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#I have drawn NINE pages so far

l8dyvenus · 5 months

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PAC - what are peoples first impression of you?

NOTE: this is a general read, take what resonates and leave what does not. if you would like to book a personal reading, my prices are on my page. if you would like a free reading, I do exchanges. thank you for taking the time to read this pac, enjoy loves. 👾

PILE ONE

reading:

< five of pents, ten of cups, nine of cups >

peoples first impressions of you consist of thinking you have a wall. you’re the type of person where someone can look into your eyes or talk to you for five minutes and can tell you’ve been through something. but this is something that you don’t dwell on. if anything they think you don’t want them to pity you. you want them to see you as confident, committed, and stern. that whatever has happened to you didn’t break you, nothing can. you’re like the phoenix. instead of falling you rise up even bigger and better. you turn your weakness into strengths and inspire others with this energy. they think upon first meeting that you have a cold demeanor, you’re nonchalant and take no bullshit, but when they actually get to know you they understand you’re just picky with who you open up to. you’re in the midst of healing, and everyone who comes across you, you bring them down that road too. something about you just first being around people makes them want to open up to you as well. you feel familiar to others, as everything is okay for them to let down that fragile wall and be vague. If you’re a woman, with guys, they think you play hard to get when you in reality you don’t like superficial things. people think you are the entire package, the IT girl/guy. THAT girl/guy. sophisticated, smart, humbled, and only interested in making money and bettering yourself. they think you have a great life ahead and that you’re going far. you could be very spiritual or religious. either way, you like sharing your knowledge and deep intellectual debates with others. people often feel insecure and intimidated by you upon first meeting you, but also can’t help but to be attracted to your pure dark energy. im getting Pisces/8th energy. you could be very ethereal looking or may come of enigmatic to others. people don’t know why they are so heavily drawn to you, but they are. could be to the point of subtle obsession.

PILE TWO

reading:

< three of swords, eight of swords, king of pents >

peoples first impression of you is that they think you are a heart breaker. that you give off good energy that you are a free spirit and carry a lot of spunk. you are on the road to building your success so you don’t spend much time wondering about other people and their business. I’m hearing you don’t stay around in anybodys life for long or it’s hard to keep up with you. you could know a lot of people, have a lot of friends but you could be a very distant person. the type where every one will know you on some social level, but you only pop out to events when you want. people think you’re pretty chill, cool, and detached but also the life of the party. very much into the belief of YOLO. you could be a an Aquarius or have 11th H placements. they think you are very unique and not afraid to express yourself or stand up for people who others think are below them. you could’ve met a lot of people at a social humanitarian event or a lot of your relationships that you built could have started from something you truly believe in or value in the physical world. people think you have a good head on your shoulders and that you’re a very mature person. you may be young but when others speak with you the first time you give them a physical example of how age doesn’t coincide with wisdom. you come off as elegant and classy or speak with a open ethical mind. there’s an airy aura surrounding you and you make people feel like they can speak to you about anything.

PILE THREE

reading:

< seven of wands, six of pents, two of wands >

people think you have a lot of sex appeal. you’re someone feisty and knows how to defend yourself by having a nasty come back when someone try’s to challenge you. but just like you could have a ruthless side, you are a very generous person. your personality could fluctuate or you could just come off very moody. people think you have a lot of energy and is not afraid to stand up and go against something that doesn’t sit right with you. you like to fight for what you believe in and you don’t take no for an answer. you could speak or carry yourself with great authority. your voice may be very loud and clear, or maybe even deep. people think you can control your facial expressions or keep your emotions in check. you come off very passionately about the justice of others and especially your beliefs. upon people first meeting you, you may treat them as if they have already been your friend. asking if they are okay, making sure they don’t feel left out or helping them out if they don’t have something.

PILE FOUR

reading:

< seven of cups, four of wands, three of pents >

other peoples first impression of you is that you may be an idealist, goal oriented, and all over the place. I’m seeing the page of cups even though I didn’t get that card. when I say “all over the place” though, I don’t exactly mean like moody. all over the place as in you have a lot of dreams you want to accomplish, and you are making sure you are putting in your efforts to insure victory. you seem like a party person or someone who likes to socialize. you have connections everywhere or you tend to make friends with people right off of the bat. everybody knows you or wants to be friends with you. you’re more like a leader rather than a follower. you’re funny and outgoing and anybody can just vibe with you. I’m getting heavily “crazy, sexy, cool” type chick/guy. you look hot to a lot of people. sometimes, off first glance, people may only think about that and project their thoughts of you being superficial, but you’re not and when people start talking to you they see you have a lot more to offer than just looks. they think you have a mouth on you too. that you can retort back to any dismissive comments someone throws at you. If you’re a woman, the first thing guys notice about you are either your boobs or curly hair. some people think you give off milf vibes. either way, peoples first impressions of you are that you’re like the cool mom friend or just that one boujee OCD vibrant person.

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dilemmaontwolegs · 4 months

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Not A Verstappen: Lights Out {5}

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!driver!reader x Lando Norris Summary: The most anticipated race of the year is here, and the most controversial, Las Vegas GP. Warnings: 18+ only, nsfw, fluff, angst, injury WC: 3.5k F1 Masterlist NAV: Sibling Rivalry One || Two || Three NAV: Gridlocked One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || Nine NAV: A New World One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || Nine || Ten NAV: Lights Out One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six

Round Twenty Two - Las Vegas

Kristian sat on a weight bench, flipping through the pages of the motherhood magazine he was reading. Every so often he would look up and give some guidance until the tips became a nuisance.

“I should have fired you,” you muttered as you rose up from the last lunge.

“You say that a lot but you should keep your back straight,” he shot back, grating you further with the slow scrape of the page turning. “And keep your feet in line with your hips.”

“Can we play some decent music at least?” you whined between the gulps of water you swallowed down. The training was far less intensive than they used to be with everything focused on just maintaining fitness and health rather than a goal weight or strength like before.

“Nope,” he chuckled, clearly enjoying being able to boss you around the gym again. “Baroque is good for the baby.”

“Bullshit.” There was no way the classical music meant anything to her, she was only the size of an avocado - or so Lando said. He had an app that he checked daily and uploaded photos onto as a keepsake.

Kristian turned back to the start of the magazine and turned it around, tapping the title of the article. “So you think you know more than Harvard scholars now, Spitfire?”

He took your silence for defeat and pointed to the pool door. “Twenty lap cool down and then it’s breakfast.”

Your stomach grumbled at the mention of food and you grabbed a towel as you passed the door to the changing room. Breakfast didn’t feel like the right term since it was well past lunchtime. The whole Las Vegas schedule had screwed your body clock with the late night practices and qualifying rounds but you were grateful it was the last night of it.

Lando and Charles had been fast asleep when you slipped out of the room. Something had disturbed you from the dream you were having and despite the room being pitch black with the thick blockout curtains your body could tell it was daytime. Thankfully Kristian was already awake and happy to move your fitness session up a few hours.

Cool water washed over you as you dove into the tepid pool and started to glide along the surface. One, two, three, breathe. One, two, three, breathe. The monotony was therapeutic and you didn’t even bother to keep count of the laps - your mind was elsewhere.

You had been dead on your feet in the wee hours of the morning after you finally left the track with Lando and Charles after qualifying finished. They still had adrenaline flooding their systems and had no hope of sleeping when they sunk into the couch cushions and pulled your exhausted body over their legs.

You were in a drowsy state, half asleep but half aware of the other two chatting quietly together. Their hands had softly caressed your skin, brushing your shirt up so they could feel the warmth of your abdomen beneath their palms.

“She’s so beautiful, Cha, and she’s carrying our kid. I don’t think I have ever been this happy in my life,” Lando hummed as he rested his head on Charles’ shoulder and smiled at their hands.

“We are very lucky to have her,” he agreed as he kissed Lando softly.

“So…” You tasted the mischief in Lando’s drawn out tone and it stirred some energy back into your body. “When can I start calling you daddy?”

Charles’ legs shifted beneath you with a groan and you willed your eyes to open as his cheeks flushed pink. “Mon cher...”

“You can call me papi chulo,” Lando smirked. “It means-”

“I know what it means,” Charles choked, knowing exactly who had taught him that too. “Carlos is a menace, but if anyone is going to be papi chulo it’s me.”

You nearly swallowed a mouthful of water as the memory of what had happened next led to a lapse in your count and you pulled yourself out of the pool with a splutter. Those two had a lot to answer for.

“Here,” Kristian said as he tossed a bottle of water to you. “Try not to drink from the pool.”

“What would I do without you?” you asked dryly.

“I don’t dare to think about that,” he joked before he said your favourite words. “Let’s go eat.”

You stared at the egg on your plate before pushing it away with disinterest. Charles looked up from his own plate and frowned at the rare sight of the food that remained on yours.

“Would you like something else, mamie?”

You smiled at the new endearment and watched Lando cut an avocado in half before passing one part over to you. The vibrant green flesh did look delicious but when you held it in your hand you could only think about the bump that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. You hadn’t noticed it before changing into your swimsuit but when you peeled the tight layer off in the gym's changing room you had frozen. The mirrored wall caught your side profile under glaring fluorescent lights and there, just below your belly button it swelled ever so slightly.

A hand waved in front of your face and you broke away from the memory to see both your boyfriends watching you with worried frowns. One of them had obviously spoken to you but you couldn’t recall hearing them as you stared at the avocado.

“You’re crying,” Lando murmured as he swiped away the tear on your cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“She’s this big already. Our baby is the size of an avocado. She’s so tiny,” you said with a small laugh, raising the fruit higher for inspection. They looked at you like you were a little crazy and it wouldn’t have been the first time that was suspected but you pushed the chair out and placed the avocado back on the table. “Come, I want to show you something.”

You led them to the bedroom and Charles opened his mouth to break the bad news that they didn’t have time for even a quickie. The thought had crossed your mind when you found them still naked and splayed across the bed before breakfast was ready, but they needed to get to the track soon for media duties and to prepare for the race.

“That’s a shame but also not what I came here for,” you admitted as you started to remove your shirt.

“I’m getting mixed messages here,” Lando chuckled as he reached for his own shirt. “But I don’t mind being late.”

“Stop, before I really do make you stay,” you chuckled knowing they would do anything for you. You dropped your shirt and turned sideways while you stared at the reflection in the mirror. “Look…”

Their eyes followed the wave of your hand, the way your palm drifted over your hip to cradle the small bump, and Lando gasped along with Charles soft praise. Knees hit the soft carpet below your feet and warm lips replaced your hand, teasing your skin with kisses. Two heads of dark hair bowed against your stomach and whispered words of promise you couldn’t quite hear, but they weren’t for your ears. Finally they looked up, emerald and azure eyes filled with enough love that you were certain your chest was going to crack open.

You reached for their cheeks and felt the same dampness that coated yours. “She’s real,” you whispered. It had taken a few weeks but finally it all felt real. She wasn’t just a picture on a piece of paper or measurements of a hormone in a blood test. She was real, and she was yours.

“You look like a twat,” you greeted Max with a grin, flapping the collar of his race suit made to replicate Elvis Presley. “You’re just missing the blue suede shoes.”

Max rolled his eyes and ducked his head when you tried to mess his gelled hair up. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.”

“Oh I am,” you laughed, slipping back into Charles’ side. “I’m actually happy to sit out this circus act.”

Max narrowed his eyes as he scanned your face for a lie or bitterness but all he saw was a bright smile and genuine amusement sparkling in your eyes. A sense of relief washed over him as for the first time since losing your seat you looked completely content and happy.

“I don’t blame you,” he finally replied and looked down at the costume he had been given. He would be glad when all this was over too. “I’ll see you at Omnia?”

The sun had already set on the strip and the temperature was quickly dropping as the hour grew late, and closer to the start of the race. “Maybe, if it’s a boring race I might not even be awake to see the end of it.”

“Fair enough.” He hoped you would be there to celebrate whatever the results were but he knew you were more exhausted in your current state and wouldn’t hold it against you. Christian waved at Max from across the street that divided the hospitality area from the garages and he gave you a quick hug, clapping Charles in the shoulder as he passed. “The Ring Master calls.”

“Drive safe!” He threw a thumbs up over his shoulder in answer and you laced your fingers with Charles’ before continuing to the McLaren garage.

It was strangely quiet for a race that had been hyped up so much over the last year, but you were kind of relieved that there were less people to weave between. It was great that the sport was growing in popularity but it was a pain in the ass trying to get anywhere when you are squashed like sardines in the paddock.

Somehow you still managed to bump into someone.

“Shit, sorry, Logan.”

“That was my bad,” he apologised as he turned to face the direction he was walking, waving back to the fan who had stopped him. His eyes widened when he saw who he had collided with and regret painted on his face. “Shit, are you alright? I didn’t hurt you, did I, or the, um…” he waved a hand to your stomach and you tilted your head wondering who had told him.

“I’m fine, but you knew?”

Logan scratched the back of his neck nervously and shrugged. “The walls were thin in the medical centre.”

You were dumbfounded and the sound that bubbled from your chest confirmed it. “Huh.”

“I haven’t told anyone, and I won’t,” he promised before his name was called and he waved to his PT. “Oh, congratulations though, I probably should have started with that.”

Charles laughed and shook the American’s hand. “Thanks, mate.”

You smiled and accepted the half hug he offered, probably thinking a handshake would be even more awkward. “Thanks, and congrats on your first point too.”

“Not as exciting as a baby.”

“Yeah it is,” you laughed, remembering your first point for Alpha Tauri. “That’s your baby right now.”

His smile grew as he set off to his PT and you carried on your way to see Lando before the race. There was still over an hour until lights out but every minute had been scheduled for media duties, meet and greets, and the driver parade. You wanted to have a few moments of their time before releasing them to the wild.

Charles’ hand slipped from yours as you reached McLaren and he cradled your cheek before kissing you. “Are you alright to get back on your own?”

You rolled your eyes before looking at the Ferrari space four garages down. “I don’t know, it’s pretty far…I might get lost and end up in the Bellagio.”

“If you do, bet it all on Red for me,” he joked. The smile on his face dimmed as he saw the magician and Carlos waiting for him. “I’ll see you after the race, mamie. Je t’aime.”

“Love you too.”

“And Lando too.” He would have preferred to tell Lando himself but he just ran out of time with all the activities his team had planned for race day.

“I’ll let him know, and I’ll even give him a kiss from you,” you teased as you stole another kiss for good measure.

“Any advice from the current world champion?” he asked as he started to back away.

You shook your head. “It’s Vegas, baby, just give them one hell of a show.”

To say the atmosphere in Ferrari was charged was an understatement. There was resentment for Carlos’ car being destroyed and his mechanics gritted their teeth as they walked to the middle of the grid thanks to the penalties for fixing the car. On the other side of the garage, the side where you sat with Joris, excitement permeated the air as you watched Charles’ walk to his car parked in pole position.

You were torn between that excitement and the sadness that had followed you since leaving McLaren. Lando was being too hard on himself again for the bad luck he had qualifying 15th, but he was determined to make his way to the front of the pack. If anyone was going to be called Spitfire in the race, it was going to be him. He was going to dogfight his way forward from the moment the lights went out.

One of the cameras panned the crowd and you spotted him walking up from his spot three quarters of the way down the grid, all the way to the front where Charles was talking to Max. For a moment you were once again hit with the sense of longing to be out there but the feeling washed away as quick as it came.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Joris asked as he looked up from his phone. You chuckled knowing Charles would have sent the reminder text but you shook your head.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you can tell Charles I am keeping hydrated too,” you said with a smile, shaking your water bottle for him to see.

“You can always trust him to worry more about others, even when he’s meant to be focusing on the race,” he laughed as he sent the reply. “Have you thought any more about where you want to go for the maternity shoot?”

Charles had been eager to lock his friend in as the official bump photographer but there was still another four months until it was the best time to have them taken. He was also open to taking photos while you were in labour but you weren't too sure how you felt about that yet.

“Somewhere warm.”

“So no alpine backdrops then,” he chuckled, probably remembering how much you had complained about hiking in the snow last winter.

You scoffed at the idea, an adamant refusal to it. “Not if you’re expecting me to wear something that shows the bump.”

The action around the garages stilled as the guests on the grid were guided away for the formation lap to begin and you breathed a sigh of relief when Charles made it back to the first box without drama. Even Joris released a nervous laugh beside you.

“That’s a better start,” he murmured so the engineers around him didn’t hear.

“Couldn’t get any worse than the last one,” you replied just as quietly.

You held your breath and felt the same rush of adrenalin fill you as if you were right out there in front of the lights with them. Your fingers twitched at your sides, the muscle memory begging them to prepare for action as each red light appeared, then all five were gone. The keen whines of twenty engines accelerating to their limit screamed into the night and you grinned at the sound even though it was muted by the headset.

“Oh, fuck off, Max,” you screamed as he pushed Charles wide and they both went off track before pulling back on with your brother taking the lead. Suddenly your attention was brought to the back of the pack where multiple cars had been involved in an incident, but Lando had managed to avoid it and slip ahead a few places too. “Come on, baby, you can do it.”

Although there had been a lot of complaints about the showy nature of racing in Las Vegas, there was no denying it was a track that offered a lot of entertainment with long straights to overtake and high risk high reward corners too. You could barely sit still with your eyes glued to the many screens around the garage offering almost every angle of the race.

“Ok, I think this race has just redeemed itself,” you commented with a smile as you watched the battles taking place around the track.

“It is pretty amazing,” Joris said with his own excited grin, but shock fell over him and you snapped your head back to screen dreading seeing Charles out of the race again. But it wasn’t Charles.

Sparks flew as the floor hit the asphalt and your brain couldn’t seem to understand why Lando’s car was facing the wrong way. Still it kept skidding along the straight at full speed, spinning back around just before it collided with the barrier at the end of the runoff. Your breath left your lungs with the force of the collision and your entire body stiffened as your ears began to ring loudly. Your stomach lurched as you desperately hit the keys on the screen to select the driver view and you saw Lando’s shaking hands pull his steering console out.

“I, I need to go,” you whispered as you stood up on weak legs. “Can you tell Charles?”

“Xavi can do that, I’ll walk with you,” he said with a shake of his head. His arm looped with yours and stabilised you as you tried to rush out of the garage. They weren’t even stopping the race because he wasn’t on track and that made you feel even sicker. What if someone else went into the runoff?

“Mr Norris,” Joris called out, waving the worried man down. You blinked as you realised you were already in the McLaren garage, but you couldn’t remember the walk there.

“He’s alright,” Adam assured you as he pulled you into his side and thanked Joris for the escort. “I spoke to him after he got out of the car. They are going to the medical centre. Come on, darling, we can go together.”

“He’s alright?” you double checked, your vision blurring with tears.

Adam gave a sure nod as he started back the way you came, except he went towards the medical centre instead of the other garages. “His ribs hurt but he’s tough.”

Max said that when he was a child he would sleep walk, Vicki too. You imagined this was how they felt. Detached. Moving through darkness. Closing your eyes and waking in a new place. You blinked and the concrete path you were on was suddenly linoleum.

“Lando…” you sighed as you found him on a gurney, white blankets tucked in close around him.

“Heeeey,” he slurred happily, wincing as he snaked a hand out of his swaddle to reach for you. “It’s my girls.”

“You’re on the strong stuff, aren’t you, my love?” You faked a smile for him and took his hand, tilting your head towards Adam and the doctor explaining what was happening. You carefully leaned over the bed and kissed Lando until he broke out in giggles and his head lolled lazily back against the pillow.

“They’re taking him to the hospital for some scans just in case there’s any broken ribs,” Adam relayed when he reached your side and gave Lando a kiss on his forehead. “How are you feeling, son?”

“It hurts to breathe, but this is good,” he said, holding up his hand that was connected to the IV bag filled with strong painkillers.

A nurse came and unlocked the wheels on the gurney before asking who was going to ride in the ambulance with Lando. Adam looked at you and nodded, and though you knew he would have wanted to go with his son himself you were selfish and couldn’t leave his side.

“I’ll follow behind,” Adam promised before Lando was wheeled away.

You walked at Lando’s side out of the medical centre and found tv crews waiting, their cameras zoomed in on Lando and capturing his almost drunken state. A little loopy from the drugs in his system, he waved his fingers at the camera. “This will be on Netflix next year,” he laughed before wincing at the pain that flared. “So it’s safe to tell them, ‘I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!’ and they can’t say a thing.”

Adam froze at his son’s outburst, though it was no secret that he was eager to shout to the world his joy. “Lando…” he growled, looking at your wide eyes.

“What? They aren’t allowed to use the footage for months,” he huffed.

“That’s not Netflix,” you whispered, swallowing the lump in your throat as you watched the tv crew almost tremble with excitement. “That’s Sky TV.”

Click here for the next part.

#charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc imagine #lando norris fanfic #lando norris imagine #lando norris x reader #charles leclerc x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #formula 1 fanfic #formula one imagine #formula one fanfiction #f1 x reader #f1 x y/n #f1 x you

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n3xii · 3 months

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clarity on your manifestation ~ pick a wand

Choose a wand that you feel drawn! today's pick a card will help you gain insight on what you're manifesting from a LOA perspective (law of assumption) What you will get:

-what you need to release

-what you need to know

-what you need to embrace

wand one

what you need to know: nine of wands reversed

manifesting is about persistence- its about prevailing in the mindset that you already have what you want regardless of what you see in front of you. This nine of wands reversed here talks about anxiety and paranoia, you may fear that you won't actually get what you want. you lack the belief in yourself to manifest it. This is mainly a self concept issue- developing the self belief that you can persist and that you are a powerful manifester can greatly benefit you in this time. you need to know that you have actually come very far in your manifestation, and you get further by being consistent.

What you need to release: judgement

Your inner critic and inner pessimist is instilling you with fear. you need to release the instinct to harshly judge yourself and your circumstances just because you don't see what you want yet. Resist the inner critic, show yourself compassion instead. you also need to release the urge to make immediate assements of your reality when you dont see what you want- i feel like this pile struggles to stay in one consistent mindset. a person who has what they want doesnt immediately make an contradicting assumption about their reality, they persist in it.

what you need to embrace: the hermit reversed

You need to embrace the world around you, come out of your shell. Integrate back into your community, family, and social circles. all this time alone, self-isolating and existing in your head might be affecting your mental health in a negative way that snowballs into a negative self concept. You need to embrace that you're just like everyone else, there is no special wisdom to manifesting, there is no special quality to believing in yourself. having faith in your ability to bring about your desires is not exclusive to a few special people, its for everyone willing to persist through old illusions to empower themselves. you got this, you are capable, validate your own inner strength.

Wand Two

What you need to know: the moon reversed

You are in the process of liberating yourself from illusions and projections. When the moon card is in reversed, it tells me that you're no longer unaware of subconscious thoughts and beliefs that might have been holding you back. You have managed to face underlying beliefs head on, and this has helped you clear out lingering doubt, illusions, lies, myths etc.

what you need to release: page of pentacles

The idea that you need to work for a long, grueling time is something you need to release. Do you think elon musk works hard (no) Do you think people at the top do hard work? NO. They're capitalist and they exploit other people to be where they are. the idea that you need to work hard for a long time in order to be successful is a lie capitalist tell you so its easier to exploit you. You can manifest a life of ease, for opportunities to find you, for freedom from capitalistic mindsets.

What you need to embrace: knight of swords

the knight of swords is direct, abrasive, and clear minded. This is someone who knows what they want and they channel all of their mental energy to getting it. You need to embrace this directness, be forward about what you want. be unapologetic. be relentless in your self belief. you need to embrace a mindset that you will get what you want no matter what because you can.

Wand three

What you need to know: two of pentacles

The two of pentacles is an energy of change, specifically adapting to change. Intuitively speaking, i feel that the people who chose this pile are adapting to the change they are trying to make in their lives- you are trying to remain balanced and stable in what you want to manifest. The card depicts someone trying to balance between two things- are you still balancing two realities at once? you cannot walk in two directions at the same time. This is an energy of adapting, you're still in the process of selecting the mindset that you want to persist in without the old story peering into your thoughts. That is completely ok, keep going don't give up.

What you need to release: strength reversed

The strength card in reverse is essentially telling me that you feel as though you do not possess the inner strength and resilience to be persistent. the strength card in reverse is someone who reacts, and doens't have the inner strength to resist against the temptation of reacting to undesired circumstances. Release that negative self concept that you're weak. you are strong enough, you are not your circumstance.

What you need to embrace: knight of pentacles reversed

Ease. You need to embrace ease. manifesting is not hard work, it is not supposed to be taxing on your physical and mental stamina. It doesnt have to be complicated or even slow. etc. Embrace the process, and that it doesnt have to require so much damn work.

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helpimstuckposting · 7 months

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I’m warning y’all now, I think this is my favorite part so far because I have issues

I’m a ghost and you are a shadow

—

“We should call your mom,” Nancy nodded.

“My what?” Steve yelled, startled out of his thoughts. The absolute last thing he wanted was for his parents to come home. Why would Nancy even suggest that? He hadn’t seen his parents in years, and he’d very much like to keep it that way.

The crew all trained their eyes on him once more, confusion clouding their faces.

“Your… your mom?” Nancy questioned, uncertainty seeping in over her once-sure suggestion.

“Nance, I haven’t seen my parents since graduation, why would I call them?��

“Graduation?”

“Haven't seen them?”

“Your dads alive?” Dustin interjected over Nancy and Robin. His heart dropped into his stomach.

Steve… Steve couldn’t even begin to process which piece of information was most shocking. His dad was dead? His mom was… here? Present in his life, in the party’s lives? Enough for Nancy to want to call her at least. His dad was dead?

“I..,” he started, but didn’t actually know what to say. He should be happy his mom was here, right? Or… or sad his dad's gone? But what did it even matter, his dad could be dead in his world, too, for all he knew. But, the knowing was what caught him off-guard.

Instead of finishing his sentence or responding to the party, he pushed himself to his feet and followed the path back outside.

“Nice going, dipshit,” he faintly heard Max say before a smack and an ouch sounded from behind him. He kept going.

The pool wasn’t empty, like he’d left it in his world. He didn’t even notice the first time while trudging past it in the blinding sunlight. Now, he could see the rays of light reflect off the water like sparkles, glittering as if this was any other day, like everything was as it should be. He sat down at the edge, knees drawn up to his chest and watched as a few leaves floated by.

The sun pricked at the skin on his face, and he closed his eyes against the bright daylight. The orange glow behind his eyelids helped to calm his racing thoughts, though there was nowhere else for his mind to really go. So much had happened in just one morning, more than had ever happened when dealing with The Upside Down from his perspective. At least during their most hectic days they were all on the same page, all huddled together to fix something obviously wrong. Now, however overwhelming his excitement at having his family back was, was this really right? Now he was the outsider, he was the thing out of place. But, did he even want to go back to his world? There was nothing there for him.

Nancy, his worlds Nancy, and Jonathan had gone off to separate colleges. The surviving kids were all off at different schools for their senior years, Steve didn’t even know where they planned to go after graduation.

He had tried to go to college. He’d followed his father’s expectations again, tried to sink into a mindless pattern of following tasks, hoping to keep his mind off of everything.

He’d lasted one semester before dropping out. It was all just so exhausting, the world had almost ended and no one even knew. What did calculus matter at that point? He’d spent so long following his father's orders, so long reciting a script he’d been taught since birth. He thought it would be easy to slip back into that routine, follow the script like it’d been waiting for him to return.

It had been fine for a while, he pushed the thoughts to the back of his head, focused on completing assignments and tasks and doing anything to keep his mind on autopilot. But the dreams he couldn’t stop. Every time he’d closed his eyes, he was back there, watching his friends die. His nights were covered in blood and vines, screaming and squealing of bats from above a dried out lake. He wasn’t able to follow the script anymore, enough swigs of alcohol were the only things that kept the nightmares at bay.

He’d had panic attacks when the phone would ring, thinking it may have been his parents to tell him what a failure he was, or worse that they were coming home and he had to pretend everything was normal, put on the act of the perfect son. They never called, though. The panic attacks stopped after a while, the ringing phone drowning out into the background. The calls weren’t usually important. He was alone, trapped in his pristine tower.

But now his father, the Richard Harrington of this world was dead. His mother didn’t have anyone to follow on business trips, no one to keep an eye on to maintain a marriage neither wanted. She was here. Here for the party, here for this world’s Steve.

What would she say when she saw him? Would she be surprised? Happy like the people in the living room? Or would she be suspicious of this new person wearing her sons face? Suspicious like Eddie, who still hadn’t shown his face since the kitchen. Steve figured he was upstairs somewhere, hiding out until Steve was gone.

Or... or even worse, was she exactly like he'd known her to be? Would she hang up the phone, think it was a prank call or that it just didn't concern her? Would he get his hopes up and then have his world crash down once more at the realization that she still didn't care about him?

Every possibility just sucked. The weight on his chest that had lifted since the kitchen was back, pressing incessantly on his lungs, clogging his throat. No matter the outcome, no matter who this world's Linda Harrington was, Steve couldn't see any of this going well. He hoped the crew in the living room hadn't called her yet, wondered if maybe he could convince them not to at all.

He glanced up to the second floor of the house, hoping to catch a glimpse of curly brown hair or a flash of a ripped black t-shirt but the windows remained empty. The blinds to his bedroom window were shut tight and for a moment Steve pictured Eddie sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting anxiously until Steve was gone. He could picture the man’s leg bouncing nervously as he chewed on his nails, boots tap tap tapping gently against the hardwood floors. He could see the band tee and torn jeans a stark contrast against his horrible tan plaid walls. A soft smile tugged at his lips before Steve remembered why Eddie would be nervous in the first place. He wasn’t their Steve. This wasn’t his house. That wasn’t his Eddie.

Just when Steve started to wish he wasn’t alone, Robin made her way out of the back door and Steve felt his eyes prick again. She sat quietly next to him, drawing her own legs up in a mirror to his.

“We didn’t call your mom,” she whispered, before he even opened his mouth. Steve imagined that even in infinite worlds, every Robin could read every Steves' mind. He choked back a sob and buried his face in his knees. Her head rested against his shoulder and they stayed quiet for a few more minutes, just being present in a universe where they were both whole again.

Once Steve had had enough of the silence, felt it cloying around the edges, slinking over his skin like oil, he opened his mouth to speak. He wasn’t sure where he was going with his words or what would come out, he just started to talk.

“When you were little, did you ever go the department store with your mom and just… wonder how long you could hide before she noticed you were missing?” He started.

Robin didn’t nod or speak, just let him continue.

“I did,” he said. “I would hide in the racks of clothes and just… sit there. I’d usually get scared and come out and she wouldn’t say anything or do anything, and I was never sure if she even knew I'd been hiding.

“But, one time I just… stayed. Just to see. I didn’t care if she got mad, I wanted her to get mad or, or scared, or just… anything.”

He didn’t know why he was telling her this. He didn’t want pity or for her to feel bad for him, but once he started talking he just couldn’t stop, like a compulsion. It felt like he was throwing up these words all over the pavement, choking them out of his throat. At least he was telling her this piece of his past, and not something else he'd rather keep hidden for now.

“She left me there,” he whispered. “I don’t know if she did it as a punishment or forgot she even took me, but she was just… gone.”

He felt Robin choking up beside him, like his words were clogging her throat as well.

“She sent the nanny to pick me up.”

“You had a nanny?” Robin cut in, lifting her head off his shoulder. Steve just gave her a blank stare. “Sorry, right, not the point. Continue.” He took in her red rimmed eyes, took comfort in the fact that she was crying for him, though he felt awful for it.

“I was six. I never hid after that. I was too scared that it would happen again. She didn’t cry or yell when she found out I was missing, just sent the nanny and then gave me this… look, when I got back home. Like I was gum on her shoe, like I was an inconvenience.

“Eventually she stopped taking me and just left me at home. And then both of them just… left. Came back every few months just to leave again and after graduation they just stopped coming back at all. Even after the earthquake, they didn’t come back.”

He paused, wrapping an arm around Robin’s shoulders. He just needed to hold something, it was more for his comfort than hers. His emotional support Robin.

“I just,” he trailed off, not really sure where he was meant to be going with this. He just wanted her to know. Wanted someone to know, about him, about this stranger thrust into their lives. He wondered how the other Steve had lived, what his childhood was like. When did he meet Robin? Or Eddie? Did he have friends that Steve never even met in his world? Or was it all the same people?

“I just wouldn’t know what to do if I saw her again, is all,” he muttered in closing. Robin still didn’t say anything, just let them sit and hold each other. He missed this. He missed Robin. He missed having another half of himself, someone who didn’t feel like another person. Whenever they touched it felt like his own skin, like an extension of himself folding together and existing as it should and he hadn’t felt whole in so long.

“We’ve gotta tell her at some point, Stevie,” she said. “She lives here too, and she won’t be gone all day. I’m sure it would freak you both out if she just showed up and saw you.”

Steve nodded. He squeezed her shoulder a little tighter.

“Okay. But can we wait a little bit? Just an hour?”

Robin tucked her head into Steves neck and nodded. “Just an hour.”

—

Oh boy oh boy I really loved writing this one! Hope it’s as satisfying to read ✨

@weirdandabsurd42 @sirsnacksalot @space-invading-pigeon @aliea82 @goodolefashionedloverboi @emly03 @bestwifehaver @mentallyundone @13catastrophic-blues

#stranger things #steve harrington #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #max mayfield #dustin henderson #hurt/comfort #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic #fanfiction #parallel universe au #steddie #stobin #helpimstuckwriting

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zairaalbereo · 10 months

Text

Room for Love — Part 2

Find all pages of Room for Love on tumblr

Read it all on Ao3

And then they were flat mates! 🥳

If you’re wondering how short of a comic this will be: Estimates are at 15+ pages. I have drawn/sketched nine so far. 😳 So thank you to everyone who’s been so encouraging! 💗

#the old guard #tog fanart #room for love comic #tog au #joe/nicky #joe x nicky #kaysanova #yusuf al kaysani #nicolo di genova #artist joe #webcomic #my comic #my art

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seungkwanslowqualityenglish · 4 months

Text

Tangled Hearts

✿ Synopsis: He was your number one rival, after being caught in a compromising position with him, you find yourself in a circumstance where working with him seems to be your only solution. A torn sheet of paper with a list of rules holding both of your signatures, being the only thing connecting you two. Yet, what if you find yourself wishing that paper was not the only thing tying you two together.

✿ Who: Park Jeongson / Jay [Enhypen] & Gender Neutral Reader ✿ Word Count: 19733 Words ✿ Genre: Angst/Fluff ✿ Warnings: Explicit language, forced kissing, kissing, bodily harm, bleeding. ✿ Request: No ✿ Enjoy.

“Read it and weep,” Slipped from your lips, slamming the exactly twenty-nine page report, which has a bright red A plus with a ninety-nine drawn in large letters and circled, onto his desk. “It seems someone didn’t do that well,” Mockingly left your mouth, as he quickly tried to cover the bright red A with a ninety drawn on in it large letters and circled, opting to just shove it into his folder instead of attempting to cover it. “If you need help you could always ask, I’m sure I could find the time in my schedule to tutor the less fortunate.” Was said with false pity lacing each word, nothing more than sarcasms dripping from each word that left your mouth.

Jay was quick to scoff, hiding the papers within his folder, before pushing your report from his desk, wishing you would just turn around at your table, instead of bothering him. “At least I got an A, or did someone forget that B you got yesterday.” He quickly retorted, laughing at the obvious displeasure upon your face, as he brought up the score you had received on your literature essay the day before, an eighty-nine, meanwhile he received a ninety-seven. “If you need help you could always ask, I’m sure I could find the time in my schedule to tutor the less fortunate.” He said, directly mocking what you had just said to him.

“Damn, y'all got nineties?” The person who shared the table with Jay inquired, as they looked between your papers, before looking at his own. “I got a thirty-two.” The voice was quick to add, which a thirty-two was a generous score, seeing how he only wrote about two pages and one of the two was not even on the topic the reports were supposed to be on.

As you stared at the person who dared interrupt your bragging, Jay was doing the same. “Shut up Beomgyu.” Came from both of you at the same time, like some sort of coordinated circus act. Speaking at the same time, Jay and you made eye contact, an obvious look of disgust coming upon both of your faces. “This doesn’t involve you Beomgyu,”

Beomgyu was fast to raise his hands up, symbolizing that he surrenders. “God calm down, I was just saying, I’d kill for a ninety-nine, or even a ninety.”

“Beomgyu, you would probably kill for a seventy, you have like what, a forty-three in this class.” Jay was quick to say, turning his attention to the guy besides him, hoping you would take the hint and leave him alone. Luck however in his favor, since at that exact moment a loud voice was heard clearing at the front of the class, drawing everyone’s attention.

Unable to retort to either of the men, you simply picked up your report, placing it into your folder, before focusing on the professor in front of you. Professor Jung was luckily not one of the hardest professors at your university, however, she did assign the most essays and reports. Today was no different, you had finished a month long report, and here she was ready to assign another report. The only question on your mind, was what would the topic be,

“You all have done various reports and essays for this class so far this semester, so this month’s assignments, you will instead have a month long project. I know, you are disappointed you aren’t getting the monthly report and weekly essays as usual, but instead all your focus will be towards this project, so no reports or essays this month. This project is twenty percent of your grade, so make sure you work diligently, it can really hurt you, or it can really help you. The next two months will be one large project instead of two smaller projects, so remember who your partner is, they will be with you on this project until the end of the semester.” Professor Jung spoke, her eyes shifting towards Beomgyu as she said the last part.

“I will be pulling it up onto the board momentarily, however I have chosen who you will be working with, make sure you get together with who you are paired with a plan out a schedule that will work for you. On our front desk, we have five papers, you will need one of each per group. One paper is a log, you will need to write down the time and date you meet up to work together and sign off on it, you need to meet up at least 5 times, to get full credit for that portion of the rubric. The next paper will vary group to group, they are upside down so you can not look through them; these are what you will be creating and if you need to create it to withstand a certain condition. You should all know we have been discussing urban building, rural building, and natural disasters; these sheets give you a prompt and some have a natural condition, you may be planning and building a kindergarten that can withstand the torrential tornados of the area, you maybe planning how to build a hospital in an area that does not have one for hours around and has extreme winters and summers, or you may be planning and building something that will be contained in the dead space under an elevated highway system. The third sheet is of the required components of your build and your documentation, each of these must be included for you to get full credit on this section. The fourth sheet lets you know what is needed of your models, the minimum and maximum height and size your model can be. The last sheet is a list of questions that should be answered throughout your report. Please do not wait until the last minute to do this project, it is a lot more than you think it will be. Any materials for your builds can be taken from our department storage, however, make sure not to waste them, or take way more than you need.” Professor Jung finished her monologue, opening up the file with the pair's names onto the smartboard of the classroom, before starting to retreat towards her connected office. “Here are the pairs and class is dismissed. Get to work on your projects.” She said, finally entering her office, yet not closing the door behind herself, leaving it wide open for any students that have questions.

Looking down at the paper on your desk, the notebook sheet was filled with perfectly written and spaced notes. You documented everything she said was important, and wrote the main details of the project down. Making sure to make your things up, except for your folder, to put the papers into. Knowing that the professor made your pairs, you could only hope that Beomgyu’s name was not next to your own, since that would mean doing the whole project solo. As you thought about being paired with Beomgyu, a few other classmates names came to mind, Winter, Taehyun, Yuna, and others; each one being just not the best to be paired with, either they were failing or just barely getting by, and you would be damned if you let them ruin your straight A’s in this class. The lowest score you had received from Professor Jung was a ninety-four, and you planned to keep it like that. However, you did not have long to dwell on who you would be working with, as you heard an anguished muffled yell from behind you.

“She has to be joking,” Jay was quick to say, shooting Beomgyu a dirty look, as his seatmate started to laugh, knowing why Jay was so mad. “Don’t even start with me Beomgyu,” He said, the venom dripping from each of his words, causing Beomgyu to immediately shut up.

Beomgyu noticed in his own silence, that you were silent, but also that you were packing your things. “I guess someone’s not as mad as you, maybe they wanted to work with you.” He was quick to say, rising from his seat before poking at your arm, with a laugh. “Am I right?”

Feeling the finger poke at your arm, you moved your arm, staring up at Beomgyu with a look to tell him to stop. “Are you right about what? Why are you looking at me like that?” You asked him, finally deciding to look away from his grinning face, the only thing to look at being the board in the front of the class. “This is a joke right, this has to be fake, no way am I working with him.” You were quick to say, rising with a start, unable to believe what you had just read.

On the board was a list of names, Taehyun and Yuna, Beomgyu and Sakura, Winter and Karina, and right under that sat your name, next to one you would never wish upon even your worst enemy. “No way am I working with Jay,” quickly left your lips, grabbing your bag, you planned to make your way over towards the professor's office, this could not be happening, and you could not be expected to work with him. Hell, you would rather work with Beomgyu, the person whose highest score in the class was a fifty-four, than with Jay.

“Think I want to work with you either sweetheart,” Jay was quick to say, walking past you with ease, making it to the professor's office right before you did.

Beomgyu stood back, enjoying the show, watching as you both stormed into Professor Jung’s office. “You might not want to work together, but it seems she wants you to.” He called out on deaf ears, since neither of you were listening to a single word from anyone, instead being consumed by your anger of the situation.

Walking into the professor's office, she looked up, gesturing to the door. Jay was quick to close the door, given the look in her eyes, you knew she had done this on purpose, and it let you know that you were not going to be successful in getting a partner change. “I can not work with them.” You said, just as Jay did, once again speaking in complete sync. As you had prior, both exchanged a dirty look, shocked that they spoke in sync once more. “I would rather work alone than with them.” Was said, both completely in sync again, causing an amused look from Professor Jung.

“You two are my brightest and best students. I don’t know what is going on between you two, this whole little hate situation, but it needs to end. The architecture business isn’t as large as you may think it is, and both of you, being as bright and excellent as you are, will more than likely be working together once you graduate. You two need to figure out whatever this little problem is between you, sort it out, and work together. You will not be getting separated, you will not be doing this project alone, and you will not just do the work on your own. You have been paired together, so you will be working together as a pair, I will not be changing my mind, this discussion is over, go get started on your project.” Professor Jung was quick to say, ending any argument before it started, not even giving either of you a chance to plead your case.

Leaving her office, you felt dejected, and honestly, Jay felt the same. She dismissed the two of you and did not even allow you to get any words in, instead ending the discussion and sending you on your way. Exiting her office, the classroom was empty, not even Beomgyu hung around to bother the two of you. Leaving the office, there were exactly five sheets of paper left on the table at the front. Grabbing them, you sighed, guessing you would be having to work with Jay, despite how much it hurt you to think of. “Modern art museum surrounded by a garden, no major environmental conditions affect this area.” You read off the paper, just before it was stolen from your hand.

“If you think I trust you with our project’s papers, you are dreaming.” Jay said, starting to shove the papers into his bag. Just wanting to leave this classroom, go to his apartment and forget this ever happened. Being paired with you was the worst thing that could have happened for his day, he would rather work with Beomgyu, or any of the other names on the list of slackers of the class, than you.

Cringing as he shoved them into his backpack, you reached in, grabbing the papers back before he could zip his bag. “You could at least have the common fucking courtesy to not crumble the papers into small balls.” You said, starting to flatten the papers out, before putting them into your own folder. “You know, then maybe we can actually read them, when we need them.”

Jay scoffed, watching as you treated the papers with such gentleness, attempting to fix the crinkles he made in the material. “Whatever you say sweetheart, whatever makes you feel better.” He said, just zipping his bag up before removing his phone from his pocket. “Just give me your number and we can plan when we’ll meet up,” He started, planning to insult you once more, by saying he just could not stand to breath in the same air as you any longer, yet seeing Professor Jung leaving her office, a new stack of papers in her hands, for her next class, he decided not to.

Looking up, seeing his eyes catch onto something, you knew Professor Jung was in the room. Knowing that, you stopped your own arguing, simply just putting the papers into your folder, and your folder into your backpack, before zipping it up. Giving him your number, you found yourself leaving the classroom right after him, the two of you headed in different directions as you headed to lunch. It took not even five minutes for you to receive the first message, ‘this is Jay’, being all it said.

Before you knew it, it was the end of the day, you were on your way to the library, having planned to meet with Jay there after your last class ended. While walking through the various shelving units, you searched each of the tables, looking for the familiar sharply dressed black haired man. He had told you that he would be here after your last class, so you consider that maybe you should have walked with him here, seeing how you had all the same classes. That was how all this started, being the same major, you both took the recommended course loads, and therefore ended up in all the same classes. It being semester three of this, with five more to go, it was only natural that the two top students in each class would begin to compete with one another, being rivals.

Walking through the aisles of the library, each table seemed to be full of students that were not him. In another life you would have been working with anyone else in the class, or better yet your professor would have allowed you to work alone, but instead you were stuck in this life, and stuck with him. Maybe in your other life things went differently, you were the top of your class, no need to compete with Jay for that spot; yet, for every life you were top of class, there was another Jay who was top of class. Throughout your endless search for the male, you were growing tired, where could he be hiding in this library. Rather than just having to search every nook and cranny of the library, you should have made him give you a specific place to meet at, which you would the next time you meet.

This was the first of your five mandatory meetings, and it seemed like it might not even happen. Anger filled your being as the thought that Jay had lied, wasting your time like this, crossed your mind. Getting ready to head back towards the entrance and leave, you found yourself standing at the stairs to the fourth floor, the last floor of the library. Deciding you may as well check it, seeing how you checked all the other floors, you started your way up the stairs. The fourth floor was rarely used by students, one half of the room was full of old books from the archives, while the other half of the room was filled with a variety of children’s books and stories. These archive books were not available to be checked out in the university's library system, but were allowed to be used while on this floor. This part of the floor was usually only used by medical students, using the books that were so heavy they were unable to be removed from the podiums on which they sat, while the other part of the floor was only used by the education majors, selecting books to read to their practicum classes and books for their children’s literature reports. Weaving in and out of the shelving units, even going as far as to glance into empty study rooms that usually remained vacant at this point of the semester, honestly they usually remained empty at every point of the semester, he was nowhere to be seen.

The anger you had felt before ascending the stairs started to return, the fact that he had wasted your time like this, you had been searching throughout the library for almost thirty minutes for him. It angered you how he did this, practically sending you on a wild goose chase for him, when he obviously was not in the library during this time. The only places you had yet to check were the bathrooms, and you were definitely not going to be checking in them. Rounding the corner you exited the tall shelves full of old ancient books, most of which were factually inaccurate at this point, but too costly for the university to dispose of, into a much different scene, tall shelves full of colorful children’s books in a variety of languages. Walking through the first few, you started to hear voices, they were unintelligible from where you stood, but were louder the further you walked. Glancing at the books displaying brightly colored covers with anthropomorphic animals wearing a variety of clothing you thought to yourself, of course I would find Jay in the middle of the children’s section, these books are probably perfectly his reading level.

As you neared the first corner in the children’s section, the voices became a lot louder, it was a female voice, and they were repeatedly whispering, yelling a name. Getting closer you started to recognize what they were saying, it was Jay’s name repeatedly; the girl was saying Jay, Jay Park, Park Jongseong on repeat, like she was trying to call some sort of dog. Immediately turning on your toes, you walked in the opposite direction, not wanting to run into what sort of banshee was a few shelves down calling out for Jay’s name like they were calling a lost dog. Walking directly into the next corner, you found yourself being grabbed by the arm, back pushed against the cold hard deep brown wood of the side of a bookshelf. Immediately you opened your mouth to scream, but instead a hand was quick to cover your mouth, muffling any noise. Looking up, you realized the hand belonged to none other than Jay, as he kept you from making any noise, his eyes staring into yours with a pleading look, begging you to say nothing. With a nod, his hand moved from your mouth, the pleading look stayed in his eyes. “Why they fuck are you hiding up here? What the fuck are you doing?” You whispered to him, trying to move from his grasp, but his hold on you kept you exactly where you were.

As you started to whisper, Jay could only hope that Yujin was unable to hear the two of you, otherwise she would be all over him again in just a minute. “I’m trying to hide from Yujin, so if you could keep it down, once she leaves we can work on our project.” Jay whispered through clenched teeth, trying his best to keep the two of you hidden on the bookshelf edge, hopefully just out of Yujin’s line of sight.

Upon hearing the name slip from his lips, a moment of realization hit you at that name, Yujin. She was a girl you noticed back in the second semester, it was freshman year and she for some reason got obsessed with Beomgyu and some other guys in your classes. Beomgyu was always bragging about how smoking hot she was, that was until she realized Beomgyu’s future was not as bright as Jay’s. She transferred into your architecture classes at the beginning of your second year, but quickly transferred back into her original major, once she realized how hard the classes were. Honestly, she was a joke to everyone in your major, she would attempt to attach herself to any guy that would catch her attention, especially to any major that she felt would be rich. She had her try with the medical majors, none giving her time of day, she then tried to shoot her shot with the computer science guys, but they honestly were mostly too focused on coding to pay attention to her, the engineering guys did not even let her start, and then it was the architecture majors. None of them would let her around them either, Beomgyu being the only exception, and he was honestly the only one of them she did not want.

Knowing her history around the college, how she described herself as majoring in becoming a missus, made the whole situation even more hilarious to you. Yujin, whose whole goal was not to graduate university, but instead to get married to someone that will be rich, seemed to have set her sights on the one and only Park Jongseong. His discomfort brought you joy, it reminded you of a freshman student you had tutored for one of your professors, he thought it was more than just tutoring, swearing he had fallen in love with you, always asking you out and not leaving you alone. “If you aren’t interested in her, just let her know, I’m sure she’d leave you alone after being told.” You mockingly said to him, recalling the exact words Beomgyu had told you last semester, overhearing your complaints about the freshman, Alex, words Jay agreed with at that moment. Yet, in this moment, based on the look he immediately gave you, they were words he did not agree with any longer.

Opening his mouth to respond, he immediately closed it again after hearing the voice getting closer and closer to where you were standing. Yujin’s shrill voice saying Jay on repeat like a broken record. The voice was getting closer and closer, like some twisted version of Marco Polo where only one person calls out, and in this version you definitely did not want to get caught by the one calling out. Jay’s body pressed closer to yours, the voice getting closer and closer.

“Jay, I found you.” Yujin’s voice started to say, finally seeing Jay’s backpack, but luckily not seeing where you stood. She started to make a beeline down the aisle, easily walking as quickly as she could towards the man she had spent the last thirty minutes or so in the search of.

Hearing her footsteps get closer and closer, fear set into Jay, and you were able to see it on his face, knowing good and well that once she was here, Yujin would probably not be leaving him alone. You started to open your mouth, a comment for Yujin loaded, to let her know where he indeed was. The comment however never came.

Jay looked around, trying to find a way out, Yujin getting closer and closer, terrifying him more than anything. As he looked around for a way out, he caught your eyes, keeping eye contact for only a second, he tried to find a way out once more. As Yujin was almost there, he did the unthinkable, bending down he pressed his lips against yours, rendering the both of you frozen for a moment, completely unsure of what just happened.

The two of you just stand there, frozen, letting Yujin see exactly what was going on. Before you knew it a shrill scream was heard, she was shocked at what she saw evident by her voice. “You fucking asshole Jongseong,” She started to scream, “You’ve had a significant other this whole time you asshole, leading me on like I had a chance.” She said, the venom dripping from each word she said. With a huff that sounded more like a muffled scream, she turned on her heel, storming off, leaving the two of you alone, lips pressed against one anothers, and confused as to what just happened.

Once she was out of the area, the two of you finally parted, Jay moving away from you, making sure Yujin was actually gone. As he did that, you were unable to stop your hand from coming up, hitting him square in the chest, causing him to let out a labored breath, before stepping back once more, out of your arm’s reach. “What the fuck was that for Park Jongseong?” You whisper yelled at him, the last thing you wanted to do was attract Yujin’s attention back to where you stood. “I have to disinfect my fucking mouth now” Was muttered under your breath, as you wiped at your mouth with the sleeve of your plaid cardigan.

Stepping back away from you, attempting to dodge another slap that never came, Jay stared at you, his eyes catching the look of disgust that was held in your own eyes. “Sorry, you think I wanted to do that, it was the only thing I could think of to get rid of Yujin. You know how she is, a damn piranha, once she sticks herself on you, she doesn’t leave. I didn’t know what else to do.” He started to ramble, attempting to explain why he did what he just did. As he spoke however, he thought of how Yujin was the campus gossip, if she had not already, soon everyone would know what just happened, who he was kissing, and everything.

“Maybe talk to her, if you aren’t interested in her, just let her know, I’m sure she’d leave you alone after being told.” You said, mocking him once more for the words he agreed with that were once said to you. “Maybe instead of putting your disgusting lips against mine, you could have used your words, and just told her you don’t like her. Maybe spoke up for the whole male population of the school, maybe humbled her a bit, instead of kissing me.” Was said, each word making you angrier and angrier at what he just did. “Do you even know what you just fucking did? Everyone and their mother is going to know what you did, in like thirty minutes. The devil moves fast, but Yujin moves faster, especially when it involves the object of her misguided affection at that moment in time.” You said, what was to happen, finally hitting you. “She’s going to tell every fucking one.”

Jay shakes his head, wanting to do nothing more than forget what had just happened, what he had just done, what he had honestly just started. “Let’s just work on our project, I doubt she’s gonna do much. She’s all bark and no bite. Sure she’ll run her mouth, but who is gonna believe her.” Jay was quick to say, thinking of all the times the two of you have started arguments, knowing there was no way anyone in their right mind would believe Yujin if she said she found the two of you kissing. Honestly, most people would not even believe Yujin if she said she saw you two in a room not arguing, even that would be a stretch.

The anger in your eyes remained, despite his words, since you knew she would talk, and people would listen. Even if they did not believe her words, they would still humor her, they would listen to her talk endlessly about whatever it was, and this week it was yourself and him. “I swear to god, if I have even one person approach me about this bullshit, I will make your life even harder than it already is.” You were quick to threaten him, wanting nothing more than to go home at this point, but knowing you needed to start on your project.

Grabbing your backpack, you were quick to walk towards the isolation rooms in the middle of the floor that separated the children’s section from the archives. Entering one, you left the door cracked, hoping that Jay had the common sense to follow you. Sitting down, you were quick to start unloading your supplies, getting everything from class laid out. Ready to start working on this dumb project with him, knowing the sooner you get started, the faster you can get away from him.

Jay was shocked at what he heard, listening to you threaten him, but he oddly understood why. Watching as you started to blaze a trail, walking away from him, he quickly grabbed his own backpack, walking quickly to follow you. Entering the isolation room after you, he was fast to do the same as you had, spreading out his supplies on the table, getting ready to start the project. Working together, the two of you decided upon some basics of your assignment. Despite having plans to get as much done as you could, the drama with Yujin had delayed your start, leaving little done, before you decided to finish for the night.

Exiting the fourth floor, you found a set of eyes on you, averting your eyes as one of Yujin’s friends caught sight of you and Jay leaving the fourth floor, you just continued walking. Unbeknownst to you, what Yujin had seen was already spreading along campus, especially amongst your circles. It would have been nothing more than hearsay, had it not been accompanied by a photo taken by a Yeji, one of Yujin’s friends who worked in the library, who happened to be monitoring the cameras at that exact moment.

Exiting the library you were quick to realize a short buzz to your phone, opening it up, you saw nothing more than a message from Gaeul, one of your friends. The message said nothing more than ‘Jay? Really?’, alerting you that the mouth of Yujin had started to spread what she saw across campus already, much to your dislike.

Entering class the next day, it was odd, everyone’s eyes were shifting between Jay and yourself, yet none of them said anything. You had hoped that the rumor would just stay between Yujin and her circle, but obviously that wishful thinking had not done you well at all, since it seems everyone knew, even the teachers. Luckily no one said anything, most people were too afraid to speak up knowing how easily the two of you would give other verbal lashings with your words, too intelligent for many to even attempt to say anything. Well, that was until Beomgyu spoke up, once you sat in your seat next to him.

“Enemies to lovers arc, am I right. I totally called it. The chemistry I sensed between you two, I totally know you two were totally hate fucking after class, I just fucking know it.” Beomgyu was quick to say once you sat next to him, Jay was on one side, while you were on the other. “Here let me switch you two seats, so you two lovebirds can sit together.” He said attempting to stand up, before Jay’s hand roughly grabbed his arm, pulling him right back down into his seat. “Oh, I see,” he started, like he was some sort of detective genius, instead of just an annoying classmate and friend. “A lover spat, I see. Probably wanted to keep your relationship on the downlow a bit longer, am I right, that photo Yeji sent around must have made it really hard to do that.”

Ignoring Beomgyu was an art, if you were to be honest. He could be saying anything in the world, and your selective hearing would kick in, and only hear what it wanted to hear that fell from his overactive mouth. Yet, this time, your selective hearing was unneeded, you listened to each word he said, anger starting slowly, until it peaked at the last thing he said. “What photo?” You were quick to ask him, grabbing his arm, your nails digging into his arm as you started to squeeze his arm. “What photo are you talking about Beomgyu?” You repeated, each word getting deeper and deeper, as the anger started to take you over. It was expected that Yujin would run her mouth, telling everyone and anyone that would listen, a photo accompanying her words, that was crazy, there was no one on the fourth floor yesterday except for the three of you.

Beomgyu grimaced, shaking his arm from your grip before grabbing his phone, quickly pulling up the campus drama twitter page that had been created long ago by students that had not enough work to do, and too much free time. “See, this photo.” He said, showing it to you, before showing it to Jay, knowing if you had not seen it, Jay probably had not as well. Holding his phone out, so the three of you could see it, he gazed at the photo. “Who would have guessed my two besties would be caught making out in the library, like naughty, naughty, you couldn’t choose a better place, the children’s section of the library. What if there was a child there? You two would have scarred it for life, imagine looking for Pinkalicious and instead seeing you two sucking face, horrifying.”

Staring at the photo, you found yourself speechless, the anger that was within you found itself slowly being replaced by embarrassment. Not only did the whole campus know about Jay and you kissing, but here there was a photo to prove it. A photo that had not only spread through your department, but the whole campus at this point. Staring at the phone in Beomgyu’s hand, you were unable to stop your eyes from shifting down to the limited comments that were available, each one saying that they either saw this coming, or pointing out the fact you were making out in the library like heathens.

Unable to keep yourself calm, you decided it was best for you to leave. Skipping class was unlike you, but with the feelings that were filling you heart in that moment, you felt it was best, needing to get away, to just have a day off. “I, I’ve got to go.” You quickly muttered to Beomgyu, gathering your items as quickly as you could, before leaving the classroom.

Watching going through whatever turmoil was going on in your mind, Jay found himself caught up in the thoughts going through his mind as well. On one hand, Yujin would leave him alone now, but on the other, everyone thought the two of you were dating. Watching as you stormed out of the class, he was confused for a moment. You were often so strong, always willing to fight, but here you were all but running, and it looked almost as though there were tears pooling in your eyes as you left the classroom. He was quick to stand up, deciding to follow you, after all yesterday he said no one would trust what Yujin said, but he had not bet on her having a friend that was employed at the library and working yesterday afternoon. He ignored Beomgyu’s call to make sure his lover is alright, just wanting to do something he had never wanted to do to you before, apologize.

Leaving the classroom, you were unable to make it far before an arm grasped your own, stopping you where you stood. Coming face to face with no one other than Alex, the younger man stood there, obviously uncomfortable with what he was going to be doing. “Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have come on to you if I knew you had a boyfriend.” He said, almost like all those times he made you uncomfortable would have been okay if you were actually single. His words said one thing for certain, he was only sorry at the thought that he had attempted to come onto another guy's significant other, not that he was actually sorry for making you uncomfortable with his constant advances and appearances. Alex opened his mouth, about to speak more, but seeing someone over your shoulder, he instead closed his mouth, just bowing his head, muttering one last thing before running off. “I’m really sorry.” He muttered, but it was more directed towards the figure behind you, than to you.

From how Alex reacted, you did not need to turn around to know who stood behind you, it was of course Park Jongseong. “What do you want?” You asked, your voice cracking, as you finally turned around, looking him in the eye. You wanted nothing more than to continue running, but seeing how he already followed you this far, you knew he would follow you wherever you left to go.

As Jay’s eyes made contact with yours, he knew he was right, there were tears in your eyes. The person that was always so strong, always willing to fight, stood here in front of him, tears filling their eyes and their voice cracking, breaking. “Um,” He started, suddenly feeling unsure about what he was going to say. He suddenly felt worried, what if what he said made those tears actually start falling, what if he just hurt you worse than you already were. You might have been rivals, but other than in the case of grades, he did not actually want to see you hurting. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, I didn’t know that she had someone that would do that. If I was honest, I didn’t think Yujin would have any friends seeing how insufferable she is, let alone a friend that works at the library.” He said, like it helps somehow, like his apology would make everything better.

Shaking your head, you turned on your heel once more, starting to storm off. The only thought on your mind was getting home as quickly as possible, getting back into the safe walls of your apartment, only there could you forget everything that happened and all about Jongseong. Had you been looking behind you, you would have seen Jay reaching out his hand to grab you, only to clutch at air, as you moved before he could catch your arm. Weaving through the students, you ignored all the stares, especially when you heard the footsteps behind you, only attracting more attention than you had before. Walking faster and faster, you practically ran out of the hall, down the flight of stairs, and then out the front entrance of the building, just needing to get away from all of this, to get away from everyone, to get away from him.

Jay was quick to follow you out, he weaving through the students as you did, walking fast just behind you out of the building. Seeing you rounding the corner, he started to actually run, easily catching up to where you stood, grabbing your arm, yanking you back towards him. “Please, just hear me out.” He started, keeping a hold on your arm as he spoke, knowing the moment he let it go, you would run once again, and he would have to chase you all over again.

You stood there in silence, not wanting to do this now, honestly not wanting to do this ever, but you found yourself turning around, finally deciding to confront this issue. “Hear you out about what? How is it not a total trainwreck that all of our classmates think we are together? How is it not a total violation of my privacy that some photo of you kissing me is spreading around online? How I should be lucky it was you since I obviously couldn’t do any better on my own?” You started to rant, unsure exactly what was coming from your mouth half the time, your brain just taking over, and running on autopilot, words falling out without much of a thought put into them.

Jay shook his head, staring at you, listening to each thing that you said in that moment. “Just hear me out,” He said again, finally getting a nod from you, as you crossed your arms. “I know you think this is the worst thing that could happen, but think of it how I’m seeing it now. Yujin and her crew haven’t bothered me once, since those photos were spread. Think of that freshman, he apologized to you, have any of the other underclassmen been bothering you since those photos started to spread.” He started to explain, as much as he hated to suggest it or look at it this way, he valued not being followed by the girls that only came to college to find a husband even more.

“He didn’t apologize to me, he apologized since he thought he was messing with another man’s significant other.” You told him to start, pausing before continuing. “And yeah, sure, none of the other under or upperclassmen have bothered me since the photo was posted.” Quickly followed after, thinking of how none of the guys that were in your direct messages had messaged you within the last twelve hours.

“I’m just saying, they don't bother me and you aren’t being bothered anymore either.” Jay explained, the idea coming together in his head. “All I’m saying, let them think we are dating. Hell, we could pretend to be dating, that way we can keep our sanity, we keep them away from us, and we don’t have to worry about them bothering us anymore.” Jay suggested, unsure of what he thought this was a great idea, but he enjoyed the space he has gotten since they decided to leave him alone a little too much.

Scoffing at each word he spoke, you found yourself shaking your head, pretending to date, letting them think you are, what kind of world is he living in. “You must be the single stupidest person I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life.” You started, staring at him in disbelief. “Pretend to date, no one would believe that, and that’s possibly the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.”

Listening to you speak, he shook his head, listening to how easily you discredited his idea. “Just think about it. When those pictures spread, all those freshmen that were bothering you stopped, just cold turkey, no longer messaging you anymore. They didn’t even question anything, they saw that photo and just believed it, so I think they would. But, you know if you would rather, we can deny it and I’m sure that one freshman, what was his name, Alec, would have no problem being quick to ask you out again, you know, if you want that.” He explained, seeing how easily they believed a photograph, saying you were dating would probably work just as easily.

The grimace quickly grew onto your face at his words, the mention of Alex finally making your mind think, maybe it is not that bad of an idea. “No, no, don’t.” You started, finally thinking about what he said fully. “But how would we make it believable, no one's gonna just believe it just started or anything, they are gonna want to know details, information, and the backstory.”

“Simple, we just worked out a fake backstory. Like how with our project we need to give our building a backstory, just like that, except it’s us.” Jay started to explain, “And we can just share our favorite things with each other, that way we know some things about each other, so if anyone asks, we know.” He said, nodding at his own idea, knowing it was a great one, but seeing the apprehension on your face, he continued. “We could consider this a project itself, like we are doing a project within our project.” He said.

Nodding your head, as much as you hated the idea of it all, the idea of being left alone seemed too good to resist. “Fine,” You started, before thinking of something that would definitely help this situation. “We need rules if we're gonna do this."

This was how you ended up sitting across from him, surrounded by an empty cafe, two half empty coffee cups on the table, and a notebook with a blue gel pen sitting on top of it. "Rule number one: no catching feelings." You were quick to say, writing it down, before looking up at Jay, seeing him nodding at the text.

“Rule number two; tell no one.” Jay added, seeing an odd look from you, as he spoke. “Don’t lie, I know you’ll tell Gaeul, and you and I both know, she can’t keep her mouth shut for anything.”

Nodding at his words, you quickly wrote it down. “Rule number three: no romantic shit.” You said, starting to write it down, only having the words rule number three down, when Jay’s hand stopped yours from writing.

Jay shook his head, grabbing your hand, stopping you after you had written down what rule you were on. “We have to do some of that romantic shit, as you put it, otherwise people won’t believe it. What about instead of ‘no romantic shit’, you put ‘only romantic shit when around others’.”

Shaking your head, you could not believe what he was saying, but you understood it to an extent. “What about, ‘romantic shit to an extent when others are around?” You proposed, seeing him nod his head, you quickly wrote it down.

“Rule number four: once all of this is over, we go back to hating each other, like none of it ever happened.” Jay suggested, watching as you wrote it down, before seeing you write rule number five, putting don’t fall in love again. “Why list that twice?” He questioned, just to see you shrug at the question. “Really helpful.”

Signing the paper, allowing him to sign it, you folded it, placing it into a pocket in your folder, almost like it was a real contract. “I guess we need to learn some basic things about each other too while we are at it.” You said, finishing your coffee, just before Jay gets up to get himself a new coffee.

That was how your day was spent, going over favorites, creating a backstory, making sure it was believable to others. “So, we hit it off after working together in a class last semester, kept a bit of a situationship before deciding to make it real this semester. We are still super competitive, but we don’t hate each other. Your favorite color is purple. You play the piano and guitar. Your favorite season is autumn. You enjoy cooking and playing video games.” You said, listing off the things you came up with, how you started to date, facts about him, and Jay did the same for you. As the cafe started to get more crowded, you realized how it was nearing noon, nearing the time that more and more students would be getting out. Noticing this, you decided to call it good for the day, allowing tomorrow to be your first official day dating.

"Hold my hand you dumbass." Was muttering under your breath, you attempting to slot your hand into Jay’s, as the two of you walked to class. The both of you slightly shivered as your hands finally intertwined, but luckily was invisible to the student eye, they instead saw a sweet couple walking hand in hand to class.

Jay had to resist the urge to grimace as his fingers intertwined with yours. “Your hand is sweaty.” He muttered under his breath, just loud enough you could hear it, but no others.

“And your hand is clammy.” You retorted back to him, allowing him to hold the door open, the two of you walking through the halls of the building your classes were in. Making your way to your classroom, you could tell other’s eyes were on you, but you honestly did not care, just happy at how the few underclassmen you had chasing you, were finally leaving you alone.

Entering the class, luckily it was empty, except for one person. One person who never comes early, but he could not resist the urge to see his favorite couple this early in the morning. “Oh, look at the lovebirds, even so enamored this early in the morning.” Beomgyu was quick to yell. Walking closer, you noticed that he had moved over into Jay’s seat, leaving his seat empty to allow Jay and yourself to sit together. “My favorite couple, making my heart swell with joy, I feel like cupid.” He started to ramble, running his mouth like he did shit in getting the two of you together.

Sitting down, Jay followed quickly after, seated next to you. The two of you grabbed your things out, getting ready for class to start. At some point both of you were just ignoring Beomgyu, he was talking like he was a relationship god for getting you two together. Only hearing the odd word from him, you were able to put together that he was talking about starting a company, a dating company, getting paid to pair couples together, since he was the human version of cupid.

You were ignoring him, until he started directly talking to you once more. “I’m just saying, I’m like a godly matchmaker, like if it wasn’t for me manifesting, you two wouldn’t be together. Like I manifested this, I could charge others and become a millionaire, you two being my first and favorite success story.” Beomgyu rambled on, like he had any part in this at all.

“Shut up, Beomgyu.” You were quick to tell him, having enough of this constantly rambling and talking. Holding his hands up, Beomgyu leaned back in his chair, causing you to ball your first, almost like you were planning on taking a swing at him. Shifting, Beomgyu was quick to lean as far back as he could, knowing you would not hit him, but not taking any chances. Jay was quick to catch your hand in his own, unfurling your curled fingers, and intertwining your hands. Starting to pull your hand out of his, a look of disgust almost coming over your face, you noticed the odd look from Beomgyu as he saw you moving, then the look upon Jay’s face, that made you just stop moving in all, staying still just accepting your fate. Staring down at your notebook on your desk, you slowly let out the breath you were holding out, trying to calm yourself. The last thing you needed to do was something stupid, since you knew if Beomgyu knew the truth, everyone on campus would within a matter of minutes.

Beomgyu was quick to make a soft noise, staring at the couple in front of his eyes. “Aw, don’t be shy, you two can hold hands in front of me, no need to be shy.” He started, thinking your reaction was shyness from him being there. “I am basically like your fairy godfather, so it’s okay, hold hands, sit together, kiss, it’s all good. I wish I was in love, seeing you two makes me want someone of my own.” Beomgyu started to talk again, going off topic with ease, going on and on about how he wants someone, how he actually thought Yujin was pretty hot, but she said he was not smart enough for her.

At some point, you were unable to hear Beomgyu anymore, the only thing on your mind being how Jongseong’s thumb was drawing small circles on your palm, just barely grazing the surface of your hand without a single thought. Despite the desire to rip your hand from his grasp, you knew what it would look like to the others, and the need to push the idea of this relationship, freed you from more things than you would gain from denying it. Since the rumor started there were no more weird guys in your direct messages suggesting tutoring sessions, that they hoped would turn into more. Jay was noticing something similar, since Yujin started the rumor, no longer did he receive the lingering stare of the single girls in the class, nor did he receive the whole spiel about how he was so handsome and so smart and they would like to go out with him. Despite the pain of the situation, the pros were outweighing the cons at this moment.

It was not long before your professor entered the classroom, her presence bringing all conversations to a stop as she started to teach. Only then did you let your hand drop from his, taking notes and making sure you document everything she said of importance. It felt odd, sitting in class next to Jay without the desire to argue with him, but honestly pretending to be with him was doing you more good than arguing with him would. The freedom you felt in this moment was nice, you were able to focus on the lecture and work, without the thoughts lingering in your head of the guys that would usually bother you within your social media.

Class ended at exactly the moment the video the professor was playing ended, she had her presentation timed down to the minute for the most efficiency. Placing your items into your bag, you went to stand up, only to be met by Jay grabbing your bag from you, swinging it over his shoulder. Watching as your bag landed on top of his backpack, you had to stop yourself from physically recoiling at the action. The rational part of your brain begged you to rip the purple strap of your bag from his hand, telling you to carry it yourself, but seeing how you had already frozen at his actions, you tried to just push on. Finally standing, you followed him out of the classroom, luckily, or rather unluckily you had your next class with him; you actually had all your classes with him, the fun of being the same major with identical course loads.

Walking besides him, fingers became intertwined, as your shoulders bumped together. Throughout the halls, you finally met a dead zone, no one being anywhere near the two of you, and the classes in that hall still being in session for a while more. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t carry your stuff?” Jay was quick to whisper around your ear, seeing him glancing at you from the corner of his eye.

Nodding, you found yourself understanding why he took it, but part of you wished he had not. “I have to disinfect it now since you’ve touched it.” Was all you replied back, continuing to walk alongside him. During this time, you thought about what led you to be in this situation, and how it seemed like the plot line of some b-rated drama. If anyone would have told you that you would be walking hand in hand with the person you considered your worst enemy, your biggest competition, Park Jongseong, you would have laughed in their face, and gone on with the rest of your day. Yet, despite the impossibility of that statement only a week ago, here you were doing just that. Finger intertwined, shoulders bumping together, with your bag slung over his shoulder, the two of you being a picture of a perfect college relationship, the kind of thing you would see a photo of on the instagram of someone who peaked in high school, yet thinks them and their significant other are the it couple of the campus.

Jay said nothing, just a slight laughing slipping through his lips, as he heard what you said. The rest of the walk was silent, until he opened the door to the next class for you. “After you,” he muttered as you walked past him, as he held the door open for you. The two of you quickly found your seats, placing your backpack on your table, before taking his seat behind you.

The silence of you two being the first in the classroom however did not last, as Beomgyu entered the classroom, taking his usual seat beside you. Class started without fail, and leaving class was just as it was before. That was how your day went from then on, Jay carrying your bag as the two of you walked hand in hand towards your next class. Having all the same classes made it irritating, as you had no chance to get away from him, or have any bit of freedom without him being around. Beomgyu sitting near the two of you in each class made it even more insufferable, as he talked about being a fairy godfather and how he was a top tier matchmaker, when he did not match shit.

This routine became a standard for the upcoming days and weeks. Like clockwork, Jay would be waiting outside your apartment building, the two of you would walk from the apartments to the architecture building. You would walk to class, and then after class you would walk to your next, this would repeat until the end of the day, when Jay would walk you back to the apartments. Each day he carried your bag without fail, you even stopped making jokes about disinfecting your bag, each time he touched it. It felt odd letting him do it, he carried your bag with little complaint, not even your actual boyfriends had done that, each having some sort of complaint about the weight of your books, the size of your bag, and what was in it. Instead, Jay carried it without word, even when the two of you would meet up to work on your project, he carried it, even when you knew no one around went to the college, or knew who you were. He was being a better fake boyfriend than your real boyfriends had been boyfriends. It was irritating to think of how someone you hate, was somewhat treating you better than someone who claimed to love you. Despite the cute acts, the two of you still exchanged harsh words, academic arguments happened over rushed whispers, others thinking it was a loving couple exchanging sweet nothings and compliments, when instead it was really bragging about grades and competencies, pointing out each other’s flaws in detail, and letting one another know about failures and disappointments that the other brought about.

Even as you met the requirement for meeting for your project, the fake dating continued, soon branching from just being while class was in session, to when around campus, and eventually when off campus as well. Lunch meetings, you refused to call them dates, became a regular occurrence; as did dinner meetings, and shopping meetings. The two of you genuinely looked like a perfectly put together couple, unknown to anyone that within the idyllic fantasy was two people who were practically strangers putting on the performance of their lives. This was how you ended up here, at a party.

You were never one for parties, preferring a small close knit party to a large frat rager. Yet, Jay having to attend these frequently, thanks to his friends Heeseung and Jake, brought up how odd it appeared for him to show up alone, and he could only say you were sick so many times, before the boys would start questioning things. This was how you ended up here, holding a half empty cup, Jay had sworn it was water, but part of you had yet to pull together the desire to test whether it was water or vodka. You were standing near Jay, his arm wrapped loosely around your waist, as he chatted away with his friends. As he noticed you standing uncomfortable, he shifted the two of you, and his conversation around, moving towards the open sofa and recliner in the living room of the frat house.

As Jay took a seat, he noticed you going to sit besides him, immediately stopping you. "Don't worry darling, you can sit on my lap.” Jay said aloud, pulling you into his lap in one harsh movement. “Gotta sell this to the people don't we?” He softly muttered in your ear, knowing that you and only you were able to hear that. Yet, it was true, it would be odd if the ‘oh so in love’ couple were sitting apart. It would lead to rumors, is there trouble in paradise, was paradise nonexistent, is the couple no longer a couple. These rumors would open the idea of too many things, most that would not bode well for either of you, so it was easier to pretend to be a cute in love couple, than be truthful.

Leaning back, you felt comfortable in his lap, despite every part of your rational brain telling you to stand up, get away from him, to not think he was comfortable to rest against. The smell of his cologne filled your nostrils, it was a warm and comforting scent, and you hated it, you should not like it, and it should not have grown comfortable to you. As the night drew on, you found yourself getting cold, having not dressed properly for the frat party, you had no jacket or coat to keep you warm. As Heeseung and Jake left to refill their cups, "I want your hoodie... to sell the dating lie,” You told him, turning around, to look him in the face, knowing that it was honestly only partially a lie, you were cold and it would sell the dating lie, but you also wanted it since it smelled like his cologne, a scent you had grown to like, a scent that you should buy your future boyfriend, once this whole situation is over.

“Next time dress properly,” Jay was first to say, almost like a mother scolding her child for not wearing a jacket when going outside in the cold weather. Yet, despite this, he easily slipped it off, helping you to slip it on over your head, and straightening it once you had it on. As he did this, one of the nearby drunk girls started to fawn over the two of you, her friend dragging her away as he lamented about how no guy would ever do that for her.

The peace from Jay’s friends leaving was waning, as someone even more annoying showed up, Beomgyu. Sober Beomgyu was annoying as hell, so you could only imagine what sort of level of hell drunk Beomgyu would unlock, and you were not prepared for it, whatever it was. Beomgyu was quick to sit besides the two of you, he was practically sitting on Jay’s lap almost, as he tried to get closer and closer to the two of you. “Lookie here, it’s my favorite couple.” He started, each of the words slurred, and his speech drawn out. “You two little love birds, I love you both so fucking much.” He continued on, watching as the two of you looked at each other, the eye contact you shared being enough to egg him on further. “Oh, no, don’t let me interrupt this little lovers moment. You two just do your little lovers thing. I see you eyeing each other, you two can kiss in front of me, you can also do more, I wouldn’t judge, my sweet little love birds.” Beomgyu continued on, encouraging the two of you to kiss, at some point, he stopped talking, just staring, encouraging, almost as though he was waiting for it.

Despite how badly you wanted Beomgyu to leave the two of you alone, it seemed in his drunken state, the only thing that would get him to leave was the two of you doing exactly what he wanted, the two of you kissing. Despite your unspoken pleas and prayers, he did not leave, and instead you found yourself turning to Jay, unsure of what to say, yet, luckily Jay spoke instead. “I don’t think he’ll go until we kiss, just play along.” He whispered into your ear, receiving a short nod, before his lips were on yours.

The kiss was more intense than the one you shared before, the one that started this whole mess, it was no longer just his lips pressed against yours, but yours were reciprocating. As your lips moved against each other, Beomgyu let a single gasp slip, he was absolutely enraptured in what the two of you were doing. As he reacted like a shocked movie goer, you felt Jay’s lips moving around, from your lips to your chin, but you found yourself unable to tell him to stop. Beomgyu’s gasp simply encouraged Jay’s actions, as he started to kiss along your neck, making his way down your throat. Eventually stopping at one specific spot, starting to suck along it, as your hands made their way into his hair. Tugging at the strands of hair, Beomgyu was not the only one caught up in the actions between you and your fake boyfriend, yells from Jay’s friends soon caught your attention, and at that he finally parted from your neck.

Resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the redness that was overtaking your face, you watched as the drunk spectators all went on. Beomgyu back to the kitchen for another drink, while Jake dragged Heeseung with him onto the dance floor. "Do you think they bought the act?" Came out as a breathless whisper, as you still tried to catch and retain a stable breath.

"While I kissed you down your throat? They definitely did, honey." Jay was quick to whisper back in your ear. His words were stable and steady, he was not as out of breath as you were after that, despite him being the one who did most of the action.

As he spoke, only one thing came to mind,“This doesn’t change anything between us.” You were quick to whisper into his ear, wanting to make sure to establish a boundary, a line, that no matter how many times you may have to do this, it changes nothing. He is your fake boyfriend, you are his fake significant other, and that is all you are to each other. Your words were more for yourself than him, a reminder to yourself, since you were finding yourself able to bear his presence. A presence you honestly would have only weeks ago hated being around.

Sensing a shift in the mood, Jay was quickly to get you standing, before he led you towards the roof. Finally getting away from everyone, you felt the freedom to be yourself, as did he. Yet, somehow instead of staying apart on opposite ends of the roof, you found yourself standing next to him. Staring up at the stars, the night sky was gorgeous when the common light pollution from the surrounding buildings was not obscuring it.

The silence with him was oddly comforting. Just the two of you, the cool breeze, the scent of his cologne in the air, and billions of stars illuminating the contours of each other’s faces. It was not long before Jay’s voice broke the silence, he started to point out different stars, different constellations, and explain some of them to you. It was odd, in the two years of classes you had with him, you would have never guessed he had a secret love for astronomy. Yet, you were not complaining, your eyes just following his pointing, observing the stars as he pointed out everything. “I would have never guessed you loved astronomy.” Was muttered, just barely heard by Jay.

Shifting his hand from one star to the next, he heard your words, just barely audible over the sound of the rushing wind. “Did you ever care to ask?” He murmured back to you, allowing the topic to drop, as he continued to tell you more about constellations. “There are also some we can’t see without a telescope, like the Perseus and Andromeda constellations.” He started, shifting so he was laying against the roof, tugging your sleeve, pulling you down with him, before he continued. “Princess Andromeda was the daughter of Queen Cassiopeia, she was very beautiful, so beautiful that the Queen proclaimed her more beautiful than Poseidon’s daughters. Poseidon, not liking that, decided to punish them, sending a sea monster, Andromeda’s own father, King Cepheus thought that if they sacrificed her, the sea monster would go away. However, before the sea monster could devour her, Perseus saw her, falling in love with her at first sight. An agreement was made, he would kill the sea monster, and in turn would have her hand in marriage. Yet, she had already been promised to another man, he fought for her and won, then boom happily ever after.” He told you, unbeknownst to you, it was his favorite constellation and story, it was one that had loved since the moment his mother told him the story when he was young. His mother had a love of astronomy as well, teaching him everything she knew, his own favorite constellation, being hers as well.

Laying on the ground, Jay’s arm around your shoulders, keeping your head from resting on the dirty ground. Despite the chill of the wind, it felt comfortable, you felt comfortable, he was oddly comforting as he spoke about the constellations. It was interesting, you could tell when it was one he liked, he spoke with more conviction, with more joy, he enjoyed the topic more, than he did when talking about the generic ones he did not like as much. Your head rested on his shoulder, eyes still staring straight up, captivated by the twinkling and shining stars above your head. So many thoughts came to mind as you observed the stars, yet, none of them slipped past your lips, instead you enjoyed the silence, enjoying the moments before you would return to the party.

It was Jay who broke the silence, his voice soft, you barely heard him, and even then, you still think you misheard him. “You think we’ll end up falling in love.” The words were quiet, not even entirely audible, but he honestly did not care if you heard him, nor did you care whether you heard him properly.

At his words, you found yourself getting up quickly, reaching a hand out to him, to help him up. “I think we should go.” You were hastily saying, wanting to get out of here. The ideas flooding your mind were not welcome, and after spending the day with him, you just wanted to be all alone to suffer with the thoughts going on in your mind.

Instead of standing, he just stared at you, the stars illuminating the area behind you, broadcasting you like some sort of beauty, but he could only wish it was someone he actually loved standing in front of him, not you. It took a few moments before Jay stood, the two of you making your way out of the party, ignoring the calls and yells from his friends and Beomgyu. Leaving the party, a sudden wave of fatigue hit you, Jay walked you to your apartment, before leaving to go to his own.

As you found yourself falling into your bed, the thoughts of what had happened tonight flooded your mind. The thoughts flowing through your mind at lightning speed, before you eventually found yourself lulled to sleep.

After that night, you found yourself oddly enough getting closer and closer to the male, becoming accustomed to his presence, feeling uncomfortable when not around him, it was almost like you were really dating. It was just like a friendship was being formed,or something, you were unsure what exactly it was. No longer did your time alone consist of bickering constantly, but instead it was filled with actual conversation, sharing interest, and more than just bragging and arguing.

This was how you ended up with him sitting at your kitchen table on this Sunday afternoon. You two may have already met the requirement for in person meetings for your project, but the desire to go above and beyond by both of you, made that requirement nothing more than a simple number. Both of you had easily gone over that number, sometimes even meeting twice in one day to work on the project, both destined to get the highest score possible on this assignment. It was on this day that you were working on the display aspect of your project.

Two days prior both of you had raided the supply closet, taking just exactly what you needed for your display, to make the perfect model of a modern art museum and the surrounding garden. Jay sat trimming down little fake bushes, starting to create the outline of the garden, while you sat attempting to open another package of fake plants. The utility knife you were using made quick work of the thick tape keeping the package closed, but it also made quick work of your hand, slicing your palm as you made a quick downward movement, not closing the blade quick enough. A pained gasp came from your mouth, as you dropped the knife, it closed before hitting the floor with a sound. Trying to hold your hand, attempting to stop the bleeding, the action was caught by the person sitting across from you.

"Why did you hurt yourself?" Jay was quick to say, his body moving around the table towards you with speed. He quickly grabbed your hand, the napkins on the table from your midwork snack, quickly being pressed against the wound, as he tried to stop the bleeding.

Watching as Jay tended to your injury, you found yourself trying to tug your hand out of his. “It’s not that bad.” Was what you said first, but he did not listen to you in any capacity, just continuing to apply pressure to the cut. "None of your-"

Jay’s grip on your hand did not leave, he instead started to steer you towards the sink in your kitchen. Luckily it was only a few feet from the kitchen table that you two were seated at working. "Yeah, then fuck you. My bad for caring." He said without much thought, starting the sink, allowing the water to stream out. Removing the napkins, he pulled your hand under the water starting to wash out the cut, while seeing how deeply you had injured yourself.

"For an asshole, you make a pretty good boyfriend." fell from your lips as he cleaned the injury out. Taking care of you like someone who genuinely cared for you would. It was odd, no one was here to see his actions, but he still gently tended to you, cleaning out the cut before starting to get ready to bandage up your hand, once you pointed him towards the first aid kit you kept in the kitchen.

As he made sure you would not bleed out on your floor, he finally released your hand, leaning against the counter of your kitchen, looking at you, before grabbing the kit. “I could say the same about you.” Jay was honestly a bit surprised at how well this had been working, how easily you two played the part, your Oscar worthy performances tricking everyone around you.

You would never admit it, it would hurt your ego and probably inflate his, but sometimes you wished it was not fake. The enjoyment of being around him, how he genuinely listened to you and gingerly treated you, he was a better boyfriend than your actual ex boyfriends were. You found yourself wishing when he would kiss your cheek, that he was doing it out of love, not because Yujin was staring. You found yourself wishing when he was carrying your backpack to and from class, that it was actually because he was your boyfriend, not because he was just playing the part. It hurt sometimes, hearing the comments from others about how perfectly matched the two of you were. Both overachievers, getting degrees in architecture, and a desire to be top of the class; so many similarities, of course the two of them would fall in love, but you genuinely wished that look of love others claimed to see was real.

Resting against the counter, you sat on the marble tile as he started to bandage your hand. When it started, holding his hand felt like nothing, you could only feel how sweaty and clammy his hand was, but as the days turned to weeks, it felt more comforting, almost like maybe it was where your hand belonged. You would never admit it to him, the thought that you felt maybe you were falling for him, maybe you were no longer feeling that hatred and pain you once felt for and around him, but instead you felt a slight tinge of joy when walking hand in hand with him, when seeing his face seated next to you in class. Sometimes you even find yourself getting lost while thinking of the idea of his face, the idea of his lips against yours once again, the idea of this all coming to end sometimes soon and the pain you would hold afterwards.

It was not long before Jay had finished tending to your hand. “And there you go.” he muttered, before helping you down from the counter where you sat. His hands felt natural around your waist, as he picked you up before putting you back down. You enjoyed the feeling far too much, way more than you should. You should hate the idea of his hands on you, the idea of his arms wrapping around your waist and holding you close, but you did not, you could not even if you tried.

You were the one who so vehemently demanded the to add the rule about not falling in love, so passionate about it, you added it twice, it being rule number one and number five on the singular piece of paper that bound the two of you together. You just wanted to say fuck the rules, fuck the paper, and fuck the feelings you were having. Weeks ago you would have thought your dazzling personality would enrapture this man enough to fall in love with you, someone he would never have. But instead, here you were the one breaking your own rule, finding yourself falling in love with someone you would never have, since one day all this would be over, you would say the contract is finished, and he would go happily upon his way, and you would do the same. Yet, he would be a lot happier seeing this end, than you would be.

Sitting back down, Jay took the packages, instead handing you the ones that were already open. “So that doesn’t happen again.” He explained, starting to empty the boxes so you can work on the project without the risk of injuring yourself again.

The project was one that was simple enough to complete, the museum had already been built from foam, and all you had to do was arrange it and the garden. The afternoon quickly turned into evening, and soon you were putting the finishing touches onto the display, and it was ready to be presented to your professor. Having already completed all the written work, it meant that your project for this money was complete. You may have hated it to start, but you were thankful that partners were for the rest of the semester, not just this project, since at least it meant you had two more months to enjoy this treatment, to enjoy being with Jay, before it would all probably come to an end.

As Jay placed the display on the island of your kitchen counter, it was odd, there was a knock at the door. You were in the midst of putting everything up, about to tell him to grab his stuff so he could leave. Moving away from the table, you did not even make it to the door before it flew open. Standing there was your mother, a person who had your spare key against your better judgment.

“My baby,” The older woman said, kicking her shoes off with speed, before crossing the few feet that separated the two of you, pulling you into a hug. At that action, you were unable to move, just letting her hug you as much as she wished. After a moment, she finally released you, looking around, a gasp slipping out of her mouth with ease, as she sees Jay’s shoes sitting on the ground by your shoes. “You have someone over?” She was quick to ask, just as Jay exited the kitchen, coming to look for you.

The scene was an odd one, your mother fawning over Jay, just assuming he was your boyfriend without much word from you. “This must be the young man that Beomgyu set you up with.” Your mother said, but you were stunned at her words, unable to speak. “He’s such a lovely young man, he told his mother all about how he was playing matchmaker and set you up with such an amazing young man. His mother told me all about it at our monthly hair appointment.”

Honestly, you should have expected that much, Beomgyu did believe he was some sort of relationship god and that he manifested the relationship between Jay and yourself. You also should have expected your mother to find out about it sooner or later, after all she was best friends with Beomgyu’s mom, that being a large reason why you were somewhat friends with the odd person. Sheer panic set in, you wondering just what he had told his mother, and just how she twisted those words in telling your own mother.

Jay was oddly able to sense the stress you felt from this situation, and reacted accordingly. Seeing the woman that he overheard call you their baby, he assumed this was your mother, and seeing how she seemed to know about the fake relationship, he acted accordingly. “Yes, I’m Jay, their boyfriend.” He said with ease, walking closer, sticking out his hand to your mother, however your mother was quick to pull him into a hug, squeezing him just as she did to you.

“Oh, if I knew you were here with your boyfriend, I would have come on a different day to visit you.” Your mother started, finally letting Jay go, acting as though she would have come another day, when you know she really would have come today, just probably at an earlier time. “I was going to take you out to dinner, but I may as well just take you both, my little love birds.” She said, as she eyed the two of you, going as far as to send a wink your way. You knew from that alone that you were in for an earful later, she was probably never going to shut up about how handsome and polite he was, or about how he was nicer in the five minutes she knew him than your ex’s were.

Jay was quick to shake his head, starting to refuse the offer, starting to come up with some lie so that he could leave, but seeing the look on your mother’s face, he knew it would not work. “Um, sure, why not. I have no objections, Mrs.” He said, his hand slipping into yours with ease, watching as you nodded your head.

Your mother was quick to notice his action, a smile quickly coming upon her face. “Oh goody, come on children,” She started, turning on her heel to go towards the door once more, “and don’t call me Mrs. just call me mom,” she added, conveniently stopping herself from saying since she’d be his mother in law soon, despite how badly she wanted to, slipping her shoes back on before opening the door. “Let’s go, mimosas wait for no one.” She said, stepping out of the apartment, waiting on the two of you.

This was how you ended up sitting next to Jay, while your mother sat across from you, leading the conversation. She went on and on about what she was doing in life, her job and everything, especially mentioning everything she had heard from Beomgyu’s own mother about his matchmaking abilities. She then turned the conversation onto Jay, doing her best to get the ‘get to know the parents’ conversation out of the way. He spoke with her with ease, it made you slightly saddened watching the two of them speak, she was getting along better with Jay than she had any of your other ex’s, and this was not even a real relationship for this level of attention. When you agreed to fake date Jay, you never thought that it would lead to the two of you having a nice dinner with your mother, and it was oddly going great.

As the three of you started to wrap everything up, Jay excused himself for a moment. During this time, your mother wasted no time starting to talk. “Oh my gosh, he’s so nice and polite. You really picked a good one this time, unlike your ex’s. He’s so handsome too, like oh my I’m going to have to tell Beomgyu’s mom all about this, she’ll be so proud her little boy set you up with such an amazing man. And you two are the same major and all, and he’s just as passionate about it as you are. I just think it’s a match made in heaven.” Your mother rambled, she honestly would have continued, had it not been for her seeing Jay on his way back to the table. Sending a quick wink to you, she stood, and you followed, the three of you making your way back towards your apartment after she paid.

"I'm pretty sure my mom likes you way more than any of my actual partners." Was the first thing out of your mouth, once Jay and yourself were safely within the confines of your apartment. It was honestly ridiculous, the first one of your boyfriends that your mom likes, is the one that is not really your boyfriend. Every other one she had some sort of complaint about, he was too work oriented, he was too controlling, he was lazy, he was uncaring, he was rude. But she had not a complaint for Jay, instead she spilled out compliments, he is committed to his school work, he is passionate about architecture, he is kind, he is polite, and he is handsome.

To your dislike, laughter was all you heard from Jay for a moment. “I guessed that,” he said through his laughter. “The way she couldn’t even wait until I was out of earshot, before she started talking. What was it she said again? ‘Oh, he’s so handsome and polite, unlike your usual boyfriends’.” He said, recalling the exact words your mother had said only minutes prior to the three of you leaving the restaurant.

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” You muttered, walking through the living room, you found yourself sitting on your sofa. The scene felt too comfortable, like the man in front of you was not someone you would have argued with and yelled at only weeks prior. The comfortable feeling you gained around Jay was not on your list of things that might happen, it was not even anywhere near the list. Repeating the mantra in your head, you were the one after all that added ‘no catching feelings’ to the list, not just once, but twice.

Jay laughed at your words, still in the process of removing his own shoes, just as you had. “Oh, don’t worry, I will.” He jokingly said, following you without a word into the living room. He went to sit beside you, the tone in the room completely shifting, he watched as you shot up, sitting straight, causing him to look around, remembering where was. He was not with his friends, he was at your apartment, and he needed to leave. “I think I’ll head out.”

“I think you should go.” You spoke at the exact same time as he did, both seeming to realize where you were, the tone of the room was no longer jovial and happy, it was awkward and unsure. You were unsure of whether you wanted to really go, but you had already spoken, already told him to leave. You were also unsure how he would react if you asked him to stay, would he say no and leave or would he laugh in your face, or maybe he would catch on and make fun of you for possibly breaking one of the few rules you had outlined for this.

Jay was quick to nod his head, bag in his hand, and he was out your door before you could think of anything else. Standing up, you were fast to follow him, closing the door behind him, locking it, before leaning against it. Staring at the beige wall across from the door, you tried to compose yourself, but failed. Back against the door, slumping down, you found yourself sitting on the floor. Soon your hands were covering your face, soft sobs coming from your mouth as the events of today and the past few weeks finally fully started to be interpreted in your mind. The soft sobs quickly turned to full sobs, your shirt becoming tear soaked quickly, unable to stop the tears from falling.

The thoughts of the feelings you felt holding his hand, kissing him on the cheek, him kissing your cheek, it was all too much. He would carry your bag, he would always wrap an arm around you, he would walk you to and from classes, even carrying your stuff when you would work at the cafe or library instead of letting you. It was too real, it felt too real, you wanted it to be real. The realization that you never really hated him, was a tough one. You two were always nothing more than rivals, encouraging each other to do better, to get higher scores, to try to outdo the other. He was so much like you, you had the same passion for your chosen field, enjoyed all the paperwork and crafting, and had the same desire to be the best. This whole situation was not something you would have thought would happen, you were usually happily fine just competing with him, not having to be around him except in class. Yet, finally admitting to yourself what you felt was difficult, but the worst part was knowing he did not and would not feel the same. Your mother loved him, you felt like at some point you would love him as well, but he would never love you.

Hands intertwined, you found yourself being walked from class to the library, once again the two of you meeting to make sure your project was finalized. If the events of the past few months were odd, no longer were you arguing and yelling, instead the conversations consisted of teasing and light bickering. No longer did the two physically cringe when your hands met, instead you silently reveled in the feeling, how his hand enveloped yours and felt within your grasp. Enjoying how he would lead you around the campus with ease, hands intertwined, swinging to and fro as you walked side by side.

The end of the semester was coming, and you thought that it would mean the end of whatever was going on between Jay and yourself as well. The semester would end, the fake dating would end, all the feelings you had towards him would be pushed aside, and the next semester you would come back and fall back into your pattern of being rivals and hating one another. At the start of this agreement, you genuinely could not wait for it to be over, but now as it was nearing its end, you wished for it to continue. Struggling with the realization of your feelings towards Jay, even fake dating him was better than nothing, and you would rather continue doing that, than having nothing from him.

Faking dating him was better than being nothing more than a rival to him. The feelings you felt you wished would just disappear, push them into the back of your mind like they never existed, like they had never existed. Soon you will go back to just being a rival with him, the only thing connecting the two of you is the desire to outdo the other, the need to score higher, to do better, to be the best. The warm feeling flooding your chest when you held hands, would be gone. The joy you felt from just spending time with him, even if it was nothing more than doing homework together. The happiness that would overcome your being, just from the small things he would do when with you. Meeting him in the morning, him having gotten you your favorite morning drink, would stop. He always carrying your favorite snacks in his bag, for mid study session snacks, would no longer be there. He remembered and always ordered your favorite pastries, when the two of you would work at the cafe, would be gone. Most of all, he walking you to and from class, making sure you got home safe, and constantly checking in on you throughout the day, would stop.

As the two of you rode in the elevator, Jay could sense something was wrong. There was no conversation flowing, there were no witty remarks, and there was nothing going on between the two of you. “Hey,” His voice was soft, as he caught your attention, his hand coming up, tilting your face up to look at him. “What’s wrong?” He asked, his thumb starting to stroke your cheek. “Do you not feel well?” He added. As you attempted to shake his hand off your face, he however stood there, not moving. “Hey, tell me what’s wrong. If you don’t feel well, we can finalize the project on another day. I can take you back to your apartment, we can get you your favorite tea, and just take a rest day.”

"You're not my boyfriend, why do you keep saying romantic and caring things?” You were unable to stop the first thought in your mind from slipping past your lips. Immediately after, you gasped, realizing what you had said.

Jay however did nothing more than laugh, hearing your words. "So... you think I'm romantic and caring.” He replied with ease, a smirk starting to come upon his face, at your words.

“No,” Immediately slipped from your mouth, attempting to answer him and defend yourself. “I just…” Unable to think of a reply, with all the thoughts in your mind, none of them came out. There was no one around, so why was he being so sweet to you? Why did he always do this, getting you coffee and tea in the mornings, getting you snacks, making sure you were alright. These were things a boyfriend would do, which he was not yours, and a fake boyfriend would not do these things in private. Jay not only did those things around others, but also when it was just the two of you. He would always say some bullshit about how he likes to be consistent, but consistency was making your heart skip a beat, consistency was making the butterflies in your stomach go crazy, consistency was making you feel things for him that you should not be feeling for him.

Luckily, you were saved by the elevator doors opening, unable to respond, and instead just listening to his laughter, before he pulled you from the elevator, over to your usual table. The past few days had gotten harder and harder to spend time with him without the feelings flooding your mind taking over all rational thought. It was getting to the point that you were unable to spend time with him, without wishing this was real, that the way he held your hand was genuine, that the way he spoke to you was all you ever wanted in the world. He was so sweet and romantic and caring, but it was not real, it was not actually a relationship, despite how badly you wished it was.

“Hey, if you don’t feel well, we can just raincheck today?” Jay’s voice breaks your train of thought, he watches as you shake your head.

You did not want to let him know what was going on, and instead just put a smile on your face, wanting to get this day over with. “I’m fine, let’s just finish this up and then we can go our separate ways.” You suggested.

Jay was quick to look around as he heard your words. “Let’s finish the last parts of the project, and then I think we need to go to the cafe, to talk about our, you know, situation.” The finalization of your project was completed with ease, just making sure that each and every part of the rubric was answered and all ready to be turned in.

As the both of you had checked the last question on the paper, making sure it was answered, you started to pack up your supplies, ready to leave, to finally get back to your apartment. However, you were unable to get all of your things packed, before Jay’s voice caught your attention. “Hey, let’s go to the cafe, we need to discuss something. Then I’ll walk you home, okay?” He said, and you only nodded, just wanting to get this day over with.

Once again, you were hand in hand with him, Jay holding your backpack, as you walked across campus with him to the cafe. As you took a seat in your usual spot,the secluded table at the corner, you waited for Jay. It was hard to keep yourself from smiling as he put down your favorite drink. He always remembered all these little things. These were things that even your ex’s would not remember, your favorite drink, food, snack, and just everything. Despite the desire to enjoy the moment, you left the drink where it sat, looking up at Jay. “What did you want to talk about?”

Jay was sipping at his coffee when he heard your voice, deciding he might as well just get to the point. “I know we said that we should just do this until the end of the semester, but I think it might be good for us to continue after coming back from winter break.” He was quick to say. “I just think it would be best, like Yujin and her friends have been leaving me alone, and I know the freshmen aren’t bothering you, and I just think it would be best for us to continue. I mean, I feel like we don’t hate each other as much anymore, and just don’t you feel better without having to worry about them. We can just continue and then maybe once Yujin latches onto someone else, we can end it.” He offered.

Nodding your head, you found yourself agreeing without even thinking about it. “Yet, I guess that makes the most sense.” You said without a single thought in your head, you were trying to not think about this. Trying not to think about how his hand would hold yours, how he would kiss your cheek, and how he would say the sweetest words to you without much thought. Trying not to think about how much it would hurt hearing those words knowing he did not really mean it, holding his hand knowing he would rather be holding someone else’s hand, and feeling his lips on your cheek knowing it was only there for show.

You watched as Jay responded with nothing more than a nod, sipping at his drink once more. The silence was usually comfortable, yet, you found yourself uncomfortable. Sipping at your drink, trying to finish it a bit quicker than you usually would have, wanting nothing more than to leave. As you quickly finished the drink, you stood, grabbing your bag, throwing it over your shoulder, before Jay could try to grab. “Take your time, I’m just gonna head out.”

Jay was fast to stand, watching as you started to grab your stuff. “Hey, I’ll walk you back.” He said, starting to grab his own things, it was odd how you wanted to leave so quickly, but he did not question it.

Shaking your head, stepping away, ready to go. “No, it’s fine. Just enjoy your coffee, I just want a moment alone.” You tried to assure him, watching as Jay slowly nodded, before he slowly sat down, deciding not to fight you on this. Leaving the cafe, the walk back to your apartment was lonely, you were accustomed to Jay being beside you, his pace always slowed down to meet your pace. As you walked, you had time to think, the thoughts of everything flooded your mind. The thoughts of what you had agreed to, and how it was affecting you, only months ago you would have not enjoyed just being with Jay, only months ago you would have not wanted to be around Jay, and only months ago you would have not been falling for Jay.

December came and went with little fanfare. The project was done, presented, and graded with a wonderful score of ninety-eight. Winter came and went, the break being far to short, before it was time to resume classes. The weeks you had away from campus gave you time to think about everything that was going on, and think you did. However, you came to no conclusions, instead every single thought helped you in no way at all. As winter break came and left, you found yourself back on campus, falling back into the routine you had with Jay from the semester before.

Being the same major, having the same classes, and the same professors meant that the two of you were often together. It was routine for you two at that point, Jay picking you up from your apartment, walking to campus with you, walking you to class, and then at the end of the day walking you back to your apartment. It was hard to pretend like everything was alright, especially like the whole relationship was nothing more than your contract.

It was almost the end of January when the two of you went out to your first part, from being back on campus after winter break. Of course it was a frat party, once again Heeseung and Jake talked Jay into coming to the party, and he only agreed if you were to come with him. Parties were still not your thing, specifically frat parties. The faint smell of body odor, the faint stickiness of all the surfaces, and the loud booming edm music playing through the speakers; it was just not what you enjoy, but you were here for Jay, not yourself.

Sitting in his lap, after he said some shit about saving a seat for the others, felt odd. You would rather be sitting alone, maybe five feet away from him, or even just in a total other room, that way you would not be feeling these butterflies in your stomach at how his hands held you around your stomach. “I need some air.” You said to Jay, before prying his hands from you, and standing up, quickly going out the door. The stuffiness of the room was too much, the feeling of him holding you was too much, and the thoughts in your mind were too much. Leaning against the porch fencing, you found yourself sitting on the ground, trying to calm yourself, knowing you would have to go back into the party at some point or people would ask questions.

However, you were unable to relax too much, since after only three minutes, Jay was slipping out of the door to rejoin you. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked, sitting on the porch, right besides you. “If you don’t want to be here, we can leave.” He offered. “You also don’t have to come with me to the parties, if you don’t want to.” He added. Jay would never admit it, however he did not want you to be uncomfortable, and he felt bad for having you come with him, since you were obviously not enjoying yourself here. He was not one for these large parties either, but someone had to keep Jake and Heeseung from themselves, and until their other Sunghoon made it here, it was Jay that had that task.

Shaking your head, you leaned against the fence, just closing your eyes. “No, it’s fine. You can go back in, don’t worry about me.” You were quick to tell him, but had you been looking, you would have seen the look on his face that told you he would not stop worrying, and he would honestly probably worry more.

“Hey, let’s go.” Jay said, standing up, offering you his hand, deciding if you were not going to tell him what was going on, then he would take you elsewhere. “Heeseung and Jake will be fine until Sunghoon gets here, it’ll only be like ten minutes, what’s the worst they can do in that time, shave their heads? They wouldn’t, they couldn’t pull off being bald.”

Looking up at Jay, you found yourself laughing, before finally giving him your hand, letting him help you up. Jay was fast to lead you through the house, out of the house, and then down towards the close convenience store. “Thank you.” You muttered, unknown to you whether you heard him or not.

“It’s okay, but you need to tell me if you don’t want to be places. I’d rather leave than make you stay somewhere you don’t want to be.” Jay told you, leading you over to the outdoor table, outside the convenience store. “Stay right here, I’ll be right back.” he said, pushing you into one of the seats.

Sitting down, you watched as Jay went into the store. Not even ten minutes later, he exited, bag and two bowls in hand. Jay had set one down in front of you, looking at it, you noticed it was your favorite ramen. That bowl was soon followed by a bottle of your favorite drink, and then a bag of your favorite snacks. “Thank you.” You said to Jay, watching as he already started to eat his ramen, he encouraged you to do the same.

“Honestly, I don’t really like frat parties either.” Jay started, as he watched you start eating. “Honestly, if it wasn’t for Heeseung and Jake needing someone to keep them from doing stupid things, I wouldn’t go either. I probably haven’t told you about why they need to be babysat when they drink, have I?” Jay continued, as he ate his own food. “So once, they were both completely shitfaced, like drunk off their asses, and they got this great idea, well great to them. They decided to go get matching tattoos. They found some shady little place that was still open, and got matching tattoos. They somehow thought it was a great idea to get brothers tattooed on each other, but they misspelled what they wanted, so instead of saying brothers, it says bothers.” As he told you, Jay found himself happy, watching as you started laughing at his story, it was one of the first times in a while he had seen you genuinely happy. He was unsure what was going on, but he did not like it, despite the fact he would have not admitted it to you.

Listening to him, you found yourself laughing. Oddly enough, the tattoos saying bothers instead of brothers made sense as well, since Heeseung and Jake were both a bother to many people. “I can’t believe that’s why they need a babysitter.” You muttered, looking down as you noticed that you had finished your ramen, the snack and drink being soon to follow.

It was not long before both of you had finished everything, and Jay started to help you clean up, throwing all the trash away. “I guess I’ll get headed home.” You said, as Jay spoke.

“Wait right here for a moment.” Jay said, standing, and heading back into the store.

Watching as he walked away, you decided maybe the night did not need to come to an end so soon, and instead waited for him. Soon he returned, bag in hand, and soon your hand was in his other hand. He started to lead you towards your apartment, but you somehow knew that you were not going there.

Jay led you through the streets, going towards the park that was near your apartment. “I want to show you something.” He said, taking you through the streets, towards the grassy knolls of the park. It only took about ten minutes of walking more, before he found where he was taking you.

Soon, you were in an open field, the close street lights were blocked by tree cover, and the only light illuminating the area was the cloudless sky. As you were staring up at the stars, seeing how clear and beautiful the sky was, Jay was busy opening the bag, spreading the blanket he had bought out on the ground, sitting down, before grabbing your hand, to get you to do the same. “This is what you bought.” You muttered, before sitting down next to him. Soon, your back was on the blanket, staring up at the stars, as Jay did the same.

As you started to stare up at the sky once more, Jay started pointing out the constellations, with you starting to point out the ones that you remembered. Had you turned to see Jay’s face at that moment, you would have seen him staring at you, instead of the sky, enamored with the fact that you remembered them from all those weeks ago when he told you about them for the first time. As you explained what you recalled from all those nights ago, Jay found himself fading into sleep. Noticing how quiet he was, you sat up, being sure not to wake him. “All those weeks ago you asked if I thought we would fall in love. I don’t know about you, but I know I have.” You whispered, finally having the confidence to admit it, after the wonderful night you had with him, yet you knew you were screwed, since he would never love you back.

You allowed him to rest for a few minutes more, observing his features. Maybe you were attempting to memorize his face just in case things went back, really for when things went bad. He would be your one that got away, but did he really get away if he never loved you back. After about ten minutes, you started to shake his shoulder, waking him. As he woke, soon the two of you were headed back towards your apartments, all while you decided you needed to do something, to let him know you really feel, so he can reject you, and you can move on from these feelings.

"I hate this so much. So much. How'd you talk me into this again?" Jay’s voice said, looking around at the pink, white, and red decorations with disgust. He was never one for any of the school events they held, off campus events, and even the frat parties to this.

A laugh left your lips as you dragged him alongside you. He did not want to be here, but alas here he was, by your side, despite his dislike of these events. “Come on, lighten up. We had to come, Beomgyu invited us to join him and his girlfriend of the moment.” You started to tell him, laughing as he groaned, knowing he would have to deal with Beomgyu outside of class today. “Also it’s a holiday for lovers, Beomgyu would have questions if we didn’t show up.” You reminded him, keeping up appearances, to the others, you had been dating for almost six months, it would have been odd if you did not come to this event. While you had other motives for inviting him, you let him believe that it was just because of Beomgyu’s invitation.

Meeting up with Beomgyu and his girlfriend of the month, was quick, the two of you quickly going off on your own, leaving him and his girlfriend on their own. Jay may have hated college hosted events, but he honestly did not hate it as much, when he was accompanying you. Sitting at a table, you watched as Jay enjoyed some of the provided foods, while he might hate these events, the food was not that bad, and your company made it almost worth coming.

The night drew on, the two of you dancing and enjoying your time together. It was not long before you had dragged him out of the party, into the impeccably decorated flower garden the university had prepared for the event. Walking through the maze-like garden, the two of you found yourself besides a flower wall. The pink, white, and red roses aligned for the perfect couples photograph.

Jay had to stop himself from laughing at the scene, the flower wall being nothing more than a backdrop for couples to take cute photographs, looking towards you, he easily spoke up. "If this is some plot to confess your undying love for me, you could've just said so." Jay’s voice cut through the silence, easily capturing your attention, reminding you that you were not alone. His voice held a teasing tone, like he was about to make some snarky comment about where the two of you were standing.

It was in that moment that you decided you had enough. You had enough of your heart skipping a beat, enough of the butterflies in your stomach going crazy, enough of your feelings that you tried so hard to suppress. Deciding to put it all out there, to risk it all, either you would leave knowing he feels the same way you do, or you would leave embarrassed, knowing you were the only one to break a rule. “And what if it is?” You muttered, watching as he simply placed his hands on your waist, pulling you closer. Looking around, there were few people in the area, most were leaving the event, but it still automatically reminds you of his keeping up appearances statement from so many weeks ago. "Are you faking it-" You started to ask him, voice soft so only he could hear, expecting nothing more than for him to agree, to play the part of the sweet couple sharing a kiss in the middle of the Valentine’s Day event.

It was unexpected when his lips met yours. Being quick to kiss him back, you were unsure how long the two of you stayed there, the scene being one out of a movie. "I can't seem to fake anything when it comes to you, love.” Jay muttered against your lips, his hand moving from the side of your waist, to behind your neck. “I can never seem to fake anything when it comes to you.” He added, before fully reconnecting his lips with yours once more.

The kiss however was broken shortly after, moving back from Jay, looking up at him. “Tell me you are telling the truth.” You softly said, looking up at him. “I don’t know if I could handle it if you tell me later that this was all for show. If saying you love me was all for show.” You muttered, just thinking about how easily that would break you, here you were opening your heart up for him, confessing how you felt, and if afterward he said it was all to make the fake dating seem better, it would break you more than you would care to verbalize, to tell him. He could destroy your heart with ease, and all you could do is hope he feels the same way as you do.

“It’s the truth,” Jay started, grabbing your hands, pulling yourself closer to him once more. “Nothing but the truth.” Was added, his lips making contact with yours once more. His hands wrapped around your waist, your hands coming up to his neck, one intertwining into his hair, tugging him closer to you, as though close was not even close enough.

The kiss however was quickly ruined, as an annoying voice was heard from behind the two of you. “Your mom will just love this photo.” Beomgyu said, somehow having found his way to you, taking a photo, sending it to his mother to show your mother.

Jay and yourself were quick to reply. “Shut up Beomgyu.” Was said in tandem, voices overlapping one another’s, causing laughter to come from you, as Jay shot the male that was only feet away a dirty look. Putting his attention back onto you, Jay was quick to lean back down, your lips finally meeting once more, knowing that despite your original thoughts, it was not only you who broke a rule, and maybe it was for the best in the end.

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namism · 17 days

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parts of me | nami

➳ categories: canonverse, gender neutral reader

➳ word count: 1.4k

➳ notes: my two nami fics so far are kinda sad so the next one will be happy I PROMISE

When the Sunny is quiet as the sun sets in the horizon, with the aroma of herbs and tangerines coming from Sanji's kitchen and the faint tune of Brook's violin entering the women's quarters, Nami remembers the day she met you and the day you left.

Her thoughts oddly jump from point A to point B, a silly thing she's guilty of, but it's a thing that she can't stop doing because she makes up for the sad thought of your departure with the happy thought of your arrival into her life.

Looking out the window, her eyes follow the movement of the waves. They crash onto each other in a rhythmic motion, an effective hypnosis for her brain to shut down and work in slow motion. Nami calls this tendency of longing a "thing" rather than a "habit" because she denies that it is one. To her, "habit" suggests that she thinks of you all the time, which technically is the truth, but she can't let herself admit that just yet.

Suddenly, Robin calls from the doorway of the quarters, her mature voice as composed as always. "Nami. Sanji called you for a taste test."

Nami spins on her feet, taking her mind off the hypnosis, which only makes her dizzy. "Huh?"

Robin shuffles into the room and approaches her vanity, where she grabs a book that she left open a few hours ago after being called into Franky's workspace to lend a hand. She walks to the loveseat in the far corner of the quarters, and sits cross-legged as she reads where she left off.

"Sanji wants you to taste his tangerine dish." She giggles softly, her eyes creasing upon remembering Sanji's heart-shaped gaze.

"Ah, no wonder why it smelled like tangerines here." Nami diverts her gaze from Robin to the mini cartography table on her side of the room. She sees the unfinished map she drew of Sabaody Archipelago three days ago.

"(Y/N). I'm Shakky's neighbor, and sometimes her slave," you introduced yourself in a joking manner. Shakky, the 62-year-old woman who you grew up with the past nine years, threw an unused cigarette at your head.

"Don't lie to the guests, kid," she said.

Nami hummed in amusement. "I'm Nami. I came here with my crew."

Robin flips a page of her book.

"You seem upset, Nami. Can I help you?"

"Huh? No," Nami mumbles to herself. "I have something to do."

As the girl leaves the quarters, Robin assumes that she's on her way to taste Sanji's new dish that's awaiting her in the kitchen. Although not knowing Nami as she thought she did, she failed to catch the look on her face when she examined the half-drawn map on her table.

Nami walks out into the deck and looks toward south, where Sabaody and Fishman Island are. She sighs. To live with the feeling of longing is one thing (like when she longed for Bellemere's tangerines or when she longed to be with her crew when they were separated two years ago), but to live with this feeling that you can't admit is another.

"Thank you for helping us," Nami sent her thanks as you pulled her down into your wooden boat.

After a rocky encounter with a Celestial Dragon, you managed to get Nami and yourself to safety, while the other members of her pirate crew, the Straw Hats, as they called themselves, ran in different directions, with some of them running farther into Grove 17 of Sabaody Archipelago. Nami sat on the other edge of the boat as you paddled the vessel away from the Grove and to Shakky's bar.

"Don't mention it," you told her.

It took two days for Nami to reunite with half of the crew. By then, the Straw Hats scurried off into the other Groves to get down to business as the Marines arrived at the archipelago. You insisted on tagging along.

As Nami takes another step farther into the deck, the smell of Sanji's tangerine dish becomes stronger from the kitchen. She appreciates this as a form of distraction from her thoughts. When Sanji comes out in an apron and a mini pastry platter, she is even more relieved.

"Nami-swaaan, please try this dish!" he begs. "Please? Pleaseee?"

Nami grabs a cupcake from the platter and takes a bite as she looks into the distance. Tangerine-flavored. Of course, she thinks, but the flavor isn't too strong or too subtle. Sanji did a great job in integrating the tangerines adequately.

"It's delicious," she tells him. "Thank you, Sanji-kun."

Sanji grins to himself, delighted that he received a compliment from Nami out of all people. While he swoons, Nami notices a particular pastry on the platter that catches her attention.

"Is that—?" she cuts herself off to observe a little longer. "Oh, Sanji-kun, is that me?"

She points at a sugar cookie of a woman who looks exactly like her: orange hair, brown eyes, a smile, and a tight shirt and shorts... except that there is something else to it.

"I'm glad you noticed!" Sanji beams, happy for the second time this day. "I made a cookie for Robin-chwan as well!"

Nami appreciates the gesture. She wants to laugh at it, but Sanji might get the wrong idea, so she saves the reaction for later when she gets the time to think about it again.

She grabs the cookie from the plate and inspects it. It's a pretty piece of art (and a piece of herself, one can say) that she almost doesn't want to ruin, and instead just keep it in a glass box to be displayed in a museum.

She traces her finger over the hardened frosting, the orange color that was used in her hair leaving a barely noticeable stain on her finger.

Then she finally reacts. She lets out a small giggle that doesn't give Sanji the wrong idea. He still, however, asks why she's so bubbly all of a sudden.

"You're amazing," you told Nami in awe as she navigated through the Grove with an outmoded map. "I see it now. You're going to be the world's best navigator under the Pirate King's arm once you map out the whole world."

Nami's face flushed in a way that she couldn't hide. Eventually, she didn't bother hiding her face any longer as she boldly stared you down like it didn't affect her at all.

"And you're going to be the world's best boat pilot."

You laughed at her joke.

Nami clutches the ends of her hair and twirls the strands with her finger, thinking to herself deeply as Sanji waits for an answer.

"This might sound weird," you started, "but you're beautiful."

Nami narrowed her eyes at you. She had heard that compliment a hundred times in the past.

"I reckon that you hear that a lot." You chuckled. "Trust me, I'm not saying this to take advantage of you."

"What is it, then?" she asked.

"Rarely anyone here has orange hair. I find it beautiful that it's your natural beauty."

She didn't reply. Instead, she kept walking through the Grove as you followed.

"You'll forget this eventually. I know you will, but don't cut your hair, ever. It's a cute part of yourself," you told her.

"I just love it," she explains. She traces the ends of the hair that lie just above her shoulders, a depiction of her eighteen-year-old self two years ago. "Thank you, Sanji-kun."

Nami realizes that there is no way of escaping you as the past moments you shared together resurface in her brain in every second and every minute of the day. She wonders if she could ever escape a habit like this when she'll be surrounded by nothing but water for another week as they travel to a new island, somewhere far from Sabaody and devoid of your presence—and it doesn't help her case that old habits die hard.

Sanji goes back to the kitchen to finish cooking the rest of the crew's lunch, leaving Nami to her own devices on the deck. She takes small bites of the cookie, saving her head for last, while losing herself to the rhythmic motion of the ocean waves yet again, hypnotizing her mind to think about you, and only you, like a habit that will never die.

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ripleylacross · 4 months

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Most people who follow me these days don't know that from 2018 to 2020 I had a webcomic.

It was a memoir following the events of my first long-distance backpacking trip with my husband. One hundred miles of the Pacific Crest Trail in Oregon, from Sisters, OR to Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood.

It focused a lot on my insecurities as a new backpacker as compared to the thru-hikers we encountered on that adventure... and the difficulties present in my marriage at the time.

Honestly, the longer I worked on it the more beautiful the pages became, and the faster I got at making them! I learned so much working on this project.

Each day on that trip was formatted as a chapter in the 'story' I was telling. Thus, the longer I worked on it, the longer each day became. Chapter 1 was only 29 pages, while Chapter 2 (above) was 37.

What ended up going online was only chapter 1 and 2. I intended on completing all of chapter 3 before posting it two pages per week so I'd have ample buffer to work on subsequent chapters. But... life kind of happened and production slowed down.

And, well, I realized in the end I was airing my dirty laundry for the world to see and painting my husband in a really shitty light.

The first nine pages of chapter 3 were finished, with a few more after that flatted and inked. The whole chapter was penciled save for a handful at the very end that I at least got roughed out. I loved how this chapter was looking and reading. I got creative with panels and compositions and felt so confident in my ability to make a good graphic memoir.

It was hard for me to let it go, but as the chapter progressed and the story got into the nitty gritty of it all, it was just too much. What had started as a desire to make a comic about a dramatic backpacking trip that left me with a sprained ankle and a newfound appreciation for my body had become... one-sided couples therapy.

This is the first time a lot of these pages have ever seen the Internet.

There's "doing the work" and then there's "Doing the WORK", and that's what this comic became. Seeing my actual faults. Not just my insecurities and anxieties, but how I saw myself in relation to my own partner and how I saw him. It was thoughtless to paint him in that light for other people to see and make their own assumptions.

So, a strong note to be made now: This comic is, technically, fictitious. Characterizations were exaggerated so much that the characters I made of myself and my husband didn't resemble us anymore.

I took the whole thing off the internet when came to these uncomfortable realizations. There are far, far worse pages already drawn that will never see the light of day.

Memoirs are tricky things. They can be healing, but they can also be harmful. The people in your memories are still people, and that has to be understood throughout the entire process. No matter what kind of imagined 'redemption arc' you create in your narrative to make up for it.

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading about my experience making a webcomic/graphic memoir.

#long post #image heavy #plz ignore the fact I forgot the LA in my last name for much of these pages #They had to be updated from my deadname #graphic memoir #comics #digital art #artists on tumblr #ripley lacross #artwork #digital sketch #Backpacking #Thru hiking #Pacific Crest Trail #Long distance backpacking

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mangoshorthand · 11 months

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Flesh and Blood- [Five Hargreeves x F Reader]. Ch12 (Hard Feelings Part 3)

SUMMARY: As Christmas approaches, everything between you and Five is perfect...until a destructive temporal anomaly gets in the way. Five is convinced another permutation of himself is to blame. Nothing's simple when you're in a relationship Five Hargreeves: could your loyalties be tested in a way unique to him?

Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five - Chapter Six - Chapter Seven - Chapter Eight - Chapter Nine - Chapter Ten - Chapter Eleven - Chapter Twelve - Chapter Thirteen

With two to protect, Five does something he thought he'd never do.

Daddy Five ahead, and not in the way we're used to. Proceed at your own risk.

Chapter Eleven: Aoife

You’re in the bed, having cried yourself to sleep with the baby at your breast. He took her from you gently, giving you as much opportunity to rest as he could. Now, Five sits in the room’s only comfortable chair, his shirt open with her against his own chest.

Aoife.

Four hours old. So tiny, exquisitely beautiful and completely his.

He’s never understood Allison more than now. Every time he looks into his daughter’s face, he feels a fierce protective urge as well as adoration. He’d rip out throats with his teeth for this girl; he’d do a deal with the devil and whistle a happy tune.

He knows he has to be alert. Until now, he’s been working on the basis that her nonsense portals happened because her power was incompatible with your body, but he has to consider the possibility that he’s wrong.

There’s been nothing so far, however, and it’s hard not to let exhaustion overtake him. Some of that Modafinil Klaus sourced for him when you were ill would be useful right now.

Aoife shifts against him and twitches his jacket. He feels the hard rectangle of his notebook in the inner breast pocket.

Partly to focus his mind and stave off sleep, Five gently shifts her full weight onto one arm and uses the other to wriggle it out of his pocket. He flicks it open to his latest calculations.

He plans to reread his theory and calculations on the effects of him producing opposing frequencies, but his eyes are immediately drawn to the scrawlings in red pen dotted around the pages.

Though it’s his handwriting, he certainly didn’t put them there.

His older self had apparently taken it upon himself to correct Five’s calculations. Despite him having guarded it with particular care, he’d somehow stolen and then returned it.

‘Faulty assumption’, reads one of his comments. One of Five’s equations is entirely crossed out with a correction written beneath. In other places, elements are circled and underlined, pointing out errors in judgment or mathematics.

His eyes take in all the smug comments with a mixture of shock and irritation:

‘ Seriously?!’ Older Five had written beside one of his shakier surmises, ‘you think that would work?’

‘Were we really this dumb?’ he’d written, beside an underlined multiplication that should apparently be division.

Five turns the page, unconscious of tiredness now as he reads.

Beside a rough Feynman diagram: ‘Think about the compression factor .

Beneath his last lines of theory, there’s a final line of red pen:

‘C+ If I wanted you dead, you would be. Idiot.’

Five stares for a moment and then rereads the entire thing, doing enough of the math in his mind to know that it fits.

He flips the notebook shut. For the first time since her birth, he’s unaware of Aoife. He stares straight ahead, face screwed up in concentration.

So it was true: his plan all along had been to die? If so, then the bathtub incident really was an accident?

It doesn’t compute. It doesn’t make sense . How, when he had you and this baby to fight for, could he make it a kamikaze mission?

He watched you both die, spent eight years planning and calculating; why would he do all that not to reap the benefits of it?

Five tries to imagine it.

The other him said you died of postpartum hemorrhage. It would have been a bloodbath. This baby, in his arms now, would be even tinier, discolored, flayed-looking.

He shudders at the thought, wanting to push it away, but deliberately staying with it. He needs to know; he needs to understand.

That Five would have buried you somewhere in the woods around the cabin. He would have dug a grave in the snow and covered you over.

He went home…and then what would he do?

He knows his own impulsivity well enough: if it were him, he’d drink himself to death. He’d lock himself in his room and down a bottle or two of vodka. If he was thinking clearly enough, he might also take a dozen or so pills for good measure.

But that Five didn’t die. He lived eight years since losing you. Eight years of planning, calculating and alcoholism.

He looks back down at Aoife and then he understands.

The other him did it for the same reason he, himself, didn’t tell you about his suspicions: he did it so you and Aoife could have a better life.

Eight years without you both? Eight years of grief and heavy drinking? Would he inflict himself on you as an (even more) mentally unstable alcoholic? No, not if there was another, healthier Five to take his place.

And there was another reason too, wasn’t there?

Penance. Atonement for the version of you he couldn’t save.

***

For you, the first few days are a blur. Grief for the older Five mixes with bliss every time you hold Aoife and whenever you see Five hold her. Whenever you smile, you’re overcome with guilt too.

For his part, Five is at last convinced that her nonsense portals have stopped. If she didn’t produce any in the first couple of days, she was unlikely ever to.

You both begin to realize how woefully underprepared you were for this- unable even to drive her away from the hospital without a car seat. On the day of your discharge, Five hastily buys a travel system and other newborn supplies from the nearest big box store and fits it in the parking lot, cursing at the incomprehensible instructions.

You spend the first few weeks at the cabin, spring becoming ever more apparent. Five, used to getting by on little sleep, is coping better than you. He walks her around the bedroom when she cries, holding her to his bare chest and rubbing her back while you sit up, slumped against the headboard pumping breast milk, barely awake. Your body is a leaking, bleeding, chafing, aching, stretched-out mess and, on top of everything, you feel like a dairy cow.

Though he’s coping better, Five is still struggling. He's wearing sweatpants stained with her spit-up and can't bring himself to care. He's read about the benefits of multilingualism for infants, so he talks to her in a sleepy mixture of Italian and English. He might introduce Latin when she's older, but for now he's sticking with two.

“ Va bene, mia piccolina. Non piangere. Daddy’s got you. There we go. Little gas, eh? Better out than in.”

Slowly she quietens as he sings to her softly. When he transitions from Hotel California to his old go to, I Can’t Stop Loving You, you find yourself crying. Your body and mind are wrecked. As she starts to drift to sleep, he continues to rock her, but looks over at you. Keeping his voice in the same soothing, half whispered cadence, he says

“Poor Mommy. You get off to sleep, little girl. Momma needs a hug too. Permetti a papà di aiutare la mamma .”

Shushing her, he lowers her carefully into the bassinet, tensed in case the change of position sets her off again. He lays her down gently, withdrawing his arms slowly. When she doesn’t cry, he heads back over to you, takes the pump off your cracked nipple and pulls you under his arm.

“It’s ok. You’re doing so well.”

You keep crying. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

He sighs and pulls you closer: “Me neither.”

“But why did he do it?”

“Because I love you…and I’d do anything to put it right if…”

He knows he’d do exactly the same. Down to a t. His world has shifted since he met you. He’d do another forty-five years in the apocalypse if he had to; he’d do it with a smile if it meant the chance to see you both again, even if just for a while.

“Guess I’m not that much of an asshole, after all.”

***

One morning, Five bends from the waist to wake you with a kiss to your temple.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he says, as you stir.

You look up at him blearily.

“Baby need feeding?”

“No, I fed her. She’s asleep.”

You look up at him. For the first time since bringing Aoife back to the cabin, he’s clean shaven and wearing a suit.

“Where are you going?”

His smile seems rather forced.

“I need to go out for a few hours.”

“Why?”

A pause.

“Because I got stuff to do.”

You sit up, expression clouding over.

“What stuff?”

He sighs. You can see the battle going on behind his eyes: between partnership and his need to protect. There’s something he doesn’t want to tell you.

“Five.” you say, simply.

It’s enough. He looks at you, nods minutely and makes the decision to be open.

“I need to renegotiate with the Commission,” he says.

He smiles, clearly trying to minimize the gravity of this situation, but his hands go into his pockets in the way they always do when he’s uncomfortable.

You close your eyes. You knew this was coming, but you hadn’t expected it this soon.

His hand finds yours.

“It’s okay, dear one. I’ll be back, I promise. Whatever happens, I’ll be back by the evening.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

He exhales and sits slowly on the bed beside you. His face is very earnest, lips pressed together. He leans over and strokes your face gently.

“I promise.” he says, seriously, “And I’ll tear a hole in the fucking sky before I break this one, okay?"

***

He intends to drive over the Maine Border, up to Bangor, perhaps.

While it’s true that the Commision has become a more reasonable place under Herb’s leadership, he can’t rely on that.

He’s noticed a germ of resistance to adaptation that seems almost baked into the very fabric of the organization. It was possible (probable even) that reluctance to file more paperwork might alone make them unwilling to call off the contract. They might just allow things to trundle on, regardless of the resourcing costs.

So, beyond blowing the entire place sky high, there’s only one option for negotiation. He only has one card to play.

He drums his fingers tersely on the steering wheel, hardly able to keep his eyes on the road in front of him with the frequency he checks his mirrors, looking for any other vehicles acting suspiciously. He’s no stranger to being tailed and can usually behave with a cool head if there’s any danger of it, but today he’s too agitated.

Leaving you and Aoife alone in the woods feels intensely wrong. He knows logically that the Commission must have no idea where you are, (if they did, they would have come long before now. He also knows that maintaining your cover and making contact with them as far away as practical from you is the safest option.

But still…not being physically present to protect you both goes against every newly awoken fathering instinct he has. It makes him scared in ways he isn’t used to. It makes him feel weak; a vulnerability he hasn’t felt since those first few apocalypse years.

He reaches Bangor and then, for good measure, carries on into a small town in Hancock county. At the first stop he sees, he pulls into a gas-station and what must be the town’s only grocery store. As the car crunches over the badly maintained asphalt, he looks around the area appraisingly. There are only a few cars parked. That’s good: less chance of collateral damage if this goes sideways. There’s a payphone at the back of the lot, nice and far away from the grocery store.

After pulling up beside it, he takes a moment to steady his nerves, leaning back against the headrest and briefly closing his eyes.

In the bargain he’s about to make, the only leverage he has is himself.

It’s true that his relationship with Herb up until this mess has been collegial, with Five as the more domineering force, but Herb is one man in an entire organization and he can’t guarantee it will be enough without another few years of service out of him to sweeten the deal.

With his head in his hands, he knows that it’s the best option. He wouldn’t be in the field, he’d probably be working at HQ developing tech or even as a Case Manager. He’d work his contract quietly and then retire back to this time, appearing in the cabin only a few minutes after he left, a little older but otherwise unharmed.

He’ll still get to be a dad, still get to marry you…he just has to delay it for a while.

So why is it so hard?

His feet like lead, he hauls himself out of the car and slams the door shut. He positions himself in front of the payphone and lays his head briefly against it.

It’s hard because even being away from you for just over four hours has been difficult. It’s not just the anxiety about you coping alone together for the first time, it’s a need to be with you both that comes from within. It’s entirely for his own benefit. He needs you with him.

He dials the long string of numbers imprinted into his memory from his Commission days and waits miserably as the dial-up modem noise connects his call to the space out of time in which the Commission operates.

An automated answer bot picks up his call. Five remembers it well.

“Hello, and thank you for calling the Temps Commision. You have reached the-” a recorded human voice takes over “-main switchboard,” (then back to the automated voice), “Due to a high volume of calls, please allow this automated system to triage your call.”

Five taps his foot impatiently. Everything with this organization is painful. The permutation of him that founded it must be a real sadistic prick.

“For general information and contact-”

Unwilling to sit though all the options, Five employs a trick he learned in his latter Commission days, mashing the hash key to try and get through to a human operator.

“Hello?” says a polite voice on the other end.

“Get me Herb,” he responds, curtly.

“Can I ask who’s calling?”

“Five Hargreeves.”

There’s a pause: for a few moments, he can hear the operator breathing.

“Put me-” Five begins, but then there’s the abrupt sound of the receiver being put down and an empty dial tone in his ear.

“The fuck?” Five grunts, irritated.

Scowling, he hangs up and redials, punching the number with unnecessary force.

But this time: nothing. There’s no modem sound, no cool fembot, just an empty line.

He looks wildly around. Was making contact enough to summon Herb to him? Yet there’s no sign of Herb’s silhouette in the empty parking lot: no stillness in the air brought about by the stopping of time.

Five hangs up and dials again. Still nothing.

“You fucking… hang up on me ?” he mutters.

First the pipeline, now this?

And then dread begins to fill him, descending over his mind and body like an icy deluge.

He’d been stupid beyond usual stupidity.

Only now does it strike him that locating you probably wouldn’t be that hard; all they had to do was torture it out of any one of his siblings. Hell, they probably didn’t need to do that- there would likely be records of Klaus inheriting the cabin.

How did he not see this before?

He’d just given them the perfect opportunity to attack. He’d offered you up on a silver platter.

Fuck , he’d even paid them the courtesy of calling them from a location hours away, letting them know that you and your perfect newborn were alone and entirely unprotected.

He blinks immediately into the car, thankful at least he’d left the keys in the ignition. He pulls out of the parking lot with a screech of tires, accelerating wildly back down the road.

***

Luckily for you, Aoife’s slept most of the day, waking for feeds and to be changed but otherwise content to sleep in her bassinet or held close to your chest.

You’ve spent a good deal of today crying for the other Five: feeling guilty, confused and even angry, though you can’t always pinpoint exactly why.

He gave his life for yours and yet he never consulted you about it: he just left you to live with that knowledge. And, if you mourn him, are you perhaps betraying the Five who remains? The one who also risked his life for you and would have done the same as his doppelganger in the same scenario? Will it seem to him like you’d rather the other version survived? Is it stupid to mourn at all, given that they’re the same person?

All this confusing mess is whirling around your head when a loud noise from outside the cabin makes you and the baby start violently. She gives a sharp cry and you shush her urgently.

You know something’s wrong.

With swift movements, you look urgently around the cabin’s bedroom for a means of escape, for somewhere to hide, but before you can, another noise, right beside you this time makes you yelp and turn away from the source, instinctively shielding Aoife with your body.

A pair of hands grab you around the upper arms and force you around to face their owner. You struggle and shriek until his voice gets through to you.

“It’s me, I got you. Have they hurt you? Where are they?”

You stop resisting and turn to him, Aoife crying fearfully in your arms.

“Five!”

He holds you at arms length only long enough to check that you’re both unharmed before pulling you to him, looking around the room frantically as if expecting Commission agents to reveal themselves from the walls.

“You’re okay,” he murmurs, “you’re okay.”

“You scared me,” you say, your own lips trembling as you try to comfort Aoife.

“I’m sorry dear one, I thought- I thought.”

He looks around one more time, reassuring himself of what he already knows. They aren’t here; he was wrong.

He buries his head in your hair, one of his hands protectively on Aoife’s head. ***

There was a knock at Herb’s office door.

“Come in,” he called, putting his pen down.

A smartly dressed middle-aged man entered the room with a clipboard under his arm. He stood respectfully back from the desk.

“Hi Rudi,” smiled Herb, “how can I help?”

Rudi shifted nervously from foot to foot, “I wanted to let you know that Five Hargreeves called.”

For a second, Herb looked surprised.

“What did he say?” he said, curiously, looking down at the desk top.

“He just asked to speak to you.”

Herb nodded solemnly.

“You stuck to the plan?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. And thanks for letting me know.”

Rudi smiled slightly worriedly and left the room, leaving Herb to contemplate his own hands on the table.

He and Diego had come to an agreement: this was only ending one way now, and Herb didn’t intend to go back on that.

Tag list: (please comment to be added or removed.) @dilfjohhny , @sunsunhe, @w4stedtr4sh, @nevbrooke-555, @theredvelvetbitch, @td-miley01, @five-hxrgreeves, @rorygi1more, @jamiebower88

Masterpost

Alternatively, join me on A03. Here is a link to the whole series

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moomingitz · 6 months

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Satam is overrated AF. Prime is far superior to it.

Not to mention the art in satam is ugly AF . Sonic's and Tails character model was pretty ugly too.

All I said is that it's kind of dumb to use comparisons from the franchise that came long after SatAm was cancelled, and a game the average fan back then didn't play because it was on an expensive console add-on, for why Western fans who grew up in the 90s shouldn't think the show as a dark take on Sonic.

And I'm gonna have to disagree on Sonic Prime being the better show in general. I gave it a fair chance and came into it with an open mind. I was actually intrigued by the whole "Shatterverse" concept when the details of the show first leaked. But I unfortunately have many problems with it that keep me from fully enjoying it. I'm just gonna say that the show, in my opinion, feels aggressively mediocre, if that's the best way for me to put it. I feel like the characters are either just there or unlikable(especially Nine and Thorn Rose). Yet this show claims to take place in the main game canon, despite there being so many inconsistencies with Sonic's characterization alone(and do I have problems with how he's portrayed). At least SatAm, and by extension Archie, never claimed to be canon to the games at all. Prime, the cartoon that is supposed to take within it's source material, feels more "fan fiction" like, than the dark and gritty early 90s cartoon adaption.

I don't disagree with how Sonic was drawn in the Dic cartoons hasn't aged the best, especially when nobody could seem to be on the same page on how to draw his quills, which was not exclusive to SatAm. But, SatAm's overall art direction is something I would hardly call "ugly AF". Not when Sonic Underground and Sonic the Comic existed in the same decade. It just looks like another typical 90s furry cartoon. Prime's animation looks off-putting a lot of times, and it's just another reason why I would rather have something be animated low budget 2D instead. The character designs and models looking so close to their game counterparts only makes things stick out even more when you see something that just doesn't seem right with them.

As much as I have nostalgia for SatAm and it's characters, I do get annoyed with how fans act like as if it's the only adaption that was during that decade, or them immediately going, "OMG ARE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS GONNA RETURN?!?!" whenever a new game is announced or piece of Sonic media is announced. But at the same time, I can't stand the whole "Acktually SatAM was never good!" purist garbage, without even trying to at least understand why the Western side of the fandom liked it so much back then. I've long had my fill of that fandom elitism crap from seeing it since the early 2000s.

I'm the kind of person who has watched things like, Felix the Cat: The Movie, more times than what should be considered normal or acceptable. So you're wasting your time when I'm someone who has not only seen the most bottom of the barrel stuff, but still finds value in even "bad" media.

#asks #unpopular opinions #awaits possible backlash

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the--helen · 9 months

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❝Some days I want my demons to win.❞

Where: Antique shop With: @antiquecritique

Helen had been feeling strange in the past few weeks. She caught her mind often wandering to monster and magic and fairies... something it had not done since before high school, playing in the backyard and building castles out of branches, running the chickens in to be her playmates. She gave this to the books she had read at the library, speaking of monsters and witches and others. She gave it to the fact that now the usually foggy mind had been clear for two weeks while Alexander had been out of town, looking for a friend of his to help him out in their predicament. It allowed her to think more and to wander more and to speak to people and somehow she almost felt like she could fly.

But then he'd come back and been angry at her for not calling often enough to check on him, it meant perhaps she did not love him like he did her. But she had been so excited to wander outside of four walls, to breath in fresh air daily and feel sun on her skin, that she had forgotten all else. She had almost also forgotten the explanation of him. The revelation of him and his nature. She had been nervous when he had come home, expecting to be put back in stupor. But just a bruise on her cheek and new marks on her neck, she now was in possession of a beautiful bracelet. Or so she had thought for the first three days before she had found herself in strange moods and needing to be hugged and kissed far more often that she usually enjoyed. Her first thought had been that there was success and she had managed to get pregnant and her dark-haired beloved would be content with her at last and they would have an idyllic nine months where he would only caress her and sooth her hair, no bites on her neck or shoulders, no bruises on her tights.

But the doctor at the hospital had said no. No she wasn't pregnant and her hormones were good. But she still like a cat in the need of sunlight, where the sunlight was a touch and the lips of her husband. Maybe she had finally felt relaxed enough to show her love, which she always told herself was there, just panicked and timid. But as she lay next to him, their skin equal shades of silver under the moon light coming from the window, her mind had wandered whether this place had something to do with it. He had been looking at her, fingers and lips trailing on her and she had been extatic again, but also tired and in need of an explanation.

And then she had went to the library again and buried her head in the magical shelves, wondering if perhaps if he were what he was despite not being able to speak or even think of the word yet there may be other explanation for things around her as well. And she had read a few strange pages, more browsing and words not sinking or her brain refusing to accept them. She had walked out with a frown, sun creeping down and heading to the coffee shop to get two black coffees so that Alexander may sit down with her while she ate cereal and drank vitamins she had bought. Her gaze was travelling through the street and the signs on the shops over her head, her stomach twisting in on itself from hunger for food and...

She caressed the glass of a window as she read the label on it and then looked down at the bracelet on her too thin wrist. She walked in, her mind not registering the closed sign and looked around with wide eyes. "Hello?" she called out, reaching out to caress the porcelain of a beautiful... vase perhaps. With intricate designs drawn on it, it made her thing of crochets and homemade meals put in china with scattered flowers on it.

#p:duncan #sdiwmdtw #hope this is ok!#and pls ignore the length i just needed to figure it out and it turned out too long #tw: implied abuse

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mirrorofprinces · 10 months

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Hi, I just want to tell you how much I am loving Off to the Races so far!! I am very patiently waiting for the next update, but since it is my birthday today, any chance you could share a snippet of the next chapter? Pretty please? 😁 💜

happy belated birthday! so sorry i missed this! i've been super sick and haven't been checking tumblr very often. hopefully this late offering is still ok <3

“Can I see Kinn’s room? Is it like mine?” Porsche asks.

Arm hesitates, adjusting his glasses. “Maybe later. He’s already headed out for his first meeting.”

Porsche deflates. “How many meetings does he have today?”

Arm consults his tablet, matching Pol’s. “Nine.”

Porsche sighs.

Arm gently plucks the file folder out of Porsche’s hand, opens it, and flips through the other loose papers. “Here,” he announces. “I’ve drawn up a list of things you can do on resort property. The entire staff has been briefed on your arrival as Khun Kinn’s guest of honour, so all activities, drinks, and meals will be complimentary.”

Porsche scans the page. There are a range of suggestions, from sunrise yoga on the beach, to hiking, to cooking classes that target foreigners interested in Thai cuisine. Some of these could be interesting. Especially if they’re free.

Then Arm hands him a second list. “And here are the events on Khun Kinn’s schedule that you’re invited to join him for.”

Porsche reads this list with more scrutiny.

Golfing. An afternoon at the spa. A walking tour of the resort facilities. Breakfast on Kinn’s balcony. Porsche bites back a laugh.

“Thanks,” he says, tucking the papers back into the file folder. “I think I’ll just hit the beach.”

#my writing #kinnporsche

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deepestbluesky · 5 months

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i was tagged by @minnarr to list my 5 favorite fics i've written! it's actually very funny to me, because i saw one of these posts yesterday from a writer i like very much who i've followed for ages, and then i got tagged today, and i realized the connecting thread is literally just one person in between. anyway!

note: in case you haven't looked closely at my ao3 page (or. not closely tbh. to my eternal regret, it's still my top fandom), i used to write hockey rpf. i don't anymore, because i think hockey and especially the nhl is morally bankrupt and actively harmful, and i no longer feel comfortable writing about nhl players or sharing fic about them. this is all to say: 1, i actually don't think i've explicitly said that before and it's important to me, and 2, i will not mention any fics from this fandom.

LUCKILY, i've somehow???? written a lot????? since then????? this continues to baffle me. how did i get here. (🎶letting the days go by🎶) (if you think, gee, did sky have trouble picking 5 fics? it has been fully half an hour and i'm still at 11 fics. the lengths i go to for tumblr posts that don't matter.) (have now picked fics, didn't take much longer bc i decided to try and go for a wide spread of fandoms, and also to pick the ones in that 11-fic list that had the lowest kudos lol)

give thanks to the broken bones. this is a batfam fic in which bruce wayne gets kidnapped as a civilian and dick grayson comes to rescue him. i have some defensive feelings about this and about the way dick and bruce's relationship is written here, but i often feel like i'm not great at writing complicated relationships that aren't just fluffy, and i feel like i nailed it here. also: gen fics.

tired of waiting for tomorrow to come. another batfam fic! this one a character study of sorts about jason todd and also my love letter about bruce springsteen's music. it's one of the most self-indulgent fics i've ever written and i'm really satisfied with it, even tho there are definitely things i wish i'd done differently too. i wrote a dvd commentary companion too so if you want Even More Of My Thoughts about it, they are on ao3 :D

daydreamers please wake up. there are goddamn NINE fics for this fucking fandom and mine is the LONGEST??? this is a fic for another dc comic, Far Sector, written by nk jemisin and drawn by jamal campbell. i loved far sector, i think it's gorgeous and fun and a cool sci fi story with very fun characters, and so when i had a chance to write a fic for it for yuletide, i was DELIGHTED. and then i realized i had to figure out how to write horror for the first time. it was a lot of work and i think it turned out really well.

don't let the stars get you down. this is a fic for the untamed, and it's jiang yanli and jin zixuan. i have now written TWO platonic marriage fics for the untamed, and i'm personally thrilled about this fact. this one is shorter but also, in some ways, more interesting to me. i really love fics that dig into jyl and what she's doing and thinking and i haven't written as many as i'd like, but that is very much what this fic is. also i just have so much love and affection in my heart for the idea of two people being married and having a kid while not being In Love and in fact having sex with and falling in love with other people.

you're a curious one. this is a word of honor fic, and it is, of course, hanwenzhou. so, to be clear, if you count shl/tyk/qy together, it's CLEARLY my second most written fandom. and yet it ended up with only one representative on this list, partially because i have more kudos in this fandom lol. but that said, if i was only gonna pick one, it had to be REALLY on brand, and this fic is PEAK sky is on her bullshit. inspired by a critical role scene with sexy dangerous vampire attacks. the whole fic is building tension that never quite resolves bc building the tension is way more fun to me than writing sex scenes usually. spoiler: everything is actually fine and there's a happy resolution. this concept still lives in my head rent free.

idk who to tag, so AS USUAL, if you see this and want to play the game, do it and say i tagged you! i am very serious, you can tag me even if we've never interacted. you can also not tag me but say you got it from me! whatever works.

#my fic #ask games

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ofhouseadama · 2 years

Note

Hell yeah, hand asks. 7?

7. dancing with their hands holding onto each other

"Do you ever regret it?" Julian asks.

It's late in the evening at the end of a very long day, at the end of a very long week. At the end of a very long thirty years--closer to forty, really. But thirty since he was paged down to the emergency department to examine a Human-Cardassian neonate, and brought her home at the end of his shift until a suitable foster family could be found... and Elim simply never let her out of his sight.

(Whether or not the eight abandoned infants before her who passed through their home during the wait for a suitable foster family get mentioned in the story depends on Elim's mercurial moods. But if they do, Sibel smiles and says that they were waiting for her.

Yes, moya dok'Sibella, we were waiting for you.)

He spent eighteen months working on her wedding dress, and cried silently this morning as he sewed her into it. Sibel and Julian had shared a glance, but only one. Tears weren't on short order.

"Regret what?" Garak asks, lacing their hands together and bringing them around to rest on Julian's lower back.

"That we never had a proper wedding."

At this point, Julian is very well-versed in proper Cardassian weddings. He's attended many in his time on the planet, of course, but after running the gamut that is the societal expectations and financial obligations attached to marrying off one of your good Cardassian daughters... and he wonders.

Humming, Garak pulls him even closer, swaying to the music. The band Sibel chose is made up of friends from university. They're... fine.

"My dear, as far as I'm concerned, we had a proper wedding."

Julian squints at him, allowing himself to be led. "You married me in my boss' office because we had to roll the dice on if Section 31 would abduct a Cardassian citizen so flagrantly off of Cardassian soil."

"The height of romance," he says, smiling archly. After a moment, he smooths his thumb down the back of Julian's hand. "Do you?"

He's wondered, over the years, if he'd rather they'd the opportunity to do something with their friends (not that Elim would ever, except under duress, admit that Kira and the O'Briens and Ezri were his friends) on Deep Space Nine. But what did they miss out on, really, besides Federation paperwork?

"I care substantially less about tradition than you do," he replies, because it's true enough. Shaking his head, he casts his eyes about the room for their other two daughters. Dressed in their bridal attendant finery, Lunara and Alyona are conspiring over glasses of liquor they'll regret come the morning. Julian wonders who has drawn their ire or meddlesome affection. "No, I never wanted a proper wedding. I would have done it, if you had cared."

"I didn't have the family to pull one off," Garak says, and that is that.

Bastards, orphans, and bastard orphans didn't have wedding ceremonies on the Cardassia of his youth.

"But Sibel does," Julian remarks, too lightly.

He lets himself look around the ballroom again. It's a strange family, it's true, with far-flung aunts and uncles and cousins of many different alien races. And Julian's certain that if thirty, thirty-five, forty years ago someone told Garak that he'd be dancing with that scrawny Federaji doctor at their eldest daughter's wedding, he'd have laughed bitterly and stuck them with a pin.

Garak huffs. "Yes, well... we did well in that regard."

#ask #anonymous #otp: there's hope for you yet #garashir #emily watches ds9 #fic

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tarotnoob · 2 years

Text

Kim Taehyung - tarot reading 6/24/22

This went longer than I thought - I did slightly go into potential "dating" stuff only because it was very strong in the cards, but I did offer alternatives in case it's not romantic.

Typos are the fault of Google voice to text.

Tarot, we have the hanged man clarified by the star, page of Wands clarified by five of cups, sun clarified by world and moon, emperor clarified by justice, king of cups, ace of cups and six of wands clarified by the devil. Back of deck is temperance, nine of cups, eight of pentacles and back of deck for clarifiers is four of cups ten of swords queen of swords tower, seven of cups

Oracles are inner beauty, star mother, mediator, detective and curiosity

If I'm honest with you this isn't what I was expecting so I want to go through it carefully because it's kind of complex but not. So, I will start with the page of Wands because it's connecting me to the detective and curiosity. This person would definitely have a strong sense of intuition. I think as people have said he has some type of vibe check that he goes by where he can just tell if somebody is using him or is being fake. I think that's about the level of what his abilities are is to immediately see if people are fake. I don't know if he can go so far as to pick out when people are lying but it's geared toward fakeness, I think.

I also get the impression that maybe he really likes detective stories. I think he dressed up as detective Conan, so it's interesting we got the detective card and this person is reading probably some type of thriller or detective thing. And since curiosity is here it's also like this desire to solve mysteries or an interest in mysteries not just books but probably in life like spiritual ones. I also see this as maybe potentially reading a script for a particular role or genre that he might want to act in. And that it might be some kind of mystery or thriller. But definitely if he reads or if he doesn't read books but reads manga or manhwa then I would say maybe they fit along this type of mystery theme.

I kind of wonder if the James Bond set up for the Grammys could have even been his suggestion.

So we have mediator gift for negotiating fairness and strategy in personal and professional life. Respect for both sides of an argument. That's interesting since that's very Libra energy. I didn't look at his chart to remember everything but I feel like he's predominantly a lot of earth. But, he might be a person who in real life with friends, does try to stay on the fence or doesn't try to take a side. That doesn't really seem to fit though. I think maybe I see it more as I'm surprised I didn't get the networker card because it feels more like that looking at the picture where he's in between to people and holding their hands, so to me it seems like more immediate or in the sense of going between people or like a people of two worlds that brings other people together from different fields or different walks of life. Like he would totally be a person that introduces you to other people or likes to be introduced to other people by so-and-so. And I think I also read this as somebody who is willing to be friends with any walks of life as long as they aren't fake or degrees of fakeness like superficial... that's not true because I think he would actually be okay with that You just can't be fake and you should be kind of interesting. But you should also be like sincere in your eccentricities. With the amaterasu I'm trying to think of what vibes this gives me. I know that she is a Japanese goddess but she literally looks like she's got the Korean traditional dress on because I was just watching 100 days my prince and the actress had on something very very similar.

This makes me feel drawn to acting again. I don't know why I get relationship vibes from lol. I try not to go into the relationship stuff but I'm picking up on acting things. Like, I know it just says inner beauty but I think this is about something else. I think this is about a romantic interest for him right now or in the past. It could have been a former castmate when he had a historical drama or another actor or somebody who is definitely Korean. And is very attractive. And would be famous and I am leaning actually more toward another actor but that doesn't mean it couldn't be another entertainer, but I they would have to be a performer who also acts. And would be very well known for their looks. It doesn't have to be romantic before some people start crapping their pants just reading that one sentence about him possibly having dated a woman or having dated anybody.

But to me, this is a close person. Like a best friend. Since we have the star mother card, sure it could be a female figure that had a prominent influence on him. But, if that is true, it is somebody who has passed. And I have temperance in the back with an angel on it, so when he talks about angels and stuff, I do feel like there is some presence here. And it seems like they are female, and I am inclined to say a mother or grandmother figure or a prominent female deity or spirit guide. But they feel bigger than a spirit guide, they feel really big lol. I don't know if that can be an ancestor but if he had an ancestor that was I would say a spiritual relative. As in like a mage or shaman. So, he might actually be a descendant of some type of shaman line. Ones that would have been able to see things and hear things and communicate with people on the other side.

I also wonder though what kind of relationship he has with his real life mother but I feel like this is more related to a romantic or strong platonic relationship with the female actress or actor/performer. And I'm not saying it's in the present, but it's something or it's even possible that if he is going to participate in some type of movie or series again, this could be someone he will meet on the set or already knows about.

I feel this so strongly. Whoever this person is, they are extremely beautiful, extremely kind, extremely talented, would have a really pretty smile and a really sweet laugh. Like I almost feel like I can sense their energy or something. And they're super cool. But it could be a friend so we'll just leave it at that. He's a pretty popular guy, I'm sure he has lots of friends and since people get really worked up about the members having personal romantic lives, that's probably where I'll just stop. I guess it's possible she could be Japanese or like Korean and Japanese. I almost want to say that you would be able to see her on makeup commercials. Which probably doesn't narrow it down but I'm not really familiar with Korean beauty commercials. Like maybe she also does modeling work. She might do music as well. There are tons of idols that do all of those though but this mirror that the figure is holding actually looks like a tambourine to me.

So I think okay so this could represent a friend or romantic interest of course and they are all of the same things that he is. there is the possibility it could just be a card that's a representing him and how he is a performer and actor and model and so on. But I still feel like there is someone else that is female that is the same thing as him. And I really didn't sit down with the intention of doing anything about romance but for me it's coming out pretty strongly and I have to share what there is. I'm not naming names because nothing is coming to mind and I'm not familiar with girl groups or a lot of female actors since I'm really only into BTS. And I don't always remember the names of actresses but she would be young. She would be at least 20s but she could be older. I would say early 20s to early 30s or somebody who looks really young for their age. And she's very confident. But she's super friendly and super fun to be around. Really good energy. I don't think she's like older older. Anyway.

I also feel like she's showing him something. Like showing him I don't know what. But she's showing him something or teaching something or giving him direction on something like advice or is even using her connections to get him connected to something else. Like if she was working on a film, she would say to the director or someone else hey how about him.

I don't know if I feel anything romantic on her end so like I said this doesn't have to be romantic, but there would be a lot of affection here. And a lot of support. And a lot of fun.

Moving on from whatever the f*** that was. Star mother. How can you mother yourself. I find this one very strange to come out for him so I'm going to clarify real quick.

Okay well the four of cups came out. This makes me feel like it's close to self-care. But it feels deeper than that. The star mother has her hand on her heart and there's a cup here that is not being accepted. So it's like some piece of the heart is missing and I see this person in the four of cups as being someone who's looking for it and meditating on where it's at. I don't see it as somebody offering him something to do with romance or heart and he's rejecting it. I feel like this is somebody who has lost a piece of their heart or is looking for something to fill that void. It kind of reads a bit like the hermit and the sense that it feels very spiritual, someone doing some soul searching about something that they are missing that I don't know how conscious he is of it but he is missing something that makes him feel complete. And I think it has to do with how he can take care of himself or love himself.

It also might be that he's ignoring some type of message that's trying to reach him from the divine. Like, it could be that if he has guides or angels or it could be a separate entity, that they're trying to reach him about something that they are concerned about but he doesn't seem to be listening. Or he hasn't connected the dots about something. But I think on like at least a soul level, he is in search of something. And the back of the deck after I got that four of cups is queen of cups so again it's like there's some emotional component that missing or there's some type of emotional reflection about something that is missing or waiting on something. I don't really know what it is but they're just might be some resistance to it. Like you know when a voice inside your head tells you something and you just kind of ignore it and do whatever. I think he's either consciously blocking it or unconsciously consciously blocking it.

It could be you know a pain or a painful memory that he wants to block out but my advice would be not to block it out and to actually deal with it because I think it's creating some type of hole in his heart. You know it's really weird is I went to fix a typo since I'm voice to texting and for some reason it brought up little icons and one of them was golf which I would never use as an emoji so it wasn't my recent emojis. And I know he has posted pictures of him golfing. I don't know what that has to do with the four of cups and the mother card but it's interesting that I just saw that.

I mean if it even matters it could be he's searching for hobbies or interests. How can you take care of yourself, maybe he can take care of himself through hobbies and pastimes where he can have fun. And so he's kind of looking searching through each cup if say we were talking about the seven of cups which I saw somewhere, and he could just be in the process of trying different things to see how it makes him feel.

I think there's more to that but I'm not really sure what to make of it but this could also be him doing meditation and he is connecting to his guides or he's connecting to anybody in the afterlife that he might want to speak to. But it's like this person in the afterlife has their hand on their heart and it's like they're trying to reach out to him and either he's not ignoring it or this simply represents him meditating and during that meditation reaching out to this person. It could be a little of both. But it is it's weird it's like the star mother is in another plane but then they're reaching their hand through the sky and offering this cup to the person under the tree and it makes sense because cups are emotions or feelings, so this is passing from the star mother into the other world. But I still get the sense that it's not completely getting through to him. But I think this person will keep trying.

And that inner beauty card as well kind of has that vibe of there's some type of light some type of message that she's trying to send with her hand and those rays of light and both of them are in these longer gowns and it's a very feminine energy. So even though I went on about a potential best friend female or whatever she is to him, I still also think he's got some type of female guide hanging around and trying to like guide him. And like I said she could be some type of shaman ancestor.

But I still think there's a friend out there that's female that's really cool and does a lot of similar things like he does. And maybe the guide works through this person or brought this person into his life to well we could go down that avenue but I won't.

But, if you were to see him on the set somewhere in the future doing something and seems to be getting along really well with the co-worker, that would be interesting. Whatever type of relationship it may be.

Okay so back on track. We have the hanged man that came out first, and it is clarified by the star. Both of them are extremely spiritual cards that the star represents a dream but it can also be a rebirth or healing. And the hang demand can be a pause or stop, it can also be about needing to go with the flow or have a change of perspective. Because it's next to the page of ones I am wondering more if it's a bit of a rebirth of sorts that is allowing for a new change of perspective. It's also probably allowing him a break to figure out some things.

Like I said he could be searching with that four of cups stuff that's going on. So this is a time since they are taking a break, where he can heal and he can take a pause, and I think it will help kind of change his perspective or shift his perspective on what he wants to do in life from now on or whatever he wants to do, he's probably just trying to figure out stuff by doing a bunch of different things. And I think he's very go with the flow in the sense that he'll try whatever. And it's not because he's completely spontaneous though he is, I think it's that he tries whatever he feels like trying. Like he's really pulled by his intuition, but I think his intuition is kind of like just a sense. I won't call it a gut feeling but it's like I feel drawn to that so I think I'm going to try it. It's more than a fire energy type of impulsiveness, it's a spiritual sense for stuff and then he's drawn in that direction and to me it feels like there's a purpose. There's like a guiding thing that either he is able to do because of whoever he was in past lives or he has a certain destiny that is very well guided and planned out and it would involve being this mediator that I talked about where he brings people together and meets other people and it's like he's a spider or something where he's connecting lines with people and he's making things happen without even realizing it.

Of course it's also interesting that the star has the seven minor stars around it, so I do feel like it's attached to BTS. The hanged man reduces to a 3, so on this path, for him there is a lot of abundance, creativity, and of course love.

I actually think it's a great time for him to work on anything that fills up a cup that would help fill up his self-love if that makes sense. And maybe he's being guided toward things that will fill that up for him and I think those things have to do with trying whatever he feels like he wants to. Just doing anything and everything that he feels sounds fun or yeah. Because they aren't serious things it's not like RM where he needs to sit down and read a philosophy book and think about the universe, this is basically like that's sounds fun so I'm going to do it but it looks like there's so much more going on than that. Like he might not realize it but I think he's doing some type of spiritual work with all of his networking. Like, he definitely must have come from a line of interesting people that had some type of spiritual power I think.

Okay so page of wands clarified by five of cups, that would make me think a new start of something that comes after a disappointment which of course the band is taking a break. They're not calling it a hiatus or a breakup but we'll see about that. So there is some grief here. It doesn't have to be just about BTS but since it followed the star with the seven stars on it, it's like maybe probably. But there could be tons of other moments of grief or disappointment, but I would think it's more recent because the page of Wands is the start of a new adventure. Somebody who is creative, fashionable, personable, there's travel here. There's excitement. And it's a fresh type of feeling like okay well there was a disappointment and that's that but guess what here's this other creative freeing start that's happening. So he might have mourned the situation, but there seems to be a sense of refreshing excitement freedom that's coming out of it.

Especially when now we move into the sun. Which is interesting because it's clarified by the world which can be success and completion, again travel. And then the moon also came out, so it could be about intuition or it could still be that lingering sadness that links it to the five of cups.

For one, I definitely see more travel for him. I think he just went to Paris maybe at this point. To a fashion show. I'm not sure if that's true or not but that's the last thing I read on somewhere. There is a sense of completion for him. I don't know what he thinks finished, but it's certainly coming up like a phase in his life has ended and it's a bit sad, but what comes next is a lot of exciting things and he seems excited for this next phase even if there's some lingering sadness. And I also again see this concept of him being drawn intuitively to things that just sound fun. The sun is here so it's a Leo card, there could also potentially again be more happening in the future for him that would involve public recognition for his projects or could literally be about some type of performance or acting since that's Leo.

I should look up his Saturn sign to see stuff I should probably look up his moon, but that doesn't really help me when I know the signs other than I can look them up individually but I could do that just looking up his chart. So he could have a fire moon or his Saturn could be in Leo or something watery. It doesn't really matter.

And then we have this emperor card which can be authority or a father figure or career or a sense of discipline, whatever. And clarified by justice, king of cups, ace of cups. That's interesting because we have the mediator card and we have justice and we have somebody like the king of cups who's very emotionally balanced, and then we have the ace of cups. Am I going to get shot if I say that it reads like getting married?

But, it can also be entering into a new era where he has more authority over the things that he wants to do or himself and it's a journey that's going to be about finding what he loves to do again, that refreshing rebirth, feeling really creative. And maybe just weighing some options of what he wants to do.

It's interesting though because we had that four of cups where the person was ignoring the cup and now we have an ace of cups being offered and the king has clearly accepted it and looks very happy about it.

I guess this could involve a Libra as well. Sometimes the cards are literal so I'm trying to figure out what the justice means and it could just be that there's some type of something going on with the Libra. I don't know if he would be like dating a Libra or if it's about a creative offer that has to do with work that's coming from a Libra. I mean of course Jimin is a Libra, so they could be working on something together. Or Libra is 7th house and that has to do with relationships, so again there could be something there.

Okay clarified that. So back of deck after I clarified is interesting because it's chariot 10 of wands and the death card. So that comes back to me thinking about an end and a spiritual reverse to something related to work, and again the chariot is a seven card so it seems like this portion is BTS related. And specifically the Justice card here is being clarified by two of pentacles which is balance or juggling priorities, seven of swords, and eight of swords. So that's a bit heavy. The seven of swords matches up with the 10 of Wands at the back of the deck in the sense that he seems to be caring something, sometimes I attribute seven of swords to bitterness or some type of negative feeling that we carry and becomes burdensome, especially when the aid of swords is popping out here too so it's like something is getting in the way and stopping him. And maybe that's why he's not accepting the cup.

I feel like the two of pentacles is more indicative here of somebody going around and round, maybe there's a cycle that he needs to break. It could be some type of karmic cycle that he has to break you know for his bloodline or for himself. But he seems to be carrying something that isn't so great and there's a cycle of it.

It could be a secret that he knows and is burdened by. It might have to do with BTS. I don't know in particular what kind of secret it would be. And justice can be the government, so can the emperor, so it could have to do with enlistment I guess. Because there's a sense of a cycle and it can't really be broken and you know there's a bit of a burden that has to be carried. Of course that would make me probably think of enlistment if he looks at it as a bit of a burden but it doesn't necessarily have to be that. It could be something a bit more. Because we have a lot of well the death card can literally be death and doesn't have to be birth or rebirth. But the ace of cups is certainly about birth.

It could be there's something creatively he wants to release, but for legal reasons, he hasn't been allowed to do that. It could be his mixtape or other works, but it's like he can't put them out yet because maybe he's contractually obligated to do it at a certain time or in a certain way. Or it could be that he wants to put it out but he's kind of like in his own head about it and feels stuck, and like trying to do too many things at once. But there is something new that wants to come out, it's creative or emotional, but it seems like we have two government cards kind of like hovering, so it does make me wonder if it's about contracts or enlistment.

Or, it could be about choices or weighing options. It's weird though because with the emperor this is somebody who has complete authority to make some type of decision, like with the justice here it's definitely like okay this powerful person has the option of creating laws or doing whatever. But, there's something off about it. It kind of reminds me of the supreme Court, like they have all this authority to do these things and a way choices, when you see the aid of swords and the seven of swords together it's not what it seems.

So since I don't know for sure and I don't want to clarify this to death, I guess we could look at the six of Wands which I put next to it. Which is clarified by the devil. He's a Capricorn, so there's that. Otherwise everything that the devil means, which fits well with eight of swords and a seven of swords. Because it's lying or deceit and mental blocks. And six of Wands is about public recognition and fame. But then there could be vices or certain relationships that could be meant to be a secret. Or, just something about his career path, maybe it's when you look at the two figures they are chained to this devil figure. So again I'm drawn to some type of contract or something that he can't get out of. And it doesn't well I mean when you look at six of Wands it could definitely look like a soldier, but of course it could also be about being a famous performer right.

Let me objectively interpret all these things that are happening in the way that they might fit. We have somebody who could be contractually obligated to accompany but it might be not allowing this person to reveal some type of creative content in the way that they want to.

If I took a relationship spin on it, it could definitely be having to keep a relationship secret for contractual reasons, or that doesn't really feel quite right though. It feels more like there's a lot or something that's being carried that's like bitterness or negativity and because of that somebody is stuck in these eight of swords and can't seem to get themselves out. The two of pentacles represents how this cycle seems to keep repeating where they can't escape something. We have the devil card which shows a person also chained to something which represents that pretty well. We have a card that indicates fame. And then the emperor can represent career or some person of authority or even government. So if you put all of that together, what do you get. You get a contract or you get someone also legally obligated to go into service.

We also have things showing a new phase beginning, one that could be creative or about self-love or love in general.

I do feel like there's a sense of time ticking down as well. I really don't know what's going on in terms of enlistment for them so I don't know if I should go into that because it could be somebody who's going to live it up before they have to enlist or It's a lot more simple than that and there's some type of karmic cycle that he needs to work through and breakthrough at this time in order to become more like the king of cups. And that would kind of make sense because we kept talking about he was missing his heart, missing this cup, so after all of this is done, he comes away as the king of cups. He found his super cup.

But, there seems to be a karmic cycle or burden around the search for the cup. I don't know if that means he has to go through some challenges before he can find it or if being able to find this thing is causing him a lot of grief and anxiety. It could be that it's even unconscious since we have the ace of cups here. And since justice is that karma or destiny, there could be some type of unconscious worries about a becoming this person. Maybe there's worry about becoming the king of cups for some reason. Maybe that's scary to him. Because it would be like I have to accept that I'm an adult. But, maybe something about a decision that's being made for him feels really unfair to him. Like it almost feels like maybe he's just starting out and just starting to get freedom and to maybe there's something else lurking there that's like I want to do that but I can't and I feel trapped so I can't fully enjoy it because I feel like my time is running out.

And that could apply to enlistment or it could apply to fame or something to do with BTS.

I kind of want to clarify the devil just to see if it's like hey reminding you that he's a Capricorn which how helpful is that, it's not. Of course Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and Saturn is that disciplinarian energy the father figure, often related to work. And it's sitting next to an emperor, so it whatever is going on definitely has to do with his authority at work or some type of authority figure. So we know this definitely has to do with his fame and how it ties to his work. But it feels like he feels chained to something about it or weighed down by it or there are vices connected to being famous for him. Maybe somehow that inhibits him from being able to find what he wants in his heart or to fill his heart. Like if he's looking for a relationship, maybe he hasn't been able to find one because of the way that fame or being a famous person gets in the way of something like that.

Because the devil can also be about unhealthy relationships. I mean it can be about sexuality or sexy times of course but it is like maybe he sees it as he can't fully do something because he's chained to his image. I don't think he would really care though. Like I don't think he tries to pretend to be somebody he's not. I don't think he shows even 80% of his personality to us but what he does show isn't fake. I just think there's lots of things we don't know about him that I could guess that just by having seen a few little snippets of it. But do you know anything about him and how he interacts with his actor friends? When they are alone and going out or hanging out in a hotel room? You could probably guess how some of the other members act but I don't think you could really guess how he acts.

Personally, he seems like the type of guy that I would want to get high with. Like super chill and kind of weird. Probably like pretty flirty. But he doesn't really drink though.

A final way I could interpret that mess is that he could feel chained to an image that he himself believes in that isn't truly him. In the sense that you know this is a very glamorous life, I want to have nice clothes and I want to fly this jet and I can hang out with celebrities. So there's more focus on those aspects of things as opposed to figuring out who he really is outside of all of that? Like if you took that all away, who would he be. And it's like he doesn't ever look at that as a question. Of course he doesn't have to because what's the point he'll always have that. I mean of course fame fades eventually but he'll always be v of BTS.

There could be another situation going on where he feels kind of stuck in the middle of it. Like if two people are arguing, it's not that he's not taking a side it's just that he could be kind of like stuck amidst it not really pushing for something and not not pushing for it. Just kind of like there. But like I said that card still feels like a networker card.

And with the detective card besides all of the stuff that I already said, it does seem like some part of him conscious or not is in search of something. Just like a basic truth of some type and following little hits and intuitive moments but it's like he's trying to find something out though. And like I said I think I have something to do with the heart space. It could literally be like who am I. And in place of the heart, it's a soul. Like who am I on that level, but maybe fame is sort of getting in the way of him being able to connect with that deeper spiritual part of himself. Even if he tries different things, it's like there's a disconnect maybe. Because look at the page of Wands and the 5 of cups. Even here this figure is looking at these three of cups and we have the page of Wands that's going in search of something. So he seems to be going in search of cups as well.

Didn't he say that he needed fire. But that's funny because it looks to me that he's in search of water.

I guess I could talk about the back of the deck which was temperance, which is balance or healing, nine of cups which is that emotional contentment or wish fulfillment. And then we have eight of pentacles which is about working on a skill.

Temperance is also a Sagittarius card, so there is an element of enlightenment or spirituality. So it does seem like somebody in search for some type of work or using that skill that they have to maybe find some type of deep spiritual healing that they want. So maybe through their songs or whatever work that he does in the future, he's looking to fill this cup. Because even in the temperance card which is a fire card, the angel is pouring the water into this cup. So it's up to him whether he wants to accept it like in the four of cups. He's clearly in search of it with the page of wands and five of cups. But in the five of cups, there's two other cups being ignored. So there could be a cycle of constantly looking at what didn't work out versus what is still available in the future. And there could be some type of chain weighing him down and reasons why he can't find this cup or see it or take it. I don't think he's found it yet. He's currently on the search for this cup.

I do think he can find this through his work. If he's making songs or acting. There's some type of fulfillment that happens only in those times. I also think traveling and learning things related to that, are also very fulfilling for him. That's interesting because Jimin had something similar come up in his reading. So I wonder if he and Tae might be working on something together. Or following some type of similar path. And like I said there is potential for maybe that they are doing some type of collaboration.

Because there is like learning something new and maybe travel could be incorporated. I don't know how that works other than if there's things tied to work that he's doing but they're still an element of tropical involved and through that combined experience, there's some type of emotional fulfillment on a spiritual level that is coming from that. And I actually even if he was sad about whatever BTS is doing behind all of the PR words, that there is a sense of freedom here. Like maybe he feels guilty for feeling excited about this new phase because he's been attached to BTS and he loves them, but he's not really seeing this as like that bad. He feels super free to do all kinds of things that he wasn't able to do before and was locked down just like with this devil card. And now he's got like this temperance card with the wings out and there are a lot of cards that indicate like rebirth and new perspective and fun and joy and travel and excitement.

It's definitely clear that he was sad about it but I don't think it's going to last very long. I think he sees the potential in this phase for himself and maybe for others.

I think he's curious to find what's out there and he's already started doing that, he might not realize that that curiosity is coming from his soul and his soul is pushing him to find this missing piece.

This whole sun and then clarified by the world and the moon is interesting even though it still feels like the hanged man in star and then it feels like all that stuff that came out to clarify the justice which was clarifying the emperor. They're all basically saying the same thing that there's a sense of completion and a bit of sadness to it but then there's like now we're going to have some fun times. Kind of like imagine being with a partner for a long time and it didn't work out for whatever reason, you get a divorce.

It is sad for a time, but then suddenly you change your perspective and you're like okay well I'm excited for the single life or I'm excited to now meet the love of my life. It's that kind of feeling like I'm sad for a little bit, but then I realized that I have all these shiny opportunities out there for me and this is really fun and I didn't get to do this before and I'm really enjoying it. That's kind of what I'm feeling like he felt pretty locked down with BTS and couldn't do everything that he wanted and now he's like ready to do it. I wonder if anybody even has to tell him you know you probably shouldn't look like you're having too good of a time lol cuz people might get the wrong idea. But I mean there's more mourning in here. There is sadness and attachment to the past.

There may also be this feeling that you know a piece of my heart just got ripped out or lost and now I have to find it in some other way again. Like it might have felt whole with BTS for a time. But there are other cups out there for him that he needs to fill. And from a sole perspective, it looks like his soul wants him to be more of a king of cups. Someone emotionally mature, somebody who's calm, somebody's who's a good listener, somebody who is creative and intuitive. I'd be curious to know what his south-node is and if his North one might be water. But like I said it seems like his soul is in search of water. I'm pretty sure that I've said before that I thought he was a lot of earth and would have required somebody with water or like air water.

But there is a lot of water imagery here and yet there's a lot of fire.

And overall I do feel like he's pretty forward focused. There might be a brief pause here to like adjust to some new things, but he's ready to do stuff. I feel like he could also be really curious about what lies ahead. There isn't as much sadness or deep introspective thinking as there was for Jimin. Here, it feels like the grieving process is a bit quicker maybe because it already started a while ago for him. And now he's not like okay I'm attached and sentimental about the past. That's Jimin. I was thinking energy wisely.

That JK is starting to remind me of Tae in terms of energy. I can't really describe that to you but I will say that I haven't felt that they were similar like that since they were younger. But and they are both earth signs so of course they're going to have some similarities. But, for me their energy is a bit similar in that they seem eager for what lies ahead in the future in terms of opportunities.

However, their approach feels different. Like JK seems to want to have more control over what he is going to be doing to the point that it feels really tightly wound. And I almost am sensing that that could be bad for JK in the long run because how do I put it, it's not very organic. It's being very consciously controlled about what he wants to do which could make sense with the Virgo. They're about the details. Capricorns are a bit different. And I do feel like Tae It's still a bit more spontaneous and relaxed about his process. But I do think both of them have similar outlooks in terms of there's not a huge sentimental attachment to the past beyond what you would expect. There's more excitement about future opportunities and projects.

Jimin is somebody who would need a longer mourning period. Because he's a sentimental person. He is an air sign sun and moon so there's a lot of analyzing and process that goes on in his brain until he can figure out how he wants to feel about something lol. Like and I also think that with him there was a lot of loyalty to the group, so it's almost like he's a traitor if he goes out and becomes a solo person but the other two don't really have a problem with that. Especially JK. I know that might make me sound like I'm making him seem cold, but it's not like that. It's just that he's young and he's ambitious and he's very talented, so he has probably not been able to do all of the things creatively that he's wanted to do over the past few years because of the pandemic. And now he's like hitting the ground running but it's almost like if somebody were to do that but after 10 Red bulls. So it's like he might be setting himself up for some type of collapse at some point.

Whereas with Tae he kind of has a more meandering, float into things, drop things here and there and figure out what I like. He kind of like flows like water I guess. Whereas JK feels very much like fire. And jm is just a whole hot mess of air.

I will tell you that I read vibes and energy pretty damn well. So a lot of this is coming from that. And I'm surprised by some things in Tae's cards here. But, like I said just in terms of energy as things are now, I feel like JK is pretty tightly wound and I have some worry about him in the future, like I said where he might fly too hard into something and he won't be able to bounce back or will be surprised by hitting a wall. That can go for a lot of different things, I have some scenarios in my head, but it just feels different. His energy used to feel warm and more open. But now it doesn't feel as much like that. It just I don't know what it feels like. Maybe he closed off some part of him that was open before but we will just call it something akin to determination and ambition. But I think there's an overabundance of it. And I think he's going to hit some type of crisis after going too hard.

In terms of Tae It's just a matter of him finding some ambition. Because he has the thing that he's missing that he's in search of but I don't think he has a dedicated plan on how to find it or where to find it, but I feel like he's actually sort of lucky and even if he doesn't put a whole lot of effort into finding that, his guides might come into redirect him to where he needs to be. But, how long can they do that because in theory, they should be guiding him towards some type of self authority where he takes on the responsibility of doing whatever he needs to do or finding whatever he needs to find.

With Jimin. So, transparently, he's my bias. That's because I feel the strongest spiritual connection to him and when that happens, there's something that I see in a person that's a bit special. All of the members are special don't get me wrong but he is the closest one to my wavelength. So I can tell when people are creatively talented. And I'm not saying the others aren't, I'm just saying that I recognize him as a writer I think. That's what I'm drawn to him. He is a storyteller. And I have all the faith in the world that if he writes songs not just for himself but for other people eventually, but if he writes songs, they are going to blow your mind when he puts out an album because they will be so relatable and personal to his situation and then the performances attached to it will be amazing.

But like he has to get over himself in the sense that it's okay to be a solo person it doesn't make you a traitor. He could be using that as an excuse to get out there. I've read other readers say it's something like you know since he's a Libra, he's worried about showing a certain image that would be different to BTS. I don't know what that would be and I'm not doing a reading on him just the second about it, but I mean we've seen him get pretty sexy and he's only getting sexier, so maybe he thinks if he gets kind of raunchy and writes about sex then army wouldn't like that. Because I mean what else could somebody do that would make them worry about tarnishing an image they have of him or of BTS.

And Libras do tend to worry about what other people think because they don't want to make anybody upset or unhappy. So they can have that tendency of feeling like they should conform so as not to rock the boat.

But all three of them seem to be in some various phases of clicking to the next phase where there's a lot that they can do. And all three of them have different ways of approaching it. But I would say JK and Tae are similar in some ways in the sense that I think they will accept this separation from BTS a lot more quickly than JM.

Which is kind of funny because jm could put out something immediately huge I think. Whereas the other two will kind of work up to a certain level with their stuff, maybe with one going slower than the other. But jm Will probably take his time figuring out some things before he drops his album.

But he's also like surprising. So he could wake up one day and be like okay I'm over it I'm ready to do this. But I think mentally there's probably some loyalty block.

I don't know if you saw this one episode of what is it called something men brothers whatever that show is in Korea and they went on as a group several years ago and they played some games and then RM kind of like sold them out and then he went to the other team which was all of the older guys on the show and jm made such a big deal he was like you're a traitor you left the group lol but he was being kind of serious

Maybe he's a Leo rising. Because he's got loyalty things happening with him but maybe that's I was about to say a Gemini trait since I relate to that aspect of him but Gemini are not very loyal.

Anyway, so those three are similar in age so it's not surprising that their path right now seems kind of similar. I'm sure if I did the older members, it would be a bit more progressed because they put out individual projects already and they feel comfortable with doing that. Jin I don't know. He might not have a lot that he wants to do after this but maybe he has to enlist as well so.

But yeah I think that's about all I want to go into.

Although I lied because it's interesting that when I look at the sun and the moon which both came out connected to each other plus the Saturn or world card, they all have to do with being looked at and having attention. The dogs are looking at the moon, the sun is that thing where the planets all revolve around it, in the world, this person is basically in the wreath and it looks like photograph and everybody's watching the figure.

So that portion could also be the sun represents him when he first started with BTS and how the world has watched him since he was a kid basically and that phase has come to an end.

So let me put the clarifiers away and just look at his original tarot and cards.

There are two cards that represent being kind of fixed and stuck, the emperor and the hangman because they're both sitting there they can't really go anywhere. But then we have the page of Wands which represents travel and a sense of adventure, the six of Wands also represents travel or notoriety or fame, the sun gives that too because it's got that Leo feeling as well.

So part of it is maybe feeling stuck like I said because of the fame, feeling like you couldn't completely come out and show the real you. But now, there is a sense of showing something. It's creative, it's out in the public spotlight, there's success, there's fun, there's passion, there's adventure, there's a lot of creativity, there's almost like an inner child is being let loose to go find their heart now. Obviously he cared about BTS and that time, but now is really the time for him individually to go find what he loves to do.

There's lots of emphasis here about searching and being curious and one figure is pointing toward the future and another figure is covering her heart, and then we have spiritual and emotional fulfillment through doing some work or learning different skills again.

But the mediator could also represent feeling kind of stuck in the middle of a transition, which makes sense. So this is just a new type of beginning but at the same time I do feel like there was a feeling of being stuck or under the thumb for a long time so it might be some adjusting for him to figure out what it's like to be as just himself as an individual as opposed to a group.

It's also interesting that the mediator card is very purple. Even the detective card is also purple. The star mother card is purple with some blue. And purple besides being you know the BTS color is crown chakra. So there's a lot of spiritual stuff happening for him I think. I think there's also clarity happening because when I look at the hanged man there's like a sun behind him right and that's to represent enlightenment into change of perspective and the enlightenment that comes with that into the sun is also about clarity so we know that there's a sun on this figures head, so there's mental clarity that's happening for him right now.

And I think it has to do probably with discovering and searching for whatever makes him happy. Especially with work, but also just having more authority over his own choices and his image and what he wants to do in relation to any aspects of a career that would put him in the spotlight. But, it may take some time for him to figure it out because the emperor in the hanged man are just kind of chilling.

And then the page of Wands is getting ready and then the six of Wands comes in and we see movement and we have the child figure on a white horse as well. So the two cards that have any type of movement or progression, both have people riding a white horse. They also are both cards about success and public recognition and being in the limelight.

What I could also say about his personality is this is somebody who really likes attention lol. Like they really would bask in being famous in the limelight. Which there's nothing wrong with that of course. I'm just saying this is definitely coming through in those cards.

And maybe it has something to do with his inner child and needing a certain amount of attention or maybe just ever since he was a kid he always wanted a bit of attention, this is also somebody who would get attention by doing silly things. Like look at this naked baby on a horse, like that's totally him. And with the cute sunflowers in the hair, just kind of like childish in some ways and innocent like that sort of attention. Just like when a kid needs attention.

And that could come from not having attention from family when he was growing up as well so there's the potential for you know needing that validation through the public. But I still feel like in a sense that sometimes that desire for that superficial attention could get in the way of his soul growth and it's like his soul is searching for that cup but he's kind of just searching for attention. But the things that he goes toward might be an attempt to unconsciously fill that cup. But probably it's not sustaining for very long. So he's still in search of that.

I also still feel like there's stuff that he hides pretty well from the public eye. Like you will only see what he wants you to see of him through his Instagram or wherever. But the figure in the detective card is kind of hiding behind this book so you only see a little bit of them. You just see their eye looking through this hole.

So there's a sense of mystery to them but also I think you know this is how he probably looks at other people kind of with this side eye. All of these cards are really fashionable as well so that's not surprising.

There's also probably a lot of pride and maybe defensiveness that comes through that because I see some very proud characters. All of them except hanged man

So he's chill but he's also really prideful and loves the attention but there's a lot more to him than he shows. Almost like, with the detective and the picking up the one eye, it reminds me of the curiosity card where there's this door open and a light on the other side. It reminds me of something Blue Moon punch said in their recent OT7 reading but within that reading they did several individual readings including four Tae. And they talked about how there's this room that soul version of him has always put himself in that went from a bunker to a fancy prison cell, and looking at the door it makes me think of that fancy prison cell and if you opened it and you could set that soul version of him free. It even looks like the book in the detective the way that it's even the same color and it looks like it's opened in the same way but then you're also peeping through the book just like you could peep through this door. I don't know specifically what that means with him.

I guess he could be an exhibitionist lol or somebody who likes to watch I guess a lawyer there we go. That's funny because the shadow attributes of the detective actually say voyeurism. So if you wanted to know what kink he might have, there you go. He might like to watch.

I want to say this could just be about you know when you open a door to the next phase and then you're kind of excited about you want to know what lies ahead, but if I'm honest with you if feels like it could be a bit darker than that but outside the point and going into it. It kind of gives me devil vibes...

But it can go back to some of these messages about clarity as well. I mean sure he could have a voyeurism kink but there's a sense of going to the light and being able to see the truth or find something out.

That's way longer than I meant to do and I talked about things that I didn't even want to talk about or have no interest in talking about but sometimes the cards kind of demand you talk about it.

But if you ask me if overall he seems happy, I would say yes. I think he's probably having a lot of fun right now. And I think he's going to keep exploring stuff that seems fun to him. I think if he releases stuff, it might be a bit of a slower process, but he'll want to release something because he wants to have recognition from things that he puts out. And I don't think he would be able to go very long with how having that feedback from others.

It's amazing that he's a Capricorn, cuz he has so much fire energy. Granted Capricorns can be very ambitious and focused on career without hardly even trying so it can come off as fire energy probably. But like I said I still feel like he's in search of some type of soul or heart fulfilling something. And I don't think he's found it yet and I'm not sure if he knows entirely have it look for it either.

Because he gets maybe distracted by the stuff that comes with fame. Whether that's vanity or pride. Or not just that but how that could mix in and confuse something is about what we want and what we're here to do. It's not just about an ego getting out of control because we're famous and blah blah blah. I think no matter who you are, even if you don't realize it, that can actually create a lot of doubts and insecurities to the point that it could distract from figuring out your soul journey. Because I'm sure BTS was a big part of every member's soul path in this lifetime but they can't be BTS forever, so what do they do individually after BTS that could keep them satisfied and who knows, maybe BTS isn't the peak of their path which is amazing to say but there are other things that they still have to fulfill while they are here. So, yeah.

#kim taehyung #taehyung #v #bts #tarot reading #work #relationships #spirituality #spirit guides #angels #maknae line is mentioned #entertainment purposes only #nothing is fact only interpretations #post proof #post break or hiatus or whatever it is

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