You know I’m not a lesbian but sad sapphic songs really rip open that wound in my chest so softly that no other music does
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on yearning:
i spend all my energy thinking of you. the way we touched. the way we danced. the way we almost kissed, but didn’t.
it always pinches a nerve when straight girls go on about how much easier it must be to be gay, how hetero relationships are so complicated, but sapphic relationships must be so easy. the truth is, i can’t imagine a more difficult thing.
how can the divine feminine be in love with mother nature herself and it not be complicated? women feel. the feel so deeply it hurts. but most keep it inside, at least i do. i feel so intensely i feel to my own detriment. i sit on those feelings and let them fester and expand and rot and flourish inside me all the time. it kills me to live the way i do, and maybe it’s because im too shy, or too aggressive, or too ugly, but the opportunity for me to love doesn’t arise often.
so, when it comes, i treat it as a welcome guest. i lay the table and wait with open arms for a feeling i know will completely consume me. at this point, its expected, and yet i still look forward to it.
it’s crazy how one person can take up so much of my mind. do you know how you affect me? even a year later you’re all i think of. it’s a different kind of pain missing something you never really had. what makes it worse is she probably did know, but neither of us addressed it.
i still remember the day we had to say goodbye, i’d had it planned for months: you’d walk me to the train station, i’d buy a ticket for Bergamo, and when my train arrived i’d look you in the eye, tell you how long i’d been waiting for this, pull you in, and kiss you. but we’d accidentally stayed too long at the cafe, we ran into friends at the park, we had to run for the station. the only thing i could manage was to hug you. how long did we hold each other? a minute? 5 minutes? 10? all i knew is that my eyes were growing wet, and finally they overflowed when you squeezed down.
-when YOU squeezed down. right in the small of my back. you never initiate, but YOU took initiative. usually you just go along with what i start, you always made me worry i would push your boundaries, but you never stopped me. i wonder how i could’ve gone before you stopped me. maybe you’re like me, wanting the other to confirm before you try something new,-
when you held firmly down you gave me just enough to confidence to whisper through a red face and runny nose “facciamo come gli italiani, due bacini sulle guance” and so that’s how it ended. two kissed on the cheeks and wiping away my own tears, wishing it had been your hands on my face. your hand in my hand. your lips on my lips. your laugh in my mind. instead it was silence.
i didn’t look back when i stepped in the train. i sat opposite the platform so i wouldn’t have to see you, instead i saw the replication of my own embarrassment, incompetence, and shame as i knew i would never see you again.
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WE WERE WRECKS BEFOREEE WE CRASHED INTO EACHOTHERr r..r.r r. r
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