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suninyourmoon · 1 year

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ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS (2)

🗣 Not professional astrologer! It’s only based on my own experience, people that i know, and self-observation. So please take with grain of salt! :D

Venus in Libra peeps could be those who keep nagging about how they want a relationship so bad. (i know a few people in my life with this placement and they can't stop complaining about how single they are help)

Leo moon are lying to themselves if they say they don't like attention. (perhaps don't realize it yet?)

A lot of Venus in Virgo people that i know at some point in their life will questioning whether they really want a marriage or not. (yeah me too)

Someone said "i can't see myself getting married. I don't know, it seems unrealistic to me" yeah you are Virgo Venus in 12th house retrograde.

I mean, Venus in Virgo itself already make this person picky when it comes to love, and then the confusion and unrealistic idea they had because of the neptune influence. And in retrograde? jeez. i believe they have been in a relationship but then the relationship they had never meet their expentation because this people have a hopeless romantic idea of what romance is.

Venus in Sagittarius / 9th need a lot of freedom. Have a special place for foreigner in ther heart. Love someone who can keep up with their wild energy. Love people who is aware of society problem. Might also into smart people. Probably like to joke around with people close to their heart as well. (or people in general)

Moon in 7th house / Moon in Libra find comfort from being around people.

or they might feel the need to be in a relationship so that they won't feel lonely. Might dealing with co-dependency. (i know it's not your fault but please seek theraphy)

Friend of mine have 7th stellium (5 planet) and i swear to god, the attachment issues they have with is not a joke. They struggle with being on their own and need someone approval in every aspect of their life. Feel like they are incomplete if they're single. Too selfless, too giving. Later in life, people with this placement might have to realize that they should learn to stand on their on feet.

Neptune in 3rd house might having a hard time to communicate what they want to say. They also might say something they don't mean.

Uranus in 3rd house saying something in such a random way. i can't understand you sometimes,,,,,,

Chiron in 2nd house peeps could deal with feeling unworthy and feel unsave. They could feel guilty if they spend money on themselves. My Friend with this placement struggle with fear of end up lacking money all the time.

TW : ED!

i've met a few people with Chiron in 1st house, all of them stuggle with self-image and body dysmorphia, and also struggling with Eating Disorder. :(

END OF WARNING

Those with Jupiter and Saturn together in 8th House will likely to be extremely wealthy. They are hardworking and blessed with money.

They might also are curious about the deeper things in live, spirituality and the theme around 8th house but at the same times fear of the unknown and uncertainty. They might be those people who want to dive deeper into sex (or just have high energy on that) and desire devoted relatonship but hold themselves back and blocking themself from intimate relationship because a deep fear of commitment. It's very frustasing when jupiter and saturn are in the same house.

this is actually synasty thingy but i felt like i need to mention this, DO NOT MESS AROUND WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE 8TH HOUSE SYNASTRY WITH WHEN YOU’RE NOT READY AT ALL🩸👄🩸 i have my experience with someone who my planets fall into their 8th house (stellium), and they are OBSESSES. I help bring their true and darker side of them so now they’re attach on me, it’s sorta my fault for trying to fix them tho that’s why i’m telling you stop messing around with this synastry if you’re not ready.

8th house placement… did astrology became your free therapy because they can validate ur emotion and understand you so damn well? Same👍🏻

Mercury-Saturn aspect, i know it’s a good thing to be careful with ur words but please say something if you really want to say it. You literally limiting ur self sometimes and overthinks a lot

There someone i know said that they don't know how to get mad and have Mars-Saturn aspect. These people (Could be Saturn in 8th house as well) might been told during their childhood that it's wrong let their temper loose so then growing up they feel guilty to express their anger and try to burry those temper.

They also could be those who struggle with supressed sexuality.

idk but my mom have Scorpio Mars and used to make a lot of sexual jokes during my childhood. (please don't do that)

Sagittarius Asc peeps i knew in the first impression look so innocently religious and calm, and they always turns out to be not. Like, literally

Thats it✨ thankyou sm and you can give me a feedback 💥 cheers peeps🫶

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writersdare · 10 months

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5SOS ♡ Masterlist

Last update: 20.01.2024

♡ – readers' favourite; ♥︎ – the most popular 5SOS work

Luke Hemmings

Hold Me Tight ♡ Summary: Luke has been plagued by nightmares, but Y/N was always there for him. Warning: hurt/comfort, nightmares

Let Me Love You NEW Summary: Luke knew it wasn’t his fault Y/N didn’t let him get any closer, but he just wished to know what he could do to make it better. Warning: angsty, trusting issues, mentioning of a breakup, the reader may have low self-esteem Two Gummy Worms Summary: Luke was determined to take Y/N on a night drive. Some things, though, didn’t want to go according to his perfect plan. Warning: friends to lovers, fluff, mentioning of food

He Called Her a Fairy Summary: No matter how excited Luke was to go on tour, it was always too heartbreaking to say goodbye to Y/N. However, that parting was worth going through to meet again. Warning: hurt/comfort, angsty

Eyes Can Speak Too Summary: Being blinded by the feelings for each other, Luke and Y/N didn’t see the obvious things. Warning: friends to lovers, angst, trusting issues, a bit of cursing and mentioning of alcohol

Sweeter Than Honey Summary: Spending a simple evening with Y/N, Luke realised she was always his happy place. Warning: fluff

Baby Girl Summary: Even in Y/N’s darkest times, Luke was always there to guide her to the light. Warning: hurt/comfort, disordered eating

Why Won’t You Love Me Summary: Luke and Y/N broke up after a few months of dating so they could at least remain friends, but seemed like it didn’t ease the pain. Warning: angst, fluff, a bit of cursing and mentioning of alcohol

Never Doubt Me Summary: A date, it would seem, could not get any worse, but then Luke remembered a painful rumour he heard about Y/N. Warning: argument

No Longer Together Summary: Trying to move on from a breakup, Luke and Y/N found each other at the same room, playing “spin the bottle”. Warning: College!AU, angst, mention of alcohol and a breakup

More coming...

Ashton Irwin

Keep It Quiet ♡ Summary: Ashton and Y/N kept their relationship a secret for a while, but one interview made the things a little complicated. Warning: none

Give Me Attention Summary: Ashton and Y/N had been friends for a while. However, everything changed once she found out an unpleasant secret he thought to hide from her. Warning: angst, an intimate moment, a bit of cursing and mentioning of alcohol

More coming...

Michael Clifford

Don’t Be a Stranger Summary: The tour was over, and Michael and Y/N finally met again. Both were uncertain who they were to each other after months being apart. Warning: slight angst

Calum Hood

Ghost of You NEW Summary: It had been four months of silence between Calum and Y/N. Could she finally move on? Warning: angst All Too Well Summary: It’s the first time ever when Calum and Y/N didn’t need to be apart, as they were going on tour together. However, things could never just be perfect, could they? Warning: angst, fluff, a bit of cursing

Strawberry Jam Summary: The winter holidays were simply the best for both Calum and Y/N, especially when a heating problem in their house occurred. Warning: fluff, friends to lovers

Password Is Your Birthday ♡♥︎ Summary: Y/N never doubted Calum’s loyalty, however, once controversial photos were leaked, their relationship was put to the test. Warning: angsty, mention of alcohol

Paris Broke My Heart Part 1 | Part 2 Summary: Calum knew he’d lose Y/N each time she’d start a new relationship, but that time it was different. She was leaving the country, maybe forever. Warning: 18+ (non-detailed smut), angst, fluff, friends to lovers, cursing and mentioning of alcohol

More coming...

– photo is obv not mine and belongs to the rightful owner –

All stories are original and written by me. Do not copy, trace and post anywhere without permission and credit. The stories are fictional, they do not correspond to reality and written just for fun ♡

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ka0ila · 10 months

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|Pass Out

pairing - lee minho x fem!reader

summary- you pass out after over exerting yourself

warning - angst;fluff, slight-eating disorder

You were working on the same choreography for about 3 hours now. You just couldn't get it right. You were physically exhausted and decided to rest. The moment you sat down, Minho entered the practice room. "Are you able to do it? it's been three hours" You nodded while trying to catch your breath, "the start and ending yes, but i just can't exerpertise the middle part. i'm trying." you said out of breath. He nodded, he looked a bit.. disappointed? you shrugged it off. "after 5 min, i'll watch you do it." he said in a stern tone which sent shivers down your spine. You hesitantly nodded. After 5 minutes, you got up. For some reason, you felt really nervous. Ah, it's just Minho, He'll help me out. You began and You could sense him staring at You. You were a bit scared of him scolding you, you were already tired and didn't feel like getting scolded.

“do that step again” he commanded sternly.

you nodded catching your breath. honestly, you were really embarrassed, it was Minho after all he wouldn’t judge you but.. He was just so perfect. you couldn’t seem to get that one specific step right, you were frustrated, so was he.

“why can’t you just do it right (y/n)” he said a little annoyed. Now, you were really frustrated because you just couldn’t seem to get it right and didn’t need anyone to tell you that aswell,

“im fucking trying Minho” you snapped. “Are you? if you did you would’ve got it right” and that made you teary. you were really trying. He just scoffed. You were about to leave the room but you suddenly started loosing conscious, everything started blacking out, you couldn’t see anything. oh, fuck.

baby?

I woke up in the hospital. I felt someone sleeping on my hand, it was Minho. Oh, i passed out. He started to wake up, for some reason, i just closed my eyes. i was embarrassed to be weak and pass out after not working hard enough and not being able to learn a fucking dance step. he looked at my face and huffed, and started caressing my forehead, i melted.

it was so comforting i felt like crying,

it made me feel safe, really safe.

he then kissed my forehead whispering a sorry, but it wasn’t his fault?

i heard him leave the room and Hyunjin walked in.

He sat beside me looking at me with sad eyes, am i alright? i only passed out right?

did they find out something?

i squirmed a little and began to open my eyes,

“(y/n)?” hyunjin called out my name as he hugged me. i gave him a soft smile as i saw him loosen up and relax a little. Minho walked in.

“i’m sorry Minho, i passed out and i couldn’t even lea-” he cut me off by hugging me tightly and attached his lips to mine.

“i was so.. so fucking worried about you”

“i only passed out what happened?” i asked them confused. they sighed looking at each other.

“have you been skipping meals?”

“i-” i failed to respond and tears started rolling down my face. i didn’t want things to be like this, i didnt want them to know, its only a phase i wouldve gotten over it.

“no” i lied. “youre in no position to lie to us” Seungmin scoled me. “i’m sorry” and for some reason i started sobbing. they all comforted me, i felt bad, everyone was tired but i gave them one more reason to be tired of.

“you know i love you right?”

“im sorry i shouldn’t have pushed you so much” minho apologised nuzzling into my neck cuddling me.

“it’s not your fault don’t blame yourself for it, i shouldve taken better care of myself, please dont ever stop yourself from pushing me forward or scolding me” i assured him.

“are you sure?”

“very.”

“i love you.”

“i love you more than you could ever imagine.”

━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━

im sorry this one’s kinda short :>

tell me if you like it!

i like writing angst so you’ll be getting alot more angst hehe, my exams are in 2 days im really stressed i don’t have it all covered, but anyways.

Stream S-Class!!!

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 10 months

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Am I the asshole if I pointed tell my dad, who chased me out of getting help in my teens, about an autoimmune disease that has a possibility of killing me and that part of it is his fault?

I'll make this short, my dad (58M, 6'4") has never believed that I (26F, 5'6") have anything wrong with me and that I am willfully lazy/forgetful/overexaggerate pain. To give you an idea, I have ASD and ADHD and my Dr's have been struggling to find the answers for my joints. To him, I was the "perfect" child and I couldn't have problems. I had to be the one to go to school, I had to be the one to do everything right. Between him and I, he was always right. If ever I felt hurt by him, he would spin the conversation around in a way so that it was always my fault. Even down to house chores, he would make everything my fault. For example, I didn't eat for a week and he filled the sink with his dishes and then screamed at me that they were mine. I have also dislocated a shoulder to my dominant arm and was in a sling. At this time, he told me to pick up a 40lb garbage bag and take it outside. I obviously couldn't do it with only one arm. It hurt and I was terrified of dislocating my other arm. I had a meltdown in garage about how I had to ask him for help because I couldn't do it. I knew he would yell at me to "get stronger" and that its my own fault. Lo and behold, that's exactly what happened when I went inside. I asked him if he wanted me to hurt myself. He responded by yelling at me that I already did. It's because of this constant abuse that I finally moved across the country and moved in with an online friend I'd had for many years who is now my fiancee. So for those worried, I am in a safe place with a man who cares so much about me. He supports me and understands how very real all my problems are. He takes good care of me. Which, he's also part of the reason I have been able to bring myself to go to the Dr to begin with.

Now, for the problem at hand. I have had joint pain starting in my hands since I was a teen. It got bad enough I had complained to my whole family until my grandmother told my dad to take me to the Dr. So I went to the Dr and then after three visits I had to stop because my dad verbally attacked me about "when I would be done" and that he couldn't afford it. So i stopped. Well, I didn't go back to get treated for anything until recently in my mid 20s. My pain has spread to my whole body over the last 10 years. I am in an ungodly amount of agony. I've dislocated bones repeatedly. My bones lock up and constantly crack and pop. Exercise is very difficult. It was never treated till I got insurance through my work in the last year. Well we have narrowed down what we think I have. It's an autoimmune disorder that deteriorates the joints and makes it very easy to dislocate my limbs. If I have a specific version of this disorder, this thing could possibly effect my heart and the muscles that make my heart beat. Aka, my heart could just *stop* in my 40s/50s. I'm going on vacation with my narcissistic father in a month and I want to sit him down with my eldest brother, who has always had my back, and explain to them the situation. I want my brother there to keep me safe during the conversation. I kind of want to drill into him that part of this problems expansion is his fault as he stopped me from going as a teen and he bullied me out of going to the Dr unless I thought it was "serious" and I was "dying." It's not just to hurt him but to give myself the satisfaction of telling him that all the times he told me I was a liar and overexaggerating my pain? My pain was real. I want him to know I've been hurting. Because the only one he would ever believe about my problems would be a Dr, that he'd not let me see or discouraged me from seeing. I was a broke kid who he then later dumped off of his insurance because I had to use it more than him. And despite him having all these problems requiring surgery in his own body, he believed I was lying about being unable to do the same things he can. If yall need more info and examples, I'd be down to add another ask. Just, would I be an asshole? Is it petty, or justice in finding my own peace? And if anyone has any advice, i would like to have ideas of how to go about this. Thank you all for reading.⭐️

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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lively-potter · 2 months

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— moon struck ; part 7

— genre ; strangers to friends to lovers, kinda grumpy x sunshine, fluff, angst, smut, angst with a happy ending 🥹

— warnings ; body insecurities ( mentioned ), eating disorder ( mentioned ), oc deals with a severe amount of anxiety and panic attacks, violence, smut ( later ), FLUFF, love struck jungkookie 🥹

— find me on Wattpad ; LivelyPotter

— word count ; 2.4k

— intro , part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

— taglist ; @ahgasegotarmy116 @jk97bam

river's pov ; three pm

My stomach grumbled lowly, but I paid it no mind.

Instead, I turned my awe filled eyes down to a sleeping Moon – who decided to make my boobs her pillow.

Sang smiled softly at me and layed her head on my shoulder. "Brandon's planning on stopping by and staying with you while I'm gone helping Corey and Raven with an assignment."

"So he'll be staying with me for pickup?' relief relaxed my body. With Brandon here, I knew I wouldn't be as terrified as I would be if I was alone. My brother is one of the only people who who really calm me down and give me strength when I felt like I was failing ( but where Jungkook was concerned, I definitely was ).

Sang giggled, "He will. So you won't have to face Jungkook alone."

I tightened my hold on Moon, just holding the adorable baby just a little bit closer to me. Her little lips smacked sleepily when she nuzzled against my boobs.

I shook my head in amusement. Adorable baby.

"Yeah." That was totally true.

A flush decorated my cheeks when my mind went back to the dream I had. And hours before that; when my hands got burned.

Speaking of burned hands, the blisters had gotten way better after Sean stopped by the house this morning and applied some ointment onto my hands and wrapped them. According to him, I could take the bandages off tonight – but as of right now, I needed to let the ointment sink into my skin.

Gently rocking Moon back and forth, my thumb rubbed over her little rosy cheek in awe, completely in love with this adorable, sweet baby.

I hummed lowly, hugging her against my chest.

Sang watched the scene in front of her with a large sweet smile and took a seat beside me on the beanbag.

"So...has he texted you anymore?"

You just had to go there, didn't you?

I avoided her eyes, feeling my cheeks head, and decided to give my attention to Moon.

"Uh, yeah." I admitted, a shy grin coming over my lip – hiding from her. "A little bit."

"Like what?" her tone was teasing.

"...well he said it was okay that I replied a day or so late...and he apologized again for the whole oven incident even though it wasn't his fault." I explained, "It was mine. I wasn't paying attention when I should have and stupidly grabbed the freaking pan with my bare hands."

"Maybe he just wants to keep the conversation going," she said, "We all know he likes you–seems very interested—"

"River doesn't need all that in her life, sweetie." Brandon made his appearance. I sucked in a sharp breath, holding Moon tighter against me as my heart thumped crazily. She shifted a little in my arms, but otherwise remained unbothered.

"Shit!" Sang clutched her heart with widened eyes, "Where did you come from?" she asked her boyfriend. Brandon grinned and dropped a brown paper bag on the low table in front of me.

"Eat, Riv." he pointed to me, cerulean blue eyes drifting towards Sang. "I walked through the door. You just didn't notice me come in." he snickered, dropping a kiss on her lips.

While they greeted one another, I couldn't help but think over his words. River doesn't need all that in her life. He can't decide for me. Annoyance burned my insides causing me to glare at my brother out of the corner of my eye.

I held onto Moon gently, protectively, shielding her from my brother's eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" I couldn't help but snap – the anger in my voice couldn't be ignored.

Bradon and Sang's head swiveled in my direction, eyes widened at my anger. I glared at my brother, warning him to spew even more shit.

Brandon opened and closed his mouth, searching for something today. Meanwhile Sang moved to stand behind him, rifling through some paperwork, hiding a pleased smirk. I knew she was listening closer than Brandon thought she was.

Just who did he think he was?

Don't get me wrong – I loved my brother and I'm grateful for all he's done to me. But he doesn't get to control my life. He doesn't get to decide what's bad or good for me without my consent.

"Well?" I insisted, eyes squinting, prodding at him to say something.

Brandon sighed heavily and leveled me with stern glare. "I'm only looking out for you, River." he said, peeking down at the child in my arms. "You're almost twenty years old – young, you have an entire beautiful life ahead of you...and Jungkook...well..." he hesitated for a slight moment.

I nodded at him to continue, my anger not leaving but rising.

"The man is twenty-six years old. He's divorced and has a baby, River. He's basically already went through life, if you really think about it — marriage, kids, collage — you name it — he's probably experienced it. And if you ever decided to be in a relationship with him, you'll always be fifth in line to him, River. He's got his daughter to think of, his family, his job, and his ex-fucking-wife. Do you want to got through life knowing you'll always be fifth to him?"

Emotion clogged my throat.

Fifth.

That hurt. Way more than it should – especially if it was Brandon saying it.

Yeah. Jungkook didn't really need to add me and my problems in his life at this point. I wouldn't be any good for Jungkook, anyway. He's way too good for someone like me.

My brother's face crumbled in sadness, knowing that his words hurt. By now, Sang watched me over Brandon's shoulder sadly, her usual happy eyes dimming. My eyes slightly glossed over and before I could lost even more control over my emotions, I turned my face downwards and watched Moon.

Fifth.

"...I'm sorry, Pixie." Brandon spoke sadly, "It's just–you're my little sister...and I want you to be happy...and I...I don't want you to be fifth to anyone. Ever. You deserve to be loved, cherished, thought of constantly...and you deserve a fresh start in life. Where you can meet someone, fall in love, get married – and hell, even have babies of your own. Your own family." he said, patting the top of my head, eyes watching me closely. "I just don't want you regretting anything years later without thinking everything through."

I nodded quietly.

"Yeah." I forced out, making my eyes never waver from Moon's face. I sought comfort in her cuddles and in her presence while the air between my brother and I grew stifling.

But, as I sat there, in my own world, the insecure thoughts that constantly plagued me for most of my life broke out from the box I had shut them in years ago.

The feelings of those emotions and thoughts was overwhelming, and every limb shook.

It was even harder to breathe than normal.

I sucked in lungfuls of air slowly, to not arouse suspicion in my brother and anchored myself to Moon to grasp ahold of myself.

river's pov ; five pm

Two hours passed by slowly.

And I was sinking further into myself, allowing those same emotions that tore me down, time and time again, chip away at the shields I used to protect myself.

I was in a daze – hardly becoming alert to anything.

Even Jungkook.

My eyes were blank from emotion when he walked inside with a bright grin and a happy disposition, finding me instantly. I silently handed him a happy Moon and walked away to pack her bag.

His smile dimmed and his eyes grew confused at my odd actions.

Brandon followed after me closely, hardly allowing me personal space as he spoke calming words into my ears. I was close to wanting to shut down and blank out for a while.

Jungkook watched me closely, his chunky combat boots thumping heavily on the ground when I hugged Brandon in thanks, Moon's backpack in my hand, before resuming my stride to him.

"So, uh, how was she?" Jungkook scratched at the back of his neck, sending me a shy smile, boba eyes gleaming when I focused my attention on him.

I forced a tiny smile and avoided his eyes, feeling agony flare inside my heart.

Why did this hurt so bad? I wasn't fully sure if I really really liked him. But now I would have to let him go and move on with my life.

Isn't this happening too fast and not crash down on me so suddenly?

"She was perfect." I ground out, wanting nothing more to cuddle into his waist, like Moon, and sob. Even though I avoided him like the plague, I still knew more than I ought to about him, so I knew that he was good at comforting people. And he was warm. So warm. Maybe it would melt away the ice that seemed to make my limbs grow stiff and cold. "...As always."

Anyone could detect the hidden sadness in my voice.

Why was I acting like this in front of him? I didn't want to.

Stupid heart. Stupid emotions. Stupid me.

Jungkook hoisted his little daughter further up his chest and watched me, perfectly dark arched brow drawing together, silver piercing catching the light. His pink lips parted, licking at the double hoops threaded through his lips and gulped slightly.

"What's wrong, River?" he asked softly, voice growing quieter when he took a step closer to me, the toes of his shoes softly touching mine. His tattooed hand carefully reached out and stopped inches from my own, hesitating.

Oh god.

With him watching me with such a soft look in his eyes, the feelings I tried so hard to mask, to hide, to disappear, came upon me in less than a second. They hit me harder than I could have ever imagined – and I stumbled back, fingers tingling with the effort to not reach out and brush my hand along his.

All I could seem to think about was him. Him. Him. Him. Him.

I sucked in a sharp breath, tears stinging my eyes as another thought hit me.

Brandon's words.

My own insecurities.

I was fooling myself into thinking–...nevermind.

I would be nothing but a burden to him – he's got enough to worry about.

Wouldn't be good for him.

No.

"I'm fine." I whispered weakly.

I'm not. I'm really not. Just hold me and make me forget everything.

Please.

It hurts.

It became harder to breathe. My lungs expanded to gulp down more air, but it was a futile effort. My knees shook underneath my weight.

If I didn't get out of here soon, I'd fall.

Everything I'd been trying so hard to push away, came crashing down the moment I was in his presence, walls down for the first time in years. Brandon's words damaged them...I was weak, healing, in the process of rebuilding...and then he came in.

And tore them down. Completely.

I was vulnerable.

My eyes met his in a silent plead.

I just wanted to go home and cuddle with Kingston.

Hold me. Make me forget. It hurts.

"River?" His strong, gentle voice made me break even more. It took every ounce of strength inside my body not to crumble. "Nae Sarang, what's the matter?"

I cried a little more on the inside.

Moon sleepily nuzzled into Jungkook neck's and cutely tugged on the multiple earrings in his ears, momentarily taking his attention. "Shhh, baby, just a moment." he cooed to his baby, nuzzling his nose with hers, worry still apparent in his eyes when he turned his eyes to me.

My limbs grew colder. I was reminded. I shouldn't bring him into my problems. He didn't deserve that. He's got sweet little Moon and his own life to worry about. Fifth. Fifth. Fifth.

Despite the agony within my heart and in my soul, I blinked away the tears.

"I have to close in a few minutes." my voice didn't sound like my own. It was detached and just plain sad.

And even he noticed.

His doe eyes grew panicked and he slowly nodded, "...oh...okay." he let out, body towering over mine. I could still feel him peeking down at me shyly as I died just a little more on the inside.

He licked his lips again and swallowed, big hand falling onto Moon's back, rubbing her little shoulders gently. Looking like he was thinking of what to say, I backed away.

I have to get out of here. Away from him. Gain control of myself.

Jungkook took a step after me, and although he looked shy – which contrasted to his appearance – he looked determined.

"No." he spoke firmly, yet gentle, "You're not fine, Nae Sarang." I gulped as the tears stung my eyes once more. Jungkook saw my eyes glaze over and stopped. His stern expression crumbled, and now he only looked worried.

"How about you come with Moon and I...to the italian restaurant and we'll talk, yeah?"

My head bowed as a tear fled my eye and dropped onto the top of his shiny black combat boot. A sniffle left my nose, and i berated myself for it.

"...I..." it was going to hurt saying this. "I...can't." I shook my head and turned around so my back faced him. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

I couldn't stand to be in this room any longer.

I ran out of the room, baspassing my distressed brother, and hightailed it to the bathroom at the back of the building.

My body shook with the effort.

I sobbed quietly into my hands and slid to the ground, unable to hold myself up any longer. My heart beat unnaturally fast – too fast.

I wrapped my arms around my knees and fought to catch my breath.

The tears just wouldn't stop flowing.

My arms and legs trembled violently in my grip, and I felt like I was losing myself.

In the throes of my misfortune, familiar arms wound around me and cradled my face.

"Shhh, River." cerculean blue eyes gazed into my own – only theirs were more panicked than mine was.

"Breathe, Riv – you gotta breathe."

"Brandon." his name left my mouth in a shallow gasp. I clutched onto his shirt and let him ground me for the time being. "Brandon." I sniffled, severely out of breath.

I laid against him, entirely exhausted by everything.

Brandon picked up my limp body and carried me outside while I watched the sky darken with only one thought on my mind.

My eyes were now opened.

author's note ; ✨

🥲

#jeon jungkook #bts fanfic #jungkook x oc #bts jungkook #wattpad #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jeon jungguk #jungkook x original character #dilf jungkook #moonstruck

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miseryoforpheus · 1 month

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a letter to my grandmother

(dear lord me and my body insecurities. Anyway so I wrote a poem about them instead of going to sleep at a reasonable time :D. This one is not very good it is PURELY in existence for me to process and work thru shit.

oh ALSO. CW: if you have an eating disorder/ would be triggered by that type of thing. Yeah maybe give this one a skip. I don’t actually have an eating disorder but there’s a lot of heavy referencing to them and to guilt from eating and to my grandma being a little shit about weight and to some behaviour of mine that I think may be body checking but I’m not really sure…

also for the record in no way am I being or trying to be fatphobic. I’m absolutely not I promise I’m just voicing a lot of internalised stuff I have been told. So yeah I think that’s maybe it for warnings?)

like I said don’t judge it’s not a proper poem

I wish I was pretty

It doesn’t matter for anyone else

For them I don’t care

I don’t judge

I’m not you

But I’m ugly

Clearly and markedly flawed

I have stretch marks see? There and there and my thighs touch and spread when I sit and a double chin when I look down and my belly doesn’t lie flat, it rounds slightly

Sometimes I’m scared I look pregnant

I know I shouldn’t be

And I know I don’t

But that doesn’t make how I feel any less true

And I wish I didn’t care, Fuck I wish that

But it matters when you tell me that I’m pretty

Instead you tell me that I used to be pretty

Back when I was skinny

I wish eating didn’t make me want to cry

I wish you had never sat me down on your knee as a child and told me to be scared of gaining weight because how could anyone possibly love me if my hips curve?

I wish you didn’t make it sound so easy when you tell me about how if I just try harder I can do it

It is easy though isn’t it?

If I just eat a little less and work out a little more

And water is fulfilling too

And Diet Coke has no calories

If I tried

If I wasn’t as lazy

Or as weak-willed

I could do it

I want to do it sometimes

Live off ice and gum and water and sweeteners till I’m sick and pretty

It’s not so scary when you think about it enough

I’m not strong enough to though, that’s probably a good thing from an outside perspective

Thing is I’m not on the outside and it’s not a good thing to me

I wish you hadn’t done it to my mother too

Wish I hadn’t grown up in a house where she did tell me I was pretty

But only when I was prettier than someone else

‘You’re pretty’ she’ll tell me ‘you’re skinnier than me’

‘You’re pretty’ she’ll tell me ‘just look at how ugly that girl is’

I wish she wouldn’t tell me that if I just try harder I can do it

That if I stop tying my hair back to look like a little boy then I can do it

That if I wear the clothes she thinks I should wear

That if I wear the clothes she would wear if she had a body like mine

I wish every meal wasn’t tainted with the guilt of unfulfilled potential

I wish I wasn’t scared of mirrors and the way my skin folds when I pose in them

Or pictures where i smile and see how round my face is

That ugly ugly smile

The squint you hoped would get trained out of me

The same one that she said made my eyes look small and my lips look thin

She became you in a way, the other side to a rotten coin

I’m scared I’m becoming you too

My biggest fear should not be to be like you

I love you, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get so annoyed

It’s hard though, see?

Because

I wish I was pretty

And

I wish it didn’t matter

And

I wish I didn’t care

And

I wish it wasn’t your fault

#the most boring soap opera #original poem #venting poetry

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allthesunlightwecansee · 8 months

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Vent about “Psychic” Interaction

I’m mostly posting this because I want to see if anyone else has had the same experience. I went to a somewhat local metaphysical store yesterday and had a pretty frustrating experience with someone claiming to be a psychic. Full disclaimer, I fully believe some people have advanced psychic and medium abilities to where they are able to read people, but this woman clearly did not. To start with, I didn’t ask for a reading, I just wanted to know if the shop had a specific stone I was looking for and then she just started reading me before I fully knew what was going on. She had some general advice that was helpful, but was really off base with a lot of what she was “reading,” and I answered no to a lot of her questions and assumptions because they were not true. She kept coming back to animals for some reason, even though I kept saying that I had no strong reaction to what she was asking, before finally telling me that she saw me in a past life as someone who was skinning and preparing animal hides, not for commercial sale but to eat and make clothing out of, which would have been normal at the time she was describing.

That was weird, but whatever, but then she got to the shitty part. I had mentioned at one point that I have a connective tissue disorder because I was looking for a stone for my healing altar, and she proceeds to tell me that my disability is a PUNISHMENT for what she saw me doing in a past life. I wish I could’ve told her off instead of just leaving, because there is so much wrong with that. Even if that is something you truly believe for whatever reason, you DO NOT tell someone that a medical condition beyond their control (mine is genetic, everyone in my immediate family has it too) is a punishment for being a bad person. That sucks so fucking badly to be told that something like that is your fault. I know that none of what she “read” is true, but damn did that make me feel awful. Like I said, I don’t actually believe she has enough psychic ability to read people, but hearing that really sucked and you should not say shit like that to another person.

#paganism #witchcraft #rant #mini rant #psychic #medium #psychic abilities #metaphysical #tarot #divination #disabilties #disability #ehlers danlos syndrome

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simpliao · 1 year

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let you break my heart again ; (irl) schlatt x reader

summary : silly to think he ever belonged to you.

info : based upon the song of the same name by the ever gorgeous Laufey, and shouldn't be by Luke Chiang, i love them both amazing songs that I completely recommend. cheating, depressive themes, mention of disordered eating, angst, I cried while writing this.

a/n : I have been so busy, and totally not based on experience lmao. I just needed to vent, so I hope you enjoy and can feel the hurt I'm currently going through <3 I'll see you guys in another four months

Shouldn't be.

Love shouldn't hurt this much. It shouldn't be killing me this much on the inside.

'maybe next week n/n, you know I'm busy.'

The message was all too familiar, barely legible as the world only became blurrier as tears flooded my eyes. My throat closed up, and I could only muster to text back as I always have.

'it's no problem! Can't wait for next week then :)'

I knew this song and dance would only follow into next week, my message left read and unanswered for what I know would be another dry answer hours in the future.

Laid upon a dishevelled bed, my eyes flickered my glance to my side, golden hour having already passed and no more light seeped into my room. My apartment for so many weeks deafly silent, my mind playing cruel tricks upon my heart when I could have sworn I heard his laugh echo off these walls. Always nothing more than a cope for what we've become, the sound of my own breathing and distant city sounds being my only comfort.

When that comfort used to me his arms, his hold, the gentle kisses upon my forehead and admissions of how beautiful he found me to be. No longer have I felt that way, not since. Just thinking about him causes me to choke back a sob, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Not after I told myself I'd go with the flow, if he didn't care I wouldn't either.

He. Burnt auburn hair I still remember glowing when we'd drive out to the countryside to get a better view of the sunset at eight. Stupid jokes he'd make that would always draw a laugh out of me, his smile burnt in all corners of my mind; to only now haunt me every time I closed my eyes. He still stayed, even if I knew the same couldn't be said on his side.

I knew I shouldn't be doing this right now.

Leaving myself occupied in my mind, letting myself drown in thoughts and memories. If I were to shift my eyes I'd be able to see the school project sitting upon my desk, waiting to be done. And yet here I was, eyes permanently fixated upon the ceiling with my AirPods at its highest volume. Caught up in looking back.

He promised me to always be honest, that I was his and he was in turn mine. Those empty promises almost as empty as my stomach, the attempt of trying to get the sustenance into my body made me sick. Something would trigger of memory of us, and whatever sorry attempt at a meal I've managed to scrape together would be doused in salty tears; inedible. So empty I felt, I should have known; it's my fault.

He never had the best reputation. Twitter would have said 'told you so', Jeremiah Schlatt was never seen as a saint in the online sphere. When it came out that the two of us were friends, it shocked the community. Who would think? Two opposites would have such chemistry. Someone as blunt, sarcastic and cynical could pair so well with someone known to be so sweet, genuine.

That's all he ever wanted people to think, I question now if that's all he wanted us to be– with benefits to him.

Empty promises that when this or that would be sorted out, or when he'd be done planning something special he'd be ready to take on the responsibility. Everyone knew him to be the non-committal type, and yet he whispered into the cuff of my ear in our most intimate moments that he was mine– and mine alone.

And I supposed I was the fool to believe him.

From hours to days left on delivered, mute excuses to follow and never ending cancelled plans. We weren't together, yet he still gave the vague illusion that it was so. The use of private nicknames gave the feeling of being significant to him, and yet what we did behind closed doors was kept a tight-knit secret.

Now even wrapped up in comforters and bundled up in my warmest sweaters I still felt so cold, where his arms and warmth used to envelop now are permanently, bitterly frigid. The only thing keeping me going was foolish hope that I knew kept me foolish.

He wasn't coming back, not so long as he had my friends wrapped around his fingers. Pretending to not hear his flirty remarks while they giggled without knowing a thing ate me up from the inside.

I'd never say a thing either, lest I become the bad guy. Why couldn't I let him talk with his friends? Why couldn't he get time alone? His world didn't revolve around me so why are you acting crazy? You're wrong. We aren't even together... yet.

That last word used to tease and keep me in place, if I was good then that yet could become a maybe, and down the road a yes. I knew this was bullshit, meant to keep me where he wanted me. So he can feign guilt and use me all over again. I knew what I was, I was a toy for his amusement.

And I knew it all. I knew he didn't care about me, how his words would hurt, how he would lead me on with no more intentions than just a bit of fooling around. His eyes would wander, and a part of me hoped he'd never come back.

Because if he did I'd act the same, scared of being a nuisance, scared of being called mean names or seeing his gentle features turned malicious. I needed time for myself, and I knew I needed to cut him off to heal the scars he's left upon my heart. Keeping him close only hurt so much more, but it was a choice between loneliness or... More loneliness.

Until then, however, I'll just let you break my heart all over again.

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lythea-creation · 2 months

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I Love Her More - Hiba x fem reader (Chapter 2)

Previous Chapter

warnings: mentions of eating disorder

word count: 862

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(f/n)'s PoV

Back in class I noticed Hiba's absence. Despite her ruff attitude I knew that this was not like her.

I wondered if anything had happened between Hiba and Tasneem. That would explain why Tasneem had been upset as well.

My eyes wandered over to her to see if she was worrying about Hiba, too.

The sad expression on her face when she switched between looking at me and Hiba's empty seat revealed that she was somehow in on this.

After a while I just could not sit still anymore. The minutes ticking by were feeling like hours. So I asked to go to the bathroom and started searching for Hiba.

Luckily I already had a suggestion where she might be. She had a favorite hiding place where she secretly disappeared when something was bothering her.

So I walked straight to that and found Hiba sitting there with her head placed on her knees.

“Hey, Hiba”, I called out softly.

Her head snapped up at my voice. “(f/n), what are you doing here?”

“What do you think? I was searching for you. You didn't come to class”, I pointed out.

A smirk crept onto her face. “Oh, how cute. You missed me already”, she teased me.

She had been crying, but I decided not to mention it.

“Wanna get back to class?”, I suggested.

“Nah. You can go back if you want”, she remarked.

“I won't leave without you”, I proclaimed and sat down next to her. “Remember last week when we were in the mall and you yelled at that guy?”

“Of course I do”, she recalled with a chuckle. “He was obviously staring at you. He wasn't so cocky anymore when I confronted him though.”

“Yeah. My hero”, I noted smiling. “I never have to worry when you're around. But you really didn't have to start a fight with my cousin on my birthday.”

“Hey, he deserved it”, she justified herself. “He was stealing the show from you on your own birthday.”

“True. But you didn't have to make him cry”, I considered.

“Not my fault that he's so sensitive”, she declared. “You deserve that somebody's fighting for you.”

“Thanks Hiba”, I uttered, a soft smile adorning my face.

“God! You're so cute”, she proposed, making me blush.

That did not exactly improve when her face got closer and she even cupped my cheek.

“Hiba, what …?”

She interrupted me with a kiss and I could not help but freeze. I had not expected her to like me back, had put her flirting off as flirting for fun.

But after a few seconds I unfroze and kissed her back.

“What the hell?”, Tasneem exclaimed.

I jumped at Tasneem's sudden loud voice, in the process moving away from Hiba.

“How could you do that to me?”, Tasneem called out.

“Do what to you? It's not my fault that you're too chicken to make a move”, she shot back.

“So our friendship doesn't even matter?”, Tasneem inquired.

“What friendship? You made yourself pretty clear that you couldn't stand me anyway. So why bother?”

I was utterly confused. What were they even talking about?

They continued yelling at each other, while I was stuck in the middle, contemplating what to do.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down before telling them to stop. To my surprise it actually worked out.

But now that they were both looking at me expectantly I did not quite know what to say. It felt like I was moving in a mine field, every wrong word could blow it all up.

“What is all of this even about?”, I wondered.

The two of them exchanged a glare before Hiba enlightened me: “We both love you, (f/n). More than a friend.”

I stared at them in shock.

“But you kissed me back”, Hiba noted.

“You did?”, Tasneem reassured, her voice trembling.

“Yeah, I … I did”, I confirmed. “Tasneem, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“It's not your fault. I guess I should go then”, she declared and left.

I was torn between running after her and giving her space. But after finding out about her eating disorder I could not just wait and do nothing.

“So … did the kiss mean what I think it did?”, Hiba reassured.

She was grinning at me, but I knew that the insecurity was eating her up until my answer.

“Yes, it does”, I assured her and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

“I hope you don't get me wrong”, I claimed. “But I really need to check up on Tasneem now. I'm scared she might do something reckless. She's still my best friend after all.”

Hiba avoided my eyes as she was nodding.

“Hey”, I uttered softly, cupping her cheek. “I want you, okay? I promise. There's no need to feel insecure or jealous.”

“Of course not.” She scoffed.

I sent her a smile before running after Tasneem, hoping that I would not be too late.

------------------------

So what do you guys think? How do you like the story? What about the different versions?

Tag List: @sunwoniie

#al rawabi school for girls #tasneem #hiba x reader #female reader #lgbtqia #mentions of eating disorder #romance #angst #fluff #drama

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alice-drysdale · 7 months

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Guidance (part 1)

This is about Tom Hiddleston who’s playing a High-school teacher and an OC of mine Alice.

No one is allowed to copy my story’s or translate them!

Warnings: underaged drinking, suicidal thoughts, abusive behavior, toxic parenting, eating disorder

Her body wakes up every day on its own accord. Her room is cold. Her window is broken and the cool wind blows inside the room 24/7. She had the same sheets for one and a half years now. Because nobody washes them. Ands Her family doesn’t own a washing machine.

She walked to her closet and pulls out a T-Shirt and pants. Dressing herself as fast as she can. She puts a bit make up on, mascara and blush, just to feel a little pretty like the girls in her class. She brushed her ginger hair and leaves it open flowing to her shoulders.

She walked down the stairs as quiet as she can, she doesn’t want her parents to wake up and scream at her again for being too loud.

She makes herself something to eat for lunch later even tho she doesn’t really want to eat anything after being Called “way to fat” for the 100th time yesterday because she didn’t fit into her 7th grade clothes anymore.

She put on some shoes, her jacket and went out and starts to walk to school.

School.

For some it’s a nice way to meet up with your friends every day and hang out with them. For some it’s an annoying place where you get grades for a few sentences you have to write down on a pice of paper.

But for Alice it was a way to escape the hurtful acts and words from her parents. She doesn’t want to sugarcoat it. School is still extremely stressful and hard sometimes. But still better then “home”.

She’s doesn’t have any real friends but at least no one bully’s her. Maybe it’s even her own fault that she doesn’t got friends. Always staying away from social events, never trying to talk to anyone but always hiding.

The only person she somehow interacts with is a teacher in her school but never had him as a teacher herself. She doesn’t even know what he teaches. But he seemed nice.

It started 3 weeks ago when Alice set in the library even tho it was lunch time. She set down at a table in a corner looking something up on her phone.

That was when he walked past her. „hello” he said. Alice escaped a little „Hi” putting the phone away. Because teachers don’t like to see students on their phones.

He set Down at a different table pulling out a folder with a lot of papers and a small lunch box.

This little interaction, the “Hello” was something she looked forward too every day. She doesn’t know why. But it was a nice act. Just like today.

He came in and she was sitting at her usual table. „Hello” „Hi” he sits down but doesn’t pull out his lunch box wich was unusual. And suddenly she felt a kind of bravery she never felt before. She stands up nervously and walked to the table he was sitting at.

„Is it okay if I sit here?” She asked quietly. He looked up at her surprised but gave her a small smile „of course”. She set down and plays with her hands breaking the silence again.

„Where Is your lunch sir?” He looked up confused „pardon?” She was really nervous now „um… I just- you always got lunch with you but now you don’t I was just confused why… ” the more she talked the quieter she got. She’s so fucking stupid. Why would she asked something so dumb

But he chuckles and he noticed that she got nervous and wanting to put her at ease „you are right usually I got lunch with me, but I had a lot of stress this morning and forgot it on my kitchen counter”

„oh no” she giggled. She pulled something out of her bag. It’s a a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s a bit mushed but she offered it to him. „ I know it doesn’t really look appetizing but it tastes good.”

Tom looked at the girl and smiled at her „that’s very kind of you but I can’t take a students lunch my dear” he laughed. She looked at him with big green eyes. „why not?” She asked.

„Well you need something to eat too we don’t want you to be hungry the whole day hmm?“ she put it on the table nodding but not eating it.

„If I may ask what are you teaching sir?” Alice asked curious. „English and sports I’m Mr Hiddleston and you are?” „I’m Alice Bielefeld”

„Bielefeld? Sounds German” he asked „yeah my father is German” she said. „wow can you speak German?” Tom asked curious. „yes I can, but not as good as my father though”

The bell rung and she stood up „have a great day mr Hiddleston I have to go to my next class now” he nodded „of course goodbye Alice“

She walked to her next class with a smile on her face hoping he will eat the sandwich she left on the table.

And in deed he did.

——————————————————————————

wow part 1 is done :D ! If you have any wishes or suggestions how the story should carry on don’t be shy and write me! if you want to get tagged in the next part write your name in the comments!

#tom hiddelston imagine #tom hiddleston #my ocs #tom hiddelston x reader #loki mcu #loki #guidence #own story #do not copy

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l0lz1ez-x3 · 5 months

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okay so uh. venting here because my vents in my discord server are so common no one really pays attention anymore (so fucking stupid because then they expect me to respond to theirs.)

tw/cw; verbal abuse, threats of physical abuse, mentions of eating disorders, and emotional abuse (maybe mental to!! gotta love my mom.)

honestly I'm so fucking done. I'm tired of this, I just want a break. I need a break. it's been fucking 6 years and 3 months, I can barely do this anymore. i literally hate my mom, she's exhausting. short context; she started fat shaming and verbally abusing me when I was 7 (which was also around the time that I started getting heavily bullied. yay.) and surprise, surprise! it's still going on. I don't even know what I did, it was like just one day she switched completely honestly. she's rarely physically abusive thank God but when she is then it's questionable. either random shit like smacking me for no goddamn reason or shoving an entire plate of buffalo wings and ranch in my face because I asked her to give me a second and she "didn't hear me" and thought I was being "disrespectful". (this happened last year around Christmas time and the next day she acted like nothing happened and said it was MY fault.)

I literally never do anything wrong, I do my homework on time and if I miss a day then I make up for it and I do extra, my rooms always clean, I always help take care of the dogs and other animals, I help clean and cook, and other small things like getting things she can't reach, watching the dogs when she goes out, helping when my grandfather falls (despite him being a pedophile.) yet all I get in return as a thank you is fucking abuse. pure and utter verbal and emotional abuse for no reason while she favorites my brother. it's so fucking stupid honestly I'm tired of the threats from her saying she'll literally beat me for no reason, she'll get rid of my dog (I say mine because he's only here because I beg her to keep him because he was around when my now dead dog was, and he means a lot to me.), or saying she'll burn, throw away, or cut up my crochet, clay, resin, and knitted projects that I spend weeks to months on. and if it's not that then it's the verbal abuse, calling me rude names and fat shaming me for simply eating a little more than usual, or blaming me for shit I didn't do, yelling at me for no reason, calling me rude shit when I cry, telling me she'll "give me something to cry about" and raising her hand like she'll hit me. yet she wonders why I flinch so much around her. or why I stay in my room, or don't want to talk to her. every time I bring this up to her in a mature way she'll just tell me I should be "grateful" because she's a "great mom" and that IM the abusive one. and, just to clarify, I rarely talk to her. if she asks me anything I literally just answer with "okay", "mhm", "no", or "yeah I know".

change of subject, so, I have POTS syndrome and that means my heart rate changes drastically and my blood pressure drops when I change positions from sitting to standing or from laying to sitting, and when I push myself to do more difficult things like running or lifting heavy things (the change in blood pressure and heart rate can make me really dizzy or I can just straight up whiteout. it's scary when that happens but I've learnt to deal with it for the most part) and she uses that against me along with my autism, saying they're my fault because I "wasn't born this way" and it's my fault because I'm "so overweight". heads up, my heart doctor literally TOLD HER MULTIPLE TIMES that symptoms of POTS show up in the teen to young adult age and have a chance of going away, and for the weight? literally an endocrinologist told her multiple times that my weight is fine and she shouldn't focus on that, because guess what? the things affecting me the most right now is high testosterone and my slight Insulin resistance WHICH RUNS IN BOTH SIDES OF THE FUCKING FAMILY. and quick mention, I'm the healthiest out of my entire family. yet she'll still obsess over this shit. it's tiring, I've already had an eating disorder when I was around 10 because of the heavy fat shaming which lead me to STARVE MYSELF. then I got better from that and she started restricting my food to less than what I NEEDED so I had to hide food in my room to eat when I'd get hunger pains FROM NOT EATING and if she'd find them when she'd search my room? threats of physical abuse, yelling, verbal abuse, and her yet again bodyshaming me and calling me a hog or a pig.

on the topic of weight loss or eating disorders, I've lost over 27 pounds in the span of 3 months. not by choice, but because of her forcing me to work out. when she's been told by two different doctors that my weight ISNT THE ISSUE. it's fucking disgusting. she's disgusting. disgusting and a piece of shit. I just want to be happy, I want to feel appreciated and loved again instead of like I do now. I can't even fucking remember the last time I had any type of affection that wasn't from people online, I'm tired. I'm just so, so tired. I need this to end soon before I end up doing something stupid again. I don't want to fuck up again :(

#vent #tw verbal abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw abuse #im tired #i need a break #i need to be sedated #i just want to be loved #i hate her #im sorry #this is a waste of time.#rant

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shadowxamyweek · 2 years

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So... I run this blog, yeah? This one, a ShadAmy ship blog, in the good year of our lord 2022.

Why?

I like the ship. You say, 'yeah no shit dumbass,' but I really like the ship. It is the ship that formulated a blueprint for my fleet of favorite ships all under one flag. It is my ship of dreams.

And I'm not someone who grew up with Archie, which is where a lot of old-school shippers come from. I knew ABOUT Archie and what I knew scared me. Even post-reboot, I didn't want to touch it. I was firmly entrenched in the games and the games only (to a large degree, I still am. They are the only actual 'canon' in my opinion, no matter the many cool things IDW and Archie may have done.)

I'm also not someone who just wants to see their fave in a cute ship. They're both favorites of mine -I like them both separately just as much as I like them together.

So why the fuck did I love these two characters together so much when they hardly even talk?

This moment.

Because it was always going to be this moment.

I'm about ten years of age playing this game, my mind being totally blown by the plot and the characters, and it all comes to a grinding halt... to talk.

But me liking this scene didn't happen right away.

It happened in stages.

(Trigger warning. Heads up for mild mentions of gaslighting and issues with eating disorders. Shit you not, this is canon to their history.)

Part 1- Why do I like Shadow?

I knew from the start I liked Shadow.

There's something about a character that is not a 'nice person,' but they are, very much, a 'good person.' They are, in their own way, trying very hard to do the right thing.

Shadow was designed as a weapon, first and foremost. That's what G.U.N. wanted them for and that's how Gerald found his funding, even if he was also designing Shadow to be a cure/aid for Maria on the sly. Shadow went through a lot of hell because of that. Yet regardless of his history, he still makes the decision to get up every day and do his best to solve whatever situation is in front of him, bit by bit, striving steady forward to make the world a better place.

Too often, the messy, personal business of having to recognize your faults is minimized for the protagonist and amplified for everyone else that they are with. Especially in recent media (last 10-years ish, in my opinion,) you don't get a lot of protags that might not be likable all the time. You don't have that moment where they realize what they have done, are reeling from guilt and self loathing and shame, and have to make the conscious effort to do better.

But Shadow is.

This is a character who was gaslight (actual genuine memory manipulation with malicious intention I CANNOT make this shit up), fed a lie for purpose, their personality weaponized. Their love turned into an atomic bomb.

Then, they had to unlearn that and become themselves again.

I want more heroes like that. I want heroes that were or could have been villains, and instead of and dying in a last redemptive act (as if it makes up for everything they have done), they live... and they have to keep living. They have to keep learning. They have to be... you know... people.

I know a lot of people debate over whether or not Shadow as actually suppose to stay dead after SA2, and in everything I have read, the evidence seems inconclusive. Either way, I'm glad they brought him back. I'm glad they made him live and learn (pun intended) and choose to be better. Not as a weapon, not as a cure, but as themself.

That makes for a great story and character study. That's always the sort of thing I want to sink my teeth into and stay awake reading and rereading and coming back to it with new eyes.

Furthermore, Shadow... well, they are a person who scares people. The design, the demeanor, the articulation (or lack thereof) in regards to motivation and thought. It doesn't matter if they mean to, it happens.

And they're fine with it.

They don't need to be verbal all the time. They don't need to understand social cues or unspoken rules. They are allowed to go off and stare at nothing and think in the quiet because it's comfortable. This guy was living my fucking dream.

Also, Shadow was also my first introduction to Nonbinary Thoughts that I had ever seen. This person walks in with their highlights and eyeliner and fluffy self with their dope kicks and sweet color pallet and a cool voice and I had all sorts of joy lighting up inside me. This was like glam rock. This was like seeing Mercury or Lennox for the first time, or realizing that sometimes, the chick-parts in theater productions are played by boys and the dude-parts are played by girls. I dunno how else it put it. It's the moment you go, 'ooooh,' before you flip the flimsy table that the binary gender code has placed itself upon.

This fantasy hedgehog bastard and I have a lot in common, and I've leaned on that a couple of times to remind myself I'm not alone because, for the longest time... I didn't know any living people who had gone through what I had. I have since found friends over time with similar situations, and they all mean the world to me, but Shadow for years was the imaginary friend of a lonely kid who scared the other kids.

That means a lot to me.

Part 2- Why do I like Amy?

I use to not like Amy.

(As such, the order of thought for this segment is going to be different. Sorry in advance.)

I hasn't played any other Sonic game before SA2, so my first encounter with her was not the best. I didn't understand why she was here. I didn't understand why she acted the way she did. I didn't like her voice actor, or her dialog lines, or how she was just written as 'the girl'. Every other character got to be cool and do shit and be playable and Amy was just There(tm). Later I played SA1 and realized she was cool but how she was written in every game seemed to just be decided by dice. Yeah, they used the same dice, so the basic characteristics stayed the same, but the way they were portrayed or portioned fluctuated drastically. I never knew what she was going to show up like.

And that's partially on me- I was stuck in a binary jam as a kid. Still, even beyond that, she as a character and I did not gel.

And then I played Sonic Battle.

(tw // eating disorders)

I keep saying I need to replay Battle, if only to get evidence of this. There's a part of me that wants to believe I made it up, just to avoid the implications, but I know I didn't.

In Battle, like in SA1, SA2, and 06, you play through multiple perspectives of a story (always did like that sort of gameplay.) During the story, you get to be both Cream and Amy, and you find something out during this.

Amy has an eating disorder.

This may be a headcanon, and I am biased, but this obsession to the point of illness with her weight and figure has appeared a couple of times including out if gameplay (I know, breaking my own rule about game canon focus). For an older example, there's an issue in the Sonic manga Spin and Dash where Amy falls for one of Eggman's schemes for weight loss since she's worried she's gaining weight. She then comes back emaciated, asking Sonic and Tails if she looks pretty. Most recently, there is official art of Amy punching a punching bag with a picture of ice cream on it while Germal watches, which is a direct reference to that I am about to relay.

In Battle, you go against Amy several times in a form of combat called Boxercising. Canonically, it is stated that Amy got into Boxercising to get stronger and help out more on missions, but then became obsessed when she realized she could lose weight. Though Cream protests all the 'training' saying Amy is too tired due to her lack of eating and constant training, Amy keeps insisting she wants to go another round. You do this a few times, and then, it is revealed that she has been wearing weights this entire time.

I use to wear weights all the time, around my ankles and under long pants so nobody noticed. I did it to try and lose weight. You want to know what happens when you do that? You fuck up your ligaments and tendons. I had to take a second. Then, I went back to the game. It got worse from there.

After the fighting, Amy passes out. When she awakens, after a bit of dialog, she asks then-Emerl how she could loose more weight. The robot proposes a ridiculous training regiment and a diet in which Amy is to only eat salad leaves and some other minimal insane bullshit, and though Cream is horrified, Amy insists she can do it.

And I hated it.

I hated how of course it was Amy. I hated how this was played for laughs. I hated how they'd pick the Girl Character(tm) because eating disorders are coded girlish apparently and once again I'm sitting there hating everything to do with everyone but especially whoever thought that was funny or let that mistake (if it was a mistake) slide or whatever. I was angry.

But it was at that moment I saw Amy in a new light. I had never seen another character go through this, not in the way I did. I decided to go back and give her character a second look.

What I found upon putting aside my own self loathing was a wonderful character. Yes, she, like everyone else, suffered from tone changes between games, but at the core, she was a really wonderful person doing the best she could out of love for everything and everyone.

Yes, she is stubborn and maybe sometimes a bit selfish. Yes, she has tunnel vision and sometimes that causes a problem. I will remind the court that the kid in canon is 12/13 and which one of you was the perfect preteen? I reiterate my point about flawed protagonists. I reiterate my point about multifaceted characters. I reiterate my point that a person is allowed to be a person and that makes them better than a cardboard cuttout that can be projected upon.

She's not a manic pixie dream girl, she's a fucking supernova.

She loves her friends, her found family, her home, her planet, the strangers she meets on the street, everyone. This girl will remind you to take care of yourself right before she throws hands with god. This girl is a badass because she loves fiercely and terribly. No, not in the 'cool, masculine way' that seemed to be the only permissible volatile love I saw in media, but in her way.

It's not a thing that just is. That sort of love comes from wanting to love. Making the conscious decision to love, and act on that love, in the best way a person knows how.

Just like you, or I, or anyone else.

And how deeply, how furiously, how passionately and totally a person can love everything, anything, and in spite of whatever is going on, decide to act on that love with a desire to do good for the sake of doing good.

That means a lot to me.

Part 3: The Ship of Dreams

We come back to this moment, because it was always going to be this moment.

An unstoppable force meets an unmoveable object.

But they are not on opposite sides. In fact, they are very much on the same side. These two love fiercely and terribly. They want to do the right thing. They are willing to sacrifice happiness and safety in order to achieve that.

And once they realize this, they work together to do the right thing out of love.

This post, I think, does a very nice job of elaborating on a facet of that concept.

---

@wizardofthebog

The “This character who is flawed, traumatized and hurting cannot be saved by love. But they can choose recovery because they are loved”-trope makes me just… I think I need to lay down.

@theoneandonlymagiscientist

“saved by love” and “choose recovery because loved” look similar on the surface, perhaps because the end results look similar, but they’re so different really. It’s passive vs. active; a story is about the person who’s making choices, being proactive. If Character A is saved by love, then it’s not them the story is about, it’s about their savior, Character B. If Character A chooses recovery, then they’re the one the story is about. Character B is the side character this time.

One is the narrative of taking what is broken and fixing it. It is not about the ‘broken’ person, it’s about the ‘savior’ who ‘fixes’ them.

One is a tale of healing. It is not about one person ‘fixing’ the other, it’s about the person who makes a conscious decision to not let their pain define them.

In one, the story is about the person who loves the hurt person, and the hurt person’s pain is incidental to the main character’s arc. In the other, the story is about the hurt person themself, and the other person’s love is incidental to their arc.

I hope I’ve said this well enough. My words may not be coming out the right way to express what I’m trying to say. Sometimes they do that.

---

There's also this quote from Guillermo del Toro

---

"The beast doesn’t need to transform to be loved. He doesn’t have to turn into a boring fucking prince to be loved. Or renounce to the essence of who it is. To me love is not transformation, love is acceptance and understanding."

---

And what about these closing lines from Niel Gaiman's observations on love given at a friend's wedding?

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"- In the darkness you will reach out a hand,

not knowing for certain if someone else is even there.

And your hands will meet,

and then neither of you will ever need to be alone again."

---

I believe in love: the concept, the idea, the goal. I believe that, upon achieving the goal of fostering love, in maintaining it, enabling it to thrive, to be happy and be healthy.

I believe in people and the power they have as individuals, and how that power finds new strength when people work together as a unit, as a team, as friends and confidantes and lovers.

Love to me is being in lock step, hand in hand, walking forward together.

And I just so happen to see it in these two silly, fictional hedgehogs.

#shadamy #shadowxamy #shadow the hedgehog #amy rose #tw // eating disorder #tw // gaslighting #i seriously cannot believe i actually was able to pen this all down. it took me a while #i highly doubt this is what... anyone... expected when they asked why i like the ship but... here it is #op rambles #this took me... days... but i wanted to get it right #thoughts

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call-sign-shark · 16 days

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hi shark,

I saw your recent post on heaven's habit of not eating and arthur catching her fainting and so on..

I wanted to share my thoughts since I've actually been diagnosed with/struggled with anorexia in the past

To make not eating a sort of, “personality trait” for heaven, feels a bit insensitive considering some people struggle with disordered eating. And arthur’s reaction, “catching her” is sort of romanticizing eating disorders too..

It feels unrealistic to real life, and the fact that arthur just routinely catches her fainting doesn't really show concern. Someone needs medical intervention if they are starving themselves.. intentionally or not

I think his tendency to notice when she is about to faint sort of perpetuates the issue, because he’s allowing the behavior and not really helping her

That idea in general of heaven “forgetting to eat” also might lead people to imagine that not eating will lead to having a man fawn over them, and that could potentially invoke the intentional neglect of food.. it’s l not realistic to real life, and might be sending a bad message

I don’t know.. I think that whole concept just kind of triggered me a bit and left a bad taste in my mouth

Maybe it’s my own personal issues with eating in the past that are making me feel upset about it..

I’m really not trying to attack you at all, and I know your heart intent wasn’t bad. I just wanted to share my thoughts and give more awareness on that sort of eating disorder realm to consider when conjuring ideas/scenarios like this.

If there’s more to it I’d be open to hearing an explanation

TW: Eating disorder and very harsh discourse.

Hey, thank you so much for this message. I am glad you took the time to send this to me and write it so politely. Don't worry I don't feel attacked at all, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I should have put a trigger warning for sure. Let's make things clear: I've never intended to make ED a personality trait nor to romanticize it. By the way, it really hurts the fuck out of me to read this - but that ain't your fault, I'm glad you shared your feelings. First of all, you have to know something about me: Some people here already know it but I've been suffering from eating disorders for the past ten years and it is still literally impeding my happiness. It keeps me from enjoying simple things and it leaves me crying in the middle of the bathroom pinching my stomach/thighs and making me feel like I should grab a knife to cut the excess of fat or, at least, starve myself. And I'm not fucking exaggerating. The only reason I have a healthy weight and try to get better is my family/partner, so please don't think I'm trying to romanticize it while it's literally impacting my everyday life.

I decided to share this headcanon in a light tone because I wanted to shed light on a more fragile aspect of Heaven, who is a character with an aura of a monstrous, supernatural, and murderous creature. It doesn't make her cool or cute, it does show that she's plagued with trauma and disorders. That was the process behind my post. When people started to joke about it and find it cute I went with the flow because taking this issue lighter and turning it into a "fun fact" makes me feel better. Yes, it's selfish. Yes the jokes make the issue unrealistic, but it doesn't mean that my actual depiction of it is. Also, yes, meming isn't everyone's way to cope with things but it's mine. I am personally convinced that we can laugh about everything as long as it isn't done with malicious intents. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I feel. I'm really sorry if it came out insensitive to you and others.

Your thoughts about Arthur's lack of concerns are really interesting because as I shared this fact as a light-hearted headcanon without any details, I knew someone would eventually come at me with this so let me expand on it with more precisions: He doesn't just "routinely" catch her. What I meant to say is that it's something he's aware of and he's always worried about her, that's why he's keeping an eye on her. When he's home he makes sure she has eaten properly, but he can't be 100% behind her back. When his wife faints it doesn't make him laugh and he doesn't brush it off as if it was a casual/trivial thing, quite the contrary he's insanely concerned and immediately proceeds to give her something to eat. Moreover, I already mentioned that he hates her relationship with food in this ask. It doesn't come from nowhere.

Also, Arthur doesn't encourage the issue. He obviously actively tries to help her the best he can but I think you're in the right place to understand that external help doesn't do the entire job. In addition, I think we should take into account that they come from the '20s and that seeking mental help was probably harder than it is nowadays. Heaven herself is not aware that it's a disorder and that it's not normal.

Another part I'd like to briefly comment: "That idea in general of heaven “forgetting to eat” also might lead people to imagine that not eating will lead to having a man fawn over them" While I perfectly understand how someone could think these kind of things now that you have explained it to me, I literally didn't think about this AT ALL when writing my headcanon. Like, It didn't even cross my mind. I'm not the most empathic person so I'm going to be honest with you, when I read this part I was like "??? ah ok ??". For me, the fact that it's not the case is obvious. But my apologies if someone had understood the headcanon in this way because it's literally false and not what I meant to write. Please keep in mind that while it's okay to tell me when I am inconsiderate, I'm by no means a role model and it's not my job to overthink every of my posts. Yet, I do think I should have put a trigger warning.

Now, I'm going to stop here because it's already long enough and honestly I don't want to have a serious talk about EDs. It's already something I have to face IRL and as I said, EDs ruin my life on fucking daily basis. Moreover I have a bad case of sinusitis and my head hurts. The most important info I want you to take from this reply are that: I didn't intend to romanticize or normalize EDs / I know the struggle and I exorcize it through Heaven, even if this fact doesn't make me exempt from flaws and being careless/ While I talk about this in a light/casual tone it's actually concerning for Heaven / Arthur dislikes it, it's not entertaining it's frightening for him. It's the source of many of their arguments. Thank you again Nonny, I hope my explanations make things clearer. Take care of you by the way and once again, I really appreciate your honesty! :)

#Shark talks #Arthur Shelby #Arthur Shelby x reader #Peaky Blinders #HYE Squad #Heaven Shelby

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