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innitmarvellous · 1 month

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Part 2 of my ace contemplations - Part 1 can be found here - or more like: more whining, haha. Sorry.

First off something more general: I'm happy about the responses I got on the original post, but I think it's a bit sad that there isn't a hashtag or something for people who want and need the support of the aspec community here on Tumblr (without having to join a special forum or sth). Because it seems that while the community is quite active, it's mostly for sharing memes and snappy textposts and stuff, and less about more helpful things and discussions. I'm not saying the memes etc are wrong and shouldn't be a part of it too, but idk, I just wish there would be more of an actual community bond, if that makes sense? To help the people who aren't yet at the stage where they can view their identity as something great, people who are still struggling and are reliant on online communities for that kind of help.

Because for all the talk about the very active Tumblr aspec community...I personally haven't seen and benefitted much of it, apart from the memes etc. And I hope I'm not the only person who don't just want to agree with meme posts and would wish for more. Or am I just unfortunate? Looking in the wrong places? (In short, where are the nice supportive ace people of Tumblr? I'm desperate here...well, kind of.)

---

Something related to the books I mentioned in the original post:

these books are all written from such an US-centric, university-educated and creative business viewpoint. And that's just not my world at all, as an mostly unemployed European with crappy education.

Like, one time it was mentioned that aces always look out for each other and how great that is. And yeah, sure. It is. It would be great, but what about the people who aren't part of that lucky network or community? People who possibly haven't met another aspec person in real life? They are missing that kind of support, and maybe it would be the one thing that would make everything easier.

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Another thing: I found the probably supposed to be inspirational stories from other aces in the books rather disheartening. Yeah, fine, so person XY found their perfect partner by luck, despite whatever made them think it would never work out, yadda yadda. Good for them, but that's not gonna happen to me, right? I'm not gonna strike that jackpot and will find someone who accepts me as I am. Maybe I'm just a really, really spiteful person, but stories like that don't inspire me or show me what's possible for me personally in any way.

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Well, yeah, I never encountered that. Like, truly never. That's one thing where I'm very ace: I don't get what's supposed to be sexy about a (mostly) naked body. I understand a appeal of a open top button and bit of chest being visible or something like that (lol that sounded so stupid), but the body being in full view? Nah man, put on your shirt again before you catch a cold, lol. (And it's not just guys actually, but people of all genders, if I'm honest.) I should probably add that I absolutely don't mind seeing anything like that, it just doesn't do anything for me.

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I guess my takeaway from all the reading I did isn't like for other people who don't feel wrong or broken anymore when they find out there are other aces out there. Even after knowing a lot about it I still feel like some crucial part of me is missing, and I could be more than what I am if that were possible. But then again, there isn't really a possibility for change, so I need to do my best to accept this. I just wish I had it easy one single time...why is basically everything about me so hard to accept? lol

Idk, but if I ever manage to convince myself that inevitably dying alone one day (and spending the time until then alone too) is a good thing, then I'm sure I'll be able to do anything. Now I only need to figure out how to convince myself and that's where it gets difficult, lol.

Being both aspec and too dumb/awkward to make friends is such a curse tbh 😓 And I can't even become a crazy cat lady because I'm bad with animals too, ugh...

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In connection with the previous bit, I'm kinda envious of that way of thinking. Would make things much easier, I assume. And it's great if it worked for her, but I on the contrary would find it quite painful if I look back at my in a sense similar life.

---

And to counter all the hopelessness a little bit - we're supposed to do that kind of thing, I guess - I tried my best to come up with some positive points, although I take them with a grain of salt myself.

- Well, it does give me an explanation for whatever is going on with me. (Although I only need that explanation for myself, since I seem to give off so much sad loser energy that no one ever bothered to ask me whether I want a boyfriend or kids. They just look at me and think "nah, that's obviously impossible for her". Which is oddly funny yet a little bit hurtful... ^^')

- I'm kind of glad that I never actually have to hug people or cuddle with them since I hate physical contact so much, lol. Doesn't matter if it's platonic or not. Remember when everyone missed being hugged during the pandemic? Couldn't be me :D

- I guess someone who is a rather bad person with way too many negative traits like me shouldn't be on the dating market anyway, so it's a plus that I'm no relationship material. Although that's more of a plus for others, not so much for me, lol. But it is a plus in the sense that everyone I would fall in love with would be unattainable for me anyway, so it's good not to be tempted in the first place.

- Idk, that's about it, I think? Maybe I forgot something, but I believe that's the gist of it. Kind of sad, but I tried, haha.

#aspec #aroace #acespec #arospec #asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #lgbtqia #queer #i sure hope this will be the last part but i guarantee for nothing

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spicesweet · 2 months

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rise and shine, girls 🤍

happy Monday! it's gonna be a very important and busy week for me, so I'm both dreading it as well as looking forward to it. and just to really drive the point home, I woke up at 4am, full of energy after sleeping like a baby, and I already had to do like six things before even sitting down for coffee. which I'll need like, three cups of~

weather forecast predicts a lot of rain and lower temperatures this week too, no days over 30 degrees, and I'm just begging for it to be true. please, please let them get this one right. I so desperately need a break from the scorching hot days! summer has been going on for too long, it's been hot af since last September! it's hard to believe we're really doomed to see this situation getting worse every year. I'm so glad I don't have kids...

I still have two books to finish this week because I'm starting to get annoyed at myself by how slowly I'm reading them, and I've got so. much. I. want. to. read. so I'm really gonna have to be like extra efficient this week to get everything I need done quickly so I can squeeze in at least a couple of chapters everyday.

and, of course, at least 4km and 1h of yoga + pilates everyday of the week too! I'm not gonna miss a single day in March unless I literally can't stay on my feet! only 5kg to go until I reach my goal (I must have gained something during this weekend lol I'm not fooling myself) and I can finally get my bellybutton piercing. I'm not trying to give myself a 2nd deadline but I would love to have this happen before May. wish me luck!

let's be extra grateful for our beautiful lives this week, girls 🤍

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ruthlesslistener · 6 months

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Hello! I'm not sure what proper etiquette is here so I hope I'm not overstepping, pls feel free to ignore if I am. You mentioned in a tag and/or post about having estrogen allergy? My wife is dealing with that, and it's... so difficult, most doctors don't know what it is and we thought we had a short term solution so she could finally get some sleep (she hardly sleeps at all anymore because of nightly itching). It's so hard to find ANY information on it and we're not sure how to proceed anymore. Just...wondering if you have any information at all? I'm sorry if this sounds desperate, it's because...it is lol.

Thanks kindly, from, your friendly neighborhood very worried lesbian wife.

Dw anon, you're not overstepping!! I've been in hormone hell since I was 13 so I know how much of a relief it is to find someone who understands for once. I don't believe that me or my mom (who's also affected) have the same allergic reactions that your wife is experiencing, but I'm hoping that I can help anyways.

Okay so first off, the doctors not knowing about estrogen allergies is bullshit. They may not be super common, but they've also been documented since at LEAST 1921. Just a cursory google search has yielded two scientific articles about it (that looked legit when I scanned through them before going to lecture, where I'm typing this rn), which I'll put right here:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5745953/

https://waojournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40413-017-0176-x

I'd suggest trying to read through medical journal articles on it because despite the density of the information and the difficulty of the language, medical articles tend to be more comprehensive about the symptoms and causes than ones written for the general public. They also mean that you have the language to confront doctors about it if you wish- which you'll have to do, because if she's experiencing an allergic reaction like itchieness, then I'd also be concerned about potential anaphalaxis if her reactions get more severe. The intolerance that me and my mother had manifested in different ways (migraines, muscle weakness, disorintation, being hypersensitive to food/unable to keep food down, extreme drowsieness leading to being bed-bound), but those weren't quite on the level of being so itchy that you can't sleep. A more typical allergic reaction is something to be concerned about and I highly suggest not only stressing this to your doctor, but also getting confrontational about it and meeting multiple different doctors if needed before you get care. Force them to run tests, force them to listen to you. That's my biggest regret when it comes to my hormone issues, because they just got progressively worse and worse until I had to go to the ER for it. Turns out that I was not only estrogen intolerant, I also had hypothyroidism! And nobody in 10 years of appointments thought to check for that!!

As for what helps me and my mom, I found that progesterone hormone treatment was effective for us both (until it stopped working for me, but I still don't know why that is. It works for my mother). You might want to be cautious about trying this because in the articles I read, some people were just as sensitive to progesterone, but it's worth a shot. I used to get the DEPO-provera (or however its spelled) shot to offset the issues caused by estrogen, which is an injection once every few months. I also found that once I went on testosterone that a good chunk of my hormonal health issues straight-up vanished, but obviously that's not exactly the best option for everyone. I'm on a masculinizing dose so maybe you can do a really super low-grade dose, but I'm telling you about it mostly just to get the point across that HRT works. It's not just for trans people- cis people get hormone fuckery and need hormone therapy as well.

But there's also proposed solutions in the articles I linked, so I hope those are helpful or give you an idea of treatment options. Best of luck!

#anon #reply #hormone problems suck so much im sorry

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starglitterz · 1 year

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hi hi hi hello!!!!!! can i please be added to the taglist for serendipity? can't wait to see this story unfold!! i wish you good luck and long-lasting motivation and inspiration!<33

hello bby!! ty for being so sweet, i really appreciate the motivation (bc i desperately need it LOL) and i'm so glad you're excited to see it !! trust me i am equally as hyped 🤭 and yupyup i'll add you to the taglist ! <3

#📧 — mail !#📎 — taglist !#chuduchok💌

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imagining-in-the-margins · 2 years

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Hey friends! I desperately need to answer some anons now that I am a little more caught up on things 😅 I have a TON to get through, so get ready for multiple posts! I keep getting overwhelmed whenever I try so I am gonna push through... hopefully!

(1) Thank you (and everyone else who has sent love) so much for your kind words. I promise I've been reading and rereading them all. Everything that I do on here is for people like you who take time out of their day to say kind things to strangers. I wish you luck with writing, friend. I'm sure you won't need it.

(2) I'm so happy to hear that I helped reinvigorate your love for fanfic! I hope things are easy for you, too. We're gonna get through whatever is in front of us ❤️

(3) I sent this message to all of my friends immediately after you sent it. It's saved on my phone. It's my favorite thing I've ever been told. I love you and I hope you are having a wonderful day and month and year and life.

(4) I'm going to give you the lawyer answer of "it depends." I work on a lot of cases that involve Bioethics, but for the most part it's something I research in my free time. Obviously, I've had a lot to read lately. I did have to do a lot of work interpreting Dobbs (the SCOTUS case overturning Roe v. Wade) for my job recently. It was very draining.

(5) You should get a Tumblr! They're fun! But I'm also on AO3 or Wattpad if you prefer. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. You are always welcome here ☺️

(6) What the hell this is the nicest thing I've ever heard 😭 I'm glad I can make you feel things. I definitely feel every emotion I'm writing - I am a deeply empathetic person (to a fault, lol). I'm glad I'm not suffering alone 😝

(7) Honestly, I don't know. I ask myself every day. Angst is just so much fun. I love mess.

(8) I don't, I'm sorry. Based on their last few posts, it sounds like they got a new job and are just living their best life. It's sad to see friends in fandom leave. I wish I had a better update for you, but I like to imagine they're happy.

(9) [Kitten Love] Thank you for the feedback! I had fun writing it. It's actually based loosely on something that happened to me 😅 I never said I was bright.

(10) Oh no! Hahah, that's so sad. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be around. I'm glad you found your way back ☺️

I made it through the first 10! See you soon (hopefully) for the next!

#answer #answered

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gaybabything · 23 days

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Ooooh I wish you luck with your tests! Those things gave me so much anxiety. I always hated the teachers that would wander around silently and it always felt like they were judging you. It's funny, now that I am (sorta?) and teacher, I know the teachers are just SO bored. They aren't allowed to do anything and they HAVE to wander around silently to "make sure nobody is cheating" or whatever. So, I find solace in the fact that the boredom and awkwardness went both ways lol.

As for what else I have been doing? I started a new D&D campaign with some new friends and have been desperately trying to motivate myself to update LS. I swear the closer I get to finales the harder it is for me to make it :/

My next questions are: OH MY GOSH CAN I SEE YOUR SHARKS?!?! PLEASE?!?!? And hmmmm, do you ever get test anxiety?

Thanks, I'm gonna need all the luck I can get lol

Here is Throckmorton the Thresher Shark! (Named after my skateboarding cousin, Throckmorton) He's a little lumpy and only has the very first base coat of paint, but I love him nonetheless :)

(I don't have any better photos right now, but I'll do a photoshoot when he's finished)

And I ABSOLUTELY get test anxiety. Even when I'm confident I'm gonna do good on one I still get so nervous about it. And if it's for math or chemistry I'll be like "I know the equation needed for this problem!" And then my brain goes "But what if you're remembering it wrong?!?! Incorrect!!! You have misremembered everything you have ever learned ever!!!" But then it turns out fine in the end so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As for my next question: Do you have a favorite shark? (Specifically one you'd like to see in cardboard form?)

#mutuals my beloved

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white-eyed-girl · 4 months

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Nooooonononono

I know KEiiNO are back in MGP but, and I know this probably makes me a bad fan, but you could not pay me enough to follow Damdiggida's journey the way I did Monument's :" I still have war flashbacks from that night in 2021

I don't know if their new song can live up to Monument, I fear not because how could it, and I don't know how strong their opponents are, but I think I'll reserve the Tattoo treatment to it, I'll reserve my judgement and won't listen to it until it comes out of its national final while silently cheering for it from here and wishing them all the luck in the world (it brought some luck to Loreen alright lol)

I desperately need something to finally make me go back to wanting to watch Eurovision this year, and they could definitely be a valid incentive not gonna lie

#keiino #mgp 2024 #melodi grand prix 2024 #eurovision 2024 #eurovision song contest

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mypoisonedvine · 3 years

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Side Effects | Bruce Banner x reader

summary: you never know what might be in the beakers at another chemist's station. you never know which of your colleagues might come along just in the knick of time to become the only antidote to your affliction.

word count: 3.6k

warnings: smut! (dub con due to sex pollen), semi-public sex (because technically someone could have walked by but unlikely), guilt/hesitance, kinda pining??, fingering, creampie,

a/n: yes, this is an accurate depiction of emergency shower protocol in a chemical lab and yes it is every lab technician's worst nightmare. thankfully the other stuff is not an accurate depiction of any known chemical, lol.

You wiped your forehead with a tired sigh, staring down at the calculations in front of you before using your pen to scribble over them before tearing out the page and throwing it away.

“You still do that by hand?” Bruce interjected, making you look up at where he was leaning in the doorway to the lab, watching you work.

“Oh, Dr. Banner!” you greeted with a smile, wondering if it was too ecstatic. You weren’t so good at the ‘playing it cool’ thing like he seemed to be.

“We have all those fancy screens and digital whiteboards, you know,” he explained as he stepped in and looked around at your work. “Not to mention the computer can do that stuff for you.”

“I know,” you scoffed, “but I always feel better doing it myself, on real paper. Not that I’m having any luck at the moment…”

"Here, I'll give them a quick look while you take a break," he offered, glancing at the numbers from over your shoulder. "You just get up and stretch your legs for a minute, doc."

You always thought it was sort of silly for him to call you that when he was a doctor as well, but you didn't complain.

Regardless, you were about to tell him that it was fine and you didn't need a break, but he was leaning in closer to take your seat and the proximity was so intimidating that you hopped up and went along with it anyways. He sat down and pondered your calculations while you circled the lab, taking a moment to appreciate how nice it felt to stand up and move around after sitting for so long.

"Your handwriting is…" Bruce trailed off, adjusting his glasses.

"Feminine and graceful?" you finished sarcastically.

"Sure," he chuckled.

"Yeah, just like me—" you started to quip, but mid-sentence you (ironically) stumbled and tripped, using a nearby table to catch yourself— but you accidentally grabbed onto a beaker, which tipped over and smashed onto the ground. The liquid inside spilled onto the floor just before you did, and you winced as you fell into the puddle of the unknown substance.

“Shit!” you hissed as you scrambled to get up, looking down at your clothes and seeing they were covered in the fluid, which was beginning to evaporate, or steam, or something. Remembering lab safety protocols, you instantly began to strip, closing your eyes and wishing Bruce hadn’t come in just before this. As you shirked your lab coat, shirt, and skirt, you walked to the emergency shower, pulling the lever and gasping when the chilly stream of water poured down on you. Bruce looked at you with wide eyes before being kind enough to turn around as you shivered and removed your bra and underwear, now completely naked and weakly scrubbing yourself with your hands in hopes that none of the chemical had gotten onto your skin.

“What is it?” he asked nervously, turning his head back enough that you could hear him over the flow of water, but hopefully not so much that he could see anything important.

“I don’t know,” you answered, “it’s not mine. It’s something Dr. Sutherland was working on…”

“Is it… are you in pain at all?” he asked, even more concerned, and you tried to decide if you could feel any effects.

“N-no…” you answered hesitantly. You felt hot, and strange, and you were covered in rolling chills, but you figured that was just the situation you were in— naked in a tepid shower in front of your coworker who just so happened to be incredibly sexy.

“I should call poison control,” Bruce offered as he reached for his cell phone.

“No, I’m fine,” you denied as the water flow slowed down and you wiped your face, confident that you looked like a complete mess— but at least you saved yourself from whatever was in that beaker, right?

“Here,” Bruce offered an emergency blanket to you after pulling it off a nearby shelf, and it was not at all absorbent but it helped with the draft as you stepped away from the shower which was still leaking the last few drops of water onto the drain on the floor.

“Thank you,” you nodded nervously, shivering and dripping and looking back at him with no idea what to say at all.

“Do you feel alright? I should check you for burns,” he suggested. “I— I won’t look…”

“Please,” you sighed, pulling the blanket a bit to expose your chest and stomach. He brushed his hand over the skin there, making you instantly whine as heat burned just under your skin, clouding your mind and making you crave even more.

"Did that hurt?" he asked anxiously, pulling away, but you stepped closer.

"No it's… it's good, it's so good."

He furrowed his brow as he looked down at you, putting the back of his hand to your forehead. "You're burning up, doc, you must be running a fever of 105."

"Touch me more, please," you whimpered. It was like you were in a dream, everything foggy and distant, and the only time that anything made sense was when he touched you. Or maybe it was that his touch sent you further into delirium; you couldn't be sure.

He gasped when he looked at your quivering legs only to find slick arousal running down the inside of them, threatening to drip onto the floor.

"Oh," he sighed.

"Please," you begged mindlessly, "Dr. Banner, I n-need you…"

"No, you need medical attention."

You whined and grabbed as his shirt, humming at the feeling of his warm skin just beneath. If the forearms that he often left exposed in rolled-up sleeves were anything to go buy, his chest was probably toned and tanned, lightly dusted with dark hair… you were all but drooling at the thought. "Please, Bruce… just help me," you pleaded, looking up into his eyes which were swirling with conflict.

"I can't," he shook his head. "I'd be taking advantage."

He must have seen the heartbreak of rejection make you wince, because he tried to soothe you with his hands resting on your arms— even just that contact making you suppress a moan.

"I've wanted this for so long," he explained, "and you— you haven't. You're unwell, you need to go to a hospital."

You sobbed a little at the idea of being taken away from him and examined by strangers, when you knew the solution was right in front of you. "No, no Bruce they'll touch me! Nobody can touch me but you, I only want you."

He scoffed, but you heard the weakness in it and you needed him to give in soon before you melted from your own hear. "You're deranged— delirious," he reiterated.

"It'll feel so good, please Bruce, I'll be so good for you— anything you want, I'll do it, I'm yours."

"Stop talking like that," he winced. "I can't… I can't."

"I need to feel you inside me, Dr. Banner, I need it more than anything. It's just gonna get worse… please, help me. I want you. I trust you."

"You'll hate me in the morning," he asserted. "God, this is so wrong…"

But much to your relief, he reached down and hesitantly slid his thick middle finger through your folds, gasping gently as he felt how wet you were. "I should t-take you somewhere private."

"No, need you now— right here," you pleaded, trying to chase his touch with your hips.

"But if someone came by—" he began to fret, glancing at the door; but his attention was turned back to you by your hands weaving into his hair.

"Nobody else stays this late, god, Bruce please I just need you so bad—"

He cut you off with a sudden kiss, which was enough on its own to make warmth bloom in your gut, but then he started to move his finger again and you shuddered with a moan that was muffled by his lips.

"Maybe I can make you come like this," he offered as he pulled back just enough to whisper to you, "would that help you? It'll take the edge off."

You bucked and moaned against his fingers, just those subtle touches driving you wild. "N-no, it has to be inside! You have to fuck me, I need your cock."

He breathed through his teeth, like he was almost considering it, but then looked away. "I can't," he shook his head.

"Can't or won't?"

He frowned. "Won't. I'll get you off with my fingers, otherwise it would be… too selfish."

"Bruce, I'm literally begging you for it," you sighed, the irritated tone that you'd intended lost in the moans he elicited by rubbing your swollen clit.

"I know," he winced, "I know and it's killing me that I can't give you what you're asking for… I swear if it wasn't like this…" he trailed off as you looked up at him with your bottom lip between your teeth.

"What would it be like?" you asked lowly. "Tell me how you would fuck me."

For all his shyness before, there was a brief switch in his demeanor as he leaned in, breath hot against your neck as he whispered, two fingers sliding into your channel at the exact moment that he spoke.

"So fucking hard."

You whimpered, knees wobbling a bit as you tried to ride his fingers— but he wasn't pushing back, wasn't giving you enough force to balance against when you sought more friction. "P-please, Bruce— I know you want to, please, please baby I need it so bad…"

"I know," he breathed, free hand cradling your face as his thumb stroked your cheek, and it was so needlessly compassionate, so effortlessly soothing that your heart had no choice but to clench at his tenderness. Other parts of you clenched as well, in much more literal ways, but the heart thing was more important.

You gingerly reached forward and palmed his cock through his pants, moaning when you felt how hard it was. "You're desperate, too," you informed him with a little smile. "It hurts, doesn't it? It aches."

"Yes," he answered tensely.

"I'm hurting too. I'm aching, for you. Please, Bruce, help me."

As he pulled back and examined your face, he chewed his lip and contemplated. He couldn't stand to see you in pain, but he couldn't comprehend what he had to do to help you. Well, okay, that's not totally accurate because he had actually "comprehended" the idea of making love to you plenty of times. But that was just a fantasy, a very misguided one that he only indulged in in his weakest moments. And in those fantasies, shockingly enough, you were always completed lucid and of sound mind and body. He sadly could not say that for you at the moment, and of course he couldn't because of course when you were sober and healthy, you didn't see him that way.

Bruce prided himself on his logic, his integrity, his patience. Suddenly, those qualities were falling prey to a much deeper, carnal instinct that saw this not as a predicament but as an opportunity. Logic states, after all, that it would be wasteful to have everything he wanted thrown into his lap and to let it go to waste.

"Fuck," he groaned as he kissed you again, fucking you faster with his fingers. You moaned and went for his belt, barely managing to open it with your hands shaking so much; part of you had considered just trying to rip the leather off of him, and with the force of your need it seemed almost plausible.

Finally getting his trousers opened just enough to reach inside, you purred as you reached in and navigated past his boxers to wrap your fingers around his hard cock. It was so thick and smooth and hot and you almost wanted to drop to your knees and take it in your throat right then, but you had better plans.

He pulled his fingers out of you slowly, grinning against you at the way you whined, before wrapping his arms around you and quickly instructing you to jump.

It was infuriating, how easily he caught you when you wrapped your body around him. Infuriating and so painfully sexy.

He never broke the kiss as he walked the two of you to your lab table, sliding the papers aside and onto the floor to set you on it. You started on his aggravatingly-small shirt buttons while he pushed his trousers and boxers down the rest of the way, and god his cock was right there between your legs, so close but very much too far away for your liking.

You didn't have the time or energy to get his shirt off, settling for just running your hands over the exposed skin instead. He grinned and watched the path your hands made, hissing slightly when they wrapped around his shaft— for a second you swore you could feel it throb.

"Don't make me wait anymore," you whispered your plea, sighing a little when he nodded.

"Okay baby," he agreed.

"Been waiting so long," you whined.

"Me too," he nodded, and with a little push, his cock slid all the way into you and filles you to the brim. Even when you were completely drenched, the girth of him was so wide that it stung, that it tore you open, but you loved it. Your head fell back and just from him being inside you, you came. The substance had you so needy and sensitive that that was all it took. It wasn't enough yet, of course. You knew you needed more. But God, he felt so good you could hardly breathe.

"Baby," you heard Bruce gasp, his fingers digging into your hips. Your chest twisted when he laughed a little, breathless and just teetering on the line between complimentary and mocking. "Did you just come?"

You considered playing dumb, but nodded instead.

His smile was apparent when he pressed his lips just below your ear to suck on the delicate skin there, his teeth trailing up to nibble your earlobe lightly. You hoped he would leave a mark, you hoped he would leave lots of marks that you could remember this by for weeks to come.

"Couldn't help yourself, huh?" he asked breathlessly, whispering so quietly you could barely hear it over the beating of your own pulse which echoed in your ears.

"You feel so good," you justified, "so fucking good, Bruce."

"You too," he sighed as he finally pulled back and slid into you again, the friction making your back arch instantly. "Even better than I imagined."

You smiled and wrapped your legs around his hips, forcing him to push deeper with each thrust. When he pushed you to your limits it felt like you might just fall apart right there, but it was so worth it.

As if that wasn't enough, he reached down and circled a thumb over your overstimulated clit, grinning down at you at the sight of you writhing and bucking wildly in his arms.

"Fuck!" you cried as you tightened your hands on his shoulders into fists hard enough to risk tearing through his shirt.

"Too much?"

"More," you pleaded instead, crying out when he gave you exactly what you wanted with fast, rough thrusts into your drenched walls. "Yes," you sobbed, "yes, fuck— m'gonna come, Bruce, gonna come again."

"Go ahead," he encouraged, voice so much rougher than normal, "show me how good it feels, baby."

It felt like his words were the thin that pushed you over the edge, as if your body somehow both understood and obeyed his command. You could feel a renewed wave of slick leak out from you, enough that you could hear the wetness in each slap of his hips against yours. His name was somewhere in the litany of curses and praises that spilled from your lips, your mind too clouded with hazy pleasure to keep track of what you were actually saying.

"Just like that," he groaned, "doing so good, fuck, say my name just like that every time I make you come."

An easy enough stricture to follow, especially when it seemed like he was all you could think about. He looked so different with his clothes half-shorn and his eyes dark with lust. He hadn't taken his glasses or labcoat off and you weren't sure which of those you were happier about.

His lips and hands were all over you; you couldn't even keep track of everywhere he was touching you, that's how overwhelming it was. "God, you're so fucking perfect," he groaned against your skin, finding a hardened nipple as his tongue explored you and wrapping his lips around it. "You are so goddamn sexy, you know that? I love seeing you with your legs spread for me like a needy little whore. I love hearing you moan and knowing I'm the one making you feel this good."

He took a moment to look at you and soak in your shocked reaction to his words before leaning in to continue.

"I love feeling you come for me," he purred in your ear.

"Then you're gonna really like what I'm about to do," you shivered.

"Yeah? You can gimme another one already?" he smiled. "Such a good girl…"

You really couldn't help it, it felt like everything he did only enhanced your pleasure— his words, his hands all over you, not to even mention his cock inside you. As much as the hedonistic corner of your brain was happy to let this go on forever, the ramifications of constant orgasms were finally catching up with you as you wondered how much more of this you could take.

"F-fuck, are you close?" you asked weakly. "Want you to come for me, Bruce, please."

"I-I'll pull out," he suggested, although the way he looked down at his length sinking into you and pulling back out, covered in your abundant arousal, didn't exactly indicate that he was willing and able to actually make good on his offer.

"No!" you yelped, pulling him closer by his unbuttoned shirt. "It needs to be inside, Bruce, please come inside me."

"Fuck," he hissed through his teeth.

"Please, Bruce, please, promise you'll come inside."

"I will," he sighed, "fuck, I will baby, I promise I'm gonna fill you up so good, you're gonna have my come so fucking deep inside you…"

"Yes!" you moaned, completely unabashed as the unknown substance had apparently absolved you of any shame whatsoever. "Yes, I want it, Bruce, I want your come."

The moment you felt his seed start to paint your walls, you felt relief begin to wash over you. Your mind and body relaxed, the overwhelming heat under your skin subsiding into a comforting warmth, the desperation that had burned in your gut satiated at last.

And that left you staring up at him in realization of what you had done, just as he looked back at you with the same.

"God, I'm so sorry—" he shuddered, moving to pull away. Instinctively your legs wrapped around his hips again, holding him close.

"N-no, wait," you groaned, "it's okay. Don't go."

"You don't hate me," he said, the exhaustion in his tone making it hard to tell if it was a question or a statement.

"Never," you sighed with a weak smile, sitting up to clutch his face and kiss him again. "God, Bruce, now I'm just wondering what took us so long."

"Our lab safety is just too good, clearly," he smiled as he kissed you again, pulling back a little too soon to examine your face where he held it in his hands. "Are you okay? You should still probably go to a doctor…"

"I'm already with a doctor," you smirked, "and his treatment was very effective."

"Yeah, that was…" he trailed off, wide eyes as if he were reminiscing about what had only just transpired.

"Sorry for being so… desperate," you cringed. "I didn't mean to… um… impose…"

He just laughed and kissed your forehead, making you feel your cheeks warm a bit; ironic that with everything that had just happened, this was what made you blush. "A beautiful, amazing woman that I've been dreaming about for months begs me to take her in the laboratory… really inconvenient."

"I mean, cleaning up these papers and the broken glass is gonna be pretty tedious, along with the incident report," you frowned.

"I'll help you with it," he offered.

"Tomorrow," you decided. "Right now, I'm taking you to my place."

"Is that so?" he asked with a bemused smirk.

"Yep. We both are in serious need of a shower, and then I wanna go again," you grinned wickedly.

"I thought you said you weren't feeling the effects of the chemical anymore," he recalled, voice tinted with concern.

"I'm not," you reassured, "I'm just feeling the effects of you."

#bruce banner x reader #bruce banner x you #bruce banner smut #bruce banner x y/n

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tealenko · 2 years

Text

Didn't Have the Heart (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2: Walk of Shame

I should be writing LBIG lol But here I am (There's a part in that fic that needs to be written before one in this one so... Wish me luck catching up with the prequel or I'll have to put a halt on this one before finishing the other) Btw, don't mind me... I feel like no one reads these things, so I mainly use them to vent or for my future self to read and have a good laugh

Summary: Shepard goes for a cup (or ten) of coffee after getting out of Kaidan's room but, unfortunately for her, she doesn't think of drinking it in private. Unable to escape, she finds herself forced to establish conversations while she regrets the large amount of alcohol she consumed the day before.

Words: 1766 Rating: Teens and up Warning: Language.

Read in AO3 -> [link] Previous Chapter -> [Link] Next Chapter -> [Link] Through Hell and Back series -> [link]

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Shepard spends a couple of seconds frozen on the hallway, trying her best to calm down, fanning herself with one hand and feeling her cheeks blushing as her heart pounds with the strength of a hammer against her chest.

For the love of every living creature in this universe, Mio. You’re thirty two years old, not some giggly teenager crashing hard for the prom king. Stop blushing.

She reprehends herself, shaking her head a couple of times as an attempt to go back to her normal self.

He wasn’t even awake when you said it… So go back to your usual self and forget about it for the time being.

She starts walking towards the kitchen, in desperate need of a cup of coffee, and one she’s got hold of the whole pot, she follows her usual ritual and sits alone to drink one cup after the other until the whole jar is almost empty.

“Shepard!” Liara calls her from afar, distracting her a few seconds from her cup of coffee. “See, I told you she’d be here.” The asari says to Tali, who is walking by her side, both of them headed in her direction.

“Someone died?” Shepard asks, massaging her temples with her fingertips. “Any emergency?”

“No, no… Just wanted to catch up with you.”

“We’d been meaning to do so since yesterday, but you’ve been hard to track.” Liara adds, with a hint of concern on her face.

“Yeah! Which is so out of character for you, Shepard… We were starting to worry.”

Tali and Liara stare at her for a few seconds, suddenly noticing the messy hair, the dark circles under her eyes and the overall destroyed posture she has, gripping the cup of coffee like it’s the only thing keeping her from falling off her chair, which, to be honest, probably is.

“Are you alr…”

“I’m fine…” Shepard cuts Tali before she’s able to finish her question, but both friends look at her in disbelief, so she tries one more time. “I am!”

Shepard stops talking for a few seconds, grabbing her head with her free hand as she curses herself for raising her tone of voice so much.

“I’m fine.” She repeats, almost whispering.

“You don’t seem fine…”

Shepard chugs the rest of her coffee and pours some more.

“So…” She tries again, ignoring their concern. “What did you want to discuss?”

The two friends share a worried look and, after a second of hesitation, they decide to follow Shepard’s lead and ignore her current state, sitting down on the chairs placed in front of her.

“We wanted to talk to you about Garrus and James…”

Shepard lowers her head fearing the worst.

“What have they done now?”

“Huh?”

“Sorry… You were saying?”

“Well… They went for drinks yesterday, to relax a little I suppose.” Tali starts explaining. “But they’ve been whispering and obsessing over something since then… And we don’t know what.”

“Shit…” Shepard says, mainly to herself, remembering what happened the previous night.

“We’re starting to worry about them… Maybe, with all the alcohol, they said something they shouldn’t have?”

“No, no… I… Well, fuck.” Shepard huffs and takes a sip of her coffee trying to put all of her thoughts in order. “I did… Not them.”

“What?”

“Just… Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.”

“But…”

“Please trust me, I know how to fix it.”

“Okay, if you say so…” Tali is not very sure about it, but she knows her friend well enough to know when she’s telling the truth. “Thanks, Shepard.”

“My pleasure.”

They’re about to leave when, out of nowhere, Javik pulls up a chair and sits next to Shepard, doing it so smoothly that it would’ve scared Shepard to death in any other circumstance. But, lucky for her, to feel frightened one needs, first and foremost, to feel alive.

“Commander.” He salutes her, nodding a little to greet her two friends a second later. “I’m glad to see you took my advice… Although I must admit I didn't think the process would be this harmful for you.”

Shepard smiks, already knowing what it’s about to happen if she stays there for any longer.

“Well… If you excuse me.” She says as an attempt to run away, but Liara quickly grabs her by the hand, forcing her to stay in place.

“What advice? You say you were fine, Shepard.”

“And I’m fine… In fact, never better.” She smiles, trying to erase the concern on her friends faces as Javik ignores the whole conversation. “Well, except for the war and all that, I mean.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah. Totally.”

“Shepard, please, stop lying to us! We know when…” Liara raises her voice at the same speed as her worry grows.

“Please!” Shepard hits the table with her free hand, regretting doing so the moment the loud sound starts to echo in her ears. “Liara…” She says, taking a second to calm herself and breathe. “I really appreciate the concern… But I’m riding a major hangover right now, which, if you’re still interested to know about, is a result from the same alcoholic baptism that caused Vega and Garrus to act so weird. So could you, please, if it’s not much to ask, lower your voice a little bit?”

“Sorry…”

“You. With a hangover.” Tali says, finding it hard to believe. “How?”

“Ryncol.”

“Ryncol!? Shepard are you cra…” The asari covers her mouth after seeing her friend’s expression, smiling a bit before resuming what she wanted to say, trying her best to lower her voice this time around. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to be so loud. But Shepard, really? Ryncol?”

“What? I was having a fun time.”

Liara laughs and gives up, relieved she was wrong about the whole thing.

“Was that Javik’s advice?” Tali inquiries. “For you to loosen up a little.”

“Yeah, kinda…” Shepard tries to deflect, but Javik quickly comes back to the conversation just to sink her back again in her misery.

“I actually told her to have sexual intercorse with someone before she imploded.” Tali and Liara stare at the prothean for a few seconds and then turn to see Shepard letting her head fall to rest her forehead against the table. “Is ‘loosen up’ supposed to be another term to say it in this cycle?“

“This isn’t happening.” Shepard says to herself, wondering why she stopped there to drink her coffee instead of stealing the whole pot to hide inside her cabin.

“On second thought, I actually don’t care that much about your primitive terms. I’ll go back to my thoughts.”

And, just as he arrived Javik quickly disappears, not even aware of the depth of the situation he’s just created for his commanding officer.

“Shepard? Wait… Is he right?” Liara asks, patiently waiting for an answer as Shepard sits up to keep drinking her coffee.

“Ahhh…” She sighs, assuming her defeat. “Yes… Yes he is.”

“And who…?” Both friends freeze at the same time as Tali finishes her line of thoughts. “Wait… Is that why Garrus and James are acting so weird?”

“Kinda…” Shepard admits, feeling a bit guilty about how the evening ended. “One has her priorities.”

“What?” Liara asks, confused, feeling like she’s missing something. “Then, I assume… You and the lieutenant…”

Shepard’s eyes wide open before she shakes her head a couple of times.

“Vega? Are you kidding me?” She tells them, surprised they would think that could ever happen. “Of course not.”

A terrified quiver travels through Tali’s body after eliminating James from the equation.

“Oh no…” She states, almost panicking.

“Nor Garrus. Of course!” Shepard reassures her, failing to hide her smile as she completes her sentence, knowing all too well where her friend’s fear comes from. “Plus, I think Vakarian already has something going on with someone…” She adds before raising her eyebrows, doing her best to avoid developing that smile into a full on laughter.

After the quick commotion, and a few seconds to go back to normal, both Tali and Liara are ready to hear the rest of Shepard’s explanation.

“We just got mega drunk and I ended up saying something I shouldn’t to get them to leave, that’s all.” She clarifies.

The quarian quickly accepts the explanation, silently thanking Shepard for not airing her romantic life and determined to do the same for her. The asari, on the other hand, who is still blind to the whole affair and, above all, fairly worried, has no intention of stopping the interrogation.

“And the whole deal about the sexual intercorse?”

Shepard laughs a little and rests all her weight on her chair, taking another sip of her drink.

“And here I was… Thinking you’d let me off the hook.” She shrugs and looks at her friends, taking a moment to find the right words to explain herself. “Well, affar from what Javik may think, I do consider this to be a private affair and, even though I really appreciate the concern Liara, I’d like it to keep it that way for as long as possible.” She adds before stopping for a second to think. “Which won’t be long, given the fact that Vega knows everything now… But, if I’m lucky, I’ll have a day or two more of peace before I have to deal with it.”

Shepard stands up and finishes what’s left of her drink.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to shave my tongue and pass out in my shower.” She smiles, lowering her head as a goodbye, and prepares to walk away. “Ladies… I’ll see you again later. Well… If what’s left of me survives what’s left of my hungover.”

And she starts to walk away.

Shepard makes it to the elevator faster than she imagined but, just when the door is about to close, she sees Liara, who has followed her from the kitchen area, getting inside of it to stand right by her side.

“Shepard…”

“Not now, Liara.”

Despite her warning the asari tries again.

“We have to talk.”

“Liara…”

“It’s for your best interest, Shepard, believe me.”

Shepard sighs and moves her head up to stare at the ceiling.

“I don’t really think this is going to end well, but… If you insist…”

The elevator stops at the top floor and Shepard walks into her cabin with Liara following one step behind her.

Once they’re in there she grabs a bottle of water and lets herself fall onto the couch, staring at the asari as this one tries to find the appropriate words to approach what she wants to say.

“I’m all ears, Liara… Talk.”

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You gotta love Javik. I only write about him here and there in my fics... But every time I write him something it truly makes may day lol Next one will be angsty (for my standards at least) Hope you're ready for it!!

#mass effect #commander shepard #kaidan alenko #shenko #shepard x kaidan #fshenko #mass effect 3 #femshep x kaidan #fanfic

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blueboltkatana · 3 years

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JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

#warning long post #long post #i am sorry #after intense study of this species i diagnose her with #gay homosexual gay #thank you everyone

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fangirl-favorites · 4 years

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I Need You (Shades Alvarez x Reader)

Note: I've had this storyline in mind for months and never found the courage to write it down. Mostly because I'm really afraid of picturing Shades incorrectly or ooc. Yet I decided to give it a shot and I hope someone will read it despite the fandom being dead lol. I have ideas for a second part though, so if there's some of you interested, please lmk, otherwise I'll keep it a oneshot.

Summary: Getting into a dangerous situation you have no other choice than to call your ex boyfriend, the one you so desperately try to forget.

Chapter: 1/?

Warnings: mentions of panic / fear, possible logic errors and grammar mistakes (please have mercy with me)

Words: 1270

________________

It was a cold night in New York when you made your way back from work. Working at the other side of the city and having to get back to Harlem in the middle of the night wasn't one of the best things about your life but especially not tonight - a night when everything seemed to go wrong.

Your mood wasn't the best with having to work late, then your bus being cancelled and absolutely no chance of getting a cab. All you had left was to walk all the way back home on foot through dubious neighborhoods and dimly lit streets.

And before having a chance to hold yourself back, you thought about him. How easily you would have just called him a few months ago, asking him to pick you up. But that was before you ended things. So calling him was definitely not an option. And even thinking about him still hurt, though you wouldn't admit that to yourself. You quickly pushed the thought away as you moved on along a quiet street, wishing you were already at home.

Still busy grumping about your bad luck tonight, you almost didn't notice them. There had been a strange feeling ever since you left work but you assumed it to be just the typical fear a woman had when she had to walk the streets alone in the dark. But the feeling of being followed grew stronger and stronger the further you walked. Trying your best to convince yourself that everything was ok, you pushed on, walking even faster. But after a while you couldn't take it anymore and you slowly turned your head, to look over your shoulder. Just a few steps behind you, you could see the silhouettes of two men, one bigger than the other. 'Don't be silly, they're just walking home, just like you.', you tried to calm yourself.

But when they were still behind you a few blocks later and after taking various turns, you weren't that sure anymore. Turning your head slightly left, you could see their reflections in a shop window. Didn't they close in on you? That was when panic started to fill you.

What do they want from me? What can I do? I'm all alone here. What if they want to hurt me? What if...

But you couldn't allow your panic to overwhelm you completely, you needed to somehow get rid of them. Increasing your pace you walked faster and faster, desperately trying to throw them off. When you rushed around the next corner, you spotted something that could at least buy you some time: a small diner that still seemed to be open. Without a second thought you hurried inside.

Taking a seat furthest away from the window, fear started to seize hold of you again.

What now? I can't stay here all night. What if they wait for me outside? I have nowhere left to go.

And suddenly, calling Hernan didn't seem too much of a bad idea. Wasn't he used to dealing with situations like this one? Didn't he say he'd always protect you, no matter what?

But isn't he the real danger? I need to stay away from him. Calling him is wrong. But do I have a choice?

Asking your ex boyfriend for help was something you'd consider only in an absolute emergency. But that certainly was the case right now. After a short inner debate with yourself, you put out your phone and dialed his number.

****

Hernan had always been busy, but since he was working for Luke Cage, the new King of Harlem, he was busier than ever. Yet, when his phone rang, and he saw it was her, he forgot everything else and worry started to flood his mind. She hadn't called him for months. And with the way she had left him, the only reason for her to call him, was that she got into trouble.

Without hesitating he accepted the call, immediately hearing her voice: "Hernan a-are you there? I need your help.", she sounded rushed and nervous. Putting himself together, he tried to sound as calm as possible, when he answered. "Y/N, where are you?"

***

Twenty minutes after you had called him, he already arrived. And yet - to you - it felt like you had been waiting for ages. But in the moment when he finally came through the door, you felt safe. Under normal circumstances you would hate yourself for that, but nothing was normal right now, was it?

You jumped up and rushed towards him, almost tripping over your own feet. As you stood before him, you could smell his familiar scent and had to fight the urge not to fall into his arms.

Don't forget why you left him. He's a criminal. You shouldn't feel safe around him. You're over him. Over him.

"I came as fast as I could, what happened?", he began, his voice calm and stoic, but one look into his eyes told you how worried he had been for you. For just a moment you thought he would take your hand and a small part of you was disappointed when he didn't.

The sense of calm Hernan radiated made you feel better immediately, you had to admit that. But you still needed to get out of here. "Can we leave at first, please?"

His car was parked directly in front of the diner and when the two of you finally took off, you told him everything about the two guys supposedly following you. After you finished your story, he was quiet for a moment. Just when you started feeling uneasy, he broke the silence. "Did you see how they looked like?"

Concentrating for a moment, you tried your best to remember. "It was dark and they had their hoods on, but I remember one of the guys being really small." You thought for a moment, then you remembered what you had seen in the reflection of a shop window.

"The other one was pretty big... and had this strange tattoo on his hand." You swore, you could see Hernan stiffen for a moment, then it passed and left you confused. "What tattoo?", it was his calm voice again. You could see the tattoo in your mind. "It was green, a snake - maybe a cobra?" Now he definitely stiffened.

"Hernan, talk to me. What do you know?" No answer. "Hernan!", you almost shouted this time, which seemed to rip him out of his thoughts. "We'll talk about this at home." You needed a moment to let his answer sink in, then you noticed where he was driving. This was not the way to your apartment.

"Hernan what the hell are y-", but he wouldn't let you finish. "Y/N, I won't leave you alone right now, you're in danger. You're staying at mine until this issue is resolved." You opened your mouth, ready to protest, just to be cut off by him again. "I won't discuss this with you right now. I need to protect you. You'll have to trust me for now." You wanted to protest, needed to, but realised it was of no use.

Sitting in his car quietly, you wondered what was scaring you more, being follwed by dubious guys in the middle of the night, or being at Hernan's mercy, your criminal ex-boyfriend, the one that lied to you, that kept you in the dark about his past, the one you thought you were over but maybe weren't over after all. You didn't know the answer to that question. But you were afraid you'd find out soon enough.

________________

Tags: @kchavez666, @natsukitakama, @kilyra

#Shades Alvarez #Hernan Alvarez #Shades Alvarez x reader #Hernan Alvarez x reader #Shades Alvarez imagine #Hernan Alvarez imagine #Luke Cage #Luke Cage imagine #Marvel #Marvel imagine #MCU #Shades #fic #series #myfic

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demonlullaby · 4 years

Text

Road to Kingdom ep.1

SPOILERS AHEAD

This is my unbiased review of the performances. It's entirely my own opinion.

Premise: I'm watching the show because I stan Pentagon but I also follow Oneus and The Boyz. I occasionally listen to ONF and Golden Child as well, TOO is the only group I know nothing of. I'm only reviewing tonight's performances according to MY taste, not the group as a whole, so please take this as the unbiased review it is instead of an attack of sorts. I wish all groups the best of luck!

My ranking

7. Oneus

I was overall kind of disappointed with the performance. The singing wasn't live, or at least the back track was very loud, and the concept was pretty but bland. Oneus are really good dancers and have good vocals as well so I wish they'd done something that represented their colors and uniqueness better. Overall they looked handsome, danced well, it was nice to watch, but forgettable. Sorry babies, better luck next time 🥺

OFFICIAL RANKING: #6

6. TOO

Their performance felt very fresh to me. I don't know them, so I don't know their usual style, but it was nice to watch if, again, a little bland. I liked the styling because the all black and leather from the others got boring very fast, but it seemed more like a music show performance. They're rookies, and they're probably playing it safe. I hope they don't get eliminated because I think they have potential.

OFFICIAL RANKING: #7

5. Golden Child

The beginning of the performance was very eye catching but I quickly lost interest. They're clearly extremely skilled dancers, which we love to see in this house, but I *HATED* the music choice. To me it was their biggest downfall. It was so loud and confusing which combined with the lighting made it impossible to focus on the performance. I wanna see them on stage again because I think their dancing was incredible, but I wish they would show more of their personal colors next time.

OFFICIAL RANKING: #4

4. ONF

I thought they put together a really good stage! I feel like the stylists need to coordinate better because GC, ONF and VV were wearing basically the same outfit lol But I liked that they sang and I think I could hear some live vocals in there which is admirable! I wish they would have gone a little further and made it a crazier performance, but they're clearly skilled, and very good dancers too. I think they deserved to place higher, they did a great job!

OFFICIAL RANKING: #5

3. VERIVERY

What a pleasant surprise. I don't know this group that well but their stage was gorgeous. Caught my attention from the beginning, and it was impossible to look away. It also showcased that not only they have great dance technique but also good synchronization and I like that they switched it up a little in the middle, slowed it down and then fast again. However, like all the groups placed below, I wish the stage had been a little more personal, which is why I think the other two groups deserved second and first place. Either way, good job Verivery! I'll be on the lookout for these boys.

OFFICIAL RANKING: #3

2. The Boyz

I have to say that second and first place were on a whole another level compared to everyone else, at least tonight. The Boyz had an unique concept, they pulled it off well, they showed their strengths and chemistry as a group and put on a damn good stage. I would have liked to see more of an unexpected twist though, something unpredictable to make the stage even more interesting, but nonetheless, hats off. I really liked them already and expected them to do well, they deserved their first place, so well done.

OFFICIAL RANKING: #1

1. Pentagon

Ah, where to start... I went into the episode unbiased because I just genuinely wanted to enjoy the performances, which I did. But not only Pentagon's experience showed on stage, they showed that uniqueness I was desperately looking for. They acted, they danced, they played that stage like their own personal instrument and it genuinely felt like watching an intro performance at MAMA. My first round of applause goes to Wooseok, when he was left alone on stage I KNEW he was going to deliver and boy did he. Also very proud of how Hui and Kino stood out with their unbelievable charisma and damnnnn those facial expressions always on point. The styling was a great touch too, I loved how the whole performance was orchestrated from start to finish, and that CONFIDENCE! *chef's kiss*

OFFICIAL RANKING: #2

I'm gonna watch the full episode once subs come out. I hope SnakeNet doesn't eliminate TOO just because of an intro performance because if so, I will FIGHT.

It's been Lia, now back to the scheduled programs ✨

#road to kingdom #kingdom #pentagon #the boyz #verivery #onf #golden child #too #oneus #kpop opinions #kpop fandom #universe #road to kingdom ep 1 #mnet

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shinahbee · 3 years

Text

November Favorites 2020!

Hello!

So as you may have seen I have been uploading a bunch of art all of November, not every week because of my crippling job at the moment taking away my sanity.lol. But i did try my best to update whenever I can. I do have so much more to complete so please look out this December for more digital art being pumped out

How are you all doing? I'm holding up decently, I'm trying to avoid talking about covid since that's all i've been hearing from work and home and it's really making me anxious since i'm not able to work from home due to the nature of my job. I hope you all are holding up hope and taking care of your selves, let's all remember that there is a time after this and we will get through this.

with that being said I will have a lot more time to spend on my art after January since my work term is going to end and I don't plan to stay for an extension, so maybe then I'll catch up on all of my previous art that I was supposed to upload, a.k.a my hero academia ones.lol

also I'm still chugging along reading more manhwa (web toons ) from korean and chinese artists, i'm so disappointed in myself for not discovering these sooner, these stories are really good and so much effort was put into the art panels, as I have said all I've read was manga so i'm used to just seeing black and white panels, so i never really dove into web toons though I have appreciated the work put into it, now that I'm down the rabbit hole I am discovering really good story lines that are different from the manga I've read thus far and I'm really enjoying it!

so i'm excited to share my thoughts on everything I've been liking

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Manhwa/Manga/Webtoon

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so previously in last months recommendations I have talked about a few of the manhwa I've been reading so I'll briefly list those below since they are all still ongoing

1) who's baby is it

2) to be or no to be

3) social temperature

4) salad days

all of them are still ongoing and i'm still in the process of reading them so I can't give a full review till it's completed but so far I am still enjoying them, that's definitely a good sign since i tend to just drop something after I don''t find it interesting anymore at some point in the story. If you have not read my October favorites journal please do so for my initial thoughts on these manhwas. Now i'm actually going to talk about some of the ones that are completed , so you can definitely read all of them without waiting for the an update from translators, lol

this is in no particular order, just fyi

1) Path to you

"When almost college dropout Jensen attempts to drink away his problems, unemployed Nathaniel( Neil ) suddenly pukes on him and ruins his night. As an apology, Nathaniel offers to help Jensen with his studies. Despite Jensen's difficulties in getting along with people, the two become friends and something deeper begins to grow between them...”

this is the summary from one of the manga websites I was able to find, it does not even describes the emotional plot line that goes along with this later, this is ones of my absolute favorites! I love this manhwa so much, its a great depiction of a coming of age story for collage students going through their life journey and slowly getting though life's difficulties and challenges, one character is going though emotional trauma and trying to over come it for years and another character is going through anti social disorder and discovering his sexuality, it's a plot line that portrayed human aspects in life quite well. I love the relationship between the two main character and how their relationship developed over time from being friends to being a couple. there is a lot of relationship building and minimal drama, which is really refreshing from mangas that I've read, so if you are just starting to delve into BL webtoons, please read this first! you will not be disappointed

with that being said, I love Neil, so much.... you don't even know. lol. He's so precious, literally like an actual cinnamon roll. LOL. i'm exposing myself ...so i'll leave it at that, i’m also wondering why his name is neil instead of nathan or nate...? lol.

2) Here U Are

"Orientation of the newcomers is a task for YuYang, and he ends up helping the unsociable and towering LiHuan, the kind of person that does everything to be disliked. But after better knowing each other, he discovers that the giant isn’t that bad of a person at all...”

I really wish I could find better summaries, lol. but it's to the point without giving away too much so i'll take it. This is one of the most popular series and I can totally see why after reading it, this story has every possible human aspect and relationship building between the two main leads, I actually teared in some parts of this manhwa and I've never done that before! such a good story and plot line, if I were to pick any series in a web toon to be animated then I would choose this series hands down. There's also sub plots between different characters as well and how they deal with their interpersonal relationships and relationships between the two main leads, I love it! This is everything I want in a story, so please check this one out

also yuyang looks a lot like miyuki Kazuya from Daiya no ace and that just made me drawn to him.I really liked his personality and in the manhwa he has girls and guys in love with him and dude...I get it.

3) BJ Alex

"Every night at 10, Dong-gyun locks himself up in his room, grabs a box of tissues, and watches a live cam boy show hosted by Alex, a BJ (broadcast jockey). Timid Dong-gyun admires not only Alex’s ripped body, but his candor in sharing his sexual experiences with viewers. One night, Dong-gyun downs too many drinks at a school networking event and passes out. When he wakes up, he’s in bed staring up at a shirtless hunk. A hunk who looks an awful lot like...Alex.”

so um...this is more yaoi than shounen ai cause of all the graphic scenes in the manhwa, if you are veteran you may have already read this one cause its really popular. It also has a lot of comedic elements to it too so it's not too serious, but the relationship developed between the two characters later on is really sweet despite the infinite amount of sex scenes. Not much else to say about this story, it's easy to follow and the only abuse in here is the emotional kind

I'm not really entirely sure how i felt about it in the beginning but the end is really good

4) No way, vampires don't exist

"Four college housemates — Juwon, Eunho, Seongjae, and Gyumin — are in desperate need of a fifth person to fill a vacant room in their place. But their main concern isn’t about paying rent: they’re ravenous vampires, dying to sink their teeth into a fresh, live human! So they can’t believe their luck when Dongha, who grew up isolated from society, eagerly moves in with no idea of what awaits him. To the vampires’ dismay, however, Dongha doesn’t weigh enough for them to suck his blood! As they shower their unsuspecting new housemate with food and attention to fatten him up, have they gotten too attached to their would-be prey? And is there more to sweet, naive Dongha than meets the hungry vampires’ eyes?”

I have to preface by saying that ever since my twilight phase, I didn't consume anything that had to do with vampires for a very long time, for obvious reasons, but this one I just came across after reading path to you and thought I would at least check it out. It started off really comedic and I was like...what am i reading? but it gets really light hearted and wholesome later on in the story. What I like about this is the character juwon, If you look at him he's that type of character that would look like the stoic a-hole of the story and those characters never appeal to me. But turns out he's the sweetest person most decent person of this story, it makes you want to route for him and another thing I like about this story is that it looks like a harem but you can tell that there’s only one person the main character doungha treats differently from the rest and how the two are compatible with one another. in these kind of stories, it’s always treated as every character is a possible route that leads to their own story but in here....there's only one...let's be real. This is one that is an odd ball cause it's technically completed but the translations are not...so i had to read the rest in korean, which makes it a good practice for me since i'm learning korean at the moment, it’s a good exercise...lol

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Anime/ Drama

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Not going to lie this department is lacking...lol. I have only been watching Heavens official blessing as mentioned in the last journal

but I have just found out that there is a remake of Shaman king in the making....and my little girl heart is screaming cause I loved shaman king when i was younger...so I can't wait for that

as for dramas, I've tried watching Start Up but I didn't like it so I dropped it, I might try watching crash landing on you since my best friend was obsessed with it, I watched a little of it but I left it since I was busy so i may get back to watching it from the beginning

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Music

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i'll put together a play list for you when you read these manga/manhwa...lol. cause that's what i've been doing

Playlist

Crush- No words

Sam kim - Breathe

Crush - let us go

Kim feel - falling

Paul kim - Dream

Kim feel - Hallelujah

Davichi - please don't cry

Yoo mirae - say

taeyeon - a poem called you

baek yerin- Here I am again

I wish tumblr has a way to play music on your page, without copy right..lol. I would share all of these songs cause they are so good

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so that's it for the month of November, lets' see what i get up to for December, I will be updating as frequently as possible so please look out for more art from me and follow me on my social media , I will see you all next time

bye!

Sheena

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Social media

Devianatart: she-be.deviantart.com

Instagram: shinb_art

Tumblr: shinahbee

#monthly favorites #november favorites #anime and manga #manhwa #manga favorites #journal #kpop music #kdrama #path to you #here u are #bj alex #no way vampires don't exist

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ofstoriesandstardust · 5 years

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Lmao hi... Just saw your prompt list and I was wondering if you could write an imagine with Draco Malfoy with prompts 7,13,14,20,23,41&63. Ik they're a lot and they're pretty angsty so if you don't wanna I'll understand lol. x

A/N: Hi guys! Long-time no write. I’ve been on a Harry Potter binge lately so I dug through my requests to try and find this so I’d have something Harry Potter related to write. I hope you guys enjoy and make sure to request if you want! (pssst, if you want to request something, I’m more likely to write if it’s HP related.) Also, your House is not specified, so basically whatever House you belong to.

Word count: 2,603

Warnings: Angstttttttt, like four swear words

Prompts: #7: “Choose me or lose me. I’m not a backup plan and I’m definitely not a second choice.”

#13: “No matter how good your heart is, eventually you have to start treating people the way they treat you.”

#14: “I am sorry I have trust issues, but when you give someone everything and they throw it away, something inside of you breaks.”

#20: “You changed.”

#23: “You know what sucks? Being the one who always cares more.”

#41: “I will not let you undermine my worth.”

#63: “I wish you were dead.”

What Once Was

Your POV

All summer you had agonized over coming back to Hogwarts. With the recent return of You-Know-Who, your parents had practically refused to let you go back, saying you were unsafe in the place you loved so much. You had begged and pleaded with your parents, wanting nothing more than to pursue your education and rejoin your friends and boyfriend, Draco Malfoy. Eventually, they wore down and relented but by the time they agreed to let you return in the fall, you were unsure if the return was the right choice. You took solace in the fact that your friends were facing the same argument with their parents, but your boyfriend had been pulling further and further away from you, as letters became fewer and farther in between. When he did write, the contents of letters became small, and the wording took a rather abrupt turn from the affectionate tone his writing usually had to a cold, distant tone. You figured he was having a particularly hard summer, what with his father going to Azkaban and the very public trial that had preceded it. You had offered your support, but he refused to talk about his feelings with you or really anything that was occurring in his life. You held out hope that once you returned to the school to start your sixth year, things would return to normal and Draco would share all the things he had been withholding from you. As you waved goodbye to your parents on Platform 9 ¾, your hopeful eyes searched for the pale boy with the platinum blonde hair. Unable to spot him, you trudged onto the train and headed towards the compartment the Slytherin Prince and his buddies usually occupied. By sheer luck, there he sat, staring out at the quickly moving scenery as Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle, all sat around and chatted, presumably about their summer vacations. You cleared your throat to make your presence known. All heads turned to you, but the only one who truly mattered took a few moments to draw his view away from the window. He briefly glanced at you and turned back to the window. Blaise gave you a sympathetic smile and offered you a hug. You accepted, and as you were hugging Blaise he whispered into your ear, “Don’t take it to heart, he’s been in a foul mood all morning.” You nodded against his shoulder, still unable to figure out why your boyfriend was working so hard to stay so distant. He pulled away and offered you another smile, for which you were grateful for. Blaise was the only one from Draco’s group that you truly considered a friend. “How was your summer holiday?”

You shrugged in your response. “It was alright. Mum and Dad almost didn’t let me come back.” Blaise raised his eyebrows. “Anyways, I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I’m gonna go find my friends.” You stated in a rush, desperate to get away from the uncomfortable feeling settling in the pit of your stomach. You waved goodbye to the group and exited the Slytherin area of the train. You walked further down the hall in an attempt to find a friendly face or someone from your house. Anyone who would take your mind of the storm currently raging through it. You stumbled upon the compartment where Griffyindors Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, Ginny Weasley, and Neville Longbottom sat. You noted Dean’s arm around Ginny and could only imagine the tantrum Ron would be throwing if he saw them. You opened the door. “Mind if I sit in here?” They all shook their heads and Neville and Seamus made room for you to sit down in between them. You graciously accepted.

“How was your summer holiday (Y/N)?” Ginny asked, offering you a friendly smile. You shrugged.

“Fairly awful. Mum and Dad said I shouldn’t be coming back to Hogwarts; that it wasn’t safe anymore.” You retold, pulling a knee up to your chest, trying to get comfortable for the long ride that ahead of you.

“Mum said the same thing. Said we had no business going back. Ron and I had to practically beg her for weeks to convince it was safe here.” Ginny told you, leaning into Dean’s side.

You let out a chuckle. “Sounds familiar. So you guys are together now?” You asked as your eyes moved between Ginny and Dean. Ginny blushed as she nodded, looking down at her lap. “So how big of a fit did Ron throw when he found out?” At that, the entire compartment burst into laughter and thus began the rest of the train ride, filled with laughter and jokes that made you momentarily forget the gray cloud hanging over the train, particularly the one hanging over a one Draco Malfoy.

Throughout the feast and Sorting ceremony, your boyfriend had disappeared. As much as you tried, you could not find him at the Slytherin table. You signed yourself to eating and participating in the conversation surrounding you half-heartedly. Towards the end of the meal, you watched from your seat as a couple of moments after Draco entered the Great Hall, Harry and Luna followed, Harry sporting a fresh bloody nose. You had a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you realized Draco was probably the one who gave him that. After the feast, you tried to catch your boyfriend before he took off for the dungeons but Draco left the Great Hall and disappeared into the sea of students before you were even able to get close to him. You sighed and headed towards your House, wanting to get away from people as quickly as possible. The next few weeks went about the same way, despite the fact that you shared most of your classes with Draco. He seemed hardly focused in class, very on edge and mind clearly in a different world. You watched him at meals, you know, when he actually decided to show, and he was cold and distant, uninterested in the going-ons of the castle. He was clearly losing weight and the dark circles under his eyes only seemed to grow larger by the day. As time went on though, your concern evolved into anger. Why was he doing this? Why was he shutting you out? Did the last two years mean absolutely nothing to him? You began to take his distance personally. If he didn’t have enough balls to break up with you to your face (because why else would he act like this??), you were going to let him know that you had had enough. The trick was just now to catch him alone. Or to get him to talk to you at all. It was the end of October before you were able to get him alone. It was the day of the Halloween feast, and while the entire castle was downstairs buzzing with joy, all you wanted was to crawl into bed. You had a god awful day and the last thing you wanted to do was be surrounded by others at the feast. You headed in the direction of your Common Room when you caught him. He was exiting the fourth-floor boy’s lavatory, rubbing his eyes furiously. As much anger as you had, some of it seemed to ebb away at the disheveled sight of him. “Draco?” You called out to him. He brought his gaze to you and actually stopped. As you reached him, you reached for his hand. He pulled away as if your touch stung him. Your heart fell, as the thoughts of the end of your love clouded your brain. “Draco what’s going on with us? What’s going on with you?” He shrugged, refusing to make eye contact with you. “Draco, love, I want to be here for you, but I can’t if you won’t open up to me.” He again chose to remain silent. Your anger quickly filled you again. “Well, you know what, Draco Malfoy, I’m done being treated like this. Choose me or lose me. I’m not a backup plan and I’m definitely not a second choice. It’s time you made the choice about where we stand because I’m not doing this anymore.” You stated harshly and quickly spun on your heel towards to Great Hall, wanting to put as much distance as possible between you and the boy who was tearing you apart.

As you entered the Great Hall the next morning, you spotted Ron, Harry, and Hermione. Harry had pulled you aside just a few days prior to ask about Draco but you had no answers to give. None of your friends were currently in the Great Hall, and you wanted to stay as far away from the Slytherin table as possible. As you neared the trio, their attention shifted from their conversation to you. “Do you mind if I sit here?” They shook their heads and Ron scooted over to make room for you next to him.

“Everything alright?” Hermione questioned with a look full of concern on her face. You shook your head.

“Just needed a friendly face is all.” Harry nodded and gave you a smile as they turned back to the discussion of the latest Potions assignment. You lost yourself in your bowl of cereal as you thought of the events from the previous night. You were so distracted that your brain barely registered someone sitting down next to you. You looked up to see Blaise Zabini looking extremely displeased.

“What the hell did you say to Draco last night?” He asked you angrily.

“Why does it matter to you?” You shot back.

“It matters to me because he’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend-” Blaise started but you cut him off.

“Maybe it’s hard for you to understand in that pea-sized brain of yours Zabini, but Draco Malfoy hasn’t given me the time of day in five months and most certainly doesn’t act like he’s my boyfriend. I am sorry I have trust issues, but when you give someone everything and they throw it away, something inside of you breaks. So no, I’m not sorry for what I said to him. I deserve a whole hell of a lot better than what he’s been giving me lately. For the last two years, I have defended him, gone to bat for him, being endlessly loyal to him, sometimes to my own detriment and he treats me like the dirt under his feet. I refuse to be treated that way. Not anymore, not ever again.” By the time you were done speaking, you were hyper-aware of the looks you were gathering from other tables. Blaise lowered his voice.

“(Y/N), you made him cry.” The comment took you aback but only for a moment.

“Good.” You hissed, standing up from the table. “Maybe now he’ll actually start giving a damn about me.” As you turned your back on Blaise, you saw Draco standing a few feet away from you. You paused only for a second and then promptly shoved past him and out of the Great Hall.

That night, the halls of the castle seemed empty as you made your way out of the library. You had stayed to study until Madam Pince had nearly kicked you out. You had a big Ancient Runes test tomorrow, and on top of it being your hardest class, you felt so unprepared what with the events of the last 24 hours. You let out a yawn when you suddenly felt yourself being pulled into an empty classroom. You nearly panicked and raised your wand as you saw Draco standing there. His eyes looked bloodshot and he looked more exhausted and disheveled than you had ever seen anyone else. He looked as if he was the mere remains of the person he once was. He ran his hands through his hair, once, twice, three times. You watched him fall apart, not knowing how to feel. “What happened to us?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper. You shrugged and sucked a breath in through your teeth.

“You changed.” He let out a whimper at your response. For the first time in months, he looked at you. You felt a surge of emotion. Now that after all these months you finally had his attention and you were going to let him know exactly what you had been thinking. “You changed Draco. I don’t know what you want me to say to you. You pulled away and treated me like shit. You’ve barely spoken to me since last term.”

“You don’t understand, I had to-”

“Bullshit. You just didn’t want me anymore.”

“That’s not true-”

“Yes it is Draco!” You exclaimed. A silence fell over the both of you and you took a few deep breaths to try and calm yourself as tears came to your eyes. “You know what sucks? Being the one who always cares more. I’m so sick and tired of being the one who cares in this relationship. I have been endlessly loyal to you, I stood up for you, I have lost friends because of my devotion to you and this is what I get in return?” Draco remained quiet. “I will not let you undermine my worth. I refuse to. I am a damn good person and an even better girlfriend and you don’t deserve me.” Draco’s face contorted in pain as you spoke.

“You’re right, I don’t deserve you. I just love you so much, I just had to.”

“You love me so much that you just had to treat me like garbage? Right because that makes so much sense-”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” He screamed and you winced and took a couple of steps back. A couple of tears slipped down his face. He reached for your hand. You flinched but did not pull away. “You don’t understand, I had to. I had to protect you. I had to protect you from him.”

“Draco, what- what are you talking about?” Shakily, he pulled his hand from yours and lifted his sleeve. As the fabric was moved away, you saw something you wished you hadn’t. One look at the mark that had caused so much pain, grief, and death, a mark that represented all the evil and darkness within the world and-

“I wish you were dead.”

As you sat at the Burrow over the Christmas holiday, you watched the Weasley family and chat and enjoy the cheer. You watched as the twins showed off a new product to Ginny as Ron turned to you. “Hey (Y/N), what ever did end up happening between you and Malfoy?” You thought back to that night, his anguished cries that haunted you as you left the classroom. You stared into the fire as you thought about what to say. Ultimately you just shrugged.

“We broke up.” You said simply. The attention shifted from the joke product to you.

“How come?” Hermione asked softly. You shook your head and swallowed your tears.

“No matter how good your heart is, eventually you have to start treating people the way they treat you.” Silence fell across the room as Tonks and Remus studied you fiercely. “I don’t want to talk about it.” You stated, standing up. You pushed past the twins, escaping to the front porch. You sat down and looked up at the stars. You wiped away the invisible tears on your face. As you thought of the boy you once loved, you did not know he was looking out at the same stars thinking of the girl who once loved him.

#draco malfoy #draco malfoy imagines #draco malfoy imagine #harry potter

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