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capricores · 4 years

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hey, love 💓 hope you’re having a good day. I just discovered I have an Aquarius stellium and I don’t really know what it means 🙃

thank you so much angel! aquarius stellium:

“extrovert-passing introverts” // aquarius stelliums are great at being social, and they like connecting with people, but they tend to hate being social at the exact same time, they like isolation/alone time and can have a pretty short fuse for dealing with people (it’s pretty conflicting! they have a love-hate relationship with being social lol, it highly depends on the house of the aquarius stellium in this case)

they tend to have that “social battery”, but it works both ways. they need social interaction for happiness (esp aquarius moon/venus), but they also usually need a day or three to recharge after social interactions/gatherings

despite their very chill, calm exterior i do find they get irritated and frustrated pretty easily, they have a very low tolerance for people’s bs and they aren’t usually great at hiding their annoyance (mostly because they simply don’t care to; in an aquarian’s mind they don’t generally see why they would hide their emotions for your sake)

surprisingly very stubborn! people expect them to be open since they’re an air sign; and mind you, they are very good at listening and understanding new ideas, concepts, ways of thinking/doing things, etc., but it’s pretty rare for aqua dominant people to change their ways/mind; and if they do it has to be on their own terms & feel like it was their own choice/idea

they can have issues when it comes to embracing & accepting their emotions; they tend to intellectualize and try to rationalize everything they feel (this will depend heavily on the individual’s moon though)

tend to be musically and/or artistically inclined, usually the most talented and creative people you’ll ever meet (i find most aquarians use art/music as an outlet; and a huge chunk of aquarius stelliums i’ve “studied” or read for have made their careers in the art fields)

i’ve noticed they tend to stutter a lot when speaking! aquarian dominant people (esp aquarius moons, mercurys) have this habit of speaking before they’ve actually formed the thought/planned out what they were gonna say: so they kinda of just “sjlkfdjdlkf” irl sometimes or take a while to finish their sentence (scattered speaking style)

they don’t like talking about their emotions/feelings unless they can be self-deprecating about it or make a relatable meme/joke out of it

very analytical people and they overthink anything and everything that people say and do (especially with aquarius moon and/or mercury)

they’re quite blunt, they don’t generally sugarcoat things and can be as cutthroat as aries/capricorn are stereotyped to be

on that note, they often just say what’s on their mind at the time and they don’t intend to hurt people, they just don’t often realize the things they’re saying are hurtful/too blunt

aquarians are very, ‘why would i filter myself for someone? i don’t want people to filter to me’, and it can be hard for them to understand some people’s sensitivities in conversation

they really despise copycat or reflector-type individuals; their biggest turn-offs tend to be those who follow the crowd, don’t think for themselves, mold themselves for others, etc

aquarians can take a really, really long time to fall in love i find, as they tend to not care for it and usually just view people in a “friend way”, but once they find “their person” they are 100000% committed and will probably make big steps (from saying “i love you” to straight up moving in together, marriage, etc) very fast

undeveloped they do run a habit of having “hot and cold” relationships; a tendency to become super attached very fast only to flip the switch and detach shortly after, usually after they lose interest or become too comfortable

on the topic of romance again, aquarians also (or at least as i’ve noticed) do not use “i love you” very easily or lightly, even if they DO love you and you’re best friends/in a committed long-term relationship/etc, they don’t use the phrase very often and tend to save it for very select times

again can have a lot of trouble expressing their feelings and emotions so they can be a bit awkward at first and for a while in relationships

again they’re VERY independent and they need alone/recharging time or they’ll get very frustrated and anxious

they get very protective of their creations, ideas and style; so when they feel they’re being imitated; or when their ideas are criticized; they get extremely upset and defensive

also very humanitarian!! i’ve noticed despite most aquarians being like “oh i hate the world/society/people/etc” they have this constant, inner need to help people/the environment/the world and tend to be really passionate about it (aquarius energy is very “fuck the world!! im gonna still save it tho”)

aquarian stelliums probably had an emo phase and if they managed to escape it they probably still dress like they’re in their emo phase lol

depending on their ascendant/midheaven they likely have a pretty unique sense of style as well; i find those with strong aquarian influence often wear very “stand out”, “in your face” and original outfits; very much the type to constantly be changing their hair colour & makeup styles as well (they like wearing things or having aesthetics that tend to shock others; they secretly enjoy getting reactions out of people)

these individuals are very committed to their work and hobbies, they tend to put those above everything else in their life. a lot of people forget the aquarian connection to saturn; aquarians are usually very committed to their jobs and work very hard when they’re in the work-zone

their friends tend to be a hugely significant part of their life too; aquarius moons/venuses especially tend to talk about their close friends ALL the time and they’re very, very protective of them (so loyal)

aquarius stelliums tend to have lots of acquaintances but only a few select close friends (and even most of those close friends they don’t fully open up to)

usually struggles with intimacy and vulnerability

they tend to radiate a lot of natural confidence and security in themselves, despite how insecure they may feel inwardly

not to stereotype, but they do usually tend to be drawn to obscure, occult or controversial things. often the types to have “weird” hobbies, interests or habits

often very into, or open to, things like astrology, conspiracy theories, spirituality, etc! but they do think very rationally and logically, so they like to analyze and pick apart these things at the same time, they don’t just accept and follow these things (they have no issue with picking apart their own passions and interests either, so if you debate an aquarius they probably already know what you’re gonna say lol)

usually have the nagging desire to be known (whether it be famous, or just accepted/loved by many/friends/family/etc); they likely felt misunderstood and abandoned their entire life (namely in childhood) so now they have a huge craving to be in the spotlight; although they hate admitting this

aquarians have the ability to fit in well with many types of people, yet often in childhood they were excluded and/or subjects of bullying i’ve noticed (oftentimes from their own family), which is part of the reason why they frequently grow up lacking a feeling of “belonging” or feel like “outsiders”; they deep down crave to be accepted and embraced/have fans/supporters

aquarius stelliums often struggle with fears of abandonment which contributes more to their isolation habits and independent “i dont need anyone but me and my spotify playlists” nature

they despise being controlled, tied down or told what to do; often if you tell an aquarius not to do something they’ll go out of their way to do it, even if they initially didn’t want to do said thing lol (the house that’s in aquarius will show the area of life in which they “rebel” the most; or are the most uncontrollable/free/independent)

random note: i also find aquarius stelliums are frequently very awkward around children/don’t usually desire nor want any at all

#astrology #aquarius #aquarius stellium #anonymous #question

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teresa-moyocoyotzin · 3 years

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QOTS 5.09 “I Love You” Scenes Meta

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 5.09 OF QUEEN OF THE SOUTH ABOUND

Okay this is basically just me trying to place James and Teresa’s ILY scenes within the larger context of their relationship and other kisses, and analyzing their respective reactions!

(Also just a disclaimer that obviously this is just one fan’s interpretation, there’s no right or wrong here! This is just how I see it and hopefully it’ll connect w some of y’alls insight too!)

Oh boy okay so I’m just gonna do this in the style of my old Bolivia visions meta b/c I think the best in bullet point form, so we’re just gonna go thru the scenes like super in depth, w/ way more detail than necessary. Think of it as a close reading, but instead of a piece of writing, it’s a tv show, and it has no sources except My Opinions lol

I’m still planning to actually write out my reactions to the whole episode when I re-watch it, but I can’t stop picking apart the I Love You scenes b/c honestly there’s so much going on there! Come on y’all this has been building since the second episode of this show there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m mostly focusing on how these kisses are vastly different from any of their other kisses IMO and how that affects the love confessions!

THIS IS GONNA BE UNNECESSARILY LONG AND NOT VERY ORGANIZED, BE WARNED

Let’s start when James says “You wouldn’t let me do it, so why should I let you?” shall we? B/c THIS MOMENT

SO as others have pointed out, this line really feels like a love confession in and of itself, and I’m sure if they hadn’t confessed their feelings in the same scene we would all be obsessing about it. I low-key am anyways..

Sure they’ve acknowledged that they do things to protect each other etc. etc. but this is really James making sure that she knows that he knows that SHE knows that they both feel the same way, and he’s not dancing around it anymore, not when she’s throwing herself into danger yet again. Teresa doesn’t have an answer, but it does make something click in her brain. No matter what moral code she’s following these days, if James was walking into a death trap like that she wouldn’t want him to go and would try to stop him. And right now, he’s feeling the same thing for her, he knows that she cares as much about him as he cares about her and that it’s a LOT, and he’s telling it straight to her face.

When she kisses him, I think it’s an acknowledgment of that, as well as her sort of trying to return the sentiment. And also, she doesn’t have a good answer to his question and wants to kiss him so she does!! James is clearly surprised by the kiss, as evident by his posture and slowly relaxing into the kiss. But THEN

After James’ brain catches up, he kisses her again, and even tho it’s short it looks to me like a pretty powerful, strong kiss!!?? (hard to tell b/c as usual…. they filmed it in a black hole..) and to me, it reads like he really let all his true feelings come through in that kiss POSSIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Now, lemme explain. Their first kiss in 3.05 was undeniably full of feelings and emotions, and I’m sure that night was super passionate and full of love! However, knowing what we know now about how everything plays out, I don’t think they were really at the point of saying ILY yet. Even if they did both love each other then, and I think they did, they had a lot of trust issues and abandonment issues to work through first. And as we all know, after that night everything goes to shit and they go about 12 steps backwards. My main point here is that I think both James and Teresa are still feeling generally unsure about each other’s feelings during their first kiss. This is also true for.. literally all of their kisses? Until now. Because in 3.09, they’re just super horny from taking over Phoenix but Teresa is just barely getting over Guero’s death in that episode.. I think that kiss was more about them feeling like the King and Queen of phoenix and less about their Actual Feelings (just imo obviously). And then they kiss after Teresa gets back form Bolivia but Teresa is suspecting him then and he’s certainly feeling her hesitation so no big feelings in that kiss either. Then of course there’s the goodbye kiss at the end of s3, and yes in that one I do think they were both letting their true feelings show in their kiss but they were both misinterpreting the other’s feelings and both were in a way lying to the other in that scene. James about his reason for leaving, and Teresa about her true reasons for wanting him to stay. And THEN, the kiss at the beginning of s5 is very much a “I’m happy you’re back, I want to be with you, but we can’t” kind of kiss, and again, there were feelings there but they were both still holding something back, and still not on the same page about what they wanted and were working towards. But in this kiss, they are on the same page , working toward the same thing, which is to get themselves OUT, together. Ever since they made that decision, there is an implicit agreement between them that they’re getting out together, and I think they both know that they want to be together if they make it out. And they both are desperate to have the other know their feelings before any potential deaths. However, they don’t really KNOW that they’re on the same page until that KISS.

SO ALL THIS TO SAY that in my eyes, the main reason Teresa’s so shocked is that this is the first time that James didn’t hold ANY of his love for her back when he kissed her, and she FELT IT babeyy. Teresa initiates this kiss to show him her true feelings, which takes him bit by surprise, but then he returns the feelings Full Force which takes Teresa totally by surprise.

I mean just look at her face after they part, before he says ILY. She looks shocked and confused, almost a little angry? I don’t think it’s really anger though, so much as it is being taken aback by the emotions that James is laying all out on the table for her to clearly see. Her face here is actually what drove me to write this meta, because at first I was so confused as to why she looked so shook up after the first kiss, cuz like girl U INITIATED IT?? I think part of it is that Teresa was a bit taken aback by the strength of her own feelings in that moments and the urge to kiss him despite them not being out of the business yet. She’s realized that if she’s gonna die tomorrow, she wants to kiss James first, and she wants that like, really bad. And also she loves him and was overcome w the urge to show him. But mainly, I really don’t think she expected to be met w/ such strong love from James’ kiss, because all the other times, he had been holding back his feelings.

James’ face after the kiss totally plays into this theory for me - he looks like he just got CAUGHT. She’s looking at him like what the Fuck was that!!! And he’s like oh SHit now I just gotta say it. The way he looks at her and shakes his head a little like, wow I’m really about to say it. I think it’s been on the tip of his tongue all episode, but he realized he just totally showed his hand with that kiss and there’s no going back now.

But omg you guys his face when he says it just SENDS ME TO THE FLOOR his little smile???? Like he’s thinking “how did we end up here? am I really about to tell Teresa I love her? YEP”

I don’t think she had any intention of telling him her feelings so outright yet, to me it totally makes sense that he tells her first. At the beginning of the season, Teresa made it clear that she does want to be with James, but she felt restricted by their life. So, James has spent the past season coming to terms with a) that Teresa still wants to be with him if they can get out of the business, b) that she’s changed a lot and no longer follows her old moral code, and c) that he still loves her even if she’s not entirely the same person he fell in love with originally.

Meanwhile Teresa came to terms w/ the fact that she wanted to be w/ him early in the season but pushed that Right down after indulging in 1 kiss (which I think was also meant to be a reassurance that she did want to be with him) but spent the rest of the season trying to grow her business, which in her mind would forever keep her from being able to be with James. So even if she acknowledged her feelings, she was not letting herself dwell on them. James, however… oh boy has he been dwelling. Especially since Dumas so kindly pointed his feelings out to him lol. So I think Teresa’s strong feelings for James have been building under the surface but she wasn’t allowing herself to acknowledge them at all, and therefore I think she kind of surprised herself a bit by kissing him, was then even more surprised by how strongly her feelings were showing, and then James hits her with a Big Feelings kiss and then an I Love You??? Oh boy

Taking this into account it totally makes sense that she looks super shocked after James tells her, even if they both have ~known~ for a long time. Y’know?

Okay so then there’s the sex scene which I LOVED omg, like absolutely zero complaints, super hot, exactly what they and we deserved. I’m not gonna get into it b/c I think it speaks for itself, but like, would happily read a meta about it if someone wrote it 👀

Anyways I think the morning after, when Teresa is laying in bed admiring James, is when Teresa is really digesting all of these feelings and the fact of them being out in the open, and she’s deciding that she needs to tell James she loves him, like ASAP. She is also at the same time having to accept that she’s going on a super dangerous mission today that she night not come back from, and if she does come back from it, they’re gonna have to still find a way Out. All in all, safe to say she’s got a lot going on in her mind, but it’s clear by her gazing at him that James is a big factor in all of it.

I love the next scene so much omg

They’ve gotten ready for the day and James is once again pulling tricks out of his bag to ensure her safety, and she’s just.. staring at him. My personal headcanon here is that Teresa’s intuition was telling her that a) the phonegun was gonna be irrelevant, and b) that she had about 30 seconds before her phone rang and she had to leave for potential death. Therefore it just blocked out literally everything but James and needing to tell him that she loved him. The moment I love the most is actually when James says “Here, try it” and he steps closer and she sort of jolts like they’re physically connected. The first time I saw the scene I literally gasped from that one step he takes because they just had this electric pull between them that was so obvious that I literally felt it. The chemistry!!!!

She’s just so focused on him in that moment and that whole scene, and the way she whispers “I love you” likes she just HAS to say it, she has to make sure he KNOWS she loves him before she runs off to risk her life. And the fact that it happens while James is actively trying to set her up for protection??? POETIC CINEMA I tell you. Kudos to Alice for that because apparently it was her idea and it’s my FAVE

Another thing that I really don’t know how to interpret but I find interesting from a cinematic point of view: James and Teresa are literally left in the dark during James’ love confession. It’s at night, and there is NO DAMN LIGHT AT ALL ON THEIR FACES (I bet the gif makers really appreciated that one huh…) so we can’t even see their reactions very well. Meanwhile, when Teresa confesses her feelings, it’s super brightly lit, in a white room, she’s wearing white, we can see all of the emotions on their faces. IDK what this is meant to symbolize exactly, so if anyone has thoughts PLEASE share them.

James seems a little in shock after, I think he really didn’t expect her to say it, even if he assumed she felt the same. And I think he was okay w/ that and had accepted it, knowing it would be really hard for her to say. After all, once she acknowledges it, it’s that much more painful if they have to say goodbye…

I think the way she says it perfectly captures how hard it is for her to get the words out, even if she feels an overwhelming urge to say them and make sure he knows. She seems very sure of her feelings, and I don’t think she hesitated to tell him at all, but it’s still a big step, and presumably the last person she said ILY to, in this context, was Guero. And his death destroyed her, so ofc she’s be scared to admit that she’s in love and put herself at the risk of losing it again. God Alice did such a good job w/ that line it really gets me every time. So sure, and soft, but with no room for doubt. Like she knows he doesn’t expect her to say it, but she can’t bear to let him think she doesn’t love him back. And it’s so simple too, like she’s saying “of COURSE I love you, how could you think I don’t?” AHHHH

And just the way she stares at him the whole time like she’s just waiting for him to stop talking so she can say it, and while she waits she’s perfectly happy to ignore the situation at hand and think about how she loves him and he loves her and also probably how good he FUCKS cuz like……………y’all saw his hand goin’ down there after he flips her over right 👀 okay ANYWAYS

So she finally tells him!!!!!! That she loves him!!! And kisses him!! Just to really drive the point home. And because, again, I think something was telling Teresa to kiss her man and tell him she loves him because she was about to get a call from Kostya’s men any second.

I really think James’ sort of blank look after she tells him is just him being in shock that she actually said it. I would have loved to know what he would have said after that, but alas.

That final shot before the phone rings though ❤️ their foreheads together, her hand on his heart and his hand on her hand, also the way that visually her arm (clothed in white) is across his body (clothed in black/gray) and vice versa w/ his arm is across her body, sort of continuing the sort of yin-yang theme they have going this season, I just think is a cool touch on the behalf of whoever choreographed/directed the scene.

I also interpret it as a very grounding moment for both of them, rooted in physical touch but not sexual in any way, just comforting. They finally can completely take comfort in each other because their feelings are out in the open and they’re completely connected. AGH they really have me in a chokehold lol

Anyways this is so fucking long and rambly, I don’t know if it makes sense but I did my best to proofread, I’m so sorry but thank you for reading if you’ve made it all the way here, or like even if you made it thru 1/16 of it lol I APPRECIATE YOU

I’m not sure what the main point is here, but anyways I think the actors, writers, directors, etc. did an amazing job w/ their I Love You scenes and I’m personally feeling v satisfied w/ it!

#i have no idea if i'm even saying anything new here but somehow i could not rest until i wrote it down lol so here ya go #qots meta #queen of the south meta #queen of the south #qots #jeresa #jeresa meta #qots spoilers #queen of the south spoilers #jeresa spoilers

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vimbry · 3 years

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You have been prompted hit us with those ideas :)

so shockingly, it’s a yotsubato au idea. I hope that’s what was expected haha but um. I've just been thinking about mr yousuke koiwai actually being trans. and by extension the one who had yotsuba. :)

I’m being super indulgent here in that he is someeewhere on the non-binary spectrum. teetering on masc; presenting as masc, refers to himself in a masculine way for convenience because you know, explaining that identity to people is hard and potentially troublesome. it doesn’t really bother him, so long as it’s not his agab.

he’s stealth, of course. moving away to the suburbs with new people made this a hell of a lot easier. apart from with his immeadiate family, naturally. and jumbo, he’s aware too, cause they were friends from being little and it’d be pretty unavoidable. yanda isn’t; koiwai was already presenting as male by the time they met and it just never comes up. he prob never even makes much of an effort to have it be a secret around him, he’s just cis, naive, and oblivous lmao but he’s a good guy really.

the reason the name yousuke took so long to crop up in the series is because he spent a very long time choosing it. he’s not really encountered anyone in the past 5 months of the manga’s timeline who ever needs to know/use his given name, anyway. even his bestie settled on referring to him by his family name until he felt comfortable with one and now it’s sorta stuck.

despite his family’s general acceptance and support of koiwai, they don’t actually know that he’s yotsuba’s bio parent. they highly Suspected it, but they didn’t pry, and he wouldn’t tell, so they eventually pushed it out of mind as families will do with things and it became irrelevant. she was an adorable big hit with everyone when they eventually came back home anyway, so that was more the focus! altho I do like the idea of jumbo being the exception, how there’s some things you could tell your closest loyal friend but not your family. it might’ve just slipped out between them.

jumbo got caught off guard when ena asked him about yotsuba’s mother and came up with “oh she was uhhh abandoned. she doesn’t have one” on the spot, and koiwai just rolled with that when fuuka later asked about it. look he even stalls a sec while trying to think something up. :)

“(internally panicking and buffering) hahaha yea an orphan right jumbo’s such a jokester haha - it’s true tho”

as for her real origins, it’s as boring and simple as you’d expect from a character frequently described as casually irresponsible lmao. (nah I’ll cut him some slack. sometimes things can’t be avoided/you’re on T and think it’s an impossibility, easily done). you've had a lot of heavy projects to deal with, you find a local lgbt friendly hotspot to wind down in, you end up meeting someone, it happens all the time. so he got stuck somewhere overseas in some apartment "””working away””” a little longer than anticipated.

his age was confirmed in an interview with the creator as “very early 30s”, so this would put him in his mid-to-late 20s when yotsuba’s born. still a bit in flux with his identity, this definitely not helping. took a few years to get everything together and return to japan.

we all know the experience of navigating gender can sure be, difficult. koiwai’s still a relatively young guy, and like most people, is taking things each day at a time. so I’m also just gonna go ahead and use this au to overexplain the basic style-shifting in-universe as hormone treatment microdosing/trying out different ways to present as the months progress aha. I mean, he looks SO drastically different. I know a few of them do but man! that is 2 different guys.

(also why he has that little bit of stubble there in chapter 7 and never again. unfortunately discovered that he’s apparently very good at growing a beard. didn’t like it, not for him. shaving is one of the few things he will force himself to do often. thanks azuma for deciding to draw him unshaven once and then likely deciding it was too tedious to replicate in future chapters so I can take this n run with it).

yotsuba’s also unaware that she’s Not adopted because she’s 5 and would tell everyone lol. also koiwai’s built up these nerves and reluctance around sharing it. it’s one of his reasons for harshly reinforcing how she shouldn’t lie. he’s projecting in keeping an especially large one up around her himself, and he also wants to raise her to feel she can always be honest with him about anything. she’s probably told one day as she gets older anyway. I think it’d be cute if they ended up looking super alike. 🥺

anyway yes thank you that is my thoughts !

#long post #asks #trans pregnancy cw #implied anyway #yotsuba #HI wow sorry a lot idea spilled out can you tell I've been hyperfixatin creatin for a short while here #seriously thank you I love my long rants to be valiated in advance hahaha <3 #ngl even with canon adopted yotsuba I'm still gonna hc him as trans regardless lol #he just is #and because I'm in two minds I have an au of an au where his family Do know and flew out to spend time with him for a lil bit because sweet

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leonstamatis · 2 years

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14, 16, 18?

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

oh at the VERY end. sometimes i’ll think of one earlier on, but usually i get to the end and comb through the songs i’ve been listening to as i wrote and pull a lyric. sometimes a poem is the inspiration so i’ll pull a line from there. i’ve gotten better about having a title earlier on, but it changes a lot. i have a theory that if i come up with a title before i even start writing the project is doomed, so i never do that.

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

oh yeah. “stellar drift” was a fun one for this. i played around with interspersing found documents and the like, mostly because I was writing a story I’d already sort of told before from a different point of view and wanted it to be different.

“no escape” has been SUPER challenging for this exact reason, too, because i kind of want it to feel like cut scenes in a video game? i’ve tried to keep most of them short to keep the plot moving so it’s been interesting thinking about how to weave together plots when you only run into a character three or four times and get a grand total of 900 words about them, plus some interspersed snippets of what basically amount to voicemail messages. it’s interesting and very fun and also unlike anything I’ve ever tried.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

i have a lot of these actually. i tend to build a plot way out with the desire to include Everything and then i have to reel it back in. there was going to be a whole thing in “the valor i have won” about helga’s incin. didn’t have a way to do it without disrupting the momentum, had to leave it out. there was a version of “dying to live” where chorby came to lenny to help her take care of the instability bruising. i have about a billion different half-formed ideas about what lani would have gone through on the mechs that almost went into “good intentions,” but then i opted not to write more than i had. the original draft of “distance to measure out” was written before I bothered to check reblase and realized famous was a batter, so they actually stood on the mound and taunted lottie with the faces of dead tigers while she was up to bat. that’s all i got right now but. OH and “the long way down” was originally about randy marijuana and margo nava, which you know and i have said before.

#ask meme #tam.ask #waveridden #thanks dear!!

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sunkissedspider · 4 years

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Complicated | Peter Parker

MASTERLIST

***taglist is open!!! just send an ask or message me and i’ll add you :)***

***requests are open!!! just send an ask or message me your request if you have one :)***

pairing: Peter Parker x reader

summary: your and Peter's relationship is strictly physical... but what happens when feelings get in the way?

warnings: angst, smut, unprotected sex (please wrap it before you tap it), making out, language, fluff, etc.

listen to: i love you, bitches broken hearts, wish you were gay, and my boy by Billie Eilish (get ready for some Sad Vibes™ and some Angry Vibes™)

word count: 5.9k+ (👀👀)

a/n: parts of this are super angsty and sad. does it have a happy ending?... we'll see 👀. sorry for any spelling and/or grammar errors!!

You and Peter had a... complicated relationship, to say the least. Not only had you two been best friends since the third grade, but you had also been sleeping with each other for a year and a half. You guys had make the decision to lose your virginities to each other, and since it went really well, you both thought "why not do this for a while?".

No, you and Peter weren't dating, you were strictly friends with benefits. Honestly, you sometimes didn't understand why you guys weren't official, but then you remembered the conversation that you two had had with each other after the first few times you guys had sex. The conversation about how if sleeping with each other didn't ruin your friendship, dating probably would. Sure, you two still did the same things that you did before you guys had first slept together. Movie nights every Friday after school, hours spent at the carnival with Ned, MJ, and Betty, drives to the diner at 3 am whenever you got bored... only now, they were followed by absolutely mind-blowing sex. It was never awkward after though, like how you originally thought it would be.

You found it funny how you could always tell whenever Peter was horny; the way he would squirm in his seat, how he would move his textbooks to cover the bulge in his jeans, how needy he was, and no many other countless things. You couldn't even remember how many times you'd be watching t.v. on his couch, and he'd just lean over and kiss your neck in the way that drove you crazy, and then you'd end up having fucking incredible sex on every surface of his apartment.

But the times weren't always happy. Sometimes you'd fight. And when you cough, you fought. Yelling, screaming, doors slamming, the whole shebang. You two fought like you were a couple, but you knew you'd never be an actual one, and you kind of liked it that way, if you were being honest. You got all of the sex and the talking and (most) of the good things, all without the commitment (even though you both weren't sleeping or dating other people). And you always had thought that Peter liked it that way too.

***

"Petey!" You exclaimed, sitting down in front of him at the cafeteria, his eyes moving to look up at you from his phone. "I've got an idea."

"What is it?" He asked, with raised suspicion in his voice, noticing your wicked smile.

"Can we please, please, please go to that abandoned building that we drove past that one time?" You whisper-scream, your eyes darting all around Peter's face, trying to guess his response.

"Absolutely not," He breathes out, laughing quietly. "That place looks haunted as fuck. There's no way in hell I'm going in there."

"But I love scary shit! Please, Peter?" You plead, giving him the best puppy dog eyes you could, but he just looks away from you.

"No way, Y/N L/N." He elaborates, taking a sip of your water that he had stolen from you.

"Come on, Pete." You whined, before lowering your voice, reaching to race small circles on one of his forearms and hands. "I'll do that thing that you like so much." You bit your lip softly, looking up at him through your long eyelashes, knowing that it drives him crazy.

He clenches his jaw, a slight blush covering his cheeks, looking up at the ceiling in thought for a moment before looking back at you, his eyes darkened with lust. "Fine. But only because you're my best friend and you're really good at it."

***

It was about two hours after Peter dropped you off at your apartment that he knocked on your door, his "adventure bag" in his hands.

"Ready?" He asked, holding up two flash lights, an excited smile on his face.

You nodded eagerly, saying goodbye to your parents before grabbing your own bag, meeting Peter out in the hallway. He grabbed onto your hand softly, both of you walking out of your apartment building, matching goofy grins on your faces.

***

"Here you go," Peter laughed, opening the passenger side door for you, shutting it when you were buckled in. "You excited?" He asked after sliding into the car, buckling his won seatbelt.

"Very," You said, laughing slightly as you looked through all of the personal mix CDs that you and Peter had made together, perfectly fitting your matching taste in music. "I can't believe I actually convinced you to go with me."

"I get to spend, like... Wait, three hour drive there, we'll spend, like, two hours there, and then three hour drive back... Yeah, I get to spend eight extra hours with you, so, really, it's awesome either way." He breathed out, looking over at your as you continued flipping through the CDs, looking up at him briefly to smile at him.

"I, uh, I bought some extra stuff from Mr. Delmar's too." He said, reaching into the back seat of his car, grabbing his, what you two called it, adventure bag. "Two sandwiches with pickle, a couple packs of gum, two Cokes, a few waters, and another CD." He says, smiling at you, reaching over to do your handshake, but you just ignored it. Instead, you leaned over the center console, hugging Peter tightly.

He just smiled, hugging you back even tighter, moving his head to kiss you on the cheek before you two smiled even wider, pulling away before starting the radio, Peter pulling out of the parking lot, the GPS on his phone already coming on, telling him to turn left in six miles.

***

"Okay, okay. Uhm... Jennifer Aniston?" You asked, taking a sip of your water.

"Oh, hell yeah. I'd do her in a heartbeat." He says almost immediately, causing you both to laugh loudly.

"Harry Styles?" He asks, switches lanes on the highway as you smile widely.

"Abso-fuckin'-lutely! How could anyone not wanna fuck him?" You both laugh, before Peter's face suddenly turns serious.

"Are you, uh... Are you, ya know, sleeping with anyone else?" He asks, his Adam's apple bobbing as he gulps nervously.

You scoff, slapping Peter playfully on the chest. "No, Pete. I'm shocked that someone as hot as you wants to sleep with me. Besides, I like having sex with you. You're fucking amazing in bed." You giggle quietly, looking at the way Peter's cheeks are flushed a bright red at your praise.

Peter tries his best to not let a cocky smile take over his face. Obviously he knows how good he is in bed. The noises that you make and the praises that you give him are more than enough for him to know what he's doing is good.

"Are- Are you?" You ask, butterflies flying around deep in your stomach. You knew that you and Peter weren't official. But, for some reason, the thought of him sleeping with another girl made you sick to your stomach.

"Nope. I've never even come close to it. I'm comfortable with you, and sleeping with you is always nice. I don't trust anyone as much as I trust you, and you know how important trust is to me." He breathes out, laughing nervously.

You let out a breath that you were holding. If Peter had been sleeping with another person, he would've told you, and you would've been able to tell even before that. You two were best friends, after all. You knew Peter better than you knew yourself, and vise versa.

***

You and Peter had a blast at the old building, and he ended up being glad that you could convince him to go. Well, he would be gone either way just to spend time with you, but it was cute seeing how much you wanted him to join you.

It's never awkward hanging out with Peter even though you two are sleeping together. Well, it's usually never awkward. If it is, it's only ever when he's dropping you back off at your apartment. You never know whether you two should kiss or if you should just do your secret handshake. That was the one thing you could never figure out about Peter; "Does he wanna kiss me? Does he not wanna kiss me? Do I wanna kiss him?" were the thoughts that ran through your brain constantly, and most of the time you couldn't even look into Peter's eyes when he dropped you off at your place.

He was always gentleman though. Especially when you two were having sex. He would always make sure that you were okay, constantly reminding you of how beautiful you were, how good you felt, how much he was enjoying it, while still making sure you were, etc.

Along with the incredible sex, you and Peter had a nearly unbreakable bond... and you weren't sure if you wanted to test how it could break. Peter is the best friend you've ever had. He was always there to listen, to talk, to be your shoulder to cry on, and so many other things. He was your partner in crime, your ride or die, your boyfriend that wasn't a boyfriend... but who knows, maybe you did want to be with Peter. Even you didn't know the answer to that. And you didn't know if you ever would.

***

"I've got some news!" You squealed, sitting down across from Peter at the lunch table, where you always sat. It had been a few days since you and Peter had gone on your little road trip together, and you had already planned to go back again the following weekend.

"What is it?" He asked, smiling when he saw how happy you were.

"Alright... guess who just asked me out to the movies on Friday..." You said, you're eyes blowing wide with excitement.

It took Peter everything in him to not clench his jaw in anger, trying his best to keep a happy smile on his face. "Who?" He asked, one of his hands holding yours and he rubbed his thumb over the smooth skin.

"Brennan fucking Daniels!" You exclaimed, your smile even wider.

"Oh shit! That's awesome!" Peter said, lying to you for the first time in years.

He hated Brennan. Not just because he liked you and you liked him, or the fact that you and Peter were sleeping with each other, but because he was an asshole. Sure, he seemed nice on the outside, but Peter knew just how cruel he could be. Brennan used to live in the apartment next to Peter's, and even though you lived in the apartment right below Peter's, you never really saw Brennan. But Peter saw, and heard, everything. He saw how in the mornings girls would leave Brennan's apartment with tears in their eyes, their sneakers in their hands as they sped down the hallways, not wanting anyone to know that they were crying. He would date another beautiful girl every two weeks, and then he would throw them away just like they were nothing. Brennan Daniels was a player, he always had been and he always would be, and Peter was shocked that someone as incredible as you was going after an asshole like that.

"I'm sorry that I'm missing movie nigh for the first time in... what? Six years? Seven years? But I promise you that I'll stop by your apartment as soon as my date is over. How about we watch The Notebook this time?" You asked, your eyes turning sad slightly, feeling bad that you would miss hanging out with Peter for a few hours.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Just have fun and enjoy the movie. I'll stop by Mr. Delmar's and grab some snacks, but just take your time." Peter said, putting on his best fake smile. Here he was again, as always, being the supportive best friend that he always was, putting you happiness ahead of his.

"Are you sure, Pete? Because I can reschedule, it's not a problem." You ask, making sure that Peter was really okay with it.

"Positive, just have fun." He fake smiled at you again, trying his best to convince you.

You just smiled, squeezing his hand before turning to talk to Ned, Betty, and MJ, not noticing the small, single tear sliding slowly down the smooth skin of his face, before he wiped it away quickly, leaning forward to join the conversation that you were having with everyone else.

***

"Fuck, Brennan! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" You moaned, your back slamming against Brennan's toned chest as his grip on your waist tightened quickly as his pounded into you at a harsh, rough speed, hitting a spot so deep inside of you that your eyes rolled back as you let out a loud, choked out moan.

"Holy fucking shit. Fuck, are you gonna cum?" He groaned into your ear, his thrusts starting to become sloppier and sloppier as you both came closer to your highs each time he hit deep inside of you.

"Fuck, yes!" You moaned loudly, squealing loudly when he flipped you both, now pounding into even quicker as he looked into your eyes before dipping his head down, biting hard onto your collar bone, the force of his hips slapping against yours was enough for your bed to slam against the wall repeatedly, making you even gladder that your parents were on a date.

"Fucking cum for me, Y/N. Shit!" He groaned, his words only spurring you on further until, with one specifically deep thrust, you came undone underneath him, your walls squeezing him tightly as you moaned loudly, causing him to reach his own orgasm as he quickly pulled out of you, pumping hi cock harshly before he released onto your stomach, moaning out you name loudly as his head went back, before he collapsed onto your bed beside you.

"Fuck," You breathed out, your chest heaving up and down quickly as you tried quickly to regulate your breathing. "That was fucking incredible."

"Yeah. Shit, I thought that you'd be good in bed, but I didn't think you'd be that good." He laughed, looking over at you as he lifted one of his muscular arms above his head, looking over at you before asking you a questions that made butterflies appear in your stomach again. "How many people have you slept with. I know you couldn't have been a virgin before that, you were too good."

"Only one, but I've slept with him a lot before." You breathe out, laughing quietly, before you looked over at Brennan, seeing him start to stand up, gathering his clothes that were scattered all over the floor. "What are you doing?" You ask, trying not to sound nervous.

"I have football practice tomorrow and I need to go home and sleep, but could I see you again sometime soon? I, uh, I had a lot of fun tonight, and I really wanna see you again." He said, slipping his shirt on over his head, pulling his boxers on before he went to your desk, grabbing a towel before walking over to you, wiping his seed off of your stomach for you.

"I'd like that." You said, reaching a hand softly around one side of his neck, pulling his head down to yours, your lips meeting in a soft kiss.

After he got dressed and you threw on a pair of sweats and one of your (Peter's) hoodies, you walked Brennan to your front door, stepping into the hallway before kissing him deeply, your arms wrapped around his neck as you stood on your tippy toes, him leaning down to reach your lips, your figure seeming small compared to his 6'5 height.

"Bye." He said, smiling against your lips before pulling away, clearing his throat loudly when he saw Peter standing at the end of the hallway, his eyes blown wide at the sight of you two kissing in such an intimate way. It made his blood boil and his jaw clench when he saw how you smiled and how happy you seemed when you kissed him.

"Peter? What are you doing here?" You said, raised alarm in your voice. "I'll see you soon, Brennan." You said, waving him goodbye as Peter walked over to you, your body leaning against your front door frame.

"What was all of that about?" Peter asks, watching Brennan as he walked away, only turning to look at you when he saw him turn down the hallway.

"It's nothing, Pete. I thought I was meeting you at your place?" You ask, smiling at Peter, trying to ignore how awkward it was that the guy you were sleeping with caught you with a guy you had just slept with.

"It's late, I didn't want something bad to happen to you." He smiles back, trying his best to cover the pain he felt.

***

"Did you guys have sex?" Peter asked, causing you to turn your head away from his t.v., his tone a serious one, a large contrast to the funny, happy scene that was going on during the movie.

"What?" You ask, laughing, assuming he was joking as you took some popcorn into your hand, your eyes back on the screen as you snacked.

"Did you sleep with Brennan?" He asked, butterflies flying all around his stomach, nervous about the answer.

"Yeah," You shrugged, eyes still following the characters around on the screen. "It doesn't really mean anything though."

"Are you kidding? God, Jesus Christ, please tell me that you're joking." He said, causing you to look at him deeply in the eyes.

"What's wrong, Pete-" You start, before getting interrupted.

"'What's wrong?'?... 'What's wrong?'?! Gee, I don't know, Y/N. Maybe the fact that you fucked goddamn Brennan Daniels. You know he's just gonna leave you, right? He does that with every girl he fucks! And maybe its the fact that you didn't even ask me if you could sleep with him?!" Peter yelled, the first time he's ever yelled at you, his jaw clenched tightly, as he talked with his hands, his leg bouncing up and down, a sign that he was angry.

"Why does it matter so much? It's not like you're my boyfriend!" you snapped back, your body turned to face Peter's.

"What if I want to be? Have you ever though about that?" He shot back, his eyes darkened with anger.

"What are you talking about, Peter?" You said, your voice now back to normal, your eyes blown wide as you tried to make sense of what Peter was telling you.

"Nothing... It's nothing. Get out." He said, his hands going to cover his eyes.

"What?" You asked, your voice breaking at the harsh words coming from your best friend. From the one person that you trusted the most in this world.

"Just get out! Get the fuck out!" Peter screamed at you even louder than before, his hands moving from his face to his sides as he stood up, looking at you right in your eyes.

"Fine." You said, standing up, moving to his front door, slowly opening it, before turning around to look at him again. "Goodbye, Peter." And with that, you left his apartment, quietly closing door, constant streams of tears falling down your face as you desperately tried to wipe them away with the sleeve of Peter's hoodie, his scent that was imprinted on it only making you cry harder.

***

Peter tried to come by your apartment, climbing down the fire escape from his apartment down to yours. He was about to tap on your window until he saw you on your bed; you sat there, crumpled up in a little ball, wrapped in Peter's sweatshirt and your blankets, only your bedside table light on as you cried, your cheeks stained red from your tears.

"Fuck," Peter breathed out. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He muttered before walking back up the fire escape again. His eyes stung as tears pricked up in his waterlines, realizing how bad he had fucked up... realizing that he had lost you.

***

You sat with Brennan the next day at lunch, trying to avoid Peter as much as you could, which was hard since you had almost all of the same classes. Of course, the awkward eye contact happened a few time in the following weeks of not speaking to him.

By the third week, both you and Peter had cut everyone off. Even though you were happy with Brennan, and you believed that he truly liked you, you were sluggish and quieter than you usually were. Unless you and Brennan were having sex, you were always bored. You missed the excitement that Peter brought into your life. He was Spider-Man, for Christ's sake, and you missed the way that he would explain his adventures of the day to you, even if most of them were very eventful. You missed the way that his eyes would light up whenever he saw you, or the way his grin would turn cheesy whenever you said a bad, corny dad joke. You missed the way that he made you feel special. Not just durning sex, but whenever you questioned yourself. Whenever you thought that you looked bad, or whenever you thought that you were stupid because you got a bad grade on a test.

Peter had always been there for you. Ever since you were nine years old. But now you didn't know if you would ever talk to him again. You tried not to think about it much, but whenever a teacher would say something that you could turn into a "That's what she said" joke, you would always curse yourself for looking next to you at Peter, forgetting for just a brief moment that he wasn't your best friend anymore. That he wasn't even your acquaintance anymore. That he was now just some guy that sat next to you in almost all of your classes. In a few months, you knew that Peter wouldn't even exist to you anymore, and that right now, you probably didn't even exist to Peter at all.

***

By this point, it had been two months since you had talked to the only person you had ever trusted with everything in you. You and Brennan had broken up a few weeks after the first time you slept together, and everyone was shocked when they found out that you had broken up with him, not the other way around like everyone had expected, Peter was especially surprised. He thought that you had really liked Brennan. Even if you had liked Brennan as much as Peter and everyone had thought, you knew that you couldn't be with him. Other than the fact that he was obviously cheating on you, you did want to stay with the person that had prompted the fight that had ended your friendship with Peter. Part of Peter wanted you to come back and be his friend again immediately, but the other part of Peter knew that that kind of situation wasn't going to happen. He had shut you out and yelled at you for doing something that he couldn't even really control. After all, he had told you that it was fine for you to go on a date with Brennan. And he had known that you probably were going to sleep with him. You were teenagers, that's what teenagers do.

Peter at this point wasn't even talking to May. It first started when he had quit smiling when they would go get Thai, remembering that it was something you used to join in on. Whenever May would bring you up, Peter's jaw would clench and he'd try and change the subject as quickly as possible. May knew that something was up with your and Peter's friendship after she hadn't seen you for a week. You were either always at Peter's place, he was always at your place, or you guys were always driving around somewhere upstate.

"Peter," May started, walking in front of him as he was seated on the couch, typing away on his laptop as he worked on an assignment for physics. "What happened to Y/N? I haven't seen her in months."

"It's nothing. She's just busy." He dismissed as he continued typing quickly.

"Even when you're both busy, you always find a way to see each other. This is the longest I've seen you be without her since the third grade, Pe-" She said before getting interrupted by Peter.

"I said it's nothing." He said sternly, his voice turning cold.

"Peter-"

"I said it's nothing, May! Jesus Christ, it's fucking nothing!" He yelled, slamming his laptop closed as he got off of the couch, making his way into his bedroom.

"Peter, you have to tel, me what's going on here. I've never seen you like this. What the hell is wrong?" May asked, concern filling her voice.

"Shit! I love her. God, I love her, May. I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t do anything. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate. Please… just tell me what to do.” Peter begged, hot tears beginning to stream down his face, his eyes and cheeks turning red from the overload of emotions he was feeling.

"I'm sorry to say it, but you can’t do anything when you love someone like that, Peter. But you have to tell her or you’ll go crazy." She said, her eyes turning soft. She felt sympathy for Peter, she knew exactly what he was going through.

"I don’t want mess up what her and I have. I can’t lose her, May. I can't." Peter chokes out through tears.

"Just tell her how you feel, Peter. And pray that it’ll work out well."

"It’s not that simple, May! It’s more complicated than that! I’m sorry that I’m yelling, but I’m suffocating in my own feelings over here! Either I’m numb or I’m feeling everything, May… I can’t do this, it’s too much." Peter said, sinking onto the floor as he let his emotions take over him. May immediately ran over to him, sitting down next to him on the floor, hugging him tightly as he sobbed into May's neck, his hot tears soaking her striped shirt.

"You need to go talk to her, Peter. As soon as you possibly can, or you're gonna lose it before you can even say her name." ay said, kissing the top of his head as she pulled away, looking at Peter with sadness in her eyes as he tried to wipe some of is tears away with his hoodie, the one that you had given back to him by leaving it in a brown paper bag my his window on the fire escape.

***

You sat on your bed, trying your best to read one of your favorite books in a desperate attempted to make yourself feel better as one of your and Peter's favorite playlists played quietly in the background.

You jumped sightly when you heard the tapping on your window... it had been a while since you had heard it. Butterflies swarmed your stomach when you saw Peter, and you tried your best to wipe away the tears that filled your eyes and that trailed down your face slowly.

You and Peter looked at each other for the longest time you had in two months, both of you not breathing when you unlocked and opened your window, stepping back to let Peter climb through.

"Can I hug you?" He asked, more tears forming in your eyes as you heard him speak to you for the first time in two months.

"Y-yeah." You managed to choke out.

That was all Peter needed to hear before he wrapped his arms tightly around you, both of you immediately sobbing loudly into each other's embrace.

"Fuck, Y/N. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Peter said over and over again, your head buried in his chest.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I should've talked to you, I should've asked you. God, I'm so sorry, Pete." You cried, both of your grips tightening around each other.

"No, it's my fault. I overreacted. It's just that... I- I..." Peter stuttered out, his grip around you loosening as you stepped only a few feet away to get a good look at his face.

"What is it, Peter?" You asked, one of your hands going up to cup one of his cheeks, rubbing your thumb around the skin, remembering how much you had missed the smoothness of it.

"I-, I'm just gonna say it because I can't think of any other way to put it... Y/N L/N, I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you that it hurts. I've been in love with you since we were nine years old, and that's the reason I freaked out about Brennan. I love you so fucking much, Y/N. Jesus Christ, I can't breathe without you, I can't sleep, I can barely even do my fucking homework without you being around me. And I know that yo probably don't feel the same way about me, and that's okay, but-" He breathed out, a weight visibly lifting from is shoulders and he continued rambling, before you interrupted him.

"Peter, shut the fuck up." You laughed, causing him to top dead in his tracks.

"W-what?" He asked, his eyes widening with fear.

"I'm in love with you too, Peter. God, how could I not be? You're the sweetest, smartest, funniest guy I know. And I am so in love with you that I can't even read my favorite fucking book!" You said before stepping closer to him, your arms slowly starting to wrap themselves softly around his neck.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, his arms starting wrap around your waist, pulling you closer to each other.

"Please." You breathe out quietly.

And with that, you and Peter kissed for the first time in what felt like forever. Just two dumb and in love kids. You stood up on your tippy toes to deepen the kiss. It was one of those movie kisses... the total sparks flying, butterflies in the stomach kisses. It was one of the main things that you had missed. You missed how perfectly his lips molded to your, like they were two puzzle pieces that could only fit together with the other.

"Peter," You moaned when he started to kiss down your neck, his hands quickly lifting your sweatshirt off of you, you crawling onto the bed when you felt the backs of your legs hit your bed. "Please." You said, Peter's body situated between yours as he kissed your neck, his sweatshirt already discarded somewhere on your floor, your bare chests pressed against each other's.

"Please what?" He smirked against your chest, nipping on your bare breasts lightly.

"Fuck, make love to me, Peter." You begged, your back arching and a moan escaping your lips from the love bites Peter was giving you.

He looked up at you for a few seconds, your eyes meeting his, a soft smile covering your face as you ran your hands through Peter's curly brown locks, missing how they felt against your fingers.

You met your lips with Peter's, telling hi that you wanted him, and he kissed you back, a way of him showing you that it wanted you back.

Peter pulled away after a few minutes, his fingers going to the waistband of your sweatpants, pulling them down, along with your underwear, before sitting back to take his own off. You licked your lips when his member sprung up against his lower stomach. If you both weren't so needy right now, you would've taken your time. But you two needed each other now more than ever.

Peter hovered over you again, his body between yours, is hard length in his hand.

"Ready?" He asked. The things that boy did to you... he always made you feel special, you didn't understand how he did it... it just came natural to him.

"Yes..." You whispered, connecting your lips with his as he slid into you, both of you moaning loudly into each other's mouths.

"Fuck!" You said in sync, your legs wrapping around Peter's waist before he started with a slow pace, wanting to make it last. He knew it probably wouldn't last as long as he would want it to, but goddamn, you felt fucking incredible around him.

"Shit, you're so tight!" He groaned, his head dipping down to kiss your lips tenderly, your lips parting to deepen the kiss as his thrusts sped up, causing you to whimper loudly into his mouth as he groaned.

"Fuck, Peter!" You screamed when he hit a spot so deep inside of you that it made your head spin as your back arched, your chests pressing against each other's even more, the feeling of Peter's skin on yours feeling like heaven.

Even with all of the experience Brennan had, Peter knew how your body worked better than you did yourself. He knew just what to do to get you to come undone underneath him, to have your eyes squeeze tightly shut, to have you screaming him name in only minutes.

"God, fuck," He groaned, his head going to suck deep purple marks into the crook of your neck, loud moans leaving the both of you. "Jesus, I'm already close, baby. I don't know how long I'm gonna last. You feel t fucking good around me."

"Fuck, cum for me, Peter. Please." You begged, your eyes squeezing shut at the feeling of Peter hitting deep inside of you, along with the words and groans coming out of his mouth.

He reached his hand down in between the two of you, rubbing harsh, tight circles on your clit, causing you to move your hands into his hair, tugging harshly as you came closer and closer to reaching your high.

"Fuck, P-Peter! I'm gonna cum!" You screamed, Peter groaning into your ear only spurring you on, along with the sensations on your clit. Within seconds, you were coming undone around him, your walls clenching tightly around his length as your legs tightened around his waist, your arms hugging his body closer to your.

And with only a few final thrusts, Peter was a complete groaning mess, his hips stilling as he came inside of you, his body collapsing on top of yours when his strength completely gave out, his head falling onto your chest.

The next few moments were spent in a comfortable silence, your hands smoothing up and down Peter's arms and back and you both tried to get your breathing to calm down.

"Y/N?" Peter said, looking up at you with his beautiful brown eyes. The sight would melt anybody's heart immediately, you were sure of it.

"Yeah, Pete?" You said, kissing his forehead before meeting his eyes again.

"God, I'm gonna sound like a little kid, but, uh... will you, ya know, be my girlfriend? Just us? No one else?" He asked, his heart rate speeding up a bit out of nervousness.

"Of course, dummy." You laughed, Peter moving up to connect your lips in a soft kiss, both of you feeling completely safe.

"I love you." He said, smiling between kisses.

"I love you too, Peter."

__________

@ertherealrose @peter-tiingle @petertiingz @fallinfortom

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alwayspondering · 3 years

Text

Roots Intertwined

Hi! I’m absolutely honored to have had such a wonderful artist to work with in @mysme-rbb : Loli! Their art style is spectacular and it is a perfect visual for the story below. Check out Loli’s Instagram HERE! ^^

Note: I posted this before, but accidentally pressed the wrong button and deleted the original post. If you could leave a note to build it back up to what it was, that would be lovely!

Warnings: some implied reference to neglect and abuse, spoilers for Rika’s Behind Story, religion

Finally. A moment alone with my thoughts. That was rare.

As quiet and serene the ancient walls of the cathedral were, it was rare to find a moment of peace.

Perhaps “peace” is a loose term. Peace can be defined in countless ways, flexible from person to person. One thing is universal – everyone gets peace of mind from security, from support, from compassion. Peace of mind is one thing, but surviving is entirely different. Too much security is dangerous.

I had learned that early on. No matter what happens - or whoever enters my life - that mindset will always be with me. It protects me. That is the only thing I know for sure in this world.

V tells me that he is my security, the one I can trust, the one I can love - my Sun.

V tells me he will help me rid of the darkness in my mind.

I want to believe him. I want to trust him. I want to love him as much as he loves me. I want to be worthy enough for the handsome, sentimental man that had so sincerely promised his life to me.

A part of me wants to embrace the darkness that I pushed away for so long. Is that so wrong?

The all-too-familiar feeling of dread washed over me. I suddenly saw Mina, curled up on a church pew. The screeching voice of Mother - of the Pastor - berading every thought that could have spun the flashback away.

“This is just a ritual to cleanse the devil from you-”

“Serena, you’re possessed by Satan-”

“This thing will spread its germs! Dear Lord, smite this fiend out of this place-”

“Begone!”

“Satan!”

“I need your help, good people of God!”

A small, trembling hand reached to point at the Preacher, tears streaming.

“Amen, amen...”

Though a million different phrases raced through young Mina’s mind, nothing dared escape her lips. Mina was silenced. Serena was silenced.

“Lord, protect us from this Satan!”

I was silenced.

“Do something about her! The Satan might reach out to us, too...!”

“Get her! Now!”

Silenced. Restrained. Helpless.

Slowly - painfully - the image of Mina soon began to shift. Mina’s emerald doe eyes faded into vibrant golden ones, filled with the same amount of helplessness. Her wavy blonde hair faded into a tousle of red.

“...Miss Rika?” A soft, mouse-like voice snapped me out of the nightmare.

Saeran.

I knew how to recover quickly from these episodes. I learned how to don a mask of innocence and happiness for the rest of the world, at the flip of a coin.

Saeran needed someone who was stable - someone who could be his rock. Just like V was for me. I had to be that for Saeran no matter what. I could never abandon him.

“Hello, Saeran.” My once-dazed expression melted into a smile as he ran to meet me on the bench in the prayer garden that had become my escape.

“I’ve missed you, Miss Rika! So, so so much!” Saeran nearly tackled me into an embrace that I returned warmly.

“V and I have missed you just as much!” I heard my own voice chime out, the smile on my lips genuine now as the lingering dread washed away.

“...You did?” Saeran pulled away from the hug, his head tilting to the side. His eyes were just as doe-like as Mina’s. The same innocence - and fragility - she had once had was evident in him, too.

“Of course we did. How could we not miss such a goofball like yourself?” I rustled his hair, a light-hearted giggle escaping the young boy’s lips. The small peal of laughter was soon interrupted by a sudden expression of uncertainty.

“A ‘goof-ball’... Is that a bad thing?” Saeran enunciated each syllable of this new word, unsure of himself. My own expression shifted as I could sense a new anxiety in the young boy. One that was very familiar.

“A bad thing? No, absolutely not. Being a goofball is one of the best things to be, Saeran. It’s a good thing.” My voice was reassuring, almost motherly.

“A good thing... Hm.” I could see the cogwheels turning through Saeran’s mind after he spoke, and then - “Mother says I will never be anything close to good.”

Tears began to form in Saeran’s eyes but it was obvious he was trying his best to hold it all in. It seemed like he had experience with holding in that emotion. Just like Mina.

“Saeran…” I watched as he struggled to keep an unbothered expression.

He was fighting hard.

His thoughts were so obviously spiraling.

“...Saeran… You don’t have to hide any of those emotions from me. Okay?”

Saeran’s expression remained as stone-cold as he could muster. His eyes glared back at me with bewilderment. It was as if he’d never heard reassurance like this from anyone.

I figured that was accurate, from the way little Saeyoung had spoken of their mother. There was obviously a reason he never talked about her.

Without another word between us, I enveloped Saeran into a nurturing embrace.

As if a burden had been lifted, he sunk into my arms - effortlessly, as if he had belonged there.

His heaving sobs were silenced as he buried his head in the ruffles of my dress. His breathing soon became hitched - broken - gasping for air.

I could only hold him tight, and comfort him as best as I could. That was the least I could do for this poor child.

Soon, the gasps turned into hyperventilation.

“Saeran, darling - Breathe…” I spoke tenderly, in the most comforting voice I could muster.

His breaths were still fast - too fast. “You are safe here with V and I. You are safe with me… Please, just breathe…”

Slowly, but surely - painfully - Saeran’s breaths began to calm.

“That’s it - just keep breathing… Three counts in, three counts out…” I recalled the breathing strategy V had coached me through countless times. Saeran followed my advice, and soon his breathing pace settled further.

I held Saeran close, like I always wished my mother had. I held him tight. I wanted to protect this child from this world. Even if it meant sacrificing myself.

“...Can you talk to me, Saeran? Tell me what’s swirling through those thoughts of yours.” I asked gently, taking care not to overstep and push him away.

In response, Saeran pulled away from the embrace, staying close but retracting in by wrapping his arms fully around his small torso.

The young boy’s sniffles were the only sound other than the birds chirping in the near distance.

A look of deliberation - of hesitancy - suddenly appeared on Saeran’s face. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his torn, thin shirt. A bony wrist moved to roll up both pant legs to reveal two raw, red bruises around his ankles.

A sharp gasp instinctually escaped my lips at the sight.

Though I kept it hidden, rage for the monster that shackled this poor child boiled up inside.

“It hurts…” Saeran whimpered, his voice barely a whisper. The tears trailed down his cheeks silently.

“Your mother did this to you…?”

A sharp nod in response.

“A mother should never treat their child that way.” My voice was suddenly colored with a new darkness.

“...Why does she?” The young voice chirped, pining for an answer. That was an answer I wanted to figure out for myself. I could hardly fathom how anyone could even think of hurting such a weak, broken child.

A child who needed someone to help him survive in this world.

“Some people in this world are evil, Saeran. Unfortunately, your mother is one of them.” I spoke in a calculated, composed tone. There was no need to let my true emotions out.

“‘E-vil…’ Is that something bad?” Another inquisitive chirp.

I nodded in response before taking his small hand in my own. At first, he flinched at the touch - but soon relaxed.

“...But you know what? I know how to spot the evil people in this world.”

“You can…?”

“Yep, I can. It’s my super power.”

“Wow, really?”

“Well, not really. But I’ve never been wrong about a person, ever.” A laugh escaped my lips before my expression shifted to that of true sincerity. “...I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to protect you from her. I will always protect you, Saeran.”

“...Why me?”

I considered this for a moment. I had to gain his trust. I had to be careful. One misspoken word, and I could lose everything.

“Believe it or not, you and I are actually quite similar, Saeran.” I wiped a tear from Saeran’s cheek and realized he was entranced at my words. My eyes searched the ground, settling upon a burst of yellow just beyond the shadows of the bench. Reaching down, I deftly picked it from its shady haven.

“...You and I are like this daffodil. Fragile, beautiful, sprouting even from the darkness.” I spun the stem in between my fingers. “...This daffodil needs someone to take care of it. Someone who will protect it. Someone who will help keep it alive.”

I took a moment to phrase my words - cautiously.

“I will be that someone for you, Saeran. Will you let me be?” I handed the delicate flower ever-so-carefully to Saeran. He twirled the stem in between his fingers, his expression colored with new melancholy.

“You… really want to protect me?” Hesitant curiosity coloured the child’s voice now.

“Of course I do,” I continued, “I’ll care for you, protect you, and help you survive in this world, Saeran.”

Saeran blinked in an almost disbelief, a tear trailing slowly down his cheek. That disbelief melted into a hopeful smile.

That was the smile of a child who was fit for the Paradise I had been dreaming of.

“...Okay.” Saeran’s gaze flickered back towards me, his golden eyes as doe-like as ever. He twirled the stem giddily in between his fingers.

Saeran was the daffodil - as delicate and fresh as the tiny flower he held so carefully. I will do everything in my power to keep him from being crushed, from being choked out by the weeds he would inevitably find himself ensnared in.

No weeds would ever dare ensnare anyone I deemed fit for my Paradise.

#mystic messenger #mysmerbb #rika #mystic messenger rika #saeran #mm saeran #mystic messenger saeran #mystic messenger fanfic #hurt and comfort #read on ao3 #ao3 #angst #wholesome

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tflatte · 3 years

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read max brooks’ devolution the other day, which was A Thing to do right before bed. i liked it though!

it’s a horror novel in similar style to world war z, where some of it is interviews with various peoples, and most of it is the journal of one of the people living in a microcommunity designed and built by tech guys(six word horror story) to be eco-friendly and self-sustaining, except it’s on the slopes of mt rainier and when it erupts, even though they’re out of immediate danger, they’re cut off from things like drone grocery supplies and the internet they need to call for help. which might have worked out okay, except the eruption drove a troop of bigfoots from their usual home. the subtitle of the book is “a firsthand account of the rainier sasquatch massacre” so you can guess how that goes for everyone

spoilers and thoughts under the cut

i was kind of leery about it after i read the free sample off kindle, so it’s been a solid few weeks between reading that and reading the rest of the book, but eventually i decided i can finish it fast enough for a refund if it sucks. the sample was basically the intro to all the characters and, since i was interpreting it as a slasher intro, i will admit i was primed to hate everyone. you have the conflict-avoidant protagonist kate and her useless husband dan, tony the tech guy who designed the place and his “guru” wife yvette, a vegan foodie couple bobbi and vincent, a philosopher, reinhardt, a lesbian psychologist couple, carmen and effie, and their adopted daughter palomino who escaped the rohingya genocide, and mostar, an older woman who’s a sculptor working in a 3D printer. the only people i didn’t hate in the first chapter were palomino, who i was sad about presumably being in the massacre, and mostar, who people were jerks to

tony and yvette were…exactly what that description makes you think they were like. kate went all crushy over tech guy right away and wrote about guru in that annoying “ohhh she’s so BEAUTIFUL and NICE i haaaate her” way. foodie couple…eh. boring and annoying. i don’t even remember their intro. they turn out to be Those kinds of vegans that think animals are all sweet innocent harmless creatures. philosopher was pretentious. there was some hinting that carmen was emotionally abusive, but that never went anywhere? i don’t know if we’re expected to assume that the life-or-death situation improves their relationship like it does for kate and dan. also they gave their daughter a “placeholder” name so she could change it in the future if she wanted. which is fine as a concept but it felt weird that there’s never any mention that she probably had a name before? she’s mostly nonverbal throughout the book so it’s possible that she was never able to tell anyone her original name though. also the placeholder is “palomino” because of how her only possession when she was adopted was a book about horses.

anyway, i was disappointed that the free sample didn’t even mention any ~weird noises in the woods~ but once the volcano erupted things started moving faster. mostar immediately starts prepping for the long haul of being cut off and everyone is like “oh she’s ~crazy~ of course we’ll be reconnected and back to normal super soon” but she is the only person with a brain. tony is like “oh it’s fine we have water and power and heat and yes the volcano erupted but we’re fine and yes we can’t contact the outside world and the satellite radio is saying things are bad but they’re totally not don’t even worry about it” and yvette is alternately spouting bullshit crystal-healing slogans about ~connection~ and ~healing~ and playing social mind games to maintain control. like it feels as if they could’ve turned things into a cult if it wasn’t for getting cut off from supplies. they absolutely feel like people who could have manipulated their ~micro-eco-community~ into total obedience given enough time. they’re already isolated enough to make it work even before the eruption

everyone else in this story is SO FUCKING STUPID about wildlife. like carmen and effie are encouraging pal to hand-feed a random deer apples when they are cut off from getting any food from outside. a literal fucking mountain lion nearly eats pal and mostar chases it off with a homemade spear and yvette starts screaming at her about “it was just scared! how could you hurt it! you provoked it!” despite knowing it was bigfoots breaking into the compost bins, mostar tells everyone that it was a bear so they’ll actually listen but bobbi gets So Offended when she asks if anyone has bear spray and they decide to spread the compost in the fucking woods for the “bears” to eat! no brains! not one! they actually say that bears aren’t aggressive! they are when they’re fucking hungry because a fucking volcano exploded and drove all the food away! then kate and dan get bigfoot footage and prove to everyone that that’s what’s around and they’re like “no this is good most apes are herbivores! maybe they’re friendly! no we’ve never heard any of the seven million cautionary tales about not treating any wildlife, particularly apes, like harmless pets!”

if you hadn’t guessed, the most prevalent theme in this book is “nature is not nice” with a side order of “being too dependent on tech will fuck you over when that tech fails.”

mostar is the best character in the book tbh. she lived in a warzone that she never names but references a lot of things she learned there. including the sniper trick the bigfoots try. as mentioned, she is the only one to have a brain when the plot starts and drags everyone else kicking and screaming into growing one too. except tony and yvette. like a third of the way into the book they go and hole up in their house and proceed to have complete mental breakdowns, then get eaten. as you do. but they’re still terrible so it’s still satisfying. although it’s hinted that part of tony’s might be that he saw or even got chased by a bigfoot. but since he was trying to abandon everyone and save his own ass, it’s not like you work up much sympathy for him

the bigfoots are led by a scarred matriarch ruling what seems to be at least mostly her own family group, which was a touch i liked and made her being dubbed the “alpha” much more tolerable. also the fact that it’s not like kate is the kind of person who’d know more than the most mainstream nature stuff. also the bigfoots appear to be either human-level intelligent or close to it. on top of hurting one human to try to lure the others into a rescue, there’s a moment where one seems to be holding pal hostage(it doesn’t work. effie literally rips the bigfoot’s throat out with her teeth), and it’s speculated that alpha destroying kate’s garden and leaving a pile of dung in the middle might be spite. a very human motivation. kate seems pretty convinced that they’re capable of reason. so that made it a little weird towards the end when “zoo fees” are mentioned in the context of bigfoots. like i appreciated that it wasn’t going to be the standard government coverup angle. the book speculated that the government is planning to reveal the proof when the disaster relief is handled and attract a bunch of tourism based on bigfoots. admittedly primates aren’t especially one of my areas of interest but the way the bigfoots act strikes me as at least smart enough to cause a lot of debate on whether it’s ethical to keep them in captivity, even if they aren’t fully as intelligent as humans.

speaking of the lure, i think that was the most effectively scary part. besides the conceptual horror of them being smart enough to do that(and, you know, the idea of suffering through it), there’s a short but really effective passage that leads you to the slow realization of what alpha is waving at the humans and, therefore, exactly what happened to vincent. terrifying

i also really enjoyed the narrative foils of kate and alpha. maybe that’s not the right word for it but whatever that mirroring they have going on is. how alpha seems to recognize kate as the protagonist/the biggest threat/the enemy alpha. alpha destroying the garden in spite rather than taking the opportunity to kill kate after the burn. kate leading the desecration of alpha’s mate’s body to begin the real fight, alpha killing dan, kate killing alpha. it’s good.

even though she dies for it effie literally ripping juno’s throat out with her teeth to save pal is so fucking cool

i was very glad pal survived, at least potentially. i’m naturally biased in favor of the humans, but i liked the part of the ending where kate’s brother theorizes that maybe nobody’s found her and pal because they decided to hunt down the surviving bigfoots and may even still be out there, tracking the survivors to find other troops and living off bigfoot meat. fuck ‘em up.

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veryvincible · 3 years

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If tony meets the criteria for ocd, why do you still say he doesn't have it? Not disagreeing just curious

Disclaimer again: I am not a mental health professional, I am simply a mental health advocate with many years of research under my belt, as well as lots of firsthand experience with the diagnostic process and other mental health-related incidences with the medical field (in America specifically). So, as always, feel free to look into it yourself if you’re interested in it, because there’s always discourse in the (very messy) field of psychology. Anyway, on we go.

The thing to remember here is that, with fictional characters, we don’t get to delve into their minds as much as we’d like to; internal monologue, as deep and complex and beautiful as it can be, is still a collection of words to define a mass of feelings, and these masses of feelings can be attributed to so, so many things. When a therapist diagnoses you, they get to ask funky questions like, “Do you feel like your thoughts and concerns spiral, and you’re helpless to stop them?” “Thinking back to your childhood, do you think you exhibited similar symptoms that you’re experiencing currently?” “Do you, personally, have an opinion about what may have been a catalytic event for you adopting this state of mind?” and all sorts of things. Though those are much more formally put than most questions I’ve been asked by therapists, the gist is basically the same-- they get to deep dive into your history, your mind, your self-awareness, your body language, your feelings... and you’re one cohesive person with a cohesive story.

For comic book characters, we don’t get to delve into that. We don’t get to go, “Well, his childhood was like this, and that explains these behaviors! We can assume his panic response is Like This, and we can assume his attachment style is Like This, and we can assume his symptoms are Like This, and we can assume he feels Like This,” but those are all assumptions, and we can’t probe further. On top of that, most of them aren’t even intentional-- sure, yes, Tony Stark is a very sad man, and most writers make him this very sad man, but I can guarantee that most writers aren’t specifically looking into MDD and writing Tony accordingly. Some may be drawing from personal experience, others may be drawing from assumptions, etc. Whatever the case, Tony is not a cohesive man with a psychological timeline wherein one event leads to a developed response, consistently.

Above all else, diagnosis is a tool for treatment-- yes, it is excellent to be able to better understand yourself and feel the relief that comes along with this, but diagnosis came into being for the sake of medical professionals being able to say, “Hm, you’ve got [whatever]. I will go tell the other doctor you’ve got [whatever], so that guy can help you, because he specializes in [whatever], or you can try these home remedies for [whatever], or we can delve into [whatever] emotionally with talk therapy.”

Because diagnosis is a tool for treatment, you get these funky little footnotes in the DSM (which, again, is not the end-all, be-all, but when it comes to fictional characters, it’s totally fine) and other diagnostic tools that tell you “Even if you meet all these criteria, this diagnosis isn’t necessary if these symptoms would be better explained by something else!” because treating you for every psychological condition you qualify for could be rough on your body, it could end up with conflicting treatments (especially if you make incorrect assumptions, or if certain symptoms are stemming from different physiological factors despite appearing the same externally), and it’s just kind of tedious.

Like, you could potentially exhibit every symptom under the diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety, but if you have severe PTSD from long-term trauma that’s made you super jittery, it might be accepted that Generalized Anxiety wouldn’t be the best diagnosis for you, because ideally the treatment you’d receive for PTSD (trauma counseling, medication, etc.) would help with that.

I will say here that having an “umbrella diagnosis” under which other potential diagnoses could fall is not the same thing as having comorbid disorders; you probably know that already, but I’m going to say it anyway, just in case. Comorbidity involves overlap but separation of diagnoses, whereas the whole “Don’t diagnose your patient with [whatever disorder] if these symptoms are better explained by another thing!” happens more often when the entirety of one potential diagnosis fits under a section of another, more fitting diagnosis. So, if you see anyone with very long lists of diagnoses (probably don’t put big lists like that in your bios, though, please-- that seems kind of dangerous), that’s not a sign that they’re, like, mental illness-hoarding or whatever the fuck, despite that being a very common assumption that a lot of neurotypical people (and honestly, other mentally ill people) can have. Bodies like to be balanced. When one thing falls out of place, a lot of other things might follow. Just a disclaimer for you here, because I feel it’s important to say.

So, that covers... most of the reason why I don’t personally like to point to Tony as a character with OCD. First of all, sure, he has what could be considered obsessions and what could be considered compulsions, but we can’t actually ask him, “Hey, do you think these thoughts are obsessive? Are these potential compulsions things you perform ritualistically in order to make the obsessive thoughts go away?”

And... I don’t know. I think OCD (for me, specifically-- I know there are others with OCD whose opinions differ, and more power to them) is something that has to be written more intentionally for it to read as representation. Sure, they might have what could be intrusive thoughts... but my intrusive thoughts don’t just feel like thoughts that “could” be intrusive. They are intrusive, unmistakably. My compulsions don’t just feel like solutions to the problems I’ve made up or exaggerated in my head; they’re irrational, fear-based, anxiety-inducing. It’s the way you make sure every upstairs door is closed before heading downstairs, because otherwise you get a tightness in your chest and you can’t focus or breathe quite right; or the way you get up out of bed to make sure your door is locked multiple times just in case you forgot; or the way you develop avoidant tendencies or overly communicative tendencies because if you don’t, the ramifications within your relationships could be unbearable. It’s having a voice inside your head that’s not just telling you you’re a monster, the perfect antithesis to everything you’ve ever held dear; it’s a voice inside your head that is the monster, a voice that sounds the same as your own, simultaneously overprotective of your well-being and overly interested in the total destruction of your person.

And... I’m not saying Tony doesn’t experience that. He clearly has this feeling of “I am a monster” inside of him. He clearly has that feeling due to what he perceives as his own shortcomings. But these are comic books, and though there are many ways you could introduce intrusive thoughts in an internal monologue, we don’t really get that with Tony as much as I’d need to in order to feel represented by him. We don’t get him thinking shit like, “You could abandon this all, you could leave this shit to the rest of the team, you could fuck off and live on an island somewhere else, you could hole yourself up in a room and never leave, you could kill them, you could kill him, you could kill everyone, you know for a fact you have the resources to kill everyone, don’t you want to make sure? What if your tech fails? What if you do kill everyone? What would happen, huh? How would that look? How would that feel? What do you think it would feel like to pick up their bodies, to look in their eyes and have nothing staring back at you? You could tell him you hate him. Not to save him from you, no-- you could just do it because you’re able to do it, because you’ve cultivated these relationships and you’ve fooled everyone into loving you despite knowing you don’t deserve it. You’ve tricked them, and every day you continue on like this you’re manipulating them, and you’ve taken so much from them-- they’ve put so much of themselves in your hand that you could so, so easily crush if you just took a second and did it.”

... And we don’t get the accompanying monologue of, “No, god no, what the fuck, that’s not who I am, that’s not who I want, I’m not like that, I love them, that can’t be who I am, if that’s who I am then what does that say about me, what does that say about the space I take up, what does that make me?”

Which is where the OCD version of “I am a monster” tends to originate-- the inherent inability to separate oneself from the illness, the difficulty in coping with an overactive survival mechanism ready to ensure you’re prepared for every single thing that could go wrong, very specifically the things you’re most worried about, because that’s what matters, right? The things you’re worried most about. And Tony’s most worried about love, about his loved ones, about the planet, about life.

But “I am a monster” doesn’t imply that internal monologue. “I am a monster” could be a legitimate analysis of what he’s been through and what he’s done, clouded by self-loathing instilled in him by his father. “I am a monster” could be something he’s thought since he was younger, not because of any specific symptoms he developed, but because of what he was told-- because he was told he was wrong, bad, unlovable.

I think Tony could get there. I think I honestly may have written Tony there at some point, just because it’s easy to write for me. But if we’re following standard diagnostic procedures with a man on a page who really hasn’t been written intentionally with anything other than substance abuse, symptoms of PTSD, and depression... I don’t know. It doesn’t read like OCD to me. It doesn’t feel like OCD to me, and if at any point it did, I think that would be more of me filling in blanks with my own experiences than it would be anything else.

(There is one canonical instance of “I could kill this person right now if I wanted to!” level intrusive-ish thoughts I can think of off the top of my head, and that is in the most recent Iron Man run, and that also doesn’t read like OCD to me because, honestly, nothing Cantwell writes with regards to mental health seems natural or authentic or accurate. Also, I don’t know if it really qualifies as an intrusive thought if it feels more like a justified outburst of rage to the character thinking it, so, uh. Hmm.)

#cassks #ocd #intrusive thoughts tw #idk what to tag this but i know i would like it tagged if i were the one stumbling across the post so.#if you want it tagged something just lmk and i will edit + file that away for potential future discussion

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ammocharis · 3 years

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100 days of writing

I'm super late for this but I'd like to take a shot at a couple of questions provided by @the-wip-project (check it out, it's awesome!) and blabber about my Avvar headcanons and worldbuilding ideas. I want to flesh out their culture as much as possible in my fics.

Day 14

Do you have figures/creatures of folklore in your WIP? If not, can you think of something that would fit?

Day 15

Does your WIP have fairytales? Do your characters tell mythical stories to each other?

I'll tackle both of these prompts at the same time since they cover related topics. I think that coming up with fairytales, legends, mythical creatures, etc., is vital for a work of fiction that focuses on worldbuilding. From the dawn of times, people have tried to explain the world around them through tales - the laws of nature, the migration of tribes, the behaviour of animals, everything was given meaning.

These stories were exchanged between cultures, transforming as they passed from mouth to mouth, but the common elements can still be recognized. I believe that this human need for making sense of the world through stories is worth exploring, either in original fiction or fanfiction. One of my favourite parts of learning about a new fictional universe is discovering what kind of stories formed among its cultures. Do they prefer one style over another? What are the common themes? And so on, and so on.

In the case of Dragon Age, I already have the groundwork laid before me, but there's always so much more that can be done. The Avvar lore contains some beautiful examples of fictional mythology, and I want to build upon that.

Now let's move to the actual headcanons.

An idea I took further is the existence of a Great Serpent. According to one Avvar legend, when the serpent Nathramar engaged in a battle with Korth, they destroyed Mount Belenas, living only a vast crater behind, which the Lady of the Skies filled with her tears, creating a lake that eventually became known as Lake Calenhad. I wondered: "Why not include more of these gigantic serpents in Avvar legends?" So I went ahead and thought up a few more of them. They are large, snake-like creatures whose powers relate to water, storm, and lightning. I took some inspirations from the Slavic żmij/zmey.

"When the world was in its infancy, the Great Serpents still roamed the vast skies and deep waters. Hreggamar, the most boisterous of all creatures, decided to challenge a mighty dragon-mother to a duel. He was certain he would win, for he had learned her weakness while he was wandering through the clouds one day. Hidden by mist and rain, he entered the Mother's territory and sneaked upon the dragon-lair to eavesdrop on her plans…”

(The rest is under the cut because I have a lot of HCs.)

I find it compelling to imagine that the Avvar would tell stories in which the Great Serpents are responsible (in one way or another) for the creation of lake and seas.

It happened countless moons ago, before any human tribe wandered into the south. The time had come for Sundramar, one of the Great Serpents, to shed his skin. He rested his head at the coast of the ocean and stretched his long body across the earth. The end of his tail reached the land of many rivers, far away from the salt waters. Sundramar was eager to leave his old skin behind and emerge even greater than he already was. The sun would rise and set many times before his labour was over.

These Great Serpents are also supposed to hint at elven lore, which mentions some curious "giants of the sea" and Mythal transforming into a serpent to fight Andruil (the latter is probably an intentional parallel to Nathramar).

Another aspect of Avvar mythology I'd like to explore is the astronomical myths. The Astrariums presented a couple of brilliant stories, like the legend of Sindri Sky-Breaker, but I need more. Sun, moon, and star constellations are popular subjects of tales, and there's a very good reason for it. Their movements in the sky used to be the main way of tracking time and location, so they would often be anthropomorphized.

Were you ever disappointed that the two moons of Thedas receive so little spotlight? None, to be precise. There's just one offhand comment in The World of Thedas, stating that the holiday of Satinalia gets its name from the second moon, and that's it. Thedas could as well have only one moon because it's never shown again, neither in graphics nor in text. Well, I'm convinced that having two moons in the sky would have a huge impact on cultures forming in such a setting, so I decided to address it. In my headcanon, the second, smaller Thedosian moon is only visible for a part of the year. It appears in the sky at the beginning of the 11th month and vanishes a month later.

The Avvar myth that I came up with explains this phenomenon in the following way: the two moons are siblings, Hjuki and Bil. Hjuki is the older brother, and he provides illuminations for the world throughout the entire year. His younger sister, Bil, is just a child, so she needs more rest, but she joins her sibling in the sky each year, just before the winter settles in for good. Their joined effort helps make final preparations for the season of ice, such as protecting one's shelter from cold. In exchange for more light, every creature gains an additional shadow, which is associated with several superstitions.

(Side note: Yes, I borrowed the names for Hjuki and Bil from Norse mythology, but the legend is brand new, made to fit the two moons situation.)

I'm planning to invent some new constellation patterns, putting the stars from astrariums into different shapes. The constellations are arbitrary after all, and I'm pretty sure the Avvar came up with their own patterns before they were subjugated by the Tevinter Imperium.

Speaking of astronomy and time-tracking, there's another crucial aspect I aim to explore in my writing - the celebrations of solstices and equinoxes. For each of these events, I'd like to come up with a legend explaining why it occurs and what makes this time of the year unique. For example, the summer solstice is the day when the Lady of the Skies becomes the closest to the Mountains. Her light almost touches the ground. It's a moment of great joy, honouring life, warmth, and love. During the celebrations of Summer Solstice, it's customary to perform a dance telling the tale of how the first two creatures met - a beast of the sky and a beast of the earth - as it could've happened only when the Sky and the Land were close to each other.

I also used this opportunity and included yet another element of Slavic folklore - a parallel to the fern-flower, a magic flower which blooms only one night in the year, on the summer solstice. For the Avvar setting, I reimagined it as a fire-bloom, a plant connected to the goddess of fertility, Rilla of the Fireside.

An ancient legend said that Rilla of the Fireside cherished red foxes, for they reminded her of a burning hearth. One day, another god, Ahren Eagle-Eyed, wished to catch Rilla’s attention, but the goddess refused to abandon the woman who requested her help as she had wished to become pregnant. The patron of fertility turned a deaf ear to Ahren’s pestering and remained inside. She had promised she wouldn’t leave the fireside until her purpose had been fulfilled. After many unsuccessful attempts, Ahren thought of another approach. He decided to lure Rilla away with trickstery. He took the shape of a fox and arrived at the doorstep of the household that Rilla was protecting. Despite her fondness for red foxes, the goddess wouldn’t be fooled. She didn’t let the Eagle-Eyed hunter inside the house. She said that she would only open the door for him if he offered his aid to the mortal woman she took under her wings.

In the Avvar culture, there are skalds, professional keepers of stories who make sure that oral tradition is preserved, but of course, they're not the only ones sharing stories. On a long winter night, what better way to pass the time than exchange a tale or two?

#100daysofwriting #wip #worldbuilding #avvar #my avvar headcanons #dragon age

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aj-anime-blog · 3 years

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To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts - Review!

First review here we go!!

So, after being completely and utterly obsessed with Jujutsu Kaisen and AOT season 4, I decided to check out MAPPA studios and watch a bunch of stuff from their roster. My so-called "MAPPA binge" included this strange and unknown piece: Katsute Kami Datta Kemono-tachi e, or in English, To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts. An adaption of a manga originally released in Bessatsu Shounen (you might recognize this as the magazine that released Attack on Titan!), it looked pretty promising. I do have to admit that I didn't read a page of this anime's manga, though the art style on it looks gorgeous!!

The concept behind the show: A war has torn two halves of a nation apart, split into the North and the South. The Northerners, who were previously greatly outnumbered in battle, created a half-human, half-beast species known as "Incarnates" because of their God-like abilities. But the Incarnates begin having some issues when their beast forms take over their bodies, turning them into monsters. When the war ends, our protagonist, Hugh Hank, an Incarnate and previous captain of the Incarnate squad, swears to kill all of his mutating Incarnate buddies before they can destroy the world.

This review will not contain spoilers until the labeled "Spoiler" section at the bottom.

In general, what do I think?: 4/10, this show kinda sucked. Ouch! I hate being that blunt! Especially on my first review here! But To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts (let's call it TTASB from here on out!) had glaring flaws that, while it did hold up as a show, made it uninteresting and hard to love. Not only were the characters mediocre and boring, but the show seemed to contradict itself and its own opinion of the Incarnates all the time! Are they bloodthirsty monsters that need to be killed? Are they misunderstood humans who should be given peace? I don't know! Our main characters don't seem to either! Other than the "war bad" motif that gets shoved down your throat from episode one, the show felt stagnant in what it was trying to make the audience feel.

I hate being so cynical about it, though, because it does still earn those 4 points! Even though a lot of it falls flat, as a whole, it's still an ok show! Hank and Schaal have good concepts and their dilemmas are interesting in certain parts when the writers manage to nail pits and pieces of their development! The fight scenes were cool and I think that the concept for the world was neat! And the show does have a pretty cool title. Let's be honest, To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts sounds super metal.

So what about those characters?: 5/10! Hugh Hank and Schaal are our two main protags for the show, and they both have pretty interesting concepts! Hank is an Incarnate, he used to be the leader of the other Incarnates, and he made a vow with them that when they lost their minds, he would kill them himself. Schaal is the daughter of one of these Incarnates that fought under Hank. Interesting, right?! How could these two opposing characters get along with one another?

TTASB tries to give the two of them a sort of grumpy-old-mentor-teaches-a-cheery-youngster relationship (which, admittedly, is one of my favorite tropes) and manages to forget everything good about having this kind of relationship. To start, it feels like Schaal has next to no reason to be tolerating Hank, and vice versa. She follows him around because *insert some excuse about understanding the Incarnates?* and Hank lets her because *insert I really don't know*. It really feels like Schaal doesn't need to be there, and she's just a plot device to move along Hank's character development.

Then, the two of them never really interact in ways that really moved me. It never felt like they made a deeper connection that meant something to the plot. They interacted, sure. They spoke about their issues, yeah. But it never felt like Hank needed Schaal, or that Schaal was emotionally tied to Hank, until the show spoonfed it to you that they were.

In the end, neither of their developments felt compelling or interesting. There were a few scenes that maybe, if you squinted, hinted towards them growing as people, but for a 12 episode anime, it was very menial. It also felt like said scenes were fairly forced, with their development not really leading them to the point that they ended up at. Again, TTASB has a bit of an issue with contradicting itself.

The villain was so meh. He has a motive, yeah. It's pretty lame. He's not compelling at all. Nothing about him is interesting or kept me hooked on him. The show probably could've existed without him, to be entirely honest. I don't really have much else to say about him! I just did not really care about him at all.

The best characters in the show are hands-down the supporting cast of Incarnates. Each one has fairly interesting motivations, and even though they're only given an episode or so to tell their stories, they feel the most genuine. My biggest qualm with them is that the show doesn't build their connection to Hugh Hank at all, so when he gets emotional over them, you're kind of like "uhhh u know this guy??". More about this down in our spoilers section, as I'll go over a scene where this is prominent.

So characters were meh, but what about the story itself?: 4/10, just as meh. Again, very interesting! Lots of potential! But it fell flat where it mattered. To be clear, just before we dig deeper: the 12 episodes of TTASB isn't the entire story. It's clearly intended to be continued, though, as of writing this, I haven't been able to dig up any news about a potential season 2.

I don't really mind if animes aren't completely original, as long as they're fun, but TTASB didn't really do that. A lot of the episodes felt boring and reused like it was a watered-down copy-paste of other material. Some episodes were repetitive and seemed to be trying to hammer in the same themes, only to be later contradicted by other episodes. TTASB will spend a few episodes showing you how misunderstood and sweet the Incarnates are and then have an episode where an Incarnate murders a bunch of people. I would love it if it was, in any way, shape, or form, sarcastic, but it is not. TTASB just thinks it can get away with the blatant disregarding of its own morals. It only ends up feeling disconnecting and frustrating.

It follows an almost monster-of-the-week style format for introducing the Incarnates, which does them a bit of a disservice, in my opinion. I really would have liked it if there was a bit more overlap between the Incarnates and their stories! We know that they're all very close (or, at least, the show tells us that they are without really showing us) so seeing them interact with one another outside of their respective episode would've been fun!

The story tries to be darker and grimier than it actually is. I didn't end up caring much for the nation itself and much of the politics that the show tried to utilize felt boring and, again, watered-down. It felt like the show wanted to make it a political drama about war and human rights and only ended up shying away from what makes those genres impactful. Again, this isn't to say that TTASB's story is bad, it's just not as good as it could've been.

But it's MAPPA, so the art has to be good, right?: Yeah! Art was cool! Nothing golden, like MAPPA's newer stuff, but a solid 7/10! The fight scenes were nice, and even though a lot of them felt redundant to watch, they were still smooth! I have some qualms about a few of the Incarnates' beast forms (especially Hank's) looking like they belong back in 2001, but they still looked cool nonetheless.

I don't really have much to say on this front! Nothing really blew me away, but I never looked at the screen and winced away.

Ok and finally, pacing!: 4/10. 12 episode animes always have tricky pacing to them. I like to think about the show being pretty much only 5 hours long, which isn't that much time to cram in as much story and plot as they might want to. Overall, TTASB actually had pretty decent pacing, with a long enough build-up that led to a final showdown. If you ask me, I do think there was a pacing problem in the second half, as it felt far too stretched out, but that could've just been my perception of it.

My biggest issue with pacing loops back to the characters again. They're never really given time to explore or build up relationships. Especially not Hank and his prior team of Incarnates. I think that there should've been more screen time dedicated to their time in the army, to better explain the emotional distress that he's going through as he's forced to hunt them down. Instead, TTASB relies on a throwaway line or scene to deliver this emotional blow, and it nearly always falls flat.

Music!!!!: 6/10, The soundtrack in this anime really wasn't memorable and I don't remember much from it. Whoops!

I did like the opening a bit! It was done by Mafumafu, who I think has done a Pokemon intro song? Either way, it was energetic and fit the theme of the show well! The ending is also a bop, now that I'm thinking about it! It manages to be nostalgic and sad without being too slow! So good music on both fronts!!

OK, now we're in spoiler territory! Be warned!

I don't have too much to say regarding spoilers. Nothing in the show really feels important enough that I have to mention it under a spoiler tag. A few small notes, I suppose.

The show treats Hank like the more important character but then throws him away in his "death" to focus on Schaal, which was a very frustrating episode. Schaal felt so bland and useless in it, even when she faced her father again. Bringing him back to life felt like a sad excuse to force her into character development. I did like it when she found the courage to shoot him, but I also thought that it wasn't really as emotional as the show wanted it to be.

Hank's connection with Schaal, particularly in the second half, feels completely unnatural and forced. When she gets kidnapped, he has some sort of mental breakdown over her and it, if anything, felt creepy. It was undeserved and was forced down your throat rather than built.

Beatrice was the best character in the show and I think that if they stuck to ideas like hers (misunderstood creatures who just want to go back to their old lives), the story would have been much better. Instead, you switch to characters like the Gargoyle Incarnate, who just goes on a murder spree, and it ruins a lot of the development that Beatrice brought to the table.

& our deep deep look at one part: Forgive me if I get this screwed up a bit, it's been a weekish since I finished the show and my brain dumped out all details of it already.

Hugh Hank goes to the mountains and fights the Garmr Incarnate, Rex (Roy? I'm a bit confused on his name), in an epic show-down. Obviously, at the end of it, Hank wins, killing Rex. Now, if you're like me, you sat there for most of the fight going "who tf is Rex and why is this battle important?" and only at the very END, when he's dying, do you see a clip that you might remember from the very beginning of the anime, with Rex talking about Schaal. You go "oohhh I know who he is!" but you wished that you remembered this ten minutes ago when the fight started because it would've been so much more impactful. The show didn't remind you of this scene. It didn't tell you that Rex was this same person that you already met. It expected you to remember, and I didn't. This scene sums up a lot of the character problems with the show, where even if something does have emotional weight, the show doesn't act on it.

Now we're done!: Sorry if this was harsh, but that's my full review on To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts! I'd love to hear if you agree with me or think that I'm totally wrong! If you've read the manga, tell me if it's better or worth a read! And thanks for reading!

(The crossed-out "Hugh"s are all of the times that I got Hank's name wrong! I'm not super great with character names, but I always take it as a bad sign when I screw up the name. )

#anime #mappa #studio mappa #to the abandoned sacred beasts #to the abandoned sacred beasts anime #review #anime review

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miraizu · 4 years

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Open Book - 6. Lion’s Den

Open Book Ship: Chrollo Lucilfer/Reader Part: 6/?? [PREV] | [NEXT] Word count: 3,408 Warnings: None. Synopsis: Everybody has to make a way of living. Some are hunters, some are thieves, some are just regular civilians trying to enjoy their lives. You? You’re an informant, and in York New City, a city that never sleeps, you’re about to find out just how much of a commodity that really makes you.

"Are you dead?"

Peering into the dilapidated building, you didn't sound all too concerned if your new (forced) companion was dead or alive. After Chrollo had boldly exclaimed that he had needed you, you had quickly became flustered and demanded an explanation.

As it had turned out, he hadn't needed you, per se, so much as your abilities. He needed information - information you weren't sure you could provide yet, considering he had remained tight-lipped about any specifics. Instead, he had led you out of the building, only to be confronted by Zeno Zoldyck and another whom you could only assume was Silva Zoldyck. At the sight of them approaching, you had quickly veered off, telling Chrollo you'd wait for him. You had locked eyes with Zeno for a moment - if he recognized you, he didn't show it.

You could hear the sounds of fighting inside, but resisted the urge to peek. That'd be suicide, and you remained true to your word. After a short amount of time - much shorter than you had been expecting, honestly - the door had opened, and Zeno and Silva had walked out, both completely disregarding you. For a moment, you thought the strange feeling in your chest was relief, but wrote it off. Not relief, but you weren't sure what else it was as you peered in.

Unfortunately, Chrollo wasn't dead, meaning you'd still have to go with him to see the rest of the Phantom Troupe. It wasn't ideal, but you had given your word so you wouldn't back out now. Instead, you walked further in, taking a moment to admire what was left of the interior before your eyes stopped on Chrollo. He looked a bit worse for wear, but all of the injuries were superficial. You sighed.

"And here I was hoping I'd be left off the hook."

Chrollo's smile turned dry as he approached and walked past, only stopping to wait for you to follow him again. "How sad," he feigned sadness, although it was easy to tell he wasn't really. "I thought I was beginning to grow on you."

Your gaze burned into his back as the two of you walked, eyes shrewd and thoughtful. No way the Zoldycks would just walk off on a job, unless... "You either hired for their employers to be killed, or you paid those two more money than their original boss. Correct?"

You couldn't see Chrollo's face, but could only imagine the smile on his face as he spoke. "I hired somebody to kill the Ten Dons, yes. With money off the table, there's no reason for them to continue."

You almost came to a complete stop. "The Ten Dons? Of the mafia?"

He looked back at you from over his shoulder, expression turning unreadable. "Is that a problem?"

For the first time tonight, you smiled widely, not believing the luck of it all. "Not at all. I hate those mafia bastards, so good riddance."

Turning back to the front before you could see his facial expression change, Chrollo continued to walk. You continued to follow.

It was chaos all around, but Chrollo wasn't bothered by it, walking through it all as if this was nothing. To him, it probably was, and you followed his lead, not paying the dead bodies of various mafioso a second thought. You had to be careful where you stepped - without shoes, the last thing you needed was to step on broken glass or any other sharp object. Neither of you were in a hurry, it seemed, so it was easy to watch your step.

Looking down at the ground, though, came at a cost. You hadn't sensed Chrollo stop right away, and unable to react in time you had bumped into his back, stumbling backwards immediately. In your momentary clumsiness, you had stepped backwards onto a bent piece of metal, the object piercing into the heel of your foot as a slew of obscenities left your mouth in retaliation. Chrollo had turned around, watching the scene in clear amusement. Shooting the Troupe leader a venomous glare, you managed to stumble back onto a blood-coated bench, ignoring the liquid in favor of yanking the piece of metal out of your heel. It wasn't super deep - certainly nothing for you to worry about too much. It still hurt, though, and without anything to protect it from the pavement, walking was going to be terrible.

Kneeling in front of you, Chrollo took your foot without warning to inspect the wound, and your leg shot out. If it weren't for his quick reaction time in catching your ankle, you would have kicked his teeth in.

"We have bandages at the hideout," he reassured you, and you suppressed the insults you wanted to fling at him. You were in a foul mood - you were deprived of sleep, practically being held hostage to go to the Phantom Troupe's hideout, had no shoes, an injured foot, and Chrollo's constant goading to deal with. Instead of calling him all sorts of names, you held your tongue, sticking with your glower for now.

Sensing your malcontent, Chrollo's gaze seemed to soften up into a more unreadable expression. "I'll carry you."

"You'll what."

Your voice came out flat and unamused, and Chrollo's smile came back. "You can't walk, so I'll carry you." Without further warning he had scooped you up. The blood on the back of your dress didn't do much for Chrollo's already-ruined outfit as he held you bridal style. You resisted the urge to shove yourself away from him, not wanting to collide with the pavement below.

"Can't you carry me on your back, at least?!" Your voice came out strained, a bit higher. More embarrassed. He looked down, expression amused and mischievous as his eyes swept your bunched up form.

"In that dress?"

Ah, right. You'd be revealing too much skin if you were to be carried on his back, but it didn't make you any more pleased about the situation. It was just one thing after another, it seemed.

With you in his arms in a way that infuriated as much as it flustered you, he had been able to pick up the pace to a much faster speed. You were tense, not wanting to relax in a murderer's arms. Being carried was a foreign feeling, one you weren't really fond of as it was turning out. It seemed their base was on the outskirts of the city, and the closer you got, the larger the pit in your stomach grew.

You were walking right into the lion's den. Well, you were being carried right into the lion's den.

You weren't sure what was worse.

On the outskirts of York New City was the abandoned part of town. You knew the area well, and weren't surprised this was where Chrollo and the Troupe had decided to make their base.

"Ah, Chrollo..."

You weren't one to hesitate or stutter, usually. Being an informant, and from Meteor City to boot, had made you a very blunt and sometimes rude person. Not one to mince words, not one to sugar coat stuff. Lately, with no thanks to Chrollo, you hadn't been adhering to your normal speech patterns. The man seemed to know just what to say and do to completely derail you, and you hated it. You were usually the one reading people, not the other way around!

Humming, Chrollo didn't glance down, and you continued. "Before we get to your base, I should probably let you know that I actually know one of the Phantom Troupe members."

He didn't stop, and his facial expression barely changed as he spoke. "I'm aware."

What a nonchalant reply. Gritting your teeth, and trying not to let the irritation show on your face, you put on a strained smile. "Then you'd know we aren't on the best of terms right now."

He was coming to a stop in front of a particularly run down building. "You won't be hurt so long as you listen."

"Yes, because that's reassuring."

His lips finally quirked upwards, and you had to quickly avert your gaze to avoid from staring at his face. "Put me down."

"What if you step on something sharp again?"

You finally brought your gaze back to him, giving him an especially nasty look. He just raised an eyebrow, clearly not intimidated at all by your glare as he gently set you down. The moment your heel hit the rubble beneath your feet hurt. You wanted nothing more than to let out another stream of swear words, but instead you kept your cool, biting the inside of your cheek and keeping your face neutral. The only telltale sign that you were in pain would be the clenched fists and the twitching of your eyebrows. If Chrollo noticed (and you're certain he did), he didn't say anything about it.

Without any other words exchanged, the two of you had entered the hide out. Each step was excruciating, but you did well in hiding the pain.

The room entered in was wide. You were sure it had probably been multiple rooms at some point, but the walls had been torn down to make the space more open - whether it happened naturally, or a Troupe member did it, you weren't sure. The ceiling was a lot higher than you expected, and near the opposite end of the room was a large pile of rubble, where a few of the Troupe members sat. The rest were scattered throughout the room, each engrossed in their own activities, be it thinking or reading or messing around on their phones.

The moment the two of you walked in, the atmosphere changed. You were well aware that all eyes were on you, and scanning the room, you had to keep your face completely neutral as you locked eyes with an unexpected face. Hisoka. Of course he would be here. Did this have to do with that nen exorcist he asked you about? Or were the two unrelated?

Hisoka was probably equally as surprised to see you of all people here, but the both of you were great actors. He glanced away in feigned disinterest, and your eyes slid over him without a second thought. Finally, you found the person you had been looking for, although it wouldn't have been hard with that kind of malicious aura directed right at you.

It happened in a flash.

He had leapt forward, drawing his hidden blade out as he appeared in front of you, the tip of the blade mere centimetres from your throat. You didn't flinch, knowing he wouldn't kill you as your smile turned wry, looking down at your friend.

"Feitan," you greeted, switching to your guys' native language. "It's nice to see you again."

You doubted anybody else knew your guys' native language, as everybody seemed confused save for Chrollo, and Feitan responded in kind, his words venomous. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be lying low, you fucking idiot."

"Like you?"

After a moment, Feitan withdrew the sword and placed it back into the parasol that was on his back. Finally, you allowed a genuine smile to light up your face, and without a moment of hesitation you drew the shorter man in for a hug. He didn't hug back, but he didn't resist either, grumbling all the while and looking done with everything.

"It's good to see you again, cousin."

This garnered a reaction as a man in a traditional samurai garb stepped forward, clearly annoyed. "What the hell is going on? Cousin?!"

"Too noisy. Shut up."

You snorted at Feitan's words, smile dying back down into your usual neutral expression. "We're not actually related," you explained. "But where we come from, it's just a common term to call a close friend."

"Not friends."

You ignored Feitan's jab as the samurai guy turned to Chrollo next to you. "Danchou, what is the meaning of this?!"

You eyed samurai-guy warily, taking note of the long sword. With his easy anger, you'd guess his nen type is an emitter. Possibly an enhancer, but you were banking on the former.

Chrollo wasn't surprised at the information that had just been presented to him as he acknowledged the member. "Nobunaga," he stated calmly, "This is [Y/n]. She may have information on the Chain User we need and has agreed to help."

Chain User? That was new, and didn't strike a bell at all. Would they kill you if you didn't have the information? You and Feitan were close, but you knew full well he would put the Spider before you, and would probably request to be the one to kill you himself if you were going to die. It's just how the two of you were - you wouldn't hold a grudge if it came to that, but that didn't mean you really wanted to die, either.

Nobunaga, the samurai, visibly tensed, eyeing you suspiciously. This guy clearly didn't like you. The feeling was mutual, and you knew you were going to have to be on guard around him.

"She knows the Chain User?!"

A different voice cut in as a guy with short blond hair stepped forward, an unnerving smile on his face. "No," he said, his voice certain. "She's the the best information broker in York New City. She knows everyone and everything."

Clearly not, although you opted to not say anything, feeling anxiety grow within your chest. This situation was not looking too well.

Shifting onto your non-injured leg, you pointedly glanced down at your foot. "Is it possibly I could patch this up first?"

Chrollo hummed, his eyes sliding over to your old friend. "Feitan."

He didn't need to say anything as Feitan nodded sharply once before turning around and starting to walk. You were confused as of what to do, looking back and forth between Chrollo and Feitan before the latter turned around, back to his native language. "Well? Are you going to stand around all day?"

Taking that as your cue, you followed him to a room off to the side, equally as run-down as the rest of the building. There was a single chair and various bloodstains on the floor - you assumed Feitan used this as a torture room, knowing how sadistic your friend tended to be. Sitting on the chair, you rested your calf on your thigh to take a better look at your heel. It was already red and irritated, covered in blood and dirt. It didn't help you had no footwear.

Rustling with something in the corner, Feitan had come back with a sad-looking first-aid kit. You raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I thought you tortured, not healed."

"Shut up."

The two of you stayed quiet as he took out peroxide, not giving you warning as he poured what felt like way too much on the wound. You hissed in pain, shooting him a sharp glare. He didn't look up, and the bandanna covered most of his face, but judging by way his eyes crinkled slightly you could tell he was at least smirking.

"Fucking sadist."

He didn't dignify that with a response, pulling out gauze and ointment and handing it to you. "Do it on own."

You gave him an unimpressed look but put the ointment on and wrapped your foot up neatly. With your natural aura production, it'd be healed by tomorrow morning, but you couldn't risk an infection.

Standing up, you tried not to wince. It still hurt, but you had much worse, and weren't going to be a baby about it. Glancing over at Feitan, who was impatiently waiting, you rolled your eyes, grumbling out a sarcastic 'thanks'.

"Fuck you," was his response.

With your foot wrapped and taken care of, you were led back to the party, where Chrollo was currently handing out fortunes with an ability he supposedly stole from Neon Nostrade. There seemed to be a few peculiar requirements, and you were curious and tempted to ask for your own fortune. You weren't given the chance as Feitan yanked your arms around your back, tying your wrists together.

"Seriously? After all we've been together?"

Feitan snorted, and pulled your arms tighter in response. "Exactly. I know how you are, you'll try to escape first chance. We may know each other, but I won't hesitate to kill you."

He wasn't wrong, and you hated it, but you had also given your word. Chrollo knew where you worked and lived, so clearly running away wouldn't do you the best, but you opted to not argue anymore. You had learned long ago that arguing with Feitan just made him angrier and more antagonistic, and that was exactly what you what you wanted to avoid.

Being force to sit down, you could do nothing but watch as Chrollo continued to give out fortunes. He had looked over briefly, nodding at Feitan once as the shorter male came over to see what was going on since he couldn't get his fortune read. He didn't protest at all to you being tied up. Great, nobody trusted you, although you couldn't blame them.

With fortunes done - not everybody could get a fortune read due to now knowing the questions themselves - you listened in boredom as they flung out accusations at each other, before Hisoka handed over his own fortune. You could feel yourself start to grow a bit antsy. Hisoka wasn't dumb, and you knew about Texture Surprise. Most likely, he had altered the fortune a bit - but then, what game was he playing at, here? You refused to look at him, mulling it over in your head. Everybody's fortunes were basically telling them to get the hell out of dodge, and yet Hisoka's was advising for the Troupe to stay...

For some reason, your mind went back to the mysterious blond customer once again. Realization started to dawn slowly on you. Clearly, somebody was after the Phantom Troupe, and had the blond himself not said that he would dispose of them? Was he working in tandem with Hisoka? Or were they two separate cases?

Keeping your face still so nobody could figure out your inner turmoil, you let out a small sigh as Chrollo started to question Hisoka. Great. Why did you have to be stuck in the middle of this mess?

"[Y/n]."

Hearing your name get called out, you looked up, raising an eyebrow at Chrollo and waiting for him to continue. "Your nen ability allows you to gather somebody's information. Can you use it on Hisoka?" Despite the polite tone, you knew he wasn't actually asking, and you flexed your wrists from behind your back, thinking carefully.

Really, it would be a fruitless endeavor. You already had Hisoka's information, and while an update never hurt, it wouldn't change much. Not that you could let the Troupe know you and Hisoka had already met. Furthermore, you were going to have to think up a lie to cover Hisoka, and fast. You had a feeling that Hisoka would murder you if you gave away his ruse, especially since the smile on his face was now gone as his golden eyes stared into you intently.

You were backed into a corner.

". . . Can I request something in return?"

"You insolent--!"

Chrollo cut off Nobunaga, seeming amused. "Do you forget that you're our hostage here?"

You snorted. "Oh, yes, I definitely forgot with my hands tied behind my back and all," you said sarcastically, before your face grew serious. "I want my fortune told."

Chrollo raised an eyebrow, clearly not expecting that. "Oh?"

"It would benefit you, too," you quickly explained. "Seeing as how our futures are intertwined for the time being, it'd be smart to know how it pans out on my end, especially if you want information on the Chain User." It was a risky game you were playing, you knew that any of them could kill you in an instant, but you weren't raised to cower in fear. You'd be damned if you backed down.

After a moment, Chrollo nodded, approaching you and squatting down. You repeated the requested information before he started to write, and you could only watch, intrigued, as he wrote down your fortune. After a few moments, he handed the paper to you, and you glanced over it, lips thinning into a small line.

Well, shit. This did not work out in your favor.

#open book #hxh #hunter x hunter fanfiction #hunter x hunter #hxh fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #fem reader #chrollo lucilfer #chrollo lucilfer x reader

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rgrettes · 4 years

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heyy, I hope I'm not bothering but I've seen that you used to post about faberry and faberry fics like Shafd, and since I'm trying to find some faberry fanfics to read, could you please recommend me some of your favorites? Thank you :)

OKAY so this took me a whole lot longer than anticipated because I didn’t want to make it be like 500 fics long! But here, in no particular order, are my top 10 faberry fanfics! [excluding SHAfD of course bc whomever asked this definitely knows SHAfD!]I will be including trigger warnings/content warnings! Please be sure that you can handle the subjects before reading the content! Be safe and put your mental and physical wellbeing before a work of fiction!

10. Dirty Little Secret by patchesofink

Chapters: 77/77 [208k]

This fic would actually happen to be the first faberry fic that I ever read. I felt my little 15 year old self cry several times throughout this fic. It’s what first got me into writing fanfic, because I wanted to write as well as this author! There is a content warning so please be careful reading it if you are sensitive to topics mentioned!

Rachel has a secret and Quinn has figured it out - but will Quinn use this knowledge to exact revenge on Rachel for telling Finn that Puck was really the father or will she use her own experiences to help. WARNING - language and sexual content, r*pe.

9. I’ll Be by stix04

Chapters: 20/20 [330k]

God I was such a sucker for fake dating au’s as a young teenager and I’m most definitely a sucker for them now. This one I didn’t read right when it came out, I didn’t actually find it until it had finished but it still makes my top 20 because it’s just too good not to talk about!

Can Quinn pretend to be in love with Rachel just to get out of Lima? Can Rachel pretend to love Quinn so she's not so lonely in New York? And what happens when both girls realize they're no longer pretending?

8. Long Way to Happy by patchesofink

Chapters: 42/42 [104k]

This is the sequel to Dirty Little Secret and makes the list for being just as good as the original. This author is so talented and the story just resonates in my soul!

warnings for sexual content, language, violence and potential ptsd triggers!

Sequel to Dirty Little Secret. Rachel still has some healing to do as well with dealing with becoming a mom. Quinn has her own issues to deal with. Can their fledgling relationship deal with the ups and downs of life and cope with senior year? Quinn learns to open up and Rachel deals with motherhood and not letting her past define her. It's a Long Way to Happy.

7. Leather Jackets and Bad Coffee by antonius

Chapters: 11/?? [75k] [has not updated since 2018 :(]

Bikers, 50′s style diners, and good girl/bad girl pairing. Literally who could ask for anything more? I’m super sad this one hasn’t updated in a long time but it’s still such a fun read!!

warning for violence!

Ninety miles and nearly two hours from the heart of New York City, just off of PA-33 North, is the little town of Belfast, Pennsylvania: population 1,257. Right outside the city limits sits Moe's, a small 24-hour diner whose newest waitress, Rachel Berry, has taken her best friend Kurt's advice and started a calm summer temp job away from the hustle-and-bustle of busy city life in order to rest up before her final year at NYADA.During her very first midnight shift, she encounters a group of rowdy regulars led by a pink-haired woman with piercing hazel eyes. Quinn Fabray is the leader of the Skanks, a small but well-known local biker gang that doesn't take shit from anyone.So began the strangest summer of Rachel Berry's life.

6. Talk by saintdyke

Chapters: 17/? [43k] [last updated may 2019]

This is another one I’m sad hasn’t updated in a while! This honestly stole my heart to a point that in the time I found it in mid April 2019 and June of 2019 I have re-visited the fic 105 times, rereading it at least half as many as that. I’m really hoping the author comes back to the fic, because it was keeping me on the edge of my seat.

warning for violence, abuse mentions and depictions, homophobia and ptsd triggers!

(Previously titled Grease Stains, Starry Skies) Famous actress Rachel Berry’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. A pretty blonde with a blue truck rescues her from the side of the road, and just so happens to own an Auto Repair shop in town. Quinn is frustrating and mysterious, and Rachel is just as stubborn. Together, they start a revolution.

5. Just off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 30/30 [129k]

This one is another absolute classic in the Faberry fandom, and is another fic that has stuck with me throughout the years! It has a fantastic softer take on Quinn that I truly appreciated because everyone back in the early years of the fandom would make her so angry and bitter and she’s just so soft in some interpretations

Rachel Berry is a successful Broadway star with a new roommate, the very odd, naive Quinn Fabray. It starts with a note on the fridge and a childishly scrawled doodle of an elephant. Everybody has a little crazy in them.

4. Still off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 37/37 [185k]

The sequel to Just off the Key of Reason! Still as soft and as crazy! I can’t mention one without having the other in the list as well! I can’t explain how it feels to look at the ff.net pages after so long, my heart is transported back to 2011 and I’m sitting on my bed after I’m supposed to be in bed. I miss the days where I could just spend time reading these fics and not having adult responsibilities.

Quinn is thundering her way through vet school. Rachel is enlightening the west coast with her talent. The story continues with a wedding, dogs in tuxedos, and Pooh Bear vows. Crazy never fades.

3. A Million Miles of Fun by Jade8Devlin

Chapters: 12/12 [103k]

This one is a little different from the last ones! It isn’t my favorite because of its literary genius, but because of how fun and out there it is! It’s concept is fresh and dark and something I honestly didn’t expect to see but it quickly grew to be a favorite for me!

warning for violence, abuse, mentions of murder! the whole story revolves around The Unholy Trinity + Rachel murdering Quinn’s family so please take that into consideration!

And in Lima, Ohio, a man and woman were killed earlier today during what is believed to be a home invasion. Russell Fabray was last seen leaving Gas'N'Go at two o'clock; his wife, Judith, from a grocery story an hour earlier. Police are linking the double homicide to the area's recent surge in breaking and entering – though these appear to be the first fatalities. The victims are survived by their daughters; Quinn and Stacey."Jessalyn Briggs shuffles the papers on her desk, clearing her throat. The somber expression on her face seems to float off her as she turns towards camera 3."Otis-the-Otter finishes today's news headlines as the little critter that could. Abandoned by his mother and found foraging for scraps in the Nelson family's garbage cans, Otis has proven; if you can't teach an old dog new tricks, teach them to an otter! Otis placed second at this year's Ohio Dog Show after last year's well-documented struggle by the Nelson family to allow Otis to be included. Well done Otis, we here at Channel 43 salute you.

2. The Silence of Silence by your.kat

Chapters: 31/31 [135k]

This one... I can’t describe why I liked it, I just liked it.

warning for mental health, and trauma [possible others, please read with caution]

Quinn and Rachel meet at Haverbrook under unusual circumstances. Why is Rachel silent? And why does Quinn care? "You can hear," Quinn said simply, "but can you speak?"; "Yes," Rachel signed. "I can speak. But silence is a friend who will never betray."

1. Kissing Quinn Fabray by vondrunkaton

Chapters: 6/6 [45k]

This one just makes me super warm and fuzzy inside. I don’t think I can say it’s entirely changed my life but it’s just so soft and i love it

Quinn comforts Rachel after Finn says something oafish. Rachel is surprised by how sweet Quinn is. There's also some making out in delicious detail. Fluffy getting together fic.

I am super open to talking about more fics I love/like and other pairings! This was a ton of fun to talk about and sent me down memory lane! I went searching for two hours on a vague memory of a fic that I think has been deleted by now. But if anyone wants to help me track it down! Hit me up and I’ll give you the details!

#faberry #glee #rachel berry #quinn fabray #faberry fic #god please someone help me find this fic #Anonymous

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x0401x · 4 years

Text

WHAT’s IN Interview with Jizue

“Darkness is too deep” in the TV anime “Hoshiai no Sora”, which no one could have imagined just from looking at its adorable art style. We have paid a visit to the world of the music that amplified its unusual charm.

These fourteen-year-old teenage boys, who are burdened with all sorts of pains and worries, get closer to each other and grow up through their activities in a soft tennis club. The TV animation “Hoshiai no Sora” is a series that aspires to explore real-life problems, such as the suffering of children who are abused by their parents or have monster parents, as well as LGBT issues, which had until this point never been addressed directly in sports animes.

The ones in charge of this work’s soundtrack was Jizue, an instrumental band from Kyoto, which produces technical and emotional, groove-like and lyrical melodies and assemblies that have a sense of jazz, rock and post-rock to them. Their music provides a freshness that was not present in anime music until now. Coupled with the individuality of the series itself, they achieved a collaboration between the animation and the sound, which remains firm in people’s ears and hearts.

Jizue claims this is their first time making soundtrack. We have asked the guitarist Inoue Norimasa, the composer of all the tracks, and the pianist Katagi Kie about the productions’ behind the scenes.

Raw || Index

A series of surprising developments… “What will this story be about?!”

――First of all, how were your impressions when you actually watched the animation of “Hoshiai no Sora”?

Inoue Norimasa: Before we made the tracks, the staff told us that “it will be roughly this kind of story”, so we had imagined our own versions, but it had a “darkness” to it that went far beyond our expectations, so to say…

Katagi Kie: Right, like the father of the protagonist, Katsuragi Maki-kun… He has a deep darkness inside him.

Inoue: Really disturbing things come with each episode. I thought that was amazing. “This kind of worldbuilding is also possible in anime!” I thought, and became intrigued by in it every week.

Katagi: When I was showed the key visuals for the series, my first impression was that it was a beautiful work. But when Inoue-kun showed us the soundtrack production’s order sheet that he had brought back with him to Kyoto, containing the images of each track that the director and the others had written, we found that there were many words expressing very disconcerting feelings in it. “What kind of story will this one be?” I thought. When I watched the broadcast, I was surprised that there were several even more shocking things in it.

――What was the most impressive scene to you?

Inoue: The most disturbing scene… Sorry for starting it with a disturbing one, though (laughs), but to me, that would be the flashback scene where Ameno Itsuki-kun’s mother poured boiling water on his back when he was a baby. It made me sad, like, “Don’t come with something so realistic in this age where child abandonment and abuse are in the news”. Another one was the part where they decide on new front-rear pairs for the club. I like the way it portrays Maki-kun’s genius throughout the episode. It’s also good that all the characters are adorable.

Katagi: To me, as expected, the most impressive one was the last part of the first episode. The one where Maki-kun says, “Then will you give me money?” in exchange for joining the club. I was like, “Eh? What’s this drama about?”. Like, “I did sense that some parts would have obscurity in them, but you took a full swing, huh!”. “You’re attacking so head-on!” was the spirit I felt from it.

Inoue: “Hoshiai no Sora” has scenes that definitely make people go, “Whoa!” in episode one.

Katagi: I think the fact that each character bears some sort of issue with their families and themselves also makes it a present-time drama.

――For starters, what was the cue for you guys to be put in charge of the OST of “Hoshiai no Sora”? I believe that you taking on anime soundtracks is already rare enough, and for you too, Jizue-san, it is your first time producing soundtrack, right?

Inoue: To tell the truth, it seems that when someone from the music staff of “Hoshiai no Sora” was having a meal at a curry restaurant, there was a Jizue song playing by coincidence. It all began when they took a liking to it and then brought it up to the director, asking if it could be used in “Hoshiai no Sora”. It was a fateful encounter (laughs).

Katagi: We, the other members, heard this story from Inoue-kun and were also surprised.

Inoue: Ever since then, the thought of wanting to produce a work that coordinated with the animation was always strong for us. So having our music accompanying the animation would be a great honor. Hence we replied, “Please let us do it!” immediately.

――By the way, do the two of you often watch anime?

Inoue: To be honest, I am not the type to watch anime that much. I have only watched what my generation did, like “Dragon Ball” and “One Piece”.

Katagi: As for me, on the topic of anime, I really like Kanno Youko-san’s music. Whenever I think that “this music is good~” while watching “Sakamichi no Apollon” and other such animes, it very often turns out to be the work of Kanno Youko-san. Thus, I am extremely happy to be involved with anime through music.

Being able to harmonize well with the animation even while doing something complicated music-wise is amazing!

――I believe you had meetings with director Akane and the sound director, Aketagawa Jin-san, regarding the making of the soundtrack, so generally speaking, what kind of orders did they request?

Inoue: Other than for the order sheet, there were nearly no requests regarding the nature of the music. On the contrary, the director told us that we did not have to think too hard about it. He said it was okay for us to show the colors as the band Jizue, so we could make what we wanted. We were very grateful for it.

――Jizue-san, even while doing band music, irregular time is your special feature, and the genre so-called post-jazz rock is strong in your music style. In the music scene, it is a slightly maniac and difficult sound. Strings are normally the focus when it comes to anime soundtrack, and using a band’s sound for anime aside from the ones that are about music is already rare enough, so the soundtrack of “Hoshiai no Sora” feels truly fresh. What kind of comments do the fans of “Hoshiai no Sora” send you?

Inoue: Every now and then, I hear people who probably did not know Jizue and people who usually do not listen to instrumental reacting to our tracks, and I am very grateful for it. As in, “even music like the one we make can be welcomed by anime fans”. Indeed, we do some pretty difficult stuff musically speaking, so our music might be hard to listen, but when paired to the anime, it can harmonize quite well.

Katagi: And this reminds me, Akeboshi-san made one of the “Naruto” ending themes (“Wind”), and if I am not mistaken, that was a five-beat song. Since we also use irregular time as our signature feature, I thought it was very fortunate that our band’s sound, which has a bit of a sense of misplacement to it, was able to fit into an anime.

――If anything, anime fans might be able to accept music itself more easily than music fans who are well-versed about the standards. After all, there are many compositions more aggressive than average J-pop in anime songs (laughs).

Inoue: I see; that might be it.

Katagi: If so, I am really glad that our first soundtrack was for anime (laughs).

Inoue: Also, when I actually watched “Hoshiai no Sora”, I had a strong impression that “they sure use the music very well”. There were many tracks that had me like, “So they used this track here!” or, “They’re using it for the opposite of the scene I had imagined!” but they matched super well with the situations on top of that, so I was surprised.

――Like having tracks that were made under the assumption they would be used for sad scenes show up in easygoing ones?

Inoue: That’s right. There were also times when I thought, “My piece sounds like a better track in this one scene” (laughs). Like, they thought carefully about the sense of volume depending on each situation too, and it made me think that the power of the sound director and animation director was incredible.

Katagi: There are also times when they use the tracks by extracting bits of them. Makes me go, “So they connected this and that!”. But they sound like a single track without any sense of discomfort. Lots of magical things happen there.

Things that a pianist would definitely never come up with!? A sixteen-note high-speed arpeggio.

――There are thirty-eight tracks by Jizue in the “TV anime ‘Hoshiai no Sora’ ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK”. Which one left a particular impression on you?

Inoue: The one that took up most time was “W -Hoshiai no Sora-”.

――That is a track often used in soft tennis match scenes, right? As a melody, it is the closest one to the original Jizue compositions.

Inoue: Yes. At first, in accordance with the order sheet, this track was split into four or five short ones to match the development of the games. But I discussed that I wanted to link them up into one track and make it into the flow of the game, from beginning to end. It would be great if it could be split up here and there and used depending on the situation.

――So this was the reason for it to become a long piece for a soundtrack, with three and a half minutes. What kind of developments were you thinking about?

Inoue: This is something that also happens when I go into the stage carrying my guitar, but first of all, when the characters are standing in the court before the game starts, I believe they are very nervous. This sense of nervousness is represented by the initial piano phrase that goes “dun, dun, dun”. From that moment on, there is the feeling that they get heated and fight recklessly, taking points and having points taken from them, and I wanted to expand this sensation with the hook.

――So this heated and exciting melody was depicted with a groove-ish climax filled with Jizue’s live concert energy.

Katagi: I also thought this track was very Jizue-like. Jizue has a variety of tracks, from mild ones to intense ones that reek of masculinity, and this turned out to be close to the strongest kind. To the point where I wonder if it is all right to play it in an anime (laughs).

――When you have been watching “Hoshiai no Sora” for a long time, you can get cheered up by the initial piano solo’s 16th note in the first arpeggio.

Katagi: That is right. This kind of arpeggio is also our strong point. We Jizue call it “dun dun phrase”. But it is a phrase that pianists could most certainly never come up with. Because there are difficulties in the fingering. This melody exists precisely because Inoue-kun, who is a guitarist, made it by pounding his fingers in, so it is always hard to play (laughs).

――Could you point out other songs that you like?

Inoue: I like “ickle”. They use it a lot in daily life scenes. The main point is the acoustic guitar, but we normally almost never use acoustic guitar as Jizue, so we redid it several times. We wanted it to be a gentle tune, so since it would sound a little cold if piano keys come in, we changed it to electronic piano.

Katagi: I like the track titled “euphoria”, which consists of nothing but a piano solo. The clear and loud Jizue-like melody matches the changing Inoue-kun-like sound, and I think it is really good. The invasive way with which Inoue-kun patches up the sound of the piano that I had played live is interesting.

Inoue: In the order sheet, “euphoria” had the keyword “sunset”. It is a sad track, but it is used for heartwarming scenes in the anime, and the fact that it instead listen sounded like a gentle melody left an impression on me. We positioned it as second place from bottom to top in the album’s track order, and I really like the way it connects with the ending theme (“Kago no Naka no Bokura wa”/AIKI from bless4), which is the last track.

――The resounding of the free jazz-like trumpet from the 13th track in the album, “sole male”, is quite impressive. The completely different taste it has from the other songs is interesting.

Inoue: I think this one was on the dark side of the order sheet. Katsuragi Maki-kun’s “obscure dad series” (laughs).

Katagi: His dad is quick to bring over the darkness with him, after all (laughs)!

Inoue: Hence why we had wanted to insert the unstableness of free jazz into it. We thought the only thing that would match it was definitely the trumpet. The one who performed it was the owner of Doctor Hasegawa-san, a tavern that I adore and Kyoto musicians love.

Katagi: It is a person who played a 10-feet trumped at a festival named “Kyoto’s Big Plan”, performed together with the band Insist, and is very much loved by the musicians of Kyoto.

Inoue: The melody of this track was also recorded after I asked him to “please play this line”, but his amazing ad-libbing quickly came about, so we left that as it was. As expected of him.

About the titles of the OST’s 38 tracks, to be honest...

――This soundtrack has jazz, rock taste, beautiful piano tunes and electronic tracks with interesting stereo images, so it is worth listening to it even as independent music, and when you listen to it alongside the animation, you are submerged into new sensations. I believe it has turned out as an album that can be enjoyed as a Jizue one and a soundtrack one.

Inoue: It makes me happy when you say that. This goes without saying for the compositions and performances, but we also obsessed quite a lot over mixings, so if there is anyone who became even just a little interested in our music from watching “Hoshiai no Sora”, I would like them to come hang out at our concerts.

――By the way, what was it that you struggled the most with in this OST?

Inoue: In a sense, what gave us the hardest time was… the track titles (laughs). We are an instrumental band, so we do not make lyrics. Which all the more reason why we do not want to give them meaningless names. As expected, coming up with titles for 38 tracks was a hassle, and since I was going through the trouble, I coded hidden messages within them.

――“Coded”!? Where have you hidden them?

Katagi: I also want to know! Still, although most of the track titles are written in English and lower case, there are tracks here and there with upper case mixed in them. I believe that is the key. By the way, how will people feel if they break the code?

Inoue: I guess they will be amused and happy. This is a message that I aimed at everyone, so please feel free to solve it. The day after this album came out was the one when the last episode of “Hoshiai no Sora” aired, and the truth is that we did not know the ending of it at all. We watched it with our heartbeats racing while thinking that we wanted it to continue for a bit more, so it would make us happy if other people could also watch it with their hearts pounding hard.

#hoshiai no sora #hns #stars align #sportsanimedaily #fysportsanime #katsuragi maki #jizue #inoue norimasa #katagi kie #interview #my translation

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