⚠️trigger warning⚠️
sewerslide, depression, etc.
Me Voy A Matarme
i’m going to kill myself;
but the problem is,
i don’t know how much of a joke that is anymore.
it was once a joke;
one hundred percent.
said in moments of weakness,
of annoyance,
of anger,
of sadness,
of pain.
back when the response was only a “bruh” or “you want me to have more dead friend trauma?”
damned if i do,
damned if i don’t.
but now i’m not so sure;
it is a joke;
maybe fifty or sixty percent.
said in moments of sadness,
of pain,
of annoyance,
of anger,
of weakness.
now with no response.
met with either silence,
uncomfortable looks,
or loneliness.
damned if i don’t,
fine if i do.
my reason for why is odd.
it’s not that i don’t want to be here;
it’s that i feel no one wants me here.
i feel it would be better for everyone if i disappeared.
i offer nothing good.
i offer depression,
anxiety,
anger,
sadness.
i want to be here.
i want to continue living;
but does anyone want me to continue living?
am i just ruining everyone’s life?
i bring pain and worry upon those i care about.
if i wasn’t here,
would that happen as much?
or would they all be okay?
would they all be better?
would they all live their lives as if i was never here at all?
i don’t want to die;
but i think everyone wants me dead;
to throw me in the ground and forget i ever existed.
it hurts.
this is more pain than i’ve ever felt;
having a list of people who don’t care is worse than having no one.
i’m hurt;
but i’m numb to it now;
i’ve felt it so long it’s just a part of me now.
i’m numb;
dead inside;
dead.
Context/Story behind this Poem
essentially, i’m depressed, i feel like a shitty person, i don’t think anyone wants me here, and i’m tired of feeling like this. if you feel the same way please know that you are worth it. you deserve to keep living. you’re not a shitty person. you’re important to a lot of people and they all care about you. they want you here.
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in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)
kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.
also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all
tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?
ive died two times in my life so far.
the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.
the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.
i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.
and then i died again.
this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.
it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning
i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:
im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?
so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.
and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.
i was reborn.
at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:
i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed
i finished about six chapters of my book
i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head
i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked
i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer
i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends
i started focusing on my studies
i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings
dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird
and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.
but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.
and if finding happiness a losing battle?
well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.
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the things that hurts the most is seeing kids under those tags. it really does. you guys are soo young. it may sound like me being a baby-boomer but really when i was 14 i didn't have any socials beside insta (still destructive to my viev of self) and messenger and i still got depressed and engaged in some screwed up behaviors and i'm just so worried about those who have access to this app or tiktok. this place is so dangerous, triggering and nasty. some people here encourage others to get sicker and even clame that their issues are not that serious unless something truly horrible happenes. there are cases of underage people getting gross and creppy messages from grown-ups who are using the power imbalance to get the most out of minors who don't know any better and sometimes won't react properly to this. if you are a still a kid and you are hanging there please please please take a break and see if it makes you feel any better! i wish you all the best and hope that you reclaim your childhood just in time. (SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING) life may be dificult but it is truly worth it and i say it as a sui atempt survivor
i love you all, i wish you an awsome day today! remember you deserve the world and all good things, don't let others break you 💗💗💗💗
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Reasons
it’s you
my reason
my reason for smiling
my reason for dreaming
my reason for laughing
my reason for crying
my reason for fighting
my reason for trying
my reason for staying
my reason for falling
my reason for loving
and so,
my reason?
it’s you
it’s always been you
it will always be you
Context/Story for the Poem
⚠️trigger warning⚠️
(mention of sh and sewerslide)
i’ve been going through a really rough time and not many people are there for me in this tough time but i have one person who is there for me and who is amazing in so many ways and they’re great at reminding me as many times as i need that they’re there for me and they care about me. i struggle with thoughts of sewerslide and also struggle with sh. this person is the only one who i feel like really understands me and knows how to support me with these struggles. they are the reason i keep going.
Other songs to accompany this poem:
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