#the place it literally went i don’t feel such petty emotions that you humans feels

[seokjinnieb]

murderbot is officially my comfort character

#murderbot #i’m gen - i did not expect to like this novel so much but omg #omfg #murderbot is me literally #the place it literally went i don’t feel such petty emotions that you humans feels #i felt that on a deep level #i am def binge reading everything in the series now #all systems red #murderbot diaries

[thesunicarusfellfor]

WAIT WAIT— what if 👀 what if Yandere!Tubbo and Yandere!Tommy falling for the reader at the same time

BROO— THE ANGST POSSIBILITIES

ooooooOOOOO DAMN this one is gonna be good! I love the way you think! So I wrote this as headcanons, but I will write this as an actual story if requested. ^^

This is not exactly implied romantic??? I'm still scared about writing their characters as directly romantic????? I'll probably get braver about it but still lowkey worried.

Yandere!C!Tommy x GN!Reader x Yandere!C!Tubbo Headcanon/Fic

Tommy, at first, completely denied even acknowledging your existence.

Until he saw someone interact with you.

Then he would start pulling out his sword or glaring at them from across the room.

He would definitely pin them in an alleyway and threaten every single one of their canon lives.

Tommy, please. Niki was just trying to give you cookies.

He's the kind of Yandere that would greatly keep his distance both physically, emotionally and mentally. Basically, he would be a Tsundere Yandere.

Tubbo, on the other hand, would be extremely sweet to you.

Need netherite? He had an extra few ingots ready in his pockets!

Interacting with someone who wasn't him? Was he not good enough for you??? Fine. You don't deserve him.

He would cry to you and make you feel guilty OR completely ignore you for a week straight until you come crawling back to him and apologizing.

Straight up can flip emotions like a switch.

The first time either of them realized the other liked you as well, was when they were listening to Mellohi on their bench, watching the sunset when they saw you having a conversation with Ranboo at the bottom of the cliff.

"What're they doing talking to him?" Tommy growled lowly and leaned forward to glared at the enderman who was talking to you. He reached for his bow n' arrow before Tubbo grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks, "What? I don't want them talking to anyone but me."

"What do you mean 'anyone but you'?! You avoid them like they're a virus!" Tubbo stared at him, digging his fingers into Tommy's bicep a small bit to show his anger a bit more, "They should only be talking to me."

The blond turned towards his brunet friend and yanked his arm out of his grasp, "Excuse me?" He glared into Tubbo's dull blue eyes, gritting his teeth, "You do nothing but give them stuff!"

"And you treat them like shit and avoid them!" The smaller of the two retorted angrily, trying to keep his tone level enough to where you didn't hear.

Mellohi, the music that had been playing mere moments ago, slowly came to a stop and left nothing but silence and tension in the air. You had noticed them arguing from below, but Ranboo (who had heard their entire argument) decided to pull you away from them and bring you to the Tundra.

"Are you trying to take everything from me?!" Tommy tightened his grip on his diamond sword, although part of him knew that if Tubbo equipped his netherite armour, there would be absolutely no competition whatsoever.

"Take things from you?! They're a human being and you choose to ignore that fact when you ignore them or call them terrible names!"

"I treat everyone like that! You already have Ranboo, I don't understand why you're chasing after them with hearts in your eyes when you're fuckin' married! Loyal much! Oh wait, you aren't loyal, you EXILED ME!"

"It's platonic! I told you that already! And you're starting this again now, Tommy?!"

Ranboo actually felt nervous leaving you alone around both Tommy AND/OR Tubbo after hearing their entire argument that day.

Tommy, although now a lot nicer, became extremely clingy towards you and constantly would walk over and drag you away mid-conversation with anyone that wasn't him. ESPECIALLY if you were talking to Tubbo.

Man would bring you everywhere with him if you would let him.

Netherite mining? Get your pick.

To get new discs? Pack your bags, we're going on an adventure.

Straight up does everything he can do to get you away from Tubbo because he's petty.

He tried giving you as many gifts as Tubbo, but mans is broke.

Tubbo would get extremely annoyed by Tommy even just walking through the area when he was with you.

Would start to hold your hand or link arms with you (if you're comfortable), just so Tommy couldn't pull you away as easily.

Started to try guilt-tripping you into living in Snowchester, and even tried to get you to live in the mansion.

Ranboo actually lied to Tubbo, saying he was scared of enderwalking and hurting you, to convince Tubbo not to guilt-trip you further into living in the mansion.

Tubbo's constant gift-giving got so much more extreme.

Want netherite ingots to make armour?

Nope. No lifting a finger.

He already made you fully enchanted netherite god armour anyway.

Has definitely tried to convince Ranboo to let him involve you in the platonic marriage.

"Ranboo! My beloved!" Tubbo called jokingly, walking into their home. He kicked the snow on his boots before pulling down his hood and taking off his hat, hanging it on the hook as he took off his footwear, "I have a proposition for you!"

The monochrome-coloured man lifted his head and set down the journal in his hand, the ink likely still wet judging by the quill in his hand, "Yeah? What's that?" He placed the feathered pen in the pot of ink and turned to face his platonic husband.

"What would you say to extending our marriage to three people? Like a polyamorous relationship. Like Sapnap, Karl and Big Q?" Tubbo sat down in the chair beside him, watching as Ranboo was left reeling for a few seconds.

"W-well, one, I think you mean expanding. Two, with who?!" The tall male sat up quickly, bumping his leg on the table from his minor flailing, "A-and, and, what about Michael? Are you sure they can be trusted with him?"

Tubbo held out his hand to calm his friend down, making his friend put his hands down so he didn't accidentally hit something, "You know what I meant, and (Y/n)! Y'know... Like, the one with (h/l) (h/c) hair, (tall/short)! (Y/n), them!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know who they are, it's just..." He paused to gather his words, glancing away from his friend. In all reality, he wouldn't mind inviting you into the platonic marriage, even if he knew Tubbo felt more romantic feelings towards you. He didn't shut up about it. It was the fact that he was worried about what kind of mental manipulation Tubbo would do to you if you did agree to be in the marriage. Or even what Tommy would do to you or Tubbo!

"...Just?"

'Your relationship with Tommy is beyond screwed already... Imagine what would happen if both of his friends left him to be in a platonic relationship with me. Tubbo, all of us would be in severe danger.' He thought silently before taking a breath. "I-I don't have my enderwalking state under control... I'm already scared for Michael enough, and I don't want to hurt her as well... Give it some time and we'll see. Please.." He whispered, lying through his teeth. Ranboo knew you were damn good at protecting yourself and could knock his long and lanky ass to the dirt within seconds.

Tubbo's bright shiny eyes seemed to glaze over for a moment as his smile began to falter, "Ah... Yeah. I guess that makes sense. For their safety I suppose." His normal look returned and he gave him a smile, "Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. I'll ask again next month to see what happens."

"What... What about Tommy-"

"What about him?" He demanded sharply, his smile vanishing in mere seconds which caught Ranboo off guard yet again, "He doesn't need to be in their life. He would do more harm to them than good!"

Ranboo was left gaping, his mouth moving but not creating any sounds. He watched as Tubbo eyed him carefully before he got up, murmuring something about grabbing food then going to bed.

Once the goat hybrid was completely out of sight, Ranboo reached for his memory book and took the quill again.

'Protect (Y/n) from Tubbo and Tommy. Get them out of DreamSMP.'

Ranboo was scared for you.

He was stuck watching as these crazy two men fought over you, threatened you, manipulated you... It was worrying, to say the least.

Don't get him wrong. If he didn't have an adopted son, a platonic husband that he still cared about despite him being another Dream at this point, and a Syndicate to protect him from, he would've packed everything and ran, bringing you with him.

He was practically walking on eggshells around this man that he had once been extremely close to!

It practically sent shivers down his spine...

Eventually, it got to the point where Ranboo had gone to your house in the ungodly hours of the morning to talk to you.

This man LITERALLY crept into Tubbo's room AND Tommy's house to make sure they were both asleep before going to talk to you.

"Ran... Boo?" You asked, yawning softly as you leaned against the door, your hair all frizzy and messed up, "What's up? It'sssss... Like 5:30am. The sun is barely even up..."

"(Y/n)... Can we go inside? Please... There's something very wrong.." He murmured softly, his memory book tightly held in his grasp as he glanced around. Tommy could be waking up sometime soon, and he did not want to get caught talking to you. He would certainly be down a canon life before he could even say 'sorry'.

You watched the nervous man in front of you and nodded before stepping aside to let him in. Peaking outside, you looked around for what was causing him to panic but went back inside once you didn't see anything. "What's wrong?" Softening your tone, you gestured for him to sit at the table while you made coffee.

Once he had a fresh mug of coffee in front of him, Ranboo slowly began to gather his nerve and speak. He told you everything he could remember, and even opened his memory book to tell you about the things he didn't remember. Everything from the fight where Tommy and Tubbo's friendship completely went downhill a few months ago, to the threats Tubbo used against Tommy, the manipulation against you, the threats he had received by talking to you, and even Tubbo's violent mood switches when talking about you or Tommy.

The entire time, you just sat there wide-eyed as you listened to him ramble on about his fears and worries, and everything in between. He even mentioned wanting to actually divorce Tubbo because of how scared he was for you and his own life. "I don't... Not... Believe you... But this is- this is a little difficult to believe." You knew the enderman hybrid wouldn't lie about something so serious, and he definitely wouldn't be shaking like a leaf if it was a joke or a lie.

"Y-yeah, I expected that... But I really do care about your safety, honestly. You know I wouldn't joke about this kind of thing, especially about Tubbo." He murmured softly, looking at his crown laying on the table in front of him, "In all honesty, I came here this early because I was scared about Tommy trying to kill me if he saw me talking to you..."

"He wouldn't ki-"

The door slammed open dramatically and there was a cheerful shout of your name, "(Y/n)!!! Let's go mining for diamon-" Tommy walked into your kitchen, only to freeze mid-step and midfacial expression. His expression went from surprised to annoyance to a grim smile, "Hello Ranboo!" He gave him a smile that was more like baring his teeth as he twirled his axe nonchalantly.

He was going to hurt him...

#tommyinnit #tommyinnit x reader #dream smp x reader #yandere tommyinnit #yandere tommyinnit x reader #yandere tubbo x reader #yandere tubbo #ranboo #ranboolive #dsmp #tommyinnit dreamsmp #tubbo dreamsmp #ranboo dream smp #tommyinnit dream smp #tubbo dream smp #c!tommyinnit #c!tommy #c!tubbo #c!ranboo

[the-cult-of-russo]

Biggest regret (part 3)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

A/N: So many of you guys love this story and I love it. Thank you guys 😊

So this one really went off on a tangent and it's longer than I thought. But I didn't wanna rush this and I'm enjoying this story. So he doesn't meet his kid yet, that's in the next part that I'm writing right now. Then there will be another part that I've got in mind too.

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness, fluff kinda, emotional Billy.

-----------

Delilah cooed happily where she was perched in a little rocker seat. It was vibrant pinks and yellows with a bar along the top and little stuffed animal shapes dangling off it that she swatted with her chubby hands. 

You were cleaning. Stress cleaning to be precise. Ever since you got that letter from Billy you'd felt out of sorts. You really hadn't expected it. You'd spent the better half of the start of your pregnancy thinking he'd come to his senses. That he'd turn up and say sorry or even call or text. But by the end of the pregnancy you realised you'd asked too much of him. That maybe you didn't know him as well as you thought. 

It had been a bitter pill to swallow having him just walk out of your lives like that. Your pregnancy hadn't been easy by any means and that only made it harder. You had no family, no real friends. You'd been completely alone. Every time you ended up at hospital the nurses took pity on you. Seeing you so sick with no visitors or help. It had been hard. 

Since Delilah could return home, one of your neighbours in your complex had taken to helping you. Louise was a woman in her 60s and before now you'd only ever seen her in passing with a murmured hello. But seeing you struggle as a single mother, she'd taken you under her wing and helped you immensely. 

You had to work from home since you had the baby. The time off with unpaid maternity leave when she was born and was sick had set you back quite a bit and now you were struggling. You'd had to leave your job since there was no way you could do it from home and you didn't have child care or the money to do it. And honestly, after having Delilah, the overwhelming urge to keep her safe was shocking. You didn't really want to leave her with someone you didn't know. It had been hard for you to agree to it with Louise who would occasionally have her for an hour or two so you could catch a break. And she was literally only next door which eased your mind a little. 

Now you were doing proofreading and transcription work from home and it didn't exactly pay great. You got by though and you made do with what you had. You just didn't expect things to go this way. You still remember when you found out you were pregnant and told Billy. It had been a huge shock to you and despite the nagging feeling that this was how it would end, you stupidly hoped it would be different. 

~

You sat on the bed, the test in your hands as the two pink lines glared at you. You were pregnant. You had a baby in your belly. You felt like you couldn't breathe. You and Billy weren't even super serious. There were feelings involved but neither of you mentioned it. Opting instead to pretend they weren't there. You were scared if you told him you loved him that he'd run for the hills and he was scared of feeling anything at all. 

You'd been 'together' for nearly two years. You weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend, there were no labels slapped on you both. But everyone knew you were his and he was yours and it worked just fine. But now there was a baby. Now things got serious way quicker than you expected and you were terrified. 

You weren't ready to be a mom. You'd never put much thought into having kids and you didn't know how to be a mother. You'd have a tiny human that depended on you to keep them safe and loved. How the fuck would you manage that? And then there was Billy. You'd have to tell him and you felt sick with worry about how he would react. 

You knew about his childhood, you knew pretty much everything about each other. He'd never known love as a child and you hoped that would mean it would force him to want to be there and be a good dad. But you knew him well enough to have the worry that it would have the opposite effect and he'd freak out. 

He'd been at work and you'd been at his place. You didn't live with him, you still had your own place. But you stayed there most nights or he would be at yours. You never spent a night away from each other. 

You heard the front door open and close and you felt a wave of dread settle over you. Like an ice cold blanket snaking around your entire body as it squeezed. You had to tell him. You had to hope he would be okay with this. You knew you'd keep the baby regardless. Despite only knowing for literal minutes, you cared about this baby. This baby was a piece of you and a piece of Billy. There was no way you couldn't keep them.

"Hey, sweetheart! I'm home!" You heard him call from the living room. You swallowed thickly as you stood on shaky legs, stuffing the test in the pocket of your hoodie. You made your way to the living room as he shucked off his jacket. He looked handsome as always and he flashed you a warm smile when he saw you. But it fell when he took in your anxiety induced state.

"What's wrong?" He asked carefully, black eyes scanning over you like he was checking if you were hurt. Your throat tightened as you felt your eyes prickle and you willed the tears away. 

"Uh… you should sit down. We need to talk," you murmured softly. He frowned, tilting his head as he regarded you.

"Sounds ominous," he replied dryly. He complied though and moved to sit on the sofa. You opted to stay standing near the coffee table.

Your whole body felt like it was shaking and you felt in your bones that this was the moment where everything would change. Either for better or worse, but change was coming and it hurt your heart. You needed to just tell him, get it over with. You inhaled a shaky breath as you looked at him. His face was etched in concern and he was patient with you, watching all the emotions pass over your face.

"I'm pregnant," you blurted, grabbing the test from your pocket and handing it to him. His eyes almost popped out of his head and he grabbed the test, staring at it. You couldn't get a good read on his face other than the surprise and you didn't like that. He was staring at it hard and you knew he was deep in thought. That cold dread came back and sunk its claws into you. 

Suddenly, he tossed the test on the coffee table, springing out of his seat and moving around to the back of the couch like he wanted to get far away from you.

"No," he frowned. You blinked dumbly at him for a moment as your eyes burned.

"No?" You asked softly. His dark eyes pinned you in place then. For a brief moment you saw utter pain and complete panic, eyes glassy with unshed tears. But then all emotion left his face, left his eyes, and it felt like a punch to the gut. You'd seen that look on his face before but never directed at you. 

"I'm not… I can't do this. I don't want a kid," he said coldly. The lump in your throat got bigger as you nodded. What else could you say? You could cry and scream and fight but what was the use? Part of you expected this although you hoped for something else. You couldn't force him to stick around. If he wanted out then you had no choice but to let him. 

You felt tears slip down your face as you glared at the floor, lower lip quivering. You couldn't look at him. The pain you felt was unbearable. Pain for yourself for losing him, pain at how cold he was being, and pain for your baby for having a dad that didn't want them. Did Billy even realise he was continuing the cycle of his own upbringing? 

You felt his eyes burning into you but you couldn't look. You had so many things you wanted to say but they all caught on the lump in your throat. Without a word, he grabbed his jacket and left, slamming his door behind him so loud you jumped. You sobbed then, moving to curl up on the sofa as you let it all out. He was gone. You'd have to do this all alone and you missed him already despite him leaving you like this. 

You were unsure of how long you lay on his sofa sobbing your heart out until your phone chimed with a message. Stupidly you thought it was Billy saying sorry. It was Billy, but he definitely wasn't apologising.

'I'll be back in two hours. Pack all your shit and be gone before I get home. Don't contact me again.' 

You felt a surge of anger and bitterness seep into you then. You thought he'd cared. Never had he told you how he felt about you but he acted like he cared. Introduced you to the Castle's, his family. But clearly you were wrong. His message was loud and clear. You didn't respond, there was no need. He wanted to never hear from you again and that was fine. You packed anything of yours and left within an hour, your heart heavy with pain, hurt and anger. 

~

When you got his letter, at first you were angry. You wanted to be petty. Wanted to ignore it or send him one back telling him to go fuck himself. But you'd looked at your daughter then with her sweet smile and her dad's eyes and you couldn't. Because despite what he'd done, she deserved her dad. 

You hadn't responded to the letter right away. Two weeks you kept reading it and coming to terms with all the emotions it brought you. You knew you still cared about him even after what he'd done. You couldn't help it. But his letter sounded so sincere and the self loathing in his words tugged at your heart. He'd fucked up big time, but he was trying to fix it. Billy was a proud man and you knew it took him a lot to reach out to you. You wanted Delilah to get to know her dad and wanted her to have a relationship with him. 

You had a lot to work through and you and Billy would need some serious talks to be able to co-parent properly, but you'd do it for Delilah. There wasn't a thing in the world you wouldn't do for that girl. 

So you'd replied and now you've been waiting for his call. You were full of nerves and you could taste the emotions lingering from the day he left in the back of your throat. You felt like you were in some kind of limbo. 

After stress cleaning for a bit and looking after Delilah, you sat on the sofa with the TV on low as she snoozed in her little seat. You felt lucky she was such a chill baby. The pregnancy and birth had been harder to deal with and you thought having her would be difficult but it hadn't been that hard for you. Louise kept telling you that you had natural maternal instincts and that you'd picked it up easily. 

You tried to pay attention to the screen when your phone buzzed from your pocket. Your heart skipped a beat as you got it out. It was a number you didn't recognise and your breath started coming in shorter because you knew just who it would be.

"Hello?" Your voice shook a little as you answered and you heard a soft sigh on the other end. 

"Hey, Y/N, it's Billy," his voice was smooth like always but it sounded off. A little raw. 

"You got my letter then," you murmured. You rolled your eyes at yourself for stating the obvious but you didn't know what else to say. Never had it been so stilted and awkward to talk to Billy. 

"Yeah… and I know you asked me to really think about it, so I did. And I wanna be there. I'd like to… I'd like to meet her if I can," he sounded apprehensive and you wondered if he thought that you'd reject him even after telling him in the letter you wanted them to meet. 

"Okay… I'd like to meet up with you first. We have a lot to talk about that needs dealing with before you meet her," you said firmly. This you wouldn't budge on. There was a lot of unresolved tension and feelings around you both and one quick meeting with him wouldn't fix that, but you wanted to clear some air before he came to meet Delilah so it wasn't completely tense. You also wanted to make sure he really was 100% with this or you wouldn't allow it to happen. You wouldn't let her get hurt. 

"Yeah, I'll do… anything you need. Whatever you want," he answered quickly. You nodded even though he couldn't see it, happy that he wasn't fighting you on it. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to take this seriously which was good.

"Right… uh… I can… I can meet you today. The diner down the street from my place? About 6pm?" You asked softly. You heard him sniffle a bit down the phone and you started to wonder if he'd come up with an excuse about work. You knew he worked late a lot. 

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll be there," he said resolutely. This was a good start already.

"I'll see you then, bye Billy," you murmured. 

"Bye, Y/N," he replied softly. You hung up and blew out a breath, your shaking hands gripping your phone. You hadn't heard his voice in over a year and it had your heart hammering away against your ribcage. You still loved him but the love was tainted with pain and betrayal. You'd have to stuff it down for the sake of your daughter. 

You didn't bother to change out of your jeans, boots, tee and hoodie and after asking Louise if she could look after Delilah for a bit, you set off out. You'd told Louise everything. She already knew what happened with Billy and you'd even let her read his letter. While she wasn't happy he'd walked away in the first place, she was happy he was trying to step up now. You were glad she was supporting you with this. 

You got to the diner five minutes early and fully expected to have to wait. But when you got inside, Billy was already sitting in a booth. He looked shit scared and his fingers drummed on the table restlessly. As you approached, his head snapped up. So many emotions crossed his face as he looked at you that you couldn't keep up with them. But when it settled on heartbreak you felt your own squeeze painfully in your chest. 

He stood up as you got to the table and there was an awkward moment where you both looked at each other. He looked tired. He had dark rings around his eyes and his usually perfect hair was a little dishevelled. He had on casual clothes and his leather jacket. He took a step closer like he was going to hug you and you stepped back without thinking. His face fell a little and he nodded, the movement stiff but he seemed to understand you weren't ready for it. 

He moved to sit down and you sat opposite him. It was so tense you could cut the air with a knife and you didn't even know where to start. The waitress came over then and gave you both a bright smile and you both ordered coffee. Once she was gone the tense atmosphere was back.

"I'm sorry," Billy muttered brokenly. Your eyes looked up at him then and he was staring at you with shiny eyes. Your throat constricted and you cleared it.

"Billy-" you started with a frown. He cut you off though.

"I know… I know I'm the biggest asshole out there. I don't deserve you sittin' here or givin' me a chance. But I want you to know that… I thought about you and the baby… Delilah… every damn day. And I-I hated myself for walkin' away. And I can't take back what did, but I can be better. I want to be better. And I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I left. But I'm serious when I say I wanna be here. You said I'm in or out and I want in. And I swear, I fuckin' swear that I'll prove to you I'm a better man," he said imploringly, leaning his forearms on the table as he watched you. 

You blinked at him, collecting your emotions as the waitress came over with the coffees. She didn't linger, sensing the heaviness of whatever was happening in your booth. 

"I'm glad you're here, Billy. And it's gonna take work for us to… to be okay around each other. But Delilah is the focus here and you deserve to have a relationship with her. You're her dad," you said softly. He sneered, not at you but himself, as he shook his head.

"No… no I'm not. I haven't been there. Sure she's mine, my DNA, my blood, but… I walked out. I left you, I left her and you both needed me. I'm not a dad, not yet. But I'll do whatever it takes to show you I'm worthy of bein' her dad," his voice shook yet was also firm and you knew in your heart he meant his words. It settled you a bit to know he really was serious about this. 

"I'll be honest… part of me expected to come here and you wouldn't be ready. That you were talking shit for whatever reason. But I believe you. I wish it hadn't taken this long but I'm glad you're here now, Billy. It's been… so fucking hard doing this alone," your hands were around your cup and you stared at them as you spoke, your voice quiet among the light buzz in the diner. 

You heard his breathing hitch and looked at him again. His fists were clenched and his head was lowered which made it hard to read his face. His whole body was tense and you were about to open your mouth to ask if he was okay when you noticed his shoulders shaking slightly. Oh. 

He sucked in a breath as a broken sob left his lips and it ripped a hole right through your chest. Now matter what he'd done, seeing him this way was jarring. You'd seen many sides to Mr Billy Russo and you'd even seen him cry before. But he looked so worn down and broken and it hurt you even if it was his own fault. 

His elbows resting on the table, he brought his hands up and rested his head on them as he openly sobbed. You never thought you'd see the day that Lieutenant Russo cried in a public space but he seemed beyond caring. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you stood and moved to his side. You slid into the booth next to him as your own eyes welled up and you reached out a shaky hand to stroke the back of his neck. He tensed at first like he hadn't even noticed you'd moved which was startling given how perceptive he was about everything around him. But then he relaxed and moved his face from his hands and turned to look at you. Tears were streaming down his face and he looked younger and vulnerable. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck and he didn't hesitate to bury his face in your neck as his own arms held you tightly. You stroked his hair softly, trying to soothe him a little. You couldn't help it. Maybe it was that maternal instinct that always hated when someone was upset around you or maybe it was just the fact that no matter what happened, you did still care.

"It's okay, Billy," you whispered through your own tears. He shook his head where it was still pressed against your now damp neck.

"No it's not. I fucked up. I shoulda been there," his voice was muffled and broken with his soft sobs that were slowly easing and you held him a little tighter. 

"You did fuck up but you're here now and that's what matters," you murmured. You pulled away and he let you go reluctantly as he sniffled and looked down. You reached up and wiped his cheeks with your hoodie sleeves and then he looked at you. 

"We can't change the past, Billy. Yeah, you messed up, and yeah it hurt me. But you already missed out on so much and that's a punishment in itself. Things aren't gonna be easy and it'll take time for us to heal, but you're here now and Delilah needs you. That's what matters," you uttered, hands falling from his face. 

He sniffled again as he nodded, his obsidian gaze searching your face like he was looking for something. 

"I don't… I don't have the words because thank you doesn't even come close. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you helpin' me out and I don't deserve Delilah. I didn't really think I'd hear from you and now here you are, fuckin' comforting me in a diner when it should be the other way around," he lamented with a frown. 

"I don't like seeing you cry," you shrugged with a weak smile as your hands toyed with the sleeves of your hoodie. He gave you a small smile back as he nodded. A silence settled over you both then and it was slightly awkward. You knew he was probably embarrassed and also still beating himself up. Once upon a time you'd be glad to know how hard he was being on himself over this. But seeing him like this was painful. 

There were still a lot of things to sort through with the pair of you but they weren't the priority. The first and most important thing was him establishing a relationship with his daughter. You figured in time things would get easier with him and he seemed dead set on being here now. And you could see the genuine remorse for walking away so you knew he was serious. 

"I should go. But uh…" you murmured as you stood from the booth, Billy following suit. 

"You can… you can meet her tomorrow if you'd like? I could… I don't know, make dinner for us all? You could come by my place and meet her before dinner?" You suggested, voice laced with uncertainty. His face lit up then even with his slightly damp cheeks and shiny eyes. His smile was bright even if it was hesitant. 

"I'd really like that," he nodded as he gazed down at you. 

"Okay… good. Uh… come by around 5?" It still felt awkward between you and you hated it. It used to be so easy between the two of you. 

 "I will… thank you, Y/N," he murmured sincerely. You nodded and gave him a little smile. He stepped forward and this time you didn't step back. The hug didn't last long but it took you back to a time when things were good with the pair of you. Where you felt safe in his strong arms surrounded by his calming scent. It sent a pang through your chest. You hugged him back before he moved away and you gave him another nod before you left. 

By the time you were walking in your complex you had tears down your cheeks. It had been hard to see him after everything. Hard to see him such a mess too. You had that feeling, the same one you did the day you found out you were pregnant. That things were changing, this was a turning point. Only this time it was a good one. 

It was hard to wrap your head around after all this time that he'd be there. Of course there would be a period of adjustment where he got to know his daughter, but eventually he'd be parenting just like you. It was a strange feeling to comprehend that you wouldn't be alone in this anymore. 

Seeing him and speaking to him, it had eased some of the bitterness that you'd held for him. Not completely but quite a bit. You couldn't hold onto the anger and pain of the past, not when Delilah needed this. You'd never be able to go back and redo how things happened but you could close that chapter and start a new one. One where Billy was actually around and your daughter had a dad. Despite the nerves for the dinner the next day, you were also a little excited and hopeful. 

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #the punisher #billy russo imagine

[traincat]

I’ve been trying to piece together a few things from your Twitter and Tumblr posts alike and still can’t make heads or tales of things, so would you mind helping out a FF & spideytorch noob? 1) what is currently happening with Johnny in the comics? (I’ve fallen head over heels for this guy, largely all your doing) 2) when’s the last time he and Peter have interacted, canon wise? (And do you think upcoming interactions are likely?) 3) your thoughts on if they’ll have him come out in the near future? (has that ‘biggest change to the fantastic four’ teaser come to pass yet?) Love all your content, thank you!

I'd say no problem but then I started thinking about this current run again and got a headache. But yes, I can do that to save you from reading it, because it is very largely not good.

So I don't think it's unfair to just flat out say the current Fantastic Four run is not very good, largely due to writer Dan Slott's efforts. Slott was previously on Amazing Spider-Man for 10 years, to mixed opinions, but a large portion of Spider-Man fandom, myself included, blames him near singlehandedly for the decline in quality of Spider-Man books over those ten years. I will say, in the interest of fairness, that Slott as a writer has an incredible fondness for the Spider-Man/Human Torch relationship, and that a lot of the recent teamups and interactions between them have been written or co-written by him. So it's all not all negative here. But in general, I personally find Slott's more recent comics (the last seven-ish years especially) to be badly plotted out, messily characterized disasters that feature characters written with all the emotion of a cardboard cutout. That's me putting it nicely.

To explain this fully, you have to understand the position Fantastic Four comics were in from the years 2015 through 2018, both in the fictional 616 universe and in the real publishing world. Following the 2015 Secret Wars event (great if you want some Johnny angst in the background of your plot), the Fantastic Four were disbanded -- Reed, Sue, and their many biological and found family children were presumed dead but in reality were remaking the multiverse, unable, for a reason that was never clearly defined, to reach home. Ben and Johnny were left on Earth. They had an unspecified falling out, likely due to Reed and Sue's absence, and went their separate ways -- Ben joined the Guardians of the Galaxy and went to space. Johnny was featured on both Inhumans and Avengers books. What's notable about this period is that it's the first time since 1961 that there was no Fantastic Four book being published by Marvel. Now the real world reason behind this is both complicated and extremely petty: Marvel really wanted the Fantastic Four film rights. Marvel denied this explanation at the time, stating that the reason was sales motivated, but it was a thoroughly flimsy excuse and Jonathan Hickman, writer of 2015's Secret Wars and overseer of the current X-Men plot, gave an interview saying the decision was film rights motivated. This decision kept the Fantastic Four books off the shelves for three years, up until the Disney-Fox merger, which secured the X-Men and Fantastic Four rights for Disney's Marvel Studios. Marvel then announced that the Fantastic Four book would be returning. So that's a little bit of background as to the precarious place the Fantastic Four currently occupy in the Marvel universe -- it's worth noting that this year is their 60th anniversary, and Marvel has done very little for it. Compare this to the X-Men, whose film rights Marvel also obtained during the Disney-Fox merger, and whose books are currently dominating the publishing lineup. The Fantastic Four definitely occupy an unpopular position, one Marvel themselves is at least partially responsible for forcing them into.

But to move back into the actual content of the book -- the readjustment period Slott wrote reintroducing the Fantastic Four into the Marvel universe can be described as clumsy, at best. It's never fully explained why Reed, Sue, and the kids couldn't return to Earth, something that was explored in Chip Zdarsky's 2017 Marvel Two-in-One, which featured Ben, Johnny, and Doom on a multiversal roadtrip to try and find their family and which I on the whole recommend, despite it having an awkward ending due to being cut short by Slott's announced Fantastic Four main title.

(Marvel Two-in-One 2017 #4)

Instead, the Fantastic Four return to a Marvel universe a little different than how they left it, with the Baxter Building -- formerly the offices of Parker Industries, the company Doc Ock started in Peter's body during Superior Spider-Man that Peter inherited after his defeat and then lost spectacularly when he trashed his own company to fight nazis (good for him) -- occupied by a different fantastic foursome in a plot that goes nowhere and does nothing. This is somewhat emblematic of the early days of Slott's run -- he introduces ideas that fail to go anywhere, including Johnny's rekindled relationship with his other best friend and former college roommate, Wyatt Wingfoot, who he was seen being very cuddly with in the early issues.

(FF 2018 #1) A small group of Fantastic Four fans have argued for a while that if Marvel was to have Johnny come out, a relationship with Wyatt would feel very natural -- they're already close, with Wyatt being an important Fantastic Four supporting character since the '60s. I have some further analysis here on the conspiracy theory that Johnny and Wyatt were supposed to be in relationship at the beginning of this run but that that plot was, for whatever reason, nixed. I don't know that I entirely believe this theory, for the record -- but I do think the pieces line up remarkably well.

Anyway, that didn't/hasn't yet happened, obviously. Slott instead for the most part put Johnny on the back burner for the beginning of his run, up until the Spyre arc, which I have reason to believe is the main story he pitched that he credits with securing him the Fantastic Four title. The Spyre arc suggests that the Fantastic Four's failed space exploration during which they got their powers wasn't just to beat the commies to the moon, as Lee and Kirby envisioned (simpler days), but to reach a specific planet outside of our galaxy. When the team sets out to conquer this mission, they arrive at the planet, but are quickly captured. The planet, they find out, operates like a soulmate AU -- everyone has a fated person that they are matched to via a gold armband. Reed and Sue are soulmates (and Ben is confined to an underground subterranean with the other monsters, because this is a Fantastic Four comic) while it's discovered! Shocker! That Johnny is actually the soulmate of the one the planet's inhabitants, a winged woman named Sky, with the suggestion that this is both why Johnny's previous relationships have never worked and why he loves space exploration -- he was just trying to get to his Soulmate TM.

(FF 2018 #15) "What's going on here? Where are my clothes?" As you can see, this didn't start off super great, with Johnny being separated from his family, stripped naked, and put in Sky's bed with a soulmate armband slapped on him. Did I mention they're only removable if your soulmate takes it off for you? And that Sky has consistently refused despite Johnny asking her to? Yeah. It's bad. (I think it's important to note Johnny's long history as a victim of assault plays into this narrative, whether or not Slott is personally holding that in mind while writing, which I don't believe he is. cw in the linked post for discussions of sexual assault.) There's an additional issue here in that Slott has a history of problematic writing regarding women of color, featuring characters he's created to act as love interests being oversexualized, infantilized, villainized, or some mix of all three, with two examples of this phenomena being Cindy Moon and Lian Tang, both of whom he introduced in quick succession in Amazing Spider-Man. Slott certainly didn't have to write Sky as manipulative or controlling towards Johnny, but that's what he chose to do, and that factors into the bigger picture of unfortunate themes in his writing.

Sky returns to Earth with the Fantastic Four despite Johnny appearing unenthused about the idea and initially generally reluctant to interact with her. Apparently they went on a few dates after this and kind of made up. I don't know because I stopped reading for about ten issues in there but I feel confident I missed very little. It's hard to talk about the Sky plot without referencing Johnny's previous interactions with a character named Lyja, a Skrull whose relationship to Johnny I have a long breakdown of here. It's doubly hard, because Lyja actually showed back up in Fantastic Four during this plot. Lyja's modus operandi has remained consistent throughout almost all of her appearances, which I guess makes sense, because she literally has no storylines that do not involve her being obsessed with Johnny, and this recent story isn't any different: Lyja shows up, Lyja disguises herself as another woman in Johnny's life to get close to Johnny, Lyja gets caught and claims it was all fine because she did it for love. This time she disguised herself as Sky.

(FF 2018 #32) Not gonna lie, kind of proud of him for this one. That's one of my problems with Slott -- very occasionally, he busts out good moments, only to undermine them with the rest of his narrative.

In the same issue, Alicia Masters, the first woman Lyja impersonated in order to get close to Johnny, uses her supervillain stepfather's radioactive clay to control Lyja's mind and send her back to space, and I do think she utilized girl power when she did this. Johnny, left reeling after Lyja's latest attempts to trick him into a relationship, ends this issue by sleeping with Victorious, Dr. Doom's right hand woman.

I know she pegged him. I know it. This scene was a little controversial in Johnny fandom, because a lot of people viewed it as Johnny cheating on Sky and thought that that action was out of character for Johnny. I'm personally of a little different opinion, which is that regardless of whether or not you view Johnny and Sky in a committed enough relationship that Johnny's tryst would count as infidelity when all Johnny and Sky are bound by are magic plot soulmate bracelets, I think Lyja's involvement changes things significantly when it comes to Johnny's characterization. All of Johnny's "playboy" periods, if we can call them that, coincide directly with Lyja having been in and then left his life again, which I think makes a certain amount of sense -- it's Johnny trying to wrest control back after a situation where he had none. None of this is explicitly canon, I have to note, but sometimes in comics you have to do the work yourself. So I think this is a case of something being accidentally extremely in character that Slott accidentally stumbled into because he had these love triangles in mind, not because he put a lot of thought into it.

Speaking of love triangles! Johnny sleeping with Victorious gets more complicated when Dr. Doom announces his intent to marry Victorious -- not because he has any romantic interest in her (this engagement caused a lot of uproar in Fantastic Four because Victorious had been previously referred to as being like Doom's adopted daughter) but in order to install her as Latverian regent in his absence. I'm not going to lie, I love a political wedding. Victorious, for some reason, thinks Doom will be deeply upset that she slept with some closeted blond twink and the member of the Fantastic Four he views least as an enemy and more as an annoyance. Johnny, who Sky is currently not talking to because she "felt" him sleeping with Victorious through their magic plot soulmate bracelets, also feels nervous about Doom finding out about this, which I guess is slightly more valid. Anyway, for some completely ridiculous reason, Victorious decides the best time to tell Doom about this little indiscretion is when they're standing at the altar, which coincidentally the Fantastic Four are also standing at, because Doom asked Reed to be his best man in a not at all homoerotic little setup involving midnight swordfighting and Reed slipping Doom's emerald ring onto his own finger. Sorry to sidetrack into DoomReed territory here but it's just like. It's just a lot.

(FF 2018 #33) Also, Ben walked the bride down the aisle. :,) Look at his gigantic hand.

Anyway then Doom decides he's going to kill everyone in a completely reasonable and not at all overblown reaction to Johnny and Zora having what was most likely both disappointing for Zora and weepy for Johnny sex. And that brings us up to where Fantastic Four comics left us yesterday -- in answer to your "big change" question, that's most likely coming up in the next issue, so it hasn't come to pass yet.

Having gotten all that out of the way -- the last time Johnny and Peter interacted canon-wise was in the recent Empyre Fallout Fantastic Four, at the end of the Empyre event:

It was cute! Slott does right good interactions between them. This is possibly the Stockholm Syndrome talking. I don't know if more interactions are likely imminent -- the Empyre event was fairly recent. On the other hand, Slott does like writing interactions between them. So I'd give it about a 50/50 shot. I was skimming the letter page in the latest issue and someone wrote in asking if Peter was likely to appear in the pages of Fantastic Four again any time soon, so there is definitely a demand.

As for Johnny coming out -- I don't know. It's not a call I feel comfortable making at this moment, which I guess means I wouldn't bet money on it. I'd like to say yes, especially because I think Slott set up, whether that was his intention or more likely not, several good places in his run where Johnny could have come out. The beginning, when he's implied to be living with Wyatt again and where he and Wyatt are paralleled against Ben and Alicia. Ben's bachelor party, where Johnny laments not finding the right person -- specifically person and not woman -- and where Ben tells him to "be brave, Johnny Storm." And the soulmate planet plot, where I think could have had a very different and much better ending if Johnny had told Sky that she couldn't be his romantic soulmate, because he knows he wants to be with a man. But those are just places that I think would have made good opportunities for a coming out story. Instead, Johnny's been involved (dubiously) with three different women over the space of the last 10 issues, which is more heterosexuality at one time than he's been confronted with in the last 60 years. So my thoughts are still that it's going to happen eventually, but quite possibly not anytime soon.

Hope that helps! And that my incredibly long answer about what's currently going on with Johnny in comics sheds some light on things!

#johnny storm #traincat talks comics #*replies #long post/ #wednesday spoilers

[animated-moon]

dating oikawa hcs

warnings: oikawa being a pretty boy

a/n: the things i’d do to be his friend 😪😪

☆。*。☆。

before

» you were actually the manager of karasuno (oh no)

» during their joint practice oikawa tried to talk to you because you didn’t really seem like a bad person and in fact he thinks you’re quite interesting based off on the interactions you had with the team

» but also because he noticed that you were staring at him 50% of the time (i mean who wouldn’t)

» so when you were handing out the bottles to both the teams he was like “hii karasuno’s manager-chan :D”

» and you were like “who are you”

» oiks:🗿

» “i’m the captain of aoba johsai, oikawa tooru! hello :D”

» “ohhhh you’re haji’s best friend, right?”

» oiks: 😀😄😀 bcus you called iwa “haji”?????

» turns out you were staring at iwa the entire time

» you were distant relatives but he didn’t know that

» immediately turns to iwa with tHaT (😒) look

» “i didn’t know you knew iwa-chan?”

» “oh, it’s fine. how would you have known?” and you unintentionally gave him a sly smirk and then he misunderstood EVERYTHING

» “oh. okay. sorry.” *walks away stoically*

» when you disappeared he was like “iWA-CHANNNN YOU DIDN’T TELL US YOU HAD A CUTE S/O!!!”

» poor iwa was so confused because he ain’t got no hoes and oikawa was shaking him too much for him to process anything

» then at this point you appeared again and handed iwa’s bottle to him and oikawa gave you the 👁👁 look until you started speaking

» “oh yea, tell aunt i said hi. we haven’t talked in a long while.”

» oikawa: 🤨☝️

» “aunt?”

» *iwa realizes who the cute s/o oikawa was talking about is* “tHEY’RE MY COUSIN YOU-”

» after the practice you and iwa caught up w each other before they left and the entire team started bombing iwa with questions about his cute cousin

» oikawa was strangely quiet but iwa didn’t question it

» meanwhile in oikawa’s brain:

» “cAN’T BELIEVE IWA HAD A CUTE COUSIN AND DIDN’T INTRODUCE US >:(”

» “this is betrayal and i will not talk to him any longer”

» “wait no he’s my best friend”

» “well not anymore 😤😤”

» lowkey a petty king 

» after that though, when you went to hang out w iwa you began seeing oikawa more and more

» and the thing is it wasn’t even on purpose- he just appeared at all the right places at the right times

» but oikawa also found himself intrigued by you because you showed no sign of swooning over him like other people did

» everyone would like a breath of fresh air, but he wanted more than just a breath (me failing to be deep)

» asked iwa for your number and got it along with multiple death threats in case oiks was up to no good

» as you started talking, you slowly caught feelings because he was actually really really sweet, albeit a little narcissistic

» he also provides really good comfort when you’re upset and not in the slightest insensitive of your emotions

» he caught feelings because once he accidentally overshared and unloaded all his frustrations in your chat

» he thought you’d not wanna be his friend anymore after finding out what a horrible human being he was under his happy, smiley mask :(

» but that truth only made you stick by his side even more

» when the karasuno vs seijoh match came y’alls were really close already so that made you ???

» you really wanna support karasuno but oiks!!! you knew just how much it would mean to oikawa if he defeated kageyama

» on the actual day you stood w karasuno but you had secretly given oiks a good luck charm and pecked his cheek before running away

» you saw him stare at you and caress his cheek and literally flamed up

» he really wanted to win the match to assure himself that he was better than kageyama and also, your hope was with him, so how could he lose?

» when the match ended and he lost tho, he was so, so, so, upset and his self destructive thoughts came crashing down

» you rushed out to find him outside the stadium on the brink of tears

» the first thing he said when he saw you was “sorry”

» ????

» “sorry i couldn’t live up to your standards and win the game”

» well that hurts

» you took after iwa’s trait of not being able to express your feelings so you just hugged him. tightly.

» “it’s not your fault.”

» with that he broke down and continued to for the next half hour or so

» after he stopped crying you guys just sat in silence and he was basically rethinking his life choices

» which was when he spontaneously held your hand and leaned in closer to you

» you: ?$/9;&294&48,!’!&!-&/&;&,@/“”-&:$,!:)?3&;)

» then he just waited for you to close the gap and obvs you got the meaning and did it

» you both were lost in a kiss when

» “oI SHITTYKAWA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY COUSIN”

» “...🙂...rUN (Y/N)-CHAN-”

» but after that you hunted him down at seijoh and talked it all out w him

» congradulashions you got yourself a boyfie 🕺✨

» iwa was 🤬🤬 but at the same time 🥺🤲✨🤩🥳

during

» no one at karasuno knew you were dating oikawa

» so when he came to karasuno to fetch you for your date, a riot started

» hinata was shaking you because “y/N-SAN YOU WERE DATING THE GREAT KING?”

» kageyama: *death glaring oikawa*

» tanaka and noya busy threatening oikawa to treat you right or they’ll [redacted]

» suga and daichi trying to calm everyone down (suga actually went to ask you about it after because he got a lil curious)

» tsukki, narita and ennoshita: 👬🏻🧍🏼‍♂️ we been knew tho

» yams: the only one congratulating you two to last long (asahi came later because he was lowkey scared of you people)

» kinoshita: *proud smile and thumbs up from afar*

» oikawa just enjoying this riot and kidnapping you when he finally had the chance to

» being with oikawa naturally gave you tons of unwanted attention

» about 90% of his fans gave you murderous glares when you walked past

» and you guys had at least 10 arguments (big and small) about his fans being too friendly or HIM being too friendly

» he always apologizes after because he knows just how insecure he made you :(

» a big sweetheart and cutie <3

» he isn’t afraid to show you affection so pda is fine but he never goes overboard or embarrass you in public (actually he might but)

» loves to tangle your arms or hands together!! it gives him a sense of security

» likes to nuzzle his head into your neck

» he’ll always hover around you when you’re in school so that you don’t get assaulted by any of his crazy fans

» shows and brags to everyone about how YOU’RE his s/o and how amazing you are

» makes narcissistic comments sometimes but it’s lowkey funny

» iwa’s always being THAT brother and making sure oikawa don’t do no funny things to you

» makki and mattsun also became your best friends and you started hanging out with the seijoh 4 a lot more often

» he has a lot of nightmares and his mental health is as bad as the state of my room rn so please comfort him

» i think he secretly has inferiority complex

» love him or i’ll [redacted]

dates

» not a lot of big dates normally because he’s very preoccupied by volleyball

» so usually arcades?? or park dates?? or even just shopping

» he’s trying his bestest best to fit you to his schedule and shove things away to make space for you because he didn’t wanna make you feel neglected 😭🤲💖

» tbh i think the reason he broke up with his girlfriend (the one mentioned in the anime) is either bcus of fan issues or bcus he neglected her

» he doesn’t want you to go through that pain so he always tries to make time for you

» when you both occasionally go on a big date, he’s all dressed up and treats you like royalty

» on days when he don’t feel so good, it’s the other way around

» i believe you force him to have a lot of stay-home self care dates because he ALWAYS overworks himself

» he cries sometimes because of how grateful he is for you not leaving him bcus he felt like he wasn’t really giving you the amount of love you gave to him ;(

» once he was overworking himself again and you surprised him with tickets to the new planetarium and he almost cried (actually he might’ve but just for the dramatic effect)

overall

» very affectionate and absolutely adores you

» might spew some poisonous words sometimes (when he’s really really pissed) but he really really didn’t mean it

» love him

» appreciate him

» and he’ll do the same for you <3

» 10/10!! in my early haikyuu days (before i saw tendou) i used to have so many thoughts about this manz ;(

- fin <3

@flairlust

#oikawa #oikawa tooru #oikawa x you #oikawa fluff #oikawa headcanons #oikawa x reader #hq oikawa #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x gn!reader #haikyuu headcanons #🌓.creations

[spaceygoobert]

Penny for some thoughts about the clusterfuck that is Solar Opposites s2 (Contains spoilers)

Now that I am no longer drunk out of my mind and watched s2 four more times just to be sure I didn’t miss anything while I was crossfaded. it’s time to talk about it

Ep1 was great. It had more lore for shlorpians with a different perspective and i find it interesting that Korvo didn’t even know there were rich shlorpians. They also lived on floating platforms in the sky, like rich people lived in the clouds and working shlorpians lived on the ground, literally separating the two types of classes

The rich shlorpians said they wanted the pupa so they could get back to being rich, which means they don’t know that they will die, either way, they been jebaited

Did not expect shlorpians to be religious... kinda. but i’m not complaining.

The jokes hit hard and everything was kinda fast. The funniest thing about the season was a wacky plots 

I like how different Terry and Korvo are when dealing with negative emotions 

Terry becomes passive aggressive when dealing with negative emotions. specifically with anger. 

When Korvo basically changes everything about Terry in the Lake House episode, the only thing he doesn’t change is how Terry deals with negative emotions. Imagine not being understood and then becoming a goth because no one understands you, not even your partner, who is essentially the same person as you now. And it’s great.

I love violent goth Terry.

kinda shows how repressed he is to the point of “breaking”

Korvo becomes petty when dealing with negatives emotions too, but instead of anger, it’s sadness or when he’s hurt emotionally

S2ep2 reminds me of s1ep3, they both have something to do with parties and Korvo not being included and because he’s petty af he makes a complicated plan. the plot for the episode was just as mind-fucking as s1.

When Korvo’s sad/hurt, instead of talking about it, he makes a whole ass bill to ban Terry from having to hang out with his human friends because he spends too much time with them and not enough time with him. It isn’t until the shit hits the fan that he finally fesses up, which I find to be perfect. AND it ends with a uwu kiss. 

I find it odd and genius that Terry isn’t how you expect him to be. He looks like he wears his heart on his sleeves, yet he’s the one who shows less emotion than Korvo. Plus he doesn’t know how to express bad emotions and does the whole pretending that everything is fine thing

Could be due to being a laid-back person. By being laid-back, it means not worrying or at least showing it (which btw, if you express emotions, it means you care) 

Maybe someone hurt him enough for him to be passive aggressive OR it could be Shlorp, who the fuck knows

it begs the question, if he represses the bad feelings, what else does he repress?

Korvo LOOKS like he wouldn’t be the type to express emotions, yet he’s the one who is able to show sadness and anger— or a better way to explain, he doesn’t hold back on his emotions. He’s more open of the two adult aliens

AND THEY COME FROM THE SAME PLACE.

When Korvo insults Terry, he gets angry

When Terry insults Korvo, he gets sad and cries.

Korvo and Terry do things to cancel each other out. It’s cute.

Like when Korvo bans dinner parties and Terry still goes to them using sci-fi stuff to do it.

or when korvo goes to live with the other aliens and Terry trashes the house to get rid of his presence. Then mentions that Korvo’s dead

They bond over making fun of humans.

I’d expect this from Korvo, but Terry also makes fun of them too, despite wanting to be liked by them. Dunno, maybe Korvo rubbed off on him.

Korvo and Terry strive to get people to like them.

Korvo with the new aliens

Terry with humans

The way they do it is different. Terry acts like himself with humans, Korvo tries to act like himself but he lies to fit in

The wall, my god, the wall was amazing. The episode that focuses on the wall doesn’t take place inside the wall.

I never thought i’d feel for The Duke, though i expected he and Cherie would have some kind of relationship going on

The music, my god so good

Also the trope with the hero who unknowingly saves the villain.

Forest City, (Wood City?) I don’t remember what they called it

The plot for that was so ridiculous; they lose their car in the forest so they use a device to build a city so they could rent a car to find their car, but they end up getting lost in the city.

The fact that Terry took somewhat studied “pathfinding to prepare for life on dangerous aliens world”

I died when Korvo said he wanted to be a gangster, then he never actually becomes one and keeps getting chased by wolves. In the end, he was just a guy in a business suit

Jesse becomes a bad bitch like I knew she would

I can’t believe all four of the characters lost sight of their goal within a few days probably.

Also yumyulack jr

and the ref to wolf of wall street. Wait, is that why wolves were chasing Korvo because he was attempting to be a gangster? WHAT IS THE RELATION, besides being in a fucking forest?

Prostitute Terry and his tiddies

Korvo and Terry actually like being in each other's company

Red Goobler

My eyes were burned out of my skull, you know what i’m talkin about, the “sleeping through the alarm” scene, which got me second guessing myself that maybe it might be an alarm but it turns out they’re fucking. and there’s a wet condom on the ceiling.

the possibility of Korvo being pregnant? For s3? Impossible but still, it would be funny, then it turns out he’s not pregnant, it’s another red goobler, but he can’t tell if it’s from stress or the fucking

Terry is trying his best

I hope they don’t make terry into an idiot. Like in s1, he was dumb but not an idiot.

also terry admitting he’s too insecure to form his own opinions and Korvo liking the fact that he doesn’t have a firm belief

I am happy for that basic rat chick

Also if Korvo’s a bottom, and assuming Terry is one too, they don’t fuck because they’re both busy being bottoms?

After one night of implied sex, Korvo wanted to marry the red goobler. was the implied sex that good?

The apple pencil pro was just weird

Now that the solar opposites are dead, but not really, what now?

Can we talk about how they all went to fulfill each other’s goals more than their own. It’s sweet.

Lets not talk about Terry wanting to eat out Ms. Frankie, but Korvo does it instead, and he keeps going at it

Korvo likes eating out confirmed?

There was a lot of sexual stuff in this show. I dig it.

Also Terry being the first to die in the last episode, I dunno if I could see him killing his family. I mean I know he would but everyone else had some kind of contraption, except Korvo, who used magic instead, which is funny because he’s the most scientific one there, unless he uses science in it then it would make sense.

Mini Korvos look cute but I know they’re all little shits

i kinda wanna know more about Yumyulack’s past as a bounty hunter, like what did they do as a curriculum, was there even a course on bounty hunting? did Yumyulack only say that to sound cool? who knows! I hope s3 has Korvo and Jesse plots because I see them to be the most alike.

Dunno why, but all the solar’s head exploding was aesthetically pleasing and when they all get rebirthed again with their heads popping out of the tree, reminds me of the tree from pocahontas

This season had a bunch of sci-fi stuff and I love it. I hope there’s more sci-fi stuff in the future.

Also Korvo and Terry are both fucking idiots and I live for it.

#Solar opposites #Solar opposites spoilers #Korvo #Terry #Yumyulack #Jesse #Tervo #literally the longest post i ever did about gayliens

[otakusheep15]

SFW Alphabet - Asmodeus

Asmo is the exact opposite of sfw, but I still think this’ll be fun lol. 

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

He is super affectionate and in multiple ways. He mostly shows his love through verbal praise. He’ll constantly hype you up, even over mundane things. Also really loves physical affection obviously. Not a moment passes where he isn’t touching you in some way. Other than this, he likes buying you things, especially clothes. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

You two go clubbing every single night. He’ll also be the perfect wingman and can get you a date in three seconds. Self-care days are a must for him, and he’ll drag you with him. Shopping trips are also quite common, and you two model outfits in the changing rooms for hours. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

This boy is a sucker for cuddles. One never knows what to expect with him though. Will he simply just lie down and cuddle you? Will he try and go farther? It’ always a gamble getting into bed with him. He also sleeps naked, so prepare for that. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Out of all the brothers, he’s the least likely to settle down. Obviously he loves you, but he is the Avatar of Lust. Chances are, one person just wouldn’t be enough to fulfil his desires, so he’s very hesitant to settle down. If you really beg him, he’ll do it, but he just doesn’t feel like it, and you might just have to accept that from him. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Honestly, it wouldn’t be so much of a breakup as much as him just wanting to see other people as well. Like I said, one person just isn’t enough for him, so he’d still want to keep the relationship open. If you can’t accept that from him, then he’d just break it off with you. He wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand him, so he’d just tell you straight up that it isn’t working between you two. 

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Same with settling down, I just can’t see him wanting to get married. He’s also not very good at commitment honestly. If you plan on getting married, he isn’t the one for you. Again, if you really, REALLY begged for it, he might consider, but it would most likely have to be an open marriage. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He’s surprisingly gentle with you. He still loves you regardless of his sin, and he treats you like royalty. It’s non-stop pampering and sweet words with him. Of course, you two might get into petty arguments here and there, but he’s quick to make up with you and remind you how much he cares. 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Hugging is one of his favorite forms of physical affection. In public especially, he’ll usually have an arm wrapped around you, or he’ll be hugging you from behind while you two are just standing. He also likes picking you up and spinning you cause he thinks it’s cute. 

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He says it pretty fast, but not all that seriously. It’s kinda like how friends say it to each other, so he means it, but not in a couple way. However, the first time he says it and means it is actually takes a lot longer than expected. He’s never been involved in romance too much, so it’s still new to him. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He’s probably the least jealous of the brothers. In all honesty, he’d feel kinda hypocritical if he got jealous over you despite flirting with literally everyone. It’d be more likely that he’d let you do whatever you want as long as you reassure him that he’s still your favorite, and he’ll do the same. If you get super jealous, I’d suggest not dating him lol. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses can go one of two ways. The first are super quick, just a way to show you off to others. The other way is super passionate and filled with emotion. There is no in between with him. He likes kissing you pretty much anywhere, but his favorite is your thighs cause he thinks they’re cute. His favorite place to be kissed is his back since it’s so sensitive. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He thinks kids are cute, but only from a distance. If they even try and come near him, he will punch one. While he does think they’re cute, he also thinks they’re gross, germ-carrying monsters and he will not allow one in his vicinity. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He usually wakes up pretty early cause of his care routine, but he does try his best not to wake you up. If you stay asleep, he’ll get started on his routine and wake you up when he’s done so that you two can go eat. If he does wake you up, he offers for you to join him, or just sit with him while he finishes up. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights are spent mostly the same as the mornings, but in reverse. After dinner, he goes and takes a nice bath and gets ready for bed. Of course, he wants you to join him in the bath, but if you don’t that's fine. He’ll just have you wait for him in his room, and then he’ll get you both ready to sleep. If you don’t want to sleep naked, he understands, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try and convince you to at least once. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He only reveals the shallower side of himself cause that’s all anyone is usually interested in with him. However, once he sees that you mean more to him than anyone else, and that you do truly love him, he’ll begin to open up with you little by little. He’ll begin  spilling all of his darkest secrets and insecurities, and he knows that you’d never tell another soul about any of it. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

To be honest, he probably the most passive out of the brothers. I mean, he’ll stand up for you if a demon is harassing you or he’ll get upset if another brother is stealing you away from him too much, but he never gets all that mad about it. The only time he’d get genuinely mad is if someone won’t leave you alone even after you’ve told them to, or if someone actually hurts you.  

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He pretends like he doesn’t remember anything, but that’s only to surprise you later when he actually does. He’s another brother with a great memory, and he uses it well. You look at something a few second longer than normal while window shopping? Boom, it’s in your room the next day. You have an important day coming up? He’s there, ready to support you however you need. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite moment in your relationship was the first time you two went clothes shopping together. He had so much fun that day, spending the whole time modeling ridiculous outfits that you picked out for each other. You didn’t end up buying much, but it was still fun. After that, you two spend the rest of the day in his room just lounging around and vibing with each other in peace. Maybe something happened later that night, but that’s a secret. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Like the others, he’s super protective of you. He doesn’t show it as often, but he is still there for you no matter what. He’s especially protective of you when you two are out shopping or at a club. He knows how some demons can get when they see a weak human, so he knows he has to keep a constant eye on you. If someone gets too close for his or your liking, they’re getting erased from existence. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He puts in SO much effort. This boy is so over-the-top with literally everything, and this is no exception. To him, you’re almost as perfect as he is, and he needs to show you that. He goes all out for every single date, and will do whatever you want. Honestly, he knows all of your likes and dislikes, so he will cater to whatever you find pleasant. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Obviously, he has a bad habit of flirting with others and getting handsy and honestly that’s not going away. He is the literally embodiment of lust, so there’s no changing how flirty he can be. In fact, the only way a realistic relationship between you would work is if it’s an open relationship, or you have an incredibly high sex drive and a lot of stamina. If neither of those suit you, then it might just not work out in the end. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

His looks are basically his entire life. He prides himself on looking absolutely perfect, so he spends a lot of time dedicated to his beauty routines. After all, he is said to be the most gorgeous demon in all of the Devildom. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Honestly, not really. Yes, he loves you, but he could live without you. After all, he has plenty others at his beck and call, so he honestly wouldn’t mind that much if you left him. At most, he’d feel sad for a few days, but he’d bounce back pretty quickly compared to the others. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

I headcanon him to be genderfluid. And no, not because he’s the feminine one of the brothers. It honestly has to do with his powers. Y’all know how Loki in the original myths was genderfluid and would often shapeshift in order to seduce people? Well, I imagine he would do something similar. Cause, as we know, not everyone likes men. So he’d shapeshift in order to seduce someone. Plus, I could also just see him not really caring about pronouns.  

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He cannot stand someone who tries to change him. Yes, he understands that his lust can cause problems. No, he cannot change that about himself, even if he wanted to. And if someone tries to force him to stop, it’s an instant deal breaker for him. 

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

It’s no secret that he likes to sleep naked, but it goes a bit deeper than that. He loves skin-to-skin contact because it makes him feel warm. Not warm as in literally (although it does that too) but it just makes him feel nice. It reminds him of the inner warmth he felt as an angel all those years ago, and he just wants to have that same warmth back. 

Note: this one kinda makes it sound like I’m trying to hate on Asmo, but I promise I’m not. I love him very much, and this was not meant to shine a bad light on him at all. I just don’t like when people do relationship headcanons like these with him and treat him as though he’d be 100% loyal all the time. Of course, he loves MC above all else besides himself but he would still flirt with and seduce other people, and I feel like people just kinda sweep that under the rug. 

#OBEY ME #shall we date obey me #shall we date asmodeus #asmodeous #headcanon #sfw alphabet

[initiumseries]

Hey! I love your thoughts on bad tv and I’d love to hear a series wrap up on CAOS if you want to make a post about it. If not no worries and thanks for posting your thoughts on the show over the last year. Loved them and love your blog too!

Thank you!! Sure I can totally do a series wrap up, pretty much right now, in response to this ask. 

So, if I had to distill my issues with this series into a few bullet points it would be: 

-plot -world building/continuity -characters

Plot

CAOS struggles with plot, and I think the biggest reason why, is they just seemed to completely lose track of what the hell they were doing lol. Season 1, ends up being the tightest season because the plot was simple: Sabrina’s dark baptism and her leaving her mortal life behind to become one with witchkind. They beat us to death with the Satan stuff, and they cram as much corny imagery as possible in, even if it doesn’t really make sense. 

why are they having class in a hallway? Do witches not use technology? Why is that blackboard so small? Why isn’t this just a normal classroom setting?

Sabrina’s Season 1 character arc is also clear: she decides, fuck the rules, she’s going to straddle both worlds and everyone’s just gonna have to accept it. It’s not good, but it’s clear. S2, 3, 4 get completely lost in all this other weird stuff. Sabrina is actually not her father’s daughter, but Satan’s, and that plotline goes absolutely nowhere when Sabrina conveniently doubles herself (and experiences 0 consequences for it) and rules hell while also staying in Greendale as herself (seriously, it’s not like satan was dying or anything, he was perfectly fine. For what reason did Sabrina need to become Queen? There’s no answer or explanation for that, she just...did. Ok :/).  Father Blackwood goes apeshit and pulls a Jonestown, for no real reason, CAOS starts leaning heavily into this white feminism stuff (for godsake, the coven kills a DEMON, with the fucking pain of childbirth?! Are you SERIOUS??) Then, s3, it’s about losing their powers because Satan is childish and petty, and a new group of spellcasters are out to kill the witches, and Prudence and Ambrose hunting Blackwood. S4, the eldritch terrors, which honestly, make so little sense, I couldn’t even be bothered. Each season, CAOs falls deeper into the trap of trying to up the ante, make the danger BIGGER, WILDER, more insurmountable, while being completely unprepared to stay consistent with their characters/motivations and undercutting their own BIG ideas with stupid, nonsensical solutions (let me trap this all powerful eldritch terror by taking it to a party, proposing and luring it into a magicked dollhouse...wtf?). 

Worldbuilding/Continuity

What I hate most about these writers for Riverdale and CAOS is that they just don’t feel beholden to being consistent in their worldbuilding and continuity. I don’t find anything cool about kids living in houses with old tvs and rotary phones, but then having a cell phones or wearing modern clothes. Historical anachronisms like that should serve a purpose. 

It COULD be interesting if the conceit is that Zelda and Hilda are OLD, so they take comfort in old things like that, but then that should be specific to the Spellman house, and it should be weird. People should take note of it when they’re there, Sabrina should be conscious of it because she grew up in a time where TVs didn’t look like they were stuck in the 50s. But instead, it’s just...a stupid mess of aesthetic anachronisms for no reason other than they can do it and I just find that to be lazier than utilizing those details in an interesting way. 

In season 1, we get a relatively clear idea that the witches have a certain way of life, that bleeds into season 2. It’s still very sloppy; the anti-pope, using satan where we’d use “god”, introducing the feast and other dangerous parts of being a witch, and essentially just doing the opposite of christianity (except for the racism/sexism ofc. That would require too much thinking I guess). But by season 3, essentially the witches’ way of life have been completely turned upside down. And we never...unpack that. There’s no mourning for literal millennia of supposed tradition, there’s no real floundering or struggling. There are apparently no other adults AT ALL in this magical world outside of Blackwood, Zelda and Hilda, so there’s no real way to get a sense of the REALITY of losing their way of life for these witches, or this world. Is it even a world? Or just a handful of people? Lol. What it means to have to choose a new god to pray to, and is there an divisiveness over who? In Harry Potter, the kids’ parents are tangentially involved when they start pulling their kids out of Hogwarts. Do any of these kids’ parents pull them out of the school when they start praying to Lilith and then Hecate? Do any of the boys have issues with moving from a male god to a female one? Where did all these kids come from if they didn’t have parents and families? Is this witch world just...the school? Why? It would have been interesting watching the witches struggle and scramble to regain their powers while also being hunted by this new, threatening group whose magic seems to be much older, much darker. But instead, they just pivot, and have a fucking picnic before the full moon. 

There’s nothing interesting about characters just constantly pivoting around obstacles without having any real emotional reaction, any real struggles. Obstacles like losing their powers, should be an actual obstacle. They should struggle, there should be emotional weight, and consequences. Instead, Sabrina continues to break rules to suit her agenda, put her friends and family and risk and everyone just...rolls with it. No one is angry at Sabrina for the loss of their powers? Her choice to not become Queen of hell is why they lost their powers right? No one has feelings about that? Sabrina isn’t ostracized? We never see the way these choices, or the overarching plot obstacles impact the characters emotionally. Instead, they’re doing this stuff:

Which is completely ridiculous to me. It all just...HAPPENS. Which is this entire series. Stuff happens, and the characters just, do stuff in reaction to it. Harvey, Theo and Roz are ostensibly human, living human lives. They end up getting pulled into Sabrina’s world, and no one has any strong feelings about that? Harvey’s brother is killed, Roz is turned to stone and Theo talks to his dead great aunt and none of them are haunted by any of that? No? They just decide to create a faux scooby club to fight demons?  Ok. And that cheerleading things is over as quickly as we see it. Stuff like this is insanely frustrating to watch because it makes the show a nonsensical slog to sit through. There’s nothing interesting or engaging to latch onto because they just hammer through it all and make up stupid solutions to get themselves out of the impossible stakes they threw the characters in in the first place. They introduce ideas and discard them just as quickly. An ex:angels show up, start killing people, Sabrina channels satan and kills them, and then that’s the last of those guys. Metatron (jfc even the name is stupid) shows up and is killed just as quickly.  Why bother introducing them then? Why bother do any of the things you’re currently doing in this show if you have no intention of seeing it through? 

Characters 

No one on this show gels, at all.  I don’t believe Theo/Roz/Harvey/Sabrina have been friends for ages. I don’t believe Sabrina and Nick are “end game” (why the hell do we keep saying this riverdale? It’s stupid and senseless). I don’t believe any of these relationships at all. Part of this is because the cast have no chemistry with each other:

they do not look like a friend group or couples at all, these are a bunch of people paired together.

But also because they weren’t consistent at all. 

Father Blackwood went from a witch/warlock purist, to a raging sexist, to a cult leader who killed his followers, to a raging maniac bent on hitler-esque destruction in 4 seasons...for nothing. It served no purpose. He didn’t even DO anything. He was nice to the Eldritch Terrors, and became immortal...for nothing. He killed the coven, for nothing. He killed his wife in childbirth, for nothing. Zelda stole the baby, for nothing. None of that amounted to anything worth while in the entire series. So what was the point?  Zelda marrying Faustus also made no sense and only happened to show JUST how sexist he was! But why? WHY? We don’t receive explanations for character behaviour, and when we do, it still makes no sense. 

Sabrina breaks all these rules and experiences ZERO consequences. At all times, and it makes her a terrible main character. Everyone else abides by the rules but she doesn’t and doesn’t have to pay for that? Why? She straddles both worlds instead of committing to one, and that was the closest we got to seeing consequences for her. Everyone rushes in to help Sabrina break rules instead of holding her accountable for feeling above them. Sabrina creates 2 versions of herself, and they sloppily tie in that all the realms are converging in on each other because of what she did. Except she and Sabrina Morningstar had been hanging out...ostensibly for days/weeks/months (who knows? Not this show!) before we saw any potential issues, and then we end up finding out that this is about the next eldritch terror, not about Sabrina existing as a double in 1 universe. People get upset for a second and then move on to help her. So why have rules in this world at all if it means nothing to break them? 

Nick goes through literal hell, and immediately cheats on Sabrina because of how a man made of clay looked at her. That’s laughable to me. It makes no narrative sense. Their relationship doesn’t even make sense.

Roz and Harvey spend 90% of their time almost fucking. It’s bizarre. Their getting together was random and every single scene with them alone in it is like a precursor to fucking and I don’t get why. This show does not grasp how to build up relationships. Also do these kids not have parents? Theo and Harvey stay having constant sleepovers with their respective partners, in their parents’ houses? Really? At seventeen? Lol k. 

I feel like, if CAOS were better thought out, it could have actually been interesting. But it was just a smorgasbord of stuff happening, and characters doing stuff, and none of that following in any real narrative way. Storytelling has structure for a reason, and a show with a good story structure usually yields an enjoyable watching experience. CAOS is a pretty strong example of how throwing that out and relying so heavily on aesthetics and still taking the show so seriously it’s not even fun terrible, gets you nowhere. Ultimately I’m glad it’s over.

#caos #caos netflix #the chilling adventures of sabrina

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Six: Knight)

← Chapter Five

“Elias, you need to put your hat over your ears or they’re going to freeze.” I pulled the little boy’s hat down more trying to convince him to keep it there.

“But I want to wear it like Jo Jo is,” he whined and pointed to the older boy standing next to him. Jonas was wearing a hat in a way that he said made his hair look good. He’d be better off just not wearing a hat if he didn’t care about his ears freezing. 

“Tch.” 

“Did you just tch me?” I stood up and tried to pull his hat down, too, but that was impossible because of our height difference. He stepped backwards and had to catch my wrist so I wouldn’t hit his face. 

“Elias, don’t be like Jonas. Everything he does is because he wants girls to stare at him.” June laughed, knowing the secret she had spilled to me months ago and so did Elias. Jonas just glared at me for a bit and straightened out his coat. Elias grabbed my hand and pulled me to the town square. The festival was in full swing and I made the two children wait for me to close the store before we could go. He didn’t even want to open his presents before we left. 

“Rules before we get there because I lied to your parents and told them you two were helping me and if I lose one of you it will be on my head. We use the buddy system. If you want to run off and do something, Elias, then you have to go with one of us.” He let go of my hand and grabbed Jonas’s. 

“I pick Jo Jo.” Jonas groaned at his nickname and knew that he wasn’t going to pick up any girls with a kid attached to his hip. I didn’t care since he’d be out at the bars tonight when we take the kids home. He said it was his goal to have a girl in bed every year-end so he could start the year off right. Disgusting. 

“You can stay with me then June.” She smiled up at me and we locked elbows, happy with how the straws were drawn. I knew she wouldn’t drag me along to every stall, but she could go to what she wanted since we liked the same things. That also means I wouldn’t have to spend my money on all the treats Elias wanted either. It was a great arrangement. 

Once we got to the town square, Elias dragged Jonas to a toy shop and June and I kept walking. We both wanted to get a warm drink before our hands fell off. This year-end was definitely one of the coldest I’ve experienced. 

“Eva, the Scouts are here too. Look, it’s the commander guy.” She pointed out Erwin who was talking to the head of the Trost Garrison in the center square. They were extra security for the influx of people coming in from Wall Maria. I really wanted to look around for Levi, but I knew he was going to be somewhere on the roof tops monitoring with his ODM gear.

“Isn’t that the boy you like, June?” I leaned down and pointed out a specific blonde haired boy who was with a few of his friends. They were at a game booth wasting their money to get a prize. She blushed when I pointed him out.

“Come on,” I pulled her over to the booth and had to work hard because she didn’t not want to go over at all. If anything, I wanted to help her, and I hope she knew that as I pulled out a few bills to play the game right next to them. She had a chance to talk to him that seemed organic. I was a perfect wingwoman. 

“If you get three balls in, you can get one of these small prizes.” He handed them to me and I knew instantly that I was going to lose. I had bad aim and I knew the bucket didn’t have circular openings. Still, my determination to get June to talk to that boy was at an all time high. I’d take my time with this game to make it look like I was actually concentrating on it. 

“June, hi!” I looked behind me and she had both hands behind her back, one toe drawing pictures in the dirt. 

“Hi, Finn.” He smiled which made me feel like I had succeeded. Maybe it’d eat a few more notes so that she can talk longer. 

I tossed the balls and completely missed two but hit the bucket on the last one. It didn’t go in, but at least there was a little hope. Damn, this game seems so simple, too. That may have added to the reasons I handed the man another bill. This time I’d have to throw it with more arc. 

“Oh! Better luck next time! Do you want to play again?” He held out his hand and I couldn’t resist the urge to pull another bill out of my pocket and did it over again. This time when I made one ball in I shouted and made the other boys with Finn turn. 

“Whoa! You actually got one in Miss!” I smirked down at them, accomplished. Getting pre-teen boys to compliment you was a feat and I was going to take it. 

“Do you want to play ag-” He came from the back of the booth and we locked eyes. He wasn’t wearing a coat like the Scouts on the ground and this was the first time I had seen him in his full gear. How does he look so good with a hunk of metal attached to his sides?

Over the past week and a half, I had come to terms with my feelings for Levi like an adult should. Hours of pounding dough gets the annoyance of falling for someone like him out in no time. At first I was annoyed at myself because I knew that to get him to talk or even acknowledge any emotion was never going to happen. If he can’t tell me when he’s sad, how is he going to say he has feelings for me if he even has them. For the time being, I was okay with being quiet about how I felt because I didn’t want to ruin his almost daily visits to the café. Even yesterday, while my heart was literally beating out of my chest, he helped me make sourdough loaves for hours. Watching him kneed dough with his sleeves up, a concentrated look on his face, and hair tied back just did something to a girl. 

So, even if I was being a big girl and dealing with my feelings, I was also nervous as hell to even let him know about it. A single slip and I have completely lost this game of pretend we had. If he knew, we couldn’t pretend anymore and I think that’s the whole reason he hangs around me in the first place. 

“I couldn’t stand watching you lose over and over again, so I came to win.” I raised an eyebrow and was secretly satisfied he was watching me from above.

“It may look simple, but it’s hard. I usually have a good aim.” A lie. He rolled his sleeves up again and the shirt that he was wearing was a copy of one I had stolen from his bedroom dresser. He had so many because it was his uniform, that made sense. What didn’t make sense was that fact that in these freezing temperatures he was only wearing a cape.

“Give me one try.” He held his hand out to me and I just stared at it.

“Wow, Captain Levi! Are you going to play?!” The kids, including June, had crowded around us which definitely fueled Levi’s desire to win. 

“Why are you holding your hand out? You have to pay to play.” I pointed to the vendor who was just staring at our interaction. 

“Do you think I carry money on me while I’m doing a mission? I’ll repay you by winning.” I rolled my eyes and found his determination in front of the kids cute, so I obliged and paid to get him three more balls. 

“Watch and learn, brats.” 

With the kids staring, and no doubt some Scouts above, he stood behind the line and ever so easily threw the balls in one right after the other. It made me annoyed that he did it so flawlessly, but we were talking about Levi. The kids cheered around him, which definitely made his ego inflate even more, and when he was handed the stuffed rabbit, he took one glance at it before giving it to me with one arm. 

“Repayment.” When the kids started asking him questions, he just walked away wordlessly and before he pressed whatever button it was to launch him back up on the buildings, I called out to him:

“When are you picking up the desserts?” He just turned his head around, not stopping his actions, and answered as he propelled off the ground.

“Nine.” He went flying through the air criss-crossing around buildings. He did look really cool doing that like it was nothing. I could see the blank look on his face as he advanced forward and finally found a roof to land on. I smiled at him, as if he could see me, and stuffed the rabbit under my arm. 

“Miss Eva, you know Captain Levi?!” It was Finn who was asking and I couldn’t disappoint my girl. 

“We’re friends. He comes to my café sometimes, so you might see him again. June knows when he comes, you can come with her.” They looked at June and she blushed at their stares. I looked up at Levi, but his back was turned to look at another half of the festival. Standing on that roof, he did give off Humanity’s Strongest vibes. 

“We’ll see you boys later. June and I want to get something to drink.” She put her arm in mine again, probably glad that her anxiety ridden interaction was over with Finn, and we walked off. 

“That was cool of Mister Captain Levi. He even won you the rabbit.” She pointed to it and I nodded. And I was keeping the damn thing if he ever asked for it back to be petty. 

“I’ll name it Levi, how ‘bout it?” She nodded in agreement and we met up with Jonas and a candy-filled, bouncing Elias. 

The festival went on like that, us as a group and then using the buddy system. We played a few more games and Jonas won Elias a spinning top. June had gotten a mug with her warm cider and gushed to Jonas all about how Mister Captain Levi had come down from the skies to win the game for me. She even pointed out Levi, the rabbit, which got Jonas fuming. He claimed that if he was there, he’d win the game easily too. Elias had to remind him it took seven tries to get the spinning top and that sent the boy running back to the café, a lollipop in his mouth. At least he’d be tired out for his parents.

“Now, you three, here are your gifts. June, Elias, and Jonas. Open up.” I made sure mine was last to open. Elias and June came together and made Jonas and I both homemade snow globes with our initials in them. Jonas had gotten me a new recipe book and the kids both books, to which Elias had to really work to fake his happiness about it. It was a good laugh for Jonas and I as we asked him question after question about him liking the book. However, I was happy with myself knowing I took first place over Jonas, because last year I had lost to a red ball. 

“Oh, thank you Miss Eva! It’s so pretty!” She held up the dress to her body and spun around. Jonas was the next to react when he saw the hair gel I had gotten him to pull off those ridiculous hairstyles he liked so much. Lastly, I looked over to Elias who was staring down with large eyes at his toy. He was the reaction I was anticipating the most. I had to tell Levi if he made the eight-year-old’s dream come true. 

“June, look!” He held up the horse, his eyes still wide. While she had no interest in toys, she still admired it. 

“That’s really cool, Elias.” He held up the soldier next, his arm stretched as high as it went. 

“And there’s a matching Scout, too!” Jonas and I both looked at each other confused, knowing there was nothing on that soldier to indicate it was a Scout or even in the Royal Military. It had to be because the only soldiers he constantly sees on horses are the Scouts. To me, it wasn’t that bad that his new favorite toy was turning into a Scout. Maybe I should tell him a Scout bought it for him, too. 

“Miss Eva, I like it so so so so so sooooooooooooooooooooo much!” He put the box on the floor and ran over to hug my leg that was dangling off the counter. My heart filled and I patted his head, leaning down with one arm to hug him. Levi would like his reaction, especially the Scout part.  I think Jonas was a bit annoyed at Elias’s playing, so he looked at the clock and announced it was time for the kids to go home. I had to stay here to hand out late orders, so I ushered them out. 

“I’ll see you all tomorrow! Don’t stay up all night reading, Elias!” He stuck his tongue out at me and I did it back. Both kids walked ahead of Jonas who stayed back at the door. 

“Thank you for your gift, Ev.” I smiled back. 

“You, too, Jonas. You’ll be the first one to try out something I make from the recipe book.” 

“Can I suggest the cinnamon rolls?” I nodded and insured him I’d make them for him on Monday. He still stood there watching the kids walk their way down the street. He wasn’t going to..? 

“Is there anything going on with you and Levi?” I almost choked on the air. Gods, I wish. 

“No, Jonas. He just comes in for tea after an expedition.” That didn’t satisfy him. 

“And takes you to the capital, and helps you make bread, and wins a game for you at the festival.” He sounded like a child having a temper tantrum. 

“There’s nothing going on between us, Jonas. We’re just budding friends and I make things for the Scouts from time to time.” He narrowed his eyes and pointed to the box on my counter. This astounding common sense was getting annoying. 

“Then who’s that gift for?” I had to come up with some lie quickly. If I told him it was for Levi, he’d never leave. 

“The candy shop owner. He gives out so much free candy to those two on my request, I felt I needed to get him something.” He lowered his gaze and kicked a rock. 

“I’d never think you’d lie to me like that, Ev.” My heart caught in my throat. That made me feel like shit. Especially since Levi was probably going to propel down from one of these buildings in a few minutes. 

“The kids are going to get home before you can get to them. You should go.” He looked up at me and gave me one of the most heart wrenching looks. Ouch. 

“I still like you… from that one time I told you when we were drunk. That wasn’t a lie. I’ll believe you for now… but I don’t think you’re telling the truth.” I was telling him the truth though. I left some things out, but there wasn’t anything between Levi and I. Did it frustrate me that there wasn’t anything? Yes. But I still wasn’t lying to Jonas. And now this unwarranted confession was making things worse. If Levi wasn’t here, Jonas wouldn’t have said anything and it wouldn’t be awkward between us now. I could live with knowing it from June, but now that he told me, it changed everything. I didn’t want that. 

“I hope nothing changes, Jonas. I like babysitting the kids with you and talking to you when you come in to deliver things. Even if we do stay friends in the long run, I-” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up at the kids who had stopped walking when they noticed he never started. 

“Friends friends or Levi friends?” This time I glared at him a bit, but he wasn’t looking at me. I knew if he stayed any longer, we’d get in a fight, and he’d get more disappointed if Levi decided to drop in in the middle of it. It was better to send him off now and fix it later. 

“Goodnight Jonas. Happy year-end.” He just nodded once and took off after the kids. No goodnight, no year-end joke. I hoped I didn’t have to wake up to someone dragging him to my café drunk like last year. 

Oh. 

When he was drunk last year. That’s when he told me. He was making a tradition of it. He had just thrown up on the sidewalk when the people carrying couldn’t put him through the door and I was wiping the sweat off his forehead. 

I closed the door, making sure it wasn’t locked, and went to sit back on the front countertop. Swinging my legs, I replayed the conversation in my head. 

“Ev, you’re so good to me,” he slurred. 

“Well, Jonas, you’re drunk on my doorstep. I can’t just leave you here.” He smiled and looked like he was going to throw up again. I backed up, but kept the wet rag on his forehead. 

“When you’re done throwing up, you can come upstairs and I’ll give you some water.” He burped and I grimaced. Wasn’t he supposed to be having sex at his house with some random bar girl? Why was he so drunk and here? 

“I’ll like that. Your couch is comfy.” I laughed a bit.

“Why are you so drunk? I thought you had a tradition of taking someone home.” He shook his head really fast, which was a horrible decision, and held it in both of his hands to try and stop the dizziness. 

“I don’t want to bring anyone home but you,” He pointed to me and I gave him a confused look. He smelled so much of alcohol. 

“I come to your house sometimes to pick up orders, Jonas.” 

“No, no, no, no, no. Like. I want you to come so I can kiss you.” He turned over his left shoulder and threw up again. I patted his back and just nodded. Very, very drunk.

“Can I get my pastries or do I need to wait for you to stop daydreaming?” I jumped and looked at the uniform clad man in front of me. He didn’t even knock. 

“Oh, sorry. They’re cooling right now. I baked them in the last hour.” I also timed it just right so that he’d have to stay a few minutes and open his present, but he didn’t need to know that. I just sat there and drank in his uniformed look. It was much better than his usual black slacks. 

“Is that the cape I wore?” He grabbed a chair and sat down right in front of me, back of the chair leaning on the table. He assumed his lounging position. 

“Yes, you also left it crumpled on the floor. Don’t think I didn’t notice you stole one of my shirts, too. I woke you up, didn’t I?” He rather rudely ripped the covers off of me and kicked the bedpost three times, yes I do recall. It really ruined the ruse of the dream I had of him that night.

“Do you want it back? I’m sure the other fifteen are missing it.” He squinted his eyes.

“I’ll have you know if anyone finds out a civilian has my issued military gear with them, I’d get in trouble.” Oh, so we weren’t pretending right now. 

“The military counts your clothes?” He sighed and switched his lounging leg. I looked to the side at the medium sized box wrapped in red fabric. I guess it was now or never. 

“I have your gift,” I picked up the box and hopped off the counter. He stared at it for a few seconds before taking it and just sitting it on his lap. Was he not… ?Does he not know… ?

“Open it,” I waved my hand at the gift and he hesitated. 

“I want to give you my gift first.” That really set the butterflies off in my stomach. The stoic, mean, scary Captain Levi actually got me a gift like he said and it wasn’t a lie to go to the capital with me? I was buzzing with warmth. I closed my eyes and held my hands out. 

“What are you doing?” I could tell he didn’t move. Does he really not know how gifting works? 

“My gift, Captain.” I wriggled my fingers.

“Oh, yeah.” This time he moved and I felt him place a circle in my hands. It felt similar to the shape of Jonas’s hair gel. He didn’t get me hair gel, did he? I felt it with my eyes closed again, taking a good guess. 

“Is it… candies?” He groaned like this was taking too long.

“Just open your eyes, I don’t have all night.” I opened them and looked down at the jar in my hands. It was quite thoughtful of him and a very practical gift. It made my heart sing and I couldn’t hide my smile. 

“S-some... Scout, he, um, he recommended it after I asked how to get rid of dry skin. They said this was the only thing that worked for them. A-And I know you’ve been looking for something… So…” I opened it right away and put it on my hands. Wow, this felt really smooth and it smelled like roses, “D-Do... you like it?” That statement made his voice raise up a bit. He didn’t want me to know that he definitely wanted to feel good about his gift. 

“I love it, thank you, Levi. If it really does get rid of the cracks in my skin, you’ll have to thank that Scout too. Now open yours!” I waved my hands again, rushing him as I stood in front of him. He slowly undid the tie that held the fabric on the wooden box and it was almost like he was looking at a bomb when he went to open it. Slow and controlled. Did he think I would buy him something that popped out at him? 

When he opened it all the way, he just stared. This made my smile drop. Great. Who was I to expect a big reaction out of this man? He could be screaming in his head right now and I would never know. 

He picked it up out of the box and ran his hand along the simple blue design. When he looked up at me, there was just a little shred of emotion in his eyes, I’m sure I saw it. Something that wasn’t indifference. It just wasn’t there long enough for me to get a real good look at it. I just wanted him to say something so I didn’t have to prompt him into a lie. He took out the cup next and did the same thing, inspecting the design and the porcelain. 

“How much did you pay for this?” Well, that was an annoying first reaction. No “thanks, Eva” or anything. 

“It doesn’t matter. I saw it and thought about you. You probably have a lot of tea kettles and cups at HQ, but I guess if you ever get peppermint tea you can use-” 

“I… I like it. I like it a lot actually. I only have one set at the HQ and it’s from the Underground. This one is… much better.” That was good enough for me. It brought my smile back and I clasped my hands together. I think I was more excited than he was about the gift. 

I clapped my hands and he looked up at me again. There it was that same shred of some type of Levi emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on. 

“Well, I think the desserts are cool if you want to take them.” I turned around to go and put the Scout’s treats in a nice paper box but he grabbed my wrist. I swear I made a noise out loud which was me reacting to Levi touching me for one of the first times. Damn, how did I hide this a few months ago? And if he came up to my apartment later, how was I going to handle that? In all of his visits the past week, he always had to get back to HQ, but I knew that after his security detail wasn’t needed, he would come to the café and stay one night. What was I going to do then?

“Can you make me tea?” I slowly looked up from his grasp on my wrist and smiled at him. 

“What about your party?” It’s not that I wanted him to leave, it’s just if he kept looking at me with those eyes I was in trouble. 

“They can wait. Dessert isn’t till they’ve all drank themselves to death.” He’s a hard bargainer, I guess he has to stay for at least a cup. 

“Okay,” I took the tea set from him and set it up on the stove. I pulled out a cup for myself too as the set only had one. He didn’t say anything as I made the peppermint tea, he just watched me from his chair. The stare this time was almost overwhelming. I had just given him a gift, he liked it, and he asked me to make tea with it. There also had to be something said for him not caring enough about the officer party to stay here. I most definitely kept my back to him so he couldn’t see the harsh red that painted my face. It didn’t help that I could feel his stare from behind me. 

“Do you not drink much?” I broke to silence because I was going to go crazy or have a heart attack. He shifted behind me. 

“I drink, just not with people I don’t like. The Garrison Officers are also attending.” I nodded and noted the one Captain who comes to my café on his morning shifts. I wouldn’t want to drink with them too.

“I don’t blame you. They come in here sometimes. Loud.” He hummed in agreement and I just watched the tea brew. It felt like these minutes were taking hours. 

“Why do you ask? You want to drink with me?” I finally turned around and put my hands up; the same way I did when we had the bed misunderstanding. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I was just asking that’s all. I-I mean I’m not against it, if you’re asking just in general. I drink too. Not a lot because I’m working, but I can if I want to, yeah.” I turned back around and cursed at myself. Great at hiding that. Now Levi was gaining points in my game. 

“Sure, I’ll drink with you sometime. I can probably drink you under the table.” Man, everything had to be a contest. Such a competitive boy. I finally gained composure to turn around and join him and the table with the tea. Thank gods I closed the front windows. 

“I don’t know. I can outdrink Jonas on a good day.” He rolled his eyes and took his first sip out of the new cup. It looked like it fit his weird grip well. 

“I’m sure anyone can outdrink that idiot.”

“You don’t even know him and you’re calling him an idiot. In fact, he has great common sense.” He smirked and took another sip, probably to stifle some insult he had lined up. 

“Usually when they say you have common sense, they mean you’re an idiot.” Nope, it was not stifled. It was just simmering. I couldn’t disagree with that statement. 

“Did you enjoy the festival?” He shrugged and switched legs again. 

“I was having an okay time watching from above when I saw this one girl losing terribly. I had to go save her from that fate.” Levi, the bunny, was still sitting on the counter too. 

“What a damsel in distress! I’m sure she’s glad you saved her from the judgement of prepubescent boys. You even got them wanting to come to the café.” He tched again. 

“Why were you with them anyways? The girl looked uncomfortable.” I set my cup down on the table and rested my elbow on the table. 

“That girl’s name is June and she likes one of the boys in that group. I was just teasing her. You helped her cause too because I told the boys to ask her when you came to my café. You might have them at your ankles the next time you come.” He groaned and put his cup down too. It was still half full, which meant he wasn’t leaving yet.

“So you get a stuffed animal and I get a bunch of brats at my neck. That’s how the damsel in distress thanks her knight.” Maybe he didn’t mean it, but when he said her knight, as in possessive, I read into it a bit too much. I’m sure he meant nothing by it. 

“Well I gave you the tea set so it evens out.” He shook his head, tapping the table. 

“No, you got the tea set before you even knew about this game. You can’t opt out.”

“Hey, hey, hey who paid for you to even play that game to begin with? Me.” He shook his head again, adamant about his equal exchange. 

“Exactly. You paid, I gave the rodent. You gave those brats my location, I’ve gotten nothing in return.” It was my turn to tch him as I leaned more forward, head resting in my hands. He did the same, but just one elbow and he wasn’t sitting crisscrossed. 

“They aren’t brats, they’re kids.” 

“Same thing.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Arguing with him was so fun to do. It was a weird thing to like, but it was fun. It wasn’t arguing, but bickering. Maybe it would seem annoying to the people around us, but trying to prove Levi wrong, the person who thinks he’s always right, was a feat I was happy to take on.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” I shook my head, eyes still closed. 

“Just thinking.”

“About what?” You.

 I took another deep breath trying to silence my heart. My eyes snapped open.

“Cedar.” That was the third one. Mint tea, lemon soap, and cedar. I had gotten close enough to him to figure it out. It had to be the countless ODM trainings in the trees.

“You’re thinking about trees?” It was the way his breath hit my face that I knew he was close. I didn’t want to look over and lock eyes with him because I knew if I did the heart that I worked so hard to silence would start up again. No, Levi, I’m thinking about you, but I just can’t come out and tell you that.

“Yeah.” He huffed, air again hitting my face, and I just stayed looking at the tea set. This time, I was even nervous to look at him. Not a lot of things flew past Levi, so if he saw how I reacted to our closeness he would think something was up. I wasn’t ready to give this up yet… or was I? 

I mean I said that I sorted out my feelings. And if I was going to not act like a schoolgirl, like I had promised myself, then I could look at him and not get starstruck or anything. What was any different from a few months ago to now? He’s been in my house multiple times and I’ve slept a few feet away. What was the point of being meek about it? Yeah, I was going to do it.

When I looked at him, he had his eyes closed. Damn, there goes that pep talk. It was like he was sleeping. Peaceful. No harsh lines. Everything was calm and serene for him. He looked so handsome just sitting here like that. The moonlight casting down on his face from the side window didn’t help my feelings. Nor did the fact that he was staying here with me and not with the officers. Or the fact that he had swoop down and been my knight at the festival… This man was trying to kill me. 

I leaned in. Apparently, we had lost all self control in those few moments looking at him, but, come on, how was I supposed to control myself when he was looking like that? I didn’t know what I was even doing kissing him like that because I knew he wouldn’t react any other way than he did. I set myself up for failure.

His lips were soft and tasted like tea and I only got to kiss them for maybe two or three seconds before he realized what was going on. He didn’t kiss back and I think he just opened his eyes, studied the situation, and sat back when he realized. I didn’t look up at him after. I just closed my eyes and positioned my head to the ground. Him pulling away like that was telling enough. I’d lost and ruined the game we were playing. There was no way to pretend now and Levi only wanted to pretend. Nevermind my racing heart. 

“D-Do, um, do you have the, um, what are they called? The pastries? For the party?” His voice was low and I swore at myself that I didn’t just give them to him before and let him go. He was the one who asked for tea. 

“Yeah.” It was breathy and I didn’t look at him when I stood up and went to put the turnovers in the paper box. I even labeled it To the Officers of the Scouts. Now I felt so stupid in doing that. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

I shouldn’t have kissed him. 

I handed it to him and he didn’t say anything. The door closed, signaling that he was gone. I let out a long groan and sank down behind the counter hoping I could hide from everything. The chairs and the tables saw it. They were laughing at me. I really thought I could kiss Captain Levi and get away with it. The man who doesn’t even know what emotions were was going to sort them out in time to kiss me back? No.

I guess it was six months. That’s how long it took till the Captain didn’t come back.

Chapter Seven→

Chapter Masterlist

A double update for you all :) What do you think’s going to happen to them? Hehe.

#levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x oc #levi x reader #snk levi #levi attack on titan #levi x oc #aot #aot levi #snk #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi heichou #captain levi #original character

[makeste]

literally just a giant post of Bakugou faces.

today, 4/20 (actually it is very much still only 4/19 over here, but to heck with it, we’re getting an early start dammit), is Bakugou Katsuki’s birthday. and as someone who loves Bakugou and who also hasn’t found much worth rejoicing about in April 2020 in general, it’s important to me to celebrate the shit out of this day. but these are strange times and I am le tired, and so what my tired brain ended up arriving at was “just do a post about how much you love his stupid face.”

so these are my favorite Bakugou faces. I stopped after Kacchan vs. Deku because this post was already like 100k words (slight exaggeration) with like 40,000 faces (slight), and because this already took forever and the next 130-something chapters were only going to have about one fifth as many good faces compared to the first 120, even though there are some good ones there still to be sure. but anyway, so there are no spoilers here. 

happy birthday Kacchan, and happy birthday to Kacchan’s angsty side profile with his hair covering his eyes.

why I like it: he scured.

lol but seriously. because up until this point he’s just been a complete asshole. even after he gets grabbed by sludgeman, he’s all “AS IF I’D LET THIS MUDMAN TAKE MY BODY FOR HIMSELF”, and he’s all feral-looking, and at first you’re like “eh he’ll be fine.” but then along comes this panel to serve as our narrator saying “he was not fine.” because he really is not. and on the page before this too, you can see how tired and desperate his struggles are starting to get. and absolutely no one is trying to help him. and he’s fighting, he’s straining, but he can’t. fucking. breathe.

and then this panel. and he’s just a kid. he looks so very, very young here, like this is the youngest he looks throughout the entire series except for in his flashbacks, and it’s because all the pride and bluster and anger are stripped away and he’s just a boy underneath it and he’s scared. “you looked like you needed saving.” exactly. exactly. and for Katsuki to actually ask for help is so rare. so you know that when he does ask (and he absolutely was begging for someone to come help him even though he couldn’t vocalize it. credit to Horikoshi for conveying all of that emotion in a single panel), he really, really needs it. thankfully there was one person watching who finally snapped himself out of that “a hero’s bound to come along soon” mindset that had everyone else gripped, and realized that he needed to be that hero.

why I like it: because he’s humiliated and fairly shaken up and also the most handsome he’s looked up until this point, but most of all he’s just chewing his lip and being all “god fucking dammit did fucking Deku really just save me, fuck my life, why is the universe fucking dumb.” like even after this hugely traumatizing experience, he’s incredibly resilient to the point where after he calms down, his lingering emotions are mainly just “smdh this is a new level of irritated even for me.” he is so brave and thickheaded and tough and absurdly, ridiculously petty jesus christ.

why I like it: like the old man said. his face just screams “I’m a rotten thief.”

there’s so much personality in this one expression. and then it’s juxtaposed against proto!Katsuki who I really desperately just want to punch in the face. just. my son my be a dick, but by god he’s an honest dick.

why I like it: baby?? cute baby??? mine?? my baby?!?

he’s just like. “I got it all figured out. gosh I’m so good at life.” that is the face of a child who has never encountered a single difficulty in his very young existence. everything is easy and he expects to be good at everything and he always is and he’s so, so pleased with himself. with a kid that little you really don’t want to go and shatter their dreams just yet, but maybe someone should have taken him down just a peg or two before it all got out of hand. alas. he was so cute that nobody wanted to and I can’t even blame them because he’s just that fucking cute, though.

why I like it: this is a very underrated panel which I think most people probably don’t even recall. it’s from chapter 11 just after he loses to Deku and Iida, and specifically right after Momo just completely lays into him and explains in vivid detail exactly how stupid every single one of his decisions was lmao. and it’s like he’s just had his eyes opened. he talks about her speech later, too, so it clearly had an impact.

there is no pride here at all. initially when I was reading this, I thought he was still shell-shocked. but looking back at it, and knowing what I do now about his unexpected willingness to accept criticism (something I certainly wouldn’t have expected during my first readthrough of this chapter), I think this is also a genuine “!” face as he realizes that she’s completely fucking right. YOU DONE GOOFED SON. but it’s okay because he learned from it!

also look how big his eyes are. when they get all wide like that. it’s so rare that I have to appreciate each and every time it happens. also he has no right to have such thick eyelashes. goddammit.

why I like it: because he’s strongest at his moment of weakness! because he’s upset but he learned from it! because he is such a strikingly human character with such complex emotions and there’s such a lovely mix of them on display here and that shit is my weakness! because this is when I signed the adoption papers (well, had them finalized after I initially obtained them after the “you looked like you needed saving” face in chapter 1, at least)!! because he always cries in front of Deku and doesn’t get embarrassed, but then he does get embarrassed if anyone else shows up! because his emotions around Deku are so raw and out of control! because the intensity of them is as compelling as it is confusing! but mostly because someone showing fierce determination while simultaneously showing intense vulnerability is basically the cheat code to unlocking my heart, and also the best thing anyone can ever draw in a shounen manga. thank you I’ll take infinity of them.

why I like it: because half of 1-A saw this face and instantly thought “fuck that’s hot” and then went “!! oh fuck me” but it was too late! that’s right kids. even knowing firsthand what a trashpile he can be, you’re still not immune to his charms. that confidence, though.

why I like it: the face of a boy who has just realized that holy shit, there are other people in his class. nothing gets past him. his reflexes are too fast.

why I like it: the slow motion (this is such a cool moment even if it’s at his expense lol), and the fact that this is such a weird and totally unique expression, and yet he somehow almost manages to make it look good. actually he does make it look good, let’s be real. of course, this was back when Horikoshi had more time to roll up his sleeves and really get into the art. look at all that shading goddamn.

why I like it: he cares!! he has feelings!! he has concern about someone other than him omfg whaaaaaat.

he’s so unsettled by what he just heard about Todoroki. the guy who was so strong and cool turned out to have an absolutely horrifying shounen protagonist past that he never let on about. honestly this scene is one of the reasons why I’m so strongly in favor of not interpreting Katsuki’s parents as abusive; because I just really like the character arc of him actually having a pretty good childhood, all things considered, but still having all these problems. because sometimes people actually do have everything going for them and yet they still screw up, because people are only human and sometimes you can fuck up (or be fucked up) even on easy mode! and if that happens it doesn’t mean you’re any more to blame, or more worthy of derision or scorn, or that you already had your chance so screw you, or any of that! anyway so that’s just such an interesting and relatively rare thing to explore and so I like it.

anyway. so just, the idea of him thinking of Todoroki as someone who had it made all his life, only to realize that’s not actually the case at all and that he’s actually the privileged one in comparison, just makes for a really great character-building moment. it’s a really big wake up call for him, especially given that he’s so often just wrapped up in himself and his own concerns still at this stage of the game. and it’s a moment that has a lasting impact on him and that he doesn’t forget, and it helps contribute to him starting to learn more empathy.

why I like it: my child is rabid please help.

but he’s so happy to have Ochako prove to be such an unexpectedly worthwhile opponent. she was sneaky and she nearly got him and he only just made it out by the skin of his teeth and fuck yes, that was awesome. he was really ready to throw down some more with her and it was gonna be the highlight of his fucking day. I just love seeing him acknowledge other people’s strength, because we know the value he places on being strong. so that’s a ton of respect from him, and Ochako fucking earned it, and this is just a great moment.

why I like it: just casually spittin facts and launching ships. nothing to see here move along.

why I like it: for everyone reblogging that one scene of shoujou!Bakugou from the anime over and over again, I just want to remind you all that as great as that scene is, we shouldn’t forget that in the manga he can be effortlessly handsome without even trying.

why I like it: as I said above.

why I like it: another one of the infamous “haah!?” faces. whenever he does these that one raised-eyebrow eye always goes so wide, and even though he’s trying to look like a pissed off thug it always makes him look surprisingly young instead.

also I’m not crazy for seriously wondering if Horikoshi’s art peaked all the way back in the sports festival arc though, right?? you honestly can’t find a bad panel even if you specifically go out and look for them.

why I like it: babyyyy.

I still don’t get how anyone could watch this scene and not get that he was way more upset than he was actually angry. he looks like he’s about to cry honestly.

why I like it: MY PRECIOUS SON’S ANGELIC SLEEPING FACE. all tuckered out. he’s had a hard day.

but seriously when you smooth out all of the >:O it is amazing how young he actually looks though. this one panel is shaded in such a way that you can see that he still has baby fat in his cheeks!! he’s just a little boy! HE IS A LITTLE CHILD LIKE THE REST OF THEM AND YOU MADE HIM PARTICIPATE IN THESE HUNGER GAMES AND HE KICKED ASS AND THEN GOT SAD AND YOU MADE HIM SLEEP AND CHAINED HIM TO A POST WHEN HE WOKE UP ANGRY AND TRYING TO BITE PEOPLE. anyways what a whirlwind of events huh.

why I like it: this child is literally trembling. he has been shaken to his very core. also for real though how did Jeanist even do that. anyways great internship or greatest internship.

why I like it: this is from chapter 60, right after he basically declares war on Deku and says he’ll crush him during final exams. then he turns around and is just like AND LET’S NOT FORGET THIS ASSHOLE HERE!!! and his eyes are practically bulging out and Todoroki just has his trademark “!!!” totally blank stare. this panel fully kills me guys.

why I like it: how was he THE CUTEST CHILD WHO EVER LIVED?? look at his little fists?! I can’t even deal with this???

why I like it: I actually like this one even more than the more iconic “the strongest heroes always win in the end” panel right below it, because in this panel you can more clearly see that he was crying quite a lot (he was only six!!), but it seems to me that it was more because of the unfairness of it than because he was hurt. even though he was hurt. but these jerks bumped into him and then acted like it was his fault, and it was two against one and he was much younger than them and IT’S JUST ROUGH YOU GUYS! LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU’RE SIX! but he’s a little tough guy though so he scrubs the tears away in this very clumsy and boyish fashion because HE WON ANYWAY SO TAKE THAT! he is so little but already so determined.

why I like it: his eyes are just so intense all the time. even when it’s not an intense moment at all. also the dot shading here is so cool.

why I like it: okay so technically it’s the back of his head and not his face. but I feel like the fact that Kacchan was twitching and flinching and shaking too doesn’t get enough attention in this scene. he and Todo were both wigging out here and I love it. during the third light novel he also gets freaked out by the whole Disney Channel “we were telling a ghost story but now it seems like the story has come to life” plot that goes on at one point, just fyi. Kacchan is absolutely that kid who will refuse to watch scary movies just because “they’re dumb” and definitely NOT because he is scared, how fucking dare you sir.

why I like it: because this is the first of many scenes in this arc and the next arc in which he is freaking out but doing an excellent job of covering it up with his natural ferocity. he and Shouto have just come across one of their classmates’ arms lying in the middle of the path being chewed on by a villain in a straitjacket. his first reaction is to ask Shouto which of their classmates had been out on the path in front of them. he has immediately put two and two together, and he is immediately ready to throw hands with this dude, rules or no rules. but you can see the shading over his eyes though, and I think that -- along with the sweat visible on his face -- is a huge indicator of how horrifying this actually is to him.

why I like it: because this blank “processing...” expression that he sometimes gets when a lot of people are talking at once and he’s not really sure but he is pretty sure that he doesn’t like where this is heading, is my favorite.

why I like it: because even now it’s still ambiguous just what exactly was the prevailing emotion in these eyes and this expression, and the prevailing sentiment behind the “stay back.” I happen to think it was fear! not the same overwhelming, helpless fear as the 14-year-old who was caught up in the sludge, but a very on-edge, controlled-panic fear of a 16-year-old who’s trying to remain in control because he’s a hero in training now. and I think the “stay back” is the “stay back” of a boy who knows the look in that other boy’s eyes, and knows that it’s no use this time. it’s not protective, and it’s not hostile or defensive either. it’s just... resigned. don’t do it, Deku. that could have been the last thing he ever said to him, and it was measured and brave even through his fear and I love him so much.

why I like it: this is one which has to be viewed in juxtaposition with the panel immediately above it lol. Tomura looks like he could literally stare a man to death with those crazy eyes, and Kacchan is comparison just looks so ridiculously young and small and out of his league. but he doesn’t crack. but his eyes are super wide and even the shadows underneath them are stressed almost to their breaking point. like I’m screwed I’m screwed I’m so goddamn fucking screwed oh shit. my baby, guh. this was such a fucking scary experience though for real??

why I like it: same deal as above lol. this whole situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and here he’s just probing for more information while simultaneously trying to buy himself more time to think of a miracle plan. there really isn’t much chance of him getting out of here unscathed at this point (or at least there wouldn’t have been if the heroes hadn’t shown up), but I don’t think he’s letting himself think about that yet. but I’m sure it’s there at the back of his mind all the same.

why I like it: this is my favorite Bakugou face ever. SO MANY EMOTIONS. All Might came to save him! his hero!! he beat the bad guys (or so they think for that brief moment anyway) and it’s all okay now! he was alone but now he’s not anymore and All Might is there! and he is relieved, and he actually lets his guard down to show it for just a split second! his lip is trembling! I don’t think he even realizes for a moment, and then he does, and he immediately goes all tough guy again and the moment is gone! but while it’s there! it’s so much! I have never so badly wanted to hug a fictional character in my life.

why I like it: don’t you think this person could one day inspire thousands of others. do you see this courage in those eyes. the way he pushes past fear and panic and fatigue. don’t think, don’t doubt. just win.

why I like it: by now you have probably detected a pattern of me liking all of the Kamino faces because he was going through so many emotions that for once the walls just couldn’t keep up. he always looks so much younger when he’s not making >: faces. everything just smooths out. I also like that Horikoshi never makes his expressions symmetrical; he almost always has one eye wider than the other, eyebrows doing different things, stuff like that.

also this is when he sees All Might’s true form for the first time, and you can just see it hit him like a punch to the gut. All Might weakened; All Might weakened because of him; All Might might lose (!?!); All Might might die???? Katsuki’s entire world is falling apart in an instant, and in this moment he’s just a little boy.

why I like it: it beginsss. the angstening.

he’s not even resisting the hand guiding him. none of his usual unruliness or general aura of barely-checked rage. he just looks tired. and completely lost in his own thoughts. which as we now know were not good. I cannot fucking believe we had to wait another 25 chapters after this to finally get this kid a damn hug.

why I like it: because Bakugou Mitsuki is fulfilling my (and dating sim!Momo’s) lifelong dream of ruffling Bakugou Katsuki’s (spiky yet fluffy!!) hair. and all he can do is just chew his lip and halfheartedly glare at her all “mooooooOOOOmmm.” he doesn’t even really look pissed off here (because it’s hard to be mad when someone is talking about how worried they were about you and how relieved they are that you’re safe now, especially when that someone is your mom who isn’t normally the type to be so open about this kind of stuff at all), just begrudgingly grumpy. and I swear to god his bottom lip is made of fucking rubber the way he moves it around, just look at it.

why I like it: those eyelashes though!?!? [grabs Katsuki by the shoulders and shakes him roughly] WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO PRETTY.

why I like it: this is right after he found out he flunked the license exam, and you can see how upset he is. obviously we now know that shortly thereafter he went and had a complete meltdown. and buddy if you keep grinding your teeth like that, your dentist is also going to have a meltdown.

and yet again Horikoshi manages to strike this uncanny balance between making him look pissed off and making him look like he’s trying very, very hard not to cry. he just failed, again. it’s like the whole world is screaming at him over and over again that he’s not hero material at all.

why I like it: because he drags Deku out to the middle of nowhere and is all “I know you have All Might’s power and we’re gonna fight”, and Deku protests, and you expect Kacchan’s reaction to be just about anything other than what it actually is. this is as close to pleading as Katsuki is ever going to get. he may not be drowning in sludge but he is still desperate.

why I like it: this may be the best Katsuki that Horikoshi has ever drawn.

why I like it: super ultra mega unpopular opinion: I like this panel even more than THE PANEL!! that follows shortly after it. I am a sucker for when Horikoshi does this thing where he shows Katsuki’s face from a side profile, and his eyes are covered by his hair so you can’t see his full expression, but you know it is something vulnerable because he only ever does this when Katsuki is trying to hide his vulnerability. I could make a whole separate post just about these hair-covering-eyes faces lol. but out of all of them this is my absolute favorite. I can hear Okamoto’s voice acting in my head just looking at it.

why I like it: because it is THE PANEL. he finally broke completely; he let the walls fall away; he couldn’t hide it any longer. he’s so unbelievably torn up about this; he hates himself for it and feels like a failure; he’s lost and doesn’t have the faintest idea how to find his path again. he ended the Symbol of Peace. he was weak and wrong, and Deku was strong and right, and he can’t even hate Deku for it anymore, he just wants to understand what it is that he keeps doing wrong, why it is that he keeps failing.

why I like it: it’s, uuuuuh, angst.

lol it’s funny because at the beginning of the series, it was always Deku who was always crying at the drop of a hat. and to be fair this is still true. but Katsuki also cries way more than I would ever expect a rival character in a shounen manga to cry. and specifically he has cried every single time he’s had a dramatic and overly emotional altercation like this with Deku (and that’s three separate times now). is it because he’s always felt like he has less to hide around Deku? or because his Deku Emotions are so much more intense and volatile than his other emotions? at any rate, whatever it is, if this happens one more time (and I guarantee you it will too because A Certain Someone still hasn’t officially made an apology yet) he will officially lose all authority to ever call Deku out for being a crybaby again. meanwhile poor All Might will just be beside himself. I’m sorry dude, both of your children are just like this, you just gotta deal with it and accept their feelings.

why I like it: HE FINALLY GOT HIS HUG, BLESS.

and more hair covering his eyes! and chewing of the lip! and his head is bowed so much here, he fully allowed himself to be pulled into this hug and to accept this gesture of comfort for once in his life, just for a moment! after everything he was feeling, everything he was beating himself up over, All Might comes and tells him it’s not your fault. and there’s still so much guilt there, but he needs to hear this so badly that he accepts it all the same. meanwhile he is also CRYING AGAIN!? because this was the chapter where Horikoshi said “I am going to put all of the angst and cathartic conflict resolution into a single fight and it’s going to be the best thing ever” and it really was. do you even understand how much I love this. do you??

why I like it: OH GOSH I FORGOT ABOUT THIS, THIS IS MY OTHER FAVORITE KATSUKI HAIR-COVERING-EYES PANEL.

oh no. he’s ruffling his own spiky fluffy hair. he’s tired and he’s beat up (and whose fault is that lmao) and he’s learning all kinds of new things about himself today. he’s got basically nothing left in the tank, but for the first time in ages he has his path laid out in front of him again and he knows the way to start moving forward. he has been absolved of his guilt, the guilt which was eating a hole away inside of him. and all of a sudden he realizes -- it occurs to him -- hey, All Might finally admitted it, he really did give his power to Deku. but it’s still a secret though, isn’t it? it’s important, isn’t it? and so he tells them, hey, look, I get it, I won’t say anything, you don’t have to worry. it’s partially gratitude -- he owes so much to All Might and it’s ridiculous, that’s a fucking debt right there, and this is the least and only thing he can offer right now in return -- and it’s partially just... the right thing to do. like, common sense. honorable and shit. and it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything. but just, let them know.

I love his side profile so much and I love his hair and his ear and the scuffs on his face and his beaten up hand and his hunched up shoulders and him being soft and trying not to show how soft he’s being and he is precious.

BONUS:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDS IN POCKETS GRUMPY TRIANGLE EYES ROVING FERAL HOG SON, I LOVE YOU.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #makeste reads bnha #HEAVEN #MUST BE MISSIN' AN ANGEL #MISSIN' ONE ANGELLLL CHILDDDD #[camera pans over to the feral toddler digging through trash while I sigh in fondness] #bnha meta #bakugou meta

[aaello-w]

You know... The more I learn about the todoroki's and where Endeavor is coming from specifically, I have come to terms that Enji is so painfully human. Then I also find my dislike for Touya only growing.

Of course, no one wants to be number 2 all their life but the moment he decided on a quirk marriage was where it all went wrong. Touya was right. He DID light that flame in him! Beating All Might WAS his purpose and for an immature superpowered kid promised the world one could see why he thought he was being thrown away.

Endeavor had the audacity to 'try again', calling Touya a mistake or a failure without words and without a little thing called foresight for the life he brought into their demanding world.

Touya's anger towards Shouto is also now understandable because without Shouto he could say there wasn't anything wrong with him. He could have been the perfectly fine one, not the perfect Shouto - the one his father 'loved'. His anger is understandable but not justified - its no one's fault they are freaking born.

So his hatred towards himself - since he continues to use his damaging quirk - which is self harm btw-- and the rest of his failure siblings, the parents that brought him here and the perfect son falls easily in line with the saying:

The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth.

And no one would really ever perceive Endeavor's actions or words as coming from a place of love - look at Shouto, Natsu and Rei. Though Rei admits that she did not have a handle on Touya as she should have.

I don't like Touya and neither do I sympathize with him because from what I've seen his driven by emotions of rage and refuses to see logic - If Endeavor continued to train him despite his quirk literally scarring him, that would be horrific child abuse and Enji wasn't like that yet- but then again no person who's not seriously mentally ill would behave like that.

I actually feel bad for Enji because he has the perfect quirk for going Pro Hero and as we have already seen with Bakugou- before he was somewhat humbled - He had probably been taught all his life that his power made him supreme and his overbearing nature would only become worse since he wasn't. He's a full grown man with those toxic thoughts and teaching built into his very foundation and had Yagi been younger Enji may have learnt what Bakugou did with Yagi as his Izuku.

If not subtle Horikoshi has beautiful talent in making what-could-have-been parallels.

Back to Touya - Aside from obvious reasons with Endeavor - Touya does not love his family and I have a sneaking suspicion that in chapter 302 or the next todoroki family chapter we will find that Endeavor gave him Dabi's signature scars not his quirk.

The reason? Because Touya as seen in Chapter 301 ending was about to seriously hurt a defenseless and blameless baby Shouto with the rest of their family as collateral damage as Enji was to watch. An overreaction with with a powerful flame quirk at the threat of an entire family's lives would be due.

Dabi took lives. Just because he wanted Endeavor to look devastated when Enji's only transgression to Touya was to tell him to stop hurting himself for a mission that even Endeavor agrees is not worth hurting himself over.

Touya, a kid - who grew up in a society where heroes are gods - at the time didn't understand but he's an adult now wallowing in tar black emotions for reasons that should make sense but don't. It wasn't like Enji abused him or ignored him.

It was messed up to continously have kids for his goal of surpassing All Might but Enji would not have Touya potentially killed over that. Hero business is unexpected and rough and with just the right villain Touya wouldn't stand a chance. The public wouldn't want to praise a hero who literally harms himself every time he uses his quirk.

He would NEVER surpass All Might and if Enji had allowed Touya to continue he would just become another Enji - though exponentially worse in his obsession to beat All Might - and Enji knew it.

Another parallel I'd like to draw would be between Touya and Izuku.

Izuku had nothing. He was told all his life that he couldn't do it for no other reason than he was quirkless but we all know damn well KNOW he would have clawed his way to Profesional Heroism without OFA. With OFA, yeah - he hurt himself but he learnt to control it. It wasn't a genetic problem or something he couldn't control. He could do it and he did.

Touya on the other hand had it switched up on him. A spotlight future's yes to a normal life's no. "No" wasn't a death sentence and with the Todoroki name as backing he could live a glamorous life as ANYTHING else but he chose to fly off the handle. He chose to become a murderer for no other reason that to hurt Endeavor's reputation and I think that's disgustingly petty.

Endeavor was no saint but Touya decided to be a devil.

And a devil has no friends.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #dabi #touya todoroki #endeavor #todoroki shoto #todoroki family #my rants #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #all might #B**CH wtf I wrote a WHOLE ESSAY

[repo-net]

This was originally just something I submitted for a friend after I lost a bet, but I decided I'd post this here too. This really isn't one of my best works since it's been a hot minute since I last played YTTD, but luckily the new chapter is coming out soon (it's already been released in the creator's pixiv fanbox for people to squash bugs in) and we just gotta wait for the public release and the translators do their work. Anyways.

--------------

The Mask I Put Up

“Welp, I’m off. You staying here, Alice?”

“I shall relax myself in this bath a little longer, it is an opportunity not often presented after all. You’re free to leave.”

“Not like I was plannin’ on staying anyways, wahaha. Enjoy the bath all to yourself.”

Alice Yabusame had a difficult life growing up; his mother forcing himself to be raised as a daughter because of some idea or trend that was going on, when he dictated that he was more at home with his masculinity. He was ready to be thrown out of the house when he confronted her that enough was enough, but in the end, his mother only gave him an uncaring and simple approval. To Alice, maybe that was enough. But he sometimes still thinks about that event to this day and what would’ve happened if he never retaliated.

Not to mention the time he really messed up and the event that caused his own family and fellow band members to remove him from their lives, his own mistake that still haunts him to this da-

“Hey, you seem pretty lost. Y’alright there?”

“Ah, yes, I am. I was simply lost in thought, please do not mind me.”

“If you say so.”

With a little bit of an awkward nod and thumbs-up, Keiji went back to getting himself dried and dressed. As the steam cleared and he watched as the only other person left with him; Keiji left the bathhouse, Alice was once again left alone to ponder on his own thoughts. Laying back onto the rock as he looked up at the ceiling, the former convict let out a sigh that was filled with nothing but exhaustion and worry. He needed to stop thinking about the past; nothing was going to change it, all he could do now was make sure he fixes everything up so that he can move forward in the present.

And maybe when this is all over, he and Reko can finally…

“Hey, bastard! What the hell are you still doing in here?”

“Gwah?! Rio Ranger, damn you! What the hell are you doing in the men’s bathroom?”

The frail doll let out a small noise which could only be described as a giggle, before taking off his hoodie and tossing it over to a nearby dry bench. 

“I’ve got my own priorities here, buddy! You can’t be hogging all the bath time for yourself, ya selfish prick! Besides, you should know already; I belong in this men’s bathroom as much as you, shouldn’t you know a thing or two about stuff like this already?”

“You goddamn…!”

Alice got up and was about to throw hands with the ginger doll, before the floor master threw one of his expression masks his way, hitting the taller man right near the eye.

“Hey now, settle down. I just saved your life there, don’t think you can just get away with trying to hurt a floor master. Are you trying to leave poor, helpless little Reko here all alone? Some kind of sibling you are.”

“Gh…”

Ranger simply responded to Alice’s clear discomfort with a mocking chuckle, then getting rid of the rest of his attire before cannonballing into the bath, sending hot water all around the area, splashing Alice on the way as well. 

“I give myself a 10/10 on that one! Thank you, thank you!” Ranger proudly said as he held a rather happy expression stick in front of his face, bowing to particularly no one.

“Are you… not a doll? How are you not malfunctioning or even getting harmed by the water? Actually, why are you even in here, you don’t even need washing!” Alice exclaimed as he pointed at the floor master.

“We literally kidnapped 20 of you here and not a single bastard on the outside noticed, you think they can’t make a perfectly waterproof doll like me? Idiot.” Ranger replied, putting his arms behind his neck as he laid against a rock, releasing a small noise that could probably be described as a sigh of relaxation.

“I suppose that’s true… but still, I feel disgusted to be in the same bath as scum like you. Again, you don’t even need a bath!”

“Yeah? And we didn’t need to give you one or have Safalin treat you guys either, but look how generous we’re being. Be thankful for the stuff you’ve been given. You guys are disposable as hell, we could always just throw you out whenever needed.”

That was a lie; Ranger knew that the participants were important as hell to the game and having it all flow naturally was part of the plan. After they were left with 12 participants, he and the other Floor Masters were tasked with getting at least 3 out every phase of the game, 1 for the Sub-Game and 2 or more for the Main Game, depending on the results. He knew that any deaths that would be caused outside of those sets were going to be his responsibility and his fault, and the last thing he wanted happening was to disappoint him.

“Right… great, now I don’t even want to be here anymore, I should’ve just followed the rest of the men when they left, now I’m stuck with this annoying, intolerable,-“

“Sexy, attractive, handsome-“

“I wasn’t done talking, stop trying to flatter yourself!”

“Ahahahahaha!” Ranger started cackling like a madman as soon as he saw Alice get pissed off at his antics again, that feeling of anger and negative emotion; it was something Ranger always felt glee at, the sadistic nature of him always enjoying that feeling of humans letting out all their frustrations. 

“Gh…! Fine, you desire to toy with me like this, to make me feel worse simply by being around you? Then I won’t let you have this satisfaction anymore, you problematic mess!”

“Awww, leaving so soon? But we were just getting started! What a killjoy. No wonder your sister tried to not associate herself with you anymore.’’

Alice grit his teeth at the incredibly low comment that Ranger had made, resisting all the desire in him to just scream and bend the doll’s body like it was a twig. He got up from the bath in fury, which only seemed to make Ranger enjoy his time in the bathhouse even more. Truth be told, the floor master did have a reason for being there in the bathhouse with the convict, but it was a reason that he wouldn’t admit, even to himself. That inferiority complex that he doesn’t even know he has wouldn’t allow of it, of course.

Ranger simply giggled sadistically as he watched Alice storm off to grab his clothes, still hiding his face behind one of his masks. He was about to close his eyes (well, as much eyes a doll like him could have), until he noticed in the corner of his eye. Alice picked up something. It was black, long, and something Ranger knew well.

That was one of his expression sticks. Specifically, the one he made that was to look like Kazumi Mishima.

“You said I couldn’t harm you physically, but what happens if I make you pay in another way? Take this, this is for trying to make a mockery of Nao Egokoro’s dear professor!”

And before he could even get a word out, Ranger watched as the former convict grabbed the mask by it’s edges and snapped it in half, the two pieces that left behind it falling with little trouble. 

“How’s that?! Don’t try to mess with me or my sister ever again, you cursed being!” Alice smugly smiled and proclaimed as he looked at Ranger’s expressionless face, before storming off and leaving the bathhouse with his clothes on, giving the dressup doll time to comprehend what had just happened.

He sat there in silence for a moment, before getting out of the hot steamy water that he couldn’t even feel as he walked over to where his expression stick had been left broken.

“…”

This was his way with dealing with being a doll. He knew he wasn’t as human as the other floor masters; so this was how he coped with and kept up with them, putting up masks that would make him feel more human because he was aware that he couldn’t do it himself. 

This guy that was one of the people who could die in this game just broke and snapped it right in front of him, in an act of pettiness to try and get back at all the low and disrespectful comments he made. 

It didn’t matter that Ranger could always just make one; the fact of the matter is and what’s important to him is that this guy actually just pulled that right in front of him with the intent to piss him off. And it didn’t matter how little it was, Ranger despised the idea of being one-upped by a human. 

Picking up what remained of his broken expression stick, Ranger held them before looking at the door that Alice had left by.

“Cursed being…? You don’t know who you’re trying to pick a fight with, you bastard... I’ll make sure you learn your goddamn place, shithead, don’t you ever mess with me...! It doesn’t matter which one it is now, I’ll make sure that a Yabusame doesn’t get out of this game alive… whether it be on the inside, or the outside…!”

With that declaration and plan in his mind, Ranger threw away the broken mask before drying himself as he put on his attire once more, ready to execute out a little plan he has for the future.

The Yabusames were on the top of his list now.

#yttd #your turn to die #rio ranger #alice yabusame #kimi ga shine

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

#I've seen the MRI #magnetic resonance imaging #brainstem #scarred #brain damage #adhd #attention deficit disorder; mental health research; children #ADHD brain #living with adhd #adhd woman #women with adhd #mental illness #neurodevelopment disorder #neurological disorder #brain disorder #about me #trauma #cptsd #complex ptsd #adjustment disorder #love language #complex trauma #dissociative identity disorder #trauma and adhd #trauma warrior #writing #tldr #mental health awareness #dbt therapy #therapy

[fuzziemutt]

Do You Understand?

Chapter 2/9 - Link to MasterList in reblog

Summary: Connor makes some really bad decisions...

Tw: Unhealthy thinking a lot of it from past trauma.

While making his (escape) way out, Connor noticed how the androids scrambled out of his path as if he'd bulldoze them over. He wasn’t the most liked android around, but he had been slowly gaining some trust after the countless acts he did in their kind’s name. However, he didn’t doubt he was quite the sight right now: LED blaring red, hands clenched in tight fists, legs moving in a quick stiff pace. A quick glance in a passing window confirmed that cold, hateful gaze was still there as well. He felt a bit bad that these innocent androids were indirectly facing his wrath, but he could barely contain the bubbling anger in his core. He just needed to get away from the others as fast as possible. 

He quickly hid himself in the automated taxi waiting outside for him. He is hiding even if he refuses to admit it because as soon as those doors closed, he felt that vengeful wrath suddenly drain out of him. He quickly curled up in the corner of the back seat and just held himself there for a few seconds. He felt so empty all of the sudden. Underneath all of that anger and hatred was this feeling of loneliness or sadness or whatever the hell he was feeling that seemed to be so overwhelming and as if it would engulf him whole any moment now. He felt hollow, maybe even fragile... ? No no not fragile, but something almost like that. He wondered if he’d cry if Cyberlife had gifted him tear ducts, but he knew even then no tears would fall. He never felt like much of a crier if given the chance if he was honest. Even with this new found feeling weighing him down, he reached for the control panel to order himself off to Hank’s address. 

He had started staying with Hank since that fateful morning at the Chicken Feed almost a year ago. It wasn’t like he had many places to stay given everything that happened and a warm couch was better than nothing. He didn’t feel like Hank liked him staying there as much as he tried to play it off and saying he enjoyed the company. He had been living by himself with Sumo for the past 3 years, Connor butting into his routines was most likely more hassle than it was worth. 

With a start, Connor realized that Hank would instantly know something was wrong given how he couldn’t seem to put himself together right now and the old man still had keen eyes. Connor did not want to deal with Hank right now. He knew his anger would flare right back up from all the times Hank did the same thing as his “friends”, and he desperately did not want to talk about how he just blew up on said “friends” in the middle of a meeting. In fact, he didn’t want to see anyone right now and it wasn’t like he had much privacy back at the house with no room to hide behind. 

Taking a deep breath, Connor was going to do something irrational and idiotic. Well.. is it still irrational if he knew how stupid of a decision this was? Well that doesn’t matter. He preconstructed that he would have a higher chance of avoiding everyone with his plan than by trying to return home like this and it would provide long term avoidance easily. With another hand placement, he set the car to change destinations to a park that no one would assume he would go to nor find him if they went searching. He needed some time to think his long term plan through before he set it all in motion and he needed Hank to not know what he was doing.

-

Catching a glimpse of his eyes in the window’s reflection confirmed that it seemed that gaze was here to stay until further notice. It reminded him of Amanda’s own frigid eyes that night all those months ago.. He ignored that thought. He got out of the taxi and found the nearest bench to plop himself down on. The air was already cold and the trees were hanging onto their remaining colorful leaves, but he wouldn’t be staying long enough for the cold to become an issue. 

Closing his eyes, he began searching for apartments that were near the DPD and not too far from New Jericho. Even if this whole mess was his fault arguably, he wasn’t just going to drop his responsibilities with both his jobs after a little tantrum. He was simply going to get an apartment. He could easily lock everyone out, hide away, refuse further company and not be forced to strain under the torrent of negative emotions he received from just looking at those who never took the time to understand him. Plus he can’t just keep mooching off Hank for as long as the human lived, he wouldn’t doubt Hank would have kicked him out as soon as Androids’ wages were more stable and livable along with more defined ownership laws. Which funds for an apartment shouldn’t be hard to make up, he was Cyberlife’s best hacker too. Would he need furniture-

His internal phone system cut his thoughts off, Hank. With a deep breath, he prepared himself for whatever might greet him.

“Hello, Lieutenant.”

“Hey Connor, I know you were meeting with the Jerinerds or whatever, but it’s getting a bit late, and you still haven’t gotten home....” the lingering question ‘are you okay?’ was there Connor recognized. 

“Yes, I’m fine, Hank. I decided after the meeting to take a walk to clear my head. We talked about some heavy topics with immediate consequences today, and I’m still processing ways to handle the situations adequately to ensure everyone can benefit,” the lie slipped off easily. Lying wasn’t hard when everyone assumed he just didn’t give a shit majority of the time. It’s also easy when you’re simply using the half truth as a base. 

“Okay…” okay maybe Connor was being a bit petty by purposely talking in such an excessive manner but he was feeling petty. Sue him. “Anyways, do you need me to come pick you up..?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine Hank. I’ll simply order a taxi to take me home when I’m ready. Don’t feel like you need to wait on me either, I’m unsure how long it will take me to come to a conclusion. We have work tomorrow as well, and I’d prefer not dragging you out of bed like last time.”

“Hey! It was you who took that phrase literally not me, you damn militarized nanny bot!” 

“Either way, head to bed Hank. I will see you in the morning,” and with that Connor ended the call and took another breath. 

Okay, now here’s to hoping none of the Jericho leaders and/or Nines tries contacting Hank and tipping him off that something wasn’t right. He knew the leaders had Hank’s number in case of emergencies, but it’s not like they idly chat with the grumpy old man in their spare time. Nines was a bigger threat, but Connor was hoping Nines was feeling too guilty or something to think to ask Hank about it. A terrible thought really, but Connor was banking on this if he wanted to move out as quietly as possible. 

Sure he was being like a child in trying to hide the broken plate he smashed by hiding away from everyone and literally secretly moving to an apartment overnight. But again, Connor never admitted to being good at this whole having emotions thing. Yes he hated how everyone assumed he didn’t understand what they were going through, but that was different from him admitting he wasn’t sure how to handle his own mess of emotions. 

-

He waited until it was well into the night to attempt going home. He needed to be sure Hank was certainly asleep. It wasn’t arguably imperative to his own personally made mission, but he still didn’t want to talk about anything that happened today if he could. 

Sneaking into the house wasn’t hard. Hank gave him a copy of his key about a week after Connor abruptly claimed his couch so he didn’t have to rely on Hank letting him in or breaking more windows. He shuffled his feet inside and made sure the door made as little noise as possible before creeping to the couch. He could hear faint snoring in the other room and relaxed the smallest amount before laying down and getting comfortable (after slipping off his shoes of course). 

His plan was already in action. After some easy rerouting and other certainly not legal things, he procured the money and necessary documents for an apartment and already sent in the application and deposit to an apartment that didn’t seem the worst price and condition. He could be glad about one thing with most things being digital nowadays that made this endeavor far easier especially in never mentioning he was an android. He managed to talk to the landlord and set everything up over the phone, saying he was simply stuck at work and not able to swing by for a physical one on one, he’d sign any necessary documents tomorrow. He also set up that he would be going there tomorrow after work to pick up the keys and move in. He was also glad that the landlord was so desperate for tenants after the revolution wiped out most of her customers with the evacuation. Connor wasn’t sure of her stance on androids, but she was willing to turn the other cheek on a lot of things such as Connor hesitating to say his last name was Stern so he took what he could get.

#i write #dbh #detroit: become human #connor rk800 #hank anderson #connor whump #connor angst

[ellewritesathing]

Is It Love?

Summary: Demons don’t fall in love, do they? Especially not with pretty baristas that haven’t any interest in them ... right?

Word-count: 2.3k+

Masterlist

A/N: kinda crazy to think that Infernal is finished for now?? but you guys really love my fluffy clay boi so here’s some straight up fluff that is so sweet you might get a toothache tbh

Demons didn’t fall in love. Depending on who you ask, they didn’t feel emotions at all, but Caliban knew that wasn’t true. Demons felt everything so intensely that they became bored of it. They were volatile, oscillating between highs and lows at the blink of an eye. Demons were Molotov cocktails of emotion, just waiting for something to ignite them. 

And then you fucked everything up. 

No, you said, you wouldn’t go out with him because you had a strict policy against dating bad boys that had been in place since your first year of college. As if you knew anything about how bad he was. He took the rejection and his coffee with a smile, before walking out the door and stealing the first BMW he could find. 

Was it cliche? Yes. 

Did it make some very satisfying groans as the metal wrapped around a tree? Also yes. 

At the time, he didn’t know why it bothered him so much that you’d said no to him. You were human. You weren’t even his type - just a pretty barista at the only cafe he could find that made his coffee strong enough without burning it. Maybe it was because the coffee only tasted right when you made it and he was just projecting. 

Maybe he was just full of shit.

Other than giving you his order, he didn’t say anything else to you for weeks. He was a demon but he wasn’t a prick after all. But one night, he was there later than usual, lost in the pages of his latest book, when you set a large to-go cup on his table. 

“Sorry, angel,” you said with a smile. It didn’t quite reach your tired eyes. “We’re closing now but here’s one to keep you warm out there.” 

“I must have lost track of time,” Caliban said as he closed the book and started to dig the wallet out of his jeans. 

“Don’t worry about it. I won’t tell my manager if you don’t,” you said, waving him off. Caliban tilted his head to the side and parted his lips to say something clever he had yet to come up with when you beat him to it. “You’re here all the time, Caliban. I think if we used punch cards you would’ve qualified for a free coffee a while ago.” 

“Well,” Caliban said. He had a funny feeling in his chest, and the worst part was that it didn’t make him feel like committing acts of vandalism. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; almost anything made him feel like vandalism. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” This time your smile did reach your eyes and you laughed to yourself before adding, “Literally, I guess.” 

The next time Caliban went to pick up his order, a little handmade punch card was waiting on top of his coffee for him, your handwriting scrawled over the top. Ten ridiculously overpriced cups of coffee later, and it was you and him alone in the coffee shop. He’d waited until the end of your shift, trying to get as close to that chance encounter of last week as he could. 

He held the punchcard between his index and middle finger as he flashed you a devilish smile. Catching your eye, he lowered the card to the counter and slid it across to you. “So what do I win?” 

“A free cup of closing shift coffee,” you said, turning to the machine and dipping your head to the side as you thought about something. “That you can drink here while I clean up, if you want.”

“A conversation with a pretty girl and a cup of coffee or the chilling walk back to my motorcycle.” Caliban pretended to think about it. “Whatever will I choose?”

You laughed from behind the counter and rolled your eyes. “Settle down there, James Dean.” 

Instead of trying to say something witty, Caliban obediently pulled a chair up to the counter. He watched as you worked, not minding the attention he gave you as you did. Hands quick and nimble, relying more on muscle memory than active thought to work the machine. 

Over one very strong, very black coffee, he learned that you’d never left Greendale but you were working at the coffee shop to save enough money to leave one day. You learned that he’d been all over, and your face lit up whenever he answered your questions the way you’d hoped. As you cleaned the machines and he swept the floor, he told you about his favorite books and you told him about yours. You talked about music and the best hypothetical name for an indie band that only wrote songs about caffeinated drinks. 

(The Transient Coffee Beans was your best pick, The Bland Bastards was his.)

The tightening in his chest when you locked up the store made him want to set something on fire. He didn’t like these feelings - they were insufferably human - and he needed to do something explosive to get rid of them, or at least that’s what he told himself when you turned to give him another smile. You let him walk you to your car, cursing the cold but refusing to use the jacket he offered you. 

“No, no, no, no, no,” you groaned, kneeling next to your car. You felt around the deflated-looking tire and pulled out your dust-covered hands after a few minutes. Looking ready to cry, you turned and sat on the parking lot floor, back against the tire and head tilted up to the night sky. 

Caliban didn’t know what to say. Demons weren’t known for their empathetic listening skills, and it wasn’t like he’d ever tried to comfort anyone before. “Do you have a spare tire?” he asked when his horrible feelings started eating at his stomach in the silence. 

“This is my spare tire.” Weeks, maybe months, of seeing you working with the most high-strung customers and borderline incompetent trainees and Caliban had never heard your voice sound so strained. You took a deep breath and looked over at him. “You don’t have to stay here, you know. I can take care of myself.” 

“I don’t doubt that,” Caliban said, shooting you a smile that was very carefully lazy and mischievous. It made you laugh. It made him feel gut-punched. “If you want, my motorcycle’s right around the corner. I could take you home and you could fix all this out in the morning light.” 

Your eyes narrowed slightly in a way he’d never seen in the coffee shop. He tried not to seem affected. “What’s in it for you?” 

Caliban shrugged, looking around. “Another fifteen minutes with you.” 

You thought about it for a second before shaking your head and holding your hands up to him to pull you up. You weren’t even a breath away now. “Don’t crash into anything or I’m going to start spitting in your coffee.” 

“Deal.”

You absolutely obliterated Caliban with questions before you’d even take the helmet from him. Nervousness was a cute look on you, as was the slightly lopsided helmet on your head. Caliban’s fingers lingered slightly under your chin after tightening the strap for you, but all you did was smile before climbing on the seat behind him. 

Your arms wrapped hesitantly around his waist, but your grip tightened as soon as he pulled off. Every time he sped up or took a turn, Caliban felt your arms snug around him. It was a dangerous line to drive between reckless enough to keep you close and so reckless that you’d let go and never come back. 

It was pathetic. 

At one of the lights, Caliban stole a moment to look down at your hands. His shirt was wrinkled into bunches around your deathly tight fingers. You consciously relaxed them and sighed behind him, resting your head on his shoulder for a moment. It made his heart skip a beat. 

Like he was in a goddamned schoolboy fantasy. 

You were shaky as you climbed off the bike, clumsily getting to your feet and fiddling with the strap under your chin. Caliban didn’t say a word as you handed the helmet back to him; he was too busy staring at your helmet hair. The word ‘adorable’ came to mind, as did ‘arson’ and ‘absinthe’. 

“Well, thanks, James Dean,” you exhaled when he took the helmet from you, hands touching on the underside. “I might get flat tires more often.” 

“I do have a name, you know,” Caliban said with a not so carefully crafted smile. 

“I know. Quintuple shot espresso, no flavor shots or cream and, for the love of Mary, don’t ask if he’s sure,” you said, with a not so carefully crafted smile of your own. “At least, that’s what I tell the trainees.” 

“Bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?” 

You laughed and rolled your eyes as you started taking steps back to your apartment building. “I’ll see you around, Caliban.” 

Demons didn’t fall in love, that’s what everyone in Hell always said. But Caliban had left that life of torment and punishment behind for the mundane life of making art and committing crime. Any sort of thrill to dust off the familiar rush of adrenaline and ignite some sort of emotion. 

And then you fucked everything up. 

Okay, you said one day as you set his coffee in front of him, here was the deal: you’d go out with him, he’d pick you up at seven but if he was even a minute late then the whole thing was off. He said he understood, thanked you for the coffee, and jumped off the first bridge he could find (sure to teleport before crashing into the river below). 

He knew full well why the jumps and petty crime didn’t make him feel better. For one, they were shit coping mechanisms, but, more importantly, the feelings he had for you couldn’t be extinguished like a kitchen fire. 

His feelings were gasoline and you were a raging fire. 

They burnt bright and hot when you held his hand. Red-hot and violent when you kissed him. Sickeningly electric when your fingers traced his scars and told him he was beautiful. If demons didn’t fall in love, then what the fuck was happening to him? 

What was happening when you held him at night when he couldn’t sleep? (Butterflies. Or a heart attack, more likely). What was happening when you hid your face away every time he asked to paint you? (Stubbornness. He painted you anyway). What was happening when you drank a cup of coffee he made you and tried not to spit it up so as not to hurt his feelings? (Laughter. Also a promise to never, ever make another cup of coffee again). 

And what, if you excuse his language, the absolute fuck was happening to him now that you were away, visiting your family for a few days? 

He’d never been this restless in Hell. 

In Hell, he’d build a sandcastle just to smash it to bits if he got riled up. He’d find some poor soul to torment. He would never, ever cut the sleeves off his shirts just to burn the leftover scraps. He wouldn’t spend hours molding the perfect pottery piece just to break it back down to a lump of clay. And he sure as anything would never, ever drink this much coffee and eat this much takeout. 

It was embarrassing. It was unsightly. It was so very human.

And yet none of the dumb yet legal things he did got his mind off missing you - the only solace he got was the nightly video-chat you shared. He was absolutely disgusting. No better than the foolish lovers that washed up on his shores, joined at the wrists and praying for eternity. 

Not that he was thinking about eternity. 

Not that he was thinking about much of anything when he heard the door click open and a duffel bag drag across the floor of your joint apartment. 

Caliban tossed the book to the side as he threw his legs over the sides of the couch. You were complaining as you made your way to him - could he believe the amount of traffic at this time of day? Jesus, he’d think it was the Second Coming with all the fleeing out of the city - but Caliban didn’t care. Messy hair, wrinkled clothes, snarky upper lip; you were perfect. 

And you were home. 

He wrapped his arms around your waist and twirled you around the tiny apartment, accidentally knocking the table that marked the entryway in the process. Your arms tightened around his neck as you pressed a kiss to his temple before turning to check that it was only the keys that landed on the floor in his frantic need to be held. 

“Woah, calm down, James Dean,” you laughed when he eased you back down to your feet. “I wasn’t even gone for a full week.” You ran a hand through his matted curls and Caliban could swear he’d never felt more at peace. “Miss me that much, huh?” 

“Hard to find a decent cup of coffee when you’re not around,” Caliban mumbled, lips grazing yours as he leaned his forehead on yours. 

You rolled your eyes at his dramatics but didn’t pull away. Instead, you moved your hands to either side of his neck and pulled him closer. “I missed you too,” you admitted after giving him the kiss he’d spent days thinking about. You took his hand in yours and led him to the kitchen. “Let’s make you that cup of coffee before the world ends.” 

No, Caliban thought to himself as he watched your tired hands work a machine of a job you’d long-ago quit, demons didn’t fall in love. 

Luckily for him, when he was with you, he was something else entirely.

Tag List:  @caliban-is-my-girl  @t-a-i-l-o-r-m-a-d-e​  @music-movies  @miss--moose​  @marrypuffsstuff​  @harryscarolinaa​  @igorsbby​  @foji2000​  @mschfavngz​  @artaxerxesthegreat​  @thxmagic​  @luquincy  @strawberriesandknives​  @xealia​  @hotmessindisguise​  @olivia-west-allen  @sweetrogers​  @reheated-coffee​  @shelby-x​  @perseny-blog​  @millie-753​  @luneerius​  @shizzybarnaclee​  @lettherebelovex​

#caliban #caliban imagine #caliban x reader #caos #chilling adventures of sabrina #is it love?

[lambourngb]

Get me out of here - places to go when canon is complicated

It’s Day 3, time to celebrate those stories that I turn to when I can’t deal with canon, or when I don’t have the emotional energy to untangle all the emotions I have for what’s going on in canon. Alternative universes, the safe harbor for us. Below are a mix of rewrites of canon, remixes of canon, or out right not even set in Roswell- to fill every type distance you want from canon- from near to far.

The first story I’m reccing is a long one,- so pardon the very long review below.

my love is a life taker by @jocarthage (267,600) So one day, Jessi popped into discord to share a dream she had about timetravel and being able to save yourself in the past basically, particularly Alex getting to give his baby-self a hug, and we all went, “holy shit that’s a cool fic idea please write it!” and really reality sucks right now with quarantine and whatnot, so what better thing to do than follow a WIP? I can’t tell you how badly I needed to something to look forward to as I was staring down a milestone birthday with all my plans in tatters, and this story filled the void.

Okay- now about the actual story itself, the world building about time travel in this is incredible but easy to absorb. Jessi dumps you straight into the action in chapter 1 with Alex, at 28, assassinating an Iraqi intelligence agent in 2009 that averts a bomb that was planned on US forces. You learn so much about both the story-universe and Alex here- one, that even dressed in mask and killing someone, Alex is kind and uses morphine as an overdose and has arranged for his victim’s family to be compensated, you learn that time agents can only visit places they themselves have visited during that time, and Jesse Manes had dragged his son, who was ‘time aware’ to every place of war and ruin on the planet before he was 18 and that, Alex’s victim, even as he’s dying, recognizes what a shit childhood Alex had but that Alex doesn’t.

The next part is where Alex’s time crystal malfunctions, instead of returning him to 2018, it takes him to 1998 where an 8 year old Michael is getting beaten by his foster dad and Alex, out of his time line mysteriously, visible to only Michael, saves him, but only temporarily. We all know with abusers, until you’re out of the house, it’s just a matter of time before the next beating. However, with one act, Alex at 28 starts putting into action (even though he doesn’t recognize it at the time) the steps to save his own life as he works to save Michael from his childhood. Each mission, each jump through time, Alex meets Michael, always a year apart and only for 1000 seconds, or almost 17 minutes. Jessi takes you through some of the darkest points of US foreign policy, only as Alex takes control of his life, he also starts to change the missions, and change the world. The details of places, people, food, etc are authentic from the author’s experience, if you don’t click on the links at the end of the chapters and disappear down google-rabbit holes about the events in history, well- you’re made of stronger stuff than I am.  There are lots of heavy subjects discussed, but there’s always care and honesty behind the intent. The way Michael grows, the way Alex grows, and of course the journey to the present time when they could be together? It’s like pining on steroids but it’s so wonderful. I wish I could pull out one thing that I loved in particular in this story- but it’s impossible, only to say that I love that I could disappear completely within the confines of ‘my love is a life taker’ knowing that I would be kept safe by the author, that goodness prevails.


when I’m oceans away by @neapeaikea (28,000) this is a post-2008 shed canon-divergent AU where Alex Manes, after the best/worst night of his life bolts from Roswell and leaves Michael behind. 10 years later, on the hunt for a child conceived at Caulfield, Michael walks into a youth home in California and finds Alex. A few things, I love that this author writes an Alex who didn’t join the Air Force but still lost a leg, I don’t really enjoy disability erasure in modern AUs (I’m better at looking past that in historical or sci fi aus) . It’s pretty clear after five minutes that the connection between the two men is still there and strong despite anger, secrets and guilt. The teasing and flirting between them is great but so is the acceptance of baring their vulnerabilities. I loved the care they take with each other, and the tie in to an alien child is just so perfect.

Crucibles (series) @ninswhimsy (9,000)- I’m cheating and naming both here, but obviously nin had her finger on the pulse of fandom, by writing crusade-set queer stories before The Old Guard ever boomed into a fandom from the movie. I was lucky enough to trade DMs over the ideas of holiness and the body, and how Alex would have treated himself, certain of his doomed soul, and how Michael would have responded in turn. It’s no secret I love everything Nin writes, but this series stuck in my mind. I will be drifting off to sleep, and think about Alex walking through the ancient city of Aleppo, ready to be done with his burden and Michael there with soft palms and scented oil, and boom! I reach for my kindle to re-read it.

no regrets if we walk this new road by @andrea-lyn (97,000) This author has written so many amazing AUs, some quite far away from canon events like her Mummy AU or her Avengers AU, but I have to say, I have a very soft-spot for this rewrite of season 1 for a lot of reasons. I mean, it’s 2020, so my appetite for Cop!Max is definitely at an all-time low, so the idea of exchanging his job with Kyle’s was extremely appealing. At least Kyle is a POC holding the badge, not a white man like our canon. Anyway, politics aside, this story is special to me for the scorching good Isobel/Kyle relationship that develops, the way Isobel sharpens herself into a lawyer (not an event planner) and how Michael rounds his own edges off in turn by becoming a teacher (and being secretly married).  Each deviation from canon made complete sense once you alter the way Rosa’s death affects the pod squad, and how they covered it up ripples out toward Liz, Kyle, etc. 


Layer on layer, down on down by @dotsayers (9,440) I love sci-fi tropes, especially time-loops, but they are incredibly hard to write (I know, I abandoned mine a while ago) so this story stands out because of just how well done the execution is and also the angst. Michael in a time loop about Caulfield, like how great/agonizing is that? The plot is so good, how it ties into Caulfield and why it happens in the first place, like wow.  The care, and the hurt, and the fatigue that Michael has in this story, oh you just want to wrap him in a blanket. There’s a tiny throwaway line about how one of the first things Michael learned to do in foster care was to make himself heavy and unmovable- and you instantly picture kid!Michael not wanting to be removed from a house - like my heart broke! The structure of the story, with the background of his just how much he loves Alex but how badly it hurts to see him die, really makes this study of 1x12 special. Along with all the angst, there’s tiny gallows humor lines, so am I weird, that I laughed through a couple of these scenes even as Michael kept dying?

Petty pace by @aewriting (11,600) Aewriting has a couple of stellar AUs, so trying to pick just one was difficult, but I rather feel this story is sadly underappreciated it (mind the tags). It was a remix of @iwontbeyourmedicine ‘s fantastic ‘Freaky Friday’, where the humans and aliens swap roles. Alex in the role of Michael basically was something I had never pictured until Ly wrote that story, and now feel utterly changed by it, especially with this backstory- the idea of Jesse Manes bringing a foster child home? Incredibly well done because there’s an off the charts level of menace in this story. The way Jesse watches Alex, who at first mistakes it for how a pedophile might size up a victim, but then catches on quickly that it’s so much worse in a lot of ways. And Alex is such a loner in the beginning, even as he reconnects with his pod siblings Liz and Maria, he’s still planning on keeping his head down and leaving Roswell far behind. Like freedom is literally the only thing he can conceive of for himself, no real dreams outside of that until Michael slips under his defenses. I probably could have saved this story for angst day- because the second half of the story, if you don’t sob while you read it, then I dunno. It’s helpful to read Ly’s story right afterward as a reminder that things do get better for Alex ten years later. In a lot of ways this story is sadder than canon (though there’s no murder of Rosa/4th alien), I’m comforted that at least Alex has Liz in the aftermath, alike in heartache in a way that Michael didn’t have because of the pact he and Max made about Isobel in canon.

Unexpected tidings by @bestillmyslashyheart (24,800) Another rewrite of canon, that explores a couple of very interesting questions, like what would it look like if Michael never made it back to Roswell as a kid but met Alex by chance in 2008? Imagine the cornerstone of the Lost Decade love affair revolving around the mundane questions of a long distance relationship that wasn’t built on the pain of the shed or Rosa’s death? Marlo writes an amazing take on this, that is both real and deep with the normal couple problems, before introducing that spanner in the works of oh yeah, aliens are real. With Michael on the east coast, and Alex finishing off his service in Roswell, Project Shepherd still entangles Alex with Liz bringing him in on the secret in hopes that with his hacker skills he can track down the third alien child that Max and Iz remember so they can warn him. As interesting as the current plot was, I found myself absolutely revitted the slow piecemeal reveals that Marlo doled out about Alex and Michael’s relationship over time. (I also while rereading this recently got very nostaglic for season 1 Alex who didn’t trust Jesse as far as he could toss him.) 

Don’t Punish Me For What I Feel by @winged-fool (3,600) Tarsus IV AU - another wonderful author with a catalog of great AUs, both sci-fi and dark, and honestly it was difficult to narrow it down to one. This story, well in 2009 I was a hard core Trek movie fan, so when I saw a trek-fusion story appear, I knew I would love it just on that basis. The thing is, this gave me Michael as the Captain, a surprisingly rare role for these space fusions, even though genius level repeat offender Jim Kirk and genius level repeat offender Michael Guerin seems pretty married in my mind as a connection. As a Tarsus-like story, all the tags are well earned by the story that Alex finally shares with Michael. It hit on so many levels, the hurt/comfort level for sure, but also to have a story where Michael is this stalwart protector of Alex was really nice to find. 

this isn’t the ‘holiday best friends championship’ by @usbournejez (6,090) alright to leave this on a lighter note, my final AU rec is this masterpiece by Kieran that was part of Malex Secret Santa gift fics- and what a gift it was to all of us! The way she writes established Malex is first-rate, because she always includes their canon-levels of snark/sharpness but it’s never directed at each other and that’s something I love. Here we have Alex, where we learn in just a few short lines, is a huge control freak but has the extremely big emotional handicap, and that’s his love/fondness/deserve to caretake Michael. Emotional cactus Alex who is soft for Michael? Love it. There are small drops of angsty backstory peppered in this, but really that just fuels just how sweet and wonderful the main theme of the story- which is Alex might hate the whole world at large, he loves, protects and worships Michael (and vice versa). As someone who can bake cookies, but that’s about it, I was still enthralled with the baking details and this story has never failed to encourage me to eat dessert before dinner basically. 

#rnmcreate2020 #malex fic #roswell new mexico #malex fic rec #malex #MALEX FEELS #michael guerin #alex manes #fandom positivity #worship our great authors in this fandom #can we pretend it's Wednesday? #a day late and a dollar short #working on today's now!