irregulardiaryposts

[irregulardiaryposts]

01:37 16/02/2023

Well... its obvs been a while since i updated huh. reading back on some of those .. some of its nice ig and some of it is quite articulate but looking back on some of it with my perspective now, idk its sad but also a little cringe lol. but thats the point of a diary to keep it cringe and truthful to how im feeling in the moment. well anyway

its 2023 woooo im in my second year of uni and things are pretty okay i guess. im still a litlte lonely dont get me wrong but im sure things will get better. um. ive got an essay due at midnight on the 16th (technically today) and im like a third through it? but the first 1/3 is the easiest part cos its just explaining the concepts. anyway im behind on a lot of uni work. for no reason. at all. like theres no good reason behind it other than i need medicated i guess. maybe i really should get meds im an adult now so im hoping they can. its genuinely really affecting my uni performance i cant get out of bed most days during the winter cos its so so cold. why is the world so so cold. my feet are also so so cold. can you tell im procrastinating :P unis still lonely but also i barely go anyway so what would i know anyway. i got some hobbies i guess. anime has revived my want for a tumblr blog so in november i made a new blog for anime ToT. its fun tho i really do enjoy it its so fun and silly and i can be as insane as i want to over fictional characters. better than twitter by a mile cos well yeah. it has also reignited my want to make art, cos then i can post it and other people who are also insane about the same characters can enjoy it too. even if its kinda bad idgaf. the whole 'oh shit two cakes' meme constantly runs through my head.

ahh anyway i also like playing video games too, or ig the difference is i have the money to buy them and a decent laptop to run them on. so that helps fill the void of community im missing. i really miss people. and im a huge introvert for the most part (unless im drunk but shhhh) but i miss not being in my room 24/7. i guess the theme of this update is i need meds ToT. not that it will necessarily be a perfect solution sometimes theyre not but ig it doesnt hurt to talk to a doctor about it. that depends on if i can actually get an appt ahhhhh. i dont have too much to talk about ig just that im alive and barely staying afloat but not actively suicidal so *thumbs up*. i really do need to write this essay i would dislike to get an extension because then i would just put it off again until next week lol. im such a good procrastinator :D this definitely isnt detrimental to my non-existent work ethic.

maybe i can talk about something thats itching at me from my philosophy course. my essay isnt exactly on this topic but i rlly wanna formulate some thoughts on it lol.

so we're talking about what exists in the world right? things people would easily say exist are things like tables, chairs, frogs, dogs, atoms and molecules. things that are a little harder to figure out if they exist are things like love, morality, goodness, numbers, gender. the lists are not exhaustive but that kind of thing. and there's this concept of Ordinary Objects(OO) and Extraordinary Objects(EO). the first list has almost all OO, which are defined as being highly visible objects right before our eyes (that do not escape our notice). the atoms and molecules make things tricky in philosophy as nothing can ever, ever, be simple in this subject. anyway. EO are objects that are also highly visible objects that do escape our notice. you're thinking how can an object, a physical object, that is so obviously in front of us, escape our notice??? well you're not alone in thinking philosophy just makes up things along with justifications of said things just for shits and giggles, and calls it a day, cos that's exactly what i thought when i heard this the first time. and genuinely so much of philosophy is just postulating and theorising about this thing and that thing but its done with such earnestness and sincerity that i get endeared by these stupid dead guys. ANYWAY. the existence of EO are obviously controversial (of course) and even OO are argued too. but yes what are EO exactly? the example given in the reading was a Trog - an object that is composed of a dog and a tree trunk. no, they are not connected in any way, and no they don't even have to be near each other but they can compose this object called a Trog. this is what you can call an EO. it is highly visible (assuming the dog isn't microscopic and the tree is not invisible) and it is right before our eyes yet we never notice it. well of course, who would? but the question is do EO really exist or is it a baseless theory. well...

another example of an

#oh well i guess i did try and update in between 2021 and now but i never finsihed my philosophy rant and i never will tbqh #because i do not remember what i was gonna say but im sure it wouldve been interesting to re read it cos i loved learning philosophy #anywya

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

#not using the tagging system i did on other posts i dont think theyre ever likely to be useful lmao

[irregulardiaryposts]

15:58 13/11/2021

im bored

with life

with everything

why am i so demotivated

why do i have such little energy to do things

the only times of the day i look forward to is going home and eating food

i keep making food even when im not hungry becuase im bored

but nothing really fills me up

this has started really sadly but in all fairness i am listening to mitski.

update time i suppose: im in uni now, i dont remember the last time i wrote but i know i havent since starting uni. i was soooo bored before starting uni i think i wouldve rathered a job than sitting around doing nothing, and i hate the idea of having a job. then i was really anxious about staring uni coz i didnt go to freshers week so i didnt know the area at all and i didnt know anyome and i hadnt interacted with people in such a long time i didnt know how to talk to strangers. i still dont, i feel so out of touch with everyone. if i were to describe how i feel i would say lonely but in truth not much has changed, so maybe ive always been lonely. i just dont notice it at this point. theres no excitement in my life but i feel there should be. i just cant connect with strangers, i dont know how to talk, idk if what im saying to them is relevant or makes any sense or if im just the weirdo that doesnt understand how to speak. but i also dont think id like the opposite, i dont think ill ever have many friends, proper friends. i only really have one person that i can be myself with but i dont see her much. im supposed to want to go out to clubs and make loads of friends and have new experiences but i feel so restricted and that i cannot do any of those things coz of my age and that i dont think im the type of person anyone would invite to those things. unis a new experience but its the same as school, im surrounded by people i feel i cant really talk to without ostracizing myself, im overwhelmed with the workload because i cannot focus enough to do it and i feel so different from everyone else. except this time i dont really have friends to laugh with over lunch. i keep everything bottled now and i feel it sitting heavy within me. im uninterested in my life, im not even depressed coz i can still function 'normally' but i feel like a robot not really experiencing anything. i want more hobbies but that costs money i dont have. i want to draw and paint but i cannot put any energy into finishing things, or i get distracted, or bored by it. i want to watch more stuff, have things im interested in and keep up with but that takes up so much effort. i still read i guess just not books because theyre too much work. but even that is unfulfilling. how do people go through life feeling like this. i went to a halloween party but ultimately that bored me too because the people were boring so i drank too much and ignored people to play mariokart. why are other people so boring, is it just i cant connect with them enough to see how they arent boring? do i demand too much of them to ask them to be interesting? that sounds kinda terrible. im too independent to the point i am isolated from everyone else. this is just me wallowing in my misery this isnt even a good update. i dont know what i want out of life and it weighs on me. i know i dont have to have it figured out but its hard not having a goal or any wants in life. i was gonna say i want a gf but that wouldnt fix anything. i just want to be understood and have friends, genuine friends, but idk who would wanna be friends with the person i pretend to be. but the 'real' me is too much. how do i be in between. how can i be enough but not too much. i try to romanticise my life sometimes but i know thats because im woefully bored with existence.

bleugh bluh bleh blaugh bahbahabwefbhhbfwjh

byebye

#2021 the year of fun #this is #november 2021 entry #why is it novemeber #i thought i would actually talk about stiff but #im actually not even interested in complaining about the other stuff #lifes great :)))))))))))))))))))))))

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like -> #june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:22 12/05/2021

ok so its only been like 20 mins since i last put something uo but holy shit i just made myself cry rereading the stuff i wrote when i was talking about the minecraft end poem that was literally so nice to hear. i really hope i do keep doing these little posts because i just felt so goddamn comforted by those old posts . ive been doing this for tlike 6 months now and i only have like 4 posts lmaooooo anyway i should get off now but i think im gonna start signing off with an ily so that future me can hear that 

ily me <3

#like i legit did cry #that goddamn poem hits too hard man #also those old things i wrote about myself being incredible for existing #i really fucking needed that #may 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[irregulardiaryposts]

23:28 11/05/2021

sooooo uhhhhh,, its chewsday innit.i have no idea what my life is anymore. like what do i even do?? i have no idea how i would describe myself to someone else and thats sort scary yk. like how am i supposed to like myself if i dont know who i am? n e way enough existentialismmmmmm ice gotten more unconditional uni offers which im dead proud of like who wouldve thought I wouldve been able to do this. if only i couldve seen myself like 4 years ago i would be shocked. i mean most of it would make sense but like i didnt even think id live this long tbh. i dont think about that enough the fact i couldnt see myself getting older and doing 'grown uo things' because i thought i would never get through the present. that sounds real sad wow. 

lets talk about something else, perhaps how i believe myself to be far too impulsive for my own good and never thinking anything through twice. like ive just tried to revamp my whole room coz i was unhappy with it. i tried to chalk it up to just wanting a better desk and suddenly ive thrown away half my furniture and my room looks empty affff. but its ok since it already looks kinda better everything's cleaner now too. 

i went into my backgarden today and i picked all the uhhh my laptop almost died on me there i realised my things at full brightness anyway yes i went and picked the uh dandelions? the yellow chucky ones and some daisies and i made some flower chains and stuff and hung them in my room even though theyre gonna die idrc becuase they still look kinda cute, i keep patching my uni prep class becuase icba going but i still need to set up student loans and shit and actually confirm my choice for uni too omfg so much work and also need to start teaching msyelf the theory sruff for my driving thingytghing 

i was just looking back at another post before i started typing this and i was talking about how i dont really espress myself all too well through my apppearance and things i can personalise to me and i feel like ive gotten a lot better at that coz i recently chucked away a lot of clothes i dont wear and my mum bought me new stuff and im dead chuffed coz im far more confident in them and theyre far more comfy too :) ive also stopped wearing bras with wires and padding in them coz fuck all that shit i no longer care if people see my nipples becuase its not worth the actual pain from and improperly fitting bra which all of them are on me ............................................  

ive been listening to some NEW music lately just from my discover weekly stuff and its been pretty fuckign spot on with the shit i wanna listen to but i wish itd let me save each week as like a diff playlist but ive just been adding my favs to my other playlists feel like ive been piecing myself together bit by bit after not having the right pieces for years. 

anyway future me or whoever listen to 'them changes' by thunder someone or other because i think im a little bit obssesed atm hehehehehhehehehesjnjndkb LJBSCLVJBs jbs c' CKJBDKjkbckj  sh. i feel a bit like a fraud tho ngl like as tho im waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out im actaully lying about being a functioning human being for longer than like 5 days in the past 3/4 years. did that make sense idk im justsaying i feel a bit fake and that next time i feel a bit d y s f u n c t i o n a l its gonna hit really fucking hard and its gonna take a lot to get over it idk maybe im just being pessimistic or smth have a tendency to do that. 

also ive completely given up with school i have less than a month left and i cannot be fucked doing any more work than is necessary to pass ie only doing the test things and pretending to know what im doing in class no studying no homework none of that bs i would rather break my toes ..  

ive wrote like 3800 characters thats like maybe 800 words isssshhh idk man considering ive wrote w shit like wbsihizjbk ziSJNlcjb alknfbv ajn jankbdv. you know , . i dont really know what im rambing about anymore nothing has realliy progressed that much do idk what to say ill come back maybe when im at uni :O beye

#this is the most incomprehensivle shit ive eveer written #who lets me do this' #i do i do this #tags are so fun what the heck' #jhbk SD CJSK #im looking at all the typos in this and i feel absolutely no shame #my keyboad simple doenst understand my dancing fingers #anyway gn #also additional little thing at 00.01 i found out today that p!nk and pink floyd are NOT th e same thing #hi future me here to fix typos turns out i Do in fact Feel Shame #anyway #may 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

#this is horrible rambling #i dont think i make a singular concise point #anyway that doesnt matter because i do what i want #im listening to mincraft music at the moment did i tell u that #i goddamn love this music #it is literally better than the beatles #im prepared to fist fight anyone that says otherwise #maybe not actually i dont think i could be bothered hahahahahahahahahahahahah #march 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:27 10/01/2021 so. yes hello . i have corona looool. its not funny but it kinda is. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote and yet nothing at all has happened. its 2021 lol. its just 2020 pt 2 tho. crazy shit. i feel fine tho i dont feel ill at all. im currently looking at some art that i like and trying to find more since i wanna make a collage on my wall or something. ive always wanted a room that just feels like ME ya know. i always felt like my room didnt really show who i was because i tend to live in my head. like all of me is in my noggin instead of showing who i am through the way i dress/how my room looks/personalised things like my phone and stuff . like its never really shown what im like probably because i dont really know who i am. that feels weird to say because of course i know who i am. its a me. mario. no. lol. i really want to get into tailoring my life to ME rather than just existing ya know. like i feel as though theres no point doing anything like expressing myself because ill just end up being not bothered to finish something or ill end up not liking it so ive wasted my time. but u know what. fuck it. i wanna do thinks like that and maybe one day ill look back at when i started doing this and thank myself. thats got to be worth more than the feeling of disappointment of wasting ur time for something u dont like. coz if its not better then thats not fair. i was contemplating whether or not to actually continue this because its cringe and i dont want anyone to ever find this because i hate people knowing more about me than i let them. you only ever get to know the me i want you to. lol. i exist on my conditions. i should really put this somewhere else than on a notepad on my laptop. maybe i should create a tumblr account and upload these coz i think i could access it more privately than this. the more i think about it the better of an idea this is. i still like writing on this notepad because its familiar and allows for more expression i think . because i can make as many spelling mistakes as i want and no one can correct me. haagaHHghvsqhdbjsnbsd. anyways what was i talking about. ah yes self expression. i think ive been struggling with this because i dont like boxing myself in. and i especially hate when other people box me in . :((((((( makes me mad >:[ hehehheh anyway i have the first day of online school tomorrow ... which... yeah sucks. but i dont even know if half my teachers are actually doing it lol. i hope prelims get cancelled because i mean the exams are so why shouldnt prelims be. the thing is that i struggle with motivation so much. and its not even like "i dont want to start this massive project because it will take a lot of time and energy" its more "i cant pick up that book that is within arms reach even though i quite like the idea of reading right now and wouldnt mind getting a bit of progress done i just physically cant put my phone down and pick that up because my brain doesnt want to even though.. it does????" man am i bad at explaining. anyway i was saying that because even though i knowwww i shouldve been studying the past two weeks the only thing ive done is like.. look at some spanish and thought about things i can do in my own time to help that. but the thing is i enjoy spanish for the most part so like,,, with me enjoying the subject, wanting to learn it, and going to fking uni for it, all ive done is 20 minutes of spur of the moment writing lmao. so chemistry and maths are fked. coz i dislike chem especially. fuck that shit lol. i feel very trapped in my own head but i feel like im doing that becauese ive learned to do that for so long. its weird existing to other people especially when u didnt feel like u existed to yourself for a long time. like as though ehdjsb jhbwalkjkjbf i dont know what im saying. oh yeah the minecraft end poem almost made me cry again. im gonna read it again because i just reminded myself and im gonna come back and tell u my fave. why am i speaking to you as though u are real. like ur a person. maybe ill keep doing that. what do u think. anyway brb wait im gonna play minecarft music while i read it and maybe i can cry. "i like this player. it played well. it did not give up" "this player dreamed of sunlight and trees. of fire and water. it dreamed it created. and it dreamed it destroyed. it dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. it dreamed of shelter." "does it know we love it? that the universe is kind?" "to cure it of sorrow would destroy it. the sorrow is part of its own private task" "to tell them how to live is to prevent them living" "take a breath, now. take another. feel air in your lungs. let your limbs return. yes, move your fingers. have a body again, under gravity, in air. respawn in the long dream. there you are. your body is touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. as though we were separate things" "and why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? to see you, player. to know you. and to be known." "and the universe said i love you - and the universe said you have played the game well - and the universe said everything you need is within you - and the universe said you are stronger than you know - and the universe said you are the daylight - and the universe said you are the night - and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you - and the universe said the light you seek is within you - and the universe said you are not alone - and the universe said you are not sepsrate from every other thing - and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code - and the universe said i love you because you are love" *sobs* " and the player was the universe. and the player was love. you are the player. wake up." how was i supposed to be okay after reading that huh. honestly tho i live minecraft like its such a beautiful game i cant believe i used to be ashamed to admit i played it :/ . in the middle of that i created a tumblr account coz i got sidetracked but its good to know that tumblr doesnt have a character limit that im aware of. anyway i know thats a lot of quotes its like almost half of the entire poem but like. its beautiful tho. its really grounding and like validating? to hear some of that idk. the universe is actually fking mental tho lol and i love learning about it i think thats one of the reasons i did so well in physics is that is taking something so entirely complex and crazy into math and reason and logic so i can at least understand a little about the universe. i can know it back. maybe i am the universe. and really were just understanding ourselves. getting to know who we are and where we all came from. i think thats lovely since some people (inc me) dont really know who they are or what theyre supposed to be so its comforting to know that at the very least we are all made from atoms and we were all forged from the same galaxy and that we are a part of the universe, part of something important just by existing. that we dont have to be special or unique by anyone's standards because we are formed in the same way stars are, were all just a collection of atoms, arranged to make up something incredible, and the fact that we can understand that shows how remarkable we are just by existing. like thats it. we are amazing just because we exist at the same time as the universe, that we are the universe. and so yes physics is "just maths" but maths is a tool to explain how phenomenal our exitance actually is. yeah. wow. ok imma go watch youtube or something now. bye bye. also notice how there was like an almost 3 month gap in between writing these. yeah.

#bad spelling and grammar but thats how this all will be hahahahahah #january 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[irregulardiaryposts]

23:08 23/10/2020 Fuckie wukie :( i have a chem and math test next week and i have to start proper doing my personal statement, im so stressed :(

 ive always wanted to keep a "diary" coz i think it would be cool to look back on but they are also kinda cringe . i wish i kept diaries when i was younger cos i dont remember anything from before age like 10. do i have amnesia? probs not but a diary wouldve still been cool to look at. i think it wouldnt have been cringe for an 8 year old to keep a diary because they dont have any concept of what cringe is, but it could be weird looking back at this and say CRINGE even tho all im doing is writing some works on a notepad.. maybe everything we do is cringe with enough time and growth. ill probably wake up tomorrow and delete this cos i think its cring. im writing cringe a lot. cringe cringe CrInGe CrInGe cringeeeee. oh well. 

i kinda like typing this out tho and the font looks cool so i might keep doing this every now and then. wifi is currently broken or some shit idk and i have to entertain myself without internet. i feel like an oogabooga man. thoughts... brain,... hm... 

i cant wait for christmas, but its the same every year isnt it? i feel like as a child you love the holidays and the holidays love u by giving you a break, time to spend with people, and presents and gifts and shit. but as you get older it dies down into a dull love for the holidays because time doesnt move as slow as it once did and its over before you know it , and youve got deadlines and stress and youve spent all your money on other people, you barely had time to go out with friends because you were studying or whatever and suddenly youve gained 30 pounds coz youve been stuck inside for ages. when i get older i want to really love christmas again, because at the moment i dont feel the love i once felt.. it gets crushed by school and stress and shit. im not even gonna reread what ive wrote because i feel like ill just delete everything or edit it so its so boring. if theres spelling mistakes deal with it. 

ive gotten into reading again which is good. i really do like reading since its like an escape, but it gets so hard to want to read and then i feel so crap if i havent read in a week or something. i need to be easier on myself , at least im making an effort to read which is good . 

i have this thing where i dont feel even slightly productive doing something for a long time (like reading or studying too) but then i get to a point where ive been doing as much as i can for a wee while and i look back and it really fucking adds up. like jesus ive read over 15 books since july and yet i still feel like its worthless everytime i try to  read. like what??? its like i do and also dont understand that small things add up to a big thing and that anything i do can help even if its just a small amount. go big or do at least something ya know. i never understood why go big or go home was a phrase because it doesnt really make sense. its always better to do a little positive thing when you cant do something bigger than nothing at all. yeah . the little things really do matter ya know. 

anyway bye

#ok so this is the first post on here but i decided to put this here since i dont want it on my laptop hehehehe #first entry lol #october 2020 entry #2020... year #i needed to tag this so when i do this more regulary i can navigate #but its almost 9 months since this #wow its crazy to look back on this #bye bye