#just. they constantly experience so much doubt and hopelessness but they never let that stop them from doing whats right to them

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

Not Kind - a Malevolent fanfic

The Dreamlands were not kind.

They were not cruel, particularly; they were what Dreamers made them to be, constantly changing, shifting, evolving.

Sometimes, the Dreamlands delivered hell.

Part of the Surrogate series.

AO3

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The Dreamlands were not kind.

They were not cruel, particularly; they were what Dreamers made them to be, constantly changing, shifting, evolving.

They were what humans dreamed, bred with deific power into new and twisted things, or places, or people.

They were memories made permanent, wishes made real. They were nightmares come to life and shambling through the wastes. They were petals and soft sounds and impossible music, sweetening the air and bringing smiles to all who found them.

Sometimes, they were things unknown, remembered by those close to the one confronted—things dropped into their heads and their senses and their minds without permission or input or experience.

Sometimes, the Dreamlands delivered hell.

#

Nibbles came back out and nodded. The cabin was safe.

Faroe peeked, anyway, taking her time.

It smelled empty. Dusty. Distinctly unused, and that was fine by her. It had a real fireplace, and thanks to Nibbles’ dexterity, she knew the chimney wasn’t blocked. She lit a fire and sat in front of it, feeling boneless, feeling tired.

Ishara. A place with humans in charge. She knew not to expect much; her own kind were crude, and wasteful, and slothful, and often gross, but they were also cowardly and self-serving, and so should respect her authority.

They would know who her father was, and they wouldn’t be stupid enough to try anything dumb.

She knew she should make a bed. Find a way to lie down, get comfortable; try to sleep.

She didn’t move. The fire warmed her face and crackled pleasantly, melting her tension, filling her lungs with heat.

Nibbles flopped beside her with a sound like shadows and whispers and hooves, and rested her head on Faroe’s lap.

Faroe scritched behind her ears, under her chin. “We’re getting close now. I can feel it.”

Nibbles gave her a deeply disbelieving look.

“I mean it,” Faroe said. “This is the point where it’s starting to seem hard and hopeless, and that’s always when the turn comes. When they figure it out, or get sent an emissary, or a sign, or something. It’s good. I promise, it’s good.”

It had been less good of late. She’d enjoyed Odd so much—the kindness, the generosity—but that had been the last kindness she’d seen. Enclaves were all right, but deeply suspicious, and it felt like she had to prove she wasn’t secretly a demon in every single one before she could safely spend the night. She avoided towns; too many people, too great a chance of being recognized.

Or at least remembered. She had no doubt her dad was hot on her trail. She smiled weakly. “I’m never going to let this go, you know. We’ve been gone for weeks, and he still hasn’t found us. If this were a game, I’d be winning.”

Nibbles snorted.

Faroe snorted back.

They both did their own version of laughing.

Her smile faded. “I don’t want to scare him. I probably did. And Uncle Arthur…” She sighed. “I’m sure he’s afraid for me. He always is. I’m not so… fragile.” It was annoying. “I can still outrun him, out-climb him… but he just won’t stop being afraid for me. It’s irritating, right?”

Nibbles didn’t seem to think it was irritating.

“Why not?”

Nibbles huffed.

“I don’t understand huff.”

Nibbles huffed again.

Faroe sighed. “I know. I’m being ungrateful. I know not everyone is loved like I am. But don’t you see? That’s why I have to do this. I have to solve this. Fix… fix whatever’s wrong in me. I owe them that much.”

Nibbles gently bonked her stomach, like a cat.

“You can’t talk me out of it,” said Faroe, and yawned. Instead of lying back, she leaned forward, draping herself on Nibbles’ familiar form. “Nobody’s going to talk me out of it.”

Nibbles made an answering sound, a repeated thrum, a calming sensation she’d made for Faroe since before Faroe could remember.

It was better than a lullaby. She fell fast asleep.

#

She woke to the slap and sizzle of something thrown in a pan.

It was such a familiar sound and scent that she startled awake, but opened her eyes to unfamiliar light.

This wasn’t the cabin anymore.

In front of her was not a fireplace, but a weird, square device with an enormous trumpet-like tube coming out of the top. A single black disc sat on its surface, still and shiny, with ridges all around its circumference.

She stared. She looked up. The walls were a sort of dingy white; numerous small portraits hung from them, all humans, standing and staring at the camera in various states of what could be distress. No one smiled. Those unsmiling mouths were all she could see of their details; the hats were weird, pulled low over faces, and the clothes were dumpy and did not fit.

Slap-sizzle.

Slowly, she turned.

Behind her was a narrow room, mostly lit by one dim light overhead and two small lamps, one in the kitchen, one at the table.

Both kitchen and table were occupied.

Faroe began to shake.

They were… people. But not people. They had no faces.

A man sat at the table, something in his body and posture freakishly familiar, and that made everything worse. (No face, he had no face, he had—) He was bent over paper, scribbling away, pencil frantically writing; then he’d pause, erase what he’d written, and scribble over the same spot.

Over. And over. And over again.

Slap-sizzle.

In the kitchen stood a heavily pregnant woman in a dress, cooking at a stove situated to the side. (No face! No face! She had no face!) She had a single pan; beside that, she had a wooden cutting board with thin, pink steaks of unidentifiable meat, lightly coated in flour. Every few seconds, she’d pick up a piece of meat and toss it into the pan with disgust, as though she hated it, as though she’d rather be doing anything else.

Slap-sizzle.

And then… she did it again. And then she did it again, as though the meat had dissolved, as if the raw nastiness on the cutting board was never ending, as if—

Erase. Scribble.

Toss. Slap-sizzle.

Over. And over.

Something was so bad here. Something so terrible. It clutched at her, squeezing her chest, compressing her lungs. She rubbed her eyes. No—she was awake, and this was happening.  “He… hello?” Faroe managed with a voice made of straw.

Erase. Scribble.

Toss. Slap-sizzle.

On her lap, Nibbles made a questioning sound.

There was no reason for this to fill Faroe with horror. There was no reason to feel trapped. She could see the door, right there—slightly ajar, beckoning. Could see a glimpse of the Dreamlands beyond it. She was not trapped.

She felt trapped.

This was never-ending. This was a cage.

Erase. Scribble.

Toss. Slap-sizzle.

No faces. They didn’t see each other. They didn’t speak. They wouldn’t look.

Trapped. Caged. This was…

Faroe leaped to her feet.

Nibbles bleated in startlement, leaping with her.

“Hello?” Faroe tried one more time.

Erase. Scribble.

Toss. Slap-sizzle.

It would never end. This was it, forever, for the rest of their lives, caged.

She ran for the door and burst through, crying though she didn’t know why, feeling that inevitable noose clamping around her though there was no noose and she did not know these people or this situation—

(but she did)

—did not know how and why they were trapped together and trying so hard not to hate it and each other—

(but they did)

—but they were trapped and there was no choice but to put up with it and make it work and keep pushing through and lying to themselves and each other and the world and—

Faroe doubled over, gasping, shaking, weeping tears the faceless people were not allowed to shed, and Nibbles pressed against her, making concerned sounds, nuzzling, circling as if trying to get between her and whatever she had seen.

Faroe looked up.

The cabin was back to what it had been: nothing. Empty. Abandoned.

Still hitching, she wiped her face frantically. “You didn’t see them?”

Nibbles made the cutest questioning sound.

“No. Of course not.” What was that? What had that been? Who had they been? Ghosts of people who once lived in that cabin?

(She knew they were not.)

(She knew they were…)

(Connected.)

Dreamlands shit, that’s what this was. She couldn't think about this. Wouldn’t think about this.

(That man’s body language as he wrote and erased and wrote again was so familiar...)

She laughed weakly. “Just bad dreams made real, right? Just nightmares, given form. They can’t hurt me. It doesn’t matter. Any… anyone can handle a few bad dreams?” And she cried, clinging to Nibbles.

Nibbles nuzzled her, nudged; urged Faroe, still crying, onto her back, and began trotting away at speed. Better to get away from the scary place, whatever it was, whatever it had been.

Trapped.

Caged.

Faroe was not caged, and had never known the feeling. She never wanted to know it again. It made her desperate, even in a few seconds of time.

What would she have done if that were her life? What would she have had to do?

Anything to get out.

“Stop it,” she told herself. “No more,” she told herself, and she took out her book to distract herself.

Guinevere felt trapped, too, didn’t she? She did. They all did. Trapped by honor, trapped by society, trapped by right and wrong.

So that didn’t help. Faroe put the book back. “Sing to me, Nibbles?”

It wasn’t singing, exactly, what Nibbles could do, but it was known, and familiar, and welcome. The low, didgeridoo-like sound vibrated through her muscles and skin and soul, and Faroe clung to Nibbles and would not look up.

She could get through this. It was just a nightmare. It was nothing. She wasn’t trapped. She never would be.

“Nibbles,” she whispered, finally, finally admitting it out loud. “I can’t wait until this is over and we can go home.”

In response, Nibbles went faster, as if she could outrun the dead.

#malevolent #malevolent fic #malevolent pod #faroe lester #nibbles lester #surrogate series

[lune-hime]

Future (Chocobros x f!Reader)

“How did you imagine our future?” 

↞Noctis↠

The blossoms tickled your cheek as you turned to regard the prince. His question was asked with a tone as light as the crisp night air.

“Well, last I checked we were still getting married.” You chuckled, reaching out to idly caress a velvety petal between your fingertips. “It will be a grand wedding, no doubt.”

Noctis hummed contently next to you, your forms spread out in the vast field.

“We can expect nothing less from Specs.” He added. The two of you giggled at the image of a Ignis as a wedding planner.

“What should we do for the honeymoon?” You speculated to the starry sky, gaze getting lost in the endless maze of constellations.

“Sleep.” Noctis replied dreamily. You huffed and shook your head in disbelief, the movement causing petals to fall into your splayed locks.

“How about going fishing?” He proposed. The scowl you gave him caused an amused smile to settle on his smooth features.

“Altissia and a little sleeping and fishing on the side?” He offered in a last ditch attempt to fit his two favorite activities into the plans.

“That sounds more like it.” You sighed happily, letting the coolness of the midnight breeze delicately prickle your skin.

“Y/N.” Noctis cooed, the sound as smooth as the surface of the flowers. You turned back towards him, heart lighting up when you were met with his smile. The euphoria only lasted a moment, however, before the once pleasant chill of the night began giving you goosebumps.

“Promise me something.” He requested in a feigned upbeat tone. You could tell he was trying to mask the sadness in his voice.

You nodded once, watching the corners of his mouth quiver slightly.

“Anything.” You whispered. Noctis’ touch was temperate in contrast to the brisk air as he reached out to run his palm along your jawline.

“Promise me you won’t let me ruin your future."

Every physical aspect of reality had seemed to halt in that moment. You no longer had any sense of time nor of the itchy feeling of the blades of grass against your bare legs. You could no longer see the complex colors of the heavens and the moons seemed like dull street lights in the sky. The cold wind no longer bit at your skin. You felt completely numb to everything except Noctis.

“What?” You choked, suddenly feeling like a rock was lodged into your throat. Noctis’ shook his head, silently telling you not to cry, and flashed you another grin.

“Please do everything we just talked about, either for yourself or with someone who makes you happy.” His voice cracked at the second half of his phrase, but he retained his grin.

“I’m so sorry I’m not able to give you that future, goddess knows I would have given you the entirety of Eos.” His sapphire eyes reflected the dazzling lights in the sky and his gaze was filled with thousands of words he would never be able to say to you.

“Instead of living in my memory, live for my memory, okay?” His eyes softened into a smile of their own as he regarded you like it was the last time he ever would.

Suddenly, you felt the sudden urge to embrace him but before you could throw yourself into his arms, he had disappeared on the wind and you felt yourself being dragged out of the field with a swift tug.

“Rise and shine, Y/N. By the six, we need to find a new expression for that now. Time for another hunt.” Iris sang as she gingerly shook you awake. Blinking the sleep from your eyes, you craned your neck to peek out the tent window to regard the dark world that awaited for you. Heaving yourself up from your sleeping back, you rubbed your eyes and cracked your back with a resounding pop before getting to your feet. After slipping on your boots, you gave the jewel around your left ring finger a loving twirl as you walked out to the campsite. Even in the shadows of Eos, the little gem still managed to shine.

“I promise, Noct.”

He was now your past, but you would forever be his future.  

↞Prompto↠

He was the personification of a wilting flower. His once bright eyes were now sunken and bordered by heavy bags. He barely showed his dazzling smile anymore, so you had said goodbye to the little dimple on his cheek weeks ago. Even his once vibrant golden locks had seemed to dim in hue along with the rest of the world. When Eos lost its sunlight, so did you.

You barely registered the question he posed into his lukewarm coffee. Your heart broke when you hear the hopelessness in his voice.

Turning towards him, you reached over only to brush past his arm to grab his camera lying on the diner counter. Prompto looked over to you with slight interest, still slumped weakly in his chair. You flipped through the photos, pressure bubbling behind your eyes at the happiness of your youth. He always kept old pictures on his camera to make sure he never forgot what life used to be like. Photos were physical and more tangible compared to memories, anyway. You blinked back the wetness in your eyes until you found it.

Wordlessly you slid the camera over to him, and he picked it up with gentle hands. Once his gaze met the screen, they starting shaking and the camera began to fall from his grasp. You placed your hands firmly over his, securly holding the device in place.

It was a selfie Prompto took of the two of you at Wiz’s Chocobo Post early on in your journey. Sandwiched in between the two of you was your own Chocobo, Blueberry, his periwinkle feathers bristling in excitement and his beak open in mid chirp. Happiness radiated off you and Prompto, your smiles overtook all the other features of your face and the afternoon sun casted a cheerful glow over the image.

Prompto sucked in a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

“This was our future.” You gestured towards the photo with a sad smile. You removed your hands from his and used them to cup his cheeks, turning him to face you. It was the first time in a while you had gotten him to directly look at you.

“And it still is.” You stated, voice unwavering. As you looked into his eyes, all the memories of your Prompto flashed through your mind like the title credits of a movie. A happy smile found it's way to your lips this time.

“You are forever my sunshine, even more now so that the world has grown dark. And we will find the light again.” You sealed your promise to him with a soft kiss, his arms immediately coming to cup your forearms gently. When you pulled away you saw a few stray tears had begun staining his cheeks but more importantly that dazzling smile that could drive the darkness away with one glance.  

↞Ignis↠

The soft puff of air that left your mouth tickled the corner of Ignis’ lips. Your hesitation caused his heart to sink. He bit his lip nervously, teeth worrying over the chapped skin. He didn't mean to sour the previously sweet and intimate moment but the question had become a chronic worry of his. The various fictional situations of his disability somehow ruining your constantly ran through his mind and were gnawing on his insides.

In the absence of a response, he felt his intrusive thoughts begin to manifest into reality. Before he could turn away, however, your hands on his chest rose to gingerly clasp onto his cheeks, forcing him to face you. Through his clouded vision, he could only see the shadow of your movements but he knew your features were contorted in the way they did when you were trying to articulate a particular feeling.

“I didn't picture it like this, but I know you didn't either.” You almost laughed, bringing his face closer and looking into those milky green orbs. Although seemingly lifeless, they still sparkled with the same vigor the man had expressed before the incident. Brushing his eyelids shut with gentle fingertips, you replaced your touch with a feather light kiss to both of them. When you pulled back, the look of adoration on Ignis’ face made your heart swell. Who knew such a simple thing like a kiss could calm the tidal waves of insecurity that resided within the man.

“But I wouldn't change a thing, because even though the world went to shit, I still have you. And you are still you no matter what happens.”

↞Gladiolus↠

Gladiolus’ question replaced the comfortable silence between the two of you as you maneuvered through the briarwood. The inquiry made you laugh and you almost slipped at the minor distraction, boots squelching against the muddy ground. Gladiolus, reflexes as nimble as ever, gripped your arm thus preventing you from coming into contact with a sizeable bramble bush.

“Well, our lives haven’t exactly been a fairytale now have they?” You replied sarcastically, the both of you chuckling as he lifted up a low hanging vine so you could step under.

“I mean, sure I obviously thought it would be a lot different than this-” You started, abruptly stopping in the middle of the path much to Gladiolus’ confusion.

“But look.” You smiled, pointing to the sky. Gladiolus followed your finger to the thick canopy of the woods. A clearing in the branches allowed for pale rays of sunlight to seep through the dense foliage, the sun warming his skin and causing him to squint. His eyes started to sting from it’s intensity, but it was a welcoming feeling. What wasn’t welcome, however, was the moisture that began collecting in his eyes.

“And we have this” You stated, taking his hand and guiding it to rest on the slight bump of your stomach. He splayed his palm and rubbed soothing circles against the fabric of your shirt. He regarded you with an adoration he never knew he would get to experience.

“Thank you, Noct, for giving us this future.” Gladiolus said to the sky, his voice thick with a menagerie of emotions. The sun had given back their ability to live, but it was the boy behind the sun that had given Eos a second chance to shine.

↞Bonus↠

“Noct for the thousandth time NO we are not spending our honeymoon at the recreational fishing area.” You retorted over your shoulder as you sped walked to keep up with a swift paced Ignis. Why did he have to have such long legs?

Ignis was simultaneously speed firing you questions regarding the shapes and materials of various dining wares and whether or not you wanted hydrangeas or lilies placed in the center of each table as the three of you maneuvered through the elaborate department store. Well, it was more like the two of you with how far back Noctis was straggling behind. While Ignis was like a worker bee buzzing from section to section, the prince on the other hand was taking a leisurely stroll; touching random items here and there but not regarding them with much enthusiasm. You had told him that it was fine if he didn’t come; you were enjoying planning out your wedding enough for the two of you. But Noctis protested, saying that even though it wasn’t his favorite thing to do, he wanted to be there because at the end of the day it was both your wedding.

Ignis abruptly stopped in front of a vast display of fabrics, carefully inspecting each one with fine detail. You patiently waited behind the advisor, giving Noctis some time to catch up.  

“On any other occasion a weekend fishing with you sounds heavenly, but I don’t want to spend our honeymoon smelling like trout and stinky worms.” You stated, grimacing at the thought of your cute outfits smelling like dead fish.

“Which one of these do you fancy would be suitable for the table cloths for the reception?” Ignis inquired, shoving a book of samples into your hands as he slowly moved down the line of textiles. A moment later, Noctis popped up behind you, idly looking at the samples from over your shoulder. Once you noticed his presence, you held them up so he could get a better view.

“Black obviously.” Noctis declared blandly. It was clear to everyone that he wasn’t that into the whole wedding planning process and was more excited for the actual event than having to be involved in everything that went into arranging it. It didn’t help that he had to get up two hours earlier than he normally did either.

“Of course, Noct, but which black.” Ignis exhaled, looking close to short circuiting. The cloth samples were indeed both a dark shade of cobalt, but they differed in pattern and sheen. Taking matters into your own hands you pointed to the silk cloth with intricate silver embroidering.  

“This one is pretty, Iggy.” You chimed in, wanting to keep Ignis’ sanity intact and let Noctis be done with the whole process as soon as possible.

“Couldn’t agree more, Y/N. You always have had the better sense of aesthetics out of the two of you.” Ignis praised before immediately moving onto the next item on the list, leaving behind an annoyed Noctis. You choked back a laugh and turned to face him, poking his puffed cheeks until his pout turned into a smile.

“How about we go to Altissia, with some fishing on the side?” He proposed, grasping your hands and lowering them from his face to intertwine his fingers with yours.

“It’s a deal!” You beamed, bouncing on your heels. The excitement on your features set off sparks in Noctis’ chest.

“If I receive some persuasion, maybe we can throw in a few naps in there too.” You added playfully, swaying your entangled hands from side to side.

“Oh, we can do more than just nap.” Noctis grinned, taking his hands out of yours and fluidly moving to lightly tickle your sides, offering an animated shriek from you. Just as you were getting into a small tickle fight, the buzzing of the store’s intercom system activated.

“Stop dilly-dallying lovebirds and lets get a move on, we still have to go to the caterer’s office after this. I am in isle 24, the silverware section.” Ignis’ unamused voice echoed off every surface of the building.

The two of you exchanged a look of disbelief before breaking out into hysterical laughter.

“Better not keep him waiting.” You patted his chest and broke away from his embrace. Noctis rolled his eyes and placed a kiss to your forehead before the two of you ran hand in hand to your lovely wedding planner.

#ffxv #ffxv gladiolus #ffxv noctis #ffxv prompto #ffxv ignis #noctis x reader #Noctis Lucis Caelum #prompto argentum #prompto x reader #gladiolus amicitia #gladiolus x reader #ignis scientia #ignis x reader #ffxv imagines #fanfiction #final fantasy fanfiction #chocobros #chocobros x reader

[extremelyblackandwhite]

handmaid - 22

PAIRING: mob!sebastian stan x ingenue!reader

WARNINGS: age gap

A/N: there is a HUGE musical theatre reference in this chapter and i’m rly happy it is here 😉 hope you enjoy this chapter xx thank you so much for the love you’ve been giving this series so far, i love you all so so much !! 

NEXT CHAPTER

In any other circumstances, Y/N would’ve been crying but considering Daniel was downstairs awaiting her. She was happy, she convinced herself, she was happy to spend Christmas with Dan, Gwen and everyone else. She was happy, this was just her post first time brain playing tricks on her. Why would she expect the mob boss to suddenly drop his plans to come and spent Christmas with her at his wife’s childhood home? Maybe it was a good idea he didn’t want to go with her. How hypocrite to walk into Gwen’s house with the same husband to be she just slept with. God, Y/N, get your head in the game.

With the bag that hadn’t been unpacked the day prior she abandoned her bedroom, head slightly turning towards Sebastian’s room. Unconsciously, she hoped he would be at the door but it was closed. There was no way he was spending Christmas with the Forrests and Y/N did not know why she was hoping he did. Well, she knew why. She was an hopeless girl filled to the brim with naivety. Shaking those thoughts and the events of last night into a black corner of her mind, she went down the stairs where Dan was standing, awaiting her on his phone. 

     - Hey Dan. - she forced a smile out of her clouded, over ran mind. The eldest Forrest sibling smiled at her, coming in for a hug. However, Y/N was not much into the mindset to be hugged or to be her regular self so she let herself be embraced with a dazed off look. - We should be going before it starts snowing again. 

     - Of course, birdie. 

She gave the upstairs another look as she followed Daniel onto the lift. She was happy, right? She was happy to go spend Christmas with those who she considered the only sort of family she had ever known. She was happy. She couldn’t be happier. Right? Couldn’t be happier, right there with Dan in the car, sort of like her own happy ending, right? Spending Christmas like she always did. Though it is she admits the tiniest bit unlike she anticipated but she couldn’t be happy. No, she’s happy, she’s happy to be here driving away from the Upper East into her childhood home. 

However, there’s a kind of a sorta of cost, a sort of thing that got lost when she left that bedroom. There are bridges you cross you didn’t know you crossed until you crossed and Y/N, Y/N had just crossed that bridge. With an overwhelming sadness in her eyes, a far cry from the bright sparks whenever she got to see the decorations from the car windows, she leaned against the glass, finger raising up to doodle sweet nothings onto the fogged surface.

It didn’t take as long as she was expecting to arrive to her childhood home. Maybe this was due to her need to be inside her mind wondering if she had done something mid falling asleep and waking up that would’ve hurt Sebastian. Did she hurt him in any other way or was he just playing safe? He was an analytical man, after all he needed to be in order to thrive in the environment he’d been born in. Maybe Y/N was expecting regular expectations from a man who wasn’t regular. 

    - You’re very quiet. - Dan was the first one out of the car, thanking the driver before taking her bag off the back. - Did something happen with Sebastian? I was worried about leaving you alone with him.

    - Don’t you think it’s odd he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with us ... I mean with Gwen? She is his ... wife-to-be. 

    - Dad doesn’t really want him here. Don’t you remember Gwen’s 18th? He was here. 

    - I’m sure I would remember if he had been around. - however, in all honesty, Y/N had spent Gwen’s 18th, which had also been her 18th, much more interested in reading Pride and Prejudice for the 100th time. - Why doesn’t Mr. Forrest want him here?

    - You’re making a lot of questions you don’t need the answer to, birdie. 

    - Why do you always leave me in the dark? I’m 24, I’m not exactly a child anymore. - she crossed her arms, annoyed at the lack of responses to her questions. Maybe it was the newly found annoyance at everything that gave her the chops to stand up and ask for some answers.

    - You are not in the mob, Y/N. You don’t get to ask questions and you certainly don’t get to have the answers. - he harshly opened the door, allowing her to come inside and see the same sights she saw every single year. How come she didn’t feel as excited as she should? The decorations seemed prettier and shinier in her mind and the once environment she was sad not to return to, she was now sad to be in. It just felt empty. 

   - Where is the staff? - she looked around, noticing the substantially lack of people running around despite for a few bodyguards.

    - Gwen gave them Christmas off. - Dan shrugged. - I guess she’s preparing herself to be a housewife. 

   - I seriously doubt that. - she muttered under her breathe before grabbing her bag and climbing up to her bedroom. It was mostly unchanged, like a picture frame of what her life had been like before she had met him. Well, turns out she might have met him prior but Gwen’s and her 18th birthday had been a mostly chaotic experience so maybe her brain had compartalised that far far away from her. 

Sitting down in her bed she let out a huff. God what did she want? First she wanted to spend Christmas like she always did and when she got it she felt miserable. Is that how people behave after losing their virginity or was Y/N missing him already? It surely had hurt her for him not even to consider coming with her but if Mr. Forrest wasn’t found of him then maybe it made sense. Anyway, it felt like a cold answer and Y/N was starting to tire herself of being constantly left in the dark. If she was good enough to be close to Mr. Forrest’s daughter then she was good enough to get answers. 

Much too upset with that whole line of thought, Y/N grabbed her phone from her back pocket, unlocking it to reach for her contact list. She didn’t have many which gave her an easy path towards who she wanted to reach. Sebastian. After convincing herself that he wasn’t mad at her and that all of this was a great misunderstanding, she dialled his number. Leaning her ear against the phone she heard the long and high beeps, expecting to hear his voice anytime soon. However, it never came through.  

    - I thought I’d head Daniel arrive. - Y/N raised her head from her bed to see Mr. Forrest by the door. - I’m sure you’re hungry, Y/N. Why don’t you join us for lunch and great the guests.

    - I’m not entirely sure I’m up for food, Mr. Forrest.

    - Nonsense. Besides, I’m sure Gwen misses you. - he fully opened the door, gesturing out. Gwen, yeah, how was Y/N gonna look in her eye ever again? As she went down the stairs with the head of the family, she wondered how she was ever gonna speak to Gwen ever again until she spotted her at the table being very cozy with one of the associates sons. Great, just what she wanted, a table full of the same associates that clearly disliked her by the cabaret experience. However, it wasn’t Gwen flirting with the young men at the table or the amount of associates present at Christmas Eve, it was a very familiar man sat next to the only empty seat. - Y/N, I’m sure you’ve met Mr. Williams before. He’s spending the holidays with us. 

    - Yes, we’ve had the pleasure. - he smiled as she sat next to him. - We are very glad you can spend Christmas with us, Miss Y/N.

    - Imagine having to spend the holidays with Sebastian in that tiny overrated penthouse. - Gwen said before stuffing her mouth with a forkful of meat loaf.

    - He is really not that bad, Gwen. - Y/N spoke up in her normal soft and melodic voice. Normally her opinions tended to go unnoticed but at those words, every single person seemed to redirect his attention towards her. 

    - Never mind Y/N. She’s a very forgiving person. - Mr. Forrest diffused the situation with the sort of swiftness that only people holding power could do so. Soon enough, everyone was too distracted in their own affairs and conversations to really care about Y/N. She didn’t care much about being invisible, in all honesty, her expectation in life was to be invisible and so far she was good at it. Invisible people don’t deal with conflicts ... well at least not physical conflicts as she has mental conflicts galore. 

The meal took a rather long time to finish with people laughing and stopping to comment on various issues and she had to admit not having the staff to speak to was a bit boring. Yet again, Y/N was already quite uncomfortable being next to Mr. Williams and the weird aura he always let through, so she had spent most of her lunch checking her phone for any new messages, any new calls but there were none to be seen. He was probably busy, he was a busy important man. 

    - ... no, there’s no need. Y/N can take the dishes into the kitchen. - her name being spoken by Gwen made her raise her gaze from her phone onto the table and Gwen. - Right?

   - Gwen ... - Daniel warned, voice low but still laced with threat. In normal situations, she would’ve recognised it, but the heiress was much too intoxicated with champagne. 

   - What? It’s not like she’s part of the family, she’s staff. - she added and in that moment Y/N felt a bit less guilty she had slept with her husband to be.

   - Genevieve, that’s rude. - Mr. Forrest added.

   - What? It’s true, she’s a handmaid.

   - Gwen ... - Daniel returned with that same threatening voice but Y/N found it rather hypocritical coming from the same man who just a second ago had shot all her questions down in a rather rude manner. 

    - It’s alright. - Y/N stood up and started collecting all the plates, stacking them together on top of her arms.

Gwen was right, at the end of the day this wasn’t her family. They had raised her but they weren’t her family at the end of the day. She was just a handmaid. She wasn’t part of the mob, she was a handmaid. A handmaid. She never thought about the word itself for too long, always considering herself a friend but at the end of the day she was a subordinate to everyone and that was what she would always be. 

Words can hurt and these words had cut through her. Not even Sebastian seemed to want to actually pick up her calls. Maybe Gwen was right, she was a handmaid and that was what she was always gonna be. 

She put the dishes on the sink, taking them one by one to dispose of the food scraps and start scrubbing them. She looked down at her soapy hands and then at the metal kettle on her side, noticing her reflection in it. The tendrils flying in front of her head and the soap suds made her look exactly like the staff Gwen made her out to be. She was too lost in how she looked in her reflection that the slippery plate slipped off her hand, shattering onto the floor into a thousand bits. 

Y/N kneeled down, starting to pick up the shards so lost in her own negative thinking she didn’t realise tears had started to run down her cheeks until they hit the palm of her hand and she broke down sobbing in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by the shards of porcelain which once were a plate. 

Just a handmaid. Out of the sudden, it seemed to her that she had finally realised what she was. A subservient. At that point, Y/N wondered if that what she was to Sebastian too, a submissive creature which he could do with as she pleased.

   - It’s just a plate, there’s really no need for there to be any tears about it. - she immediately straightened her posture, returning to her standing position.

   - Mr. Williams. 

   - It’s really unfair, isn’t it? - he circled her, leaning against a opposite marbled surface in the kitchen. - People like us getting treated like dirt by the top ones. 

   - I’d really rather not speak about it. - she smiled softly, hoping he would leave. - It’s really no issue, I enjoy doing the dishes anyway. 

   - It hurts, doesn’t it, Miss Y/N? To know that she’s the one who is going to walk down the isle and you’re gonna be in the sideline. 

   - I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir. I really need to return to the dishes.

   - You and Mr. Stan aren’t fooling anyone. Maybe Genevieve, but you’re definitely not fooling me, birdie. You’re not the mistress type.

tag list: @lilya-petrichor​ @xoxohannahlee​ @irespostthingsiwanttoseelater​ @nikkipea​ @madisonpillstrom​ @cevans98​ @thelostallycat​ @sideeffectsofyou​ @anxiousdreamersworld​ @captainchrisstan​ @lookiamtrying​​ @sarge-barnes-sir​​​​​ @stuffforreferences​​ @thebadassbitchqueen @sebastianstansqueen​​

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan/reader #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan/you #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan/y/n #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan drabble #sebastian stan au #mob!sebastian stan #mobster!sebastian stan #mafia!sebastian stan #mafia boss!sebastian stan

[idkwhoiamanymorebutwtf]

How Mervana shows Louie’s response to trauma.

I made a super short post basically saying “Hey I like how Mervana highlights Louie’s trauma and it’s effects on him” and people seemed interested in hearing more about it so here’s that post.

Now, it’s no secret (generally) that Louie really hates adventures. That’s obvious throughout the show, up to the most recent season. He never seems to want to go on adventures, always objecting to them or not going or changing his mind and wanting to go back half way through. The show never fails to remind us that he hates them. What’s more, the show never fails to remind us exactly why Louie hates adventures. In Glomtales he was actually happy to be missing the adventure at first, commenting “Well, at least I can skip out on another insanely dangerous adventure”. Something that only changed when he realized they were going somewhere not only safe but actually fun, something very rare. In The Golden Armory Of Cornelius Coot he rocks back and forth trying to convince himself of why the adventure was worth it, clearly extremely distressed. “Do not laugh in the face of my danger” he shouted when Dewey starting giggling. Later in that episode he basically sobbed out “I wanna go home”. In Challenge Of The Senior Woodchuck he says “I’m cold and terrified, this sure seems like an adventure to me.”

Most of the family isn’t actually affected by the constant stress and danger they’re put in. Huey, Dewey, Webby, Della, and Scrooge all find it incredibly exciting, Donald used to once upon a time and he stopped adventuring after it stopped being that. Nobody else has really gone through what Louie has. He isn’t built for adventuring. He’s been kidnapped, physically and mentally hurt, almost killed. Constantly. According to an article I read, “Trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or threatening and that can have lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and physical, social, emotional well-being.” and well, that absolutely fits the bill here. Below i’m going to put some symptoms of trauma that are in line with what we’ve seen from Louie throughout the show

Anger, irritability, mood swings

Anxiety and fear

Guilt, shame, self-blame

Withdrawing from others

Feeling sad or hopeless

Feeling disconnected or numb

Fatigue

Being startled easily

Edginess and agitation

Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

Detachment from other people and emotions

Emotional numbing

Suspicion

Throughout the show there are many instances of Louie’s trauma being very obvious to anybody paying attention. However I think the episode Mervana actually showcased the effects outside of just Louie being visibly distressed over actively being in danger. Other episodes have shown his symptoms, obviously. His anxiety and fear are always on during at adventure and when they aren’t he’s shockingly, almost unusually numb to the situation. He’s almost always very fatigued (although the line between what’s fatigue and what’s just ‘laziness’ is a bit blurred), and he’s almost always a bit too hostile towards others. But Mervana showed a really direct ‘cause and effect’ type relationship with the things they’ve been through and his behavior throughout that episode.

Starting off the episode, we can see Louie seems very detached. He’s texting throughout Huey and Scrooge’s monologues. As I said earlier, when it comes to adventuring he’s always either in fight or flight mode or he’s completely detached, maybe offering occasional dull but volatile remarks here and there. Eventually Louie makes a comment about how “Now there’s two people putting us in constant danger” before sitting like this for the next minute or so

The other’s are mid conversation but he just kinda sits there blankly for a while before turning to make another remark. “Yeah, I definitely can’t wait to find a bunch of lost undersea monsters who definitely won’t have a dark secret that almost gets us killed”. And it’s important to recognize that Louie isn’t just being a pessimist here. He may not be in panic mode at the moment because he tends to emotionally detach himself until it’s time for his fight or flight responses to kick in (likely a way to cope with the constant anxiety that seems to follow him) but he’s still got a very good point because they are put in constant danger and this episode really, truly, is no different. Webby even asks “Why do you always have to assume the worst?” to which Louie pulls out his running list of the times they’ve been offered as a sacrifice. He’s almost died countless times. He’s watched his brother’s and sister almost die countless times. No, not countless, he’s counting. He’s literally keeping count of the number of traumatic experiences he’s gone through, which is at least one hundred and twenty. And that’s just the amount of sacrifices, which is to say nothing about kidnappings or non sacrifice related straight up murder attempts. 

Let me just say, though, that his suspicious nature, while completely natural due to his past traumatic experiences, and while somewhat grounded in reality because they did end up in danger during this episode, wasn’t completely accurate. Most of the Mervanan’s were genuinely good people but Louie immediately assumed they were going to hurt him and his family. He was on edge. He was immediately suspicious, even before he met them, even before he was given reason to be suspicious. The only person who read into things as deeply as he did was Beakley, who’s a secret agent. She will have been trained to be suspicious and pick up on small signs that something isn’t right, but Louie wasn’t. Louie was just on edge and suspicious of everything because those are big signs of trauma. He was right that something wrong was going on, but it wasn’t observational skills on his part as shown by the fact that he was sure they’d be put in danger before they ever met the Mervanan’s. 

A few times this episode we see the flip from Louie being on edge and suspicious to him actually genuinely being put in danger. And you can see clear as day that he gets no satisfaction out of it. Everyone else is usually proud or energized. Excited to fight, smug when they win or get away. It’s not the same for Louie.

And you can see there’s a difference even between Beakley’s suspicions based on genuine observation and valid doubt when compared to Louie’s which are based in the fact that he’s a traumatized individual who’s had his brain rewired in a way that makes him suspicious to an unhealthy degree. “You have no idea weather or not they’re going to feed us to their monster king?” Beakley asked The Harp. She was suspicious because she knows how the world works and realized something was wrong (because something was wrong) but she was rational about it. They didn’t have solid evidence, she didn’t know for sure. But Louie immediately replied by saying “they definitely are” which isn’t a rational thought process when he really, truly had no evidence to believe so other than his deepseeded instinct to trust nobody.

And when Beakley admitted that she didn’t trust the Mervanan’s either there was very little smugness in the way he handled it. Louie didn’t insist as hard as he did that something was wrong and that you can’t trust anybody just to prove a point to Webby. Immediately he interrupted Beakley and Webby’s situation by jumping in with “We need to get the harp down to the Mervanan’s or we’re all going to die!” Louie was truly in panic mode throughout this episode. He wasn’t just being a pessimist trying to crush Webby’s bright optimistic hope, he was trying to protect his family. When he first set off to find the harp he said “I’m going to find the harp before we all get sacrificed”. Then when he was debating weather or not to tell Webby the truth he pointed out that “If she doesn’t (find out the truth) she’ll be fish food!”. Then when he’s trying to move the harp down to the other’s his biggest concern is “Gotta save family”. It’s not just pessimism, it’s fear and suspicion, which are very different things. 

Later on we see that Louie’s ideals don’t fully match up with his behavior either. “The king turned himself into a monster, but you’re not him.  You built a society based on truth, and the truth is you don’t need Mervana to be good.” before turning to Webby and telling her “Somebody once told me that you have to look for the best in people and not assume the worst” and honestly, I don’t feel like this is abnormal thinking for him. Believe it or not, Louie is the kind of person to believe in other’s positive traits. He does very often see the good in people and obviously on a level of principal alone he doesn’t think all people are bad.  

However principals and logic are often overcome by the brain’s natural response to trauma. And those natural responses often aren’t as idealistic as “anyone can be good and you shouldn’t assume the worst in people”. Fear and anger and anxiety. Seeing danger everywhere. Always being on guard. They’re not something you can control. No matter how much you believe people can be good that instinctive urge to trust nobody spurred on by trauma is often much stronger. Especially when you’re not getting any professional help and have someone to protect. Even if Louie wanted to believe in people (and I think he does), his survival instincts are stronger than that. Even if he didn’t care about his own safety, he has a family who are too dumb to care about their own so he has to do that for them.

Overall a LOT of Louie’s storyline during Mervana was obviously highlighting his response to the trauma he’s had to deal with over the course of the show. And sadly I don’t think he’ll stop having these reactions anytime soon because it takes more than just knowing people can be good to deal with changes to your brain’s chemical makeup.

#ducktales #louie duck

[possiamo-andare]

Midsummer pt.3: JJ Maybank

JJ x Reader

MASTERLIST

Words: around 6.4 k

a/n: so part one of Midsummer just passed 1,000 notes and to celebrate I'm posting part 3. Thanks to everyone who was telling me to make this a series, I guess it officially is. I kinda wanted a little more angst in this chapter but I'm a hopeless romantic and wanted to end it on a good note. Happy reading!

~

You had gotten up considerably late according to your father. It was 10am, early for you on a summer morning but late for your father who never slept past 6am. It wasn't entirely your fault though. JJ had kept you up all night on the phone. You hadn't seen each other in two days and it had been torture. He was apparently busy with John B., Kiara, and Pope, doing some type of "research" (whatever that meant), that he couldn't make time to meet up. So, you were forced to talk over the phone. You tried to reach out to Sarah but she too was extremely busy. You wondered what the hell was going on. The two most important people in your life were busy. You asked yourself, what were the odds?

So, with nothing to do on a beautiful morning, you went down to the beach, where you thought you could relax. You had just purchased a new book and decided what better way to get started than to read it while you soaked up some sun. 

As you walked out your door, your backpack on your shoulders, you called to your parents, telling them that you were off. They both gave you an uninterested bye and with that, you started towards the beach. It would definitely be desolate at this time, which worked out in your favour. You were only wearing a bikini top and small blue jean shorts. You, of course, had a shirt in your bag but you had planned on getting some sun. The only problem was you were self conscious. You had hoped that if there weren't as many people around, maybe you would feel comfortable enough to close your eyes. Maybe.

You knew that it was completely irrational to think this way. To think that maybe if there were less people around to look at you, you'd be more confident but you couldn't help it. Ever since you could remember there was this unconscious voice in your head, turning anything positive into a negative thing. If you had gotten a new dress, there would be some part of you pointing out that your arms were fat. You didn't bother voicing your opinions to your parents because you were their daughter, and they would love you no matter what. 

You did voice your troubles to Sarah and she insisted that there was nothing wrong with you. She told you that everyone is beautiful in their own way. And although that might be true, it was hard for you to believe her. You felt like she didn't understand. You didn't know if anyone did. So many celebrities preach about self esteem and self love, but they're celebrities with thousands of people cheering them on while you were just a teenager that had maybe two close friends at the most. 

You did see the good in yourself, but you sometimes could only focus on the bad.

As you got closer and closer to the pier, you pulled out your phone to shut it off. You just wanted some peace and quiet to yourself. You had been thinking way too much about JJ the past few days. He was literally taking up your entire life. Constantly, you wondered what he was doing and if he was thinking about you. You were getting scared. You were liking JJ way too fast. You weren't even official yet and you already thought about what your lives would be like five years from now. You had to get a grip. JJ was a boy. A teenage boy, to be more specific. And you doubted if he even thought about you twice. Teenage boys, from your limited experience of Rafe, rarely thought about their future with a girl and mostly cared about when they would get laid. 

Although you desperately believed JJ was different, and in some ways he was, you didn't want to get ahead of yourself. 

Just as you were deciding to forget about JJ, you see him. He had just exited out of a wagon, that looked like John B.'s car, and was carrying his backpack, seemingly unaware that you're 10 feet away from him. 

You're confused, to say the least. He had said he was very busy "researching" something. And now, he was at the beach.

"JJ?" You call out to him, literally almost right behind him now.

He whips his head around and watches you approach him, eyes wide. Now you know he's been lying to you. He's so surprised to see you hear, you can hear him gasp. "Y/N?"

You furrow your brows. "Uh, yeah. What are you doing here?"

JJ acts cool, trying to play off the fact that he is not only surprised to see you, but also that he has lied to you as well. "Nothing much. You?"

You put. "I'm just going to the beach. I thought you said you were doing research with John B., Pope and Kiara?"

JJ shrugs, giving off his pompous smirk. This time, you notice a little bit of worry though. "We stopped. I wanted to take a break." JJ looks to the wagon again, almost as if he's checking to make sure no one is coming out.

Then it clicks. He doesn't want you here. He's scared to be seen with you. He doesn't want his friends to know he's with a Kook. Why else would he lie to you and check to make sure no one sees you together. You wanna cry. He's ashamed to be with you.

"Are you -" you choke up, tears welling in your eyes. You promise you won't let him see you cry. "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"

JJ looks back to you, frowning. "What? No."

You roll your eyes. "You clearly are lying to me about research, and now you're obviously checking to see if John B., Pope or Kiara can see you talking to me. What's going on?"

JJ grabs for your hand but you pull away. You're not gonna fall for it a second time. He was so pervasive in the janitors closet, you had been a fool to believe him. But now, you would know longer be a fool. 

"You gotta leave." He said, nodding to the direction opposite of the beach. "I'll explain everything later."

You scoff. He can't be serious. "Are you fuckin' with me?" You shake your head, rubbing your temples. How could you be so stupid? Of course he fools you. It'sJJ Maybank. The guy who has broken so many hearts. You were probably just gonna be another notch under his belt. 

"You're that embarrassed? God, I should be embarrassed. I'm the one who likes you." You spit back, trying to hurt him as much as he is hurting you.

You can tell you have hurt him. Just by the way he steps back, almost as if you've actually hit him. He looks to the ground, sighs, and then looks to you. "I'll explain everything later. You have to leave."

You shake your head. Unbelievable. You're too stubborn. So, instead, you push past him and race to the wagon, where you know everyone is. JJ tries to catch up to you but you're faster than him. You're not wearing heels anymore. 

In one swift motion, you slide open one side of the door, revealing four bodies huddled in one area instead of the three you thought there would be. Sarah is the extra person. You want to act surprised but deep down you knew she was blowing you off to hang out with her new friends. It was more than a coincidence that Sarah and JJ were busy on the same day.

They all had their backs turned towards you until you spoke. "Sarah?" Although you wanted your voice to come out strong, you could hear the hurt in it. 

You didn't care if Sarah wanted to hang out with John B. and his friends but she didn't have to lie to you. Now you suspected something even worse. You thought that maybe it wasn't because you were a Kook that JJ was embarrassed of you, maybe it was just you. JJ hung out with Sarah and she was a Kook and he seemed to have no problem. Maybe him and Sarah were just both too embarrassed to be seen with you in front of their Pogue friends. This realization made you want to cry. But you held it together. If this was the truth, then you would only cry in the comfort of your own home. You wouldn't give them the satisfaction to see you cry.

That little voice in your head was laughing at you.

Once they hear you, they all jump and cover whatever they are doing and turn to see you. They are all acting super suspicious and you're wondering what the hell is under the thing they just covered. It looked like a pot to you but what could they be melting?

Sarah is the first one to speak. "Y/N? What are you doing here?"

You decide to lie. If JJ was too embarrassed to be seen with you, then you wouldn't want to embarrass him further by telling everyone about you two. "I was looking for you."

You feel JJ behind you, out of breath. Before Sarah speaks, he does. "Sorry guys, she's faster than she looks."

You pretend he hasn't spoken and instead continue to look to Sarah. "If you didn't want to hang out with me, you could've just said so."

Sarah frowns, clearly confused. "What? No, that's not it."

Before Sarah can continue to speak, Kiara steps in. "Sarah don't."

You glare at Kiara. You honestly thought she liked you and now, she seemed like she could care less. "Stop what?"

Sarah looked to John B. and he sighed before looking at you. "We should tell her now."

You were beyond confused. Tell you what?

Sarah nodded. "She won't tell a soul. Right Y/N?"

You nodded, still frowning. What the hell was going on. Tell you what? Trust you with what? None of them were making sense.

JJ spoke up this time. "No, if she knows, she's a target too."

You look at JJ, glaring at him. No one is speaking and you know it's because they can't believe JJ cares about something that doesn't involve him. You're a little surprised too but you're still upset so you don't show how surprised you are. "Don't look out for me. I wanna know."

JJ glares at you, almost upset that you want to make a decision for yourself. You glare right back and move farther away from him. You can't stand to be beside him. You still feel like such an idiot. 

John B. nods to Sarah and then Sarah looks at you. She's giving you a polite smile, as if she's about to give you some life changing news. Finally, when she speaks, it's barely over a whisper. "We found the Royal Merchant."

You furrow your brow. You have obviously heard of the Royal Merchant and the 400 million dollars in gold that was hidden somewhere in OBX, but it had been almost 2 centuries and still, it had never been found. Historians spent their entire professional careers trying to locate the Royal Merchant while five teenagers found it themselves. This didn't make any sense to you and you could tell that everyone knew you would never more convincing. So, Kiara steps forward and takes the cover off of the pot, where numerous bars of gold are being melted; unsuccessfully may you add. 

You're in complete shock. "What the hell?"

John B. finds your reaction humorous. "Yeah right?"

You looked to John B. "How the hell did you find it?"

John B. chuckled. "Long story. I'll tell you later."

Finally, for the first time since you arrived, Pope spoke up. "But right now, we need to find a way to melt the gold."

He seemed to be very shy around you and you knew why. Rafe had beaten the shit out of him recently and you were the person to break it up. You told Rafe to basically fuck off and you tried to help Pope by getting him an ice pack, but he left before you got the chance. These were just one of the many arguments you had with Rafe before eventually breaking things off. Although you knew Pope was grateful, you had a connection to that day. Although you would never do this, Pope was embarrassed you might tell someone what had happened. Only JJ and you really knew what had gone down that day and it was better, for the sake of Pope's pride, that no one else knew. You weren't surprised that Topper's boat had sunk only hours after the attack. You knew Pope had something to do with it and you were happy he fought back. Then, JJ had gotten arrested for it and you knew he covered for Pope. It didn't seem right only JJ was the one getting in trouble and not Rafe and Topper as well but you knew that it was because they're Kooks.

You smiled at Pope, trying to let him know that he didn't have to tread so lightly around you. He instantly looked away though, not getting the point you were trying to make. Then, you had an epiphany.

"My dad has a torch you could use."

They all look at you, smiling softly. You smile back, ignoring the stupid smirk JJ has on his lips. 

Kiara is the first one to speak. "You're just about the smartest person here."

You laugh, your insecurities quieting down for a moment. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe Sarah wasn't embarrassed by you but genuinely couldn't tell you what was going on. You believed that but wasn't so ready to forgive JJ who had, for the second time, made it clear he was embarrassed by you.

John B. spoke then, looking at Sarah. "Well, I think we should listen to Y/N. Let's go get that torch."

~

Your dad wasn't much of a handyman. A few summers ago, he had bought over a hundred dollars worth of tools and equipment just in case there was something broken, he could help fix it. He was proven to be no help though because the man could barely hold a wrench properly, let alone fix the air conditioning in your house. Most of the tools went to waste or were stored in his garage, where you had actually used a couple in the years since he bought it. 

Your dad was always trying to find new hobbies and things to do to keep himself busy, especially in the summer time where he wasn't working as much. That summer, he had bought tools but this summer, he was working on his garden. That's why he had hired JJ to mow his lawn. He couldn't figure out how to work the lawn mower and hired someone to do it for him. Most days this summer he spent outside in the backyard, planting flowers and vegetables. Your mom was there with him. She was either reading a book or bossing him around and you kinda found it funny that a woman who would never be caught dead in the dirt, was bossing someone around like that.

Today was no exception. As John B. parked in front of your house, you could already see from your backyard that your dad was digging up new soil to plant something else while your mom was telling him how to do it. 

Unfortunately this wasn't going to be an easy situation. You had to get a large torch from the garage and past your parents. You wondered if it could fit in your backpack but you didn't have time to worry about that. You needed to think of an excuse as to why you were home so early and why you needed to go into the garage.

JJ got out of the car and slid the door open for you. JJ was staring at you but you made no effort to look at him. The drive to your house was torture. You tried to ignore him as you talked to everyone about the torch and how to melt the gold but you could feel JJ's eyes burn into the back of your head. You refused to be the first one to speak to him though. 

You got out of the car, not bothering to say anything to JJ as you did. You looked to John B., who had his window on the drivers side rolled down. 

He was smiling at you. "You got this?"

You shrugged. "Can't be too hard."

John B. nodded, glancing at JJ who was still looking at you before looking at Sarah. He had a bemused smile on your face and so did Sarah, telling you that they were catching on pretty quick. You knew if JJ didn't cut out the stares soon, everyone would know. For a guy who didn't want anyone to know you had a thing, he was making it pretty obvious.

You were about to walk away but were stopped by JJ speaking up. "I'll go with you."

You glared at him, a scowl on your lips. "What?"

Everyone was quiet, even you. Except JJ. He couldn't keep his mouth shut

"You might need help." What the hell was he doing?

You shook your head quickly, the scowl still on your lips. "I'm getting a torch from a garage, not smuggling drugs. Besides, what are you gonna do? Point your gun at my parents?" 

You could hear Pope snickering. You glanced at him and he was the only one out of everyone that had a smile one his face. This was so out of character for JJ, everyone except Pope seemed surprised.

JJ frowned at you, clearly offended you brought the gun thing up. "Whatever. Just go."

You gave him a fake smile. "Yeah, thanks." Sarcasm was coursing through every word you spoke.

Finally, you walked away, pushing the thought of JJ's behaviour from your mind. The closer you got to your house, the more you wracked your brain with a sufficient lie to tell your parents. You couldn't think of anything. You hope that in the moment, your brain would think of something.

When you entered your backyard, your mom was the first to see you enter. She immediately stopped bossing your father around and instead smiled at you. 

"Hey honey. I thought you were at the beach?"

You smiled at her, your nerves making you feel nauseous. "Yeah, I had to grab something."

Your dad looked up at you as you approached him. You stopped to save at him and he waved back. "What is it?"

You had to come up with something and now. Finally, your mind clicked. "They're doing a sandcastle contest on the beach today and I don't have a small shovel to use. Thought I'd go to the garage and get one."

You braced yourself for all of the questions and interrogation but you didn't get that. Your parents just smiled at you and nodded, clearly not being able to care less. You then quickly made your way to the garage past your dad before they had the chance to process your lie anymore. You feared if they thought too much about it, they would ask questions you couldn't answer. 

When you entered the garage, you finally realized how much time had passed since anyone had used anything inside. There was dust covering just about every tool inside this room, making your chest feel heavy. You wasted no time, ignoring the heavy feeling in your chest because of all the dust. You remembered JJ's allergy to dust and smiled at the thought of him having to clean the lawn mower before using it. 

You frowned. Again, you were thinking of him. You had to stop. He was most definitely not doing this. Why did your brain want to relate everything you were doing to JJ? You knew the answer but refused to acknowledge it. It wasn't a place nor time to.

As you looked through the third shelf, you finally found the torch. It was dusty and dirty but with one flick of the switch, you could tell it still worked. It was pretty huge but you opened your backpack and were glad to realize it fit in there perfectly. You praised whatever type of creator there was looking out for you and discreetly exited the garage, pretending like nothing happened.

You seriously underestimated your parents ability to care. They were again, back to their antics when you exited the garage. They didn't even bother saying goodbye, too busy with the garden. You quietly said bye though, hoping that they at least heard you. It was so hard sometimes. You felt like they could care less. 

Once you approached the wagon, John B. was the first person to see you. JJ was sitting in the car, his back turned to you as he spoke to Pope. You could tell he was purposely ignoring you. You admitted that it hurt but you were doing the same to him so you couldn't exactly be mad. Besides, he deserved it.

"You got it?" John B. asked, watching as you unzipped your bag and showed him the torch. 

You smiled. "Yep."

Everyone cheered, except JJ. He just stared at you, softly smiling as you handed the torch to Kiara. You closed the door behind you and sat down next to Kiara and she flipped the switch on and held it underneath the pot. Everyone surrounded you guys and watched the gold melted this time, way faster than before. When you all noticed it was working, you cheered. This time JJ joined in and hugged Pope.

"We're gonna be rich!" He yelled with joy as he hugged John B. 

You tried to smile but you couldn't help it. You wanted to go to him and embrace him. You were missing him so much and he was only two feet away. You knew you couldn't though. You were supposed to be mad at him. He was embarrassed to be with you. You should be offended. And you were. But that didn't mean everything you felt for him was forgotten. You didn't think it ever would be.

"What do we do now?" You asked, smiling at Sarah who reached for your hand. 

Kiara leaned on your shoulder, wrapping her arm around your body. She glanced at Sarah and smiled. You knew that had made up. Finally, you guys could all be friends again. 

Then, Kiara spoke. "We have to sell it."

~

The cash for gold shop hadn't exactly been your first choice when Kiara said you would have to sell it. You didn't know much about selling gold (actually you knew nothing) but selling it at a sketchy cash for gold shop was definitely not the best idea. But it was the only one you guys had. Besides, in the worst case scenario, they wouldn't buy the gold from you. Then, you'd just have to be more creative. Seemed simple enough.

"Great work by the way Kie," JJ sarcastically said as you all exited John B.'s wagon. "I could've done better."

You scoffed and were about to tell him off but Kiara did it first. "Really? How?"

"I took a woodshop class." JJ said proudly, glancing at you. You showed no emotion.

Kiara scoffed, an annoyed look on his face. "Oh really? When? When?"

Before JJ could respond, John B. told them to shut up and handed JJ the gold. It was now melted into a ridged circle and although it wasn't the ideal shape, it was the best Kiara could do.

"Why do I get chosen for this?" JJ asked, playing with the gold in his hands.

You were quick to reply. "Because you're the best at lying."

Everyone looked at you, surprised. JJ was surprised the most, widening his eyes at you before looking away and storming off to the entrance of the cash for gold shop. You all followed behind him but you were the last to enter. You had never been in a place like this and wasn't exactly sure how to act. Kiara helped you though. He grabbed a hold of your arm and dragged you away from the register where JJ was and instead pulled you to a section where gold jewelry was being sold. You could hear JJ speak to the lady at the register but you pretended you didn't and even looked away from them.

As you browsed the jewelry section with Kiara, you looked to Sarah, who was flipping through some clothing with John B. She was smiling and snickering at something he was saying and you couldn't help but smile. No boy ever made Sarah act like that and you were beyond happy for her. At least John B. wasn't afraid to be with her.

Kiara spoke as she shifted through the jewelry, focusing your attention back on her. "What's up with JJ?"

You pretended to act dumb. "I don't know."

Kiara glanced at JJ, then looked back to you. "He's not been himself since the Midsummer party. You were there, right?"

You nonchalantly nodded at her, praying to god you didn't seem suspicious. "Uh, yeah. But I never really spoke to him."

"Really?" Kiara said, surprised. "I saw you dance with him."

You panicked. You did not want to tell Kiara something that obviously meant nothing to JJ. He didn't want to tell everyone for a reason. "Yeah, but it was like for two seconds."

Kiara nodded, clearly smirking at you. "Ah, okay. I just thought that maybe you two had a thing going on."

You looked at Kiara, eyes wide. "What? Why?"

Kiara shrugged, looking at you now. "I don't know. JJ rarely treads lightly around girls and that's exactly what he's doing. Just thought that maybe you had a thing and he messed it up."

You frowned, almost embarrassed about how transparent you both have been about the situation. "Why do you think he would mess it up?"

Kiara shrugged. "Sometimes JJ is an idiot."

You nod, looking down at the jewelry for a second before looking back at Kiara who's smirking at you. She knows the truth and you know there's no more hiding it. "He is."

Kiara chuckled. "So you guys are a thing?"

You shrugged. "I have no idea. One second he wants me and the next second I feel like he's embarrassed to be seen with me."

Kiara nods as you speak, smiling sweetly at you. Then, when you're done, she offers you some advice. "I don't wanna take any sides but have you ever thought of it the other way around?"

You furrow your brow, confused. "What do you mean?" 

You glance at JJ, who is now shaking hands with the lady at the register and making his way to John B. You watch them high five before they start walking to the door. JJ passes you as you and Kiara continue to stand there, waiting for them to exit first. JJ glances at you and gives you a half hearted smile. Your heart picks up pace and you feel the butterflies in your stomach. You can't help but give him the same smile back.

When you look back to Kiara, she's smiling. She obviously just saw that moment between you two. "Maybe, he's embarrassed that you have to be seen with him."

And, for the first time today, you realize you've made a huge mistake.

~

You thought that this was a terrible idea. The lady at the register told JJ she didn't have enough money in cash to give to him right now but if they drove to an isolated area in OBX, then they could collect the money from her safe. You had voiced how stupid this was, and Sarah and Kiara were willing to agree but JJ insisted that there was nothing to worry about.

For the first fifteen minutes, JJ seemed to be right. Other than deserted farms and fields, there seemed to be no life on this side of town. And with no life, there meant no danger. So, you tried to have faith in JJ as you both drove closer to where the lady said the destination was. 

But, before you guys could make it, you heard police sirens. A car with lights was signalling for you to pull over. You cursed aloud.

"What the fuck?" JJ cursed, looking behind you and clutching the knapsack where the gold was.

"JJ," Kiara said, her eyes widening. "You didn't bring the gun right?"

JJ said nothing as Pope and him hid the bag underneath JJ's seat. He was ignoring you as he argued with Pipe on how to hide the gold. John B. was pulling over slowly and also yelling at JJ to hide the gold. 

When he didn't answer you, you spoke up. "JJ! Did you bring the fucking gun?"

JJ's head flew up and looked at you. When he finally hid the knapsack properly, he spoke to you. "No! Of course not. Everyone told me not to bring it."

You sighed, relieved. If you got in trouble with the cops because JJ brought a gun along, you knew your parents would kill you. 

As the figure approached the car, you all looked down and stayed silent. John B. had his window rolled down and was about to speak but before he could, you heard him gasp.

You all instantly looked up. A man with a mask covering half his face pointed a gun at John B. The barrel was right in John B.'s face and you could hear Sarah let out a sob. 

"Get out of the car!" The man ordered, moving your side of the car and sliding the door opened. 

When he locked eyes with you, he pointed the gun at you. You instantly raised your hands in the air. Before he could yell any orders, JJ stepped in front of you, blocking you from the gun. The man got upset and dragged JJ to the ground before pointing the gun back at you.

"JJ!" You screamed, wanting to reach out for him but you knew you couldn't.

"Go lie face down over there!" The man yelled, pointing the gun at Kiara now. 

JJ slowly got up and walked to the ground where the man pointed and laid flat against his stomach. Then, you followed after JJ, doing the same. As you lay beside him, he reached for your hand. You let him grab it but you refused to look at him. Then, Sarah law beside you. Then, Kiara and Pope. Finally, John B. was the last to lay down. When you were all on the ground, the man started to ransack John B.'s wagon. You knew what he was looking for. That lady had tipped off this guy and thought of a better and free way to get the gold. JJ caught on about the same time as you did because you then heard him smack the ground with his other hand and groan.

"JJ..." You whispered, squeezing his hand. This time you had to look at him and when you did, you could see the angry tears in his eyes.

He shook his head at you. "That lady must've tipped him off."

You nodded, scooting closer to him. You wanted to comfort him and tell him it wasn't his fault but you couldn't speak. Instead, you leaned forward and you brushed your lips against his. When you pulled away, JJ was already leaning back in to kiss you again. Everyone had their heads down so they didn't notice this moment but you felt instantly calmer. You looked at him and gave him a soft smile. He nodded and then looked away from you and to the man again.

You decided to look as well and when you saw what he had in his hand, your stomach dropped. He found the gold. He then put it in his big cargo pocket and pointed the gun at each of them.

"Don't any of you move until I'm gone."

As you looked at everyone on the ground, you saw a discrepancy. John B. was no longer there with all of you, laying on his stomach. You were incredibly confused. Where the hell was he? You looked back to JJ and he had the same confused look at his face.

The man made his way back to the car and sat down in the driver's seat. Before he could turn the car back on, John B. came up from the back seat and started choking and punching the guy. You gasped and wanted to look to JJ but he was already up and helping John B. over power the guy with a gun. 

"JJ!" You screamed, scared that he was gonna get himself hurt. You knew he needed help though and you were more than willing to help.

Kiara was the second person to get up from the floor. She joined in on the fighting and soon you all followed after her, kicking and punching the guy who had a gun to each of your heads only moments ago. 

Finally, when you all decided he had enough, you back away. JJ did the honours of removing his mask so that you could see his face. You didn't recognize him but he looked familiar. Apparently JJ did recognize him though.

"He's a drug dealer." 

Then it clicked. He was Rafe's drug dealer. "He sold Rafe drugs." You said aloud. 

The guy looked to you, clutching his side in pain but still smiling. "Your Rafe's girl? He told me about you and how bitchy you are."

Before you could defend yourself, JJ was already doing so by punching the guy once again. You gasped loudly and so did everyone else. Everyone looked to you, almost as if asking why the hell JJ was acting so weird but you couldn't give them a good explanation. It was getting harder and harder to deny your relationship with JJ, especially if he was acting this defensive whenever someone disrespected you.

"Shut up!" JJ yelled at the guy, storming away from him. You knew he was trying his best to control himself.

"JJ," you softly said, following him. He was walking farther and farther away from everyone and it was hard to keep up. When he finally leaned against John B.'s wagon, you spoke again. "It's okay."

JJ put his head in his hands and sighed. You pulled his hands away from his face and made him look at you. When he did, you saw the tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

You knew he didn't mean for what he just did. He was angry at the drug dealer but more angry at himself. Everything was building up for JJ and you knew this was his breaking point.

You shook your head. "It's fine."

This time JJ shook his head. "No, it's not. I keep messing up."

You softly smiled at him, cupping his head on your hands. "No, you're not."

JJ pushed you away. "No, I am. Y/N, I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. Shit, I'd be singing it from every fuckin' rooftop in OBX if I could."

You chuckled, coming closer again. "Then why don't you?"

JJ frowned. "Did you not just see the danger I've already put you in. I'm a fuckin' trainwreck."

You were gonna cry. You hated seeing JJ put himself down like this. If only he saw himself the way you saw him. "No you're not. Anything that's happened to me today is because I wanted to help. It's not your fault."

You reached out for JJ but he pushed you away again. "I'm a Pogue and you're a Kook. I'm just gonna put you in unnecessary danger."

You rolled your eyes. "Can't we just drop those titles? It's not important to me."

JJ shook his head. "Of course it's not. You're a Kook. You don't know what it's like."

Although that stung, you knew it was true. It was easier for you to stay that those differences didn't matter. You were privileged as a Kook. A privilege JJ never had. You had never walked a day in his shoes and experienced his pain. And until you did, you would never understand it.

"So, you're trying to protect me?" You scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest.

JJ nodded, looking down at his shoes. "Of course."

You rolled your eyes and smiled. Without a second's hesitation, you leaned forward and hugged him. JJ was taken aback for a second. He was sure that you were going to slap him or hurt him for what he said to you but instead, you were happy? He couldn't understand. 

"JJ," you said softly, letting go of JJ for a moment only to keep your arms wrapped around his neck. "I need you. You make me happy. Whatever I don't understand, I can learn. I want to make it work. I'd never be ashamed of you."

JJ tried not to smile as wide but he couldn't help it. His arms came to wrap around your bare stomach, only now realizing that you were only wearing a bikini top. 

"Okay." He said, leaning forward to kiss you softly. You instantly leaned forward to kiss him back.

No matter how many kisses, no matter how many butterflies, kissing JJ always felt like the first time. You had officially decided there was no better feeling in the world than to kiss JJ Maybank.

Once you broke apart, you wanted to speak again and tell him everything you felt for him, even if you only knew him for less than a week. You felt something so strongly for him already but you were scared to admit it. You were scared he didn't feel the same. You had barely known each other. Luckily, you didn't get a chance to say anything because before you can speak, John B. is calling out the both of you.

"Hey love birds! Wanna help?"

You could hear everyone snickering at you and JJ as you awkwardly realized what you had just done in front of your friends. You both distanced yourselves from each other and smiled. 

JJ flipped off John B. and looked at you. "I hope you're ready for the Pogue experience."

You smiled wider and nodded. For the millionth time this week, you looked at JJ and couldn't believe someone like JJ Maybank could make you feel like this.

And you knew, it was just the beginning.

~

tag list: @dolanfivsosxox @obxrush @bellakellyrose03 @belledutchess @sexualparkour @lueurglow @itsriasblog @maries110911 @ebonyyyy-e @teamnick @tangledinsparkles @sarahsmaybank @91912512 @shawnssongs @ssjiara @amarachoren

#jj maybank #outer banks #jj obx #jj outer banks #obx #obx fanfiction #obx netflix #john b obx #john b outer banks #john b routledge #pope obx #pope outer banks #pope heyward #kiara carrera #kiara outer banks #kiara #obx kiara #sarah cameron #sarah outer banks #jj x reader #obx rp #rafe obx

[probablynotsamantha]

My god it's just dawning on me how badly I've fucked up. I know that there are tons of people who go through community college and I'm going to a pretty good one and this doesn't reflect badly on me as a person or anything, and of course my situation could always be worse, but damn I have fucked myself. I have no friends here, making friends has always been kinda hard for me, and it's sure as hell not helping that all of my interaction is going to be happening via Zoom. If I'd just been able to make myself do the fucking work I'd have much better grades and could probably have gotten in just about anywhere I wanted. If I'd just done more applications and college research I wouldn't have relied on two schools I probably didn't have the grades for. If I'd just made sure to send my SAT score to UMD instead of assuming that the form where they ask you to self-report your SAT score was good enough, maybe they'd have been willing to look past my GPA. If I'd just fucking done anything even remotely approaching the bare minimum I'd be going to college with friends. Instead I'm alone. All my friends are posting on their instagrams about how excited they are to go off to college and be with their friends and peers and I'm stuck living in this shitty household where I get no acceptance and have basically been forced back into the closet and I just feel so lost and hopeless. I had my early teen years taken away by depression and anxiety so bad I would just refuse to go to school and I don't even know why. Now for my late teens I get all that plus the consequences of my own actions and my parents not accepting me being trans.

Why didn't I just stop being such a lazy piece of shit and just do the work like everyone else. Sure, I spent all my time watching YouTube because life was intolerable when I wasn't distracting myself, but even that felt empty. I needed help so badly and I just never got any. It wasn't available. All I got at Norwood was being yelled at for not doing the work, and at Blair I got that and also some "well I understand it's hard but there's really nothing I can do about it, I'm sorry". I clearly needed help but there just wasn't any help available. Of course my parents were just find sending me to a class designed to help develop my social skills when I was 5 (being 5 i didn't really understand it and I have very few memories of it but I do remember it being stressful at times and looking back on it it seems kinda like a "here's how to speak neurotypical" class, which while helpful for the world we live in it doesn't make it any less disgusting that I was taught helpful strategies to make eye contact with people (take a step back if you're uncomfortable) instead of respecting the fact that eye contact made (and still often does make) me uncomfortable. That was just fine, but both I and my psychiatrist had to pester my parents for several years before I finally was able to get into therapy again, i had tried therapy before once but did not have a good experience, how much of that was me being like 10-12 and how much of that was actual issues idk, also they had some sort of diagnostic process also which I think is how I got my autism diagnosis which I don't even really know if I have because my parents didn't explain anything of what was going on to me, just that I was to talk to this doctory person every week (I knew vaguely it was therapy but nothing beyond that) and the only reason I know of that diagnosis is because it was on a piece of paper I saw my psychiatrist holding that appeared to be a list of my diagnoses (at least I can't think what else a piece of paper with my name on it and a few other things I knew I had could be), which of course means I constantly doubt that I actually saw that because surely they would've told me, and surely it would show up on my Sibley portal under diagnoses (even though that doesn't show several other things I know I have been diagnosed with), and also I'm nervous I would get in trouble for reading that because it wasn't at all clear it was something I was allowed to read (though it did have my name at the top so I assumed it was fine). But recently my parents were talking about going through that testing I did when I was 10 or whatever again (they gave a reason that wasn't entirely clear), and they said something about not entirely believing the results and so now I'm fairly convinced that I did indeed get diagnosed but my parents just refused to believe it because there's no way their child could be autistic, just like there's no way their child could be trans. But yeah, even despite all of that I should've just done the work instead of feeling sorry for myself, and then I'd be ready to go off to college with friends instead of being stuck alone. The thing that really gets me is that I might never fucking see these people again. I can't stand that. I never got to spend enough time with them while I had it because I was always busy or unable to make plans or couldn't do something because my parents wouldn't let me and now that opportunity might be gone forever. Except for the bunch that are at UMD (and even that isn't exactly close), the closest friend I have is in Princeton. They're people I would gladly spend the rest of my life with, and now some of them are over TWO FUCKING THOUSAND miles away. I don't know that I can cope with that. I just... my heart is broken. I remember not really understanding why it's called a broken heart either, but holy shit my chest hurts so fucking badly it does kinda feel like my heart is broken. The idea of never seeing the people who I care about the most again feels just terrible. There's also the whole problem with classes at MC, like there just

aren't really that many classes that interest me, and the fastest way to get me to not do work is to have me be bored out of my mind. All of that isn't even counting all the struggles I have with being trans and having my parents be unaccepting and my sister not being great either and neither are neighborhood friends tbh (though the latter two may be because we are often around parents who are shitty).

Oh and just to make everything worse my bed is full of ants because I'm a fucking slob and can't be bothered to keep my bed clean (the fact that I left half a pizza crust there in my haste to leave for vacation a week ago probably didn't help).

Earlier I was genuinely contemplating just packing a bag and leaving. Problem is, I have nowhere to go. Part of me wants to just hop on a plane somewhere and get a shitty job and start a new shitty life. Another part of me just wants it all to end. It's not like there's really any difference to anyone if I'm dead if we weren't ever gonna speak again. I wouldn't ever actually kill myself, but just the fact that it occurred to me is terrifying. I just don't see any way the future could possibly be even remotely enjoyable.

I need to live in a world that has help for people like me and I just don't.

#rants #this is just stream of consciousness more or less #I'm probably blaming myself too much #but like #fuck i had so much handed to me on a silver platter #and i went and threw it all away #the worst part is i feel like i deserve it all #and i probably doxxed myself with all the information i gave out but tbh i dont care #to my blair senior friends: if any of you guys somehow see this y'all are the best and I'm sorry I was never the friend you guys deserve

[bitch-in-a-bag]

can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

#trans rights #homosexuality #human rights #lgbt #lgbt community #trans #tw: rape #transphobia

[karajaynetoday]

these arms would not be taught to hold another's, 'cause we're the special two | ashton irwin

image credit

Hello tumblr pals! Hope you’re having a wonderful day. As promised, here’s a little epilogue for it’s not the pain they’re getting over, it’s the love. i’ve tried to make it as soft and loving as possible, because i feel that these characters deserve a bit of that after everything they’ve gone through. thanks for all of your support and feedback on this little series, it’s always going to be special to me, and i love knowing how much it has resonated with you <3 

Here is Part One, Part Two,  Part Three and Part Four if you’d like to revisit them first. This part is inspired a little by The Special Two by Missy Higgins, and the italics in the piece are lyrics from the song. 

Word count: 1.7k

Warnings: mention of death of a parent, mention of exhaustion, anxiety, depression

(This is a fem reader insert)

More writing here | send thoughts/feedback/suggestions here | if you’d like to be on my taglist go here

I've hardly been outside my room in days 'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays

It’d been two months or so since Ashton had driven away from you on that rainy, gloomy morning. You’d tried your best to push through the overwhelming loneliness that you felt once he’d gone, and you were back to being by yourself in your mother’s house again. Your siblings were pushing through their own grief by keeping busy and moving forward, making plans to move out and pursue university studies or travel the world, and it warmed your heart to know that they were going to be okay. But at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel like you were losing that sense of being needed that you’d held for so much of your life, and a sense of hopelessness was beginning to creep into its place.

This time around, the distance was made less painful by daily text messages and weekly video calls. You thought you’d feel awkward talking to Ashton through a screen, after such an intense time together in person over the last little while, but it felt so comforting and natural that neither of you ever missed a call. Ashton was somewhere in Europe, France maybe? And he’d be criss-crossing over the continent for the next few months. You saw the excitement in his eyes when you mentioned that you’d always wanted to visit Europe, Italy especially, but you stopped him mid-sentence when he offered to book you a flight. You weren’t ready to leave here, not yet. You just needed more time to feel like yourself again. Ashton reassured you and said he understood, like he always did, and that he would be waiting whenever you were ready. 

When you're young you have this image of your life That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife

You’d started to feel increasingly out of sorts. At first the fatigue felt like an overdue episode of being burnt out, which was understandable given how draining your life had been lately. But then there were other mysterious symptoms too, that didn’t quite add up, so you managed to drag yourself out of bed and to a doctor’s appointment. They couldn’t diagnose you with anything unexpected, and there were murmurs of exhaustion, anxiety, depression, too much stress. They sent you on your way with referrals and prescriptions, and you spent the next few weeks being put on waiting lists and at appointments and trying new things, until slowly the haze began to lift. It didn’t clear entirely, and you knew from your past experiences that it would never totally fade, but you were able to get out of bed in the mornings for no other reason than because you wanted to, which was an achievement within itself.

The lawyers had dealt with your mother’s will swiftly, noting that the house and belongings were to be split equally amongst you and your siblings. After a few emotional days revisiting old belongings and the old memories that came with them, you’d all agreed that selling it and moving out to newer places was the best way forward. It would be hard to part with the place that you’d grown up in, and it’d be strange to come home to somewhere new, or celebrate Christmases or birthdays around a different kitchen table, but it also felt like that was exactly what your mother would have wanted for her loved ones: to cherish her memory by living their lives as brightly as she shone down on them. 

But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight Until we're the special two once again

The house sold quicker than you’d anticipated, and all of sudden you were surrounded by moving boxes with no real sense or desire to move them anywhere. Your heart had always belonged here, in the familiar streets and secret hideaways and creature comforts of home, but lately it had longed for something else. Something more. Some sort of adventure, some sort of change of scenery. It was one of those now or never moments, and you were torn over what to do. Stepping away and recognising that your family would be alright without you constantly by their side was a hard pill to swallow, but it was also so freeing. 

One afternoon, Ashton’s mother had invited you out for coffee. You could tell she was keeping a watchful eye on you, no doubt out of loyalty to your mother and love for you, but you also had a suspicion that a certain son of hers had asked her to make sure you were doing okay. You were chatting away, talking about your dilemma about where to move house next, when she pulled a piece of paper out of her bag and slid it across the table. You immediately recognised it as Ashton’s tour itinerary, and four days off in Italy had been circled in pink highlighter.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. 

“Absolutely not. I cannot fly to Europe, not now. I don’t have anywhere to live yet, and there’s forms to sign, and boxes to sort out, and…”

All she did was fix you with an amused stare, and you could see the mischievous glint in her eye that you’d seen in Ashton’s many a time before. 

Within a matter of hours, your flight was booked. Your moving boxes would go to storage for now, and you could sort them out whenever it was that you returned. You’d been sworn to secrecy, and added to a WhatsApp group message of some people that you hadn’t spoken to in years, but they were thrilled to hear you were on your way. Apparently Ashton had been missing you much more than he’d let on in your video calls, and your heart leapt when you realised how soon you’d be reunited.

And we can only see each other, we'll breathe together

These arms will not be taught to need another's

'Cause we're the special two

The flights were long but uneventful, and before you knew it you were on your way to a hotel in Italy, trying not to bite your nails out of nerves. The band schedule had a few days off after today, but in their messages to you, Michael, Calum and Luke had explained that you were welcome to join the tour for as long as you’d like. It seemed silly, to feel so close to people who were virtually strangers, but they also felt like family, and you felt like you were ready to embrace something new.

The plan was to surprise Ashton after the show, because if you arrived beforehand, you knew he wouldn’t want to let you go when he was called to stage. You met Kat, the tour assistant, in the lobby, and she was so kind and warm that you felt immediately calmer in her presence. That was until the elevator doors opened onto the band’s floor, and she handed you a key card and wished you luck.

Fuck. This was happening. You’d just flown half way around the world to surprise someone that you were even officially in a relationship with. Who were you? It felt bizarre, and surreal, and so unlike you, but at the same time, something propelled your feet down the corridor. Your heart was pumping, and your hands were clammy, but your knock on the door was firm and strong. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply in the few moments you had to yourself before the door swung open, and Ashton stood in front of you for the first time in months.

Watching his reaction would’ve made you laugh, if you didn’t immediately start crying from the overwhelming sense of relief. He was confused, and then shocked, and then speechless, and then there was that smile. The smile that could power a thousand suns. He reached out his hands towards you, and when you took them he immediately pulled you into his arms. You were both whispering nonsense to each other, and clutching on for dear life, and breathing each other in like you’d had a lifetime apart.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to come home to you.” This time, it was your turn to offer this apology to Ashton, who immediately shook his head before pressing his lips to yours softly. 

“Never apologise, my love. It could take all the time in the world, and I’d still be waiting for you just the same.” 

“Is now a good time to tell you I bought a one way ticket?” You said quietly, eyes darting up to meet Ashton’s gaze. He was looking at you incredulously, and you had a moment of panic about whether or not that was the right decision to have made.

“Are you kidding me? That’s the best fucking news I’ve heard in a long time.” 

There was that smile again, and more soft kisses, and being pulled into the hotel room with giggles and clashing limbs as Ashton tried to maneuver you and your belongings inside, as well as closing the door behind you both. 

A quick shower and a call down to room service for some late night pizza, and then you were settling in under the covers as the lack of sleep on the flights and all your hours of travel started to hit you. You were trying to stay awake, because you didn’t want to miss a moment, but Ashton could see right through you.

“Sleep, my love. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow.” Ashton murmured, absentmindedly drawing small circles into your back as you settled into his chest with a yawn.

“You promise? How about the day after tomorrow?” You asked, cracking one eye open to glare at him in jest.

“The day after, and the day after, and every single day after that until you get sick of me, which will be never, because there’s no one in my life I’m more intertwined with, and it’s my favourite thing about the entire universe.” Ashton explained matter-of-factly, and it made your heart soar.

He reached over to switch off the bedside lamp, and you were bathed in darkness. Sleep overcame you quickly, and instinctively you found safety, and security, and wholeness in Ashton’s arms, as he found in yours. And all you needed was that moment, over and over again, forever. 

These arms would not be taught to need another's

'Cause we're the special two

Taglist: If there’s a line through your name, I couldn’t tag you, so please message me to let me know your new URL or what the go is!  @suchalonelysunflower @blackbutterfliescal @redrattlers @loveroflrh @spicycal @notinthesameguey @metalandboybands @cheekysos @ashton-trash  @another-lonely-heart @queenalienscherrypie  @becihadshawn  @allthestarsandthemoon​

#ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin one shot #ashton irwin fanfiction #my writing #hope you like it! #just a fun lil extra #it's 1am now so i'm going to sleep but happy reading!

[jalapeno-princess]

Ships in the night

Best Friend to Lovers! Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Fluff with some angst

Word Count: 8.9k

Summary: You’ve been in love with your best friend Mark for years, however; seeing as how he was constantly in and out of relationships, you didn’t think he felt the same. Just a few weeks before graduation, you begin dating one of your classmates and when Mark hears that you’re in a relationship, that’s when he realizes that he’s in love with you. But will it be too late?

A/N: Based on the song “Sweet Night” by V (Ugh it is soooooo good I couldn’t stop listening to it and that’s how this idea popped in to my head I find it so irresponsible of myself that I took the time to write this imagine instead of doing my homework) Please enjoy!

On my pillow Can't get me tired Sharing my fragile truth That I still hope the door is open'Cause the window Opened one time with you and me Now my forever's falling down Wondering if you'd want me nowHow could I know One day I'd wake up feeling more But I had already reached the shore Guess we were ships in the night Night, night

Hearing your phone ring in the middle of the night woke you from your slumber and as much as you wanted to continue to let it ring, you knew something was up and whoever was calling had to be in trouble. Why else would someone be calling you at two in the morning? When you saw your best friend’s name and contact photo on your screen, you internally groaned before silently cursing him. 

As much as you loved talking to Mark, you loved your sleep much more. Sleep was a foreign word to you. You’d get three hours a night these days if you were lucky. You knew Mark was aware of this, seeing as how it was midterms week and you were practically pulling all nighters every single night studying and doing your homework. But you also knew that Mark never called you for no reason. Well, there were times he’d call you if he was bored, or when he saw something that reminded him of you. However, the older boy never bothered you about anything unless he really had to. Especially not this late in the evening. That’s why you found yourself answering the call while trying to suppress a yawn. 

“Hello?” 

He released a long sigh before taking a few moments to respond. “Hey. I know you were probably sleeping. I’d like to apologize ahead of time. But I can’t sleep. I was wondering if I could come over?” You looked at the clock on your night stand and frowned when you noticed you only had two hours of sleep left. Mark was one of the only people who held any meaning to you. In fact, he was the owner of your heart. Unfortunately, you just so happened to do something considered to be a rule breaker when it came to friendships of the opposite sex. You fell in love with your best friend. 

It wasn’t like you planned on doing so, but how could you not? The two of you were attached to the hip almost every single day. There wasn’t a time where you both weren’t together. Wherever you went, he followed and you liked it that way. But then came the feelings. He was always so kind to you and never failed to make you feel like you were the only girl in the world. His corny jokes would always make you laugh and he always complimented you on every little thing. Which is why you had a tiny bit of hope that he felt the same way about you. That was until he started getting in to relationships. 

The thing about Mark, was that he hated being single. He always needed to be dating somebody. He loved the feeling of being adored and cared for by someone. However, his relationships would never last. Mark was notorious for breaking up with a girl as soon as he began dating her. It seemed as if he got a different girlfriend every other week and you were extremely curious as to why.

Mark wasn’t a picky guy, yet you couldn’t help but feel as if there was a specific type of girl he was going after and his last few girlfriends just didn’t seem to make the cut. Although he was always getting in to a relationship, this never put a strain on your friendship. Mark made it aware to the girls that he had you in his life and you were always going to be his number one girl but they never seemed to worry about you. Or at least that’s what you thought. 

“Yeah sure. Everything okay?” 

No matter how tired you were just a few moments ago, you were now wide awake with the thought of Mark coming over. He was no stranger to your apartment. In fact, he practically lived there. A lot of his things were scattered throughout your studio and from an outsider’s view, they’d probably think you had a roommate, or maybe even a boyfriend. But he never came over in the wee hours of the morning before, so you knew that whatever was on his mind must’ve been pretty serious. 

“I don’t know. I’ll explain everything when I come over there. See you soon.” 

You took this time to get up from your bed and attempted to make yourself look presentable even if you just woke up not too long ago. You always wanted to look good for Mark, even if you knew he’d never look at you that way. He didn’t have a specific type; each one of his ex girlfriends were all the complete opposite of each other. His last ex girlfriend was tall with short, black hair and the one before that had a petit, tiny frame with long, golden locks. But he never seemed to consider you as someone he’d want to start a relationship with. If he did, the two of you would’ve been together a long time ago. 

Thoughts would pop up in your mind that maybe he didn’t want to ruin your friendship if the two of you were to start dating, but you always would push them to the back of your mind. You didn’t want to give yourself hope that there was a chance he had feelings for you. Twenty minutes after getting off the phone with him, you heard a soft knock on your door to which you were quick to answer. Once you opened the door, you noticed the dark circles under his eyes, his disheveled locks and frown that was currently on his face. Before you could say anything, you were being pulled in to his embrace. He placed his face in to the crook of your neck and released a long sigh. 

“I thought about it on the drive here, I don’t want to tell you what’s going on with me just yet. I know you have to get up pretty soon, so let’s just go to bed. I’m sorry again for bothering you, but now I just need you to hold me. I’ll take you to school in the morning by the way.” You nodded in agreement while leading him to your room. A small smile rose on your face at his words and you were glad the lights were off so he couldn’t see the blush on your cheeks when you noticed what he was wearing. 

Mark was extremely attractive, there was no doubt about it. You’ve seen him wear suits and dress shirts on multiple occasions, but seeing him like this; gray sweatpants and a tank top with his bed hair you were sure he just ran his fingers through was when you thought he was handsomest. You took your place in bed and he immediately followed right after. His arms made their way around your waist as he turned you to face him. 

“Thank you.” You looked up at him in curiosity as he gently grazed your cheek.

“For what?” He shrugged before continuing his ministrations. Mark would always feel the need to touch you. You’ve noticed this throughout your entire friendship. Whether it be placing his arm around your shoulder, gently squeezing your thigh to get your attention, or just pinching your cheek. He needed to be touching you in some way to remind himself that you were real and not a figment of his imagination. You were sure he didn’t see it as anything more than a friendly gesture, but to you, it meant everything. 

It took you a while to understand why his soft touches wouldn’t hesitate to bring warmth to your cheeks. But when you came to terms with your feelings for him, you recognized why you’d get so flustered and you began craving any sort of skin ship the two of you would share. 

“For being you. For allowing me to come here at such a stupid hour of the morning. I’m sure you’re probably irritated with me but you’re doing an amazing job at not showing it. Thank you for putting up with me y/n. It means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. Let’s go to sleep.” 

He turned you back around so that he could pull you closer in to his chest and after a few moments, you felt his warmth breath against your neck as a sign that he had fallen asleep. You on the other hand couldn’t find it in yourself to go to sleep. His words replayed over and over in your mind. 

Thank you for being you. You mean a lot to me. 

You tried your best to turn around slowly in order to face him without the risk of waking him up and began tracing his features. Slowly, your dainty fingers began going over both of his eyebrows, then his sharp nose that he always complained was too big; you thought it was cute. It was one of his features that you loved the most. After grazing along his cheeks, you finally made it down to his lips. You’ve always been so jealous of his lips. They were so pretty. Not only were they heart shaped and a dark shade of pink, they were extremely plump and you’ve always wondered what they tasted like; what they would feel like against yours. 

You were always jealous of his girlfriends, but not because of how they looked. You were jealous because they all got to experience the feeling of his kiss. They got to experience how he was as a boyfriend. Sure, he was an amazing best friend. Mark was very kind, protective, generous and thoughtful whenever it came to you. However, you couldn’t help but feel like there was more to him when it came to his relationships. You’ve never really got to see how he interacted with his past girlfriends and there were situations where you’d wonder when he would actually spend time with them because most of his time was spent with you. But you had a feeling that he was a hopeless romantic. He was already such an emotional and warm hearted person. 

You were sure he put so much effort in to his relationships and you could only dream of being one of the lucky girls who got to experience it. It was a hard pill to swallow, but you accepted the fact that all you and Mark would ever be was best friends and if that was the only way to have him in your life, then so be it. You stayed up the rest of that night just admiring him as he slept and before you knew it, your alarm began sounding off. You were quick to shut your eyes as you felt Mark begin to shuffle in his sleep. He released a soft groan before pulling you closer against his body. He attempted to reach for your phone without waking you but to no avail. 

“Y/n. Hey, y/n. Turn off the alarm.” You looked up at him and shook your head.

“I have to get up Mark. You do too remember? You promised me a ride.” He huffed against your neck and released a frustrated sigh.

“Five more minutes. Let’s stay like this for five more minutes. Please?” God, he was so adorable. Was this man really going to be twenty-six years old in the fall? It was hard to believe seeing as how he was a pro at giving puppy dog eyes. 

“Fine. Only because I’m still a bit tired too.” To your surprise, he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead before giving you a cheeky grin. The two of you sat in silence for a few seconds until he spoke up. 

“Remember how we made an agreement that if we were both still single by the time we were thirty, that we’d marry each other?” How could you forget that night? He came over to your place with fried chicken and bottles of alcohol letting you know that his girlfriend just broke up with him for reasons he didn’t understand. The two of you ate and drank till there was nothing left and began drunkingly confessing things to each other. 

Even if you’ve been friends for a while, you were shocked to say the least when he mentioned that he lived in Brazil for a few years and that he was the captain of his middle school volleyball team. He also confessed to shaving your mutual friend Jackson’s eyebrow off in freshman year while he was asleep. It was in those inebriated moments that Mark had brought on the question to you in which you were quick to agree to. 

However, you both were drunk off your asses, you didn’t think he would remember the pact. You on the other hand, could not stop thinking about it. If he brought up marrying you, he had to have thought about it on at least one occasion. Even if he probably asked you because you were the only constant girl in his life, you were hoping there was more to it. You were brought of of the memory when you felt him poke your cheek. 

“Yeah, faintly. We were both extremely drunk though, what about it?” He sighed in to your neck. 

“It’s still on right? Like, you’d actually want to marry me?” You let out a soft chuckle but immediately went silent when you realized he wasn’t joking around. 

“Well yeah. You’re my best friend. But thirty is still a long time from now, well—for me at least. Are you forgetting I’m three years younger than you? Are you saying that I won’t be able to find someone and settle down before then? Does this have to deal with why you were so upset last night?” He playfully rolled his eyes at you before pulling away and sitting up. 

“Unfortunately yes. Liza broke up with me a few days ago but for some odd reason, I’m not surprised nor am I completely bothered by it. I’m more upset with the thought of turning twenty-six years old and not being in a stable, long term relationship. I don’t want to be nearly fifty by the time I start having kids. Is it me? Am I the problem y/n? Is there something I need to change about myself? I don’t see why I can’t stay in a relationship for more than a couple of weeks? I don’t think it’s the girls, I think it’s me.” 

Your heart hurt for the older boy. He had everything he could ever want. His dream job, a place of his own, an adorable puppy and a group of amazing friends who wanted nothing but the best of him. Yet what he wanted the most seemed to be the only thing he couldn’t get a hold of. You made your way towards him and brought some of his hair behind his ear. 

“No it’s not you. You’re an amazing person Mark. You’re such a wonderful, golden hearted and gentle soul. Maybe it’s because you always rush in to things. Don’t look for love, let it come to you. The right girl is out there, you just have to be patient. But yes, if you and I are both still single by that time, I will marry you.” When you saw his award winning smile, you took that as a sign to get ready for school. 

The day seemed to drag on as it normally did every time you had to attend class. However, Mark dropped you off with the promise of having a movie night with you. There was only one month left in your entire college career and you were excited beyond belief. You couldn’t wait to graduate and get your diploma so that you could finally enter the real world. As you sat down in your seat, you felt a tap on your shoulder. 

“Hey y/n. You look nice today—Well you look nice everyday it’s just, you look extra pretty today.” You smiled softly at the younger boy and politely thanked him before turning your attention towards your professor. Kim Taehyung was in his second year of college and very popular amongst everyone in your major. He had a very bright and bubbly personality, one that could lift your spirits by just the whisper of your name and he was very easy on the eyes. All girls would swoon over him, all except the one whose attention he wanted the most. You.

For months, he’s been trying to start a conversation with you and he’s even indirectly asked you out a couple times but you were never one to catch on to subtle hints. Throughout the lecture, Mark began texting you words of encouragement and let you know that he was currently at the store buying some snacks for the night’s festivities. You couldn’t help but smile at his messages and you found yourself giggling at all the emojis he used. Everything Mark did sent warmth to your cheeks and never failed to get a reaction out of you. Sometimes you hated how madly in love you were with him because your love was obviously unrequited. Once class was finally over with and you began packing away your things, Taehyung softly called your name. 

“Hey y/n, if you’re not busy tonight, would you maybe want to—you and I could—if you’d be interested we could go and watch the recent installment of Star Wars? If you’re not in to that we could go and play some mini golf or something?” He nervously scratched the back of his neck in anticipation of your answer and frowned when you shook your head in disagreement. 

“I’m sorry Taehyung, I’m busy tonight.” He gave you a sad smile and as you continued to put your things in your bag, he spoke up again. 

“What day would be best for you? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to come off so forward. I just—I like you y/n and I know I only have a few weeks left with you so I thought I’d finally build up the courage to ask you out on a date. If you don’t feel the same or if you have a boyfriend I completely understand and if you do please pretend none of this ever happened.” 

You softly chuckled and found yourself actually thinking about it. He was very cute and also quite charming. There was nothing really stopping you from accepting his invitation other than the boy who just couldn’t seem to get off your mind. Hearing Taehyung remind you that you didn’t have much time left in college made you realize where Mark was coming from about getting older and not being in a stable relationship. 

You were so focused on your studies and all the internships that you’ve signed up for that you never gave yourself time to date around and experience an actual relationship. It’s actually been a really long time since you’ve been on a date; you didn’t think you knew how they worked. You were about to accept Taehyung’s feelings until Mark re-entered your thoughts. If you and Taehyung were to start dating, what would happen between you and Mark? 

It dawned on you that maybe you’ve never been in a relationship for a long time because you were afraid that it would affect your friendship with Mark. It was also because you didn’t think you could gain feelings for anyone the way you did for Mark. He was where you hid your heart and for the longest time, you liked it that way. But you were only getting older, you couldn’t keep coming up with excuses not to date someone just because you didn’t want to ruin your friendship with Mark.

He’s had many girlfriends in the last few years and none of his relationships interfered with your friendship in any way. You didn’t want to use Taehyung in attempts to get over Mark, yet you found yourself agreeing. 

“What?! Really? If I’m being honest, I didn’t think you’d say yes. But I’m really happy you did. Why don’t we exchange numbers and we can start planning our date.” He handed you his phone and you began entering your number before handing it back to him. “Great. Thank you y/n, I promise I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll see you again Thursday!” 

Seeing his cute little leap as he left the classroom made you smile, yet you couldn’t help but feel like you made the wrong decision. Taehyung was a very sweet guy, but you knew you only agreed to going on a date with him in order to get over Mark. When Mark made his way to your place, he didn’t fail to notice how quiet you were and he had a feeling something happened at school. However, he was never one to pry nor did he want to make you even more upset by asking you hoards of questions. If you wanted Mark to know what was on your mind, you’d do so without being asked. When he pulled you closer in to his chest and leaned his head on your shoulder as the movie played, you knew you made the wrong decision. No one would ever mean as much to you as Mark did. 

The following week, you went on the date with Taehyung and to your surprise, it went exceptionally well. He was quite the gentleman. He opened every door, complimented you on your outfit, paid for both dinner and your entrance fee to the mini golf place and left a gentle kiss on your forehead once he dropped you home. As the days went by, you began spending more and more time with him. You grew fond of the younger boy and over the course of a month, you slowly developed feelings for him. Unfortunately, the more time you spent with Taehyung, meant less time spent with Mark. 

At first, he thought the distance was because you were so busy with last minute graduation prep; so he didn’t want to bother you. It wasn’t until he went out to the bar one night with your group of friends that he was finally aware of your blooming relationship with Taehyung. 

“Did you guys not invite y/n? I’m sure she’d enjoy a night to relax. She’s been so busy these days with final exams and everything.” Both Jinyoung and Jackson looked at their older friend in confusion. You’ve been done with final exams for weeks. Was Mark not aware of what you were actually up to these days? 

“We actually asked her to come out tonight but she’s on a date.” When the words fell from BamBam’s lips, Mark almost spit out his beer. A date? What date? Since when did you start going on dates? When did you start looking at men in a way other than disgust? Mark felt as if his head was going to spin at the idea of you dating, but he didn’t know why. 

“Date? What date? With who? She didn’t tell me she was seeing somebody.” The six other guys looked at each other knowingly before Jaebum spoke up.

“She’s been seeing this guy Taehyung for weeks now. That’s weird she didn’t tell you though. I would’ve thought that as your best friend, she’d tell you about her boyfriend. Maybe she just didn’t think much of it. They’re really cute together though. From what I hear, he’s been chasing after her for months. I wonder what got her to give in.” 

Jinyoung made an annoyed face at the older boy preventing him from going any further. It was as if everyone but Mark knew of your feelings for him. Although they were upset to hear that you were trying out dating because they were all rooting for you and Mark to become a couple, they were happy that you were finally doing something for yourself for once. Jinyoung knew the reason why you were so adamant on staying single and he too had a tiny bit of hope that Mark would open his eyes and admit his feelings for you. 

Even if Mark never said anything about having a crush on you, nor did he make it aware to anyone that he felt that way towards you, Jinyoung knew he did. His actions spoke for him. He also knew you were the reason for all of Mark’s failed relationships, he just didn’t want to be the one to tell Mark of his observation. He wanted Mark to discover his feelings for you on his own. 

“Oh. Cool. Good for her, I guess.” The boys were quick to notice Mark’s now frustrated expression and they all sneakily smiled to each other. Could his now sulking figure mean what they hoped it did? Was Mark Jealous that you were seeing someone else? After a couple more drinks, the seven of them called it a night and all went their separate ways. When Mark arrived to his apartment, he began feeling something in his chest that he’s never felt before. He had a hard time understanding why he was so bothered with the thought of you getting in to a relationship. 

You always supported him whenever it came to his relationships, so why was he having such a hard time being happy for you? When Jaebum brought up that Taehyung has been trying get you to go out with him for months, he had a feeling that this meant he really liked you. Which also meant that he must be taking good care of you. So shouldn’t he be happy for you? He was also pretty upset that you didn’t tell him about it. The two of you told everything to each other. How could you not tell him that there was someone else involved in your life? 

Why was he so upset at hearing that Taehyung was your boyfriend? He stayed up the entire night, trying to find out why the thought of you being in a relationship boggled his mind so much. He wanted to text you; to call you and ask you why you failed to inform him about something so big, but he didn’t want to start any drama and end up straining your friendship. He hasn’t talked to you since that night at the bar and you were too busy with graduation and Taehyung to notice that Mark was avoiding you. Jinyoung wanted to tell you about the odd way Mark was reacting to the news of your relationship, but he ultimately decided against it. He didn’t want to ruin the way things were panning out with you and Taehyung. 

Finally, the day of your graduation came and you were so excited to close that chapter in your life and get ready for what the real world had to offer you. You were sitting in the cafeteria with all the other graduates, waiting to enter the auditorium when you began to read the congratulatory messages from all your friends and family. However, it was when you read Mark’s that you noticed it’s been a while since the two of you last talked. The reason why you didn’t tell Mark about Taehyung was because you didn’t think he would care. What did it matter that you were seeing someone else? He made it known that you were just his best friend. Nothing more nothing less. 

You weren’t going to lie, you missed him. This is what you were afraid of. Since you were so busy with school and spending time with Taehyung, there was hardly any time for you to spend with Mark. Even the contact between you both has gone down immensely and the thought made your heart hurt. Although you’ve been seeing Taehyung for a little over a month, the feelings you had for Mark never went away. In fact, they only got stronger as the days went by.

Every time Taehyung held your hand, kissed you and whispered sweet nothings in your ear, you couldn’t help but wish it was Mark doing those things to you. You felt bad for leading Taehyung on, but you were trying your best to allow yourself to experience love, even if it wasn’t with Mark. You felt a tear slip at the thought of losing him completely. A life without Mark was one you refused to live. He was all your heart knew and wanted to know. But if things were to progress with you and Taehyung, you knew it meant your friendship with Mark would slowly dissipate over time. You tried your best to focus on your graduation, but you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. 

Once the chancellor announced your graduating class, everyone made their way out to the field to meet with their friends and family. Your heart warmed when you saw Jinyoung and Yugyeom holding a sign with your graduation photo on it. Standing behind them were Jackson, Jaebum, Youngjae and BamBam. As soon as it came, your smile was quick to disappear once you realized Mark was missing. It’s as if everyone could read your mind because as the question was about to fall from your lips, BamBam squeezed your arm gently. 

“Don’t worry, he’s here. He wouldn’t miss it for the world.” You knew BamBam was telling the truth and you tried your best to stay positive, but it was hard to do so. Mark was the number one person you wanted there. He’s seen you through so much tears, multiple all nighters and he’s gotten drunk with you every time you failed an important exam throughout your college career. His encouraging words is what got you to do your best, or at least try to. You were quickly broken out of your thoughts when you felt someone cover up your eyes. You didn’t need to see him or hear him speak to know it was Mark. His presence was warm and comforting and the smell of fresh linen gave him away.

“Hey stranger. Congratulations. You did it! I’m so proud of you, my favorite little college graduate.” He pulled you in to his chest and placed a soft kiss against your forehead. You failed to notice all the smiles and suggestive winks being sent your way because both you and Mark were in your own little worlds. After a few moments, he handed the flowers over to you earning himself his favorite breathtaking, toothy grin. 

“Thank you Mark. These are beautiful. I’ve missed you.” He giggled softly before pinching your cheek. 

“I’ve missed you more. Actually, there’s something I wanted to ask you—“ before he could finish his sentence, you were being picked up and spun around and with the chaste kiss that was placed against your lips, it didn’t take you long to realize who it was. 

“Baby! You did it! I’m so proud of you! Your hard work definitely paid off.” You gave Taehyung a small smile before mentally cursing him. Bless his soul, but he had the worst timing. You knew he meant no harm, but now there was some unwanted tension surrounding you. Mark saw the bouquet of roses Taehyung brought for you and rolled his eyes. You hated roses, you thought they were extremely tacky and overrated. What kind of boyfriend wasn’t aware of the type of flower his girlfriend liked? When Mark saw the smile that rose on your face as he handed you the sunflowers, he felt as if his heart was about to burst out of his chest. 

Seeing Taehyung kiss you sent an extremely upsetting feeling to Mark’s stomach and he felt as if he wanted to punch the younger boy in the face. There it was again. That unsettling feeling. He still had yet to know what that feeling meant, but as he watched Taehyung pull you closer to his chest while leaving soft kisses all along your face, it was then that Mark knew, it should be him it Taehyung’s position. It should be him kissing you. Calling you baby. Holding you, loving you, being the lucky guy that you called yours. It was in that moment of seeing you and your boyfriend interact that Mark finally accepted his feelings for what they were. 

Mark was in love with you. 

He had a huge feeling the other night when he stayed up thinking about you but ultimately pushed the idea of being in love with you to the back of his mind.

There was no way he could be in love with you. You were his best friend. He’s been by your side for years and he’s never found himself looking at you as anything more than a friend. But then it hit him. The reason why none of his relationships would last and the reason why he would break up with every single girlfriend of his. They weren’t you. 

No one could ever captivate his heart in ways that you did. No one could make him laugh over the lamest jokes or make him smile right after he’s cried for hours like you did. No one would make even half of the sacrifices you’ve made for him. No one was as important or as special to the older boy as you were.

You were his entire world and he hated that it took so many years and for him to see you with someone else to get him to recognize his feelings for you. He’s been through so many relationships and it didn’t bother you. But because this was your first relationship, he wasn’t quite sure what you were like when you were dating someone. He didn’t know just how much you liked Taehyung and it bothered him. Mark thought he knew everything about you; but seeing as how you left out this part of your life made him feel like you no longer needed him anymore.

He didn’t want to be rude and leave right after he got to see you, but there was no way he could continue watching you and Taehyung kiss and pretend as if nothing was wrong. As if you weren’t ripping his heart out with each and every touch of affection. When he saw that you were busy with your family, he used this time to make a break for it. If you were to see the angry yet devastated look on his face, he had a feeling you’d find out that seeing you and your boyfriend obviously affected him and he didn’t want to give you the benefit of the doubt.

However, as Mark began walking away, someone roughly gripped on his bicep causing him to almost bump in to another college graduate. 

“Where do you think you’re going? You just got here. Y/n’s going to be upset if she find out you left without saying goodbye.” Mark rolled his eyes at the younger boy before scoffing as his eyes found you and Taehyung. 

“She’s too occupied with her little boyfriend over there to even acknowledge my presence. But it doesn’t matter. She looks happy; she won’t even notice that I’m gone. If she asks, just let her know I had dinner plans or something.” With that, Mark was gone and Jinyoung knew with the look in his eyes that he was obviously bothered with seeing you and your boyfriend. He couldn’t help the smug grin that rose on his face when he came to the realization that Mark was jealous. 

As your family continued to congratulate you, Jinyoung made it known to his five other friends that Mark left because he could no longer stand to watch you and your boyfriend’s affectionate interactions. The boys began to raise their brows in contentment when they all came to the agreement that Mark accepted the feelings he had for you. After a few moments, you made your way towards your group of friends and you were quick to frown when you came to the realization that Mark was no longer there. 

“I’m sorry y/n, he said he had somewhere to be. But I know he’s proud of you. Come on, let’s go celebrate!” 

As soon as Mark walked in to his apartment, he let out an involuntary scream. The image of Taehyung’s hands on your waist as he connected your lips together wouldn’t leave his mind. It’s as if it was taunting him; letting him know it was too late. He came to the conclusion that he was in love with you a moment too late. You were spoken for by someone who wasn’t him. Taehyung went after you without knowing how you felt and Mark failed to do the same. Now he has to suffer thinking about what could of been between the two of you if he were to come to his senses sooner. 

He made his way towards his fridge and pulled out every bottle of alcohol he could find. He’d deal with the consequences of the hangover he was sure to get later. Mark needed to get you off of his mind before he’d go completely insane. Six shots of tequila and three beers later and Mark was soon regretting his decision of getting plastered. Images of your beautiful smile played throughout his mind, causing him to cry over how much he missed you. The older boy was too drunk to realize he began drunk texting and calling all of his friends. He even began to text you. You knew something was wrong with him right off the bat as most of the words were misspelled and made no sense. His last text however, made your heart rate increase. It was those five words you’ve been dying to hear from the first night you realized your feelings for him. 

“I’m in love with you.” You found yourself reading the text over and over. He was drunk, this you know was true. He probably had no idea what he was saying, but that didn’t stop the blush that was forming on your cheeks. But what did it mean? He could have meant it in a friendly way, or maybe one of the guys took his phone. You decided you wouldn’t let your thoughts plague you the entire night and found yourself falling asleep just a few minutes later. The next day, you came up with the idea to confront Mark about his messages the night before. Unfortunately, he didn’t respond to your phone calls nor your text messages. You understood it was because he was probably hungover, but as the days went by, you knew he was avoiding you. It hurt. Knowing that he was purposely ignoring you made you extremely unhappy to the point that not even Taehyung could do anything to make you feel better. 

You voiced your problems to both Jinyoung and Jaebum, you were sure either one of them had an idea of why Mark was acting the way he was towards you. To your dismay, both boys could not explain why Mark was being so cold. Your only option was to go over to his place and see for yourself. But you didn’t want to make matters worse and end up making a fool out of yourself by asking him about his feelings only to get a response you weren’t ready for. 

Jinyoung was tired of Mark running away from his problems. It’s not that he didn’t want to tell you everything that was going on, he just didn’t want to interfere with something he didn’t have much to do with. He did however, make it his responsibility to sit the older boy down and talk some sense in to him.

Jinyoung hated hearing you cry over something you had no control over and when he got the news that you had broken up with Taehyung, he was going to use that to his advantage. Mark groaned when he heard pounding against his door and took a look at the clock to see what time it was. Whoever felt like ten o’clock in the evening was the right time to interrupt Mark and his time of self pity obviously had a death wish. 

When he opened the door and saw Jinyoung with a scowl on his face as his arms were crossed in frustration, he slowly began to relax. That was until Jinyoung roughly brushed past him and stormed in to his apartment. “Shit, it wreaks of alcohol in here.” Mark ignored his friend and made his way to the couch, returning to his messy fort of blankets and pillows. 

“Whatever reason you’re here for, hurry up and spit out. I’m not in the mood.”

Jinyoung scoffed. “So this is it then? This is what you’re going to do? Sulk and mope around while feeling bad for yourself. You’re pathetic Mark! It’s your fault things ended up like this!” The older boy soon became irritated as Jinyoung continued to talk so negatively about him. He made it clear that he didn’t have time to listen to Jinyoung talk nonsense, and he didn’t need to be reminded of what an asshole he was being towards you. But before Mark could rebuttal against him, Jinyoung continued. 

“I can’t believe it took seeing y/n with another guy for you to finally come to terms with the fact that you’re in love with her. We all knew. It seemed everyone knew except you and her. That’s why every single one of your relationships failed. Because none of them were with y/n. It’s always been y/n, whether you knew it or not. She feels the same way you know. Y/n has been in love with you for as long as I’ve known her for and don’t ask why she’s never done anything about it. You were in and out of relationships, she didn’t think there was a possibility that you would look at her as more than just a friend. I’m sure you don’t know since you’ve been purposely staying away from her for no reason but your selfishness, but she’s been nothing without you. She’s crying over something she didn’t even do. So you better wake up and do something about the love you have for her, or lose her forever.” 

Every word that Jinyoung said sent a pang of hurt to his chest. Jinyoung was right. He was being selfish. Mark thought that by staying away from you that his feelings would slowly fade away; but they only grew stronger the longer you two were apart. But there was nothing he could do. You were in a relationship and even Jinyoung made it known that you reciprocated his feelings, Mark wasn’t the type to break up a relationship no matter how much he wanted to. 

“Okay, you got me. I’m in love with her. So what? It’s too late now. She has a boyfriend Jinyoung and I can’t continue being her friend and having to watch her be all lovey dovey with whatever his name is—“ Jinyoung released a frustrated sigh. 

“But she did that with you all of these years. She was there for you through every single relationship. She had to put up with all your girlfriends, saw you kiss them, hold them and act as if it didn’t phase her when really it was killing her on the inside. So don’t you dare give me that bullshit. You obviously don’t care about y/n enough if you’re willing to give up on her that easily. I actually came here to tell you that she broke up with Taehyung and even if she didn’t say why, we all know the reason. So do what you want with that information. You honestly don’t deserve her but I’d be lying if I said I don’t want the two of you together. Don’t fuck it up this time Tuan.” 

Jinyoung gave Mark a quick pat on the back before making his way out the door. Mark sat there dumbfounded for a few moments trying to recollect his thoughts about what just happened. Did Jinyoung really go over to his house for less than five minutes just to try and guilt trip Mark in to reconnecting with you? He could help but block out everything Jinyoung said once he heard that you broke up with Taehyung. The two of you seemed to be on good terms at your graduation, what happened in the span of a week that caused you to call it quits? 

As much as Mark hated admitting Jinyoung was right, it was true. You never let any of his relationships get in the way of your friendship. So why couldn’t he return the favor and just suck it up? He was sure that there was a huge chance you were mad at him and you had every right to be. But he didn’t care. The only thing on his mind was to go over to your apartment and make things right. Absentmindedly he ran in to his room to throw on a hoodie before running out the door to make his way to you. 

He knew he should’ve called first, who knows what you were doing or who you were with at the time, but he was afraid that you’d tell him to stay away. Although he didn’t live too far from you and there was no traffic on the freeway, the drive seemed to go on for hours. When he finally pulled up to your apartment complex, a part of him felt like he was making a mistake. He didn’t deserve to be there, he didn’t deserve to confess his love to you nor did he deserve your love after everything he’s put you through in the last few days. However, he wasn’t going to let this chance go to waste. You were newly single and he was praying he was the reason behind it. 

After he made his way to your front door, he gently knocked and waited for a few moments. He found himself waiting outside for five minutes. Were you not home? Were you already asleep? He should’ve thought about that before driving over. There was a possibility  you were already asleep and he mentally scolded himself for not thoroughly thinking out his plans. Finally, you opened the door and the sight of your swollen, red eyes and puffy cheeks made Mark feel terrible. Not only was he ignoring you, but you just broke up with your boyfriend. You had to be going through a rough time and Mark never hated himself more than he did in that moment for not being there for you. 

You scowled at the sight of him, but your heart was begging you to pull him in to a hug. Even if it’s only been a week since you’ve last seen him, it felt like it’s been years. You wanted to scream and yell at him for acting so cold towards you. You wanted to punch him and inflict any sort of pain so he could feel exactly how you felt but before you could do anything, his lips were on yours.

As much as you wanted to be mad at him, and to find out why he’s been acting the way he has been for over a week, you found yourself responding passionately in to the kiss. This is what you’ve wanted for years. You could only dream about what his lips felt like and now that you knew, it was an indescribable feeling. You brought your hands up to his face and deepened the kiss as if your life depended on it. All your worries and thoughts were sent to the back of your mind as you put your focus on the handsome boy in front of you. A minute later and to his dismay, you pulled away to catch your breath but not before placing your forehead against his. 

“Hi.” You giggled before stealing a quick kiss and brought him over to your couch. 

“You have some explaining to do.” He nodded in agreement as he pulled you on to his lap. 

“I know. And I will. But before I do or say anything else, I just want you to know that I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to come to the realization and I’m sorry for everything. For staying away for so long, for ignoring you, for getting in to all these relationships that now mean nothing to me and not noticing your feelings for me sooner. I’ve been a shit friend and I’m sorry. You know how much I hate admitting this, but Jinyoung was right. The  reason why none of my relationships lasted was because none of them were you. Nobody can hold a candle to you y/n. You are the most breathtakingly beautiful human being to exist. You took up all the space in both my heart and mind and I was too busy searching for love to realize it was right in front of me this entire time.”

You could feel your heart swell up at his words and you had a hard time believing this was all going on. Your best friend, the man you’ve been in love with for years just kissed you and admitted his feelings for you. It all felt like a dream. 

“I was jealous. God was I jealous. When the guys told me you were in a relationship, I felt something deep in my chest that I’ve never felt before. It was such a gut wrenching feeling. It wasn’t until I saw the two of you kissing that I knew I was in love with you. I hated seeing you with another man. It fucking sucked. I couldn’t help the thoughts that began to cloud my mind. That should be me looking at you with so much love and adoration. That should be me kissing your pretty lips and running my fingers through your soft hair. I wanted it to be me in his shoes. I wanted to be the one to love you and receive your love. At first, I tried to lie to myself and say I was only upset at the thought of you dating because no man is good enough for you. Hell, I’m not even good enough for you. But I knew why I was so frustrated. I fell in love with my best friend. Honestly, it was inevitable, just look at you. You’re perfect.” 

You grazed his cheek with your thumb and smiled when he relaxed in to your palm. “By the way, a little birdie told me you broke up with your boyfriend. Care to explain why?” 

You shrugged as you leaned your head on his shoulder. “I couldn’t keep lying to myself and to him. Don’t get me wrong, Taehyung is a wonderful guy. He’s very sweet, funny and—“ he reconnected your lips together and playfully pinched your cheek. 

“Yeah yeah yeah, he’s great I get it. Now get to the part where you break up with him.” 

You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sound of Mark’s jealousy. Even if he admitted the fact that he was jealous, you found it cute that he kissed you in order to silence your compliments that were aimed towards your ex-boyfriend.

“You’re extremely cute when you’re jealous. You know that? Anyway, I couldn’t continue dating him and pretending that I didn’t still have feelings for you. Sure, I did begin to like him, but I don’t think I could ever love someone the way I do with you. You own this naive heart of mine Mark Tuan, please don’t do anything to hurt it anymore. I was upset when you shut me out of your life and cut off contact with me especially since I had no idea what I did wrong. And when you left my graduation that night without saying goodbye, I felt like shit.” 

He pulled you closer to his chest and tightened his grip around your waist. “I know, I’m sorry. I really wanted to be there for you and support you, but I couldn’t stand the sight of you kissing whatever his name was”-“

“His name is Taehyung—“

“Whatever, he’s in the past. I’m your present and your future. By the way, we don’t have to wait till we’re thirty to get married baby. We can elope tonight if you’d like. I just can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. See, I was going to end up with you sooner or later. I’m just happy it’s sooner. I love you y/n. I love you so much. God, I’m never going to get tired of saying that.” 

You felt a tear fall from the brim of your eyes and he let out a chuckle as he wiped it away. “You’re an asshole Mark Tuan.”

“I know, but I’m your asshole.” 

You made a disgusted face and thumped his forehead. “Ew, I hated that. You’re so lame.” 

“And yet you still love me. You’re going to spend the rest of your life with my lame ass so be prepared. There’s a lot more where that came from.” 

You smiled up at him and placed a chaste kiss on the corner of his lips before standing up. “That I do. Let’s go to my room, we have lost time we need to make up for.”

We were ships in the night, night, night I'm wondering Are you my best friend Feel's like a river's rushing through my mind I wanna ask you If this is all just in my head My heart is pounding tonight I wonderIf you Are too good to be true And would it be alright if I Pulled you closer How could I know One day I'd wake up feeling more But I had already reached the shore Guess we were ships in the night Night, night

#got7 imagines #got7 mark #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #mark tuan fluff #got7 fluff #got7 drabbles #got7 preferences #got7 #kpop imagines #kpop drabbles #my kpop therapy boy #Guys #why is mark not my best friend turned in to lover #im so deserving #@ god pls #this comeback is going to be the death of me #im still so upset that he cut his hair

[literalprincess]

Their Love Was Made of Promises

Pairing: Fremione

Summary: Fred and Hermione’s relationship began in his final year and ended in hers.

Excerpt: “You better watch it, Fred.” She warned. “I have the power to give you detentions this year if you act up and I won’t go easy.”

“Promise?” Fred asked challengingly.

Word count: 4750

AO3

“To Ron and Hermione being announced as prefects,” Molly held up her glass in a toast. Everyone sat around the large dining table at 12 Grimmauld Place cheered. It was the night before they were set to return to Hogwarts and the Order had gathered to celebrate.

“Don’t worry, Harry. Your dad and I weren’t picked for prefects either. Something about a ‘spotty record’ or something like that.” Sirius said with a wink to his godson. Harry smiled back at him, cheered by his revelation.

“May we also congratulate Harry, who was cleared of all charges and allowed to attend Hogwarts this year!” Molly continued and another whoop came from the table. “And well done to Fred and George for making it to their final year.”

The twins stood during their cheer, bowing dramatically.

“Thank you, mother,” George said.

“We certainly were surprised too,” Fred added.

“We can’t say we’ll be the smartest,” George admitted.

“But we will certainly make it interesting.” Fred finished as the two once again bowed and returned to their seats while everyone else laughed.

Fred turned to his right where Hermione was sat. “Aren’t you excited, Granger?”

“You better watch it, Fred.” She warned. “I have the power to give you detentions this year if you act up and I won’t go easy.”

“Promise?” Fred asked challengingly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

She definitely didn’t go easy on him. Fred had amassed three detentions in the first few weeks of classes for advertising to test his inventions on students. He had argued it was unfair, why should he alone be made to sit in detention when George was equally guilty. Hermione rationalised that it was because she hadn’t seen George hanging posters and trying to talk first years into risking their health. It had gone back and forth until finally, Fred conceded. If his punishment was to be stuck in a classroom for an hour at a time with Hermione, then he would happily serve his time.

“You know,” Fred said after they had been sitting in the charms room for forty-five of the sixty-minute detention. “This is sort of like a date.”

“Oh really?” Hermione asked.

“Yeah well, it’s just me and you alone.” He gestured between them. “Sat closely in an empty room.” He wiggled his eyebrows, “Anything could happen.”

“You’re the one that sat next to me,” she said. “I’m pretty sure you’re not even supposed to be this side of the desk.” She gestured to the teacher’s desk and where he had pulled up a chair beside her.

“It’s cold,” He justified. “It’s not my fault it’s September and you picked a room without a fireplace.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Is that all that constitutes a date to you, then? Being sat alone in a room.”

“To start with.” He said. “Though I would have much preferred our first date to be somewhere a little nicer than Flitwick’s room” He sighed as he looked around at the dusty room. “Still, I’m sure we can still make this work.”

Hermione snorted at his words. “Say this was a date, where exactly would it have been?” She asked a bit too curiously.

“You’ll have to find out.”

Her eyebrows furrowed at his response “Wha-”

“Times up,” Fred announced, pointing to the clock. “But how about Saturday? I can show you what a real date should look like.” He playfully winked as he helped her gather her belongings.

“Okay,” She replied, her cheeks dusted pink. “But promise to stop testing your products on unsuspecting first years, I really do worry about them,” Hermione asked seriously as they left the classroom. “And tuck your shirt in, Weasley.”

“For you, Hermione? Anything.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since Fred and George’s shop had opened earlier that month it had been wildly successful. Hermione had seemed to love the design when she had first seen it. The mismatched furniture, the insane colour scheme and the constantly bustling shop, she claimed, fit them perfectly. He had been pleased to hear it, not realising until then how much he had wanted her approval.

He stayed at the Burrow during her easter break, not wanting to waste any time with her. They spent their days after he finished in the shop going for adventures in the surrounding fields. He showed her where he and George had built a fort years ago.

“We did it the muggle way,” he bragged as he showed off the small den. It had been assembled by gathering large sticks and balancing them together like a teepee. “Though, it’s a bit small for us now.” He tapped the hut with the toe of his shoe. He wasn’t sure if even his whole torso would fit in there anymore.

“It’s brilliant,” Hermione stated, smiling at the charming structure.

“I’ve been thinking,” Fred said that night in the front room. It had been a couple of hours since everyone else had gone to bed. Hermione’s leg was thrown over one of his, her head tucked under his chin. The heat of the fire and the blankets piled on them kept them in a snuggly state on the sofa.

“Hm?” She asked wordlessly, blissfully dozing on his chest.

“I love you,” He said. He wanted to say it before she had to return for the next term of school.

She raised herself on her elbows, looking down at him with fervent eyes. “I love you too.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

That summer, Fred had been ecstatic when Hemione had asked to help experiment with new ideas for products. She had taken to staying with him in the flat upstairs on the nights they were up late trialling new potions or talking.

“Hermione!” Fred called from the experimentation room one morning. The potion he was working on had just blown up in his face, casting off large gooey chunks all over the room and on him. There was no way he could clean all this himself.

“Yeah?” Her voice came distantly from the living room upstairs.

“Remember how you promised to love me no matter what?” He called back, already bracing himself for a scolding.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I got you something,” Fred said when they were waiting at the platform for the Hogwarts Express.

“Really?” Hermione asked, surprised.

“Yeah, for your birthday and to congratulate you on achieving ten O.W.L.s,” she had amazed him by her brilliance, “but also to keep you from missing me too much this year.” He said teasingly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box.

“It’s not going to explode is it?” She asked warily, eyeing the box in her hand.

“No spoilers,” Fred replied. “Just, wait till your birthday to open it, okay?”

His wrist warmed when he was in bed a few weeks later. She had waited.

He looked down at the thin bracelet on his wrist, the twin to Hermione’s. He had gotten the idea from her last year with the DA coins. If they were to tap the band twice with two fingers, the other’s band would warm. He had thought that that way, they could let the other know they were thinking about them.

He soon after received an owl from her.

Thank you for my bracelet, I love it. I swear I’m never going to take it off.

Love you, H.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What an arse,” Fred said. He had been owling Hermione during her first term back and was less than impressed by Cormac Mclaggen’s pursuit of Hermione. She had been made very uncomfortable, especially when he had relentlessly followed her around at Professor Slughorn’s Christmas party. In her latest letter, she had recalled his latest attempt to impress her by bragging about his Quidditch skills. His attempts to put down Harry, Ginny and Ron in order to upraise his own prestige had irritated Hermione to the point of an outburst. Fred wished he could have been there. Instead, he sent Mclaggen a gift.

Hermione and Fred spent boxing day in his new muggle-style fort, a surprise from Hermione. After the loud celebratory Christmas, they both enjoyed the quiet day spent in the woods together.

“I think we could stay here,” Fred said as he looked around at the sizable fortress. He could already imagine where he’d put furniture. “No one would find us this far out.”

It was a tempting offer, but Hermione shook her head. “No, I’d need running water. Besides, how would we find food? I doubt you watched Bear Grylls growing up.”

“Bear who?”

“Exactly. We’d be hopeless.”

“Well, it’s an option.” He was almost gutted. “We could avoid everyone if we wanted.”

“Hmm, speaking of avoiding people,” Hermione had been reminded of her last dinner before returning home for Christmas “did you anonymously owl Mclaggen a boxing telescope?” Hermione asked.

“..would you still love me if I did?” Fred asked.

She smiled.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I bet you a fiver you cry at the vows,” Fred said as they exited the fireplace. The majority of their day had been spent making last-minute changes and plans for Bill and Fleur’s upcoming wedding.

“You may never know if I do,” Hermione said. “It’s not too late to buy a fascinator, I’ll wear one and you won’t be able to tell from the front.”

“You little witch.” Fred flopped down on the sofa, patting the spot next to him for her to join him. “I’ll know, though. You can try and hide it but I would see it on your face.”

“Maybe.” He would, he had spent enough hours staring at her.

“We can’t hide anything from each other. You’re just gonna have to get used to it, you’re stuck with me.”

She hadn’t smiled as he had expected. In fact, her gaze became troubled and she focused on a spot on the wall.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

She looked up at him again, her face apprehensive.

“Why are you upset?” He asked, unsure why her mood had shifted so suddenly. “It’s soon, isn’t it? When you leave.”

She nodded her head, unable to talk past her choked throat.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” He said, his mind already in turmoil. He had to be strong for her.

“It won’t.” She was right, of course, she always was. “Fred, I can’t do this. I’m not ready.” The pain in her eyes broke his heart.

“You are ready, I know you are. I know you.” He pulled her into his side. “You’ll do this and then you can come home and we will finally adopt a cat because George will bugger off and move out.”

She huffed a laugh.

“Life will go on after all of this ends. I promise it will.”

“Fred,” Her eyes were anguished. “We need to-” She cut herself off, struggling to find the right words. “There is a very real possibility that something will go wrong and I won’t come back. I need to tell you that-”

This time it was he who interrupted her. “Nothing will go wrong. You will survive this. I will make sure of it.”

“No one has the power to guarantee that.”

“I do. I would trade my life for yours if it came down to it, don’t think I won’t.”

“Then maybe you don’t know me. You can’t say you’ll do that, I would not let that happen.”

“Like hell, I can’t. Watch me.” She had been through so much pain, she had made herself an orphan just to keep her parents safe and was facing an unknown amount of time on the run from a terrorist group set out to kill her and her best friends. He would protect her or he would die trying.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The morning of the wedding Hermione had smiled at breakfast, laughing with his sister as they fluttered around getting ready. Fred had almost made himself late just watching her. She wore red, the same shade as the jumper he had given her two years ago when they had started dating. The golden ‘F’ knitted in the front had looked too pretty on her for him to ever take back.

She cried during the ceremony, just as he had bet, but he felt no victory from her tears. He caught her gaze, trying to reassure her from his position in line with his brothers. She had given him a watery smile before looking down to her small beaded bag.

When they danced, he held her tight, her head tucked under his chin. Soon she would be leaving, it was an inevitability. They hadn’t discussed it again, when he had tried to bring it up she had hushed him and told him that she didn’t want to talk about it. She wanted to remain in the present, tucked into his arms.

They slowly spun on the dancefloor, completely absorbed in each other. He felt her tears wet his shirt. The moisture made his chest contract. He squeezed her closer, the movement compelling a small sob from her. He pulled back enough to look at her. Her face was red, she looked agonised.

“What is it, love?” He asked her. He would tear his heart from his chest if it would stop her misery.

“I-.” She said, struggling past a lump in her throat.

He brought her out of the tent, leading her inside the quiet cottage. The sofa on which she sat was where he had first told her he loved her by the light of the fire over a year ago.

“I don’t love you anymore.” She said as he knelt in front of her. Her tears had stopped, her face solidified into impassiveness.

“What? Since when?” He asked, confused.

“Now.” She said as she looked into the low fire. “Just now.”

He made her look at him in the eye. “You’re just scared. It doesn’t matter that you’re leaving, I love you. None of it matters.”

“It’s too late,” She said, still stone-faced. “I don’t love you anymore.”

“Stop doing this. Don’t pull away from me when we need each other the most.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t need you.”

“Can you honestly say you feel nothing for me? You can’t, I know you can’t. Just, please. Don’t do this,” he pleaded with her. “You aren’t helping either of us by doing this.”

She didn’t reply to him, she just continued to stare at him. This was not the person who had been in love with him since she was twelve years old, who had planned the rest of her life with him. That person had stepped away, allowing this stranger control.

She didn’t speak again, regardless of how much he begged her to please talk to him. The only thing she did respond to was a sudden commotion from outside. There was screaming and chaos, the sky alight with fire. She rose for the door but he grabbed her arm before she could leave.

“You promised,” He said, his voice breaking.

He pleaded with his eyes for her to stay but she just turned away. He could have collapsed into a heap from the force of that final blow but his family was out there. The ministry had fallen, the Death Eaters had arrived.  Hermione was already gone.

When the Death Eaters had finally gone and the remaining Weasley family had finished cleaning the disorder, Fred got more drunk than he had been since he was sixteen.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been three months since she had gone. George had since moved back into the Burrow, claiming a want to be there for their Mum. Fred suspected it was to avoid him, not that he could blame George. He couldn’t bring himself to wash the sheets or move anything Hermione had left in the flat. There was one of his t-shirts she liked to sleep in still neatly folded under her pillow where she had put it the morning of the wedding. Her books piled on most empty surfaces of his living room, she had meant to clean them but hadn’t gotten around to doing so. She existed only as a ghost to him now. He embraced it, the haunting memory of her love the only way he could feel she was with him. He could hear her in the silence of the flat, see her in the corner of his eye. If she were to come back, Fred would be right where she had left him.

He considered that maybe this wasn’t healthy, that she was still alive and fighting to end the war, but she had refused any and all communication. She had taken off her bracelet without him even realising. He had found it in her bedside drawer. He sent a Patronus one night, the bird impatiently flying out of his open window. He had wondered that if he could fly fast enough, would if he able to follow the bird to her. Even if he could have, he was disappointed to find later the wispy figure returned having been unable to find her. She had made herself untraceable, even to him.

It was on one of the days George had dragged him to the Burrow that they received any type of update. Ron trudged through the kitchen door, shabby and crabby but no worse for wear. For a heartbeat, Fred allowed himself to hope that it was over. That Hermione and Harry would follow in behind him, smiles on their faces. It wasn’t over.

He learnt from Ron that they had been listening to Lee Jordans’s Potterwatch. This made his heart lift by some degree. He had put, into the broadcasts, messages to Hermione to remind her that he was still here, waiting for her, fighting for her. He insisted, when the next broadcast came, to speak.

Christmas was the most melancholy in Weasley history. Not only were Harry and Hermione still out facing Merlin knows what, Percy was still in London, Arthur was under strict surveillance at the Ministry and Ginny’s account of Hogwarts sounded near dystopian. Ron had also grown more and more miserable. He spent most of his day in silence, stewing. Fred pulled him aside that night when everyone had retreated to bed early, eager to have the day be over.

“You’re going back, aren’t you?” Fred asked.

“I don’t know how, but I’m going to try,” Ron admitted.

Fred nodded at him. “I need you to do something for me.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was woken from his bed in the middle of the night. Disorientated in the unfamiliar bedroom at their Aunt Muriels, he almost missed George’s words. “She’s at the cottage.”

He shot up, alert. “What do you mean? Bill’s cottage? Right now?” He raced around the room already getting dressed.

“Fred, sit down,” George said morosely from where he sat on the bed. “That’s not all.”

Fred sat down begrudgingly, already apprehensive of the expression on his brother’s face. “What else is there?”

“They got caught by snatchers.” George began slowly.

Fred shot up again, unable to remain still. He wanted to rush there. Why was his brother still sitting?

“Fred,” George said. His voice caught and Fred saw for the first time that there were tears running down his face. “She was taken to Malfoy Manor. They-” He again choked on his words. “They interrogated her; used the cruciatus curse and carved into her arm.”

Fred sank to the floor. This had to be wrong. Hermione was fine, she had to be fine. He shot up, once again rushing to get ready. “Why aren’t we leaving? We need to see her.”

“I’m sorry, Freddie,” George said, still sitting on the bed. “I’ve only just found out. Harry had Bill and Fleur sworn to secrecy for their own safety.”

Fred stopped. “What are you saying, George?” He looked at him in dread.

“They’re leaving,” George explained.

“What do you mean ‘leaving’? She needs to heal!” Fred said frantically.

“They’ve been there for weeks already,” George said. “They need to keep going now more than ever, you know they do.”

Fred sat on the bed beside his brother, wiping his eyes and rubbing his forehead. “When do they go?” He asked.

“I don’t know exactly,” George admitted. “But if you leave now, you might catch them.”

Fred looked to him, a hopeful glint in George’s eye. He stood without speaking and apparated out of their small room.

He apparated on the beach. The cascading waves tremulously pounded into the sand, the shriek of gulls echoing in his ears. From the raised cliffs a small distance away, he saw four figures. One was short, he thought perhaps a goblin, two were Ron and Harry, he was sure of it after recognising them during quidditch so often from a distance. The last, however, was a mystery. It was a woman, he was sure of that, but her stature was unfamiliar to him. They disappeared from the cliff before he had the chance to call out.

He looked to the small house, Hermione must still be within. He ran, kicking up sand and almost tripping in the weeds. He charged through the door, scaring Bill and Fleur inside.

“Fred?” They looked to him in confusion.

“Where’s Hermione?” he blurted, already hectically searching the kitchen. When he didn’t find her he charged through the door, searching the whole house before returning to the kitchen. He looked at them expectantly.

“She just left,” Bill said, baffled by his brother's behaviour.

“But I,” Fred began, deflating. “No one told me.”

Bill got up, putting a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Fred. She told us she didn’t want you to know.”

He had to get out of this house, the house where she had hidden from him in. He stormed out of the door, apparating away as soon as he was outside of the surrounding boundary.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred hadn’t remembered putting it in his jacket, the fake Galleon he had received from Hermione as part of Dumbledore’s army two years ago, but the next day it reactivated. The heat of the coin cut through the fabric, warming his chest where it rested against his skin. Pulling it out, Fred examined it. The date had changed around the edge. Today. Now. He had to tell George.

His twin already knew, in his hand a small radio calling repeatedly:

Lightning has struck! Lightning has struck!

“Ready Fred?” George asked.

“Ready George!” Fred replied.

He wasn’t sure if it was purposeful, clothes matching with his brother’s, or a subconscious link to connect them through what was to come. Either way, when they stepped into the tunnel in the Hog’s Head, they did it as a team.

They entered the cramped base, like the other Order members, to whoops and cheers. Dozens of students crowded around the mouth of the tunnel to greet them. Fred paid them half-hearted greetings, his eyes searching the room.

He found her by instinct, seven years of watching her had that effect. She was scruffy, her favourite hoodie smeared with dirt and her hair half falling out of its braid, but her eyes were alight and met his.

He pushed through the crowd, desperate to be closer to her. When he approached, neither said any words and moulded against each other in a tight embrace. Home. He was home for the first time in months. Both of their faces were soaked with tears when they parted, coming together in a watery kiss.

“I’m sorry,” Hermione said against his skin. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She kept repeating it, pulling him closer as she did.

“Hermione,” Fred said, pulling back the least he could to see her. “It’s good to see you.”

They didn’t have time for a longer reunion. Snape was rallying all of the students, it was time. They kept ahold of each other all the while, from the seventh floor to the Great Hall and through everything that happened. When Snape retreated through the large stained glass window, glass showering down around them, they knew they had to let go.

“I need to go, he needs me.” She said.

“I know,” He replied. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She said, reaching up to give him a slow, meaningful kiss.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The battle raged on around Fred who narrowly avoided the spells flying past his head. Midnight had passed and Voldemort’s forces had invaded the castle. He hadn’t seen Hermione since their separation before her search for the diadem. He could feel her presence through the bracelet he had had returned to her the day after Christmas.

With Percy at his back, they fought their way through the castle. Red and green exploded around them like fireworks. A distant part of Fred’s brain thought of the last time he had been in this castle and the exuberant display he had George had released. It felt so much longer than eighteen months ago.

Hermione, Ron and Harry emerged from down the corridor. The warmth caused by his proximity to Hermione fuelling his reflection and aiming of spells. He felt more alive and happy than he could ever remember feeling.

An errant spell de-masked the Death Eater Percy was duelling with. It was the Minister of Magic. Percy, likely filled with the same exhilaration as the rest of them, quipped to his superior.

“You actually are joking, Perce. I don’t think I’ve heard you joke since you were-”

Everything cut out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been the last time Fred had truly laughed in nine months. When they pulled his body from the wreckage of the demolished wall, the smile was still etched upon his face.

They had to move him, that much was clear, but Hermione didn’t want to abandon him again. She wouldn’t stuff him in a niche where a suit of armour had previously been as the others urged. There was only one Horcrux left, Harry and Ron could finish it together. She stayed with Fred as the world continued to fall apart.

They had come so close their happy ending. But that didn’t matter now.

Fred was dead.

They won the war in the end but a large part of Hermione never left that battle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

She spent over a month clearing his stuff out of the flat. Seeing the physical impact of her decisions tormented her. He hadn’t moved anything, she was almost certain that if she went into the bathroom even her toiletries would be in the exact place she had left them. She had devastated him, made him miserable. How could she justify that breaking up with him had been what she had thought was best for him.

In the trunk at the end of their bed, she found a collection of parchment tied together by a cord of leather. They were letters, or at least some were, others were just half-finished notes or scribbled sentences.

Hermione, love, please let me speak to you.

Running away doesn’t help anyone...

I know why you did it but…

I miss you.

I still love you.  

The phrases jumped from the pages, each of them a fresh strike. It took days before she could approach the trunk again. Buried at the bottom of the trunk, she found a sealed envelope with her name carefully written on it. Tentatively, she broke the wax to remove the letter.

Hermione,

If you’re reading this, I’ve died. I know I said nothing bad would happen so it would appear you are right again. Even the best of us are wrong sometimes, you’ll have to forgive me for that. Everyone wants a happy ending, mine was to live here with you until we were both old and grey. Life doesn’t guarantee anything, however, so capture happiness wherever you can.

I don’t blame you for leaving me. We are both very stubborn and I probably would have done the same in your position. I only regret the time we lost but I will be waiting on this side until you join me. Promise it won’t be for a long, long time. Until then, don’t be sad or mourn me. I have had a great life in this world and you have shown me what it means to truly love somebody and be loved in return. For that, I will forever be grateful. I am onto the next great adventure discovering the mysteries of what lies beyond.

I have written letters for George and the rest of my family, please deliver them for me. Give them all a kiss from me, for you have all of my love now and always.

Forever yours,

Fred.

#fremione #fremione fanfiction #fremione fanfic #fred weasley #fred deserved better #Fred Weasley x Hermione Granger #Fred x Hermione #Harry Potter #hp #hp ff #hp fandom #hp fanfiction #fremione ff #weasley twins #fred and George weasley #fred and george #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #harry potter fanfiction #fanfiction #fan fiction #dont hate me #I had to

[sailorhyunjinz]

WAIT CHERRY BUNNY IS GLITCHING I SAW U JUST RESPONDED TO ANONS REQUEST - my whole body is glitching that is so cute pls . Seungmin gives off the sweetest most accepting vibes and I love it. Stan a puppy boy who loves chubby girls 💔

BUT YEA you and I literally think the same way ? If I really like someone I can’t just .. not touch .. them 🧍🏼‍♀️you’re also really cute , so I feel like we’d be snuggling a whole lot 🥰 <33

I can imagine some of them have code 😭 like - changbin’s code for “I’m horny , and want to fuck you” , is him waking you up at 2am to “cuddle” because he’s in need of “love and affection” but not in the innocent way that he makes it out to be lolol

I actually have skz sex hcs so pls take them , I’m feeding u 😩<33

Chan

- Either soft dominant , or bratty sub asf

- Calls you “baby” , “love” , or “honey” , because he’s a hopeless romantic - and enjoys the thought of being all sweet and soft with you. On the other side of the spectrum , probably calls you either “mommy” , or “mama” rip my heart SJFBD

( probably sees you as super fragile , and thinks you’re gonna snap in half in he manhandles you 🧍🏼‍♀️ )

- Super sentientive on both his ears and chest , and can cum untouched just by being massaged or kissed in those areas . Take that as you will ,,

- Definitely the type to do slow , but deep trusts. Never goes hard , unless he’s service topping - and really, really needy / horny :( <33

- Isn’t blunt at all when aroused .. just .. hints , like a toddler T_T

“I really wish that I were being touched right now”

“There are a lot of different things that we could be doing right now , since a bed has many purposes”

Changbin

- Hard dom .. that is all ..

- Horniest motherfucker that you will literally ever meet .. jerking off to a photo of just your face ? Yeah , he’s on that , and will think of the dirtiest things while doing so

- Is super clingy when horny , doesn’t wanna let go of you and your pretty body <//3

- Probably into body worship and rope bunnies , I mean .. let’s just be completely honest here lol

- Is not shy at all .. could literally be at work and would be 200% fine with pulling some dirty ass shit ??

“Send me a video of you getting off , princess. Use the biggest toy that you own”

“It’s hard to focus whenever I’m thinking about you like this .. my dick this fucking hard”

LIKE SHSHBFS I .. would faint ??

Jisung

- Jisung is a different breed asf

- No labels , he just wants to cum .. and make u cum. He’s definitely more of a service top , though bfhdje

- Super loud during sex , like .. this man goes from soft sighs , to obnoxious whimpers .. to screams - and it’s literally the hottest thing you’ve ever fucking heard

- Definitely into pretty lingerie , short skirts, stockings , cosplay.. ( like - a dirty schoolgirl or smth .. yeah ,, never said that he wasn’t kinda into roleplaying as your teacher 😸 ) it gets him off like crazy ?? <//3 he’s so cute pspsspsspp

- Senstive cock .. like .. really sensitive. That is all. Allow your imagination to run wild ! :D

- Says shit like :

“Please don’t stop.. gonna cum -!”

“You’re so good at this , so good..”

“You’re so beautiful / handsome”

Also an excessive amount of I love you’s , and “baby”

Hyunjin

- Either a service top or soft dom ( ? ) not really sure about it .. maybe considers himself unlabeled as well ! :D

- Literally cannot keep himself from getting unbearably horny around you .. I mean , you’re perfect - I don’t blame him ! <3

- The type to think a lot of dirty thoughts in his head , but feel a little to shy to just come out and just say it

- Breeding kink 1000% ?? Jinnie loves the intimacy of cumming inside of you. If you would prefer him not to do so, then he would cum all over your ass , or stomach. He likes to see his mark on you , he finds it super hot

- Definitely someone who enjoys being watched. If he wakes up around 3 , which is often , because he can’t sleep super well when restless ; he’ll get off right next to you. Openly hopes you’ll either see or hear , subconsciously jerking off to the thought

- Calls you “dove” or “bunny” while fucking pspsoso

( soft whines and whimpers. Loves fucking up into his hand , pretending it’s your tight cunt .. chefs kiss as fuck !! )

Minho

- HARD dom !! Like - no doubt about it ?? Definitely into bdsm and shit like that .. </3 it’s so hot ,,

- Dress up as a pretty kitten , tail , ears and all .. he’ll fucking lose his cool. You’re getting fucked , and hard .. but not before he punishes you 🥺

spankings are his favorite form of punishment , along with flogging and orgasm denial <//3

( guess who’s not gonna be able to walk for the next week ! Have fun explaining that to your friends ..)

- Fucking LOVES oral sex. He loves that he can make you cum with just his tongue , or his fingers. He also enjoys receiving .. I mean , come on. He will boast about seeing you on your knees ready to please him

“Gonna be a good girl / boy for daddy , aren’t you?”

“Aww .. did you like that ? You want more ? Beg”

- Public sex is such a turn on for him .. he literally won’t be able to contain himself :,)

Felix

- Definitely a sub. 100% bottom or a service top !!

- Touches his cock a lot ,, because he’s needy. Knows that it’s against the rules , but needs to cum at least once a day

- Sometimes gets horny while gaming , and so he’ll hump either a pillow or a stuffed animal while doing so. He tries to keep his wines under control , because if anyone hears him - his mommy / daddy will not be pleased. Always ends up spurting little lines cum across the soft material :( </3

- Loves getting pegged / fucked - though it only really gets him off if you’re in the missionary or doggystyle position ! He loves the intimacy , and adores feeling little under your touch

- Phone sex 24/7 !! Especially if you’re away ,, he constantly calls you when all whiny n stuff :(

“I feel needy .. may I please touch my cock?”

“Yes ,, m mommy / daddy’s good little pup”

( Rip bunny <//3 )

Seungmin

- Dom ... in all aspects possible

- Loves choking , spanking , and groping <33

- Horny as fuck , and has no shame .. will literally call u while you’re busy :

“I’m horny , be a good boy / girl and help me get off”

- When it comes to orgasming , his go-to will always be either inside of a condom or deep into your heat. Also loves cumming all over your tongue T_T

- Loves experimenting with fucking different places in the house .. he just ,, can’t get enough of it

also obsessed with car sex jdsbfjks

- Calls you “little one” , “puppy”, and “angel” 💔

Jeongin

- soft dom or no label !! <3

- He loves to finish inside of the condom while he’s still inside of your heat T_T

- Definitely the type to wanna do doggystyle every single time lsmshfks.. he just loves grabbing and slapping on your ass while he’s railing you ??

- Definitely masturbates a lot in the shower .. idk ,, it just seems right asf 🧍🏼‍♀️

- Not super horny .. doesn’t have a super high drive for sex like most guys do <3

- Very sweet and attentive :

“Do you want me to go faster .. or slower ?”

“It doesn’t hurt , right baby?”

SIGH !! I HOPE U LIKE IT !!

-🐇 is .. currently feeling .. 💤

AAAAHHH BUNNY U ARE AMAZING?! FEEDING ME THIS BEAUTY?! KITH MANY KITH TO U <<<333

this is so much better than anything i will ever write because it’s so accurate akdfhjf my switch brain is like “wtf is going on” because i want them to destroy me as doms and then destroy them as subs (^・x・^) 

pegging felix in missionary while you see his pained expression as you slam into him? 😩😩😩 

ALSO DRESSING UP FOR MINHO LIKE YAAALL my pussy screaming hahshsh he would spoil you with all types of ears, buttplugs and slutty costumes and would expect you to be ready by the time he came home. If not... you would not be able to walk which i mean,,, if it’s from fucking him it’s 100% ok in my book lmao

go and rest up bunny~~ you have done well today ♡

[houndin-around]

First off I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that follows me and deals with me 🥺💕 I kinda can’t believe I’m at 100? I have a lot more up coming so bare with me!! I also wanted to try my hand at writing a few headcanons for some of our favorite boys involving how they handle their emotions when they first find that special one! Will do some more later! And since I reached 100 followers I will also be releasing some of my world-building headcanons about my CEO Maul AU that is in the works!

Wolffe- This boy gets extremely, overwhelmed with his emotions and in turn, he begins lashing out at others accidentally. It's simply because he doesn't understand how to control all these new emotions he's experiencing and he's confused and scared. After all, he's not even supposed to be feeling like this so he feels as if he's failing:

*Ever since you convinced Plo Koon to aid his men to Aleen for support, Wolffe has started feeling weird. Any time you tried to approach him though, he was rather reserved and sometimes gave you the cold shoulder. That is until you kept pestering him and eventually broke that beskar like a shield he had up.

*He doesn’t understand what it is, and he’s convinced he’s picked up a bug or something while planetside. Though he refuses to admit being sick and keeps it to himself.

*Part of him doesn’t understand why he has the constant need to get off 24/7 either, and somehow his mind always ends up wandering to you.

*Maker is he spiraling in the hell of feelings.

*During a skirmish with the 501st, he starts lashing out at Boost more than usual because it’s a “life or death” situation, and any mistake they make during these drills reflect on the battlefield. Even though it’s just a friendly game Skywalker organized to keep the troopers entertained but also practice strategizing.

*As days pass, and the more you’re around Wolffe begins secluding himself more. Trying to deal with the weirdness he’s experiencing, still not able to pinpoint what the hell is going on with him.

*“Good you’re here.” When Sinker manages to locate his Commander and he barges into his quarters while starting to interrogate him.

*Wolffe felt like a blaster shot got him right in the chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, knowing he couldn’t escape Sinker’s questions. The commander hadn’t even noticed his emotions were controlling his behavior he was too wrapped up feeling like a defective clone.

*Wolffe knows clones weren’t supposed to have feelings, only to do their duty by serving the republic and that was it. Not even allowed to have possessions and yet, the idea of you being his was something he couldn’t suppress. It was wrong but anytime any other man spoke to you, held your attention he longed to stun them with his blaster.

*Eventually, Sinker was able to get Wolffe to unravel everything he was hanging onto. At first teasing, the commander was his first instinct, however, once he noticed how uncomfortable and shrunken the man in front of him was he immediately began comforting him.

*Wolffe made Sinker swear not to tell a soul, in exchange for relentless teasing and inside jokes between the two now. Something Wolffe “hates” but it’s better than everyone knowing, especially you while he gets all the advice from his brother on emotions, love, and most importantly how to get you in his grasp.

*“Kriff Wolffe, I’ve never seen you blush so much,” All Wolffe could let out was a low growl, eyes too focused on you walking down the hallway. Just the way you smiled and greeted him left him in a trance. “Guess that’s why they call it puppy love! Get it, Wolffe! Maybe we should just call you Wolffe Pup!”

*“Cut it out di’kut.” He hissed, walking away to escape to his quarters.

______________

Echo- This precious baby is worried he's not good enough for you. He's super shy and just wants to treat you the way you deserve is that too much to ask?

*100% hopeless romantic, but not sure how to execute it.

*This boy is SOFT. But he’s not one to seek out that attention for himself, he just wants to bask you in that attention, making you feel like you’re his whole world. Because you are. He’d do absolutely anything for you. But in the beginning, it was hard for him to even consider himself worthy of your love. He never knew what love actually felt like until he met you, but he was always intrigued by the idea of love.

*When he first locked eyes with you, it was in a cantina on Tatooine. Wrecker insisted on checking the planet out to scope out any odd bounties to take care of since there were no current missions.

*Of course, once his eyes met with yours that was it. A chill ran down his spine, and his cheeks were dusted with a rosy hue. Butterflies filling his stomach. Once the rest of the bad batch caught on, boy did they give him hell.

*Majority of their time on Tatooine, Echo would wander off by himself into town in hopes to run into you, but knowing damn well he wouldn’t try anything. He was far too scared and self-conscious about it. Especially after meeting the Techno Union, he didn’t feel worthy of your time, didn’t feel like he deserved anyone. He felt like a monster.

*If he wasn’t looking around for you, he was sitting outside the bad batch ship, prosthetic knees pulled into his chest as he pondered the true meaning of love. Considering the possibility you are what most call a “soul mate.”

*All the secret reading of holo novels and never prepared him for the true experience and now he’s left alone with his thoughts. Hatred building at all his imperfections he now has.

*Tech at one point tried to explain the whole biological basis of love and theories supporting it, but that only made Echo’s head spin. On the other hand, he had Wrecker in his ear on the vulgarities of love. Though, because these troopers were different, they didn’t discourage their brother either. They fully supported whatever would make him happy which only made him think of Fives even more. Fives would know what to say and guide him in the right direction because after all Fives always had civies swooning over him.

*“For Fives.” He’d repeat over and over, trying to muster the courage to even approach you at the market. Echo wanted his brother to be proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone in an attempt to discover if what he was truly feeling was love.

*Even though he was embarrassed to admit it to himself, he attempted some of Fives’ pick up lines but when the words tumble out of his mouth…they sound more like rambles, managing to forget the important parts of said pick up lines leaving Echo red and more flustered

*He’s honestly so precious trying to follow in his brother’s footsteps. Even if he’s making a fool out of himself, the giggle he gets from you is so rewarding that he keeps coming back to your vendor stall.

*The way he sees you look at him like he’s not broken and defective based on his cybernetics makes his heart leap. He finally found someone that hasn’t pitied him or trying to fix him.

*This is love. This is without a doubt the definition of love he was searching for. Crosshair was wrong. Soul Mates did exist, and it was you. Maker was it you, and he will do his best to try and show you how much he cherishes you as he learns more.

________

Fives- This man doesn’t stop at anything!! We all know he’s a popular man, but when that one special someone has his heart that’s it. He’s 100% devoted and will try to win their love every single day as if its started all over again. His pick up jokes are hella corny though and I will die on this hill!

*Confidence!!! Need I say more? Especially after a few drinks at 79s.

*This man will not hesitate to invade your personal space and whisper sweet nothings in someone's ear. Except when he tries it on you? He earns a swift smack to the face, damaging his ego a bit.

*Boy, the look on the rest of the 501st’ face should’ve been holorecorded. He’s NEVER rejected. But you weren’t the type to entertain drunk strangers. Despite the embarrassing encounter, Fives is plotting another scheme to get your attention. Although let's be honest, he’s always scheming!

*Even though he has a pretty high body count, it never meant anything to him. Just some stimulation and stress relief. However, that all stopped when he laid eyes on you. He swore to himself that he’d do everything in his power to be with you. But not just intertwined in the sheets, no, soul and all, hand and hand.

*Fives has heard about love before, but he never really thought he’d find someone who made him feel like that. If he was being honest with himself, he was kinda skeptical about it. After all, he didn’t really know anyone who experienced it. At least he wasn’t aware.

*It took him quite a few days of talking in the mirror and hyping himself up before he dared to try again before it dawned on him you may not even be there again. This kind of sends him spiraling a bit, anxiety starting to creep up on him like a Rishi Eel.

*One thing about Fives though is he’s determined. He was willing to wait as long as he possibly could to cross paths with you once more in hopes to patch things up and catch your attention. Some of the boys had Kix check up on their brother as he was constantly rambling to himself, thinking about all the possible scenarios he’d had with you at 79s. He managed to convince everyone he was fine though, just strategizing.

*His second attempt at winning you over went a little something like this; You were leaning against the bar, talking to a friend while he waltzed up to order a drink. He notices your friend begins to nudge you, only for you to roll your eyes once you see who it is. Of course, he’s got that stupid grin on his face, ready to work his magic. “You look tired darling.” His mouth hovers over the brim of the glass, eyes locking with yours. “I’m fine.” Your eyebrow raised, curious as to what game this clone was playing. You had to admit he was ballsy and hot…in an irritating kind of way. “Hmm...Surprised.” Fives mumbled taking another sip of his Trandoshan ale, “Cos you’ve been running through my mind all day.” The friend next to you ended up spitting her drink on the floor and your face beat red and not because of the alcohol.

*Once he laid out that card, that was it. He locked you in and you had no choice but to give him some of your time.

*Just the way he admires the words tumbling out of your lips, all attention on you, is surprising. Here you thought you had a man just wanting to slip into your pants and yet, he’s listening to your life story, asking questions about you. Your likes, dislikes, everything.

*He’s not one to admit he’s wrong, but he apologizes for his first interaction with you. Even admits that he was so awestruck with your beauty that his brain just stopped functioning.

*After several outings, his demeanor never changes. He’s so into you and remembers every detail about you. Any shift in your tone and he’s pressing you to talk about whatever is on your mind. Wanting to be the one to help you through it all.

*“Ya know Rex. I think I’m in love?” The captain couldn’t help but let out a snicker before realizing Fives is serious. “You? In love? Since when was that possible?” Fives just rolled his eyes and gave Rex a somewhat gentle push, before sneaking a peek at the holopic he has of you. Love was better than he expected, especially when it involved you.

#headcanon #star wars #star wars clone wars #clone wars #clone wars fanfic #commander wolffe #clone trooper echo #arc trooper echo #arc trooper fives #clone trooper fives #fives #echo #wolffe

[ververa]

Strong Enough

A/N: Okay, so my dear petals, this is gonna be a-few-part story. The inspiration for writing it was my own heartbreak and breakdown, but also some things that happened along the way. I hope that you will enjoy it and that maybe some of you can relate to it.

I’d like to dedicate it to everyone who has ever got their heart broken.

Last but by no means least, I’d like to thank my friends  @emilyprentissisababe​ @misssmephisto​ @darling-dontforgetme​ @sarahsbabygurl​ @angel-of-me​ for being there for me <3

Part 1: Xandra x fem!reader

Words: 2.300

You had never been a huge fan of relationships. It’s not that you didn’t want to be in one - you did. You were just afraid of being hurt as you got your heart broken almost always. You were  way too sensitive for all that and usually fall hard for people, so at some point you decided you’d be better by yourself. But then you met her… 

Xandra came into your life when you less expected it. You didn’t think you would ever  fall for her, as she’s far from your idea of a perfect partner. Yet she knew very well how to talk to you. She got to you and before you realized it you were bound to her. Everyone kept telling you that she’s no good for you. And deep inside you felt they might have been right. You felt like something wasn’t quite okay when you began having troubles sleeping and struggle to keep your emotions under control. Yet you were stubborn. It felt so good to have her - at least you repeated that to yourself. So, even though you were hurting most of the time, as crying became something normal - almost as brushing teeth every morning - you kept pushing yourself, because you didn’t want to lose her. Whenever you were sad and your friends tried to convince you to break up with Xandra you would take her side. You knew your relationship wasn’t all that healthy, but it felt good. It felt amazing to be in love. It felt wonderful to have someone with whom you could share your dreams, ideas, thoughts. Someone who was a part of your life and with whom you wanted to create the future.

It was detrimental to you, but you kept going further and further. You didn’t want to give up on her even when it’s hard to be around her. Xandra had her ways to get you do whatever she wanted. She had her own moods, desires, priorities, goals. She was a “conqueror”. She constantly needed to have something to achieve, because when she hadn’t she got bored. Xandra loved being in charge and you totally submitted, as you were sure that would make her happy and would let you keep her by your side. You were ready to do anything - whatever it took to make her satisfied, to make her believe you were worth her love and time. Whenever something was wrong you took the blame on yourself. You praised her and treated her as if she were a queen, even though you were falling apart from inside.

You gave her all of you. You gave her more than you could actually. But despite it one day she just decided she didn’t want you any longer. She told you that you were not the one and she didn’t love you anymore. And just like that she left. She took the best of you and left you all alone as if you were some kind of a toy that wasn’t trendy anymore. 

At first you couldn’t understand it, but with time you began to realize how many signs you had missed. You were blinded by something that you called love. You wanted to be with her so badly that you stopped noticing she didn’t care. There was no affection or attention on her side. Xandra simply didn’t give a shit about you anymore. You had never really considered your breaking up, because for you she was the only one. You didn’t want to give up on her even when you were more hurt than happy. You had tried to reach for her so many times, so, when she actually left - it hit you harder than anything before.

You knew it’s bad, but you didn’t realize how bad. You stopped noticing most of the things and kept on blaming yourself. You felt betrayed. You felt awful - it even got to the point when you began to experience physical pain. It wasn’t just your mind and soul that were suffering - it was everything, all of you - your mind, soul and body. You had a breakdown and then got depressed.

You didn’t know what to do with your life. You didn’t know how to carry on without her, because you hadn't thought you would have to. You knew it wasn’t wise to need someone, as much as you had depended on her. You knew you had fallen way too hard and the worst thing about it was that, despite promising, she wasn’t there to catch you. And so you crashed. You felt like a clown for being this way. But no matter how hard you tried you simply couldn’t get over it just like that. You couldn’t act as if nothing had happened, because it had. It did happen and it broke you in all possible ways. You felt as if you had lost a part of you and that part was so huge, that you didn’t feel like yourself anymore. But even worse than that was the feeling of not being good enough. It just kind of made you feel like a loser. 

You kept wondering how it was possible - to go from falling in love to falling apart so easily. You asked yourself how could have you been so naive and deceptive? You felt hopeless. There was no one to hear your SOS. No one to catch you. No one who could save you from what you had done to your poor heart yourself. You knew that you were the one who had to save yourself  from a heartache and all the misery on your own, yet it was harder than it might have seemed. 

You stopped in front of a mirror and looked at your reflection. You frowned seeing how miserably you looked. Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, you had under eye circles, because of many sleepless nights. It had been weeks since you put on any make-up at all. You hadn’t worn anything, but some baggy T-shirts and sweatpants either. But you didn’t care. You just kind of felt like dying. 

“You look like a shit, Y/N” you said to yourself “No wonder she doesn’t want you” you sighed

You spent most of the time in bed - just lying there and crying. Wondering what you did wrong, why weren’t you enough anymore. It had been almost two weeks since Xandra had broken up with you. She already moved on. She was happy and had a new someone, but you still couldn’t pull yourself together. 

Every day was like a torture. A never-ending battle with yourself and your feelings. You couldn’t forget and you failed to understand how she could have walked away just like that. Where were those happy days? What happened to your love? You kept asking yourself. There were so many questions and doubts

“Y/N, you should eat something” your best friend said

“I’m not hungry…” you shrugged preparing some coffee

Caffeine  was the last thing on the earth that kept you going physically, yet it’s far more worse mentally, because for that kind of pain there was no cure.

“You’re doing it again” she complained

“Doing what?”

“Punishing yourself for something that you’re not the one to blame for”

“I am not punishing myself…”

  Deep inside you knew your friend was right. Maybe not exactly, but you indeed were destructing yourself. It wasn’t on purpose. You wanted to sleep, you wanted to eat and function as you did before the break-up. Yet, you couldn’t. Your stomach hurt for most of the time. Whenever you tried to eat something you felt nauseous. You did realise how it affected your body - you lost on weight and had no energy at all. You tried to pull yourself together, but you also didn’t feel like a person anymore.

You were drained - both mentally and physically. You were devastated and didn’t act like yourself. That made your friends worried. At first your best friend was sure it would pass soon and you’d get better with time. But weeks passed and your state was getting worse and worse. Luckily for you, you didn’t need to go to work for a couple of weeks, because if you had to, you would most likely lose that job. However it was different with school. You tried to get everything done, but it was too much for your exhausted mind and body. And so you totally messed it up.

Your best friend  tried everything to help you, but nothing seemed to work. You’re getting thinner, paller, more tired. It kind of looked as if life was slowly living your body. You became totally apathetic. You paid no attention to anything - especially yourself. That's why your friend couldn’t just sit on her hands. 

“Get up!” she yelled trying to make you get out of your bed 

“What for?”

“We’re going to a party. Come on! Get up. You need to take a shower and put on makeup”

“I don’t want to…”

“But you need to. Come on, Y/N, you’ll feel better”

“Xandra didn’t like me going out”

“Because she was a possessive, devious bitch who wanted to control you” she snapped “Look, baby, I know it hurts, but she’s not here anymore. You have no one to be faithful to - only yourself. And you really need to pull yourself together, because I’m worried”

“It just feels weird… I mean going out on my own”

“Y/N you don’t need an owner. You’re fine on your own, remember?”

“Yeah” you nodded as your mind went back to the moment you - yourself said that   

“Now drink this” she gave you a glass of water “And go get ready, cause tonight we’re having fun as we used to do”

You smiled and nodded obediently drinking water.

Your friend had no idea that the party would result in your entering yet another stage of your breakdown. She couldn’t have possibly known. Moreover it was really hard to say whether that phase was better or not. You began taking care of yourself again. At first everyone was sure you finally got over Xandra, but that was only an illusion. In reality you were still cracking from inside - more and more with every day, yet you decided to do something about it. Well, maybe not exactly about it, but you just wanted to stop feeling all those negative things. At times you thought that it was far more better to be numb, rather than experiencing all the sadness and misery. That horrible feeling of emptiness was killing you and you desperately tried to fill it with something.

At first it felt peculiar. You were dressing up, but not for Xandra. You forgot how that felt, the same as you forgot how it was to go out and meet new people. But you didn’t need much time to catch up on all that you had missed. You didn’t get better at all. Instead of crying you just started going out and partying. You began drinking and smoking more. You were meeting a lot of new people and spending time with them, but you didn’t even like them. You only wanted some distraction. You realized it was really selfish and it wasn’t like you, but apparently that was what you had learnt from Xandra. 

From time to time you had those moments, when you were absolutely sure you got over her completely. You were perfectly able to be happy on your own. But every time you felt that way there always came a comedown.You might have been happy all day or even a few days in a row. Yet then you got even more depressed and vastly indifferent.

Rendezvous with bottles of alcohol of all kind, swaying drunk on the dance floor or flirting with newly met people - all that was for nothing. None of those things could cure you.  

It was hard to be around you. You were pretty annoying and unpredictable. You were aware of how many bothersome situations you put your friend in, but you couldn’t stop it. It felt as if you were going from being totally in control to not being in control at all. You just kind of got lost deep inside and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t find yourself. It took you some time to realize there was no “you” anymore. However, your best friend was there for you. She kept taking care of you anyway, because she loved you as if you were her sister. That’s why she wasn’t going to let you totally lost yourself and  waste your life for grieving over someone who wasn’t worth it.

It was one of those days that felt amazing, when you felt like old version of you. You were sure you got it and finally pulled yourself together. You were happy, you went out with some guys and got drunk. Then they offered you some "magical pills" as they called them and you obviously accepted, because you wanted to feel happier and didn’t want to think about Xandra. You had never thought that her being on your mind could be so detrimental and painful. You had never expected to experience such a heartache, when anything at all seemed  better than experiencing your own feelings.You took the pills they had given to you and drank even more. You didn’t think at that moment. You didn’t consider what outcomes it would bring. It did make you kind of happy at first. You felt so free and light, but then all the negative feelings hit you all over again. And there you were - dizzy, sweaty, nauseous and broken even more - in the middle of the club. Somehow you managed to call your friend and that was all you remembered from that night.

#xandra #xandra x reader #strong enough #part 1/? #heartbreak

[eddieonthemove]

Early months

Finding that pink line on the pregnancy test was a complete surprise for me. It was unplanned, unexpected and to be honest, couldn’t have been more badly timed. Looking back now, the pregnancy itself didn’t get any easier. When people say that pregnant women have this kind of bloom around them, for me it was more of a gloom. I was sick, tired, couldn’t sleep or eat properly, and on top of that serious problems in the relationship and a very stressful job. Not ideal!

When I was 23 weeks pregnant I started showing a tiny bit, although I still looked like I had a bit more for lunch than normal rather than being pregnant. For the coming weekend my partner Ben and I were planning to go to Snowdonia. That didn’t go as planned. Instead, I woke up on Thursday that week and was bleeding a bit. I googled the symptoms and then walked to work as usual, because Google said it can happen. My colleagues persuaded me to call my midwife and then called me a taxi to go to the hospital. I didn’t take my pregnancy notes, I literally thought I would be back at work in a few hours. Instead, after the examination, a doctor sat me down and told me “don’t panic but you’re in labour”. Well, you can imagine I started panicking. At only 23+5 days pregnant.

The following few hours I went from crying, being petrified, calling my parents, wanting to leave the hospital because the doctors were obviously wrong, to being scared that Ben wouldn’t even show up. If I ever thought before that I wasn’t ready, I definitely wasn’t ready for this. I was transferred onto a delivery suite immediately and got a midwife assigned to me. Within a few hours I was given lots of painkillers and other medication to try to stop the labour, as well as steroids for the little one. Ben arrived with a few friends and I basically cried through it.

Many doctors talked to us after that, explained what little chances there were, what were the possible outcomes, and told me I needed to keep the baby (until that point the sex wasn’t confirmed) inside until at least 24 weeks. The people, nurses, doctors, midwifes, and everybody involved were absolutely amazing. Contractions started slowly but surely and by Saturday morning I was praying for whatever to happen to stop this. At that point, we knew it was going to happen that day and I had never felt less ready. I felt like I needed years to prepare for whatever was coming. I needed my parents, who were thousands of miles away. I wanted as much medication to kill the pain as possible, however I couldn’t get any because it was too risky. Another hard thing was deciding about the unborn baby’s life, just in case. Deciding whether we wanted for the doctors to do everything possible to keep the baby alive or to let nature do what was meant to be. We agreed to give it a try but not to push the little one if he didn’t want to stay with us. I had never felt so lonely in my life. We had been waiting until late evening for my water to break, but once it did the rest happened very quickly.

Eddie was born on Saturday, 12th of May 2018 at 24 weeks of gestation, weighing only 640g (1.4 lbs), breach, but despite all that decided to fight his first big fight for life. Doctors asked us if we wanted to see him, I’m not sure if Ben did, but I was so exhausted that the only thing I wanted was to sleep. Eddie went straight into an incubator and got transferred to the neonatal unit. I got morphine and thought I would rest, but hallucinations and sickness followed. In the early morning hours we were woken up to be transferred to a normal room and after a couple more hours of sleep a nurse came to ask if I wanted to start expressing milk. Honestly? That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t even want to see my baby. The first journey to the neonatal unit was horrifying, all I wanted was to go home and forget about everything that had happened. Eddie was at the far end, where the sickest babies were, and he was also the smallest one at the unit. When we first saw him, he looked like a little alien without any body fat, with see-through skin, red in colour. I felt awful for not feeling the supposedly instant maternal love.

NICU became the place where I spent most of my time and yet the place I hated most. The dim blue lights, the beeping machines, the hushed tones of doctors and nurses, medical language I didn’t understand despite being fluent in English, everything sterile… On top of the early arrival, Eddie had a large haemorrhage on his brain on both sides and was fully incubated. It was a miracle he survived. That day was the beginning of his long journey. I rushed to get home to sleep in my bed and asked to be discharged the same day. The whole thing felt surreal. For the first few days Eddie was doing amazingly well, but then he got sick very quickly. We were scared to be called in every minute of every day. I felt constantly on edge and unable to relax. I would lie in bed clutching my phone, petrified whenever it rang in case it was bad news. Multiple complications, multiple “you should say your goodbyes now”. Every day was a nightmare with so much stress and fear. Expressing milk every three hours became a very hated chore, especially since Eddie couldn’t receive any milk because of so many complications.

Two days passed and it felt like a week, every day dragged so much. A couple of weeks after Eddie was born we were called at night and spent a day and a half on the unit nonstop as everything was pretty bad; even Ben burst into tears once. Eddie proved the doctors wrong and despite all odds he kept fighting and got better again. I had my first skin to skin cuddle with Eddie with about 6 nurses around just to make sure Eddie was ok. I felt like I couldn’t even move or touch my baby. However, I slowly became familiar with the nurses. Their guidance was great and we could have been involved as much or as little as we wanted, or that is at least what they said. Over the time Ben slowly stopped paying Eddie frequent visits, everything seemed to be much more difficult and the mental health of both of us was slowly hitting bottom. I felt so much pressure; I am the mother, I was the one who always had to come and visit. A few times we planned a trip somewhere and some nurses encouraged me to have a bit of a normal life, but on return to the hospital some nurses couldn’t not mention that I hadn’t visited Eddie for a day. I felt like they judged me and wondered how I could possibly dare not to show up for a few hours.

Most days I felt a strong urge to either curl up in a ball or run away and not have to face life as it was. I felt like jumping out of the window. I don’t think I would have done it, but I felt lost, lonely and distraught. I went through days when I hated even the thought of going to the hospital and days when I couldn’t be anywhere else because it was the only place where I felt safe. I needed Ben but he wasn’t able to be there for me. None of my friends understood (and I don’t blame them) but I felt like I was abandoned. I lived for my job and felt like it was taken from me. Everything was falling apart.  Anybody who tried to be there for me was just not good enough. I felt helpless and hopeless. I kept expressing milk and in the first weeks I did so well that even nurses told me I had to store it at home as they had no space left. That quickly changed, because mental health clearly affects everything. SCIPS, a charity that is based in the hospital offered me private counselling, probably because I cried most of the time, not only when Eddie was not well, but even when he was getting better. I started attending weekly sessions and it took a good 6 months for me to realise that this was not my fault. The idea that every woman has a pregnancy that is 9 months long is just an ideal situation, but what happened to us can happen to anybody.

“Life can throw us many curve balls, with children undoubtedly being one of them. Factor into that medical problems, our very young age as parents, my lack of desire to ever be a parent and an unsure future and you have the mother of all curve balls. To say that I dragged my heels at the thought of being a father would be an understatement. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and to accept that, like it or not, I no longer have the choice; I have a son. The whole journey from finding out that Eli was pregnant to Eddie finally being discharged from hospital has been the most harrowing and emotional yet maturing and life-changing experience that I could ever have imagined going through. Despite initial reluctance towards fatherhood, I was amazed at Eddie’s spirit and will to keep fighting. Despite numerous complications and a few near-death scares, he has found a way to pull through, in no small part thanks to all the staff at the NICU and his own stubborn willpower. Eli was and continues to be incredibly brave and has been so strong for both Eddie and me throughout all of this and is the most wonderful mother that Eddie could ever hope for. Even now with a long way to go before he starts to catch up with the development of children his age, he still manages to astonish us with his progress, and always with a smile on his face. The experience of an un-planned, extremely premature birth has without a doubt taken its toll on our mental health and our relationship, and yet the future still seems brighter than ever with such a lovely, happy boy to light the way. Although Eli and I may have not made it as a couple, I feel that we are doing all that we can to succeed at being the best parents that we can to Eddie and now share a special relationship as a family that has brought us all even closer than before. Seeing his progress after a mere two-hour session at the Bobath Centre was incredible, leading us to believe wholeheartedly that they can aid him in his growth and allow him to live a normal life, regardless of his premature birth. Above all else, I am immeasurably proud and grateful that Eddie is as stubborn as his parents with his never-give-up attitude towards life. He has seized every opportunity so far and I hope that he continues to do so for the rest of his life. He may have been unexpected, but the best gifts are always a surprise.”

Ben, Eddie’s Dad

Eddie was slowly getting better and once he was off any help with breathing, it was just a waiting game until he was ready to go home. I gave up on breastfeeding as the pressure of it and the slow decrease of my milk supply was bringing me down even more. Another hard thing on the unit was seeing all the babies come and go. Nurses told me to talk to other parents many times, and I did, I made a few friends, but most of the time I was jealous of their babies’ progress or the support they had around them… Most of the people I met through NICU always come back and look for a reason to drop in and say hi, but the journey through NICU is the one thing I would very much like to forget about. However, I am and will always be so grateful for all doctors and nurses that helped Eddie to fight for his life.

Eddie got discharged on the 12th of September, exactly 4 months after he was born. Ben and I roomed in for the last night, I don’t think we even exchanged one single word that night, now I know that Ben had never been that scared in his life, and I was too. Unfortunately for me, I was the one who had to be ok and strong. It was just expected of me. We were actually lucky, as Eddie didn’t need any oxygen help at home or a feeding tube, and yet it didn’t feel great.

The first few months at home were definitely not a piece of cake, but I guess it never is for any new parents. I can’t say we didn’t go through anything abnormal (apart from using a lot of syringes and medicine every day), just a lot of crying and the usual things that come with a ‘newborn’ baby. I had to take Eddie back to the hospital three times, twice for a bad episode of bronchiolitis (when once his lung partially collapsed) and once for a hernia operation. Apart from that, our Eddie has grown to be a very happy little boy and I’ve grown to love him more than anything in the world. So did Ben, despite all that’s happened. Our relationship didn’t survive, we failed as a couple, but not as parents, Eddie gave us the strength to realise that even when things aren’t going as planned, we can survive.

Eddie’s now 15 months old. He would have been 1 year old on the 1st of September 2019 if he was born on his due date and weighs an amazing 10 kg! He doesn’t roll over much (even though he can do it), he can’t sit up by himself, he doesn’t crawl and is behind with most of the normal milestones. I stopped taking Eddie to baby groups because I couldn’t cope with other children developing normally and felt like I wanted to give Eddie as much as I could to be able to give him a normal life. After contacting Bliss, an international charity for sick and premature babies and Bobath Centre for children with cerebral palsy, Eddie has been admitted onto the Early Intervention Scheme in Bobath Centre Wales and had his first assessment with a senior physiotherapist in August. We will have more sessions to go to and an intensive block every 4 months. It will be a lot of hard work and exercise and we are praying that Eddie will be able to have a normal life one day.

I wouldn’t wish for anybody to have an extremely premature child but I am happy to be the person I’ve become and that’s pretty much shaped by what I’ve been through over the last two years, even though I am still very far away from being ok with everything that’s happened. I have severe panic attacks and strong anxiety, I’ve become terrified of sharing personal things with people around me and I know this experience will affect me for a long time. Writing this story, however, and going through everything again seems to be the right step now, a step forward. All of my family, from my one thousands of miles away to my one here including Ben and Ben’s family and my close friends, we all love Eddie very much and I wouldn’t change that for anything. He is our little miracle!

Eli, Eddie’s mum 

(originally posted on  15th August 2019) 

”We did not know that our son, Ben, and Eli were expecting a baby until less than a month before Eddie was born, so everything seemed to happen incredibly quickly thereafter.  We were very worried when Eli went into labour so early and whilst delighted at the news that Eddie had come into the world, we were also very anxious about not only our first and only grandson being born so prematurely (and all the health issues and problems arising from that) but also the pain and worry that our son and Eli would be going through, given the circumstances of Eddie’s very early birth.  We tried to give as much support as we could, in whichever way we could, but living a 5 hour return journey away meant it was difficult to visit and we didn’t want to get in the way, so texts were the main means of information exchange.  Ben and Eli kept us as well informed as they could, and news that the hospital had told them to go and say their final goodbyes on several occasions was truly heart-breaking, but Eddie clearly had different ideas and decided he wasn’t ready to leave. We first visited Eddie in the hospital incubator when he was 6 weeks old; he was so tiny and so beautiful, we fell in love with him immediately. We were overwhelmed at the wonderful support and care given by NICU and marvelled at Eddie’s fighting spirit. When Eddie came out of hospital, we visited again and the first time we babysat for him overnight, was really truly scary; there were so many things to remember: when to give his meds, when to feed, what to do if he choked, and so forth, but Eli and Ben’s calm parenting (plus the fact they were just a couple of streets away!) put us at ease and we had no problems at all; we thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience as any grandparents would.  When we babysat again a few months later for 3 whole days all by ourselves, we loved every minute of it and just wished we lived closer so that we could help more readily.We know our son was affected very deeply by Eddie’s birth and struggled at first to cope as a father, and although this whole experience has taken a toll on Ben and Eli’s relationship with each other, we still very much see them all as part of our wider family. We have never ceased to be amazed at how wonderful they both are as parents, and at the strength and fortitude of Eddie – he is such a fighter. We are so happy and proud to be his grandparents, and were delighted that Bobath accepted Eddie onto their Early Intervention Scheme so that he can have extra help with his developmental issues; we’re sure this extra help will make all the difference in the world to him in the future.” Anne and Simon, Proud Grandparents

#CerebralPalsy #PrematureBaby

[smuttymess]

bts astro soulmate reading | for elliot

This reading is for Elliot, a very sweet Yoonjin bias who sometimes (often) finds himself thinking about Kim Taehyung. Can you blame him? Thank you so much for your patience, love. I hope you enjoy and are staying safe a well. <3

A Cancer Sun and Libra Moon makes for a very mysterious, contradictory personality, with Cancer existing on a highly emotional and reserved plane while Libra yearns to roam, explore and adapt to their surroundings. You are all at once highly sociable, deeply enjoying the company of others, and private - often swimming away on your own to escape the harsh realities of the world - enjoying  a cozy night in with a good book or podcast almost as much as a delicious dinner out with a large group of friends and acquaintances. Those who don't know you well may accuse you of being a bit unsteady, seeing all the ways in which you adapt to your surrounding and feed off of others energies. Your close friends and family know that you are just water and air, constantly seeking balance and harmony in your relationships above all else. All three of your placements are geared towards security and balance, and at your core you crave stability and a strong foundation in your home that is calming, peaceful and without too much tension or unpleasantness. It is because of this that you are drawn to creative artistic pursuits, though you likely hold a more traditional full time job to ensure you are financially secure and comfortable. Those possessing your star placements are innately empathetic, nurturing of others and self-critical of self. While your Virgo rising lends itself to additional self-criticism, towards others you are incredibly soft, sentimental, and supportive - if only you showed more gentleness towards yourself! It is likely that you are loved by many, serving as a strong emotional refuge for family and friends alike, who admire your compassionate, trustworthy and purposeful nature.

A true lover of life's simple wonders, you are likely to gravitate towards the arts, spending your free time exploring museums, galleries, concerts, and any other large gathering around creative ideals. On one particular early fall afternoon while exploring an outdoor exhibit in the city with friends, your eyes gravitate towards a man playing a piano in the square. His presence is magnetic to you, your eyes immediately  drawn to his slouched posture as his fingers stroke each key, his face covered by short, black hair and a black cap. The shadow of the mysterious figure piques your curiosity, enough for you to approach him to have a closer listen, the melody floating through the crisp air of the changing seasons. It is almost as if in that moment nobody else is in the square - just you, the music and the mysterious gentleman - until his fingers stop moving, as if breaking from a trance. Fully immersed in his own world, he doesn't notice you standing there until several minutes later, his dark eyes moving to meet yours in a moment of instant attraction, one that only two water signs could possess.

Imagine your surprise when you find out that the presumably down-and-out aspiring artist is actually the esteemed Min Yoongi, a fact that he conceals until you're on your second or third date.

Ever the optimist and hopeless romantic, your Cancer Sun lives to love and be loved, both platonically and romantically - longing for a partnership that is all encompassing. This is amplified by your Venus in Leo, which makes you a lover of big love (think grand displays of affection, gift giving, and passionate quality time.) You want to spoil a partner, seeing no reason to skimp or cut corners for the people you love and expecting the same adoration in return. This is especially true once you fall hard, as it often takes some time for people to get past the barriers of your outwardly serious Virgo rising and your impenetrable deeper Cancer shell. At first you will keep your feelings close, waiting for the other party to reveal themselves to be genuinely trustworthy and open before letting them into your inner world. Once in love, you want to pull out all the stops, becoming the most nurturing, adoring lover - almost as if making up for lost time of keeping your emotions reigned in for so long. Yoongi's Pisces is also cautious in love, but it does not take long for him to show the range of his emotions, his romantic energy and empathy all at once making you feel secure and understood in ways that you do not often experience with other signs - signaling that it is okay to open up and be vulnerable. You are drawn to Yoongi's artistry that flows out of him, the sparseness of his words that hold meaning in every syllable, and he adores your compassionate nature - thinking of you as a true friend and companion, though the connection is very much a romantic one. A Cancer and Pisces are likely to spend countless hours tangled up in their sheets, hands softly caressing every inch of each other before even becoming overtly sexual. This is a duo that is incredibly intimate, enjoying savoring each and every delicious moment in each other's company and romantic spirits. You could undoubtedly spend the rest of your life laying next to Yoongi as his fingers graze your hair, cheek and neck, sweet nothings pouring into your ear. You naturally connect on an innately intimate level, the tone of his voice enough to rile you up long before his long, skilled fingers even begin to move down past your neck, chest and belly button. In bed, Yoongi brings a gentleness alongside just the right amount of kink to set you on fire.

Your desire for romance cannot be outweighed, however, by stability and comfort. A Cancer, while a hopeless romantic, is not excited by the idea of a tumultuous, unpredictable love wherein.spontaneity reigns. While you are ruled by water as a Cancer, your Libra heart and Virgo moon crave balance and relative predictability - something that our Pisces Yoongi wants but often escapes him in his quest for greatness. Yoongi's Venus is in Aries, making his love is a bit more impulsive and spontaneous, Ultimately, after many nights in bed alone with your partner huddled in his studio, you realize that Yoongi's more free-flowing Pisces spirit proves to be a bit too fluid for your Cancer heart. The dissolution of this relationship is extremely challenging given your shared emotional depths, and there is surely a continuation of the relationship via long, late night phone calls and sentimental texts until one of you breaks it off to preserve your sanity and wellbeing. This is a pairing that makes a lifelong, profound impact on each other, likely prompting Yoongi to write some of his best work to date.

A Cancer Sun and Libra Moon is not likely to be single for too long, very much preferring the company of a romantic partner to single life. Luckily for you, people are inherently drawn to your warmth, which lies beneath the surface of your Virgo rising but is quickly detectable by some. You're happy to find yourself approached by a handsome stranger while browsing through an indie record shop downtown, his fingers floating across the top of the album you've taken interest in. That's a great album, are you a fan? You aren't sure how long you are in the shop chatting up the boy, who introduces himself as Kim Namjoon, before you're off to grab a coffee at a nearby cafe.

It takes many months of seeing Namjoon the Virgo - who would prefer to be alone with a good book than in the presence of bad company - to reveal a more emotional side of himself. Despite approaching you first, Namjoon is not exactly suave, his endearingly goofy mannerisms a result of his high level of independence and time spent in solitude away from prying eyes. This relationship begins as more of a friendship with two generally cautious people tiptoeing around their emotions, wondering who is going to take the risk of revealing their true self first. But after some time it becomes clear that his more business-like, stoic Virgo exterior does not stand much of a chance against the depths of your Cancer emotion and Libra charm. When partnered, you are your person's biggest cheerleader, and it is your emotional range and empathic powers that can successfully soften the coldest heart as you only see the good in others - never the bad. Early on, much of the relationship is spent with you intently listening to his ramblings or championing his many professional creative endeavors - his words like poetry to you as he workshops new lyrics, projects, or his dreams of the future that he will so clearly put into action as a result of his . The Virgo is happy to open his mind to you over countless walks along the river or through lush parks outside of the city, a bond forming from your desire to be needed and wanted if even as a supportive listener. He senses your genuine interest in his thoughts - not for his status as a celebrity but who he is as a person. Your empathic qualities, while natural to you, are also a form of protection against getting hurt: speak less frequently, and you won't need to reveal many of your insecurities around your own potential. More than anything, Namjoon wants you to open up and let him in to your world. your innate strengths and talents, bringing you away from all of your negative self-talk and doubt around your abilities - something he can relate to deeply as a Virgo Sun. Maybe it is the warmth of his brown eyes as he tells you how special you are, or the way the sun rays perfectly hit his brown hair, but you can't help but believe him.

Once you are able to move into understanding on a deeper level, you find that Namjoon is one of the most sentimental, loyal people you've ever known. Namjoon's Venus is in Scorpio, meaning that despite any hurt he has experienced in the past, he is a true romantic at his core, looking for his one true love and willing to devote it all to that special person. The Scorpio is notably possessive in love, which serves to both frustrate and excite you in just the right ways. While your Libra moon may be naturally flirtatious, Namjoon is the one that holds your heart, and you enjoy being consumed by his love through song and writing - with his Mercury in Libra, you are likely to be his muse in all things creative. This is a pairing that can spend endless hours nestled in bed reading a book, bouncing ideas off of each other, and exploring each other's hearts before diving into the physical. You, Cancer, are the sexual initiator, wanting to know him body and soul - exposing him to an entirely new emotional plane of sexual connection. For the Virgo man, sex is often just another thing to be skilled at, and you are able to expose the innately vulnerable, emotional, and outwardly animalistic nature of his sexuality. The sexual relationship between these two is almost transcendent, with you taking the reins as the boss to show him the ropes, allowing him to unlock a different side to himself and learn how to please you. As someone who gets off to the idea of learning and achieving, expect marathon sessions in each other's arms (and mouths).

Ultimately, Namjoon is the member best able to bring you the stability you crave alongside an unwavering emotional commitment, with an earthly ability to firmly ground you when you are lost at sea. He will allow you to swim into your solitude - as you need from time to time - but you can rest easily that he will always be there when you are ready to return to reality. More than anything Namjoon is a provider, his mind working over time to help you solve your problems and achieve your dreams with his quintessential Virgo intelligence and flare, likely pushing you to pursue your creative ideas full-time instead of shying away from your potential and making sure you have everything to feel secure. You are someone who becomes a better person when in love, flourishing under others affection, and with Namjoon you have a special opportunity to truly come into yourself and achieve more than you ever imagined. Meanwhile, you provide a level of nurturing that he so deeply desires and a softness that he so desperately needs and few others can provide. In this partnership, you are the caretaker of the physical and emotional realm, while he is a provider in a more literal sense: making sure you have everything you need financially to create a sanctuary home base curated for the two of you to create and restore yourselves when the day is done. This is a duo that is steadfast and secure, prioritizing home and family and partnership over frivolity and spontaneity, appreciating travel and gallery openings abroad but also knowing how to take comfort at home with nights in and a vinyl on a record player. It is in this secure, stable lifestyle that you are both stimulating and fulfilled. Overall, this astrological pairing is comprised of two very synchronized and amenable plane, existing on a very calm, comforting foundation that is impossible to shake.

#bts #bts astrology #horoscope #bangtan #bangtan astrology #bts fic #cancer #virgo #libra #pisces #love #compatibility #creative writing #kim namjoon #min yoongi

[rureikia]

Chapter 4

[Previous] [Contents] [Soon...]

The start of high school was a very crucial milestone for me. Because not only did I have a crush on Kita, but I also got accepted to go to the same school like him too. 

Inarizaki High.

When I saw the magical letter of confirmation, my heart blossomed by a large magnitude.

I was so agitated with the thought of having three more years with Kita Shinsuke I thought I was beginning to see stars... I mean, for a young girl whose heart was fully set in stone for a celestial being like him, how could you not be awfully excited? It meant three more years of opportunities that I'd definitely not let go to waste, three more years of seeing his face! All the scenarios occurring in my head, in hopes that one day, these would come true...

I specifically remember on the day the letter arrived on how I was sprinting around the house to show mom and dad.

At the time, my parents didn't know why I was that happy over getting accepted since I used to be pretty distasteful about studying. But they quickly shifted it aside and congratulated me nevertheless.

It was like the scream painting. I can still draw out their faces in my head. Mom and dad were startled as they never expected me to have gotten into one of the top high schools in the prefecture — they ended up jumping along with me regardless of their previous doubts!

So on the first day of school, I marched out of my house in my new uniform, and a satisfied grin widely spread across my face.

The basic philosophy was to try and pass all exams, but the true aim for me was to find Kita Shinsuke, then ultimately confess to him. Next, he'd accept my confession and we would date, he then proposes, we get married, start a family ehehehe... Ah, I mustn't carry on or else I'll get too thoughtful...

But I was really excited (excitement lasted one-week maximum). I wanted to get to school pronto and see all the new people that would be circling me all through the next years. And so my determination was at its top game by then.

Whilst dusting my skirt and straightening it out, I closed my front door, but kept hold of my door handle to wait.

After a minute or two, from the opposite side of my street, I also heard someone else's door open.

I let go of my door handle, appearing as if I just came out of my house too.

In an instant, I knew who it was, hence why I gasped apprehensively to myself and thrashed around to look, "Ah, Kita!! Good morning!"

He sees me, adjusts his bag strap, and walks away without considering my call.

"Kita!" I called out again, assuming he didn't hear me the first time, "Wait for me!"

I was nearly about to run and go get him because he was already walking from a significant reach away. But just then, my mother abruptly forced the front door open with an annoyed scowl face before I had even managed to escape.

"(Y/N)! Why are you yelling so much in the morning? You sound like a stupid person, the neighbors will complain because of your loud mouth!" Her hands were on her hips, and she spoke to me in much vex.

I flashed a swift glimpse at Kita. 

Okay. He wasn't waiting for me.

Mom was still in the middle of scolding me, and I got impatient as she was suddenly like an obstacle I needed to overcome for me to catch up with fast-feet Kita Shinsuke.

"Yeah, yeah I'm in a hurry. Mom, let's talk later okay?" I replied in slight rashness.

"Excuse me? Why are you acting like that? If you are in such a hurry why are you still here? I don't understand!!" Mom grabbed my hand, throwing down 600 yen for lunch then shoved me away, "You forgot this too. Gosh... Who is this hopeless girl? I don't know her. Just leave now!"

Why must this old lady insult me so incredibly fast?

I halted to stare at the money in my palm and solemnly glanced back at her, "Wait, mom... This might not be enough for lunch..." I whined.

"Yes it is. Lunch is cheap there." She smacks my shoulder and I made another whine a tad louder at the impact, "Tsk, (Y/N) don't complain anymore. Just be grateful, have a good day, and go."

My shoulders grieved a bit but I went along with it, "OK thanks...Bye-bye..."

As soon as she closed the door on me, I left.

I tried my best to catch up with Kita who was walking by himself in the distance. And after seeing him in the same uniform as me, once again, I was unbearably excited to go approach him.

This was a period of time where I'd constantly be a hindrance to Kita. However, I didn't really take this into account until much much later.

Since I took interest in him during second-year middle school, that interest only developed from thereon. By the time it was third-year middle school, I full-blown liked him. And then at first-year high-school, it developed into something called puppy love.

Kita, he was rather laid-back about it. He didn't tell me to go away nor to stop talking to him — rather he would just let me do whatever whilst throwing cold logic at me whenever he feels the need to.

Well, I say that he's rather laid-back but in actuality, he'd try and evade me at times by ignoring the things I'd do. I was still childish and quite gullible, so I simply assumed he was bluffing to push me away and to hide his genuine feelings.

With that in mind, I remembered how back then I was wholly convinced that I could win him over in a jiffy. And this was entirely due to my mind being intoxicated from those all dramas, shoujo mangas, and anime's I watched in the past. Subsequently, I thought I owned a special power like no other, which was the power of love and commitment.

15-year-old me seriously believed that she would be able to do anything with the power of love deeply engraved in her soul. I basically believed I was the next generation's Sailor Moon...

For me to express my loyalty towards Kita, I revised everything needed for that entrance exam with extra diligence. And that was more than enough proof to show that the power of love really does work miracles. After all, because of my power, I was wearing the school's crest embedded on my blazer, the same one as whom I strived for.

"Kita good morning, hhh." I greeted breathily, speed-walking next to him.

He nods a response, "Morning."

I straightened my posture and smiled awkwardly at him by accident. Then I tried to strike up a conversation which was probably also accidentally awkward, "Kita don't you think this is such a coincidence? We will be going to the same school again this year. It's uh — it's a perfect match isn't it?"

He carries on walking forwards, without looking at me. "The entry requirements for Inarizaki must have lowered this year if that's the case."

I didn't know at the time, but this guy was totally degrading me here.

"Oh yes, that has happened. By a couple of points, it has lowered actually." I addressed with formality in my speech like some intellectual, "That means the God of fortune must be by my side, don't you think?"

Kita didn't reply and we walked in silence for a couple more seconds.

.......

"Uh......... Kita!" I called out.

The suddenness finally resulted in him shifting his head a little to peer at me.

"Kita, wait for a second." 

Kita listened for once, stopping in his tracks, glancing back at me.

When we were teenagers, he would experience my resilient pestering daily. This was additionally a section of life where relationships and emotions are new to everyone, especially for kids that were around that age — high-schoolers.

I can distinctly pick out the uncountable amounts of times where I'd loiter outside my house early in the morning just before he comes out. And when I hear his door open from across the street I would act as if I just came out too — "Kita, you just got ready now? Oh, what a coincidence, so have I."

There's also the case that would happen in school. I'd pack up all my belongings and shove it in my bag before the teacher dismissed the class. This was so I could have enough time to leave and walk home with Kita, "Another coincidence! I'm going to leave school too!"

"..." Eventually, I took a deep breath and gripped onto my bag straps that were wrapped around my shoulders tightly, building up the fury in my chest. Then studying around carefully I made sure no one was present before I took a few side-steps closer to him.

I don't know why I was such a shameless little girl back then. I have to admit that it's not very good to reminisce about my past, it hurts my dignity a lot.

But with the expression as if I was going to complete a huge quest, I confessed to him.

"I like you," I said.

Kita stared at me blankly for a second, then furrowed his eyebrows and told me, "I don't."

"..."

With that, my life advice is: do not read too much manga.

After the rejection, he blatantly left it at that and continued walking to school as if he forgot about it. I, on the other hand, felt extremely embarrassed and tried to think of what to do. My rational decision was to run off towards a different path like a coward.

Just as I was about to bolt, I nervously called out to Kita for the last time that morning, "I-I guess I'll see you later okay Kita?!"

He didn't acknowledge it since he didn't look back, but neither did I. And so we both departed ways.

Obviously, me being older now, I understand how I was unmistakably not as discreet as I presumed to be. I have been told by many friends that even an elephant wearing a shocking pink dress can do a better job at being discreet than me.

So I know now. Teenage Kita already could tell that I liked him for a very long time even before that terrible confession of mine. But oddly, he chose to not bother spilling to others regarding it, I still don't know to this day why.

As a child I was impatient, that's why I chose to confess on the actual first day of high-school. And that impatience lingered on for a while. I'm sure that this flaw caused me to be a nuisance to Kita Shinsuke; so he probably disliked that part, which is another thing I didn't think about until much later.

Later on, when I arrived at school, I experienced the worst sort of depressiveness where I felt my whole environment turn into a darkening abyss.

Outside the 1st year hallways, I examined the posters where it would tell us what class we would be assigned in.

KITA SHINSUKE: CLASS 7

Okay, that's very good!

(L/N) (Y/N): CLASS 2

That... I hate...

And so I dragged myself to Class 2 where a certain someone saw my dismal brooding.

"(L/N) why do you look like that? You look so miserable on your first day already?!" An enthusiastic voice called me out.

I gloomily averted my gaze up. It was my old friend, Taro.

Taro also went to the same middle school as me. And we became friends over the liking towards graphic novels — it was actually because of that interest of his, he wasn't very popular with the girls haha.

"...I'm not sad. I'm devastated." I sighed out in a daze.

He was eating bread, and talked with food still in his mouth, "Why?"

"Because I was put in a different class to what I think I really deserve. Don't you think the class rank system is a bit unfair?"

Taro snorted contemptuously and shook his head at my idea, "No not at all, you just want to be in the same class as Kita."

"Not so," I argued.

"Is so." He argued back with his head held higher, "(L/N), I don't know why you think this is unfair, you very much deserve it."

I glared at him in disapproval.

Then he proceeds, using the bread in his hand to gesture at me, "Whilst Kita has an IQ of at least 200, yours is way below in the negatives. So you're incredibly lucky that you weren't put in your true class. Class zero."

"Huh...? Class zero doesn't exist... What are you even saying?"

"You get to be in the same class as this intelligent guy instead!" Taro uses a spare hand to pat his chest, "Isn't that great (L/N)?!"

My face rapidly scrunched up in displeasure at those words and actions, "Uwah... Calling yourself intelligent. If you think that I have an IQ below the negatives, you will be the same as me since we're in the same class. Who do you think you are?"

"I am someone that at least has enough common sense to find someone not way out of my league, that's who I think I am."

I briefly grinned at him in annoyance and retaliated with a reply, "Go back to sit on your seat, leave me alone now."

He stifled a quiet laugh and did what I said with an effortless shrug.

I wasn't expecting to be put in class 2 to be honest. I would never expect myself in class 7 either. But I just wanted to be in the same class as Kita in hopes that we'd be deskmates for the following three years.

But as shown, that never happened.

Instead, I had to rely on my individual skills to be around him as much as I could.

I went straight to bed after last night and woke up with the worst possible headache that one could imagine. The headache was so bad in fact that I was concerned whether I had a type of brain disease and wasn't going to survive.

And the throbbing pain only attacked me once I groggily opened my eyes to see the sunshine which wasn't a good idea since I felt dizzy. So I had to cover my face with my duvets to stop any more light from stinging me.

I'm currently in pain right now, but I was quite okay when I was asleep and felt nothing. In fact, I underwent a type of sleep that was so deep, it confused my dreams towards real-life circumstances, making me rather delirious.

I opened my eyes again, reluctantly tossing around to squint at the ceiling fan, and tried hard to recall what happened yesterday.

From what I can accurately remember... I went to a goukon with Sumiko, I met some new people, I ate at least twenty dishes, I drank, I saw a handsome worker, I saw Kita with that handsome worker, I got frightened and quickly hid outside, but suddenly he was outside too(?!?!) so I was forced to talk with him for a minute before I went back inside, I drank some more and incidentally got drunk, I then remembered that he took me home because of how drunk I was......... And then, we kissed.

Oh yes, we k-i-s-s-e-d. Me and my ex-boyfriend.

And I was thinking about the kiss so much apparently I was given a dream about it too.

It was a dream akin to where I was with Kita. An altered memory of that same kiss replaying over and over again for what felt like hours on end. In that dream, we may have used a bit too much mouth work and tongue which isn't very good... Makes me feel quite abashed... Then I woke up with my cheek muscles feeling sore which additionally, isn't very good.

I rubbed my eyes sluggishly when lifting my torso from my bed to regain proper consciousness. I noticed was still wearing my work attire from yesterday, except I looked tenfold scruffier.

Did I fight someone while I was in the zone? Honestly, I'm so tired I didn't care about the context. So I'll just go back to sleep...

...Well, that's what I wanted until I heard a voice sing to me inside my head.

"If you remember... Call me."

"you remember... Call me."

"remember... Call me."

"Call me."

(GASP)

As expected from an unintentional flirt like Kita, his words woke me up.

I frantically attempted to roll out of bed but ended up falling flat on my back with a loud, painful thump. At the impact, I groaned, staggering to my feet and grabbing my phone that was on the top of my neatly folded work blazer by my chair.

Once I accomplished to scamper around like a bug, I turned it on to scroll to Kita's contact information and stared intensely at his name.

Me: "..."

No, I couldn't do it. I clicked on my friend Taro's contact information instead to procrastinate. And to my surprise, he picked up abnormally fast.

......

"Hello, good morning~!" Taro said in English appearing a bit too happy for my liking.

"Hey, it's me..." my hoarse morning voice croaked with a tired sigh at the end.

"Oh... Jesus Christ. That doesn't sound too good... What is it (L/N)? You sound a little dead." He said, "Did something happen last night?"

I nodded my head vigorously as if he could see me, but regretted when it made me feel woozy. "Yeah kinda... — wait, how did you know that something was going on last night?"

"Instagram aha. Well, Sumiko mainly."

"Eh...? Sumiko? Something must've happened with you two then." I scoffed, "Okay, tell me yours first. Go on."

"Alright, I'll be brief 'cuz I want to hear your story. But to summarise, Sumiko-chan broke up with me and she wanted to prove that she can find someone very quickly." He begins to explain, "I then checked Instagram last night to see some of the posts from the goukon you two were at."

Ah, their romance is a little confusing I should mention. This is probably the fourth time they "broke-up" this month.

To others, this might seem a bit neglective and unhealthy, but I know the most that these two care for each other strongly. Last night, I noticed that she didn't even bother flirting with any of the men. Instead, she talked with the women throughout the majority of the event.

I switched my phone from one ear to another, "So I've heard from herself that the two of you have broken up again. What's it this time? Did she get angry over something silly?" I asked, "Is that why she accepted the goukon invitation?"

"Pfft, obviously. Of course Sumiko got angry over something silly." He laughs, "But... She didn't run off like that to seriously break off with me. You know how she is. Sumiko just tried to prove me wrong in something because of how prideful she can be. Sometimes, she even has the same competitive energy as you."

I breathed out a chuckle, feeling a little more calmed down, "Impossible. I'm nothing like her when it comes to that sort of stuff. I'm not as confident."

"No way. I think you guys are definitely similar in that aspect. I've been with the two of you since high-school, I think I know the best." He affirms, and I shake my head at his claiming words, "Anyways, back to you. What's up (L/N)? Why'd you call?"

He reminded me why I wanted to call. And all of a sudden, I became remarkably hesitant. I was so hesitant actually I almost bit my tongue when opening my mouth to speak.

"Uh — Taro... You remember Kita, r-right?"

"Mhm, of course, yeah. Your ex-boyfriend, Mr. Perfect."

"Well... Me and Kita met last night..."

"Eh?! —" His tone jumps by four octaves in surprise, then deepens, "— Uh, Okay...?"

"And I wasn't really expecting him to be there..." I trailed.

Taro paused and inhaled sharply before filling words between our silent space, "(L/N), you're kind of scaring me now..."

Don't worry, I'm scaring myself too.

I swallowed the nervous saliva that built up as I struggled to speak, "And kinda...We maybe uh — kissed."

......

"WHAT?!" He loudly exclaimed. His side of the audio turned distorted and my eardrums burst.

"A-Ah yeah hahahaha..."

"LAST NIGHT?! Are you sure?! How come I didn't see him in any of the goukon posts though? Did Sumiko invite him purposely just to mess with you?! That's pure evil!! I'll scold her for you when she gets home... Wait unless... Are you guys back together then?! After three years, I thought you two would never be together ever again! But what the heck (L/N), you and Kita really kissed? What the actual fu-"

I can't do this anymore.

I hung up. His voice is quite annoying to listen to with a hangover like this. I'll let Taro try to figure out everything himself.

I scrolled through my contacts once more and attempted to call Sumiko but was immediately left on voicemail to my disappointment. So now, the only remaining person I wanted to call left was... Kita Shinsuke...

For some reason, when my finger hovered over his name it felt like I was being punished with the death penalty. And to make matters more nerve-wracking, once I clicked on his contact information, my hand was shaking whilst I raised my phone to my ear.

It took another couple of seconds, but his phone started ringing. Hearing the ring made me so scared to the point I shuddered and started pacing around my room.

......

Kita picked up and spoke first, "Hello?"

"Ah." I jolted.

Oh god, why did I make this phone call? I should have practiced what to say at the very least.

His voice stayed nonchalant, "(Y/N), what is it?"

Okay, I think I got something.

I stopped and took a whole two seconds to build up the confidence needed for the next thing I'm about to say.

Then, after a big breath, I began my rambling; "Okay Kita, listen here. I am very unhappy with you right now. You kissed me last night while I was drunk and you did it without my permission, it's not good to do that to someone in that state! Kita why? What on earth were you thinking?! Your actions were very wrong, and you need to think thoroughly about what you did, and you shouldn't do that to me again. In fact, you shouldn't do that to anyone!! Consent is very important to people, and if I was drunk you should haven't taken advantage! You're rather lucky that I am a nice person and that—"

He cuts me off, "(Y/N). Don't yell. I can hear you even if you speak normally."

I shut my mouth at his scold straight away and quietened by a significant volume, "Oh... Was I being too loud? Sorry about that... But still, you shouldn't interrupt so suddenly, I am trying to tell you something important..."

"You shouldn't be loud nonetheless, you'll feel light-headed if you have a hangover."

I was going to ramble again, but I had to stop myself when I sensed something peculiar in my environment.

Something wasn't right.

For a brief moment, I pressed my phone to my chest and silently glanced around as if trying to wait for an event to occur. When I became even more suspicious, I put my phone back to my ear, "Hold on, say something."

Kita, "Like what?"

I could hear two voices. Both unquestionably belonging to my ex-boyfriend. And to make matters worse, I also smelled something bad coming from outside my room. Hence why I hastily sped out of my room like a professional athlete.

The reason I could hear two different Kitas was because I saw him in my kitchen from the open living room. I panicked and ran straight there.

So it seemed that he really was in my apartment, therefore I wasn't experiencing complete hysteria. And he was also cooking something too (not a good sign), the phone still to his ear.

The only thing was, it smelled like pretty bad burning.

Fumes were coming out of my kitchen and I couldn't believe the fire alarm hadn't buzzed off violently by now.

I hurriedly ran inside my kitchen, my first animalistic instinct was to turn the stove off. My second animalistic instinct was to hold back this huge urge to do something to Kita. I really wanted to throw an object at him, maybe my cushion or my lamp because of what I had just witnessed.

For a man that is known to be good at everything, he doesn't seem to know a single damn thing about the kitchen, does he?

"Kita Shinsuke! What do you think you're doing?!" I exclaimed, taking the wok he grasped by the handle. I swear if I woke up any later my apartment would have fallen into a crisp.

He turned to look at me with the most innocent expression on his face, "You're up earlier than usual." He said, ignoring what he just did, "You used to sleep until 11 on weekends."

In return, I ignored his statement and stared at my precious wok, seeing charred eggs that were now an indescribable dark matter.

 I was using my index finger and thumb to carefully take it off, but it was stubbornly stuck to the material... It wasn't glamorous at all.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, this guy forgot to put oil and burned everything... Ahhhhhhhhhhh I'm going to have a mental breakdown now... My wok!!! He ruined this one-of-a-kind wok I ordered from Beijing!!

I crouched down and placed my wok on the kitchen's tiled floor. Then very aggressively, I was scratching the top of my head, showing my painful distress, "Kita, why did you try and make eggs without oil? I have taught you in the past that you must put oil when making stuff like this, did I not? And I don't understand why you're in my apartment either!"

"I couldn't find your oil, so I used water." He said with a perfectly straight face.

"..."

I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it since I had nothing to say. And at this moment I felt utterly incompetent. Hence why I was sitting down on my kitchen floor, wanting to collapse and go to sleep right on this spot.

I have come to understand that I cannot understand Kita Shinsuke.

He then continued, "Last night you told me that you didn't want me to leave. That's why I'm here."

I looked up at him with a frown, "No. You're lying."

"I'm not."

"How come I don't remember that and remember everything else?"

"Maybe you were drunk." Kita shrugs and cracks a teasingly small smile, "What do you remember then?"

That question was atrocious because I knew what he was hinting at. So I had to hold my voice down even though really wanted to wail aloud, "How... drunk was I?"

"Hm. Do you really not remember anything?" he asks, crouching down to pick up the messed up wok and rose back up.

I remembered the kiss, after that everything truly was a blur, I couldn't seem to recall anything. No matter how hard I try to think back, nothing comes into my mind. Therefore I needed to check myself again. 

What happened? Is there anything different about me?

I'm still wearing my work attire, however, the blazer I had on last night was not on me anymore, it's neatly folded on my chair, which Kita must have done. I'm not wearing my stockings either and my blouse was untucked too...

Oh.

That's when electricity struck me.

I stood up with great suspense, wrapping my arms around my torso protectively, "You... —You didn't do anything to me, did you? I remember this kiss, but you haven't done anything after, right...?"

Kita's brows pinch in irritation and he pushes my forehead back with his index finger where I made a sound of struggle at the action.

"(Y/N) are you dim? What is going inside that small brain of yours?"

"A-Ah! I'm just asking out of worry..." I said slouching back, finally relaxing a bit, "You don't have to speak to me like that..."

Kita puts the wok in my sink whilst I slumped, gave up, and decided to go to put some water in my kettle to make tea. When doing so, I asked him another question.

"Were you here all night then?"

"Yeah." He replied.

Why?

"You should have woken me up," I chided, "I had a spare futon you could have used."

He shook his head modestly, "Your couch is comfortable too, so I was okay."

"I see."

"But what about you, did you sleep fine?"

I took a mug out of my cupboard and exhaled a little, "I slept fine as well. My head kinda hurts, but there's medicine in the bathroom, so I'll leave to go take that and wash myself up soon."

"That's good."

There was a lot to process already, but I decided to push that away for now.

One of my main concerns however was what he said to me some moments ago.

Kita claims that I told him I didn't want him to leave, which is the reason why he stayed. And I began to question what I might have said to him exactly for him to do actually listen to that supposed request.

He was washing the wok he ruined as I was now heavily debating what to do by eyeing him every couple of seconds or so.

I felt quite conflicted. I hated to think about how Kita was utterly handsome during those stealthy glances I did.

His hair was messed up, his eyes were more doe than usual. He wasn't wearing his jacket or sweater from last night but was presently wearing his T-shirt and jeans... And we were both standing here. In my kitchen. Where I sensed no discomfort coming from his body language as mine was astonishingly rigid.

Still, despite my negative demeanor, I couldn't help but contemplate while making a cup of tea. This is where the inner-conflict comes into play. 

I didn't know whether to hug him from behind like what you'd see in the movies. Or maybe secretly stand up on my tiptoes and deliver him a kiss on the cheek, or carry on watching his concentrated side profile while crying really big, salty tears.

In the end, I just called out his name, "Kita. Your tea is here."

He didn't answer verbally, but nods.

I tapped Kita's shoulder this time, "It'll get cold, drink fast."

To that, he takes a short glimpse at me then goes back to washing my traditional Chinese wok, "I'll clean this up first. It won't take long."

Hmm, perhaps he feels bad for the mess he made and is trying to make up for it.

"Okay," I said, "If it gets cold, you can just reheat. I'm going to wash up now."

He nods again in reassurance, and I give him one last glance before getting out of the kitchen to grab stuff for the bathroom.

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