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iguessitsjustme · 1 year

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It’s been a few weeks since I binged The Eighth Sense and I have some thoughts now that I’ve processed the whole show.

I specifically want to talk about this scene and this particular line that Jae Won says to Ji Hyun:

I saw someone point out that is not how depression works and Jae Won can’t make that promise and I wanted to talk about why I think he can (though I don’t think that person was wrong because Jae Won really can’t promise his depression away). Also I know that he doesn't say the word "promise" but it's implied. Keep in mind I don’t speak Korean and I’m not sure of any nuances or anything that could potentially be lost in translation.

But when Jae Won is promising Ji Hyun that he won’t make him sad again, he isn’t promising that he will stop being depressed. Jae Won knows that’s not going to change and so does Ji Hyun. Jae Won is in therapy, he is being prescribed antidepressants. He knows that he isn’t suddenly going to be magically fixed by loving Ji Hyun. Ji Hyun knows that loving Jae Won won’t get rid of his depression. Ji Hyun knows what triggered it to begin with and he knows what caused the most recent depressive episode.

Jae Won’s promise here isn’t to stop being depressed. It’s to stop pushing Ji Hyun away in order to protect him. It’s to stop projecting his doubts and fears that he has for himself onto Ji Hyun. What Jae Won is promising here is that he will communicate. He is promising to try. He doesn’t promise perfection, he doesn’t promise everlasting love, he doesn’t promise happiness. He promises effort. Which is what I love so much about the show. The very last scene captures it so well. They are together, in a car going somewhere and they are talking about trying in the voice over. They say they’re afraid but they will still try. Because they love each other enough to put forth that effort.

Jae Won honestly needed someone like Ji Hyun in his life. He needed someone who would love and support him through the depressive episode. Who would stand by him even when he is pushing them away. Ji Hyun loved Jae Won and didn’t get angry at him for the things he did and said. Ji Hyun was worried about Jae Won and just wished for his happiness. He knew Jae Won wasn’t happy and that’s why he kept showing up. It was a gentle reminder to Jae Won that he was there. That he wasn’t going anywhere. That he loved him through it all and he would be there for Jae Won whenever and however he needed him.

And that’s love. Love is the patience that Ji Hyun showed Jae Won. Love is the effort that Jae Won showed Ji Hyun. Love is patience, love is effort, love is trying. And those two will be okay.

#the eighth sense #the eighth sense the series #honestly wrote this at work and just grabbed the screenshots when i got home #had to tell my mom to stop watching for a second so i can grab the screenshots #i stopped her at a bad spot but oh well #anyway this was my brainrot while doing quite literally nothing at work today

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the-entity-down-the-street · 2 months

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Y'know it's been a hot minute since I made a post about witchcraft on this blog, and a lot has changed since my beginnings back in 2019, so I think it's time to share some thoughts.

MY MAGIC AND AUTISM:

One of my discord friends was talking about possibly being an empath, and at first I didn't say anything, but eventually I decided it'd be better to inform them that a lot of the "empath/indigo child/sensitive" stuff is just spiritual talk for neurodivergency.

I'm autistic myself, finally got diagnosed in 2022 a few days before my 25th birthday. My mom told me that we were empaths when I was growing up, that we were sensitive to the feelings of other people, and that's why we both ended up shouldering other people's problems. She tried to teach me how "block" energies, but that never really worked for me. In part, this is because it was an abusive household and there was no escape from the negativity, but that's not the point I'm trying to make.

As it turns out, there is a way to block negative energy, and it's called setting healthy boundaries with the people around you. Y'know, talking with your friends, making it clear when you don't have the energy to listen to them vent. If you have good friends, they'll be happy to listen and respect your wishes. If you don't, well, I cast the spell of "bye."

Having access to therapy, learning interpersonal skills, and (eventually) going on antidepressants was more helpful for getting rid of negativity than any amount of purifying crystals/blocking techniques.

In fact, getting my mental health in check allowed me to *really* start my spiritual journey! Parsing out what was in my head and what was really, genuinely mystical was crucial for my craft. I could talk more clearly with my tarot cards, I was more in-tune with the messages the universe was sending me, and things in my life finally started moving forward.

This brings me back to the autism diagnosis. Having the language and clarification about how I experience the world really allowed me to flourish magically. You know why? Because through understanding how my autism influences my perception, I could find my strengths.

For example, I'm really good at picking out patterns, and I tend to make sense of life through the lens of storytelling, so I have a tendency to see thematic elements that carry through in my life. One of my dearest friends from college said that I did everything with a "narrative flair," and that's because of my ability to find narrative patterns.

This leads into how I picked up pop culture witchcraft. My strong attachments to my favorite stories, as well as my proclivity for picking up on themes, makes it the perfect avenue for performing witchcraft. Now I'm a fully confident witch with strong personal proof that magic is real.

Basically, what I'm saying is, despite the pervasive ableism that conflates neurodivergency with spirituality, there is a healthy way to have both simultaneously, by understanding how one influences the other. It can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, as well as a deeper connection to the divine! Don't be afraid to be yourself, neurodivergent witches!

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rokhal · 5 months

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HOOLY SHIT we're back!

Turns out if I alternate taking one of my two antidepressants every other day I magically REGAIN THE ABILITY TO EXPERIENCE MOTIVATION without losing the mood-stabilizing effects of the drugs.

My theory is that daily use of reuptake inhibitors decreases neurotransmitter production and makes my brain unable to produce appropriate spikes in neurotransmitters in response to positive stimuli, but alternating one drug each day lets neurotransmitters deplete enough to stimulate endogenous production again without letting my emotional state go off the rails, plus I'm just that sensitive to drugs in general. (Wish they made smaller doses.)

Don't try this at home i am a professional 😎 who is rationing their medications because they waited too long to try to schedule a checkup

#it me #dear diary #pros of welbutrin: helps me stop fantasizing about throttling a certain former president #cons of welbutrin: i feel like i'm dead

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donnerpartyofone · 10 months

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I am not handling anxiety well. I may be experiencing a protracted spike due to (my circumstances and) this new asthma medication I'm still experimenting with, which at the recommended dosage gave me a panic attack so bad it took me out for an entire day. Antidepressants and anxiety meds all make me sick or make my ears ring so bad it makes me want to [redacted]. I don't like being stoned during the day or socially or while working on anything (even creative things), and I wouldn't say it always makes me less anxious anyway. I took a course in transcendental meditation but I could never get to a point with it where it really affected me. I've found other kinds of meditation I like more, but they also don't do much for my general state, they're more fun and interesting to me than therapeutic. Regular exercise doesn't make a noticeable difference in my daily mood (besides which we're out of space, which is why we're moving). I most often just reach for a drink when I can't handle something (unless I'm having a major depressive episode, then I don't want food or drink or drugs or anything). Alcohol is the only thing that depresses my nervous system enough for me to get through certain things. This is pretty dysfunctional. Based on the frequency and intensity of my drinking no one would say I have a "problem", but I know I'm doing something maladaptive. If I had stayed at my old job I would surely have drunk myself to death. I have to spend today going over these really complicated document notes and comparing them to a couple of older drafts to prepare my statements (defenses) for a really difficult meeting tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to get through the preparations or the meeting itself. I mean I'll do it, I have an often tyrannical sense of responsibility and I practically never just flake on things like this or do them half-assedly (which would scare me). Besides which the project has kinda been my life's work and I won't give up on it even if I absolutely feel like it. But I'm suffering under the worries of not knowing whether I can do the task successfully or whether I am Being Insane. I spent an hour and a half last night working on this email to my project partner, who is also a close friend, trying to explain what I'm anticipating with this, and also excusing the fact that I am possibly Being Insane. I got it as short and emotionally controlled as I could, and I'm sure he wouldn't be mad at me for such a thing, but I'm still worried that I can't really tell how acceptable my behavior is. Hilariously, I only convinced myself to write the email because my fucking horoscope told me not to be ashamed of making use of my relationships. In doing so I realized that in all my years of indulging, to varying degrees, in magical thinking, I never did anything specifically because my horoscope said it was a good idea. So, that's something. Maybe I'm not as far gone as I thought. Or maybe I'm only getting there NOW! Anyway I wish I had an Adderall. I am not a person who NEEDS Adderall, but I would really appreciate the intense focus and artificial confidence in completing tasks that it gave me when I tried it. If you're in my general area and you wanna give me an Adderall, I'll buy yuz a beer, or something. Fair warning though, I am possibly Being Insane!

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galunacycheckyourheadtour · 1 year

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Searching for Komorebi* Part 1 - Uncomfortably Numb I will be releasing my blog in two parts over the next couple of days. It is about my journey over the past 6 weeks; PMDD, fighting with medication based emotional blunting, taking control, getting back to nature, retreating at the retreat and coming out of my year long hibernation fighting. It's not all pretty, but it is real. 6 weeks ago

Have you ever looked at something you normally love, and felt nothing at all? Nothing. No feelings of happiness, joy, sadness, anger, frustration just nothingness. People who know me well, know that I am often tripping over because I am always staring/ taking photos at the sky or into the trees. I love looking at the way the sunlight catches in the leaves, the gnarled branches looking like skeleton hands reaching into a moody sky, a bird, a cloud formation, vapour trails, the moon and stars.

But one day that joy disappeared. I went to bed, and the next morning I woke up feeling l like I had been pinned to my mattress - like a semi-conscious butterfly in a display case. My brain was not working and I didn’t know what to do. But it was more than that. It was like, I didn’t even know what it was that I should be feeling or doing. The word I can only use to describe it, is that I flatlined. I was very tired so I just went back to sleep. Later, in the day, I forced myself up and I looked out of my window, at my beloved wisha washa tree and I felt absolutely nothing. I actually thought I might be dead and I could not even cry, so I pinched myself hard. Nope I was there, but not in a way I was used to.

This was not completely out of the blue. I had started new antidepressant medication for PMDD, and on the starter dose I had been doing ok, but this feeling was the day after the planned increase and now I have found out it is called emotional blunting.

I was told to keep going on the dose by the doctors, so I did as I was told. Apparently, I was going to hit a sweet spot at 6 weeks and that was going to be magic. For two weeks, I literally found no joy in anything at all. When I managed to get out of bed, I barely looked after myself, all my spiritual practices stopped, my Peloton got dusty, I came off all social media, I stopped talking to anyone except my mum and all I did was exist. When I was concerned with my progress, I spoke with the doctor and mental health team, who continued to say to persevere. They asked me the difficult, but normal question, about whether I had, had thoughts of hurting myself. I honestly answered, no - but I did wish I no longer existed or something outside my control could happen like a massive heart attack, or accident not involving anyone else - I would not mind disappearing. But I could not do it myself, in all honesty I didn't have the energy or the inclination to do that. Again, I just existed and stared into the distance, at nothing in particular not even wondering what the future was, because there didn't feel like there was a future - just a marking of time. The weirdest and most uncomfortable part, as I progressed with the medication, was that I felt like I was no longer in my body. I felt like a glitch and I was a 0.75 of an inch (yes it was that exact in my weird mind) slightly to the left. So I was never quite in alignment with my mind and my physical body, looking back at that feeling it feels like something out of a Cronenberg film, which kind of makes me laugh. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my counsellor and I have always made a pact with myself that I would drag myself to that appointment no matter what. So off I went and of course, she immediately got it. We discussed and she engaged me in a controversial discussion, just a chat about a topic which requires an opinion not anything about my condition or me (now I realise it was a counselling technique - she is clever) This brought me into my body and I found my words and my voice again. I was still around. I still had a brain. Thank goodness, it was just hidden in a sea of anti-depressant fog. I am forever grateful for that amazing warrior woman who has been beside me through all of this.

I went home and did a Moon Space and meditated, as best as I could, and I kept getting the same message 'I need to take control' - something was not right. So the next day, I went down to the smaller dose. I would rather feel everything than nothing. I did not want to just exist.

Gradually, I started to feel like my old self, I opened the curtains one day and the wisha washa tree had sunlight streaming through his branches, I heard a blackbird sing and it made me smile, I put my nose into my dogs big furry head and he smelt perfect - like home and the sea felt like magic again. I was lucky that as I started to feel better, I had a holiday booked to Aberdeenshire to be around my family. They were all incredible, and the land there is astonishing - the grasses moving in the wind, the fierce north sea, the abandoned castles and villages in the dunes and the landscape all brought me so much joy. So I rested, hugged my mum tight, went late night beach mooching with my brother, laughed with my sister-in-law, talked football and music with Sam and spent silly fun time with my favourite person in the world, my niece Elsie - she is pure sunshine. I came home exhausted, as I had gone from practical reclusion and silence to being around a house full of people, shouting and laughing, No matter what company I am in, I always feel like I have to be 'on' the whole time, but I didn't mind, because I was surrounded by love. I avoided questions about the future, jobs, life stuff but I was there and I was genuinely happy. So here I was back at home again, and I had to get used to being on my own again, in a bit of a strange head space. In a bizarre moment, the day after coming home, I took myself out for the afternoon and got drunk on my own. Looking back, I think I was just desperate to feel something. Although, I know that is more of a Dad Galunacy way of dealing with things, and after a hard stare at myself in the mirror the next day, and a chat, I don't intend on doing that again. I certainly do not want to become the lush at the end of a bar spouting bizarre stuff at anyone who will listen. So no... I decided to turn my head into the planning of attending my first ever retreat which was going to start in a couple of days. Something, I had carefully put to the back of my mind, to avoid the inevitable binge think and try to talk myself out of it. I made route plans, a playlist, booked a hotel and played a lot of Catan (because I am a mega gamer nerd and proud of it). I was doing more than existing, I had found some sort of spark of joy but I still felt uncomfortably numb... Tomorrow I will release the second part about the Resonant Lands Retreat. *Komorebi means “sunlight leaking through trees,” this word describes the beauty and wonder of rays of light dappling through overhead leaves, casting dancing shadows on the forest floor

#mental health #mental heath support #life story #creative writing #pmdd awareness #actually pmdd #depression #anxiety #emotionalblunting

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lets-talk-spirituality · 1 year

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I feel very lost. I don’t have a job a boyfriend or honestly any local friends because i’ve moved around a lot. The past 2.5 years have been so draining and lonely for me. I keep getting told it’s for my growth good is coming love coming soon but nothing ever happens. I genuinely haven’t felt true happiness since before the pandemic it makes me want to give up :(

Is anything -messages or guidance - coming up for me please?

Oh anon. I honestly vibe with this sentiment deeply as another vagabond soul. I hope you feel some community here. I think it’s important to hold onto the fact that you were happy once. You can achieve it again.

You may want to consider talking to a doctor to see about antidepressants. But I’m not a doctor so I can’t really give advice. Just a testament to how much my antidepressants have helped me. Anyway, let’s see what spirit has up their sleeve.

You cannot be lost until you are found. I know this sounds backwards to you, but most things you know are backwards. You must know and understand things all ways. It is the times we feel the most assured of our direction in life that we are truly lost. Why? Because we have believed the illusion that our life is to be controlled and forced by myself. Not that it is a collective effort by the many above and others on this earth with us. We are all creating energy that impacts your life.

When you feel most out of control and lost, that is when you are living closest to your truth. But your job is to learn to cultivate peace and acceptance in this unknown space. To grow confidence in the unknown. You may feel lonely but it’s because you are not seeing the multitudes within yourself, within the spaces around you. You have cut off pieces of yourself and that creates your loneliness. You need to reclaim the pieces you keep trying to discard as not good enough. Love them instead. They want to be seen and understood just like other things. You are a community unto yourself. How can you give to the many sides of you, how can you bring them together? This is your lesson. As you create community within, it reflects to community without. Happiness is never the goal because many humans feel happiness in a heightened way, not as contentment. Emotions can be magical and make us feel much, but humans always want the extremes. Try to find balance and peace.

Quote coming up: “Perhaps everything that frightens us, is in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love”

Card Pull— Work Your Light Oracle

Inner Temple— devotion, tune into the portal of your heart.

Birthing a New Age— birthing new creations. Dreaming a new world into being.

I feel like both these cards confirm what I channeled. With inner temple, it’s calling to you to love those discarded pieces. To heal your own inner temple. Temples aren’t always for lone contemplation, they are also a place of community and spirit is urging you to commune with energies within yourself and within the cosmic world around you. Your inner temple can lead you to many things.

All this that you are doing, being urged to do is part of a collective mission we are all engaging in around shifting the mindset around career. You are being asked to carry your energetic weight to shift the collective. You do this by working on yourself and coming to accept the unknown. The more we can exist in the unknown instead of following the known limited routes, the more we can birth a new age because our own minds will cease contributing to archaic collective patterns. But we must all do our individual part by focusing on our own mindset and through doing this, we light the way for others.

I hope this helps! Would love to know how or if this resonates. Wishing you all the luck ✨

#channeled message

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finsterhund · 1 year

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So a talk with my doctor revealed some things.

My ADHD meds are for the most part working as intended and I'm just understimulated and depressed. I need to work towards learning how to aim my brain and attention towards things efficiently. The meds aren't making me lack restraint or anything. Everything else is. Essentially the meds making me sit down and do extensive crying dog research for 12 hours is because that's what I "wanted" (consciously or not) to do. My meds aren't a miracle cure that will magically get me to sit down and work on things I have to work on they just give me the focus to work on things. Which is disappointing but I understand that. I was foolish to think otherwise tbh.

Self control as someone who's obsessive and has psychopathic mannerisms is obviously not my strong suit. We will be looking into switching my antidepressants and anti psychotics so that they mesh better with the mental ability my ADHD meds give me.

In hindsight this makes so much sense that the problem isn't the ADHD meds making me spend 12 hours a day on a special interest but is actually my brain's fault and the meds just allowed me to reach my true potential. Meds aren't going to "cure" who I am and how my brain works. So I need to train myself to have focus (Jedi time lol)

Also I was concerned because the meds were supposedly going to have the side effect of not being tired or able to sleep upon taking them but that didn't happen to me and I could still fall asleep and have depression naps so I thought the meds weren't working. But turns out that's a side effect for people without ADHD. And that having ADHD I can sleep regardless and tiredness is based on what my brain is doing. So the pharmacist shouldn't have told me that they would keep me up and alert because my ADHD, why I'm taking the meds in the first place, makes me different and immune to that. I thought the meds weren't working but now I realize otherwise.

ADHD meds causing my ADHD to not limit my other issues is something I really should have expected. I spoke to other people and they said medicating their ADHD made them have to raise doses of other stuff too. Guess I should have talked around. I was so focused on my ADHD and the meds for ADHD that I didn't factor into it that I don't just have ADHD. There's PTSD and depression and allegedly BPD and maybe autism we still don't know about that and everything else under the sun and I'm grieving and blah blah blah.

I just got worried when I was spending so much time doing internet research but the issue is that I just need to learn to not go all obsessed with everything.

Again, it is disappointing that I can't just take meds and solve all my problems because I don't think I'm able at the present time for significant self improvement because I just want to curl up and die because Cazza isn't here on most days. But whatever.

Again, hindsight is 2020 and of course if I have nothing going for my life and no motivation when I get my ADHD meds I'm going to put my newfound brain power into something stupid but important to me like ripping the internet apart looking for more crying dogs. Foolish as I was for thinking the unmedicated ADHD was the issue with me not wanting to play games or write or draw when it's the fact that my service dog is dead and my disability prevents me from leaving the house on my own making me depressed as fuck that's sapped any and all desire to do anything but research and mope.

Shit life syndrome or whatever. I just wish there was a way to fix it. Therapy again perhaps but phone psychiatrist appointments did not help. Phone therapist appointments did not help. Maybe now that covid is less an issue I can have in person again but gotta find the strength to make phone calls and shit ugh.

My doctor told me I gained weight since last we met which was upsetting to me. But again. My service dog is dead and I don't have a will to live of course I'm eating for pleasure and also can't afford healthy stuff. Once my surgery is done and I'm recovered I'm going to the gym again though. So there's that.

Still no word on that by the way. I was hoping they'd schedule me sooner rather than later.

Also the medicine that's a pain in the ass to take I have to keep taking and I'm upset about that. I have neglected it and I have no stickers in my planner book I'm so sad I'm a failure. Anyways.

Roommate "wants help with bills" again this month of course. But this time he told me today, when I get paid, so it's not being sprung on me surprise again. Still annoying as all hell. He was like "oh maybe I could pay you back with art" but motherfucker I haven't had the desire to commission art since Cazza died that's yet another thing that lost its value to me now that the love of my life is fucking gone I don't know when that'll come back either.

The things in life that gave me purpose and reason and enjoyment are all bitter grey sawdust to me now that she's gone. I wish I knew when that would stop. It's really painful. Again, going back to my ADHD meds. That's the problem. Not the meds. The meds help my ADHD be manageable they won't fix the fact that life is pain and suffering and I miss my baby girl and everything just feels futile and pointless now.

Roommate wants to do group cosplay where he's Obi-Wan and I'm Anakin but 1. I wanted to be Obi-Wan (lol) and 2. I don't have the motivation to get a cosplay together. I don't even have motivation for my ANDY COSPLAY. THAT'S MY FUCKING LIFE I LOVE THAT SHIT. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BEING ANDY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. THERE WAS A TIME BEFORE CAZZA BUT THAT'S SO ALIEN TO ME AT THIS POINT!!!!!?????

But there's a convention around the time that I should be getting my surgery at the latest (just my luck it will be then) so I don't even know if I'll be able to. I'm thinking about how I didn't go to conventions last couple years because Cazza was sick and I stayed home to take care of her it feels weird and not possible that I can go to conventions now because my brain is still programmed to stay home to take care of her.

I miss her so fucking much man. I hate this.

I really related to today's episode of the Bad Batch where Omega was missing Echo but expressed that by being upset the ship got stolen. Because that's exactly how my brain works. I guess it makes sense because my brain is a literal child.

In my extensive search for the crying dog I basically went through a hundred years of sears catalogs (yeah I told you didn't I?) And it gave me such a respect for vintage stuff and a more understanding of how stuff progressed I guess.

It feels stupid to say but part of me wishes I could have been raised in the stupid 1950s American dream suburb white picket fence boy wearing a striped shirt with a bicycle nuclear family picture perfect magazine ass childhood. You know. I wish my life could have been a Rockwell painting sometimes. I should be grateful I was born in the 90s and got the internet and shit but idk I just wish I got one of those magical "good families" that only ever seemed to have existed in fiction to me. The 50s weren't a good time to be a minority and there was the looming threat of nuclear war and all that shit but the advertisement photos look so cozy. I crave that normalcy I guess. I need to understand that even a good childhood didn't resemble those superficial staged photos.

Maybe dreaming about a 50s childhood is an improvement from my desires to be a caveman. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. I think the underlying issue is that I wish I was raised being wanted and loved and with security and a sense of community. Blah blah blah.

To be honest Anakin being a whiny brat with issues and a violent underlying darkness makes more sense for me to cosplay because that's me lol.

This I realize is a massive rambling and all that shit but idk. I just know people want updates on my life to know I'm okay.

I guess I am okay. I'm getting by at least. Grieving and inflation are my biggest issues. I'm so mad the cost of living keeps going up but my disability income hasn't changed since covid started. Man fuck.

Wish I could have my own place. I want a nice little farmhouse cottage sorta shit with an upstairs bedroom with slanted ceiling and my own living room and a yard and blah blah blah.

The ADHD meds confusion is starting to be funny to me now. It absolutely lets me stay focused on what I set out to do. It's just something that wasn't responsible or advisable to have chosen in the first place.

I am going to try to force myself into focusing on actually making crying dogs. Or playing a game. I don't know what caused me to stop making the dogs this time. Working with the felt was so good maybe I had issues with the actual fabric. Who knows.

I think that's everything. I'll try to update more.

#text post #negative #long post #vague spoilers

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hallow-witxh · 3 years

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Ok so I've heard before that people can use witchcraft to work alongside their medications, I was wondering if you knew some tips on how to do that? If it's of any importance I wish to use this to on my antidepressants. Also I don't have many crystals and what I do I'm still working on identifying. Also something broom closet friendly. Please and thank you.

Also I really appreciate all the helpful tips I've seen on your blog they really help.

First of all, this is a really great question, and I love how you phrased it so politely. Thank you for not coming into my ask box and raging hell like so many others. If you don't mind, I'll be using your question as a post!

Witchcraft can be a helpful little friend when it comes to helping along medications and therapies, so let's talk about the safety aspect of it first. If you're planning on eating, drinking, or consuming any kind of herbal/magical/spell-like substance, ask your prescriber about what to avoid while taking medications. For example, I take Zoloft, and Zoloft shouldn't be taken with L-tryptophan supplements because it can cause issues. I also take Prazosin for nightmares, and shouldn't drink alcohol on it due to... you guessed it, various health concerns.

That being said, let's get down to business. My favorite way to incorporate witchcraft into my therapy/med routine are kitchen spells! I'll give you a few recipes, and then a list of ideas for you to research that don't involve cooking/recipes as well.

Apple Cider. Not only is it super effective, but it make your house smell amazing and they usually taste amazing too. Making Apple Cider is a great was to bring a warm, fuzzy feeling to yourself! It's super easy too: check out my Apple Cider post from yesterday (you can find it by searching Apple Magic or Apple Cider on my blog). Most of the herbs are very love and luck centered, so it's a great way to bring some self love into your home.

Strawberry self-love spell. This one is also one of my own, and it's super delicious and easy. It can be made into a number of things: drinks, cakes, oatmeal, etc. Here's the link to that post.

Herbal teas and drinks. Lots of common kitchen spices are great to help invoke self-love! Cloves, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, and nutmeg are all wholesome herbs and spices to incorporate into these drinks. One of my favorite self-love drinks is very easy to make: a cup of steaming hot milk/milk replacement, a decent shake of each spice, and a tablespoon or two of sugar with a splash of vanilla makes a delicious, warm drink that soothes the soul and invoked self-kindness.

Here are a few other ideas for you to dig into:

Incorporate herbs that invoke love, healing, and happiness into your food

Make lots of bottles of moon water and challenge yourself to drink one every day. Hydration AND a spiritual boost!

Add lemon to your water every morning to help increase your energy and focusing levels. Stir clockwise!

Create a small spell jar with love-invoking herbs and carry it with you or put it in your bag. I recommend not using wax to seal it if you do, though. Use a screw-cap jar if you need to.

Juniper and rosemary smoke cleanse! Juniper banishes negative energies and well as invites good energies. Rosemary also invoked wellness, healing, and good energies.

Frequently cleanse your space, juniper or not. An easy cleanse spray is sea salt mixed with moon water, then a very light spray around your space. Remember to sweep/mop or vacuum often when you use that, especially if you have pets!

Light pink or red candles to invoke self-love

I also want to say this again, so everyone say it with me: witchcraft doesn't replace therapy and medications. One more time, with gusto! Witchcraft doesn't replace therapy and medications!

Good job!

And that wraps up this post! Good luck y'all, stay safe and blessed be! :)

Tips and Commissions: Ko-Fi

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darkacademicfrom2021 · 3 years

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The Dark Team (part 5 S2)

<<Previous part Masterlist Next part>>

Warnings: abductions, kidnapping, forced unconsciousness, electroshocks (non explicit).

A/N: Listen. Listen. The chronologies... we already knew those were weird in this story and we accepted that. Now, we have to also accept the whole multiverse thingy being even more weird, because, yes, I'm mentioning OSCORP. Let's deal with it like mature people *screams into abyss of no return*.

“Your dirty little secret? Oh, come on. You gotta be kidding!”, exclaimed Steve, slamming the table. He immediately looked at you, “I’m sorry”.

He said sorry because it was three in the morning, Narfi was sound asleep and you all kept bickering about the coded message. You had peeped in your room several times, only to find, the first two times, Loki and your son reading in silence, each his own book, both neatly tucked under the same weighted blanket and Narfi's head resting on his father's shoulder. The third time, Narfi was asleep and Loki kept reading. The fourth, Narfi was all alone in the king-sized bed and Loki wasn't there. But he hadn't joined the meeting either.

Nobody could figure out what the dirty little secret was, and they all thought it was something Tony did. Like, you know, selling weapons.

“It’s okay, Steve. Listen, this is getting nowhere. And Loki should be here by now, where did you send him?”.

“I didn’t send him, he just… he said he needed to do something that had something to do with… could he have mentioned an old tutor?”, said Bucky, and you furrowed your brows.

“Is he in Asgard, now?”.

“I guess”.

You took your phone out, and tried to call him again, but he didn’t answer. There wasn't any phone signal in Asgard. Why would he go in there without saying anything?

“Look, all I’m saying is, the message was through JARVIS, and you’re the one with the most filthy secrets in here”, said Thor.

“Are you serious?”, spat Tony, pointing at Bucky. “This one was a hydra assassin”, pointing at Natasha “this one is an assassin”, pointing at Thor “we have no idea what’s going on with your thousand and half long life”, and finally pointing at you “there are no records whatsoever of anything you’ve done before my internship. So, no. I’m not the only one with the dirty secrets here. And, by the way, they’re dirty but public”.

“Yes. The billions you’ve won by selling weapons are very well known”.

“Shut your mouth”.

“Listen, this will get us nowhere. We could be in danger if we don't do something about this so if anyone is under any little suspicion of what a dirty secret they could be cultivating, this is the time to say it", you mediated, still calling Loki and getting directly to the voicemail.

"What could we possibly be having, Y/n?", asked Bruce tiredly.

"Any weird and innovative lab experiment? Something that could be used as a weapon? A disease? A cure? A mutation? Anything?", and you stopped on your words immediately. "Oh, no". As you opened your eyes widely, about to run to Narfi's room, Loki picked up the phone and you put it on speaker, pausing your fear. "Love! Where are you?".

Silence. Silence in the whole room, and a flickering light kind of sound. And then the unmistakable sound of a bad microphone on the other line, white noises, whispers to which you couldn't figure out the words.

"It's easy, really", said a rusty voice from the other side of the line. Everyone put on their best panic faces. You could feel your heartbeat on your throat. Not again. Not goddamn again, someone kidnapped one of you. This wasn't the kind of mission you wanted to join to get back on your feet. "You give us what we want, Mr. Stark, and we give you the man".

You looked at Tony and he huffed in frustration. He opened his mouth to speak, but on the background of the call you could hear Loki's unimpressed voice,

"The God. I'm not a man".

"Loki, are you okay? Can you hear me? Where are you?", you tried.

"I'm okay. These idiots think that they can…", he began saying, but a buzzing noise cut him off, along with a muffled screaming and something you figured was an electroshock took him out of the conversation.

"What do you want?", asked Stark. "Who are you?".

"We want money, Mr. Stark. A lot of it, to found our project", explained the voice. "And the other thing we need for the project. We could do with this one, but I'm sure you could give us a better sample".

"What is he talking about, Tony?".

"You think you can be more specific, dear?", asked Tony, losing his patience.

"Imagine a supersoldier, a superior being like that, but with ice powers, Mr. Stark. A man that's a mortal weapon itself", explained the kidnapper. "This one is particularly alright. But we will need a lot of him".

"What are you saying?".

"The frost giant. We want his blood".

They cut the conversation and Bucky grabbed your shoulder as you began to panic.

"Y/n, before jumping to this mission you should leave Narfi with someone strong enough to protect him", intervened Thor. You looked at him and sighed.

"Fine. Loki can't hear a word of this, alright?".

"Let it in my hands. I'll also ask Heimdall", he assured you and you squeezed his hand.

"Thank you", you told him, and traced the call. You did it in a few minutes and walked to Narfi’s room, to tell him where he would go. You wondered how you’d keep him calm. Usually Loki is the one that brought calmness to the situations, and this time around you had to be the one to keep calm and manage it all. You also wondered if he was capable of escaping on his own or if the kidnappers knew who they were dealing with and got him too restrained to run. Electroshocks. Loki’s weakness (anyone’s, really), so you guessed they knew better.

You knocked on Narfi’s door and he let you in with a flick of his wrist. Purple lights around the door made it disappear and he shifted his expressions from panic to disappointment really quickly.

“I’m so sorry, I…”, he began, but you walked hurriedly to him.

“Don’t worry about it, Narfi. Listen”, you said, and kneeled in front of him to reach his own height. You grabbed his tiny hand, and he paid close attention. “Daddy’s in trouble, and uncle Buck and I are going to help him come back home, alright? He’s fine, you don’t need to worry”, you explained the best you could.

“Can I come with, please, please? Daddy taught me things that could be useful, please?”.

“Don’t you wanna go with grandma, better?”, you smiled at him, hoping he’d accept and you wouldn’t have to take him against his wishes, “come on, darling, she wants to teach you some new tricks”.

Narfi smiled at those words and you sighed in relief.

“How long are you gonna take?”.

“I’m not sure. Couple of days at most”.

“Is daddy on a mission?”.

“Yeah”.

“Is he winning?”.

“I’m sure he is”.

“Is he cutting people with his new dagger?”.

“What do you mean new dag… wait, no, he’s not… hurting anyone, alright? Just… pack your things”.

“I hope he someday teaches me to throw knives like him”.

“Pack your toothbrush!”, you said from the door, and whispered to yourself, “dear Lord, I’m not letting Loki train at his sight again”.

As you left his room for him to get ready, you hurried your steps to meet the team. You tripped and fell over with someone’s leg. When you got up, hurting from the hit, you realized you tripped over Steve’s unconscious body. Looking around, the whole team seemed to have passed out completely.

“JARVIS!”, you called, your voice less calm than you would’ve liked to.

“Yes, Mx. Y/n?”.

“‘Yes, Mx. Y/n?’ What the hell happened here? Take their vitals!”, you rushed to Tony’s side and took his pulse. He seemed asleep. Just in case, you covered your nose and mouth with your sleeve.

“According to my database, they all seem to be in perfect condition. There might be some sort of a substance in the air. Should I alert Mr. Laufeyson as he comes back?”.

“Oh, God”, you realized.

Narfi.

You ran up to his room, knocking everything on your way to him. But as you didn’t even need to open an invisible door, you realized he wasn’t there. The room was completely empty.

Half an hour passed, and in the middle you ran all the way around the Tower, trying to unsuccessfully find your son hiding somewhere. But no, you were sure. You had already some theory of what could’ve happened to him and where he could be. And you didn’t like that idea at all. Oh, no. You much rather the Allfather keeping him forever than the alternative.

You poured a bit of the chemical mix you managed to prepare despite your trembling hands on the room’s vaporizer, and everyone began slowly recovering consciousness. Tony coughed up a blue liquid, and looked at it without much clue of what happened.

“Amitriptyline”, you told him, and he furrowed his brows. “In this dosage can make saliva blue, besides urine”, you explained what he hadn’t asked.

“But what for? I’m not depressed”.

“It’s for blocking whatever you’ve been given to get passed out. I know their tricks”, you vaguely explained, but, in all honesty, you really did not want to explain why you knew antidepressants blocked the effects of that substance.

“Their? What just happened?”.

“Where is my brother?!”, beamed Thor, ready to guilt him on it.

“This is not on Loki”, you said, taking a notepad out of your pocket and scribbling down some things while Bucky, Steve, Sam, Tony and Natasha got up and approached you cautiously. Thor began looking up, still trying to figure out if there was any of his brother’s magic involved. “They took Narfi. We have to act quickly, alright?”.

“Oh God, you’re not serious”, said Bucky, lowering his voice.

“They said… they said they wanted Loki’s blood”, recalled Natasha. “Loki’s blood, his heir. Not his actual blood”, she realized. You nodded.

“They want to mix human DNA with Jötun DNA and do that weird icy supersoldier mix, that terrible idea. That’s why they wanted Loki, to get his pure Jötun cells, and then get Narfi, to see how the chromosome pairs work. They want to experiment with my child”, you blurted out with your heart on your chest. “This, this right now, is an important mission. So we all better do this right now”.

“Wait, so what’s your plan of approach? Go to whatever place you think they are and go get them?”, said Steve. “I know you’re stressed and you have every right to be, but think. We need a plan”.

“We don’t need a plan, we need action, right now”, you said, unrecognizable words coming out of your mouth.

“Y/n”, mediated Tony. “Listen. We’ll figure it out. Rest of the team, to my office. You stay here and do not move even a hair, you hear me? You’re in no condition to get on board with this. Let us do this and you can help from a distance”.

“No way. There is no way you’re leaving me out of rescuing my own son”.

“Exactly because it’s your kid we’re talking about. Listen, a surgeon can’t operate on their own child. No, no. Don’t argue with me. Close your mouth. Barnes, make sure they don’t do anything stupid, wouldn’t you?”.

And with that, he left.

You and Bucky stayed in silence for about ten seconds, fidgeting with the notepad you had in between your fingers, ready to tear it to pieces out of anxiousness. After that, you said,

“Rescuing my child is not doing something stupid, right?”.

He shrugged and huffed out.

“I guess not. What’s your plan?”.

“Where would you go if you were a kidnapper with a very important child to perform very illegal experiments?”.

“I… don’t know”.

“I do”.

“What?”.

“Remember when you asked what my major was?”.

“Yes...?”.

“I… well, before the stark internship I worked in a very… odd place, it made experiments. Genetic experiments. The famous OSCORP, you know the place. They were the ones doing all the spider shit and Peter got bit by a spider in there. I worked there, and there was something that… never added up. The experiments grew worse and worse, more immoral, more dangerous. I couldn’t take them anymore and I left without leaving a trace of me in the public eye. Or so I thought”.

“You think your kid might be in OSCORP?”.

“I’m afraid so”.

“No more waiting then, let’s get the motorbike”.

“Shouldn’t we alert the team?”.

“What, so they can go by themselves, without you, without a plan and without your knowledge about that place? Besides, Loki is already in there, right?”.

“You’re the voice of reason, sometimes, Barnes”, you said, tossing him a pair of keys and his jacket. And with that, you two headed to OSCORP without warning.

(Taglist: @lucywrites02 , @louieboo87 @the-departed-potato , @jesuswasnotawhiteman , @idontknow296 , @beksib , @spythoschei , @geekwritersworld , @whatafuckingdumbass , @mysticunicorn7 @shadowolf993 , @joscelyn02 , @t00-pi , @selfship-mishaps , @sallymagnoliaposts , @deadgirl88 , @theonewiththenerds , @vicmc624 , @spiderlaufeyson )

#Loki #loki fic #loki fanfic #loki series #loki oneshot #loki laufeyson #loki x y/n #loki x you #loki laufeyson x you #loki x reader #loki x gn reader #loki laufeyson x reader #loki imagine #loki ragnarok #the dark team season 2 #the dark team #bucky barnes #tony stark #iron man

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wh0reafied · 3 years

Text

MY JOURNEY-

I went to the hospital the first time because i thought i had a tooth infection and was dying. I spent the whole time in a bed crying and wanting to run out of the hospital. I got prescribed antibiotics. They didn’t really make anything better, i convinced myself i was having a deadly allergic reaction to them. I developed vertigo, which i could only believe was caused by a deadly condition- i still believe it is.

I stayed up for days, waking my boyfriend up begging him to call 911. He had to work very early in the mornings- for this i felt bad he had to endure me freaking out. I was feeling my heart being squeezed, like there was a million bricks on my chest- this i knew was a heart attack and i was going to die (or so i believed while feeling this way). I’ve never felt such a feeling in my chest before.

Second trip to the hospital, i rushed through the doors in tears and screaming “help me” “i’m having a heart attack”: of course they didn’t believe me, i had to be seated away from the waiting room because i was scared to be in public like this. The nurse, very kindly sat me down and took my vitals- they were perfect. This is when she explained to me what’s really going on- i’m having panic attacks. After hearing this, the feeling in my chest i had for probably weeks now, magically went away. I felt okay for maybe a few days.

I decided i needed to go back to my moms and get help from the hospital there and be with my family. I couldn’t put the stress any longer on my boyfriend. I stayed over a month in princeton. This is when i started having dissociation. I spent so long thinking i am dying that my body has went into survival mode to protect myself. I started to feel not real. I started to have a feeling that i’m not in my own body, rather watching from a distance. My memories don’t feel like mine.

This is the most scariest feeling, that i would never wish on anybody. it was 24/7. I started taking Zoloft (antidepressant). I went to the hospital over and over. I was convinced I had something very wrong in my brain. My doctor- who’s the most kindest, ordered me a head CT to give me some peace of mind. Of course everything was normal. So what could it be? I got into a vicious cycle of spending literally my whole time awake googling. Every. Single. sensation. in. my. body. I googled it.

I convinced myself- i was SO sure i had glaucoma. There was no doubt in my mind, i was going to go blind. I went to the eye doctor, had a whole check up. Everything is perfect, don’t even need glasses! So what else could it be? More googling.

I stopped going outside, i developed agoraphobia. Going outside is so intense for me, I sometimes can’t even open the door because of my derealization (not thinking i’m real). Some days i can’t even feel my own body. i can’t recognize my own house, it doesn’t feel familiar. Every day i wish this would go away. Its so messed up being so scared you’re going to die but not wanting to live anymore because of being so scared all the time.

Fast forward to now, about 6 months later. I’m awaiting a MRA to be done of my brain and spine, because im now convinced i have a brain aneurysm. I spent my days crying and thinking im going to die any second. I don’t know why this is happening to me- but with the pandemic this is happening to a lot of people.

Health anxiety is very real. Anxiety is very real. it’s not just feeling nervous to go to an interview. it’s thinking you’re dying. it’s feeling REAL symptoms in your body- symptoms you would NEVER think anxiety could cause.

I don’t know why i really wrote all this out for the world, maybe to get it off my chest what i’ve been going through. Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read this. A huge thank you to everyone who’s continuing to help me get better. I’m sorry to the friends that call and i ignore you- it’s not you it’s me. i’m sorry to everyone that i’ve caused a whole load of stress to. I hope i find myself again and overcome this mental illness.

If you’re going through mental health issues- please reach out and get help. Don’t let it develop into something big and nasty. I wish i didn’t drown mine with unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s hard for me to believe i’m not sick psychically- only mentally.

#derealization #dereality #panic attack #panic disorder #health anxiety #mental disorder #mental health #generalized anxiety disorder #diagnosed #yourenotalone

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bakuraryxu · 3 years

Text

talking about meds and stuff unsolicited opinions (especially from [redacted] people!!!!) are NOT welcome unless its to tell me how cool i am for doing stuff about my health

like.... its not a magic weight loss drug. its just like.... accelerating everything i already do. watching my diet is still boring but its easier now. i dont feel like im missing out quite so much. its like the obsessive part of my brain doesnt latch onto chocolate and junk food and sweets like it did before where it felt like my throat was cut if i didnt have something yummy right then and there. ive had a block of choccies in the cupboard for a week bc im only eating a few squares every other day because it tastes good. not because i feel like i need it.

exercising is easier too. it used to drain me and leave me more fatigued than usual. i see an exercise physiologist who promised me regular exercise would raise my base level of energy and he was a FUCKING liar. not on purpose or anything, my stupid idiot brain and body just refused to feel anything other than fatigue and trepidation at the thought of working out.

its like the perfect balance between appetite reduction and giving energy. im waking up around 6am and going for walks. its so easy to avoid snacks, a tiny amount of chocolate satisfies me, i havent had any intense cravings ....yet.... and god willing, i wont. its been 6 days and the first couple days i didnt feel anything, just dizzy and lightheaded and cranky. i get to watch the sunrise bc i get up so early. i walk my dog around a busy neighbourhood lake and i socialise with strangers who are also out walking their dogs and its great.

Before my biggest issue was my never-ending appetite. it didnt matter how much i ate, or how well (i see a nutritionist he assured me my nutrition is pretty good), i was constantly hungry. now im not. its not total appetite suppression for me i describe it more like a dampening effect. i get kinda hungry, i go eat a salad or whatever the fuck, and im satisfied for a couple hours. like on god. this is so ALIEN for me. and its great! i still drink coffee but because i like the taste, not because i feel like ill die without the caffeine boost.

this legal speed stuff is insane i totally get why people do meth now like ive thoguht abt it in the past bc the idea of not sleeping for days is so crazy but anyway.

its phentermine not amphetamines but anyway im loving it lmaoooooo like i feel normal. i feel so normal its insane. i can wake up and feel normal and i have energy, not even like. excessive. i just HAVE energy, which i never really had before? the fatigue fucking sucked the life out of me but atm im in a good place like mentally and getting there physically. im sore all over from working out, whcih ive done almost every day this week. im being social. im thriving. im losing weight. hopefully im building lean muscle mass too.

wish i took a before photo. im still extremely overweight but i know im slimming down and i feel great and cute and good looking. to reach a healthy weight i have like. so any kgs to go .... but u know. i dont know how much i believe these ideal weight bmi things, like i just cnanot conceptualise what i would look like if i was that slim??? and i havent weighed that much since i was a child. we’ll see what happens. this week was pretty easy all things considered, i hope i can keep it up.

so far my biggest side effect complaints are cotton mouth and irritability (see gif for example). its not a constant thing but i do think im more aggressive than usual? im ready to start biting people. oh also the insomnia i guess but these three things... could be for any reason. not just the drugs. its impossible to say. im not unfamiliar with dry mouth and trouble sleeping from antidepressants ive taken in the past lol.

#i guess this is the ramblings of a crazy person but really its me enthusing about how great i feel #discussion of weight loss and medication. idk if that triggers any of you people but theres the warning just in case #i have never felt so. neurotypical. lmao #BIGGEST complaint tho is the pharmacist told me id probably get a little high.#bc most peopl who take it get that. i have no hgih. where is my little high. :(#please dont tell me that headrush was it lmao that was awful

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nanoland · 3 years

Text

new chapter (hellblazer fic)

(earlier parts are here; whole thing is here)

The Cave, part 10

John Constantine + The First of the Fallen, gen fic (for now), no warnings

‘In the desert,’ John thought, unsure quite why, ‘I saw a creature.’

Nicotine withdrawal was becoming a problem.

So was exhaustion.

His feet told him he’d been walking over uneven rock for around six hours – which couldn’t be right, surely? – while his brain had that sludgy feeling that usually resulted from forty-eight hours without sleep – and that was definitely wrong because he’d been dead recently enough that the blood was still drying on his trenchcoat, and dead was basically the same as being asleep.

To make matters worse, he was overdue to take his antidepressants, hidden in one of his trench’s seven secret pockets. Hated swallowing them dry, was the thing, and he didn’t have a cup of tea or glass of water to hand.

And then there was this arsehole to contend with.

“I’m following the example set by blessed Saint Anthony,” he told John insistently, clutching his shoulders. “You know, of course, that he went into the desert.”

“Did he, now?”

“Indeed! To purify himself. To get closer to God the Almighty, praise His name.”

Leaning against the cave wall, the First of the Fallen rolled his eyes.

‘Naked, bestial, squatting upon the ground’, John thought, the rest of the poem coming to him in drips and drabs.

He rubbed grit from his left eye. “Saint Anthony. Desert. Demons. Right, I remember. Legenda Aurea. Jacobus de Varagine. Wise old Ant took up the life of a holy hermit – settled down a million miles from civilisation and survived off grass and rainwater.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Foregoing nutrition and bodily hygiene is an entirely necessary step in reconnecting with the Creator,” the First of the Fallen mused. “John, I’ll be honest; this person bores me. Would you mind terribly if I killed him?”

“Shut up. Where was I? Yeah, Anthony was attacked by demons and he ran to hide in a cave. They followed him in and beat the shit out of him. His friends dragged him out and patched him up, whereupon the infuriating shit announced that he’d be going back in to let the demons beat the shit out of him some more.”

The First of the Fallen chortled and clapped. “Splendid! Another essential element of piety; masochism.”

“Will you shut it? Anyway, then God finally pulled his finger out and made the demons flee. Anthony asked where the fuck he’d been earlier and God said, basically, that he’d wanted to wait and see if Anthony would chicken out or not. Which… yeah, that’s about what I’ve come to expect.”

How did the rest go? Right: ‘I saw a creature, naked and bestial, who, squatting upon the ground, held his heart in his hands. And ate of it.’

The artist prodded the would-be saint’s shoulder, making him yelp. “In God’s name! Who are you? What are you?”

She said something that the First of the Fallen translated as, “Why do you smell so awful?”

At that, the saint scowled. “I am punishing my sinful flesh by shunning earthly pleasures and indulgences. If God wishes me dirty, then I shall be dirty.”

The First of the Fallen translated that, then translated her reply as, “‘You are utterly mad. Please remain at a distance.’ I must say, John, I agree. Of all my Father’s sycophants, none ever annoyed me half so much as the ascetics.”

John shrugged. “Eh. More palatable than a lot of holy rollers, if you ask me. I’ll take a brainsick, grubby lad like this over a fashy grifter running a megachurch any day. What’s your name, kid?”

“Edmund.”

“And these demons who were bothering you… are they still here? Can you point ‘em out to me?”

“No. They disappeared when I laid eyes on you. That’s why I assumed you were angels.”

“Yes, well, much as I’d like to take credit for that, Eddie, and contrary to popular opinion, demons don’t actually turn tail at the sight of me. More often these days, they point and laugh. And I’m not really getting a whiff of anything infernal, save for His Nibs over there. I think you might have hallucinated ‘em, mate. Understandable. Stuck down here with no food, water, or company, hell, my brain would start to make its own entertainment too.”

The First of the Fallen stretched. “For my part, I certainly wouldn’t ask a single one of my minions to waste their time tormenting an inconsequential little wretch like you.”

“Jesus, you – would you back off?” John shouted, overprotective and aware of it, feeling his face contort into a snarl.

Stupid. The bastard was only doing it to rile him up. He knew that. He’d known it for decades.

Only perhaps not, because the temperature dropped and the air grew thin. Many-limbed shadows danced along the cave walls as John’s nemesis seemed to grow a metre. The stink of butchered meat swelled in his nostrils.

Then it was over. Scowling, the First of the Fallen tossed his hair back like a sulky diva and stalked away, grumbling, “Fine. Enjoy your fascinating new friends.”

The artist watched him leave, eyebrows high, then shook her head, said something derisive-sounding, and opened up the goatskin pouch she wore at her waist. From it, she withdrew a handful of nuts and berries. These were presented to the saint and to John with a two-word sentence; evidently an instruction.

Eyes narrowed, the saint whispered to John, “Has this female been sent to… to test me?”

“Eat your nuts and don’t be a twat, there’s a good lad,” John muttered.

He left them to get better acquainted and wandered after the First.

Upon finding him pacing with his arms tight across his chest a little way down the tunnel, he said, “‘Is it good, friend?’”

The First of the Fallen snorted. “‘It is bitter – bitter.’”

“‘But I like it,’” John continued, smirking. “‘Because it is bitter.’”

“‘And because it is my heart,’” they finished together.

John leaned against the cave wall. “Gimme a ciggie.”

“Bloody addict,” he muttered, snapping his fingers. They appeared in his left hand and he chucked them John’s way.

John lit up, conscious of hungry yellow eyes watching him, and sucked in a gorgeous lungful before exhaling with a borderline-indecent sigh. (Pretended not to notice how the First’s throat bobbed.)

“So how many memories do we think this cave has?”

“Hundreds. Thousands. I can smell them everywhere. Those two just happen to be among the most visible, probably because they were stupid enough to become deeply emotionally attached to this ghastly place.”

“It’s one of them locations what acts like ghost flypaper, then? Hmm. And my dicking about with magic got it all discombobulated and upset.”

“Most likely.”

“It’s probably not that inclined to let me out, then. Which would explain why we’ve been walking for ages and haven’t reached daylight.”

“Indeed.”

“But you could leave. If you wanted to. Highly doubt some grumpy old hole in the ground has the power to imprison you.”

“I could, yes.”

“Haven’t, though. Why’s that?”

“Constantine, the day I feel compelled to explain my actions to you is the day I willingly surrender my crown to Nergal and settle comfortably into the grave.”

John laughed, walked up to him, took the cigarette from his lips, and offered it. “The day you need to is the day I settle in right alongside you.”

Nose wrinkling, he took it and gave it an experimental suck. Then he made a face, smoke spilling from his lips, before handing it back. “Revolting.”

“Eh. Acquired taste.”

#hellblazer #john constantine #first of the fallen #constantine #fanfic #my fic

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tomdutch · 3 years

Note

yayyy i’m so happy i know you’ve been going back and forth on it but i hope this month will go good for you!! i want to go on meds for my social anxiety and i’ve been talking it over w my therapist and i think it might be a good idea and i necessarily don’t need my moms permission but i want to know what she thinks because her opinion means a lot to me and she works in the medical field but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea but i’m really suffering w my mental health and anxiety and with school opening up again it is just terrifying

thank youuuu ahhh you’re so kind 🥺 also twinsies my mum also works in the medical field and was against me going on any sort of medication at first, but when she saw how badly affected i was earlier this month to the point where i was waking her up with my night terrors, not eating or sleeping and just unable to get out of bed or to stop panic attacks, she start supporting my decision to consider antidepressants.

before i took the first pill today, i actually facetimed her since she was at work and told her how scared i was of taking it. but she was super supportive and told me that i should do it, that it’ll help me and she was there with me on the phone as i did it. personally, i really think you should have a proper sit down with your mum and explain to her as calmly as you can why you think you need to take meds and tell her that you won’t do anything before consulting a doctor. you can also offer her the chance to come with you to the doctor’s, but tell her you’re taking an appointment to learn abt meds regardless. tell her you’d be glad to have her tag along and to have her support on something this important to you. i hope she comes around and i hope you get to talk to a doctor abt your anxiety :’)

i know it’s not much just to read this, but i was terrified of going back to campus too. this fear was the cause of so many panic attacks since may, including one that led to a complete meltdown in august that then snowballed into the worst week and a half of my entire life. but i went yesterday. i got my bag together, i got on the bus and i went to campus. i attended a class, and i sat next to ppl who were actually rlly friendly and nice and i was able to laugh with them. and when it was over, i came home to the same space i left, and i got into my pyjamas and sat on my balcony and i could finally breathe. it didn’t magically erase all my fears and solve all my problems, but the fact that i overcame something that terrified me for so long and that i didn’t let my social anxiety get in the way of me talking to a couple ppl for just a few minutes and sharing a laugh—it felt so good. i was exhausted, but i felt good. and i wish the same for you. it won’t be easy, but i believe you’re strong enough to face it too. if you ever want to vent or talk to me abt what you’re feeling and how your day is, my inbox is always open <3

#masked vigilante #answered

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darling-has-a-smol-heart · 3 years

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🌻 tell me whatever you'd like, i would love to listen <33

THANK YOU HACE I LOVE YOU SM--

After ages of thinking, i decided i want to nerd about Bojack horseman.

You don't need to read all of this essay, just the chance to actually PUT these thoughts somewhere makes me happy <3

*rubs hands*

OK SO

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CHARACTER ARCS

I am trash at wording so don't be surprised if this is poorly redacted.

(A LOTTA SPOILERS AHEAD)

Bojack is by far the most relatable character in the show, for me at least. It's funny how this series teached me how to make relatability via struggles. I've never seen such an accurate representation of depression, and some episodes hit real close to home- for example, the "Stupid piece of sh-t" monologue at the beginning of the episode of the same name. They don't dramatize it, like OTHER SHOWS DO- (Yes 13ReasonsWhy I'm looking at you), and paint an accurate picture of how this illness holds Bojack back from being the better person he wants to be. His relationship with his mom was... Interesting to say the least.

The old Sugarman Place episode was haunting. Showing how the abuse from Beatrice's father shaped her into the person she ended up being. And how the cycle of abuse painfully repeats for generations. Her brother's death, her having to deal with his mother's grief and depression alone since her asshole dad didn't do sh-t to help the family move on after Crackerjack's death, and her mother's eventual and tragic lobotomy.

Just,,, Jesus this show.

Another thing I love about it, is how it made me understand that it was okay to emphasize with Beatrice, but one needed to understand that it didn't justify all the horrible abuse SHE put on Bojack, forever hammering in his head the "Don't stop dancing" motto.

Now, back to Bojack cuz BOY this is going to be a long essay.

The moment i knew this show was special was in season 2's "Escape from LA" another 'fuck-your-mind-up-and-move-on' episode. The things Bojack did were so terrible that- I mean i couldn't believe it. I was thinking all along "Nah, he wouldn't do it, he's the protagonist, he can't be THAT bad-"

AND THEM BOOM.

The mf almost sleeps with a 17-year-old and the show slaps you in the face with the realization that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED-

Something that makes me laugh are the consequences, not because they're stupid or anything like that. But were painfully accurate.

I think my mind was as anxious as Bojack's. Once the ACTUAL truth about his involvement in Sarah Lynn's death, and the cycles of abuse of power in his relationships came to the public eye, came what I expected: people actively shutting him out, insulting him, giving him those horrid judging looks,,, urgh- i felt that. (That second interview that revealed everything could have gone better, but it also could have gone worse. They didn't even explore the Escape from LA incident, or Gina's strangling in Bojack's opioid lash out.)

But yeah, once after the events of The view from halfway down (THAT I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO COVER CUZ OH GOD I WON'T FINISH) things start,,, looking up? Sure, Bojack gets arrested for trespassing (even though he affirms that he thinks it was for a but if everything) and he spends a good time there with the other inmates, they participate in plays, and even Bojack himself admits that he would go as a volunteer once he was out of jail.

I thought the consequences were going to be WAY worse, but when you look back at it you go: "Huh, well that wasn't that bad-"

Now, the final episode.

I LOVE the relationship between BJ and Mr. Peanut butter. The lad finally decides to dedicate time to himself and to not to worry about his marriages. You just gotta love this dog.

Then, Princess Caroline.

I LOVE HER OK?

Her entire character arc about being a mother and finally letting go of his codependency on Bojack was magical.

Seeing the roots of her impulsive "i have to take care of everything" attitude through the 6 seasons allowed me to see her grow, change. Seeing her triumph and fail (very painfully sometimes, man).

In the final scene with her it's so wonderful to see Bojack cheering on her, and Princess Caroline openly admitting she won't work with him anymore. And both just, dancing peacefully to the vals, accepting that their relationship is over with such big smiles... *Sobs*

God. This. SHOW.

And now, good boy Todd.

I kind of relate to him too, and it gives me hope to see him being so independent after everything.

After Bojack ruined his Rock Opera so he wouldn't leave, after he also rescued him from that Improv cult, after all of the good, and ALSO the bad. He leaves.

He goes to make his new life, with his girlfriend, in a new apartment, and now in a good relationship with his mom. It's so wholesome I love Todd sm-

And even after actively pushing back from Bojack, he's still there to support him and cheer him up, even backing off so he doesn't get pulled into that again.

His words in his final scene always stuck with me "It was nice while it lasted right?"

Perfect.

And now,,,, Diane.

Holy cow where do I even start.

I do agree with most fans about how she wasn't "as good" in the first season, and how that changed in season 6, where we see her in a more domestic environment.

Now, I always loved Diane. I emphasized a lot with her struggles of being a writer (those episodes made ma laugh), not appreciating the little things we have, and wanting to do great things but- not- quite reaching it.

I always found interesting how she never let go of Bojack until it was "too late"

They always brought up the worse in each other, two people with the same unhealthy coping mechanisms isn't exactly a good combination.

I teared up when she moved out with Guy and actually learned to trust the feeling of safety, after a whole life of being used to abuse, that was everything that made sense to her. But it didn't have to stay like that. It was hard for her to start taking her antidepressants again but she did and she got better! (Shame Bojack pushed her into breaking point-)

The last scene, of her, of Bojack, of the entire series, I always rewatch "Nice while it lasted" for this scene only.

She confronts him on how he called her before he almost drowned in a pool. She thought he was dead, she thought it was her fault for not saving him. But as Bojack said "It was never her job". But he always made her feel like it was.

Oof... You can't actually fix that, can you?

Diane's "You can be grateful for the people around you, even if they weren't meant to be in your life forever" hit me like a truck. It actually helped me to learn to cut ties, that it was okay to be grateful, to not forgive horrible things, to move on and wish the other person the very best.

And then they sit, staring at the night sky, Catherine Feeny's Mr. Blue starts playing.

And I am bawling my eyes out.

That moment of silence, when there's nothing to say, when you both understand that this is it, and there's nothing else to do than to admire the night.

God. THIS. SHOWWWW,,,,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And lastly, thank you so much for this opportunity Jace, i love you so much <3

This series has helped me a lot (like you have <33) and I'm just so happy to share my nerdiness of this show <3

#This is just me praising Bojack horseman; keep scrolling; it's ok #Mmmmmmmmmm Bojack thoughts go brrrrrrrrrr #Jace—-

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