beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess - Tumblr blog

beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 2 years

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Miss you

I miss you. I miss the talks. The advice you gave me. The stories you told. Our time together. We were both unstoppable, as nothin could slow us down. We were a duo. You gave me a reason to keep on living as one of the three people in my life I cared bout. I miss your hugs. I miss your embrace when held me tightly. I miss even the quiet times betwixt us when nothin needed to be said. The times we had together as I grew up with you. You were someone always the for me, even when things went out of control. But I know it was your time to go and I can't try to keep you here for my own selfish ways. I just hope after all this time and even you bein gone that you're proud of me. I'll never stop missing you, even as the years go by. I wish I can call you and talk to you. I wish I can ask for the advice you'd be prepared to tell me. I wish I had more time with you in your last dyin days. I wish I can see you one last time to hug you for the last time. I wish so many other things that can't be done anymore. I hope you're doin well wherever you are and in peace. I miss you.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 2 years

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Thank you

Thank you. Thank you for making me for who I am. I'm not what I was after you. I don't blame you anymore. Thank you for opening my eyes. I'm weary of people in the world, being handed to over and over. I'm not like that anymore. With low expectations for what I go through and am promised. Thank you for making me tough from what I've already been put through by you. I wear the scars, but will never let it get to me. It hurts to know that you caused this. I still thank you for it. As much as I thank you, I must also forgive you. For the anger I've held onto for so long. I learned to forgive. Thank you.

#my writing #writing #therapy #writing therapy #my poem #my poems #poem #poems #poetry #my poetry #Thank You #poetry of the day #poetry of the soul #short poetry #poetry of mine #poetry of tumblr

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 2 years

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I forgive you

I forgive you. I forgive you for the trauma, the screams, the episodes, the iron fist, the fist fights, the control. Everythin I've been through. I forgive you for what was said and done. I have no reason to hold it in anymore. The hatred I gained from the trauma isn't worth my mental state anymore. I want to be free. I will be free. I am free. I forgive you for the anxiety I've been given. I've been affected from it, to gain a mental illness to effect the outcomes of the rest of my life. I forgive you for the stubbornness of both sides. I will stand my ground and not be put into submission anymore. My hard head and big heart will get through this. I forgive you, for the sake of still loving you. I forgive you.

#my writing #writing #therapy #my poem #my poems #my poetry #poem #poetry #short poetry #I forgive you #poems #poetry of the day #poetry of tumblr #poetry of mine #poems of tumblr #writing therapy

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 3 years

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Loving myself

I'm tryin to love myself. No matter what I put on; clothes, makeup, jewelry, tattoos, I still hate how I am and my looks. I feel like a fake; empty and lost with how I feel and look. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel so numb and unwanted even in my own body. I want to get out of it and be who I really am. A dream that I long since my youth without even knowing it. I'm just tired of bein so numb as I look at myself of how my body is like and my face. I despise my body and face; I cry and breakdown when I see myself in the mirror instead of how my brain thinks I actually look without the truth of a mirror to tell me otherwise. I'm tired of it. I just want to be happy.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 3 years

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Sight

I hate the sight of me. Every bit of it. I want to be happy. I want what will make me happy and I can't just do it. Not just yet. A long way to go to be happy. I hate the mirrors that show my reflection of who I am. They seem to lie to me with every chance they get. Most be a trick, but I'm not fooled. I see what the sight and eyeful the mirror sees. I want to tear out of my skin and become anew. I don't feel like myself, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror as I pass by. It takes my energy away, the confidence in myself. Zaps right out of me like a laser in a sci-fi. I try to see the better in me. I'm just struggling to see what others see. I don't see what they see. I see a disaster in my own image. That has angered me when people give me complements. I think they're lies, just like how I've been fed when in my youth and from my own self hatred self in the past, that has caught up to my present. I can't stand it. I just want to be happy. I hate the sight of me. Every bit of it.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 3 years

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I'm not sorry

The things I do is what helps me in my life. I'm not selfish of it. It's not to hurt you. It's for me. To be happy. Why be mad at my happiness? Why be mad at the way I handle my own to get where I'm at? It doesn't affect you in the slightest. It's not selfish of me to be happy. I'll do what I can to help myself when this world is full of sharks I'm doin what I can to survive and to live in the fullest. I won't let you affect my life to help or keep me happy. The things I do is what helps me in my life.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 3 years

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Repeat

“Stop repeating yourself.” I get told as I talk to the air again. Words fall on deaf ears, but yet they all hear. Annoying. Repetitive. Ignored all the same. Getting angry of being ignored. Get yelled at for wanting to be acknowledged in conversation. So quiet, I will be instead of trying to be heard. Yet I still get called out for being quiet and “distant”. I'm tired of it. I don't want to be repetitive. I don't do it on purpose. A forever cycle I'll never get out. “Stop repeating yourself.”

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 3 years

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Shell

I feel like a fake. A fraud. An imposter. I'm not who I am. I'm not what I was. I'm in a shell that doesn't feel like a home of my own. No matter how much I mark it up. Scratches. Cuts. Bruises. It's what makes the shell look so different. Trapped in a shell that I can't ever escape. No matter how hard I try. I'll still feel indifferent of myself. The self-hatred within. It's not my shell. It's not my home. It's cold and distant. And I am not welcomed. I feel like a fake. A fraud. An imposter.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Sometimes the best laughter is from yourself when you're alone. You know your own jokes and how to make yourself happy in the silly ways when you're alone.

#my quote #my quotes #not a poem #quote #happiness #laughter #jokes #positive #positivity #positive vibes #positivity vibes

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Numb

It's a numbing feeling, and I can't get out. I hate it. It won't go away. No matter who I'm with. What I do. It'll be the same. The numbness that never goes away. I'm trapped in the shadows, running in circles with no way out. I see the light, but I can never make it in time for the darkness to swallow me whole. Into the bottomless void that I can't escape of which is my mind. It's a numbing feeling, and I can't get out.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Meaning

I've been tryin to find reason to even live on. I'm tryin to find a purpose. I'm tired of the same thing over and over again. I want change that'll never get there. Everythin is in a halt and it's driving me insane. I don't feel like I'm goin to get out. Every day I wake up with no purpose and meaning. Day after day. It only gets worse at night when I'm at my lowest and wanting to end it right there. But I can't. I haven't found the right meaning to end it just yet. But I haven't found the right meaning to not end it. I'm stuck betwixt wanting to live out to see what happens and to end it to see my true family again.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Wrong

I want to rip open. I can't take it. I hate how I look.

My body.

My face.

It's all wrong.

This isn't my body. I'm a ghost in a shell. A shell that's not mine. I want to break out of my prison. This isn't the right body I was assigned in. The boxes were checked off wrong. I was shoved in a body that's not mine. A malfunctioning. An error was made. But they found it “correct”.

They're wrong. It's not correct. I'm not correct. It's all wrong.

I just want to have my right body. To be happy. To be content. I'm sick of it.

I want to rip open.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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House of Memories

I grew up here. Where I mattered. Where I was heard. Where I was loved. My best friends owned the house that sat on some land. They were there when I had no-one. They're gone. The 21 years I spent with my best friends. The memories we had. It's changing. It's not the same house. Memories are being built over with newer memories without my best friends and I. But they're not there anymore. I have no use to goin back to somewhere I felt sane. I felt save. I felt love. It's all gone. They're both gone. I can't bare to see the changes. The house of memories of what use to be. It's got no place anymore. I don't wish to see it or come back to the place that's not safe for me anymore. These walls don't hold secrets. They'll always know and shout it out to the world. I buried the memories like I had to bury my best friends. The house of memories crumbles from the foundation that was built 50 years ago. Twenty one years of good memories. I wish to never see it again for as long as I live. I grew up here.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Sleep

I toss back and forth in my bed. Eyes wide open. No dreams. No peace. Only a ruff up bed head, painful to the touch with the lack of lazy effort to get clean in the past few days.

Depression.

Insomnia.

Stress.

Losing the room for sleep, only to be kept up by the thoughts in my mind, the voices that won't quiet down. They won't quiet down. The voices. The mind racing for thoughts that don't matter.

Recalls of the pasts you wish to change. The arguments you wished to say differently. The memories of the forgotten pains and stress. Haunting you with every second. Losing precious seconds of sleep.

Sleep.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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No title

I see how I want to die. Pills. A gun. A knitting needle through the temples. Poison. I welcome death, as I don't see the use to being here any longer. Ignored. Stressed. Depressed. Mentally ill. Disabled. I can't take it all. I don't even know who I am anymore. I look at the bottle of pills in my hand. They don't belong to the bottle I hold. Different pills to do the job. It's efficient. I'm sorry to the ones who seem to care. It'll be a quick grief to be forgotten like I've been when alive. I see how I want to die.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Curse

To have the curse of God's love. It's a curse I never wanted. People have told me I have God's love in my heart. To want to help. The gift of being there for others. To never say no. It physically hurts to hate.

When I'm hurt, I get mad for my own justifiable reasons that may seem wrong to others, but right in my mind. It makes me hurt when I'm pissed off. I do have the right to have emotions.

Yet, my body, and sometimes others from my past, refuse to let me have certain emotions and opinions on things that have happened in my life.

I get physically sick.

I feel sick.

From the anger and hatred for somethin so small that I know I shouldn't hate.

I'll break down from the hatred.

I forgive again.

I cry out for the pain to stop.

I don't curse God in any way. I hate having this “gift”. It's a curse to me. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I hate these pain I feel when I'm angry. When I hate. It's Hell for me. People say I have a gift of God's love. I don't. To have the curse of God's love.

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beautifulliesandbrokenpromisess · 4 years

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Mask

“You don't have depression cause you show sign of happiness at times.” I mask my feelings. To be numb. To show happiness with no questions asked. I cry. I grieve. I'm in a state of mind of emptiness and numbness. You'll never see it. You refuse to see it. I've quit with tryin to prove what I have. I'll just mask it. A mask that's crumbling every day. Every hour. Every second. The mask stays on as I break on the inside. To know it's still denied and ignored by the ones who use to be close to me. I'm tired of my screams for help falling on deaf ears. I'll just wear my mask of ‘happiness’, since I'll never be believed of suffering mentally. “You don't have depression cause you show sign of happiness at times.”

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