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spacexseven · 1 year

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Someone said something that sparked more yandere floyd thoughts. Please hear me out.

You start to question your relationship with floyd. Whether that be out of insecurities or noticing Floyd's unhealthier yandere tendencies, it still causes you to avoid and ignore him at all costs. Hed be getting grumpier by the day too. Without his shrimpy his mood 📉📉 descends exponentially. Hes far more agitated and far more likely to deck people without warning.

If you start going so far as to not speak to him in classes and asking the professor to change your placement in the seating chart then Floyd will decide that enough is enough. When he finally manages to corner you he's livid. He hides it under a guise of sadness and disappointment. If you think youre the problem he will immediately say that's wrong and drag you around all while telling you everything he adores about you. If you say hes the problem prepare for the gaslighting that will ensue.

(⁠｡⁠・⁠/⁠/⁠ε⁠/⁠/⁠・⁠｡⁠)🧡

-Floyd Simp

i love u floyd simp anon...i really do... i'm using the one w/ darling realizing floyd's yandere tendencies here~

cw: yandere character + themes

it strikes you one day as you see floyd glaring at an underclassman that maybe there was something wrong with the way he was acting. maybe there was a reason for your friends to talk to you less now, and keep trying to find reasons to run off in the middle of conversations. and maybe, the reason for all of this was floyd.

it was normal for floyd to like you, sure, but you've been starting to feel like he may be liking you a little too much. it sounded silly when you thought of it at first, but the more you've been mulling over the idea, the more everything makes sense. the need for him to be constantly glued to your side, the snarky comments toward all your other friends and classmates, and the way he easily stepped into your space and made himself comfortable; had you really been so blind to all the signs?

it was easy to lose yourself in his intimate caresses and the excitement that followed him, so much so that sometimes, you couldn't comprehend how intense his feelings were getting, how his grip tightened every time you mentioned someone else, and how easily he could convince you to do as he wanted.

still, you didn't think that he'd be so rattled by how you began to avoid him. floyd, you were sure, had better things to do than be upset over your absence, but he seemed strangely bothered by it. you'd often see him watching you closely as you made your way down the halls, and even caught sight of him standing outside the mirror leading to your dorm with an unreadable expression on his face. and you heard, too, that he was starting to become more...irritable.

the appearance of a scowl marring his face was becoming more and more common, which was a jarring contrast to the usual smiles he carried around you, and his words felt...harsher. you've overheard whispers from his dormmates that he's attacked yet another student that week, and you've witnessed for yourself as he threatened an underclassman for stumbling into him outside a classroom. it was all extremely disturbing to watch unfold. was this really the floyd you knew?

initially, you only wanted a more objective view of the situation. you were hoping to reconnect with some old friends and see if it really was floyd who was isolating you, or, as a traitorously hopeful part of you believed, if he was really only looking out for you. however, it had been almost a month by now of you completely cutting off all contact with floyd, and as strange as all the newfound alone time you had no was, it didn't occur to you that he'd be taking it pretty hard as well.

it was hard enough to avoid interacting with him when most of your daily interactions previously were with floyd, but it was made even more awkward when you remembered the two of you sat together in a class you both took. how were you to ignore his presence when he was right next to you? you could feel his eyes on you, you could tell he wanted to talk to you, but you steeled your resolve in wanting to avoid all contact, and refused to acknowledge him.

the day you sat down with someone else instead of your usual seat with floyd, was also the day he finally snapped. he dragged you out of the class with ease, not sparing a single glance at your shocked figure. floyd, it appeared, had other pressing matters to attend to. he finally lets you up in an isolated corner, watching you with a slight frown as you maneuver yourself over to an empty seat,

"why're you ignoring me, shrimpy? what did i do wrong?" floyd's surprisingly calm voice worries you as much as it scares you.

"i don't like the way you treat me," is what you settle on for an answer, "i've been thinking about it and you...i don't need you scaring away people or insisting that you know better than me."

floyd's frown deepens, "but i only do that to make sure you're safe! remember that time i had to throw out that creepy guy from your magical potions class?"

there was that time..."but you've also been unnecessarily rude to my friends. they've done nothing wrong."

floyd sinks into his seat with an exasperated sigh, "it's not my fault that they got all frightened when i only wanted to scare them a little! shrimpy, you reallyyy can't blame me for that."

for a moment, you consider his argument. floyd could be intimidating to most people, and you were well aware of what an eccentric sense of humor he had. but was that all there was to it? did he really not mean to chase away your friends with his presence?

"i'm always looking out for you," he continues, "there are some real weirdos in nrc, you know? i love being with you 'cause we have so much fun together, and i can't have someone hurting my little shrimpy, or tryin' to take you away."

"say, you miss me too, don'tcha?" floyd leans in a little too close, "you know, i was real hurt when you moved away from me. you're not mad anymore, right? i'll make it up to you, if you want~"

"but—"

"ehh?" he's pouting now, and you're almost expecting him to start whining as well, "don't be like that, shrimpy! i said i was sorry already—oh, it's time for your next class!"

there's still so much you want to say, though at the pace floyd is pulling you out the door, you know that you'll have to save your words for another day. next time, you promise yourself, you won't let yourself be phased by his excuses.

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mellowthorn · 8 days

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Realm of the Elderlings Ask Meme Thing

Created by @hermitknut. I spotted this while browsing tags the other day and figured it might be fun to bring it back.

Favourite RotE Book: Assassin's Quest

Why: It's difficult to pick a single favorite, but I tend to go with AQ because it is where I truly fell in love with the series. The depiction of Fitz's loneliness speaks to me on a very personal level, and Fitz's character arc is overall just masterfully written. The way all the misfortune, abuse and heartbreak leads him to putting his feelings into the dragon and ultimately isolating himself from everyone he loves, is incredibly tragic, but the built-up is done so well that I really couldn't imagine the book ending any other way.

Additionally, AQ is where we finally begin to get information about the Elderlings and are introduced to other mysterious lore elements, like the memory stone, Silver, and the rooster crown. These little hints completely hooked me in and made it impossible to put the series down.

Also it's where the Fool barged in and stole not just the narrative but also my heart.

Top Three Favourite Characters: Beloved, Fitz, Burrich (Paragon and Bee come close though)

Top Three Least Favourite Characters: Tats, Lant, Reyn

Favourite Ship (of the floating kind): Paragon

Top Three Favourite Ships (of the people kind): Fitzloved, Burrich/Chivalry, Patience/Lacey

Would you rather be Witted or Skilled: Witted

If you were Witted, what animal would you bond with?: Probably a dog, simply because dogs are the animal that I most often interact with. But ignoring practicalities, maybe some kind of a bird? An owl?

Would you rather live in the Outislands, the Mountain Kingdom, the Six Duchies, Bingtown, the Rain Wilds, Kelsingra, Jamaillia, the Pirate Isles, or Fool’s Homeland?: Kelsingra! I have a really strong fondness for Kelsingra. It's both exciting and oddly cozy, and I'd love to explore it for myself.

How were you introduced to the books? I was looking for a fantasy book with good characters, and the Farseer Trilogy was the first series that I came across. A booktuber I watch had mentioned Hobb before, so I decided to give it a try.

Share a quote you love: This is one of my favorites from Amber, from chapter 16 of The Mad Ship.

‘Half the evil in this world occurs while decent people stand by and do nothing wrong. It’s not enough to refrain from evil, Trell. People have to attempt to do right, even if they believe they cannot succeed.’ ‘Even when it’s stupid to try?’ he asked with savage sarcasm. ‘Especially then,’ she replied sweetly. ‘That’s how it’s done, Trell. You break your heart against this stony world. You fling yourself at it, on the side of good, and you do not ask the cost. That’s how you do it.’

Tagging: I'm going to start with @tragediegh, @spectrum-color, @gwenllian-in-the-abbey, @thenightisland and @everywaythatmatters. No pressure of course! And I'd also love to see even more people do this, so as far as I'm concerned, everyone in the RotE fandom is tagged :)

#rote ask meme #tag game #rote #realm of the elderlings

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artemisia-black · 3 years

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Do you think Sirius had any sort of mental condition like BPD or bipolar like some people headcanon? I'm enjoying your Pietas story btw :)

Thank you for both your question and for reading Pietas ( legit my labour of love)

Most psychologists and psychiatrists can’t diagnose fictional characters because a diagnosis requires interacting with a patient.

So this is just my personal opinion.

I read Sirius as someone who has C-PTSD.

While PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is caused by long-lasting trauma that continues or repeats for months, even years (commonly referred to as "complex trauma").

Although C-PTSD, mainly focuses on childhood events, the brain is still developing up until 25 and the majority of Sirius’s trauma happens before then.

A brief overview of his history

We only get three glimpses of him as young man/teenager:

1. The train scene in the Prince’s tale

2. The scene in Snape’s Worst memory

3. The Elvendork prequel

I’m not counting the prank/willow incident in this as there’s not enough canonical insight into the incident or context (it’s mainly been filled in my fandom).

So there’s not that much to work with from these scenes alone but we do know that his home life gets so bad that he runs away and looks after himself from 17 years old.

He is then thrown into a war where he is on the opposite side of his brother.

He experiences the death of comrades from the Order. And I know the fandom likes to paint him as James’s sidekick, but I’m sure he had other friends within the order. Maybe he didn’t love them quite as much as he loved James, but no person is only about one other person.

His father dies and his brother disappears and is presumed dead. The fact that Sirius has such a detailed theory about what happened to Regulus, means that he spent time both thinking about it and investigating. There is an excellent book called the Red Parts (see references) , which explores how an unsolved murder effects the way family members grieve for the victim. And I truly believe that Sirius grieved deeply for his brother ( he threw out heirlooms yet left Regulus’s room untouched).

He then loses James and Lilly and finds their dead bodies. Witnesses the death of 12 people in what is essentially a terrorist incident. In this context, I read his laughing as a trauma response. Psychology today, has a really interesting article about why people laugh when talking about trauma:

“ Laughter can be a defense that protects the trauma survivor from feeling the depth of their actual pain.”

He is then placed in solitary confinement with poor hygiene and tortured for 12 years.

A large body of research shows that solitary confinement causes adverse psychological effects and increases the risk of serious harm to individuals who experience it. According to an article in the Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, isolation can be as distressing as physical torture.

He then lives in near starvation for the next two years. After which he is then locked away again, with large periods of isolation. And has to reconcile that he’s a pariah in the wizarding world, and everyone in the order once thought him a mass murderer. Even if exonerated that infamy will continue to follow him.

In conclusion, I think the books skate over how bad Azkaban is and even JKR called him ‘embittered’ but as a character he has lived though multiple traumatic events. And that’s even before we dig into the deep emotional wounding he suffered from his families rejection.

Sirius and complex trauma

According to the NHS, these are the symptoms for complex- ptsd:

* feelings of shame or guilt

Example: the guilt he feels over James and Lilly’s death

* difficulty controlling your emotions

Example: He has a temper. Slashing the Fat Lady’s portrait etc. He also has depressive periods

* periods of losing attention and concentration (dissociation)

I can’t think of any examples

* physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches

Not enough info in cannon

* cutting yourself off from friends and family

He withdraws several times in OoTP

* relationship difficulties

This is hard to judge as he’s a fugitive who’s main support network is dead

* destructive or risky behaviour, such as self-harm, alcohol misuse or drug abuse

He definitely uses alcohol to self soothe.

The way I interpret Sirius in Pietas

I’m glad your enjoying Pietas. And within the story I write him though the lens of complex trauma.

That’s why his anger is always just below the surface;

“ He knew he should rein in his anger and was keenly aware that Kreacher would report his outburst to Orion.”

“ He paused, catching sight of Regulus laughing and talking with a group of Italian Slytherins and anger surged through him, cutting off all sense of reason.”

Plus he often feels overwhelmed by his emotions:

“ The silence that seemed to be a feature of all his recent interactions returned, and Sirius felt a tiredness that caused his bones to ache.”

“ He felt as though a current was pulsating across his skin, a slipstream of restless energy that he longed to vent.”

I also frequently write him as feeling dizzy and having physical symptoms of his emotions. Yet he longs for his family’s acceptance and love and is deeply wounded by their rejection of him. This is best exemplified by the first scene of chapter 6:

“ His thoughts spun wildly as he took a moment of solace, because fulfilling his duty would mean that Regulus would stop hating him. That perhaps being the perfect scion, however suffocating, might make his parents look at him with pride once more. That maybe he would be his mother’s son again instead of her biggest disappointment. A brief image of her lovingly stroking his hair flashed across his mind as dizziness overtook him.”

And then later on:

“ He had halted once more, looking over at the girl still seated on the bench with an undisguised fondness that made Sirius ache with a profound sense of loneliness. He could not remember the last time any member of his immediate family had looked at him with anything but anger or dissatisfaction and to his embarrassment, his eyes began to sting.”

To conclude, literature is always open for interpretation and people often frame characters within their own experiences. As long as his mental health isn’t equated to his morality, or not used as proof that he is irreparably ‘ damaged,’ or ‘broken’, then I live and let live.

It is always possible to live with mental health issues and have a rich and fulfilled life.

References

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201509/why-clients-smile-when-talking-about-trauma-part-1%3famp

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex/

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2017/jun/02/the-red-parts-autiobiography-of-a-trial-maggie-nelson-review-murder-trial-family-grief

#sirius black #harry potter fanfiction #regulus black #the noble and most ancient house of black #harry potter #marauders #mental health in literature #complex trauma #my writing #sirius orion black #anon asks

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capricores · 3 years

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✨ the signs and work (careers, needs in workplace, work-mindset, etc)

♡ check your sun, mars, ascendant, midheaven and sixth house signs. keep in mind your entire chart, especially planets in the sixth/tenth house can hugely change the expression of this. sagittarius mars + midheavens tend to hate routine, but if you have a taurus sun/moon, you’re likely to prefer routine and be more comfortable with it. the aspects to these planets and your midheaven/ascendant can entirely change things too. this is a general post.

i also recommend checking the position of your midheaven ruler and the sign/house it is in (ruler of the midheaven is simply the planet that rules the signs of your midheaven: sun=leo, moon=cancer, mercury=gemini/virgo, venus=libra/taurus, mars=aries/scorpio, jupiter=sagittarius/pisces, saturn=capricorn/aquarius, neptune=pisces, uranus=aquarius, pluto=scorpio). so if you have a gemini midheaven, look to what sign your mercury is in and read for that as well.

reasons for choosing these placements: sixth house represents routine, habits and service; it will more-so highlight how you feel about and approach day-to-day work and serving others. midheaven is your ideal career and ambitions in the workplace; it’s also your image while at work. ascendant + sun both blend together to create one’s general temperament and personality; as well as outlook on life. these two placements highlight hobbies, desires, wants; and therefore influence career needs and work habits. mars is your drive, ambition, energy, etc; therefore showing up in the workplace strongly.

bite-sized version (see the read more for full sign explanations)

aries: careers that allow independence and decision-making. careers in the outdoors. high-energy, physical careers; careers that allow them to use their hands. entrepreneurship is ideal as they like to have complete control over their projects and schedules. jobs with competitive factors will be most motivating to them. they do really well in high-stress careers that require fast-action. sales, any sort of business ventures, management, directing, athletics, construction, welding, etc.

taurus: careers that offer consistency, stability and security. careers that allow for independence. entrepreneurship; taureans aren’t good at taking orders. anything involving the environment, animals, or children. coffee shops, bakeries, childcare, environmental activism, tree nursery staff, animal rescue, etc. taurus placements hold high levels of creativity and are very good at curating styles that appeal to wide varieties: therefore design (fashion, interior - even food/graphic design) based careers are ideal.

gemini: intellectual stimulation, flexibility and frequent change are absolute requirements in gemini careers. without frequent mental stimulation, gemini placements get anxious and want to quit. it’s hard for them to stick to jobs that don’t offer lots of change, variety and difficulties. engineering, computer programming, math-based careers, etc. geminis are excellent communicators are thrive in careers involving writing, public speaking, sales, etc. the environment and people gemini works with are as important as the job itself for them. gemini needs to do multiple things at once; careers involving multi-tasking are essential. routine, predictable careers are the enemy.

cancer: cancers need stability and control in their career. they’re very nostalgic and can often be seen carrying on family businesses or pursuing careers influenced by their families. research & history based careers are great for cancers (historian, librarian, scientific research, detective, etc). cancers do well connecting with others; careers that allow genuine interaction are great (psychologist, social worker, human resources, etc). careers that allow them control. the environment of a cancer’s work space is extremely important: they usually do best working at home. careers relating to food. careers connecting to childcare.

leo: careers need to allow them recognition and praise; attention via career is important (social media, tv personalities, etc). careers that allow a creative outlet with high-energy; but still offer stability and consistency. competitive environments are best for leo. working with children, athletic coaching, fashion, sales, marketing, and so forth are all great paths. management positions or running their own business is ideal for leos who don’t take well to criticism or direction. leos love being social and enjoy careers that give them a social outlet. analytical careers pair surprisingly well with leo; i’ve noticed they’re often drawn to and successful with paths relating to computer science & engineering.

virgo: similar to gemini, careers that are fast-paced and challenging are essential. mental stimulation is an absolute must, and the most important factor for a virgo. careers revolving around healing, health and nutrition fit well with virgo. working with animals and the environment. analytical, logic-forward careers that requirement complex solutions and quick thinking. careers involving communication, especially written, are ideal. virgos are excellent with small details and do well with careers that focus on these. writing, computer programming, chemistry, engineering, teaching, vet tech, dietician, doctor, surgeon, etc.

libra: careers heavily connected to aesthetics: libras require beauty in every aspect of life, especially career (fashion, interior & graphic design; any art-related field; music, etc). careers loaded with social interactions, libras get drained and bored in a career that’s isolating and lonely. ilbras are charming and do well in positions like sales that utilize this charm for personal gain. careers that require a strong sense of justice and morals (law, judge, detective, managerial positions, etc).

scorpio: competitive, target based careers that give them power. behind-the-scenes careers that give them recognition but still allows their privacy. creative -heavy careers such as writing, art, fashion. careers connecting to the occult (ie: astrology/divination). careers that allow them to utilize their unmatchable investigation skills (detective, lawyer, scientist, etc). careers that give them flexibility, yet stability; the only change they want to experience at work is self-controlled. scorpios prefer to work alone than in groups; careers of solitude or ones that allow them to control others are best.

sagittarius: careers that allow them to channel their natural educator & humanitarian role (teacher, philosopher, lawyer, philanthropist, etc). careers that allow them to travel as part of their job (pilot, travel guide, trip planner, translator, etc). careers with huge amount of flexibility, frequent change; careers that give them independence and allow for constant growth, learning and expansion. they never want to be fully “comfortable”. athletic, physical careers; careers in the outdoors (ie: athletic coach, sports teams, etc).

capricorn: careers that allow for complete autonomy and control. entrepreneurship was made for capricorns. careers that promise stability, security, and a laid-out climb to the top. careers heavily based in logic & analyzing; finance-based careers are also ideal. financial analysis, architecture, CFO positions, etc. working with animals and being connected to the earth are beneficial. management positions are ideal, although capricorns tend to do everything themselves regardless of who’s working for them. careers that involve a lot of careful planning and thinking ahead; routine.

aquarius: careers involving music and/or art (nearly every aqua placement i meet is talented in + passionate about some artistic outlet, channelling these interests into careers is beneficial). careers involving technology, science, and lots of analyzing/logic. computer science, engineering, mathematician, data analyst, etc. careers that give them longer periods of isolation with healthy amounts of socialization in between; they require a good balance. careers that give them independence, yet structure; careers that change on their own terms only.

pisces: careers with complete flexibility: routines, heavy structure and similar are the enemy. careers that allow a channel for healing and/or spirituality (divination, astrology, nutrition, psychology, etc). careers relating to philosophy, humanitarianism, teaching; much like sagittarius - anything that allows frequent growth and expansion. careers heavy with travel and new experiences. careers that allow a creative outlet are best for pisces (design, photography, filmography, music), they also do well in social based careers such as being influencers or tv stars. avoid careers with rough environments as they’re the sign most likely to absorb negative energies.

♡ mutable signs (pisces, sagittarius, gemini, virgo):

these signs have busy minds. they always need to be moving, and require constant mental stimulation. work without mental stimulation will quite literally drive them up the wall. if their work traps them into non-challenging (gemini/virgo) or routine (pisces/sagittarius) environments, they’ll not only want to quit, but likely be negatively impacted in terms of energy and mental health. if you have strong mutable placements, it’s important for you to find a flexible and stimulating career; a career with a lot of socializing is often preferable as well. they require lots of encouragement and praise in their work to stay committed and on-track.

the ideal careers for mutable signs are ones that allow for stimulation and change (virgo is more comfortable with routine, gemini is *okay* with routine; but both requirement frequent challenges in the workplace to stay satisfied, they need to be “solving” things). mutable signs don’t mind working behind the scenes, or under the direction of someone else, so long as they’re in an exciting environment that allows them to fully utilize their wit, creativity and quick problem solving skills.

it’s very important for mutable signs to become friends with those in their workplace (especially pisces and gemini placement individuals). because of their constant need for mental (and also social) stimulation, it’s vital for them to be able to form friendships (not necessarily deep/close friendships, but at least surface level) in the workplace and have a frequent social outlet while working. mutable signs are also extremely susceptible to their environment and those around them (as are the water signs), so a toxic workplace will have a significantly harsher impact on their well-being than other signs would experience. their mental and physical health can both be immensely affected when they’re in toxic environments around toxic people (of course this is true for anyone, but mutables are drained by this on a whole other level). mutable signs can easily love a job they would normally hate, if the environment is positive and fun for them; and vice versa.

✧ sagittarius and pisces: no matter how much these two signs love their job, they will still hate their job. pisces and sagittarians tend to hate work. this isn’t because they’re lazy, or incapable of putting in hard work; because they’re more than capable, and do it frequently. but to them, work, especially routine work (nine to fives, forty hours a week, etc), limit them. pisces and sagittarius share jupiter as their ruler; jupiter is all about expansion, growth and freedom. these signs hate being boxed in and tied down. they require living lives that allow for frequent growth. namely, pisces and sagittarius love to always be learning and bettering themselves, especially spiritually and philosophically. if they’re stuck in a career that limits their expansion; or lacks “abundance” when it comes to choices and growth, they’ll be extremely unsatisfied.

pisces and sagittarians are free spirits, and these placements (especially in the personal planets and as ascendant) love physical change; aka traveling. a job that allows them to travel, especially to other countries/long distances, will be ideal and fulfilling for them. creative outlets, educational paths, or any career relating to spirituality, philosophy or similar will be best for them. pisces do really well in careers related to healing and helping; sagittarians do really well in careers related to teaching. sagittarians, being fire signs, also require careers that keep them relatively physically active.

some suggested careers (pisces, sagittarius): travel-related (flight attendant, trip planner, etc), translation/interpretation, photography, arts, astrology, divination, food (chef, front of house, etc), teaching, medicine (namely naturopaths, nutrition, etc), motivational / public speaking, philanthropy

✧ geminis and virgos: being mercury-ruled, these two signs need intellectual stimulation more than anyone else. they do not do well in monotonous or “easy/simple” jobs. although these two signs might not be as bothered by routine as their fellow mutable signs, they instead require a constantly challenging and stimulating environment. fast-paced, high-stress careers where they’re able to problem-solve and think on their feet are best for these two signs. although they have to be careful of overly stressful jobs and burning themselves out, due to their tendencies of overthinking, nervousness and how easily stressed they can get. it’s best for them to work in challenging environments, with kind and encouraging management, as to avoid any possible burnout or anxiety in the workplace.

again, thanks to their mercury influence, these signs have a way with words. anyone with strong gemini or virgo placements is bound to be great when it comes to writing and/or speaking. being an author is something those with either of these placements would really excel at. also, working in sales (mainly with gemini, virgo shyness and hermit habits may put them off of this career lol) is something gemini & virgo THRIVE in. they’re very good at speaking to others and swaying their opinions, so closing deals with people is a very easy and satisfying thing for them to do.

some suggested careers (gemini, virgo): computer science/technology fields, detective work, writing, research-based fields, nutrition/dietetics (virgo), sales (gemini), something with a lot of public speaking (but this likely freaks them out and makes them nervous- they are amazing at it though), event planning

some mutable careers (all/mixed): teaching, international relations, politics (sagittarius and gemini), music (pisces especially), comedy (gemini and sagittarius), marketing & sales, law, medical fields (virgo and pisces), travel & tourism, librarians/working in bookstores

♡ cardinal signs (aries, cancer, libra, capricorn):

these signs thrive most placed in roles of leadership and entrepreneurship. directing others and having control over their own actions and projects is most satisfying for these individuals. cancers and libras don’t mind working under the control of others, capricorn and aries do not do well in situations controlled or directed by others. however, capricorns and aries can handle working under others as long as they have a means for doing so (ie: they have some power over others at the same time, they’re awaiting a promotion, etc).

these signs are ambitious, initiators, and go-getters. they are the ones with the big ideas and the detailed plans of how things will go. they enjoy motivating others and seeing others succeed, so they make for wonderful managers. managerial positions are great for these signs, since they can struggle a bit with following through/staying on task, having a role where they create the ideas/tasks and have someone else finish it is more ideal.

✧ aries and capricorn: these signs, far more than other cardinals, really do better working alone or in positions of power. entrepreneurship is more ideal for these two than probably any other sign. additionally, both aries and capricorn are very connected to the physical realm. aries does really well in physically-active careers (manual labor, athletics, etc), and they also really love the outdoors. capricorn, being so connected to the earth, also loves any sort of outdoors/earth-connected career. jobs that allow them to be outside in nature, or directly working with nature, will do them both great.

these two signs are very good at managing and directing, however their styles can be a little harsh. they also tend to have the attitude where they’d rather do everything themselves so that it’s done “right”. because of this, it’s best for them to work independently at their own business, or to have someone working as a buffer of communication between them and employees when it comes to instructing and critiquing. they do, however, do very well as trainers, since they’re very to-the-point and enjoy allowing others to shadow them/vice versa. being trainers allows them to let out their overly picky/specific side for the better.

these two especially thrive in any career that allows them to showcase their straight-forward and analytical natures. fields such as law, are so amazing for both of these signs. aries loves the challenge of a field like law, and probably enjoys the ability to “argue” for work. capricorn’s interest will be held by the analytical, research based aspects of law, as well as the ability to “argue” for work. both signs enjoy being right, competitiveness, and independence, so fields similar to law are perfect.

both signs can also handle high-stress and high-pressure environments with ease, quite possibly more than any other signs. they also need frequent challenge and competitiveness in careers, so any sort of job that hits these requirements would be best. if they don’t feel as if they’re climbing a ladder, or achieving a visible, measurable level of success (ie: hitting/exceeding targets), they won’t feel fulfilled.

some suggested careers (aries, capricorn): entrepreneurship, instructing/coaching (athletics, etc), athletics (aries), project managers/management in general, conservationists, lawyers, food service, finance/accounting, any analytical/logic-based careers (capricorn), architecture, computer programming, sales (aries; they have the energy + charisma for this), marketing, real estate (aries), physical therapy, chiropractor, personal trainer (aries)

✧ cancer and libra: one important thing to mention for these two signs is they require a comfortable, positive work sign; almost to the extent that mutable signs do. their work environments have to be comfort zones, much like their homes, or they’ll struggle a lot in their career despite how much they enjoy the job itself. the people they work with and space they work in are extremely important to them. if they work from home, it’s vital they have a comfortable, well-decorated home office in order to be fully productive and in their “zones”.

these two signs have a very unique way of managing. they’re very good at getting people to do things, without realizing they’ve been influenced to do something. both of these signs can get along with nearly anyone, and have very warm, nurturing natures; which makes them highly successful in roles ranging from management to sales and anything of the likes. their social skills are impressive, as are their problem-solving skills, which makes them well-suited for fields like human resources, law (mainly libra), psychology, social work, etc. both do well in customer service and marketing because of their people skills.

the difference between these two lies in their public preferences. libra is a very public sign, and also the sign of justice. journalist, social media influencer/tv personality, publicist, judge/lawyer, and fashion design are some potential careers that align well with libra’s needs for recognition and admiration. on the other hand, cancer much prefers a more private life, although still enjoys (genuine) interaction with others. due to their nurturing personalities and creativity, cancers thrive in careers relating to medicine, food, design (especially interior, architecture, etc - anything related to the home as cancer is the sign connected with the *home*), and so forth.

these two signs are also highly creative and thrive in roles that allow for this expression. libra specifically thrives in fields like fashion or graphic design, cancer thrives in fields like interior design or baking/cooking.

some suggested careers (cancer, libra): law (libra), fashion (libra), interior design, graphic design (libra), childcare (cancer), psychology, social work, medicine (cancer), chef/baker/similar (cancer), real estate, sales & marketing (libra), journalist (libra), publicist (libra), architect (cancer), customer service, social media (influencer, marketing, etc), acting, game design/development (cancers especially - they seem to be so good with video games)

some cardinal careers (all/mixed): entrepreneurship, design, development & research, finance/accounting, architecture, lawyers, judges, detectives (especially libra & cancer), real estate, sales & marketing, management, human resources (cancer/libra)

♡ fixed signs (taurus, leo, scorpio, aquarius):

these signs do best in positions of total autonomy. working under the discretion of others is not ideal for these individuals. with creative minds and a need for independence and power; these individuals also tend to do best in fields relating to art, or creation of some sort. aquarius and taurus can handle working under others without much power, but leo and scorpio do not do well when given directions (they can handle it, but they don’t like it). it’s against fixed sign nature to follow orders. however, fixed signs do generally enjoy routine, so they won’t mind working under someone if it provides them consistency and stability. they might even skip on desired promotions, new/better job opportunities and more due to their fears/dislike of change (especially taurus).

fixed signs have this unmatchable resilience when it comes to work. these are the people that will easily put in 70+ hours a week with minimal complaints. they’re excellent at following through with things and sticking to their jobs/tasks, even when they hate them. fixed signs are also the only modality that’s consistent and excellent with following through. these signs have a bit of trouble getting started, though, and often need a push and help to get things going.

leo and taurus need stability and consistency in their career, whatever it may end up being. these two do not do well with change; and don’t usually like jobs that require them to frequently adapt or start new routines. aquarius and scorpio on the other hand, thrive within change; and are more than used to adapting to sudden, significant changes. these two, however, still prefer a more stable routine; as they tend to fear/dislike change that is not self-inflicted. the biggest things for fixed signs are stable, consistent careers. they also need careers that allow them power and individualism. aquarius and leo specifically need careers that allow them to “show off” or get recognition, preferably from a larger audience.

scorpios & leos thrive with incentives and praise, so careers that offer bonus pays, targets, and promotions with set goals will motivate them a lot more in work. any sort of competitive work will get those two signs going. aquarians however are more indifferent to these things, they tend to be more detached with the material benefits of work. taureans usually dislike these types of careers, they want work with consistency: consistent pay, consistent hours, etc.

✧ leo and aquarius: these signs require attention and recognition for their work more than anyone. they’ll do behind the scenes work if they need to, but generally they enjoy being the center of other’s attentions (aquarius won’t admit this though). these two signs have very unique ideas, and are bustling with creativity. more than anything, they need a career that allows creative expression and individuality. they don’t do well being boxed in and restricted in their endeavors. most of all, these two need careers that are challenging, consistent yet flexible, and allow both social and creative outlets.

aquarius is the sign relating to technology, so of course they will naturally thrive in technology-related careers. aquarians have busy minds and the patience to work out complex problems; so a career in computer programming, or something similar, would do them well. graphic design and architecture are two other careers that come to mind. engineering (but something more like music engineering, that allows them that creative outlet) is another great choice. aquarians are also humanitarians at heart, so charity-related careers, or careers of similar nature (ie: social worker) would be great for them. careers with a lot of either problem-solving/complex issues, humanitarian causes, or music/art are best for aquarians.

leos are natural born entertainers and story-tellers. they also can fit well into many social environments, and are so naturally charming it’s easy for them to get on anyone’s good side. because of this, any social-heavy career is great for them (motivational speaking, writing, acting, sales, marketing, etc). leos also have big hearts and tend to love children and/or animals, so i always recommend childcare or animal care to these types of leos. at the end of the day, despite leo’s need to be independent/not heavily controlled at work, they do love that social interaction that can come with working. leos are also bursting with creativity, and tend to have affinities with art, so any art-field is a great career selection for them. as a fire sign, leos also thrive in physically-active careers (athletics, manual labor, etc) that keep them up and moving.

some suggested careers (leo, aquarius): music (especially aqua), fashion-related fields; especially design, ANY sort of artistic field (design, painting, acting, etc), childcare (leo), marketing, sales, engineering, charitable organizations (aquarius), computer programming/science (aquarius), writing (leo), social media (marketing, management, influencer)

✧ scorpio and taurus: these signs don’t mind being behind the scenes, so long as they still have significant power in their work environment and control over themselves. overall, they’d typically rather work for themselves than someone else, they truly hate answering to others and generally don’t like being disturbed/overly social at work (it drains them, and they usually find it annoying/disrupts their work flow). i suggest more independent-work type of careers for these signs, or careers that allow them to instruct others on what to do, not the other way around.

both signs are very intense and investigative, and once they start something they have a laser-like focus that will help them see through a project to the end. scorpios specifically need careers that allow THEM flexibility and the ability to enact change when they see fit. taureans, however, need careers with minimal change, including self-inflicted. taurus requires stability and consistency more than any other sign in the zodiac, especially at work.

taureans have a very nurturing energy, including at work, and they have a natural connection to the earth/environment. because of this, i always see taureans fitting so well into careers involving the environment (think anything from environmental law to conservationist to florist, etc). personally, both taurus and scorpio i can see running adorable little flower shops, crystal shops or cafes and it would be too perfect for them. these two signs are usually bookworms too so i feel like working in a bookstore would be so perfect for them both. scorpios really do need that power and slight competition in work. they need to be challenged more than any of the other fixed signs, or they will get extremely bored. i often find scorpios thrive most in unfamiliar environments, so sudden switches in work may be a comforting thing for them.

some suggested careers (scorpio, taurus): investigator/detective (scorpio), research-based fields (scorpio), interior design, fashion, food-related field (taurus), childcare (taurus), architecture, divination + astrology (scorpio), office jobs (taurus - but more a WFH environment), work from home jobs in general (they don’t like leaving the house), working with animals/rescuing, environmental law (taurus), law (scorpio), environmental activism (taurus), conservationist (taurus), librarian/bookstore jobs

some ideal fixed careers (all/mixed): tattoo artist (this career always comes to mind with scorpio/taurus especially), design, any sort of arts-related career, managerial roles, entrepreneurship, athletic instructor/similar (leo & taurus), farming (taurus & leo), florist/anything working with plants (taurus & scorpio), childcare (leo & taurus), competitive environments (leo & scorpio)

#astrology #midheaven #sun #mars #sixth house #ascendant #mine #long post #decided to try to finish all the half-done posts in my drafts before starting new ones lol #this is like half a year old i rly just. never finished #m:lp #career #anyway i quite like this post but its not perfect im sorry!! my brain is still a little ~#the mutable one i 1000% love but i feel like i could've wrote the fixed and cardinal better but #i've worked on this post too long im done lmao #ALSO i feel like i know 8.5 careers im sorry i repeated so many #pay more attention to my paragraph rambles than the careers maybe 😭#idk how i feel abt this post anymore i've been editing and rewriting it for the past 48 hrs and im sleep deprived and over it lmao #i wrote the i quite like this post tag when i only had the mutable one written i take that back partially <3

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greensaplinggrace · 3 years

Note

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

---

Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,” Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.” Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine. Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

#shadow and bone #sab #grishaverse #anti leigh bardugo #anti baghra #baghra critical #sab spoilers #demon in the wood spoilers #aleksander morozova #sab meta #the darkling #fandomcourse #myramblings #leigh bardugo critical #mymetas #anti darklina bs #please dont hate me for this #aaahhhh now im worried #Yikes

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hanibalistic · 3 years

Text

#FFD500 | PARK JISUNG.

genre | fluff, meet cute au, strangers au

word count | 1781

warning | smoking

with suit and tie, styled hair, minimal makeup, and a heavy name on his back, jisung realized he could not do it. he could not bring himself to enter the main scene of high school prom.

nervous sweat drenched his hands and he hastily wiped away at the side of his hips. the blinking neon lights coming through the small windows of the assembly hall doors, and the loud blasty music that belonged to none other than his very own idol group made him feel isolated in this dark, empty school hallway he has barely walked across since he got accepted into the school.

there was no point in this. there was no point in attending. donghyuck had encouraged him the most when he was debating whether he wanted to go to prom; he said it could help with blowing off some steam, and there might even be a possibility of meeting someone eccentric, like how he did when he decided to attend prom two years back. jisung had believed him, and now he realized he should not have.

he barely attended school because of his conflicting schedule as a worldwide idol. logically speaking, he shouldn't even be allowed to graduate with the number of absences in his record, but he did so with flying colors anyway. he was everyone's friend and he has no friends; there would be no one to talk to inside, and the clear superiority in accomplishment he held might make things embarrassing and awkward for him.

he understood why donghyuck would deem his experience at his prom great. it was because he knew how to talk, he knew how to charm, and he was never shy around people. jisung believed his story when he talked about the student he frantically danced with under artificial lights. for donghyuck, having met someone eccentric was merely a fortunate coincidence, if not a miracle that he met someone exactly like him.

jisung was nothing like that. he knew he was nothing like that. dealing with strangers, let alone the mysteriously off ones, was never his forte. he would just make a fool of himself, he would not be having a good time.

going to prom was a bad idea. he should leave.

"jesus–watch it!"

"ah..." his voice dimmed as he immediately turned toward the direction of where the explosive voice came from. his hurrying steps halted to a stumble before a stop, and he eyed you up and down carefully before he dipped his head. "sorry... i–i didn't mean to scare you."

"i wasn't scared, just startled," you retorted quickly, but your voice was much calmer than your initial snap. tapping the lit cigarette in your hand lightly with your index finger, you mumbled as you eyed him with mild curiosity after your angry brows faded, "you came out in a hurry. forgot you had an award show to attend to, hmm?"

"oh–no, it's not that–" jisung paused abruptly, he wasn't sure why. when you raised a brow at him, almost impatiently it seemed, he gulped down a nervous knot and scratched the back of his head. "sorry, i just.. i didn't think you would know me."

you blinked at him as you swiped your tongue against your teeth, clicking with what jisung could not tell was menace or disinterest. either way, they were both bad. taking a short puff of the cigarette, you exhaled a cloud of smoke before you mused, "who said i know you, park jisung?"

he gulped, visibly distraught and confused.

"you just said–"

"i just what?"

he gulped again when his meek sentence was cut off so quickly. not even his brothers have interrupted him like this before, at least not with the genuine intention to anyway. it seemed that at this moment, he further came to the realization just how well he was taken care of by everyone around him, because could such a simple jab to a social interaction cause him such anxiety if he was used to it?

(he was glad he wasn't used to it.)

"what is a hotshot like you doing here anyway?" you fired the sudden question, looking to him with intrigue.

you were never one to engage in idol activities. you weren't even in this school to become an artist; you were forced here by your parents who stood somewhere in the industry. one day they realized you had the voice and the range to deserve the spotlight, and here you were stuck in those shit-ugly, overdue-banana-colored uniforms, trying to be a star you didn't want to be.

but jisung—you knew jisung. everybody knew jisung. your classmates, the teachers, that random american tourist who asked you for directions in the street, that kpop warrior online who kept screenshots of netizen articles and translating them out of context. everybody knew jisung, but very few knew him enough.

you didn't care much for him, but your curiosity just had to be fulfilled now that you were seeing him in person. what was he doing here, in a suit and sweating through his hair? did he always talked this shyly or was it your typical idol persona act? were you scaring him and should you do it even more to purposefully leave a bad impression?

your stare was confronting in this silence. granted, it was his turn to speak, so he was at blame for your lingering gaze on him. "i thought... i thought maybe i could go to prom," he finally replied quietly.

you hummed in acknowledgment, then you tilted your head. you looked behind your shoulder into the school, your eyes briefly grazing past the colorful doors that were the entrance to literal teenage hell, and you jabbed your thumb toward the direction. "prom is that way, though, dumbo."

"i know that," jisung said, embarrassed. "i just... i don't have friends."

you laughed, and once again jisung couldn't tell if you were genuinely amused or it was a response of mockery. inhaling carefully, you longing exhaled the smoke as your dazed eyes looked past him, with a smile so vague it seemed unnatural.

"what are you talking about? you've got friends. you got friends everywhere!"

"i... i don't?"

"sure you do!" you exclaimed boldly as you stretched your arms out to the sky, eyes ablaze at the stars above. "they are everywhere for you, jisung. you got friends everywhere because everyone wants to be your friend. you have options, you are just not taking them!"

"but they're not–" he licked his lower lip nervously, feeling a sense of sorrow cast over him upon the teenage loneliness he gained in trade for his success. "they're not real friends."

you paused.

real friends?

you paused; motions stopped, arms empty without strength, and eyes hallow with confused questioning. you stared at jisung as if he was a foreign creature who had said something absurd, so absurd you had to decide whether you wanted to ridicule him or interrogate him first.

what are real friends, anyway?

people who love you but do nothing about it, people who say they love you but do not, people who act upon loving you but do not? people who leave you alone at a bad time because you asked them to, people who would not leave you alone at a bad time even if you asked them to, people who knew how to juggle in between? people who comfort you because they understood you, people who advise because they could not understand you, people who try to relate to you because it was what they knew to be comfortable?

which one of those was real? were any of them fake simply because you didn't like it? when did you get crowned the decision-maker?

what are real friends, anyway? why does it matter, anyway?

why does truth matter if the lies treat you so well?

when you made up your mind to do both, you began to move fluidly again. your lips opened to breathe, and you chuckled sardonically at his naivety.

"what do you need the realness for? lies are lies only if it bothers you, essentially meaning you don't really need the absence of lies," you said. "who cares about real friends, you just need friends. don't you think you are expecting too much from humanity?"

there was sympathy in jisung that he did not know had risen. the basis of the situation, of why you came to the conclusion that people were less than gentle and kind, he knew nothing of but he was sorry for. whether something has happened in your life, or if you simply grew to be cynical, the lack of tiny joys in life must be a terrible feast.

he also knew he hasn't the energy and wit to argue himself to victory; his humanism, the desire to prove that people are good because his people have been good, would not be enough to shake you.

"shouldn't you stop smoking?" he asked, promptly changing the subject.

you removed the cigarette from your mouth, brows furrowed in annoyance now that the attention was directed toward you. you exhaled the smoke slowly from your throat, and you tilted your head up to the sky where you gently said, "maybe not. i just can't seem to die."

your god-given voice just wouldn't let off.

"do you plan to go back in after then? smelling like smoke?" he asked.

"don't mock me boy." you grinned with a glare hanging off the corner of your mouth. "and no, i am not going back in. i don't have friends, but unlike you, i just don't have friends because i am a raging asshole."

jisung finally breathed out a giggle, but it was abruptly short. he covered his mouth and lowered his head, only peeking up at you occasionally. "well, if it's any consolation, i don't think you're all that bad."

your eyes fluttered as you silently tapped your cigarette. he was just as you expected but a little more. you could understand why people like him so much now; his innocence wasn’t a drag, it was a charm.

you gave him a silent but thankful smile before you looked away. "yeah. thanks."

jisung thought you looked less angry now; eyes at the stars, wishful and longing to be above. the blush that blossomed on his cheeks remained despite the faded nervousness, maybe it was because he felt a fondness toward you he usually wouldn't toward the people he spend his time around; you were a classmate, someone his age, someone who could understand him if allowed.

an eccentric stranger that donghyuck suspected he might meet.

maybe it was a good idea that he never went to prom.

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love-takes-work · 5 years

Text

When someone toxic needs a friend

I just wanna add a little personal reflection to the discussion of Spinel’s treatment in Steven Universe: The Movie.

A few signposts so you know where I’m starting with this:

A criticism I’ve seen:

Steven was not particularly warm to Spinel. He did not hug her. He did not offer to be her friend. He spoke carelessly and triggered her toward becoming murderous again. He only cared about what she could do for him.

A perspective I’ve seen:

LOTS of people with borderline personality disorder or strong feelings about abandonment personally relate to Spinel and are critical of Steven from this perspective.

Rebecca Sugar’s commentary on Spinel:

The thing about Spinel is that she’s a really toxic person.

She’s so toxic that she’s literally trying to poison people.

In my interactions with friends who have had a history difficult enough to make it hard for them to trust other people and sometimes even actively want to hurt others, it’s just a very difficult situation to navigate. In the case of Spinel and all of these characters, that’s extremely exaggerated because cartoons have the ability to be extreme exaggerations. I wanted to explore what it’s like when you’re trying to help someone who really doesn’t want to help themselves, who wants to embody the negative feelings that they have about themselves. I think that’s something really real. I hadn’t seen that in a cartoon before.

Spinel, unlike many other characters, actually has the goal of hurting people, which is new territory for the show. She really wants to hurt Steven, and there’s a reason that she does—because she’s in so much pain. I just wanted to explore all the dimensions of that.

I also think Steven has his way of trying to handle and dissolve conflict. It’s not necessarily a good way for him to handle this situation. It really leaves him in a difficult state, and I think what I wanted to show in the way that they interact is that at a certain point, when you can’t help someone, you have to be able to protect yourself.

Ultimately, he can’t really convince her to change. It’s something she’ll have to want for herself. But what he can do is protect himself from her, making it impossible for her to hurt him.

It’s sort of up to you if you would like to love her. If you watch this movie and she, you know, frustrates you, that is totally fair. I want that to be a big part of who she is.

[From the AV Club interview]

So here are a few things I want to shed light on.

It’s very interesting that Rebecca intended Spinel to be read as “a toxic person” because so many fans fell in love with her, said they’d be her friend, hated intensely on Pink Diamond because of what she did to abandon the poor Gem, and sympathized with her directly. But Rebecca was looking at Spinel from Steven’s perspective. And that’s also what I did.

I’ve been Steven. I have VERY much been Steven.

When you meet someone who was done dirty, when you recognize the horror they’ve been through, when you see how much pain they are in and agree they have the right to be angry, it’s natural for empathetic people to offer themselves as comfort.

But when you’re Steven, you also know it isn’t YOUR fault either. Before you have the ability and experience to set boundaries, you can get sucked into other people’s stormy waters and think you’re helping if you drown in solidarity with them. What’s really important to preserving yourself is learning that you can stand on the boat and toss a life preserver. That it doesn’t ACTUALLY HELP to jump in the water and sink with them.

Some folks are angry that Steven didn’t jump right into sacrifice himself on the altar of friendship in the service of an intense, literally murderous stranger who tried to poison him and his planet and lash out at his friends, robbing them of their rich pasts and their relationships because all of it hurt HER so much. It is SO easy to understand WHY SPINEL WAS ANGRY. But nothing she was doing to Steven, his friends, or the Earth was going to fix her problems, and furthermore, she FULLY UNDERSTOOD that it was NOT THE FAULT of any of the people she took her anger out on. It was irrational, yes, and that is part of her dysfunction. But also, in these situations, what helps explain it still does not excuse it.

Some have railed at Steven saying he somehow forgave genocidal tyrants like the Diamonds but couldn’t be friends with a damaged Gem like Spinel who just wanted friendship. The big difference there is that Steven got involved with the Diamonds when both parties believed he was a different person. The Diamonds believed he was the lost Pink Diamond, and Steven has also spent much of his superhero life believing he WAS his mother and was therefore obligated to accept punishment for her crimes or to clean up the messes she made. Now that he knows he is not her and that she did some pretty horrible stuff, he also wants the right to stop feeling responsible for every person Pink hurt in the entire region of space.

Steven gave Spinel basically compassionate treatment. He did not abuse her. He did not insult her. He occasionally coddled her when it seemed important (and though some said he was too businesslike while he pursued his mission, he was literally looking at the world ending within two days if he didn’t solve the problem). And most importantly . . . .

He let her leave the garden.

Spinel stayed in the garden all those millennia because Pink Diamond told her they were playing a game. All that time, she had visions of Pink returning so she could see her smile, hear her laughter. We see a sequence where she tried to follow Pink out of the garden and Pink manipulated her into staying willingly. We watch those feet leaving and one pair of feet staying behind. We see Pink disappear.

When Steven goes to leave the garden, Spinel follows in the same manner. Some have criticized him for letting go of her hands.

But he invited her out of the garden. He didn’t say stay. He said come with me.

As he sang about her deserving someone better, he was sincere. But he did not say the person to make her feel found should be him. He did not want to take on another person with thousands of years of baggage who would require a specific brand of attention and so much tenderness to avoid snapping. He did not allow her to be held by the hand and led out. He recognized that she needed encouragement to leave this place because of what was done to her, but he wanted her to take the steps.

Compassionate people are crushed all the time under the weight of needy people who make it hurt to love. People like Steven can acknowledge that Spinel deserves love and deserves to be happy without accepting that it’s heartless to stop short of personally doing it. Especially when you literally have to take physical, mental, and emotional damage as a general consequence of offering support and counseling. It is sometimes just beyond what you can do.

I made the mistake several times of getting very close to someone who treated me poorly while taking comfort in my presence. I cared that they were hurt and I didn’t know how to say “You deserve love” without stepping in and loving them. In EVERY case I was involved with, the person went from initially grateful to “why don’t you help me more?” shockingly quickly, and two of them deliberately tried to create situations where I would be trapped with them and isolated from others.

I could get very personal here but I don’t think I need to. Those of us who relate all too well to Steven wanting to help others will have been in this situation. Your heart hurts for people who live with pain that has never touched you, but when they’ve made it clear with one of their first actions that they feel satisfied at the idea of ruining your life, trusting them could mean the end of you. Especially if they demand that you risk life and limb to fix and save them before you’d dare to call it love, and especially if they want to be fixed without feeling responsible for initiating any of it. Some people mistake suffering for working hard toward a goal. Both can hurt but only one is constructive. If I’m expected to spend extensive resources on someone, I need some partnership in the goal, and I can’t accomplish that with someone whose wish for companionship manifests as “I want you to feel as bad as I do, and will take steps to hurt you so I have someone to cry with.”

Steven risked his actual life while he didn’t have powers so he could go talk to Spinel, and he wouldn’t fight her when she wanted to fight. He protected himself while she spent her anger. He STILL put himself in the line of fire far more than a less compassionate person would. He took time and tenderness to listen to her story and sympathize with her, tell her she deserved better, bear witness to what she’d become after being treated like a discarded plaything, and bring her hope with promises of a new future and a way to feel found.

Sadly, Spinel flipped back to being murderous at the first sign that Steven might be about to prioritize someone other than her, reframing his reasonable needs as if he was planning to abandon her, isolate her, discard her. This was a trauma reaction, yes, and she isn’t entirely to blame for being upset because she was worried she was just being used and none of her actions were logically thought through.

But does someone ever “deserve” the friendship of a specific person who can’t feel warm toward them because of their OWN bad experiences?

No!

Steven has a big heart but he has his very own huge storehouse of trauma, and being physically attacked with his family and planet put in danger over the actions of his mother is at the top of the list. Instead of assuming that the person who has trauma the loudest is the most hurt, can’t we just acknowledge that Spinel’s and Steven’s respective traumas make them NOT the best match for friendship?

The ending of the movie, with Spinel going off with the Diamonds, might seem a little disturbing with all the codepencency floating around there, but if you want to talk about compassion, I think this is a good place for Spinel to start.

She just wanted to make Pink Diamond laugh and enjoy her life. She longed to do that for so long and then it all ended when she found out she would NEVER GET TO DO IT. I think bonding with the other Diamonds and having a familiar, safe place to experience the kind of love she’s used to will be a good FOUNDATION for building herself into a person beyond that. For now, she needs comfort. I hope they treat her well.

#steven universe #steven universe the movie #gif #long post #spinel #su analysis #my su analysis #myblog

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sapphixxx · 3 years

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Just finished Lain. Watched the last episode twice, which gently removed my heart from my chest and pulped it into a fine paste in a mortar and pestle. This hit much closer to home than I expected.

In my Lain epistemology post I somewhat flippantly made an aside that the series was only tangentially about Lain the actual character. By which I meant that my read on the series up until that point (around episode 8 or 9) was that each episode was teasing apart different aspects of the ambiguity of truth, knowledge, information, and communication, with the events of Lain's life being almost just a sort of example case study for how these concepts can impact someone on an individual level. Lain was framed in a kind of zoomed out way as an abstract avatar moving through these events without a whole lot of expression of her personal thoughts and feelings.

And then we get to the last three episodes.

It's in this space that Lain the 8th grade age girl with thoughts and feelings and wants and needs and fears comes into painfully sharp focus. The beginning of the final episode sums up and contextualizes what all of this has always been about.

Who am I? What is the real me? How can I tell what's real about me if everyone interprets it differently?

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

The flippant bravado that I expressed in that post is the same attitude that Lain has been applying to her own very sense of self throughout the series, as just another arbitrary and moldable piece of information subject to interpretation with no inherent truth.

She effectively commits suicide by removing herself from sight, mind, and memory, of everyone around her. After all, if they have no knowledge of her, then she no longer exists. But what is lurking in the subtext of this finale is that she fails to consider that everyone she is cutting off is equally subject to this process. She imagines that without her meddling they are able to be happy. But that's all it is, imagination.

She doesn't exist to them anymore because she erased their knowledge of her, but it goes both ways. In doing this, they cease to exist to her, too. The image of the happy lives of the people she knew don't come from real observation or fact. It is something that she is imposing upon her memory or imagination of those people, which is only possible because she's removed herself from the possibility of being reminded just how complex and occasionally painful their lives will be with her or without her. In those scenes nobody misses her except in these brief fleeting moments where they remember some fond association with her, before moving on to their happy lives.

But this isn't reality. She isn't seeing these people. This is how she comforts herself, by imagining that everything is for the best without her, and nobody has to feel the pain of missing her. But that's not something she can know or control. The pain they feel upon losing her doesn't exist only because she has removed herself from where she might see it and have to acknowledge it.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

This phrase is taken to its literal extreme in the finale. But I think it's important to take a step back and really think about what this means on a more human level, especially when it comes to the kinds of struggles that everyone, especially kids that age, are dealing with.

That is to say, even if you literally physically exist and go about the world talking to people going to school eating dinner and so on, if there are parts of you that people don't know about, if there are things inside you that you can't express, you quickly come to the painful realization that to other people, that stuff just doesn't exist. Which means that whole side of you doesn't exist, according to the outside world. And if that side of you encompasses something important about your identity or your experiences, it's hard to not come to the conclusion that the real you, the entirety of your being, doesn't exist to them either. And when you try to tell them about it, or when they notice on their own, but they don't understand or perhaps outright reject it, hasn't some fundamental part of your humanity been erased? In this kind of environment it's easy to start doubting that any of it exists at all. After all, if nobody else will recognize it, you've only got your own word to go on. And that isn't always enough to trust.

And again, keep in mind that this goes both ways. I think Lain's sister is the clearest example which is given by the series. One episode she begins as a character, someone who has thoughts and a personality and so on. By the end of the episode she is reduced to the state that she will stay in for the rest of the series, blank-eyed and senseless. That fully fledged self she had still exists though. Lain just stops being able to see it, so effectively her sister stops existing for her.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

When you are isolated you can say anything about yourself. You can say you're nobody, or you're God, or perhaps something even wiser and greater than God. It can feel powerful to start writing your own existence and rationalizing your own isolation, the perceptions of others be damned. You can say well, my parents don't understand me and I stopped being able to connect to my sister, but who cares! Family is just arbitrary biology anyway! What if they aren't even my family at all, and are just plants put in place by a secret organization. I'm not lonely, I'm just seeking a greater truth, a conspiracy that only I can see! I don't make social mistakes, I'm not afraid of hurting anyone, that's the fake me running around out there! But it's not sustainable. Eventually life comes crashing down, whether it be in the form of interference in the material world, or if that mental state with all of its attendant self-spun narratives just finally collapses.

As with most things in this series, Lain's interactions with "God" are written in a very abstract symbolic way. But, the pattern that it follows seems very familiar to me as one of a predatory adult grooming a vulnerable minor. He alternates between gassing Lane up as the most powerful and important being who has ever lived, and then in the next breath saying that she's nothing. In peddling his conspiracy theory narrative of humankind merging with The Wired, of Lain simply being a powerful piece of software meant for Grand Purpose, he feeds into her struggle for identity and the need to be seen and understood by at once validating these feelings and how confusing they are, while reinforcing her isolation and his own dominant grip over defining the shape of the world and society.

When Arisu finds Lain living in filth and comforts her, that is one of the rare moments that the raw, vulnerable, material world Lain, weighed down with no pretenses, pokes her head out. That moment of genuine intimacy that she has been so hungry for this whole time is enough to allow her to retaliate against "God" when he shows up in anger upon being doubted. When Arisu reacts poorly to this sight, though, is when Lain makes her final dive back into her own walled off reality. For as much as she wants to be seen and held and comforted by this girl she loves, it is far more painful for her to have to witness and live with the feeling of rejection and guilt that came from Arisu's fear in the aftermath.

The final image of her father finally expressing the real tenderness she has longed for. The imagined future of Arisu dating her former teacher well into adulthood, because it's the only model of a relationship Lain has ever seen someone want, because her parents certainly don't seem happy, and she herself didn't get anything out of the boy who kissed her. The final statement, "I will always be with you". As with everything in the series, these can be interpreted many ways. But to me it reads unmistakably as the final moments before suicide.

In any case though, after all that, it seems fairly starkly clear why Lain resonates so strongly with trans people. Contrary to the old saying that all happy people are happy the same way, but all miserable people suffer uniquely, this path to despondence is depressingly common. It is the way out that is unique to everyone who finds themselves there. I hate to say it, although I feel very lucky to say that I have survived being in that place many times--which I think is proof that it is possible to get to the other side and make a good life, despite everything-- I think if it had ended any more neatly or more positively, it just wouldn't feel as honest. It captures the depth of that state of being. That's just what it's like. And as heavy as it is to sit with, I get a lot from being able to see something painfully familiar to me reflected in such a raw way. After all that, a happy ending would just feel disingenuous. I mean, that's my life, and any happy ending they could have written just isn't how it went.

#writing #Serial Experiments Lain #Lain

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deepdarkdelights · 2 years

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4 questions

1. Although JK lied when he said he would physically hurt her if she misbehaved to scare her into doing what he wanted, what if she had acted out again? Like something worth a “punishment”. How would he have went about it?

2. If JK wanted make her to love him and knew what his father was doing was wrong, why did he take OC the way he did? Why not just talk to her like normal? It’s obvious he didn’t want to physically hurt her but he also didn’t want the cuffs on her ankles at the wedding either but did what his father wanted. Why didn’t the man just get her love normally 😭

3. After JK killed her father and he had fallen asleep in bed, if OC would have left what would have happened? Would he have given up? Or would he have went batshit crazy till he found her? And when/if he did would JK have actually lost his shit and then gotten physical with her?

4. Does He believe she actually love him or does he know she’s fallen victim of stockholm syndrome? The phone call to her mom he was nervous she was going to tell them where she was but was surprised when she didn’t, instead claimed him as her husband. If she was already in love with him like he thought, why was he surprised when she declared it to her mother?

You have 4 questions and I have 4 responses!

1. Well, he probably would have punished her in a way that didn't bring himself too much stress i.e., tying her up and keeping her completely bed-bound and reliant on him, restricting her food, or even isolating her from everyone in the house until she is desperate for human interaction. And if she were to "misbehave" after their relationship became sexual, we might see impact play as "punishment." (maybe something he learned about from Tae or Jimin 👀)

2. There was almost no way for Jungkook to love the MC normally. He was indoctrinated to believe what his family did was acceptable from a young age. Everyone in the family did it even those he greatly admired, he had to do this to be a part of the "in-group." He was taught that this was love. Now, JK differs from his father and sister because of his experiences. He witnessed his mom being hurt, he himself was hurt by his father, this was something his sister never went through. JK knew he never wanted the MC to fear him the same way his mother and himself feared his father (although he still has some disillusions about his parent's relationship). He wanted the best of both worlds, appeasing family tradition while also having the movie picturesque love story.

3. After he killed his father, JK was extremely emotionally vulnerable and traumatized. He has already experienced so much trauma that the MC leaving would have pushed him over the edge. (NOTE: I am not saying victims of trauma will lash out and harm others, JK is a very specific and very made-up scenario) But if the MC left he would have gone crazy, freaking out, breaking things, panicking. He would probably hunt her down, he is a pretty skilled tracker. I think if he found the MC his extent of being physical with her would be tackling her to the ground or throwing her to the ground or shaking her (not hitting her though). He would be pretty erratic, screaming at her for leaving and for hurting him before devolving into tears and broken sobs while clinging to her in an attempt to ground himself.

4. JK is a very dynamic character who shifts pretty rapidly. There are times where he thinks he can trust the MC (when they're alone together) but when anyone else is introduced into the picture, especially people the MC loves, he gets nervous and on edge. JK knows he kidnapped the MC despite trying to deny it and delude himself into believing otherwise. He has moments of clarity like when he is forced to face what he did (i.e., the phone call with her mom). He was fully surprised that the MC lied to her own mother especially since he was forced to face reality for those short moments. JK, much like his mother, is good at disassociating from reality albeit in different ways. The one delusion that holds on though is that the MC loves him, that is the one fantasy that cannot be taken away from him because it helped him cope through his own trauma. (Not that that is healthy coping, that's an entirely different conversation 😅)

#asks #10 series #the bouquet series lore #the bouquet series

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commander-diomika · 3 years

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[Image ID: Screenshot of a tumblr reply from user @weareallfromearth saying “Holy shit I would V much like to know what you’d do with ZolfWilde.” End ID]

This was in response to me tag rambling that if Alex “I don’t Actually Have That Much Experience in Courtship” Newall and Ben “I just Realised I’m Too Straight For This” Meredith don’t know what to do with Zolf/Wilde, they should hand the ship over to me.

*rubs my gay little hands together.*

I initially characterized them offhandedly as Enemies-to-Lovers but that’s not quite it, is it? On reflection I would say it’s more of an Opposites Attract situation.

Oscar Wilde, as re-imagined in the RQG universe, is a homme fatale; a dangerous, attractive man, skilled in encouraging people to underestimate him, wearing different masks, never quite being able to trust or be trusted by anyone.

There is NO personal/professional line for Wilde. He lives his work, and his work is subterfuge and interpersonal manipulation. (whether or not he started this way in his field as a journalist, or was forced to become this way by the changes in his world, is another post.) He is a person who either cares very deeply what people think of him, or is has decided that manipulating what people think of him is the way to get what he wants, and from the outside it makes no difference.

Zolf Smith does not care what people think of him. He isn’t even skilled at being kind and empathetic to people he cares about; he has no time for emotional manipulation or genuine charm. He doesn’t even have a fantastic grasp on his OWN feelings, let alone other people’s. He’s grounded, disinterested in frippery or appearances. Which is why Zolf and Wilde started out so deeply at odds with one another.

Despite the differences in the interpersonal approaches, they have plenty of common ground.

They are both deeply dedicated to a cause. They care about their work to the exclusion of all else. They are both pragmatists who have their own internal moral code, and are willing to bend or break other people’s rules in order to get the job done. They are fundamentally good people. Despite their rocky beginnings, they can respect each other because of these things.

And they might have maintained their mutually disdainful, begrudgingly respectful working relationship and that could have been the sum total... Except then the world fell apart. The Meritocratic organisation was initially compromised, then disintegrated. The blue vein plague isolated everyone and made it even harder to trust supposed allies. The Cult of Hades was on everyone’s ass making their life difficult, the other PCs disappeared off the face of the planet. Zolf and Wilde ended up in a situation where they had no one else they could trust.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but maybe if the contempt is already there, it builds Something Else. Wilde was stripped of his magic in a way that made it much harder for him to keep people at a distance and (pardon the pun) project the illusion of the debonair playboy. Zolf would have had the chance to see through Wilde’s masks, and get a better understanding of what parts of Wilde were a calculated tactic, and what was his genuine self.

Whatever betrayal transpired that gave Wilde his scar and hardened him, Zolf was privy to. He was either there and saw it happen, or he was close enough in the aftermath to see Wilde properly vulnerable for the first time in their friendship. Hell, maybe Zolf was the one who rescued him and patched him up. That was a chance for Zolf to realise that this insufferable man is a friend who he cares about deeply. At this point, he’s cared for awhile, but has been too wrapped up with his own spiritual difficulties to have space to admit that to himself.

And Wilde, oh Wilde, he’s desperate to be seen and known and loved, but he’s never allowed himself. He’s never felt SAFE to. He doesn’t let people get close, treats every conversation as a battle to be won. His safety and his power lies in being admired, but never loved. So even as trust and fondness for Zolf blossoms within him, he won’t for a second allow himself to hope that the fondness is reciprocated

With all that out of the way, this is my version of events.

Wilde is a slut (affectionate), and Zolf is gray-ace, so if there’s any bridging of that gap in terms of physical intimacy, it has to be from Zolf’s side. Giving canon a tender massage into place, that first instance of Zolf grabbing Wilde by the collar changes. (This happens on the Vengeance after Zolf has taught Wilde to steer the ship). Zolf drags Wilde down to say “I’m glad to see you perked up.” That moment now involves a whiskery kiss on Wilde’s cheek, and the man would be absolutely FLOORED by it.

I’m talking slow-mo glittering lights as Zolf stomps off blushing, unsure what just came over him; Wilde touches his cheek in bewilderment for a stretched moment before realising he’s completely agog, and he let go of the wheel for a dangerous length of time. Every interaction, every moment they’ve spent together over the last two years is flashing before Wilde’s eyes and a new context is being applied rapid fire. I’m talking the italacised oh kind of moment.

(on top of Zolf being witness to The Betrayal, throw some other moments of almost-intimacy into said flashbacks. I’m talking late nights, Zolf doing his gruff-yet-kind caretaker thing, cooking for Wilde, maybe sharing quiet and rare downtime with Zolf reading a Campbell novel on a couch in Wilde’s office)

Wilde is realising, “Oh this is allowed, oh this is reciprocated, this is possible.”

And of course they don’t talk about it, because what’s a slowburn if they immediately go and TALK about their feelings? No, the kiss goes completely unremarked upon, and Wilde continues to needle and tease and get under Zolf’s skin, except now with an added warmth in his eyes because he finally gets it. He finally understands that Zolf cares, that Zolf loves him, he’s just not the kind of dwarf that knows how to express it.

And Zolf, frustrated by feelings he can’t express but is beginning to understand, can hear the undertone of “haha, you looooove me,” shining through Wilde’s deliberate antagonism. They continue their time on the Vengeance just a little easier and closer to one another.

And we continue on to the death/resurrection arc, and Wilde’s spirit pushes for Zolf to open up about his feelings, because if not when he’s literally past death’s door, then when? When Zolf finally manages his “I need you,” it’s like a dam has broken for both of them. The second collar-grab and “We’ll go on a holiday or somethin’,” is now followed by a full kiss on the lips, not particularly erotic but passionate, (it’s the epitome of kissing someone to shut them up) and Wilde makes a surprised and delighted squeak that he would be glad he can’t quite remember when he returns to land of the living.

Once returned, Wilde might not remember everything that his spirit said or did, but he remembers the kiss. The comfort and ease that the two of them share in 179 (Eat Drink and Be Merry) is there, only instead of the two characters still being in a place of questioning their feelings for one another, it’s been answered.

Whether or not this relationship is sexual in nature is kind of up to you and what kind of fan works you like to read/write. I think there are wonderful scenes to be written an explored in many directions.

Wilde allowing himself to enjoy sex for intimacy and closeness instead of using it as a tool/ Zolf not being one for sex but Wilde’s never slept more soundly than when he’s being held in Zolf’s arms/ Zolf realising that the unfamiliar feeling he’s been struggling to express is the desire to rail Wilde til he cries/ Wilde realising that if his partner doesn’t want it from him, he’s actually quite content without sex/ The two of them being mean, antagonistic bastards to each other while fucking but Make It Kink (of the trusting and RACK kind). There really isn’t a single bad interpretation.

So really, I’m not doing anything different with them other than reading between the lines, giving canon a little nudge, and sticking the landing. This isn’t to disparage the concept of queer platonic partners. (I’ve got one!) or to talk shit about Ben or Alex (I DO respect their craft).

It’s just to say I find these two characters , and everything they’ve been through, PAINFULLY romantic, tropey, and delightful. I’m looking forward both to how Ben and Alex play the QPP, the fanworks I’m gonna read and hopefully write, and the inevitable tragedy that you KNOW Alex is gearing up for.

#zoscar #zolfwilde #RQG #rusty quill gaming #zolf smith #RQG Oscar Wilde #hank talks #rqg podcast #rqg meta #feel free to reblog #and to talk to me about it

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girlboss-revan · 3 years

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just a very fun idea that i may or may not pursue along with my very many other Fun Ideas

Anakin, somehow, someway, finds himself in the possession of an unusual holocron.

It’s unusual in the fact that there is no way to tell if it was Jedi or Sith. It may have been made my someone else altogether.

He does not tell anyone about this discovery, because it feels wrong. The Force tells him he has to keep this to himself. If anyone found out about it, they would surely take it away and he can’t let that happen.

Why can’t he let that happen? He has no idea.

He finally figures out how to open it and it’s just... some person? A person in dark, ancient Jedi robes with a Force presence that can only be described as weird as fuck.

Gray but constantly shifting. On the precipice of Light and Dark, stable in its instability. Chaotic, powerful, and unlike anything Anakin has ever witnessed. (Distantly he realizes this is how the other Jedi feel about him.)

The woman does not give her name, only cryptically implying that she’s old enough to witness history fade into legend. Eventually Anakin is able to glean that she was from the time of Jedi Civil Wars, some 3000 years ago.

The holocron was not made to store specific wisdom or knowledge. It was a diary, an attempt at leaving a legacy behind. A statement that whoever created it was once a person, not just a name in a textbook.

They talk. Of course Anakin has so many questions and the woman tries her best to answer, to give advice based on what she has to give.

Her ideas are, to be frank, extremely radical. Anakin knows exactly why the Council will confiscate this holocron if they were to discover it. It was absolutely seeping with heresy.

She has knowledge of both the Jedi and the Sith. Enough knowledge to have solid opinions on the philosophies of both, with her own borrowing liberally from the two. Disagreeing with both as often as she believed they both had merit. She talks from personal experience, but doesn’t give more than what’s necessary. Anakin would suspect it was a Sith holocron if it didn’t have so much... Light.

“Who are you?” Anakin asked, awed in the traditional sense of the word.

The woman in the holocron only smiled. “I’ve had many titles. I disliked all of them.”

She eventually gives herself a name - Mala Khan.

Anakin calls her Master Khan, because surely she must be an ancient master with her command of the Force?

Mala teases him mercilessly for it.

“The masters of my time would rather choke than acknowledge me as a peer,” she said with no small hint of bitterness. A rueful smile tugs at her lips. “I can hardly even call myself a Jedi, at this point. I left the order when it no longer needed me.”

Over time Anakin gleans more information.

She was an adult when she was admitted into the Order under a time of duress. She has intimate experience of both the Light and Dark, having struggled endlessly with the push and pull of both. She resents the Force for choosing her, as if it were an entity all its own. She was married. She had a wife. She believed that love was the most important thing in the galaxy.

“If it wasn’t for her,” Mala said, more serious than Anakin has ever seen her. “I would have been lost. Love is not a weakness. Love is the greatest source of strength there is.”

Anakin kinda really wants to cry when he hears that.

They both see their similarities. Both were chosen by the Force, given a power that isolated them from others. Both were unorthodox in their times. Both loved desperately and unconditionally. Both were thrust into power at a turning point in history. Both were mechanics at heart, both had a taste for risk and rebellion, both had reservations with the Order and struggles with Jedi doctrine.

For once in his life, Anakin has someone he can truly confine in, besides Palpatine. Even then, Mala offers much more directed comfort than the Supreme Chancellor ever could, because the Supreme Chancellor wasn’t a Jedi and didn’t understand.

He was so, incredibly betrayed when he eventually found out that Mala Khan, confidant, support, friend - was Revan, ancient Dark Lord of the Sith.

“It was a shock for me, too,” she joked, attempting to lighten the mood. She tilted her head and studied Anakin’s expression. “What have the Jedi told you? About Revan?”

“That you are an example of what not to be. The ideal Jedi brought down by their vanity and arrogance.”

“They don’t mention the war? The intent that led to the fall? The false reasoning? The ultimate redemption?” Mala - Revan - tilts her head. “Though, I deny the idea that anything could truly redeem what I have done. It is easy to make an example of history. It is hard to acknowledge that those people were sentient - capable of good and evil in equal measure and gifted with the ability to justify their actions.”

“I did what I felt I had to and it led to more strife. Perhaps you can take that as an example, young Jedi. For as much wisdom as I thought I had, it was not nearly enough. What saved me, in the end, were the people I cared about. The idea that what I personally wanted would destroy them in the process. Think about this and everything I have said. My past does not discredit what was my present.”

Yes, in the end this is a fix-it-fic idea.

Anakin finds the confidant he needed who encouraged challenging the repressing ideas of the Jedi order while admonishing the selfishness of the Sith.

Anakin basically becomes friends with someone who has been dead for 3000+ years and is also an incredibly controversial character in history and it changes him for the better. He resists the pull of the Dark because of his love for Padme and Obi-Wan. He thinks of the moment Revan had the opportunity to trade the galaxy and her friends for love, but refused on account of it going against who Bastila once was.

Chaotic lesbian Jedi Turned Sith Lord Turned Jedi Turned Outlier inspires the Chosen One to just... Refuse the lure of the Dark, by introducing him to the idea that he can Just Be A Normal Dude Who Cares About Others.

Mala intimately knows the allure of the Ends Justify the Means mentality and discourages Anakin from falling into that trap.

That’s it.

That’s the Very Fun idea I have that ultimately is just forcing Anakin to interact with what is essentially my OC.

Star Wars brainrot is very real and very powerful.

#star wars #anakin skywalker #revan #kotor #star wars au #oc: mala khan (revan)#erin writes

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sepublic · 3 years

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I think Marcy always understood

To give her some credit; I think it’s easier for Marcy to sometimes… Simplify and dumb things down in a sense, as part of her analytical thought process, so she can really hyper-focus. Because boiling things down to their basics can help Marcy sort of prioritize on what really needs attention and whatnot, and I think that plays into how she apparently treats Amphibia as more of an RPG than an actual, real world…

But, I think she DOES know and acknowledge the people there as, well, people. Obviously Marcy had a bit of a learning curve and this sense of realization, but I don’t think she’s intentionally apathetic to others, nor necessarily low in empathy;

She still goes out of her way to save Sprig’s life, twice, the second time after she admits her own mistakes to Anne… She does try to navigate and learn around Maddie as a real person, as a stranger and potential friend who she values.

I imagine it’s sometimes easier and tempting, even, for Marcy to just boil people down to simpler, easier things for her to understand and comprehend, because she’s not socially-versed the way Anne and Sasha are… But she’s a smart kid, and she DOES recognize that people are complex, it’s actually kind of why she tries to make sense of them in that way of hers, so she can process and analyze properly!

Stuff like games gives Marcy a good frame of reference to work off of, a sense of how interactions function to work from, and figure things out. Marcy probably uses media as a way to help her figure out interactions with people, and while she shouldn’t get completely mixed up with fiction and reality;

Again, I think Marcy knows and recognizes there’s a distinction. And she uses that frame of reference of media and fiction to help her start out and begin to figure things out… Before her analytical, logical mind eventually figures out the rest. But sometimes it’s really hard to put in that effort, and scary, and there doesn’t seem to be that guarantee of benefits, so Marcy doesn’t want to take the risks and sticks with people like Anne and Sasha… I just think this is all Marcy’s way of trying to process, comprehend, and understand others in a way that makes sense to her, even if she acknowledges that this isn’t wholly accurate to real life, either.

Which, if you take into account how Marcy is clearly autistic or ADHD, or at least undeniably neurodivergent, and how that plays into her tendency to hyper-focus and block things out, so she can concentrate… Again, I think it really is just a way for her to make sense of life and people. And unfortunately, when you put that kind of coping process and method into Marcy’s unique situation, with her desire for wish fulfillment and a fantasy where she can get away from it all, and a manipulator who takes advantage of all that, enabling it all; And it really is a situation designed to bring out the worst of someone who DOES try to do her best and learn.

But even then, you have moments like The First Temple, where Marcy forfeits the game because her pride is meaningless compared to Anne and the Plantars, or how in New Wartwood she recognizes that she can’t just overwhelm strangers with big gestures of affection, and hope that wins them over; Which I think she actually learned from Sasha…! Marcy can and does respect people’s agency and boundaries, but I think she often finds herself in that horrible, isolating kind of situation and environment that convinces her to do otherwise, because she thinks it’s the only way she can survive. It’s enabling, all of it.

And it sucks, because Marcy really, clearly was easily on the way of development; Her mistake in using the music box came beforeall of the growth we saw from her as a person, not afterwards, that was just when we learned about it! Obviously Marcy needed to admit about lying to Anne later on with Andrias… But again, her development after traveling to Wartwood, after the First Temple, it all occurred after that deal with Andrias. Marcy didn’t need to be emotionally broken and exposed like that, to have her trust torn apart… She was already on the way to learn, and we see with how when Andrias reveals HIS true colors, Marcy admits her fault and tries to make things up to Anne!

It’s to the point where this girl has literally been MURDERED, and Marcy STILL feels the need to atone and be ‘mature’, which… I really hope Marcy can learn and recognize that she shouldn’t be so hard on herself, either. That she’s a kid who lacked a lot of agency, and that her efforts to do better ARE worthwhile and noted.

She needs to be easy on herself too, I think; I don’t want to see her overcompensate to her own perceived delusions by trying to be TOO realistic and pessimistic. Marcy is allowed to keep having fun with media, she can and HAS made that distinction before, and it’s not entirely her fault that people like Andrias intentionally try to blur the lines to confuse and obfuscate her.

Which again; It sucks that Marcy was on the obvious path to maturity and self-love, to responsibility… But she never really gets the chance to reap the benefits of that effort and growth, because her life is so brutally, suddenly, cut off by this completely outside event that blindsided her, that Marcy’s own wit couldn’t have anticipated, something she couldn’t have ever really anticipated or been prepared for. There’s stuff like the Music Box, Andrias manipulating and then killing her… And it really is unfair how the world pits itself against Marcy, who in a proper environment can and would thrive.

And, Marcy’s whole issue is being supplanted from an environment where she feels happy and safe, that’s what led to her using the music box in the first place, so I suppose that only makes sense; Someone give her a real home for once, one that’ll last and will support her, dang it! Marcy’s circumstances keep unfairly challenging and frustrating her, messing and tearing apart her hard work, and she needs that fair chance she deserves and clearly does well with.

Marcy was practically thrust into situations designed to ruin, tempt, and enable her worst flaws, forced into uncomfortable ultimatums that leave her desperate and alone, like her parents planning to move. It’s a situation meant to encourage Marcy to reverse her own character development, which for a kid who already has a lot of issues figuring out social cues in general, both as a literal child who’s pretty isolated and socially inexperienced, and also as someone blatantly ND-coded… And it really is overwhelmingly cruel and one-sided.

It’s easy to do the right thing when you’re operating from a place of comfort, but in the end, a lot of what Marcy does is survival; It’s the only thing she can do to get by, it’s practically self-defense in a sense. Not to say Marcy never did anything wrong, she clearly admitted it herself… But again, the odds really are so unfairly stacked against her, with how she encounters Andrias while Anne has the Plantars, and Sasha has Grime. Marcy’s just been given a raw deal, the short end of the stick, and I want her to realize this, that it really isn’t her fault in a lot of ways, and that it’s okay in some regards that she did what she needed to, in order to survive… She did what made sense, and she has no blame nor fault for what went wrong.

#amphibia #amphibia spoilers #spoilers #amphibia marcy #marcy wu #meta #analysis #character analysis #autistic Marcy #adhd Marcy

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waragainstyourfaith · 3 years

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Thank you to @broughtmeyourlove for listening to the beginnings of this (aka when I first got my thoughts down) and thank you to me for saying all this in the shower but most importantly thank you @hannibalhadalittlelamb whose art got me to finally think deeper about the nature of Hannibal’s trial. Let’s begin.

Hannibal’s trial isn’t something I usually see discussed within the fandom space. And why would it be? We know the final verdict and we know that besides that everything works out in the end anyway. It’s an afterthought. So who would care? That’s like reading the first few chapters of a book to skip to the final one. Characters change and so does the story as a whole.

On @/hannibalhadalittlelamb’s post (here), their tags read that their depiction of Hannibal is leaning into OOC (out of character) territory. I disagree.

During Hannibal’s trial, we have to think about how it would have gone down. Actually. There was no possible way for Will to miss or be exempt from this trial. His coworkers and boss knew his strong relation to Hannibal and how their professional relationship had definitely, at some point or another, turned personal. The mutual attempts of murder had not been lost on anyone, but, of course, that made Will all the more personal a witness.

However, Will wants nothing to do with Hannibal.

I understand there is a popular theory going around that Will and Hannibal were in a sort of understanding during the trial, but, honestly? We see Will desperately wanting to remain kept away from Hannibal, to live a normal life with a wife and son. Hannibal throws a wrench into this whole ordeal and this trial, after what conspired between them overseas, leaves Will in the headspace and with the opportunity to quite literally never see Hannibal again in his life.

And after everything and with what Will thinks he wants, how could he deny that? Helping Hannibal rule into the insanity plea was not an act of mercy but an act of protection. Will more than anyone knows Hannibal should be kept under 24/7 surveillance and away from every person he could ever harm. Being ruled out of given the death penalty was the underlying bonus his conscience wouldn’t let him think too deeply about.

In court, you are sworn in on the bible, on God, to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth [...] So help you God.”. Both Will and Hannibal were undoubtedly sworn in, but considering the argument Hannibal’s legal team was using, would you trust a man under the insanity plea or his victim who is an FBI agent more? Right.

So, Will is given free rein in this courtroom to spin the story of him and Hannibal whichever way he pleases. Seeing what I mentioned before, Will is going to remove himself as far away from Hannibal as he can while still being able to confidentially and securely reveal everything without getting his hands dirty nor embarrassing himself. Hannibal does not get this luxury.

Hannibal is a man of his privacy. As many analyses have written and as many real psychologists have said while dissecting the headspace of Hannibal, his need to eat people is his need to control. The trauma Hannibal went through with Mischa, whether you know the depth of it or just the surface, is enough context to explain what happens next. Hannibal eats them. Attitude is Hannibal’s one basis of morals and consensus. “One should always eat the rude”.

To determine their fate and to consume them is him “playing God”, but at its core, it is Hannibal needing to be in control. We see the severity of his true, underlying, desperation come to light at a first glimpse with the gruesome death of Beverly Katz. Undoubtedly, this is one of his most haunting scenes and we see the insides(dissection) of Beverly as she had attempted to find in Hannibal by going through his home. By sneaking a glance under the person suit. His inner monster comes out in a rage during this murder. He is private and anything that anyone knows about Hannibal is what he has allowed them to live to be able to say so. Look at Will’s position once more.

What no one seems to realize is that, during this trial, Hannibal is not in control. Will is the spinster of their life, a life Hannibal used his truest of colors to paint, and ultimately watched it becomes torn to shreds in front of him. Remember, Will is sworn in during this trial. This does not necessarily mean he is telling the truth, but it means everyone thinks he is. It’s a play of tragedy and Hannibal and Will are the two lead star-crossed lovers.

The entirely of Hannibal and the world he has handed to Will on a sparkling platter is being dissected and shown to everyone. The story of the Chesapeake Ripper was undoubtedly massive. A criminal having not been caught for years that everyone seemed to know nothing about revealed to be one of the closest, inside links with the FBI themselves? Tale of the decade.

The spotlight is on Hannibal, but he is being puppeteered by Will without a say in it for himself.

Hannibal cracks as he’s poked and prodded and bare for the media to do as they like and Will sits by and says what he likes. Here is where we would see a sliver of what lays beneath their person suits. Hannibal’s impulsivity and monstrousness under his charming exterior and Will’s manipulative, isolatedness under his empathetic cloak.

We look at Hannibal. He would be torn to shreds from this. The porcelain pot that contains his beast has broken and shattered by the swatting hand of Will, someone he trusted and loved. The intruding eyes of the jury stay on him as he is diagnosed as insane while he considers himself to be in the best possible headspace he ever could be. Everything he told Will and what he considered truth from Will’s mouth was dismissed and disputed under oath.

Hannibal is embarrassed. People call him insane and lock him away at dig through his mind and his things without his permission with protruding needles and telescopes. Hannibal has to play nice to simply be allowed a working toilet and the books that he has collected himself. Anything and everything he writes and draws that he wants to send out is dissected and analyzed. He has no privacy. He is not allowed a toe out of line.

Looking back at Hannibal from season one, episode seven is a good one to compare from, and when we see him first after year years in isolation, we see plain as day these are not the same men. In season one, Hannibal is handsome and cunning enough so that he wiggles his way into the deepest, most protected parts of the FBI as one of the highest-ranked killers on their watch list. He is polite enough to even invite them to dinner and feed them the organs of his victims.

He’s slick and intelligent and Hannibal is the idea of a lifetime.

And then we come to the second half of season three.

Hannibal, at this point, has been isolated for three years and has been under painful scrutiny even longer. During this time, he’s had all the space he could get to rebuild the person suit, but the pieces won’t fit. It’s jaggedly put together and no matter how long he spends trying to perfect its construction to what it used to be, it isn’t what it used to be. Will had done that to him. Will had effectively broken Hannibal.

I see often the running gag that season three is immensely funnier and leaning much more into the comedy aspect of Hannibal during his interactions with Will and Alana and even jack to an extent. But this is not him being funny; this is Hannibal pushing limits.

Looking back to paragraph eleven [“To determine their fate and consume them…”] we come back to Hannibal’s need to control. Remember, in this space, Hannibal is shoved into line. He’s snappy and cynical here. This is Hannibal exercising his limits and testing patience. His acting out and making snide comments is nothing he can be punished for, but it clearly agitates them. Hannibal teeters just enough on the edge of annoyance so that his jabs still hit, but his privileges still remain.

This is his monster leaking through the cracks. Hannibal is desperate. He is grasping for a hold over these people he had looked down upon from his throne in the sky as God for so long. He is rude. This is both his shield and deception. It leaves Hannibal with the idea that he is effectively feeding them out of his hand, that he has them right where he wants them. When Hannibal does this, it is his last line of defense to keep himself from blowing up. Ruining it all.

Season three is not season one. He is gasping and hurt and that is what makes the Dolarhyde kill all the more powerful. The whiplash and bounce back with his and Will’s relationship is powerful and dangerous.

Will watching Hannibal with his dead stare, person suit thrown off the moment he decided to go with Hannibal into that car, as he is shot is groundbreaking. Hannibal can see Will. they have effectively switched positions. As though he were God, Will looks down on Hannibal’s suffering. When Will decides to fight Dolarhyde in retaliation, this is the point it all cuts lose.

At that moment, Will has freed the beast. Hannibal has finally someone to take the reins of his monster whom he trusts. Because Hannibal never blamed Will, even during that time in his isolation, he was waiting. Waiting for Will because despite the betrayal and despite the hurt he loved him. All that time he loved him.

The Dolarhyde kill is the messiest one of the show, which makes it all the more powerful. Hannibal has--I don’t want to say “lost composure”--but he definitely has dropped the act of his togetherness. In this, Hannibal is free. So long he has spent trying to hold himself together, to fool those around him and take care of everyone and himself.

It’s a common misconception that a person in a position of power, such as a CEO, would want to be in this position all of the time. In fact, it’s been shown that the human mind needs a healthy balance. A person who is pushed around on a day-to-day basis and has no control over their life would most likely enjoy having control over a person and vice versa.

God must be tired. Hannibal was. Wearing his person suit for years and years, with only a dangerous outlet to relieve the built-up tension of his monster. To place the control into Will’s hands is inevitable and the best relief for both of them. Hannibal in killing and Will in power.

In that final scene, Hannibal has surrendered control to Will while barring the entirety of what lay within and Will has a high enough apathy for this to no longer have any hold over him. They have switched their roles. Now, Will is the one pulling the strings and Hannibal is the one letting himself be maneuvered.

This trial was the turn of the tables. It was the biggest part of their character and the biggest foreshadowing for the finale.

In Florence, Hannibal has the hold over Will. In season two, Will has the hold over Hannibal. In season one, Hannibal has the hold over Will. This trial that has been left out was the missing piece to even their stance and to level their playing field, making it easiest for the two to blur.

The trial is effectively and consequently one of if not the most important scene that was missing from the show.

#takes a deep breath of relief #working on this all day in bits and pieces #hannibal nbc #text #hannibal lecter #this is 2k words long have fun yall i did not reread this #gro.dy

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lovelykhaleesiii · 3 years

Text

Jealousy Isn't Good

HEADCANON

PAIRING: Tom Holland (characters) x fem!Reader (Arvin Russell and Peter Parker)

Words: 1953

Summary (requested by @peeves6261427): “jealous tom/arvin/peter where the reader knows they’re jealous and tries to tease them but then tom/arvin/peter just go FULL dom”

Warnings: jealousy, smut, fluff, dom!Tom Holland (+ characters mentioned)

A/N - I fucking love a good angsty + smutty imagine... hope you like just as much as I did writing it AHAHA :) x

TOM HOLLAND:

Now, when it came to Tom’s jealous side, he was terribly awful at hiding it.

To your complete surprise, it was actually a recurring thing... It wasn't that Tom had trust issues, he just would notice how others would try to “flirt with you”, according to him.

However, you struggled to see this and saw no harm in these interactions, as most of the time you believed people were just being friendly.

When he did become jealous he acted like a complete, stubborn child.

He would give you short, sharp answers, always be temperamental.

Often in the moment you’d catch him making quick glances at you as you’d be talking to whomever.

He’d take a deep breath in, his fists would clench to the point his knuckles turned white.

“Tom, love, you’re doing it again...”

Tom knew how to calm himself, however his mood would be foul for the day.

He had a reputation to hold and did not want to jeopardise that, even if it took him all his strength to not even speak against it.

He really hated the way some would stare at you, eyeing you up and down, especially at premieres where you were all dolled up.

Tom would become super protective, especially amongst places where there were crowds upon crowds of people: you found that his arm would always be tightly wrapped around your waist.

Occasionally, a verbal fight would even break out between the two of you because of this... Until Tom would realise your perspective.

“And what about you Tom?! What about the millions of girls across the world that worship you? Do you see me complaining and whining?”

You were happiest with Tom, and you’d mentioned it repeatedly to him... He knew you were with him for the long run, he just despised the fact that people didn’t realise this.

He’d be the type that needed reassurance that you only had eyes for him, and to make up for his childish behaviour... Sex was the only answer.

This also was the best way he could showcase his dominance over you: he was always in complete control when it came to sex, especially after an episode of jealousy.

Tom would definitely be the type to leave love marks all over you, hickeys were his thing. He’d try not to leave them in obvious places where your skin would be exposed, again for his reputation especially with kids, however on the rare occasion that he’d lose himself... There wasn't nothing that a decent palette of makeup couldn’t cover up!

God sometimes he’d even surprise you with a quick, soft bite on your skin... He was playful like that.

Definitely loves to spank you, again seeing his red hand-print form on your ass cheek just sparks joy in him like nothing else.

And Tom, definitely loves being called Daddy.

Nonetheless, it was a flaw in Tom’s character... He was the jealous type and it was something you were okay to live with.

ARVIN RUSSELL:

Now this man... Would literally go off. Not immediately, it would just constantly be building up inside until he could no longer keep the fury bottled up.

Having to pick up Lenora from school, you also took to this privilege, which always meant Arvin would be waiting right outside for the two of you. He was protective like that.

He was also, however, an impatient man: thus, on the occasional days that a few of your colleagues took up your time after school for a quick chat, often about an assignment or homework... He’d grown quite enraged.

Especially due to the fact that he'd rarely see you during the weekdays from being busy with school. He didn’t want to attend and rather just work, although it took a toll very so often that he’d miss you.

Being such a small town, didn't help the cause, whether it was walking down the street arm in arm, or catching up at the local diner, someone would stop and chat, minimising your time together even more.

However, the jealousy would strike most with other male counterparts.

Arvin, according to his own words “knew what these boys in this town were thinking...”

For his age, and greatly due to his unfortunate circumstances growing up, Arvin mentally and emotionally matured rapidly for his age.

Physically, he was also quite strong and didn’t hesitate when faced with a threat.

Especially after the incident with Lenora and the boys at school... Arvin had a reputation that was built on sheer intimidation. No one dared to mess with anything that even remotely “belonged” to him.

And he’d made it very clear that you were his.

However on the downside, when a boy was “downright stupid” (again according to Arvin), and took a chance on you, or even tried to take advantage of you... Arvin would violently lash out.

It was hard to intervene, especially when matters got physical.

Arvin was obviously the dominant one: he’d precisely plan his attacks, when exactly to strike.

Word would spread, and yet everyone would keep quiet... Some would even argue that Arvin did the right thing for standing by you.

“I-I just don't want people thinking the wrong things about you, baby.”

However you did mention how upset you’d become, witnessing Arvin taking matters into his own hands: and worst of all, you’d hate seeing him hurt with minor wounds to show.

During these times after the altercations, would be the most intimate. Arvin would apologise and promise to try never to lash out again, although you knew that was a lie.

It was these moments he showed his most vulnerable side: he’d confess to how much you meant to him, how much he wanted to keep you safe and overall, how much he’d love you.

“You are the absolute world to be Y/N, baby... You need to know I’d do anything for you.”

Bless him, you thought. You knew violence was never an answer, although considering Arvin’s upbringing, it was mostly all he’d known, all that he was exposed to.

“God, Arvin... I can take care of myself, you know that. A-And if I do ever get in trouble, you know you’ll be the first one I come to.”

However what he dreaded the most was being apart from you. The fear that when you weren't together that’s when something terrible would befall you, killed him deep down and regardless of what you said, or no matter how confident you were of protecting yourself... He knew he’d always be there until he planned for the two of you to leave this “godforsaken town.”

And of course, the sex helped him a lot.

Arvin was the dominant one in the relationship throughout everything. He felt he needed to be in control, and obviously still took into consideration your thoughts and feelings.

However when it came to matters of life and death or even remotely close to your safety, he took serious. He prioritised your safety over his own, and that said a lot.

When I tell you this man would have a breeding kink, I meant it: having children did frighten him a little, although the thought of having them with you, made him feel motivated to have a family of his own.

He loves when you dry hump the fuck out him, seeing how you moan his name as your face to face with one another, the way your tits be jiggling/jumping the more intense you got.

He preferred to have sex in remote, isolated locations. He preferred to silence and peace of mind. Only being in each other’s company.

Often the sex happened in his car, and the moments after would be intimate just like after a fight.

He loved you and you loved him... You both knew you were meant for one another.

PETER PARKER:

Having met Pete, there was no way you’d thought there could ever be a bad bone in him, however it seemed even the perfect Peter Parker struggled with a few minor flaws.

Peter tended to get jealous, however over specific people that he saw as a threat.

He was extremely calculative, and knew who posed a risk to his relationship with you.

He often wouldn’t speak up about it, letting it slide and seeking advice from Ned and Aunt May on what to do, however they’d often persuade him to believe it was nothing major to worry about, and that you only had eyes for him.

And they couldn't be more right.

Peter trusted you greatly, as you did with him.

He didn't trust the cocky guys that would shoot their shot with you, and often it did infuriate him.

At nights, when he was out overlooking the city for whoever would need the help of their friendly, neighbourhood Spider-man, he’d take the time to contemplate to himself.

However, if he got really desperate for some help, he’d even ask his fellow Avengers... Tony wasn't much of a help, he’d just tell him to either spoil the hell out of you, “take her out to a nice restaurant, the chicks dig that intimacy shit.”

Steve, on the other hand, was actually the most helpful.

And they had all met you (and adored you), so they knew exactly who Peter was dealing with.

“Just talk to Y/N, I’m sure she’ll be most understanding... Usually when a guy feels this way about a girl, it means you want to take things seriously,” Captain reasoned.

And from their Peter knew exactly what he had to do.

Dates was a regular think, you made sure of that! Despite needing to balance school, work and Peter’s hectic life as an Avenger... You both proudly managed well.

So taking both Tony’s and Capt’s relationship advice into consideration, Peter thought it would be perfect to just say what he needed to say.

“L-Look Y/N... I know I may not often say it or be the perfect boyfriend, but I-I just wanted to say...”

God you loved how nervous he'd get.

“What is it Pete?” You intervene with a bright smile on your face, trying to encourage him to just speak his mind.

And it seemed to have worked, as his tense shoulders had finally relaxed and he returned with a smile.

“I-I love you, Y/N. I mean, I-I really am so in love with you. It just bothers me that I see you talking to some guys a-and to think that maybe, one day... They might convince you to leave me.”

Your heart broke silently to a thousand pieces: not only was this the first time Peter actually said the words “I love you”, however to hear that this was what had been worrying him this entire time.

“Peter, please don’t ever think that! I could nor would I ever, leave someone as brilliant and caring as you... I love you, Pete, you need to know this.”

And after what would have been the most sacred dates of your life, you knew exactly how to end the perfect night.

As you both had politely left the restaurant, thanking the staff for their incredible food and service, you turned to Peter, your hands cupping his chiselled face.

“Now how about you show me just how much you love me, huh?”

Sex with Peter was often gentle and very personal.

He wasn't over-the-top in control, always making sure you were comfortable and relaxed.

However when you both had gotten into the rhythm of things... A whole, new side of him would peak.

Definitely a boob guy... He’s rough hands would always be massaging your tits, especially when he ate you the fuck out.

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