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thetriumphantpanda · 11 months

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Cruel Summer | Javier Peña (Chapter Five)

Series Summary | Javier Peña is back in Laredo, this time for good. He hadn’t banked on you still being there, especially not with a wedding ring on your finger. A complicated shared history and plenty of unresolved feelings between the two of you should make for an interesting summer.

Pairing | Javier Peña x Female Reader

Word Count | 5.2K (oooops, I got carried away)

Warnings | Descriptions of domestic abuse (not from our boi Javi), talk of injuries, infidelity, cheating, SMUT, oral (f receiving) and unprotected PiV sex (please don't do this, be smart and safe), mentions of alcohol, cigarettes, and pregnancy.

Authors Note | Thank you all for being so patience with me whilst I got my head back into writing this. This took me ages to figure out in my mind but I'm so proud of what I've managed to produce. I really appreciate hearing what y'all think of this series, comments and reblogs really do make my day with this - so if you enjoy it, let me know!

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Ethan is furious. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him so angry before. He’d arrived home late last night from his business trip, falling into bed sometime past midnight. He’d tossed and turned for a while as you pretended to be asleep next to him before he turned over, pulled at your arm to turn you onto your back and then crowded on top of you. You’d let him because it was easier than denying him, but when he pushed himself inside of you all you could think about was Javier.

What would he do in this situation? You’d like to think he’d at least take some time to make sure you were enjoying yourself. Was he the type of man who would spend hours with his head between your thighs just because he liked the way his name fell from your mouth? You think he would be. Would he whisper sweet nothing’s into your ear in Spanish whilst he was buried deep inside you? God, you hoped so. By the time Ethan was spilling himself inside of you and rolling over, leaving you, as he always did, completely unsatisfied and feeling completely used, all your brain could focus on was the animalistic need to know exactly what Javier would do to you in bed.

Now, as Ethan stands in the kitchen, fuming after he found the wads of cash from your farmer’s market sale, all you wanted to do was run. Run from this pathetic life and into whatever it was that Javier could give you.

“I fucking told you I would get around to sorting it out!” He shouts at you, “And you had to go and completely disobey me! How does this make me look?”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes, “Ethan, it’s been pushing one hundred degrees the entire time you’ve been away, I need that new AC unit because otherwise I’m going to die in that shop, and I think a little bit of embarrassment is better than admitting to the town that I’m dead because you couldn’t be bothered to fix it.”

“Don’t be so fucking dramatic,” He fumes, his skin flushing red, “I bet that asshole Peña had something to do with this.”

“Because now every time I do something you don’t like it has to involve him?” You raged, “Newsflash Ethan, I’ve been doing things you don’t like since before we got married, and that certainly had nothing to do with Javier and everything to do with the fact you can’t stand me.”

“Did he have anything to do with it?”

You don’t know why you don’t lie in this moment. Maybe it would have been easier, less of an argument to deal with, but you can’t help yourself, “Maybe he did.”

“I fucking knew it!” Ethan slams his fist down on the kitchen counter, “That asshole, trying to worm his way into my family, walking around this fucking town like he’s some sort of king because he took down Escobar,” You can’t help yourself but think that you might actually be able to see steam coming out of his ears soon, “And you!” He’s pointing a finger at you as he rounds the counter, “How many times do I have to tell you to stay the hell away from him, or are you just too fucking stupid to understand me?”

It all happens at once. You’ve slapped him hard across the face and in this moment, you can’t tell which of you is more surprised. He’s stood inches away from your face with a look in his eyes that has panic settling in your stomach. He could kill you if he wanted to. It’s the first time you’ve thought he might, with his chest heaving and his eyes like daggers. You’re scared.

“How. Fucking. Dare. You.” He spits out into your face, he’s got wide hands placed around the tops of your arms and before you know it your back is pressed against the wall, he’s squeezing the skin so hard that you’re crying out, “Someone needs to teach you some fucking respect.”

If you weren’t so frightened, you’d have some stupid retort about the fact that it certainly couldn’t be him, because even with a ring around your finger you could never respect this man in front of you, but you keep your mouth shut.

“Ethan please,” You whimper, “Please let me go, you’re hurting me.”

“Oh, I’m hurting you, am I?” He jeers into your face, squeezing his hands around your arms even harder, “You should have thought about that before you fucking slapped me, stupid girl.”

He pulls you back from the wall slightly before slamming you backwards again, the force of it causing the back of your head to hit the wall behind you, “You better lose the attitude or I will take us so far away from this place you’ll never see your stupid friends or your precious Javier Peña again, do you understand me?”

You nod, sniveling through your tears, then he finally lets your arms go and steps away from you, “Get out of my fucking sight.”

You don’t waste any time in doing just that, stopping just long enough to grab a thin cardigan and your car keys before your hurtling to your car with nowhere really to go. Your immediate thought is Javier, but it’s the middle of the day and he’ll be out helping Chucho on the ranch. You don’t think you can bare the heat of the shop, or the fact that you might have to interact with a customer, so that’s out too. There’s only one person left – Gabriela. There’s an internal battle you’re having with yourself, she’s so close to having her baby that you don’t want to intrude on her, but she’s the only person you can think of who will know what to do right now.

You’re not really sure how you manage to make it to her house unscathed with the amount of tears that are dropping from your eyes and the way your hands are shaking, but you’re pulling up in front of her house in no time.

“Good God alive, what on earth is the matter?!” She exclaims when she opens the door, pulling you into a hug, protruding belly crushed between you.

“Oh Gabriela everything’s gone so wrong and I don’t know what to do.” You cry, sniffing into her shoulder, you pull away and briefly apologise for getting her shirt wet, to which she gives you a look that says ‘don’t be so fucking stupid’ before she’s ushering you inside.

She waddles in front of you, clearly uncomfortable, and sternly tells you to sit at the breakfast bar whilst she boils some water to make tea. In no time at all there’s a steaming mug placed in front of you, and she’s sat herself down on the chair next to you with her own mug.

“So, where do we start?” She’s coaxing you, hand holding your own.

“I’m fucking miserable Gabs,” You speak softly, “And I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” She scoffs, “What’s he done this time?”

“He found the money,” You’re looking into the amber liquid of the green tea in front of you, “Lost his mind that I’d done it without him, got cross because it was Javi’s idea and then told me to get out and leave him alone.”

“Did he hurt you?” She asks, “And I swear if you lie to me once more about this, I’m actually going to lose my mind.”

You nod, it’s small, but she catches it, and you can hear the inhalation of breath, “But it was my fault, I slapped him first.”

“Did you slap him first all the other times he’s clearly hurt you?” You shake your head this time, “Show me.” She’s asking.

You slowly slip the cardigan off your arms. You look down and there are perfect red welts on your skin where Ethan’s fingers had been digging into your arm earlier. No doubt in time they’d bruise, “Jesus fucking Christ.” Is Gabriela’s response.

“I’m sorry Gabs, I didn’t wanna burden you with this I promise, but I didn’t know where else to go.”

“You think this is a burden to me?” She’s imploring, catching your eyeline when you try to look away, “Cielito, this is nothing like a burden, it’s a bloody relief, I’ve been wanting you to tell me this for years.”

“You knew?”

“Of course I knew, dumbass, all those times you cancelled on me last minute and disappeared for days? You had to be hiding something, and the longer you’ve been with him the longer I’ve known he’s a horrible man – doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”

“What do I do, Gabs?”

“Only you can answer that question, but that,” She points to your arms, “That’s assault, so you can go to the police, and then there’s always divorce.”

“I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I can’t do this on my own Gabriela, I’m so fucking scared, he’s got everything, he’s going to take everything, I won’t have my shop anymore, I’ll be homeless, where do I even start?”

Gabriela bites at her lip whilst she thinks, “You won’t have to do this alone, I promise you,” She’s got your hand clutched in hers again, “Can you give me a few weeks?” She’s asking, “I know it’s a lot to ask, but let me get this gremlin out of me first, and then I promise we’ll get you out, okay?”

You nod in agreement because it’s more than you thought you’d get. The idea of freedom could surely see you through the next couple of weeks, “If it gets too bad then you let me know and we’ll sort something out, I promise, okay?”

She’s hugging you then, the kind of bone crushing hug that only she would be capable of, and you can feel yourself crying again. What on earth had you done to deserve her?

“I’ll get out of your hair soon, but can I borrow your phone really quickly?” You ask.

“Of course, I need to use the bathroom again anyway, so I’ll give you some space.”

Once she’s out of earshot, you’re dialing the number that you’d had memorized since high school, even with his years of absence. After a few rings someone picks up on the other end.

“Hi, Chucho, it’s me.”

“Ahhh Mija, how are you today?”

“I’m well thank you, how about you?”

“Not too bad thank you, just come inside to beat the midday heat for a while.”

“Ah yes,” You smile, you’ve always loved the sound of Chucho’s voice, calm and stoic, reminding you of your own father, which is probably why you like it so much, “I hope you’ve got plenty of ice-cold lemonade,” You bite at the side of your thumbnail, “Is Javi there?” You ask, hoping it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to get rid of him too soon.

“He is, let me just pass you over.”

There’s the sound of shuffling on the other end of the phone and you can hear Chucho telling Javi it’s you on the other end, then there’s silence before he’s speaking.

“Hola querida,” God his voice is like butter, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” You reply quietly, “I just wanted to hear your voice, I hope you don’t mind me calling in the middle of the day.”

“I wouldn’t mind you calling in the middle of the night, querida, don’t worry,” You can hear him drinking someone on the other end of the phone, “You sure you’re okay?” He asks again.

“I was wondering if I could see you tonight?” You ask meekly, not wanting to make yourself a burden to another person today.

“You can,” He’s replying, “Where?”

“Can I come to you?”

You can hear him shuffling a little on the other end of the phone, you can hear the shifting of paper, he must be looking at the calendar that’s hanging near the phone – his mother had insisted on it when she was still alive, and Chucho makes sure there’s a new one there every January 1st.

“Yes,” He replies softly, “Pops has a poker game in town tonight according to the calendar, he should be gone by seven, is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course, I’m happy with whatever is best for you, I’ll see you then.”

“Alright, querida, take care and I’ll see you later.”

“See you later, Javi.” You whisper softly before you’re hanging up the phone.

You put the phone back on the receiver and rub your hands over your face, trying to ignore the pooling of nerves in your tummy. If Gabriela could sense all these years that something was off, then there’s no doubt that Javi will know as well. He’s the most perceptive man you’ve ever met. The dull ache of Ethan’s fingerprints on your arms were ever-present now, there was no way you’d be able to hide them from him.

“You can stay here for a while if you want,” Gabriela’s voice calls from the living room, “I would only be folding baby clothes on my own.”

You spend the rest of the afternoon helping Gabriela like she suggested, folding baby clothes, setting out diapers and toiletries in the bathroom and eating her famous enchiladas for dinner. Diego comes home sometime after five, giving you a hug, before he’s pulling out two beers which you enjoy with your friends in their back garden. The sun is setting and it’s nearing six in the evening when you bid them both farewell.

“Please let me know if you need us, okay?” Gabriela whispers into your hair as she hugs you goodbye, “There’s isn’t a thing in this world that would stop us from helping you.”

You bite back tears before you nod your head, giving Diego a similar hug, before you’re hopping in your car and driving out of town towards the Peña ranch.

It doesn’t take as long as you’d anticipated but when you drive up you can see there’s only one truck parked outside which means Chucho must have already left for the evening. Javier is stood on the porch before you’ve stepped down from the truck. You make sure the cardigan you’d worn was buttoned up before you head over to him.

“Evening, querida.” He speaks softly, dipping his head to kiss you on the cheek.

Before he can fully pull away, you’ve got a hand on the back of his neck, pulling his lips to yours. His hands weave around your waist and you wrap your other arm around his neck to press your body more firmly to his own before you’re pulling away from him, breathless.

“Evening to you too.” You smile, and it’s genuine. This man has done nothing but make you happy since he came back.

“You want a drink?” He asks, giving your waist a squeeze, “I bought that wine you used to like drinking, although thinking about it now we were young so your tastebuds have probably matured.”

You giggle and follow him inside, “They definitely haven’t, is it the white one that we used to drink out of the bottle against the tree?”

He nods as he leads you to the kitchen, dipping into the fridge to pull it out. It is indeed the exact same brand of wine you’d get drunk on together when he was still around, “You want a glass, or shall we drink it like old times?”

“Old times,” You reply with a smile as he undoes the screw top, “Can we sit outside?”

He’s taking the first swig from the wine, pulling the same face he used to all those years ago, as he motions for you to head out to the back porch. You always loved this ranch at dusk. The way the sun set and bathed everything in gentle orange light, the fact there was no noise from the town to distract you, the sound of the crickets chirping. It was peaceful.

Javi settles onto the bench, and you sit across from him, he leans his arm across the back of the bench and moves his head to tell you he wants you closer, so you shift your body to lean against his chest, head placed on his shoulder. You hope he doesn’t catch the discomfort when you lean too hard onto your arm and shift slightly, but if he does, he’s not mentioned it, instead, he’s passing you the wine which you take a drink from.

“You sounded upset on the phone, querida, are you sure you’re okay?”

You take another drink before you pass it back to him, “Ethan came home last night,” You’re speaking as you look into the distance, “Guess I just realized how much I enjoy it when he’s away.”

“I’m sorry,” He says softly, bringing his hand to your arm to squeeze him into his side, it’s stings as he grips to the sore skin from earlier, but you think you manage to play it off, “What can I do to help?”

He takes a long drink of the wine and then hands it back to you, watching intently as you do the same before you place the half-empty bottle on the floor, “Just kiss me Javi,” You speak, “Make me forget about it for a while.”

“You want me to just kiss you, querida?” He asks, his voice dropping to a husky whisper, “Or do you want more?”

You shift to look him in the eye, “I want it all Javi,” You lean up to press a chaste kiss to his lips pulling away before he can take more, “I’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?”

He untangles himself from you and stands up before he stretches out his hand for you take, he must see the confusion on your face because he’s talking again, “If you’ve been waiting then I’m not going to fuck you on the porch, querida, come on.”

You slip your hand into his and then he’s dragging you through the house and up the stairs. He opens the door to his room, which you don’t really take in, he’s motioning his hand for you to sit on the bed, which you do.

He walks over to you and pushes your chin up with one of his fingers. He’s looming over you and if this was anyone else it would make you feel uncomfortable, but he’s looking at you like you were about to give him the world, before he’s leaning down and pressing his lips softly to your own. In the back of your mind you can feel him unbuttoning the front of your cardigan, it’s a relief because it’s so fucking warm in here, he’s pulling back from your mouth to push it off and then he stops. He’s not pulled it all the way off, the material bunching in the crook of your elbow because he’s seen. He’s seen the marks on your arms. Perfect red indentations of fingertips.

He's kneeling in front of you now, between your thighs, as he takes one arm in his hand, “Did he do this to you?”

“Javi please…” You beg him.

“Did he do this to you?” He asks again, slower and with a register that tells you he isn’t messing around, you nod at him, “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

He’s standing like he’s going to get in his car and do it. You grab at his wrist, “Javi please, don’t,” You pull him back to you, “It was my fault.” You say softly, just like you had to Gabriela.

“This?!” He’s back on his knees again, clutching at your arm, “This is never your fault, do you understand me?” He’s looking into your eyes again, then he softens, “It doesn’t matter what you did, you don’t deserve this.”

“Please, will you just come back to me,” You plead, taking his face in your hands, “I need to forget him, just for tonight.”

In the back of his mind he knows it’s not right, it’s just a distraction, and all he really wants is to know what’s going on, but the way your eyes are pleading with him, he can’t say no, “Only if you promise to talk to me after?”

“I promise.” You reply almost immediately, and then he’s crowding you, he’s settling between your thighs but this time his lips are on yours and it’s overwhelming.

You widen your legs as your mouth opens to him, tongues mixing together. You can taste the cheap wine and the cigarettes he swears he’s trying to give up on. He can taste a sweetness he’s never felt before when he’s kissed a woman. It fast and it’s messy, and you don’t understand why you’re moaning into his mouth when he’s not really touched you. Without breaking the kiss, he’s moving, you’re pushed back onto the bed and he’s settled between your thighs, and then he’s pulling his mouth from yours to trail hot, wet kisses over your throat.

God, he wants to sink his teeth into your skin. Wants to mark you so that when you go home, he knows, knows that there’s someone out there who’s going to cherish you until his dying breath, going to protect you from men like him. He knows better, knows that you’ll be going home alone and any mark on your body would mean more marks from him, and Javi doesn’t think he can bare the fact that it’ll be his fault, so he sticks to kisses. He can feel your hands on his shoulders, sinking in through the material of his shirt and he wants more.

He's pushing himself back from you, taking a moment to take his shirt off before his attention is back at you. You’re spread out on his bed, hair splayed out underneath you and the look in your eyes almost makes him cry. It’s admiration, that he’s sure of, but there’s something else in your eyes too, maybe it’s lust, maybe it’s happiness, he doesn’t know, but he isn’t sure a woman has ever looked at him like that.

“God you’re beautiful, Javi.” You whisper as he leans back down to you.

The feeling of your cool hands on his hot skin electrifies him, and he can feel his hands working your tank top up to expose the skin of your tummy. You lift yourself up a little so he can take it all the way off before he continues the trail of his lips over your collarbone and down between the dip in your breasts. He’s gently moving the straps of your bra down and takes the opportunity to undo the clasp at the back when you arch up into him. It’s discarded to the floor without a second thought and then his mouth is on you again.

He uses the flat of his tongue to run hot stripes over your peaked nipple, whilst his fingers take the other peaked bud and starts rolling it between them. A whine drops from your lips, and you can feel him smiling into your skin and you arch up into him. He’s taking your nipple into his mouth, sucking and then using the tip of his tongue to run circle around it and all your head can think is how much you want his mouth doing just this further down your body.

“You tell me what you like, querida,” He mumbles into your skin, “Wanna make you feel good.”

“Your mouth,” You breathe out, head thrown back as he’s sucking your nipple into his mouth, “I need… fuck… I need it lower, Javi.”

He’s lifted his lips from your tits and you’re moving your head to meet his eyes and he genuinely looks hungry. Like a man starved, with a smirk splayed across his lips, “You want me to eat your pussy, hmm?”

He’s pushed himself back on his knees and for a split second before he’s pulling at your shorts to take them off, you can see he’s half-hard under his own denim. You’ve barely touched him, and this is how he is? It’s got pride swelling in your chest.

He makes quick work of your shorts, throwing them to the ground along with your underwear. He takes a second to look at you, spread out and bare for him, and he thinks that if he died right now, he would die a happy man having seen you like this. He takes his thumb and runs it gently along the seam of your pussy, watching as your eyes close and you let out a breath.

Javi stands briefly before he’s dropping to his knees on his floor. His hands are on either side of your hips, dragging you forward. He pulls you with such force that you bump your thigh into his face, but he’s not complaining. You expect him to tease you, but it turns out that he’s been waiting just as long as you have for this. He wastes no time in using the entire flat of his tongue to lick a hot, wet stripe from the bottom of your pussy to the top, which has an obscene moan dropping from your lips. He could listen to you make those noises for him all fucking day.

One of his hands moves from your hips, he uses it to spread your pussy before he makes the same motion with his tongue as before but focusing its entirety on your clit. You think you might see stars. Once he’d started, he doesn’t stop. Spurred on by the obscenity dropping from your lips like, fuckjavi that’s so fucking good, and please don’t stop, he’s eating your pussy like it’s his death row meal. He’s lapping at the slick that gathers at your entrance, he’s suckling on your clit, or flicking it with the tip of his tongue, but it’s when he pushes two of his thick fingers inside you that you’re truly coming undone.

You’re bucking your hips up into his mouth, grinding down on his fingers and then it’s all coming undone with that bright burst of pleasure you hadn’t felt in years. You can feel your pussy clenching around his fingers, and you can hear him suckling your clit through the aftershocks as your legs shake around his head. He slips his fingers out of you and finishes with one chaste kiss to your clit before he’s pulling at your arm to sit you up.

You’re jelly until he kisses you. You can taste yourself on his mouth, sweet and sour with the mix of his cigarettes and it’s intoxicating. You can feel his slick fingers on your thigh as he uses it as a crutch to push himself off the floor. When he stands, his groin is right in your eyeline and now he’s not half-hard. Fuck, he’s bulging. You watch as his hands undo his belt and tear it through the loops of his jeans before he’s unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans right in front of your face. He steps back a little to let the remainder of his clothes pool on the floor, but then he’s stepping out of them and back towards you and you can’t help but reach out and take his cock in your hand.

You look up at him, head thrown back with his eyes closed in pleasure. Your name drops from his lips as you continue working him with your hand, you’re just about to take him into your mouth when he speaks, “How do you want me?”

It’s a crime that he’s making you choose because fuck, you want him in every way. You want him to fold you in half and pound into you, you want him to take you from behind whilst he uses his fingers on your clit, you want him to wake you up in the morning with kisses to your neck whilst he buries himself inside you from the side.

“Can I ride you?” You ask quietly.

“Querida, there’s a gun downstairs,” He speaks, settling himself down on his bed on his back, before he’s guiding you to straddle his hips, “If I ever say no to that, I want you to use it on me, okay?”

You’re laughing, because it’s dramatic, but it cuts the tension with a knife. You’re both still laughing to each other when you’re shifting your hips and using your hand to line him up with your tight heat. He’s big, there’s no beating around the bush here, and as you sink down slowly onto him, his hands on your hips to guide you, you don’t think you’ve ever felt so full.

You’re throwing your head back and breathing out his name as he bottoms out, hearing a similar moan from him as you start grinding your hips. He’s using his hands on your hips to guide you and the friction inside of you in addictive. You think if you could spend the rest of your days like this then you would give up everything to do so.

“Fuck, hermosa, you look fucking incredible like this.” Javi purrs from underneath you, it makes your heart swell because no-one ever said things like this to you before.

You continue to grind against him until he’s holding your hips still and bringing his knees up, settling them against your backside. He lifts you up a little off his cock, with a strength you’d never witnessed before, and then he’s fucking up into you, cock punching as deep into you as you think you can take it, his balls slapping against your ass.

“Ohmygod, fuck Javi,” You’re squealing, putting your hands on top of his knees to keep you steady, “I think you’re… oh god… I think you’re gonna make me cum again.”

You look down and he’s looking up at you, grinning like a devil, because he’s got you so close to the edge, cock hitting a spot within you that feels like heaven and hell mixed into one, “Go on, querida, come for me.”

His husky voice is what does it. You’re clenching down on him as you call out his name. His hands on your hips keeping you upright as dark spots cloud your vision, “God, what I wouldn’t give to hear that every second of the day.” He groans as he flips you onto your back in one smooth move.

He’s still buried deep inside you, one hand brushing sweat-soaked hair from you face, the other gripping to your ass as he lifts your hips to meet him. He’s slowed but you can tell from the way his hips stutter into your own that he’s close.

“Where do you want me?” He whispers into your ear.

Everywhere, is what you want to say. Paint me, cover me, mark me as yours, is all you can think. What you say is, “Wherever you want.”

You think you see his mouth open to answer you, but it’s too late. He’s pulling out of you, fisting his cock two, three times, and then he’s painting your skin with his spend. Thick ropes of cum cover your tummy as he's growling into your ear, collapsing next to you when he’s given you everything he’s got.

When you lie there next to him, his cum drying on your abdomen, his mouth still kissing at the skin of your neck, you think you should feel guilty. Guilty that you broke your vows, guilty that you’ve let a man other than your husband touch you. Guilty that you did so without a second thought. Guilty that he didn't once cross your mind. There isn’t an ounce of guilt within you. You lean into his kisses and thank the Lord for bringing him back, for bringing him back to you, because you know this right here? This is happiness.

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dilemmaontwolegs · 10 months

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Hey love! I really enjoy your writing specially another lie it was so good and i really loved it and enjoyed the two endings but can you please give us maybe a drabble about what charles' reaction to the 'announcement' maybe from charles' pov? No pressure if you don't wanna do it and thank you for giving us such a great work!

A/N: not proof read and written on my phone. It’s my baby girls birthday this weekend so I’m mostly offline 💕

Another Lie (Blurb) ||CL16 {5.1}

F1 Masterlist || One || Two || Three || Four || Five (Max’s Ending) || {5.1} Blurb || Five (Charles’ Ending)

Charles had never accepted that you were no longer his. Not even marrying Max had stopped him from thinking that one day you would be back where he knew you belonged. He refused to acknowledge your surname even two years after it had changed to Verstappen.

But this announcement crumbled those dreams.

He should have paid more attention. He knew your body better than his own yet he had been blinded to the changes. He should have questioned why you backed away from him, why you gave up the fight he knew you were always up to having. It was narcissistic but those arguments were the only time any of your burning passion was spent on him, so he would take the acerbic lacerations from your tongue just to have you speak to him.

There would be no more arguments.

Charles couldn’t shake the image of you standing with his son, exactly as it should have been. But those were not your features on Jules face and it was all his fault.

You would never be the mother of his child. You were already a mother to Max’s.

Charles fist collided with the tv screen in front of him, the image of Max kissing you suddenly turning to jagged lines of purple hues as it broke. “Fuck!”

Knowing why you backed away from the fight only made him feel worse. Had you really thought he would hurt you? He flinched as he remembered how your hand had floated across your stomach when he released your wrist. He had hurt you in so many ways, but he would never do that.

If he wasn’t so caught up in the anger he held towards Sapphire he would have noticed how the material of your shirt hung differently, or how your breasts were larger than the last time he saw you. He missed the signs that were right in front of him.

“Charlie? Have you seen Jules?” Sapphire asked with that grating voice of nails on a chalkboard.

“Where the fuck have you been?” he growled as she stared at the broken tv screen and the blood running down his knuckles. “He was roaming the fucking paddock alone!”

He didn’t need an answer as she tossed her bleached blonde hair back ready to make an excuse. The evidence was clear. Purple marks littered her pale neck, marks he knew didn’t come from him.

“Fucking whore.”

“Get off your high horse, you’re no better than me,” she scoffed, pulling her hair back into place.

Charles open his mouth to give his scathing response but he had none. His cheating was the very reason he lost the greatest thing he ever had and now any hope of repairing what he broke was gone.

“Get your shit and go,” Charles said quietly as he turned back to the broken screen, flickers of your face fading in and out. This flashes were just enough to catch the glimpse of pure joy for moment before it was gone again. He looked at his fist and sighed in defeat. “My lawyer will be in touch with a settlement and custody agreement. You’ll be taken care of, just get the fuck out of my sight.”

“You can’t be serious. Is this because of her?” she asked as she pointed to the TV.

“I don’t love you, I never have. In fact, just the sight of you makes me sick and the only good thing to come from you is Jules.” He took a step closer with each brutal slap of honesty, but it was all for nought as she knew this already. “We’re done.”

“I’m glad,” she spat as she stood a little taller and looked down her nose at him. “She is never going to choose you. Who would? You’re never going to be world champion.”

“Take your shit and go, Sapphire,” Charles growled as he took a step forward, forcing her to take a step back to the doorway. “Don’t bother saying goodbye to Jules, he won’t even notice you’re gone.”

#charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc angst #charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc fanfic #f1 angst #f1 fic #f1 rpf #f1 fanfic #formula one imagine #formula one fanfiction

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angelltheninth · 1 year

Text

Arcane Men + Morning Wood

Pairing: Viktor, Jayce, Silco, Vander, Ekko, Marcus, Finn x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, morning wood, awkward boners, grinding, blowjob, naked cuddling, handjob, cold showers, teasing, coming in pants, dirty talk, praise, degradation

A/N: Don't you just hate it when this awkward problem happens and there's no one to help you? Well these men don't lmao.

Viktor grinds on you quite often so it's not surprising that he'd get a boner early in the morning. Normally it would be taken care of before you even woke up but well, even he can oversleep at times.

He thought he was having a really nice dream when he first opened his eyes and was met with the sight of your hand pumping his cock up and down. He treated it like he would any other wet dream too, until he realized that it was real and was then flustered but past the point of stopping because his cock was already painfully throbbing in your hand.

"Go faster darling, you know how I like it. I never tire of seeing my cock in your hand, feels so much better then my own, softer too. And this early in the morning as well, I'm a very lucky man. I've had this dream many times before now but this time it's... it's not a dream? Oh! I... I do have dreams like this yes, naturally but I never brought it up because... alright, alright, I get it, I'll shut up and enjoy the show."

Jayce likes to sleep with you on top of him so you can imagine the embarrassment when he wakes up with his hard cock poking at you and a stain already forming at the front.

He asks you to forget about it, he'll take care of it, you're gonna be late for work anyway, and there's no time for... and you're already taking his boxers of and licking his cock. His face has an expression of awe, all this time he thought he'd already seen the most beautiful sights in the world, now he has another one to add: looking down at you with your mouth full of his cock, the early morning ray's shining down on you like a halo. Breathtaking.

"Babe... I can explain... well actually I can't. Uhm, it just kinda happens sometimes you know. What am I saying of course you know! Fuck, look forget about it let's just go, we'll be late. You can make it quick? What do you mean by that? Right now? Of course I wanna! How-how quick can you make it?"

Silco usually wakes up early waits until it goes away, there's no reason to wake you up too just because he's a little excited. Very excited but still.

He wasn't gonna deny that he's horny when you did notice it, you already know the effect you have on him. When you offered a blowjob at first he was hesitant because he wanted to return the favor. The moment your lips touched the tip of his cock his arguments faded away, his hand on the back of your head to guide your pace. He was never good at denying you.

"I want to take care of you too darling. Surely you're not saying no to that now, you were screaming last night. You... ah... that is... a good argument. Slower, take it in deeper. Good work. This is why you're my partner. That talented mouth can make anyone do anything you want them too. Of course, you only do this for me, I'll repay you later just you wait."

Vander can hardly keep down his grunts and growls as he tosses the covers off and sees you practically choking on his cock first thing in the morning.

Don't get him wrong he's grateful for that you're taking care of him but he wasn't aware that he was going at you that roughly even in his sleep. He can go slower if you... oh you want it harder? Yeah? Well don't blame him for your sore throat then. He won't neglect you either, as soon as you're done with him he'll push you down on his cock and fuck you, even if he's half hard it doesn't take much for him to be fully erect when you're concirned.

"You should have said something darlin. I'm sorry I didn't notice, I was dreamin you see. It was a wonderful dream. Not as good as the real thing though. I'll always prefer the real thing. You will too? You dirty girl, of course you will. Harder? I can but are you sure? Alright, but you will be sore after. Small price to pay? I love when you get all slutty on me like this."

Ekko is a little bit embarrassed, your relationship still new after all and he doesn't want to give you the impression that sex is all he thinks about when he's with you.

Cuddles are some of his favorite things in the world, especially early in the morning and well, he likes to take all the clothes off for it too. He's hesitant due to him having a hard on, damn did he have nothing to worry about, you're fucking soaked just from the sight of him like that. His cock is hot and throbbing between your pussy lips as you grind against him, urging him to come.

"Not gonna lie to you Firefly, this is a little embarrassing for me. I can go take care of this real fast yeah? No? Heh, wanna give me a hand then? Or maybe more than your hand. Wait... really? Fuck, already so wet, I'm guessing you had some nice dreams too. Let me make them come true."

Marcus usually takes a long cold shower to take care of himself in the morning. He's very good at waking up before you so he can come back into bed and have a few more minutes with you.

He was really surprised when he came back to bed and you were already awake, not only that but also opening your legs for him to come closer. You're gonna have to make it fast, he's still a little cold but you'll warm him right up, his whole body, his heart as well as his cock.

"What are you doing up already sweetheart? Did I leave the door open when I took a shower? I'm sorry I didn't notice. Do you want to cuddle a little before I leave for- you're naked? I just took a shower so I might feel a little cold. You think you can help me warm up again?"

Finn likes to stay inside of you, your pussy keeping his cock warm all night, so you always know when he's got morning wood. His hands always grab hold of your ass and pushes you against him.

The best way for him to start his day is by pounding your cunt open while you milk his cock dry. He'll never get tired of fucking you awake. If that could be what he does all day he wouldn't mind. Sadly he can't so he'll enjoy you whenever he has the time. Or maybe sometimes when is isn't supposed to. But hey, who's gonna stop the two of you from keeping your hands from each other?

"Still sleepy kitten? I can wake you up, you just stay there, I'll take care of you. You take such good care of my cock, I don't want anyone to say I'm not fucking you right back. There's that pretty expression, even this early you look so well fucked. You're getting my cock so wet like a good cockslut."

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crazychaoticizzy · 7 months

Text

Good Grief Part I

Erwin Smith X Reader

Sometimes, the things that seem good for us cause us the most grief, and that is why we should always think through our choices.

WARNINGS: this chapter is mostly fluff however the series is angst, canonverse, suggestive, fade to black, underage drinking, insta love, the opposite of a slow burn we went fast, teenage pregnancy, angst at the end, I think that’s it but let me know if I missed anything!

Word Count: 15.6k (i'm so sorry because it’s no where near over)

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You couldn’t find it in yourself to cry.

Here you were, standing beside your sister at your husband’s funeral and you weren’t crying.

The promise you made to yourself must have applied when he was dead, as well. You truly had no more tears to shed for this man.

You hold a poker face during the service, and when you go up to collect the folded flag and bolo tie that belonged to him, you bow your head and quietly thank Hange, the new commander.

Even Hange can see that you could care less.

You almost worry about how showing no emotion could change your reputation, but as you hand your daughter the things you were given and begin to wheel her to the side of the stage, you decide you don’t care.

You look out at the soldiers Erwin led with a blank face, showing no sympathy for your dearly beloved.

You wonder where it was that everything went wrong—where your marriage to the famous Erwin Smith began going downhill.

There are multiple points in time it could have started, you suppose. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when it was, since looking back he truly hadn’t changed like you claimed he had in your last argument.

Perhaps everything was set in motion as early as the night you met him . . .

—

It was a dangerously hot day, the hottest of the summer.

It was busy at the bar, which made an excessive amount of work for both you and your sister that neither of you wanted to do.

You spent your shift pushing forward, constantly keeping the thought of moving out and finding a different job as soon as you could in the back of your mind.

Sure, there was a certain charm to the family owned bar, but it always got so tiring. Patrons were nice enough when sober, but as soon as they had one too many drinks the groping and ogling would begin. Whether it be to employees or other customers, a woman was always getting catcalled.

Your sister, however, didn’t seem to mind it. In fact, Marie always continued work with a soft smile on her face no matter what happened. There would always be talk about how she would be the next to run the bar, as there was no son to inherit it. It made sense, for even when Marie seemed stressed she was always found serving drinks and food.

Sometimes, you thought the bar was her happy place.

You were just beginning to open a keg when he walked in, tall and blond and oh, so handsome. Your heart practically skipped a beat, and you swore you fell in love.

However ridiculous you believed love at first sight to be, there was no denying the attraction you felt toward him since the moment you laid eyes on him.

“Y/n, are you alright?”

You hummed, abruptly peeling your gaze away from the blond and turning to Marie. “What? Oh, yes. I’m fine.”

Marie raised a perfect eyebrow. “Sure? Because you’re spilling beer all over your skirt.”

A soft look of confusion crossed your face, and you started to deny her before you looked down, noticing the new wet spot on the side of your dress.

“Oh!” You flipped the switch on the keg, stopping the flow of alcohol. “Right.” You nervously chuckled, setting the cup you were filling on the counter and grabbing a few napkins. You lifted your skirt and attempted to clean it off, but to no avail. The patch barely dried and you knew it would be weeks before both the smell and the stain would come out.

You sighed, dropping your skirt and tossing the used napkins in the trash. “I’ll have to go change,” you quietly complained to yourself, looking over your skirt again.

Marie hummed, but she was distracted. Her gaze had moved toward the direction you were looking in before she caught your attention. When she saw the two boys (both cadets, they had told her. They came to the bar quite often), she smiled.

“Oh, one of them,” she said. Her smile and tone were suggestive, and you looked up curiously from the lilt in her voice.

“What? Who is them?” Your gaze moved out to the bar, searching through the crowded room of patrons before you found him again. He sat with who you could only assume was his friend at a table facing you. You stared at him for a moment, before quickly averting your eyes and pretending to look around when he moved his attention from his friend to you.

Marie gasped knowingly, holding a hand to her mouth in mock surprise. “It is. Which one?”

Marie moved her head to better see them, trying to puzzle out which it could be before you softly grabbed her by the jaw and turned her to face you.

“Don’t make it obvious!” you whispered. You let go of her face. “Now, can I borrow a dress? Mine are all hanging out to dry.”

You rolled your eyes at your own laziness, wishing at that moment you had done your laundry at an earlier time.

Marie hummed in thought, wondering if she had any clean clothing as well. Her eyes lit up, and she looked at you as she began filling a tray with mugs of alcohol.

“Yes, I do. On my dresser is a new one I bought set out—it’s like a cream color?”

You softly sighed. “I don’t want to be the first one to wear your brand new dress.”

“Well lucky for you, I bought it as a gift for you anyway.” Marie smiled sweetly, lifting the tray before balancing it on one hand and patting your head with the other. “Now go change. You don’t want to smell like alcohol more than you already do.”

You rolled your eyes, fixing whatever she might have done to your hair as you turned and walked up the stairs leading to your family’s living area.

You had lived in this place all fifteen years you had lived and not a single thing had changed. The bar was still downstairs, the slightly singed floral wallpaper your grandmother had bought from a burned down church long ago was still peeling, and the same photos as always had hung up. It brought a sense of comfort knowing that it was unlikely anything would change, but at the same time you felt bored. You wanted some variety.

You opened the door to Marie’s room, easily one of the most organized in the house, and found the sage dress she had been talking about.

You quickly changed, discarding the faded brown dress you had been wearing before on the ground. You kept the white blouse on underneath, slipping the silky green dress over your body.

Marie had really bought this for you? It was so nice, made of quality material and by a good brand. You even tugged on a seam to test it, as most clothing nowadays was flimsy and came apart with the slightest movement, but it didn’t budge.

You smiled, moving the sleeves of your blouse down your shoulders before looking in the mirror Marie had in the corner of her room.

Your smile grew giddy at the sight of yourself, and for the first time you felt pretty. It was the first time you had seen yourself smile with teeth, and you gave yourself a happy twirl in the new dress.

You happily hummed before picking up your soiled dress and taking it back to your room, randomly tossing it somewhere before walking back downstairs.

You still held that giddy smile on your face, feeling like nothing could ruin your mood.

And then you saw Marie talking with the blond boy you had been staring at. You softly nodded to yourself after a moment, accepting the fact that whatever chance you thought you might have had with him was now spoiled.

Sometimes you wished Marie wasn’t as pretty as she was, wasn’t as kind and welcoming as she was, because then maybe you would actually have a chance.

Normally, seeing her talk to someone so obviously in love with her never bothered you, but for some reason seeing the hearts in this blond boy’s eyes (and his friend’s, though you weren’t paying attention to him) had that giddy expression on your face disappear.

You shook your head, continuing to fill mugs with beer and various alcohol and serving waiting patrons.

“Where are you taking me?” you heard someone ask.

“I’m about to change your life.” Marie.

You turned, three mugs filled to the brim in your hand when you nearly ran into him. You caught yourself before the drinks could spill, but you noticed that he held both hands on the cups, steadying them.

“Oh, thank you,” you said, smiling as he moved his hands. You watched as he unknowingly flexed them, making the blue veins more prominent and his fingers look long and elegant and—

Dear lord.

“My sister.” Marie came up beside you, setting the drinks in your hand on the table and linking her arm with yours.

He practically towered over you, shoulders broad with bulk under the clothing he wore. Your mind wandered and for a brief moment you imagined his skin to be tanned and smooth under his shirt before you caught yourself from drifting too far. He smiles, taking your hand and bowing to brush a soft kiss against your knuckles.

“Erwin Smith,” he said, meeting your eyes before standing straight again. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

You softly hummed, dumbly nodding as the already steaming temperature in the room rose.

You stared into his eyes for a moment—his gorgeous blue eyes the color of the endless sky. A soft glint enters them as he tilts his head, waiting for your response.

“Yes. Yes!” you said, as if realizing something as you removed your hand from his and unlinked your arm from Marie’s. “Likewise. Apologies, I’m . . . distracted.”

You watch as Marie slyly moves away, winking at you before taking the three drinks she placed on the table and continuing her work.

You made a mental note to have a small talk with her later.

“May I ask your name?”

You hummed, returning your gaze to his before fully processing his question. “Oh! Yes, sorry I should have led with that. Y/n L/n.”

You offered a shy smile, noticing an emblem on his jacket—two swords crossed in an X. You thought about what it might be for a second, and bowed. “And thank you for your service. I didn’t realize you were part of the training corps.”

Erwin softly chuckles as you straighten yourself out. “No, it’s alright. You are actually the first one to offer respect like that, Y/n.”

He said your name as if he was trying out the way it felt, softly smiling from the way it rolled off his tongue.

“Oh, well, I mean anyone in the military worked hard to get there, so . . .” You trailed off, thinking of what to say. “I suppose I personally believe they deserve the extra rations they get, so long as they aren’t lazy, you know?”

Erwin quirked a brow, giving you a curious look as if asking you to elaborate.

“I mean- I-I didn’t mean you, per say, but—” Your brain scrambled for words to say, hoping you hadn’t somehow offended him.

Erwin chuckles, cutting you off. “No, no, it’s alright. I know what you mean.”

You softly smile, and suddenly the room heated up just a little bit more. “So, can I offer you a drink? Whiskey, beer, ale, water . . .”

And oh, the charming smile he gives you—tilted more to one side than it is the other and showing off his perfect teeth. “Will you sit and share a glass of water with me if I say yes?”

You bite the inside of your cheek, slowly nodding before going off to pour two glasses of water. You turn around, finding that Erwin had found the most quiet corner of the bar to sit in. He was staring at you shamelessly, lips curving up when you made eye contact with him. It made butterflies fly around in your stomach, and you tried your best to bite back a smile as you made your way to him.

You placed the glasses down, sliding onto the bench beside him.

“So, Y/n.” His smile widens as he says your name again. Your lips try curving up again, but you try so hard to hide it so it doesn’t seem like you’re easy. “Tell me about yourself.”

You lean forward, resting your arms against the table and propping yourself on your hand. “Like what?”

“Your favorite color. Things you like doing. What you think about the guy you just met.” You chuckle, making a certain glint come into Erwin’s eyes. This close, you can see a ring of brown in his irises that surrounds his pupils.

“How’s your day?” you ask instead of answering any of his inquiries.

“Much better now that I’m talking to a pretty girl like you.” You bite your cheek and glance away as your heart skips a beat. “What about yours?”

“Well, I’m talking to this insanely attractive guy, so I’d say pretty good.” You turn your gaze back to him, smiling when he laughs.

“What branch are you planning to join?” you ask after a moment, trying to keep any sort of conversation going.

“The Survey Corps,” he replies. He nods his head to his dark-haired friend, who was talking with Marie. “Nile over there wants to join as well. We’re hoping we can change the program together and get one step closer to saving humanity.”

You hum. It’s silent for another moment before he talks again, and that sparks a conversation. You sit there for what seems like hours, exchanging flirty banter and soft smiles. You would have continued, had it not been for your mom getting onto you for not working.

Regretfully, you and Erwin stand. You stack the two empty glasses as Erwin glances outside.

“I have to go as well, actually,” he softly says. He looks back at you, following as you walk back to the bar and put the cups in the sink. “Can I come see you again?”

You lean forward against the counter, softly nodding. “Of course. Just don’t let my parents see that emblem.” You nod your head to the crossed swords embroidered on the left of his jacket. “They actually hate whatever government we have and the choices they make, including the military.”

Erwin nods, standing straight and tapping the tips of his fingers against the wooden counter. “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

He watched as you leaned forward, falling into a bow and clasping your hands in front of your chest. “Thank you, again, for all your service.”

“If it takes risking my life for us to meet, it will have been worth it.” Erwin gave you a charming smile as he took your hand, softly kissing it again. Your lips curved up, love-struck as you watched him turn and walk back to his friend.

“So,” Marie dragged the word out, coming up behind you and draping her arm around your shoulders to lean against you.

You don’t answer, noting that Erwin pauses at the door and turns back to scan the bar. His eyes meet yours and he waves before closing the door behind him.

That small bit of eye contact leaves you breathless, and you can’t help but feel a bit childish at how easily smitten you were.

“Marie, that boy is mine,” you say, turning to her. The grin on your face is bright, lighting up the whole room and spreading from ear to ear. You don’t mean for your statement to mean anything malicious, only to tell Marie your intentions with a few words.

Marie gasped, jumping beside you in excitement. “Really? Oh, you must have really liked him.”

You nodded, and the two of you softly giggled and swooned for a few moments before your father got onto you for not working.

You had a smile on your face the rest of the night—a genuine smile that didn’t falter once.

—

Two days later Marie had discreetly given you a letter, an unusual thing, seeing as the only person that regularly received mail was your father.

Even more unusual than that, though, was the fancy wax seal and red rose tied to the envelope with twine.

When Marie had given it to you, she gave the slightest nod toward your room, and the two of you stepped inside.

She handed you the letter as she closed the door, leaving it open just a crack. You took the envelope with curiosity, untying the twine and holding the rose by its stem as you sat on your bed. You twirled it between your fingers, admiring it for a moment gently placing it beside you.

You glanced over the envelope for a hint of who it was from, finding no useful information except your name and address. You turned it over, running your index finger over the wax seal before carefully peeling it open.

You pulled the piece of paper inside out as Marie sat next to you, pressing her body into your side so she could read the letter over your shoulder.

Y/n,

I’m not sure how your family feels about you receiving letters, but I can only hope they won’t find out about this if they don’t like the idea of it. I didn’t put a return address on the envelope in the event your parents found this first, but here it is: ***** ******.

I sincerely hope you’re willing to exchange letters. I’d like to stay in touch with you even if I’m not at the bar with you. One of these days, though, I’m hoping to sweep you off your feet enough that you’ll agree to have me—and then I can be with you all you want.

I truly want to get to know you. You have stars in your eyes and I want to know what makes them so prominent. I want to know your passions and dreams. I want to have endless conversations with you and fantasize a future together where I am yours and you are mine.

I apologize if this is too soon to say anything like that, but I simply want to make my intentions with you clear. I hope we can see each other again soon. And if not, I hope you will at least send a letter back.

Yours truly,Erwin Smith

“Oh, Y/n,” Marie said, pulling away slightly and putting a hand to her heart. “That was the most beautiful letter I’ve ever read.”

You were smiling, so brightly it practically lit up the room as you turned the paper over, starting to reread it.

“Do you think he means it?” you ask, slightly in disbelief that Erwin was choosing you. Being as handsome and charming as he was, surely he was able to pull any girl he wanted.

“How could he not? He seems so infatuated with you.” Marie’s eyes glanced over the letter again. “Just be careful, he seems like the kind of guy willing to sacrifice everything to get what he wants.”

You nod. “I know. But I don’t think—”

“I’m only telling you, Y/n. I just don’t want you to get hurt, so be cautious.” Marie rests her head on your shoulder as she reads over the first couple sentences of the letter again, hand softly grazing your shoulder.

“I will be. You know how I am, Marie.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Marie lifts her head, grabbing the rose and holding it in front of you. “You’re not one to fall so easily. Or so you claim, at least, but with the way you’re swooning over Erwin right now says something different.”

She laughs as you playfully hit her shoulder, halfheartedly pushing you away to avoid any further hits.

“I’m joking! But I do want you to be careful. I don’t think you’ve ever been so . . . emotional over someone.”

You hummed, turning the thought over in your mind and wondering if this whole thing really was ridiculous. You always knew love at first sight could only end badly, but if that’s the case then why did you feel so light? So dizzying and happy and sunny . . .

Surely it couldn’t be all that bad, right?

“It’s alright, though,” Marie started, making you turn your gaze toward her, “because now we know he thinks the stars are in your eyes. And judging by his words he most definitely wants to-”

“Marie!”

You go to playfully hit her shoulder again, cutting off whatever suggestive thing she might have said, but she had already stood up and stepped away by the time you turned.

You chased her around your room, your dresses ruffling as laughter filled the air.

“Girls!” You had both collapsed on your bed, the letter hidden beneath it, when your mother opened the door and stood in the doorway. “Bar opens in five. Get ready.”

You nodded as Marie said, “Yes, ma’am.” When your mother left the two of you shared a glance, bursting into laughter before standing and making yourselves presentable.

You didn’t see Erwin that night, making you wonder if he truly wanted to sweep you off your feet and take you to a world you’ve never known before.

—

One week after that you and Erwin began exchanging letters as quickly as the postal service would allow. He came to the bar as often as he could to see you, but when he couldn’t he would send a beautifully written letter, promising paradise and a better life.

You swooned every time, rereading until you could recite every single word from memory. Erwin might as well have been building palaces and cathedrals with the way he wrote to you, so obviously enamored with everything about you.

Your mother and father, of course, would never approve. They didn’t want their daughters marrying a militiaman. And since Marie had been rather adamant and obvious about her interest in Nile, whatever slim chance you might have had with Erwin was gone.

But that didn’t stop the two of you from sneaking around whenever you could. Every chance Erwin got, he would come find you, whisking you away to a late night picnic in an overgrown garden or to stargaze just beyond the border of your town.

No matter how many times you went on the exact same date, too scared to do anything else in the daylight, you always treasured it.

“Y/n?”

You hummed in response, turning your head to face him. It was one of the nights you went stargazing, laying together in the soft meadow grass as you talked.

“I have to tell you something.”

You smiled, turning on your side and laying your head on your arm. “Okay, what is it?”

“I am in love with you.” Erwin softly grabbed your hand as your eyes widened in shock. He lifted your hand to his lips, pressing soft kisses to your fingertips. “So inexplicably in love with you that you are all I think about day and night. You have me smitten, Y/n, so much so that I’m willing to do anything to make you mine.”

He pressed your palm to his lips, closing his eyes as he left a lingering kiss.

“I don’t have much, if anything at all. I’m living on government funds and the only dollop of fame I’ll ever have is when I die, but I’m hoping that if you feel the same way those things won’t deter you.”

The both of you sit up, Erwin coming closer so he can softly cup your jaw. Your noses brush against each other, breaths mingling together from the closeness.

“I love you, Y/n.”

He presses his lips to yours, so lightly and brief you aren’t even sure if it counts as a kiss. He pulls away quickly, staring into your eyes for a moment before kissing you again—firmer and more self-assured this time.

You can tell it’s his first kiss because he doesn’t know how to do it, but you don’t put that against him because you don’t know how to kiss someone either. It wasn’t at all like the novels you sometimes read, the ones where first kisses were magical and perfect and almost always led to something more.

No, this kiss was not magical, or perfect, or even half decent. It was messy, full of awkward breaths and obvious inexperience. But this was your moment, and you wouldn’t dare change a single thing about it.

When you pull away you tell him that night that you love him, but you remind him again of your family’s distaste for military men. That gave him pause, but after a few moments he smiled.

“I’ll just tell them I’m a mercenary.”

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, laughing. “A mercenary? How is that any better than a soldier? They’ll think you’re only using me for money.”

Erwin hums, softly tracing the line of your jaw and gazing into your eyes. “It’s not, but I’ll figure it out.”

You softly smile, leaning forward slightly. “We will figure it out.”

Erwin nods. “We will. And one day, we will have everything you could possibly wish for. I promise.”

He presses his lips against yours again, and you don’t think you’ve ever felt so happy or complete.

—

Work has always been so tiring—especially on nights like this when it was someone’s birthday and everyone flocked to the bar. You weren’t even entirely sure whose birthday it was, but they must have been popular for the bar to be this full.

You tirelessly went from table to table, refilling drinks and serving platters of whatever spare food you could scrape up. Glasses were shattered and you charged more to tabs in hopes of buying new ones. The amount of drunk older men that had suggestively grabbed your waist to slip behind you was worse tonight than it was most, and you had to remind them that you were fifteen more than you wanted.

You were exhausted. It was almost midnight on a Tuesday and there were still more patrons than you could keep track of. You kept messing up orders, and any other day you would have beaten yourself up about it, but you made an exception for yourself.

A hand ghosts across your arm, and you nearly jump and smack whoever had touched you before realizing it was Marie. She gives an innocent smile, holding her hands out to take the tray you hold in your hands.

“I got that,” she says. Instead of waiting for you to hand the tray over, she grabs it herself and nudges you with her shoulder. “Now go. Your lover is somewhere over there.”

She nods her head to the right and you turn, noticing that Erwin was sitting at a table with Nile and another girl. Nile and Erwin weren’t dressed in training attire, trying to blend in more. When Erwin glanced up and noticed you he smiled, standing up and meeting you halfway to the table.

He takes your hand, lifting it to his lips to leave a kiss on your knuckles. “Good evening, my love.”

You smile, readjusting your hands so your fingers are intertwined. “Morning, technically,” you say.

“Barely.” He softly laughs, leaning down to chastely kiss your lips. “It doesn’t matter. It’s still good because I get to see you.”

You smile, looking around to make sure no one is watching after he kisses you a second time. “Have you been waiting this entire time for me?”

Erwin shrugs, leading you back to the table Nile and the other girl sat at. “We only came about an hour ago. I didn’t want to bother you while you were working.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were here, but if I did I would have slipped away.”

Erwin shakes his head. “It’s alright. Besides, you’re very cute when you’re working.”

Your eyes widen, the room suddenly hot. He chuckles at your flustered expression, allowing you to slide onto the bench before him.

You end up across the girl. Her hair is dark and pulled back into a tight ponytail, and she wore a faded brown blouse and slacks. She wasn’t looking your way when you sat down, looking down at whatever she was writing, but then Erwin said her name and she glanced up, first at them then you. She smiled, straightening herself and adjusting the way she sat.

“Hi! Are you Y/n or Marie?” She seemed excitable, putting down her pencil and crossing her arms in front of her.

“Y/n. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” You held out your hand for her to shake.

“Anastasia Brownfield.” She took hold of your hand, her fingers rough and calloused against your own. She gave a firm shake before withdrawing. “I’m part of the training corps with Erwin and Nile.”

So that’s how she knew them. You should have been jealous—you probably would have been if Erwin wasn’t looking at you the entire time Anastasia spoke. But the way she carried herself struck you as odd. She leaned against the table in a way that suggested her legs weren’t pressed together or crossed, and when a pretty girl passed by her gaze followed her and a small smile came to her face.

“She’s pretty,” she quietly mumbled, lifting her glass to her lips before looking back at you.

Anastasia continued the conversation like the two of you were old friends catching up. She was animated, moving her hands along to match with nearly everything she said, and got distracted easily. She could have been in the middle of telling a story before something she said reminded her of something else, the original tale forgotten about.

As she continued talking Erwin and Nile would cut in occasionally, and it felt like the four of you had known each other forever with the way you casually laughed and joked around.

Eventually, the bar started emptying out. You weren’t sure how much time had passed, but you figured it would be smart for the three of them to leave before your parents found you slacking off.

Before he left, Erwin wrapped a hand around your waist and pulled you flush against him. He left a lingering kiss against your temple, quietly whispering, “I’ll see you later.”

He kissed your temple again before pulling away, winking as he followed Nile and Anastasia out. It left butterflies flapping in your stomach, their wings flapping and making you feel all giddy inside.

When you finally gather yourself you continue what you had originally been doing, refilling glasses and washing empty ones.

Over and over again you did that. And you would continue to do that over and over again until the day came where you would be with Erwin, and maybe you would be washing the dishes together in your own house.

—

When Erwin told you that he would see you later, you did not expect to find him throwing small pebbles from the streets at your window to get your attention two hours later.

You had been blowing out the candles lighting your room when you heard the first plink! You paused, looking around before shrugging it off and continuing getting ready for bed.

Plink!

You looked around again, glancing out your window and waiting for the sound again.

Plink!

Your brows furrowed in confusion. You took a match from its box, striking it to relight a candle and cautiously walking toward the window.

You look out, unable to see anything through the reflection of the light. You rest the candle on the windowsill, unlatching the lock and opening the window to look around.

You see him standing across the street. It’s too dark to see his expression, but you imagine he’s smiling.

Erwin crosses the street, face being lit by whatever dim light was still on in the spot below yours.

“What are you doing?” you ask quietly, a chuckle in your voice. “Erwin, do you know how late it is?”

“I said I would see you later.”

You can hear the smile in his voice, and your lips curve up. “I wasn’t expecting you to throw rocks at my window. What if it wasn’t the right one?”

“I would have ran if someone caught me.” You softly chuckle, leaning against the windowsill. “Sprinted away and returned tomorrow.”

“Erwin, do you know what this could do?”

“Nile and Anastasia have me covered. And even if I get caught, I don’t mind being punished by the higher ups. As long as I get to be with you, my love.”

That made you smile, because you knew how important it was to him that he get perfect scores on nearly everything, including his discipline record. “I just don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Well the chances of getting caught are increasingly higher if I stay out here.”

You can barely see a mischievous smile on his face. You playfully roll your eyes, pulling away from the window. “Give me a moment. Wait at the door.”

You don’t see his reaction because you close the window, latching it closed before grabbing a robe from your desk chair. You shrug it on, tying the belt around your waist as you walk across your room to the door. You slowly open it, looking out to make sure no one was awake before quietly stepping into the hallway.

You walked cautiously, testing the floor to make sure it didn’t creak before continue with every step. You made sure to skip the third stair from the top of the staircase, because that step always created a deafeningly loud screech and alerted everyone that someone was leaving or entering the living room.

You finally allow yourself to breaths when you step off the final stair. No one will be able to hear you, so you’re less paranoid and take less careful steps.

You place the candle on the table closest to the door, looking back to make sure no one was awake and following you before beginning to unlock the door and opening it, slowly to make sure its hinges don’t squeak.

You watch Erwin push himself away from the wall, standing straight to face you. The both of you exchange a smile, and you open the door wider so he can step inside the bar.

You close the door and turn back to him, watching in awe for a moment as he looks around at the silence of the bar.

You step toward him, softly brushing your hands together to get his attention. He looks down, smiling.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi yourself.” You’re not sure what it is, but something about the dreamlike candlelight makes you lean forward to kiss him, standing on tiptoes to reach his lips. You leave a chaste peck on his lips, pulling away with a small smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me you meant tonight?” you ask, taking his hand and leading him to the stairs. “I would have prepared better.”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

You smile, motioning for him to pause just before the door leading upstairs. You opened it, looking around to make sure everyone was still in their rooms before beckoning Erwin in. You held a finger to your mouth as the two of you tiptoed to your room.

You quietly close the door behind you, listening for a moment before you turn toward Erwin and take a couple steps toward him.

“So,” you drag the word out, folding your hands behind your back as you step closer to him. “Is there a reason you came by so late?”

You softly laugh, looking up at him and his blue eyes and his sharp cheekbones.

“I just wanted to spend time with you, my love.” Erwin smiles, making butterflies fly around in your stomach. You try to hide your gleeful smile, but end up failing.

“That’s what our dates are for.”

“No, I mean, just us. Away from watching eyes. Just me and you, Y/n. I don’t want to have to worry about sneaking around on the streets tonight.”

You softly hum, hands gently entwining with his as you gaze into his eyes, so bright and clear like a cloudless sky.

“That sounds nice.”

Erwin’s lips slightly curve up, one hand entwined with yours as the other slowly grazes along your arm and shoulder. His fingertips softly caress your jawline, slightly tilting your head up.

“I got you something.”

Your eyes slightly widen in surprise, more focused on the touch of his hands than his words. “Really?”

He nods, removing his hand from your face and reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a small, black box, slipping it into your hands.

“It’s not much, but I thought you’d like it.”

You tear your eyes away from his, glancing down at the small box in your hands. It’s made of wood, sanded to perfection and smooth beneath your fingers.

“What is it?” you softly ask, looking up at him as you open the box. He doesn’t respond, only smiling as you return your gaze to the opened box and let out a soft gasp. “Erwin? Is this . . .”

You trail off, looking up at him again and watching as he slowly bows down on one knee in front of you.

“It is. Y/n, you truly are the love of my life. You make me want to do anything I can to make you happy and satisfied. I want us to build a future we can love together, but I can only hope you share these dreams with me. So, will you marry me?”

“Yes,” you breathed. You nodded, hiding your giddy smile behind your hand as Erwin stood back up. He gently took the box out of your hand, slipping the ring inside onto your finger before tucking the box back into his pocket.

It was a simple band made from iron, the unrefined surface polished and cleaned. It was a cheap ring, something anyone could buy with spare pocket change if they so wanted, but it was yours. Erwin had picked it out just for you, and while it wasn’t anything special, you wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

You look back up at his eyes, wrapping your arms around him. “Thank you, my love. It’s beautiful, and I can’t wait to be married to you.”

He smiles, sliding his hands under your robe and around your waist to pull you closer. “I’ll get you a better ring when I have the money. A proper engagement ring like you deserve.”

You hum, foreheads pressing against each other and noses brushing together. “You don’t have to. What you’ve given me is already more than I want.”

His lips barely grazed yours, almost as if he was asking permission to kiss you. “I want to give you everything. Everything you’ve ever wanted will be yours, darling. I promise you that.”

“What about a kiss?” You pull away slightly to look up at him through your lashes, blinking innocently. “Please?”

Erwin lets out a breathy chuckle, pulling you back against him. “How could I say no?”

His lips press against yours, more practiced than the first time but still unsure. You hum into the kiss, gliding the tips of your fingers over the back of his neck until you can thread them through his hair.

He pulls you as close as he possibly can, your bodies flush against each other as you share the passionate kiss. He unties the belt around your waist, sliding the robe off your shoulders slow enough that you can protest whenever you want.

You don’t. You let the robe fall on the ground, hands sliding down his chest.

You softly gasp as his hands move down, ghosting over the curve of your hips before he tentatively lifts you up.

The kiss breaks, and you look at him curiously as he steps closer to your bed.

“Erwin?” you quietly ask as he places you down on the edge of the bed.

“We won’t do anything unless you want to,” he whispers. He leans forward, touching his forehead to yours. “I just want to be with you.”

You softly nod, wrapping your arms around him as you kiss again. You gently lay on your back, breathing heavily as Erwin crawls on top of you.

He kisses you again, once very quickly on the lips before he begins trailing kisses down your jaw. “Do you want to?”

“We have to be quiet,” you say, letting out a soft breath.

“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you wanted to do this.”

You pause for a moment, hesitating before you nod.

“Are you sure?”

You nod again, more sure of yourself before you rethink and shake your head. “Not yet.”

Erwin smiles against your neck, leaving one last lingering kiss before he pulls away. “Okay.” He lays down beside you, eyes following the outline of your silhouette as he pushes a strand of hair away from your face.

Your face paints itself into a smile, and you turn on your side so you can face him better. You take hold of his hand, gently rubbing circles across his knuckles with your thumb.

Erwin lifts your hand to his lips, kissing your fingers. “I love you.”

You softly hum, scooting closer to him and wrapping your arm around him. “I love you, too.”

He lets go of your hand, wrapping both arms around your figure and pulling you closer to him.

“I have to leave soon,” he says, which is the most tragic part about this entire thing. The time you spend together is fleeting, and you feel as if the two of you spend more time watching the clock than enjoying each other.

“I know,” you say quietly, trailing off slightly. “I don't want you to.”

Erwin nods, planting a kiss to the top of your head. “I know you don’t, but I have to, my darling. I swear that one day you’ll have me all to yourself.”

You softly sigh, closing your eyes. “When will that be?”

“Now that you’re my fiancée, hopefully soon.” Erwin takes a deep breath, relishing in the smell of your hair. “Your parents would never approve of this. I’d like to win their favor first.”

“I wish they didn’t hate the military so much. Then we could be more public about this.”

“One day soon, Y/n. If there is one promise I swear to fulfill, it is that.” Erwin presses his lips against the top of your head again, holding them there.

“Stay,” you whisper. “Please. Just for a bit longer.”

He hums into your hair. “A couple more minutes.”

You nod, hugging him tighter and pulling him closer.

The two of you chastely lay together in silence, the soft sound of Erwin’s heartbeat being the only thing you hear. He plays with the ends of your hair, face pressed into your locks as you begin subconsciously counting how many times his heart beats until you forget what number you were on and have to restart.

Erwin doesn’t leave while you’re awake. He stays beside you, holding you against his body and basking in your presence the same way you bask in his.

You fall asleep in his arms, unsure of how long he was with you or if he even stayed.

—

You awoke the next morning to the sound of your door slamming shut.

You immediately sat up, looking around for a moment while you gathered yourself and fully woke up. Erwin was gone, your bedsheets were rumpled and your breath was stale. You yawned, and almost laid back down before you heard glass shatter.

“Get out of my house, you goddamn military mutt!”

Fuck.

You jumped out of bed, legs getting caught in the blankets, and stumbled across the room. You untangled your legs as you moved, reaching to open your bedroom door.

“Dad? What-”

“You want to tell me why he was in your room this morning?”

You paused, frozen in the doorway to your bedroom as you processed his words. Your eyes darted around the living room, finding Erwin standing against the wall. His hair was a mess, blond strands falling onto his forehead.

Your eyes widen, and you immediately try to calm whatever anger your father was feeling. “Dad, it’s not what you-”

“Bullshit!” You flinched back, the resounding sound of your father’s voice bouncing off the walls. “He was in your room this morning so obviously you’re sneaking around like a whore!”

“I-I’m not! We didn’t even do anything. Please, I-”

He slapped you then, a loud, striking sound that seemed to echo in the room.

Time seemed to freeze with you. You heard ringing, turning your head to face your father. Except when you turned back, your mother held a firm grip on his arm and pushed him away from you. She said something you didn’t hear, the words muffled and muddled together, before she turned to Erwin.

“Out,” she said, pointing to the door. Erwin moved without a word or complaint, glancing back at you once before he closed the door to the bar behind him.

Your mother took a deep breath, sniffing. She blew out an exasperated breath and turned toward you.

She looks just like Marie. The same brown hair and eyes and faint splay of freckles across her cheeks. You could see the dark circles under her eyes, even in the dim light of the early morning.

She stared at you in silence, arms crossed and eyes pensive. She looked at the ground after a moment, softly shaking her head.

When she looked back up at you her warm eyes were colder than ice.

“How could you?” Her voice was unwavering and assertive, making you feel small and unimportant. You would have crawled back to your room if she wasn’t staring you down. You hear your father breath out and notice him stepping into another room to collect himself.

Your mother sighed again, walking to the couch and sitting on the edge. She ran both hands through her hair and leaned back. “You let him into your room. You let that government pawn into your room to do God knows what to you.”

“That’s not-”

“Your father and I raised you better. We have been lenient in letting you and Marie hang around them, but now you go and spread your legs for someone that’ll tire of you as soon as he gets promoted.”

“Mom, no, we didn’t-”

“He doesn’t love you-”

“He does!” You’re surprised at yourself for a moment, standing in stunned silence for only a second before continuing. “He loves me, Mom. And I love him. And-And we’re going to get married.”

She stared at you, not allowing any hint of what she was thinking or feeling to show on her face. She eventually closes her eyes and breathes out through her nose, rubbing her forehead. “You’ve hardly known him a month-”

“You and dad got married after one week of knowing each other.”

“It was different then, Y/n,” she snaps, harshly glaring at you. “Everything was different when your father and I got married.”

“You only got married because you were gonna have Marie,” you mutter. You had meant for it to be a thought, even a whisper quiet enough you could barely hear it. But it slipped out louder than you intended, making your mother snap her mouth shut. You’re left staring at each other, almost to see who backs down first.

“Mom, please just give him a chance. I promise he’s not what you think,” you say.

“We gave him a chance and look what happened!” Your mother threw her arm out, motioning to your room and the general situation. “He’s a teenage boy, Y/n. He’s too young to know what he wants to commit to. You know better than to give yourself to the first boy that gives you attention-”

“It’s not just attention! I’m not mistaking attention for love. He wants me and he wants me to be happy and he wants to build a life together.”

Your father comes back out then. He takes slow steps to the couch, sitting down with your mother.

It’s completely silent as he does. You find yourself wondering where Marie is while your parents wordlessly communicate. You stare at a spot on the wall opposite from you until your dad sighs, and you turn your gaze to him.

“Y/n, we just want what’s best for you. We were young once, too and we regret some of the choices we made.” He clasps his hands together, leaning forward against his knees. “We don’t want you making a life changing mistake like this. You’ll find someone better suited to be a husband in the future. A military man can’t give you what you want.”

“I don’t want another man. I want Erwin. He’s everything I want, dad.”

Your father sighs, running a hand through his graying hair. It’s obvious he’s conflicted. He wants you to do whatever makes you happy, but he knows big decisions like this have consequences.

“You don’t have to give us your blessing,” you softly say. “We can get married on our own and get out of your hair. You won’t have to see us again.”

“Y/n, we never said we wanted you to leave. We just want you to think this through.”

You’re silent, feeling like a scolded child because you have thought it through. This is what you want to be happy.

You wait until your parents tell you to go before walking to your room. You close the door behind you, sliding down against it until you sit on the floor with your legs pulled against your chest.

You stare off into space, your mind noisy with all the thoughts running through it. You aren’t even sure what half of them are, but you’re positive of one thing.

You want to marry Erwin Smith, and you will do whatever you can to make that dream your reality.

—

Over the course of the next month, you work tirelessly; doing anything for tips and helping out wherever you go to the market during the day for extra cash.

Both Erwin and Nile had been banned from the bar. At first you didn’t take it seriously, but any thoughts you had of sneaking either of them in were quickly dismissed when your father shot at them with his musket, just barely missing their heads.

You’re not sure if it was just a scare tactic your father had used to force you to think over your decision. But needless to say, you had learned a more discreet way to communicate so you didn’t get caught. You found out that Anastasia came through quite often to visit her family. Neither of your parents knew she was in the military, so she was the messenger between you and Erwin.

The two of you would meet in the market as often as you could. She would give you the letters he had written and she would deliver yours to him. It wasn’t the best method, but it was the best you could do.

You hid every single letter you received, storing them in an old tin box that used to house cookies. The box was hidden under your bed, concealed by your blanket the majority of the time. Any time you felt lonely you would bring it out, looking through each letter and being reminded of what you’re working towards.

You hadn’t told Erwin about the choice you made, because if you did he would tell you he wasn’t worth it and convince you to stay with your family. And it would have worked because God he could convince you of just about anything.

You had begun devising a plan. Since Erwin had chosen to join the Scout regiment while the two of you were apart, the letters became less frequent and more like an unexpected gift each time you received one. You had started planning what days he would have off, which days he would be able to travel to you and sweep you off your feet.

You decided November fourth, because that was the start of a mandatory military break given due to Erwin’s commander sustaining a severe injury outside the walls.

Over the course of the next two months you save money, picking up whatever odd jobs you could and selling what you wouldn’t need in the near future. You stored your savings in a can that used to be filled with rationed corn, hiding it in plain sight.

Early on November third, you packed a bag and spent most the day writing letters to your parents and Marie. You asked in the letter if Marie would be your maid of honor if she could find time off, and hid everything behind your open bedroom door during the day.

The work day dragged on, and you found yourself asking for the time every couple seconds to see if it had moved any faster. The minutes seemed like hours, and you swear the hours took longer to pass. Every time you looked out the window the sun still shone bright, as if it was mocking you from the sky.

Even when the moon came out you still had to wait.

You might as well have waited a lifetime, because as soon as the bar closed you feigned exhaustion and retreated to your room to make sure you had everything ready to leave. You reread the letters before sealing them in their envelopes and waited even longer.

It was nearly dawn when the house finally quieted down and you could sneak out. You were honestly exhausted, and could barely keep your eyes open, but now was your only chance. If you didn’t leave now, you wouldn’t be able to when everyone wakes up.

You tiptoed out of your room, leaving the first letter to your parents on the kitchen counter. Then you moved to Marie’s room, where you heard quiet whispering from inside.

You paused to listen for a moment, hearing the cadence of Nile's voice but not recognizing anything they said.

You slid the letter to Marie under her door before rushing out of the house and bar forever.

You didn’t look back. Not once did you even think about it.

You found yourself waiting in the market, placing your suitcase down and patiently sitting on it as you waited.

The sun had risen and four merchants had opened up shop by the time you saw Erwin, handsome as ever and looking around eagerly, hopefully searching for you. Someone followed him, and you recognized her dark hair.

Anastasia looked around as well, smiling and pointing to you when she spotted you. She said something to Erwin, making him turn his head in the direction she’d pointed in.

You stood, running up to Erwin when a look of recognition crossed his face. He moved faster, scooping you up and spinning you around when you got close enough.

You were elated, heart beating quickly from being held so close. You could feel his warmth despite the layers of clothing he wore. You squeezed him tighter, taking in his smell, his presence, his arms around you, his body.

“You bulked up a bit,” you said, face pressed against his shoulder.

“Survey Corps,” he simply said. He pressed his lips against the side of your head. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I love it. I love you.”

You felt him smile against your hair, and it was just another moment where it was just the two of you in the universe before you heard someone clear their throat.

“People are watching, guys,” Anastasia said. “Wasn’t the whole point of this for people not to know?”

Erwin carefully placed you back on the ground, hand on your waist to keep you close. “Yeah, you’re right.” He let out a heavy breath, looking down at you. “Your parents are really okay with this?”

You nodded. “They gave us their blessing.” And you felt so bad for lying. But this is what you wanted. You wanted Erwin and nothing else.

Erwin nods again, clearly slightly nervous about the whole situation. “Anastasia, you said you knew somewhere we could stay for a bit?”

Anastasia gave a thumbs up, and it was then that you noticed she carried your suitcase in one hand. “Yup. My uncle’s house is only a couple blocks down from here. He has a spare room the two of you can stay in until you leave.”

“And he can officiate marriages, right?” you asked, holding your hand out in an offer to take back your bag.

Anastasia nodded as she handed your suitcase to you. “Yes. It’s a cheap piece of paper, but yes, he can legalize marriages.”

She had told you all about that. She’d mentioned that her uncle wanted to discreetly marry same sex couples without judgment, so he bought an officiant license to do just that. She had said it multiple times, actually. Sometimes twice every time you asked, but you just had to make sure one more time.

“Alright, lovebirds, let’s go.” Anastasia nodded to the right, readjusting the hat on her head before she began walking.

You and Erwin followed behind her, silently talking amongst yourselves.

At least, you would have been doing that. But something in the air had changed around you and you didn’t talk. There was a kind of weight, seemingly holding you back from speaking a word to each other as you followed Anastasia.

The house she led you to was cramped. It was a small living space made for two people at most, not the five that would be staying.

Anastasia walked up a flight of stairs, telling you and Erwin to stay downstairs until she comes back. You notice for the first time as she motions to chairs that she’s missing both her left ring and pinky fingers.

She walks up the stairs, leaving you and Erwin awkwardly standing there.

You turned to Erwin when his knuckles brushed against yours and he linked your pinkies. He wordlessly led you to one of the couches, sitting down with you. You smiled at him, the two of you doing nothing but stare at each other for a moment.

“Hi,” he said. He smiled, big and wide and showing off his perfect teeth.

“Hi yourself.” You felt butterflies staring at him again, especially being this close. It was the closest you had dared be in broad daylight, and something about not having to hide from the light made your stomach flip.

“How’s it been with your parents?”

“Good,” you said. “The bar’s doing good.”

You didn't elaborate, leaving the two of you in a moment of silence.

“How is it with the Scouts? Are you enjoying it?”

Erwin nodded, leaning back against the couch, crossing his legs at the ankles and resting his arm against the back behind you. “Yeah, it’s fine. Nile and I were supposed to join together, but he, uh,” Erwin paused, thinking about his next words. “He ended up joining the Military Police.”

“Why?” You turned slightly, moving to see him better.

You saw him bite the inside of his cheek in thought. He clicked his tongue. “Marie. He . . . He wants to protect her.”

You hum, slowly nodding. “So he wants to go to the innermost wall where it’s safest.”

“Yeah.” Erwin blew out a breath, moving his hand to softly grab yours. “But it’s going well. Anastasia and I were assigned to the same captain, so we’ll be working together more.”

“Have you gone out yet?”

He shakes his head. “Not far. We went out once and attracted Titans so we had to turn back. We lost a couple people.”

It’s silent for a moment. Erwin runs his thumb across your hand, turning the cheap iron ring around your finger.

“I’m glad you made it back.”

He hums, and the silence returns. It borders the line of being uncomfortable and acceptable, and you can’t quite tell which it’ll fall into.

It seems like an eternity until you hear voices. Anastasia and a man that must have been her uncle come bounding down the stairs.

“Okay, guys. This is my Uncle Henry. He’s the one officiating your marriage.” Anastasia motions to the man beside her, and he smiles and bows his head.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you two. I assume you’re wanting to spend some time alone beforehand, correct?” He pauses for a moment, waiting for one of you to nod before continuing. “Well, we have your room ready. It’s pretty cramped, but hopefully you don’t mind.”

Henry smiles, and you graciously thank him before he leads you to said room. He was right—it’s very cramped. There’s hardly room to walk around the bed, but you and Erwin manage.

Henry leaves you to your own devices, closing the door behind him.

Something about not having to sneak Erwin into the room made it feel different. It wasn’t stolen kisses and whispered words anymore—this time people knew he was with you. Alone. Unaccompanied and unsupervised.

You didn’t know what to do with yourself.

You both awkwardly stood in the doorway after Henry left. You held your suitcase close to your body, arms glued to your sides in an attempt to make yourself as small as possible as you took in the room.

The bed is pressed against the wall, a window with streaming rays sitting to its left. The walls are cream, evidence of a child drawing on the wall beneath the window.

Your fingers lightly tapped against the handle of your bag. You looked down, glancing at Erwin through your peripheral.

The silence was unbearable, so thick you could cut it with a knife, but you didn’t know what to say.

You lifted your head and watched as Erwin strolled further into the room, placing his suitcase down on the side of the bed closest to the window. He takes off his coat, undoing the cufflinks holding the fabric around his wrists together.

“At least we’re finally alone together. Now we can be as loud as we’d like.” Erwin smirks as your eyes widen and he pushes his sleeves up his forearms. He stepped back in front of you, brushing your hands together so he could take your suitcase.

“Let me take that,” he whispers. When you let go of your luggage’s weight, he leans forward, softly pressing his lips to yours.

“I missed you,” you say against his lips.

Erwin hums, breaking the kiss for just a moment to put your bag on the ground before he kisses you again. He lifts you up as you wrap your arms around him. You softly gasp, holding onto him tighter.

“Is this okay?” he mumbles as he walks over to the bed. He gently sits you down, kneeling and pressing his forehead against yours. “Please tell me if you want this.”

You think for a second, thinking back to weeks ago when he initially asked you that and you said no. You don’t feel the same as you did then. You don’t feel as if you were just supposed to say yes out of obligation. Now you want to say yes.

You nod.

“Are you sure?” Erwin’s breath is heavy, his lips ghosting over your own.

“I’m sure.”

His eyes scan your expression for a moment. When he sees that you are beyond a doubt positive of your decision, he kisses you again.

You hum and softly thread your fingers through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp as he pulls away and begins trailing kisses along your jaw.

“You’re beautiful.” He left a lingering kiss beneath your ear as his hands slowly traveled along your body, his fingers tracing your waist.

You smile, eyes closed as Erwin slowly undoes the laces of your corset. You don’t stop him, and when he asks if what he’s doing is okay you nod and politely urge him to continue.

The laces are halfway undone when you hear a faint knock on the door. The two of you freeze, waiting a moment before you hear the knocking again.

“Y/n? I know you’re in there.” Anastasia.

“What is it?” you ask. Erwin lets out a heavy breath, pressing his forehead against your shoulder.

“We said we’d go out and get stuff, remember? Like flowers or something, I dunno.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, turning your head to face the ceiling because yes, you had agreed to do that. But that was before you were held in Erwin’s arms again.

“Is it possible to move it to later?”

“Not really. There’s like, a thing. And another thing. And one more thing that’s kind of important.”

You sighed at Anastasia’s vagueness. Now you were aware that she had brewed up some sort of scheme, and you weren’t entirely sure how comfortable you were with it.

“Listen if you don’t respond I’m coming in,” Anastasia says after it had been quiet too long. You heard the doorknob turn.

“No!” both you and Erwin call out. He had lifted his head from your shoulder and turned to look at the door.

“Knew it. You two were getting down and dirty in there. And before you’re even married. The scandal.” You heard Anastasia quietly snicker as Erwin sighed, leaning against his arm and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“She’ll be out in a minute,” Erwin says. He uses a commanding tone that makes you feel hot. The hand he holds on your thigh scorches your skin through the fabric of your skirt, and when he starts drawing small circles with his thumb you almost melt.

“Okay . . .” Anastasia draws out the word. “I’ll be waiting in the lobby.”

You hear her footsteps retreat, and when you’re sure she’s completely gone you groan and fall back onto the bed.

“I’m sorry,” you say, running your hands over your face. “I completely forgot about that.”

Erwin chuckles, the bed quietly creaking as he stands up. He gently grabs your hands, pulling you so you stand in front of him. He moves your hair out of your face, saying, “It’s alright, darling. We can always do it later.”

He laughs when your eyes widen in shock. He kisses your forehead before he pulls away, letting go of you.

“I’ll see you later.” He smiles, watching as your hands redo the laces on your corset.

“I love you,” you say. You reach the door, placing your hand on the doorknob and turning back to him.

He had seated himself back on the bed, leaning back with his legs crossed. smiled when you said those words, tilting his head up.

“I love you, too.”

You close the door behind you, going back downstairs to join Anastasia on whatever little adventure she had planned.

As it turns out, that adventure was simply finding pretty flowers, Marie and Nile. All three things were in the central market, and all together. Marie and Nile had been looking at a flower booth, picking out hydrangeas and roses.

Marie had smiled when she saw you. She embraced you in a tight hug, saying something about how proud she was that you had started paving your own path.

She looped her arm around yours and did not let go. It wasn’t long until the four of you returned to Henry’s house. Flowers were put into vases and placed around the living room, and soon enough you were shoved into another room to get ready.

—

You slowly blew a breath from your lips, eyes flitting around the room without giving a single object more than a fleeting glance. Your fingers tapped against the stem of the already wilting flowers in your hands, and you had started clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth.

“Will you calm down? You’re giving me anxiety,” Marie said, softly laughing at the sidelong glance you gave her. “I’m kidding. But seriously, why are you so nervous? It’s not like Erwin suddenly ran away, he’s right out the door and down the stairs if you would just open the goddamn door-”

“I’m not opening the door,” you say. You take another deep breath, straightening your back and rolling your shoulders. “What if he sees me and decides he doesn’t want to be married? Mom and Dad would never take me back into the family, what would I do if that happens-”

Marie put her hands on your shoulders, softly shaking you. “Y/n. Erwin stayed after almost being shot at when Mom and Dad kicked him out. And when that happened, your hair was half-done and you were wearing a robe and he still blew you a kiss. I sincerely doubt he’s going to leave, especially with you wearing that and looking as pretty as you do.”

She fixes the sleeves of your cream dress—the same one you wore the night you and Erwin met.

“What if he has second thoughts?”

Marie blew a breath through her nose, holding you by the arms again. She stared at you, her brown eyes a passage into her soul and deepest thoughts.

“I promise you he won’t. Nile and Anastasia both say he doesn’t shut up about you when they hang out. They’re tired of hearing it.” Marie laughs, looping her arm through yours. “Nothing will go wrong. I promise. And if it does, I will take Dad’s musket and shoot Erwin myself.”

Her threat makes you snort, and you bring a hand up to cover your mouth as you laugh. Marie smiles beside you, taking a deep breath before placing a hand on the doorknob.

“Ready?”

You inhale, holding the breath as you nod. Just on the other side of this door is your future. Your entire world is standing just outside and waiting for you.

You can feel your heart beating, can hear the throbbing of it in your ears. A chill runs down your spine, making you wonder where all these nerves suddenly came from.

“I’m ready.”

Marie smiles, mouthing something you didn’t catch before pushing the door open.

Marie led you down the hallway, stepping in front of you to go down the stairs first. She waits for you at the bottom, taking your arm as you descend the stairs.

You look around the living room and take everything in. Nothing had changed, but somehow the flowers make the room seem more alive and vibrant.

And then your eyes land on Erwin, and the breath you had been holding gets released. Tall and blond and still oh, so handsome—just like the night you met him.

He smiles when he sees you, because he just can’t believe he managed to make you fall in love with him. You were ethereal to him, your smile alone radiant enough to light the entire world.

Nile and Anastasia both sit in wooden chairs, both dressed nicer than usual and smiling as they watch their friends.

When you finally take Erwin's hands it feels like you’re on top of the world. You want everything to stop for just a second so you can enjoy this moment longer. You exchange your vows and promises to each other, and it’s everything you could have wished for and more.

And then you kiss and god it’s just pure magic. You don’t think there’s ever been a moment in history where someone was happier than you were as you kissed your new husband.

You and Erwin pulled away for just a second before you kissed again, this time wrapping your arms around each other. You heard Anastasia whistle, saying, “Aye, hands to yourselves, guys. Save that for the bedroom.”

It makes you pull away from Erwin to laugh, leaning against him as he holds you close.

The rest of the evening is filled with laughter. The six of you all enjoy each other’s company, getting to know each other more and more.

You and Erwin cling to each other, always touching in some way and never letting the other out of sight.

And it translates well later, when Marie and Nile have left and Anastasia and Henry have gone to bed. It leaves you and Erwin as the only ones away, sharing slow, sensual kisses as you slowly undress and touch each other.

—

Golden rays streamed through the windows, creating an ethereal, early morning glow around everything.

You shared whispered words with Erwin, talking about where you should move to. You couldn’t help but stare at the beautiful man in front of you, your husband. The entire situation was dreamlike with the way Erwin was backlit from the sun. It created a glow around him that made you believe he might be an angel, highlighting his blue eyes.

“Where do you think we should go?”

“Maybe Trost. We passed through it on our last expedition. It’s a nice place, good people.”

You hummed, fidgeting with Erwin’s fingers as you thought. God, you could not look away from his face. The curve of his nose was beautiful, and the tilt of his lips when he noticed you staring was just so alluring.

“What are you thinking about?” he softly asks, not wanting to disturb the atmosphere around you two.

“Just you.” You smiled, quietly laughing when he wrapped an arm around your bare waist and pulled you flush against him. “And us.”

“What about us?” He nudged his nose against yours, lips just barely ghosting each other.

“Just our future. Where we’ll end up.” You let out a soft breath and closed your eyes, content with everything you have now. “When do you leave?”

“Three days.” Erwin sighed, pressing his forehead against yours. “And then I’m gone for about three weeks.”

You hummed, expression slightly faltering. But you weren’t sad. You knew that marrying him meant you would be alone more often than not. You had prepared yourself for this.

“Okay. Maybe I can start a business or something in that time. Just something for us to have a little extra money. I can make clothes,” you said.

Erwin smiled at your response, lightly tracing your spine with his fingertips. “I’ll be back for a few weeks after, though. We can be together more then.”

Your lips curve up, and you finally drew your gaze away from his to tuck your head where his neck met his shoulder. You left a soft kiss on his collarbone, letting out a satisfied breath as you basked in his presence.

“When should we start going?” you ask. “To Trost, I mean.”

“You want to go to Trost?”

You nod. “Why not? You said it seemed like a good place, so let’s go there.”

Erwin’s fingers softly tapped against your back. After a moment he stopped, instead splaying his hand across the small of your back and pulling you as close as possible.

“We should probably go before I leave, then. I don’t want you here for three more weeks, but I want to experience this first with you.” His face pressed against the top of your head, and he took a deep breath before continuing. “I want us to be a happy family.”

You smile. “We are a happy family. And we’ll be even happier as time goes on.”

And you were. You spent the rest of the day with Anastasia and her uncle before you left for Trost.

It was almost overwhelming. You realized as you looked for an available house that you truly had no idea how to be an adult and do these things, but it’s lucky that Erwin was there because he managed to figure it out and buy a lovely little house at the edge of the district.

You go out and find vendors that sell fabric after that, hoping to find a few pieces that you can hopefully make into clothing and sell. When you got back home he helped the two of you get settled down, and you made love once more in your new house before he had to leave.

You send him off with a passionate kiss, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him down to your level. You make him promise to return to you alive and in one piece before kissing him again.

And then he leaves, and you’re left in your new feelings of love.

—

You found out you were pregnant from the little clues your body gave you. You ignored them at first, telling yourself you missed your period because of the stress from making clothes, telling yourself that the nausea was from eating something weird the night before, telling yourself that the soreness on your lower back and chest was from sitting hunched over your desk as you sewed.

But one morning after throwing up you sat against the wall and thought about it. You put all the symptoms together and thought about what they could mean before the possibility of being pregnant dawned on you.

You stared at the panel of wood across from you for what seemed like hours before a tear slipped down your cheek.

You didn’t know why you were crying. You didn’t even know if this was a good thing or not. But you sat in that same spot for what must have been days just letting tears silently fall down your cheeks. You remember you grabbed your hair close to the roots and tugged, wanting to pull it out. You had pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes, hoping to stop the flow of hot tears before you stood up.

You took a deep breath and composed yourself, blinking the remaining tears from your eyes and wiping the wetness from your cheeks with a cloth.

When you walked out of the bathroom, you ignored your revelation for as long as you could, hoping you were wrong. And it worked for a while. You dealt with the nausea and the soreness and the annoying voice in the back of your head telling you to start preparing for whatever baby might be on the way. You ignored it all and continued with your life as usual, making clothes and cleaning whatever mess you made and making food for one.

Of course, there was the occasional letter Erwin sent that told you his break was postponed. Every time it was because of something different. Be it the commander had gotten hurt again, there weren’t enough soldiers to spare, or some paperwork needed to be filled out. It didn’t matter what it was, there was always a reason for Erwin to stay.

It didn’t matter, though. Because you had everything figured out. You were making enough of a living on your own to provide for yourself and still have leftover money to do what you pleased with.

Sure, it had been almost four months since you last saw Erwin, but that was to be expected. He was part of the Scouts regiment, his schedule was bound to be busy.

All throughout that, you had been able to ignore your earlier revelation of being pregnant. In fact, you had nearly forgotten about it completely with how easily you were able to weave the daily dizzy spells and vomit into your life.

That is, you were able to ignore it until four and a half months later when you started to show. Your clothes started fitting just a little bit tighter and two weeks later you found yourself measuring the size of your stomach to make dresses that fit comfortably.

When you seemed to finally realize you were growing a child inside of you, you became more cautious of the things you did. You immediately sen Erwin a letter informing him of your pregnancy and started giving yourself bigger servings of food to help the baby inside of you grow and receive nourishment.

Erwin had yet to come back, but you had sent a strongly worded letter to Commander Keith Shadis, begging him to allow your husband to come home even if it was only for a day.

It worked, and a week and a half later you opened the front door to your husband, concerned and asking what was wrong before his eyes trailed down to your stomach. His eyes had widened, and you had to gently pull him by the arm to get him inside the house.

He stood in shock as you grabbed his luggage and set it to the side and took off his coat and hung it for him—all the things a good wife does for her husband. He abruptly turned his head in your direction as you hung his coat, mouth slightly agape as he took in your form again.

His eyes lingered on your stomach. It was barely noticeable, but it was an obvious change for someone that hadn’t seen you in months.

He took a tentative step closer to you and gently grabbed your hand. You look up at him, meeting his piercing gaze. You can’t discern exactly what he’s feeling, but he squeezes your hand and you figure that must count for something.

“Darling, are you . . ?” He can’t finish his sentence, but you know what he’s asking. You almost want to shake your head and deny it, and you probably would if it weren’t so obvious.

But you nod. And you watch as Erwin drops to his knees and begs for forgiveness.

—

The silence is deafeningly loud at dinner that night. Erwin holds your hand in his as your forks silently clang against the bowls. He runs his thumb over your knuckles, almost as if he’s scared to let you go. He keeps giving you apologetic looks, glancing over when he thinks you aren’t looking.

“I’m fine,” you finally say when you’re able to make eye contact with him. “Just . . .”

You trail off, making a vague hand motion to yourself. Erwin nods, and he doesn’t give you an apologetic glance again. But his hold on your hand does tighten. When you stand up to collect the dirty dishes, Erwin stands as well. He picks up the bowls and forks before you get the chance to, leaving you standing by the table helplessly.

“I can do things on my own,” you softly say when he comes back. He pushes both of your chairs in and takes your hands in his again. He looks down at you with heartbroken eyes and licks his lips before talking.

“I know. I just feel so bad that I wasn’t here.” He squeezes your hands, pressing his soft lips to your forehead. You close your eyes, allowing yourself to bask in the feeling of it after going what felt like forever without his touch. “I should have been here.”

“It’s okay,” you say, because it really is. He was busy and had things more important than his wife on his plate. He can’t be there for you like you want all the time. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

“I should have been here then. You shouldn’t have had to keep this for so long.”

“I told you about it in the letters I wrote.”

“What letters?” There was just the smallest sense of panic in his voice, and when you opened your eyes to look at him you saw the tips of his ears turn red.

“Did you not get my letters?” Your brows pulled together in a confused glance because you’re sure you addressed them correctly. Maybe you didn’t even send them to begin with. Or maybe they simply got lost in the mail.

But no, you did nothing wrong. Erwin had seen every single envelope addressed to him, and he always smoothed his finger over the edges before he set it down and told himself he’d read it later.

He never did. But you didn’t need to know that.

“I-I didn’t,” he lied. And he felt so bad about lying because you had done nothing to deserve being lied to. You had only been the wife he’d dreamed of having, waiting patiently for him to come home after weeks of being away.

He watched your expression fall. It wasn’t a drastic change, but it was just enough for him to notice.

“Oh. That-That’s alright. They probably got lost or something. Postal service, you know?” You let out a fake, pained chuckle before clearing your throat and glancing away. “But, uhm, yeah. I guess this is kind of it.” You vaguely motioned to yourself, biting the inside of your cheek.

Erwin stared at you, not knowing what to say as he watched you chew on your lip. You two stood in silence for what must have been hours before you finally drew out a breath and walked away. You didn’t know where you were going, but you assumed you would just figure that out as you went.

And you do figure it out, because you remember a dress you agreed to make for someone that’s waiting in the living room. Erwin follows you through the house, hesitantly putting his hand on your shoulder once you had started working.

“My love, are you upset?” His voice is soft, acting as if he were in a library.

You shake your head, not moving your focus from the needle and thread in your hands. “I’m fine. What would I even be upset about?”

“Y/n, I am so sorry. I would have come running if I’d known you were pregnant.” Erwin knelt beside you, placing a hand on your thigh and gently squeezing. The other was warm on your back, and you noticed how much rougher they had gotten as he traced small circles on the exposed skin of your nape.

“I said I was fine. I’m just tired.” That much was true. You were exhausted. You never imagined being pregnant would take this much out of you.

“Please let me do something for you. I can rub your back, or clean something, or-or make you breakfast tomorrow.” He sounds desperate, and the way he slightly pulls your leg to get you to face him tells you that he truly is. You can see the guilt in his blue eyes, and God it makes you feel so bad because he feels this way because of you. Sure, you expected some sadness and longing to come from this relationship, but not this.

So you give in. You put down your work, let your shoulders slump as you face him, and let out a breath. “Okay,” you say quietly. “You can make breakfast for me tomorrow if you want.”

Erwin lets out a relieved breath and closes his eyes, mouthing something you don’t catch before he presses your foreheads together and leaves a lingering kiss on your lips.

“Thank you.” His mouth stays against yours as he says it, and he kisses you again. “I promise to make everything up to you. I told you that you’d have everything you ever wanted in our marriage and I intend to make that a reality.”

You softly hum as he pulls away and stands, holding his hand out for you to take. You take it, because even though you can do these things yourself it’s still the touch of his hand against yours.

He leads you to the bedroom, where he kisses your hand and tells you he’ll be just a moment before leaving.

You spare a glance out the window and notice it’s late. You spent more time making dinner because you weren’t used to cooking as much as you did at once and you had burnt the first attempt. Erwin wouldn’t have minded, but you wanted to make him a nice dinner.

You undress, finding a nightdress that fits a bit too snugly and moving to put it on before you catch a glance of yourself in the mirror. You notice the faintest lines on your breasts and lightly trace over them with your fingers. They weren’t there before, and you’re not sure how to get rid of them.

You hear Erwin’s footsteps coming back to the room, and you quickly slip the nightgown over your body. It’s almost too small, and you know you’ll have to either make or buy new clothes soon.

You look at yourself in the mirror again. God, you hate the way you look. Exhausted and overworked, which makes no sense because you’ve been sleeping for the right amount of time and haven’t been piling too much work on yourself. You just look so worn out.

When Erwin opens the door and sees you looking at yourself in the mirror, he thinks you’re admiring the bump. He comes up behind you, trailing his hand across your shoulder and kissing your temple.

“I promise I’ll be more present,” he says against your hair. He places both hands on your arms, kissing you again before making eye contact with you in the mirror. “I promise, love.”

You softly hum, forcing a smile as you meet Erwin’s gaze in the mirror. “It’s alright. I know you have other responsibilities.”

“Nothing is more important than you,” he intejects. He turns you around so you’re face to face, making it so you can’t escape his gaze. “You should be the first thing on my priority list, Y/n. Don’t let me forget that.”

You softly nod, keeping your expressionless face as you stare at yourself in the mirror. He looks at you with sad eyes before leaning in, kissing your forehead.

“I love you, Y/n. I promise I’ll be better.”

“Just be here when they’re born. Or soon after. I just want you with me when they’re here.”

Erwin nods, a sort of determination evident in his eyes. “I will. I will, I promise.”

And what right did you have to think he was lying?

—

Erwin was called back to his post three days later.

He had left you alone again, but this time it became a routine of two weeks where he wasn’t home and two weeks when he was. You had formed your schedule around that, running most of your errands and chores while he was gone and clearing your agenda so you could spend time with him while he was off.

You often went to the market to buy groceries together, and Erwin would cook dinner for you in the evenings while you watched him from the dinner table.

You were pissed at him, but that had slowly gone away. You never stopped loving him, but something about having him back more regularly made your stomach flip.

Until he went off on an expedition and scared the shit out of you when he returned home two days later.

It only got worse after that. His stay with the scouts would extend further and further, making your time with him shorter.

And you truly didn’t understand why he couldn’t just come home when he was given breaks, especially because somehow Anastasia can find the time to visit you.

And that’s where you’re at now, sitting on the couch with Anastasia as you vent all of this to her. She’s silent as you talk, leaning back against the arm of the couch and nodding along with everything you say. She puts her input every now and then, making the kind of comments only she could get away with because they were funny.

And eventually, once you’ve gotten everything off your chest, you get up to make Anastasia tea because you hadn’t offered her any when she came in. It was the polite thing to do, especially since she was one of your closest friends.

However, when you stand, pain shoots through your body. You recognize it as a contraction, which is how you know you’re going to have this baby soon.

You try to continue with the task, but you have more and more contractions closer and closer together, and eventually Anastasia pieces two and two together before you do and rushes you out your front door.

She bribed someone with a wagon to give the both of you a lift, and before you know it you’re at a doctor’s clinic being told to calm your breathing.

“Y/n, why did you decide to have a baby at 16? This is actually a terrible idea.”

Maybe it was.

Maybe this entire thing was a mistake. Maybe you should have waited and thought this through before diving in headfirst. Maybe your parents were right and you should have given this entire thing more thought.

But those doubts are silenced. Because sixteen hours later on August 13, you hold your precious baby boy for the first time and realize this is it. Now that he’s here, Erwin has to be home more often.

You name the infant in your arms Benjamin—a strong name for the son of a strong man. A strong base for what you hope will turn into a strong relationship.

You could feel your eyes drooping, fighting off sleep as hard as possible. You had Anastasia write to Erwin and tell him his son had been born, telling her to keep it short and sounding urgent.

And she agreed, leaving your side to grab a sheet of paper to write on. In the short amount of time she was gone, you dozed off, hoping and praying and wishing this would be enough to get your husband back home.

But not all dreams come true, because Erwin Smith saw his son for the first time three months and fourteen days after he was born.

with ten minutes left of his birthday, happy birthday Erwin Smith

this is going to be a super long multipart series guys i’m sorry 💀 (not a lot of parts tho). also the title of this is literally complete bs i just had to title it so i just used the EP “Good Grief” by Leanna Firestone because I used the songs in that to describe a lot of feeling

but anyways! please for the love of god supoort this because i wrote this entire series in like two months and am going back and editing right now and i poured my entire heart and soul into it please like it

also know that it only goes downhill from here

but i hope y’all enjoyed it anyways

-Izzy <3

next part >>

TAGGING: @daisynik7 if you’d like to join the taglist for this series or be notified whenever I write for Erwin please leave a comment or DM!

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writting-for-a-chain-of-heros · 12 days

Text

Links divorce HC

Day 1:

Sky

Neglected

Tw: Divorce, depression, neglect and a lot of angst

He really didn't know how it happened but one day you both had gotten into a slow routine where you were both acting more like roommates than a couple

Or more specifically YOU stopped acting like his spouse

It was slow at first, little changes here and there that didn't seem like a big deal at first but looking back at them they were warning signs he should have considered before the situation escalated into this.

At first they were complaints about how tired you had been feeling lately, how busy you had been with helping to repair the damages your era had faced by Dark Link plus his goons and how forgetful you had started being on time to your dates with Sky.

Then you started to slowly sleep in more during the morning,which Sky couldn't protest against too much since it meant more time for him to sleep but also more time to cuddle with you in his arms as you rested against him.

But soon after it got to a point where even HE was concerned with how many days you'd spend doing nothing but laying in your covers with the rare exception of work that was also on the edge of being forgotten in exchange for sloth.

He'd try to get you to get out more often by suggesting some of the things you loved to do together, unfortunately they also didn't work.

You want to go exploring? Sorry not today, your legs feel weak :(

You want to go flying? The weather is too cold/hot/humid/sunny, maybe next time

Do you want to go spar for a few rounds? You have an upset stomach,your head hurts or you just don't have the energy for it today.

At some point you stop eating as much as you use to, in fact you're barely eating at all

He tries his best to be a good spouse by bringing the food to you in bed which results in you refusing to eat and leaving behind a full plate or only patrically eating it while leaving most of it behind

Every time he'd try to question you on why you haven't been going out or caring for yourself he's met with either silence or a half answer excuse.

“Can you tell me what's been bothering you?” He'd ask

“It's nothing, I am just in a funk, I'll get out of it soon,Link.”

He doesn't want to push you beyond your limits and he genuinely believes you when you tell him those lines over to him

It's ok

You're ok

Everything is ok.

You're just in a bad mood, this will pass in time

He just needs to give you space and comfort then you'll be back to the same old you from before.

He just has to wait and be patient.

That's what he tells himself for weeks as you slowly start to get worse and worse over time.

It was bad enough when you were both acting so distant but now he was less of a spouse and more like a parent now.

It has been 6 months and you had stopped do all chores, stopped feeding yourself, stopped showering, stopped working, stopped going on dates completely and stopped,well, basically doing everything except breathing

Sometimes you'd get up to go to the bathroom, maybe eat a little bit of the food Link had gotten you and that was it before you plopped back down to bed with the old stained blanket

The room would stink of day-old food that was barely touched and Link would have to be the one to toss it out while he did the dishes along with the rest of the household chores he had been doing alone for some time now.

He’d find himself having to drag you out of bed to clean you since you refused to do it yourself.

He'd change out the bed sheets,blankets, pillows you had been sleeping in for Hylia knows how long.

He'd brush your hair,brush your teeth,clip your nails, change your clothes,do the laundry & do his daily activities outside while you continue to show no progress

He tries to talk to you a few more times but you don't even bother to give an excuse anymore which leads to a lot of one sided arguments that only frustrate him more as the relationship becomes more strained.

He tries to get you to do couples counseling and tries to seek help from his friends to mediate the situation only for it to fail as well.

He wants to help you.

He really does but he doesn't know how.

But the most frustrating part of it all is that it seems as though you aren't even trying at all

After a year & a half of consistently trying he finally gives you an ultimatum.

You either seek professional help and try to get better or there's a divorce.

He loves you

He absolutely loves you

He wants to spend the rest of his life with you

But he can't stay with you if you refuse to do anything to change or improve

He feels neglected

He feels alone

He wants the bright person you used to be to come back...

Please..

……

…..

The relationship ends.

#linked universe #lu #linked universe x reader #chesse tag #cheese writes #angst #lu sky x reader #lu sky

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pandorasword · 1 year

Note

Can you do something fluffy with pre-debut chaeri and yoongi?

I thought they were really cute in that TikTok clip.

Chaeri as the 8th and youngest member of BTS. Chaeri's masterlist

❒ members: Yoongi

❒ genre: Fluff

❒ summary: In which Chaeri has an infallible method for turning off too-noisy thoughts and decides to share it with Yoongi

❒ notes: thank you so much for the request! let me know if you enjoyed it and sorry for being so late

❒ warnings: not proofreaded

requests are open (even if it takes a while)

May, 2013

჻ She did not need to step through the door of their studio (or rather basement) in Namsan-dong to realize that the boys were fighting, again

჻ The object of each argument? The mattress

჻ A short time earlier, while searching for discarded furniture that might be suitable and clean enough to furnish that small room they had to work on their music, they found a sleeping mattress that was still in good condition

჻ They couldn't claim much since they were practically broke, so they had been excited enough about that piece of furniture that was very useful to the long nights spent there

჻ Unfortunately, the space on the mattress was barely enough for two people

჻ So, arguments always revolved around whose turn it was to sleep on it at night

჻ The others made do as they could, some on sleeping bags, some on uncomfortable chairs

჻ At that time, however, deciding who should use it was even more difficult

჻ With the humid heat that had hit Korea in those last few days, sharing the narrow bed with someone could not be contemplated

჻ Sometimes, because of their busy schedules, returning to the dorms to sleep in their room was just out of the question

჻ And so they ended up fighting all the time

჻ Men.

჻ Chaeri, used to sleeping on a chair, didn't bother to fight for her turn

჻ The door opened before she had the chance to do it herself.

჻ A visibly bored Taehyung, followed by Jungkook, walked out barely giving her a quick nod before leaving

჻ The girl stopped Jungkook before he could disappear behind the alley like the other boy did

჻ Both of them, like her, were carrying a large pile of flyers to distribute

჻ "Mattress?"

჻ "Mattress."

჻ "Who did Tae argue with?"

჻ "With Yoongi hyung, either of them won't give up their turn to the other," he gave her a small smile that made her realize that mediating between the two must have been hard work

჻ And that the next few hours in there would be spent with an even more annoyed Yoongi

჻ What a lovely day

゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜

჻ "I'm back"

჻ The backpack on her shoulders filled with dozens of posters to promote their soon-to-be debut had stuck to her sweaty T-shirt

჻ In a large grocery bag, meanwhile, she carried a small fan earned by doing a chore at the appliance store a few miles away from there

჻ She had spent the entire morning delivering flyers, picking up from the recycling bin those tossed by passersby just ahead, and then helped the elderly store owner unload the goods that had just arrived

჻ That had earned his sympathy and the device she brought with her

჻ Sitting on the floor, with about ten sheets of paper in front of him, Yoongi kept scribbling words in illegible handwriting

჻ "Welcome back"

჻ He was always very polite, but never too warm to her nor to the rest of the maknae line

჻ Despite Chaeri's constant efforts to try to get him to like her, their relationship did not seem to have improved much since its beginnings

჻ It was not that they did not get along, he simply considered her not very much. A mere coworker

゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜

჻ "Were you able to hand out enough flyers?"

჻ The staff told them that they would soon be making their debut in the industry, confirming the actual position of all 8 members

჻ That's why they were taking turns handing out flyers to promote their upcoming music release and performances

჻ "Handing them out was no problem, but I found far too many thrown in the paper bin just ahead of where I was. I picked them up and brought them back here."

჻ They couldn't afford to print a lot of them, picking them up from the pile of other discarded papers was a need

჻ Not that they would get dirty, in fact, since the bins were specifically dedicated to newspapers and flyers

჻ Yoongi nodded to her as the room was filled with the notes of a song she did not know: His phone was ringing

჻ Not to be nosy, Chaeri took the opportunity to shrug off her backpack and bag and go to the bathroom to take a shower

჻ She needed it, sweaty as she was

゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜

჻ As she turned on the faucet, she could hear Yoongi's conversation with someone on the phone. His tone was calm, collected, but there was an edge of frustration in his voice. She couldn't help but eavesdrop a bit, walls too thin not to allow her to hear

჻ Yoongi sighed his conversation with his mom, shaking his head. He knew what was coming: another lecture on why he should quit the music career and focus on something else. He had heard the same thing a hundred times before and it never changed.

჻ "Mom, I'm fine," he said, trying to be polite and respectful. "I enjoy what I do here"

჻ But his mom wasn't convinced. She kept insisting that that was not for him and that he should find something better suited for him. She argued that he was already too old to not have a job and to be messing around with kids

჻ As much as he tried not to be affected by the words of the one who raised him, not being supported was what hurt him most

჻ And this continually spilled over into his daily peace of mind and the relationship he had with other members

჻ Especially the younger ones

჻ His parents' words echoed in his head more than he wanted to

�� What if he was really making a mistake? wasting time instead of studying and finding a respectable job? was he really wasting time with kids?

჻ He could understand his parents' thinking to some extent. Chaeri, the youngest, was almost 6 years apart from him.

჻ Was he really getting so influenced by her that he felt the weight of those details she kept pointing out to him?

჻ As he hung up the phone, Yoongi leaned against the wall and let out a long sigh. He felt a pang of guilt for not being able to make his parents proud, for not being able to live up to their expectations

჻ He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind and focus on the work that he needed to do

჻ He grabbed his notebook and started scribbling lyrics, trying to take his mind off of things. But the words wouldn't come. He couldn't focus

჻ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he saw Chaeri standing in front of him, long black hair still wet, a white T-shirt that accentuated the slight golden tan those outdoor mornings of work had given her.

჻ He quickly looked away.

჻ "Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to stare."

჻ Chaeri gave him a small smile "It's okay," "Do you need the bathroom? I'm almost done."

჻ "No, no, it's fine, I can wait."

჻ When she finally walked out of the bathroom after drying the hair, Yoongi was still sitting in the same spot, his eyes glued to his notebook

჻ For a few moments, there was silence, save for the scratching of Yoongi's pen

჻ Glancing at the papers in front of him, all she saw were crossed-out sentences and incomprehensible scribbles

჻ Totally different from what she was used to seeing in the boy's hands

჻ Yoongi, noticing the look in the girl's eyes sighed and looked up at her. "I'm just...not feeling very inspired today."

჻ Chaeri nodded, understanding. She knew that creative blocks were common in the music industry, but she also had a feeling that there was more going on with Yoongi than just a lack of inspiration, because of the tense tone with which she had heard him speak on the phone just before

჻ "Is everything okay?" she asked gently, taking a seat beside him.

჻ Yoongi hesitated for a moment before he finally spoke, "Yeah, it's just some family stuff. My parents don't really support what I'm doing here."

჻ "You have to do what makes you happy. You can't live your life to please others."

჻ The two sat in silence for a few moments, Yoongi lost in thought and Chaeri trying to figure out a way to help him.

჻ That's when it hit her. She was wearing the necklace she had built in Jeju months earlier, as soon as she returned from France

჻ It was quite simple, with a shell dangling in a thin string

჻ She usually never took it off

჻ It was her habit to bring the shell to her ear whenever her thoughts became too noisy

჻ The sound of the sea from it always managed to calm her somehow

჻ Chaeri took off the necklace and held it out to Yoongi. "Here," she said. "Maybe it'll help you find some inspiration."

჻ He looked at her, a bit confused. "What do you mean?"

჻ "This shell is from Jeju. Whenever I feel lost or stuck, I listen to the sound of the sea in it, and it helps me calm down and focus. Maybe it'll do the same for you."

჻ He took the necklace from her and examined the shell. It was small and delicate, but it held a certain charm. He put it to his ear and listened.

჻ At first, all he heard was the rushing wind and some distant traffic, but after a few moments, he started to hear something else. It was faint at first, but it grew stronger with each passing second. It was a melody, soft and gentle, but it was there.

჻ Yoongi looked up at Chaeri, amazed

჻ She had managed to break through his walls, if only a little

჻ "It's beautiful," he murmured. "Thank you."

჻ Chaeri smiled. "It's okay" She paused for a moment, then added, "If you ever need to talk about anything...I'm here to listen."

჻ Yoongi nodded. He had been so closed off for so long that it felt strange and foreign to have someone who was willing to listen. But he found the thought comforting.

჻ He slipped the necklace around his neck, not wanting to let go of that feeling just yet

჻ "I'll remember that"

゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜

჻ As the sun began to set, the members who had been out during the daylight hours were approaching to return to the studio

჻ Taehyung, especially, had been able to relieve the tension that his fight with Yoongi earlier caused him

჻ At that moment, tired and sweaty, exhausted from the suffocating Korean heat, they wanted nothing more than to take a cold shower and have dinner

჻ The first to walk through the basement door was Tae himself who, immediately, was hit by the scene he faced:

჻ A small fan was puffing a cool breeze toward the mattress on which Chaeri was sleeping. Yoongi, sitting on the floor beside the mat, was holding his papers with one hand which he was reading carefully and stroking Chaeri's hair with the other

჻ Taehyung couldn't help but feel a bit jealous. He knew it was selfish and childish, but he couldn't help it. Yoongi didn't even want to let him sleep on the mat earlier, and now here he was, letting the female member do it

჻ He felt his fists clench slightly as he tried to stop himself from saying something that would probably make him sound like a child. Instead, he pointed at the mattress and asked: "What's going on? I thought it was your turn today since you repeated it to me a million times this morning."

჻ Yoongi looked up at Taehyung "It was. But I wanted to give it up to her"

჻ The members, who by now had passed the boy still standing in the doorway, began to laugh at the look on his face

჻ Amazed, outraged

჻ "Did you really give up your turn?"

჻ "Yes."

჻ "But it should have been mine!"

჻ " Might be tomorrow."

჻ "Oh no, tomorrow will be mine!" Jimin immediately jumped in.

჻ And while the arguments about whose mattress should go the next day, Yoongi was unable to think of anything else that keeping the youngest of the group away in those months had been a big mistake

჻ Especially Chaeri, who had given him something so precious to her despite his being unfriendly

჻ "Be quiet, or you will wake her up."

჻ And the room became silent

჻ With no one arguing, for the first time in months

taglist: @alixnsuperstxr anyone who'd like to be added to the taglist just let me know

#bts 8th member #bts female addition #bts female member #suga x reader #yoongi x reader #bts x reader #bts imagines #yoongi imagine #kpop female member #kpop addition #kpop oc #kpop #bts 8th member au #bts au fic

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simpforchuchu · 1 year

Text

Magoroku Yamaguchi x reader with Suzuran Boys

a/n: Wow it's been really a long time..Im not very confident about writing anymore...

And i cleaned my requests.I mean most of them... I kept some of them cause i want to write them :') If i can be ready again, I will open the requests... Love you 🥺♥️

• Sorry for the grammer or spelling mistakes.English is not my main language so...

• Thank you and love you 🥰

Warnings: gangs stuffs, violence but fluff in the end

Suzuran was loud as always. After the visit of Fujio, the leader of Oya High, there was an argument between the Raoh faction and the other factions. After Mercy had silenced everyone for sure, he was going up the stairs.

Yamaguchi and Binzo were walking towards the stairs as Kamui walked right behind him.

As the voices rose again in the courtyard with the person in the gray hoodie and black jeans entering the yard, Yamaguchi and Binzo turned to look at the mysterious person in the yard.

When the person in the yard,unbuttoned their hood and tossed their hair, everyone was surprised to see that it was a girl at first, but then they fell silent with the familiar face.

As Binzo grinned at the familiar face, Yamaguchi rolled his eyes and walked towards the girl.

"Oi! A busy day huh?"

It was no surprise that the young girl fearlessly entered Suzuran. Y/n provided information exchange between gangs and mediated. That's why she was on good terms with most schools and leaders. No one would hurt her because if they did, they would have to start a war with other schools.

So everyone in Suzuran got out of the way. And the young girl looked at the two who had turned towards the stairs, then gave up and moved towards her.

"I heard you couldn't handle Hanaoka Fujio. I thought you were the strongest school in the region."

Binzo rolled his eyes atwhat she said but Yamaguchi turned serious as Y/n said with a grin. Everyone knew how cocky and annoying this girl was. Binzo wouldn't start a fight because he knew she was just trying to annoy them and how well she got along with Mercy.

But there had been an enmity between Y/n and Yamaguchi for a long time.

There was no real reason, they both found each other annoying. And she wouldn't like to leave Suzuran without annoying him..

Yamaguchi angrily walked towards her, stopped in front of the young girl and looked at her with a serious look. Y/n was still grinning.

"What are you doing here? One day you're going to get beaten up accidentally because of your sudden arrivals."

When Yamaguchi grinned at the young girl, the young girl smiled and shook her head.

"Sometimes you forget how smart I am Magoroku-chan"

Yamaguchi was even more irritated by the way the young girl spoke.

"You're not smart, you're sneaky y/n-chan"

Y/n leaned a little closer to the younger boy with a smile, only millimeters between them.

"Smart or sneaky... I find most of the information you guys can't get with your fists. Just like today."

Yamaguchi still remained serious

"I can also use my fists as a plus. I know I'm pretty great."

The young boy rolled his eyes as the young girl smiled and blinked. Knowing that the bickering between the two always resulted in shouting at each other, Binzo approached the two of them and cleared his throat. But when the two did not turn to him, he shouted.

"Oi!"

As the two turned to Binzo, Binzo nodded,

"I finally got attention. I think Mercy should listen to what y/n-chan has to say before you start an argument. If you want to fight later, I'll be the referee."

Yamaguchi glared wearily at Binzo as Binzo grinned wide, while Y/n walked up the stairs grinning and went upstairs. The boys followed her.

When Y/n entered the upstairs room, Mercy smiled and stood up.Y/n approached him with a smile as the boys followed her into the room.

"Y/n-chan! Too many visitors today."

Y/n smiled at what Mercy said with a smile.

"Mashii-san, you're the only one who welcomed me when I came here."

The young boy grinned as Y/n turned and smiled at Yamaguchi.

Mercy looked at the two of them and shook his head and laughed.

"Y/n-chan, I know you two don't get along well, although I don't know why, but today was a tiring enough day.".

Y/n nodded

"I didn't come here to fight, Mashii-san, don't worry. I also talked to Odajima from Housen before I came here. You've both noticed that there's been somethings happening in Senomon and Kamasaka high schools for a while. I've gathered information from some people from the schools. I haven't come to a conclusion yet, but if there's going to be a fight, the leaders must be arguing among themselves."

Mercy nodded his head.

"Do you trust those who give you information?"

Y/n nodded

"It's okay if I trust or not. Because I haven't come to a conclusion. But I guess the leader of Senomon, Amagai, will form an ally with Kamasaka high school. I even heard that Ebara might join this ally. So I think Suzuran should be careful."

Mercy nodded and thought for a few seconds. Y/n silently waited for him.

"I don't think they will attack Suzuran. Even 3 schools will not be strong for this place."

Y/n nodded

“I think so too. Odajima thinks they will attack Oya High. If Oya enters the fight, Housen will help.”

Mercy shook his head.

"If it turns out as we predicted, they'll want to keep Housen out of this incident. It would be great if you could find more information y/n-chan"

Y/n smiled and nodded.

Listening to the two in silence, Binzo and Yamaguchi saw the young girl walking towards the door to leave, and Yamaguchi stopped in front of the young girl.

"How much does Mashii pay you for this info?"

Y/n laughed and shook her head

"I don't get paid for every piece of information. Even if I did, I owe it to Mashii-san, he would always be the exception."

As Y/n winked and descended the stairs, Binzo grinned at Yamaguchi, while Mercy sighed and shook his head.

***

As the young boy was walking through the dark streets, he saw someone sitting on the sidewalk. Yamaguchi easily knew who it was even though they covered their face because their hair had fallen into their face.

Confused, he approached the girl sitting on the pavement with her knees drawn up. At this hour, he couldn't understand why she was sitting in such a dark street.

He silently walked up to her and stood in front of her. When the young girl felt that someone was standing in front of her, she lifted her head and looked at the young boy.

Yamaguchi's eyes opened wide. The young girl had been beaten, her face was scarred and her lip was burst. Moreover, her clothes was covered with dirt. It was obvious that there was a long fight.

Surprised, the young girl grinned and looked at the boy in front of her.

"What is it? Have you ever seen someone beaten up?"

Yamaguchi frowned. He was sure that it was hurting.She was so proud that she was still speaking smugly to hide it.

"What happened to you? Who did this?"

Y/n chuckled and nodded

"I was going to believe for a moment that you really felt worried for me Magoroku"

Yamaguchi continued his serious gaze.

"Come on, make fun of it. Say 'i told you so'. You won't get this chance again. You can laugh—"

"Shut up. What the hell are you doing? I'm not here to make fun of you."

Y/n looked at the young boy in surprise and saw how serious he was. Yamaguchi shook his head and sighed.

"I will ask again, who did this? Why? Every one knows they shouldn't touch you, who dared to do that?"

Y/n took a deep breath.

"They must be from Kamasaka. I rejected the leader of the senomon. He must have let his dogs come and find me."

Thinking about what had just been said, Yamaguchi understood what she was talking about and clenched his fist. He hadn't expected them to go this far.

In fact, he knew very well that one day y/n would get herself in trouble. She was thinking everything was a game and that made Yamaguchi angry.

While he was thinking about these things, he looked at the young girl with the sobbing sound he heard. He crouched on the ground worriedly and approached the young girl.

"Hey? Look at me."

Y/n lifted her head with the young boy's solemn and authoritative voice and looked into his eyes. Yamaguchi didn't know what to say when he saw that the girl's eyes were full of tears and she was crying.

"You... Why are you crying? Does it hurt so much? Ahh... what am I asking? Of course it must be hurting. Do you want to go to the hospital?"

Y/n shook her head as the young boy asked one question after another and placed one hand on Yamaguchi's shoulder.

"It doesn't hurt that much"

Yamaguchi looked at her in surprise, and the young girl continued.

"I'm not crying because it hurts, crying because I'm useless."

"Huh? What the hell are you talking about?"

Y/n shook her head

"My family... My family kept saying I was useless. No matter what I did, I couldn't be enough for them. I... I wanted to do something where I could prove myself. I wanted to let people know that I wasn't weak, that my name—"

Another small sob escaped her lips.

"I don't need money, Magoroku-kun. But I wanted to show my family that I can make money myself. I just wanted to prove something, show that I'm useful, but..."

The young girl's eyes filled with tears again and her voice trembled. And Yamaguchi showed a side of him that he had never shown at that moment. He pulled the young girl to him and hugged her slowly.

Y/n was surprised for a few seconds, but she clinged tightly to his jacket and began to cry.And the young boy patted her back.

Neither knew how much time had passed. As Y/n slowly separated from the young boy,Yamaguchi smiled at her.

"You really are stupid, you know that right?"

Yamaguchi smiled as Y/n slowly nodded her head.

"You're not useless y/n-chan. You're not weak, either. You're one of the smartest, strongest girls I've ever seen. Of course, the most annoying, too."

Y/n chuckled at what Yamaguchi said with a grin

"Besides, if you couldn't protect yourself, you'd probably be in the hospital right now. I don't think those bastards were being gentle to you."

Y/n felt a warmth in her heart when she realized what Yamaguchi was trying to do.

They had known each other for a long time. Even though everyone thought they hated each other, things were very different.

Y/n knew that Yamaguchi was one of the strongest in Suzuran. It wasn't too hard to understand that he had a good heart underneath his tough exterior. They called him the lone wolf. Even though he was quieter and calmer than the others, he liked to argue with y/n every time.

Yamaguchi, on the other hand, thought that the young girl was acting reckless, but in fact, he also softened after learning why. Moreover, he had never hated her. He liked to argue with her too.

Y/n smiled and nodded. Yamaguchi grinned at the young girl.

"Do you know what my role in Suzuran?"

Y/n looked at him confused.

"I heard you're the bodyguard of the Raoh faction?"

Yamaguchi laughed and shook his head, and soon after, he turned around and stepped in front of the young girl.

"Jump on my back, I know you don't have the strength to walk"

Although Y/n didn't know what to say at first, she muttered a small thank you and jumped on the young boy's back and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Yamaguchi smiled and started walking.

"I guess now I have to be your bodyguard too"

Y/n laughed and muttered quietly

"I don't need a bodyguard"

Yamaguchi laughed and shook his head

"Then how would you like me to be your boyfriend?"

Y/n froze for a few seconds in surprise, but smiled and rested her head on the young boy's neck. Smiling, she closed her eyes. When Yamaguchi felt the young girl's head, he glanced at her and smiled.

They both knew very well that they didn't hate each other...

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koshkamartell · 4 hours

Text

No One But Me

masterlist

Oscar had expected to leave your doorstep that night feeling lighter and more at peace within himself. He was being truthful when he said that he just needed to confess his feelings to you. He was not expecting some miracle to magically manifest, a dream come to life that you miraculously confessed your own love for him.

He expected to depart with the weighty burden of his emotions no longer torturing him, returning to the lonesome quiet of his room to fall into a dreamless sleep. But instead, Oscar ended up treking back to his home in an almost bewildered state, with questions buzzing around his brain and a disturbing suspicion that something was not right.

He replayed your conversation over and over in his mind, trying hard to recollect the nuances of your body language and your voice, to remember your exact words. You had looked so small and sad standing at the threshold of your door in your pyjamas. Oscar had overheard Troy talking about the poker night at Tommy's earlier that day, so he chose that particular night to come to your door, knowing Joel would be at Tommy's.

Oscar may love you, but he would never encroach on your relationship with someone else. It didn't occur for him to try persuade you to leave Joel, to give him a chance instead - it just wasn't the kind of man Oscar was. Oscar couldn't even feel resentment toward Joel, even if Joel had never mentioned you. It wasn't his business.

Joel. Oscar couldn't believe you had been with Joel for so long. He was shocked, truthfully. He didn't feel betrayed or upset; he only felt disconcerted. Why hadn't you disclosed your relationship to him earlier? Surely you would have declared it if you were happy together, Oscar believed. So just why did you keep it a secret for so long?

Things haven't been good, you had sobbed to him. What exactly did that mean? Was Joel not treating you right?

While working together Oscar had witnessed the range of moods you cycled through. There were many times you appeared sad, so many moments when he had noticed the pensive set of your features while you were lost in some daydream. You had even cried in his arms. Did you not do that with Joel? Did he not comfort you?

Oscar dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets and groaned wearily. Maybe his mind was purposely confusing him; perhaps he wasn't remembering things as accurately as he could have. But there was a gnawing apprehension inside him that he couldn't ignore. And if this apocalypse had taught Oscar anything, it was that gut instinct shouldn't be ignored.

The night of the argument Joel had stormed out of the dining room and out of the house straight after threatening to kill Oscar, leaving you no chance to debate him. You figured you should wait for the dust to settle and for Joel to cool down before potentially provoking his anger once more, anyway. There was no point in trying to discuss anything with him when he was so agitated; all reasoning seemed to disappear when he was in such a mood. It would have to wait until another day.

You weren't capable of rationally arguing with him, anyway. Your gut was a knotted mass of anxious despair to think of Oscar being in danger, to think that you were now completely trapped into being with Joel not just for Ellie but also for Oscar's safety.

You went to bed alone that night and cried into your pillow. You spent a long time tossing and turning in the sheets, the muscles all through your body far too tense for you to relax enough to fall asleep. You tried to read some more of your book but you couldn't concentrate on the words on the page.

Joel really thought you had cheated on him, had betrayed him somehow. But what was wrong with two friends meeting for lunch once in a while? It's not like you knew Oscar had such deep feelings for you at the time; infact you had been quite blind to the depth of his affection. You had always felt so unworthy of anything good in life that the idea of Oscar actually loving you was never something you'd ever considered before. Why would someone so pure and beautiful want you like that?

But that didn't matter now. You had met him at the wrong time in life and nothing could be done about it, you told yourself. It was easier to think that way and to just brush it off as bad luck, something of a subconscious attempt to stop you from mourning what could have been. If you stopped to consider the whats ifs, your heart would surely break.

After hours of rumination and reminiscing you eventually fell into a deep sleep. You did not wake when Joel returned home in the early hours of the morning and crept into bed next to you, bleary eyed and stinking of whiskey.

The following Wednesday you are sure Oscar would show up to the library for your usual lunch date. You knew him well enough to know he would not abandon your regular date, even after showing up at your cottage late at night to confess his love for you.

So just before your usual meeting time you stick a sign on the front door that said "closed for lunch break". You scribble a note for him on a small piece of paper which you fold and tuck under the door with his name written on the top. You feel like a coward telling Oscar you can no longer see him without a proper explanation, in a letter rather than face to face, but it is for the safety of you both.

You sit on the floor in the store room and read while you wait for your lunch break to finish, your stomach growling from lack of food.

You've been on edge around Joel since your argument last week. You're like a mouse, the way you creep around his house hoping to avoid the opportunity for him to initiate some kind of interaction. It isn't that you are scared of him, either. You want to avoid him because you cannot hide the twisting vine of resentment that's been growing inside your sternum; a burgeoning sense of indignation that you cannot suppress.

You aren't affectionate back to him when his hands ghost over your hips as he passes you in the hallway, or when he presses a kiss to your lips when he comes home in the evenings. You do not seek him out for any kind of pleasure but you also do not stop his advances, often waking in the middle of the night to his hard cock pressing against your ass and his mouth sucking at your neck. You submit to him again and again, and you cum again and again, but you resist the urge to cuddle to his warm, solid body after it is over.

Joel has moved most of your possessions into his house but the place does not feel like home to you. It lacks the warmth and comfort that your cottage owned in all its simple, run down charm. Joel's house is much more spacious, and despite being filled with paintings and different furnishings, the place exudes a kind of gloomy loneliness. There is no sign of cheer. Ellie's absence would have really hit Joel hard, you mused. Joel is probably quite lonely, although he would never admit it.

You retreat into the comfort of books and quests of research for your students. You bask in the ray of joy whenever Ellie pops in for a visit, and you take extra care preparing food she enjoys when she comes for the weekly family dinner. Every other meal time is subdued.

You sit beside Joel at the dinner table each night, sometimes reading a novel, sometimes wordlessly chewing and swallowing food that neither whets or satiates what little appetite you have. To his credit Joel tries to make some kind of conversation with you, usually by asking questions about your day, but his words come out awkward and stilted. He's not a big talker at the best of times and it is clear he is nervous, unsure how to best navigate the task of casually conversing with you. But he really does try.

"Ellie mentioned an experiment you were talkin' about with your class," Joel mentioned shyly one night, keeping his eyes trained on the soup bowl before him. "So, uh, how's that all goin' along?"

You wedged a finger inbetween the pages of your book and slowly closed it. You glanced up at him and licked your dry lips.

Joel asked you a direct question about your teaching duty. He actually paid attention to what Ellie had said about you and asked a question like he gave a shit. For the first time ever.

"Oh. Yeah. It's going good," you replied, feeling weirdly formal in your response. "It's for the science component of our curriculum. I'll be demonstrating chemical reactions."

Joel nodded without looking at you and cleared his throat. "Well...if ya need anything, like materials 'n such...I could get some stuff from the lumber yard, or the pharmacy."

You are taken aback by this offer. He really is trying.

"Oh," is all you could blurt out.

"Just let me know," Joel murmured as he scraped his spoon around the bowl.

"Okay. Thank you, Joel." You replied politely.

Joel just nodded, still not looking at you although he could surely feel your gaze upon him. You took the opportunity to absorb his features and really study him; the mess of dark and silver curls of his hair - which is in need of a trim, you think - and the soft scruff of beard smattering along his jaw, the worn wrinkles of his handsome tanned face. He almost appears serene. In this moment Joel is soft again, unencumbered by the burden of whatever demons plague him, and you are struck by how beautiful he looks.

You hate yourself for the twinge of adoration that pulses inside your heart, an agonising reminder of just how profoundly he has imprinted upon you.

This is the Joel I loved, you thought to yourself. Why did he have to hide for so long?

Joel opened his mouth to say something more but you spoke swiftly, cutting him off. You had to get out of the room before you could no longer resist the random urge to caress his face and kiss his plush lips.

"I'm feeling a bit off, I'm going to bed," you quickly blabbered, hurriedly standing up from the table and rushing to the bedroom to get away from him.

Once in the bedroom you shut the door behind you and flopped onto the mattress. You tucked your knees up into your chest, wanting to make yourself as small as possible.

Sometimes you wished he was always cold and cruel. It would hurt so much less if he did not show you these glimpses of kindness, of the kind of man he could be.

You felt like it was the right time to confront Joel. Things had calmed down significantly and Joel's attitude had softened enough for you to feel confident enough to talk to him. You couldn't just accept whatever Joel said without atleast trying to dispute it. You no longer wanted to be that weak little thing who bowed down to anything he demanded. You wanted to be strong and powerful like Rhi, or vivacious and carefree like Kate. You wished to be like the protagonists in your favourite books - headstrong, resilient, fierce characters - who fought against oppression. Maybe it was time for you to try. And the first step to achieving such a thing would be summoning the courage to use your voice.

One night after dinner you approached Joel in the living room as he poured himself a shot of whiskey. You cleared your throat to capture his attention.

"Joel," you announced, "I need to talk to you."

"Hm," he hummed without looking at you, seemingly unbothered as he pushed the cap back into the glass decanter.

You took a sharp inhale to steady your nerves. You can do this. "The rules. They aren't going to work."

Joel turned to look at you then, his brows creased. "What?"

"It'll affect everything. Like my job, Joel," you tried your best to sound assertive. "If I have to be home straight after school, I can't liaise with the other teachers. That means I might not be able to effectively teach the kids."

Joel nodded slowly, like he could see the merit in your point. "Schedule a meetin' with 'em once a week and I'll allow ya an extra hour that day." He replied smoothly.

His solution was simple enough and it could work; you did not need much time to plan your lessons when you only taught part time. Thankfully Joel valued education and knew the importance of you being able to teach according to a proper curriculum. But when it came to the next issue of contention you weren't so sure he would understand its importance to you.

"A-and what about my friends?" You asked, slightly breathless. "How can I keep my friendships if I don't ever see them?"

Joel brought the glass in his hand up to his mouth and took a shot of the amber liquid, his eyes watching you the whole time. "Tell 'em you're livin' with me and got work to do at home. You don't need to be wastin' time with those girls anyway." Joel retorted with total indifference.

Vexation and irritation bubbled in your guts at his words. You balled your hands into tight fists and narrowed your eyes at Joel. Kate and Rhi had both shown up on your lunch break at work on different days, curious about where you'd been lately and if you were okay. You were convincing enough to make some excuse about being busy with your work load now you were filling in for Mrs. Thompson, but you felt terrible for lying.

This whole thing was beyond unreasonable, you wanted to yell. Once, in the not so distant past, you would have agreed to such conditions without dispute. You would have easily adhered to whatever conditions that would make Joel happy. But something had changed inside you. You were determined not to prioritise Joel's satisfaction over your own anymore. Not after the heartbreak he has put you through for so long.

"And if I tell them the truth?" You questioned him, voice wavering just a little.

"Oh yeah? And what truth is that?" Joel asked with barely disguised derision in his tone. He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side with an air of condescension. You hated the way he made you feel like a foolish little school girl who had been caught misbehaving.

"That...that I can't see them because you're forcing these conditions onto me." You squeaked, digging your fingernails into your palms. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, you internally admonished yourself. Stay calm. "That you're just trying to control me."

Joel clicked his tongue. "These conditions are consequences of your own actions, sweetheart. I ain't forcin' anythin' on you."

Your mouth fell open in disbelief. He had indirectly blackmailed you into staying with him to keep Oscar safe and Ellie happy. How could Joel possibly contend that he wasn't forcing these conditions onto you? Was he so deluded that he couldn't recognise how obsessive his need for control over you was?

"But...I-I didn't even do anything wrong! I don't want to live with these rules," you stammered and shook your head vehemently. "I can't. Joel, you're making me."

Joel set his glass onto the mantle above the fire place and then stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head gently. "Now you listen to me, sugar, cos I already explained this and I aint gonna do it again."

Joel spoke calmly, his tone smooth and authoritarian and so confident. It simultaneously scared you and irritated you. "Ain't no use fightin' about this. You're mine. Nothin' is gonna change that. And you need boundaries. So it's best for the both of us that you just accept it."

"But why do I need rules?" You bristled, fighting to resist stamping your foot like a petulant child. "I'm not a child, Joel, I'm a woman...and-and you can't treat me like I don't have a say in anything!"

"Havin' some rules in place keeps you from bein' around bad influences and it keeps us strong." He narrowed his eyes at you and concluded pointedly. "Help keep you faithful."

"Joel!" You snapped in exasperation. "I did not cheat on you! Not with Oscar, not with anybody! So just...just stop it!"

You hated the shrill edge to your voice but his obstinate resolution was starting to unravel your self control. Joel's expression darkened suddenly and he took a step toward you.

"Then why were you meetin' with him in secret like that?" Joel boomed, the dimple in his cheek visible for a brief moment. "Why were you hidin' that from me if you weren't fuckin' him?"

"I wasn't fucking him." You insisted with composed sincerity. "And our meetings weren't in secret. It was just the only time we were able to spend any time together."

You inwardly cringed at the sound of your own explanation, knowing full well that Joel would misinterpret your reasoning as still being deceptive. He scoffed and shook his head at you.

"I just didn't tell you, Joel," you said with a defeated sigh. "Because you wouldn't let us be friends if you knew. Because you hate any other man speaking to me, even when it is innocent."

You braced yourself for another argument and whatever insulting accusation Joel chose to throw at you next. You were already so exhausted by it all. You realised he will never be satisfied by your answers, will always succumb to the insecurity and distrust that plagues his heart. It pained your own heart to finally comprehend this, to become cognisant to the hopeless reality of this relationship.

But Joel didn't argue against this point. Instead, his shoulders slumped and he let out a heavy stuttering sigh, as if he was just as worn out as you were. Maybe he was.

"Why is he so special?" Joel lamented, his deep voice sounding hushed and wounded.

"Oh, Joel...I've been so miserable," you replied tiredly. You cupped your cheeks in your palms and sighed wearily. "And Oscar actually cared about me. He actually listened to me and tried to help me. That is what made him a good friend. That is why he is special."

"I didn't care for you? How could you say that?" Joel hissed indignantly, the evident pain in his sorrowful brown eyes actually making you feel an ounce of guilt. "All I've been doin' is care for you."

No! your mind suddenly screamed. You beat me with a belt and raped me!

"If you truly cared for me, you would have listened to me when I said stop or no." You responded softly. "You wouldn't have done what you did in the first place, Joel."

Joel's adams apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly. He opened his mouth as if to speak but just closed it again, seemingly lost for words. His silence encouraged you to challenge him further.

"Did you ever care enough to listen to me then?" You questioned him cooly.

"Thought we moved passed that," Joel muttered as he crossed his arms and looked away from you.

"You might have, but I haven't. And I don't think I ever will, Joel."

He was silent for a while, seemingly lost in his thoughts, his jaw ticking.

"How many times do I have to apologise?" Joel asked in a low, bitter tone. He rolled his eyes to look back at you and you could see the spark of aggravation in his orbs. "What else do I have to do to fix it?"

"You can't say sorry and expect me to forget everything you did to me!" You spat at him, dropping your hands from your face and clenching your fists once more. "That isn't how things work, Joel!"

"I know, alright?" He huffed. "I know."

You couldn't hold back the tears that were beginning to well in your eyes. You had held on for so long without crying, you stupid girl, you chastised yourself. The confrontation was slowly wearing you down, removing your armour bit by bit to expose the tender flesh of your emotions.

"So what do you want from me?" You asked dolefully, shrugging your shoulders in a weak gesture to indicate the hopelessness you felt. "To say I love you and act like nothing happened?"

Joel sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands, rough skin rasping over the scruff of his beard. He stared at you with forlorn hooded eyes and visibly gulped before he spoke.

"I don't know, alright? All I know is I love you," he whispered. "Just want you to love me, too."

Why did you wait so long? You wanted to scream in his face. Why did you hurt me so much and ruin everything?

"Joel," you murmured as you rubbed your temples with your fingertips. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't be keeping me here as a prisoner. You wouldn't be hurting me even more by doing this."

"I ain't hurtin' you - I'm protectin' what we have. I can't lose you." He took a step toward you and outstretched his big hand to you, imploring and supplicating. "I won't lose you."

You just stared at him and slowly shook your head, despondence and fatigue etched into your soft features.

"It's you I need protection from, Joel."

The impact of your words hit Joel like a knife being plunged into his chest cavity and piercing his heart. He took a step backward as his face contorted with hurt and shock, mouth falling open and eyes burning with betrayl. You had never seen him like that before - stung and vulnerable - and it genuinely surprised you to see him so perturbed.

This time, however, you didn't feel bad. You were speaking the truth - your truth.

The air in the room had suddenly become stifling, as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the space. Your eyes were locked on each other and you felt all the muscles in your body tense, prepared to face the onslaught of whatever Joel was going to do in response to what you had just said.

The moment seemed to last forever but then something appeared to click inside Joel's mind. There was a visible shift in his demeanour; the sadness within his eyes dissipated and the features of his face hardened back into its usual stoic scowl. You noticed his hands clench and unclench nervously by his sides.

"So you think I'm a monster or somethin'?" Joel growled. "Well I don't give a shit. I ain't gonna have you ruin our family over this bullshit, so you're gonna accept whatever I say and stop fightin' me on all this."

Ruin our family.

You closed your eyes for a second, the image of Ellie's smiling face flashing in your mind.

Oh, dear Ellie.

You opened your eyes once again and were met with the sight of Joel's morose face, with his mouth downturned and prominent bags under his eyes, looking every bit his age. You were truly struck by how unless this whole situation was; the pushing back, the arguing, the energy and emotions expended. You would never escape it.

"Okay," you said robotically, no hint of emotion in your voice. "Okay, Joel. I won't ruin our family. But I can't love you the way I did. I can't change that. So if I accept your conditions, you must accept mine."

Joel didn't bother responding to you. He just turned on the heel of his boots and stormed out of the bedroom, leaving you alone in the room with nothing but a somber silence in his wake.

You couldn't possibly guess that he didn't want to be near you in case you could see the tears forming in his eyes and begin to trickle down his cheek. He rubbed the corner of his eye with the back of his knuckle and willed himself not to cry.

The first time you walk down the main street of Jackson next to Joel seems surreal. You aren't even really sure why he insisted on walking with you this morning. His gloved hand clutches yours tightly as he leads you towards the school building where your teaching lesson is due to start soon. You struggle to maintain the pace Joel has set and you end up lagging slightly behind him, but his grip on your hand propels you forward through the thick snow covering the ground. You feel like a scolded child being reluctantly dragged along by her parent.

You don't even really care about who is out and around town to witness the unexpected sight of Joel Miller with a woman for the first time in his history of residing in Jackson. There is no sense of pride or joy in your heart at finally having Joel openly affirm your place in his life. You are not an equal partner, not a girlfriend or a wife; you are nothing more than property that he owns.

The grip of his thick fingers over yours solidifies this. Joel's hold is more like a warning than a gesture of affection; a caution for you to uphold a happy facade or else something could happen to you or Oscar, or perhaps even the both of you.

His hand swallowing yours serves to remind you that you are under his control, that it is Joel who protects, and that it is he who also bends you according to his will.

You turn your face upward to the sky. It is depressingly dull with dark grey clouds that appear heavy with the promise of rain. You like the rain and the nourishment it brings your garden, particularly in the spring, but spring seems impossibly far away right this minute. With the frosty air currently numbing your cheeks and splintering your lungs with each inhale you take, you feel like spring will never come. And perhaps it won't - perhaps your beloved plants and flowers will remain dead and suffocated under layers and layers of snow.

It is the kind of morning that makes you wish you were still snuggled in bed, safe and warm within a bundle of blankets and your favourite sweater. But you need to substitute for Mrs.Thompson today and you need to show up for the children who crave knowledge and who flourish under your tutelage. You need to fulfil this purpose no matter how defeated and dismal you truly feel.

You can always go back to bed after school, anyway, you reason to yourself. It's not like you'll be able to do anything otherwise. You can nap for a couple hours until you have to get food ready for the weekly family dinner tonight.

You almost trip over your own boots when Joel comes to an abrupt stop infront of the school.

"I'll see ya at home," Joel murmers before he presses a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth. You just nod, feeling slightly disorientated. He gives your hand one last squeeze before turning around to make his way toward the stables. You watch the back of Joel's tall, board figure stalk away and round the corner into the neighbouring street. Once he's disappeared from your view you let out a soft sigh and your tense shoulders immediately slump.

You feel exhausted but you manage to push through the day. That evening you prepare the dinner table for Ellie's and Joel's arrival around 7.30pm. You arrange the bowls and cutlery in the usual places, mindful to set the larger bowl where Joel always sits. You hear the front door open just as you sit a pot of steaming soup in the centre of the table.

You put on a smile and walk out of the dining room into the living room to greet them. But it's not just Ellie's light hearted lilt and Joel's drawl that you hear; there's another voice amidst their chatter. There's a shuffle of boots and clunking, then they trail into the living room, still talking amongst each other. Then you spot the third mystery person walking behind Joel and your heart skips a beat.

It's Tommy.

"Hey there, little lady," he beams at you when he sees you. His dark eyes twinkle and his soft smile is warm and genuine. He's just as gorgeous as his older brother, and you feel your cheeks blush.

"Hi, Tommy," you give him a polite, shy smile. "How are you?"

"I'm doin' fine, what about yourself? Smells mighty good in here."

You can feel Joel's eyes on you, watching the interaction, but you pretend not to notice.

"Yeah, what's on the menu?" Ellie playfully nudges you with her elbow. "I'm starving."

"You're always starvin'," Joel grunts as he pulls off his gloves. Ellie rolls her eyes and unwinds the scarf from around her neck.

"How you manage to put up with these two is a mystery to me," Tommy chuckles. He smooths over his thick moustache with his thumb and forefinger and you can't help but marvel at how large and thick his hand is, just like Joel's.

"Can Uncle Tommy stay for dinner?" Ellie asks, looking between you and Joel.

Similar to Ellie, there's something about Tommy that seems to soothe you, to inspire a carefree gaiety inside your soul. Tommy seemed to have that affect on people, you thought. He was also a good husband to Maria, a dedicated father to his children, and an overall devoted and fair leader of the community. You would love to have Tommy stay but you didn't want to seem too excited, lest Joel find your enthusiasm suspicious. So you just nod and say ofcourse.

"Well," Tommy murmers, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maria is visiting Mrs. Thompson with the boys this evenin'..."

"That settles that, then," Ellie slaps her hand on his shoulder. "What's that saying? The more the merrier, or some shit?"

Tommy barks out a laugh and gives Ellie's hair a playful tousle. You glance at Joel to gauge how he might be feeling; he seems impassive as eyes shift from you to his brother, but then he nods.

"Plenty to go 'round." Joel concedes. He tosses his gloves onto the mantle. "Ellie, go wash your hands first."

Ellie makes a fuss but follows Joel's orders and goes to the bathroom. You pop back into the kitchen to gather a bowl and cutlery for Tommy while the brothers take a seat at the table. You appear back in the dining room and place Tommy's bowl and spoon on the place mat infront of him.

"Thank you, ma'am," Tommy gives you another winning smile. "I appreciate your kindness."

You chuckle and sit down on the chair opposite Joel. "You're welcome, Tommy. It's nice to have you."

Joel remains silent and rigid as you abd Tommy exchange small talk. Once Ellie comes bounding back into the room you begin serving everyone their portion of lamb stew and buttery mashed potato.

Joel spends the whole of dinner quietly observing the interaction between you and Tommy, trying his best to appear dispassionate and unconcerned. He cannot help feeling envious of his brother for how effortlessly he's able to get you talking. You are still your normal bashful and feminine self, but you are different. You are more like you were when Joel first met you - more bubbly, a little more chatty, and so inquisitive. It is unnerving for him to witness.

Joel surreptitiously studies the way your mouth curls into a sweet little smile and the shy way you cover your mouth when you titter at something silly Tommy says. Joel cannot remember the last time he saw you so animated like this. The realisation makes him feel both resentful and sad. He should be the one making you giggle. He should be the one you ask questions to. He should be the one who incites you to speak about your work and aspirations with such gusto and passion.

When dinner is finished Tommy, ever the Southern gentleman, insists on helping you wash and dry the dishes. He stands at the sink with his hands submerged in the soapy water and washes the bowls and spoons and cups while you stand beside him with a dish towel to dry them. Ellie sits on the kitchen countertop and entertains you with stories from her days work at the barn, and the kitchen is soon filled with laughter.

Joel doesn't join in. He watches from the shadows of the hallway for a while, seething with jealousy, hating how harmonious and domestic the three of you look together. He's jealous of how naturally Tommy slots into sync with you and Ellie, but he's also disturbed because there's something familiar about the energy around the three of you. Then it clicks for Joel.

Sarah. It's because of her.

Because Joel is reminded of all the nights he ate dinner with his daughter during her time on this earth. He is reminded of them sitting together at the dinner table sharing stories and jokes, how her laughter brought him so much joy, how her killer smile could wash away all his tension and stress after a hard days work. He is reminded of all the times he fumbled around in the kitchen trying to conjure something palatable to eat. He remembers how she once went weeks refusing to eat anything but macaroni and cheese. He can even remember the first time he taught her how to properly cook a steak medium rare, and how they both groaned with satisfaction when they took the first bite of their meal.

Seeing you and Tommy in the kitchen reminded Joel of how he and Sarah would always do the dishes together. He would flick soapy water at her as she dried, making her squeal and threaten to dunk his head into the sink. They would laugh and jest - just like the three of you now - and Joel felt like that may have been some of the happiest times in his life.

But Sarah's voice was absent among the happy noise coming from this kitchen. And Joel himself is not part of it, either. The version of himself who could once revel in such carefree gaeity was dead. The man Joel was now didn't deserve to be happy, anyway.

He slunk further down the hallway and disappeared to go pour himself a drink.

•••••

Soon it is time to say goodnight. Ellie pulls you into a hug and thanks you for a delicious dinner. Tommy tips his head to you and smiles warmly.

"Thank you once again for dinner, darlin'. You're a damn good cook. Maybe you can give Maria a lesson one of these days," he chuckles and gives you a wink.

You giggle and absent-mindedly fidget with the cuff of your sweater. "You give me too much credit, Tommy."

"Oh, hush now. I give credit where credit is due," he declares. "My brother is a lucky man."

Tommy crosses over to where Joel stands impassively by the fire place with his arms crossed. He pats his brother's shoulder and they exchange some words about their next patrol shift then walks to the door. As he pulls his jacket on, he addresses you once last time.

"By the way, that paint you were lookin' for a while ago for that shelf - I found more of it in one of the sheds. I'll drop it off next week, that alright?"

"What?" You huff a little laugh, incredulous. "Tommy, that was ages ago. You actually remembered that?"

Tommy nods. "Yeah, sure. I know how much it meant to ya."

"Thank you, really. Thank you so much."

Joel can see how touched you are by whatever Tommy's done for you, your surprise and gratitude evident in the blush of your cheeks and the girlish way you clasp your hands together. He knows Tommy is just being Tommy, that his brother isn't purposely laying on the charm to make him jealous. But it doesn't stop the bitter wrath prickling at the nape of his neck.

"Come on Ellie, I'll walk ya," Tommy beckons the girl with a jerk of his head. Ellie gives you another quick hug and they both bid you and Joel a final goodnight before they trudge out of the door.

A heavy silence falls upon the house once the pair have left. You have already plopped onto the couch with one of your books, settling in for another night of barely talking to him in favour of whatever adventure is happening in your story.

Joel remains standing at the fireplace watching the flames dance, tossing up whether it is worth asking about. He wishes it didn't bother him, wishes he could give less of a shit that his younger brother can make you smile so easily. He tries to drown the angst and curiousity swirling inside his belly, telling himself it doesn't matter, to just forget it, but he can't. He so desperately wants to provide for you, to be the only man you rely on to fulfil your needs and wants, to keep you protected from the harsh world and the people in it. It makes him feel like a failure to know that another man fulfilled one of your wishes, even if it was his own brother, even if it was something as simple as paint and a fucking shelf.

"What's that shelf Tommy was talkin' about?" Joel finally breaks the silence.

You look up from the novel splayed infront of your face and frown. "Huh?" It takes a second for you to register what he's talking about. "Oh. The paint?"

Joel nods once.

You give a little shrug. "There's a book shelf at school that I really love. One day I mentioned to Maria that I wished I could paint it a particular colour. This pretty kind of teal shade that I have always loved, since I was a kid."

Joel notices the flash of sadness pass over your eyes at the mention of your childhood.

"Anyway, she told Tommy. He came to the school to ask how he could help." You sigh softly. "It was a long time ago now, but he remembered."

It pains Joel even more to recognise that this is the most you have spoken to him since that big argument. He clears his throat and looks at you with doleful eyes.

"Why didn't you ever mention that to me?" He asks gently. "'Bout the shelf, or the paint?"

You stare at Joel and cock your eyebrow quizzically. "You're actually asking me this, Joel?"

Joel frowns and turns his body to face you directly. "Yeah, I am. Why did my brother know about it and I didn't?" He knows he sounds pathetic, childish. He hates himself for it, but he cannot stop himself.

"Joel," you almost seem to groan. "I don't want to talk about all this again."

"I wanna know," Joel says with conviction.

You close your book and toss it next to you on the couch. You glare up at him. "When did you ever care what I had to say, Joel? When did you ever want to hear about something like a random book shelf at my work?"

Joel doesn't have an answer. He just stares at you, ashamed and lost for words.

"Your brother knew because he was interested enough to ask," you snap. "I'm a person too, you know, Joel."

"What?" He mumbles in confusion.

"I'm a person," you repeat the words slowly, bitingly. "I'm not just your toy, or your maid, or whatever."

"I know," he whispers.

"You don't even know anything about me," you whisper back despondently.

"Ofcourse I do," Joel scowls.

You just shake your head and sniff, sounding like your sinus is clogged with unshed tears. You turn your head away from him and stare at the hardwood floor in gloomy silence. For what seems like several minutes the only sound within the room comes from the quiet cracklingly of the fire. It is soothing in a way, along with the cosy warmth it emits, and you find yourself being lulled to sleep on the couch. Just as your eyelids flutter shut Joel's voice cuts through the peace.

"Forget Me Not."

Sleepiness has made your mind sluggish and you don't quite understand what he has said. You blink slowly and scrub at one eye with your fist.

"...What?" You mumble.

"The flower. It's your favourite."

You don't respond or even look at Joel but your heartbeat picks up speed. How did he even know what your favourite flower is? You don't recall ever telling him.

"You like green tea best in the mornin'," Joel utters. "Peppermint at night."

He is right, but you still don't say anything in return.

"Your momma used to tie ribbons in your hair when you were a little girl," Joel states softly, his expressive brown orbs roaming all over your fragile form. "'S why you like to wear 'em still."

Joel's intention was to prove how intimately he knows you, but in reality his words spark something vicious and defensive inside your soul. You pull yourself up from the couch and snatch your book up.

"I don't want to hear this!" You growl at him. "Just leave me alone!"

Joel strides over to you and blocks your escape into the hallway. He looks down at you, sober and resolute. "I know you better than you think, babydoll."

"I said leave me alone," you snap, glowering up at him. You shove at his chest but his body stays solid and unmoving, far too powerful for your small hands to have any impact upon.

"I'll never leave you alone," Joel snaps back. "And from now on, you need anythin', you come to me and me only. I'm the only person you rely on, you understand? Not Tommy, not anybody. Just me."

You scoff contemptuously and try again to shove past him. "Yeah, sure Joel, whatever you say."

"Better watch that smart mouth," he growls, but still steps aside to let you pass by into the hallway. You quickly ascend the stairs and Joel follows close behind you. You cross the landing and make your way to the bathroom, but just as you turn the door knob Joel swiftly wraps his hand around your wrist. He pulls you back into the hall and stands directly infront of your line of vision, determined for you to see and hear him.

"I mean it," he grunts. "I'm the only one you need."

"I don't need you, Joel," you hiss at him. "And I don't want you, Joel, not this cruel man you've proven yourself to be. I will never be happy with you again."

An uncontrollable, primal fury surges through Joel and he suddenly smashes his fist into the wall next to your head, busting a hole into the drywall and sprinkling plaster debris over the rug. You scream and scurry into the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it behind you.

Joel grits his teeth as he flexes his hand, the split skin of his knuckles already bloody and smarting. He heaves rapid breaths through his clenched teeth, his chest expanding with each inhale.

He hears you sobbing heavily through the wall and the woeful noise is enough to shatter through the bubble of animalistic wrath blinding him. Fuck, now you are terrified and crying. Again.

Joel growls and descends the stair case to go to the kitchen and clean his hand. He turns on the cold water and runs his knuckles under the stream.

It isn't his fault, he tells himself. You goaded him and had to fucking talk back.

He dabs at the blood with one of the dish rags and watches a red stain bloom on the soft yellow material. He grumbles and cleans the powdered drywall from his skin.

He'll let you cry it out. You won't have such a smart mouth after that, he's sure.

Joel finishes cleaning up the back of his hand and dries it with a dish towel, unbothered by the familiar sting of freshly sliced skin.

All he wanted to do was provide for you and take care of you, but you had to ruin everything.

Joel swaggered into the loungeroom and grabbed the decanter of whiskey from the mantle. He was going to get shit faced and knock himself out. He wanted to forget the hateful ferocity of your words. The grief for what he has ruined. The mourning of what could have been. And most of all, the unbearable absence of his daughter Sarah.

Joel had laid down the law of his house without any room for compromise. It had been so long overdue, after all. His rules are straight forward and fairly simple, uncomplicated in their shared objective to isolate you from everyone else, especially Oscar.

In his mind Joel is justified in drastically limiting your freedoms. He had made the mistake of allowing you too much independence, of granting you too much trust, only for him to catch you in the arms of another man.

Joel had always liked seeing you scared; he took pleasure in your wide panicked eyes, how your hands trembled, how you begged so helplessly. Your fear excited him and made him feel powerful. But the choked sob you let out when Joel threatened to kill Oscar had only infuriated him. He found no satisfaction in your reaction, only anger.

He was angry because of the agonising realisation had dawned upon him so abruptly at that moment - the reality that he was no longer the only person that resided in your precious heart. How had Oscar infiltrated your bubble of introversion so quickly? What made you choose to accept him into your heart?

Oscar talked with you, you had argued pathetically. So what? Joel was well known for his distaste of conversing more than the bare minimum of what was considered good etiquette. But he could talk to you, properly and intellectually, if that's what you really fucking wanted. But that didn't matter so much right now. What mattered was Joel retaining control over your relationship and keeping Oscar the fuck away from you.

He should've never listened to Tommy and his bullshit psychology - he and his bitch of a wife were so different to you and Joel, their connection no where near as deep and profound as what you two shared. No words could adequately describe just how special that binding tie was. No one else could understand.

Tommy had been wrong. Oh so wrong. Being tender and patient with you hadn't worked - you had still sought out Oscar for your emotional needs while denying Joel any kind of deeper intimacy. What was the point of trying to be gentle and not hurt you when you had hurt him so badly? Nothing Joel did seemed to help make you happy. You were never satisfied.

He has given you so much of himself. Parts he did not know still existed inside his black heart, pieces of him that he thought had been strangled the moment Sarah had died in his arms. He has shown you so much vulnerability, shared sacred parts of his soul and a depth of intimacy that he has never revealed to anyone before. He had offered you his love and protection.

Joel has given you so much and yet you make him feel as though it is not good enough. As though he is not good enough, that he is inferior to someone like Oscar, or his brother Tommy. You have made him feel pathetic and weak. You have made him feel out of control, something that he has not experienced for a very, very long time.

It scares Joel to his core.

The longer he thought about it, the more irritated Joel was becoming. Just what the hell was it going to take for you to stop moping and forget about Oscar? What was it going to take for you to just accept your fate and get over everything? What more could you possibly expect of Joel? Why couldn't you and he start over again, go back to the way things used to be? When you were so sweet and meek, just his good little girl.

Amidst the rejection and aggravation and betrayl was something else stirring inside Joel; something more venomous, more baleful than anything he had ever associated you with. It was an emotion that Joel was very familiar with, one that had enabled him to endure and survive for so long in a world gone to hell.

Hatred.

Hatred for you for all that you had taken from him just to throw back in his face. For you to yell at him that you don't need him, that you don't want him.

Hatred for your selfishness and insolence.

Hatred for you giving him so much pleasure and kindness only for you to retreat and withhold from him completely.

It made Joel want to hurt you in any way he could, to thieve every last bit of dignity and autonomy from you, to show you just who the fuck you were dealing with. He was Joel Miller, after all, and you had no idea just what he was capable of.

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