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dizzyedgc · 4 months

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[ dev patel, man, he/him ] — whoa! GIDEON CHOWDHURY just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS, working as a LIBRARIAN & WRITER. that can’t be easy, especially at only THIRTY-THREE. some people say they can be a little bit INSECURE and TIMID, but i know them to be INTELLIGENT and DEVOTED. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to BROOKLYN! — (freddie, twenty-four, aest, they/them)

content warning - death of a parent, mental health issues.

BASIC INFO —

full name: gideon chatur chowdhury nickname/s: gid preferred name: gideon ( is happy / comfortable with anything though, really ) age: thirty-three birthday: may 14th zodiac: taurus gender: man pronouns: he/him occupation: librarian & writer sexuality: bisexual relationship status: single ( + open for ships )

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE —

faceclaim: dev patel hair colour: dark brown hair length / style: slightly grown out, curly, often slightly messy eye colour: brown height: 6'1" tattoos: none currently peircings: none currently scars: none noteworthy

PESONALITY -

positive traits: intelligent, devoted, considerate, imaginative, creative, clever, loving, selfless, aware, humorous, helpful, friendly, courteous, resourceful, entertaining negative traits: insecure, timid, weak, defeated, defensive, scared, submissive, anxious, avoidant likes: writing ( when inspiration hits ), the smell of books, warm weather with a cool breeze, kisses on cheeks and foreheads, books, music ( specifically orchestral music ), natural light, beautiful architecture, home cooked meals dislikes: film adaptations of books that are vastly different from the original source material ( "why didn't they just create their own story inspired by the book? with this many differences it's not like they'd get in trouble for plagiarising..." ), writers block, uncomfortable silences, spilled drinks, licorice hobbies: cooking, tending to his tiny indoor herb garden, writing ( if only inspiration could ever hit ), reading, watching films, listening to music, playing any instrument he can get his hands on, going for walks bad habits: not getting enough sleep, smoking, biting fingernails, procrastinating, stretching himself too thin, doubting himself

BACKGROUND —

gideon was born to starving artists; his mother was a musician, and his father was a writer.

his parents worked hard to provide a good life for their family, though at the same time, they never forgot to chase their dreams and put happiness above wealth.

they moved to new york when gideon was six years old, and there gideon found himself living a perfect life.

above everything else that kept gideon busy, he cherished his time playing music with his mother, and coming up with ideas for his father’s latest books.

unfortunately, gideon’s perfect life was cut short at the age of thirteen, when his father passed in a sudden and unprecedented accident.

to say that gideon was lost is an understatement; he experienced his first terrible bout of mental health issues, and the despair felt endless.

it didn’t last forever, no matter how bleak life felt at times; his mother was of particular help to him, as was reading through his father’s work - the ideas they had come up together, but that his father had never been able to realise into a completed novel.

life carried on, and gideon kept his father in his life by becoming fixated on his work. as a young adult, gideon began to dabble in completing his father’s work, and thus, gideon’s writing career began.

over the course of some years, gideon had three novels - a fiction trilogy - published ( sure to credit his father for his contribution ) and met with success, he felt as though he had never been happier.

like before, though, the happiness didn’t last. without his father’s books to complete, gideon found himself losing purpose - no matter how many great things he still had in his life - and his mental health issues returned.

he thought the solution was to keep on writing, but no matter how hard he tried, no inspiration hit enough for him to complete any other work.

gideon tried for a very long time - he still does try, in fact - but he lost his spark, and submitted to a job at the library instead, something he felt would make him feel closer to his father again.

WANTED CONNECTIONS —

best friend - this is a ride or die connection, they could have been friends as young as six, when gideon moved to new york, and they’re thick as thieves. they’ve been there for gideon through everything ( and there’s been a lot ) and vice versa ! any gender, similar age preferred.

childhood friends - they became friends as kids here in new york, and no matter how much they developed and changed and grown, they’ve stayed friends because of that. i think it’d be real funny if they were super opposite people, and if people had no idea why they’re even friends. any gender, similar age required.

regulars at the library - people who trust his opinions on what books they should check out, people who talk with him for far longer than they should while he’s working about books - or other stuff ! -, people who get their fees for overdue returns disappearing because they’re such nice people to gideon.

ex love interests - gideon was in a serious relationship for the past few years, but before that he also had a few other partners. he’s not the most experienced because he’s quite reserved with his love, but he’s a very good partner when his insecurities and mental health issues aren’t preventing him from being one. any gender !

book club - i’m not sure if this is an already established thing in this group yet or not, but gideon is definitely part of a book club. he wouldn’t have started it, but he would have joined it years ago and committed to it as anything literary related makes him feel closer to his father. he never misses a meet !

musician friends - while he might seem more literature focused due to his career, gideon is an extremely good musician, and i’d love for him to connect to others here in new york. he only typically plays for fun, jamming by himself or with these friends, but i could also see him jumping in on tracks or performances as a session musician when needed / when a friend asks !

gideon is also open to so much more, i'm happy to brainstorm or listen to any / all of your ideas !

#∘₊✶────── gideon chowdhury ; intro #boroughs.intro #i apologise once again for if any formatting is a little weird asdfghjkl #death cw #death of a parent cw #mental health issues cw

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wanderingguest · 4 months

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i need to be real for a bit and i want to warn y'all upfront that I'm going to talk about my mental health struggles.

so, please take care of yourselves first. if you find those topics triggering, please don't read this post. i don't want anyone to read this who might feel like they aren't in the place to do so. take care of yourselves, babies.

my mental health has genuinely been suffering over the past few months. not just depression, but a major depressive episode. one that's only been made worse by not being able to provide any sort of christmas for my kiddo this year. most days, i am hanging on by a thread. some days, it feels like i'm drowning and i can't even save myself.

now, i would never harm myself. i've got a child and, even if i'm not the best mom, i would never leave him with that. it does not mean that i haven't thought about it. i have. i've been in such a dark place that i've thought he would be better off without me. in some ways, he probably would, but he's my kid and i love him. i'm not putting him in that position.

that dark place has affected every part of my life. yes, i know therapy could help, but i can't afford it and my insurance only covers a tiny part of it. as it stands, i have medical bills that are piling up and i have things like meds and oxygen that i have to be on just to survive. taking on another bill for therapy isn't possible right now.

i'm doing everything i can to drag myself out of that dark pit, but i can't pretend that i'm there. being in a place like this makes it hard for me to interact even with the best of friends. i don't want to drag anyone down with me and it's very hard to pretend that everything is good and i'm happy, when the opposite true. most of the time, i have to put that energy into making sure my son isn't miserable and the two jobs i'm now having to hold down. i'm sorry if anyone has felt like i've abandoned them or haven't been a good friend. i will try to do better, but it's going to take time and work.

please understand that this is not me asking for anyone to come to my rescue and it's not me asking for pity. everything got turned upside down a few years back and, since then, it's been a constant struggle. a struggle that i never really openly talk about. i just need to tonight, even if only for a few minutes, say this stuff out loud. talk about how fucking hard everything is and how it feels like i'm never going to feel okay again.

#( .mun )#depression cw #suicidal ideation tw #personal cw #mental health issues cw

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shrieks · 1 year

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hey look, it’s theodore ‘ted’ specter! he’s thirty years old, he’s lived in shrike heights for two months, and he’s currently working at the black cat. i heard he’s pretty repressed, but i think he’s so gentle at the same time. can he make it out alive?

content warnings include mental health issues, self-harm, suicide / suicide attempt and abuse.

basics

name: theodore ever specter nicknames: ted, teddy, theo. age: 30 birthday: december 16 zodiac: sagittarius zodiac traits: no indoor voice, forms opinions off of pure emotion, obsessed with self-improvement, wields their truth like a blunt weapon, friendliest person at the party gender: male pronouns: he/him sexuality: bisexual height: 6’ scars: multiple large scars up wrists - always keeps them covered piercings / tattoos: none

family

his mother was young and unwed when she fell pregnant with him, and she married his father at eight months pregnant, just in time.

by the time ted was born, their relationship was in shambles.

his father wasn’t a good person. he was much older than ted’s mother, their dynamic was unhealthy and he mistreated her.

his mother left his father when he was still only a baby, and ted has never questioned the decision or felt the need to seek out the man that makes up half of his genes.

when he was seven years old, his mother met a much nicer man, they fell in love, got married, and then at eight, ted became a big brother.

his little sister is his favorite person in the world. at times she’s been the only person who ted truly cares about, and the only one who he believes cares for him.

he’s always existed peacefully with his step father, though he can’t say they’re close or have an especially good relationship.

his mother was his best friend once, when it was just the two of them, but in his upbringing ted realised she prioritised her own happiness over everything else and he lost respect for her.

his sister is the only family member he’s in contact with, though his mom calls him from time to time.

upbringing

ted was a happy child, not understanding that his situation was unfortunate and blindly believing all his mother did for him in an attempt to act as though they lived a good life.

their days were filled with love and laughter, and even the most hideous struggles they were made to face were disguised as incredible adventures for the sake of ted. his mother was a dedicated mother and actor.

he truly loved his life despite his circumstances, until things changed. when ted was seven, his mother remarried, and very quickly ted became second to his mother’s own wants, needs, and happiness.

his sister was born when he was eight, and he became even less of a priority. despite his family having grown so much in size, and despite them being in a better and safer financial situation, ted felt lonelier and more upset than ever.

he was a lonely and depressed child. his condition only improved when his sister grew old enough to be a proper companion and friend to him.

ted was always the best brother, and together, the two children had a lot of fun. their parents selfishly cared more for themselves and their relationship, but the siblings didn’t mind when they had each other for company and support.

his life returned to being good for some years, or so he thought. the truth was that his happiness - even what he experienced as a young child - was always a facade. an act put on first by his mother and then later by his own defence and coping mechanisms.

the happiness began to dull, his sister began to grow up and live her own life, and ted fell back into his terribly depressed and lonely state.

this time was the beginning of ted’s endless amounts of attempts to better himself and his life, but unfortunately every single thing he did ended in a failure grander than the last.

his life became more miserable with each month that passed, and each next year was unbearable. he failed with family, with education, with work, relationships, interests and everything in between.

constant failure and lack of support wore on ted as a person. reaching thirty and having never experienced anything real or worthwhile was his breaking point. so many years of heartbreak and gloom was too much.

he attempted to take his life, but was unsuccessful in doing so. what he thought was a way out ended up being a way into an even worse situation.

upon failing, he wanted to hide it from his family, but he couldn’t.

he was so ashamed of his sister finding out that he had almost left her behind, alone, like he always had been.

despite the two siblings having grown apart, his sister showed up and she took him back to live with her in shrike heights; she was devastated to find out how he felt, and what he had done, but she vowed that together, they would get his life back on track.

ted doesn’t think that the setting of shrike heights is a good one for him, but he’s found that his sister is the support and motivation that he needs right now. he’s trying so hard for her, harder than he might have ever tried before.

education

ted could have done extremely well in school if he ever cared to apply himself.

in the beginning he tried to make friends and connections that would better his life, but after becoming a victim of teasing and bullying almost immediately, he was too beaten down to try again.

in an attempt to better his situation, a few times he tried to join different clubs and societies, only to have bad experiences in each and leave them before he ever got the chance to get anything good from them.

he’s never been athletic, and was teased enough in gym class to never brave any sport teams.

overall, school was a horrific experience, and the older he got, the more the bullying got worse, the less effort he put into any of his work.

he ended up dropping out before he even reached his senior year.

he’s considering shrike university, but while he has the drive to try for something now, if not for himself then for his sister, he just doesn’t know what he’d like to do, and he doesn’t want to begin anything that he will go on to fail.

work

ted has had a string of retail jobs since he was a teenager.

he’s never been the best employee; he has potential to do brilliant work, but not in the roles he obtains.

customer service is a nightmare for him, yet the only kind of job he feels qualified to work after not completing high school.

he has a bad habit of quitting jobs when it’s not actually necessary; he’s afraid of how bad failure makes him feel so he can get extremely flighty.

he’s trying harder than he ever has before to succeed with work in shrike.

he applied to the black cat as he felt it would likely be the safest space for him, with unique people working alongside him, saving him from potential bad treatment from those uncomfortable with him being unlike themselves.

he wishes he could be going on to work elsewhere, a job that isn’t just retail, but he doesn’t know what he’d be interested in doing specifically and he doesn’t believe he’s qualified to move out of the mall yet.

as much as he has a history of being flaky and a bad employee, it’s always been his circumstances, he doesn’t actually have an inability to be a good employee.

relationships

ted has never been in a real relationship before.

romance and sex don’t come to him naturally, as much as he’s constantly craving that kind of companionship.

he had his first kiss in his mid twenties, which is a fact he tries to hide out of embarrassment (although there’s nothing wrong with it).

all of his little experience took place when he was in his mid twenties, and his failure in this department makes him struggle to try for more.

because of how beaten down he feels, he’s completely submissive. he needs the other person to initiate everything, though he’s able to reciprocate when it’s being controlled by the other.

he has the potential to be an extremely sweet and loving partner. he’s good to others, and would be especially good to a partner.

his biggest issue with trying to find a partner is how terribly he thinks of himself.

interests

overall, ted is trying his hardest to figure out what his true interests are right now.

anything that sparks joy inside of him he would consider an interest, and he tries to hold on to them for as long as possible to try to feel more joy.

his interests come and go quickly for the most part. he’s always trying new things desperately hoping to find something that helps him make sense of his life and his time.

he likes a lot of general things such as music, films, television and books. he’s not passionate about any of them per se, but finds himself glad when they come up in conversation as at least he knows a bit about what they’re talking about.

watching television is what he does most, compared to reading or listening to music, etc. he enjoys keeping up to date with the latest shows and he always catches the latest films.

he’s not athletic, though he enjoys being outside in nature. when he’s in a bad state of mind he tends to stay in, shut off from the world, so being out makes him feel good.

he’s very mildly interested in a lot of things; travel, science, technology, video games, pop culture. once again, though, he’s on a journey to figure out his proper interests and passions.

frequent locations

the black cat. he doesn’t love working but it keeps him in a routine, and keeps his sister from worrying about him, so he works often.

his sister’s home downtown. he tries to not stay home too often as he associates that with bad mental health, but he still hangs out with his sister at home plenty.

the mall. particularly places like the food court and julio’s, places where he can sit and watch and just be in the town.

the library. he likes to sit and watch here, too, but his favorite part about the library is all of the resources on so many different things. it’s a great way to try to figure out new interests and passions.

all of the parks in town. it doesn’t matter which one, or where, ted enjoys hanging around these spots in town. out of everywhere in town, he’ll keep going back to the parks on his walks or his days off.

in general, ted is the kind of person who is always randomly popping up new places all around town. he’s still quite aimless and lost, but in doing everything that he can to find purpose and joy, he’s really adventuring and getting out there in shrike.

personality

ted is a sweetheart who’s very clearly always just trying his best. he’s kind-hearted and gentle spirited.

he’s been through a lot, and shows signs of previous trouble, mostly in his awkward mannerisms.

despite how awkward he can be, ted always means well, and that shines through in his personality and his mannerisms.

he’s charming, in an aloof sort of manner. he’s not very well put together, but he’s trying his hardest in a very endearing manner.

he’s friendly, he tries to be and wants to be, but it’s also clear in his interactions that he doesn’t have the most experience with having friends.

he has a habit of mimicking the people he admires, and that’s most often characters in television and films. he doesn’t do this in a disingenuous manner, only in an attempt of getting ahead and bettering himself.

ted tries to be hopeful, but he still has plenty of bad days. he can be reserved, quiet, sluggish and standoffish on those bad days.

thankfully he’s doing better, especially with the more he tries for improvement, but he’s only human, and with such an intense history of mental health issues, he definitely has hard times.

when he’s doing well, he can be social, witty, and funny. he often has to take a small step over awkwardness to get into the flow of that, but the more he’s comfortable with someone, the easier it gets.

his first impression is often different from how he is when someone gets to know him.

he does tend to improve socially the more someone knows him, but then he has periods where he completely disappears and isolates himself if he’s not doing well.

he wants to be more dependable and supportive so that he can be a better friend, but he does struggle with trying to manage himself.

ted is extremely insecure, but he feels better about himself the more he tries to better himself and his life.

he’s a work in progress, but he means well!

#suicide cw #self harm cw #mental health issues cw #abuse cw #ted → intro #shrikeintro

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grislyintentions · 7 months

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|| HC- Mental Health (Layla) ||

Other!Layla only came into existence a few months after Layla began attending the Akademiya as a student. This is in part a survival and coping mechanism created by her brain to ensure she is able to withstand the pressures she heaps on herself. Prior to this, Layla was subjected to an intense shift in various ways that ultimately led to her maladaptive coping:

-Moving to Sumeru City alone to study (no friends/family, isolation, adjusting to a new environment, culture shock, no feelings of stability) - Heaping high expectations on herself (high expectations from her family as she's the only person in her village who made it there, inability to confide her struggles with them) - Losing her only safe tether/reminder of home (good luck charm from her mother) before entering Sumeru - Being chased by Risboland tigers all the way into the city (trauma) - Being ostracised by fellow students and falsely accused of being snobbish (imposter syndrome, social anxiety, further isolation from peers) -Highly competitive study culture (imposter syndrome, heavy workload, sleeping problems, high stress, high anxiety) The human mind can only take so much. Layla may have a lot of endurance and perseverance but in the end, she's still a person. And there's only so much she can take before she cracks. That's why Other!Layla is here. To make sure she doesn't.

#charac: layla #[for her. i will absolutely swing on sight]#[she went from a relatively simple village life to this. its a lot. Its a LOT for her to deal with all at once]#mental health issues cw #dissociating cw

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slightlydazed · 6 months

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meet vincent dunne, a video game designer who lives in the downtown district ashmore. he's 26, born 05/15, making him a taurus - which makes sense, he is pretty stubborn and clever. he's originally from sedona, arizona; i wonder if he'll stay in ashmore for long ― joe keery, bisexual, man + he/him.

✶ find vincent's stats here !!

✶ find vincent's bio here !!

✶ find vincent's wcs here !!

#ashmoreintro #∘₊✶────── vincent dunne ; introduction #mental health issues cw #illness cw

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dumbbitchdisaster · 23 days

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I hate living in extremes

Its either starving or binging

Its either full recovery or full relapse

I can’t go in between, it feels like failing if I do

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chaerrycoke05 · 8 days

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I’m just a girl.

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svramblrdegg · 2 months

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I wanna cry. I fasted today but only for 24 hours because I felt sick. I took one bite of my food and couldn't stop. Ate over 1000 cals and I couldn't even burn them off because I had so much work to do today I was sitting down mostly. Whoever has my voodoo doll, please ⭐ve it tyvm...

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bizarreaizen · 9 months

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// TW : mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming and possibly more

pt: tw: mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming, and possibly more end pt.

my mom: my child is doing fine.

your child barely eats/drinks, has severe social anxiety, has no energy to do anything, struggles to do basic things, messed up sleeping schedule, has iron deficiency, "mean" and "rude", bruises easily, unhealthy, can't stand yelling and loud noises, can't eat around family members, afraid to even talk to their family members, suicidal thoughts, bottles up their emotions and feelings, always exhausted, can't take care of themselves, a victim of grooming, undiagnosed with adhd and bpd, gets uncomfortable talking about their problems, trust issues, doesn't know how to comfort people, suffers from gender dysphoria, isolates themselves, doesn't go outside, cries for no reason, lost interest in everything, losing most of their memories, just want to be loved, and lacks parental guidance.

#personal vent #personal #tw eating issues #tw disordered eating #tw sui implied #tw grooming #tw depressing thoughts #tw depression #disordered eating cw #vent post #tw vent #vent #mental illness #disordered eating mention #mentally unstable #mentesexpostas #mentally exhausted #mental health

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xannorexic · 6 months

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little intro 🧸🩷

my names mckenna/kenna, I'm 17, I have multiple addictions, I love weed, I have a diagnosed eating disorder, and i just want to post rants on this blog related to my mental health and whatever.

I'm NOT in recovery atm, but I'm pro recovery for everyone but myself.

blog tw: drugs, suicide, eating disorders, bpd talk, and self harm (not actively)

lmk if you wanna be friends ❣️❣️

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years

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Source: Hot, Throbbing Dykes To Watch Out For - By Alison Bechdel

#depression comic #dykes to watch out for #lesbian history #lesbian comic #alison bechdel #mental health issues #depression #cw medication mention #personal #image #photo #lgbt #lesbian

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fictionkinfessions · 7 days

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cw swearing / rant

i am an ________ fictive and i genuinely hate the fandom sm.

like why do you have to repost proship shit on the maintags? its so fucked up. idgaf about proship folk or what they do as long as they stay in they corner (it triggers me to see it but like, if i don't see it posted on maintags and such i don't really care. i won't go searching for shit that upsets me.)

but that isn't good enough for the fandom! they have to dig and find proship shit to be upset about then post it all over the tags all angry like yea bitch no one wants to see that, put it away.

i once looked up my source on tiktok and literally every single video was "hey look at this proship art i found of ________!!" like !?? get that off the main tags, put it away, why do people force proship stuff into the eyes of other people? if you are chronically online enough to go looking for stuff to upset/trigger yourself, i hope you get better mentally. but don't then post that shit everywhere where people are just regularly gonna be! not everyone wants to be upset. people who do that are worse than proship in my opinion cuz at least if i see "proship" in a bio i know the account isn't for me, people like this have no indication or warning that they post triggering material. like all it is is posting proship shit with main tagging and no tws for your followers who probably aren't proship, how is that any different from who you hate?

sorry if this sounds hard to read i haven't fronted in a while. idk how big of an issue it is now, but it was once bad enough to make me go dormant. i don't want to see proship stuff. if you hate proship accounts do it without basically making yours into one.

#fictionkinfessions #fictive #fandom issue #anty ship #proship cw #mental health issue #mod party cat

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evelle3 · 4 days

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౨ৎ edblr intro 🦢

˚‧ ᡣ𐭩 𝐞𝐯𝐞 !

— 16, she/her 🩰

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ 🤍 to be friends

˚. 𐙚 anorexia 🍨

⋅ʚ extra : ballerina, girl blogger, located in cali ☁️

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

twt

insta

disc

˗ˏˋ𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦 ˎˊ˗

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frodothefair · 9 days

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CW: anorexia (not mine, other people's)

Today I found an anorexic person's blog, and scrolled through it for ten minutes with a sad fascination.

Then I remembered that I dated a man in college who said that he liked "anorexic looking girls." After we ended things, I shared what he said with a male friend, and the friend said, "yeahh, that's the kind of comment that would get you punched, because you're basically reveling in the fact that your loved one is hurting themselves." Something like that -- not his exact words, but that was the gist.

But I guess it made sense, in a way -- the guy I dated had his own body image issues, which he (unsurprisingly) projected onto me.

Sometimes you look back, and you think, "my goodness, I can't believe I wasted my time on such a person." But every relationship teaches you something in the end.

In this case, it taught me not to waste my time on assholes.

#personal #cw eating issues #mental health #mental illness #relationships

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ilikecheeseandchocolatee · 12 days

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Minor vent. Read tags before the vent.

So I’m just kinda dejectedly sad right now because I just realized how big the difference is between me and my sister. I love her to bits and I love her to the end of the world but sometimes I’m so angry at her and sometimes I’m jealous of her, which doesn’t even make sense because it’s not like she has it any better than I do.

But she deals with it so differently to me. She can wake up cranky and yell at my mom for every minor inconvenience and have her every need catered to because otherwise she lashes out hard, and she can still do the things she needs to. She has an endless list of triggers and she can STILL function better than me. Me who has to construct intricate plans just to get myself out of bed, just to open my textbook, just to coax my brain into doing things I like and enjoy doing. I have to wake up and immediately practise happiness and gratitude or my day goes to shit, and she can wake up and immediately snap at multiple people and still get shit done. I have to take fucking 30 milligrams of antidepressants everyday and i STILL can’t study, she hasn’t even been to a competent psychologist yet and gets no help whatsoever but still can spend hours each day studying subjects she doesn’t even like. She HATES math, and I LOVE math, but she’s been doing a lot more math than me lately. I’m encouraging her to please please come to me any time she has a math question just so I can explain it to her and perhaps remind my lazy brain that I fucking love this subject. But it doesn’t help when I can’t get myself to get off my bed until 3pm, and most of the day is over and I can’t bring myself to shower just because that day was supposed to be Wash Hair day but I hate washing my hair so I just. Don’t shower, not even just my body. And like that I go 3 days without showering until my brain remembers that at least just body is better than nothing. My sister showers almost everyday and she’s not even getting help for her mental health.

I wish I could function like her. Yesterday I ended up accidentally revealing to her a section of my suicidal urges and she got so concerned that she made me watch this fluff drama she thinks I’ll like and let me play my ukulele while watching, which is something she doesn’t like otherwise. She doesn’t like it when there are other sounds when we’re watching something but yesterday she consciously knew that I was playing ukulele while watching and she just let me do it. I only realized I was doing it when she noticed me suddenly stop when there was a dramatic beat drop in the show. She literally tried her best just to get me out of bed, brush my teeth, eat something, just so I could try functioning, and she doesn’t need any of that help herself. And it’s not like she isn’t struggling because she IS, she has so many triggers and keeps insisting that she’s not autistic even tho multiple professionals have suggested an autism assessment. She has so many sensory issues and she can still function so much better than I can.

That’s another thing, I don’t think I’d call it a hyperfixation but I’m currently super obsessed with Thailand and Thai culture and it’s been like that for over a year now, and despite all that I can’t bring myself to consume Thai media that I actually fucking like a lot. Meanwhile, after I introduced her to Thai dramas she’s watched like over 50 dramas and she didn’t even like most of them but she can still watch that much and meanwhile there’s me, I’ll probably like anything and everything Thai that I consume but I barely watch things, barely read things, I can kinda speak basic words and sentences now but that’s it that’s the extent of my Thainess. I love Thai dramas so much but I think I’ve maybe watched like 6 of those. That’s literally it. And I really fucking like them. And like. I can’t do things I like anymore, meanwhile she’s doing things that she likes AND she’s doing things that she needs to do.

My sister can cook. She’s two years younger than me, has a billion sensory issues, and SHE can cook and I can’t. And a few years ago I was on a Wikipedia binge and realized there’s something called Mageirocophobia which is phobia of cooking and realized that wait shit. THATS what it’s been. Because it’s not just heat it’s even processes that don’t require heat that I completely freak out doing and I was hating myself. And I guess I still hate that I can’t cook. I’m a legal adult now and I can’t cook. A few days ago my sister was teaching me how to make fried egg, and I had a complete meltdown and started crying because i couldn’t crack an egg. AN. EGG. Like it’s not even that I couldn’t do it, I stood there panicking for at least 15 minutes trying to get myself to just TRY cracking an egg, and eventually my legs went wobbly and my ears went blank and I was sitting on the ground because I was dizzy, and then when I finally got myself to just TRY cracking the goddamn egg, i started crying and couldn’t stop for ages. I felt so so stupid and the entire time my sister was compassionate with me. This morning I heated milk for myself and I was so proud of myself for literally heating milk for myself. It’s not even cooking it’s literally just heating this white liquid. I can do math and advanced calculus but I can’t fucking crack an egg. And it’s so demotivating.

I’m so tired of being more unable to take care of myself than my literal younger sister. I feel so incompetent sometimes. What’s the point of being so book smart if I can’t function like a regular person. My mom is so stressed about my state right now, I can’t even bring myself to tell her I need to see a doctor because I need to reevaluate my dosage and also talk about the fact that I missed my period this month for the first time in ages, and the last time I missed periods was when my mental health was supremely shit. She’s stressed enough about a ton of other things that are too complicated to get into in this vent, and my dad isn’t here so until my dad gets back there isn’t much I can do without my mom knowing about it. And I’m supposed to be the responsible one while my dad is gone, because he knows my mom has issues and he has no choice but to go and I take after him so I know how to keep her calm so it’s on me but I can barely take care of MYSELF and my sister is having to take care of ME and she’s literally younger than me and she’s not even a legal adult yet.

I wish I didn’t have to depend on my little sister for so many things and I wish I could function like she does and I wish I could be what my family needs me to be instead of someone who stays on the bed doing absolutely nothing.

And then there’s my mutuals you’re all so nice to me and think I’m such a wonderful person and everything and sometimes I can’t bear it because there’s nothing remarkable about me other than the fact that I have a billion problems. All my friends act like they’re so glad to have me as a friend and my best friends love me so much and I don’t understand. How anyone can feel like that about me. If I were someone else I’d probably like being friends with me but only because being able to help others with their mental health makes me feel better about myself. Except that I can’t even do that anymore. I’ve barely talked to my friends in ages and I miss them but I can’t bring myself to talk to them because it’s really obvious how badly I’m doing lately and I don’t want MORE people to be stressed about me. I’ve already stressed out my mom and sister enough. My dad knows I’m not doing well but I can’t tell him much either because it won’t do for him to be stressed where he is right now.

Sigh this ended up not being a minor vent after all. As usual. It’s almost like every time I sit and let my feelings out they just tumble out all at once. Maybe that’s good. I haven’t journaled in way too long which has resulted in my memory issues going to shit even worse. At this point I don’t even know how I’m going to face all my teachers back at school because they’ll be expecting great things from me, they’ll be expecting me to be rejuvenated and energetic again after all this time off, and they’ll expect me to do fantastic at my exams just like they expect me to. And meanwhile my memory is so bad that I forgot all about further maths until right now literally a month from my first exam and I haven’t studied a single part of it. Not a single part of further maths in the entire time I’ve been off school. And I have a month left to sort out my shit. Further maths is supposed to be a subject that’s difficult to get an A in even with 2 whole years of studying. My official predicted grade is A but I know my teachers are expecting me to get an A* because apparently they just have that much faith in me. I don’t know if I can face them in a couple of weeks when I show up and they ask me how I’m doing and I’ll have to be like yeah. I don’t know shit about your subject. I’m sorry. And they’re so so nice to me but what can I do about the fact that I literally have not been functioning for the past few months.

I’ll probably even end up seeing my ex there because my luck is just that horrendous. And at first I was planning to be so goddamn good at my subjects that I’d destroy him in revision sessions but now I just feel stupid. And he got an offer from fucking Oxford university. I was so ready to beat him at everything and prove that I was more worthy of that offer even if it was just proving to myself. But now I see why I’m not worthy of it. My absolute love and passion for my subjects can’t motivate me enough to get out of bed, of course I wouldn’t survive Oxford. And if he sees me and sees me be shit at everything that’s just gonna make him feel better about himself which he does NOT deserve. Okay admittedly he got a lot of shit that does deserve. But he did not deserve that Oxford offer. He’s literally not even gonna go to Oxford he’s literally rejecting them. He just applied for the heck of it. He did NOT deserve that offer. Ugh and I have to face him probably.

Have I mentioned yet that I’m not looking forward to heading back to the UK.

I’m not looking forward to heading back to the UK. At all. And I hope to never associate with that school ever again after my exams are done.

So this ended up being not so much of a minor vent. I think the fact that I’m literally now resorting to Tumblr Decree just to help me get started and get in the flow, that says a lot about my mental state. I’ve tried everything I can think of and now I’m just hoping the notes thing becomes the reason I start functioning again. In like 24 hours people have already passed the first three milestones which means I should AT LEAST finish astrophysics by the end of the day and possibly try emailing my teacher about The Thing. Tomorrow I should finish the rest of physics. If people reach 800 by tomorrow I’ll also just skim over math real quick. Math shouldn’t be as much of a problem as Further Maths. Sigh I just. Need to get my head in the game. Get that textbook open and just read a couple of sentences just to start off. I just need to read a couple of sentences. A couple of sentences is better than no sentences. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS

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