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queenie-blackthorn · 7 months

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in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

#mental health day #world mental health day #october 10 #tw sewerslide attempt #tw mentions of death #tw mentions of self harm #tw self destructive behavior #road to recovery

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safe-haven-safe-place · 1 year

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#mental health #healing #recovery #positive thoughts #positivity #healing is messy #healing is not linear #healing takes time #road to recovery #self compassion

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jencsi · 1 month

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Finlay Friday

#julie finlay #finlay friday #elisabeth shue #csi cbs #csi crime scene investigation #csi vegas #road to recovery #season 15 #she had a lot of good scenes in this one

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yaskie · 11 months

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Another surgery, more Chemo

Dear Friends, I got most of my results today. And I got bad days sometimes. It's been how many months eversince I went home after a year of being in and out of HP, and been into ICU. I am in need of another surgery again to remove water in my lungs as it re-occurs almost monthly because of pleural effusion, infection. Which requires medical attention. I have this occurring condition because of my Treatments, and tumors are occurring all over my body and some of them are malignant which requires so much attention. My illness was earlier detected and in lower stages, and can be cured(I am praying always) to not advance, but it will take time as to how my body reacts. My lungs has a very bad history last 2018, and lately they have found something on my breast that needs further checking as well. My breasts hurts a lot. Unfortunately, the cost of the surgery and the mounting hospital bills that have piled up from my past hospitalization(2021-2022), have become an overwhelming burden for me, my friends and my family. We are also still grieving at the untimely passing of my niece 3 weeks ago. They have already exhausted their savings and are struggling to make ends meet. And also I've been a breadwinner of my Family for a very long time. They depend on me financially. Weekly Treatments are costly for me too as well. As we have a very bad healthcare system where I live. And despite having a job, it only pays me $250/monthly which is not enough, because I am renting an apartment. And have a caregiver to check on my welfare, as I have difficulties in movement and series of bad episodes. I am also taking care of my cats and dog,

I am also most of the time in an oxygen so that it will ease my breathing problems. I have bad days, but I am trying my best to ease the pain and smile everyday.💖💝 I am really ashamed to ask help once again, as you all know I made my Etsy store several months ago to help with my expenses, but Etsy permanently suspend it without any proper explanation, despite my appeal. The Laptop which I also use for designing is no longer working, and I need to redesign again to sell, to support my Treatment. I humbly ask for your support once again. As I need to have the procedure to be scheduled next week 24th of May. Update as of June: I am already home but unfortunately my bills have piled up again, and signed a promissory letter.

Please share this post, spread the word, this will help me a lot. Every contribution, no matter how small, will make a significant impact to me.

I am also starting to make an artwork to sell here on Ko-Fi once my procedure is finish. I might stay in HP for 4-5 days. Thank you so much for all the help! And I love you all!

For Donations $149 and above. If you wish to donate more than that please send them into parts(Ex.$300 = $100,$100,$50,$50), because Paypal will hold them usually for 10 working days. Thank you so much for understanding.

For Donors, you can send to me your screenshot of the amount that you have donated here: [email protected] and I will make a small gift for you, a digital art of dog or cat of your liking. Or if you have a tumblr please message me, and I will tag you of the art. It will take time for me to make them, and I ask for your patience about this matter. Thank you so much!

Sorry for tagging you all guys again, if you could tag any fundraising blogs and your friends here on Tumblr please do so. it will help boost my campaign. You can also share my link to your Social Media accounts, and if you can share this outside of tumblr. It will b a great help to me. @leonshin99 @shotce @thelovelywarriorsheart @sparkie96 @c1a1r3r3df1e1d @silvertonguelover @measurelessdreamer @fossil-finder @vietnoodle @irishspringyum @kevinbuiyin I am a Chreon and Geraskier fan as well. I have a small discord group and I appreciate for you to join if you can. It will be lovely to have more friends. DISCORD GROUP

#fundraising #surgery #chemotherapy #womens health #road to recovery #artwork

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look-a-polar-bear · 2 months

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covilhã, portugal. february 2024

i'm drowning in work and currently vv sick, but i'm fine, making some nice stuff and taking some nice photos. what else can a girl ask for?

really, it's not been easy, but as long as i can keep going doing the things i love and being with people i love, i'll be okay at the end of the day.

because sometimes happiness is just sitting at your desk with a cup of tea and a cat on your lap.

#photographers on tumblr #digital camera #photography #digital archive #city photography #portugal #i have lots of feelings #and even more work to do #but ill be okay #road to recovery #its a bitch to do

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moniclimbs · 9 months

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Look who’s back on the wall! So far, so good too. I’ve had three successful full climbing sessions where I’ve tried climbs harder than V3s to challenge myself more and evaluate the state of my wrist. So far slopers/slopey holds, mantles, and the occasional downward pulling crimp still hurt my wrist, so I just need to be smart. This climb surprisingly didn’t hurt it because the side pulls were crimpy and didn’t tug on my wrist and the big moves up had a lip and weren’t completely slopey.

I’ve been doing more rehab and also weighted pull ups to get my strength back. My endurance will take some time to come back, but I’m just happy to climb and try harder. This injury made me realize that climbing isn’t as fun for me when there’s no challenge present. I actually enjoy trying hard 😲

#moniclimbs #climbing #rock climbing #bouldering #progress #me #road to recovery #training #workout #injury #wrist #tfcc #getting back into it

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ruminate88 · 2 months

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How Toxic Relationships Affect You In A New Healthy Relationship:

so technically, I was in three toxic relationships… The first guy Jake, tried to force a relationship with me, but I was not attracted to him at all. I liked his personality at the beginning of meeting him but eventually I realized he was very controlling and intimidating towards me. he made me fear him, and I started trying to get away from him, but he kept coming back nicely almost as if he was a great friend that truly cared about me. Off and on for years, I struggled to delete him out of my life because I would tell myself what if he really does care about me and he could be a great friend I don’t want to mistreat him and hurt him. 😓🥺 (I lied to myself and gave him power to keep intimidating me)

my second relationship was with a guy named Cody. It was short with him, but it was super intense and overwhelming. I had knots in my stomach. I was sick to my stomach, but I thought he was so special. I held him so close to my heart and let him in to the deepest parts of me. I shared a lot of deep deep conversations with him , unfortunately he ghosted me and that was traumatizing and that created a lot of trust issues for me. 😭

my third toxic relationship was with a guy named Andrew! I was with Andrew for over a year and I believed I was falling in love with him so hardcore. I was planning a future with him; naming our kids, thinking about vacations with him, thinking about where we would live and how we would wake up every morning together… I was completely obsessed with Andrew in an unhealthy way. I saved ALL of his pictures he would send me on Snapchat and stared at them when he was away from me 24/7, I couldn’t function. I couldn’t focus on anything. I was totally swept up by him and it was just not good for me. 😥💔 It was not normal. It was not love. It was lust and it was obsessive. No other way to explain things with Andrew, but just obsessiveness and toxicity . …..

In these toxic relationships, you tend to focus on the highs and you block out the lows. There were moments with each of these guys where they made me, fearful, unstable, suicidal, and depressed; I hated myself and I felt worthless. It was very one-sided with all three of them. All they wanted was sex!!! The time that I spent with Andrew was always surrounding the talk of sex, and how he wanted to do certain things with me when we were together. Truly they use sex as a manipulative tool to keep you from walking away…… You feel so intimately close with them 😳😳😳 I felt like Andrew and I couldn’t be any closer than we were because of all the “intimacy” and just the way he would talk sooo sexual towards me all the time. Consistently sending me nude pictures of himself , and so I obsessively worshiped his body in a very, very unhealthy way. I had told myself the bold lie that Andrew was everything to me, and that there was no other guy’s body that I would ever be with and worship. I consistently bragged to Andrew how I adored his body and adored using him. That’s not love or respect. There were no boundaries with Andrew… He took advantage of how obsessed I was and treated me like dirt on the bottom of his shoe 😭😭😭😭

now that I’m in a very healthy and stable relationship, I have a new family in my life that treats me like gold! Yet there’s all these fears, and often times I have terrible dreams of my new healthy man treating me the way that my exes did... as much as I push myself to be a part of this new family, to trust my new man, to feel safe and to feel loved; I cannot express to these new people in my life what my fears are because I’m not sure they’re ready to understand me. There is a current situation happening in this new family of mine that has consistently triggered me and triggered these dreams. At first, I did not realize I was being triggered. I was fearful that my new man was going to be as toxic as my exes. He keeps proving me wrong but my guard keeps going up 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I have learned that you have to sort out and untangle the webs of lies from the past. You have to process the past: the good AND the bad! Often times I’ve been caught up focusing on the past good, the past highs and feeling nostalgic… feeling like did I lose Andrew. Did I lose the love of my life? but as I remember the VERY bad times, I remind myself that there is no way he could ever be the love of my life because he treated me so poorly… My new man treats me like gold and some reason there is times I just can’t see it! when I have these dreams that my new man is treating me like my old man did, it causes me to put a guard up. It causes me to get in my emotional head to overthink, to worry and to pull back. I hate pulling back!! I want to embrace my new man! I want to enjoy him fully!! I want to appreciate him and show him how much I think he’s wonderful.♥️🥺 I’ve never had a guy treat me so good the way my new man does, but if he could only understand my fears. 😥 Unfortunately, my new man has never even had a relationship before me. He has no one to compare me to…… He’s never seen the people I’ve seen and dealt with. My new man has mostly been surrounded by decent people. He has great parent and a great brother that is good to him, so, he sees a lot of good and well he has experienced some evil at work but not in relationships like I have……

I hate saying that my exes are evil but I don’t know how they could treat me the way they did and think it’s OK I’m never going to get closure or apologies from my exes. I’ve had to just accept the unanswered questions. I’ve had to accept the confusion and the frustration. I’ve had to accept that my ex Andrew was fake, and that the person he showed me when we first met, doesn’t even exist! 😳😥😭💔 And that hurts me SO MUCH because I thought I was falling so very much in love with him, and I would’ve traveled across the stars in the sky to get to him , but he would never cross the street for me. And yes, that hurts my feelings but also I finally understand that he’s just not a good guy for me and I do want better for him. I would hope that he would change one day. I don’t know if he has changed or would ever change but I just don’t know anything truly about him. I don’t know if he even knows himself…

My biggest advice to anyone that has been through emotional abuse, you WILL experience cognitive dissonance and that’s okay because it is very real! Your brain is conflicted and confused about what you have seen and dealt with. You saw this amazing person and then when you break up with them, they were a different person that scared you. It’s almost as if they enjoyed inflicting pain on you and that’s very hurtful and scary. You have to forgive them and you have to let them go! I held onto my ex Andrew in the back of my head for so long because I just couldn’t figure him out or figure out his intentions with me. I was trying to make sense of everything, and my brain just would not accept all the pieces that were coming together for me!! my brain wanted to believe there was some good in him and some part of him that was real with me, but the more I think about it all, I realize there was nothing real with him. There was never love with him. It was always false promises and it was just lust. It was always all about sex for him and enjoying inflicting pain on me…… And that’s not what I want for myself. I want to have a happy and peaceful life!

You can get over that toxic ex of yours, and you can have a better and peaceful life. You will have situations arise in your current life that will trigger you and cause you to reminisce and even flashback to the feelings of the past. You’ll have moments of fear and doubt. You’ll have moments of distrust. You’ll also have moments of clarification and revelations. I advise all of you to google and watch videos on YouTube and TikTok about emotional abuse! But what these videos won’t tell you is you absolutely HAVE to forgive that person and you HAVE to remove yourself from them if you want sanity and peace. There is no exceptions because this person will only hurt you over and over and over… the abuse will never stop until they can even understand who they are, and until they receive help and can change, their habits, they’ll always be abusive and manipulative. I believe some of them are very in the dark of who they are and what they do. They must think that what they do is normal and they don’t understand how much they hurt you truthfully but then I believe there is some of them that are actually fully aware that they hurt you and it almost excites them and that’s not what you want for yourself 😰 and you don’t want to hurt them back either because you’re better than that!!!! YOU have to accept you’re not going to get apologies from them and I would not recommend you write them a letter and send it to them. I would recommend you write a letter letter to them for your own self and either save it for your own self to read over or post it on your social media to inspire others, but do not tag that toxic ex because there is just no reason to reach out to them or contact them ever again. It’s for your own good 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 you can believe me or not. I am coming from a place of understanding, compassion, and realization. I am also coming from a place of deep pain that God has been dealing with and healing me for years. I have come farther than anyone even knows , and I just want to share my story and I want to share my honest, brutal opinions with you all because I know how you feel ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 you’re not crazy! You’re not a bad person! If you feel angry towards that ex, if you write a hate letter towards them, I get it… but hate is not healthy for you!! you have to love them but from a distance!! YOU have to have compassion for them because you know that they are struggling inside and it’s something that you will NEVER understand and they too will never understand you.🥺❤️‍🩹 They will never understand the pain they’ve caused you unless God changes their heart and point of view. It’s just that simple. 😥😭❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

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