#After that i kinda ghosted him. I dont think he acted with ill intent etc but i genuinely didnt feel safe and couldnt see myself trust him

[mrfoox]

Ok I've kinda realized my last date experience probably scared me more than I realized lol

#miranda talking shit #It wasnt ... Super bad but like looking back yes ill laugh about the whole thing but also i was so uncomfortable and scared...? #Matched with a cool guy. He was kinda different/odd which i am too ya know? #We messaged a lot and he seemed cool so we set a date and i invited him over bc i trusted him. Things were going well for an hour or two we #Talked a lot and it was nice just getting to know each other ... Idk if i asked if we could cuddle or if he initiated it but i love cuddles #So it was nice and then i think he said something like it was awkward or his arm got tired or something bc we were in the couch and i #Well not thinking about any social norms kinda just said well we can cuddle in bed. I specifically said just cuddle and looking back like #Yeah thats not part of the social norms and probably is interpreted as something more but me being me i am naive and actually dont have #Ulterior motives and just wants cuddles... We get there and cuddles for a while but then he start getting handsy and like yea /: #Im so anxious irl and my brain always work so slow i never... Mentally catch that i feel uncomfortable socially. So i kinda didnt say stop #But i wasnt... Doing much in return yea /: and i genuinely dont know what to do ij such situations... Like i had told him before we met i #Was an virgin and wasnt looking to hook up and he was respectful for that so he didnt push for 'more' but even just above the clothes i was #Uncomfortable and not in on that .... He stopped trying after he realized i was kinda avoiding his touch but that took like 10 mins #After that i kinda ghosted him. I dont think he acted with ill intent etc but i genuinely didnt feel safe and couldnt see myself trust him #Again so... Yeah.... Like i can joke about that whole thing but i realize now it probably bothered me more than i thought #Its not the first time someone has 'pushed my boundaries' in those type of ways and i think once again i downplay it yo hell and back #I did in the past to when my ex was pushy... I guess i dont know how to handle it like i feel so uncomfortable in the moment and then after #I feel awkward and bad about it so my solution is to joke about it bc to the outside my reactions are probably funny in the right light #And its easier to laugh about an situation than to actually reflect on how it made you feel and so on.... #This i kinda just realized tonight like wow .... I mean i dont know what to do with that information but seeing it is a start #Ive thought about getting back into datinf but ive found a lot of excuses and now im like... Ok maybe theres a reason outside my usual stuf