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actual-changeling · 5 months

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It was actually rather hard to decide how to begin this meta post because there are essentially going to be two main parts: why Crowley does not actually avoid/run from his problems and why "going off" is not a bad thing regardless.

Then I wrote the first part and realised this is now 2.5k words long, so uhhhh I will grant part 2 its own post.

With that, welcome back to Alex's today-not-unhinged meta corner!

I am going to approach this topic from a psychological angle, which a lot of people have already done, but without explicitly mentioning it or going into depth. All my information comes from personal experience, research, my therapist, and my psychiatrist, just so you know I am not making shit up. I actually dug up some resources my therapist gave me a while ago.

Generally, there are four different fear/survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Most people have probably heard about fight and flight, since those two are usually the only ones that are mentioned/taught, so I will stick to explaining the other two.

"Fawning" refers to actively being submissive and subdued, both physically and emotionally. The goal is to appear non-threatening and to calm whoever is causing the fear response in the first place. It shows up as being overly agreeable, not having thoughts/opinions of your own and ignoring them if you do, your body language changing (e.g., making yourself smaller, taking up less space), and generally attempting to 'keep the peace' or reinstate it.

"Freezing" is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin—you freeze. It means slipping into a dissociative state, which disconnects you from your body, your emotions/mind, and/or the outside world. Usually, people stop being able to talk well or at all, they do not move, and if they do, it is on autopilot; you do not fight or flee, you simply exist until what is causing the fear response is over.

While dissociating, your brain is unable to form full memories—and depending on how heavily you are dissociating, it does not form any memories at all.

Freezing as a response happens when fight, flight, and fawn aren't possible anymore, e.g., a child who has no internal mechanisms to deal with large amounts of fear because it's a child, so the only way to escape the pain and aggressor is by fleeing into your mind and shutting down.

Why am I telling you all this? Because most people tend to have one or two survival responses that dominate/they usually fall back on, and the same goes for Aziraphale and Crowley.

When faced with an outside problem and a lot of stress, Aziraphale's first instinct is to fawn, to placate the person, to diffuse the situation, to make sure everyone is agreeing, or, at the very least, submitting to authority figures or aggressors. It is what heaven teaches them—stick to the rules, don't ask questions, do what you are told. If fawning involves lying, he will do so, here the need for safety is stronger than his desire to be truthful and stick to his morals.

Unfortunately, the fact that this is his primary fear response is also the reason behind his extreme cognitive dissonance. How can you stick to the rules when you do not know what the rules ARE? So he is stuck trying to figure out what is "good" and what is "bad" so he can be a good angel and avoid doing anything that might be seen as bad or disobedient.

His secondary response to stress or fear is to fight—once it's clear that fawning won't work, he can and will switch over to being more direct and aggressive/less submissive. We see that happening when he gets discorporated in season 1 and needs to get back to earth, at the airbase, or when the bookshop gets attacked.

If I were to ask you what you think Crowley's primary fear response is, how would you respond?

Well, if you said "flight"—you're wrong, and I will explain why.

Flight is his secondary fear response, it is what he falls back on in absolute emergencies when everything is doomed and there's nothing he can do anymore.

Before that, though, he fights.

Even as an angel, he was already questioning the system, he was ready to go and tell God she was doing a terrible job, that her ideas were bad, that he wants to keep his stars and the universe— six thousand years are nothing! If you actively oppose existing rules and defy people's authority over you, fighting is the only option you have unless you plan on giving up or the response becomes too much to deal with.

Fear itself happens when you or someone/something you love is being threatened (whether that threat is real or simply perceived as such doesn't matter), plus there are a large number of more irrational fears.

Crowley's creations were threatened -> He goes against the rules, he wants to fight for them.

On the walls of Eden, he questions God and talks to an angel, his hereditary enemy, once again defying the rules, questioning them.

Job and his children were threatened -> He goes against orders to try and save them.

There is good reason to believe he went against God by saving some of the children from the flood.

He showed Jesus the kingdoms of the world—do we really think that was based on orders? No, it was once again Crowley not playing by the rules.

Wessex? He proposes the Arrangement, which is one gigantic "fuck you" in his fight against celestial rules. Everything after that goes back to Crowley knowing that their jobs suck and that they can cheat, fight the system by working together. In 1827, it gets him pulled to hell and punished, and yet he does not stop; he keeps fighting.

Crowley is the one who immediately tries to stop the apocalypse. Aziraphale needs to be talked into it, needs to be convinced with selfish reasons and personal pleasure.

The reason why both heaven and hell absolutely loathe him is not because he is a runner; it's because he constantly and consistently defies them. He fights.

In season two, he immediately tries to deal with the Gabriel problem while Aziraphale is standing behind him and saying "I don't know" to all of his questions. Taking him somewhere so they can figure shit out in peace is not 'running'—it's smart. Sure, it's far from ideal, but we see what keeping him in the bookshop brought them, don't we? The hiding miracle is what tipped heaven and hell off in the first place.

Aziraphale goes to Edinburgh based on a hunch, but once again—did that help? Did his journalist roleplay trip actually provide vital information that solved a single puzzle piece of that mess? No. Finding out that Gabriel was at that pub with some mystery person was a nice fact to know, but that's it.

During the ball, Crowley is scared, vigilant, prowling around the shop, checking windows, telling Aziraphale to "stop this charade" so they can figure out what to do. Aziraphale, in that moment, was already convinced that sticking to the rules would save them—a heavenly embassy on a technicality, surely the group of fallen angels who got booted due to not following heaven's rules will respect that.

Crowley goes to heaven, which is once again him actively looking for a solution, while Aziraphale also falls back on fighting because fawning is not going to do shit.

There are three times during which Crowley suggests fleeing—which is his secondary fear response—but those are exceptions. Let's have a look at them.

The first one is at the bandstand, the evening before the Apocalypse, and since Aziraphale is lying to him, the situation seems hopeless to him. Yet he is still having his 'agents' look for him, is still fighting.

Do you know why he even suggests running? He is about to leave when Aziraphale calls him back with "there isn't anywhere to go," and now allow me to insert the following passage from the scriptbook.

Crowley looks back. He looks at Aziraphale. Above them, a beautiful starry sky. And Crowley softens.

"Big universe. Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, we could go off together."

The sentence in the show is slightly different, but they have one thing in common: If.

IF the world ends, we can still leave and be together. IF.

Crowley is NOT saying "let's leave", he is presenting Aziraphale with a contingency plan in case stopping the Apocalypse does not work. He is NOT running, he isn't even SUGGESTING to run.

It's a "if the world ends, we can be together. We don't need to be with hell or heaven; we can be in the stars," because remember what the end of the world would mean? Eternal torture for Crowley while Aziraphale bores himself to death in heaven.

The next time he suggests it again—when he stops Aziraphale on the street—several things have happened.

First, he did not leave. If he truly wanted to flee, he would have by now, but he didn't. He sits in a cinema waiting for the end: "Out of time. Out of hope," as Neil puts it. Then Hastur and Ligur show up on screen and tell him, 'You're dead meat, Crowley. You're bloody history. […] We're coming to collect you'.

We all know that means "eternal torture in hell," but if you're not convinced for some reason, have another snippet from the script book that did not make it into the show.

Dagon is speaking from the Bentley's radio while he drives towards the bookshop, saying that something has gone wrong and they're sure he has a 'perfectly reasonable explanation' for it. Once he gets out of the car, however, Dagon still keeps going and says the following:.

"Your explanation, and the circumstances that will accompany it, will provide a source of entertainment for all the damned of hell, Crowley. Because no matter what agonies the damned are suffering, Crowley, you will have it worse."

Crowley already knows that. He has been punished by them before, heard, seen, lived torture, there is no doubt as to what will happen should they catch him. So he does what any person with a single fucking brain cell would do—he tries to get his loved one and FLEE.

Flight is the best response in this situation, and if you need me to explain why, then honestly, I cannot help you anymore. I won't go into detail about Aziraphale's response, but, tl;dr, it was shitty and incredibly hurtful, go figure.

Now, let's get to situation number 3, which is his speech during the final fifteen. We do not have an official script for that, but someone did make transcriptions for all episodes; you can find them here. Additionally, I will copy some of what I already said in a different meta post.

Crowley, stuck in his trauma-induced hypervigilance and paranoia, suggests putting as much distance between them and the problem as possible. I think it is interesting that in ep1 he wants to get Gabriel away from them, while at the end of the season, he is ready to get them away from the problem.

So far, I have never seen anyone mention that change! And it’s important! The entire season, it is hammered into our heads how much they love being on earth. It is THEIR bookshop and THEIR car and THEIR life.

Crowley wants to protect that home, and Gabriel is a threat to it, a threat to both of them, their life, the bookshop—everything. He does not want to leave, he wants his peace and angel in one place.

Yet by allowing Gabriel to stay, Aziraphale destroyed the sense of comfort and safety Crowley had slowly developed over the last few decades. Heaven nipping down every now and then to check in with Aziraphale is very different from him sheltering the Supreme Archangel who is running from ‘something terrible’ without even asking if he’s alright with that.

Aziraphale calls it their bookshop, but he fundamentally still sees it as his space to govern and Crowley as a guest; he even calls it a 'heavenly embassy'.

After another horrible week and having his previously safe space violated by several different times and beings, Crowley is back to where he was before—without a home. That fragile existence broke apart, so he is standing in the heap of shards and telling Aziraphale 'I don’t feel safe here anymore, let’s leave’.

He lost his safe space, but he still has his safe person, his best and only friend, the person he loves. I doubt he cares where exactly they go as long as they’re together and it’s safe.

Returning to heaven—it is the one place Crowley cannot follow him to. It’s literally the worst option, he can’t go back, he won’t go back. So he invokes the bookshop again, if you don’t want to stay for me, stay for the bookshop, your books, your corner of existence that I thought we had carved out for ourselves.

There is a common error that people make regarding the timeline, which is assuming that during this conversation they are already aware of the impending apocalypse—but they aren't. Aziraphale himself has no clue, and while Crowley saw the conversation and trial, he does NOT know when it will happen. For all he knows, it could be tomorrow, could be in a thousand years, and, even if he had been given a date, I doubt they laid out all the details and how to stop it.

Considering that his original plan was "get drunk at the Ritz and then have us time," I don't think he knew literally anything about how or when to stop it. So no, Crowley does NOT suggest running away from earth and leaving it to die.

All he wants is some bloody peace and quiet where no demons, angels, or power-hungry floating heads can interrupt them. A space that is safe and theirs. There are also zero mentions of where he wants them to go; he is not talking about the stars or the universe. He wants to get away from where they currently are because heaven and hell show up uninvited whenever they please.

If your boss and ex-boss constantly kicked down your front door and stated their wish to torture you, would you stay there or would you move? Yeah.

This post got very long, but it was long overdue.

I am tired of seeing people call Crowley a callous coward who always runs away from his problems when he is the literal opposite. You take three sentences said under exceptional circumstances and apply them to Crowley as a whole, when it is nothing but his last ditch effort to keep himself and Aziraphale safe.

One last thing: If you come onto my post and start aggressively arguing about this, I will block you. Genuine discussions and questions are always welcome, being a dick is not, and I also simply cannot handle some of the rhetoric people in this fandom perpetuate because it's very triggering.

Make your own post, don't do it on mine.

#alex talks good omens #good omens #ineffable husbands #good omens meta #crowley #aziraphale #good omens season 2 #go2 #aziracrow #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable divorce #the final fifteen #crowley meta #aziraphale meta #crowley deserves better treatment from this fandom #and people that actually remember canon and don't take some fanfic version of him they have created during the hiatus #so many straight up factually incorrect takes #i dont know if i will make it until season 3 guys

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inlovewithquestionablecharacters · 4 months

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Crowley X Reader: To love and be loved

This is purely self indulgente

Warnings: fluff, heartbreak, happy ending

Word count:1,8K

He’s not used to this feeling. He knows what it is, well at least he thinks he does, but he’s still not accustomed to it.

Love is weird.

Crowley had always thought that and this situation just seemed to prove it. He loved Aziraphale. It had taken him eons to admit it to himself but he knew it was true. But as much as he loved Aziraphale he also loved you. A demon in love with an angel and a human. It’s funny how life works. He still hadn’t told you how he felt. His heart was still recovering from Azi’s rejection. But despite the heartbreak he knew you’d be much more open to his love than Aziraphale had been. You’d stuck around, after all. Which was more than he could say for the Angel. Crowley could still feel the warmth of your body as you stood beside him that day as you both watched Aziraphale leave. He missed the feeling of having you near. You’d tried to reach him but he was making it absurdly hard for you. Crowley wanted to be alone and at the same time he wanted someone to hold him.

Was this how humans felt after a breakup? Odd little creatures.

It took some time but Crowley finally caved. He drove over to your apartment, parking the Bentley somewhere safe before going to knock at your door. He turned to look at the street as he waited for you to open the door, his eyes catching on the bookshop on the other side. It wasn’t your fault you lived right in front of it. It was why you’d ended up meeting the two of them in the first place. It finally hit Crowley why he’d put this off for so long. As much as he wanted to see you he couldn’t deal with the thought of coming back here and finding the bookshop empty.

Crowley didn’t hear you unlock the door. He didn’t hear it screech open either. You glanced at the Demons characteristic red locks, your heart nearly jumping out of your chest at the sight. You went to place your hand on Crowley's shoulders, stopping for a moment as you realized just what he was staring at. You moved closer to him, your arms wrapping around his neck as you leaned your head on his shoulder. Crowley moved his head to the side, his nose bumping against your cheek. He closed his eyes, taking in your familiar scent. He loved when you hugged him like this.

“Long time no see.”

“Sorry about that dove.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now.”

Crowley hummed against your skin as you gave a kiss to his shoulder blade, despite his coat he felt the pressure of your lips against his skin. You were always so affectionate with him. It had taken him a while to get used to it but now he couldn’t see himself living without your caresses.

“Wanna come inside?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll make some coffee.”

Crowley sat on your armchair, his legs slung on top of your coffee table as he watched you move around in the kitchen. You hummed as you worked making the Demon smile. He rose from his seat moving over to your record collection. He skimmed through the vinyls searching for the right one. Once he’d found it he went over to your record player, placing the disc in before turning the machine on. Your head turned to face him as you heard “Good Old-fashioned lover boy” begin to play. You smiled at Crowley, watching as he moved over to you.

“Queen huh?”

“Heard you humming it.”

“Ah I see.”

You placed the rag you had been holding on the counter. Crowley watched you sway your body to the rhythm cautiously for a moment before starting to dance without hesitation. He grinned at you his head bopping to the beat. You stuck your hand out to him walking backwards into the living room. He gave you a dubious glance, silently asking what you were doing.

“Well, aren’t you going to dance with me?”

“Oh I don't dance.”

“Bullshit.”

Crowley looked at you, his eyes moving over your features sadly. Before the memories could get him down he gave you his hand.

“Oh what the hell.”

You laughed as Crowley spun you around. The two of you moved around the living room, each one dancing in their own weird way. Everyonce in a while you'd bump into each other causing you to have a fit of laughter. Neither of you thought anything of it when your skin grazed the other, you were used to having close contact with each other. And then something changed. You bumped into Crowley for what felt like the hundredth time but this time instead of nudging him with your limps you managed to collide into his body, causing his arms to wrap around you.

“Careful dove.”

“Sorry.”

You raised your head, eyes falling on Crowley's yellow orbs. You hadn't noticed he’d taken off his glasses. Your hand found its way to his cheek, one finger tracinging over the mark near his ear. The Demon stared down at you observing the way your eyelids fluttered lightly as you caressed him, your lips parted in a way that allowed him to feel your breath against his skin. He could feel your heartbeat against his chest, the steady thrum soothing him. You didn’t break eye contact, allowing Crowley's eyes to lure you in. The Demon started to become self conscious causing him to lower his gaze. You called out his name placing a finger under his chin. He raised his head to look at you. He looked so scared. You’d rarely seen him look so uncertain of himself.

“You’re very pretty, you know that?”

You weren’t really sure why you’d said that. It had just come out. Crowley's brows creased as he looked at you. Here you were holding him in your arms in the middle of your living room and telling him he looked pretty. He wasn’t used to this kind of treatment. He didn’t really know how to react. You moved your head up slightly, eyes shifting back and forth as you inched your face closer to Crowleys. When the Demon didn’t move away from you in anger you decided to go for it. Your lips grazed Crowleys as you laid a gentle kiss to his mouth. You opened your eyes, pulling away. Your gaze fell on Crowley's shocked expression, your own eyes widening as you realized what you’d just done.

“Oh shit. Crowley, I'm so sorry.”

You backed away unlatching yourself from Crowley as you stumbled backwards. You put your hands over your face covering it in embarrassment.

“Fuck.”

Letting out an angry groan you forced yourself to look at Crowley. He still had the same expression plastered on his face. You bit your lip as you tried to formulate the right thing to say.

“Crowley listen i’m really-”

He was sick of hearing you say sorry. He was sick of the way you avoided his gaze. He needed to feel you again. Needed to have you close to him. With two long strides the Demon had made his way over to you, one of his hands gripping onto your hip as the other wound itself in your hair. Crowley shoved his lips against yours, hungrily devouring the gasp that left your mouth. You clung onto Crowley's jacket in desperation. He kissed you in a bruising manner, hands trying to hold onto whatever of you he could reach. His hands were cold against your skin, something you’d become used to over the years. In your despair you and Crowley had managed to make your way to the other side of the living room. Your ass bumped into the record player causing the needle to scratch against the vinyl in a grating noise. The sound made you and Crowley cover your ears, hands detaching from each other. The Demon let out a frustrated groan moving to lift the needle.

“I’ll get you a new one.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Crowley set the needle back down on the disc in a random spot. A small sigh left the Demon's lips as “Somebody to love” started playing. You noticed the way Crowley's body sagged a bit causing you to frown.

“Crowley here let me change-”

“Listen.”

The Demon's hand held onto your wrist, stopping you from switching the track that was playing. You didn’t understand why he wanted to keep listening to this song. After everything that had happened in the past few weeks you would have thought that a love song was the last thing he would want to hear. Crowley's fingers trailed up your arm making you look at his face. You watched as he observed the way his fingers moved over your skin. He was thinking about something. Really thinking about it. You wondered what exactly could make the line between his brows appear so predominant. You placed your hand over Crowley’s causing him to look at you. You smiled at the Demon beginning to nod your head to the beat of the song.

“Find me somebody to love. Come on Crowley sing it with me.”

“Find me somebody to love.”

“There you go.”

You sang the words together. While you sang with your whole heart Crowley sang with a bit more hesitancy. You didn’t hold it against him though. He'd been through a lot. Even if the words were part of lyrics they still held a deeper meaning. You knew that. Maybe that was what made you sing with such passion. Maybe it’s what made you keep your eyes focused on Crowley's face as you sang. Because it meant something. And you wanted him to know that.

“Can anybody find me somebody to…..love.”

“Already did.”

“Oh Crowley. Azi’s a fool he’s a big-”

“I’m not talking about the Angel.”

Your brows creased in confusion. Crowley loved Aziraphale. You’d known if from the moment you’d laid eyes on them. So if he wasn’t talking about him who could he be-oh oh. Crowley moved closer to you, placing his hand on your chin. You gazed up at him, eyes moving back and forth as your brain struggled to compute what this meant. The Demon leaned his head down slightly. He was going to take it slow this time. Give you time to push him away if that’s what you wanted. He wouldn’t fuck up again. He knew better now. Crowley called out your name. You realized you hadn’t said anything for a while.You cursed yourself for reacting so slowly. You’d forgotten that Crowley had developed trust issues because of Aziraphale. He wasn’t going to be the one to make the final move. He couldn’t handle another heartbreak so he was leaving it up to you to decide what happened next.

“Crowley…”

The Demon prepared himself to pull away from you. He’d already begun to back away when you let out a breathy whisper.

“I love you too.”

He wasn’t sure he’d heard you correctly. His mind had a way of playing games with him recently. But then your lips were on his and your hands were winding around his neck and he just knew. He knew this was real. You were real. You loved him. And that was more than enough.

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