#my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

smileymoth · 2 months

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No i hate actually how much my dad has shaped me into a person and how i interact with things. I hate that i'm just like him sometimes and i express my feelings in the exact same dysfunctional way sometimes. That i lash out in anger sometimes. That i hate when people do things the "wrong" way. I hate that i had to fear him every weekend when he came home because what if the rooms werent clean enough and he would yell or be mad. I hate that i had to walk around eggshells around him when he was in a bad mood so he wouldnt yell at me, and i hate it more that it still fucks me up to the point that i run away when someone is upset bc im afraid of them. I hate that i would have such horrid anxiety abt him coming home on the weekends or staying at home for longer that i wished he hadn't come in the first place. I hated so much how he would twist my moms words, and read through all her messages and browse through all her history and shit on her and me for how long we both spent on the computer so i learned to delete history to get away with more computer time. I hate how one time he slapped me so hard on the thigh that it left a bruise but he denied it later so i have no fucking clue if it actually happened because hes never been physical w me and my mom but i remember it so vividly. It was 1 time and never again and in 3rd(?) Grade and i still remember it every now and then. I dont like it that i hated being at home because 80% of the time they were fucking arguing with my mom in the kitchen over something HE made up because HE was jealous of my mom or didnt like sth that my mom did bc HE didnt like it. He caused her so much grief and she had to put up with it and i followed suit because i wanted him to like me so i was nasty to my mom to please him. I had to listen to him rant abt mom and just nod along because i didnt know what to say. And then he started getting better and he wasnt so argumentative anymore so me and my mom were like omg hes changing. And then he fucking died. And i had to watch him die at the hospital while repeating to myself he will be fine becwuse hes a big strong man who has never been sick so he MUST survive, all while doing homework for logo class. And i woke up on tje morning of the 28th dec at 5am with the thought that my dad is probably dead. I brushed it off like haha im just anxious and went to sleep again. He died at 4am. I knew, i felt it.

And now i miss him so often because he was just misguided and didnt know how to deal with his emotions properly. But he still hurt me so bad and my mom even more from what shes told me. And i dont hate him at all even though i would be so scared of him id be nauseous and id cry before he came home bc i was so scared he woild be mad at me. i love him so much but i see him in my dreams so often and hes always so mean and rude in them and it sucks because i miss his hugs and i want him to hug me again and make jokes with me till im crying and i want to wake up on a saturday and go to tje kitchen to see him watching a russian youtube video about construction or "тор 10 момент" compilations while he eats his megapacked mayo grill sandwich and then he turns the water to boil so i could have tea. I want my dad to calm me down again because he was the only person who could do it at times. I want to be like hey dad im struggling with schoolwork can i just sit next to you and brainstorm out loud until i come up with something and yiu can help me think. Hey dad look im knitting a sock hahah yeah i know im crazy for that haha yeah. I miss him but i dont miss tjat he was so awful all tje time. Why couldnt he just be normal why did he have to be a controlling little freak who wanted everyone to do just as he wanted it to happen. And now wjenever sth happens i always find a way to connect it to my dad without wanting to. I hate it. I dont want to think of him as much because all my thoughts about him are so confusing and complex because of the person he was and it makes me feel worse and more confused and yet also nothing. Im happy my dad is dead because my mom is in a much happier relationship right now and i no longer fear coming home because What If hes in a Bad Mood and therfor walking too loud will make him yell. And then he will claim he didnt. While he clearly did

#moth post #dad thoughts #i need 2 sleep

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sanchoyo · 2 years

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ok some Free Range bnha thoughts. I think I left off around 300 when I paused reading it week to week so I started at 290 to Refresh. obviously, spoilers below the cut , but I'm not saying anything that hasnt been said b4 probably. just My Thoughts. turns out I wasn't like, 80 chapters behind but roughly 30-40, which is. A lot less thank GOD. but yes these are my thoughts (mostly typed as I went, borderline liveblogging lol) as I just binged and caught up completely ✌

-afo needs to Not Be a BodySnatching DICKBAG!!!! love spinners lil moment of wtf. youre not who im following </3 same bestie get your boyfriend and run!!! or pick up ur sword and Stab afo. whichever.

-I really have mixed feelings on the whole todoroki situation that im reserving to talk in depth about until the manga finishes because, im not sure if this is true but ive heard its near its end, and I'd like to see how they tie it up and 'resolve' that situation before being too harsh. but for now: rei was brave to go in the hospital room and talk to endeavor. I think bb touya is SUCH a sad situation. I just feel bad for all of them UGH. my kids now.

-the talk w the ofa users in dekus mind had me kinda laughing, it looks like a kingdom hearts cutscene w the THRONES. also deku quitting school, oof. the series is called my hero ACADEMIA NOT MY HERO DROPOUT!!! (i can make this joke as a dropout. deku 🤝me dropping out I guess) Nana asking if he could kill shigaraki HURT I KNOW SHE DOESNT WANT HIM TO EITHER BUT STILL. READING IT HAD ME LIKE NOO!!! NO!!!!! very happy with dekus answer tho. good egg. u better not. trusting u deku. dont

-first ofa user Pretty. they said his name and I immediately forgot it <3

-dekus vigilante look is SOOO SICK THE EYES MAN!!! obsessed. also all might basically acting as support/sidekick is SOOO good. making him eat n stuff. Dad Alert.

-im glad they brought back some of the villains in the jail break!! it was a rly nice way of showing dekus progress, like the muscular fight was so hard for him way way back when and he just basically took him out super fast/easily now..the Progress!!! I love to see it.

-lady nagant top 10 girlbosses. hawks wishes he was her. chad nagant vs virgin hawks etc etc shes what I wanted his character to be (im not...super disappointed w hawks bc I never 100% believed hed go bad fr like some ppl did, but I loved the fanworks that explored it, and shes basically the Defected Ex Hero I wanted...and shes VERY PRETTY and I am very much a lesbian, so I love her. Her colors too!! are cotton candy colors!!!! and shes got the Guns (literally and also Muscles!!!) she looked afo in the face without flinching and was like oh why Should I Help u U Bastard, no fear at all. even if she ended up working for him or whatever for a few chapters. still A Queen <3 a very small screentime queen but. women in shonen mangas. u know.

-class 1A literally Fighting To Get Deku to Come Home and Bathe. is touching and very sad. the power of friendship plots always GET ME. URGH. BAKUGO!!!!!!! APOLOGIZING!!!!!!! ITS FINE THIS IS F I N E "SAVING PEOPLE IS HOW WE WIN" GOD THE CHARACTER DEVOLPMENT!!! BAKUGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;O;

-I know we've seen it before (or partially) but thirteen has an incredibly cute face. it has to be said

-NAME a more iconic duo than uraraka and that bigass megaphone

-ragdoll SPOTTED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-and the guy from the very first chapter!!! this dude has always been the real mvp. hes stll being nice and supportive. king. give him a spinoff

-im glad they explained why kurogiri(and, bc we havent seen them, im assuming also gigantomachia and compress?? are also there or somewhere thats kept private??) werent in the jailbreak (that they carted them off elsewhere) I was wondering abt that...

-all the callbacks really makes this arc feel FINAL. my god, even the woman all might saved from kamino is back!!! I knew abt stain coming back (tho I didnt know exactly what hed do) but seeing HER got me for some reason. anyway. gay icon stain . also feminist ally stain (slitting the 'woman collector' guys throat) we have no choice but to stan

-tsukauchi stubble???? ok??? its a look I guess. is all might into it

-'shigaraki tomura will be a Complete Vessel in three days time' NO THE FUCK HE WONT!!!! STOP THAT. THATS ILLEGAL

-THE WAY STARS AND STRIPES IS DRAWN MORE LIKE A WESTERN COMIC IS SUCH A NICE TOUCH LMAOOO SHES SO AMERICAN. HER QUIRK IS INSANE ALSO. ALSO SHES FROM THE MOVIE WHAT?? I REMEMBER HER. god they really are bringing every nameless minor character back im EMO

-...has spinner just been stuck in a cave with afo. stuck with him, sassing him. this is hilarious to me for some reason god I would be at my fucking limit. spinner stay strong you amazing wonderful funky guy. wheres the rest of the league. LOOK at spinners face, hes so done with this I cant. this is the Most Important Thing.

-'the one who SPINS this tale' look I know its a line from afo but that RULES and hes right. spinner is SO important. stan spinner or Die

-god, the league members basically being promoted to being cult leaders/borderline WORSHIPPED 'hold them sacred, endow them with divinity' thats SO RAW I'm!!!! losing it like they all came from nothing now theyre SYMBOLS. my god. spinner doesnt even seem happy about it, none of the league members they were showing looked remotely happy. Makes U Think...

hot. next question (wait is it weird to simp when hes partially afo. hm.) (also that HAIR GROWTH!!!!!! NEVER CUT IT NEVER NEVER NEVER.) it spontaneously grew after I typed that, so consider ME pleased

-YESSS MR WORLDWIDE COME TAG AMERICA WE LOVE U HERE. ABSOLUTE JOY. sorry about the fact ur fused with afo rn and will possibly have uhh. identity related crisises and traumas from this later but. glad u look like ur havin fun :')

-damn america getting his ass. im so sorry :( (but also, kicking afo ass which is a good thing?? SOO conflicted I dont want tomura to die but afos gotta GO)

-again, hot, which is conflicting bc afo is very much also present, but, cmon, its tomuras body and face....n probably at least 25-50% tomura still...:/

-im...glad?? they delayed the complete fusion?? but owchie. at what cost to my boy :(

-the scene with afo patting shigaraki (who is thrashing around on the floor) parallels the scene of that happening when afo had taken in shigaraki at first and he was on the floor crying and wanting to kill those random alley thugs!!! that has to be intentionally calling that back, right? the imagery is very similar. again, loving the callbacks

-I rly thought they were gonna make invigirl the traitor and i was like ok who Cares abt that tho. then they did a lil switcharoo and made it MY BOY AOYAMA?? MY SWEET SON WHO I SHARE A BIRTHDAY WITH??? WHAT THE FUCK!!! HOW DID I NOT GET SPOILED ON THIS?? I remember the cheese stuff and being like haha good red herring. FUCK!!! NO!!!! hes such a good boy im WEEPING. HE WAS ORIGINALLY QUIRKLESS TOOOOO NOOOO!!! baby. babyboy. hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever, and omg invisible girls FACEEEE SHES SO CUTE. but god. aoyama. and dekus reaction to his whole story and still reaching out to him I AM. EMO. the drama of it alllllll . hes literally one of my fav student characters in this class and HAS BEEN FOREVER bc I love his whole knightly costume and SPARKLES and this just made him SKYROCKET FURTHER ON MY LIST OF CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. hes so so so good. I need everyone to take a moment to just. Appreciate him.

now

appreciate

HER

-THIS is what absolute perrfection looks like. look at her!!! her belt is a cat. cat girls always win and save the day.

-toga sucks her own blood as a ?? comfort thing?? thats. should I say cute?? would it be weird to call that cute. would it be weird to say dabi burning her house down was also very cute, and nice, because she said it too, so like. very nice of him. top 10 reasons hes not Totally Lost: hes Nice to His Friends :)

-spinner being the...new symbol/leader in redestros place is SO???? UGH. UGHHH. HES ALWAYS BEEN A FOLLOWER AND NOW HES JUST BLINDLY FOLLOWING ORDERS TO BE MADE A SYMBOL, OR WHATEVER, I GUESS. very sad and I feel like him saying 'it doesnt matter what I think, this cant be stopped' are u implying u want to stop it. u can. u gotta. reach out to him man u HAVE TO BE THE ONE!!! its the bakugo/kiri kamino situation all over again. even if deku has to guide u it HAS TO BE U!!!! STOP FOLLOWING AND THINK FOR URSELF!!! U CAN DO IT!!!!!! 'anyone can become someone elses hero' YEAH HES GONNA. U BET HES GONNA. I BELIEVE IN HIM!!!

-....YOU NAMED YOUR STRONGHOLD TROY???...ALRIGHT. SURE. THATS FINE AND NOT WORRYING. I mean we already KNOW the war is gonna Go Down But. cmon man. CMON.

-togachako REAL

-shouto is too good for this world he wants to go to dinner w his big bro :( DABI COME HOME 2K22

-im sure ppl have figured out theories about this before but, something about the way they phrased it when they were wondering why afo needed tomuras rage (and why he was always smiling, implying smth is Fucking Wrong with Him, besides all the Murder and Crimes) had me like. hm. are we.. actually going to get more afo backstory at all or an in depth explanation for that? I'd kind of like to, even if I think its fine if we don't because we Get The Gist and idk how much the creator wants us to sympathize/understand his character beyond the ~evil demon king~ (and thats not me saying he needs anything beyond that, tbh not every villain needs it and esp not the big bad in a lot of cases) but. this story, esp in this last arc has us AND the main characters sympathizing with the villains a Lot and exploring why theyre like that, and it makes me wonder if theyll extend that to him at all, or just, keep trying to Get His Ass. And we do know togas quirk is the reason shes Like That, so it doesnt feel like a stretch to say afos quirk is why hes Like That also. (NOT ME SAYING HE NEEDS ANYTHING LIKE REDEMPTION DEAR GOD. AFTER WHAT HES PUTTING MY BOY THRU. ARGH. deku would have to be a SAINT. which he is, but...) actually, proof of this is also just. him going after star and stripes quirk KNOWING tomuras body wasnt finished, even saying it was a risk but basically being like. 'well..but... I WANT it. even if i know its dangerous to get it Right Now. But I want it Right Now.' as a reason KJDSHKJASNJ its very likely thats the case. quirks being a very literal nurture vs nature exploration I guess?

-very glad I typed all the above out WHILE reading bc if I wouldve waited, I wouldnt have had a coherent thought. its almost 5 AM but I am...caught up. And about to look at leaks before I sleep >:")

#this got SOOOO LONG HSDFAKJDSH TURNED INTO A LIVEBLOG HALFWAY THRU I THINK #again im sure its all been said before but not by ME and i like documenting my thoughts (tm) so i can come back to them #when the series is further in/over and see if my opinions or thoughts change at all #also a lot of this is me being 'omg spinner omg tomura omg ragdoll' so. this isnt exactly well thought out meta post or whatever its just #me . reacting to things and getting back into bnha #i want to see. the new movie....#when can i pirate. yargh #i havent checked actually. is it online??? ill look later today i guess #i will probably end up getting very very attached to minor movie only characters. rip </3 #sanchoyorambles #bnha #bnha manga spoilers

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peacedolantwins · 4 years

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Resentment (G.D)

When you and Grayson first got together, it was like a dream come true. He was your prince charming ready to be everything you ever wanted, but instead of a horse and carriage, it was with a baby blue porshe.

He would pick you up and take you out just about anywhere. Theater, movies, fancy restaurants, anything. You weren’t in the relationship for the money and fancy things, you would have been just as happy watching netflix back at the house or just sitting in a park talking, but he always insisted on going out.

“A beautiful girl deserves beautiful things,” he would always say.

And while you knew the truth, any time the fans saw you two out somewhere expensive or going shopping, they were quick to call you a gold digger.

Grayson would see the comments and tweets and at first he just ignored them. But after a while, he started thinking.

Were you just with him for the money?

So he stopped.

He stopped buying you gifts, he stopped with fancy dinners, he stopped just about everything,

And you didnt mind. You didnt need fancy jewelry or clothes he would get you. As long as you got to spend time with him, the man who you loved, you didnt care.

But then things started to change.

When you two would hang out and you offered to go to the mall and walk around and maybe do some shopping he looked at you like you just offended him.

“Not Rodeo?” he raised a brow.

“I mean, if there was something you wanted to buy there, we can go.” You really werent a fan of going there since everything was way more than you could afford on your own. But if he had planned on buying something, you were okay with going with. You could go to the mall later.

So you two went and he was quick to head straight to the designer stores. You two separated while in the store. While he was picking out things he could actually afford to buy, you were simply window shopping.

You lost track of time when you felt Grayson reach out and touch your arm. Thats when you noticed he already paid.

“You already paid?” you glanced at the bag.

“Yeah, you didnt buy anything?”

“No?” you were confused about why he was asking. You never bought anything when you came to stores like this. You werent about to drop your rent check on something that honestly looked kind of ugly in your opinion.

“Hm figures,” he rolled his eyes at you.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, lets go,” he walked ahead of you, leaving you to follow after him.

It went on like this for over a month, him making small remarks when you wouldnt drop an insane amount of money for something. But you got used to it. You didnt let it get to you. Until he did something you thought he would never do.

You woke up late after having spent the night with Grayson in your apartment to find your jewelry box open. You figured you must have forgotten to close it the last time you put something in and you shrugged it off and got ready for the day.

But as you did your makeup you couldnt help but feel something was wrong. You walked over to the box and thats when you noticed it.

The box was nearly empty.

A few of your earings and a few bracelets were there but all of the jewelry Grayson had gotten over the course of your relationship was gone.

And so was your grandmothers ring she left to you.

You started looking around, thinking maybe Grayson might have knocked the box over this morning and everything just fell out, but there was nothing on the floor anywhere. You were starting to panic when you heard your front door open and saw Grayson come in.

“Grayson did you knock over my jewelry this morning?”

“You mean the jewelry I paid for?”

“Sure, whatever, yeah, but did you knock it over?” You didn’t even care about the remark about him paying for it all, you just needed to know what happened.

“I pawned it,” he said casually.

“You what?” you felt your heart drop.

“Its not like you wore it anyway.” While that was true, its not like you didnt wear it because you didnt like it. You had a tendency to lose everything and you werent about to risk losing a bracelet over a thousand dollars while going to the grocery store.

“Did you take my ring?”

“Which one?”

“Grayson this isnt funny! Did you take my ring? The one with the diamond?” you were scared to hear his answer.

“The one I got you? Yeah.”

“You didnt get me that one, Grayson! That was my grandmothers ring! You have to get it back!” you were beyond upset right now.

“So you seriously want me to go buy you the ring now?” he asked annoyed.

“It wasn’t yours to sell! Why would you even take it!”

“Well you better get to it before someone buys it,” he shrugged.

You looked at him in complete shock. You couldnt care less about the other jewelry, but that ring was important to you. It was the one thing you had left from the woman you spent the majority of your childhood with since your parents were always working.

“Grayson, I cant afford to buy it back!” you had gotten it appraised when you first got it and when you found out how much it was worth, you never wore it.

“Then figure it out!” He couldn’t believe how you were acting about it. Hes worn a full outfit that costs more than that ring so he didnt understand why it was such an issue.

You looked at him in complete shock.

“Unbelievable.” you muttered as you slipped on your shoes and you were out the door as soon as you had the address to the store he took it to.

You quickly found it, driving probably more than the speed limit and parked. You walked in and the man behind the counter asked if he could help you find something. After describing the ring to him he motioned you over to one of the cases.

“Yes! That one, how much is it?” you tried to mentally prepare yourself for the price he was about to say.

“That one is going to be $7,899.”

You closed your eyes and did your best to stop the tears from forming. You knew you couldnt even put it on your credit card because you had a $2,500 limit set.

“Would you be able to hold it for me? Just for today while I go to the bank,” you pleaded with him.

“The most I can give you is until four today,” he explained.

You quickly glanced at the clock behind him and started to panic. It was already twelve, and you knew the bank was closed until one, which meant you had two and a half hours at the most to go and get the loan you needed to buy it back.

“Ill be back in by then,” you gave him your information and you started your drive to the bank.

Once you arrived you sat in your car and did your best to keep your composure as you waited for it to open back up. As soon as the clock hit one you practically ran in and waited for one of the employees to tend to you.

A kind looking woman came from the back rooms and called your name and introduced herself as the person who would be helping you.

She had you fill out paperwork and once you were done she put all the information into the computer. She said it would take a little while for the credit report to come in and she left you sitting there in her office while she went elsewhere.

It was already 2:15.

It was three o’clock when she came back in and told you it all went through and you were approved. You rushed through the final paperwork with a few signatures where needed and you were out the door and driving back to the pawn shop.

You quickly found the same man who helped you from earlier and you bought back the ring.

When you got to your apartment building you sat in your car with your head resting on the steering wheel.

Looks like you were back to living the same way you did through college. Ramen noodles and cereal for every meal from now on.

You glanced around the parking lot and noticed the stupid baby blue car was no where around. Good, because you didn’t want to deal with him right now.

The next few days you found yourself at the restaurant you worked at picking up every shift you could. You had been ignoring calls from Grayson and Ethan too once he started calling you.

You didn’t have time to deal with any of them. You had an eight thousand dollar loan to pay back.

It wasn’t until the two of them walked into the restaurant and got seated in your section when you had to finally deal with them.

“Hi my name is Y/n, I’m gonna be your server today, can I get you something to drink?”

“Y/n? It’s us you don’t have to be all hospitality with us,” Ethan was confused as to why you were being so formal with them.

“We have water, tea, and pepsi products,” you placed the menus in front of them.

“Um, just water, babe-“ Grayson looked up at you and for the first time in days he noticed how exhausted you looked. You were running on fumes and he could see it.

“Great, I’ll be right back with your drinks,” you quickly walked off to get the drinks.

“Dude what’s up with her?” Ethan asked his brother.

“I don’t know, I know we had a fight a few days ago but I thought she’d be over it by now,” he explained.

“Here you go,” you placed their water down in front of them, “and did we need more time to look at the menu or are you ready to order?”

“Y/n, stop it-“ Neither of the boys liked how you were acting towards them.

“Don’t worry, take your time, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” you walked away again.

“Gray, what did you do?” Ethan had never seen you this way. You were being so cold and lifeless despite the fake smile and cheery voice you had slapped on.

“I accidentally pawned one of her rings,” Grayson explained.

“Why did you… what ring? Doesn’t she only have the one her grandma left her?”

“I didn’t know,” Graymuttered more to himself.

“You didn’t…” Ethan stared at him in shock. “Are you serious! That would be like her pawning the ring dad left us! Did you get it back for her?” Ethan knew how much that ring meant to you. And from the few times he saw it, he had a general idea of how much it cost.

His brothers silence was all he got but it was enough to let him know the answer.

“Where did you sell it? Fucking hell Grayson! Why wouldn’t you get it back!” Ethan was ready to walk out of the restaurant right now and go buy it back for you since his idiot of a brother didn’t do it himself.

“I went back later and it was already gone okay! I tried!”

“How much did you get for it?” He questioned.

“About six and a half thousand.”

“Well you gave her the money right? Maybe she went and bought it back,” Ethan was trying to be hopeful of the situation.

Silence again.

“Grayson you didn’t even give her the money?” Ethan knew you weren’t made of money and knew how much you made. Which meant he knew there was no way you could have afforded to buy it back yourself.

“Have we made a decision yet?” You appeared out of what seemed like nowhere.

“Just a salad for both of us, babe talk to me please,” Grayson knew he fucked up and he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’ll go ahead and send that in, any appetizers while you wait?”

“No, Y/n please,” Grayson covered your hand with his.

“I’ll be back with your order,” you pried your hand away gently, not wanting to cause a scene.

What you didn’t know was that your manager was standing close by and saw someone touch one of his employees. And most restaurants didn’t care much about the workers being hit on or made uncomfortable, but he cared about his employees.

Once he saw you leave to take the order to the kitchen, he went up to the table.

“Excuse me,” he crouched down next to the table, “I’m the manager here and I’m not going to have you harassing my employees. If I see anything like that again, you’re out of here. Enjoy your meal.” He patted the table and went off to find you.

“Y/n, I’m giving your table to Erin, take one of hers,” he gestured to the two boys in your section.

“No it’s okay, I can handle it,” you would much rather deal with the twins than the group of kids who looked like they were coming in for homecoming.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve had worse than someone trying to hold my hand, I’ve got it,” you assured him.

“Okay, you let me know if he tries something again,” he looked at you.

“Yes sir,” you mock saluted him at which he rolled his eyes.

You went and checked on the other tables in your section and felt Graysons eyes on you the whole time. You eventually went and took them their salads and asked if they needed anything, but you left before they could answer.

Eventually they asked for the bill and you brought it out, more than happy to have them gone. You returned their card and waited for them to leave before going to clean up the table.

It was then that you saw the giant tip they left.

$500 in cash.

They carried more on them then you made in a week.

You grabbed it and passed by your manager and quickly explained they left something behind that you were going to return to them before following them out the front door.

“Grayson!” You called after him.

“Y/n, look I’m so sorry about-“ he started.

“Can I see your keys really quick?” You cut him off

He handed them over, confused as to why you were asking for his keys. But then he saw you sliding your key off the key ring.

“Y/n no, please don’t,” he knew what this meant.

You tossed him back his keys before you took the money out of your apron and slamming it to his chest.

“That should be enough for the price of my key back.”

With that you walked back into the restaurant and slapped the fake smile back on your face. While you really could have used the five hundred dollars, you were not going to let him try to feel better about what he did.

No amount of money he tried to spend on you now could fix the damage already done.

Pls like/comment/reblog I need validation

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smalltragedy · 3 years

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* brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary + they/them | you know kirby wormwood, right? they’re twenty five, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, two weeks? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ring ring by mika like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole balancing acts at perilous heights destined to entertain, jack of all trades master of none, refusal to accept the mortal world as it is thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 1st, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hllo welcome 2 my third character i love them a lot theyre a. remake of an older oc of mine so this is fun <3 sdfhk anyways once again i am asking u. pleathe like if u wld like to plot.

ARSON TW

mini playlist.

wizard ;; lucas lex / ring ring ;; mika / crows ;; clues / sunrise sunset ;; bright eyes / la llorona ;; beirut / no children ;; the mountain goats / might be love ;; the pesky snakes / sax in the city ;; let’s eat grandma.

statistics.

full name: kirby wormwood (currently).

nickname(s): magpie.

birthday: december 1st, 1995.

zodiac: sagittarius sun, aries moon, libra ascending.

mbti & temperament: estp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the hellion.

hometown: abilene, texas.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

alright lets get right into it. kirby ws switched at birth. they cld’ve hd a very like. picket fence trampoline in the backyard. 4 columns cos its texas n it feels right. bt instead they were chosen <3 somewhat unintentionally <3 by dorothea n fawley wormwood, two traveling circus workers who emergency stopped in abilene.

n u know what. growing up in st. pierre’s traveling circus ws kinda fkn awesome? like ok. besides the fact tht they were homeschooled fr like evr n there were a sparing amt of children 2 socialize with? it ws p cool idk.

it ws kinda like everybody ws their parent n also not at all bc they were all very casual. bt they grew up learning hw 2 maintain the circus (n also like. normal school thingz bt i dnt think kirby hs ever cared abt school like ever) n whenever they hd a show kirby wld facepaint or handle tickets until they were old enough 2 start learning like. the Real fun things.

fawley hd a lot of his own weird odd little like superstitions n beliefs n practically raised kirby on them like n they dnt rly <3 make a lot of sense. lots of made up philosophy. very much like. nothing defines u. u cn b anything or anyone. n kirby ws like ok cool. n then developed a god complex.

names didnt rly stick 2 kirby when they were a kid like. nothing satisfied them or felt worthy fr them or simply they just. got tired of a name. this isnt related 2 them being nonbinary BUT it did help ease some of the. pressure of exploring gender identity. theyve only hd one name tht stuck genuinely n tht ws magpie n. thts bc everybody hd their own bird name n it felt very. like community. like a role. usually the names they used during performances bt. anyways KFHDSGLKKHL

theyre Kirby bt answers 2 most. neutral nouns.

honestly. they were also a rascal as a youth. ws like. oh. i learned sleight of hand? cool. time 2 pick pockets. wld throw popcorn into the hair of other kids n b like. omggg what was that ... became a mime fr a year. it ws a rigorous training.

now a master of charades. bt anyways. they traveled pretty much weekly, maybe bimonthly n sometimes just pure monthly. there wsn’t an off season fr them, when the colder months came they’d travel south and when summer rolled in they’d go right back up again. it ws easy to switch personas almost daily n just. never reveal ur true self. totally not saying tht’s what kirby did bt thts what they did. it nvr made them lose sight of themselves it ws more like. acting. tricking ppl fr fun.

anyways all good things come 2 an end and when kirby ws like. 18. they were like hey ur old enough that we cn trust u with fire. we think. n they started 2 learn fire-throwing n like. they were ok at it bt lessons were painfully slow n kirby ws like. i wld b so good at this if i cld do it all the time. n it ws like. hey kirby, chill. u already know a lot of things.

arson tw // u see where this is going. tents are kind of flammable. kirby ws unsupervised. bad decisions all around. circus is aflame. all the animals n all the circus workers got out fine bt like. st. pierre’s ws efficiently out of business. arson end of tw //

n kirby fkn booked it they just. ran. pure fear. nvr looked back which is like super traitorous of them 2 do bt. sometimes they meet up in secret like. sunglasses n all at a coffee shop. not all of them just like. fawley or someone else. theyre like. ur family u cld burn down a thousand circuses n we’d still love u. n kirby is like yeah i know bt i’ve rly committed to the bit now. n they dnt reunite.

anyways. since then kirby hs just been. a traveler. nvr rly staying anywhere fr super long n driving around in their shitty little van tht’d been used as housing back at st. pierre’s.

they’re in irving n theyve been there fr almost. suspiciously long. compared 2 their average stays. when asked abt what they do or why theyre there theyll just. give a vague answer or spin a long tale tht usually involves a burning circus.

theyre staying at uh. abernathy creek rn bc of course they r they fit in so naturally. welcomed with wide arms. might b soul searching rn might b on the hunt fr their birth parents might b just vibing ... whose to say ..

personality & facts.

has a Big personality tht attracts others fr better or fr worse. either super likeable or the most despicable person on the earth. no in betweens. n honestly tht is a talent in itself

has no off button is constantly. spinning tales or performing a dance or getting kicked out of bars fr whatever nonsense reason.

honestly they prob think tht nothing bad cn ever happen to them even tho like. bad has literally happened 2 them before? love the optimism here. KLFGDLKFSDHGF

acts a bit like u’ve known them fr ur entire life they r oddly warm in tht way bt they themself r so distant tht its like. oh nice ok ...

both honest n yet dishonest like. yes they will hustle u out of ur money bt they will also tell u their opinion straight up.

probably smart bt they r just like. prime thembo? flowy pirate shirts n cropped tshirts n pants tht r never tight. dresses like they do still work n live at a circus.

likes 2 instigate things between others n then stand back n just watch it happen while taking like zero accountability. loves a good small town drama. avid milf hunter.

does not hv any faith in the american healthcare system at all n will straight up refuse 2 go 2 a hospital if they get hurt theyre like. i cn do it myself im like practically a professional. they r not a professional.

bt does hv like. a thing abt apples. fkn loves them.

uuuhhh cn play instruments bt all very badly. only knows one (1) song tht isnt made up n its wonderwall by oasis. they play it at parties. they expect fr tomatoes to b thrown at them at any given time.

very nimble. agile. granted its frm. learning circus tricks frm a baby age bt they hv impeccable balance n cn sneak up behind anyone without a single noise. uses this 2 their advantage in order 2 scare ppl. chaotic neutral.

loves having the attention on them i wont fk around here. will go to drastic measures to accomplish receiving it. my other muses r capable of taking things srsly bt kirby just. is not. they do not take a single thing srsly they barely even took. st. pierre’s destruction srsly n they caused it. maybe.

likes being able to just. be unknown so the amt tht ppl know abt them is actually very. little. i dnt think they even tell others their last name. sometimes not even their first. just hs so many aliases n nicknames. i know i didnt list any bt thts simply bc Any cld.

probably acts out to compensate fr the. underlying guilt they hv bt thts okay. i mean it isnt bt.

will probably show up if u call them fr help bt they lose interest in people p quickly n r always moving onto the next shiniest person. bt when they do they give them like. all their attention. if u wrong them in this period they will just. ignore it. bt when theyre bored then its like. u werent even friends at all? very odd.

perhaps it is commitment issues bt <3 ya. thts them. they do not claim favorite colors or movies or. most interests. probably bc theyre very very disconnected frm pop culture i think they learn everything thru twitter n google.

i wld not call them a good person bt i also dnt think theyre like evil horrible nasty awful they just. think abt themself a lot more than they think abt others n also refuses to face consequences ever and also .. anyways.

wanted plots.

part of the bird’s nest ;; honorary bird honorary circus member. u hv to be very well regarded by kirby to earn a bird name bt i feel like tht doesnt feel like a lot considering theyve only been here fr like. two weeks KDGDSHKGK. the catch is tht u cn only refer 2 them as magpie frm then forward.

hand in unlovable hand ;; theres comfort in being terrible ppl together n it may not last bt it doesnt hv to anyways. its just them n the like. vibes. n knowing tht its smth thts nvr gna b long term. cld b anything ur character just hs to be also a little evil. KHDSGFDS

one jester ... wht abt ... TWO jesters .. ;; hoo boy. ooh man. unstoppable force and immovable object combine forces n just become. the worst of the worst. ultimate jokesters. epic pranksters. absolute clowns. chaotic energy unmatched. always nonsense.

n also ;; ppl they’ve stolen frm, ppl who hv caught them in that act, ppl who’ve maybe seen them in the circus a very long time ago, Found Family Trope, real family shenanigans, kirby just asking everybody if theyre their dad., mortal enemies if they see each other its an instant duel 2 the death, etc.

#( kirby wormwood. ) about. / sunrise sunset.#irvingintro #arson tw

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geektrashfan · 3 years

Text

"This is it Sam, I can feel myself fading"

"DEAN YOU CAN'T--"

"After everything we've been through, I can't--"

"Dean after everything we've been through, everyone we lost, you can't leave me alone, not like this--

Jack, if you're listening, PLEASE, just one last miracle, one last time"

Sam can see his brother's eyes droop, the light going slowly.

Not like this. We faced worse, you can't go like this

"Jack ple--"

He wasnt expecting to be cut off by a flash of bright light--

So much for a blaze of glory- a fucking vamp mime got him.

Dean feels the black closing in, his heart slowing, and the cliched flashes of life. The last is a flash of the familiar trench coat--

"How is he doing?" Eileen signs while putting down the coffee.

"Could be better, but yea he's out of danger"

"I'm sorry Sam, if I had been with you on the hunt I could have helped, I could ha--"

"May be you would have been dying too. We are no longer Chuck's favourites so who knows what could have happened. And I cant afford to see you both like this"

With a soft smile, Eileen cups Sam's face with a look that tells him 'things are going to be okay now'

"Hey, I have a thought. What do you think about not going out there? We can set up a base, we have the bunker, handle logistics and research" and I can be like Bobby

"Do you think it'll work?"

"Why not? We both know a normal apple pie life isn't for us, at least not for the Winchesters. And Garth managed it well, has a wife and kids. May be he could give me pointers on how to go about doing it."

"Getting a wife and kids?"

"A middle ground somewhat, but yea..the wife thing too"

"I guess it doesnt hurt to try..both"

When he opened his eyes, Dean was expecting cookie-cutter heaven (or greeted by Rowena). What he didnt expect was being back in his bed in the bunker, with the soft hairy mess of Miracle at his feet.

"What memory is this now?"

"It's not a memory Dean"

The low gravelly voice snapped him fully awake. There he was, on a chair beside Dean's bed, blue tie, trench coat, messy hair and suit-back in full form.

"Cas--is that really you? Are you really here?"

"Yes it's me" Cas stares into the green eyes

"I regret not coming sooner, heaven needed me."

"Heaven? You went back to heaven but you didnt come home? So what, Jack being God means you're back to being a soldier?"

"That is--that isnt the case Dean. Jack is hands-off and he needed someone to be there, to set things up. The bomb, the empty--it threw everyone out, for quiet time. Angels are back and most of them werent adjusting well with new boss. It took some convincing, but finally there is a new order upstairs. I have been there, keeping the peace, with some close-knit people."

"Okay--wow. Reordering Heaven, what--what are the chang--you know what, I dont even want to be bothered. As long as those winged idiots stay in line and dont threaten your life--"

"I dont think they'll want to go against the boss' father"

Both chuckle at that..so it wasnt a dream, Jack really is God and Cas really is back, and Dean is free...

"There's something more Dean. I'm..I'm not an angel anymore...I am human."

It takes more than a second for Dean to register that..

"Cas" He tries for casual but the shaky voice gives it away, "you said something, right before--did you--how long have you felt this way?"

"A long time"

"And you still do?"

"Yes"

"Stay here then, with us, with me. This is your home after all"

"Of course"

"I guess I should see the sasquatch"

"I'll go get them"

Dean watched Cas move and felt a warmth spread across his chest. "Hey Cas, I love you too"

---------------------------------

"How you feeling?"

"Scared and nervous"

"Dude, you punched God"

"But this is different. This is committing my life to someone, sharing all the good and bad"

"You and me share all the good and bad"

"You know what I mean! But hey, I got you and Cas right here, the good-old-married-couple example"

"We've been together for a year, tops"

"Oh like I didnt suffer the CasDean UST for a decade"

"Whats that?"

"Nothing"

"May I have this dance?"

"Do you see anyone else lining up to dance with me?" Cas rolled his eyes, some things dont change after all

"Gotta say, seeing the big family together at a wedding is pretty great...wish mom and dad could see this"

"Well, they are watching over you, new heaven order and all"

"You know, Sam had this life planned, with Jess, before dad disappeared and all this craziness started. He got his happy life in some way or the other"

"And you didnt have it planned?"

"I thought I'd be dead by now, the way I had been living. Never thought I'd live to see grey hair"

"I like the grey"

And I like this, you and me happy together.

----------------------------------

"What if the baby doesn't like me?"

"He'll like you just fine"

"It's a nerd baby"

"Baby arent born nerds Dean. And besides, he's Sam's kid, no way he wont adore you"

"You think so?"

"Yeah"

May be Charlie is right. I mean Sam loves him, no reason the baby wouldn't.

Wow, his baby brother has a baby now, talk about time flying.

"How are they doing? Is everything fine at the hospital? Did the baby come yet? I got one of every toy."

Okay, Cas is definitely way way more anxious.

"Relax you people, if you're freaking out now, I have news for you...parenthood is hard" Jody chimes in

"It's not like we dont have any experience, Jack had his trouble period"

That earns a big laugh.

"Cas..Jack was a special kid, human kids are more trouble"

"Ohh"

Dean can get used to this. This soft domestic life, theres no picket fence but theres plenty love. He still occassionally thinks he doesnt deserve it, when he does, Cas is right by his side to kiss that worry away.

#spn #spn spoilers #spn ficlet #spn 15x20 fix it #spn finale fix it #spn fix it fic #spn 15x20 coda #spn finale coda #destiel endgame #saileen endgame

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patterns-stuff69 · 3 years

Text

Dance on my grave

Chapter 3

-----------------------

Me and Shoto had grown really close this week. I felt so sad when I had to go back to class because I wouldn't be able to see Shoto. His class was going on a camping trip.

I found out these feelings I felt for him was love.

How strange... I thought I would never be able to love someone romantically in my life.

I was staring at the board blankly. I was really bored and lonely. I was strong enough for my nurse to ket me go to class alone.

It was a new thing for me, but I didnt mind.

Mt mental health went down drastically though. The kids made fun of my illness and even shoved me around.

They kept saying that I'll never do anything great because I was so sickly and weak.

It really hurt me. I started to believe those statements. My nurse wondered what was wrong but I never told her.

I didn't want to bother her with my silly problems.

I wasnt worth any human sympathy, so why should I waste her's?

I hide my feelings and troubles from my therapist too. He doesn't even suspect a thing.

I sighed as I wrote down what Present Mic told us to.

I started to feel my eyes fall closed and my breathing became shallow. I passed out at my desk.

I soon woke up in a hospital bed, connected to a heart monitor and life support.

A light went off and a group of nurses rush on with a doctor.

My parents werent there. There was nothing that told me that they visited.

Just as I thought. I was a waste of space. A bother. Not even my parents wanted to see me.

Thwy hate me. Everyone hates me. Even Shoto.

I sighed in relief when the nurses exited. They left me alone with my personal nurse. She turned the TV on for me.

Thwy were talking about Shoto.

I spotted his last name.

It took a bit to click, but when it did, I freaked out.

He's a Todoroki?!

Why didn't he tell me that? Did something bad happen?

I was so surprised. I decided to ask him when I exited the hospital.

Who knows how long I'll stay in this place.

------

I heard that Midoriya was in hospital. He apparently fainted in class due to his oxygen running out.

How dumb could his nurse be?

I sighed as I took my red and white hair out of my face. I wanted to see the TV better.

My heart sank when I heard that I was on the news.

Midoriya would surely know that I'm a Todoroki. That'll scare him off. I dont want that... I've grown feelings for him.

I can't loose him, not yet.

Chapter 4

------------------------

I was out of hospital and back at school. I feel like Shoto is ignoring me... and it hurts.

I was just walking to the cafeteria when I saw Shoto talking with that black haired girl from 1-A. I think her name was Momo.

Momo was giggling and blushing while Todoroki was looking at her like a boyfriend would.

My heart sank and I just rushed out of the cafeteria. Tears were brimming my eyes.

Why am I crying? Why does it hurt so much?

My nurse tried to follow me, but she couldnt. I ran into the boys bathroom, locking thr door. I went to a stall and closed it's door. I just started ro cry.

Why am I feeling this much pain?

Why does it hurt so much to see Shoto with her?

My heart monitor started beeping loudly.

I guess this had put a lot of stress on me.

What am I going to do now? I thought he cared about me.... but now he's ignoring and avoiding me.

Did I do something wrong?

I knew it.... he was just pretending. He actually hates me and that teddy bear was a fake gift. He didnt want to tell me his last name because he didnt want me to ruin his image.

I should just leave... forever. It'll make everything easier for everyone... especially mom and dad.

My vision was starting to become a lot more foggy and blurry. My breathing became unsteady and really quick.

It feels like something pressing on my chest. Why does it hurt this much?

I started screaming for the first time in the longest time.

It hurts a lot more than my illness. It feels like my heart is shattering.

Am I dying?

Maybe I am... that'll be amazing...

Before I knew it, I was passed out. The last thing I heard was the door unlocking. I saw a blurry face. They had red and white hair.

-----

I found Midoriya's nurse at the boys bathroom. She was looking at me with worried and angry eyes.

She pointed at the door "Help me open the door... please. He's in there. He looked troubled."

Before I could kick the door down, I heard a scream come from behind the door.

My heart sank and I froze the door handle. I opened the door and found Midoriya on the floor. His breathing was heavy and unsteady. He looked like he was having a panic attack.

"I think he passed out from a panic attack. We need to get him to the hospital." I spoke softly. I didnt want the nurse to know that I was scared. I need to remain strong... for Midoriya's sake.

We were in the hospital a few hours later. Midoriya was hooked up on life support and they had to put him into an induced coma.

I don't know why, but they had to.

I took Midoriya's hand into mine ans sighed shakily "I'm so sorry Midoriya... I dont know what caused you to freak out like this.... but.... it was probably my fault."

I asked the nurses to leave me alone with Midoriya for a bit. I wanted to tell him how I felt... I dont care if he couldn't respond. I needed to tell him.

I was talking with Momo to figure out how to ask someone out. She helped me by being a test subject.

I pretended that she was Midoriya. I confessed to her and she smiled, telling me that Midoriya would love what I told her.

I looked at Midoriya, sighing shakily. I brought his hand up to my forehead, starting ro cry, "I'm so so sorry....Midoriya... please.... forgive me for whatever I did.... I.... I love you so much... I know we've only known each other for a short time now.... but... I'm sure that I've fallen for you... When... when they used my last name on the news... I was scared that you would leave me alone.... just because I was a Todoroki..." I took a breath.

"I started to avoid you.... but... that was a mistake... Midoriya... please forgive me... I know you probably dont feel the same.... but I love you..." I sounded so damn sad and desperate.

Damn it. I promised myself that I wouldnt cry.

I then felt Midoriya's hand tighten on my hand.

I looked up at him, sniffling. I saw that he had a soft smile on his face and tears falling from his eyes.

He was still asleep though. I knew that he heard me.

Thank you....

-------

I somehow heard Todoroki confess to me. I tried to wake up, but I couldnt.

I used all of my strength to squeeze his hand and smile. I felt tears fall from my eyes.

I felt happy and complete.

Chapter 5

------------------------

It's been a month now and Midoriya was awake.

It was a relief to know that. He also accepted my feelings for him. He likes me too, surprisingly.

I felt the happiest I've ever felt in my life.... this is amazing.

I was chased out of his room though. They needed to check up on him and it seems that he doesnt need his personal nurse anymore.

The school is gonna let us share our dorms so that I can take care of him.

I was pretty happy about that. He also seemed way happier.

I was hugging him while he was catching up on work. He looked so cute when he focused. I really like it when he looks like this.

I nuzzled into his back and let ou a hum "Do you need any help Izu?"

Midoriya smiled softly and shook his head "Not really Sho.... I'm doing quite well." He mumbled.

I nodded and kissed his bacl softly before drifting off into sleep.

After a few hours, I felt two arms wrap around me. I opened my eyes and saw Midoriya hugging me. He was smiling softly "Hey Sho..... Sorry for waking you up."

I smiled and shook my head "It's fine. Are you tired?"

He nodded and nuzzled into my chest "Yes.... I'm very tired...." he yawned and closed his eyes, falling asleep.

He was getting tired a lot more easily thesw past few months. I wasnt really concerned about that. He told me that if he didnt feel well that he'll tell me.

I never thought anything of this, until he didnt respond to me the next morning.

I tried to wake him up, but he kept sleeping.

I called the hospital and a nurse who was accompanied with a doctor arrived.

They checked up on Midoriya and they frowned.

The doctor looked at me "He needs to be hospitalized again. His condition has gotten worse."

I tensed up and nodded "A-Alright..."

This cant be happening again. I cant lose him now.

#fanfic #gay #romance #mha todoroki #mha tododeku #mha izuku #mha angst #mha fluff #tododeku

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jaidesblog · 4 years

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A Letter to the Dad That Left...

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday.. I wish that I could forget when your birthday was. It would make it so much easier. I hate that I always get sad. This year will be seven years since you decided to leave me, leave our home, leave and start another life with another family. A family you decided to stop drinking and doing drugs for, god knows that I was never enough for you to stop. I dont know why I wasnt enough for you, why your family couldn’t have just been me and you. You left me. You abandoned me. You abandoned me with a STRANGER. You left me in the house of a woman I had only known a few days and you never came back. Thank god your mother stepped up and raised me. You left and that was the last I heard from you for two years. When you came back you had a wife and another family and you said that you wanted to be a part of my life again and you lied to me. You came to my 8th grade promotion, left halfway through, and I havent seen you since. That was almost five years ago. You couldn’t even be bothered to come to EITHER of my graduations, I know you knew about both of them. One of them was in your CITY and you STILL couldn’t be bothered to come and see me. I graduated high school with my associates degree, more than you did, and you still couldnt even send me a message saying congrats. I even tried to make amends and sent you a message asking for an address to send you a graduation announcement and you left me on read. We haven’t talked in years. You dont talk to me on the holidays, on my BIRTHDAY, either of my graduations, and you would think that eventually I would get the hint that you didnt want to talk to me, that you didnt want to be around me and maybe I could move on, but all I feel is pain. I don’t know why I keep trying to message you. Why I keep checking your social media to get some idea of how your life is. When you left me, you broke my heart. You ripped it out of my chest and took it with you to wherever you went and you never gave it back. You took my childhood. The day you left me was the day that I gave up any hope of being enough for anyone. If my own parents couldnt love me and stay, why would anyone else? You were my first heartbreak and you were by far the worst one because it keeps happening. Over and over again. Holidays and birthdays all I can think about is you. I have been through so much since then, things you will never know about because you didnt care enough to stay. You werent there the for the time a boy in middle school broke my heart for the first time, when all I wanted was for my dad to hug me and tell me it would get better, you were no where to be found. You will never know about the times I tried to kill myself. You werent there when my best friends stepdad recorded me naked in the shower when I was 13. You will never know how much I struggled with my mental health. You never taught me to drive a car, you werent there when my dog died, or when my cat died. You werent there when I would get into fights with my best friends and wished I had a parent to come home to. You werent there when my grandma was in the hospital and I was left completely alone. You werent there when I met my mom for the first time. You werent there when I tried to run away. You were never there. You were in a city, less than three hours away and couldnt be bothered to text me. We live in the same city now, I came here for college and we literally live in the same fucking place and you still cant be bothered to reach out. I know you know I am here. I know between my mom, grandma, and social media posts you know I am here, so close to you and its still not enough to get you to care.

I would give anything not to feel this hollow empty feeling in my chest when I think of you or when I hear your name. I wish I could just stop caring about you because god knows I have been so much better without you. You were a drunk and a drug addict and even when you were here physically, you werent here mentally. I have done amazing things, you should be proud of me but youre gone and thats something that I have to live with every single day. I wish I could just move on and stop feeling all of this anger and rage and hate in my heart. I dont want it. I dont know how to move on from you when I never got the closure that I deserved. You were there one day and then the next day you just werent. I wish I knew why I wasnt good enough for you. It was supposed to be me and you against the world forever. I was supposed to be your child and you abandoned me and broke my fucking heart. I dont even know why I am writing this, its not like you will ever see it, and even if you did its not like you would care. Its your birthday, we are in the same city, and I have to be okay with the fact that I will never be enough for you.

#sadgirlshit #long reads #personal #i miss my dad #abandoned #hurt #i am alone #always alone #leave me alone #all alone #happy birthday dad

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feralhogs · 5 years

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1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows?

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof.

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo!

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube?

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE

#rambling #WOW #bug

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angelnoel026 · 5 years

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Chapter 35

Just when I was about to go through with my plan the nurse came in. "What's going on in here?!" She screamed. Something about this nurse looked familiar, I couldn't put my finger on it. "You need to leave now miss, you are a danger to this patient." I rolled my eyes. The nurse put Jules in a wheelchair and brought her towards the elevator. Something still felt off. When I got back to Bryce and Brendan they were gone. "Excuse me miss, have you seen my brother and friend? They were right here." She didnt answer me. I was already annoyed enough. I tapped on the glass to get her attention. She gave me a glare. She pointed her finger towards a room that was labeled 'Mental asylum' what are they doing in there? As soon as I went through the room, it turned into a horror movie. Every cell was filled with supernatural creatures. I hadn't realized what hospital we were at, we werent even at a hospital, it was the place where all supernatural creatures were placed. Eichen house. Scott, Stiles, Malia, and Lydia had told me about this place, you never wanted to be admitted in here. They must of remodeled it to look like it's a hospital but really it was your own personal hell. It made me wonder what they were really doing with Jules. I looked through every room until I found where they held Bryce and Brendan. Bryce was trying to use his new wolf strength to get out, but these doors were supernatural proof. "Why are you guys in here?" I was trying to be quiet. "I dont know, the doctor said that they wanted to examine us, but tricked us instead. Now they wanna use as lab rats!" Brendan explained. "Hurry before they come back!" Bryce yelled. "I'm not leaving Jules in this hell hole." I started picking the lock. "Would you like some help with that love?" I heard a familiar voice. Tommy startled me. "How did you get in here?" I asked annoyed, he was the last person I wanted to see right now. Brendan and Bryce looked at me confused. "It's a long story guys, I'll explain later but I promise he means no harm." I sighed. Tommy whistled. Suddenly one of his Oni's appeared and sliced the lock open, freeing my betas. "We need to get Jules." I explained to Tommy. "I saw a nurse bring her to the basement which is straight that way." He pointed to the right. "I'm going to get her, Bryce come with me, Brendan and Tommy, stay alerted and if you have to kick some ass, do it." I grabbed Bryce's arm and headed to the basement. I wanted to get out of here. When we got close we saw the same nurse who had taken her. She took her wig off and I now recognized who it was, Danna. That must mean Ashley and her pets are back. Great as if I needed more drama. 'Stay here' I mouthed to Bryce. I snuck quietly to the door, sneaking past Danna. I gave Bryce a signal to keep an eye on her. I managed to get to the basement where Jules was. She was awake again, frightened. Then when I thought we were alone, I saw her, the woman who killed me, Ashley. What does she want with Jules? I waited for my opportunity. "So Jules, tell us why your in here, I've never seen you do anything supernatural." She was questioning her. "It's hard to explain and what do you mean supernatural?" Jules simply said. "I can handle hard." Ashley never gives up. "Well I cant do it on command." Jules fought back. "Are you a werewolf like Katherine? Did you change Bryce Williams?" Ashley just blurted it out. Why would she think Jules was a wolf or changed Bryce. Further more how did she know?! "Katherine? She's dead and she never mentioned about werewolves, I dont believe in that crap!" "So she's kept you in the dark." Ashley smiled her evil grin and changed into her wolf form roaring in her face. Jules screamed. Is that how she would of reacted to me? "Believe now?" Jules shook her head in fright. "Well if you arent a werewolf then your a threat to me, which means you need to be out of the equation." She took her claws out and heald them to Jules throat. Alright enough is enough, I know grandma Talia said not to let Ashley know I'm still alive but I cant let my best friend die. "Noooo!" I roared and tackled Ashley. I tried to quickly untie Jules and get out of here. Ashley got right back up. "Well well well, if it isnt the true alpha Katherine Hale." She didnt look surprised. I turned to face her. "In the flesh." I mocked her. "Now how did you manage to escape 15 stabs?" She was curious. "You'll never know." I pushed a table in front of her which gave us time to make an escape. I used my claws to slice the ropes. Me and Jules made a run for it. "This wont be our last meet Katherine! I have big plans for you!" Ashley yelled after us. "Katherine? Am I dreaming?" Jules was confused and scared. "I'll explain everything later." When we got back up Danna was kocked out on the ground. Bryce had a big grin on his face. "Not bad for a beta." He felt confident. "Good job, we gotta go." We all made a run for it. We had one more enemy to face. More nurses and doctors were coming our way. Jules pushed us out of the way. Suddenly her fox aura appeared around her. She used her force and pushed ever doctor and nurse against the walls, knocking them unconscious. She's gonna make a fine addition to the pack. Me, Jules, Bryce, Brendan, and Tommy ran to the Volkswagen bus and drove out of hell and to a safe location. This was about to get worse now that Ashley knew the truth. Wonder what mom and dad are doing? More to come

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the--blackdahlia · 5 years

Text

This Life Chapter 16

Title: This Life Chapter 16

Summary: Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, mentions of drug use, this chapter is pretty sad

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish . The song for this chapter is Come Join the Murder by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers

Sam was curled up in the passenger seat of Baby as Dean drove them back to Wolfpine. He had his arm cradled against him and his eyes were closed. Dean kept casting glances over at him. The kid had worked himself up the minute Ellen stepped out of the truck and asked where Benny was. Jim had forced him to take a couple pills from the med kit that Bobby kept in the truck and before Dean knew it, his not so little, little brother was snoring softly beside him in the Impala.

Dean was exhausted. He couldn’t wait to get back to Wolfpine and collapse onto his bed. And he had the pull out couch for Sam to sleep on for the night. Unless he decided that they needed to spend the night in John’s old house. But Dean didn’t think it was a very good idea. Plus, they had the Wayward Sons following them to Wolfpine to think of a plan in case the remaining Horsemen decided to retaliate for Azazel’s death.

Bobby had called in some favors with a couple sheriff’s who owed him a thing or two. Benny’s body would be returned home, and the bodies of Azazel and the henchmen would be dealt with. Jody assured Bobby of that. Bobby could focus then on putting Benny to rest. His dad was currently drinking his way through Atlantic City, and his mom was on her honeymoon with her new husband in Europe. Bobby doubted that either would be there to say goodbye to their son.

And then there was Sam. That kid had been through more trauma in the past year than any of them had. He had watched as a fire destroyed everything, he watched his dad shot in the chest and was left for dead, and then he was chained up to watch as a man who was like a brother to him was shot in the head and killed. Bobby didn’t know about what Azazel had told Sam, and neither did Dean. Bobby didn’t know about Sam’s downward spiral into depression that John managed to pull him out of. Dean was afraid it was going to happen again.

“Sammy.” Dean said gently when he parked Baby in Winchester-Singer’s lot. Sam groaned and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, we’re at the garage. I thought we could stay here tonight then head to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Sam said softly, opening the door and slowly getting out, stretching his long legs as he did. He had been asleep when they stopped in New Mexico. He didn’t even remember Dean making him get out of the car to use the bathroom and forced him to eat a little something that the medicine in him wouldn’t screw him up too much.

“How’s your arm?” Dean asked, coming around to look at Sam.

“It’s fine.” He whispered, but he was holding it close to him. Dean was sure that it was probably hurting. He followed Sam to the building. He could hear the others pulling in. But Dean knew that Sam needed time away from all of them. Hell, he needed time away from all of them. So they made their way through everything to the room that Dean used to sleep in when he just couldn’t handle being around John, until he got the apartment that was. It wasn’t much. A large bed mainly. But that’s all they really needed. They needed sleep.

“Let me look at that.” Dean said when he closed the door behind him. Sam held out his arm for Dean to check it out. He knew basic first aid. And he knew how to change bandages. He was going to make sure that they were always clean and taken care of. “It looks fine. It should heal nicely.”

“Thanks.” Sam sighed and set down on the bed. “You want the bed?”

“I think there’s enough room we could share.” Dean laughed. “And I’ll even keep my boxers on.”

“God, you’re ridiculous.” Sam said, kicking off his boots and laying back on one side of the bed. Dean kicked off his own shoes and his vest was next. He tossed himself down on the bed.

“God, this thing stinks.” He shook his head, not wanting to know what had been done on this bed. “I’m replacing it once everything is done and over with.” Sam didn’t answer. Dean looked over to find Sam fast asleep. He couldn’t help but smile. “G’night bitch.” He said, turning over and falling to sleep himself.

****

The next morning, there were not alarm clocks. Everyone slept in as much as they could, just enjoying their moments of peace. They knew that war was on the horizon, especially once the other princes found Azazel. They also knew that they were going to have to bury Benny. Bobby had tried over and over again to get a hold of either of his parents, but nothing.

Sheriff Mills came by in the afternoon. Dean was out in the garage, trying to focus on a car to keep his mind off of everything. The Wayward Sons were staying at John’s old home for the night. Bobby had never sold it, figuring that Sam might want it during the summers or something. Or that Dean would get tired of that apartment and want a change. Lucifer, Andy, Gabriel, Ruby, and Meg were all there, waiting for the other shoe to drop and war to break out.

“Dean Winchester.” Jody said, walking up to him. Dean smiled some.

“Hey Jody.” Dean said, wiping his hands on a shop rag. She could tell that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes though and she immediately hugged him. She might have been on the Hunters payroll, but she was also a friend. That’s what made it a little easier to look the other one every once in awhile.

“Benjamin Lafitte has been released to the North Star Hospital Center.” Jody explained to Dean. “So you guys can arrange…” Dean nodded.

“Thanks Jody. We really owe you.” Dean said. Jody looked up then and smiled some as Sam came out into the garage, favoring his arm.

“Sam.” She hugged him, careful to miss his arm. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks Jody.” Sam said softly. “Hey Dean, have you seen Jim?”

“No, not yet. Your arm hurting?” Dean asked. Sam nodded. Dean was about to say something when some new bikes pulled into the lot. Jody was a little on edge. “It’s ok Jody, they’re friends.” Dean said. Andy took his helmet off and looked over at Sam and Dean.

“You okay?” He asked, walking past Jody.

“I’m fine.” Sam sighed. Jody took this time to size up the Wayward Sons. Andy seemed okay. Meg and Ruby weren’t too bad. Gabriel looked a little rough around the edges. Lucifer was fucking scary.

“I could score you some Demon Blood man.” Lucifer said. “It’ll stop all the pain.”

“Yeah, and it’ll stop him from being a functioning human being.” Ruby hissed. “Don’t even bring that shit around here.”

“Demon Blood?” Dean asked. “What the fuck is that?”

“Street drug and nasty.” Jody told him. “I just had to interview a couple of girls who had been slipped it in their drinks.” Dean watched Ruby awkwardly rubbed her arm as Jody spoke. “Moderation shouldn’t cause any life altering effects. But too much and overdoses can really fuck you up.”

“Can we change the subject?” Sam asked. “I don’t need Demon Blood. Just some low grade, over the counter painkillers and I’ll be good.”

“What happened anyway?” Jody asked.

“I got shot.” Sam said dismissively before he headed to where Ellen and Jo were to see if they had anything.

“Well, I guess you guys have things to attend to.” Jody said. “Let me know when the funeral is. I’d love to pay my respects.” She patted Dean’s arm and offered a small smile. “And tell Bobby to give me a call.” She left then. Dean went to go make the arrangements to have Benny buried. He didn’t want him to lay there and rot because his parents couldn’t give a shit about him. He also needed to research whatever this Demon Blood shit was.

“She was addicted to it.” Andy said to Dean, startling him some. “Ruby was. She was kicked out of her home, lost her job, everything. All she wanted was more of it. But she pulled herself out and is very anti Demon Blood.”

“Why is it called that?” Dean asked.

“No matter what form it’s in, it’s a deep red. It looks like blood. And it causes the user to hallucinate. A very common side effect is they believe they have powers.” Andy looked over at Lucifer, who was talking with Meg and Gabriel. “Lucifer OD’ed on it. That’s why he’s insane.”

“That did that to him?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel said he had a slight mental illness anyway. And he got hooked on Demon Blood. And he just took more and more until his body couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy explained. “Sam got lucky. He took it once and it made him sick and he promised to never take it again.” Andy realized as soon as the words left his mouth, he shouldn’t have said them.

“Wait...what did you say?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head.

“Sam took this drug?” Dean asked. Andy sighed.

“Once, as a moment of weakness. Right after Jess died. But he got so sick that the benefits were overshadowed. And he promised all of us and God himself that he would never do it again.” Andy could see the anger bubbling away under Dean’s skin. What else had Sam neglected to tell him? Instead, Dean stormed off, leaving Andy there. He went to find Bobby so they could get ready to bury Benny.

****

The funeral home was quick to have things set up. So it was the next day and they were ready. Benny was prepped and placed in a closed casket. It was sunny and warm. Every trope in movies said it was supposed to rain. So it couldn’t really be a funeral.

It was a graveside service. The funeral home did bring Benny to the cemetery via hearse, and the Hunters and Wayward Sons were the pallbearers. While the Wayward Sons had only known Benny a couple of days, they felt obligated to stand there by the Hunters. Ellen and Jo sobbed. Especially Ellen. She had watched Benny grow up from a chubby toddler to a man.

Sam was one of the first to leave when the ceremony was over. He had to get away. He needed air. So he stormed off, running away to a club of trees where he could sit and be alone. But he wasn’t, because Dean was right behind him.

“Sammy…” Dean said. “We got revenge for Benny and for dad.”

“You think that Azazel planned this all on his own?” Sam asked. Dean was about to speak up. “There are three more princes out there, plus their fucking henchmen. Dean, we have to stop them all.”

“And we will in due time.” Dean said. “We just buried Benny.”

“They won’t care.” Sam told him. “And if what Azazel said is true…”

“What? What did he say to you?” Dean asked.

“He told me that he slept with mom when her and dad were separated and that I have a good chance of being his kid.” Sam told Dean. “I don’t believe but…”

“Dad told me about that.” Dean said. “You’re not Azazel’s son. Even if you were, it didn’t change anything. Dad loved you so much.”

“But…”

“No buts Sammy. You’re a Winchester, that’s all there is to it. You ain’t getting out of this family that easy.” He smirked at Sam, who rolled his eyes. “Come on. I think a trip up to Austin for a burger is in order. My treat.”

“Can we take Baby?” Sam asked.

“Of course. Probably hard to steer your bike with that arm anyway.” They headed back to the others. They had gotten a ride with Bobby. Dean didn’t mention anything about what Andy had told him about Demon Blood. He just wasn’t in the mood to fight with Sam. He got his brother back and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t want to push him away.

And a trip to Austin really could do them both a lot of good.

****

Aguila, Arizona

Azazel’s body laid on a table as Asmodeus, Alastair, Ramiel, Lilith, Abbadon, and Dagon stood around. It had been chaos when the princes had came back from a run to Mexico and found their fourth dead on the ground. This just stunk of Hunters. Alastair was sure of it.

“They’re all dead.” Asmodeus finally said. “The Hunters have to be exterminated.”

“What do we do?” Ramiel asked.

“We slaughter them like the pigs they are.” Lilith hissed. She held Azazel’s favorite pistol in her hands. “I want to kill at least one of them.”

“Lil, just breathe.” Abbadon said. She looked at the others.

“Actually, I think it would be a fantastic idea to include the girls.” Alastair said. “They have a moral code. They’re not going to willingly shoot women. And they don’t have women in their group. It would be the perfect distraction.”

“Then let’s get ready.” Asmodeus announced. “I want the Hunters dead by the end of the week.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @supernaturalwincestsblog @sams-serialkiller-fetish

#this life #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #Jared Padalecki #Jensen Ackles

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that-one-violist · 5 years

Text

fuck anyone who says that privatized healthcare that costs this fucking much is good because it makes the healthcare quality.

dont you dare tell me our healthcare system is quality when with so many different doctors and hospitals and at least 3 different health insurance providers it was so fucking bad my mom gave up on going to get any treatment for the last 2 years of her life because she couldnt take the dehumanization, only to be billed thousands of dollars that we didnt have simply because she wanted to be able to walk and live her life and not be bedridden.

they told us years later that they possibly could have managed to switch her cancer diagnoses papers with another patient, and we will never know if the radioactive iodine treatments which, mind you, were 3x as much as a human should have in an entire lifetime in the span of 2 to 3 fucking years, were even necessary. they managed to constantly give her the wrong medication doses and when she complained that they were problematic they told her to get over it. they told her to smoke since her life was meaningless anyways. they told her to lose weight because it was annoying to have to get her a larger size gown. they told her she had to be lying to them about what she was eating, even after logging and taking pictures of every meal and having comfirmation from my dad they told her she was lying. only to find out multiple years too late it was a result of several diseases that she struggled to lose weight. diseases they should have caught and that she asked about and they immediately disregarded her.

dont. fucking. tell me. that the healthcare system works. or that its good. if we had the money, we could have gotten her the surgery for the growth in her abdomen that kept building that prevented her from walking. but we couldnt. you know why? my dads masters degree level 40+ hour work week fucking job didnt pay enough for us to afford that "cosmetic" surgery which meant we had to pay full out of pocket. and we couldnt. we werent even able to take out a loan for it, because we had taken out too many and gone bankrupt twice before.

how ironic, seeing as my father works as a lab technician in a hospital. yet we cant even truly afford to go to one.

all i can do is imagine if she could have gone down the stairs and seen me at graduation or my last concerts or move me into my dorm or live to move me out of it. what if the doctors didnt dismiss her. what if they didnt blatantly disregard her. what if we could have afforded the surgeries. what if we could have afforded the furnature and products that maybe could have made her life easier.

i just. i just cant stop being so fucking mad about it. they dehumanized her for fucking years. and now shes gone. and we dont get any justice. i just. the people who she was supposed to feel safe talking to and who she was supposed to somewhat trust with her life and health disregarded her. and maybe if we could have just afforded the so called "unnecesary cosmetic" surgery because the insurance company had some fine ass fucking print that prevented us from working with them due to the situation, maybe she could have had at least a half decent final 10 years of her life, or maybe she wouldnt have died before i turned fucking 20.

fucking imagine. it cant be real.

maybe im in the wrong to be mad, maybe healthcare here is absolutely fantastic and absolutely it is reasonable for people who dont have the money to die because they cant afford preventable healthcare and when theyre in bad health cant afford to do anything about it. maybe its reasonable that doctors dehumanize their patients consistently because some patients just arent worth their time, right? maybe im in the wrong. so fucking be it. maybe my sitiation is just so particular and non-relatable that this isnt a problem. so fucking be it. but i swear to god im never going to be okay with what happened to her. no one deserves that. no fucking one. regardless of their economic standing.

no. fucking. one.

#healthcare #grief #im so fucking angry

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rosapeachhogwartsmystery · 6 years

Text

Can I really trust you? (Hogwarts Mystery Imagine - fem!reader x Ben Copper)

Masterlist (To view my Masterlist, visit my Tumblr page)

Words: 2497

Pairing: fem!reader x Ben Copper

Summary: You have been staring at Ben more often than you like to admit. Rowan would point out he might have to do something with R you would tell Rowan that Ben wouldn’t lie to you. Once you follow him out of the Great Hall, something happened. Perhaps Rowan was right after all. Ben might not be telling the truth, or is he?

_________________________________________________

Ben noticed you have been staring at him more often lately. He just didn’t understand why though. Did he do something wrong? Didn’t you trust him anymore after Rowan became suspicious? It didn’t make sense though, because you said you believed him. Those letters from R were addressed to him, but he just couldn’t remember them. Or perhaps he did remember them, but he tried to forget about it. He didn’t want you to be suspicious of him, after all, you were a really great friend. You have helped him out when he needed it. You even duelled Merula, because she called him a Mudblood. He hasn’t said anything weird to you lately, has he? If he did then he would have been embarrassed about it. No, it couldn’t be that. There must be another reason why you were staring at him. He was sitting in the Great Hall, eating his lunch, when he caught you staring at him again. You quickly looked away when your eyes met each other. What was going on?

Rowan sat next to you and elbowed you. “What are you doing, Y/N?” She asked. “Nothing.” You mumbled, blushing a little. “Oh, so staring at Ben is nothing?” She asked, smirking slightly. “You have doing that a lot lately. You have to be careful, Y/N. He might have seen it.” She said amused. You knew he might have caught you staring at him often, but you definitely wouldn’t admit you did such a thing. “I wasn’t staring at Ben. I was just thinking.” You muttered. “Sure you were.” She said, rolling her eyes. “Let me guess, did those thoughts include Ben?” She teased you. You elbowed her “You are a terrible friend, Khanna.” You said with a grin. “Hey! I’m just looking after you. I mean, after this whole ‘R’ thing, I’m not sure whether Ben is telling the truth or not. I don’t want you to get hurt.” She said honestly.

“Rowan, Ben wouldn’t lie about such a thing.” You said, wanting to believe Ben’s word, but you knew there was always the possibility he might knew something about it. “And if he did something he might not be able to remember it because someone made sure he wouldn’t remember it. Perhaps a Forgetfulness Potion.” You pointed out. “That might be so, but I don’t want you to do something you might regret later.” Rowan said. You sighed and shook your head. There was no way Ben did something bad. You thought Ben was a really sweet guy and you definitely enjoyed being around him. He might be a coward often, but he did help you with the Cursed Vaults. You thought he was really helpful. He was also very talented at Charms and you would sometimes ask him for advice. There was just no way you would be able to see Ben as the bad guy.

Once Ben was about to leave the Great Hall you stood up. “Rowan, I can assure you that Ben doesn’t intend to harm anyone. We can trust him.” You said. “In fact, I’m going to ask him if he wants to help me practice Charms. I feel like it will help me a lot with the Cursed Vaults. I mean, charms will help me with solving the mysteries around the Cursed Vaults.” You said. “Just like any other class.” Rowan pointed out. “That is true, but Ben is especially talented at Charms. Just like Penny is really good at Potions. You are really good at studying.” You said with a smile. Rowan sighed with a smile. “Well, go then. Ben has already left the Great Hall.” She said. You grinned and then you quickly left the Great Hall. You didn’t know where Ben was going, but you managed to spot him in the crowd. You quickly followed after him, wondering where he was going.

Oh, he was going the Artefacts room. You knew Ben would go there often. Perhaps he wanted to be alone? You still wanted to ask him to help you with Charms. You weren’t going to back out of it now. You slowly opened the door. Ben didn’t notice you entering the Artefacts room, like he was busy looking for something inside the room. You slowly walked over to him and then you placed a hand on his shoulder. Ben was startled and grabbed his wand immediately. “Depulso!” He said, pointing his wand at you. Before you knew it, you were blasted against the wall. Things fell onto you and your head began throbbing a lot. You must have hit your head pretty hard. Maybe you should have said something when you entered the room. You couldn’t help it but to feel hurt he would just attack you like that. You quickly tried to get the things off you.

“Y/N?” Ben said surprised slowly stepping closer to you, his eyes widened a little. You bit your lip and then you quickly stood up, leaving the Artefacts Room as quickly as possible. Ben called out your name again, but you didn’t turn around. No, you weren’t going back. He might not have done it on purpose, but the fact he was so startled he attacked you hurt you. He was up to something, you just knew he was up to something. You didn’t want to listen to Rowan, but it was hard to ignore such evidence. You knew you should probably head to the Hospital Wing now. Your head hurt a lot and you knew it was better to get it fixed.

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“So, you don’t know who attacked you, miss Y/L/N?” Madam Pomfrey asked when she used a healing spell. “No, I wasn’t really looking where I was going when I was attacked.” You lied. “That is unusual.” She said. “I mean, normally you know what happened and who were involved.” She pointed out. “Yeah, I was daydreaming a bit. Probably not a good idea.” You lied, trying to smile a little. She sighed a little. “Well, you are good to go. And please, try to be more careful. Such accidents can be prevented easily.” She said. “I will try to be more careful. Thanks for the help, Madam Pomfrey.” You said when you left the Hospital Wing.

You sighed once you were out, slowly making your way to the common room. You wanted to hide in your dormitory, thinking that would be the only place you could think clearly now. You didn’t want to face anyone. Rowan would probably ask you what happened and probably suspect Ben even more. You definitely didn’t want to face Ben now. You didn’t want to assume things. You just thought the whole scene was really suspicious. Perhaps it was your own fault for not saying anything when you entered the room. Then again, he could have done the same thing if he heard you speak up. After all you had entered the room without him realizing it. Maybe your voice would have startled him just as much. You didn’t want to think about it. It had happened and it was enough to confuse you. Maybe you were just too blind to see Ben was being suspicious, because you liked him more than you would like to admit.

On your way to your Common Room you saw Ben. Your eyes widened and you quickly tried to take a different way. Of course, Ben had already seen you and began following you. You tried to speed up the pace, hoping you could lose him on the way. The last thing you wanted was to talk to Ben. You weren’t thinking straight and you needed to think straight to make the right decision, at least you thought you would make the right the decision if you were thinking more straight. You just couldn’t talk to him right now. You just knew it.

You froze when Ben had caught your hand. You stopped walking, not turning around to look at him. “Y/N…” He spoke softly. You didn’t know what to say. Your eyes were getting watery and you refused to turn around. You weren’t going to cry, you refused to cry. “I’m sorry for hitting you with that charm.” He said softly, sounding apologetic. “I didn’t mean to hit you. I just didn’t know it was you.” He said honestly. You bit your lip, closing your eyes. You hoped your tears would disappear, but they didn’t. Tears were already rolling down your cheeks. “No...! I-I didn’t mean to make you cry...!” He said, panicking a little when he walked in front of you. He gently grabbed your shoulder, but you struggled a bit, making him let go.

“Are you being honest with me, Ben?” You asked softly. “What do you mean?” He asked. “I want to trust you, Ben. I really do, but the way you are acting… I can’t help to wonder if you are lying to me.” You said softly. “W-what? No, I’m not lying to you.” He said. “Why were you in the Artefacts Room looking for something…? I know you get startled easily, but you have never grabbed your wand before.” You said, looking into his eyes. Tears were still falling down. You wanted to hear the truth. “I was just looking for some charms to practice. I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” He said. His eyes were getting watery as well. “How can I be sure you are telling the truth, Ben?” You asked. “I don’t want to suspect you, I really don’t, but you have been acting strange.” You said.

“Please, Y/N. You have to believe me. I don’t remember those letters. I really don’t remember writing R. I’m not doing anything against you.” Ben said, tears rolling down his face. “For Merlin’s sake... I don’t know what to believe anymore…! These Cursed Vaults, they only cause trouble.” You mumbled to yourself, panicking a bit. You really didn’t know what to do. You definitely still liked Ben, but how could you like him if he does know something about R? You didn’t want to be lied to. No matter what the reason was. You needed to keep looking for the Cursed Vaults to find Jacob. You knew if your brother wasn’t missing things might have been normal. What if there were more people you couldn’t trust? What if you couldn’t trust your friends? There would be nobody left. Your mother doesn’t want to hear anything about the Cursed Vaults and you knew your dad wouldn’t either after Jacob’s disappearance. You would be all alone…

Your eyes widened when Ben pulled you into a tight hug. “B-Ben?” You said very softly, surprised by his action. “I don’t want you to think I’m not being honest with you.” He said. “I want you to trust me.” He said softly, still not letting go. “I want to trust you as well.” You spoke up softly. “Then, how could I prove it to you?” He asked softly. “Really, I would do anything.” He said, sounding just a little nervous. You thought about something, wondering if he would tell you the truth. “Do you promise to tell me the truth…?” You asked. “Of course.” He said immediately. “Have… have you seen me do something more often lately…?” You asked. “I-eh… I think so…” He said softly. “What have I been doing?” You asked, blushing slightly. “You were… you were staring at me.” He said. “Do you know why...?” You asked. “No, I really don’t.” He said honestly. You avoided his gaze, blushing more. You bit your lip, wondering if you should tell him why you have been staring at him. You took a deep breath.

“I like you, Ben… I really like you.” You said seriously. Ben looked baffled, almost wanting to make himself believe you just really liked him as a good friend. But he couldn’t do that. He knew what kind of like you were talking about. “I-if I wasn’t clear enough, I fancy you, Ben…” You mumbled softly, blushing more. You slowly hid your face in your hands, feeling a bit embarrassed you have told him you liked him. “That is why I do want to trust you. I don’t want to feel like you are suspicious.” You said softly. It all sounded a little muffled, because you didn’t pull your hands away from your face. Meanwhile Ben was trying to let this all sink in. He didn’t expect to hear this from you after you began crying. He thought the friendship would be over after he attacked you by accident. Now he was feeling like a blushing mess.

Ben slowly pulled your hands away from your face, looking into your eyes. “Do you actually mean it?” He asked. You nodded. “Do I have to say it again?” You asked, still blushing. He shook his head and then he leant in closer to your face. “I actually like you a lot too…” He said softly, blushing a lot. You couldn’t refrain yourself from kissing him. He tensed up a little for a moment. Once he relaxed he kissed you back. The kiss was sweet and you could feel the tension you felt earlier leaving your body. You were sure about one thing; he liked you as well. If he didn’t like you he would probably have let you know in some kind of way. He wouldn’t have kissed you back if he didn’t like you nor he would have told you.

You two looked at each other, both still blushing a lot. “I hope that convinced you that I’m honest with you.” He said softly. “I promise I will tell you the truth.” He said softly. You nodded lightly. “I believe you, Ben.” You said softly. You rubbed away the last tears, slowly smiling again. He seemed to smile as well. Perhaps running into him wasn’t as bad as you anticipated. You definitely felt a lot better about everything. You have got a lot off your chest and it made you feel pretty calm again. Well, you were also excited because you have just kissed your crush and admitted you liked him. You were happy he liked you back and you knew this was the start of something new.

Ben held your hand when you two walked towards the Great Hall. You two weren’t saying much besides smiling a lot. It was like you two didn’t need any words to show each other how you were feeling. Although Ben decided to bring up the attack. “I feel like I have to make things up with you.” He said. “Please, I’m going to feel bad if I don’t do anything.” He said honestly. “Hm…” You thought about what he could do. “Perhaps you could help me with Charms, so I can improve myself.” You said. “Or, perhaps we can go to Hogsmeade together.” You said with a grin. “How about we do both?” Ben said with a smile. “I really like that idea a lot.”

#harry potter hogwarts mystery #hogwarts mystery #hogwarts mobile game #hogwarts mystery imagine #ben copper #mc #rowan khanna #harry potter imagine #imagine

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returnedmemories · 5 years

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Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

#suicide mention #im sorry #all their no privacy shit doesnt even work cos i was just left alone all night when i wanted to kill myself #and took then three days to notice the wound on my arm #didnt cut my veins or anything dangerous i just couldnt stop scratching #at my skin for an hour and now there's a bit of a mess there #but its scabbed over so its fine #i drew all over the other arm to keep from hurting myself again #i thought i was okay after that nice experience at the build a bear workshop but im even #worse today cos now i k ow the staff are just fuckin fine with transphobia and im gonna just have to #shut my mouth i guess #fuck just look forward to the art classes whenever i finally get to do them #but i was looking forward to the class today and then i couldnt do it cos i got all scared of dad #fuckkkkkkk

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