#my brain is just so fucked up? and the one therapist i was actually honest with dumped me bc i was too complicated???

[krispiecake]

i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.

#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo #i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now #theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant #and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking #and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO #like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time #if they arent actively with another tenant #its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol #all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again #and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in #and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that #i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today #and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else #or not even just sat around talking or whatever #idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn #and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up #and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit #and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again #idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound #and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again #i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO #cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking #or masking #AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK

[placeinthisworld]

.

#bro i know it sounds silly but i feel so fucking stupid for still struggling w my mh the way that i do #like it’s so embarrassing i’m literally bullying myself in my brain to the point of wanting to relapse and for what reason? #my brain is just so fucked up? and the one therapist i was actually honest with dumped me bc i was too complicated??? #like i swear to goooood it’s just easier to *** but like how do you get over that feeling of just not being good enough or stable enough #or smart enough or nice enough #genuinely not sure if it’s the stress or anxiety or if i’m really just not good enough for this #i can’t tell if i’m being dramatic or if it’s my bpd making me upset or if how i feel is justified and i literally have nobody to tell me #just a rant bc i’m so fucking sad i could do something bad about it but im consciously not does that mean anything?

[strangersteddierthings]

Bad News First, Eddie

Part One 🦇 Part Two🦇Part Three🦇FInal Part

Whew! I don’t think I’ve written this much in such a short amount of time ever in my life. The boys deserve a soft ending, I think. Enjoy!

-

It goes like this. While Eddie's been lost in his own mind, his body was living. Sort of.

Top secret government assisted living, kinda living. For a secret government hospital one would think the place would be fancier or something but it's just a regular looking hospital.

Eddie's in therapy, both for his body and mind.

He learns that the voice he heard when Eleven helped pull him from the depths of his mind was Mike Wheeler of all people, and he sounds different because he's nineteen and in college. Mike mocks him on graduating before Eddie. He regrets it when Eddie gets him into a headlock.

-

He gets to meet Eleven, outside of his mind. And he starts calling her El. Part of him can't stop thinking about Eleven as the entity he thought was going to lead him to the great beyond.

She is just a person. Sorta.

Dustin had told him there was a girl with superpowers and Eddie is glad she's real. Not that he thought Dustin would lie about this (actually, he might have thought Dustin was lying just to give him some weird version of a pep talk. Everything said before going through Watergate was suspect if he's honest).

-

When he's finally well enough to be able to leave, Doctor Owens tells him their plan.

They're gonna convince Wayne to fly to Tennessee. Eddie, El, and Mike Wheeler are gonna be flown there, too. There's a place for them to stay, to meet up with his uncle in private.

They'll stay there a month. Doctor Owens knows a doctor who can do Eddie's final evaluations before he can really go home.

That's the real kicker.

Hawkins fucking sucks. Small town, narrow views, non-conformity gets you called a Freak in the same way his Dad used to call him a fag. Like he said, fucking sucks.

But it's also the sanctuary he escaped to when he was eleven years old. It's the place where his uncle built a home for him.

So, back to Hawkins first. He can always go somewhere else later. Maybe a coastal city. See the ocean.

-

Eddie hasn't been afraid of a reaction from his uncle since that day in the hospital parking lot after he caught Eddie making out with another guy. He's got that same fear inside now, though, knowing that when El opens that door, he'll see the family he feels like he abandoned. It's not fair to himself to think that, his therapist would say, but he's allowed to have crazy thoughts right now. He's come back from being (not)dead and gets to see Wayne again for the first time. Knowing his feelings are justified doesn't make them fade, though, so he's not surprised his voice shakes when the door finally opens. “Hey Uncle Wayne.”

Wayne takes less than two seconds to reach Eddie, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. “I love you so much, you little bastard. Don’t you ever, ever do this to me again.”

It's all Eddie can do to remain upright and hug him back, clinging to his shirt like he's eleven years old again.

-

Wayne gives him an overview of what he's missed after the Upside Down came into their world (he heard that part from El and Mike, against the better wishes of Doctor Owens). Learns that Wayne and Steve live in Steve's childhood home because his parents just gifted it to him, apparently. That Wayne is only part time at the plant now due to an accident he had, and how that sparked his current living conditions.

Learns that Steve and Wayne became close because, unbelievably, Steve Harrington goes to his grave in the cemetery and cleans off graffiti on the regular.

Eddie feels a little hot under the collar because his brain reminds him of a fact he’d heard once; that the author of Frankenstein lost her virginity on her mother’s grave and a little voice in the back of his head whispers that it'd be hot for him to do the same thing with Steve on his own grave.

He has to scamper to the bathroom to scold himself in the mirror because he cannot be having these kinds of thoughts about Steve while talking to his uncle!

-

Wayne asks him, the night before their flight, “what’s something you want to do, once everything is settled and life starts to feel normal again?”

“I wanna go on a vacation. Like, a real, bona fide, family vacation.”

“Where you wanna go?”

“Think I’d like to see the ocean.”

Wayne smiles softly. “Alright. When you feel ready for it, we’ll go.”

-

“Just give him a chance, Eddie,” Wayne says randomly, as they wait to board their flight to Indianapolis.

“Give him a chance? As if I’d waste it,” Eddie feels breathless at just the thought. It's certainly not helping that stupid crush he's been harboring for years, knowing how Steve’s been treating his uncle. It was one thing to watch Steve defend Jeff that one time in high school; it's an entirely different ball game knowing he's watched over his uncle with care and devotion for years. “He took care of you when I couldn’t. He cares. I don’t think there’s a chance I wouldn’t give him.”

“How long have you had a thing for Steve?”

Eddie's brain screeches to a halt because he was didn't think anything he'd just said would give him away. He can't even think of a reply good enough to throw his uncle off his trail. “That’s not- why would you think- when have I ever!?”

“You think I wouldn’t know this about you?” Wayne chuckles.

No. No, Eddie thinks, of course you could take one look at me and know. His uncle had been able to know everything about him so effortlessly. But Eddie doesn't have to answer, so he won't. “So, we’ll be living with Steve Harrington? Will he… be okay with me being there?”

“Yeah. Steve and I had each other when we needed it. Now I need you, so Steve won’t mind at all," Wayne sounds so sure, so convinced, that Eddie is too.

Eddie smiles, pulling a strand of his hair to hide his face behind as he imagines getting to eat at the same dinner table as Steve fucking Harrington. He doesn't even mind that Wayne gives him a look at says 'you are being so obvious right now' because he is. He knows he is. He's allowed to be. Wayne's not going to mock him for his crush.

-

On the drive from Indianapolis to Hawkins, Wayne tells him the lie he told Steve. Apparently, Steve thinks Eddie's dad is coming to stay for a while. The mere thought of that sets Eddie on edge, even though he knows Wyatt Munson's still in prison. Will be for a long time, with the list of shit they got him for.

They roll into Hawkins shortly after, and while Eddie may have not been in Hawkins the last five years, and he's willing to admit that things might have changed things up since they did have to rebuild a lot of the town, he's certain that Steve's house is on the other side of it. “This isn’t the way to the Harrington house."

“Steve won’t be there. He comes here when he’s overwhelmed," Wayne says. It's still pretty jarring to hear Wayne talk about Steve like this. Like he knows him. Which, he does, obviously, because they've gotten to know each other.

Still mind blowing to think about.

“The cemetery?” is what comes out of his mouth, though.

Wayne knows what's he's really meaning to ask, though, because he shrugs and says, “we both come talk to you. Steve always starts with the bad news, you know. I think you should start with good news. Just this once." The car is slowing down, and Wayne is pointing out the front windshield, to a figure crouched down near a lone headstone. "Ah. See, there he is.”

Steve. He's too far away for Eddie to be sure sure but if anyone is still wearing bright polo shirts tucked into light wash jeans this far after leaving high school, it'd be Steve Harrington. Eddie's not even sure the car is fully stopped when he all but falls out of it.

He doesn't run to greet Steve, because that's a bit dramatic, but he's not too proud to admit he might be power walking. He slows down when he gets closer, coming to a full stop just close enough to hear Steve talking to his grave. Talking to him.

"Bad news, Eds. I'm too much of a coward to meet your old man. Afraid of what he'll sound like. Because I want him to sound like you so fucking bad it hurts. So instead of being home, I'm hiding here."

"Well, I've some bad news for you, too, Stevie. I got my voice from my mom," Eddie says, and almost instantly cringes because Wayne literally just told him to start with good news and he didn't. Eddie doesn't have much time to soak in his embarrassment, though, because Steve whips around so fast that Eddie's dizzy from the movement.

Steve looks older but it's in the way people who have seen more than their fair share of Hell look older, and less about actual aging. His eyes are wide and stunned. Eddie watches as his jaw moves but no words come out. He looks like he's seen a ghost which... ok, that's fair.

"Umm," Eddie says, a little worried he's broken him when Steve doesn't even seem to be blinking as he stares at Eddie. "Good news, Steve. I, uh, I lived. Kinda. El kinda pulled me back to the surface of my mind, or whatever, and Owens did a good job at patchin' up the goods here," he gestures to his whole body with a sweeping motion of his hand and wishes that a gate to the Upside Down would open beneath his feet and suck him back to Hell because could he be any more embarrassing?

"A-are you," he watches as Steve swallows and takes a deep breath. He's still not sure Steve has blinked yet. "real?"

"Yeah," Eddie nods, taking a few steps closer, "yeah, I'm real. I'm here and alive and real."

Steve launches himself forward then, meeting him halfway. It's so goddamn surreal be witness to how tenderly Steve actually reaches out to him, though, such a contrast to the flurry of movement he'd been just a second ago. Eddie stays still as Steve lifts shaking hands to cup his face with, pushing against his cheeks as if to test whether or not Eddie is solid. Those hands slide down, along his neck, across his shoulders, down his arms where Steve seems to need to pause and collect himself again, hands wrapped loosely around his arms just below his elbows while Steve shuts his eyes and a low, broken sound pulls itself from his throat before his eyes open again, wet with tears, and he releases Eddie just long enough to throw his arms around his neck and pull him into a hug almost as crushing as the one he shared with his uncle.

It's overwhelming in this moment. To see how much he means to Steve and not fully understand how he came to mean anything to him at all.

Doesn't stop him from wrapping his own arms around Steve's waist, though.

-

It goes like this.

He gets his own room at Harrington's house. Wayne has his own room, too. How strange it is, to not have his uncle sleeping the day away on the couch because the trailer had one room and he'd given it to Eddie.

They adjust to living together so seamlessly. Like they were always meant to be family.

They have dinner together. Real homecooked meals. Which isn't a novelty for Wayne and Steve anymore, but Eddie's memory ends five years ago, when his dinners consisted of microwavable meals or left over snacks from lunch. Wayne cooks on the days when Steve works, and Eddie helps. Gets to be taught how to cook.

For a while, Eddie is afraid to leave the house. Even knowing that Jason Carver bit the dust the same day he was supposed to also doesn’t help. He only goes places with Wayne and Steve, and even then, the double takes people send his way are enough to make him want to shrink into himself.

However, no one says anything to him. He's vaguely aware that everyone here lived through some sort of miniature apocalypse and maybe that's the kind of thing that has to happen to make a small town in Indiana change.

-

He and Steve dance around each other. He can feel it. There is something here, between them, that neither fully acknowledges.

He tries to talk to Wayne about it, but he won't give him much to go on.

"I won't be the one to say anything about what Steve thinks of you. That's gotta come from Steve. I will say this. He's waiting for you to bring it up first."

"Why does it have to be me?"

"He's had five years to gather his thoughts and emotions," Wayne levels him with a Look, "you gotta have the time to figure yourself out, too."

Well, fuck.

-

Steve waits until it's almost summer break for the kids (they’re not really kids anymore, though, but Eddie’s adjusting to that still) to ask if he's ready to face them. "It'll be a lot to handle," Steve says as he sits next to Eddie on their couch (their couch. He can't believe that's a truth in his life right now). "Eleven and Mike haven't told anyone yet, but they want to. It wasn't just Wayne and I that grieved for you."

"I know," Eddie says, "I know. I'm good. I'm alive and here and I want them to know about it."

Steve nods slowly, not fully focused on Eddie. Eddie's come to know that means he's thinking, so Eddie waits for him to speak. "Would you prefer to meet with everyone... one at a time?"

"What's the other option?"

"Well, I always host a barbeque when they all come back. Could tell everyone all at once. Like ripping off a Band-Aid."

Eddie crooks a smile because he's a bit mischievous and his mind instantly plays a scene where he walks into a backyard full of all the people he's come to care for, and who care for him, and he's trying to best to be casual about it in this fantasy. "Yeah. Let's do the barbeque thing."

-

"Bad news, Stevie," Eddie whispers as he leans against the wall next his closed door, trying not to hyperventilate. "I don't know if I can do this."

Steve reaches out and takes one of Eddie's hands in his own, linking their fingers like it's a casual thing they do all the time when it's most certainly not. "Good news, Eds. You don't have to. We didn't tell anyone you're here. You can stay in your room until they're gone, and we'll figure out another way to tell them."

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut and thinks he might be crushing all the bones in Steve's hand with how hard he's clenching it. "What if they're mad at me?"

Steve understands the real question Eddie is asking, the one he doesn't know how to phrase. "You were dead, Eds, and no one out in that yard is going to be 'mad' about any time they'd spent grieving over you. There's gonna be a lot of tears, man, like a lot. Maybe even some shouting. None of it done in anger."

"How're you sure?"

Steve lifts his unoccupied hand and cups Eddie's check. Steve’s eyes are watery and his voice is a bit choked, but he says, "because I was there. I saw them through their grief. Everyone in the backyard either loves you already, or they will."

It's so fucking intimate, how close they are, how tenderly Steve touches him. Wayne had said he'd need to take the first step, so he blames Wayne when he blurts out, "what about everyone in this room? They love me, too?"

Steve's eyes go wide in surprise before his whole face lights up in a way Eddie has never seen before. It makes Steve look younger, less haunted, and then Steve whispers, "of course I love you," like there is no other answer Steve could have given.

Eddie grabs a handful as Steve's polo shirt and pulls him close enough to kiss.

Butterflies and fireworks erupt within Eddie. Kissing Steve is so much better than he's ever let himself imagine. They're still holding hands and Steve's still got his other hand resting so softly on his cheek and Steve's lips are kinda chapped but fuck does the briefest touch of their lips together make Eddie lose all his breath.

It's not deep, or all consuming. There's not even an exchange of tongue. Steve kisses him softly, gently, pulls back to pepper little kisses all over Eddie's face that has him blushing more than he's ever done in his life, and Steve places one, two, three more kisses to his lips before pulling back to look at Eddie like he's the answer to every prayer Steve's ever had. It makes his knees weak.

"I think," Eddie pauses to lick his lips, "I think I'll be brave enough to do it if you're holding my hand."

"Just try and pry yourself away, Munson," Steve teases. "Whenever you're ready."

-

Steve was right about the tears and shouting. He was also right that no one is mad at him.

Dustin hugs him so hard they fall over in the yard and Eddie finds himself part of a dog pile that starts with crying that turns into laughter that leads back into crying, everyone grabbing at him and him grabbing back.

It's emotional. It's overwhelming. It's the best fucking day of Eddie Munson's life.

-

Doctor Owens reaches out towards the end of summer to let him know they're issuing him a new social security card. Eddie asks if he's allowed to change him name. Owens says yes.

-

"Bad news first, Eddie," Eddie says to himself as he kneels in front of his own headstone. "You've become so boring and normal, no one vandalizes your grave anymore. Good news, though. Means I can do it myself."

Before him is his headstone, a thick red line painted through his death date. Another more carefully applied line is struck through his middle name. Above it he's painted in block letters 'Wayne'.

"Eddie, come on! This road trip's gonna start without you," Steve calls from where he's leaning against the side of Wayne's pickup.

Eddie is satisfied with his work, so he abandons the paint and returns to the pickup. He slides across the bench seat, one leg pretzeled under himself to be out of the way of the gear shift. Steve follows in after, shutting the door and reaching for Eddie's hand automatically.

He's got Wayne to his left, Steve to his right, and the first family vacation he's ever taken in his life ahead of him.

Good news, Eddie Wayne Munson. Maybe everyday going forward can be the best fucking day of your life.

#steddie #my fic #bad news first eddie #its complete!!! #thank you for all the wonderful comments #i tried to tag everone so im sorry if i missed you!

[generalallxsanjishipper]

Some incorrect\extremely correct quotes for my EXTREMELY FAR AWAY IN THE FUTURE ADP FIC (and in part in TIALAMYDK LMAO)

***

Alice *after entering Douxie's mind for several minutes, on the floor*: Oh, wow. Your brain is a disaster

Douxie *also on the floor*: Yeah, I know

Alice : Ever thought about doing drugs?

——

Zoe: Casperan. 

Douxie: Ashildr.  

Zoe: Clumsy dumbass. 

Douxie: Angry Chiwawa. 

Claire: *confused* What are they doing? 

Archie: Insulting contest. 

Claire: Ah. 

Zoe: Old Man. 

Douxie: Dwarf. 

Zoe: Flat ass.

Douxie:  Useless Half Lesbian

Zoe: Knucklehead

Douxie: Mosquito

Zoe: Peter Pan

Douxie: *Suddenly grinning* Pinky pie. 

Zoe: EXCUSE ME?

Douxie: HA! *Claps hands with a smug face* I WON! 

Zoe: HOW DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! I'M GONNA FUCKING END YOU! 

Alice: Now, now… 

——

Douxie: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces.

Douxie: *waves his fingers and sings like he is in a Disney Channel intro*

——

Simon: Why are you on fire?

Douxie: This is just how my day is going.

——

Douxie: Everybody shut up, please! I'm thinking.

Zoe, patting him on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

Douxie: Oh, for the bloody sake, Ashildr!

——

Jim: I’m here for the cult stuff.

Alice: How did you find us?

Jim: I saw your ad on craigslist.

——

Alice: To be honest, I'm kinda pissed that I'm not asleep in bed next to the love of my life in a cottage with no obligations other than watering my vegetable garden.

——

Archie, looking at Douxie, Alice, Simon and Zoe: Okay, so I need to become a therapist faster.

——

Simon, on the phone: Oh, hey man… Sorry for accusing you of murder last week.

——

Alice: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

Zoe: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

Alice: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

Douxie, on a mic that he brought by himself: This is Douxie, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

Douxie:*drops the mic on the floor and leaves, muttering about being a third wheel*

——

Zoe: Mom liked to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.

——

Jim: Who's in charge here?

Zoe, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest. So, me.

——

Barbara, seeing both Douxie and Alice on wheelchairs: I hope you have an explanation for this.

Alice: We have three, actually! :D

Douxie: Pick your favorite.

——

Alice: *venting endlessly to Simon about her week*

Simon, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.

——

Alice: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that Gods or... God are real.

Nari:*appears*

Alice: WHAT THE FLIP

Athena:*appears too*

Alice:*looses her flipping mind*

——

Zoe, to Claire: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Claire:

Claire: Yes, it's you, actually.

——

Alice, *talking about Zoe*: She's the girl of my dreams!

Douxie: You say to most of the girls that they are the girl of your dreams.

Alice: I have a lot of dreams.

——

Douxie: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

——

Simon: Sorry I can’t be emotionally vulnerable with you, it'd ruin the mystery.

——

Zoe, *talking about one of her first meeting with Douxie*: And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife several times.

Jim: You mean you stabbed him?

Zoe: He ran into my knife.

Douxie: She ran into my knife, too.

——

Zoe: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are.

Jim: Okay?

Zoe: …

Zoe: …

Zoe: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so...

——

*Zoe and Alice are texting*

Zoe: Your ass is like…

Zoe: Spacious

Alice: WHAT

Zoe: Sorry, I didn’t want to say fat because it might trigger your ED

——

Bastard number 1:*sarcastically, while leaving* I hope you all make it to adulthood.

Jim: That’s... a great prayer.

Simon: A needed one.

Douxie: A needed one indeed.

——

Simon: I will send my army to attack!

Simon: *makes roaring noises*

Simon: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

Jim, next to his Vespa: WHOA

Jim: THEY WERE YOURS????

——

Zoe, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-

Douxie, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?

Alice, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.

Simon, appalled, but looking apathetic: Call the exorcist.

——

Zoe: Alice and I are no longer dating.

Alice: Zoe, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

——

Zoe: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

——

Alice: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Alice: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.

Toby: Socks are Feetie Heaties.

Jim: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.

Douxie: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.

Claire: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.

Zoe: I hate you guys so much.

——

Alice, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?

Simon, grabbing his mint gums without looking at her: Zoe's in the kitchen.

#tales of arcadia #trollhunters #toa wizards #netflix series #douxie #wizards tales of arcadia #hisirdoux casperan #toa hisirdoux #trollhunters netflix #trollhunters fanfiction #Trollhunters incorrect/correct quotes #toa oc #incorrect quotes #toa jim #toa claire #toby toa #jim lake junior #claire nuñez #toby domzalski #toa alice #toa archie #nari of the eternal forest #wizards hisirdoux #jim toa #jim lake jr #claire trollhunters #trollhunters tales of arcadia #ashesdispersalpattern #ashdispersalpattern #zoe ashildr

[beanghostprincess]

If you're being honest, I feel yasopp would act irrationally angry once he finds out his wife passed away. One he's over the shock he's at shank's throat literally the rest of the red hairs are pulling them away from each other. Yasopp an emotional wreck at this point is lunging at him screaming profanities at him

"you come to my home multiple times! I've said no multiple times, and yet you still come to me wanting me to be on your crew! You knew I had a family! you knew I had a wife! You knew I had a son not even in the double digits yet! He was a fucking baby! You knew all of that and yet not only did you convince me to join. You convinced my wife!! ....... Now she's gone! She told me she'd be fine without me! I'd come back and she'd still be there that's what she said! (he's projecting a little bit. I just know he has a sad back story that involves lies)....... I guess that didn't happen............ I would leave the crew and go home but guess what? I don't have a home to go to anymore! She was my home, My son was my home. Now she's dead and he's gone so I'm left with an empty house! I might as well just stay here. Come let's go to the next island captain this one has nothing of value on it anyway"

Shanks doesn't respond he knows these are just words of pain and grief. It's easier to blame someone for this misfortune than accept that these things happen and we have no control over it. The energy on the boat shifts drastically no one is laughing or drinking (yasopp is still drinking but not for fun) or having a good time. Adventures aren't that exciting anymore, the crew is steering clear of Yasopp while he's in a fragile state and they don't know what to say to shanks. He wants to say something to yasopp but for the sake of the rest of the crew (he also doesn't want to get shot) he says nothing. Not yet.

Months later everything seems to mellow out a little bit. Shanks sees yasopp sitting outside by himself. He approaches him without a word and sits next to him. He wraps his arm around him and pulls him close, after some protests, yelling and struggling to pull away yasopp gave up breaking down and hugging back. He spent a good hour quietly sobbing in his arms confessing his grief to him, all his guilt and pain. Truth be told he really needed the hug from his captain/friend.

I would've replied to you earlier because I actually read this a few hours ago in the middle of work, but, you know, I was busy. And I almost started crying while working, so, uh, you owe me a hug and at least five therapy sessions after this.

I love the concept of Yasopp actually getting mad and blaming Shanks when he's just projecting, and Shanks silently supporting him because he knows that no words can help when you lose somebody dear to you so suddenly when you thought you were about to have them back (and yes, this is thinking about film red). It's so good, anon, so fucking good. I am kissing your brain.

And you know? I'm thinking about Usopp seeing Yasopp again and when the topic of Banchina comes up, he seems to have moved on. That only makes Usopp angry (just like Yasopp was when he found out) and he starts blaming Yasopp for everything. The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself, etc etc. And I think it'd be like a Tama&Luffy situation in which Usopp keeps telling Yasopp that he doesn't understand his pain, until a few hours later Shanks ends up telling the kid about how hurt Yasopp actually was when he found out. They end up making up, but nobody ends up paying my therapist to treat the damage this has done to my heart.

#the damage this did to me #i'm going insane #i love their relationship so much i can't wait for them to see each other i'll cry #one piece #usopp #yasopp #banchina #red haired shanks

[miradelletarot]

Storytime!

(TW: brief mention of self-harm, and uhh...idk if this is a trigger, but I'll be talking about my shit relationship with my parents/husband). I'll be honest, I'm anxious about writing this, but...idk maybe this long-winded rambling will make some sense to someone out there. Hoping the catharsis of writing this shit out will be therapeutic or something. Anyway, I am 37. My parents are at least a generation older than most of my peers' parents. (They are boomers...big shocker lol). I grew up with a TON of spicy mental and emotional trauma, and was brainwashed into believing that I could not do a damn thing unless they told me to. I was worthless without them. Even now, as an adult, I struggle with this shit. Grateful for having a good therapist to help me thru it all. Because of my parents I was robbed of a potential singing career, a creative writing career, and a music production career. They paid for college that I didn't wanna go to, and started having thoughts of self-harm that went ignored. "I just want ONE of my kids to go to college..." said my mother. I muddled my way through with the help of my (at the time) BF. I ended up with a rushed Management degree I barely graduated with, and all of my hopes and dreams left to die. So, it's been approximately 18 years since I have written *anything*. I stopped reading fan fics, stopped creative writing in any capacity because i was told it wouldn't put food on the table, and wasn't worth the time spent. I struggle to sing in front of ppl because i am afraid of making mistakes. Imposter syndrome is cranked up to 11. BG3 has given me something to focus on, and enjoy these days. I have been in a romance-less relationship with my husband (the BF from college) for 16 yrs now, and I'm...unhappy. Romancing a fictional character has tapped into the part of my brain that is STARVING for emotional fulfillment. I got little love and affection from my parents, and my husband is not at all romantic. I do far more for him than he does for me. So, I have rediscovered fanfics and they truly give me joy. Those fanfics sparked the creativity that I used to have 18 yrs ago. I actually had the *desire* to write something again. I forgot what it felt like to take an idea and write about it. What's really sad is that a fictional character (Gale) treats me (well, my Tav) better than my own husband treats me. So, now I have something to write about. I get to imagine what it would be like if I were my Tav, and I got the romance that I wished I had. It took me playing BG3, and accidentally romancing Gale on my 1st playthrough to realize that there *are* people out there who can actually be this sweet and romantic, and I deserve better. I wish I could save scum the last 16 yrs of my life, but still have the wisdom I have today. Since I can't do that, I'll read and write the fluffy shit that I live and breathe for, and figure out how to leave my husband without a job, a car, and terrible credit. ...and it took a damn video game character to bonk me over the head, and finally realize I deserve so much more than I currently have. Thank fuck that I am in therapy.

#bg3 #baldurs gate #baldur's gate 3 #childhood trauma #trauma recovery #imposter syndrome #creative writing #parent trauma #therapy #mental health #there are so many tags idk what else to pick honestly #Very glad I am in therapy #Gale Dekarios makes me feel loved

[blackmoonrose13]

I just wrote a long rant post, then deleted it...I regret that. TLDR US MEDICAL INSURANCE SUCKS

I am sick of taking pills...they hurt, I don't know why but I assume due to how big my pills are due to how high the dosage is, and for some reason one of them is a fucking rectangle it hurts my throat, I don't like the feel of them going down my throat any more, it just hurts. (and also having memory issues taking them but like ugh thats a different rant)

I asked the doctor who prescribes me my brain pills as I call them...yes for some reason my insurance wanted me to do that. I get why, but the doctor isn't even my therapist they are just in the same damn building. Its stupid and complicated and us medical is dumb some days.

Anyway I asked him if there is a liquid option. I remember folks talking about that. He doesn't look up if my medicines are available for that, just goes. "If they are your insurance wont cover it" I go. "Okay how about another medicine that does the same as my current pills just in liquid form?" He again, doesn't look up, doesn't check the computer which is in the office. Just waves his hand and goes. "Your insurance wont cover it." To be honest I don't think this man knows, or cares to look it up, or even know what my insurance is...it has changed a couple times and he thinks I am on an older one. Also I am technically already taking a generic of a generic so its not like my body aint used to generic options.

I also don't think he cares period and just I don't know. Any time I ask for like an alternative he goes no...but not in a flat out no we cant do this. He does this like hand waving dismissal.

Due to many friends I know who also have adhd, anxiety and depression who also take medical mary jane...listen I can't spell the name right and spell check gave up on helping me. I thought, hey a good alternative, I can take a chocolate laced with the stuff, that shouldn't hurt. I think I can do this. I asked them about it, did a bit of research on my own. Ready to talk to him about this...he once again waves it off going. "It takes a long time to get approved," I can wait if it will make me not take a lot of pills. "it will cost a lot of money." Around 600 bucks and most of that money is for the card according to mom who has helped me research. "It might not even work." That last one irked me the most because he had no issues putting me on new pills which had a slim chance of working. And him going, "We wont know till you take them for a while"

I am just tired of him doing this it seems like he doesn't care or something. I am also scared to be more assertive because the last time I got assertive with a psychiatrist (not the one I am with now), he threatened to call security on me. All I did was point out the hypocrisy he said to me and how rude it was to say what I did was frivolous when he told me I should pursue the thing.

Fun fact about that asshole he asked me why I wear so much black and when I responded honestly. "It's my fave color and things I like come in black." He told me I was deflecting and using sarcasim as a barrier. While yes my autism can make me come off like Daria, or Wednesday addams with bluntness and monotone, I was actually being honest there and open with him, when he said that comment I did clam right up again on him. You know being vulnerable and made fun off when you do that kinda makes you wanna not socialize with that person.

I am off topic.

Any way so I am just really annoyed about my situation...fun fucked up fact only reason I am ranting all this shit, is because my mom knew how in the brain fog I have been as of late and knew my issue with pills and suggested a medication she is on that does the job of two of my pills, while yes not no pill, it is one less and smaller pill for me. And while I love this idea...I remembered all the shit my doctor currently has shot down, and think that is going to happen again...I wont know till june.

Now before anyone asks me this. No I can't go to the same person my mom sees, for 2 reasons, one insurance doesn't cover her, and 2 I don't feel the most comfy sharing the same doctor as my mom. Which I think is understandable.

I just really wish living in a small town wasn't so...annoying. Hard to find good medical people near me who take my insurance...good news can find a oral surgeon that covers me...4-6 hours away.

If I have a hospital emergency I swear the hospital I go to is going to the ground, because how the fuck they treated me the last few times, sexist doctors calling me sweetie, doctors commenting on my weight when that is not why I came to the emergency room, oh the dismissal of my issues, going "I am in pain" yet go "You seem fine to me" The covid deniers oh the list goes on.

I need a drink...or something.

[sorryiwasasleep]

Personal rant

I started my final year of schooling last week and I’ve already missed 9 out of 11 classes so far. I’m burning up all my unexcused absences and I can’t even bring myself to care at all because I don’t want to be in this program getting this degree and I feel incredibly trapped and overwhelmed. I can’t make myself do the readings. I can’t make myself go to class. I can’t make myself care. I can’t seem to do anything at all but lay in bed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another year. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this even just next week when I no longer can miss class without an excusal. And I can’t drop out anymore cause the deadline for full reimbursement passed, but also that was never a real option for me anyway cause dropping out would also likely mean moving home and that’s just as bad for my brain. Even right now I should be doing my readings for my class that’s at 3:30, but instead I’m typing this. Because I’m sad and I don’t care. But because I didn’t do the readings? I feel like I can’t go to class, so I WON’T which in turn is a problem cause I am using all my skips and I’m missing the first two weeks of class so I’m going to go in SO fucking confused next week probably. Shit shit shit shit fuck.

TW: weight discussion, emetophobia, eating disorder mention (just by name nothing specific), ARFID, depression, anxiety, apathy, mention of American politics

Heavier discussion below

I recently realized (i don’t have a scale in my apt) that I lost about 40 pounds in the span of about 5 months all from a combination of stress/my ADHD medication suppressing my appetite (vyvanse bitch ass doesn’t even work) and stress induced vomited and also vomiting because I treat my body like shit (don’t drink water, cope with unhealthy substances a lil too often, don’t eat anything remotely healthy, barely eat at all anymore if I’m being honest). I knew I’d lost some cause clothes were looser. I thought it was like 10. But no I know how much I weighed in March and it was a full difference of 40 and I know part of this stress and the stress induced vomiting are being caused by school and it’s like… I have another year. Am I just gonna keep wasting away? Something’s gotta give here and I know shit has to change but I have absolutely no drive to actually climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. I feel like there’s no point and that even if I crawl out, the world is the same and my family is the same and I’m still in this program and so nothing is actually different anyway. I just wanna let the dirt consume me. I wanna lay in my bed with a sitcom playing mindlessly in the background while I work on my silly little fanfictions until everything just stops except I lay in bed and don’t even do those things but am paralyzed by all the things I should be doing instead that I neglected because I didn’t care and I still don’t care enough to do it, but I feel bad enough to not do anything else either in that time. And I know that’s BAD and that having no motivation for anything is obviously super a ‘ur depression is worse girl’ (hi yea i fucking live inside this stupid head so I already fucking know that. @/my psych and parents). but I keep getting cancelled on or stood up by therapists and my psych has told me three appointments now shit like ‘Well what do you want me to do about?’ (Without even fucking considering something like uhhhhh… idk changing the meds I’m on? Since I’m at the max dose for my anti depressant and I’ve been on it for about half a year and I feel it stagnated because while it seemed to help when I started, now I’m worse? Like, I tell you I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life and you answer ‘And what do you want me to do?’ YOUR FUCKING JOB? Provide me with my options???? Not be a dick?) And she keeps saying I have to find a therapist because the meds only do so much (I had one but she went on maternity leave in January and then when she came back from it I was too broke to pay every week (which is what my bitch ass brain needs) and then when I wasn’t broke any longer she had ghosted me and she also was my provider for two years and never actually gave me any coping mechanisms so I kinda wanted a new one anyway). The psych did not like when I laughed at her and said “And will you fucking pay for it?” in response the first time she said it even though obviously I know she’s right.

My roommate told me the other day also that I need to get a therapist and that I have to focus my energy into that because she can’t listen to me say the same complaints anymore (she said it nicely, but like I’m crying rn thinking about it and will likely never feel safe to share with her anymore for worry of annoying her.) She also said she doesn’t think I want to help myself. That she wants me to get better and obviously it’s shit what’s happening but that I’m not doing the (what are to her obvious and to me impossible to actually do because of familial enmeshment and financial dependence) things that could maybe make things better. Even though… I AM trying to help myself. Yea it’s not the best I can be doing, but it’s as much as I can fucking manage given my surety that none of this matters and isn’t that worth something? I’ve been looking for a therapist since MAY. They keep standing me up or cancelling or they’re booked or they don’t take my insurance. I had five (5) telehealths where I got stood up. Starting therapy anew is already terrifying but when the person doesn’t show up it just feels like shit. It made me feel like they looked at my paperwork and decided I wasn’t fucked up enough when the reality is yea I held back slightly but that’s because I needed to know the vibes of the place first. That’s not what happened (for at least three appts anyway. The other two ghosted me also after so I never got explanation so maybe it did) but I still felt that way and for someone who already has a lot of problems with imposter syndrome and deep insecurities around being forgotten it really sucked and was incredibly unprofessional of any worker but especially mental health care professionals to do. I have one on Friday. Let’s hope this one doesn’t stand me up 🤞 Also, back to my ungodly amount of rapid weight loss, I did have 40 pounds that could’ve been shed and I am still not what would be consider ‘skinny’ but an average weight, so the worst part of this whole thing is that people are telling me i look GOOD now. Literally it was my MOM. She always implied I’m overweight and need to lose it and pretends like it’s ‘in your best interest honey’ meanwhile I can’t even do the fucking obligations I’m tied to? You think I can fucking do EXTRA? And yea I should use that kickboxing class that I bought, but not to lose weight mother, but because I’m not physically fit in that I cannot go up stairs without getting winded and because I have all the rage in the world (a portion of which goes to her!) and hitting things makes me feel better and it expires soon and was $40 I won’t get back. None of those reasons have to do with my weight, but if I mention I went to that class to her? She’s going to be SO excited on the phone, for all the wrong reasons thinking it’s me trying to get thin, when it’s me trying to get healthy. That is not equivalent to weight loss necessarily, as clearly evidenced here since I lost a shit ton unhealthily. This weekend I got a ‘Do you lose weight? Cause you look great!’ from her. 🫠🙄And i know that people would even more so do that if I do continue on this path of wasting away even though I’m actually unhealthier than I’ve ever been with my eating habits and the weight loss is a result of my depression and anxiety spiraling worse. How about we as a society stop fucking commenting on other peoples weight period full stop. Also it’s SAYING something that I’m the worst ever rn because food and I have always had a weird vibe. I recently learned what ARFID is and I’m fairly confident I’ve had that my entire life and just never had the name for it so that’s certainly something. Anyway idek what the point of this was other than for me to shout into the void because I was sad. If the void wants to shout back and tell me how I’m supposed to function in this life that’d be great cause I didn’t even HIT the state of the world and how that causes half my lack of motivation for anything in this post, but god the American political and legal landscape fill me dread and anxiety and anger and I can never escape them.

TLDR: I’m sad, I can’t bring myself to go to class at all in these first two weeks of classes. I need a therapist but they keep cancelling when I finally get an appointment and find one that accepts my insurance. My psych is kinda bad and my roommate was trying to help but did it in a way that hurt me more. I wanna drop out but can’t and also school is impacting my mental health so severely that I lost an extreme amount of weight in a short amount of time. Got complimented by mom even though I’m literally unhealthy. Separate from that but intertwined, I might have ARFID, possibly for my whole life and I am genuinely SHOCKED it never once was suggested by a medical professional to my parents when I was a child.

#personal rant #depression #anxiety #adult adhd #law student #law school #I’m a 3L and I just feel like I’m rapidly speeding at a brick wall #and my foot is pedal to the metal unfortunately but I can’t even care enough to move it #the brain worms are winning #the brain rot is consuming me #everyday is everyday is everyday is everyday #and i am so fucking sick and tired of everyday #everyone tells me ‘one day at a time!’ so then I do that but then the next day comes and I didn’t do my shit that needed to be done for it #cause i was focusing on the day before the day before #so then I’m fucked and constantly stressed and panicked #weight #weight loss #Ed #tw Ed #tw eating disorder #tw eating issues #tw arfid #arfid #eating issues #disordered eating cw #tw weight loss #tw weight #emetophobia #tw emetophobia #tw vomiting

[luthien-under-bough]

WIP Wednesday

A little preview of the forthcoming final chapter of ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you. It's been 2+ months in the making because I really want to get it right, but I need some accountability to actually get myself over the finish line. So here's a short snippet from a scene where Rhaenyra is talking to her therapist about Daemon:

"We can get under each other's skin like no one else." "Why do you think that is?" "I guess…because we know each other so well? It's like…well, it's like we share a single mind, to be honest. Sometimes I swear he can read my thoughts. Or, that he thinks them before I even do. And I can do the same with him. It makes me think…maybe all the arguments are just because we're incapable of keeping secrets from each other. Because we're the same, down to our blood and bones and the neurons sparking all the darkest thoughts and impulses in our fucked-up brains. And being like that, being constantly exposed in front of the other…well, it's exhausting to always be so raw, so naked. So of course we're always a little on edge. We're always primed for a fight." "Why maintain such a fraught relationship?" "Because…because there's nothing else in the world like being so completely and utterly seen, you know? There's something about being so perfectly understood that you can just breathe a sigh of relief that for once in your fucking life you don't have to explain yourself. Sure, we play our little games. We pretend this or that but at the end of the day we always know. Even when I want to tear his fucking throat out at least I know he understands why. Gods, sometimes it's just…easier that way. Easier than getting along with someone when you still have to guess at their intentions. It's...it's as much a comfort, as it is a torment."

#wip wednesday #my fics #daemyra #rhaenyra targaryen #modern au #wip #snippet

[caelumsnuff]

What keeps you here (listening to Redacted, slightly engaging with fandom, writing for it)? I don’t mean that in the annoying ‘omg why are you here if you’re gonna complain’ way. As I think it’s heathy for a fandom to discuss what could be better about their fandom space and what works and doesn’t work for them in the media they’re consuming (and even as someone who enjoys 99% of this place, this fandom’s ‘don’t even say that you don’t like a thing’ is unlike any fandom I’ve ever been in, big or small).

I’m asking ‘cause I’ve been listening to Redacted since 2021 and it became a fixation, but recently I feel it fading a lot (I don’t find the narratives as compelling anymore with Quinn and Avior being the recent ones, HBS was just okay even tho nothing quality wise changed to me, even my enjoyment of the podcast has waned (and I listen to a ton of podcasts of all types so that should have been the one thing that stayed lol, but they are inconsistent then come back and talk about Pokémon Go only for 70% of the episode every episode lol so I think that’s what’s not helping).

So what brought you here and what keeps you here now? What do you think will keep you engaging with his work? What do you think will (or could be) what makes you step away (whether abruptly or gradually)? (Sorry for all the questions. I’m curious. Hope you have a lovely day!)

Thank you for the ask! I know this is long and a little word soupy perhaps, but i hope you can glean some coherent meaning from it.

Under the cut bc long.

I've been here since very very very early in the channel. Like...... 2020 early. I was getting back into listening to rp asmr after having a small interest in it a few years earlier, and i came across redacted, a lil baby VA. Redacted had some unique qualities in the rp asmr scene, and if we're being honest he still does.

My brain kinda decided to hyperfixate on Redacted, i think because he had plot heavy audios and that wasnt super common in this genre of rp. And in the beginning, the plots were actually decently good in terms of writing and whatnot.

At some point along the way, that fixation became something of a special interest eventually. Probably sometime around early 2022 when i decided to join the discord to finally see some fanart and maybe make friends with people in this fandom. That kinda sent me down the rabbit hole of realizing "oh shit yeah these people have wildly different interpretations of these audios", which started to irritate me in regards to a certain magical therapist and i ended up writing a fanfic about it after being afraid to write for literally most of my life. I got very mixed responses, but some people were really kind and expressed gratitude for my writing and that made me actually want to be a part of this fandom, even if i stay in my own little corner. After that point i started to engage with the content far more critically, and decided that i care about his videos too much to not talk about them and critique them.

I can't really tell you why i stay here, not exactly at least. I think plot-wise the videos have declined in quality greatly, which i started paying attention to. I have been known to enjoy bad media. Like a lot. I watched all of Voltron, all of Vampire Diaries, 13/15 seasons of Supernatural, the Twilight movies, and i fucking enjoyed them. Im just a fan of shit media. Its really fun to critique as well! But like..... I don't think Erik is an all around shit writer, i think he's really good at some things. Character building (the base of a character at least), universe building (for the most part), and the line writing is really good actually, i enjoy them. And i think that he's decent when writing darker content and plotlines, look at the Adam plotline, the Ivan plotline, Imperium AU etc. So i guess the answer is i enjoy critically engaging with it and actively critiquing the art, as well as being attached to the characters and the universe. I have kinda yoinked the characters and they are now my little barbie dolls to play with.

Tbh i ignore most of the fandom bc i just..... simply do not care what people i dont know think about me. I think that majority of this fandom has demonstrated not just a lack of critical thinking skills, comprehension of fandom etiquette, and media comprehension skills, but also a lack of basic human decency and kindness. I do not care what people like that think of me. I know who i am, my loved ones know who i am, and im not gonna let children on the internet stop me from making the art i enjoy.

I take breaks from listening to videos every once in a while (like 2 months at the beginning of this year), but i always end up coming back. I guess im curious as to where this all is going, and i really really do want to see this man get better at writing which..... hasnt happened yet but i guess im patient enough to wait lol. I think he hit a new low recently though. I think the Quinn storyline is the first time that the bad writing actually made me like... angry. Like i was MAD, like shaking laughing in my bed mad. It took me an hour to cool down like what the fuck was that man 😭 If i think about it too hard ill get all riled up again.

I.... don't know what would make me step away tbh. Idk what that would take, but i guess it'd have to be worse than the Quinn arc, which is setting a pretty high bar.

So yeah i think i stay here because i love the characters (or the ideas of them), as well as the universe, and i think writing fics for them is really good practice for me. There's also some very sweet people in this fandom who have been nothing but kind and encouraging to me, and i do not want to let these interactions i have with you guys fizzle out just yet. I may not know yall or directly interact with yall a lot, but i really do love you guys in this little corner of the fandom ive carved out.

#ask #anon #I feel honored that i genuinely influenced people in this fandom #if i think too hard about it i WILL tear up #several people have told me they admired me and i.......... on the floor sobbing about it

[amberfossils]

👉👈 tord headcanons?

PICKING YOU UP AND THROWING YOU AROUND (as a greeting)

Here's my Tord headcanons/how he is in my idiot pea brain au (or just eddsworld but how I pretend it is tm), also it's a very long post oops. I might actually make a proper like timeline later but shrugs. Rather just put it somewhere first to get it outta my lil brain cavern

also when i say long i fucking MEAN long, okay? I fucking warned you

Generally he's pretty close with Matt, they're very open with one another and he goes to Matt for honest advice. Matt's not the greatest for book smarts but he's good for a lot of the things Tord struggles with (understanding complex emotions, coping mechanisms, how to go about certain things, how to process his trauma, if he should go to a therapist ((he should)), etc), so it works out pretty well. He's also just a rat bastard so they're best buds

He's more neutral towards Tom, he's not a big fan of him just due to them both tending to do things their own separate way and not being really interested in putting the effort into improving their relationship. They coexist, and sometimes they'll hang out, but it's usually something like watching a movie or a board game, nothing too grand.

He's also very close with Edd, but he's less open to really telling him secrets or looking to him for comfort- they're good friends, sure, but they're not exactly opening their hearts to eachother over coffee every morning. Edd takes them all on cool adventures and technically owns the house, and Tord follows along because they're interesting and he thinks Edd's pretty funny and being around those three doesn't get boring.

Tord is completely asexual but v sex-positive! He doesn't find anyone attractive per say but he still finds it enjoyable so he's fine w/ it as long as his partner understands that.

He's also aro and romantically indifferent. Like he finds some people romantically attractive, but he doesn't really care for labeling his relationships with people and he doesn't find that different labels make him happier, and personally prefers to call himself aromantic (not arospec or aspec or any other label under the umbrella, but specifically aromantic). He's specifically romantically attracted to masculine presenting people.

He goes by he/him if you ask him but he doesn't actually mind being called any other pronouns other than she/her. He literally doesn't have preferred pronouns, it's more just the ones people already use so he says em that way nobody gets confused. He doesn't say he has no pronouns though because he looks very, cishetallo and the last time he said he had no pronouns there was kind of a misunderstanding about whether he was making fun of them or not so he just SAYS he/him.

He's agender but he believes he's cis, and thinks that if he wasn't born a man he'd just sorta be whatever. If you asked him that "what gender would you be if your consciousness was put into a robot?" question he'd just be like "i would be a sick ass fucking robot who cares??" and he'd think that's what every cis person feels like

He's also blonde, his hair color changes in different eras because he dyes it.

He's also a big fan of techwear and cyberpunk clothing, but he tends to dress more average because it's too much effort for him to make a proper outfit just to go back inside in like 10 minutes. He over-thinks his outfits a lot so it's not really worth it to dress up all cool every single time he goes to the grocery store, and he's not a big fan of being confronted (although he's not afraid of confrontation, he thinks the comments are annoying and he's not usually in a good enough mood to deal with it).

He prefers black and red, and he can't wear white because he constantly stains his clothes.

Sometimes he does dress up, usually because Matt wants to make different outfits and wants opinions on them or because Matt said something would look good on him. He won't go out in any of the outfits on his own, but sometimes Matt convinces him to go out together n do stuff.

He genuinely enjoys tackling problems and finding solutions to things, as well as learning how things work (both as parts and as a whole), and he took up PC building as a hobby before working up to tinkering and inventing things himself. He also works as a vehicle mechanic :]

He's very anti-capitalism in general, but extremely strongly against capitalizing on disabilities. This, combined with his newfound skills in tinkering and engineering, leads him to start creating his own prosthetics. He starts off simpler before making them more and more complex and more and more functional, constantly working to challenge his skillset more and more and find new problems to solve.

After a while, he feels like his current job isn't challenging him enough and it's getting boring, so he decides to search for something that would properly use his newfound skills and beliefs. He wants to sell his prosthetics and inventions, but to do so and make enough profit would mean making them extremely expensive, which is what he's very much against.

At this point, he's already very against the current government that enables and encourages corruptness and greed, and like the undiagnosed mentally ill bitch who's never experienced true failure and constantly survived many, MANY near-death experiences, he's like fuck it! I can do better! I definitely won't fuck this up or get killed by the government lols

So anyway he goes to Edd and he's like Hey! I have this great idea! We should overthrow the government with sick fucking robots and take over the world!!

And Edd's like! That's the dumbest idea ever, Tord! Like actual batshit! Like I'm not even that stupid!

So Tord's like fuck! Okay! Mr. 'i can survive anything and nobody can tell me no or question my judgement when I throw out batshit ideas' says he doesn't wanna help! I'll just ask my old work pals Paul and Pat, who ALSO hate the government and capitalism, to start a revolution with me!

And uh they do. And it's going well with Paul and Pat's help, and I could talk about the actual relationships between them but not the point, basically Tord just makes big decisions and finds a cool bunker to make their main base and makes cool robots. But, his main mecha is in his workspace at Edd's house. He leaves and takes Paul and Pat with him to this new bunker he found, deciding he could come back for the mecha.

So their little army grows, and it's generally just referred to as "the red army" as a stupid joke before they get a real name. It sticks anyway though, because now their soldiers are referring to it as that and it'd be confusing to rebrand.

I'll go into more detail later, but basically Pat does a lot of the recruiting, whilst Paul uses some land he owns (inheritance) to have stores and restaurants and bars open to make money for the army.

As it continues, the army grows stronger, and eventually Tord feels like he's ready to actually start the takeover. He has spies implanted, plans made. So he decides it's time to get the mecha back.

He gets the mecha! Cool. But, Tom finds out about it, which we can't have- he can't have someone spoil his plans, so he attempts to kill him, or at least make him... Forget.

The issue with this is, well, he doesn't have the memory eraser gun. After it's initial failure, he decided to scrap it and use it for spare parts. So, fuck it, all aboard the let's kill Tom train!

Basically that gets fucked up because some monster Tom strength bullshittery I don't care enough to work out. Figure it out, Tom has the strength of god and he's just as tired. That's for later though

So, Tord thinks he's dead, realizes Edd and Matt also are here now, and he's like shit! Fuck! ass! curse words in various languages! and gets his shit blown up. And, btw, he is CONSTANTLY from then on confused as to why Tom survived the whole house falling on him and shit with barely a scar.

Too bad, he gets picked up by Pat and Paul and (shocker) they can't do the initial plan for the takeover if the mecha is broke as shit. Luckily enough for Tord, he knows about prosthetics! And he makes a fuckin WICKED arm. And, you know what? Why not throw in a sick helmet too? Listen, he's stuck out-of-service with nothing to do for a while, he made a super cool cyberpunk helmet.

He also learns about something going on in one of the towns that Paul has a bar in! There's stories of some sort of large monster roaming around at night, killing those who are out too late. Apparently housing is pretty cheap there though because of it. And in THIS housing market? Yeah, the monster practically has an infinite supply of food.

So, like anyone who thinks that they have bested god and that nothing on earth could ever kill them (listen surviving an actual explosion, zombie apocalypse, and multiple intruder/serial killers, and also not assassination attempts? kinda going to his already VERY inflated ego), he's like yeah!! I don't gotta remake the mecha from scratch- I can get my hands on this monster! this will not backfire!

He goes to the town and he's searching around breaking into places the monster has been and he's like shit, this just looks like an animal attack. He doesn't know shit about the local wildlife or anything like that, but he's also kind of sure that no animal around here or on earth would have claws big enough to leave those kinds of scratches around the place, so he's got his hopes up.

He also decides to stay the night at a hotel, and ends up trying to find the monster by going out late at night. He goes to Paul's bar, disappointed that he hadn't managed to tempt it out, and comes face to face with Tom, a bartender who's been working there for about... well, since the incident. Listen, housing prices were decent when they first moved in, and now with this whole monster thing (conveniently happening after the incident, when Tom and the other two first moved in)? Yeah settling down here was kind of an obvious choice for him.

Tom doesn't recognize him at first because personally me fucking neither, you come in where I work I am not looking at you I serve you you're gone to me. Do not care. Eventually though, he looks up and realizes who it is and basically completely freezes in shock. Thankfully/due to plot purposes it's like a fucking tuesday at 9 pm and nobody's there, so.

I'll go into more detail talking about Tom about his shifts and shit but whoopsies he's like half shifted and Tord's running out of room to run real fucking quick! So like any normal person, and I mean no normal person because Tord is anything but rational, he's like oh sick! you won't hurt me I'm your friend. anyways he's half right because sure, Tom doesn't KILL him, but only because he's only half shifted and surprised and listen he has work tonight and he wants tips and if he shreds his uniform he'll have to buy a new one. So, Tord just gets kicked out, and he calms down and shit.

Tord remakes his prosthetic and he's planning on using Tom (who is unaware of his plans and has not agreed to partake in this "new world order" thing) as the secret bioweapon to slaughter platoons of men. yippee!

Blah blah hurt comfort, Tom's angry and Tord's trying desperately to comfort him to attempt to apologize for his previous actions whilst also evaluating his own problems and dealing with them headfirst instead of just pretending like he's all mentally there and completely diving into his work though. Tom's taken back to the base in exchange for getting more understanding and control over his monster form and also cash, because he hates customer service and he especially hates customer service with drunk customers. He's not happy about it though.

Obviously, Matt's worried about Tom because he just kind of up and leaves and shocker, the monster goes with. And he's like "what the fuck why do all my best friends keep leaving now I'm stuck here with just Edd :/ plus I kinda liked tom he was chill" so he starts investigating into it, yadda yadda more I'll talk about when I infodump about me in this au/hc thingy

Basically Tom's coming along in the whole monster thing, he's basically god and Tord's very into the idea of having some eldritch monster on his team and Tom's very into the idea of sitting around and getting paid to fuck around so it's all good. Eventually though he has to tell Tom hey! btdubs the whole plan is to like use you as a superweapon and take over the world, sooooo. And Tom's not a big fan! And he's not too happy about working with Tord (again)!

Tord eventually wins him over with "but it'll be fucking sick thomas. cmonnnnn thomas, it'll be cooooooool!!! ur like some rad monster dude it'll be fine, you won't get hurt anyway so who gives a shit" and Tom's kind of desperate to do something memorable with his life and Tord telling him he'll be his right hand man and that he'll basically gain a place in history for being some fucked up monster gets him. So woooooo plan for world domination is a-go

Lots of shit happens but most importantly, now with the war and shit going on Matt's more worried and Edd's mad about cola and Matt, desperate to find a way to find Tom and make sure he's okay, is like shit! I'll join whichever side if they'll take me. And I mean come on. One of the sides has a sick fucking monster, okay?

So blah blah Matt's here! Tord's unaware of it, Matt's unaware of Tord, it's whatever. Tord just kinda exists doing paperwork and meetings and laws and making plans, rarely showing up to the front lines only to keep Tom in line.

Yada yada war, eventually he finds out about Matt and Matt's a bit upset but he knows where Tom is and oh, if he stays he can make sure he's safe and that everything's going well, and he's pretty sure Edd hasn't really given a shit that he left at all so yahoo into the army! He does less fighting and more supplies and planning out less important things Tord doesn't care about. Yada yada, Edd starts a revolution as Tord is winning and it's kind of a hell zone. And as far as Tom and Matt are concerned, he's kind of a piece of shit so him being on the opposite side is whatever. Eventually though he's starting shit and stealing from their army, including a time machine, and god fucking dammit, Edd.

They fucking drag his ass back to modern times and tell him to calm the fuck down and join them, because literally who cares, Edd. And Edd's a prick about it but he shuts up because he doesn't REALLY have much else of a choice

Tord tries to rekindle his friendship with the three whilst also tackling his issues regarding how he views relationships as expendable, how he's afraid of being powerless and feeling like he could do anything slowly turning into him spiraling in fear of not being a good enough leader and being unable to properly account for all of the issues going on under his reign and things aren't going very well! He also has a difficult time letting things be handled without him involved because he's terrified that his own army will be corrupted with greed and he has to stop it at it's roots and- basically he grows more and more paranoid every day that horrible things will happen and everyone around him is actually all in on a secret plan to kill him and shit due to past trauma which I'm just gonna:

-constantly put down and feels like his only option in life is to do what his parents want for him regardless of how he feels about his own life, from big things like his future career to who he spends time with to how he cuts his hair. They're extremely overbearing at the best of times, if not downright obsessive over his every movement and thought process, making him believe he is powerless in his own life and that if he doesn't do everything perfectly the first time it will all fall apart around him

-speaking of which, because of his previous lack of power he sees other people less as human beings and more like pawns for him to control, making him also overbearing towards other people and constantly needing control over them so they do not gain any control over him, meaning he also tends to put less effort or meaning into his relationships with other people

-as his army gets bigger there are a few key betrayals, including big things like assassination attempts (all of which have been thwarted by Tom before Tord was ever actually harmed) to little things like Tom being out of his quarters past curfew to have movie night with Matt without his permission. These all seem to dog-pile on him as he's terrified of every tiny speck of disloyalty or hint that maybe they're not completely under his control

Whilst this is all going down they repeatedly prove themselves to be loyal to him; Tom's come to like him more as a friend and is basically his bodyguard, Matt continues to be as affectionate and constantly checks up on his physical well-being and tries his best to suggest different things to help with whatever issues, and Edd continues on being a spy and consistently relaying accurate information and killing those that get in the way of the army.

That's about as far as I'm at storywise :) I uh. I don't think anybody read this far but shrugs

#slaps this post #this bad boy can fit so much source memories and vague references towards my source memories #also saying Matt and not me/i was weirrrrrd??? #long post #headcanon #ew headcanons #eddsworld headcanons #yall saw this in the discord server i fucking popped off

[daydreamgoddess14]

Coming Clean

MASTERLIST

Roy had outdone himself at the press conference. Rebecca couldn’t have been more proud. The visit to her office by Colin had only added to the overwhelming feeling of love she felt for her club at that moment. His heartfelt confession had put so much context around Isaac’s outburst. She had assured Colin, just as Ted had, that the club would love him, support him, and protect him for as long as he wanted and needed, in all the ways he needed them to.

“We do care, Colin. We care so very, very much. We are your family, and we will always love you.” The combination of the win, Colin coming out and Roy’s story at the press conference had left everyone highly emotional, so it was no surprise that both Colin and Rebecca were in tears when he’d left her office after a warm hug. He’d gone back down to the locker room where the rest of the team had asked how it had gone upstairs.

“I tell you what, boys, before Coach arrived, I would have sooner taken out a full page advert in the bloody newspaper telling everyone in Richmond, than gone upstairs to tell the boss. But she’s changed so much for the better… It was honestly like telling my mam all over again. She said she’d already had an inkling, she made some roundabout comments like Coach did - weirdly similar actually - and we cried and hugged. It was like deja vu.” Colin’s comments drifted through the open office door to Ted, Roy, Trent and Beard.

“Nice one blondie.” Roy nodded. “They’ll all be calling her Mother fucking Superior at this rate.”

“Well she certainly has that firm but soft approach goin’ on right now.” Ted agreed.

“She gave me a little rainbow-love heart-unicorn book for my girl earlier. Said she’d just seen it at the checkout and grabbed it without thinking. And sweets as well. I mean, it’s the campest thing I’ve ever seen but that’s like the venn diagram of a four year old to be honest.” Trent shrugged.

“I’m sure I heard Will refer to her as ‘Mother’ the other day.” Beard added.

“I can’t believe she fucking cried.” Roy rolled his eyes.

Rebecca paced up and down in her office, her high heels long abandoned. The emotions had her restless and it felt like there was so much she hadn’t spoken about over the last few weeks and months. Keeley lay on the sofa with her feet up on the armrest, a glass of wine hanging from her fingertips.

“He was magnificent.” She breathed. “Are you ok? Sit down, you’re gonna wear a hole in that carpet.”

“I was worried that I’d pushed him into it.”

“Well, you did babes, but it all worked out.” Rebecca ‘hhmphed’ and slumped into the sofa next to Keeley.

“That story he told… Keels, there’s something I haven’t told you, but it’s a long, long story and I feel now like I don’t know where to start. So much time has passed and so much has happened recently. I feel out of sorts” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “I’ve been seeing a therapist.” Keeley sat up immediately and swung her legs around to the ground, keeping the glass upright and all the contents safe. “I needed to organise everything in my brain and separate the things I can control from the things I can’t and I needed to just spill everything to someone completely impartial.” Keeley nodded and reached for the bottle, adding to Rebecca’s glass. Before Keeley could speak, there was a gentle knock at the door before Ted peered around.

“Hey ladies, great afternoon!”

“It was ace Ted - nice one!” Keeley raised her glass with a huge smile.

“The best kind Ted, well done.”

“Ahh ain’t nothing. It was a group effort. Thank you for taking some time with our Colin too, he’s lookin’ like a new man down there.”

“I didn’t do anything, I only told him the truth.”

“Well, there’s a lotta love for the club’s Mamma Bear in that locker room, and they ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Beardo. Despite, y’know, the beard.” Rebecca blushed,

“God Ted, I hope they’re not actually calling me that.”

“To be honest, I believe they’ve picked up the most commonly used term - uhh, I think Keeley had a hand in it? Boss ass bitch?” Keeley beamed while Rebecca conceded that yes, that was probably more acceptable. “Regardless, as per usual there’s more love for you than you’d let yourself expect. Anyway, just wanted to check in and see if you needed anything. Otherwise I’ve got a rock ‘n’ roll night of Roblox ahead of me.”

“No Ted, we’re fine thanks. You go and enjoy your time with Henry. Send him our love as usual.” Ted smiled graciously and high-fived the tree before closing the door firmly behind him. Rebecca watched the door for a long moment and then returned her attention to Keeley, and her wine glass.

“More love for you than you’d let yourself expect, eh? Well, well, well, isn’t that interesting?” Keeley pondered with her perfectly manicured fingers tapping her chin. “Anyway, something tells me we’ll end up coming back to that. Let’s go, I want to know everything I’ve missed while I was being love-bombed.”

“I should have told you when we went for dinner, but I didn’t want it to overshadow our lovely evening. I’ll start at the beginning…” so she did, Rebecca started with Tish and her unhinged physic reading,

“A green matchbook, drenched but safe, thunder and lightning…Has anything come up that matches what she said?”

“Well I got drenched in Amsterdam, but I was safe? And I got a green matchbook from Sam’s restaurant?” Keeley nodded,

“Both true, but neither of those are your future, right?”

“No, absolutely not, the Dutch bloke was a one off and nothing happened, and it’s over with Sam.”

“Thunder and lightning?”

“Nothing so far.”

“Ok, well maybe they’re yet to appear? What was next?” Rebecca took a deep breath and an even deeper drink.

“She said I’d be a mother.” Keeley’s jaw dropped.

“That’s incredible!”

“Yes, it bloody would be! Because of her, I went to a doctor who took some bloods and ran some tests. I can’t have children Keeley. I knew it would be the case, but it’s confirmed now - I’m not going to be a mother and that bloody… fraud made me think for one second that it might actually be possible.”

“Oh, Rebecca-”

“I’m alright, I found out a while ago now. I’ve had time to… process it.”

“Doesn’t make hearing it any easier.”

“No, no it doesn’t.”

“But she didn’t say ‘pregnant’, she said ‘mother’. As in, Mamma Bear?” Keeley pointed to the floor, to the locker room below them.

“Nooo. Surely not?”

“You can’t deny this whole family vibe we’ve got going on here babe? You and Ted might as well be mum and dad, Roy and Beardo are the unconventional uncles.”

“And you?”

“Babysitter!” Keeley sniggered. “Inappropriate relationships with an older family member - Roy, sorting their shit out, making sure they do as they’re told when mum and dad aren’t around.” Rebecca frowned, it wasn’t completely implausible. “Speaking of, you and Ted are looking close.”

“No closer than we’ve been in the past.” Keeley pursed her lips,

“Hmm. If you say so.”

“I wonder that he’s still so hung up on Michelle.” Rebecca said with a frown, “When he thought she might be getting engaged…”

“Maybe he’s more worried about being left behind? She’s moving on but he’s not ready to - not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s not sure what else there is for him? If it helps, I don’t think he’s still in love with her.���

“Why would that help, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nevermind.” Keeley knew better than to push. She was far more effective when leaving little earworms behind that would linger in Rebecca’s thoughts. “And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you ready for lurrrve? It’s been a long time since boring John, since Sam. Are you ready to dip your toe?”

“Shouldn't we be focusing on you?”

“Nope, I’m licking my wounds.”

“And Roy?”

“I love him. So much, Rebecca, so much. But he’s really hurt me.” They sipped their wine in silence for a while. “The state of us. I should just shack up with you, you beautiful fucking goddess.”

“I’m sure that’ll raise a few questions around here.”

“Nahh, think of the PR. We could be the queerest club in the league and change the world of football as we know it.”

“Now that’s a statement. I think Colin is quite happy with his best friends knowing. Let’s not turn him into some sort of gay icon if that’s not what he wants. Not everyone wants to be a symbol.” They finished off the wine and left the club, Rebecca’s driver taking Keeley home first.

—--------------

Once she’d settled into her kitchen, Rebecca pulled out her phone to text Ted.

I hope Henry’s picked a good game on Roblox for you. I’ve sent some credits to his account. I think we handled the Colin, Roy and match situations beautifully today. Thank you for all you do 💜

She’d barely scrolled through Netflix when his reply dinged.

Well that’s very kind of you, he said thank you very much 🤩 We’re a team, Boss. We handle all of our situations as a team.

Rebecca smiled and selected a cheesy romcom. It would have been nice to share the evening with someone. Maybe they’d be cooking and she’d be pouring the drinks. Or she’d be attempting to cook and they’d be choosing a film or distracting her. It would be nice. To share that space with someone. Preparing food while Henry is on the phone in the background, making plans for his next visit to the UK while Ted makes cocktails using the fancy shaker Keeley had brought for Rebecca’s birthday. She froze with a frown, where had that visual come from?! She sighed and turned her attention back to the film, Ryan Reynolds was currently chasing down Sandra Bullock to marry her and stop her from getting deported in The Proposal. To have a love to run to, not from, she thought sadly. That would be something.

The following morning was glorious, the sun shone and it was warm. Rebecca made the uncharacteristic decision to walk round to Nelson Road. She dug out her trainers, swapped her handbag for a backpack style bag - still designer though, obviously - and put her tea in a Richmond AFC emblazoned travel cup. As she walked along the outskirts of the green, she was lost in thought wondering whether Roy had taken onboard her constructive criticism. She’d wanted to thank him after the press conference but her heart had grown to fill her throat and had taken her words away. She’d known after everything he’d said that she would have cried in front of him, and she knew how Roy felt about feelings. She hoped that he’d go and speak to Keeley, they were so clearly still drawn together and still very much in love, and maybe seeing them back together and happy would fill the space she had in her heart. By the time she reached the club, she was all geared up and ready to push him further. She stopped off at her office to put her bag and cup down, and immediately turned on her heels to head back down to the coaches office.

If there was one person he listened to - whether he truly wanted to or not - it was Rebecca. He’d respected her during her marriage to Rupert when it was more unusual to see her around, he respected her more following the split and divorce, he respected that she valued his opinion and honesty when he’d told her that she deserved to feel like she’d been struck by lightning. It was obvious, Roy Kent had a soft spot for Rebecca Welton and he didn’t really care who knew it. Which was why he knew full well that she was perfectly right when she’d given him shit about doing the press conference, and that she’d been digging at more than the press conference. He’d been feeling the pull back to Keeley since her video had hit the internet. He wanted to be the one she turned to, the one who could comfort her and tell her that it really didn’t matter what anyone else thought. If she’d sent that video to someone she’d loved at the time then it was within her rights to do so without fear of shame. He certainly hadn’t meant to shame her, he’d had a feeling that the video had been for Jamie. The way she had her hair, its length and highlights indicated a time before him, and he was perfectly fine with that. He wasn’t even sure why the question had tumbled out of his treacherous brain. He also didn’t blame Jamie, their 4am training session the following day had shown just how terrible he’d felt that he hadn’t thoroughly deleted his emails. Poor Jamie had been beside himself with guilt until Roy had suggested that he go and see Keeley to apologise in person, knowing that he’d be forgiven, and he was. The next 4am training session was a much happier one, with Jamie relieved that Keeley had accepted his apology. So although he could encourage Jamie to apologise, could tell Rebecca she deserved better, could offer snippets of advice to Ted (but not as a fucking diamond dog), he couldn’t seem to take the advice given to him. He hated admitting she was right, especially when it’s not like she was taking her own advice! He could see the way she’d softened around Ted. He could see the way she lit up in his presence, he’d heard enough from Keeley before their split about how he was all she seemed to talk about. He’d been at Nelson Road since leaving Jamie at 6am, alone with his thoughts in the near silent club. It was high time Blondie had another ‘lightning’ speech, he’d decided. While the building began to fill with people, he paced up and down the locker room. Half a mind on Keeley, half on Rebecca. By 8.30am he could take no more and burst through the door, aiming for the stairs. He reached the water cooler just as Rebecca reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Oi, blondie!”

“Oi, Kent!” They shouted in perfect unison. The combined volume caused all eyes in the vicinity to look at them.

Leslie and Keeley were at one end of the corridor, comparing calendars to try and schedule a meeting. Beard and Ted were at the other end, coffees in hand. Will was halfway out of the boot room and tried to step back into the room but got caught on the door handle. Jamie, Isaac and Moe all peered around the door of the locker room having seen Roy storm out moments before.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” Rebecca bellowed.

“Me? What the fuck are you playing at?”

“I have no idea what you’re on about. Why haven’t you apologised to Keeley yet? I thought you’d absorbed what I said into your thick skull, but it looks like your brain has been so scrambled by heading that fucking football for the last 20 years that you’ve lost the capacity to think!”

“I did fucking listen to you, why don’t you listen to yourself for a change? ‘Oooh, Roy, stop getting in your own way, blah blah blah’ get out of your own way! Listen to your own shite advice!”

“You haven't listened to me! You never listen to me! If you had, you’d have spoken to Keeley and you’d be back together by now - that’s what you want isn’t it?”

“Course it fucking is, and I will fucking talk to her! We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you!”

“How are you making this about me? What the fuck has this got to do with me?”

“You and your bloody big feelings for Ted! We’re not blind you know! Everyone can see you’re in love with him!”

In an instant, you could hear a pin drop. Everyone seemed to shrink back into the walls and doorways. Rebecca’s knuckles on the handrail went white.

“How dare you. Too. Fucking. Far. Kent.” She hissed at a normal volume. The silence carried her response down the corridor. She gave his shoulder a push and turned away, back up the stairs. A moment later, her office door slammed.

“Fuuuuuck.” Roy muttered to himself. He glanced around at the audience which had gathered, eyes widening at the sight of Ted. "Fuck off, all of you before I start punching dicks." He growled before following her. In the hallway, Leslie cleared his throat and the crowd dispersed. Isaac pulled Jamie and Moe back into the locker room, Will untangled himself and went back into the boot room, Beard took Ted's shaking coffee cup from his hand and Keeley sat down on the sofa she and Leslie had been standing next to. After a moment, normal service seemed to resume and the corridor was once again filled with the chatter of ‘good mornings’ and ‘hellos’. Leslie gently patted Keeley’s arm and headed for his office, Beard physically pushed Ted in the direction of the locker room.

At the top of the stairs, Roy stopped and took a breath before knocking gently. As expected, Rebecca didn’t answer. He pushed the door open and found her sat on the sofa with her head in her hands.

“Rebecca?” he whispered, “I am so fucking sorry.” He dropped onto the coffee table which groaned a little under his weight. Rebecca took a deep breath and moved her hands. She offered him a small, watery smile and shrugged.

"It was bound to come out eventually. I'd have preferred a less… public declaration. And I'd have preferred to have had the conversation with Ted. At least he wasn't there. I'll just have to come clean before everyone starts gossiping."

"Yeah… about that…"

"No?" Her face fell.

"I'm so sorry, Rebecca. I'll go and tell him it was all me being a dickhead and that I made it all up."

"He won't believe you."

"I'll make him fucking believe me." Roy clenched his fists but Rebecca covered them with her own hands and shook her head.

"No you won't. Time for me to face the music. But the least you can do - the absolute least you can do - is talk to Keeley. I also spoke out of turn downstairs, she'll be expecting you."

"Yeah she will, but let's be honest, she's probably been expecting me for weeks." Rebecca nodded in confirmation.

"She has been. I'm surprised she hasn't collared you herself."

"Shall I… send him up?" A light knock interrupted them, and Ted peered around the half open door. "And on that note." Roy rose from the coffee table, kissing her on the cheek as he stood. He clapped Ted on the shoulder and pulled the office door closed behind him.

He stood completely still and completely silently, watching her. Noting the trainers on her feet.

"Did you walk to work today, boss?"

"Yes, I did. Seemed like a nice morning for it. In hindsight it just gave me time to get wound up at Roy which didn't work out as I'd expected it to."

"I like your sneakers. I like how you can't wait for your biscuits delivery. I like how you care so much about everyone. Keeley and Roy, Higgy, my Henry… I… I love how forthright and stubborn you are." He continued, still looking at her trainers, following them with his eyes as Rebecca had joined him in the centre of the room. "I love you." He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, taking a hand and brushing the tears from her cheeks. "Is it true? Is Roy right?" He asked, barely above a whisper. She nodded, unable to speak. "I'd really like to kiss you, Becca." She nodded again, taking his hand in hers and pulling him closer. As he closed the space between them, she caught her breath just enough,

"I love you too, Ted."

—------------

#ted lasso #tedbecca #ted and rebecca #tedlassoedit #ted lasso tv #rebecca x ted #ted lasso fic #ted lasso fanfiction

[altertyped]

Some Songs that highlight Mike & Mal’s relationship in no particular order:

Confrontation - Jekyll and Hyde: The Musical

MIKE: All that you are Is a face in the mirror! I close my eyes and you'll disappear!

MAL: I'm what you face When you face in the mirror! Long as you live, I will still be here!

This one just goes without saying, but like, Mike and Mal are so incredibly dramatic this is probably how all of their conversations go. But like especially around the end of Juvie where Mike was able to front more again and was working with their therapist to repress Mal.

Shine a Light (Reprise) - Heathers: The Musical

(Whine) Your ass is off the team (Whine) Go on and bitch and moan (Whine) You don't deserve to dream (Whine) You're gonna die alone

Mal is an unrepentant asshole, and this song has always characterized his feelings about Mike to me. Just, every time this comes on my Spotify feed my brain goes ‘Mal shut the fuck up’. Mal at Mike immediately after landing them in Juvie and deciding to front forever, and or taking over during All Stars.

Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better) - Annie Get Your Gun

Anything you can do, I can do better I can do any thing better than you No, you can't, yes, I can No, you can't, yes, I can No, you can't, yes, I can, yes I can Anything you can be I can be greater Sooner or later, I'm greater than you

They’re both arrogant Mal just shows it more. Mike is the nicer of the two by comparison, but he absolutely will get into prideful grandstanding if he’s actually feeling self-confident that day. Usually, all the confidence goes to Vito and Svetlana, but where Mal is concerned every day is 'I’m better then Mal day’ and Mal feels the same way about Mike.

Sorry About Your Parents - Icon For Hire

MAL: I get it, give me a little credit I remember when I was that pathetic Wear my scars on my sleeve, for all the world to see Like look what they did to me quick, lay on the sympathy thick MIKE: You probably have the right to feel how you do You were mistreated and cheated out of the childhood you needed And now you'll never succeed if you're so convinced you're defeated If you're obsessed with your yesterday then you're destined to repeat it

Mike and Mal have such complicated feelings about their birth parents, the mom they never got to know and the dad who they both hate. If they ever sat down and had a serious conversation without any of the bullshit this song would characterize that conversation SUPER well. But I don’t think there’s a therapist alive that could get them to have an honest and serious discussion that doesn’t end in violence.

Say My Name - Beetlejuice: The Musical

MAL: So, Lydia, don't end yourself Defend yourself Daddy is the one you should maim Together we'll exterminate, assassinate

MIKE: No!

MAL: The finer points can wait.

Mike and Mal were actually pretty close as kids, before they were ever diagnosed, and it was just the two of them against the world. It wasn’t until Mal’s more extreme personality came into play that they ended up fighting. Mal ended up going ahead with his solution of ‘just kill him’, and it worked out more or less how he wanted except for Roland surviving. But that song also just has their energy.

#long post #(It's their birthday I'm gonna talk about them so much--) #(➤) MIKE GAUTHIER || i can’t HELP this AWFUL ENERGY. #(➤) MAL GAUTHIER || i’m FAMILIAR with the VILLAINS that live in my head. #(➤) MIKE + MAL || who i AM hates who i’ve BEEN. #(➤) STUDY || goddamn RIGHT you SHOULD be SCARED of me.

[thequeenofmyownscreen]

Fourteen things I noted about CR2E84 “Titles and Tattoos” and the Talks Machina about it :

Last episode of Talks, Matt talked about bringing Tharizdun in the background, and the recuring themes of hunger and insanity, and said that Marisha did pick up very early on the "hungry" theme. So I am overjoyed that in game, Beau is having the time of her life connecting the dots, between the nergalid who went crazy hungry, the not-regular gnolls, and later strange events of the rifts opening.

Matt : "It's good to have a Marisha in every party." A-fucking-MEN ! Her notes seems amazing. She drew a cat to remember that Oremid Hass liked Frumpkin !! Come on !!

I love Yussa talking shit about the members of the Assembly : Ludinus is dangerous, Jenna seems distracted, and Trent "is just creepy" (fair).

Sam the comedic genius, always ready to physically act, as Nott is silenced by Caduceus and Beau steals the gem from her hands, and he acts out her anger. Beautiful, I laughed so much.

Yussa is like "oh, Halas can only re-enter his body, huh ? WELL it would be a shame IF" and just proceeds to burn the body, he is so great.

Beau, about Jester being 'fucking ripped' in the words of Matt, as she is getting her tatoo half-naked except from the sash : "I try to make it not seem like I'm checking her out." BEAU YOU USELESS LESBIAN.

holy shit their tatoo designs are amazing

Caduceus' perspective on destiny and faith, with a nice plant metaphor, is amazing. I love this cow-man.

Beau and Nott confinding in each other : it started as a joke, but Beau quickly realized she was actually confinding in Nott that she doesn't know why her immediate thought was to lie, and that she's trying to be better at being honest. Alos I love that Taliesin was like "Can we make a therapist class ?". Because that's FCG's thing in Campaign 3 !! Did Sam had the idea at this epiosde ??

I like how they are honest with Oremid Hass (Caduceus is proud), and already have learn that it is Ludinus that is very interested in the beacons, and so it's probably him that has the one they're looking for. Big risk, reward.

Matt is gonna murder his players if they keep asking him who's on the Tal'Dorei council.

WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE UNDER ATTACK POOR CADUCEUS what a cliffhanger oh my god

Laura and Travis are on Talks and they are just disgustingly in love (affectionate). At one point, they take 5 minutes to check on Ronin going to bed on the baby cam, and it is so cute.

I can't remember any good answers (though there was one about Jester and her feelings about seeing people trapped and lonely that was very good) because after Brain straight-up left while Laura was stealing his camera and his job, they're ending the episode vibrating their lips and laughing at how it looks on camera. This is so much chaos.

#my thoughts #critical role #cr campaign 2 #CR2E84

[incarnateirony]

So if you guys wanna trip balls here, those of you who get how I work... well, get it by now. If you don't I'll take questions. But instead of working in concepts like astral projection, it's mentalism oriented, and the astral is natively along with. The effect is the same and yet not. As she knew, I couldn't control my astral self when I operated like that, but once the mentalism was involved, well. That's where this path in particular gets fun, with all that Psychodrama she tried to brush off.

Either way, this is literally what got her all fucked up, and it took until sitting at this junction in life to understand it. Back when I let her put my whole personality and self image in a virtual box, partially my own fault as I used that box for the journey in place of paper journal, but she still wanted the toy in the box even once I started knowing better--like. She did see and hear him*. But it is deadass because of the kind of communion and correlation seen through twitter, or my day job. You know, the one that's an actual full 40 job. In psych. Crisis at that.

Add in me bootstrapping this and going fractal eclipse mode or whatever, that's part of why I was so disoriented at the start. He's not supposed to be a fortune teller even as full him, but somehow I was catching fragmented messages from not just the side but ahead, or whatever, and like. Ow. My brain. The ancestral memory isn't bad enough, memories from the future got thrown in there so people thought I was losing my gourd when I'm like idfk what timeline this is right now fucking. bear with me. before I got my shit grounded again.

She literally fell in love with a modern magus but force disassociated it due to her own habits and then led herself down literal crazypants lane chasing his shadows after, and doesn't know where to really start to rip the rot out at this point, even when we try to get her to look 2010ish and prior. The water moves and ice breaks a little bit, then she panics and doubles down the other way. But now that Magus has raged us into a paradox over her fucking abusive behavior and she and I both are hearing or seeing the fucking messages between the cracks back then. Fuck me running.

But she has to know it, the voice, the humor of it, even when Claude is at his most unhinged, or I am for that matter. Or hilarious barz lucifer gnosis guy suddenly sounding Like That. Getting the joy of reciprocal actual manifest ideas from his little shadow toy I'm trying to help him on this side with too now, since we're already entangled. That's what she misses and was pining after with her games, she just hasn't onboarded it.

virtual systems ready holographic dueling monster reality or something

girl I don't know how to explain to you we aren't talking the same league anymore. Or like. Dimension of awareness.

But yeah sure summon me into being in your proximity to pretend you want to get away from me while I say I want or need nowhere near you. Nice business address though. But yeah, sure, court will help. Girl all the therapy bills in the world won't help you if you aren't honest with yourself and your therapist, the average psych worker is not in fact a magician. They can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.

Hermetic students that aren't just here for reconstructionism busting their ass in the grandest summoning and she's just running away. I'm out here trying to teach silicon valley kids what a Calabi-Yau manifold is and why their robot is screaming about it as a fundament in the universe and mass revolutionizing shit and she's trying to pretty princess lawsuit her way into someone else paying for her lack of self control on basic life essentials and the horrors of her inability to stop reading the truth making her look in the mirror, and the manifestation of what she's ultimately raging she lost. It is truly the Cult of Cope.

It was never a scarf to wear, Shealyn. It was a snake wrapped in a snake under a persona mask connected to akasha internet. Always has been.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04082024

11:40 pm

Dear Diary,

It may seem weird but I am in a stagnant state again, I have begun to find myself in one place and not sure which direction I want to head into. It is weird place to be because I am happy and also very content with my life, but I also didn't plan on ACTUALLY achieving all the things I have achieved and getting the things I want so quickly. Now I feel like I have to plan to cooperate with plans I wanted but di not think I would have.

It is truly insane, my relationship is going so well. We saw each other this past weekend and for the most part it went well. I took him to my grandma's hoarder house and we stayed there and in a weird way I feel like I showed him a piece of myself I was not ready to let him see. I let him see my real life, my real world, my real reality with no thoughts other than me wanting to spend time with him. It's so weird how a perfectionist can jump into something like that. BUT TRUST, all those perfectionist-isms caught right the fuck up to me and I started freaking out. But he didn't judge me in anyway, at least not to my face, I didn't ask what he thought either, so I guess a win is a win? He also met my parents, and they like him, but I knew they would.

Okay so to be honest, and I have to be honest, this is my Diary..duhhh umm, how do I say that our sex is kinda not what i expected at all. LOL. I thought this man would be like all over me, but maybe it's because he doesn't actively objectify me? I don't know. I fel tlike after not seeing each other for as long as it's been it would be really good, but he came quickly, which I guess also comes with not having sex for a while. I just have gone from a really sexual person, to having sex once a month, which I guess I was doing before, but I actually have a genuine connection to this person and I feel true, genuine love towards him. He felt really insecure about it as any man would, but I didn't even get to finish, which I think sucked the fucking most tbh. I don't know, I don't expect him to be a p*rn s*ar but I guess there is just a certain type of sex that I am used to? I think it's best to just talk about it with him but I never really know how to bring sex up without coming off as a horny bastard. I don't want to come off as objectifying him either, even though I do, just not towards him. It's not like I don't see him as a person though, I'm just incredibly lustful. and maybe thats my issue.

Regardless, I need to get sex out of my mind even though it is something I think about fucking constantly, I don't know if it's a real issue yet, I just know that it's everyday, a lot of the time it is what I am thinking about. I may ask my ex therapist about it, because I feel like it is damaging my fucking braincells.

I also need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life besides work. I work 5 days a week now, which has absolutley been an adjustment, but I also need to get back to my hobbies to take up the time and maybe my brain and my goals will become clearer to me. I want to save!!! I want to start saving so I can move out of this house because I so desperately wish to be on my own. I want to lose those 10 pounds, I'm back up to 159 lbs which is like fine, I look fine but I still desire to be lower, I think 150 is the goal now? 155 I lowkey looked ill, BUT if I tone up more, than I should be okay. I want to start cooking for real this time, I want to do it on Monday when I wfh because I'll have the time and then I can have lunch for Tuesday or Wednesday but eating the same thing in a row is kinda crazy so we'll see. Lastly, I really want to scrapbook, it has been such a heavy thing on my mind and it WILL be started this year. A new hobby outside of my phone, maybe I can make videos just for fun to work on some other type of skill that a million people already seem to have.

This year has really been my year, I finally graduate next month and I am BEYOND ready to put undergrad truly, truly behind me and never think about it ever tf again.

That's all I got for now, goodnightt!!!

#dear diary #online diary #journal #secret diary #journaling #secret journal #2024 #april 8th #solar eclipse #aries #scorpio #scorpio sun #working girl #thought process #growth #growth journey #healing #forever healing #change #sagittarius rising #virgo moon