returnedmemories

[returnedmemories]

My daughter is finally home!!!!!!!!!

I never in a million years thought my baby would come home. I missed out on practically her whole life. I'm getting a second chance, and I honestly don't feel like I deserve one.

#healing#movingforward

#healing

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She hurt me so much just now. She put Emma's urn outside her bedroom door. Because she's mad. It feels like she tried to throw Emma away.

I hurt so much. I'm miserable.

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to be me anymore

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This is for me, not you

No. I don't like you.

I loved you.

Because you were my dad.

But I hated you.

And you knew it.

I understand why you didn't like me.

It must have been difficult.

To have your own child hate you.

I don't know how many times you screamed at me:

"You don't have to like me but you will respect me".

You can't demand respect.

I never respected you.

How could I?

You terrorized me.

YES.

TERRORIZED.

I was so afraid of you.

I was in a constant state of fear.

Never knowing when you were going to come after me...

WE WERE ALL SO FUCKING AFRAID OF YOU

Your wife and children were NEVER your property.

It's disgusting that you treated us like we were.

I deserved better than you.

We all did.

I'm pretty sure deep down you know that.

And if you don't, Well...

I'm telling you.

I didnt deserve to be abused by you.

I was a child.

I couldnt protect myself.

I went to extreme lengths to get away from you.

You hurt me.

You hurt me so much, I started wishing I was dead.

I couldn't take it.

I was only 10 years old.

I hated myself so much.

You did that.

I felt worthless. You told me I was.

I was depressed. You didn't show me love.

I felt hated. You told me you did.

I felt shame. You made me hate myself.

I felt despair. I couldn't protect myself.

I couldn't protect myself from you.

I wish you had never gotten sober.

Then I could blame alcohol.

You're a hateful person.

Why?

Why did you make me and my sister stand on the front lawn with trash cans on our heads?

She was 7. I was 10.

Do you remember?

I remember.

You said: "So the neighbors can see what fucking stupid kids I have."

What had we done wrong?

I don't remember.

I can't remember why we were ever being punished for anything.

It was never about teaching us.

You lashed out.

Angry.

Violent.

Completely out of control.

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It feels like no matter how hard I try, things don't work out for me.

I have a job interview tomorrow though.

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My feelings are hurt. I thought you were my friend.

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I made a mistake. I was having a really bad time with my mental health, And I shared more than I normally would with a manager because I thought we were friends. Now I might not have a job. I want to kill myself now. I want to hurt them. She could have warned me, not ambushed me with every member of management. They aren't truly "worried " for me. If they were truly worried they should have reached out to me 3 days ago. I guess they waited to see if I would turn up to my next shift alive before "getting concerned".

Another example of why I'll never have friends, and I'll always be alone. I'm never opening my mouth about anything personal again. Lesson learned. Zipped lips from now on.

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I had a breakdown at work today and self-harmed. Why am I like this? At least I made it through my shift and didn't go home early.

I'm really tired.

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EPIPHONY! Can I finally forgive my dad?

I was thinking, it's hard to like someone when that person doesn't like you.

Well, I hated my dad. And he knew it.

Yea he's a piece of shit, abusive person. Mentally ill,( like me) for sure. But still.... him knowing how negatively I felt about him had to have made it easier for him to abuse me. I'm certain of it.

It's hard to like someone who doesn't like you.

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Random memory which watching Maid.

When I stayed home from school sick in elementary school I made a "wall" with my pillows and stuffed animals to hide from my dad. I remember being so scared he would realize I was home.

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I survived Thanksgiving with minimal thoughts of suicide. I was a complete mess without anyone to talk to, however writing about it helped. Im glad I am still here. Any time I think about making it all stop and giving up, I think about what it would do to my mother. I’ve lost a child. I know that pain. I could never do that to her.

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How is my poor mother the kind, compassionate women she is? After all the traumas she has survived, she remained kind. Tonight she recalled a memory. I want her to share with me, but hearing some of it... is hard. I love her so much. I want to HURT all of the people in her life that did her harm. It turns my stomach.

She told me

She remembered talking to the jury and telling them what she saw. She was young.

She saw two men run past her door, down the hall. She saw a spark out in the hall, and witnessed a man getting shot.

My mother said,

"The wife of the man who was shot had blood running from her nose, and there was so much blood it was pouring down over her mouth, and blood run into her mouth as she talked to the cop. It was so bad I almost threw up."

My grandma drank through her pregnancy with my mother. She also gave her beer in her bottle as an infant because "it was the only thing that would sooth her" My mom reported her legs were messed up and she was supposed to have leg braces.

My mom was sexually abused at a young age. She lived in many different homes with different family members and foster homes. Every place she lived she was abused.

She witnessed her mom being being beaten badly by her husband's. She lived for a time in a house full of adults who were pill addicts and alcoholics. Fighting, yelling, and violence was a common theme.

When she lived with her dad, she was tortured by her step mom. Grandpa Albert would be at work all day and she would be under the thumb of Kim. I've been told stories of how her sister laid awake in the night crying because her arm was broken and she received no medical treatment. Kim would mock her as she cried in pain. She would starve my mom and aunt. Make them stand in time out all day and not feed them.

On the 4th of July my mom said Kim threw a chicken butt on her plate, told her that was her lunch, and laughed. My mom said she burst into tears.

And yet... she is the sweetest woman in the world. She has a huge heart! She hates even hearing that an insect has been killed. Her compassion is truly overwhelming.

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2020 Visit

Noah said he was worried that he would grow up to be like his dad. Of course you wont Noah. Youve shown your beautiful heart and ability to empathize with others since you were a toddler. You wont grow up to be a monster.

Sara is experiencing depression and having suicidal thoughts during her menstrual cycle. They are working on getting her hormones balanced. I hope it helps. I never wanted my kids to feel that way inside

she loved her hatchimal and graphic novels. Noah seemed to like the flying saucer best.

I think they both liked the photo blankets i got them. maybe i should do more, with more photos of us all together.

Amy and adens photos and letter came. I wasn't freaking out about it arriving this year. last year, it not coming until feb had me freaking out. i was so worried i would have to take them to court to get the updates. So glad they just forgot.

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the secret life of bees

Great movie. Had me crying off and on throughout the entire movie. When her dad told her good riddance, it really punched me in the stomach. How many times has my own dad made it clear that he didn't love me, didn't want me. Didnt love me. Especially if he couldn't control me.

It was beautiful that she could change good riddance into your better off here.

I wish I was strong enough to change all of my dads I hate yous, to im terrified and not in control of my emotions.

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Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

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Jelly

I'm feeling really depressed. My mom told me about a time his other grandma made the kids lunch and Aden sat down down and said "ah, just peanut butter"

Maybe its not a big deal but my heart hurts. I should have been there to put jelly on their sandwitches, and to make sure they were being given enough milk and food to eat. He is so much older now but I'm hurting so much for the little boy who didnt get jelly on his sandwich.

I miss him so much. I miss all of them all of the time. I keep trying to shut the door on that memory and it wont stay shut. Why did things have to be this way?

I want to be their mother so badly but its too fucking late. I cant change the past, and no matter how hard I wish it, im never going to wake up in the past and beable to fix everything. I really hope. They are happy, and i really hope their adoptive family loves them and is treating them like they would their own biological children. I just want to see them. Hug them. And no with 100 percent certainty that they are ok.

She should have fucking put jelly on the kids sandwiches!

And kids, wherever you are, I hope your happy, and safe, and being given all the love and security with your new family that you deserve. I love you so much. I want your lives to be so much better than mine. I will always love and miss you.

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Im so happy I was allowed to call my kids this christmas. The last few christmas's have been miserable, but being able to talk to them this year makes things so much better. I hope over time i will have more contact with them. I have no life without them. Im still trying to learn to live without them. Its hard. Really hard. Im so happy they are in a safe, functional, loving family now. I wish i could provide that for them.