#I hate my brain dude doesn't work properly and i hate it

[mermaidsirennikita]

Hmm... you know what you said about people not actually reading books they claim they've read? I feel like this can basically apply to most media. We're living in the tik tok generation attention spans and media literacy have never been lower. I know people who watch everything speed up or they fast forward through movies and shows or they watch those movie plot summary videos on youtube and facebook and count that as watching the actual movie! (big yikes) I saw my sister the other day watching Friends via tik tok clips despite the fact we have the whole show on dvd. This is how people consume media nowadays and it's worrying!!

It's true lol. And I won't pretend to be super invested in everything I watch, but if it genuinely doesn't interest me I'll just kinda stop and move on (when it comes to shows--with movies I usually soldier on unless it's REEEEALLY bad).

Me and my lovely lady friends have had a movie watching group for... like four years now (since right before the pando lmao but the pando made it a lot bigger) and I think that our commitment to watching trash, amazing, and mid things (we've given up on VERY few movies) has made me believe even more that you need to watch or otherwise something before really getting into the discourse. Like. I just said I watched The Bear season 1 (or near to it) and decided it wasn't for me. But I absorbed like, none of that show lmao. It REALLY wasn't for me. So while I can say "I didn't like The Bear", I don't feel like I consumed it, so I can only say on the surface level what didn't work for me, and maybe what I dislike about it on a cultural level (see: the way romance arcs are handled and discussed in the media).

But if I REALLY wanna get into critiquing? I'll watch it. Maestro was such a bad movie. So hard to watch. It wasn't even so bad it's funny, it was just bad. But now I can tell you that with an informed eye, because I WATCHED IT. And there have been movies that have surprised me, too! We just rewatched one of my all time favorite movies that only us and Adam Driver's wife have seen, The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. That movie is so weird! We only watched it because Adam looked good in it! And it's AMAZING to me. I LOVE that movie. I also love so many random little movies people trash. I hate movies like Wonka yet I get through them so that I can properly drag them with an informed heart.

I feel like a lot of people have really lost the ability to invest time and thought. I mean, I know this because Zaslav has asked creators to make things that don't require attention from viewers. For HBO Max, dude. When HBO has been the home of shows that offer so much more nuance than the initial dialogue, based on line readings, expressions. Succession's dialogue, for example, is practically incoherent at points on paper. I mean, Roman Roy sounds so sadistic on paper lol. But when you see Kieran Culkin deliver his dialogue, there is a totally different read, and you see what Jesse Armstrong was actually trying to convey.

I also think this is one reason (other reasons are cultural lol) that people give such surface level readings even when they do consume the content. Like, if you've trained your brain to only read into the most straightforward, "the dialogue and actions are the single truth, there is no other truth, there is no other meaning than EXACTLY what is being done and said in a literal manner"... You are almost never understanding what truly great work really means.

I mean, I just discussed this re: Dreaming of You. Derek Craven stealing Sara's glasses is not meant to convey "Derek Craven is a tool". That is a completely surface level reading. Kleypas is conveying "Derek Craven is obsessed with her" and honestly? Some character work about his background (he steals impulsively because it's super easy to him because even though he's rich now he had to grow up stealing shit because he was LESS THAN dirt poor) and the way he sees the world (he wants her, he doesn't think he can have her, he covets her, and what he does when he covets is take, through theft if need be). And I don't know, probably some subtextual shit about stealing Sara because she's engaged and shit, but that's more interpretive lol.

And I don't expect people to get as granular and obsessive as I do, because a) I am super analytical by nature b) I am A Nerd c) I write a lot so layered meaning is something I'm obsessed with. But like... in the above example, the MOST BASIC reading of "he wants her so he took her glasses because he doesn't think he'll see her again" is so obvious lol. Lisa leads you to that reading. I think he literally has internal dialogue like "he'd never see her again so whatever" while holding the glasses.

The same with the Succession example. If Roman shakes off his dad's weird abusive comments going "it's whatever" you shouldn't go "Roman is devoid of emotion" lol, you should be able to pick up Roman actually deeply caring based on the line reading and expression and a million other line readings before that.

I don't know, dude. Just take the time to consume shit. Not everyone does have a lot of time, I get it. So consume fewer things. Take more time. It's okay. You don't have to be on top of the cultural moment all the time, and if you're faking it to be in it, you're not getting the full experience anyway.

[venturismcdonald]

Derek Venturi has ADHD, a fact we've all acknowledged. (Casey might too but that's for another day, said as an ADHD high achieving, type a girlie myself.) And in my making of a Derek Venturi Pinterest board and refining of the Spotify playlist, I have come to several conclusions about his hyperfixations, so here they are, organized by age.

Age 3: Hockey. Hockey sticks around forever, but when he's three is when Derek becomes permanently obsessed. It is, by far, the coolest sport ever. Nothing about hockey is lame. Unlike his parents, who do not properly appreciate hockey or Derek's genius to make a hockey rink out of the living room.

Age 5: Space. It's this vast, neverending thing and there's all these stars and constellations and it just clicks. Derek learns how to read because he wants to know about space. Planets and how they work and stars and their meanings consume his every waking thought for months.

Age 6: Greek gods/mythology. Look, alright, he's not a religious dude. It's weird. Not Derek's style. But gods are so cool and dysfunctional and everything that a good story should have! There are affairs! There's incest for some reason (gross!)! There's curses and everything that he loves! They have stories of stars and it's awesome.

Age 7: Norse gods. These are cooler than Greek gods (no offense to Zeus), because Thor is literally in Derek's comic books. Comics are obviously cooler than whatever the gods are. Not to mention, they have similar star amounts.

Age 8: Superheroes. Abby and George can't stop fighting and Edwin keeps crying and Derek hates everything, so he retreats to the world of his comics with Ed by his side. The comics are great! They're easy, stop tears from happening (which, by the way, is the only thing he cares about), and not to mention, fricking awesome. Superheroes are objectively the coolest. His favorite is, obviously, Batman. The dude has everything.

Age 10: Smarti. Look, alright, there's a baby and a dissolving family and the baby's the thing being used to try and cobble it back together? Fuck that! Derek loves his Smarti more than anything and he will not let her be a pawn in the dysfunction of the Venturi household, which leads him to essentially parent her when the parents are fighting. Someone pay him for his labor, he's literally begging.

Age 11: Girls. Derek is not a romantic, by any means, but he likes the attraction and kissing (and more than kissing, but that's after he's hit at least 14) and the game of dating. It's great. There's always girls lining up to be with him. He's never bored.

Age 12: Subculture history. How the fuck Derek Venturi ends up at a punk show is something even he doesn't know. But it's cool and he starts becoming obsessed with the bands and the history until his room is covered in posters and he's got CDs of them everywhere. He is, obviously, not a punk though, because Derek's cool. If anything, he's more grunge.

Age 13: Film. Being a director seems to bring all of Derek's best traits to the foreground, but if he's going to be successful, he needs to watch movies. So he spends every weekend watching movies with the boys before going to a party. At his core, he's pretty sure he turned into a film obsessed nerd for a year of his life. Thank god he's still Derek, god of everything.

Age 14: Music. He learns to play guitar for a girl, but decides to keep up at it because it's fun. Music is cool, it's a good way to vent his frustrations with everything. Did he mention that it gets girls?

Age 15: Casey. The alien specimen moved in and didn't only take over his house, she took over his brain! What a bratty princess. Was it not enough to have to share a room and legally bonded parents with her? It's so unfair. This hyperfixation sticks around forever, but it's also originally a hyperfixation.

Age 16: Pluto. When asked about the fateful weekend where Derek had his Casey induced breakdown (now he has feelings for her, which is so inconvenient, and why are they so strong?! He doesn't want that, he likes easy. Casey is not easy), he will say it was because Pluto wasn't a planet anymore, which is valid because it played a role too. The worst weekend of his life, by far, was that one. Because of Pluto, not Casey!

Age 16: Anti Football Propaganda. Derek's never liked football, but when he's 16, that hatred consumes him for several months. It dies when Casey and Max's relationship does. There's no correlation. Obviously. He just hates football!

Age 17: Love. For the first time in his life, Derek's in a (gag) serious relationship. And he's in love with Sally. Love is weird, though, because it feels like his brain normally does, just with more emotions he's acknowledging. Love is a hyperfixation, is it not? The devotion of keeping oneself in love with someone, putting them first, it's that. Obviously.

#dasey #life with derek #ry rambles #derek venturi #stopping at 17 because thats when the show does and im not creative enough to add more #but like. derek is so smart and definitely has a lot of random knowledge so he kicks ass at trivia.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

most of all, I'm hoping that now that I'm getting some actual medical help, my mother will actually start believing me and allowing me accommodations without me having to have a violent meltdown and suicidal episode to get it because I'm triggered insanely bad. Like maybe me asking for stuff to prevent an episode IS the warning. I'm sick and tired of getting my requests and needs ignored until I have a whole ass emotional break and psychotic episode and risk harming myself because my mental state is so fucking fragile when I tried so damn hard to get me that help to AVOID THIS EXACT SCENARIO.

And maybe she'll actually start helping me get some things to aid my mobility, but who knows. I'm mostly surviving until I can move in with MA and he'll help me out, bruh. Dude. I cant. I effing cant.

I'm just so sick and tired of doing everything I can to protect my mental and physical state just to avoid some really bad episode. And with the shit I'm uncovering now, like, dude. No wonder I have such insanely bad control issues. This bitch is so much more unstable than previously thought. I try so damn hard to avoid insanely bad episodes whether it be physical pain or emotional crisis/distress and my parents don't take it seriously. Then I have a whole episode cause I'm pushed to the fucking edge and then they blame me for not controlling my emotions. I wish I could just fucking scream about all the stuff that is going on in my head, but they wouldn't get it. They barely get my anxiety, let alone if I opened up about other shit. And when I DID open up about delusions or hallucinations, my mom just brushed it off cause she experienced that too. Either she does not feel it to the same degree or she does and that's ALSO WORRYING but she doesn't see it that way or both. Like girl. I mean legitimate hallucinations and delusions. It ain't good if you're experiencing that too. But what do I expect.

I just hope this will improve my living situation until I can move in with MA and we can work together to properly accommodate me since they actually fucking believe me and don't treat me like I'm lazy and bratty and unwilling because I'm in severe pain or I am dissociated as fuck and barely feel alive. My fucking plant is less fragile than me.

Just so tired of being pushed to the edge then treated like a monster and like I'm crazy. Like thanks. You're worsening the fucking things some of my alters tell me which only makes me wanna rot even more.

Like it's been a good while since a bad episode has happened thanks to them questioning me when I'm in an extreme brain fog and dissociated state and just asking for help since I'm in so much pain. But dude. It still hurts. It still fucking hurts and makes me mad. I can't wait to move out and actually get to feel alive because someone actually fucking looks at me like I'm a person that needs help and can't do it all myself. Cause I'll be with someone that is going to help me and reassure me over the tiniest things that I've been guilted over for before. That we'll actually work to get me mobility aids and I can't wait until the day I can move around and do more because I don't have to force myself to walk as if im a perfectly functional human being with a perfectly functional body. I'm just so tired of being mistreated then made to feel like I'm crazy and I'm the abuser because I was neglected and had my physical and mental issues overlooked and blamed on me for years so much so I would punish myself. And you know what's sad? Even typing this...I feel like I'm a terrible person and I'm hating myself. I feel sick. I hate that I'm made to feel this way cause of how I've been treated since I was literally fucking 3 and 4 years old. Not to mention the system shit that I don't ever want to get into publicly due to the distress it causes me and the asshole alters in here.

#negative emotions #disabled #fatigued #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #chronic illness #heds #hypermobile ehlers danlos #system #plural #plural system #traumatized #actually narcissistic #actually disabled #actually autistic #actually traumatized #rant #angry #sick of the fucking neglect and mistreatment #stop holding me to these high standards that my fucking broken ass can't reach #ableism #exhausted #brief suicide mention #suicidal mention

[akajustmerry]

feeling v down about health stuff so I'm just venting </3 cw: ocd mention

I would love to not feel as angry and depressed everyday as I do rn like I literally do hate feeling this way and how it makes everyone around me feel because I don't have the usual energy I do to be positive about myself and by extension most things. and I know it makes me shitty to be around some days. but it's so hard to be in my body rn and it has been for so long!!! but I feel like I can't even explain the sources of what's making me feel like this without sounding like an asshole and most of them are to do with ongoing health complications that don't have solutions yet so talking about them actually makes me feel worse on 2 different fronts. the second being even when I've tried to broach it, people just say something to the effect of "oh well, you could have something much worse like me." and it's like...yeah thanks sorry. another element is I literally have the brain disorder where not having control of yourself makes you lose it (ocd). so not being able to have any dimension of control over my health BECAUSE of my own body no matter what I do is a fucking nightmare and I've just been in that nightmare for years now, with frequent periods, shitty insulin, anaemia, etc. none of the treatments I've been put through including surgery and multiple med trials do ANYTHING. and in the meantime, I look and feel less well about myself. At most ppl are like, "don't blame yourself" and it's like, dude, my own body is doing this to me!! my own body is literally putting me through this because it's not working properly. there is no one else to blame!!!!! And it's inescapable!!! Everyday!!! So yeah I feel sooooooo down and so self-hating but I can't really say that because it's for reasons that sound do privileged and menial to people around me so I just try to joke about it or not talk about it and then cry in the shower and as I go to sleep about it until I wake up in this body again and it starts again. I can't remember the last time i felt even neutral about my body because everyday it's like, just trying to circumvent how it's not working with mandated meds and food plans and painkillers and it doesn't change for the better despite all that effort. It just sucks and I'm sorry I suck because it sucks truly I wish I didn't <\3

#personal #tbd #not to mention I'm still so upset about finding out my friends did a whole ass trip to Ireland together and didn't even tell me

[thecasualcomicsreader]

Legion of Super-Heroes: Archives Vol 1 - Pt2

Here we are, the bombastic return of the Legion of Super-Heroes! In real world time between their first appearance and this one about a year had passed. It's kind of hard to find information as to why exactly it took a solid year for the Legion to return considering how well received they had been. Although, as mentioned in the previous post, it took about the same amount of time to properly introduce Kara's Supergirl after the first Supergirl outing. So I can only assume it just comes down to how the comics pipeline worked at the time. This second time around, much like Supergirl, the Legion seems to have found it's ongoing identity. At least in a visual manner. So I can only assume that more brainstorming happened behind the scenes to really solidify them a bit better after the popular response they had gotten.

Unfortunately, that's kind of all there is to say about this issue beyond my thoughts on the story here. Despite being the big return of the Legion, it's kind of feels like a nothing filler kind of issue. It's still wacky, but it doesn't quite feel like a big return. At least from my own perspective. It more or less feels like a story written to simply acknowledge that they weren't a one off thing. Because, despite visually being more in-line with what the Legion would become, it doesn't really do much with the Legion and if anything paints them in a bad light. At least as far as this modern day reader is concerned. Maybe I need to read more Superboy comics in general for some context because maybe this is just an ongoing theme with Superboy, but this is the second story where the Legion comes in to punch down at Superboy it feels. It's not exactly the most endearing thing, I'll be honest.

But either way, lets jump into it!

ADVENTURE COMICS #267

So the story starts with a plane crashing, but no worries Superboy is on the way to help! Or, well, he WAS until Cosmic Boy jumps in and pushes him aside to save it instead. After the fact Superboy extends his thanks and says he's happy to see Cosmic Boy again, to which Saturn Boy coldly responds that he "wishes he could say the same" which confuses Superboy. The bystanders watching this go on to poke fun at Superboy for being jealous that a new teen hero is on the scene to which Superboy immediately shoots back that it isn't but holds himself back because he knows that if he pushes it it'll just make them believe him less.

Later in the day another crises breaks out where a robot crashes out of a "science exhibition" and is running amok as his controls are jammed. Superboy surmises that it'll be an easy job, when Lighting Lad flies in and "explodes the brain" of the robot with his electricity. Superboy, again, gives his kudos and Lighting Lad outright ignores him. To which, again, bystanders claim that they like this new hero much more than Superboy. To which Superboy wonders why the citizens of Smallville are suddenly turning their backs on him.

Superboy can't ponder it for long though as another crises breaks out right next to him. A captured criminal had overpowered a detective and was holding him hostage with a gun. When a, now pink outfitted, Saturn Girl flies in and makes the criminal think the gun is a snake with her mind powers and so he drops it and the detectives recapture him. Superboy, once again, gives his kudos to Saturn Girl who basically tells him to piss off. To which the bystanders are now actively calling him a has-been.

Even Clark's own parents have become nasty to him. He goes to them to try to confide in them what's been going on and they just yell at him that he's just whining about slipping. Like, ouch dude.

Thinking everyone hates him now Superboy starts digging an underground tunnel that he claims will bring in tourist trade into Smallville. Thinking this will be an amazing gift to give Smallville to get them to like him again. This, however, just unleashes a dinosaur on Smallville that was apparently living underground.

The League of Super-Heroes comes in and puts the dino back in the cave and seals it up. All the while the onlookers are actively booing Superboy. Which, actively makes him so upset he starts crying. Then it just gets so much worse for the guy. Krypto flies in and Superboy gets excited, because surely a dog wouldn't hold the same judgment as people do. Unfortunately, he does, and flies to Saturn Girl instead.

Crushed by this, Superboy flies to the Mayor's office to ask him if Smallville even needs him anymore to which the mayor says that they very much don't. So, he heads back home hoping that he could find some comfort in his parents but his dad literally SCREAMS at him that he's ashamed of him and that he should have left him at the orphanage he found Clark at.

I'll leave the wild canon that is Superboy being adopted for some other time and address this specific interaction later after the big twist. Because it genuinely made me REALLY mad when the twist comes.

Superboy, completely distraught, decides to leave Smallville because he believes that no one likes him anymore but still says he'll have memories of it that he'll always treasure and flies out into space.

Once in Space Superboy runs into a bunch of super powered beings all flying in a line somewhere. Him wondering what's happening follows them and discovers there's a whole planet dedicated to him and this is where the whole story goes off the rails.

As soon as he appears on the planet he's immediately arrested and put on trial. The council running the trial are Cosmic Boy, Saturn Girl, and Lighting Lad. Who just yell Superboy was found guilty, but don't elaborate for what and lock Superboy up in a kryptonite cell. The League start to build a kryptonite cell to house Superboy all while they make snarky remarks about him being a criminal.

They finally ask Superboy if he wants to know WHAT he did before they basically bury him alive. Cosmic Boy tells Superboy that the Legion and a bunch of super beings from the future came to the past to build this Superboy planet in his honor for how much they admire him. Though, following "procedure", they decided to check what Superboy will be doing five years into his future with their futurvision TV. Cosmic Boy says they did this because the records of that chunk of time had been lost to them in a fire. To which they saw Superboy destroying a bunch of government property. So they assumed he's going to become some super criminal and thus they purposefully humiliated him in Smallville. Saturn Girl even used her powers to turn the minds of Smallville sour to Superboy, including his own parents. So they decided to lock him up for good. Superboy completely drained from the Kryptonite cell he's in doesn't even have the energy to say anything.

Days later some chain reaction causes the Superboy statues around the planet to blow up releasing what is, essentially, the League's own kryptonite. "sigellian" To which they beg Superboy to help them. Which he does by screaming really loud and the vibrations of that changing the molecular structure of the sigellian and making it harmless. Saving everyone.

After this they immediately claim that not for a second did they think Superboy was actually a criminal. No, they always doubted it. DESPITE LOCKING HIM IN JAIL AND PUTTING HIM ON TRIAL. Superboy then explains that their futurvision wasn't working properly, because they caught events in the present, not the future. He explains why he destroyed all that government property, in that he had been asked by the President to get rid of the fallout of a poison gas experiment that was "too horrible to ever be used" and wanted all traces gone before foreign spies could get a hold of it. To which he's cleared of all charges and everyone cheers for him.

So, like, if this was the first issue you read with the Legion of Super-Heroes I would NOT blame you for hating their guts. Because I sure did when they admitted what they did. They build a shrine to a guy they idolize, they love Superboy. They say this constantly. Then they see what they think is him in their future vision TV thingy turning heel and instead of, ya know, questioning it, investigating it, or even bothering to have even an OUNCE of doubt about it they just immediately deem him a criminal and he must be punished. To the point they brainwash Smallville, the city where he's only ever done good, to hate him. But not just the citizens of Smallvill, his OWN PARENTS. THEY MAKE THE PARENTS OF AN ORPHAN TELL HIM THEY'RE SO ASHAMED OF HIM THEY WISHED THEY COULD TAKE HIM BACK TO THE ORPHANAGE. ALL BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO FACT CHECK, LIKE, AT ALL. LIKE HOLY SHIT GUYS. Then the SECOND Superboy saves their sorry asses and explains that, no, they didn't see the future they saw him a couple of days ago doing a request from the president they immediately turn around and say "we never even doubted you for a second!" FUCK. YOU. GUYS.

UGH, all this issue did was make me feel bad for how much these guys bully Clark for no reason despite claiming their undying admiration of him.

The next issue is a big one, it's Supergirl's introduction to the League and I swear to god they better not treat Supergirl the same way they treat Superboy. I'll go scorched Earth.

#dc comics #comics #silver age comics #silver age dc #legion of super heroes

[shootmewithasilverbullet]

Like okay here we go are you ready for an OC rant because you're gonna get one! I can't guarantee that this is going to be coherent but I don't really care just be amused by my thoughts okay

Iv been suddenly rediculously obsessed with Zach for like, the entire day today so I need to rant and get it out of my system. You have no idea how much love I have for this dumbass I swear to God.

Originally he came from needing extra characters in a resident evil fic that me and my ex were writing together, and you know what happens with those random shit heads that you make, right? They never fucking leave you alone so now I have Zachary Krowes, himbo of the highest caliber, creature of comfort, living inside my brain rent free like the gremlin he is.

I don't even know how to explain him properly I just have the dumbest facts that I want to blurt out incoherently without context aahh shit is that what you do?

Ginger boy with a fuckton of freckles, literally covered and he hates it but it's whatever at this point. Brown eyes because if they were green it would have been too much and he couldn't have been that blessed at birth. The Ginger genes run strong in this family, let me tell you it's absolutely disgusting and so good at the same time.

He will flirt with absolutely everything that moves, he loves it, it's a game and half the time he just wants to play with words and compliments and he doesn't think about going farther than the word play, and he isn't even good at it, but that's half the fun.

Getting drunk at a bar and just leaning on a table and telling some random girl that she's so pretty in seventeen different ways, and that she has the prettiest friends and he really hopes they're having a good time and that he'll buy them all a drink because they look like they're having so much fun and his own friend suck in comparison, an just being so not threatening and making friends with equally drunk gaggles of ladies that he will one thousand percent make sure get home safe and would fight for. The amount of times he's gotten into bar fights because some asshole has tried to disrespect his new BFFs in some way? All the time.

But at the same time he's literally this military dude, but he's soft as a kitten and while also having the biggest douchebag loud as fuck truck that he calls his baby.

And he's just an asshole on a good day, and he takes some jokes too far more often than he should. He's got so much respect for people but he makes jokes when he's uncomfortable that sometimes are a little mean and even though he knows it he still does it.

He'll drink booze like it's water, but he gets twitchy around drugs because of past addictions, but he isn't the kind of person to stop anyone from doing it just because he's uncomfortable.

He watched his best friend die because of a stupid decision he made, and hasn't been able to talk to the guys wife - also his best friend - for years because of the debilitating guilt he feels for what happened. Also the cause of his insomnia. The insomnia sparks paranoia, and Zach has rigged his entire house so that he has a firearm available no matter where he is.

He riggest his coffee table to have a shotgun holster underneath it just in case. You never know when you'll need that. He's actually very proud of all the shit he's rigged in his house and will at length go on about how he figured it out and how it works and how useful it is.

The insomnia birthed his ability to cook. He learned pretty quickly that he enjoyed it and he prides himself on being good at it. He loves cooking for people and will not hesitate to have people over so he can surprise them with these skills he has perfected. The kind of cooking that requires fresh ingredients that he will buy daily just to satisfy that perfectionist need.

He's so dumb and argues with teenagers on COD for no reason other than he's bored and hwy wouldn't he play war games when this is also his like, job? But teenagers on COD are so fucking annoying but at the same time it's so fun arguing with them like he is also a fucking twelve year old.

When he was assigned his last partner, the blond was pretty and Zach is stupid as shit so he obviously had to embarrass himself, and this dude he hadn't met before so he dropped to one knee and proposed to him in the middle of the briefing room with the rest of their unit present. Zach has never been forgiven for that. He did end up dating that very same partner, but no one would believe it because that whole partnership was just Zach flirting badly and Josh having better taste. Bad flirting won :)

He has mommy issues. A bad step mom who used to hit him when he was younger. She's still the only person that makes him freeze up, the only person that he's actively terrified of.

Zach almost got a police record, from when he was in high school. He got arrested for vandalizing a building with some friends and when the police showed up he let himself get caught so they could get away. He ended up getting let off the hook because the cop was a family friend, but he got smacked around by his step mom and he ended up telling his friends the bruises were from the popo roughing him up.

He'd do just about anything for recognition, especially when he was younger. The need to be the center of attention, to be noticed in any way, good or bad, stemmed from his parents inatentivness (his dad) and disappointment (stepmom). She wanted him to fit in a specific mold, that he couldn't hope to do, and hwne she realized he'd never be the Son she wanted, she got angry with him, and he started acting out to make her mad, to rebel against her.

Okay that's enough I could really go on but I won't. If you made it this far shit, kudos man I love you!

#Oc stuff #Oc rambles #I'm just letting loose and I love itttt #Aaahhh this is pretty fun #Y'all I love this boy so much #He literally causes brain rot #I could just entertain thoughts of this gremlin all day. #He's also my could fit anywhere oc #One good oc boy

[transmascnepetaleijon]

All i want in life is someone i can share cool animal facts with </3

#dirt.txt #I know so much useless shit it's unreal #I can't remember how to properly solve an equation with two unknown numbers but i know about horned lizards defence mechanisms #I hate my brain dude doesn't work properly and i hate it #*slams my hand on the side of my brain like an old television that won't work*

[mintmatcha]

10 Months

Matsukawa and Hanamaki

Part One

CW: mentions of death and illness, ANGST

Today’s just another day at work. Someone’s dead and someone else is talking about it. 

The worst part of the job, Mattsun decides, isn’t consoling the grieving or dealing with the aftermath of death: it’s listening to these shitty, repetitive speeches. There’s only so many times a man can hear about God’s plan and how much better someone is now that they’ve entered the great beyond before he goes numb. Sure, yes, logically, he understands this is all sad, but before all else?

 It’s boring.

Has he always been this bitter? Has he always been this good at choking down his feelings? Probably.

Mattsun looks away from the speaker at the front of the room, who's droning on about some shit while practically draped over the coffin. He does a precursory scan across the room, making sure everyone was properly teary eyed and mourning, before pulling out his phone. Maybe it’s unprofessional, but it doesn’t matter. No one’s looking at the funeral director during these things. If they were, it was something for them to discuss later during the reception.

'Did you see that employee?' 

'No, I was crying.'

'He was on his phone!'

'How horrible!'

Just before he can open Twitter, a glimpse of unforgettable, bright strawberry blonde hair catches his eye. For a moment, he ignores it off. He’s used to imagining things, used to his brain searching for hints of pink wherever he goes. He's used to turning his head to see it was a trick of the eye.

But this time the color doesn’t fade. Instead, it comes into focus, catching the light that pours through the stained glass windows, rainbows painted across pale skin. All at once, the presence becomes real, and Mattsun feels like he’s seen a ghost.

Not a literal one, but, fuck, he might as well be.

It’s been years since he’s seen Makki, longer since they actually talked, but there he was, standing at the back of the parlor with an obituary in hand. He loathes himself for the way excitement bubbles inside him and his heart gets caught in his throat… and then immediately drops as he processes why Makki would be here. He tries to remember the last name of the deceased, hoping the last name wouldn’t be familiar. Makki’s dad was never in good health, could it be-

No, he definitely would have recognized anyone else with the last name Hanamaki.

That’s when it hits him that Makki isn’t dressed for the funeral. In a sea of black, he’s wearing some raggedy sweatshirt with coffee split down the sleeve and a loose pair of jeans, ripped in all the wrong places. Frankly, he looks like shit, but he’s just leaning against the door frame, standing there like he belongs, with a tiny little grin on his face. 

Makki never looks over, too involved in the speech, but he’s aware of Mattsun’s presence. His torso is angled to face his old friend, chest broad and inviting. Mattsun hates that after all these years, he can still read his body language and understand what it means. It’s an invitation to come over.

Mattsun has to stop himself from going over there. Time has passed, he’s made his choices. He can’t just drop his work for an old friend.

No, not a friend. Stranger adjacent. 

He’s made his choices. 

He stays where he should be, in the corner, for what feels like hours, autopiloting through the rest of the service. By the time it’s all over, and the lights are dimmed, Makki’s already gone.

Mattsun hates that he knows exactly where to find him.

.

.

They find each other behind the parlor, wedged between the building and the dumpster. Makki’s sitting on the curb, legs folded up under him and pressed into his chest. That signature smile hasn’t faded, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. He pats the empty space next to him, but Mattsun just shakes his head and stays standing. 

“Just like high school, huh?” Makki says, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pouch. He taps the bottom four times,  then shakes it, hard. Waking up the cancer, making sure it’s out of bed, he used to joke. 

“Except we aren’t hiding from teachers anymore.” Mattsun kicks at a crumpled soda can and watches it bounce across the asphalt. “And you’ve changed brands.”

“Now we’re hiding from your boss.” Makki pulls a stick out and waves it, “And Iwaizumi’s not here to bitch about it.”

“Dude,” Mattsun tries not to sigh, but it sneaks out. The casual act was unsettling; Makki was pretending that past 3 years never happened. “I’m happy to see you and all, but I’m working right now.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Makki pats his pockets frantically, then pulls out a small pink lighter. It's not the same pink as his hair, but it's close. He brushes it against his pants, back then forward, opening it and lighting it in one smooth motion. He holds out the cigarette, twirling it between his fingers, “Help me light this, why don’t you?”

Mattsun blanches, scoffing in annoyance at the thought. There's the flash of a memory, Hiro's fingers against his lips, holding the cigarettes for him as he breathes in, skinned knees brushing against each other, but he pushes it down.

 “Hanamaki, I-”

“I’ve been demoted to just Hanamaki, huh?” he places it between his teeth and sets it alight, sucking in until the end glows orange. He holds still, savoring the moment, then lets out his breath, smoke seeping out through his teeth. “So, it turns out that I need to plan a funeral.”

Mattsun lets his apathy break, just for a moment. He runs his hands through his hair, completely fucking up the slicked back style as he processes this.  “Fuck, dude, I’m sorry.”

“Eh, don’t be.” Makki shrugs, “Not the end of the world.”

Mattsun blinks, trying to shake off the initial shock. He just lets his work persona take over. “Well, we would be happy to help you plan. We can scheduling for next week in my office, if you want-”

“There’s no rush, don’t worry.” Makki leans back and faces the sun. Even though he’s sitting on the ground, no more than 5 feet from garbage, he seems so peaceful. 

“Who’s it for?” Mattsun asks the obvious question and Makki grins wider, like he’s been waiting for this moment. He waggles his fingers in the air, like he’s celebrating.

“Me.” Makki says. He rolls his head forward and that pleasant air about him fades. It strikes Mattsun that he’s lost weight since high school; his already sharp features are more sullen, sunken into his face. “I’m dying.”

How hadn’t he noticed earlier? He spent so much time looking at Hiro in high school, so much time studying his features…. How could he miss such a dramatic change? Even now, he can remember exactly how the curve his cheek felt under his thumb, how smooth his skin was. Mattsun doesn’t realize he’s sitting until loose gravel bites into the palms of his hands.

“Fuck, dude.” he can only look straight ahead, focusing on nothing, “Are--- are you sure?”

“As sure as medical science can get,” he has the audacity to laugh, “I got brain cancer.”

Brain cancer. Mattsun knows what that means in a vague sense and yet it means almost nothing to him. Questions bubble up in his mind, all of them swimming around, begging for any sort of information to make this all make sense. 

"How long?" He wanted to ask anything else, but that’s the only sentence he could form.

" 'bout 7 inches.” Makki pauses for affect, “Oh, you meant how long do I have left to live?" he's grinning wildly at his own joke, waiting for Mattsun to react. When he doesn't he just takes another drag of his cigarette, smile never fading. "I thought it was funny.”

"It was a little funny." Mattsun relents, gesturing for the butt. It's passed with brushing fingers, knuckle against knuckle. It's been years since he's smoked- since third year of high school- but each pull still burns all the same. "How long?"

"Well, two months ago they told me I had years," he says, like it's nothing, "But the doc did a rescan and it's way worse than they thought.” He taps his temple,  “Apparently, three lil fuckers in there."

"How long?" Mattsun can’t stop repeating himself.

"10 months." he wobbles his hand side to side, “Give or take.”

Mattsun takes another drag, harder this time. It’s unfair that he’s this upset about it, that this isn’t just another funeral to him.

“Whoa, don’t hog the whole thing!” Makki grabs for his cigarette, opening and closing his hand like a small child, “You’ll get cancer from these, you know? ”

Mattsun doesn’t laugh. He just watches the ember fall on to his slacks. They flare of a quick moment before dying, leaving  little discolored burns in their wake.

“Both of us can’t get cancer- it’d be like wearing the same dress to a party. So embarrassing.” he finally just snatches it out of Mattsun’s hand, “So, are you going to help me?”

“H-help you.” he repeats back. Nothing that’s happening right now feels real.

“With my funeral. Duh.”

“You want me to plan your service?” Mattsun asks.

“Well, us. Not just you. Duh.”

Duh. 

“Why?” Mattsun breaths and yet he feels like he’s suffocating, “Why me? After everything I did-”

“I don’t want my dad to worry about it.” Makki kisses his teeth and pulls himself into a ball,  “He almost had a heart attack trying to figure out my mom’s and I …. I just don’t want him to worry.” Makki breathes out through his nose- it’s how he dispels negativity in his life, just like how he did in high school. “Besides, if I plan it, it doesn’t have to be some fucking boring ass pity party. We can make it fun. A fun-eral.”

These all just seem like words. There’s meaning behind them, sure, but they don’t seem to mean anything when they’re strung together like this. Mattsun wonders if this is shock, or some weird form of it. He’s seen it before, in the eyes of family’s blindly choosing and planning. He always thought they dumb, not knowing how to react, not knowing if they should be sad or angry or …. Something. 

But he gets it now. The news doesn’t always sink in.

“I don’t know what to say,” he admits after a long moment, “I don’t… I don’t think I’m processing this.”

Makki pushes off of the curb and stands, brushing off dust from his pants. “I get it. It’s a lot to hear.” he flashes a peace sign over his shoulder as he starts down the alley, “Think about it and get back to me.” A thin puff of smoke curls into the air, “My number’s the same as it always was.”

Mattsun sits there, hidden between the dumpster and his work, and tries to process as he watches Makki walk out of his life once again.

[chaoticpete]

One Year Writing Celebration

Hi! So I am so excited that it has been about one year since I joined this amazing community and started writing for all of you amazing, special people!

So far I have met nothing but kind and amazing people in this community and honestly you guys made my 2020 all that more tolerable. So I would love to have the chance and make some more amazing moots and read what you wanna write!

I decided to have a writing celebration! And the best part? It doesn't even have to be anyone from Marvel, I just wanna read more amazing people's works!

Below I shall provide some prompts, tropes, whatever you would like to pick. I’m so excited and I hope you guys have as much fun as I will with this and I hope you can participate!

Rules:

*Please send me an ask if you’re interested in joining. Make sure to include which topic you would like and what person you will write for.

*Tag me when you finish and post (if you don’t hear from me please feel free to message...Tumblr is very wonky)

*OC’s are welcomed

*M o s t ships are welcomed...most. (If you know it’ll make people uncomfortable...please don’t write it. In fact, I’ll probably tell you.)

*Two things per person

*Please pick a prompt or trope from the list. If you prefer to write your own idea that’s okay but just please tell me when telling me who you would like to write for and what so I can add it.

*Smut/ Dark fics are fine but please NO underage characters. If there’s any like dub-con, non-con or just anything that you feel will make others uncomfortable please tag properly! (If not I won’t post)

*Please make sure to tag me and use to tag #ChaoticPete1year so it’s easier for me to find and when I post it on my library 💖

*If there is a line through the prompt, it means two people are already doing that one.

*Just have fun!

Ending date is July 23rd, 2021!

Prompts:

*First date

*First dance

*Bodyswap

*Haunted

*Magic

*De-ageing

*Merpeople

*Supernatural AU

*Alternate Universe

*Barista/Coffee Shop

*Punk AU

*Royalty AU ( @kitkatd7 w/ Bucky or Loki)

*Historical AU

*Arranged Marriage ( @cocoamoonmalfoy w/ Peter Parker)

Highschool/college AU

Tropes:

*Enemies to lovers

*Friends to lovers

*Enemies to friends to lovers

*Childhood sweethearts

*Mutual pining

*Requited love

*Unrequited love

Dialogue Prompts:

“Would you still love me if I was a worm?” “...what are you on? But yes. Yes, I would.”

“Babe! I can’t find the dog.” “We don’t have a dog?” “...surprise?” ( @cocoamoonmalfoy w/ Peter Parker)

“Do you ever look at someone and wonder “why are they like this?.” “Yeah, you all the time” ( @spideyspeaches w/ Peter Parker)

“Well, that’s one thing off my bucket list.” “Who has something like this on their bucket list?!” ( @buckys-other-punk w/ Peter Parker) ( @theofficialzivadavid w/ Tony Stark)

“What are you thinking about?” “How to take over the world.”

“You’re one insult away from starting a war.” ( @kitkatd7 w/ Bucky or Loki)

“Now if you excuse me, I have a scene to go make.”

“Oh no.” “What happened? Is everything okay?” “I think I just felt...an emotion.” “You have got to be fu-”

“Pleaseee. I’ll do anything.” “Even a kiss?” “Okay, maybe not anything.”

“Hang on. Where’s (person’s name).”

“I don’t...exactly hate you I guess.”

“So, you broke my favorite mug...and you’re breaking up with me?”

“Not everyone could be born with brains and beauty...just be happy you have one of them.”

“Wait...wanna run that by me again?”

“Dude. We talked about this. Boundaries!”

“In what universe is this ever okay?!” ( @cocoamoonmalfoy w/ Peter Parker)

“Wait...that’s what that means?”

Tagging any of my writing babes who I think might be interested...and if not, that’s okay🥺

@tommyunderoos @allegra-writes @cherry-hyejin @spideyspeaches @cocoamoonmalfoy @ambivalent-anarchy @kitkatd7 @buckys-other-punk

...I need to annoy more writing moots omg 😭

#tom holland #marvel #x reader #peter parker #peter parker x reader #spiderman #peter x reader #tom holland spiderman #mcu peter parker #avengers #marvel fanfiction #fanfic celebration #fandom fanfiction #tom holland fanfiction #music fanfiction #movie fanfiction #fan fics writing #chaoticpete1year #writing celebration

[marianime]

Warning: A little bit of angst and fluff

Bokuto Kotarou- Apology

Y/n and Bokuto have been together for a few years now. It seemed to be they are close to getting to the next step of the relationship, marriage. However, obstacles are there to test the strength of the bond they have.

"Kotarou, are you leaving?" Y/n asked as she saw her beloved getting up from their shared bed.

Kotarou looked at her and smiled joyfully.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. But! I promise I'll be back earlier!" He panicked, thinking she will be disappointed.

"It's alright. I'll wait for you." Y/n said and smiled sweetly.

Bokuto prepared his stuff before leaving. The two stood before the door.

"I'll be back. I promise." Bokuto assured her and kissed her on the forehead, then to the lips.

"Okay. Be safe, always." She smiled and returned the kiss.

"You, too, be safe." Then, he left.

============

Three weeks.

Three weeks since he left, yet no texts and no calls. I can't help it but think he's cheating. This happened several times, but I stayed patient. I do not want to assume since I have no proof to claim my assumption. I hope I chose the right decision.

It was another day at work. Gosh, becoming an entrepreneur is totally difficult.

"Miss L/n?" My boss called.

"Yes, sir?" I immediately responded and approached him.

"You'll be working on a project with Mr. Oikawa. Don't worry, and he's the best here and in this field. I hope you two will get along since this project will due in two months." My boss informed me and called this Oikawa guy.

My boss handed me some folders and files about the project.

"Good day, sir." A good-looking guy suddenly entered the room.

He wore a suit, but he looked a bit sweaty.

"Came from playing volleyball?" Boss laughed and that guy too.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. So, this beautiful lady is my partner?" The Oikawa guy looked at me and smiled. Yeah, he's a flirt, I guess.

After that meeting, Oikawa leads me to his office. It was kind of awkward because I do not know the guy. On the way there, he kept 'brightening the mood' with his cheesy pick-up lines. I have to admit, and if I were single, I would be flattered. But that is not the case.

"So, miss L/n, are you single?" He asked with a smile on his face.

"Nope. Happily in a relationship with the best volleyball player in the nation, Bokuto Kotarou." I said, full of pride.

"Kotarou? From MSBY?"

"Yeah."

We entered his office and began to discuss the project. However, I was distracted. I have to admit, Oikawa is really perfect. He's got looks, brains, humor, and all. Yeah, I hated how he approaches me with pick-up lines, but overall, he's flawless.

Gosh, y/n. Focus on the project.

I went home after work. I just bought some dinner since I did not feel like cooking. I look around the house, thinking it was lonely. Kotarou and I were happy as we succeeded in buying this apartment, but why does it feel so lonely already?

A month has passed, but Kotarou did not contact me yet. I have lost my patience.

Kotarou💖

That was his contact. I called him.

.....

"Hello?" His voice sounded different

"Kotarou," Hearing his voice made me want to cry. Was it because I missed him?

"Love, are you okay? I'm so sorry I didn't text you right away. It was so bu-"

"I miss you. I hope you know that." Not wanting to hear his voice anymore, I ended the call.

He kept calling me back, but I ignored it.

"Miss y/n! Good morning!" Oikawa greeted me as soon as I entered his office.

I could only respond with a wave and kept my head low. I felt like crying as I heard Kotarou's voice. Did I miss him? Or am I mad at him?

"Are you okay?" He approached me and held my shoulders.

That was it. I cried in front of him. He was unusually quiet, but his actions were loud. He embraced me, and his warmth surrounded me. I felt comfortable and loved.

I sat on his couch as he handed me some snacks and beverages.

"I don't know what happened but cheer up. We can't work like this." Oikawa said.

So, everything was about work, huh?

"Work, huh?" I said.

"Yes, we have to get to work," Oikawa replied.

"So everything you have done for me, like caring for me, was because you want me to function properly?" I stood up, looking at him.

"Y/n...what are yo-"

"I like you, Oikawa! I don't care if I have a boyfriend right now, or do I even have one?!" I scoffed.

"He doesn't even care for me. He's selfish. He doesn't show any affection or love anymore, and I am sick of it!" I burst and cried again.

Oikawa stood frozen as he saw me breaking down. However, it was a different sight that he saw. I turned to where he was looking.

The door

There stood Bokuto Kotarou. He brought a bouquet of my favorite flowers and a box. His eyes glowed in shock.

Did he hear everything I said?

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

I stood from where I was and approached him.

"Kotarou, I-" Kotarou gently pushed me away.

"Is this how we end it?" Kotarou looked at me with his glowing eyes, full of sadness.

"Kotarou, no!"

"I wanted to propose to you. That's why it took me days or even a month to prepare for it." So, the box was an engagement ring.

Fuck, I messed up.

"I'm sorry for being a loser. Maybe, that dude would be better for you." He approached Oikawa and gave him everything he brought. The flowers and the box.

"They will be useful. Take care of her." With that, Kotarou left.

====================

"Hey y/n." Oikawa suddenly said which caught my attention.

I got too focused on our work that I ignored him.

"Later, I still need to finish this. I'm sorry." I told him as I exit his office and went to my personal desk.

================

I was dozing off since work hours are over. I stayed in my office for a while. Suddenly, I got a call from an unknown number. Due to curiosity, I answered.

"Hello? Is this Mr. Oikawa Toru?" A familiar voice was heard.

"Yes, it's me. Who is this?" I asked.

"Oi, Oikawa. It's Bokuto Kotarou. I heard my love is working together with you."

"Oh, it's you." I chuckled.

"What? Do you need help?" I added.

"Oh...just don't tell her this," Bokuto said and paused.

"What is it?"

"I'm going to propose to her. Please take care of her for me. I think she is mad at me though since I ignored her. I just...wanna make this right..."

There, I felt guilty. I actually fell for her since she's perfect. Her smile brightens up my day. Her attitude is alluring. But, I can't. She's supposed to be someone else's. I don't want to ruin that.

But, we fell in love...

I'm sorry...

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu!! #anime #fanfic #fukurodani #hey hey hey #hq oikawa #haikyuu oikawa

[fairycosmos]

i really want to kill myself. my medication doesn't work, i'm fat and ugly and make no progress in getting better. the person i love will never love me and i have nothing to look forward to. why do i even bother and keep hanging on? i tried so many times, now i just have to take the last step and do it properly. i'm always empty and feel numb most of the time, i just want peace. it will be the best thing i have ever done, honestly

listen to me, things are not always going to be the way they are right now. say it to yourself as much as you need to. no matter how bad it gets, it’s never permanent. everything changes all of the time and killing yourself, taking away your own future and everything you could be over temporary circumstances and feelings is not worth it at all, i promise. it won’t be the best thing you’ve ever done, it’ll be the fucking worst and nothing will come of it except more pain. seriously, you have to believe me when i say that suicide isn’t a reasonable, smart or practical thing to do and it certainly won’t solve all of your problems. it won’t be the way you think it’s going to be. i know it’s hard. i know words sound empty and being alive feels pointless when you feel so intensely awful, but please. please just keep going. all you have to do is get from one moment to the next, if you’re doing that then you’re doing MORE than enough. talk to your doctor about your medication, tell him/her what’s going on and that you need more help than you’re getting. it’s alright to say how you feel and to let people in. you deserve support and advice and guidance, that’s an indisputable fact. and you’ll get it, if you just find it in you to reach out. you’re not alone and you don’t have to fight this alone, even if your mind is telling you otherwise. that part of your brain is just trying to isolate you so you’re easier to control, and it’s the same part of your brain that is trying to convince you that killing yourself is a good idea in the first place. you don’t have to let it win. you don’t have to let those thoughts impact your reality. you’re stronger than you think, and you’re in control - not the self hating thoughts, not the depression, not the pain. you. 

and look, just because you see yourself a certain way doesn’t mean that’s how everybody else sees you. your worth isn’t measured by how ‘attractive’ you are, that’s not what you’re here for, but you’re probably nowhere near as ‘ugly’ as you think you are, dude. depression can heavily alter your perception of yourself, and make you believe things that aren’t true. you’re naturally biased against yourself. those self hating thoughts can’t be trusted. and you should never ever hurt yourself over another person and the way that they feel. again, it’s not worth it. being in love is painful and weird and blinding, especially if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, but it’s also a trick. you’re not always going to feel this way about this person. your existence wasn’t created just to intercept with theirs.  i know it feels extremely heavy and real and permanent but it’s not. and anyway, it’s alright for it to hurt. it’s okay to cry and to scream and to be upset over a person/life in general. as long as you have the emotional awareness to know that it’s going to pass, that you’re going to be okay. i get that it sounds like bullshit, but try to take at least some of it to heart. if you start to believe in your own ability to make it through this, suddenly it seems a lot more plausible. like, if you keep telling yourself that you can’t do it then it’ll really feel like you can’t, even if you can.

you keep hanging on because you don’t want to die, you want to live just not like this. and you don’t have to, that’s the best part. things can and will change. you have so many options, even if you can’t see them right now. please please please just make it through today. every morning is a new chance and a new reason to keep moving forward. i’m begging you to just give yourself the opportunity to live. start by talking to your doctor. your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health and you’re completely entitled to getting medical attention for it. little things like finding a medication that suits you, looking into therapy and healthier coping mechanisms, the passage of time, leaning on those that care about you and making the conscious effort to be kinder to yourself will really genuinely make all the difference. it won’t always be easy but it’ll always be worth it. i get that it feels like a lot of effort, i understand that. and i’m not saying you have to do anything right this second. but the possibilities are endless, and you have the power to explore them when you feel ready to. you really, really do. it doesn’t matter what your mind is telling you. it matters that you’re here, that you have the right to live a long life and that the world wouldn’t be the same without you in it. i sound like a broken record but please please keep going, that’s the only way. don’t even entertain the idea of hurting yourself, or worse. that’s not how you’re going to get through this. i’m going to leave some links that will offer further support, please check them out if you have the time. and just know that there are so so many people that care about you, that want you to be okay. and eventually you may even get to a place where you truly care about yourself. it’s entirely possible, but you won’t know for definite unless you try. just try. i’m seriously always here if you need to talk, message me if you ever need a friend or if you feel like you’re going to do something. i care n we can talk it out.

hotlines: http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

links:

https://www.thehopeline.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-suicidal

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://themighty.com/2017/03/depression-coping-strategies-that-help-me/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-ways-feel-better-about-yourself

https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/wellness/low-cost-and-free-mental-health-services/

#tw suicide #tw self harm

[stilesitilinsk-blog1]

Crying!Adam Comforting!Blake - Shevine

Summery: When the interviewer starts questioning about him being a womaniser he just shrugs. But then everyone starts to believe it. Everything goes downhill from there...

-

Adam was standing on a red carpet when it all begun. It was a normal day for him really and everything was going well, the interviewers had great attitudes and everyone was friendly and caring – But he hadn't known he was hanging out with a lot more girls than guys. Although, he was a closeted gay man everyone still thought he was connected to woman in a weird way. Now here he was, standing with a woman who would tell him the worst question and ruin his whole career.

“Hello Adam,” She said casually as if nothing bad was going to happen and what she didn't know was it was going to affect him THAT badly.

“Hi,” he muttered back.

“So, I've heard your the womaniser in your band or you just are a womaniser overall.. Can we confirm this as true?”

Adam stopped the tracks in his brain and looked at the woman with a full hatred before shrugging and walking away from her. He never gave an answer so they shouldn't properly put it on the News. He just wished everyone was still shipping shevine. He only loved him.

The next day he came up to a Twitter to post about his new Album that was upcoming. But when he did the comments were just about him and... the last interview he had? Sniffling as tears began slowly filling his eyes he wiped them as he read them, coming to terms that nobody would ever like him again.

'knew he was like this anyway'

'such a loserrrrr'

'womaniser i hate u'

'rlly? wht type of human r u?'

'die'

'nobody loves you'

'slut'

'whore'

'idiot'

'gross'

'kill yourself'

'quit Maroon 5'

'you don't deserve anything! DIE!'

Adam was now crying. Silent sobs escaping his mouth and the tears rolling down his cheeks as he watched Twitter blow up with more hate comments, one after one they all came and went with more to come afterwards and he couldn't believe it. How could one interview change his whole life – Funny, cheeky and carefree, ADHD Adam to Sad, lonely and wanting to die in the moment Adam.

Then what he received next was the worst part. All of his bandmates and manager was forcing him to ... to quit the band. As he sobs began to become un-silent. He remembered why this was happening to him. The media.

Bandmate 1- 'adam u know .. just quit the band as soon as possible .. k, thnx'

Bandmate 2- 'bye to the band'

Bandmate 3- 'cant believe u are using woman man ... didn't even deny it .'

Bandmate 4- 'get out and don't return.'

Bandmate 5- 'better off without you in this band tbh.'

Bandmate 6- 'maroon 5 will be good now haha'

Bandmate 7- 'really dude? Wow..'

Manager - 'you're out'

Adam crawled away from his phone as if it was a monster and dropped onto the floor. He only managed to get under the table when he bursted out in full sobs. He again just reached out for his phone when it binged hoping it to be anyone but The Media. Except it was.

Newspaper - 'Adam Levine Using WOMAN?'

The Sun - 'Adam Levine A Womaniser?'

Daily Mail - 'Adam Levine Doesn't Deny Rumours Being A Womaniser'

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

He watched as all these newspapers and comments and much heart filled paragraphs were full of why he was that womaniser. He was never. The only woman he had married and divorced was Behati. And yes, maybe he did hang out with more woman this year but it was as a friend. He couldn't date that MANY.

Soon enough, the tears were endless and no matter how many times he tried to get them away they kept coming. This time his phone binged and binged and he saw his friends and boyfriend from The Voice messaging him desperately.

Shakira - 'omg adam don't look at Twitter please'

Usher - 'man you probably looked at Twitter need to talk 'bout it ?'

Pharrell Williams - 'i am so sorry'

Christina Aguilera - 'are you okay?'

CeeLo Green - 'do you want to talk about anything honestly?'

Gwen Stefani - 'please talk to us. we don't if you're dealing with this or struggling. At least talk to Blake. He's freaking the hell out over here at work, he had to cancel practice with his team.'

Miley Cyrus - 'look, I don't know what the hell is happening on Twitter currently but you need to tell us or anyone. I haven't been on yet so... come to the voice and we'll discuss and make it pass over?'

Alicia Keys - 'gosh. I hate some twitter people. Not you.'

Blake Shelton - 'Adam, I heard what happened and the whole of social media is blowing up. I'm coming over pretty soon.'

Blake Shelton - 'just to talk to me dude, what the heck happened? I just wanna help'

Adam Levine - 'come quick'

That was the only reply he sent to Blake and his breathing was getting slower and slower till he felt like he was dying.

BING.

Blake Shelton - 'ok dude coming'

-

Blake was on a rush. He didn't know what was happening but that 'come quick' text sent him into a terrifying frenzy. His car battled through other cars and he was glad LA was a bit more relaxed than usual. He reached Adams house and knocked on the door. He mentally slapped himself for doing that and just walked in. He saw his boyfriend immediately under the table with his phone smashed. He walked over to him and pulled him into a hug, placing him onto who his lap. Hearing Adam crying was the most heartbreaking thing in the world.

“Adam, Adam, look at me.” Blake told him firmly and when he didn't he lifted his chin and saw his eyes were red, puffy and tears were gradually building up again and so he wiped them away. “What happened?”

“I-I-I d-don't know! I- I thought it would be easier to not say anything, just ignore it... l-look w-w-where that g-got me.” He chuckled bitterly.

“Okay, but this isn't your fault. What did they tell you?” Blake asked while wrapped his arms around Adams waist so he could comfort him more.

“T-told me I s-should die and-and that I-I-I am a s-s-slut and whore, but I'm not.. I promise. They were friends.. oh god, what will my parents think?”

Just as he had weakly said those words two more bings sounded on his phone and he read them, soon a gentle smile formed on his face.

Mum - 'Blake told me what happened, dear. Hate the media but you'll always be my star x'

Dad - 'Son, I will make these people pay. Rise up again'

Blake looked at the phone and smiled and then up at Adam who hugged him as tightly as he could.

-

The next day they were going to rumours and reports were being made.

News Channel - 'Interviewer sued and arrested for fake obligation towards lead singer Adam Levine.'

@adamlevine - 'Guys, they were my female friends. I am a gay man and proud.'

@blakeshelton - '@adamlevine and I'm loving you...'

Comments swirled in like crazy and apologies and big 'I'm so sorry's' were coming in and he couldn't feel happier. There was probably only one 'faggot' comment but it didn't matter. He had Blake. He didn't care.

They were OK.

[anthrat]

The Akatsuki members as high-school students

Has this been done before? Probably! Do I care? No, because these are my terrible headcanons and nobody can take them from me.

A/N: This has been in my drafts for a long time, probably since early February. I’ve been lacking motivation to do anything at all for months and lo and behold, I find this basically finished piece bar one character. I really, really want to start writing again but I’m struggling to think of ideas, so if you have any requests for future headcanons/one shots/etc feel free to slide me a message or something :)

He's definitely the generic super intelligent kid who gets straight A's in pretty much every subject. All of his notes are really well organised, he keeps bullet journals and everything is colour coded - mans notes are literal art. His handwriting is definitely beautiful, we're talking professional calligrapher here.

All of his equipment is immaculate, he cries if one of his books gets a crease or something on it somehow. If you accidentally nudge him or ruin his notes he will silently hold a grudge against you forever - he probably won't act on his grudge though, he just wants to blend in and he dislikes conflict in general.

Despite being fully aware of his intelligence he hardly ever speaks up in classes. He only really speaks when spoken to and so is renown as the token quiet kid. I also envision him as being super pretentious, although he doesn't show it he definitely thinks he's better than everyone else.

His favourite subject would be English because he enjoys analysing anything and everything. If you're friends with him he will make comments on how random pieces of media etc. are a representation of -insert important world issue or theory.- He'd also like art despite it being the only subject he's not very good at. All his art is abstract, he will draw a pink square and claim it represents a patriarchal society.

Doesn't have many friends because he isn't very talkative, spends most of his time at school alone doing schoolwork. Sees school purely as an educational setting and so doesn't see the point in making an attempt to be social.

All of his school equipment looks like it's been mauled by 300 dogs because its all second/third/fourth+ hand. Man would never pay full price for a textbook. He definitely steals all the faculty equipment too. You could fill an entire room with the amount of stationary this man has but he will NEVER lend it to anyone else. If he does lend you something it's because its either A) broken B) barely functional (so like pens which can write 2 letters before running out) or C) you're giving him something better in return/paying for it (even then he'll probably take whatever he lent you back without you realising)

He also definitely runs mini-shops in school where he'll sell stolen equipment and things like sweets/chewing gum/trendy items (he made bank when fidget spinners were a thing) for like triple what they're actually worth.

His favourite subject is definitely history (He's a crusty dusty old man so of course) but he will never admit this. He takes business and economics but hates them, he's already done all of his own research into the subjects and is only doing them to get the qualification. Definitely complains about how he already knows it all already and it's a waste of time for him to learn it again. His only conversation topic is him talking about how he's going to set up his own business as soon as he leaves school.

Is very intelligent but only gets average grades in most subjects because he refuses to try if he dislikes the subject or sees it as a waste of time.

Watched DeathNote once and now thinks he's an actual real life version of Light Yagame. Carries around his own DeathNote and threatens to write people's name in it.

Convinced that he's been bestowed with supernatural powers, whenever he speaks he does lots of flashy hand gestures, - think generic cool-dude protagonist poses - these change depending on what piece of media he's currently obsessed with. His personality also changes alongside the poses.

Basically what I'm trying to say is he's the over-saturated 'weird anime kid' with a touch of superiority complex. Although, he's super confident and has absolutely 0 shame in this fact.

Bless his little heart, he loves writing but is the definition of 'uses complicated words without knowing what they mean'. He's still decently smart though. His grades would probably be pretty average because he struggles to apply himself properly. His favourite subject would definitely be something like sociology where he can freely express his profound ideas, even if some of them are completely god awful. He'd also enjoy any subject which gives him creative freedom such as art or English.

Cannot see this lad as anything but a jock. He loves sports, lives and breathes them. He's probably a member of practically every single sports team and is surviving on the basis he has a sports scholarship of some kind.

Despite him being a jock he'd be the most approachable out of all the Akatsuki members. He's the kind of guy who no matter who you are he'd always be happy to crack jokes and talk with you. He definitely brings in way too much food, he's that dude who brings a whole mini banquet to school every day for no discernible reason. He's always happy to share though, he's definitely the kind of guy who if he saw someone sat by themselves at lunch he'd sit with them and offer them food.

His grades would be a little on the lower side because most of his free time is taken up with all his sports, however, he'd still work hard at his academics regardless. If anything this man is probably the most dedicated, he would hate the fact that he's falling behind all his classmates but at the same time would rather die than give up any of his extracurricular activities.

He'd be fairly popular because of his naturally easygoing and humorous nature, but people would rarely ever invite him to events as they'd just assume he was busy.

Konan is an absolute babe, the kindest and most caring person in the whole school. Forgotten your lunch? She'll buy you some or give you her own. Didn't do your homework? Bitch will give you hers to copy, if it's an essay or something she'll sit with you and help you write it. Looking a little upset? Konan's right there to try and cheer you up even if you aren't friends.

Despite how wonderful and 100/10 a person she is she probably won't have many close friends. She'll get used a lot by others who take advantage of her good nature. She's smart enough to know what they're doing but she doesn't care, she's happy to be of help to anyone even if they don't appreciate it.

She's a bit of a teachers pet though, she's on super good terms with every teacher in the school even if she doesn't take the subjects they teach. Most of her breaks/lunches would be taken up by her helping with display boards or whatever.

Her favourite subject would be geography, she'd really enjoy learning about different cultures and societies. I can see her just really enjoying learning about how rivers are formed and stuff like that as well. Her least favourite would be something like math which is only fact based, she enjoys being able to look at things from different perspectives.

Also bitch would bake all the time, literally every lesson she'd whip out a box of cakes/cookies/anything else she'd baked the night before to share with the whole class.

Carries knives around with him because he thinks they make him look cool. He can and will whip one out at any given opportunity so he can flex a knife trick on you. His knife tricks suck though, he always drops them or cuts himself, if you try and walk away he'll beg you to stay claiming that fortieth time's the charm or something.

He never shows up to lessons, he doesn't even know what one is. If you ever ask him what subjects he takes he'll look at you blankly and ask what you mean. If he ever is in a lesson it's because he was dragged there by a member of staff. Honestly, the few lessons he's actually present for are so chaotic teachers find themselves praying he doesn't show up. Being as he never willingly shows up he'll never know what subject it is, and he'll ask insanely bizarre questions un-ironically because he gives no fucks and has no idea what is happening. For example, you'll be learning about arteries in biology and he'll ask something like "What ingredients do we need?" because he'll have confused arteries with artichoke and think he's in a home economics lesson.

Despite being the weird knife kid he's pretty popular, he's so completely brain dead and unaware of his surroundings that its impossible not to get along with him. He doesn't have the critical thought to bully anyone and so even if he tries to be horrible it always comes off as though he's just trying to be funny.

Oh dear oh lord what can I say about Zetsu? Zetsu is an absolute shit show of a student. Black Zetsu I can see as being very academic focussed, with their favourite subjects being religion, politics and some form of economics. I imagine they’d be very active within school politics/religious scenes, probably the head of some sort of group for both.

Black Zetsu would also be interested in applying for positions such as Head of Year, Class Representative and anything similar. They’re a big control freak and as a result have basically 0 friends. People would find them overbearing and awful to be around. They’re the incredibly opinionated kid who dismisses anything which they don’t personally agree with.

White Zetsu on the over hand, hoo boy. Class clown obviously. The living bane of Black Zetsu. If Black Zetsu wants class representative then you know people will vote for white Zetsu instead because he’s infinitely more popular. He’s incredibly weird but in such an innocent and goofy way they’d have a large group of friends. They wouldn’t be popular per say, but they’d be friends with practically everyone.

Their favourite subject would probably be biology because sex jokes, but I also think they’d enjoy English because uhh… Sex jokes. I just can’t see White Zetsu taking school even slightly seriously.

He basically lives in the art department. If you walk near him he will tag along and start talking to you about art, it doesn’t matter who you are you will be forced to listen to his speech.

Incredibly confident and has no issue starting a conversation with anyone. He's definitely the type of person who every time you see him he'd be with a completely different group of people, whether they want him there or not.

Despite his weird constant art rants he'd be the life and soul of the party. He's always fun to be around purely because of how much energy he has. He'd be the kid who makes everyone laugh completely on accident, although people would probably be laughing more at him than with him.

He'd probably get invited to lots of places by other kids just so he could be the butt of every joke. He wouldn't mind though, he'd brush it off and probably enjoy the attention he gets from it.

Most of his friends would end up being people who know nothing about art though, all the students who participated in any artistic subjects would stay far away in fear of him starting another argument about art.

If the art class ever does clay his has to be put in the kiln separately because it always blows up. He also has a habit of 'accidentally' damaging other people's art if he dislikes it. Eventually he would mellow out and start appreciating other forms.

Nobody knows who he is, people will have sat next to him for years and won't even know his name. The amount of times his name is called in the register and people will pipe up with "who's that?" or "didn't he move to another school?" is genuinely concerning. He doesn't care though, he'd rather go through school completely unnoticed.

Excels at all subjects (besides sports, he's never showed up to a PE lesson because of 'health reasons') despite putting very little effort into academics. His favourite subjects would be biology and math. He'd absolutely hate art as a subject, preferring to do art in his free time rather than make it into a chore at school. He'd have been put in Deidara's class at least once and it would have completely ruined all enjoyment of art as a subject for him. He'd also hate any subjects which prompt discussion such as English or sociology, he doesn't have any opinions on them and he doesn't care to listen to anyone else's.

Honestly, dude is the definition of a background character at school. He just simply does not exist, and I have mad respect for him. On the off chance anyone even tried to speak to him he'd probably completely ignore them, the only communication he has at school is through emails with teachers. He has 0 interest in making friends when they have nothing in common with him.

Another character sort of hard to pinpoint. He’d probably be somewhat similar to White Zetsu, but not quite as popular. He’d be a right teachers pet, with few friends his own age. He’d probably spend spend all his breaks and lunches with teachers in their classrooms, offering to help them with display boards etc.

Despite being a teachers pet he wouldn’t be academic whatsoever. He’d always try his best but bless him, he’s terrible at every subject and ends up constantly making a fool of himself. He’s definitely the sort to raise his hand to make a really great point, but his really great point is basically repeating the lesson objective. When studying of mice of men he definitely asked “what’s the name of Curly’s wife’s husband?”

His favourite subject, regardless of his ineptitude would be drama. He’d always be the most melodramatic and over the top in every character he played, not really caring what other people thought of him. In fact, that’s probably his best feature. Despite his lack of popularity he’d always unapologetically be himself, his goofy and over the top self.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

If we’re thinking more about Obito, I’d like to imagine for the sake of this headcanon Tobi is what he’s like during lower school years and then suddenly one summer he comes back and he’s completely matured into this foreign character unrecognisable to nobody.

He’d become incredibly serious, forgoing the role of energetic teachers pet to a much more muted one. He’d still be just as terrible at all his lessons, and still spend most of his time around teachers rather than others his age but he’d no longer have that fun spark. He’d probably start caring greatly about what people thought of him so his latter years would be trying to stay under the radar completely.

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