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vacantdesireprose · 1 year

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Who Am I?

My answer at 8 is not the same answer at 29.

At 8, I was lost and unsure of the world around me. I was sweet, but lacked boundaries (what real 8 year old has boundaries?). At 8, I was athletic and hyper and nerdy. My baby hair’s never stayed down and I hated math. I wasn’t necessarily an overachiever, but I liked to be involved. I was ostracized by male peers and felt lonely pretty often.

At 12, I was discovering pleasure and lust. I was lying more about my thoughts and actions. I was exploring myself and being shamed for it. My parents didn’t allow me to stay at anyone’s house for an hour and especially not overnight. I was very sneaky and curious. I allowed boys and men to objectify me. I thought it meant I was special and seen. I was still pretty involved, but not only in academics or sports. My first love was karate. My second was boys. I didn’t really fit in anywhere with my friend groups. I had a hard time with the boys because I was sweet and had a great ass. I had a hard time with the girls because my great ass got attention from certain boys.

At 14, I felt love for the first time. I also felt lust. These two didn’t go well together. I was curious about the world around me. I was a liability to my parents because I lied a lot and I was a liability to my boyfriend because well, I lied a lot. Life at this age was severely inappropriate and fun and turbulent. I did what I wanted, got home when I wanted, and kissed who I wanted. I was happiest with my friends (who weren’t good friends). I spent most of my afternoons in parks and playgrounds getting finger fucked and convincing the world I was worthy of being seen.

At 16, I felt depression and disappointment for the first time. Like real disappointment. Not “you can’t go to karate tonight” disappointment- no. This was some heavy shit. I was manipulated, tricked, and abused by a man much older than me. I was impregnated and threatened. I was then forced to abort the only bit of hope I felt within me. I was left empty. Alone and empty, I grew bitter and angry. After this, everything in my reality changed. My hope in humanity, my self-worth, my ideas of who I was as a woman were shattered. With no one around to pick up the pieces. At this age, I was also greatly embraced by the adults in my high school. Change is sometimes really good. I traveled, learned new skills, and opened my eyes to the life I could have ahead of me. I still loved to be involved. At this point, my involvement looked like varsity sports teams and many clubs & organizations. This age taught me the importance of access and opportunity.

At 18, I dug myself out of the trenches and developed a lust for life. I partied, I prioritized health, and of course, chased love. Sought every opportunity to feel love, to feel something. The remnants of my unborn child gave me permission to chase anything that would give me a dopamine increase. I wanted so badly to erase my past, eradicate the life I’d had. My relationship with my family was essentially non-existent at this point. I was being kicked out of the home and sleeping in my car for disobedience. I worked hard and played harder- whether my mother approved of it or not. But I was so ambitious! I was thriving in my personal life- drivers permit, working, receiving college entry letters. Life was good on my terms.

At 22, I started going to therapy. I was living on campus (on my terms) and was creating beautiful relationships with my peers. I joined a sorority, went to California, had two more abortions by that boy I lost my virginity to at 14, and got drunk and high....often. At this point, I thought my personality had been permanently imprinted on me. I was young and wrong. Still full of life and experiences to be had. Thinking back, I was so young. It was my second year of teaching and it was a blissful experience. I was dating my first outwardly emotionally unavailable guy. We could argue that the abusive ex was emotionally unavailable, but that’s too kind of a phrase to describe such a monster. No no, this guy, he was really sweet in that cliché way that you see in the movies. We baked bread and he serenaded me, and his friends and family loved me. “You better marry that girl,” they’d say. What people didn’t see was that he never- not once in the two years we dated told me he loved me. Not once, claimed me to be his girlfriend. I fucked my childhood friend at one point while we dated. I knew it was time to cut that cord.

At 25, I was the happiest I’d been in a long time. I was living with one of my college sorority sisters in a stunning fourth floor walkup with big beautiful windows overseeing the Bayonne bridge. For two years, we loved each other, had fun with each other, and looked after one another. The boys and drama and insecurities in between are irrelevant now. All I remember is the love. Time with my roommate was a reality romcom. She was my sister and I loved her dearly. As always, though, things come to an end and new chapters unfold. We parted ways more bitterly than I’d ever anticipated. The moment our lease was up, it set the expiration date for our friendship too. That’s how things felt. Once that relationship closed, I welcomed back an old friend. The pandemic brought back my love from 14. Now full adults, we attempted to navigate this old road. It was clear from the beginning that not much changed. It was clear from the start that the trauma, the bitterness, the spite was still simmering close to the surface. We didn’t make it past year one of the lease, but I gained value in learning my needs.

At 27, I was seeking. Seeking love, validation, money, comfort, obsession. I was trying to heal my 8 year old self. Always feeling isolated, feeling unworthy of the love I desired. This journey has not ended. It has merely begun. At 27 I got more serious about the ways I showed up authentically in my life. I thought more deeply about how my contributions impact relationships- whether negatively or positively. At this point, I was no longer a fresh faced educator. Now, I was maturing in my profession- even if it didn’t feel like it. The trajectory of my life, of my career felt like an upward spiral to nowhere. Almost 6 years in my profession of choice- not of desire- and I felt as though I’d moved nowhere fast. People respect me, people look to me for execution, I’ve been featured, my data has been phenomenal. But, unfulfilled. I’d felt unfulfilled. This is a reoccurring theme- unfulfillment.

At 29 I found my way to God. He never left me, but I’d lost my faith long ago. Loss, manipulation and deception can do that to a person, but He never left me. At 29, my friendships have become more stable, my impulses are under control, and my need to disappear has slightly lessened. This time has been filled with vulnerability, reflection, and intentionality. My tribe has flocked my direction, opportunities have been endless. I’m a far ways from the age of 8. A lot of who I am, I can’t negate. I love it all, every single place. My journey through life, God won’t mistake. I am here to alchemize my child self and rebirth a true alignment of all that God sees me to be.

At 8, I was lost and unsure of the world. I guess some things never really change.

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lacheri · 3 years

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More simp Eren pls 😩 I wanna know how he teaches us what he wants in bed

SAY LESSSSS I GOT YOU!!! (nsfw under the cut, minors DNI, simp!eren)

i got carried away with this sorry not sorry

how Eren teaches you what he wants in bed

First and foremost, his top priority is you. As long as you’re getting off, Eren’s getting off, plain and simple.

But when it comes to his own kinks and desires, he’s gonna be introducing you to them day mf one. He’s super into giving you praises and compliments, it morphs itself into a consent kink as well.

“I’m gonna’ make you feel so good, princess” is a prime example of the two coming together, it gives you an opening to accept or refuse whatever he’s prepping you for. And luckily for you, most of the time it’s head. Which brings us to our first point:

Eren loves head, giving and receiving. He has no problem switching between dom and sub mode, and often does so seamlessly.

He wants your thighs suffocating him, he wants you to use his face as your personal sex toy. He’ll encourage you by grabbing your thighs at first, moving them so they’re squeezed around his head.

Dom!Eren’s gonna hold your hips down and eat you out like he’s fucking starving, while Sub!Eren lolls his pretty little tongue out, gazing up at you in complete adoration and worship, letting you take whatever you want from him.

Regardless of whatever role he’s serving, Eren loves it fucking sloppy and filthy. If he can’t tell the difference between his spit and your pussy’s juices, he isn’t doing his job right.

Eren’s the type of simp who will eat you out for 45 minutes. This is facts idc idc

You’re guaranteed an orgasm with Eren. There’s no questioning, no debates. And while Eren wouldn’t care or mind at all if you owned actual sex toys (he’d definitely want to use them on you too if you do), just know Eren’s willing to drop to his knees at any given moment for you.

And when it’s Eren’s turn, your ears are going to burn as he praises you.

Because Eren is so good to you and your body, you naturally want to reciprocate the favor.

Eren is vocal. Your man is not shy in the slightest. He’s guiding you with his words, encouraging your every move.

Hands on your head, playing with your hair, rubbing massages into your scalp as you suck his cock. Every single time.

He’s going to guide your head the entire time, and not once is he going to look away. Maybe for a split second to throw his head back as he swears in ecstasy, but he’s lolling right back forward to keep complimenting you and how hard you’re working to please him.

“Such a good girl, yeah, just like that, you look so pretty sucking my cock,” he’s cooing to you the entire time.

He’s shocked every time you deep throat, or try to.

He’s in the palm of your hand, physically and emotionally, completely wrapped around your finger.

And in the back of his mind, Eren’s worried sick that his big cock is too big for your tiny throat and that he’s hurting you. He might try to pull you back by your hair, just to be sure you’re getting enough breath.

And while Eren is completely in love with you as he watches the fat tears roll down your cheeks, telling you how you’re such a good girl, he’d much rather see your mouth hanging open as he fucks you into oblivion.

Going down on Eren never lasts as long as you want to. Half of it due to Eren’s sensitivity, he’s going to bust the second you place your beautiful lips around his head, and because he knows your pussy is drenched and begging for attention.

And afterall, he’s got one job here, and that’s to worship you like the goddess you are.

Eren has no problem not cumming during sex. He doesn’t fuck you for his pleasure, he’s doing it all for you.

If he feels your pretty hole tightening up, or you’re quivering in exhaustion, he’s stopping right then. Eren’s wrapping you in his arms, and telling you how good of a job you did for lasting as long as you did. Sometimes you just need the quick break, entirely spent from all the orgasms Eren’s giving you.

“Eren,” you’d whine, getting the feeling back in your legs, burning desire pooling in your stomach. “Need you, now.”

“Are you sure, princess?” he’d look at you with so much concern, and a hint of a smirk would grace your lips as his cock would throb at your confession. “I can just eat you out, baby, if you want.”

You’d swing your legs over his thighs and slide his massive dick right back into your warmth, and Eren would be putty in your hands.

And Eren’s okay with this, simp!Eren is a switch through and through. He’s totally fine into molding into whatever fits the mood the best.

But when it comes to Eren taking control, oof, good luck, you’re going to need it.

When Eren’s in full dom mode, he’s plowing into like there’s not a second to waste. He’s going to bring you to your climax as fast as humanly possible, because he’s on the edge himself and can’t hold back anymore.

Eren’s got his hands all over you, and he can’t stop telling you pretty, gorgeous, beautiful you are. He’s telling you how good you feel around him, kissing you so deeply, you’d think he was trying to steal the air from your lungs.

More than anything, Eren loves feeling your hips try and meet his pace. He’d be okay if you laid there and took his assault, but when he feels/hears how desperate you are for him as well, it’s game over.

He’s on the brink of shooting his load into you, and only with your permission does he paint your walls in white. That’s Eren’s favorite place to cum, he loves to watch his seed leak out of your hole, one of the many claims he has on you. He knows you know this, and he feels a swell of awe knowing you want his pleasure as much he wants yours.

Eren adores hearing your whimpers and moans, it’s necessary for him to cum. He’s a very vocal lover, and if you’re not at the beginning of your relationship, he’s going to teach you exactly how to get comfortable mewling for him.

“Need to hear you, baby,” he’d kiss your neck sloppily, right below your ear as he would rasp. “I wanna’ hear how good I’m making you feel.”

“Do you like that?” Eren would ask huskily. “C’mon princess, tell me.”

Eren loves dirty talk. He loves the chase, the teasing. Loves making you feel like a queen, your pleasure is his pleasure.

And when you finally cum, on his mouth, his fingers, or around his cock, he’s coaxing you down so lovingly it brings tears to your eyes.

Eren is the King of Aftercare.

When the both of you settle down, the tingles of dopamine filling your brains, he’s rushing to clean up the mess he’s created.

Eren is in utter disbelief every time he’s face to face with your sobbing cunt, wet rag in hand. You’re soaked, the wet spot on the bed as proof of your love making. On especially long and exhaustive sessions, he’s picking you up bridal style and putting you in a warm bubble bath, following right behind you to massage your sore muscles.

Eren is so deeply in love with you, he’d do absolutely anything for you. It doesn’t take much to teach you how to please him in bed, because his biggest kinks revolves you and your pleasure. He’ll take as long as he needs to to teach you how to use your voice, how to respond to his praises, how to navigate between his switches.

But with Eren, it all comes so naturally. You never feel uncomfortable in his love, because Eren makes you feel so wanted, so beautiful, so loved and adored that you never have to question his devotion.

SIMP EREN SUPREMACY! I SAID WHAT I SAID!

#Anonymous #eren smut #eren headcanons #eren jeager x reader #simp eren lives in my head rent free #cherieanswers

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2021fuckitup · 3 years

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“ WE GET HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS”

Helpful hints for newborn to old fuckers...

Why A Torch Lighter Is Ideal:-Your product liquifies, then smokes, almost instantly

-It is MUCH easier to control the direction the meth flows, as well as what is receiving heat

-You can get MUCH bigger hits

-You can avoid burning it so much easier than with other flames

-No flickering flame

-Butane refills are cheap as fucking shit (I got a hairspray-sized bottle of Zippo butane for the price of 2 disposable lighters)

-Don’t burn your thumb as much

-Sessions can be initiated and/or finished faster

Downsides-If you don’t pay attention, you can burn the shit out of your product, or yourself. BE CAREFUL, PAY ATTENTION, AND BE PATIENT

-Smoke through your stash quicker

-Possibly worse burns because its hotter than a bic

How to smoke meth with torch lighter for beginners:

1)First ensure that your pipe is clean.

Why?

For the ice to smoke properly. DO NOT load fresh product in a pipe with product that has been smoked, burned, or otherwise heated. If you load fresh on top of a still smokable bowl, the new and old will melt/smoke at different speeds/temperatures (can’t remember which is which right now, but I think old smokes faster), ensuing that it is very difficult to evenly heat the product. Then you get spots where part of the crystalized mass liquifies and will move with the flame, but some of it needs more heat, and for me at least, some always gets burned or darkened, and has a bad taste. If you load fresh product in a pipe with burnt shit in there, IT WILL TASTE LIKE SHIT. It will often also not melt/smoke right, AND your new stuff will taste like burnt stuff, which is THE WORST taste in the world (IM0). (FYI-I’ve heard that blowing cigarette smoke through a oil pipe (like you were going to hit it, but exhaling smoke through it instead) removes the taste. I have tried with pot smoke and it didn’t work, but have read many people say that cigarettes work.

How to Clean the Inside of A Pipe-If it is not clean, a very easy method is to fill a microwavable container (like a coffee mug) with 50% water, 50% bleach, and put the pipe (bowl facing downwards) in the water.

-Put it in the microwave for 4 minutes (yes, seriously that long-I tried after 1, 2, and 3 minutes and it didn’t work. May even take 5.)

-Let cool. Once cooled, remove from mug and drain all water.

-Using Q-tips, insert through carb hole and “mop up” the stuff left in the bowl. This may take several qtips depending on the bowl. If there is still black/brown stuff in the bowl, apply more pressure

(be careful not to break the bowl by pressing the q tip too hard on the sphere, OR accidentally pressing on the side of the carb when trying to reach around inside with q tip.) If there is still stuff in there, I have read that small bits of Magic Eraser stuffed in, and manipulated with a pole (like a q tip) work wonders, but also have not tried.

How to Clean the Outside of a PiPE

-Using a wet rag, or balled-up wet paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc, rub the outside of the bowl. This should cause the stuff on the outside to transfer onto the paper.

-If this doesn’t work, steel wool may work.

Handling/Prepping Product

-Dont handle meth by hand. It’s bad for your skin, and little amounts will dissolve. Instead, use:

Ideally: a 7/11 straw (this is a straw whose last inch or so is a scoop, sometimes used for slurpees or w/e those frozen drinks are; these straws I have found to be ideal for handling all sorts of drugs).

Realistically: Normal Straw: Straw been sealed on one end (tape, seal it with flame), and on the other has a 45 degree angle (45 degree is diagonal; if you cut a square in half diagonally, the diagonal line is 45). This allows you to scoop small fragments out of a bag, tin, or other carrying device easily, as the angled mouth scoops up crumbs, especially in corners of bags; while the sealed back prevents any from accidentally spilling.

Size/Shape

-Make sure your product is all of the same consistency. I find it best to use one crystal, preferably large (but not to large). I find the size of a tic tac, or slightly larger, to be ideal. Also, cubic or rectangular is best possible shape IME. I will often break long, skinny crystals because they dont burn as well as more square ones, and broken into small squares, they will smoke more evenly.

-While you can load bigger crystals with smaller bits/shake, I generally find it is best to load similar sized rocks. That is, load all shake, load two or three crystals of equal size, or put one crystal in there (usually a big one).

-If you need to break a crystal into smaller bits to make equal sized crystals (or to make odd shaped crystal more square), place a sanitary, nonabsorbent material on top of/around the crystal (no dollars bills here, printer paper works great.) and either snap it in two, or push against a surface. If pressing, you can use a finger, debit card, whatever, just slowly apply more pressure so you can crush to consistency of your liking. If you crush it all the way, you have shake(aka powder).

Differences Between Methods

Single Crystal (often large): Crystal will slowly lose mass as it melts, evenly becoming a pool (as long as you thoroughly spread it around the bowl).

Multiple Little Ones: If you evenly heat them: Will slowly melt into each other. Will be left with a very spread-out puddle, possibly multiple spread out ones.

If unevenly heated: There will be areas meth of varying thickness, accompanied by uneven melting and probable darkening/burning,.

Shake: Will liquify very quickly; little bits that haven’t yet been heated may go to weird parts of the bowl when you begin twisting, so you end up with tiny blotches and a single large or a few smaller puddles.

Loading Product

-Using straw, scoop your product into the chamber. Keeping upright, grab oil pipe and tilt at an angle so that the carb is pointing sideways, or angled down slightly. This will allow you to insert straw opening into carb before tipping the straw, ensuring you don’t miss the hole and lose any.

-Once inserted, twist pipe (while holding onto straw of course) until carb is once again pointing up. Tap straw to get all the little bits into the pipe (if meth is still sticking, use a scraper of some kind).

-Remove straw, and put pipe on level surface, BETWEEN TWO OBJECTS. THE PIPE WILL ROLL PEOPLE, AND WILL SPILL ALL YOUR GODDAMN PRODUCT AND/OR FALL ON THE FLOOR AND BREAK. UGH!

Now that you have a loaded pipe, ensure that you are ready to begin. Suggestions include

-Water

(lots of it!!) Both meth and smoking dehydrate you, and the more dehydrated you are, the more you will suffer from dental damage and brain damage (neurotoxicity). A large amount of methamphetamine neurotoxicity (and most dopamine toxicity) is temperature-dependent, as it often induces hyperthermia (This is similar to MDMA, aka XTC, Molly, rolls, etc). Water cools your body.

You should be urinating with irritating frequency, and should be voiding clear urine, otherwise you are already dehydrated (unless taking assloads of vitamins or something).

-Music

I can’t even describe how much music enhances the experience of smoking meth. It synergizes well-the meth makes the music sound insane, and in turn the music intensifies the high, making me feel even more intelligent/strong/attractive/cool/special. This is the part of the high I crave, and it rarely occurs (at least with the intensity I like) without music.

-Spare lighter/butane refill

When smoking meth, you are always running out of fuel. The spare lighter is also useful because lighters get really hot when ignited for long periods of time (like when smoking meth) and you can swap them out.

-Wet (but not sopping) rag or bundled tissues/paper towels/toilet paper/etc

This is to set the pipe on when not using it (a hot pipe will burn fabrics, fucking up whatever its on as well as the pipe), and to cool down the pipe after a hit. The pipe stays hot for a while, and if you don’t hit it, drugs are being lost/wasted. If you cool the pipe, it will stop heating the drugs faster (duh). Do not do this immediately after getting the pipe really hot-heat and cold on glass can break it. Wait for it to cool slightly, then use it.

When you use the rag to cool underneath liquified dope, it will emit a lot of smoke while crystalizing I read somewhere that the meth actually vaporizes/produces smoke when it hits cooler surface, but I don’t know the validity of that. I do know that cold makes it smoke more though.

-Salt Water

Swishing and gargling salt water while smoking meth (ie after a hit, and definitely after a session) will help prevent canker sores, help kill bacteria (which will inhibit meth mouth) clear mucus in back of throat (which will build up from smoking ice, and may possibly absorb some of it), and prevent sore throat. Its really easy-just add table salt to water (not too much). Some people say to use hot water, but there is more bacteria in hot water pipes, so I use cold.

-Biotene Products

These are oral healthcare products designed to combat dry mouth. There is an oral gel that you kind of spread in your mouth and coats it to act like a artificial saliva. It tastes kinda bad (not awful) and feels weird, but it beats dry/cracking skin, and is good for oral health. They also make alcohol-free (alcohol makes dry mouth worse) mouthwash that I find makes me produce a bnch of saliva for like 10-30 minutes, which can be helpful. They have toothpaste, but that is only to not irritate dry mouth. Finally, they have oral mouthspray, which is apparently the best, but I have not tried yet.

-Weed

Weed makes meth smoking more fun I find. Its hard to describe. Go slow as you may have negative anxiety reaction

Positioning:

The pipe will need to be twisted back and forth, so for me, I hold it in the middle of the stem between my middle finger and thumb. This allows me to easily roll the pipe back and forth. The carb is facing the sky/ceiling, and I have the pipe slanted, so the bowl is slightly closer to the floor than the mouthpiece. This allows me to put my index finger over the mouthpiece. so that when I first heat up the bowl all the initial smoke (that you will not yet inhale because it is not super thick and you want to build up a good hit) goes up the stem and is trapped by my finger rather than out through the little carb hole (which it will do when the stem is filled with smoke). Finally, it also allows me to use my pinky to cover the carb (I rarely do this because often the carb is hot).

Lighter

[Torch] Lighter is held in the other hand, underneath the dope in the bowl. Adjust your flame to lowest setting (if you can). While initially hitting the bowl, since your mouth is not on the mouthpiece, you can hold the pipe in front of you while you heat to gaug distance between flame and bowl, and make sure the flame is under the drugs. However, once you begin inhaling, you have a much worse view (through the bowl), and it is easy to hold the lighter too close (or far, but usually close), or to have it not even under the bowl. Due to poor depth perception (which I assume is from the drugs), or some visual warping from the curvature of the glass, its really easy to do this, and happens a lot. A mirror is helpful so you can see yourself. Another option is attaching flexible tubing (like aquarium tubing) to the mouthpiece so you can inhale through that while holding the pipe in front of you. This will also enable you to make meth bongs (search it).

Philosophy of Smoking Meth

Meth becomes a clear liquid when heated, then vaporizes into a white smoke. The idea is to heat whatever you placei n the pipe evenly so that it all melts down to liquid, then, by twisting the pipe, spread the liquid all around the bowl, so that it doesn’t stay in a hot place for too long and burn. Once liquified, the pipe can be twisted. This allows you to put your flame ahead of the liquid (think of the liquid chasing the flame), so that once the glass is heated, it will fall/roll down the curve towards your lighter and smoke. As you get close carb, you begin to twist the other way, keeping the liquid following your flame. However, with a torch lighter, you can soon twist the pipe without the flame and the liquid will still run for a while, and when it doesn’t is when you reapply the flame.

Quick Info On Torch Lighters

Torch lighters are very hot, much hotter than bics. Their flame is much more intense, and the heat above is much hotter than a bic. Therefore, you must keep much more distance between your lighter and pipe than with a bic. It will vary according to lighter type, pipe thickness, and especially flame size; but my flame is maybe between 1/3 and ½ of an inch, and my lighter stays 1-3 inches away from the pipe; with me increasing distance the longer its lit.

-Also, you do not heat the bowl with a torch lighter for long periods of time like you do a bic. Once it begins to smoke, quit using the lighter, and only reapply once the liquid quits moving when you twist the pipe. Also, be sure to twist pipe while lighting the whole time with a torch lighter, even if it is slowly. You cannot really get away with heating in one spot for a short period of time like you can with a bic.

Smoking

Premelt:

-Keeping your flame 1-2 inches below the bowl, roll flame in a circle around the perimeter of your product, so the outermost portion begins to liquify. Remember to continue moving the flame.

-As it begins to liquify, begin twisting the pipe back and forth. You want to heat the edges of the product and then the glass adjacent to the edges to make it flow there. However, when reversing the direction of the twist, make sure to heat the inside/middle for a moment as well so that it will melt once the dope bordering it has melted.

-Eventually you will have a puddle of liquid that is mobile-stop heating! COntinue to twist the pipe to spread the stuff around and wait for it to recrystalize (turn back into a liquid). You can speed this up by touching pipe with damp rag/paper towels/etc, but I like to let it cool by itself the first time. Wait for the pipe to cool down-its worth it.

Smoking

(this is assuming you are covering the mouthpiece and have the pipe angled like I mentioned in positioning)

-Now you should have a thin puddle of clear crystals stuff. Once again, heat with flame around the perimeter (much bigger this time, but it will also melt faster now because its thinner). Once melted, it should soon begin to smoke. Cease lighting once it begins smoking a fair bit and continue to twist.

-Because you have your finger over the mouthpiece and the pipe angled, the hot vapor will travel up the stem, and be trapped. Once vapor begins to emerge out of the carb hole, quickly take your finger off the stem and begin inhaling (do this quick because the stem is filled with vapor).

To Inhale:

You do not need to actually suck most of the time. With the pipe angled, simply forming a seal on the mouthpiece is usually enough, and if you have to inhale, do not suck like smoking. Instead, inhale like you are breathing but VERY slowly/softly. It takes very little pressure and the bigger hit you get, the better IMO.

Reheating

Use the torch for very brief periods of time. Once the liquid is moving and smoking agian, stop. You can also use more, but never use less once its burned.

Finishing your hit:

If your lungs are full and it is still smoking, cover the carb and mouthpiece and continue twisting. I like to hold my hits for 4-8 seconds, some say blow out right away, but I dont like that. You can also use a damp rag or damp paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc and wipe the bowl, to cool it down and make the liquid recrystalize faster (dont do this when the bowl is still super hot because it can break it). This will make it smoke a lot for a second so I like to do it while inhaling.

For Experienced Users:I have found the torch lighter to be far superior to the bic. With the bic, I would experience uneven and slow heating/melting. Now, I have almost instantaneous liquification, followed by thick smoke, and as long as I use the torch sparingly, no darkening of product. The trick is to be patient and methodical:

-Use the torch 1-3 inches away from the bowl

-Move it quickly

-“Encourage” the liquid to trael all over the bowl by leading it with the flame

-Use inward swirling movements, especially during the melting phase

-I recommend using single, squareish crystals for this.

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dizexplainstheuniverse · 3 years

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Give up hope.

If the past 2 years have taught me anything, it’s the art of giving up hope.

It’s about a human as it gets to dream, to wish, to imagine, to long for, to crave, to seek after something or someone to fulfil our wants, needs and desires.

Now, I fully believe in following the path of desire. I have absolutely no interest in sitting here and telling you I’m a desire-less puritan – quite the opposite. I’m full of unmet needs and aching yearnings.

However, I am going to try and communicate with you the importance of giving up hope...

Giving up hope doesn’t mean becoming hopeless, or admitting defeat, or becoming a lost cause.

Not at all.

What I’m talking about is giving up hope as an act of surrender.

So long as we hope, we project outwards onto the world, onto others, and unknowingly give our power away to ideas, concepts, and people. We make them, the other, something or someone outside of ourselves and outside of our control responsible for our individual happiness...

Let’s take a look at one very relatable example:

So, like many of us, I spent much of my time at the beginning of 2020 ‘hoping’ that the pandemic would all be over in a few weeks. I begged and bargained with the powers that be to make my lockdown misery end and clung desperately to hope. We all know this story too well…

Did it end?

Did it fuck.

Every few weeks ‘they’ would announce yet another indeterminable amount of time stuck in the prisons we called home.

My dreams of freedom were crushed, over and over again, until eventually – I gave up hope.

I remember thinking, “alright, I get it, screw this, I give up…” and I surrendered to the now. I stopped trying to fight reality with the idea of freedom I had constructed inside my mind in order to try and cope with the current situation.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this in my relationships (I’m the fucking Queen of projection - such a powerful imagination… ).

I was either too busy clinging to a version of a person I was hoping they’d turn out to be – or clinging to a situation, scenario or concept of what I hoped relationships could be like – to see what was right in front of me all along.

The grass was ALWAYS greener, or at least I hoped it would be…

The trouble with perpetual un-fulfilment, AKA addiction, AKA the human condition, is that we’re so damn distracted looking for the cure to our pain, hoping it’ll be in the next dopamine hit, that we are literally blind to the abundant nature of reality screaming out for our attention.

There’s a saying, right: “you wouldn’t know it, even if it hit you the face…”

When it comes to love, this has certainly been true for me.

Not only are we blinded by our past conditioning and traumas, but even when we begin to see the love, joy, pleasure, freedom, safety or belonging that’s right in front of us, we’re so fucking terrified to receive it and let it in that we subconsciously sabotage, resist, deny, reject and continue to fulfil the age-old narrative that “we’re just not good enough” or “we don’t deserve it” … or, if you’ve got an extra sneaky-smart psyche “it’s just not good enough for me!” … and off we go again, demanding more, more, more…

Of all the things, situations, and people, I’ve hoped for in my life, the moment I gave up hope and surrendered to the pain of my reality, that’s where true liberation was found.

The trouble is, we aren’t all well equipped or ready to fully feel the depths of the pain that giving up hope brings. It’s scary AF. Especially if we can’t yet see what’s right in front of us. So instead, we fight, we run, we freeze, we appease. We spend every waking moment of our lives looking for the next get-out of feeling the pain from our past.

There’s that other saying: “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” - classic. I bet you can relate to that one as well.

It was painful for me to give up on my hopes in relationships. So painful, that I’ve often stayed in alternatively slightly less painful relationships, substituting one pain for another, because facing the pain underneath of the thing I was masking was deeply terrifying – like, chilled-me-to-the-core kind of terrifying. So much so, my mind had created all sorts of elaborate tales about my unworthiness and lack of deservingness to protect me from experiencing that kind of pain ever again. And the masochist in me was indeed thriving.

It was too painful to give up hope, I needed it. I dug my claws in and I refused to let go. Because giving up hope, surrendering to what is real and present right now, meant having to acknowledge and grieve what I was never given but rightfully deserved. We’re talking, of course, about childhood wounds. The pain of that betrayal, the loss of love, care and nurturing from the adults in my life that were ‘supposed’ to care about me was truly heart breaking. Not only this, I felt just as terrified to receive it. I could not trust it that it would not come at a cost of more pain and suffering – just in another form – so why risk it?

I didn’t want to be alone - I couldn’t bare re-experiencing the pain of my loneliness and isolation. I didn’t want to be close - I couldn’t bare re-experiencing the pain of risking abandonment, rejection and neglect.

Oh, my sweet, agonising, disorganised attachment injury. Forever caught in a double-bind. “Can’t live with it, can’t live without it” – there’s another one for ya.

Truly, the only invitation I have for you here if you relate at all to these experiences, is please – give up hope.

Gently, slowly, with compassion and acceptance, feel your pain.

Hold yourself tenderly, allow your heart to break open. Soften your breath, your body, feel your feet on the ground. Release your tears, cry, scream, wail, rage, punch, roar – drop deep into the depths of your pain with such loving awareness for the universal experience of how painful it is to be a human being on this tortured planet.

You are not alone.

For I assure you, what awaits the other side is a freedom, a bliss, an ecstasy more real than any hope.

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donnerpartyofone · 4 years

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idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM.

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

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atlaskat · 5 years

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Bakugou Katsuki -- psychological analysis (meta)

I’m not a psychologist, just a social science student studying for an exam, so take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also not totally up to date with the manga (I’ve read up until volume 17). Please feel free to add your own thoughts in the replies if you want to, or call me out if I make a mistake.

------

I won’t be speaking too much on biological factors, but I think it might be good to just go through some thoughts I have on the matter. In psychological theory, there’s something called “temperament”, which is essentially a child’s most basic form of relating to the world. A well-known experiment on temperament is the famous Marshmallow experiment, where small children were presented with a marshmallow. If they could wait a certain amount of time without eating it, they would receive one more. Follow-up studies on these children showed that those which showed restraint and could wait for the marshmallow had generally gotten further in life -- these children often developed the capability of making and sticking to long-term plans, and were able to work much more methodically than their peers.

I think Katsuki would be one of the children that waited for another marshmallow. At first glance, he seems very impulsive, rushing into battle and relying on his brute force -- but I’m actually very sure that this characteristic is part of his later development, and not part of his temperament. The reason I believe this is because he shows a very clear understanding of a much bigger and long-term picture. He is very committed to becoming a hero, and this commitment entails behavior which isn’t completely typical for people his age (such as studying hard, never slacking off despite his delinquent-like persona -- even in middle school --, sleeping early, training very hard to maintain his physical condition even as a young teen, etc). This shows his self-restraint, and his ability to plan ahead.

(I’m aware that the amount of pressure to do well in education is very different in many Asian countries, but compare Katsuki to for example Kaminari -- who also wants to be a hero, but is at the bottom of his class and doesn’t seem very good at planning or studying hard. What I think is most important here is to highlight Katsuki’s commitment).

I would also argue that heritability play a role in Katsuki’s personality and cognition. Intelligence and capability to learn have some hereditary factors, which I think apply to Katsuki. It’s difficult to say what came first in this regard though -- a child might be born with a slight affinity for learning (being able to memorize things quickly could be such a trait), but this doesn’t mean they become “smarter” because of it. In this specific case, the humanistic approach of “without the right support and challenge, no child will reach their full potential” is applicable.

Still, I think Katsuki was born with at least some higher capability to grasp new concepts, which I think plays a part in his, at least partial, understanding of what it takes to not just get on top but actually stay there. Quickly memorizing new information could also play a part in the way others view him -- thinking he’s skilled, amazing, even as a small child -- which in turn fuel both his willingness to learn and his ego. I think his kindergarten years are hugely important, more on it later.

The last thing I would like to say Katsuki was born with is extroversion. This personality trait can be studied in the brain -- the “reward systems” of the brain (mainly dopamine production and the middle brain as well as around nucleus accumbens) react stronger to positive emotions. I say “born with” because of its clear hereditary implications (and as I think this trait comes from his mother Mitsuki. However, it’s possible to theorize that instead of being born with extroversion, Katsuki was born more or less without neuroticism, which occurs when the activity of the amygdala is higher than normal. This leads people to be more anxious, cautious, and avoid situations which might cause unpleasant emotions). Katsuki was very young (2-4 years old) when he first began enjoying being the center of attention, which I think shows he was born with extroversion.

Katsuki’s attachment style Since we haven’t seen that many interactions between Katsuki hand his family, especially not as a child, this part will contain a lot of my own theories and headcanons, sorry about that.

Attachment styles are easily perceived phenomenons studied in depth by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. Ainsworth noted that a child’s style of attachment manifests itself in two primary forms:

Stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. After 6 months of age a child will show an autonomous need to be close to, or seek comfort in, their “object of attachment”, usually a parent (often the mother). This need becomes apparent when the child is introduced to a stranger, or left alone, through signs of stress/anxiety.

Ainsworth devised a test to study these anxieties -- the “Strange Situation”. The test looks like this:

The child arrives in a new room together with the mother

A stranger appears

The child is left alone with the stranger

The stranger leaves

The mother returns

All in all this only took three minutes. The most interesting part was the child’s reaction once the mother came back -- its attachment style was most clear then.

Children usually have one main attachment style, which have two categories with a few subcategories. Secure attachment The child clearly prefers the mother to the stranger. It might cry or be anxious while the mother is gone, but stops as soon as she returns. These children go on to use their object of attachment as a secure base while they explore the world, meaning they return to seek comfort if they experience something negative, but quickly recover.

Later in life, these people can regulate emotions with more ease. They also cope better with adversity, and are able to connect better with people their age (forming deeper relationships). I believe Izuku was a securely attached child. Insecure attachment This form is more complicated. It has three main categories:

1. Resistant attachment The child has attached itself to in this case the mother, but the attachment is less stable. The child is anxious to let the mother out of sight -- doesn’t trust she will come back. The child may continue crying even after the mother returns and cradles it. 2. Avoidant attachment The child, generally doesn’t cry and doesn’t show its physical/emotional needs. Often it will act a bit aloof -- avoiding or completely ignoring the mother. It will act similarly towards the mother as with the stranger. These children have learned that their natural behaviors to attract attention from their objects of attachment will lead to rejection, so they suppress the needs for affection/comfort. More often than not they still experience the same levels of anxiety as other children, but don’t seek their parents to soothe them.

Disorganized attachment The child shows a lot of contradictory behavior, such as crying to be picked up, but immediately wanting to be let down again, often as a result of being scared of their object of attachment. People who were insecurely attached as children generally have more emotional problems, and are at higher risk for mental illness. I believe Katsuki had an avoidant attachment style. The attachment style of a child is largely based on the behavior of the object(s) of attachment, the parents. Insecure attachment is usually the result of parents not understanding/being unable to provide the comfort their infants seek. My theory is that Mitsuki is, like her son, a very determined and career-driven person. Like I’ve said before, I think she’s extroverted, but I also believe that she doesn’t easily connect deeply on an emotional level with people. This could be a result of how she herself was treated as a child -- as we tend to mimic our own parents -- or simply just her personality. Her own emotional needs might not take up a big part of her life, or she doesn’t really need others to comfort her, which in turn means she might assume others are the same. Ainsworth had a few criteria for a “good parent”:

1. Responsive 2. Permissive 3. Cooperative 4. Psychologically available

I think Mitsuki was, or is, lacking in most/all of these. Clearly, from what we’ve seen, she’s stubborn and knuckle-headed -- while she might have been responsive to baby Katsuki, she might not have known how to handle things beside his clear physical needs, like keeping him fed and clean. If she was also working during this period, as I would definitely assume (considering her job as a fashion designer and how well-off the family is; they live in a huge house), her availability might have suffered. Think like this:

- Mitsuki is tired, but has to finish work - Katsuki begins crying - Mitsuki changes his diaper and feeds him, but puts him down again to work - Katsuki starts crying after only a little while, but nothing ‘looks’ wrong (he’s fed, clean, warm, etc) so Mitsuki goes back to work - Katsuki continues crying, which frustrates Mitsuki because ‘nothing is wrong’; she might snap -- such as yelling, ignoring Katsuki further, or leaving the room entirely. As Katsuki begins to speak (let’s say at around 1,5 years), he might try to achieve emotional closeness by showing her his toys, trying to talk to her/play with her. If he is already ‘extroverted’ by this point he will be a lot more vocal than a timid child his age. If he hurts himself, or becomes scared, he probably tries to get Mitsuki’s attention at first, and I think this is where her biggest mistake might’ve lied. Based on how she treats Katsuki being kidnapped by the League of Villains I believe she disregards a lot of comfort-seeking behaviors as weakness.

“When you get down to it, you got taken and inconvenienced everybody cuz you’re so weak!!” I think this shows clearly how Mitsuki herself feels. Of course she worried for her son’s safety, but worrying about someone in itself is an inconvenience to her. She equates her own worrying with other people’s weakness -- if only people weren’t so weak, she wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced by worry. Mitsuki, like any parent, never wanted anything bad to happen to Katsuki. She was probably very aware that the world could be a dangerous place, so she tried to eradicate any ‘weakness’ within her own child so as he couldn’t be hurt by the world. I’m not sure where to place Masaru, Katsuki’s father, in all of this. A child can have several objects of attachment, but Bowlby expressed that usually there is a sort of hierarchy in the attachments themselves. For example, the child might favor one parent for playing, but prefer the other if they become scared. I think Mitsuki simply was the more important object of attachment in this case (this can be a result of having more skin-to-skin contact in the first months, or Masaru could for example have been working a lot of the time). Izuku on the other hand became securely attached to his mother Inko, as I think Inko is very emotional and open as a person. While the scene where Izuku cries about not having a quirk comes when he is about 4 years old, I still think this shows clearly that he seeks comfort in his mother. So, a little TL;DR before the next point: Katsuki was an ‘extroverted’ baby, who experienced a lot of emotional rejection from his mother very early on, which made him suppress his needs -- perhaps unconsciously starting to share his mother’s view on emotionality itself (and his own need for help at times) as weakness. Erikson’s life stages and Piaget’s cognitive development Another model I’ll be using is Erikson’s life stages as well as a theory by Piaget. We’ve passed the first life stage -- infant (0 - 1,5 years). This is where Erikson means that the child will develop a basic way of relating to the world: positive (the world is a place where my needs are met) or negative (the world is a place where I feel alone). Right before starting kindergarten I think Katsuki had developed the negative view, even though he was an ‘extroverted’ baby, as a result of his attachment style. - Izuku, on the other hand, developed the positive one. This meant he had a fundamental sense of hope for the world, which is very important later in life. The second stage -- toddler (1,5 - 3 years). Starting kindergarten is an extremely important step in Katsuki’s development. I think he would’ve been completely different without it -- I really can’t stress this enough. Avoidant-attached children will have to fulfill their needs somehow -- usually through validation from sources beside the object of attachment. ‘Avoidants’ can become narcissistic and overly confident, all as a means to protect themselves. This is exactly what happened with Katsuki, let me explain: As I’ve already explained, I think he was born with both extroverted qualities and an affinity for learning new things. His innate temperament was also perseverance. His avoidant attachment meant that it was seemingly very easy for him to be separated from his mother to go to kindergarten, although at the start, his negative view of the world might’ve made him cold/closed off. The kindergarten personnel catered to him, though. Through a lot of positive reinforcement (to which he is especially sensitive as of his extroversion), attention, and frequent intelligence-related challenges (such as new and complicated games, learning to read, etc) Katsuki developed a more positive outlook. According to Erikson, if one stage of life doesn’t “succeed”, it can be recuperated later, which I believe is what happened here. Where I think the kindergarten fell short however is with too much praise, or very easily letting Katsuki off the hook. I believe they saw very much potential in Katsuki from a young age -- perhaps because of this they were too eager to inforce how amazing they thought he was. Often times, we think that anger should be “released” and not repressed. We should get it out of our system, so to speak. However -- counter-intuitively -- we shouldn’t actually do this. Borrowing from the cognitive approach to psychology, the more often we think a certain thought or behave in a certain way, the stronger that mental connection becomes. I think Katsuki, because of his avoidant attachment, might’ve acted really aggressively as a child too. Instead of giving him strategies to cope with his anger the kindergarten teachers probably encouraged him to “release” it, which just made this cognitive scheme easier to access. Thus more likely to be activated again. Children who feel that their opinions and ideas are interesting and valuable will become more sociable, and take more charge, while children with overprotective carers will start doubting their own abilities. Where Mitsuki wasn’t able to do right, the kindergarten picked up the slack and followed Katsuki’s whims to encourage him. He probably developed really quickly, which probably stunned the teachers and carers. The adults’ attention fueled his confidence and ego, and this drew other children to him, which meant more attention.

According to Bandura and Skinner, both real consequences, imagined ones, and reinforcement dictate personality as well as social interactions. Sometimes though, something called “observational learning” occurs, in which no reinforcement is needed. A child often learns behavior by imitating something someone else does, and I’m not excluding this as a possibility to explain Katsuki’s bias/bigotry against quirkless people. Of course, cognitive bias also plays a major part here. As humans, we are wired to look for details which inforce our worldview.

Bandura’s model of reciprocal determinism. The individual and the environment affect each other mutually. This is part both of how Katsuki grows egotistical, and also his disdain for Izuku. Another important factor of personality is expectation. If an individual expects to be able to change the environment, they are more likely to attempt to do this. Without kindergarten intervention I believe Katsuki would have become a pessimistic, unmotivated person. Third stage (3 - 5 years) By this point Katsuki had already replaced his emotional needs and attachment to his mother with attention and admiration from his kindergarten peers/teachers (feeling superior to others). During this stage the child is supposed to develop a sort of pride of their own abilities. Katsuki was already an independent child (also because of being an ‘avoidant’), but this is where it might’ve went a little overboard. The development of his quirk was, as we all know, a turning point in both Katsuki’s view of himself/the world and his relationship to Izuku. This is mainly because of the quirk development. I’ve already stated that the kindergarten let too much slide -- the bullying of Izuku started even before the quirk development -- but now that becomes more important, as Katsuki was now capable of doing a lot more damage. Developing the quirk solidified Katsuki’s inflated ego -- now he was sure that he was the most awesome kid alive. It also solidified Izuku’s worthlessness to him (of course, if Izuku wasn’t useless, surely he should’ve developed a good quirk too?), which is how “Deku” came to be. At the same time, Izuku “needed help with everything”, but he was also really helpful towards others. He was sensitive, emotional, but still brave -- someone like that was worrying to Katsuki even back then. Katsuki -- an ‘avoidant’ -- repressed his needs, while Izuku indulged in them, openly showing this ‘weakness’. This is where Piaget’s theory comes in. According to the theory, people develop “schemata” and “concepts” which are cognitive structures.

1. A schema is a mental representation which covers a range of behaviors, e.g.: a child learns to pick up a bottle. It learns that it can pick up other things too, so the action of picking something up becomes a schema. 2. A concept is a mental structure which relates to the environment. A concept of an object entails for example what that object does, what it’s used for, and its relation to other objects. Children develop concepts and schemata very early on, and after that there are two processes which occur heavily in the first few years, and then continue throughout life: 1. Assimilation -- new information is modified to fit existing schemata/concepts. For example, a child making engine sounds while playing with a block of wood has assimilated the block into their concept of a car.

2. Accommodation -- the new information can’t fit into existing schemata/concepts, so new ones have to be made. This is part of changing worldviews -- let’s say a little boy only has two categories for animals: birds and fish. But then he sees a dog. If he says “that’s a fish”, he has assimilated the new information, but if he makes up a whole new category of animals, then he has accommodated the new information. There are periods of life in which a child will assimilate more than it accommodates (and vice versa). Piaget called these periods “cognitive equilibrium”. The counterpart is “disequilibrium”. This might be part of something which happens during the first few years of life -- there is an explosion of neurons, brain cells, during this time. When the accommodation has occurred, the child will go back to assimilating. Katsuki developed a lot during kindergarten, and therefore created lots of new concepts and schemata. For example, “I am awesome and everyone else is not”, is a cognitive scheme which enables one to enact their superiority over others. “Deku is useless and I can hit him” is another such concept. However, ‘Deku’s uselessness’ is something Katsuki came up with as a defense mechanism -- as stated before, Izuku indulged in (normal) behavior which Katsuki saw as weakness. But, as any child, he still experienced anxieties and wanted affection. This went against his conviction that sensitivity was weakness, so Katsuki projected all these needs onto Izuku. Punishing Izuku then became a way of punishing himself for the things he wanted. This worked for a while, but then Katsuki became aware of the fact that Izuku was brave enough to go against him, and not only that, but look down on him enough to assume he could need help. He, the most awesome person ever.

This could mean two things.

Sensitivity is not weakness, and it’s not wrong to want it

Katsuki is still so weak that even people like Izuku are a threat

Accommodation is a more difficult process than assimilation, so Katsuki avoided changing his view of sensitivity, which was so deeply ingrained, by adopting the second possibility. But this was scary, and incredibly disturbing to Katsuki, which meant the hostility towards Izuku especially grew. So this is when the bullying picked up a bit. Stage four -- 6 - 12 years During this stage most children begin going to school, the stakes and expectations are higher, etc. I believe Katsuki thrived in a school environment too, with steadily increasing levels of challenge. This is also when both Katsuki’s and Izuku’s admiration for All Might increased, for different reasons. In Katsuki’s eyes, All Might was so strong he always won no matter what, which enabled him to get in more fights. Winning these fights fueled his ego, and he began believing he could surpass All Might. Stage five -- 13 - 18 years Ooh, here’s when it gets juicy. I believe the bullying might not have been too intense back in stage 4. Erikson defined this stage as “identity against role diffusion”. During their teen years, most people begin identifying all the different sorts of roles they have in life, which might cause some anxiety. That’s why a lot of teenagers are experimenting with their identity, and go through what adults often disregard as “phases”. This searching is very important however, because every person needs to have a secure sense of “this is me” to be mentally healthy. We need to believe there’s a core in our identity, which will stay the same even if we or our surroundings change. Middle school Katsuki and Izuku are both 14 when the series starts. Katsuki is still delusional, prideful, and narcissistic. His teachers think he is powerful enough that it’s inevitable he will go on to UA, which only confirms his view of himself. Right now he tries to act unbothered, but Katsuki is painfully aware of the fact that Izuku hasn’t abandoned the dream to be a hero, even though he is quirkless. All of Katsuki’s intimidation tactics -- blowing up the notebook, for example -- are all desperate attempts to discourage Izuku from even trying, because Katsuki is still scared and disturbed by Izuku in general. Perhaps more so than usual, because I think Katsuki’s trying to find his identity right now as well, especially since it’s time to apply to high school. “Leaving Izuku behind” might be the most symbolic thing Katsuki can think of. He feels as though he’s been stuck with Izuku for years, and wants to hammer home the differences between them, defining his own identity in the process. Still, Izuku is going to apply to UA. I know Katsuki looks pretty unbothered while telling Izuku to take a swan dive off the roof, but I’m 100% certain he’s absolutely shaking inside. It really is a last resort type of thing. Which doesn’t make it alright, of course, but I think it’s important to keep in mind that Katsuki by this point is a vulnerable young teen, unconsciously terrified of going into the world without knowing exactly who he is. Izuku’s response to this bullying and especially the swan-dive line are interesting to me. He doesn’t get depressed, instead he thinks to himself that the idiot Kacchan would have instigated a suicide if he really went through it. This is partly why I think Izuku is securely attached to his mom, even if he now doesn’t approach her with all his problems. He developed a strong sense of hope for the world, more on that in a bit. The Sludge Villain incident is a big stepping stone for both Katsuki and Izuku. We see Izuku genuinely almost give everything up after meeting All Might, and still, even as he saw someone who had bullied him, he still rushed in without a second thought as soon as that person seemed to need help. And in reality, Katsuki was asking for help. You can’t say this isn’t the face of someone who needs saving.

Of course, Katsuki catches up with Izuku just after the incident, telling him “I didn't need you to save me!”, the works.

He’s struggling really hard here to assimilate the new information. He doesn’t want to accept it. When he fell into the creek back as a child, I don’t think he actually needed any help, he probably would’ve been fine. The problem then was Izuku thinking he needed help, which he equated to being looked down upon. In this moment, the problem is that Katsuki really needed the help. Had Izuku not been there, not spurred All Might into action, Katsuki might very well have suffocated. And he knows this, he’s a smart kid. That’s why his reaction is so extreme this time. Accepting that he could’ve died if Izuku wasn’t there means, again, that there are two possibilities to Katsuki:

1. He is weak and needs Izuku’s help of all people 2. He has been wrong about sensitivity all along Both of these mean he has been wrong, both are unacceptable to him. But I think the first one, at least unconsciously, does become its own schemata. Some time after the incident Katsuki stays silent when it’s again noted that Izuku is applying for UA. On the first day there, he only tells Izuku to get out of his way, but doesn’t mock or question his presence. Izuku even comments that “ever since that day, he stopped tormenting me.” They even sit beside each other without any real problems. I think this again is due to two things: 1. Katsuki is hyper-focused on his real goals right then, he needs to do really well 2. He has accepted “Deku is applying for UA” as a new schemata, which is easier to swallow than accepting either the sensitivity or needing help thing.

High school -- UA There’s of course a minor hitch once Katsuki realises Izuku was accepted, but I think that’s fairly standard. What I think is more important for Katsuki is the fact that entering UA means coming into contact with other people his age who are more advanced than he would’ve ever thought. He’s been so far up that nobody could catch up to him for years, but suddenly, other people are merely steps away if not on the same level. The fact that other people are so close to surpassing him, and seeing Izuku has somehow developed a powerful quirk, opens the gate to the possibility that Izuku might surpass him too. As many have noticed, Katsuki is much more subdued since starting at UA. I think he’s beginning to warm up to other people (they’re not scared of him, he can’t dominate them like that). But I think his anxiety has slowly been growing, leading to the outburst/fight at Ground Beta, with All Might’s retirement as a final straw. I want to analyse him further (and even more how he’s affected by avoidant attachment!!!), but this will have to do for now. Please let me know what you thought, if you agree, if you’d like more, etc. It’s really encouraging. Have a nice day!

#long post #bnha #bnha meta #bnha psychology #psychology #bnha analysis #katsuki bakugou #bnha bakugou #kacchan #midoriya izuku #deku #bnha deku #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakudeku #psychological analysis #mitsuki bakugou

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hes-writer · 5 years

Text

One and Only

Summary: Y/N leaves Harry

Warnings: angst (what else)

Word Count: 1823 words

A/N: it’s been so long and i think im a little rusty so EXCUSE THIS SHITTY PIECE

“So she just … left?” Ed quipped with uncertainty across the table from Harry. His ginger wisps caught the fluorescent lights of the dimly lit bar. The soft rock music played by the live band on-stage added to the somber mood.

Harry gulped down another shot glass filled with Hennessy—the liquid burning his throat as it bubbled down to his stomach. The acidity combining with the uneasy feeling that he felt constantly ever since she packed her bags and left out of the blue.

“Yeah. She left.” Harry nodded with his eyelashes fluttering over his flushed cheeks. His eyes watered slightly at the thought, but he forced himself to hold them back. She didn’t deserve his tears.

—-

Y/N and Harry had only been going out for a few months—3 months at most—yet Harry couldn’t believe how close and attached he felt to her already. It was as if she was the missing part of him that he somehow found through the seemingly endless rows of lies and heartbreak. She was the light at the end of the tunnel and he was absolutely relieved when the little voice in his head whispered that she was the one—and she appeared to be on the same page.

Coming out of a long-running relationship on Y/N’s part, Harry was supportive of her every step of the way, especially during the nights where she had a dazed look on her face meaning that she was thinking of him again.

Him.

The man who broke her heart and left it crumbled to dust with the wind. It was a mutual decision, she said. Explained that everything was talked through thoroughly, but Harry knew that that was far from the truth. From a close friend of hers, that man cheated on Y/N countless times–she was just too in love, too blind, to notice the signs that he was only in it for the title. Y/N was damaged, rough at edges from his constant blunting and she didn’t seem to know how to pull away from a cheating partner.

All she knew was him. All she had experienced was him and she has no idea that being loved and loving someone was nothing like she had gone through. Loving someone wasn’t giving her everything. Its definition wasn’t to blindly throw even the most minute bits of her to him— to lose parts of herself because she was so engrossed in keeping their fire aflame. She didn’t know that voluntarily tiring herself out when she knew deep down that she didn’t agree to something wasn’t okay–because a relationship is built on the foundation of trust for two people. Mutual respect on the grounds of love and care—not a one-sided justification because he said so.

And being loved isn’t the rare event of receiving a pat on her head or an arm wrapped around her shoulder because she did something so noticeable. It’s the subtle things that stand out because of the undivided attention that one will and should give to their partner. Unconsciously acquiring information; how they like their cup of tea or figuring out the perfect temperature for their morning shower– not because they did something that you basically force them to do. It’s not the constant reassurance of the spoken words, “I love you” (although that would have been good too). Love is not just a word that you can throw around to whoever. Love is a verb—something that you do, an action that requires physical determination to show your partner how much you appreciate them.

Sadly, Y/N wasn’t in the kind of relationship were equality fostered. And when he finally broke it off with her for good, Y/N wasn’t as stable as she had hoped she would be. She kept telling herself that she was strong; that she could make it without him but a part of her always beat her down for believing such impossible things. How could she ever live without someone that has been with her for so long?

—

Harry knew what he was getting into the moment they called it official. No matter how much she tried to convince him that her whole entity was his, he doubted her words. He recognized that her heart would never be his– at least, not right now, not anytime soon. The grief and trauma that she carried with her–her misery– made her who she was and Harry was so so proud of her for standing her ground. Needless to say, he felt a bit special that Y/N allowed him to get close to her during her vulnerable moments. He understood her thinking, wanted to be the best partner she’d ever had although she had no one else to compare him to.

Harry was determined to make her feel loved again; he was motivated to show her the ropes to love someone. He wanted to open up her heart to the endless possibilities of not being restricted by the limitations placed all around her. He desired for Y/N to be capable of making room for herself because as much as he wished for them not to have secrets between each other; self-care is the utmost achievement and he did not want to impose any threat to her reaching maximum self-love.

—

He was patient. He was kind. Harry was everything Y/N’s ex wasn’t and she was grateful for his presence in her life. Y/N appreciated his tolerance for her; her breakdowns and relentless hazy-eyed moments where she found herself reliving her past. Instead of degrading her like he did, Harry encouraged her to let the tears fall when they were so close to dribbling down her cheeks. He made her feel comfortable in times where she usually wouldn’t be. He stripped her down to the core until she was defenseless and instead of attacking her with hurtful words, he exposed himself, in the same way, to reciprocate her delicate action–for him, with him.

So that was why Y/N couldn’t comprehend the sinking feeling in her stomach, as if a weight had placed itself so snug deep within. She could discern a certain notion of guilt rising up in the form of bile while she aggressively stuffed her clothes in a duffel bag. They weren’t living together, but they might as well be with the number of things that somehow made it across roads from her place to his house.

Y/n shivered from a cold breeze as her palms continued to touch clothing items that now held meaning between her and Harry. How that thick, maroon sweater brought fluffy memories where he offered her his own coat as well. How the white Rolling Stones tee was almost ripped to non-existence because he loved wearing it so much– and she realized that this was his so why the hell was she taking it?

Why the hell is she taking his heart with her?

Y/N wasn’t stupid. She was well aware that between their short time together that Harry had fallen for her hard. She didn’t exactly know how or why or even when he decided that he would just shower her with an outpour of genuine emotions; he just did and she didn’t know what to do. Y/N liked to think that she knew herself better than anyone knew her and she recognized that a steel cage was imprisoning her heart from Harry.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to fall for Harry, love him to bits and forget about her ex. She was supposed to be with him. But somehow she couldn’t will herself to stick with the promises she mentally made. Her heart still longed for her jerk of an ex no matter how much she prayed and hoped for it to be nothing more than a remnant of her past. Thinking of him, of Aaron, brought butterflies in her stomach and a surge of dopamine spiking through her veins because although he struck her down to her darkest moments; he was the one that made her the happiest– much more joyful that she is with Harry.

It made her disgusted with herself for loving someone as toxic as Aaron was; why couldn’t she have stuck with the brighter future with Harry? Nonetheless, the heart wants what it wants and even it was a part of her, she had no grip on what it longed for.

—

Y/N wished that she was brisker than this. She was now regretting how she spent time reminiscing over every gentle memory she shared with Harry. A man that she demanded herself to be affectionate towards with little to no progress because then she wouldn’t have had to see his illuminated face– a wide grin spread from cheek to cheek and eyes lit up like the morning sun– fall to to a sullen, sunken expression of realization once he caught sight of her frozen like a deer in headlights with bags on hand.

Y/N wouldn’t have to hear the hitch in his throat from the withstanding tickle of a sob scratching at the back of his mouth; the pain and the damage she had caused from a single action.

Leaving–and Harry would be a mess.

His eyes still twinkled, though with salty water embedding itself from his tear ducts. His nose crinkled in a sniffle as he cleared his throat.

“W-where wh-what’s going on, Y/N?” He asked timidly and albeit in a stutter to draw out the time they had with each other because he *knows.

“I think you know,” Y/N admitted with a bite to her lip. She could feel her palms sweating through the rough material of the straps and she almost wanted to drop it on the floor and give him the biggest hug of comfort. “I’m sorry, H.”

Harry looked at her as a lone tear scraped itself by. His lips quivering in a loss for words–what was he to say? If she didn’t want to stay, he didn’t have a say on that. He swiped the wetness to his temple, wishing that his head didn’t hurt as much as his heart did because maybe then it would be more bearable to accept the fact that his Y/N was leaving him.

For what reasons, he wasn’t quite sure but he had an idea of what it might be. If he didn’t ask her reasoning, then he can conjure up another excuse to make himself feel better. He can say that it wasn’t the right time for them; that they were both too busy to make this the best thing to ever happen. Or maybe he can say that it just didn’t work out because they wanted different things.

But at this moment, as Harry stared her down in the eyes, he was given an answer that ripped his chest apart.

She was his one and only but she didn’t love him.

—–

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spacegaywritings · 4 years

Text

Warming Paws and melting Walls (4/8) “Little Talks”

General

Summary: Lunch break rolls around. Remy and Emile make a deal.

Tags: food, eating, employer/employee, pining, remy, emile, kitty Virgil, quick mention of bereavement, sick days, systematic issues, ew world, fish, feeding the beast, mutual crushes, genderqueer characters, migraines, headaches, pain mention, exhaustion.

My KoFi - Support me ♥ or Commission me

ao3: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 // all.

tumblr: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 (you are here!) / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8.

Story under the cut - Word count: almost 3k

Remy sighed and pushed his keyboard away, effectively managing to continue to press until the keyboard was unable to go any further since it hit the screen’s humble frame. Eventually, he just worked to drive himself away from the big desk he was working at. The swivel chair let him roll all over the floor, the tiled ground smooth and willing to let him pass without obstacle. Virgil commented his shenanigans with a little movement of their ear. It was just a quick flinch. Remy was not sure but he suspected it meant he was listening or registering noise at least.

It was cute.

But.

This bastard cat was sleeping.

The man sighed again.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, Queen, I swear-”

Well, no matter how threatening the fancy man tried to be, it did not reach the napping cat. The little void was all comfortable in his lap. There was not a single motion at his dramatic actions, not even a simple reaction. There was nothing but a bundle of black, so black that they camouflaged themself into the blackness of Remy’s pants. All that distinguished one from another was the slow movement of rising and falling.

Virgil was breathing alright. That was good.

Could cats have breathing problems? The vet said the cat was okay. Still, he made a mental note to look out for any signs.

Knowing they were okay for now - with a pass by the vet - Remy felt like he could breathe much better himself. He had not noticed it but he released a soft sigh of relief. His eyes lowered to just watch the little blob of colourless something rest on his thighs.

“I have lunch time, V, would you kindly get up and be awake and do cat things? You were awake all morning with me!”

Despite his complaints, Remy’s words were barely audible. The receptionist was more or less hissing to himself and it sounded like a small snake cursing the world somewhere from the little hidden corner on the other side of the room.

Far, far away.

His threats were as empty as his condescension. Nothing but attitude.

The kitten remained still and as much dopamine as there was being released within Remy, he could not help but wish to move...then again, the kitty cat was absolutely warm and the little weight on him was somewhat comforting in a refreshing manner.

He had already finished most of his work despite having been late this morning and even needing to deal with a certain storm of emails and phone calls. Not to forget the actual real life human people that encountered him face to face.

Ugh - the worst kind of people.

Oh fuck, he wanted more coffee. He wanted all the coffee he could ask for and then just nap for a few minutes and then get work done and go home and read some dumb romance novel.

Don’t judge.

He needed to get his prince charming from somewhere. It was not like Remy was dating anyone particularly... existing in the first place. And he just really craved some fucking love shit every now and then. You know, the soft trash with people holding hands and giving each other pet names and one bringing flowers for the others and that one thinking of a certain habit the one has so they are considering it in their regular activities.

Remy’s facial expression faded from soft into something akin to receiving news of a bad weather day when you planned on doing any outdoor-activities with friends.

It just ... it was missing.

“Ah! You are done?”

Remy flinched, his little dream world immediately breaking down as the voice cut through the silence of his new office. His fantasy bubble blobbed violently on impact of Emile’s intrusive words hitting him. He looked up. A person was standing there, apologising and knocking. Knocking after already standing in the doorway and having addressed him.

It was not a knight in shining armour to save a bored damsel in distress nor was it prince charming, ready to sweep the sleepy man off his feet.

It was just his boss, Emile.

...But it was his boss, Emile.

Remy smiled and let himself fall back into his chair. He had not noticed how he had sat up with the sudden noise interrupting his thoughts. And his arms were slung around a sleepy yet awake little Virgil. As always, his grip was rather loose around the kitten. In a case of need, he would be tehre to hold and hug them, though.

“Aw, I am sorry. I should have knocked before. Did I wake them up?”

Remy blinked and nodded. Virgil was not awake but he nodded anyway, just doing it for literally no reason. Emile saw the sleeping kitten but did not comment.They squinted for a moment, worry shading their features.

Was that just him or did it smell of food already?

Oh fuck, he had forgotten about the food. Bitch, this cat would literally make him forget and miss about everything and all. First his post-work nap, then his rave, his whole weekend, now his work and lunch break were affected, too.

“You got food? Come in, come in.”

This little void was easily eating away his whole life without any hesitation. He readily let him.. In his defence, they looked so cute when yawning. The charcoal demon was stretched out on Remy’s lap and pushed their tail against his chest, turning to Emile and meowing at the boss.

Did they seriously greet them? Literally, Remy could not- this cat!

Or maybe they meowed at the smell, it did kind of smell nice after all and the kitten had slept through his entire time here after he had gotten to work. Not even Virgil liked mornings or staying up. At least they could get back to napping, Remy jealously noticed.

“Virgil just woke up, what a coincidence”, Remy spoke, words jokingly snippy as he carefully picked up the kitten and stroked through their fur.

“Good morning little sleepy head.”

The kitten replied with a big orchestra of purrs and an eager bonk as they crashed their head against Remy’s. Little ferocious kitten attacking him.

“Emile, I promise they want to kill me!”

They laughed and held up a bag of food, slowly swinging it from one side to another.

“Maybe we can bribe them with some lunch? It’s on me, meet you in the lunch room.”

Remy carefully squeezed the kitten as his higher-up turned around to show their graceful behind, clothed in layers of pastels and beige. They looked the softest in the most boring yet also least boring way. It was weirdly hot, in a kinda cute and endearing way. Also, pastel colours just looked soft and somehow, they made it look professional but in a trustworthy and warm kind of way.

It made Remy feel fuzzy and he hated loving it so much. Damn them for being so wickedly attractive.

He swallowed his secret pining away and decided to get his kitten ready to follow Emile and get some food. Once he had his phone pocketed and his grip on Virgil secured, he was ready to walk after them. When they were close enough, he snuck over to the other side to handle whatever the heck Em wanted to talk about.

Knowing them, it was probably something nice and soft or extra work that would get paid for super well because Emile was about the most considerate employer he had ever met. Also, because Remy was working as an untrained accountant while receiving full pay for handling literally all this business. Emile only made the official calls. Remy did not mind it because he knew, they somewhat advocated for this stance that employees were actual human beings. This meant they had needs and therefore were to be valued and appreciated and given space and freedom, so they could be creative and work effectively with as little restrictions as possible.

Hence, Remy was allowed to hang up whatever kind of pictures and decorate his office in any kind of way. Well, nudity and such was not allowed, considering sometimes minors would enter the clinic as well, but other than that, Remy had challenged the therapist a lot.

They never let him down.

Also, they handled his amount of sick days without issues and allowed him to hand in more sick days than he legally had to accept. They easily brushed it off as half-work day or employer-covered vacation. You know, like the stuff you got when sick days counted but in that case, you did not have any and still got pay and zero threats. Or like, bereavement leave and all.

Emile and Remy got together and the former put out the meals and slid them into their respective places as Remy got some plates and cutlery. The lunch room was a small kitchen. It had the most essential things. Virgil was standing on Remy’s seat and lurked around. Their tail was showing despite the table stealing the view on them. Emile could see them and they saw the tail slowly swishing from one side to the other.

Hovering, waiting. Patiently. Like a predator.

Remy returned and put the plates down.

“Kitty, what the fuck are you doing”

Virgil meowed, eyes wide. Their tail stood upright with a little curl forming itself into its tip. This little void was living the life of luxury and decadence to just eat and be carried, then sleep and get woken up only to get some more food.

Remy was thriving on this attitude. What a luxury hoe. Such a Queen.

“Remy, I think your cat will eat with us”

His boss chuckled quietly and seated themself while Remy just sighed, rolling his eyes. By now, his head was hurting already. Not much but it was starting to hurt - moving hurt. It felt heavy and made him sleepy and exhausted.

Concentration was.. slightly off. Especially his sustained attention.

He carefully picked up his void and put them into his lap.

“Meow!”

“Yes, Virgil, yes. You will eat with us, just calm down.”

The kitten wiggled in his lap and put their paws on the edge of the table, looking at the hot sweating food containers.

“Virgil, behave. Come on, honey”, Remy warned.

Even his voice seemed heavy and tired. He missed his nap. In spite of this, he was being an attentive “temporary pet-keeper”. His hand moved to gently nudge the paws away from the table. Then, he picked them up to let the kitten dance dance dance a bit.

“I am a good kitty and I will wait”, Remy mimicked softly and moved the paws from one side to the other as Virgil patiently stood on their hind paws and stared at the world in confusion.

Emile giggled at the display while Virgil did not know what the heck was going on. Did their temporary owner go insane? They pulled out another chair on which they prepared a smaller bowl with a bit of fish in it. No seasoning or spice or anything. They had gotten it from a nearby store they had visited on the way to pick up the food order. After all, they had not been sure about whether or not Remy actually had brought some food for the kitten but apparently, this arrangement worked and Virgil’s interest was sparked.

They watched the bowl move from Emile’s hands over to the seat and once the bowl was settled, the kitten launched themself over to the chair and ducked their tiny raven head into the big bowl. Their whole head disappeared in it and only these dark ears peeked out from within.

Silent chewing noise could be heard.

“Remy! Remy! They eat the food I brought! Look at this kitten!”

The receptionist couldn’t deny himself the joy of a small smile as he looked over at the small bundle of darkness hunched over the food bowl and purring in delight. In addition to this, Emile was giggling, beaming in delight and genuinely touched.

Remy looked up at them. For a moment, their eyes locked but they both looked away, averting their gazes to look at Virgil instead.

It was rather silent for a moment, safe for the rhythmic vibrations coming from Virgil. Apparently they enjoyed their food.

“Hey, hey - careful now!”, he warned with a grin on his face.

He nudged his sunglasses off his head and let them slip down and onto his nose to cover his half-lidded eyes. They gleamed at Emile for a moment.

“If you keep that up, maybe you will be their new favourite human.”

Emile held their chest for a moment and settled opposite of Remy. Their cheeks seemed slightly reddened but they concealed it by tending to the food. They put some of the steamed vegetables onto their plate and added some fried rice. To top it all of, he had a bit of natural yoghurt from the fridge.

They returned the playful shine in Remy’s eyes by smirking at him.

“You say that as if this was a bad thing, Remy “

Remy snorted.

“You say this as if you were planning to take this poor little cat away from my horrid claws, Emile.”

Remy had finally arranged his food on his plate, steam curling upwards from his curry and rice. Even the food containers were still sweating and smoking in heat. They looked as if these containers acted like some sort of sauna. He fed himself a first spoonful of fried rice - the tiny brown one that looked like some holy glazed rice and so small it barely qualified as anything at all - and leaned into his seat.

Oh, this was just delightful.

Savoury flavour bloomed in his mouth, exploding in contrasts to the soft and squishy rice with the slightly harder vegetables. The different tastes stimulated his tongue just right.

If someone said foodgasms were a lie, they were missing out on this delight. It was the most subjective of all paradises.

“The thing I wanted to talk to you about-”, Emile started, taking a bit of time to drink something in between.

Talking all day made their throat as dry as a sand dessert.

“You can keep my office and let your cat come to work with you but I need to ask a little favour of you. I am sure you will want to agree! “

Remy shifted in his seat. He blinked for a moment but gave a small nod to indicate he was not just listening to probably on board for whatever Emile was planning to have him do. The therapist let their lips curl into a genuine smile.

“We need to give our new offices a makeover! I bet you would feel more comfortable in a novel set of four walls, huh?”

The receptionist’s cheeks darkened by a whole shade and his chest jumped for a minuscule moment. Just a little harder. He was sure it was visible and even the kitten raised their head to look at the two, staring into Emile before letting their gaze rest on their temporary owner.

However, they quickly lost interest and returned to chewing on their food.

“Well, that sounds amazing but I.. Virgil isn’t mine.”

Emile blinked and the kitten meowed, nudging back the bowl and retreating to Remy’s lap. He willingly picked up the void and brushed through their fur as always. The bowl was licked clean and absolutely blank. Apparently, the cat was more than just a bit into it.

It was silent once more. Even the cat did not purr despite the soft head scritches they got. Remy pursed their lips, a shadow hitting their face.

Their whole beauty was obstructed.

“See, their owners still might answer. I put up some signs and made a few posts on forums about missing pets. When I went to nearby shelters and called vets, I gave them a picture of Virgil and left my contact details around. They are not tattooed but they are too tame to be a wild cat.”

Remy shrugged, voice deflated as he continued. The narrowed their eyes at him. The idea of an unaffected Remy seemed unrealistic. The man was cuddling the cat and wanted to call in sick - while knowing about how scarce his sick days were.

“What if someone moved and accidentally left Virgil abandoned? Or they ran away during the chaos of moving?”

He sighed.

“You know, if nobody responds within a week, I think I will take you up on it. Until then I will just steal your office, honey.”

His low voice swung up at the end of his sentence and he even let a small smile grow on his lips. Anyway, it was time to pay attention to his food. It was so much better than to look at Emile’s doubtful face.

“You know what”, Emile countered, “I have the feeling Virgil will stay with you. Nobody responded in days and they are attached to you. It would be cruel to separate you know.”

They helped themself to a bit more vegetables.

“Just you wait, Remy.”

The receptionist smirked back at them.

“Whatever, honey~”

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crapitskizaru · 5 years

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Side Effects May Include: Devil Fruits Edition

🦖 Could I request some HCs on how devil fruits would affect the user’s sex lives? :o this is so vague but it’s so interesting to consider that I wanted to hear your opinions, haha

Warning: in-depth analysis of all the naturalistic filth that comes along in the topic of a human body and sexual encounters + freakishly long-ass post that includes most of the currently known devil fruits

Logia Types

Hie Hie no Mi (Kuzan)

❄️ since he’s such a chilly guy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), he’d certainly use his abilities to cool down the temperature of his body during any sexual encounter - Kuzan doesn’t really like all the heat and sweat that is produced during the steamy see what I did here? hilarious times in between him and his current lover

❄️ if his partner’s vagina is sore because of reasons varying from physical injuries to hardcore love-making, he’s the perfect guy to come up with a quick solution - a chilly, smooth dildo of his own making to ease out the pain pretty much torpedoes the problem

Goro Goro no Mi (Enel)

⚡️ this one’s a little tricky; since he can transform himself into pure electricity, he’d have to keep that in mind at all times, especially when reaching his climax - so that he wouldn’t electrocute his lover from too much excitement

⚡️ if he’s an extreme sucker for kinkplays, he could use the tiniest bit of his powers to either stimulate his partner or punish them for disobedience of any kind, provided they’re into it as well

⚡️ given that Enel can also use his skills to listen to the electrical sound waves in the air, he’d have an incredibly detailed perception of how his lover reacts to particular sex positions, angles of his thrusts and so on i honestly don’t know what to do with this information

Gasu Gasu no Mi (Caesar)

☁️ sex in the air?????

Magu Magu no Mi (Sakazuki)

🐶 this shit only serves him an inability to get too caught up in the moment, unless he wants this particular person to get burned alive during sex

🐶 so besides the obvious flaws, the only advantage I can think of is being able to serve as a human heater to his partner during particularly cold nights if only he would ever actually cuddle someone

Mera Mera no Mi (Acey & Saboo)

🔥 just as with Akainu, these bois will instantly heat up even their coldest partners - a lot of warmth and a lot of sweat-producing usually accompanies them during love-making sessions

🔥 might include the annoying issue of holes being burned right through their clothing whenever they get too fiery with the act - as well as the possibility of unintentionally starting a fire in the room

Moku Moku no Mi (Smoker)

🚬 I can easily imagine him using the ability of producing as much smoke as he fancies to blind his lover for maximized kinky submission experience

🚬 also, using the great speed with which all the smoke allows him to move in order to intensify the frequency of his thrusts - could it get any better?

Numa Numa no Mi (Caribou)

🛸 used for stabilizing his partner’s legs/waist/arms so that he can devote all of his attention towards pleasuring both of them, without having to worry about occupying his hands to hold them

🛸 also available for kinky use - all of that bondage gear could be replaced with those muddy serpents of his just perfect

🛸 provided he’s got a rather powerful dominance/daddy kink, Caribou could also create the bottomless swamps to trap his partner and make them beg for his cock

Pika Pika no Mi (Borsalino)

💥 reflecting himself into various positions to gain dominance? Heating his partner up? Providing enough room lighting? Sex at the speed of light? What?

Suna Suna no Mi (Crocodaddy)

🐊 trapping his lover in piles of quicksand for further teasing seems like a good enough idea to me - also, since he can crumble things to dust in literal seconds, stripping his partner down is never as quick as when it comes to this man

🐊 the ability to absorb any liquid makes cleaning up his cum from the drenched sheets a rather easy job that’s quite handy actually

Yami Yami no Mi (Blackbeard)

👺 the only use of this shit that I can think of is, again, blinding his partner and surrounding them with pure darkness, leaving them all hot and bothered in anticipation for his traitorous cock

👺 could also serve as a technique of pulling a person towards himself, like he did with Ace, but that’s just too scary to me, idk

Yuki Yuki no Mi (Monet)

💨 compressing her snow to different bondage gear, as well as cooling her partner down at particularly humid times - although I think it’d be hard for her to control the powers while being in a highly aroused state

Paramecia Types

Ato Ato no Mi (Jora)

🎨 courting her crushes with abstract art paintings, thank u very much

Awa Awa no Mi (Kalifa)

🛁 unlimited lube supplies

🛁 now that’s what I’m talking about

🛁 I can assure you, this woman would go all out with those bubbly powers - using it to turn her various kinks into reality

🛁 used for draining her partner’s energy to gain as much dominance over them as possible; also to clean up from all the bodily fluids that cover them after each round of sex

🛁 could come in handy to relax her partner and bring them floods of pleasure, often to the point of overstimulation

Baku Baku no Mi (Wapol)

🏰 no, I can’t do this

Bane Bane no Mi (Bell)

🛎 boing-boinging into his lover during sex??????

Bara Bara no Mi (Buggy D. Clown)

🤡 oh, this one’s good

🤡 this fruit allows him to use more dildos and plugs with his fingers than he could count on one hand - mainly because he’s got two im so funny

🤡 thrusting inside his partner and giving oral at the exact same time, because why not; the only requirement would be that his lover can’t get too grossed out by all of this dirty shit

Bari Bari no Mi (Bartolomeo)

💫 being able to make love to his partner against the barriers that he creates/creating surfaces to fuck on in places that no one sane enough would ever consider as suitable ones for having sex

Bata Bata no Mi (Galette)

😈 imagine how much fun this woman has in bed - being able to control and restrict anyone’s movements with those buttery thingies, she doesn’t even have to try much to be the dominant one in between the sheets

😈 also, consider this: butter-flavoured lube and unlimited + unbreakable flavoured condoms

Beri Beri no Mi (Very Good)

🍇 berry/sphere-shaped dildos??? incredible

Beta Beta no Mi (Trebol)

💧 if his partner has a vagina, he could control their discharge, as in the amount and its texture - what for, I have no idea

💧 he’d also be able to restrict his lover’s movements, as well as come up with new positions, since he can attach himself to any surface

💧 other use may be as a lube? although that’s pretty disgusting

Bisu Bisu no Mi (Cracker)

🍪 do you find yourself daydreaming about sweets when close to climaxing? Are you experiencing unexpected, overwhelming cravings during sex? Constantly hungry? Or simply bored with orgasms? Fear not! This man will supply you with floods of biscuits to munch on so that both of you will be pleasured

🍪 moving cookie dildos??

Doru Doru no Mi (Mr.3)

🕯 various bondage constructions made with wax?

Fuku Fuku no Mi (Kin’emon)

👙 imagine how many sets of lingerie this man would create for his partner to wear - a literal dream come true when it comes to this pervert

Fuwa Fuwa no Mi (Shiki)

🦁 advanced sex positions in the air/rotating his lover according to the man’s whims

Giro Giro no Mi (Violet)

🌹 this woman would bring her lover as much pleasure as possible while also making their deepest kinks and desires come true

🌹 she’s also able to read which positions are the most enjoyable for her partner and what they secretly think of her sex skills kinda scary if you ask me

Gura Gura no Mi (Whitebeard)

🌎 what may be possible when it comes to this fruit is creating the tiniest vibrations in order to stimulate different areas of a human body and bringing powerful orgasms, although that’s just too good to be true

Hana Hana no Mi (Robin-chwan)

🌷 giving oral and being able to grope her partner, both at the same time, seems like a pretty good use of this devil fruit

🌷 slight possibility of sprouting as many pair of legs as she fancies and ability to take theoretically unlimited partners at the same time?

Horu Horu no Mi (Ivankov)

👅 starting the love-making session while having a dick and ending it with a vagina? Why not?

👅 imagine how much Ivankov could arouse their partner by increasing their levels of dopamine/serotonin/testosterone/estrogen, according to their desires

Hoya Hoya no Mi (Charlotte Daifuku)

�� gains +1 spectator, if he’s an exhibitionist ;)

Kage Kage no Mi (Gekko Moria)

🕳 could have multiple partners, exclusively at his service?

Kilo Kilo no Mi (Miss Valentine)

🎀 would totally be able to pin her lover to the bed, preventing them from flipping on top of her - what an easy way to gain dominance, although she’d have to be extra careful not to crush them well

Kobu Kobu no Mi (Bello Betty<3)

🌌 her partner receives almost overwhelming waves of encouragement, whether in order to praise them or to push them to keep going - this woman certainly doesn’t take sex lightly

🌌 is able to turn even the most insecure lovers into confident sex-animals in the matter of seconds

Kuri Kuri no Mi (Charlotte Opera)

🍦 moisture! Lube! Food kink! Quick snack! Fluffy surface! Whatever you want!

Mane Mane no Mi (Bon Clay)

🦄 ever wished it was your crush instead of ą random hook-up? Problem solved indefinitely~

Mato Mato no Mi (Vander Decken)

🐍 he could try aiming dildos at his partner from afar? Why did I even think of this?

Memo Memo no Mi (Charlotte Pudding)

🎞 rewatching her and her partner’s favorite sex moments whenever she wants, almost like a portable(?), realistic porn movie

🎞 being able to erase all of the sexual encounters during which she either didn’t enjoy herself enough or performed badly and doesn’t want her lover to remember it terrifying

Mero Mero no Mi (Hancock)

🎇 keeps perverts at distance

Mochi Mochi no Mi (Charlotte Katakuri)

🍩 food kink

🍩 is able to restrain his lover’s movements so that they have to plead for his cock - good method whenever Mochi’s in a dominant mood~

🍩 food kink

🍩 it also allows him to create as much mochi as he desires in order to either lick it off of his partner’s body or make them lick him clean

Nagi Nagi no Mi (Rosie)

🍰 his lover can be as loud as they want - screams, pleads, moans and groans of pleasure - nothing will be audible outside of his sphere, which comes in handy when he just wants to have a quickie and Doffy’s in the room next to them

Netsu Netsu no Mi (Charlotte Oven)

🌡 hot dick

Nikyu Nikyu no Mi (Bartholomew Kuma)

🐾 useful when you never want to see your partner again

Ope Ope no Mi (Trafalgar the Fucking Law)

⛄️ now that’s the kinkiest shit

⛄️ just visualize all of the fucked up poses and positions he could slice his partner into, and then multiply it by Law’s level of sadism - great

⛄️ this man’s totally able to make his partner watch from afar as he plays and fucks their body the way he likes

⛄️ could he slice his dick off and use it as a dildo though?

Ori Ori no Mi (Hina)

⛓ brings hardcore bondage to a completely new level (:

Pero Pero no Mi (Charlotte Perospero)

🍭 what else if not creating lickable, candy dildos - and just like Mochi, he loves to lick his own candy from his lover’s body

🍭 also various candy creations to restrain his lover with

Wara Wara no Mi (Basil Hawkins)

🃏 cute little voodoo dolls to cuddle!

Ito Ito no Mi (Donquixote Doflamingo)

🍨 imagine how incredibly kinky this man can get with his powers

🍨 holding his partner in the air with those strings? Leaving small cuts all over their body, if they agree to that, edging and marking?

🍨 also using it as bondage gear and maximalyzing his Daddy authority/dom position, since his partner can’t even wriggle so that they won’t get cut

Bastard Bastard no Mi (Eustass Kid)

🔥 manipulating the restricting bondage gear/handcuffs/jewelry of his partner’s according to his whims and wishes

🔥 also knife play mastered to perfection?

Zoan Types

🦖 every furry’s heaven, thank u

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welcometothemusic · 4 years

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Shopping during Reopening

Shopping Experience During the Pandemic

Remember the times when shopping in stores, malls and grocery outlets were so simple and convenient? Going into your local grocer or retail outlet was a blissful, quick and an escape from the everyday lives of many. Shopping for guitars, music gear and used music stuff was my outlet. I would spend hours, literally hours, looking for the perfect tone of a guitar, amp and guitar shaping pedals. I would stop in to buy new guitar strings at my local Long and McQuade and end up trying random guitars, amps and pedals. Instead of buying my strings, I would end up playing my original music, and older originals I’ve performed with past bands, on brand new gear. Ah yes, the music store was a buffet of musical and social dopamine, derived from experience and conversation.

During that time, shopping was also a social event, where you can talk about life, music, gigs, past gigs and future endeavours with the music store staff. Learning new tone tips, gig recommendations, music venue reviews, the latest gear trends and balancing music with family life were my topics of choice. Watching more talented and technical musicians play in L & M was extremely motivational, as a guitarist always dreams to play better. Watching the elite guitarists, play the most complicated riffs with relative ease gave me the desire to woodshed as soon as I got home. The safety net of touching everything, talking with everyone and sitting in a store for hours was beautiful, as there were no concerns for catching anything with a potentially life-threatening virus.

Do you remember when the shopping experience felt safe, secure and stress relieving? Those days existed only a few months ago since the pandemic of 2020. Now, the shopping experience is a whole new animal. Preparation to leave the house, travel to the city, take extra precautions for safety and distancing is unpleasant, to say the least. For some, the new shopping experience turned into a danger zone, where threats of the virus lurk on every potential surface, within each potential person and attached to every item you bring home. Horrible, nonetheless. For others, the shopping experience remained the same, as they take little to no precautions, and/or live their lives as if there was no pandemic. Hats off to everyone, wherever they are in their opinion on this virus and how it reflects in their everyday lives. Things have certainly changed.

There is another grey area that I back burn, or pay less attention to, when it comes to everyday shopping experiences. A part of my life I rarely share online or with others, for the sake of the topic being “too negative”, “racializing” or because I’ve been told to “get over it” by others. The area I am referring to is shopping while Indigenous. Here in Canada, it is no secret that Indigenous People are discriminated against on a systemic level and personally within our day-to-day lives. The notion of Shopping While Indigenous dates back long before the Pandemic was thought to be a threat to humanity. We know that we have to be hyper aware of our surroundings when shopping in malls, stores or grocery stores for our own liability. For instance, when we walk into a store with a bag, backpack or an item in our hands, we better have a receipt or keep the items in plain sight of the store employees, just in case. This dates back to Western Times (1800s-1900s) when “Indians” were seen as “thieves”, “Savages” and “Heathens” by Non-Indigenous settlers. The mentality carried over into modern times, as we are still seen as thieves or less human than others. An example of discrimination against Indigenous customers, which happens more than it is reported, is when a Canadian Tire employee in Regina, Saskatchewan accused of stealing, without evidence or proof (CBC News). The Indigenous shopper was wrongfully kicked out of the store and later went public with his experience. Again, these are not isolated incidents and an appropriate age of the accused is not considered. For instance, a 7-year old Indigenous girl was accused of shop lifting a key chain and was forced to publicly empty her pockets (CTV News Winnipeg). These types of incidents, and many more, show that there is a bias towards Indigenous people while shopping in Canada.

In my own personal experience, I have been kicked out of malls for not having cash on my person; I have been kicked out of restaurants for complaining about a long hair in my food and told to pay for the meal; I have been followed by floor walkers in 80% of my shopping experiences, while Non-Indigenous shoppers are ignored by staff; I have had my shopping bags searched upon arrival and departure of a store in the past. Another factor to consider is, as an Indigenous person, the fear of the anti-theft devices wrongfully going off as you go through them are always present. Yes, lots of people can go through the anti-theft device and it wrongfully go off, which would be seen as not a big deal. Often, people are shoed through the door without a search or care. It has been my experience that the door greeter of the store will instantly come towards me, and or other Indigenous People and ask to see a receipt. This might be store protocol, but the manner in which the request of the receipt, or the searching of shopping cart/bags is done as if something was stolen. Don’t get me wrong, there has been times when I’ve got the “ok” to proceed through the machines, but the lingering feeling of needing to show a receipt to avoid an unnecessary police call is always present.

There is clearly a sense of cynicism coming from many front-line store staff, when it comes being an Indigenous shopper. Allow me to clarify that these bad apples do not represent the entire front-line service workers, nor am I saying that I believe this attitude exists with all store staff. I have been in many situations where I walk into a retail store, clothing store or a mall store and receive a forced smile, followed by a small “hello”. From there, I notice a non-Indigenous shopper walk in and that same worker greets them with a lit-up face, and a proper greeting, asking them if they needed anything. I agree, this could have been just a random moment where I caught the store worker at a bad time, so, I would keep a close ear to eliminate any bias I might have. The next non-Indigenous customer walks in, sure enough, they receive a warm greeting with a welcoming smile. In many cases, I would select my item and head for the till. The worker begins to bag my items and starts with the standard store script of “did you find everything ok?”. I would answer, “Yes, thank you”, and try to engage in awkward small talk. The store employee would then say thank you, with the same cynicism as when I entered the store. Normally I go about my day, and think nothing of the behaviour, as it already seemed normalized to me. However, I began to try a personal test of my potential bias with these encounters, by walking out slowly and browsing. Once another non-Indigenous shopper followed up to the till behind me, I clearly notice that they do not have that same cynicism with the other shoppers that they have had with me. I would leave the store and carry on with my life. This type of shopping experience happens a lot to me in such stores, but I never really voice my concerns to the manager or supervisor. Again, I do not want to give the impression that this experience happens to me all time at every store, as I have had amazing service from places that I now make part of my shopping routine.

Since the COVID 19 Pandemic, our malls reopened at minimal capacity. My partner and I wanted to experience shopping again, as three months of lockdown was really arduous on us. We walked into two separate hot-spot shopping malls in Regina, Saskatchewan. What a strange difference. The malls were empty with very few people browsing and shopping. The earie sense of abandonment filled the entire building, as if many retailers made a “midnight move”, leaving empty shells. We would walk by abandoned restaurants and store buildings and take a peek inside the dark, vacant shells. Memories flood in of a time when those stores were filled with people, energy and life. Now, empty.

On a positive note, the attitude and environment has changed to a completely new atmosphere. Since the pandemic caused so much unfortunate hardship on businesses, the stores seem to give a more welcoming feel to their environment. When we shop in stores that normally ignore us as customers, we are greeted much like a person stranded on an island for months had finally seen civilization for the first time. This is new for me. Most big label stores wouldn’t look twice at me, as if they knew that I didn’t have money or planned to browse and leave (in most cases I couldn’t afford to shop there to being with). Now, I am treated like a valued customer. I feel as if my dollar counts and my presence is appreciated as a customer. The experience is so foreign to me, that I began to buy items I would never think to buy, because I actually now feel like a valued customer. I am very impressed with the attention to safety and concern for the well-being of their customers.

Overall, our experience in the malls are different in a great way. If there is one thing that this pandemic has taught me, it is the value of people and how important they are to us, especially front line workers. Even though I had a sour taste in my mouth for shopping in the past, I am thankful to the front-line staff for their bravery to be at work everyday, throughout these trying times. I have a whole new respect for the front-line staff at these stores. The same kind of respect I would direct towards our military and veterans. I no longer test my and the store workers’ biases while shopping. I admire their bravery and wonder if they are as frightened to be out in public as I am, because of COVID. I reflect on the fact that they have to be there 8-12 hours a day, constantly serving people, putting their lives at risk, to sell products for a store that may not offer danger pay. I then wonder how they feel when they get home after a shift. I wonder if they have a decontamination routine like I do. They cross my mind from time to time and I hope and pray that they and their families are safe. Hats off to all of you workers. Ekosi

References

Agahi, E (2016) CTV News: Security company apologizes to 7-year-old after false shoplifting accusations. Web. Date Accessed: June 24, 2020. Accessed from: https://winnipeg.ctvnews.ca/security-company-apologizes-to-7-year-old-after-false-shoplifting-accusations-1.3221543

Cowan, M (2017) CBC News: Canadian Tire apologizes after Indigenous customer thrown out of Regina store: 'If we were white and walked into the store, this would not have happened,' says Indigenous man. Web. Date Accessed: June 24, 2020. Accessed From: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/confrontation-canadian-tire-regina-1.4224714

#shopping #music #pandemic #malls #stores #essential #new normal #sask covid #covid shopping #indigenous

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foxwatchesanime · 4 years

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How I stopped caring about comments: A rambly post by me

This is rambly so hold onto your seats, I apologies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about comment/review culture in the last few months, particularly after returning to a brand new fandom as a writer and regular content creator. Maybe this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, maybe not, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the way I perceive comments, how it’s changed for me since I’ve been in fandom and I’d love to hear from other people what their opinion is and how they relate to comments on their work.

I’ve been creating content in fandom spaces for about eleven years now. I started out on YouTube when I joined my first fandom, Merlin, and I made my first fanvideos in 2009. In December of 2009, I published my first fanfiction, plus one sequel which remains unfinished as well as a few other smaller projects. In October of 2010, I published my first podfic and would go on to publish two more. My focus in fandom had always been YouTube, where I regularly created fanvideos. My schedule was never consistent, as with most vidders back in the day, but I’d be comfortable in saying I posted regularly discounting three unintentional hiatuses, one in 2013 following the Merlin finale, one in 2015 probably due to a lack of inspiration and one in 2017 after what I was sure was going to be my permanent comeback to YouTube, only for my hard drive to break and delete all my footage yeeeeeey.

I’ve now made an actual, official return to my original platform, this time creating videos for my new passion and fandom: anime. Since February of 2020 I’ve also been regularly publishing fic and have no desire to stop doing so. I’m thoroughly invested in new fandom spaces again and am engaging with its fans and the content.

But the one thing I have seen change drastically in my approach to things is commenting, following and general engagement.

Let’s take a step back.

When I first started posting content, comments were not something I even had in my consciousness. I think I knew YouTube comments existed, but I didn’t really pay attention to it. I didn’t even know what subscribers were until I started hearing other people talk about them and then I suddenly felt like it’s something I should be keeping an eye on myself.

In a centuries old vlog of mine that is now private on my channel, I noticed that when I hit 100 subscribers, I made a video thanking everyone because I was so excited that with more subscribers, I was going to “make more friends.” Oh dear xD

But the truth is, I have been consistently and chronically bad at keeping up with or caring about the analytics of my various platforms. It wasn’t till writing this post today that I went to check my FF.net account to see how many comments my first two Merlin fics ever got. I still couldn’t tell you my exact number of YouTube or Ao3 subscribers, how many hits or kudos my fic have and I don’t think I’ve ever checked my bookmarks for notes, or whatever you’re able to leave on there.

Commenting culture on YouTube, for all my joking earlier, was primarily about connection, at least back then. Most of the old guard have moved on and those who have remained are now vidding in other fandoms. The social aspect of YouTube in my opinion has changed dramatically since I was at my peak output on there, but I remember how interactive the comments sections used to be. They literally were, where you made friends.

A couple of years ago, me and a friend of mine started a Merlin podcast called Merlisten. We created it for fun and without many expectations of what might come out of it. And it was this that changed my relationship with commenting for good.

Doing Merlisten felt, for the first time in a long time, like pure creativity and passion without anyone’s permission. We always encouraged people to leave feedback as one does, but I don’t think either of us expected to get much, if any. Even considering the incredible support we’ve received with feedback coming in almost every single episode now, there is still a clear and overwhelming gap between the amount of comments given to an episode of Merlisten, to one of my old fanvids or fics. It’s even more interesting when one considers how much more effort and time went into creating Merlisten compared to say, editing or writing, at least for me personally. The amount of man hours spent on creating one 2.5 hour episode from pre-production to final posting often outweighs any other video or chapter I’ve created. Not always, but often.

What struck me as interesting, however, was that even though comments weren’t always consistent and I always love and continue to love reading them, it’s not what was fuelling me to work hard on this project. I was doing it because I adored it and I knew it was something I was proud to put into the world.

And that literally changed everything.

I think for a long time, I was always trying to cater my art to what might get the most attention or please the widest demographic of people. It’s how you think when you’re young and you don’t know any better. But for the first time, I was creating something on my own terms that I had no idea if anyone would even listen to and the actual creative process of making said art was ten times more rewarding than any single comment I could ever read. Which really, what I realised, is what art is supposed to be. I can safely say that if Merlisten didn’t get a single comment from here on in, I would still want to see it to its conclusion for one very simple reason: Because I had something to share.

This brings me to my recent return to writing fic in fandom and it’s not a decision I’ve regretted for a second. More than anything, I’ve realised how personal art can really be, especially when it’s in writing. I’ve found it revealing and cathartic and fascinating in a way that I didn’t ever imagine.

But more importantly, I’ve realised that the real beauty for me in engaging in art is the ability to get an emotional response from it or to relate to it. And that goes for both other people’s work and my own. I can feel just as invested in my own work as someone else’s and that’s not because I think my work is amazing, it’s because I know it’s come from something that was living in me. When I put something out there that I made with my own two hands, that feeling now trumps any sort of feedback I could possibly get and that’s the endorphin I live off.

Don’t mistake this for me not liking comments, that’s obviously not true. My brain gets the same dopamine hit as anyone’s when I get a notification for something or other, but I’ve realised that I have a very specific relationship with comments that I definitely didn’t have before, if my requests for review on FF.net is anything to go by.

Now, what I find exciting and thrilling is the thought that, if writing this fic got this sort of emotional response out of me, the writer, I wonder if there are other people out there who think the same way I do? Who have a similar way of experiencing joy or suffering or humour or who like the same things as me? That, is an insanely invigorating feeling. And then when someone chooses to take time out of their day to tell you that what came from your head is the same sort of way they feel about life? That’s not a comment, that’s not feedback, that’s a connection you have with another person. And that’s where I start to get excited. And it’s taken me this fucking long to realise it.

Honestly, I was really worried upon returning to writing and vidding this year that my experience working in digital marketing, where everything is about numbers and social media is all about engagement and nothing else, that I would be overwhelmed and not be able to switch off the part of my brain that’s been trained to think like that. I’m so relieved that that’s not the case.

As previously mentioned, I suck at giving a shit about analytics and looking at my own stats. I couldn’t give a flying fuck. But I did just go and check my YouTube videos since returning back to vidding. Not a single one of them has views over 200 at this point. Most have less than 100. My most viewed video on YouTube has 57,000 views. And the thing is, there might have been a time when I looked at that and thought, well, this means I suck. This means I can’t make art. This means there’s no point to it.

But no, that's not true.

The point is not how many people see it, how many people like it, how many people comment on it. The point is that I made it. I’m going to continue making YouTube videos despite the fact that the algorithm will destroy any chances they have at getting engagement or views. Even if not one single person comments on them. Because when I’ve finally rendered a new video, or finished proof reading a new chapter, I feel so fucking happy that everything else is just window dressing to me now.

Because not only is online engagement and following such a stab in the dark these days anyway with algorithms changing and trends moving constantly, but this is the real truth about comments, following and feedback:

The truth is, I don’t need a stranger on the internet to praise me so that I can feel good about my art. The day that I start doing that, I’ve already lost. I used to think that way on a regular basis. Guess what, it didn’t make me produce better art. It didn’t make my life better. Because being validated by others never does. It doesn’t matter how many keysmashes I might get or how many sonnets or kind words, because If I don’t like what I create, there isn’t a single human being on the planet who will make me like it, no matter what they say or how they say it. For others, this might not be the case. But this is my reality.

I know this, because I recently speed-wrote and published a fic for a fanweek. I wrote 13k in about 8hrs. So far, it’s received nothing but positive words. But it doesn’t matter. After I published it, I had a crisis about how it wasn’t good enough, that there should have been an extra arc, that it ended too quickly, that there wasn’t a climax. Even as the comments came in, it didn’t change my mind. Because other people’s comments will never really lead to fulfilment.

I want you all to know that I get emotional over every single comment that is sent to me. Every personal story, ever keysmash and heartfelt thoughtful message that took the time to analyse my work. Connecting with you guys has been one of the biggest joys of entering this fandom. But it’s not going to be what fuels me to create and to carry on doing the best work I can. All I can do is treat it as the wonderful privilege that it is, and not any part of the reason I do it.

In conclusion:

Finally, at age 27 and in the midst of enjoying fandom after a very long period of being either meh about it or lurking, I finally feel content with the fact that I want to create in order to put things out into the world that I worked hard on, that I’m passionate about and that hopefully, in whatever way it might be, it might have touched someone who feels the same things too. It makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel like I might be contributing something small to the world and it makes me feel like maybe one other person was made happy by it. And even if they never tell me that and if no one else ever comments on what I create, or even if they comment on it in spaces that I never see; private servers, chats between friends or blogs that I don’t follow, that’s also fine. Because there’s always at least one person who is going to feel happy that she made something. And that’s me.

The short version: I never used to care about comments, then I did, and now I no longer do.

Sorry for the ramble, but I wanted this here for myself to look back upon in case my opinion ever changes on this or I ever start to lose my way again and feel overwhelmed. I’d love to hear your guys’ experiences with this sort of thing and whether you’ve ever felt bogged down by the need for feedback.

#writing #fandom #vidding #essay #personal

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talesofasufferingwitch · 5 years

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Cigarettes and Nicotine

Cigarettes get a lot of attention in the ED community, especially on Tumblr. What I see, and I am sure a lot of you can agree, is that everyone is either one way or the other. “CIGARETTES FOR APPETITE SUPRESSANTS” and then there’s the typical “CIGARETTES ARE HORRIBLE PRETTY GIRLS DON’T SMOKE”. This post, I wanted it to be analytical, so people can see the facts and maybe be inspired to do their own research before making that decision. Personally, I do smoke cigarettes. Pros: There are a few I can list. Cigarettes are not only appetite suppressants, but they also block the calorie absorption if you have a cigarette after a meal. It reduces the amount of fats and carbs that are absorbed by the body. There is a feeling of bonding that happens when you smoke cigarettes. Whether it be at work or at school, there is an unspoken relationship between smokers. You make a friend anywhere, and usually, they are really fucking cool people. Smoking, oddly enough, can ward off Ulcerative Colitis. Stephen Hanauer, an IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease) specialist out of San Francisco, says that when his patients who are former smokers with ulcerative colitis relapse into their tobacco addictions, they are often rewarded with relief from their symptoms. This is because of the nicotine inside of the cigarette, the addictive substance. Nicotine itself also benefits Crohn’s patients, however, the smoke from the other chemicals in the cigarette exacerbates the illness. We are still unsure why. Studies have observed that the more people smoke, the less likely they are to develop Parkinson’s disease. By observing the medical records of 300,000 veterans, it is noted that smokers who served in the US military between 1917 and 1940 were three-times less likely than non-smokers to have later died of Parkinson’s, even though they were over ten-times more likely to have died of lung cancer or emphysema. In this case, dopamine producing neurons in the midbrain usually degenerate and die, but the nicotine appears to protect these neurons. There are clinical trials underway using nicotine to treat Parkinson’s. Nicotine does improve certain aspects of human cognition and it is being explored.

Cons: While cigarettes are an appetite suppressant and do aid in weight loss, you should know that quitting comes at a cost. For every cigarette craving you had, once you quit, your cravings will usually turn to food. People gain an average of 10lbs (4.5kg) after they quit smoking, however, not smoking is one of the best things you can do for your health. And while cigarette smoking is associated with lower body weights, it depends on the amounts. In a study done of hundreds of thousands of US citizens, those who smoke 40+ cigarettes a day are strongly associated with being obese. Lighter cigarette smoking (2-5 per day) was strongly associated with lower body weight. Moreover, younger smokers do not appear to benefit from the general association of smoking and lower body weights, it is mostly the older generations. Smoking is linked to developing Alzheimers and dementia later in life. The smoke from the cigarette not only damage the lungs and heart, but also the blood vessels and neurons in the brain. Smokers are hospitalized for heart attacks eleven years earlier than non smokers, and are more at risk to die from said heart attack instantly. Then there is the obvious: lung cancer, bladder cancer, cancer. You feel out of breath all the time, smokers cough is absolutely disgusting, and overall you feel sluggish and disgusting after having a few (yes, even me, the smoker). Smoking also kills 440,000 people in the US alone, and it is preventable.

Alternatives: To those wanting to quit, there is the obvious patch, etc. But what if you just… want the rush? Want to stop smoking but get the benefits that you did receive while smoking. There are herbal cigarettes that contain clove that is really good if you like the feeling of going out to smoke, and that sense of community. However, they still are 70% tobacco and produce the cancer-causing tar that everyone fears. If there was a true alterative to smoking cigarettes, we wouldn’t have such an industry devoted to helping people quit. Some people swear by hypnosis, others swear by acupuncture. I just say, smoke weed, or don’t start smoking at all.

Healthier ways to get the benefits: At this point, there really are none. Nicotine stimulates the pleasure response in the brain. So, do things that promote that. Go for a run, pet your dog, smell your loved ones sweater. This is why so many people gain weight, they eat. That in itself produces a pleasure response.

Fun facts about cigarettes: Smoking a cigarette directly after smoking weed diminishes the amount of neurological damage from the weed itself. Cognitive function is improved in most cases. Cigarettes were promoted to pregnant women to prevent them gaining more weight than necessary, and guarantee a lower birth weight and “easier labour”.

Eventually we may have a nicotine extract in itself to help with smokers and their addictions that is more effective than the patch. However, there is no reason not to be educated about the risks of smoking cigarettes. We live in the age of information, go use google if you’re considering starting smoking. My suggestion is don’t.

Your friendly neighbourhood witch,

#cigarettes #tobacco #smoking #health

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hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 5 years

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“What gets measured gets managed.” Peter Drucker

I am a firm believer in Peter Drucker’s management principle. Anyone that has ever kept a financial spending log or food log knows that they changed their spending or eating behavior when they created a record of the activity. We naturally start making better decisions and identifying patterns in our behavior. Monitoring an activity forces, us to pay more attention to it. We naturally start making better choices because we can’t ignore our bad ones. If we aren’t mindful of our choices, we will unconsciously fall into habitual patterns of behavior. The concept is so simple yet potent, I am amazed at how many people don’t use this principle to improve their personal or professional performance.

I think a simple notepad is a self-improvement powerhouse. It is one of the most powerful self-improvement tools in existence; when it is used to record an activity. Logging an activity creates greater awareness. Awareness is the first step in changing our behavior. When we record an activity, it forces us to become more mindful of our decisions, big and small. Often it is the small, seemingly insignificant decisions that are sabotaging us.

Eating that cookie in the breakroom, losing valuable time by allowing yourself to become distracted, skipping a workout, or staying up late watching TV instead of getting a good night’s sleep. Anyone of these decisions by themselves isn’t devastating, but their accumulative effects are.

Whatever it is you want to improve, your time management, your leadership, your relationships, your business, your eating patterns, your exercise consistency, or your spending, you must track it. Be relentless. Track everything related to the behavior you want to improve. Awareness is the first step toward transformation.

Bad habits are the result of cognitive neglect and mindless actions. The danger of bad habits is that we aren’t really involved in the decision-making process. We encounter the cue, and we begin to execute the routine, our conscious mind essentially goes to sleep until we receive the reward which reinforces the behavior. When we fall prey to bad habits, our mind is essentially operating at the level of the animals. One of our greatest gifts as human beings is our ability to connect what we are doing in the present to the results it will produce in the future. Our ability to value future rewards as much as immediate rewards will determine how much we will accomplish in our lifetime.

Harvard social psychologist Daniel Gilbert says “What’s so curious about human beings is that we can look deeply into the future, foresee disaster, and still do nothing in the present to stop it. The majority of people on this planet are overwhelmed with concerns about their immediate well being.” He says that most of us have a hard time relating to our future self. We treat our future selves like a stranger, so when we are given a choice that will benefit our future self or present self, we have an overwhelming bias to take care of our immediate needs. You might not think this applies to you, in that case, he would tell you, “If you are like most people, then like most people, you don’t know you’re like most people.”

The more we discount future rewards, the more likely we are to act impulsively and develop bad habits; because bad habits always produce immediate gratification, while productive habits rarely do. The reason the “Marshmallow Test” was so predictive of the future behavior of the study’s participants in the decades that followed is that it provided a direct measurement of the child’s ability to delay gratification.

Our ability to value future rewards as much as immediate ones will determine if we are going to invest in our future or squander it with impulsive actions. The future is either purchased by the present or stolen by it. Bad habits are thieves that rob us of our future one day at a time. The only way we can protect our future is by replacing bad habits with good habits. It is simple, but it isn’t easy. It requires diligence and effort. Progress is always intentional.

Our original reward system was based on food. Food wasn’t always available, like it is now, so our dopamine system was wired to seek immediate gratification. When our body senses a drop in blood sugar levels, a potentially life-threatening condition, our dopamine system is activated, and our desire to eat is palpable. This triggering mechanism is why small frequent meals, high in protein and slow digesting carbohydrates can significantly reduce cravings by keeping blood sugar levels stable.

Once our dopamine system is activated, any food could restore our blood sugar levels, but our primitive brain has been conditioned to seek high sugar foods since they will produce the most immediate rise in blood sugar levels. A failure to plan and have healthy snack options available, like an apple, will leave you susceptible to whatever junk food someone brought into the office. Instead of satisfying your craving with a nutritious 60-calorie apple, you end up eating an unhealthy 400-calorie donut, kolache, breakfast burrito, or cookie.

We didn’t begin cultivating crops and planning for the future until our newer prefrontal cortex was developed. It is our prefrontal cortex that is responsible for human beings ability to think of the future in a meaningful way. Before it’s development, any reward that was more than a few minutes away, wasn’t a consideration. As you have learned, our Elephant, which is driven to seek immediate gratification is able to easily overpower the Rider when the Rider has not prepared the Path or is uncertain what direction to lead the Elephant.

The smaller Rider cannot hope to overcome the two-ton Elephant through brute force and willpower, but he can steer the Elephant away from the temptation through preparation. He can shape the Path by removing temptations, when possible, having healthy snacks available always, and using future discounting to his advantage.

Our primitive rewards system treats any reward that is 10-minutes away like a future reward. Instead of our Rider telling our Elephant “No, you cannot have it” which would cause our mind to focus on the reward until our willpower is drained to exhaustion, in a phenomenon clinical psychologist call ironic rebound. Ironic rebound theory explains why our mind tends to focus on any thought we try to push away.

It is much easier and more effective to tell our Elephant, “Ok, you can have it, but you have to wait for 10-minutes.” This technique avoids our mind’s tendency to focus on the reward and cools our desires by making the reward feel like a future reward instead of an immediate one. Chances are in 10-minutes you will no longer feel the impulse.[i] Even if you do, you have still strengthened your willpower by overcoming the immediate temptation. Over time, this technique will significantly reduce the number and severity of your willpower lapses. Remember not to be overly critical of yourself when you give in to temptation because it will lead to stress eating. When we are struggling to overcome a bad habit and beat ourselves up about a willpower failure, our stressed-out mind will seek immediate relief, often from the very behavior, we are trying to curb. It isn’t logical, but it is all too human. Emotions can easily overcome reason.

Awareness prevents us from mindlessly falling into bad habits. The problem with most bad habits is that their negative consequences aren’t immediate. If you took one bite from a cookie and immediately gained 5-pounds, you wouldn’t take another bite. If you took one puff from a cigarette and instantly experienced health problems, you would put it down, but of course, these bad habits only produce immediate pleasure without any immediate consequences. If we aren’t mindful of their long-term cumulative effects, it is easy to convince ourselves it is just one cookie, one cigarette.

The self-deceit is especially insidious because there is a basis of truth and logic to the argument. One isolated indiscretion is negligible, it is what we do habitually that matters, but of course, in this case, the behavior is a bad habit, so it does matter. Gretchen Rubin, calls this excuse “the one-coin loophole.” In Erasmus’s Praise of Folly, the argument of the growing heap is made, “If ten coins are not enough to make a man rich, what if you add one coin? What if you add another? Finally, you will have to say that no one can be rich unless one coin can make him so.” What is implied is that while a single coin cannot make one rich, the accumulation of many coins is the only way to become rich.[ii]

Our actions are like the coins in Erasmus’s essay. One visit to the gym or sticking to our meal plan for a single day is inconsequential to our health, but the habit of going to the gym and controlling our food intake is invaluable. I’ll start logging my food intake tomorrow. It’s Sarah’s birthday, I’ll enjoy a piece of cake and start recording my food again next week. It’s just one workout. A year from now, what I did today won’t matter. It’s only one piece of cake. One beer won’t make a difference. Why work on that report today, when the deadline is three weeks away?

People enjoy using the one-coin excuse so often on themselves, that they will use it on other people. Numerous times people have told me that I could skip my lunch hour workout or eat a cookie in the breakroom. They are correct. I could skip the gym or eat the cookie, but I know that it is the habit of going to the gym and resisting the cookie that is important to my health and happiness. Nothing tastes better than looking lean and feeling strong. When you develop the exercise habit, it becomes a positive addiction. I hate missing a workout. I do skip the gym occasionally to bond with colleagues over lunch, but I usually plan ahead by exercising in the morning. I have noticed that I am always dragging in the afternoon when I miss a workout. Regular exercise is addictive because it makes you feel fantastic; improving your mood, focus, and energy.

Every day we are given the gift of choice. Each day our habits can create the future we want, or rob us of it. The only constant in life is change. Habits determine our direction. We can choose to embrace good habits that move us steadily toward our goals, or bad habits that take us further and further off course. The choice is usually between instant gratification and future accomplishment. When we develop good habits, time is our friend, but when we allow bad habits to persist, time works against us. “You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.” Jim Rohn We are who we are and where we are because of our past decisions and habits. If we want to improve our circumstances, we must improve the quality of our decisions and habits.

If you really want to change a behavior track it for at least a week. A month would be even better. As you have already learned, it takes approximately 66-days on average to make a new habit sustainable, not the 21-days that most were taught. Habit formation timelines vary depending on how difficult the behavior is perceived to be by the individual. The more difficult the action, the longer the habit takes to form. Making improvements in any area requires measurement, but you must measure the right metrics.

Many people make the mistake of only measuring their desired outcome when attempting to achieve a goal. The other common mistake is not to set a deadline. Effective leaders set stretch goals for their organization that need to be reached within a specified time frame. A goal needs to have a deadline. A deadline helps create a sense of urgency. Deadlines help establish priorities and prevent procrastination. After setting goals, they look at lead and lag indicators. Lead indicators are daily actions we can take to achieve our long-term goal, measured by lag indicators. For example, generating sales leads might be a lead indicator, while the lag indicator would be an increase in sales revenue. Fat loss lead indicators are your daily caloric intake and total daily protein intake. The lag indicators are your weekly body weight averages and average body fat percentages. If you want to achieve a goal, your progress must be measurable.

“If you want it, measure it. If you can’t measure it, forget it.” Peter Drucker

Everything and anything you want to improve must be measurable. You might think some things can’t be measured, like building employee loyalty, but I would argue it can. If a leader wants to build loyalty in their organization, they could decide that twice a week they are going to visit two employees whose managers say they have been doing a great job and paying them a compliment for their excellent work. She could then inquire as to how they are doing and ask if there are any resources they need, including training, to help them be even more effective. Tracking her consistency would be the lead indicators, and quarterly feedback from culture surveys would be the lag indicator. Loyalty is a two-way street. Showing employees that the leadership values their contribution, and is committed to their professional development is how you earn loyalty.

If you want employees to care about the company, the company leadership has to show they care about the employees. Companies like Kimberly Clark inspire strong employee loyalty by coming up with imaginative ways of avoiding layoffs during times of declining revenue. In one instance, they were able to convince 80 of 100 production workers to change roles so they could avoid laying them off. These employees became marketers that added millions of dollars to the company’s annual sales.[iii] Companies that inspire loyalty from their employees enjoy less employee turnover which leads to a better trained, more productive workforce. I don’t want to stray too far from the topic of getting in shape, I just wanted to demonstrate that almost anything can be measured and that anything that can be measured can be improved.

Whatever you want to change or improve you must find a way to measure your progress. You simply need to find an impactful activity you can do each day, a lead indicator and track your consistency. Next, find a way to measure the impact it is having, the lag indicator. More often than not, these small daily activities will take time to produce results; but if you selected impactful daily activities and executed them consistently, they will produce outstanding results. That is the power of compounding effort. Small efforts repeated can create miracles. “Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence.” Ovid

Success is a numbers game. Consistency is the key. If you want to become more consistent at doing something, you must track it. Tracking your consistency will cause you to become more consistent. Simple, but how many people actually keep track of their consistency. When I want to adopt a new behavior like performing 30-minutes of professional reading each day, I track it. I keep a simple scorecard on my desk to register how many times each month I complete the task. I only take a minute each day to score my day based on my goals, but the impact is profound.

I can look at the scorecard and immediately see which behaviors I am doing well at adopting and which ones need improvement. Not tracking your performance is like playing a game without keeping score. I know that some people do this so they can protect their little snowflakes from life’s disappointments as long as possible, but I am not a fan of this codling. Life has winners and losers, and kids need to know how they are performing. Life keeps score. The sooner they learn that, the better. You need to keep score as well. You need to know how you are doing. You need to see if you’re making progress or neglecting to make progress. I use the word neglect intentionally. Being consistent requires diligence. When people say; I would do it if I had more time. I tell them to forget it. There isn’t any more time.

We all get 24-hours each day. When the clock hits midnight that wraps it up. I don’t care who you are, a billionaire or a beggar, we all get 24-hours each day to do what is meaningful to us. Today is your life in miniature. What you consistently do is what makes you who you are. What you do consistently will determine where you will be, 3-months from now, 3-years from now. If you don’t make time to do the things that are necessary to get better, then you just aren’t going to get better.

We make time for our priorities; we make excuses for everything else. You need to know where you are succeeding and where you need to improve. If you want to improve your running, keep track of your performance and set goals to reduce your time covering a fixed distance. Simple, but how many people go running each day without keeping track of their average time covering their route?

If you want a new salesperson to make, 10 sales calls a week, on Friday you should invite him into your office and ask, “So how many calls did you make?” When he begins to provide an explanation, you gently explain that that will not fit in your box. You need a number. That number will tell you everything you need to know. His work ethic, his attitude, his drive, his ambition, and what you can expect from him in the future. If for example, he made twenty calls, you have made an excellent hiring decision, but if he only made three calls, well, you’ll need to have a little talk and see what you can do to motivate him to do better. In most cases, workers will improve their performance because they know it is being tracked by management.

Goals must be measurable so you can gauge your progress toward them. Your progress must be so simple that anyone could look at where you are and determine if you are making progress. Your progress has to be calculable. If you can’t measure your progress toward a goal forget it. Consistency is easy to measure. There are apps available that can help you form new habits. Strides, Streaks, Fabulous, and Toodledo, are just a few of the habit-forming apps available. The Strides app is particularly useful at developing new habits because it allows you to program action triggers. You can schedule multiple reminders for each task, and the app tracks your consistency.

We must master consistency. The one trait every successful person, business, or organization has in common is consistency. A restaurant that is hit or miss with the quality of food it serves will be out of business soon and rightfully so. It isn’t what you occasionally do that matters; it is what you do consistently that will make you better. You are what you repeatedly do. Positive actions, repeated every day produce massive results over time. The smallest, seemingly insignificant actions repeated out of habit will produce profound results when given enough time. That is the positive side of disciplined consistency. The negative is also true. Small seemingly unimportant neglects, over time, create a crisis. One bad decision doesn’t normally cause a Bankruptcies. It is typically the result of many bad decisions repeated for months and years. Divorce is usually the result of months and years of neglect as well. The decision to divorce might be triggered by one event, but it is all the small neglects over time that leads to the dissolution of the marriage. Relationships require effort. Probably the best book on the topic is Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, which has sold over five million copies. Often the couples in his book were able to transform their relationships by learning their spouses love language and developing the habit of expressing love to their partner a couple of times a week. In a matter of weeks they can refill their spouses “love tank;” not with a single grand gesture, but with small seemingly inconsequential acts of affection consistently repeated. These seemingly small gestures produced remarkable results in marriages that were on the brink of divorce. Small doesn’t remain small when it accumulates.

Snowflakes accumulate to form colossal valley glaciers. As a child, Warren Buffet observed that when you rolled a snowball, it grew. He applied this metaphor to money. He saw a dollar today as being worth $10 in the future due to the compounding effect of interest over time. He used this philosophy to avoid wasteful spending in his youth. His unique perspective on money is one reason he was able to accumulate so much wealth. When every dollar you spend today is seen as ten dollars in the future, you realize the cost of a $4 coffee is really $40. This metaphor is the origin of his Biography’s title, The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life.

Albert Einstein said, “Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it earns it… he who doesn’t… pays it.” Darren Hardy, publisher and editorial director of Success magazine, provides a great example of the importance of saving early in life in his excellent book, The Compound Effect. One person begins investing $250 a month, at the age of 23 and does this until the age of 40. Her friend invests the same amount each month but doesn’t begin investing until the age of 40. He continues until the age of 67, which is the average retirement age. If both saw a return of 8% on their investment, she would have accumulated a little over a $1,000,000, while he would have accumulated less than $300,000, because he started late. He would have less than one third her accumulated wealth despite investing for 10 more years than she did and contributing $27,000 more than she did. [iv]

Poor people pay interest, and the wealthy earn it. You can make large sums of money, but if you don’t save or invest any of it, you will never accumulate wealth. Look at all the professional athletes, performers, and lottery winners that end up broke. It was because they didn’t have the discipline to manage their money correctly. It has been said that if you took all the money in the world, divided it up equally among everyone, it would soon end up in the same pockets. Darren Hardy’s mentor Jim Rohn routinely recommended people purchase and read Richest Man in Babylon by George Clason.

Jim said that typically only 10% of the people would purchase the book and read it, despite the book being very inexpensive, and easy to read at one sitting. The book explains in simple terms by way of storytelling how to become wealthy, and yet most people will not bother. He struggled to understand why so few people would invest the small amount of time and money required to learn the fundamentals of accumulating wealth. He explained it this way, what is easy to do is easy not to do. He said the average person will not bother to read the book or apply the information.

Don’t be average. The best way to be successful is to do what unsuccessful people won’t do. If you aren’t financially independent, I also recommend you pick up the book. My 9-year old daughter read it in just a few minutes. I want her to understand how she can become wealthy. I want compound interest and time to work for her. Wealthy people make money work hard for them, while poor people work hard for their money. Successful people adopt good habits that make time work for them, while unsuccessful people develop bad habits that make time work against them. Learn to make time and money work for you.

“In the confrontation between the stream and the rock the stream always wins not through strength but by perseverance.” Buddha

Habits produce results similar to the “flywheel effect” that Jim Collins describes in his best seller, Good to Great. When you begin adopting a new habit, it takes a lot of energy, like putting a massive flywheel that is motionless into motion. When you first push on the huge metal disk horizontally mounted on an axle, it barely moves. The motion is almost imperceptible, but push after push it begins to pick up momentum. Effort, upon effort, the massive disk builds more and more momentum until it is generating huge amounts of energy. Twitter was unsuccessful for its first couple of years, but its creators just kept at it, and eventually it picked-up and then exploded. Success is the result of consistency and grit; small effort, upon small effort. These efforts produce small, unremarkable results, but over time, they accumulate until a breakthrough occurs. Jim Collins describes the success of the Good to Great companies this way in his book, “There was no single defining action, no grand program, no one killer innovation, no solitary lucky break, no wrenching revolution. Good to great comes about by a cumulative process—step by step, action by action, decision by decision, turn by turn of the flywheel—that adds up to sustained and spectacular results.” [v]

What separates successful people from unsuccessful people is consistency. People that are in excellent physical condition are not a special breed. The only thing that separates them is that they have mastered consistency. Consistency is the game. Being fit has to do with exercising regularly. Being lean has to do with consistently controlling your food intake, so you don’t exceed your energy requirements. You should do both, but you need to understand that you cannot out exercise a bad diet. If you want to get leaner, you must begin eating less food than your body is burning each day. I wish I could tell you that as long as you work out every day for an hour, you can eat all you want, but that would be a lie. I don’t wish to mislead you.

For years I carried an extra 10 pounds of body fat. I exercised consistently, but I didn’t track my eating. It wasn’t until I started tracking my food intake that I lost those last few pounds. My experience is not unique; anyone that has achieved a lean physique did it by monitoring their food intake. I don’t know anyone that got lean through exercise alone.

Exercise helps you get lean and look better. Strength training helps create a harder looking physique so you can avoid that skinny fat look that cardio only exercise programs produce, but it isn’t the primary driver of body composition improvements. Weight loss is always driven by energy balance.

Cardio and strength training both burn calories, but strength training helps you maintain and build muscle while restricting calories, so it is much more effective at creating a better-looking physique. A common mistake I see people making when trying to gain muscle or lose fat is focusing on their exercise program.

Weight gain and weight loss are controlled by calories in vs. calories out. When you want to gain or lose weight, focus primarily on your diet; how many calories and how much protein you consume everyday. When you want to improve performance, focus on setting performance goals and varying the intensity of your workouts so that an intense period of training is followed by an intense period of recovery. Everything matters, but some things matter more than others. You cannot outrun a bad diet. You can train with an all-out effort all the time, or you’ll experience mental and physical burnout and increase your likelihood of injury. Consistency is more important than intensity. “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” Anthony Trollope

[i] Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It, Avery; Reprint edition (December 31, 2013)

[ii] Gretchen Rubin, Strategy of Loophole-Spotting #10: the One-Coin Loophole. January 31, 2014.

[iii] Elizabeth M. Fowler, Careers; When Job Security Is Provided, The New York Times, Published: October 10, 1984.

[iv] Darren Hardy, The Compound Effect, Vanguard Press; Csm edition (October 2, 2012).

[v] Jim Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap and Others Don’t, HarperBusiness; 1st edition (October 16, 2001).)

“Real transformation requires real honesty. If you want to move forward — get real with yourself. Change will never happen if you lack the ability and courage to see yourself for who you really are. Begin to elevate yourself today. Try to make better decisions. Become a beauty seeker. If you can begin to believe in your own beauty, you can then begin to believe in the beauty of others. The transformation of the world takes place in your heart. Once you reach the summit of your own heart you will see beauty is everywhere.” — Bryant McGill “What gets measured gets managed.” Peter Drucker I am a firm believer in Peter Drucker’s management principle.

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hopefullybarry · 6 years

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Love Bug

Summary: After being bitten by some sort of bug bite, you begin to have feelings for the first person you saw after being bitten—which just so happened to be Barry Allen

Warning: Umm, semi-smut?

"So let me get this straight," Barry paused, his palm suddenly feeling abnormally sweaty as it was pressed against yours. "She thinks she's in love with me!?"

"Well," Caitlin paused, glancing down at her clipboard to reread the results. "Essentially, yes. Whatever is affecting her has caused elevated levels of serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin—all of which are neurotransmitters that when combined are responsible for the love, affection, and happiness that is currently being pumped their her system."

"So basically," Cisco piped up, gnawing on the cap of his pen while he spun around in the chair at his desk. "You're saying that Y/n's been bitten by a love bug?"

Caitlin sighed, not wanting to dumb it down but that was a way to look at it so she reluctantly nodded.

"But why me?" Barry asked, desperately trying to ignore the quiet girl who was now clinging to his arm with her face buried into his side. "Why does she feel this sort of attraction to me? Why not Wally or Cisco?"

Caitlin shrugged, allowing a glance to Cisco in hopes that he could offer a possible reason—which he did not disappoint. "Maybe it's because you were the first person she looked at after being 'bitten'?" He put air quotes about the word bitten, adding a shrug after the statement so that he couldn't be held responsible if he was wrong.

With Cisco's question left hanging in the air, Barry's focus shifted to the cuddly girl beside him.

His heart wouldn't be able to take this. You let out a quiet little yawn as you snuggled deeper into his hold, eyes shut. He had just become convinced that he has gotten over that pesky crush he had on you but he was positive that this fiasco was going to bring those clawing back to the surface. (If we're being honest, he never really got rid of that crush, though he decided that if he was convinced he was over you, it would become true—it did not).

"What am I supposed to do?" Translated: Am I supposed to ignore her, take care of her until this is over with, or actually indulge her with what she wants?

"If you try to ignore her or shoot her down it's a possibility that she may shut down. Right now, you are her light. You are what is making you happy and I can easily deduce that without you by her side, or at least near her, she'd become despondent. Whatever is affecting her has made her completely reliant on you. It will probably only last a few days—possible a week—until her body burns this off. Until then, try not to give into her too much and make her do anything she'll regret when her head clears but also try to keep her satiated." Caitlin suggested, pity in her voice as she eyes you both. "I suggest you find a happy in between."

"Bare," You tugged on his sleeve to gain his attention. "'M tired. Can we go take a nap? Miss your bed."

He nearly choked at your question, roughly coughing to regain the ability to breathe. You just looked so cuddly with your oversized sweater, complete with sweater paws, as you rubbed at your eye tiredly. "Yeah... yeah let's get you home and you can take a nice long nap."

You sighed happily as you tugged him toward the elevator door, eager to get into his fluffy full sized bed for a much needed nap.

Barry glanced back at the team, hoping for some sign of reassurance or inclination as the correct way to handle this situation. However he only received a pitiful good luck thumbs up from Cisco before he was pulled into the elevator and outside of their view.

So here he was. Curtains closed. Room dark. Sufficiently cuddled by the angel in his arms. His heart pounding overwhelmingly, allowing him to focus on nothing other than you.

If this was any indication as to how the following days to come would be like then he really was going to be a goner. After months of a lack of intimacy, now he had an abundance of it and didn't know how to handle it. Should he even be enjoying this right now? After all, it wasn't actually real seeing as things would wear off in a few days. Sure, you two were close and very good friends but he had never expected anything more out if it, despite his slight crush.

Somewhere along the line, completely lost in his thoughts, Barry must've drifted off seeing as when he awoke there was a slight glimmer of light seeping through the curtains though he still had a sleeping angel on his chest, snoring rather loudly than one would have expected from the girl.

He almost didn't want to get up and disrupt you and your sleep. But his bladder felt otherwise. Gently detaching you from himself, Barry slipped out of the bed and delicately pulled the covers up over you in hopes that you wouldn't notice the lack of his body heat and awake.

Feeling more awake after his bathroom trip, Barry decided that he would make breakfast so that it would be all ready before you awoke.

He still felt all jittery about this whole situation. He had nearly forgotten how nice it was to cuddle with someone and wake up to another person, preferably one he cared about which you definitely qualified as.

He liked intertwining his legs with yours, jokingly complaining as you warmed your ice cold feet up on him, or your fingers playing with his fingers before sleep overtook you.

There were so many quirks that came along with sleeping with you that he couldn't wait to discover for however long this ended up lasting. Was it wrong to be taking advantage of this situation? Probably. Should he definitely not get caught up in it and forget that it isn't real? Yes. Is any of that likely to happen on his part? Not at all. Especially not when he's simply leaning against the counter, munching on a bagel when he feels a pair of arms wrap around his waist. It would be so easy for him to get used to this.

"Wanted to wake up to you," he could nearly hear the pout in your voice as you leaned against his back. "Missed you..."

Barry's heart leapt but he forced himself to rein it in. It wasn't real. "M'sorry..." He wiggled out of your grip, turning around to face you, making sure that there was a significant amount of distance between the two of you. "Listen, y/n, I have to go to the lab today but I made you some breakfast. Got a new case the other day, likely another meta because it seems like we don't have any crime in this city that isn't meta related anymore."

He filled up a plate as he guided you to a spot at the counter and set the plate down before you. The smell of bacon filled the small kitchen and, in that moment, Barry wanted nothing more than to stay with you all day and relish in the domestic things you would surely want to do.

"Have you got to go so soon? Couldn't you have breakfast with me and we can spend the rest of the day together?" You suggested, a slight smile on your face in hopes of convincing him. After all, you just wanted to spend time with him, no matter what the activity you two were doing together was.

The tickle at the back of Barry neck caused him to awkwardly reach back and rub his neck. This could not be happening. "Uhh," he dragged out, deciding which way to take this conversation.

No matter what, he knew that he absolutely could not take advantage of this situation. And he still wasn't sure if giving into you would be considered as leading you on (though it was more like he was leading himself on if he got too wrapped up in this illusion) for when you snapped out of this.

He decided to play it safe. "Actually, I've got a lot of paperwork I've gotta do. Don't wanna bore you to death while I'm focused on that."

He noticed you visible deflate at his poorly constructed excuse, knowing fully well that he just didn't want you there. "I'll be home in a couple of hours, however." He attempted to fix things, suddenly feeling bad that not only had he rejected you but that you had caught onto his lie. "I can be yours for the rest of the day after that. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. Just give me a few hours and I'm yours for as long as you'll have me."

You smiled in response, silently agreeing to his deal.

Barry knew, it was going to be a long, long day.

Apparently doing whatever you wanted while you were in this state, consisted of nonstop romance movies and extremely intimate cuddles, intimate meaning that there had been several moments in which he had to stop you wandering hands. And it seemed that the romantic atmosphere of the movies only added to your lovely-dovey feelings and, prior to the movies, Barry didn't think you could become anymore affectionate than you already had been–he was wrong.

You two lay on the couch, with you being completely draped over him with a warm fluffy blanket on top of you. During the relatively calm or boring moments throughout the movie, Barry ended up intwining his fingers with yours in an attempt to inhibit your hands from going to places that he would not be able to finish.

And after roughly the third movie is when his strength was really put to the test. Not only did he have to quell your straying hands, but he really began to break when he felt light kisses being pressed against his jaw.

He could not fight a battle and two fronts and when your mouth was added to the equation that's exactly what this became. His attempts to corral your hands and control your kisses were becoming feudal. He was losing.

In a moment of weakness, your lips managed to capture his and he let out a audible gasp and you bit his bottom lip. His tongue darted out, exploring your mouth.

As his grip loosened, you quickly slipped your hands out of his and tangled them in his hair as his hands came to rest on your waist, his hands subconsciously sliding down to squeeze your ass.

When your hips, jutted against his, he snapped back to reality.

This had to stop.

The next few days went along relatively the same. Nothing notable happened, as Barry became a bit stricter after that movie night where things got a little too heated, but that also meant that little progress was made in curing you of this.

It had been almost a week. One whole week of this and Caitlin was getting worried that there had not been a single sign of progress from you. You were still just as lovestruck as the moment you had been bitten and only had eyes for the one and only Barry Allen.

She began doing much more extensive research.

Growing quite comfortable with this whole set up, Barry was notably confused when he awoke on that Saturday morning (exactly one week and two days after the whole "bug bite") to find an empty bed.

Is this how you felt the first morning when he escaped before you awoke? He ignored the slight sadness that he felt without you nearly smothering him as he grew rather fond of the company. Barry had just assumed that you had snuck into the kitchen or off to the bathroom but as he wandered around the house it became clear that his apartment was indeed empty and you were nowhere to be found.

Weird.

Then it hit him. The effects must have worn off. And you were nowhere to be seen.

He had searched everywhere; his apartment, your apartment, Jitters, S.T.A.R. Labs, even the police station. Barry had run out of places to look yet he couldn't find you anywhere and he was beginning to become desperate.

Running through his mind, over and over again, were all the events that happened and how they must have made you felt now that you were in the right mind.

He was nearly starting to panic when his phone went off and interrupted the ordeal. He sped across the room and instantly picked it up, forgetting to even check the ID.

"Hello?" He breathed out, a small part of him praying that it was you on the other line yet not completely expecting it.

"Hey man," Cisco said, and Barry visibly deflated. "You might wanna come to the lab when you get a moment..."

His suggestion was vague but Barry had a gut feeling it couldn't be good. "Is Y/n there? I've been looking for her all morning."

"That's a part of what we've gotta discuss."

And with that, Barry put his powers to use and was at the lab within seconds.

Cisco opened his mouth to say something else to Barry over the phone but nearly had a heart attack when he turned around and saw the man himself standing right behind him.

"What's wrong? Where's Y/n? Is everything okay?"

"Slow down. She's fine. She's at Cait's apartment. That's what we have to talk about..."

Barry stood nervously before Caitlin's door. He kept fidgeting with his jacket, doing anything to avoid knocking on the door until he gained enough courage to face who was inside. When he did finally knock, his heart was in his throat.

Moments later, Caitlin cracked open the door and, in seeing it was Barry, gave him a sympathetic look.

"She's in the guest room."

Barry nodded, not saying a word as he made his way down the narrow hallway toward the looming guest room door.

"Barry," Caitlin spoke up before Barry even had a chance to knock. He shifted back to glance at her, his expression betraying him and portraying just how nervous he really was. "Take it easy on her. She's quite embarrassed about everything."

Barry nodded. He understood. A lot went down and you weren't in control. He should have been more strict with his rules. He could have prevented this if only he hadn't let his own feelings get the best of him.

He knocked on the door. No answer.

He knocked again, this time quietly calling out your name.

"Go away."

"Can't do that." He gently turned the nob and sighed when he saw you sadly cuddled up until too many blankets and wallowing in self pity. "C'mon, doll. You know we gotta talk about this. And the sooner we get this out and clear the air, the sooner we can get back to normal."

He sat on the corner of the bed, waiting for some sort of response.

"You don't understand, Bary. I don't think it can go back to the way it was. Too much had changed. I messed up too much."

You sat up to face him, unable to look him in the eyes still but at least there was some progress.

"You didn't mess up anything. I understand that wasn't you. You weren't in your right mind and I'm not going to hold that against you." Reaching out, Barry tentatively grasped your hand in a hold to give you some sort of comfort.

"You don't understand why this is so humiliating for me, Barry."

"Then tell me," He insisted, "Explain it to me because I don't understand. I'm not at all holding this against you. I know that this past week you haven't been yourself and I understand that. What I don't get it why you're so torn up over it." During his little speech, he never took his eyes off you. He wasn't going to lose a friend because of some stupid love bug bite. Barry wasn't that petty.

"That's just it, Bare. Caitlin explained it to me. That love bug would have had no effect on me unless I had feelings for the first person I saw after being bitten—which was you. If I had seen Cisco first then all of this could have been avoided. But, no, because I happened to see you first, my already existing feelings for you were then amplified and blown out of proportion."

Barry sat stunned, attempting to take in your revelation while still listening to what else you had to say.

"I remember everything that happened," You continued, refusing to look him in the eye at this point. "I remember clinging to you, cuddling you, flirting with you, sharing a bed with you, kissing you and nearly forcing myself onto you one night. How you want to be around me after all of that is beyond me. I'm mortified that this happened and I didn't even want to show my face to you, which is the reason I was hiding here but Cait didn't seem to respect my wishes. Now please, I cannot handle any more embarrassment for the rest of the year. We can pretend like this never even happened but I just..." You let out a deep sigh. "I need some time to get over this."

"Can I say something now?" Barry asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he finally caught you gaze.

He politely waited for confirmation, which he received in the form of a slight head nod, before he began his own spiel.

"I didn't hate it, if that's what you're thinking. If anything, I thoroughly enjoyed my week with you and it made me miss being in a relationship. I don't think I would have been comfortable if it had been anyone but you; but a part of me is glad it was you. This whole situation is completely insane but... But it brought to light these feelings for you that I had tried to tuck away out of pure fear of rejection. If this had never happened then I don't think I would have ever admitted to myself and I am completely in love with you. It's always been there but I never wanted to put it out because a part of me was scared to lose you if you didn't feel the same. And, even now, I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm able to put this out there is because I know you feel the same and I don't want you to feel embarrassed for what happened if that is what it took for us to finally admit our feelings for each other."

Barry felt slightly out of breath after that. He hadn't expected any of this.

Apparently his unrequited love was requited by some twist of fate.

"How about this," He suggested before you had a change to doubt yourself. "We start over. Tonight, I take you out on the best date you've ever had and we begin again. On the right foot this time and without any sort of stupid bug bite influencing you. A clean slate."

"Start over..." You repeated, meeting his gaze as you squeezed his hand. "I'd like that."

Maybe this bug bite was a good thing after all...

#barry allen oneshot #barry allen imagines #barry allen x reader #barry allen imagine #barry allen #grant gustin imagine #grant gustin imagines #grant gustin #the flash oneshot #the flash imagine #the flash imagines #the flash #the cw #cw #dc imagine #dc comics

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