I like to give people a glimpse of me, the healthy me. I will go on dates with them, eat as if my life depended on it. Laugh, dance, talk, make out. And then eventually, I will cut them off not shortly after. Nobody can break your heart if you keep them at a safe distance, right?So I cut them off before they ever get the chance. Before they start seeing me the way I see myself. Too sick to ever be loved.
all i want is to reach my uwg. idgaf if I’m healthy, idgaf if im tired and slowly dying, idgaf if I burned all my relationships with close friends or that my hair is falling out. I just want to be skinny. I want to feel fragile and pretty, I want people to be concerned on how I lost the weight so quickly, I want people to compliment me saying I look so much better, I want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see, I want people to whisper behind my back about how skinny I’ve gotten,
I officially chose recovery from my eating disorder 2 years ago. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t still had urges to relapse or haven’t looked at myself with disgust. Trust me, it’s been extremely bumpy and that’s what I don’t think most people understand. Recovery is different for everyone. Setbacks do not mean you have “failed”. Recovery is not at linear line and just because you engage in ED behaviors does not mean your recovery isn’t any truer than another person. It’s a process, it’s not immediate. Everyone’s journey is different.
If I were to start uploading pics of my journal entries would anyone be interested in reading them? Most of my journal is ED “recovery” (or trying to) and bullshit about my daily life. Sometimes I talk about challenges or triumphs. Juicy work gossip and all around trying to have an open conversation with myself about how I’m doing. If you’re interested please give me a like and a follow so I can gauge what my 32 followers would be interested in reading.
Maybe when I’m skinny, I’ll be pretty. Maybe when I’m skinny, you’ll like me back. Maybe when I’m skinny, I can eat what I want without fear. Maybe when I’m skinny, I can wear pretty clothes. Maybe when I’m skinny, I’ll be confident. Maybe when I’m skinny I can look in the mirror and smile.