#asexual advice

[mackthecheese]

Do you have any advice for someone questioning and considering if they're asexual or like tips i have no idea what I'm doing

Oh dang am I a "queer elder" now? Giving advice? Gosh I can try.

The biggest thing to remember here is that asexuality is a spectrum. A gay 50-year-old man who enjoys sex but doesn't actively seek it out and an 18-year-old straight girl who pukes at the mere thought of having sex are both asexual. The only requirement for being asexual is a lack of or shortage of sexual attraction. If you feel like the people around you are a lot more interested in sex than you are, you're probably asexual.

In my experience, I always knew I wasn't into sex the way everyone around me was, even as early as middle school. I was uncomfortable when the conversation shifted to sex and what my friends picked up on their latest trip to the back of Spencer's. I smiled along and sat silently until the conversation naturally drifted onto something I was interested in, like the new Kirby game that was coming out that week. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I learned the term asexual and I knew immediately that it was one I identified with. Even now, years later, I know my initial instinct was right. I am happy and comfortable identifying as asexual and I highly doubt that will ever change for me.

If you think asexuality is a term that fits for you, you can call yourself asexual. The ace community is very welcoming and supportive of everyone on the spectrum. If you realize later on that you don't identify with the term asexual anymore, that's totally fine! Experimentation with different labels and identities is an extremely important part of finding who you really are. I wish you all the best in finding yourself! <333

#answering the important questions here #asexual #asexuality #asexual spectrum #acespec #aspec #asexual pride #asexual positivity #advice #asexual advice

[aspec-advice]

What do I say someone I'm supposed to be in a QPR with, who makes me feel like they only want sex from me?

I've only been seeing this person for three days, and they haven't even tried to engage with my interest or show an interest besides sex...

The first day, they seemed like they might have cared about more than that, and they said they understood what I meant by aceflux. They said a QPR sounded great, exactly what they were looking for.

But I'm starting to think they just took my saying "a relationship that is defined by the individuals" as "I didn't care what kind of relationship it is"...

New beginning to make me uncomfortable with their sexual advances, as I'm flexing to more and more sex repulsed orientations... am I just overreacting?

you are definitely not overreacting in any capacity. being wanted just for sex sucks, i've been there many times. i think the best thing you can do in this situation is explain to them that you're uncomfortable with how they're treating you. if you want to continue to be in a QPR with this person you can definitely tell them more explicitly what your boundaries are, but if you don't want to continue to be in a QPR that's also completely fine! just make sure you're comfortable and your boundaries are known!!

-mars

#asexual #asexual asks #asks #aromantic advice #asexual advice

[biandaceconfessions]

[feel free to delete if you don't accept NSFW posts!] I'm in my 20s and have variously identified as lesbian, ace, and most recently bi. I'm interested in a male friend I've known for years, but the "mechanics" are making me anxious--I've never had sex with a guy before. What if I hate it? I'm terrified of fundamentally altering our relationship and then going back and saying "oh, nvm, your junk doesn't work for me." (I know the answer is to communicate, but I'm dying just writing this...)

Hey there, nonnie!

Yes, you are absolutely right, you should communicate about this.

But it's perfectly fine that you're feeling anxious about having sex with a guy when you've never done it before. But, I think what's important to think about first is if you're only interested in him to try sex, or if you want to have a romantic relationship, too. Because if you want a romantic relationship then you'll have a different connection that isn't just reliant on one activity which you may or may not enjoy in the end.

If you do want a romantic relationship, too, then I think you can spend some time getting familiar with each other in that new space before you have to dive into things. I would hope it would also give you time to share your concerns and worries and that he'd be the kind of guy who would be open to listening and understanding boundaries so if it turns out it doesn't work for you, it's not going to break your relationship.

On the other hand, if it is just going to be a sexual relationship, it's also one where boundaries need to be put in place for both of you so it can be enjoyable or you know when to stop if it's not.

In either case, yes the bottom line is to talk to each other. And it might seem awkward, but that's just societal conditioning talking and the more you do it, the easier it's going to be.

<3 Mod Ace

#ace confessions #mod ace #asexual confessions #lgbtq confessions #asexual advice #asexual confessionas

[rocksandaces]

Repeat after me:

Labels are not rules

Labels are not promises

Labels are not fixed

Labels are not necassary

Labels were created to be helpful, if they are not, you can get rid of them and do what you want

#lgbtq #asexual #ace #queer #aroace #aromantic #label #micro labels #lgbt advice

[disbestyx]

Memes based on my own awkward Arospec life, who doesn't love that?

And I promise more of my fantastic wit will be coming to your screens very soon!

#aromantic #aro positivity #aromantism #arospec #aro culture is #aro memes #platonic #friends #advice #actually aro #aroace positivity #aroace #humor #genius #acesexual #ace pride #asexual #acespec

[rose-morose]

me as an aroace with no experience when my friends start talking about their relationship problems:

me after they're finished:

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #hazbin hotel charlie #hazbin hotel rosie #romance advice #relationship advice #asexual #aromantic #aroace #queer #lgbtq

[cheesemenace]

Does anyone have any advice for finding/getting into a queer-platonic relationship? Or just any advice related to the subject?

#ace #aro #asexual #aromantic #acespec #aroflux #queer platonic relationship #qpr #qpr advice #queer platonic partner #queer platonic advice #queer platonic relationship advice #advice #aroace #arospec

[our-aroace-experience]

being aroacespec and in a relationship is fucking weird. my partner tells me how they’re feeling all these new exciting emotions about me and my thoughts are “wow. you should get that checked out, sounds painful”. (sometimes i also feel similar things but it’s rather rare for me. gotta say it does feel nice but i can’t imagine someone feeling that on my behalf) im playing a two-player among us match as a relationship impostor.

they know “my deal”, they know im difficult. they’re still here and yet i feel like im not pulling my weight, im not in it enough - just on an emotional level even.

i do love them, we are compatible (if we aren’t in some areas it’s uncharted territory yet), we have similar outlooks and goals for life. it’s all new and exciting for me personally as it is my first real relationship. im Very selective, i turned down many a person (sometimes for reasons of “they will not understand my aroacespec thing”), but this one is really special; even other people saw that when we first met. i can see us partnered & living together (we’re long distance currently) but i keep coming back to my doubts that im a fraud and dragging them along/leading them on since im not as romance or sex oriented as people usually are. boo hoo hoo womp womp womp

i keep coming back to thinking i should tell them to leave to save them the frustration of dealing with my difficulties later on. is it worth it? is me dumping them like that worse than them leaving me later when i can’t deliver the allo experience? (i don’t want to dump them but sometimes i feel like i have to??? idk why i think that)

if they know that you’re aspec and are fully aware that your relationship will be different than a typical allo one, there’s no reason to worry! they wouldn’t be in the relationship if they didn’t want to be, and from the sound of it, they’re very happy! i understand that it can be scary to think you aren’t living up to their expectations, but try and enjoy the relationship you have! easier said than done, but try not to worry about the future, and whether they’ll leave. that can happen in any relationship, aspec or not, and you’ll miss out on the great relationship you have now. best wishes to you and your partner!

#our aroace experience #aroace asks #aromantic #asexual #aro #aroace #ace #aro pride #ace pride #advice #questions

[ahungeringknife]

Let's talk about Aspec characters and relationships!

I'm aroace. I write a lot of characters who are aspec in some way. I have a lot of aspec friends. And this is why your aspec character is driving me crazy. There's also sex talk in here so if you're not mature enough to handle it please scroll past.

Edit: Allos also should reblog this if you found it helpful.

First lets get some terms right:

Aromantic (aro) and Asexual (ace) are two distinct things. Aroace means you're both aromantic and asexual at the same time. It is generally referred to as 'aspec' (aro/ace spectrum) when you fall on one or both spectrums. If you are not aspec you are allosexual/alloromantic (allo). It just means someone who isn't ace or aro. You can also be aroallo or aceallo (aromantic allosexual, asexual alloromantic). All these terms are neutral and not used in derogatory ways similar to trans/cis. It's a descriptive word not a put down.

Now about those characters and their relationships. Because that is the most :))))) to me as an aroace is when people just don't know how to handle an aspec character. Usually because they're allo. But that's okay you probably don't know and we're all here to learn from each other. Here's some things to consider when you want to make or write an aspec person.

Ace's do sometimes have sex. They just aren't motivated by sex. That's it.

Along with sex your ace character may also masturbate and feel good being touched. They also might only like touching themselves and hate when other people do it. They usually also know when someone is hot/sexy and will comment on it. Finding someone sexy =/= we want to fuck them. Thinking someone is hot =/= we want to fuck them. We're still human. We know what a hot human looks like. Your ace character might be attracted to someone's appearance aesthetically but have no interest in their bits. Your ace character might fall in love with the most beautiful person in your story and never show any interest of wanting to bed them.

They can have boyfriends/girlfriends/romantic partners they do or don't have sex with. But they can be anywhere on the spectrum of sex repulsive, to sex positive, to absolute sex hound. Some of the horniest people you know are probably ace. Some of the horniest people I know are ace, and I have a lot of ace friends.

And we're not all virgins. Some ace's had sex and realized 'nah fam. Didn't do it for me' and never did it again. Others are virgins and have no intention ever of having sex. Others are virgins but don't care either way? It just hasn't happened. Others enjoy sex with their partners. Some are parents! You can be ace and had enough sex to procreate. Some also think sex is icky or it squicks them out. Some might be squicked out at the thought of sex with another person but they're fine looking at porn or doing it themselves. There is a wide range of what asexuals are into just like allos.

Aros also sometimes do the sex. They are not motivated by romance. That's it.

That being said your aro character can have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and it can be 'romantic'. It doesn't have to be a queer platonic relationship. Your aro character also might not want to be in a relationship at all. It is not weird for your aro character to call their partner their partner or bf/gf or if they're married their husband/wife.

Aro people do not get butterflies. They don't really get flustered around people they like. There's no spark. And they don't feel that romantic attraction allos do when they meet someone and fall in love with them. I've found that aro people are also terrible at flirting or picking up flirting cues. At least in my own personal experience when it took my aro ass 3 years to realize some girl was flirting with me and I just thought she was being nice to me. Take the 'useless lesbian' trope and take it to 11. We just don't know. Aro people also know when other people are hot. Just like aces just because we're aro doesn't mean we don't know a baddy when we see one. We just probably won't realize said baddy is flirting with us...

Aro character still love. They love their family, they love their friends, they love their partners. And it's all real love. The love is still there. Aro characters also probably know what they should do to mimic being in love. Even if we don't love someone more than platonically they may still do the things romantic partners do with their partner. Some don't! And that's fine too. Sometimes you're boyfriends and you share the same bed with him, and sometimes your girlfriend is just your roommate. Both are totally valid aro relationships. Maybe your character kisses their partner passionately and they like it, or they might only kiss during sex, or they might not kiss on the mouth. All valid and correct, still no romo. Kissing =/= romance for aros. Sex =/=romance for aros.

Aroace characters do all those things! At once! They can do the sex, and the boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and loving their friends. They just are not motivated by sex or romance. Kissing =/= sexual attraction. Sex =/= romantic love.

Being aspec is looking at the most beautiful and delicious cake in the world and going 'neat, cake' and walking away not even wondering what it tastes like, not even for a second considering having a bite. It's a cake. Neat. You are not motivated by cake. You don't even really care about cake. It's nice that other people fucking loooooooove cake but it's just not for you.

We also know what love is supposed to be like, what a 'healthy sexual' relationship should feel like. It's everywhere. All around us. Constantly. It's also sometimes fucking exhausting! It's why some aspec people can be a bit agro. We get it you're in love/got a new partner/are sleeping with someone/really sexually attracted to this person/keep spamming us with your celeb thirst pics/etc. It does get tiring sometimes. We don't care about the cake and sometimes listening to you talk about the cake drives us crazy. Consider that too when writing aspec characters. Sometimes their friends and their cakes are annoying no matter how much they love them platonically or romantically.

Anyway just some things to consider for your aspec OCs from an older aroace. Should be said aspec is a wide spectrum and I'm drawing on my own experience as an aroace with aspec friends, and my writing of those characters. If you have more questions about writing characters on this spectrum feel free to ask!

#writeblr #writblr #writing advice #character advice #asexual #aromantic #aroace #aspec character #writing tips #writing #character tips #writing help #character help #writers on tumblr

[kedreeva]

as someone who is ace and entering college years, how has your dating life been as an ace? what other struggles have there been that you have advice for? i dont know any aces or similar around me older or otherwise. thank you for your time and i hope you have an easy day!

Okay this will get a little long so I'll put it behind a cut

Honestly I'm probably not the best person to ask, since I never really...struggled? Not specifically with asexuality or with anything related to it. I can tell you my experiences, though, and you can decide if there's anything worthwhile to take away from it!

I grew up in a house run by science and math. I knew the prefix a- meant without/not and I knew there was heterosexual and bisexual and homosexual, so when young and, importantly, before really ever interacting with other queer folk, I went Ah ha, these are (prefix)(sexual) and so therefore I am asexual (without sexuality), and that was that. That was literally all the thought I gave to it. People had crushes on other people, I didn't have crushes on people, end of story. If, for some reason, I developed a crush on someone, I would deal with it then.

Maybeeeee midway through HS, a very good friend of mine asked me about it, and I said well, some people like everyone the same, and I dislike everyone the same. And she said well, then it sounds like you like everyone the same, that amount is just zero, so that seems like bisexual? (she didn't know the term asexual was an actual sexuality term either at that point, just the biological term for reproduction and, well, I could reproduce theoretically so couldn't be that) And I said well, alright then, and called myself bisexual for the next 6 or 7 years. THEN I found out asexuality is a sexuality not just a mode of reproduction and I said Ah Ha, I was Correct, and that was that again.

So I guess if I was offering advice it would be... you know you. Don't let someone else tell you about you if you think they're wrong. Make up a word if there isn't one. Use a new word if you find one that already exists and fits.

Also, that it's fine to not worry about it. Literally it's fine to just never think about it if you have better things to do. I think a lot of people get really wrapped up in finding the right label and/or "what happens if-" when like... you're not a canned good. You don't need a label. Worry about what-ifs when they come up, don't borrow anxiety if you can help it.

I dated a few people in HS, like... three people I think, and one Almost. One predatory mistake I thankfully recognized (HEY because I had older folks online I could talk to about it!) and got out of quickly, and one hot mess relationship that was a LOT of fun- my boyfriend, Sark, and then his ex-girlfriend, and then I stepped out so they could get back together, and then they said wait no, and invited me back in, and that went on for most of the end of HS, and nearly into college, when I stepped out again (and peacefully, I am still friends with both of them and I married Sark in the end). There was one guy whom I was always, perpetually, extremely fond of, and we hung out a lot, kissed once, and I think we would have had a lot of fun dating, but ultimately it was a near miss that became a fond memory, because we were never in the right place together. Sometimes life does that, and that's okay, too.

In college, I simply didn't date anyone. I had better things to do. I met my best friend, @idkfandomwhatever, online that year (and still talk to her almost daily, sometimes for hours, despite that we are on opposite sides of the world!!), and in person @mishapeep who was the best roomie I ever had (hi!!!!! i love you!!!). I had great friends, I went on a TON of adventures, worked a cool job where I had awesome coworkers, and just all around had a blast learning stuff and napping in sunbeams or on couches at the food court. A couple of guys made passes, and I turned them down because I just wasn't into it, and we remained friends. There was one coworker at my dispatch job that I got along with like a house on fire, and everyone ELSE thought we should be dating, but neither of us ever brought it up- I can't say why he didn't for sure, but I know I never brought it up because I was 85% sure he didn't swing for the right team to date me, which I ALSO never brought up until he found me on facebook years later to tell me about his husband running for local election somewhere. so. again, don't let anyone else tell you what to do lol there was ALSO another guy that I had NO interest in that spent a lot of time around me, but we mostly sat in my bunk watching Queer as Folk, which I KNOW was his first exposure to queer material. I never talked about queer stuff with him otherwise, but I heard from a mutual friend of ours that he's also happily married to his husband. Sometimes just being yourself, openly and without shame about it, does more than you think, even if it's not doing anything directly for you (but it is, it's good for you too).

SINCE college ended, I dated one guy I met through an online game and that was great in person briefly, but ultimately didn't work out because he couldn't be a nice person, another guy I met through the same online game and that didn't work out at ALL in person, and then I started hanging out with Sark and co again. I was on the phone with him driving somewhere, and I said something to the effect of someday you're gonna find a gf and she's not gonna want you to keep going on adventures with your ex, and we won't be able to talk anymore and I had a real recordscratch moment where I realized absolutely NOT on MY watch, I wanted that boy in my life forever actually, and we've been married now for... this is year 8.

I may have landed in a soft place, but I didn't seek it out. I just lived my life and didn't worry about my sexuality or about who I was or wasn't gonna date. When I DID date, I was up front about what I wanted from any of those relationships and part of the problem with the relationships that didn't work out was sometimes that I did not KNOW what I wanted, yet. But, it was IMPORTANT I think, that I gave the chances I did, because I did learn about myself and what I wanted. That's probably the hardest fucking thing to learn, that relationships sometimes happen not because they're likely to be permanent, but because it may be fun or be a way to learn what you do or don't want. Maybe alongside of that, the lesson that it's okay to go "hm, actually this is Not For Me" and exit peacefully whenever possible. But it's okay to give temporary things a shot and see how it goes, even knowing up front it may be temporary (honestly maybe that even takes some of the stress of it off? if you don't have to worry about it being forever, and you don't have to worry about "what if I never experience other things," and you don't worry so much about messing it up so it feels easier to take chances saying and doing stuff you might otherwise consider too risky to ask for etc).

I'm aware I'm lucky that things went pretty smoothly for my entire life so far, insofar as dating or sexuality is concerned. Part of that was definitely because even the worst of the people I dated weren't really all that bad of people. A lot of it was that I just didn't date if I didn't want to. I didn't care about sex, so I didn't have sex for the first time until a few years after college, and only one guy ever pushed the issue at all (the guy in HS I immediately dropped all contact with).

The thing is... I dated or nearly dated like ten people, flirted with countless others (because it's FUN), and the only one I still have regular contact with (not just occasional friendly hellos) is the one I kept at the end.

But the friends I made in college? I kept a lot of those. I still talk to several of my college friends on a regular basis. I have made other friends since, some of whom I talk to every day, some of whom have become irregular contacts I am still fond of. But those bonds are important and the ones you make with your friends from here out do have the potential to span at least huge chunks of your life, if not the entirety of it. If you only take away one thing from this little novel...take that knowledge.

also this has nothing to do with asexuality but for pete's sake find SOME kind of hobby club to be a part of, or make one if there isn't one, follow your stupidest instincts for adventure on occasion (like playing freeze tag frisbee in a lightning storm on the PAC lawn at 11pm until the campus cops show up to make you go home), and take at least one "fuck it this sounds fun" class. Mine was archery at 7am, the only early-morning class I ever took. Worth it, we were all TERRIBLE but god it was awesome.

Good luck out there!

#you are always welcome to come talk if you need to #asks or chats or whatever #I will not always have answers or advice but I can listen #asexuality #asks #stories about ked's life #I'm leaving this rebloggable because I KNOW there are older aces following me #and y'all have got stories to tell too if you want to speak up

[nerdygaymormon]

#asexuality #ace dad advice

[killedthedreamerdream]

I've been officially diagnosed with autism 3 weeks ago. I had been on a waiting list for 2 years and I am now diagnosed at 18 y/o. The problem is that now, even more than before, I doubt myself. What if I'm not really autistic. It's weird I feel like when I was a kid it was easier for me so since right now it's really difficult to manage autistic traits, I feel like I'm faking them. Also I realized that I never really had an autistic meltdown. Maybe I'm not sure what it is but when I'm hearing other people talking about meltdowns I can't help but feel like it's not something I experience... I'm struggling a lot and I feel horrible about myself.

#advices late diagnosed autistic #aromantic #aroace #asexual #autism #late diagnose autistic #autistic girl #imposter syndrome #autism assessment #autistic spectrum

[realthoughtsreal]

Aceness

Um guys. Fellow aroaces.

How the fuck do you find people to date?

Seriously, what f secret am I missing here?

I want love so badly.

#loveless aro #aroace #arospec #ace spec #acespec #asexualidad #asexual issues #asexuality #asexual #aromantic #ace pride #acearo #queer #pride #dating #dating advice

[biandaceconfessions]

My parents thought I made out with someone at a party (at which all I did was play cards and board games), and I didn't try to deny it. It made me so angry, because I knew they wouldn't believe me if I said I have never even wanted to kiss anyone. It felt like I failed at standing up for myself.

Sometimes it can be hard to stand up for yourself with these kinds of things. Especially if you haven't had those types of conversations before, or you have and you just don't have the energy to deal with it.

And standing up for yourself also takes a lot of courage and bravery. If you don't know how someone is going to react, you could risk having a painful discussion or being constantly shut down and invalidated.

I think what's more important is you knowing who you are and holding on to and cherishing that over what anyone else might say. You should always do what's best for you whether that means speaking up or staying silent. If this was definitely a case where speaking up would've been better, you can learn from that and use it to approach future conversations when it might come up again.

<3 Mod Ace

#asexual advice #ace confessions #mod ace #asexual confessions

[hellyeahscarleteen]

When it comes to any sort of descriptive word or label for one's sexuality, here's something I think people forget sometimes: these terms exist to make our lives easier. They can help us affirm our identities, find a community of similar people, or just say "Hey, I'm here!" to the world. If you feel, at any time, that asexuality or aromanticism fit you, or that you feel better, in some way, as part of those communities, those labels are there for you. They exist to provide space and comfort, only as long as you feel like they fit you. However, if you don't feel a connection to those labels, if they don't quite fit right, if the question of attraction feels on a gut level to be more of a hasn't-happened-yet situation than a never-gonna-happen one, you don't have to call yourself anything that doesn't feel like a label you want to adopt. There's never a point where a judge bangs their gavel and announces, "Sorry, you haven't felt sexually attracted to someone by now so I pronounce you Officially Asexual." You get to make that decision for yourself. No one else can make it for you, and it's not something you have to take on if it doesn't feel right.

Mo, Should I consider myself ace/aro, or keep holding out for attraction?

#ace #asexual #aro #aromantic #advice #identity #lgbtq+

[thatineffablewitch]

Reminder that I need to hear so hopefully other aros benefit too:

You can be aro and still enjoy consuming romantic content. You can be aromantic and still get immense joy from shipping characters. You can be aromatic and maybe want a relationship with romantic elements one day, or unsure exactly what you want, with no deep desire to date and figure it out immediately. It is a spectrum of little to no romantic attraction, and we are valid regardless of where we fall on that spectrum. You are not fake or a poser, you are just a human being using language to better understand and describe your experience. If aromantic is a term that resonates for you, that’s enough. You are valid.

#Read Ace Dad Advice’s new book I Am Ace today #Particularly the chapter on micro aggressions and dating while asexual #Even though it’s a book on asexuality #I realized a lot of the micro aggressions are the same #And they’re words I’ve been telling myself about being aro #“It’s just a phase” #“You’ll meet the right person” #“Maybe it’s just trauma” #Maybe I’ve been valid all along and every doubt I’ve repeatedly told myself is just my own internalized arophobia making me feel like shit #No more #fuck that #i am valid #aromantics are valid #I love being aromantic #And I love myself #Suck on that arophobia #aromantic #aromanticism #arospec #aro #aroace #aroace community #aromantic positivity #aromantic pride #aromantic spectrum #aromantic asexual #aspec #arophobia #Arophobia can piss right off #my post