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baldurs-gape · 28 days

Note

Just want to say I love your work and I’m so excited for the next chapter of shores. You always have me hooked into whatever you are writing :”)

Nonnie, you are a hero in kindness. Please know I love you for being so kind to take the time and effort to come over from AO3 find this blog and leave this ask. Currently I'm writing chapter 13 of Shores and it will likely be 14 chapters long, maybe 15 if I get carried away (we don't mention that it was meant to be a 2k one-shot). But I babble. What I'm trying to say is thank you! You're a gem and have brought me so much joy with this ask. Please have some lighthearted silliness as a token of gratitude. Though if you'd prefer something darker and more gritty, drop me an ask and I'll gladly write that for you too (an ask is basically my excuse to write for someone whether it's a prompt or not).

The Bird, the Bear, and the Bastard

Some days at camp were straight up boring, there was no denying it. There was only so much that could be done in terms of reading, idly tidying around camp and sorting through their packs. Talking was all well and good but even that ran its course when people hit their limits of what they were willing to hare about themselves. Alas, sitting in silence was nice to a point but quickly lost its appeal.

"I'm bored," Astarion sighed for the third time in as many minutes. "You sure we can't take potions of flight and wrestle in the clouds?"

"First, you know that's not how it works. Second, that's such a waste of potions. We might need those later on." Tired of this argument, Gale didn't even bother looking up from his book. "I did offer to teach you a cantrip instead."

"You offend me by suggesting I need a cantrip to get my way. No, I don't want to waste time learning a silly little cantrip for something that already comes naturally to me." After a pause, he sighed wistfully. "I want to fly. And land with the grace of a butterfly rather than a speeding goose."

Book slamming shut, Gale stood up. The furstration in his movements was somewhat dampened by his knees creaking and protesting the sudden change of position.

"Right. Get your bedroll collection. All of it. Pillows, bags, anything soft and pile it overthere." He pointed to the clearest part of camp. When Astarion didn't move, he glared. "Now!"

It was a commanding voice that Astarion had only ever him use when casting and suddenly he perked up, doing as told. Whatever it was that Gale had planned, it was better than doing nothing all day. Within minutes his hoard of comforts was piled up and Gale added his own meagre collection to it. All in all, it looked like a giant bed, big enough for the whole camp to enjoy an orgy on if they wanted. Stepping on it and bouncing a little, Gale nodded to himself.

"Come along, we'll start small." Curiosity won out and Astarion followed only half a dozen steps away. Looking between him and the pile, Gale nodded again. "The landing should be soft, even if you don't land upright. I'll use a very gentle gust of wind to push you. Ready?"

No questions about whether Astarion wanted to do this or if he had any opinions about the matter. As if he would have refused, this sounded like fun.

"Do your worst."

The gust of wind hit Astarion, drove breath from his lungs as it picked him up and threw him back, landing on the soft spread of pillows and bed rolls with a thump. When he could draw a breath again, he laughed and stared up at the sky.

"Again!"

Dutifully, Gale waited until he was back in position and, at his nod, another gust of wind lifted him off the ground before the landing drew a little "oof". Grinning wide, Astarion scrambled to get back into position to go again.

As they repeated the game, things progressed. The distance from the pile got larger, the gusts of wind stronger. Astarion began scoring Gale's accuracy for throwing him into the middle of the pile while his own landings were graded in turn by Gale. They were in the middle of climbing a tree to add an element of height to their game when some of the others returned to camp from their own adventures.

"The little ones used to love being thrown about," Halsin said warmly. "So did I, until I got too big."

Wistful and a little sad, those were the emotions the others could hear in his little lament. It had Gale and Astarion exchanging looks and grinning.

"I'll grab a scroll," Astarion said and hopped out of the tree with feline grace. For once, Gale didn't argue about wasting valuable camp resources so frivolously.

While Astarion jogged to get it, he approached Halsin. "You know, nobody is ever too big or small, it's all in the skill of the one doing the throwing. I'll have you know, I'm very skilled."

"Little mage, you're welcome to try but don't be disheartened when it doesn't work."

All the same, Halsin let Gale position him some way from the pile as Astarion appeared with a scroll in hand. They waited until Gale had tidied up the pile, made sure it was safe for a heavier landing. When he nodded, Astarion lifted the scroll in preparation.

The gust of wind was strong, much stronger than expected and Halsin let out a whoop of a shout as he soared through the air and crashed into the pile of bedrolls. Mage hands supported his head and Gale stood at the side, hand still out from here he'd cast it. Standing up on legs which trembled from excitement, Halsin beamed wide.

"I think I know what scrolls I'll be on the lookout for from now on."

Sidling up to them, Astarion was biting his lip to hold back a smile. "I'll keep you in steady supply, don't worry. Now, want to see what else Gale can do with those mage hands?"

Eyes darkening, Halsin looked between the two and hummed. "It would be my honour."

#oakbloodweave #astarion/gale/halsin #astarion x gale x halsin #bloodweave #astarion x gale #astarion/gale #astarion #bg3 astarion #gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios #halsin #bg3 halsin #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

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oh-three · 6 months

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Loki S2E6:

LOOK AT THE EPISODE NAME. SOMETHING'S GOING DOWN TODAY. (Also, this is the same name of S1E1).

Holy shit, it's an hour long.

The Marvel Studios logo is going backwards in time 👀

Time to watch Victor die again.

The first of many times.

Rip.

TIME LOOP!

Miss Minutes 🤣

Oh, well, that one was gruesome. Nice close-up of poor Victor's skull.

Loki: speedrunning the plan Sylvie: 🤨

He's actually gonna make OB teach him everything to make the next loops faster.

WAIT, REALLY. I did not expect the "centuries later" timecard, omg.

"Do not set the Multiplier down, or it will roll off the gangway." I wonder how many times that happened.

MOBIUS JUST CURSED 👀

There's the microphone shot.

HE'S ACTUALLY DOING IT. COME ON, VICTOR, YOU CAN DO THIS.

Suit integrity's failing....

HE DID IT.

Victor ain't gonna make it. I have never been so glad to be wrong.

It feels too good to be true. Something's gonna happen.

"The Loom is overloading again." Noooooooooooo 😭

"You can't scale for infinite. It's like trying to divide by zero." He's not even wrong. Damn, they were so close.

"It's almost as if as soon as the timelines started branching, this was doomed to happen." Yeah, and who helped create that problem, hmm?

YEAH, OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE. BACK TO THE BEGINNING. HELLO, S1 FINALE.

Do it right this time, Loki.

Now he has to fight Sylvie a few dozen times, brilliant.

My heart is breaking all over again.

"If you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me." DUDE, IF IT ACTUALLY COMES DOWN TO THAT, I WILL LOSE MY MIND.

"So, how many times have you been at this?" Lmaooo, He Who Remains might be a time tyrant, but he is hilarious af. And scarily smart.

Oh. He froze time. Neat.

A COUPLE THOUSAND? This man is having way too much fun. Leave Loki alone.

He would totally mock his variant, oof. Be nice to Victor.

I can't decide if he's encouraging Loki or trying to keep him from stopping the Loom's overloading. Or if he just hates Sylvie that much.

OH, HELLO, S1E1.

Loki realizing that past Mobius doesn't know the Timekeepers were fake 😂

He's pretty much just telling him to kill Sylvie, omg. But also, that eight-year-old story is heartbreaking. Holy fuck, it was Renslayer.

"You just choose your burden." Ouch.

'Goodbyes' plays/Mobius spagettifies NO. I WISH I DIDN'T MEMORIZE THE NAME OF THIS TRACK FROM THE S1 ALBUM. Thank god for the timeslipping.

"I'm not giving you my blessing, if that's what you're waiting for." We'd never want you to, Sylvie. We'd never want you to. That might make it hurt even more.

Alright, Loki, what's the plan. Are we killing Sylvie and breaking everyone's hearts, or are we just letting them go back to the timelines as who they were meant to be?

Whoa, this guy's going out there himself. Without gear.

"I know what kind of god I need to be...for you. For all of us." 😭

Ooooh, now that's an iconic look. Definitely looks more like it's from the comics, that's for sure.

Oh, shit, there goes the fucking Loom. Is that undoable?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Loki, the God of Stories.

Also, I can't not mention the music. It's beautiful.

Well, there's one way to get back to the end of time.

HIS CAPE IS MADE OUT OF TIMELINES. HOLY SHIT.

sits down in the pristine golden throne in a crumbling castle

YGGDRASIL.

Oh god, they brought Miss Minutes back.

And, yay, OB's out of the shadows at last!

Oooh, Quantumania Kang reference.

"You're leaving." I don't know if I should be happy for him or fucking devastated. Mobius, don't go 😭 (all the same, he's earned it. and he's got good reason).

B-15 literally is the perfect person to run the TVA, though. They've got that right.

New TVA guidebooks 👀

A Victor Timely that got to live out life as he was meant to. ❤

Ravonna in the Void (good riddance)

GET HER, ALIOTH.

Mobius watching Don and his sons 😭

Oh, what's up, Sylvie

"It's the best house on the block." He's totally biased. But he should be allowed to be.

I love how supportive Sylvie is of him going back. She shouldn't have criticized him for it, but she's damn proud of him for having the courage to actually do it.

Is Loki just. Going to sit on that throne for all of eternity? That is so depressing. He sacrificed his life in a completely different way- he didn't die for the timelines, he decided to live for them, to literally be the one thing that lets them all flow. He really is the God of Stories.

Something tells me there won't be a season three..

#rip d-90 #guess he really is gone #unless he somehow evades alioth #i hope it eats ravonna #loki spoilers #loki series #mcu #I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW

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iloveabunchofgames · 1 year

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2/19/23 - Week In Review

#JakeReviewsItch Week In Review Archives

This week's reviews:

🧡🧡🧡🤍🤍 A Wish Upon a Star 🧡🧡🤍🤍🤍 Abomination Tower 🧡🧡🧡🧡🤍 About Love, Hate & the other ones 🧡🤍🤍🤍🤍 Above: The Fallen 🧡🧡🤍🤍🤍 Absolute Blue 🧡🤍🤍🤍🤍 ACIDTRIP 🧡🧡🤍🤍🤍 adjacency

This week, we're praising puzzles and spreading Game Boy fever.

Game of the Week

The competition is tough, but I think this just might be the worst week to date. Which game is the best amongst this crowd of stinkers? What could it possibly be? Can you feel the suspense?

Surprise! It's the one that got a positive rating.

About Love, Hate & the other ones won't wow you. It isn't flashy. It isn't wholly original. Days later, I'm not thinking back on the ingenious puzzle that made me reevaluate everything I thought I knew.

It's just a solid set of brain-teasers. Do you like using a simple set of tools to solve problems? Great, here's a whole bunch of that.

While that was the only game that clicked with me this week, I do want to direct your attention to adjacency. It's a puzzle game that does everything right, and I hate it. I also hate the Rubik's Cube, and that's one of the most popular puzzles in existence. Rubik did nothing wrong; his cube just isn't right for me. If that's your kind of puzzle, maybe adjacency is, too.

No Sleep till Hyrule

I have too many games. It's the reason I committed to reviewing a new game every day.

Outside of this project, though, I've been overcome with choice paralysis. I'll put 15 minutes, 30 minutes, maybe an hour into a game before bouncing to something else. I can't settle on anything I want to play at length. Most of the time I set aside for playing games is instead spent hemming and hawing over what to play, only to change my mind as soon as I begin. And now the cycle's been broken, not by something exciting and new, but by a game I've already beaten half a dozen times.

Since the announcement that Game Boy games were getting added to Nintendo Switch Online, I haven't exactly surprised by how many people I've heard confidently proclaim that everything on Game Boy is primitive, dated, and not worth playing, but I am disappointed. Handhelds have never been respected by the taste makers. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening was built for a machine that used "withered technology" upon its conception in the late '80s. Tightly constricted power consumption, a cheap processor, and a dot-matrix screen that could only display four mono-chromatic values. To hear the same people who call A Link to the Past a timeless classic assume Link's Awakening was a step backward just because it wasn't working with as many bits is... It's embarrassing. You're embarrassing yourself.

Link's Awakening is arguably the first modern Zelda; the bridge between A Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time. Puzzles have always been a part of the series essence, but they took a backseat to action and exploration in the early games. Link's Awakening shifts the balance. Combat feels just like it did on Super Nintendo, and the return of the first game's tight, flip-screen environments help keep exploration on track. All the fundamentals have been retained, but now the dungeons have been reinvented as puzzle boxes, each an escalating series of interconnected challenges revolving around some new mechanic. Every Zelda dungeon since 1993 has been following this blueprint.

It's also super quirky. It was made by an unofficial "Afterschool Club" at Nintendo, working after hours just because they thought it would be fun to hang out and mess around with the Game Boy. They filled the game with characters from Mario, Kirby, the Super Nintendo version of SimCity, and The Frog for Whom the Bell Tolls, just for fun. Link can turn to a life of crime. Their biggest inspiration was Twin Peaks. It's a laissez-faire game by ultra-talented freaks, with the backing of the then-biggest publisher in the world. There are a few things that were annoying when Link's Awakening was new, and they haven't improved with age. Collecting an acorn really doesn't need to pause the game for several seconds of slowly scrolling text. The Game Boy's two action buttons means a lot of tedious trips to the menu to swap items. They're such small problems though, and if you really can't handle minor inconveniences or 8-bit sprites, great news—Grezzo faithfully remade the game, and they gave it the cutest art style you'll ever see.

PORTABLE POWER!

Link's Awakening is my obsession of the month, but it's hardly the only game worth playing in the NSO Game Boy and Game Boy Advance lineup. Let's run through a few, rapid fire.

Alone In the Dark: The New Nightmare: A bizarre, ill-advised port of a pretty forgettable console/PC survival-horror game that's better than it has any right to be.

Game & Watch Gallery 3: I haven't spent much time with #3, but Game & Watch Gallery is possibly the secret-best series to play on a handheld.

Kirby's Dream Land: A pretty rough prototype, honestly.

Metroid II: Return of Samus: The Metroid series hadn't found its footing yet.

Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins: One of Mario's worst platformers, but still a must-play for the hot tunes and the Link's Awakening-esque unsupervised weirdness.

Tetris: Not the best version of Tetris, but not far from it.

Wario Land 3: Use the rewind feature to cheat your way through the frequent annoyances, and you'll discover one of the most inventive, most underappreciated games in history.

Kuru Kuru Kururin: I never expected this to get released in these United States, and I am so glad it finally did.

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap: As with the other Flagship-developed Zelda games, this one is decent but underwhelming.

Mario & Luigi: Super Star Saga: I played several hours of this on Wii U and didn't care for it, but I'm giving it another chance.

Mario Kart: Super Circuit: Hot take: Mario Kart wasn't good until 8.

Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3: For the main game, I prefer the original NES version (also included with NSO), but you have to try the e-Reader levels.

WarioWare, inc.: Mega Microgame$!: Still the best WarioWare, and another contender for best handheld game.

#JakeReviewsTwitch is a series of daily game reviews. You can learn more here. You can also browse past reviews…

• By name • By rating • By genre

#JakeReviewsItch #Week In Review #About Love Hate & the other ones #The Legend of Zelda #Link's Awakening #Nintendo Switch Online #Game Boy #Game Boy Advance

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cantteachanoldguardnewquotes · 2 years

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Febuwhump Day 15 Hidden Scars

They had been riding for hours. Yusaf kept looking over at Niccoló to be sure he hadn't fallen off his horse he was so exhausted, but they didn't dare stop, not yet. They kept going well into the the night until they saw the faintest hint of the sun beginning to rise.

"We should make camp and sleep." Yusaf said.

Niccoló only grunted.

Yusaf found a place near a stream, it was quiet and well secluded.

"Here let me help you." He said helping Niccoló off his horse before he fell.

Niccoló let Yusaf steady him as he dismounted, he was grateful even.

"Go down to the river, you will sleep better if you wash some of the dust and blood off." Yusaf insisted.

Niccoló was in no mood to argue so he went down to the river and began to clean up.

Yusaf followed him down a few minutes later after securing the horses and hastily setting up camp, to find Niccoló hadn't made a move to undress yet.

"Here let me." Yusaf said gently removing his boots, then his dust coat, he began to remove his shirt but Niccoló stopped him.

"I'll finish." He insisted, gently pushing Yusaf's hand away.

"Please, it's the least I can do." Yusaf insisted, the reason Niccoló was so tired in the first place was because they had been surprised by bandits and Niccoló had saved Yusaf's life by giving his own.

"Really it's alright, you can setup the bed rolls." Niccoló gave him a tired smile.

"I've already done that." Yusaf leaned in very close, glancing up to make sure this was still alright with Niccoló before kissing him lightly.

There relationship was still so new, such a fragile thing, he didn't want to upset him by moving faster than Niccoló was comfortable with, but he desperately wanted to take care of Niccoló the way Niccoló took care of him. Niccoló had washed him a dozen times already but he would never allow Yusaf to do the same and it endlessly confused him.

"Please let me take care of you." Yusaf said when he pulled back from the kiss, not going far. "I'm not trying to push you, I just want you to know I'm here for you too."

"I know Yusaf, I've never doubted your love or willingness to look after me. It's just...." He hesitated, unsure of how to go on, he'd never actually told anyone his secret he'd only ever had to explain after they'd accidentally found out.

"If you're not ready, there's no rush." Yusaf winked at him trying to lighten the mood. "I think we have time." he added coyly.

It did get a ghost of a smile out of Niccoló. Yusaf still had no idea why he grew so serious when it came to this kind of thing but he didn't want to upset Niccoló when he was already spent.

He stood to leave, but before he was even all the way up Niccoló grabbed his sleeve. "Wait." He looked torn about what he was about to say. "I want- need to show you something."

"I promise you it can wait Niccoló. You're tired, we're both hungry, it'll be alright to show me another time, I'm sorry I pushed." Yusaf reassured him.

"No, I want to do it now." Without saying another word he pulled off his shirt and twisted around so that Yusaf could see his back.

Red lines that looked almost painted zig zagged away from a circular slightly raised scar just below his left shoulder. The lines looked jagged and like they were incredibly painful when he got them.

Yusaf raised his hand to trace one of the lines but stopped before actually touching him. "May I?" He asked.

Niccoló nodded.

Yusaf stroked the lines with a soft delicate touch. "What left a mark like this?"

Niccoló turned back around. "I was struck by lightning as a boy."

"And you feel like you need to hide this?"

"People have told me I'm cursed ever since and ask what I must have done to displease god enough to anger him into striking me. They tell me I'm unlucky and that I should be ashamed of such a thing."

Yusaf took his hands. "I think it shows how strong you actually are, not many can survive such a thing, the only shameful thing here is how they would belittle something so thoroughly out of your control. I swear you never need to hide these things from me."

Niccoló rested his forehead against Yusaf's. "Thank you. I was so scared you would react like everyone else, I was terrified you might leave me."

Yusaf's voice got caught in his throat at the idea of leaving him. "Never." He promised.

Niccoló kissed him like they were both promising that to each other.

#The Old Guard #Joe #Nicky #immortal husbands #Twi writes sometimes

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tuiccim · 4 years

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Santi (Part 3)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 4538

Warnings: Fluff, flirt, Smut

Summary: While the team is still gone on their mission, you (Santi) and Bucky get called on for your own.

Santi Masterlist

You managed a few hours of sleep. When you wake up you see the knife dried with some of your blood on the nightstand. You slip on some shorts and take the knife with you to the kitchen, wash it, and then start making coffee.

"Good morning." You hear from behind. You turn to see Bucky in a tank and grey sweatpants looking rested.

"Good morning. How did you sleep after…?" You leave the question unfinished.

"Best I've slept in a while. A long while. Took a lot of effort to get out of bed." He smiles and your heart flip flops. He looks so content.

"I'm glad."

"What about you? You seem like you're still tired."

"I'm good. I've never really been able to sleep well." You shrug. Bucky notices his knife on the counter, picks it up and looks at it, then looks at you. You raise an eyebrow, "Thought you'd want it back."

"Yeah. It's my favorite." He twirls it in his hand.

"I figured. Being under your pillow and all." You smirk, "Boys and their toys."

"I stabbed you." You hear the sadness in his voice.

"Buck, it's fine. I'm fine. And that stays between us."

He looks at you but his face is still sad.

"Besides," you continue, "Nat's been telling me I needed a good stabbing lately. Course, I don't think that's exactly what she had in mind." You laugh darkly.

Bucky's face is unreadable as you turn to pull two mugs down for coffee. When you turn back around you are blocked by a wall of Bucky. You look up into his stern face. "It was just a joke, Bucky. You can laugh."

"Why'd you pull away last night?"

You knew exactly what he meant but something in you wanted to be coy, "I didn't. What do you mean?"

"Fine. Why'd you pull up, then? Kissed my forehead."

You bit your lip, "I… you...I had just imbued you. It can be confusing. For everyone."

"I wasn't confused." Bucky was staring a hole through you and at that moment his eyes flickered to your mouth for just a moment.

"But I was." You said quickly, "I wasn't sure if it was the emotional high or the fear from the nightmare. My empathic abilities have wreaked havoc in the past. I want to be sure a kiss is about me, not just the heat of the moment. And I...I couldn't tell."

"What about right now?" He says. Those blue eyes challenging you while still remaining soft. You could scarcely breathe. Bucky had moved closer and closer as you had talked. There was barely an inch between your bodies. His face hovered just above yours.

FRIDAY chimes in, "Agent Delarosa."

You take a deep breath. "You're timing sucks, FRIDAY." Santi says, keeping eye contact with Bucky

"My apologies. Priority One communication."

Separating yourself from Bucky, you smooth your hair before saying, "On screen."

Maria Hill's image appears, "Agent Delarosa. Sergeant Barnes."

"Agent Hill." You say suspiciously, knowing only one reason could be behind a call from her. You had a grudging respect for Maria but the two of you had never been overly friendly.

Hill begins immediately, "A top priority mission has come up. We believe we've found a Hydra base containing operations intel. Security looks minor. The two of you should be able to clear it. I've sent the information to you. Good luck."

You glance back at Bucky who nods affirmation of acceptance. "Yeah, sure. We'll go. Sounds like fun." You say sarcastically to Hill.

"Is there a problem, Agent?"

"Captain Rogers is gonna be pissed."

"Can't be helped. Check in. 36 hours"

"You got it, kid."

"Ag…"

"FRIDAY, Screen off." You cut Hill off. Doesn't hurt to remind her you have 20 years more experience occasionally. You turn to Bucky, grabbing him by the tank, you pull him flush against you. Looking up into his incredibly blue eyes you say, “Conversation to be continued?”

“Yeah, Doll.”

“Good. We've got a mission. Suit up. Quinjet, 20 minutes."

"You're kinda hot when you're all business." Bucky surprises you by saying.

“Only kinda?” You say with a smirk before heading to your room to change.

15 minutes later you board the quinjet. Bucky is already there and has begun preflight. You stow your gear and head towards the cockpit. Bucky looks up and gives you a slow once over. He’s not seen you in your tactical gear before which include a tight suit, boots, holster with guns at your hips and a selection of knives. You give a slow turn to ensure he gets a full view.

“Do I pass muster, Sergeant Barnes?” You say with hands on hips.

Bucky’s eyes say it all but his gravelly voice is even more telling. “Definitely hot when you're all business."

You let out a small giggle. "Let's hit it."

Once in the air and the autopilot set, Bucky relaxes in his chair. You look over to find him staring at you. "Nervous?" You say.

He rolls his shoulders, "I'm…I'm not sure."

"I'm always a little nervous." You say looking at your tablet. "Hopefully, the intel is right. It doesn't look like more than half a dozen guards. The base is small."

"Do you have a schematic?"

"Yeah. Looks like our best point of entry is to go through this side door. It leads to the center of the base and connects to the main corridors."

"What is the main target?"

"Computer system at the center of the base. Then a general sweep for any unknowns. We should be able to turn and burn. Probably beat the team back. Speaking of, I should call Steve. He's gonna flip."

Bucky gives you a look that clearly says better you than me. You dial Steve saying under your breath "Don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up." Bucky chuckles as Steve picks up on the third ring.

"Hey, Santi."

"Hey, Steve. How's the mission going?"

"So far, so good. We are still on track to be home tomorrow. How is Bucky doing?"

"Hey Buck, Steve wants to know how you're doing."

"Tell the punk I'm fine." Bucky grumbles good naturedly.

"He says he's fine, punk." You laugh.

"Sounds like the jerk." Steve says.

"Yeah, so, gotta call from Hill."

"What? Why?" You can hear Steve's mind go into overdrive

"Quick mission. We are heading to grab some intel." You breeze.

"What!?!" Steve's voice is hard.

"I heard that all the way over here." Bucky smirks from the cockpit.

"Yeah, he's heartbroken that I'm taking your virginity on this one." You sass to Bucky and hear Steve practically choke through the phone.

"Santi!" Steve says in his aggravated tone. "Why did you accept?"

"Oh, yeah, like there was a way to turn it down. Plus, Barnes is the one that accepted." You say.

"Me?" Bucky reacts.

"You nodded. It's all your fault" You call to Bucky before turning back to the phone, "He takes full responsibility, Steve. Steve?...Steve I can hear you pulling your hair out over the phone. Stop!"

"What's the mission?" Steve asks.

"Don't worry I'm taking it easy on the first timer over here." You say grinning.

Bucky pipes up, "Hardly my first mission, Santi."

"I'll be gentle with him, Steve. I know how hard the first time back in the saddle can be. I'll return him without a scratch." You give Bucky a shit eating grin while he shakes his head.

"Santi!" Steve's aggravated voice.

"Small base. Turn and burn. Intel sweep. No biggie. Chill. I got your boy. I'll check in tomorrow. Bye."

"Be safe." Steve grouses.

"You got it, Cap." Ending the call, you turn to Bucky. "That wasn't so bad."

"That mouth of yours." Bucky chuckles.

"What about it?" You say innocently.

Bucky looks at your smile for a minute before his eyes flicker up to yours. "It's gonna get you into some dangerous situations."

"Oh but it gets me out of so many. What can I say? I have a very limber tongue." You say with a knowing grin.

"I look forward to testing that out." Bucky shifts in his chair.

"Uncomfortable?" Your eyes linger on his thick thighs.

"Let's just say the space is getting a little tight in here."

You chuckle, "Well, as much as I would love to continue this conversation we best get back to work. We need to go over everything and agree on tactics."

"You got it, Doll." Bucky shifts again in his seat but turns his attention to the tablet you're holding. Two hours later you're in the back of the quinjet triple checking the supplies. Finding everything in order you head back to the cockpit. "How are we looking?"

"Closing in." Bucky says.

"You've got the landing coordinates in?"

"Yes."

"Is stealth ready?"

Bucky eyes you, remaining silent.

"Sorry." You say taking a deep breath. "I start to get keyed up and tend to micromanage."

"It's cute, Doll. Everything's ready. Is it me making you nervous?"

"No." You say with a shake of your head.

"Because I know we've never worked together before."

"It's not that. It's just me. I'm always like this before a mission. I'll mellow out by the time we get there." You flash him a nervous smile while bouncing on the balls of your feet. Might as well let him see your quirks now. "You should have seen me the first time I was on mission with Clint and Natasha. They were like a well oiled machine together and here I am a bundle of nerves. I think Nat might have tied me to a chair if Clint hadn't been there. Nat will tell you the story at some point but she says before we got there it was like I'd never been on a mission before and it wasn't until after we landed she saw the seasoned vet come out."

"Well, we're almost there. It’s a trek to the base once we set down."

"Everything's ready." You felt the quinjet adjust trajectory and knew it must be approaching the landing space. Bucky turns back to the controls and watches as the jet approaches a clearing in the heavily wooded area. As soon as you land you both begin securing the jet and then carefully step out onto the terrain. After ensuring the area is secure Bucky nods his head in the direction you need to move and you follow.

After a while you spot the base and make out the entrance you had indicated on the schematic. One guard stood sentry by the post. Looking over to Bucky you see him take aim at the guard with his sidearm but you hold up your hand with a slight shake of your head. Instead you take out a small taser disc he immediately recognizes. However, Bucky looks at you, shakes his head and motions with the firearm. You stare at each other for a minute. A battle of wills going on before you fling the disc at the camera over the door. The guard looks up surprised and Bucky takes his shot. Together, you carefully make your way to the door.

"Thought we should get rid of the camera before the guard." You smile slyly at him.

"I was going to take them both out with one shot." He grins at you for just a moment.

"Right." You say while rolling your eyes.

Bucky hauls the guard up and places his thumb on the door scanner. It flashes green allowing your entrance. Inside it's quiet and dim. You take the lead and slowly make your way down the hall. Nearing the main corridors you spot another camera and fling a second disc at it. You round the corner and find yourself suddenly flying through the air slamming your right shoulder into the opposite wall. You fall to the ground stunned. The behemoth that threw you looks down at you but suddenly drops as a bullet tears through his skull.

"Santi, are you alright?"

"Fuck. Are there any more coming?" You struggle to your feet.

"No. Are you alright?" Bucky says insistently.

"My shoulders dislocated. I need you to put it back in place." You grimace as your arm dangles.

"Shit." Bucky eyes your arm.

"I'll be fine. Just gotta get it back in." You grab one of your knives and bite down on the grip. Nodding to Bucky, he takes your arm and expertly snaps it into place. You internalize your scream as much as possible. After a few moments you take the knife from your mouth and put it back in place, breathing heavily. Bucky has one arm holding out his gun to protect you and another holding you steady as your breathing returns to normal. "Fuck, that hurts everytime."

"Shit, I'm sorry." Bucky says.

"It's fine. It'll be completely healed in another minute." Rolling your shoulder, you wince and grab your gun. "Two down. Let's go."

Bucky nods and takes point. You make quick work of the remaining guards but remain on alert. When you enter the center of the base you cross quickly to the computer bank and begin work.

"Know what you're doing?" Bucky jokes.

"Vaffanculo." You smirk.

"The mouth on you." He laughs.

"This is gonna take a few." You murmur as you work through the intel. Bucky remains vigilant while examining the rest of the room.

"Got it." You say pulling the thumb drive from the port. You click through the security feed to see if any threats or areas of interest pop up. "Bucky, there's something in storage. Off the southwest corridor."

"Let's go." He says. Both moving quickly you head to the storage room and find it lined with boxes. Bucky breaks the first one open and you look inside.

"This is all Chitauri weapons and armor."

"You sound disappointed." Bucky says.

"Would've preferred something interesting." You shrug.

"What should we do with it?" Bucky asks.

"Destroy it." You say. "We'll hit the base from the quinjet. Take the whole thing out."

"You sure?" He says.

"Standard order for finds like this. We don't want it and we don't want anyone else to have it." You head out the door and Bucky follows. Back at the quinjet, Bucky fires everything up while you set coordinates for the base destruction. The quinjet lifts off and once you reach a fair distance you see the base become a ball of fire.

"Turn and burn." You say as you and Bucky watch it for a moment. Bucky sets the autopilot and you both sit back in the pilot chairs to relax for a few minutes. You turn to him, "Congrats on your first mission."

"How's the shoulder?" He asks.

"Did something happen to my shoulder?" You ask mockingly.

"You heal but it still hurts, huh?" Bucky looks over at you.

"Yup." You say quietly.

"Is there anything you can't heal?"

"Not that I've found yet. I've been shot, stabbed, poisoned. Even took a bullet to the heart and still healed." You shrug. "Never been shot in the head though. That might be the one thing that can end me. I don't know."

"Let's not test it out." Bucky raises an eyebrow at you.

You laugh, "Not planning on it. I'm starving. You want some food?"

"Yeah. That'd be great."

You head to the back of the quinjet to rummage around for the protein bars and two plums you had thrown in your pack. Bucky smiled as you handed him two of the bars and a plum.

"Sorry it's not a nicer dinner." You say as you take your seat again.

"It'll work for now. Maybe I can take you to a nicer dinner?" Bucky blushes a bit as he looks over at you.

"You asking me on a date?" You smile at him.

"Yeah, Doll. You accepting?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant. I'd be delighted." You grin at him.

"Steve said the team will be back tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"How about the next day?" Bucky cocks an eyebrow.

"I like the way you think, Sargeant. Give time for everyone to debrief and settle." Good God, looking at the man was making you hot. You question if you've ever been as attracted to someone. Not jumping him was gonna be hard. Your tongue darts out to moisten your lips and you bite down on your lower lip as you look into his eyes.

"Doll, don't do that."

"What?"

He just stares at your mouth for a minute.

You smile wickedly. "This?" You repeat the action and he groans."Why, Sergeant, are you having impure thoughts about me?"

"Doll, I've been having impure thoughts about you since I saw you bite into that plum when we first met."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Me, too."

"Really?"

Quickly, you maneuver yourself onto your knees in your seat and, leaning over the console, pull Bucky in for a kiss. Your mouths meld and tongues dance as fire rips through both of you. When you manage to pull away, you're both breathless for a minute. "Really, really." You whisper against his lips.

"That mouth of yours is gonna be the death of me."

You grin, "Don't worry I know mouth to mouth." You both chuckle as you pull together for another kiss.

After a minute you pull away and sit back down with a stupid grin on your face. Looking at him you're a little scared of the feelings welling up in you and whether Bucky was feeling the same way. You had gone from 0 to 100 quickly. Was it too fast? The old temptation to slip into his mind and decipher his emotions was strong and you had to fight it. It wasn’t right. Not without his consent. It was a violation. You didn’t care when it came to the enemy, but it was a matter of trust when it came to friends. He was staring out the windshield as you sat there pondering and studying his profile. He is so beautiful. Take it as it comes, Santi, you remind yourself.

“You gonna fall asleep on me? “ You joke.

“I’m a little too worked up to sleep.” He says with a wink.

“We have a little over an hour left til we’re back. I’m gonna try to get the mission report done if you have no objections.”

“Doing the paperwork for the mission? Nope, not gonna object at all.” He grins.

You laugh, “You’ll still have to read and sign it.”

“No problem.”

You get to work and by the time the jet is descending Bucky has reviewed and signed off on the report. He jokingly comments on your omission of your shoulder dislocation and glowing description of his work.

“I figured I’d make you look good since it was your first mission as an Avenger.” You smirk.

Once the jet lands, you grab your gear. Going over to the console on the wall, you insert the thumb drive and upload the intel that was gathered.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., call Maria Hill please.” You say.

“Yes, Agent Delarosa.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. responds.

“Hill.” Maria’s face is on screen.

“Hey, kid!” You smirk.

“Agent Delarosa.” Maria deadpans.

“Intel is uploaded. Mission report is filed. That must be a record.”

“Good work, Agent, Sergeant.” Hill nods at both of you.

“Seriously? That’s all you got? Come on, Hill, you gave us 36 hours and we finished in less than a third of the time. Gimme a little love. You know you want to.” You sass Hill and despite herself you see a little smile form.

“Maybe next time. If you stop referring to me as kid.” Maria sasses back.

“You should have more respect for your elders, young lady.” You blow her a kiss and wink as you say, “F.R.I.D.A.Y., screen off.”

Bucky looks as if he is holding back laughter. You smile at him, “Okay. I’m ready to get out of this gear, have a shower, and find some real food. How about you?”

“My shower or yours?” Bucky raises an eyebrow.

“Nice try.” You smirk as you head to the elevator.

“You’re breaking my heart, Doll.” Bucky smirks back.

Forty-five minutes later you meet Bucky in the kitchen and together make a quick dinner. After eating, you both settle on the couch.

“Whatcha wanna watch?” You ask.

“Something funny?” He says.

You smile, “I was thinking the same thing. Have you ever seen Bad Boys? It’s a mix of comedy and action.”

“Sounds good to me.”

You start the movie and within minutes Bucky has grabbed you by the waist to pull you to him. You lean into him and curl your fingers around his metal ones. It feels so right and easy. Bucky seems to love the movie. He laughs and enjoys the action sequences. Occasionally, he murmurs a question in your ear about different references. You had to pause for a minute to explain to him about the show Cops and the song Bad Boys. He seems to appreciate your willingness to explain and patience. When the movie ends, you look over at Bucky to find him staring at you.

“What?” You say smiling. He doesn’t answer but leans in for a kiss. You respond immediately. His lips are so soft and you lose yourself in the feel of them. He shifts closer to you and you feel his hand on your waist pulling you in. Your tongues seek each other almost desperately. Arching into him, he groans. When you finally separate moments later you are both breathless and staring into each other's eyes.

Bucky is the first to speak, “You know you’re pretty amazing?”

“Yeah? You’re pretty amazing, too.” You press a soft kiss to his lips. Standing up, you hold your hand out to him and he follows you to the elevator. As you hit the button for your floor, you say, “The team will be back tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna have a sleepover on our last night alone?” You look at him feeling nervous and bite your lower lip.

The elevator doors open and Bucky backs you into the hallway wall. “What did I tell you about biting your lip like that?”

“Do it whenever I want to get my way?” You smile at him.

He kisses you. A hard stamp on the lips. “It’s, um, it’s been awhile since i’ve had a sleepover.”

“I’ll go easy on ya.”

“Not too easy, Doll.”

You lead Bucky to your room and pull him in for a kiss as you back both of you to the bed. He brings his hands up to cup your face and pulls away to look into your eyes. "Are you sure, Doll?"

Wordlessly, you lift your arms up so he can easily remove your shirt. He tosses it to the side and pulls his own off. Gently, he lays you back on the bed and melds his mouth to yours. Your hands travel over his hard chest feeling the muscles ripple before making their way to his waist where you pull his body even closer to you. He groans into your mouth as he lifts you slightly to unfasten your bra and slip it off your arms. You lay back with your arms above your head as he stares down at you.

"You're gorgeous, Doll. All of you." He says before lowering his head to take a nipple into his mouth. You suck in a breath as he lavishes attention on your breasts.

"Ohhhh...Bucky," you whisper as he slowly moves his hands to the waistband of your leggings and pauses, "yes."

He pulls your leggings and panties off as you reach to undo his pants. Pushing his pants down his legs he is already hard and you’ve barely touched him. You put a hand to his chest and push him down onto the bed. You devour him with your eyes and slowly slide hands down to his cock. He hisses with jaw clenched when you touch him. Unable to resist, you wrap your lips around his head and swirl your tongue. His hands go to your hair as he urges you on. You take him as deep as you can and listen to his moans as you work your tongue against him. Wrapping one hand around his base to work him and using the other to palm his balls, you continue to work him.

“Fuck, Doll. That mouth of yours.” Bucky groans as he gently pulls you away and devours your mouth with his. His hand trails down your body and he presses against your core feeling the slickness. “So wet for me already.” he says as he presses kisses along your neck. His fingers slide across your slick folds skimming your clit before moving down to press a finger into you. Your breath hitches and you whimper at the sensation. Encouraged, Bucky adds a second finger while using his thumb to press your clit.

“Bucky.” You moan his name as his lips wrap around your nipple.

“Doll, want inside you so bad.” Bucky says,, “Can’t wait.”

“Yes.” You say quickly. Bucky removes his fingers and rolls himself on top of you with a searing kiss. You feel him line up with your entrance and then agonizingly slow he pushes in.

“I thought your mouth was going to kill me, but you're so tight. So wet.” Bucky groans.

You slide your hands to his ass and press him forward encouraging him on. “Feels so good, Bucky.”

Once he fully buries himself he stills for a moment pressing his forehead to yours. “You okay?”

“So fucking okay.” You wrap your legs around him and encourage him to move. He begins to slowly work himself in and out. Each thrust nearly takes your breath away. You feel the pleasure coiling inside of you. “Harder.” you whisper to Bucky and it’s as if he needed the permission to let go. His hips begin to slam into you. “Yes, yes.” You can’t stop the moans escaping your lips. Bucky’s fingers dig into your sides as he continues thrusting.

“You’re so perfect, Doll. So fucking perfect. I’m so close.” Bucky groans into your ear as he fastens his lips to the side of your neck. His words propel you over the edge. Your body clenches around his cock and you cry out his name. His hips stutter as he reaches his own release with a moan.

Bucky rolls to his side and pulls you to him pressing a kiss to your temple.

“Was I gentle enough?” you tease.

“No, I think you broke me.” He laughs. “That was uh, the first time in a while for me. I didn’t mean to be in such a hurry but you got me so worked up, Doll.”

“Hey.” You kiss him. “I didn’t mind. You got me all worked up, too.”

“How long before I can get you worked up again?” He asks, nuzzling your ear.

“You just say the word, Sergeant.”

“Now.”

“Thank God.” You push him up against the headboard and straddle him. He seals his mouth to yours. Feeling his already growing arousal against you, you know you're in for a long, satisfying night.

Part 4

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veinereastath · 4 years

Note

hi there again (I'm the anon from the Eredin age ask, btw, thank you for the answer!! I like your theory). i wanted to ask one more thing - how did you play around with pairing aen elle with a human? not that I have something against it, hell naw, but I'm wondering whether making Rhan a human was somehow important for your plot, or did you just decide it for no bigger reason?

I like your questions, Nonny! I really do~

~ Also, sorry in advance - this is a long answer. I wanted to make it short, but.. I guess I usually go to far with asks, probably because I’m just too excited, duh.

Okay, first things first - pairing Aen Elle with a human is sick. :”) To some extent, I presume. I would never go for it if not for the canon Lara Dorren x Cregennan of Lod story, because that gives some mild suggestion that, technically, such a relationship is possible. Even more interesting, the romance between them was more bothering for humans than elves, so it’s also a little point for my evil little abomination that I created.

About how it started - I created Rhan (or, actually, loose concept of her) in late 2015 / early 2016 [I started my journey with this universe in September 2015 where I played Witcher 3, and after finishing it I swallowed the whole saga by Sapkowski in less than two weeks]. Fun fact - she was an elf at this point, Aen Elle, actually, with a totally different backstory than what we have now. But me, being me, always digging human x elf / demon / whatever the hell you can come out with relationships - it wouldn’t work, it was too boring for me, so I scrapped that early concept and started nibbling, slowly and lazily, at something new. I think that the first ideas that are actually what Rhan is today started appearing in my head during summer vacations in 2016 (gosh, why am I giving so many pointless details, sorry anon).

Let’s get back on the grid - the main problem I have with Eredin is that he’s one of that characters that doesn’t have much screenbooktime. The whole Tir na Lia plot takes about 40 pages I think, and Eredin has maybe 15 pages in total. It’s not much when we have 5 books + about a dozen or so smaller stories [and Season of Storms, but it came out much, much later]. But what I could pick up was that:

Aen Elle are a fucked up race, and that’s a fact, but, honestly - 90% of the Witcher universe is either genocidal, racist, or both, or worse,

Eredin is genocidal and racist, and, even more... complicating, the whole "Ciri in Tir na Lia” plot puts Eredin, Avallac’h and Auberon in position of rapists, because putting a woman in someone else’s bed without her permission is rape,

he’s that lovely, dark and highly intelligent manipulative type. :”)

It’s quite a feat, because everyday I get around 3-4 new little ideas for their story, but only 1 at best makes it to the “next step”, because there are many things I have to consider - first is, 98% of soft and fluffly things just won’t work with Eredin. They just won’t, but somehow I’m fine with that, I was never a fluffly-tropes kind of person. Second is, Rhan x Eredin relationship is difficult on every level: the race difference is obvious, but there is also age, for example, and all the time I have this little devil in the back of my head reminding me of the “the old, kinda supernatural being falls in love with a young woman” trope: *cough* Twilight *cough*. The worst thing that could happen is making Eredin OOC somehow. But that’s always the biggest fear when shipping OC x canon, I presume.

So, in order to make myself feel better, in nearly every piece of story with them I write I put that huge doubt, mostly on Rhan’s side, how the hell this could work and her little panic when after some time she realizes where her feelings are going, because while Aen Elle x human might have indeed a chance of happening again, even after Lara Dorren x Cregennan, it’s still wrong on nearly every level. When that Aen Elle is Eredin, it’s even worse.

The very definition of “falling in love” itself also kinda feels weird when Eredin is taken into consideration, imo, so that’s another thing I have to live with every day (but hey, I love suffering, so it’s all good, right).

Moving on - I decided that if this is supposed to work, Rhan should probably be as most non-human human as I can, while still somehow keeping that “humanity” in her, because... If I wanted to de-human her entirely, why not just make her an elf and be done with it? That’s why I decided that while yes, she was born on Skellige and is 100% human, I will put her in Brokilon, make her live and learn from the dryads, and then put her right in the middle of Scoia’tael to give her the deep understanding of elven culture and way of life. The final effect is that while Rhan is human in terms of how she looks like (no diamond-cutting cheekbones in her, baby~) and tends to show a more fiery side of her temperament here and there, she behaves like an elf in about 85% of the case - to make it more “real” I added small headcanon things that could potentially fit elves, at least Aen Seidhe, the way the greet each other, thank eatch other for help, share their emotions etc., so after just a few days Eredin realizes “well, she’s human, but she does not behave like one, and does not move or fight like one”. It’s barely a deal for him at this point, but it’s the first, microscopic step towards moving their relationship onto some normal ground.

Another thing - this relationship could not happen fast. While Rhan is a sorceress and, indeed, has an increased lifespan thanks to magic, she is still a human and the biggest human thing in her is that she perceives time like humans do - every minute, hour, week is important to her, while Aen Elle can wait decades and not be too much bothered by it. So something long and lazy from Rhan’s perspective would be a blink of an eye for Eredin, especially since I stick to that headcanon that he must be at least 300 years old - at this age elves are pretty much done with everything, they’ve seen nearly everything, and they just don’t care that much about time, and they get quite bored with each other (sex-wise, as Avallac'h said to Geralt in Tower of The Swallow).

Though, on the side note, the books heavily suggest that Eredin is, indeed, impatient; something that kinda costed the Aen Elle losing the Elder Blood and Auberon at the same time, because he would probably live if not for Eredin’s hasty attempt to speed things up.

Huh, what else could I say... Ah, right, time. I wanted to mention that I made their relationship take a long time to just go from “you’re just a trophy” to “you’re tolerable” to “alright, I consider you to be a living being and slightly appreciate what you’re doing to Aen Seidhe elves in your world” to “I respect you” to “I would not die for you, but I would kill for you”. I’m still not entirely sure how much time I want it to take, but one decade is an absolute bare fricking minimum. Recently I’m kind of going more into putting it into a span of 20-25 years, actually. And it’s still not that much for Aen Elle elf.

What else... Ah, to figure out how the hell would Eredin even consider taking her alive, instead of killing her on the spot after she got trapped in Tir na Lia for the second time (in case you don’t know - I gave Rhan a highly unstable magic; she can’t create portals, because they always throw her to the place that is full of powerful magic, and doesn’t care for worlds barriers - and Tir na Lia is literally full of it), I went with the very long and tiring chase sequence; Rhan was able to run away for 5 days before she got captured, with barely any sleep available at that time, to kinda give this whole thing a vibe of an exciting (for Eredin, that is) chase, that is something new and interesting after the routine that is unicorn hunting / raiding human villages. The Raven Haired Bastard managed to be slightly, just sliiightly impressed by how long she was able to play this game, slipping from his riders by mere inches. Slightly. But that’s already some kind of a start to make it at least somehow believable. At least for my mind and my imagination.

And yes, I know he chased Ciri as well, but in her case it was a matter of life and death, because Eredin needed her blood, it was a matter of survival of the whole race, not chase for fun. In case of Rhan, it's more of a free-time challenge, a hunt for a difficult, but not that important prey. Aaand I don't like Cirilla, but that's another thing, yikes

... God, it was not supposed to be this long, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t make it shorter. And there are still probably things that I would like to mention, but just can’t think about them right now.

Moral of the story is - I dig complicated, dark and difficult relationships. I always go for them. Well, in 99% of the case.

#long post alert #sorry in advance #but THANK you for this ask #I live for answering questions about my OCs #Rhan an Undvik #Rhan x Eredin #Anonymous

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bondsmagii · 5 years

Note

If it's not too personal, could you talk a bit about your experiences growing up in Northern Ireland with the civil war and the cultural differences between the north and the republic etc? I have Irish ancestry but none of the Irish part of my family is alive and I'm trying really hard to reconnect with that part of my blood and pay homage to it, so hearing about the experiences of someone who's lived it would mean so, so much to me.

I can try but I can’t promise it’ll make any sense; it’s a highly nuanced situation and I experienced it as one person living in one time period and the whole thing is just a huge mess but! I’ll try and keep it as succinct as possible lmao (good luck to me).

basically the most simplified version of the issue is thus:

Britain, being Britain, takes over Ireland, because of course they do

nasty bastards about it

Irish people are understandably pissed and there’s about 800 years of conflict

Britain keeps sending British people over there to settle (mostly from Scotland originally) to up British numbers and get those bastard Irish Catholics out of the idea they can like, live in their own country

things escalate

rebellions happen

Big Rebellion happens (the 1916 Easter Rising)

the Irish War of Independence happens and Britain is finally like OK we’ll chat (centuries later)

My Man Michael Collins goes over the London and negotiates a treaty

Ireland is given independence but not the six north-eastern-most counties; these countries are the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland respectively

(you’ll sometimes see Protestants calling Northern Ireland “Ulster” but they’re wrong because Ulster is a province and has nine counties not six)

(Catholics tend to avoid using “Northern Ireland” and will call it “the North of Ireland”, “the Six Counties”, or if they’re really political “the Occupied Six Counties”)

some other stuff happened that I won’t get into here because I’ll just bitch about Eamon de Valera for eight hours (if you want to see me bitching I did so here)

the North of Ireland was partitioned as such because of its huge number of British-identifying Protestants descending from the people who had moved over; they wished to remain British and so the North is still a part of the UK today

Irish-identifying Catholics in the North were understandably pissed about this because they wanted their whole country back but were now stuck across a land border with neighbours who didn’t particularly like them and whom they did not particularly like

this escalated into a civil war known as The Troubles (because we’re really great at understating things) where thousands of people died in a bloody conflict mostly contained in the North

(aside from occasional skirmishes and people using the border as a way to escape conviction, the Republic didn’t really have much to do with this war)

it was Bad Times and the North was eventually occupied by British soldiers who set up bases and patrolled the streets and backed up the police for several decades, which only further escalated things

many years of shootings and bombings and beatings and terror ensued

this is about the point where I come in and start trying to grow up there, fun times

I’ll put the rest under a cut because wow this is already very long and I haven’t even touched on what it was like to grow up there lmao

detailed accounts of living in a literal warzone under the cut, so beware.

Civil War Funtimes

growing up in a warzone like the one I grew up in was wack as hell because it’s not… acknowledged as a civil war at all. like the rest of the UK kind of just forget it ever happened or they don’t know about it at all, and like as much as I don’t like to admit it the North is UK soil and the idea that thousands of people could be killing one another in the fucking UK is just phenomenal to me. when I talk about my experiences growing up and don’t specify the country, people hear what I went through and assume I grew up in Bosnia or Chechnya or something. it was that bad.

the strange thing is, as unpleasant as it was, while I was growing up there it was totally normal. it was scary sometimes, when coming into direct contact with things, but a lot of the time it was just inconvenient. I remember being stuck in traffic on the motorway going into Belfast and it was hot and we had no water and we were there for hours and we were moaning and complaining and finally when we were allowed to move again it turned out there was a bomb up ahead and the Army had been called in to diffuse it, but at the time it wasn’t about The Bomb but more about I’m Hot and Thirsty and Several Hours Are Gone From The Time I Had To Run Errands In Belfast. it was only when I moved away from the North and lived a more normal life that I looked back and began processing fully how fucked up it was to live there.

I’m Catholic, so right off the bat I kind of got the shitty end of the stick. both sides were bad, don’t get me wrong, but Protestants had the backing of the police and the British Army and it’s been confirmed that both organisations backed Protestant paramilitary death squads; i.e., helped gangs of Protestant terrorists murder Catholics and get away with it. they also committed a lot more atrocities of their own, including opening fire on unarmed civilians, so it’s kind of a shitty deal when the two organisations sent in to protect everyone align with one side of the civil war and don’t give a shit if you’re getting beaten to death in front of them or something. I remember one time my friends and I were chased by a gang of people who found out we were Catholic somehow, and they were throwing lit fireworks at us in full view of the police, who did nothing. we were 15.

how did they know we were Catholic? there’s a million ways to tell. growing up there sort of required knowing what I call the sectarian geography of the country. certain places were Catholic, and certain places were Protestant. saying you were from a certain town or village could confirm your religion to a potential enemy. in large cities, especially Belfast, saying the street you were from could out you. I had to be careful what side of the road I walked on, and there were streets I couldn’t exit from if I was going into the city centre for fear that someone would see and wait for me. likewise, names could be used to identify you. my friends and I had several different names we’d give depending on what area we were in or the name or accent of the person talking to us. it’s subtle things, too – I mean obviously you’re Catholic if your name is Seamus or Sean or Eamon and obviously you’re Protestant if you’re called William or Billy but it wasn’t always as obvious as that. it was safer to be subtle. if I’m in a Catholic area and want to use a fake name for whatever reason, I’m Joseph McCarthy. if I cross the street to a Protestant area, I’d be better off as James McAllister. all of us learned this growing up, and there were so many nuances I can’t even remember a lot of them now. I know should I ever visit Belfast again it’ll all come back, and so will the subtle shifts in my accent depending on where I am. but to think I knew all this at 12, 13, 14 years old? and it was the difference between life and death, quite literally? I have no idea how I dealt with the stress.

making it into the city was only half of the battle, anyway. violence could erupt at any moment, and bomb scares were known to happen. I’ve been in a number of riots which almost always escalated from a peaceful protest, because of Army and police presence being unwelcome or unfairly biased. during such riots people could and did die: the police and Army used rubber bullets because they’re apparently “less deadly”, but many people, including small children caught in the crossfire, were killed by them. often there was added danger from the IRA (Irish Republican Army; the main Catholic paramilitary force) who would show up to take shots at the police and soldiers, meaning that civilians were very often caught in the no-man’s land between offensive and defensive fire. this was not occasional pistol fire, either: both sides were armed with semi- or fully-automatic weapons. again, this is on streets legally in the UK.

bombs were also a threat, though most of the time they were just threats to create panic and disruption. however, it was occasionally real: I once found a bomb myself, in a newly opened supermarket that was packed during its first week. it was hidden on the shelving and around its outside, nails and ball bearings had been taped to use as shrapnel. I remember going quickly to tell the store manager and him pulling the fire alarm so people didn’t panic too much. everyone went out into the car park and it was only when the bomb squad arrived that people realised. a humorous note to this story is that my parents lost me in the chaos, and found me talking animatedly to several police officers and a member of the bomb squad, in his full protective gear. I was 13, and I’m sure they were wondering just what kind of trouble I’d got myself into in the 20 minutes I’d been out of their sight.

finally, a lot of people died. I mean, a lot. thousands, in a country with a population of only one eighth the size of London alone. every single person in that country knew someone who had died or been injured during the fighting. it’s a very close-knit country; both sides of the conflict have a strong community spirit and towns and districts are often very close, with many people knowing everyone if not by name then by sight. when you take several thousand people and have them killed violently, their death will be felt through fifty to one hundred of their friends, families, neighbours, colleagues, etc. in a country so small, that reverberates and quickly takes in everyone. many people knew several of the dead; older people might know dozens. many more would have witnessed something. my friend group were no different. it’s been over a decade and I still can’t talk about it in any detail, but all I’ll say is that I lost a friend of mine when I was 15, and it was a very violent, drawn-out death at the hands of a mob of adults. he was my age. the reason for it was because he was Catholic. being the same age as him made it a very strange experience. even now, on my birthday, I think about the fact that he would be my age if he had lived. he’s frozen in time, and the rest of us have grown up and moved on, and it’s so unfair it makes me feel sick.

as for the culture,

(forgive the abrupt ending, but to be honest that part of things always exhausts my emotions when talking about what it was like to live like that.)

I’m sorry that this is a wholly depressing account, but it was a warzone; I get the feeling that’s to be expected. what I can say is that despite everything, I miss living there dearly. despite how horrible it could be, the country is beautiful and a vast majority of the people I met and grew up with were wonderful. I miss it a lot. I miss the landscapes, I miss all the places I used to go to lose myself. I miss the forests and the waterfalls, I miss the Causeway Coast, I miss turning the bend on the motorway and seeing Belfast nestled in its valley with the sea on one side and Cave Hill on the other. I miss the little villages, I miss getting lost in the fields and the trees and the trails, I miss the tiny little pubs and the small harbours and drinking by the lough with my friends. I miss the food, and I miss all the little quirks in the way we talked, and I miss walking down the street or going into a shop and having my friends’ parents recognise me and act like they’re all my mothers (“ach, how’ve you been? lookit you! I can’t believe it. you used to be so wee!” – no matter if they’d seen me a week ago, I was always wee then and taller now).

I was lucky enough that my friends and I were much more open-minded; members of the new generation who were getting sick to death of all the fighting. there were both Catholics and Protestants in our friend group, and sometimes the only thing that got us through was making dark jokes and poking fun at one another. I miss that, too – living away from the country and knowing no other people from there makes reconciling what happened very difficult. even now I have an innate connection with people when we hear one another’s accents. we’ll start chatting like old friends, and it’s wonderful, because religion doesn’t come up at all. we’ll ask where each other is from, and usually we’ll have heard of it, and then we’ll probably start bitching about the weather or the roadworks that are still there eight years later or something. sometimes we’ll even start making a few dark jokes of our own, and it’s always a relief to laugh. it loosens something in the chest. I don’t think there’s a group of people more resilient than those from the North. we’ve seen some shit, and we still manage to live through it and laugh about it. I remember one time in school, when we were about 16, me and my fellow Catholics were going to skip school for St Patrick’s Day (we never got given the day off, honestly) and our Protestant friends were jealous, and we invited them along and they were jokingly saying that nah, they couldn’t, it’s a Catholic celebration, it wouldn’t be right, etc, and finally one of them was like “we’ll come to St Paddy’s Day if you skip school and come with us on St Proddy’s Day” and we were like “what the fuck is St Proddy’s Day” and he was like “idk it’s like St Paddy’s Day but for Protestants” and I was like “alright when is it” and everyone decided it was the day after St Patrick’s Day so our entire group skipped school for a two-day drinking fest. to be honest it’s stuff like that I remember more than the fighting.

I didn’t get to go to the Republic as much as I wanted to, but despite the border I find the culture is just as warm, just as welcoming, and the sense of humour is brilliant across the board. Irish/Northern Irish culture, no matter what you want to call it, is just very familial. it’s warm. everyone is genuinely interested in everyone, everyone is genuinely there for a laugh (craic, as we’d say – pronounced “crack”. common greeting is “what’s the craic?”). it’s a nice place to be. you come from a culture known across the world for its friendliness and its love of fun, but as depressing as some of this information is, I hope you realise that you also come from a very resilient people. despite everything I love the place and I hope to go back one day, when I’m ready to do so. and the best part is that despite everything, I know I’ll be welcome.

#about me #this is so long and i wrote it more as conversational prose sorry if it's incoherent!!!#ireland #anon #asks

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loulougoingsolo · 5 years

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"Who the heck is Leighton Meester?"

Happy International Women's Day! I've been occupied with work stuff (a very rare occasion for me), and this is the first chance I got to sit by my screen today - and there's only 15 minutes left of this fine day now that I'm writing this. But women are worthy of a celebration every day, not just once a year, so here goes.

I think I can confidently say I've never watched a Lifetime movie. I've watched dozens of not-so-great tv movies, though. They're a great way to reset the brain, and even if you fall asleep mid-story, you can probably catch up an hour later and still guess the plot. I used to watch the Hallmark movies on Netflix, until the "wholesome" family ideals and complete lack of LGBTQ characters in their films started to really turn me off. But apparently, Lifetime does not have that issue: Link is, just as we speak, auditioning on the rhettandlink IG to a Lifetime movie, "Mother, may I sleep with danger?", and turns out, it's a film about lesbian vampires. I love Stevie, I bet it was her idea. I also want to see this film, asap.

In my ears, all the possible movie plots Rhett described in GMM sounded equally plausible. And equally cringy. But thanks to their unbelievably strange plots, we now have clip of Link playing a lesbian on IG (with Rhett whispering the responses). It's a win for us.

Rhett: "Please, don't spank me"

Also Rhett: "That's another movie - Lifetime after dark"

I always enjoy it when R&L talk about celebrities (forgetting they're pretty famous themselves). The way Link deliberately mispronounced every single name was hilarious, and if I'm not mistaken, he actually asked Rhett "When was the first time you saw Channing taint a man?" Based on Rhett's reaction, that's what he heard, too. 🤣🤣🤣

I cackled myself to tears watching Rhett and Link have a very thorough and serious conversation about Zac Effron's hairy dudumtodums. I've never watched Highschool musical, but I actually do like Zac Effron after seeing him in Neighbours and in Baywatch. And I could listen to Rhett and Link talk about his physique all day long. I really wish I could have seen the faces of the crew members during this conversation, based on their laughter, they had as much fun as I did.

Crap, I confused Leighton Meester with Blake Lively. There's something wrong with me. But I never watched Gossip Girl, so don't blame me too much.

#rhett and link #gmm #gmmore #gmm 1499 #lifetime movies game #celebrity gossip

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thisturbulentspecies · 5 years

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Blog entry 2 / 01.23.19

From The Cradle To The Grave

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Collapse and dismantlement: On form and dramaturgy in Liszt’S late symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave

"The symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave deserves a special status among Liszt’s symphonic works because he wrote it after a long break as part of his series of symphonic poems from his Weimar period. The composition was inspired by a drawing by the Hungarian painter Mihály Zichy. Many aspects of Liszt’s musical response to this drawing contrast with his older symphonic works. Liszt chooses a simple three-part structure, in which each movement is dedicated to one of the stages of life. The final movement functions as a thematic recapitulation and synthesis, which, however, is no longer staged as an emphatic breakthrough, as in earlier works, but rather as a process of dismantlement preceded by a dramatic collapse at the end of the second movement. The demonstrative break with the concept of a final apotheosis relates back not only to the source of inspiration for the work, but also to a transformation in the composer’s aesthetic viewpoint."

______________________________

This is my story. It belongs to me. Those other people were present. They are not part of this story. Also, their stories are not important to me. For, this is my story.

1:00 am, October 10, 1999. My Dad was dying. He was never going to recover. He would not get better. I do not believe in miracles. Even if I did, his body was broken. It couldn't be repaired by god or man. In the early hours of a Sunday, Priests we're busy doing whatever priests do. Reverends were busy preparing sermons and preparing to save souls. One million prayers could not change anything. Dad's doctors were resigned to the fact that a a terribly ill man was quickly dying. His body, like our bodies, is a machine made of water and flesh and muscle and blood and bone. His machine, was broken.

I sat in a small waiting room maybe 45 feet from the the holding cell for my Dad's soul. Those other people were in in the room. Hours passed and those people made small talk and prayed and drank coffee. Others sped from cities miles away to make small talk and pray and drink coffee with those other people.

My father was, in one form or the other, in very poor health since the late 1970's. All of my siblings were older and were oblivious to how bad it was back home. Dad's back injury forced to him retire. He had no choice but to watch his greenhouse, his second love, destroyed in front of him by the company that bought his land. Before we could move to our new house his greenhouse was burnt to the ground.

I had no choice but watch my parents marriage crash and burn. Mom got angry and Dad got depressed. I watched as they wept over the death of my brother. Soon followed by a quick divorce. I had a front row seat for all of this. Mom was crushed. Dad soon remarried a very mentally ill woman. Simply put, the last 18 years of my Dad's life had been difficult. Certainly not what he signed up for, especially in his early 70's.

My Dad will be remembered as a happy and gregarious man. He was a man of faith and integrity. He always wore a smile. He played acoustic guitar, like 3 chords, just enough to write and play heartfelt songs. Dad wept in private. Sometimes I heard him. He had lost his livelihood, his business, 2 sons and a marriage. A series of heartbreaks.

Dad was going to die soon. He suffered from diabetes, pneumonia and chronic pain. He was now going to die in the last room he would ever be in. Death would mean freedom for his soul. Wherever he was headed, it was better than that room.

The waiting room was in the ICU at Rockford Memorial Hospital. This room had chair's, a small couch, lamps, a coffee table, coffee maker and half a dozen inspirational pictures on the beige walls. Those other people we're in the room. Talking and wringing their hands and praying for him to pull through. To pull through. To pull through? For what? More misery? More pain? We were allowed to go back two at a time. I guess those other people did. I walked back alone.

As I approached the room, I heard the beeps and drones and whines of the equipment. There he was, in a what they call a coma, he was unresponsive and kept alive via life support.

He was almost naked, spare the hospital gown over his genitals. The wires and tubes and leads and IV's and tape and made it clear about what would happen, sooner than later. I wanted to speak but all I did was weep. After a few minutes, I summoned the strength to hold his hand and move my lips very close to his ear. I recall my words pretty vividly.

" Dad, it's your time to go. You have done your work here on this Earth. You did the best you could in this life. Don't hold on. There's no need to wait out this misery any longer. I love you. Many people love you. Somewhere out there, your loved ones are waiting. Your sons are waiting. Go Dad. Just go. This is your permission". I could barely get those words out between my sobs, but I managed to do so.

There layed the man, who in his heyday was a tall strong man. He was hilarious, hard working and dedicated. Now he looked like a cyborg in a lab. I had the opportunity to share what was in my heart with him. I did my best to give him hope and comfort. As awful as this sounds, I wanted him to pass. Fuck this room Dad, I thought to myself, get out of here, just go.

I returned to the room with those other people, still talking and crying and drinking coffee. He needed to go, I screamed in my mind, to leave this mortal coil forever.

Dad expired around 15 minutes later. I didn't shed a single tear. I was secretly elated. He was finally free. Those other people cried. 'There's your miracle', I thought to myself.

From the cradle to the grave. The painting above is an ode to the symphony of the same name. ( see text above). We are born and we die. Some die far too early. Some, on the battlefield. Others in times of darkness and violence. Some during childbirth. Some in the ICU on a Sunday morning.

Dad grew up DIRT poor. I don't think he had a proper cradle. Three days later, he would have a proper grave. As I walked outside to smoke, I heard a lullaby playing on the hospital intercom, which is played when a baby is born. I secretly hoped those other people didn't hear it. It was my lullaby, and this is my story, and it belongs to me and nobody else.

My hope was that that the lullaby baby had a proper cradle. That he is loved, has grown up healthy and happy. Hopefully this baby wouldn't lose two sons, his health, his livelihood, three marriages and wouldn't die hooked up to more machinery than NASA needs to launch a satellite into orbit.

Lullaby baby is almost 20 now. My father has been gone almost 20 years. Do I think my whispers in Dad's ear granted him permission to go? I know he heard me, I'm positive he did. I don't know much about what they call a coma, but in my heart I know he heard every word. I'm not sure if those other people wanted him to pass, but I did. From the cradle to the grave, it's really all we're promised, the cradle and the grave. It is my sincere belief that the grave can sometimes be as much of a precious gift as the cradle.

This is my story and mine alone. Those other people were present but this is not their story. Also, their stories are not important to me. This was my story until today. But today this becomes our story, and ours alone.

***EE***

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thispabulum-blog · 2 years

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Cookies and Hot Dogs and Meatloaf, Oh My!

What's the Tea? Tuesday

Welcome back!

This is the last time we have to do two weeks combined, because this will bring everything up to date! Finally.

Week 9 (April 10 - 16)

Ooh Sunday was an interesting day. While Cuddlebug went to work I took over his kitchen and baked probably a solid 8 or 9 dozen butterscotch cookies (it was hard to count because people started eating them before I was done) that were mostly gone by the time I went home Wednesday night.

He then blew a tire before he got home and almost got into an accident.

I am definitely a jinx.

Sidebar: Do you have a tv in your bedroom? I do. I've had a tv in my bedroom since I was a child, except when I couldn't afford one.

Cuddlebug does not. Baymax did not. Space Kitten does not. Meximelt was adamant about the fact that he did not. Aquaman does not - in fact he has a tv in his living room but it's not even connected to anything, it's just there for decoration.

The audacity. What do they even DO??

Anyway. Cuddlebug had to take his car to the shop, where they would (spoiler!) somehow manage to spend a solid week and a half fixing a thing that should have taken an hour to do (and then charging him out the ass for), so the rest of our time together was very chill and inside.

Sunday night we were hanging out and Cuddlebug told me he was gonna do something on his computer real quick and he'd start dinner in 15 minutes. An hour and a half later, he was actually making dinner. This is par for the course. Tbf, I also do this when I'm alone.

I also imposed on him that we were going to watch Wristcutters: A Love Story which he really liked (a movie I tried for years to get Dr. Strangelove to watch, and he refused) Honestly, one of the hardest parts about dating someone new after being in a long-term relationship is having to catch them up on movies and tv so they understand all your references and weird things about your personality. He gets to pick the next movie, and I think it's gonna be Cloud Atlas.

Monday he made us hot dogs for lunch, and I'm gonna be nice and just say that I appreciated how excited he was about it. A man will always get points for feeding me, regardless.

I did say "Oh, he's lucky he's cute" more than once, though.

That night we hung out with a friend and one of the housemates, and I got to hear them yell at YouTube videos for about 4 hours while I made meatloaf and my good good mashed potatoes (with bacon, caramelized onions, and sauteed mushrooms) and gravy.

Me: "The mashed potatoes are over there, and the gravy is on the stove."

Cuddlebug: "Eh. I'll taste the gravy."

Cuddlebug: "Oh shit, babe."

Let it be known, I can fucking cook. He had seconds, and also leftovers the next day, and even the day after that; I nearly cried.

Tuesday...I don't think we did a damn thing. It stormed, and I was in the vicinity of him and one of his housemates playing 40k again. I recall being wrapped up in a blanket watching Kaguya and eating leftover meatloaf with lots of yelling off to the side.

Wednesday his car still wasn't ready, but I wanted to go home so I had a friend come and pick me up.

Before that happened, though, I was watching Drag Race on my tablet in his room (because there's no tv) while he played on his computer and his mom called, and I got to be present for that.

Let me tell you.

It is fucking adorable to be around someone who has a good relationship with their mother. Dr. Strangelove dodged his mom's calls like the plague (not that I blame him), and when he did have to answer or call her, he'd go outside and chain smoke the entire time and then usually want to be alone for a while afterwards.

But Cuddlebug was just like...chatting. He stopped his game. He leaned back in his chair. He smiled and laughed and talked to her for over an hour.

It's a shame I went home after that because it was super fucking cute.

Saturday night I got to go hang out with Space Kitten! Woot! We caught each other up on our respective love lives, ate some chicken, watched a little YouTube, did Mad Libs, they performed a geomancy for me, we talked tarot for a while, and I got to take home a cute pair of Bunny ears.

Week 10 (April 17 - 23)

Sunday was Easter.

Monday I was hanging out with friends, and Meeko Neko called me from a concert that hadn't started yet, just to chat. I miss him.

I started talking to a guy that I guess I'll have to name, so let's go with Tie-Dye. He's 25, works as a cook (this is a new subgenre for me but I'm leaning into it), and shares both a home and a child with his ex. It's a little complicated but not messy. He's nice, very...free-spirited, maybe? It felt more like friendship and not romance, and our conversations helped him clarify some things he’s been struggling with in his life. If I have to get older, I can at least be sage-like.

A few days later he messaged me and let me know that he didn't want to just ghost me, but his life is going in a different direction and he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. Men are exhausting.

Also Item 9 requested to hang out with Cuddlebug and I over the weekend.

Tuesday I was lazy all day and then woke up from a nap around 8pm and decided to hit up Eclipse who had finally gotten out of the hospital a few days before.

We had planned on going to the same Thai place that Cuddlebug and I went to, but it was going to be closed by the time we managed to get there, so we had to pivot. His car is still in the shop and he hasn't picked it up because he's been busy dying, so he hopped in an Uber and they picked me up on the way to...Applebee's (this is the suburbs, there aren't a lot of late-night options). He is so super cute in person, and is voice is a lot deeper than I expected for some reason.

We talked a little about music, our dating experiences, and then started talking about my true love - disturbing cinema. We decided to go back to my place and watch something spooky. I settled on Poltergeist because it's been a while and you know I enjoy some old school horror. He was really sweet and cuddly! I did get to play with his hair, which is much more solid than I was expecting.

But yeah, we had a nice time, and I'm glad we FINALLY got to meet up (we both talked about how we’ve had other people come and go from our lives in the last two months since we started talking). Hopefully we can get together again soon, I think he's a lot of fun!

And he has...abs? What's that all about? I'm body-inclusive and everything, but I do tend to gravitate toward what Space Kitten refers to as softer folk, so it was just something I haven't felt in a while. Bodies are fascinating.

Wednesday there appeared this other guy, and the whole thing was a whirlwind. I really don't know what to think. We're gonna call him Shaggy, and he was a handful. He is also a cook, and he came out of the gate really forward - he has no filter. Normally I hate that. But idk, this one worked on me. He's 30, poly, married, collects Yu-gi-Oh cards, and asked for my Snapchat so he could send me food porn - which he absolutely did.

After that he was almost manic, switching between being really sexually-aggressive and being super sweet and wanting to get to know each other. There was definitely some kind of connection there, but it was so weird. Like he'd be asking me about my favorite movies and telling me that I'm so cool and cute and he likes me a lot, and then he'd be graphically describing sexual fantasies and things he wanted to do to me, and then he'd apologize for being too needy and saying he was just super into me because I’m amazing. By Saturday he sent me this message that was something like "I don't think this is gonna work, I don't think I'm what you need and you don't seem to have a lot of time" - this from a man who is poly, married, and works as a cook at a popular restaurant. You okay, bro? And then when I took longer than 10 minutes to respond to a message at 2 am, he blocked me on Snap and on Tinder.

Why. Are. Men.

Friday evening, a very poorly-time-managed Cuddlebug picked me up and we went over to his friends' house to eat pizza and watch the Drag Race finale. Then I got to experience more of life's greatest treasure: Cuddlebug watching monkeys. It is impossible to convey the joy this man gets from monkeys doing monkey things.

Saturday was fascinating. Cuddlebug and I were supposed to hang out with Item 9, but the latter woke up sick and had to postpone. So instead we scooted over to Space Kitten's house.

Cuddlebug loves to argue, and Space Kitten has a degree in Philosophy, so Cuddlebug showed up ready to go. And the first time he threw out a philosophical term, Space Kitten was like "...well, no," and then I spent a long time sitting on the couch listening to dudes argue about philosophical concepts and swooning into the mantle of the motherfucking earth.

There was philosophy talk, there was witchy talk, there was looking through tarot cards with pictures of nude guys on them, there was a good 10 minutes where I was just smelling different incense, there was staring at pretty lights, there was much adoration of Space Kitten's actual cat, there was discussion and eating of something that may or may not have been Italian food, there was couch cuddling, there was lengthy back-and-forth (both literally and figuratively over my head) about various and sundry RPGs that I'm not at all familiar with. All in all it was probably the best night ever. I'm always so happy when I'm able to successfully get my friends together!

Then we drove home and Cuddlebug spent a solid hour loudly (ofc) pitching various anime series to me (Death Parade, Psycho-Pass, Death Note, Kaiji, and like a million others I can't remember). We were supposed to drive thru somewhere for me to get food but I forgot until we pulled up to his house. I was just gonna say fuck it and go to bed, but he made me get back in the car so he could take me to Taco Bell. A gem, this one.

That's all for now! Things are going really well, honestly. Tomorrow I want to look at some weird dudes.

Feel free to submit asks and suggestions.

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crazycrackersworld · 2 years

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Up, dressed, in my truck, and on the road before the sun is up, again. Sleep maybe someday I'll remember what that is, probably not anytime soon.

Oh maybe if I'm lucky 2 hours of sleep last night headache sick vomiting blood, you know the usual.

Now that she's on the mend I'm sure she slept just fine of course I don't think she's ever lost a minute of sleep over me, but I suppose that's a good thing for her. There's just certain things I don't understand, and I don't understand how she can say and do some of the things she says and does and then pull what she did yesterday I don't understand it.

Last week when she sent me some message about how she can be cold and detached and not carrying her something like that and I sent her a message back telling her that I can be cold and detached too and now you're going to see that, and right away is she called me tell me that's not what was happening here or something she's worried or nervous that I was going to become cold and detached days later she says things and does things that give me no choice but to be cold and detached why didn't she just let me do it last week?

I knew it was going to happen eventually I knew what road I was walking and where it was going to take me cuz I've walked it many times yet every time I said that that was going to happen she always asked what did she do or what did she say to make me feel that way nothing really just feeling I had in my gut I mean in the last two months there's been several times where I told her I was just going to stop I was going to stop talking, and basically told her or gave her permission or whatever to just stop talking to me every time I said that she got upset.

I don't understand how you can refer to Friday night as an awesome date how you could blow me a kiss good night before you went to bed after we video chatted send me pictures of your legs while you're in the bathtub and then wonder why I would get upset about what you said yesterday I don't blow kisses to friends and I certainly don't show Friends my naked legs when I'm in the bathtub and I would never do it to somebody who I knew wanted to be more than my friend but I guess that behavior is perfectly fine for her.

But I have a long day today 11 stops somehow I have to figure out how I'm going to get to my doctor appointment this afternoon cuz I need pills hopefully put me back on medication for my migraine cuz they have been getting worse and maybe he can give me something to help me sleep.

Still plugging away at my job every day and training, not as much as I should but training or at 5K I'm going to have to ramp up the training pretty hard though.

But I'm also kind of sort of half asleep and I've already almost been into car accidents and I've only been driving for 15 minutes if I do not off behind the wheel or just too tired to pay attention to something bad happens well putting this out there so that everybody knows and I had a crappy night why I had a crappy night because I believe there are consequences for your actions and for how you treat people and if I don't make it through today alive I'm not saying it's anybody's fault there are people who put bricks in that wall.

I'm told that you know it takes more than love and there's no way I'm ever going to change a certain person's mind about that, and I never said All You need is Love Beatles said that I didn't say that I do realize that when love is there you can work on almost any other problem though as long as there's still love and I totally believe that. But both people have to be willing to work on it and in this case both aren't. You know making sure she made it through that first day after the car accident at work and making sure she got home safe that night making sure she got to bed being supportive of her through that whole process that wasn't just love that was a dozen other things. Worrying about her and keeping an eye on her pack even sending her the oxygen monitor while she had the covid it wasn't just love that was other stuff too. So I don't understand how she can think that you know love is the only thing that's there, cuz I think that there's so much more but but I think doesn't really matter.

I live someplace where I don't hardly have any friends meeting people is not as easy now as it was when I was in my teens or my twenties I do have friends that I can talk to and that I can reach out to but they're all in Wisconsin it's not like I have anything when I can even go see him freaking movie with.

But I will just keep plugging along day after day like I have been this is why I told Katana that it doesn't necessarily get easier in life you just learn how to deal with the fact that it's not easy better.

I just really don't know how you can do so much for somebody and they can care so little they say that they do but if they did yesterday wouldn't happen but that's why I'm pretty certain I don't know what I'm certain of anymore. Right now I'm just going to try to get to the day without wrapping my truck around a f****** tree or crashing into something head on. And maybe I'll let you know how that goes at the end of the day.

#no sleep #insomnia #migraine #empty and hollow

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cookinguptales · 7 years

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Okay so weird question, but how exactly did you get diagnosed with POTS? I was diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome and partial arrhythmia a while ago, and it's only just recently that I've had a doc wonder if I have POTS. He didn't really tell me anything about POTS, and now I'm really lost! Do you think it's unlikely that I could get to be 21 and not be diagnosed?

Strap in, friend, because the story of how I got diagnosed is long and unpleasant.

So to start off, here’s a basic explanation of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It’s a syndrome, which means that it is a description of a collection of symptoms rather than an underlying cause. Frankly, doctors aren’t super sure why any of this happens, what exactly causes it, or even if it’s genetic or what. (But my mom, sister, and grandmother all show signs of mild POTS, so uh. It’s probably genetic.) The long and short of it, though, is that your blood vessels are supposed to automatically tighten or release in order to control blood flow. When you stand up, they tighten to counteract gravity and make sure blood stays where it should be. When you have POTS, your blood vessels don’t do what they’re supposed to do. Your autonomic nervous system stops controlling this tightening and loosening process, which means your blood flow is not being adequately controlled. (Also, there seems to be some research showing that #1, we tend to have more elastic blood vessels, which means they just expand when they fill up more – bad because that means your body can’t use blood pressure to regulate blood flow, either, and #2, we may not always have enough blood in our bodies to fill our blood vessels, so again, shitty blood pressure.) ANYWAY, what all this means in practice is that assorted parts of your body aren’t getting enough blood, or they’re getting too much blood. Blood does all sorts of important things for your organs, especially oxygenating them, so this really means that POTS is an “anything that can go wrong will go wrong” situation. Anything in your body that uses blood can go haywire at any time. And sorry to say, that’s everything.

Now, POTS is highly variable. Again, it’s a loose collection of symptoms, and those symptoms are different for literally every patient. POTS is actually super common in teenage girls, but it tends to be very mild and some teens (mostly boys, mind) completely grow out of it, so people often don’t even notice they have it. People only just started researching it and it’s still not talked about much, which, well, is probably due to sexism. I learned the hard way that teenage girls are not generally listened to when they complain about nebulous symptoms, especially if those symptoms have literally anything to do with hormones and menstruation. (Which POTS does. It’s…I think ¾ of all people who have it are biologically female, and onset usually accompanies periods of hormone fluctuation such as start of menstruation, childbirth, or start of menopause. Most sufferers get it in their teens when they start getting their period.) Like… It’s hard to really put this in a gender neutral way because I promise you, the reason doctors are shitty about POTS is tied to both the biological and societal effects of being female. That’s an aside though.

Anyway, tl;dr, it’s different for everyone and doctors think you’re nuts. When I was diagnosed, in the informational packet literally said “THIS IS NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD” because so many patients have been repeatedly told that. For me, I was actually uh. I don’t want to say lucky? But in some ways I guess, yeah, lucky. I have a really bad case of POTS with some really severe symptoms. I have a lot of digestion problems, extreme exhaustion problems, dizziness, faintness, anxiety/depression, pooling/tingling/coldness in extremities, and here’s the biggie – blindness. When I stand up, I often just straight-up go blind. (Or if I’m just sitting there doing fucking nothing if I’m on an airplane.) It was really bad especially when I was a teenager. It used to be like literally every fucking time I stood up. (We later found out it was because all the blood was draining out of my head bc gravity. Turns out your brain likes blood! This is also why it hurts so much.) Now, doctors ignored most of what I told them about exhaustion, trouble keeping down food, aches and pains, etc. I was repeatedly told “oh, well, that’s just part of being a teenage girl”. Like honestly, try telling someone that you have exhaustion, pain, and nausea relating to a period and see how seriously you get taken. Jesus.

BUT UH THEY COULD NOT IGNORE THE BLINDNESS. Like I don’t care how teenage girl-y you are, it is not normal to go blind on the regular! My doctors could not figure out what the hell was happening. And I do mean doctors. I got POTS when I was around 10, along with my period. I was diagnosed when I was almost 18. In the meantime, I was passed around between dozens of doctors and honestly? I was a guinea pig. They didn’t know what was wrong with me so I was subjected to constant barrage of tests and treatments that made me a hell of a lot sicker. I was going to like 3 different doctors a week, sometimes every day. There are very few medical tests I have not had at least once. Some of the treatments they tried, I later learned, carried a strong risk of addiction, permanent neurological damage, and death. I was a drugged-out mess trying to drag myself through 15 flavors of physical therapy every day. Like uh. In short, my teenage years weren’t…good…

I finally got referred to like my sixth neurologist, and the guy was like “okay, you have been passed around between neurologists, cardiologists, ENTs, sleep disorder specialists, etc. for YEARS and we don’t know what’s wrong, so it makes no sense to keep ‘treating’ you – so I’m gonna take some readings and send them (and you) to a research hospital”. And that’s what he did! He took me off all of my medications (leading to the kind of DTs that honestly possibly could have killed me; I researched a few of the medications later and let’s just say you’re not supposed to go off them cold turkey) and did some tests. He found out some stuff like my blood pressure moves around a lot when I stand up. And sometimes my blood pressure was as low as 60/40. (Yo, that’s almost dead. The nurse took the reading three times with two different machines bc she was freaking out, lmao.) So he referred me to Mayo Clinic.

Now, what I did not know before this was that Mayo was actually the clinic that had discovered (and still researched) POTS! They saw a lot of girls like me. They took some blood, did a few tests, and when I had my appointment with them, they knew in under a half hour that I had POTS. I…cried. A lot. haha. It was so bizarre how many things in my life were actually an indicator of POTS. They were like “do you often sit all folded up?” and I basically exclusively do – and often got in trouble for it in school – and they were like “yeah, that’s POTS, you unconsciously try to keep all your limbs tucked in to reduce how far your blood needs to go”. Which is, I guess, why I tend to lose sensation in my legs and/or have my feet turn purple when I sit in normal chairs. lol. “Do you ever get dizzy or black out when you stretch or yawn?” oh yeah. “Do you get really sick when you take hot showers?” almost died once or twice, check! “Do you get weak when you lift things above your head?” you betcha. “Do you have a lot of problems with heat and sunlight?” OH YES I DO. Living in Florida was hell. I’d be vomiting and unable to stand up after like 30 minutes outside in the summer. I still vomit and get migraines if I look at a sunset, when the sun is strongest. Sensory sensitivity, especially photosensitivity, is a thing with POTS.

The actual diagnosis of POTS is kind of difficult. They usually have to do a ton of tests to rule everything else out first. Then they’ll usually try a tilt-table test (they tilt ya and measure your heart rate to see if your heartbeat skyrockets to help battle your blood doing weird shit) or a sweat test (which I am told is supposed to be painless but was one of the most painful experiences of my life so maybe it was a POTS thing) or look at your pee and see if you’re hella dehydrated. If you have POTS, you’re pretty much always hella dehydrated. (Gross but important: a symptom I never mentioned bc I didn’t know how abnormal it was – it burned like HELL when I peed. Turns out I was grossly, dangerously dehydrated. My urine was so concentrated that it was literally burning my urethra. idk how this slipped by so many doctors, but drink some dang water!) So it’s really a combination of tests for diagnosis, and they have to know to look for it in the first place! More and more doctors know about POTS now, but when I was first diagnosed almost a decade ago (this February! :’) when I went to college none of the school doctors knew about it. My family doctor didn’t know. None of my specialists knew about it. They wouldn’t give me student vaccinations bc they didn’t know how they’d interact with my brain. lol. It’s better now, though! I recently got a new doctor when I left my school’s health system, and she knew what POTS was! I was so happy, haha. Once I had a doctor literally google it right in front of me, so it was uh. A welcome change.

All this is to say that getting POTS diagnosed can be hell!! And I could definitely buy that you’re 21 and haven’t yet been diagnosed, especially if you’re female. My recommendation is this: the main treatment for POTS is diet and exercise, and that can’t hurt even if you don’t have POTS. I shit you not. There’s no cure or anything, but you are supposed to drink A LOT of water (I drink over a gallon a day, and that’s on days I’m not dealing with the sun) and eat a LOT of salt (”as much as you can stand” was their exact wording) and wear compression clothing (spanx and compression socks help me) and try to keep your body as toned as possible. It’s really easy to get out of shape when you have POTS (god knows I did), but they recommend trying to keep your blood moving. (THOUGH, CAVEAT!! I put on a lot of weight since I got diagnosed, and I have to admit. It’s gotten my blood pressure to a healthier level. So idrk what to make of that.)

I’m not gonna tell you to start eating massive amounts of salt when I don’t know your body, but drinking water can’t hurt you. So if you suspect that you may have POTS, start drinking water. This is not a replacement for a treatment plan, but it can’t hurt you! It can only help! So while you’re working with your doctor, just drink a lot of water and see if it helps you feel better. It is like night and fucking day with me.

Finally, POTS has a high comorbidity rate with other issues. In other words, if you have a severe case of POTS, you probably don’t only have POTS. A common illness to have with POTS is EDS, or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It’s a type of hypermobility, which may be why your doctor is concerned. (I don’t have EDS, probably, but I do have some pain/movement issues that they’ve never been able to pin down, so there’s probably…something. idk.)

Here’s my advice. Work with your doctor to try and figure things out. Drink water. Make sure you have a good doctor whom you trust. Even after I got diagnosed, I regularly got medical professionals who believed this shit was all in my head. And try not to worry. Like I said, for most people who have it, POTS is extremely mild. If you change your lifestyle, you might not see many symptoms at all, and if you do, well. Work with that trusted doctor. Hit me up. I know a lot of ways to get a lot of salt in your body. lol

#long post #replies

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