#neurotypicals genuinely make me upset

[cybers-shithole]

WHY DO NEUROTYPICALS MAKE LIFE SO HARD. LIKE WHY ARE THEY SUCH HATERS???? i made a hellpark pip sticker but im scared to put it on my computer due to embarrassment and fear of my FRIENDS pointing it out. because im embarassed to explain its a tumblr blog au version of pip, from south park. WHY CANT I JUST BE SILLY WITHOUT JUDGEMENT?? and dont get me started on those sarcastic ass responses that go right over my head. "oh... thats... cool..!! uh huh!" FUCK YEAH IT IS, WANNA HEAR MORE>????

#spinterest #special interest #neurotypicals dni/hj #autism #autistic #neurotypicals make me sad #hellpark #hell park #south park #south park spinterest #IM NORMAL #neurotypicals genuinely make me upset #like just be honest #and be nice #and accept that this small thing means a LOT to me #please dont JUDGE me for something i LIKE #fuck YOU #dani wrote this

[sodomy-and-the-boyscouts]

Does anyone else with autism literally not know what sensory things are bothering them unless they somehow find out or make a sustained effort to know what it is?

Like, I see all these posts that will be like “i can’t x because the light is too loud” or “my scalp hurts” or something, and that’s fine because those are the reasons that these feelings are happening, but oftentimes when I’m in a situation I have just mentally unconsciously blocked out whatever it is, like say it’s a repetitive buzzing from a light, i’ll just be PISSED and I won’t know why, and then i’ll realize i’m pissed, and then maybe I’ll step too close and hear the light buzzing and be like “OH”.

Like I feel like I’m never right away conscious of what’s bothering me, or even that something IS bothering me, I just start acting out for what feels like no reason.

Like, it genuinely took me YEARS to realize that why i’m so uncomfortable in certain places is because of how loud fluorescent lights are. (like, I know they light a space well, but I can’t be the only one that is bothered by such loud appliances, I feel like a know many neurotypical people who should also be upset over a buzzing light. why did we, as a society, decide to install vibrating lights everywhere?)

#autism #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #actually autistic #autistic experiences #sensory issues #fluorescent lights #i hate them #asd #autism spectrum disorder #ranting ranting

[donniesexceptionalmind]

HI! HAVE ART!

I have no idea how accurate the outfit is (and I suck major ASS at drawing hats) but I tried and I hope u enjoy :333 (I also made the lil clip thing for the cape the logo thing (???) yall have bc its cool >:D) (AND ALSO PLS PLS PLS TAKE THIS AN EXCUSE TO RANT ABOUT EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION OR SMTH BC I HEARD U HAPPEN TO RANT A LOT ABOUT AUTISM AND I AM V INTERESTED IN THAT STUFF!!!)

Me when J saw the art:

I actually infodumped about executive dysfunction before!

But I will share some additional information about it because you drew this amazing piece of art & I am very joyous. ✨️

Here is my personal experience:

Executive dysfunction can be really challenging & for me, it is a huge part of all the things that make autism a disability.

The everyday experience as an autistic person is already loaded with stress, anxiety & discomfort - and on top of that we are getting blessed with not being able to do things even though we need to. There is a barrier in our brain that says "No" & you can't do anything about it. You are perhaps paralyzed, doomscrolling social media or just staring at the wall for hours.

The outside perspective of this is always "You are lazy, you are not trying hard enough, just do it", but it is not as easy as that. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be struggling. Because, you know, we DO KNOW we need to get these things done & sometimes we WANT TO get them done!

In short, executive functioning skills are cognitive skills that help us to regulate & control our thoughts & actions. Planning your actions is actually a higher executive functioning skill just like problem-solving.

Struggling with executive functioning can look like:

Not being able to begin a task that involves multiple steps, e.g., cooking a meal - it's just too much to process, too much to do!

Hyperfocus: getting too absorbed in a task so you forget everything around you, including bodily signals like hunger, thirst, tiredness (although hyperfocus can also be a blessing to get things done and/or experience a large amount of joy, especially when it comes to our special interests)

Struggling to reply to messages in time (e.g. my inability to answer inbox messages even though I genuinely want to)

Struggling with decision making, e.g, which task do I do first, what should I wear? Even crucial things like 'Should I get up?'

What helps me:

ROUTINES. Honestly. As an autistic person I have a lot of terrible days, but there are also days that are not too bad. And the perfectionist that I am, on days that are not too bad I try to do as much as possible- which can lead to having a terrible day straight after. BUT I have established a very well basic system of routines & tasks that IF I stick to them, I will be fine (mostly). (If I were sticking to it. It's a struggle. AHEM.)

And it is OKAY to have rituals & routines.

We seek to replicate success when we experience it because it makes us feel safe, grounded & happy!

And also bring order to the chaos that is the world around us - it is REALLY upsetting to live here, isn't it?

For Leon it's incredibly hard to establish routine because of his ADHD & this is a whole new topic to cover.

And yes, it is fairly common that people of all neurotypes have routines.

The difference though:

My day will get significantly worse if I can't do what I have planned or if I miss a segment of an established ritual.

For example, if I can't have my lunch in the time frame I always have it, it will cause physical & mental pain - sometimes to the point of a meltdown if things add up.

As I mentioned before I am sometimes NOT coherent with sticking to these routines & that is because of internal ableism & my own ignorance.

I struggle to accept that I have a disability & that I am not functioning like neurotypicals. Their standard shall be mine, but I can't live up to that standard. This is a problem I still have to overcome.

I sometimes expect too much of myself & burn myself out, blame myself for not achieving goals etcetera. This is not healthy.

There should be a base level of respect for an autistic person's need for routine & compassion when it does get ripped to shreds.

The world is unpredictable. Unexpected changes will happen if we want it or not.

I hope I was able to provide additional input! /g

#IT LOOKS AMAZING #ME AS VAATI #donnie speaks #donnies exceptional mind #turtle net #the legend of zelda #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #executive dysfunction #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt donatello #autism awareness #autism spectrum disorder #donatello infodumps #autism #autistic thoughts

[psychopathicfreak]

I hate how much of a pedestal neurotypicals put love on, and how much they try to gatekeep it, especially from those with mental illnesses that cause them to lack empathy or be self - centered .

Love is an emotion like any other . It can be toxic . That doesn’t mean it’s “ not love ” . You can’t just add a bunch of shit to the definition because you, personally, feel that the way you express love is superior . It’s just a feeling . It’s a chemical reaction . Feeling love, and acting loving, are two different things . For me, I hate feeling vulnerable . I hate caring about others because it means that they have the power to hurt me; being insulted or abandoned by someone you care for or respect hurts more than being insulted or abandoned by someone you don’t give a fucking shit about . I love so intensely that them leaving me wouldn’t be just upsetting, but soul — destroying . Feeling love feels like a threat to my life . I truly believe that I would be worse if I was more empathetic because I hate the idea of someone else having control over me and my emotions . I don’t not have emotions because I’m mean . I’m mean because my emotions are so strong that I constantly feel unsafe, or under attack, and so I retaliate with harshness and am constantly on guard .

I feel love so intense that I can’t properly handle it . I care about them so deeply that, although I can’t feel what they feel, I do notice any slight shift in attitude and feel intensely paranoid because of it . I want to constantly keep them happy so that they love me too, and won’t reject me, but it feels safer to hurt them so badly that they’re scared of leaving . I can predict fear better than love, and maybe I know that I’m better at instilling that feeling . It’s not that I want to hurt them for the sake of it . I love them so fucking much that I need to make them stay by me at all times . I love them so much that I can’t live without them . I love them so much that I’ll beg for it . I just hate feeling vulnerable and needy, or weak, so the fact that they caused me to fucking beg for them just so they could ignore me, clearly being the one in the position of power at that moment, angers me so much that I’ll start screaming and threatening them, and then I worry that they’ll hate me so much for that that they’ll leave . I’ll apologize, but I’m not truly sorry . I’m just scared of losing them . I can tell when I’m being genuine, of course . I know that I feel happier and safer when I feel that they’re mine . I know that I really do find them . . . amazing, and special, in many ways . So fucking special to me, in fact, that it really fucks with my head . After the apology, I’ll convince myself that I’m entitled to a response, or I’ll start feeling rejected without one when I’ve pushed aside ego and tried so much, so I’ll start with the threats and anger again . This time, they’ll probably be worse . It’s not out of hatred, but because I’m so fucking desperate to just be acknowledged by them . I know that this is toxic, but it’s the love that makes me so toxic . I’m a lot nicer to strangers because, when I feel ignored by them, I don’t care . They can leave me for hours, and I won’t say anything . I’d feel pleasant and stable enough to greet them happily upon their return .

The idea of being so infatuated with someone, thinking of them constantly, and doing everything to keep them, but instead being pushed away ? That hurts me so badly that I instinctually want to hurt them back . It’s not because I hate them, but because I can’t stand loving them when they don’t love me . It makes me feel horrible . . . It makes me want to break their fucking legs, but I also want to nurse them back to health after, and tell them that nobody would be so willing to take care of them and provide them with everything they need in their helpless state like I am . I don’t want them to be sick or hurt . I have some sort of “ preference ” for it out of necessity, because I’m so fucking haunted by these thoughts constantly that I need whoever can cause me to feel like this to be disarmed . Otherwise, I fear I’ll die of a broken heart, or be so paranoid I’ll never get a single good night of sleep again . It’s not hatred . It’s not carelessness . It’s self — preservation . I get intensely angry over how, even after all of this, shit still might not seem like it’s working out, and when I have impulse control problems, it can be hard to cope with that rage effectively .

I don’t say any of this to excuse how I think, feel, or behave . None of this is good, and I know that . I can understand why it can cause the very things I’m terrified of to happen . My point is that feeling love doesn’t make someone pleasant to be around, or at all a “ good person ” . I’m toxic, obsessive, and possessive, but I can be in love, and of course that only exacerbates my symptoms . It shouldn’t be surprising that I hate it . I act negatively because of that too, but it’s not the same as hating or not loving the object of my affection . I wish I hated them, so I could finally feel free from this torture .

#cluster b #bpd #borderline personality disorder #aspd #antisocial personality disorder #bpd favorite person #bpd fp #bpd safe #bpd feels #bpd vent #bpd thoughts

[ohbrightnewday]

every aaron headcanon ever. go

Oh anon, what you have unlocked… sorry for whoever reads all of these. (These are mostly bway but l can be generalised to 2024 / 2004 I think, but usually, 2024 Aaron is a different person to me.)

• He’s an older brother to a younger sister, middle school aged when he’s a senior. He tries to have a good relationship with her, but she’s very much a pre-teen girl who doesn’t really like to listen to him and his parents make him drive her around a lot.

• Weird relationship with his parents. His mom wanted him to get an amazing education at Northshore and is devastated and furious when she founds out that the school found out she lied about their address. His mom claims she wants the best for him, but really she just wants him to Be Good at something. His dad is just… a typical dad. He pushes Aaron for sport, says stuff things like “good job bud” and then sort of leaves him to his mom.

• Deeply, deeply mediocre at everything. He’s never gotten above a A in a class before, even if he works at it, his standard grades are Bs and always have been. He doesn’t have a class that’s “his” in the same way Cady has AP calc, for example; he just takes classes and does okay in them. It fucks with his self esteem so much because he’s never going to be anything other than average.

• Four season athlete to try and make up for his crippling mediocrity but he’s just… average at that too. Coach Carr sort of hates him and benches him a lot.

• He does genuinely enjoy soccer though, and is friends with a lot of the people on the team. When he was younger, that was his main activity, he really enjoys it, even if he’s just okay at it.

• A very, very long list of allergies: pollen, animal fur, peanuts, tree nuts, penicillin, dust and Regina’s hand cream. He doesn’t talk about any of them to Cady when they first start dating because he can’t handle being “flawed”.

• His entire time with Regina was spent being her trophy, a prize, the caricature of a perfect person, so he doesn’t know how to be anything else for a long time. If he isn’t perfect for her, a perfect boyfriend, then he is truly nothing at all.

• Post-Regina, he starts having panic attacks. He was a sort of anxious person before and during, but after Regina, he starts having panic attacks he can’t control even a little and he is so embarrassed by them because he can’t stop it. And he can’t reach out for help.

• Ms Norbury has taught him every year of high school and she’s such a comfort teacher for him; after he breaks up with Regina for the second time, he comes to class looking dazed and pale and tired, so she makes him sit down with her afterwards and talk to her about exactly what happened.

• Neurotypical but has many, many food aversions. For a while, he eats only soup and crackers because he’s so anxious and neither are too strong tasting and don’t upset his stomach.

• Speaking of soup, he and Cady frequent Olive Garden for their dates because of the free soup refills and Cady is obsessed with their breadsticks. There’s a week where they go every single day after school, no one knows why, but they do know they’re concerned for Aaron and Cady.

• Gets frequent nose bleeds and announces them with “oh. nosebleed”.

• Develops a friendship with Janis post canon because they can bond over Regina trauma. Janis teases Aaron for every single thing he does, but is also fiercely protective of him and helpful when he needs it. But she does call him a “wet cat” and “the lost puppy dog who follows Cady around” on a daily basis.

• Wears his letterman jacket so often Cady wonders if he owns any other clothes.

• He has super warm hands unless he’s anxious, then they’re freezing cold. This is how Cady knows he needs help, because he usually overheats really easily and his hands are so hot, but if they’re cold, he knows somethings wrong.

• Gets sunstroke like it’s nobody’s business. He bypasses sun burn and goes straight to heat stroke almost every single time the group go out somewhere in the summer, no matter how hard he tries to avoid it.

• Barely drinks alcohol unless he feels like there’s social pressure to do it. He doesn’t voluntarily drink very much, but at parties he likes to especially because it makes him feel “normal”. When he was dating Regina, he drank a lot more but Regina never let him drink enough he was a mess.

• Can’t drink soda because the bubbles hurt his mouth and make him so uncomfortable. He drinks the occasional coke if he’s feeling really brave.

• He frequently feels more like an object than a person. Especially when he was dating Regina - he almost had to gain her permission to feel because he couldn’t be too much, he was a side prize and she was the centre of it all. He spent a lot of his time forcibly numbing himself until he felt like a shell. So, so easily manipulated when he was like that.

• Lactose intolerant but doesn’t tell Cady because he doesn’t want to have flaws. Cady finds out after they go on a date and then they get ice cream afterwards. [Which Aaron only ever eats from a tub.]

• After a zoo date goes wrong (petting zoo + his allergies… bad), Cady suggests they go to an aquarium next time, and they both have such an amazing time. Cady buys him a little fish plush because he bought her a cat plush when they were at the zoo. Iykyk, but that’s where the ship name catfish comes from!

• Terrified of spiders, which Cady finds so confusing because she loves all animals!

[Cady, smiling: it doesn’t bite!!!

Aaron, shaking: idontcareidontcare

Cady: AWW LOOK IT MOVES!!!

Aaron, hyperventilating: pleasetakeitawayplease]

• He once broke his arm but never realised because he just assumed it was sprained and he was in a normal amount of pain. His mom didn’t listen to him so he assumed it was fine, until several weeks later, the pain is so severe he’s holding it so limply that Ms Norbury points it out and he explains it and she sends him to the nurse immediately who phones his mom and he eventually needs to get it rebroken. He’s out of sport for ages.

• Hates the sea so much, Cady has to forcibly drag him in. Does not love it when he’s in the sea either:

• Is painfully aware of his own normalcy. He’s, overall, a plot device in every iteration and therefore a plot device in his own life. He’s exactly how he’s interpreted to be and exactly what people want. He’s on the outside of every single event, until he’s brought to the middle and needed immediately. I can expand on this point at some point because I feel so strongly about analytical interpretations of Aaron that go beyond hc post.

Bonus 😭

• 2024 Aaron specifically but he hates fairground rides and anything that is too high or spins too fast. He gets dizzy so easily and I once described him as a “feeble victorian women stuck in a 17 year old boys body.”

Thank you <3 im sure I can add more to these eventually, but it’s just off the top of my head. Feel free to send thoughts / own aaron hcs too!!’

#mean girls #mean girls musical #aaron samuels

[lets-all-calm-down-a-bit]

I can't stand it anymore. I'm constantly surrounded by people who will call you "sensitive" and a "snowflake" for simply not being a dick. I get upset when someone else is being an asshole, and rather than reevaluate their actions, they fucking call me sensitive. Like I'm "sorry" I didn't find your "joke" about anorexia to my skinny friend funny. I think you should die! I'm "sorry" you think I'm sensitive for thinking you shouldn't be saying the N-WORD, R SLUR, F SLUR, AND T SLUR, as an ABLE, NEUROTYPICAL, CISHET, WHITE GIRL. I think you need to get run through with a trash compactor!

I can't stand the "anti-sensitivity" culture we've created. YOU KNOW FUCKING WHAT??? IT'S OK TO BE SENSITIVE. I'M A FUCKING HUMAN WITH EMOTIONS WHO IS ALIVE AND FEELS THINGS YOU IGNORANT DICKWAD. If you call me "too sensitive," my immediate thought is that I am 0.5 seconds away from ripping your arms off with my teeth and beating you with them. And you KNOW WHAT ELSE?? PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. THATS ALRIGHT AS LONG AS THEY LEARN FROM THEM AND ARE FUCKING RESPECTFUL.

But if you're called out for being a shithead, and respond with "snowflake," "politically correct" or "woke virus," I hope you die. Genuinely. You are the worst type of person, and I hate you with every inch of my being.

#colby rambles #long post #psa #politics #i dont even know how to tag this #like fr #ed mention #tw ed

[lefluoritesys]

We have known we're a system for over 2 years now. It's been a very long ride, and one of the most important parts of this ride was figuring out methods and ways to function as a system. There have been many mistakes we've made that we're also not the only ones making. But one of the hardest things I find to explain would be that there are no universal answers to your experiences, and there will be no universal solution. What might work for one person might not work for another. It seems obvious, but in practicality, when it comes to DID/OSDD, systems seem to forget that, and I understand why. Whether it be validation, desire to relate, or just feeling lost. So here's a little story from our IRL life that is completely unrelated to any DID/OSDD covering subject, but makes sense when you put it in the context of functional multiplicity:

We love coffee. Absolutely love coffee, specifically cappuccino. I wouldn't say we're addicts, but we drink it almost every day. However, that wasn't always the case. In about Autumn of 2021, we have discovered that when we drink our favorite coffee, it terribly and drastically affects our mood. We still have no idea what it is. If we were happy and calm before we drank coffee, it would flip our mood completely, and we'd become so anxious, we would have multiple panic attacks for no reason. And vice versa. It devastated us because it seemed to happen every single time we drank coffee. And we loved coffee, still do! The thought of cutting it out completely made us upset. There had to be some sort of explanation to what we're experiencing, but no one would give us an answer! People with ADHD drink a lot of coffee to help them calm their ADHD down, for neurotypicals, it's the opposite. Some people drink a lot of it, multiple cups a day, and somehow stay fine, some drink it before bed to sleep better... nobody could give us an answer as to what we're experiencing, and for a while, that was that.

One day, though, I (host) was going to a cafe to do a school project. The library wasn't working that day, and we desperately needed to work, so we thought a cafe with noise-canceling headphones would be alright. As I got to that cafe, stood near the baristas, I was thinking about how coffee affects me, and although I really want it, I don't want to deal with genuinely horrible consequences. So I grabbed the lowest amount available and hoped for the best... And I showed no previous symptoms. I admit, I kinda stared at it, thinking... that was the problem the whole time? We used to grab medium, and so it bit us in the ass? Apparently, yes. The problem was with the amount. So now, we are not drinking any more than a certain amount of coffee, usually grabbing the lowest amount cafes provide, and we haven’t had problems since. We feel great, even have a favorite cafe now where we became a regular, and we drink coffee every day now. Could even get multiple cups during different times of the day and still not have it affect us much!

Now apply that same logic for when you try to find ways to function and/or help your system. Our experience with coffee is not universal, but we found something that works for us. Some people chug so much caffeine, we are genuinely scared for their health. Some others don't drink it at all, which is also fine. Some drink it before bed or to manage their ADHD. And some drink it from time to time as a treat. Some like lattes, some like black coffee, and somebody else likes iced. All of those are fine. It seems like a weird parallel, and how can I compare a disorder to coffee? But I am not comparing a disorder to coffee, I am comparing the behavior towards coffee to the behavior towards your system. Just as there is no right amount or way to drink coffee, there isn't a right way to be/function as a system. Everybody's experience and feelings towards it are absolutely unique, that's what makes them special. And going after somebody for their coffee preference is weird and rude. Especially telling them what they should drink instead. Why is it suddenly not the same for systems?

For the love of Gods, do not repeat our mistakes and try to be a certain way just for other people's validation. Good people will never, ever judge you for being who you are. There's a whole world of people that are gonna look at you weird, and there's a whole world of people who aren't. Find the people who aren't! /ref

Have a good coffee/tea/juice/etc day.

-host

#did system #did #osdd #osdd system #system #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #did osdd #system stuff #system things #osdd 1a #osdd 1b #complex dissociative identity disorder #cdid system #cdid #did positivity #system positivity #osdd positivity #plural positivity #i love you systems #you are doing everything right #don't let anybody tell you otherwise #coffee #cappucino #tw panic attack #tw panic mention

[himbeereule]

hey there- as an autistic person myself, I do appreciate that it is an option, but I am concerned how it is implented; while I also feel people often don't say what they mean, my personal 'awkwardness' stems less from "I can't read their face" and moreso "I do not know what to talk about that will not make them upset with me or otherwise embarrass any of us" and so I tend to mold myself into what I think the other person wants.

(sidebar: I was trained to read faces/body language from a young age, by my dad who was definitely undiagnosed)

I also have some friends who are not autistic, but have social anxiety, and thus are awkward in conversation. I also have some friends and family who appear and identify neurotypically, who just don't grasp smalltalk or serious conversation very well.

including the autistic experience of "can't read expressions" is genuinely commendable, but in this current demo, it is equated both as 1) the Only reason someone could be uncomfortable with social situations and 2) the only option (as I have yet seen) that allows you to claim being autistic, when there are many other facets to it as well

I am not suggesting you remove it, but maybe it would be reasonable for the "awkward at social situations" option to lead to further options reading (for example) "Yes- autistic (not confident reading faces)"/ "Yes- autistic (not confident speaking)"/ "Yes- autistic (both)"/ "Yes- social anxiety"/ "Yes- other"/ "No, go back"

you do not have to publish this, nor is it intended to be read as "you should not be writing"- I am just trying to acknowledge that I kind of felt alienated by the assumption that autistic people like me wouldn't be considered autistic by the game, without sacrificing what is (to me) a very favored part of reading interactive fiction.

in reality, we can all get things wrong. but in fiction, it is nice to be able to believe we are getting it right 9/10 times- or even leaving it a little vague instead of claiming to be all-knowing.

I really like this demo overall, and simply ask that you consider more freedom for folks to see themselves in it- not even all at once, but over time.

Things I like (to try to convey my sincere enjoyment on the rest):

-Sasha telling me his dream (mothra v godzilla right?)

-Yakov/ Yasha is a delight- and very relatable at first meeting!

-incredibly cool selection of weaponry!!

-the little moment with the guard who hands us water when we are choking on bread (very sweet)

-horse customization (I never truly got into the equestrian lifestyle, but some of my earliest memories involve a family friend and her horse. I love being able to recreate him when I can<3)

-the option to be as defensive/peaceful as possible, and the way some people showed sympathy for the army (quite realistic imho)

Hey there-

first off, the autistic route is woefully underdeveloped right now. You basically only get a special set of reactions to Lavrentiy's rudeness and a meltdown after rising from the dead.

However - I won't change the direction it's in right now. The autistic experience(TM) differs for pretty much everyone, and in order to write it comprehensively, I will first continue to model it after my own.

Which means it'll roughly develop from "too clueless to be anxious" over "learning social conventions and thinking you can do it", then "realizing you're messing up all the time actually", and ends in "pretty much capable of 'normal' social interaction but too insecure/anxious due to prior experiences".

Nonverbal is already an option, autistic MC not being able to read faces is forced at the beginning (but MC will get better at it over time), and awkward is implied in the clueless phase and explicit in the last phase.

I may consider making the route more 'modular', with choosing which general symptoms you display at which phase of the game, but a) I don't know if this is really realistically doable and b) right now I definitely don't feel confident writing about autistic experiences that differ from my own.

(I'm very happy someone got the Godzilla/Mothra reference btw ^^)

#choicescript #eaglet #орлёнок #interactive fiction

[compassionatereminders]

Venting;

my bf refuses to let me say that i’m fucking sad bc i hardly have a social circle and i struggle to make friends. he always fucking rebuttals it with “well, you have me, you have [roommate friend], you have [friend], you have [lists people i don’t consider friends]” which is like fucking not the point! “quality over quantity” he says LIKE THE QUALITY ISNT MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT AND WHY I FEEL SO ALONE. i feel lonely! i can’t talk to anyone about hardly anything when it comes to my partner either because they’re all friends with each other. anytime i make a new acquaintance either my partner or my roommate become better friends with them than me.

i text and talk to people constantly to hang out and rarely get replies or invited back. these same people will spam my roommate with facetimes and hang out invites and my partner just tells me i have to “actually try” to make people treat me that way. Which feels like he’s insinuating i don’t fucking try? but when i say “hey, i feel that you’re suggesting that i don’t try— or that i’m having a pity party— when all i need is for you to be kind and empathize with my feelings, which you don’t have to do by saying i’m 100% right about i’m feeling!” then that’s immediately thrown back in my face. my partner says i’m just being “[my name]” about it, and it hurts.

most recently one of those people that i introduced my roommate too and then promptly lost as a friend despite trying to hang out with her numerous times was having a superbowl party. my bf was invited and my roommate was invited. i was not. when i expressed i was not invited, my bf argued that this friend actually HAD invited me, but i was zoned out at the time (during class!!!) and didn’t listen. i never received a text from her, i never received any more details from her, nothing. literally just my bf saying she’s invited me more than once, but NEVER DIRECTLY TO ME.

but apparently i’m fucking crazy to suggest that i didn’t feel genuinely invited and therefore didn’t want to go unless i was explicitly told by her she’d like me to be there! i texted her the night of and she said i “could come if i wanted to” but at the time of the super bowl she was out of the house with a friend. my partner and my roommate were both invited not just to her watch party but to other people’s watch parties. i was only “””invited””” to hers, and even then am i that fucking crazy for not feeling like it was a real invite?? when my whole problem is that my entire social circle is based around my bf and roommate no matter how i try to make my own friends and i don’t get invited to hang out unless i make the plan first?

it’s just so fucking upsetting that i’m this giant fucking loser and every time i get emotional about it my partner insinuates i have to stop “being [myself] about it” and “be proactive.” he’s neurotypical and i’m not and this often is a difference that’s hard for us to navigate when it comes to talking abt social shit.

but this is actually driving me so batshit upset right now and i’m venting to you because once again i literally have 0 friends that i can talk to that aren’t also friends with my boyfriend. i also do not have friends that are awesome about talking about emotions in depth, which is something that’s really important to me in a friendship. i can’t confide how i’m feeling with most of the people my bf would define for me as “friends” bc they’re not friends to me!

i can go to a friend and trust them with my baggage and change without worrying who it’s going to hurt or how they’re going to judge me for it. i can go to a friend with trivial shit and they’re still up in arms to support how i’m feeling, even if they’re also telling me i’m being irrational! i have friends in my home state (6 hours away from my college here) that are amazing at listening to me without judging me and still giving me reality checks. i don’t need or want a person who just says i’m right all the time, but i do need someone who can feel my feelings with me and actually talk about them if that makes any freaking sense.

it’s also hard bc i started college and went through some extremely traumatic experiences right off the bat which continued through my sophomore year. it led to a ton of bullying within my relatively small major. to the point that random girls came up to me at a party & asked if i was [my first & last name]” and when i said yes they laughed and walked away. to the point that i was in a group with a random girl from our major and she said “to be honest, i’m surprised how nice you are. i didn’t wanna say anything but i’ve heard a lot about you.” despite us having zero mutual friends!

i already dealt with a lot of mental health issues prior to all of this, which ended up fueling my severe social anxiety and a constant nagging fear that people already know who i am and hate me. i know it’s not true, and i’m working super hard on it. i’m a junior now and for the first time since college started i introduced myself to someone new and they’ve actually been a wonderful friend. i’ve started talking to people in class around me again. i’m trying so freaking hard to be normal again.

the tldr of it is i’m so lonely here and i’m so upset that i can’t express how i feel about social interaction and how much i miss the person i was (and i’m trying to be again) to my partner without feeling belittled. then i’m getting angry bc of the cycle and i hate being angry at him. then i try to explain what i’m trying to get out of these conversations and that i do understand not having friends is ultimately my fault, but i just wanna hear that its okay to mourn and feel weird about it all. i hate that i can’t talk to him. i hate that i don’t have my best friends here, or even close enough to see anymore. i feel like i’m a horrible person all of the time and i can’t stop fearing that i really am just a horrible bad person. i’m so stuck and yet i’m trying as hard as i can right now. i love him so much and hearing him basically say my feelings are wrong and i’m not trying hard enough hurts SO. FUCKING. BAD. but maybe i am being crazy or too stubborn, and i don’t even know.

and yes. i am therapy-shopping rn. but i just needed this off my chest bc i’ve been stewing in it for weeks and i’m so exhausted of blowing up and arguing over this dumb thing. i just need someone to hear me i guess.

thanks for reading this if you do. i really appreciate your blog & how safe it is for me. i feel less alone seeing your responses to asks/vents like this one. so thank you, truly.

No I'm with you on this one like yeah, there ARE ways to respectfully question your conclusions, but completely dismissing and invalidating your experiences and emotions is just not the way to do that. You have a right to your emotions, and even if some of your conclusions might not necessarily fit into their experience of the situation, you still have a right to your own experience, and you still deserve comfort and support from the people who are supposed to be your friends and partners. Like of course you're feeling lonely if no one is willing to take your struggles seriously enough to actually support you through them

#chat with kat #invalidation tw #paranoia tw

[philsmeatylegss]

Honestly I can’t keep quiet at this point. This generation and tiktok mostly made autism a fucking quirky trend and it makes me want to slam my head in a wall. I genuinely believe 70% of people online who claim to be autistic are not or either are confusing it with another disorder (on tiktok it’s 95% I’m not remotely exaggerating). iT’s A sPeCtRuM NO SHIT DUMBASS. I fucking grew up with an autistic sibling and I was constantly in other places with autistic kids who were higher and lower on the fucking spectrum. But none of them act remotely like the fuckers on #actuallyautistic on fucking TikTok. Controversial opinion I completely stand behind is that self diagnosis isn’t reliable expect for a few conditions. By that, I mean conditions that have clear cut symptoms. You’re always anxious about everything, you probably do have anxiety. But when it comes to Autism, that’s such a fucking complex disorder that even a lot of doctors don’t fully understand. 100% agree that many women, POC, and those who grew up poor couldn’t get a diagnosis and got it later in life. As I said, I was constantly around autistic kids and most were white men. It’s an absolute mockery and disgrace to those online and in real life who actually suffer with Autism. Including people on the high end of the spectrum! Most of these people say they’re autistic and then list the symptoms of anxiety. It’s not a fucking quirky trait or an excuse. It’s not fucking trendy.

And I can’t say anything like this on platforms like tiktok or id be ripped to shreds. People who have little to no real life experiences or knowledge about Autism attacking someone who was always so close to autism that it fucked me up (I know it’s not my sibling’s fault before you yell at me). I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired

Very recently the term “glass child” came out which describes siblings of a child with a physical and or mental disability and or a chronic/life threatening illness. The term comes from the fact that a constant feature of being a glass child is being seen through, forgotten, our voices ignored. And when we, people who have had close years of interactions with these disorders try to explain to you why you might be wrong and you just fucking shut them down, you’re just as bad as the people who ignored me when I was growing up.

It happens on here to. Definitely not as often and definitely not as obvious. But I fucking hate that it’s become a fucking trend on here. Yes, I know it’s a way for those with autism to cope, but a lot of people reblogging it are neurotypical. I’m glad it’s a way to cope, but autism isn’t a fucking funny punchline. It is half of the reason I’m fucked up (once again, I don’t blame my sibling).

Remember in 2020 on mostly tiktok and other face showing platforms being LGBTQ+ was a trend and now people say “I’m glad I’m over that phase?” The same fucking thing is happening now with autism. And what’s worse is that it undermines the credibility of those who are actually suffering with autism. I can promise you in the next few years, there will be tons of posts like “remember when I thought I was autistic? Lol worst period of my life, so cringe.” And then it’ll fall back into obscurity once it stops being a trend and when people forget about pretending to be autistic and no one will give a fuck. It happened with fangirl culture. With being LGBTQ+. Only this is more important and not a fucking trend

Idk if I’ll get hate for this or delete it, but I can’t handle it anymore. This really mostly applies to tiktok, but this happens on every single platform. And it genuinely upsets me and I can’t even point out this problem. For fucking once in my life, LISTEN TO ME. I’ve been there. I was there the whole fucking time. I spent my entire childhood dealing with autism and severe mental illness from my parents. I went to so many doctors with him. I couldn’t chose where I wanted my birthday or celebrations about me because it wouldn’t be good for my sibling. Pictures, lines, family trip were filled with screaming. Leaving events early because my sibling couldn’t handle it. Sitting and waiting for him to stop having a tantrum in my room and having fucking no one ask if I was okay. Having none of my emotional needs met do to Autism and other present mental illnesses from my parents. I KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS LIKE. I SPENT EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE I WAS BORN TILL I WAS 18 RIGHT NEXT TO AUTISM. I DIDN’T GET A BREAK. I WON’T BE ABLE TO LAUGH IN A FEW YEARS BECAUSE I CLAIMED TO BE AUTISTIC. I’M NOT SURE MY BROTHER WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE ON HIS OWN AND HE’L HAVE TO FUCKING LIVE WITH ME. THAT’S THE FUCKING REALITY. THAT’S WHAT AUTISM IS. IT’S NOT BEING AWKWARD AND SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY OBJECTS OR SOUNDS. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE I WAS THERE. I HAVE 18 FUCKING YEARS OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT AUTISM IS. I’VE BEEN AROUND MANY OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHEN MY BROTHER NEEDED SERVICES FROM AUTISTIC ONLY PLACES. I COULDN’T FUCKING YAWN FOR YEARS WITHOUT BEING SCREAMED AT. FUCKING YAWNING. AND THEN I WAS ASKED TO STOP YAWNING! THAT IS AUTISM.

My mom works with teens and young adults who are close to the bottom of the spectrum. These children will never be able to have a life. A lot of them don’t talk. Or they only scream or say random words. Some do repetitive actions, often ones that cause injuries. Bigger male student have to be restrained by two or three men because they will not stop hitting themself of breaking property and are unable to stop. That’s what it’s like. At most, Walmart has a program for special needs adults to be baggers. Once they graduate, they live with their parents and then their siblings. Or they go to care home that specializes in autism. We’re fortunate that if it were to come to that case, we would be able to afford a nice one. But most parents or siblings of autistic children don’t have the money to send them to caring facilities. That’s the reality. That’s what you’re claiming to have the same diagnosis as (I KNOW ITS A SPECTRUM). I pity the real autistic people and glass children on platforms on tiktok or really any platform that are having the severity of their illness become a fucking trend.

I’ll probably delete this. But I’m just so fucking upset about it and I’m not fucking allowed to point it out. I wasn’t listened to my entire childhood because of a condition you’re claiming to have. Just for fucking once listen to me

#rae’s rambles #delete later #glass child

[bubbelpop2]

Making my own post because someone disagreed with me and blocked me (which is fine)

I'm an intersex, autistic, queer leftist commie that was determined female at birth. (I hate that term but it's what I was labeled as) And I feel too afraid of women and men to show my pain in public sometimes. I feel compelled to perform masculinity in a certain way in front of people who believe men shouldn't cry or have problems that they can't solve. I have internal misandry.

And I've also experienced misandry from terfs, and from conservative clowns. I believe that men's issues under the patriarchy need to be taken seriously. I think we need to listen to men. We need to listen to trans men, cis men, intersex men, we need to listen to male leaning nonbinaries, other nonbinaries, and we need to listen to trans women who are considered men by transphobes and conservative clowns. We need to listen to trans women who grew up being so negatively affected by the patriarchy and so emotionally damaged by it, in so many ways.

And we deserve terminology for It. Misandry. Trans-Misogyny. Trans-androphobia. Men's rights. Trans rights. Women's rights. Feminism.

All of these terms have been used by stupid people for stupid things. Including feminism being used by terfs. Feminism needs to include trans women, and trans men, and cis men, and people of all genders. It should be about equality. The fact that it's called feminism doesn't mean that it's not about equality. I'm clearly not an uneducated conservative Christian 4chan loser just because I believe the term "misandry" has a real place. Misandry is a real thing. It hurts men. And it hurts me, and I'm a man. I deserve the ability to talk about the ways the patriarchy hurts me without others thinking I'm complaining about women getting treated equally. Because I'm not. My use of the term isn't about women. Anybody of any gender is capable of misandry, and perpetuating the issues of toxic masculinity under patriarchy.

I need to be able to talk about my experiences that hurt me. And so do other men of all kinds. And also people who aren't men who have experienced misandry. It's not about complaining that women get special treatment for their emotions. It's not about complaining that women are sensitive. It's about talking about how most men are expected by everyone, including themselves, to keep their mental health issues In-between them and their gun. They're not taught to articulate feelings. Literal actual children, four year olds that are crying, are punished for expressing upset emotions because they're boys. They're punished in school, by their peers and their teachers, for having upset or sad or angry emotions. They're not taught to breathe and cope and seek help for regulation.

These are real, actual, genuine issues that I try to help other men unravel and heal from. And I deserve to be able to talk about it in a way that's not just "toxic masculinity" because that implies that this phenomena is only perpetuated by toxic men. Which simply isn't true. Even the healthiest neurotypical mother is capable of it. She's capable of punishing a boy, a child, for crying. She's capable of demeaning him for having emotional issues. Capable of downplaying him, telling him to "just deal with it", and she's also very very capable of ignoring her husband's boundaries. Ignoring his comfort. Ignoring his emotional needs, and reducing his emotional needs down to sex and food and television. Which is disgusting.

I deserve to be able to use the term misandry without people thinking I'm a fourchan loser incel that hates women. I don't. I have a fear of them, because I've been abused by them. Both at home, in school, and at work. I've been made extremely uncomfortable by them, too. By this one girl my age who was really pushy when she was flirting with me, and made me feel unsafe enough that I needed to say "I have a girlfriend" (i did not)

#shut up bubbz #terfs dni #conservatives dni

[takeyourcyanide]

Despite my struggle to envision my future, there is one thing I know for sure. If I don’t allow them to beat me into submission, I’m not going to live. I don’t mean that in the suicidal sense, I mean I have spent my life helplessly observing as the static becomes all that I can hear, I lose the ability to scramble together a proper paragraph, the lines all blur together to the point I forget what a line was ever like, etc. It is a simultaneously slow and fast, agonizing, depressing death, as you watch as whatever semblance of cognition, any semblance of what would traditionally be referred to as “sanity” slips from your fingers before you can even hope to catch it. You desperately reach and reach for something, though you could never tell what it was that you were longing for. A constant balancing act, though as you mature and worsen, suddenly you can only lean on one particular side. It is the most brutalizing, humbling, upsetting experience that once could ever experience. It’s as thought you’re in a play, as though you’re a written character and puppet for the author to toy with and subject you to a fate from which you cannot escape. Perhaps that’s what is actually happening and I’ve become aware of it. There is genuinely no torture worse than this. I don’t care what you do to me; you could rip each and every one of fingernails off, waterboard me, etc. - but those are all temporary pains. This is eternal. Physical torture, which I, of course, wouldn’t want to ever happen to me, can never compare with what a hell this is. You cannot hurt an individual who is slowly devouring themselves alive, leaving not a crumb left behind for the other vultures to consume.

Should I allow them to beat me? But I do not even know how to begin with vulnerability. I can’t. I fear nothing except for losing all control. And I will never admit to that again, as it will be used against me, I’m sure of it. I’ve never really experienced fear, I don’t think - except for one time. Perhaps I’ll discuss that at some point. How could I ever let someone get so close? I’ve never been vulnerable before. Not even as a toddler.

I don’t want their drugs. I don’t want their scrutiny and biases which they masquerade as being “care.” You cannot trust the Dr. Status Quos. And I don’t want anyone to see me. The utter trepidation of such a prospect leads to a schizopathic meltdown and further spiraling. I cannot be. From psychiatric hospitals, to watchlists, to prison cells. I simply cannot.

Should I sacrifice what life I never had for the sake of comfort? Or would that make me hypocritical? Would that make me just like the cowards I always criticize?

I was set up to fail, though I never truly had a mind to lose in the first place.

I would like particularly judgmental neurotypicals to experience what it is like to be an incredibly young child and realize all of this, experience all of this, and be forced to try and adapt to a society obviously not built for them.

#takeyourcyanide #takeyourcyanide’s ramblings

[adam-raki]

I wanna have a quick rant about Adam (2009). Yes, there is a TL;DR at the end.

Now, I love this movie. It means a lot to me. It's probably very obvious due to the way that I've dedicated my whole account to it. Still, I think people tend to fundamentally misunderstand this movie - and I wanna talk about it.

Let me first say that it isn't perfect. A better movie would have, for example, employed an autistic actor (despite how much I adore Hugh Dancy's performance) and made various other changes that I will not be bothered to list. Is it a perfect representation of autism? No. But, is there a better representation out there? Personally, I don't think so. It's hard to define what 'good representation' is.

I've actually heard this reviewed as a 'bad' or even the 'worst' autism movie ever, which I think is an unworthy assessment.

A lot of criticism of this movie boils down to people just not relating to Adam's personal experience as an autistic adult - and that's fine. Having autism is such a diverse experience, and I can understand the frustration of the representation being almost exclusively cishet white men who like STEM (trust me, it infuriates me too). Still, some autistic people ARE like Adam, and that's also fine. Some of us don't find his character exaggerated at all (like me, who found the shot of his multiple boxes on cereal in the cupboard painfully relatable). A more varied set of autistic characters need to be seen in cinema... including ones like this.

But, the reason why I have a problem with this movie is also why I love it so much; it's uncomfortable. I haven't re-watched it in so long because it genuinely makes me upset. It's uncomfortable to watch Adam mistaken as a predator and watch the miscommunication between him and Beth (per the "were you excited?" scene and the fakeout where you think he's pestering her for sex, but he just wants to practice for his interview). It's uncomfortable to watch him continually shut down by the people around him. It's uncomfortable to watch him misunderstood, mistreated, and left on his own when his partner couldn't be bothered to understand him. It's raw and a little bit ugly.

Was this what the movie makers were going for? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it really was meant to be a 'pity the autistic' movie for neurotypicals, but I think that would be reducing it to something that it isn't. Yes some of the scenes are jarring to watch. It's less so romantic and comedic than it is awkward and kind of heartbreaking. But maybe that's the point.

Adam 2009 is very much a product of its time. I mean, it's roughly 15 years old now so I wouldn't have expected much. Yet still, it manages to be nuanced, showing the flaws in both sides of Adam's and Beth's relationship and how it ultimately doesn't work out (literally, almost exclusively because of Beth, not Adam).

I'm not telling you if you should or shouldn't like this movie. I happen to really dislike a lot of movies that are praised by viewers and critics. I don't even particuarly find this movie to be all that impressive in the narrative sense - but it hits hard. At least to me, it's the most authetic experience of my own struggles as someone on the spectrum. I hate how accurate it is, and I hate how much I see of myself in Adam sometimes. It's difficult to watch. And I love it.

TL;DR for this - Adam 2009 is flawed as a movie, but many of its facets are misinterpreted as bad representation unduly. I think it's supposed to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some of us on the spectrum relate to that and good representation can't possibly cover every single autistic experience.

Anyway - if anyone has thoughts on this, I would love to hear them! You don't have to agree with me. Just be nice (or I'll be upset).

#adam 2009 #adam raki #rant

[callmearcturus]

i am sick as fucking hell today so here's my ranking of S-Links so far

caveats: Aigis STILL hasn't fucking unlocked, i'm only halfway thru mitsuru's, and one-third thru yukari's.

Best to Worst:

The Magician, Junpei: I am still flabbergasted at how fucking good his arc is. The fact that in the penultimate slink scene he recognizes the specific way he's been disrespectful to you and meaningfully apologizes for it is not remotely what I expected out of him. Also I somehow got spoiled very early that he wasn't a romance option, and (I can't believe I'm making this comparison) just like Dorian in Dragon Age: Inquisition, it made it feel fun and safe to play-flirt and joke with him, safe in the knowledge it wouldn't go awry. Junpei is my fucking bro, my ride or die.

The Star, Akihiko: Predictable since I am currently evaluating his entire romance against my other favorite romances in video games (I don't think he beats Garrus and The Transistor, but he's top five). Slowly unraveling this boy is delightful, and honestly the way he turns as you get to know him better is very marked and obvious. He goes from relying on his one hyperfixation to communicate, to opening up and sometimes being genuinely so fucking smooth and romantic, it threw me for a loop. Least neurotypical person in the cast.

The Hermit, Saori: From the moment she said a Bad Word I was in love. I like how... careful you have to be with her, how she is very aware of her faults, of the fact she's a doormat, and the reasons she has become that way. Saying goodbye to her was genuinely very fucking sad and I miss her. Would dump Akihiko for her if I could. (Tho even more I want them to meet, could you IMAGINE.)

The Priestess, Fuuka: I love this girl so fucking much. The steel core of her underneath of the self-doubt is wonderful to see. Also the specific way she sucks at cooking and almost locks up from the failure tracks as very real. It does suck to rope someone else into helping you with something and then seeing how good that person is at the thing. Also her slink is so close to a romance, I'm mad about it. LEMME DATE HER.

The Moon, Shinjiro: Ah, the urge to help people vs the urge to be a bitch. Who can't relate to that. Especially given the inevitable end of his arc, the specific way Shinjiro is trying to keep people from relying on him or expecting anything from him... hitting facefirst into the wall of how goddamn fucking reliable he is, it's great. Glad I maxed this one out.

The Tower, Mutatsu: I really like that you're basically therapizing this old monk just by.... being a mirror to reflect his questions back at him. You do very little to help him honestly, you just exist nearby and thus inspire him to challenge himself and better himself. He just needed someone to talk to! Also its funny to imagine FemPC just hanging out in his booth for a few weeks. What a duo.

The Sun, Akinari: Did NOT like this one at first, but wow the actual final thought of it, the idea that.... death is inevitable, and you will never know your purpose, and you will never see your purpose, but you do have purpose. That was surprisingly affecting. Also WAS HE A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME? WHAT WAS WITH THAT? Wacky.

The Chariot, Rio: Oh Rio, I wish I could rank you higher, girl. I really like Rio and think she's actually an incredible example of the Chariot, but in the way I enjoyed being careful with Saori, there were times I wanted to smack Rio upside the head. Because she's making progress, she's getting there, but it's almost entirely without you. You're there to support her and that's great but you cannot fucking challenge her at all ever or she'll get upset. Just frustrating.

The Devil, Tanaka: This one was so fucking weird but enjoyable? But there's no depth here. It's just weird and fun!

Strength, Koromaru: I'm not a dog person but this is a good dog. Also while I didn't vibe with the plot around Koromaru, the way he incited conversation with other characters was great.

Justice, Ken: I'm about... 4 or 5 into this one? And the point seems to be "ah, the trauma of growing up too fast." Which yep. That's a thing. Wish this slink wasn't like pulling teeth.

The Emperor, Hidetoshi: I'm bored to tears and I'm never gonna finish this one. Hidetoshi is a tool, I'm not interested.

The Hierophant, the Old Couple: this one is straight up poorly written. It's just so fucking poorly written I don't know if something went seriously awry in localization or if it was just that bad. I maxed it out and I regret it.

The Hanged Man, Maiko: HEY YO WHAT WAS UP WITH HER DAD HITTING HER AND THE "BEST" OPTION BEING "That's mean!" OH BITCH IS IT MEAN TO HIT A CHILD? OH DANG I HAD NO IDEA.

Temperance, Bebe: The degree to which I failed out of this slink cannot be overstated. When Bebe calls me, I turn him down every time even if I have NOTHING else to do that day. This slink feels offensive to like five different groups of people. Nope. Not doing it. Bye.

I thiiiiiiink that's all the ones I have an opinion on. /jazzhands

Say What About:

Yukari: I bounced off her early because she gave me huge Best Friend Who Quietly Hates You vibes. She gets great development in the main story tho so I'm working on hers.

Aigis: Hasn't unlocked.

Mitsuru: IT TOOK ME UNTIL FUCKING, WHAT, NOVEMBER TO GRIND ACADEMICS? OH MY GODDDDD the stat threshold for her is literally just to fucking high.

Ryoji: Gave me the creeps so I fully skipped everything after the mandatory unlock!!!! Don't like him!

#persona liveblog

[willgrahamismybabygirl]

I literally never post vent stuff on here but transgenderism is giving me a hard time so don’t mind me screaming into the void a bit here

But like genuinely it is so hard to be closeted as a trans person, like I’m not going to be disowned or anything if I do come out but I live with my parents right now and I haven’t been able to transition for a lot of different reasons but it’s so weird and sad and scary to know that when I do decide to do it that my parents are going to be really upset. I know exactly what my Dad is going to say and it’s not going to be nice, just knowing that being myself comes along with knowing I’m the butt of a joke from the people that matter to me so much is so hurtful and upsetting and like how do you even cope with that?? My dad gets so upset when even just i dress masculine/have short hair. AND I live in an extremely progressive area!! And like as someone who finds it extremely difficult to make friends/ people do not find me attractive, the few people I’ve dated in my life have mostly liked me because I provided something to them. People really rarely actually like ME which sucks! Cause I think I’m kind of a people pleaser!! Like literally what else do I have to do for people to like me?? Am I just unlovable at this point?? And at least when I’m super femme i think I’m pretty attractive, I love playing with feminine stuff but I wish people didn’t see me like that, and I do deal with a lot of self image issues so feeling like I’m barely scraping by as a girl makes it SO difficult to ever picture myself being attractive as a man. Life is so scary and it’s so hard not to just wish I was “normal” I’m so many ways. If I was neurotypical, weighed less, cis, straight. But the weirdest part is I don’t think those things about other people, I don’t bat an eye if anyone is these things, those are all normal things to be!! But for some reason I just can’t extend that to myself. I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s so easy to just say “love yourself”. But like. How???

Anyway, that’s a lot, I say “like” too much, and I’ll probably figure it out at some point.

#vent post #transgender

[mars-ipan]

Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

#ask #ghost #marzirants #i am sick of being told i’m normal and then getting yelled at for being myself #if anyone is an ass on this post and doesn’t consider the context or nuance within i will kill :) #anywho thx ghost. that one’s been simmering for a but #a bit* whoopsies #once before i got dxed i was trying out a new therapist #and after an in-depth explanation of my fear around driving and the built up shame i had from still just having my permit #she told me to ‘just get in the car and drive’ #girl do you think i didn’t try that. my whole issue is that i can’t ‘just’ do it i was hoping we could work on the THREE MENTAL BLOCKS there #anyways i never went back to her. i still seethe a bit when i think abt it #anywho. sick and tired of being denied help and then chastised when i survive anyways #like yeah i’m alive. be a lot FUCKING better if you just gave me a hand though #but noooo because i’m not falling apart in front of you clearly i’m dramatic #tbf i have an incredibly high pain tolerance and have been an expert masker since i was a child #but still. not all disability is visible asshat. am i supposed to be able to function on my own or not why is there no right answer #anywho i’ve always felt a lot of connection to those with chronic fatigue #probs bc we both have deal with ‘it’s not that big a deal’ or ‘you’re being lazy/sensitive’ or ‘just suck it up’ #not to mention constant anxiety is EXHAUSTING. fight-or-flight takes up so much energy dude