#ironically the post was about how i feel like having disordered eating makes me a bad friend

[ionlycareaboutyou]

i started writing a post for an ED subreddit because i just need to get these feelings off my chest but i felt so stupid halfway through i just deleted it and closed the app 😔

#i need to stop being stupid i probably don’t even have an ED anyway i’m just being overdramatic #i ate bread today that’s not like. something someone with ana would do or whatever #i’m just overreacting because i’m histrionic and dumb #ironically the post was about how i feel like having disordered eating makes me a bad friend #because i’m so exhausted all the time from life and stressing about food #that i don’t reach out to friends and sometimes avoid or make excuses not to go to gatherings #but it’s not my disordered eating’s fault it’s mine #the problem is that i’m awful and just such an unpleasant person to the core #i’m not pretty i’m not intelligent i’m not interesting…i just don’t have much to offer and i never will #and that fucking sucks. living like this sucks #i’m so tired. #personal

[cupids-chamber]

2023/08/23

I'll be on my way now, I'm closing down all my other blogs and ask bin. I'd prefer if no one reached out to me during this time.

I'll be active on my Wattpad account if I feel like writing from time to time, (I'd also like to finish what I started) I've also made an AO3 account, in case I post anything. I plan on posting my Concubine series & Circus au works there as well.

(More info below the undercut)

Hi! This may come of as a shock, and I try not to get too open on this blog, but a month, or so ago. I posted about how I might have DID. (I did extensive research on DID, and reached out to my cousin who had DID for help, and though I will not self diagnose, I match almost all if not all the symptoms for it.)

This Cupid persona has developed into someone of it's own, and I don't feel like I'm the same person as before, and in all honesty I genuinely don't even know who I'm anymore. It's hard for me to focus on my health and mental health, along side simple tasks and even hobbies like writing which I love.

I will say coming into tumblr, the past two years caused me more harm then good. I've realized that though I came into this app being extremely s*icidal and interacting with the users here have made me feel better about myself. It has caused many negative impacts, and I can confidently say that due to me obsessing over writing on time or everyday for tumblr, I've developed an eating disorder of sorts, and recently it seems my body is rejecting food as a whole.

I love writing, and I love that people enjoy my writing, sadly it's the cause of a lot of health issues, mentally and physically. And though I still write from time to time, recently typing or writing by hand makes me feel awful and it's not like those usual burn outs.

I feel like crying as I'm typing this up, and a lot of people may call me dramatic for this but I genuinely feel a pit in my stomach when I go on this app it's not even funny anymore. This blog itself has caused me so much trouble behind the scenes, and though I'm not quitting. I most certainly can't leave something I've worked so hard on, (and this is the place where I met the few people that honestly may not know it, but probably helped stop me from offing myself.)

Like I said, I'll be on different apps, maybe once every 2 weeks or a month, but I'm trying to avoid social media, trying to pick up new hobbies, trying to gain some sort of stability in my life because I'm not stable enough to handle anything right now but like I said, I love writing and I think you guys should at least see it through on the series and tasks I've started.

I'm crying now, and I'm very grateful that you've all supported my work, and allowed me to explore my writing on this platform, I've learned a lot about this fandom. I still find it ironic that people call me a workaholic, I'm genuinely the biggest procrastinator you'll ever meet.

Thank you for supporting me, because without your support and reassurance, I might not have been here until now. Especially to some of my moots, who took the time to chat with me.

So, this is goodbye I suppose. At least on this platform, maybe not forever, but it is goodbye for the next good while.

— Signing off, cupids-chamber

[vashsmunch]

How could I hate something so perfect?

Vash x GN Reader

Synopsis: you have body dysmorphia and Vash comforts you

Warnings: body image issues, mentions of eating disorder

a/n: first actual post ahhhhhh :’)  i definitely self projected writing this but that’s alright

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

God, you hated this.

You hated this feeling that weighed you down, sinking you into an ocean of misery. Fighting it was futile; all it did was drag you further into the cold darkness that was your self-hatred. Sometimes you wondered if it was all in your head, the stares you would get from everyone. The whispers behind covered mouths, the up and down glances wherever you walked. Too big, too loud, too much. Any logical person would figure it was because you were hanging out with a group where one wielded a gigantic laser gun cross, but the voices said otherwise. They were suffocating you, and how ironic that they were the same ones deluding you into thinking that he could ever like you back.

A heavy sigh escaped your lips as you stepped out of the shower, drying yourself off with a towel. Thoughts always seemed more melancholic while in there, and you weren't doing that tonight. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and turn back to look at the reflection. Did I gain weight? A finger reaches down to poke at your stomach as you start prodding yourself in all the areas you didn't like about yourself. Ugh, more stretch marks. I really should start being more careful about what I eat. You ran your hands down the sides of your body, trying to manipulate the flesh to look more appealing. Guess I shouldn't get breakfast tomorrow.

You heard a soft knock on the door as you stepped back into your hotel room. A glance at the clock told you it was way too late for room service, much less for anyone of importance to be awake. The group had collectively decided that staying at a hotel that night would be more comfortable than sleeping in the news reporter van again. Wolfwood, Vash, and Roberto took one room, and Meryl loudly exclaimed that she couldn't spend another second with all of them as she went off to claim hers. You lucked out by getting your own, but it was a bit isolating. Groaning, you put on your pajamas and trudged toward the entrance, drying off your hair. "Who is it?"

"Hey... it's me." 

You froze suddenly, hearing Vash's muffled voice from behind the door. Did you forget something at dinner earlier? It wasn't uncommon for you to leave some of your belongings around; Wolfwood would make fun of you as he found stray ammo, notepads, or even entire bags clustered around any space the group occupied. But you were sure you'd brought everything upstairs, so it couldn't be that. Could it?

Inhaling slowly, you cracked open the door to see that infamous sheepish smile accompanied by worried eyes. The two of you stared at each other for a few seconds before Vash cleared his throat, seeming nervous. "I was just wondering if I could talk to you about something."

You cocked your head, confused, as you allowed him to enter, walking towards the bed to sit down. The blanket felt scratchy, but that was expected from such a rundown hotel; being on the run doesn't allow for many luxuries. Crossing your legs, you motioned for him to sit next to you. "So... what's up?"

As he plopped down on the mattress, he sighed heavily and leaned back on his forearms, not meeting your eyes. He stayed silent for a short while before he finally spoke. "You didn't eat much at dinner tonight," His head turned to meet your gaze, his face unreadable. "In fact, you haven't been eating at all for the past few days."

Staring into his eyes, you laughed nervously as you rubbed your neck, trying to play it off. "I just haven't had a big appetite as of late. To be honest, I'm starting to think the nerves from the close calls we've had recently are getting to me." You tried to make your tone as light as possible, but your voice cracked at the last word. You cringed. He definitely heard that.

"We both know that's not true," The air was thick with tension as he sat back up, never breaking eye contact with you. He hesitated before he gently held your hand, squeezing slightly. With a low whisper of your name, he continued. "Look, you're allowed to have your secrets. Everyone has them, and I won't pry if you don't want me to. But I care about you a lot more than you'd think. I hate seeing you deprive yourself, hoping no one will notice, because I do." 

You started to feel tears prickle at the back of your eyes as you began blinking furiously. Goddamnit, not now. Why did he have to be so caring? Why couldn't he just be an asshole? Why is he sitting with you alone in your hotel room, being the sweetest person to ever exist while you're about to sob, knowing you'll never have him the way you want? 

When you were with him, all the worries in your body seemed to magically melt away. To be in his presence was akin to finding nirvana, but you knew deep down that it wouldn't last forever. The thoughts would take over like they always did, and you'd keep hurting yourself. No matter how safe he made you feel, you'd keep starving your body and going past your limit, all to reach this image of perfection you weren't even sure you wanted anymore. But it was for him, wasn't it? He would want you to look like this, right? So you had to, no matter what. You had to keep going.

You felt your throat closing up, and you sniffed, trying to console yourself. You took a deep breath as you shakily responded. "Look, I just need to do this. I don't expect you to understand because even I don't. But it's gonna be worth it in the end."

A frown settled on his lips as he gripped your hand tighter, bringing his own to your face to gently wipe the streams of tears from your eyes. You hadn't even realized you were crying, and now you felt even more stupid. The warmth of his palm was like a guilty pleasure you didn't deserve. It felt comforting and secure. But even that wasn't enough to break down the walls you'd built to protect this ideology of yours. And at this point, you weren't sure anything would be. 

He spoke slowly, seemingly trying to be careful with his words. "What are you trying so hard to achieve? It can be anything good if it means you're starving yourself like this. Please, just help me understand-"

You suddenly stood up, whirling around to face him, sobbing at this point. "No, you won't. You never will. God, how could you? To live every day of your life utterly disgusted by the body you're forced to live in. I look at myself, and I despise everything I see, Vash. Every curve that is and isn't there, every roll. I poke and prod at myself, hoping that I'll magically wish away all the horrible parts of myself, but it never works," Your knees start to go weak as your body shakes in anger and sadness. It felt futile to be vulnerable like this; you were probably only making yourself look like a fool. You forced yourself to meet his gaze and saw a look akin to horror. It made your heart drop. "God, why can't you see this is for you? I just want to be perfect for you, and this is the only way that allows me to do that. I don't care how long it takes me because you'll never want to be with me if I'm like this. I just-" You stumble to the ground, your legs completely giving up.

Vash quickly moved to catch and hold you in his arms as sobs racked through your entire body. You gripped onto his shirt for dear life, trying to ground yourself in his touch, but everything was slipping away. Your sanity, self-respect, and control of your emotions. Incoherent mumbles left your lips as you desperately tried to explain your motives, why you absolutely had to do this. You felt like you were going insane.

He said nothing as he let you crumple against him, his hand rubbing your back. It made you feel even worse. The two of you stayed like that for a long while, whether for minutes or even hours; you couldn't tell. You just let the emotions leak out of you, all the suffering you'd been making yourself endure for the past few weeks. All the dinners you'd missed, saying you were just tired. The smaller portions you'd select in an attempt to control how much weight you were gaining. Feeling your stomach cry out for food but still depriving it because this was for the better, right? This is how people got pretty; there was no other way.

After all the tears had finished leaving your eyes and your crying had subsided, he spoke softly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't notice before how much you were hurting. It should've been obvious, yet I never realized," You felt exhausted. You couldn't even muster up a response. He pulled back slightly to look at you, his eyes full of sadness. "But you're beautiful. I've never cared about what you looked like because to see you in any form is a blessing I can't even begin to describe."

He hushed you as you tried to respond, leaning down to place a kiss on your forehead. "You don't have to believe me right now. To ask that of you would completely ignore the suffering you've been through these past few weeks. All I ask is that you let me take care of you tonight. Everything can wait until tomorrow. I got you, okay?"

You nodded, your eyelids heavy. Vash helped you back to the bed, laying you down as he caressed your cheek. Before you drifted off to sleep, you heard him whisper softly. "And for what it's worth, I love you. Every part you hate, I'll show it all the adoration it deserves. Because you're perfect. And you always have been."

#vash x you #vash tristamp #vash fluff #trigun vash #tristamp fluff #vash x reader

[ptsd-phoenix]

10 April 2024

When I made this blog I was questioning it very much. I was very torn on whether it would be beneficial for me. In the past I have had many many blogs. Blogs that got terminated for good reason. Some blogs live on in eternity with their posts still being reblogged. I had blogs that one could consider pro-ed and pro-sh. Or rather 'not pro, just for me' which can be considered the same thing honestly.

I also had many a recovery blog in between relapse. I posted a lot of content on both depending on where I was in my journey. Yes, I have taken many pictures of my sh and shared it with strangers. If you ask me why I did that, well, in a way it was an art for me. In a way it was just the way I expressed my pain. In my eyes back then, as a sh addict who really needed sh to keep going in life, I felt like my sh was comparable to smoking a cigarette. I advocated a lot to get rid of the taboo around sh. I did a lot of research on it. The many different reasons why people turn to it. What about it makes people addicted to it. I really explored it in depth. Of course my ultimate goal as an sh addict was to be able to keep doing it without people trying to get me to stop. It wasn't much a noble goal. My sh addiction really ruled my life for quite a while. Until it didn't anymore. After many attempts to stay clean, I finally managed to go without it. I've recently passed the 8 year mark, and will hopefully continue on for the rest of my lifetime to stay clean.

Do I regret making those blogs? I do. The biggest reason for my regret is that my pictures were inspiration for others to keep their sh going. I hope I never inspired someone to start sh, but I know I have in at least two cases. That was never my intention. But the way sh works is that when you show visuals of it, or even talk about it to vulnerable people, they will get ideas to try doing it. It's logical. If someone is desperate for a sense of relief and you let them know others have achieved a form of relief by doing something bad. Those desperate people don't care if it's bad, they just want to try and achieve that relief. This is partly how I even ended up with my sh addiction in the first place. I already did forms of sh, but I wasn't aware of other ways existing until people told me not to start doing those too. This inspired me to try those ways as well. I would have likely never done that otherwise.

This is especially true for my eds. While I struggled with eating already, I would have never been able to think up the complex ed behaviors by myself. Those were all copied and inspired by other people's ed thoughts and behaviors. I watched documentaries just for more tips. This is why I believe this topic is also really vulnerable to be discussed and it's difficult to bring awareness to without potentially inspiring someone or fueling their early developing ed. I recovered and relapsed with my eds many times in different ways. It's still something I have to be mindful of because the road to relapse is a slippery slope you can easily fall down. One thing that really inspired and motivated me to recover was, ironically, some pretty dark places on the web where people share all details about their disordered behavior. Seeing especially the much older people struggling and still trapped and seeing how absolutely miserable they were. It made me realize just how absolutely miserable I was. I can't quite explain just how truly truly miserable. My body was dying because of me and I could feel it. I recovered with the help of mostly the book called 'Wanneer kap jij ermee? - Isabelle Plasmeijer'. But also help from others, creating a sort of psych ward like setting at home where I was being monitored. It took a lot of work to recover but I think I've done a pretty great job by myself (and those that helped me). Looking back at it now I think I haven't given myself nearly enough credit. I really just revived myself. Also great great shoutout to Ro Mitchell on youtube. I really recovered side by side as she went through her journey. I would put her videos on with every meal. (I don't watch her anymore now as I consider that to be triggering for me)

Anyway, what led me to type this is. I worried so much that my blog would be yet another festering pit of just pure destructive habits. Instead it actually turned out to be a really healthy coping mechanism. I believe venting feelings and pain is incredibly helpful. Doing so while creating a sense of community can feel so healing because you are not alone in your feelings. I do have a boundary for myself in place that I do not follow any blogs that post vents or traumacore. I only go through those type of blogs and tags when I need to express emotions I am already feeling. This means I get to protect my precious vulnerable mind from unexpected triggers and negative emotions. My dashboard on tumblr really is a collection of uplifting, motivating, validating, comforting, soothing, enjoyable content.

I think that expressing pain in an online space in a healthy way is possible. It's important that it's done safely, by not hurting oneself or others. Providing the right content warnings so people can be warned or filter it out. Not tagging it with things that are not related to it so that people don't suddenly see disturbing content in otherwise safe places. and taking care of yourself as a user to really use the features that allow you to blacklist words and themes. Blocking users that post upsetting content or that just trigger you for one reason or another. Turning off anon if you get a lot of upsetting messages. Knowing not to browse certain tags when you are already triggered. Knowing which tags to just never browse, period, not even when happy or stable. Taking note of your boundaries. Not triggering yourself on purpose as a way of sh. There's a lot that can be done to make it safe to vent.

I'm quite glad I made this blog. It has indirectly given me friendships that I'm very thankful for.

#tw ed #tw sh #phoenix posts non poetry

[sucktacular]

Cw health scare, passing out, food mention, weed + being high, mention of blood work/needles

Had a yucky time last night that was very scary and wanna vent about it

and honestly kinda hope maybe someone that has low blood sugar moments or panic attacks or whatever the fuck could give me some insight if you're comfy doing so!!

Other wise just ignore this post :3 I'm okay now! But obv will get it looked at, prommy.

Also cw disordered eating... I don't mean to do it for any particular reasons I'm just very bad at remembering to eat, eating enough, and having too low energy to make anything lately. I got fresh groceries yesterday night tho so I'll be back to eating right for a bit.

So I uh nearly passed out at 3am alone in my kitchen trying to make a sandwich and I'm kinda pissed that my body is shitting out on me and now I gotta go to the human mechanic and get my stuff looked over cuz uh... Not normal happenings

I got up after laying down in bed for a while trying to sleep but got hungry and I was a little zooted too to be fair. Collected myself. Got all dressed to leave my room and was totally fine. If it was from standing up too fast it should have definitely hit me by that point but I was fine.

Went down and took all the things out of the fridge I needed for a sandwich. Slow and meticulous , not too fast cuz I was stoned and like to take my time to be quiet. Opened the bread, got a plate, opened the mayo, mayo'd my bread, then I went to open the deli chicken and started greying out and getting really light headed and weak and shakey and cold. So I waited a moment and it kept getting worse so I sat down and propped myself in the corner of my cabinets to try and help. Drank my chocolate milk and tried to wait it out. I've had low blood sugar act like that before- cold, shakey, grey vision, weak, etc - cuz I've kind of always been really bad at making sure I eat meals and last night i had just been eating chips, crackers, and chocolate pretzels all night. Snjcjsbjdks. I've been snackless for a few days so I NEEDED snack overload.

Anyway it kept getting worse over the minute or two to the point my vision was like white and black tv static with tunnel vision. my head felt super pressurized and I couldn't hear? I've had tinnitus since I was a tiny child but it really felt like those movies when everything is muffled and all you can hear is a very tiny faint high pitch ring. I could barely hear my tinnitus which was ... Deafeningly silent and that's WEIRD. I've never heard... Nothing? So that was scary. My whole body felt sweaty and hot and I just didn't know really what to do.

I think it was low blood sugar but + weed made me have a panic attack? Maybe? Or really bad low blood sugar. Because I HAVE been having light headed episodes and feeling weak lately... Which I chocked up to vitamin deficiencies (B12, D, or iron are problems of the past so I started taking those every day for the past week or so.)

Kind of super mad doctor I saw last week insisted I don't need blood work and to just take my new meds, cuz there's definitely something going on here and while blood work probably wouldn't have stopped last night's episode from happening, at the very least I could be a step closer today than i am. :(

Uhm... Yeah anyway it was really scary and I was on the floor in the kitchen with just Frankie watching me for a hot maybe 2-5minutes... Hard to tell how long. Not a super long time but more than just like 1-2 minutes. Felt better. Tried to get up and finish sandwich making. Got grey and weak again. Sat down some more. EVENTUALLY my vision and hearing went back to normal. Finished my sandwich weakly and packed the stuff away sloppily and had to turn the hallway light on cuz I couldn't see in the dark at all. Went to my bed and ate my sandwich and still felt fucked but eventually went right back to normal.

I do still feel airy headed and not totally alert but that's been kinda how it's been this past few weeks.

So uh... Mmm. Don't like that at all. Phone on me all the time now. Doctor visit again soon for this issue specifically. Partner suggested it sounded like a panic attack or when they get a vasovagal response to needles and nearly pass out. I definitely got scared and panicked cuz it was awful and scary and felt like I was dying. I did some 5seconds in 5 seconds out breathing exercises and it helped quite a bit to calm and focus me in the moment. Which was neat! They ain't lying about those exercises even if you don't know what you're doing. Focus on the counting and the breathing in and out softly.

Uhm.... So yeah if anyone actually genuinely has a comment or experience with that I'd love to hear. Otherwise I'm okay so far today and keeping an eye on it...

Problem also is I don't... Well, I have agoraphobia basically and it's very hard for me to go to a doctor without help from a friend or my partner and I can't figure out any online telehealth things in Ontario that don't cost money or aren't just for prescription renewals so uh not sure what to really do. I know I need to get it looked into but my GOD you know how fear will make you not care for yourself? Gestures. I'm trying so hard not to jump to the conclusion that it might be pre diabetes because my family has no history thankfully but the signs arent looking good..

#sucktacular sucks #me: im gonna be so safe about my info online. no tracking me!!! #me also so heres all the health conditions im struggling with yall lol #mostly a vent but also like dont be shy if u do have a thought about it #cuz it helps me look into it until i can get to a doctor to talk about it. I WILL. but it might be moment

[riley-gordon]

I hid my mental health issues for 12 years and I need someone to relate to

Pt. 1

When I was 6, I started having panic attacks. I always had them in the school bathroom during lunch time and frequently threw up during those episodes. My parents took me to the doctors, they gave me a strong antacid, and introduced me to the diagnosis that would proceed to rule my whole life: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I had a friend named Olivia. Olivia was good. We were friends from birth and she was the person I would always go crying to whenever I had a panic attack at school (which was quite frequently). On top of this, I always was different than the other kids at school. I am from a very small rural town, and the small, nerdy girl who cried a lot ended up getting isolated because of it. I thought that there was something wrong with me, I thought that I was the problem in this situation because I was the only one having these feelings.

My mother was a teacher at this school, and every time I tried to tell her about my problems, they were shut down and I was told that I had no reason to complain. I was told that the other kids had it a lot worse than I did, so I should just stay quiet and be happy. So, I stayed quiet, yet I never ended up being happy.

Up to about 8th grade, I stayed anxious and quiet, having only my friend Olivia, who at this point had started to form her own friends, leading to a drift between us. In 8th grade, I think I became depressed. All I knew is that I wanted to hurt myself for being weird, for being different from the other kids at school. I tried many different ways of injuring myself, but I settled on scratching myself to the point of bleeding in neat lines on my forearm. I don't remember too much from this time, as 5 years have passed since then, but I do remember one thing. I was crying out for help without saying anything. Some of the kids around me noticed the marks on my arms, but any time that anyone my age mentioned it I would lie my way out of the situation. I would however write about feeling depressed and not wanting to be around anymore and submit those pieces to my writing teacher. I would purposely wear short sleeves and set my forearms out so that my homeroom teacher would see and tell someone. But the adults must have been blind. I am choosing to believe that they simply just didn't see, because it makes me uncomfortable to think they would ignore those things for any reason.

I slowly got better in the 8th grade, I ended up joining the softball team and ended up slowly gaining a bit of weight. Something that is of note in my life is the fact that I have always been borderline underweight. Knowing what I know now, I just have never been eating enough. I thought that I was simply meant to be skinny, but I just didn't have the motivation to eat food because I was so anxious about the things going on in my life.

In 9th grade, I started hanging out more with two friends that I have known since birth. I love them like sisters, but I think at this point we were all struggling and not talking about it. I could do a detailed separate post about the things that they and their separate group did to my mental health. The gist of it is that I was more social than ever but felt so isolated, I was the butt of every joke and was bullied for being a lesbian (I am mostly straight), and was constantly told that I was weird and would be forever alone. Ironically enough half of those people have only had failed situationships and I now have a boyfriend who accepts me in my entirety.

Then Covid happened. I often wonder how my life could've ended up if Covid never happened and if I had stayed with that group, I wonder if I would've ended up making it this far if I had.

Covid zapped through my Freshman and Sophomore year and it was mostly the same for me mentally. Generally pretty anxious about everything, constantly being reminded about my lack of weight, and staying top of my class in school. It was around this time I started carefully crafting an image for myself.

#perfectionism #depressing shit #anxiety #anxi4ty #alone with my thoughts #you are not alone #secre

[not-available-for-comment]

Ok, so Firefox’s pocket suggestions have been trying to get me to read a list of “8 life-changing nonfiction books selected by top authors” and while I don’t really feel like reading that article, I think it could make a cool prompt. Nonfiction tends to have a rep for being dry or trite, but I think it can be powerful and engaging as well. I probably don’t have near enough followers to be doing a book rec post, but whatev, I like talking about books, we’re doing this.

Prompt: List 5-8 Life-Changing Nonfiction Books

In no particular order:

1. The Wisdom of Whores: Bureaucrats, Brothels, and the Business of AIDS by Elizabeth Pisani (2008)

This is probably the book I’m most scared to go back and read, because I suspect parts of it did not age well. I think she’s released an updated edition and I’m interested in revisiting that one. That said, as someone raised in a very conservative environment, this book completely revolutionized my thinking on harm reduction strategies like needle exchanges and free condoms from the cOnDONinG bAd beHaViOr bullshit I believed when I was younger to “oh look, a way to keep people alive and healthy”. She also had some eye opening comments on the “rescuing women from developing nation brothels” charities that were so popular in the 90s. I still think about the insights in this book often.

2. The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of America’s Man-Made Landscape by James Howard Kunstler (1993)

I don’t know if I can even describe how foundational this book was for me when I first read it in my early 20s. Kunstler describes the way cars have usurped human comfort in American architecture, land management, and city planning in meticulous detail. It made me look at my environment with new eyes, and appreciate alternatives I had barely even grasped, in spite of having traveled internationally. I don’t recall Kunstler’s book explicitly speaking to the disabled community’s concerns with anti-car rhetoric, which have gotten increasingly relevant over time. But I still highly recommend the book as an excellent introduction for USians interested in improving our lived environment and anyone else who wants to know What The Hell Happened With The US And Cars.

3. Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking by Michael Ruhlman (2009)

I’ve never been an intuitive cook: the kind of person who can look in the cupboard and throw together a dish based on what I can see. I actually started out baking almost exclusively, because the precision of baking recipes helped keep me from going astray. Ruhlman’s book was the first to help me crack the cooking code. Ironically, I’ve made very few of his recipes, which tend to have an overly fussy, professional chef ring to them. But learning about the basic ratios and techniques that went into popular western dishes helped me start to understand how cooking worked. It’s been 10 years since I read Ruhlman’s book, and I still often cook with a recipe. But sometimes I don’t. And his book is part of the reason why.

4. My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness by Nagata Kabi (2009)

I’m sure this one isn’t new to a tumblr audience, but it deserves its excellent reputation. This graphic memoir is hard to quantify accurately. It is, of course, an important work on the experience of being queer in Japan. But it’s also a searching, thoughtful, and sometimes brutal examination of the self, a coming of age story that is unsentimental but insightful and, I think, ultimately hopeful. I bought the book several years after it came out, at a time when I personally felt like a failure and a disappointment to my parents, and devoured it and felt less alone. Highly recommend to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation. (Note that it does at one point describe the author’s eating disorder.)

5. Too Much and Not the Mood by Durga Chew-Bose (2017)

This book revolutionized the way I thought about personal essays. This is not “I had a mildly risqué experience as a young white middle class cis woman which I will now recount to you for money.” Nor is it really my much-beloved genre of creative nonfiction that combines rapturous descriptions of the taste and scent of peaches with rigorously researched discursions on the history of the state of Georgia. No, this is a creative explosion, raining color and candy, flashing by your face too quickly to be fully registered but delightful all the same. Chew-Bose writes stream of consciousness, but one loaded with sharply observed images and quicksilver thoughts, tangents to tangents to tangents, some circling back and some not, personal memory and constant cascades of cultural commentary threading together into universal but deeply personal tapestries. If you have any taste at all for either essays or virtuoso writing you MUST read this book.

I think that’s a good stopping point for me. Curious to see if anyone else does this prompt and if so, what they pick.

#book recs #rocky rambles

[never-not-ever]

update

So to have some sort of structure I’m creating some main points ahead of time. I feel like everytime I start to type up a post I get lost on one point and then it’s just an essay of that one thing...

therapy

work

dentist

weight loss/body image

productivity on days off

Okay so first up therapy. Which ironically covered everything above except the dentist lol. So maybe this’ll just be a recap of therapy?? Anyways I love my therapist! She’s so informed and I love that she’s done some work/still does a group in the eating disorder community. I mean she’s been around long enough that I think she’s dabbled in a lot of different types of mental health treatment and LOC but it’s just been so helpful to have her ED treatment experience while I’m starting out in that same field. 

Today I mentioned how “tricky” (the word I used a lot, usually it’s the word “weird” lol), how tricky it is thinking about my own person weight loss journey in the past and wanting to pick it back up because I still haven’t hit my healthy goal weight. I know in the past at times things would become very obsessive with the scale, numbers and calories. How easy it is to get sucked back in. Even catching myself thinking “how much weight can I lose before the 4th of July BBQ”.. As of now my first step is to just start walking again. As much as I want to go back to the gym and start eating better I know it’s probably easier and healthier for me to just do one thing first instead of jumping back in cold turkey with everything. I think the only thing I can do right now is to make sure I’m constantly being honest with my therapist to make sure I don’t get too carried away/lose control and make sure we catch any red flags or warning signs. 

On a less serious note, I’m struggling hardcore with being productive on my days off instead of just lounging around and watching tv and catching up on sleep. It’s something my girlfriend and I both slack on and our apartment can get pretty messy at times. I think we have a lot of junk that needs to get thrown out. She considers it all valuable or of value some day. Regardless we both know we need to do a huge deep clean and organization of everything before we get the new kitten next month. And according to history we’ll end up putting it off until the last minute. I feel like we both work better last minute under pressure even though I don’t like that but at least it gets done...

Lastly the dentist. I hate the dentist mostly because of my embarrassment and fear of being judged. I’ve always had really bad teeth and because of my fear of the dentist I wouldn’t go until things got really bad. My ice addiction these past 6 months have clearly not been helpful with my teeth. I keep telling myself that today will be the last day I eat ice and then it never happens. Especially at work with the hospital ice that’s easier to crunch on.. Ugh.... Obviously I’m not eating ice in front of patients because it can be a behavior but I do on my break and on my way home from work... I used to actually not do it on my break cause I was worried other staff would think it was an ED thing and but now I could care less and I always have food on the table as well so it’s like obviously I’m eating as well, I’m just having some after dinner ice too.... A whole paragraph about eating ice... crazy!!

#personal #and that's a wrap #I feel like I could talk forever about the eating and body image and losing weight......

[0w0]

Hey so more posting about my intimate mental health on Tumblr, because it is the void I scream into when I'm overwhelmed on deciding which interpersonal connection to dump this on

I've officically lost like 20 lbs in the past two months from just... Pretty much hardly eating. Officially relapsed 🤪 (the emoji is ironic and is an attempt to mask my true ditress)

I've largely come to the conclusion that it is because of depression. I do not eat because I simply feel like I, myself, am not worth maintaining. It's the same reason why hygene and chorws are hard. Everything just feels empty despite my best efforts, eating just is more work to keep doing something that ultimately, my mental illness makes me feel is pointless.

I've attempted suicide, yeah, but passive self harm has always been what lean on when I'm to lethargic to even hurt myself when I get the impulse.

The thing is, I'm scared. I'm super scared. I like that I'm losing weight. I want to be smaller. I want to take up less space and no feel so fucking fat and disgusting. (Being fat is not disgusting, and fat people are not bad. But my perception of self is really fucked up and thats how it comes out when I look at myself when combined with societal beauty standards).

Despite being scared-- I like how an empty stomach feels. Before it turns into pain, I mean. I like the hallow feeling, for the same reason I like sex. It's a physical sensation that puts me back in my body, especially when dissociating, which I do a majority of the time.

I used to purge, after binging. I won't state dates because depsite everything I'm spilling here, there's still some information I don't need out there. But I say that, because I never considered myself bulimic. Its not like it was chronic. There's a reason I gained like, 100 lbs through adulthood-- I stopped doing that shit.

One of my favorite memes online ever had this caption: "I had and eating disorder and all o have to show for it is this gross fetish". Emetophilia? Hello my old friend.

There's a certain part of me that has sexualized some of the pain I'm going through. That's what being hypersexual does, I guess, but it also feels like a way to dull the ache. Instead of calling it self harm, I call it needleplay, skin embroidery, make it an art. Make it palatable that way, for myself and others. I know it doesnt though, it's still worrying. And I'm not actively trying to transmute feelings associated with depression into something better, like sexuality. It just has .. kind of happened in my brain at some point.

I distinctly remember a time when I was in highschool. I was feeling incredibly sick, but I was on my bus ride home. I was nauseous, felt like I was going to puke, I was dizzy-- it aroused me. A few fucked up things were arousing as a teenager, and that's definitely impacted my long-term health and how I inherently respond to certain stimuli or situations: inappropriately.

As far back as I can remember, everything always circled back to sex for me. I don't remember and csa that my have happened, I don't think I was molested as a child. Bust started at 13, I had very unhealthy relationships until adulthood that hinged on sex. Whether I slept with boys or girls, it didn't matter, it was usually the same. I've had maybe 10 sexual partners in my life-- the fact I was in a relationship that was monogamous for 7 of it's 9 years was the only thing that kept that number from being much, much higher. I had many opportunities to sleep around and cheat. The impulsive desire was there, but I never did it. Was that self restraint? It feels charitable calling it that, but sure. I didn't want to hurt or betray my partner. Not in that way.

Suffice to say, everything is a pile of noodles and all my words are crossed.

Its like have synesthesia but instead of seeing sounds, everything is wirex directly to my dick. What a life, folks

Cheers to therapy making me think I guess. I'll follow this up with my therapist or a future psychiatrist.

🤷

#smear campaign

[foxbox21212]

Social media makes me so sad. It just feels so sad, cold, and industrial. Especially instagram maybe because of how empty and vain it is in general. People used to do it to express themselves now it feels like girls compete with eachother for guys. And if a girl feels like she has to do that I can guarantee you that guy doesn’t give a fuck about you lol. Then they attract these horrible douche bags and wonder why they’re miserable. Kind of ironic honestly. See it literally all the time though with people I know and influencers. Or they use it even as a popularity contest. Buying up fake followers and bots. Which is honestly sad if you feel like you have to do that. I can’t even stand being on there feels fucking weird to me. I wish I would be that cool to dip off of social media and do my own thing. Perhaps one day. Tbh I kind of already have but haven’t deleted the old stuff yet. Like I could definitely say goodbye to instagram, Snapchat, twitter, and facebook. Tumblr and YT is forever though. I know a few people like that though who don’t have anything they are actually goals.

I knew this girl one time she would only post pictures of clouds on instagram. Stuff like that is interesting to me. Because it’s like, here you are, not giving a f what people think of you. Just out here posting what you love. I like the photography aspect but it’s just hard because lines get blurred. Between what’s real and fake. Girls photoshop 24/7 or even use video editing stuff too. Just so fake now. Or the sexual stuff they try forcing in your face too. Makes me feel sick honestly. I don’t get how people live like that.

Like picture this, we live in times so immodest that people don’t even know what modesty is anymore. It’s like a relic of the past. All they know is take your clothes off for guys and money. You don’t need respect for yourself, no one will ever love you unless you do that is essentially what social media teaches people/children. You will never be smart enough to have an interesting career or career that actually benefits the world, hence take off your clothes. Society is brainwashed. Oh ya also like what 60%? Of young girls have eating disorders now lol. Nothing is real.

#rant #lol #social media #thanks for coming to my ted talk

[josiebelladonna]

i wish more of these sad bloggers (you know the ones: the self-deprecating posts, the ones who take prim and perfect selfies, like every other account on tumblr and elsewhere on the internet) would understand that sometimes all you really need to rid of your melancholy and your depression is a lifestyle change.

eat better. don't eat as much. stay hydrated. move your body and get sweaty (take this from me: i don't like sweating at all, but it's a good sign especially if you're dealing with something like anxiety). do your research. especially if you're anything like me and journaling only *sort of* helps at best and only makes you hate yourself at worst. why should i waste my time and tears venting through words and getting nowhere with it, when i could walk around outside and feel the sun on my face and the wind through my hair, and hear the birds singing and the dogs barking and the billy goats bleating (there's a house up the street from me with five billy goats and three dogs).

you also have to be open to it. i know. it's hard. it really is. i get it completely. i have been there before. i know depression. i know anxiety. i know eating disorders. i know being on the edge and wanting nothing more than the pain to stop, so believe me when i say i know what it's like to be numb and empty inside that you genuinely feel like doing nothing but veging out. i grew up feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me, and i still feel like this, too. but there will come a point in which you cannot afford excuses, especially if your mental health is on the line. your mental health and your physical health go hand in hand: when one side is off, the other is off, too. when you're doing something physical, your mind will feel it: i introduced more cardio into my workout routine this week and i've only done it for two days but i almost didn't even need my cup of coffee, it woke me up and energized me.

it should also be completely up to you, too. you should decide to do that for yourself: if anything, i should just serve as inspiration, no matter how vague or blatant.

that's probably the main thing that irritated me about that old friend who kicked me to the curb earlier this year was it didn't seem like they were genuinely trying to do anything for themselves. they seemed far more interested in complaining about everything and developing a victim complex (and being VERY tmi about it, too): it was really ironic because i have a very clear memory of them saying "i was born to stand up for myself" about 7/8 years ago. i finally snapped and i gave them advice because i literally couldn't take it anymore. and when i say they complained about everything, i mean they complained about EVERYTHING. like every two days every 10-15 minutes, there was a bunch of new posts from them. it went on for a long time but it got really bad in those last five months: it got really hard to follow really quick, and it got on my nerves really quick, too. yeah, of course i lost patience.

and then they had the nerve to make it into a gender thing (which had nothing to do with anything i said to them; they implied i'm a transphobe, when i'm obviously not i know in my heart that i'm not) and the whole thing blew up in my face. i called them a bitch and that was it. i'm not bitter about it, but that's nerve, though. accusing me of that twisting my words and making it completely beside my point to them, choosing their precious partner (and i saw them on ig a couple of weeks ago: their relationship ended. how ironic, but they'll never apologize to me, though) over me, someone who knew them when they were a kid, that's nerve. mental illness, the internet landscape, and being a hypochondriac scrambled their brain: in their mid-20s and they're acting like they're 15. it's all too common, too.

anyway, my point is no one can help you unless you're willing to help yourself and notice i said "help" and not "love": yeah, i, too, find "no one will love you until you love yourself" to be complete shit and useless and cruel. but the fact of the matter is you can vent all you want but at the end of the day, you're in the driver's seat. you're the one in charge of your mind, body, and soul, and it's imperative to take charge and take care of all three. and what you do is totally up to you.

#rants #random thoughts #text

[evan-algore]

I haven't been active on any pro Ana anything in a while.

I haven't gotten diagnosed with any ED as of now (if I were to self-diagnose; it'd be EDNOS/OSFED) though I'm finally talking about it in therapy.

I haven't acted in any ED related behaviors in a while and the intrusive thoughts are near non existent. It's been almost a year since I've stressed over my meals and I've lost weight from it. Ironically, I expected this. (See; EDNOS/OSFED)

From 10y/o to 19y/o, I stayed between 147lbs and 130lbs despite destroying my digestive system and heart trying to be 118.13lbs (BMI of 18.5) or less. My eating disorder had been such a central part of my adolescence.

I don't know how, but around 2020, I guess I just had bigger fish to fry than my body, or maybe not having lost any real weight over a decade disillusioned me. Mentally; I was at my worst over quarantine and still kinda since so its primarily due to that. Just a temporary shifting of tides realistically.

These days, I struggle to remember the calorie counts of this, that, and the other thing I used to have memorized like gospel. I've been working as a cook at a restaurant for almost 2 years and find myself being able to sample the foods I make without anxiety.

I still had a lot of anxiety when I started the job but it feels like forever ago now.

I'm officially underweight as of a couple days ago. I put on a few gw cloths and I feel nothing. Not gratification nor shame. More like casual acceptance. (I think it was my 3rd gw that was 118.13. I remember it was my ugw up until I was 14y/o)

My mental health is still ass but the personification of ana in my head has since taken on a far more realistic and accommodating character personality.

I've reverted back to my old eating habits in which I easily forget to eat and never seem to be hungry anyway. It always bothered me how this went out the window when I started trying to restrict. (Again, see my assumption on EDNOS/OSFED lol)

Oily and greasy foods have always made me nauseous so that hasn't changed but, otherwise, I have no fear foods anymore. Milk was a fear food but I find myself drinking it as a meal replacement when I don't have an appetite or otherwise can't stomach solid food.

I've finally mentioned it in therapy but, all things considered, it's a low priority. There's still a risk of it coming back (I know that ed's can't just get up and walk away) so it will be addressed soon. It's kinda nice not having to deal with it so I want to make sure it stays that way. It's distressing how much of my day and life revolved around it.

I never expected to be in this position. I don't know how to feel. I was always terrified of being taken off my medication once I got diagnosed with an ed and I'm still terrified of that happening now (I've been taken off them before; long story short, an ed would be the least of my problems). I can only hope I can prove to my doctor's that I'm presently well enough to stay on my regiment and maybe being an adult will allow me more influence on that decision. I may be required to gain weight for that and another reason anyway so even my cw is likely temporary. Regaining the weight may summon my ed back into existence but time will tell.

Time will tell.

I figured I'd post some kind of update even though I didn't get much interaction on this account when I was active. The fact that this account still exists keeps popping up into memory and it feels weird to just leave it as is.

I just changed my bio from; "Male-19-cw:130lbs-hw:152-lw:128-hight: suffer.__I'm mostly posting memes (like my last two deactivated accounts lol) and not much else. I'm also five foot seven lol. I'm not that insane."

Throughout this, I did gain a lot of experience about how ed's tend to work. I'll end this with some advice that made it a little easier to live;

----If the alternative is a feeding tube, just eat something. If it works to threaten your anxiety with a 2k+ calorie feeding tube being shoved down your nose if it doesn't let you eat a can of tuna, do it.

----Eat or drink dairy before purging to neutralize the stomach acid and prevent stomach ulcers and tooth decay.

----Keep safe foods on hand when you can in case the anemia or protein deficiency becomes impossible to ignore.

----However much you'll eat that day, always make sure to eat after a workout, even if it's a small amount.

----Keep some kind of emergency kit somewhere you can reach in the event you can't physically get out of bed or get sick beyond management. (I kept aspirin, vitamins, tuna packets/protein bar, water, and an electric heating pad)

---- Otherwise, have an emergency plan if things go wrong. You know your health and you ed better than anyone else, take advantage of that for the sake of your life.

Listen to your body and take care of it for the long term.

Don't let your ed out-live you.

I don't know exactly what's going on with me or why it is the way it is so please don't think you can do the same one day; I still remember very vividly how powerless I really was to my ed when it was at it's prime.

Stay safe out there. I love y'all.

[kultured-kuromi]

Tw: heavy vent, topic of suicide, and self harm

I’ve had this in drafts for a few weeks just added on as I felt sad so if it seems jumbled that’s why

Idk how to add the little page break thing on tumblr mobile so if you’re sitting here scrolling for a minute I’m genuinely so sorry

So every winter my depression gets extremely bad as it does with most people so it’s no shocker that I’ve been in a slump for the past month but it’s bad this time the last time I could remember it being this bad was when I went through with my first attempt in 7th grade and I’m ngl I’ve heavily been thinking about trying to make another attempt on my life I don’t only for my younger siblings I can’t handle the thought of them walking in on my dead body which they inevitably would (my brother wakes me up every morning) and everytime I think about this scenario I start spiraling it’s hell but yeah not gonna kill my self ig. I’ve been using quite literally all my strength not to relapse and start self harming again I’ve been clean since November and I’m really trying to break the addiction but it’s so hard and I don’t really have any other coping mechanisms. In all honesty tho the real reason I don’t go back to cutting is bc I threw away what I was using to do it and I have like actual knives but I’m scared of going to deep (kinda ironic ig). So I’ve had a group of friends since last February (feb 2022) there’s been 3 main people with others along as well I don’t feel like going into our whole history but a cliff note version of it is we started hanging out in feb in may I started dating person B in July I broke it off with B and ever since it’s basically been me vs B (the others occasionally joining me) well I started talking to B in November after not talking to him for 2 months and shit was great it was basically how it was back before we got together he even got me a shiny Pokémon for my birthday (which means a lot to me) but practically since it’s been new year’s he went back to how he was in September (when we first stopped talking) just an asshole we obviously were annoyed by each other then we got in a “fight” so we stopped talking again anyways so that was Sunday I didn’t have school Monday but Tuesday and Wednesday he’s still been hanging around my group which is fine they’re his friends to but like I hate it bc they’re not talking to me pretty much at all throughout the day bc the only time I see person A and C person B is also there… it feels like he’s stealing my friends from me even my moirail (person A) is hanging out with him more and they don’t even like him so I feel left out completely I feel invisible and alone but not alone bc when I was alone it didn’t even feel this painful I just sit there in silence tears in my eyes but not letting them fall I stare off into space with one AirPod in trying to now ignore the outside world making little stories in my head with my f/os but in reality I just want my moirail to hug me and let me know everything’s alright and that I’m not losing anyone and that if I were to kill myself they would care they would be upset by it stuff like that but no nothing. I haven’t been able to do any school work bc of my mental state even if I take my meds (adhd meds I should probably clarify) which is weird bc my meds always keep me on track but not now ig fuck for example I have like 6 algebra assignments that become 0s tomorrow and I frankly just don’t care. When people I know tell me they don’t have tiktok i always laugh at them like c’mon it’s not that bad but it is it is that bad for example I posted a few videos of my face today and I got tons of comments fat shamming(which really helps my eating disorder but whatever),being called poor, and genuine trans + homophobia I have some pretty tough skin when it comes to these comments usually but if you haven’t noticed I’m a single problem away from violently killing myself so these comments got so bad that I had to private my account which in my 8-9 years on the internet i have never had to do. I think that’s it idk.

Oh there is actually one more thing I want to mention this happened months ago but has been pissing me off since so to put this lightly I had a dream where Murdoc from Gorillaz sexually assaulted me (yes Ik he would never do this but I can’t control my dreams) I have trauma when it comes to stuff like this bc I was sa’d as a child and I’m on the asexual spectrum so I don’t like to think of my f/os in a sexual light anyways I go to vent in my discord server that has all my friends in it looking for support (even though they were all asleep venting then makes me feel better) so I feel really dirty and sad bc again this was a sa related dream I post a kinda detailed version of the dream in #venting channel then Person B starts typing and replies with “nice fanfic” and I wish I fucking screenshoted that bc wtf dude it’s bc he’s never had/really heard about a sa situation i understand that but still why?

Vent Over

if you read this thanks ig it’s just nice to know an another living body knows my problems so I’m not necessarily suffering alone <3

TL;DR I really need a hug ffs

#jester’s venting again 😡 #tw #trigger warning #vent #cw vent #depression #this probably seems like stupid teen stuff to a lot of people but to me it is very bad #thank god i have my comfort content #Spotify

[tyrannuspitch]

Jumping off @kidrat​ ’s recent post on JKR, British transphobia, and transphobia against transmasculine people, after getting a bit carried away and too long to add as a comment:

A major, relatively undiscussed event in JKR’s descent into full terfery was this tweet:

[image id: a screenshot of a tweet from JK Rowling reading: “’People who menstruate.’ I’m sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud?”

Rowling attaches a link to an article titled: “Opinion: Creating a more equal post-COVID-19 world for people who menstruate” /end id]

This can seem like a pretty mundane TERF talking point, just quibbling over language for the sake of it, but I think it’s worth discussing, especially in combination with the idea that cis women like JKR see transmasculine transition as a threat to their womanhood. (Recite it with horror: ”If I were young now, I might’ve transitioned...”)

A lot of people, pro- or anti-transphobe, will make this discussion about whether the term “woman” should include trans women or not, and how cis women are hostile to the inclusion of trans women. And that’s absolutely true. But the actual language cis women target is very frequently being changed for the benefit of trans men, not trans women, and most of them know this.

Cis people are used to having their identities constantly reaffirmed and grounded in their bodies. A lot of cis women, specifically, understand their social and physical identities as women as being defined by pain: misogynistic oppression is equated to the pains of menstruation or childbirth, and both are seen as the domain of cis women. They’re something cis women can bond over and build a “sisterhood” around, and the more socially aware among them can recognise that cis women’s pain being taken less seriously by medicine is not unrelated to their oppression. However, in the absence of any trans perspectives, these conversations can also easily become very territorial and very bioessentialist.

Therefore... for many cis women, seeing “female bodies” described in gender neutral language feels like stripping their pain of its meaning, and they can become very defensive and angry.

And the consequences for transmasculine people can be extremely dangerous.

Not only do transmasculine people have an equal right to cis women to define our bodies as our own... Using inclusive language in healthcare is about more than just emotional validation.

The status quo in healthcare is already non-inclusive. When seeking medical help, trans people can expect to be misgendered and to have to explain how our bodies work to the doctors. We risk harassment, pressure to detransition, pressure to sterilise ourselves, or just being outright turned away. And the conversation around pregnancy and abortion in particular is heaving with cisnormativity - both feminist and anti-feminist cis women constantly talk about pregnancy as a quintessentially female experience which men could never understand.

Using gender-neutral language is the most basic step possible to try and make transmasculine people safer in healthcare, by removing the idea that these are “women’s spaces”, that men needing these services is impossible, and that safety depends on ideas like “we’re all women here”. Not institutionally subjecting us to misgendering and removing the excuse to outright deny us treatment is, again, one of the most basic steps that can be taken. It doesn’t mean we’re allowed comfort, dignity or full autonomy, just that one major threat is being addressed. The backlash against this from cis women is defending their poorly developed senses of self... at the cost of most basic dignity and safety for transmasculine people.

Ironically, though transphobic cis women feel like decoupling “women’s experiences” from womanhood is decoupling them from gendered oppression, transmasculine people experience even more marginalisation than cis women. Our rates of suicide and assault are even higher. Our health is even less researched than cis women’s. Our bodies are even more strictly controlled. Cis women wanting to define our bodies on their terms is a significant part of that. They hold the things we need hostage as “women’s rights”, “women’s health”, “women’s discussions” and “support for violence against women”, and demand we (re-)closet ourselves or lose all of their solidarity.

Fundamentally, the problem is that transphobic cis women are possessive over their experiences and anyone who shares them. Because of their binary understanding of gender, they’re uncomfortable with another group sharing many of their experiences but defining themselves differently. They’re uncomfortable with transmasculine people identifying “with the enemy” instead of “with their sisters”, and they’re even more uncomfortable with the idea that there are men in the world who they oppress, and not the other way around. “Oppression is for women; you can’t call yourself a man and still claim women’s experiences. Pregnancy is for women; if you want to be a man so badly why haven’t already you done something about having a woman’s body? How dare you abandon the sisterhood while inhabiting one of our bodies?”

Which brings me back to the TERF line about how “If I were young now, I might have transitioned.”

I’m not saying Rowling doesn’t actually feel any personal connection to that narrative - but it is a standard line, and it’s standard for a reason. Transphobic cis women really believe that there is nothing trans men go through that cis women don’t. They equate our dysphoria to internalised misogyny, eating disorders, sexual abuse or other things they see as “female trauma”. They equate our desire to transition to a desire to escape. They want to “help us accept ourselves” and “save us” from threats to their sense of identity. The fact is, this is all projection. They refuse to consider that we really have a different internal experience from them.

There’s also a marked tendency among less overtly transphobic cis women, even self-proclaimed trans allies, to make transphobia towards trans men about cis women.

Violence against trans men is chronically misreported and redefined as “violence against women”. In activist spaces, we’re frequently told that any trauma we have with misogyny is “misdirected” and therefore “not really about us”. If we were women, we would’ve been “experiencing misogyny”, but men can’t do that, so we should shut up and stop “talking over women”. (Despite the surface difference of whether they claim to affirm our gender, this is extremely similar to how TERFs tell us that everything we experience is “just misogyny”, but that transmasculine identity is a delusion that strips us of the ability to understand gender or the right to talk about it.)

I have personally witnessed an actual N*zi writing an article about how trans men are “destroying the white race” by transitioning and therefore becoming unfit to carry children, and because the N*zi had misgendered trans men in his article, every response I saw to it was about “men controlling women’s bodies”.

All a transphobe has to do is misgender us, and the conversation about our own oppression is once again about someone else.

Transphobes will misgender us as a form of violence, and cis feminist “allies” will perpetuate our misgendering for rhetorical convenience. Yes, there is room to analyse how trans men are treated by people who see us as women - but applying a simple “men oppressing women” dynamic that erases our maleness while refusing to even name transphobia or cissexism is not that. Trans men’s oppression is not identical to cis women’s, and forcing us to articulate it in ways that would include cis women in it means we cannot discuss the differences.

It may seem like I’ve strayed a long way from the original topic, and I kind of have, but the central reason for all of these things is the same:

Trans men challenge cis women’s self-concept. We force them to actually consider what manhood and womanhood are and to re-analyse their relationship to oppression, beyond a simple binary patriarchy. 

TERFs will tell you themselves that the acknowledgement of trans people, including trans men, is an “existential threat” that is “erasing womanhood” - not just our own, but cis women’s too. They hate the idea that biology doesn’t determine gender, and that gender does not have a strict binary relationship to oppression. They’re resentful of the idea that they could just “become men”, threatened by the assertion that doing so is not an escape, and completely indignant at the idea that their cis womanhood could give them any kind of power. They are, fundamentally, desperate not to have to face the questions we force them to consider, so they erase us, deflect from us, and talk over us at every opportunity.

Trans men are constantly redefined against our wills for the benefit of cis womanhood.

TL;DR:

Cis women find transmasculine identity threatening, because we share experiences that they see as foundational to their womanhood

The fact that transphobes target inclusive language in healthcare specifically is not a mistake - They do not want us to be able to transition safely

Cis women are uncomfortable acknowledging transphobia, so they make discussion of trans men’s oppression about “womanhood” instead

This can manifest as fully denying that trans men experience our own oppression, or as pretending trans men’s experiences are identical to cis women’s in every way

#transphobia #transmasculinity #transandrophobia #this could maybe do with one more proofread but i've spent way too long on this so whatever!

[dr3amofagame]

Since starvation is canon imagine Dream in the future having to deal with the mental effects of it. His armor doesn't fit and feels like carrying hard rocks that hit him in his bones painfully. It's harder to do things that he did so easily before. He used to be able to move freely, whenever he was trapped he could rely on his body to carry him away from any bad situation. He could climb trees and run and swim so eaily but now it's so much harder, so much more tiring. It's a trapping feeling that follows him around constantly.

aww this ask made me sad ,, yeah post-pandora recovery is going to be a Bitch And A Half. just *shakes c!sam* stop violating basic human rights you creeper man you. 

anyway, have some more syndicate c!dream angst!! 

tws: ed mention (kinda), disordered eating, starvation, trauma, torture (mentioned), vomit mention, internalized ableism (? dream makes a few statements that sorta brush off his trauma), pandora’s vault/prison arc

His armor doesn’t fit anymore.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow. Dream may not be like Techno, is hardly as careful with his armor - he’ll slap on a Prot IV, Mending, maybe Unbreaking if he’s feeling generous, but he’s never really managed to shake the careless ambivalence he’s learned to regard most of his belongings with after their inevitable destruction, not after the chaos that made up growing up with Sapnap and George - not to mention the training from manhunts. His armor was a rushed, simple thing, made much the same way as he would craft any set in iron, the extent of its personalization limited to the neatly-printed “Nightmare” he used to mark each piece as his own. Even so - it had once been his, his constant companion as he traveled around the server, as comfortable over his shoulders as a second skin - it wasn’t pretty, or well-crafted, or worth anything much at all, but it was his.

He doesn’t have very many things that were his from before.

Most of the set is still left on the armor stand Techno had left in the room, only the chestplate missing from the wooden dummy so he can hold it up with his own two hands. He brushes his hands over the surface, feeling out the familiar runes scrawled over it back and front, hardly even legible thanks to his rush job. It’s clearly taken a beating or ten, nicks and scrapes covering it back and front - some familiar, most not - and he frowns as he shifts its weight between his hands, heavy and leaving his arms straining even after just a few minutes.

He’s no stranger to proper training - knows, still, after so long without sparring or practice or anything, that the set is too heavy for him. He may lean towards a lighter armor than most to allow for his movement and parkour, but it was still made for someone well-practiced and healthy - nothing like the wreck of bones and skin he’s become after months without proper meals and torture. He can hardly hold up just the chestplate alone - he’s not stupid. Netherite is heavy, and he can hardly manage more than iron for an hour or two.

He bites his lip, before tucking his head to his chest and pulling the chestplate up anyway.

His hands are clumsy as he pulls the straps tight, fumbling weakly with the buckles in a way that makes his teeth grind against each other. The weight immediately presses against his still-healing ribs, making them creak and ache dangerously in his chest, and the sudden, gasping pressure on his lungs nearly sends him into a panic. He ignores it all, focused on the worn leather on either side, pulls each piece as tight as it will go.

He’s not wearing any padding, and the feeling of the hard metal against his bones is hardly what anyone could call “comfortable,” calls back memories of himself, a foot on his back, pressed against unforgiving obsidian. He breathes in another slow, shivering breath, chest struggling to expand against the weight, and stands in front of the mirror.

He looks dumb.

It reminds him of being a kid and trying on Sam’s diamond armor for the first time, completely dwarfed by its height and breadth, waddling around awkwardly from the foreign weight strapped to his chest and the awkward way it hung off of him. His armor is more familiar but no less unfitting, hollow spaces lingering that should’ve been filled by muscle and fat, his sharp edges digging uncomfortably against its surface. It hums with the same feeling of unbelonging, like he’s taken something that belongs to someone else entirely, the same heavy discomfort that comes from wearing someone else’s shirt or drinking from another person’s mug. Hot tears spring to his eyes, and he stubbornly blinks them away; it’s just a stupid set of armor, really, it doesn’t matter at all-

“Hey, nerd.” Techno’s voice is muffled outside the door, and he knocks softly against the doorframe twice - a request to enter. Dream stares at himself a moment longer, debating whether to shuck off the chestplate first, before sighing and kicking at the floor - once, twice, granting permission.

The door opens slowly, but Dream’s traitorous body freezes anyway for a moment, muscles locked and tensed painfully under the heavy armor, and he forces another breath into his lungs to stave off the panic. Thankfully, Techno knows about his stupid brain enough to know to give him some time, leaning against the door frame as he counts off the seconds in his head until he looks back up again to signal that he’s ready for him to come closer.

His eyebrow lifts and he gestures at the armor he’s wearing. “That’s your old set, right?”

He nods, worrying his lips between his teeth as he lifts his hands to sign. Yeah. Ranboo brought them from S-N-O-W-C-H-E-S-T-E-R.

“Makes sense.” Techno’s face twists as he struggles to follow Dream’s signs; he’s learned quicker than he would’ve expected, at first, but there’s a few things that Dream needs to fingerspell, still. He looks him up and down, a wry smile on his face. “Isn’t that a bit heavy?”

Dream gnaws on his lips further, trying to decide what to say, explain what has left him staring at the mirror in silence for upwards of ten, fifteen minutes now. If he was more in the mood, he’d make a joke about his self-absorption. Instead, he looks away, signing with quick, overly casual movements.

Wanted to see if it fit. It doesn’t anymore.

“Ah,” Techno’s voice, low and drawling, has picked up that knowing tone that Dream’s learning to hate. “I see.”

He frowns, keeping his eyes trained the bottom half of the mirror, to his too-skinny legs peeking out of the bottom of his sweatpants. He tries not to look at himself too much now, doesn’t know what to make of the near-skeleton that stares back at him when he bothers to look, all sharp edges and unnatural hollows, the foreign ridges of his spine running down his back and his ribs sticking out at his sides. None of it is his - not this armor, not this body, all of it belonging to a Dream that hadn’t been through the fire and brimstone of Pandora, that didn’t recoil at the taste of potatoes, that could eat more than two meals a day without throwing up.

“Dream?”

He shakes himself out of his own thoughts, tasting iron from where he’d torn apart his lips with his teeth. He balls his fist, pulls it to his chest. Sorry.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” He can hear the sound of Techno shifting from side to side, awkward in the silence hanging thick and heavy in the room, “Anyway, Phil’s made some stew. You goin’ to join us?”

The question gives him pause for far too long as he weighs his options - he knows he should eat more, knows that it’ll be the only thing that helps him fill out and heal and finally start recovering from everything in Pandora, but no matter how much he knows his mind still recoils harshly at the idea of more food. He’s not hungry at all, or maybe he is and he just doesn’t feel it anymore - it’s hard to tell, in this new normal. Everything’s hard, after Pandora.

In a few minutes, he finally signs, biting back a flush of shame at the clear surprise in Techno’s expression.

“Alright, whenever you want, nerd.”

Techno walks out the room, and Dream sighs, a wheezing heave of breath that leaves him exhausted and makes the chestplate feel heavier than ever. One by one, he reaches for the buckles, maneuvering them open so he can pull the netherite over his head and let it fall onto his bed. He stares at the thing for a few minutes longer, lips pursed, at the messily drawn runes and the unfamiliar dents along the top edge and a gouge carved on one side, deep enough to expose a slight blue line of the diamond underneath, and huffs, turning away.

He’ll have to call up Ranboo or something later to see if anyone wants an old set of netherite armor. He has no use for it, anymore.

#tw ed #tw eating disorder #tw starvation #tw disordered eating #tw trauma #tw torture #tw vomit #tw internalized ableism #tw ableism #pandora's vault #prison arc #long post #my writing :D #my asks !!

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!

(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!”  because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).

Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!

This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 

Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]

Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -

EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RUSSEL 

First date.

They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 

ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...

RUSSEL I know. Me too.

ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...

[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]

****Remember this detail, as it is important.

ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 

Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 

Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -

"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”

-Revelations 6:5

Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  

Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:

CASTIEL 

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "

"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "

"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "

***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?

Gluttony

and Lust.

***this is also important

Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or

have premarital sex.

***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM

Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.

DEAN 

And when did you start eating?

CASTIEL 

Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.

***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->

SAM 

I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.

CASTIEL 

Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)

we get a red herring

CASTIEL 

Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.

DEAN 

Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

CASTIEL 

It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect

***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?

give me a damn break.

to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.

it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  

SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.

Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?

**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud

DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.

***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -

DR. CORMAN [to Dean]

Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.

****was that a flirtation?

***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   

SAM

I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?

DEAN 

Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

SAM 

So you're not into bars full of lonely women?

DEAN 

Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?

SAM 

That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.

***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm

ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*

 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives

****JACKTING JOICES

oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.

frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]

but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.

FAMINE 

I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

DEAN 

Oh, you're so full of crap.

FAMINE 

Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 

***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?

I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 

***not THIS parallel:

AMARA:

You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame

You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 

***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!

***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].

BONUS

there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  

Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  

This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 

Wanna know the kicker?  

Episode’s called Metamorphosis.

(GIF by jackttwist)

I’ll see myself out.

[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:

if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]

***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]

#yes I did do a meat meta #and what of it #destiel #spn #spn fandom #supernatural #spn family #myspnmeta #my spn meta #hellerism #deancas #longpost #spn analysis #spn 5x14 #spn bloody valentine #meat meta #<- I do not even want to know or see what else that tag would lead to