#idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[ravegore]

Ok now that my rage is mostly past i am in more lalaland. Glad to put my energy towards being happy and improving my life with my friends that i love and trust

#i am still miffed that this was public but #it occurred to me it might also be bothering me so intensely because #it seemed we both agreed to move past each other and let go for now #n sure maybe this is what he needed to do to let go #it just feels kinda inflammatory. #but its only as much as i engage it with. which i dont plan to do #i hope my silence helps him reflect #and theres also just #a certain irony to the whole thing that i spent many many years trying to give advice on their relationship trying to help only for nothing #and now this very fresh very new issue suddenly is relationship breaking and hes already given up trying to help #lol #i guess he knows how i feel now though #idk #if anything better for him i guess to cut it off now rather than try repeatedly like i did (unless this already is repeat) #it also just feels like #he really doesnt even know who i am as a person #even after all this time #i dont want to say hes just wrong about everything because i definitely did say some dumb shit in the last few months #but it just feels like hes not even trying #or there are things hes not telling me #i keep telling my side explaining myself explaining what i mean and he just keeps. dare i use this word. Assuming things about me #anytime i have a conversation with him i just feel like im running in a circle i dont understand and i never know how to feel about anythin #and i dont understand what hes talking about what he wants what hes really feeling whats going wrong #and... comparing that to the friends i have now #its just even more obvious they're a lot better for me #i dont think friends are supposed to make you feel like this

[mrfoox]

Ok I've kinda realized my last date experience probably scared me more than I realized lol

#miranda talking shit #It wasnt ... Super bad but like looking back yes ill laugh about the whole thing but also i was so uncomfortable and scared...? #Matched with a cool guy. He was kinda different/odd which i am too ya know? #We messaged a lot and he seemed cool so we set a date and i invited him over bc i trusted him. Things were going well for an hour or two we #Talked a lot and it was nice just getting to know each other ... Idk if i asked if we could cuddle or if he initiated it but i love cuddles #So it was nice and then i think he said something like it was awkward or his arm got tired or something bc we were in the couch and i #Well not thinking about any social norms kinda just said well we can cuddle in bed. I specifically said just cuddle and looking back like #Yeah thats not part of the social norms and probably is interpreted as something more but me being me i am naive and actually dont have #Ulterior motives and just wants cuddles... We get there and cuddles for a while but then he start getting handsy and like yea /: #Im so anxious irl and my brain always work so slow i never... Mentally catch that i feel uncomfortable socially. So i kinda didnt say stop #But i wasnt... Doing much in return yea /: and i genuinely dont know what to do ij such situations... Like i had told him before we met i #Was an virgin and wasnt looking to hook up and he was respectful for that so he didnt push for 'more' but even just above the clothes i was #Uncomfortable and not in on that .... He stopped trying after he realized i was kinda avoiding his touch but that took like 10 mins #After that i kinda ghosted him. I dont think he acted with ill intent etc but i genuinely didnt feel safe and couldnt see myself trust him #Again so... Yeah.... Like i can joke about that whole thing but i realize now it probably bothered me more than i thought #Its not the first time someone has 'pushed my boundaries' in those type of ways and i think once again i downplay it yo hell and back #I did in the past to when my ex was pushy... I guess i dont know how to handle it like i feel so uncomfortable in the moment and then after #I feel awkward and bad about it so my solution is to joke about it bc to the outside my reactions are probably funny in the right light #And its easier to laugh about an situation than to actually reflect on how it made you feel and so on.... #This i kinda just realized tonight like wow .... I mean i dont know what to do with that information but seeing it is a start #Ive thought about getting back into datinf but ive found a lot of excuses and now im like... Ok maybe theres a reason outside my usual stuf

[serenequeenofeverything]

What your teams of lights wants you to know? A self tarot reading.

Group i, ii, iiii, iv

But before we move on onto the reading, i want you to understand what teams of light is.

Now I won't go into details, but if you want a separate post on this, let me know in the replies. I would be more than happy to teach you more.

This is a direct quote from Laura lynne Jackson, the author of "signs: the secret language of the universe" :

" We all have a Team of Light on the Other Side. These teams send us signs.

These signs come from three distinct forces:

1. We receive signs from God energy, which is what I mean when I say signs from the universe. This is the highest and most powerful source of love, and we are each directly connected to it, and also to one another through it.

2. We receive signs from our spirit guides / the angelic realm.

3. We receive signs from our loved ones who have crossed."

Now here is the thing, you don't need me to deliver these messages to you. You receive them yourself everyday, but you might simply dismiss it. Im here to tell you what you already probably know but also probably choose to ignore or not pay much attention to.

Now shall we begin?

Just breath in and out. Let's begin.

Group i

You are not stuck as u like to think. You know your way out of this thing (a good majority of you already made it out of this situation) tbh i mostly see a relationship but it could also totally be something related to finances and just money in general.

Here is what you need to hear tho, whoever and whatever this situation was, you will do so much better without them. You are more than capable of handling this alone. And ur teams of light are more than willing to help you, to make this easier for you. So ask for help, but within not from the outside. U have so much within urself that the world outside is nothing but a failed attempt to reflect what you already have.

This song came in so strong, listen to it.

Group ii

Very similar message to group i, kinda the same theme but while theirs revolved around trusting the self, and working through their situation alone, yours is more about collaborating with others to solve this. Now i know this may have failed for you before, but this time try differently, maybe with a different person (s).

Ur luck is about to be better but here's what i (and you teams of light) need you to do, 1. Have stronger boundaries 2. Dont get emotionally attached to these people (person) this is business, not friendship. 3. Just this time try, i promise it will go better.

Group iii

Honestly this is the group that i feel most horrible for. This group seems to be going through a lot financially speaking, some of you might even be on the verge of going homeless. Listen up my babe, you know your situation better than i do, u actually know way too well that bad your situation is or can potentially become, and it's stressing you out beyond measures.

Your teams of light is clearly saying "go there" "go back", it's something about relying on another person or maybe even the government, maybe a shelter or a father figure (I definitely see a dad) to help you in this. This is the best thing to do. Trust me, this time reach out for your own sake and safety.

Group iv

Wow and here I thought only group iii situation was bad. um.. so do u struggle with some sort of addiction? Or do you feel like you are in a home or a situation that's crumbling to the group but u r stuck and you cannot get out? If that's not you then this is not your group(altho i still suggest u read the advice section in case it might somehow be exactly what u need to hear).

Okay, if you know this is your group, then let me tell you that there's a way out. Something will come up, idk what it is but it will be big. Most probably a guy will come in, they will offer you something, an idea maybe? (Altho be fucking careful, this whole situation is very effy). I genuinely dont know what's happening... like legit this group confuses the fuck out of me, so idk if u should take this offer... dont get desperate and i know u r desperate but it's almost like the cards are telling me to tell you to not trust this person but to use their idea. Almost like listen to their advice and take their advice but not with them in the plan..

Im gonna give u an example so u understand; you live in an abusive household, and u wanna escape it. But u cannot find the way out, then boom this guy comes in and is like I'll help you but long term if u go with them u will end up in a very bad situation. But here's another way to do it, this person tells u how they will help you, like their plan to get u out, what i need u to do is do as their plan minus them( the guy).

Hopefully this makes sense, english is my third language so i find it hard to tell u exactly how it is.

-----------------------------------------------

Anyways, this is it. I hope this helps you.

Also follow me bc... im too good.

And also u can totally suggest what my next reading should be on by simply replying to this post (altho i dont take personal readings right now)

#pac reading #pick a card #pick a pile #free tarot reading #tarot cards #daily tarot #love reading

[the-s1lly-corner]

Caine and kinger x reader with ADHD

Caine and Kinger x reader w/ ADHD

yahoo!! gonna knock out some requests today !! this is gonna be based off of my own experiences btw !! not much else i can think to put in this authors note so! ill just get on with it note from the future, little longer than i intended but thats mostly because admin started relating TOO much wuh-oh

CAINE:

caine is honestly really good about keeping you on track when theres a task at hand. i dont know about you, but i tend to wander about when im working on something; to check on something else repeatedly then coming back to what needs to be done and just go back and forth.(shit im even doing it now, the getting up and checking on things thing even though i know the thing is fine/complete) i like to think that caine would be pretty okay at making sure you get the thing you need/want to do done! i dont think theres meds in the digital world, i mean yeah sure you can ask for them but since theyre digital theyre not going to actually. do anything. but lets say in a hypothetical au where this all takes place in the real world and caine is a real person, he would make sure you take them consistently and on time. honestly this hc isnt really part of the ask but; i generally like to think that caine likes to follow routines and schedules as closely as he can... maybe its the ringmaster thing since hes tasked with keeping everything running but... shrugs

very supportive when you make a small mistake in something (like this is just a general thing, though) and isnt too obnoxious with trying to hold or regain your attention is something happens to the side and steals it away. very patient and polite with it, i think

last minute addition because it hit me like a sack of bricks. time blindness. fucking time blindness. you know how i mentioned that caine is good at keeping you on track? i think he would be good with helping you out with that, at least some of it. mostly logging your activities and him keeping an eye on the time (which he already does so its not like an extra habit he needs to pick up.. though if it werent he would pick it up in a heartbeat. literally anything for you, he loves you a lot)

KINGER:

honestly he might start to mimic your stims and fidgets! he doesnt mean to mock you, no i just think he would start to reflect your actions after spending most of his time around you to make sure you're okay! while caine keeps you on track, kinger is likely to go with you when you wander off to check/do something else. really unless its something time sensitive or really important is when hes going to start outwardly reassuring you that the other thing is fine. honestly, in an au with the real world i was originally going to say he would have a chance of forgetting to help remind you/ask if you took your meds (if you take them) but i think he would take stuff like that way too seriously to even DARE forget. like yeah sure you're not going to d1e if you forget to take them for a single day but still. he'd probably be like this with any meds tbh, so if you're prone to forgetting youll be fine as long as you have kinger around! gibes you pillows for fidget stuff, if you are feeling restless. or perhaps even goes on a walk with you around the circus grounds. like idk about yall, or if this is something completely unrelated, but my legs HURT when i sit too still. like down to the bone, if i dont get up every now and then its agony; sleeping is hell and on days its worse than others (like im talking sometimes i need to be in near constant movement) (also jerky arms and legs) (anyways)

also very polite with returning your attention to where it needs to be but honestly given that kinger himself is shown to space out at least twice in the pilot i think sometimes you guys both get side tracked and struggle to remember and/or get back into the flow of what you were originally doing

ponders

tldr; caine keeps you more on track with schedules whereas kinger embraces your flow a little more but both are respectful of things and dont really make you feel less than + remind you to take care of yourself

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x reader #kinger x reader

[blueiight]

I was reading your tags to dre's published ask. Do you think while writing about these blood sucking monsters, Anne deliberately made one of them a former slave master? I mean the way this man during his mortal times had benefited by preying on the black race and the reflection of it in his fate where he is now in literal terms an entity who survives by preying on people? Or is it like twilight ( movies) where Jasper's past as a confederate soldeir is just dropped as if it's the most casual thing to shrug away.

( something is up with vampire media and all of them being connected to slave trade my god. Either it is a social commentary or people really do not have any self awarenesses?

i dont know about twilight book or movie to make a meaningful comparison to louis’s book counterpart. i wish i knew. and tbh, its hard to prescribe authorial intent on a dead woman who wrote a sprawling epic of 20+ books for 50 years , especially with shifting perspectives , namely pivoting away from louis to lestat as her MC bc of what fantasy/POV was more interesting to her. but i think in the first book there was some intention there, i cant just say how much. lestat wants to hunt the runaway slaves along the freniere plantation, and louis discourages him from doing it not out of compassion for enslaved people (which would be condescending and abysmal writing for a slaveowning character), but for his proximity to the freniere’s as fellow planters. ive talked about it a lot how its really interesting in the first 2 books that the american planter is created both literally + vampirically by the european aristocrat.. and theyre both parasitic beings in relation to the enslaved people, eventually draining them+ burning the plantation down. iwtv early book louis is resentful of lestat in part bc he thought lestat wanted his plantation, but when he learns who lestat is + where he came from, the power and will he has. hes far more genial to him. its a very dark book, and i think the fact that these characters are so vicious + melancholic is intentional on the authors part. i dont know how much race based chattel slavery is meaningfully explored from the perspective of the slaveowner, but book louis thinking of people in his captivity as fixtures, as creepy ‘things’ more proximate to the supernatural bc of their ‘african nature’ (that had yet to be ‘trained’ out of them) is a very probable, chilling, and haunting perspective of a former slaveowner to take even a hundred and some years removed from it. or if we take it as book louis immersing himself in his perspective @ the time. either way. and its pathetic when fans try to flatten book louis into ‘he was a good slaveowner’ cuz at that point theyre just conflating the movie with the book. i kinda joke that book louis is the vampire it girl bc he was such a terrible mortal LOL. im still indeterminate on the exact mode or purpose, or how much it was just about the aesthetic of gothic horror (re: the earth’s a savage garden). especially bc later books fixate on very discrete modes and metaphors of servitude/subjugation ‘being a slave to the blood’ is a recurring motif running antiparallel with the motif of ‘purifying the african/asian/foreign’ (through ‘admixture’ with the ‘european’) (s/o poacher bro gabi + talamasca bro dave ig) and in later works, theres the cycle of slavery through marius & armand.. marius, whos mother was a slave, purchases armand. chattel slavery took inspo from the romans in the idea of maternal based slave caste inheritance.. idk. idk. ive had very long rambly convos w ppl on here in the past (& im still a bit embarrased abt it) on this, but i think the reasons why fans dont rly get into it is cuz most ppl got into these books at a young age + was just into the cool lore or the queer shit and were able to handwave things as just aesthetic/era/quirky anne things etc. idk.

#yn. #yn answers #iwtv #tvc #anne rice #‘Vampires increase thru slavery.’ #that being said. i do eventually wanna read feast for all saints& reread merrick and see what happened. between 1979 and 2000. #that comparative post needs to be made

[laprimera]

alrighty so after some reflection and getting some outside stuff prioritized Im done some blog housework so I can get comfortable here again.

im still gonna continue my hiatus until november cause the rest of October still has a lot of rl appointments and stuff going on. ill be nuking my ask and drafts to get into maximum turtle plot overdrive and just start things clean, but here's the skinny under cut:

. Ive went and cleaned up my followers list. mostly of inactive blogs, non-mutual or blogs that haven't reached out or interacted at all. I use to think I liked a busier dash but I think trying to keep up with it had been giving me anxiety even if my muses weren't involved in anything plot wise. FOMO has been really killing my vibe more then anything and I need to cut that habit out.

you're a-okay to refollow though! I'll do the same. none of this was done out of malice or a personal dislike, and I get being so busy w/ life and personal plots that you cant interact with everyone in a convenient moment. but if you see this as an opportunity to reach out then by all means! that and I might've accidentally unfollowed one or two of you cause side-blog deal, clumbsy thumbs, and uuh, dont mind me realizing that later down the line-my bad!

. unless carefully plotted otherwise, anything outside my own canons, affiliated blogs/mains or plots is no longer canon to my own. any interaction or thread initiated towards my muses will default fall into my lore/verse unless vice versa or its plotted and etc etc. It's no longer just hanging there in the void so to speak. I need to feel more in control of my own narrative I think and trying to puzzle a lot of contradicting outside plots, dash events, etc has been mentally taxing when rp shouldn't be occupying so much space or anxiety to begin with lol.

this isn't to say everything thats happening in the dash or w/ other characters isn't important ofc! and I still want to participate; it'll just fall under a crack/non-canon tag. if things end up lining up p' well with whats going on here then I might take it into canon. This is p' much what I've been doing to begin with, it's just more concrete now and Im being more careful of what Im willing to accept now. Im ofc open to discussing stuff! DMs and disco for those who have it are open always even if I take a moment to get to it!

. Im no longer answering anon asks that are personal in some way, ie, around subject matters that aren't general headcanons asks or 'hey how do you feel about-' sorta deal. I dont feel comfortable taking it to public and while I understand having the fear of being identified, it's not fair if I'm the only one bearing the subject so to speak. If you want to talk to me through DMs you can either tell me your UN (no burners either) so I can bypass permissions here to chat or you can reach me at @shiny-miltank where my IMs are not barred to mutuals only. I don't bite really! and my discord is not public. tbh Im still very anxious about being on disco to begin w/ cause social anxiety flare ups. idk tumblr dms always seemed easier to chat until I know you on a personal basis-its just worked that way.

. making it more strict that you dont? put my geeta in place of plots, events, etc that I havent participated or plotted with, nor can you make assumptions for them based on said events. as slapped on every piece on my about/rules/pinned/etc shes heavily canon-divergent to begin with so no one knows her intentions/actions (save for me ofc) and wont act in what presumed canon-geeta would do or your own version so to speak. easy enough to slap me an IM for "is it okay to-", plotting, or just make a nebulous npc stand-in.

. things that havent changed are the use of my lore and headcanons into your own! I love seeing it integrated or adapted into other lore and seeing just how much it inspires and changes over time!

this all seems rigid but really it's just reiterating whats already in my rules and no one here has been a huge offender at all :' ) this is more for me to follow and I cant thank everyone enough for their patience and creativity for as long as I've been here. Im loosey goosey and go with the flow 90 out of 100 times.

this goes for the rest of my muses, which Ill probably clean up when Im back-but yeah! miss ya'll! hope you've been doin' good! the terrapagos plot will continue then and Ill resume reaching out and leaving details! hopefully in time for dlc ; >

#ooc. ･ﾟ ✹ #queue. ･ﾟ ✹ #importante and stuff #sorry this is at 3 AM gdfgfd-this is like the only time Im awake ironically #but again ill be really back in november! see ya then!

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me. #utterly confused 💥

[hongthoven]

hiii i saw your requests are open and omfg- off topic but youre so pretty😞🫵 hongjoong would deffo be proud of himself for having you as his stan. NO JOKE.

Ahh also I've read almost every work youve done and your writing style, everything just- HOW YOU WRITE IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, I could go on reading everything written from you for hours!

Anywayy- again, I saw your requests are open and ahaha since Im not a writer, and I admire you like A LOT i really wanna share one of my scenarios these days and mayyybeee you could writeeee abouuuuttt itttt hehe (ofc if you want --I wont be mad if you never make it lol ill continue support your work!)

So- IM SO WHIPPED FOR SEONGHWA. Been loving my man for years now lmfao so you already know whos this aboutt~, anyway hehe, i was thinking maybe writing 9th member fem!reader ! Ateez (and reader included ofc ofc) are going on vacation in a really nice hotel, with beach outside, everything's perfect for the members to relax a bit from their busy schedule! Reader is also kind of bf and gfs with seonghwa? I mean everyone in the industry AND out of the industry ships them, call them power dynamic and stuff and, even before that, reader and hwa always had that tense. Yk, reader is prettt close with all of her members, they feel like big brothers to her but fucking Park Seonghwa is driving her AND HIM insane since training day. Reader though, is mostly closer with Mingi if not Seonghwa and they are so so touchy with each other, flirting but for fun and nuh uh girl Seonghwa is POSSESSED. Hes so jealous and he doesnt even hide it. Doesnt even try to hide it. He doesnt have a problem with Mingi but when he sees his hands all over you gosh he really wants to make him watch you getting railed by him.

+ its beach day and ateez decide to play shoulder fights? Chicken fight? Lol idk how to say it and Reader get paired with Mingi which causes Seonghwa watching her thighs all over Mingis face. Ahhh- JEALOUS MUCH. Let me add also that of course Seonghwa and reader share the same room so in their way back from the beach it was so tense. Lol- kind of vers2 from your hongjoong jealous bf fanfic. (I RLY LOVED IT BTW🥲)

Im so so sorry if I didn't give you my exact thoughts but- i trust you enough to make it your own~ adding your little details and everything. Youre so talented I dont think you need my details- I think i gave out the main parts!

Thank you so much for your time and I hope you have, will have and had a nice day<33 im so excited for your new works!

(English is not my first language btw so excuse me if something did not make sense)

(actual representation of me reading the beginning of that message-- please??? what if I'm kicking my feet in the air and squealing right now? that was adorable! thank you so much ♥ I'm nowhere near beautiful, what you see is the disgusting reflection of my neverending love for Kim Hongjoong, nothing moooore...!)

I'm so sorry it took me AGES to get this request done but it is finally posted ♥ here ♥ !

I hope you enjoy! Thank you so much for requesting and for your lovely words! ♥

#anon♥ #request #seonghwa request #ateez request #ateez smut

[preciouslandmermaid]

so as u guys know i went through a breakup in june. which was a good thing. i wasn’t invested in the relationship, i was unhappy, the honeymoon had faded, there were flags that i simply couldn’t ignore (both in him and myself!) and i knew i needed to return to my happiest state - being single and annoying online.

today, on the first day back of work, this motherfucker asks to talk to me afterwards and im like “yeah sure.” thinking that like we’re just gonna chat real quick in the parking lot. no. hes like “where can we meet.” and im like “idk starbucks i guess.” 

i’ve been keeping my distance from him because that’s what was best for ME. we literally haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was just trying to catch up, be friendly. i rationalized that since we were only together about 5 months, then it wouldn’t be completely weird to start being friends now that 2 months have passed since the separation. 

besties....he wanted to know if we could get back together. 😠 i was like ?????????? and he was like “well, we spent the summers working on ourselves” (bro ur still not in therapy so i disagree), and then he was like “i feel like we broke up because i was having such a hard time at work and was going through a hard time and it reflected on our relationship.” and i was like uhhh. and so i said a metaphor i was like “us getting back together would be like trying to complete a puzzle when you’ve lost pieces in the vacuum.” and he goes “OH WELL, relationships have their ups and downs! we could still find those pieces.”

i legit wish someone was recording my face. i was in shock. like when we broke up, i did tell him i hoped we could be friends, i told him i hoped we could be in each other’s lives and that maybe (and it’s a big maybe) we could reconnect in the far future. (but, i remember when i said this, i was only saying it to be nice. which was a mistake since it led me to this whole conversation). 

ANYWAYS. to make a long story short. i told him No. and he was like “why i dont understand. you said you loved me. how could you love me and then not love me anymore. this is really hurting my self-worth. i dont understand. what changed??”

and i just...didn’t engage really. i wasn’t gonna list all the reasons. i already did that when we broke up and he demanded answers. i told him that i didn’t feel the connection anymore. and i already know im hurting his feelings AGAIN. eventually i just said “i’m happier single.” and he was like “oh? so i won’t see you dating someone in six months?” and i was like “probably not?? but idk?” he also brought up an old interaciton we had waaay back in march and tried to gaslight me by saying i got defensive during it, but i literally wrote that interaction down beat by beat so i remember how it went because it made me feel so uncomfortable and was my first serious red flag. >:( you cannot trick me! 

we managed to end the conversation and i stayed firm within my boundaries even tho he looked sad/was tearing up and kept asking me for reasons (idk why being unhappy in the relationship isn’t a reason enough for him??) a few hours after i got home, he texted me and was like “Was everything you said earlier true? No lying to save my feelings?” and i texted him back and was like “Yeah, it was all true.” idk how i could’ve been any clearer. i think he just dislikes hearing things he doesn’t want to hear. (omg also he brought up bell hooks--someone i introduced him to!--and was like “are you just chasing the next high?” and i was like “??? idk ??” )

my friends keep telling me he was emotionally manipulative, but it’s hard for me to see it. maybe in time i will be able to. but again--im just proud of myself for not “cowering” and changing my mind because i’ve got a person in front of me who i do care about --and who is sad--who i could make happy by doing what he wants.

but that is no life worth living. i live for myself. for my own happiness. and i was not happy in the relationship. you don’t need any other reason to leave-- if you’re unhappy, you can just go. it’s fine. i think that’ll be the big lesson i takeaway from this whole debacle. 

#blue rambles #im TLDRing a lot of this interaciton #but im so proud of myself jsldfkjsdl

[flowersbark]

Holy shit. Okay. Hi. I’m also a csa survivor. I’m legit so desperate for anything sort of recognition on this issue I’ve been having for almost 2 years now. https://www.tumblr.com/flowersbark/740288973409288192/fellas-is-it-a-proship-to-project-cocsacsa-on

It relates to this post, except I am going to get EXTRA personal on this.

Tw for r//pe, gr///ming, Self-h//rm, and csa (obvsly)

Okay so I also really really reallyyy don’t like proshippers, I am hypersexual, and I have zero access to any sort of help atp in my life. Now that I have those things out of the way right now, I am essentially in a dilemma a lot like that post. One major problem, it’s not me JUST wanting to project, it’s me wanting to BE in that spot of the victim again for some reason. And I mean like srsly getting assaulted again and all that horrible stuff. Like, i THINK these ideas, thoughts, and urges I have are called “intrusive thoughts”?? But I’m not sure. I’m disturbed by them regardless.

This has been so frustrating to deal with bc first of all, I’m not a victim to gr//ming, second, yes, I am a victim of csa at a young age, and third, I find myself having some sort of YEARNING to be hurt in such a way. (Not cocsacsa, just to not let things get mixed up btw) I have looked around on the internet for so long about this issue and I find NOTHING on it, like, am I just going crazy? Am I trying to cope with it in the worst way possible? Like, I genuinely don’t know, and it drives me mad because on one hand, I have this massive theory that it’s a mental attempt of “self- h//rm”, and then on the other hand, it’s a bizarre extreme version of yearning for touch and affection, but I’m just so unsure because I can’t find any other personal accounts of anyone else!

I acknowledge that your post wasn’t about this oddly specifc scenario, and I’m so sorry that this is so out of pocket, and possibly even counterproductive (idk) but as another csa victim, would you be able to offer some sort of insight? Is that something I can even ask for on here? It’s okay if you can’t, or don’t want to, I fully understand if I just never see a response to this. I really hope things get better for you and that you’re a having at the very least, a decent day regardless. Thank you.

Also p.s., sorry for not being able to answer that question, I myself am also uncertain on a definite answer for that. Like, the most I can say is that I think it’s okay to explore unhealthy dynamics, so long as they’re both acknowledged as bad/unhealthy/traumatizing things, and not put out to the public since people can take/look at things and get weird and nasty🤢 (so generally just used in a private and secure setting)

HI !!! uhh

first off, yes you can ask for advice, insight, anything. thats why i made this blog, other than to just vent to strangers. second, thank you for giving me your opinion on the csa proship situation.

i do think what you're going through are intrusive thoughts, and i get those a lot too. especially about going through what i did again, or worse. i also fucking HATE those thoughts, especially because my mind makes it by people i know irl, especially classmate im close to. it makes me feel disgusting and like im sexualizing and making my classmates horrible people when they ARENT. intrusive thoughts arent a reflection of who you are, theyre a reflection of who you DONT want to be, thats why theyre so disturbing.

again, the almost yearning for it is intrusive. it's also a trauma response. like how people who are used to being mentally abused will seek out and be with people that will treat them like that, its kinda like that. its not a good way to cope, but its not the WORST. as the absolute worst would be repeating the cycle.

im sorry if this doesn't help, its kinda just my word vomit with no revisions,, but i hope it does. it gets better, i promise. keep going.

#cw cocsa #cocsa vent #cocsa victim #cocsa survivor #tw cocsa #csa vent #csa victim #cw csa #tw csa #cocsa advice #csa advice #cw vent #vent blog #vent post #tw vent #vent #sa survivor #sa vent #sa victim #sa trauma

[spaceyflowerswriting]

hello!! I love your writing, the soft vibes are exactly what this fandom needs after seeing all the horrific shit that's happened in the recent chapters. I saw your requests are open so may I ask for a gun x reader where they're just relaxing together? maybe a teeny tiny bit suggestive?? no pressure though, I know he can be difficult to characterize. thank you and have a good day <33

nighttime (gun park x reader)

details: oneshot, gender neutral reader but written in 2nd pov, general canon au, you and gun have been dating for a while already, i guess you both live in a house together ?? idk dont think too hard about it its only briefly mentioned in beginning

warnings: suggestive; sorry i think i went over mild because the ending has a heavy implication of how the night ended 🙏

summary: gun gets a day off tomorrow and tells you about it. also, he spends the night with you.

a/n: thank u for the request!! and sjdhshd im glad my writing's helping u cope(?) 😭😭 ngl im not caught up on latest ch since i read from webtoon only but ive seen some vague spoilers and yeah things arent looking too good 💔 especially gun's fashion LMAO

i'd agree gun is a bit difficult to characterize;; for me tho i just try to follow canon him but like... slightly more normal ??? i hope it works for u/isnt too ooc in ur eyes so this oneshot can still be enjoyable !! also i hope u have a good day too <33

btw shoutout to this post ; listening to the song they associated with gun helped me write this ^_^

×

Gun was more than happy to return home to you with the good news that he had no work for tomorrow. And once he told you, he was pleased to see your shared excitement.

"We should plan a date for tomorrow," he suggested, "What would you like to do?"

He listened intently as you described the activities you had in mind. Whether they were staying at home all day or venturing off into the city, he didn't care as long as it was quality time spent with you. He couldn't wait to devote himself fully to you tomorrow, but for now he had other ideas.

Before he could say anything, you lead him right to it by asking, "What about you? Anything you want to do tomorrow?"

"No, your plans sound just fine. But, I was thinking that for tonight we do what I had planned ever since I got the news that I'm having tomorrow off."

"And that would be...?"

Gun held up a keyring with his car keys, dangling them. "A late night drive around sound good to you?"

"Why not?" His smile reflected yours as he began to lead you out of the house.

~

Dirving around Seoul and seeing all the night lights was beautiful. The hushed bustling compared to the loudness during the day was also refreshing. Not to mention, the general dark blanket that came with nighttime--it was all relaxing to Gun, and even more so with you by his side.

Not much talking happened throughout the ride, but it wasn't awkward at all. Just a peaceful silence as you both enjoyed the cool air that breezed through the open windows of the car. Of course, the occasional conversations did take place but they were more like lighthearted smalltalk if anything.

While driving, Gun didn't have a fixed destination in mind, but when his random turns lead you both to a quieter part of Seoul, he slowed down and looked for a place to park. It ended up being the parking lot of some abandoned store, or at least it looked like it.

"Late night drive over?" You turned to him as he finished up parking.

He nodded. "Let's stargaze."

"On what grass? I'm not laying on the asphalt floor," you semi-joked, looking around at the street.

Gun just rolled his eyes in amusement. "Who said we're even leaving the car?" He got up with a bent back as to not bump his head on the car's roof before stepping over the car's controls. He then sat down on the second row seats and reached an arm up, grabbing a handle on the roof and pulling it back to reveal a glass roof.

Your jaw dropped momentarily.

"Come on." He waved you over and watched as you moved from your seat to join him in the second row. Once you did, he adjusted the seats so they laid parallel to the floor and you both flopped down at the same time. The two of you glanced at each other for a moment before softly laughing together.

After that came more peaceful silence as you both stared up at the stars. At some point, Gun moved his attention from the sky to you, and he was reminded of another reason why he preferred nighttime over daytime--it was the way moonlight shined on you, the way it added a special charm that highlighted your features.

"I want to show them my appreciation," he thought, hands suddenly aching to touch you. If he wasn't showing you love through gifts, it was definitely through his touch. He figured he might as well express the latter since there were no gifts around to give. Plus he was going to be free tomorrow anyway, why not stay up a little later with his lover?

Gun turned to lay on his side and put an arm over your abdomen, hand resting on your hip. "Hey."

"Mm?" You didn't turn to look at him, too busy admiring the stars. Not for long though, because the words he whispered in your ear made you jerk your head his direction and made your cheeks hotter than the sun. "Gun, we're in public," you practically hissed.

"This is a pretty secluded area. And I don't see anyone around. Do you?" He smirked when you couldn't reply. It only widened when you didn't stop him from sliding his hand up your shirt. "I need your vocal consent before I continue, dear."

Your breath hitched, and slowly you murmured, "By all means, Gun."

~

Nighttime sure was alluring to Gun, but not as much as you.

#lookism x reader #gun park x reader #gun park #oh my god i hope the car scene makes sense i was fighting for my life trying to describe it #anyways my queued up post of gun x reader with a mildly suggestive thing and then i have this request 😭 #i dont mind it at all ofc but its just funny that i have 2 gun writings and both are mildly suggestive #i get it tho hes very attractive 😳 #btw i hope u enjoyed my other gun writing <3 #jkbubs #requests

[stagefoureddiediaz]

really its because of you that ive become sort of. not obssesed but like whenever i watch the show i just. keep looking at the costumes! trying to look for the patterns in your theories and its become one of my favorite parts of this hahahah anyway, the point is i was reading some of your check theory posts earlier today and now i started rewatching animal instincts (mind you i havent read your costume meta for that ep, i shoumd have done my homework!) and it was just really interesting to see it play out perfectly! specially in the scenes with buck + connor and cameron. like, in the dinner scene buck (buck's in black, i already read that disscusion) but also connor was in check! and cameron's shirt had like a big floral pattern and all i could think about was how that was sort of a reflection on what they would bring to buck after that scene! (which also like, reinforces the idea that the sperm donor thing is a Bad Idea), then connor wearing check to buck's loft later, aaaand my favorite, which i actually spotted during my first watch, was the stripes haha (i also think like half my dash was people going insane over that last monday), and the fact that buck wasnt the only one wearing the stripes, but i dont remember exactly what was the difference between vertical and horizontal stripes rn hahaha because ofc buck saying yes to the donation is supposed to be this big life change for connor and his wife, but i dont know what it all means! im just here chilling and spotting the patterns. idk, your costume theory is stuck on loop in my head and i cannot stop thinking about it!

(and im not even gonna get into the slutty black tanktop of it all and chris's new patterned pjs! thats a job for the professionals)

how did i do? did i get the assignment right? hahahaha anyway thank you for helping me and all of us actually to appreciate the art and thought that goes into costume design, its really interesting to me and i wouldnt have started to learn more about it if it werent for you 💛 have a great weekend and see you next monday!!

jj / babygirldiazz

JJ/ babygirldiazz

I'm so sorry its taken me an age to reply to this! real life got a bit crazy for the last 10 days or so - fighting literal and metaphorical floods and fires at work so I just haven't had the brain power to go through my inbox properly until now!

I adore that you are having fun playing spot the patterns and see if they fit the theory. I hope you're now read the Animal instincts costume meta and that you enjoyed it. you're pretty spot on with your analysis of everything and the thing with stripes is that my theory is about the horizontal ones we see on lots of characters - which Conor was the one wearing in that scene.

The vertical stripes is a specific Buck thing, and they tend to accompany him being emotionally compromised (and invariably ending up making a less than stellar choice). This is really interesting and I've only just fully put two and two together on this (so JJ you get all the praise and gratitude for allowing me to spiral and go on a little Buck costume trawl) but the shooting is the first time we see Buck in vertical stripes.

And thats big - really big - because that is the moment Buck becomes emotionally compromised in a way that he hasn't been able to come back from. Everything that has been and is going on with buck stems back to the shooting. The shooting lead to a host of other choices that were less than ideal - things that he wouldn't have done, choices he wouldn't have made, if the shooting haddn't happened - letting Taylor into his life, saying ILY to her, moving her into his apartment, etc etc etc. all stem from the shooting and all are times when Buck is wearing stripes.

The ones from Let the games begin fit into this pattern - the zip front denim shirt and then the cream shirt both tie into Bucks reluctance to get a new couch - and the questioning of who he is and what he wants - the fact that he's essentially in stasis - and hasn't fully moved on with his life - leading to him trying out self help books etc as a way of figuring out what he wants from life - this is a trauma response in so many ways and those shirts are our sign - a theme the costume designers are using to tell us, the audience, that Buck isn't doing great - that he is mentally unwell and it's why these vertical striped shirts are becoming more frequent in their appearance - because he's not getting better - he's getting worse - spiralling more.

Thats why I've only just been able to really get my head around their use on Buck in the last couple of episodes - it can sometimes take a little while to figure out what a designer is trying to say with patterns and styles, and this is no exception. I fully expect us to be seeing more Buck in vertical stripes going forward until he either fully breaks down, or until he is able to start healing properly - and I'm pretty confident we won't see him stop wearing them until the shooting has been talked about by Buck and Eddie. Its sitting there hanging over them and this show is all the levels of insane and clever for the way they are using all the tools at their disposal to provide clues and information for those of us who want to spend the time looking.

Just going to sit here and feel even more feral about the shooting of it all than I already was!

I hope you have an amazing week JJ and feel free to pop into my inbox whenever you like - you've made my day!

💜💜💜

#kym answers things #JJ asks #babygirldiazz asks #spiralling about Buck and vertical stripes o'clock #I've finally connected the dots #911 on fox #911 spoilers #911 fox #911onfox #911 #evan buckley #buck #buddie #Buck and vertical stripes #they need to talk about the shooting #911 costume meta #I love the wardrobe team #911 wardrobe team keep on giving us the goods #kym costume meta #JJ this post is being added to my master pinned costume post - for posterity

[vhvrs]

im genuinely confused, why refer to a character you 'made' trans with she/her pronouns?

i say 'made' because they seem like OCs that use league lore?

im asking out of genuine curiosity, sorry if this is mean

its a fair question, no worries!

its... kinda hard to explain and i haven't prior bc while i use she/her (and they/them) for my vik, i generally dont care nor want to tell anyone what to refer to them as bc the original point of my viktor was that they do not clarify their pronouns or gender bc they dont care. i just... kindve went off on my own thing a bit lol.

so that's one reason ig?

my academy viktor is also intended to be this really tricky period where they know they arent cis but arent willing nor in a space to explore it further than through jayce. she/her has a level of safety when coming fully out is scary and, again, dont really want to think abt it too hard. on top of her only real means of exploring being trans being through jayce alone in their dorm n hes already seeing them as transmasc despite presentation and pronouns so a need to explore further isnt really a priority.

another reason that trying to deconstruct the gender behind certain things like pronouns can just feel really good. she/her can be feminine or it can be masculine or it can be neither! viktor and jayce have that understanding n i mean me as the guy behind it does too lol. (n my mh using it is just extending that safety n gendervoid further now that they have a body they feel more comfortable in and can wear that she/her w a sort of pride? something thats now hers to do with whatever and bc by then most ppl default to he/they so she/her becomes something no longer normative and able to become unattached to their afab. she can weaponize she/her now in a way they only got to test out as pre-herald?)

another, another reason is tldr i was a really awkward she/they transmasc when i first came out n it feels good to explore what that felt like through viktor, you know? (that was my original intention for her at all actually...) n get more comfortable in still being a kindve gnc they/he through a character who took their afab scenerio to the furtherest it can go and let it remain a valid agender thing. that kindve tints a lot of why i do that i guess + being in very... genderfuckery free for all spaces where this stuffs just very normal.

i usually tend to go out here to a certain extent with characters i relate to or like ie making them nonbinary, changing pronouns, and presentations (making them into ocs rip not denying the oc with league paintover allegations) this is just an extra step for me personally to have a safe, contained space to explore gender stuff myself... its a nice feeling to have created a scenerio where she/her doesnt void being transmasc/agender or can... idk enhance it even?? idk im not trying to reflect the nauces of reality rn im just trying to have fun.

this is v long winded bc im tired n felt this needed a proper explanation so. thank you if you understand this and i appreciate you asking bc id rather ppl just ask vs possibly get more confused not knowing my intentions n mindset. take care ♡

#me when i drop this horribly ooc thing tomorrow #sorry sorry #but yeah idm answering questions abt stuff im doing like this i understand ppl arent orivy to the wheels churning/my 4am private twt rants #also just enjoy gender play n the scenerios vik n jayce can end up in bc of them #also ngl she/they discourse was frankly really disrespectful n annoying last yr in a way that made me reflect on being a former one #n tyen boom viktor.

[dreamingofthedteam]

so i saw the video and im really happy for dream and that he can finally leave this entire thing behind him get it off his shoulders and just go on ahead and post mc content (ALSO YAY MINECRAFT DREAM BACK IN 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOO)

the thing that saddened me the most about this was the doxxing and swatting stuff. like that is a very horrible thing to have to go thru. that shit is not a joke i imagine, living in a country that is notorious for an overpowered police force. and i hope to fucking god that what dream predicted (that this shit is going to get out of the mcyt space and into other yt communities over time) will not turn out to be true. the story about sapnap moving in with him so that he can answer the door to the fucking police while hes live just..its depressing man. and god i hadnt ever even heard of the time he got swatted while george was live that was a fucking jumpscare he must have been so worried

but. also. i think its time for, well me atleast, to self reflect a bit? ig? for context im talking about the end of the video where he restated his boundaries. im not someone who likes to stay in the problematic parts of the internet. i run from drama like its the wildfire from asoiaf. ( i also have caved in and posted abt neg stuff im not denying anything but i try to limit to private posts) and to think that i in any way could be on the wrong side of this all by shipping dnf? it gives me a bit of self doubt, ngl. i dont know if what i do would be classified as "srs shipping" or i would be put into "/srs dnf truther" by others, but i def thought and kinda still think 'oh dnf real' and now i just dont know where i stand..? i definitely need to think on it a bit. also i think i have interacted with nsfw art on this blog before, and goddamit i cant even check coz stupid me didnt even bother to tag properly, but from now on all nsfw art (not that i expect there to be many more) will be properly tagged. and if its not just tell me (idk who even is reading this anymore but whatever). as to dnf posting? idk. ill have to wait and see the general mood on here

and also like, that bit def has left a sour taste in my mouth AND IM NOT SAYING THATS DREAMS FAULT but its just...its tough man. dream having to change his mindset on fan spaces because of all this just saddens me a lot. and him saying that has then changed MY mindset on fandom, especially rpf, as someone whose both primary fandoms are rpf. i hope maybe in the future dream is able to engage on a more positive level and not have to just cut himself off from it entirely (im not sad abt him leaving twitter like, good riddance bitches, but i think i'll just miss a random tweet from him to wake up to)

#i was just thinking of this the entire time i got up after watching the video when i was (trying to) fix my stupid throat and its cough #ie general human things that have to be performed to stay human like eat breakfast (i only had an apple why am i so lazy) so i can take med #((i will have proper lunch i swear to god)) #and i just had to write it all out to make any sense of it all #like idc if no one reads this really its long and even more ramblier than usual #anyway idk just thoughts #(do not anyone send me anon hate tho pls im not in a mood to negatively debate abt this with anyone) #((you can ask me any questions nicely tho :) )) #now lets see what some of my beloved (affectionate) people have said on here

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, so i want to ask you something. I have been in a 'friendship' with one of my friend. She have lots of problem like trust issue, abandon issue, father and mother issue, also feel related to yanderes and etc. There times I try to ask her to go to a pyschiatrist and a therapist but she reject it cause of her not wanting to talk to a stranger and tell them about her problem but ya.

Everytime she vent it always drains me inside like at the first time she vent I try helping her but she always denies ir but now its been months she been venting to me and everytime i see her chat I always get drained. Idk what to do tbh, like im glad she feel comfortable to me to open up her problem but it also makes me guilty that i feel drained cause of her venting to me. I give her advice, she reject it. She has said that she knows her way of thinking is bad but she also says she doesnt want to change her mindset. Tbh ya i try my best to listen to her but its damn hard to do. Both of us is still young and I tbh dont know what to do anymore.

Soo I want to ask what should I do, I'm glad she's comfortable to open up but i felt guilty that I'm mentally tired hearing her. Im also curious on have you experienced like this ? And also I like to apologize if this doesnt make sense. Thank you in advance ^^

------------------------

Question for reflection: Do you genuinely believe that you are an equal member of a relationship? Are your needs, preferences, and wants just as important as the other person's? If you answer 'yes' to these questions, then your beliefs should inform your decisions, so where is the proof of your principles? What actions have you taken to assert your needs, preferences, and wants?

If you say "nothing" (so far) because you feared creating a conflict and/or hurting your friend, then it is a lie that you see and treat yourself as an equal member of the relationship. Her behavior is having a harmful effect on you and has been for awhile, but you kept putting yourself aside to satisfy her needs?

If you wait until you are close to "fed up" before doing anything, how do you think the communication will go, considering the pent up resentment/anger you then harbor? You are more likely to play a "blame game", which will make it very difficult for the both of you to discuss and negotiate calmly and maturely. This is why it is of the utmost importance that you learn to confront relationship problems as soon as possible. The longer you leave them, the more they fester. A lot of relationships break up for seemingly trivial reasons because those "trivial" things went unaddressed and became unnecessarily severe problems.

Healthy relationships need to have a sense of equal give-and-take. When your needs go unsatisfied, your preferences dishonored, and/or your desires dismissed, it is incumbent upon you to speak up and advocate for yourself, in order to right the imbalance. Ideally, this should be done through skillful communication, please consult the article about Communicating Through Conflict.

Two people are bound to run into some differences and disagreements at some point. A vital aspect of friendship is a willingness to readjust behavior as necessary to prevent harm and keep the relationship in a healthy space. If you meet someone who's stubbornly unwilling to examine the ways in which they hurt/harm you and refuse to change for the better, they are not your friend and not worth your continued investment of time, feeling, and energy.

It's neither your duty nor your job to be a therapist or a nanny for people. These caregiving tasks do NOT fall under the role of "friend". That said, an important part of friendship is lending each other help and support, but it has to be within reasonable and mutually agreed upon bounds. Psychological problems of the kind you list are serious matters that require specialized expertise to address. You do not have that professional expertise, and even if you did, you do not owe it to a friend to provide it, because there should be a healthy boundary between personal and professional life. Also, without the right expertise in psychology, your "help" has the potential to be harmful rather than helpful, because you don't know what you're doing.

Respect your needs and boundaries, which means you have to be aware of what is/isn't acceptable to you and where you will draw the line to protect your own well-being.

Communicate your needs and boundaries in a respectful, responsible, and matter-of-fact manner, as soon as the problem arises, before negative emotions get the better of you.

Make a reasonable request of people to fulfill your needs and honor your boundaries (out of care/love for you).

The rest is in their hands. You can't control how other people behave or react. All you can do is communicate to the best of your ability and hope that people meet you halfway for reaching a suitable compromise.

Listening to people's problems, empathizing with them, comforting them, helping them, etc, costs you mental energy and brings you emotional hardship. When you are required to control and manage your emotions for the sake of other people's well-being, it is called emotional labor. A friend isn't entitled to your emotional labor nor should they demand it from you; you should choose to give it willingly, out of love and care.

However, you are just one person, with limited energy and capacity to perform emotional labor. Thus, when you have reached your limit, it's up to you to inform people and stop them from violating your personal boundary. Simply convey that, while you value the friendship and are willing to offer what help you can, there is a limit as to how much emotional labor you can perform, and you hope they can care for your well-being in return by not pushing you past your limits.

#communication #friendship #conflict #assertiveness #self respect #boundaries #emotional labor #help #comforting #relationships #ask