#which is a good thing bc everyone close to me is worried abt my weight bc im naturally underweight

[ajaxpilled]

-

#non kink people are so weird to me bc #long story short i have finally gained some weight through many tropes i did not even realise were happening #which is a good thing bc everyone close to me is worried abt my weight bc im naturally underweight #and somebody mentioned it to me recently like oh wow so glad to see you’re getting better #and my bf who is completely blissfully utterly unaware of this kink and just rly likes cooking #put a HAND #on my STOMACH #and was like yeah you eat very well for me don’t you :) and kissed my forehead and Kept His Hand there for a while like ??? #ppl are way too open about weight fluctuations and how full or hungry they are for my liking like.. #how do u do all this and feel so normal and open about it #okay sorry #rambles #things such as this have happened before but this one had me so awkward #smile thru it they won’t find out they won’t find out they won’t find out !!!!! #ive only dated or been friends with people who have disordered eating or care for beauty standards before so it’s all New To Me #tw disordered eating #?

[hellonoblesky]

TELL ME ABOUT THE HIROTSU HEADCANONS !!!!

RUBBBING MY HANDS TOGETHER EEVILLY OK OK OK LETS GO LETS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Under a cut bc I got so invested talking abt this w Cio (bungoustraypups) that I made. several characters to accompany his backstory)

OH ALSO VIOLENCE WARNING LOL

Ok so two main things you need to know for this

1: Hirotsu trans ftm but I'm just gonn call him He this whole time. BUT NOTE: He doesn't come out until like right towards the end, so he's still presenting as a girl for most of this 2: in 70s Japan, girls weren't allowed to join gangs. In response to this, they made their own, called sukeban gangs

So basically to set the scene. Pre-bsd Yokohama. The Port Mafia has yet to rise to infamy. Sukeban gangs are forming in the streets. One of them features our Hirotsu as one of their members. A scrappy kid, not yet having fully discovered himself, and with so much pent up anger at the world that he doesn't quite know what to do with.

The gang he's in is small. There's members who come in and out of it, but there's four main members. They've got abilities. That's why they're the four main ones. And that's why they stick together.

(Yes they're my OCs sorry guys I got too silly <- isn't sorry at all)

So the lineup is as follows:

Inoue Youko: Her ability, Through Walls and War, allows her to see through walls when she closes her left eye. She's the team lookout, and can pull her weight in a fight pretty damn well

Saikita Hiroko: the group's mechanic and getaway artist. Her ability, Whispers in Metal, allows her to "understand" and "speak to" machines

Hino Koyuki: not a fighter or a runner, Koyuki is a thief and a schemer. Her ability, Down to the Bone, is a constantly active ability that causes her to only see living things as their internal workings. She can only see faces through photos and videos

And Hirotsu, of course

So the thing is. Their gang, because of their combined Abilities, gives them such a wild advantage over the other sukeban in the area, that the other gangs get sick of them, and start to Plot.

So while Hirotsu and the gang are busy trying to figure out what the hell they're supposed to make their living situation (they're fresh out of high school) (3/4 of them got kicked out of home due to their delinquency) (1/4 of them never really had a home to begin with)(not telling you which one tho)(It's Koyuki), almost every other sukeban gang converges on them.

It is not an easy fight. In fact, it's a fight so rough that their rivals manage to tear out Youko's right eye, the one she needs to look through in order to use her ability, essentially taking away her access to her ability as a whole. It's a fight so rough that it's the reason Hirotsu wears a monocle. Because his eye got fucked up in the brawl. And it's a fight so rough that it leaves the four of them clinging to an actively breaking down boat that Hiroko is desperately trying to keep running for dear life as they run.

It's about here Hirotsu comes out as trans and whatever, everyone else is chill with it, it's whatevs. They don't flaunt being Sukeban at this time anyway because they're trying to slip under the radar as they get back into Yokohama

This is when Hirostu stumbles into the Port Mafia. It wasn't as impressive as it is now at the time, but it was good enough that they could offer him a place to stay, and enough of a wage to send to his friends to keep them afloat while they worked things out. He doesn't want to get them involved in more gang wars. He's worried about Youko and how she's dealing with the loss of her ability. He's worried about Koyuki, who's frailer than the rest of them and shudders away from most people. And he's worried about Hiroko, who's snagging odd mechanics jobs just on the off chance she can grab lunch.

So he takes up the PM's offer. He does not let the other three join. They get into a fight about this. They split ways for a long time, but Hirotsu still sends money.

His loyalty to the PM becomes fierce. He forms the Black Lizard.

#turtledove answers #hirotsu sukeban baskstory is my. favorite backstory thought for him... #bsd shit

[starglow-xx]

(About the brother!atsushi) aRE YOU READING MY MIND MISS?! Because that has been on my mind for MONTHS. TYSM For writing it was amazing!! If you don't mind, may I request (if requests are open) atsushi, still an older brother, but with a sister that's 10-13 yrs old? It's totally fine if you don't wanna do it. Keep up the good stories, ily mwuah!

*sobs* you’re so kind thank youu 🤧🤧

i wrote this a bit differently i hope that’s okay anon! at first i planned for this to be mainly abt atsushi and the reader, but i decided to add in relationship hcs with the agency bc i ran out of ideas

if you guys liked this don’t worry! im planning a special part two for this one so be the look out for it hehe

atsushi with a tween! sister

ft. the armed detective agency

like in my baby sister hcs, you’re still the most important thing to him period

the two of you got picked up by dazai and kunikida when he was 18 (obviously) and when you were 12

for a 12 year old, you were a bit small bc of malnourishment (which makes atsushi feel so bad) so both dazai and kunikida thought you were a bit younger than you actually were

they assumed you were about 9-10ish

you and atsushi both share a favorite food !! chazuke :)

so when kunikida treated the two of you, he made sure you got more bowls bc like i mentioned above, he feels really bad that you were malnourished and under weight

(don’t bring this up but kunikida felt bad too hehe)

when dazai went with your brother to the warehouse, you were with kunikida

imagine the surprise of the other ada members when kunikida came in with a little girl dressed in rags that popped out from behind him

kenji was the one who vocalized his thoughts 

“kunikida-san you have a daughter?! wow! i didn’t know that! :D”

when you found out your brother was a tiger, you were a bit concerned but you were actually kind of excited

you were even more excited when you found out the two of you were going to be taken in by the agency

anything was better than the stupid orphanage

and besides!

you got a tiger for an older brother and a bunch of other super powered agents to take care of you! who could want anything else?

at your age, you’re very impressionable and can be influenced easily so atsushi makes sure to teach you more in depth of good morals and the importance of kindness

his heart swells with pride and relief when he catches you being kind to others

pride bc he’s proud that even after all the two of you have gone through, you still ended up being a good kid and having a bright view of the world

and relief bc he hasn’t failed as a big brother

pfftt like he could ever fail

but please, from time to time reassure him that he’s perfect and the only big brother that you’d ever want bc he rlly needs that kind of validation

with his salary and savings, he tries to buy nice things for you

what a sweetheart 🥺

he saw you eyeing that one dress at a store window? fast forward abt a week and half and it’s inside a pretty gift bag for you

you wanted to try that dessert from the nice bakery? that’s dessert after dinner at one point

but other than buying you things, he sets money aside for you

like all the time

(y/n), here have this, you might need it”

“but nii-san you just gave me—”

“take it”

#1 spoiler

also your #1 confidant and source of physical affection

you tell him anything and everything (except crushies and those kinds of things)

atsushi loves it when you talk abt your day and he can see the big smile on your face and the sparkle in your eyes

it gives him the strength to keep going 😖😖

the two of you aren’t as touch starved as you’d probably think, but that’s only bc the two of you had each other

in your opinion, no one can match the hugs of your big brother

and it got even better bc YAYY he has tiger arms now ٩(◕‿◕)۶

if you ask, he’d carry you around too hehe

you also get nightmares quite often so he’ll always be there ready to calm you down, talk if you need to, and rock you back to sleep

god i love him 🤧🤧

atsushi will do everything in his power to protect you and make sure you get to grow up happy, supported, and loved

port mafia attack? oop he’s already taking you to the nearest escape route

someone is starting to harass you? they just got suckered punched into the next week

you want to go out to have some fun? he’ll go ask the president for a day off

you’re not feeling well? he’ll take another day off and take care of you

whatever you want to do, he’ll do it with you! (as long as it’s within reason)

will always be your #1 supporter! and he’s the president of your fan club hehe

he loves you so so much and will do anything for you; your life and happiness will always be more important to him

you are his reason to keep going

agency head canons !!

atsushi is your big brother, but kunikida is most definitely some sort of father figure

everyone can see it

except kunikida of course

kunikida scolds you lightly if he thinks your manners need work or if you make a mess in the agency

you listen to him of course and in turn as some sort of a reward, he’ll give you pieces of stationary

he always gives you the nice, good quality kind and you’re over the moon

atsushi adores it when you come running to him showing your new notebook or fountain pen and blabbering what you’re going to do with it

sometimes it isn’t even as a reward for being a good child; he’ll just give it to you and he’ll say smth like “i noticed you’ve used up your last notebook quite quickly, so here’s another one” or “did you run out of ink? here have this then”

he usually has a soft spot for children in general, but he most definitely has a soft spot (or a thousand) for you

yosano is kind of like a motherly figure to you

she gives you the guidance a mother should and goes on shopping trips with you!

atsushi always gets dragged along by you, but he thinks it’s worth it seeing you look so happy

yosano being a doctor also tries to teach the things you should know, or things that would be helpful to you

she’ll teach you the basics of cooking, sewing, how to treat a cold/fever, etc

also gives you excellent advice 1000% of the time

“remember (y/n)-chan if someone hurts you come tell me and then i’ll chop them into—”

“yOSANO-SENSEI DONT TELL HER THAT—”

fukuzawa is like a father to most in the agency but you see him more as a grandfather figure

bi weekly tea and gossip sessions hehe

along with cat talk!

most of the time though, it’s just you talking and him listening to you, but the two of you enjoy it nonetheless

“and then kunikida-san ended up crashing into a pole and dazai-san started to laugh at him and i did too because it was really funny but we ended up getting scolded—”

“hmm i see...”

he’ll let you stay in his office as he fills out paperwork; you’re usually doodling or drawing in your notebooks

sometimes he’ll meditate and you’ll join him, but 4/7 times you’d fall asleep

you always wake up with a blanket over you

dazai is like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

frequently takes you out with him when he ditches work

walks in the park, eating at uzumaki so he has the excuse of treating you so he doesn’t have to pay his tab avoiding kunikida and sometimes chuuya and akutagawa, all that fun stuff

also tries to not talk abt suicide in front of you especially if it’s just the two of you alone

he knows that you mean the world to his pupil and that said pupil would probably hate him for putting suicide inside your brain

he teaches you random but useful things like how to pick a lock, how to steal kunikida’s notebook if you’re looking for some information, how to sweet talk your way out of things, etc.

is also the one to tell you that if you ever get a significant other to introduce them to the agency first

he always wants all of your gossip; some of them work pretty well for blackmail

“dazai-san! dazai-san! did you know that kunikida-san lost his glasses and he was looking for them for nearly an hour when he was just holding them the entire time??”

“woah really (y/n)-chan?! hey hey can you say it again into this recording device so kunikida-kun would believe me when i tell him—”

always ends up giving kunikida a heart attack when he says that you’ve been with him all day

ranpo is also like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

will share some of his snacks, but don’t push it or you might not get anything at all

loves it when you compliment him

if you tagged along with him and your brother on a case, he will show off to impress you

“...and that’s how the crime happened”

“UWAHH RANPO-SAN YOU’RE SO COOL”

atsushi is lowkey and kunikida is highkey stressed that ranpo’s eating habits will rub off on you

“ne (y/n)-chan do you wanna try this highly caffeinated drink and this concerning amount of sugar filled snack?”

“can i really?!”

“rANPO-SAN NO—”

ranpo definitely does stuff like that on purpose 

the tanizakis are like siblings to you!

a weird set of siblings but siblings nonetheless

the two of them adore you and think you’re precious

atsushi definitely knows how to do your hair whether it’s long or short but he got even better at it when he asked the two

hehe braid trains are definitely a thing + kyouka and kenji (and maybe even dazai)

sometimes you have sibling swap days

you’re with junichiro for most of the day and atsushi is with naomi

strange i know

each of the tanizaki siblings try to make it fun bc they know that the two of you did not at all have a happy upbringing

junichiro likes spending time with you by taking you out to different places that naomi likes to frequent

like the mall, different stores and restaurants, the park, places like those

naomi does the same thing with atsushi so if you ever bump into them, you go out and eat together :)

besides atsushi, the next one in line who spoils you the most would be junichiro (and yosano & kunikida both coming in at a close third)

he honestly can’t help it; you remind him of how naomi was when she was younger

and besides

he’s always been a sucker when it came to the happiness of a little sister

“would you really buy this for me junichiro-san?!”

“of course! don’t worry about it” :)

wanna talk abt boys/girls/celebrity crushes things like that? naomi is your girl

you feel a bit embarrassed to go talking to yosano or your brother abt that and kyouka does not know a thing abt them either

“uwahh naomi-san look at all these people in this magazine! they look so good!”

“right?! but of course onii-sama is still the best—”

you get along with kenji and kyouka quite nicely being roughly the same age as them; they’re also like siblings!

just pure, wholesome vibes from the three of you

you’re over the moon when she finds out that kyouka is staying with you and your brother

atsushi is twice as happy seeing you talk your mouth off and finally having a girl around your age to talk to

“do you think demon snow can change how she looks?”

“hmm... im not sure...”

you and kenji talk abt anything and everything

he even teaches you how to take care of plants!

sometimes the two of you are kind of in the same boat bc you don’t know much abt yokohoma being stuck in the orphanage and kenji doesn’t know much abt cities in general

“wait where are we again kenji-san?”

“ah we’re close to the ports! but im not really sure how close because i don’t know what the symbols on this sign mean”

“don’t worry! neither do i!”

bonus things!

yosano was kind of too late teaching you abt you know what

“NII-SAN IM BLEEDING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS”

you’re sobbing in the agency’s bathroom and atsushi is panicking trying to get you to open the door

“Y/N?! H-HOLD ON LET ME GET YOSANO SENSEI”

ranpo overhears and cackles making everyone around him confused

suddenly atsushi bursts in the agency basically on the verge of tears rambling incoherent sentences abt the bathroom, you, and blood

it just clicked for everybody in the room

(im going to pretend that kenji has sisters back home so that atsushi is the only one who remain oblivious here hehe)

atsushi is genuinely confused and sort of concerned that no one is freaking out with him

yosano waves her hand saying smth like that she’d take care of it and junichiro pulls atsushi to the side to talk to him

fast forward like half and hour and dazai and ranpo are cackling on the looks of both of your faces

honestly not sure who’s more traumatized, you or your brother

“why does this have to happen” :(

“ne ne (y/n)-chan!~ you’re too young but at some point you’re not going to have it!”

“uwahh really dazai-san?” :D

“yeah! but first you have to have ANFK—”

next thing you know your ears are being covered by your brother and dazai is thrown across the room by kunikida

you know

the normal

you’re twelve and have never gone to school, but the agency takes care of that

it’s too dangerous to go to school so they teach you what’s necessary and whatever else they can

kunikida takes care of math (obviously)

yosano takes care of science/biology/anatomy/health (whatever you wanna call it)

ranpo even dragged poe to help you with english

atsushi even got lucy to help you out with english too!

as tanizaki and naomi used to be students, they give you their old work books and they try to teach you all the other subjects

sometimes kyouka and kenji are there learing with you too!

sorry if there’s some errors! i’ll read through it again later :)

and as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

#bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #bsd anime #bsd manga #nakajima atsushi x reader #atsushi x reader #nakajima atsushi #atsushi nakajima #x reader #x female reader #plantonic headcanons #armed detective agency #ada #armed detective agency x reader #ada x reader #kunikida x reader #dazai x reader #ranpo x reader #yosano x reader #fukuzawa x reader #kyouka x reader #kenji x reader #tanizaki x reader #fluff #headcanons #anime #bsd headcanons #bungou stray dogs head canons #bsd scenarios #bunogu stray dogs scenarios

[starburstdragon]

please launch into disabled shin tsukimi propaganda, i genuinely am curious and want to hear your thoughts

OK SO it’s not like canon canon but it’s like canon. A lot of this is me and him in the pointing spidermen meme but I’m right. For the record I think he’s definitely physically disabled and possibly dealing with a mental/emotional disability/disorder as well

Starting off with his appearance, he is described as frail with poor posture. I’m frail with poor posture I have chronic pain on account of ligament fuckery or smth. I think this bastard has chronic pain, and perhaps ligament fuckery.

In terms of his statistics, he’s taller and lighter than me which I would not consider a good indicator on his health. I’m 5'2" and somewhere between 115 and 120 pounds on an average day and he’s 5'6" and like 108 pounds. Maybe I just have bigger bones or maybe the weight of everyone who is not Gin was not as closely considered but I don’t think he should be that light, from a health perspective. There’s a line between being a twink and being malnourished. I’m worried abt him ☹️

In YTTS he has the worst physical stat. It is more efficient to send Kanna into battle than this adult man. His fondness events also center around the fact that he is not at all in shape. Going to the convenience store is an ordeal for him. He can’t do one (1) push-up. What he can do is swim, which probably has something to do with the fact that the water mitigates most of what little weight he has. This man is living the three years in the future edition of my life before he gets kidnapped

Him and Kanna are absolutely Autism Vibing. They present very differently but the way that they connect so quickly and completely is absolutely Autism/ADHD Vibing. Name a more iconic duo. You can’t. Green Autism Energy is the ultimate power. Kanna helps Shin check his emotional disregulation (he wears Midori's scarf and monologues when inconvenienced) and Shin is able to parse out the pattern/rules of the main game before anyone else, which he ultimately uses to keep them both alive as long as possible. If the game didn’t force you to kill one of them at the end of Chapter 2 they would have already handled Midori bc they’re so powerful /hj

His shaky work history could also be related to disability. Chronic pain and troubles regulating your emotional state/focus can make holding down a job difficult.

Also his likes are soup and futon which makes me feel like he’s got some sensory issues, likely related to autism/adhd and/or chronic pain. This ones my autism chronic pain intuition. I feel like if I had to choose two things for a likes profile I would probably choose similar things.

Tl;Dr Shin is chronic pain autism king and I’m going to condone and abet everything he’s ever done

#ace can't speak #shin yttd #sou yttd #tsukimi shin #shin tsukimi #yttd #hiyori sou #sou hiyori #your turn to die #answered ask #disability #disabilities #yttd meta

[voidcat]

– “Friend” is a four letter word

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou / gn! reader

requested by anon, prompt 1

wc & genre: 2k - mostly fluff, a bit angst by the end

a/n: the title is literally a 1 trait danger song title, pls dont come @ me, i just thought it was nice to use bc “love” is a four letter word so yea,, also pls dont ship ppl irl or ask them too many Qs abt their relationshio even if they look so good together n should date bc it is rlly rlly annoying (speaking from experience)

The first you meet Kuroo Tetsurou, you don’t even notice.

It’s not surprising, he’s quiet and doesn’t gather attention. You don’t go looking around and keeping an eye on everyone either. The most is you’re just two fish in the vast sea, unaware of one another, too tangled with your own lives.

Then comes a moment, nothing special, almost out-of-a-movie type. It begins with a joke, if it can be considered that. It’s bad, awfully bad, a horrible pun in the middle of chemistry and from the volume of the voice you can tell they hoped no one would hear. But you do, so does few who sit next to him and your giggles dance around in the air. You don’t notice it’s him at that time but you grow to recognize his jokes in the following time.

Kuroo Tetsurou feels like a mystery when your eyes lie on him one afternoon. He’s not bad looking, a part of a sports team, a key member even. And yet compared to all the other jocks he doesn’t bask in the attention, in fact, he doesn’t receive any. Others like to brag and talk smug, as if they’ve discovered life in an inhabitable area and then there’s him. You can’t even tell he plays in the team if it’s not for the uniform and tracksuit he’s in after classes.

You think to yourself, if only jocks were like him. Still, you take no step and neither does he.

Maybe neither of you need to because the universe is more than happy to provide the nudge you both seem to need.

Funny enough it’s a science project that starts it.

He’s too quiet to your liking, speaking only when absolutely necessary. As you desperately try to kill the silence that hangs in the air, he avoids it as hard, making so little sound.

An idea comes as fast the lights are on and you speak before you even get to think ‘what’s there to lose?’

“No science puns for me? What happened, cat got your tongue?”

To say he is baffled, is the understatement of the year. You’re not sure if he’s surprised you’ve heard him joke or want to hear more of them; but either way, he looks cute, with his guard down, at a loss of reaction, mouth slightly open and – is that a hint of blush on his cheeks?

It only goes upwards from then on.

Awkward conversations is how it begins, seeking each other out in close environments is where you’re leaded.

You find yourself enjoying the way he talks, listening to what he has to say, the way his face brightens up when he starts talking out of pure interest. You only hope he feels the same way about you, and from the way he often discreetly directs you to take the lead and pick the topic, he does.

In a short span of time, you two are attached from the hip. Inseparable, always doing something, going somewhere, discussing a thing or just laughing. Shy smiles replaced with a Cheshire-like grin, almost ironic considering your school’s name, that’s only a new expression on him that you like to see.

It feels freeing, natural; as the sea sighs, the rain drops hit the surface and the sun shines. Two peas in a pod, thick as thieves, inseparable…

This goes beyond high school and throughout university too, which you’re grateful for. Because times come when you wonder where would you be without him, what would you do without his support; so you thank the stars once again, for having him in your life even today.

Then comes the times you wish you didn’t spend as much time together because the people around are being insufferable. All you want is to hang out with your best friend but half that time is stolen away by the never changing questions. Those who keep asking if you’re together, as an item. As if it doesn’t rub the salt in the already existing wound, it sure makes things unbearable. Getting approached by people you never saw before is no fun, neither is dealing with those who have the audacity to think you owe an explanation about your love life.

“But why? The two of you spend all the time together! Sure you must be in love!”

As if platonic relationships do not exist, surely do you have to love someone in that way to care for them? Loving Tetsu is a case that matters to only you, you’re happy knowing he cares for you, maybe not in the way as you but at the end of the day, the bond is there in plain sight, on your sleeve.

“But you guys would look so good together! Have you given dating a try? I’m sure it’d work out! I understand if you want to keep things a secret but come on, you must have had something going on-“

Stop, stop, stop…

It gets exhausting after a while, showing its signs on you, the irritation high and your nerves are at the edge, he notices it not long after.

After a little persuasion, you spill it all out, ranting about the pent up anger you had bottled all week –month maybe. You don’t notice the way his shoulders slump as you talk and go on about the stupidity of the people. It misses your attention how he talks less than usual that day, even after the mini ranting session. You do, however, notice how he starts to act strange around you. More preserved, and not as chatty as much. Holding his touch and avoiding contact, not going out of his way to approach you any longer. This drives you crazy, hurts a part of you and you worry –what if he has grown bored of me? Did I do something to hurt his feelings? Does he like someone and avoids me to get in their eye? What has happened, what did I do wrong? And goes and goes and goes the worries and the dynamics shift in your friendship.

So with the change of dynamics, you try desperately to hold onto what you once shared. Soon enough it’s you who invites the other to outings.

When your coffee offers are denied, you bring up walks, after that study dates, as he tries to ignore one attempt of alone time, you come up with another and one evening you find yourself asking to go to a party.

Campus parties with him, are interesting, to say the least. It stings when you’re separated, a punch to the stomach when he’s awfully close to those who were flirting with him, a new kind of torture when he keeps his talks with you short at the scene but at the end of the day you always leave, together, and you settle with this too, as you settled with all his love you could get years ago.

Some nights with booze apparent in the air, you don’t bug him with questions but each party gets worse somehow, only makes the distance between the two harder.

One night you snap and let it all out, unlike that afternoon it wasn’t an asked question but an aftereffect of him pushing your nerves and once you begin, you don’t stop, letting the storm out and he just looks at you.

You stop and his gaze stays, face devoid of any emotion and you worry, all the words you’ve said dawning on you and with one last attempt you whisper “Aren’t we friends?”

Voice calm and stern, colder than that icy cocktail you had: We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.

Holding back the tears by the corner of your eyes, you blink once and turn your back, steps set on your way. You can’t recall the last time you’ve walked home alone, without him.

Some time passes, days begin to blur and you try not to dwell on things too much or think about him that much. But the brain is a traitor as much as your heart and you find yourself thinking about him too much to your liking. Not sure whether you want him to find you, you keep an eye out; maybe plan to get out of the eye sight when you spot that messy hair but there’s not much need as he’s never around.

At the same time you’re unaware that this is his way of giving you a break, providing the alone time you needed away from him; as Tetsu tries his best to gather his thoughts and shape the sentences to show how he truly feels, what he actually thinks, he keeps an eye out for you. Even the smallest of smiles on you making his racing heart worse but what lands the final blow is how rarely you smile these days. Knowing he is the reason behind, knowing he causes the weight on your shoulders and the ache in his heart, he wishes more than anything to change this as soon as he can but he is at a loss of words and actions and he hates himself for that.

When the two of you are brought together once again, as fate pushes you from behind like it did years ago, you’re not sure who looks up first. But it is Tetsu who speaks first, not giving you a chance to say anything back, call him names or yell him insults. And as he talks, eyes focused on you, locked into yours, his gaze warmer than ever, his voice nothing like that disastrous night.

“I know I fucked up and ruined the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. I have nothing to blame but myself, I know, but please. Even though it’s selfish of me to ask this… Would you give me a second chance?”

Letting go of the breath you were holding, you prepare to answer him. He doesn’t let you.

“One last chance… To start over? Because that one sentence, as cold as it sounded, had a truth to it. And I- I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t go on and pretend like I don’t have- like I don’t have all these feelings in me. I can’t nod along to your rants about how much you hate the people perceiving the two of us as more than friends. ‘Cause you got to admit. They have a point. Maybe at the beginning, yes... But we’ve not been friends, not for a long while. And you know it too whether you want to say it or not.”

As if spoken without breathing once, considering this is Tetsu that was definitely the case ,he gulps and takes a step forward.

“Will you give me a last chance and let me show you how much I can love you? Free of this ‘just friends’ title. Would you let me take you on dates and make you laugh wide and loud? Not just as your friend but as your boyfriend? As your partner in crime and in life, as Persephone is the pastel queen of hell in the realm of Hades, the sun to my Icarus, the Sodium to my Chlorine?..”

His speech was getting to you until the last sentence, your softened body goes stone cold, hands hanging in the air, Tetsu’s last pleads of “would you let me?”s falling deaf to your ears.

The gears turn quick and he realizes exactly which one of his words could leave an effect like this, be so ridiculous and bring you to a halt.

One of those smug smiles you saw on his face often, he says “What happened, cat got your tongue?”

And your mouse hanging open, all you can do is smack him on the arm, as hard as you can, for that awful salt simile and for using your words on you.

Before you know it, both of you are laughing and the air feels warm once again.

tags: @celosiiaa​ @boosyboo9206

#dei celebrates 200 #finlly posted this dafsd #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #requested #Reader insert #gender neutral reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsuro x you #kuroo x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo tetsuro imagine #kuroo tetsuro oneshot #kuroo tetsurou oneshot #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu!! x you #hq!! kuroo #hq x reader #hq x you #fluff #angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu angst #tetsurou kuroo x reader #tetsurou kuroo x you

[sunsetsover]

Just hopping on the anons last week who said they'd done reading around BPD and Ben etc after reading your posts to say... when Whitney told Ben he makes everything about himself in this week's eps I immediately thought of you! Like lemme explain lmao I remember last year you wrote about how lots of fans said Ben was making everything about him when him and Callum had that argument about the warehouse job in Sept.? And you wrote about how you viewed it and how looking at Ben through a lense of mh goes a different interpretation etc. Idk Whitney saying that just made me recall your thoughts on the fandom saying the same thing lmao.

(although tbh I didn't think Whitney was v fair saying that anyway bc how was he meant to know Callum had witnessed a stabbing etc?? He wasn't making it about himself he was simply worrying about the info he had access to???)

no joke i literally thought the exact same thing after i watched it yesterday. not the post (tho i do remember what you're talking about!) but i was like 'oh ben's behaviour is VERY bpd' like probably the most obvious example we've had since 2019 maybe and then i was like man.... how many people are going to have Bad Takes abt ben's behaviour and how he's 'selfish' and then i was thinking abt what whit said and it reminded me of something i heard once and i've tried to find it but i can't and i'm gutted bc it made so much sense but it was abt how bpd are often viewed as selfish or making everything abt us but we do that bc we literally feel like everything IS because of us/our fault. it's literally a Symptom. like when you're hypersensitive and terrified of everyone abandoning you EVERYTHING feels personal.

like someone's in a bad mood? clearly i have done something to put them in a bad mood. someone doesn't reply? clearly they hate me. you smile at someone in public and they don't smile back? clearly they can sense something is Wrong with me and didn't want to engage. either that or they think i'm hideously ugly. that's the default assumption, that it's somehow something to do with me. not that they're going thru their own shit or that they're busy or tired. and then when we're talking abt someone you're close too, the fear of abandonment comes into play where you either start to push them away bc you're convinced they're gonna leave anyway or frantically do things or change things to help convince them to stay, and both of these can go very extreme. and ofc it's not logical but we can't help it. i'm always saying this to people in my life: i know how i'm feeling/what i'm doing isn't logical and it doesn't make sense, but i literally can't help it. it's like the sensible you is locked in the back of your brain forced to witness all of your own bs but they're literally powerless to do anything about it.

which is also why i can understand under the hysteria of your own fear of abandonment and hypersensitivity why ben could convince himself callum was gonna leave him for whitney. like ofc i get why ppl would find that unrealistic and offensive, but i can't NOT see him as bpd, and when you have bpd that fear of abandonment is so so incredibly pervasive that you start thinking things like that and convince yourself that they're real. like you genuinely believe them. and someone of sound mind is like 'that doesn't make any sense, he's gay' but like.... that almost is irrelevant to a certain degree. your own belief that you're so unlovable and that everyone is going to leave you holds SO much weight in your mind, more than even reality itself.

like you could almost compare it to hallucination. reality and logic dictates that it's impossible for there to be a man crawling on the ceiling, but if you can see it and hear it and feel it then ofc you're going to believe it's real. reality and logic become irrelevant bc you KNOW it's there, even though it isn't, u know? it's the same kind of thing: reality says ofc callum isn't gonna propose to whitney when he's married and literally gay, but that all-consuming fear of abandonment is so much louder when it says 'he's lying, he's sneaking around w his ex, he's not talking to you about anything, he's got a ring, ofc he's gonna propose to her, she didn't ask him to quit his job or force him into a position where he had to lie for months, ofc he was gonna leave, he just married you out of pity, this is all your fault, you don't deserve happiness or love bc you're a bad person lmao what did you even expect?' etc u know

if i'm being completely honest if i were in ben's shoes i could EASILY see myself being convinced my gay partner is gonna leave me for their ex of the opposite sex. like worryingly easily. and tbh between that and what was going on with kheerat, i actually think he coped surprisingly well. like i genuinely thought that yesterday that if i was in his situation i probably would have reacted much worse and been in much worse a state than he was. and i'm not just saying that, i think his growth since 2019 is obvious in how tame his reaction to it all was tbh.

i realize probably no one will bother but if anyone really is interested and wants to understand more then u should watch this video. i've timestamped it at the first point bc if nothing else u should listen to that bc it helps explain what i've said in a much better way esp the example abt clearing out the garage but the whole video is really good and i would love for some ppl to watch it. like i know it's half hour and that's a long time and also the interviewer is obnoxious and p insensitive but the doctor herself is really good and explains everything i've been trying to explain in a MUCH better way than i ever could and i think it will really help you understand what it's like to be someone bpd and what it actually means for day to day life

like i realize i've completely gone off on one w this and im sorry but i have opinions and i just want people to understand you know?? not necessarily for ben as a character but for all the ppl out there w bpd bc !!!! no one gives a fuck abt us they just misunderstand us and then do literally nothing to try and understand us when we try to explain ourselves so to have ppl actually engaging in this dialogue w me makes me very excited and i try to explain as much as i can while i have the opportunity u know lmao so i very much appreciate you and getting messages like this thank you 💞💞💞

#anon #question #like !!!!! i just have a lot to say !!!!!! im sorry !!!!

[willowistic22]

Soon You’ll Get Better (Redfinch)

It was four months ago when his world burned into flaming embers. But after some time, he’s starting to heal from all the pain. And so, his mind starts screaming the same question in a million different ways which all hurt him like knife cuts from different angles : How could he? 

Words : 3682

Part : - 

Warnings : Death, grief, hospitals 

A/N : Abt damn time I post a fanfic huh?? hehe i set a 2 fanfic a month goal for myself to keep the momentum going, so that would kinda explain it. Anyways here a fanfic. Inspired by a post I made a while ago the post is long gone idk where tf it is anymore now and there are elements of Taylor Swift’s ‘Soon You’ll Get Better’ but it’s not a songfic bcs in the fic the song is used as a song Albert wrote. Just read the fic and you’ll get it! Enjoy!!!

@fifty-for-the-racer since you were really passionate abt this idea, this one’s for you <3 

Walking through the hallway of his college dorm, backpack on his shoulder while clutching a few books he brought to class close to his chest. It’s full of other college students minding their own business. But they’re loud and fast, while Albert is slow and quiet. His mind is the one going at a fast pace. 

The weight and hollow feeling he has grown used to since four months ago doesn’t feel the same way as before. It doesn’t hurt as much. And somehow it felt wrong that he is moving on. He couldn’t move on. How could he?

His brain gets louder and louder with all these new thoughts that he’s been developing lately. As if the loud noises of fast paced college students isn’t enough to make him suffer. Albert lets out a deep sigh as the sight of his own dorm slowly comes to view. He can get some peace of mind for the time being since his roommate still has a class at this hour.

Albert slowly opens the wooden door but stops in the middle of his tracks upon his new discovery.

“I didn’t— I wasn’t— Race let me in before he left for class!” A boy, that obviously doesn’t belong here, sits on Albert’s bed with a few of his messy clothes on his lap. The boy stands up to approach him while frantically moving the clothes away from him, “I didn’t mean to snoop around your stuff, I swear! Your clothes were just- they were a mess and I thought I could fold it—“

“Woah, calm down there, Finch” Albert cut him off, closing the door behind him before he takes a few steps closer to the worried looking blond boy, “You know I trust you with my stuff”

He lets out a deep breath upon hearing those words, “I know, but… I never asked for permission”

Finch’s eyes meet Albert’s, blue and hazel orbs locked in a soft gaze. He sighs out, “I’m sorry”

Albert simply chuckles through his small smile, dropping his bag onto his desk along with the black snapback he’s been wearing all day which reveals his bright red hair in a messy floof, “No need to be sorry. Besides, I really need to start cleaning up”

Finch chuckles at that, dropping his guarded shoulders down. Wordlessly, Albert starts picking up his clothes. Separating them to two big piles on the bed, one dirty pile and another clean one for him to fold and put back to his closet. Finch hesitated on approaching to help. But after the redhead flashes him a warm smile over his shoulder, Finch gladly skips next to him to help.

For the most part, they don’t talk. Finch isn’t sure if he should, not that he’d know what to talk about anyways. But he doesn’t mind it. They could still hear other college students through the walls as it isn’t that thick. And the birds chirping outside makes its way through the single window next to Al’s bed, along with the rays of light coming from the afternoon sun.

“I’d hear an earful from mom if she ever finds out that my dorm is messy” Albert finally broke the silence upon feeling the little tension from the other boy next to him.

Finch steals a small glance to his side, a little surprise with the topic he chose to speak up about. But he doesn’t complain. If this is how Albert mourns, then he’s willing to help.

“Yeah?” Finch asked softly, stacking a clean pair of pants he just folded to a clean pile of other pants.

“Yeah” Albert replied, eyes still glued to his task of separating his clothes. He can feel a little smile makes its way on his face, “She’d tell me to put them back in my closet as soon as it's clean so I won’t forget”

By now, all the out of placed clothes are picked up since Finch had already started beforehand. The wooden floor and the rest of the furniture in his dorm are free from Albert’s clothes. He reaches for the drawer under his bed to grab the laundry bag.

“But… I always end up either forgetting or procrastinating” Albert smiled to himself with a chuckle as he rose up to put the dirty clothes in the laundry bag.

Finch laughs along with him, glad to see him smile while he talks about his mother. It’s been some time since he last saw it. He’s glad there’s progress being made.

It didn’t take long to put the dirty clothes in the laundry bag. He carelessly tosses the bag to a forgotten corner of his dorm, turning to face the neatly folded clothes on his bed so he can organize it in his closet. His focus however, caught on to a strange sound that came from the corner where he threw the laundry bag. A loud thud between a hard solid object with a mixture of unorganized notes originating from strings.

The two boys flip their heads towards said corner, on the remaining space between the wall and the edge of Albert’s bed. There, lay a dusty guitar leaning against the corner created by the wall. The light brown of the wood reflects the minimal rays of sunshine that reached that forgotten corner, making it more majestic than it actually is.

“You didn’t tell me you brought your guitar here!” Finch exclaimed upon taking note of the guitar’s presence. An exciting energy buzzing through his veins all of a sudden. Everyone could instantly tell from the way his blue eyes lit up and his lips splitting into a smile.

“Didn’t thought it’d matter” Albert replied with a little chuckle. He watches as Finch gets his hands on the instrument, all while putting his clothes back in his closet.

The moment Finch gets his hands on the guitar, he puts it on his lap and sits down on the now spacious mattress. The spring bounces up and down with the weight of the blond boy and his new discovery. He starts to lightly pluck the strings, creating a lovely tune while waiting for Albert to finish up cleaning.

As the last item is placed back to its rightful place in Al’s closet, he closes the doors and turns to Finch. He’s still busy getting entertained by the guitar to notice the warm smile creeping its way to Al’s face.

Though, he doesn’t linger in the gaze. Seeing that he’s been wearing the same outfit for the whole day, he decides to slip into some warm sweatpants and a clean t-shirt.

“When did you brought it here?” Finch asked, eyes gleaming at the sight of a freshly dressed Albert walking towards him on the bed. His finger still mindlessly strumming the guitar, the same soft melody still echoes around the dorm.

“After like, what, two and a half months maybe? Dad decided to do some cleaning” Albert explained, ruffling his bright red locks with a hand, “I found this guitar after forgetting about it for a while and decided to keep it. It kept me busy for the most part”

The pair moves to lay down on the bed together. It’s technically too small to fit two people but neither boys mind cuddling towards each other.

Albert takes charge of the guitar while Finch gets comfortable lying next to him. Arms slightly wrapping his shoulders with his head tucked warmly in the crook of Al’s neck. Finch’s small blond curls slightly brush against the coarse skin of the other boy, almost as softly as Albert’s own fingers strumming his guitar.

“Turns out mom had always kept it” Albert suddenly spoke up, soft yet still deep. Finch looks up as best as he can to meet his eyes, though the boy doesn’t seem to be making any efforts on trying to do the same. His eyes turned blue, looking down at the strings he’s strumming, “At first I thought she threw it away since I wouldn’t be needing it for college. But I found it in her closet one time when I had to pick something up for her”

Albert plucks one last string of his guitar before stopping the tune, he let’s the last note resonate around the room. A long drawn out sigh leaves his nose, the aura of this dorm drooping along with his sadness.

Finch looks up to study his face. Hazel eyes clouded with a secret rainstorm behind it. Lips still smiling, but it was cracked by the thunderous thoughts that are now occupying his head.

“Hey, you okay?” Finch dared to whisper. It might be a bad idea, but it’s the only thing he could do right now.

Albert doesn’t answer. He seems to still be lost in whatever is running around in his head.

To which, Finch continues, “It’s okay to be sad, Al. I know you miss her”

“Yeah. I miss her a lot” Albert finally replied. He shifts his head down towards where Finch is already looking up at him, “But I don’t know. Lately it… it doesn’t hurt as much as it first did”

The other boy could only tilt his head to the side with a question mark drawing the lines of his face. Albert just smiles down at the face and chuckles at the cuteness before continuing, “I still miss her but… It’s getting easier to move on. And I know it’s supposed to be a good thing but… I feel kinda guilty ‘bout it”

Finch softens his face at the explanation, offering a comforting smile. He cuddles closer to Albert, which was received with open arms. Al slightly pushes away his guitar to let Finch cozy up next to him a little further. Once they find a comfortable position, they take in the smell of each other and then let it out with one huge sigh.

“It does make you feel guilty if you start feeling like moving on from someone’s death” Finch acknowledged Albert's previous words, gentle and slow, “But nothing in this world would ever make you forget about your mother. I can promise you that”

The redhead snorts out a little laughter, “You sound like my therapist”

Finch, not knowing how to respond to that, laughs along with him. Which only makes Albert tighten his hug around the boy.

“You’ll get through this. I know you will” Finch said, after pondering about his next words for a minute. It was only replied by a squeeze to one of Finch’s hands but he knew it was a way to appreciate his words without verbally saying it.

“Y’know…” Albert suddenly began after a few moments of silence, gently pushing Finch away from the hug so he could sit up on the bed properly. He sits slightly on the end of the bed, opposing Finch so they’re now face to face without needing to turn their heads. He props his guitar on his lap again and looks down to the other boy, “... I uhh… I wrote a song while she was in the hospital. Hoping she’d get better”

Sensing a little private performance coming up, Finch excitedly sits up along with him. Legs tucked in close to his chest, letting his hands rest on his knees. A hopeful smile rests on his face, shining as bright as day.

It makes Albert giggle a little while his fingers start to softly strum the guitar again. It’s a different tune from before, but this one doesn’t sound like something he made up in the moment. It has a pattern to it, soft and comforting.

“I wrote it in the summer after our high school graduation. It’s called… ‘Soon You’ll get better’” Albert explained, looking down to the vibrating strings, “Mom really liked it when she first heard it. She always asked me to sing it any time I visit her in the hospital” 

“And… you’re gonna sing it to me now?” Finch asked hopefully, getting impatient from the absence of his boyfriend’s vocals.

Albert chuckles at it, but nods along to answer his question. To which, Finch settles in his seat and waits for Albert to start singing.

“The buttons of my coat were, tangled in my hair

In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared”

He keeps his eyes glued down to the strings. Finch isn’t sure if he’s doing this on purpose, but he won’t question it. It’s a song that stuck pretty close to Albert’s heart it seems, and for a good reason too.

“That was the first time we were there

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too”

His voice is nasally but still strong and sweet as honey. Finch was captivated by the deep baritenor vocals, slipping out of reality with every gentle note echoing around the dorm. Unknowingly, a smile spread across his face as the song progressed.

“And I say to you

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon”

Briefly, Albert drags his eyes up to Finch. A sad kind of happiness paints his face and Finch could only reply with the same look on his face.

“'Cause you have to”

Every word he wrote in the song made him sound so vulnerable, something not many people get to witness. Every sad lyric he wrote sounds like a rain parade sent from hell. The same feeling he felt when his father called him to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to say one goodbye to his mother.

Finch remembers that day too. The couple were with some of their other friends on a night out. When the phone rang, Albert had a bad feeling because the last time he went to the hospital his mother looked worse than before. Nonetheless, he still picked it up and it sucked the joy right out of him. Albert had to ask Finch to come with him. No one wanted to know what he would’ve done if the poor boy walked there on his own.

Mr. DaSilva, his two older brothers along with their wives and Albert’s only niece from his oldest brother had said their misty goodbyes. It left their eyes so watery, they couldn’t recognize Albert running in the room. A woman laid helplessly on the hospital bed, skin too pale for her own good and the same red locks she and her three sons share fully shaved off her head. Their other relatives aren’t here which Albert had assumed was because they’re still on their way. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was saying goodbye to his beloved mother.

She still had the energy to smile at Albert and Finch when they first stepped in the room. Albert had knelt down next to her, taking his mother’s hand and soaking up any warmth left in the palms which was next to zero. They had exchanged words in whispers, and by the time Albert got up to hug her the water starts staining her clothes.

“And I hate to make this all about me

But who am I supposed to talk to?

What am I supposed to do

If there's no you?”

The song was meant to be a get-well-soon prayer for his mother. Albert had his doubts that this time she’d make it out alive since it’s the third time her cancer came back. And for a while, he believed that she would. She had always been a fighter and she did fight like hell at the start of it, saying that she wanted to see Albert graduate college.

Of course, the universe had its own plans. She was too weak to fight any harder and thought that it was enough. As much as Albert hated it, he still had to let her go when the heart monitor stopped beating. The long ringing noise was so deafening, it pierced like dagger right through his eardrums.

As the doctors and nurses took over to do their jobs, the family mourned her death. The pain from every teardrop felt like a stab to the heart. It kept on feeling like that for some time after her funeral as they mourn in their own different ways.

“This won't go back to normal, if it ever was

It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because

'Cause I have to”

Albert was lucky he had all his friends to be there by his side as support. Giving him the necessary space any time he needs it, a shoulder to cry on when he needs it, giving him their therapists’ contact number when he asked, or welcoming him back to the group when he feels like going out with them. Overall, they’re the most amazing friends Albert could’ve asked for.

At first it was hard to keep up with how fast the world is spinning. But Albert soon relearned the pace and slowly healed from the pain. And that’s his new problem. The term ‘healing’ in this kind of situation felt so wrong, to use and to do. Albert feels guilty for trying to feel normal after his mother’s death, because it’s obvious nothing is normal. 

Take the rest of his family for example : they used to have family dinners every month in the DaSilva household. Albert, his brothers, sister in-laws, his only niece, and both parents. Four months after the funeral they haven’t had their monthly family dinners. Maybe it was for the best. His father didn’t even seem okay when he was cleaning out his wife's stuff.

“Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon

'Cause you have to”

Strumming the last few notes of the song, Albert could feel the water forming in his eyes again. He ignores it till he strums the last chord. Bringing his gaze back up to meet Finch’s, he can tell the other boy noticing the little drops of water threatening to trickle down his cheeks.

They stayed silent for a few seconds, Albert waiting for the little wave of sadness to properly sit while he puts down his guitar on the floor and Finch waiting for a cue to do something.

“She always liked it when I sing it to her” Albert exclaimed, trying to play it cool while he wipes his tears away, “I don’t think you’ve heard it before”

“No, I haven't,” Finch replied. He shifts closer to Albert to help him wipe his tears away with the sleeves of the hoodie he’s currently wearing. After it dried, Finch’s hands cupped his cheeks gently and he whispers, “But it was very lovely. I love it”

To that, Albert smiles. It made Finch smile along as well. But he knows better not to mistake that smile for happiness.

“Thanks for stopping by, Finch” Albert finally said, “I really needed it”

Finch smiles, letting out a little sigh, “Glad I could help”

He leans his head closer to Albert. Sensing a kiss coming up, Albert does the same and their lips meet halfway. Softly brushing against each other while their eyes closed to focus on the warm feeling. Albert gently holds one of Finch’s hands on his cheek with his own as the kiss deepened, still gentle and loving.

A jingling noise followed by loud chattering and laughter coming from the other side of the door got them to pull apart quickly. In storms, the door opens and a tall messy looking figure enters the room still packed with energy and excitement.

“Oh! Uhh… I didn’t know there was a date scheduled here!” Race exclaimed, freezing like a deer caught by headlights in the middle of the room when he noticed his roommate already had his own company.

The two boys looked past him and saw a bunch of their other friends standing in the doorway, waiting for a cue to enter the dorm. They wave at each other politely, all while Finch slowly backs away from his boyfriend. It made the group chuckle, and the couple a bit embarrassed. 

“Yeah, uhh…” Race awkwardly said, scratching the back of his head, “...We were about to have a game of poker here—but it’s cool! We can go somewhere else—“

“Nah, it’s okay, Racer!” Albert exclaimed, swinging his legs down the bed. He approaches the door where his friends are still waiting around, greeting them with a big smile, “You guys comin’ in or what?”

To which they all laughed, happily piling in the dorm. They simply put their stuff on an empty space in the floor before they make their way to where Race was already sitting on the floor.

“You playin’, Al?” One friend called out, Romeo.

“Yeah, deal me in” Albert replied, closing the door after waiting for all of his friends to pile in. He trails behind the last friend, Crutchie, towards the little circle his friends had made.

“Last time I was here the floor was covered with your clothes, Al” Crutchie observed the dorm while he slowly lowered himself to the floor in between Finch and Romeo, “Did you finally pick them up?”

Albert sits himself down next to Finch, exchanging a laugh with the other boy before answering, “Yeah, Finch came by to help”

“Took you long enough!” Race joked, still busy prepping the game for the others. Everyone laughed at it, all while Al reached his hands out to playfully smack his knee.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough” Jack stopped the two, growing impatient with the inevitable poker game, “Let’s get this game going!”

So now he’s playing a game with his friends like normal. Of course, the conversation he just had with Finch still lingered in his mind. Of how much he misses his mother and how guilty he feels for trying to move on. But the promises Finch made gave him a little glimmer of light. It’s not something he can technically promise, but it’s definitely something to hope for. With a glance shot towards his boyfriend next to him, which was replied with a soft gaze from Finch himself, he knows that everything will turn out alright eventually. 

#newsies #random writing #redfinch #redfinch newsies #albert dasilva #finch cortez #albert newsies #finch newsies #tw grief #tw death #tw hospitals

[ehstarwar]

flesh stays no farther reason (1/6)

Great, she thinks, another horny creep trying to entice young women to hop into bed with them for roughly 30 seconds.

She reads the post anyways.

-

Five times Ben looks for Rey and the one time she finds him.

-

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 5K

Read on AO3

Notes: 

my brain at 2a.m., assuring me that it'll be a one-shot: for the lady, perhaps a salad?

me, 5,000+ words in and only on their first meeting: [chuckling] perhaps not

-

1

what's to come is still unsure

She sees it on Reddit.

She doesn’t normally scroll through the website (certainly not subreddits like this) but she’s bored and can only take the same Buzzfeed quizzes so many times.

She’s not sure what led her to this page, how the rabbit hole of the internet made her search r/mseekingfcorusant but here she was, scrolling through the disjointed thoughts of horny guys in her area.

Posted by u/droidwrangerl88

need hot girl to bang. serious inquiries only.

Posted by u/mycumtastelikesarlacc

Any girls in the Coruscant area looking to hook up this evening? 38M seeking mid-20sF. Will split hotel bill.

Posted by u/hotbountyhunter3483

any females interested in shredded guy for an evening? willing to meet for drinks b4 hand, and will pay for ur drinks if ur hot. [phone] ;)

Rey finds it consistently astonishing how gross and vulgar men can be when hidden behind a screen. But she is scrolling on this page out of her own free will, so it does seem a little ‘pot-calling-the-kettle-black-ish.’ Just as her finger goes to press back to the home-screen, a tiny blue bubble appears at the top of the page, indicating that there has been a new post made. Great, she thinks, another horny creep trying to entice young women to hop into bed with them for roughly 30 seconds.

She reads the post anyways.

Posted by u/KyL0_R3N

31M seeking similarly aged F for the evening of 05/17. I have an important meeting on the 18th and sex the night before proves to a good luck charm for me. Nothing too crazy or obscene, fairly vanilla to start off with, but willing to go further based on her desires.

Something in Rey clenches.

It’s by far the most eloquently phrased way of asking for sex that she’s seen thus far. He seems straightforward, which is refreshing, but she knows that the best of psychopaths are good at hiding their true intention.

She clicks to his profile.

He seems interested in pretty common threads. Cooking tips, best laundromats in Coruscant, Galaxy Battles discourse; all innocuous and nothing to indicate he would chop up whoever responds to his post. Maybe that’s why she sends him a message.

From u/R3yoflight

why not just download tinder?

everyone on tinder is looking for sex too.

She bites her lip as she presses send. It’s not the best conversation starter, she’s aware, but their semi-introduction was from him posting about wanting to have sex to preform well in a meeting. Formalities can be forgone, in this particular situation. It’s not like she’s trying to impress him either; she didn’t message him to accept is offer, just merely because she’s curious.

There’s a pang of nervousness when she hears the notification sound out that he’s responded.

From u/KyL0_R3N

There’s too much preamble on dating apps.

Also, I’m looking to have sex, not to date.

It seemed more advantageous

to be straightforward.

From u/R3yoflight

hmmmm

i guess that makes sense

(also advantageous is worth 17 points in

scrabble, so kudos)

have you gotten many interested respondents?

From u/KyL0_R3N

You’re the first.

From u/R3yoflight

who says i’m interested???

From u/KyL0_R3N

Well, you are the one who messaged me?

Also, my post has been up for only a few minutes,

so you’re the first respondent in any capacity.

From u/R3yoflight

oooohhh i feel special ☺️✨

From u/KyL0_R3N

You’ve yet to tell me if you’re interested.

Is she?

Is she really considering letting Mr. KyL0_R3N fuck her after meeting him through a publicly placed internet post and knowing next to nothing about him?

From u/R3yoflight

maybe??

idk v much abt u yet

how do i know ur not a serial killer

or that u actually are who u say u are

which u haven’t yet

said who u are, that is

From u/KyL0_R3N

I’m  31M. I work in Coruscant at a tech company.

I’m 6’3, 190lbs. I’m not a killer in any capacity.

You haven’t told me anything about yourself,

which hardly seems fair.

From u/R3yoflight

24F, 5’6, i’m not telling u my weight

i work at an auto shop downtown so i can

kick ur ass if ur lying abt not being a killer

From u/KyL0_R3N  

In order to kick my ass, we’d have to meet.

So, are you interested or not?

From u/R3yoflight

i shouldn’t be

From u/KyL0_R3N

I have the distinct feeling that you are.

Am I right?

From u/R3yoflight

...

yeah

-

He tells her his name is Kylo Ren, which she thinks sounds stupid and made up, but doesn’t press him. They hammer out some more details, agreeing to meet at the bar of a swanky hotel downtown first, and if all goes well, he’ll have a room reserved for them.

When she tells him that she can’t afford to pay any of the room, he dismisses her flippantly with a quick ‘I’ll take care of it’ that makes her chest feel tight.

They don’t talk much after that, only a message from her a few days before hand, making sure the plan was still on, and an affirmative from his side. But a few hours before they’re supposed to meet up, Rey gets a notification from him. It distracts her from the task at hand (precision shaving of her legs and… other parts), causing a knick on the back of her calf.

From u/KyL0_R3N

While I don’t think that we’ll be doing

anything that would require

a safe word, I’d like to have one in case.

From u/R3yoflight

i’ve never had a safe word.

what’s a good one?

From u/KyL0_R3N

It doesn’t have to be anything special.

We can stick to a traditional scale.

Green means you’re good.

Yellow means slow down.

Red means to stop entirely.

Does that work?

From u/R3yoflight

yeah thats good

why don’t you think that we won’t be doing

anything to justify a safe word?

you planning to go easy on me 😈

From u/KyL0_R3N

That depends, sweetheart.

How far are you willing to go?

Rey thinks for a moment. She should have some hard lines set, especially since he’s a total stranger. In fact, she shouldn’t be fucking a stranger at all. But she was in this far, so she may as well go all in.

From u/R3yoflight

i’m not super into choking but a lil breath play

is okay

no extreme bondage or degradation

maybe at some point but just… not now

anything in my ass will require a lot of work

before hand bc not much has been in there.

any hard no’s 4 u?

i’m on birth control so u can come inside me

if you want

From u/KyL0_R3N

I think we should stick to no

bondage/degradation/breath play for now

I’m not super into those anyways.

I’ll keep that in mind about your ass.

Maybe nothing in my ass. For now.

That about covers my no’s.

What are some of you hard yes’s?

From u/R3yoflight

i like being taken control of, dominated, i guess

kissing is big for me but i get it if u don’t like it

also major daddy kink but that can be

controlled if its not ur thing

what do u like

From u/KyL0_R3N

Very much yes to that Daddy kink and kissing.

I lean towards dom anyway, so that should work out.

I like hickeys. Giving and receiving.

I also have pretty good stamina, just a warning.

From u/R3yoflight

i like a man with good stamina ;)

u gonna wear me out tonight? 😈

From u/KyL0_R3N

Yes. Yes I am.

-

She gets there late. Unlike every other time she runs late for something, this time is purposeful. If he gets angry with her, she’ll know to leave. And she’s counting on that. Him giving her a reason to leave. She needs it so she doesn’t do something stupider than what she’s already doing now.

But when she arrives and see’s the absolute mammoth of a man, with long-is black hair and moles and big ears, Rey just knows she’s in for it.

He stands when he sees her. Realistically she knew that 6’3 was tall, but it’s still a bit shocking to her. One of his gargantuan hands is holding a beer, the other resting on the back of the chair. She spends a second too long admiring his form, earning a knowing-but-slight smirk from him.

“You’re Kylo.” It’s an unnecessary statement, because who else could he be, but one that is said all the same.

“And you’re Rey.”

His fucking voice. It’s too beautiful to be addressing her, she’s sure of it.

“Work ran over, that’s why I’m late.” She wasn’t going to give him an excuse, but the words fall out of her mouth.

“I’m familiar with that myself. It’s no trouble, really.” He holds the chair out for her, and she gracefully takes a seat. A server comes around and takes her drink order of a club soda before scurrying off.

“Nothing to relax the nerves?” He question, taking a sip of his drink.

“I prefer to have a clear head for…” She trails off. What does this qualify as? A hook-up? A booty-call? A job interview?

“Good girl.”

Her breath stops for a moment before she remembers its necessary to survive.

“You said you work for a tech company downtown; is it close?” She asks, hoping she sounds passive.

“Not far. I need to be close for tomorrow.” He never looks away from her; it makes her sweat.

The server comes back with her drink, and Rey takes a giant gulp, just for something to preoccupy her mouth.

“You said you work for an auto shop downtown. What do you do there?” He asks, eying her hands curiously. Rey worries that he’ll realize she wasn’t actually at work if her hands aren’t greasy, so she hides them under the table.

“I’m a mechanic,” She tells him, sitting up straighter.

“You’re…” He begins, but she cuts him off.

“A woman mechanic, yes. It’s not entirely uncommon.”

“I was going to say young.” She bites her lip. His voice doesn’t sound like its chastising her, but she feels bad all the same.

“Most men are uncomfortable with the fact that I know more about cars than them.” Rey doesn’t know why she continues to challenge him, but his reactions always surprise her.

It’s… nice.

“Do I seem like I’m uncomfortable by that?”

She regards him. “No, but you did proposition anyone with computer access, so I think your threshold for uncomfortable must be very high.”

He doesn’t laugh, per se, but the corners of his mouth lift and his cheeks become tight. She smiles at the sight.

“Seems that we’re both very bold. A female mechanic and an online propositioner. We make for quite a pair.”

“Hopefully that means the sex will be good.”

Kylo Ren does smile at that.

His hand is on the small of her back when they get in the elevator and Rey is actively trying to ignore the fluttering in her gut, which is why the words blurt out of her.

“My roommate knows where we are!” It’s a loud noise in an otherwise quiet area, but Kylo doesn’t seem startled by it. He just looks down at her. “I have to be back at the apartment, in person, by noon tomorrow or she’s calling the cops.” Rey is quieter now but her voice still shakes.

“My meeting is at 10, so you’ll have plenty of time to get back to your place. I can have my driver drop you off there, if you like,” He says.

“Thats… not why I’m telling you. But that you. I mean, my roommate will know if something bad happens to me. So it would be wise of you to not kill me.” Rey gulps.

Kylo’s hand comes to her face and brushes a piece of hair behind her ear.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Rey.” His voice is soft. “I’m not going to kill you, or hit you, or do anything you don’t want me to do.” She’s facing him now. “If you feel uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be mad. You can leave whenever you want.”

“But what do you want? You’ve asked me what I’ve wanted in every interaction we’ve had, but all I know is that you want to fuck somebody so that you’re not nervous or whatever tomorrow. Do you even want me? Or was I just the first person who responded to you post? It goes both ways, ya know. You need to tell me what you want, too.”

His hand brushes the side of her jaw, his eyes trail down her face, no doubt seeing the nervous expression she wears.

“I want you, Rey.”

-

His lips are on hers the moment the door is shut. His hand cradles the back of her head as he shoves his body against hers, pinning her to the wall. His other hand grips her hip and will definitely leave a bruise. She loves it.

But his warm, wet mouth on hers with his plush, pink lips makes any coherent thought leave her head. She moans into his mouth, hands trying desperately to pop open the buttons of his shirt. She makes a sound of frustration when the last stubborn button won’t come undone, and his hands are there in an instant, ripping the thing straight off. She slides her hands along his toned chest as his tongue invades her mouth. When her hands venture further south, they find the more than impressive bulge straining against his slacks.

“I should’ve… asked you earlier…” He says into her mouth as he sucks off the remaining shirt and suit jacket, “if you… like… dirty talk.” Rey keens against him, forcing his mouth to go to her neck as she breathes out a chant of ‘yes, yes, yes.’

Kylo makes a noise of approval before hoisting her into his arms. Rey’s legs instinctively wrap around his hips as he walks them towards the bed.

“Good, because it would be a shame not to be able to tell you that I can’t wait to taste your cunt.”  

Rey has died.

She has died and gone to whatever afterlife will have her.

She never wants to leave it.

“You… don’t… you don’t have to…” She manages to say between kisses. Kylo pulls back from her then, eyes dark, hair a mess, lip red and bitten.

“I want to. Will you let me?” Rey nods so fast she’s worried her neck will be sore. His hands ruck up her cotton dress, until he decides that the offending material will need to be off all together. She’s left in her black bralette and underwear and Kylo stares down at her.

“My tit’s aren’t that big. I’m sorry if you were looking forward to-”

“They’re perfect,” He cuts her off by kissing down her chest, mouthing her nipples through the dark fabric. The heat of his mouth combined with the coolness of the room make her nipples stand at attention, pebbling at the fabric.

Kylo depends further, and puts his entire face against her still-clothed pussy, inhaling and licking her through the fabric. Rey is a whiny mess against the sheets, hair in every direction, full body blush. She hopes he thinks she’s hot because, god, she’s never sen anyone like him.

Kylo takes of her panties and immodestly begins lapping at her cunt, no warning or hesitation, making Rey give something of a moan and a yelp. Her hand goes to his hair, feeling the luscious locks between her fingers. His hands go to her ass, lifting her up slightly so he gets a better angle.

“You’re… too good… at this…” She manages between breaths. Rey would bet anything he’s smirking against her.

Kylo uses his nose to rub at her clit before alternating between kitten licks and sucking on it. It takes no time at all for Rey to come. So quickly, in fact, that she would be embarrassed if she could move. Her whole body is on fire as he licks her through it, occasionally using a hand to brush at her nipples. The tears streaming out of her eyes and drool gathering at the corner of her mouth must make her look ghastly, but Kylo doesn’t seem to mind.

When he finally sits back, still between her legs, she can make out the bulge from earlier, now even more prominent.

He’s looking down at her, at the mess he’s made of her, and against every instinct, she lets him.

“I don’t normally come that fast,” she tells him. Her voice is quiet even now, and she knows it’ll be strained tomorrow. Good, something to remember him by.

“It won’t take me that long to come, either,” he admits, having the kindness to look sheepish as he says it.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Kylo represses a smile.

He gets off the bed, shucking his pants, underwear, and socks off in one felt swoop, leaving him gorgeously bare before her. If she though the bulge was impressive, the real thing is even better. His cock is red and pointed upwards as he stands across from her. His hand goes to pump himself a few times, smearing the precome along his length. Rey can’t help but reach out, whole body going with her as she opens her mouth to bring Kylo towards her. His hand stops her, gently, and she looks up at him in confusion.

“I want to suck you off,” She tells him, brows still furrowed.

“Later,” he tells her.

Kylo pulls her back up the bed with him, so that he hovers over her as he kisses her again. She still taste herself on him, but can’t find the heart to care. Her hands go to wrap around him, feeling the thickness for herself. Huge is an understatement. But Rey’s always been ambitious.

She pumps him a little, feeling him nearly whimper in her mouth.

“You gonna let me fuck you, baby?” he murmurs.

“Yes… yes please…”

Rey feels his hand come over hers as Kylo slots himself between her legs and aligns his cock to her core. He slides in, slowly, stretching her the whole way. She pants against his skin, digs her nails into his shoulder.

“Tell me if it’s too much.” His voice sounds strained, like he’s holding back from her.

“It’s good, daddy… so good…” she pants.

He whines some curses against her skin as he finishes seating himself inside of her.

“… so good, sweetheart. Takin’ me so well… taking your daddy so well,” He mumbles, pressing kisses to any part of her skin. Rey can already feel the beginning of another orgasm itch inside of her, and for the first time in a while, she has no doubt that Kylo will get her there.

“Daddy… you can move… please,” She’s breathless as she asks him. He groans above her and rest his forehead against hers.

His hips being to move, still slow, but making her breath hitch ever shallow thrust.

“Tight… so tight for me…” He mumbles. Rey takes a minute to look at him, really look at him. He’s flushed, skin damp, but he’s still so very handsome. Moles dot his face and she can’t resist using a hand to trace them. His hair tickles her nose, so she pushes it back behind his ears, which are a bit too big for his head but she adores them.

Kylo lets Rey take him in, but gets her attention back to the moment with a quick snap of his hips.

“Can you come again?” He asks, and Rey nods. His mouth depends on her neck, sucking hickeys to every patch of skin it finds, as he pushes into her. She can feel the bump of his cock every time he bottoms out, a sensation she’s never felt before, and it makes her clench him every time. His hand skates down between them to get to her clit, and he quickly begins rubbing her there.

“Gonna let me fill you with my come? Gonna be a good girl and hold it all in? Can you do that for me baby? Huh?” His words send shivers down her spine, aiding in his pursuit to get her to come again. She mumbles incoherent words of approval, trying to tel him “yes, yes! I’ll be your good girl!” but speech fails her at the moment.

But Rey knows Kylo understands what she’s trying to say.

She feels his rhythm falter and his hand speeds against her clit. She tightens her legs around his hips, trying to wordlessly tell him she’s close too.

“Please, baby, please come for me…” His voice is desperate and strained and makes her shudder. Her hips find purchase against the base of his cock, in combination with the movement of his fingers, and she’s thrust into the abyss again.

Kylo holds her against him as she comes, whole body vibrating, and he follows after her. He grunts against a pillow as he comes, and Rey is distantly aware that he’s actually biting the poor thing. His come is hot within her, and she feels him pulse as he keeps slamming his hips to hers. The slapping of skin slows as she feels his body let go of the tension, and Rey is boneless beneath him.

He lays on her, still half-hard inside of her, as they come down from their mutual high. They are both breathing so heavily that speaking is out of the question, at least for a while. Kylo pulls out of her, and a mad rush of fluid starts to leak out of her. She clenches, remembering his words from earlier.

Part of her expects a coldness afterwards; after all, that’s what most sex has been for her. Once he’s come, he leaves. It’s the oldest story in the book. And for all Kylo’s talk of ‘stamina’, there’s still a part of her that expects it’s just a façade.

But he doest leave her, cold and debauched, to get redressed and make a hasty exit. Instead, he plants a kiss to the side of her jaw and rubs her torso sweetly before helping her sit up. She’s weak, and he knows it.

“We need to get you cleaned up,” He says when she slouch against him. She mumbles something unintelligible into his skin. Instead of getting rough with her, Kylo just soothes her. “Women are 38% more likely to get a UTI if they don’t pee after sex. That’s not a parting gift I’d like to give you,” he elaborates.

Rey sighs, but lets Kylo get her to the bathroom.

-

They sleep in spurts.

For a few hours after their first time, before Kylo wakes her with the incessant press of his hard cock into her abdomen. (He takes her even more slowly that time, sleepy and still blissed out. He comes before she does, but he uses his fingers to get her there, still.)

A few hours after that, Rey makes good on her promise to get her mouth on him, waking him with her mouth already working him. (His come tastes bitter and tangy, but she swallows it because it’s his.) She sits on his face afterwards, letting his tongue get her off again.

The next time she wakes, Kylo is kissing her chest, licking at her now oversensitive nipples. There’s a faint light peaking through the windows and Rey knows their time is coming to an end. She runs a hand through his hair to indicate she’s awake now, but he keeps on in his pursuit. Only when her chest spit-covered and shiny does Kylo seem satisfied with his work, and lifts his head to look at Rey.

“Good Morning,” She mumbles, voice strained as expected, and still groggy from sleep. He hums his response, and presses a sweet, lingering kiss to her lips.

Rey glances at the clock, noting its just past 7, when they both sit up in bed. Kylo goes to say something, but is cut off by the grumbling of Rey’s stomach. Her cheeks heat as his voice falls silent.

“Sorry… I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning,” she admits. Kylo’s brow furrows for a moment, but the dark expression passes fleetingly.

“Let’s rectify that first, shall we?”

-

The breakfast menu for room service is extensive, and Kylo orders one of everyone instead of actually looking it over. Rey can only half-heartedly try to tell him it was too much, when her eyes catch a glimpse of the fluffiest looking waffles she’s ever seen. Kylo had only kissed her head and ordered before walking into the shower.

It arrives in record time, a result, she’s sure, of the high-class hotel he got for them. The room, which she’d been too preoccupied to notice last night, is opulent. A bit gaudy for her taste (were gold curtains really necessary), but Rey was in no position to complain. She hesitated to put on actual clothes, instead opting for the plush robe that hung in the wardrobe.

Rey is half into the whole meal when Kylo emerges from the bathroom, towel hung low on his hips and hair still damp. Rey bites her lip so hard she draws blood. He sits across from her, picking up the two plates she hand’t touched.

“Greek Youghert and fruit? Don’t you want a waffle? I saved some whipped cream for you.” She extends the aforementioned whipped cream, earring her a slight smile from Kylo.

“You’re very kind, but no thank you. This is what I eat every morning,” he tells her. Rey scrunches her face. Kylo pours himself some black coffee too, and Rey finds the will to keep her mouth shut.

They eat in companionable silence, Rey scarfing down whatever her hands touch, and Kylo methodically eating his healthy-dude breakfast. Rey notes that neither of them are on their phones; it’s perhaps the first meal she’s had with someone in a while where that’s the case. Like everything else that’s made her heart flutter with him, she tries to ignore it.

Once the table is thoroughly pillaged, Kylo gets up to get dressed and says nothing when Rey hops on the bed and continues to watch him. He’s not embarrassed by nudity, clearly, and tosses the towel away for a solid 5 minutes before putting on underwear.

He’s fully dressed shortly and applies some product to his hair that has writing in french, yet Rey is still wearing only the robe and probably still has his come on her thighs. And other areas.

Part of her thinks he’ll just carry on with his routine as if she’s not there. He’ll pack his suit from the night before and leave the room without an second glance her way. Much to her relief, she’s wrong.

When he’s finally ready, Kylo turns toward her, leans down, and plants a soft kiss directly on her lips. It’s an infinitely more affectionate gesture than she had expected going into this, but a welcome one all the same. He stares fondly down at her when their lips part.

“The room is yours to use until 4 P.M., but I remember you have a noon curfew,” He tells her. Suddenly, Rey regrets telling Rose to call the national guard if she’s not physically in her presence before the clock strikes 12.

“I guess I’ll make do,” She teases.

They fall silent again, and for the second time that morning Kylo goes to say something, but falls short. The silence becomes too much for Rey to bear, so her cursed mouth opens of it on volition.

“I’m not sure how these are supposed to work… one night stands, I mean,” She admits. Something in Kylo’s face falls, but Rey can’t quite tell what.

“I don’t have much experience with these either,” he tells her. Rey shuffles onto her knees, so that they’re both eye-level, and extends her hand. Kylo looks at it with a hint of confusion mixed with amusement.

“Well, you’ve been a wonderful reddit-fuck. Thank you for posting,” she says, giving a mega-watt smile. He sakes her hand.

“And you’ve been a wonderful reddit-fuck-respondent. Thank you for critiquing my going about soliciting sex.” Rey opens her mouth in an exaggerated offense, but Kylo cuts her off with another sweet kiss.  

She melts into it, holding his hair with her hands, letting herself mold to his torso as his tongue swipes her lower lip. The kiss is wonderful and hot and sweet all at the same time and makes her head spin.

When it’s over and she’s caught her breath again, a pang of nervousness infiltrates her consciousness. It’s over, it whispers, you’ll never see him again if you don’t do anything. He’ll leave, just like everyone else, if you let him.

“Do you have any more meetings?” She practically shouts at him. Kylo looks confused for a moment, so she goes on. “I just mean… if you needed someone to help… prepare you for your meetings, there’s a chance I’d be available.” Her voice grows softer as she keeps talking, suddenly feeling like an idiot for suggesting that at all. Before she has a  chance to spiral, Kylo brings her back.

“I do… I mean, I will. That would be… very gracious of you, to offer you help.” She bites her lip to keep from smiling too hard.

“Okay, good.” She nods at him, relief washing over her as she realizes she might not be the only one who doesn’t want to let this go.

It’s a new feeling that probably shouldn’t be attached to a person whom was very clear about their desire for a no-strings hook up, but Rey has always had a preference for things that are challenging.

Kylo Ren seems as good a challenge as any.

-

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[kimnjss]

for part 22 !! this is long im srry ahfduhdfu

“Now laying in his lap felt like a crime. As if you were stood in self-checkout, constantly glancing over your shoulder as you scanned an expensive pair of shoes as one of those 79 cent candy bars.”

said it a couple of times, i’ll say it again. the way you write is SOOOO SOOOO good. we can feel so much and see so much which are prolly like ,,,, the most important things in writing ?? also, poor y/n. POOR POOR Y/N . she cares so so so much for miju like bruh their friendship rlly b toxic like this huh :--(

“But you can’t shake the look on Miju’s face you conjured, watching the two of you with that pouty frown of hers, arms crossed over her chest.”

the fact that this whole girl bestie crush issue is sooooo shallow but bec miju has so much issues (she needs help), y/n finds the need to constantly feel guilty ??????????? i so so so feel bad. not @ me being a miju apologist before yIKES cant believe she made our girl try to drop out of ballet ????? fucking dumbass bitch im gonna slap her so strong

“As if he’d let it go. As if he’d pick up on the slightest abnormality in your mood and just let it slip. Let you drive yourself mad with your racing thoughts and not let him in, not let him take on some of the weight. As if.”

so this is where i started crying !!! i think it’s like the nature of people to just ,,,,, idk ask when they feel something’s wrong but they dont really care enough to actually CHECK up on you ??? if that makes sense ??? i’ve had my fair share of people doing this. they’d ask but then get sidetracked and forget you were someone to worry for. this is probably why this y/n and this jimin might be my favorite. they feel so real, the emotions are so raw. i’m rlly glad our girl has jimin by her side now. he’s exactly what she needs. not just as a lover but ,,,,, as a person. yknow ??? like someone to just ground her whenever she’s so high up her mind. someone to be with her as in WITH her. i love love love that.

“No idea what’s wrong with you, but safely relieved that it’s not him. That he could help you work through whatever it is.”

i hope u know my standards for ppl is so so so high bc of ur au-s i SWEAR to god where r the fellas like this huh ???? hUUUUH ?????

“’I don’t know… I just… keep thinking about Miju.’ Jimin lets out a scoff, rolling his eyes in a really exaggerated way.”

jimin, u, me, same

“You’re really thinking about a girl while I got my hand on your ass? Is there something I should know?”

I LOVE HIM SM PLSSSS *INSERT CRYING EMOJI IM USING LAPTOP SO* I LOVE HIM I LOVE THE HUMOR I LOVE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“His face softens at the sound of your words, becoming serious for you.”

i nominate loy! jimin for best boyfriend PERIOD if he doesnt win, RIGGED

“That’s a terrible idea.” The door slams behind the new voice, your body instantly lunging from Jimin’s lap to the vacant space behind him”

like everyone else, i tot this was miju too HAUFHDIUHFUDHUF

and then we came to the part where jimin was having his crisis bc he wants The Sex but our baby is just not having it. i actually really like the way you portrayed it. whenever he’ll talk about wanting to fuck, he’d always say but he understands and he respects. that’s reality baby. he’s a man of honor but obv he has his ~hormones~ and i cANT STRESS ENOUGH how much i love you for writing that !!!!! they jus feel real ok like . how do u even do this ???? HOW IS YOUR MIND CAPABLE OF WRITING THINGS LIKE THIS YOU TALENTED TALENTED BABY

  // ok now that i just reread it, i jus found out that they talked abt the ballet thing in this chap LMAOOOOO i thought it was when they were in the dance room ajidjfijoifjafiodj //

“Can’t wait to fast forward past all this shit. Feel like I haven’t seen you smile in a while.”

cried to this too. like ,,, cried VERY HARD. i turned my phone off AHAHHAHAHA this is pAINFUL . y/n’s going through so much and i jus feel feel feel so bad (also hits close to home) . i feel like im always gon think of this line now whenever i feel a small inconvenience afiudhuihdui . CANT WAIT TO FAST FORWARD PAST ALL THIS SHIT . WANNA SEE MYSELF SMILE AGAIN

“Surprised that he even cared about the difference, but he did.”

when i read this, yes, i cried HARDER . we all need a loy jimin in our lives huh ?? . he's just ,,,, It. like It . jimin loy best boy !!!! also @ yn. DESERVE !! youve always been the older sis, the good good friend, with jimin, u can rest bby. u can lay low, u can do whatever u want :--( u deserve it

“Did you just call me your girlfriend?”

AFHUDSHFJKAHDFJKSHAJKDHFJKAHFKJDSHFJ THERE WE HAVE IT FOLKS BYE

“No.” There’s an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “I’ve only been referring you like that in my head for the past month for fun,”

im having so much fun imagining a jimin in my life FOAHDSIFHIDSHOIFHIO ihy sm for making me realize how dry my love life is CAN I PLS LIVE IN THIS UNIVERSE N TRY TO FIT MYSELF IN BETWEEN THESE TWO AJAJAJAJA (no i wont yn deserves this but whatever mom i wANT HIM)

“I want you to be my girlfriend. So that I can be your boyfriend. And we can be boyfriend and girlfriend to each other, together.”

look at them go :--( cringey babies idk theyre so so so so so so so so nd i cant stress enough SO SO SO SO ADORABLE

“Go ahead. I’ll protect you.”

IM FUCKING SCREAMINGAHDHUFDHUSHIUHAFUIHDSFUI I LOVE HIM OKAY MUM I LOVE HIM CAN I PLS HAVE HIM WHERE DO I FIND (but also, IVE BEEN SAYING IT but like thank thank thank thank fuck they found each other. though y/n has kook, jimin is jus different ,,, i mean obv right but yes im just so so so so glad. y/n doesnt need to always be strong and dependent now. she can just be her and jimin loves that. SIGN ME UP UHUH UHUH

and then we have this whole talk with the moon and y/n quoting him back. i think loy yn and jimin best couple ????? I WILL FRAME THE WHOLE MOON TALK OKAY BYE ,,,,,,,, but fr thats so wholesome and i feel so honored i get to read this FOR FREE. it’s just soooo *insert that aww-ing emoji the one w big eyes* . i love them so much im willing to risk it ALL. theyre so so so so amazing. YOURE AMAZING. i LOVE IT.

#ask; less of you ✨ #jimin sm au #asks; kez 🍯 #submission

[fazbearsfrights]

hey rick tell me. abt your aubergine man. show will to the world

you got it ;)

@bunnyworme

IT’S HIM, THE STINKY BASTARD MAN. he’s meant to look like michael because, y’know, sister location. for reference, here’s my mikey boi! there are some differences here and there, though (i.e. deathly pale, darker hair, sliiightly different haircut, green eyes, bigger nose, etc. also before / when he first opens fredbear’s he’s a LOT chubbier but he uh…loses a lot of weight after certain events. we’ll get into that tho!).

LET’S GET INTO TIMELINE AND PLOT…

SO what’s really important to me here is the stuff just before and after fredbear’s/freddy’s and the afton family, mainly because i haven’t thought up much stuff before then (though i really should - i don’t really even have a solid character in mind for his wife at the moment).

anyhow, william’s family consists of himself, mrs. afton, michael, and elizabeth. william is FAR from the best father, and certain incidents where he lashed out at his own children (particularly michael) led his wife to threaten to leave him at certain points. but william is nothing if not a good manipulator and convincing pathological liar, and he convinced her to stay for a good while before she ultimately did gather the courage to leave. she pleaded for michael and elizabeth to come with her, but elizabeth - desperate for her father’s attention, and always unharmed, unlike michael - chose to stay instead. and being the protective brother he was, michael chose to stick with his sister, despite wishing he could do otherwise. once the divorce was finalized, though, she got custody of them every so often - weekly, which left william feeling…conflicted. that being said, this situation takes place over the course of time, in tandem with the fredbear’s/freddy’s stuff.

at some point in this part of his life, he met henry - a small-time inventor who was incredibly talented, but toiled his days away on miscellaneous small projects, either toys for his children or crafts he could sell for a small fortune (which, sometimes, were toys that his kids had rejected). william, by now, was a bit of an entrepreneur who was looking for a new project - and although it wasn’t obvious at this point, he’d struck gold. over time, their friendship grew, with william wrapping his new acquaintance around his little finger (both intentionally and unintentionally, due to him genuinely growing attached - over time, he grew to admire henry in all sorts of ways). and in the end, some time after learning of his buddy’s talents…he decided it was time for a brilliant idea.

they were both struggling a bit financially, but if they sunk all of their savings into this idea, he was certain it would pay off. “fredbear’s family diner” (although it wasn’t titled at the time, merely a concept) - a family-friendly diner, featuring costumed mascots, like a dinner theater. when henry nervously said that there was no way they could support the salary of costumed workers, william eagerly suggested that they could play the roles, to which henry protested again - they didn’t have the time, especially not if they would be managing the business! eventually they settled on a compromise. henry would be designing a suit that could double as a costume AND an animatronic, like the robotic toys he developed for his children…a springlock suit.

it took ages, with henry tinkering until he developed the first springlock, then a prototype suit, then designs of characters until he and william could both agree, then suits of fredbear and spring bonnie. the two characters who would lead the restaurant. by now, henry was thrilled by this idea and the delight it would bring to not only his kids (who were already excited by the characters he’d been creating) but the kids around their town, and william was simply in it for the money right now (and ultimately, nefarious purposes). still, the two of them smiled on their (henry’s) work at the end of the day, and eagerly started work on the restaurant.

another long while passed, and the financial struggles that its construction caused stirred serious turmoil in the afton family that william had to fan down. henry had similar troubles, but finally, the diner was COMPLETE. the stage was set! his two springlock suits were brought in and placed, and the diner opened the next day. they had a rough time getting word about the diner out, but once it did, it spread like wildfire. it was New to everyone around, especially because of the way the mascots could “change” their styles of dancing. they could even sing! people were impressed, and it was a good thing too, because they really needed that cash.

time passed, and the diner’s popularity grew, and william was pretty happy with how things turned out…for the most part. by now, his familial troubles were getting really rough - things were settling down now, but he wasn’t a better person at home whatsoever. his wife was getting ready to leave (for real) and That was tearing him apart on the inside, despite what success he had from fredbear’s, which was all he seemed to care about now anyway (aside from his relationship with henry). when she finally did leave, he started to snap for the first time and started to lash out at everyone, especially henry. it was the first time the two of them had ever had a real argument, since william had endeavored to keep himself on his “best behavior” because he didn’t want to lose him - and yet here he was, projecting his feelings for why his wife left him onto his best friend, and yelling at him for his unfounded fear that he would leave him too.

the next day, william outwardly gathered himself for henry’s sake and apologized, then explained the situation at home (but twisted the story so that it favored him - it wasn’t his fault she was leaving him, she was the one who manipulated and abused him, etc). and upon hearing all that, being the empathetic soul he is, henry was ofc like “oh worm im so sorry????” and wound up trying to COMFORT him bc he’s baby. and once again, william had him wrapped around his little finger.

now, when his divorce was finalized and his custody of the kids got kinda fucked, and his wife got her first week with them, he snapped yet again. only this time, it was MUCH, MUCH worse. yet again, his meltdown involved henry (or rather, his family), and it was meant to be a cathartic moment - if my family can’t be happy, if i can’t be happy, neither can he. so when one of his henry’s twins wound up locked outside of the diner, he smiled at her - a familiar face for her, as henry’s best friend, and comforted her for a moment…just before stabbing her. and as she bled out on the pavement, he felt no remorse or sadness…in fact, his only concern was that henry might be nearby, since one of his damn kids was. so he haphazardly dragged her toward the back, near the dumpster, barely concealing her under some trashbags, and smiled as he loomed over her pathetically covered corpse. henry would be just as miserable as him now.

william changed into his “professional” outfit in the car, then scrubbed his hands clean in the bathroom the first chance he got, despite wearing gloves at the time of the murder. not even a few hours into the work day, he was being pestered by henry about the whereabouts of his daughter - he didn’t even know a parent could be so paranoid. master manipulator that he was, he assured his friend that she must’ve been around somewhere, probably playing with sammy or one of the other kids, or heck, maybe even playing hide-and-seek. kids are unpredictable! that seemed to ease his worries just enough for the time being, but in the meantime, he just chuckled to himself, knowing what a fool the man was and what panic and misery would ensue the second he knew what fate his daughter had met.

as anticipated, over the next few days, henry’s misery drastically intensified - she went from “missing” to “found” in what felt like a matter of moments, and all the while, william was his only pillar of support. and he was loving every second of it. being able to comfort him on his darkest days, hearing the weak “thank you”s every time he listened to the pitiful man’s venting, the long and anguished hugs. of course, it wasn’t because he was being a friend to him (although part of him did yearn for a closer relationship with henry like this) - it was because he was towering over him in a position of power, because now he was the one “on top.” henry was the one suffering now, moreso than him, and he would never be able to recover. in fact, william was doing better than ever - killing charlie seemed to instill him with more confidence than ever, and he LIKED that feeling.

henry became more and more disheveled, showing up to work in stained flannel and mussed up hair, bags under his red eyes because he’d been crying all night. this pattern continued for a long time, but the crying eventually stopped, though his sorrow was replaced by a deeply-seeded paranoia regarding his own diner. he feared the place, and feared his kids ever visiting it, despite him practically opening it up for them. and yet…none of his suspicions were placed on william. not the one person who’d comforted him in his darkest days, no. not his best friend. that man would never betray him.

eventually (after a bit of an expansion, thanks to some convincing on will’s part - new characters would make the place brand new, make him forget), the diner claimed another victim, and it wasn’t even by william’s own hand, much to his own surprise. another one of henry’s kids, funnily enough (from will’s perspective). he had to witness the man’s grieving process all over again, and support him all over again, all the while trying not to smirk as he towered atop him - when henry suffered, he felt higher than ever before, even though he loved the man to death. 

with this death, however, henry officially decided that it was high time that the diner closed down. he couldn’t bear another death on his hands - not another child of his, especially. he’d grieved enough, and he only had one left. even so, william wouldn’t give up. he convinced henry to create another restaurant, finally, but henry refused to make the animatronics himself…he didn’t trust himself anymore.

and so marked the first time that william invented animatronics of his own, with henry’s help. and once again, his ego soared, as he took to the inventing game rather rapidly - even henry remarked that he was impressed. his models were plastic, unlike henry’s fuzzy and soft ones, and he insisted that they would be more “kid-friendly” and fitted with safer technology to keep him happy. so, the 1987 restaurant was opened, and the toy models took over while the withered animatronics rotted in the back room.

in the meantime, william got to Killin for realsies. charlie was like…a warm up, but this was the real deal. he got sloppy, though, not realizing that his own tech would recognize Him as a criminal if he killed in front of them. in fact, it shouldn’t have been technologically possible. one of his creations - the toy version of foxy, and what would ultimately be the prototype of funtime foxy (mangle) - even recorded audio of him in the act. so, to keep them all in order, he tampered with their facial recognition software. then, he dismantled the mangle beyond repair, then passed it off to everyone around him as something the children did.

although william didn’t have much of a real motive for killing this time around, his interest was piqued when he overheard henry’s oldest son - an employee of the establishment - discussing issues with the current night guard, and how he complained about the animatronic’s behavior during the night. it might not mean much to anyone else, but the way they acted made it seem like they were aware. sentient, perhaps. and their behavior over the ensuing weeks made that possibility feel more and more likely - they stared at staff almost maliciously, and adults in general, but behaved normally around kids. and that caused him to wonder if there was any chance whether the spirits of the kids themselves could’ve tethered themselves and possessed the things.

regardless, when henry realized that more kids were going missing in this restaurant, he started to lose it again. he couldn’t keep it together anymore - and eventually, he managed to figure out just who was behind it all. and although william did his best to keep it together, and sway him otherwise, and smooth-talk him out of it, henry continued to push and push until he snapped and called him out for the liar and the monster that he was. with that, henry truly DID leave him - in fact, he’d left a suicide note, but he just disappeared. no body was ever found.

but despite everything, all the misery william put him through, all the intentional torture, william found himself absolutely devastated by that loss. and for once, he seemed to be genuinely saddened by it; instead of lashing out at others, as he was wont to do, he seemed to lash out at himself. he was a pretty rotund lad back in the day of fredbear’s and the 1987 freddy’s restaurant, but he grew incredibly, deathly thin in the months after henry left. a few new scars had gathered on his wrists by the end of the year. he grew more unkempt, just as henry had just after his losses.

but in time…he recovered. he grew to turn his sorrow and saudade into unbridled hatred. he didn’t need henry, he NEVER did. and to prove it, he made his own franchise and his own robotics company in 1990 - “circus baby’s pizza” and “afton robotics, llc.”, respectively. when his daughter’s interest was piqued after seeing him work on circus baby for the first time, he even encouraged her by telling her that circus baby was being made for her. that wasn’t the case, obviously, but it made her giddy and it would ultimately make her excited enough to possibly spread the word about the upcoming restaurant to her little friends.

finally, circus baby’s restaurant was open to the public - and unbeknownst to them, it was essentially a haven for child murder, just as william had planned for it to be. each of the animatronics had their own mechanisms for luring children away and for ensnaring them, and essentially all he had to do was watch the chaos unfold. this time around, it was an “experiment” of sorts - he wanted to see whether the kids really would possess the robots if they were killed inside of them, test out different methods, etc. as toy chica would say, though, “there is only one thing that could possibly go wrong…”

although william hadn’t been the best father, there is some part of him that did care about his kids. especially elizabeth, his “favorite” child. he may have ignored her - a lot - especially in favor of his work, as of late, but he did love her. and so when she ignored his constant warnings, his incessant pleading for her to stay away from circus baby, only to be snatched up the second she walked up to her…well. he was devastated, yet again.

he should’ve seen it coming, really, especially after telling her that he’d created circus baby “just for her.” but of course he hadn’t thought it through, and now she was gone. it was like he was reliving what he’d done to henry, wasn’t it? karma’s a bitch, ain’t it, afton.

he closed down circus baby’s after that single incident, and started working on an underground facility for the animatronics to be stored while his own mental state started to deteriorate more and more, since he was in almost complete isolation - not even his own son came to see him anymore now that he was entirely independent by now.

around this time, the next freddy’s opened up - the owner just so happened to be henry’s oldest son, the only apparent survivor of the tragedies that befell his family. this IMMEDIATELY caught william’s attention, and reignited the grudge he felt toward henry and his family all over again. he’d get “revenge” for what was done to him, and even to his daughter - at least, that was how it was justified in his twisted mind.

he applied for a job as a dayshift worker under an alias, since he would be recognized otherwise. thankfully, his appearance had changed SO drastically over the years that even henry’s kid - who’d spent so much time around him back in the day - couldn’t piece his identity together. not at first, anyway…but by then, it was too late. he got to work with his usual pattern - luring kids away with the suit they kept in the back room, then stuffing them into the animatronics.

fortunately for him, this could be the experiment he missed out on when he lost his daughter and closed his own restaurant down. and he didn’t have to pay the price for it - henry’s franchise, son, and overall legacy did. he kept a keen eye on the animatronics’ behavior both before and after the children were killed, and he was fascinated to find that they were indeed haunted. something about the semi-conscious bodies being tethered to metal caused their souls to become tethered, too - which led to events like this. 

in fact, their behavior got so aggressive that they started hunting night guards - most of them either quit to keep their lives or mysteriously went “missing” in the night, but william knew what happened. he could see their clumsily stuffed bodies in spare suits in the back. the animatronics were getting revenge for what happened to them, and he was intrigued. but at the same time, he was given a new hope…

he decided to re-dedicate some of his attention to circus baby and her friends with these new discoveries in mind. his resources went to staff and machinery that would allow the bunker to be automated for them - and once that was sufficient (despite a few losses here and there - what can you do? the animatronics Were designed to be killers, after all), he even started up a rental service for them. it wasn’t big, but it was a side project. and in the meantime, he contacted his son about a job offer.

it took some convincing, especially since this offer was coming from a father who had never treated his son well, but because it was about his sister - and despite the supernatural circumstances surrounding the situation - he ultimately accepted. his son would take a job at the rental place as a night technician, but his actual goal would be to find elizabeth and “put her back together.”

with all that settled, this particular freddy’s inevitably closed down FOR GOOD. after all, plenty of grieving parents had come forward, alongside customers complaining about blood and mucus seeping out of the animatronics, and the owner himself had “gone missing” during the night shift (after taking the place of his last willing night guard). and so william went in the abandoned restaurant one last time to dispose of the evidence. after dismantling all of the animatronics and retreating to the safe room, however, he was met with the ghosts of the children he’d killed - and one of them in particular started to approach him. 

he wasn’t sure what they could do, but he was frightened enough to back away until he locked eyes with his springlock suit in the corner - and he suited up one last time, positive that once they saw him as “spring bonnie,” the cheerful character that they’d loved and trusted before they died, they’d leave him alone. he made one fatal mistake, though - in his surge of confidence, he laughed to himself the second he put the suit on, which triggered the springlocks. and once one of them went off, all of them started to go off, one by one, inflicting a quite painful death - or what ought to have been one. william always comes back, y’know.

the safe room got sealed up - william never knew who did it, or why, but it seemed like a premeditated arrangement by henry’s son - and 30 years later, fazbear frights opened up and william was Pissed. he’d been locked up all that time and he was itchin for revenge…and since the emily family was gone, he was ready to take his anger out on the world around him. except there was no escape from this attraction, all over again - and there was only one person around. a “guard.”

only, when he approached the makeshift office, what did he find? the “guard” this time around was none other than his goddamn son - except that his son was barely recognizable now, deformed, corpsey, and boney. if it weren’t for the wig and the make-up to make his skin resemble…skin, he Wouldn’t have recognized him. william was a confused and angry stinky, rotting bunny.

every time he managed to make it up to the window pane just in front of the office, he slammed his animatronic paws on it demandingly and tried to speak to michael through severed vocal chords. michael, on the other hand, would wince and desperately try to lure him into another room by distracting the suit he was inside of (which still had a mind of its own, even with him being somewhat dominant) with those damn balloon boy giggles, and he would be unwittingly forced to leave.

the miserable pattern continued for a week until michael set the place ablaze, trying to get rid of the franchise’s worst mistake - william himself. of course, he failed, and william survived…and now he had a new target. his son himself. whoops. and that leads us into the final freddy’s restaurant.

a freddy fazbear’s pizza joint that michael himself opens up, to salvage all the final pieces of the fazbear franchise and get rid of them once and for all, to make sure that everyone is set free. william is, of course, one of these final pieces - and despite realizing that this must be a trap, this piques his curiosity, and he’s confident that he’ll be able to escape again. that’s what he did before.

unfortunately for him, the construction of this place was too clever for him to anticipate - a carefully-constructed labyrinth that would endlessly lure him and the others in a circle, up until the final day, where they would all meet their end in a fiery grave.

and, of course, there’s the end - where william meets his ending in hell, surrounded by the animatronics he’s gotten to know so well; some of which he’s created, some of which henry has, some of which are haunted by his victims, some of which are a product of circumstance, and some of which…are him himself. and the one orchestrating it all just so happens to be henry’s boy…sammy, represented by golden freddy, one of the most vengeful spirits there.

NOW. uh. i’m sure you’ve gotten a taste of it throughout all of this, but we can talk a lil more about his personality and stuff?

william is a very mentally ill boio, but i really like to hone in on the fact that he’s a bpd bastard because i feel like there were lots of hints about that in the books. maybe that’s just me though. i mean, the fact that he wrote stuff about henry that ranged from the dude being his idol and him loving his work to him almost hating his guts and being consumed by jealousy for his talents kinda sealed the deal for me on THAT headcanon?? so he’s got like - a debilitating fear of abandonment, acts kinda recklessly / impulsively, is INCREDIBLY antisocial, hostile, and irritable, has mood swings a-plenty, is actually VERY insecure even though he’ll never show that to anyone around him, and is really self-destructive even if he doesn’t fucking realize it. like, this man will shrug off ANY self-blame until the cows come home.

and straight down the line, i think william meets all the criteria for having antisocial personality disorder, too. disregard for right and wrong, persistent lying to exploit others, disrespecting others, manipulating others for personal gain, arrogance and a sense of superiority, CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, impulsiveness and failure to plan ahead, hostility, aggression, violence, lack of remorse, dangerous behavior, abusive relationships, failure to consider negative consequences or learn from them, and being consistently irresponsible and failing to meet work obligations.

so he’s obviously manipulative and cruel, and a pathological liar. but well, he can be…nice when he wants to be? it’s usually when he’s first starting his relationships, but it’s never quite “right” - there’s a moment of peace while he struggles to find what his new friend/partner wants in somebody, and he’ll do anything to meet their expectations and keep them happy until they’re content enough for him to start showing his true colors. 

in his wife’s case, he was a perfect gentleman who did anything for her, but then he started getting upset with her very easily over the littlest things. things escalated drastically over time, but he apologized every time and assured her he would be better for her, bought her candy and flowers, anything to remind her of that perfect guy he was at first. and that sort of pattern continued up until they were married, and she miserably stuck with him through the arguments and bruises and incidents with her children until she finally had enough.

on a similar note, he really did care about henry (before it all went astray) - henry was his closest friend and it really showed in just how intense his attachment was to him. his depression over henry’s loss was far more intense than what he went through after his divorce. unfortunately, his affection for henry just manifested in an INCREDIBLY twisted way, with his jealousy and bitterness often taking hold more than any actual kindness he might possess. 

there’s also his kids - even though michael got the short end of the stick, william did occasionally show…some shred of affection toward him. let’s just say that a lot of the ways that michael was mistreated, beaten, and kicked while he was down was how william was treated as a kid, and those patterns took over once he had kids of his own. when he wasn’t taking out his anger on his family, he did act like a real father every so often, treating his kids to Good days at the diner and letting them play alongside henry’s kids, or playing with them himself, or just tucking them in at night and doing little things to show he did care, even a tiny bit.

and as for elizabeth, the favoritism was real. when william was working on his bigger projects, like starting up fredbear’s or actually designing and creating animatronics - those for circus baby’s pizzeria in particular - she got ignored a lot more, which always upset her, but other than that? she got PLENTY of attention. love from her dad (though his “i love you”s were always spoken so haphazardly to both of his children, whether he intended for them to sound that way or not), playtime (though he always seemed bored), and he would take her out every so often to get ice cream (her favorite). circus baby might not actually have been made for her, but one aspect of her design was certainly inspired by her - the ice cream dispenser. her father’s attitude was always what made her insecure - and there were other things behind the scenes too, like the way he threw out her drawings when she wasn’t looking (she always found them in the trash later on).

#bunnyworme #rick's handy dandy fnaf au tag #there's my fnaf au tag there u go #im not brave enough to put this in official tags tho #ALSO: MEGA LONG POST UNDER THE READ MORE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED #also lots of triggers in here WHOOPS #abuse / #child death / #self harm / #suicide ment / #ask to tag /

[taeyuung]

Back To Life🌞🌧

Stoner!mark x Terminallyill!reader

not proofread!!!!!

warnings: mentions of underage drugs & alcohol, heavy talk abt illness’s, death, major sad boy hours

genre: angst, fluff if u rub ur eyes

bulleted au!

so you and mark have been friends for about two years

you both met on the night of your fifteenth birthday,, when you couldn’t sleep after trying for about two hours

you threw on an oversized hoodie and sweats,,, courtesy of your big brother jaehyun

you quietly ventured outside and snook around to the back of your house where there was a small park, that no one except you and your family knew about

so you thought lol

as you were walking along the path, you saw a cloud of smoke puff into the air and float away

you were beyond confused because?? who could that be??

you continued walking along the path, which crossed them anyway

when you reached them, you saw who it was beneath the black beanie pulled snugg over their head

it was mark lee

local stoner boy who got away with anything because his dad was head police officer

yes cliche whatever

n e way, local stoner boy is what you called him

you always kind of disliked him

not because of something he had done

but he always seemed to have a cocky aura or something

you had never talked to him very much before until then

he noticed you standing there and looked up at you

“can i help you?”

“nah, can i sit?” you said hoping for some company that night

“yeah sure uh i guess” he scoots up on the bench and dabs out his cigarette bud

“im y/n”

“mark, mark lee”

he would never forget that night, the way you smiled at him when you introduced yourself, a real smile.

that night you literally spent like five hours up talking and you exchanged numbers ofc

ever since, you and mark would meet at that bench every other night

he would be smoking or occasionally drinking, depending on his mood

he opened up to you about the difficulties in his life amd you would do the same to him

never in your life would you had expected to see local stoner boy, mark lee, so vunerable

he would often cry on your shoulder, you was his bestfriend and he was yours.

it was when you hadn’t shown up for almost a week around your seventeenth birthday, mark began to worry

you would text him and say you had “too much studying” or you were “too tired”

a bunch of bs tbh

you were just sick, your parents wrote it off as a common cold or migraines

your head would pulsate with pain and your vision often became blurry

but you didn’t want mark catching your sickness, so you decided to come up with excuses

bc if you told him you were sick, he would be straight to you in a heartbeat with whatever you needed

on the second week of you not turning up, mark decided to visit you

he felt quilty that he had done something wrong to offend you, thats why you wouldnt meet him

so, as he walked through the door

your parents out of town and your brother in college

he didn’t hear a sound and assumed you were just asleep

but when he opened you bedroom door he noticed you slim figure sprawled across your carpeted floor, you had collapsed

mark had seen you go through some of the toughest times, he’d seen you cry for hours on his shoulder and he’d seen you scream and shake in anger

but this sight had broken his heart into a million tiny pieces, your body was so thin and skeletal, you truly looked like death itself

his eyes welled up as he picked up your body off of the floor and went to his old tattered jeep

he gently put you in the car, afraid of your fragile state and drove quickly to the hospital

that was the day you were disgnosed with astrocytoma, also known as cancer of the brain

they had told you it was a growing tumour that clutched itself around your brain and you would need surgery as soon as possible

that brings us to here

four months in the hospital and tumour free

except you had to stay there because you needed to receive radiotherapy to make sure the tumour was dead

mark visits everyday

and its around the time he should be coming in-

“yo yo mark lee in the house- wait room?- hospital?”

“i’m a fingers length away from pressing the security button lee” you threatened

he chuckled and walked over to you

“not if i slap it away from you”

“im not paralysed mark i can just get it”

“whatever, you’re no fun” he complained

and you laughed at his whining voice as he climbed in the bed next to you

even though the bed is a single bed, mark would always climb in beside you and cuddle or just enjoy you by his side

“how were the kids today?” you say refering to the dreamies

“they wanted to come and visit with me but i told them no because you didn’t eat today and would probably eat them”

you slap him and shake your head “mark! don’t scare them like that they’re gonna think im mean!”

he just laughs at your poor hit and reaction

you had been introduced to the dreamies when you befriended mark

you and mark called them your kids because they practically were

they did come to visit alot, they instantly took a liking to you because they felt safe in your presence

“you’re ridiculous mark lee, im going to tell the security guards, the next time they see your face make sure not to let you in here”

“yeah okay, whatever y/n. you love me too much to never see me again” he made kissy noises and laughed as you also laughed and pretended to gag

as weeks went on mark kept visiting and so did the dreamies

and you had your regular radiotherapy appointments to kill the tumour

but suddenly your hearing was more sensitive, making you having to tell mark to be more quieter

your headaches came back

your vision was becoming more and more delayed over time

returning from your radiotherapy appointment, you see mark sitting on your bed and you climb in next to him

“heyyy bestfriend, how was your day?” he asks

“oh my god, martin from floor five was singing in around the ward today and i swear to god. i’m not the best singer ever but man that man is tone deaf”

mark laughed and scrunched his nose, the laugh you love so much filling the room you hate so much.

you went on about martin from fifth floors atrocious singing sessions before Dr.Kim came in and smiled at you sweetly

“hello y/n, i come bearing news”

you and mark sit up

“i-i’m afraid its not good either” he frowns at the two giddy smiles he sees before him, they are quickly turned into frowns too

“it’s your tumour, the radiotherapy was going extremely smooth until we hit a lump earlier today, im so sorry. your tumour is back and it would be extremely dangerous to operate.”

that was all it took for you to let out the tears you had built up

you were finally cancer free, a survivor.

until this news hit you like a tonne of weights straight to the side of your head

not only you but the black haired boy sotting on your left

he felt his own pool of tears stream down his face as the doctor walked out

you shook in absolute devastation and shouted

flailing your arms around in hope to release your anger

as mark pulls you close to him, his arms wrapped securely around your waist and your head pressed to his chest

his head lay ontop of yours and he pressed small kisses to your hair as you cried for what seemed like years

he whispers small encouragements into your ear but you knew it was over, and so did he

his voice cracked with every syllable spoken, he truly was terrified.

over the next days mark stayed there with you, you knew it was because he was afraid

everyone was now

it was just one day

when mark had gone to the hospitals cafeteria to get a muffin

you really started to feel sick

you could barely see straight and by the time mark came back

your lips were stained red and pale from where you had coughed up blood just minutes before he walked in

he dropped the muffin and ran to be by your side

immediately handing you tissues and wiping the blood from your chapped lips

“hey, hey it’s okay” he would say as he got up frantically to call for a nurse

“m-mark, don’t. please don’t”

he would be so confused, wanting to get you help as soon as it could arrive

but you were too tired of fighting

you just wanted to spend the next minutes with the person you loved

“w-what? y/n you need to be helped, i-i don’t understand” he would stutter as his eyes welled up and he slowly walked over to your side

he grabs your hand and kisses it softly, scared of you breaking

you shake your head gently and just smile

“just, sing for me mark”

you lay back and turn your head to face him

smiling weakly

he would be so heartbroken

but he knew how much you loved his voice when he sang

how soft it would be

how raw and full of emotion it sounded

so thats what he would do

sing your favourite tune as the tears streamed down his sharp cheekbones

you also crying, never thinking you’d be in this position

after he would finish

he would sob and apologise for not noticing sooner how ill you had become but you just closed your eyes, becoming too weak to keep them open

“m-mark, listen to me. take care of the dreamies for me, let them know i love them and i’ll always be right by their side. and as f-for you mister mark lee, my bestfriend, my whole wide world, the love of my life. p-please look after yourself, acheive your goals and promise me one thing” you open your eyes to look at him

“anything” he responded with a shaky voice and a sob that broke your heart

“continue to grow and love after me, it’s all i ask for. i want you to enjoy your life, even if it’s not for you, do it for me” you smile and then cough violently until you can barely see straight

mark reaches up and strokes your hair as a small sad smile etches itself onto his lips

“i love you y/n, you will forever be my angel. it’s okay, you can rest now. go to sleep y/n, i’ll see you in my dreams yeah?”

your eyes close, for the last time

he kisses your head gently and sobs into your shoulder

squeezing your hand, knowing you had rested

#nct 127 #nct angst #nct blurbs #nct dream #nct fluff #nct imagines #nct u #chenle #jaemin #jeno imagines #angst #mark lee #mark lee nct #mark nct #mark lee angst #mark lee imagines #mark lee scenarios #mark lee drabbles #kpop #kpop au #kpop reactions #kpop scenarios #kpop angst #kpop imagines #kpop edits #this is really sad im sorry

[emikvs]

﹤𝙽𝙰𝙽𝙰 𝙺𝙾𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚂𝚄, 𝚂𝙷𝙴 / 𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴﹥; * - hello EMIKO " EMI " SATO. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're TWENTY ONE, how you're a CLASSICS major,  and in fact.. how you LIE AND TELL EVERYONE YOU STUDIED ABROAD FOR A YEAR WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN REHAB. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?

*itzy vc* hey hey hey ! SDBJWBDJW what’s up......its xan aha ... this is gonna be the biggest mess ever ...just winging it as i go. and u know what ? thats on on brand babey ! lets get it ...TW: drug use/mention, accidents/hospitalization ( just in case)

backstory

virginia born and raised babey ! she’s the youngest of five siblings and ...it shows. SJDBJWBDJW growing up would have been pretty chaotic had it not been for the fact that her dad was a pretty well-respected police officer in their town ! him & her mom were high school sweethearts which made no damn sense to emiko considering they’re still happily married...the concept just seems fake to her </3

while her parents had a lot of  mushy love for each other, when it came to their kids they opted to take a more emotionally distanced kind of parenting style bc they didnt wanna like spoil their kids or anything but.....it wasnt exactly the best plan ! emi and all her siblings just learned to be very good liars JDSBWBDJW as kids with strict parents do

being the youngest emi took a while to get into her rebellious phase. for a while she’d just watch her older siblings sneak out and party and do walks of shame and all that jazz...and while she was always down to help them get out of trouble none of them ever really trusted her ? since she was the baby they figured she’d be the most likely to snitch which just made her really ///: bc she wanted to be included so bad

flash forward to senior year of high school and finally emi’s like . okay fuck this it’s MY turn ! her dad had recently decided to get into politics with some encouragement from the police chief so he was busy with his career and her mom was busy helping him. it was the perfect time to do what she wanted since it was less likely she’d get caught

so she goes to this graduation party.....and it’s BAD like she gets fucked up & carried away so she calls her oldest sister ( who had come back into town for emi’s graduation ) to come pick her up & on the way to get emi from this house party, her sister ends up getting into an accident 

she didn’t die though JSBJDSBBWJDBWJDBJWDW just broke some stuff and ended up needing surgery ): and emi obviously got busted that night by her parents which ... wasnt pretty at all especially bc they low key blamed her for her sister’s accident which just made emi feel like pure shit babey ! 

visiting her sister in the hospital is what kinda sparked her fear of hospitals ! bc emi was like super guilty and paranoid that maybe her sister was gonna die or her surgery would go wrong and she’d essentially be at fault...it was just a lot of anxiety that turned into a genuine phobia of hospitals after that

but her sister made it she was okay and her dad used all the buzz and tragedy around his family to kinda boost his political career....which was ugly. her sister had been prescribed some pretty heavy pain killers for the pain & thats where things got.....messy

emi isnt sure when exactly it started but between the guilt she was harboring over her sister’s accident, the stress from her parents as her dad got further and further into virginia politics as well as college anxiety since she was about to start at the universoty of virginia.....she stole some oxy and thats what started what would be a very messy and tumultuous addiction  

as soon as she started college, emi felt as if some of the weight had been lifted. she was living away from her family for the first time and dorming so she promised herself she’d take these four years to grow and figure out who she is......except that didnt exactly happen. instead of exploring herself in a healthy way, emi was using drugs as a sort of escapism from her “old” self. she’s extremely smart and she loves her major, but her professors would often comment her papers had the energy of a “rambling and troubled mind”. by the time she was about to finish her sophomore year she was getting so high people would find her literally passed out in the dining hall. but no one was that worried bc for a good two years, she was a pretty high functioning addict. 

cue the summer after sophomore year when emi overdoses at a party. she woke up in a private hospital room with only her father sitting on the couch, the look on his face something she’ll never forget. while him and her mother knew exactly what happened to emi, they hadn’t told any of her siblings. or anyone at all, for that matter. instead her dad had informed the university emi would be taking a year off to privately study abroad and told emi that’s what she was going to tell people bc he’d just decided to run for mayor ! he essentially guilt-tripped her into thinking telling people the truth would be a selfish act, and one that would basically ruin the family reputation and make everyone really miserable JSDWDBWBDJW he also tells her she’s gonna be shipped off to rehab ! 

so she goes to rehab for a good seven months. everyone at school thinks she’s studying abroad in italy, and emi is literally just counting the days til she can go back home to her dorm bc she’s lonely !!! in rehab !!! and she gets that she should take it seriously but shes just so mad at her dad and herself and the world too ig ... just some good old fashioned angst ! but she finishes rehab and her dad got elected as mayor of her hometown in virginia and shes like good for u can i go back to school please JSBDWJDBJW and he says yes

so she’s back ! ready for the universe to give her a break.....ahaha.....

personality + tidbits

so emi......my baby......she’s a strange one. she’s that bitch that’s super nerdy but in the weirdest way like the stuff she’s into is so specific and just....generally stuff literally no one else would care about but to emi it’s like holy shit this is the coolest thing in the world JSBDJWBDJWBJD she knows a little about a lot so she has the tendency to come across as pretentious if you don’t know her outside of class when in reality she’s just read one too many random facts. also weird in the sense that she’s a STRONG believer in the paranormal and in aliens and in witchcraft and stuff like that as well as believing in things that seem “logical”. it can be confusing to people who view that stuff as silly that someone so smart would be into it. 

speaking of smart.....she’s a polygot which basically means she can speak a bunch of languages ! she’s self-taught, and since she’s a classics major some of her favorites to study include greek and latin ( dead language who ? ). she’s pretty chill about it though and if you wanted to learn she’d be the type that’s 100% down to teach you. she always learns the curse words first just you know....for the fun of it ! she probably has very specific “pet names” for everyone in the friend group in random languages 

anyway she’s also stupid. ASDJWBDWBJDBWJDWJD i mean like in the way that she makes the most .... impulsive decisions that usually have negative consequences. she’s the type to convince herself she knows exactly what she’s then come up with the worst plan you have ever heard in your life. an example of a dumb decision emi has made ? your girl ate a pot brownie the day after she got back in her dorm after rehab bc she convinced herself it was a good way to de-stress. some other dumb decisions include various drunk tattoos ( which thankfully haven’t been too bad save for the words eat me tattooed in small font on her ass ). also owns a stick & poke gun so she’s for sure tried to tattoo friends while intoxicated despite.....not being a tattoo artist ... she’s not even an art student .... SJBDJWBDJW....but she’s very very good at convincing people to join in on her dumb antics so be weary

big on photography !!! she loves taking pictures. always that one friend who reminds you to document the moment and you get annoyed but then when you want to post a picture on insta you’re thankful she was there <3 she has the energy of like .... the dad friend when you need support JSDBWBDJWBDJW she tries to be caring but it just turns into like ... emi high off her ass putting her hand on your shoulder and being like “you know fuck it man you’re amazing” not that good at the emotional stuff like she really wants to be but she legit doesn’t know how.......kinda accidentally turned into an emo kid bc she channels her feelings though some kick ass playlists and the notes app in her iphone instead of talking to people JSBDJWBJDBWJDBJ 

she’s high key struggling but she’s the type to be like no its fine this is fine life is a ride babey better hold on ! tries to keep things flirty and fresh 99% of the time but then you’ll witness the rare emi breakdown which.....involves a whole lot of tweets that will all be deleted within 24 hours and emi will in fact deny they ever existed

really a laid-back girl but the chaotic energy is there folks......she can also very easily get into her youngest child complex if she’s upset which just involves emi being a pain in the ass and everyone having to deal with it JSBDWBDJWBDJWBDJW  she likes to make it hard to say no to her.....not exactly manipulative but sometimes she can get close /: not listed in her fears but she is in fact scared of genuine love and affection ! it’s like she craves it so much she’s terrified abt what will happen if she ever gets it.......so she makes sure she’s never in danger of that by never getting into anything serious.....but then at night shes like damn . kinda want a freak to hold my hand rn and tell me they love me ... JSDBWBDJWBDJWBJDWJDW it’s all fun and games.............

ok thats it im done rambling.................this is so long..............and for what !!!!! i made her more of a clown than i intended but thats okay (: JSDBJWBDWJDBWJ emi might hate clowns but im embracing them ! 

#╰ ♡ . 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒋𝒊 ── ooc ! ┘ #what if......u read this......and plotted with me.....aha just kidding.....unless ?

[buckymcbuttfacebarnes]

reunions are the best part

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

word count: abt 1700

request: hey can u write about where bucky & the reader are dating, and one night after the two went on separated missions, bucky came back bringing an random gift to her and its a necklace with the word 'b' on it, bc he wanted everyone to know shes only his and she loves it? and its all fluffy and romantic please? (requested by anon)

a/n: its fluff city baby. thank u for this request anon i hope it doesnt disappoint xx

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

There was very little to be happy about when you and Bucky were forced to separate from one another. Though you were both well-aware that last-minute trips and dangerous expeditions were the main point in your job descriptions, it did not stop you from wallowing in that uncomfortable feeling of worry and longing.

That is why reunions were the best. They were the best part of any mission, hands down. You had been apart for three weeks, nearly a whole month. His mission had taken him to Spain, where he could walk along the shores of beaches and look up the glittering sun-tinged waves. Your mission had taken you to Ohio. You supposed it was a fine state, but it didn’t live up to Spain’s splendor.

He met you in your room, and even though you knew he was coming, you were still shocked when you saw him standing in the doorway, his lips curled into that ever-radiant smile. You shout his name in excitement as you clamber off the bed and jump into his arms.

“Hi, doll,” you hear him say.

“Hi, baby.”

God, how you loved to feel his arms around you, strong and firm. His left hand slips beneath the rising hem of your shirt, metal grazing the delicate skin of your lower back. It sends chill from the base of your spine to the very top. Your face is tucked into the crook of his neck. You can smell his cologne and the familiar scent warms you from head to toe.

“You missed me, huh?”

You take a good look at him, hands on either side of his face. “You cut your hair,” you muse, one hand floating up to touch the shortened strands.

“You don’t like it?”

“Very retro, Barnes,” you comment, a slight allusion to his days in the forties. It is not quite that short, but now it only comes past his earlobe. He has it messily brushed back from his face. “I like it.”

He grins, eyes crinkling jovially at the corners. “Good.”

“Good.”

“I should shower,” he sighs, hands running up and down the length of your sides, touching your skin. Every time he leaves he misses you more and more. “I probably smell like shit.”

“You don’t, just come lay down.”

This makes him laugh, but he shakes his head. You unravel your arms from around his neck, hands resting on his shoulders.

“C’mon, please? I missed you.”

“Oh don’t give me that,” he says, mimicking the look on your face by poking out his lower lip. He laughs and grabs at your wrists. “You’re welcome to come shower with me,” he suggests coquettishly, lifting an eyebrow as he presses a kiss to the inside of each wrist.

You bite down on your lower lip, masking a smile. “I’ve already showered.”

“You can never be too clean.”

In the shower he asks to wash your hair, but it’s already been washed, conditioned, and detangled, so instead you wash his.

“Can I use your shampoo? It smells better.”

“Yours smells just fine.”

He wrinkles his nose and you roll your eyes, but you oblige him anyway.

The water is hot, hotter than Bucky can initially stand, but he works through it. Beneath your hands, tense muscles succumb to relaxation. His head dips down to press loving kisses against your wet skin. He is so happy to be home.

In bed, his eyes are half open and his damp hair hangs down onto his forehead even though he keeps pushing it back. You tuck it behind his ears once or twice.

“I really like it this short.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm,” you hum, flipping onto your stomach to look at him. It’s dark aside from the lamp on your nightstand. It casts a light on him that reminds you of the early morning sun. The shadows highlight the prominence of his brow bone and the small dimple in his chin. He is so handsome.

“You got really tan.”

“I know,” he laughs, “I was in the sun constantly.”’

“You go to the beach?”

“Of course I did. Sam forced me.”

“Lucky bastards,” you grimace.

“Hey,” Bucky chuckles, “I was thinking of you the whole time I was there.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course…” his flesh hand cups your face and you lean forward to kiss him. “Oh! I got something for you. Hold on.”

He gets out of bed to scramble through his suitcase, still packed with all of his things. It would probably remain like that for the next two weeks. Bucky was a terrible procrastinator and unfortunately, so were you.

From a small velvet dust bag, he pulls a blue velvet box.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I know. But I wanted to.”

Bucky, with a crooked grin upon his face, settles back into bed. His back rests against the headboard as he holds the box out to you. You sit up on your knees and open it up gingerly. Inside is a necklace. It is a delicate gold chain, simple and understated. On it hangs a small disc pendant which simply reads the letter ‘b’, printed in a simple lowercase font. It is simple, but it is so beautiful.

“Oh, Bucky,” you breathe. There is a lump in your throat and love in your heart. You lean forward and press a kiss to his lips, long and lingering. His hand cradles the back of your head.

“You like it?”

“I love it.”

“It’s ‘b’ for Bucky,” he needlessly explains.

“I thought it was ‘b’ for buttface.”

He laughs, “Alright, alright, smartass...Give me another kiss.” Bucky leans forward to meet your lips. “I just thought, you know, your my girl. And, doll, with a hot piece like you, I know guys might wanna try somethin’. Now they know, even when I’m not there. You’re my girl, I’m your guy.”

“That’s corny.”

“Oh, you think that’s corny? Wait ‘til you hear this one, dollface,” he holds his forefinger up in preparation. “When you wear this, it’ll be like a little piece of me is with you, I’ll be with you always.”

“I love you.” You settle into his lap, the necklace still in your hands. You cannot help but peer down at it lovingly. “Can you put this on me?”

He snatches the box from your hands with a mischievous smile, tossing it aside and onto the bedside table with a carelessness that makes you laugh. “Later,” he tells you quickly. “Right now I wanna see how much you love me.” He flips you over quickly and the sound of your laughter becomes the best thing he’s heard in weeks. It’s loud and beautiful and exactly right. It was everything.

“You’re so gross,” you say from beneath him.

“Gross? What’s gross—” he leans down, peppering kisses along the side of your face, then down the length of your neck “—about wanting to see how much my girl loves me?” When you don’t answer his hands find the ticklish spot on your side, making you squeal. “C’mon, tell me. Let me hear ya.”

“Nothing,” you respond quickly, eager to stop the torture. He refuses to let you off easy.

“What was that, doll? I didn’t quite hear you.”

“Nothing, nothing!” you chant, the words drawn out by ebbs of laughter.

He stops the torture. Now he is so close to you, both of his forearms on either side of you, his body against yours. You don’t mind the weight of him, you only want to feel him against you. Blue eyes appear bluer when surrounded by such perfectly tanned skin (you imagine they must be mirrors of what the ocean looked like), he watches you with amusement, the sight of your grin putting butterflies in his stomach.

“That’s my girl.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky fluff #bucky imagine #marvel imagine #bucky barnes

[lookwhatilost]

24

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin. 

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

#blah blah blah #negative #suicide tw #i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up #self harm tw #ed tw

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket. 

it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan 

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

#toinfinityandsurvive