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ilovereadingandilovebreathing · 5 years

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Inside, Outside, Upside Down

A/N: I loved Dan Howell’s coming out video, but in like a painful, “same, dude” kind of way for a lot of it. You’ll see some similarities and likely unintentional references. I guess this is kind of an update to the college AU. *throws my emotions like confetti and runs*

•Takes place during Pride month•

Characters: Roman, Patton, Virgil (Platonic Royality and Prinxiety)

⚠️WARNINGS⚠️: internalized biphobia, negative self talk, crying, little bit of crude talk about penises, cussing, body horror mentions, religious topics

••••

Roman scrolled listlessly through his Twitter feed, his heart doing somersaults at the constant colors filtering across his screen. So much positivity. So much love for and within the community, and yet he felt so much pain. So much isolation. The bright colors seemed a bitter, ironic contrast to how Roman felt, and he quietly turned off his phone, laying his arm over his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“The last time you napped in the late afternoon, you didn’t sleep until 3am. Please don’t do that to me again.”

Roman started a bit at the sudden noise, but he moved his arm up enough to roll his eyes at Virgil as he leaned over the back of their shared couch. “Not sleeping. Just resting. Contemplating.”

“Contemplating?....”

“Dinner.”

“Fair.” Virgil went around the couch and curled up in their worn arm chair, pulling out his phone and scrolling languidly. “You decided whether or not you’re coming to Pride with us?”

Something stabbed painfully at Roman’s chest.

[[MORE]]

“Mmm not yet. Not sure how busy I’ll be around then.”

“It’s in a few days, Roman.”

“I know, but summer professors can be sneaky bastards sometimes.”

“You’re taking P.E.”

“And Advanced Shakespearean Studies!”

“Yeah whatever. You know you’re too good at that shit to worry.” Virgil chuckled and grinned wickedly. “I hope your professor properly expounds on all the homoeroticism.”

“He doesn’t have to. It’s pretty obvious.” Roman laughed a bit. “Shakespeare isn’t exactly known for subtly. He’s the king of dick jokes.”

“It’s a well-earned title, but honestly, dicks are an easy target. They can be pretty hilarious.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t know.”

“I thought you were bi?”

Roman froze. “I am....but that doesn’t mean I’ve...you know....”

“Been with a guy.”

“Right. Kind of self-preservation when you’re from a town like mine and in the social media age.”

“That sucks. Sorry to hear it.”

“It is what it is, I suppose.”

They lapsed into silence, uncomfortable for Roman, but Virgil didn’t seem to notice as he focused on his phone.

Suddenly, Virgil spoke up, “If you’re worried about someone exposing you or something, I totally won’t judge if you sit out on Pride. I don’t think Logan is going because of all the stimuli and stuff, so you could hang out with him.”

“Oh, yeah. That’d be fine.” Roman replied, slinging his arm back over his eyes.

“Hey, you okay?” The hint of worry in Virgil’s tone wasn’t lost on Roman.

“Why do you ask?”

“Your arm. Do you have a headache?”

“Not literally. Metaphorically, that might be a good name to give it.”

“Oh. Something’s bothering you, then?”

“Yes, but why do you care?”

There’s silence for a moment, and then Virgil quietly implored, “don’t do this, Roman.”

“Do what?” Roman uncovered an eye to peer at Virgil, curious and perhaps even challenging him.

“Isolate yourself. Push us- Push me away.” Virgil’s tone was laced with bitterness, and he sighed. “You did it when your Grandma was sick. You do it when exams are stressing you out. I get the need for alone time, but isolating yourself when you need support is...can be dangerous.”

Roman scoffed and rolled to face the back of the couch. “It’s not like you’re any better. You’re not exactly Mr. Open with your emotions.”

“But I go to a therapist, and I know you don’t. I talk to you guys when I need to, but for the most part, my stuff is just....in my head.” Virgil sighed. “Roman...if you don’t want to talk, I understand, and that’s okay, but if you do want to talk, I am listening, open, and willing to hear what you have to say.”

Virgil’s voice had become small and tapered, and a pang of guilt sliced through Roman’s chest. It was true, Roman had avoided going to therapy for fear of digging up things that he...wasn’t quite ready to deal with yet, but Virgil swore by therapy; he had even brought them some resources he believed would help their home dynamic. Virgil was using his version of one of the scripted conversation starters from the “Communication is Key” pamphlet currently stacked under their coffee table, and, despite how patronized Roman often felt with these approaches, Roman decided for once he could humor Virgil, even if just a bit.

Besides, Roman knew perfectly well that he was hiding and intentionally so, but he also knew that his roommates, especially Patton, got upset when he hid himself away when he was struggling, but it was summer and Pride, and Roman didn’t know which was worse: the guilt of bringing his friends down or drowning in his own thoughts. Considering the second was a metaphorical death, Roman decided to bite the bullet and take the plunge.

“I’m sorry I upset you.” Roman took a deep breath to keep himself steady, doing his best to remember the scripted reply to what Virgil had said. “No, I’m not fine...I do need to talk, but I’m hesitant. I want to talk, I think, but I don’t know how to talk about it, really. It all seems so ridiculous.”

“That’s off script.” Virgil quipped not unkindly, peering at Roman over his phone. “You can verbally process, if you need to. Talk therapy. Just let out whatever comes to mind, coherent or not.”

“You mean rant.”

“That’s the layman’s term, yeah.”

Roman exhaled through his nose and sat up, legs crossed and forearms resting on his calves. He stared at the carpet for a few minutes, getting his thoughts together as best as he could before getting in to it.

“As sucky as it is....I think Pride is my problem.”

“Yeah? Why?”

“Because I’m closeted.” Roman said it as if the connection should have been obvious.

“So...you’re jealous?”

“I mean, yeah, if you want to be blunt about it.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“So...is jealous all you feel?”

“...No.”

“Is jealous not the root of your issue, then?”

“.....”

“Roman?”

“...No.”

“What is, then?”

“I don’t know.”

“You said you feel more than just jealous. How else do you feel?”

Roman gasped when he realized his hand was gripping his shirt, over his heart. “....Hurt...”

“And?”

“...Sad...”

“And?”

“...Overwhelmed.”

“Why?”

“Because...” Roman erupted into a rough, humorless laugh; he crooked his arms in his lap and rested his forehead against his palms, his hair falling forward to hide his face. “...I don’t know. I just...do. God, I can’t get in to this right now.”

“In to what? Why can’t you?”

“Because it hurts.”

“What hurts?”

“Pride.”

“And?”

“It’s not just Pride. It’s something else. What is it, Roman? You can tell me. I promise I won’t judge.”

“....It’s not so simple.”

“What’s not?”

“Everything.”

“You gotta be more specific.”

“Everything around being Bi in my life. My sexuality, my life....my past. It’s not as clean and easy as yours. You got to come out to your mom and grandma.”

“Yeah, after years of hating and questioning myself-“

“Well, I’m still doing that.”

There is a beat of silence.

“God, Roman. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t. Stop. I don’t want your pity. Or anyone’s pity. I don’t need it.” Roman scoffed and caught himself; he squeezed his hands, pulling lightly at his roots as he fought himself to keep control. “Sorry. I’m glad you care, but it’s just...it’s so hard to talk about.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I need to!” Roman’s head shot up; his eyes were glistening, tinged a pale pink. “I need to talk about it so badly. So badly it feels like it’s...like it’s eating at me from the inside. It’s clawing at me, my heart, my brain, my organs. It’s like an evil little creature or a disease or something that’s eating away at me constantly. I have to talk about it because if I don’t I’ll keep stewing in it like I am now, but if I do talk about it, it’s like getting cancerous tumor removed, but I’m awake during the operation. It’s killing me, but the thought of getting it out scares me even more than dying because who knows what the side effects could be!” Roman was openly crying now, tears trailing down his cheeks as he stared at Virgil, all but verbally pleading for him to listen, to care.

Virgil was frozen, unsure how to proceed now that Roman so clearly wanted to talk but was so unwilling to continue. Plus, touching was a no-go that day, and Roman clearly needed someone to help ground him.

Thankfully for them both, Patton’s afternoon class had ended, so their cheery yet paternally inclined roommate breezed through the front door before either could react.

“Happy Monday, Roomies!” Patton rounded the couch to head to his room, but he stopped short when he finally registered the mood of the room, looking from Virgil to the sniffling Roman before dropping his bag on the coffee table to run to Roman’s side. Roman resisted being drawn into Patton’s embrace, but he allowed Patton to take his hand, the other smiling sadly as he tenderly plucked a tissue from the box on their end table and wiped the tears from Roman’s cheeks. “Not so happy Monday, huh?” Patton muttered.

Virgil shook his head. “Ro, are you done?”

“Yes...or, no....I just-I don’t know. It’s just so hard.”

“What’s hard, baby?” Patton cut in, tone low and soothing which only made Roman cry harder.

“Talking about...everything.”

Patton looked to Virgil for elaboration, but the other shook his head. “Remember, more specific. The past?”

“I....I just....it’s just not...not good.”

“Why does Pride make you think of your past?”

“Because...I can’t be part of it.” Roman hiccuped over a sob. “I’m not out to anyone at home, and I’m so scared they’ll find out somehow, but...I’m so so tired of being scared. I’m so tired of having to hide a whole part of myself because someone decided it me wrong for me to be my whole self. I’m so tired of remembering how shitty things are back home.”

“I’m so sorry, Ro.” Patton rubbed the back of Roman’s hand with his thumb, his other hand on Roman’s knee. “We’ve definitely taken our families’ ultimate openness to us fore-granted.” There was an implication there, of shared pain and questioning and heartache, but Virgil and Patton had both been at that stage before, and they knew Roman didn’t want to hear their sad stories that ultimately ended happy. That wasn’t how Roman saw his story ending just then.

“...Hey...” Roman’s tone was lighter, slightly manic around the edges as he hiccuped and let out an off-kilter laugh. “You guys ever heard of ‘pray the gay away?’”

Patton and Virgil both cringed

“Of course.” Virgil replied with a humorless laugh of his own. “It’s kind of a politically incorrect meme now, though.”

“Yeah...it doesn’t work.” Roman suddenly sobered. “I tried. So many times. I begged God to take it back, but, like Lady Gaga said, He doesn’t make mistakes. Or really, He doesn’t do take-backsies.” Roman giggled, but it quickly melted into cries again.

“Holy shit, Ro.” Virgil’s jaw worked painfully, and he gripped the thick arm of his chair.

“Yeah, my family is that type. The ‘not-friendly-to-LGBT-kids’ type.” Roman’s voice shuddered. “Or to LGBT anyone. I never told any of them, especially not my parents...” Roman’s voice caught and lowered to a whisper. “...I never even told my grandmother. I was so scared that it would shatter everything we have. I love her so much, but I just...didn’t know how she would react. And I couldn’t handle...if she rejected me.” Roman was openly sobbing, and he opened his arms for Patton to comfort him which the latter took on more than willingly.

Patton held Roman to his chest, one hand on the back of his head and the other holding him close. Patton rocked them both carefully, and after a minute or two, he spoke softly in Roman’s ear.

“Roman, you are so beautiful and wonderful just as you are, no matter what anyone says. Logan, Virgil, and I love you so much, and I know your grandmother does to.” Patton held on tighter when Roman cried roughly. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to wonder and to question. Please know that we love you and are here if you need us to be. You don’t have to go through this alone, lovebug. You’re not alone.” Roman just continued to cry in Patton’s arms, feeling safe yet free when surrounded by Patton’s comfort.

Eventually, Roman cried himself out. He still gripped Patton like a lifeline, reaching out to pluck tissues from the box Patton had moved in front of them. He stayed propped against Patton after the tears had slowed, staring at the ceiling and pondering what he should say because he knew he needed to be the one to speak.

“Thank you.”

Rough, quiet, but a good start.

“Thank you both for listening. I’m sorry all of that flooded out of me; it’s just been bottled for too long, I suppose.”

“We’re here for you, Ro.” Virgil responded, wiping at his own eyes; he had since pulled a leg into the recliner and had his arms pulling it close, like a security item. “Just let us know when you need it and what we can do. You have to know by now-” Virgil took a deep breath, steadying and lowering his voice from where it had risen. “I hope you know that you don’t have to do anything alone.”

“I know. In my mind I do. It’s just so hard...I struggle to understand that people love and care about me, you know? After so many years of being forgotten and dropped by people...it’s just hard to ask for help without feeling like a burden.”

“You’re not a burden.” Patton squeezed him tight, resting his cheek against Roman’s head and rocking them a bit. “But you’re definitely carrying one, and it’s okay to let other people help you carry it. Loads become lighter when they’re shared.”

“Nice metaphor.” Roman blows his nose and sighs, sitting up out of Patton’s arms. “I’m so tired. Being honest is exhausting.”

“And not sleeping.” Virgil adds with an eye roll. “I can hear you bumping around at night.”

“You shouldn’t be awake at all hours, either, Captain Insomnia.”

“You just contradicted your own point; I have a medical reason for not sleeping.”

“Okay, kids.” Patton cut in gently, laying his hand in Roman’s arm. “Someone needs a nap.” Patton stood and pulled Roman up despite the others’ protest. “Just a short one. I’ll time it and wake you up so you can sleep tonight, okay? I’ll walk you up for dinner. Don’t worry.” Patton gave Roman a light push toward his bedroom.

“Hey, Ro.” Virgil spoke up, looking at his phone again to break to seriousness of the moment. “I can totally skip out on Pride and hang out with you. We can have our own, private little celebration here. No social media involved.”

“Oooo a party!” Patton wiggles excitedly in place. “A just us party sounds fun! We can decorate the whole apartment! I can even come up with some games! Yeah let’s do it! We can skip out on big Pride this year.”

Roman paused and turned part of the way around, glancing over the pair shyly. “I don’t want you two missing out on celebrating on my account. Please, go. I’ll be fine.”

“But I want to stay in. It might rain that day, and sometimes the huge crowd can be...overwhelming.” Virgil really put effort into his denial, but Roman rolled his eyes.

“It’s your choice. If you want to party, I won’t be upset or offended. It’s not like I’ve ever been to Pride before to know what I’m missing.” Roman grimaced at the accidental guilt trip, but the other two seemed unperturbed.

“It’s fun, but we can have our own fun tailored to what we like and want out of Pride.” Patton smiled and shooed Roman toward his room. “Go sleep. Don’t worry about any of it.”

Roman sighed and trudged toward his room, rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn as he went.

Once Roman’s door was closed, Virgil turned to Patton. “We’re actually doing this Pride party, right? Because there’s no way in hell I can go knowing that he’s going to be sitting here alone with all those shitty thoughts in his head.”

“Absolutely!” Patton grinned and flopped back onto the couch. “That means Lo won’t have to be alone, either. He always acts like he doesn’t care, but I know he’d like to be involved if he could, especially since he just figured out he’s Asexual and all.”

Virgil nodded. “We don’t have long to party plan.”

“Let’s get to it, then! We can order take out from Roman’s favorite place tonight.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Virgil moved to the couch, and the pair spent the hours before and after dinner conspiring to put together a memorable Pride party for their friends.

Spoiler: it was a great time.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #thomas sanders fic #thomas sanders fanfic #tsfanfics #mine

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quiltwork · 4 years

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But to go on a weird tangent; That voices book reminds me a whole lot of internal family systems therapy.. WHICH REMINDS ME OF MY (Old??) PARTS I HAD when I was a kid/teen. That I OFTEN ASSOCIATE WITH KINS BECAUSE THAT IS THE BEST WAY I’VE FOUND TO DESCRIBE/SHOW THEM OFF, OKAY??! Don’t make this weird...

So going off of the book’s categorization of voices and the roles of internal families, I’ve summarized my parts to be:

The Queen Bee, Manager. Full of Pride and Self-Justification. Brandy Harrington from Brandy and Mr. Whiskers. This part covers up “weaknesses” of being autistic, learning disabled, domestic violence, emotional neglect, multiple family member abandonment, and child on child sexual abuse. She represents that 11 year old me who tried so hard to fit in and emulate her abusers. All she wanted was to be affirmed, valued and validated.

Same with the other “Queen” Manager lol. Another part full of Pride. This one specifically I held onto at 13 because I just could not get any real discussion going with my mom on why I questioned my sexuality, and I just felt super invalidated so I rebelled as a form of “self care”. The difference between the Queens is one wants to fit in, the other wants to stand out but still be the Best That Ever Was, hahaha. They cover up all the same so-called weaknesses still (ZIM covers up grooming abuse as well), and really just need to both know they’re valued by Jesus, so they can celebrate their strengths instead of using them as a shield.

And this is the final Queen, the Dream Queen Manager. Sawyer from Cats Don’t Dance. Basically the idealized working class woman who finds success eventually after hustling to the max. My teenage dream come true to finally reaching adulthood after the mess of childhood and coming out on Top Better than The Rest. A sort of weird euphoria fever dream of “I can’t wait for my life to start in college and career!” completely disregarding my mental health. Still needs to know she’s loved by God and it’s okay to be disabled, use her strengths instead for her community.

Foreign Exchange Boy, the Manager. Self doubt, self condemning, second guessing. Steven Universe. 15-16 year old victim wearing the disguise of a boy because she hates her body that much by now and wishes she were the opposite, a strong fat boy. This part literally ran on shame in a way that was running away from sexual traumas instead of facing them and accepting them (like all Managers do, basically). This voice reveals our human limitations. Through biblical self awareness, she can hold herself accountable as a girl without striving for the impossible. She can learn to love her body.

Good Girl Nice Girl and/or Runaway. Mihashi Ren. I see them as a mixture of both Manager and Firefighter. Normally people pleasing at the expense of herself, but ready to run somewhere else if things get out of control. This parts been around for as long as I can remember, since my preteens, actually. This part says it’s good to serve others and share in their happiness.

Being a good kid and meeting my peers’ expectations of a nice girl who would do anything so they wouldn’t leave, and that she could absorb their identities and self esteem. Jesus taught it was good to serve without expecting anything back. You typically won’t, anyway, with the way this part likes to go about it. When she runs, she can run to God’s rest in prayer like in times’ past. He doesn’t grow weary from work that He should want breaks from us.

The Revolutionary Manager. Dan from Dan Vs. From 16 to 17 as I was still trans, I was absolutely fed up with the world by this point that I snapped. Not that I haven’t before, many parts beg to differ... This voice Resents, Condemns and Controls Others to try to fix the broken world, so they in turn can fix themselves. Real petty stuff, but funny in a cartoon. The good thing this part means to say is it’s good to look out for your neighbor, esp if they’re on a harmful path. Jesus shows how He challenged others without forcing them to be like Him, but to forgive and trust their lives in the Father’s hands.

The Lovesick Love Interest Manager. Yuno Gasai. I didn’t know there was a character who could so accurately describe a part, and her show came out a year after this part took over, so there were no influences. At 14-15 years old, I developed love addiction for this girl and convinced her to date me so I could stave off suicidal thoughts from my emotional neglect and abandonment. She’d cheat, me being immature thinking she was too cowardly to tell them to leave her alone, I’d fight off boys at every turn.

Exalting myself to prove my worth, people pleasing her to keep her around and have an identity and self worth, and overcorrecting and fighting rivals to keep the relationship safe. All in the game of covering up the sexual abuse, grooming abuse and neglect which lead to this. Eventually when I lost her due to putting up boundaries after saying yes to too many things I didn’t truly agree to, this Manager slowly faded into the Revolutionary. Whoops. Jesus still sees and loves her in her weaknesses, she doesn’t have to earn His love because He stays anyway, and He doesn’t have favorites.

A Manager I don’t have a kin for. Mute was silent in public. Schools and everywhere else, she kept quiet to avoid ridicule and rejection. Exalts Others by fading into the background. Wishes she could make friends, but can’t out of fear. Assumes she’s in good standing and is noticed already for it, but is instead ignored or denied a personality. This voice says it’s good to listen more than quickly speak. God sees me and wants to be my friend. Nothing I do could surprise Him enough to give up on me.

We’re onto the Firefighters. This is Ghost. A couple times during toddler years, once during my preteens, Ghost’s dissociation was a mainstay at 13 onwards. Sometimes floating around causing chaos without realizing it, for me to come to and be horrified at the awkward consequences. Because of outside or inside stress, she zones out somewhere.

She held back traumatic memories with amnesia, as well. This response is a God given pain medication and sedative, but during inopportune times, we need to dance, stomp our feet, feel textures, notice colors and food tastes to wake up. Or remember something funny or lovely from nostalgia if emotionally numb, too.

The others I don’t have kins for. I can only describe them. Bingey feels the worlds out of control, so she overeats to calm down. I may not be able to control what the world does, but I am accountable to how much food I take in. I make our meals every 4 hours with snacks in-between. I’ve found I love cooking, and it’s okay to enjoy life’s pleasures in moderation. Daydream jumps on dissociation wagon by hanging out in the bedroom all day to go to another fantasy world. This voice shows us it’s okay to have dreams and be in awe of God’s creation. He has a hopeful future for us that we’ll love and we can worship Him for His work, instead of escaping into illusions and never going outside.

Itch is the unaware self harmer. Skin picking. Whenever stressed, here it comes. This voice reminds me that we need care. Like a toddler crying and tugging on our clothes for help and love. Gently redirect the Itch somewhere else to take care of the child underneath.

There’s Masochist. Self harmer who uses sex. Born out of shame, sexual traumas, family dynamics. Masochist loves to bully “weaknesses” like being too skinny, eating too much, having a female body, being a sexual object, being stupid. Feeds on rape fantasies by themselves or showing up to keep relationships safe when I don’t feel like being intimate with others. But in Jesus, I can love myself for my weight, sex, and disabilities because He does and He made me this way. He shows me I can be sexually pure in marriage with a godly man who loves me for me. If marriage is not destined, I’m still okay with God.

Finally, Student is the workaholic perfect kid to deflect attention away from obvious dysfunctional family dynamics, so nothing worse happens in foster homes. Born from domestic violence, school torture and seclusion, training and brainwashing beliefs of internalized ableism and masking, and the idea from family to never tell the truth about home life. There’s nothing wrong with working, but we can’t be perfect or hide everything forever. I can work for God and tell Him the truth without fear of tragedy.

#long post #of course there's the exiles #but I haven't read that far yet #that's enough for today #I'm exhausted #tbh??#can a person have THIS many parts and NOT have DID???#This concerns me..

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thechildoflightning · 5 years

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Ch4- Penultimate (November)

Title: Calendrical Consequences [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: Eventual CALM/LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Penultimate (November)- Chapter Four

Summary:

Virgil starts to sort out his feelings surrounding his future testimony and reflects on how his trauma has affected him.

Warnings: PTSD, Past Abuse of a Minor and Related Symptoms (nonsexual), Past Manipulation, Past Cult Involvement, Past Kidnapping, Past Abusive Relationship, Allusions to Sexual Abuse

[ao3 link]

~~~

Penultimate (November)- Chapter Four

~~~

November 4, 2019

Virgil didn’t mind the office. It had basic furniture; a desk, bookshelf, coffee table, a couch, two chairs, with a side table each, and a beanbag.

The desk was messy, with just enough area cleaned out for the shape of a computer. Papers covered it, mostly in uneven lumps. More than one official looking envelope was shoved in between them.

The interesting parts were the decorations. Disney figurines to Pixar plushies to posters of animated characters covered the office in just away that it stayed aesthetically pleasing while not overwhelming. It was childish in a way that still seemed professional, and honestly set Virgil a bit at ease, because these had to be his therapist interest, and the fact that he was sharing for all to see was hopefully a reflection of an open and trustworthy character.

Virgil had never been in a therapist's office quite like it before, but he liked. It wasn’t the same comfort as his old therapist’s office, but it was nice. It had an open and inviting energy to it.

Plus, in the entire office, there wasn’t a single houseplant. Good. His counselor had a few of those, and Virgil absolutely hated them.

“So, how are you feeling about having to testify?”

“Fine,” Virgil mumbled, choosing to train his eyes on a Steven Universe poster in lieu of replying in a deeper manner.

The gentleman across from him sighed and tapped his pen against his notebook.

“Virgil, I know I’m not your old therapist, but I need you to put in some effort here.”

“I am.”

The man shook his head and leaned forward, setting down the notebook for a second as he trained his eyes on Virgil. Virgil looked steadfastly in the other direction.

“No, you’re not. Don’t forget that Dan and me talked. He told me that you would dart around everything until you trusted me. He also told you to give me a chance.”

“So I have trust issues. Big whoop,” Virgil mocked.

Sure he had told Dan that he would give the guy a chance, but wasn’t he technically doing that? He was sitting here in this guy’s office, wasn’t he? That had to count for something.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean?” Virgil asked as a frown crossed his face.

“You don’t trust me. You testify against your abuser in five months. During those five months you will repeatedly discuss the abuse you faced, in detail, digging up seven years of memories. You can’t see Dan. Are you just going to go therapist hopping until then? Ignore your trauma? Bottling everything up? For this to work, I need you to give me a chance,” the therapist insisted.

Something in that mini speech managed to light something in Virgil. From where had been subdued and zoned out, inspecting the room without care, he was now angry and alert. His heart thumped in his chest and the world seemed to press down around him.

“What the hell would you know,” Virgil hissed out, “I went through seven years of hell. Seven years! I spent close to a decade of my life in a fucking cult where the adults manipulated the shit out of me. For seven years I lived with people who literally did not care if I died. And here you are telling me that I need to trust you? Yeah, no fucking way,” Virgil huffed, wiping angry tears from his eyes. When did those get there?

He huffed for breath while his therapist looked at him calmly all the while. Seriously, what was this guy’s deal?

“What was that like?”

“What?”

“What was it like growing up knowing that the people who were supposed to love you didn’t care if you died?” he pressed.

Virgil stared at him and then burst into tears. Trixie put her pressure on him as the humiliation of crying in front of someone unfamiliar rose up within him.

“It was horrible,” Virgil choked out.

“Why?”

“Why?” he asked incredulously, “Because I was fucking kidnapped by a cult!”

The man in front of Virgil just waited.

“Because I thought they cared,” Virgil admitted. “They hurt me, but they told me they loved me. And I know that wasn’t okay, but they told me that they loved me. And they convinced me that no one else cared, but they did. And I wanted to believe them.”

“Did you believe them?”

Virgil hesitated. The therapist rose an eyebrow at him.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“Do you believe it now?”

“I- I mean I know they don’t care about me like my dad does or my friends do. They don’t love me like they were supposed to.”

“But do you still believe they loved you?” he continued to press.

Anger began to well up in Virgil again. Because god, he didn’t know. He had been taken by fucking psychopaths and forced to behave and adhere to their rules and they abused him so of course they didn’t love them.

But they said they did and sometimes they even let him go outside and gather berries or let him have a day off where he didn’t have to do anything at all, and well, that was nice of them right? They didn’t have to do those things and they did and sure they hurt him but...

Virgil looked at the doctor.

“Yes,” he whispered, “I still believe that they loved me.”

The doctor nodded and leaned back in his chair.

“Well Virgil, that’s our time for today. Will I be seeing you next week?”

Virgil looked at the doctor while he gathered his thoughts. Eventually, he nodded and stood.

“I’ll be here,” he said, turning to leave the room.

As he opened the door to exit, he turned around.

“Uh, Dr. Picani?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

“Virgil, I didn’t do anything.”

Virgil hesitated for a second, then shook his head and left.

God, he was absolutely exhausted. Therapy would do that to you. Fuck. And he still had one more class today.

He sighed, swiped at his eyes again, and set a path towards the bus station, Trixie standing faithfully at his side as always.

November 6, 2019

“Are either of you going home this year?” Patton asked.

The exuberant roommate draped himself over the back of the couch and onto both Virgil and Roman.

“No,” they responded at the same time.

“Great! Logan isn’t either, how do you two feel about coming home with me?” Patton questioned with his signature smile.

Roman turned around to look at his friend with a wide smile.

“Hell yeah! That sounds great. Are you sure your family won’t mind?”

Patton grinned back at his younger friend.

“Are you kidding?” he asked, “They’re dying to meet you. Get it? Dying? Kind of like the turkey we’re about to kill? Okay now I just made myself sad. Bad pun, I wish- get it like the wishbone of a turkey- that I could take it back.”

Roman just snorted and rolled his eyes, grinning merrily all the while.

God Patton and Roman were really just overgrown puppies, weren’t they? Not even Trixie had this much energy.

“Virge, you coming with us?” Patton asked, turning the focus over to him.

The smallest boy shrugged.

“I dunno,” he commented.

“Why not,” Roman groaned, flopping onto Virgil’s lap with a dramatic sigh. Virgil scowled, but didn’t bother pushing him off.

“I just- You're already going to have Roman and Logan- I wouldn’t want to impose-” he explained.

“Virgil, do you want to come? It isn’t a trick question.” Pattern asked, looking softly into the younger boys eyes. Virgil quickly looked away and fiddled with his fingers.

“Well, I mean, yes, but-”

“And do you trust that I want you there?”

“Yes-”

“Then what’s the issue.”

Virgil shrugged, “It’s just- y’know, it’s supposed to be family time. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

“Virgil, I need you to listen to me.”

Virgil glanced up and made eye contact with Patton.

“Virgil, I don’t know who told you that you were an obstacle in life, but I want to murder them right now. I’m not inviting you because you make Thanksgiving less fun. I’m inviting you because I genuinely enjoy your company,” he explained in a serious manor.

Virgil gave a small nod and started to grin.

“Is that a yes?” Roman asked, still on top of Virgil.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, his smile growing.

“Wooo, yes! This is going to be great!” Roman said in excitement, jumping off the couch, and by extension, Virgil’s lap.

Patton’s gleeful “I know, right!” quickly followed.

Virgil didn’t join in, but he smiled to himself nonetheless.

November 16, 2019

Virgil wasn’t quite sure how he managed to make it through the day. His brain was so exhausted that he had started to become physically affected by it, the tiredness seeping into his bones and weighing him down. It took all his energy to just open the door to the apartment when he got back. Maybe he would take a quick nap. Yup, that sounded like a good plan.

With a groan, he left to his room and fell onto his bed, prepared to rest as long as he could before being forced to be productive once again.

“Oh, hi,” a voice said.

“Holy shit!” Virgil shouted as he jumped, falling off his bed.

“Woah, dude, it’s just me,” Roman said, “Been sitting on my bed since you walked through the door.”

Wow, he really must of been tired. One of the many outcomes of his PTSD meant that he tended to be hyper aware of his surroundings. Missing Roman completely- who literally was just sitting on his bed in plain view- really was a true indicator of just how drained he was.

Virgil sighed and picked himself off the floor.

“You look like crap,” Roman commented as he put down the textbook he seemed to be scanning.

“Therapy,” Virgil huffed in explanation, “Do you even go to classes? I swear, I’ve never been home when you’re not here.”

Roman laughed, “Yes, I go to classes. You just got stuck with a shitty schedule.”

Virgil groaned but conceded to the truth in his statement.

“But seriously man, are you okay? I don’t care if it was a therapist, I can kick his ass if need be. I mean, I know you said your last session with the new guy went well, but...”

Roman had narrowed his eyebrows, sitting up on his bed. His arms were folded and he pouted a little bit. If he wasn’t so serious- and if Virgil wasn’t so tired- he would have laughed.

“First off, Roman, you literally wouldn’t be able to kick anyone’s ass, you would be too worried about your hair getting ruined or your nails getting chipped.”

“True but-”

“And anyways, yes I’m exhausted, but it was a really good session.”

Roman frowned, “Wait. If you had a good session, shouldn’t you be like, happy?”

Virgil sighed. Roman was a great guy, but he often didn’t get things like this.

“Not always,” Virgil said, “It’s like-” What’s something that Roman could relate to? “Uh, it’s like when your doing play practice, right? And you’re playing your part, but you suck at it. And someone tells you. And it feels awful because this whole time you’ve been doing it wrong and that really hurts. But ultimately, it’s really good because even though it hurts, you now know how to make the character better, which improves the play overall.”

Roman nodded in thought, seeming to take in what Virgil was saying.

“Okay,” he said slowly, “I think I get it, but now explain it with you. Like what’s the character for you and stuff?”

Virgil hesitated and sat up, sitting against the edge of the bed. He picked at the chipped polish on his nails.

“Okay,” he started, “Let’s see. So I’m living my life and honestly- currently not doing that great at it. Sure- I’m making it through and I’m not hurting myself- but I still can’t help but feel my past weigh down my every step these last two months. And not only that, but I also miss- no- feel a connection? Responsibility? To my past to an extent. This makes my life not as good.

“So Picani- my therapist- pointed that out about a week or so ago. Well, a specific part of it. He helped me realize that I still believe that the members of the cult that kidnapped me cared about me. And that hurt. Because it’s true, I do still think they cared to some degree. Even though I know at the same time that that isn't true. And that really sucks. But the good part is that I can work on that with Picani and my life can ultimately improve. My past will always be there, but I can learn to live with it better.”

Sometime during the speech, Roman had gotten up from his bed and sat down onto Virgil’s. His eyes were wide, peering at Virgil.

“Okay, I have another question, and let me know if I’m asking too much,” Roman said after breaking eye contact.

Virgil nodded for him to continue.

“Why do you think they cared about you? They hurt you.”

Roman said it if it was all so simple. Oh, and how Virgil wished it was truly just that simple.

“Have you ever had a friend, or a boyfriend, who was mean to you, but you stayed with them because their status as friend or boyfriend supposedly meant they cared about you? And even though they didn’t care, they told you they did? And that they were the only one who could love you or care about you?”

“I mean- kinda, not as extreme, yeah, but- oh.”

Virgil just nodded.

“Now imagine that for seven years plus those are the only people that you are around. Your parents, teachers, friends, everyone.”

“Fuck,” Roman muttered, flopping back on the mattress.

Virgil did the same. Roman grabbed his hand and held it. They laid there together, staring at the ceiling, together.

November 27, 2019

“Why does Roman get to drive?” Virgil complained when Roman took the seat in front of him.

Said boy turned around to face him, “Because Count Woe-Laf, your legs are the shortest, and mine are the longest. Ergo, I can get the most leg room this way.” Roman then proceeded to move back his chair, ramming into Virgil’s legs.

“Dude, the fuck,” Virgil swore, pulling his legs as tight as they could go to avoid them getting smushed.

“Roman, put your seat back,” Patton chided.

Roman huffed, but pulled it forward. Virgil let his legs stretch out a bit more. This was going to be a long trip.

And long it was. Three hours later and they were almost there, slowly closing in on Patton’s house.

“What are your moms’ names again?” Virgil asked for the fifth time. Patton had just announced they were a few minutes away and he wanted to make sure he got them right.

Roman groaned at the repeated question.

Patton just looked at him again and smile, “Rachel and Bertha.”

Virgil nodded and wrung his hands together. Logan- who was sitting next to him- noticed, and offered the tangle toy he was fiddling with. Virgil took it gratefully. Trixie, from her position in the middle, also nudged his hand and laid her head on his lap. Right. Deep breaths Virgil, you could do this.

“And your siblings names?”

“Dude, he’s said them like a hundred times,” Roman complained from the front, “You know them by now.”

“Well, what if I forgot-”

“Well, what do you think they are?” Roman challenged.

“Blythe, who’s older, Danielle or Dani, who’s younger, and Liam, also younger,” Virgil repeated from memory.

“Yup! Great job kiddo!” Patton said, shooting him a smile.

“See,” Roman pointed out, “You know all their names. Now I get that you're anxious, but your anxiety is making me anxious man.”

“Sorry,” Virgil muttered looking down.

“No,” Roman huffed, “that’s not what I- Ugh whatever. We’re here. Right Patton?”

“Yup!” Patton agreed cheerfully, “Just pull into the driveway.”

Roman did as directed and soon enough all four of them were spilling out of the car. They went around back and grabbed their bags, Virgil also taking Trixie potty and giving her a treat for being so good in the car. His dog really was the best. The four then moved as one mass towards the house. Patton knocked on the old wooden door.

Immediately a cacophony of sounds were heard from the inside. Two voices yelled at the same time they would get the door as a third yelled to slow down. A dog started barking and a faint squaking noise could also be made out. Logan had been smart to bring his headphones, and Virgil mourned for a second that his own were buried in his bag.

A second later the door opened, revealing a teen with curly hair. He let out a gasp when he saw the group.

“Patton!” he exclaimed before leaping at his older brother for a hug. Patton enthusiastically reciprocated it. As they hugged, an older woman and another teenager came behind them.

When Patton and the teenager had let go, the older women ushered them all in, giving Patton a quick hug as he passed.

She ushered them all into the living room and got them all seated before introducing herself.

“Hello,” she greeted them. “You must be Patton’s friends. I’ve heard so much about you! I’m one of Patton’s moms, Rachel.”

“Nice to meet you!” Roman said enthusiastically, caught up in the excitement, “I’m Roman.”

“Virgil,” Virgil muttered from Roman’s side.

“And of course, I know you Logan,” Rachel said with a smile at Patton’s boyfriend.

“Hello Rachel, it is nice to see you again.”

“You too sweetheart. Now, where is Bertha? Bertha?” she called out.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” a voice said, before another woman entered the room. She wiped her hands on her apron and joined them. She gave Patton a large hug before taking a seat next to her wife.

“Ah, I see we’ve already started introductions. Well, I’m Bertha.”

“Roman.”

“Virgil.”

“And I’ve met you Logan.”

“And I’m Liam!” the fifteen year-old piped up.

The other teen then looked up with a scowl.

“Dani,” she said, before turning back to her phone.

“Is that your dog?” Liam then asked, pointing at Trixie and looking up at Virgil.

Virgil looked down at Trixie. She was settled by his feet, and was behaving so well with all the activity around her. She had her eyes trained on Virgil, obviously aware that he was currently in an anxiety provoking situation. She was so good like that.

He also realized in that moment that he hadn’t even asked Patton if he could even bring his dog to his house in the first place.

“Uh yeah- Uh sorry I didn’t even think about asking-” he stuttered.

Trixie pawed at his leg, noting his rising anxiety levels. He took a deep breath and gave her a pet in thanks for the reminder.

“Oh, it’s no worries,” Rachel said with a wave of her hand, “Patton told us she would be coming.”

“She’s so cute!” Liam squealed, “We have a dog too, but we put him outside so he wouldn’t go crazy when all of you showed up. Maybe they could play together. Want me to go get him?”

“Uh well, you can go get him I guess? But Trixie can’t play right now, she’s working.”

“Working?” the boy asked confused, before noticing Trixie's vest, “Oh Trixie’s a service dog? That’s so cool! Well, can I still bring Jonah in? I promise he won’t bug her.” At the end he turned to look more pleadingly at his mothers.

“Virgil, would he bug Trixie? I wouldn’t want to distract her. He’s trained for the most part,” Rachel said.

“Oh, uh it’s fine?”

“Yes!” Liam said with a shout before dashing off to the other room.

“Well, I have to go finish dinner, and I’m pulling your mom to help. You and your friends should probably try to get your stuff upstairs before Liam gets back or you’ll never escape. It’s good to have you back Patton,” Bertha spoke up once the youngest had disappeared.

“It’s good to see you too Mom,” Patton said with a wide smile. She and Patton’s other mom ducked out of the room, leaving only Dani.

Dani also seemed to realize this, looked at Patton, and sighed before standing.

“Bye,” she called as left the room.

“Love you Dani,” Patton called after her.

She grunted but replied with an “I love you too,” before disappearing.

“Okay, I’ll show you guys were you'll be sleeping. My older sister isn’t home, so that room is open.”

November 28, 2019

It was later that night- or early the next morning depending on who you asked- when everyone was asleep that Virgil sat up still wide awake. Unfamiliar places were still hard for him to fall asleep in. He had talked about it with different therapists over the years, never quite coming to an exact conclusion why, but pinning it down as probably some sort of trust and safety thing.

He grew thirsty, so he got up from bed as quietly as possible, and made his way to where he was pretty sure the kitchen was. He found it and rooted around in the cupboards for a glass.

“To your left hun,” a gentle voice said from behind him.

Virgil gasped and spun around, breathing heavily.

“Oh. I’m sorry Virgil, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Bertha said, her hand reaching out as if to comfort the boy, before seemingly thinking better of it and dropping her hand.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m just jumpy,” he replied as his heartbeat returned to its regular rhythm.

“Mmm,” she said in response as she walked over to join him, “I was like that for a while after leaving my ex. Would you like some tea?”

“Uh, sure?”

She grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and poured water in them.

“I think we’ll just use the microwave tonight, it’s a lot quicker,” she said as she filled the mugs with water.

“Sure,” Virgil said, offering no complaints.

“You know, Patton thinks quite highly of you.”

“Oh, uh, he does?”

That was weird to hear. Sure, Virgil knew that Patton and he were friends, but it was still hard to believe. Patton was just so friendly with everyone that it was hard to consider himself someone special. But, he tried to rationalize, he only ever hung out with a few people regularly. And Virgil was one of those people.

“Yes,” she said, moving to the microwave, “And I can see why.”

“Uh…”

“Come sit,” she gestured to the counter and they both walked over and took their seats. “He talks about you a lot,” she continued, “Really enjoys your company.”

“Oh, well, I guess, I mean, he’s a good friend,” Virgil replied, doing his best to not seem completely awkward and probably failing miserably.

Bertha shot him a look with a raised eyebrow.

“Mhmm,” she agreed, “A good friend.”

She gave him a look. Virgil opted to say nothing.

“You couldn’t sleep?” she asked eventually.

Virgil shook his head. The microwave stopped and let out a beep. Bertha got up to grab the two cups, plopping a tea bag in each before turning back. She returned to the counter and slid one in front of him. Virgil took it gratefully.

“I still can’t sleep sometimes. I just close my eyes and all I can see is her. My ex I mean,” Bertha explained to him.

Virgil fiddled with the tea bag's string.

“But, I’m sure you can understand that.”

Virgil froze.

“What,” he whispered, “Did Patton tell you- What did he tell you?”

“Oh no, no no, Patton didn’t tell me anything. I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

Virgil shot her a look and went back to playing with the string.

“How did you know?” he asked quietly.

She shrugged, “You start to notice the things in yourself in other people. Can I ask, are you alright? I mean, are you safe?”

Virgil nodded, “Yeah, yeah it was a long time ago.”

A look flashed across her face and she pulled back slightly. Her grin dropped and her eyes darkened. She once more reached out as if in comfort.

“No- it’s not. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t an ex. It was-” Virgil sighed and shrugged, “I’m okay now,” he promised.

“Virgil, sweetheart, that doesn’t make it any better. And it’s okay to not be okay.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, and continued to sip at his tea.

The two sat there in silence for a while longer, both slowly sipping their tea. Bertha finished hers first, and placed her cup in the sink, rinsing it out quickly.

“Well, I’m off to bed. It was nice talking to you Virgil.”

“Yeah uh, you too. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

She left with a wave of her hand and a smile. Virgil couldn’t help but feel a little bit uncomfortable, but at the same time, a little bit safer. He was also starting to feel tired. He should probably sleep soon to. Maybe now it would be possible.

16 notes · View notes

huphilpuffs · 5 years

Text

flares

chapter: 30/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 4760 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: As always, immense thanks to @obsessivelymoody for beta’ing!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

It’s too early when Phil gets out of bed to get ready for work.

His arm slips from around Dan’s waist. He presses a quick kiss to Dan’s shoulder before crawling out from behind him. The alarm clock on the bedside table tells Dan it’s just past seven in bright red lines that make his eyes burn.

He’s been staring at them since they said 5:27.

He’d woken up to a sharp breath that made his chest ache, tears in his eyes and sticky on his cheeks. His feet were numb and his hands all prickly with sleep and he’d stared into the black of Phil’s bedroom for long minutes waiting for his body to recover from whatever it was that woke him up. It had taken him until two to fall asleep last night.

Dan didn’t fall asleep again.

His legs ache now that they’re not sleepy. His arm hurts from having his weight on it for so long. Without Phil’s body holding him up, Dan rolls onto his side. It makes the muscles in his chest spasm, has him choking on nothing and groaning into the silence.

Phil comes over to the edge of the bed, reaching out to brush his fingers across Dan’s forehead.

“You okay?” he whispers.

Dan’s eyes get teary again. He blames the too-tight feeling wrapped around his heart, the thoughts that have been circling the back of his mind for the last two hours. His body hurts from not having slept and his brain keeps telling him that his mum was right, it is all his brain’s fault, that’s what Dr. Kissel will tell him today.

He reaches up, snags Phil’s hand to hold on tight, and hums something that isn’t quite affirmative.

It’s the best he can muster this morning.

A frown draws at Phil’s mouth. He leans down, pressing a quick kiss to Dan’s forehead. And then a second one, like he doesn’t really want to pull away.

Dan doesn’t want him to. If this broken feeling wasn’t so perpetual, he might ask Phil to call in sick and stay home with him, keep him company when the drone of TV programs isn’t enough to keep him out of his own head. But Phil’s done a lot. Dan’s needed a lot.

He hopes that’ll diminish today.

Hope’s never been his strong suit before doctor’s appointments.

He tugs on Phil’s hand until he leans down, fringe tickling Dan’s brow, and kisses him, soft and gentle and slow.

And then he lets Phil go.

---

Dan: i hate weekdays

Phil doesn’t respond. Not that he should. Dan knows he probably has to do extra since he’s leaving early to come to Dan’s appointment. That doesn’t keep him from flicking his phone on and off over and over again for too many minutes after he sends the message.

It’s been a long morning. The clock on his phone tells him it’s only half eleven and Dan almost wants to cry.

There’s four and a half hours until his appointment. He’s been staring into space for so long his brain is starting to go numb and yet there’s too much going on inside his mind to focus on anything else.

He’d considered sitting down, rambling into the void, also known as his laptop webcam, again. It helped last time. But it feels almost silly, when he’s by himself, without Phil to recommend he do it. That, and the idea of setting any of it up sounds like way too much effort today.

He double taps the screen, copies the message and sends the exact same thing to Taylor.

His phone vibrates when she responds. It stings the skin of his palm, feels like it rattles the bones in his wrists. He doesn’t much care.

Taylor: why?

Dan: phil’s not home

Dan: and my appts this afternoon and i cant stop thinking about it

He swallows, looking back up to stare at the TV. He’s definitely seen this episode of Doctor Who before, probably on another day like today, watching the endless marathons of the same few shows for hours on end when his body doesn’t really let him do much else.

His brain can’t process it today. It’s too busy replaying every appointment he’s ever had in the most painful sort of slow motion.

Taylor: :(

Taylor: i know that feeling

Dan: yea well it sucks

He rests his phone on his leg, where the pressure makes a dull ache bloom like a new bruise. His thumb hovers over the home button until the three little dots of Taylor’s typing pop onto the screen. He watches, because it’s better than staring at white walls and waiting for minutes to tick by.

Taylor: want some company?

Taylor: I know i’m not phil but I also don’t have a job

Dan: pls

---

He has to stand up to let her into the flat.

His steps are slow. The blanket he has wrapped around his shoulders flutters over his skin and leaves phantom burns in its wake. His hand almost feels too weak to turn the doorknob when he gets there. There’s a stabbing pain in his wrist that makes it feel like it might shatter as it twists.

Taylor’s smiling on the other side. It falters, just slightly, when she sees him.

“I’d hug you hello, but you look like you’re dying,” she says.

Dan manages half, or maybe a quarter of a smile. “Feel like it too.”

He leads her back to the sofa, still limping. Walking past the breakfast bar reminds him he hasn’t had anything to eat today, and barely a few sips of water to drink. The thought makes his stomach churn, something burning at the back of his throat. He won’t eat until after the appointment.

Maybe later, if it goes poorly.

Probably later.

Taylor tucks herself against the armrest as Dan sits down, knees drawn up to her chest, face pressed against one. Being sat with her, like this, reminds him of being back in uni. Except she looks better. There’s less darkness under her eyes and less oil in her hair, and Dan wishes he could relate.

His whole body feels heavy. Worse than it did even then.

“That bad, huh?” says Taylor.

“Can’t sleep,” says Dan. “I don’t know what to expect.”

“So you’re expecting the worst?”

He can’t be bothered to nod. The corner of Taylor’s mouth quirks up knowingly, and she reaches out to rest a hand right by Dan’s knee, without touching.

“We should talk about something else,” she says. “Something happy. Keep your mind off it for a while.”

“Like what?”

She shrugs. “Just tell me something good that happened? My therapist makes me do it sometimes.”

“Oh,” says Dan. He stares down at the table, where his phone’s resting, screen down, and his laptop’s closed. His hand curls tight around his blanket.

When he looks back up at Taylor, her brow’s furrowed, smile fallen into a straight line. “You look like you’re thinking about something,” she says.

“I am,” Dan mumbles. He swallows, thumb sweeping across the fleece of his blanket until his fingertip’s gone tingly. “Phil kissed me.”

Taylor’s jaw drops. Her eyes go happy. She reaches over, actually touches Dan this time, just enough to grab his hand and squeeze it once in glee. “Oh my god. That’s, like, the best kind of happy,” she says. “It is happy, right?”

Dan wants to point out that he wouldn’t have mentioned it if it wasn’t, but the smile on her face finally has his anxiety unfurling just enough for him to breathe a little easier. Maybe Taylor’s therapist actually has some useful ideas.

He forces himself not to follow that thought to the next, the ones saying maybe all he needs is therapy over and over again in his mum’s voice in the back of his head.

“Yeah, it’s happy,” he says. “You know that.”

“And you’re not having some sexuality crisis you need me to talk you through?” she says, half laughing now. “I’ve been there. I can try to help.”

Dan actually manages half a chuckle, like he did when she first told him she liked girls, halfway through a complaint about how everyone at uni somehow had a love life except them. “Reckon I got over that when he started kissing my head all the time,” he says. “Thanks for the offer though.”

She nods, still holding his hand, staring at the side of his face with a smile. “So this is just happy, right? No inner turmoil about what it means or anything?”

It’s been so long since Dan’s had anything be that simple that his brain doesn’t quite grasp the concept. He almost tells her no, just because it makes more sense, because his brain is really good at finding problems where there’s probably non right now.

It doesn’t feel like he can be just happy now.

But then he thinks about the soft goodnight kiss Phil brushed against his lips before they went to bed to bed last night, and an actual smile cracks past the fear.

“Yeah,” he tells her. “That’s just happy.”

---

They talk about Phil for a while.

It’s easy, with Taylor, to just ramble about sleepy cuddles and soft kisses and the way it all makes him feel good for the first time in ages. It reminds Dan of being twelve again, before everything went wrong and his body broke and any chance at normalcy crumbled before his very eyes.

Maybe there is room for a sexuality crisis, if he thinks too hard about the crushes he might have had if he’d been healthy.

Dan doesn’t think about it. He lets his head fall back against the sofa and feels his thoughts lapse into everything that came after age twelve. His story about their kiss ended a bit ago, faded into discussions about where he wants things to go from here, and then into silence.

There’s a lot of things Dan wants now. Most of them have nothing to do with kissing Phil.

“Hey,” says Taylor. He’s not sure how long they’ve just been sitting here, but her smile has fallen into a frown. “You okay?”

He shrugs. Vaguely, he processes that people are still talking on the TV, that Taylor’s hand has fallen to rest on his knee. “Just thinking.”

“Not about happy things?”

His chest burns when he chuckles. The rush of giddy conversation has faded, left Dan’s body more exhausted now than it was before. He almost wants to nap, except he knows his brain wouldn’t let him. Days like today are just days where he’s meant to be sore and tired and feel all of it acutely.

“No,” he says. “Not about happy things.”

Taylor squeezes his knee. It hurts. It’s comforting anyway.

“Do you want me to try and distract you with more happy things?”

“Don’t think you can,” he admits. “I think I’ve used up all my happy energy for today.”

His head falls back again, gaze drifting up to the ceiling. His vision goes blurry. It’s not from tears. Dan’s pretty sure his eyes are just tired, too. It takes too much energy to force them to focus again.

He takes a breath. It hurts his throat, his head being bent back like this, and tugs at the tendons in his neck.

“I don’t think it’s going to be a happy day,” he whispers, voice cracking “I’m–”

Scared. He doesn’t say it.

“I know,” says Taylor.

They sit there, listening to the same drawl that Dan usually does. His eyes have fallen closed. He can hear his own breathing, loud compared to Taylor’s, but he doesn’t much care to worry about it. Taylor’s never been bothered by the little ways Dan’s body is different.

She just leans forward, snagging the remote from where it was sitting on the coffee table, and says, “Let’s put on a better film, at least.”

If Dan had the energy, he’d smile.

---

Phil gets home from work earlier than Dan expected.

“I worked my lunch,” he explains. “And my boss deemed me completely useless today. Apparently I was distracted.”

He’s sitting on the armrest, leaning over Dan. Whatever lighthearted smile he’s attempting lasts about half a second before it falls. His hand lands on Dan’s head, drawing his curls back. Taylor’s still sitting next to them, but Phil hardly hesitates before leaning down to press a kiss to the corner of Dan’s brow.

“Wonder why,” says Taylor. It’s a whisper, like she’s trying not to interrupt. “I should get going, though. I’m sure you guys have to get ready or some shit.”

Dan almost asks her to stay, just so he has an excuse to pretend that three thirty isn’t slowly sneaking up on him.

“Thanks for coming over,” says Phil.

“Yeah, of course.”

Dan can hear her smile, can see Phil’s. It makes his chest go warm.

Taylor looks down at him before she leaves. “Good luck,” she says. “Text me when you’re ready to talk about whatever the doctor has to say.”

“I will,” says Dan. He hopes his smile is enough to tell her how much he appreciates the space she permits him.

Phil escorts her to the door. They hug before she leaves. Dan hears the murmur of her voice, too far for him to pick up on any words. He listens to the door open, then close, and then Phil returns by himself, dropping into the seat Taylor was just occupying.

Dan should probably feel bad for how relieved he is that Phil’s here now, but he doesn’t, not really.

His head falls back against the cushions, too, turned so he’s looking at Dan. He looks exhausted, eyes puffy and face all drawn.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Shit,” says Dan. “You?”

“Scared,” Phil whispers.

Dan nods, awkward and crooked with his head still tilted back. He reaches into the space between them, taking Phil’s hand in his. Their fingers interlock, and the pressure against his knuckles is not very comfortable, but it makes the corner of Phil’s mouth quirk up.

“Yeah,” says Dan. “Me too.”

---

They get to the doctor’s office early.

Sitting at home, waiting for the minutes to tick by, had become unbearable. Dan forgot that waiting rooms are always exponentially worse. Phil’s arm isn’t wrapped around him here. They don’t hold hands. Their feet are pressed together between their seats. It’s not enough.

Across from them, a mum is rocking her baby as he fusses. And older man is reading one of the magazines left out for them. Phil had tried to pick one up, and had put it down about thirty seconds later. The secretary who booked this appointment is talking on the phone. The other is checking someone in.

There’s a poster about heart failure on the wall.

Dan stares at it until his chest starts to hurt and the anxiety makes his eyes water.

Phil grabs his hand, holds on tight.

“Your heart's fine,” he says. “You’ve had that tested before, right?”

“Yeah.” Dan lets out a breath. “Yeah. It was fine.”

“Okay,” says Phil. “Okay. That’s good.”

His grip on Dan’s hand loosens, his breath coming easier.

Dan’s stays locked painfully between his ribs until a nurse steps out from the hallway and calls his name.

---

She checks his height, even though he hasn’t grown in over a year. And then his weight, as though it’s fluctuated much since his last growth spurt, since he lost his appetite and ability to exercise all at once.

“Looks good,” she says, like she thinks that’s what Dan cares about.

She leads him into a little room and asks him questions, the familiar kind with automatic answers. No, he’s not diabetic. No, he doesn’t smoke. No, he hasn’t had caffeine in the last couple hours, because just the thought of putting something on his stomach makes him want to be sick.

He doesn’t say that last bit.

She wraps the blood pressure cuff around his arm. Dan squeezes his eyes shut against the pain when it tightens. He should be used to it. Part of him doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

His pulse is high, his blood pressure low. The nurse points it out.

“It’s always like that,” he explains.

She looks back at him, brows furrowed, skeptical. Dan hates it. He manages a shrug and a smile, an unspoken apology for something stupidly out of his control like his heart not beating quite right.

He tries not to think about chronic obstructive heart failure.

The nurse jots something down on her triage paper and leads him into an exam room to sit and wait some more. Phil grabs his hand again the moment she closes the door behind her.

---

Dr. Kissel is smiling when she walks in. Dan’s not sure if that’s supposed to be comforting or not.

“How are you doing today?” she asks as she sits down, turning to log into the computer.

“Uh,” says Dan. “As okay as to be expected?”

She hums, turning back to him in her spinny office chair. The collar of her lab coat is popped awkwardly at one side. There’s a pen hanging from its pocket, a stethoscope draped across her shoulders. Her smile hardly falters as she says, “So, not very well at all, I assume?”

It’s so not what Dan expected that he chuckles. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I take it you want to get straight to your test results, then?” says Dr. Kissel.

He swallows hard. If the nurse thought his pulse was high before, he’d half laugh at what she’d have to say now. “Please.”

Dr. Kissel turns back to her computer at that. He watches her click through what he vaguely recognizes as his chart. Just above the notes from his last appointment are the last things his old doctor ever wrote about him, at the appointment where he counted Dan’s tests one by one and told him that if they were all fine there was nothing he could do unless Dan was willing to accept he was imagining it all.

Dan doesn’t read them, doesn’t want to. He never wants to be exposed to those words again.

He watches Dr. Kissel click on a link of some kind, and a monochrome image fills her computer screen. It takes him a second to realize he’s staring at his own brain, at the results from his MRI, autoplaying on a loop through his entire head over and over again.

Something in his chest spasms. Phil squeezes his hand. He never let it go.

“Okay, so first we have your MRI, which are the results I was most concerned about,” says Dr. Kissel. She turns back towards him, grabbing her pen to use it as a pointer. “If there was any signs of deterioration or abnormal structures like a tumour or aneurysm, we’d see it here.”

Dan stares. He can’t really see anything in his brain. He doesn’t know what a sign of deterioration looks like. He almost doesn’t want to ask.

He doesn’t have to, because Phil says, “And?”

“And I see no signs of any abnormalities with your brain,” says Dr. Kissel. “Your brain appears healthy, Dan.”

“Oh,” he says.

His eyes are burning now. He hates the fact that it’s not from relief, that he doesn’t really know what’s welling in his chest, putting pressure in his skull, but it doesn’t feel good when he knows it should.

“What about the, uh, bloodwork?”

She doesn’t open those results, just leaves the screen playing a morbid cycle of his perfectly healthy brain.

Dr. Kissel smiles, and says, “Those results also came back normal.”

Dan just about breaks down right there in the middle of her office. A tear falls down his cheek. His leg starts shaking. Phil has to reach out and rest a hand on his back just to keep him from giving up on keeping his breathing even at all.

Dr. Kissel reaches out, rests her hand on the armrest, close to Dan’s elbow.

“That doesn’t mean anything, you know,” she says. Her voice has gone soft. Dan’s never had a doctor, not even a therapist, speak to him like that. “I reviewed your medical history and I’m aware of the conclusions drawn by your past physician. That’s not where I’m going with this.”

“It’s not?” says Dan. It sounds choked. He feels like a kid.

Except when he was a kid he didn’t have to deal with any of this.

“It’s not,” says Dr. Kissel. “Rather, I suspect you might have a condition that doesn’t show up on any of our current tests, at least not to our knowledge. Ruling out other conditions is the first step to diagnosing it.”

Phil’s hand starts rubbing circles against his spine at that. If Dan looked over, he’s pretty sure Phil would be smiling.

But he doesn’t. He can’t look away from Dr. Kissel, not now. “What’s the next step?” he whispers.

“Well, there’s two. The diagnostic criteria is in the process of evolving, so I’d like to perform both,” she says. “One of them might be painful.”

“Can we do that one first?”

It’s probably the wrong order to want. Dan doesn’t care. Part of him wants the pain to remind him that she’s actually looking for something physical. For once. For the first fucking time in seven years.

Dr. Kissel smiles like she knows that and nods her head just once. “I’ll need you to stand up for this,” she says. “I’m going to press against specific spots on your body, and you need to tell me if it hurts, okay?”

He nods. His heart’s still racing when he stands. His legs feel weak with something other than exhaustion.

Something almost thrilling, like anticipation.

Dr. Kissel starts by pressing her thumb against the base of his skull, right where his head meets his neck. Dan almost screams at the burst of pain it causes.

It turns into a laugh, delirious and bubbly and out of control. When he turns, Phil’s smiling at him. Dr. Kissel is staring at him expectantly.

“Yeah, that hurts,” he says, so she does the same thing to the other side of his head.

He laughs again, because it hurts and it feels like that’s what it’s supposed to do for whatever mystery illness Dr. Kissel’s testing him for. Phil laughs with him. He’s probably confused, but he doesn’t seem to care. Dr. Kissel moves onto the next spot, right where Dan’s neck meets his shoulder, and mumbles a quiet three under her breath when he squirms away from her touch.

In the end, he gets sixteen out of eighteen spots. Dr. Kissel tells him the minimum for a diagnosis is eleven.

Dan probably shouldn’t be proud of that.

He settles back into his seat. The pressure of it hurts. Pain has bloomed all across his body and Dr. Kissel offered an apology that it would probably take a little while to fade and Dan doesn’t care. His leg bounces even though there was a spot in his hip that almost made it give out completely.

His knee stings from when she pressed there. Dan rests his hand there anyway.

“What’s next?” he asks. He probably sounds insane.

Dr. Kissel just reaches over and draws a packet of papers from her folders. She sets it down on the desk by him. The front page has a picture of a gender-non-specific person with arms spread and eyes closed. The top of it has a header that reads Fibromyalgia Diagnostic Criteria.

Dan has no idea what that means.

“You just need to fill out this assessment,” says Dr. Kissel. And then, “I told you this one would be less painful.”

Phil chuckles. Dan does, too. He grabs the pen she offers him and starts reading.

The first question asks him to check off every area of the body where he’s had pain in the last week. Dan reads the list once, twice, three times before looking up at Dr. Kissel.

“Is it stupid of me to check off all of them?”

“Not if it’s the truth,” she says. “That’s a very common response for people with this condition.”

“Oh,” says Dan. Something twists in his stomach at being included in that. “Okay.”

So he checks off all of them, his shoulders and arms and upper and lower back, and jaw and neck and chest and legs and buttocks. The only thing that goes unchecked in the last option that reads None of the above . Dan’s brain can’t even wrap around that idea.

The second question is called the Symptom Severity Score. It asks Dan to rate some symptoms on a scale of zero to three. It feels like a failure when he needs to check the box next to 1: slight or mild problems when it comes to cognitive symptoms.

Dan’s pretty sure that part of his brain is the only part of him that still works properly. Most of the time.

The last question is just a list of symptoms that tells him to check off all the ones he’s had in the last week. He has to ask what some are. Some are things he has but never really thought were related. His gaze lingers on the word seizures for the first time, printed on a list that includes rashes and dry eyes.

It’s the first thing that’s really scared him. That box stays unchecked. He wonders how much it matters.

When he hands the test back to Dr. Kissel, she’s already nodding like she knows the answer it’ll contain. Dan’s pretty sure he does, too.

She writes a giant 28 in blue pen at the bottom of the page, and looks up at him with a sad sort of smile.

“Okay, this confirms my suspicions,” she says. “Your symptoms appear to be caused by Fibromyalgia.”

Dan swallows, bobs his head. “Okay. Okay,” he says. “Uh, what does that mean?”

---

His legs feel different when he walks outside. Maybe because they still ache from the pressure point test she did, or because there’s a residual tingling from how much he was shaking during the appointment. Except the rest of Dan’s body feels different too.

The sunlight burns his tired eyes. Holding his head up takes too much energy. They stand on the curb waiting for their cab to show up and Dan’s chest aches and yet feels lighter than it has in days.

Weeks. Years, probably.

Dr. Kissel explained to him what it was, with a bunch of fancy medical terms he’ll need to google later. Something called central sensitization means his brain is fucked up and doesn’t know how to process shit and makes everything hurt and it fits so very well with how his body seems to experience the word that Dan doesn’t care that he doesn’t understand.

He doesn’t know much right now. She recommended lifestyle changes as a first step and he has no idea what that’s going to entail. He doesn’t know what meds he might end up on, or how much better he’ll get. Dr. Kissel told him this was usually a life-long condition.

Dan feels like that should be terrifying. Except he’s grown to expect that whatever it was wouldn’t be an easy fix.

He’s not dying, though. She told him that a few times, like reassurance among all the supposed-to-be-bad news.

His weak legs sway under him after standing for too long. Phil reaches out to wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him close so Dan can lean against the steadiness of his frame. He doesn’t seem scared anymore. Maybe he will be again, once everything’s had time to sink in.

Phil leans in close, pressing his nose to the side of Dan’s head. “How are you feeling?”

Maybe Dan will be scared again, too. But he’s really not right now.

“Can I say something crazy?” he asks.

“Go ahead.”

He pulls back, just enough to catch Phil’s gaze with his own, and says, “I think this is one of the best days of my life.”

Phil doesn’t look at him like he’s crazy. He smiles, and leans forward to press a kiss to Dan’s forehead, and holds him even tighter when his legs start to feel weak again.

The cab that pulls up looks just like the one that drove them here. Dan climbs into the back seat next to Phil, letting his head fall against the headrest, and feels himself smiling.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #dan and phil #flares #callie writes words

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addictsitter · 5 years

Note

F, G, Q, and T

F: What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? consistently? god, uh. i think probably kingdom hearts? but that was years back. maybe stranger things since i did get into it like, a month after s2 aired but it was a backburner fandom. wait no nm it’s descendants. cause i’ve been more or less YES DESCENDANTS GOOD a lot for the last three and a half years. so. also kind of tortall bc i get sporadically bitter about neal/kel every month or so and have since about 2007.

G: Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it? ooh okay so the first otp i remember is john sheppard/teyla emmagan from stargate atlantis and i just. never really got over them. (they’re my forever otp)

Q: A ship you’ve abandoned and why: oh okay this one is kinda tough but i guess the best example is probably jay/carlos and mal/evie from descendants? like, i have nothing against the ships themselves and there’s plenty of material there. BUT. the fandom, rachel. i hate. the descendants fandom. so goddamn much. because they’re really obnoxious (never 4get the j*ylos stans who called d3 the straightest of the movies despite jay/gil being as close to canon as we were gonna get for a descendants movie just bc carlos was still with jane. also all the j*ylos stans who complained about them ~no homo’ing~ j*ylos in d2 because carlos liked jane and jay and carlos’s friendship got less focus while completely ignoring the harry/gil kiss that was scripted, filmed and then cut!!!)

(”alec are you still bitter about d2″ I AM ALWAYS BITTER ABOUT D2)

T: Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

ahem. excuse me. [retrieves stack of paper] we’re going to go alphabetically by fandom. and by alphabetically by fandom, i mean you’re getting some highlights.

under a cut for length

battlestar galactica: hello yes have i talked about kara thrace being a lesbian yet? no? so kara thrace is a lesbian and lee adama is a trans lesbian and they are happy and in love. thank you, have a nice day.

being human: s3 established that annie feels things that people feel when she touches them which leads me to the headcanon that mitchell, nina and george made all her old favorite foods for, like, an entire week and ate them so she could enjoy them again, along with other things. (we do not discuss the plot that involved that part i don’t acknowledge 98% of s3 for a reason.)

descendants: uma’s mother is ursula, this is canon, but i fully headcanon that her father is a deity of some flavor and she, like mal, is a full on demigoddess. aside from that, i also will live and die by the idea that ben can go beast without audrey’s magic being involved. also carlos is non-binary, evie’s a trans girl, harry is the definition of chaotic bi and non-binary and gil’s a trans boy.

elementary: i. i have so many. where do i start. um. easiest is this: during the time skip in the finale while joan underwent chemo, kitty came back to new york and archie and arthur spent, like, all their time together while sherlock and kitty traded off watching the kids. also: joanlockbell ot3 or bust.

the get down: shao got the fuck away from annie and got a happy ending and met zeke again at some point and they lived happily ever after. also DIZZEE IS TOTALLY FINE.

gilmore girls: finale what finale. revival what revival. logan and rory are happily married and working on their careers and EVERYONE IS GOOD AND NOBODY IS PREGNANT.

gossip girl: dan’s not gossip girl what the fuck show. trans girl jenny or bust. also trans girl blair.

harry potter: [insert requisite dean/seamus and sirius/remus comment here] also harry became a goddamn teacher fuck that auror shit that boy needs to get away from more fighting goddamn. also someone please get him into therapy. please.

high school musical: listen chad danforth is a trans girl and people can come fight me. also requisite chad/ryan comment here.

izombie: post-s3 did not happen, ravi is either immune or a zombie and he and liv are happily together and clive is regularly grossed out by them as a couple. major goes back to being a social worker, as he fucking should have.

i had a kingdom hearts thing here but tbh i just. have so many emotions that i can’t even touch it

leverage: listen. listen. eliot absolutely worked for the stargate program and nobody can ever convince me otherwise. it was supposed to happen and they couldn’t manage it so i’m declaring it my canon. also hardison may or may not have learned his hacking skills from his nana.

i. had magicians headcanons and i still have magicians headcanons and one of them is genderfluid quentin and that is literally the only one i can think of without crying right now.

one piece: aro/ace lawlu or bust. genderfluid sanji or bust. lesbian nami or bust. also. my asshole babes aka cp9 aka now at least partially in cp0 are not, in fact, back working for the government inexplicably but are instead working undercover in cp0 for the revolutionary army. also mishanks was a thing bye

pacific rim: gender gets really fucking weird in the drift. nobody’s cis.

shadowhunters: hi yes do you have a moment to hear about jacemaia and how they are actually friends and spend time together and help each other with trauma and like each other

stranger things: BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE steve and robin are bi/lesbian solidarity and any job they have in a non-80s small town setting involves robin roasting the fuck out of steve for failing with people of every gender. also elmax.

tortall. TORTALL. okay so. alanna is non-binary of some flavor idk what. alanna is with george and they both might also be with jon who’s publicly married to thayet who’s really married to buri who’s publicly married to raoul for ~appearances~ who’s actually w/ gary and maybe jon if he’s not being a dick that day. also. kel is married to neal and yuki and they all live together at new hope and all absolutely suck at hiding that fact and everyone at new hope just, like, conveniently ignores it. also i have A Lot of neal/kel feelings and headcanons but those would take me twelve hours, three powerpoints, a fifth of whiskey and yelling directly at tamora pierce to get through.

uhhh i think that’s it? maybe? possibly? i can’t think of anything else that i want to talk about at this point? i’ll stop now, at least.

#memeage #lesbianmaxevans #and ye shall receive

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finewalls · 5 years

Text

Okay i feel the need to get this out of my chest... you can read if you want to but this is more just like a therapy thing for me i guess and maybe don’t read if u have any triggers bc i go in deep (i try to tag this best as possible but in case you are still seeing this and have tw maybe don’t read??)

Anygays, why D*n fucked up my brain (and i’m taking a break):

So backstory first, I have Emotional dysregulation which basically mean I have super fucking strong emotions and emotional outburst, like i cannot control my emotions when an outburst happens and it actually affects me physically very much.. for example when i feel love for something it’s super intense and it feels like i am on fire and same thing with anger but that comes out as fuming hate and like i can’t even put to words how much those emotions hurt my brain and body, it’s SUPER intense.. and some times when the emotions get too intense i can kinda know how to brush them off or i know how to calm down before i completely lose it. I also used to ‘control’ my outburst by practicing self harm (since i couldn’t hurt others to deal with anger and annoyance i would hurt myself) ANYWAY that all started probably as a side effect to my depression medication (or so my doctor thinks) so i am a mess of depression anxiety and ED yay!

Now to the reason dan can choke:

so firstly i can say that my opinion on louis and harry has not been changed, i don’t buy any of the shit dan is selling so i’m all good i love my larents who are in love.. but the thing is that this interview hit me so fucking hard.. I love Louis and Harry so much and having to hear/read that they still have to do shit like that (like lie and stunt whatever) it breaks my heart.. it’s so fucking unfair.

So last night when the interview came out and i didn’t listen to it i just read like quotes and the more i read the more my emotions started firing up and i knew that this is another outburst, i thought i was good like i can brush this off if i ignore it.. but ofc i can’t ignore it i love louis too much..

So this time i couldn’t brush it off, i couldn’t cool off.. instead i get suicidal thoughts.. I haven’t had those kinda of self harm thoughts in a good while like i was making such good process with my mental health. I had just in the morning visited my therapist and we were making progress things felt good.. and then I get an emotional outburst so intense and it affected me so strongly my brain started telling me to drive off a bridge. I was literally in a car alone listening to Two of Us (remember to stream it loves) and i was thinking about the interview and Louis and i just started crying and the fucking suicidal thoughts came pouring in and i just felt like i fell down in my mental so much.. I hate that feeling it something i never wanted to feel again but i can’t control them. Luckily i got home and i spent the evening with my sister but like i slept for good 10h but still feel exhausted and like shit. I honestly blame Dan and whoever gave permission/forced louis to do that for making me feel like this...

So i think tumblr isn’t the best place for me to be right now bc the feelings i get when i log in.. like i wish there was a way i could explain how ED feels like bc it’s fucking intense.. and it makes me tired and uncomfortable physically.. I just overall feel very fucked up right now.. my brain is giving me thoughts and feelings i don’t want to hear or feel so it’s not that cool tbh.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense but main point is i don’t feel so great so i’m gonna be a little less active here for a while (but bc i am me i just know i can’t stay away) So i will be back but for now imma keep a bit quiet.. But just to get my emotions in order bc right now they are all over the place. I’m still listening to two of us on loop bc holy fuck that song is so beautiful and my god i love louis..

If u read this i am sorry for that dsfghdjfds i love you all <3 I am okay for now tho like i’m still gonna be here but not as much !

#wow we love a personal rant about my brain #so sorry for this i just felt the need to get this on writing somewhere #also this is a mess but i feel a tiny bit lighter now #i don't know what to tag bc i really don't want to trigger anyone #tw self harm #tw selfharm #since i don't know if it's with a space or not u get both #tw suicide #mental health #depression #dan can choke #that's a good tag #tw suicidal thoughts #just playing it safe #loads of love everyone #mun muminaa

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hannahhhhify · 6 years

Text

Chapter 194: Does he know we love him?

Edward’s POV:

I just found out that Paul spanked my boyfriend, and I’m really upset about it. I kind of deserved it, because I’m staying here this weekend, and I knew what would happen. But Sammy didn’t deserve it. I frowned and buried my face into his chest.

Sam: “I’m sorry I got you in trouble… I’m really sorry” he said kissing the top of my head.

Edward: “I told you it wasn’t your fault!”

Sam: “It was my fault though…”

Edward: “it wasn’t… I am the one who asked to stay the night, and you know it”

Sam: “I just… I feel so bad, If I wouldn’t have asked you to sneak out, I know this wouldn’t have happened.”

Edward: “but… none of last night would’ve happened, and I… I r-really liked being with you… I liked being so close to you…. I HATED being away from you after we... you know” I said blushing and looking away. Last night was the first night that we’ve ever ever gone that far... and I’m still so embarrassed about how loud I was… and I’m completely mortified about his roommate Anthony hearing me…

Sam: “I hated being away from you too… I wish you lived with me… I always sleep so much better, with you beside me”

Edward: “I do too”

Sam: “so..” he said awkwardly.. I looked back at him and he bit his lip

Edward: “what’s wrong?”

Sam: “Paul… um.. he asked why your underwear was inside out…” I gasped, and my eyes went wide

Edward: “I didn’t think he noticed!!!” I said panicked.

Sam: “he said he didn’t bring it up, because you were already embarrassed.”

Edward: “what did you say?!”

Sam: “I kept telling him that I didn’t know… I could tell he didn’t believe me though… he said that your only 17, and you are way to young to be having sex… and I told him that we didn’t have sex, because we aren’t ready… and he was just like ‘I don’t know what happened, but I know something did’ and then he said John and Karie will not be happy with us…”

Edward: “Oh my god… Sammy! He is going to tell them! you know how much John hates us even kissing, he freaks out about our age difference! He is going to take you away from me!” I said starting to tear up.

Sam: “Edward, I’m not going to let that happen”

Edward: “but we… they… they… everybody is going to know.. Sammy, It was just supposed to be between you and me… and tony heard us, and now Paul, and John and Karie are going to know too..” I know that like… it’s nothing to be ashamed about, everyone does it, eventually… but… I’m such a private person. And so is Sammy.

Sam: “I talked to tony today, he said he was sorry about being a jerk, and he said he wouldn’t bring it up again”

Edward: “thank god”

Denise: “Come inside!” she yelled out the front door, I jumped, and Sammy groaned.

Sam: “I don’t want to go in there… I don’t want to see Paul ever again” he mumbled.

Edward: “But you work with him…” I said looking back up at him, he pouted. and he pulled away from me and he grabbed my hand, and we walked up to the house. I can’t believe Paul noticed my underwear, I thought he didn’t.

----------------------------

Paul’s POV:

We called Edward inside, and Sam came in with him. and I didn’t really have the energy to tell him to leave. Once everyone was in the Livingroom, Denise and I sat down on the loveseat and Nick sat between us

Denise: “are you going to tell them?” I nodded. and Denise got everyone’s attention for me.

Kevin: “what’s wrong?” he said nervously. Zac sat up, and I chuckled at his messy hair, and his sleepy face. and then I looked down and sighed. I don’t want to tell the kids, because I know it’s going to upset them. but I’m going to let them go see Matthew, then they are going to find out. Frankie came over and he crawled up into my lap, and he cupped my face with his hands, and I looked at him and he smiled.

Frankie: “it’s okay daddy” I smiled, and he let go of my face and snuggled up against me. I love my kids sooo much. I looked at Denise, and she smiled and grabbed my hand.

Paul: “Honey… I don’t know if this is a conversation that certain little ears should be apart of” I said pointing down at our little boy. She nodded.

Denise: “I was thinking the same thing… he has been kind of grumpy today, so I think maybe a naptime is in order” Frankie sat up in my lap, finally realizing that we were talking about him.

Frankie: “I’m not taking a nap” he said crossing his arms. I had to hold back a laugh… Frankie is our smallest child, but the way he talks to us is definitely bolder then the other kids... that’s probably due to Denise and I not being as strict with him. if one of the older kids would have said that they weren’t going to do something we wanted them to do, I probably would have flipped them over my knee right then and started spanking them. but Frankie is the baby… and we treat him like the baby of the family too.

Denise: “oh yes, you are”

Frankie: “no, I’m not sleepy mommy! I don’t wanna”

Paul: “Franklin… I don’t think you should be telling your mother no, do you?” he pouted and snuggled back into my chest.

Denise: “I’m going to lay down with him” I nodded. “are you going over there after you talk to them?”

Paul: “is that okay?” she nodded.

Denise: “of course. I think you should” she gave me a quick kiss, and then she stood up and she went to pick Frankie up, but he grabbed onto my shirt.

Paul: “Franklin Jonas… you are well on your way to getting a spanking” he whimpered and let go of me, so that Denise was able to pick him up. she adjusted him onto her hip, and then she left the room with him. I sighed. I really don’t want to tell them this… I looked around, and all the kids are just staring at me. they all know something is up, Even Sam and Edward. “He is okay… But, last night, Drake tried to…” I paused as my eyes filled with tears… it’s hard to say it out loud. “Drake tried to commit suicide last night…” I said softly. there were a few gasps around the room.

Kevin: “but w-why?” Kevin said with wide eyes.

Paul: “we don’t know…”

Zac: “what happened?”

Paul: “he tried to jump, off of an overpass”

Nick: “what’s an overpass daddy?” I looked at him and I pulled him onto my lap.

Paul: “it’s a bridge, with a road underneath it” Nick bit his lip and looked down. I wrapped my arms around him and he leaned into my chest.

Zac: “why would he do that??”

Paul: “I don’t know… he is hurting a lot, and when he comes back home, we all need to be there for him the best that we can be” everyone was quiet for a few minutes before Kevin finally spoke up.

Kevin: “w-where is he?”

Paul: “do you remember, after Emily and Selena died, where Ken went?” he nodded. “He went to a place like that, a couple hours away” Kevin nodded, but his lip started trembling and I knew he was about to cry…

Kevin: “w-we d-didn’t see Ken for a r-really long t-time” Zac reached down and patted his shoulder to try to comfort him, because Kevin is sitting on the floor in front of the couch he is laying on. Kevin turned and leaned his head onto Zac’s leg, and Zac sat up and he started rubbing his back and playing with his hair. I frowned and looked down. This is terrible… we all love Drake so much, I wish he would have felt like he could’ve talked to one of us… maybe he did try, and we didn’t listen?

Paul: “I don’t know how long he Is going to be there, the hospital told Dan that it would probably be at least two weeks.”

Nick: “c-can we see him?” Nick said looking up at me… I don’t know where Drake is mentally. He didn’t want to see Taylor, or Ken.. and I don’t want my kids to go through that heartbreak that Taylor and Ken our both dealing with right now, and I don’t want to overwhelm Drake either. I sighed and shook my head no…

Paul: “I know you guys love him so much, and want to see him, but… you can’t see him until we th-think he is ready… and that might not be for a little bit, we don’t know”

Nick: “I want to hug him”

Paul: “I know baby, I want to hug him too. Joey… you are being quiet over there… do you have any questions?” he said something quietly… but I couldn’t hear him. “what did you say?”

Edward: “he asked how he stopped himself from jumping” Edward said looking pretty upset himself. Sam is hugging him.

Paul: “I don’t know all of the details, but I know that Taylor found him, and he grabbed him before he could jump” the kids asked a few more questions, but mostly everyone was quiet. “if any of you guys ever feel like you need to do what drake tried to do, please just talk to someone, anyone… because you are all so important, and you are so deeply loved…”

Edward: “I almost tried to kill myself once…” Edward said looking down. “I was alone, and I knew that nobody would care if I was gone” Sam frowned, and he kissed the top of Edwards head, and he pulled him closer. I can tell that Sam loves Edward a lot. “I didn’t want to live anymore. I had everything all planned out… but I couldn’t do it, I was too scared. I really wanted too though, I thought about it a lot.. but now I’m really glad that I wasn’t able to do it… I would have missed out on so much. I have Sammy” he said looking up at him and smiling. “and I have a family now…” Life gets better, and if you end it, you’ll never get to see that happen”

Paul: “Thank you so much for telling us that Edward, I’m really glad that you weren’t able to do it too” I moved Nick. and then I got up and walked over, and I held my arms out to him, Sammy let go of him, and I hugged Edward.

-------------------------------

Drake’s POV:

This lady just came into my room, and she woke me up, and told me to come into the TV room for group therapy. I really don’t want to though. after she left, I rolled onto my back and I winced. My whole back is scraped up really bad, and bruised. My whole body is really sore. The door opened, and I looked over as Jamie stepped in.

Jamie: “Do you want to go to your group therapy?”

Drake: “No” my voice is even worse then it was this morning. I am definitely going to lose my voice all the way.

Jamie: “please? I can go with you… it will help you meet some people”

Drake: “I don’t want to meet anyone” I feel like I have to yell to get my voice to come out in a hoarse whisper. He walked over, and he sat down at the end of my bed.

Jamie: “okay, what do you want to do?”

Drake: “I want to go home”

Jamie: “you aren’t going to be able to go home anytime soon if you don’t participate…” he said softly. I groaned, and rolled back over onto my side, away from him. “Okay... I’ll leave you alone, I’m right outside in the hall if you need me” I nodded, and he left the room. I haven’t heard from my family yet, but I hope that I don’t. I don’t want to hear from them, I’m sure they all hate me for what I did… I buried my face into the pillow, and I started to cry.

------------------------------

Kevin’s POV:

Sam went home, and then Joe, Edward, Nick and my dad and I went over to the Lautner’s house. Dad made Zac stay home with my mom and Frankie, because he is still really sick. when we got there, Taylor was laying on the floor on his back, and his arms are folded across his face. I walked over and I got down on my knees beside him.

Kevin: “Taylor” I said, pulling on his arm... he shoved me away from him, and then he stood up and stormed out of the room… I gasped and then I looked down and frowned.

Matthew: “he is just… upset right now Kev, it’s not your fault.” He said walking over and sitting on the floor in front of me.

Kevin: “about Drake?” he nodded

Matthew: “he just found out that Danny isn’t going to let him go see drake today, so he is really upset right now”

Kevin: “I didn’t mean to upset him more…”

Matthew: “you didn’t”

Kevin: “why won’t Dan let him?”

Matthew: “Drakes a little mad at Taylor right now, and Dan doesn’t want to upset him more”

Kevin: “but… Taylor saved him, why is he mad?”

Matthew: “he didn’t want to be saved” I looked down. and he pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “Drakes going to be okay”

Kevin: “I hope so” Nick came over and he hugged uncle matt.

Nick: “do you want to go to the park with us?”

Matthew: “YES! I would love too!”

Paul: “Nick, you didn’t ask if you could go to the park”

Nick: “But…. I wanna” Nick said pouting

Matthew: “I can take them to the park Paul, I don’t mind”

Paul: “Are you sure? You don’t have too, I know things are rough right now, and-“

Matthew: “honestly, it would be a nice distraction”

Olivia: “I would like to get out of the house too” she said quietly.

Demi: “Me too”

Joe: “Daddy, can we go? please?”

Paul: “it’s kind of chilly outside today, I don’t think you guys dressed warm enough… Edward definitely didn’t dress warm enough”

Matthew: “they can borrow some of Taylor and I’s warm clothes… they will be big on them, but it will be warmer”

Paul: “okay fine… but only for a little bit”

Nick: “thank youuu daddy!” Matthew slipped me off of his lap and then he went with Nick to his room to get some clothes. He came back a few seconds later with a bunch of hoodies and stuff in his arms.

Nick: “how come Taylor won’t come?”

Demi: “he is really sad”

Joe: “we are all really sad though...”

Paul: “Taylor had a rough night”

Demi: “I’m going to go get a jacket, do you want one Olivia?”

Olivia: “yes, please”

Matthew: “do you guys want to walk? Or should I see if I can get Danny’s keys?”

Paul: “where is Daniel?”

Matthew: “he is changing the baby”

Edward: “I’m okay with walking…. Um… Paul? Am I allowed to go?” he asked awkwardly

Paul: “I probably shouldn’t let you go, because you snuck out, but... just stay with Olivia. She’s in charge.” Olivia Laughed and Edward made a face

Edward: “why does she get to be in charge?” he whined.

Olivia: “because I’m cooler then you” Edward rolled his eyes.

Paul: “behave, please”

Edward: “yes sir” Demi came back down, and she gave Olivia a jacket.

Demi: “are you guys ready to go?”

Matthew: “yep… um.. should I go ask Dan?”

Paul: “I’ll tell Dan that I gave you permission”

Matthew: “okay, thank you… come on Kev”

Kevin: “I’m not going” I mumbled.

Matthew: “Yes you are” he said tossing me a hoodie. “Don’t be all grumpy because of Taylor”

Kevin: “but…”

Matthew: “No butts. I’m leaving tomorrow, and I will not see you again for a really long time… So put that on, you are going” he said sternly. I looked over at Dad, and he shrugged. I sighed and got up, and I slipped the hoodie on over my head. it’s Taylors favorite hoodie. And it’s way to big on me, but it’s also really warm and comfortable. We all walked over to the park. and we decided to play tag. Frankie would love this, if he was here.

-----------------------------

Dan’s POV:

Everybody is really upset about everything that happened yesterday. I think we are shocked, and kind of at a loss for words. Nobody knows what to do, or what to say. The house has been kind of quiet today, which isn’t normal for as many people that are here.

Deb: “Honey… why don’t you go spend some time with your brother” she said walking into the nursery, and grabbing Bethany from my arms. Today’s Matthews last day home, he probably won’t be back here for a long time. I wanted today to be all about spending time with Matthew, but unfortunately, things haven’t ended up that way… and I don’t blame Drake for that, I think we all just don’t really know how to react to all of this. “you’ll deeply regret it if you don’t spend as much time with him today as possible… you already know he is busy with last minute things tonight” I nodded.

Dan: “How can I have a good day with Matthew, if all we can think about is all the ways we failed Drake…” deb shook her head no.

Deb: “you can’t think like that Dan… it isn’t your fault that this happened, it’s none of our faults”

Dan: “are you sure about that?... I should’ve fucking-“ SMACK! I gasped and twirled around. “Ouch! Paul!” I said glaring at him. he glared right back at me. I didn’t even know he was here… much less in here.

Paul: “watch your mouth” I rolled my eyes, and he grabbed my arm, and before I knew it, he was sitting on the rocking chair, and I was tugged over his lap. SMACK SMACK! SMACK! SMACKK! SMACK!!

Dan: “Ow! Okay! Okay Stop!... I’m sorry!” I said blushing. He let me up, and Deb was laughing at me. I crossed my arms and looked down.

Deb: “aww… don’t be so pouty”

Dan: “please stop talking“ I mumbled… Paul stepped closer

Paul: “look at me” I shook my head no. he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. he chuckled at my pouty face. “don’t roll your eyes at me, that’s rude, okay?” I had to really force myself not to roll my eyes again… the only thing that kept me from it was the pain still lingering in my backside.

Dan: “okay” I mumbled. he sighed and pulled me into a hug. And as soon as he couldn’t see me I rolled my eyes. I don’t know why… just feel like being a brat right now. probably because my wife laughed at me.

-----------------------------

Matthew’s POV:

We played tag, and then we took turns pushing each other on the swings.

Olivia: “Drake and I always come here, when we are sad… I wish he would have a-asked me to come here last night.” she said sitting down on the stairs that lead up to the slide. Demi sat beside her and put her arm around her.

Kevin: “Drake knows we love him… doesn’t he?”

Olivia: “I t-thought he k-knew t-that” she said starting to cry. she turned and hugged Demi. I frowned. I feel horrible about all of this…

Demi: “Of course he knows that we love him…. and if Drake was here with us right now, he would be so mad at us for feeling like it’s our faults... because it’s not” Matthew: “Demi is right… Drake’s been going through a lot, and depression is awful… Drake did what he did, not because any of you, he did it because he was depressed, and he didn’t think it was going to get better…. So when he comes back home, you all need to keep reassuring him that it will” they all nodded. it honestly kills me that I’m not going to see Drake again before I leave… and it bothers me so much that I’m not going to be here for him, or any of these kids. I know that I will barely be able to talk to any of them, and Drake needs all the support he can get right now… and I won’t be here. My eyes started to sting with tears, and Nicky tugged on my arm. I looked down and he lifted his arms up to me. I smiled, and picked him up, and he wrapped his legs and arms around me.

Nick: “I don’t want you to leave”

Matthew: “I know Nicky… But I have too…”

Nick: “no you don’t” I sighed.

Matthew: “Yes I do”

-----------------------------

Zac’s POV:

I’m laying on the couch, using Mufasa as a pillow, and I have my puppy Simba curled up next to me. right now, he is chewing on my hair. which is gross and kind of annoying. But I’m too exhausted to move him. but there was a knock on the door, and Mufasa jumped down and started barking. I groaned

Zac: “Mufasa! Good pillows don’t just jump away from you” I whined. someone kept on knocking. So I threw my blanket of me, and I sat up and winced. I’m still so sore from the butt whipping I got for sneaking out of the house. And I heard Edward did the same thing, he should’ve learned from my mistake… I got up off the couch, and I walked over and opened the door.

Dave: “itsa bout time you fucking answered the door” he slurred... I gasped.

Zac: “Dad… w.. what are you doing here?”

Dave: “yerrr my kid” he said stepping inside... Mufasa is still barking and growling at him. he stumbled and fell into me. I caught him.

Zac: “dad… you are really drunk… how did you get here?”

Dave: “drove”

Zac: “but… dad, you c-cant… y-you can’t drive like this… you… you are going to-“ he stood up straight again, and I flinched, thinking he was going to punch me or something.

Dave: “we are goin to move to Washington, lets go. I’ll buy you new shit when we get there” he said grabbing my arm.

Zac: “Washington? Wh-whats in Washington?”

Dave: “privacy” he said tugging on me. he is so drunk that he can’t really pull me anywhere though..

Zac: “Dad… we can’t move to Washington, you have c-court tomorrow, and I have-“

Dave: “YOU ARE THE KID! YOU LISTEN TO ME!” he said raising his hand, and smacking me in the face, hard... I stumbled back, and I whimpered.

Denise: “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SON!!!!!” she screamed out of nowhere. My dad let me go and stared at her in shock, and I probably did too.

Dave: “HE AINT YOUR SON!”

Denise: “YOU TREAT HIM LIKE A PUNCHING BAG! HE IS MUCH MORE THEN THAT TO ME, AND MY FAMILY!” She shouted, shoving him away from me. I’ve never seen her look this angry before. And I’m just standing here in shock. “AND I’VE ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE!” she yelled... Dad glared at me with all the hate he could muster. And then he stormed out of the house and Denise slammed the door shut and locked it. “WHY DID YOU LET HIM IN HERE?” she yelled...

Zac: “I d-didn’t… I.. I..” she crossed her arms and glared at me, and I stepped back away from her. she thinks I invited him over here or something... “I didn’t k-know it w-was him… I.. didn’t look” I said with wide, sad eyes. I don’t want to get in trouble again.

Denise: “don’t answer the door when you don’t know who it is Zachary!”

Zac: “Okay, I’m sorry ma’am” I said looking down. I heard her sigh. And she walked over, and she cupped my face with her hands and forced me to look at her.

Denise: “your bleeding” she said frowning.

Zac: “what? where?” I said reaching up to touch my face. she swatted my hands away, and then she pulled me to the bathroom. I have a red handprint marked on my face, and I’m bleeding a little bit on the top of my cheek, it’s probably from my dads stupid wedding ring that he wears when he is missing my mom. He always drinks more when he wears that ring too, and he always hits harder when he is wearing it too. Denise cleaned up my face for me. and then she put a little band aid on me.

Denise: “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was just upset… and I guess I went a little too over protective mommy bear. I care about you Zac, and I love you, and I think of you as a son. And when your father hit you like that… I saw red. Nobody is going to hurt my kids… and I know that I’m not your mother… but… I still felt protective of you”

Zac: “it’s okay… I love you too. thank you for… for making him leave, mom” she smiled and nodded.

Denise: “now get your butt back on that couch, and rest up.. we are going over to Dan’s when frankie wakes up…. And don’t answer the door!” I pouted.

Zac: “I don’t want to rest anymore” she turned me a little, and before I could stop her, she swatted my bottom. I yelped.

Denise: “Go!” she said sternly. I quickly left the room.

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#Chapter 194

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Say You Won’t Let Go Part 5 (Biadore) - Fucking Awful

A/N: No fan fare, no excuses. Just an apologetic author who finally got her hands on a computer.

For those joining this party now – here’s the link to the first installments:

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Welcome to the post-All Stars landslide, kids. Let’s cry together.

Say you won’t let go.

October 2015. Danny was locked in the guestroom of his mom’s house in Azusa, writing. He had only a few days left of recording in the studio, so he needed to focus on finishing up the last few songs of the new album before he ran out of time and money.

The album – he and the producers decided it would be called After Party – was coming along really well. His team was pleased that it had plenty of upbeat and synth-y tracks that they hoped might get him into radio play, and Danny was already storyboarding the lead single music video.

And as for those moodier, melancholy tracks Danny was hoping to write earlier in the summer – those came in spades after “The Incident.”

Danny used “The Incident” as mental shorthand for Roy’s housewarming party; calling it something neutral took away its power over him…and kept him from having to decide whether it was his own breakup or Roy’s hookup that upset him the most. As soon as he got home that night, he wrote the lyrics for “I Can’t Love You” on the first takeout napkin he could find. He spent the next few days perfecting the melody to fit his words – the opposite of his usual work pattern – and had the track laid down within the week. “I.C.U.” came next, after waking up in a cold sweat from a dream where he was chasing some kind of glowing light in a sea of darkness. He got that one done just a few weeks later.

Then he broke for All Stars. Literally, broke. Danny didn’t last 3 days back at Drag Race, but that was going to be common knowledge eventually. He went in as a confident artist healing from a breakup and the less-than-year-old death of his father, and he came out a shaken chiona with fresh wounds where all his Band-Aids had been.

Luckily this gave him yet another treasure trove of sadness and disappointment, from which he pulled out two more real gut-wrenchers like “Save Your Breath.” Danny wanted some really dark stuff on this album, and Life sure as hell gave him something to write about. Music was therapy, just as it always had been.

Music also gave Danny an excuse to hide. That was why he was holed up in Azusa, going nowhere but the studio and the house, because he was working on the album – definitely not because he didn’t know how to deal with his friends after The Incident and his All Stars freak out. Danny hadn’t seen anyone but Bonnie and her boyfriend in weeks, and he’d only spoken to Chris over the phone.

Isolation agreed with him. He working on the chorus of one of his bubblier tracks when his phone vibrated. In the zone and unwilling to be distracted, he ignored it. But, much like that crazy bitch from Fatal Attraction, the iPhone would not be ignored, Dan. Periodic vibes became constant buzzing, moving from short text alerts to the long drone of disregarded calls. After a sold 20 minutes of all out iPhone assault, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jesus Christ, what the fuck?!” Danny yelled into his phone, picking it up without checking the caller. “Is the Goddamn universe ending?” He had been off in his own creative world, and resented whoever was pulling him back into the real one.

After a long second of silence, a hoarse but recognizable voice spoke. “See, where was this type of anger and hate 2 years ago? Damn, you could’ve at least given me some real competition with that shit.”

Danny froze. Roy.

“Uh, I…Wha…I…” Danny stuttered, hard. He didn’t have a comeback, partially because he was coming down from his moment of rage and partially because he was so surprised to hear that voice.

“That’s more like it. Confused and adorable. How’s my pussyfart doing? Why haven’t you called me? How have you been?“

Confused was right. Why is Roy calling? Danny told him he’d be gone for 10 weeks to do All Stars, but it had barely been 5.

And Roy sounded weird. There was this thing he did with his voice when he was straining to be nice - it got quiet and soft, like he was speaking to a baby bird, and it sounded almost an octave higher. Normally it made Danny laugh, because it sounded so ridiculous in comparison to Roy’s normal voice and reminded him that Roy never understood how warm and comforting he could be without even trying. But in this moment it was unsettling, because he didn’t know why Roy was speaking to him like that.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. You just surprised me, why are you calling me ri – ” Danny realized it all at once. His fucking mom called Roy and told him what happened at All Stars, that was the only possible explanation. Confusion turned into anger and embarrassment. “Did my fucking mother call you and tell you about All Stars? Oh my God, I am not a child anymore. Jesus Christ, she called you and told you I – ”

“Whoa there, calm your tits kid. She didn’t tell me anything more than you’re back home in Azusa a little earlier than expected, and that she’s worried about you holing yourself up in the studio.”

Danny had set the phone down and was rubbing his face. “Fuuuuuck.”

After a few seconds of silence and a deep breath, he picked the phone back up. “Oh my fucking God, I’m sorry she called you. I am so mort - no, I am fine. I am so totally fine. I don’t know what the hell the woman formerly known as my mother was thinking, but seriously everything is ok. Great. It’s fucking spectacular.”

Danny knew the sarcasm in his voice wasn’t thick enough to cover up how exactly not-at-all-ok he actually was, but he thought he could trust Roy enough to just drop it until he chose to elaborate. He was right.

“Clearly, you sound so balanced and even-keeled right now.” Roy was returning the thick sarcasm in kind. “Look, your mama loves you and knows I’m the only motherfucker around here who can pull you outta whatever fucked up funk you’ve gotten yourself into after being sent home.”

Danny tried to interrupt. Sent home? He must be confused. “No, Roy I -”

But Roy cut him off at the pass. “Just shush and listen to your elders for a second. Cocooning yourself off in your own little sorrow…cocoon, fuck I can’t think of another word…anyway that isn’t going to do you any good. Let’s get out and do something, I’m coming to pick you up in an hour or however long it takes me to drive from Hollywood to ass-fuck Azusa. Just do what I say and for the love of God take a shower before you’re back out in public.”

And with a click, the call ended.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Roy didn’t know how he went home. He thought he got kicked off early and that’s why he was sad. Not because he pussied out within 48 hours and left after crying to Michelle and RuPaul on national television. Not because he couldn’t handle harsh criticism from That’s So Raven. Not because he was so emotionally shattered over other events and wasn’t able to focus on a stupid TV competition. And not because he was too scared to fail so he quit instead.

All things I will now have the pleasure of explaining to Bianca fucking Del Rio. To say Danny wasn’t looking forward to that part was about the understatement of his lifetime. But at least I get to see Roy. And that thought made it all ok again.

So Danny sighed, stood up, and shuffled upstairs to shower - shouting and cursing at Bonnie with every other step, and smiling in between.

…

Roy showed about an hour later, around 4 in the afternoon. He came to the door and hugged Bonnie - Bonnie the traitor, as a still slightly angry Danny thought of her - before grabbing Danny out from behind her and pulling him into a hug.

The hug seemed to defy all rules of space and time. It was bone-crushing at the same time as it was soft and warm. It gave Danny goosebumps and made his chest tense up, but it also sent waves of relaxation down his spine and made his head buzz like it was full of fireflies. It went on forever, but was over way too soon.

“Hey kiddo, how ya doin?” Roy said quietly to Danny as he slowly disengaged from the embrace, gently stroking Danny up and down his back while he did so.

Danny let silence hang, and then it hung for too long. When he realized the pause was getting dramatic, he nearly screeched his next words.

“Better now that mommy called a clown to cheer me up.” He was trying desperately to make a joke. The situation was becoming far to sincere and intimate and confusing for his brain to process, and he was just trying to find an eject button. “What, no balloons or giant shoes? I at least expected a piñata.”

“Oh god, you know I hate when you do that fucking chola voice.” Roy rolled his eyes, the spell of the moment broken. “C'mon you little brat, let’s go.” He bounded down the steps of the house and headed for his car.

“Careful, grandpa, you’ll break a hip! I don’t think Obamacare covers clown-related injuries on anyone over sixty!” Danny yelled after him, gathering the rest of his things from behind the door and trying to shoot a glance at his mom that simultaneously said Thank you and I hate you so much right now.

Roy was already in the car and backing out of the driveway when Danny turned around. “If you aren’t in this car in 30 seconds I’m leaving Delano. You better run - run like you’re chasin’ some of Detox’s trade.”

Danny sauntered slowly over to the car, swaying his hips just a little when he noticed Roy focusing a lot of attention on his body. He held his middle finger up all the while.

…

Roy drove Danny all the way back into LA. They spent the over-an-hour-long car ride catching up on all their quick-and-easy stuff: families, gigs, albums and tours, who of their friends had hooked up with who. It only veered into uncomfortable territory once - when Roy brought up the Handsome Blonde Man who haunted Danny’s dreams. Apparently he was named Tom and also now Roy’s boyfriend. Danny changed subjects as soon as the familiar aching feeling in his chest made his stomach hurt, sharply pivoting to talk about some ridiculous fight he and Chris had over Miley Cyrus. He made sure to fully dodge the other conversation bullet - All Stars - for the full drive.

They ended up at a record store in Silver Lake. Two stories of floor-to-ceiling vinyl, used and new, from beat up old soul 45’s to limited edition Bowie box sets to brand new Chance the Rapper albums.

“Do you actually come here?” Danny asked quizzically as he dug excitedly through a bin marked “Hole.” In all the years he’d known Roy, he’d never known him to be into vintage records. Clothes definitely, books maybe - but Danny had never seen so much as a framed album cover in Roy’s apartment.

Roy was a few rows over, casually flipping through the Musicals section. “Of course, I’m here all the time. It’s not that far from my house, and they have a really, uh, great selection, and there’s good coffee nearby, and over there they’ve got books…”

Danny scoffed. “You’re such a bad liar.” Roy had just done all of his lying “tells” - rambling in a weird cadence, going into unnecessary detail, and not making eye contact.

“What?” Roy kept his eyes on the Rogers and Hammerstein. “I am not, you don’t know everything about me, Daniel. I could be here every fucking week buying records for my…” He trailed off.

“For what? Tell me what you play these on, Mr. DJ.” Danny put a hand on his hip and stared challengingly at Roy.

This was fun, he loved catching Roy in a mistake. Their natural relationship dynamic always made him feel like he was at a disadvantage - as if Roy was smart and he was dumb, Roy was successful and he was a fuck up - so Danny seized on any opportunity to reassure him that they were equal. Especially since he knew he was about to tip his own scales back towards ‘fuck up’ whenever Roy decided to finally ask about All Stars.

“My record player, it’s a…um…it’s…oh fuck it.” Roy stopped pretending to look at through the showtunes stacks and rolled his eyes at Danny. “No, I’ve literally never been here before. I asked Raja for a good place to go for music today and this is what I got. Not bad though, huh?”

Danny was surprised by how quickly Roy gave up. Usually there was at least some kind of fun back-and-forth fighting over who was right, or trying to cover up what they didn’t know, or just full on teasing.

“Why? You always listen to everything on those ugly ass Beats headphones anyway, what would you want with a record?”

There were only a few seconds of awkward silence, but Danny would’ve sworn it was a solid minute.

“I wanted to bring you somewhere to take your mind of things, and I know you love record stores.” Roy looked at Danny with that same sincerity from the hug on the front porch. “I figured you could use the distraction.”

And once again, it made Danny’s heart beat wild. Not because Roy was looking at him with genuine care and compassion. No, of course not.

And not because Roy was willing to sacrifice his very limited time off to do something he knew only Danny would enjoy, and that wasn’t something people did normal friends.

Nope, definitely not. It was certainly because Danny was just afraid to tell him about All Stars, that he wasn’t kicked off but instead made the decision to walk away…

“Oh.” That was all Danny could muster.

They spent about 45 more minutes wandering the shop before the owner came out from behind the poster-littered cash wrap and told them both he’d be closing down for the night. Danny bought a new Lana Del Rey album and a beat-up bootleg of a Nine Inch Nails concert from the late 90’s. He was surprised when Roy followed behind to buy a book on Stevie Nicks’ impact on fashion - leave it to him to find a book about clothes in a warehouse full of music.

Danny was starving, and it was far enough past sunset that he didn’t feel like a senior citizen for suggesting dinner. Roy knew of a good Mexican place with strong margaritas a few doors down, and they headed over.

Two hours later, tacos were came and went, margaritas were inhaled like water, shots were knocked back at machine-gun pace, and Danny had officially exhausted all his small talk options. Oh, and also he was drunk. As fuck. In sum, officially out of ways to avoid talking about the elefante in the room.

“So Daniel Noriega.” Roy was slurring his words just a bit, but he was at least two notches less drunk than Danny.

It’s that fucking New Orleans thing, Danny thought to himself. Roy is like a fucking steel tank. He may as well be sober.

(He wasn’t.)

“It’s time to ‘fess up. What’d you wear to piss off Michelle so much that she shoved her fist up Ru’s ass and made him send you home?” Even when tipsy Roy knew how to be hateful. Shit, maybe even more so when he’d been drinking.

“Well, you cunt, it was actually that dress youuuuu -” Danny waved another shot of tequila under Roy’s nose as he gestured towards him “- gave me for the show. Did you and your precious new boyfriend just want to sabotage me?”

Roy grabbed the dangling shot from Danny’s hand and slammed it back. “No way, not possible. That dress was fucking beautiful, it was black and sexy and it sparkled, bitch.” Roy tried unsuccessfully to tongue pop, a sure sign he was getting more drunk by the second; only drunk Roy dug unironically into the Laganja-isms.

“Yeah, well, Michelle thought otherwise. She told me I had hogbody again.”

“What? That shady whore, I swear I -” Roy tried to interject but Danny talked over him, cutting off whatever tirade against Michelle he was about to launch.

“But it didn’t matter, it wasn’t about the dress. Not really, at least. It was about me. How I didn’t care. How I didn’t try, I don’t try, I never try.”

As he spoke, Danny began to feel an unfamiliar emotion in this story: anger. When he’d recounted it to Bonnie, and every time he’d gone through it in his own head, he’d only ever felt embarrassed and sad. But now he felt a fire in his stomach - no doubt fueled by tequila, but still.

“Who the fuck did she think she was, talking to me like that? I’m the fan-fucking-favorite of all time. Of any Drag Race season. EVER. And she thinks she can tell me I don’t care and I don’t try? And that goddamn Raven…”

Danny steamrolled over Roy whenever he tried to respond or ask a question. “Raven was there?”

There was no derailing him, though. The floodgates had been opened, and the weeks of anger Danny had been repressing now flooded out like blood through the halls of The Shining hotel.

“Michelle just made it ok for Raven Simon - Simone - Salmon - ugh, however you say her name. She fucking tore me to shreds for no fucking reason. What has she done since her Disney Channel show like a million years ago? Talk about a joke, someone who doesn’t do anything. Where the hell does she come off saying I’m a bad singer or that I’m fat or that I’m lazy and untalented…”

“She said what now?”

Danny was basically talking to himself at this point. “Screw both of them. They’re idiot fucking people with idiot fucking opinions.” He knew he didn’t mean it all - he loved Michelle like a father - but he just needed to say it.

“Well that’s a constructive, adult response to the situation.”

“Whatever, I’m glad I quit. I’m better than all that anyway.” Danny said it so confidently he almost believed himself.

The moment of drunk, anger-high reassurance was gone as soon as it came.

“You did what?” Roy looked at Danny in disbelief.

Danny was so surprised by Roy’s surprise - and so drunk from the tequila - that he didn’t think to sugar coat anything.

“I quit. They were cunts to me on the first day, so on the second day I quit.”

Uncomfortable silence crashed the party once again. Roy was just staring at him, his eyes slightly squinting and his focus darting around. It was like he was trying to compute whatever Danny had just said, and it went on unbearably long.

“I stood up for myself, Roy.” He couldn’t take the quiet stare, so he broke eye contact and directed his words at the empty shot glass he was idly spinning. Danny knew this made him look like a nervous little boy.

“It was the only thing I could’ve done. If you’d been there, you’d have told me to do the same thing.”

Roy’s expression didn’t change, but he looked away now, too. His eyes searched for the waiter, who he waved at aggressively. “Hi, excuse me. Hello!”

“Roy, I know I should’ve told –”

But Roy wasn’t listening. The waiter had arrived. “Can we get the check please? Actually, just take my card.” He fumbled for his wallet, yanked out his Amex, and threw it on the table. “Faster you bring that back, the bigger the tip.”

He then proceeded to pull out his phone and start dialing, continuing to ignore all Danny’s attempts to speak. It was freaky when Roy got like this, slipped into tunnel vision and disregarded everything around him. Danny knew it was his way of keeping his emotions in check. A Roy this focused was a Roy trying to keep cool.

“Look, I –”

“Justin? Hey, sorry if I woke you up.” Roy ignored Danny and spoke to the voice on the other end of the call. “No, no I’m fine. I need a favor - can you come get my car from El Coyote and drive it home? I’m here with Danny and I’m too drunk to drive. I figured if you’re not out you could…Ok great, thanks. It’s in the valet, I’ll tell them you’re coming. We’re jumping in an Uber. You’re the best, Thunderfuck.”

The waiter came back and Roy signed for the bill. True to his word, he left a 50% tip.

“Come on, Danny. We’re leaving.” Roy acknowledged his presence for the first time in maybe 10 minutes, but still wouldn’t make eye contact. “Uber is outside, I can’t take you home so you’ll stay at my place. Tell Bonnie.”

“Um, I’m not a child going to a sleepover.” Given the childishly defiant way in which he was speaking, and the childishly ashamed way he’d just been sitting, Danny recognized his own deep hypocrisy. “You don’t get to order me around and –”

Roy stood up from the table and finally looked at Danny. “I don’t want to fight with you right now. Can we please just go?”

The exasperation in Roy’s voice was apparent, and it caught him off guard. Frustration, condescension, even anger - those would’ve made sense. But somehow he just looked sad and tired.

“Okay, sure.” Roy walked towards the exit, and Danny stood to follow.

…

The silent car ride gave Danny just enough time to spiral. Both he and Roy were staring out their windows, probably making the Uber driver think they had just gotten into a huge fight. Danny almost wished they had - at least Roy would be talking to him if they were fighting, and yelling at each other must be better than not speaking at all.

Instead, the absence of words led him down a rabbit hole of thought. Roy has never been this quiet, not with me. Is he that angry? Did I let him down that badly? He must’ve known I couldn’t get far without him, that I’d disappoint him in the end. Him, my mom, my fucking fans…

It was a particularly dark rabbit hole, and one he’d become deeply acquainted with since he left All Stars. He knew every nook of self-doubt, every cranny of anger, every pothole of depression. By the time the car pulled up to Roy’s place, Danny was approaching the final circle of his own personal hell.

Roy had been in his own head enough that he didn’t notice. Danny trailed behind him from the car to the elevator to the hallway, tears welling up all the while.

Inside the apartment, Roy threw his keys on the table and walked straight towards his kitchen. He wasn’t watching Danny as he poured two giant glasses of water, but he began talking immediately.

“I’m trying to think of what to say here, Danny, but I’m just at a fucking loss. You left? You fucking left?” He still wasn’t yelling, but there was a tinge of annoyance in his tone that wasn’t there before.

“You’re so special, so talented and amazing. You couldn’t just believe that enough to tough it out and win? You know you would’ve won if you had just –”

The speech was cut off by Danny’s own sob. One heave, two heaves, and then a waterfall of breathes, apologies and shudders tumbling out while he leaned on the door for support. The combination of too much tequila, chased with a mixer of his own and Roy’s disappointment, was too much for Danny to handle.

That caught Roy’s attention; he dropped his Brita and nearly jumped over the kitchen counter, sliding his hands around Danny’s waist just as he was about to collapse under the weight of his own crying.

“Oh, hey. Babe, shh.” Roy guided them over to the couch. “I didn’t mean to make you…I just don’t understand what happened. Help me understand what happened.” He was trying to talk to Danny, who was too busy trying to catch a deep breath between hiccuping and not inhaling tears.

“I - I’m so sorry - I let you down - and I’m - such a - shit - to everybody - I -” Danny got out 15 words before another wave of sobs. He and Roy had settled into a somewhat comfortable position on the couch - Roy seated, Danny resting his head on his left pec and soaking his shirt in the same spot. He took a few minutes to gather some words.

The steady beating of Roy’s heart under the weight of his head, matched with Roy’s in-rhythm stroking of his hair, eventually calmed him enough to speak again.

“Roy, I know I made a mistake. What they said, it just -”

“What did they say to you? Dan, you have to tell me.” Roy was trying to sound calm, but in a sharp tone that Danny could tell was holding back anger.

“I can’t, and you’ll see it eventually anyway. You’re going to think it’s so stupid, I just couldn’t take their shit after everything that happened this summer. I walked in there and I was ready to fall apart from the beginning. I had just had my fucking heart ripped out of my chest, and - ”

“Oh, babe. I thought you were okay with the breakup? You told us you were fine after he -”

Danny scoffed. That’s not what I meant, idiot. Obviously I mean you.

“No, I - it wasn’t that. I guess not. I just, I couldn’t handle knowing that I was going to end up disappointing everyone.” Danny could feel the tequila making him real ramble-y and real honest, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“The way Ru and Michelle were looking at me on that stage, like I had fallen from a pedestal or something. And Michelle, when we talked it was just, like, pity. I don’t know, it just like broke my brain to see how I failed them.” He paused to wipe his runny nose.

“And thinking about how I would let down my mom and my fans and you - I mean, letting down other people is one thing but when you know you can’t live up to the expectations of the person you’re in lo -”

Even in his most hammered of hammered states, Danny would’ve cut himself off before he finished saying the words “in love with.” But before he could self-censor, he was silenced by the violent change in Roy’s heartbeat. Just as he began the phrase, the pounding on the warm chest beneath him went from the rhythm of soft jazz to the thump of an Afrojack track.

“What?”

Danny didn’t respond, he didn’t know what to say. He was mesmerized by the heartbeat, afraid to speak in case the words he wanted to desperately to hide would come spilling out. This was not the time for this conversation - not while Roy had a boyfriend, while Danny was lying in his arms blubbering like a baby, while they were both drunk, while he wouldn’t get the response he so desperately wanted.

But Roy wouldn’t abide the silence. “Dan, what were you going to -” Roy’s voice cracked, something it never did. And for some reason that made Danny cry all over again, all the way to sleep.

As he drifted off, tears rolling down his face, he would’ve sworn he felt some falling on the top of his head like rain drops.

He would’ve been right - they were Roy’s.

…

Danny woke up around 4:30. He was still nestled up in Roy, but they’d fallen into a more laying down than sitting up situation. The right side of his face was damp, as was the bit of Roy’s chest he’d taken up as a pillow for the last five hours. He was safely wrapped in Roy’s arms, one of which wrapped around his waist while the other laid atop the long black hair he’d been stroking.

Danny gave himself just a few deep breaths to enjoy the moment - the warmth, the safety, the peace - before his eyes snapped open and his head began to throb. It throbbed from salty shots and margaritas, from embarrassment, and from the memory that Roy had a fucking boyfriend.

Knowing Roy was a heavy sleeper, Danny slowly slipped himself out of the dare-he-call-it-spooning position and stood up from the couch. He saw Roy adjust slightly at the loss of an extra body, also losing the dopey smile that was plastered on his sleeping face.

Watching this, Danny’s stomach started to turn - and not just the normal hangover nausea. He was getting the same stomach pangs he felt when his dad passed, the same ones he felt when he lost Season 6 - a pain he’d come to associate with losing something he didn’t have in the first place.

Danny knew he had to get out of the apartment. He grabbed his phone - still in his pocket and alive, thank God - and called for an Uber. He knocked back both the glasses of water left on the counter before scribbling a note on Roy’s whiteboard:

Sorry I had to leave, needed to get home for mom stuff. Don’t tell anyone what we talked about or you owe me the contract violation money, bitch. Love you x 10000.

Danny spent the hour long ride back to Azusa writing out the lyrics to “4 a.m.”

#adore delano #bianca del rio #biadore #say you won't let go #fucking awful #rpdr fanfiction #submission #sywlg #canon compliant

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blackheartseverywhere · 6 years

Text

Vent, If anyone actually cares enough to read.

I haven’t actually done a vent post since I don’t even know when, so here it goes.

This is the post that will literally tell you it all.

When I was growing up I never really understood why my parents didn’t talk, and to be honest to this day I don’t REALLY know the reason. I felt like they should have just divorced, I would literally cry and cry and cry all the time as I rehearsed what I would ever say to them if I ever got the chance to really speak my mind about their relationship and how it effected me. I got a chance once, and I got so mad, sadly it was through a text. I flipped out, and said you know what if you guys are going to be this way, and fight through your kids because you won’t talk, then just split. Move out from the same house, file the paperwork, and just end it. My mother said “you just don’t understand” and “there is more than just that”. I am literally almost in tears just writing about that.

Whenever my friends brought up my parents I would just say eh, they don’t talk so who knows/cares, to everything. Therapy really got my going about them, and I realized that I had been fucked up for a long time. One time when I began therapy, and my meds and all that fucking shit, my dad basically was like oh yeah its just all his fault and all that bullshit. He didn’t agree at all with my going on meds or seeing someone for help, he still doesn’t agree and its been four years since i started the stressful journey to try and get better.

In middle school I finally started to find more people I wanted to hang out with and started to smoke and drink. I smoked a hell of a lot in middle school and high school, and I realize now also that I preferred to be high or drunk because I didn’t have these constant depressing thoughts. To this day, I do still like to be high because it is a distraction, whereas when I get drunk I usually cry because all my life issues decide to show themselves at once.

Middle school is also when I got my first kiss, my first make out session, my first “feel up” hah. Nothing serious. I fell hard for this boy Dan Jackson though, and god what I would give to go back to the days when I was too shy to see his parents, and just didn’t have a single care in the world other than for him. He really did make my life better for the time that we spent together. To be honest, I don’t really know why we broke up the first time that we did. I just know that we tried again in high school, and that is when I fucked up and chose Dakota (we will get to him later). Dan and I just didn’t work out in the end which is okay because he really taught me the most. He taught me that when a boy cares, he really will show it, he will hold your hand and lay in a park of grass with you to do anything, even just watch a worm after his baseball practice.. literally we did that.. that was also the first photo I ever had kissing someone, I wish I still had that.

High school started.. and shit got FUCKED up. From the very start, things were all sorts of messed up and I knew it was gonna be quite the ride. Soccer was great though, literally the only thing that kept me going was soccer. I dated Colin, oh boy, I didn’t really know anything about him other than we went to middle school together and he sat with my best friend Mitch at lunch. Never met him before a pool party that was on his birthday actually, at MaryKates aunts house. I decided that day, at the pool party, that this boy was cute and I kinda liked him a little. Got his number blah blah blah, then we dated for what maybe a week or two??? Then school started and I decided nah this guy is not for me, I thought he kissed bad (literally was his first make out or kiss or whatever so I was a mean person for thinking he kissed bad when he wasn’t experienced yet!) Anyway, we decided to stay friends, and even ended up becoming “best friends” or so we called it. This boy man, he took me for the most wicked (and not in the RI way we say wicked, meaning good, this was wicked like the witch) crazy, far from fun, roller coaster ride of my life.

I knew he liked me, everyone knew. I just ignored it because I was more concerned about others... leading me to dating Dakota freshmen year. Dakota was awesome, I fell hard for this boy and lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me. We had fun, well as much fun as you can have when neither of you can drive, you didn’t attend the same school, and his parents didn’t think nicely of you. Really though, we did have a ton of fun. He was always over and my mom and family (minus dad) loved him. He was goofy and literally over a foot taller than me. We broke each others hearts in the end. He really fucked me over though but honestly I don’t even want to think about that. He ended up moving to Arizona sophomore year and boy did I miss him. He told me he would write every day.. I got two letters, one he wrote before leaving and the other was mailed.. oh well.

Sophomore year was the year that got really all messy. I realized I was boy crazy haha! Just to clear the air to anyone reading by the way, not boy crazy like OMG I was having sex with every boy haahah, I legit just liked a lot of people, and by this time I had only had sex with two people, Dakota and Dan Jackson when we got together after me and Dakota ended.

As this all happened Colin was always fighting with me, and I was always fighting with him, about every single thing. He knew I was boy crazy and was really mean about it, but hey like I said, he liked me so of course he was gonna be mean ANYWAY.

Then Casey came into my life. This happened in like February or March I believe. I remember Pat was away on vacation, Pat was a mutual friend we both hung with, I always was with Pat getting food or ice cream or whatever, he was my best friend, other than CoCo aka Colin. Casey and I had started to text, honestly not sure how. We decided to meet up and get breakfast, we went to the handy and i literally remember I got a bagel with cream cheese, and that he looked like something I wanted to eat more than that bagel.. and my ass legit to this day, eats a bagel with cream cheese most days! Goddddd, I legit was like holy fuck, this boy is who I want to last. He was AMAZING, every thing I ever wanted. (Colin was ticked because it was his friend!!! hahahaha) I was sooo happy for the couple months I got to spend with this boy. I never had all the bad thoughts about my entire life while I was around him. He took my breath away, he made me feel pretty, he kissed me in the hallway after school for everyone to see. I was literally love struck. Never did we say we loved each other, because it wasn’t love just yet. We were just really happy together.

Spring break came. I was going on a school trip to Costa Rica, Casey sadly was not coming, but Colin was. Casey and I met up before I had to go to Rogers to meet the bus for midnight. Casey has just gotten his license not too long before so he picked me up and we went for a drive, happiest most amazing most exciting (in my pants, sadly no full on sex on that ride haahah just a lot of touching) car ride ever. Then he kissed me so sweetly goodnight and it was that night, that, that fucking night, that I had my last kiss with Casey Harrington. If i knew that I would have changed how everything went down following that kiss, and that week that was coming.

In Costa Rica Colin kept trying to get with me, he knew I was with Casey, and mind you he had a girlfriend! A girl on the trip made a phone call home and low and behold it got to Casey that Colin and I were hooking up.. WE WERE NOT. Shit was all fucked up now, I confronted the girl and basically was like FUCK YOU, YOU LYING FUCK. This trip was the first time Colin saw me cry, and it was because things were over now and I could not change it all the way in Costa Rica. I cried for real, and he cried also, though I bet he would deny that. We kissed that night and decided well, if they think we hooked up fuck it. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX we made out. THAT IS ALL. MADE OUT.

I got home to a lot of mean messages from more than one person. I had Colin and I had Pat ( and Steph, she was there through all of this though we had a rough patch about Dakota...). I was a mess, I missed Casey, and told Colin I was going to try to get him back. It didn’t work, although once I saw him out and he kissed me right on the fore head and told me he was sorry and regretted not taking me to prom.. I almost cried in front of the world that night.

I got with Colin. We ended up dating. He was fucked up, and I was fucked up. Mentally. We fought all the time, literally allll the time. But people loved us together and always were saying they knew we would date, and probably get married one day. FUCK NO. I was in the midst of literally breaking down all the time, and I definitely became depressed during this relationship. I do not blame my depression fully on Colin but some of it was him. We were on and off, and really happy at times. We went out on dates, my family loved him (again minus my dad). His family definitely didn’t like my shyness but oh well.

In the end we broke up after Junior year, he talked shit to all my guy friends about me. They all stopped talking to me. Until after high school when most stopped caring and we became acquaintances again. Colin told everyone I was a “dead fish” and well to him I just never wanted to be on top during sex. He legit made me feel bad about myself. Why would I want to do something where he could again, judge me. Literally, he made me never ever want to be on top, he ruined my self esteem and made me hate myself more than I already did.

We were both fucked up and nuts. He hated me and I hated him. But we were so in love with each other at the same time. This summer my dog passed away, I got into my first car accident, got my first speeding ticket. Then I beat a girl up because they hooked up, and he got out of my car because of a boy I was hooking up with to go punch him in the face... literally nuts.

I spent my entire, ENTIRE, summer before senior year, drunk as hell. Me and Taylor, and then Danny G came into the crew. Danny and I started hooking up, I took his virginity, we were both a bit drunk that night, but we kept hooking up, even sober hhaha. Danny and I kept things up and were together all the time, either at my house or Steph’s or his or just in the car, for the whole summer and a little more after summer. Sadly one day I decided i still kinda felt for Colin and that didn’t sit well with him, I still feel bad about that.

God, I was so fucked up. Between my parent’s hating each other, Colin and I hating each other, and me realizing that I was insane, I was depressed and full of fucking rage! Soccer started and I was happy again, I got my anger out through the sport. The breakfast club began when Soccer did and that saved my life. We were high all the time, and drunk most weekends. We threw parties and we just raged like best friends did. Mary, Laura, Lily, Mattea, and Myself. I would never change the friendship we all had together for anything. Ups and downs. Those girls had my back. We all were boy crazy and we all had fun. I was definitely still relying on weed and alcohol though. I was back to crying all the time, every night, just sad and literally wishing I was dead.

Colin was in a few of my classes to start senior year, and I was not happy but whatever I dealt with it, and we just kept away. He started being a complete dick after a few months in. He would flick me off every day and just literally be RUDE AS FUCK to me. I had to ignore it and just act like it didn’t bother me.

Cocaine came into my life senior year, I fucking loved it. I didn’t do it too much, just when there were big parties or there were dances. I loved it, but like I said nothing crazy came from that. (I mean I am still alive and not addicted to drugs or anything so I am doing well even though I am a depressed mess.)

I got with Shane around Christmas.. he doesn’t matter though, he cheated on me. I just loved that he would buy me alcohol. LOL

I went to college the next year. I started soccer at Salve, and welp, I quit. I fucked myself over and literally RUINED my life. I regret that. Quitting soccer and going on that Costa Rica trip, those are the two regrets I have in life.

Days are passing and Dan V. comes into my life. We fall soooo hard for each other. I left Salve for two reasons. One I wanted to see Dan more, so URI it was. And two, I could not take the pain of seeing the soccer girls, and knowing, how fucking bad I fucked up. Dan made/makes me so happy. He is always there and never made me feel bad about myself or self conscious about sex or anything like Colin did.

Fast forward to the end of Freshman year. I failed all but one class, and got kicked out of college. I was so fucking fucked up about this. I cried and said I would never go back. But dad and I wrote that letter to appeal it. I got back in following the medical tests I decided to go through with to see wtf was happening to me.

I had gotten all the medical testing done, I was diagnosed with, extreme depression, chronic anxiety, ADHD, and my Auditory processing speed was below 95% of my peers. I realized that day, when I read that packet and I cried in my car that I really did need help.

Now jump to the middle of Sophomore year of college.

I went to therapy, I got the meds, I did it all.

Nothing fucking changed.

I wanted to die.

I got drunk EVERY SINGLE day.

I barley ate, and I really only wanted to go to the gym.

I got skinny. Too skinny at one point.

But fuck it right???

Senior year of College, aka my Super Senior year, I went back to Coke a little bit, and did it a lot more than before but still I was not addicted just trying to forget shit and be happy. I got drunk again, every single day, and just did not give two fucks about anything.

Now here I am. 23, I made it out of college even while I was and still am depressed. I am going back to school at PC, even though I have a BA in English and a MA cert in TEFL.

I am still insanely depressed and it is getting so so so bad again. I can’t seem to sleep. My migraines are getting intense, and happening DAILY. I still have Dan by my side and I am so thankful for him. But man, I honestly just wish I killed myself way back then. I still pray that one day things will get easier for me, and that I will beat depression, and I will just not have anxiety. That won’t ever happen though.

I just need things to look up for me. But I guess I need to be able to look up also for that to happen.

As you can see, I was completely boy crazy. I was overly in love at some points, mostly with Colin. I was bat shit crazy because I was depressed and for the longest time did not know it.

#vent care idontcare love hate anxiety #depression

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bellamysgriffin · 7 years

Text

dana watches lucifer (2x15)

i miss candy already

“smoke and mirrors” lmaoooooo

i want candy back

“get your brother to stop drinking” um good luck with that

also why DOES lucifer drink so much he can’t actually get drunk

“my light-bringer” i may have a love-hate relationship with charlotte but at least we agree on how great lucifer is

“NOPE right back to the whiskey plan” good decision making

DON’T COME AT AMENADIEL LIKE THIS

lmaoooo amenadiel just goes AT it

I LOVE BROTHERLY FIGHTING BETWEEN LUCI AND AMENADIEL

i like how no matter how long linda’s known she’s still shocked and curious

feeling or.... trying to avoid feeling.... i wonder what this is ABOUt

“emotions chop chop” honestly i relate so hard

I LOVE LINDA DID I MENTION

MAZE MAZE MAZE MAZE MAZE

MAZE IN THIS BLACK DRESS IS MY AESTHETCI

“are you okay” “what did you do with my roommate she would never ask about my feelings” I LOVE THEM

DID MAZE JUST PUT IN EARPLUGS WHILE CHLOE’S SPEAKING

OF COURSE THAT’S HER TASTE IN MUSIC

i love maze so much

“i can’t deal with human emotions on an empty stomach it makes me nauseous” i like how chloe STILL somehow doesn’t know about them

HE KNOWS HER ORDER

“crime-solving divorcees”

“oh making a joke you don’t like we’ll be back to normal in no time”

ELLLLLLAAAAA MY LOVE

ellla talk forensics to me

“lucifer’s projecting his personal issues onto the case. back to normal” I DETECT FLIRTING

“lot of darkness...” “really” I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP SO MUCH HOLY CRAP

i bet everyone on this show goes to therapy

is that their school??? jesus i went to preschool in the ymca

“detective this school is weird and this case is boring” lucifer has the same attention span as me

AHHHAHHAHAH that was me trying to sing the theme song btw

“i feel therefore i am” nice

“she can’t undie can she whereas i need immediate assistance”

chloe is so good at manipulation i love her

LUCIFER IS SO TURNED ON

did he just pick up a your feelings and you book

aw gay dads i love this show

look we know its not them its only the first third of the episode

nice to see lux is still going wrong

HE’S READING THE BOOK

“why do you sexy detectives look so disturbingly familiar” does lucifer not know what strippers are

“a foursome isn’t an emotion mum” i’m laughing he would know

“i need to have a child” how does lucifer even come to these conclusinos

CHLOE IN A LEATHER JACKET IS MY AESTHETIC

“admirably devious”

TRIXIE I LOVED HER

I MISSED HER

is her hair shorter?? cute

“said i’d drive you to school i never specified which one”

he just called her a creature

“who? oh the child, sure, probably”

what he has a class for turning emotions into weapons

chloe and dan as a team? no

who IS this crazy guy

he is so funny

lmaooo total 180

“sounded like a child was crying” omG

YOURE TRIXIES MOTHER OHUJIKLSALW

HE GON BE IUN TROUBLE

i definitely know this actress

“for a progressive school its rather ageist

WAIT SHE’S TELLING THE TRUTH

TRIXIE

LUCIFER IS SO GOOD WITH TRIXIE

chloe’s smile i’m shook

WOW

HE GOT CAUUUUUGGGHHHHTTTT

“uh i’ve solved the case”

poor chloe that really hurt her

chloe honestly only deserves all the love and happiness in the world

this shot is really pretty with the sun and stuff just noticed that

i know she called trixie babe but in my mind it was lucifer ok

whooooaaa did that actually hrut him

of course it’s his mom

lucifer actually loves his car so much

“she does still hide chocolate cake under the bed though” that’s adorable when i have a kid i want them to BE trixie decker

ohhh boy

i love this like rich pta drama its so funny

i like that woman idk why

MAZE CAN SHE PLEASE BE IN MORE SCENES

chloe looks so pretty

MAZE KNOWS

SHE KNOWS

i love maze/trixie friendships so so sos osso much

aw maze looks sad

HELL YEAH MAZE

MAZE LOOKS HOT IN GOLD

“two mommies?” “oh hell yeah”

chloe looks so uncomfortable

NICE KISS

maze calling chloe “my girl” is my aesthetic

“she’s a homicide detective, she’s got a gun and everything” maze bragging about chloe is the BEST

i love how married they look

y’all know i love deckerstar but jesus christ i love chlaze

“reminds me of home”

CHLOE IS SO DEVIOUS MAZE IS RUBBING OFF ON HER

i love amenadiel

omg

no i don’t want amenadiel and lucifer to fight i love them too much

maze is the prettiest person i have ever seen

maze is so good at stuff i love her herherhe hrkehkla

oh of course its that nice woman

oh lucifer

he always walks right into danger

is he really that gullible

“let’s get that over with so we can get to what’s important, me”

I FLINCHED I KNEW SHE’D PULL IT

watch maze come to the rescue i would be so happy

“challenge ur feelings into something other than bullets”

jesus what’s going ON

i love when chloe talks people down

lucifer this isn’t ABOUT you right now

JESUS

WAS THAT MAZE

OH MY GOD

“listening to feelings, not my thing, right honey?”

“wait, i’m a father? that’s awesome”

trixie pls open up

chloe calling trixie monkey is my aesthetic

honeslty we got aesthetics flying all around this ep

this ep is so soft and i love it

of course linda was right she’s a GODDESS

is he gonna talk about chloe pls

oh this is better

i love deckerstar but the character development i mean

“not the anger... the pain.” look every time lucifer is in pain, i grieve the whole next week. i see what ur doing linda but consider how I will feel

“the only way to get over that pain is to go through it” that’s good advice it;s like the line “if ur going through hell keep going”

the tears in his eyes

AMENADIEL’S FACE HE KNOWS

“trust me that’s it it’s all i’ve got” i hate this

look we kno there’s some sort of time constraint

how do you conceal that much light

is this for real? god? pulling that card now? i’m game

this episode was Soft and i loved it

#lucifer #deckerstar #lucifer morningstar #chloe decker #lucifer tv #lucifer on fox #mazikeen smith #linda martin #ella lopez #dan espinoza #dana watches stuff #dana watches lucifer

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phan-of-the-pen · 5 years

Text

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 16

Look at that! A regular update!! :D

Tags for chapter: major angst, talk of therapy/mental illness, talk of being kicked out, aphobia, minor language, minor fluff

Words for chapter: ~2.7

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

"Dan, you're not even listening."

Dan snapped back to reality, his gaze focusing back on Katie sitting across from him. She was frowning, her eyebrows pinched and arms crossed. She still looked pretty even when she was pissed as hell, and Dan found that completely unfair.

"I am, I'm sorry I'm just really tired. I haven't been sleeping well." It was the truth, but Dan also hoped that it was enough to derail their conversation.

Katie rolled her eyes. "Dan, you're not getting out of this just because you're tired. I'm sorry to hear that you've been missing sleep, but we seriously need to talk."

"Okay," Dan said, mentally bracing himself for what he knew was about to happen, "go ahead. You have all of my attention."

"Thank you," Katie responded, her posture relaxing a little. "The bottom line is that I don't think this is working out anymore."

Oh.

Oh...fuck.

Dan's mouth fell open and his heart lurched in his chest. He had thought that this "talk" they were going to have would have been about Dan's mental health or their sex life, but he'd never even imagined it would be about this.

Is she breaking up with me?

"What? Why?" Dan breathed, helplessly searching Katie's eyes for proof that a breakup hadn't been what she meant. They'd been dating for so long...how could she look so unaffected?

"Danny, you know I love you. But I can't help but feel like you don't love me."

"Katie that's insane, of course I love you! How could you ever think that?" Dan asked. He reached forward to lace his fingers with his girlfriend's hand. It was something he did all the time when she got anxious to help calm her down. But instead of smiling gratefully at him she only scowled.

"Insane? Really Dan? You've been pulling away from me for months, you've been making obvious excuses to get out of sex, hell, you've barely even glanced at me in weeks!" Katie slipped her hand from Dan's, and somehow that action hurt more than her accusatory tone. "Am I even your girlfriend anymore?"

Dan winced, knowing that what she was saying was true.

"You're right, and you deserve better, I know, but-"

"No, no buts. I've had enough of your bullshit, Dan. What's going on with you?" Dan swallowed thickly. He had the answer that she was looking for, but that didn't mean that he wanted to tell her. The information felt so new and fragile, he was sure that the faintest pressure would cause it and himself to shatter.

But….

This was Katie, his girlfriend of over a year and a half, his best friend. She's supported him through his depression and anxiety, why does this have to be different?

Katie kept her eyes on him, waiting. His resolution solidified and he took a deep breath, knowing that she deserved to know.

Their eyes met, and Dan traced her green ones with his own. This was Katie. This was Katie. This was Katie.

"You're right. I've been treating you unfairly, and it's been because I've been struggling with something, but regardless that's not an excuse. Anyways…" Dan trailed off, digging his fingernails into his palm hard enough to surely leave little crescent moons behind.

The silence stretched, and Katie didn't make a move to fill it.

"I'm…"

Dan felt sweat prickle at the back of his neck and the rosey patch on his cheek bloom.

"I'm asexual."

~~~~~

"Dan, oh my god, are you alright? David, come here!" Dan's mum cried when Dan stepped through the door. He had tried to be quiet, but their front door was ridiculously creaky and Dan's hiccuping sobs were much too loud to muffle. His mum had him in an embrace before he could do anything about it, but he was pulling out of it before she could even properly settle her arms around him.

The hurt and worried look on his mum's face tore Dan apart, but he needed to self destruct in peace. Dan's father, who had come running at his wife's cry, rested a hand on her shoulder.

"Katie an-and I a-are done." Dan gasped between sobs before turning to the steps and running up them. He didn't miss his mum's gasp of shock.

"Get out of my fucking house Daniel! I never want to see your fucking face again!"

They were definitely done.

~~~~~

Hands grabbed at Dan's body, shoving him against the gym lockers and holding him there. Faces snarled at him as Dan thrashed against their grips.

"How about this, Howell?" Liam asked, pressing his naked chest up against Dan's. He clasped his hands onto Dan's hips and rolled both of their torsos together. "Katie told us how much you hated sex with her. Do you like men instead?" Liam backed Dan impossibly closer to the lockers, a sadistic grin on his face as he watched Dan panic and fight helplessly against all of the hands holding him in place. He thrust their hips together once more and leaned in close, bringing his mouth right up against Dan's ear. "Do you feel sick yet, Howell?"

Liam released him and back away laughing. Instantly the hands collectively released a hyperventilating Dan. Liam pulled his shirt back over his head and with his gang of cronies following him, moved to leave.

"Don't be late for gym, Howell!" he mocked as he exited. Someone shoved Dan to the floor of the locker room as they left.

As soon as it began, it had ended.

Dan stayed on the cold floor, shaking from a panic attack. He peeled himself up from the tiles just in time to rush to the bathroom before throwing up what little he had had for breakfast this morning.

There he stayed, crying against the bathroom stall.

~~~~~

"David, there's no need to rush things."

"I'm not rushing anything. It's been months since he and Katie have broken up, and I was just wondering if he had met someone else yet, that's all. It was an innocent question."

Dan picked at his food, happy to let his mum talk for him. She rolled her eyes and huffed before taking her and her husband's plates to the kitchen to clean them.

Dan stayed, watching the sunset cast oranges, reds, blues, and eventually nothing onto the tablecloth.

~~~~~

"Samantha, would you stay out of this? This is a conversation between a father and his son." Dan's father bit back. Dan shrunk back down further in the shadows.

"There's no need for it! He'll find someone when he finds someone, and you getting on his case won't do anything for anyone!" Dan's mum retorted.

"He hasn't been the same since Katie broke up with him. It's getting ridiculous! He needs to find himself another girl to forget about her."

"David, I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason as to why Dan isn't dating anyone right now, but you need to-"

"Why aren't you dating anyone? You still haven't answered that question for me, Daniel." Dan's father said, turning his attention back to him. Dan swallowed, briefly looking at his mum for help, but feeling his heart sink when she only shook her head at her husband.

"Well?" Dan's father prompted, his voice gaining a hard edge. It made Dan jump, eyes going a little bit more wide.

Dan weighed his options as fast as he could. He's been giving his father bullshit excuses for months, and they both knew it. If Dan lied it would be easy to tell. Besides, he was out of excuses and his secret was wearing him down to the bone.

His heart in his throat, Dan summarized why his long-term girlfriend had broken up with him, and how he didn't experience sexual attraction as quickly as he could.

And watched as his life was obliterated.

~~~~~

Dan pulled the hood down lower over his face in a horrifically feeble attempt at keeping the stinging rain out of his eyes. He grit his chattering teeth against the wind and hugged his arms tighter around his soaked body.

His ears were still ringing with the words of his parents even though it had been a week since he had last seen them, and he doubted that he would be rid of them for a while still.

Dan ducked under an overhang to catch his breath against the wind, his whole body shaking from the cold. He sneezed violently and cursed; he couldn't get sick now of all times.

The wind blew a monstrous sheet of rain nearly sideways, hitting Dan even with his cover. Dan cursed himself once again for being so stupid and telling his parents for one, but for also being the way he was.

If he wasn't so fucked and wrong he'd be watching the rain from his warm bedroom window right now.

Dan pressed his fingernails into his palms to focus himself and stepped back out into the rain. He needed to find a place to stay, a job, and needed to find somewhere to cry.

~~~~~

"Can I please get the cheapest sandwich money can buy?" Dan asked the barista, eyeing the more expensive ones in the case but knowing that he couldn't afford them even if his stomach felt hollowed out.

The barista sized him up and nodded before disappearing to surely find Dan the most disappointing meal he'd ever have.

Dan leaned against the counter and tried to rub away a slowly forming migraine even though he knew that it would be no use. He really shouldn't have been out in the storm a few nights ago, but he didn't really have that many choices being homeless and disowned.

The barista returned with one of the sandwiches Dan had been looking at earlier as well as a bag of crisps and a bottle of water. She didn't even try to ring him up—only flicked her dyed-red hair and pushed the food forward for Dan to take. Dan was already starting to protest, but she cut him off.

"Look, don't even worry about paying for it. This is on the house, alright? You look pretty down on your luck and I know what that's like, so let me help you out. You can stay here as long as you like, and the booth all the way in the corner is easily the comfiest if you want to camp out until closing." She smiled at him, and it was the first genuine smile Dan had seen in a while. He felt tears prick at his eyes and threaten to spill over, and a baseball sized lump settle in his throat, but he got a hold of himself just in time. He gave the barista—her name tag read Jaime—the most thankful expression he could muster and nodded before getting out of the way of other customers.

Dan relished every bite of his sandwich and nearly cried over the simple comfort of a bag of crisps.

He followed her advice and staked his claim on the booth in the corner. She hadn't been lying when she had said it was comfortable, and after tucking his few valuables away on his person, he laid down and took a much needed nap.

The plan had been for a half an hour of rest to recharge, but when Dan woke back up the sun was low in the sky, and it was just beginning to get dark. Apparently he had needed sleep more than he thought.

Dan checked his belongings and smiled in relief when he found none of them missing.

About half an hour later, he slid out of the booth to leave. He'd need to find a place to hole up for the night, and it would be much easier with the sun still out.

Jaime—the barista—stopped him however. Dan instinctively tensed at her gentle hand on his arm and worried that she had changed his mind on giving him that sandwich, but she only smiled and pressed a paper and pen to his hand.

"It's a job application. You can think on it if you want, and don't worry about filling out stuff like a billing address or phone if you don't have one—I'll take care of them. And if you don't want a job, that's okay. You can always come back here as long as you want."

Jaime gave his arm a squeeze and let go of him so she could return to the counter where there were a few people waiting for their coffees.

Dan couldn't even say thank you with how tight with emotion his throat was.

Later that night, under the shelter of a alley overhang, Dan filled out the application as thoroughly as he could in the light of the moon. When he was done he tucked it safely in his backpack to return to Jaime. He drew his sweatshirt tighter around his body and felt himself relax for the first time since he had been kicked out.

He didn't have a place to stay or a family to love, but he was alive, he had a job, and hopefully, a friend.

Dan couldn't help the grin that spread over his face.

~~~~~

Dan watched as Gina studied him.

He hadn't gone into extreme detail over his past—especially the finer parts the hurt the most—but he had taken the whole hour to explain a vague outline of everything that had happened to him in the past few years. It was good to let his walls against the past slip, even just a little.

It was also the most he had talked about his past to anyone, including Phil, but he hoped that was a good thing. Gina was his therapist, however, so he supposed that it wasn't abnormal that she knew more about his past than his boyfriend.

"Dan, first I want to thank you for explaining your story to me. This session was much different than our last," she said with a smile. Dan sheepishly averted his eyes. This was his second therapy appointment, and his first hadn't gone over too well. He had divulged few details and was overly closed off and snappish for the whole hour he had with this woman.

"I think that we have a lot of work to do to turn around those cynical, negative thoughts of yours, but there's no doubt in my mind that you can do it." Her face softened. "I'm proud of you for telling me so much on only your second appointment. I'm sure you still have plenty of secrets, but that's alright. You'll get better, Dan. I promise."

Gina left him with a few tips on how to spot his negative thoughts, and strict instructions to start working on stopping them. He thanked her and left, pushing open the door and stepping outside soon enough.

It was a week until Christmas, and even though that meant that it was cold enough for the air to sting his lungs, he took a deep breath and started for his flat.

A week ago when he had gotten home after his first appointment and called Phil to complain how he didn't need this, Phil had talked him down from the rash decision of cancelling the rest of his appointments.

Dan had ended up thinking long and hard about why he was so opposed to therapy for himself, and he was certain that it was because he was still in denial that he needed help.

The thing was, he did. He needed help. He wanted to be happy and enjoy life, and more importantly, to move on. But the first step was to take away the power his parents and ex-girlfriend still unknowingly had over him. The only problem was that it was a bigger step than he could take on his own, and it's impossibility made the action daunting.

Dan was now trying to change that, however.

He needed to face his insecurities about himself and his sexuality, and understand that they were wrong and that he deserved better from himself. He needed to accept that he struggled with things like depression, and make changes to combat his mental illness.

It was a big first step, but that's what Gina was here for. She was helping him to learn how to walk.

Dan just couldn't wait until he knew how to run.

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shortqueershakespeare · 4 years

Note

Aw man :( What's up? Also do all the 5 times tables for all the questions posts! Alternatively (or additionally, up to you) do all the even numbers!

i love my anons so much you guys make me feel loved

i just saw some posts from my exes and it was a shock because I didn’t realise I was following them

imma do both these suggestions so here we go its gonna be a long one

2. How old are you? - 21 4.What’s your star sign? - Pisces 5. What is your favorite color? - Blue 6. What’s your lucky number? - 14 8. Where are you from? - The UK 10. What shoe size are you? - UK 3/4 12. What was your last dream about? - My ex apologising (idk why since he wasn’t really in the wrong but we were friends again in the dream so i woke up sad) 14. Are you psychic in any way? - don’t think so 15. Favorite song? - rn either wonderland by Taylor Swift or Midnight Love by girl in red 16. Favorite movie? - Legally blonde immediately comes to mind 18. Do you want children? - Yes 20. Are you religious? - nope 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? - nope 24. Baths or showers? - showers as regular, baths as a treat 25. What color socks are you wearing? - no shit I’m wearing rainbow socks why am I always so on brand 26. Have you ever been famous? - nope, nor do i want to be 28. What type of music do you like? - pop, indie pop, indie, alternative, folk, rock 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? - depends on thickness, one or two 32. How big is your house? - 4 bedrooms, a kitchen, living room, a bathroom, a shower room, a toilet, a pantry and another room 34. Have you ever fired a gun? - no 35. Have you ever tried archery? - yes! 36. Favorite clean word? - squiggly 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? - i think i ended up hitting 52 hours in second year it was terrible 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? - i don’t think so?? 42. Are you a good judge of character? - HA! when it comes to judging if people are good for one another, yes, for me, no 44. Do you have a strong accent? - i don’t think so, i guess its quite southern 45. What is your favorite accent? - irish 46. What is your personality type? i think i’m an enneagram 2 do with that what u will 48. Can you curl your tongue? - yes! 50. Left or right handed? - right 52. Favorite food? - avocado 54. Are you a clean or messy person? - messy 55. Most used phrased? - that’s so on brand 56. Most used word? - gay 58. Do you have much of an ego? - don’t think so 60. Do you talk to yourself? - yes its the main way i practise languages 62. Are you a good singer? - i’m decent but am not used to my voice drop 64. Are you a gossip? - yeah 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? - call me by your name is that dramatic?? pride?? idk 66. Do you like long or short hair? - god i’m never having long hair again 68. Favorite school subject? - drama n languages 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? - no but i’d love to! 72. Are you scared of the dark? - no, i actually love the dark, i find it really calming 74. Are you ticklish? - yes 75. Have you ever started a rumor? - don’t think so 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? - yes, i’ve been director of a play when i was 18 78. Have you ever taken drugs? - no 80. How many piercings do you have? - zero 82. How fast can you type? - NOT VERY 84. What color is your hair? - i don’t think anyone ever expects my answer, but rainbow lol 85. What color are your eyes? - blue 86. What are you allergic to? - as far as we know, nothing 88. What do your parents do? - mum is a teaching assistant, dad used to be pilot, his current job is too complicated for me to understand lolll 90. What makes you angry? - being taken advantage of, my friends being treated unfairly. 92. Have you already thought of children’s names, and if so what are they? - i love the name archana and scottie for girls, i like archie, ash or Dan for boys 94. What are you strengths? - I’m empathetic, generous and caring. 95. What are your weaknesses? - i’m stubborn, self-sacrificing and ruthless. 96. How did you get your name? - I picked it myself! i had a shortlist of ten, got mum to veto some, tried them all out with my two middle name options and narrowed it down from there 98. Do you have any scars? - most notably one from a fishhook, and then lots of pet/chicken wire/falling over scars 100. Color of your room? - white 2: Tiny house plants or huge house plants?

- Tiny 4: Do you prefer painting or drawing? - drawing

What's your favorite type of sweets/candy? - flying saucers (i’m losing the will to format and honestly i’m impressed if u get this far this is mostly just therapy at this point)

Do you fold laundry or hang it up a closet?

- fold

When's the last time you saw a duck?

- two days ago

What's your go to comfort movie?

- moana

How old were you when you stopped sleepign with stuffed animals?

- bold of you to assume i stopped

Would you rather have Ice cream or a popsicle?

- ice cream

Dogs or cats?

- dogs purely because i have a puppy and i could never betray her

Do you have any tattoos/peircings?

- no

Would you rather live in a library where you can read all the books or a theater where you can watch every movie that shows?

- library

Do you consider yourself artistic?

- creative, yes, artistic, no

Do you have any siblings?

- 3

How long have you been on tumblr?

- since 2013 i think

If you had to live in the same world as movie or show what world would it be?

hogwarts

Vine or tik tok?

- vine

Do you sleep in matching pjs or just random clothes?

- random tshirt

Who's your favorite fictional character currently?

- draco malfoy or merlin

What was your first fandom?

- merlin

What place do you want to visit the most?

- spain or south america i think

If you could change one thing in history with no negative consequences, what would you change?

- eradicate genocide??

What was the first ship you obsessed over?

- MERTHUR

What's an appropriate guilty pleasure of yours?

- fucking vanderpump rules

Do you have any collections?

- washi tape

Do you have any specific kind of style?

- gay

Are there any conspiracies you believe in?

- no

How many blogs do you follow?

- 896

If you had to describe your tumblr with only 5 words what would they be?

- gay, pets, chaotic, writing, art

What hemisphere do you live in?

- northern

What's something from you loved your childhood that you still proudly like now?

- harry potter or football or spiderman

02:Ever been in love?

- yes

04:How tall are you?

- 5 something

05:How much do you weigh?

- no idea

06:Any tattoos do you want?

- yeah, some transition ones, some lyrics, some watercolour, some langauges

08:OTP?

- merthur

10:Favorite bands?

- stornoway, panic! at the disco, fall out boy

12:Favorite song?

- take care of yourself by maisie peters

14:Zodiac sign?

- pisces

15:Hair Color?

rainbow

16:Favorite Quote?

- “the world is seeming really huge right now. i need something to hold on to”

18:Favorite color?

- blue

20:Where do you go when you’re sad?

- my bed or outside

22:How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

- 20 minutes

24:Turn on?

- lip biting

25:Turn off?

- being too passive i guess? i’m a big sub

26:The reason I joined Tumblr?

- harry potter fandom i think

28:Last thing that made you cry?

- unexpectedly seeing photos of my exes

30:Meaning behind your url

- i’m a slytherin and a friend called me the shakespeare of insults

32:Last song you listened to?

- the good side, troye sivan

34:Last person you talked to?

- school friend

35:The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

- friends

36:Favorite food?

- i swear i’m gonna change my answer every time, pancakes

38:Last place you were?

- WE’RE IN QUARANTINE

40:Last time you kissed someone?

- september i think

42:What color underwear are you wearing?

- blue w/ bananas

44:What color bottoms are you wearing?

- black and white

45:Wearing any bracelets?

- 4 rainbow, 2 trans

46:Last sport you played?

- tennis

48:Last prank call you made, doing?

- n/a

50:Favorite movie?

- moana 2. cloudy skies or clear blue

4. coffee pot or tea pot

5. matching or mismatched dinnerware

6. lambs or calves

8. wheat fields or cattails

10. picking apples or strawberries

12. comfy sweaters or flowing sleeves

14. trimmed hedges or overgrowth

15. piglets or foals

16. daffodils or tulips

18. yellow or green hues

20. crows or owls

22. hanging baskets or pots

24. pancakes or scones

25. birch trees or oak trees

26. toadstools or chanterelles

28. straw hats or dungarees

30. crackling fire or babbling stream

🎨 do you have any hobbies you regret quitting? would you consider starting them again?

- lots of sports, yeah

🎟 what are some artists/bands whose music brings back childhood memories for you?

- kelly clarkson, show of hands, basshunter, avril lavigne

🎻 if you began learning a new instrument today, which one would you pick?

- guitar

🔭 what’s your go-to topic to learn about when you’re bored?

- lgbt history, languages

🎞 what movie(s)/TV show(s) do you find comforting to watch?

- parks and rec, b99, the good place, cxg, chuck, one day at a time

🕯 do you have any self care activities you do routinely?

- writing

☕️ what’s your favourite hot drink?

- chai latte

💌 what’s something you love about the last friend/family member you texted?

- i could literally text her being like “i have not done anything ever” and she’d be like “i’m so proud of u tell me everything”

📆 what are you looking forward to in the next year?

- going to viennaaaa

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

- outgoing

4. Are you easy to get along with?

- yes

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

- yes

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

- either people who need fixing (disastrous) or people who care as much as i do (excellent)

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

- my best friend

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

- everyone i drunk texted tonight

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

- clean (taylor swift), wonderland (taylor swift), midnight love (girl in red), place we were made (maisie peters), she (dodie)

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

- yes and no

15. What good thing happened this summer?

- i fucking committed to putting myself first

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

- fuck no i respect myself

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

- no

20. Do you like your neighbors?

- i don’t know them well but yes

22. Where would you like to travel?

- baby we’re in quarantine i would settle for going back hom or visiting a friend

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

- my late nights with the puppy

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

- wow, my chest

26. What do you do when you wake up?

- grumble that i have to be up, play animal crossing til i properly wake up

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

- oscar, jules, umme, katherine, char

30. Do you ever want to get married?

- yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

- okay well ben platt immediately appeared in my mind but i think there would have to be someone dominant to balance it out so maybe ryan reynolds?

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

- okay so currently nothing really, but tennis and i used to play rounders, football, netball, gymnastics, judo, swimming, sailing

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

- without tv, youtube exists

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

- welcome to my life right now

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

- compassionate, caring, independent but likes to spend time together, plans fun dates

40. What do you want to do after high school?

- go to uni so well done me

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

- usually i’m sad or concentrating real hard (or reading a fic)

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

- ooh, ocean because definitely life??

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

- puppy

46. What are you paranoid about?

- being unloveable

48. Have you ever been drunk?

- yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

- white and navy

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

- my body?? or my self confidence

54. Favourite store?

- tiger or lush

55. Favourite blog?

- ballym

56. Favourite colour?

- blue

58. Last thing you ate?

- oreo chocolate

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

- i think for writing when i was younger

62. Been arrested? For what?

- no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

- okay so context, my ex was about a foot taller than me so when i went for a kiss i totally missed and hit his chin and it was very sweet and utterly hilarious

65. Are you hungry right now?

- nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

- equal

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

- tumblr

70. Names of your best friends?

- okay i’m just gonna go with who i drunk texted tonight so, oscar, umme, char, katherine, jules

72. What colour are your towels?

- blue, purple, grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

- one or two

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

- in this house, at least 10, at my childhood house over 100

75. Favourite animal?

- tiger

76. What colour is your underwear?

- blue w bananas

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

- clotted cream vanilla

80. What colour pants?

- black and white

82. Favourite movie?

- moana

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

- gretchen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

- crush

88. Last person you talked to today?

- kat

90. Name a person you love?

- hannah

92. In a fight with someone?

- no

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

- at least 10 in my room rn

95. Last movie you watched?

- johnny english reborn

96. Favourite actress?

- rachel bloom

98. Do you tan a lot?

- a bit

100. How are you feeling?

- a lot better than i was when i started this tbh

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

- yes but lets not rn

103. Can you spell well?

yes

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

- yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

- yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

- yes

108. What should you be doing?

- taking the dog out and sleeping

110. Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?

- welcome to my life

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

- my sister i think

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

- yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

- no

116. Are you listening to music right now?

- yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

- yes

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

- no

122. Is cheating ever okay?

- i would say no, but i don’t think things are black and white

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- eh not really

125. Do you believe in true love?

- i believe in many true loves

126. Are you currently bored?

- nope

128. Would you change your name?

- already did

130. Do you like subway?

- yes

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

- oscar

134. Can you count to one million?

- i could but i have the attention span of a goldfish

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

- oh who knows

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

- closed

138. Curly or Straight hair?

- curly

140. Summer or Winter?

- winter

142. Favourite month?

- september

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

- dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

- both

146. Was today a good day?

- yeah i think it was, i just got overwhelmed

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“the universe is seeming really huge right now. I need something to hold on to”

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

okay its a russian grammar book we don’t need that energy at ten past 1 in the morning

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actual-flying-grayson · 7 years

Text

Hello friends! This is one of my first short stories, it’s a topic I’m very passionate about. Please enjoy!

BROKEN

“I hate therapy,” I thought to myself, not for the first time that day, as I loaded myself into the car. The thought continued to swirl around in my head as I continued the short drive to Doctor Zimmer’s office. She insisted I call her Diane, even though I persistently made it clear I didn’t want anything to do with having a closer working relationship with her. Her infectious optimism was always somewhat off-putting, which is probably why my family wanted me to see her.

I folded the arms of my hoodie around my chest as I fought to keep the chill at bay as I slid out of my car. I braced myself mentally for the next grueling hour of tedious questions.

‘Just one last session, just one last session.’

The thought repeated in my mind over and over again, like a toddler practicing a newfound rhyme. Today was the last day I would have to see Doctor Zimmer, excuse me, Diane, and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved.

I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room for terribly long, thank God. The secretary brought me back and I flopped down into the squishy orange armchair I’d become so well acquainted with in the past ten weeks. Doctor Zimmer greeted me in her usual way.

“How are you this morning, Levi?” All shiny white teeth and just a little too much mascara. I mumbled something resembling a response as I kept my eyes on my dirty tennis shoes. We then proceeded to slog through about forty-five minutes of the same garbage as the past three months. The continuous picking apart and unpacking of my neuroses, my trust issues, my emotional distancing, blah, blah, blah. Towards the end, she folded one leg over the other and fixed a look on me from over her clipboard.

“Levi, what is it that you think is wrong with you?” She took off her glasses and looked at me more intently. Is she trying to be maternal? Comforting? I had no idea, but God did I wish she would look somewhere else, she was making me uncomfortable.

“Honestly ‘Diane’ for a hundred and fifty bucks an hour, I’d kinda like to know what the hell you think.”

She pursed her lips into a thin red line and was silent for several seconds. “Well Levi, I think you’re dysfunctional.”

“Meaning what, exactly?”

“Meaning, frankly, that you’re just a little bit broken. That’s ok though, everybody is, to some degree or another.” She said the last sentence with her token optimism and tried to reach for my hand, which I deftly withdrew into the pockets of my jacket. She awkwardly withdrew her hand back to her own lap and tried for another confident smile, which died on red lips almost as soon as it started. She settled for a look resembling that of pity, and looked at the clock above the door. “Well Levi, it seems we’re out of time for today, I’m sorry. Now, I know this is your last session and all, but if you ever need anything don’t hesitate to call and set up another appointment. Have a Merry Christmas!”

I gave her a polite smile as I rose from the chair and walked decisively back out into the cold to my car.

BROKEN

What the hell was that supposed to mean, ‘everyone is a little bit broken’? What a load of shit. I unlocked the front door of my apartment to hear the sound of my roommate watching a movie in the living room. I shook the snow off my shoes and stepped in to see him and his girlfriend cuddled on the couch, just as absolutely adorable as could be. Lovely.

DYSFUNCTIONAL

“Hey man, how was your doctor’s appointment?” I heard from the couch as I set my car keys down on the kitchen table.

“It was fine. Hopefully I won’t have to go back. Finger’s crossed, right? If you need me I’ll be in my room doing some stuff for work.”

“Aw come on, why don’t you take a break? Come and finish the movie with us,” my roommate’s girlfriend said in a chipper voice as she made some space on the couch for me. I shot her a small smile but didn’t respond as I ducked into my room. I clicked on my computer and sat down to write. I’ve been attempting to become a writer, in the pursuit of a long awaited dream. I was well aware that my writing skills were absolute garbage, and I was strangely comfortable with that. I’d had a couple short stories published in some local magazines, but nothing very popular. My brother had gotten all the writing talent in the family, having written and published several novels already.

I should have listened to my mother and become an English teacher instead.

LONELY

I blinked my eyes several times as the word faded from my mind, and shook my head softly to clear out the cobwebs. I had been writing for several hours when I decided that I should probably take a break and get something to eat. It had been a long day and I figured that I had earned a bit of a treat, so I grabbed my wallet and coat from off of my bed. I opened my bedroom door and stepped into the living room, very pointedly making quite a lot of noise. If I didn’t interrupt them every so often with my presence I’d have to have the couch steam cleaned again, and that tended to get expensive.

I grabbed my keys off of the table and closed the door behind me as I left. I started off at a steady pace, shoulders bunched beneath the cold. I had my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, curled into fists around my cell phone and keys. I felt the short, pulsating buzz of my phone vibrating, and pulled it out to answer. I looked at the photo ID before answering and wilted ever so slightly as my brother’s name lit up the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Levi, how are you? How was your appointment?”

“Hiya Daniel, it went well thanks. I’m doing fine I guess, yourself? I saw online that you just got another book out, that’s got to be exciting”

He gave a short laugh, “Yeah I suppose so. I don’t suppose you’ve gotten the opportunity to read it yet, have you?”

He knew damn well that I hadn’t, same with the last four books. For the sake of our relationship though it was easier to tell him what he wanted to hear. “I actually picked up a copy yesterday, I was just going out to grab some dinner and get started on it.”

“Hey, that’s awesome. You gotta let me know what you think, alright. Hey, have you heard from Kaitlyn lately?”

Ex-girlfriend. “No, not in months, why?”

“Funny enough I bumped into her not that long ago.” There was a soft giggle from the background, I rolled my eyes and tried to conceal my disgust.

“That’s great. Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

“Sure thing brother. Call Mom, she worries. Merry Christmas, Levi.”

“We’re Jewish, Dan. We don’t celebrate-“

More giggling. “That’s great man, talk to you later!”

BROKEN

The line clicked off and I put my phone away as I pushed open the door to my destination: a small diner down the street from my apartment. It was clean, friendly, and most importantly, cheap. I picked one of the red vinyl booths along the wall and placed my order. While I waited for it to come out, I continued to think about my doctor’s appointment that day, as well as everything else that had been going on lately.

BROKEN

I am thirteen years old. I am home by myself. I am watching the snow come down outside, hoping school is cancelled tomorrow. I see a familiar car pull up outside. One of my older brother’s friends. She is much cooler than me, because she is in high school. Her name is Brandy, and she is easily the nicest of all of my brother’s friends. Most of them ignore me because I’m still pretty young, but Brandy is always nice to me. I think she is very pretty. She comes out of her car and walks up to the house and rings the doorbell, but I’m already at the door. Daniel and my parents are out of the house right now, and I am by myself. I am not allowed to have people in the house when I’m alone, but Brandy is different. I open the door.

“Hey, buddy, wake up. You’re freaking out the other diners.” I snap out of my reverie to look at the source of the voice. It’s my waiter, who appears to have brought my food. I mumble my apology and set about eating quickly so I can go home. Suddenly I’m very nervous, and I have no reasonable justification for it. I haven’t thought about her in, God how long ago was that? I thought I’d forgotten everything about her. She used to be pretty cool until her and my brother lost touch after graduation. I wonder what she’s up to now?

Hot breath on my neck. My voice is catching in my throat. I am crying, even though Dan said that men aren’t supposed to cry.

I blink again, and give my food one last look before I get up to pay. I hurriedly leave the diner and start the walk home. I should have driven instead, even though it’s such a short distance, the snow is beginning to fall even harder. I jam my hands in my pockets and pull my hood up to cover my ears. I need to get home quickly, but I don’t know why, I just fell so strange tonight. Stupid damn therapist, I never should’ve gone in the first place.

BROKEN

I can fix you Levi. Sad little Levi.

I shake my head again as I almost bump into a middle-aged woman walking briskly with her young son. She takes one look at me before pulling her son closer and hurrying away. How odd, I’ve never had that happen to me before. People are probably on edge because of the storm. I know that I am. Tonight has been weirdly reminiscent for me, I don’t normally get like this. I just need to get home and warm up before I freeze out here.

I make the rest of the journey back to my apartment quickly and quietly, avoiding other people on the sidewalk as much as possible. For some reason I scared that woman, and I don’t want to do that to anybody else tonight. I unlock the door to my apartment and all of the lights are off as I step into the living room and drop my keys onto the table. I click on a light and sit down at the table to look at the small stack of mail on the table as I warm up slowly but surely. I hear a small muffled noise come from my roommate’s room and I stop to try and identify it. Again, I hear a faint, feminine sigh, followed by the creaking of a slightly too old mattress.

DYSFUNCTIONAL

I whimper softly. I am very scared, and I don’t know what to do, and I just wish that my family would come home. “Shhh, be quiet. You don’t want someone to hear us, do you?” I try to quiet myself. Her hands are everywhere, as her mouth presses to mine. I am still crying and I cannot stop. I want to stop. I want everything to stop. I can’t stop though, I can’t stop the crying. I can’t stop anything. I am too weak.

I’ve been out too long and my hands are stiff, so I decide to warm them up by trying to write some more. I walk into my room and sit down at my laptop.

“You’re not exactly you’re brother but I guess you’ll do. Hold still.”

I open up my latest story and give it a quick scan before placing my cursor at the beginning and hammering the delete button over and over again until the page is blank. Then I open up another one of my stories and give it the same treatment. Then again, and again. Over and over until my finger is numb. The calm, rational part of my brain speaks to me, telling me that I’ll be alright. For the first time in my life however, I am able to easily silence that little voice. The only bit of rationality I am able to summon at the moment is the inability to cry. Thank God, I won’t do that again.

I stand up from my desk and grab my keys off the table. I need to get out for a bit, get some fresh air. The cold air stings my arms as I realize that I’ve forgotten my jacket. It doesn’t matter, I won’t be out for very long anyway. Just long enough to clear my head, to sort out what the hell is going on. Where are these thought’s coming from? Are these memories even mine? I haven’t thought about Brandy in so long. I haven’t remembered in even longer.

I don’t know what happened next.

I woke up in a hospital, with soft leather cuffs holding my hands to the edge of a white bedframe that reeked of sterility. My whole body was numb, and I assumed that it was from the cold. I tried to lift my left arm, only to feel the dense weight of so many white cotton gauze bandages pulling against the cuff on the bed. ‘Oh’, I think to myself, ‘I see’. I’ve been here before, but not in a very long time. Not since I was a teenager at least. The memories of the night before hammer into my chest with the force of a runaway train. A nurse bustles into the room once they see that I’m awake.

The next several days passed in a relative haze, although I never did seem to get much of a moment’s peace. Several doctors at a time would come in to speak with me about what had happened. Once everyone got all of the information they wanted, I was allowed visitors. At first it was only my parents, but slowly others came to visit as well. My roommate, my brother, some of the other friends I had grown close to in my life.

After I recovered physically, the doctor’s wanted me moved to a separate facility to sort out what happened. It took some time, but eventually I got everything out that needed to get out. Things that I had forgotten, things that I had put away even from myself. One of the psychiatrist’s asked me if I wanted to tell my parents, or if I wanted someone else to do it. I figured that it should come from me, in order to help with the healing process. Either my healing process or theirs, I’m not sure. My parents were angry, and confused, and hurt that I hadn’t said anything. I think Daniel blames himself. A small part of me thinks that maybe he should.

I have since been released from the hospital. I suppose I should say hospitals, plural. While there I was able to get help, which is probably what I needed. I am still broken. Very, very broken. I’m repairing myself though, slowly. so slowly it hurts sometimes, but I can look myself in the eyes now without fear, and that’s progress. Damn it if still don’t hate therapy though.

If you’ve made it this far through my story, then thank you! I appreciate the time and attention. If you enjoyed it, please let me know! If you have any constructive criticism, please do the same, I’m constantly trying to improve. I hope this can help some of you out there, have a good night.

#short story #my experience #broken #warning #therapy #mental health

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