authenticleviackerman

[authenticleviackerman]

I remember how I made this post, well, I'm picking up my boy In 2 months :)

I'd love to one day own a Devon Rex cat. I'm a disabled man and life gets lonely. Would be nice to have a pet which asks for company. I really love their unusual appearance too, the downside is that they cost a lot. But, a dream is a dream 💙 (photo doesn't belong to me)

#pets #cats #devon rex #disabled #cerebral palsy #cat #new pet

[authenticleviackerman]

Sometimes I wonder what my life's purpose is. Thing is, I've never seen any meaning in it, it never seemed interesting or somehow worth it. But, if it puts a smile on your face, I'll walk through hell and back.

#my writing #creative writing #original writing #writing #my quotes #love quotes #poems and quotes #quote #literary quotes #am writing #love

[authenticleviackerman]

The way I'd love to be friends with people who like Levi ackerman but then I remember most of them are dirty minded simps

#attack on titan #snk levi #levi ackerman #levi aot #captain levi

[authenticleviackerman]

My 70 year old grandpa just got diagnosed with lung cancer, and I feel guilty for being so anxious and depressed that I've wanted to die for years now.

I wonder why do the people who want to live suffer so much gazing into the face of death, and those who wish so much to die seem to evade it unscathed.

I'm very afraid of people telling me to just "snap out of it and be happy"

I'm very afraid of a part of me which went numb and seemed to accept that he's going to die, instead of thinking he'll survive.

I feel like a demon.

#actually mentally ill #depression #general anxiety disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #cancer #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #depressing shit #sad thoughts #my thougts #spilled thoughts

[authenticleviackerman]

As a disabled person, I rarely go out. When I do, I'm glad. Lately it's been harder staying home, and I'm vocal about it. My mom compares me to another one of my friends "look, he's home all day too, does he complain?" No. He does not.

Why? Because his fam doesn't come to his room at random fucking times of day asking him what he created today, doesn't tell him all you do is watch shows. Bro is fucking playing with coloring books, which is in no way wrong. I'm happy he enjoys it. I enjoy watching anime and reading books. What happens at certain times is my self help books obsessed family tells me my every issue is "with my thoughts" and that in just "wasting time" watching anime and reading books. The only time they don't bitch about me Is when we're out. THAT'S why I don't like being at home. I don't mind being at home alone. I mind being at home WITH THEM. God, I wish I could just die. I don't enjoy life and I never did, not even when I was 5.

I write poetry by the way. But they don't like it not being positive, which is why I never show them. Some people just don't seem to get that a love poem is born from love, sad poem from sadness.

#vent post #tw vent #vent #generalized anxiety disorder #depression #disabled #cerebral palsy

[authenticleviackerman]

The thing I fear the most is dying alone.

#my quotes #tw death #deep feelings #tw depressing thoughts #generalized anxiety disorder #relatable

[authenticleviackerman]

I wonder how many people with anxiety and/or depression have felt non human at some point in their life? Like I've seen it a couple of times and as a person who feels the same way at least in theory, I wonder if there's more of us?

#book #depression #generalized anxiety disorder #alienation #music #no longer human #dazai osamu #dead mayhem #tw depressing thoughts #deep thoughts

[authenticleviackerman]

Any tips for surviving a psychward as a wheelchair user with Cerebral Palsy? I've never been anywhere alone before so any tips on taking care of myself are appreciated. Thank you.

#disabled #cerebral palsy #psych ward #generalized anxiety disorder #self care #depression #mobility aid #wheelchair

[authenticleviackerman]

I sent my poetry to my therapist, she suggested a psych ward. I mean, she's right but, welp.

#my writing #aspiring writer #writer community #personal poetry #my poetry #depression #general anxiety disorder #creative writers #writers of tumblr #writers #creative writing #writerscommunity #tumblr writers #writing #writblr #writeblr #am writing #actually mentally ill #mentally unstable #writer things #writers on tumblr

[authenticleviackerman]

I find it funny when a hive mind is bashing another hive mind. The beehive is way too large. You're almost bound to be a part of one, whether you fancy it or not.

#my thougts #deep thoughts #philosophy #spilled thoughts #ideas #nihilism #misanthropy #my quotes #quote

[authenticleviackerman]

I don't consider myself a people person. Struggling with depression, anxiety and insomnia on top of being physically disabled gets in the way of socialization for me sometimes. But on the days where I feel somewhat okay and I have the energy to smile, I do, because the thought of making someone's day better helps me as well.

#deep thoughts #spilled thoughts #positivity #trying #depression #generalized anxiety disorder #insomia #cerebral palsy #disability

[authenticleviackerman]

One musician saved my life multiple times over the course of 7 years. Yesterday, I found out he'll sing again after a few years break, way too far from me, but I got hope that I might see him one day. It's the only dream I had by turning 13. Feels nice to know I don't have to give up on it.

#hope #dream #meet and greet #music #marilyn manson

[authenticleviackerman]

As a disabled person with anxiety and depression, the thought of having to hold a job is paralyzingly terrifying. I don't think I can do anything well enough to make money even if I learned English on my own as a Slovak man. How did you overcome this? How do you make money? I'd also love to make money for a binder as a trans man with backpain, hoping spectrum binders are better than GC2B, because the dysphoria is real. I wish I wasn't anxious to take T or get top surgery, would do it tomorrow :/

#disabled #jobless #cerebral palsy #gc2b #chest binding #money

[authenticleviackerman]

I'm bored so I thought I might drop my discord here. Hit me up if you feel like talking. I like books, writing roleplay, anime, manga, cosplaying, I write poetry and play games. If you happen to be bored like me, feel free to add me.

nathaniel_2003

#discord chat #looking for friends

[authenticleviackerman]

Sometimes I wish I could draw. Seeing my favourite characters going through the same things I am is comforting to me.

#comfort character #fanart #drawing #artwork #art #fictional characters #fiction

[authenticleviackerman]

TW: suicide, homophobia, transphobia

I think the hardest thing I've had to learn today is that I think people say suicide is selfish only because they think they own you and if you commit suicide they lose a belonging. I told my cousin I may be starting Testosterone this year as a trans person in a state that doesn't let me change my name or do anything before I take hormones for at least a year so I told her this and she told me how anticonception made her feel bad and it's not worth it. I explained to her how starting T would be my last resort and how I've been agonizing over it for 7 years meaning I either do it or I die.

She proceeded by saying how it would pass the pain onto my parents, to which I replied that's exactly why I need to do something. I want to stay alive. I said how I was nervous to come out to my trans and homophobic uncle (who i love very much and who claims that he'll always love me) and she said it's my problem as if being trans for me is a choice....

I've spent most of my life feeling out of place, like I wasn't even really alive until I found out what being trans was. Then, the emptiness had a name and I was excited about testosterone and top surgery. Then I found kalvin Garrah who tells other people who is and isn't trans for some reason, and me being only a 13 year old kid who lives in a non English speaking homophobic country who was just questioning, I got shaken to the core. I tried not being trans so many times, each time got me the same feeling of numbness I had experienced before I started thinking of myself as male. I was worried I'm "not trans enough" because I wasn't suicidal because of dysphoria, therefore I wasn't trans. However I always came back to using he him pronouns because It felt RIGHT. I felt like I'm ALIVE.

I'm still terrified I'll regret taking testosterone. But I know that if I can't even change my name or get top surgery, I CAN'T go on like this.

I just wish that one day, if I do take T and survive because the only thing that helps me live is being perceived as a male, my uncle will understand.

I think this is why pride is important. People should know we're just trying to live like everybody else.

#trans hrt #transgender #lgbtq #ftm hrt #trans advice #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #depressing shit #homophobia #transphobes #sadnees #general anxiety disorder #trans pride #pride #lgbt pride

[authenticleviackerman]

So I'm trans and I've known I am a man for around 7 years now, I am 20 but I will soon begin my transition "officially" other than being diagnosed with gender dysphoria. However, my problem is, I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and although I am sure about having top surgery, I am really reluctant about starting hormones, not because of a certain reason, just simply the abstract what if it's not for me and I am going to regret it. So my course of planned action would be to change my name first and top surgery, then T if needed as I look quite masculine and pass surprisingly well, but damn k want the effects of T (except maybe like potential balding even though it doesn't run in my family. I've been using my male name for all these 7 years, friends have been calling me by it for 3 years some for a longer time, wardrobe fully masculine, and everything, feminine presentation gives dysphoria, rare misgendering feels like a stab in the heart, the changes such as facial hair and fat redistribution n lower voice increased muscle mass would be fucking GREAT. I'm just scared I'm going to somehow regret it in the future (living as a woman is not an option for me. Hormones or not, I AM getting my name changed n top surgery for sure, because I saw myself with a binder which I can't wear due to issues with my back though I wanna try another brand to see if it gets any better, have GC2B which isn't even that great, so yeah I need a way to make some) but good God am I jealous of my brother and uncle in terms of how they look. Help? 😭

#transgender #lgbtq #trans advice #trans hrt #ftm hrt #gender dysphoria #top surgery #testosterone #please help #advice