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hippiepowrs · 2 months

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one night lookin' pretty

eddie munson x fem!metalhead!reader

you and eddie hate school dances, but you decide to go to the prom this year--with someone who isn't eddie. eddie does not like that, but can't say anything.

a/n: this is my first longer fic so i hope you like it. prom season is coming up so this is kinda self indulgent (as if all my fics aren't). this one is for all my weird girls out there! title from one night in the city by dio btw. :)

warnings: hurt/comfort. angsty for a while but gets fluffy. swearing. a guy being a total asshole to reader. reader wears a dress. reader and eddie both self-described as 'freak.' eddie being a jealous and insecure idiot. both are oblivious as fuck. eddie is REALLY dorky. eddie's backstory and parents--i did not read that book so i don't care if it's canon. idiots in love in the end. pretty cliche but i don't care!

wc: 3.8k

It’s prom night, and Eddie is sitting alone on his couch. Without you.

Usually, you guys skip every school event together in favor of watching a shitty movie and smoking half of his stock, but tonight was different. Someone asked you to the prom, and it wasn’t him.

He’s been acting off for the past two weeks, you noticed. He’s been quiet and snappy, and has been opting to jack up the stereo instead of talk on your drives home. When you asked him what was wrong, he pushed you away. So, you left him alone about it. He made it clear he wanted his space.

He didn’t even want to show up to see you in your dress. You called him last night to see if he would come over–he told you he was sick. He wasn’t fully lying, though. The thought of you going to that stupid school dance with that stupid school boy made him nauseous. It didn’t make sense to him. How did you switch your views on the prom so fast? Months ago, the two of you laughed at the idea of going. Now, you were dressed up all pretty, just like all those popular girls you claimed to hate. He had to watch that sleazy ass car pull into to the trailer park, right up next to his. He’d never admit that he watched you step out of your trailer with that guy, and wished it was him.

Being completely honest with yourself, your date isn’t even exactly your type. Todd isn’t some freak like you or your friends, but he isn’t a complete asshole either. He asked you in the hallway two weeks ago, and your instinct was to laugh at him. You laughed in his face, but he didn’t budge. He really wanted to take you to the prom, so you told him you’d go. It felt nice to be wanted. It was okay that he wasn’t some rock n’ roll dude like you’re into–it’s not like you’re marrying him. It’s just the prom.

You and Todd arrive at the Hawkins High gym, hand in sweaty hand. Pushing the anxiety clawing at your throat back down, you give him a smile as you walk to get your photo taken together. The frilly, glittery background reminds you that this place isn’t for you. Again, you push that down.

The music isn’t really your style, either, but everyone is having so much fun you feel the need to pretend. None of your friends are here, so you’re stuck. Maybe you should have pregamed, you think. Too late now. Todd pulls you onto the dance floor with a fervor you’ve never seen in him. You don’t understand how a person can have so much fun dancing to this shitty music. It’s a lot easier to get through when you pretend that Todd is Eddie, and you’re dancing to mixtapes in his room. You decide not to think about the implications of that right now. When the song ends, you offer to grab punch for the both of you. Maybe it’ll be spiked.

As you make your way back to Todd, you see him chatting with a few of his friends, and from this distance you can just begin to hear them.

“So, when do I get my twenty bucks from each of you? She’s totally ruining my reputation right now.” He laughs, and your stomach churns.

“Okay, yeah, you proved us wrong. You got her here, you danced, you win.” His friend confirms the fear that’s been looming over you like a dark cloud since Todd first asked you out.

“You at least better hold onto her long enough to get her home with you tonight, man!” Another friend cackles, and you think you’re going to vomit.

How were you stupid enough to think that he actually liked you?

God, you’re so gullible.

At least there’s nothing to lose now, you think. Walking over to him, drinks in hand, you dump both of them on his head. They splash on his stupid hair and drench his stupid suit. The music keeps playing. A few people turn to look. The room doesn’t stop for you like some trashy romcom. Everyone just keeps going.

Storming out to the parking lot, nothing can stop the burning tears from pouring down your face. You slump down against the brick wall, fabric of your dress sticking to the rough sidewalk. The warm spring air feels sticky on your cheeks. You wish you had stayed in with Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. You need to call Eddie. Todd drove you here, so it’s either Eddie or walk, and these heels already hurt enough. Your body feels like dead weight as you drag yourself to the payphone on the wall, punching in the number that’s engraved into your heart.

“Hey.” You greet, choked up. You’re trying to keep your composure. You know it won’t last long.

“…Hey. Havin’ fun with Mr. Popular?” There’s a bitterness to his tone. Usually he would’ve picked up on the fact that you were crying in a split second, but tonight he was too angry.

“Uhm, not really. Could you, uh,” you sniffle, blowing your thin cover, “pick me up? Like, now?”

You can almost hear his demeanor shift over the phone. A beat of silence passes.

“I’ll be right there.” He’s clearly still upset, because he hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. But his one-sided irritation can’t override the facts: he cares about you so much that he immediately hops in his van and starts speeding to the school, even faster than normal.

You sit back at the edge of the sidewalk, staring into the empty night over the parking lot. God, this is so cliché. Freak gets taken to prom as a joke; left crying outside. You know how pointless it is to cry over this guy. You don’t even care about him, to be honest. But it’s not really him you’re crying over. It’s the extensive disappointment you repeatedly put yourself through after expecting different results—it’s the fact that you haven’t stopped thinking about Eddie all night.

As you begin to probe deeper into the ethical implications of falling in love with your best friend, said best friend whips into the parking lot, tires skidding as he pulls right up to you and parks. He drives just how he lives his life—with a sense of urgency and passion you don’t see in many. His van stops diagonally in the middle of the pickup lane, and he hops out of the driver’s side door, so worried he can’t be bothered to close it before sprinting to your side.

For the past six minutes—which is Eddie’s new personal record on getting to the school from Forest Hills—his mind has been racing with every possibility of what could have happened to you tonight. Maybe Todd had another girl, or is just boring, or maybe you got totally Carrie’d and some assholes poured pig’s blood all over you. Not likely, but hey, you never know the determination of Hawkins’ resident assholes. At least if you got Carrie’d you’d look metal as fuck. That would be a good album cover. But that’s not the point. What he’s more worried about is the possibility that that dickwad touched you in any way. Just the thought is enough for him to completely light up—he got pretty close to breaking his steering wheel from how hard he was gripping it.

“What happened?” He tries to act nonchalant, but that’s something he’s never been good at.

Your head is held between your knees, looking down into nothingness. He’s staring daggers into the top of your head, and you can almost feel the fact that he wants to say ‘I told you so.’ Reluctantly, your wet eyes tilt upwards, the rest of your head following.

“Let’s just talk in the van.” He sighs.

You don’t budge. Your legs feel far too wobbly to imagine getting up right now. He has zero patience at the moment, it seems, as evidenced by the fact that he almost immediately picks you up bridal style and carries you directly to the passenger’s side of his van. He fumbles with the door handle for a second before setting you down gently in the seat. You watch him drag a frustrated hand over his face through the windshield as he walks back to his side, and although you know you didn’t do anything wrong, you’re worried that you did.

The engine roars into life, turning your seat into a makeshift massage chair. Eddie pulls out of the parking lot as quickly as he pulled in, but with a little more focus. He doesn’t turn his music on, which is a bad sign.

“It was a bet,” is all you can say, voice soft and defeated, “because, of fucking course it was.” You stare out the window, head tapping against the glass as he hits a pothole straight on.

“I told you that asshole was bad news.” His voice is laced with venom. He’s never been good at controlling his anger—especially when it has to do with you.

You stay silent. Anything you say right now will probably just piss him off more.

“Why do you—why do you always do this to yourself? You’re always finding these guys that just want to take you out to say they were able to take you out. They treat you like a fucking trophy.” He scoffs.

You look at him again, tears still silently falling. Even if you wanted to say something to that, you can’t seem to find your voice.

“I just don’t get it. You’re, like, totally perfect,” he coughs, gripping the wheel harder, “and these guys you find are total douches. You can do so much better.”

“It’s not like there’s anyone better around here,” you mumble while staring out the window, like some kid talking back to their parent for the first time.

“That’s not my point!” His yell rings out against the hum of the engine, the dull drumming being the only sound left as he hangs a sharp right turn. “I just don’t understand why you’re so eager to find some guy that you throw your morals out the door.” Eddie’s eyes dart to you for a moment before looking back at the road.

“I haven’t thrown my morals out the door.” You argue softly.

“Yes, you have! We always said we’d never suck up to the bullshit they want us to do, that we’d never let them turn us normal, and here you are at the fucking prom.”

“Eddie, it’s prom! It’s not like I fucking stabbed my mother!”

“We’re supposed to be the freaks! We’re Hellfire! We piss people off! That’s our whole thing! You can’t just—fuck—just throw that out!” He groans angrily, pulling into Forest Hills, slowing down as you near the Munson trailer.

“I’m not throwing it out.” You say, much more firmly.

“You’re throwing me out!” There it goes, the root of the entire issue. He’s always been worried that you’ll find someone cooler, someone less abrasive, someone who will make you laugh and smile more than he can. Logically, he knows that would never happen, but he can’t help his fear. He throws the van into park and slams the door as he gets out.

Eddie was eight when he met you. He’d been living with Wayne for a little over a year by the time you moved next door, but he was still struggling. His mother left him first, then his father. He missed his mom a lot, but his dad probably caused him more pain, knowing that he had the choice whether or not to stay, but Eddie wasn’t enough. Uncle Wayne was nicer to him than his father had ever been, but that can’t fix a broken kid.

Then one day, you showed up in your ratty hand-me-downs, a year and a half younger than him. He thought that girls had cooties, but you were different. You didn’t giggle or try to hide your gaze like the other girls did when they made fun of him to each other. Instead, you walked right up to him and said hi.

You were new, and you didn’t have the best clothes—he could tell you were probably going through something similar to him—so the kids at school kicked you to the curb. You were just as pretty as the other girls, he thought, if not prettier, as much as a seven-year-old can be. But that didn’t really seem to matter to them. Your lunchbox was plain, theirs had characters.

When the two of you got to be in junior high at the same time, him in the eighth grade and you in sixth, he thought for sure that you would find new, more popular friends. It was incredibly shocking to him that you’d rather hang out with some dorky boy with an ugly buzz cut who’s two grades ahead of you than the other pretty girls, but he wasn’t going to complain.

He’s lived with that fear constantly since then, always preparing himself to see you walking into school one day in some pastel sweater instead of your band shirts and battle vest. He knows you won’t, he knows you’re better than that, and he feels so guilty for always expecting the worst, but he can’t help it.

You hop out of the passenger’s side of the van, holding up the skirt of your dress like some elegant princess. But instead of some grand, ornate staircase, you’re simply walking up the concrete steps of the Munson trailer and following Eddie, who’s storming inside.

“Eddie.” You sound like a scolding mother, tears having dried up a few minutes ago, and you shut the door behind you. “Why do you think so lowly of me?” Your voice cracks with the weight of the question.

Eyes widening, Eddie never realized quite how much his thoughts could affect you until right now. “I don’t,” he says softly. “You’re the best person I know.”

“You say that, but you always think I’m gonna leave you for someone else. You’re my best fucking friend. I’m not just gonna cut you off at the drop of a hat.”

“I- I know that,” he stammers out, a little shaken.

“Do you?”

“Look, I,” he sighs, finally turning around, “I’m just scared. I’m scared that one day you’ll wake up and realize how fucking lame I am, and you won’t want to deal with me and all my bullshit anymore.”

“The world isn’t against you, Eddie.”

He opens his mouth to quip back something snarky, but he closes it as he thinks about your words again.

“You hate yourself so much that it’s beginning to rub off on me, because I’m friends with you, and if I like you, you think that surely there’s something wrong with me, too.”

He’s stunned into silence, your words stabbing him straight through the heart.

“Can you at least tell me why you were being a dick for the past few weeks?” You switch the subject slightly with a sigh.

Eddie takes a deep breath. “Because of Troy asking you to prom.”

“Todd.”

“Yeah, whatever. He was my problem.”

“Why were you mad at me for that, though?”

“I knew he was gonna hurt you.”

“You didn’t say anything about that, though. You just said he was an ass once and then pushed me away for two straight weeks.”

Standing in the middle of the dark trailer, Eddie is presented with two options: confess his lifelong, undying love for you, or don’t. He knows that the only good and honest explanation he can give you involves a love confession, and he hates lying to you. But one thing trumps the fact that he hates lying to you, and it’s that Eddie is a complete and utter pussy.

Eddie is, and always has been, a pussy. In middle school, you acted as his bodyguard—self-appointed, and very passionate—which only made him get bullied worse. You didn’t care. You’d defend him until the end of time. You’d take a hundred tugs to your ponytail or face-plants in the lunchroom so that he wouldn’t have to. You weren’t very loud or talkative in school, until it came to defending Eddie.

To Eddie, you’re this glowing beacon of light and hope in his life. Everything good comes from you. And if he confesses his feelings to you, and you don’t feel the same, that pillar comes crashing down.

But…what if? What if you did feel the same? That’s stupid, he thinks. Clearly you don’t, because otherwise you wouldn’t have gone to prom with another guy. And he’s sure you already know about his big, fat crush, and you’re choosing to act like you don’t notice.

“I’m sorry.” You can tell he’s nervous by the way he’s fingering riffs on the side of his thigh.

“You always get so upset when I talk to guys. It’s not like there can be only one guy in my life.”

“I know that, it’s just–” This is going to be the worst decision he’s ever made, and he knows it, but he can’t stop himself. “--I’m jealous, okay?”

“Obviously you’re fucking jealous, dickweed.” As you call him your favorite nickname, the intent behind his words reaches you, and your cheeks begin to heat up. “…Wait.”

“Have you seriously not picked up on this yet?” Eddie is genuinely surprised at your reaction. “You—you’re perfect, you know that? You’re the coolest person I’ve ever met, and I don’t know how you do it.” His voice is softer than normal.

“Yeah, but—like, are you serious?” You ask.

“I wouldn’t joke about this. I’ve been, like, totally into you forever. I’m surprised Gareth or Jeff didn’t say anything to you.”

“They did a while ago, but I thought they were messing with me.”

“Okay, I honestly can’t blame you for that.”

A moment passes in silence, and you think about how to respond.

“You know, I didn’t really want to go with Todd.”

“What? Why did you then?”

“I hoped that you would ask me,” you admit, eyes drifting to your feet, “but it was kind of a stupid thing to expect.”

His jaw goes slack as he hears you speak.

“I guess that I’ve just kinda had this pipe dream where we’d go to prom together, and I’d be able to dress up all pretty, and we could dance together.” You avoid his gaze, until you hear him scurrying down the hallway.

He emerges back out with his stereo in one hand and a cassette in the other, scrambling to place it down on the kitchen table and shoving the tape inside. He immediately skips to the song he has in mind. The familiar sound of Tommy Lee’s piano starts from beside you, and before you can figure out what’s happening, he’s offering his hand to you.

“May I have this dance?”

A smile grows on your face. “God, you’re such a fucking dork.” Your insult doesn’t come without placing your hand in his. He’s bright red, and he’s never slow danced in his life.

Mötley Crüe’s Home Sweet Home is interrupted occasionally by the sound of feet stepping on feet and the subsequent ow!’s that follow, as well as the flustered giggling of two idiots in love.

Eddie pulls you a little closer, his hands firmly planted on your waist. “You look really beautiful tonight,” he murmurs, “sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

He feels extremely underdressed compared to you, him in his favorite torn up pair of black jeans and an Exodus muscle tee, and you in your stunningly gorgeous dress, looking prettier than any princess he could ever imagine.

“Thank you,” you mumble back, flustered, “you don’t look too—fuck!—too bad yourself, you know.” A playful giggle comes with your words, and a huge grin grows on Eddie’s face.

“Yeah?” He teases, looking right in your eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” you giggle, staring right back.

Leaning in, he lets out a nervous laugh before pressing his lips to yours. It’s not some magical explosion of energy that cures all your problems and fixes world hunger; but his lips are soft and warm, and he tastes like weed, gummy worms and a hint of shitty beer, and it feels right.

You kiss him a few more times before the song ends, all quick and chaste but completely full of love. Pulling you along with him, not wanting to let go, he pauses the tape and the trailer goes quiet again.

“Was I better at that than Troy?”

“Todd.”

“Point still stands, fuckface.”

Eddie drags you down the hall to his bedroom, the familiar ambiance warming you like a comforting blanket. Jumping onto the bed with a plop, the boy pats beside him invitingly.

“Can I change first?” You ask, ecstasy of the moment wearing off, allowing you to remember how itchy this damn dress is.

“‘Course. Your shirt is clean if you want it.” He calls it your shirt, but it was his at one point. The old Metallica tee used to be his favorite one, too, which meant it got a lot of wear and tear. But then you started wearing it at sleepovers, and it quickly became your shirt. Eddie didn’t like to wash it afterward because it smelled like you. He always felt like a creep for that.

Your hand tries its best to wrap around and pull the impossibly tiny zipper down, but it doesn’t want to budge. Eddie, watching you as intently as ever, quickly notices and jumps up to help you. His fingers move to your waist, soft and nimble, and gently undo the zipper for you. You let your dress fall to the ground, and he looks away, flustered. It’s not like he hasn’t seen you in your underwear before, but now it feels a lot more serious.

Quickly throwing on the hole-filled Metallica shirt and a clean pair of his boxers, both of you hop back into his bed. You’ve shared plenty of nights here before, but once again, now it feels different. You sense that it will become a common theme for your life in the near future. His hands snake back around your waist and pull you next to him, and you allow your head to rest against his chest.

“So… does this mean you’re, like, my girlfriend now, or what?” A goofy smirk is plastered across his face as he asks.

You try to playfully shove him off of you, to no avail. “Are you seriously fucking asking me that?” You’re trying so hard to act angry, but your giggles give you away.

“Yes, yes it does.” You seal it with a kiss. Then one on his cheek, and the other, and his forehead, and the tip of his nose.

reblogs and notes always appreciated! | requests are open!

#hes such a dork you cant convince me otherwise #like he would be sooooo corny #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #stranger things #stranger things fic #stranger things x reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #hurt/comfort #eddie munson hurt/comfort

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deadsetobsessions · 4 months

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He doesn’t know how they got here, but Jason’s thankful for it. It’s not often that he speaks to Cass, when Jason’s passions are words and righteous murder and Cass’s passions are distinctly not that, but when they do speak, they manage to get along. Somehow.

“So, why don’t you kill?” Jason leans back on the couch, his favorite mug filled with Alfred’s hot chocolate.

Cass is curled against the arm of the sofa. She looks at him, head tilted. Jason knows she’s reading him, but he’s not sure what she’s finding. It’s humbling, and intimidating, to know she sees more than what he allows to show.

“I can see,” she says. “That one time… I killed. I saw. Pain. Fear. Desp- des- not wanting to die.”

“Desperation?”

Cass nods. One of her fingers fiddle with the material of the couch. Jason knows she’s allowing him to see the motion. He knows it’s her silent way of showing him trust.

“There is more. To dying. Like… like they see their lives-They think- remembers. Loves. Their life- regret, love, everything. It goes through-” Cass taps her temple.

“Their lives are flashing through their heads?”

“Yes. Good. Bad. Everything. I see.” Quieter, Cass adds “I know. I know them, then. I killed a life that I know. They love. Everyone, have something they love. I kill, I kill that love.”

“That must suck.”

Cass leans back. She nods, neck releasing their tension and eyes less hunted, more accepting.

“Yes. I don’t want to- I don’t want to be the end.” Cass swivels her shoulders towards him, now. “Why… why do you?”

“Me?” Jason… hasn’t thought about it for a while, nor too deeply. But this is Cass. And her honesty deserves an honest reply. “I kill because some people shouldn’t be left alive to hurt and kill others”

“Not about… Bruce?”

Jason took a sip of his hot chocolate. Cass settled more into the couch, her eyes clear and watchful.

“It used to be,” he admitted. “About him, I mean. It used to be about vengeance. But then I came back to Crime Alley, and then I saw the kids getting hurt instead of being protected. They’re innocent. And then, it wasn’t about Bruce anymore. Killing is just the means to an end now, for me.”

“Do you- not regret?” She makes a gesture at his leg, where on a normal day, his holsters would be.

“I try to make sure I don’t kill people I’d regret, no. Like, you know how sometimes you guys arrest muggers?”

Cass nodded.

“Sometimes,” Jason said, remembering the days of digging through trash for food and the lingering hunger that rumbled through his younger self’s stomach. “They mug people because they’re desperate. I don’t kill those guys. But people deal to kids? Who hurt sex workers? Rapists? They’re doing irreparable harm, with full knowledge of their actions. For profit, mostly. If they’re willing to ruin lives, then they should be ready for their own to be ruined. It’s justice, for people like me.”

Cass studied him. “Justice…?”

“The only kind us Alley kids could ever appreciate. Arresting an abuser, a threat, and having that stick is for the privileged. Having that threat removed completely is relieving.”

“Can’t trust the world to be fair. But death, is fair.”

“Yeah. I think if I saw as much as you do, it’d be harder to do. But I think I’d still kill, because one person’s suffering after a life of being evil is worth the safety of so many others. To know… well, I guess I’m glad I don’t know what that’s like.”

“I see.”

“I know you do,” Jason grins at her. “But not killing is an act of courage too. Even if B makes it seem like it should come instinctually.”

“Yes. He does not connect, with Damian. Does not understand, fully, how hard. To unlearn.”

“Yeah.”

They sit in silence for a while after that, listening to the sounds of their family clambering around in other rooms.

“Hey, Cass?”

Cass turned back to him.

“I would kill David Cain for you.”

He would. It makes the Pit seethe when he thinks about how much David Cain and Lady Shiva hurt Cass for her to get this insanely good at reading people. He hopes she sees the pure honesty and sincerity he feels at that declaration

Cass puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezed once. Twice.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“No objections?”

“… would not feel too bad.”

Jason snorted.

“Yeah. You and me both.”

He doesn’t know how they got here, but he’s thankful for it anyways, because he understands his sister just that much more now.

#cassandra cain #black bat #Jason Todd #red hood #they have different philosophies #but theyre family your honor #cass would stop jay from murdering people if she sees him #he’d let her bc he’s not gonna win that fight #he’d also go back and kill whoever later #David Cain #being a horrible parent I hate this guy #dc #Cassandra Cain seeing someone’s emotions as they die #she doesn’t want to be a weapon #Batman

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munivrse · 6 months

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⋆⭒˚｡⋆ Too close

closeted bada, bf-to-ex howl, secret gf y/n.

c/w: angst. angry howl, homophobia, minor and very, very minor physical harm done to bada. closeted bada, out and proud reader. its alooooot of angst. some comfort at the end though so don't worry!

a/n: the characters depicted are not related nor based off of their personalities in real life. this is purely fiction. also shout out to @wrosie-writes. they wanted to see anti howl fic. they ask, they shall receive. enjoy!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

"are you okay?"

bada hears howl, but she's more concerned with the contents on her phone than she is with him.

"i'm fine." bada tries to make it sound as believable as possible.

“i don’t get you.” howl glares at her, eyes boring into the back of her head.

“...what are you talking about?”

“you and y/n. you’re just really close with her. you confide in her, you trust her. it kind of pisses me off if i’m being honest.”

bada moves her focus from the tv to howl who stands behind the couch she sits on. she looks at him incredulously. why is he bringing this up now?

“what prompted this?”

“you. i know you’re texting her right now.”

bada challenges him, “and if i am?”

howl rolls his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. he was so fucking fed up with you. every chance you got, you were with howl and bada. howl felt like you were intruding all the time, meanwhile, bada told you to not be a stranger. he was angry.

“i want you to stop talking to her.”

bada fully turns around and blinks up at him, “what?”

howl’s eyes narrow, “you heard me. stop talking to her.”

bada shakes her head, “i shouldn’t have to choose. don’t make me choose.”

howl stands firm and bada almost caves. a part of her loves howl. another part of her loves you, deeply.

bada stands up and tries to walk around him. what the fuck was she supposed to do? why was he putting her in this impossible position?

“lets go to bed and talk about this in the morning. please.”

bada continues walking towards their shared bedroom but howl stops her. he grabs hold of her wrist and pulls, “don’t walk away from me. you’re avoiding this.”

she wrenches her hand out of his grip and rubs at her wrist. he’d never done that before and it hurt. it hurt.

“i just don’t want to talk about it right now.”

howl frowns and tries to grab at her again but bada dodges his advancement toward her. she shifts to the other side of the island in their kitchen.

“i dont like this.”

she felt scared. small.

howl raises his voice, “you know what i don’t like? watching my girlfriend be mentally intimate with another person. you’re not even fucking her, you just care too much about her. you pour yourself into her instead of me. god, bada, we havent had sex in weeks! you barely let me hold your hand. Is it y/n? is she forcing you to do something you don’t want to do?”

bada’s jaw drops momentarily. but her shock is replaced with anger and frustration. distress and confusion. “what did you mean by that last part?” she leans forward and places her hands on the surface in front of her.

“you heard me. i know y/n likes women. is she coming on to you? you know i don’t like that and i can make her stop if you want me to. just say the words.”

bada shakes her head, confusion still drawn on her face, “you can make her stop? how? and what do you think it is that she could possibly be doing? what’s so wrong with her liking women?”

howl puts his head in his hands. he couldn’t believe how dense bada was acting. it’s like she didnt understand that-

“i don’t like that about her. you know that doesn’t sit right with me. i can take care of it. of her.”

fear pools in the bottom of bada’s stomach. she gets nauseous and thinks carefully about her next words as they mean alot for your own personal safety. she did not want to compromise that. she… she did not want to compromise herself either. she tries to act passive and pulls out her phone. she sends you a quick “sos” and sets her phone on the counter.

“you don’t need to take care of anything. stop worrying about it. about me. about her. everything is fine. i’m tired baby, can we please just let this go for the night?”

she glances down as she sees the texts coming in from you.

are you okay?

please answer me.

are you at howls?

its late, i need to know if you’re safe

i see your location, i’m on the way

*y/n has shared their location with you*

i’ll be there in 10 minutes. if it’s howl messing with you again, i swear to god i’ll take that fucker out tonight.

howl rounds the corner of the island and takes steady strides to bada and she stumbles back, praying that you show up sooner rather than later.

“you don’t see how she’s fucking with your head? she doesn’t love you like i do, bada.” howl reaches a hand up to bada’s face.

bada shakes in fear, its creeping up her spine and she can feel his breath on her face. he’s too close.

he’s too brave.

bada takes his hand in hers and places it back down by his side,

“you don’t love me howl. I’m something for you to show off like a trophy to your friends. I have no real meaning to you. you dress me up and make me out to be whoever you want me to be, but i’m not her. I’m not the girl you want me to be so desperately.”

bada straightens up for the first time in a couple months and she laughs as she realizes - her and howl stand at the same height. it makes her chuckle in his face. she advances towards him instead and now, the tables turn. howl looks almost… disturbed? shocked? he’d never seen bada be so… firm. so confident.

“y/n lets me be myself. fully. she accepts every part of me without question. her love is unconditional with no limit. no ceiling. there are no dealbreakers- she just loves me. howl i cant even wear sweatshirts around you without you saying i’m not being feminine enough. i’m not pretty enough. but y/n? it doesn’t matter what the fuck i have on because its me. and she loves me regardless.”

bada’s phone dings again and as she looks down at it, its you.

i’m parked, i’m in the elevator going to your floor now

bada walks around howl to their bedroom, he follows.

“where do you think you’re going?” howl crosses his arms.

bada grabs her emergency bag, only needing a couple items since you already had half of her wardrobe at your apartment. “i’m going out. i’m not sure when i’ll be back.”

she exits the bedroom and makes her way to the door,

“and let me just tell you this, howl. If it came between you and y/n, i will always choose y/n. without question.”

and as if on cue, the doorbell rings. bada swings the door open to reveal you in a pair of sweatpants and one of her sweatshirts draped on your body. bada tries her best to shield howl from your sight and exit as swiftly as she possibly can given the situation, but howl grabs her arm and yanks. you hear bada hiss, and as soon as you lay eyes on howl, you feel rage encompass your entire being. you step into the door and remove his hand from her arm, pulling bada from out of the door frame and behind you.

“how dare you lay your fucking hands on her? are you kidding me?” you take a step forward but bada pulls you back and intertwines her hand with your own, “let’s go y/n. please”

howl’s body is slumped, insecurity swallowing him whole. you can't help but laugh at him. he was such a fucking idiot. you turn around and scan bada for any harm, luckily, she seems fine other than being a little shaken up. you lean up to give her a kiss on her cheek and take one last look at howl. pathetic. you both turn to walk away and howl hopes bada turns around to look at him, show any waver of uncertainty. but she never looks back, she just moves forward. with you.

──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

your fingers twirl through bada’s hair. she’d changed into comfy clothes once you guys got home and now she’s sprawled out on top of you, head laying on your chest.

“you okay?” your hand pushes the hair out of her face. you feel her nod. she shifts so that her head is resting upright.

“i am now.” she grins up to you, pressing her lips against your own. she really meant it this time.

#bada lee #bada lee x reader #bada lee smut #smut #bada x reader #swf 2 #fuck howl #not irl #but still fuck depicted howl #swf 2 x reader #lee bada x reader #lee bada #street woman fighter x reader

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the-s1lly-corner · 6 months

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AAAAA

TDAC X PUPPET!READER

Hear me out

Reader is like puppet from fnaf, their character being very similar to puppet, them having the same voice and powers? Yknow Puppet flies fast as HELL and etc, Reader most of the time stays in the music box, and just gets out when really wanted or needed, for example: when theres an IHA or when someone needs them for something.

TADC x puppet!reader !

ashamed to admit this but i have not touched fnaf outside of security breach, recently at least. the last time i was fully invested in the fnaf lore was when fnaf 4 had just dropped, so im quite literally relying off of your description like its a life line because i know how insane fnaf lore has gotten think imma answer this request then take another short break since my lower back is starting to get sore from sitting all day; gotta go stretch my legs too

CAINE:

you do have your own room, of course, but you tend to usually stay in your music box; of which you came with when you first entered the digital world... which was a little odd, but hey its not the strangest thing that anyone here has seen! i like to think that sometimes caine comes to your box at night and tries to will you out so he can get to know you more. leave it to the ai to fall for the mysterious circus member who rarely leaves their box... i think sometimes he would hum and sing along to the music your box makes

POMNI:

the first time you rush out of your music box it takes her off guard, almost making her fall off her feet when you dash right by her to do... whatever was required of you at that moment in time. if she were being honest, she didnt think you were a real person, she had always assumed that you were an npc; it wasnt unheard of that caine would have npcs stationed about for in house adventures, or to man the carnival..! though i dont think she would interact much with you, considering you rarely interact with the others; what use would it be to pester you?

JAX:

honestly before realizing you literally live and sleep and mostly exist in the music box, he probably puts stuff on top of your box... accidentally trapping you inside it. well, actually trapping wouldnt be accurate because you ended up brute forcing your way out, literally sending everything that was on top of the box flying; scaring just about everyone in the room. imagine trying to find out whos faster; you or jax.. i mean, have you seen how fast jax bolted when they found out koufmo abstracted?

RAGATHA:

always tries to ask you if you want to join in on the in house adventure, she doesnt want you to feel left out or unwelcome; even though most times you willingly back out of the activity. though, she feels relieved and even smiles when you spring out of your box to join in on the action... at least she knows you havent abstracted... brain stimulation is important, you know!

KINGER:

he finds some comfort in the music, slowly but surely as the days pass he moves his pillow fort closer and closer to your box before eventually hes right next to you. sometimes even naps, leaning against it. though he does immediately scamper off when you suddenly lunge out to race towards whoever is calling for you. at least he can count on you to have his back in moments of danger or fear!

ZOOBLE:

usually stays in their own lane, but for one reason or another they need help during an IHA, and their yelps and incoherent speech was enough to catch your attention. be it gloink or otherwise, you obliterate the problem; effectively haunting zooble for the rest of their life by your actions... but hey, it feels... nice, having someone you can rely on

GANGLE:

character who is soft spoken and shy meets character that rarely leaves their box when its not needed or necessary; how could a relationship, romantic or otherwise, be fostered in conditions such as this? oddly enough, the silence between you two brings you together, the music keeping the silence from becoming overwhelming. i like to think that sometimes gangle leaves you little notes, choosing to write rather than verbally speak... best not to ruin that special quiet the two of you have learned to share

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x reader #pomni x reader #jax x reader #ragatha x reader #kinger x reader #zooble x reader #gangle x reader

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gay-dorito-dust · 7 months

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Hey🤍 may I please request a fluff/romantic or Bi Han. I know a lot of people don’t think he is capable of being romantic but a girl needs some fluff for Bi Han please. Maybe something were he is sweet and caring only towards reader and everyone else he is normal Bi Han. Love your writing thank you🤍

This got shoddy at the end of the drab. 🦦

You were lost within your own head for while when Bi-Han had appeared at your side, gingerly taking your hand within his own, drawing a gasp from your lips as you felt his cold fingers intertwine with yours. ‘Bi-Han. You’re here.’ You breathed out, smiling instantaneously upon being greeted with the beautiful dark eyes of the man you had happily promised your heart to. Your grasped his hand tighter, almost as though you were checking if he was actually with you, rather then some illusion you’ve coincidentally conjured up.

‘Of course I’m here, little bird.’ Bi-Han told you whilst pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, letting them linger there for a while before pulling away to gently rest his forehead against your own. His eyes locked on yours, as though he were fearful to look away in the instance that you wouldn’t be there when he looked back. ‘For I could never be content as to keep you waiting for longer then needed.’ He adds as he took this moment to ingrain you eternally within his mind, so that he may never forget who he was fighting for, who he was carving a better future for and who he would vigorously defend till his last breath escaped from him.

Gods did Bi-Han hate being separated from you for long periods of time, truly believing that one day Kuai Liang and Tomas would try to enact revenge for his supposed betrayal, by taking away the one person who gave him true purpose in this life; you. However he couldn’t completely disregard his duties as Grandmaster, for it would be sacrilege. Bi-Han was forever grateful that you never held that against him, and instead fully understand that he couldn’t fully commit to being your lover when there was so much work yet to be done.

‘If it was for you?’ You inquired. ‘I’d wait for as long as I must to see my beloved home safe and sound. So you needn’t worry in keeping me waiting.’ You finished as you then softly pecked his plush lips, cooing softly once pulling away from him, enjoying how Bi-Han fruitlessly attempted in following after your lips. For a man as cold as ice he was quite warm and gentle, but you knew he was only like this for you and you often times felt spoilt by being blessed to see this side of him; The side of him that would constantly hold you face in between his hands when checking you for injuries, his thumbs stroking the skin of your cheeks with such gentleness, as though he thought you were going to break. You even saw Bi-Han during his most stubborn and his most angriest of moments and yet still you called him the most breathtaking man you’ve ever met because to you that was the honest truth.

‘I just don’t want to wish you being bored of me when I come home.’ Bi-Han admitted softly. ‘You deserve a man who is willing to be at your beck and call, to be with you from the early hours of morning, to the later hours of night. You shouldn’t have to settle for less because you feel as though that’s all there is going for you, and instead you should strive for more for you deserve more, way more then any man could possibly give.’ Bi-Han truly meant what he said, he truly believed that you deserved better, never to tolerate less, for he felt like he wasn’t giving you all that he possibly could and it pained him greatly because you’ve him so much throughout the duration of your relationship.

Bi-Han only felt as it was only reasonable to give you an out shoulder you feel as though you weren’t being valued enough, as he always tended to put you and your well-being first and foremost in just about everything. But you saw what he was doing almost instantly and you weren’t about to allow Bi-Han to make a offer a solution that’ll only end up hurting the both of you because despite his tiering duties as Grandmaster, he was a dedicated, loyal and caring lover. You couldn’t have to ask for a better man and never would for Bi-Han was it for you, he was the one.

‘Bi-Han.’ You murmured, taking your free hand to hold his cheek, stroking it reassuringly as you watched him visibly relax within your hold, moving his head to kiss your inner wrist. ‘To be bored of you would be like to be bored of living for while you are a very busy man, you are the most attentive, sweet, caring man I have ever met.’ You pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose before brushing your nose against his, breathing him in as deep as you could. ‘Not once have you ever made me feel less important or less valued. Never. You made me feel worshiped, you made me feel loved, you always found room for me within your busy schedule, and I could never find a appropriate way to express my gratitude to you but I hope to everyday.’ You concluded, hoping that you had gotten your point across that you weren’t going anywhere without him.

‘You don’t need to express anything to me, my beloved,’ Bi-Han reassured you, kissing your inner wrist once more. ‘For the sole fact that you still being here with me despite all my flaws is the biggest gesture I could have ever received and I’m eternally thankful that you haven’t yet given up on me. Do it should be me expressing my gratitude, not you.’ Bi-Han finishes. ‘There’s no need for that.’ You assured him. ‘You’ve done enough and you’ve just gotten back from a long mission. You must be exhausted and in need of rest.’ You then began to pull Bi-Han towards your shared bed by his arm.

Bi-Han wasn’t one to complain, as it meant he got to make up for lost time by laying in your arms and leeching off of your warmth whilst putting his aching body to rest, something his soul had yearned to do the moment he return to the Lin Kuei. ‘That sounds perfect, little bird. That sounds perfect.’

#mk1 #mk imagine #mk x reader #mk1 x reader #mortal kombat imagine #mortal kombat imagines #mortal kombat x y/n #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat x you #mortal kombat 1 x reader #bi han imagine #bi han x you #bi han x y/n #bi han x reader #bi han imagines #sub zero x reader

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ariesmoontarot · 1 month

Text

𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝙽𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙:

(What it’ll be like, the energy they’ll give off, how they’ll feel about you, the purpose of this relationship, their next actions, & advice.) (For some of you this is a current relationship.)

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘴: (left to right)

♡book a reading here♡

Pile One:

Hey, pile one. It's clear to see your next partner will feel like they feel true love with you. You will be teaching them important life lessons, and because of the way you love them, it's going to help them see their worth. They may have been in unhealthy relationships in the past and I feel like with you they're able to let their guard down and be open. I feel like they had trust issues and settled for less than they deserved in their past relationships and in general, but with you they finally see what love should be like.

The connection between you and this person is definitely not new. This is someone you have history with. If you don't resonate you may want to choose a different pile. So, what I'm getting is that this person has been carrying a lot when it comes to how they feel. They haven't been letting you see how they feel, talking about it, or asking for help even though they feel like they need it. They're going to be feeling indecisive, confused, and second guessing themselves because they're scared of making a choice to commit or not to commit. They know they'll lose out on a good person, and I feel like for some of you, they're having a hard time choosing between you and another person, or whether they want to commit or not. It's like they have this one foot in one foot out energy. Whatever the case may be, I see this person trying to balance out their life. Financially, romantically, spiritually, and emotionally. Maybe even their family life as well. They're definitely going to be juggling a lot all at once and trying to keep everything under control. I feel like they haven't been taking any action or putting in effort into the relationship with you and it feels like they're a bit closed off and hesitant to open up to you because of their fear and insecurities. They could've been a player or was stuck in their ways and with you I feel like you made them feel something they've never felt and even if they hide it well from you, they feel deeply for you. For some of you this person will confess how they feel unexpectedly, and it won't happen right away. You may already or will be going through a period of hot and cold energy, ups and downs, talking then not talking until you guys finally come together. If you even want to be with them. I am seeing that you will feel tied to them still. For some of you, this person may be someone you have history with like I said, and you separated, and during that time they got with someone else but didn't fully commit to that person because they still felt for you, and you felt for them as well, but this wasn't ever said by them. Maybe by you though.

The energy of your person when you guys are going to be getting in a relationship will come off as them being very patient, career oriented, and ambitious. I feel like they're learning to think long term and more practical about the connection with you. In the past they may have not been someone who normally committed or really invested their time and energy into the right things. I feel like they used to think in a more temporary way and let their immaturities and bad habits get in the way. They're going to be the one to initiate having a committed relationship with you because I feel like it aligns with their goals and plans that they have for their future. They see you being a part of it, and I feel like they weren't an honest person in the past. They used to be very sneaky and maybe even deceptive. They also never expressed how they truly felt to anyone because of their own fears. I feel like they'll be wanting to heal with you and spend time alone away from others, meaning blocking the outside noise and interferences out so they could focus more on the relationship with you and bettering themselves. I feel like they will feel very frustrated with themselves because they allowed disruptions and third-party situations to get in the way of them showing up and being there for you. They will be strengthening their faith and cleansing themselves of all the things that got in the way of the relationship and their growth. They will have faith that things are going to get better, and I see them being confident in their approach and wanting to build a home and the create the feeling of success with you. I feel like when they think of their best self they think of you. They only feel like their best when they're around you and you remind them of love. (I literally cried on this part). I feel like you are what they need in a healthy way. You encourage them and inspire them to be better. I see them definitely surprising you and unexpectedly coming clean about how they feel about you.

I feel like this person was very superficial and let materialistic things including their ego control them. This affected the relationship between you guys because they weren't being as genuine as they should have been. I see them feeling bad and really guilty because they know you're the victim in a sense. They know they messed up and they can't run from it anymore. You could have left them because you were fed up with how they acted and treated you. I feel like this triggered them and they realized like "damn they really leaving me." When you guys are getting into this commitment with each other all of this will be on their mind. The history, how they made you feel, how they want to change, and how they want to treat and love you the way you deserved to be loved. They ignored the love and passion they felt for you because it was too intense. Not in a bad way either, they just couldn't handle it. I feel like they don't want to let you go. They don't want to lose you and they will feel a bit powerless because I feel like they're insecure. They don't know if things will work between you guys, but they want them to. I feel like they lack the confidence because your answer or how you feel will determine whether or not you guys are really done. They will be a bit scared of coming towards you and expressing how they feel, but they will. They want to heal and let go of the past. They also want you to heal and they know how much they've disappointed you. I feel like they were feeling so ashamed because you were good to them, and they took you for granted. They trust you; they love you, and they feel like you are the one for them the timing just wasn't right in the past. They want to protect you and the relationship from anything that tries to destroy it again, even themselves. They don't want to hurt you anymore and I feel like they genuinely want to change their life for the better to be able to have you in it. I feel like they cry about you a lot as well.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach the both of you valuable lessons about your self worth, faith, and life in general. I feel like you both will learn forgiveness, honesty, and how to really be your genuine selves. You both argued a lot and I feel like there was so many harsh words said, and painful experiences learned throughout the connection itself and even not being involved with each other, but still being on and off, you both learned lessons with other people and situations too. I feel like for them the lesson was way bigger than it was for you just because they've genuinely never felt deep love and a real connection with someone. That's not to say you felt any different than they do, but it hit them really deep and took them a lot longer to catch on to the truth of their feelings, let alone the connection itself. You both will learn that good things take time and they're challenging. Sometimes you gotta go through hell and back just to find peace. This relationship will lead to commitment and marriage and give the both of you what you really need out of a connection. I also feel like the connection happened so suddenly for the both of you and it was a miracle. Like it was divine intervention when you guys met each other. Could've even been at a party or through a cousin and/or friend. It caught the both of you off guard and neither of you expected to fall in love with each other or to be where you are in the point of time when you're actually committing to each other for the long run. Some of you will even have kids together and things will feel so surreal, almost like a dream come true. I feel like things were going really good in the beginning and maybe even a little too fast and you both needed to learn big lessons so God took the connection and started created situations and experiences so that way you guys can both slow down and start paying attention to the things you needed to see. It may have felt like the worst things started happening and the relationship just started to fall apart out of nowhere, but really it was coming together, and your old lives were changing massively and the energies that kept you stuck were being purged and released. I feel like you both learned to have faith and to trust in divine timing and not your own. It's like God placed you two together and even when you tried to run from them, you couldn't. It's the same way for them. Neither of you can explain the connection or how you feel about each other, but it's deep and it's real.

Your person's next actions will be taking responsibility for their decisions. I feel like they know everything they did to hurt you and all that stuff. I see them wanting to make up for it and they will through their actions literally. There will be challenges of course and a lot of conflict surrounds your person in some way. I feel like there's just obstacles and difficulties they will be dealing with and trying to overcome within themselves and in their life. They are going to restore balance and harmony in the relationship, it's just going to take patience and perseverance and they want to know if you're on board or not, so I see them communicating to you what it is they want and waiting for your response. I also feel like they're going to be tapping into their intuition to try and feel your energy in some way. Like they're going to be trying to read you and look deeper into what you say and do because I feel like you are a bit mysterious and they want to know what's on your mind and what you're doing, feeling, who's around you, and everything. I feel like they're a bit nosey because they care whether or not you're entertaining someone else or if there's something bothering you, they just care about the small things, and they don't want to miss a detail or accidentally miss that you are upset or struggling in some way and just not showing or telling them. I also feel like if you were unfaithful to them in some way, they are going to be working on healing from this. If that doesn't resonate, they're releasing past trauma and fears due to deception that happened in their past. They're also scared of trusting you because of their own deception and how they mistreated you. They don't want you to take revenge or somehow get back at them for hurting you. I also feel like it's hard for them to get through to you. You can come off as very cold, detached, and not revealing too much when you're upset, and they don't want you to leave them so I see them doing all they can to mend things with you.

The advice for you is to learn from your past, use your wisdom and discernment moving forward. Know that endings bring new beginnings and it's time for change. This relationship will change and grow from where it is currently and so will you. Embracing change and learning to live life open mindedly will help you. Letting go of pessimistic feelings and feelings of resentment, apathy, and bitterness will benefit you and the relationship itself. Being happy on your own and learning to embrace your own company and feeling content within yourself no matter what. You will be successful and when you allow yourself to feel accomplished and happy you will start to manifest changes in all areas of your life. I see a wish fulfillment happening and Spirit is saying to allow the energy of expansion into your life. Do new things that bring you joy, connect with others, be open to change, and embrace the lessons you've learned. You gotta learn to open yourself up wholeheartedly. It's also important to embrace the present moment and allow yourself to feel joyful and abundant. Have more gratitude and compassion towards yourself and others.

Pile Two:

Hey pile two! I feel like your current or next partner will be someone who felt love at first sight with you. They could definitely love your smile and same for you about them. I feel like there is a very deep spiritual connection between you guys and none of the superficial things can get in the way of that. You both love each other deeply and you'll be very supportive of each other in every way. I also feel like this person will be someone you can always depend on to be there, and they'll always be your biggest fan, lifting you up when you're down, investing in you, and I feel like quality time will be a big thing between you.

The relationship between you guys will move very gradually. It'll take some time, effort, and patience to build up the momentum. However, I feel like the attraction and connection will happen very quickly. Things will be very passionate, and I feel like they'll be caring, charismatic, and show you exactly how they feel about you, boldly. I see both of you balancing and healing each other in the places needed. They will be someone who is very mature and they know exactly what they want and how to get it. Not in a bad way. I also feel like sexually there will be intense chemistry and it'll be very exciting. This could be a new person for a lot of you. I see them showering you with love, affection, and attention. They definitely want to provide for you, support you, and lead you in a good direction. I feel like things will be so peaceful and flow almost effortlessly, but of course you both have to put in effort. This relationship will be divinely guided, and I feel like there is this telepathic, magical, feeling you get with them. It's like you connect very deeply in every way and sometimes you know what they're going to say or do before they even do it. It's like you read each other's energy. I also feel like the third eye chakra is very significant. You may have had dreams about this person or intuitive nudges like yeah this is the one. I also feel like in the beginning, obviously commitment won't happen immediately. It's going to take time because you're both finishing certain cycles in your life and letting go of toxic behaviors and addictions. I feel like you may be frustrated in the beginning because you don't quite understand why things are happening the way they are and you may be facing obstacles that require you to have a great deal of patience and persistence. I feel like things won't be super emotional at first because you and this person are being pushed to focus on creating stability for yourselves and learning how to feel abundant without all the superficial things. Sometimes you both may wish you can just be together and forget all of the problems and responsibilities in the world. There is a lot you won't see in the beginning but give it time things will bloom when they're meant to.

So, the energy this person will give off is someone who is charming, exciting, idealistic, and very assertive and passionate. I feel like they will be experiencing a hard period of their life when you meet them. I feel like for some of you this is someone you already know who take it how it resonates, but there is distance and separation. I feel they may feel frustrated and moody because of it. Whatever they're going through, they're going to be quite overwhelmed and guarded over their feelings. I feel like they may be scared that you will leave them, and they've been in very toxic situations to where they're a bit co-dependent at times. There is an energy of co-dependency here. It could also be them fighting addictions and bad habits of co-dependency relating to a drug or specific thing that they indulge in. I see them being very loving, generous, and affectionate to you because they don't want to lose you. They're going to be open to receiving your love and anything you give them because they want a relationship with you. I do feel like you know things about this person that they're scared of, almost like they're assuming you may hold it against them. They may have been a player, a liar, a cheater, doesn't have the best reputation and they're aware of it. I also feel like for some of you if you already know this person, they may have ghosted you and entertained other people, and you feel for deeply them but you're not about to allow yourself to be played. It's like they wanted you to chase them at some point. I feel like if that's the case for you, you distanced yourself from this person and they're aware of it. They may even be avoiding you themselves. They will come in to ask for your forgiveness and hope to balance things out between you guys again. For others, I feel like this person did some dirt in the past either to you or in another situation, and it's catching up to them and their karma will be weighing on them and the connection they have with you. They'll be trying to make the best of the situation, but it's going to be challenging for them to be open and emotionally available for a little bit because of the guilt and burdens they may be releasing. For those of you that know this person, they came to you with this strong and passionate energy in the beginning, then I feel like you bonded quickly and connected so deeply it scared them and they went on full defense mode and started acting nonchalant. They are used to being in control and dominating others, but with you they feel a bit vulnerable. I see they may have started acting different with you and stopped doing the things they did to get you in the first place. Their energy switched up.

I feel like they really do love you and they don't quite know how to show you that. You're so gentle, kind, nurturing, and protective of them. They love you for who you are, and I feel like they have a vision for their future with you in it. They're just really anxious and scared of opening up to you because of their insecurities. They have trust issues and fear emotional intimacy. They feel like you're very self-assured and independent. You guys will share the same goals, values, and morals. I feel like they want to be a team with you and come together to make things work. They want to overcome challenges and obstacles together, but it's just taking time to get to where they feel open to expressing this to you. Cigarettes After Sex could be significant. I feel like for you, you haven't met the best type of people when it comes to relationships, and it sometimes makes you feel a lack of faith in love. They feel like you're looking ahead and trying your best to stay motivated and focused no matter what happens in life. You don't want to get too distracted or sad especially about them, but they feel your energy. They feel like you're in a low spirit and feeling a bit hurt emotionally. They've seen your best or at least your uplifted energy and they know you're struggling right now no matter how much you keep it together. I feel like they feel you're scared to love again, and you hide how you feel because of it. You don't normally open up about how you feel, it could be because of a lack of trust or fear. You might even be really cold at times even though you don't want to be. Even if you don't know this person, which most of you do but they will feel your energy heavily. I speak in the present moment because it's energy, but it doesn't mean it's happening now in this moment although it could be. I feel like you feel depleted of your compassion and sympathy, and they feel this too. They know you're very discerning and careful about who you love and where you invest your time, love, and energy. They actually admire how smart, independent, and compassionate you are. I feel like deep down they know you love so deeply. It's just the energy you give off.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach the both of you how to get out of your own heads and to open yourself up to new things in life. It's like the both of you are going to be in need of excitement, optimism, and passion. Life may be a little dull and this connection is going to brighten things up for the both of you. I feel like this is a divine relationship and together you will accomplish many things you didn't know you would. It's definitely going to teach you both how to be patient with good things. I also feel like you will both learn to deepen your faith and start listening to your intuition more often. I see both of you learning to let go of things that you deeply held onto for the sake of your own pride and learning how to trust in God's plan for your life. You both will be feeling more confident and like your best selves around each other and when you're apart you'll definitely feel each other's energy even stronger. I also feel like you will go through a lot with this person and it's going to show you that no matter how much time passes, how challenging things get, or how far apart you are, love will always win. Music will be a big thing between you as well. You and this person may overthink your feelings about each other because you never felt anything this deep. It's so easy to just walk away and settle for something less because putting in real time and effort is hard sometimes. It's hard to open up and truly be open with your love and show yourself for who you really are. But for this love, I see both of you learning to surrender and letting go of control.

I see them realizing they like themselves better with you and taking actions to open themselves up to you. I feel like they're going to be very excited when they pursue you about their feelings and they have this very gleeful, childlike energy when it comes to you. Not in an immature way either. It's like they feel safe and comfortable around you. You bring happiness into their life where they only felt darkness. I feel like they're putting down the swords and done being closed off about how they feel. They put themselves in a place to be in a combative energy towards you anytime you wanted to speak your mind to them. It's like they didn't want to understand you and didn't try to be open to a thing you said to them. They stuck to their beliefs and what they felt like they wanted to say or do and shut you out in a way. They're going to reciprocate the love you gave to them back to you. I feel like they're also reflecting back on good memories or conversations they had with you to remind them of how good it feels to be in your presence. They're gonna come in quickly and unexpectedly because they felt eager to act upon their feelings. They are confident things will be very good between you guys and there is so much potential to create in this relationship that they will be ready and determined to make it happen. Like I said before, if they entertained someone else or got with someone else, all they thought about was you. They love you and they been known this, they just never said anything because they were too much in their ego to act upon what they really wanted. I feel like the changes they needed to make, they weren't ready to make, and out of the literal blue you can expect them to express how they feel. If you don't know this person, I feel like you will get in a connection with someone not expecting of this to happen, but then it does and catches you off guard. Of course, every situation is different, but you will know where the pieces fit for your life. Your love moves this person in ways they can't even explain so know that they will mean whatever it is they say to you.

The advice for you is to move on from the past experiences, thoughts, feelings, and people that are interfering with you and your growth. I feel like you'll have let go of things that negatively impact your thoughts about love and this relationship in general. Move at your own pace when it comes to opening up emotionally and be more patient with yourself. There is no need to rush. Things will move at a steady pace for you two anyways because of how they feel as well. I feel like working on your confidence and building stability within yourself will help you in general and in the connection. There may be a certain attitude you've been feeling towards life at this time that may feel apathetic, unhappy, and just a bit miserable honestly. This is the time to focus on changing this, so it doesn't affect you or your relationship later down the road. It's time to let yourself live and experience the feeling of joy. Also let go of the fear of rejection. I know it's easier said than done, but it's affecting your self-esteem negatively to where you don't want to love or open yourself up anymore. You may tell yourself you're fine with being alone, you don't need to be in a relationship, you don't want to be with them anymore, but in reality you actually do. You're hurting over things they did that hurt you or over things from past relationships and it's putting you in a resentful and bitter type of energy. This is what you need to focus on in this very moment. Being mad and angry won't solve anything. It's okay to feel disappointed and upset, but do not live in that energy forever. Don't build your life around your pain. Learn from what happened in your past with them or in general so you can fully open up to this person. Don't allow gossip or other people to get in your head about them. You know how you feel. Other people don't really understand how you feel deep down about certain things and it's not good to always take advice from others. I also feel like if you gossip about things that happen in your love life, it's better to keep things to yourself. This new person or new energy of a current person is someone you are meant to be with. It'll work if both people are willing. You must be willing to do your part as well.

Pile Three:

Hi pile three! I feel like you and your current or next partner will feel like you are ride or die. I see you both sticking together and never against each other no matter what. I feel like even when you may argue or disagree you come back together quickly and always forgive each other. You also will be deeply intimate with each other in every way, and I feel like they'll never want to let you go. I'm feeling this energy like you both will have gone through a lot in terms of love, and taking deep breaths to relax yourself will benefit you greatly and help to loosen up a bit, especially if you've been feeling tense emotionally. I feel like for those of you who know this person already, they are sorry about neglecting you and not being as supportive and loving as they could've been. You may not trust them or have a hard time listening to anything they say because of how they've disappointed or betrayed you in some way. Take that how it resonates. For others I feel like sometimes you may doubt this person's love for you and not fully trust that they mean what they say because of your past. They will be a bit distracted or not as focused on you in the beginning of the connection/relationship because I feel like they may be focused on work, or something else is taking up their time and energy. I definitely see if this is a current relationship, you're going through a bit of a rough patch, and you don't feel as open and trusting when it comes to this person. They feel like they're going to have to dig deep within themselves to learn how to better express their love and make certain life changes because they don't want you to leave them or see you with someone else for that matter.

The relationship itself will be balanced and harmonious between you. I feel like you bring light to their world and help them understand themselves and love better than they ever have. I feel like the relationship is going to help both of you feel more complete and happier with each other. At times both of you feel dissatisfied and a lack of confidence in the connection because of fear. These fears are things that kept the both of you stuck and feeling like you had to escape this relationship or intimacy in general. I feel like both of you dealt with toxicity in love. I see you and this person are both people who overthink your feelings and experiences to the point where you may self-sabotage or make fear-based decisions at times. I feel like you and this person will be going through a phase in your life where work could be draining, you're dealing with family conflicts, conflict in your relationship, or just in life. Whatever it is, things have felt a bit cold and lonely emotionally, either during your current relationship or when you meet your new person. You're both going to be deeply in love but in the initial stages of the connection, I feel like things will be a little dull and not as emotional between you. I see them feeling a bit insecure and unsure of their self. I feel like they're learning their self-worth and trying to feel more grounded within themselves because the changes that are happening around them are a bit overwhelming and I feel like they're trying to embody an independent and self-assured energy. Sometimes they also may come off as very confident and like everything is fine, maybe even a bit egotistical at times. I feel like they're going to be trying to hold onto you and the relationship and trying to do just enough to keep you from leaving, but not enough to maintain the relationship. You may feel a bit sad and shut out by them in a way and I feel like they're too distracted to really notice or empathize with how you're feeling. They're going feel unhappy with what they have materialistically speaking and taking you for granted in a sense. It's like they're hyper focused on boosting themselves up and too scattered to actually see how they're affecting the connection. I see they feel deep love for you, but I see them trying to hide how they really feel and only reveal so much because they feel like how they feel is a burden to them in some way. I feel like in a way they are at a distance from you, and they feel like if they allow themselves to feel too much, they're going to lose control in some way. I feel like this person doesn't necessarily know how to multitask. They're also very scared of change. When they focus on the relationship, they really focus on it, but their main priorities or what they value more comes first. They could feel like in order to have a relationship for the long run they have to be financially stable. They want to feel good and abundant so they can share this with their partner. I feel like they just need someone who will believe in them and support them. Someone who will be patient. I see they will have their guard up and they're carrying this heavy weight because deep down they are actually so stressed out, they just don't share their burdens with others. I feel like they're going to be a little upset with themselves because they feel like they're missing out on some type of change or opportunity to physically be there with you, but they're trying to do things in a way they feel like is right. Take that how it resonates. For some of you, this person literally can't be there physically right now so they're focusing on what they can control. Whether that means they're incarcerated, in a different city/state, or somehow just not near you. They will open up to you about how they feel it's just going to take some patience. They'll need to let go of their ego and be more open to change and learn to balance their priorities out a bit more.

The energy they'll give off is someone who is very confident within themselves and I feel like they are someone who has game. They definitely pull people in a charming way. I feel like they are used to getting their way and with you things are different. They feel like they fell in love with you in a mysterious way. Almost like it was very sudden and unexpected. They didn't think things would go the way they did or will between you guys. I also feel like they will do things to test your love for them. Maybe intentionally or maybe just habitually speaking. They feel deeply for you, so they question whether you feel the same way. They give off this energy like they're going to be enjoying themselves and life. I also feel like they have a bit of an old school vibe. Like early 2000's player vibes. It's giving Justin Timberlake, Usher, Chris Brown. They're also very flirty and playful. I also feel like they're gonna feel like they enjoy being around you and things are fun. However, they don't feel like this is just some little one-night stand, summer fling type of thing. They want to love you. They just have this image they portray, and I feel like you see right past it. They hide their true feelings and I feel like intuitively you'll know this. They either already have or will be someone who gets caught up in the superficial things. I feel like they did have that image of trying to be someone who got it like that when they really don't. They're guarded in love and trying to pretend to be someone they aren't. Unfortunately, they're gonna need to slow down and take a deep look within and they are going to be forced to do this by divine intervention. I feel like they spend more money than they have, they love the finer things, and they feel materialistic things bring happiness, but they're going to come to realize that's not what makes them happy. They were impulsive, reckless, and a little too free spirited. I feel like they give off this foolish and naive energy. A bit childish even. However, it's their ego. Around the time when you are meeting or getting in a commitment with this person, I feel like they're going to be closing this chapter of their life and learning that they need to grow up. For some of you they messed up with you many times and they're going to want to make up for this. They're in this fantasy of not really knowing how to discern between what is temporary and what isn't. I feel like you just gotta have some patience with them because they are learning. Compassion is needed from you and even if they don't show that they appreciate it, they really do. They know you love them. Despite everything that you may have gone through with them and even them not understanding what temporary fulfillment is, through all this confusion they are only sure of one thing and that is you. You bring balance to their life. I feel like they're going to be going through some karma, legal matters, or a situation where they're facing the consequences of their actions in some way. So, if they're struggling it's just their karma and a valuable life lesson not to take things for granted, especially people who deeply love and care for them. If this is a current person, I feel like they're thinking of the gossip surrounding the connection with you and maybe just gossip about themselves too. They're guilty and if they deceived you, I'm hearing others know about this. Their ego just felt a need to prove others wrong, but they can't hide the truth about who they really are forever. The truth came to light and they're guilty about all of the wrong doings they have done. I feel like people they thought loved them deceived them too as a result of their karma for deceiving you and others and trying to manipulate the outcome of fate. I feel like they're starting to see how they may have judged you and treated you unfairly. They listened to another person gossip about you and made the mistake of taking their side. I feel like they released this person and they're seeing how they were deceived by them.

I see your person resting, trying to spend time self-reflecting, & trying to sleep off how they feel about everything. They want to protect this connection from outside interferences, and I see them healing. They're hoping for a miracle or something grand to happen that will bring change and growth into their life.

How they feel about you is like you lead them in a positive direction. They feel lost without you. You inspire them, motivate them, encourage them, love them, and your very supportive. I feel like you bring them so much joy and happiness. With you they have sight, and they feel a drive to change their life for the better. They want you. No matter how they may act or what front they put on, they want to be with you and only you. They regret not being there for you the way you deserve deep down. They had to do all these things just to distract themselves from feeling how they really feel about you. They want to admit it to you that they were wrong about how they may have acted or treated you and I feel like when they do they know you're going to take pride in it. But not in a bad way, you just know they were wrong and hearing them admit it to you is relieving. I feel like because you want to make sure they're aware of how they hurt you. I'm hearing the song "Here Comes the Sun". I feel like this is a sign clarity and healing are coming. Joy is on its way, and I feel like aside from the worldly things, they know they love you no matter what. This could be someone you grew up with or knew from a younger age for some of you. You've been there through it all. I feel like you met this person when they had nothing. You witnessed them change up and reach a higher point in life just to fall down. But there you are, there for them. You are their backbone. But it's been lonely waiting for them to reciprocate. You give and give, and they know it's their turn to give back. They don't want you to leave them or be unfaithful in some way. Maybe in the past for those of you who are with this person, you both deceived each other. They don't want this to happen and they're afraid you may be unfaithful to them. That's why communication is a bit difficult. Talking to them is challenging at times. They're a bit combative and I feel like they don't necessarily listen or hear you out. They also feel like you may be like this to them too. Even if you guys don't have a history of deceiving each other and this is all fresh, communication is still a bit challenging. Sometimes a little conflict can be healthy and create a feeling of passion between you when it's resolved but be sure not to let your ego just create stress and arguments for the sake of being right. I feel like now is a good time to just go with the flow and let things fall into place. You're a light in their life and I feel like they're at a standstill and feeling a bit stagnant with you right now, but it's because they're learning to see things from a different perspective. You're a bit irritated with them, because of how they've treated you but the best thing to do is reflect and take some time to relax and think before you rush into speaking your mind or acting a certain way towards them. Having more compassion always helps, even when you're tired of loving. If you're overly stressed take a step back and ground yourself. I feel like they just want to get past this with you. All of the challenges and obstacles you've been through together, they just want to overcome these hard times with you. They know the easiest thing to do is leave and maybe that's what they did instead of working things out with you because they know when you speak your mind you really speak it. They could be scared to really open up about how they feel because they know how you feel and how you're upset. They also know how you communicate when you're stressed, you can be a bit hostile or irritable, but for good reason. I see them letting go of this victim mentality and realizing the pain and disappointment they've caused you too. They feel like you guys complete each other and I see them wanting to marry you. Acts of service could be a love language here and I see them really wanting to take care of you and just support you. I'm hearing "in sickness and health". They're finally going to see the way forward with you clearly. I feel like they want to build with you and create success together.

They also feel like you have too much pride too sometimes. Your egos clash, but I see you letting go of your pride and just opening up to them. You’re tired of fighting, arguing, not talking, or just always wanting to be right and so are they. I feel like no one is truly right and both of you are in the wrong in your own ways.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach both of you how to be true to yourselves. I see you both learning to set healthier boundaries and how to express your true feelings positively. This person is learning how to mature emotionally meanwhile you’re learning to mature mentally and change the way you perceive and see into situations. You both bring each other so much joy and love. I feel like you also heal each other’s inner child. I see you both creating the family and home life you’ve always wanted as a child. That revolves around stability, love, security, peace, safety, & a foundation that isn’t temporary. I feel like you both want to have a good life. I mean who doesn’t you know? But together you will both complement each other in ways that are perfect. I feel like you were both divinely made for each other. That’s cliche but it’s true. This is a connection God is helping to be restored and healed. You both could’ve even prayed for God to mend things between you in some way. I see both of you strengthening your faith and learning how to be optimistic even in the hardest of times. You’re both stronger and able to endure more things in life because of everything you’ve been through or will go through together. All things will work together for the greater good.

Their next actions are to heal and spend time self reflecting learning more about themselves. I see them alone, in solitude trying to understand how they feel and why they do the things they do. It’s like they’re trying to understand how everything they’ve ever done led up to the point they’re already in or will be. Especially in the relationship I feel like they want to learn from their mistakes and change their approach. They want to love you better and be better for the connection and for themselves. They are tired of temporary things. I see them learning their worth and how to truly value themselves and love. They’re learning to have respect, understanding, compassion, and patience. I also feel like they’re someone who was stuck in their ways for a long time. I see them gaining clarity about the person they were and how their actions affected this connection or how they love in general. They will express their feelings to you and come clean about how much they’ve been hiding in terms of their love for you. I also see an apology for some of you. I also see they’re going to be more dedicated and faithful. I see them being more perseverant and not giving up at first sight of complications. They’re learning that facing challenges head on and learning to work through them and problem solve is better than just running and ignoring the problems they face. Especially when it comes to saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done. They’re maturing in ways they’ve never imagined. Obviously there is always a point in life where we must literally grow up and face things that are uncomfortable in our adult life and they’re learning that those temporary ways and things from their teenage years or young adult life isn’t the way to live forever. Life isn’t always going to be all fun and carelessly adventurous. We must take the time, energy, and effort to nurture and care for the things we want to grow. We can’t just be flighty and scattered all the time and expect things to flourish in a productive and long term way. I see them learning this and making the changes to be more diligent and practical about their approach to the relationship and their life. I also see them being more appreciative of you and the good things in life. They’re going to be more responsible and I see them developing integrity.

The advice for you is to be more patient. Love yourself more, forgive, and take the time to nurture those parts of you that feel most vulnerable. I feel like if you’re stressed out and feeling very tense that is a sign you need time to ground yourself and pull your energy back towards you. Find ways to create peace and stability emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You don’t want to take out negative feelings on others accidentally or unintentionally. It’s easy to project our fears and insecurities on others when we are overwhelmed or burdened by thoughts. It’s also good to communicate how we feel, but not coming from a scattered or negative way. Communicate your emotions in a healthy way not in a way where you are blaming others or being a bit insensitive. Carefully express how you feel. Giving yourself the time to feel your emotions and sort them out before explaining them always helps. I also feel like be careful and discerning about who you consult in for advice. Don’t always listen to others opinions or feelings about your situations. Nobody knows what’s best for you like you do. Sometimes people will have good advice for you, but not always. Not everyone understands your situation and some people are biased. I feel like you can overthink your feelings and experiences at times and it puts you in a place of fear and self sabotage. You may feel trapped in your mind and the hurt replays over and over in your mind. Know that your life doesn’t only consist of betrayal and deception. It’s not meant to be continuously painful. It’s all about how you see it and your perspective on your experiences. Do you try to see things positively? There is a lesson in everything you go through & even if you don’t understand things right away you will in time. But it doesn’t mean to stop living and enjoying life when you feel hurt. Life involves taking chances and risks because you never know what may happen. But how will you learn and experience things if you don’t allow yourself to? Moving past betrayal and traumatic experiences is important for your growth and your future. Self reflection and spending time in solitude will help you understand yourself better and how you feel. You will overcome every challenge you face even if it doesn’t seem like it. Time never stops and you heal with time even when you don’t want to or have a hard time moving forward. You are forced to move forward always. It’s good to listen to other peoples ideas or plans and come together with people who inspire you or help you grow. Even if it’s forgiving those who have hurt you and working with them to create a better outcome. You gotta learn to trust yourself more and tap into your inner voice. Not your fear or your critical mind, your intuitive side. Your inner wisdom. Be more kind to yourself too. I feel like you may be self critical at times and overthink the negative things you don’t like about yourself and others. Change the way you approach others and situations. Cultivate the feeling of confidence and strength. Find what moves you. What brings you joy and creativity? I also feel like when someone hurts you or is a bit rude and judgmental over you, try to remain calm and collected. It’s best to approach situations kindly and mindfully. Don’t react impulsively and irrationally. It’s time to get out of your head and more into your physical life. That involves making changes, taking action, leading your life in a more positive direction. Rather than staying still and overthinking everything, start doing and feeling. Own your energy and show off that confidence!

Pile Four:

Hi pile four! I feel like your person is in love with you and no matter what happens they love you. Even if you aren’t talking they just want you to know they deeply care for you and I feel like they hope you feel the same for them. They also think about you a lot and people think their crazy for feeling so deeply for you but they won’t deny their love. I also feel like some of you may meet this person after an ending of a tough relationship. Others of you already know this person and after a tough phase of your relationship with them I feel like you’re in this energy of feeling a bit triggered by them, but you’re independent and I see you focused on positive things and moving forward no matter what. You don’t let things get to you and control the way you behave or live your life. I feel like you’re very confident and true to yourself. You know your worth and you know when to set the limit and establish boundaries. You’re very passionate and strong willed. I feel like they love this about you. I feel that after facing tough challenges, obstacles, setbacks, and hard situations you’re maturing and evolving in every way. I feel like something someone else or this person did triggered you and pushed you to endure painful things that pushed you into becoming who you truly are.

I feel like if you guys ever argue or get into tough situations they will want to resolve it quickly because they don’t like to be on bad terms with you. Especially over little things. They feel it’s a waste of energy to be mad or angry. They’d rather be loving you and enjoying things. I feel like you both can’t sleep and you struggle a bit when you’re upset with each other. I see that you got them invested in you. They want to change their ways and love you in the way you deserve. I’m not even hyping you up but the energy doesn’t lie. I feel like things will be very balanced between you and this is someone you will build with financially and romantically. The type of relationship you’ll have for the long run. I feel like you dealt with that noncommittal, doubtful, & unfaithful energy. Either from them or your past relationship. I feel like you’re fighting for love and you’ve endured so much loss and hardship just trying to get the things you want in life. In this relationship I feel like you may be a bit tired and emotionally drained in a way because of all you’ve experienced. There is deep love and passion here but I see you’re going to be struggling with feeling enthusiastic and empathetic because of some type of deception you’ve dealt with. Your trust isn’t there as much as it could be and you’re guarded. I feel like you’re being logical and taking your time with opening yourself up instead of just acting on a desire or a temporary feeling. You’re standing on business fr. I see you don’t let people in easily and they’re gonna have to fight for your love. It’s like prove it. “Don’t say it to me, I want you to show me” energy. You’re letting go of past energies and feelings and just going through a massive change. I feel like you’re ready for new things and making healthier decisions in love and life overall. You’ve been broke down and completely hurt in terms of love and you aren’t tolerating any less than you deserve. I feel like In the beginning of the relationship things will be challenging and they’ll take time to progress. You’re very loving, nurturing, and empathetic but you are also very generous with your love and I feel that you’ve been taken advantage of in the past so you won’t come off as this right away. You are going to be getting over insecurities and letting go of bad habits that create fear. I feel like you’re guarding your heart and protecting your energy so you don’t get manipulated or charmed. For some of you if this is a current partner, they may have did this to you and you’re just not having it. I see you focused on yourself and growing. Although you will love this person you won’t be very open at first. Things are a bit mysterious here and I feel like sometimes it’s hard for them to read your energy and understand how you really feel. You’re very independent and self assured and I feel like they know you don’t need anyone so apart of them feels insecure and like they aren’t good enough for you. They’re used to toxic relationships and codependency but you aren’t like this. You aren’t controlling and obsessive. You’re grounded and you know what you want and you’re very sure of yourself. I mainly see that in the beginning things will be moving slowly and you‘ll be making this person work for your love in a positive way. You have self control and I feel like your not just someone who does things in a irrational and uncontrolled way. You influence and lead others and you push this person to have to change and grow in order to be with you. Your standards for love are high. I feel like they even tried to tell you what they think you want to hear just to get you more invested, but they aren’t fooling anyone. They don’t know how to approach you and I feel like they’re a lil bit intimidated. They may even ask other people for help to try and be smarter about their approach. I see them trying hard to attract you. Im hearing “come correct, or don’t come at all”.

The energy they’ll be in is feeling accomplished and successful. They see building a relationship with you as a goal. They want you in their life for the long run and they’re giving this energy like they’re ready to commit and invest in a life with you. I also see marriage strongly. They’re someone who is learning how to express themselves and they’re doing all they can to study you and new things overall. They’re a bit shy too. At least with you they are when it comes to talking about their feelings. I see they’re someone who watches and tries to calculate all their steps and they get information about you from others or they have ways of finding things out. They watch you or observe all that you do so they can learn to read you. I see them working on their financial stability and how to create long term opportunities. They want to feel successful and happy with you and in life in general and they’re spending time alone educating themselves on all the things they want to invest in. They never really had joy that lasts and they want this. They’re tired of the temporary things and I feel like them spending time alone is helping them cleanse their energy and life of the things that do not serve them or the connection with you. They feel a bit rejected by you because they may have approached you in a way that was flirty and a lil bit immature and after asking for help from others or something like that they were able to get a response or reaction from you in some way. They’re learning how to approach you and what you like from a partner. I see them learning to love you in your love language. They know this love is worth putting in the time and effort for. They don’t know how you got them the way you do but you just move them in ways no one can. I feel like they are learning deep lessons and becoming more self aware. They’re definitely going to be very determined and focused on building and investing. So if that means they’re working overtime or just doing things with more care, effort, and patience it’s because they’re creating stability and security so they can invest in a future with you. They might even be private about their feelings or not as open and affectionate towards you. Their energy changed after you may have rejected them in a way and it’s because they’re showing you instead of trying to explain it. For some of you I see them literally writing you a hand written letter, song, or poem.

They feel like you want something grand. Like they know your standards are high and you don’t accept the bare minimum. I feel like they’re going to surprise you in some way. They feel you’re not being as open and expressive with your love right away. They feel your energy and they see how you’re focused on your goals and more permanent things. They see you as someone who is very faithful, loyal, and caring. They feel you’re determined to get what you want and they see how disciplined and goal oriented you are. They know you aren’t going to make foolish or impulsive decisions. They feel like you express the deepest part of yourself when you know it’s safe to. Even though you are open and genuine, you don’t just submit quickly. It takes time and trust for you to open up wholeheartedly. It takes literal action and change for you to believe someone is actually invested in you for the right reasons. You don’t waste your time or energy. For those who are currently with this person, they feel like they pushed you to be this way because of how they‘ve hurt you. They feel like they know your pain and they understand how you feel because they’ve been betrayed too. They want to heal with you and I feel like they see how you’ve grown and overcome so much. They’re inspired by your growth and how much you’ve changed. I feel like you’ve come out of a place of depression and apathy and they see how your depression and sadness has turned you into someone who is careful and smart about everything you do. Even with who you spend your time with. You turn them on and they’re doing things for you they’ve never done before. For current relationships, I feel like they miss you and they need you more than you know. They feel like you know more about love than they do and they’re trying to show you how they’re learning how to love you. They’re trying to show you that they’re changing. They’re seeing you turn dreams into reality and you don’t want to just live in this fantasy of what things could be. You go out and actually make things happen or at least try to. They’re beyond grateful to have you in their life and they see you’re very grateful yourself. For some of you, you have a baby with this person and they’re so thankful you’re the one they have a baby with. They see how you sometimes are a perfectionist and you fear things going a way that doesn’t serve your interests but not in a negative way. You’re just very calculated and you plan things out in a very organized and strategic way. You’re very protective over your energy and your heart and they feel like right now you’re being patient with yourself and in this period of rest and rejuvenation. You’re healing and creating balance within yourself and your life. I feel like they may feel you have a fear of abandonment and you fear getting too close or letting someone really close to you because they may just up and leave you. You’ve been betrayed either by them or yes a past person and they are aware of how you are when it comes to trusting. They are co-dependent on you right now because they need you. They need your help, your support, your advice, your love, your kindness. Just you in general. They’re scared to lose you and they feel like you’re the only one who genuinely cares for them. They’re trying to reciprocate what you give and love you in the way you need to be loved. You give them what they need and they’re so thankful for you. They may not show it yet but they are trying to. They’re working behind the scenes to prove it to you. They even think about you before they go to sleep and they think about kissing you. I’m hearing the song candy kisses when she says “like a kid in a candy store, always wanting to come back for more”. They’re realizing with you the love is true and they don’t want to miss another second with you. The love between you guys is insanely deep.

The purpose of this relationship is to teach you both about a long term relationship and a love that is meant to last. This connection is one that is made for marriage. It’s all about planning, determination, patience, and discipline. I definitely feel like this person is going to purpose to you for some of you. Take that how it resonates. This relationship is going to teach you to let go of things that need to be released and I see this is a blessing for the both of you from God. It is meant to show you that good things take time and all the hard work and energy you give always pays off in due time. I see you’re meant to have a family and build a foundation with this person. Whether it be creating a business together, a big family legacy, or just something that creates generational wealth and stability. You’re creating a line of abundance, security, happiness, and joy. This is a such a good vibe I get from your connection and no matter how hard things get between you, I feel like you always come back together. This is a big lesson for this person especially. They were immature and a player. I feel like they chose to give their heart to you and change their ways to keep you in their life. They learned how to change and step into their divine masculine or embody the energy they needed in order to take initiative and lead themselves and others in a positive way. I see you both sacrificing temporary things in order to build together. God is with y’all!!

I see them using the time they have alone or in separation from you to self reflect and tap into their inner voice. They’re learning more about themselves and how to guide themselves using the wisdom they’ve gained. They’re just waiting for some type of miracle or something to happen to give them this epiphany on what to do. They feel kinda stuck like they don’t know what next action or step to take and they’re going a lil crazy thinking about you, missing you, or wanting to be with you. I see an apology for some of you coming in. They’re sorry about how they may have disappointed you. They’re stressed out and they don’t feel as successful as they want to be. They feel like with you things aren’t moving the way they want them too as well. They’re feeling stuck and they need your comfort and your love right now because they’re going through some pressure and overwhelming situations. They’re coming out of indecision and I see them making a choice to show up and prove themselves to you. They wasted your love and took it for granted in some way or for others they feel like your love hasn’t been appreciated the way it should be and I see them coming towards you with a gift, opportunity, or offer in some way. They’re done with this challenging energy they may have had. I feel like they had other options or people interfering with their feelings and they’re seeing things more clearly. They’re sad and trying their best to be positive. I feel like when they come towards you it’s because they genuinely need you to be there for them and support them. They need you and even if they may not express it in a very emotional way or literally ask for it, they will mean what they say. They felt love at first sight with you and they been knew it was real they just weren’t ready in that moment to commit. You’re a bit stubborn and I feel like your heart is very guarded and I see they will be trying their very best to get close to you, especially with all the stress and pressure that they’re under they’re still trying to make the time to show up and give you what you need.

The advice for you is to let go of any hostility or the need to be right. Fighting won’t solve anything and I feel like being defensive and blocking this person out isn’t either. It’ll be a time to have compassion and love. Whether it’s now or later. Whenever this person is in your life. It is safe to love and right now it’s important to spend time doing productive things. Don’t gossip or tell everyone your business about this relationship either. Like friends or what not. Not everyone needs to be in the mix. I feel like you and this person will be connecting deeply and building a friendship together. Things may be lonely and a little bit sad right now for you but spirit is saying to stop and don’t isolate yourself any longer. You’ve been lonely and feeling down and it’s important not to rush anything including yourself. I feel like if there’s people in your life that aren’t healthy or positively influencing you it’s time to let them go. Creating change by doing things differently and letting go of things that aren’t good for you will help you bring this in a bit faster. Also be sure to let go of any judgmental energy you may have. You’re healing from betrayal and past trauma and you don’t want to keep going in circles so be sure to self reflect and connect with yourself deeply so you can find healthy ways of coping with your negative feelings instead of talking about them with others and creating more negativity for yourself. You may be a lil bit judgmental over yourself and the negative feelings you face and spirit is saying to feel them through and release them. Be more private and try your best to reflect on the feelings you feel so you can better understand the root of them or why you’re still feeling down. It’s best to focus on yourself especially if you’re feeling lonely. When you feel lonely it’s for a reason and if you’re in this period of being pushed into solitude it’s because that’s what you need to cleanse and rid yourself of the negative energy weighing on you.

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fwckriley · 1 year

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I've read lots of fanfics and headcanons about Ghost with partners who are usually kind, pure, like a angel, all flowers and butterflies and stuff etc. I get it, but no offense, and looking at it from another perspective, when you think about people who have experienced childhood trauma, they tend to repeat certain patterns. I'm not saying that every person with a traumatic past will have a toxic relationship.

But, you see: I personally believe that Ghost would never give a chance to someone he deems "perfect," innocent, pure, because that's completely opposite to how he sees himself. How could he be in a relationship with someone so different from him? How could he be understood by someone who doesn't have a certain darkness within? I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but I think a part of him would never fully reveal itself out of fear of being judged. On the other hand, I believe he would also seek out people who, in some way, are unattainable, to reaffirm that little voice inside him saying he doesn't deserve to be loved. Of course, none of this is really true, but that's how the mind of someone with many traumas tends to work.

I think he would avoid relationships and commitments for a long time, and wouldn't be able to choose someone outside of his field of work. "Normal" people could never understand the things he does, they could try, but never fully comprehend. In my opinion, he would fall in love, without realizing it, with someone from his field of work, probably a teammate with whom he shared many experiences. Someone with whom he has a deep connection. And, as I mentioned at the beginning, I believe he would unconsciously seek out more complex people. I see him attracted to people with a similar outlook on life, who are tougher and more realistic. Who share a darker sense of humor. Who have also experienced some kind of trauma in the past, so they can understand how he feels. I imagine him in a relationship with someone who has these characteristics, and unlike him, is ambiverted or extroverted. Someone who challenges him, calls him out when he's wrong, or is determined. Someone honest, but not rude. Someone funny, smart, creative. Someone with a thirst for adventure and a spark, to contrast with some parts of him.

But honestly, I can't picture him with someone he deems pure and perfect. He doesn't feel worthy or even attracted to that. He tends to surround himself with people who are similar to him because that's where he feels comfortable. Just to clarify, it doesn't necessarily mean that this partner in question would be a bad or toxic person, but simply someone similar to him. I believe Price is the best example of that, who is good but not innocent, not entirely right.

In the end, I think the relationship with the chosen person would be a challenging but functional one. Not toxic, not abusive or destructive, just difficult. Traumatized people are human and fully capable of relating to each other, but it takes patience and determination, and a lot of work. I think that over time, they would improve greatly. Because Ghost's biggest fear is one-sidedness. He needs to know that he is protecting and helping, but he also needs to feel protected and helped.

#modern warfare 2 #modern warfare ii #cod mw2 #simon ghost riley #simon riley #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley headcanons #call of duty mw2 #simon riley x y/n #cod imagine #call of duty #cod x reader #ghost cod #ghost x reader #simon riley headcanons

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violetrainbow412-blog · 1 year

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Dressing for revenge [K. B]

Kaz Brekker x fem!reader

word count: 7k

summary: when Kaz and his crows return from Ravka they run into trouble, and to solve it, he looks for a childhood friend who is too resentful and too in love with him

warnings: trauma, PTSD, spoilers for S&B season 2, no physical contact, here Kaz has no romantic feelings for Inej

A/N: I LOVE Kanej, but I wanted to write something with Kazzle Dazzle because I love him too, lol. I hope you like it!

taglist (who I thought might be interested): @rustyyyyspoonz

The rumor had already spread throughout the Barrel: “Kaz Brekker and his crows are back” How long had it been since they had embarked into the Fold? Just a couple of months? They had felt like years, if you were being honest.

If it was true that they were back, you felt sorry for the trouble they were going to run into. The change of ownership of their club, the strengthening of the other gangs, and mainly the fact that they were being tried for murder thanks to the fact that Pekka Rollins had awarded it to them... all these problems were going to fall on them like a bucket of water cold. It had already fallen on them, in fact, since the rumor was accompanied that they had escaped from the stadwatch once they were captured.

You didn't know how much of what everyone was saying was true and how much was false, trying to stay as calm as possible when the name Kaz came from someone's lips for fear that Pekka had some magical ability and could read your mind or sense the fear in your eyes every time you met him. Afraid of him and afraid of what he might do to you if he knew you knew the black-haired man.

Things had changed a lot since the last time you saw the boy and that was more than noticeable. Your story goes back long before he made his reputation when you were just a couple of neighbor kids playing on the farms. You two arrived in Ketterdam together, with nothing but hopes for a better future and Jordie as your protector (or an attempt at that, at least), after your father and Mr. Rietveld died in the same accident, reuniting with Kaz’s mother and later to be matched by your mother, who had died of sadness, if that was possible. Three helpless children thrown into the cruel world were what came of that and the rest is history.

Crime, robbery, gangs, and a life of hardship were what you had to adjust to as a child, but you doubted very much that a single person living in The Barrel would be in a different situation. You weren't fully involved in the disgraced jobs of the majority, but if there was one true thing, it was that when it came to obtaining information you were, to say the least, excellent. You and Kaz had to fend for yourselves, and you learned what you could from the streets. In this way he and you became a team, so to speak, for a few teenage years, and for that period of your lives having each other was the only thing in the world. Over time he became ruthless, rude, a great fighter and earned the nickname 'dirtyhands' thanks to his gambling skills, from which he obtained most of the things you had. You learned to move quickly, to go unnoticed, and to defend yourself from those who tried to harm you, always supporting the boy’s plans.

Less than a year was enough for his name to become known and he began to think big. Sometimes he would tell you about the plans he had: to run Fifth Harbor, to establish the crow club, to become the best of The Barrel. All of that sounded like crazy ideas at first, but looking back you realized that he had accomplished too much in that pit for your relatively young age.

You never knew what made you and Kaz go their separate ways, but somehow it had happened. It was gradual, maybe that's why it was hard for you to notice, but one day you woke up and realized the distance that existed between him, who previously was practically the only family you knew, and you. It didn't take much for him to decide to break the bond that had held you together from a very early age; he never gave reasons for this and you never asked him.

You lived under some protection from the leader of The Crows, of course, but very few people could link you to The Bastard of the Barrel. Sometimes you still provided him with information, but when he found someone else, the inquiries became less and less frequent until one day they turned into none. You managed to eat and have a roof over your head pretty well (and mostly honestly) and you tried to stay out of trouble for a long time.

Until one day he flew away from Ketterdam without warning and order in the Barrel was disturbed in every possible way. With his team gone, it didn't take long for Pekka to seize control and anyone who didn't work for him was inevitably against him. It was only a matter of time before he found out the talent you had tried to hide and forced you to carry his lion shield... figuratively speaking.

If he ever knew that you used to work with Kaz he never mentioned it or maybe your relationship with him had been severed so long that no one remembered it anymore. Now you were just a little girl, as he used to call you, slippery enough that she seemed so harmless that, in his eyes, that became a benefit. You were never one to look rude, unfortunately for you, and that allowed men like him to feel entitled to take advantage of you. You thanked the saints that Rollins didn't find you attractive or who knows what other services he would have requested from you. It was always better to provide him with the information he needed than for him to force you to be his lover.

You weren't a part of the meetings that the Dime Lions had and you weren't considered a member either, which kept you calm every night. You were just another piece in the enormous chess game that Pekka moved at his convenience, the same game that was threatened by the mere existence of Kaz Brekker and much more so now that he had returned.

In the middle of the night it was logical to ask yourself, what kind of strange plans would he have in mind now?

One, two, and three knocks surprised you at the rickety wooden door and made you jump out of your chair, where you were already asleep. An old lamp was on the even older table and it illuminated the little space that your provisional home had so you took it to approach to open the door. It was raining outside (quite unusual for that time of year) and by the time it was you figured it was one of Rollins' idiots coming to do a job for you. What would he want now? Harbor information? Talk to a policeman? He was supposed to control everything, sometimes you kept wondering why he asked for your help.

When you opened the door, the air slipped in and almost extinguished the flame of the fire, but the temperature of the night wasn’t what left you freezing, but the presence that was in front of you. With his hat, a completely black outfit, and his cane in hand, but above all soaked from head to toe, there was him; Kaz. You almost feared you were imagining it, but you knew it was him by the clear, penetrating eyes that were watching you, even though you admitted that he had changed so much that in other circumstances you would have had trouble recognizing him.

“Did I arrive at a bad time?” he asked. No warm greetings, no smiles, no explanations. Just a cold, serious question, just the way he was.

“Someone followed you? If this place is horrible by itself, I don't want blood staining the floor” you replied with the same tone. You wanted to tell him that you had missed him, ask him if he was okay, and give him a huge hug, but those actions should be reserved for your nocturnal fantasies, because as soon as you took a step forward he would be able to hit you with his cane. Or at least that's what the Kaz you knew would do, but you doubted very much that the passing of the years would have softened his heart.

"Nobody followed me" was all he said and you stepped aside at the door so he could go inside. Even with his words, you felt the need to look out on both sides of the street in search of someone, but with the level of rain, you doubted very much that someone would want to stay and spy because he would probably die of pneumonia.

When you closed the door and turned around he didn't say anything, he just stood in front of you while the water drained from his coat. During that moment of silence, you allowed yourself to admire it under the warm light of the candle; his eyes definitely hadn't changed one bit, but now there was a tinge of contempt more noticeable than before. His features had hardened and he was thinner, barely resembling the boy you remembered, perhaps as a reminder of just that... that he was now a man.

“So the rumors are true…” you started to say “You are back��

"I think that's more than obvious," he exclaimed. For a second you forgot that it was he who had knocked on your door and you felt uncomfortable as if you were an intruder who had to get out of there.

There was silence again and you two just looked at each other. Kaz had made his own mental list of changes he noticed in you and was reflecting on when was the last time he had looked at you in such detail. You were wearing light clothes, because before he arrived you were about to go to sleep, and your face, although as childish as always, looked more tired than before. You had also cut your hair, which was messy around your shoulders and a bit darker in tone.

“And may I know to what I owe your visit? I guess you don't want to have tea” you said to break the silence. The dryness of your words in a certain way was to protect yourself because you never knew how much a sharp tongue like his could hurt you.

"I'm in a job and I need people"

Of course it was going to be due to a job, and of course that was why he had sought you out after so many years. A part of you, tremendously stupid, to tell you the truth, was hoping that during the time your friend was away from Ketterdam some divine clarity would have illuminated him so that he would realize that he had to look for you to repair your relationship and offer at least apologies. But you would have to pay him every kruge in the country for him to do something like that.

"I'm glad you considered me, but I'm sorry I have to decline."

"Why?" he asked immediately, his raspy voice showing annoyance at the refusal.

“Because it happens that you can’t work for opposing sides. At least not at the same time” you replied. Maybe it was due to fatigue, but you swore you saw a slight look of surprise on the man's face when you answered that. Most likely, he had assumed that you would be one of the few people who wouldn’t be on Pekka’s side and therefore a safe option.

“Do you work for Pekka?” he muttered. You knew him well enough to know that he was hurt, you could see it in his posture, in his voice, and especially in his look “After all he did to us?”

"And what did you want him to do?" you said, trying to ignore the fact that he had spoken in the plural. Us “You practically handed us over to him. My options were that or receive a bullet in the forehead."

"I didn’t hand you over to anyone"

"You abandoned us and left us in his hands, it's the same thing" you replied, shrugging. There was so much resentment and pain from never-closed wounds floating in the air that it was hard for him and you to think clearly. “Your vacation in Ravka may have been nice, but things only just went to hell here. So don't you dare judge me by the choices I made” you exclaimed defensively.

You didn't imagine that your first conversation with him after so long would be like this, but unfortunately, things never turned out the way you expected. After all, they were a crook and a spy talking in the dead of night.

"You could get information from him more easily," Kaz concluded, shrugging the same way you did. "And so we sink him from the inside."

"And risk him finding out and killing me?"

“You know that would never happen,” he said firmly “The thing about killing you. I wouldn't allow him” his eyes stared at you almost offended by the lack of trust you had towards him. There was silence for the third time and this time your gaze moved away to focus on anything but him.

"Plus you have this girl you took out of The Menagerie, don't you?" you said in your defense. The one you replaced me with, you wanted to add, but held back "So I don't know what you might need me for"

"With so many problems going on, I thought it would be better to have as many alliances as possible," he explained to you. You continued without looking at him, with your head still full of worries and sorrows, and when he didn’t receive an answer, he spoke again "You know that it is your best option"

"I don't know that, but I do know that I would have liked you to at least ask how I am before asking me to join the team you never wanted me in and from which you separated me as soon as you had the chance" you exhaled, in an attempt to lighten the weight on your chest.

It was no secret that you had always felt betrayed by Kaz’s treatment of you, even though he treated dozens of others the same way, because you somehow thought that your backstory was enough to deserve at least the sympathy or some consideration on the part of the crow. And of course you wanted to run from Pekka's clutches and plunge him into the deepest muck, but the resentment for what you considered your friend’s abandonment was stronger. You didn't even know if it was correct to call him ‘friend’.

"You would be a good ace up my sleeve" was all he replied, in an attempt to convince you. Kaz begged absolutely no one, but if there was one thing he had decided before coming to find you, it was that he wouldn't leave until you agreed to help him. Although the nature of your current job made things a bit difficult for him, "Pekka never knew you worked for me, did he?"

"With you" you corrected him "I didn't work for you but with you. We got to The Barrel at the same time”

"Y/N" he murmured. Your name sounded strange coming from his lips after so long without hearing it and that caught you off guard “I'm trying to help you so you don't end up hurt or dead. If you work for… with me, I can tell you where not to be. Otherwise I could find you in the rubble of some confrontation or with a knife from Inej or a bullet from Jesper through your chest”

"Always so thoughtful," you replied with a smirk, but as much as it pained you to admit it, he had a point. You knew what he was capable of and what Pekka was capable of… which side was more convenient to be on? "How much are you going to pay me?" you asked and Kaz smiled, but it wasn't a sign of happiness but mockery “You've always said that's what's really important, haven't you?”

He took something out of his coat and tossed it on the table. They were bills.

"An advance, when I recover the crow club, I will pay you the rest"

“So my pay depends on whether we win or not. That doesn't sound so convenient to me,” you muttered, clicking your tongue, as you fought the urge to say yes just to be near him. It was cold outside, the rain was making a lot of noise and you just wanted to sleep at once, but you knew that you could have been arguing with him all night and neither of you would back down. Kaz was stubborn, one way or another he would get what he wanted. "This isn't just about the club, is it?" you said, with your voice noticeably lower and you would even say with a touch of softness. You and Kaz never talked about what had happened, but each of you was dealing with the weight of the trauma in your own way. He didn't say anything and this time you saw something in him that was different from his usual behavior, knowing that it was those ghosts from the past tormenting him.

"If someone should make him pay, it's us"

Us, again.

"I'll think about it" was what you answered, after reflecting on what would be the appropriate response. The speechless moment gave you something else to think about, and you knew that a huge flaw of yours was how easily you let your heart take over. Because even with all the other feelings on top, you still worried about him "Now that the crow club isn't yours..." you started to say, afraid of what he might say "do you have a place to stay?"

You would have offered to sleep there if he said no, but instead he said he’d manage. That didn't completely reassure you, but you decided not to insist.

“First thing tomorrow, send a reply to this address,” he asked you, holding out a piece of paper that had a few drops on it “Don't go there personally or you'll screw everything up, just send me a note. A yes or a no will suffice”

“What if someone tracks down the note?” you asked, which was a totally valid concern.

Kaz was silent while he thought of an alternative, and then spoke again.

“Just write crows of a feather, murder together. I'll understand” he murmured and you nodded. You knew the poem he was quoting from, had read it many times from the worn-out book he had gotten for you. Kaz didn't wait for anything else and took long steps to the door, which he opened as soon as he could. "Good night, Y/N."

And then he left.

That night you thought a lot about the solution you would give him in the morning, thinking about the pros and cons of each possible answer, until you decided that it was best to say yes. You needed to do it if you wanted to live peacefully (as much as the place allowed) but the main reason was to support him. If he had been about any stupid dispute you would have said no, but you knew this was something else. Kaz missed Jordie every day of his life and his way of honoring him was by planning revenge against the one who led him to that fate, so it was kind of an obligation for you to help him with that too.

You wrote the note on a piece of paper and carefully folded it to put it in an envelope. You signed the outside with his name, written in the best handwriting you had, and although you were hesitant to do so, at the end you wrote a little ‘from a friend’ in the hope of making it clear to him, and perhaps even encouraging him that, if he was willing, you could recover a little of what you had lost. And you weren’t referring to physical things, but to what existed between you.

All your life you had lived with almost opposite feelings when it came to Kaz. Somehow you were upset with him for only seeing you as an instrument that he could dispose of for his interests, but this was linked to the feeling of affection that you wanted him to experience for you and that apparently didn’t exist. It was difficult to decipher anything he was thinking, not just about you, since he had taken it upon himself to build such a convincing facade that it made it complicated to see beyond. Added to that was his aversion to touch of any kind, which, while quite understandable and justified, still made you feel sad. More than once you tried, in vain, to be able to touch him in some way, even if it was something tiny, but he always pushed you away. He pushed you away physically and eventually emotionally, and yet with all this background you wanted to help him.

You knew you couldn't expect a reply to your note, but you were confident that he had received it, and your suspicions were confirmed when another letter came back a couple of days later. It contained a day, a time, and a place, which you assumed was a meeting with him.

You were very careful when you headed there, because you thought that the fewer people saw you together, the better, or else Pekka might suspect something. You covered yourself with a long black cloak for this task and when you arrived you noticed that it wasn't Kaz who was there, but a couple of boys.

"Who are you?"

"And you?" you asked, with the same defensive tone. The place seemed to be an experiment workshop and looking at it in more detail you noticed that there was a bed, so it could even be some kind of apartment. The two men, one brown-skinned and the other pale as snow, wore simple brown suits and were looking at you warily.

“She is Y/N,” said a voice behind you. By the sound of the cane accompanied by the footsteps you knew it was Kaz, “she will work with us”

"Oh," said the dark-haired boy, looking happier with the answer, as he walked in your direction "Welcome, in that case" he muttered flirtatiously, as he held out his hand for you to greet him "Jesper Fahey, at your service”

"I am Wylan" intervened the other, from his place, timidly and quickly.

"You arrived" Kaz spoke again. You turned and a couple of women appeared, you guessed that the shorter one with Suli features was the famous wraith of Kaz. And she was beautiful, you couldn't help but notice.

There was a brief conversation with the six of you there and then Kaz asked you to walk him up to the roof of the place. Once there you instinctively stood next to the only one you knew and he just looked at you out of the corner of his eye while he adopted the typical position of him leaning on the cane.

“Brick by brick” whispered the man’s raspy voice and you were about to ask what you were supposed to do there when an explosion went off in the distance so impressively that you stepped back a bit. It didn't take you more than a few seconds to locate the space and realize the place it was.

"The crow club" you said in a low voice, only for the black-haired man to hear you, while you watched him in profile. But he didn't look at you, just exchanged words with the others and talked about how Pekka's apparent reign was coming to an end.

You'd always known that Kaz Brekker was a little unhinged, and that night you proved it for sure, but you weren't even the least bit afraid. Rather, it was some strange hope that this madness would allow you to go far. Even freedom, perhaps.

After that clear declaration of war, things got considerably complicated, especially when you were summoned before Pekka and he asked you to investigate someone in particular and it turned out to be none other than the man you were now secretly working with. You assumed it was something logical, but even so you feared that Rollins had noticed the slight tremor in your hands when he asked you to complete the task.

You summoned Kaz to Black Veil Cemetery, late at night, and there you confessed to him everything that had happened. He of course found something good in this and devised a way to use it to your advantage, which put you at ease. It still amazed you a little at how nervous you became around him as if you knew nothing of what you were doing, but when you regained your composure you thought it was an excellent plan.

Meetings with Kaz were regular, but always in secret and alone, and they worked to exchange information that you considered useful for him with what he would allow Pekka to know.

You didn't know the full plans and you weren't part of them in any way, or you would be found out, but you knew about almost everything that was going on. The attacks, the fights, the traps, the injuries... you had to look at everything from the outside without being able to intervene. It was frustrating for you, more than anything in the world, and you had to admit that you had taken a liking to crows, even if you had seen them only a couple of times, so you also looked after their safety.

One day you received a note and went to a meeting with all the members of his group present, to finally hear the full version of what Kaz intended to do to finish off your boss. It was a brilliant idea, but you were a little worried about your position in all of this.

“You mean I'm going to be there watching everything Pekka and his thugs do?”

"It will be the best" he answered you. His face still had a bruise on his cheek, a memory from the last fight he had, and he looked exhausted "Jesper and Nina will be there, plus you'll be in disguise" he added and you nodded at that.

When the moment came you thought it would be an easy task, but when Kaz started to get brutally beaten you had to muster all your willpower not to throw yourself into trying to face Pekka, even with your zero skill. He sounded so convincing when he said about Alby that even you believed it, feeling suddenly awed by the cynical smile on Kaz's blood-smeared face. And he also mentioned you in the story, although not directly, saying that it was all about revenge for having abandoned you two when you were children.

You were able to breathe again until Pekka and his entire gang left the place in search of a son who wasn't really buried and you four were left alone. Under other circumstances you would have run to Kaz, cupped his face in your hands, sobbed, and told him it was over. But instead, you just stood in front of him and watched him; his eyes were wild with fury and a thirst for revenge that had already been quenched, but you sensed a hint of calm when he became aware of your presence.

"Breathe," you said in a whisper. Jesper and Nina were dismayed by the closeness with which you spoke to him, as they knew little of your history together “You're fine. We all are,” you assured him. That situation took you back to multiple panic attacks in the past where, given the impossibility of physical contact, all you could do for him was talk to calm him down. It always worked and Kaz had forgotten how soft your voice was and the way you brought him back to the real world. You decided to risk trying to do something else to comfort him and cautiously stretched out your hand towards him, instantly seeing his eyes widen in terror. But your hand ended up landing, more like a touch than a squeeze, on the man's bicep, which was covered by his coat; it wasn't intrusive, or abrupt, and Kaz was surprised that he didn't feel anything negative about it. He looked at your hand and then he looked at you with that usual serious expression, but he didn't push you away and allowed you to stay that way for just a few seconds, after which you decided to move your limb back.

You didn’t receive a verbal response at any time, but you did see him exhale shakily (so softly that you barely noticed) and nod his head while still looking at you, as if he were letting go of a huge weight that was stuck in his chest and at the same time assure you that it felt like a victory. Victory for beating Pekka, victory because he wasn't engulfed by an attack when you touched him, and victory because somehow you were there. You were with him, again.

“Now can we go back to normal?” Jesper asked, to break the silence, and you felt like laughing. Have they ever had a normal life? you asked yourself, but you didn't say.

"Yes" was all Kaz said and taking one last look at you he began to walk in the direction of the exit.

Both of them were curious about the type of relationship you had with Kaz but neither thought it wise to ask at the time, although Nina was getting an idea of things thanks to your racing heartbeat and his that it was impossible not to hear a moment ago. You stayed there just long enough to have a drink with Jesper and then you left the Emerald Palace. You didn't want to go back home, but going with one of them didn't seem like an option either, and once you were on the street you felt worried about remembering the state the black-haired man had left. You trusted that by that time he would be calmer and as if they thought for themselves your legs began to walk to look for him.

It was cold again and you feared you would meet someone dangerous on the road, but you only saw a couple of drunks and a girl looking for clients. Until you were in front of the door, you wondered if it was a good idea to go in, thinking that you would probably be crossing a line that Kaz was not going to allow you to, and wondering if you were going to put up with his refusal, which was a pretty good chance.

With trembling hands you opened the door, which luckily was unlocked, and as if some unknown instinct were guiding you, you found Kaz's room; it was the only one from which light came out through the crack in the door and something told you that he was there. You knocked twice, fearing you had knocked so low that he hadn't heard, and even considered walking back the way you came, but didn't have time to as the door opened a few seconds later. He had already taken off his coat and vest, probably because they were stained with blood, and his black shirt was open at the top buttons, with the suspenders that held up his pants hanging on his thighs. But what caught your attention the most were his pale, gloveless hands.

"What do you need?" he asked you directly. His face looked worse now that the bruises had swollen and the blood was dry. He'd probably have them for a couple of days, and he was definitely going to have a scar over his eyebrow.

"I wanted to see you" you replied, instantly regretting not having considered your sincere words better "I mean... to see how you were" you tried to correct. You thought he would slam the door in your face, but instead he scooted to the side to let you in, then closed the door behind you with a soft click.

Again you felt alien to the place for a moment, thanks to the fact that he looked at you from head to toe as if your presence bothered him. You had to mentally remind yourself that he saw most of them that way.

“Your pay will be ready soon”

"That doesn't matter," you said softly. Several things had changed since the first conversation you had with him, because now that you knew why Kaz had done everything he had done and the traumatic memories returned to both of you, the money had taken a backseat.

You didn't say anything for a moment and you looked for a place where you could sit later. Kaz’s room, once painted green but now just damp walls, had a small bed by the window, a desk littered with papers and a lamp facing another window, with a simple bookcase placed on the top of the side wall; a nightstand, a place to wash your hands with a mirror above it, a circular table in the middle of the free space, and a single armchair that at least looked comfortable. It wasn't the prettiest place, but at least it was cozy.

"Your girl, did she leave?"

“Inej is not my girl. Or from anyone, she is free now” he answered you. He still wasn't looking at you and you noticed that he was having a hard time staying on his feet.

"I'm glad to hear it. She deserves it” you murmured sincerely. You thought that she would be important to Kaz, like all his partners, and you decided to venture out to see if he revealed something else to you. "She's very smart."

"She is"

"And she's pretty too" you added and without moving his head he looked out at yours. You felt as if he was reading your intentions through your eyes, a quality he had always had.

"I think so," he said without much interest.

"Are you very hurt?" you asked, changing the subject, as you took a step towards him. By inertia he took the same step, in the opposite direction, and that made you stop abruptly.

"Nothing to worry about" he exclaimed and though he thought, you couldn't have known, of course, get close to you, you decided to take that step back before he did anything else.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Mhm"

"What did I do to make you walk away?" you exclaimed, finally expressing a question that had been eating away at your chest and tormenting you for many nights in a row. And since there was silence, you spoke again: “Not like right now, but a long time ago. It's just… I never understood it. Before we were friends and for me… you were even like a family. I loved your brother too and I know losing him never affected us the same, but I was glad you were there for me after that. Then we got older and things got more difficult, but I still had you and that calmed me down. And then… we just drifted apart,” you muttered, shrugging, as you avoided his gaze. Kaz still didn't answer anything and you felt the obligation to fill the silence “Sometimes I remember the things we went through when we were young. The good ones, of course. Like that time we stole a cake to celebrate your birthday and it was probably the best sweet I've ever eaten” you commented, smiling at the memory "And when I made you laugh with my bad jokes, no matter how angry or sad you were... I haven't seen you smile for a long time and I don't know if you celebrate your birthday anymore” you reflected wistfully, almost as if you were talking to yourself. And well, in the face of Kaz's inexpressiveness, that's practically what you were doing.

He hadn't said anything yet and you concluded that all your effort was useless. It had been a mistake to go looking for him, as well as trying to get even the slightest proof that he had ever missed you and you wished you had never opened your mouth. You sighed to contain the urge to cry and without saying anything else you turned towards the exit, intending to leave and return only for your money, but Kaz's voice echoed.

"Do you remember what I told Pekka?"

You stopped.

“You told him many things, you will have to be more specific”

"About not loving anything" he replied. Your hand trembled on the doorknob at the mere thought of what he was implying and I was able to hear your racing heart pounding in your chest. You heard footsteps and, still without moving, you heard him speak again "That's why I drifted apart”

You never, even in your wildest dreams, imagined that he would say something like that to you and perhaps you were just deluding yourself with the implication of the words, but it was enough to make you freeze in place.

"I still don't understand how that relates to me” you expressed in a low voice. Kaz took a few more steps towards you until you could see his shadow mingling with yours and you felt it was time to turn. He was watching you from above, seriously.

"I didn't want…" he trailed off. You would almost say he was nervous “I didn't want you to be…”

"A weak spot," you said without thinking, followed by a sigh that sounded almost amused "That's your problem, Kaz," you continued, your gaze far across the room, "You think love is a person's greatest weakness, when it's not like that"

"It is not?"

"No" you exclaimed with determination "I believe that... many times love is what keeps us alive. Struggling"

You were speaking for yourself when you said this. What was your motivation every day? In the past, the love for Kaz. Now, it was love for yourself and the hope that one day someone could love you with the intensity with which you loved others.

“I had already lost Jordie. I didn't want to lose you too,” he finally said and that's when your eyes locked with his. You never thought he would verbally express something like that.

“And did you prefer that I lose you?" you whispered in pain. You wanted him to be aware of things, because it seemed like it had never crossed his mind to stop thinking about your well-being and start thinking about your feelings. “You don't just lose someone when they die, Kaz. You can also lose those who are fully alive”

He didn't say anything, because he clearly didn't know what to answer to that, and while he reflected on your words, you caught a glimpse of a certain vulnerability in his blue eyes that you had rarely seen. I couldn't say that you knew the man in front of you better than anyone, but you had a considerable advantage thanks to the years you had lived with him.

“Okay, just… listen” you started to say, knowing he most likely wouldn't give you an answer “I know it's hard to live as we do— as all of us at The Barrel live, but the risks I decide or don't take. They are my decision, not yours. These years you have sought to keep me out of danger and I appreciate it, but you have to learn to trust me”

"I do. I trust you"

"Then show me," you replied. You couldn't help noticing that, even with his stained face, Kaz was still the most handsome man you'd ever seen “Friends do not avoid each other, nor do they move away and despite that, during all these years I have trusted you as from the first moment we were left alone”

You didn't know if you were saying the right thing, but at least you were saying something.

"And if it's too late?"

It was too late? Kaz wondered. He wondered if it was too late to open up to someone, to try to get over his trauma, to let go and finally love you the way he wanted to.

But all this remained as a thought, phrases that couldn’t leave his throat.

“It's not for me,” you assured him. “But my patience won't last forever. I think you should know that”

You couldn't even imagine how many emotions Kaz was trying to process at that moment, but even he himself didn't understand what a mess you'd made of him with that conversation. From his perception, he had admitted that he loved you, but from his eyes, you didn't seem affected by it. And you, contrary to what he thought, felt like you were going to faint.

You were about to leave, for the second time, but he spoke:

“Stay,” he said, sounding more desperate than he would have liked. “I don't know what to say, but… just stay here. I don't want us to be alone tonight”

Us. That fucking habit of Kaz's to speak in the plural and make you a nervous wreck.

You looked at the bed and found that it was too small for both of you, to which we had to add his refusal to be close to others. Proof of this was the unconscious movement of sticking your hands as close as possible to his body during the entire time you were talking.

"Use the bed, obviously you need it more than me" you muttered and went directly to the armchair. Fortunately your first impression wasn’t wrong, it was very comfortable.

The room was so small that the apparent distance between the pieces of furniture didn't mean much, so when he sat on the bed you could see him perfectly.

The memory of one of the times when both of you were in similar situations came to your mind. That night you had been woken by frightened screams from the next room, in that abandoned house where you and Kaz found shelter, forcing you out of bed to investigate.

It was hard to comfort a person without physically touching them, especially when he had nightmares, and over the months you'd had to get used to it. The boy hated waking you up, it made him feel guilty and stupid, but you always kept him company. You never spoke, never asked questions, you just stayed there so he knew he wasn't alone.

Maybe something like that was what Kaz needed tonight.

"Rest" you exclaimed. His head turned to look at you and you detected a different and special glow in his eyes; as if it were a mixture of fear, softness, and gentleness. You appreciated that look for a few more seconds, which you feared you would never see again in your life, and then you reached out your hand to turn off the light on the desk.

Silence reigned in the darkness.

You settled in the chair, trying to figure out what would be the best sleeping position, and at the same time you heard Kaz slide between the sheets on the bed. After a while, your eyelids felt heavy, a consequence of the fatigue that the hustle and bustle of the day had left you, and when you were about to fall asleep, a voice pulled you out of your reverie.

"Thank you. For everything”

The phrase was a whisper, a delicate caress in your ear, but you understood it clearly. And you decided to think that when Kaz said 'for everything' he meant literally everything you had selflessly done for him during his life; like he just realized you were important. But it's not that he had just noticed it, but that he had just accepted it.

You wanted to stretch out the moment as long as you could because, even if you weren't looking at him, you knew he was awake thanks to the sound of his breathing, but at some point sleep overcame you and you fell fast asleep.

Kaz had nightmares that night, like always, but the difference was that when he woke up in shock in the morning, you were in the same room. So seeing you there, keeping him company, was reason enough to calm him down.

And like every time this had happened, he felt like the luckiest man in the world.

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