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#this is why i like just calling myself gay. nice umbrella term
submalevolentgrace · 2 years
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if i say "the queer community", i am referring to the community of self identified queers. if you're not a self identified queer, then i wasn't talking about you!
"i don't like to be called queer because it hurt me!" cool, fine, whatever. the word gay hurt me, i get it. but see, i didn't actually call you queer, i was talking about, and this might be difficult to follow; people who like being queer! that's why i said "queer community", to refer to the broad community of queers.
"but i'm gay/lesbian/bi/ace/whatever and i don't like it being used as an umbrella term!" okay, cool. if someone forces you under an umbrella you don't like that sure does suck! i hate being forced under the "LBGT+" umbrella myself. i absolutely loathed "trans*", i get it, trust me. i would like to draw your attention to the fact that i just said "queer community", which explicit in text and implicit in meaning, refers to a community of people... bare with me here.... people who are queer. if you do not consider yourself queer.... then it wasn't about you. it was about me and my community.
"but i know what group you're talking about and it applies to me too!" okay but you see that, you see that you're putting yourself under the umbrella there right? and then complaining about it, right? it's not my fault you decided it was about you? you're always going "it's okay for you to use, but" and then attack us when we do use it for ourselves, by shoving yourself under an imagined umbrella of your construction, hurting us in the shove, and then screaming like you were forced in here.
"but it's a--" listen.
listen to me.
you might think i'm being obstinant and maybe i am a little! but i'm trying to illuminate a point here. you've constructed an idea in your head of "us" as a monolith, a singular group that you want covered by a singular umbrella with a singular term; and you've decided that this "us" group - including you - is who i'm talking about right now, and then you've gotten shitty at me for using a word you don't like for an idea you projected over my words.
but here's the secret: there is no singular group like that. there is no monolith. there is no singular cohesive "us". there's just people, individuals with infinite experiences and selves and sexualities and genders and loves and all these beautiful things, and sometimes when we're similar enough we band together into groups and pick labels; gay, trans, queer, rainbow, whatever. these are just names, names for imagined groups, imagined groups with fake made up boundaries! people will argue there are definitions, gay means this, lesbian means that; but people will always disagree, so the names expand and the groups get broader. msm, wlw, bi, pan, genderqueer, rainbow quiltbag alphabet soup!
and you can expand and contact and refine and broaden but you will never cover everyone. at some point, you have to just accept letting people self define, and decide if they want to be in the group. if you have a "gay" group, the socially straight msm will get shitty at being called gay and it's not the fault of either the gays or the word "gay" that they're not included! people will expand and stretch and redefine and shrink, all these groups and labels will ebb and flow as different people have different needs and want to include - and exclude!- different people for their communities.
but some of "us", many generations ago, got sick and tired of constantly redefining labels and groups and decided to pick a nice word for ourselves and welcome anyone who liked it to use it, and that's queer. maybe it was already a slur that we reclaimed, maybe it was already our word before it became a slur, maybe it was just common slang for someone a little unusual and oddball and we liked that! historians both academic and communal disagree! it doesn't even matter, it's our word; "our" being anyone who likes it. if you like "queer" and want to be queer and respect the existing queers, you're welcome. and generation after generation, we pass it on for anyone to use, to say: it's okay not to box yourself in, it's okay not to define yourself down to the molecule, it's okay to be free, to come and go, to love and be whatever. it's our sanctuary. you are queer if you want to be queer. that is the gift that was given to me by the queers that came before me, i will gift it in turn to anyone that wants to carry it forwards. not everyone has to be queer, but we chose to be.
and you motherfuckers.
you motherfuckers keep smashing through the windows of our sanctuary, declaring it to be your umbrella, scream about slurs like we've never been hurt in our lives, and then hurl violence and vitriol at us because you personally hate being inside our sanctuary and want the entire structure destroyed and rebuilt for you.
fuck you.
i suffered through years of torment and abuse being called gay and having it spat at me with hate, being berated in church for questioning love, being screamed at and beaten by family and classmates and having them spit - literally - the word gay at me. i suffered through it, i survived it, i flourished to spite it and was embraced by queers who taught me love for myself and gave me safe sanctuary in this beautiful, ambiguous word, and you don't get to take that away from me.
if i say "us queers" and you come at me about how it hurts you and start yelling about umbrellas and slurs: 1) i wasn't fucking talking about you, 2) you're not part of my community and don't get to tell me what i call it, and 3) you are the fucking problem here, you are the one doing the hurting right now.
when you come into my community of queers and tell me that our sanctuary is "a slur", you are indistinguishable to me from the people spitting "gay" as they beat me.
if you're gay as in happy, you're free to be that and i won't stop you or tell you your whole core is a slur. you pick whatever umbrella you want to imagine for yourself, and i'll probably chose not to stand under it.
because i am queer. as in fuck. you.
and you will have to kill me to stop me being queer
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sapricorn · 29 days
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hello cyan!
i've been on a hunt for people's top 10 lists! would you be so kind as to share with me your faves for these? i'd really appreciate it!
a) movies b) shows (anime included) c) games (mobile included) d) books (manga not included :( ) e) music artists
i know it's a lengthy ask but if you would find the time for these, i would appreciate it so much really! <3
q.
Hello Q! I'm sorry it took me so long to respond, you gave me much to think about! Don't know why you collect these answers but I hope you enjoy them!
Some categories were hard to figure out but it was nice trying to remind myself my favorites.
a) top 10 movies
Princess Mononoke (1997) (easy pick, I love this one the most)
Dead Poet Society (1989)
Indiana Jones series (1981-1989) (I can stomach the Crystal Skull but I'd rather not to?)
Lord of The Rings series (2001-2003)
Pelíšky/Cozy Dens (1999) (A Czech movie that literally means Christmas to me - it is a must to watch with my dad on Christmas Eve, the only tradition about that day that I actually enjoy, it's full of czech humour and history)
Noc na Karlštejně/A Night at Karlstein (1974) (Another Czech movie, or actually a musical that I know all the songs to, seen an adaptation in theatre and it was lit as fuck)
Angélique series (1964-1968) (quite a questionable movie series in terms of sexual themes and women's rights but I do attribute my queer awakening to this character and that needs to wield some weight)
Children of Men (2006)
Batman (2005-2012 Nolan Trilogy)
Isle of Dogs (2018) (the first time I went over to my girlfriend's, we watched this... amazing movie, amazing memory.. amazing girlfriend <3)
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(my practice animation of a Princess Mononoke scene for English class)
b1) top 10 shows (no anime)
(I don't watch that many shows that are not anime so this list is not really most to least favorite - only the top 3 are sorted, the rest is just written out)
Avatar: The Last Airbender (animated, not the Netflix one)
Castlevania
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Game of Thrones
The Boys
Invincible
The 100 (the first few seasons, the ending is insane, me not likey)
Helluva Boss
Arcane
The Umbrella Academy
b2) top 10 shows (only anime)
Wolf's Rain (watched it once years ago... will never watch it again because it causes me anguish, I love it though)
Yuri!! on Ice (it's a once-a-month watch)
Dr. Stone (during exam season I play it on repeat: 1st+2nd season on day 1, Ryuusui Special+3rd season on day 2, repeat!)
The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.
The 86
Sasaki To Miyano (healing my little gay heart)
Ao No Exorcist (I love the manga and the movie!!! show is just okay)
Death Note
Kimetsu no Yaiba (the first manga I've ever read from start to finish was this one and therefore the show holds a special place in my heart - also the quote on most my sites: "Growing old and dying is the beauty of the fleeting creature called a human being" is from the manga and also hanging on my wall, it's my fave manga panel ever)
SK8 The Infinity
Honorable mentions: Boku No Hero Academia, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Jujutsu Kaisen, Trigun & Trigun Stampede, 91 Days, Bungo Stray Dogs, Black Clover, Gintama, Link Click, Heaven Official's Blessing :)
c) top 10 games
(going to be completely honest...I have not played a single video game before 2019 - my family thinks games cause rotten brains and I agree with that statement, at the same time I love games.. justf FYI I am very inexperienced)
(another note: I LOVE open worlds - I like climbing shit and falling off cliffs, I love going on my own and fighting shit and solving puzzles)
Genshin Impact
Assassin's Creed (I love Brotherhood, have and like 2nd and Odyssey, have but haven't played Syndicate yet, HATE Unity [the controls suck ass], I watched some gameplay of other games, I love the series overall)
Honkai: Star Rail
The Witcher
Tears of Themis (I try and play alot of games like this but they don't have Vyn Richter so what's the point of them really? [insert megamind meme: no vyn richter?])
Minecraft (I like building, and one of my last memories with one of my besties was from multiplayer, I have our last world saved with a mausoleum in the place of his spawn - it keeps precious memories)
NU:Carnival (the fashion is offensively awesome, big inspiration for my character designs sometimes)
Legend of Zelda (sounds and looks like a game I would love but I have yet to experience it on my own)
The Silent Age (first game I owned on my own and played start to finish without anybody else's input, it's very simple and somewhat boring but I like the vibe and I like the independence I felt while playing it)
Destiny 2 (my PC has issues running it but I absolutely love it, also I have like 40 gifs of myself just dancing in this game..)
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d) top 10 books
Krysař/The Ratcatcher by Viktor Dyk (1915) (fell in love with this Czech required reading book during middle school, read it again for high school finals, still love it to this day)
Demian by Hermann Hesse (1919)
Sandman Slim by Richard Kadrey - the series has I think 12 books running 2009-2021 but I only have the first 3 (2009-2011) however they deserve to be on this list since I've read them like 13 times)
Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard by Rick Riordan (2015-2017) (I also enjoy his series with egyptian gods but Magnus Chase slayed)
The Inheritance Cycle: Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance by Christopher Paolini (2003-2011)
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis (1950-1956)
Lady Pokingham Or They All Do It by allegedly Oscar Wilde (1879) (it's an erotica, a guilty pleasure of mine)
Smrt Krásných Srnců/Death of Beautiful Roebucks by Ota Pavel (1971) (another Czech gem really)
Note to Self by Connor Franta (2017)
Witch Hat Atelier by Kamome Shirahama (2016-present) (I know you said no manga, but it's so beautiful! I even used it as a reference literature to my bachelor thesis - I HAVE to include it!)
e) top 10 music artists
(this list was an absolute struggle, I don't listen to music that much, and since my girlfriend has just such a great taste in music I mostly don't focus on anything and just go along with their recs)
Stray Kids (a remnant of high school days when I listened to alot of kpop - I still listen to some others but Stray Kids are precious to me)
Silverchair (my favorite rock band)
bbno$
Citizen Soldier (some of their music quite literally kept me alive through some rough nights)
Lemon Demon [two trucks holding hands~, two trucks holding hands~, the passion, the passion, is more than I can withstand~~]
Takayan (たかやん)
CORPSE!
Grim Salvo
grandson
Nathan Wagner
I do listen to a lot of anime opening songs, and movie or game soundtracks and also to literally anything you make into nightcore version lmao.
Anyway, that's all I have <3 Thank you for this ask, Q!
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sevdrag · 3 years
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You know, I had a suspicion who the "bad comment" on the GO Season 2 post would be, and I was right. But then again, this is the same person who called the first season queerbaiting because, IIRC, their straight friends didn't see a love story.
i'm not looking to do a public callout, cause i mean, their opinion is valid (even if their response was ... kind of nonsensical), but i'm also not surprised at that.
i mean, look, we can talk about gaybaiting specifically if we want, and in this case it's pretty much always cis male allosexual gaybaiting people want to focus on. and it isn't like it doesn't happen, you know? look at supernatural; look at sherlock; look at ... oh fuck idk i dont know anything about society i am just in my house. anyway. sure, it would be nice to have more cis gay men kissing. if that's what people take away from good omens i might shake my head a little bit and roll my eyes a lot bit but ... well. okay!
i'm using gaybaiting rather than queerbaiting on purpose. because good omens is very much a queer love story.
the queer umbrella is there for gays, and it's there for trans and genderqueer and agender people, and it's there for asexual and demisexuals, and that's just the first five things i thought of; the queer umbrella includes all of it. so people who yell queerbaiting at good omens when a lot of us - myself, a cis queer lady, included! - saw a great love story? i dunno. seems a bit narrowminded, and also smacks a bit of "i didnt see what *I* wanted therefore yall is homophobic" which is... a pathway to gross.
if people want more explicit cis male allosexual relationships, that's fine - let's talk about that! but don't throw a bunch of other queers underneath the bus to Oxford.
the queer umbrella is a great term, but representation for different people under the umbrella is going to look different. we all need to get used to that!
im wondering whether -- okay, so straight friends who watched the show didn't see Aziraphale and Crowley in love? deep abiding love that spans several different archetypes of love itself? i'd be interested in whether the conversation afterwards explored why these straight watchers didn't think they were devoted to each other, or if we jumped the shark directly to gaybaiting.
ANYWAY theyre queer and in love your honor sorry i have to go write words for pay
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a-dragons-journal · 3 years
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Call me old and disliking of change but it's finally occurred to me why I dislike the term "alterhuman" - it's too broad, quite frankly. It lacks any sort of cohesion; if you are otherin/therian, hold on to those terms! I fear for the day when "alterhuman" takes over entirely, and it becomes far harder to educate people on what otherkin/therians are, since at that point we'd be lumped in with everyone who doesn't feel 100% human, for whatever reason.
I definitely take your point and see where you’re coming from, but I would argue that’s the point of the term “alterhuman.” Alterhuman is to otherkin as queer is to gay; the former of each pair is supposed to be an extremely broad umbrella term. The idea is to get across the point of “not quite fully “normal human”” without having to explain a million facets of identity for those whose identity is complicated. The alterhuman label isn’t and was never meant to replace the otherkin label.
For example - I don’t use “alterhuman” to label myself personally (though I’m not opposed to being included in it) because “otherkin” or “dragon” is very simple and easy to understand. But then, if the only aspect of my queerness was “asexual,” I probably also wouldn’t actively use the “queer” label even though I’m not opposed to being included in it. I use “queer” because it’s easier to say “queer” and get across the point of “not cishet” in one word than it is to say “asexual/gray-aromantic and nonbinary” or, even longer, “asexual/gray-aromantic and agenderflux” and have to give four to six vocabulary lessons every time I come out to someone. If I weren’t just a dragon, but were also, say, fictionhearted, had multiple kintypes, included my daemonism and furry fandom in my alterhumanity, and had copinglinks - yeah, it might be easier to just say “alterhuman” and get across the point in one word than to list all those things out every time.
All that being said - I definitely understand being worried that it’ll only get harder to educate people about otherkinity, but personally I think it’s wrong to blame the word “alterhuman” for that. Just because a broader umbrella term exists doesn’t mean people aren’t still familiar with the more common terms that fall under it. :P I’m more of the opinion that that’s caused by people purposely or accidentally misusing otherkin terminology (ie, “kinning to cope/for fun”) and spreading misinformation in the process.
And, of course, if you don’t like the term alterhuman for yourself, you’re not obligated to use it! That’s the nice thing about personal identifiers; you can use or not use them as you’re comfortable with. Like I said, I don’t either, because it doesn’t make my life easier. But that doesn’t mean it’s not extremely useful for some people. :3
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Dr. Lauren Beach was 14 years old when she/they first came out as bisexual. Beach revealed the truth to friends and curious classmates at her/their suburban Michigan high school. The reactions varied, but not many were affirming.
"I experienced a lot of people who eroticized my attraction to femme people. It's like, 'oh, you're bi. That's so hot,'" says Beach, who has a Ph.D. in molecular, cellular, developmental biology and genetics.
Other friends asked Beach if she/they were doing it for attention. Beach says only three people, including Beach, at her/their school were openly out as queer. Instead of being embraced by them, Beach received flak for her/their sexuality.
"One of the other people there who was queer was like, 'You're a fence sitter! You're a switcher. You can't be trusted, you might date men after dating me," recalls Beach.
This kind of biphobia, which perpetuates stereotypes, hatred, and prejudices about bisexual people, is not uncommon — even (or sometimes especially) within the queer community. Stigma against bisexual people stems from a larger culture of homophobia, Rory Gory, digital marketing manager of the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ youth suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization, wrote in an email to Mashable.
"Since bisexuals often move between straight and queer spaces, they are subjected to both homophobia and biphobia," Gory explains.
Bisexual people make up a sizable population within the LGBTQ community, given more than 50 percent of queer people in America identify as bisexual, according to the Williams Institute. The think tank does research on sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure stereotypes don't influence laws, policies, and judicial decisions. To be clear, bisexuality means a person is attracted to more than one gender. It doesn't mean bisexual people are more sexually active than others or going through a phase (two common myths).
As a teenager, Beach bought into stereotypes about bi people. But now 22 years later, she/they are a professor at Northwestern University where she/they focus on the health of bisexual people and works to dispel myths about them. Additionally, Beach co-founded the Chicago Bisexual Health Task Force, a coalition that advances the heath equity of bisexual people.
Mashable spoke with Beach, and representatives from advocacy organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), GLAAD, and the Trevor Project to learn about the unique challenges bisexual people face and how to be an ally.
1. View bisexual people as individuals
It's easy to lump a single group together but resist that trap. Like anyone else, bisexual people are individuals and their personalities and preferences vary. As Beach says, "there's not one single experience of bisexuality."
For example, Beach is asexual or ace. This means Beach doesn't experience sexual attraction, but she/they are romantically attracted to people across the gender spectrum. One can be both asexual and bi, with some asexual people preferring to identify as biromantic. Although many asexual people are not interested in having sex, some may choose to engage in sexual activity; asexual people can have varied preferences and experiences. Beach's experience doesn't mean all bisexual people feel the same way.
Getting to know more bisexual people can help scrub away your pre-conceived notions. You could already have friends who are bisexual and not know it. Be open about your intentions to learn so you can tear down your misconceptions about bisexual people, Beach recommends.
"You'd be surprised by how many people are like 'Oh, I'm actually bi. Let's talk," says Beach. "From understanding the breadth of experience, you personalize people."
2. Challenge negative stereotypes
As you expand your knowledge about bisexual people, speak up when you hear people perpetuating harmful misperceptions. Sometimes we don't even know we've absorbed negative stereotypes if we're not informed, says Mackenzie Hart, coordinator of GLAAD's Media Institute, which advises media, television, and film professionals on accurate LGBTQ representation.
An easy way to interject when you hear a myth about bisexual people is to say, "Actually, that's not true, my friend who is bisexual does not fit that stereotype," suggests Hart. It can also help to arm yourself with accurate statistics to further back up what you're saying, says Madeleine Roberts, HRC's assistant press secretary. HRC is a helpful resource for these stats.
"Barsexual" is a hurtful label often used to demean bisexual people. It refers to the incorrect belief that bisexual people will only interact with certain genders when they are intoxicated, explains Hart. It upholds the myth that bisexual women are actually straight as it implies they only flirt or make out with women when drunk. It also contributes to bi erasure, which GLAAD says happens when "the existence or legitimacy of bisexuality (either in general or in regard to an individual) is questioned or denied outright."
You should also push back against the harmful stereotypes that bisexuals can't be trusted to commit to a relationship, says Gory. "Embrace bisexuals as valid members of the [LGBTQ] community, rather than referring to them as 'allies' of the community."
Additionally, you can be an ally by understanding certain words and promoting proper usage. For example, you can clarify the difference between bisexual and bi+. Bi+ is an umbrella term inclusive of people who are pan, queer, fluid, and those who don't prefer labels. Use the full acronym of LGBTQ rather than gay as an umbrella term for queer people, explains Roberts. By taking these steps, you can "create spaces where people are hearing these words," says Hart.
3. Healthcare providers need to educate themselves
One time, a clinician asked Beach how many sex partners she/they had.
"I was like, OK, what do you mean by sex?" says Beach. The practitioner questioned why Beach would ask this. Beach told the clinician she/they are bisexual and, therefore, needed clarification about what sexual behavior she was referring to.
"She got really uncomfortable and said 'deep vaginal penetration,'" says Beach. "She started off guessing. She said, "you seem like a nice girl. So what is it, like one or two people?"" says Beach. The provider then said, “So, what you’re saying is more than 30 or 40 people.”
"It shows how someone [in a healthcare setting] can make this jump based on biphobic stereotypes of what my sexual behavior would be,” explains Beach.
After that encounter, Beach never went back to that doctor. To this day, Beach doesn’t have a designated primary care provider.
“I have to work up the emotional energy to want to go put myself through that potential experience," Beach says about seeking out healthcare.
Beach's experience isn't uncommon. Biphobia may discourage bisexual people from going to the doctor, with 39 percent of bisexual men and 33 percent of bisexual women reporting that they didn't disclose their sexual orientation to any medical provider, according to a 2012 study by the Williams Institute. Comparably, 13 percent of gay men and 10 percent of lesbians did not share their sexual orientation with a doctor.
Providers shouldn't presume anyone's sexual behavior because they know their sexual identity, says Beach. Hart echoes this advice. A doctor once asked Hart, "Are you seeing anyone?" Hart said no. She then asked, "If you were seeing anyone, would you be seeing a woman, a man, either, or other?" It wasn't perfect, Hart says, but asking open-ended questions that are inclusive of gender nonconforming people made Hart comfortable enough to see her again.
"Even if you aren't sure of certain words... you can make it clear you aren't going to be judgmental and you understand there's a wide array of experiences," says Hart.
4. Uplift bisexual people of color
Roberts recommends following prominent bi+ people of color on social media such as singer and actor Janelle Monáe, NFL player Ryan Russell, writer and transgender rights activist Raquel Willis, and politician Andrea Jenkins to become familiar with their lives. The next step is to share their stories with your friends and family.
At last year's Academy Awards, actor Rami Malek won Best Actor for his portrayal of British singer Freddie Mercury. Malek described Mercury as gay during his acceptance speech but Mercury was actually bisexual. Willis called out the bi erasure in a tweet.
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Of the four people Roberts listed, two (Willis and Jenkins) are transgender. Just like one can be asexual and bi, one can also be transgender and bi. In 2015, the National Center for Transgender Equality surveyed 27,715 transgender people from every state and D.C., U.S. territories, and U.S. military bases abroad and 14 percent of respondents described their sexual orientation as bisexual.
To ensure you're not erasing transgender bi+ people's identities, always use inclusive language like "siblings" instead of "brothers and sisters," says Roberts, when addressing people as if they're family. This guarantees you're not assuming every bi+ person (or anyone generally) identifies as either male or female.
Taking into account the role intersectionality plays in the lives of bi+ people is important — especially when you're looking to amplify their voices.
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orbitswriter · 4 years
Text
pairing: male!reader x Jack
rating: 18+ nsfw, smutty action
Kink list: humiliation (including
the word 'fag' and 'sissy' a few times),
watching porn, jerking off, being
caught jerking off.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
Theres always something peaceful about the rain, even when your driving and it makes it harder to see. I was stuck inside with nothing to really but watch the rain gather on my bedroom window, my room Sean had been gone most of the day, off filming some youtube video in his office, and I was stuck at home with nothing to do but watch as the rain covered the streets of Brighton and cars drove past the house. I had nothing but my imagination to turn to... sure I could turn on the tv and watch something but it would probably turn into endless scrolling before eventually giving up and going back to staring out the window, so I was going to cut out the middle part and just stare.
I glanced at the clock, who knows how long Sean will be gone. My mind wonder to a more naughty place, having a roommate had it disadvantages when it came to getting some personal one on one time with yourself. Fuck I was horny, but their was nothing new about that, I had a pretty high labido, pretty much ready to go whenever someone said the word. I turned toward my computer in my chair, a blink email open to my boss... oh right, I was trying to get work done at one point.
I opened incognito mode on my browser and typed pornhub before letting it load, it could be a little to tame sometimes for my taste but at the moment I just wanted to have something to lazily jerk off too. When the sight loaded my eyes were assulted with naked women, I scrunched up my nose a bit. Not what I wanted to see at the moment. I quickly got to the gay side with a few clicks and looked at the some of the thumbnails, I came to someone who looked a little like Sean, I bit my lip. Typical gay boy falling for his straight friend, well more lusting after but still. I clicked on it turning down my speakers so if Sean did come in he wouldn't just hear porn blasting.
I slide my sweat pants down enough to let my cock free, already hard aching to get some attention, I teased myself, only letting the tips of my fingers lightly brush along the length of my cock. I let out a  frustrated breath, my mind to weak to deal with even me teasing myself at the moment - its been too long. I wrap a hand around myself letting out a soft moan as I do so, my attention turning to the man on the screan,  who was also jerking himself off, mumbling dirty things to the camera.
"I bet you like watch me jerk off don't you? yeah touch your pathetic cock fag" came from my speaker, the male had a deep voice.
He was putting it on a little thick, not that I don't like being degraded but sometimes pornstars should just shut up. I went with it though;
"oh fuck yes" i answered the man who couldn't hear me.
I found my imagination doing what it does best, imagining it was Sean, the voice was to different, but the body build and face worked out, so I did my best to look past the voice. I stroked myself a little faster, I wanted to enjoy it but their was always that little bit of anxiety that Sean might have weaseled his way into the house with out making any noise and would catch me.
"Thats right - I bet you wish you could suck it, don't you sissy?"
"pls, sean" I find myself whining as I tilt my head back allowing my mind to do whatever it wanted to get me off, the mans voice slowly started to sound like Seans.
"That's right you'd do anything for an alpha like me wouldn't you?"
"god, fuck, yes~" I moan getting lost in the image of Sean stroking himself in front of me, teasing me, not letting me touch him only allowing me to watch "Sean, fuck, please" i begged outloud.
"Oh god, I might use your throat as a cock warmer later"
"Please Sean I want it" my hand move faster as I was getting closer to cumming.
"y/n?" the door opened and I gasped, I tried to stop myself but I came hard as Sean walked through the door with a strangled moan.
ooOOoo
{ Sean's Pov }
I had gotten done with my filming a little earlier then I thought I would have, and went straight home after locking up the office. I huffed as I hadn't brought an umbrella with me, so I'd be walking back in the rain with no protection. stupid wheather. I walked as quick as I could back to my house, jogging the last block, even then I still got pretty wet, my hair dripped along and my sweated was soaked.
I quickly got inside dripping on the floor should clean that before y/n sees, he tries so hard to keep the house clean for both of us, I don't expect him to, but it is nice that he does most of the cleaning.
"Sean" I hear y/n moan, I freeze, was he.... No, why would be calling out my name while doing that? he must of been hurt that was it.
"y/n?" I call.
"Sean please" another moan from his room.
I walk to his room slowly drying off as I dripped all over the house. I thought about knocking but instead I just opened the door, I heard y/n gasp then watch in shock as he came, I froze in place. He was moaning my name... I swallowed dryly, feeling a bit of arousals gather itself in me and watched as y/n scrambled closing out of the tab he was watching, the moans of the other male cutting abruptly as he did so. He tucked himself back into his sweats and gave an awkward cough.
"Knockings a smart thing to do" he says simply, his whole face a light shade of red from embarrassment.
"Sorry, I..." I paused "I heard my name"
This makes y/n eyes widden "oh..." he says before licking his lips, his eyes move up and down my body linger near my package for a little bit "you're wet" he says.
"yeah..." I nod its awkward, but I know what I want to do, I want to march over their and pull y/n into a kiss before demanding he fix the problem he made.
"you should -" I pulled him up by the shirt pressing my lips to his, I didn't give him a chance to kiss back before I pushed him onto his knees.
I slipped my jeans off before sitting down in his chair and looked down at a shocked y/n. I smirked a bit enjoying the confusion and excitment that was mixing on the boys face.
"are you going to fix this?" I asked pointing to my still covered dick, it was pressing against my boxers, begging for attnetion from y/n.
"If I dont?" he asked.
I raised an eyebrow - of course he's the bratty type, anything to get a rise of out the dom. I shrugged a bit "Don't make me force you" I simply say, I had been with his type before... maybe not ever a guy but girl versions of it.
"You won't" he smirked challenging me.
I waisted no time grabbing his hair and forcefully pulling him closer and pressing his face into my lap "really now?" I smirk "come on don't make this hard for yourself"
Y/n sat for a minute probably processing what was happening. I wondered if he would try testing me to see how far I would go with this whole thing. As he stayed still I got my answer. I pulled him away harshly before slipping my boxers off and storking myself.
"You're being very disobedient" I said tightening my grip on his hair, a small whimper escaping his throat a I did so, I pulled him back to my dick "Lick" I say.
This time he obeys licking strips up my cock, I let out a low moan loosening my grip on his hair "good boy" I say "make me cum and maybe I'll reward you with the same kindness" I push my food into his buldge, he lets out a moan before pushing attempting to grind against my foot. I pull it away with a small chuckle as he whines at the loss. I moan as he takes me in his warm mouth.
"Fuck yeah baby, take it" I moan stopping myself from fucking his throat, I wantd to savor the pleasure for awhile.
I watched as y/n bobbed his head up in down, taking my cock little by little, I already felt close, it had been far to long since I had been with anyone, hopefull y/n was new long term play thing for me... maybe somethubg more. I push his head down all the way thrusting my cock into his throat as I stood, he gages at first but slowly he relaxes allowing me to do what I want without struggle.
"fuck y/n" I can't hell but moan "shit, I'm cumming" my hips stutter and I prop myself up with the desk as I cum down his throat allowing myself to ride it out, I feel hin swallow around my cock making me moan a bit. I fall back into the chair my cock leave y/n mouth as I do.
Y/n catches his breath and I look down at him, seeing a small dark patch in his sweats.
"Did I make you wet?" I smirk only earning a glare from him, I chuckle pushing my foot into his buldge once more and rubbing him through his sweats, he moans probably still sensitive from cumming before.
"Sean" he seens to beg.
I stop and pull him onto my lap effortlessly, allowing his legs to on either side of my right leg.
"hump my leg and make yourself cum like the little bitch you are" I say looking up into his eyes.
I wonder if he'll listen, or if he'll just call it off, we haven't talked kinks or anything before this so I was swinging blind. But as y/n props his his hands on my chest and slowly started humping my leg I relax, watching him.
"thats right, just like that, let md hear you moan" I say.
Y/n response with a moan moving his hips faster on my thigh chasing after his orgasam. I smirk as he whines obviously close by the way his hips are moving.
"Cum, make a mess in your pants" I whisper close to his ear.
Thats all it seemed to take, I watch as his gray sweat pants got a bit darker and smirker, I pushed my leg up into it earning a strangled whimper.
"Don't, sensitive" he whined as he laid his head on my shoulder, leaning his body into mine.
ooOOoo
{ Y/n Pov }
I felt tired but I wanted to stay awake to talk aboout what happened. I felt Sean slip off my pants and clean us both up with the tissues I had on my desk. He picked me up and carried me to my bed, I thought he would leave once he put me down but he crawled in with me, pulling me into his chest.
"Sean?" I questioned.
"I liked cuddling after sex" he said simply.
Of course he did. "What was that?"
"what do you want it to be?" he pulled away a bit so we could look at one another.
"...Something more then just sex?" I say.
"okay, I wouldn't mind that" Sean smiled a bit making my heart flutter.
"but you're-"
"I swear to got of you say I'm 'straight' after what happened back their I'm smacking you" he cut me off.
I went quiet, he had point, but still. I decided maybe it didn't matter, maybe all that mattet was I was with Sean now. So I cuddled back into him and closed my eyes, more then ready for sleep. Beford drifting off I felt him press a soft kiss into my head.
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pavlikovskaya · 4 years
Text
the secret history live blogged
forever mad that i got spoilered so much on this book.
anyway hello! and welcome to this … shit fest of the secret history by donna tartt aka the biggest letdown of my life
enjoy! i didn’t
ok whaatttt the fuck. he was walked over?? he was packed and squished under ice?? WHAT DID THIS BUNNY GUY DO TO MAKE Y’ALL SO MAD????? istg what the fuck. cruel cruel fate
four against one, i knew y’all were assholes. you sounded like assholes before i even knew what your names were.
i have to say, i’m not a very big fan on the beginning: hello, my name is richard, i am 28, this is my story. makes it sound like he’s in an AA meeting, but i’ll let this one slide.
years at home dispensable like a plastic cup? fictional history and upbringing tales? [*clears throat in relatable*]
my father was mean, my house ugly, my mum didn’t give me attention, must kill someone to cope and serve the aesthetic™ of rejected, unloved child, brooding and mad at the world. got it.
if richard, plain and poor is the one who kills the rich asshole bc he’s a rich asshole, i might relate to him more than i thought.
[*slams book shut*] okay. okay. am i gonna have to google every other phrase in this godforsaken history book or is donna gonna go easy on my ass?
sounds like a university i would love to go to. oh, pardon me, CoLlEgE.
wait, they’d pay him back for the plane if he GOT IN??? and if he didn’t well then what, soz dude, tough luck , such is life, see ya never? makes a lot of sense. should pay him back regardless imo but hey, i had to pay £50 six times to audition at universities who, all six times, rejected me, so.
three days on a bus and arrival at six in the morning? i cannot fathom a worse scenario.
this prof conducts his selection on a personal level rather than on an academic one, said with a note of sarcasm? is he … you know … ?
ahhhh these saucy saucy tea spilling french people, gotta love em. ‘listen, i know i’ve only met you three minutes ago, but i’m bout to spill some serious tea which i must ask you to keep to yourself and never mention for i have some formidable enemies in the literature division, yes, my very own department, but we all actually love each other. you know, in a very shakespearian ‘i shall murder you at the end of the play but for now, let’s make sweet love under the stars as a witch friend of mine who will later murder you watches’ way. all very platonic. but don’t say a word of it.’
who do you think was with morrow when richard came to see him in the lyceum and what were they talking about? GODDAMN IT, this french bastard put me in a gossipy mood.
bunny — short for edmund…….
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god, i love a redhead.
richard and me being whipped by francis and his long, flapping black coats, love to see it.
‘pseudo-intellects and teenage decadents abounded and black clouting was de rigueur’ can I enrol ~now~????
francis talks to cats and bunny yells from his window down at the incest twins to stop snogging in the garden. i can’t wait to see which one am I at the end of the book
henry and julian driving off together? do i smell something…. gay?
THEY WRITE WITH FOUNTAIN PENS????? [*flashbacks from my childhood intensify*].
i do not understand most of these references or sentences and if the whole book is like this, i will throw myself out the window in attempted suicide even though i live on the ground floor.
i have absolutely no idea what they’re on about.
hwhat
francis in black cashmere and cigarette smoke brushed past him and almost touched his arm. how bloody delicious is this??
‘give him some flowers and he’ll enrol you.’ ok, julian is definitely the gay prof everyone falls for.
at this stage, i would rater have voted we kill henry, not bunny, but we’ll see.
‘i was tired of being poor.’ [*buys a tie with pictures of men hunting deer on it*] ‘that’s better.’
‘i believe that it is better to know one book intimately than a hundred superficially.’ donna tartt gave me the book and the reason both.
constantly chuckling at the way richard is so completely mesmerised and intimidated by francis to the point that he’ll duck into a doorway to let him pass even though they’re going to the same lesson.
I don’t know how a ‘bostonian voice’ is supposed to sound like so francis will be slightly british in my mind for the rest of the book.
cubitum eamus? cubitum. eamus? CUBITUM?? EAMUS????? OH! GOD! HELP ME! THE SWEET SWEET HOMOEROTIC FORESHADOWING OF IT ALL!!! throwback to when, in a much too similar vein, boris, upon being asked by theo to say something in russian for him, he said ‘fuck you up the ass’. my heart is racing with yearn. i can’t fucking believe i just read this. it’s time to bust out the annotation tabs again.
oh my gooooddd whAt is henry’s problem????? he reminds me slightly of number one from the umbrella academy, but in a meaner, more show-offy, bastardish way that’s supposed to showcase his superior intelligence over all mortals like fuck you, go read harry potter and chill.
‘meke (s.p.) you Wear it’? i take it meke is actually make but what on earth is (s.p.)? google gave me 238 possible definitions for that acronym and, needless to say, i didn’t bother.
i love how donna’s main characters are funny essentially bc they’re bitches towards other people they deem inferior to them in their internal monologues.
if you were drunk and ‘slam-dancing’ at a party, i don’t have to be stuck up or elitist to judge you and hate on you. even less so if you throw your beer in my face.
‘love that jacket, silk, isn’t it?’ ‘yep, my grandfather’s. totally not from that annoying girl in my dorm whose mate your mates beat up at a party last term for shoving camilla and throwing a beer in her face and who probably only gave me the jacket because she wants to fuck me, nope.’
‘let me get that door for you.’ that’s it, that’s the tweet.
when bunny said they should round up the ‘officious fags and burn them at the stake’ i yelled the loudest what the fuck i’ve ever yelled at a book. i can see now why they killed him. and i bet that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
okay, his true colours are starting to show. it’s even more unnerving when i think about the fact that like half of this stuff is supposed to be true.
called it, they’re boning.
i can’t wait until francis locks lips with richard. i am simply tingling for it. i hope he and camilla have a threesome with richard at this country house. oh wait no, they’re all here. eh, maybe another time.
oh, we finally get some juicy inside gossip
if francis and richard don’t fuck in that gorgeous immense library, i will riot.
okay, what’s henry’s deal? he’s nice now? and he’s oddly … interested in/caring towards richard? like who the fuck says ‘i hope you slept well’ without at least a little affection towards them.
AHAHAHAAHA, NOW I GET ALL THOSE MOON LANDING QUESTIONS ON THE TSH RELATED UQIZZES I STUPIDLY TOOK. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. imagine them lot in present day completely bewildered and confused at the fact that the whole world is in lockdown for some weird fucking reason. this is the funniest shit ever, swear to god.
dogs get heart attacks?
wow they’re being dicks. that shady shit they’re doing’s so fucking rude aajksdhfkfh and to think i had initially thought richard was the ‘leader’ of their group...
okay, they’re either all into bdsm or they’re some odd breed of late vampires who don’t have much of the traits/qualities of ‘classic’ vampires as they have possibly diminished over the centuries as the species was becoming extinct. maybe witches. hm. or occultists. I REALLY DON’T KNOW!!
richard be like ‘what should I tell you?’ well—and this is merely a suggestion—, how about you start with what they’re actually doing when they’re not hanging out with you?????
i can’t wait for bunny to figure/find out richard’s not actually rich and be a dick about it.
two months??? what kind of bonkers winter vacation between terms is that???
is being constantly cold part of the dark academia aestehtic? cos it certainly seems to be.
what the fuck are these (sp)s bunny keeps putting in his letters??
i hope somebody (henry, or maybe francis? as something that would bring them together?) is fake rich too.
ouuuuu here comes the dark, mental stuff.
richard dropped out of drama to study the classics. if we were villains is a group of people studying shakespeare. coincidence? i think not. it is with dread that i think at the possibility that i might like the other more because so far, i can’t say i’m heavily impressed with tsh.
now i’m all for weird, fancy names, but marchbanks is really an odd one. who the fuck looks at their newborn baby and goes ben? nah. tom? no. MARCHBANKS! perfect.
henry winter saves richard from a piping cold winter. ah, don’t bother, i’ll do it myself [*jumps out the window*]
henry dislikes electric lights? smokes cigarettes without filter? reads milton translated into latin ‘just to see if a language with no noun cases could possibly support the structural order he attempts to impose’? can this dude be any more pretentious?
BUNNY! IT’S BUNNY! HE’S FAKE RICH THE BASTARD! ALL THAT ‘oops, forgot my wallet’ BULLSHIT, I THOUGHT IT WAS A TEST FOR RICHARD OR JUST RICH PEOPLE LEECHING OFF OTHERS (why spend yours when you can spend theirs?) BUT NOOOO, HE’S BROOOOKE! AND AN ASSHOLE! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!! serves him right, the asshole (that gay people being burnt at the stake comment really bothered me despite the fact that i laughed). and not only is he broke and leeching off of henry, he leeches in the most shameless, greedy, extravagant and ignorant way, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu fuck out of here.
ha! he got fat the bastard. found some sugar daddy to sustain you during your last month in italy or what?
this rabbit dude sure has some big balls for a broke ass bitch.
‘let me see your head wound.’ vs ‘your arm.’
‘that sort of tension which i, being rather more disinclined that way than not, am quick to pick up on. i had caught a strong breath of it from francis, a whiff of it at times from julian (…)’ sounds like we got another one boys, a straight dude with the best gaydar in the world. that being said, julian is the fakest bitch in the book so far.
this secrecy is killing the ever-loving shit out of me. argentina one way?? whY
lol if you’re gonna steal his book with the intention of having him come back to the apartment and see all that shit, at least don’t put it in such an obvious place where he couldn’t have possibly missed it. for such a smart guy, you sure are dumb, dude.
francis’ mother be like ‘give that bad boy a kiss from me’ and i’m like HE BETTER.
richard the worst liar. just say your mum called for fuck’s sake! you could get your boyfriend in trouble!
cheesecake cover: ‘please do not steal this, i am on financial aid.’ bunny: [*steals it*] the cheesecake: [*sucks*] me: serves you fucking right, pig.
THINKING ABOUT HIS HANDICAP. I’M YELLING. funniest thing donna tartt ever wrote.
i bet they’re all there sat at the table like nothing happened and weren’t supposed to leave anywhere at all.
called it! motherfuckers.
what the hell is going on. are they a gang of assassins or something?
richard: ‘you killed somebody, didn’t you?’ henry: [*laughs as if it was the most ridiculous idea in the world and how could you possibly suggest such a thing*] yep
bunny: gays are weirdly obsessed with food, don’t you think? also bunny: [*gets excluded from the bacchanal because he couldn’t stop eating*]
okay. i can see now why this book started the whole dark academia aesthetic
aight, that’s all good and great (far from it) but WHERE IS MY FRANCIS CONTENT????
going through the motions of hating and liking henry every other chapter.
everybody: [*burning clothes, cleaning the car, running this way and that to get rid of evidence*] francis: aight y’all imma take a power nap real quick cool? cool
there is hardly anything in the world i hate more than loose-of-tongues. bunny and that bitch ass hely from the little friend. god, i want to sock each and every single one of them in their stupid bloody loud mouths.
i want to know, i really want to know if there are any bunny apologists or … s…. s… [*grits teeth*] stans out there. don’t worry, nothing will happen to you, i just wanna talk.
if it’s henry and richard and not francis and richard,,,,, i will riot.
boy this henry guy smokes a lot…. more than me in my prime.
as if this dude reenacted the murder he wasn’t even present at in the lobby of a hotel just to torture henry. i can’t believe this character is still alive and has been for so long.
FINALLY! one francis moment that indicated there will be no more francis moments…. .
funny that, reading the secret history put something into perspective about the goldfinch for me.
i love how richard just casually throws it in there whenever he happens to mention camilla that he loves her and wants to kiss her and that she’s so beautiful and blah blah blah and then it’s never brought up again ever because he’s constantly going on and on about henry.
wait, don’t tell me it’s happening now, in the middle of the book! that would be most unexpected as there’s a whole entire book following.
henry is such a stone cold bitch, i wonder where they put his heart when they made him, in his ass?
don’t tell me henry went boxer dogs on JULIAN?!?!?! he wouldn’t. … would he?
i don’t know. i get it, obviously, the gravity of the situation, but going as far as killing him to silence him is a bit … extreme in my opinion.
thank you, charles, for being the only voice of reason in this madness.
okay, i understand it’s in richard’s best interest not to be involved, but they called him there to what, make him listen to all this and then send him on his merry way?
charles: well, if you wake up intending to murder someone at two o’clock, you hardly think of what you’re going to feed the copse for dinner. [*crickets*] francis: hey, how about asparagus?
henry: someone’s coming. quick! act normal! richard: [*turns to inspect the trunk of a tree*] [*footsteps approach*] richard: [*inspection of tree intensifies!!*]
you’re a bit late, bunny, just saying.
and now what the fuck is the rest of the book about? what do we do, let’s run, let’s stay, let’s go to the police, what do we do with him?
i love how richard describes himself as part of the process: we dwelt on it, we convinced ourselves, we devised plans when in reality, he was only there as an attaché, he wasn’t included much, almost at all in the actual planning process of it other than to give his insight on the poison route because henry thought it was his area of expertise so to speak when, really, it wasn’t and then was told about the other plan because they simply thought he should know. even then henry tells him ‘you can go now, if you like’ because there wasn’t anything they sort of needed him for anymore since he wasn’t going to be there, he was just a pair of ears. i like to think he was there in hopes to maybe dissuade them, try to stop them, tell them how mad it is, tell them there’s another way, but he didn’t do much of that either (not that I think he would’ve succeeded anyway, had he tried, henry’s one stubborn motherfucker). he didn’t come up with shit, he wasn’t supposed to even be there, i think, much less contribute in any way. had bunny not told him about the bacchanal, richard would have probably found out about it after it was already done, he was only included for the fucks of it and yet, he talks as if he was right there in the room with them, brainstorming ideas how to kill him. and i get how it only comes from a sense of obvious guilt because he knew about it, he was there and didn’t do anything to stop it, but he’s by far not one to have agreed to the whole thing or condoned it in any way from what he’s told us in book one. he himself says in the very same paragraph that he only watched. he’s very much a dark academia nick carraway type of character and i hate it. because i like him. he deserves better.
i’m pretty sure that the reason that serial killer autobiography you picked up in an airport was bereft of details is because no publishing house would allow such lurid specifications that might shock, disgust, enrage or give ideas to the reader in their book, not because the author is shy, richard, but ok, let’s move on. actually no, let’s not. you can’t expect the autobiography of a killer to only tell you about the murders, especially since in this particular instance, he was caught and went to prison. of course he’s going to tell you more about that than the killings, have you any idea what prison life is like? how much it eats away at your soul? how it crushes your spirit if you have one and how hard it is to get over? the time he spent in jail is going to haunt him forever and after such a long time in there, however long it was, you hardly think about your crime as anything but a huge mistake that was not worth the torment if you’re not a downright psychopath which, since he came out and wrote a book about it, doesn’t seem to be the case here but i guess you’ll find out all about it soon enough.
OH! a francis moment???? could this be it? please dear god may this be it.
it wasn’t, but there’s another one!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
‘it’s fun, i promise you.’ [*dies*]
if this is it, if that’s all, i am not forgiving this book.
‘i tried to pull him out but it was no good; his head lolled back uselessly’ YEAH. BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, RICHARD. [*scoffs*] ‘uselessly’
i wish i held any of my teachers and professors in at least half the high regard henry holds julian. i also wish they were half as competent and passionate about teaching as julian.
I DON’T BELIEVE ‘HE WAS JUST THERE’. IT’S BORIS AND THEO AT 6 AM IN THAT NEW YORK BAR ALL OVER AGAIN. HE’S ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE RICHARD WENT ALL ‘YOU’RE NOT HOT’ ON HIS ASS AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. if they don’t kiss again—
i can’t help but admire the way they communicate sensitive information to each other in ancient greek, they sound like characters from jane austen novels while talking about drugs and saving face from tabloids and gossip, it’s rather amazing.
quite pointless to go through all that trouble to hide the cigarettes and deny having been smoking when the smell will be there no matter what and she’ll know for sure. i swear, all these seemingly smart ass people are actually idiots
my question is why would anyone, drunk or not, for any reason, leave the top down in the rain? why? what possible pleasure could one get from driving in the middle of the rain with rain actually pouring down on them?
isn’t linoleum a bit tacky for a house that looks like it’s been in architectural digest?
why is charles so on edge? why are they all always hiding??? camilla and her late night 3 am phone calls, her secret phone code with henry, charles mysteriously going out for cigarettes so brusquely without a word in the middle of the night and refusing to talk about it, what are they all always hiding?! nobody trusts one another with anything, it’s very annoying, to be honest. aren’t they supposed to be super best friends? you’d think that after a bacchanal and a double homicide, you wouldn’t keep secrets from one another, but i guess not.
ah, shame. was kind of hoping for some sneaky richard/francis basement action, but alas. what’s their ship name anyway, richis?
i just spoilered myself again, twice, by going through the tsh tag on tumblr and then looking for francis/richard fanfics on ao3 and finding out that francis marries? gets with? a girl who’s apparently called fucking priscilla. donna tartt really has a knack for weird fancy names, huh? i’m here for it tbh
richard you fucking snitch! you had one job!!!!!!
why the fuck are they still keeping him in the dark about shit? henry and charles quarrelled and charles is in jail and henry still won’t tell him what’s so bad about it and why he wants richard to handle all this shit instead of him and why bunny’s murder still matters and why why just why are they still using him as their pawn??
seriously, this exchange was about the worst they’ve had so far. he himself knows it: ‘there was a silence during which I felt acutely the hopelessness of ever trying to get to the bottom of anything with henry. he was like a propagandist, routinely withholding information, leaking it only when it served his purposes.’ THEN WALK AWAY. SAY NO. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. FUCKING—UGH!!!!!!!
they’re all so shamelessly using him… i can’t read. it’ll kill him, one way or another.
these ungrateful little shits i swear to god. richard bails him out, he’s all thankful and sweet when he wants him to do ‘this one little favour’ of taking him to his francis’ house so he can break in and when richard’s like i don’t have a car, he immediately turns sour and passive aggressive like you know what?! richard hasn’t slept all night and all morning waiting for your ass to go to court cos you were a drunken idiot and decided YET AGAIN that driving in that state is a great idea so he can bail you out and when you are finally out, you start being fussy and then it’s all ‘right. thanks a lot’??? richard doesn’t fucking need this shit! y’all are horrible friends. he’s not your bloody servant. how about you take that stick and privilege out of your asses and start treating him a bit more kindly, huh???
‘henry made me swear not to tell.’ WHAT. WHAT. BITCH, GET THE FUCK OUT.
this is by far the most toxic friendship i’ve ever heard of.
oh wow that kiss was hot. i thought it was just a speculation that they were incestuous with each other, but i-i guess not.
FINALLY it gets interesting. Mr Abernathy spilling some piping hot tea mmm
he literally just said i’d sleep with you if you got drunk enough to let me. oh dear god help me.
oh fuck it got sad. It’s patrick and brad all over again ugh always happens to the best of gays
finally richard my boy starts hating them, as he should. except francis, you’re a dick in that respect. he’s only joking for fuck’s sake, don’t get all butthurt, jesus. sensitive much?
uuuuuu tunts Tunts TUNTS! shit is hitting the fan. henry, henry, henry, our ‘golden boy’. nothing but a crook himself, the motherfucker. i’ve been waiting for this reveal since the beginning of the fucking book. if they gang up on him and kill him, i will never stop laughing.
it’s as if he’s begging to be excluded and hated, i swear. why is he being such a prick? does he love her? is that it? then there are a BILLION other ways to go about it, he doesn’t have to be such a shady bitch!! besides, wasn’t he in cahoots with julian?
‘i was depressed, i thought if i slept here it might make me feel better.’ that’s so precious tho….. funny, but precious. such child-like innocence in this grown ass intoxicated man, i melt.
clever, luring him out of the playground under the false pretext of a drink when he’s had plenty. think like a drunk
the only consistent, recurring and ever-present elements in donna tartt’s books are the hors d’oeuvres.
it’s so cute how charles needs him, i—
girls be like: watching a film, listening to a podcast, talking on the phone, having dinner, figure painting, filing nails, writing an essay and doing their makeup all at the same time
this so called love he feels for camilla is so unfounded and feeble and just … it seems so out of the fucking blue every single time he mentions it, i can’t read this shit. IT’S SO SEE-THROUGH!!
okay WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ. WHAT. THE ACTUAL. MOTHERFUCKING. FUCK. one second he’s ‘i love her so much’ the next he wants to strangle and rape her?????????????? i have zero goddamn words. i am fucking speechless. i don’t think i have ever been this confused at something since i watched the turning. i don’t think you realise quite how done i am with this fucking book at this point.
i think i do hate henry more than bunny and i’m afraid i’ll like if we were villains better.
richard: [*takes sleeping pills*] also richard: [*surprised he can’t keep up with the film he started watching after taking sleeping pills*]
‘look,’ said francis. ‘let’s just go, if we leave now we can be in montreal by dark. nobody will ever find us.’ vs ‘well, i’m not going,’ said boris serenely. ‘fuck that, i’m running away. do you want to come?’
this henry bitch is the most difficult piece of shit i’ve ever fucking encountered. ‘you mean, it’s something you need to tell me in private?’ oh FUCK OFF AND STEP OUTSIDE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. IT’S ONE THING I ASK OF YOU, YOU TWAT.
huh, i thought he was doing this shit on purpose, leaving the page face down on the table so that julian could see it, i thought it was some sick twisted plan of his.
lmao called it. everybody saw through julian’s façade except richard and the others and i completely understand. in a fashion much like julian’s, i think he knew that, he saw it, but just chose to ignore it because the image he posed and richard himself constructed of him in his mind was much more favourable to what he really was. i mean, fuck, who the fuck says ‘i hope we are all ready to leave the phenomenal world and enter into the sublime’ with their whole chest and mean it?
if you think he’s not coming, why sit in silence staring out the window, ignoring everyone and wasting everybody’s time instead of telling them from the very start this piece of information you have on hand that could save everybody a lot of trouble, time and overthinking? why be all mysterious and enigmatic about it? just tell them from the start, you’re not in a film for fuck’s sake……..
charles, one of the four of them (henry, camilla, julian and himself) might be the one i despise the least, almost like had he not been so brutal towards camilla,,,, but i don’t know if i can trust her, that whole scene seemed … staged somehow. i don’t know. i don’t know
didn’t expect henry would turn on julian too though. first real thing he’s done all book.
agatha
christie
writes
good
mysteries.
richard does seem like the type of fellow who would grow up in a household where his dad would strike his mum for no fucking reason.
okay so did henry punch him for that comment or not? what was all that father beating mother bit for?
#boysweekendinthecountry! 🤪 #partytime! #ignoringourproblems! #woooo!!!
oh my fucking god chARLES!!!
yes, henry, great, brilliant, fucking splendid idea to antagonise the man pointing a gun at you.
MY PAUL SMITH SHIRT!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHASFSHDGFDK
i love how absolutely nobody noticed fucking richard BLEEDING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM
‘expected everyone to stop and look at me. no one did.’ and they never will. that’s your whole friendship summed up in two lines. you don’t matter to them, you never did, you’re absolutely unimportant. just a tool, a pawn, a nobody. sorry you had to get shot to realise that.
‘’he shot me.’ somehow, this remark did not elicit the dramatic response i expected. before i had the chance to elaborate—’ ELABORATE WHAT? ELABORATE WHAT?! THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY!! GOD, this hurts to read. this angers me beyond words, but it also fucking hurts so bad…
nothing, not even getting shot can make richard lose his wit
disGUSTING henry and camilla moment. I HATE THEM
oh shit. did not see that coming. well, glad that’s over.
ugh, time to read how francis got hetero married :\
[*chokes*] DUE TO THE VERY EXCELLENT EXCUSE OF HAVING A GUNSHOT WOUND IN THE STOMACH I DIDN’T TAKE MY FRENCH EXAM YAY!!! god, i fucking love Richard.
the thing is, right, i read that line, ‘i managed to get out of taking my french exams the next week’ about three or four times and somehow, the following line or even the words ‘gunshot wound’ never made it to my eyes! i don’t understand how! but i’m completely happy about that given the fact that i spoiler myself on every single book i read by reading ahead like an idiot..
how much do you want to bet that it was the inn keep who called the ambulance and not those fuckers? because of course henry, dead henry’s more important than slowly dying, almost dead but not quite richard.
despite everything, it sounds like he had a nice summer in brooklyn. good for him. god knows he deserved it, the poor guy.
yeah no, fuck henry’s post-mortem hero narrrative.
lol, at least he got a nice car out of it. this book shows me once again that things happen just the way they should happen.
OH MY FUCKING GOD NO. NO. NO. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT READ. I DO NOT SEE. I REFUSE TO COMPREHEND THIS PIECE OF INFORMATION.
i will not say a WORD on this, much less his letter. i am hurt, i am wounded, i am grieving, my head is full of thots and i cannot speak. i died on this bed.
ugh [*rolls eyes*] this fucking guy again with his sudden, out of my ass declarations of love towards camilla. JUST GIVE IT UP ALREADYYYYYYYY!!! TELL IT TO SOMEONE WHO CARES!!! (francis) i wouldn’t be surprised if she was married or engaged and just didn’t bother to mention it ‘because he never asked’ or some bullshit excuse like that.
I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY I HATE HENRY [*deep breath*] I FUCKING HATE HENRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he’s telling me about all these people and where they ended up after graduation but not only do i not give a single solitary fuck, i actually don’t know who the fuck he’s talking about?? like who the fuck is bram guernesnesnica? rooney wayne? what the fuck do i care what jack jud and frank did?
the only people i do remotely care about are the professors (the saucy french teacher and the boring, senile dude who wouldn’t shut up and who kept referring to richard as ‘jerry’ in his grad school recommendations letter ahahah that is the content i signed up for, not dumb and dumber’s bar or whatever) and the cat charles left at francis’ country house who lives in a ten fucking room apartment in boston.
love how ionic the whole marion storyline turned out to be. marred another corcoran who looked just like bunny and had a daughter who, despite having her and his mother’s name ended up being nicknamed also bunny. i’m sorry, i just—i have to laugh.
[*slams fists on the table*] THE AGENTS??? YOU’RE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THE BLOODY FBI AGENTS???!!!!!! CAN THIS BOOK PLEASE JUST FUCKING END ALREADY??????!!!!!!!!
a dream. a dream. if it’s a dream of henry i will personally shoot you and make sure i aim a little higher than your abdomen this time.
[*shoots the book*]
oh, you died and suddenly you have a sense of humour?
‘that information is classified’ [*shoots a torpedo at the book*]
‘are you happy?’ / ‘not very.’ vs ‘are you happy here?’ / ‘not particularly.’
okay. so. final thoughts: fuck this book.
good night
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telefunkies · 4 years
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hey! i saw how u were confused abt why u couldn't call yourself a lesbian, and basically its because lesbian isn't an umbrella term the way gay is. identifying with lesbian stereotypes doesn't mean anything bc they're just stereotypes. hope this helped!
Thank you for being nice about it, and actually answering my question :)
I definitely lean more towards women when it comes to romance, which is why I call myself a lesbian a lot. Whilst I do feel attraction to guys, it’s not as strong.
Though if I’m being completely honest- why are people in the LGBT+ community turning against each other like this? It’s beginning to feel like each letter doesn’t represent a part of one entity at all, and more like a series of factions.
We don’t have to argue about what means what, and who has the greater struggle. It’s pointless. We have the same end goal: for everyone to be treated equally, like people, to have basic human rights. Why can’t we just exist?
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(1/?) Hey :) I think Tumblr ate an ask I sent a few weeks ago so I hope you don't mind me sending it again. I'm panromantic asexual and very happy with my labels as I took a long time to figure them out, but lately I've been losing my sense of identity in a way. Due to a negative coming out experience I've been describing myself as 'gay' when coming out, but it's not an accurate reflection of who I am. I don't like explaining my labels so that's why I just say gay.
(2/2) I also constantly refer to myself as gay due to memes and such, eg 'Me and the gays going out to brunch'. Obviously there's nothing wrong with that but constantly calling myself gay instead of pan and ace has lead to me feeling weaker in my identity and more unsure. It doesn't help that both the pan and ace communities on Tumblr have quite a bit of discourse, so I tend to ignore the tags. How do I become more sure in myself again? Have a nice day :)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, anon. I understand that when it comes to identifying under umbrella terms, we focus a lot on the negative side of it, but we don’t talk much about people who want to use specific labels, but feel that they have no other choice. Firstly, as one person to another, be assured that there is nothing wrong with calling yourself pan and ace, regardless of what people say. You’re real, your experiences are real, and your feelings are real. I promise, there is nothing that anyone can say or do that can change that.
Secondly, as someone who’s had to learn how to accept her identity herself, my best advice is to find support groups that share similar interests as you. On Tumblr, find as many pan and ace positivity blogs as you can, but be sure that they’re inclusive so as not to harm you (we have a list of reputable recommendations on our web page, or here for mobile users). But it doesn’t have to be just on social media. If it’s accessible, find a LGBTQ organization in your area and see if they have any resources for people who’re pan and/or ace. If they don’t, see if you can create one of your own! Where I live, there’s an ace Facebook group that meets at a cafe once or twice a month, I believe, and just sit down and chat about what’s going on in their lives. Again, make sure that it’s inclusive!
Finally, try to find pan and ace role models, in both fiction and real life. Whether it’s a celebrity, favorite super hero, or even a historical figure, it doesn’t matter, as long as they make you feel empowered. The goal here is to make you feel natural within your identity, to accept it based on the environment around you. If you’re surrounded by people or things that discourage you, you’re not going to feel comfortable in your identity. But if you’re surrounded by people who encourage and support you, then I guarantee things will get better.
- Mod Toni
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xweetara · 5 years
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What If I’m Into Girls?: An Oriented AroAce Confession
I wanted to share my story of coming to terms with who I am and what life might look like for me with all of you. Maybe I’ll help someone. Maybe I’ll reaffirm someone’s suspicions. Maybe I’ll just vent, and I’m the only one who will feel better about it at the end of the day. Whatever happens, I think I will at least do myself some good by getting it out in words.
This gets long. I’m sorry. It’s not too late to jump ship.
So, hi. My name’s Erika, I’m almost 26, and I’ve been asexual my entire life.
The pressure starts on little girls early to be into boys, especially when that girl is raised in the LDS (previously Mormon) church. For the first eighteen years of my life I was a faithful church-goer, and that meant:
Every little boy I played with was insinuated to be my “boyfriend” before I even knew what the term meant
Teenage-aged classes were split into boys and girls, and any co-mingling (even as friends) was seen as scandalous
Lessons about temple marriage and the importance of being “sealed” to a man for all eternity were pressed on me early and often
Aging into adult classes meant immediate pressure to find the man I would marry, and soon!! (seating us boy-girl-boy-girl, encouraging us to meet and “court” as often as humanly possible)
The average marriage age in my area was about 19-21
All of this, as you can imagine, rubbed me the wrong way. I considered myself asexual even before I knew there was a word for it. I didn’t want a boyfriend. I didn’t want to get married. I. Didn’t. Like. Boys. And that was final.
The thing was, I didn’t feel like I really liked girls either. At least, not in a fairytale romance, Disney-princess-in-love kind of way. Sure, kids at school called me gay to the point where I finally had to ask one day what it meant, but I never really thought to apply the word to myself. Besides, loving girls wasn’t allowed. It wasn’t part of God’s plan. I would be shunned from heaven, basically. So I decided not to think about it too hard.
I was 18 years old when I left Mormonism, and with it the heteronormative belief that I would be married to a man and pregnant by age 20. It was a huge relief, but it also left me with a lot of questions. Was I still expected to find a man? Did any of my peers still think I was dating material if I wasn’t religious? Did I even want to date? Honestly, at this point in my life I was also at a very low point with my mental health, so relationships were the furthest thing from my mind as I just tried to find a reason to keep myself alive, but as I sought treatment I also sought answers.
It was around then that I discovered the terms asexual and aromantic, and found myself in both of them. They told me I didn’t have to date, or have crushes, or look at men like future husbands instead of present friends. They told me I could just be. Be myself, be human, be alone and be happy despite it all.
And that brings us to present day. I’m asexual. I’m aromantic. And I’m happy.
But then, what about girls?
I’ve never known what being “in love” feels like. I’ve never even managed to imagine. The heart palpitations and mumbling and blushing and buzzing thoughts that are described in books, they all sounded less like love and more like an anxiety attack to me. I don’t “love” girls in that way. I don’t have this craving for dating them. And I certainly don’t want to have sex with them -- I’m pretty sex-repulsed on all levels, really. And some people would say, well, that’s that. If you don’t love girls romantically, and you don’t love girls sexually, then you don’t love girls at all. 
And to those people, I say: Why is it, then, that I find myself daydreaming about being with a girl? Not dating, not engaging in intercourse (blech), just... spending time. Living our lives, together, as one life, one unity. Coexisting. Loving, not romantically or sexually but so, so much more than platonically. Having a girlfriend, a wife, someone I can embrace from behind and tell them how nice their hair smells that day, someone I can hug (maybe kiss???) in front of the Salt Lake temple just for shock value and beautiful photos, someone I can buy gifts for whenever I’m thinking of them, someone I can come home to after a work day and talk for hours about our books, our shows, our video games, or nothing at all. 
That’s what I crave. I don’t want a kiss-and-make-out kind of sloppy romance. I don’t want a rolling-around-on-the-bed kind of hot sex life. I want a girl who I can live my life alongside. I want a girl who will adopt a cat with me, who will welcome me home and let me welcome her home as well, who will love me for who I am and in the way I want to be loved, and will tell me how best to love her in return. I want a love that feels more real than sex or romance.
About a month ago, I said all this (much more succinctly) on my Facebook, and a friend of mine did some digging and came up with the term Oriented AroAce. It fit me pretty much perfectly. It was one of those “there’s a name for it?” moments that I feel like every queer person has gone through at least on some level. It gave me a community, albeit a very small and intensely argued one. It gave me an umbrella I could stand under. And it gave me a (frankly beautiful) flag.
Maybe someone out there needed to read this veritable essay. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same way I am. Or maybe no one has read this far down the page and they’re just looking for the next post. Either way, whether or not anyone actually reads all this, I’m happy. I’ll probably never find a relationship that fits my narrow and ridiculous criteria. But maybe it’s okay to just be.
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wildcard--muses · 4 years
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DISASTEROUS FAMILY DINNER
( @ranger-c17 ) DRABBLE 💕
Crossing the street and running his fingers through his damp hair, Marshall never found himself so angry at forgetting an umbrella. He didn’t notice how tense he was until he felt a steady hand resting on his head, brushing his dark bangs out of his eyes. “You seem nervous. It’s just dinner, love. And your family has met me before.” The younger couldn’t help but to let out an exasperated sigh as it seemed his boyfriend didn’t understand the dangerous state their relationship would be in if this dinner didn’t go well.
“No, you met my parents. And that was over cheap sushi and they were both called in to work halfway through lunch. This is when you meet my family. When you SEE my family on their terms. Dinners like this are a big deal for them, it’s huge they wanted you to attend. Yes you had a meal where you saw them eat like normal human beings but my hoe of a brother wasn’t there, trying to flirt with you because you’re close enough to breathe the same air as him. Or my uptight sister who is the pride and joy of the family yet also manages to not be good enough as a literal IDOL for our home country, just because she writes controversial feminist anthems that clash with my parents’ morals. You didn’t have to hear my dad evaluate you by testing your knowledge of Korean politics, or see my mom down her third glass of wine in the span of five minutes and make suggestive comments that are anything but appropriate and-“ Ryder chuckled then, causing his boyfriend to trail off on his rant and narrow his eyes as he pouted up at him, which only seemed to make him laugh harder.
“Babe, it’s just dinner. Dealing with bigots and flirty millennials is my 9 to 5 everyday, I’m sure even if I don’t know about Korean history and haven’t yet met your siblings that things are gonna be FINE. As long as you don’t let it become a huge thing it won’t be. Even if we don’t hit it off right away, they raised you. I’m not in this relationship because of them. It has always been about YOU! I know this is important to you, that’s why it’s important to me too. And don’t worry, I’ve been eating with chopsticks long before I met you. Let’s just make the most of this, together, okay?” He smiled, leaning down to place a quick kiss to his love’s lips before breaking away to knock on the door, Marshall squeezing his hand perhaps a little too tightly as it opened and his father stepped aside to let them enter.
“A pleasure to see you again, sir.” Ryder greeted, giving his father his usual charming smile.
“It’s nice to see you again as well Ryder.” He replies stiffly, his eyes drifting down to his tattoo that was partially visible through his soaked dress shirt. “Please remove your shoes and come to the table, my wife, Min-ji was about to start serving our meal for the evening.” Just then his phone went off, a token cellphone jingle ringing through the house as he stepped further into the main room, checking the caller ID. “Oh, I need to take this. Please excuse me.” He mumbled and then left the room abruptly.
His mother was next to approach the pair, the scent of red wine becoming overwhelming as she drew near, eyeing Ryder up and down. “So good to see you again, hun. Looks like the gym has been treating you well, Magic Mike.” She hummed in a sickly sweet way that made Marshall’s hands curl into fists at his sides. But he underestimated Ryder’s boldness as per usual, the man giving her a confident smile.
“Nice to see you again as well Mrs. Kim. And yes, so lucky to have a gym so close to home. I know it’s predictable by now but as a gay man in th 21st cetury I make a habit of keeping my myself in shape.” The exaggerated flex he did was just adorable and he had to contain a laugh as she wrinkled her nose in distaste, walking back to the kitchen, wine glass in hand. The blaring Queen song at the top of the stairs only grew louder as a tall boy descended dressed in an outfit that was only a little calmer than a luxurious nightgown. The moment his eyes fell on Ryder his lips quirked into a devilish smile and Marshall hoped there was a way for Ryder to smooth this over once again. Emphasizing he was gay wouldn’t work so well with turning off Jackson.
“Marshall why didn’t you tell me you were bringing over your beefcake of a boyfriend for dinner? I’d have changed into something cuter. I think LEATHER would have been an appropriate choice tonight.” It’s dripping with suggestive undertones and he debates running out the front door before Ryder surprised him yet again.
“Leather does look nice. Especially around little Marshy’s neck. I don’t know how I got so lucky with this adorable little boyfriend of mine. He’s perfect in every way.” Marshall was relieved his parents weren’t in the room to witness that and his cheeks burned at the unexpected praise.
Jackson rolled his eyes, his smudged eyeliner more visible then as he gripped the landing. “Whatever toots. Give me a ring when you’re interested in a REAL piece of ass, not just some gender confused twink.” Marshall couldn’t help but to snag his lip under his teeth, biting it as his nerves flooded him for a moment. He knew Jackson was experienced, far more confident too. It WOULD make sense for him to go after his brother if he grew bored of him someday. But there was his boyfriend squeezing his hand and ushering him into the closest bathroom. The kiss he surprised him with made his toes curl in his pale pink Mary Janes. He broke away looking up at him confused as his large palm cupped his face delicately.
“Don’t pout baby, remember you’re all I ever wanted. My perfect baby boy. None of that could get to me, have some faith in me darling.” His chest filled with warmth as he moved in to hug his boyfriend tightly around his waist, head resting against his broad chest as his bunny ears twitched affectionately.
“I’m sorry for doubting you. I just... when I said they were a lot I didn’t even expect it to be THIS intense I- you-“ A finger was pressed to his lips as he pulled away.
“Don’t worry about it doll. We’re here, we’re together and I’ve dealt with people way worse at work. Put on a smile, okay bunny? And hey, if you feel that bad about it maybe you can suck me off in the wardrobe later tonight-“ Marshall snorted a laugh, shoving him playfully, not surprised when he didn’t budge. Damn him for being so big and strong. Making him feel little in the best possible way.
“I love you, ya but goof.” He giggled, hearing his parents voices heighten as he assumed his sister had walked in, always the family favorite. As he kissed him there in the hallway bathroom, hip pressed against the custom engraved sink he was positive that he’d fallen for the most amazing man in the world. And he would be sure to make him aware of his appreciation everyday for the rest of their lives.
“Come on hun, something smells good and we can’t hide away in the bathroom forever. Let’s get this dinner over with. Together.”
He never got tired of the way Ryder made his heart skip a beat.
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dylexic-words · 5 years
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Fictober 2019 Day 1—“It will be fun, trust me.”
“I wasn’t expecting you, Walter. Is there something wrong with your prosthetic?”
“No, ma’am. I’m here to see Ed. Is he home?”
“He’s been holed up in his room all morning. Maybe you can get him to come out.”
Edward stirred at the sound of Walter’s and Pinako’s voices echoing down the hall. He didn’t remember falling asleep. Although his goal that morning had been to get some long neglected research done, it had been incredibly hard to actually bring himself to pay attention to the words in his alchemy books. Lately his thoughts had been left to wander in every attempt he made to get anything done—and his attempts often ended in frustration, and a nagging sense of inadequacy.
His attention was drawn to the gentle knock on his door.
“Ed? Are you up?”
With a tired grunt, he pushed himself off his bed (and crumpled notes) and went to answer the door.
“What do you want, Walter?”
He hadn’t meant to come off quite so aggressively, but the frown on his friend’s face instantly made him regret even getting up to answer the door. Edward was about to apologize, but Walter spoke first.
“You look terrible. When was the last time you brushed your hair?”
Edward ran a hand through his greasy, knotted hair.
“I guess it’s been a while.”
Walter’s frown deepened.
“All right, that’s it. I know you haven’t seen sunlight in days. You’re coming with me to the Sheep Festival.”
That made Edward pause. The last time he had gone to the festival, Winry had still been alive. He had come home because Winry had called him only days before to tell him that she was pregnant. They went on a date to the Sheep Festival the same day he got back to celebrate.
It was only a year ago, but to him it felt like a whole lifetime had passed since that day. For the first time in a very long time, he had known peace and happiness.
Those two things didn’t seem to like to stay with him. He thought he would never have to feel this way after he got his brother’s body back and their long journey had finally come to an end. And even if something happened, he thought he would be more prepared. He had learned to cope with his mother's death, given everything that had happened, and when he began his travels once more, he was able to finally start healing from Nina’s tragic loss. And although he would never forget that Hoenheim abandoned them all those years ago, the anger he once felt had faded when his body was found kneeling before his mother’s grave. His death made him sad to think about, but Edward felt peace knowing that his father had died with a smile on his face.
He thought he would be prepared for the rest of his life. He never thought that he would lose Winry—not now.
The idea of going to the Sheep Festival left him feeling hollow and empty. It was a reminder of everything he had lost.
Suddenly, all Edward wanted to do was go back to bed.
“I don’t really want to go to the festival, actually,” Edward said. “I’ve been to it enough times.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun, trust me.”
“How would you know? You’re not from Risembool.”
“Fair,” Walter chuckled, “but it’s better than sitting in your room all day. Don’t you think you’ll feel better if you go out and do something?”
Edward scoffed. He took a step back, as if trying to dodge a blow.
“That’s not how it works. It’d be really nice if going outside was all it took to solve all of my problems, but that’s not how life works. Besides, why do you care? Why do you care what I do with my life?”
Walter sighed. He looked down, avoiding Edward’s gaze.
“I know it’s not that simple. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot, and I know grief isn’t something you can just get over. But I also know that it hurts a lot more than it has to when you cut yourself off from the world and everyone in it. And the thing is…” Walter hesitated. “...you helped me. Now I want to help you. We don’t have to go to the festival if you don’t want to, but let me help you. I haven’t seen you in weeks, and I’m worried about you.”
That was strange. He had thought he had done well in keeping his distance. Lately it seemed, when he distanced himself from people, he got the space that he wanted, and nobody was able to reach him again. He had convinced his brother not to worry, he helped Pinako as much as he could so she wouldn’t worry as much about the time he spent isolated or asleep, and most people in Risembool didn’t know him beyond the surface. They were all aware of Winry’s death, because she was a well-known automail engineer, and news traveled fast in the small town of Risembool. But it seemed nobody had bothered to really know how he was doing, because he was able to keep that distance, and perhaps because he was the Fullmetal Alchemist.
So, it seemed strange that someone cared enough to call him out on his bluff after all he had done to maintain it.
“All right, fine. I’m not doing this for long though. Just enough to get you off my back.”
Walter smiled.
“It’ll take more than that, Elric.”
This is VERY rough and possibly very ooc, but I really wanted to participate in Fictober this year, so I’m trying not to care too much about that haha.
I’ve had this idea for an AU based after the ending of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood for a while now. The concept is this—Winry dies while giving birth to her and Edward’s child, and Edward is left to grieve. This triggers lots of unresolved issues with his mental health, so he just kinda breaks, and cuts himself off from the people he cares about. He stays in Risembool and ends up helping Pinako run the automail business and helping patients with minor injuries. (Pretty sure Pinako is the only doctor, right? It’s been a few months since I rewatched FMAB.) Then one day, a man is rushed in after a freak accident, where he ends up losing his leg. (It either needs to be amputated or it was lost in the accident, honestly I have no idea at the moment. All I do know is that my character Walter is not getting automail, but he does get a prosthetic, since they make non-automail prosthetics?) Edward gets to know this man, and they develop a friendship that eventually turns into something more.
I wanted to write a fic like this for a couple reasons. First, I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief since the beginning of the year, and this is a healthy way to process it.
Another reason is because I really wanted to write about Edward dating a guy, but I don’t ship him with any male characters in canon, so logically the next step is to create a male OC so I can write a really gay slowburn FMA fic. I’m not 100% sure what Ed’s sexuality would be, since I’m personally not comfortable using labels (I label myself under the gay/queer umbrella term because nothing else seems right), but I don’t want this to be an “Ed realizes he’s actually gay” fic since I’m for the most part basing this off canon. That seems disrespectful to Winry, and I actually really like her as a character. EdWin is also a really cute ship. The truth is, I just like making my favorite characters suffer lol.
I don’t know much about Walter as an OC yet, except that he has his own mental health issues and he’s hella gay.
I really like the concept of this fic, but I’m not sure when I’ll start writing chapters. It really depends on how Fictober goes. The point of me doing this is to get me back into the habit of writing after years of depression and garbage self esteem holding me back, but hhhhh. Balancing school and work and depression/anxiety is really hard. *shrug*
Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed. Don’t expect every day to have this high of a word count—I’m trying not to set myself up for failure by being grossly unrealistic in my word count. Today was just a lucky/unlucky day. (It’s very late. D:) And for my VLD followers, I am definitely planning on posting VLD content this month, so stay tuned! I’m doing a little bit of everything!
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kay-aceparagus · 5 years
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I am a 28 year old asexual person. I have only learned about asexuality when I was 22. What is an asexual person? It is a person who does not experience sexual attraction or desires. There are different shades of asexuality. Some asexuals don't mind sex although, they find it being similar to doing a household chore. Whereas other asexuals would feel absolutely no interest in sex at all. A lot of people have told me that I will like or enjoy sex once I've tried it. The most common question I get asked is, "How will you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?" Well here is the thing, I do not have any interest or desire to want to try it with myself or with another person. Does that make me abnormal? No. Some may view this as a 'phase' that I will grow out of or that I am a prude. I have always felt extremely dissatisfied whenever I explain myself to other people. It is a valid sexuality, it is not a disorder and it is not a choice to abstain from sex (unlike celibacy). It is simply an intrinsic feeling of having little or no sexual desires.   
Back in high school, when all my female classmates were talking about 'cute' boys. I would just look at the posters of the boys and thought that they're just boys. How do you mean cute? When does one define a boy as cute? Cute like a cartoon character or like a puppy? I have also always been a 'no-touchy' person. Physical contact to me is somewhat sacred and would only be present when there is something deeply special about my relationship with the other person. The immediate feeling I would have for a person who I find interesting is that I just want to Friend this person so hard. I want to know what are their thoughts, dreams, opinions, deepest insecurities, childhood stories, and favourite music. If I find myself liking this person, I would be more than happy to spend more and more time with this person and then eventually love this person. But my thoughts never ventured into things like what do they look like without clothes on? Or can we make out right now? I have always felt that making out is an awkward activity to do and a waste of time. I find more meaning in taking a nice stroll with this person and then we just talk about deep stuff. 
I only read up on asexuality after a friend told me that there is a community of people like me and they have website called AVEN (short for The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network). I felt a huge weight lifted off me after reading people's stories that so closely resembled mine! I was not the only one who is 'abnormal' or weird. It doesn't help when sex is so normalised in society. In Asian households, it is expected that once you are old enough to get married, the next step would be to have children. Another common question I get asked during family gatherings, "Do you have a boyfriend yet? When are you going to get married?". My usual reply would be, "No, I don't have a boyfriend and I don't think I will be getting married." To which they'd brush off saying, "Oh, you're still young, don't say that." 
Some asexuals don't identify as straight, bi or gay. I guess it would be slightly similar to being pansexual but just minus the sexual intimacy. Most of the time I just want people to view me as a person, period. I don't have to conform to the expectations of being a girl. I used to have long hair and for many years I did not want to cut it short for fear that I would succumb to becoming the stereotypical butch lesbian. That was during the time when I was questioning my sexuality and I had no idea about asexuality. I kept thinking, "Well, if I don't find boys cute then I guess I fall under the category of lesbian?" And as a Christian, I was having a huge internal battle with sexuality. What I learnt in the recent years is that asexuality is a sexual orientation on its own. I'm not straight, bi or gay; I'm asexual or sometimes I would just label myself as queer to make things simpler (umbrella term for anyone under LGBTQA+). I remember feeling exhausted after being out for a few hours with my hair down and a dress. I couldn't wait to go home to get back into my normal clothes and tie my hair up. I would get this really strange uncomfortable feeling that I still find it hard to explain. But it only happens when I'm 'girly'. It's not to say that I don't want to be a girl, it's just that after finally cutting my hair short, I finally feel like me. I'm not hiding myself from anyone anymore. 
I was around 14 years old when a a very young tennis friend noticed something about me. Every time I played tennis, I would wear my cap backwards. I felt very insecure about showing people what the 'real' me looked like with long hair. So I would only let them see my hair after I had my shower. And it was during that time when I was waiting for my hair to dry that my young friend said that she noticed that I was two very different people inside and outside my cap. I have never felt so naked before. But it was so true. I felt more like me with the cap than with my natural hair.  I felt like I was having long hair for other people and not for myself. Since cutting my hair, my father would ask me every time I come home for the weekend, "Why is your hair so short? You used to be so pretty with your long hair." Little does he know, that if I were to have long hair again, I would only be growing it out for him. And what is the point of that? What is the point of meeting other people's expectations at the cost of my happiness and inner peace? I understand that it would be difficult and heartbreaking for the other person such as my father to witness someone they love change their appearance so drastically. But it was years and years of questioning, pain and self discovery to finally come to terms with myself. 
I have never felt more like myself until recent years. And being a woman doesn't necessarily mean I have to have long hair, put on makeup and wear dresses. Nor does it mean that I have to end up being married with children. I just want to be me. Asexuality (or any type of sexuality) doesn't have a certain face, image or style. I'm just a person who happens to be asexual. 
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icarus-imagines · 5 years
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Hermione Granger X Female!Hufflepuff!Reader
Could you do a hermione granger x female hufflepuff reader?
Word Count: 3,053
~Her Freckles Taste Like Cinnamon~
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“Hermione, stop it…”
Hermione, despite being told what to do, even though the voice was soft spoken, in fact, did not ‘stop it’. She continued on, her quill that held a pretty raven colored feather, swishing quickly back and forth with the quick movements of her well-trained hand. Words of deep and dark black ink stained the beigish/brown parchment, leaving her handwriting of concentrated hard work in its wake. This only seems to aggravate the one who had spoken up however, you, to the point they had to devise another way to get Gryffindor Granger to stop her actions.
With a swift jerk of your hand, you snatched up the quill that had once been placed in her pretty little hands. While it could have been classified as a very rude thing to do, it was the only way to get her attention. Because when she was focused on something all the other things behind her would wash away and become a blur in her peripheral vision of sight.
Holding the quill in your hands you pulled it farther away from her when she tried to reach forward to take hold of it once again. Her usual warm gingerbread eyes glare intensely into your own (E/c) with such a ferocity that you could only conclude that whatever she was going through truly was of more importance than mere homework. How troubled inside she could be, yet on the outside look like the same girl people believed her to be.
“Please, give it back,” Hermione whisper-yelled with desperation. If it was not for the fact you were both in the library you wondered what she would have done instead. “I need it.”
“You say you need this,” you start, silently pulling a chair and sitting beside her, “but you don’t seek what you truly need.”
She stares at you perplexed for a few moments before retracting her hand to ball into her lap as a small sign of defeat. While you were an ordinary Hufflepuff girl you talked like a Ravenclaw. Your words were somehow like writing poetry when they spilled from your lips. All people who knew you would all agree that even if you had called someone an atrocious and nasty name it would still sound like bell chimes on the porch of a cozy house. Everything you said was a lullaby, on that Hermione needed more than she knew. With her rough exterior, she needed someone to calm her thoughts and insecurities.
Oh, how she needed you more than life itself yet even she herself didn’t know it.
With a small sigh, she momentarily forgot about the mass of books, both open and stacked, on the table along with the long winding parchment paper for an essay due next week, to instead look at you. Her dark and nicely bushy hair brushed over her shoulder when she swirled her head to look at you. Those eyes of earthquakes stopped their assault and focused on you. Just you. And nothing else that was raging on inside.
“What is it that I need?” she sighed a bit. She may have not looked like she was enjoying this conversation, but deep down inside she was. She was glad you noticed her very very subtle change in her demeanor today. You, besides maybe Harry and Ron, knew what truly went on in that impressive brain of hers.
“A shoulder to cry on,” you replied simply, standing up for a second to scoot your chair closer to you. Both your bare legs touched each other, due to the short skirt, and you could feel her skin heating against your already.
Her eyes widened a bit in what you perceived as not only shock and confusion but startlement and fright. “W-What?” her words wavered into a stutter that you knew she would be internally cursing herself with.
“Hermione,” you said sweetly like that of cajolement as not to anger her or even worse, scare her off. “As your girlfriend, there are rules I must abide by, you know.”
Her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, but her cheekbones dusting with a delectable pink from your word of ‘girlfriend’. While gay-marriage and all that followed under the umbrella term was allowed, but it was still a touchy subject to those who did not like the act. Hermione’s parents were one of the few getting used to the idea, so having their own daughter have these tendencies and likes was still confusing. Since she was taught at such a young age to believe certain ideals, it still made her flustered when the topic came up.
She loved you with every fiber in her being. The taboo rule of being a same-sex couple just made her feel like she wasn’t abiding by the laws for which they had been placed for more than a few decades. It was like a dessert she could never eat even though her mouth was telling her to devour it. You were that dessert, that caramel filled chocolate that made her not care about rules or peoples judgment.
But sometimes...it did get to her.
“Rules,” she asked slowly, trying to figure out what you meant. “What rules?”
You reached over and gingerly took her hand in yours. Overall, her hand was smooth and like a girl’s was supposed to be, but on her fingertips, there were tenuous bumps from calluses. All the years she had spent writing, flipping pages from books, conjuring up potions to help her friend group called the ‘Golden Trio’. One might find it unladylike, to have rough hands, even though hers were still quite nice. But you found it utterly fascinating.
How she had been through so much in such a short amount of time. To think she was a normal schoolgirl in England, but now a student under the tutelage of wizards in a school of magic in Scotland. She had progressed so far, done so many things. You idolize her even before she knew of your name. Before she even knew you, a poetic Hufflepuff, even existed. To be her significant other was like a dream come true and you never wanted it to end.
“Well,” you began, your right hand, which was not occupied with her own, tapping on your chin in thought, “wouldn’t you think it was my duty to always make you happy?”
A sideways smile appeared on her face and while she tried to make it look real, it was obviously fake. She knew you probably knew this too, you knew everything about her. “But I am happy,” she tried to persuade you to think so. “Why would you think I am anything else but happy?”
Your face turns from playful to serious in the span of five seconds after she utters those words. “I know you're not happy. It’s quite easy to tell even though your best friends Harry and Ron might not figure it out.”
Her small smile disappears and she wears a frown that makes your insides twist. “Yes, you’re...you're right,” she confirms your deductions, breaking under the pressure of keeping her mask on in front of you. “I haven’t been myself lately and I am more than sure you already know why.”
You get closer to her, your shoulder brushing against her, and even though the clothes covering your bodies separate you two, you swear you can feel the heated skin beneath meeting your own. “Yes, but I can’t really understand why, “ you begin, but quickly try to explain yourself. “I mean I do. I understand just how much he can get on your nerves and drag you down, but…,” you look into her eyes, you orbs small spheres of fire, “I cannot begin to imagine someone like you losing to someone like Malfoy.”
You see the disgust evident on her face when you say his last name, but your words seem to calm her down. They offer her solace and shelter. To know you believe in her and everything she does is more than incredible. Others believe in her too, but your faith in her is selfless. Unconditional love and affection beyond measure.
“He is just that type of person,” she says through her gritted teeth. While the majority of the feelings he inflicted on her to have was that of anger, some of it was sadness. You knew it wasn’t just an inkling in the back of your mind for she continued one. “I used to think boys were amazing, but the older I get the more I feel repulsed.”
“Some boys are good and some are bad. You just need to find the ones who make you feel happy, make you feel like you could conquer the world,” you laugh a little thinking about the Chosen One Harry and the goofy Weasley Is Our King. Your laugh seems to brighten her mood, a genuine smile flitting across her features.
The small, almost undetectable freckles upon her cheeks glow in the low light. They look like sprinkles of bright golden dust, powered on her face to make her look otherworldly. You can’t but lean in. Lean in closer to that very face and softly peck a chaste kiss upon it. An odd thought pops in your head for a second, wondering if you would be able to take those sprinkled freckles and convert them onto your lips.
She smells of spicy cinnamon, such a feisty seasoning, you thought. If they did stick to my lips, which is impossible, would they taste of cinnamon?
As you lean back and open your eyes, you are welcomed with the amusing expression she now sports. With a face the color of summer cherries and gingerbread eyes sparkling with something unknown, you can only think of the million things running through her mind. But before you could question it, she surprises in one of the ways you never thought she would do.
She kisses you.
Her lips are soft and you taste a small, yet still significant, amount of peach from the plump extremities of flesh. Hidden in a more isolated part of the library, she had gained the courage to act upon your flirtation attitude and actions. Replying to her move, you lean into her, a tilt of your head giving you more access to be one with you to a more fulfilling extent.
Her hands come up to clutch at you yellow and black Hufflepuff attire. The cotton of the sweater underneath the traditional robes shift against her hands, almost enticing her to go under, but she stays put. There needs to be no more progress beside this, for this is all she needs. This is close enough for her even though there could be more progression.
Your own hands slid up from her elbows to her shoulders and finally to her head. With one hand, you stick it behind the adjoined meeting place of her neck and the bottom of her skull, while the other comes to cup of her cheek. Both your hands are full with her hot skin, her big hair, and you know then this is all you want from life.
Sooner than either of you wish, you both part in favor of more than needed oxygen. As you inhale air to keep yourselves alive, you still stay close, her darker toned bangs brushing your forehead. You can feel her warm breath wafting over your face, the heat doing nothing to quell the flush you now have obtained yourself. Inhaling a bit you smell the strong scent of cinnamon wafting off of her body. You love the smell. Her own natural scent she carries with her wherever she roams.
Her cute lips are parted in an almost provocative way. Looking at them makes you want to snatch them up again however you do not. Instead, your (E/c) orbs shift from her lips to her eyes. Despite thinking of them to have their pupils full-blown and wide, they are the opposite. They are shiny, gleaming with pure love. No lust, is in them. This fact drives your insides wild knowing this attraction you feel for each other is not some fling. It is here. And it is here to stay.
“You astound me,” you whisper soothingly, feeling the edge of sleep catching you. Or was it lovesickness in disguise, perhaps?
“That is supposed to be my line,” she smiles, a more than adorable giggle flitting past her lips at your compliment to her.
You both giggle together as you untangle yourselves, life becoming the reality once again after indulging into a moment of tranquility. As she fixes her hair, though you doubt anybody would notice, you help stack the open books into neat piles on the wooden desk. Curling up her parchment into her school bag, making sure it is secure and won’t fall out, you push in your chair with a smile.
She looks at her leather school bag hanging from your shoulder, but you quickly wave it off. “I’ve got it,” you tell her.
She grins, her mood somehow brightening the whole room. To know she is thankful for your help makes you all the much more content. Black school shoes click-clacking just quiet enough to not make a big ruckus. You casually grab her arm, linking it with yours, and make it back to your respective common rooms together.
Though she insisted on leading you back, her chivalry shining through, you lead her first to her own Gryffindor common room. You wanted to not only see her off but to make sure she doesn’t have to walk alone after having to go to your much farther away Hufflepuff House common room. What kind of girlfriend would you be if you did that?
Standing idly outside of the common room, far enough from the Fat Lady so she will not overhear your conversations, you give Hermione back her bag. “Thank you,” she speaks, clutching her leather school bag tightly.
“What for?” you chide playfully.
“Helping me,” she replies quickly. “Reminding me that other people's views and opinions cannot dictate what I do with my life. How I lead my life, though it may ‘hurt’ others, should be one that makes me happy. Makes me joyful in everything I do.”
Her words melt your heart, and as she moves forward to put a stray strand of (H/c) hair behind your ear you find yourself replying back. “I want you to live a life a life you do not regret,” you say, though it could have a twinge of sadness peaking through.
She reacted quickly with, “Of course I won’t! With you by my side I know life will be more than worth living.”
“That makes me more than glad you hear you say that,” you murmur.
She smiles at you as a small goodbye and turns to head towards the Fat Lady. She only reaches about three steps before you tug her sleeve back. With a quick movement as she turns to look at you in bewilderment and confusion, you kiss her on the lips. You savor the taste of the peach and the heat of it all. Being swift, before she can do anything about it, you leave her lips and take a kitten lick of her heated cheek.
For a moment she forgets it will soon be past curfew and lets out a tiny shriek. “H-hey! What-What was that for!?”
“An experiment,” you say. “I wanted to figure something out.”
“I swear, all Hufflepuffs are completely lucid,” she sighs as you wipe her cheek clean of anything wet. “Well, did you figure it out?”
You give her a cheeky grin, laughing. “Yes, I now know for sure.”
She looks as if she wants to question you about it, but she lets it go, opting to leave you be. When you were like this she knew it was best to let you complete it without a word of disruption. “Whatever you say, (Y/n),” she bids you goodnight, walking back to the Fat Lady who seems to be giggling from the school love affair situation. “See you at breakfast.”
You wave to her as she disappears behind the painting and is engulfed into the Gryffindor common room. Smiling to yourself you turn on your heels and retreat to your own common room. With (E/c) orbs and flushes (S/c) flushed from the events that have occurred today you know sleep may be harder to come by tonight.
You don’t mind it in the least though. You had helped you fierce girlfriends realize that there are up and downs to living you must conquer. Whether you had a helping hand or none at all, you can get through things. It may be a hard winding road or it might be a straight road off into the horizon. Either way, you would be able to get over it.
Malfoy may not understand this right now, but hopefully, he would soon. Hopefully, he would learn picking on someone because of their blood is something that won't fix your own problems. Healing internally helps with healing externally. You kept in your prays the wish for him to understand this. Whether it starts tomorrow or in the years to come. To see Malfoy grow up and right his wrongs were one thing you desperately wanted to live to see.
Hermione was your inner and external struggle too. That girl with sharp words like a lion’s claws and the combined mind of a revolutionist was your weakness and your strength. A Gryffindor with a Hufflepuff. Such an unusual pair. A strong one though, when fitting bravery and patience together.
You did learn something overall, albeit it was small and probably useless. Yet it made your heart soar to the skies for some unfathomable reason only you yourself would truly know. And may it be an imaginary conclusion or true fact you concluded it was all you needed to know about her.
Her freckles taste like cinnamon...
~The End~
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glowstone replied to your post “In case you forgot, the q slur is still a slur. Reclaim it as an...”
@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels the q slur is still a slur. Op is I'm comfortable being called such and many other people are as well. It's historically a slur and still is to this day and many people are still called it. Just because you live in a blue state where it's being reclaimed doesn't mean everyone does. Your experiences are not universal. Think about how people who live in the south feel being called that when the only times they have heard it b4 was being shouted at
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not sure how to link two replies on the same post yet...
Well first of all, congratulations. You had to do some research on my blog to find out I currently live in a blue state, since I don’t mention that on my blog profile or about page. I appreciate it when people go through my entire blog finding out things about me so they can give me a “proper take down.” Here’s your gold star.
Here’s the thing, glowstone. You’re seventeen. And I well remember being seventeen, being full of fire, full of salt and vengeance, and ready to take on the world and thinking I knew everything. I hope you never lose that fire and that determination, because they’re wonderful things. And I hope you never stop trying to challenge people when you think that they’re mistaken or being hurtful.
But you are also seventeen. And you have a lot to learn.
I have literally gotten a degree studying queer literature. That is what my degree is in. That is what I spent an entire year doing research on for my final, culmination-of-my-entire-degree presentation. And as I pointed out, academia does not use slurs for the titles of their courses. I was not comparing racism to transphobia or homophobia, I was using it as an example of how academia does not use slurs as the titles of courses. A slur is a slur is a slur, no matter which demographic that slur might be aimed at, and so it’s a perfectly apt example.
I would consider actually doing research on queer history (yes, that is what it is called, you do not speak to LGBT Professors, you speak to “Professors of Queer Studies,” I don’t know how much more obvious I can be here). I think it would really open your eyes to how the word is being used.
Here are some links to book recs to help you start.
I would also be careful to put me or anyone in a box because “I live in a blue state.” I spent many years living in the Midwest, and in Florida. I have also traveled extensively, and while tumblr does tend to be very U.S.-centric, around the world queer is not considered the slur that you feel it is. In the Netherlands, for instance, it’s a perfectly accepted word by the community. People reclaim queer all over the country, all over the world, and the academic label of “queer studies” is universal.
As I said in my original post, if a person is not comfortable with being called queer, then that’s fine! All they have to do is say so. Just like I would tell someone I’m not comfortable being called pan because I feel that I’m bi. Pan doesn’t fit me as a label.
I would talk to queer people of color as well, people who are genderfluid, trans, etc, and not just people your age but older people too. I would specifically talk to activists, lawyers, academics, people who study and defend our community for a living. They are, in my experience, the ones calling themselves queer and they’re also (how fascinating) the ones people tell to “check themselves” and that “q is a slur and you can’t use it.”
It’s almost as if there are people in our community who are using “q is a slur” to silence the nonbinary, the noncis, the nonwhite, and so on. I’m not saying that you are doing that, not at all, dear glowstone, but I would do some research and ask around. Acephobia, biphobia, transphobia, and so on are alive and well in parts of our community and to police people in our community about using queer smacks strongly of that phobia, of gatekeeping, of “this is how you have to be or you’re not really a part of our community.” There are testimonies of people who say how they embraced queer and the queer community when the gay/lesbian community said they didn’t belong. Those testimonies are even here, on this very website, I’ve seen them.
Queer is a beautiful umbrella term. Some people are sitting here thinking, “I’m asexual genderfluid panromantic but wow that’s a lot to explain and I’m still not sure that fully encapsulates myself as an individual human” so they use ‘queer’ instead. I remember a friend talking about how they were treated like a boy by their parents despite being AFAB, and how their relationship with gender has always been rather interesting as a result, but they don’t identify as trans, so they use ‘queer’ instead. I have friends who drift between feeling like they’re demi, ace, and bi, so they use ‘queer’ because they still aren’t sure which box they fall into.
I may be white, and I make no effort to hide that or to hide my ignorance. But I’m not speaking for myself here. I am literally repeating what POC people in my life have told me. I do not quote them directly and am not tagging them, since they have asked not to be, but I am saying what they have said to me dozens of times. I personally feel that as a white person it’s my responsibility to speak up for POC when they are not comfortable or do not feel safe speaking up for themselves. I am repeating to you their words. Their statements. Their chosen identity. Please do not erase them by claiming I am speaking from my point of view, because I’m not.
There are literally articles out there (feel free to look them up I’m starting to feel lazy) that talk about the difference between queer identity and gay/lesbian identity. They talk about why some people are going to identify as queer as opposed to “picking a label.” Gay/lesbian/etc is, frankly, mainstream, and new. And those in our community who have always been on the outside--the people of color, the genderfluid, the trans, and so on--do not appreciate (and have said so repeatedly on tumblr and elsewhere) being policed about this word. Identifying as queer is a cultural movement that is being silenced by our current gay/lesbian framework and it’s not okay.
And frankly? Queer POC are not interested in us white people, especially young white people, telling them they can’t use that word because uwu it’s a slur when queer has been used as the title of a literal cultural movement. Which you would know if you studied... wait for it... Queer History.
Queer is the title of our entire cultural movement, our history, our literature. If you don’t want to use it for yourself, then you don’t have to!
But please, continue your education. Speak to our elders, read articles, contact your local university and ask to speak to the queer studies professors, go to a local queer activist chapter or queer activist lawyer. I personally recommend Dean Spade’s work as a good place to start, he’s a trans activist and professor who is (le gasp) from the south. But there’s a wealth of information out there for you. Please access it. Tumblr is a great space for our community but it is not university, it is not history, it is not the end all be all.
I hope you have a beautiful day, glowstone. Make yourself a nice hot chocolate and take a walk. And everyone else have a beautiful day too.
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lgbtqtruestories · 5 years
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How I Came Out/How I Was Outed
Hi. First thing first, don’t out people. 
Now I’ve said that, I can get to the story.
I came out a while ago, and it’s not like in the movies, at all. I was out to a few friends, a few ex-friends, one family member at once, and it was so confusing. 
I think I told my friend that I ended up dating first. She was cool, and supportive af. Then I told my other friend, and oh my god she was so supportive, like, sososososososoosossosoo supportive! It was so nice, because she was all cheerful and so happy for me for being brave and oh it wasn’t funny but I found it hilarious. Love ya, Gabby. 
I told my group chat with puns because I had an opportunity and yes, I was going to seize it. I think I explained to them that I didn’t want them to tell people. 
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They told. One of them told a group of people that hated my guts, and I don’t know why. Honestly, I don’t know what I did, but I was some sort of embarrassment that had to be hidden from and shunned. Fun!
Even better, this person messaged me to ask me if i could trust them with this information because they hang out with that group. I said that I had trust issues but I was deciding to trust her.
Yeah she told the group that was well-contacted and within a few days the whole school knew I was gay.
But I’m not gay, and that was the worst part. I was called a lesbo a bunch, to my face and more behind my back. 
I did get a small win though - she was sitting on my table when we were watching Love, Simon and when this bit happened
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I just gave her this look
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Somewhere in between, I started dating the first person I came out to. One person came up to me in class and asked if we were dating and if I was gay. I said yes to dating, no to gay, but she listened while I explained it all. I asked her not to advertise it, but if someone asked then she didn't have to lie.
I think the next day I had come out on my Instagram and Snapchat story, saying if people had genuine questions to ask me, but if they were just going to be little sh*ts they could f*ck right off. The person messaged me to say ‘Yeah, we get it.’ and the next day told me that if I wasn’t to advertise it then why did I post about it? 
That was my coming out. I literally captioned the post ‘My Coming Out’. 
I told my dad and his exact words were “I don’t care.” then I laughed and he corrected himself, saying, “I mean, it doesn’t change anything, you're still my kid and I still love you and all, but I don’t... really care if you know what I mean, like it’s not a big deal. Unless you want it to be a big deal because it’s your thing.”
I told my mum when we were coming home from my uncle’s funeral, and before I told her she asked if she was going to crash the car. I said no, and strung it out because I was nervous, but told her. 
I wasn’t nervous because she might kick me out, I knew she’d accept me, but I also knew that she’d do that whole thing about ‘Do you need a label’ and I’m there like ‘Yes Mum I need a label because I want to be able to identify myself and the one I’m using is literally an umbrella term for God’s sake!”
So that was me. Sorry to burden you with my opinion, but I wanted to tell you. If this helps you come out, I’m so happy for you. If you’re in the closet, that’s cool. If you’re not in a safe place to come out, talk to someone, or look for LGBT websites. There’s a bunch with a quick escape button that sends you straight to the weather reports in seconds if you need a quick exit, and I think that it clears itself from the search history. But come out when you’re ready, when it’s safe for you. We all come out at different times, all the time, even if you’re correcting someone’s pronouns.
Thanks for hearing my story. 
- Pegasi (she/her)
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