#but I am still able to function on enough of a level to get the job done | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

patriamrealm · 4 months

Note

Few questions about our favorite Train Twins.

1. What is the relationship between the Submas Twins and Drayden?

2. Thoughts on Drayton, Drayden's confirmed Grandson (I am just confusedby him)?

3. What do you think Drayton thinks of the Train Twins?

Bonus question if Drayton reacts to Ingo's disappearance in a way that fits his character?

Ok now that I've actually played the DLC and met Drayton I'm more confident answering this.

So Drayden is the twins bio uncle turned Father when he took them in after their parents were no longer able to care for them/ He had a bit of a time with some toddlers from Sinnoh that barely spoke Unoven and then gained aspects way way earler than normal. By this point his kids were pretty well grown anyway.

2) As for Drayton, from what I can tell from him is that he's pretty nice if a bit lazy. Caring and encouraging with a bit of a manipulative streak. Not in a bad way more in a he seems to just not be good at outright saying what he wants. He's also does not seem very good at "manipulating" as is. And another thing is that he seems to have a lot of expectations and pressure on his shoulders to essentially live up to his family legacy which may contribute to his being held back 3 years at the BB Academy.

As for aspects mmmm I don't see him as being the type to have actually fully evolved, or at all. Not 100% sure what he should be but I kinda like the idea of him having horsea aspects, fits his hair honestly.

3) Relationship wise with the twins, biologically they are cousins but function more as older brothers/silly uncles being only 5 years older than him. He doesn't see them super often but often enough for a decently close family. Family get togethers, visits, birthdays, holidays, ect.

But also they kind of are just another example in his family to live up to, another expectation on his shoulders. They're punctual, strong, driven, fully evolved, and battle facility heads which are near champion level trainers. Just two other examples in a long line to live up to.

In the same breath they're incredibly silly and always super encouraging of anything. If he said he wanted to be just a baker or something he's well aware they'd encourage it 100%

Bonus) Now as for his reaction to Ingo's disappearance,

I think he'd likely be at school when that happened, likely got a phone call that Ingo has been missing for a few days now and hasn't been found. Which is upsetting.

I can see him being uncharacteristically antsy and worried for a while waiting to hear any news. To the point that his friends are worried about him. But ultimately winds up accepting Ingo is likely dead after a month or two of no one finding him. Drayton can't exactly do anything to help and he does still have school. He is likely still hopeful that there will be news eventually, good or bad but dwelling on something he can't change is ultimately pointless and overall unhealthy.

#pokemon!aspects #submas #blueberry academy #ingo #emmet #drayden #drayton #lacey #I did no know Drayden had a grandson until you asked about him #I hadn't played the DLC yet so I was completely blindsided #He's interesting though.

156 notes · View notes

ms-scarletwings · 7 months

Text

So there was a note under my post about Zim hovering a finger over the self destruct switch on his first day on Earth that just cracked open something in my mind.

Cause…Oh. Oh hecc you, @murhuedur. You actually touched on like, my favorite thing about this character, period. I really like this take, I do. It’s a good one. I ponder, still,

In my own opinion, it’s actually genuine confidence and arrogance, but Zim’s delusions of grandeur are as a thin rubber band. They can stretch out to wild lengths and remain malleable enough to bend around truth as he wills,

But there’s a hard limit out there eventually, and should reality require him to stretch his cognitive dissonance just too far, it’s a violent snap-back to full clarity. I don’t think he’s faking it or always lying to everyone else about what hot shit he is, because I think he fully believes those lies about as fast as he can speak them, even if he will later realize he was wrong after a cosmic punch to the face.

Like, Zim’s smart, but smart people aren’t inherently rational ones. Within Zim, the tallest, hell, maybe even Skoodge, there’s sometimes this very short-sighted flippancy about what is objectively true/false that peeks out every now and again in their psychology. I mean, humans sometimes do this too when it’s convenient to their interests, just, obviously not to goofy cartoon character levels if they want to function in society.

Zim has whatever this flaw is and cranked up to 11, maybe as a side effect of his PAK defects. Sometimes it gets him into DEEP shit, but it’s also his biggest mental shield. Zim has like no fortitude against spiraling into a full on depression or a justifiable panic attack over the smallest concession of being an absolute failure to his race. That weaponized denial that makes him so dangerous to himself and others also keeps him together and motivated forward. But it’s not largely a conscious lie he’s telling himself. It’s genuine faith he’s trying to manifest into matter through sheer force of his will.

His dogmatic mantra, “I am Zim” and what it means to him is a statement he holds on such conviction it overpowered and hijacked the ego of 3 control brains at once.

If I were inserting him into DnD he’d have the wisdom stat of a stale poptart and a 20+ thrown into charisma. He’s faking it without even understanding he’s faking it.

But were he completely detached from reality, he’d be WAY more likely than even now to accidentally get himself killed. While a narcissistic level of self esteem is what lets him ignore and selectively unhear inconvenient truths, the adrenaline of immediate life or death danger is what grounds him back in the real world. You notice over time that as self-sabotaging as he normally is, he seems to act his most rational and competent when he’s suddenly put against the grindstone and self preservation HAS to jump into the driver’s seat. He basically survives his day to day on a tightrope between a falsely glorious narrative of himself, and his perceptive anxiety both tugging him to land on either side of the fence when something big happens.

In “The Trial”, he wastes very little time on his expected bullshit or his confidence in being able to just win over the approval of his judges.. by virtue of being his awesome self. He spent most of that ordeal on the verge of a heart attack, squirmed to find an escape, and actually tried to DENY causing the death of two Almighty Tallests (reminder that he usually owns up to his atrocities with downright offensive pride). He understood the full gravity of an existence evaluation and how cooked his goose was. As soon as the situation resolves and he’s no longer in that danger, it’s right back to full trust of his status as an invader, and in Red and Purple as his biggest fans. When his disguise starts to slip in front of Skool kids he knows are dumb as a bag of rocks, he can silver tongue his way around that without skipping a beat. Losing his disguise in front of a bunch of alien-obsessed adults? Uh oh, pants-shitting terror, this is potentially game-over levels of bad, immediately gtfo of here. Stand there, chest beat, and scold the obviously rogue duty-mode Gir all day until the second it actually tries to kill you and you suddenly have to realize you’re not the one holding the cards anymore to save your own life.

The other way this quirk of his really shows through is in his selective memory. Zim has this skill to repress down and push away unpleasant experiences that I think some of us can only dream we had. I love it because it’s equal parts a comedic and analytical goldmine.

Tak, who actually posed a legit threat to his entire mission and tried herself to chip through that massive wall of denial he’s shielded in- same Tak who’s powerful af ship was stolen and desecrated by Zim’s arch nemesis… she’s not just an afterthought in his mind after that mess. He’s literally pushed that one out of his thoughts altogether in the comics. Like she, and Skoodge, who he can’t fucking stand, might as well have never even existed, even while GIR’s trying to remind him. That time he played around with time travel and it was one of the biggest clusterfucks he quickly lost control of? The bologna incident he stooped so low as to ask dib to help him with? You must be thinking of someone else. Nope. Not a thing. Lalala, can’t even hear you. This is also what makes it no wonder he deeply struggles with actually learning from certain mistakes.

From an outsider’s eye this behavior of his is baffling. It makes him look actually insane or at least obnoxiously obstinate. And I think both assumptions are half right, because this is clearly not the result of mere stupidity. Those truths are simply wayyyy too discordant with his view of himself to devote surface memory to, or too uncomfortable, unless and until, of course, you confront him with them in a fashion where that rubber band has to snap, that bubble pops, and he instantly sobers out of that complacency.

youtube

Literally god forbid he ever stops being defective in this way or is given the ability to reckon with the reality of his situation and his history all at once. I’m not even just talking about his job or banishment. I’m talking about his entire life. This chaotic, flexible, incoherent mindstate is the only branch he’s holding onto from dropping into a much more horrifying chasm beneath himself, the depth of which we can only guess. I straight up have no idea what he would do or what could happen to him if he could, even for a moment, rationally comprehend his every action, memory, and empirical truth all at the same time. Seriously, leave that Pak’s Gordian Knot be, or I imagine there could be an HP Lovecraft type of breakdown in the making.

#By the way this is probably one of the most important differences between him and Dib, and what makes Zib so… way he is.

#iz #iz analysis #invader zim #iz clips #iz headcanons #character dissection #dude’s a little messed up #scarlet talks about things #oh hecc #here i go again #long post #by the way this is like the main difference that separates him and dib the most starkly #Youtube

200 notes · View notes

yuri-is-online · 27 days

Note

...so you just threw this beautiful idea of Fyuuture kid, and left me with a brainrot? Especially after you answered one ask with i quote "he loves his parent so much and was really fighting it to keep it together when he saw them alive again" end of the quote. WHAT DO YOU MEAN AGAIN? WHAT? HOW?

ask 1 and ask 2

Oh 👉👈? I wasn't expecting to get an ask about this au ever again actually, but I am so glad you did, I like it a lot. I mentioned Fire Emblem Awakening in the first ask I got about it but for those of you who haven't played the game, the plot features the children of your army traveling back in time to try and prevent the end of the world. That's more or less what happened in the fyuuture kid au, at least in my first draft... I always end up associating the "future kid meets their parents" trope with either FE: Awakening or I guess Golden Sun? Which I think is the name of the jrpg where something similar happens idk I just like there being a reason for the kid to need to meet their parents.

In my original draft of the au, Yuu was told by Crowley there was no way home for them, so they settled down with Yutu's father and started building a life together. This turned out to not be true, as the Magical Marshall's office began investigating the overblots that happened while Yuu was in school and came to the conclusion Yuu had something to do with them; so they were secretly arrested, cursed to forget everything about Twisted Wonderland, and sent home. The curse was meant to trigger every time Yuu vaguely remembered their time in the otherworld, with the idea their brain would prevent them from thinking about it after a while. They would have justified it, if anyone had been there to ask, by saying Yuu wouldn't know they were missing anything and would be able to live a happy life. When Yutu was born that made that outcome impossible, but the Marshal's office didn't think to check if Yuu was pregnant...

Shortly after they did that though strange things started happening. Monster attacks got more frequent, blot levels started rising, not to extremes immediately but still enough to be concerning. Reports of a strange, abyssal magic using beast, started pouring in to S.T.Y.X. suspiciously close to Grim's description. While Yuu was busy trying to put their life back together in their world, Twisted Wonderland slowly began to fall apart drowning under an ink colored sky. The overblot phantoms they fought come back and begin hunting in their respective homelands, and rumor has it they can turn certain mages into their thralls...

The curse slowly eats away at Yuu's brain, every time they see something that reminds them of their friends, their time at NRC, every time Yutu does something that would make them think about how much he takes after his dad, they feel a great deal of physical pain and temporarily lose the ability to function. It's killing them, and no doctor or specialist can figure out the cause, so Yutu just has to sit there and watch his parent slowly die and not be able to do anything about it. I was uncertain of where exactly I wanted Yuu to die in the story, but it always was around when Yutu gets isekaid to NRC, either before and he had to leave them behind or after when they both get to go home finally! But Yuu doesn't completely make it, they're able to have one moment of peace with their son and Professor Crewel before passing on.

Yutu's dad changes depending on who you want it to be of course, as does whether they met before he and his friends decided to go back in time to prevent this version of the future from ever happening, but his feelings about Yuu never changes. Yutu really admires his parent, he did even before he learned about them facing down overblots! They were really close and the more he learned about their curse, the more responsible he felt for their death. He's very determined to keep Yuu alive and safe in Twisted Wonderland in this timeline, even if it costs him his life.

His opinion on his dad really changes depending on who it is and what he learns about them. Like can you imagine learning your dad was known for being obsessed with teeth and no he had no intention of being a dentist? Clown behavior 💀💀💀 His friends were all ocs I made but never really developed... I do remember that one was a younger sibling of Kalim's (who could be his aunt if you like Kalim and absolutely embraces that role), her retainer, Crewel's son who also sees himself as Yutu's uncle (the feeling isn't mutual) because he is old enough to sort of remember Yuu and thinks of them as a sibling, and a random oc I based off of the kid from Up for no reason other than I like the movie. They also came back in time, but only Yutu ended up in the right place, just like fire emblem awakening.

idk I should probably do something with it. like writing the reactions for the other dorms...

#<3 asks #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #future kid au #i am so sorry if you wanted more domestic moments w yuu and yutu and got a lore dump instead #if you want those feel free to ask i need a distraction from the long fic i am writing ha

93 notes · View notes

the-bad-batch-baroness · 24 days

Text

Health Update

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out or commented on the latest installment of Where's Mommy? to wish me good health. I am so grateful for all of you 💚

However, the health issue I'm currently dealing with isn't due to a virus or bacteria, and there's a possibility it won't get better.

A little history.

Back in 2022, there was a two week period where I felt like my blood sugar was dropping, and I was very symptomatic. There was a moment where I slumped down a wall at work because of it, and they had to dump sugar packets from the break room into my mouth to rouse me. It was a very scary time.

After those two weeks, I went to my Primary Care Physician who ordered blood tests and had me purchase a glucometer to test my blood sugar several times a day. However, during the two weeks she had me do this, I never got a reading below 70, and the same symptoms did not develop as they did prior. My blood work came back clean, and without a reading lower than 70, my PCP dismissed it and told me I was having anxiety attacks, lol. She told me to come back if the symptoms came back, and they never did.

Backing up a couple more years.

Without revealing too much of my medical history, I have a chronic illness called POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). It's a dysautonomia or a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, the system that controls all of the automatic functions of the body. It was caused by my battle with Lyme Disease in 2010 and is currently incurable. I was diagnosed with POTS in 2018, after being told for 6 years that I had anxiety, lol.

POTS is not a very well-known illness, but it's getting more attention these days. It garners a host of different symptoms, including tachycardia, chronic fatigue, brain fog, orthostatic intolerance, migraines, gut issues, syncope, dehydration, blood pooling, etc. Everyone's POTS presents differently, and most people with a POTS diagnosis live on disability. I made the choice not to.

Fast forward to 2024.

Fast forward again to this past Wednesday.

Well, I finally was able to get a POTS specialist in my state this year. A huge win! When I had my initial consultation, I had mentioned the low blood sugar episodes in 2022 and asked if it could be related to POTS. The doctor told me that they don't see POTS patients having low blood sugar issues, but we're concerned enough to refer me to an endocrinologist. Another big win!

I had my consultation with the endocrinologist, and he ordered more blood tests, some of the same tests as before, and some different (y'all, they took like 20 vials from me). He also gave me a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) to wear for 14 days so they can track my highs and lows to see if they can catch anything.

Well, the next night, my blood sugar dropped below 70, 20 times, and 55, 9 times. Which means I was woken up 9 times throughout the night. I got only about 2 hours of sleep, and still had to go to work the next morning. But, once again, it went back up by itself without any intervention from me.

Y'all, it caught A LOT in just the first day, actually night. My blood sugar dropped below 70, 11 times, and below 55, 4 times while I was sleeping. Now, because anything below 55 is considered critical and could be fatal, there is an alarm that cannot be overridden and will sound. It sounds like a smoke alarm. So, I was awoken 4 times.

The odd thing is that my blood sugar dropped, then went back up on its own. I didn't eat or drink anything. Blood sugar doesn't really do that, so I thought it was odd. This also begs the question: If I'm asymptomatic at 53, then what level was I at in 2022 when I had symptoms? Honestly, I don't want to know.

Here is a nifty graph!

All of the red is considered low blood sugar, below 70, and anything close to that 50 line is considered critical low blood sugar. And again, I did not eat anything during the night.

There are four major anomalies with my low blood sugar occurences:

Most cases of hypoglycemia are seen in diabetics, I am not diabetic

Most cases of hypoglycemia seen in non-diabetics are sporadic, mine are consistent

Hypoglycemia is normally corrected by consuming sugar, mine auto-corrects

When blood sugar drops, it creates symptoms, I do not get symptoms

There are only a handful of things that can cause hypoglycemia in a non-diabetic and even less consistently at night time. The doctor has already ruled out insulinoma (insulin producing tumors in the pancreas), so that leaves even less, and also the good old "we don't know what's wrong with you".

I'm not going to lie. This whole thing terrifies me. There's no telling how long my blood sugar has been doing this, and it only takes one dip below 50 for me to slip into a coma and die in my sleep. Luckily, my blood sugar does this crazy autocorrect thing, and I haven't died yet! Humor makes this easier.

Right now, I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Adding this on top of my already difficult life with POTS has been hard to cope with, and I'm crying a lot.

Hopefully, I'll get results soon, and my endocrinologist can figure out why this is happening and how to manage/fix it if it can be managed/fixed. Maybe I've got a completely new illness, and you'll find me in a medical journal! Wouldn't that be something.

Anyway, thanks for the continued support. I have a lot of IRL support from friends and family, but while I go through this process, I may seem distant, my posting might be sporadic, I may not keep my fic posting schedule, etc. And when I have an update, I promise to let y'all know!

Much love 💚💚💚

Steph

#tbbb speaks #health update

54 notes · View notes

drferox · 8 months

Text

Updates…

So the pretty good news is that my child custody case is pretty much sorted, and I have functionally sole custody of Honey Bee, with the ex only having supervised visitation unless he puts in more than minimum effort. Feeling reasonably secure on that front.

Going through family court is definitely an unpleasant experience though. It is definitely not set up to favor mothers, and it was both infuriating and distressing to watch him submit quote cruel lies to the court, to which I find that get to reply. While I could have proved a lot of his lies to be lies, the amount of evidence required, the number of pages to look through, was just not going to be considered by a court system that is so short on time. Fortunately for me, he kept making really dumb decisions, and that’s what decided the outcome more than anything else, I think.

It’s a rough experience because while you think the other side is making outlandish claims and bad decisions, you have no indication as to whether the courts view their actions in the same way until the end. There is zero feedback as you go along.

But it’s done for now, and from here on in I can only hope that he either improves himself as a human being and father… or gets bored and wanders off to let us get on with life.

In the petty adequate news, my Multiple Sclerosis seems fairly stable. It’s coming up to two years and I don’t think there are any major new symptoms, and I am better able to know what my physical limits are. Every now and then I’ll think I want to give surgery a go, but am only really good for 10 minutes or so, so that’s not something I can realistically do any more. It’s enough to help a new graduate get out of a disaster, but I can’t take over for them if they’re struggling. I miss surgery very badly.

The Kesimpta is getting easier to manage, side effects are still very random but significantly milder than when I started. Mostly any pain gets managed with stretches and osteopathy. The fatigue is frustrating but I’m getting better at knowing how much I can actually push myself, because if I go over that level I will be wiped out for a few days. I can tell you about that journey if you want to know. Overall it’s not terrible, but it is frequently frustrating.

So now I’m feeling safer and more stable, I will try to get back to irregular posting. But no promises, the energy isn’t what it used to be.

#update #multiple sclerosis #family court

354 notes · View notes

sarifel-corrisafid-ilxhel · 11 days

Text

I am now thinking more about the Jurassic Park/World - Animorphs crossover AU (Dinomorphs?). It has stuck in my head like a bad song and I can't get it out.

InGen and any of the other companies involved with making the dinosaurs would be taken over by the Yeerks almost as soon as the Yeerks arrive. These companies have biological engineering capabilities approaching the level of the Arn, but on a much better planet. The Yeerks would be salivating over that.

Following on from this: Hybrid dinosaurs like the Indo-series Rex and Raptor or the Stegoceratops from the video games are probably Yeerk projects. The Yeerks are looking for ways to create more shock troops to unleash on the Andalites.

Similarly, we could expect to see even more interesting hybrids involving alien DNA. Velocihorks and Pterotaxxons and Geddosaurs. I imagine most of these hybrid projects would be failures that illustrate the depravity and utter inhumanity of the Yeerks, like the failed Aquatic Hork-Bajir project.

Dinosaur-controllers, mostly with medium-sized dinosaurs that can function as guards or shock-troops but aren't too big to fit inside of Yeerk ships. As much as Visser Three would love to have Tyrannosaur-Controllers on the payroll, they're just too big and their arms too tiny to be useful to the Empire on a day to day basis. (I imagine this is the same reason the Yeerks can't deploy the giant monsters on the Hork-Bajir homeworld to other planets - their spaceships just can't hold the critters, there's not enough room.)

Visser Three, of course, would have all the big dinosaur morphs. He can bypass the "too big to fit" limitation thanks to Alloran's morphing ability.

Because the Yeerks have to use smaller dinosaurs in their ships and Yeerk Pools, the Animorphs could still use their regular battle morphs (or in Ax's case, his normal Andalite body) for a lot of the fighting, if they aren't able to acquire dinosaurs themselves. And if Visser Three turns into something too big for them to handle, they can do what they usually do and run.

If the dinosaurs have escaped into the wild before the Animorphs get into the war, then smaller dinosaur morphs could be acquired at Cassie's barn.

Following on from the last point - if Cassie has any mid-size theropods at the Barn, or if there are any at The Gardens, then Tobias definitely gets stuck as one of those instead of a hawk.

How would the chimeric DNA of the dinosaurs affect morphing allergies? What if Rachel burps up a Baryonyx or an Ankylosaurus because it has the part of the crocodile DNA that she's allergic to in it? Is this how we find out Jake is allergic to Tree Frog DNA?

Toby and the Free Hork-Bajir adopt a dinosaur early on. I don't know what kind yet.

#Animorphs #Jurassic Park #Dinomorphs #headcanons and other ideas

30 notes · View notes

ineffectualdemon · 8 months

Text

I know the "it's never to late to learn" feels fake especially when you're younger

But I'm going to be 40 soon and:

I'm in my last year of Uni for my History Degree having started in my 30s

I'm learning Japanese on Duolingo for fun and have a 408 day streak. It's still super basic but I'm having fun and I am learning and getting better

I finally learned how to use chopsticks this year and every time I practice with them my control is getting better

I learned embroidery last year

I have taught myself enough sewing skills over the last 5 years that I hand sewed this bag:

Am I going to be an expert at any of these things?

But I'm not trying to be

And what I get out of it is that they have brought me skills and knowledge and satisfaction and contentment

They have enriched my life and given me skills and just because I'm almost 40 doesn't mean these new skills have no use

Learning anything at any age improves your life

I understand it can be hard to start. Especially if you're someone who if you can't get it right the first time you consider yourself a failure

But! Some advice!

1. Make a skill tree!

This tiktoker Trejayne has a video showing her skill tree that she made:

But it's a way to make it fun and less intimidating

2. First time is the tutorial

I made I think 4 versions before I made my bag? I made a very basic one with scrap material, then prototype 1 which was made out of slightly better material but still just a test. Then Prototype 2 which is a functional bag but smaller made out of the same material as the main bag

And then when I was confident I moved onto the final product

Also! When doing the embroidery when I was doing a new stitch I hadn't done before I got a bit of scrap fabric and practiced on there.

I just sometimes find it easier if I consider my first attempt the tutorial and then if I'm still not confident I practice the tutorial until I am

Then I can move up a level and I can replay that level (keep doing projects at that skill level) until I feel confident I can't tackle the next level

Idk. I remember at 20 feeling like I was a stupid failure who would never learn anything again because I was burnt out after highschool and didn't go to university

And it really made it difficult to believe I could learn anything later

And that's not how I want anyone else to feel because it wasn't true for me and it's not for you

Sometimes things take awhile to click

Yes younger brains are more easily able to absorb information but I know for me at least there were lots of things I tried to learn when I was a kid that didn't click together in a way that made sense until I tried as an adult

#learning

83 notes · View notes

aingeal98 · 6 months

Note

hiii i consider u a cass expert and since this has been eating at my brain for a few years at this point; do you have any thoughts on the way cain's poor excuse for parenting impacted cass on more of a cognitive/developmental level? like children need stimuli of all kind that she clearly didnt get even outside of literacy and social interaction and i think its super interesting to explore how cass has complicated relationships with things most people take for granted (like... did cain allow her to have any toys? to play any games other than the "two for flinching" thing? does she struggle with the fine motor skill needed for writing bc she really didnt have smth similar? omg is she ok?? i want to peel her like an onion so badly) sorry for brain vomiting over here i have thoughts and feelings about cass cain and its incurable

Anon you've come to the right place for incurable thoughts and feelings about Cassandra Cain! And you raise such a good point like there's no way Cain's abuse didn't leave her with more than just aphasia, illiteracy, cptsd, all the emotional issues... OK well he left her with a lot of stuff but still! You're definitely right that there's more. I'm no expert but one thing I know how to do is ramble about Cass, so:

In flashbacks we see young Cass doing a jigsaw of a rose in the dojo Cain's raising her in, which makes me think he did want to find ways to make sure her cognitive skills functioned even without words. Of course this is just me theorising but in terms of toys I think he would have carefully selected things that would stimulate her brain and improve her motor skills even without reading and writing. The image of David Cain carefully buying Jenga and Operation and making sure all the packaging with words on it never reaches Cass is now permenantly stuck in my head so thank you for that.

I do think she was definitely deprived of a lot though, and things like the jigsaw were clearly meant to be filler stuff for her before the actual fun games like "getting shot and dodging the next few bullets". I don't think Cain would have ever wanted Cass to be relaxed and comfortable enough to actually fully enjoy playing with toys, you know? If she was actually able to find things like jigsaws meaningful and fulfilling then his conditioning of her to associate getting shot with "fun game of dodgeball" wouldn't have been as successful. Cass may not have liked two for flinching but she did love the fighting and the dodging. Any thoughts of "why am I in pain when I could just be playing Jenga" would have never been allowed enter Cass's head. Which would be easy enough because (understandably so given the isolation) Cass looked up to Cain and got joy and fulfilment from seeing him smile. He doesn't care if she finished the jigsaw other than getting angry/worried if she fails. Whereas being able to assemble and break apart a gun while blind makes him light up with happiness/pride. So naturally, even with Cain making sure her brain isn't TOO different for her not to be able to function as the perfect weapon, she would still be deprived of important cognitive skills and stimuli.

The writing specific fine motor skills would definitely be impacted imo because while her training makes sure her hands can work a massive variety of weapons and probably permenantly injure a man in multiple places with each finger, writing is such a specific task that only comes naturally to us because we learned it so young. It can be learned later in life of course but the natural act of holding a pen and writing would feel so alien to Cass. And that's before you factor in her dyslexia like no wonder we only saw her pick up a pen once 😭 Cass being able to write the alphabet with any sort of ease and lack of intense focus would be a massive accomplishment given David Cain's fuckery.

And just in general being so isolated for most of her childhood would have impacted her brain so badly like even without the autism Cass must have been in overstimulated sensory hell after leaving Cain. So many voices talking, which she'd never heard before. So many smells and sounds and new textures and sights that are too intense for her eyes to handle. She missed out on an entire world and only got to start experiencing it when she was 8, that's got to have a longterm impact. I think as well as autism Bruce and Barbara had her tested for adhd due to all the symptoms she displayed. Doctors aren't clear if she actually has it or if its something different brought on by her upbringing. She spent nine years homeless and travelling so she's more adjusted than she was at the start but there's still times that the whole world just goes blurry and whoops panic attack time need to find an empty place and hide.

I'll stop here so I don't rant forever but thank you for giving me the chance to yell about head. canons and theories. Cass is indeed the most fascinating onion, and the layers are endless. Feel free to rant in my inbox whenever you want I love hearing other people's thoughts on her!

#dc #cassandra cain #dc rambles #asks

59 notes · View notes

many-but-one · 2 months

Note

i dunno if you guys answer asks but what’s the best way to start… remembering? our social worker suggested hypnotherapy but i don’t know if that works well. we’re aware of the possibility of ramcoa trauma happening and have a few memories but we don’t know how to go about piecing things together

We do answer asks! We just forget we have an askbox sometimes. This one caught my attention in particular due to the mention of hypnotherapy and a possibility of RAMCOA trauma.

Obligatory “I’m not a therapist I’m just a random system on tumblr and you should make your own informed decisions on your own mental health.”

So if you suspect RAMCOA trauma in your history I would advise to be extremely careful and/or cautious about pursuing hypnotherapy. We have never done hypnotherapy and never will because hypnosis is a very common mode that programmers will use to create a dissociated state in a child. Hypnosis therefore is extremely triggering to us and if your system has parts who are programmed to run when hypnosis begins, it could cause a risk to your system’s stability.

As for tips on how to remember, all I will say is that you should probably consider the factors that make you unable to remember at this time.

Common reasons why amnesia can be strong/worsen for systems (side note: these are all personal experiences or experiences I’ve heard from other systems):

stress in daily life often causes amnesia barriers to strengthen or worsen

a lot of trauma has already recently come out. Especially in the case of HC-DID or C-DID where higher ups can often control amnesia levels to an extent, your gatekeepers will often increase amnesia levels if trauma has already recently slipped out to avoid even more slipping out

you are still having to consistently interact with someone who was involved in or complicit in your trauma. If you are living with your dad who you think is kind of a dick but not that bad and suddenly get memories that he tortured you, living with that person will become nearly impossible for your wellbeing. Gatekeepers will often keep stuff locked down when you are still having to be in contact with past abusers

you are not in a stable position to begin to receive trauma memories. People with CPTSD, a CDD, etc often report that they function fine enough when they are living in an abusive environment, but once they leave that environment and can truly relax, that’s when memories and flashbacks start hitting them and they become nearly nonfunctional despite being in a significantly calmer and safer environment. That’s your body and mind finally leaving fight or flight mode and when you truly get to relax for the first time it’s going to hit you like a truck.

Take it from a host that dug too much too soon and learned things way too fast: slow the fuck down. /meant gently. Your memories will surface in time. There is no rush to figure everything out. Trust me, the more you start learning the more you will probably be like “damn actually I don’t wanna know any more this is getting pretty bad” and by then your system will be like “WELL THAT’S TOO DAMN BAD.”

I had to get pulled from the host team for nearly a year because of how bad digging for memories fucked me up. Granted, I ended up taking up inner caretaking and inner deprogramming and now that our system is very nearly completely deprogrammed, my inner world job is less necessary so I can return to full time host business. There were several other factors that also led to me being unable to host again for so long, such as programmed parts constantly attacking and harming host team members (couldn’t handle that I am Fragile) and also having a harder time speaking in an American accent and masking my English one due to a series of splits that happened after we got divorced from our ex wife. I can mask my accent better now and my distress tolerance is much higher now due to having worked with programmed parts internally for so long, which makes me able to return to main host stuff and not get absolutely mentally destroyed anytime I experience a flashback or programmed response or an attack from a programmed part anymore.

If you have RAMCOA trauma, no matter if it was stuff from a single parent or a high control group, none of it will be fun to learn. It will be some of the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing things you will ever experience, seeing flashbacks of your kid self being harmed in ways no human should be harmed, let alone an innocent kid. And I’m not saying you’re trying to learn for the fun of it, I’m assuming you want to learn for two reasons at least:

1) you’re in denial and need proof

2) you want to help your system heal

What I did to help myself through these two things were this:

When I experienced denial, such as when a part told me something or showed me something, I would just default to believing them no matter if I thought something like that could ever happen. My kid self deserves to have someone believe them. We were never believed as a kid, nobody paid attention, we were ignored. I’m never doing that to myself ever again. If the memory turns out to be a pseudomemory, or you realize maybe this didn’t really happen the way you thought, you’ll figure that out when you get there and that doesn’t mean you were faking it.

As for wanting to help my system heal, I learned I actually didn’t need to know as much info as I thought I needed to know to help my system heal. The extent of what I know now is a few visuals, that’s it. I have seen maybe about a dozen visual memories (not even in their entirety, often just 1 or 2 seconds of something) and the rest is just “this is what happened” as told to me by my parts. It’s like reading a horrible story, I’m incredibly detached from it. But the things I have seen have helped me learn to take my parts seriously when they tell me what happened. I catalogue their triggers, I learn what to avoid, I learn how to positively trigger out other parts who can help, I work on inner communication, etc. I don’t need to know all the details yet, that will come later. For now, I can teach my parts who haven’t seen the light of day for 15 years how to ground in the present and show them healthy coping skills. I can give them the comfort and love they always deserved. I don’t need to know what happened to do that. I can know it’s bad because they got triggered out when I looked in the mirror and they saw my red lipstick and freaked. I can know it’s bad because they internally look like a doll with no limbs or a young girl with no eyes and only a mouth full of teeth. I don’t need to see what made them that way/remember what made them that way to help them.

I hope my answer helped anon! Good luck!

-Dori 🌹(she/he/they)

#dori🌹#dorian🌹#answered asks #anon ask #did alters #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #manybutone #hcdid #ramcoa #tw ramcoa #tw torture #did denial #coping skills #did amnesia

25 notes · View notes

snackugaki · 1 year

Photo

...this could have been an email text post

hi hello, i’m snacku ur local first gen/90s turtlemania survivor/”87 fan”/”90s fan” and I hurt my own feelings contemplating Donatello Ninjaturtle

bAcK iN mY dAy... Donnie didn’t like.... have this many fans out here, at least not as much as my then preteen brain remembers-- it was mostly Leo’re Raph I saw. like i AM accounting for hanging out here, on tumblr, for my tmnt content, and the iterations that are especially popular with turtles just straight up made more blorbable than others here but like ......hmm there’s too many disparate thoughts I’mma bullet point instead

like hhhh there’s so much I’m gonna/gotta gloss over ‘cuz I’m still pretending this is my original art blog and not the tmnt fanart blog I’m slowly mutating into

anyway, endlessly hilarious to me Donnie went from this kinda dweeby mechanical engineer gear head character to this dweeby (affectionate) computer science menace

that he (and his brothers) used to be max 5′, and now he’s just Taller than his brothers

for me, originally all of them would’ve been able to at least survive alone but now, as goods and services become more accessible via internet now it’s like for fanon Donnie’s become utterly indispensable to the survival of his family and that makes me kinda sad in a way I’m not even gonna try to unravel why

i do not have a whiteboard big enough or the dry eraser markers that work on the first try to draw a Pepe Silvia-level theory board on the jumps in technology, how it’s affected public perception, the whole Nerds R Cool phenomenon and how it’s affected/will affect Donatello’s characterization/audience reception in future iterations

with electronic waste being what it’s become, fast fashion waste too... I am so curious how Donnie’s (and the rest of them) gonna look like in designs/redesigns

(still have a hard time bay!Donnie didn’t, like, cobble together a 3D printer or even fix an industrial textile machine but like I get it, their look was very Scávenge S/S 2016)

tl;dr tech advancements have been silly strong and since 2016 Donnie’s just out here with personal tech like 20 years ahead instead of recycled junk to keep contemporarily functional lolololololololol

#putting the shit in shitpost #hey kids wanna see a dead bod--#failed comic?#this is for the art homies #sometimes shit just refuses to work #it happens #to everyone #keep drawing #the fact I forced myself to keep 'on model'#absolutely did NOT help #but crossovers just don't taste as good if they aren't

145 notes · View notes

f0xgl0v3 · 4 months

Text

Legacies in Camp Jupiter/Just Pjo?

Wow I am on a roll! Anyway I’ve been wanting to do this and the power post just really dragged up this issue in my head back to the forefront, and it is someone that really continuously confuses me on a basic level of how Rick chose to let this category function.

Legacies are a type of Demigod introduced in HoO that are directly related to Gods but aren’t first generation. They are not children of gods but like grandkids, great-grandkids, so on and so on. This is not a new concept, it is as old as myths themselves, the first thing that pops up in my mind was Troy’s royal family was said in myths to be descended from Zeus. That makes someone like Hector (in Pjo-verse vocabulary) a legacy in the Pjo canon.

But.. Legacies aren’t really different to demigods? Like- not different enough that they would get classified as differently-? For several reasons I believe, but the main three points I want to make (because apparently all my thoughts come in packs of 3), is that 1) Legacies and Demigods are shown to have the same godly-ability level as one another/ it’s inconsistent, 2) somewhat through the books themselves they just sort of stop using the word Legacy/Legacies never have anything that set them apart from demigods, 3) this is a new concept to distinguish them (this is the weakest but it feels weird that Rick decided to differentiate Legacies and Demigods when myths never really did too much, but when did Rick care about the source material- okay, that was rude I’m just still annoyed over Ares-)

Anyway,

Legacies and Demigods powers. Legacies are shown to have similar power levels to Demigods, or those powers are inconsistent. I bring this up because it feels odd? That legacies would have a similar broad level of abilities while still being more mortal than god (this depends and I’ll talk about what I think for like hc on New Rome and their legacy population) but we have characters like Bryce Lawerence; who has powers like, shadow travel (the shadow travel is implied but I’ll get into why it’s likely he has some form of enhanced ability to travel), enhanced tracking (also implied but this will fit into the travel thing), summoning the damned souls of those who broke oaths, along with being implied to have visited the underworld at some point because he mentions hearing the screams of the fields of punishment. But let’s also remember that BoO takes place somewhere in 8-9 days (starts July 20, ends Aug 3) the Bryce attack scene is on chapter XXX while Bryce being brought back to the legion is in chapter VI. No less than if I remember correctly like 2-3 days could’ve past. There are a couple things, he’s stealthy enough that Nico doesn’t notice him. We don’t get any confirmation that he’d been following them for a while (from all I know of Bryce’s character I have to assume he wasn’t or he would’ve 100 percent taken the first chance to attack them) but he is able to get from Long Island to South Carolina on foot, and seemingly appear out of nowhere. There is probably a logical explanation but also considering the fact he knows what’s happening to Nico (that shadow traveling fading that doesn’t seem to matter?) makes me consider and lean more to the idea that he can shadow travel (honestly would love to make another post on Bryce Lawerence because no one cares about him but I really find him interesting). But if he can do the (implied shadow travel) and the very apparent necromancy he has the same skill set of Nico! Never mind the tiny little difference in the necromancy, they have the same power and the same level of that power. The difference is that one is a legacy, and one is a Demigod- but there doesn’t seem to be a power difference. Secondly Frank’s shapeshifting thing, I’ll be real and say I just think that’s a thing because like Poseidon gifted it? I think of it as the same way that like the Red panda gift from turning Red is going strong because it was a blessing or whatever. And Octavian, who is (said, for some reason Rick wanted to put in that maybe Octavian never had powers at all but that’s stupid and takes away what little things Octavian has) but he also, doesn’t seem to have a dip in powers? I don’t care much for seeing the Apollo kids but it seems that they all can have varied powers (fitting seeing as Apollo was a god of so many things) and Octavian’s skill doesn’t seem limited in any way (would’ve been great if we got more information on it because we have no idea how it works compared to say, the way we know how the Oracle stuff works) but all of this puts a clear image that from the legacies we know, there doesn’t seem to be a big difference in power. Which is odd, seeing as they don’t feel like they should.

Through HoO Rick really just like- stopped talking about legacies? I’m laughing as I’m writing this but know it’s a saddened laugh because like. Rachel refers to Octavian as Son of Apollo (Which could be argued she doesn’t know what a Legacy is but I feel like since her Oracle powers told her everything else it would’ve informed her of his proper title- or I guess not because the writing didn’t care at all about Octavian-) and I think Reyna mentions Bryce is a legacy though it’s not referenced any more. Bryce just brings up Orcus in some dialogue and that’s about it. If you’re going to bring up a new type of Demigod then why not explore them more? HoO doesn’t explore like anything but still, Frank never has thoughts about his Legacy stuff. We don’t even get any notes about Greek demigods not considering most of the Roman Legacies Demigods because they aren’t the direct Children of the Gods? It just like- Legacies kind of do nothing, there is nothing different about a legacy.

Mythology doesn’t even really distinguish the two? Like- again because I’ve read the Iliad and Odyssey it’s what I always think first. Hector mentions he is also related to Zeus- that there is a distinct thing about demigods like Sarpedon, Achilles, and Aeneas. But there never is something where it calls out, “Oh Hectors great-great-great grandpa is Zeus and that’s super different and crazy” but it’s just “Hectors related to Zeus y’know and he’s gonna kick your butt man >:[“ obviously this is a random point because those are ancient texts. But we have to remember that Pjo is founded off of these myths and the fact that Legacies are a part of these myths but distinctly different (literally everyone who is descended from Zeus which is literally everyone- not literally but like-) operate differently, they are essentially no different than their fully mortal companions other than they can sport a God ancestor and the most convoluted family tree.

Okay. Those are the points that I’ve made. All of those boil down into like “Rick did nothing to differentiate Legacies from Demigods other than slap a different name on them” and that’s a missed opportunity. It’d be like if something like Harry Potter went, “Here are wizards that are said to be different than other magic users but all that’s different are their titles!” That might be a thing I don’t know I don’t consume Harry Potter. But there was a ball and it was slammed into the ground (huh, almost like Rick did that with a lot of things related to Camp Jupiter and the Romans- also the Romans canonically have cars and I don’t like that). But I have some Head-canons about legacies for my re-imagining to hopefully make them, make more sense?

The longer a legacy line is, the more ‘diluted’ the power becomes. Like in the myths, after you hit a certain point most legacies will have incredibly weak powers. This adds to the powers post I made (shameless plug that you should read that one too because I’m proud of it.) and how the legacies affect the Romans view on powers. But this means that the farther you get down a family line the less and less powerful the power is. Say a child of Zeus has children and then like ten generations down the line the descendants could be more resistant to lightning, conduct it easier and attract it a little more, maybe jump a big higher but that’s about it. Example, Michael Kahale In my re-imagining comes from a super duper long line and his powers pretty much are, I look pretty, I’m a little more persuasive from remnants of charm-speak (and I want to buff up the Aphrodite cabin more because Rick really just didn’t care when it came to them)

This doesn’t include ‘gifts’ like Frank’s. I think by the will of the God that blessed the ancestor with it they keep the power strong. This goes the same way for curses, maybe. If the curse is not revered than it probably is passed onto your kid.

In common sense, the fresher the legacy the more potent the power. And sometimes there can be mutations that a child can end up with more potent powers, whether that be the wishes of the Godly ancestor or they just get miracle genes it could act as a soft re-boot to strengthen the powers. For examples; Bryce is a very new legacy, his dad is the direct child of Orcus and Bryce gets passed down all of the cool powers (also need a hc for his mother because she comes from a legacy line) or Octavian was just.. born with the more potent powers, I like to think Apollo noted him and took interest to strengthen his powers for some reason. (Note he also is a legacy of Venus but I haven’t worked out if that affects him and how, but the Venus part is much more downplayed)

Legacies who have mixed godly blood/ several different lines that have merged have a little from everything, their powers are weaker but if like for example a Child of Athena with a Hermes legacy might have a easier time stealing things, or be a little faster than their peers. But these end up very minimal because the direct child aspect overpowers it a lot (idk I don’t know hypothetical demigod genes and how they work so let’s just go with it) this is similar with legacies+legacies though the family will usually stick to one legacy title (sort of how last names are passed on, but a partner wouldn’t take up the legacy title of the family. But a child would) while the powers honestly could be all over the place

Okay that’s all I think right now, if I have anything else I’ll probably make a separate post but for me right now it is very nighttime and I need my sleep so I can crush my siblings in various unserious competition.

#idk how to tag this #pjo hoo toa #camp jupiter #hoo #hoo headcanon #really I just talk about Bryce #jk jk #legacies are so confusing #Nico is a legacy of Nike and maybe one day I’ll make a post about the one time I saw that hc and I adopted it #okay bye #hehe :3 #goodnight

29 notes · View notes

wen-kexing-apologist · 1 year

Text

Heart's Communication

Because I am never not thinking about Moonlight Chicken, I was thinking about Heart and his backstory around going deaf. From my understanding of Leng's conversation with Li Ming, Heart was not born deaf but went deaf after an illness a few years back. Which is making me wonder about Heart and his ability to vocalize.

To be clear before I continue, I am NOT saying I think Heart needs to or should vocalize only that I wonder if he can.

See, my grandmother went deaf at 12, and while she does have a deaf accent, it is very minimal, because she grew up being able to hear. But if you listen to her talk, she still does have a deaf accent. This is only a relevant statement because she speaks English which isn't tonal in the way that Thai is and I don't know if having even a small deaf accent with tonal languages would make it difficult to understand.

Why am I wondering if Heart can vocalize? And if he can if what he is saying could be understood without sign language to support it?

Because to me it changes how I view Heart. His parents don't sign, they might understand some of his signs, but they very clearly are using that same spiral notebook to talk to him, leaving him slips of paper on the fridge and have not once (in their granted minimal screen time) been shown to use any sign language. And yes, writing is functional, it'll work, it gets the job done, but it's slow and laborious. They very obviously do not know how to navigate having a deaf son, and are either ashamed at his deafness, thus hiding him away, or doing what many able-bodied people do to disabled people and infantilizing their son, not as much hiding him as keeping him in a cage for protection.

So... If Heart can speak and be understood, and he is intentionally withholding his voice then that paints a different picture to me of what Heart is doing/who he is as a character. If he is intentionally withholding his voice, then he is purposefully trying to force his parents to engage with him in the new context of his life. He is intentionally making it as difficult for them to understand him as they are making it difficult for him to understand them because they don't know sign language.

If he can't be understood when he speaks, then he has little to no control over his own connection to people. He can't try to force his parents hand here, he can't issue any test, he is just completely cut off from the hearing world at large. To me, if he can't be understood when he speaks and therefore lost his voice as well, he has less power over his parents, because he has nothing to fall back on if the isolation of not being able to communicate ever gets to be too much.

Either way he is facing the same reality. His parents do not care enough about him to adapt the same way he has had to.

And we know Heart uses people's ableism against them. He pretends not to understand what is happening when Jim and Li Ming are called in to talk about the alcohol in order to get out of trouble, but Li Ming calls him out on it and continues to call him out on it (re: the mop). If Heart can be understood when he speaks then, once again, it paints a different picture of what he is trying to do with Li Ming. If he is intentionally withholding his voice so that Li Ming will under-estimate him, will leave him alone, won't make him work, won't be able to get mad at him for framing Li Ming for the alcohol. Because, obviously, if he can't talk and he can't hear he didn't know what he was doing. But NO because Li Ming sees Heart trying to use his deafness and is like "write it down then" (I will come to your level) because he has (presumably) never met a deaf person and therefore has no knowledge of sign language, but he bridges the communication gap in the only way he knows how. If Heart knows that Li Ming has immediately caught on to the fact Heart plays up his helplessness to get what he wants, and Heart is intentionally withholding his voice then maybe he is testing Li Ming. Will this be someone who will stop treating him like he's fragile? Will this be someone who will try at all? And he does. And then it doesn't matter if he can be understood through speech, because he doesn't need to. He has his language and Li Ming has it too. It's not a life line, it's proof.

If he can't be understood through speech, then Li Ming showing interest in and working to actually learn sign language feels like more of a lifeline to me. It's allowing Heart to have and hold power he hasn't been able to have in years, because he can finally be understood. Because he is more easily able to speak his mind, to connect and relate to someone, to show and express his personality. No matter what, he won't be as isolated any more.

Either way the outcome is the same, he has found someone that cares enough about him to adapt the same way he has had to.

Either way it is a heart breaking realization that his own family won't put in the work, and a heart warming realization that to someone he is still worth putting in the work for.

Heart does not need to speak, he doesn't need to vocalize. I don't think we as an audience have a right to know whether or not he can speak, or what his voice would sound like if he did. Heart has language, and plenty of it. So I guess I wrote all of this this just because I want to speculate about Heart's motivations and to try to figure out how much agency Heart has over his own isolation.

167 notes · View notes

thescholarlystrumpet · 9 months

Text

I always say I don't do Meta but here I am stuck in my head over the Family Systems lens of viewing our beloved Ineffable Idiots.

Crowley, as the Black sheep (scapegoat) has done a lifetime+ (6000 odd years) of unpacking his identity and detaching from his toxic family of origin (Heaven and then the "found" family of Hell). He started to differentiate from Heaven first by reveling in the assigned role of the outcast - being Unforgivable. Because if you are told long enough that you are the Bad One, you will start to believe it, internalize it. But that is only a reactionary identity, not a whole one.

So In GO S1, we see Crowley recognizing his own growth away from even his assigned role. He doesn't identify with Hell anymore than he identifies with Heaven because they both want him to stay quietly and obediently in a box. Whereas all that time around humans, with all our complexities and gray areas, has (I think) helped him realize that boxes just don't work. Obviously his ability to be completely head over heels for Aziraphale has also played a part in this.

With Az, Crowley gets to be the Savior - a roleplay they both clearly enjoy. Crowley gets to be covertly "good" as is still part of his nature. But goodness does not define him and it's very important to him that this remain true. Being "good" is for Angels and the resentment toward Heaven is an unhealed wound. He also gets to roleplay "tempting" Az in a safe, controlled way - since we all know Az wants to be tempted anyway. Through their relationship, Crowley gets to be more fully himself than anywhere else.

Aziraphale reaps this benefit, as well, but he is far less aware of it (on the surface). Because Aziraphale was never cast out, he is still living with the comfortable level of denial regarding the toxicity of his Family of Origin (Heaven). Az still harbors hope that things can be changed for the better, that the people in charge (caretakers) are operating from a place of fundamental Good. Az is the adult who seems to function highly on the outside but is always falling apart within because they still feel that they *do* have to fit neatly into the "boxes" Crowley long ago eschewed.

Azriaphale is a ball of walking Anxiety and Perfectionism because he is still so enmeshed with the exalted expectations of his Family of Origin. He can only "rebel" in secret for the most part. Good Omens 1 is a major moment of growth for him - the first open act of rebellion against the Family. He is able to do so because Crowley has his back (like a supportive partner) and, I believe, at least in part because Gabriel has been such a bully that Az reaches a breaking point with it in that moment. I'm sure it helps that they get to save actual children from harm.

But one big moment of rebellion doesn't mean the cycles of a thousand lifetimes will be automatically broken. Az does well enough with being an outcast of Heaven when it means the bullying and expectations on him are finally relaxed but as we see by his responses to the Angelic visits all through S2, he hasn't truly severed his feeling of responsibility toward the Family (Heaven).

When a major Caretaker (Metatron) steps in to offer Az everything he has never hoped to dream, of course he can only see it as essential. He has never had to process a full break from the Family like Crowley so he truly cannot understand where Crowley is in his emotional journey. Az has basically just had his wounded inner child told that Mummy and Daddy not only wanted and loved him all along but that they now want to give him the respect he never got before.

And Az truly wants to believe this illusion because it fulfills every emotional wounds that was still open within him. Hence why he also lets himself believe that he can be the one who *does* make a difference in Heaven. He wants to genuinely believe that he can bring Crowley back into the Family - where they can both be blissfully loved and accepted. To Az, it's the opportunity to stop hiding and rebelling in secret. To be able to offer Crowley what Az sees as the dearest gift anyone could bestow: Redemption.

Crowley, having seen the two of them as being in far more similar places, emotionally, is blindsided by this. Crowley no longer sees Heaven's acceptance as a positive. He knows how cruel and unjust the Family can be - and has been to him for centuries. He cannot, for the life of him, understand why Az does NOT see it. And Az offering him a return to Heaven is salt in the wound of "you're not good enough as you are." Crowley feels that the only person who has ever felt safe in his existence is suddenly telling him that everything he has worked to be, the emotional mountain he has climbed to be *himself* is worth less than reverting back to the being he was *before* he did all the work.

What Az sees as opportunity for unity, for fulfilling the childish dreams of being "accepted" by their Family of Origin, Crowley sees as a fundamental rejection of himself.

Maybe all of this was obvious and I may have been off about a few things - haven't watched S1 one in about a year. But this was my overall impression and I needed to get it out of my system. Not beta'd or proofread.

Thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read all of this XD

54 notes · View notes

echoesofadream · 5 months

Text

is adhd medicine (concerta) supposed to make me feel like this

-all the ways which when it comes to function, I am more, and all the ways I am not I am less

- i do things super fast, everything is a hurry .I get things done but a most of them are bullshit like tumblr blogging or checking every internet chronic kpop fan fomo outlet there is .

-I cant do something that isnt top priority in the world because I cant relax enough to do that. its better to sit on the floor and be in prepared mode instead of reading or painting or anything like that

-i have never been on speed but I would assume it feels like this based of the name

-I feel like I can do anything! except read a single page of text of course. thats literally impossible

-everything is on fire I need to put the fire out. right now. first though. where is it

-cant do anything that doesnt give instant gratification (what I mean by adhd medicine induced adhd)

-did I mention that Im quick. and super active. wait the h in adhd stands for hyperactivity....this is wrong...I do this and this and this and this and this and STOP. IM STUCK:

-incredibly hard to move out of situation when im stuck in it. like i could be doing ANYTHING and im like. I cant stop. doing this. whatever it is. I cant move on. this is a familiar feeling that everyone has including me before medicine but now it's like. so much worse. you know the feeling when you cant get out of bed. or youre in the couch and too lazy to get ready for bed. this is like that but dream (nightmares when you cant move) level of lethargy. its like im sitting at the kitchen table. I just got home. but then it's been three hours. and Im still sitting there doing whatever im doing. it's like. so bad. im like. I need to shower. okay this has been sort of an obstacle for me sometimes. but now it's like. shower. I need to shower. hours pass. I havent showered. maybe I just wont shower today. this dysfunction is making me realize how functional I can be in some areas of daily life actually.

-^above would be good if I was working a busy job when things happened all at once. and I had to get things done and not get distracted. but im literally an unemployed uni dropout. im trying to increase my level of focus. im trying to learn how to be in the present and breathe and be less anxious. this medicine is doing the absolute opposite for me. I started this medication because I want to be able to study but how is this supposed to help be in any area in life except like working at the ER or if my job is just answering emails and that kind of thing. all I can do right now is make posts, talk during movies (never been a me thing im very serious about silence during film watching), have a stomach ache and too fast heartbeat, actually work on a novel instead of creating a document that I abandon after the first and only time I write on it, be anxious, eat hot chip and lie

Help??`????????

#adhd #what do I tag this for help #executive dysfunction #idk #adhd medication #adhd meds

29 notes · View notes