#opposite style coping mechanisms for the men

[alullinchaos]

a rant essay on mamiya/anthy/akio

mandatory spoiler warning for the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, at the very least up through Episode 23, but honestly for the entire series

anyways. this is not a premeditated rant but it's something I haven't really seen anyone comment on before (and as an avid consumer of analyses/essays on RGU, that's saying something). throughout the black rose arc, we see anthy-as-mamiya several times. what I find interesting is, funnily enough, the hair color. hair color is something very important in utena, because no two characters really have the same color. shiori's purple and anthy's purple and akio's purple are all distinctly different shades. same as how miki and kozue, twins, have different shades of blue (i would even personally call kozue's hair indigo, not blue). even within the black rose arc, mikage and utena are different shades of pink. the only two important characters to share an exact hair color are akio and anthy's mamiya. one could claim that it's because akio and anthy are related, but their hair colors differ much more in reality, and anthy's mamiya is supposed to be a disguise. so, what gives?

my personal interpretation is that it's meant to be demeaning. anthy is pretending to be a boy, but in comparison to akio, she's small. a child. if you compare anthy's mamiya to dios, the hair is remarkably similar. dios was a weak child who overexpended himself trying to do what he couldn't- in this situation, because mamiya was terminally ill, that thing is live. anthy can't do that either, so of course she can play the role of someone in constant pain! she's being stabbed by swords!

it's not just a way of portraying akio seeing anthy as inferior to himself, though (hello, misogynists saying for years that women are just Missing what men have). it also reveals something about akio that isn't often talked about, I think. if anthy!mamiya's hair is meant to portray a connection to akio/dios, and mamiya is an illusion, then what does that say about akio?

let me put it another way: I did mention that "the hair is remarkably similar between anthy's mamiya and dios" but I meant the style. the thing I left out in my hair color match up is that if anthy!mamiya's hair matches akio's, it must also match dios. i know that's a "no shit, sherlock" moment because dios and akio are the same person but if anthy's mamiya and dios are incredibly similar, then they must also share that with akio. akio is portrayed as the opposite of dios; dios was the perfect prince, and akio is merely playing at it. akio is a horrible person, there's no doubt about that. but if dios was an illusion- something unreal, unsustainable, something fake- and mamiya was the same- then akio must be too. akio himself is an illusion. the planetarium projects the castle into the sky, and whatever the adult dios actually looks like, that's who's projecting akio. anthy did successfully save him, that's how he could continue to have so much power. but he's locked away in his coffin, and we don't even know what he looks like. tl;dr anthy pretending to be mamiya can be interpreted to mean that akio isn't real in a sense either i mean, seriously, who names themselves after Lucifer casually? it kind of has the same energy as Nick from Zootopia- "If I can't be the good guy, I'll be the worst guy you've ever seen. I'll be what you're telling me I am." naturally, Nick from Zootopia has some moral fiber, and it's questionable whether Dios ever had any, but that's a question for another day. what I mean is to say that Akio being like That is just his centuries-long maladaptive coping mechanism. unfortunately for him, he's not in a position where anyone would want to save him and brush off the heap of shit to find what would amount to, at best, a shitty mall "gemstone" underneath. could we have known/assumed some of this from the rest of the show? yes, we could have. i mostly find this so interesting because the distinction between the real person (character) in the coffin and the shell walking around the academy aren't often differentiated. i think the difference matters, and that it applies to everyone, even akio. I emphasize that I don't think Akio is a good person. I don't even know if I'd consider him redeemable, because Anthy's salvation comes in that he was tugging her strings to make her do awful things and put victims in his path. Then again, no character in Utena is really innocent. 🤷‍♀️ also I apologize if this is completely nonsensical! if anyone else has talked about the parallels between mamiya & dios, or this entire subject, I'd love to know

#revolutionary girl utena #shoujo kakumei utena #rgu #rgu analysis #utena #mamiya chida #anthy himemiya #akio ohtori #rgu spoilers #sku

[xxoxobree]

hi angel, i’ve been really into matchups recently — a coping mechanism for how stressed uni has me. i’d love a matchup with one of the jjk men please? i do have a favourite, and i do have a type…so i’m curious to see who i’d be matched with. i’m a leo stellium — leo sun/rising/mercury/mars w/ a pisces moon and a virgo venus. i’m also an enfp. i’m a bit of a firecracker. passionate and intense, feisty and emotional, spoiled and demanding, principled and loyal and incredibly romantic. i’d like to think i’m brave. i’m not afraid to fight for what i believe in. i’m also the eldest daughter, and a bit of a perfectionist. i’m a huge city girl, and i enjoy reading, writing, shopping, and curating hyper-specific Spotify playlists. i also love doing my skincare and makeup, and have an extensive shower and self-care routine that gives me almost the same benefits as therapy does. i adore late night drives, sunny but cold weather, the mountains, and the city lights. i grew up amongst skyscrapers, and i couldn’t live without them. my favourite way to spend a night out is with my girlfriends, going from one swanky bar to the next, exploring new restaurants, giggling and gossiping the entire time. i’m not a big fan of the outdoors, or of bugs, lizards, amphibians, stinginess, and indecision. i talk a lot, i love talking. i suppose it’s why i tend to gravitate to people opposite from me. my best friends are both introverts and i’ve always had a thing for quieter men. i’m still discovering my style but i know i like stuff that’s bolder and a little glamorous. i’m a huge bootcut jeans girl. i only really wear gold jewellery, but i’m trying to mix metals at the moment. thank you so much. x

Oh girl 🫢😭 I wanna be your friend, you seem sooo fun..

It’s Giving Princess Satoru

Gossip sessions with him could you imagine his input ? 😂😂😂

Spoiled and demanding ? No problem anything you want it’s yours. Maybe he’ll make you beg just a little bit for the fun of it.

Gojo is a Sagittarius tho (Sag gang ♐️🤪) so it’d be interesting to see two fire signs together, maybe you two would burn each other out ?

Cherishes your loyalty and appreciates you so much for being there for him. Rewards you for it (Geto ptsd.)

Let’s you do skin care on him, will remind you to do the skin care routine on him.

Will walk with you to see the city lights, loves the, too.

Loves that you have a good moral compass and sense of self, will ask you your opinion on everything before he makes big decisions. Ask your opinion on random stuff to just to make sure what he thinks is normal.

Will put in effort and go the extra miles when it comes to dates. It’s an ego stroke when you tell him how great the night was.

Probably doesn’t listen to a lot of music so he does take your suggestions on songs will talk to you about the songs after he’s listened.

He WILL, be one of the girls and go bar hopping with you if you let him, but he’s fun so no one minds that he’s there

#xxoxo updates

[ruminate88]

”The Tears I Couldn’t Cry”

If my last relationship was turned into a movie…… I would title it “The tears I couldn’t cry“. (This is just an idea for fun)

this is how the movie would play out….

Starting out *Hot and Cold by Katy Perry plays in background* the first scene is set in a college dorm room of a sophomore who is 19 years old named Crew. Crew is a movie buff and a book warm. He’s studying in pre-med to be a doctor. He’s in a fraternity and he’s very charismatic with strict parents; including a controlling mother who tries to monitor his every word and decision. That’s only his facade though. In reality, Crew is emotionally immature, he has personality disorders and is avoidant in all his relationships, he was smothered by his mom growing up but also emotionally neglected by his dad, teaching him it’s wrong to have emotions and to manipulate to get his way in life. Crew is someone who is secretly insecure in his masculinity, he always feels threatened by other men and is actually studying anthropology to be a geologist one day(not a doctor). He’s got a high GPA but he’s a womanizer at heart. He can’t feel good enough for one high valued woman, so he chases multiple women out of his league and manipulates them emotionally to feel superior and to make believe the facade that he too has a lot to offer someone. (Such as a doctor) His prey is older women who are extremely empathetic and he gives them his sob story of strict parents and a controlling mother to gain empathy and potential hook ups from these women.

During this opening scene, you can see Crew texting an older woman named Christy he matched with on a dating app, while he is also texting countless other women too. A potential hook up one day in his eyes. Her name is Christy. She’s 25 and lives in the next state over, 2 hours away. Christy is also a movie buff. Christy is a nanny for a family of 4 but secretly wants to be a movie director some day. Having an empathetic and almost motherly personality. It makes her naturally warm and caring plus she’s an hopeless romantic. Her attraction to Crew is that he loves movies like she does. Crew has a handsome appearance and an ability to recognize her warm, motherly nature. The physical attraction between the two is organic although filled with holes. His childhood trauma story he gives her, of having an controlled and strict upbringing, followed by being the “golden child” tugs on Christy’s empathetic heart and compels her to feel sorry for him and even feel needed by him. Christy has just been ghosted by a previous boyfriend, whom had many personality disorders, 6 months before meeting Crew and has unhealed trauma she doesn’t know how to process or deal with. Christy believes Crew is different from her ex. She has learned an anxious attachment coping mechanism unknowingly at first and finds herself depending on Crew in an unhealthy way. They will go from texting to their first FaceTime. Growing attraction and a potential relationship.

However, both Crew and Christy are unaware of their relationship styles despite actions and feelings. Crew sees the world and someone like Christy as being “put together” and successful; consistently seeing himself as a failure. That’s something he strives for; to be a better human as someone like Christy who takes care of these kids but Crew continues to stand in his own way with his self doubts, his immature and rebellious ways and ruins every relationship he has. For Christy, she has not learned to stand on her own two feet yet despite being a nanny, caring for children and has always leaned on the opposite sex to “save her” and to give her worth and validation. Christy instantly takes on Crew’s college party life and facade to make herself feel young again and Crew feeds off of Christy’s empathy and praise to make himself feel better even though he knows he’s wearing a mask with Christy. Both Crew and Christy battle self-worth and validation. The two are the same accept Christy is overly emotional while Crew struggles to be emotional at all since he was neglected emotions from his dad as a child. You’ll watch Crew and Christy start a long distance relationship.

Throughout this story line, you see Christy struggling in her image thinking she can’t compete with all the sorority girls Crew sees at school, trying to gain Crew’s approval of her while Crew balances the many women he’s talking to, also trying to find a place to land that makes sense to him. He makes Christy believe she’s special and that shes the only girl in his life so she’ll continue to flirt with him and feed him the attention he’s so desperate for. As the two continue chatting over text from different locations, words easily get misconstrued. There’s lack of empathy, unmet expectations and often phone signals get dropped, leaving messages in space. Crew fights to keep his facade through all the frustrations that come with an online relationship and Christy works hard to feel loved by Crew, yet he says very romantic lines and uses famous quotes to woo her. His actions doesn’t line up with his words. There will be scenes where Christy is isolated away from family and the kids she takes care of, with her phone and trying to desperately figure Crew out. Looking over his social media and older conversations with him.

Crew lives his college life in a fraternity, surrounded by sorority girls and popularity but inside he’s fueled by feeling he can’t accomplish everything he’s supposed to. Crew continues to hold this text relationship with Christy to keep a constant support and validation but doesn’t have intentions to actually meet her meanwhile telling her she’s his girlfriend. Christy on the other hand, feels she’s getting older and she’s lonely. Busy being a nanny of 4, her days are filled with cartoons, making lunches, missing bus rides, lots of homework and a desire to have her own kids eventually plus her secret dream to direct movies, watching movies in her free time. Would Christy and Crew be one day a true love story on the big screen? Christy is captivated by Crew’s ability to flirt with her, despite his age and it makes her hungry to continue to text him but she fears his intentions and if they’ll ever meet or truly be together. Crew pretends to be intelligent and above Christy’s class even. (Yet Crew knows he’s got issues he can’t share with Christy. He doesn’t want to scare her off.)

Throughout the movie there will have various scenes of the two living separate lives; Crew going to classes but texting Christy during it, studying in his dorm, getting her selfies and going to fraternity parties, trying to hook up with girls, walking home drunk texting Christy in the middle of the night. At times Crew doesn’t respond for days. Christy; waiting up for Crew’s text crying next to her phone. Tired the next day, worried Crew is cheating. Taking care of the kids and creating all kinds of movie trailer scenarios in her mind involving Crew romantically and dramatically. Both Crew and Cristy texting, talking movies and books, sharing famous quotes with each other but also the occasional personality changes within Crew causing fear, arguments and showing the contrasts of how different the two styles are together in a relationship: Avoidant versus Anxious Attacthment. You can see flirtation and intense attraction unfold between the two, both of them sending selfies but also having very intense conversations involving Crew’s emotional immaturity and manipulative behavior too. The highs and the lows. The inconsistency in Crew’s words against Christy’s grappling and desperation for romance and the potential of the relationship resulting in marriage and kids with Crew. Crew’s expectation in a potential hook up even though he can see Christy will want more and Christy expects the relationship to grow, despite red flags that subtly keep hinting Crew isn’t genuine in their connection and that he suffers personality disorders.

The movie will eventually display the final heartbreaking truth. Christy will finally come to the realization of the relationship and its fatality. She will become emotionally drained within her efforts to grow the relationship but it goes no where. Christy begins to question when they will meet in person and go on a date. Crew will discover his facade is falling apart, that Christy can now begin to see his true colors and he worries he will lose the attention Christy has been giving him. Christy fears Crew is disingenuous, unfaithful and too immature to actually have a meaningful relationship with her despite some of their more intellectual conversations shared that were also inconsistent. She will begin the break up process but Crew will begin to gaslight and change his stories in hopes to not lose the attention of Christy or their conversations. Christy brings Crew’s inner conflicts and insecurities to light, causing Crew to feel so broke and ultimately despise Christy. Crew reveals just how anxious and broken Christy also is, show casing her unhealed trauma, true coping mechanisms in relationships and her inability to deal with rejections or further disappointments. The break up is a trigger for Christy, as she’s been previously ghosted before and finds she’s still in a traumatic state of mind. Christy becomes further traumatized when she breaks up with Crew but he can show no emotions for it, despite originally not wanting to break up or lose her attention for him.

Crew’s coping mechanism is to turn cold and push her away while Christy is anxiously grappling, depressed and now feels suicidal tendencies within her. She’s awake to her true self and she’s frightened. Crew is also awake to his inability to feel for Christy in the breakup but doesn’t know the first step towards fixing himself or if he can. He hates himself but hates Christy more. He subconsciously fuels her suicidal tendencies but doesn’t want to be responsible for her blood on his hands. He doesn’t feel sorry for her but he’s sorry that he could ultimately be responsible for her taking her life. During Christy having a suicidal attack, she will shut down and stop answering her phone. Crew struggles and forces himself to appear upset for her and for her wellbeing. When he believes she’s truly going to harm herself, Crew blows up her phone but realizes she isn’t going to answer. He’s pacing his dorm scared he’ll be in trouble. Crew wants to cry but physically can’t. He realizes just how hard it is to feel sad for someone else and he sees himself for the first time as a robot. Christy is sobbing in her bed trying to accept the reality of the relationship and feels hopeless. She’s too scared to take her life and wants to stay for the kids that she takes care of but feels so broken and hurt by Crew. Christy says a prayer to God to not take her life. Hours later after she’s cried and prayed, she begins to read Crew’s text begging her to not take her life. Christy smiles hoping Crew could care for her after all. She responds to Crew that she’s okay and it gives him relief that he isn’t in trouble and that she’s going to be ok.

Crew pretends to save Christy by making her believe he does care for her well-being, begging her to never harm herself, then tells her she needs professional help and to better herself. The say they’ll try to start all over as just friends but Crew continually changes his stories and reasons for the break up. Crew finds it very difficult to be honest with himself or Christy about the reality of the relationship. Crew continues to gaslight Christy over text to continue furthering the attention she’s giving him but feels he truly despises her since the breakup and ongoing drama he believes he has with her. Christy went from super empathetic in his eyes when he met her to now he sees her as just pathetic. Christy went from seeing this charismatic young man struggling to please his parents and be a doctor, to now Christy believes Crew is confusing and distrustful. She now realizes their relationship was built on lies and mismatched expectations. His lack of empathy for her broken heart makes Christy eventually come to a conclusion he can only disappoint her and cause her sadness. Christy doesn’t want to have another suicidal episode but finds herself trauma bonded to Crew and struggles to detach from the relationship.

Christy will fight herself to overcome the anxious co-dependent person she is to now realizing she has to prioritize her own well-being, she has to become more independent and find her self worth without needing a man to validate her. Crew, although he sees he cannot feel for Christy and struggles to deal with consequences of his actions, he will hide his pain and disappointment of himself in the endless sea of women he finds on dating apps and on his college campus. Crew jumps into his next relationship knowing Christy shown light to some of his broken parts but he feels incapable of ever fixing himself. Christy will find out he has another girlfriend already and she’s trying not to fall apart but move on from Crew, no longer paying him attention.

There will be a final intense scene of Crew gaslighting Christy one last time to keep her attention before the relationship finally goes crashing and burning. Christy will find strength in herself to overcome the adversity and you’ll see the movie ending with her laying in bed in the night, having the breaking point, the last straw and blocking his number as she smiles with a sigh of a relief but a tear falls down her cheek as she knows he’s a complete stranger to her, yet she once believed they were falling in love. You’ll see flash backs of conversations that were romantic but also flash backs of arguments they shared. She lets go of her expectations and her fantasies with crew, sees he’s so broken and broke her heart also but she can’t change him and fears he’s going to abuse his next relationship too. Christy knows she has to block Crew’s number for her own sanity.

Right as you see her hit the “block contact” button, the movie will then cut to the credits and the ending song *Heart Out by The 1975* will play…..

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS IDEA???

(Btw, I changed names and sorta changed interest of the characters but for the most part, this is exactly my story of my last relationship with Drew not “crew” and I don’t believe I know him or have him ALL figured out by any means… this was strictly meant for the movie’s sake but pretty much it all started and ended the same as real life did…. I truly was anxiously attached to Drew and had unhealed trauma from my ex cody. Drew’s personality was inconsistent he changed on me daily and his actions never matched his words. He would Snapchat me from the fraternity parties and text me at 3am, making me believe he’s not sober or alone. I truly felt he was hooking up with sorority girls. 🥺💔 nothing I could do about it because we lived in different states.)

#If my last relationship was a movie #my story #emotional abuse #unpacking #online relationships #self awareness #healing from trauma #toxic relationship #toxic boyfriend #manipulation #anxious attachment #avoidant attachment #artistic #movie idea #katy perry #the 1975 #Spotify

[mandyjane-lifedesign]

5 Reasons to Stay Faithful to Yourself

Slashing his tires sounds enticing, we know. But, trust us, you don't want to live a life full of regret. Staying true to yourself is really the only right move in this situation. So, we've put together a little list of why that is. 1. A Life Well-Lived Is the Best Form of Revenge How many times have you crawled back after having your feelings hurt? Sure, at that moment, infidelity wasn't what was bothering you. The feelings you've experienced still matter, though. Even if they were felt long ago, their impact has lasting consequences. Besides, if you were never in that relationship, nothing would be wrong. That's what we told our reflection the last time someone treated us that way. After crying for a bit, covered in tears, we stood up and took a deep breath. Taking a few minutes to let the pain express itself isn't a bad idea. Sometimes, letting it all out is the only thing we're capable of in distress. Just remember to focus on gratitude after letting do. For a lot of people, getting stuck in the muck is a real risk. 2. Virtue Won't Be Going Out of Style Anytime Soon So many people rush out and try to do the same thing they're hurt over. After all, why wouldn't they want to get back at whoever caused their pain? It's only natural to wish for an equal exchange of grievances as a human. But, virtue wasn't thought up because it's fashionable. Living with integrity is how we can feel good about who we are. Without that, nothing in life would be very meaningful. So, don't sink down to someone else's level, especially if it's that low. 3. Sacrificing Our Morals Isn't a Way to Heal What matters most after being hurt is finding a way to heal. Unfortunately, many coping mechanisms seem like they're made to do the exact opposite. Hurrying out to the bar and pounding back a few drinks sounds lovely; we get it. But, after the alcohol snakes its way into your blood, things are different. The composure your sober mind has used to shield you from the pain begins melting. Not long after, so do your inhibitions. That's when regret becomes a strong possibility, increasingly likely the longer you're out. Refuse to cover up pain with chemicals and hard music. If you do have to go dancing, make it something wholesome. Bring some friends somewhere family-friendly and dance the night away. 4. Authenticity Has Its Own Rewards Once it's almost over, and you're breathing your last breath, what do you want to leave behind? For us, we've always dreamed of leaving a legacy steeping in authentic behavior. As long as we're true to ourselves, few things perturb our thoughts. Being authentic is the greatest reward you can possibly give yourself. So, if pain is already unignorable, be a good friend to you. Start living without worrying about what others think. That's how you'll become who you were meant to be. 5. Being the Bigger Person Is More Than an Image Revenge has been something humans have dealt with since the beginning of our history. In fact, many of our oldest tales feature stories of tragic revenge. Unless you want to be remembered like that, try doing something else with the time you have here. We've all been given a limited span to make our lives worth something. If we're busy getting back at others, nothing would get done worth remembering. So, put down the scaling feelings. Stop asking why do men cheat on good women? Even if there were a reasonable answer, it wouldn't heal your broken heart. The only way to do that is by living a life full of better moments. How to Overcome Someone Betraying You Betrayed by those closest to us, our hearts scream out as if pierced with searing spears. Infidelity breaks down everything you've held dear. And, unless you've felt it, it's indescribable. But, ask anyone who has gone through it themselves. They'll tell you life is brighter than ever once you're on the other side of this darkness. So, don't let it get the best of you while it's still here. Read the full article

[untaemedqueen]

Experiment 21 (M)

Jimin x Reader x Seokjin

Genre: Dystopic!AU, Poly!AU, Strangers to Lovers!AU, Smut, Fluff, Angst

Warnings: Jin teaches Jimin the WORKS, Body Worship, Marking, Cunnilingus, Fellatio, Impreg Kink, Cum Swallowing, Face Fucking, Multiple Orgasms, Masturbation, Fingering, Soft Dom!Jimin, Soft Dom!Jin, Doggy Style, Cream Pie

Other Warnings: Blood, Stabbing, Death Of A Super Insignificant Character

WordCount: 21.7k

A/N: The beautiful banner is from my love lady @ladyartemesia she makes such wonderful moving imagery and I’m always consistantly astounded. This idea came about because of @ppersonna, one day she said “Donna, Jin and Jimin, please.” Faithfully, I can only answer yes ma’am.

Another grandiose shout out to @ladyartemesia​ and @xjoonchildx​ for betaing everything I have so far and giving me such great feedback. I could not ask for a lovelier squad.

Stark white. There's something about the color that makes Jimin feel so dirty as he sits down in the white chair at the white table. Maybe it was because his one piece outfit was the color of soot. Someone once told him that people called 'mechanics' in the old world wore outfits just like his. They used to have silly names scrawled in ovals over their hearts like Karl or Bubby. 

Or maybe, he felt dirty because of the handsome well put together man that sits opposite of him at the table. His grey three piece suit seems to exude richness, exude power within the small white confined room. Jimin's head dips down, eyes flitting to the table as the handsome man looks up before throwing a tablet onto the table. With a few clicks, a hologram pops up. "Jimin." The voice draws his attention back as the man in the suit puts his elbows on the table.

Clearing his throat, his fingers intertwine before placing his hands on the table. "You've done considerably well throughout this term, my little potent friend." The man's voice has a gruff backbite, one that takes Jimin by surprise as he taps his fingers to his kneecaps. It's no surprise Jimin's handler has jealousy enraptured throughout his voice. He was one of the few that were still virile after The Great End. 

The damage to cities and civilizations was catastrophic, the damage to the human body was even more so. Reproduction came few and far between, pregnancies sometimes not even completing to full term. Babies born through The Meeting weren't guaranteed to be virile later in life either, it was simply a question science couldn't answer. 

One would think the few that could reproduce would be held high in this sort of society, but alas, they were lab rats. Lab rats to be tested upon and made to reproduce without an inkling of care for the virile. Jimin's friend Namjoon once told him that they were like 'worker bees' always doing their mindless duty to perform and please without a second thought. Generations of The Fertile had passed since The Great End, the few reproductive humans left had evolved to feel no pleasure in culminating in man's greatest gift. Just simply two bodies meeting to reproduce. The male and female would house together until the female became pregnant. Upon becoming impregnated she would be taken to The Great Home, where she would live out her pregnancy amongst the other fertile women. 

"You've had six attempts this term and all six have completed with pregnancies." Jimin's handler tells him as he flicks through the women Jimin had stayed with for some time throughout the six months. Jimin gives a small nod before pulling on the fabric of his soot colored one piece. It was something of a coping mechanism for him when it was demanded of him to wear clothes. It keeps him comforted in this familiar sickly white room. "We've discovered a female who has a very strong chance of fertility and the Masters would like you to participate." 

A girl's face arrives on the hologram. She seemed quaint in Jimin's eyes. Friendly to look at. Her eyes expressed emotions he found himself feeling uncomfortable with. Clearing his throat, he leans against the table. His chest presses against the lip of the table as her hologram begins to smile. He looks up at his handler before raising an eyebrow. "Participate?" His handler chuckles quietly, a noise that makes the younger man unsteady as he shoves off of the table. 

"Recently...I shouldn't be telling you this-" His handler mumbles before looking towards the closed door, the reflection of the Peace Maker through the glass has him pressing his body closer to the stark white table, "Recently, Peace Makers went to the Ruins. In the Ruins they found documents signifying there was a very small chance of something called Heteropaternal Superfecundation." Jimin blinks at his words. 

"Heter- What?" Jimin asks as he pulls at the fabric once more. He wasn't the type to ask questions. He did as told and was perfectly happy with getting a few more food tokens after each successful reproductive attempt. "Heteropaternal Superfecundation. A set of twins fathered by two completely different males." Furrowing his eyebrows Jimin can only scoff at the notion.

It was hard enough to reproduce with a female. They want a female to drop two eggs during fertilization? That's a stretch. Jimin runs his hands over his face before looking at his handler. "You want me to mate in the presence of another male?" His handler points at him before clicking his teeth. 

"There have been twenty experiments so far, not a single woman has succeeded. But this woman-" He points to the hologram, "This woman has had two consecutive ovulations where she has produced two eggs." Jimin tilts his head before looking at her again. She has attractive lips, he finds himself noticing before looking back up. His mocha irises meeting the sky blue orbs of his handler.

"You are the most virile man in this part of the country. And this man." He flicks the screen showing a handsome man before pointing. "This is Seokjin, the most virile man from the other side of the country. The Masters would like you to try. Try and get this woman pregnant, she seems to hold high standing with them." Jimin pulls on the fabric of his one piece before sighing. A few extra food tokens certainly wouldn't hurt.

At first, Jimin found it incredibly uncomfortable to be around so many scientists. He was taken to The Masters when he was eighteen after many series of tests. Now, he is fully comfortable standing naked in front of people without a care. Laying out on the medical table, his eyes stare up at the flecked ceiling. He shivers at the cold gloves as they prod at his skin. "Good morning." The voice is melodic, one not heard before by him. 

His head turns to the voice, the face from the hologram in the flesh as she leans against the doorway. She raises her hand before giving a gentle wave to everyone in the room. "Miss Y/N! Welcome! Please come in!" Jimin raises an eyebrow at the eager voices of the scientists. His eyebrows flicker higher as you begin to smile at them. 

You seem kind. He notices how fancy your clothes are, the fabric of your dress was not one of the matronly women he usually meets. "If you could take off your dress and lay down next to Jimin." One of the scientists relays before looking back over at him. 

Both of your eyes meet, your head tilting as you wrinkle your nose and he finds his body relaxing at your gaze. Your hands come to the zipper on the side of your gray dress before slowly pulling it down. Jimin was never one to take interest in the bodies of the females during his mating experience. His handler once told him that back in the old days before The Great End, people used to lavish on bodies for pleasure and love. A concept far beyond his comprehension. 

Stripping yourself of the dress, Jimin's eyes lazily roam your naked body. Taking note of how puffy and pretty your nipples look before looking back up at the ceiling. Pleasure and love, so far beyond his reach. Such a concept was a fairy tale in these times. Laying down on the table beside Jimin, you hold your hand out. He lifts his head before clearing his throat. "Y/N, nice to meet you." He shakes your hand briefly before jumping as the scientist presses the cold glove to his scrotum. 

"Jimin." He mumbles before closing his eyes. Jimin stayed with the females he mated with for a relatively short time. He was good at the task at hand and that was about it. He didn't need to spend time with them. He didn't 'hang out', a term his friend Yoongi once used after a three month stint with one female he mated with. Jimin never needed to get to know the woman he was staying with. It seems artifice to become friendly with someone who just won't stick around. At least the other guys of his housing block stuck around. He could afford to get comfortable with them. 

"Don't you just hate it when you get shivers during this?" You ask quietly to him as gloved hands run over your breasts. He hums gently to you and he wonders if you're nervous. Talking just to talk, to take away your fright. But, that thought gets wiped out as an alcohol pad is wiped over his inner elbow. "I hear you have a lot of success with impregnating women." You say before turning your head to him. 

You take in his handsome features. The sharpness of his jaw and how attractive his small eyes are. His nose is perfectly straight and his lips were plush and pretty. You've heard that men and women who participate in The Meeting are generally blunt and to the point. Jimin seems a bit cold but it's nothing you don't think you could get past. You weren't usually a part of something like this, this was new and something special. So, no matter how standoffish Jimin could or would get you would take it in strides. The experiment is exciting and if you could bring two new lives into this world it's worth it.

"I get extra food tokens." Jimin mumbles and you find your body going rigid at the notion. That's incredibly depressing, honestly. You didn't need to worry about things like that, you never needed food tokens and the thought makes your stomach roll. "Oh." You whisper before looking up at the ceiling.

He runs his fingers through his black hair before lifting his hips as instructed by a scientist. "Are you comfortable, Miss Y/N? The exam will go quickly and we'll get you back to your home in no time." You smile kindly at the words before nodding.

"Your home?" Jimin questions before turning his head to you. You find it awkward now, once he sees your house he'll surely hate you then. "Yes. We'll be going to my house instead of a Meeting House." You whisper to him before getting the okay to get up.

"Who are you?" He inquires before sitting up. Putting your dress on, you stare at the one sided glass opposite you. "Just Y/N." You whisper before zippering your body out of sight.

He grunts gently at the notion before hopping off of the table. "Sounds like anything but 'just.'" He mutters before putting on his one piece. 

"Well at my house you don't need food tokens, you can just be." You whisper to him before tying your hair up in a satin ribbon. The tendrils of the ribbon fall over your shoulders, the harsh fluorescent lights of the examination room highlighting your features for Jimin to see. A Peace Maker steps into the doorway and Jimin finds it hard to keep his head up as he notices the electric wand in his hand. Never used on him before and he intends to keep it that way. "Come." You tell Jimin happily before putting your hand on the Peace Maker's shoulder. 

Exiting the examination building, Jimin has a hard time keeping his eyes off of the Ruins in the far distance. The multitude of buildings that have been destroyed, toppled over one another as nature reclaims the Earth. The vines and trees that sprout amongst the rubble make him uneasy. A hand is pressed to his back before shoving him forward towards the car. You scowl at the Peace Maker before folding your arms. "Is it necessary?" You ask gently, Jimin's head snapping to your encounter with the taller man as he tilts his head. 

"I'm sorry?" He asks, the tone sending a chill down Jimin's spine as he tries to grab your arm to pull you away from confrontation. 

"You should be. I said is it necessary?" You ask once more as the car doors fly open readying itself for your entry. 

Jimin takes a sharp breath through his nose, mocha irises flitting between your form and the large man in front of you.

"I was just-" Tilting your head down, your gaze pierces the Peace Maker. Daggers of anger thrown at him with one simple look. "No Miss. Not necessary. I apologize." Jimin widens his eyes as you turn to him. Clapping your hands you smile kindly.

"Well then. Let's go." You whisper to Jimin before sitting inside the car. “Who is she?” He murmurs before bowing his head to the Peace Maker. Jimin clears his throat before awkwardly crouching to get inside of the car. Of course he has seen one before but The Fertile never get to ride in one. They have their own system of transportation, they use the underground trains. His fingertips rub at the metal band clamped onto his wrist, eyes tracing over the familiar symbol of a fish inside of a woven basket. His eyes look to your arms as the car begins to move on its own. “You don’t have a band.” He announces as you turn your head to his voice.

You smile gently before pointing at the red satin ribbon in your hair. “This is my band.” You tell him before looking out the window as the streets begin to pass you by. People dirtied with mud and dirt approach the car as it begins to slow down and you clear your throat awkwardly as you drive through the Slums. Jimin is engrossed by the sight, uncomfortably shifting on the leather seat as people knock on the windows. Their muddy knuckles leave prints on the glass. “Pouch.” You say gently before smiling as the car stops to a halt. A drawer opens beside you and your fingers dig into the velvet interior before producing coins. 

Jimin has never seen the Slums before, his handler had told him stories of the people that live here. How they starve and get sick because they have no useful talents to bring them to other more viable areas to work. He jumps, hand flying to his heart as someone knocks on the window beside him. “It’s okay.” You mumble to him before lowering your window. 

Your palm opens, the gold coins reflecting light from the sun as you smile at the people who stand before your car. He notices the coins immediately. Food tokens. Jimin tilts his head in disbelief as you hand them out. You don’t flinch or pull away as your hands become soiled with dirt, your smile stays kind. It’s almost endearing in a way. “Who are you?” He questions again as the people thank you audibly. Some women and men even sob as you nod your head to them.

“Just Y/N.” You reply again before rolling up the window. “Onward.” You say before wiping your hand on your dress, the dirt smearing over the expensive looking fabric. Jimin folds his arms, finding it almost enlightening to be in your presence. You certainly were different, certainly held some sort of high profile. Jimin suddenly wishes he would have taken those classes on history they were giving out for free a few months ago. He wishes he was a learned man. Until now, he never really felt the need to know more than was graciously given to him. Now, he wishes he understood this world and everything in it. It would make it a lot easier to see where you were coming from and just who exactly you were.

Arriving at your house, Jimin’s eyes widen at the great stature of it. “People once called this a mansion.” You tell him as you exit the car, your feet gracefully climbing the multitude of marble steps before opening the brass double doors of your home. 

His room has exactly four walls. He had a bed, a toilet and a shelf to put trinkets and knick knacks. Some even put books on the shelf. This was grandiose and before he could find himself in wonder of the majesty of this place, anger reached him first. With a scoff he looks up at the gray painted walls, old pieces of art hang in gold frames as they litter the walls of your home. You had furniture, nice olden looking furniture with claws for feet. Everything was expensive and exuded an air he found simply debilitating. “What do you think?” You ask before your hands press to your sides.

“It’s ridiculous.” He mutters before poking a gold statue of a horse that sits upon a small table in front of your couch. You nod to him before clearing your throat. He is certainly not comfortable, that much is obvious. “I had a room made up for you, you don’t have to wear that around here if you don’t want to. I have other clothes for you that my brother gave me.” You say before pointing to the curved staircase behind you. His eyes look up at the second floor before furrowing his eyebrows. 

He was out of his depth here, simply feeling bovine in the grand amazement of this place. “Go ahead, explore if you want. Seokjin should be here soon, too. We can get to know each other.” You tell him before standing up.

He watches you ascend the stairs, leaving him to his own thoughts. He would probably need space, this is a big change for him. Jimin pulls at his one piece before looking around at the mansion. “Absolutely ridiculous.” He murmurs before narrowing his eyes at two doors on the left side of the house. 

Without a second thought he walks over to them, gripping at the gold handles before pushing the doors open. “Jeez.” He whispers before taking in the room, books line the walls in their entirety. Some books even burnt and frail looking as if they were from before The Great End. There was a desk and a leather chair behind it. Papers and books atop the cherry wood table. He closes the doors behind him before running his fingers through his hair, his eyes glancing up at the gold painted ceiling before slowly sliding down the doors. He folds his legs inward before putting his fist underneath his chin. You were someone of great importance, he finds himself thinking. 

He doesn’t know how long he sat in the library, how long his irises flitted from book to book. But, he found his anger slowly becoming replaced with wonder. He wondered just how important you were and how just being virile had brought him to this great opportunity. He began to think if he wasn’t virile would he have ended up in the Slums? Would he have been strong enough to go work in the Mines or the Dam? He guesses he’s just lucky in this way. Then he thinks of you. How gracious you are, giving him space and reading him so thoroughly. The way you gave food tokens to the poor as if it was just the right thing to do. It was a wholesome experience in this black and white world he had never experienced before. 

But, he hasn’t had many experiences before this to be fair. Jimin was bred in captivity much like every other person. He was born in The Great Home. He lived his early years in The Child Unit, undergoing tests to see what his quality of life would be if he wasn’t one of the Fertile. Upon turning eighteen he went for the test, only to find out he was one of two Fertile that were born in his year. He was then taken to the Fertile Housing Unit and lived among men, some of which became his friends. And, that was about it. It was droll and boring and he too found himself droll and boring. His handler had told him that he was a great addition to this world, so far more important than anyone else besides The Masters and yet, he found it all drivel and pointless. 

Stagnant. That was a word, Namjoon had once used to describe how Jimin felt throughout all of this. He was the learned one amongst their friends. “I should have asked him so many things.” He finds himself whispering before looking back up at the gold ceiling. 

A knock comes to the doors behind him and he’s quick to jump up before opening the doors. You stand before him, that same gentle smile on your face before leaning against the door frame. “Do you like to read?” You kindly ask him. He takes in your new clothing, something simpler than before and yet, expensive nonetheless. 

“No. I-I don’t read very often.” You hum at his words before entering the library. He watches you waltz past him, finding your strides almost endearing as you approach the large wall of books. Your fingers trail over the spines of the books before you’re pulling out a book. “Here. If you want, you can read this.” You tell him before turning to him. 

He looks at the book in your hands before tilting his head. “Society Then, Society Now?” He asks before taking the leather bound book. You nod to him before folding your arms. “It’s a good read. Who knows, you might like it.” You tell him.

He nods slowly before opening the cover. “You’re very important, aren’t you?” He asks you before putting the book to his chest. You shrug before intertwining your hands. “Someone people might say so. I don’t think of it that way. I’m just Y/N.” You whisper before hearing a knock in the distance.

“That’ll be Seokjin.” You tell him before leaving him alone in the library. He looks down at the book before running his fingertips over the inscribed letters on the cover. Maybe getting to know your mates isn't a terrible notion.

Seokjin was cocky. Or, Jimin thinks so anyway. He was also talkative. Too much so for his liking. He arrived with a wide smile and handsome features that made Jimin feel as plain as day. Apparently people from the other side of the country don’t wear one piece outfits like here. They wear woven pants and shirts that highlight their body forms. A weird concept in Jimin’s opinion. He had taken flight to his room, to get away from the awkwardness and to honestly just change. Pulling out a white shirt and white pants, he finds it almost humorous that he looks forward to dressing in clothes that his handler would be seen in. 

His bedroom was beyond impressive. The bed alone, as it stands within four posts, looks like something from an old photo Namjoon had once shown him in a history book. The toilet was in another room, along with a shower. His own shower, he didn’t have to share with anyone else. “Amazing.” He whispers before putting on his new clothes and looking in the free standing mirror. 

A mere second and he is laying down on the bed, closing his eyes. It would seem a shame to go back to his life after experiencing this. This was too good to be true. Too suddenly wonderful and interesting. Rolling onto his side, his eyes open. His gaze passed through the window to the garden outside. Gardens were rare, fertile Earthen soil after The Great End was hard to come by. To have such a stretch of land for just a garden seems like a waste. The flowers were pretty though, it brought solace to his heart. “Jimin, dinner is here.” His head turns to the door as your knuckles rap gently against the wood. 

His housing unit had a cafeteria. Dinner was served at six on the dot, and the food tokens would provide you with food that was somewhat tasty but provided enough nutrition to get you through. Standing up off of the bed, his bare feet pad toward the door before the scent of food wafts through the air. His mouth begins to water, saliva pooling and he realizes just how famished he actually is. He catches a glimpse of you as you descend the stairs. You were graceful in everything you did it seems. 

Entering the dining room, his eyes caught sight of Seokjin. He changed as well, into something that seemed to fit him well. He was a handsome man, someone that seemed to fit a more important role than what he has been given in this life. “Sit!” You say happily before sitting down at the long table. Jimin looks over the table, his eyes widening at the great selection of food before gasping gently. His stomach grumbles and he is quick to sit beside you as you place the linen napkin over your lap.

“How am I supposed to go back to my life after I eat this?” Jin jokes and Jimin can find no humor in his question because to him it’s very serious. You snort, a gentle breathy noise that appeases Jimin’s ears. 

“We can take our time with the experiment, you know. It probably won’t happen on the first go. It was rare in the old world. It’ll be incredibly rare even more so now.” You say before cutting into your steak. 

Jimin grabs a roll of warm bread before ripping it. His eyes on your steak before swallowing gently as saliva pools. To get a piece of steak, someone must have fifty food tokens and request it a week in advance. Taehyung, Jimin’s best friend and the only other Fertile man of his year, did it once. Saved up one token from every mating for years just to be able to get it and here it was on a silver platter in the middle of the table. You look up at him before smiling gently, “Eat.” You whisper before wrinkling your nose.

With unimpressed eyes, he watches Seokjin devour the food at the table. Steak, chicken, corn, carrots. Everything he could possibly get his hands on. “Jimin.” Seokjin calls to him before wiping his mouth. Jimin looks up at him, purple tinted water in hand before sipping it. “Do you feel pleasure?” He asks the younger man as if it’s a common thing. 

Jimin opens his mouth before furrowing his eyebrows. “Pleasure? No. I-I don’t.” He murmurs, the sound of his voice travelling through the still air as Jin nods. “Me either. It’s such a shame. I know someone who does, though.” Jimin sits up straighter at his admission before setting down his roll of bread.

“Really? What do they say it’s like?” As annoying as Jimin thinks Seokjin is, this is truly interesting. 

“His name is Guk. He said he fell in love with one of his females when they were living together. It took them a few months to get pregnant. He used to feel nothing at all until he had sex with her. Now he says that it’s something euphoric. Something so beyond what we could ever hope to experience.” Seokjin says before picking up his glass of water. You raise an eyebrow as your teeth clamp down on the fork before pulling it clean out of your mouth.

“So in order to feel pleasure, you have to love the one you’re mating?” You ask him as he leans back in his chair. “That’s what Guk says. He even masterbates now.” He finishes his sentence with a whisper.

“That’s illegal.” Jimin mumbles to him across the table before picking at his roll of bread. Seokjin shrugs at him before pushing some carrots around on his plate. “He says it feels so good, he can’t help himself.” 

Jimin hums to him before tilting his head, what must pleasure be like? What must it feel like? “Sounds like bullshit to me.” You say before putting your linen napkin on the table. Jin does the same and Jimin chides himself for only eating bread and corn throughout this dinner. He should have had the steak. 

“Maybe. But, it’s something to look for.” Jin says before smiling. 

“Something to look for?” You ask gently before standing. 

“It’s boring to do the same thing over and over again without looking for a new outlook. Right, Jimin?” His head bounces up at the question before sucking a breath between his teeth. That certainly is an interesting way to look at things.

“I could see that as an interesting view.” Jimin agrees before standing up. He goes to grab his plate before your hand grazes over his. There’s something short, a feeling of warmth surging through him as he coils away from your touch in shock. You flex your hands surprised before clearing your throat. “You can leave the plate. Someone will be around to collect it.” You tell him before stepping into the living room.

“So when does the experiment begin?” Jin asks you. 

“It has already begun.” You tell him before walking out of sight. 

Jimin’s room has no windows. Lights would go out at ten o’clock and would come on promptly at seven in the morning. He finds it difficult to fall asleep with the moon light peering through the large window by the bed. The moon was full tonight, small wisps of clouds drifting by every so often. He finds it majestic to look at. Sitting on the window sill, his fingers graze over the leather cover of the book you had given him. Opening to the first page, he rests his head back against the wall to tuck in for a read before you knock at the door.

The door creaks gently as you peak your head in, “Everything okay?” You ask him in a hushed voice. He nods to you as you enter, your satin black nightgown makes him sit up straighter as you point to the book in his lap. “Good?” You ask before sitting on the end of his bed.

“I haven’t started yet.” He admits making you smile. 

“You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. I can summarize it for you if you like.” You tell him. He finds himself smirking at your words before turning towards you, his feet landing on the wooden floor as you lean back on your hands. “You like to read, huh? You seem very learned.” You look up at the gold ceiling before giggling gently.

“I know a little about a lot.” You say with certainty before looking back at him. His smile grows wider and you tilt your head at the warmth of his smile. 

“You don’t hate me, do you?” You ask as the moon peaks out from behind a cloud. Your body becomes illuminated in it’s white light. Jimin leans his temple against the wall as he drinks you in, “No, I don’t hate you. I just find it difficult to adjust to the grandness of this place when my home is just a room.” He says to you and you fold your arms before raising an eyebrow.

“Just a room? I thought The Fertile had their own apartments. Living rooms and our own bathrooms?” You ask sincerely. You had learned from when you were little just how respected The Fertile were. How great their lives were. Jimin gives a surprised giggle at your questions. 

“We share showering rooms. Everything in our rooms is white. You get a bed, a toilet, a shelf and that’s pretty much it. We also have a clothing dispenser, we get a new one piece every day.” You widen your eyes at his admission before scoffing gently. So it was a lie?

“And your meals? Doesn’t one food token provide you with half of what we had today?” He shakes his head, eyebrows furrowing at your ridiculous words. 

“No. One food token gets you a roll of bread.” You feel embarrassment ripple over you in waves as you put your hand over your mouth. “Oh my Gosh, I’m so sorry! I was taught that...that The Fertile were held high above most others.” You tell him before sitting up straight.

He snorts at your false information before taking his head off of the wall. “Whoever taught you that was a liar. My friend Namjoon has described us like worker bees. Y’know, mindlessly droning on doing our duties without a thought or care.” You find yourself feeling unabashed horror. 

“Oh, Jimin. I-I didn’t know. I’m really sorry.” You mumble as he shakes his head. You were kind, way kinder than he gave you credit for earlier. And, genuine. “That’s okay. You didn’t know.” 

“I wondered why you weren’t eating earlier.” You whisper more to yourself than to him. He chuckles before folding his arms, “I’m definitely going to eat tomorrow. That steak looked delicious.” 

You nod fervently to him before standing, “I’ll be sure to order it. Is there anything else you want to try?” Jimin hums quizzically before snapping his fingers. “Shepards Pie! It’s worth forty food tokens. I’ve never had it before.” You feel your heart ache long and low before nodding to him. 

“Sure. Shepherds Pie it is.” He finds your face quite pretty in the moonlight. He holds up the book before wiggling it. “Thanks for letting me read this.” His voice is enwrapped with sincerity that makes you feel soft at his words.

“My library is your library.” You tell him before patting your thighs. You turn towards the door, your nightgown shifting with every step. He clears his throat, taking in the curvature of your supple backside before raising an eyebrow. Was every woman he has mated with this appealing? He can’t seem to find it within himself to agree to that question.

“Y/N.” He calls to you before running his fingers through his hair. You turn to him with a smile.

“You could teach me the contents of the book, if you like? I think it would be fun to see things from your perspective.” He says before tapping the leather cover with his finger. Your smile makes one spread on his face as well, his cheek dimpling slightly as he shrugs.

“Sure. I think that’d be fun. Tomorrow then?” You ask before opening his bedroom door.

“Tomorrow.” He whispers as you nod to him. Watching you leave he finds himself thinking of how warm your touch was earlier at dinner. How soft your fingertips were against the skin of his hand. Intriguing really.

Jin was easier to get along with as days passed. He really wasn't so different from Jimin in all honesty. He was just trying to cope with his situation a bit differently. Although, Jimin couldn't help the twinge of ache in his heart as you smiled freely at the older man. The way your knees would knock together as he caressed your cheek bone or ran his fingers through your hair. He was far more comfortable than Jimin could ever imagine. Jimin began to look forward to late nights with you, staying up and learning about history. He had almost completely forgotten about the experiment, hanging out with you was just simply nice. 

"There used to be places where you could go and watch movies in groups. Sit in rows and eat snacks." You tell Jimin as you lay next to each other on his bed. He chuckles gently before turning his head to you. "Oh really? Next you'll tell me there were places to hear people sing." He quips to you before turning on to his side. 

Your nightgown ripples as you copy him, your hand pressing underneath your head for support. "There were! They were called concert halls." The corners of his lips quirk up, with the roll of his eyes he presses his lips together. 

"You're a know-it-all, Y/N." Your response is a giggle. Your eyes find his as the moonlight invades his now familiar bedroom. Staring at each other, hearts as light as air you find yourself clutching onto something that seems faux. Something unreal and yet, you want it.

"I don't want you to go back to your housing unit." You tell him. He takes a large inhale through his nose before laying on his back. His eyes close, brow creasing as if he’s in pain before sighing gently. “Me either.” He replies truthfully. 

He enjoyed being here, having finer things but above all he enjoyed spending time with you. And Jin, coincidentally, no matter how jealous his heart burned with acid at the mere touch of you. He became enthralled by your words, your movements. The subtle way you would cross your legs when Jin would bring up something sexual or the way you would tie up a ribbon in your hair when you read to keep it away from your eyes. He found it enrapturing to listen to your tales of how it was before The Great End, how much you knew about small things and large events. He found himself keen to be with you, wondering from time to time if Jin’s friend Guk felt this way about the mate he claimed he loved. 

“I want you to stay with me, both you and Jin. I’m so lonely here in this house.” Jimin’s head turns to you as you grasp his hand. That familiar warmth surging through his bones. His nerve endings feel aflame, goosebumps prickle his skin as he leans towards you. “The babies, if we make them. Will they be yours?” He finds himself asking.

Never one for questions, Jimin couldn’t seem to bear the idea of your children being taken away to the Children's Unit. Nodding to him, he finds himself relaxing slightly. “It wouldn’t be false to say that they would undergo testing for the rest of their lives though.” You mumble to him and his heart twangs with regret.

He’s produced many children, but this child will mean more to him that you could ever seem to realize. He’s bonded with you, grown fond of spending time together. “I don’t want you to get pregnant then.” He whispers before turning his head to look out the window. His eyes linger on the garden beside the mansion, watching the flowers sway in the night breeze. 

“I do.” You reply and he shakes his head before sighing. 

“Any memory of the both of you is worth it to me.” You tell him honestly, the surge of warmth echoing through both of you as you run your fingers up his bare arm. With a gentle gasp his head lolls back, eyes flitting to the ceiling. “You feel it don’t you? The warmth?” He nods slightly to your question. He could feel the stroke of your fingers, the energy so raw that it makes him lightheaded. 

“It feels so good.” He admits as his eyes flutter shut. 

“People before used to kiss.” You tell him as you lean your body closer to his. With a sputtering giggle he sits up, keeping your hand over his arm as you begin to smile. “Kiss, what’s that?” 

“Pressing your lips together. It was a way people showed their attraction to one another. It was pleasurable.” Raising an eyebrow he snorts. “Seems stupid.” He mumbles, his breath hitching in his throat as your eyes fall to his plush lips.

“I want to kiss you.” You mumble weakly and he licks his lips as a reaction to your admission.

“Y/N.” He whispers as you sit up, your backside falling to the balls of your feet. Your hand leaves his arm, a sudden wave of disappointment flitting through him before you caress the apple of his cheek with your thumb. He gasps gently, the warmth traveling through his skin as he leans into your touch. You lean in closer, his breath fanning over your face as he swallows nervously. “We can’t feel pleasure, Y/N. This is stupid.” He mutters out, more for himself than to you.

“Then I’m stupid.” You quip back before pressing your lips to his. It’s awkward at first, both of you having never done it before. It was wet and your teeth clashed a few times but the feeling was stupendous. His hands grip at your arms, his heart beating faster as he gasps into your mouth. Was this it? Pleasure? You read somewhere that sometimes one would even nibble on the other’s bottom lip. So you try it, earning a groan from him as he wraps his arms around you. 

“Oh my God.” He whispers against your lips before pulling you down to the mattress with him. This was it, this was pleasure. Pulling away, he presses his forehead to yours before gasping for air, the tingles that emit throughout his body make his eyes widen. “Am I stupid?” You ask before touching your lips. 

“No.” He says breathlessly, “Never.” 

Why drink water, why eat when you could kiss? It was something amazing, straight out of a fairytale. Something so potent, you both could never find a comparison. Kissing could last a lifetime, Jimin only hopes. And suddenly, he feels his pajama pants tenting as you pull away from him. His eyebrows furrow as he pulls at the crotch of his pants finding the fabric tightening. He has an erection, without the help of supplements. Clearing his throat, he tugs at the waistband before eyeing his cock. Hard at the thought of your soft skin against his. 

He rushes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him before closing his eyes as he sits on the marble bench. His hand grips at his cock, tugging once curiously before gasping at the feeling. His toes curl as his head lolls back. Eyes opening wide as his heart begins to beat harder.

He begins to stroke himself, a choked groan leaving his lips. Clasping his hand over his mouth, his eyes begin to water as precum pools at his slit. This is illegal and yet, he can’t stop. It was forbidden to waste sperm in this society. He thinks of the curvature of your ass, how soft and supple the globes of your ass would be. How pretty and puffy your nipples are and he bites down on the skin of his palm as he whimpers. Even your kiss, how soft and warm your lips are. This is euphoric, the feeling of pleasure coursing white hot through his bones as he begins to stroke his cock faster. 

“Jimin? Are you okay?” He hears you faintly through the bathroom door.

“Yes! Fine! Just a minute!” He calls out before he approaches the sink. His hard cock grazing against the cold porcelain sending a shiver down his spine as he stares at himself in the mirror. How could he feel such throes of pleasure? How did this happen? An anomaly. A complete mystery. And, he couldn’t wait to have more. 

Leaving the bathroom, Jimin looks over at the bed. His heart hammering in delight as he gazes upon your parted lips. The shallow breaths you take as you sleep soundly in his bed. His feet patter gently on the hardwood floor as he approaches his bed. Sliding underneath the covers, your body presses into his. Your leg lifts onto his as you press your face into his clothed chest. He finds it comforting, in fact. His lips press to your forehead, his body shivering at the delightful warmth before closing his eyes. Can't wait to have more, is right?

Jimin had to undergo observation today. It was just you and Jin. Trying to teach him chess was like trying to teach a penguin to fly. "So if I move my piece here then you'll be able to check me?" He asks for the third time and you giggle before nodding. 

You've become fond of the handsome outspoken man that sits before you. He was a fun filled presence in this shit world. Tilting his head he scratches at his band on his wrist. Jimin has fish inside of a woven basket, signifying his fertility but Jin's band was different. "Your band. It's different then Jimin's." Jin follows your gaze before nodding. 

"Yeah, in my part of the country fields of wheat signify our fertility." He says before showing you his wrist. You run your thumb over the silver metal, a familiar warmth quite like with Jimin spreads through you and you find Jin smiling with ease. It doesn't seem to bother him or surprise him like it did with you and Jimin. "I feel pleasure." He whispers to you as if he's telling you a massive secret and your eyes widen. 

"You said you didn't." You whisper back and he nods at your words.

"I didn't want Jimin to feel left out." He says before running his thumb over your wrist. It would explain how comfortable he was with holding you and lavishing you with attention. 

"When did you find pleasure?" You question as he smiles at you, his handsome cheekbones bouncing up as he tilts his head.

"Maybe a year ago. With a girl I was mating with. She taught me so many things before she left." You hum to him and as your thumb passes the band once more, the metal shifts and you see black scrawling underneath the band. 

Jin clears his throat before shoving up the band, it's a simple scrawling of a braid and your eyes flit up to Jin's as he puts the band back in place. "A tattoo? Those are illegal." You tell him before leaning back in your arm chair. 

"I masterbate. That's illegal too." He quips before folding his arms. He was intriguing, almost viciously so. 

"Did you miss her? When she went to The Great Home? The girl that taught you pleasure?" Jin clears his throat at your question before sniffing gently. His eyes fall back to the chessboard as he picks up the pawn. 

"She didn't go to The Great Home. She went somewhere else." He mumbles before staring at you. Holding the chess piece up, his fingertips clasping at the base. You tilt your head in confusion as he taps his tattoo. 

"Do you know anything about the Fierce?" He asks leaning forward. That was something that was never talked about. Something that was strictly forbidden and just the mention makes you shift uncomfortably in your chair.

"No, and I don't care to." You say as he throws the pawn piece onto your lap. Jin sighs gently, his fingers card through his black hair before he hums gently. 

"They still exist, you know." Taking in a deep breath you look at the chess table, the eerie calmness of the large house makes you shift once more as you take in his words. “Jin, you really shouldn’t be talking about this. It’s not right.” You whisper as you put the pawn piece back on the chess table.

“She went Elsewhere. We got pregnant and she left for the Ruins. The Fierce live beyond, beyond the entanglement and the Ruins. They live off the land. Rebuilt old hospitals for the sick and dying, the pregnant.” You stand up at his words, chair scraping loudly against the wooden floors as you fold your arms. 

“We could go there, Y/N. All three of us, we could live Elsewhere. We could get pregnant and stay together. You said you didn’t want us to leave you and this way we won’t have to.” Jin says calmly before standing. 

Your mind was fuzzy at his words, heart beating rapidly inside your chest as he makes his accusations. “And how do you know?! How do you know that this is all true?” Your voice is filled with nervousness, your questions ending with squeak as he wraps his arms around you. The warmth fills you then, coursing through your body making your limbs feel sluggish. He shows you his tattoo underneath the band before running his lips over your forehead.

“Because I am one of the Fierce. All those people in the Slums, that you so earnestly give your food tokens to have been brought back. The Masters, they lie. The people in the Slums have been discovered when Peace Makers go out for raids. They get brought back, forced to live in dirt and grime as punishment for defying.” You shake your head, eyes welling with tears as he runs a hand over your hair.

“We can do it, Y/N. We can live Elsewhere.” He promises to you, his fingers clasp at your chin. Pulling your head up, he leans down. His plush lips press to yours and you feel the warmth slowly seep through your bones. The Masters, they lie.

Jimin finds it uncomfortable to be in the car by himself. He wore his new clothes today instead of his one piece. He felt more confident in the body fitting wear than he cared to admit. They poked and prodded at him and he went rigid at their touch. A pair of gloved hands had run over the inner skin of his thighs and he remembers pressing his lips together trying to hold still. It was completely new. This sensation of feeling but no one should know he could feel, he would never give them the satisfaction. If the scientists found out he would be taken away. Taken away from you and he couldn’t let that happen.

He was enamoured by you. Simply in awe of your being. Muddy knuckles take him out of his reverie as people knock on the glass windows. He clears his throat awkwardly, before bringing the car to a stop. “Pouch.” He says aloud, shocked that the car obeys his orders. 

If you were here, this is something you would do. And, he wants to do right by you. Always. Without a second thought he lowers his window, hand digging into the velvet pouch before producing food tokens. He finds it jarring how far the people from the Slums dip their arms into the car, almost touching his face as he puts coins into their hands. You wouldn’t shy away from them, though. You had a sense of serenity whilst doing this task. It wasn’t like you did it for anyone but them, not even for yourself. You were so giving, beyond in ways Jimin could never imagine. Handing out the tokens, his eyes catch sight of black scrawling on all of the wrists and he tilts his head at the sight. 

“What is it?” He asks a woman who thanks him vigorously. 

“It’s Elsewhere, my dear boy.” He furrows his eyebrows at her words before rolling up his window. Elsewhere? He’s never heard of the term. 

The house was deathly quiet when Jimin arrived back. He assumed you would be in the living room but you weren’t there. Nor in the library where you found sanctuary. Jin was nowhere to be found either. It was odd. “Hello?” He calls out to the home, his echo reverberating off of the walls as he intertwined his fingers delicately in front of him. 

“Out back!” He hears Jin call, he sounded breathless and a twinge of jealousy sets into his bones. He sounds like you both have been kissing, like Jimin had done with you so many nights previously. “Foul git.” Jimin mumbles before heading to the backyard.

Setting foot in the backyard, he shys away from your gaze as Jin slings his arm over your shoulders. “Was everything okay?” You ask him as you sit down on the bench, your bare feet sweeping through blades of grass. He hums to you, eyes trying to look anywhere but you before noticing an old looking machine propped up onto the garden table. 

“Whoa.” Jimin whispers before approaching it. 

“I told you movies were real.” You quip happily as his fingers run over the olden technology. 

“How did you get one?” He asks before looking up with wide eyes. “I asked for it, so therefore I get it.” You say happily before patting the bench beside you. 

“Who are you?” He questions for what feels like the billionth time before rolling his eyes as you give the same answer as always. His feet trudge over, sitting down next to you on the large bench. You tilt your head, kissing his cheek and he feels sudden relief spread through him at the warmth of your lips. 

“People used to film themselves playing as other people, with worded prompts. It’s quite fun!” You say before intertwining your fingers with his. You grab the remote in your hand before pressing the play button. The back of the house was perfect for this and Jimin gasps gently as the wall becomes illuminated with the moving pictures. 

“It’s like a hologram.” Jin explains and Jimin nods. 

“This movie is called Titanic. It actually happened a long, long time ago.” You tell him and you find comfort as his body leans into yours as the movie begins to play.

The final credits roll and Jimin finally closes his mouth from the amazement he feels. “Wow, that was...incredible. The singing and the way those people played their parts like that. It was fantastic.” He says, noticing how hard he is clutching onto your hand. 

“And long, damn. That movie is like four thousand hours.” Jin says and Jimin finds himself smiling at his words. 

“They also made very risque movies when people felt pleasure.” He quips an eyebrow at you as you scroll through the contents. 

“Risque? Oh, pornography?” Jin asks with a laugh before holding you closer to his body. Jimin feels at a loss as you point to Jin in confirmation.

“Porn.” You say before pressing play. Jimin hums uncomfortably as a man with a pizza box knocks on a front door. 

“He’s delivering pizza?! That’s like, thirty food tokens!” Jimin says astounded and you giggle before running your thumb over the back of his hand. He chokes on his spit as a woman answers the door naked. His eyes take in her body and for the first time he finds himself stirring at the sight. She wasn’t anything compared to you though, your breasts were quite a bit more wonderful than hers and he counts himself lucky to have seen them now. Probably before Jin, and the thought sets smugness into his expression.

“Why would you order food without a way of payment?” You ask with a laugh at the ridiculousness. 

Jimin was hearing new terms to describe body parts, something about them and the actions he was watching strained his pants as an erection grew. “Pussy.” He mumbles after the man and Jin can’t help but smirk.

“I can teach you, if you like. I’ve seen pornography before.” He tells Jimin. The sudden admission makes him forget about the sexual movie as it plays on the wall. “You have?! That’s so incredible! I would love to learn… Y/N has shown me pleasure, now. I-I feel now.” Jin nods happily before tapping your thigh before standing.

“Come.” He tells the both of you before shutting off the movie and entering the house. 

Jin’s bedroom is quite like Jimin's, he notices as Jin sits down on his bed. Leaning against the doorframe, you raise an eyebrow as Jin leans back on his hands. “I lied to you, Jimin. And, I’m sorry for that.” Jin tells him. 

“Lied? About what?” He asks gently as you sigh gently. 

“I feel pleasure. I lied to you about it because I didn’t want you to feel lonely.” He says quietly. Jimin can’t say he’s angry at this. If anything it seems nice of him to try to make Jimin comfortable, he wasn’t so bad really. “That’s alright, I can experience it now.” 

Jin nods to him before looking at you, “Come, baby.” The pet name was new, something heard from the pornography you three had just watched. You knew it was supposed to be a joke but something inside of you stirs at the simple word.

Jimin sits down on the bench at the foot of the bed as you approach the both of them. “Have you mated before Y/N?” You shake your head to Jin’s question and he nods slowly. 

“Alright. Would you feel uncomfortable getting naked for us?” He asks as he reaches for your hand. His thumb swiping comfortable strokes over your skin as you swallow thickly. You certainly weren’t uncomfortable with the idea, society had taught you that bodies were just bodies but now with the surge of new found pleasure coursing through your bones it was an absolutely titillating suggestion. 

“No. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable.” You whisper and Jin smiles at your words. 

“Go on then.” Jimin sits up straighter as your hands reach for the side of your dress. The ribbon comes undone and you squirm gently as the fabric becomes slack. 

"So pretty." Jin comments as your collarbones come into view. His praise strengthens your resolve and you showly shrug the dress off of your shoulders. Jimin takes a deep breath through his nose. The lacy underwear that adorns your body is so arousing to both men in front of you and Jimin suddenly wonders how he's never felt this before. He shifts on the bench as Jin lowly whistles. "You're beautiful." 

Jimin wishes he knew romantic things to say like that. He wishes he had experience in pleasure before this to truly understand how to get the most out of it. Your hands reach around your back before Jin shakes his head to you. "Come." He stands off of the bed, running his hands over the sheets.

You lay down on the bed, Jin kneeling to one side of you before instructing Jimin to do so. “Nipples and the vagina feel the most pleasurable to a woman, but there are other things too.” He tells Jimin before helping you sit up. He guides Jimin’s hands around your chest and he chokes on a gasp at the warmth of you. 

“Unhooking a bra is fundamental. Step one.” He whispers before pushing some stray hairs behind your ear. 

“When do you ovulate?” Jin asks as he brushes his lips over the apple of your cheek. “Next week.” He nods gently before pulling away.

“There’s little to no risk of her getting pregnant today, so we can just enjoy each other's company.” He whispers as your nipples begin to harden and strain against the lacy fabric of your bra.

“This is illegal.” Jimin reminds the both of you as he struggles to unlatch your bra. Jin chuckles quietly as his lips roam over your neck, licking small circles over the heating skin. You find yourself moaning, a sound that sets Jimin rigid as he finds it even harder to focus on the task at hand. “Not everything illegal, is bad my friend.” Jin whispers before suckling at your neck. 

Finally your bra becomes loose and Jimin sighs happily as he lays you back down gently. Jin pulls the fabric away from you before cooing at your hard nipples. "Baby girl likes it." He mumbles before looking up at Jimin with a glint of deviousness. 

Your nipples are pretty, Jimin finds himself thinking and without thought his hands reach out before recoiling. "It's alright. I want you to touch me." You tell him, feeling liquid arousal pool within you. You've never felt this before, this sudden urge and yearning. Feeling like a live wire waiting for a sudden spark. 

Jin nods to Jimin before leaning back into your neck. The younger man takes into account how your face distorts with pleasure, quite like the woman in that pornographily you had just watched. He watches Jin pluck at the soft skin of your neck, and he finds his hand absentmindedly reaching for his throbbing cock. "Touching yourself is okay, Jimin. It feels great." He whispers before running his fingertips over your bare stomach. Jimin finds it odd how well Jin controls himself, how his need for pleasure doesn't supersede the need to please you. 

"Instead of touching yourself, you can touch Y/N. You can show her how much you want her and it makes your orgasm more worthwhile." Jin instructs before pinning your writhing hips to the bed. Jimin listens, his hands press against your breasts before squeezing gently. Your moan goads him on, feeling powerful that he has made you react in such a way.

His thumbs brush against your hardened nipples and the sob of pleasure you let out makes him recoil quickly. "I'm sorry!" He says confused, simply out of touch with what he should be doing.

"That's okay. You liked it, didn't you sweetheart?" Jin mumbles as his lips trail to the shell of your ear. You nod fervently, body beginning to shake like a leaf as you whimper. 

"She's such a good girl. Go on, Jimin. Touch her pretty tits again." Jimin takes a sharp inhale, his eyes snapping to the older man as such filthy words leave his lips as if this is an everyday thing. "This time why don't you try pinching and rolling them gently." He suggests as he pins you down to the bed harder.

"But… These feed our babies… What if I hurt her?" Jimin asks, carding his fingers through his hair.

"You won't. Don't worry. Just try it, I'm sure our pretty girl will adore it." Jin pulls you into a kiss, the feeling sending you reeling for more as Jimin grabs a hold of your breasts once more. 

He pinches your nipples gently between his fingertips, rolling them for good measure like Jin had told him. The moan you elicit, has his nostrils flaring as his hips rut into the air. He can feel precum leak from his throbbing cock. "When she moans like that, you can kiss her nicely. You want her to feel good. You can even run your tongue over hers. Like this." Jin thrusts his tongue into your mouth, your back arching as your wet muscles slide over one anothers. You grip at his hair pulling him closer to you on instinct and he hums into your mouth.

"That's it. Good girl, baby." You whimper at his praise, head lolling back as his lips caress your skin again. "You can suckle on her skin, that feels good too. But, if you want to leave your marks you leave them where Peace Makers can't see them. They've been trained to look for such things." Jimin finds all of this information wildly fascinating and he has so many questions for the older man beside him but that goes out the window as Jin ghosts his fingers over your pubic bone. 

"Suckle her nipples." He instructs Jimin, earning furrowed eyebrows. 

"What, like a baby?" He asks confused. Jin gently pushes his hand away from her right breast before bowing down. "Not quite." 

His tongue peeks out and Jimin sits on the balls of his feet as he watches with enraptured eyes. Flicking your nipple with the tip of his tongue, his thumbs caress your hip bones as your back bows off of the bed. Your mind is foggy with lust as you grip at his wide shoulders. Jimin takes the lesson in, hand absentmindedly stroking his cock through his pants as Jin's lips encircle your nipple. He sucks gently, a choked moan starling Jimin as he watches your cheeks tinge pink with pleasure. 

You were beautiful, simply gorgeous and he finds his heart swelling as you whimper Jin's name. But, he wants his name to fall from your lips. He wants you to call out to him in your throes of pleasure. Abandoning his cock. His head bows down as Jin lifts up. "That's it." He mumbles as he runs his thumb over your jaw. 

Jimin flicks at your nipple gently, eyes on your face as you moan in unabashed pleasure. He suckles sweetly, trying to gauge how to get his name from you. Suckling harder, he groans against you as he finally hears it. He wants more, so much more.

Without a second though, his hands fly to his waistband about to pull down his pants. Jin chuckles good naturedly before tapping his shoulder. "Your time will come. Don't worry. Baby, can I take off your panties? I think you've soaked them through." You furrow your eyebrows before sitting up on your elbows. Lifting your hips, he pulls your panties from your sodden core. Strings of arousal cling to them before breaking and sticking to your inner thighs. "What is it?" Jimin asks aloud. 

They were given lube for mating. The men took supplements to get an erection and would lube their cocks before rutting until completion. "It's natural lube. Baby girl produces it herself when she wants to be fucked." You widen your eyes at his words before he taps your knees. 

"Spread wide for me, sweetheart." You do as told, enraptured with how wet you are and you gasp gently as Jin splays his fingers in a V motion before spreading your pussy lips. "Look at how wet she is. Does it hurt, baby?" His voice is gentle as he licks his lips. 

"Yes." You reply honestly, you could feel your core throbbing with wanting as he nods. "This is her clit-"

"I know what a clitoris is. It's useless." Jimin mumbles, his cheeks flaring at Jin's words. Jin clicks his teeth before wagging his finger from side to side. "When you don't feel pleasure, it's useless. Look how swollen it is. You can see it throbbing. Her body wants you to touch it." Jin mumbles, before tugging at the crotch of his pants as his erection pressed against the confines of the fabric. 

He holds up his hand before gathering some of your spilt arousal on his two fingers. He looks up at you, your eyes connecting before he touches his fingers to your clit. Your body shakes, arms falling out beneath you as you moan loudly. The loud noise makes Jimin gasp as Jin rubs smooth circles on your throbbing bud. "Baby, you have to be a bit quieter. Okay? Other people don't know what pleasure is like. They might think we're hurting you." He tells you and you clamp your hand over your mouth as you release a shaky breath. 

"Fuck." Jimin curses at how attractive the sight is before him. 

"Lick it." Jin instructs him before running his fingers over your inner thighs. 

"Lick her clit?" Jimin asks as he kneels between your legs. 

"Yeah, lick it. It tastes good. Feels good to get her thrashing beneath you." Watching the handsome man bend down between your legs is so erotic, your eyes widen at the notion of his tongue on you. "I'm going to hold your hips down, sweetheart. You're going to move quite a bit." Jin tells you as he places his hands on your hips.

Jimin's tongue hangs loose, the scent of your arousal wafting through his nose. He groans at the delicious smell, his eyes widening as he gives a flat stripe to your sex. You whimper loudly into your palm as your eyes begin to brim with tears. "Your pussy is so pretty, baby." Jin coos to you as you clamp your hand tighter over your mouth. 

Jimin gives a kitten lick to your clit before looking up at Jin as you writhe underneath his grasp. He winks at the younger man and Jimin does it once more for good measure. Your arousal was thick and sweet on his tongue. The taste driving him mad as he ruts his hard cock against the mattress to take off some of the edge. “Tastes good?” Jimin moans in response as he licks another flat stripe over you.

“Suckle her clit.” Jin whispers before bending down and moving your hand. He kisses you with furious need, his tongue roaming over yours as Jimin begins to suckle gently on your clit. You moan loudly into his mouth, thighs beginning to tremble as Jimin suckles harder. You feel your channel beginning to clench around nothingness, stomach tightening as you grasp onto Jin’s shoulders once more. 

“Put a finger in her pussy.” He instructs quickly as he pulls away. You whimper out, eyes screwing shut as white hot pleasure courses through you. “I-In?” Jimin asks loudly.

Jin pushes him over before running his finger around the tight ring of virgin muscle. “She’s so fucking wet.” He whispers more to himself then to his younger counterpart. He presses his finger to your sex, your muscle swallowing him greedily and he lets out a choked chuckle at your tightness. 

“Oh, sweetheart, your pussy is so tight.” He enters his finger in slowly, your hips lifting off of the bed for more as your body careens towards the precipice of pleasure. “She has a spot inside of her, that if you stroke it nicely she gets great pleasure from.” 

Jimin hums, distracted by how sweet you taste. His eyes on your pleasured face as he licks faster against your clit. He wants to see you reach the peak. He wants you to fall into utter bliss beneath his ministrations. Jin curls his finger upward before finding the soft patch of muscles within you. Your legs lock, toes curling as tears roll down your cheeks. “Good girl.” Jin praises as you clamp your hand over your mouth.

With a loud, long moan your pussy convulses around his finger. Your vision goes white behind your eyelids as you whimper loudly. You feel euphoric, completely and utterly blissed out as you sob. “There. Good job, baby.” Jin whispers before kissing over your thigh. 

Jimin sits up watching your cunt try to milk Jin’s finger and he swallows thickly as his cock throbs within his pants. “Come back down to us.” He whispers before pulling out of you slowly. Your breath is ragged as you lift your head sluggishly. 

“I’m going to teach you how to please us with your mouth now, okay sweetheart?” Jimin furrows his eyebrows in surprise and you nod willingly before sitting up. 

“I’m going to show you on my cock and then Jimin is going to take your pussy. Does that sound good?” He asks before putting his finger in his mouth, groaning gently at your taste. You just felt the most phenomenal pleasure and you couldn’t wait for more. You nod vigorously to Jin and he gives you a sweet smile before helping you sit up. 

Jimin sits back on his heels as Jin tugs down his pants to his knees. Your eyes widen at his large size. You could never have expected to see him this big. Long and thick, rosy colored veins greet your eyes and you whimper at the sight. His bulbous head was an angry shade of red and the precum that pools at his slit makes your mouth water as it slaps against his shirt. He strips himself of the fabric before smirking. 

He knew what he packed but to see you ogle it makes him that much more impressed with himself. Your eyes coast over his golden skin, the way small abs present themself with every deep breath he takes. He was truly handsome, and all yours now that you think about it. “Come.” He whispers before holding his hand out. 

Grasping your wrist, he presses your hand to his cock before shuddering slightly at your warm touch. “Grip it.” He instructs and you do so willingly. The sight so arousing Jimin finds himself whimpering beside you both. 

“Take out your cock, Jimin. It’s okay.” Jin whispers before his eyes flutter shut as you stroke him once for good measure. Feeling every contour and muscle underneath his smooth skin as you watch precum lazily traipse down his length. 

Jimin pulls down his pants, slipping off his shirt a moment after and you take a second to take him in too. His cock was almost as big as Jin’s maybe an inch or so shorter but he was thicker, so thick you wouldn’t be able to wrap your hand around it and touch your thumb to your index finger. “Oh Christ.” You mumble before licking your lips. Eyes glazing over Jimin’s eight pack you feel Jin’s finger tap delicately on your cheek. 

“Right here, sweetheart. Let me teach you.” You look back over, eyes lingering for a second as Jimin’s cock twitches underneath your gaze before giving Jin your attention. “Lick the head.” He instructs before grabbing your hair away from your face.

With a whimper your head bows down, you give a test lick only to hear him gasp through clenched teeth above you. Your thighs press together at the noise, wanting rekindling within you. You lick at his precum, curious of the taste before moaning. He was thick on your tongue, the salty musk enrapturing your taste buds as your eyes widened. “Taste good?” He asks, running his thumb over your collarbone. 

You hum in response as you lick at more as it pools mercilessly. “Good. Some women don’t like it.” He tells Jimin who can’t seem to hear him as his heart beat fills his ears. He grunts gently at the arousing sight. Cock throbbing for release as he watches you. "Swirl the head with your tongue." Jin whispers gently, his hand grasping tighter at your hair as he waits.

You do as told, earning a gentle moan from him and as if on instinct you do it once more before bobbing your head down. He moans loudly then, head lolling back as he curses. "Fuck! Good girl, just like that!" You whimper at the heaviness of his cock on your tongue. You can feel the warmth of his precum coat your mouth as you begin to bob your head over his long length. Whatever couldn't fit was diligently stroked within your grasp. "Ah, s-shit! You sure you haven't d-done this before? Fuck!" He whines and a smile spreads over your lips knowing your pleasing him so well. 

"When she's- fuck- she's sucking your cock you can pinch and roll her nipples like before." Jin tells Jimin before doing so. You moan at his touch, the vibrations of your mouth have his hips thrusting towards you. You gag gently, eyes watering with tears as you whimper. "Aren't you hurting her?" Jimin asks as he wipes stray tears from your cheeks.

"Am I hurting you, baby?" Jin asks delicately as he rolls your nipples lovingly. You shake your head slightly and your tongue licks over his base feeling power surge within you. 

"Oh shit! Good girl!" He mumbles through clenched teeth. Saliva and precum dribble from your mouth, gliding over your chin and Jimin can't take much more. His hand grips at his cock, gasping at the pleasure as he strokes himself. "Stop. Save it for her pretty pussy." Jin finds it within himself to warn Jimin. 

With a huff, he lets his cock go before the older man grips at your head. "I'm going to fuck your face. Tap my thigh if you understand." You tap repeatedly, wanting to feel whatever he gives you. "Sheathe your teeth as best you can." He tells you before thrusting his cock into your mouth. 

You whimper at the action, gasping for air as he grits his teeth. Your eyes meet his, his pupils blown out as he purchases his plush bottom lip between his teeth. "Fuck! You're so good at this! So pretty letting me rut inside of your little mouth." He murmurs and you feel your pussy begin to clench around nothing once more as you feel his cock grow thicker and longer within your mouth. 

"Play with her beautiful nipples, Jimin. Please our girl." He whispers before groaning. Jimin presses his chest to your back, hands reaching around your chest to pluck at your nipples delicately. Whimpering and moaning underneath his ministrations, you find it wildly difficult to concentrate on just about anything. 

"Feel my cock throbbing?" Jin asks you as he runs his thumb over your cheekbone. You whimper in response to him before feeling Jimin's cock glide through your soaked thighs. He moans loudly, pressing his forehead to the back of your head. "I'm going to orgasm for you, sweetheart. Do you want to taste my cum?" You moan loudly in response, so curious to know what it must be like.

Jimin knocks your knees open with his own, primal wanting taking over him as he grazes your shoulder with his plush lips. He runs his cock through your soaked folds. The bulbous head of his cock, dragging deliciously against your clit with each rut. "Y/N. Fuck. I'm cumming, baby." Jin announces as he grips your head harder.

His thrusts become uneven, eyes rolling back in his head as he stills within your mouth. His cock erupts, ropes of warm cum coat your mouth and tongue. You take a deep breath through your nose before swallowing diligently. He moans loudly, hand clamping over his mouth as his body shakes with pleasure. Jimin's eyes are enraptured by the sight, simply yearning for more as he gathers your arousal on his cock. "Wow. Fuck, that was incredible. Thank you, baby." Jin whispers before pulling his softening cock from your mouth. 

He takes notice of how Jimin ruts between your legs before raising his eyebrows. "Lay down for Jimin, baby. He needs some serious relief." Jimin groans at the loss of your heat before spreading your legs and situating himself between them. He was no stranger to this part, he was quite good stamina wise.

He grips at his cock before lining up to your entrance only to have a hand placed on his shoulder. "This is going to hurt her, you'll want to be gentle." He cocks his head to the side.

"I've taken a virginity before. She didn't feel pain." He tells Jin curiously as he lays down beside you. 

"This is different now, she might bleed. You have to be gentle." Jimin nods, not seeing the point in going back and forth. Jin clearly knew so much more than him. 

Jimin's eyes meet yours before softening. You were so beautiful. Truly. "Are you ready?" He asks quietly. 

"Ready." You reply, your hips wiggling with excitement and he can only smile at your earnestness. He prods at your entrance, eyebrows furrowing at how tight your virgin hole is. You grit your teeth as he begins to stretch you. It surely is painful. You gasp with a groan before Jin's lips press to your neck. "Shhh. It's okay, baby. You're okay." Jin whispers before suckling at the skin.

"I'm sorry." Jimin finds himself saying before inching more of himself inside. He moans loudly at your warm, tight channel. Your muscles simply refuse to stretch for him. He bows down as he enters himself to the hilt, his lips suck at your nipples to try and ebb the pain away. "Think about how nice this will be when you're ovulating, hmm? How nice it will be when we get you big and pregnant for us." You whimper at Jin's words as he ghosts his hand over your empty womb.

"How pretty you'll look swollen with our children inside of you. Taking care of them like a good mommy." Jimin feels your cunt relax around him and he gives a small thrust to test it. You both moan, his forehead faltering to the valley of your breasts. His arms shake as he holds himself up. Never before has he felt this euphoria course through him. He whimpers your name gently and you take a small gasp at how loving your name is said upon his lips. "You feel so good. So beautiful." Jimin whispers before kissing over your breasts as he begins a slow pace. You can only moan for him, legs wrapping around his waist as he ruts himself inside of you.

"Fuck! Jimin!" He lifts up only to press his lips to yours. Pleasure was one thing but he feels his heart strings tugging as you moan his name. He can feel this overwhelming surge of emotion take over him as he begins to fuck you faster. Jin's fingertips roll your nipples between then as you lift your hips to each thrust. Moaning loudly into each other's mouths, you run your tongue over his and his hand clamps around the back of your head. His thumb leaves loving strokes against your temple as he gasps into your mouth. He's felt his cock throb for release before but it was always a dull, unpleasurable feeling. Now, he can't help the way his thighs tremble with excitement as your pussy begins to clutch around his. 

"Rub her clit so she'll orgasm on your cock." Jin instructs before pinching your nipples harder. Jimin finds it a shame to let your head go from his grasp but he takes pleasure in seeing your back bow as he rubs circles on your clit.

"J-Jimin! Yes! Please, more!" You gasp out as he groans for you. Using the last bit of strength, he bulldozes himself inside of you. Feeling your velvet walls fucked open by his thick cock. He can feel your cervix folds with every thrust, he wants to get his cum deep inside your womb. "Fuck! Fuck! Y/N!" He cries out as Jin clamps his hands over both of your mouths. You reach climax first, your pussy milking Jimin for his cum as white noise fills your ears. 

"So tight! Fuck!" He whines against Jin's hand as his body falls over yours. He feels it then, his cock growing thicker as pleasure freezes him still. He ruts gently as he moans your name, tears spilling over his cheeks as his cum paints the walls of your cunt. You gasp gently at the warmth as it spreads through you. You sob with the aftershocks of pleasure as Jimin wraps his arms around you. Burying your face into his neck, you kiss over his sweat sheened skin. His eyes meet yours and you both smile at each other. 

You kiss his plush lips before turning your head to Jin. "I want to go Elsewhere." You whisper to him and a smile spreads widely on his face before kissing you deeply. 

"Anywhere you want to go, we will take you." Jim mumbles against your lips before looking at Jimin.

"You'll do it, won't you? We'll get her pregnant and get away. Where we can be a family?" Jin asks the younger man. Jimin pulls out of you gently before pressing his lips into a straight line. He's never been one to want anything, always simply going along with what has been given to him. But now, he can feel. He no longer wanted to be stagnant. He wanted you, and he never wants to let that go.

"Yes. I will go Elsewhere." He says before chuckling as you tackle him into a hug.

Going Elsewhere was not as easy as it seems apparently, there was a lot to do in very little time. It was a stretch to say the experiment would work immediately but you needed to be ready to leave in two weeks time. Just in case. You had taken the boys to every appointment you had, just to be able to drive through the Slums. Seokjin would show his tattoo to the men and women that would approach the car and he would talk to them. Asking news of where the Fierce leave from in order to make their way to the Ruins. You began ordering extra water and things of that nature to store in the house for when you were meant to leave. Jin would roll down the car window, handing food tokens for extra information before receiving a very dirtied piece of parchment that has directions on how to escape. There was a wall, slightly broken and unelectrified from a previous engagement with Peace Makers that you could scale to get away. It was risky, dangerous even as the wall stood ten feet tall but you three had agreed to do it. Although, Jimin felt it necessary to always interject his worries. 

"What about the babies. If she falls, they could get hurt." He whispers aloud as you all eat dinner. You have gotten so close lately. Jimin even found himself admiring the older man to his left instead of the burning jealousy he once felt for him. "We won't let them get hurt, Chim. Don't worry. The babies and Y/N will be safe. I promise you." Jin says before putting his hand over Jimin's. He nods to the older man before eating a piece of his steak.

You look up at them both, pressing the linen napkin to your lips your head tilts. So fond of these men in your home. So loving in nature they are for you and you finally think it's time to tell them. "I have something I want to say." You whisper before sipping the purple tinted water as they look over at you. 

They give you their undivided attention, putting down their utensils and all as they smile at you. It makes you nervous in a way. What if they come to hate you because of your admission? You clear your throat before leaning back in your chair. "Jimin always asks me who I am and I always reply that I'm just Y/N but that isn't true now is it?" You ask before looking between both of the handsome men as they raise their eyebrows. "I get everything I want and...do whatever I please because...I'm...well...I'm…" You take a deep breath before giving a nervous giggle. 

"We love you anyway. You don't have to tell us." Jimin whispers and your heart leaps into your throat at his words. He was the one that always asked you and now it was suddenly okay? They would always wonder and it isn't fair. Not really.

"I'm the Head Masters daughter." Your words tumble past your lips so fast you aren't sure if they even heard you. Jin hums before nodding. "Wow." Jimin mumbles before scratching the top of his head.

"I just...thought you should know. Sin-since I was keeping this from you." You whisper before looking down at your lap. 

"Hey. Hey." Jin whispers before grabbing your hand over the table. "This doesn't change a thing. Does it, Jimin?" Jimin shakes his head quickly before grabbing your other hand.

"We so earnestly love you. This changes nothing. We'll just have to be more careful when leaving. When we get Elsewhere you won't be anyone's daughter. You'll be a wife and a mother. That's all. Hmm?" Jin kisses your hand before looking into your eyes.

"He lied. He taught me all wrong information and kept me here away from everyone else. To protect me." Jimin nods at your words before clicking his teeth.

"Guess we'll just tell our own kids the truth then, won't we babe?" You nod at his words before he kisses your temple. 

"That's all. See. Nothing to it. Love is stronger than lies that generations before us have built." Jin mumbles before standing. You nod slowly before feeling a weight lift off of your chest as he rounds the table. "Come Jimin. Let's show our girl how much we love her."

Today was the day, climbing into the car your knees bounce as the two men you have grown to love sit opposite of you in the car. "Two eggs. It's incredible." Jimin whispers before looking at the document on his lap. He's gotten comfortable with the idea of becoming a father. Loving this child unconditionally with you and Jin by his side. 

"Do you want to go first when we get back? You can't seem to keep your hands off our pretty girl." Jin says with a laugh as Jimin rakes his thumb over your bare knee. Jimin notices this before chuckling to himself. He doesn't pull away however, if anything he leans forward more as he looks up at you. His small eyes wrinkling with happiness before the car comes to a halt at the Slums. 

Jin leans past Jimin, lowering the window before giving out food tokens to the Fierce who have been reclaimed by this dreadful society. "May the Mother deliver you Elsewhere." A woman says to Jin who replies back with the same words before closing the window.

"The Mother?" You ask as the car continues to push on. 

"Mother Earth. The infinite mother who will always reclaim what has been stolen from her." He says before pointing at the Ruins in the distance. Your eyes focus on the ivy that crawls up rubble and abandoned buildings before nodding. Jin is wise. Wise, indeed. 

Jimin looks between the both of you before clearing his throat, "What happens if Y/N only gets pregnant with one child? Or perhaps gets a set of twins from just one of us?" He asks gently. Jin looks at him before slinging his arm over the younger man's shoulder. 

"Then we'll continue to try. Again and again for years to come until we die of old age." He jeers making Jimin laugh before nodding. To think of a future with just these two men that you love, without having to be alone anymore it's far greater than any gift you could ever receive.

Entering the house, as soon as the doors close from public eyes you are swept off your feet by Jimin as he presses a passionate kiss to your lips. "Hi beautiful." He whispers before ascending the stairs as you giggle.

With Jin hot on your trail you find it oddly satisfying to know that you could possibly be with child from the both of them by the end of the night. He gives you a smirk as Jimin kicks the door of your bedroom open with his foot. "I'm so excited." Jimin whispers, earning a laugh from Jin. 

"We see." He replies, finger pointing at Jimin's pants before kneeling beside you and pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. It is with this kiss, that your hips lift off of the bed. Jimin's fingers slowly undo the belt that keeps it wrapped at your side. His hands push at the fabric, warmth radiating from his touch as he drifts over your stomach. “So pretty.” Jin whispers against your lips.

His touch is gentle as he lifts you up, undoing your bra in a quick fashion that makes Jimin practically sulk. Even with all the practice these past days, he wasn’t as skilled at the task like the older man. “Are you excited, sweetheart?” Jin asks peeling away the bra to reveal your hard nipples. 

With a whimper you nod, arousal unfurling within you. “That’s our girl. Excited to get pregnant for us, hmm? Get swollen with our children and show us how fertile your womb is.” Jimin licks at his plush lips before tapping your hip. You lift at his command, his fingers hooking into the sides of your panties before slowly peeling them down. He never gets tired of seeing your natural lubricant. Never gets tired of the taste or the sweet scent. It was perfect. 

He spreads your legs as Jin suckles red and pink marks to the skin of your breasts. His arms enwrap you as your back bows off of the bed, panting and begging for more. Jimin spreads your pussy lips, finding it pretty how your clit becomes swollen with need. "Your pussy is so swollen, baby. You want our babies that badly?" You whimper loudly. He's gotten much more comfortable with speaking such words, words that have you completely undone within a matter of seconds. 

He licks a flat stripe up your sex, watching your body sag into the mattress as you grab onto Jin's arms. "So wet." He mumbles before his lips attach to your clit. Suckling gently, his arms wrap around your thighs as you writhe beneath him. 

Fuck food tokens, this was the only thing he cared to eat for the remainder of his days. "Such a good girl you are." Jin whispers before abandoning your breast to give love to the other. 

"Chim eats your pussy so well, doesn't he sweetheart?" Jin mumbles against your nipple as you beg for more. Jimin hums in response, letting go of one leg to prod two fingers at your weeping cunt. He found the golden spot not long after Jin had taught him where it was, he was getting quite good at pleasing you. So much so that Jin kept telling him how arrogant he was becoming. 

"Behave." Jimin chides you before entering his fingers inside of you. Moaning gently you whisper his name, fueling his deepest desires as he curls his fingers upward to the soft muscle patch inside of you. "Your breasts are going to be so beautiful full of milk for our children." Jimin closes his eyes at Jin's words. Groaning at the thought, he suckles harshly against your clit. Fingertips dragging quickly against the spot inside of you, he relishes at how your thighs clench around him. "That's right, beautiful. Cum for me." Jimin whispers before rubbing smooth circles on your bundle of nerves. 

"Oh fuck! Fuck! Jimin!" You whine loudly as Jin presses his lips to yours. You moan loudly into his mouth as Jimin continues his ministrations against your pussy. You feel the now familiar bubbling within you, raring to let go. Rolling and pinching your nipples, Jin goads you towards your release before pulling away from your lips. "Cum for Chim and we'll put our babies inside of you, sweetheart." Your mind becomes foggy, eyes squeezing shut as Jimin fucks you quickly with his fingers. 

He can feel your pussy begin to pulse around his fingers, and he lets out a wanton moan as your legs clamp around him tighter. "That's it, beautiful." 

"Cum." It comes out as almost a growl from Jimin before you're submitting to his word. White noise fills your ears as you moan loudly. "Good girl, sweetheart." 

A flush of wetness leaves your sopping cunt and Jimin gasps gently before looking up at the older man beside him. Your hips wiggle and they watch you ride out your high. “I’ve heard people say that women can do such a thing. I’ve never seen it before.” Jin mutters out before bending down to kiss you. 

Jimin watches as your tongues swipe over one anothers. Watching how your hips lift at the arousing act. He strips himself of his pants before hissing as he grasps his cock in hand. He still hasn’t been able to keep his desires quite at bay like Jin but he’s definitely getting better. He finds comfort in seeing you so pleased beneath the both of them. Spreading your legs, he taps the head of his cock to your clit just to watch you whimper into Jin’s mouth. “Eyes right here, babe. Let’s go.” Jimin whispers before running his hands over your thighs.

The warmth that creeps through his body, the tingling of fervent needs sets his mind aflame with passion. He watches as Jin pulls away from you slowly, strings of spit clinging to both of your lips as he trails his thumb over your bottom lip. Prodding the head of his cock to your entrance, he shivers as your heat seeps into his bones. He enters you slowly, both of your mouths opening wide as you groan. He was so thick, stretching your needy cunt so well.

“You’re so wet, baby. Fuck.” He whispers before leaning down, his lips encircling your peaked nipples before whimpering. Thrusting in slowly, he savors the way your cunt clutches around him. Begging his cock to get you full of his cum. He sheathes himself to the hilt in your warm, his eyelids fluttering shut at the softness of your cervix folds. “So fertile for my child. So ready to become the mother of my baby.” He whispers above your breast before his eyes meet yours. 

His blown out irises show emotions he never thought he could have. Love. Passion. Pleasure. You’ve taught him so much in such a short time and he would never have to leave you again for a second. “You’ve taught me what love is, what love can be.” He whispers before pressing his plush lips to yours. Jin watches on, heart swelling as he smiles at the sight before him.

He pulls out of you slowly, taking pleasure in the moan you give as he pries your pussy open. “Look at that.” Jin whispers to himself before taking off his own pants. Snapping his hips hard, Jimin thrusts back inside of you before burying his face into your neck. “Going to look so beautiful full of our children. So big and round. Shit.” He whispers into the crook of your neck as his thighs shake with tremors of unabashed pleasure.

“Your pussy is so needy for it, so needy for my cum. Isn’t it baby?” Your back bows off the bed as he begins to pick up his pace. Bulldozing you deeper into the mattress as he moans your name. “I want it! I want your cum deep inside me! Want your babies!” You choke out as you run your fingers through his hair.

“Spread your legs wider sweetheart, take his cock deep in your needy cunt.” Jin whispers as he strokes himself gently to take some of the edge off. Doing as told, your legs butterfly open wider. “Press her knees to her chest.” Jin instructs Jimin.

Jimin’s hands grip at your knees as he pushes them to your breasts, eyes faltering to the sight of his cock disappearing quickly into your pussy. His thighs were so wet with your arousal, the delicious squelching echoing throughout the master bedroom as his eyes screw shut. Jin’s fingers begin to rub circles on your clit, watching as you whimper out the younger man’s name. “Fuck, you’re going to be a good girl and take it. Isn’t that right? You’re going to take my cum deep into your pussy and give me what’s mine. Give me my child.” Jimin mumbles as he runs his fingers through his hair, sweat gracing his golden abs as he forces his thick cock deeper inside of you. He can feel the barrier of your soft cervix and he grits his teeth as every thrust meets it. 

The pleasure builds within you, your hips lift higher as Jimin whispers your name like an ardent poem on his lips. The new angle has Jin’s hand clamping over your mouth as you sob loudly for him. Your body shakes like a leaf as every thrust brushes against the soft muscle within you. Your eyes become spotty, ears becoming dull to everything else as Jin rubs quicker circles on your clit. “I love you. I love you.” Jimin moans like a prayer as he grips at your hips. 

He could feel his balls tightening, his pleasure coming to the precipice. “Oh shit. You’re such a good girl! So ours. Fuck, baby! I’m going to cum! Going to put my child in you! Fuck!” He whines loudly as you grip at the sheets beside you, knuckles going white as your back bows off the bed. 

The pressure within you is intense, so much so you find yourself drooling and babbling against Jin’s hand as he whispers sweet words in your ear. You can feel your head fogging over as he slaps your clit with his hand. The sharp sting coursing through you like a song. “That’s it! Y/N! That’s it. I feel it, I feel your cunt trying to milk my thick cock. Cum for me, baby. Show me how much you want my child.” Jimin begs with a moan as he pinches your nipples roughly.

With a sharp yelp, you tip over the precipice. Careening into a white void as you orgasm for the second time. Jimin gasps loudly, covering his mouth with his hand as he ruts himself inside of you, chasing his own orgasm as you become boneless before him. “Such a good girl cumming for Jimin’s cock like that.” Jin whispers before trailing his thumb over your jaw. 

Whispering your name repeatedly Jimin stills within you. A gentle whimper leaving his lips as he orgasms. Ropes of warm cum lather your aching cunt and you sigh gently at the feeling. “How beautiful you are.” He whispers before leaning down and pressing his lips to yours. You whine gently as he thrusts his softening cock inside of you trying to let every last drop of his cum coat your insides. 

“I love you.” You mumble against his lips and his smile takes your breath away. He nuzzles his nose to yours before kissing you once more. “I love you too.”

He pulls out gently, looking over at Jin before nodding. “Flip onto your front and lift your hips so we can keep as much of Jimin’s cum inside of you while I fuck you.” Jin whispers and you do as told. Angling your hips up, you whine at the odd feeling as Jin shoves Jimin’s cum back inside of your cunt as it oozes from your tight hole. “Gotta keep as much as we can. I want you to get nice and big for us.” He whispers as his lips graze over your shoulder blades. 

It fills Jimin with pride as he watches your cunt cream with his cum, his eyebrow raising at the sheer eroticism of it. That’s his cum, his baby being made within you and his heart swells at the notion. He lays on his back beside you, head dipping underneath your arms as they hold themselves up to suckle at your puffy nipples. With a whimper you ready yourself for more, hips wiggling as Jin knocks your knees open with his own.

“Ready, sweetheart? I’ll be gentle. For now.” He whispers before prodding his cock at your entrance. You hum in affirmation as Jimin rolls your other nipple between his fingertips. “I can’t wait till your breasts are swollen with the milk of our children.” He whispers beneath you and your breath hitches as Jin’s cock begins to spear your cunt open for him. 

He thrusts in slowly, trying to shove Jimin’s cum past your cervix folds as he groans at how lewdly wet and tight you are. “Fuck, you’re so messy with Chim’s cum. Shit. Feels so good on my cock.” Jin mumbles and your body shudders as he buries himself to the hit. You can feel a dull pain flaring at your cervix folds as the head of his cock nestles against them. He gives shallow thrusts trying to fuck the younger mans cum deeper inside of you before groaning. Your eyes flutter shut as you whimper his name.

You feel so full, and yet, so ready for more. Jimin moves his head out of the way letting your body rest on the mattress as you bury your face into the pillow. Jimin’s hand lazily drifts over your cum filled womb as Jin begins to give harsher thrusts. His cock frothing Jimin’s cum as he grips at your hips. “You’re so loved and so precious, sweetheart. I hope you know this.” Jin whispers before snapping his hips back to you. The globes of your ass jiggle upon impact and he can’t help but smack the flesh with his hand as a groan leaves his lips. 

“Jin!” You whine loudly into the mattress as he fucks you faster. Gentle moans and groans leaving his throat as Jimin keeps his hand over your full womb. “You like it, sweetheart? You like getting fucked stupid by the two men who love you? Like getting pumped full of cum to bear our children inside of you?” He asks through gritted teeth as he kneads at the flesh of your ass. 

He lets out a grunt as your pussy clenches at his words. “So fucking ready to be a mother. So beautiful bearing your fertile cunt for us to breed. You’re so amazing, sweetheart. Fuck, I love you.” Jimin takes a sharp breath through his nose at his words and finds it hard within himself to deny how fond he’s grown of the older man before him.

Jin lets out a whine as Jimin’s hands dip between the apex of your thighs. He rubs smooth circles onto your clit as you buck your hips back to Jin at every thrust. “Oh shit! Sweetheart, I can feel your pussy begging for it. Cum on my cock.” He punctuates every word with a harsh thrust, fingers gripping at your hips almost to the point of bruising. 

“Gonna cum again for us, babe? Suck our cum deep in your fertile pussy? Hmm?” Jimin asks, his breath fanning over your neck and face as he hovers above your ear. Jin lets go of your hip to wrap his hand around the back of your neck, pulling you back on to his cock with a force that makes your legs quiver and your breath get hitched within your throat. He lets out a broken sob of pleasure as his head lolls back, eyes screwing shut as he moans wantonly. 

“I’m cumming!” You whine lowly into the mattress as Jin presses his chest to your back. He feels your pussy twitch repeatedly around his cock, getting ready to milk him as your pleasure builds towards its peak once more. “That’s it, sweetheart. Cum for me, cum on my big cock.” You whimper at his words, eyes rolling back in your skull as Jimin pinches your clit like Jin has taught him.

You were a beautiful sight to behold as you orgasm. The way your knuckles clenched tightly at the sheets, as they turned ghost white. The loud, voracious moan that becomes stuttered into the mattress as you call out Jin’s name. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears as he gasps for you, your pussy clenching tightly around him as your muscles goad his orgasm. “Oh yes. Fuck! I’m cumming!” Jin murmurs in unabashed pleasure as he uses his final ounce of energy to bulldoze himself inside of you.

He presses his forehead to the crook of your neck as his hips stutter. His lips caress your shoulder as he orgasms. Ropes of cum caress your filled womb as he whispers your name. "Good girl sweetheart. You're incredible." Jimin smirks at the sight as your body struggles to hold itself up. 

Pulling out of you slowly, Jin's hand caresses your bare back as he kisses over your face. "Stay like this for just a few more minutes, hmm? Let the cum get as deep as possible." He mutters before kissing the top of your head.

Jimin runs his hand over your back before pressing his face into your neck. "We love you." He whispers before laying down beside you. Pressing his lips to your forehead he closes his eyes. "Elsewhere soon." Jin hums to his words.

"Elsewhere soon."

"Fourteen bottles of water, nutrient blocks, water purifier, pain killers, bandages, hooks and rope." Jin reads off the list as you sit in the living room, his hand rubbing at your stomach before putting his feet up on the coffee table. 

Jimin nods before throwing the duffel bag on the floor. "The clothes bag. You have that?" Jimin asks before looking at you. You point to the bag at your feet before clearing your throat. "I asked for some baby clothes and I got some. Diapers as well, the Masters thought I was nesting." You tell them as Jimin sits up to meet your eyes.

"Good. We'll at least have a little something for them." He whispers before looking over at Jin. "When nightfall comes, we'll put the bags in the car. We’ll go tomorrow for the tests and if it’s positive we’ll get out in the Slums and make our way towards the wall.” Jin whispers as he runs his thumb over the black ink on his wrist. 

There was this sort of false confidence in the air, each one of you saying positive things without trying to dwindle on the negatives. There could be lots of things that go wrong but you didn’t want to think of them. You couldn’t. Getting to Elsewhere, you would be free. You could have a family with them. Living off the land and simply being together. That sounds perfect, you couldn’t let anything get in your way. Especially nervousness.

Clearing your throat you lean back into the couch before crossing your arms. “Hey.” Jin says calling both of your attention as he sits forward. “We’re going to be just fine.” 

He kisses your cheek before pulling you into his chest, he smells of fresh soap and lingonberries. It’s a scent that keeps you grounded to the Earth as Jimin sits beside you. “We’re going to be fine.” Jimin utters before kissing your temple.

The outside world never seemed to look so cruel until now. You never thought about how grimy and dull everything was until you were able to truly feel. You never had bile rising in your esophagus as you watched Peace Makers hit people in the fields if they didn’t work fast enough. “Jesus.” Jimin mumbles before looking down at his lap as the car drives by. Jin runs his hand over the bags before looking at you. He gives a smile, trying to be reassuring but you can’t seem to return it. You had so many questions, so much anxiety of what’s to come and sitting in this small car only makes it that much worse. 

“They have fields of animals in Elsewhere.” Jin perks up trying to distract you and you’re grateful for the sudden distracting words. “Do you know how to even milk a cow?” Jimin asks before looking back out the window as his knee begins to jump up and down. 

“I can learn. To feed our family.” He whispers before looking at the silver band on his wrist. Our family. Those two words have your chest puffing up as the fields change to civilization. The restored buildings look tacky now that you really look at them. Concrete buildings boarded up and looking menacing greet your eyes as the car drives by people walking on the streets. Their fashion was quite like yours, holding folders in their arms with the word Classified stamped on them in big red letters. Everything about this society is a fucking lie. It's gobsmacking, truly. Nothing about this place is real. Everyone kept in a giant pig pen of a ten foot wall to insure there would be no escape. 

When you’re found you’re put in the Slums to live out your days, injected with a disease that slowly eats away at the cortex of your brain. Making you frail and damaged. Passing through the Slums now, your heart thuds heavily as you grit your teeth. You would get away. No one would stop you.

Poking and prodding by the scientists is unbearable at this point. Your body feels like a live wire, as they probe you to check for signs of impregnation. Gritting your teeth to keep your legs from jumping you begin to count the tiles on the ceiling. Then you begin to count the flecks of black that speckle them. “You are pregnant.” The words have your head lifting up quickly, almost pulling a muscle in your neck as you widen your eyes. 

“Yeah? How many?” You ask before narrowing your eyes at the sonogram screen.

“Two.” You breathe a sigh of relief before seeing the long needle that is behind the scientist as she checks the fetuses. You were pregnant, and now this was go time. You couldn’t afford to be scared or worried. You have to focus on what will be. And, you will be getting out of this pig pen. 

“What’s that needle for?” You ask the woman as she pulls the probe from you. 

“To take blood from the fetuses and to check who’s babies these are.” You hum before laying back. You hope it’s one from either of them. You could imagine both of their disappointment if they’re a set of twins from just one of them. You hope you wouldn’t have to give them such terrible news. 

“Okay.” The scientist says as she grabs the sheet of paper from the printer. 

“One fetus is from Sector 42A Jimin and one fetus is from District 2 Secortor 3A Seokjin.” You breathe a sigh of relief before nodding. You could cry, you're so delighted but there isn’t time for that now. Born into a life of coddling and being kept safe, you will yourself to see beyond it. To see beyond anything that feels comfortable. You hop off of the examination table before putting your dress back on. Your eyes glancing around the room before spotting the Peace Makers as they walk the two men you love back towards the entrance. 

Tying your hair up in your red ribbon you bow your head to the scientist. She smiles kindly before turning her back to you as she rifles through her documents. Your eyes fall to the tray she keeps beside the examination table and you close your eyes before taking a deep breath. You step gingerly, feet slowly gliding over one another as your hand reaches out for the scalpel on the table. You need it. Or, so you think. You cringe as the tray begins to roll, the wheels squeaking and you turn your head quickly to the scientist as she doesn’t move. “May the Mother take you Elsewhere.” She murmurs before standing up. 

You take a deep inhale through your nose before pocketing the scalpel in your dress before slipping on your shoes. Scuffling out of the room, you slam into a Peace Maker before collecting yourself. You brush your fingers through your now mussed hair before clearing your throat. "I'm sorry ma'am." You bow your head to the Peace Maker before walking towards the exit. Just keep it up, stay normal. As normal as you could be.

"Please tie your hair back up ma'am, wouldn't want you looking defiant." You hear from behind you and you grab your ribbon immediately to tie up your hair. Swallowing thickly you tie your hair up tightly as the French front doors are opened for you. "We will come to collect the Fertile tomorrow morning." You hear a Peace Maker say and you nod to him before looking at the car as it waits for you. Enough time to get away.

Descending the stairs, you find it hard to concentrate as nerves muddle your thinking. Your heart beat is voraciously loud in your ears as you hop into the waiting car. You turn to the men you love before breathing a sigh of relief. The car starts and as you begin to drive away they look at you expectantly. Your hand is placed on your womb before you smile at them. "It worked. Both of you. Fathers." Jin's face breaks out into a smile as Jimin lets out a loud sob. His hands cover his face as he whimpers. 

"Thank you." He mutters out, the sound of a broken sob ripping through his words as he places a hand on your knee. You feel your throat clenched tightly before smiling at him. Jin kisses the back of your hand briefly before looking out the window of the car. "Okay. We have to get to Elsewhere. Our woman and babies depend on it." He tells Jimin who gives a nod as he wipes at his tear streaked cheeks. He finds his resolve as Jin passes him the bag filled with water and other supplies. 

The car already knowing your routine stops in the Slums. There’s a quick glance between all three of you as you take large breaths. “We can do this.” Jin whispers and you nod more to yourself than to him as if that would help you strengthen your resolve. Wrapping your hand around the door handle, you tug it once before a screech echoes throughout the car. “Oh fuck.” Jin whispers before shoving Jimin back as he begins to kick at the door. 

“Someone had to hear that!” Jin yells as people from the Slums begin to pull at the door trying to pry it open. You gasp loudly as the car begins to shudder. “HELP ME!” Jin yells to Jimin who puts his hand on your stomach before kicking hard against the door. The metal creaks and moans as they grit their teeth. Out of the corner of your eye you can see movement in the distance of the empty streets. Men in white peeking around corners to view the commotions.

“Come on….COME ON!” Jin yells loudly, his neck veins jutting out as he kicks at the door with all of his strength. The door goes flying open, a few people getting knocked into the muddy ground. “Let’s go. Now.” He says before climbing out of the car, throwing the duffel bag over his shoulder and holding his hand out to you as Jimin climbs out quickly. “Come on Sweetheart, we have to move.” You whimper, head turning to see men walking down the now filling avenues and you squeak loudly before grabbing his hand. 

“May the Mother take you Elsewhere!” The people of the Slums murmur as you rush by. Mud and dirt smearing on the bottom of your dress as Jin pulls you. You catch him in the rays of sunlight that peak through the decrepit buildings of the Ruin, how handsome his sweat sheened face is. “STOP THEM!” Your breath catches in your throat as Jin looks at you. 

“You’re going to run with me, sweetheart. Quickly now.” He  says before jumping over some strewn cobblestones from a building that had given way a long time ago. There was rubble everywhere as you make your way through the Slums, parts of broken buildings that nature never got to reclaim. Mud and dirt along everything as you jump over dead bodies. You yell out as your feet take off beneath you, jumping over someone who was still twitching as they die. “Don’t look, let’s go baby!” Jimin yells as he throws the bag on a higher part of an abandoned building. He grunts with effort as he jumps up, pulling himself up by the strength of his arms before leaning down and holding out his hand. 

“Come on, baby. We gotta go-” His eyes look up as Jin jumps up beside him, “-We gotta go now!” He yells as Jin holds out his hand. You grip both of their arms as they haul you up and you groan loudly as your knees scrape against the concrete of the building, leaving scrapes and cuts in its wake. Jimin grabs the bag before helping you up, “You okay?!” You nod quickly before hearing shouting outside of the building. 

“Lets go!” Jin yells and as you begin to take off through the slanted building, running up what feels like the biggest hill your eyes catch black markings of mud on the walls. The braid that is tattooed on Jin’s wrist is the same on the wall and you feel a swell of confidence in your heart as you pull out the scalpel from your dress. Stopping for a second you cut away at the loose fabric of your dress, pulling it off at your mid thigh before beginning to run again. Your thighs strain as you force yourself to sprint up the incline of broken floors through the building towards the window. “GET HER!” You whimper as Jimin looks back, his foot catching before he falls. His arms crashing into the floor first as the Peace Makers run their way up the steep incline. “Jimin!” You yell before holding out your hand, he looks up eyes dazed with pain before gripping on to your hand. 

He forces himself up groaning loudly before running towards the broken window of the building. You’ve probably ran up what seems to be dozens of flights and you can feel the adrenaline pumping through your system like nothing you’ve ever felt before. “Through this window!” Jin yells before stepping out on to the window sill. Jumping over a broken floor you groan loudly as your thighs shake. 

“Come on sweetheart!” Jin yells as Jimin lets go of your hand. “Chim!” You yell as he grabs what seems to be an old looking locker. He grits his teeth, dirt and spit gracing his face as he shoves the locker at the Peace Makers as they make their ascent. The locker rolls once before sliding down the large incline and Jimin doesn’t take a second glance to see if his narrow idea has worked. Grabbing your hand he pulls you towards the window before ushering you out. The sun is blinding and you gasl as your hand coils around the windows' broken edges. Only broken glass and rubble lies beneath you as Jin looks forward towards the Ruins and the wall to your left that keeps you from it. “We’re at least seven feet off the ground. Mind yourselves, don’t look down.” Jin says quickly before beginning to scale the outside of the building. 

You groan loudly and your eyes instinctively look down. “Look at me.” You whimper pressing your back hard against the edge of the building, “Sweetheart! Look at me.” Your head whips over to Jin as he wipes at his dirt covered face. 

“Stick with me, yeah? You and the babies, stay with me.” He says before nodding to you. Swallowing you nod back before ripping your gaze off of him towards the Ruins. “We gotta move! They’re coming!” Jimin calls out next to you and with shaky feet you begin to scale the outside perimeter like Jin. Taking deep breaths you try to zone out, only thinking of the way forward and your hand rests on your stomach as Jin comes face to face with the broken wall. He pulls out the rope and hook before taking a deep breath. 

He swings the hook in hand before throwing it with a grunt, it makes a loud ringing noise as it reaches the top of the wall and he tugs on it a few times for good measure. He jumps off of the building before pressing his feet to the wall. “Okay?” Jimin calls out as you all hear crashing and yelling from inside the building. 

Jin gives a thumbs up with a grunt before walking up the wall at a slow pace. “You go first!” You tell Jimin and he widens his eyes at you before putting his hand on your back. “No! Go!” He yells as a foot perches through the window. 

“Go! I’ll cut the rope so they can’t follow us!” You tell him and he sighs loudly before gripping the rope. You put the scalpel between your teeth as he wraps the rope around your waist. He ties it tightly before pressing his feet to the wall and climbing up behind Jin. “Let’s go, baby!” Jimin yells as you grip on to the rope. With every move they make you are hoisted off of the ground, their bodies carrying your weight as you grab the bottom end of the rope. You begin to cut the rope with the scalpel as you are slowly pulled off the ground. 

“They’re breaking the wall line!” A Peace Maker yells before jumping at you, you scream loudly as he catches your feet. The two men above you faltering into the wall at the sudden weight. Your head smacks into the gray wall of concrete as you kick at the Peace Maker as he holds you tightly. You whimper loudly as you hear your name screamed into the open air by Jimin. You grip the scalpel tightly before jutting it into the Peace Maker’s neck. He gurgles, his grip loosening as you gasp loudly. You grip on to the rope as he falls the seven feet with the scalpel still impaled within his flesh. 

“Come on!” Jin yells before groaning as he pulls himself up the rope. You press your feet to the wall before climbing up with them. Your body is exhausted, simply begging for you to quit but you can’t. You need to find Elsewhere. You need to make it. 

You reach the top after a few minutes of hard work before running behind the both of them as they reach the large crack in the wall. Jimin holds you close to him as Jin sets up the rope to abseil down. The wind picks up, the red ribbon in your hair coming loose and flying away in the breeze as Jimin taps your shoulder. “Just a bit longer baby. Come on.” Jimin murmurs before kissing your temple and handing you the rope. He descends above you last and you hear Jin yelp out as he falls from the rope. “JIN!” You scream loudly as his back makes contact with the grassy floor. The wind is knocked out of him as he gasps for air, coughing loudly as he puts his arm over his face.

You scream incoherently as you try to descend faster, your hands becoming chaffed and red with rope burn. You jump down the final few inches before putting your hands to his chest. He gives you a small smile before sitting up slowly. “Rope burn.” He whispers before showing you his bleeding hands. Jimin jumps off the rope before helping Jin up as sirens begin to scream loudly throughout the distance. 

“I guess your dad knows you ran away, huh?” Jimin asks you before looking up at the Ruins. He bends down before running his hand through the grass. “I’ve never felt grass before.” He whispers before looking up at the both of you as Jin pulls a water bottle from the bag. He cracks the top open before pointing to a building in the distance. 

He pours the water on to his hands before groaning through gritted teeth. “That’s the Way Station. We have to make it there.” He tells you both before passing you the water bottle. 

“Drink. You aren’t just you anymore, we have to take care of the babies too.” He whispers before wiping his shaking hands on his pants. Jimin stands up before slinging the bag back on his shoulders. “Let’s go then.” 

The trip to the Way Station was wondrous in a way. To see all these vines and trees sprouting out of the ground, Earth taking back civilization, it’s incredible. To see deer and other wildlife so close as you jog through. The way that waterfalls have created themselves through broken streets and buildings, it’s eye opening. 

“Through here!” Jin yells happily as the tattoo shows up painted on a wall close to the Way Station. Climbing through a broken window, you realize that this was once someone’s home. Pictures in frames of a family, smiling happily as they sit outside of the house you just entered. You could see dishes set out on the table as if the family were about to eat right before The Great End happened. It makes your heart clench as you pick up the photo. You break the frame before taking the picture out of the broken glass. Jimin stops his jog through the house before looking back at you. He holds his hand out before smiling, his eyes closing tightly. “We’re home.” He whispers as you take his hand. Jin shoves open the back door before turning to the both of you as he folds his arms. “Come sweetheart.”

Walking through the house to the backdoor you focus on the building as it comes into sight, you can see shadows of people moving throughout the building and your breath hitches in your throat as Jin jumps down the patio stairs. He jogs over to the white fence that is broken down before looking up at the Way Station. It’s with tear filled eyes that Jimin clasps tightly on to your hand as you follow behind Jin. He takes a deep sigh before stepping up to the glass door of the Way Station and knocking five times. You hold your breath as shadows and murmurs echo throughout the station before the front door opens. An old woman, white hair down to her waist smiles at you as you put your hand on your flat stomach. “Welcome to Elsewhere.”

“What’re you up to?” Jimin whispers to his daughter as she picks a daffodil from the field before you. You smirk as your hand is placed on your growing belly before looking back at the wooden cabin you found shelter in all those years ago during your escape. Jin groans loudly as he sits down beside you, his plush lips brush against your temple as he sighs. “Thank you for trusting me.” He whispers before putting his hand on your belly. 

“Hey! Jiseok!” Jimin calls to your other son as he jumps onto the ledge of the hill you live upon. He turns to Jimin with a wide smile and Jimin immediately melts at his gaze. “Get down from there, you know we stay hidden from prying eyes.” Jin chides his son before rubbing your belly. You look out into the distance before putting your head on Jin’s shoulder, your eyes taking in the Ruins in the far distance and the Capital even further beyond that. It’s been seven years since you ran away. Seven years since you’ve found yourself and found the safety of the world beyond what you once knew. Seven years since you found the men you love and could be with them forever. “If someone was to ask mommy who she is, what do you think she would say?” Jimin asks as he places his daughter in his lap before pushing some stray hairs behind her ears. She puffs out her cheeks, making your nose wrinkle as you begin to smile. 

“Just Y/N.” Your daughter says loudly before holding out the daffodil to you. You lean forward, Jin’s hand resting underneath your belly for support as you grab the yellow flower. You nod to her before running your thumb over your cheek like Jin has done so many times over the years to you. “That’s right. Just Y/N.” You whisper before looking back up at the city in the far distance.

“Just Y/N.”

#btswritingcafe #btscreatorscorner #btswritersclub #bts smut #impreg kink #poly!au #dystopic!au #jimin #seokjin #bts fluff #bts angst #jimin x reader #jin x reader #strangers to lovers

[emiewritesthings]

a place of our own - jay halstead

jay halstead x fem!reader

summary: in which y/n and jay throw a small get together in celebration of buying their first house together

requested?: yesss by anonymous  (can I request a Jay x reader where it took some time for the together but they've been now dating for 2 or 3 years and decided to move in together and they celebrate it throwing a party with close friends and jay surprises her proposing with a heartfelt speech? please and thank you 🥰 )

warnings: none

a/n: thank you for all your support over the past week :) it literally makes me so emotional to think people are liking what i write. any feedback is always welcomed, thank you for everything 

- emie <3

masterlist

in all honesty, when jay had put the deposit down for the house, y/n didn’t know what he saw in it. it was their first time buying a house as a couple, both giving up their apartments that were on the opposite ends of the city to be reunited in a place of their own. 

it was beaten up pretty badly; a few of the front windows were missing the glass, spray paint decorated a few of the bricks courtesy of some local kids. not to mention it was cold and damp, not giving off the warmest of welcomes. but jay was adamant that it was their house, their home.

it took its time, but months later y/n had to admit that the transformation the brick structure had undergone was remarkable.

everything y/n could want was handed to her on a silver platter. the once yellow tinted cream, mouldy walls had been covered by a fresh layer of grey paint. the broken floorboards replaced and covered by thick, soft carpets. y/n had nominated herself as chief decorator, since she had no desire to help jay deal with the technical stuff earlier on in the project. not that jay was complaining.

y/n could still remember the look of shock when she had returned from her ‘quick trip’ to ikea with a large amount of pillows and throws, stressing they were essential pieces of her aesthetic. but jay didn’t mind, he loved the thought of living a house that was covered in reminders of the woman he loved so dearly. 

it was sometime in mid-july when y/n had declared she had officially finished the renovation of 1135 Butterfly Gardens. for a week or so, the pair allowed them to soak in their hard work, admiring how each room was a reminder that they were finally together. 

to think that the two had been so hesitant to start dating in the beginning felt ridiculous. y/n cursed her past self for never daring to admit her feelings to jay earlier, but she was thankful for the last 3 years they had spent together. 

side by side till the end of the line.

 it had been one of those cliche quotes that jay had bought on a card for their first anniversary, but it had strangely stuck. y/n had assured that in their room hung a picture of the two with the words carefully printed beneath it.

of course, in traditional y/n style, she couldn’t wait to invite their friends over. it had been on their day off that they had invited the members of their chosen family over to the house. y/n had been rushing around cleaning every surface in sight, as if their friends would turn their noses up at the sight of a speck of dusk. but y/n couldn’t help it, cleaning was her coping mechanism. and she couldn’t deny the anxiety raketing through her veins.

unfortunately she had been so caught up in her own head, that she had failed to notice the strange behaviour she was receiving from her other half. jay had been acting rather distant in the days leading up to the party. he would go out for long ‘walks’, coming back and locking himself in what y/n called his ‘mancave’. he would take calls outside and when y/n asked him what was wrong he would brush it off and just kiss her lips in hope of distracting her. obviously it worked every time, who wouldn’t be with a man like jay halstead kissing them?

the ringing of the doorbell had caught y/n off guard. having spent the majority of her day in the kitchen cooking every recipe her grandmother had ever taught her, she abandoned the oven mitts and sprinted in the direction of the front door. thankfully, however, by the time she reached it, jay was already stood with kevin, adam, will and nat. 

“there she is, the woman of the hour!” kevin cheered, being the first to embrace her tightly into his large, muscular arms. his lips pressing a sweet kiss onto her forehead in joy of seeing the woman.

kevin and y/n had gone to school together since elementry, in fact y/n had helped kevin for years raising his two siblings. he had been the one to introduce jay to y/n, when she showed up to the district, ready to spend her lunch break with her best friend.

let’s just say kevin had given her a slight nudge to reveal her true feelings to jay, telling her he had already brought a suit for their wedding. classic kevin, dramatic as always. 

letting her go, y/n hugged the rest of the group. thanking them for their house warming gifts that they had given to jay. by the end of the hour their house was filled with close friends. y/n had been so busy catching up with those she hadn’t seen in weeks that she had hardly seen jay all day. the times she had seen him, he had made an excuse to leave and go find will, who now she thought about it had been smiling at her an awful lot. 

walking into the backyard with kim and nat stuck to her side, she couldn’t help but feel her entire soul relax at the sight of her man sat in a garden chair, chuckling along with something that adam had said.

with a mission in her hands, she didn’t even glance at the spare garden chairs littered around the garden. instead, y/n walked up to jay and perched herself on his lap. a worrying thought passing her mind that she was too heavy, but before she could consider getting off, jay weaved his arms around her waist pulling her closer. 

“hey, baby.” he greeted, pressing his lips against the skin her yellow sundress exposed on her shoulder. the feeling was addicting, but with company around, it was gone as quick as it arrived. 

“am i losing my mind or have you been avoiding me?” blunt as always, y/n looked back at jay. her eyes studying how his adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped. y/n knew jay was a good liar, i mean part of his job was going undercover and keeping up a lie. meaning whatever he was hiding, whatever he wasn’t telling her had to be big. 

“of course not, i’ve just been busy, you know?” y/n didn’t know, because he had been taking extra measures to spend time with anyone but him. she had seen him have a thirty minute conversation with mouch about his favourite type of chile. if that was what busy looked like, she might have muddled up her definitions up. 

“okay then.” she stated blankly, standing up with such force that jay’s arms instantly fell off her body. jay watched with cautious eyes, half expecting y/n to dig deeper into whatever was going on, but instead she took a seat in between adam and kevin. her eyes didn’t glance over to him once, instead she began conversation with the two men with no intentions of inviting jay into their whispers.

jay frowned, knowing she was serving him a large dish of his own medicine. the feeling of someone patting him on the shoulder made him draw his eyes away from y/n and land of his brother, who was smirking like an idiot.

“she really has you wrapped around her finger, huh?” he teased, handing jay another beer that he had left for a few moments before y/n’s arrival. not bothering to give his brother the satisfaction of answering, he brought the bottle to his lips and took a large swig. feeling the taste ease his nerves before shoving it back in his brother’s hands.

“i’m gonna do it.” he confirmed, nodding his head more to motivate himself than will. the doctor patted his back lightly, urging him to go on. subtly jay tapped his jacket until he felt the cube-shaped object against his chest. briniging himself to his feet, he wandered away from the group and stood in the middle of the garden.

“excuse me! excuse me!” the music that was lightly playing from the various speakers placed around silenced, thanks to the help of will. all eyes, including that of his beloved, moved to him. a slight chill running through him as his mind reminded him that he was doing this and he was doing this now. “i just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for coming to celebrate with me and y/n. hell knows, we would most likely not even be together if it wasn’t for some of you guys, so it’s a pleasure to be sharing this step in our relationship with you guys.” 

jay’s chest fell tight with anticipation. breath, come on halstead, he thought.

“sometimes i think about the first time i met y/n, i think about how much time we wasted trying to trick ourselves into believing we were ever ‘just friends’. quite frankly i think i fell in love with her the moment i met her. i had this beautiful, intelligent, unbelievably challenging woman in front of me and i nearly let her go.”

jay had to take a second to keep the tears in his eyes at bay, mustering up the courage to look at y/n, who had began to become emotional herself. with a simple outreached arm, y/n got the hint that he wanted her by his side, as she pushed herself away from the white plastic chair and joined him. hand in his, smiling up as he continued.

“i don’t want to imagine a life without you. without your awful singing, without your obsessive cleaning, without your strange taste in tv shows,” the crowd chuckled, but jay wasn’t even paying attention, caught up in the loving storm behind y/n’s eyes. “i’m done wasting my time because for once in my life i know what i want.”

not knowing what was about to happen, y/n’s face dropped as jay fell to one knee. his hands shaking as one of them searched into his jacket pocket before bringing out a scarlett velvet box. y/n had to swallow the sob of pure joy, when he pried it open revealing the significant jewel resting on the gold band. 

“y/n y/l/n i love you,” his voice cracked, making the crowd hollar in excitement. the sound of people taking photos didn’t throw off jay’s roll though. “and it would make me the happiest person alive if you would do me the honour of being my wife.” jay’s words were deep from his heart, as both pairs of watery eyes held one another’s gaze comfortingly. 

y/n had never imagined a life with anyone but jay. she couldn’t remember how many times they had stayed awake deep within the hours of the morning talking about their future together: getting married, having kids, getting a dog. but none of it felt quite as real as the moment she saw jay on his knee, with hope glazing all his features.

“yes.” she sang so softly that it could have easily been missed by anyone, but to jay it might as well have been yelled through a megaphone. 

“she said yes!” kevin yells, erupting the audience of the intimate moment into an uproar. jay stood from his position on the ground, not giving it a minute before pushing his lips against her’s. the kiss was filled with every ounce of passion they had felt over the years they had known one another. 

when y/n felt her chest squeeze against her lungs, she allowed herself to retract. keeping her forehead against his, she watched as he slid the ring out of the box and onto her finger. the midsummer sun catching the large diamond, making it light up like a disco ball. 

“so this is why you have been ignoring me?” she snorted, feeling ridiculous for thinking that he had been hiding some bombshell of a secret. jay’s cheeks filled with heat, as he looked from her eyes to her lips, before returning them to the loveable pools of colour.

“side by side,” he began, looking at her expectantly.

“till the end of the line.”

#Jay #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead #jayhalstead #jay halstead x you #halstead #hank #will halstead #halstead x reader #halstead x you #chicago #Chicago Fire #ChicagoFire #Chicago PD #chicagopd #cpd #cfd #med #chicago med #natalie manning #kim burgess #erin linsay #hailey upton #trudy platt #antonio dawson #adam ruzek #kevin atwater #romance #love #fiction

[artificialqueens]

End of the Day (Crystal x Gigi) - Ashley

A/N: The plan was simple. All Crystal had to do was pretend to be her twin for one week: sit silently in seminars, only leave her room for her basic necessities and stick closely to the set of rules she was left with. Only the rule that stated she “mustn’t bother the bitch from downstairs” became a lot harder for Crystal to follow once she had laid eyes on Gigi Goode.

Hope you guys like this!! Think of it as Breakfast at Tiffany’s meets She’s the Man only at a Russell Group where there’s a stereotype around every corner. Sending infinite thank you’s to Meggie for being a fab beta. p.s thanks so much for all the lovely feedback for Everything Has Changed (I could have cried reading some of it)…xoxo Ashley.

“No way.” Crystal dropped the pencil she toyed with, a laugh squeaking out of her throat at her sister’s audacity.

“It’s only a week,” she pleaded over the phone, the voice that had convinced Crystal to do stupid things since they were children making its reappearance.

“You seriously want me to pretend to be you just so you can jet off to Majorca to see that creep?” 

“Yes!” Elle ignored Crystal’s clear disdain. “That is exactly what I want. We used to do it all the time in school.”

“You’re crazy, actually insane.”

Crystal was used to her sister’s wild antics, but this plot may have been a step too far.

“But you love me.”

“I hate you.”

“It’s not like you have any plans.” Elle held no hesitation in poking the bear - the boundaries between the two twins almost non-existent.

“I have Depop orders actually,” Crystal snapped back, a tiny part of resentment that her sister was attending one of the best universities in the country whilst she was sitting at home making jewellery rising inside of her body but not quite breaking the surface.

“£200.”

Crystal stopped in her tracks - now she was listening.

“It won’t work anyway, people will notice!”

“They won’t. I don’t speak to anyone in my college anyway and my course friends won’t say anything, just stay in bed all day once you’ve been to my seminars. I’ll even give you my Disney+ password.”

A hint of worry rose in Crystal’s mind; she wondered how her more outgoing other half had managed to go to university and not make friends in her accommodation. Where Crystal was shy and nervous throughout the entirety of her education, Elle had never been afraid to put herself out there, always surrounded by one group of pretty girls or another. “So what am I supposed to do in these seminars then? It’s not like I have an extensive knowledge of anthropology is it?”

“All you have to do is sign in and sit there pretending to type - they don’t even pick on you I swear. And it’s the last week before we break up so everyone will be really chill.”

“£300,” Crystal responded, the idea of escaping the four walls of her bedroom whilst making three months of her usual income beginning to tempt her, cursing internally at how easily convinced she was.

“I can’t give you £300.” Crystal could hear that her sister was talking through a grin despite not being able to see her face, the grin that meant she’d won.

“Well, you can’t go to Majorca then.”

“Three hundred pounds it is,” Elle agreed. “But you better get me a decent Christmas present.”

“Deal,” Crystal responded, knowing she had already purchased her sister’s gift two months prior. “Now, tell me absolutely everything I need to know about collegiate life.”

“It’s a good job. I knew you’d say yes and already planned this part out.” Elle beamed, proud at her ability to convince her timid younger-by-ten-minutes sister to do almost anything.

***

If secondary school was supposed to be a jungle of cliques, then Elle’s college may as well have been the Amazon rainforest.

Walking through the incredibly hard to find dining hall for breakfast, Crystal could make out almost every university stereotype she could think of, each confined to their own special hold.

From the druggies to the athletes, to the Oxbridge rejects, to the girls who borrowed daddy’s credit card - they were all there and thriving. A small part of Crystal wanted to go and sit with who she decided were the artsy girls despite knowing her sister wouldn’t be caught dead doing so.

Trying not to draw attention to herself, she kept her head down as she made it to the front of the queue, Elle’s clear step-by-step of how she approached meals playing through her head on repeat, the weeks of planning for this moment all coming into play.

Only at that moment, she panicked, the child’s paint by numbers that were her instructions started to turn into a set of IKEA diagrams without captions in her brain. Wishing she’d stuck to eating a pot noodle in her sister’s room, Crystal’s body froze in a state of fear after dolloping a ladle of baked beans onto her toast. A tonne (or maybe ten tonnes) of bricks smacked her right between the eyes. She knew she wouldn’t be able to pull this off. The lack of self-confidence she always battled with ran thick through her veins, her thoughts turning to ways she could go home and return to the comfort of her hometown, willing to sacrifice her sister’s already flagged attendance and the three hundred pounds to be watching Bake Off with her mam in the kitchen.

It almost happened in slow motion, time losing its speed as the boy behind her walked into Crystal’s back, propelling her tray forward onto an unsuspecting blonde. An unsuspecting blonde who seemed the opposite of dumb.

“What the fuck?” She snapped her head around to Crystal, thick brows furrowed and pink lips pursed.

“I’m sorr-” Crystal started, beating herself up internally at how she had managed to do the exact opposite of laying low despite being only one night into her weeklong mission.

“This won’t come out!” The girl started turning her neck frantically to the back of her shirt, the white satin stained bright orange.

Her mouth opening but no words coming out, Crystal didn’t have a chance to apologise again before the girl had a swarm of minions dabbing her back with tissues.

“It’ll be okay, G.” One of them took her hand.  Crystal wanted to burst out in tears like she usually did at the smallest sign of conflict, pinching the skin on the back of her hand and looking at the white ceiling lights to stop herself.

“So long as people look where they’re going.” The girl, G, cast a terrifying yet beautiful scowl in Crystal’s direction before sauntering away.

So much for laying low, she sighed before leaving the queue herself, her body tingling as if she’d hit her funny bone over a dozen times. The girl’s stare still imprinted in the back of her eyes.

Having narrowly avoided a panic attack, Crystal thought hard about her old coping mechanisms and tried her best to remain positive as she did after these situations, sitting down at an empty table and giving herself a pat on the back that she had at least passed as Elle without any doubts, ready to take the rest of her day by storm (also known as sitting in silence and occasionally nodding her head as a bunch of middle ages men discuss human evolution and diversity).

***

Having achieved three B grades by the end of sixth form and the award for ‘most creative’ in their final assembly, Crystal always thought of herself as somewhat intelligent and capable of living in the real world despite her decision not to go to university like her sister.

Yet there she stood, her face in a scowl and her fist in a ball, completely and utterly perplexed by the laundry system.

After sleeping in her sister’s dirty sheets the night before, she had arrived back to the college with hopes of resting her head on a pillow that wasn’t mascara stained and washing her face with a flannel sans toothpaste blobs (which was basic hygiene in Crystal’s opinion, but she hadn’t expected anything more from her twin). Only those dreams were temporarily dashed as she spent an entire thirty minutes pressing buttons and swiping the card Elle had left her manically against an aged machine. 

Thirty-six internet searches and two desperate phone calls to her sister later, Crystal was beaming at the sheets swirling around, not a care in the world at how much of a psychopath she would look to anyone entering the room, the stress she had previously faced in getting the machine to work inducing her to stay and wait for the clothes to wash instead of leaving them like normal practice. 

Elle had seemed happy on the phone, gushing to Crystal about how tanned she’d gotten in such a short space of time and how delicious all the food was - Crystal shutting her down quickly by reminding her that such a tan would only alert their mother to the fact she’d spent a week abroad visiting the sleazy holiday rep she’d fallen in love with that summer rather than in the brown-bricked, straight from a horror movie, sixties’ style complex that Crystal was currently residing in.

Crystal made a mental note to text her mam later and tell her how much she was enjoying her time “visiting her sister” - knowing fine well that talking to her on the phone would probably cause her to crumble and confess their scheme.

She had always been a family orientated person, always choosing a night in the house watching movies over playing out with friends, crying buckets the day her sister moved out and started a new chapter of her life without her. It was clear her mother wanted her to get out into the world, knowing she was capable of more than selling jewellery online, but unlike her sister, Crystal wasn’t quite ready to leave her home yet, needing that extra push to get her feet moving that just hadn’t come her way yet.

She figured that spending a week pretending to be her sister may actually be a good start.

Lost away with her head in the clouds like usual, Crystal was snapped back to surface level as her phone chimed to signal the end of the cycle, only to find herself even more frustrated when she realised that no dryers were free.

Today really hadn’t been her day. 

She personally blamed the lack of lucky necklace around her neck (Elle telling her specifically during their planning stages that she would never wear such a monstrosity and Crystal following suit despite knowing it was only entrenched in their rules because her sister thought it was ugly). Her secret superstitious side kicking in, she thanked herself for bringing some of her jewellery making gadgets with her, figuring she’d have to make her own version of it, for now, it wasn’t as if she had any better way to spend her evening.

Seeing a dryer with two minutes left until it timed out, Crystal figured she’d simply wait until it had been emptied to use it, allowing her brain to return back to Pinterest for a short period of time.

But ten minutes passed and no one came to empty the machine.

She glanced at the other piles of clothes that lay on top of the machines, figuring it was normal to remove other people’s when none were free, the thought of her sheets staying wet and crinkled making her feel uneasy.

Opening the dryer, she was hit immediately by a waft of lavender, reassuring herself that it was okay to move the clothes and feeling almost proud of herself for making a leap the old Crystal would have ran from in fear of awkwardness. 

Being her most careful, she picked the clothes one by one and started to fold them, her brain subconsciously admiring the mystery tartan-wearer’s sense of fashion and wishing she had the confidence to wear some of the outfits. That was when her hands met a satin blouse, a familiar satin blouse with an orange tinge on its white back.

Before she had time to process that the clothes she was moving belonged to the pretty girl from breakfast, Crystal’s train of thought was interrupted by the devil herself.

“Admiring your handiwork?” She strutted over and snatched the shirt back from Crystal’s hands.

Crystal couldn’t quite place her accent but she knew it was Southern. Her overactive imagination hearing the girl whisper dirty thoughts to her in that posh voice without being able to stop herself.

Oh, fuck.

“I’m sorry.” Crystal turned to her, not even attempting to act like anything other than the soft wimp she was inside. “I didn’t mean to.”

Crystal looked into the girl’s eyes, almost seeing her melt a little before her.

She felt the tension between them, dense and heavy in the air.

“It’s fine,” the blonde responded, losing the passive-aggressive tone she’d carried beforehand but still not sounding entirely sincere as she began to throw her clothes into her hamper. 

Crystal couldn’t help but gawk a little as she began to strut away, her body swishing like a model’s as she made her way out of the room, pausing for a second at the door.

“Can you do me a favour, though?” the girl called back to Crystal.

‘I think I’d give both of my kidneys to you’ Crystal thought. Only it instead came out as an awkwardly stuttered, “Erm, sure.”

“Turn your music down, please.” She shot a sarcastic smile in Crystal’s direction. Crystal felt it burrow straight through her chest cavity and into her fast-beating heart. “I know that anthropology may be a bit simpler than most degrees, but some of us really struggle to work when all they can hear is your shit music directly above them.”

Her mouth dropping open to catch flies as the girl left the room for good, a pang of realisation hit Crystal.

Opening her phone and flicking through the dramatic guide to her sister’s university life that was now saved at the top of her notes, she found what she’d been looking for:

“12. DO NOT, under any circumstances, bother the bitch downstairs.”

Too late, Crystal thought to herself, wondering how many more of her sister’s rules she would have broken by the end of the week.

***

Crystal would be lying if she said she hadn’t been watching out for the blonde that week, whose name she had figured out (after an intensive Facebook stalking session) to be Gigi. 

Yes, she was lying low, not leaving Elle’s room other than for seminars and to eat - but that didn’t stop her from taking stolen glances at the girl across the dining hall or walking up that second flight of stairs to the room just a fraction slower than she did the first flight.

Three days at university and she’d somehow turned back into a fourteen-year-old girl fantasising about the most popular girl in the class.

Except this time, the popular girl didn’t even know her real name.

She felt like Tracy from Hairspray - one look and she could hear the wedding bells playing in the back of her head. 

But at the same time, Crystal knew what was at stake - leaving their interactions to intense eye contact and mumbled “excuse mes,” knowing that even speaking to Gigi again could blow her entire cover.

Yet, she somehow managed to do exactly that on Wednesday night. Or, technically, the early hours of Thursday morning.

At first, Crystal tried to ignore the argument below her, drowning out their voices with her headphones (partly because she felt like she was intruding and partly because listening to people screaming at each other, like a lot of things, made her cry). However, as the war below was still awaiting a cease-fire, snippets of conversation slid their way into the room.

“Why do you have to do this on every night out?”

“I just want what’s best for you.”

“You don’t know what’s best for me.”

She could hear the pain in Gigi’s voice heighten right before her door slammed, Crystal wincing in bed at the sound.

Expecting to hear male footsteps stomp away, Crystal was surprised to instead hear lighter ones, making their way up the stairs and past her landing, a muffled sob travelling through her door.

Looking out of the window, she squinted in the dark until she saw the red glow of a cigarette from their fire escape, the hum of an unfamiliar tune making its way through the thin walls.

She knew it was a risk, but it was one that Crystal couldn’t help but take when she thought of the beautiful girl from the laundry room freezing in the cold.

Grabbing her sister’s spare dressing gown, she made her way onto the landing, taking a deep breath before going out onto the fire escape.

Logic and speech pushed to the back part of her mind, Crystal simply made her way over to the other girl and sat down beside her, placing the dressing gown over her slim shoulders.

Even in the dark, she could see how perfect Gigi was.

The mole on the side of her cheek.

The soft pout on her lips.

Despite the mascara smudged down her face and her eyes stinging red, Crystal thought she looked like an angel.

“Hi,” Gigi spoke to her, dropping the cigarette she smoked on the floor and pressing it out with her trainers. 

“Hi,” Crystal spoke back, unsure of what to say to the girl, blood rushing through her at a rate of knots, nervous filling her body and bursting through her head like she was some sort of human kettle.

“I guess you know what I mean about the music now.”

“Yeah.” Crystal nodded in the dark. “It’s noted.”

“I’m sorry about Karl…” Gigi trailed off, taking some time before speaking again. “He just gets like that sometimes when he’s had a drink. I know he doesn’t mean it. I guess you know that.”

Unsure of who Karl was, or why she was supposed to know that, Crystal began to feel like she was drowning. Only instead of jumping on the next lifeboat, she swam down deeper for Gigi.

A part of her was afraid, afraid she’d read the aura surrounding the other girl so wrong, afraid that Karl was her boyfriend.

“Mmhmm,” Crystal responded, maybe a bit more high pitched than she naturally would have.

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s my best friend. But sometimes a part of me thinks that he just doesn’t have any idea who I really am if you get me.” 

Crystal couldn’t have understood any better at that moment.

All she wanted to do was tell her. To tell her how hard it was when everyone expected you to be the same as another person. How awful it felt when they never knew the real you, only a shell of the more outgoing sister.

Only she couldn’t, so she did the next best thing and placed her hand on the girl’s forearm, instantly getting a shock at how cold she felt.

“Do you wanna go inside? We can make hot chocolate,” she suggested, noting how Gigi’s body relaxed under her touch.

“He’s still in my room.” Gigi rolled her eyes. “I just can’t deal with him right now, it needs to be left for the morning.”

“You can stay in mine,” Crystal asked, squeezing her grip ever so slightly.

What was she doing?

This wasn’t part of the plan.

And it was certainly breaking some of the rules.

Potentially all of them combined.

This was a bad idea. A very bad idea.

But nothing filled her with greater relief then when Gigi finally responded: “If you don’t mind, thank you.”

***

At first, she felt awkward as she let Gigi into the room, especially considering the fact it wasn’t hers. But after two hot chocolates each she had felt the most comfortable and at peace as she had since masquerading as her sister.

She watched as Gigi’s eyes made their way around the room, a kid in a sweetie shop, gawking at the treasures around her.

“What’s that?” she spoke between sips, pointing towards Crystal’s craft box that had been haphazardly set up on her sister’s desk.

“Oh.” Crystal went to pick it up, a flutter of warmth rushing through her at the thought of someone, let alone Gigi, being interested in her jewellery. “Just some bits and bobs I make.”

“These are so cool.” Gigi held a pair of scarlet earrings up and examined them closer, her mouth opening slightly as she focused. “Like the ones you had in the other day.”

Crystal’s face turned a deeper red than the earrings, the thought of Gigi remembering what she wore sending shivers down her spine - her head telling her heart on an auto loop that no matter what she thought about Gigi, all of Gigi’s returned thoughts were instead about Elle.

“Yeah,” she choked out, nipping her skin to bring herself back to reality.

“You should sell these!” Gigi gasped as she rooted through more of Crystal’s collection. “I sell the clothes I make on Depop, we’d make a great team.”

Crystal didn’t get a chance to respond. She was too busy picking the pieces of her exploding heart from the carpet and trying to put it back together again.

“In fact.” Gigi grabbed her phone and began to search.

Crystal decided that her thinking face was even cuter than her regular face.

She was in deep. Too deep.

 “I think I follow an account that does stuff like this, let me think, something to do with crystals…”

Way, way too deep.

“I’m feeling a bit tired.” Crystal blurted awkwardly, getting mad at her mother for never placing her in acting lessons as a child, ready for the inevitable week that she’d have to pretend to be her twin sister or else she’d be kicked out of university and murdered by their family. Seeing the almost defeated look on Gigi’s face, she tried again. “But you can show me in the morning?”

“I’d love that.” Gigi smiled.

Crystal wanted to rewind time just to hear that sentence again. She wouldn’t be too greedy, she’d only listen to it one more time. Two at a push.

Making sure to go into the en suite as Gigi got changed, Crystal returned to find her in bed, already asleep, her hair a sprawl of honey against the pink pillows.

She waited a second before turning off the light and getting into bed beside her, something about lying next Gigi sending Crystal into a sleepy haze despite the way her heart had been beating so fast just moments before.

She could hear Gigi breathing, snoring just a little, finding her own breathing starting to sync along.

Sleep was only minutes away from taking over her body when she heard it, the muffled cry coming from the other side of the bed.

“No.” She heard Gigi mumble as she tossed from one side to the other. “Don’t go.”

Crystal placed a reassuring hand on her arm without thought. “Are you alright?”

Gigi woke startled, her eyes beaming at Crystal like a young deer caught in the middle of the road.

“I’m fine.” She realised her surroundings and threw the quilt to one side, moving her body down to the bottom end of the bed. “I best be off.”

“Hey.” Crystal sat up, flicking the lamp on by her bedside. “It’s alright, we can-”

But before she could finish, Gigi was gone. Nothing more than the faint smell of lavender on the pillows and the dark ring of hot chocolate in the bottom of her sister’s mug.

***

Making her way back into the college that evening, Crystal waited by the entrance for a few moments, wondering if she could manage to get to Elle’s room without passing the drinks and shenanigans that were currently taking place in front of her, wondering if she could manage to make it without passing Gigi, more precisely.

Tesco carrier bags full to the brim of every comfort food she could gorge on (salami, cheese, salt and vinegar crisps and three different bars of dairy milk to be precise) as she watched her sister’s Disney+ alone, Crystal concluded that the coast was clear and made her way to the bottom of her stairs without passing Gigi.

The words of the note she had posted under Elle’s door the day beforehand were still dancing around Crystal’s mind like a puzzle that even Professor Layton couldn’t solve:

“Elle, please forgive me for this morning. I don’t know what happens when I get like that..we’re all having drinks at around 8 tomorrow if you wanna join? - Gigi.”

As much as she longed to join Gigi for a drink, Crystal knew that she couldn’t. She’d already put too much on the line, allowed herself to get too close, too emotionally invested. A short text from Elle asking if everything was okay scared her straight, there was too much at stake. Yes, she wanted more than anything to be the one who comforted Gigi the next time she had a nightmare, to make jewellery for her and kiss her forehead whenever she looked stressed. But family meant everything to her, and she knew if anyone were to find out what they’d done, the consequences wouldn’t be worth it. 

About to make her way up the stairs, Crystal felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Let me help with those,” the boy motioned to her bags, his voice familiar.

With dark hair slicked back, and skin the colour of caramel, it took Crystal a second to realise where she knew the boy from, remembering his face next to Gigi’s in their corner of the dining hall.

“I’m fine, they’re not heavy.” Crystal tried to walk away but was stopped by his voice, yet again.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come help? It’s been a little while, Elle.” He grinned, a smirk in his eyes that Crystal couldn’t quite trace.

“I’m sorry, I’ll have to catch up with you later,” Crystal responded, trying to remain calm on the outside as her insides reached peak panic mode, her brain mentally scanning her notes for anything mentioning this boy. Her search found no results.

“Oh I get it,” he laughed. “It’s one of your games.  Sure, you wanna catch up later.”

That’s when the realisation hit Crystal. Her sister was having sex with this boy. And she completely failed to mention it.

Trying to think of something to say, a heavy silence lingered between them. Broken by a familiar tone that managed to scare her half to death and turn her on at the same time.

“Karl.” Gigi shook her head as she made her way down the staircase, carrying what looked like a sippy cup of vodka red bull in her hands. “Do you mind not trying to shag every girl in college for five seconds?”

“I’ll see you later, Elle.” He muttered before strutting away with Gigi, Crystal making out the word ‘cockblock’ in their hushed conversation as they left.

She knew that Elle didn’t tell her everything.

Just because they were twins they didn’t have to know every detail of each other’s lives, even though they spoke every day. Crystal always knew that. But a part of her heart stung at the thought of her sister not even telling her about a boy she was sleeping with. Is that how far apart they’d grown since Elle came to uni? 

Fighting back tears, she made her way up the stairs and tried to call her sister. She knew she was being silly; a part of her had just thought she’d know when her sister was sleeping with someone. So many questions ran through her mind. Was Elle safe? Did she love him? Why didn’t anyone know? 

She tried to call again, no answer.

Gigi must have known, Crystal figured - slotting together their interaction the night before with the one they’d just had. Is that why Elle didn’t like her? Why they weren’t friends? Why she’d told Crystal to avoid her?

She answered on the fifth call.

“Hey, babe, I really can’t talk right now.” 

Crystal ignored her sister’s words, dropping her shopping outside the door and moving out onto the fire escape, the cold breeze hitting her face harshly.

“Who’s Karl?” 

“Oh.” She heard her other half’s surprise, she could see the look on her face, high definition in Crystal’s mind. “I told you not to speak to people, for fuck sake, Crystal.”

“Who’s Karl?”

“I can’t speak about this now.” Her tone lowered, clearly someone else was in her company.

“Who’s Karl?” Crystal asked again, not even stopping to think about how dramatic she was being.

Only her sister had hung up before she could get an answer.

Crystal didn’t know how long she’d been out there when she heard the door open, she didn’t even know if she was still crying or not.

“Hi,” Gigi spoke, almost a whisper, as she approached her. “We gotta stop meeting like this, hey?”

Crystal watched Gigi’s face drop a little at the sight of her, looking hurt the second she got close enough to see her tears.

“Yeah, I-” Crystal started but was swiftly interrupted.

Normally in films, it happened after a moment. 

The pair would talk, get deep about their issues, reach a comforting solution then sit for a moment in an all-knowing silence.

Then they’d look into each other’s eyes, letting them flicker down once or twice before meeting again, that lock not leaving until they were shut.

Next came the strand of hair, pushed away and tucked neatly behind the ear.

Finally, the kiss, slow at first then growing in passion.

Only Gigi had no patience.

It took Crystal a second to react, to realise what was happening, to press her lips back against Gigi’s, to race her hand through the other girl’s hair.

It was unexpected.

Yet it felt nothing but natural.

And right.

“I’m sorry.” Gigi pulled away, pausing to bite her tongue between her teeth, a nervous side of her appearing that Crystal had not yet seen. “I know that’s like the last thing you’re meant to do when someone’s upset but, I don’t know, you just looked so sad and-”

This time Crystal wasn’t going to let her finish.

She felt Gigi’s hands wipe the stray tears from her face before moving right down her body to her waist. Moving her body closer so she was almost straddling the other girl, Gigi pulled away for just a second to let out a breath. 

Crystal moved her hands round to Gigi’s back, further and further down until she was granted a nod of permission, letting them slide over the silky fabric of her skirt.

Before Crystal knew it she was being pushed back to the ground, Gigi’s long and beautiful body towering over her, as she got to her knees and began to kiss Crystal all over.

Gently, methodically, slowly. 

Crystal’s mind was carried away, far from reality and refusing to take away from the moment in front of her.

“I knew you wanted me.” She felt Gigi’s breath tickle her ear, sending hot flushes down her entire body, reaching her hands out to touch the other girl’s breasts.

“Fuck, Elle.” Gigi grinned, flicking a switch in Crystal’s body as she pushed herself backwards away from her touch.

She’d almost forgotten that part.

Looking at the other girl’s confused face, she was lost for words, pulling the strap of her vest top back in its place. She knew she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t keep lying. She would have let Gigi sleep with her thinking that she was someone else. She’d become a monster. She had to tell the truth.

“What the fuck?” A voice came from the door behind them, Karl’s confused face flicking between the pair of them. “Is this a joke?”

“Shit,” Gigi muttered and stood up, but Crystal was frozen in place, her hands and feet turning numb with anxiety, the sky around them warping in time. “I can explain.”

Crystal watched as Gigi chased her friend back into the building, listening to her tell him she was sorry and she just got carried away. Listening to Karl ask if that was why she’d told him to stop sleeping with her. Listening to Gigi explain that it wasn’t it, that something had just changed recently. Listening to her life crumble around her.

And then she heard nothing at all.

Even when she knocked on Gigi’s door later that night, ready to give her the explanation she needed, Crystal heard nothing at all - eventually giving in and retreating to the cave of Elle’s room, with no plans to leave it until their train pulled in at the station. 

***

Looking up at the hideous brown bricks in front of her, Elle Barge never thought she’d be so relieved to see the college in her life.

One day earlier than she was supposed to return, she hoped that Crystal would forgive her for withholding some of the stuff she’d been doing at university, thinking that they could have one fun night together before getting the train home the next day, giving at least a hint of truth to their family when they arrived back.

Besides, her holiday romance meet-up hadn’t exactly gone the way she had planned when she accidentally met up with his wife. Hence her early departure.

She figured she’d just have to chalk this one up to being a good story to tell, throwing away her sadness at the thought of having a best-selling novel about her awful love life someday. 

Heck, she’d probably already have half of it written with just stories about Karl.

Walking up the stairs to her room, she rolled her eyes at the sight in front of her.

One thing she certainly had not missed was Gigi Goode braying on her door to tell her to turn her music down.

Surely, Crystal wasn’t irritating her, Elle thought to herself. The only music Crystal ever played was One Direction and she hardly blasted it.

“Ahem.” Elle coughed loudly enough for Crystal to hear from inside the room, praying she’d understand with her magic twin sense not to come out (also quickly texting her not to incase the magic twin sense failed them. Elle did not want a repeat of that time in year nine when Jackie Cox asked if they could read each other’s minds).

“Hey.” Gigi turned to face her, a strange look on her face that Elle couldn’t quite decode. Tension started to seep through the stained carpet and up the walls like lava.

“Hi?” Elle raised an eyebrow to her, more of a question than a greeting. 

“I’m sorry for ignoring you before,” Gigi started, nodding her head as she got into the rhythm of her speech. “I was just scared and I didn’t know how to say it but I can now. Please just listen and wait ‘til I’m done, I have to explain.”

Minefields began exploding inside Elle’s brain.

She simply nodded.

“I’ve been fucked over in the past. And it still scares me today. You know the other night? That was it, I haven’t felt myself get close to anyone in a while. And I know it’s bad because of Karl and I’m a shitty friend to him but honestly, I think that this is something bigger than that, cause I’ve not felt it for a while. And I think you feel it too. Look, I’m really shit at this but something changed this week, I saw you in this light I’d never caught you in. I might sound mad but I think that I need you.”

Looking back at the girl in front of her with dismay, Elle spoke back the only three words that rang through her brain at that moment.

“What the fuck.”

And then her door opened, her sister’s face peeking out around the corner, clad in the same expression she used to have whenever she’d spilt juice on the carpet or smashed plate. Her hair matted and eyes puffy, Elle immediately moved to her side.

And then Gigi uttered the three words as well - only adding a “fucking” in there too for good measure.

Killing the silence that lingered for some time, Crystal spoke the fastest sentence Elle had ever heard all in one breath: “I’ve been pretending to be my sister so she could go get fucked by a Spanish guy.”

“Wow.” Elle looked back and forth between the pair, recognising a glint in her sister’s eyes that was certainly not there before.

Crystal prepared herself and walked up to Gigi, placing her hand on her arm. “I wanted to tell you so bad. I was going to but then Karl came and everything got messy. I know you probably can’t forgive me, but I saw that bigger thing too and I let myself get carried away in it.”

Gigi looked between the pair and raised a hand to her mouth, letting out a hearty laugh. 

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Elle pleaded, fear rising inside her.

Silence filled the landing again, the twins standing sheepishly as they gave time for Gigi to process.

“If I’m honest I think I’m less confused now.” Gigi turned to face Crystal and grinned, showing an emotion Elle didn’t think the Barbie doll was even capable of showing. “This makes a lot more sense.”

Elle watched as her sister grinned back, seeing the genuine happiness on her face and throwing away all thoughts about whether or not she’d get in trouble.

“I think I might just be able to forgive you.” Gigi looked her up and down, pouting her lips in a joking manner. “If you let me take you out so we can talk this through over dinner?”

“Yes,” Crystal responded without hesitation.

“But first, could you tell me your name?”

“Crystal.” Elle watched as her sister reached out and shook the other girl’s hand, proud of the growth in confidence she could see - happy to see the return of the happy-go-lucky Crystal who wasn’t too scared to try anything new that she knew as a child.

“Crystal,” Gigi repeated, smiling to herself. “So Crystal, do you go to uni or just hang around at other people’s?”

“Maybe next year.” Crystal smiled back a sense of optimism in her voice. “Are we going for this dinner or what?”

Although it took her a minute to take in what she’d seen, a strange feeling inside of her as she waved her sister goodbye for a date with her bitchy downstairs neighbour, Elle couldn’t help but think that her disaster vacation had all happened for a good reason. In fact, she found herself almost shedding a tear as she heard her sister laughing at something Gigi said on their way downstairs, figuring that she might just see more of her sister than usual next term (and being nothing but happy about it).

#rpdr fanfiction #crystal methyd #gigi goode #crygi #angst #lesbian au #university au #end of the day #ashley #concrit welcome #submission #s12 #college au

[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

M*A*S*H: The Characters Part 4: B.J. Hunnicutt, Sherman Potter, Charles Emmerson Winchester III and Conclusion

Of all of the cast shake-ups throughout M*A*S*H’s run, none were more impactful on Hawkeye Pierce than the departure of Trapper McIntyre.

The original ‘sidekick’ and best friend archetype, Trapper’s absence at the 4077th immediately took its toll on Hawkeye, who came back from R&R to find that his best friend had left without a note.  For both the audience and Hawkeye, however, there wasn’t much of a wait before his absence was filled with a newcomer: Captain B.J. Hunnicutt (Mike Farrell).

A surgeon hailing from San Francisco, California, B.J. was a newcomer, fresh out of med-school and completely unused to the horrors of front-line surgery.  Introduced at the start of the new season, (meeting Hawkeye in the middle of his frantic attempt to say goodbye to Trapper) it became instantly clear that he was no ‘replacement’, but instead almost an opposite, a foil to the previous character’s archetype and to Hawkeye himself.

Where Trapper was a womanizer, B.J. was a loving, devoted husband and family man, a Nice Guy who started the show out as a tad naive, gentle, and idealistic.  He was a prankster, sure, but he was more likely to take a stand and argue with Hawkeye than Trapper had been, possessing a temper that, once roused, could be dangerous (leading to at least one physical altercation with Hawkeye).  At the beginning, the ways of war are a sudden jolt to him, one that he doesn’t necessarily take well.  As with every character, as time goes on, B.J. began to change as a result of the war, growing a mustache in a distinct ‘anti military’ move, and becoming more jaded, slowly evolving into the cynic between himself and Hawkeye.

B.J. was a good man at heart, as concerned for his patients as Hawkeye, but without the level of external breakdown that Hawkeye tended to go into.  More of a Tranquil Fury type, B.J. managed to keep a reasonably cool head, (most of the time) and acted as a Morality Chain, a voice of reason where Trapper was an encourager.  He was a more mature character, a husband and father increasingly feeling the wear and tear of being forced miles away from his family without any way to see his daughter grow up.  He also possessed a nasty jealous streak, seen often when Hawkeye mentioned how much Trapper had meant to him.

Despite their differences, B.J. and Hawkeye became very close friends throughout the show’s run, constantly having each other’s backs and being each other’s coping mechanisms through the horrors of war.  As surely as the others, B.J. became part of the 4077th’s family, and as a result, his character required the same amount of closure that the characters that had been there from the beginning deserved.

At the end of the show, B.J., like the others, gets to go home, and we as an audience learn that B.J. really doesn’t like saying goodbye.

After dancing around it through an entire episode, B.J. leaves a final farewell message to Hawkeye, (and the audience) in a heartfelt display of affection to his best friend, the man who made Korea bearable for him.  In the end, in a fitting display of the entire basis of his character, B.J. does what Trapper never did: he left Hawkeye a note.

But he wasn’t the only newcomer to make an impression.

Following Henry Blake’s death, the 4077th was in desperate need of a commanding officer (someone to relieve Frank Burns from his tyrannical reign), and replacement came in the form of Sherman Tecumseh Potter.

In much the same vein as B.J. was the complete opposite of Trapper McIntyre, Colonel Potter was very much the Anti-Blake, in the best way possible.  A career army-man, Potter was both a dedicated surgeon and a dedicated army man, on his third war.  Hailing from Hannibal, Missouri, Potter was just the man to shape the 4077th into some semblance of order, following Henry’s bumbling chaos.

Although still a Reasonable Authority Figure with a sense of humor, Potter was no pushover, standing his ground against Hawkeye and B.J.’s schemes and Frank Burns’ wheedling.  A Father to His Men (and an actual grandfather – Potter was another family man, a direct contrast with Henry’s cheating), Potter settled in instantly, a Cool Old Guy with a love of westerns and horses who could be empathetic and caring for his unit in their moments of weakness, and also make sure that Klinger didn’t get away with this week’s Scheme.

Potter was probably one of the characters who developed the least as the show went on, most likely due to his already settled personality as an ‘Old Soldier’, but by no means did he leave Korea unchanged.  As the show went on, Potter had moments of hidden depths, notably in terms with hearing the news that the last of his old squadron had died.  Potter often grappled with his age, sometimes causing him to feel competitive with his surgical abilities, attempting to prove that he could keep up with the younger doctors.  Like the others, despite his age and experience, Potter was very human, afraid of making mistakes, and, after three wars, was thoroughly tired of the killing.

“They keep inventing new ways to kill each other. Why can’t they invent a way to end this stupid war?”

After the war ended, Potter, too, got to go home to his wife, Mildred, saying goodbye to his newfound family, and receiving a genuine salute from both B.J. and Hawkeye, becoming one of two characters Hawkeye ever saluted (the other being Radar).  In the end, Potter had his unit’s affection and respect, and left Korea with dignity.

“Well, boys – it would be hard to call what we’ve been through fun, but I’m sure glad we went through it together.”

Despite beginning the show as a potential ‘replacement’ for Henry Blake, he ended it, much as B.J. did for Trapper: as an entirely new character in his own right, who changed the dynamic of the unit in general, bringing a wholly unique style to his command, and the show in general.

But there was one other character who had yet to appear on the show: another ‘replacement’ character who quickly proved that he was no simple replacement.

Exit Frank Burns, replaced with Major Charles Emerson Winchester III (David Ogden Stiers).

Charles Winchester, originally from Boston and then stationed in Tokyo, was a thoracic surgeon and pediatrician, and very good at it.  Born into a wealthy family (Very Blue Blood) and schooled at Harvard, Charles was an asset to the 4077th once he was assigned there, (after trouncing a commanding officer at cards and boasting about it) despite multiple pleas to the unmoved Colonel Potter to be reassigned.  

“But, know this: You can cut me off from the civilized world, you can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates, you can torture me with your thrice-daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.”

As with Potter and B.J. before him, Charles proved very quickly to not simply be ‘the new Frank Burns’, displaying instead a completely separate and different series of personality traits, not the least of which was competence.

While Frank’s less than stellar abilities as a surgeon were repeatedly the butt of many jokes (and a source of superiority for Hawkeye, Trapper, and B.J.), Charles was legitimately excellent as his job, his only difficulty being adjusting to the pace and style of ‘meatball’ surgery when not able to utilize the time and equipment available in high-end hospitals.  But there was more to Charles than simply being good at his job.

Charles joined the cast to fill in as an antagonistic character, a role vacated by Margaret several seasons ago, and a part left entirely empty thanks to the departure of Frank Burns.  However, while Burns tended to be ineffectual, more of a nuisance than a problem, a consistently ‘inferior’ character who was always obviously wrong, Charles typically had more weight and reason to his actions.  While consistently butting heads with Hawkeye and B.J., Charles’s snobbery and selfishness could be treated as a joke, yes, and his character overall as ‘worse’ than the other two Swamp inhabitants, but at the end of the day, Charles was simply more human than Frank, and thus, a lot harder to hate.

Despite multiple attempts to ‘Break the Haughty’, Charles remained steadfast and stubborn through his time in the war, a Gentleman Snarker who slowly revealed a Jerk with a Heart of Gold type of personality.  He had a great sense of Family Honor, and despite his Insufferable Genius tendencies, proved that he had Hidden Depths, (and a potential history of a Lonely Childhood and Parental Neglect) which occasionally showed to prove to the audience, and the rest of the 4077th, that Charles was no Frank Burns.  Indeed, despite never losing his position as a ‘foil’ to the 4077th cast, Charles remained a proud, but good man from the moment he arrived until the moment he left, another symptom of a show who had matured past the need for cartoonish sit-com villains.

Despite the fact that Hawkeye never succeeded in breaking the ‘Winchester spirit’, Charles did leave Korea a changed man.  Besides learning to operate in horrendous conditions, at a pace designed merely to keep people alive and not much else, Charles took one final blow in the M*A*S*H finale: “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” that spoke to both his character, and the toll that war takes in general.

Throughout the show, it was made abundantly clear that Charles adored classical music, viewing it as a haven away from the war, allowing him to forget about it for a little while.  His love for music enabled him to connect with a group of Chinese prisoners of war, who know some Mozart.  Throughout the episode, Charles teaches them some more, bonding with them until a prisoner exchange sends them away.

Later, the POWs are killed en route to the exchange.  As they’re brought back to the 4077th, only one is still alive, and he dies before Charles even has a chance to operate.  This devastates him utterly, to the point where he destroys his own record of the song he’d been trying to teach them.

“For me, music has always been a refuge from this miserable experience… now it will always be a reminder.”

In the end, Charles gets to go home, and in a sign of how far he’s come, he leaves the 4077th on the last remaining vehicle, a garbage truck, with utmost dignity, remarking that it’s only fitting.  Charles leaves his 4077th family, and the audience, in a somewhat surprising turn of events, misses him, is sorry to see him go in a way that we were never sorry for the absence of Frank Burns.

There were other characters, sure: the paranoid Colonel Flagg, the kitchen and mess hall staffer Igor, Klinger’s mortal enemy, Zelmo Zale, Ascended Extra fan favorite nurse Lieutenant Kelleye, and sympathetic psychiatrist Sidney Freedman, or Margaret’s less than stellar husband, Donald Penobscott.  This was more evidence for the care and realistic development that the M*A*S*H world was given: a variety of people filling in alongside the main cast, making a comfortable family that over eleven years, viewers got to know very well.

In the history of television, very few casts have had the lasting impact on viewers the way the M*A*S*H cast did.  At the end of eleven years, the audience was owed that finale, a way to say goodbye in a fulfilling way to characters that had become very familiar, important, almost real to viewers who had been tuning in to see them grow and change for over a decade.

The cast of M*A*S*H each served a place in the stories, with unique characters with depth and personality that transcended the flat character types typical of sitcoms just a tad previously.  The audience knew these people.  They liked these people.  Every character feels real, genuine, and memorable, and their dynamics are nearly as memorable as the characters themselves.

Throughout the show, you watched these characters grow and change, finding new ways to approach situations, as viewers got familiar with the core traits of their individual personalities.  They work very well as characters, as people, both entertaining and compelling figures for the audience to want to spend time with every week.  They felt real, like people you could know in real life.

And it worked.

M*A*S*H’s characters are still loved to this day, for being both entertaining and stellar examples of what happens when television characters are written like real people, with flaws and growth and kindness in varying doses.

In the end, it is that humanity in each character that gives M*A*S*H it’s longevity, and what places these characters as some of the most iconic and beloved in American television history.

Thank you guys so much for reading!  Join us next time as we discuss M*A*S*H’s place in the times and the culture.  If you have anything you’d like to say, don’t forget to leave a comment!  I hope to see you all in the next article.

#M*A*S*H #TV #Television #TV-PG #70s #War #Comedy #Drama #Alan Alda #Loretta Swit #Jamie Farr #William Christopher #Wayne Rogers #McLean Stevenson #Larry Linville #Gary Burghoff #Mike Farrell #Harry Morgan #David Ogden Stiers #Larry Gelbart

[normal-thoughts-official]

Autistic Magnus headcanons

ok so i got this big submission on autistic magnus which i absolutely love and i ended up breaking it down into parts so i would remember to address it all so uh, here we go. this is long lmao

submission made by @hasenfu

oof this got long lol

before i forget: i always saw Magnus as autistic. (or rather there was a post how Alec is obv autistic but Magnus could be, too?? address that?!?!) so i thought about it and… i guess he’s had longer to adapt and do smaller fidgets, unnoticeable, more healthy -if he allows himself to do such- and other things idk. i took a break of the show+fandom shortly after and never came back to the thought much.

it was mostly being hyposensitive to pressure, which is why he has those tight vests or flowy shirts with heavy necklaces and his array of rings. (definitely a hug person and should own a weighted blanket)

but also, opposed to this, being hypersensitive to touch, so all his shirts and his bedsheets are silk. (weighted blanket can go on top or be a spell)

that truly makes so much sense to me tbh like i’ve always envisioned magnus that way as well, especially the hyposensitive to pressure part. especially considering that at the point of show canon he’s so touch starved? like he’s been keeping away from most people and kinda trying to hide and i think that only added to that. i definitely agree with what you said about the vests/corsets:

you might have a full inbox once this is done lol # idk who figured this out first but one of Magnus/Raphael found out about vests, maybe Magnus wore corsets first (yes even as cis/amab demiman/gnc cis man, people wore corsets because fashion) and then opted for vests. or Raphael wore them first because Business Man and Important Stuff and told Magnus to stop wearing flowy shit with a million necklaces and just wear tight clothing like Proper Human Beings. amazing word count is full again.

(also don’t worry i’m well aware that cis men used to wear corsets lmao i even have an old post about it lying somewhere. not that i envision magnus as a cis man but anyway) and also want to add: tight pants. like the pants he wears are always slim fit and i think that has a lot to do with that too? just feeling grounded by the pressure, like he’s more steady in his steps. especially when he’s wearing the silky shirts and etc because those have barely any pressure (esp the open shirts and stuff. i mean obviously like you said the necklaces help make up for that, but like. it’s not enough imho) 

but also just like, nothing is as good as the good olde hugs tbh. i mean obviously the clothes are good and help him function and not have meltdowns or feel overwhelmed (because he’s had a lot of time to prevent having meltdowns, and tbh probably uses unhealthy tactics to avoid that) and he isn’t comfortable with just anyone touching him (we know that very well. also invasion of space not safe invasion of space not safe invasion of space not safe-) but the people he trusts? somehow they always feel right

i love magnus and the immortal squad being into cuddle piles, particularly magnus&raphael (who’s also hyposensitive to pressure, plus he’s a latino immigrant so he’s used to quite a lot of casual touching, but once he got to the US that was suddenly Not Allowed anymore and god that must have fucked him up so much, the cultural shock mixed in with the hyposensitivity and then he lost his whole support network on top of that. like he feels absolutely smothered by the lack of pressure all the time and it makes his skin prickle and he wants to just. scratch it off just to get some relief from the constant feeling of deprivation. and magnus of course feels a similar way, since from what i looked up quickly indonesian people are also used to overcrowded spaces and casual touching, plus again, touch starved) 

like they’re both. kind of just functioning with this constant feeling of emptiness all around them, and they can’t really afford to be as touchy as they’d like because they’d be looked down on because of that, especially as downworlders, moc, etc. but when they’re in magnus’ loft and they’re alone? cuddling all the time. constant cuddling. not a single second goes by cuddleless. legs entangled, weight blanket over them, they might switch positions a lot because they might get fidgety - especially magnus, i feel like he needs to stim and etc a lot more than Raphael does - so at one second they’re lying down, the next they’re sitting, raphael is on top of magnus, magnus is on top of raphael, they’re side by side, only their legs are intertwined, raphael is lying across magnus….. it just keeps going and after like years of doing this they just do it effortlessly? 

one of my exes called this “dynamic cuddling” cuz yeah he was a huge cuddler but also kinda fidgety and so was i and most of his other partners (i Cannot lie in the same position for a long time which is why im usually not big on cuddling, and also prefer to be the big spoon) and i definitely see it for them. just, every time one of them (again, usually magnus) moves the other moves along and they’re just adjusting to a new position together, instead of the awkward “person A starts to move so person B waits and then they do a little adjustment afterwards” thing. ragnor in particular is appalled (especially since you know, british, so used to No casual touching whatsoever, also he clearly gets overwhelmed easily considering how isolated he lives, oh look at me casually throwing in autistic ragnor lmao i need to calm tf down) at how easily they do it but that’s just years of practice, knowing each other very well, and having very similar sensory issues for you

the one downside is that since they’re too similar they both want to like, be the little spoon diahdsiah so that’s why weighted blanket is a must, even if obviously they switch - magnus is perfect for raphael because he’s bigger and taller so he can envelop him pretty easily and cover like His Whole Back and just really crowd him in the best possible way? obviously that means that raphael being small is not as good for magnus but he can be in like fetal position and hug his knees and have raphael spoon him that way, and there’s the added Compression (?) of that. plus raphael always runs his hands over magnus’ arms particularly and that adds to the good pressure and feeling. he also definitely likes playing with magnus’ hair, which magnus is delighted by (btw it’s a huge sign of closeness in indonesian culture). the scalp is sensitive, okay. it’s perfect

with alec it’s perfect for magnus because i see alec as the opposite, he does not like a lot of pressure and particularly having things on his back (he needs to be able to Move) so he likes being the big spoon. also he’s one of the few ppl who’s taller than magnus and can envelop him perfectly, just like magnus does raphael 

also going briefly back to the vests thing, i really like the idea that it was raphael’s suggestion for some reason? i mean i kind of hc that magnus has had a huge influence on raphael’s style, but i also like it as the other way around. i especially like raphael helping magnus out with Autistic Problems™ because like you said magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to cope and hide his traits in order to be taken seriously, but he’s definitely foregone his own comfort in that proccess, and probably has a few coping mechanisms that aren’t really healthy. whereas raphael has a different perspective and grew up with a supportive family when it comes to that (i particularly hc rosa as being a great support in that sense, not letting anyone give him shit, giving him hugs when he needed, keeping people away when he didn’t want to be touched, speaking for him when he went nonverbal, etc) so he has a lot of better mechanisms. and i really dig him teaching those to magnus and helping him find better alternatives. like magnus knows about vests, has used corsets in that way before, why tf didn’t he think of that? because he’s used to ignoring his own needs :) but raphael helps him find good vests that make him feel, like, perfectly hugged and grounded and it’s Very Good. they probably share a lot during the time when raphael lives with him, since magnus can just magically adjust them anyway

plus other things such as not caring if magnus stims, and whatnot

i also think that he sometimes uses magic to handle the hyposensitivity problem, cause i mean, why not? especially when he’s in the flowy open shirts and whatnot, cuz again, like, the necklaces are good and they help a lot but they are Not Good Enough. but magic can make him feel more pressure and help him out with that, he can spell himself to have this kind of… constriction? that he likes. plus his magic kind of takes care of him on its own so i can definitely see it like, enhancing his sensitivity when he needs it, running over his arms and torso to keep him grounded, and whatnot. very useful, especially because he can do that unnoticed

that’s only what i had to say on hyposensitivity to pressure dear lord someone help me daiojdsoadjasodjadijaidoaj 

onto hypersensitivity to textures! again strongly agree. i kind of headcanon that all of magnus’ clothes are lined with silk underneath because they always look just a little stuffy when they aren’t silky and again it’s clearly his favorite texture - for his sheets, his shirts, just everything he can is silky. i know he can probably magick them up but i like to think he has a tailor tbh, maybe some other old warlock who never really wanted to give up that work? idk it sounds more authentic and even connected to his roots this way so i like to headcanon that. anyway yeah silk everywhere and all the way. pretty much every other texture other than that and the People He Likes is kinda overwhelming for him, imo. which can be a Huge Problem and is probably connected to why he hates people he doesn’t like getting into his personal space - he’s perfected the personal space distancing so he’s kept away from the Bad Textures and anyone getting into it uninvited is definitely unwelcome and perceived as a threat to his safety and wellbeing - and effectively is

same goes for jewelry, like, he pretty much only wears silver stuff? i think it’s his preferred texture as well, which is why we don’t see him wearing a lot of different things. that might also be related to the thing you said about colors:

maybe being hypersensitive to colours/visual influence but this might be a jab at smol book!magnus with his neon leggings and crop tops. but all his surroundings are either dark: dark red, dark blue, or black, or medium brown (wood) or smallll golden accents. nothing harsh.

like golden can be too much visually and non-metal textures aren’t really welcome. this is also related to the pressure thing - metal is great for weight, whereas every other accessory material is Not - but texture also plays a good part

(also ur so valid for wanting to jab @ book magnus tbh lmao i don’t acknowledge that bitch)

but i could see him hyperfocusing on translations. oof idk i haven’t interacted with canon in months or maybe years. i’ve mostly thought about his stims. like also the scratching on paper, his tai chi exercises, making/drinking tea, brewing potions.

i also dig that? i think most of what we’ve seen in Genius Magnus Bane is related to that in some capacity - being his hyperfocus/hyperfixation/special interest. like the portal thing? definitely a result of him hyperfixating. and he just goes on and on, which is why he isn’t particularly known for like, One Area He Expertises On (okay i do realize this is more ADHD than autism but look he’s been alive for centuries okay his special interests are gonna pile up) but rather a lot of very specific things that he knows a lot about and that end up broaching a thousand different and wildly unrelated topics

and whenever he’s working on a magical thing, it’s just- hyperfocus all the way, baby. sometimes when he needs a distraction or is feeling overwhelmed he just goes straight to brewing because it’s guaranteed hyperfocus and like, silence in his head, you know? and he can just get away from whatever’s overwhelming/upsetting him for a while. not always healthy to do, but. still a thing that he does. translating, brewing potions, summoning things, even tracking - it immediately takes his undivided attention and suddenly he looks up and realizes that ah yes, he is in a place and has surroundings, and has a name lmao. even if it’s something like tracking which is really quick, while he’s at it he doesn’t think about absolutely anything else. then he kind of has to blink after a few seconds and remember why he was doing it in the first place lmao

this is probably deeply intertwined with his magic - like it is related to how he interacts and perceives the world, so when he’s using it, he’s effectively channeling all of his attention into one of his senses, and directing it to a single specific purpose. it’s like inhaling deeply. everything else shuts down and he’s just focused and directed into this action, and then that mixes up with autism/ADHD and you’ve got guaranteed hyperfocus. it can be both good and bad, but it’s definitely grounding and something that helps him cope with a lot of things - like, sensorial overload? just feeling overwhelmed in general? too angry or tired? needing a distraction. magic time! even if it’s just making a small ball of light, it definitely helps him focus a lot

which of course leads up to stimming! which you already mentioned up there and also in here

(obv he stimmt with his rings and ear piece thingy all the time because it cool. i don’t think he’d disturb the necklaces because they make up for not wearing a vest so playing with them would do not enough good to make up for the loss of pressure)

again completely agree with the necklace thing, he’s never really seen playing with those, but the earpieces/earlobes/rings? hoo boy. all the damn time, definitely a good way to stim. plus yeah, magic like i just said, but not only in the sense of hyperfocusing on purpose, but also that he just stims magically? like keeps making sparks with his fingers, or making and reshaping a ball like we’ve seen him do in that scene where him and alec fight in s2, some light hand twisting that comes mostly in the form of an almost imperceptible rub of his fingers together, did i mention random sparks? or just having like, invisible tendons of magic running over his arms, focusing on how they feel and making them keep twisting over him like a snake or something? dadiahias idk if i can describe that very well but you know what i mean, it’s just wrapped around his arm and moving and he’s stimming that way, focusing on its motions (plus again good pressure!) and whatnot

i also think he clicks his tongue to make up for rarely ever verbally stimming, but sometimes he can verbally stim with like specific spells that feel good on the tongue when he’s alone - it takes him centuries to ever allow himself to do that one in front of anyone, even if it’s pretty innocuous

I’m very interested in reading more on your posts and how Magnus is ADHD in things that don’t overlap with either ASD or (c-?)PTSD!

doijadoadsoaj and now that i’ve written this huge ass disconnected manifesto on a bunch of shit i realize that that was your question all along. great great great. this is fine

if you’re interested in ADHD magnus as a whole i definitely recommend reading @thesorrowoflizards‘s fantastic ADHD Magnus Manifesto which already features a lot of my headcanons anyway daoisjdaojdsaoi also i have both an adhd magnus tag and a general meta as well as a magnus meta tag (shut up i like keeping things organized okay) so you can read more stuff ive written on/that includes the subject if you want. but anyway! let me scramble up some particular headcanons out of my little peanut brain

ok i guess i can start with what i said about him having like, a lot of expertise on a bunch of unrelated topics that ends up on him having a curriculum that’s like. invented the portal, fluent in 14th century albanian, specialist in rattlesnake venom, healing magic, and endocrinology, knows how to build one (1) highly specific model of plane, PHD in the javanese herbal flora and a master’s in wormholes… and it just keeps going lmao 

i kind of envision magnus having the type of adhd where his hyperfixations last a long time and are usually related to like, Solving A Problem or Figuring Out Something - take the portal for example. he set his mind to it, right, he wants to create teleportion! and he’s gonna hyperfocus on that and learn everything there is to learn until he figures out how to do that, and then he blinks and 10 years have passed and he’s just, like, been doing that. but now that it’s done, great! onto the next topic! and it begins again daoids

i mean over time he probably got better at managing hyperfixations and still like functioning, especially because you know, as high warlock he can’t go around getting distracted and immersed in whatever the fuck he finds fitting, but that’s definitely his natural state, so to speak. he’s naturaly curious and he likes to create and alter the world around him, so he’s drawn to sciences and inventions, but pretty much everything inside that is fair game. also languages! they are useful, especially but not just for a warlock, and uncover so much about a culture and their worldview. i can definitely see him hyperfixating on translations and languages and getting absolutely immersed in those, not stopping studying until he’s absolutely fluent, even if only in a specific dialect from a specific time lmao. it’s not like it’s a problem because as a warlock he reads a lot of ancient texts. and understanding the language means understanding the exact workings of whatever spell he’s using, so again, very useful! 

also like, this is 100% projection, but jesus, time blindness. like i’m time blind as all fuck i’m the time blindest bitch i know it’s incredible, and i hc magnus as having a huge problem with that. and as an immortal, it only gets trickier. was this yesterday? was it in the 18th century? who knows! certainly not him. and after a while of immortality your notion of time is bound to get thwarped, in the same way that a year seemed like a long time when i was a kid and seems like nothing to current me - the more you live, the shorter any length of time seems to last. so he’s going to be like “this was two weeks ago” when in reality it was in the 30s. it might get him some pretty bad shocks, too, like for instance when one of his cats dies of old age - they already live so little, and the more time passes, the less that seems to be to magnus. and he might even feel guilty over that, like, i didn’t even enjoy that cat’s life, it felt to me like i found them yesterday, and now they’re gone, what kind of person am i 

that’s not true of course, he’s always taken care of his cats wonderfully, but it might feel that way for him sometimes, feel like he barely registered they were there and it all passed so quickly even if that’s not really what happened 

and sometimes panicking, like, how long has it been since i met (mortal)? are they close to dying? how much time do we have? how long did i spend worrying about the portal instead of being with them? and just spiralling into anxiety because he can’t trust his own perception of time and it’s like, suddenly, he doesn’t know

not gonna think about magnus waking up in the middle of the night before alec becomes immortal worried that it’s been longer than he thinks, that he thinks it’s been a few years but it’s actually been decades, and what if he turns around and finds that alec is greying and dying and he’s going to lose him without even noticing? is this going to slip through his fingers before he notices, because magnus will never forgive himself if it does. haha yeah definitely not gonna think about that, nope. i’m fine

but also just stupider things with time blindness, like being like “oh wow, did that restaurant i liked close? has it really been this long since i’ve last been here?” “hm. it says here that this has been a residential building for the last 30 years.” “has it???” 

getting centuries mixed up, even if he has very obvious cues to figure out where something took place (like clothing and whatnot) but sometimes he doesn’t think of doing that and just spits out however long it feels like it has been (because like idk about other people but for me time blindness comes with a very clear sense of certainty? like i’ll be like i am absolutely, completely sure that this was a week ago. but then i look and it was two months ago or last year or when i was a kid) and it’s just wildly wrong

over time he learns to always do actual calculations in his head instead of trusting his gut so as to avoid embarrassment and even scorn - oh look i’m making myself sad again god damn it - and he becomes very quick at calculating and figuring it out from cues, like “ah this clothing is from the victorian era, this material wasn’t invented before (x year), i met this person on that year…. so it’s year x”. he kind of has annotations on that so he can keep up. he doesn’t know the years and dates because of his own memories, but from like, a history-studying standpoint lmao it’s a little wack but he manages

every once in a while tho, especially when he’s with alec or his friends, he slips up, and it’s funny. especially because alec has like. an annoyingly good memory, especially with dates, so he can say the exact date that they had a specific conversation without even thinking. so magnus will be like “alexander remember last week when you made me soto ayam?” and alec will give him that shit eating grin and be like “the last time i made you soto ayam was 3 months and 12 days ago” and magnus is just like UGGGHHH and alec makes fun of him for it lmao 

but hey at least they can make up for each other’s weaknesses when it comes to that duahsda but it’s frustrating because it’s one thing that alec is effortlessly good at while magnus is very bad at, and there aren’t a lot of these - especially since magnus has had so much time and so many interests, he’s way more likely to know his way and be good with something than alec, who’s been raised in a military society where interests of any kind weren’t welcome. so it’s frustrating and by god is alec smug about it

and okay i think that’s big enough for now doaijdsaodaj i apologize for the huge incoherent ramble and also for taking so long to reply, i’m just Like This. i hope you liked my answer anyway doauhdaihdsa and thank you again for this wonderful submission, few things make me happier than getting lengthy headcanons shared with me :) 

#submission #ask #hasenfu #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #meta #magnus bane meta #autistic magnus bane #adhd magnus bane #autistic raphael santiago #one (1) very brief mention of autistic alec #okay now it's two but tbh more if you squint #raphael santiago #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them #brief malec

[werevulvi]

Splitting and merging

I've done a lot of inner work to figure myself out, in my detransition and prior to it. I randomly started reflecting over it again, and this is the (really comprehensive) result. When I look at my gender expression as a spectrum from the most masculine I presented as in my trans man days, to the most feminine I presented as in my pre-transition and early detransition days, I feel that both of those extremes are uncomfortable for me. I've lived most of my life through differently gendered personas. It's been three of them: Kazanndra - was the name I created at age 12 for a self image I wanted to become. She's a hyper-feminine version of myself. We're talking long hair, shaven body, no facial hair, big boobs, narrow waist, big butt, heavy makeup, short skirts, tight tops, high heels, painted nails, etc. Personality wise she's melancholic, submissive, self-harming, and hyper-sexual in a way she tries to take back control by never saying no to any man and being very submissive. She is, in fact, a slave to her own pain and a pawn of patriarchy. For many times in my past, I felt like she was the only kind of woman I could possibly want to be, and if I couldn't be her, I'd rather be a man. Everyone kept telling me I shouldn't be like her, which was one of the things that drove me to transition. She is the mental image and tragic manifestation of my internalised misogyny. She's a trauma queen. John - was the name I went by as a trans guy, and thus he was the persona I tried to become in my transition. He's not so different from Kazanndra in his personality, but copes with the same issues through a lens of false masculinity instead. As he's also hyper-sexual in a very similar manner, he's submissive with men in a way to try to erase his femaleness by fucking away the pain. He is more so a manifestation of my internalised lesbophobia, a combination of the misogyny and homophobia I turned towards myself. He attempts to always be the polar opposite of what I actually am, he's the brick wall to my vulnerability, the anger to my fear, and he's the "masc gay man" to the femme lesbian I really am.

These were not actual alters, but rather like roles that I acted out, or different masks that I put on, taken to an extreme. I was never diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but I highly suspect I had OSDD, cause of my actual alter. I knew I did not meet enough criteria of DID to be diagnosed with it. Just to clarify. Both of those two personas are my most extreme states. I lived through them at different times of my life thinking they were the real me at those times, but they always pushed each other away which created a huge inner conflict. When I first figured I might be transgender at age 15, I was terrified of transitioning and flipped over into playing out and almost becoming Kazanndra, as a response to my fears about transition and my past traumas, until I was 19. During those 4 years, I lived most of my life through the Kazanndra lens, but on rare occasion John peaked through and that messed with me. I used to refer to those 4 years as my "trans denial" period. At age 19 after more abuse I flipped the switch and instead lived through John believing I was him and that Kazanndra had just been a persona and a coping mechanism, which she was, but she was also me. While seeing myself as a trans man and living through my John persona, Kazanndra would pop up on occasion just like it had been before, but in reverse. That too, messed with me. Anna - was my only actual alter, and I didn't live through her but rather side by side with her, as if we were two people sharing one body. She was very different from both Kazanndra and John, she was feminine but not to an extreme and much more natural in her expression. She was happy to be female, but also very dominant and assertive in a way I could described as "masculine" and her trauma showed through a complete lack of sexual interest, bullying and violent tendencies.

I'm no longer split into those three parts, but have become somewhat of a mix between them. But I also have aspects that neither of them had, the aspects they all existed to eliminate: my vulnerability and my lesbianism. Both John and Kazanndra drove me head first into seeking out men sexually, in very self-destructive ways, while Anna attempted to stop me with a trauma-induced asexuality, but neither expressed even the slightest hint of attraction to women or any actual attraction at all. They covered it up, and quite effectively, but my genuine self did shine through every once in a while, as a form of forbidden longing for the warmth of my actual attraction to women. And by the end of the time that I had with Anna as a separate entity alongside me, I for the first time ever noticed she was not against me dating the person I was into: my current girlfriend. She was only ever against me being with men, and now I know, she was trying to protect me.

Now I'm no longer split, but I'm only beginning to realise what kinds of effects that has had on me. Basically, John merged with Kazanndra by the end of last year when I started having a beard as a woman, my lesbianism emerged from my depths, and together they became Laura. And by spring this year Laura merged with Anna, when I started incorporating her style into my own, found more strength in my vulnerability, and I yet again became Sara. Laura was a sort of transition in itself. She was definitely on the right track, my first agonising steps to accepting my femaleness and coming to terms with my transition and my sexuality. She was not a persona, but also not the full me. She was a gateway, or a path, that I much needed to travel through. I was healing through her, but she was not my end goal. Sara is more than just my birth name; it is the name of my whole child self before I split. And I think that's why I've been starting to feel connected to that name again since around spring this year, which was when I fully merged. Perhaps the reasons I could not connect to it before was related to how split up I was as a person. But now, as a whole person again, I realise that all of my personas and alters smacked into one coherent personality, is me, Sara. So to be Sara is my ultimate goal, but that too is a work in progress.

I do not remember much of the child that I was, before the age of 9 when my traumatised mind split into two halves: me and Anna, and then continued to fragment into personas as I grew up. She's too young for me to fully reach within myself. Although I do keep trying, cause I think reaching her is an important puzzle piece in my further healing.

How Anna is connected to why I transitioned is, I think, more indirect than anything. She was never male-identified. In fact she was closer to the genuine me than ever I was myself even (which is a scary thought, but true), and she was the aspect of me that was the most connected to my femaleness and very defensive of it. However, her existence was a direct response to my traumas, and my transitioning was another direct response to my traumas. So they're indirectly connected cause they stem from the same source. They were two different escape mechanisms that clashed. Anna was against me transitioning. She felt it as a direct violation of her autonomy and as me destroying her (our/my) body. It was a huge conflict which even led to her raping me, one desperate night back in early 2011 when I had been self-medicating with testosterone for some 6 or 7 months. My transition created a huge inner conflict within myself, to say the least. I didn't take Anna's existence into account that she was still somehow... me. I wanted to erase her, not merge with her.

Since my detransition now, I can no longer think of myself as "non-binary" but I'm rather just trying to find a healthy balance between my extreme masculinity (John) and my extreme femininity (Kazanndra), to have them co-exist peacefully instead of fighting and switching back and forth, while also taking what once was Anna into account. I've discovered that for me I best express that healthy balance as a bearded, deep-voiced, hairy woman with an affinity for red lipstick, dresses and long hair (yeah I'm saving that fucker out again). It's me being assertive, strong-willed, logical, a realist and not afraid to take space; while also being emotional, dreamy, vulnerable, nurturing and creative. It's me combining dominance with submission in a healthy and playful way that feels enriching and healing, and what it actually is, is me combining familiar comfort with going outside of my comfort zone and finding healthy ways to express my sexuality with another woman as a woman myself. To listen to my boundaries but also dare to explore my desires. Instead of searching for gender labels anymore, I'm finding harmony in my androgyny and coming to peace with my biological female sex, and with my homosexuality. The only labels I do and will wear are woman, detrans, lesbian, femme and I may on occasion describe myself as androgynous or gnc. My healing began in early 2017 when I broke up with my ex and became friends with Anna. I swung to the most masculine extreme of my John-persona I had ever been. During that year I rejected my attraction to women completely and planned on getting SRS to rid myself of the last remaining visible aspects of my femaleness. It was my ultimate denial, a strong reaction to my tapping into my traumas and little by little sorting them out. Then in early 2018 I started vaguely connecting to my body as I began to listen to it. My mind had finally started to let go of its tight grip on my denial. Mid 2018 I swung back to my Kazanndra-persona as I detransitioned. A few months later I merged my Johh-persona and Kazanndra-persona together and discovered my true lesbian sexuality. A few months after that, I merged with Anna and felt a new, stable calm within myself and felt myself grounding more. I started missing my birth name, and eventually took it back. Alongside all that, I've been working hard on my relationship issues in the past and now believe I have the most solid, healthy relationship ever, with my girlfriend. It all started with one idea, two and a half years ago: I'm gonna start listening to myself, allow all and any kinds of thoughts and feelings to exist within me, and not push any of them away. They're not dangerous, and I know I know that. I followed that idea through, made it into a promise. Eventually it led me here, to my utter astonishment. I do not regret that, but it's been a very difficult journey that I was not prepared for at all. I believe it's all connected. Why I transitioned, my personas John and Kazanndra, my alter Anna, my internalised lesbophobia, my intrusive sexual thoughts about men, my traumas, my (birth) name, how I struggle to figure out what is my authentic self, even my style and gender expression, and so on. And detangling that massive heap of psychological wounds for the past couple of years has almost become a bit of a hobby for me by now. It's no longer terrifying, but exciting instead. It's always been rewarding, seeing my true self shine through the cracks and form into a more and more solid and clear image in my mind, slowly over time. I did most of that inner work myself and had very little help from any actual therapy; although my girlfriend has been an immense support and invaluable help in giving me advice, listening to my endless rambles, comforting me in my panic and helping me stay on the right track. For that, and much more, I am forever grateful for her. The rewards I’ve gotten have been a newfound ability to ground myself and finding peace, comfort and love coming from within myself to protect and care for me. It will always be worth it.

#detransition #healing #inner work #personas and alters #dissociation #trauma #androgyny #gender critical #lesbian #internalised lesbophobia #becoming more integrated #birth name #reflecting #dysphoria #dysphoric femme #i love my awesome girlfriend and she deserves some credit alright

[blackmilkbangtan]

bts reactions to you being insecure about your thighs

yoongi:

you know what they say; the freaks come out at night. and for yoongi, that was his status quo. his lips brushed against yours, leaving your face to grow hot at how sensual he was being. he then trailed down your neck, nipping and licking your chest and collarbones. his mouth left a path from your belly button, down to your entrance. his hot breath against it made your thighs want to close together, but was restrained by his veiny hands. right before he dived in -;)- he stopped and looked at your uncomfortable expression.

“mama what’s wrong.” he stopped his actions and rested his head on your plush stomach.

“i don’t know, it’s just sometimes i feel like im gonna suffocate you.” you muttered.

yoongi looked at you and laughed, “do you really think these,” he grabbed your thighs tightly “can suffocate me? im a grown man i can handle it” he said proudly. those few words boosted your confidence and tickled you at the same time.

“thanks baby, i lowkey needed that.” you giggled.

“now come on so i can eat.”

jin:

jin was preparing himself for another episode of eat! jin hosted on vlive. he sat down at his computer closing down his tabs so his internet would run faster, but one surprised him.

‘weight loss tips’

he immediately put two and two tighter and realized it was probably you, since you were the last one at his desk. it made him a little upset that you wanted to loose weight, maybe he wasnt loving you enough. he began his hunt and searched around the relatively small apartment you two shared. he ended finding you following along to a “how to properly squat” tutorial.

“what’s this?” jin asked, surprising you during your workout.

“im just working out, is that a problem?”

“it’s not like you’d notice anyway.” you said under your breath.

“now what’s that supposed to mean?” he was getting agitated now.

“you never want to have sex anymore,” his features softened at what you said, “do you honestly think that we’re not doing it because of your weight?”

“i mean everytime we go out, you always look at these skinny ass girls”

“they don’t have anything to look at! im just happy that ive got someone that can sit on my lap without a bone ramming into my thigh!” he exclaimed.

you broke out crying, not because of what he said, just that you hate when someone yells at you. jin moved closer and wrapped you into a tight hug.

“look babe, i love you so much, you don’t even understand.” he hunched over so he could put his head in the crook of your neck.

“i love you too jin” he separated his body from yours and gazed into your eyes.

“c’mon into this room so i can show you how much i love you.”

namjoon:

you were laying in the bed with namjoon, spending his day off as it should be; a day off.

while you were scrolling through social media laughing at memes until you scrolled along a stupid post ranting about how namjoon doesn’t “deserve to be with a fat bitch like you.” you always know armys were overly possessive, but to comment on something that doesn’t concern you is disgusting.

the bad bitch inside of you wanted to clap back, but the sad bitch in you took over and you started to cry.

“babygirl what’s wrong, you was just chillin and now you crying. what happened?” he cooed, rubbing his large hands lovingly on your thighs.

“some stupid -probably no jam army, called me fat and said i don’t deserve you, nothing to bad” you chuckled with tears still forming in your eyes.

“your not fat, there’s just more to love.” he tried to reassure you.

“you know how many fan fictions ive read that said that exact same thing”

“but i mean it, you have nothing to be upset about. why do you think my favorite position is doggy style? i love seeing your ass jiggle when im-“ you cut his inappropriate sentence off with a quick playful punch on the shoulder.

“now get off that phone, i got something else you can play with.”

taehyung:

while walking home you were being harassed by two grown men commenting about your weight.

“where’s a fat bitch like you going?”

“yeah, you fucking whale” his friend went along with him. you decided to be the bigger person and ignore them, yet they still followed you home.

“can you guys just leave me alone” you shouted at them.

“yeah” a deep voice cut in. you looked up to see a handsome man to be your defender.

“what’s some good looking guy like you hanging out with...this?”

“look, while im smashing this thick beautiful girl, you can go back to dicking down bitches that when they throw it back it sound like a screenshot.” he clapped back. while they stared at him like he was nuts, your cheeks grew hot as the attractive stranger talked about you so openly, like you knew him.

“youre dismissed,” his scrawny ass jumped at him. the guys left with a muttering of “fucker” and “fat ass” -referring to you. he then wrapped his arms around your waist.

“thanks for the help, nobody usually stands up for me like that.”

“nobody as fine and cute as you should be getting pick on by some bummy dudes.” this guy was smooth a hell, made you want to suck his dick right on the spot.

“i was finally feeling confident about my thighs, i guess i got to go back to being insecure and hiding them.” you half joked, using it as a coping mechanism.

“i like them, better to grab when im-“ he stopped himself, realizing that he was going too far to be talking to a stranger.

“im taehyung” he stopped to shake your hand.

“(your name).”

“here take my number, call me when you get home” he quickly put his number in and headed off, waving while walking in the opposite direction. your heart fluttered as he left, you took a look at what he saved his number as. “that cute asian boy”, a small smile grew on your face as you shoved the phone back in your pocket and headed home.

jungkook:

you and jungkook haven’t been dating for a while, but that didn’t mean your feelings for each other weren’t true. jungkook had officially introduced you to his group members. and he decided to get you acquainted with them by jin cooking a meal for all of you. as for your outfit, the shorts you wore exposed the bottom part of your ass. it wasn’t like you were self-conscious about your body, except your thighs which were ridden with cellulite.

while at dinner, you helped jin pass out the plates. each time you leaned over they all stared longingly at your thighs, fixated which each step you took. your face grew hot, you began to lose confidence each time a pair of their pupils landed on you. you quickly dashed your way to the nearest bathroom.

“(your name), wait up-“

you sat on the toilet, with your face in your hands silently crying. even though it was such a little inconvenience, it made your anxiety skyrocket. while in the midst of thinking, two small knocks echoed throughout the small room and jungkook came in.

“babe, what happened out there?” jungkook knelt down to your eye level.

“they were looking at me,”

“that’s all? why-“

“no, they were looking at me like i was disgusting, like i’m too big-“

“look, baby, they’ve literally never seen a thick girl in korea never in their lives, shit i was even surprised to see you.” your heart rested a little easier as his hand settled on your lap.

“take it as a compliment, your beautiful no matter what size you are. on some sappy cliche shit; i love you no matter what.” once the two of you exited the bathroom, the chatter in the dining room stopped.

“can you guys stop staring? this is mine”

jimin:

you and jimin were walking around the mall, window shopping and such. you finally landed your eyes on a cute pair of floral shorts.

“hey jimin honey, can i get a pair of those?” you gazed at how beautiful the shorts were from outside the window.

“of course, come on let’s head in.” he lead your already intertwined hands into the shop. one of the workers came up to you guys with a face full of fake politeness.

“how can i help you today?” she questioned, you could’ve sworn you saw her roll her eyes at me.

“i would like those pair of shorts in the window there, in an xl please.” you decided to go a size up since an american medium is probably small in korea.

“im sorry but i don’t think we carry that for...your kind of size,” she disrespectfully said, eyeing you up and down.

“first of all-“ you were so angry that you were almost on the verge of tears.

“(your name) come on let’s go to a different store” jimin ushered you out the store. “so you just gon let that weenie hut jr lookin’ ass bitch talk about me like that? to my face?” you said with a hushed shout.

“i didn’t want to cause a sce-“

“cause a scene my ass, you know how i feel about myself. she just basically called me fat you know.” jimin stopped in his tracks, and held both of his hands on either side of your shoulder.

“there’s nothing wrong with your body at all,” he said sternly.

“listen, you being chubby doesn’t change the way i feel about you,” he then pulled you into a tight hug.

“now come on, that store was weak anyway, let’s go buy you some gucci.”

hoseok:

“muffin whats taking you so long in there?” hoseok shouted from the other side of the door. hoseok wanted to take you to the beach for his day off, and you wanted to cover up as much as your thighs and the cellulite that ruled over it as well.

you went over at least 17 outfits, and it’s taking you hours to decide on one.

“stop playing around, they’re gonna close the beach in like 2 and a half hours” another bang on the door followed as he finished his sentence.

“ok i’m done” the door swung open and you walked out in a pair of sweat pants and a throw on shirt.

“you’re not going outside like that”

“why?”

“why? you’re gonna have a fucking heat stroke wearing that, go but on your swim suit and some shorts.” he pushed you back into the room and he followed suit.

“people are gonna stare,” you looked down, being to shy to admit that your super insecure about your thighs. hoseok pulled you on the bed with him,

“you have nothing to worry about,”

“yes i-“

“no, you don’t.”

“but what about th-“

“those ‘all skin and bone’ girls at the beach that look at you?” his hand rested on your thigh and ran his thumb against the sides of them. “listen, theyre just mad that their boyfriends don’t feed them at home.” he joked. he always found a way to turn everything into something funny and you loved it.

“now out on the swimsuit that makes your ass look juicy.”

“the red one?”

“the red one.”

a.n.= unedited and i feel like hoseoks and jimins are a lil’ shitty. sorry @anon 🐝

#kpop ambw #poc kpop #poc kpop fans #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop #bts poc #poc bts #ambw bts #bts scenarios #bts #jimin #jin #jungkook #jeongguk #v bts #taehyung #seokjin #rm #namjoon #suga #yoongi #jhope #hoseok #reaction #poc reader #poc army #poc

[emletish-fish]

Worst Prisoner Chapter 6 Notes

Ao3   

FF.net

Lovely readers!

one million thanks to Boogum for the beta!

Thanks so much for sticking with it, and a huge enormous thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reviews and comments. Your feedback keeps me writing! Since this chapter is huge, I'll keep my rambles short.

Today I will ramble about

Sokka and leadership.

Aang and the grieving process.  

Iroh's parenting style.

My Two favourite drama llamas and their ‘forbidden love’.

The main events of Bato of the water tribe, Aang stealing the map, ice-dodging and Sokka and Katara temporarily leaving would still go the same way, because there is some great character development for Aang and Sokka there. I've just written about what would be different.

Sokka,  I love that kid. Bless him, I think he is great. This episode does deal with how he sees leadership and what it means to be a man. Sokka does idolise the warrior culture and is very keen to be seen as a manly, manly Water Tribe warrior man. While Katara is often painted as Team Mum, I would argue that Sokka is definitely the team leader. Zuko will eventually become to the team dad, but even he is just following Sokka's ideas and plans at this stage.  In fact, I'd say Zuko will generally follow Sokka's lead. Look at Boiling Rock, it's mostly Sokka doing all the plans and Zuko being his ride-or-die buddy, and offering unconditional support.

The thing about leadership and feeling responsible is that it can be tough and lonely. Sokka's 16 and still trying to figure out how to be the leader at this stage. He would especially not be too confident in his decisions here, given how everything had turned out recently. He is more that willing to hand leadership over to an older male from his tribe, who he knows, trusts and respects. And in all honesty, Bato's not wrong that it is much safer for everyone to split up now.  

The Gaang would no longer be attracting even more attention from the Fire Nation, and the abbey is theoretically much safer for Zuko than been dragged through the forest by them. Everyone knows Zuko hasn't had the best luck with them so far on the remaining uninjured front. Neither Sokka or Katara are happy with this arrangement, but I also couldn't see either of them directly rebelling against Bato, who they respect and love.  

Bato  is exactly like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc. “You put that thing back where it came from or so help me!”

 Bato was never going to be happy to see Zuko in this scenario. Sorry to everyone who wanted Zuko to go ice-dodging. I just couldn't see Bato, who strikes me as someone who would be very protective of his best friend's kids, being too happy with them travelling/kidnapping the prince of the Fire Nation or wanting to initiate a firebender into Water Tribe customs. The prejudice against the Fire-Nation is (justifiably) deep in the SWT.  This is also why he doesn't refer to Zuko by name either, as that would humanise him. In Bato's mind, all fire benders are bad.

Aang, and the grieving process: I love Aang as a character in season one and two, even some of season 3, but his characterisation gets unceremoniously shoved under the bus by Bryke's favouritism and their desire to force Kataang, and it has led to a great deal of backlash against the lil muffin. A great deal has been written about the Katara side of the fallout, but I say poor Aang deserved better, too.  

@marsreds

Marsreds on Tumblr had some lovely metas all about how Aang deserved better that I agree with. One of her points is that the Kataang relationship, which is stated in canon to be Aang transferring the love of his whole people into an unhealthy attachment to Katara as a coping mechanism, is pretty much a band-aid over the massive wound that is Aang's grief.  I agree with this 100%, and it is one of the huge reasons why their dynamic is so unhealthy, because Katara can never make up for an entire people by herself.

Aang doesn't really go through the recognised grieving process; denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, during the show. I am not saying that I wanted the show to become bogged down in it or for Aang to become a maudlin character. His optimism and joy are some of the best things about him. However, I do think Aang's recovery should have happened.

I would say he seems stuck in denial, and bargaining in the show. Swapping the love he felt from a whole people into the maternal care he gets from one person and becoming dependant on that relationship reeks of an unhealthy bargaining coping mechanism. So this chapter, I had him acknowledge to himself that he really does miss his old life, his old friends and the way the world used to be.  

Do you ever just think about how many shenanigans Zuko got into, and then consider the fact that Iroh 100% knew and let him go off anyway?  Iroh really only calls him out on the stealing and trying to bring Appa back to their tiny apartment in Ba Sing Se.  Other than that, Iroh's cool with it. This would have been a big wake-up call for him.  

He has a very laissez-faire style to parenting/mentoring Zuko. He lets Zuko go off and make his own mistakes then helps him pick up the pieces, and offers wisdom after the fact.  This approach was probably good early on, given how emotionally damaged Zuko was. He would not have responded well to his Uncle being an over-bearing parental type in the early days of the Wani, especially when he was trying be all grown up in front of the men, (a lil baby captain).  However, they have just fallen into this pattern of Zuko doing really dangerous stuff and Iroh never pulling him back.

Zuko and Katara's biggest obstacle is not some dark n' edgy bullshit (because they actually are very similar people who are compatible in many ways). It is the fact that they have been  born and raised on the opposite side of a 100 year war and are meant to see each other as the enemy!

The respective cultures/nations will not be happy with their relationship/connection at all. Members of the SWT would not be happy seeing Katara, their last waterbender, with someone from the Fire Nation. Not to mention the overt colonisation and disdain of other races by the Fire Nation! It's Romeo and Juliet, or Oma and Shu level stuff. Two lovers, forbidden from one and another, a war divides their people ...like c'mon. Who else is it meant to be? Oma and Shu is a metaphor for their love! It epic level stuff.

I don't love the comics because of how they trash my lil muffins. However, I vaguely recall one where they tried to bring this aspect into K@taang.  Aang had to choose between Katara and his duty to the world, and Katara was just going to..not have a vote in the relationship, I guess. See Bryke know how powerful and romantic a theme the whole forbidden lovers thing is, but it does not apply at all to the canon ships. It just makes it look like Aang makes all the decisions in the relationship.

Next chapter we will meet Jeong Jeong and other deserters, Katara will discover a new skill, Zuko will discover a new idea, Aang will make a friend and Sokka will be taken to an all you can eat meat restaurant.

Til then.  

#worst prisoner #emletish rants #emletish writes #emletish fic #zuko #iroh #katara #zutara #sokka #sokka's instincts #aang #bato

[caesarsme]

Dior Bag

Arguably probably the most iconic bag from Dior, the Lady Dior got here into immense recognition after it was presented to Princess Diana by the First Lady of France in 1995. Consequently named after the princess, the bag is known for its subtle outline and iconic cannage stitching. wikipedia As I personally love to do lots of analysis earlier than investing in a luxury bag and since my YSL Niki evaluation received a lot of views, I determined to put in writing a detailed evaluation of my Mini Lady Dior that will help you in your purchasing course of. Christian Dior’s fantastically crafted purses are recognized for their female and stylish aesthetics. Everyone from fashionistas to royals have been spotted with their iconic pieces. The most popular and sought-after bag from Dior’s collection is the Lady Dior. Sometimes you don’t wish to be within the driver’s seat and Dior’s Belt Bag lets you go hands-free. This grey metal calfskin bag captures the delicate aesthetic of the fashion home and combines it with the freedom present in your normal belt. No matter whether you pair it with a mini skirt or denim shorts come competition season, this bag is for these who want to give all of it and boogie hands-free. Named after Christian Dior’s beloved dog, the Bobby Bag is an elegant, structured twist on traditional hobo purses. Signs of wear, light soiling or discoloration of materials could also be present. Soles and uppers don't have any indicators of wear.Like NewShoes are like new with very slight indicators of wear on the soles. Very little to no signs of soiling on the shoe uppers.Gently UsedShoes have obviously been worn, but no indicators of serious put on, abrasions, stains, scratches, or tears on the shoe higher. Moreover, it provides extremely accurate estimations on the CAGR, market share, and market dimension of key regions and nations. Jones also believes in fostering the relationship between style and art, by way of seasonal collaborations with artists like Kaws, Daniel Arsham, Kenny Scharf and Peter Doig. Jones noticed these partnerships as a nod to founder Christian Dior’s early roots as a gallerist. Sacai has partnered with mainstream brands Nike and The North Face, up to date traces like A.P.C, and rising designers like Tomo Koizumi. Fans are nonetheless anxiously awaiting the debut of her John Paul Gaultier assortment to be revealed in July at Paris Couture. What’s even worse is that when a maker of fake baggage succeeds in promoting a faux on The RealReal, it encourages that maker to provide extra fake luggage, and that compounds the issue. The RealReal, a big and necessary player within the on-line luxurious resale enterprise, has been so successful that it went public in late June. On the morning of this article’s publication, the company’s market capitalization was over $1.7 billion. According to its latest financial report, it has no debt and over $60 million in cash (including short-term investments) readily available. In 2017, a crocodile Himalayan Birkin with diamond finishings was offered in public sale at Christie’s in Hong Kong for $379,261, coming a protracted, good distance since its $2,000 price ticket when the bag debuted in 1984. The Lady Dior is assembled from one hundred forty four parts in ateliers in Florence. The hardware alone is constructed from forty three metallic elements – from charms to ft and eyelets. When searching on your first Lady Dior, contemplate the proper measurement, materials, and the design options you worth. Christian Dior was a French designer who created attire and equipment for men and women. Alongside Deane on the Queen’s Birthday Honours List is Kent-based Kresse Ann-Marie Wesling, one half of sustainable equipment model, Elvis and Kresse, who has also been awarded a CBE. The Welsh-born entrepreneur started The Cambridge Satchel Co with 600 kilos and one vision to ship her kids to a better faculty. With no borrowing, Deane has created a brand primarily based around its now-iconic satchel and within the first 5 years, the corporate was valued at forty million pounds. The report has categorized the worldwide Luxury Bag market into segments including product kind and application. Besides, the analysts have studied the potential regions that will prove rewarding for the Luxury Bag manufcaturers within the coming years. Lady Dior may be the hallmark of the House of Dior’s fashion, and has turn out to be one of the brand’s most iconic accessories. There’s always a pre owned Dior handbag to match any outfit of the day. Pink or blue, metallic or denim, micro or tote — used Christian Dior bags are sure to add pomp and persona to your signature type. Take the Hermès Kelly, which previously went by the forgettable moniker of Sac à Dépêches, used by Grace Kelly to hide her pregnant belly from the paparazzi in 1956. The type turned a sensation – it nonetheless commands waiting lists – and was later named after the actress. The new type has boosted the pattern for shoulder luggage with a retro really feel. Dior's technique, it appears, was a gradual and regular trickle of product placement for a quantity of months, and then a unmistakeable wave all of sudden like some ancient warfare tactic dreamed up by a PR team with unlimited funds and sizzling associates. Rolex Cellini Replica Watches Woman Dior Replica Purses The Augustus opened in 2005 with 949 rooms, which had been designed for more upscale luxury and repair than the opposite elements of the resort. The 668-room tower was added as a half of a $860-million expansion. The swimming pools at Caesars Palace are modeled after the Roman baths. Jeff Campbell of Lonely Planet refers back to the lodge as "quintessentially Las Vegas", a "Greco-Roman fantasyland that includes marble reproductions of classical statuary". The artwork deco fashion fused with clear influences from Hollywood epic productions dominate. Construction of the 14-story Caesars Palace resort on the 34-acre site started in 1962, and it opened in 1966. Under the dome, close to the twelve o’clock position are double retrograde seconds “phasers”.? Referred to as “turret-mounted laser cannons,” these seconds indicators broaden and contract over forty seconds, giving the notion that they're capturing very, very slowly. But Apple is clearly coping with these third-party app challenges. Our Gucci impressed sunglasses give you the same quality and style but at a fraction of the fee. A retailer selling replica Chanel and Louis Vuitton handbags, wallets, watches and other goods once appeared at this area. The website owners were discovered liable in a Federal civil action for damages in excess of $1,000,000.00. PerfumeOnline.ca is a Canadian’s #1 place to buy low cost perfumes on-line. We inventory more than 5,000 women’s and men’s Designer fragrances, Our broad number of perfumes and colognes consists of celebrity scents, reward units, prime sellers, hard-to-find fragrances, specialty samples, new releases, and even discontinued manufacturers. High winds blew over the water causing not only surfable products from the bigger manufacturers. A weaker mainstream industry unable to capture the hearts and minds of shoppers is unlikely to breed too many individuals who then go on to want the experience of a high-end independent brand. Although how much are breitling watches replica tiger woods tag heuer watch replica the Millenary fashions are fascinating, they are somewhat misplaced in mild of the popularity of the Royal Oak. https://depurses.ru/dior.html When designing a mechanical replica watches with field work for a skeleton watch, care is taken to ensure that the bridge kind can always be transferred to the board as properly. The third party is a golden case with gold highest quality replica watches discussion board gold, chrome steel and dial. Transparent back cowl, transparent, embellished in Geneva, centered patek philippe geneve pretend patek philippe calatrava replica on the emblem of Coru. It has turn into a simple aim of F1 or impartial opponents. Wearing a black suit is completely totally different temperament. He wears a purple rivet mini girl dior with a personality fashion to show the charm of a good-looking woman. Recently, the personalised “MY LADY DIOR” badge bag is type of awkward, romantic constellation badge, you can select any three rose, embellished on a large shoulder strap, a very interesting and really personalised fashion. Replica Dior Bag Metal straps, broad shoulder straps and portable shoulders are more according to the trend of this era. That brings us to the end of our actual vs fake Dior Lady Lambskin bag legit check information. We will continue to update this text as higher and newer comparisons are put out. In the Dior Lady Lambskin bag pretend vs actual image above, we now have identified the fact that the fake bag seems to be wider and to have a extra “fatter” form than the authentic Dior bag. As for the second step of the guide on the way to spot faux Christian Dior Lady Lambskin baggage, we are going to analyze the sample of the stitching on the front aspect of the faux vs actual Dior Bags. With all of this being stated, let’s transfer on to the right fake vs actual Dior Lady bag legit verify guide. It has began to do that in its marketing efforts, having recently introduced a relationship with Burberry, which enhances a previous relationship with dressmaker Stella McCartney. When I read the prospectus, the chart above and The RealReal web site, I get the clear impression that the authenticators and the copywriters are completely different folks. There isn't any point out of getting two tiers of authenticators. Investors putting up cash in The RealReal would possibly make a different choice if they had been advised more about how the authentication course of works. Dior wraps their handles in paper, whereas replica handles are sometimes wrapped in plastic. Ch David is the co-founder and CEO of Legit Check By Ch. In the faux vs real Dior Lady Lambskin bag image above, we have pointed out how the fake bag has its stitches wanting too thin. It must also be completely symmetrical and line up with pockets and the completely different sides. You shouldn't be in a place to really feel it by operating your fingers over the stitching and the colour should match the bag’s color, making it nearly invisible. Please notice that leather-based parts used inside the Lady Dior must at all times be of similar colour to the bag’s exterior. Flip the bag over and you should see 5 or 4 metallic studs in the form of a tapered dome. You ought to find 4 toes on the Medium, Small and the Mini sized Lady Diors and 5 toes on the Large one. Originally wished to buy three white or gray, or gray cloth. The outcomes met with cardamom powder, it's so beautiful. In reality, earlier than buying a lot of people say that girl isn't sensible, but I as a regular Libra must be misplaced in the worth of this facet. Replica Dior Bags Diorissimo Jumbo Bag Orange Nappa Leather is made of silky leather-based with polished steel fittings. On the reverse side genuine playing cards have two small and one massive rectangular spaces for retailer details and the date to be stamped. 1) The steel circle which holds the charms ought to be fairly sturdy on a real bag, representing the standard of the model. In the case of the Lady Dior, the lettered D, I, and R charms to sit in entrance of a large letter O. 3)The serial quantity is very important in phrases of authenticating your merchandise. All you have to do is google search the serial number and if the product pictures come up then generally your item is authentic, but generally faux fashions also have the identical serial number as an genuine one. Be sure to look at all of the features when buying a pre-loved item. Selling replica clothes is in opposition to the law in some extent Freshen up your area with Home Decor Fabrics from Fabric.com. Enjoy Free Shipping on home orders $49+ and Free Returns. Shop all kinds of upholstery, drapery, outdoor and interior textiles. Neutral-style mouthpiece chain bag can enhance the handsome and chic temperament of ladies at the identical time. This time we will take you to understand the appeal of essentially the most handsome diorama bag in Dior historical past. Another method to spot a fake Dior bag is to verify the stitching, which needs to be small, even, and accomplished with a thin thread in the exact colour of the fabric it's sewn into. You'll find these qualities in the Lady Dior, whose iconic cannage quilting isn't simply replicated, significantly by amateur counterfeiters . The backpacks with relatively large capacity also appeared within the collection. The iconic “D” shape of the saddle bag was designed on the entrance of the bag, so people can see that they're a household.

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Why You Shouldn't Give Up Masturbation During the Pandemic

A few years back, a bunch of guys on the internet started challenging each other to go the whole month of November without ejaculating. It’s “No Nut November,” as they call it. Men do this for a wide range of reasons, with some claiming that it enhances strength, energy, testosterone and/or focus. This year is no exception to the challenge—there’s a 2020 “Quarantine Edition” currently running on Reddit.

The truth, however, is that there isn’t any scientific evidence that giving up masturbation and ejaculation will enhance your health—in fact, if anything, research suggests that there are more potential health benefits to be had by indulging in self-pleasure than by abstaining. And, as I explain below, that may be especially true during the November of COVID-19.

Before we get into that, though, I should mention that this idea of abstaining from masturbation or taking a break from it is good for you is one that has a long history. In fact, we can trace this back to the ancient Greeks and Romans, among whom it was widely believed that sexual abstinence before a major sporting competition was crucial to success. To this day, many still subscribe to this belief; however, scientific evidence that abstinence improves athletic performance just hasn’t materialized.

There isn’t any evidence that masturbatory abstinence improves health, either. In fact, research suggests precisely the opposite: frequent masturbation is linked to more benefits than anything. For example, among men, frequent orgasm and ejaculation have been linked to a lower risk of prostate cancer [1]. Among women, masturbation has been shown to provide relief from symptoms of painful menstruation [2]. Likewise, other research has shown that masturbation may provide relief from chronic pain [2].

Masturbation may also be good for our mental health. This is an activity that a lot of people engage in for stress relief, and many find it to be an effective coping mechanism. For example, in one study of heterosexual men, more than half said they had used masturbation to relieve stress, and this was linked to several positive outcomes [3]. In the words of the study’s author: “individuals used masturbation to reduce stress in a manner which increased clarity, relaxation, [and] calm.”

Research on women has revealed similar findings: many report turning to masturbation specifically for self-care purposes, such as relieving stress and/or help falling asleep [4].

The stress-relieving and relaxing properties of masturbation would seem to be especially important during the COVID-19 pandemic, a period during which levels of stress and anxiety have been significantly elevated for a prolonged period of time. Taking away an effective stress relief tool during this challenging time therefore seems ill-advised.

For a closer look at what the science of self-love has revealed, check out the video below and this article.

It’s worth noting that pretty much all of the research in this area is correlational, meaning we can’t really say what’s causing what. In other words, is masturbation benefiting health, or are healthier people just more likely to masturbate?

That said, if masturbation is something that was truly bad for our health, we wouldn’t be seeing what we’re seeing in the data. So even if we can’t say for sure that masturbation improves health and well-being, study after study shows that it certainly doesn’t appear to be harmful to our health. So maybe it’s time to stop worrying so much about masturbation—and maybe it should be encouraged rather than discouraged during times of high stress.

Watch more videos on the science of sex and relationships here.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates.

[1] Rider, J. R., Wilson, K. M., Sinnott, J. A., Kelly, R. S., Mucci, L. A., & Giovannucci, E. L. (2016). Ejaculation frequency and risk of prostate cancer: updated results with an additional decade of follow-up. European urology, 70(6), 974-982.

[2] Brody, S. (2010). The relative health benefits of different sexual activities. The journal of sexual medicine, 7(4), 1336-1361.

[3] Leonard, A. (2010). An investigation of masturbation and coping style. In 38th Annual Western Pennsylvania undergraduate psychology conference.

[4] Carvalheira, A., & Leal, I. (2013). Masturbation among women: Associated factors and sexual response in a Portuguese community sample. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 39(4), 347-367.

Image Source: iStockphoto

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[werevulvi]

I'm still not feeling 100% about getting my beard removed. Cause I used to love it, in the past. I used to really, really love it. Up until as late as about a year ago. But now I hate it and it makes me very dysphoric, but at the same time I struggle to let go of how I used to feel about it, but no longer do. It's a form of nostalgia, I think. My past feelings linger like a layer of dust over my true feelings. Were my past feelings not true then? Well, they were a coping mechanism.

I know I should look into those feelings more before actually getting my beard removed, but I don't know how. Perhaps making a list of "reasons to keep it" vs "reasons to remove it" might help, but I dunno. Cause I'm pretty sure all my "reasons to keep it" are just nostalgia stuff that makes me scared to remove it, but don't mean I actually want to keep it. It's like when you keep a useless object in your home cause you're just emotionally attached to it, but you never use it and you have no use for it anymore. So it's just collecting dust in a box somewhere, but you don't wanna get rid of it.

I wish I could just stuff my beard in a box somewhere! But I don't quite have that option with my body parts. They don’t click on and off like detachable parts of a doll. Maybe I could just save a tiny bit of it and keep in a small box, for affection reasons? Cause it's hard to make such a permanent decision to destroy it forever. Could you really take that old thing in your garage that you used to once really love and have a million emotions and memories attached to, even though it's also a really gross thing that you don't want around, or maybe it takes up too much space or whatever, and throw it into a fire? Or a shredder? Or hack it up into pieces and throw into a dump yard?

Could you, really? And would you cry too, as you’d feel your heart fighting it?

That my dysphoria “reversed” itself from one kind to its opposite like this, AFTER having transitioned... is such a merciless cruelty. I tried to treat it! I tried to make it better. But then the symptom fucking flipped 180 degrees on me and I’m back to square one. But there’s so much more to it than that. It comes with heavy feelings of nostalgia, dead dreams, confusion, frustration, grief, regret, pain... so much pain. I hate having mixed feelings about things that I have to make an "either or" decision about. It's hindering my life to keep my beard, and it's stunting me really a lot cause of how badly dysphoric it makes me and how hard it is to hide. Cause it’s literally in my face, and thus in everyone’s face. I can't go swimming with it, I can't start practicing karate with it, I'm dependent on using makeup because of it, I'm scared to start dating with it still there, I hate being mistaken for a trans woman because of it, I worry about locker rooms and any and all female only spaces, and so on. I have both body and social dysphoria about it. I shave also when there's no one around to see it for days. When I touch the stubble while alone by myself it makes me panic and feel gross. I always avoid mirrors when not shaven. When it's smooth I feel free and like touching my face. Only then it actually feels like my own face and that is what’s comforting for me now.

But at the same time, I have a now very latent love for it. But it is merely the memory of a feeling.

A feeling that used to be very strong, comforting and empowering. It used to be my comfort pillow in this harsh misogynistic world that doesn't see me as "fully human" when I get read as a woman, a world that traumatised me badly for being female. But I can no longer live in hiding cause of fear. I can fight misogyny and recover from my traumas while also presenting female, without the mask I used to wear to protect myself. It is still scary, it does make me feel a million times more vulnerable. But “woman” is something I simply am and it's not something I can ever truly escape from.

No amount of facial hair can truly protect me from that. Cause it doesn't work that way. I do not want to wear that mask of maleness anymore. It's not the true me. It's not how nature made me. It's not how I want to face the world, or my own mirror reflection. Removing the mask may also remove my skin in the process, but I'd rather be without skin than hide as something I am not. No matter how scary it is to be so vulnerable. What once used to be my armour is now suffocating me.

I don't know if it's even so that me being a femme and not quite passing as female may actually be to my disadvantage. I used to be so approachable, both before my transition and during it, despite my gothy style, but in my detransition people back away and take distance. It’s hard not to notice such a stark contrast. They're careful around me. It makes me think all sorts of things. What could be going through their minds? What sort of vibes do I suddenly give off that I somehow didn't before? Am I that creepy? My male-infused femininity might be what creeps people out. I keep thinking that must be it cause what else could possibly have changed, but I don't know. I can't read their minds.

I will likely struggle with removing my beard, and the physical pain I can expect from the process will likely be both highly symbolic and a great cover for my tears of sadness (like crying in the rain), but I know I can't keep it. I'm almost certain that by the moment it's more or less gone, or even already after the first session, I will feel relief being freed from it, and start to see the possibilities ahead of me. To be able to go out without makeup on my face, and not having to spend so much time and money on shaving. To start swimming again, start karate, not run away scared from every cute girl I see cause of my fear that she'll think I'm a straight man in a dress creeping after her when I’m actually a totally harmless lesbian.

I long for that future. I long for it more than I used to love my beard. Yes, I have decided to get it removed. But it still hurts to say goodbye to such a close, former, trusted friend that kept me safe, comforted and alive for several years. That I wanted badly for many years before that. I got what I wished for. I got it in an abundance that many men would be jealous of.

I have realised that I will come to grieve that too, because there is no better option. It sucks so fucking much to choose grief over dysphoria, because I cannot choose dysphoria over grief. Bring me the tears, I'm ready.

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