#this sort of thing happens regularly and gives me trust issues

[prebioticsoupconnesseuir]

#Fluffy products fresh off the lyophilizer lie to my face all the time #I had to take product out of about 30 50 mL conicals for this little too #this sort of thing happens regularly and gives me trust issues #science #chemistry #organic chemistry #graduate school #graduate student #chemistry memes #organic chemistry memes #science memes

[cult-of-the-eye]

Me coming to your inbox to ask about your horror comics like

FUCK YEAH!!!

ok pov you see me, in need of some good sustenance during the tmagp hiatus, in a unbecoming fit of nostalgia, i redownload webtoon.

webtoon reminds me of the days when things were simpler, when i didn't know what arc sin was let alone the fact that i would have to be able to draw it one day. but i've changed since then, the cutesy romances i was super into don't interest me as much anymore so what do i do? i start in the horror/thriller section.

ok so there are 3 that have gripped my brain and refuse to let go

(major spoilers obvs, tw for mentions of rape, sexual assault, violence, mental health issues, mental hospitals)

Silent Screams:

oh my GOD

this was nothing like i thought this would be

like the description thingy was giving finding a way out of being kidnapped vibes

but in reality it was SO MUCH DEEPER THAN THAT

i didn't realise it would be set in like the 19th century, so that was another cool thing as well

basically there's this guy named theo

he has really bad anger issues and he's super attached to his mum (✨mommy issues✨)

we find out that his mum got raped when she was 14 and had theo as a result, so they spent most of their lives struggling to get by

on top of that, the mum has some kind of chronic illness

theo is insanely protective of his mum and suspicious of men, he regularly gets into fights, especially with his mum's best friend who he doesn't trust

then his mum meets and falls in love with a doctor, who seems to be quite sweet, little bit nervous, like his feelings for her are genuine

but it's clear that my bro has other stuff going on, he's got an assistant guy who keeps reminding him to "stay on task" etc etc

(it feels very manipulative, like the line between master and assistant has been blurred, the doctor thinks he's in charge and calling the shots but the assistant is subtly manipulating him to do what he wants while letting the doctor think he is still in charge)

but yeah, they get married and theo and his mum is shipped off to a wonderful new wealthy lifestyle

but theo hates this guy, he knows that he's making his mum happy for now but he just doesn't trust it, especially the fact that he's also the mum's doctor, he already has a lot of power over her

also the doctor makes it clear that theo's attitude must be improved, to fit into their new high society life

so we open with the day before theo's 19th birthday

he's scared away yet another tutor due to his bad attitude (even though he technically is getting high marks)

and his step dad (who he is forced to call father) is not happy with him

it's clear from the get go that the doctor HATES theo, this is very much not a good relationship and theo hates the doctor as well

the doctor thinks theo's attitude is hurting the mum, theo thinks the doctor is putting too much pressure on him and is causing a rift between him and his mum (again, mommy issues)

anyway, the doctor tells theo that the mum had gone to town for a day, which theo finds highly suspicious cause like 1. she's ill how would she do that by herself and 2. she wouldn't leave the day before theo's birthday

the next day, the mum still hasn't returned, theo is obviously devastated

the maid attempts to cheer him up, which sort of works before she goes to the doctor's study to clean

what does she find in the doctor's study? a secret passage way.

what happens to her directly after she finds said secret passage way? she is hit over the head with a lamp and killed

theo comes running to find the maid dead and also (say it with me folks) gets hit over the head with a lamp

but not killed

he wakes up chained to like a prison cell in the basement

he is not doing well

but at least he was right! the doctor was evil!

so theo finds out that his mum is dead and the doctor has something to do with that death

but also that the doctor blames theo for the mum's death

(we find out later that the doctor accidentally gives the mum the wrong dose of medicine, so she passes out and hits her head, bleeding to death. the assistant encourages him to blame theo cause theo and the doctor had had an argument beforehand, which must've caused him to be distracted right)

then, theo wakes up to find his vocal chords have been cut - he cannot scream or make any noise

he is terrified, but he realises that the doctor sort of does have some weird freudian attachment to him because theo looks so much like the mum

so every night he whistles the tune that his mum used to play and the doctor sits in front of the cage and listens

one day he goes to wake up theo but can't so he panics and does what?

kisses him

HUH??? i hear you say. WHAT? and i agree

he then nearly sexually assaults him, until he flashes back to his own dad sexually assaulting him and is like OH WHAT THE FUCK WAS I ABOUT TO DO

(freud would have a FIELD DAY)

and then the assistant is like bro what about our work stop being weird about ur stepson

and then he's like oh yeah

so he sedates theo and then gives him a lobotomy

however, theo wakes up midway through the surgery, so it doesn't work

it turns out they wanted to make a human puppet that they could experiment on for medical reasons

as it happens, theo is normal for some of the time, but other times turns into a mindless puppet

the doctor is very annoyed and goes back to blaming him for the mum's death

and thus, ships him off to a mental hospital.

and that's where i got up to so far

#do you get it #do you see why i am brainrotting over it #it is so twisted and messed up #but in such an addictive way #i just #AHHHH #i'll tell you about the rest in a different post cause this was way longer than i thought it would be #hehe #thanks for asking <3333 #love u forever #answered asks #horror comics

[endogenichaven]

Hello! I have begun to suspect I'm a system. Mostly, because of that feeling of just being a different person, or temporarily/partially a fictional character. I suspect it's more of a "median" thing, if I'm not misusing the term, although occasionally there are minor instances where I might be experiencing amnesia, like there might be someone regularly giving homeless people much bigger bills than I originally intend to give out, and I'm way too fastidious to be making this mistake this often. However, I admit I am quite frightened. I feel like I'm trapping someone else in my shitty life and ill body, with even less autonomy I already lack. I also can't help but be at a loss of what kind of things I would talk to these people about, and have trouble thinking of what kind of value I would bring to them as a companion. Some of the people I think might be here, are pretty impressive fascinating individuals. I am someone who has nothing going on. I'm scared of puppeting them or abusing them, already exerting terrible control without even knowing it, if there really is a whole person rattling around in there. I am also admittedly scared of losing control. The idea of someone possessing my body and ruining my life is extremely scary to me. Of there being someone who I can't leave or escape at all. I'm an extremely private person, who values my independence, and is slow to trust. And lastly, I guess I'm scared they'll hate me. I have a long history of being disliked and mistreated, and I don't know if I could bear it if it came from someone apart of my very own mind. I don't know. Thanks for listening. Any advice, I guess?

It's okay to be scared! Many systems are when they first approach the idea that they may be one themselves. Try to take the idea slowly, and as it comes. We suggest managing each new situation involving your system as it arises, and not stressing too much about the details for now.

Generally, from what we've seen from tulpas (an example of a headmate with less autonomy in the beginning) they're usually just happy to exist with their host no matter the circumstances, and resentment usually only forms if the host is abusive, or there was trauma beforehand that led to that headmate. They don't usually feel trapped or upset at existing, assuming their host treats them well. Regardless of whether your headmates are tulpas or not, this might hold true for you too.

You could talk to them about anything, really. As you're going about your day you might think to yourself about various things, and if they overhear they might be able to add their input. Conversations don't always have to be about big things, they can be about the ordinary as well. If they're impressive people, then it might be nice for them to talk to someone who isn't impressive in the same ways they are - so you wouldn't be boring to them, you might actually be interesting in your own right. And even if you did have nothing going on, some interesting people might be tired of talking to others like them all the time, and find this to be charming. (Think of it how some learned people are delighted to talk to someone who knows nothing of their profession, to tell them about it for the first time.)

The best way to avoid accidentally puppeting them or abusing them is to listen to them when they say they said (or didn't say) something, and respect their consent (or lack of it) in situations that involve it. Accidental puppetting can happen, but it's often a result of the mind being finicky and/or intrusive thoughts, and talking to the headmate usually rectifies the issue. AFAIK it doesn't hurt a headmate to be accidentally puppetted, and most are forgiving when it does occur.

While losing control can be scary, it's not usually something that happens without a reason. Many (but not all) endogenic headmates need some sort of permission to control a body, and even in the case of traumagenic systems usually they won't take over and ruin your life just like that. Trauma can be a factor with a headmate that does take control and refuses to give it up, or otherwise does not appear to compromise with the other sharing their body, but even that can be mitigated by just being nice to them, respecting them, and if possible seeking out therapy for the more traumatized headmates (if they exist). When someone does lose control suddenly, it's more likely to be a result of trauma or triggers, and the headmate taking action to do what they feel is best for the system.

To a certain degree you'll still have privacy inside your own mind, depending on how your system functions. You mentioned minor instances of amnesia, and that in itself might provide you some privacy, but for some systems there are ways to obtain at least partial privacy - we've heard of systems that can choose how much they want to know about the other headmates or prevent unwanted information sharing, and others who strengthened certain mental barriers over time for their own comfort. Headmates may not always be awake and active (many "sleep") and during these times you may find your mind silent, or have the place to yourself temporarily. It is possible to get some level of privacy as a system, even if it may never be the same as a singlet might have.

If there's no trauma or abuse behind them, it's unlikely they'll hate you, especially for no reason. Even in traumagenic systems, there are often many system members who do get along, or can at least work together for each other's benefit. And if they do happen to hate you, it is often possible to rectify any issues by discussing them (why do they feel this way? Is there anything that can be done? What are their needs?), and figuring out solutions together.

Discovering you're a system can be a huge change, and it's alright to be scared. There are ways to mitigate any potential issues that come up, and enjoy being together. Sorry this took a while to answer, but hopefully this helps ease the fears!

#endogenichaven #positivelyplural #asks #plural community #plurality #pro endo

[skye-huntress]

The Witch from Mercury Reaction

Episode 11: “The Witches from Earth”

I was a little wired during this episode so I made not time to stop and take notes. So now I’m going to try to remember everything bit by bit and it’s not going to be in any particular order

First, from now on the Jeturk son’s name is Bob. I accept no criticism

Speaking of Bob, it is safe to say he is the official punching bag of the show. We could compile a lengthy list of the number of times he has been owned and we’re not even halfway through the show

There was a lot of talk since the last episode about how the big miscommunication came about, and someone mentioned something I hadn’t consider. Suletta evaluates her own worth to how useful she can be to other people. When you give her a job you say no one else can do but her, that makes her feel happy and valued. Take that away from her, make her feel like she’s replaceable and she loses all confidence in herself and feels a constant need to prove her worth. The worst part, the more nervous she is, the more prone she is to make a mistake, which in turn further fuels her anxiety in a vicious cycle.

So all of Earth House and even their animals (and Belmeria) are along for the ride. Now that I have a chance to think about it, that’s actually extremely worrying. I’m not worried for Suletta or Miorine losing their lives, but the rest of Earth House is a long list of expendable characters.

I’m still very disappointed in Nika, but at least she has a bit more awareness with what is going on with Suletta, and the likely cause of it

In a surprising twist, Prospera chooses now to act like a decent mother to Suletta.

I have to wonder, both Miorine and Suletta have used the toilet to hide from people. Either it’s something they just happen to have in common, or maybe Suletta picked up a bad habit from her bride. The thought is both sweet and unsettling at the same time. And hey, Miorine did find her there on her own.

I enjoyed the chase, even though both our girls were having a hard time. I sort of feel like I should be disturbed by Miorine using such an underhanded tactic, however I can’t help but respect that it was both clever (she had me fooled) and, unfortunately, very necessary.

Suletta, true to her nature, spent much of her “explanation” rambling incoherently about things Miorine couldn’t understand without the proper context but somewhere along the way she picked up the general message. Miorine herself is not much better with all her contradicting statements, like how she wanted to run away from father, and now can’t and has to face him regularly and that’s the fault of thanks to Suletta. I’m glad they got some of their issues sorted out and now have a clearer idea of how the other feels about them, just in time for them to fall victim to a terrorist attack

The mystery of Prospera’s schemes deepens. She straight up uses her true name in front of Delling and appears to be using data from Aerial to assist in Delling’s super secret project. Prospera is hellbent on revenge according to the short novel, but we do not know what form it will take.

It’s interesting to see the pilot from the prologue make an appearance. He seemed formidable as a pilot, but now I’m not sure what he is supposed to be.

Jeturk continues to play his games. Unfortunately for him, he forgot something very important, you can’t trust a traitor. Anyone willing to help you stab someone else in the back is just as capable of turning the blade on you.

Speaking of traitors, that’s a good shot of Nico realising the consequences of her actions. She is now complicit in terrorism, and if anything happens to any member of Earth House, it will be partly on her head.

So, these witches. Seems one of them, Sophie, has taken a personal interest in Suletta. She seems like the wild card of the bunch so it’s up in the air whether this is better or worse for Suletta.

All that said, since Suletta and Miorine are communicating again, I’m more confident that they will end up working together to get themselves out of this crisis.

The real question is, can Bob break his losing streak?! A thought just occurred to me. If the terrorists are using Jeturk suits, Bob could probably hijack one and pilot it better than most could.

That’s probably not everything but it’s late and I’m at my limit. Another 2 weeks, was it?

Edit: I forgot the damn keychains! Miorine was really like: “this looks lame, cheap and ugly, no one with give this to me but you, which is exactly why it is now my most cherished possession”. That is exactly the reaction I was expecting.

#the witch from mercury #g witch #g witch spoilers

[bondsmagii]

this is random but how do you ask someone “do you hate me” without directly saying “do you hate me” to them or having someone else ask you for them.

I hate confrontation and always assume everyone hates me because of survival-based pessimism I picked up on

man, this is a tough one because... well, to put it bluntly, you shouldn't be asking this at all unless you have real reason, by which I mean you've done something that's hurt the other person and you're worried the relationship might be in trouble over it. if that's the case, then you go to them and say "hey, do you mind if we talk about x? I'd just like to know where we stand."

if this is a paranoia thing, it is unfortunately on you to develop coping mechanisms that don't automatically assume the worst of the people you care about and who care about you (or who have to regularly interact with you). that's a nasty position for you both to be in: you because it's stressful and upsetting, and your friends because it's really not nice to have a friend constantly think you hate them. it's actually pretty hurtful, and when it comes to things like anxiety and paranoia, it is literally constant. there's no way that you and your friends will ever be truly relaxed or happy with this going on uncontrolled.

I think, if you bring this up to your friends, you should definitely come at it from a practical perspective. once you're ready to work on this, you should give them a heads-up, because they care about you and they'll want to help. while you're working on issues like this, it's perfectly OK to ask for occasional reassurance when you really need it, and to talk through the reasons why you feel the way you do. but this is something you have to do while in the process of learning to cope with these issues, otherwise you're going to be in the uncomfortable position of constantly demanding that your friends prove they like you, and that's not fair or practical for any of you.

obviously I don't know you, so I can't give any personalised advice about how to cope with this sort of thing, but I do know a thing or two about survival-based pessimism. for me, at least, it's all about assuming the worst so when it happens, you won't be as hurt by it. experience teaches, and while bad experience teaches quickly, good experiences can eventually re-educate you. you need to trust what you see, and believe what people tell you. look at what they say and do. look at physical evidence that you can see and hear. when you get these unpleasant thoughts, remind yourself that you have no right to decide what they're thinking and feeling. you have to trust the people in your life to tell you if there's an issue, and if they're acting like everything is fine and that they like you (or even if, say, a colleague or classmate is just acting neutrally towards you), you have to believe that they don't hate you. (as a side note, remember that neutrality is not hate.)

likewise, if they're giving off really obvious signs that they don't want to associate with you, you don't have to have a conversation if you don't want to. in such cases, sometimes it's better to just go your seperate ways without fuss. there doesn't always have to be a falling out or a dramatic final discussion. if a situation is unpleasant and there doesn't seem to be anywhere to go at present, sometimes ghosting really is the best option.

#i'm assuming this is a friend of course #if it's somebody on a lower tier of association then just be like 'hey man everything good?' and then repeat the steps: #just believe them if they tell you it's fine #just like it's your responsibility to manage your paranoia #it's other people's responsibility to be honest about issues and not lie when asked #so just take 'yeah it's cool' to mean 'yeah it's cool' lol #anon #asks

[njuum]

I never dreamed of being a professional artist, especially working for/at a studio or something, like a lot of artists seems to dream of. I don’t really enjoy doing commissions except for a very narrow spectrum of stuff, and I don't want to commercialise my personal work by selling merchandising like prints, shirts and whatnot.

Drawing is fun, but doing it for money only makes me not enjoy it. Charging more for commissions doesn't make me enjoy working on them any more, nor it makes me want to work on them them any more. On the contrary, it only gives me more anxiety. I’m only doing this because it’s pretty much my only option when it comes to work, and I have a bare minimum enjoyment doing it, everything else available for me now would be straight up miserable.

When it comes to patreon, I feel like I have to deliver something at least bi-weekly, or I don't deserve my money. I know that’s not true, but, realistically, I do need to deliver stuff more or less regularly or I won’t get new followers on any social media, patreon being the most relevant one because it generates income. And if I don’t get more followers on the other social media, such as, twitter and tumblr, it’s very unlikely I’ll get new followers on patreon. Since late 2019/early 2020, I’ve been only losing income on patreon. There’s always someone new who joins, but it’s often followed by someone who was in a higher tier leaving a short time later. There was a period when someone gave a rather generous pledge, but they changed it back later. And, the problem is that if I don’t produce content which is either extremely appealing or produce a flood of content, or if I don’t have the luck of somehow becoming famous overnight, I won’t get more people/people who donate more following me on patreon.

Then there is, at least for me, another issue with drawing for money, specifically that I don’t trust or believe doing commissions for furries is a stable “market”. Yes, furries have been growing in popularity lately, but, who knows how long that subculture will last? Who knows what unforeseen turns the world might take? That was the case with COVID, which made people lose jobs and income, and was probably a major cause of me losing so many followers on patreon. Similarly, USA’s law system recently overturned a decision that was over 30 years old. Some say they seek to overturn same-sex marriage as well. I can see such things affecting the income of furry artists, since a majority of furries are from the USA, and about half of furries are something LGBT+, so, increased LGBT+ discrimination in the USA could lead to LGBT+ furries losing their jobs, which in turn could lead furry artists to get less commissions, since now those people would have to worry first and foremost about their survival instead of buying furry art. But all of this is a post-hoc rationalisation for decisions I have already made.

I got a suggestion from someone saying that, since I don’t enjoy working on furry commissions, I should focus on things such as commissions for companies. To me that is a non-solution to my problem, just replacing one source of anxiety with another, actually worse one, since that sort of work would put me under a legally-binding contract, often with a time limit to finish my work, and very likely under a non-disclosure agreement, so I would only be able to show my work to, say, my partner who lives with me and my one closest friend.

But, to me, that seems more like a desperate attempt by the person who suggested it to me that I should continue drawing no matter what. When it comes to this problem, asking a friend to listen to me will often be unproductive, because so it happens that most of my friends like my art quite a lot, so they are emotionally attached to in in one way or another, and suddenly having the prospect of not having new art by me hurts their feelings somehow. I was actually quite surprised when both people I talked to about this seemed personally offended by me saying “I don’t like doing furry commissions and I don’t want to do it anymore”, they quickly jumped to the conclusion that I don’t want to draw at all anymore, when, in reality, I didn’t say that. They seem to assume that I want to throw everything out of the window and never touch a pencil or look at a sheet of paper again, when I didn’t say that at all. Both people took this to be a problem that needs solving, that Liz is slightly depressed due to the winter, so they just need to be convinced that things will be alright and on some magical day in the future they’ll get a living wage through their art, that it’s okay to not want to do commissions, that they can work with art in some other way instead. Both people only calmed down when I said I could keep doing commissions but more slowly, and also take a break during the winter.

(To me, that sort of emotionally-loaded reaction about others’ decisions in life feels extremely counterproductive, both to the person who took the decision and to their trust in that friendship. Being offended because a friend doesn’t fulfill one’s expectation of being a professional artist is about the same as a parent being angry at their kid because they didn’t win the football tournament, when the kid just wanted to play for fun, or even maybe for winning, but not winning professionally. Anyway, that’s not the main point of this, so let’s get back on track.)

The next non-solution comes from myself, from seeing artists who do this: exploiting my work commercially from every angle possible, such as by selling pins, prints, shirts, hats, and then it spirals down into absurdity with things such as pillowcases, bags, cups, key-chains, any sort of merchandise and useless trinket possible. I have two main problems with this:

First, I absolutely loathe consumerism and consumerist culture. I don’t buy such crap. I think producing such trinkets, which will be disposed of when the person changes their taste is a waste of our planet’s resources. Not only that, it doesn’t hold together if you try to see it from a larger scale, of people buying merchandise for every single thing they like, to support every single artist they follow and so on. I also think it is a rather stupid notion of capitalist societies that, to express your individuality, you must dress like this or that and have this same haircut as everyone else in your club has and so on. I think viznut/pwp’s demo “progress without progress” summarizes this very well. I don’t want to say what others should do and think, but I’m not going to take part in consumerism culture myself. I’d rather wear folk, no-brand and local-made clothes, even if I look tacky, than wear anything because of its brand. And if I do wear that, it’s more because it fits my personal taste and philosophy than due to it being in fashion.

Second, I can’t just take something I put my heart into, sometimes literal tears into, and slap a price tag onto it. That feels vile. I can’t understand how others do it, often seemingly with very little effort. I can’t just take those characters which are a piece of myself, draw them doing a cute face and order a company at the other side of the planet to mass-produce a bunch of disposable garbage with my drawing stamped on it. To me that is pretty much selling a part of myself, selling my soul. It hurts to even think of doing that. Being paid for unique commissions? Sure. Being paid in a donation-like system, such as patreon, for previews of sketches and so on? Sure. Letting others print out my work, for free, if it means something to them? Sure. Working on a collab art book that will be printed out? Sure. Mass-producing copies of my work as a fashionable thing just because uncle capitalism wants to? No, thanks, I’ll pass.

Well, with all of that out of the way, let’s talk about what I want to do. I've wanted to study linguistics since I was 18 or so; I wanted to learn more about Old English when I was 16, and I actually remember wanting to learn Latin when I was a kid. I love understand how language works, and I never get tired of coming back to those same topics over and over. Sometimes I learn a new little thing and I’m amazed by it, even if it’s just a little drop in the ocean of what language is. Heck, one of the main things I care about on my worldbuilding is language. My characters only have a culture and a world of themselves because I needed that to make their language feel more realistic.

I want to study linguistics even if it’s just out of curiosity, even if I get to the end of my course and go, “well, I liked being an artist more than being an academic”. Not to mean that it is mutually exclusive with being an artist, I don’t think it is, at least on a rational level (sometimes I’m afraid academic life would sap all of my free time, but rationally that doesn’t make much sense). Actually, I would die of sadness if I wasn’t allowed to draw, or if I couldn’t draw any more. But I want to work on my personal things because I love them, not because I’m desperate for money, because I need to survive. It’s pretty sad that the world works like that, although complaining about it is not going to change things right here and right now.

Also, unlike many people seem to want nowadays, I don’t want to make loads of money, get rich and then retire early and then spend my time leisurely. All I want to do is work with things I find interesting, until the day I die. If I can’t work with the things I like, I can’t get much enjoyment out of life and it wouldn’t be too different from not living. So, I don’t care at all about making any money from my art, I don’t care about “hitting big”, I don’t care that academic linguistics is not a “profitable” field either. I don’t even care about being popular or “successful”, whatever that word means. I just want to have fun working. If I could live at a place I like, near a lake and go for a swim every once in a while, my life would be perfect. (Maybe I would even enjoy working on commissions if it was more of a side thing, because I do enjoy seeing others being happy from having a personal version of my work. I only hate doing it so much because of the pressure of living up to a standard and needing to “deserve” that money which I was give for my work, because if I fail to do it, I’ll fail to survive.)

Anyway, there isn’t much I can do regarding any of those things right now. Despite having public education, my country has a very conservative/traditionalist approach towards it, which I find rather stupid. If I wanted to get into a public university or get a discount at a private university, I’d have to take either one of two, or both tests; one which is local to each university, and another one which is at a national level and lets you go into any university and get a discount at private ones, as long as you get a good grade. These tests are taken around October-November, over the course of two separate weekends, lasting about five hours each, and cover every singe subject one studies at middle and high-school. Taking both tests gives you a better chance, but you can only sign up for the national one between February and early May, and it is only valid for the next year, which means that if I wanted to go to university now, I’d have to wait for the next year to sign up for the test, only to enroll in university in February/2024. The other, per-university test is held for every semester on many universities, but it does not give you a discount at private universities.

My city doesn’t have a public university, so my only option would be to take the national-level test and get a good grade at it so I could get a discount, otherwise I would have to pay about 200USD every month. Living at any of the capitals on my area of the country is not an option because rent is expensive, living costs are expensive, campii for public universities are often at the outskirts of cities, thus increasing transportation expenses. The capital of my state has a high rate of violence as well, so it’s not a good place to live. I can’t really go live at my partner’s parents’ both because of personal reasons, as well as because they live at one of the worst places for LGBT+ people in this country.

Even without all of those problems, public university teachers here seem to have an ivory-tower-complex, and are often rude and extremely condescending to their students. An extreme example being, TW, a student who recently committed suicide after being bullied by a teacher over an assignment. A more trivial example was my partner having burn-out due to having classes with ridiculously pedantic professors who complained about even a minor deviation of standard terminology on their field. Aside from that, there is also the fact that university courses last around four to five years here, and there is no concept of “majors” and “minors” like in many European and North-American universities.

Okay, but let’s say I could go around all of those things, that the most of them are problems only because I’m so whinny. Could I go to university study linguistics, in, say, Icelandic, Old Norse, Old English or Germanic languages in general? No, because there is no such course here. There isn’t any kind of linguistics course on universities here, not even for our national language or any of the major languages spoken here and abroad. The closest thing is “Letters” which is more like a course on literature, often coming in the form of a licentiate course focused on teaching language, usually aimed at grade school.

So, there it is, I have no option, I live at no-opportunity land. Hence, I have to keep doing furry commissions whether I like it or not. I have to wait for the time when I have the chance to leave this place, so I can do more of the things I like doing with my life. I’ll be really happy when that happens.

#okay i guess i'll start tagging those with #njuum:journal #so they don't get lost amidst the art reblobs #one can see how i started writing this on twitter because the first few paragraphs are very convoluted #oh i forgot i had the tag #words

[thoughtcock]

self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

[standing-on-my-soapbox]

Welp, folks… like most good intentions, things with my blog didn’t go totally according to plan 🤣 which could also be the title to my autobiography: Things Did Not Go As Planned 😂

But I digress. As I tend to do. (If this ends up being a thing, and you end up following me, you’ll soon learn that my mind is like a spiderweb and while a thread may take off in another direction, at some point, it WILL connect with the rest…. Usually)

So I intended to post more regularly but I caught a cold or allergy-induced infection or some other nonsense that’s making me feel like crap. And between that and work and keeping the house standing… getting my blog started just didn’t make the top of the To-Do list 🤷‍♀️

But now that I’m feeling a modicum more human - at least enough to spend most of the day vertically - I figured I’d better buckle down. Because this blog sure ain’t gonna write itself!

So grab yourself a coffee, sit down, strap in, grab an ‘oh shit handle’ and come along for the ride!

In case you didn’t notice already, I was raised in the South. And by South, I mean deep East Texas, where the laws of the land still seem to resemble the Wild West a little, and things happen at their own particular pace, with very little regard to how any outsider (or insider) might feel about it. We were deep enough in the woods that we were behind the times with the rest of the world (mortifying to a teen girl who couldn’t buy this season’s advertised fashions)… but not so deep that we weren’t aware that we were considered backwoods by others (also mortifying). And frankly, with our nearly 25,000 people, we were the biggest city around by a pretty good margin.

Growing up in a small/big (depending on your perspective) Texas town was a little like being on the Andy Griffith show, in hindsight. It was a quaint, safe, secure little community with enough variety to keep things interesting. We played outside by ourselves until the streetlights came on, we took the trolley into town for free, we went to church every Sunday, and we both loved and fought our siblings, neighbors, and friends. We were sheltered and we didn’t even know it.

I’m glad I grew up that way. Especially after growing up and seeing what life could have been like in other situations. Having my own kids made me realize just how different times were, because there’s no way in earth I’d turn my kids loose like we were… even though we totally live in suburbia too. I don’t trust it. The world. The people. The weather. My kids, sometimes. I just don’t trust any of it. (There could definitely be some underlying issues here. I’m sure we will delve into this topic of trust again)

At any rate… if you don’t know who Andy Griffith is, or what his show was like, then just forget the reference… none of that was even the point. My point was that I grew up in the south and I say things like y’all and ‘buckle down’ and I’m the queen of passive/aggressiveness because… well, I’m a lady, dammit, so I gotta be polite (because my mama raised me right!) but I’m also not going to sit quietly by and let my opinion go unvoiced.

Which sort of brings me full circle again because that’s the whole point of my blog here… to say the things. All the things. That MAY be better left unsaid… but then might fester into bitterness, because sometimes… sometimes… I just can’t let it go. 🤣

I’m Kelli. I know that we’re all big on defining things, so… My labels have included: mom, wife, daughter, sister, ex-wife, friend, graduate, manager, student, volunteer, poet, professional, feminist, marketer, and a million others that you might have to figure out for yourself. I’m middle aged, and opinionated. I’m highly sensitive and yet cold and callous. I’m a blend of logic and emotion that is equal parts success and failure.

I’m probably a bit of an acquired taste. 😂

Stick around and see if you like the flavor… it might grow on you. It might not. 🤷‍♀️ But you’ll never know if you don’t give it a try. (Which could ALSO be the title of my autobiography)

…. ‘Till next time …

#blog #girl blogger #texas girl #i write #writers and poets #coffee #i’m just a girl #just saying #i say things #soapbox

[chriscassarcentral]

A follow up to previous post, as the topic touched there lead me to accept that I need to allow myself time to find my words.

I already knew that I've always felt more comfortable with texting, online chatting, compared to phone calls and direct physical conversations. And eventually I realized it was because it felt a bit stressing to "have" to find my words "quickly" during a direct conversation. Or said another way: I prefer the way most non-direct methods of communication mean I can take my time to express into words what I want to say.

Now that I sit here, it feels obvious that this expand to my writings. Yet, it took me a while to realize the reason it felt pressuring to follow schedules or "try to be active" is because I need to give myself the space and time to find the words to express my ideas. Sometimes, it might happen relatively quickly. Other times, not so much. At times, I need to do other things to let my creativity rest.

And a part of me knew I couldn't force out words. That my ideas would develop in their own time. That I wasn't the type of person who can sit in front of an open page and "words will eventually come". I do believe it can work for others, to take the habit to try anyway, or create space to write. For me, though? It doesn't. Instead, I have to trust that, when I don't force myself to do anything, when I don't pressure myself for anything, things will flow smoothly in their own pacing.

Which connects back to the topic of personal standards, how they apply in professional settings, and why it caused issue for me: I was accidentally trying to follow standards not my own. All around us, "professional" is portrayed as "productive", as "pushing yourself", as the general idea you need to work every day. Worse, it is made as if the public will loose interest if you do not produce in a "timely manner".

But none of these are my own standards. Yes, I want to offer quality, but to do so, I recognized I needed a healthy mindset. And all of the above? That was not healthy for me. So I rooted out every reasons I felt that way, made sure to find the words to express what I understood, then sometimes, like now, I share because it can help those that face similar issues.

In this case, it also allows me to express why I might sometimes be active relatively regularly, and why at other moments, a while can pass with nothing new. I can't begin to express how much I toy with my ideas almost daily. If it isn't one thing, it's another. Putting all of that into words and connecting all the stuff that needs to connect, though? That's not as easy. But it's my own personal standards that make me unwilling to share before I feel confident I have found my solid basis. There's no word to explain it, only a sense of knowing when there is something I can share.

And, in addition to that, I need to treat myself healthily, give myself space to unwind, relax. To not burn out my creativity, to not pressure myself with the vague sense of "I'm taking too long". Managing to do all that sincerely has been quite the work in progress, which I know I've gotten better at. Being able to express it all clearly and share it helps a lot, because now you, my reader/follower, knows. And my mind knows you know, or at least, that this post exist to explain.

On a side note: I will eventually make a video that will for on my non-fiction video channel, because this post and the previous one make together a decent little "essay" of sort!

#progress updates

[phoenixyfriend]

The Family Tree is... a Disaster

Takes place in the TCW Leverage AU. It does contain a few deviations, namely that the narrative ended up shifting Plo's role in Ahsoka's life, and Ventress's role overall.

This is mostly just dialogue where I outline the fuckery that is the disaster lineage family tree, not actual fic. It stemmed from my incessant need to justify "25yo Obi-Wan somehow got custody of 9yo Anakin without Shmi dying."

Warnings for: canon character death (modernized), canon violence (modernized), and references to Nazis and white supremacists (Palpatine collects WWII weaponry as a parallel to his canon display of Sith artifacts in his office as chancellor, and Ahsoka thinks it's sketchy)

----

"Okay," Cody says, setting down a glass of whiskey as he drops into the seat across the table. "What the hell is your family tree like?"

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow, and continues cleaning off the definitely-not-stolen crystal komodo dragon he'd won in today's job. "I beg your pardon?"

"You and Skywalker," Cody says, gesturing between Obi-Wan, who is just sitting there minding his own business, and Anakin, who is across the closed-for-tonight bar and doing something inadvisable on the pool table. "You've said he was your brother, and mentioned raising him, which, sure, I'm over twenty years older than my youngest brother, people take over parenting roles all the time. But you have different last names, have mentioned stepfamilies that the other doesn't have, reference things as 'your aunt, not mine,' and I am just getting... very confused. I figured it was personal and I could leave well enough alone, but considering your older brother almost shot us today--"

"Okay, Xanatos is not my brother," Obi-Wan immediately says. "Just. I just have to stop you right there. Xanatos was a student of my father's for a time, but I promise he's not family. Nobody except maybe Komari would consider him even close, and she doesn't count since she's in prison for life and the farthest thing from stable."

Cody gestures. "That, Obi-Wan. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even know who Komari is."

Obi-Wan purses his lips in a failed attempt to not smile. "Do you actually want the explanation? It's long and unnecessarily complicated."

"So's mine," Cody snorts. Obi-Wan waits, patient and pleasant, and is rewarded when Cody sighs. "Please."

"Of course, my dear. To answer your first question, though, Anakin is my half-brother." With a smile, Obi-Wan digs a piece of paper and a pen from his briefcase. "So, center of the chain: me, my father Qui-Gon, my grandfather Yan, and my great-grandfather Yoda. With me so far?"

"Easy enough. Do you have to go back that far?"

"Great-grandfather Yoda is still alive and regularly escaping the old folks' home to terrorize younger relatives, so yes," Obi-Wan says. "Given that you may just meet a tiny, meddling relative of mine when he's bored, we do in fact have to go back that far."

"...how old is he?"

"We don't know for sure. A hundred and eight-ish is the best guess." Obi-Wan shrugs. "It's not a huge deal, mostly he likes bothering Anakin these days. Anyway, grandfather. Yan Dooku. Inherited a minory duchy from his maternal grandfather decades back. Mostly hangs around there because he's on terrorist watchlists in the States."

"Oh, lovely."

Obi-Wan grins. "Trust me, it gets worse. Anyway, grandfather never actually married, but spent most of his time with his 'best friend' Sifo Dyas, who died about a decade back."

"Gay?"

"Well, we know that now, but they got together in the seventies, and this was back when they were both working government jobs, so, you know. It happens."

"Good to know," Cody says. "So, Yoda's kid is Yan, who inherited a title and land from a maternal relative, and had a life partner but never married. With you so far."

"All of Yan's kids were adopted," Obi-Wan continues, sketching out the first branch away from the Yan/Sifo partnership. "Rael was actually grandfather's cousin, maternally, and ended up in his custody after getting orphaned at five. These days, he does most of the stewardship duties at the Serenno Duchy. His daughter Nim is teaching military history at a university in Germany."

Cody nods. "Uncle number one is named Rael, technically your dad's cousin, has a daughter. Got it."

"About a decade after Rael, they adopted my father, Qui-Gon. He and grandfather fought, frequently, but they did care for each other. My father was a botanist, did bio-engineering. We'll get back to him later, because he's where things get complicated." Obi-Wan made sure to leave room around the name. "Just a few years older than me was--is--Komari Vosa. She is... serving a life sentence. I think she fought Jango once."

"She fought my father?"

"To the best of my knowledge, they both almost died, yes," Obi-Wan says. "She's in maximum security these days. She was an assassin. I'll get a call if she breaks out, and I'll let you know along with everyone else."

"Bad news auntie, got it."

"Last adoption, sort of, is Ventress," Obi-Wan finishes off. "A few years younger than me, is technically grandfather's personal assistant and does secretarial work and the like, but we all know he's planning to leave as much of the inheritance to her as he is to the rest of us. She's aggressive and unpleasant, but she takes care of him and hasn't actually threatened to kill any of us yet, so that's fine."

"How'd she join?" Cody asks.

"Ky Narec was a friend of Qui-Gon's; Ventress was his daughter. Ky died a few years after Qui-Gon did, and Ventress was a mess, after." Obi-Wan shrugs and scratches that connection into the little sketch of a family tree as well. "Grandfather offered her a job until she got herself back together, and then she just kind of... stuck around."

"Youngest aunt, more of a cousin." Cody summarizes. "Now we go back to your father?"

"Qui-Gon Jinn was a man of many skills," Obi-Wan says drily. "Adequate birth control was not one of them."

It's almost a pity that Cody wasn't drinking anything, because going by the way he chokes, Obi-Wan's pretty sure the spit take would have been spectacular.

"I'm sorry," Cody says. "Can you repeat that?"

"I was an accident," Obi-Wan says, not even bothering to hide his smile. "So was Anakin."

"So that sounds like... a story."

"It is," Obi-Wan confirms. "My biological mother has never been in the picture. They had a fling, she wasn't sure if she'd want to abort or give me up, just that she wasn't ready to be a parent, and Qui-Gon volunteered to take full custody so she could go back to her life after the birth. I've never met her, but I kept her family name. You can consider her irrelevant beyond that."

Cody nods.

"So, when I was about a year old, Qui-Gon reconnects with an old flame, they get married two years later. Step-mother number one is Tahl. Lovely woman, I absolutely adored her, and she had a daughter, my stepsister, Bant Eerin."

"I met her, right?" Cody asks.

"Yes, she was the doctor who patched up my bullet wound a few months ago," Obi-Wan says. "With the giant glasses that make her look a little fish-eyed."

"She was nice."

"She is," Obi-Wan agrees. "At any rate, that was our family for a while, and then Tahl died when I was fourteen. Bant wanted to go to a magnet school for medical studies, and Qui-Gon's grief was... not optimal for taking care of multiple teenagers, shall we say, so Bant moved in with her paternal uncle, Kit Fisto, and Kit's son Nahdar. He's a marine biologist, incredibly friendly, and has no idea of any of the rest of my side of the family's questionable activities. If you ever meet him, you will pretend that we are a legal firm with a team of security consultants."

Cody raises a brow. Obi-Wan despairs. "Best you could do?"

"We're not that likely to run into him." Obi-Wan draws out a new line. "So, Qui-Gon deals poorly with grief. This is also around the time that Xanatos came around to ruin our lives a little. He was a very rich and unpleasant man, but he's dead as of four hours ago, so you don't have to worry about him. Or his son."

"His son?"

"Anakin handled that," Obi-Wan says. "Thoroughly. Granta Omega is no longer an issue. He's not dead, but... well. Anakin has his ways. Er--I should probably mention Feemor; he was my father's assistant at the university for a long time. Anakin and I still call him our uncle."

"Also a person to avoid mentioning criminal activity to?" Cody prompts.

"Well... no, but only because I don't think he'd care. The man is, forgive me, more of a 'walking sweatervest' than I am. He's a very bland and unassuming man. He once described himself as the background character of the soap opera that is my family's existence."

"Sounds like a charmer."

"Oh, he's very kind and clever, and witty as well. I adore him, and he really is family. He's just also very, very normal. Not boring, but..." Obi-Wan trails off and shrugs helplessly. "He's an editor for an agricultural research journal. Also not someone I anticipate us running into."

"Noted."

"Right, so, Qui-Gon dealing poorly with his grief didn't involve much drinking, but there were a few months of him trying to... lose himself in the pleasures of the flesh?" Obi-Wan tries, and then deflates at the look on Cody's face. "He was slagging around. Shmi got pregnant with Anakin, who was born when I was sixteen. Shared custody at first, Qui-Gon got him weekends and every other holiday, that sort of thing, and then they got married because they actually did like each other well enough, and it was easier on the taxes."

"So Shmi is stepmother number two."

"Shmi is stepmother number two, yes." Obi-Wan sketches in Anakin and Shmi. "About nine and a half years after Anakin was born, Shmi and Qui-Gon were in a car accident with... well, it later turned out it wasn't an accident, there was a hitman called Maul involved, he's actually Ventress's second cousin or something, I don't know. Grandfather handled most of that problem. Qui-Gon died, Shmi was in intensive care, and I got custody of Anakin as his nearest adult relative. We weren't very close before that, because I was off at university by the time he was old enough to form memories, but that changed once he started living with me. I more or less raised him as a single parent from that point."

"This is why he jokes that you're like a father to him."

"Precisely," Obi-Wan says. "Shmi took about a year to recover enough to move again, and grandfather covered the costs. She still had to live with a dedicated carer and attend daily physical therapy. At that physical therapy, she met Cliegg Lars, whose son Owen was also a patient there. They hit it off, and three years later, they married. When Anakin refers to his stepfamily he's talking about the Lars out in Nevada."

"Nevada?"

"They have a farm. A very, very normal one. We don't drag them into our activities, unless we have an at-risk person who needs a safe house." Obi-Wan pauses, and then decides this really needs to be stressed. "This is important to me and Anakin, that we don't get them involved unless there's absolutely no other choice. Shmi's been through a lot, and the Lars are busy enough running the farm."

"Works for me," Cody says. "We've got enough safe houses that it shouldn't be an issue. I'm guessing this story doesn't end there, though."

Obi-Wan grimaces. "My own love life has been... a bit of a mess."

"I already know about Kryze, at least."

There's that. "I was temporarily engaged to a friend, Siri Tachi, shortly after high school. We were in a relationship, but this was mostly something done to appease a relative of hers that was getting overbearing to the point of absurdity, and she couldn't just cut them off. We broke off the engagement after the relative passed, and we're still friends."

He notes that down, then adds the other embarrassment of his early years. "First marriage was actually a drunken joke between myself and my best friend when we were in college. We got it annulled a few months later because we just didn't have time to drop by the courthouse before then, and he's actually engaged to Asajj now."

"Asajj?" Cody asks, watching in fascination as Obi-Wan tries to mark in both his own short marriage and the newer, long-term engagement without crossing any lines. He settles for just writing the name twice and including an asterisk with 'this is the same person.'

"Ventress," Obi-Wan clarifies. "Yeah, Quinlan's a fun guy. His little sister, Aayla, treats Anakin like a beloved younger cousin."

"Are they also off-limits for criminal activity?"

"No, Aayla's the one that taught Ahsoka how to vent-crawl," Obi-Wan says. "And I'm pretty sure Quinlan has contacts in every major government branch, criminal organization, and Fortune 500 company on the planet. I reach out to them regularly."

"Resources, then."

Obi-Wan nods. "Some time later, I married Satine. We had a son; you've met Korkie. We split due to incompatibility a year and change before Qui-Gon's death. Satine doesn't engage in criminal activity, but Bo-Katan is..."

"I've met Bo-Katan. I know what she's like, Obi. You don't have to explain."

"She works with Maul sometimes."

"...the man who killed your father?"

"Yes. It's all very stupid and convoluted." Obi-Wan still writes her in. "So, that's them. Korkie goes to boarding school, and I try not to involve him in anything. Anakin and Ahsoka like to teach him self-defense and the like, but Satine is adamant that he stay unaware of my less legal dealings until he's an adult."

Cody shrugs. "Makes sense. Is that every--wait, no, Skywalker's married."

Obi-Wan grins. "Yes, and Padme's got twins on the way."

"I was there when he told us," Cody says drily. "He was very loud about it. Okay, how does Ahsoka fit in?"

"Hold on, I forgot Beru," Obi-Wan mutters. "Owen's fiancee. Same rules as the Lars. Okay, you asked about Ahsoka. Right. So. Um."

He dithers. Cody waits for him, and then Obi-Wan just gives up. "Ahsoka, dear, would you like to explain how you joined the family, so to speak?"

Ahsoka looks up from whatever she and the boys are doing--there are multiple beer glasses and straws and duct tape involved, and Obi-Wan doesn't really want to know--and then flips off the table and over to Obi-Wan and Cody. She looks over the family tree chart, and then says, "Oooh, did you tell him about the cult?"

"You were in a cult?" Cody demands.

"No, Komari was. She was head priestess or something. I dunno, it's why she's in prison and stuff."

"I did not tell him about the cult," Obi-Wan mutters, already regretting this. "The Bando Gora aren't a problem anymore. I've already gotten to explaining how you and Anakin know each other."

Ahsoka rolls her eyes, steals his pen, and starts sketching in around Quinlan's name, over by Asajj since Obi-Wan's section is too crowded. "Okay, so, Quinlan's adopted. His dad is Tholme, and Tholme's dad is Plo Koon. Plo Koon is good friends with my Auntie, Shaak Ti, who raised me. They live next door to each other, out in the country, and I'd play in his yard a lot, because he had puppies, and he took me to visit his bees. Whenever Auntie needed a babysitter, she asked Quinlan or Aayla to do it since she knew and trusted them, and Aayla needed pocket money."

"This is so unnecessarily complicated," Cody mutters.

"It is!" Ahsoka chirps. Her grin is far too sharp. "So, this one time, Aayla was watching me when I was fourteen, and she was just helping me with my physics homework. BAM, the door slams open, and in stumbled Skyguy with his arm missing. I've never met him before, and my first introduction is him shortly after he's gotten an unplanned amputation."

Anakin, on the other side of the room, giggles. Obi-Wan just sighs. The Fett brothers appear to be in the land of 'horrified fascination.'

Ahsoka revels in it. "There's blood everywhere, I'm screaming, Aayla's panicking, Anakin's halfway to unconscious and insisting we can't call the hospital, and nobody can get Obi-Wan on the phone. Quinlan's in another country, and Auntie Shaak and Uncle Plo are at a movie, so they've both got their cellphones off. Tholme was faking his death at that point to get away from an incident with the Irish Mob, so we didn't even try him."

"What the actual fuck," Rex breathes.

Ahsoka continues with relish. "We get Bant to pick up, and she's there an hour later with Padme, because Padme knows how to drive the way Skyguy does, and the entire drive there is just Auntie Bant on speakerphone telling Aayla how to stop the bleeding and get him stabilized while Padme's screaming at traffic at the top of her lungs."

"I owe Aayla a fruit basket," Anakin muses aloud. "The anniversary of her saving my life is coming up, it's warranted."

"Five years, baby!" Ahsoka crows. She fist-pumps.

Obi-Wan just drops his head into his hands. "You're killing me, children."

Anakin shrugs, grinning. "You know, I think Fett Senior might have been involved in that fight."

"My shitty dad cut off your arm?" Rex demands.

"No, I think he was busy fighting the Interpol guy," Anakin says. "But he was definitely there. I think. Blood loss kinda got to me after a bit, but I'm pretty sure Jango Fett was there, and also Boba might've been hiding in the getaway car?"

"I need another glass," Cody mutters. He doesn't stand up, though.

"Wait," Rex says. "So who cut off your arm?"

Anakin shrugs with an unsure noise. "Someone tried to convince me it was Grandpa Yan, but he was in the middle of a court case in Italy for some kind of parole violation when it happened, so he had an alibi."

"...did he actually violate parole?" Cody asks, and Obi-Wan thinks he looks like he doesn't know if he actually wants an answer.

Ahsoka shrugs. So does Anakin. Obi-Wan carefully looks at a spot behind Cody, and doesn't explain anything about wine tastings used as covers for illicit arms deals.

"The arm?" Rex prompts, sounding a little desperate to get back to the question he likely thinks is the most important.

"I still say it was Skeevy Sheev," Ahsoka chimes in.

"It wasn't Palpatine," Anakin snaps.

"Your creepy older friend who took you to operas and gives you fancy gifts and knows way too much about swords who was conveniently there to talk to the police and cover for you so you didn't get arrested for getting in the middle of a gang war in the first place, yes," Ahsoka says, dropping into a chair and sighing dramatically. "The guy who definitely hasn't been trying to convince you for a year and change that your wife is cheating on you with your older brother."

"Ahsoka!"

"What? He is."

"Anakin," Rex says, "your life sounds like a trainwreck."

"I'm not going to assume a frail, elderly man cut my arm off!" Anakin protests. "Even if he wanted to, he doesn't exactly have the muscle for it!"

"Grandfather's older," Obi-Wan points out, even though he knows it won't help. "And he definitely still could."

"Ha!" Ahsoka shouts.

"He could have hired someone?" Cody suggests. "Doesn't need to do it himself, if he has enough money."

Obi-Wan has a sneaking suspicion that Cody is deliberately stirring the pot as revenge for Anakin sending him eighty-seven cat memes inside an hour during last night's dinner.

"You all suck," Anakin declares. "Also, what the hell do you mean 'knows way too much about swords,' Ahsoka? You know way too much about swords!"

"Yeah, but I'm like ninety-percent sure that his antiques are Prussian and mid-century German military officer dress uniform relics, and pairing that with the Nazi pistols he's got on display--"

"He's just a history buff! And his family's German, of course he prioritizes that region, it's not like he doesn't have Russian or French or English antiques in there too, it's all sides of the war and--"

"I'm just saying he's almost definitely sending me sketchy glances like he thinks I'm planning to steal the silver on the three occasions you've had me with you when you stop by, and I'm pretty sure it's got less to do with my criminal record and more to do with me being, you know, not white."

Anakin looks ready to blow, so Obi-Wan interrupts. "Ahsoka, you were explaining how Anakin passing out on Aayla and scaring us all half to death led to your friendship?"

Ahsoka blinks at him, and then sticks her tongue out at Anakin and turns back to the chart. "So basically, Skyguy had to recuperate in Uncle Plo's living room for a week or two, and I kept showing up to bother him because he was bored and nobody would give him a laptop for 'security reasons,' because he had to lay low and stuff. He made me help him sketch out designs for a prosthesis and do all the writing for the math he had to do for the 3D printer, and we got to chatting."

Ahsoka hops up and back onto a table, legs swinging below her. "I decided he was cool and started following him around while he was getting used to only having one hand, mostly because I was bored. He showed me how to hotwire a car, and explained the best places to put a bug if you were looking to make it sneaky, and he picked my pocket to show off so many times when he was walking around Uncle Plo's house that I made him teach me that, too. And, uh, then Aayla found out and they got into a shouting match about it and decided they both needed to teach me parkour so I could get out of any mess I got myself into, since I was obviously going to follow them into a life of crime."

"And you did," Anakin says, far too proudly. "You're the best thief in this half of the country."

"Only because Aayla moved out east."

Anakin rolls his eyes and pulls Ahsoka into his side, digging his knuckles into her skull. "Best thief! You are the best thief! Be proud of yourself!"

"Let go!"

"Never!"

Obi-Wan sighed heavily and rubbed at his forehead. "Children, please."

"You're not my dad," Ahsoka growls out at him. "Skyguy, I'm going to bite you!"

"Good luck, the only arm you can access is the one that's going to break your teeth."

Ahsoka shrieks in outrage and stomps on Anakin's instep.

It's almost funny, for all that Obi-Wan's seen it play out a million times before, but the really interesting part is seeing Rex's look of fond dismay.

Obi-Wan thinks he might be adding a branch out to the Fetts soon. He's not actually sure if Rex is interested in Anakin or Ahsoka, and he's smack dab between them in age, so that's not a help either, but... well. The expression is familiar enough.

"Please tell me you don't match-make," Cody mutters to him.

"No, I plan to let the pieces fall where they will," Obi-Wan responds, just as low, and far more amused. "I'm simply trying to predict where those landings are to be."

Cody looks at him, and then back at the roughhousing trio, and sighs heavily. "You know, I really didn't think that you technically being minor royalty was going to be the least convoluted thing in your story, Obi-Wan."

He laughs, because it's true. "I'm first in line to inherit the title, since Rael denounced his claim. Nim isn't interested, and Qui-Gon's dead, so... I'm next."

Cody makes a face. "Delightful. I'm guessing that's not a connection we can safely make use of."

"No more than the Kryze or Naberries, I'm afraid." Obi-Wan claps him on the shoulder. "Chin up, I've plenty others in the metaphorical rolodex, all far less legitimate and far more amenable to work with our little outfit."

"Rolodex, really?" Cody snorts. "You're not that old."

Obi-Wan smiles winningly. "You don't know how old I am, Cody. All my IDs are fake."

"Anakin's twenty-four, and you're sixteen years older than him, going by the story you just told me," Cody points out. "I do know how to do basic math, Obi-Wan."

"I had to try," Obi-Wan admits. "I threw a lot of information at you all at once; I'd hoped you missed some of the ages in there."

"I have eight brothers," Cody scoffs. "And literally dozens of cousins, plus niblings, uncles, aunts, and so on. I have experience on this."

"If I asked you to list of the age of every single relative you have, you'd be able to do it?"

"Do you want me to draw a chart? I can draw a chart."

Obi-Wan can't help but laugh. "I'd be delighted, my dear."

Cody rolls his eyes, but Obi-Wan thinks--it's hard to tell in the dimmed lights of the closed bar--that there's a hint of a blush on the man's face. Obi-Wan lets himself slouch to the side, drops his head to rest on one fist, indolent debauchery in every line of his body. Cody does his best to ignore him, but Obi-Wan knows how to smile lazily and blink slowly and draw a man in.

(The whole 'indolent debauchery in every line of his body' phrasing is Anakin's, from back when he was a teenager trying to read highbrow literature to impress a cute girl... and to come up with new insults for his older brother.)

"So," Cody says, with a cough meant to somehow distract Obi-Wan from whatever's showing on the man's face. "Why, uh, why is your grandfather on terrorist watchlists?"

"Well, he didn't initially do anything," Obi-Wan says. "He was just a gay man who didn't hide it quite well enough, and had too much money and too white a face for someone to just call the cops on a faulty report. The Red Scare was technically over by that point, I think, but if a few people made suggestions that he was more loyal to the country that gave him a noble title than to the United States... he received a few warnings, of course, and it could have all blown over..."

"But?"

"But my grandfather is not a man to do things by halves, and instead decided that if the government was to list him as a threat, then he would oblige and make himself a threat," Obi-Wan finishes. "Living up to their labels, rolling with the assumptions, whatever you'd like to call it. It all irked him, and so he made some incredibly questionable decisions to make the government's lives harder. Some weren't bad, like donating to anti-war foundations that were protesting the Gulf War and the interventions in Yugoslavia, that sort of thing, and some were... nobody really looks well on gunrunning, you know."

"For fuck's sake..."

"Indeed," Obi-Wan chuckles. "Ironically, he has minimal opinion on the optimal form of economics, for all that virulent xenophobia and the remnants of anti-communism were involved in the whole mess. He just wanted to create problems for the people that were causing him problems."

Cody shakes his head. "I want to judge that, but you've met my father."

"Jango Fett is, indeed, also not a man to do things by halves," Obi-Wan agrees, attempting to nod gravely but breaking into a smile at the end. "That man is absurd."

"At least he's not dragging Boba into it anymore," Cody mutters. He drags over the fresh sheet of paper and pen that Obi-Wan offers him. "Okay, right, let's start with Jaster..."

#TCW Leverage AU #Disaster Lineage #Modern AU #obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #ahsoka tano #Commander Cody #Captain Rex #Implied Codywan #Mentioned Obitine #Implied Rexwalker OR Rexsoka (unclear to POV character) #Yoda #Count Dooku #Qui Gon Jinn #and various others #Phoenix Posts #nazi mention #red scare mention #violence mention #Leverage AU #crossovers #homophobia mention #racism mention

[player-tag]

hermit!tommy au, part 3

part 2

part 4

{lowercase intended}

____________________________

the nether looked just as tidy as the overworld.

tommy and grian have been walking for a while (it took ages since they weren't using an elytra) and have talked about nothing so far.

grian hadn't tried to start conversation, since he saw how uncomfortable tommy was. he knew he was thinking and trying to piece together what had happened to him. all he did was observe tommy's behaviour and reactions to certain things.

tommy was taller then grian. a lot taller. he was also lanky and had absuloutly the worst posture imaginable. he had a few scars scattered on his arms and on his face, which grian found a little worrying; especially since tommy looked so young. tomy was tall and at first glance seemed like an adult, but as soon as you properly look at his face, or even observe his behaviour or talking you can see he’s clearly very young. nothing over 19, grian had thought.

when tommy could bear the awkwardness no longer, he spoke out.

”so, uh... who are you taking me too again?”

“our server admin, xisuma!” grian sounded cheery, though he was talking about a fucking server admin.

the only server admin tommy had ever known was dream, and dream was so, so bad. he had been been-is manipulative. he is evil. he's rude, unsympathetic and just plainly a bad person. tommy couldn't find a signal redeeming quality in him. he deserved everything bad.

"why are you taking me to him?" tommy hastily asked. oh, god, was grian trying to get him killed? he knew he shouldn't of trusted grian! never trust anyone!

"cuz he'll help us sort out this little problem, won't he?" grian sounded calm and happy. but then again, grian always sounded calm and happy.

"won't he like, kill us though? or be mean?" tommy was fiddling about with his fingers, and his compass. both the british men had stopped now, standing a few feet apart.

grian stared at the boy in pity. what had he gone through? what had happened to him to make him think anyone he doesn't know will be bad? whatever, or whoever, made him feel like this was a disgusting creature. tommy was clearly nothing more then a boy, yet he had the mind and reactions of an old war soldier who had seen too much.

grian didn't know how right he was, about everything.

"i promise he won't," grian simply said.

tommy stared at his compass again. he put it back in his pocket, and followed grian. they kept walking, in silence again.

\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/

when they had gone through the portal that led to the shopping district, grian picked up tommy again.

"you're ok with me doing this, right?" grian asked,"x said he was at my shop, but i don't wanna walk all the way over to the barge. "

tommy nodded.

grian took a deep breath, and tommy followed. then, they went off. flying with grian reminded tommy of when he was young. grian clearly wasn't as old as philza, but grian had flying powers as good, if not better, then him.

the beating of grian's wings was steady, confident and slow. tommy felt calm with grian. he was like an older brother to him. but like, the good older brother. the one 'normal' people have. not one that kills to appease a god, or one that blows a nation up because he couldn't rule it.

when they landed, they landed by a glass and wood mansion-type building. inside, tommy could see rows of chest, each labeled. there was sand, gravel, logs, and a lot of other things. tommy was sure people would steal from it regularly. after all, that was the norm, right?

then grian called out the admin's name.

"xisuma? we need your help! there's been a little technical issue!" grian called out very loudly.

inside the mansion tommy saw a man dressed up as a bee. or was he an actual bee? a hybrid, maybe? whatever. regardless, he was a server admin, meaning he could be very evil.

"oh! hello grian! are you here to ask me to finally sort out that chest monster of yours?" the man was tall, and had a cheery and fun voice. he seemed nice. a bee hovered absent mindly around his head. tommy stared at the bee in awe. it reminded him of tubbo.

"nope! my chest monster will one day rule this world! i actually need you to check the server list, since this fellow appeared in the jungle as silently as the jungle bandit disappeared."

x finally seemed to notice tommy. he looked at him strangely, then pulled out a device that looked like a bigger version of the communicator. he stared at it with a confused expression.

"grian... he's not on the server list."

all these have been super short but its because if i write any longer i'll give up on this and i really don't wanna give up on this lmao. anyways see ya.

#hermit!tommy au #hermitcraft #dsmp #dream smp #dsmp x hc #hermitcraft x dsmp #dream smp x hermitcraft #tommyinnit #grian #xisuma #hermit!tommy

[spices-and-cherries]

Don’t make me wait (James Bond x Reader)

This was a request by the lovely @iamcavainna​! I’m so sorry it took so long, but life was being a bit rough. I also wanted to at least try and make this good, so I thought that it would be better if I took some time with it... There is a fluffy ending!

I did not reference race, gender, sexuality, or physical appearance. If I missed something, please let me know so I can change it! 

Warnings: drinking wine, a gun, angst, anxiety, mentions of potential accidents that could happen in a snowy mountain

It’s not uncommon for your partner, James Bond, to be traveling abroad for weeks on end. While it can get lonely, he does try to call regularly from whichever hotel he’s staying in. After a while, you became used to it. Why? Late or not, he always kept his promise: 

I’ll be back.

The last time he had called, he had said that he wouldn’t be able to contact you for a week at most due to a strenuous business conference at a ski resort in the Alps. Seeing as this was normal routine for him, you thought nothing of it and just reminded him not to accidentally hurt himself (yet again). 

But today, you’re worried. In fact, you’ve been worried for five days straight. It’s been over a week - eleven days to be exact - and now you feel as though something is off. 

Had he flown off the side of a cliff? Did he get lost? Was he trapped under an avalanche of snow?

James had given you an address to go to in case of emergency, but would this be the right time to use it? How can you be sure that you’re just not being paranoid? And if you did go, what would you say? James has never taken you to his place of work and barely talks about his colleagues, so who would you even be speaking to?

Hundreds of panicked questions circle your mind as you pace around your living space, phone in one hand and address in the other. You had barely slept the night before and hadn’t eaten all day. 

You missed James. He’s been gone for almost a month now and no number of phone calls could replace the feeling of his warmth on his side of the bed. His laugh, his miserable cooking, his rough hands...  You needed all of that and more back at home next to you. So you had to go. 

You check the time. It’s just before four o’clock. If you hurry, you just might catch someone on their way out.

---

Without a second thought, you slip on your coat and hurry to the closest bus stop. The trip there was a bit of a haze, between the times you were navigating and transferring. The haze dissipates pretty quickly as you walk up to what was supposed to be some office building and not a glamourous apartment complex with a Rolls Royce being unloaded in front of the main entrance. 

You have to double and triple check the address written down and your GPS on your phone. It seemed to be the right place...

Tentatively, you walk into the lobby, feeling very out of place and small. The floor looks like it all marble and there’s a little fountain in the middle of the space.

Anxious, you manage to sign yourself in at the front desk. There were some complications due to your ID, but after a quick phone call, it was sorted out and you were free to go up. You speed-walk to the elevators, feeling like someone was watching you. Looking around, you didn’t see anyone but the uptight attendant you had just spoken to making another call. The elevator doors open and you walk in. 

As you get closer and closer to your destination, you feel more anxious and your palms start to sweat. You furiously try and dry them as the doors open into what looked to be someone’s home. 

And that someone was straight in front of you.

“Who are you?” She was an older woman with short, salt-and-pepper hair and a fitted pantsuit.

“Uh...” You hear the elevator doors close behind you. There’s no escaping now.

“Well? I don’t have all day, you know.”

“My name is (Y/) (L/N)... I think my husband works for you.” One of her eyebrows raised. “Uh, he said that in case of emergency that I come here...” You pull out the piece of paper and she takes it. “I don’t really have anything urgent, but he’s unusually late in checking in and I-”

“Good lord.” She muttered furiously after scanning the note and crushes it.

“Pardon?” You ask, somewhat alarmed by the unexpected response. 

“Please, have a seat.” She waves to a chair and you comply. 

“Do you know-”

“Your husband? Yes. He’s one of my men.”

“Men?”

“...Well I can see that that fool did follow my order for once, not that it makes much difference...”

“I’m not sure I understand...”

“Normally, you wouldn’t have to.” She sits down across from you. “What is it that Bond told you about his job?”

“...Well, he’s one of those people who are the intermediaries between large company deals...?”

“Close. In reality, he’s the exact opposite.”

“I don’t-”

“Bond is an agent trained in the art of infiltration in order to stop certain kinds of ...businesses from expanding more than they already have. In short, your... husband... is an international spy.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“But that is not the issue here.” She stares at you with eagle eyes. “The issue is this address. Did Bond give it to you?”

“Yes!” You squeak - to say you’re terrified would be an understatement. “He said to come here in case of an emergency while he wasn’t home.”

“And the emergency is?”

“It’s been over a week since he last called. He promised that he would contact me once the week ended. He’s five days late. He’s never late for that long!”

“Right.” She rests her head in the palm of her hand as if she were dealing with some trivial issue. “Has anyone seen this address or followed you here?”

“No one has seen it and I don’t think so?”

“You don’t think so or you don’t know?” She snaps, but her face softens after seeing the look on your face. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Do you - do you know where James is?”

"...We know just as much as yourself. It seems the only thing that man is good for is causing me trouble.” She was standing up again and pacing.

“Is there anything I can do to help? I have this awful feeling that something happened!”

“I am afraid not. We are already doing all we can.” She sighs. “...Did he tell you anything last time he contacted you?”

“He said he was going to a ski resort with a client in the Alps...”

“Nothing else?”

“Not that I can remember.” She takes a good look at you, then turns away. 

“We were told the same. Any longer and we’ll may have to consider him MIA.” 

“MIA?” You feel slightly faint. “Is - is he in danger?”

“If he wasn’t he wouldn’t be doing his job.” You slump back into your seat, unsure of how to take all this information in. Not only has your husband lied to you about his profession, but that profession is putting him in danger!

“Is there anything you can tell me?” You start fiddling with your hands. “I don’t think I caught your name...”

“That would be because I didn’t tell it to you. You may call me M.” 

“Right.” You nod awkwardly. “Seeing as all this is top secret and I’m-”

“A civilian.”

“...What’s going to happen to me?”

“That would be for upper management to decide. Though it shouldn’t be anything too harmful. Bond was the one who brought you into this, after all.”

“Will he be fired?” Alarm rushes through you at the thought. 

“Oh no,” M looks at you with surprise. “James has done much worse than this. They’ll just give him a light spanking and send him off. He’s too good to be let go of.” She looks at you with a penetrating gaze. “Too damn good.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” You smile awkwardly. “In all honesty, this whole situation is a bit much for me.”

“I can imagine.”

“Does this happen with James often?”

“Missing a check-in or finding out about secret marriages?”

“Missing check-ins?”

“Yes, yes it does. Although it seems as though he contacts you more than us. It’s been two weeks since he last called in. It does seem like he’s taking longer than usual...” 

---

Out of supposed security concerns, M told you to stay with her until James comes back. As a compromise, she sent some people to keep surveillance in your neighborhood and on your flat. Of course, this meant a couple of days (or more) living with this mysterious woman. M never talked unless necessary and most certainly did not bring her work home. While she trusts you enough in her home, she cannot afford anything leaking out, no matter how harmless.

That being said, she did try to update you on any word (or lack thereof) from your husband. The more time past, the more anxious you became. You could no longer sleep and M would find you in your room just staring at the ceiling. You had confided in her just once about how much you were missing him when you had one too many glasses of wine. Despite your loneliness, you really did try and keep strong. If the two of you were eating together, you’d ask her questions about your husband’s job. M couldn’t answer more than half of them, but did try to help shed some light on this new side of James. 

She couldn’t go into a lot of details, both due to how classified it all was, but because she thought that James should be the one to explain everything.

On the third day, M had informed you that James had sent a message. It was short and didn’t disclose his whereabouts, but you were so relieved that your knees just about gave out from underneath you. 

He was safe.

He was safe and that was all that mattered to you. Several more days would pass before you’d be reunited. 

---

It was the dead of night and, like usual, you couldn’t sleep. M wasn’t home - she said that she would be late - so you had eaten by yourself. While her suite is beautiful, you can’t help but wish that you were home in your little flat. You used to be annoyed about how much the building settled or your neighbors snoring during the night. Now, the lack of noise unsettles you. However, every noise you do happen to hear makes the hairs on your arms stick up.

Especially when you hear the elevator open awfully early in the night.

Somehow, you knew that it wasn’t M. Maybe it was because you didn’t hear her toss her handbag on one of the chairs or that her usual heels didn’t sound like they should. Either way, you had to make sure that everything was okay. You quietly get out of the bed and grab an empty wine bottle. 

Carefully, you slowly twist the doorknob to ease the door open by just a crack. You can just make out a figure that was much bigger than M shuffling around her desk. Unsure of what to do and not wanting to blow your cover immediately, you stay right where you are. He - for it was most definitely a man - straightened himself out and proceeded to make himself comfortable in one her chairs with his back towards you. 

Why would a burglar make himself at home?

As he begins to pour himself a glass, you gently open the door wide enough that you could slip through it. You bless your lucky starts that it doesn’t squeak. 

One, two, three, four steps forward when suddenly two unexpected things happen at the same time.

The man had gotten up, spun around and pointed a gun at your head. 

The elevator doors open to reveal M.

“Good heavens! What is happening?” You watch M hurry in, throwing her bag on a chair. “Bond! Put the gun down!” Your head snaps back around. The look of surprise and alarm was reflected in your husband’s bright blue eyes. You drop the bottle and it shatters. His gun was swiftly tossed aside. 

“James.” You choke back a sob as you run into his arms. He hugs back just as fiercely. 

“(Y/N).” He softly tucks your head into his shoulder and seems to relax in your arms. 

“I missed you.”

“I know.” 

“While this is awfully touching, you have a lot of explaining to do, Bond.” James lifts his head when he hears M say his name. 

“Ah. Yes. I forgot you were here.” You didn’t need to see M’s face to know the look of annoyance she was most likely sporting. 

“Just sit down.” M snaps, but you can tell that it’s half-hearted. James lets go of you, but grabs your hand as he sinks down into the couch. You curl up on his side, his hand still in yours.

You would never know what it was that the two talked about after that because you had fallen asleep as soon as your head settled on his shoulder. 

When you woke up, it was bright out and you were on the couch. Your pillow shifts, making you do a double take. Your pillow was in fact an arm. You shift to your other side and find yourself face to face with your husband’s sleeping face. Gently, you caress his face then plant a kiss on his cheek. 

“That’s hardly what I would call a good afternoon kiss.” James smirks, suddenly wide awake.

“Afternoon?”

“It’s just after one.” He gently pulls you closer to him. “Now, don’t make me wait more than I already have...” 

“That makes two of us, doesn’t it-” You kiss him squarely on the mouth then pull back - much to his obvious displeasure. “-Mr. Secret Agent?”

Needless to say, the two of you would take the time to talk things out and bring everything (that’s not classified information) into the light.

I tried really hard with this one, so I hope you all enjoyed it! I kinda feel like the start and the end were rushed... I plan on doing some Jake Lonergan headcanons this week, so that will be fun. Please feel free to send me ideas or requests! It might take a while for me to finish it, but I’ll try my best!

- Simpy

#james bond x reader #james bond #x reader #daniel craig #007 #M #established couple #married couple #top secret #minor angst #fluff #request #angst to fluff #kisses #romance #fanfic #fanfiction #ian fleming #everyone is welcome

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S5 Ep 20: Pharaoh’s Cool New Trick

Digging my way through quite a pile of commission work (funny how these things only come all at once or not at all), nearing the light at the end of the tunnel, was looking forward to some free time to catch up on my many little side projects when I was asked to take off for a weekend to do some cat-sitting to which I would NEVER say no to a cat, so like...Rip this blog I guess, we only update like once a week nowadays, but what do you do?

That’s right, play Puzzles and Dragons! The only phone game worth paying any attention to! Where they just released Pegasus on their Yugioh Collab and he looks pretty great!

So I’m just gonna take a second for some art appreciation, because the Puzzles and Dragons art team is just A++++ honestly, and yes, I did pull 13 times to get a Pegasus in my monster box, and yes, he is a completely insane team leader that is absolutely broken when paired with Yugi (the numbers are so satisfying) but...look at him. He looks so good!

(also I finally got Joey Wheeler, and so now my gatcha cravings are settled. And, don’t worry, I play this game so much that I was there during Christmas when they offered like a bajillion stones for free so I didn’t actually use real money on this.)

Now PAD also released a Weevil and Rex, and I don’t know why, and neither does the art team because they still look pretty good but in comparison to all the mains, they sure do looks like just some shorty guys in some casuals.

though I gotta admit, I want to learn how the hell this art team does swooshy effects, because man, that would make my art so much better to just have flames violently exploding out of all my art. Why am I not doing that more often? I have the technology.

anyway, I didn’t bother trying to pull them. Maybe I’ll accidentally pull them when they eventually release a Duke Devlin. (also, RIP to the fact that Roland will probably never be in Puzzles and Dragons but like...I can only send them so many polite letters covered in stickers pretending I’m some 10 year old child and writing in my broken Hiragana “Roland in PAD?”. Thems the breaks. (They also might not remember who Roland is.))

Shoutouts to the card that Weevil is holding that is censoring this nipple on the booby spider, PS.

So because this is not actually a Puzzles and Dragons blog, and it’s been ten eons since I regularly updated so I could remember episode to episode...where the hell were we?

That’s right, we’re on an island now. This show’s wonderful obsession with evil islands (and spoiler, this is one of the few Yugioh Islands that doesn’t explode at the end. Mostly because Kaiba isn’t here to do it or this place would be cinder)

(read more island stuff under the cut)

Anyway, after announcing “hey guys! Screw islands!” Yugi immediately collapses and without any warning.

Apparently the armor is a big ol parasite, which is something that Yugi is so used to at this point that he refuses to admit that this is a problem. Just normal Muto stuff, refusing to tell anyone that he has a serious illness going on underneath that giant mass of hair.

(the sailor moon vibes coming off this weird orb energy)

Sort of feels like a call back to S1 when Yugi was clearly possessed and everyone else was like “He acting weird to you?” except it’s S5 and everyone has learned to never trust Yugi when he says he’s fine and they are responding like he is about to die. Which is correct.

Outside of the cave falls this scroll that is...glowing, I guess. So they open it up and get a bunch of hieroglyphs that give them the “riddle of light” and like youknow...it’s riddle stuff.

They’re doing this riddle for “wings.” And it’s like...everyone’s monster here has a set of wings or an ability to fly. Every single monster except for I dunno, flaming swordsman? Hell, Yugi himself had two sets of wings when he fused with Dark Magician (which was weird, and I still don’t like to think about what technically was going on there.) But we have to go and get ourselves even more wings.

Weirdly, Joey turns to Tea and does something that in any other show would be completely normal. He was like “you want to stay here with Yugi, don’t you?” and it was the first time Joey has ever actually addressed the fact that Tea and Yugi are close. Uncharted territory. I was amazed at the amount of casual shipping that is happening here. It’s almost like a normal ass relationship.

So the boys decide to go off, and be boys and tackle this themselves. And they shouldn’t have, because Tea is smart for this group, and also has the only healing spell.

Like if you’re playing D+D you wouldn’t typically leave your only healer behind. Just saying.

Also like...Grandpa Muto went with them? I guess he’d have to since he’s the translator but also...kind of weird to leave your grandson dying in a cave, but maybe that’s just the Muto lifestyle.

Do not be fooled by my caps, no one has addressed the Bakura in the puzzle for 3 seasons. I’m starting to think this show will never address the Bakura in the puzzle. Which honestly, that would be hilarious if they made a big deal out of that plot point and then couldn’t use it in the end.

And speaking of plot points that kind of come out of nowhere and don’t make full sense with the continuity of the show--Joey has regressed back to the 4th grade.

Hey show? What?

So like if you love Joey, this is not the arc for you, because this arc he is reduced to a Himbo and nothing else. Straight up didn’t know what an echo is, but is very strong and pretty, I guess.

This inevitably happens with any TV show becuase different people make different parts, and I’ve brought up before that sometimes it feels like some teams only have loose post-it notes of what any character should be like at any given point (ESPECIALLY with Seto Kaiba’s timeline) but like...

...Personally I’m mot so fond of this interpretation of Joey, kind of ignores Joey’s best traits, and makes Tristan look way too smart in comparison (and like I always pinned Tristan to be the Himbo of the group, but maybe it’s because they give Tristan so little else to do?)

And like don’t get me wrong, Joey’s a dumbass a lot of the time and needs to get corrected by his pals...but...to the point he doesn’t know what an echo is? He’s a dumbass in a High School student sort of way, youknow?

Anyway, they get down to this big ravine, and they have to destroy this stone while the light passes over it. Kind of feels like a Breath of the Wild shrine quest, actually. In fact, I think Breath of the Wild recycled the shadow/sunlight pathing quest like 4 or 5 times. (I love Breath of the Wild to death but boy did they run out of ideas at the end there.)

They have to fight a glass monster and it’s kind of like...do you know the game Balls 3D? probably not, but it looked like a bunch of random shapes stuck together like a 90′s animation. They basically went to war with shapes.

Pure Himbo energy, has several pokemon, but punches for his pokemon instead of using them. A power move if I ever saw one.

Youknow that would make pokemon a lot more interesting if you could like throw out your pikachu, and then choose to just physically run up to your opponents Eevee and sock it in the jaw. Raise of hands--I know you all would love a version of pokemon like that. Let Ash Ketchum punch a Ratata.

Bro has informed me that Ash does do something like this in the anime. But I’m not talking about the anime, I’m talking about the video game. Give me the option to physically combat my rival. This is what I want, Pokemon.

They discover a way to break the monolith, and the show thinks we’re like actually 7 years old (because the show is Y7, although I forget because it deals with so many dark themes) so the show is going to hold on to this puzzle for a while...just to fill time. And it’s fine because we gotta switch over to Pharaoh anyway.

Yami has this dream again. He attempts to fuse with Dark magician to overcome the dream, but alas, he is still not strong enough.

Yugi wakes up in this murky cave while Tea is out washing out like...some rag? (he’s also still got a rag, so I guess multiple rags were required for how sweaty Yugi is.)

Yugi says “I feel like I’m a new man!” a lot in this episode, and every time he calls himself a man like he’s some sort of adult it’s very funny to me.

And then this plot lore dropped.

I mean I guess inevitably it had to happen...

But man, end of an era. It was freakin hilarious while it lasted: that Pharaoh refused to read ancient Egyptian because it’s like 2002 and he is a High Schooler living in Japan and he actually doesn’t WANT to resolve the mystery of the puzzle. Maybe the people who made this arc don’t know about how in S2 and S3, the fact Pharaoh couldn’t read Marik’s back tatt was like...a really big issue. He couldn’t read the God card, he couldn’t even read that massive tablet that read “HEY PHARAOH THIS IS LITERALLY YOU”. KAIBA had to tell him how to read the God card for him. Freakin Seto “Magic is a lie” Kaiba had to tell him how to use the God Card because Pharaoh couldn’t read it.

But like...Pharaoh finally gave in at some point after the world was devoured by the Leviathan, and before Kaiba finished building Kaibaland (which was already built in S1 but wtv)

The timelines on this show have always been a mishmash...but this one is just like...

...show are you trying to convince me that at any point in this show after season Zero, Pharaoh had any idea what he was doing? Did he sap that brain energy straight out of Joey Wheeler so he could do this?

Wow.

(secretly hoping he forgets how to read Egyptian after this arc is over and the show goes back to the other development team)

Pharaohs reasoning is that, if this is the riddle of the light.....

....then where is the riddle of darkness????????????

and when Tea was like “Pharaoh that is not even remotely logic. Omg it’s so bright outside, lets go back to gross cave.” and Pharaoh was like “Tea! You got it!” and she was like “What the hell are you talking about?”

Not gonna lie, I saw the Orichalcos green, and I got concerned.

Anyway, Yugi gets very frustrated and was like “ugh, lets go save em. They’re gonna die (again.)” and marches down there as if he didn’t pass out an hour ago.

And he fuses with Dark Magician again while everyone else (including his grandpa) was like “Yugi are you freakin kidding me? The suit freakin kills you omg! Tea you had one freakin job!”

And then we get the plot twist that...I mean it makes sense but it was choreographed in a confusing way.

And out of no where this guy shows up again:

So this mysterious man shows up and says “If you don’t succeed you have to live here forever” which...nice...that would probably save the world a lot of problems if Yami got locked away and took his OP puzzle with him. And then this man also says “if you do succeed you become VERY POWERFUL” and Yami was like. “...”

This whole episode had a theme to it, where Tristan and Joey were trying to prove that they could do things on their own and without Yugi’s help. And honestly...felt a little bit misplaced. Yami’s the same guy who murdered Yugi last season with the Orichalcos so like...

...I mean he is probably more reliable than Tristan who once died and turned into a robot monkey for 10ish episodes.

and then they flew into a glowing door.

Folks, this was wild to look at.

This is wild.

And at this point I closed Photoshop and thought I was done. But then I looked at my timeline on the video and was like...wait...there’s more?

and I’m really glad I kept watching because it went back to Alex, who...is apparently just still at those steps in this haunted ass Pyramid.

Now we’re watching Yugioh.

I forgot for a second when they turned Joey into a Himbo and made Pharaoh literate, but we’re back. I mean...

...look at the liner art on this adult man.

So...I posit the question...has Alex spent the last 2-3 episodes doing nothing but applying eyeliner to his face in the dark? Because he absolutely has. And honestly, the vibe of being in a spooky haunted pyramid with barely any light, just applying eyeliner down the edge of your face...that’s a Yugioh vibe, if I ever saw one.

This arc is wild. Anyway, next episode we do even more fetch quests and riddles? Just going to guess now that we probably will.

(and for those new here, this is a link so you can read them from the top. Which, since we’re in S5, means you got like...hours of Yugioh content to read through. Enjoy the rewards of my weird hobby.)

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

#Yugioh #Yu-Gi-Oh #yami yugi #S5 #Ep20 #It's actually Ep 20 now I was wrong last time #Yugi muto #Grandpa Muto #Alexander the Great #Joey Wheeler #Tristan Taylor #Tea Gardner #TeaxYugi #never thought I would ever use that tag #in this show where they are canonically dating but sometimes it happens #Puzzles and Dragons #Because yes I had to talk about it. This collab is great

[twistedapple]

On Pomefiore

[Note: Tumblr being Tumblr, I’ll put the links and due credits in a reblog; also, partially under the cut because it’s a bit long]

This post is something that has been brewing for a while now – my more observant followers will know when it started based on a certain tag. To preface this write up, I’d like to precise that I have been motivated in working on it because of the way Pomefiore was being received when I joined the fandom. Since then it has been followed by certain beliefs that – while being qualified as headcanons, which is perfectly fair and fine in itself – tend to be treated as actual gospel. It’s not a thing specific to the Twst fandom mind you, it happens in most fandoms – heck I still keep an eye on the KHR fandom and there are still people regularly making posts about mischaracterisation, and that fandom has been around for at least ten years. So I’m not here to preach, but to clarify a few things regarding what Pomefiore represents as a dorm, as well as provide a comprehensive commentary on its associated characters.

First belief: Pomefiore is the shallow dorm of pretty people.

But is it? The very first thing we learn about Pomefiore is that it’s the dorm of Hard Workers and other Overachievers, right in the prologue. This dorm is presented as built on the hard work of the Fair Queen, and she’s regularly taken as an example of how one should conduct oneself – especially by Vil, who expresses a lot of admiration and respect in his lesson chats, and clearly treats her as a model to follow in order to reach perfection.

Now you may think “but Crow, the very first thing we learn about the students is that they look impeccable and polish their appearance”. And you would be right; it is indeed how the students of that dorm are presented. However, let me expand a bit on this thought by making something clear: there’s what the dorm is defined as, and then there’s the path each dorm leader decides to follow. To give a few examples, we see Riddle follow the rules of the Queen of Heart to the letter, and dole out punishment whenever these rules are broken – to the point it impedes the students, who can’t use their magic in an environment where it is required. We see Leona applying the Might is Right type of thinking, which leads to Savanaclaw students being often depicted as bullies (and let’s not talk about the Magift tournament...). Azul, under the pretence of benevolence, is actually ruthless in the way he binds people to his contracts – it’s also shown that the Leech brothers act as his enforcers, either by forcing people into deals (during exam periods, as shown at the start of Episode 3) or by reclaiming the due payment of the contract in more or less pleasant ways (Jade being the local master manipulator, while Floyd canonically states that he finds the breaking of bones a more efficient method). Are you seeing where this is going? As a dorm leader, Vil applies his own views on his fellow Pomefiore students; his views happen to include appearances because he aims to be perfect in every way and has a professional background that justifies it. Is it fair to go as far as he is going when it comes to pressuring other students? Of course it isn’t, it’s the whole point of showing him slapping Epel for what he deems an inappropriate behaviour (see Epel’s Ceremonial Card). It sets the conflict of the dorm – and I personally dig how this major narrative bit is hidden in a story... Which brings us to the other point, the meta aspect of Pomefiore. It’s based on Snow White, a story that relies heavily... On appearances. Now let me ask you: is it really surprising to have a dorm based on such story have a focus on appearances as well? And we even get to see different aspects of it: Vil focuses on the tiniest details to be as polished as possible, Rook has a deep love for change and fleeting moments, Epel can turn something nobody wants into something highly desirable (carving damaged apples to sell them better). Pomefiore is the dorm of transformations – both literal and metaphorical -, a fascinating concept in my opinion and a brilliant idea for a solid narrative arc.

Second belief: Vil is a horrible, narcissistic person, but he will also play dress-up/makeup

Let’s sit for a second there, because there are many things to unpack. Now, what do we know about the fairest of all dorm leaders? Well, quite a lot, for someone who has yet to properly appear in the main story! The very first thing we learn about him is that he has a whooping 5 million followers on Magicam – which is massive and not a number you reach while sitting on your hands and waiting for something to happen. This is such an impressive number that we even get to see various reactions to it, from being very impressed to trying to use that fame for personal purposes. Through reading the stories in which he appears, we get to learn some interesting things about Vil: generally speaking, he fits perfectly the image of the consummate professional. In Jade’s SSR story, we get a solid peek into his life and the man has a busy schedule. He juggles daily with his duties as a student, a dorm leader, an influencer and a professional model – these things take time and he manages to go from one duty to the other with both the ease of someone who’s used to it and the precise organisation of someone with a solid head on his shoulders as well as an incredibly strong work ethic and drive. Speaking from personal experience with the modelling part and an informed opinion on the influencer part, these two fields alone aren’t easy to handle at all. Being an influencer can be very cutthroat (as a certain beauty community has been demonstrating since last year...), and being a professional model requires a lot of drive and dedication, as well as major self-care in regard to both your body and your mental health, because those are the tools of your trade as a model. In consequence, Vil as a dorm leader focuses on appearances as a result of heavy intellectual work to honour the Fair Queen he so highly respects (he says so in his voicelines: “True beauty is determined by strong intellect. You can always doctor your looks, but your true colors will still shine through right away.”), but Vil as a person is also extremely focused on his appearance because he’s doing his job. It’s not narcissism, it’s professionalism. And with his Ceremonial Robes story, we even get to learn that he was ostracised in his hometown for being a performer, yet he kept going and working to reach his goals. For someone who’s only 18 years old, this is an exceptional display of drive, discipline and maturity.

Vil has the highest standards for himself, but because he comes from pretty damn far, he also expects other people to be capable of showing the same degree of determination to achieve their goals. He expresses that in various ways, from being openly displeased with Leona’s general negligence (with Ruggie doing all the work in the background – see Leona’s school uniform story and Ruggie’s lab coat story), to being unimpressed by the new Pomefiore students and getting ready to whip them in a shape he’ll deem desirable as soon as he lays his eyes on them. He’s also highly critical of people going for the easy way out: in his school uniform story, he not only criticises Cater for trying to use him for his own five seconds of fame by buttering him up, but he also emphasises the fact that his services aren’t free. Emphasis on that: Vil isn’t a charity. He isn’t the sort of person with whom you’ll mutually brush your hair while sharing smoothie recipes. Rook is more likely to be the one up to that sort of thing, because Rook is nice and a good senior (see: Rook’s ceremonial robes story). Vil, on the other hand, encourages a lot to try and learn on your own, to use your own head in order to create your own brand (see his lab coat voicelines). He’ll be more enclined to help only after you started doing a part of the job independently and showed you can think and act for yourself. And even then, he’ll likely kick your ass to push you to keep up, because behind all the sparkles and lustre Vil is very much depicted as an overbearing Drill Sergeant. Like I pointed out earlier, it’s heavily hinted that he didn’t get where he is by waiting for good fortune to come by. He works for his success daily and expects other people to do the same. Does it seem like a rather unfair treatment? Sure, but at the same time it provides a great learning opportunity for those willing to put up with it, and Vil offers it in a surprisingly selfless manner: there is an open concern about the way people present themselves, and how they can do it to be their best self at all time.

Interestingly, it creates a peculiar dynamic with his vice dorm leader, Rook. There’s a constant sway between them, with Vil bluntly telling him he can be easily replaced if he fails in his duties, while still relying on him more than Rook relies on him in return – in fact, Rook pretty much follows his own path, and Vil happens to be a very nice view along that path so Rook decided to stop and hang out for a bit, but he still checks his surroundings for other nice views. So while Rook puts up with Vil’s tight requirements (see Rook’s ceremonial robes story, where Floyd cleverly observes that he doesn’t seem that fond of the perfume Vil created for him and forces him to wear during ceremonies), he’s also the one taking actual charge of the new students (see when he checks on Epel in his ceremonial robes story, or when he offers his support during the Ghost Marriage event) and trying to smooth things out when Vil is being too rough (see Vil’s ceremonial robes story). Interestingly, it leads to a communication issue between these two, fueled by what looks very much like a unilateral dependant relationship on Vil’s part, no matter how much he denies it. He rejects Rook through threats of replacing him, yet fully trusts his eyes and sincerity, yet this very sincerity is the reason why Vil doesn’t fully open up to Rook (see Vil’s lab coat story, he goes to Trey to vent about Rook’s lack of consideration) and uses a Harsh Commanding Queen attitude to hide his own insecurities from the eyes of the person who can see them best. It’s likely not helped by the fact that Vil is aware that he needs Rook more than Rook needs him – it’s obvious when reading the latter’s profile: Rook likes his privacy, and while he keeps putting his nose in other people’s business (not out of malice, but genuine curiosity), he’s notoriously deemed annoying by characters like Leona and Malleus because of his overly curious yet inconsiderate nature. There’s a selfishness in Rook which protects him from getting fully controlled by Vil, I’ll repeat myself here but I’d rather insist on that: Rook willingly decided to follow Vil, it means he has the power to refuse him as well (which is very much like... Oh, the Huntsman in Snow White – though in his case specifically, there’s also variations in which his family is held hostage and all, while Rook makes his own decisions).

This entire situation is heavily fueled by Vil’s need for control. As aforementioned, he focuses on the tiniest details and holds complete control over everything that makes his life what it is: from the type of makeup he picks to every single component used in the meals he prepares himself, Vil has a clear need for full control, and it’s reflected in the way he interacts with other students, as well as in the way he handles even his club activities. Vil isn’t just a model, influencer and even actor, in the film study club he works as a director and in one of his stories (lab coat), he’s even shown to create the special effects himself, because only he can provide for his own desires in the most exact fashion. This is where his little “I can replace you easily” becomes funny, because it translates his need for control without really holding since Rook is the one with the most agency in the relationship. In comparison, in Silver’s PE uniform story, Silver is treated like a pawn and Vil even berates Malleus in front of him because Silver dares deny him (how dare he have his own agency instead of being a nice prop who should feel honoured to be selected). Interestingly, Silver also compares Vil’s way of doing things to something martial. AhemDrillSergeantVilahem. In this story, the interesting point is that things finally start working well when Vil stops considering his own vision and decides to look beyond it a bit: taking Silver’s actual abilities into consideration, he finally has a scene that works. It works because he loosened the control a bit – while Silver went along with it but remained vocal the whole time about where his own skills lie.

While the relationship between Vil and Rook, as well as Vil and the rest of the Pomefiore dorm, have been holding through a quietly tense status quo, there is one pebble - dare I say, one potato - who is more than willing to challenge the whole situation through open defiance and a strong will: Epel. He has been set by the narration to be the catalyst to an incoming breaking point, because he wants to live his life to the beat of his own drum, yet remains a teen still in need of a journey of self-discovery. It’s illustrated in how he misunderstands the point of Pomefiore by only looking at the surface - something Vil reproaches, which is why he even talks about his need for more self-awareness in the lesson chats. Of course, Vil uses his own language (beauty) to get his point across, but the underlying point is that Epel has yet to reach a certain degree of self-realisation - such as the fact he is free to try and work hard to become beefier (Vil wouldn’t object as long as he puts in the necessary efforts), or that he is a good fit in Pomefiore because he has the drive to reach his goals and gives himself the means to do so (high awareness, anyone?). Basically, he’s the example of Vil’s communication issues: Vil’s martial nature tends to drown the actual meaning of his motivational speeches. Paradoxically, when dealing with someone like Epel, it actually fuels the teen through spite, which is both comical and quite impressive given Epel’s results (reminder of his own lab coat story, in which he manages to impress Crewel, a man made from the same fabric as Vil, with his formidable results through hard work). However, this form of motivation isn’t healthy, and just like with Rook, a good, long talk is needed to create a better understanding - instead of forcing his Tyranny of Beauty on others.

Bonus point, because I really want to address it

For some time now, I’ve been vocal about my personal feelings regarding the reception of Pomefiore and its characters. While it became more positive since June, it still tends to miss the point for a reason I’d like to address: the Not Like The Other Girls mentality and how it specifically affects the way Vil and his own femininity are perceived.

While I am not invalidating this thinking as part of a larger growth process, I think it has been unfairly used against Pomefiore. In a way, it’s very much the way Epel reacts: it’s just a Pretty People Dorm led by an Annoying Pretty Boy, and Savanaclaw is cooler. However, this is not only superficial, it puts a judgement of value that means that one has to be put down for the other to shine. In other words, Vil as a character is undervalued because his way of life - which matches traditionally feminine occupations, hell he’s even using a feminine pronoun - has been associated with vanity, narcissism, and superficiality by the fandom. To get my point across, let me provide you with quotes from some of our most brilliant minds:

“Woman wants to be independent […] this is one of the worst developments in the general uglification of Europe. Woman has so much reason for shame; in woman there is concealed so much superficiality, petty presumption and petty immodesty – one needs only to study her behaviour with children!” - Nietzsche

“What is truth to a woman? From the very first nothing has been more alien, repugnant, inimical to woman than truth - her great art is the lie, her supreme concern is appearance and beauty” - Nietzsche (again)

“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” - Oscar Wilde 

“All the pursuits of men are the pursuits of women also, but in all of them a woman is inferior to a man.” - Plato

“As regards the sexes, the male is by nature superior and the female inferior, the male ruler and the female subject” - Aristotle

Do you see where I’m going with that? Because he has an occupation focused on appearance, something historically associated with women, Vil should be… Less? Should be negative? Even though he is quite vocal about it being a mere result of a much deeper work on himself, throughout his voicelines, lesson chats and personal stories? It’s not vanity, it’s not narcissism. It’s Vil expressing himself through the age old art forms of fashion, skincare and makeup. How, and why it being focused on something external should be less? It’s especially obvious when you stop and consider Vil’s own testimony: he has been ostracized by his own community for being a performer. His appearance is as much a mask as it is a proof of everything that preceded it – him saving himself with his own means and work. It’s both a protection and a result that he proudly brandishes – and he absolutely can afford the arrogance to do so, considering his achievements at such a young age (reminder, again, that he’s 18 years old, despite being very disillusioned with life already). Why should it be less that? Vil’s inclination towards appearances is both his truth and his fiction, that’s what the narrative tells us - and there’s nothing bad about that.

I guess I’m especially tired of this point because I’ve had to deal with that thinking pattern myself irl, for evolving in similar fields/similar hobbies, and it’s frustrating to see that sort of close mindedness. It’s infuriating. So, that’s a more personal aspect of my rant... But here we are.

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twst #pomefiore #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #epel felmier #now that pomefiore is deemed a fashionable dorm by the fandom lol

[msfcatlover]

Me: *rereads my old Portal fics*

Me: “Y’know, some of these are still pretty good! Maybe I should replay the games, and give writing these another shot...”

My brain, always ready with AUs and my latest hyperfixation: TMA crossover with Jon as Caroline, but he doesn’t lose himself in the upload process.

Me: “I... I don’t know if that would work...”

My brain, refusing to be derailed: His robot name could be “Self-aware Intelligent Machine Simulation.” SIMS for short.

Me: “That’s not a great robot name.”

My brain: No worse than “Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System.”

Me: “.......Fair.”

My brain: Testing is like statements; he doesn’t want to like it, but it’s addictive and eventually he kinda needs it to stay sane. He regularly gets in trouble for trying to make the tests less dangerous for the test subjects, because like... draining the acid out of the acid pit ruins the integrity or something.

My brain: It actually makes no difference, but obviously Jonah is Cave in this crossover. He’s researching immortality, and this is just one of the ways he keeps Jon under control.

Me: “Elias was his first attempt?”

My brain: Yeah, but it was just a brain transplant. Now he’s worried about the integrity of his brain itself, I mean, physically it’s getting pretty old. And it’s not like aging is fun anyway.

Me: “So, I assume Martin’s Chell then.”

My brain: Obviously.

Me: “Obviously. Where does everyone else fit?”

My brain: Daisy and Basira are trying to get the whole company shut down for horrible human rights violations, but are struggling to find evidence. They go undercover as test subjects, only to realize they’re in too deep and have to fight for survival.

My brain: Melanie’s a reporter, supposedly doing a profile on Jonah, but secretly investigating all the disappearances that keep happening amongst the staff. Georgie brought her in on the case when Jon stopped answering all calls.

Me: “Tim and Sasha?”

My brain: Scientists, were on the same team as Jon. Might get kicked down to test subjects for asking too many questions about his “transfer to the AI department.”

Me: “Wait. All of this is pre-fall-of-Aperture. Doesn’t that take a lot of the punch out of making Jon our GLaDOS equivalent?”

My brain: ..............................

My brain: Mid-fall-of-Aperture. Terribly understaffed, running out of money, the “AI department” is literally just Jon on the paperwork, Jonah’s desperately pushing the testing/experiments to figure out the limits of brain-uploading before he loses access to the equipment.

Me: “I don’t think that scans.”

My brain: Sure it does! What’s the testing in the games even for anyways? It’s all cognitive, the portal gun itself only gets used in a handful of different ways.

My brain: Now the testing is specifically there to stress Jon out and test the stability of his personality matrix; no point in uploading yourself if the first major issue you run into corrupts your code or causes a major error. It puts Jon through the wringer, even zapping him with viruses and stuff, to ensure the process works, because Jonah doesn’t have the time or supplies for more than one test subject.

Me: “......huh.”

My brain, getting more excited: Merge the Eye-pocalypse and Prentiss attacks! Some sort of biological agent gets loose in the facility, and Jon hacks the security system to try and stop it. Any hermetically sealed area of the facility gets locked down, and he gasses the rest of the facility to keep the contaminants from spreading.

My brain: But they’re underground and the ventilation system isn’t the best maintained, so he can’t risk letting anyone out for fear they’ll get poisoned too. Just has to wait for the gas to rise up out of the facility on its own.

Me: “OH! So from the perspective of everyone in the testing tracks, this AI has just gone completely rogue and taken over the facility, killing a whole bunch of people and trapping them inside!”

Me: “I bet Jonah’s office is basically a fortress, and he still has security access to cameras and intercom, so he just eggs them on. Because this is an insurance nightmare, he wants to upload himself ASAP, so Jonah tells them there’s a manual override procedure for SIMS, but he can’t do it alone. They need to get through the testing, reach the central control chamber, and help him deactivate SIMS before they’ll be able to leave the facility. But actually, he’s planning to delete Jon entirely and replace him in the mainframe!”

My brain: Like the bastard he is.

Me: “So now, everyone’s in this weird limbo of trying to figure out what to do and who to trust. I mean, obviously in the AI apocalypse you want to trust your fellow humans, and SIMS did just gas the whole facility and trapped them in the testing tracks, but on the other hand ‘Elias’ is a shady bastard and SIMS isn’t always that bad?”

Me: “Like, sure, it can be pushy about testing and you can’t expect a robot to be good at emotions, but sometimes it’ll do something like ask for a verbal check-in because they’ve been down there a while and that can be psychologically hard on most humans? Someone complains about food, and SIMS sounds almost genuine when apologizing for not having anything else that can be safely transported to the testing tracks at this time. Once, Martin found a corner away from the cameras to take a nap in, and he’d swear SIMS was actually panicking over not being able to find Martin when he woke up.”

My brain: Tim and Sasha make snide, tired jokes about Jon giving the damn thing all his social awkwardness, as well as his name and voice (for some god-awful, unknowable reason.) They don’t want to let SIMS endear itself to them, knowing it probably killed Jon.

Me: “No, no, knowing that it killed Jon. They absolutely ask at some point if Jon’s okay and are told that amongst the however-many living staff members that are left, Jonathan Sims is not amongst them. What else are they to assume, other than that Jon’s been gassed by his own creation?”

My brain: Oooh...

Me: “Martin’s the only one who actually feels endeared to SIMS by the time they meet up, partially because he’s the only one who was trapped alone. Tim and Sasha were together, and already have reason to hold a grudge. Daisy, Basira, and Melanie met up early and spend a lot of free time fantasizing about smashing the damn computer when they find it.”

Me: “Martin was alone and he hates it, so he tries talking to SIMS, and is a little surprised when SIMS talks back. They’re not always pleasant conversations, SIMS can be curt and doesn’t have much personal info to share (being a computer and all,) but Martin does start to get a grasp on the situation as it must have at least appeared to SIMS when he pulled the lockdown-tigger. And for a supposedly evil computer, SIMS can be surprisingly helpful and seems almost as upset by the situation as the humans are.”

My brain: And there was that odd moment after Martin convinced SIMS to stop calling him “Mr. Blackwood,” and SIMS seemed almost flustered before very softly responding, “...Martin, then.”

Me: “Awww... please tell me Jon’s not actually dead, I need them to take him with them at the end...”

My brain: Suspended animation. The brain is still a vital part of the machine, but it never ages or degrades thanks to whatever combo of chemicals and cryosleep Jonah used to preserve him. Part of Jonah’s “manual override” involves adding a high-powered hard drive or four to replace the need for an organic brain, making full digitization possible.

Me: “But where’s he stored? He can’t just be strung up in the middle of the machine, that’d be unsustainable and Jonah would never let anyone within a hundred yards of it lest they realize the truth! A cryotank in a fake computer bank? A stasis tube hidden amongst the wiring, which they could discover while clambering about installing the hard drives?”

My brain: A cold room disguised as a locked closet or something, with the upload chair still inside of it? Only Jonah has the passcode, technically, and he was planning to go in while everyone else had their own tasks to do, just shove Jon’s body out and plug himself in, leaving Jon to finally die on the floor just a short distance from his friends while Jonah replaced him in the machine, removed the safeties, and escaped into the internet?

Me: “Oh, and Jon gave them a universal override or something to get them out of a dangerous situation towards the end! It actually leaves half the group feeling pretty low, having the thing they’re trying to destroy just hand them the key to its destruction out of pure, innocent trust.”

Me: “Then while Jonah’s distracted giving out instructions, Martin (useless with computers,) wanders over and opens the door, letting out a gust of cold air with a hiss. Martin coughs on the escaping gasses, and Jonah rushes to say that the cold room is very delicate, and ought not to be tampered with by people who don’t know what they’re doing—“

My brain: —but Martin blinks back the stinging, shock-induced tears, eyes adjusting to the dark of the closet and gasps.

Me: “And Martin’s only ever seen Jon in passing, really, they never properly worked together. But he was a little sweet on him even back then, and he’s heard the stories from Tim and Sasha, and he’s spent the last several weeks getting to know SIMS...”

My brain: ...He quickly calls Tim and Sasha over to confirm, just in case he’s got it wrong somehow. They’re just as shocked that Jon’s in there, with all his notes tucked away behind him revealing what really happened. Jonah tries to talk his way out of it, but is quickly arrested by Basira and Daisy.

Me: “Sasha finishes the notes first and makes her way back out. She’s shaking, overwhelmed with rage and grief and horror, and punches ‘Elias’ so hard he falls to the floor.”

My brain: Jonah starts to say something about assault, but Melanie congratulates Sasha for stopping him and Basira, completely deadpan, adds, “We all saw him make a break for it.”

Me: “Jonah shuts the fuck up.”

My brain: Part of SIMS’ programming was not being allowed to answer to “Jon” anymore. He never outright denies being Jon, just corrects people that he is the Self-aware Intelligent Machine Simulation. Tim finishes the notes, makes it to the cold room door, looks into the nearest camera and shakily asks, “Jon?”

Me: “For the first time, there’s a solid three beat pause before the intercom answers, softly and less robotically than before, ‘...Yes, Tim?’”

My brain: Tim starts crying.

Me: “Of course he does! He’s been grieving Jon for weeks at this point, trying not to let it show just how sad and angry he was that it all ended like this, and now it turns out that not only is Jon alive, he never actually left them at all! All those months thinking Jon ghosted them, left them behind in R&D for greener pastures, and Jon was all-but-dead in a cold room the whole time, and none of them ever knew! The relief, the joy, the guilt, the lingering bitter grief and rage, it’s overwhelming. Who wouldn’t cry?”

My brain: It takes them a few days to figure out the download procedure to return Jon to his body, especially since Jonah can’t be trusted on this front. Tim and Sasha are the techies, and they recruit Melanie and Basira for extra hands. (Martin’s still terrible with machines, and Daisy needs to watch Jonah to make sure he doesn’t escape.)

My brain: Martin, feeling useless, stays by Jon’s side in the cold room.

Me: “When Jon wakes up, Martin’s the first thing he sees.”

My brain: Martin sees him moving, meets his eyes, and gasps, “Jon?” Jon nods and tries to say something, but his throat is dry and his voice won’t work. Martin scrambles to get him a glass of water and steadies Jon’s hands as he drinks it. When he lowers the glass, Martin cautiously asks if Jon’s feeling better.

Me: “Jon just smiles and answers, ‘You said my name.’”

My brain: Martin’s confused. “What else would I call you?”

Me: “Jon shakes his head. ‘I just... don’t think I’ve heard you say it before. Certainly not to me. It’s... nice.’”

My brain: Martin laughs helplessly and says it again. “Jon.” Jon’s smile brightens, and Martin can’t help stepping closer, repeating Jon’s name again. Jon laughs along.

Me: “It’s on instinct that Martin takes the empty glass and sets it to the side, leans over the chair, touches Jon’s shoulder, cups his cheek. He hesitates when they’re nose to nose, breathing the same air, shockingly warm even when Jon’s skin is still cold to the touch. He meets Jon’s eyes and swallows. ‘Is this okay?’”

My brain: Close enough to feel the small, inaudible gasp before Jon whispers, “Please.”

Me: “They only get one short kiss in before the door opens and Tim makes a scandalized noise before loudly declaring this unfair and blatant favoritism. Martin all but jumps away, but Jon just rolls his eyes and thanks Tim for saving him. As the others pile in —Sasha claiming she did all the work, Basira needing to know if Jon’s up for making an official statement, Melanie both needing to pass on a message from Georgie and wanting an exclusive interview for her expose— Martin can already feel himself fading into the background, even as he and Tim help Jon to his feet.”

My brain: At least until Jon lingers, fingers lightly resting against Martin’s arm, and looks up at him with hope in his eyes. “Later?”

Me: “Martin’s not entirely sure what Jon’s asking (Jon isn’t really either,) but he agrees anyway. He doesn’t even hesitate.”

My brain:

Me:

My brain:

Me:

My brain:

Me: “.....WELL FUCK.”

My brain, smug despite it being 4:30am: Told you it was a good idea.

Me: “I hate you so much.”

#tma #the magnus archives #tma fanfic #portal #jonathan sims #jarchavist #jon sims #tma jon #tma fic #portal fic #portal fanfic #my life #mine #my writing #tma: all about jon #tma: martin #tma s1 crew #tma expanded social circle #tma: the asshole in charge

[inawickedlittletown]

Buck and Maddie in 4x03 - meta

Notes: the first of my meta for this episode...obviously there be spoilers here.  

-

There are all these secrets surrounding Buck. First we have the whole thing with the “covid crush” and the reveal that it’s actually a therapist. And I really really love that for Buck. I love the perspective that this is given in normalizing therapy and in Buck having realized that not only is it healthy and normal, but that it would help him. And we can see that in how despite hiding it for a while, Buck does come clean about it to Maddie and Chimney. We’ve seen that this is something he wants to keep close to the vest, that he isn’t fully comfortable talking about and I like to think that he gets to the point of wanting to come clean about it due to the therapy. 

The response he gets is interesting. 

Chimney’s makes sense, he points out that all of them have been to therapy due to their jobs and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. We know that Maddie has and Chimney implies he too has had his time in therapy. But also, we know Buck has as well. Back in S1 where he was sexually assaulted and in S3, he heavily implies that he had gone to see Frank at some point or at least knew him.  

Maddie, however, immediately grows concerned. It’s understandable because for someone to need therapy there must be something wrong and Buck was hiding it. But Maddie immediately asks “why did you lie” instead of “why didn’t you tell us” which makes it seem like Buck was the one to tell them he was dating someone whereas the past couple of episodes have clearly shown us that it is Chimney and Maddie that keep pressing Buck about his “covid crush” without him confirming it and outrightly denying it. He never lied. He just didn’t tell them what he was doing. He’s an adult and he has a right to his privacy especially with something this personal. So right off the back, Maddie’s response isn’t the best. 

“It’s not about the job. It’s about me...everyone has issues,” Buck says and Chimney makes light of it by pointing out that maybe parents should have a fund for therapy instead of school for their kids. 

I really love what Chim says here because he is trying to lighten the moment, but he also brings up the idea that parents screw up their kids and that they’re the ones likely at blame for those kids growing up to need therapy. Chimney at this point doesn’t really know anything about the Buckley parents and yet he is insightful. He’s right on the nose on all of it. 

The moment is tinged with awkwardness that mostly seems to come from Maddie. Chimney is acting normal and Buck is acting as normal as someone that shared something major and personal should be. Maddie, though, is bothered. And for someone like Maddie who was a nurse and who personally knows how therapy can help and who has gone through multiple different therapies, she is very put off by Buck speaking to a therapist. It’s very unlike Maddie. 

And then Maddie goes to see Buck at his place. She shows up unexpectedly, seems to have some idea that Buck wasn’t comfortable talking about the therapy thing with Chimney even though it was Buck that brought up the therapy thing in the first place and the whole scene just seems like Maddie is waiting for Buck to come out and tell her that there is some real traumatic reason for it. Even when Buck tells her there is nothing to tell she expects something and then Buck says “It’s all your fault” and Maddie’s face gives away some surprise. Her “what” is full of shock and she’s expecting something other than Buck saying that she called him “sad and lonely”, but she relaxes then. 

Buck explains himself. He talks about Abby and about how he didn’t stop being sad or lonely after talking to her and about how he does know he has people but that it doesn’t stop him from wondering if he won’t have them at some point. He can’t trust that he’ll keep his family which says more about the people that have been in Buck’s life that have left him than about Buck even if Buck might see it differently. 

Then Buck says: “The world is an uncertain place. You have to protect yourself. Thanks, mom and dad.” And all of that is connected, right? So is this something that their parents taught them? Not by trying to protect their kids from the world but by they themselves being the thing they needed to be protected from? 

I have never subscribed to the idea that the Buckley parents were abusive and in this episode we are told they were not. But we know from Buck later on that they weren’t good with kids, that they were more interested in each other, and so it seems obvious that what Buck feels is abandonment from the two people that should never have made him feel that way. Buck has expressed feelings of being left behind before when saying to Maddie that he’s the one left behind in S3. So, he’s learned to not hold onto people or trust that they will remain because he’s used to being left. All of this is very consistent with his character. He’s been left by his parents, by Maddie, by Abby, by Ally...and who knows who else during the time before the 118. 

Maddie seems insistent on wanting to help Buck which is great except that it’s also strange that she almost doesn’t seem to believe that therapy is the right answer. It makes me wonder about what Maddie thinks Buck will find by talking to a therapist. She asks him if he’s told their parents about the therapy which implies that both Buck and Maddie are at least communicating with their parents regularly enough. It also gives us this idea that Maddie expects a certain type of reaction from their parents about Buck seeing a therapist. Which leads to the question of what type of thing — perhaps some sort of buried memory — Maddie expects to come out. 

Buck says, “You know how they are” to explain why he hasn’t said anything and the parents and goes on to explain that he’s fine and wants to be “finer”. Maddie isn’t reassured and Buck tells her that she can’t fix this for him and goes on to tell her that they are the same and that he always thought she was sad too. This implies that whatever this big secret is, it has a big impact on Maddie too except that she actually knows what it is. 

This scene is a little strange. It’s very clear that Maddie has info that she isn’t sharing and very concerned with and also that Buck doesn’t suspect a thing and that he just wants to be a better person and find himself. To be honest, Maddie’s concern is very strange to me. I don’t know what to expect in terms of what kind of thing Buck could uncover by going to therapy? There can’t be much that fits the bill. 

“What everything you do to protect someone, ends up hurting them?” Maddie asks Chimney later on and this is very clearly about Buck even if she frames it to be about fear in what she will be like as a mother and a fear of not doing right by her kids. Obviously that fear is real, but it’s all connected to Buck. The Buckley parents do get mentioned and we get a repeat of what Maddie said in S3,  “They’re not bad people, just bad parents” which sounds like a rehearsed line that Maddie has been using her entire life. Chim is quick to reassure her and the moment is lovely in terms of their relationship and yet it leaves Chim wondering what he can do for Maddie to really reassure her so much so that he goes to Buck to ask him about his and Maddie’s parents. 

Chimney’s approach by letting know Buck that he doesn’t have to answer speaks to how much Chim cares about Buck and respects him despite all the teasing he imparts on Buck. Buck says that his sex life is more interesting than his parents. It’s news to Buck that Maddie fears being like their parents with her baby. Buck explains that it felt like their parents were miles away, absent, not great with kids, and that they were an average dysfunctional family. In many ways very normal and yet it is so clear that Maddie knows more about this. And we get Buck telling Chim they weren’t abusive, we’re back to the “good people but bad parents” thing. 

Maddie calls her mom. It’s a bit awkward and Maddie immediately gives us the information that they usually text or e-mail, so clearly Maddie felt this was important enough to warrant a phone call. Maddie is very defensive the entire phone call and clearly uncomfortable. What irks me is that Maddie expects her mom to either be in better communication with Buck and already know about the therapy and that when worried about her brother she talks to her mom who has been established as distant and not a part of her or Buck’s life. And then, Maddie tells her mom about Buck being in therapy and I wish we knew what the mom is saying, but Maddie is clearly unhappy about it and yet just like Maddie, the mom expects therapy to bring out new information for Buck in some way unrelated to him being told directly. 

I do wonder at Maddie deciding to tell her mom about the therapy when she was aware that Buck was only just recently comfortable with her knowing what he was doing. It’s such a breach of privacy for Maddie to share that information. And while there is context for why she is doing so, I just don’t find that necessary. Not when Buck clearly doesn’t know what the secret is and when Buck in that earlier scene told her he hadn’t spoken to their parents because of how they are? So how does any of that tell Maddie that it’s okay for her to share that information?

I wonder about Maddie needing her mom to approve Buck finding out the secret or feeling like she needs permission to tell him about the secret. All of it is fishy. All we know is that Buck has been lied to his entire life because that is what Maddie says to her mom over the phone. 

There are a lot of theories as to the secret. So far all we know is that Oliver Stark debunked the idea that Maddie was actually Buck’s mom. There are theories about Buck maybe being adopted, about Buck repressing something traumatic that happened when he was young, and there really are a lot of possibilities but the main thing I wonder about is what kind of thing would be unearthed in therapy. 

After all, Maddie’s reaction is more about her fear that Buck already knew and that was his reason for therapy, but the fear goes deep enough that she actually believes him in therapy will bring this up and I don’t know if this is just Maddie’s guilt for keeping something from Buck or the pregnancy hormones, but it really feels unnecessary. If she really wanted to keep protecting Buck and keeping him in the dark, she shouldn’t have been talking to her mom about Buck or letting the whole thing get to her in a way that makes Chim want to ask questions. 

Maddie does, by the end of the episode, decide to fill Chimney in on what she’s hiding by immediately saying that she’s trying to protect someone. Buck. Maddie tells Chim because they’re going to be a family and so she shouldn’t hide things from him and depending on what it turns out to be I hope that it isn’t something that Buck should have had the privilege of hearing first before Maddie went and told anyone else. Also interesting is that Maddie says family shouldn’t hide things from each other when there’s been a giant secret hanging over the Buckley family with everyone but Buck being aware of it. 

Ultimately, I am very very curious and I love this focus that Buck’s gotten especially when it concerns his past since this is everything that the fans have wanted. We’re getting this build up towards Buck Begins and I am so here for it.

#911 fox #911 meta #evan buckley #maddie buckley #911 on fox #meta #spoilers #911 spoilers