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#ive made little to no progress even tho ive worked so hard at it
medtech-mara · 9 months
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wiltkingart · 8 months
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Do you have any advice on how 2 not overwork a drawing? Over-detailing my art (to the detriment of the final result) is a big weakness of mine, and ive been working on it lately, but simplifying my art is way harder than I thought itd be. I keep getting stuck in a mentality that less detail = less effort, even though all my struggling should prove that isnt true lol. & I almost always like my simpler drawings better, even though that makes me feel kinda lazy…as long as it’s fun tho, right? [1/2]
I’m asking here bc one of the things I adore about your work is how confident and striking your paintings feel. I really admire the way colors and shape language interact in your art…I always want to keep looking to see what I can find hidden in the details, but they don’t take away from the main focus of the image. How do you manage to strike that balance? [2/2] (sorry for the long question lol)
honestly this is still something i struggle with at times! but some things that have helped me are:
- identifying which parts i tend to overwork the most. for me thats faces so i have made it a conscious habit to render faces last. that way i can match my level of face rendering to the rest of the piece.
- working on all parts of the painting at once. some artists are able to work on a painting from section to section. this is not me, regardless of detail level. jumping around all over the place keeps me from focusing too hard on one section above others. i even take this one step further by working on 2+ paintings simultaneously but there is something wrong with me for this one i'll admit.
- staying zoomed out for as long i can. this goes in hand with the previous point but when you're zoomed out its easier to lay down the biggest/primary color blocks without the temptation to detail. once the main color blocks are nicely balanced its easier to pick out a few points of interest to add spots of detail to, and restrain myself to them. (easier said than done! but i try!)
- getting comfortable with backtracking / deleting overworked sections and layers. this might seem scary but this has saved my ass more times than you might think. i always save a version of my drawings before i merge everything / start rending so i can always copy over earlier sections if needed.
- cold turkey removing details from the equation for a while. i did this more from necessity than choice, because i was struggling with my health a few years back and had zero energy to sink into art for long hours. but looking on the bright side it helped me realize what details are/aren't necessary and how to build my features from big -> small. this progression of my patho art shows pretty well how i introduced details back into my work over time.
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but yeah! sometimes i do still find myself creeping a little too close to overwork territory for comfort, even with all these safeguards in place. in that case i have to accept that not every piece i put out will be my 'best' and that perfection has no place in art. that's not the point of it!
simplifying forms isn't easy, the same way abstract art isn't lazy. but with all things it can be learned with enough practice. and if you decide at the end of it all that you still like drawing a lot details, it might be a matter of readjusting how / where you implement them. best of luck <3
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thejournallo · 4 months
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hey, i was wondering if you could help me out since im feeling a bit down atm :( so ive been trying to srsly shift for like 1.5 months now and i have made so much progress! i know that im supposed to live in my 4d but i just keep getting stuck by the 3d, i also struggle a lot with doubts :( sometimes i get thoughts that i won't ever be able to shift and that shifting isn't real and i won't ever live out my dr life(i'm shifting permanently) but sometimes i feel connected and close! i really want evidence that shifting is 100% real even tho ive got so close to it ik it is.. i don't do any methods and i no longer visualize as my subconsciousness already knows my dr, i affirm all the time as i think this is what works for me best. but i just can't feel disconnected from my 3d. it's so awful really i just want to be there but i keep getting doubts all the time it saddens me.. when i think of tomorrow i try to think of my dr but i keep getting thoughts of my 3d. i also listen to some strong subs but i just want to feel the connection already... for once in my life i want to persist in something until i get it and that will be the first of many more but sometimes i just wanna give up or think that it isnt real and all silly, i hate feeling like this. please give me some tips! i was thinking of doing the void method tonight but i just feel so lazy to do any method even the thought is so tiring but im srsly so overwhelmed atp i would really appreciate if you could help me.. have a nice day and thank you already!
HI! First things first, happy new year! I want to reassure you, because even though you started, you had great results in only one mouthful and a half without any method. You are more than capable of changing your mindset to not doubt yourself anymore! The CR will always be a place to come back, even when you shift permanently. It is hard to disconnect, especially when we have doubts on top of that. And let me tell you this: everyone doubts when they start something they are not perfect at, but if we are perfect at it, there is no joy in learning from it. me too. When I first started manifesting, I was so full of doubts to push aside, but I did it, and you can do it too!(even because I manifested this change of mindset.) I already wrote about some methods to disconnect from our 3D reality, and I hope they can help you even a little. If you don't resonate with any of the methods to shift, they seem tiring to you; don't do them. Why tire yourself because people tell you to use a method? That's no use and a waste of energy for you to use in trying again. You are powerful, and it is time that you use that power. I will love to hear again from you! In case you need help, I will be here!
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azpherambles · 1 year
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Feel like talking about art... I worry a lot that I've passed some kind of 'peak' in my art, not per se skillwise but productivity wise.
'I made a 65 page full colour full shading comic chapter and had it printed! Oh my god, I could never do that now', I think. But thankfully in this age I've seen this exact thing happen to so many artists slightly older than me... intense productivity in school, sudden drop in early 20's, figure shit out in late 20's. It makes sense, art was basically the only thing keeping me together for many of those productive years, and I was miserable.
And now, yeah, I'm back in a high stress environment, but this time I'm managing my own progress and am doing things I want to do on some level, that aren't art. Is it any wonder people go on massive hiatuses when theres no longer One Thing they want to do?
And well also. The classic. It is bonkers the amount of people I grew up admiring who crashed and burned in college and then get diagnosed with, well usually several things but especially ADHD. I'd like to think I'm "learning from other's """pitfalls"""" by nipping that revelation in the bud early (healthcare system tho... pls gimme anything... an appointment, maybe...) but I've been ruminating a long time on art advice and life advice and a lot of the time it's not possible to 'skip' on doing the 'wrong' thing.
So much art advice is like 'man i wish i learned anatomy or x thing when I was younger, so much time wasted' and yes it seems true in hindsight, learning anatomy is pivotal to my current art... but I think I had to *get* to a point art and well growing up wise where that was even something I could fully comprehend. Theres lots of things where, yeah, I'm sure sitting 12 year old me down and getting them excited about Bones and Muscles wasn't *impossible*, but there was like 100 mini lessons that have no names I had to learn first. It's like, a skill tree in a video game. You have to learn fireball I and II before great fireball IV or whatever. It's easy to say man, why didn't I learn Hard Thing sooner, I would have been so much better by now, when in order to be able for Hard Thing you had to learn all the smaller easier things it leads to. Going straight for the big guns isn't impossible, but you'll end up having to go backwards at some point. In fact I feel like that's what's happening to me now!
I'm like, why is my art shit conpared to a few years ago, why am I half-assing everything, and you know what I spent 5 years only doing full colour full shading stuff because that was The Inevitable Artistic Conclusion and doing Less would be Wasting My Time! And I think that was the right choice actually. *Because* it made me learn that thought process wasn't true.
Also ummm FFAK by kosmicdream who I am sheepishly not tagging basically rewrote my brain? A 6000+ and not even half finished comic drawn with maximum speed and not sweating the details? And its great? And at no point did I think the story was worse off for not being polished to 100% 'completion'? Preposterous!
Well, not really. Loads of comics are like that. I knew I didn't want to be like them. But hm, its a conscious choice now rather than a feeling of shame at not completing things. The reassurance that, it's okay to not finish things, and it's okay to do less in order to finish things. Balance. FFAK just really punched that lesson into my skull rather than the light jabs of comics I'd loved before. I can count the comics I read as a kid that actually *finished* on like, two hands max. I reevaluated, what do I want to be, perfect incompletion or finished imperfection. And chose both and neither because I'm a vile little contrarian.
Am I going to finish my comic? Finished doesn't exist, so no. Does that mean my tedious perfection is justified as long as the unfinished work is what I envisioned? Also no, because I am not the same person I was when I stopped lifting the pen and my idea of perfection is also always just out of reach. Also it's. A story. I want to tell it. Not look at it.
Like, just... do what you want. What you want will change, you can't put a box around it. But also develop discipline, because that box helps. It's always breaking and expanding and shrinking but the box has to be there. You have to try. But you won't succeed. And that's okay, because that's not the goal. It's a dance, not a house.
You might want to build a place to dance easier but you've gotta dance. And you suck at dancing but you love it. And if you don't love ot anymore, go work on the house until you want to again, and you'll think, why am I building this goddamn house instead of dancing, and you'll keep forgetting that the house exists to dance in. Then someday you come back off the scaffolding and realise, woah, holy shit, dancing here is going to be so much better.
And you think, why didn't I make the house like this in the first place? Well, because you only started building the house when you didn't want to dance, imagine if you made the house perfect, and then stopped liking dancing? Well you'd be me, you'd knock that house down, and you'd rebuild it all shit, because you didn't need the house to dance, you needed the process of building it. You can make that perfect house all the time, but you can only make a shit house once. No matter how you try, you're gonna figure out why the house is shit, and make it better.
And you'll say, why didn't I make this first before! I'm learning so much! And you'll remember why, it's because everyone said 'man, don't make a house like I made it. Look at my new house, its so much better, do that! I wasted so much time on the shit house!' But they didnt. They learned. You made their perfect house with no understanding of why it was perfect. You had to break it, to rebuild it, to retrace the steps, to learn.
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astralarachnid · 1 year
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feel like this year has been the hardest yet but also the happiest. it's easy to think back and remember the bad stuff but it's nice to dig through my journal and read abt good things ive forgotten.
got lots of progress i want to make in 2023. for my sake and my little family's
made a rlly cute post on fb/insta abt my dollie and how with two partners i feel like im building myself a home that i sorta never had, esp since i haven't talked to my mother for a year. we used to be a little family before her too. but things feel much more complete with her here now. it's like we found a piece to the puzzle we didn't know we were missing. and im so happy my bf agrees with me <3
looking forward makes me hopeful yet anxious. i remember going into therapy last time and my therapist telling me "no wonder you're so tired, you're working through a lot." it's hard trying to overcome your trauma. and trying to find ways to deal with behaviors/emotions you have always struggled with. but it's rlly rewarding and makes me feel really happy when i feel like i've figured something out. and both my partners have been so key to helping me figure things out. it's slow but it's progress.
and it was my first full year as me. on hrt (even tho my hormones were fucked for a bit) and i even legally changed my name this year.
the world scares me but my little family and my new friends ive made this year and my community make me feel so happy and loved and complete. i hope i can make even more progress in 2023. i am determined
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THANK YOOOOOU!!
Ya’ll just, thank you SO GODDAMN MUCH for your kofis, words of encouragement, support, and just like, generally everything. Ya’ll know who you are and what ya did xD And i super super appreciate it and just wanted to say so here as like, an update that while i’m still in Depressive Mode™, i’ve got the strength to fight (which like, really, i did not, and there’s def a difference) ♡ ♡ ♡ 
It’s been really fucking slow at work so much that I’ve had only two shifts a week the past 3 weeks (this week i have THREE shifts like wow work slow down there with the generosity >:| ....give me more hours bastards) and just like, I was able to take care of the overdraft on my bank account before they charged more fucking money for being poor for that, and i legitimately have been without hope (a lot of nonsense out of my control has happened this year despite meticulous planning and working my ass off... i feel that would break anyone down) but like i just can’t really properly articulate without sounding like one of those “with your support” tv jackasses (imo at least ahahhaa) how much ya’ll have helped me in whatever ways <3
Just like, every ‘small’ or ‘minor’ thing, i’ve definitely noticed and definitely appreciated. It all added up. I SUPER appreciate the kofis (I was barely paying my bills since they butchered our hours and i live paycheck to paycheck, so like that has MATTERED) and while i’m still trying to find a second and/or third job, my brain isn’t necessarily trying to kill my body while this body does its best, if that makes sense xD And not having to panic over getting that taken care of matters HUGE.
Anyways just like, thank you ♡ I can’t word it enough, but thank you.
#poisonjack jabbers#dont think i didn't notice the uncustomary reblogs and other stuff like its meant A LOT#i super appreciate those who dont normally comment too commenting on fic like everything has helped me a lot right now#i havent totally hit rock bottom and i am TERRIFIED of ever getting to a place like that again but thats the road i was on#i have been trying SO HARD and making progress on shit this year like being carefuk with money and paying down bills and everything#then the whole bullshit with my teeth happened earlier this year (or KEEPS happening even tho the dentist said i have good hygiene)#and just shit totally out of my control that made all the careful planning for naught and like no one likes being kicked when theyre down#so like... idk im not good at words if its not a story ahahha but just like you guys have HELPED and i need you to really know that#i have had multiple panic attacks this week after not having a single bad episode in probably months actually? so like... it was BAD#ive been having speech issues too and memory problems and waking up with horrific knots in my shoulders... sister said THATS STRESS DUDE#ive been fighting depression a long time but i havent had any extremes in about half a year? and the anxiety and panic disorder dont help#so just like... every little thing DID matter and all added up to a very big thing indeed and i think i can keep on goin :3#ayways... back to our regularly scheduled programming. i'm working on fic (still having mental trouble atm but its not as bad as it was)#and ill try to get other reblogged stuff up with tags and shit proper and keep up with that#on the flip side: you knows guy people/different types of jobs? ive got a LOT of fucking skills/certs/etc. but bartending aint paying bills#...i thought of listing what i can do and see if anyone knows what job i might qualify for?#i still live at home with my folks after moving back from japan and australia and my mom said she'd like if i could find a place next year#cost of living in california is too high but moving out of state the wages arent enough and hourly is literally killing me#supposedly im in good with a CEO at some recruiting firm already (idk how to do that job but theyll train me) but thats not for MONTHS#anywho.... i am applying for jobs left and right but you never know what someone might know. I didn't know recruiting was a thing ha!#this is a block of fucking tags but whatever thank you for letting me ramble into the void sometimes i need to to purge bad thoughts:)<3
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copperpieceharlot · 3 years
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Bud I’m sorry to swing into your inbox uninvited like this but my soul is having an OOTS renaissance thanks to your content in the tag and did you say Leverage AU
haha holy SHIT this got Long. but yes. i’ve been. Thinking. (also literally Never feel like you have to apologize for sending me messages. i was Hoping someone would ask me about this. now i have an Excuse to share EVERYTHING ive written abt it :3)
Obviously, Roy is the leader/brains of the outfit. He grew up having some Strong Opinions abt what’s Legal versus what’s Right due to tragic backstory involving the death of his little brother which was definitely SOMEONE’S fault for negligence but since there technically wasn’t any illegal behavior, there were no consequences for it. Also he’s still angry at his dad bc he thinks his dad is also partly culpable (and also also just a dick). He’s the Moral Backbone of the team (alongside Durkon, more on that later) in basically the same way Nate was in og Leverage. He’s actually not the best at figuring out what people want (that’s Haley and, shockingly, occasionally Elan), but once he has that info, he is the absolute best at figuring out the ideal plan of attack to use in any given case.
Haley is still a thief. I mean she maps to Parker almost PERFECTLY. Her dad was a thief & a conman, her mom wasn’t but knew about it and mostly accepted it, but she died tragically in a mugging gone wrong or smth, which made Ian crank the paranoia WAY up and taught Haley to do the same in the name of “safety”. Let’s keep the “Ian is in Trouble and Haley needs money, Fast” which is why she signs on to the first job in the first place. She’s less acrobatic than Parker, tending towards finding (or making) weak spots in security, but she can still make a tumble check when she needs to.
Elan is the grifter who is somehow an Idiot but also not???? It baffles everyone. When he’s playing a part for a con, he’s FLAWLESS, but then the rest of the time he’s just. No Thoughts Head Empty. He probably gets lured in initially because he’s decided to try his hand at being part of a full team, rather than the two-man cons he’s been running that invariably end w his partner conning him as well and stealing half of his take. Also he likes the idea of being Crime Friends. He’s that tweet where it’s like, Roy: “after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again” / Elan: [about to unveil his Crime Buddies Forever Friendship Quilt Puppets]: “never?”
Vaarsuvius is the hacker/gadget person. They have a Vaguely Snobby Yet Unidentifiable accent, dyed(?) purple hair (nobody has ever seen their roots) and nobody knows who they “really” are or where they came from, but they’re good at what they do so everyone just accepts the mystery. They probably got suckered into the team by their initial employer (who I’ll get to Eventually, lol) framing it as a challenge to their intellect, like, “oh, I see, you’re not smart enough to make this team work for you...” to which they were like Fucking Watch Me and also melted his computer. Anyways. They are joined (digitally) by their Intrepid Friend And Co-Conspirator (his words, not theirs), a fellow hacker known only as Blackwing, or, on certain forums, Blackwing_Bird. (In the first season, V only occasionally references him when saying they’re “calling in extra help” or smth for a particularly complex hack job. He starts showing up a little more in s2 and eventually by the start of s4 is a regular & established presence, but only appears as actions in a computer interface or output.) Elan is convinced he’s an AI, Belkar doesn’t think he actually exists, Haley pretends she doesn’t think he exists, and Durkon and Roy try not to think about it too hard, as long as B and V still get the job done.
Belkar is the hitter. He is on the team bc their initial employer got him out of jail for it. He doesn’t have a tragic backstory, he just likes doing violent crimes. As the series progresses, he grows some empathy & stuff, but really only for people who actually deserve it. Assholes still get decked. It’s all very touching. (Also he has dwarfism caused by achondroplasia. It doesn’t actually bother him and is useful in fights bc his opponents frequently have no fucking clue how to approach him, but he likes Pretending to take offense at stupid things just to see how far he can go with it.)
Aaaand last but not least, Durkon is the least involved member of the team. He’s actually a career criminal and Roy’s mentor, and wasn’t a member of the initial team that [redacted, I’ll tell you later, PROMISE] put together for a couple of reasons, the main one being that he’s Officially retired in order to spend more time with his family, which consists of his mom, his friend (not girlfriend) Hilgya, baby Kudzu, and a truly stunning number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Roy frequently calls or visits him for advice and he Occasionally shows up to help out on local jobs, but generally he avoids doing crime if he can (as part of a deal with Hilgya, who is also a career criminal; basically, they’ve both cut back on the crime in order to provide a more stable home environment for Kudzu. But sometimes, you gotta do a little crime, and in those cases, Sigdi enjoys spending time w her grandson.)
NOW. THE BIG REVEAL YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Who got the team together in the first place?!
The answer: Lord Shojo (or whatever Normal Person Name you want to assign him). Now this is where it gets tricky: he had them do a thing that they thought was good, THEN they thought it was BAD, but then when they confronted him he revealed that it Appearing to be bad was actually a test of character and would they consider working as basically internal investigators for him? But then he had a heart attack, so, rip. But THEN it turned out that he’d left them a bunch of money anyway and they were all feeling kind of Inspired so they formed the Order of the Stick, LLC (which, no, i am not coming up with a new name, actually, because I just don’t care. someone else can come up w a justification for that name, tho, i’m sure it’s possible). Also Miko was there and was unhappy abt their actions, and also their general existence.
Moving on. Villains!
Redcloak is the Sterling replacement, because that DEEPLY amuses me.
Xykon is a season-long main villain, probably one that Redcloak finds himself working for but then “teams up with” (read: blackmails) the Order to bring him down bc even Redcloak finds Xykon distasteful. That’s season 3, let’s say.
Tarquin is another season villain, say season 2. Nale probably shows up pretty early in s1, actually, as another recurring antagonist like Sterling but uh. Less good at it. Anyways the s2 final 3 eps deal with them (accidentally) discovering that Tarquin runs some Evil Empire Company, then trying to outplay him and take him down. Idk if Nale still dies in this version tbh.
Tsukiko is a one-off s1 villain who returns briefly in s4 alongside Miko, who has gone well and truly off the rails.
Season 1 finale has to do w Roy finally getting Vengeance for his little brother.
The vampire squad is the s4 finale villain who do smth terrible to Durkon and then get the Mother Of All Revenge served up to them by the Order.
I envision the show as being 5 seasons (like og Leverage) but I’m not going to sketch out s5 because I think it should be based off whatever happens in the current story arc, possibly involving some legacy of the OotSquiggle.
Other stuff!
The Order of the Squiggle is a legendary criminal team from the 60s who stole a BUNCH of famous shit & then proceeded to legendarily implode. This has no bearing on the plot I’ve sketched out, I just think it’s fun.
The Sapphire Guard members should probably be reworked as FBI. I don’t care about most of them but I do think that Lien and O-Chul could be like, FBI agents who Choose to look the other way while the Order does their very-much-not-legal-but-still-fair Justice Crime, and maybe even help them out on occasion.
So, the Final season-by-season outline, based on everything I’ve written so far:
s1 e1: getting the team together, doing a con for Shojo, then at the end he dies and the gang is like “dang what now?" and intend to split up except then they Don’t.
mid-s1: Nale shows up and tries to trick the Order, but then gets beat like a drum.
late s1: Tsukiko is an underling of the Villain Of The Week, winds up in police custody. But She’ll Be Back.
s1 finale: Roy’s Vengeance: The Vengeaning. also we meet Redcloak as an antagonist.
s2 e1: the truth abt Haley’s father comes out
early s2: The Two Live Crews Job but it’s the Order vs the Linear Guild and the Linear Guild ARE all bad guys.
mid-s2: Redcloak returns. ugh.
late s2: the sapphire guard FBI makes its first appearance, hello O-Chul and Lien.
s2 pre-finale: once again they’re in conflict w Nale over smth, he spends the whole episodes making Cryptic Remarks, they basically beat him (like a drum!) but then the stinger at the end is that Tarquin reveals himself and Elan is like “Dad?!”, roll credits.
s2 finale, part 1: Elan is hanging out w Tarquin bc he’s DEEP in Denial, the Rest of the team tries to take Tarquin down, but it doesn’t work.
s2 finale, part 2: Elan finally gets a clue and they manage to beat Tarquin. still haven’t decided if Nale dies or not, but I’m leaning towards yes. also they rescue Haley’s dad.
s3 e1: fuck dude idk.
early s3: Redcloak shows up, AGAIN, everyone groans. he has blackmail on them, he wants them to take Xykon down.
mid s3: The Rashomon Job but it’s about stealing the Talisman of Dorukan and it turns out that Nale was there too (“oh!” Elan says. “I was wondering why I looked so weird in all those mirrors! But it wasn’t my reflection, it was Nale’s!” “Sweetie, that wasn’t Nale’s reflection,” says Haley. “Huh,” says Elan, “so the mirrors were broken?”, cue eye rolling from everyone else.), and the Successful thief was Hilgya, who’d nabbed it from the owner before it even went on display.
s3 finale: they beat Xykon, actually factually, because he deserves to get his ass Thoroughly kicked, even if only in AU form. Lien and O-Chul are there, so are some other less helpful FBI people. There’s a bit where O-Chul Exact Wordses his way out of telling his superiors about the Order’s less legal activities without technically lying. King shit.
s4 e1: doesn’t really matter. maybe smth to do w some legacy of Tarquin’s company to set up the drama w Malack & Durkon later.
early s4: Durkon gets SENT TO PRISON. Malack approaches the Order abt this because sure they have Different Ethics but they’re still Friends. (Roy is surprised and a little hurt that he’s never heard of Malack, but he ignores that in favor of Let’s Get Whatever Fuckers Did This To Our Friend.)
immediately after that: Miko and Tsukiko return as a Team, preventing the Order from working on the Durkon situation
mid s4: Redcloak makes another unexpected & unwelcome appearance but he’s maybe a little less of a dick? the Order collaborates with Malack & his Crime Buddies (hello, Vector Legion) to pull one over on him tho, because “less of a dick” does not mean “a pleasant or decent person”, and also he was mean abt Durkon being in jail, so he totally deserved it. he still gets whatever he wanted tho, just takes a blow to his pride. also prevents the Order from helping Durkon. they’re having a LOT of setbacks wonder why that could be, not to make sure the season fills its whole length or anything, no sirree
s4 finale: something something taking down the organization, headed by Hel (yes that’s her real name), which framed Durkon for their Big Crime. Durkon goes free and Extra Firmly retires, For Good, He Swears, but says he “met someone new” who might be an asset.
s5 e1: minrah joins the team! and the episode is set in like, somewhere really snowy. that’s all i got.
the rest of s5: don’t know, don’t care, it’s open-ended until the comic finishes up.
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loopy-froots · 3 years
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Introduction Post! (TW: SA, PTSD, etc.)
Hello slasher fandom! I’m fairly new to this side of tumblr, so forgive me if I don’t understand how all this works yet! I just thought I’d introduce myself because I’ve already posted drawings and fanfiction writings so far, but maybe some of you want to know who’s behind it? If not that’s totally fine, just keep scrolling! But if you’re curious, keep reading! Btw! I’d love to get to know any of you as well, so feel free so say hi! :^]
Facts about me:
I go by the name Donn on this blog (for safety reasons I won’t be sharing my actual or preferred name anywhere on this blog, sorry!)
I chose the name Donn because of the name coming from the Celtic god of dead souls (I’m a Celtic witch by blood so I thought it’d be fitting)
My preferred pronouns when I write are she/they (leaning towards she atm because of some personal issues I deal with irl, but irl I prefer they/them more strictly… does that make any sense?)
Anyways, I’m 18+ and I very much prefer my viewers to be 18+ ONLY because of the NSFW content I post… and I also don’t want to influence anyone that impressionable cuz I have a kinda fucked up mindset atm…
But I hope that’s alright! I know kids will do what they want, and there’s not always much we can do to stop it, but please just be respectful of my wishes and DNI!
I have severe PTSD from many irl traumas that have happened to me throughout my life, and I currently live in an kind of abusive household, so my mental health has not been good…
That’s partially why I started drawing and writing fandom stuff cuz it’s currently what’s keeping me going!
I have diagnosed Adhd, but I take meds for it and am doing slightly better with my productivity! That’s why I’ve been able to crank out as much content as I have in the past few days!
I have undiagnosed autism, but it’s a work in progress cuz I’m like pretty sure I am autistic (for many reasons, the more you get the know me the more obvious it’ll get)
I am disabled in many ways: chronic physical and mental pain/illnesses, hard of hearing, etc.
I’m extremely liberal so DNI if you’re gonna be a bigot or anything cuz I will block you!
I have a partner (Who does not know about this blog yet cuz I’m v shy about sharing this kinda stuff with the people I love… partially cuz of my trauma from past relationships)
Ive suffered from THREE separate abusive romantic relationships… all of which kinda fucked with my head… so forgive my insecurities and everything! (I’m working on it tho!) but this partner I’m currently with is AMAZING AND LOVING so I’m v happy with them!
TW! I’m a S/A survivor, and it was by a friend I trusted, so I get very skittish by people irl because of the betrayal… but I find it easier to get to know people online cuz it’s not as traumatic imo
As you can see, I overshare EVERYTHING for literally no reason… like it just gushes out of me without me being able to stop it… Sorry if you’re unhappy with it! Feel free to block me if it bothers you!
I am currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist!! They both help me a lot with functioning as a normal person (even tho there’s no real such thing as a “normal” person imo, but it helps me survive in the society I live in)
I used to be goth, but now I’m forever torn between being goth again or being a cottagecore lesbian lol (I usually dress femme even tho my brain makes me feel like a boy a lot of the time…?)
I am extremely bisexual! Like holy shit! How come everyone is so hot?? Lol but seriously, I go all ways (I know some people say that’d make me pan but I prefer the term bisexual over being pan)
I used to be a little, but I’m not anymore because too many people took advantage of me when I was in my little mindset… I don’t let myself regress anymore unless I’m absolutely alone, but that’s rarely ever (my little age was around 10 btw)
I am extremely sensitive and am an empath! I feel my emotions EXTREMLY STRONG so I overreact to everything, am very passionate about the things I’m in love with, and cry at any given moment! I cannot and will not help it! I’ve been told too many times that I’m too sensitive and that I’m a crybaby and that my heart is too big for my body, but I don’t care anymore! Im refusing to see this as anything but a blessing for now on! Sensitive bitches are the baddest bitches lol
I used to get lots of hallucinations/psychosis, but I take meds for it and am now much better and less paranoid!
I still get paranoid about social situations tho for time to time, as im a very insecure person :(
Im a switch/power bottom! I like to be dominant on occasion, but I prefer to be a bratty sub most of the time!
I am a collector of taxidermy things!! I have several insects on my walls, as well as animal paw jewelry! If you don’t like it that’s alright! Just don’t tell me cuz I will block you! I make sure all my collection items are from humane sources and all the animals die naturally in the wild!
I am a HARDCORE clown/masked person fan… like clowns are sooo gay and sexy like why must you jingle jangle your lil clown bells when you dance like that??😩 and masked persons are just so mysterious and sexy omg
Cicero fro Skyrim was literally my clown sexual awakening… murder clown man… with a squeaky voice… yes… must have!
My first sexual awakening tho was probably Danny Phantom (Which is sooo funny cuz my partner actually named themself after him… coincidence? I think not! God does have a plan! Lol jk… unless?🥺👉🏻👈🏻)
Yes, I use the 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 emojis unironically… no, I’m not proud of it😔
HMU if you relate to any of this or just want to be friends! I’m literally so desperate for friends cuz my old roommate made me cut ties with them and then they spread rumors about me to all my other friends until no one would talk to me anymore… :( so I’m v lonely run…
But anyways, yeah that’s basically me… a huge mess but I’m on my way to getting better I guess…?
If you’re still reading all of this, THANK YOU KIND BEING! You are unlike any other…🥺❤️
Okay bye loves!
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1990jeevas · 3 years
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1, 8 for the writing asks?
1) Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?
okay so ig i have four current projects rn? technically more but i only really count em if i plan on posting the wip soon or they're chaptered fics ig 🤷‍♀️ if its apart of a series of mine then really i dont call it current unless ive already started a draft for the next part, i sideline my series' constantly bc most of the fics are fine to read by themselves anyways uhmmm lol moving on, a mini run down of my current projects:
mellodramattic fic: chaptered piece about mello and matt's relationship thru the years, probably gonna turn it into a series once i finish the main piece bc there's definetly ideas i wanna include that I probably cant in the main story. progress on it is fine ig, I have the next chapter mostly drafted (by hand, i need to type it still) i just update really slow bc it's an old hyperfixation of mine so i really only get bursts of motivation for it every like 3-5 months, sometimes longer. i just really enjoy writing this one bc i can basically make up whatever i want about the characters bc there is very little actual canon material for them and, as a matt kinnie, i have a very specific vision of their lives that ive always wanted to e riu te about and i finally started doing that with this fic. there's a few chapters on ao3 rn, but they arent stellar bc it's old writing lmao. ill link it (and any of these other fics i mention) if anyone asks
bnha chat fic: a mess, has 16 chapters rn, it's a lot of chaos ft a side of me projecting. it has slow updates now bc im out of my bnha hyperfixation, but i still love writing this fic, even if i regret some of my past writing decisions with it. next 2 chapters are half drafted, but idk when ill actually get em out. it's been 8 months since i last updated anyways, so whatever. one of the chapters is chat, the other is actual writing bc ig this fic is technically like a combination of chat and regular fic, but it's mostly chat so 🤷‍♀️
karlnapity wip: i started this fic 6 months ago and just recently started working on it again?? i plan to upload it in the near future but also idk if that will actually happen bc im not actually invested in either karl or sapnaps lore which makes me very uninvested in writing this fic lmao. the wip is kinda banger tho imo, very angsty but it has comfort so its okay.
it chat fic: i know vaguely what i wanna do with the next chapter but i havent uploaded for this bitch in so long its criminal. it's literally just a modern au losers club chat fic, everybody's gay, streddie are in love and that's really the only reason im writing it, plus i made stozier have tiktok clout which i think is too funny of an idea to drop, sue me. also it's a stranger things crossover, but only bc i wanted to make richie and mike twins bc i read a different crossover fic that did the same thing right before writing this and i was brainrotting the fic too hard not to include this twin shit in my own. im unoriginal, what can i say.
8) Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?
generally, yes, though i think i write more angst than i tend to read? i wouldnt call myself an angst writer at all, but i tend to project and i really like writing emotional spirals or trauma related stuff bc ooooh coping mechanisms babey but it's always paired with comfort whether its immediate or eventual. i also write more chat fics than i read, mostly bc it's a good way for me to write about a hyperfixation without actually having to have good ideas or be very dedicated to the piece, especially bc i hate not finishing chaptered fics, but i tend to do it a lot when i lose a hyperfixation (for example, i have had a 1/? fic in my works for like a year, maybe two, now all bc i stopped hyperfixating on bnha like a week or two after that, and bc it was Real Writing i havent had the energy to update it, meanwhile ive updated the bnha chat fic a few times since losing that hyperfixation bc it's very low effort content) idk i think most of it's the same typa content in the end tho
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dracosearlgreytea · 4 years
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indelicate marks (11)
indelicate marks: chapter eleven - the accusation 
A/N: aaa okay so heres the next chapter! ive been lowkey stressed about posting this chapter as it took a lot to write, but i hope you enjoy it.. thank you so so so much for the increased support from everyone, if i havent replied to a comment dw i do read them! they literally transform my day no matter how i feel, so yeah just thank you. lotsa love - ivy 
warnings: language, strong descriptions of ptsd/reliving bad memories, graphic descriptions of deep cuts and bleeding
lovely tags: @h-annahayy @okaydraco @fanficflaneuse @thatoneasrastan @biinspiration @honeymelon22
indelicate marks index 
January and February, after the first meeting of the year, passed by quiet. Draco's state was getting worse. Every time you'd see him, even when you'd met twice a week, something about him was growing... darker. Sometimes it wasn't just the bags under his eyes, or the sharpness of his cheekbones. Sometimes it was the way his tone never lifted out of the monotonous state he tended to abandon around you. Sometimes it was the way he could hardly hold a conversation, or the anxiety would overwhelm him and you'd have to sit with him tucked into your chest, praying that his breathing would settle soon. But, somehow, within the misery that hung over the two of you, you also managed to find the friend you had waited so long for. Draco was funny. Dry, and witty, and frustratingly funny. The things that he'd say as a passing comment could make you double over in laughter. You'd always find his lips shooting up into that wicked grin you'd grown to adore. That smile was something you'd find few and far between, and its rarity only settled it closer to your heart. He was smart, too - a lot less stupid that he made himself out to be. Draco could easily give Granger a run for her money, if he wanted to. He had a secret passion for Muggle literature. Something, which you found out totally by mistake  - and continued to bring up at any given opportunity just to annoy him. To your utter shock, Draco also played piano. He'd described an organ, back in Malfoy Manor. His parents would usually enchant to play by itself - but, his mother had still taken it upon herself to teach him how to play it when he was a child. The insights he offered you into his life were quite frankly fascinating. It was still odd. The dynamic between you was never quite settled; impermanent. There were little things you found yourself holding onto. Like his smile, or the way he frowned when he listened to you talk, as though he was really focusing on your words.   Since your realisation at the beginning of the year, your affections for Draco had only grown. Most of the time, you'd manage to ignore it, only swallowing back the flutters in your chest. Because there was no way you could fancy Draco Malfoy. There was no way he would ever reciprocate, and there was no way it could ever work between you even if he did. And, it was nice. Being friends with someone. You could cope with the darkness he carried. You could cope with pushing away any indication of your developing attachment to him. Having someone to talk to, to even just be around - complicated or not - was a privilege you had never had. But, as much as you attempted to ignore it, the tension at Hogwarts was also getting a lot worse. Trying not to think about what would happen when you had to return home at the end of the year was difficult. Even the idea of having that mark on your arm was sickening. You didn't even want to acknowledge the fact that to take it, you would have to expose the mark that already sat on your forearm. Most likely, to the Dark Lord himself. The glares got worse. The comments got more threatening. Walking the corridors was not safe for you. Not when your parents had killed so many families of the students around you. It hadn't exactly been before, but now, with that suffocating atmosphere, it had only gotten worse. Keeping a firm grip on your wand at all times was second nature, at this point. You had been on your way to a meeting with Draco when your fears became too real. The feeling of someone following you had been tugging at your conscious for most of the day. But then, most people were watching you, anyway, eyes lingering on you in every hall or classroom you passed through. So, you'd only shrugged it off as your paranoia overreacting. It was still light. With winter beginning to pass, the nights were growing shorter. Weekly trips to the classroom were no longer spent in the dark, much to your appreciation. Just as you reached the last staircase leading to the third floor, it jumped into action. It swung away from your destination, and you ground your teeth, hanging onto the railings. Again, you only passed your mistake off as a busy mind - until you glanced behind you. The previous staircase had also moved. A distinct dread began to poison your gut. With the piece of staircase behind you gone, your only choice was to progress onto wherever this one would take you. You swallowed, staring up as the stairs docked. It lead onto a one-way corridor, a piece of the castle that was rarely used, and a quiver ran over your hand as you wrapped your fingers around your wand. Slipping it from your back pocket, you finally shifted. Someone wanted you in that corridor. Someone wanted you cornered. The second you stepped off of the stairs, it jolted away from you, only confirming your assumption. Stranded in the corridor, the lack of windows cast an eerie shadow down its length. There was only two classrooms coming off the sides, and one at the end - most likely locked, with a spell more powerful than 'alohamora' would fix. Edging forwards, you flung your eyes around you. Your heart was thudding dangerously in your chest - it was currently dinner. No one would be around to help if something happened, assuming anyone would help you. Draco was unlikely to come searching for you if you turned up late, waiting on the opposite side of the moving staircases. You only hoped you could reach the stairs before something bad could happen to you. Pausing, your eyes met the end doorway. It was ajar. You pressed yourself against the wall as you shifted closer - the opening only offered to show you a slice of darkness within. Someone could be, however, waiting for you inside. Hoping your curiosity would get the better of you. Preparing to jump you. Setting your wand upright and poised, you lifted your hand, before shoving the door open. Only, before you could get a glimpse inside, it had slammed shut in your face. You stumbled back a couple steps, true panic setting in. "Was it you?" A voice came from behind you. You'd walked straight into a trap. Taking in a shuddering breath, you spun to face the voice. A flicker of your brow, and you stared at the figure blocking the end of the corridor. "Potter?" He had emerged from one of the classrooms either side of you, wand clenched in his fist and eyes hard. Stupid, you're so stupid, you should have checked. "Was it you, Y/N?" Harry repeated, watching you with an unpredictable atmosphere to him. "Did you curse the necklace?" It took a second for any words to form on your lips. Your mind was going to into overdrive. Harry would not hurt you intentionally, you knew that much - he wasn't that type of person. But what he could do unintentionally... "I don't know what you're talking about." You said. Attempting to appeal to whatever friendship you'd had last year, you kept your voice as clear and honest as you could. Harry, however, did not shift. "It was you, or Malfoy." His voice lilted with questioning, and your jaw tightened. You had to remind yourself to keep breathing, act natural, even at the mention of Draco. Shit, what the fuck has Draco been doing? I know it's bad - it's the Dark Lord - but Merlin, if Harry is involved... "I said," You forced an eyebrow up at Harry in emphasis. "I don't know what you're talking about." Voice gruff, relief flooded through you. You'd managed to keep your composition. There was a million scenarios involving Draco running through your mind, and you bit back a shudder. "Then prove you're not one of them." Shit. Harry had gestured to your arm with his wand. You grew rigid in terror, a shaking whisper falling from your lips before you could swallow it back. "What?" "Show me your arm, and prove to me you're not a Deatheater." Harry said, voice a lot more forceful than before. No, no. No, this can't be happening - he wouldn't - he can't - "I don't have to prove anything to you, Potter." You spat - but there was no denying the quiver in your words. Sickness curling in the pit of your stomach, you clutched your wand, scrutinising Harry's every little movement. He shifted. It was so, so slight. Maybe he was moving towards you, maybe he was only adjusting his stance. It didn't matter, because before you could think, you raised your wand and shouted the first thing that came to mind. "Stupify-" "Expelliarmus!" You could only watch in utter horror as your wand flew through the air and clattered to the ground. All the way at the other end of the corridor. Behind Harry. No, no, no- You couldn't move. Frozen. It was as though you were in that cupboard again. Crushed against the wall, watching as two boys enchanted a blade and laughed at the way you choked for breath. "It's okay, Deatheater. You're going to get your mark soon." Harry was moving towards you now. You stumbled, falling back against the door, hands coming to press down on the handle. Locked. No escape. Breathing frantic, you could only stare at Harry with wide, angry eyes. You didn't speak as he grabbed your left arm, pulling it out in front of you. No, you didn't even struggle. You were still in that fucking broom cupboard. Harry's fingers burnt horribly against your skin, pushing up your sleeve. His eyes lingered on you as he did so, long enough to make your skin crawl. Then, he looked down. It burnt. Burnt, as though Harry had struck a match and put it to your flesh. He came to stare at you again, falling a few strides away from you as you snatched your arm back to your chest. You wanted to shout - no, scream at him, but you could do nothing but hold in the gasps of pain. Harry hadn't seen the blood. He hadn't seen the way the cuts had began to tear open, slowly. Excruciatingly. "Get the fuck away from me." It was hardly a whisper - more some inhuman, animalistic snarl. It was all you could manage. The flames were growing hotter and hotter and you'd forgotten how to breath. My wand. I need my wand. "Y/N - I'm so sorry - I-" "Go!" Something in Harry managed to click, seeing your contorted expression. With one last, horrified look, he turned and rushed away, the stairs swinging back to greet him as he did. The second he was out of sight, you let out a shuddering breath, daring a glance down to the state of your arm. Blood was already spilling down your fingers. It seeped into the fabric of your shirt, like the sea lapping at the shore - but bloodier, and a lot more sickening. "How does it feel to bleed, Deatheater? I bet you're fucking enjoying it, you sicko, just like your parents did." An involuntary whimper escaped you, unable to contain it with your mind so hazy from panic and pain. Agony was lacing its way up your arm and through your entire body, and you had to remind yourself - your wand. I need my wand. Staggering forward, you focused your gaze on your wand at the end of the corridor. Blood was spilling steadily onto floor, staining your shirt, but you refused to acknowledge it. Groans escaped your throat, scalding pain cutting deeper and deeper into your skin. Feeling the liquid thick on your hands, you, almost instinctively, gave it another look. Your entire sleeve was coated in red. An overwhelming nausea hit your gut. Falling against the wall, you desperately attempted to get your breath, but it only came in short pants. You'd barely made it halfway down the corridor. Harry had taken too long to leave, given the cuts too much time to reopen before the worst kicked in. Last time, with Draco, the reaction had been quick and easy. This time, you were alone, and wandless. Head spinning, you attempted to choke down a deep breath, and pushed forward. Everything was starting to blur a little, your head a spinning mess of thoughts. You couldn't focus. Tired. You felt so tired. You were close. You were so close to grabbing your wand, hands slick with blood as you stretched out your arm, shaking. Another step - a stumble. Your entire body crashed to floor. There was a terrible, harsh blow to the side of your head. Your ears filled with a high buzzing, sight wavering as you stared from your wand only inches away from you, to your left arm. Ten letters, red and clear. Tears rolled down your cheeks, but you didn't recognise them. It hurt, it hurt so bad, you couldn't think, couldn't breath. It was all a blur, really. A blur of torments and whispers. A blur of blade against skin. "Deatheater." "Y/N? Y/N-"
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pizzahutchan124 · 3 years
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Do you see this pic? I Took it on the 3rd of April to show that I've been saving money since last year. I only recently cashed that in two weeks from today. It came out to $106 subtotal.
I would've updated abour this earlier but.... truth be told I'm dipping my toes into plenty of lakes, rivers, ponds and oceans with seemingly little to show for it at the moment. I'm running an art blog now, and I'm building both a financial and artistic portfolio. I'm getting tons of leads on job opportunities in both social services and backstage tech work, which means I gotta revise my resume to fit the position titles as well as follow up with the respective hiring staff. My extended family is always checking up on me, making sure me and the folks I live with are ok (they're all sweet like that.) Ultimately I would like to craft and create more art, whether that be in writing, yarn crafting, sewing, woodworking or experimenting with traditional and digital drawing. Of course, that means I have to renovate my space so that it flows with a creative and productive atmosphere while maintaining a cozy yet friendly living environment for me and my loved ones.
You dunno what that means? Yea, neither do I. I'm figuring it out as I go, but it gets hard when the people closest to you want results NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Otherwise you're a fookin lazy good-fer-nothing, haha. I got so many irons on the fire right now it's not even funny....
On top of all of that, I dont know what to do with this blog. Ive been doing research here & there and the people in the big leagues say that you gotta stick with ONE topic and/or interest so that not only your blog remains consistent, but your followers know what to expect from you thus remaining engaged on your platform. That's some quality advice for growing a wider audience, but heres the thing- I can't be asked to just dwindle down my posts towards a single topic. Maybe that worked for my ancestors in the past but I'm lucky enough to live in a First world country that encourages free thinking provided that it doesnt limit anyone elses liberties. This is a space where I can explore multiple options, opinions, pathways and idealogies, even the shitty ones if I were as bold as I used to be. In short .....
I AM A MULTI-FACETED HUMAN BEEEEEEEAN.
I used to be a self proclaimed potato; however, things change with time. So do people- we become remixes of what we used to be. Sometimes we become better people for it. Sometimes we don't. And that's ok, so long as we're honest with ourselves about what we're doing to hinder our progress in this lifetime. I think I'm making strides in being more reflective and introspective in that aspect.
Im not sure what this means for the long term future of this blog. I originally made this during a time in my life when the internet was filled with opportunity and promises of a better life. Since then I've become more aware of how the world works and thereby more cynical to the beliefs I once held as a 16 y/o 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓱𝓾𝓼𝓲𝓪𝓼𝓽. I'll just continue to post things that are informative to my needs and likes and hope that it'll reach the people it's meant for. Unfortunately that means I gotta work on trimming the fat on this blog. I've made side blogs for this reason, but havent gotten around to utilizing them. That's gonna be a big project for me at some point down the line. Only God knows when I'll get around to it.
Here they are if you wanna browse through them-
a Blog filled with master posts, references and tutorials on stuff
another blog filled with fanart from some amazing folks
Based on the actions I'm currently taking, I can see myself absolutely vibing within the next 5 years.
You can expect me to reblog posts on my main fandoms (mainly yugioh, pokémon and hazbin hotel/helluva boss), commentary on our society at large (uh oh, OPINIONS 😱 so scary), theories and lore based on the fandom(s) I'm in. Ngl I also become enamored with 2d characters from time to time so perhaps I'll get around to making character analysis posts. That's a big MAYBE tho. I'll also post about Cooking, economics, Psychology, personality archetypes and certain spiritual concepts like feng shui, the different kinds of astrology, mythos from different religions (Buddhism, Catholicism, etc), productivity and/or life hacks. I'm also a slut for tropes, Hence the #Tropes tag I made 😁
And finally, I will be making more original content irregularly from when "the motivation strikes me" to "when I feel my ideas/drawing/writings/musings aren't complete hot dog water."
See you in the next post maybe
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divine-draws · 4 years
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okay i had a whole google doc that i wrote a buncha shit but imma try to CONDENSE it and make my ideas more clear bc there was some wishy washy in there. BUT dabihawks ice skating au bc im gay for that shit. all of it under the cut bc this shit is gunna get LONG. buckle in fuckers. ALSO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT this i will be happy to answer shit :3c
SO fair warning before we begin. i know shit about ice sports. im like 1) not THAT educated nor have i legit participated though ive always wanted to and 2) this is just self indulgent so like if i dont get shit right or whatever dont come at me bro. im here to have FUN and live a bit vicariously. also as for location of all this shit i dont know and dont care and am american so my perspective on things are skewed. anyway cw: abuse mention
so dabi (touya) is a previous figure skater
he’s a figure skating prodigy 
enji was a pro hockey player (id say figure skating but this man was BUILT like a brick shithouse idk man) has a lot of championships under his belt but doesnt even begin to touch the legacy of his one sided rival yagi toshinori
him and rei meet and marry at a young age. she like.. actually liked him then?? shit was kinda okay but things kinda.... got bad quick. the abuse etc was ... yeah. she ends up having dabi and fuyumi (they’re twins babeyy) at a young age too and kinda doesnt feel like she can get out of her horrible marriage 
we wont dwell too much on the bad part of all of this though. anyway rei was a figure skater
p well known and known for her fucking GRACE god she moved so well on the ice.
she was so beautiful and spoke through her movements and enji loved that... and so as a hockey player and with a (now previous) figure skater wife he was like aight my kids WILL take up an ice sport and be the FUCKING BEST
dabi isnt made for hockey. enji tries to get him into it but it’s... nah... fuyumi isnt the best with figure skating. she’s good!! and her and dabi do some pair skating when they’re younger but it’s.. hm. dabi is the one with the clear talent here. (fuyumi is a beast on the ice when it comes to hockey though. will dominate. but she kinda... didnt really continue with it)
enji isnt PLEASED that his son isnt gunna be a hockey player but he still values figure skating and will fucking make sure he’s the BEST at it. and so the brutal training starts. he gets some good coaches and also takes up the coaching mantle 
the thing is.. rei was amazing as a skater but her body just... wasnt really made for all of that??? and dabi unfortunately kinda inherited that. his body hates the impacts and such. he’s amazing at figure skating. he has a grace similar to his mothers but there’s something more fierce to him. 
and honestly !!! he gets far!!
also natsuo comes around. he’s a bit too clumsy for either sport and resents the fact that him and fuyumi are neglected by their father. he also loves touya and gets so pissed seeing his brother so hurt
and shouto is born and this kid was made to be on the ice. he’s skating from the moment he can fucking stand on his own.
obvs enji’s attention is split but it’s mainly on touya who is winning championships and GOING places but it’s still not good enough
anyway idk how far he goes?? but it’s the biggest competition yet and on ice mid routine he lands wrong
one thing leads to the next and he’s pretty much medically retired from a young age. he can skate. he can still kinda preform but he cant do what he used to at ALL and he cant keep up with the brutal pace enji sets. there’s a lot of trying to push him still and it’s just.. not happening
for all it’s worth dabi is kinda glad he isnt doing it anymore. but he fears for his babies brother. shouto is a natural and while yes being a professional athlete of any sort is brutal on your body, his body is a lot more capable
but like touya before, shouto is pushed to his absolute limits. bleeding and injuries and puking his guts out from being pushed too far
there’s a lotta resentment but he still pushes through w skating. 
(side note but there DEF is some todomido/tododeku w hockey player izuku who ends up being coached by THE yagi toshinori and who helps shouto out w making shit his own)
anyway so in the end dabi ends up working at a rink tho lol
it’s p much owned by shigarai and run by the lov (who in this au end up making their own little ragtag unofficial local hockey team p much and play games against other teams like them)
despite his father’s whole career, dabi does enjoy playing hockey with these dipshits
but yeah he enjoys his time working at the rink, fucking around and sleeping in random places and sometimes running the zamboni
he’s also best frenemies with shigaraki. they get along and both deal with a shitty upbringing and despite some slight animosity they both would kill if someone fucked w the other 
(also at some point dabi DEF teaches some little kid classes lol)
also dabi does sometimes skate his own routines from time to time. only when he’s alone really. though fuyumi has a pass to be there though he will gripe still
SO HAWKS AM I RIGHT??
now there is a couple ways to go with this and somewhere in me there is an au with hockey player hawks who takes skating lessons from figure skater dabi BUT
i think for this au we’ll just say he was a figure skater from the get go
i think he WANTED to do hockey as a kid. like shouto he’s also a fucking natural and was skating as soon as he could fucking stand and walk. and he looked up to enji and kinda wanted to take up hockey but 
listen,,, trans hawks. who wanted to be like todoroki enji and be a pro hockey player. shit just.. didnt work like that though and besides he’s a tiny dude and god he’d be fucking obliterated 
he kinda is self taught and the ice is his escape from his shitty home life
idk how this works but listen gotta tie in the commission somehow???
he’s scouted or whatever for figure skating at a very young age and his mom is happy to take the heavy scholarships and happy to sign him over to skate for these ppl and have them push him to be The Best
and this kid is FAST. he’s fast and is insane with his jumps and stg it almost looks like he’s FLYING (which gets him the nickname hawks)
the coaches are brutal and shit sucks and a lot of the time it kinda sucks the life out of the sport but he still enjoys it
he has a love for outfits that legit have flare to them (also im thinking of johnny weir’s one outfit w the feathers but yknow instead of white they are RED) and while he does do routines to boring ass music he mainly likes doing shit different (also dabi was p much forced the whole time to do shit to that boring ass music but on his own he’d use his own music taste to skate to)
and he’s good!! he GOES places. he’s like makes it to the olympics at a young age and is one of THE youngest gold medalists for figure skating
im sure somewhere along the line him and dabi DID meet. it was at some competition and hawks was VIBRATING bc there’s ENJI and he wants and autograph and oH GOD IS THAT HIS SON??? he’s HOT. (and at this time dabi still had his red hair and like no piercings and what little ones he had they were out but this dumbass will not recognize him later on)
but god he needs to chill TF out or he will fuck up in the competition 
he hears about dabi’s whole accident and like feels for him but again it’s not like they were friends. there was more of a slight rivalry and they barely spoke if they did
but so idk like.. between seasons hawks finds himself going like nearly every day to this rink.. aka shigaraki’s rink (also sidenote but lbr it’s really run by shirakumo who kinda has to fucking herd the cats w this group)
as frenemies dabi and shigaraki share their distaste for some of these pro athletes (tho some get a pass) and kinda complain about hawks a bit tho like..... shigaraki cant complain TOO much bc of the money from hawks renting out the rink for a few hours almost every day
dabi is too gay for this shit when he actually sees hawks in action. rip him 
tbh they dont really interact tho (besides dabi telling him to gtfo the rink or he’ll run him over with the zamboni) until one day that hawks catches dabi skating
he was done and should have been gone but he forgot something on the bleachers and then he sees dabi and.. oh boy he’s GAY AF
and also dabi is RLLY GOOD???
and so hawks makes a FOOL of himself and startles the poor guy and p much presses all the wrong buttons w asking why he doesnt compete or something
and i mean im sure they had some SLIGHT progress w talking before. nothing significant but god the walls go RIGHT THE FUCK UP and dabi is pissed
tbh dabi was gunna get to the point where he LEGIT talked to him and maybe lowkey asked him out (he says this but shigaraki calls his bluff) and now there is no way. he storms off and tries to avoid him so hard
and hawks tries to corner him a bit but after some time he does manage to corner him and be like pls just let me take you out to dinner to make up for that shit????
aaand dabi accepts bc listen okay he cant say no to free food ??? like he’s kinda pissy w this guy but also.. listen he has EYES 
anywayyy p much this just leads to them dating
hawks DEF looks him up and watches all the vids of him and like the idiot he is realizes that he met him before ( “oh my GOD i know you” “uh… we’re dating i hope u know me?????”  “nO I MEAN WE MET AT (insert comp)”)
but before that dabi did like tell him some shit. mainly about like how he used to skate blah blah and the whole thing that ended all of that
he doesnt really delve too deep into like his shitty childhood until well later
idk what leads to it but the convo finally comes up and it’s so draining for dabi and hawks is horrified and ready to fight his dad (“listen i just sharpened my skates i’ll just-”)
anyway some side things bc this is long and i will answer questions on this tho
rumi is a women’s pro hockey player and fuyumi who actually follows hockey and shit has the BIGGEST crush on her (they end up together)
also natsuo comes to see one of the leagues games (he hasnt really seen them play tbh?? he hears about it from dabi but he lives like at least a few hours away on campus and is going for med school so rip him) and like he meets shigaraki and anyway dabi is losing his FUCKING MIND bc his best frenemy/boss and his younger brother are FLIRTING. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM???
dabi and hawks are really gay together and have skated together by this point and made out on ice a few times and shigaraki was miserable and is like “NOW U KNOW!!” and dabi is pissed bc “yEAH BUT THAT”S MY LITTLE BROTHER??? IT”S NOt thE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 
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bananonbinary · 4 years
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if you have any more thoughts on martin having an eating disorder, i'd like to hear em (if u don't/ don't wanna share, that's ok!)
first off: at the risk of tmi, im drawing a little on personal experience and ive never been diagnosed beyond “that’s really not healthy and we need to fix it,” so i dont actually know what disorder this is, specifically.
anyway.
martin does in fact drink a lot of the tea he makes, because it helps to have *something* in his stomach, and he doesnt want people to worry about him not eating. basically any time he feels hungry he’ll go and make himself some tea instead.
he also NEVER eats from communal eating spaces like the office breakroom because if u think his mother didnt yell at him for snacking at home or eating food that wasn’t “his,” you are wrong. he knows that looks weird tho so sometimes when other people are already eating (it’s fine if someone else starts, right?) he’ll give himself permission to grab like a banana he brought from home or something.
he DOES usually eat meals if other people are there to see (which, if hes around they usually are, just cause he doesnt eat well doesnt mean he wont bug everyone else about it), its just like. stuff that he feels its “acceptable” for a fat person to eat in public so its usually a small sandwich or some shit. never takeout or frozen if he can help it, altho he’ll often go for that at home for money reasons.
he used to go through cycles of restriction and binging, but once he started living in the archives he was around other people too much and was pretty much just restricting all the time. this...unfortunately didnt really ever let up, because everything just kept getting worse.
obviously, the whole prentiss situation made things even harder on him. a lot of his go-to food became triggers, so his already poor diet became really unbalanced.
things were actually the worst for him when not!sasha was around, because she (and jon’s breakdowns) made him paranoid that people would KNOW, people would SEE (he’s not even sure what, but they WOULD) and he pretty much didnt eat at all at work.
this fed into all the shit in season 4 because its actually incredibly lonely to constantly be watching other people’s self-care habits and know that no one’s noticed your own. ironically, he had the chance to eat a bit better around then, because no one was around to see, but the constant dissociation just made it easier to ignore so it wasnt really better or worse in the end.
jon kinda noticed all this early on? especially when he was stalking everyone lmao. but like. his own issues with eating properly and his general...everything at the time made him feel like it wasnt really his place to say anything.
by the scottish honeymoon tho he’s been on the receiving end of martin’s caretaking so many times that he basically just copies that to bully martin into actually eating the proper amount. theres kind of a running competition of who can outdo the other with “i made an elaborate meal for the two of us this evening, now you’re OBLIGATED to eat something, you bastard.” also just general turning concern back on the other person. its all very sweet and gay.
jon genuinely finding martin beautiful and lovable and helping him with his self-esteem issues also helps a lot.
its weird, because you’d think trying to tackle a decades-long issue on top of all the other bullshit they’ve been through would make things hard, but Martin is basically having to relearn how to be a person and actually sit in his body again anyway, after the Lonely, so this just feels like the natural time for recovery. when he’s already asking himself “am i sad, am i distressed, am i cold,” its easy enough to add “am i hungry” to his (and jon’s) check-ins.
after the eyepocalypse, they obviously dont need to eat anymore, but jon doesn’t want to undo all martin’s progress and reassures him that he’s always allowed to eat just because he wants to, so he still makes an effort to scrounge up small things as theyre walking. a little package of cookies, a bag of chips, a loaf of bread one time. its not like expiration dates mean anything anymore, and they could both really use the small comfort of pretending to be human for a bit.
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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years
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23:28 11/05/2021
sooooo uhhhhh,, its chewsday innit.i have no idea what my life is anymore. like what do i even do?? i have no idea how i would describe myself to someone else and thats sort scary yk. like how am i supposed to like myself if i dont know who i am? n e way enough existentialismmmmmm ice gotten more unconditional uni offers which im dead proud of like who wouldve thought I wouldve been able to do this. if only i couldve seen myself like 4 years ago i would be shocked. i mean most of it would make sense but like i didnt even think id live this long tbh. i dont think about that enough the fact i couldnt see myself getting older and doing 'grown uo things' because i thought i would never get through the present. that sounds real sad wow. 
lets talk about something else, perhaps how i believe myself to be far too impulsive for my own good and never thinking anything through twice. like ive just tried to revamp my whole room coz i was unhappy with it. i tried to chalk it up to just wanting a better desk and suddenly ive thrown away half my furniture and my room looks empty affff. but its ok since it already looks kinda better everything's cleaner now too. 
i went into my backgarden today and i picked all the uhhh my laptop almost died on me there i realised my things at full brightness anyway yes i went and picked the uh dandelions? the yellow chucky ones and some daisies and i made some flower chains and stuff and hung them in my room even though theyre gonna die idrc becuase they still look kinda cute, i keep patching my uni prep class becuase icba going but i still need to set up student loans and shit and actually confirm my choice for uni too omfg so much work and also need to start teaching msyelf the theory sruff for my driving thingytghing 
i was just looking back at another post before i started typing this and i was talking about how i dont really espress myself all too well through my apppearance and things i can personalise to me and i feel like ive gotten a lot better at that coz i recently chucked away a lot of clothes i dont wear and my mum bought me new stuff and im dead chuffed coz im far more confident in them and theyre far more comfy too :) ive also stopped wearing bras with wires and padding in them coz fuck all that shit i no longer care if people see my nipples becuase its not worth the actual pain from and improperly fitting bra which all of them are on me ............................................  
ive been listening to some NEW music lately just from my discover weekly stuff and its been pretty fuckign spot on with the shit i wanna listen to but i wish itd let me save each week as like a diff playlist but ive just been adding my favs to my other playlists feel like ive been piecing myself together bit by bit after not having the right pieces for years. 
anyway future me or whoever listen to 'them changes' by thunder someone or other because i think im a little bit obssesed atm hehehehehhehehehesjnjndkb LJBSCLVJBs jbs c' CKJBDKjkbckj  sh. i feel a bit like a fraud tho ngl like as tho im waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out im actaully lying about being a functioning human being for longer than like 5 days in the past 3/4 years. did that make sense idk im justsaying i feel a bit fake and that next time i feel a bit d y s f u n c t i o n a l its gonna hit really fucking hard and its gonna take a lot to get over it idk maybe im just being pessimistic or smth have a tendency to do that. 
also ive completely given up with school i have less than a month left and i cannot be fucked doing any more work than is necessary to pass ie only doing the test things and pretending to know what im doing in class no studying no homework none of that bs i would rather break my toes ..  
ive wrote like 3800 characters thats like maybe 800 words isssshhh idk man considering ive wrote w shit like wbsihizjbk ziSJNlcjb alknfbv ajn jankbdv. you know , . i dont really know what im rambing about anymore nothing has realliy progressed that much do idk what to say ill come back maybe when im at uni :O beye
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thezeekrecord · 3 years
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hi im waiting for pain meds to kick in before i continue sleeping so im gonna sit here and talk about the intents behind character arcs in good afternoon good evening and goodnight ok i try not to talk about it like this Too much but hey it's fanfiction why not
so like. essentially the big overarching theme was obv supposed to be the subjectivity of reality and what it meant for themselves and their relationships
for gordon especially the game meant a lot about who he is/who he gets to be or wants to be, the idea of being a player character and second guessing your own intent was something i was excited to write as i was first starting to plan this fic out. i wanted him to struggle a Lot retroactively with reality when it felt like everyone else had long since accepted it had been a game, and ultimately that was supposed to play into his relationship with benry a lot. also obviously a huge thing for him was Trauma, we all love a good gordon freeman trauma hurt/comfort moment right? i wanted to write sort of a backwards progression for him when they were in hl2, like i tried to reverse the script a little between gordon and benry where he just. he was doing his best contrary to what happened with benry and was Worried because that's very gordon, but him just laughing thru a lot of shit and not taking it entirely seriously like he should, not even paying attention to how bad he needed a break because Well It’s Not Real Right? meanwhile benry.....well i gotta back up for him for a bit
benry i feel like i struggled a bit with, i wish id written him Slightly different in the beginning at least but ehh. idk there's a lot of content out there for benry that i feel like skips over the idea that he hurt everyone (im Not getting into disc horse over this even though i have a lot of thoughts about it) but it was important to me to write an arc of him really trying to reach out? i think ppl fall into the trap of putting "gordon has to understand benry" before "benry has to make an effort to be understood". i think it's easier to project and say you want the others to put in that effort on his behalf, but the truth is i think that effort has to be very mutual! i liked writing an arc for him where he doesn't even understand himself very well and had to give his relationships time. i wish id had more time for it, but trying to juggle so many character arcs was Really tough lol. but regarding my choice w/the hl2 part, i do wish id had the opportunity to have him there More, i entertained the idea of him being powerless but with gordon the whole time or smth, but plotwise it just wasn't working out And it felt relevant for him to have that whole experience with the nihilanth. i wanted him to have the reverse experience to gordon was having, suddenly realizing there were actual consequences and he could die, essentially living out what gordon felt was his experience in hl1 fighting benry even if ultimately things would have been ok, bc he didn’t Know or register that at the time?
Whoa 2 Paragraphs For Benry anyway after that, even tho i took his powers away temporarily for adding context to the others' perceived experience and fpr worldbuilding/adding stakes to the situation, i don't really like story arcs for redeeming characters where their arc is represented by having powers taken away Permanently. like "its ok guys i just literally can't do it anymore so i won't" u know?? it doesn't feel like Enough. i wanted to show something where he took back his powers and what made him who he was and used it for Good. i think that rounds things out a little better? it was important that everyone, especially gordon, got to see him taking back the powers he used to attack them in the game and using them to protect them instead. it was a part of his identity, being like Not Human, and played v importantly into his relationship with tommy
with tommy i feel like. ok with everyone in gagegn i feel like i was deliberately mischaracterizing a bit for the sake of the story because My City Now, but i think tommy got hit pretty hard ajchdjshg i just wanted a very particular arc from him....so he was Very serious and i wish id worked in more moments where he got to be like, comedically just super wrong about something or just generally silly but Oh Well. anyway tommy's experience with knowing it's not real was very much implied to be a lifelong struggle and i was Heavily projecting, like, i love the unreality elements in hlvrai because [dissociates and gets delusions about nothing being real] and i just wanted to leave it implied he's always had a hard time with feeling like he Knows it's not real, and still just. Keeps Chugging Along bc what else can u do? also this is a very particular thing but i feel like with psychotic characters in media there's always a question of "but what if....the whole thing isn't real....." but i wanted to write an arc for a character where delusions Prepared them for something in a sense? i could go on for a whole other post about the dsm and psychosis representation etc etc but he was just. Prepared for knowing it wasn't real. my experience i projected heavily onto the story was acceptance of such a weird, abstract concept, and just trying to have a fulfilling life/relationships anyway because what would trying to unravel it all just for the sake of it do?
and that plays into how i wrote gman as essentially a foil to tommy, but im almost done with a ""post-canon"" fic about him so i won't say much on that (i think the fic caters to only me specifically maybe but i'll still post it ajfjsfh) but regarding tommy's whole thing with g-man, it was Very intentional for things to feel sort of unresolved and for him to still second guess himself. it was important to me that way idk, i feel like that's more true to life?
i WISH i had more time and ideas for darnold though.... he's another case of my projecting definitely, and i actually almost had Him go into nova prospekt with alyx instead of gordon and reappear at exactly the right moment for dramatic effect, but i wanted an arc for him where he discovered he wanted more than anything else to be with the science team and to have him disappear kinda contradicted that :/
im running out of steam to keep typing this. well with dr coomer i feel like that was another wild thing that was me projecting again ajdjajfjd i just love a good fantasy DID/OSDD situation (NEVER SEES THIS FOR REAL) and i wanted a little extra flavor with the clones to sort of mirror bubby's struggles
and with bubby. like ok with the prototypes and vortigaunt friend, i had the idea maybe a prototype survived the resonance cascade and had been hiding that whole time and bubby actually finds and rescues him? but that felt too weird and complicated for everything else going on so i threw in a vortigaunt as an emotional standin for him. the reason i wrote bubby resentful to his prototypes at first is one of those things i only introduced to represent part of his story arc and not necessarily a headcanon, i love the idea he considers them family and likes them for the most part! it was just something to slowly represent him growing past black mesa without just Saying it
it's like 5am. lastly.....the player......just like gman was to tommy, i did my best to write the player as almost an opposite to gordon even if i tried to make them as similar as possible. something i rarely see is exploring how complicated i feel like it would Actually make things to have a player, outside your game, trying to be your friend? i understand why ppl don't go this route and i didn't go too hard on it, but i mean, he's this guy who has control over your world and is living outside of it, and views all your life hardships as trivial in comparison to his own? i wanted to represent this in only small ways, because i thought it made sense to show him genuinely making an effort, but in moments like when he was talking to benry and when he talked to gordon, i wanted to show him just. Trying but still not taking it as seriously as he should, he gets Mad but he's treating it like a video game still! it's a power imbalance, and if nobody else was going to explore that then i would afhjchkg
my choice getting back to tommy and benry at the end.... maybe i wrote it a little angstier than i should have but that's something I'm glad i ran with, i was nervous ppl wouldn't like it but. having that flash forward was important for tommy especially after he fought with gman about like, the significance of short lives. he still had benry who i think i could have tried to show being a lot happier to be there to drive the point home, he's just kinda deadpan and maintained him that way but genuinely i wanted him to be happy to explore space with tommy! they had a weird beginning to their friendship, and solidarity of being partly aliens in their own regards, and they were out there finally exploring those aspects of themselves, PLUS
they were very literally just. freely exploring their reality. they got to do Anything without it having to be established by the player! that was supposed to be something Good, they were happy to have that freedom and liked seeing new things with each other that even the player probably never dreamed of. it's Their World, they can do and see anything, even their goal of finding an equivalent of where gman could have come from was kinda just something to slowly work towards to keep them going in some vague direction. the primary goal was to just have a good time
anyway this story was the longest thing ive ever written in my life idk what came over me lol
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inyoursheets · 4 years
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7, 17, and 27 for the fic asks!
7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics? 
oh wow, i don’t even know. really depends on the story i guess? and my attention span varies lololol some days im more patient than others. i like to sink into longer fics but i can also sincerely enjoy short fics a lot
in conclusion give me all the fics
17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback 
oh this varies, too. depends on the story i think? or, no, it depends on the writing process of the story. in some ways ive gotten worse w this. while also understanding why i do it more than before. it’s a work in progress. im really trying to stop caring too much about reactions bc while i do hope that people enjoy my writing, the point is not that. i used to publish and then bounce and take a shower before checking anything. but now i sometimes do somewhat obsessively refresh the page, unfortunately. i need to chill with that. i think what helps is that i often post in the evening, so i just fall asleep and then check in the morning, but sometimes i uncharacteristically manage to finish the final edits early enough to not do that, in which case i do need a proper distraction in place to prevent myself from checking for comments or whatever. so. pretty obsessively? i cant wait to grow past this phase lol
27. Do you like to give your readers some warning of what might be coming or just slap them in the face with content at random?
hahaha, you tell me! i feel like with warm water i do occasionally rant about the writing process so im....somewhat transparent about what lies ahead? tho i do try to not spoil too much. the last line tag + that search word fic game sure made that hard haha. maybe i dont always give that much away about what’s gonna happen but i do think i give something of a head’s up that im about to publish a chapter? im pretty sure that’s easy to notice considering how much oversharing i do in the tags/complaining i do about editing
but then......i didn’t tell anyone that i was writing the grocery store manager!AU except @medievalraven so i guess that was me slapping you all in the face with content. i read this thing -- a tweet? an article? i dont remember -- about how with creative pursuits, it’s smart not to share the idea before you’ve actually created it, bc if you do, you will first get validation from people’s reactions to the idea but then get demotivated once that initial rush wears off bc you actually still have to do the work. whereas if you share once you’ve created it, there’s less of a chance you’ll lose your motivation??? i think that was the gist, idk for sure.
so that’s what i tried to do very deliberately with the grocery store manager!AU, to see how that works for me. also bc the idea was soooo self-indulgent and it was nice to just experiment with writing it just for me without anyone knowing about it so i wouldn’t on some level worry about expectations or about the reactions of other people. tho it was really nice to gush about it with lauren! bc it’s also fun to share excitement about what you’re writing! i very specifically intended that fic to be a palate cleanser for after i finished warm water, but then suddenly i wrote it very quickly and was too pleased with it not to share, haha. or, actually, i had a different pwp oneshot idea, but that one is growing beyond the low stakes thing i wanted to write first thing after finishing warm water.
to sum up, if i ever do slap you with content at random it is because i managed to have enough self-control to not already share the idea beforehand and to make the writing process a little bit easier for me! although i will say, i genuinely love hearing about other people’s fic ideas and unpublished WIPs and definitely see the appeal in that, too
thank you!!!!!!! fic writer ask game thingy!!!
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