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queenie-blackthorn · 7 months

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in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

#mental health day #world mental health day #october 10 #tw sewerslide attempt #tw mentions of death #tw mentions of self harm #tw self destructive behavior #road to recovery

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snowe-zolynn-rogers · 2 months

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Pairings: None

Words Count: 2,732 Words

Summary: Eclipse asks Solar for help getting rid of the directives, leading to a three-man entry to Eclipse's mind.

Warnings: Cursing, Past Suicide Attempt (implied/referenced), Death (mentioned only), Near Death Experience, Caps, Screaming, Magic? (more like...well kinda like mental power? of your own mind?), Bonding, let me know if I should add anything else.

Wide Awake

“I’m giving you once chance.” Solar agreed. Eclipse gave a sigh of relief as his shoulders sagged a bit, no longer so incredibly stressed. “I won’t do this alone, though. So you better get acquainted with Ruin because you said you don’t trust Sun and Moon to take this seriously.” Solar warned.

“Anything, I don’t care. Just…Fix me.” Eclipse sighed.

“Sure. Follow me, this might take a while, so we’ll need somewhere private where we won’t be interrupted.” Solar grabbed Eclipse’s ribbons on his left wrist and brought him to a bunker, where Ruin was waiting.

“Oh, hello! Ready to assist in any way!” Ruin waved at the two of them excitedly.

“Time to remove some directives.” Solar told them, plugging the three of them into the one computer so they’d all be connected, three Eclipses fixing one Eclipse. It was a bit amusing, actually. Solar did some typing and then some more before hitting enter. “This should put us three in there, just let it pull you in.” Solar told them.

Soon, Eclipse was out first, head lolling back on the chair’s headrest and Solar then Ruin followed closely behind him, Ruin slumping forward onto the desk and Solar’s head resting forward and body leaned back in the chair Solar was in.

Eclipse swirled and felt dizzy for a minute as he seemed to wake up in a garden. A garden? Why a garden? Why was a garden in his head? Why was there a…giant…maze…?

In front of where Eclipse was laying on the ground was a maze, spindling and twisting and confusing. It looked dark in places and light in others as he stood up to try to peek above it to see where he was supposed to go. But there wasn’t a clear way to tell where he was supposed to go and it was also taller than he could jump up to see.

Eclipse kept his right hand on the wall as he slowly stepped inside the maze, cautious as he tried to find a path on the ground. There wasn’t a single direction that made sense, this place was complicated as hell. Why was his mind so fucking complicated!?

Eclipse felt his stomach throb with a sudden hunger pain. He was hungry? In his own head? What was this place and why was he smelling something sweet and really wanting it? Eclipse looked up at the dead end and found that the hedge that made up the dead end had cherries on it.

Did cherries grow on hedges? Eclipse didn’t know, but he was hungry for some god-forsaken reason. So he plucked one off and popped it into his mouth, spitting out the seed onto the ground as he swallowed the fruit's flesh.

Eclipse got knocked to the ground as the maze seemingly changed around him and the ground he was on shook a bit. Eclipse immediately let go of the stone wall and screamed at the sudden change of the darkness around him rather than the light, like the maze had gone into night but only where he was.

Eclipse backed up and ran the other direction, the darkness fading into dim light before he slammed right into something he couldn’t see, panting with slight panic at the weird ass maze changing around him. Hitting into the invisible thing has sprawled him on the floor, which looked like a mirror actually.

Eclipse slowly got up and put his hands to the mirror, looking at the reflection of the last Eclipse and Original looking back at him. Both of them, both designs, the golden Original and the red and orange backup. Both were laughing at him, which was unnerving to say the least that the reflections of his past could laugh at him.

Eclipse shoved his hand through the mirror-

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Solar groaned feeling the earth? Yes, earth, shake under him and a scream that woke him up. A maze? Of course Eclipse has a maze. His mind was a twisting labyrinth of answers and questions just like Eclipse currently was.

Solar kept his hand on the wall, making sure he was keeping track of the same side of the maze at all times. He could hear giggling ahead of him that sounding sort of like Eclipse, sort of but also…not. He kept going towards it and found a smaller orange bot that looked like Eclipse, giggling and playing in the maze and skipping around.

“What are you doing here, bud? Why are you tiny?” Solar asked. Maybe Eclipse had been made a kid by the maze?

“Don’t listen to the cherries, they're lies.” The kid simply told him before going off further into the maze.

Solar elected to follow the kid, despite how weird he was. Solar hit into a split in the maze, a four-way intersection. He listened for the giggles and followed them down the right-side path, finding the kid Eclipse prancing down through what looked like fog.

Solar headed into the same fog, seeing a swirl of memories all from a different person’s perspective, watching them intently. Did Eclipse truly have any memories of his own? These were all of the backup’s memories from other people’s perspectives.

Solar followed the giggling from the fog and then down a left into a darker fog that whispered what seemed to be Eclipse’s own memories from his activation in the daycare on. Solar knew about most of these memories, he’d been there for some of them.

“Maybe it would be better.” Eclipse’s voice swirled around him in a memory as a visual to his right appeared with Eclipse holding the wires on the back of his head, about to shut himself down. “I…I can’t do it…”

Eclipse’s voice sounded so defeated in the memory, so shockingly terrified and in tears. The memory was from when Eclipse was on the loose, before they’d went looking for him fully. Eclipse had tried to shut himself down? The memory slipped into whispers until another horrible memory inevitably swirled louder as Solar walked through the maze, keeping his hand on the wall and listening for giggles from the kid Eclipse.

“I don’t deserve help. But I need it. I can’t do this myself or I’ll just die. What if the Creator was lying? He wasn’t. He wouldn’t, he doesn’t care enough to. I have to just call him.” Eclipse’s voice swirled and the visual was a muted phone call to Moon. When Eclipse had first asked them for help.

Solar was soon out of the swirling voices and following the kid again through this twisted maze. These memories hit a bit harder for Solar to see. It proved this Eclipse was different. And, for these memories to have been shown to him and him alone, perhaps this kid he was following was Eclipse’s conscience.

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Ruin sneezed himself awake at the smell of cherries, his only allergy he’d never bothered to fix. This place was riddled with the scent. He looked up at the maze and found it was laden with the fruit. He kept his hands close and made sure to hold his nose going through, wandering through the maze to find Solar and Eclipse. They had agreed to meet as fast as possible after all.

Ruin saw shadows passing through the maze around him. It was like every time he came to a four-way, which was frequent apparently, two shadows were passing through the ways he wasn’t going. It looked vaguely like the Original and Backup versions of Eclipse.

Ruin came to a dead end with a wooden door and slowly opened the creaky wooden door from its squeaky hinges, wincing as it was probably the loudest damn thing in the maze. He looked through it, seeing a small alcove of a meadow with a reflection of all three of this world’s Eclipses there but all of them looked just a bit off. The original with one different colored eye, the backup with one ray miscolored, and the new with half his faceplate silver rather than orange.

Ruin slowly stepped through it, sudden sound hitting him as he passed through the veil on the door. The three were arguing apparently, seemingly unable to figure out who was who. Ruin could vaguely tell that this was Eclipse’s struggle with who he was. All three constantly at war and never coming to an agreement. Just like how Eclipse was currently battling with who he actually was.

Ruin saw them disappear but the voices stayed there as he went toward a door on the other side of the meadow, passing through it as the voices got left behind him and a ball of light instead appeared before him like a fairy, swooping around and jingling. The fairy swooped down and went around a corner, Ruin following it closely to keep up with it.

Ruin followed it right into a part of the maze that was long hedges of cherries on both sides that were hitting into him but he didn’t care for the feeling of the slight ‘rash’ on his casing from the allergen as he followed the fairy through the maze. This must be Eclipse’s common sense and he determined to follow it. THe fact that it went so fact was absolutely telling that this was indeed Eclipse’s common sense. Eclipse thought faster than a roadrunner, quick as a whip he was with his thoughts.

Ruin saw the fairy run right into glass wall, slipping right through and Ruin did the same as he followed it in, seeing a shattered and scattered mirror of Eclipse inside, a kaleidoscope of reflections. The fairy got slower, guiding Ruin much slower, almost as if it was finding its own bearings with all the reflections too.

The fairy finally came into a sort of clearing where he could see Eclipse. Actual Eclipse this time and the fairy buzzed around Eclipse, showing Ruin that this was the real one. Eclipse was standing in front of two mirrors with Original and Backup in them, both laughing at him as Eclipse tried to reason with them with no luck.

“Eclipse.” Ruin spoke up to catch his attention and Eclipse turned to him but not before the mirrors tilted and Eclipse’s common sense chimed and buzzed around Ruin, pushing him forward as Eclipse yelped and was swallowed into a third mirror next to the reflections of Eclipse’s past selves. Ruin ran forward down the sudden decline of the mirrors as the one Eclipse had been basically dragged into turned back like it was some kind of abyss.

“RUIN!” Eclipse screamed, held to the sides of the mirror, trying to keep himself up by the top of the mirror. Ruin reached through and grabbed Eclipse’s arms, his feet on the sides of that were stable and not apparently swallowing people to pull Eclipse up like Eclipse was falling into an abyss. The two fell onto the ground in a sprawl of limbs and the fairy jingled and chirped around them, trying to get them up to run.

Both scrambled up to their feet and kept hold onto each other as they stumbled and ran after the fairy leading them out of the glass wall again, both collapsing and panting with exertion from running and panic. Eclipse leaned against Ruin to make sure he was real, hand keeping a deep grip on Ruin’s arm, and Ruin patted his back softly, taking their time to breathe.

Ruin saw the fairy buzz in the path in front of them, leading them. Ruin helped Eclipse up and held a grip on him, unwilling to lose him as he followed the fairy. The fairy took them down winding pathways and dark corners as they made their way toward a white mist, which seemed to fix Ruin’s allergic reaction and make the itching stop on his arms.

Ruin sighed with relief that his casing wasn’t itchy anymore with ‘rash’. Eclipse held tight to his hand and Ruin wordlessly squeezed back, assuring him that he was there. Eclipse was quiet, probably startled with what had happened to say the least. Ruin wouldn’t make him talk about it. This was Eclipse’s private problems, he wasn’t privy to that information unless Eclipse wanted to tell him.

The fairy went into a darker pathway, leading them through the maze in what seemed to be the right direction as Ruin could see glow up ahead. Eclipse’s grip got tighter and he pressed against Ruin’s side as they walked and Ruin held his arm around him, keeping him close and feeling a bit safer. Eclipse seemed frightened and Ruin didn’t want that so close to the finish line.

Eclipse gripped his hands around Ruin’s body, shuddering. The mortal terror that abyss had given him was quite a scare, not to mention he already had a mild fear of the dark. He didn’t like this damn dark maze! He wanted to just wake up, but that wouldn’t fix the directives. So he sucked it up and kept walking with Ruin, following the fairy through the maze to a glowing entrance, into a clearing full of cherries and bushes, basically a skyscraper of cherries.

Ruin smiled seeing Solar come through a different path to the center. This was the center of Eclipse’s mind, and it seemed the cherries were the directives. No wonder they were everywhere.

“Ruin. Eclipse. I’m glad you two made it. Thought I might make it here alone with how complicated this place is.” Solar told them, coming over and helping them into the clearing.

“How do we get rid of this?” Ruin asked.

“I would say rip them out, but that may hurt you because it’s violent.” Solar told him.

The child Eclipse ran from the clearing Solar had come in through and the fairy from Ruin’s side of the maze both went straight at Eclipse himself. The kid and fairy seemed to meld into Eclipse, leaving Eclipse with a slightly ethereal glow as Eclipse held his head, going to his knees and curling up.

“Eclipse!” Solar held his shoulder to check on him.

“Are you okay!?” Ruin panicked, holding one of Eclipse’s arms.

Eclipse’s eyes were beaming white as his hands gripped the ground, claws digging into the earth his mind had, white cracks appearing from where Eclipse’s hands were like lightning striking the ground. The white cracks spread right for the cherry bushes and practically melted them into the ground, the cracks continuing through the paths of the maze, seeming to go after all the cherries, all the directives.

Like a light switch had been flicked, the maze’s walls started to disappear into the ground one by one, seeming to become an open meadow as the complexity melted away and the cherries disappeared, clearing. The directives had been done away with. Eclipse fell to the side on his side, groaning as his eyes faded back to their normal black, slow pushing himself up from the ground.

“What happened?” Eclipse asked.

“You cleared the directives.” Solar told him, helping him sit up and Ruin assisting on Eclipse’s other side.

“I did it?” Eclipse asked.

“You did it.” Ruin assured him.

“I get to leave?” Eclipse asked.

“We all get to leave.” Solar looked up at the door a bit of a distance away. “I think that’s your exit.” Solar told him, ushering Eclipse up to his feet. Eclipse looked at the door as it opened itself to a swirling white and he gave a small smile seeing it before taking off toward it in a run, happily melting into the swirling white as the door closed behind him and the warmth of consciousness slowly returned to him.

Eclipse gasped awake and sat up straight, panting like a nightmare had been had. Next to him Ruin and Solar roused and Solar groaned softly as he came back to himself, Ruin blowing a sigh from his fans as he came back online first. Solar picked his head up and Ruin looked over with a smile at Eclipse, patting his hand as Solar disconnected himself then Eclipse and Ruin from the computer.

“I’m proud of you.” Solar told him. Eclipse felt warm at that, a smile blooming on his face as his chest welled with warmth that wasn’t dulled with a cold feeling behind it from the directives for the first time.

“Thank you. Both of you.” Eclipse told them both.

#sun and moon show #sams #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #fnaf solar #fnaf eclipse #fnaf ruin #snoweywrites #tw cursing #tw past sewerslide attempt mention #tw death mention #tw near death mention #tw caps #tw screaming mention #late night writing post #because i'm proud of this #suck it this took 5 hours and it's equivalent to 2.5 chapters my 2 hour per chapter thing IS a guideline

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