envisioned her smiling at them brightly and wrapping her arms around them to hug them firmly. When it came to Donna, he didn’t doubt that there would be screeching though.

Some of the tension Oliver hadn’t even known that had been in his muscles, eased away. When Felicity could see them telling their parents about the thing between them as much as he could, that just had to be a good sign.

Felicity swallowed another bite of her burger before she frowned at Oliver. “Do you think your father told your mom what happened between us?”

“No,” Oliver replied without hesitation and shook his head. “My dad knows that we have to work it out ourselves before anyone else can know about it.”

Smiling softly, Felicity took in a deep breath and nodded to herself like she needed time to process his answer. Oliver gave her all the time she needed. He’d give her the entire night if that's what she needed.

“I am sorry for telling him about what happened between us by the way,” she said quite soon though. She cocked her head slightly and shot him a warm smile. “He asked me what was going on with me, and I kind of broke down in front of him. I couldn’t lie to him, and it actually felt good to talk to someone about what happened. Still, I am sorry that it was your dad I talked to. You should have been able to turn to him if you wanted to.”

Without thinking about it, Oliver leaned forward and grabbed Felicity’s hand. He laced his fingers through hers and squeezed her hand gently.

“It’s okay,” he told her. “I mean I was mad at you about it for like five seconds.”

Felicity smiled. “That’s quite long for us.”

“True.” Oliver chuckled. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I am glad that you trusted in dad because I know he feels like he is as much your dad as he is mine.”

“Which would make us siblings.”

Oliver scrunched up his nose at Felicity’s words. “Gross.”

Felicity chuckled, pushing the rest of her burger into her mouth. “Right?”

He was still frowning when Felicity’s chuckling infected him eventually. He tuned into it and shook his head, pushing that thought far away from him. He and Felicity had lived like siblings for a couple of weeks, but that was all. They weren’t siblings by blood or by law or even by the way life had treated them. There was no reason for them to let that thought get in between what was building between them.

“What I was saying,” Oliver said eventually, shaking his head to shake off these thoughts, “is that I know my dad loves you very much. He isn’t your dad by blood, but he did his best to fill the void your dad left for you.”

“And he did it so well,” Felicity whispered, tears of affection welling in her eyes. “Nobody could have done it but him.”

Oliver squeezed her hand. He hadn’t meant to make her cry, but it was impossible to talk about the meaning his dad had for her life without bringing back some emotional memories and thoughts. Noah’s departure had left a void in Felicity’s life that had left lasting ramifications on her. It would have been even worse if she hadn’t found a new dad in Robert.

“It meant a lot to him that you trusted him.” Oliver nodded slowly, knowing it was true. “I might have been mad for five seconds, but I was so mad at everything, especially at myself, at that times that it really shouldn’t count. Since you became my best friend, I have always been happy to share everything I have with you. If you need or even just want a dad, I am happy to share mine with you.”

He squeezed her hand once more and wiped away that single tear that had fallen from her eyes. His thumb brushed over the soft skin under her eyes, and he could almost feel how his thumb was so calloused that it felt quite rough against her soft skin.

Felicity rested her hand and put it to the back of his. She held his hand to her cheek, snuggling her face into the touch of his hand. Closing her eyes, she stayed like that for a moment and took some deep breath until she had calmed down a little.

When she lowered her hand eventually, she was taking in a sniffling breath, but she was smiling through the tears that were still in her eyes. He didn’t need her to say it to know that she wanted to avoid that subject for the rest of the evening. He guessed that was enough of heavy heart-to-heart anyway.

“So,” Felicity said, her voice still a little hoarse from the tears, and looked at his burger with interest. “Is your offer to let me try still on the table?”

Oliver chuckled and handed her his plate. “Always.”

Smiling, Felicity rubbed her hands together and looked at the burger he had ordered. He had made sure that it was something she liked, so she could indeed steal it from him. She took the burger and lifted it to her mouth.

“Delicious,” she said with full mouth. “You don’t mind if I eat all of it, right?”

Oliver smiled, shaking his head. “Not at all.”

He watched her eating that burger with as much passion as she had ate her own, and he couldn’t help but fall even more in love with her. He just wished they could stay here forever, living in this moment of just being together without anyone or anything around them because this, them sitting here and eating burgers, just felt perfect.

* * *

Smiling softly, Oliver watched Felicity’s face. In the dark of the night with only the light from the streetlamps falling on the features of her face, she looked even more beautiful it seemed. Her eyes were directed at something in front of her, but she wasn’t really looking. The expression in her eyes was hazy like she was actually somewhere far away, probably at that one place that was responsible for the warm smile on her lips.

Oliver squeezed Felicity’s hand and angled his head to brush his lips against the crown of her head. Felicity’s smile widened and she leaned her head back to look at him. She tried to hide it, but Oliver could see how tired she really was.

“Tired?” Oliver stroked the knuckles of his fingers against her cheek, smiling at the way she blushed at his touch. “You look tired.”

“Maybe a little,” Felicity replied with a quiet sigh and snuggled her head back to his shoulder. His free hand grabbed his forearm and rubbed it up and down there. “These last couple of weeks have just been so exhausting.”

Oliver didn’t reply to that. He knew how exhausting have been for him too. Their night together had caused so many confusing emotions to run through them. Their internal disarray had been incredibly exhausting. He himself felt like he could sleep for a month.

“You’ll be home soon,” Oliver whispered into her hair and snuggled his cheek against the crown of her head. “Then you can sleep.”

They made the rest of the way in silence, enjoying their nightly walk through Felicity’s street. Although they had been tired when they had decided to head home, they had both agreed that they wanted to walk rather than calling a cab. Neither of them had been ready to say goodbye to each other just yet.

Although Oliver was tired and he knew Felicity was tired too, a quiet sigh fell from his lips when they arrived in front of Felicity’s door. He wished that he could have spent more time with Felicity. No matter how much time they had spent together in their lives already or even today, it just didn’t feel like it would ever be enough again.

“So,” Felicity said, ringing in the end of this date, “this was a nice night.”

Oliver smiled and stroked his thumb over the knuckles of her hands. “Yes, it was.”

This had probably been the nicest evening he had spent in a lot of time. Eating burgers at BBB and just chatting with Felicity was all that he had needed. It was familiar and still so fresh and doing him so much good that it was hard to put it into words.

There were so many things Oliver still needed to tell Felicity. There was so much he was feeling and thinking that she needed to hear. He just wasn’t sure how much of that he could tell her already. This was their first date after all.

“This was more than nice actually,” Oliver said eventually. “I get lucky with every minute that I get to spend with you in my life. You are always channeling the best sides of me and you allow me to feel like I can really be myself. It’s a feeling I don’t have with many other people.”

He knew that he could just stop here. He hadn’t said anything that should be new to Felicity. She knew how much she meant to him, and she knew the effects she had had on his life. As long as he was stopping here, it could all be referred to their friendship.

Oliver knew that it was the safest to stop here. If he stopped here, he didn’t have anything to lose. Even if Felicity told him that she enjoyed this evening but didn’t feel anything more, he’d be safe with it. He could just pretend that it was the same for him and keep her as his friend. It would be incredibly hard, but it might be easier than not having her in his life at all.

After all these years, he just didn’t want to be safe. He wanted to go all in and take all the risks there were because he knew that it was right.

“When we were in high school,” Oliver said, his voice hoarse from emotions, “I realized that I had a crush on you. My first instinct was to go all in and take a shot, but then you showed up with Cooper.”

Oliver shook his head, remembering how hurt he had been. Back in high school, he had been so used to having women fall for him that Felicity’s sudden interest in Cooper had almost shocked him. He had had no idea what to do with that, so he had just done nothing. It had felt like the safest option.

“I thought I was over that crush,” Oliver said eventually, frowning at his own words because those memories seemed so far away. “When you told my dad that you just considered the offer instead of taking it, I figured that you couldn’t possibly feel the same way for me. Hence, I decided that I had to move on. Getting engaged to McKenna seemed like the best way to do that.”

So many times, John had pointed out that he had proposed to McKenna right after Felicity had asked for time instead of taking the offer. Every time, Oliver had denied that there was any causal connection. Deep inside, he had always known that there had been a connection though. If Felicity had just taken the offer, he would have never proposed because there would have been that tiny part of himself that would have hoped that maybe she could finally feel the same way for him.

Oliver wished he could turn back time and go through the last years again. He wanted to detect the moment that she had fallen in love with him, so he could do everything differently than he had done it now.

Felicity was looking at him with eyes wide open. She was taking him in intensely, making sure that she didn’t miss anything that could possibly be seen on his face. Her hand was still safe in his, her fingers holding onto his hand firmly.

His heart was already beating rapidly, and his breath felt like it had trouble to get into his lungs or out of it. He had shared so much of his heart already, but he knew there was one final thing to say. Even though it could destroy the intimate atmosphere they had settled in, he needed to say it.

“Uhm.” Oliver cleared his throat and lowered his eyes for a moment until he had the courage to say what he knew he needed to say. “I remember that you once said that you could never be with someone who cheated once because you would always be afraid that he would cheat on you too.”

He could see Felicity sucking in a deep breath before she lowered her eyes, staring at her feet. She probably remembered that she had indeed said that to him once. If he was lucky, she was trying to make up reasons for why it was different with him.

Oliver figured it was best to give her a reason why she could still trust him.

“Usually, I would never cheat on anyone,” Oliver said, whispering the words. “I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I had sex with a lot of women, but I have never cheated on any of them, and I never planned on doing so now.”

Cheating was a big issue. Oliver had never cheated on any girlfriend before, and he had never been cheated on. Still, he was sure that being with someone who cheated on their last partner wasn’t easy. It caused trust issues because someone who had cheated once might to do it again and again and again.

Oliver knew that. He had heard his parents fight about it more than once.

Sucking in a deep breath, he gathered his courage to lock eyes with Felicity once more. He hadn’t even noticed that he lowered his eyes while they had been talking.

“There is no excuse for me cheating on McKenna, but I can guarantee you that I would never cheat on you,” Oliver said firmly. “My heart has just always been with you and only you.”

He let those words sink in, letting them fill his chest. As exaggerated those words might sound, he could feel their truth in his heart. His heart had always been hers.

“It’s crazy that I only really realized now how much I love you.”

The words spilled from Oliver’s lips before he even knew what he was saying. Only when Felicity’s eyes widened slightly, Oliver thought his words through. There was a moment of shock for him too when he realized what he had been saying. For a split second, he considered taking the words back or pretending that he had just said them out of the moment.

Telling someone you loved them was a big step in every relationship. He and Felicity had jumbled over the usual order of steps in a relationship, he guessed. They had known everything about the other years before going on their first date. It was only fair that their first declaration of love was said early.

Oliver’s heart was beating wildly while he was waiting for Felicity to say or do anything. She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but no word came out of her throat. The only thing falling from her lips was a strangled throat.

When her gaze flickered to his lips, Oliver stepped towards Felicity. He was still holding on of her hand and laced his free fingers with her other hand now. His thumbs stroked over the back of her hands while he was moving close and closer to her.

Their lips were only a breath apart when he stopped. He looked into Felicity’s deep blue eyes that looked at him widely. It was intense to take her in from so close while he was feeling her breath ghosting over his face. He could almost hear the beat of her heart.

There was a long beat of silence that they enjoyed the intimate moment. Those seconds before their lips brushed together for a soft kiss always made everything inside Oliver tingle. With Felicity, it seemed to be a thousand times more intense though. With her, everything felt so much more intense.

Eventually, Felicity leaned in the rest of the way. Their lips touched in a soft kiss. The tingling that had built everywhere in Oliver’s body in the seconds before the touch seemed to be exploding now. Like fireworks, it spread into every cell of his body and caused him to feel utterly content and hyped with joy.

Oliver pulled Felicity’s bottom lip between both of his. He only opened his lips enough to make her lip fit between both of his. Then he sucked at it lightly, gathering her taste on his lips.

As much as Oliver wanted to deepen the kiss, he didn’t do so. This right here felt the perfect first kiss they should have had if things had been less screwed up. He wouldn’t screw it up now that he got a second chance.

When their lips parted, they still stayed close. Their noses brushed together for a moment before Oliver leaned back in. He pecked Felicity’s lips once more, just touching them with his gently for a brief moment.

A soft sigh fell from both of their lips as their foreheads came to rest together. Their hands were still holding on tightly, unwilling to let go of each other. After these last few weeks they had spent apart because of what had happened between them, they just needed to be as close as possible now.

Still, Oliver pulled back eventually. He smiled at the soft smile on Felicity’s lips and the glassy expression in her eyes. His hands squeezed hers gently.

“We will take this slow, okay?”

There was a not so quiet voice in his head, complaining that this was not what he wanted. Admittedly, the idea of taking things slow instead of ravishing Felicity already bothered him a little. He couldn’t deny that it felt a little like they had been waiting too long already.

After all, they had waited so long that a little more time wouldn’t hurt them now. He’s rather do it right than rush it and screw it up at the end. This was just too important to risk anything, especially ruining it.

“We will just take it slow, one day at a time,” Oliver repeated. “This is still new for us. We have been friends for so long. This will be something completely different. We will need our time to get used to it and to make it work. We need to settle into this new normal. It’s going to take some time and it’s not necessarily going to be easy, but we will make it. We have made it through so many steps in our lives. Even if we lost each other or lost ourselves from time to time, we always found our way back. I am sure it will be the same here.”

Felicity nodded slowly, looking at him closely. Oliver was feeling like she was holding her breath. He squeezed her hands, but it didn’t elicit any reaction from her.

“We will take our time,” Oliver just repeated once more, making sure that he wasn’t ambushing Felicity any more than he had already ambushed her with his early declaration of love. “We will not rush anything. We won’t forget that our… that all of this started before this first date, but we will not let that push us to do anything we aren’t ready for. Just like we won’t let the long history of our friendship push us past our comfort zones. We will take this one step at a time and one day at a time.”

Oliver’s brow furrowed slightly as he was taking in Felicity’s reaction. She was looking at him with wide eyes, her front teeth burrowed in her bottom lip slightly. She was holding her breath, but her heart was beating so loudly that Oliver could actually hear it. The force seemed to make Felicity shake with the intensity of it.

Unsure if he should say anything, Oliver just waited. Felicity had been conspicuously silent these last couple of minutes. That didn’t sound like Felicity at all. Usually, she was always talking. When she was happy, she was talking. When she was excited, she was talking. Even when she was nervous, she was talking.

The only two emotions that caused her to be silent were utter content and heartbrokenness. From the expression on her face, Oliver knew it couldn’t be the first, but it didn’t look quite like the latter either.

He was already taking in a breath to say her name and, with that, prompt her to say something, when a single sentence fell from Felicity’s lips.

“Oliver, I’m pregnant.”

* * *

@fannaz @promiseyoullbepatientwithme @bytemegeekette @felicity-said-just-in-case @phanseptiic @orangeisorange @mspotatohead14 @whentheheavenfades @emmaamelia95 @smoakingskye @seaolicity @ourwritinginvein @1022bridgetp @felicityqueenforever @leagueofolicity17 @yryssss @myhauntedblacksoul @sherlock44 @sinceriouslybea @arrowsalways @olivyflavescentdeer @olicitys-castle @ofnothingcharming @vaelisamaza @smoakedandcharmed @alexisa1206 @mysaudadespt2 @florence-bubbles @addictiontelly @queens-of-arrows @memcjo @hysterical-for-joshifer @oswinelevenforever @olicitylovemaking @bandanab310 @mymusiclove101 @lynslogic @scarletqueen23 @olicityshipper19 @alex-wesley @arrows-4ever @unabashedlynerdypatrol @louehmysoul @ligiapimenta @chattyyana @charlie-leau @coal000 @samcrowleys @ishippolivia @julianegomesqueen @malafle @miriam1779 @charlinert @melaux @ontheolicityship @myshipperlife @wrightainsley @lexi9515 @ladygreenwood @multi-fandom-crazy-fangirl @morinamel @mje-thomas @kebarry @canadianheartgirl @nannett2307 @almondblossomme @paarti12 @kathrynelizabeth89 @imdfabulous @cutearrowgirl @mrt2501 @mecha1330 @arsipaci14 @mzminx @salasvia @brandis91 @cainc3 @morganmiguess @pr0fessi0nal-fangurl @iamisalima @nessafrancis-blog @jonhdiggle @niki-is-amazing @universed-posts @hopeful-warrior @senoritaswiftie @bellemmie @green-arrows-of-karamel @iheartarrow @olicityovereverything @oliverfel4 @navyaarsha @fandoms-breathe-life @simone4mcswarek @olicity-in-the-heart @fullychippedcreation @geemarie @everything-but-normal-cat @myarroworld @tjmartinez @pleasantfanandstudent @itsmagnoliagirl @j69confessional2 @scentedcolorpirate @icanica74 @javinancupil @tjmartinez98 @certainmentalityface @tatianadamaceno @ryelew @wildwillowzepplin @missafairy @letsplaymurde-r @lipizette @positivepiper @nuttymilkshakehologram @laksagirl @turnupthemusicandscream @pumpernickle93 @onceuponanolicity @1106angel @jaspertown @fadinglands @morganashimi83 @mochababychristy @omglovechrissie @mariejr88-blog @thetaufactor @onceuponanolicity @speakandseethetruth @bri206 @aglasgo @thats0klaroline @geemarie @pineprincess @nerdgirljen @peterpanslostgirl666 @eternal-olicity14 @allyouhadtodowas-stay-stay-stay @lovelycssefan @tsseract @flowerandsunshine @dcnmarvelgamergeek @blondeeoneexox @monetsmark @soaring-cities @bb-olicity @mashamarty @rulerofsilence @erika-amber @felicity087 @i-claim-only-emily @pattid1 @westallenandolicityshipper @babyolicityandwestallen @nothingmorethanmyotps @kayleenyc @tonto16 @olicityfluv @olicitea1990 @olicity5ever @haahaaa2408 @pattid1 @faegal04 @24karatgem @wrldtravler @readerkas @valery6488 @lemmyeatspeaches @olicity-beliver @greencoffeecups

#arrow #olicity #olicity fic #olicity fanfic #mothers know best

[haelroyale]

How to Deal With Stress Positively

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How to Deal With Stress Positively

How to deal with stress positively

First off, before we get into how to deal with stress positively, I want to just debunk the misconception that anxiety is an unavoidable aspect of living. I do not think that. I decide not to believe that because even though stress is widespread, everyone here has probably experienced stress in life.

Life can be stressful at times. I believe that if you meditate, you will have the ability to achieve a little state of zen in which you are so so present you’re never stressed.

I think that it is likely to exist much more worry-free and longer stress-free. Don’t believe that stress is unavoidable because it is avoidable.

Today I’m going to share some tips on how to deal with stress positively. My first tip on how to deal with stress positively is to:

1) Take a shower or a bath.

There is a definite feeling about cleansing yourself, which also cleanses yourself emotionally. It washes your energy by removing those impurities away. It relaxes you.

Also, make sure to hydrate and drink lots of water, then a bath or shower, and you will feel so much better.

2) Be present.

You notice that, once you’re stressed, you’re usually feeling stressed or apprehensive about the future since it’s unsure.

You are unsure whether you are gonna pass this test, or you’re uncertain whether something is definitely going to be a certainty, and that may drive us mad if we allow it to.

But when you’re in the now, you’re focused on whatever’s in front of you. And in case you haven’t noticed: You can always handle the present moment.

So whatever obstacle is happening in your own life, if it’s the situation you are in at the moment, you are going to deal with it.

But usually, we are worried because we are attempting to deal with the problem which has not happened yet. It’s later on. That’s what’s causing the stress.

Know your power is here in the present moment. It is possible to think of the time you had a test in school coming up, and you were anxious about it.

You were really stressed out preparing or studying, or perhaps procrastinating made you stressed out. But when you’re really there taking the exam, you are not stressing out.

You are focused, you’re flowing. You are like, Okay, allow me to figure out this. Let me do this…” You’re solving the issue facing you.

Stress is a trick your brain plays on you before anything is actually happening. Stress is your anticipation, not the activity. Concentrate on the job in an instant, and you’ll be okay.

3) Brain dump.

Write it all down. When you journal all of your thoughts out, worries, and anxieties, you notice what is causing your stress, and you see how silly some of your concerns or fears maybe.

This may help you feel more clear then, so you’re not in your head all the time. You’ll be able to organize your thoughts a bit when you view it down on paper.

You might give yourself advice in your journal session. Usually, I only help myself when I am journaling it out. I’m worried about this, or I am concerned about that.

But also: this, this, and this. It’s okay because of this, this, and this. That means that you can use journaling as a tool to alleviate your anxiety, to inform yourself that it is going to be okay.

You might also utilize this session to assist you in planning out those future actions to help you escape this situation. You can use it as productive time, plan for your next baby steps, and see what beliefs or thoughts are holding you back.

Really use it to get clear. The fourth step on how to deal with stress positively is:

4) Talk to someone and get help.

Sometimes you want an outsider’s view to have the ability to understand your situation clearly. Speaking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you set you at ease and alleviate your tension and anxiety and feel in peace.

A fantastic resource to get connected with a licensed therapist online is BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is for cheap, personal counseling. Their website and the app offer access to accredited, trained, and certified counselors and therapists so that they can get assistance anytime, anywhere.

How it works is they pair you with a counselor who is right for you. You’ll be able to find a description of your therapist, their specialties, years of expertise, and reviews from other clients too.

If you don’t vibe with the one that you got, you may always change the therapist you have. In my situation, I was matched by BetterHelp the same day, and we scheduled a live video conversation.

So that was my very first experience with speaking to a therapist. And at the very first session, it was refreshing to have the ability to talk about anxieties and my issues frankly.

I cried a lot in the first session, which I ultimately did not anticipate. But it’s just been really healing and another experience to try.

In case you’re interested, definitely, check out BetterHelp because it’s so accessible and straightforward to utilize.

5) Detach yourself from the outcome and trust the process.

Understand in life you’ll find things that you can control and items that you can’t control. And it is useless, and it is a waste of time to focus and worry about matters that are outside of your control.

Therefore concentrate which you can get a handle on. Do your best and discharge your control of the outcome. Consider having this fresh perspective.

When you don’t care what happens, you are living more carefree, you have zero expectations. Whatever happens, happens.

The idea is that life will simply take you in these directions. You’ll have challenges, and sometimes, however, everything placed before you in life, everything is given for you, is there to allow you to grow, to help you learn, to gain strength.

So expect that whatever is in front of you is whatever you need to grow. A comfortable life isn’t real, there isn’t any simple life, there isn’t any ideal life.

Bad things are gonna happen. Challenges are gonna happen. So as long as you have the mindset: I am just going to perform my best and not care about the outcome. I’m here to learn, you’ll be okay.

6) Meditate

Meditation should be done every day as it’s one of the foundation habits, one of being more stress-free, carefree, joyful in the life of the main hints.

It has so many benefits. If you were able to meditate 5 minutes daily, you would feel the benefits of a sound mind and a centered soul.

Meditation is learning to realign with your soul and softening the noise around you, and remembering that your soul within, it’s always still, it’s always secure.

Your soul is invincible. So meditation is a reminder to come back to that and realize that everything around is just temporary.

It’s not going to stay like that forever. Anyway, if it’s difficult for you to meditate, you can definitely try guided meditations like Calm or Headspace. Or you could try spa music.

I really like Spotify spa music in the background sometimes, just because it’s so relaxing. There’s also a quote that I heard once that really stuck with me, something like: “Fifteen minutes of meditation a day is essential. If you are busy, then an hour is necessary.”

I actually think that’s a quote that keeps coming up in my meditation app Zenfriend. But anyway, it’s super accurate that you should meditate every day, but if you are busier or if you are more stressed, then you should meditate longer.

I know it’s counter – when you’re busy, you’re like, “I don’t have time for meditation.” But when you are working is when you need it most.

7) Take care of yourself.

Take care of your body, your health, your well-being. Don’t forget that self-care always comes first, because you have to be okay to function in everyday life.

So make sure you’re eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, getting enough sleep. It really is the basics. And I know that when we’re busy or stressed, we tend to sacrifice things like that.

We tend to cut sleep, we tend to eat unhealthy because it’s more convenient. But when you’re busy, that’s actually the time that you need those things more.

The busier you are, the more you own it to yourself to take care of yourself. Lastly, I want to leave you guys with a quote that I really like.

It’s by Dale Carnegie: “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

That just means that, when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, worried, which are all versions of fear, it means that it’s all happening in your head.

And the best thing that you can do to get out of that state is to simply take action. To my point of being present, focus on what you can do right now in the present moment and do your best.

That’s the best that you can do. And when you start to take action, you will feel like – the fear dissolves because you’re so focused on what you’re doing.

So when you just sit home, and you’re just thinking, of course, you’re gonna feel stressed and scared. But when you’re taking action, you feel more confident, and you have more courage and bravery to keep going and to just get things done.

So I send you guys all of that positive energy, all of that just-do-it energy. And I hope that whatever stress you’re going through right now, that you just take a step back from your life, appreciate it for what it is, be grateful for everything that you have, and just relax.

We all need to just appreciate the beauty. After you do that, focus on what’s in front of you and get to work. I hope these tips on how to deal with stress positively have helped you in some way. Thank you for stopping by and have a blessed day!

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