#I struggle a lot with self-doubt and can shut myself in

[herawell]

.

#negativity cw #mother mention cw #I can get why my mom thinks I need therapy #I struggle a lot with self-doubt and can shut myself in #struggle with staying on task and not catastrophizing #And tbh I could probably benefit from it even if I’m not ready to seek it out at this time #but in what fucking world is it so bad that she needs to give me financial ultimatums and tell me I’m dragging down the family #I’m dragging down the family because YOU are making it like that #I’ve been working full time for almost a year now #been moved out and paying my rent for six months now #I’m the only one in the family with health insurance rn #my mom is self-employed my dad has been laid off for several months now and my younger sibs are still in college #So I’m the only one they don’t need to worry about health insurance for #any worrying they’re doing is because THEY are choosing to #if I’m ruining your Friday move nights and causing you to get into screaming fights with each other over it #Then YOU need to manage that on your own

[ladyylavenderrr]

Garak and Psychosis

Very self indulgent little post about instances of Garak displaying behaviors that read to me (or at least can be read) as a symptom of psychosis. I will almost certainly miss some, but I want to compile this together for myself. I completely see Garak as having some kind of psychotic disorder. Most of these examples will come from A Stitch In Time, but we have some from the show as well. Also keep in mind that many of these could be interpreted in a myriad of ways, not just as a psychotic symptom. I’m not claiming any of this is definitive proof or anything of the sort, and Garak’s past as a spy (a profession that by nature demands a lot of paranoia) certainly complicates all of this. That’s not to say this an either-or situation. He can be both psychotic and a former spy and in fact the effect both would have on the other would be quite interesting, as laid out in this post

Again, all of what I say can be interpreted in many different ways, but I just want to have it all written down in one place. Psychosis can manifest in very different ways for different people. Some people might be debilitated by their symptoms, struggling to function without assistance. Others might function just fine most of the time and only experience relatively mild symptoms, though the associated distress isn’t any less important.

Season 6, episode 5 “Favors The Bold”. Garak insists Julian examine him for a some kind of mind reading device put in his head by Starfleet Intelligence. Despite Julian telling him there’s nothing out of the ordinary in his head, Garak doesn’t believe him and insists he keep looking. Came off as a delusion to me, especially since he remains convinced despite evidence proving his delusion false.

Season 4, episode 21 “For the Cause”. Upon meeting Ziyal, Garak becomes convinced that she wants to hurt and kill him. I wouldn’t say her being Dukat’s daughter is enough evidence for the average person to be this worried. In fact, Quark even calls him out on his paranoia and we get this exchange.

GARAK: I was going to cancel. I've had visions of Ziyal presenting my head to her father as a birthday gift. 
QUARK: That's a little paranoid, wouldn't you say? 
GARAK: Paranoid is what they call people who imagine threats against their life. I have threats against my life.

To be fair, Kira warning him to stay away from Ziyal gets him to calm down a bit, or maybe not because he still seems quite apprehensive when he actually meets Ziyal, still afraid she might want to hurt him.

Now to A Stitch In Time.

Part 1, Chapter 7. As Garak helps Parmak dig people out of the rubble of a bombed Cardassia (highly stressful and traumatic situation), he seems to hallucinate a figure. You could read this as metaphorical, but he reacts to and tries to interact with the figure in the real world, which doesn’t come off as a metaphorical way of describing his despair to me.

“I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It's almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

"Why save him?" it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. "You're only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn't it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?"

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn't there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I'm sure I must have looked like a madman.”

After this, Parmak gives Garak some pills. He only calls them “relaxants” so it might be a sedative of some kind, but I’m not sure. Either way, Garak hallucinates again after swallowing the pills, panicking as he sees those Cardassian orphans from the episode “Cardassians”. I doubt the pills are hallucinogens, both because Parmak specifically gave them to Garak after witnessing him hallucinating and is seemingly trying to stop that, and because they speak about the hallucinations like an unintended side effect ("I'm afraid they don't react well with me," I explained. “I understand," he said.)

Certain drugs making psychotic symptoms worse isn’t uncommon.

Part 1, Chapter 6. As Garak and the rest of his group in Bamarren are forced to stand still in the heat for what might be hours as part of a training exercise, he begins to hallucinate multiple figures, including his parents (it’s interesting that one of the figures seems to be Palandine, even though neither we nor Garak have been introduced to her yet). If this were the only instance of Garak hallucinating in the book, I wouldn’t assume he has a psychotic disorder since this example has obvious an explanation outside of a mental health issue. People are known to experience hallucinations when suffering from heat stroke. However I’m putting this example here simply because it’s part of a larger pattern of Garak hallucinating multiple times throughout the book. It’s also interesting to note that this scene happens right before the scene of an adult Garak hallucinating that figure with Parmak.

Part 2, Chapter 18. Garak seems to hallucinate as he looks at the frieze. He sees the frieze move and the people painted on it move as well. He thinks some of the figures are he and Palandine but isn’t sure.

“The frieze now began to move in the upward direction. I was too amazed to ask if this was truly happening. People would disappear at the top while more would enter from below.

Certain faces were recognizable, but I didn't know why. Something was also rising within me, an energy moving up my spine to my head, and I began to feel dizzy. Two of the figures could have been Palandine and me, but I couldn't be sure. I was almost nauseous with the energy surging within me. The figures completed the cycle and disappeared at the top. The frieze stopped moving.”

This one can be interpreted in a more metaphorical way than some of the others, but like I said, it could also be another symptom of this potential psychosis.

I’m sure I’ve missed some examples, but you get my point.

#star trek #ds9 #deep space nine #elim garak #garashir #psychosis #schizophrenia #a stitch in time #asit #andrew robinson #meta #media analysis #schizospec #deep space 9

[jackxo]

Hey, first of all, I just found your blog and I love it already <3 Second, I saw that you're an english major and so I thought since we're kind of I'm the same boat maybe you'd understand the confession I want to make. Funny thing is, I also wanted to major in english lit haha I ADORE reading. Anyways, I'm currently in uni (philosophy major) and I have this constant feeling that everyone's smarter than me, and it's something that I really struggle with. I'm constantly doubting myself, and it's a fear of mine that somehow, people will notice I'm not smart enough....is it just me? Maybe it comes from a place of lack of self confidence and deep insecurity, god knows I have plenty of it, but maybe I'm not alone feeling like this sometimes? Specially when you're surrounded by people that actually do know more than you do. I kinda love it tho. The fact that knowledge is something you acquire and that learning is always constant in this environment. Downside: philosophy is a male dominated major and it can be very intimidating, and it sometimes amplifies that feeling of not being smart enough (also the constant mansplaining ugh).

Just thought it'd be good to admit it to someone without the whole fear of judgement thing, ( pls don't judge :))) ) and if you do reply, thanks for reading this :3

Awww, thank you so much. You’re very sweet. :)

And I can relate to you. I recall countless times when someone in my classes said something brilliant, and I got really quiet. I don’t mean to shut down, but sometimes I do.

One of my toxic traits is that I love being smart. I try to be the most intelligent person in the room (besides my professor), and clearly, that will never happen anyway, because “smartness” ranges and is not objective. Again, that’s why it’s my toxic trait.

Nevertheless, when I hear knowledgeable conversations around me, I start to sink into myself. Even though I know I am smart, I feel like I missed something sometimes. It's almost like I missed the joke that everyone else is laughing about.

I think what you’re feeling is normal. I’m sure a lot of people can attest to feeling this way. You’re right—philosophy is a male-dominated major. But that doesn’t make you any less knowledgeable on the subject.

Also, read this with context, but remember that people probably aren’t thinking about you that much. It helps me to remember this. If I say something dumb in class, or if I’m quiet the whole class, the only one who will remember that for longer than 45 seconds is me. And I don’t think anyone will believe you aren’t smart enough. Because… what aren’t you smart enough for? You’re studying at university. Is there a set level of smartness that everyone needs to achieve? How smart is smart enough?

Your capability for knowledge and intelligence is your own. No one else can measure it.

Knowledge is something to acquire; you’re right. Learning and coming to your own conclusions is a magnificent experience. Don’t let anyone try to diminish your love of philosophy, and don’t let anyone try to diminish your hunger for knowledge.

You are smart enough. You are right where you need to be.

#ask #asks #ask to tag #asks open #ask blog #send asks #ask game #send me asks #anon ask #ask me anything #ask away! #confess #confessional #confession #uni #uni campus #uni break #university #university student #student life #student #learning #college #college break #college life #college student #answer anon #answer #answered

[rivetgoth]

I honestly think as someone who goes out clubbing (or to an adjacent nightlife social event) like 1-3x a week on average, and especially as like, a kinda faggy short guy tbqh, I would say genuinely one of thee biggest like, skills to learn is how to both be appropriately discerning and able to read people's vibes quickly to stay safe but also not close your heart completely to new people and give the appropriate benefit of the doubt as well?

I think I'm a particularly picky person when it comes to meeting new people tbh, I will pretty quickly decide someone is not trustworthy over what may appear to be minor missteps but it is because it's not a risk I'm willing to take. especially after the aforementioned years in the nightlife mentioned above. But I also really try to leave room for understanding that we're all awkward and weird and many of us in the scene are autistic and/or otherwise neurodivergent or struggling with social skills and we're in a community literally made by and for weirdos where drugs and alcohol are often involved; nobody is perfect, so it's learning to have an open heart and not have preconceived biases or make assumptions about people but also like, being willing to shut down shit that turns you off fast.

Like not to pat myself on the back but I'm gonna be honest, I have had soooooo many cases where I met someone, got a Weird Vibe, which sounds shallow but I don't mean "ooh they act kinda funny" I mean "huh that person showed subtle signs of not respecting boundaries like touching strangers without consent even if in a trivial/harmless way" or "that person made some off-color jokes or comments that while not in and of themselves entirely unforgivable could way too easily speak to a deeper more insidious world view," decided to politely distance myself and not pursue forging a relationship with them beyond casual acquaintance at best, and then was given confirmation later on that they were a genuinely physically dangerous person with a history of abuse or violence.

Like, the reality is there are a lot of predators in the nightlife. As much as it's this wonderful fantastic weird alternate reality where you can be your authentic self and explore these facets to your character you would not be able to in the daylight, play with fantasy and identity and have the freedom to play and express yourself in these wild ways, it's also a cover for genuinely dangerous people who are detached from all social dogma and feel that they can justify their behavior in these more lawless environments where stuff like kink and more "edgy" behavior is seen as more socially acceptable. For all of the absolutely amazing people I've met, literally pretty much all of my closest friends and relationships have formed from the underground / alternative nightlife scene, there are also pretty frequent allegations and scandals. It's the unfortunate reality, and while the very best events and promoters cultivate safe spaces to the best of their abilities, you can't keep 100% of them out.

I feel lucky in a weird way that I've developed what I think are pretty decent self preservation skills via being a weird fucking kid my entire life who has cultivated the vast vast vast majority of my relationships with other weird people (affectionate). I have so much love in my heart for genuine eccentrics and I think it is SO IMPORTANT to work actively to unlearn biases about what a Trustworthy or Untrustworthy person might look like or act like when they are not fucking hurting anyone, but I also don't give the time of day to people who make me uncomfortable. Basically I think learning what your own boundaries are, learning to communicate them, and learning to shut down those who invade them is just like, a genuinely necessary skill for being out in the nightlife. You need to know what you want and what you are and are not okay with. You need to learn pattern recognition—did this person stumble over their words once and say something that came out wrong, or does this person have a habit of making inappropriate remarks? Is this person exhibiting behavior that other people who have been dangerous or predatory have exhibited in the past? Can you make a reasonable link between that behavior, and the more predatory, overtly dangerous behavior?

[languajix]

WIP Weekend

I shared this on Dreamwidth, so I might as well share it here too.

I'm struggling a lot to really pin down 2k3 Leo, especially for Hold Every Memory where he's 1/3 of the way into an apocalypse, but I do have one bit I'm kind of happy with. I think?

This WIP scene, as usual, may or may not end up with tweaks or heavy editing by the end:

Contains: intent to harm self, blood

The words kept trying to come out, but every time Donnie tried to open his mouth to let them free, they tangled up on his tongue and slammed his lips shut.

Leo finally seemed to notice, this time, because he frowned. Are you okay, Donnie?

That was the last little prybar he needed to croak out: Can I borrow one of your katana?

Leo actually glanced around for a second as if to try to divine what Donnie wanted to slice apart with his deadly weapon. There was nothing, as usual, because the space of the Astral Plane was a blank slate that stretched endlessly in all directions. ...sure?

Leo pulled one of his katana out of its sheath and spun it around in his grip with a practiced flourish, offering it to Donnie by the hilt, with the blade cutting straight through the space between them.

Donnie allowed his hand to hover over the grip without quite touching. You're not going to ask what I want it for?

As far as I'm concerned, you can take it and keep it, if the weird magic from the other dimension will let you, Leo said honestly. Whatever I have the power to give you is yours, Donnie. You don't even have to ask.

It was all terribly dramatic, but that was Leo, trying to be sincere. Donnie hated to crush it. This whole thing was a bad idea that would hurt them both, but he couldn't help his wanting. I think you should probably hear what I plan to do with it first. You may not want that kind of history on your blade.

Leo's arm remained stubbornly outstretched. Whatever you need.

I want to cut myself with it, Donnie said, keeping his tone as neutral as possible.

It still caused Leo to flinch. He glanced down at Donnie's reflection across the blade with wide eyes as though the idea of his brothers wanting to hurt themselves with his weapons was unthinkable. ...can I ask why?

Because bruises fade.

The first time Donnie had been bruised in the astral plane, he'd spent the whole night observing the colors slowly blooming under his skin with rapt fascination and a thudding pulse in his throat. He'd taken a hundred photos. For almost five hours, he was living proof that Raph had touched him. That his brothers were real. Then his accelerated healing had finally started wiping it all away and all he could think about was how he was going to collect the next one.

This was a healthier solution, for all that it didn't feel like one in the moment. I'm going to give myself a scar. Three horizontal lines, right here, he touched his left bicep. So that I never have reason to doubt that I carry you all with me.

He had a lot of scars. It would be nice to have a set he chose, this time.

The blade between them wavered. Leo switched his grip and flipped it in a beautiful arc, their reflections spinning across the polished surface, catching it by the hilt. Okay. I assume you have medical supplies ready?

I don't plan on going that deep. I know how to force things to scar. But yes.

The sword fell to point at the floor as Leo reached out to run his fingertips gently across Donnie's bicep, leaving prickling trails of unease across his skin. Three lines. Right here? How spaced out are you thinking?

Donnie hesitated.

I didn't want to put that on you.

Leo sighed. Too bad. It's my weapon, it's my hands either way. He didn't sound happy, but Donnie knew the steel in his voice meant there would be no talking him out of it.

He wasn't alone anymore. He didn't have to do everything himself. Every time the realization hit him anew, he went breathless with it.

He traced out the lines for Leo, the length and the spacing, felt the sword slip cleanly and quickly through his skin, and watched the resultant blood welling up in the cuts as if from a distance. As though this was happening to some other turtle mutant in some other astral plane.

Leo's mouth was pressed into a pale thin line, his eyes narrowed. He really wasn't happy. Go, Don. Take care of them. He vanished.

Don blinked. Right. He slipped back into his physical self and lifted the sterile gauze to his shoulder.

#hold every memory unpublished #hold every memory au #someone actually figured out that this was going to happen #from one line in the Raph fic! #I was so proud :D

[funnier-as-a-system]

hey hi help i thought i might be a system but then i spiraled and long story short my Boys AREN'T RESPONDING AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE IT'S LIKE BEING ALONE BUT WORSE

like they were there and then they weren't and every time i tried to talk to them it felt like i was just talking to myself and making a fake person to respond? is this normal??

i'm panicking a little, sorry for the rant

Alright, first thing: let's try to calm our panic a little bit. Take a deep breath or two, splash some water on your face, do whatever helps you calm down. Panic Mode does not help the majority of crises, this one included, so let's turn our attention to the issue at hand.

By the way you speak, it sounds that you recently figured out you're a system, but your troubles with internal communication are causing you to doubt yourself. I'm going to be responding under the assumption that that is what's happening. If I've misunderstood, feel free to send a follow-up ask.

It is very common, especially in newly discovered systems, to struggle with internal communication. Internal communication is sort of like drawing – you may have a knack for it right off the bat, or you may not, but either way you're still going to have to work to get better and figure out what works for you. It's a whole new skill to learn – one that can be finicky for some people! You are not alone with having difficulty internally communicating; we had the same sort of problems when we first had our syscovery. It took us a good few months to build up a reliable communication system in our brain, during which we had to figure out things like how to send each other our thoughts, how to listen to each other without accidentally blocking people out, what to do if an intrusive thought was shared via internal communication, etc. When you're first starting out, internal communication can be really hard, and sometimes this means you may struggle to hear anyone at all.

In fact, related to that last statement, it's not uncommon to have periods of not hearing anyone at all, even for systems with good internal communication. Sometimes, headmates are just away from the front, or your brain has decided it's going to shut down comms for a few days, or some other nebulous problem has reared its head. It's uncomfortable, and it can be scary, but not hearing anyone doesn't mean you're not a system. Some systems don't have any internal communication, after all!

There is one important thing I want to bring up, however. The feeling that you're not talking to a real headmate, and rather just making up responses with an imaginary person? We've been there. Other systems have been there. Sometimes even headmates mistake themselves as imaginary. Think about it – you are engaging with a hypothetical (because you're not sure yet if they're really there) person who shares your body, the very concept of which goes against a lot of what we're taught, and you are trying to set up a method of communication with this hypothetical person via what is essentially one-person telepathy. It's a situation that is prime for self-doubt to grow.

But – fantastic news – there are ways to help yourself battle this self-doubt. Here's some of the tactics we came up with while developing internal communication:

Ask your headmates to say random things to you. Just random words that pop into their heads! Sometimes, you may be able to guess what they're going to say before they say it, since their head is also your head, but other times they may be able to surprise you. Hell, as I was writing this, someone in my system just told me, "Baseball," and I have no idea where the hell they pulled that from.

Write down internal conversations after you have them. This helps in two ways: one, you will have records to look back on the next time you're doubting yourself, and two, you can add notes about the conversation based on what your headmate says about it. For example, when I write down quotes from my system, sometimes the person who said the quote will tell me how they want it formatted. If you're writing down on paper, you could even set something up where your headmates can tell you what pen or marker they want you to write their statements in! Make your conversation journal a fun activity for all of you.

Play Simon Says. A headmate can tell you what you want to do, and you'll act it out in the physical world! It can help to see a physical world impact on what's going on inside your head (which, btw, also relates to the pen and marker suggestion). We didn't do this much, but we did do our best to fulfill small requests that other system members made, even when they were somewhat inconvenient for us. Nothing like asking for a particular candy brand you don't especially like just because you know a headmate likes it to kick self-doubt in the shin, am I right?

Think about how your headmates have influenced you or your actions. This can be by asking you to do certain things, making you smile or laugh, moving a part of your body through partial possession, or giving you a headache from switching, just to name a few examples. Focus on experiences that have affected your physical body or the physical world around you, and you'll feel less like it's all just in your head.

Set up a code word to let other system members know that you're struggling. We have a code system with certain words that will communicate to other system members how secure we are in the knowledge that we're a system; if someone says an emergency code word, we know they need reassurance right then, and can do our best to pull them out of self-doubt by talking about the issue or pulling out one of the other self-assurance tactics. It can be especially helpful if saying, "Hey, I feel really insecure right now, can you guys help me out?" feels like too much in the moment.

That's about all the advice we have to give on that matter. We really hope this helps you, anon! And remember – internal communication is not the end-all be-all of being a system. It's okay to struggle; it's okay to be unable to hear your headmates. That doesn't "prove you're not a system." It just means you're going through a quiet period right now. Give it some time, and your boys will probably return – in the meantime, enjoy the quiet and take some time for yourself. You're going to be okay.

TLDR: You're not alone in your experiences, this is a normal thing for newly discovered systems to go through, and having trouble hearing your headmates does not mean you're not a real system.

#thanks for the ask! #really hope you feel better soon anon #we've been where you are and it's not a f.un experience #long post

[shhhh-baby-is-studying]

Exam season is approaching, so these are my affirmations for the next 3 weeks any time...

I'm feeling emotions:

🩷 It's okay to cry. You are not a crybaby for it.

🧡 I will NOT cry so hard I throw up

🩷 I will NOT have a panic attack

🧡 I will NOT have a mental breakdown

🩷 I will NOT shut down

🧡 I will NOT do anything Bakugou Katsuki would call me a pussy for

🩷 I will NOT let my anxiety eat me alive

🧡 I will NOT procrastinate and stress myself out

🩷 I will NOT stress out so much I make myself nauseous.

🧡 I am good enough, intelligent, and confident

🩷 I will express how I'm feeling to someone if things get rough

🧡 I will stay in tune with my emotions

I'm not taking care of myself:

🩷 I will rest and not stop when I'm tired

🧡 chores and cleaning are still productive for studying. You CANNOT study in a messy space

🩷 Meals are essential, and it does not count as being lazy to stop and eat

🧡 clean clothes and body = good minds for studying

🩷 Sleep deprivation is not good. sleeping for 7-9 hrs is NOT lazy

🧡 You are human. You are not a robot that can study 24/7.

🩷 Having a little bit of fun is okay.

🧡 I will NOT do anything that will make my loved ones worried for me

My academic validation is acting up:

🩷 your family will still love you if you have B

🧡 You are more than a test grade

🩷 You can still fail every test and pass this year with nearly all Bs

🧡 That one class is okay at a C. It's a hard class bc you have a bad teacher and a lot of information.

🩷 No grade is worth your life, your well-being, or your mental health being harmed.

I'm about to start studying:

🩷 I REFUSE TO FAIL BECAUSE OF MY SELF DESTRUCTIVE HABITS AND SELF DOUBTS!

🧡 I CAN OVERCOME ANY STRUGGLES INTERNAL OR EXTERNAL TO PASS THESE TESTS!

🩷 I AM HUNGRY FOR THIS AND I WILL ACHIEVE THE RESULTS I WANT!

🧡 YOUR HARD WORK IS GOING TO PAY OFF! IT IS INEVITABLE!

🩷 YOU WILL NOT REGRET WORKING THIS HARD FOR YOUR GOALS!

#studyblr #study motivation #study inspo #mine #study #study blog #studyspiration #affirmations #NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER GIVE UP #toxic study motivation #not really toxic but kinda #baby babbles

[sleepyserena]

Some thoughts about the final shape (the DLC)

on one hand, i have been outspoken about the dangers of online only, live service games, and the practices their publishers continue to implement to rake in the largest amount of player retention and money possible quarter over quarter. I keep thinking to myself, “do i really want to support this kind of business model, knowing the servers could shut down at any moment and that there is very little possibility of an offline patch?” it would be hypocritical of me to spend money on the final shape when I’ve been so adamant about the fragility of digital goods, the psychological impact of FOMO tactics, and the prevalence of “you had to be there” in reference to an ongoing experience like destiny. I also have strong feelings on preordering things.

on the other hand, i like playing with my friends. This game has been the catalyst for a lot of friendships and i cherish the time i spend with them through the game. I’ve also spent so much time and money on destiny over the years that sunk cost fallacy is rearing its ugly head and I’m thinking it’s too late to back out now, I’m already so invested. I also think to myself “everything is limited: time, money, life. Why don’t i try and enjoy the content the game’s offering, and enjoy it with people i enjoy being around?”

I’m also so consumed by completionism and collecting, that i MUST have all of the new things, all of the new titles and triumphs and guns. It’s a problem I’ve been struggling with for a long time, most likely because i tie my self worth to what i can achieve, and this is what i can achieve. And I’m worried that final shape will just fuel that fire and not solve the root problem. Because at the end of the day it’s more content, with more things to obtain and feats to achieve.

But it’s also a story, a story that has been building up for 10 years, the climactic conclusion to the light and dark saga, and i don’t want to miss out on it, especially looking through the metaphorical window.

Yes, $124.99 is (in comparison to other MMOs (even though destiny isn’t really an MMO in the traditional sense)) is a reasonable asking price for a year’s worth of content. Yes, i don’t HAVE to buy the annual pass edition (and i probably shouldn’t, again, because of sunk cost fallacy). The basic edition comes with the expansion and the first episode, which is cool.

I want to be hyped about final shape. I want to join my friends in experiencing the expansion. But im just so conflicted because of my personal morals and stances, but maybe i can make an exception for destiny, but making exceptions just leads to more doubt, and if i can’t take a strong stand on something, then who am i really?

People have been so kind to me recently. I want to return that kindness by being there for them, even in a silly video game. Because this silly video game has meaning.

I don’t know, i just wanted to get these thoughts out there

[herofics]

Hello! Can I request a comfort scenario for kirishima (as a student) with a s/o that has been taking antidepressants for the first time in her life and is struggling with dealing with the side effects (feeling anxious/jittery, urge to SH, brain fog, drowsiness, stuff like that). Sometimes things feels worse than they did before going on meds, and s/o is scared the meds will turn her into a whole different person.

Only if you're comfortable with that ofc! Thank you!

I’ve been on antidepressants for so long, I don’t even remember how I felt when I started them. My psychiatrist changed my antidepressants in December of 2021, but since I’ve never had any bad side effects from them, I didn’t really have any of this. I tried to write this how you described and I’m sorry this took so long to do

You were spacing out for like the third time in class that day. Kirishima had of course been glancing at you occasionally, and he’d noticed you didn’t really look like you were paying attention.

“Hey (Name)” he whispered and poked your shoulder.

“Hmmm?” you snapped out of it and looked at him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine” you shrugged.

“Okay…” Kirishima said, but you could hear the doubt in his voice.

He knew you weren’t as okay as you were trying to assure him, he was pretty sure because it was of that new medication you started taking, but he couldn’t be sure.

After the school day was over and you had returned to the dorms, you sort of just shut yourself in your room. Kirishima had noticed you had been doing that quite a lot lately. You hadn’t really been shutting him out, but you weren’t really interacting much with anyone else, and you seemed to be having a bit of a hard time in general.

Kirishima went to change out of his school uniform and into some more comfortable clothes, before going to knock on your door. He was getting worried about your state of mind as of late, you seemed to be spacing out quite a lot and you just seemed like you were in a fog.

He knocked and waited for you to let him in.

“Who is it?” came your voice from inside the room.

“It’s me” Kirishima answered.

You came to open the door and let him in. You sat on your bed and Kirishima sat on a chair opposite of you.

“How you feeling?”

“I’m okay… I guess” you sighed.

“Are you sure these meds are good for you? You’ve been pretty out of it lately, and what we talked about last night…” he trailed off.

“You mean the self-harm urges and the constant drowsiness and anxiety? Yeah, I don’t really enjoy those” you scoffed.

“I know you don’t, but I’m sure it’s not gonna be like that all the time” he smiled, trying to cheer you up.

“But what if it is? What if taking these meds is going to keep me in this state? I don’t even feel like myself right now, I feel like a different person and I don’t like it” you grumbled.

“It’s just the meds babe. You’re the same person you’ve always been, you might feel different, but you’re the same person that beat me at mario cart like a million times in a row, the person who’s kind and warm to everyone, because they don’t want anyone to feel the way they do. You’re the person I love” he said and grabbed your hand.

“Am I though? What if this doesn’t pass? What if I’m gonna be in a fog for as long as I take these meds. I know these pills aren’t a miracle cure, but I also know something like this can really help me if it just didn’t have these shitty side effects” you grabbed the bottle of pills and rattled it, before throwing it at your pillow.

“Hey, I know you’re frustrated, but it’s gonna be fine, I’m sure of that” he squeezed your hand.

You sighed, but you had to admit, you liked his optimism. You were having a hard time with seeing the bright side of pretty much anything right now, but it helped that he was able to.

“Thank you, Eiji” you said and raised his hand to your lips, kissing his knuckles.

“No problem” he smiled widely.

#bnha #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #kirishima eijirou #bnha scenarios #mha scenarios #comfort #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

[infinitewarden]

We Need to Talk About Falcon's Chase

I've been trying to figure out how to make this post for the past 3 weeks because oh boy. There's a lot of things here to unpack and I'm not entirely sure how I can even start unpacking! So I'll break it down paragraph by paragraph.

Darkness floods me like breath, expanding with each thought. For a time, it flowed out as often as in, giving me space to surface above the pressing sea and glimpse the cruel storm above, the distant hope of shore. But now there is only the sea, and nothing true remains…

This is interesting. A callback to Wolftone Draw, where Osiris recounts moments of clarity, where he can see what Savathun is doing, acting as him. Whatever connection Savathun had to him that allowed her to rake his mind for information and to copy his form allowed him to see through. Or, more accurately, resurfacing from the "water".

Darkness and water are often interchangeable within more poetical depictions of it. Such as the infamous line from Xol: "You shall drown in the deep." And later from Rhulk: "You will not rise from the deep, but drown in it."

There's a lot of emphasis around whatever Osiris is going through being that he's drowning.

As far as we know the reason he no longer resurfaces is because he no longer has that connection to Savathun. It being severed with her death (possibly sooner.)

I shut all three of my eyes; I curl in on myself, offering the world my exoskeleton as a shield. I—

So long was he under Savathun's influence he's started to lose his own sense of self.

No. I am Human. Soft and vulnerable, shell-less. And… Lightless. Waves crash over me: heavy, choking, inexorable. No choice but to drown, no point in swimming. Even the armored succumb to the depths; what chance have I?

Even then he still forces himself to not fall victim to that. To the thought and despair of being a hive. But even then it's becoming more and more difficult. He's starting to lose hope, and it's understandable why. We can only speculate on if or when he will be able to get any hope back.

I wash up on a shattered stone breakwater. I do not know my limbs. I want, I want, I WANT—what? This craving pit echoing deep within me, what does it seek? I would crawl inland if I owned myself, if only to make the hungering stop.

Again, that loss of sense of self is starting to consume him, and he laments that he does not own himself. He wants but he doesn't even know what he wants because he no longer knows himself.

The world erupts beneath me; stone becomes quicksand in an instant. I struggle, fear before thought, and it swallows me all the faster. I reach for aid—my hand is held— Saint?

This is where it becomes interesting. Osiris is briefly aware, if only for a moment, of what's happening outside. We know that this is happening at the same time as Hushed Syrinx because this happens in it:

"He looks at Osiris's hand, seemingly tiny, cradled within his own. There is so much fear in Saint's heart, so much doubt, and so much unspoken love. Too unspoken. Never again. Saint lifts Osiris's hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles." (Hushed Syrinx)

Another interesting note: a Syrinx is the vocal organ of birds. Now. Back to Falcon's Chase.

My fingers brush through open air, met instead by gripping claws. They tear at flesh and mind, wearing a grim intimacy, dripping in the sacrifice of thousands. I know these lie-sharpened talons. Would I could tear that understanding from the synaptic heart of me.

I've been trying to figure out what he means by this. Of course, "gripping claws" and "grim intimacy" and "lie-sharpened" could mean Savathun. It could be anything, really.

I'm also not entirely sure what he means in the last sentence. Osiris is very poetic, we know he is, and he doesn't choose words just to sound pretentious. So. Why this phrase? Synapses are of the brain, this could mean that he can't figure out his own thoughts. Can't understand what's happening with his mind. Or there may be more to it.

I am a hundred shards of myself, shimmering, broken in free fall, glimpsing my own infinite reflections. Some shine gold—some burn sickly green—and some fade as soon as they are witnessed. I cannot guess which one is real. Perhaps one is her. Perhaps I am her. My senses lie.

Another instance of Osiris being unable to differentiate himself from Savathun. However, this seems to show that his mind, his timeline in of itself, is fractured. A parallel to Immolant Part 2 in which he glimpsed as many timelines as he could while his Light was being drained, moments before Sagira's death.

There is something I just had occur to me, however. Savathun is in possession of the Altar of Reflections. This altar tapped into the Darkness' power of memory. And we know now that Savathun was in her throne world a few times, and Osiris was there with her. It could very possibly be his mind is the way it is because of that power.

Think about Mars: time is fractured there, temporal scarring covers the place. It could possibly be that a similar sort of temporal scarring affects Osiris' mind.

A familiar voice calls out, sonorous against the abyss, incomprehensible but sweet. I think I hear the fluttering of wings, but the hum of the Sundial gives no direction. How long has it been? (Falcon's Chase)

This... this however, is the most important part of this entire lore entry. A familiar voice that's incomprehensible but sweet? Sonorous against the abyss? The fluttering of wings? The Sundial? What could it all possibly mean!

I have but one hypothesis to offer: the Traveler is trying to speak to him. This isn't the first time Osiris has equated the Traveler, or one comparable to the Traveler, as being sweet.

Of course there is the term "sonorous against the abyss". Sonorous meaning deep, loud, so it could possibly mean the Witness. But that doesn't explain "familiar" nor "sweet". Saint perhaps? He did mention being able to feel Saint's hand, but in Hushed Lyrinx, Saint doesn't call out to him.

So. Who do we know uses familiar voices in visions to those that are dead or dreaming? The Traveler. When it spoke to Clovis it used Lusia's voice.

The voice of Clovis II’s mother came from her jaws. “You did the same thing someone always does. You saw that there was plenty, and gathered it to yourself, to make yourself one above all others. And when others threatened your plenty, you struck them down to keep your own station.” (Clovis Bray's Logbook — Missing Entries)

And what about sweet?

Osiris described the Speaker's voice as cloying.

"I am pleased to see you here. May I sit?" he spoke. Cloying noise. The stone garden is present. He is present. The Traveler, a monarch against bleak crepuscular ink. "You may." Osiris stands. "Stay." Osiris halts. He turns toward the Speaker; the Light of the Traveler washes against the bone-white hue of his mask. "Is something needed?" (Margins Part II)

And the Traveler has often been described as being incomprehensible with its visions to the Speakers. Of course, let's not forget that the Traveler is the only one of paracausal forces to choose and use bird imagery for humanity.

How could we forget the Traveler's vision from way back in the Red War? Of the Falcon that flew above a deep black ocean with countless drowning in it. (I'm not saying it was suggested way back then, no, just that I wouldn't be too shocked if they used familiar imagery.)

As for the Sundial? Honestly I have no idea. I can only speculate. This brings me back around to the idea of Osiris' mind suffering temporal scarring. We know Osiris used billions of echoes to try and find Saint, some of them are even still in there as far as we know (whether they dissipated once he lost Sagira is unknown.)

One Echo stays for years against Osiris’s orders. He has never lost control of one before; he didn’t think that was even possible. He and the Echoes are the same. (The Sundial.)

He described them as all being him so what they experienced he experienced. With the temporal scarring it could very well be that the "hum of the Sundial" is a product of those echoes and how his mind is fractured.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It's just a matter of waiting, but for the time being I suggest keeping a closer eye on Osiris's lore in future seasons + expansions until he wakes up.

#osiris #destiny osiris #osiris destiny #destiny the game #destiny 2 #season of the haunted #WHEW

[rainhearted-ramblings]

TLDR: I'm taking two showers a day, I'm getting better.

I don't know why I'm writing this.

That's how I start most of these things. I say I don't know to find out.

I'm writing this in my poetry notes because my prose notes still have an unfinished story I doubt I'll ever finish. That's not why I'm here though.

I just wanted to talk? To you, to me, a younger me, someone, anyone who'd read this? But mainly me. I just wanted to put it out there. Things are bad for me. Things are bad for me, but they're getting better. Or rather, I'm getting better. Even now, I'm not good enough to actually write this without a struggle, because I'm afraid of getting better and the fear of admitting it out loud is making my brain panic and send fog in front of my eyes. But I will shine my little candle light as much as I can through until it's put out by the moisture in the air.

I am getting better. I'm not healing, well, not mentally either way. I can't look at life the same old way, I can't shed a single tear or try to without breaking down into manic laughter. I can't tell when things are real sometimes, most times. I can't keep the bugs away, I can't keep them away, they're here now, I believe. I can't remember. I still can't remember a lot of things. I forget my own name, I come to with only a faded dreamlike memory of all that has happened, I go away when things get tough. I am not healing, I am in no way improving my situation. The problems have the same intensity, if not worse.

But I can smile more often. It's easier to laugh genuinely now. It's easier to be honest, it's easier to be brave, it's easier to be scared. it's easier to take what I want and still leave room for things other people need. it's easier to eat, it's easier to walk.

I know most of my current habits are still self destructive in some manner. But I know now. I know, and I'm getting better.

I shower twice a day, I go walking for an hour. I try to keep in touch with my friends and I try not to ice them out. I learn to forgive rather than forget because I know I'll do that in time. I know it's not doing much for my health if I'm not living fully healthily but I'm making healthier choices. I'm trying to get fitter.

I still can't study to save my life, or a life. I procrastinate, get distracted, get bad grades, and beat myself up about it knowing it's my fault. Hopefully I'll be able to learn new things with better ease than old ones. I don't think I will ever love who I see in the mirror. I don't think I can show anyone me.

But it's easier to think of the good times, it's easier to want the past back, it's easier to think there's more good than bad in this world. In me. it's not easy, but it is easier.

Whenever I see people talk about recovery, they speak of hope, four letters as familiar and foreign to me as the other four letters of love. Four letters that mean the world to me and yet four letters I cannot comprehend in a way that matters. And recovery is a lot about hope. You hope it'll be easier. You hope it'll get better. Hope is a warrior and a whimsy, the biggest paradox and yet the only constant across human nature. I don't know why I'm talking about hope. I don't hope. Hope is blind. And I haven't ever been one to see. But I know, and I hope. They talk of all the good things, and I never quite figured out why until now. To me recovery was a fantasy land of positivity, where bad things happened, but they only spoke about the good. I used to think what the point was, if all you're going to speak about is the good, why speak at all? Why won't you acknowledge the bad. Why so hopeful, so blind.

But then I'm writing this and I have to clamp my mouth shut every two minutes to make sure the bugs don't get in. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Talking about getting better makes me so so scared because I'm scared of it. I'm scared of this. That's why they always talk about the good things, because it's more difficult to talk about them. To admit they exist when you feel so bad, so wrong.

The only reason I haven't seen red is because I lost count. I know where the numbers last left, I could find them again, but I choose not to, in hope of getting better. The bugs crawl into my eyes as I type this, but I hope I get better. I still don't know if I'll make it to eighteen. I hope that I'll stop hoping I won't. Despite the good, the better in my life, I still can't heal. I need help, proper professional help I cannot receive anytime soon. And I'll be stuck here for quite a while.

But I'm taking two showers a day, I'm walking, be it for two hours or twenty minutes. I'm screaming while fighting of lizards that sneak into the shelf, but I'm fighting them off. I'm birdwatching pigeons and stargazing into a polluted sky with one star and no moon. I'm writing through burnout, blocks and bugs, I'm creating even though I haven't written a single chapter. I'm speaking to friends, I'm building bonds long after when most people would consider them broken. I'm laughing easier now, I don't have to be on the verge of tears to do so. And I'm able to say I'm getting better, no matter how much I hate it. Or how much I hope I love it.

Because it's all about hope isn't it? I hope I'll love myself even though deep down I never will, I think. I told many people I'm a hopeless optimist about everything except me. That's not quite true, I think I have a lot of hope, all things considered. I might not be much of an optimist though.

I'm going ten steps backward every time. But I've been taking steps forward. And even if I'll still be far far away from where I started, I'm moving forward somewhere, somehow, even if it doesn't matter in the end. At the end of the day, I still don't love myself, I still don't want to live and I still can't help but lose myself and forgo all reality. I can't help but take a million steps back.

But I'm taking two showers a day. And that's one step forward. And I'm getting better.

#writerscommunity #writers on tumblr #writeblr #spilled ink #poetsandwriters #poetic prose #prose #spilled prose #recovery #getting better #I know it's not gay #but please #deal with me #i don't know where else to post this #but i want someone to see it #yknow?

[not-poignant]

There's a take floating around which goes: If you're self-deprecating about your writing your readers feel shitty so keep that shit to yourself, it's terrible to make them feel shitty.

And it's like... yes but, mental illness exists and this take seems... ableist?

Like don't get me wrong, I keep like 99.999% of my insecurities about my writing away from social media or public spaces believe it or not (which was a skill I had to learn, and did not come easily, and does not come easily, esp to people who have very few trusted friends they can vent to), but... people have mental illnesses? Telling someone to just 'keep it to themselves' is... part of the problem, and not part of the solution.

Seeing someone feel terrible about writing can be resonating for others who feel terrible about their writing sometimes, especially when they then pull through to the other side and keep writing. Seeing your favourite writers go on downward spirals is like 'oh they feel that too.' There can be solidarity in the low points, especially for those of us who have actual mental illnesses. I know for myself, seeing folks with unmedicated ADHD, who experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria over fics that don't do great, who sometimes wonder if it's worth it, go on to decide that it is worth it - is actually really heartening for me personally.

The example given was that if say - I feel bad about my writing, it might make people feel bad about their writing too. Like 'oh no if that writer feels bad then how bad is my writing?' -> I acknowledge this could happen, but I'm also very frank about literally having mental illness/es and generally being in the middle of them when I'm downward spiralling on my writing. If someone uses that to tear down their own writing, they might have their own mental health stuff to deal with that is literally their responsibility, and I have no doubt that many people do.

For myself, personally, someone else's downward spiral has actually never made me feel bad about my writing, but it has made me go 'hey fellow sufferer of these particular spirals, I recognise you, I recognise this pain, it won't last, and you're doing amazing.' Everyone's different, I prefer the solidarity in acknowledgement and honesty, even as someone who literally does keep a lot of that stuff private because I also don't want to be like... 'constant mental illness parade' on this particular Tumblr. That's what Dreamwidth is for ;)

The world of writing (or any career) isn't just a place for forced cheer and happiness and 'I am confident ALL THE TIME about my writing.' Especially creative industries where everything is subjective and you literally have no idea how well your stuff is going to do, vs. a surgery where you probably have a pretty good idea if you're doing a good job literally while you're doing the surgery. Constant cheer and confidence to me is false and it's frankly alienating. Some of my best artist and writer friends I've made, are people who do sometimes just speak up honestly about the pain, suffering, and mental health impacts of doing something creative when you have anxiety, depression or PTSD (for example.)

I'm not saying the alternative - to *constantly* talk your writing down - is great either... but- let's be real it's often a symptom of a *mental illness* and I'm not about invisibilising or asking people to pretend they don't have them or to conceal their symptoms. I'd rather know someone was struggling. Telling people to hide their ugly parts is literally what we call mental health stigma. Telling someone to shut up about their suffering simply because it might make other people feel bad, is honestly pretty ableist in general, but especially in the arena of mental health. We generally want people to be speaking up more, because the alternative is isolating and alienating, and can lead to dire consequences.

I'd rather someone talked about having a bad day with their writing, and gave me a chance to at least witness that and maybe even react (with a heart emoji, or a paragraph, or something), than suffered in silence only to one day disappear from writing (or the world) forever.

So yeah, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

If you're the kind of person who doesn't like to see someone with mental illnesses talk about sometimes hating their writing, the unfollow button is right there. :)

#thinky thoughts #pia on writing #pia on fanfiction #pia on mental illness #i'm so tired of the take of #'you make other people feel bad because of this very real illness you have that you can't cure #so shut the fuck up about it instead' #it's a bad take #and i do not want that take to be normalised #i do think it's important for writers to think about the impact of what they say #but thinking about the impact of what you're saying and how you say it #is different to having someone suggest you just #never be authentic about your disabilities or mental illnesses at all #no one is obligated to stay here if they don't want to see the posts where i'm having a hard time #the writing is all on AO3 #with author's notes that are relatively ennui free

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi. Can't think of trigger warnings, maybe for crappy therapy and a bad therapist and some mentions of physical illness. Looking for advice. Nickname purple

I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a fear of/reluctance to seek therapy (and to am extent medical care in general). More and more often I'm starting to think I'll never be able to function normally without some help but I'm so scared to get it. In part I think this came from my mom's own mental illness and how whatever pills she took (no idea what they were or even what they were for besides that there were a lot) left her so out of it all the time and sometimes made her destructive on top of neglectful, and from my dad's distrust of the medical system as a whole, to the point of ignoring his doctors after a heart attack, not seeing care for cancer until it had progressed too far too fix, and generally being reluctant to get me any medical care and being mad at my mom if she took me to the doctor for anything, because it was babying me and would make me think it was okay to be weak and I should be stronger and trust God before 'weird medicine'. Between that and most people in my life growing up basically thinking mental Illness isn't real and anyone who claims to have it is faking maliciously or, especially if they claim to have significant past trauma, flat out delusional (and yes, they applied this to me, even when I was actively suicidal or had visible marks from abuse).

I got sent to a therapist when I was twelve, against my will in a whole court ordered thing, and while I don't remember many specifics of the first session I know I was reluctant to talk and he ended up screaming at me until I shut down. The few additional sessions there were went better, though only because I coasted through and just tried to give the most 'normal' responses to anything he said so I'd be allowed out of it all sooner.

Now, well into adulthood, my issues have only gotten worse and worse. It feels my mind is falling apart and I'm so frequently scared, my emotional regulation and memory are practically non-existent. I can't get away from self harm or disordered eating (though I often doubt a therapist would think those things are significant), can barely keep myself from falling back into substances. I can barely get a job or keep it and sometimes the only thing keeping me here is being scared to die though sometimes that doesn't even work (I'm not actively suicidal right now just to clarify). More than ever it feels like I'm barely real or even alive.

But I'm still scared to even try to schedule a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I'm scared I won't even be able to talk when asked what's wrong since more and more now I've been having verbal shutdowns, especially in frightening enchantments or under the slightest stress, which I respond to worse than ever lately. I've been thinking of writing down a summary of what's going on but I don't know if they'll accept that, if they'll want me to talk normally. I'm scared they'll want me to go into past trauma but I just can't, not to a stranger or sometimes to anyone at all. I'm scared they'll think I'm just making everything up and turn me away. I'm scared they'll think I'm just a whiny child that can't handle normal life, or I'm just looking for some excuse to not participate in society or get drugs or something (funny, since I'm afraid to take meds and I'd probably just refuse if prescribed something controlled). I'm just scared and I know I won't be able to take it if I get even a fraction of the treatment I did at that therapist back then or most other times I've tried to bring up anything wrong with me to people in my life. I just don't know what to do I'm sorry I'm sorry

Hi Purple, I am so sorry for your experiences, and would like to start by validating your mental health struggles, and trauma history, and commend you for the self awareness it takes to want to develop new coping skills for a healthy functioning base line. We all deserve the space and time to explore what that means for us, and I hope you find yours as well. It makes all the sense in the world to me, that with both your background, and experiences, that the thought of seeking out therapy would feel the way it does for you. I deeply empathize with it, and know it is something that unfortunately does happen within the medical community. I had the opportunity to reply to a previous ask about something similar that I'll link here as well, but essentially, I'd like to copy over two core parts of it: This link about red flags in therapists (not to discourage!) but to help validate your experiences and not potentially self-gas light yourself as you navigate new medical professionals along your healing journey.

But also this part:

"Of course it’s very understandable that without feeling safe, the appointment could feel so jarring that even if you meet a kind one, it could be hard to convey what you’re looking for.  

My first advice would be to ask if someone can go with you, someone you feel comfortable with, and who you might even be able to practice a dialogue with beforehand.  

Even if they can, or cannot come, my second piece of advice is to have your questions written down as well.  Worst come to worst, if you feel unable to verbally share your concerns, perhaps you could slide them over so they can reply.  

My third piece of advice is to ask for a print out of the after visit summary, with clear instructions and follow up to what the next steps might be - something you can refer to in the future as well." Regardless of what you choose moving forward, I hope you find someone who helps you feel seen, heard, and encourages you along your healing path.

Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #therapy #purple

[kalijhomentethi]

Headcanons: Star Guardian Akali

You know, I’ve always written Akali being sad inside. She grew up not being loved in pretty much all her verses. She definitely needs help. It’s just not explored a lot (though mentioned here and there) since a lot of my threads involve her being in a good place. But in that new Star Guardian cinematic, Riot did not hesitate to slap us in the face with “AKALI IS DEPRESSED.” YES. SHE IS DEPRESSED.

I posted screenshots and divided them into four posts to represent the four arcs I noticed in the video.

Spiraling into self-doubt and depression

Fighting her shadow self / doubt

Doubt resurfacing and being unable to fight back against the corruption

Merging into one with her shadow self

The cinematic is aptly named “Shadow of a Doubt.” She’s constantly tormented by Fiddlesticks inside and outside of her dreams. She’s developed a deep fear of them. She hears her own voice whispering to her all the self-doubt she has kept bottled up inside.

When she meets her shadow self, she spares the other no mercy and immediately takes her down. She instantly tried to smother whatever negative feeling the shadow self represents. When the other disappears, she gets a false sense of security. But a deep-rooted anxiety can’t go away that easily. Both Akali and her shadow self struggle to get away from each other only to become one. And based on the ending, Akali is going to have to fight tooth and nail for the the shadow to leave because that shadow is the corruption seeping into her very being. 

There’s a tear on the shadow’s face, which suggests that the corruption started from sadness, and it even took a step back in hesitation before charging at real Akali as if it had no other choice. And the fact that the shadow self was desperate enough to be rescued to reach out to Morgana of all people speaks volumes of Akali’s state of mind. Alternatively, it could also mean that Morgana is the one manipulating things to speed up Akali’s corruption.

Here are some quotes from her Star Guardian skin:

“Star Guardians burn bright then burn out. Doesn’t anyone care?”

“Sacrificing yourself isn't noble, it just leaves the ones you love picking up the pieces.”

“Does this friendship bracelet mean nothing to her?” 

And an excerpt from the Twin Stars story - Chapter 14, Faltering Perspective:

“I think I get it,” Akali said, only half lying. “But, Kai’Sa, don’t shut me out next time. You can rely on me, too.” Kai’Sa nodded, but Akali shook her head. “Promise me.”

Akali lifted her finger, and Kai’Sa hooked it with her pinky, the petals of their pink and blue forget-me-not bracelets glittering in the starlight. “I promise, Akali.”

A small part of Akali worried that this was a promise Kai’Sa was going to break, another opportunity for Kai’Sa to pick Akali over herself. But Akali held onto that moment, their promise, regardless, even as she tried to forget all that had happened. All that had changed.

Akali buried her pain deep inside, where a tendril of darkness unfurled within the chasm in her heart.

And a few lines from the event:

Akali: You want me to work with Zoe? Do you not remember what she did?!

...

Akali: I don’t know what you saw. Obviously something different from what I saw.

Akali: I watched a paddle star destroy my old neighborhood. A building collapsed next to me with people still inside. I saw a Star Guardian actually die.

Akali: You saw... what? Lux saving the city? Being a big hero, getting a statue? They left us, Kai’Sa.

Akali: The old guardians are all gone. All of them! They left us here to do this ourselves, and now, I...

Akali: I am being hunted and tortured by... that thing. I can’t even go home at night by myself. I hear it everywhere. It’s following me!

...

Akali: Your obsession with being a Star Guardian is... I can’t deal with it anymore. Do you even care how I feel? Do you know what I see when I close my eyes?!

Akali: So many people I cared about are dead. And now there’s nothing stopping me from dying, too. And you don’t even care.

Akali: I took this stupid oath because I believed in you! You promised nothing would change!

The corruption started in Akali since she was a child. She witnessed her home get destroyed, people get killed, and found out the betrayal that happened within Ahri’s Star Guardian team. These events are engraved in Akali’s mind even years later, seeing as she doesn’t see Ahri in a good light. Not to mention that she and Kai’Sa had a fight before Xayah and Rakan’s arrival in the city. The best friends only reunited because of the chaos around them and the need to keep the other safe.

Present time: Whenever Akali is present in the client story event, her lines always involve her being angry at Kai’Sa not being able to give ample emotional support. Kai’Sa is always worrying about her role as the team leader. Akali is left to fend for herself alone. Not only does she feel like she doesn’t have anyone to count on, Fiddlesticks is also stalking her and making her life even more miserable, haunting her in every hour of the day. Morgana is there at school, always taunting them. The corruption has finally manifested with all these things happening at the same time.

She doesn’t need Kai’Sa to do heroic things to be like Lux. She just needs her.

#im rambling #i expected happy stuff w sg but nope all angst #note: i dont mean to step on toes/assume stuff regarding mental illnesses #i wanted to write about akali's struggles since the sg stories are not at all light-hearted #pls make sure to filter tw tags #headcanons #tw depression #tw depression mention #star guardian event spoilers

[carduelism]

Theo Decker as “In case I make it” lyrics and quotes because mental illness!

Becoming the Lastnames - (Theo, totally no Larry, Decker)

I'm not sure yet myself, but I learned from a good father

Yeah, I mean, sure, they messed me up, but I think that's just the gig

And maybe it's just some hormones that kick in in your late twenties

But I have laid a lot of women, and now I'd like to just lay down

And marriage always scared me, but I'd like to have a last love

And love can last a pretty good long while, yeah, I've seen it around

…

Just like my parents in due time

Imagine me, just like my parents, yeah, right

…

'Cause I've made more mistakes than simple empty moments

Each one is out of character, but as you know I tend to be

Falling up - (sorry, it just mentioned the moon)

It’s just the high-noon moon saying “Shoot for the stars

Be the next big constellation, connect the dots between your parts”

That’s Enough, Let’s Get You Home. - (god this man’s love life is horrendous)

My dream girl [Pippa], those eyes, that nose

My private inside joke, sign the cast on my funny bone

Floral sheets on long-given-up ghosts

Haunt my bedroom at night and say “Let’s get you home”

…

They say “Grow up, be a man, ‘cause until then you’re nothing but a short-haired girl”

But come and Braille-palm-read and hold my hand, see my reason and “Goodbye, cruel world”

And oh my god, what’s wrong with me?

And the wife of Walter Keane, whose name right now’s escaping me

…

Oh, sweet Mary! [Kitsey Barbour]

Dream girl, come but keep your hands off me

Go on back to bed, my love, I mean, that’s where dreams are supposed to be

Um, it’s Kind of a Lot - (about Boris)

Oh, I'm afraid that you'll change your mind

I'm afraid there's somebody better

I'm afraid of four-letter words, like "love", "for", and "ever"

(Or whatever)

And I'm afraid you'll notice all my flaws

I'm afraid you already have, obviously

…

So here's one last lyric to sum up these thoughts I struggled to come up with

To make me sound deep and smart, and then I promise I'll shut up

Wait, let me think, hold on, I got this

Anything but "I'm in love with you"

Half-Decade Hangover - (his drug situation)

Wonder how I didn’t die

This is not my life, I’m no survivor, I only happened to survive

Wonder how I sleep at night

Well I count pink elephants, blessings, and skeletons

Down the days I have left, with one eye open

…

Then stumbling off to lose myself in a brown paper bag 'cause me and

Sweet Evan Williams got a date down on Avenue A

Staving shakes, scraping change till daybreak

Turns out anyone can eat out the trash

…

I was drunk when I made my bed

Now with a half-decade hangover I lay down in it

What have I done? Don't know what I've said

It’s a half-decade hangover, either this, in jail, or dead

It’s a half-decade hangover, Jesus Christ, my aching head

…

Like it’s a good thing you said, “You’ve got your whole life ahead”

Oh great, another half a century to live to regret

I’d rather be anybody else instead

…

Sober, but so much still hangs over

Please believe me when I say that I’ve poured my whole past down the drain

Say that a second chance is a chance I can take

But I can’t make amends for things I can't remember

I can only say I'm sorry and occasionally pray

Guess you’ll just have to take my word that I’ve changed

After one thousand eight hundred twenty five days

You Like This (Okay, Computer!) - (about himself to himself)

Ten Red Flags that a Neurotypical Narcissist is Trauma Dump Gaslighting You into Sex-Negative Self-Abuse Emotional Labor

The Main Character - (him whilst writing lmao)

I’m that first person they talk about in all the books

I’m that perspective you cannot doubt, see how I look

Control the narrative reliably, baby, it’s all about me

And I wrote the book about throwing the book at those who don’t do it by it

…

So god forbid I’m seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene

I’m the gap between a tragedy and comedy

Don’t come at me

I’m the main character and you have to like me

Against The Kitchen Floor - (about his sexual relationship with Boris)

I don't owe you my heart, and I don't owe you my body

But you should know that I'm sorry for being careless with you

Lord knows I owed you more than I'm pretty sure I ever could give anybody

But I can't pin down what normal people want from foreign objects

Bottom shelf erotic products like me

…

And I swear I'm really trying

I'm just as exposed if I take off my clothes

When we make the closest thing to love that I'm capable of

And I don't know why you would care, but I'm really trying

Oh, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm doing my best

I just haven't learned how to be human as you are yet

…

I'm down pounding my head against the kitchen floor

Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours

Don't say "I'm sorry, but this can't go on," I know you've got scars of your own

But hide my knives before you go, I'll either live or die alone

Anyway that is it but I have another treat. Boris as Will Wood’s monologue in this video

I’m [Boris Pavlikovsky]. I’m a busy something, I’m a tired something, I’m an overmedicated something. I haven’t felt an emotion in several days. Fantastic. You all should try it, anybody, everybody. Y’know my mother used to always say that “anybody could benefit from therapy,”and I would agree with that, anybody could benefit from drugs. There’s, even if you’re not mentally ill, you could always just take some extra ones ‘cause they’re gonna make you better in one way or another. Yeah, not necessarily permanently. I can’t, in good conscience, quite recommend taking as many drugs as you can to improve your uhhhh your well-being, your state of mind, but I can in bad conscience do it. So what the fuck, you guys should do more drugs. Now one thing that I used to fucking do a lot of is drugs. I don’t do too many of them anymore ‘cause they already done me. You name it, I did it. I did shit that didn’t even have names, just long chemical codes and acronyms that you looked at long enough you could find your fucking social security number in. The kind of shit that didn’t even have street names yet, yeah that’s those see, that make you see the future. It’s good shit man, I highly recommend it, no I don’t I can’t, I’m responsible here, I’m talking to people here with real consequences of the things I say. But what was I saying, where was I, oh yeah back in the day I used to do it all man. Fuck man, I used to do it all. I was a controlled substance. My blood was illegal. They started testing peoples’ piss for my piss. I could spit in your eye and you’d start seeing shit. But not anymore, which means I’m healthy, which means I’m balanced, or maybe it just fucking means that, god fucking dammit, I’m just on the right kind of drugs now. Maybe, maybe that at this point what it is, is that the addiction that ran my fucking life before has given way to a more medically acceptable addiction. Maybe the lamotrigine isn’t fucking working. Maybe the fucking mood stabilisers aren’t quite fuckin working. Sorry ‘bout that, haha. Overheating a little bit here. I have too many scalps.

#the goldfinch #tgf #theodore decker #theo decker #tgf theo #boris pavlikovsky #tgf boris #boreo #(?) #will wood #in case i make it

[kingspuppet-a]

To be honest I just feel really overwhelmed mentally. I keep telling myself I’ll start writing in earnest again and be present. But the truth of the matter is, is that I’m still struggling a lot. I’ve been ridden with extreme self doubt ––– more than what I usually deal with ––– over this last month. I can’t shed this feeling of not being good enough and a massive sense of loneliness that I can’t seem to calm down. I talk to my therapist every week and I’m trying out different meds, but it’s still really hard. I want to be here and have friends that I can frequently talk to, but it gets so lost in all the negative that I’m at a loss. It’s easier to shut myself away from the world because of it.

Then all the stuff with Billy these last few days hit me really hard. He and Robbie are my top favorite VA’s. I’ve gotten to speak to him, play Smash against him, and he even loved my art. His smile is an absolute day brightener and he reminded me so much of my older brother. So what happened really hit me hard, especially because it hit extremely close to home with a family member I was super close with when I was really young. I don’t want to get all emotional over it right now, so I won’t get into it. But it hasn’t helped my mental state at all.

So I guess in short, I’m still struggling a lot. And all I want to do is write and have friends and just...exist in a better state of mind. But right now that’s not the case and I feel really defeated.

#; OOC || Bri ♟️ #; To Be Deleted || Attic Trash ♟️ #//Sorry for constantly posting venting stuff and OOC stuff instead of writing. #//That coupled with my self doubt makes me also not want to be on here because I don't want to complain. #//I already feel unattractive enough but these feelings for me are so real and so deep and so incredibly raw. #//I want to be good enough for myself and for others but it's hard to believe that it'll ever be a reality for me. #//And so it makes me not want to do the things I need to do or the things that I enjoy.