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takeeachdayonebookatatime · 1 year

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Law and order svu fanfiction.

Born to be wild part 2

Amanda: pov Liv comes out of her office and says thanks to Fin

Fin: pov Liv says they got lucky. Someone spotted the same suspect trying to break into a house nearby. Once we arrived on scene we learned the suspect is still in the house in an upstairs room. Turns out the lady is unharmed; she hit the guy over the head with something. Liv handcuffs him.

Joe : pov the suspect keeps saying it is in his DNA to rape he was born this way he is a product of rape. He can't help it. Back at the precinct I can hear Sargent Fin asking Captain Benson if she is okay. Muncy asks if it is true about a rape gene Captain Benson says no. She thought about that her whole life. It's not true because look how I turned out. Muncy is so shocked she asks her question again. Can a product of rape be born with a rape gene or is that not a thing. Captain Benson says there is no such thing as a rape gene.

Amanda: pov Liv says to Muncy my mom was working in the cafeteria at Columbia university one night when a food salesman named Joseph Hollister raped her and 3 other women. She later became an English professor. And the antidepressants killed Joseph's career as a rapist and he killed himself. Muncy says that must have been hard on her, but what does this story have to do with what I was saying. Liv mentions that would have been spring of 67 and I was born February 7, of 68. My mom never got over it and was always drunk. That is how she died. Fell down a flight of stairs while drunk. I can see Muncy trying to process what Liv just said and doing the math in her head. When it finally all adds up to her the shocked look on her face says it all. She now realizes Liv is a product of rape. Muncy says Captain Benson is amazing. Liv says I was a reminded to her that she was raped. But she kept me because abortions were illegal at the time. She raised me and I have to thank her for giving me life.

Liv: pov Muncy asked how old I was when I found out. I told Muncy I was 13 when I found out i was a product of rape. My mom was drunk and lashed out at me, she looked at me and she said. she said I wish I never had you because of the rape. And when I was 15 I overheard my mom on the phone once telling someone how can I love someone that was conceived by a monster.

Muncy: pov wow I don't know what to say. Fin says he and Liv will interview the suspect.

Fin: pov the suspect admitted to everything. Liv said Captain Kate Beckett of the 12 the precinct invited her to hangout and she wanted to know if we wanted to join, I asked her if Esposito and Ryan would be there. She texted Kate and said yes Castle is also coming. I could hear Liv and Kate on the phone trying to decide what to do. Muncy suggested a bar so we could all get drinks. I said you don't want that becoming a bad habit. Liv says Castle does own a bar so we could grab some food there.

Joe: pov Fin pulls me and Muncy aside and tells us. Liv does not drink vodka and can't be near anyone who drinks it. Once at the old haunt, me and Muncy ordered some drinks. Liv and Amanda were drinking a glass of wine. The boys had beers. Castle ordered our food. pizza, wings, breadsticks and salad. Captain Beckett seemed to get different food then us, Castle mentioned Kate can't eat certain foods.

Liv: pov I decided to tell Amanda, Joe and Muncy about the ada we had that was always drunk. Fin says her coffee smelled like alcohol all the time and Cragen thought she was drunk most of the time. I say how she invited me out to drink the night before court, I didn't not drink but she drank a lot. The next day in court the judge asked her why she was late and she said she had been in a car accident. Which was not true. Later on instead of playing the recreated video of the crime she played one with the suspect's face. The judge asked her if she was okay and needed to be seen by someone. she said fine, the judge started to notice she looked drunk. A few minutes later he asked me to get a breathalyzer, I asked if it was for the suspect he said no the ada. Turns out she was drunk, and said we went drinking the night before I told him she was drinking, not me. Case got thrown out, afterwards she went to rehab to clean her act up.

Fin: pov before Liv could finish, Muncy asked if we are still in touch with her. Liv says a few months after she was stabbed to death in a bathroom, Liv watched her die. Amanda says no wonder you never told this story. It's very sad.

Kate: pov Muncy asked if we have ever been shot on the job. Captain Benson and Sargent Tutuola say no. Amanda mentioned hers saying thankfully nothing important was injured. Esposito mentions Ryan shot him in the butt once.

Amanda: pov kate mentions hers was very traumatic. She was shot in the chest at her Captain's funeral. Bullet hit her ventricle and pulmonary vein. She flatlined in the ambulance, a chest tube was inserted to help her breathe. They had to perform a thoracotomy to get access to her chest. She went into cardiac arrest during the emergency heart surgery. They had to use the internal paddles and had to do manual cardiac massages

Muncy: pov wow I can't believe you survived that Captain Beckett. Kate said she was on disability for 3 months, had to go to PT and still has side effects for it. Castle says Kate takes meds for arrhythmia, which she got from the shooting. We all talk for a little while later then head home for the night.

#fanfiction #lawanordersvu #oliviabenson #mariskahargitay #fintutuola #icet #amandarollins #joevelasco #gracemuncy #castle #katebeckett #stanakatic #nathanfillion #richardcastle #seamusdever #kevinryan #javieresposito #jonhuertas #tvshows

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falasta · 3 years

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I’m putting all this under a cut and tagging it so everyone can easily filter it. Thoughts only about what it means to be an “older adult” (over 30) in fandom. No shipping drama! Please let me know if there are any tags I should add.

I’ve been out of fandom interaction for many years now, and now that I have come back I’ve been seriously saddened by this idea that “older” fans (specifically over 30) are ostracized and seen as “creepy” for either being in a fandom or interacting with (presumably) younger fans. And not even talking about minors--like people in their 20s are complaining about the presence of older people in their fanspace.

This distresses me on a number of levels (I am a Registered Adult who is, as it turns out, older than 30). But mostly, because I feel like these younger fans don’t understand what they are missing out on.

I discovered fan fiction when I was in my first year in college and had my first computer, and my first access to the internet. I was stunned and thrilled that fan fiction was “a thing”, and fell headfirst into it. Fandom/fan fiction was different then, in both good and bad ways, but the most amazing part of it was then ability to connect with people of all different ages and backgrounds from all over the world. I guess there is now a generation that has grown up with this concept and so doesn’t quite understand how revolutionary it was. It was this revelation that I wasn’t weird or crazy or wrong! There are other people like me! And we can talk to each other, even though we might live on opposite sides of the planet! With a common interest in the weirdness that was fanfiction and fandom. Which was all very subversive and viewed by the mainstream public (if they even heard about it) as basically written porn and/or the Gays are Corrupting Our Children (seriously, you have no idea how homophobic so much of the fandom world was twenty years ago).

Many of those people that I met (mostly women) were older. Some were even *much* older, because these were the women who had started the original Slash fanfiction of Kirk/Spock back in the 70s when they were secretly passing folders around at conventions and mailing fanzines to each other over the country. You need to realize at this time that mailing anything containing homosexual material through USPS was considered pornographic and a FEDERAL CRIME! They were taking a huge risk. And when the internet really started up people started posting art and stories that could have been twenty plus years old. Sometimes the original author had even passed away and their creative works were posted by friends and family. They are and were fandom heroes and should be remembered for what they created and the risks they took.

Because the internet was new EVERYONE started using it and posting fan works. Most users were either my age (18) or older. There really wasn’t a concept of this being a problem. It was fun and interesting! Most people didn’t post any details about themselves at all--unless you got close with someone you often didn’t know anything about them beyond their internet name. One of the dearest friends I made in fandom was about 10 years older than me and we still, fifteen years later, share letters back and forth.

If you are in your teens or early twenties you will discover that when you get “older” you really still feel young. You may have a career or a family or a house and are still passionate about the fun things you enjoyed 10 or 15 or more years before. Fanfiction took me through two college degrees, grad school, career, career change, and a growing family. All this time I was dealing with severe clinical depression which I was only able to discuss at the time with my online friends, because there was the “hush-hush” idea that Mental Health Problems were taboo and must not be mentioned! (Once my antidepressants THANK YOU GOD THESE EXIST THEY SAVED MY LIFE kicked in I’ve tried to fight against this and be more outspoken about it.) Fandom got me through it, and is continues to be one of my happy spaces because of that. Occasionally it becomes my lifeline when days just become ... too hard.

Of course everyone should absolutely, 100% curate your own space. If anything in fandom makes you uncomfortable, sad, angry, or upset, then it is not serving its purpose.

Not sure if anyone is going to read this, but just thoughts.

#fandom #fandom drama #discourse #drama #fandom discourse #fandom history #I will probably regret posting this in the morning #I love you all crazy fandom people #no matter who you are

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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Rambling about my (dä fan)art...

I was writing another post and this kinda got out of hand and turned into me talking about my art overall. I’m gonna put this under the cut because I don’t know if people are interested in my art nor especially in my thought about it and my “art history” basically, but if you are, then I hope you enjoy.

And yes, this is gonna be about my die ärzte fanart mainly!

So let’s start with the HELL coverart drawing because that’s what I was talking about originally:

I’m extremely happy with how the drawing turned out in the end and I like that feeling of success when I’m happy with something I have created. That is not always self-evident with myself. More than often I have plain hated my drawings or have felt like there should be something done differently, or something that I could always improve at and do better. So this feeling where I’m actually content and happy with what I have created is something new and different. I have a dopamine rush every time I look at that drawing. I like the drawing. I think it looks nice. And I’m extremely happy about this fact and I am not afraid of admitting it. Perfectionism is a curse and a gift. It can sometimes make your life a living hell when something that is perfectly good still feels like it’s not enough. When everyone else sees that what you have done is actually good or even great but your brain just keeps repeating how it’s shit and everyone else is just delusional and that they don’t see what you see. And this is like the polar opposite of that feeling. It wasn’t other people who were delusional, it was you and youself all along. You were the one seeing the image in your head and the drawing not matching that image. Other people saw only what you had created and couldn’t compare it to anything. And that doesn’t mean it was never good.

So whenever I do these comics and comic style drawings nowadays, I just feel so happy. I feel that I am no longer failing them, I feel like I can draw the image I see in my head. I finally feel like I can draw, I have some skills, I’m not a professional and maybe not as good as everyone else but I’m good at what I’m doing. This is my thing and I’m good at it and it’s enough. And I love it when I feel like I’m improving. For years I felt like I was stuck, like my skills would have been glitching somehow, I didn’t get better no matter how much I drew. But I guess I tried too much and was too harsh on myself because I believed that a drawing is good only when no reference photos have been used. And I sucked at drawing without them. I still do! I was staring at the Hell coverart the whole time I was drawing! I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I didn’t! And this feels particularly good also because this is the first time I have tried something different with these comics. I have never tried to draw a photo or existing picture with this style. I have only drawn my comics and those I have created all by myself. The clothes come from what I have seen in videos and photos but the plots are created by me alone, with a idea coming from somewhere actual usually, as inspirations do.

For comics I do look at reference photos of people sitting or standing, or I look at the mirror, or even take photos of my own hand to be able to draw something. And that’s lots of fun and also challenging because I’m mixing there my old habit of portrait drawing with my less serious comic book style but I really really do like the combination. It also makes me feel that I am memorizing what I draw and the next time when I need to draw that same posture, I no longer need the reference photos because they’re no in my brain. And in my muscle memory. My hand remembers how to do the lines now.

Here you can see one of the sketches I did in 2018 - I had this image in my head and I wanted to draw it and I just... drew it in my sketchbook. Didn’t use pencil. But now I’ve noticed I like doing these on proper paper instead of the sketchbook AND it’s so much more fun to first draw the sketch with the pencil and then draw on it with the fineliners. That I have always done with the comics (apart from one) because they take more time than these quick sketches. But here you can see Farin’s legs on the first image - I think I might have looked at reference photos for that but then it was so much easier to do the to the comic I made in 2019.

I have now also figured out that a big part of my style is not to draw just simple straight lines. I like making those sketch-like lines even with the marker. They look more rough but that’s something I like seeing with my art. That’s what I was missing when I was staring at the lines I had drawn before and hated every detail of them. They were too clean and neat.

^These two I have also drawn on my sketchbook in 2018 and I don’t really know why. I guess I was still a bit stupid and didn’t really realize I’m drawing again. But anyway, they both were inspired by my own fanfiction I have written a long time ago. It’s one of my favorite self-written fanfics and it had these two scenes I just saw in my head and felt like I could try drawing them. Maybe that’s why they are in my sketchbook, I wasn’t sure if they were going to turn out even good... The marker around the second one obviously was shit and the paper wasn’t good for it, and I never finished with it so it looks a bit weird. Do I need to say that I really enjoy drawing very small, repetative details, like those tiles? It’s so soothing, almost like a therapy.

I think that quitting antidepressants in 2013 has done so much good for my creativity. If you compare my work from 2011 to 2019, the difference is huge - all are just parts from my comics:

Can you guess see the difference? But have to admit I am jealous for myself for how I have drawn Farin’s hair to the 2011 one and maybe have forgotten to color Farin’s arm but... I actually had so long pause from drwing (~8 years) that I forgot how I did that and had to use THAT as a reference when I was trying to draw late 80s Farin’s at some point last or this year :D

Anyway, my style with the shadows is a little different when I use colored pencils than when I use markers. This is from my latest comic from this year, where I experimented with Promarkers the way I had never done before and I really like how it came to be:

I have owned this set of Promarkers (black + 5 greys) for years and have never really used them, apart from the black which I usually used for the thick lines anyway. And wanted to see if I could find some use for the greys too! (Yes that’s Bela back there - this comic was an alternative ending for Für Immer music video :D)

And I wanna end this post with a face progress comparison for all three. During this I also noticed that before I used to draw their side profiles and it was really difficult to find images where I’d have drawn from from the front. And nowadays I have mainly drawn them from the front and it’s hard to find side profiles! Interesting! Here’s one of Farin and Bela from a drawing I made this year:

Also the hand that was so much fun to draw but I also took photos of my own hand in that posture in order to even draw that - that was fun! :D

But here are the last three images - using the HELL one as the last for each, of course:

Bela has always been the easiest to draw. And the first one of these three is actually from my first ever Bela&Farin comic! I didn’t color their skin back then. With the next ones I already did color their skins too but I used darker colors to do the shadows. Nowadays I do the shadows with fineliners. Or it depends - that 2019 one doesn’t have that lol.

Damn it was so difficult to find something where I’d have draw Farin from the front :D And I see the HELL one literally is my second (or third) time drawing Farin with his grin. Or if you count all those numerous extra mouths I drew because I failed the first one, then I have drawn his grin at least 15 times by now. I probably can draw his teeth with no reference photos from now on.

I haven’t drawn Rod too many times. I can actually count about... 5 times? And then there’s only 2 times when I’ve drawn his side profile but he’s at the background. I don’t know if I’ve ever really succeeded at that, I usually try to draw his head a more round and his eyes smaller than for Bela and Farin and I was actually bit worried for the HELL one and was wondering if I’m going to ruin the whole thing. But in fact, that was actually easiest of them to draw. And STILL I’m surprised by how alike he looks in that last one. In fact, I think his dacial features are perfect for a carricature drawing so you don’t need to do more than a few lines for the mouth and it looks like his mouth. The middle one was for a drawing I made for a friend and with this I actually looked at photos so that I could draw some of his hairstyles from the 90s and I liked this one the best and it was also quite easy to draw too.

Do I even have to say that I’m not extremely motivated what comes to drawing? I feel like my creative has become what it has never been before. I still don’t really know what to draw but I just feel that whatever it is I’ll start next, it will be good. And if it doesn’t... who cares? I had so much fun with those extra mouths of Farin which was maybe visible from the video I filmed, and that is what makes drawing worth it. Before I took the drawing process so seriously and a mistake felt like the end of the world but now I laugh at them and make fun of them and don’t take them too seriously. And I always have ways to fix these, or I can redraw. Just like I did with Farin’s mouth (or a half of his face actually) for this newest drawing. The most important thing is that I’m having fun and enjoying what I do, that way usually the outcome will also be a success.

I have now at least 2 dä comics on my to-do list (I don’t remember if there’s a third one too) + one pencil drawing that is halfway there. It will take one more night/day for it to get it finished. I also have probably 5 ideas for self-comics etc. in my sketchbook and I try to find some time to work on those. Or actually I have a plenty of time. Adhd, time blindness and executive dysfunction just make it feel as if I didn’t :D Can’t wait to get working on my next drawing projects, tho!

(I wish I knew how to make art for a living even but that’s a topic that will need its own post which I’m probably do in a near future if I don’t forget :D)

#mcrmadness’ art talk #mcrmadness draws #the post has lots of text but also quite a many images #dä fanart #die ärzte #I have been drawing dä comics since 2010 - the old ones are very stupid but whatever :D #long post

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yellow-r-o-s-e · 5 years

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NEURODIVERGENT

There’s definately something wrong with Roman. He just wants to know what it is

Word Count: About 4500

Warnings: lots of talk of assorted mental illnesses, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and anorexia, pretty detailed description of a panic attack, self deprecating feelings, mentioned past abusive relationship, imposter syndrome, implied gaslighting, let me know if there’s anything else I need to put, I don’t know how to do this, there is a happy ending but please be safe

Notes: This is a fanfic of the wonderful “Love and Other Fairytales” by @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors. It’s technically a Sanders Side fanfiction, but you don’t need to know anything about Sanders Sides for her story to make sense. It’s a really amazing modern fairy tale, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who somehow hasn’t read it yet. Also the story below probably won’t make any sense without the context.

In her story, a few of the main characters (Virgil and Logan) are autism coded, which I can relate to a lot with my ADHD, and I ended up projecting said ADHD on a different character, Roman Gage. It’s a bullet fic because it’s so long it would take me a week to write it all out, and also it’s very self-indulgent and I put my own self-insert OC in because noone can stop me from having fun. Not edited because we die like men. Enjoy!

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It starts on what should be a perfect day. It’s early September, Logan is off at a “fairy” lesson with Virgil. It’s not too humid anymore, it’s cooled down just enough to be comfortable. And Roman thinks it would be a perfect day for hunting in the woods

Except as soon as he thinks about hunting, he thinks about h i m and he’s suddenly nauseous

But it’s fine, Roman’s fine, besides he has lots of people to talk about it with now. His bfs know and are supportive, and Mamaw knows too now. He doesn’t even miss Dee that much…

And oh mother gothel he does not feel good he needs to think about something else

He suddenly remembers that he is in fact currently having a picnic with Patton and he should focus on that

And he’s aware that Patton just asked a question but he doesn’t know what Patton asked, And he feels really bad but he just smiles and asks Patton to repeat himself

He wishes he could actually pay attention to his bf the first time but life hates him apparently, and Patton’s talking very slowly and carefully because his lessons are helping but he’s still afraid of hurting Roman. And heck if that doesn’t make Roman feel even worse

Anyways, Patton says he’s concerned that Roman hasn’t eaten anything, and offers to go somewhere else for food if Roman doesn’t want picnic

And Roman just laughs and says he’s fine, he just ate a big breakfast. Except. He didn’t eat breakfast at all. He doesn’t know why he said that but now he’s panicking inside as he continues to talk to Patton on the surface level. He’s not trying to not eat on purpose, he’s just really not hungry much

So he’s very worried about himself now as he realizes he’s been skipping meals like crazy recently. He knows he’s not anorexic because like, it’s not intentional. He just keeps forgetting his body needs food to survive??? Is that a normal thing to happen???

Ten minutes maximum pass before he’s spilling all of this to Patton because he’s Very Worried and they’re trying to be more open with each other anyways

And Patton, who’s already been worried about Roman since the whole ’planning to die to save his friends without telling anyone’ thing, is like “have you considered speaking to a doctor”

Roman’s like “Mamaw hates the physician” and then Patton reminds him he’s an actual adult and long story short a few days later he’s having a meeting with Dr. Sherwood

He’s being asked all the standard questions and he’s just realizing ‘oh no, there’s definitely something wrong with me’. He’s having trouble sleeping, trouble eating, trouble focusing, things that used to make him happy don’t anymore…. And Dr. Sherwood says he probably has depression

Which honestly makes a little too much sense after all the heartbreak and loss and isolation and abuse and whatnot

He gets officially diagnosed shortly after

There’s no therapist in Wickhills but Dr. Sherwood offers to prescribe antidepressants

But antidepressants can be very finicky and Roman’s not in immediate danger or anything so he figures he’ll just try Mamaw’s potions and whatnot for now and maybe change later

He’s very afraid to tell Mamaw but surprise, she’s not mad at all. Well, she’s a little upset that he thought he had to sneak away to go to the doctor

They talk, and depression treatment is a lot more complicated than just a quick spell but they agree to be more honest with each other when they’re having bad days (because May’s physical health is not doing great either)

He talks to the bf squad too, and he feels guilty telling them for some reason. He doesn’t want to be someone for them to take care of, y’know, he wants to be the one taking care of them

They’re all like “Roman shut up you’re beautiful and talented and amazing and we love you”. Patton reminds him that he literally planned the picnic they just had. And the entire summer he was like, stargazing or serenading or painting with one of them at least once a week

They remind him that it’s okay for the roles to reverse every once in a while. It's literally not healthy to never ask for help, even if you don’t have depression

He’s already been unofficially working with Patton’s parents for a while and he has a long talk with the Wallers about it and 1) it’s not like they could replace him if they wanted 2) they still want to keep an eye on their son’s bf and learn more about what he’s doing (He doesn’t actually let much slide but they can hope) and 3) they’re nice people

so they work on making his hours flexible but not too flexible so he can miss work if he’s not feeling good but he still feels needed and has responsibility. It’s a struggle but everyone’s doing their best

Plus the Wallers are practically trying to adopt Roman in their son’s absence so it’s not like they wouldn’t be doing this anyway

And Roman starts to feel, not great, but more in control of his life at least

And there are always the good days, it’s almost always good when he visits his bfs, he starts liking acting again more, he starts getting excited about musicals again

And now that he’s a knight and he’s making good memories with Virgil, the woods aren’t making him feel icky anymore

And all the squad talk to him and promise to not undercut his happiness when it’s there. They work to not overreact when he’s surprised to be happy, and tell him he’s never annoying, he’s always free to ramble about whatever he’s excited about

And soon he’s looking into theater college applications, and he’s hanging out with Thomas and Remy, and he sees some touring Broadway shows (Wicked, The Lion King and Mary Poppins) in Cleveland, and Bell and him and sometimes Virgil are hunting in the woods again, and he’s a knight which is amazing, and he has self-confidence again,

And Logan found a perfect college which Roman is very happy about, seeing as he’s the one who did THAT to get Logan a chance to go to college a while ago. And Logan invites Roman to go on his college visit with him (along with Thomas). And Roman does feel a bit guilty because he feels like the only reason he was invited is because of the whole fae deal

But it’s fine, he’s happy to be going with Logan anyways

Virgil says he’ll be fine with Patton, they manage to find a flight that won’t go over any rivers (they don’t know what would happen but they don’t want to risk it). They’re all packed up for a few days and Logan is so happy he’s glowing

Roman can’t stop smiling either tbh, he just nods and listens to Logan rambling about how cool the greenhouses are. And it’s perfect

Until suddenly,,, it’s not???

Because the airport is Too Loud, which he tries to ignore

And something deep inside of him is afraid of Logan being away for so long because he’ll miss him but he ignores that too, it’s just excitement probably, right?

And then the plane takes off, which makes Logan a bit nauseous but it’s super fun for Roman, it’s basically a rollercoaster, right? He gives lots of comforting forehead kisses and Thomas is jokingly like ‘ew affection’

But then?? The seat belt buckled signs are still on? And Roman cannot move?

He’s trapped in the seat, trapped in the plane

Cannot

Move

And it’s So Loud all of a sudden. And he doesn’t even realize he’s frozen until he’s calming down and Logan is Squishing him

And they talk about that a bit and claustrophobia is normal it’s fine

And the trip goes pretty well. Actually, no, it was better than pretty well. Logan found his college and it’s perfect and Roman needs to stop being so Selfish and judging the trips success by his own experience

But Roman is still just worried about Logan leaving, what if he ends up hating the school? What if he gets trapped?

And he’s having flashbacks to the college visit before that ended terribly. Because he still hasn’t really forgiven himself for how upset Logan was when he got locked out of Wickhills after brief freedom. And he Does Not want to hurt Logan again

And then the intrusive thoughts start coming and he can’t stop them. And he’s worried about a ton of things that would never happen

What if Dee’s curse is still there somehow and when they get back Logan’s locked out of Wickhills?

That doesn't even make sense, stop-

What if Logan doesn’t actually want to go to college and he’s just faking because he feels bad for Roman, and he’s going to be miserable here?

Logan can’t even lie and why would he do that?

What if- stop

What if- Stop!

And this has definitely been happening for a while, he realizes, it’s just been much harder to ignore on the trip, where he can’t just block out the thoughts by picking apples (not that that works very well either)

So he talks with Logan and Thomas on the plane ride home and then he does a few google searches while waiting for luggage when they get back

And he’s now 100 percent sure that he’s been having anxiety attacks and/or panic attacks, like, several times a day

And he sees the doctor very shortly after getting back into town

It takes him 20 minutes to get diagnosed with general anxiety

Dr. Sherwood asks ‘is this happening very frequently?’ and Roman asks how often frequently is and it’s about once a week apparently. Which is laughably low compared to Roman. So now he knows that he has both depression and anxiety

His family and bfs know and they’re doing their best to supportive

Roman has a whole bunch of exercises he can do

So now it should be better, he knows what’s going on, right?

But he doesn’t feel any better At All. In fact, it seems to be getting worse by the day

And a lot of Roman’s panic attacks are just him being afraid he’ll have a panic attack and then be a burden. Which is so dumb and cyclical and he knows his bfs won’t be mad but that doesn’t stop it from happening

At least Logan and Thomas know how to deal with panic attacks and help him. And the bf squad all learns they can tell him when he’s being unreasonable. But the trouble is sometimes he absolutely knows he’s being unreasonable and he keeps doing it

He tries to go on meds for a cool minute but he doesn’t get better he just gets exhausted. And May’s potions are more personally suited to him anyways. Not that he’s good about taking those either

But it’s fine he’s strong he can handle it it’s fine it’s okay

Cut to a few months later around late winter

There’s a bright moon, the woods are all quiet, and it’s honestly just so soft and relaxing. And Roman’s enjoying being a knight and chilling with Bell and Virgil

There’s not even anything bad happening that they need to deal with, or anything to hunt down, they’re just kind of chilling in the woods on horseback

Bell’s catching Virgil up on fairyland happenings that he missed because he pays more attention to Patton than the actual court; Roman’s catching him up on what Logan and Elliot are up to

And then, it’s such a small thing, it shouldn’t ruin there night or even pause it, But as they’re laughing and Roman playfully punches Bell and Virgil rolls his eyes

This absolutely harmless garter snake rubs against Roman’s leg

And he’s just instantly Not Okay At All

And Virgil notices immediately and just glares back to see what hurt Roman, thinking some idiot fae with a death wish played a trick on him

Virgil’s really angry but trying to look calm for Roman and he meets eyes with Roman for half a second

Roman sees something incredibly familiar in his eyes and now he’s Even Worse

Virgil takes a very limp and frozen Roman who’s smiling a little too blankly and agreeing with everything V says back to fairyland and is talks to him soothingly but it takes Roman a very long minute before he’s even talking

And Virgil’s just a complete mess

And when he finds out that it wasn’t someone hexing Roman or anything, it was just his a snake that wanted to move and V’s stare, he just switched to exhausted

There might be a bit of crying on both of their parts but don’t tell anyone

And Roman wants to talk more but his voice isn’t working and he’s stuttering a lot

And every question Virgil asks about his comfort (do you want me to call the others? Do you want me to take you home?) makes Roman even more stressed so eventually he ends up snuggling with Roman in that bed for the night

And Bell checks in on them later and is very obviously a part of the Kill Dee Again squad

It had been like 2 months since Roman had the nightmares and he’s never had panic attacks like this before, he doesn’t know what’s happening

He doesn’t know why Dee’s still haunting him? What did he do wrong when he tried to forget him?

He has nightmares but Virgil’s afraid to wake him up, he might completely break down again, and Virgil doesn’t even know what he’d say anyways

He doesn’t think breaking down sobbing again would help

Roman wakes up in the morning just exhausted and starts crying again anyways

He tries to talk but it goes badly so he ends up communicating with Virgil through writing, which is much easier, though his hand is shaking and the paper is tear stained

And Virgil’s just absolutely heartbroken by how helpless Roman looks

Roman tried to apologize for not being able to talk but Virgil points out that he and Logan have trouble talking without thinking first for fae reasons and so does Patton, Roman isn’t going to be a burden on the group by being the same as everyone else

And Logan comes in lead by Bell

And he’s the calm that the other two need right now

He’s stressed too obviously but he translates his stress into logical thinking

And the word PTSD comes into the conversation for the first time

So guess who gets another diagnosis? Our boy

He finds out that PTSD symptoms often take a while to show up, he hopes it will disappear again but who knows

Not him

And the symptoms cross over (avoidance, sluggishness, panic) so it ends up replacing the other two diagnoses

So that means that he doesn’t have depression and anxiety after all??? It was just PTSD?

And Roman blindly agrees because these appointments are becoming habitual

But it doesn’t feel right?

Because there’s still something about him that feel distinctly Not Normal that PTSD itself can’t explain

Because some of his restlessness, unhappiness, recklessness, has existed since before he made the deal

So he feels like he might be faking PTSD because it can’t possibly ALL be caused by Dee

And be feels like he’s being unfair to Dee and heck if that’s something he can just say to his bfs without them getting on his case

He knows it’s dumb so it shouldn’t be a problem anyways

Hahahahaha

On a different note he’s still not sleeping anywhere near a normal amount

Dizzy says it’s because “Night Roman” screwed up his sleep schedule

Then there’s also the nightmares

And the lingering feeling that he’s slacking off while sleeping, he should be working on something else

So he talks to Dizzy and does research and he’s not sure if it counts because of his strange specific situation, but he decides he has insomnia in some way or another

And that’s an easy fix with potions (it’s not, they don’t work for long)

And then, before he can blink, he’s in college, and school is a thing

And he Loves acting, he Loves all the literature, he Loves picking his own classes and making new theater friends and speaking other languages with people

But then, during the “actual classroom classes” it’s not good all the time

There is something deeply uncomfortable about being stuck in a chair for multiple hours

Where you have to be somewhat quiet and pay attention to what the teacher is talking about

Like, you have to go at Their Speed, not yours

And he realizes that maybe it’s been like that for a while

Maybe it was his year off that made him realize it, maybe Wickhills is just that different

But he doesn’t like doing his general ed classes

Which is weird because he loves learning

And he’s super focused most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t hear the teachers?

And he remembers homework perfectly UNLESS he writes it down

And he can’t convince himself to do math and science homework no matter how hard he tries but he doesn’t tell anyone just pretends he’s purposely ignoring it

Oh and also whenever people criticize his acting or essays it’s physically painful but that’s probably not a big deal

Oh and schedule changes are the literal worst thing to ever happen in his life

So he thinks he might have hearing problems which is why he misses that they have homework or can’t hear people talking no matter how hard he tries

So he’s tested for hearing loss, tested for tinnitus and nothing

And then he realizes he sometimes struggles to read and write the correct way? He loves literature but he finds out that to other people, the words are not usually messed up like that

So he tries dyslexia, vision problems, dysgraphia, and still just nothing fits quite right

And maybe he’s making excuses and he’s actually just too dumb to be in advanced literature?

So he starts worrying that maybe he just wants to be special

Maybe he doesn’t have any mental illnesses, except just hypochondria

Except as soon as he starts considering hypochondria, OCD comes up

Because he feels incredibly, obsessively worried about everything

And there are times when he just has to do something other than pay attention and maybe those are compulsions

But maybe he’s wrong because the compulsions aren’t usually about fears, he just wants to wiggle around, click his pens, etc.

And that’s when he starts considering Tourettes

But that doesn’t work either because it’s not that severe, he’s way more able to resist impulses than he should be

And Tourettes wouldn’t explain enough anyways

So we’re like halfway through Roman’s freshman year and he’s just very confused?

Is he neurotypical? Does he have every mental illness ever? He doesn’t know

He still has a PTSD diagnoses but hasn’t been triggered as badly as that first time again, so he’s not even sure if he had That

And then Logan comes home for winter

And he’s very happily explaining how college is going in Maine

They already know lots but it’s fun to hear it in person

And Roman asks if anyone suspects he’s a fairy and if that’s causing problems and Logan says most people probably just think he’s autistic

And Roman is confused because that doesn’t seem at all?? related???

But Logan and Virgil start explaining autism and it does make a lot of sense and

Wait a minute is that what he is??????

So Roman just doesn’t freaking sleep for a week after Logan goes back to school because he’s researching autism nonstop

And it doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know if it’s because of stigma or something else

It doesn’t feel like a bad word when he uses it to describe Logan but that could just be self deprecation he doesn’t know

And the ice cream bar model makes it really hard to tell because there’s so many options

And some of the symptoms are other mental illnesses

So he decides to just go with it for now, try it out as a label in his own head

He doesn’t tell anyone because that makes it more real and stressful and he’d feel guilty if he was wrong

But he starts using headphones to block out noise, gets himself some fidget toys to use in class, he learns that he likes certain stimuli and dislikes others (that’s not proof though that’s every single person, isn’t it?)

he starts getting better at writing conversations down first, bringing index cards actually makes him look smarter, not useless like he feared

So he still feels guilty because he’s pretty sure he’s not actually autistic and he doesn’t tell the boys

He can actually lie unlike some of the squad

And they’re all so used to getting “the world is too loud” from V and L that they don’t even realize something is different

Because remember, they’ve been hanging out with Roman for years, he’s always been restless and argumentative, and outside the college the main difference they see is he’s happier

So cut to a few months later

In some general ed class which Roman despises but that’s life

He’s partnered with the “smart girl” of the class, Serena Miller, on a group project

Which is very lucky because he has no idea what the heck is going on it’s way too theoretical for him

And she’s super patient, and they actually really click and they’re becoming good friends from they’re meetings

They’re hanging out more and more after school and she happily explains mathematical paradoxes and knot theory and he talks about the plots of different musicals

And they both just nod along half the time because they don’t completely understand, but the human interaction is very nice

And anyways Roman has this sudden realization that maybe she’s flirting with him and she’s just doing all of this with the expectation that they’re going to date

He just freaking blurts out “I’m gay and also taken” because God gifted him with chivalry, not subtlety, okay?

She’s confused and pauses for a second

Like “good for you but what does that have to do with three dimensional coordinate systems”

And he’s very awkwardly like “oh sorry I was afraid you were flirting with me”

She’s like “lol sorry for freaking you out, I just really like math, and I tend to latch onto other ADHD people because they’re just so much easier to talk to”

And Roman’s like what did you say???

So after a very long and repetitive conversation he realizes she’s ADHD and also 100 percent convinced he’s ADHD too

He says “wait a minute I don’t have ADHD?” and she’s not even like “oh you don’t?” she’s like “oh, you didn’t know?”

She’s still writing out math problems for the research as this is going on BTW she’s a fidgety girl

So, long story short they head off to a cafe to talk more without being in the middle of a library

And they meet up with a bunch of Serena’s friends, a lot of which Roman knows from theater

There’s Jaclyn Steele who played his love interest when their college did Footloose (they were Ren and Ariel)

And Aïsha Pérez who did a Romeo and Juliet monologue with him a while ago

And Gabriella Clay who’s absolutely going to be on Broadway soon, she already was on it as young Nala in the Lion King when she was thirteen, noone has any doubts that she’s going back

They talk about ADHD, how it’s not actually being unable to focus

ADHD people are actually very good at focusing on things a lot of the time, it’s just difficult to switch tasks

And they can experience sensory overload too

He finds out about RSD, which is a side effect of ADHD basically translates to “misinterpriting wjat people say to think they hate you” disorder, and that explains so many things

And it also has side effects of not being able to speak very well when stressed, so that explains a lot to

And he finds out that literally All of These Girls have ADHD???

No wonder they were so easy to hang out with?

They’re all on the same wavelength

He’s really afraid that having ADHD means he’s broken for a second, but Aïsha explains that it’s not even a mental illness, it’s just a neurodivergence

“Your brain doesn’t work worse than other peoples’ brains, it just works different”

And yeah, they agree it’s a lot like autism

Gabriella was actually misdiagnosed with autism when she was little so she talks a lot more with him about how similar they are

They end up having a sleepover in Serena and Gabriella’s dorm room

(Roman callshome to let Virgil and May know not to worry about him)

They’re all spread out on the floor with blankets, watching the office bloopers on a cracked Ipad until 5am and it’s the best Roman’s felt in weeks

And it’s not like he’s “cured” now but it feels so so so good to know he’s not alone

He ends up talking to Dizzy (who’s supportive but doesn’t understand exactly why Roman cares so much), then Mamaw (who’s happy for him if a bit confused by his excitement, he didn’t really tell her too much about the Search for a label), then the bf squad who’re mostly like ‘heck yeah none of us are at all normal’

And Patton’s not in desperate need of a diagnoses but he says he’s def not neurotypical, and he’s probably not allistic

Roman’s afraid of visiting the doctor again for fear of being denied a diagnosis

He doesn’t know what he’d do if he was told he was wrong

But Patton talks to Emile (with permission of course), and Emile gets help from his own Psychology professors and ends up doing 90% of the paper work and helping Roman with the exact criteria for diagnosis, so Roman has no doubts by the time he walks in to the hospital

Emile is also like oh that’s cool me too so that’s how Roman finds out that Emile is ADHD too

Eventually Roman does get an actually diagnosis and medication that works WITH his ADHD, not against it

And it turns out ADHD isn’t exclusive of the other things he considered, he probably did have actual PTSD and depression and anxiety and maybe more, but at least he has the root cause of so much of what makes him different

Emile also mentions there are a few other weird towns and offers to help get Roman a therapist who wouldn’t freak out about Wickhills

A few months later he ends up video conferencing Dr. Aaliyah Dixon from New Orleans and she doesn’t bat an eye at his talks about making a deal with the fae and having his memories magically separated

So he’s not “cured” by any means, but he knows who he is now, his boyfriends know how to help, he has college friends to bond with, and he’s absolutely not alone

#love and other fairy tales #sander sides fanfiction #roman sanders #adhd #mental illness tw #anxiety tw #panic attack tw #ptsd tw #self depricating thoughts tw #depression tw #i hope thats enough #just know it talks a lot about mental illness #and neurodivergence #its not anti autism or anti adhd but other things like depression and ptsd are actual nuissances so hopefully I managed to convey that #violet if youre reading this i love your fic youre the coolest

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mysleepdeprivedass · 4 years

Text

Another ML fanfiction idea

And here we go for another prompt fic idea that I got while reading a fanfiction on AO3. I want to write this idea but I’m too lazy for writing a whole fanfiction.

And just want to keep in my head but it was driving me crazy sooo let's go.

Btw I inspired by the fanfiction MDR by Yilena (on AO3) (@xiueryn on tumblr) (also I haven’t finish the fanfiction yet but I need to let go the idea of my head)

(let's go for translate everything a wrote again T^T and I just saw how long a wrote, the translation it's gonna be looong x.X also idk some term are correctly translate sorry if it's not)

Also warning, i’m going to talk briefly about eating disorder, bullying and suicide so skip the part in italic if the idea or the word can triggered you.

Have a nice reading on my 2.am writing idea. \0/

AU steamer / youtuber Marinette

Marinette begging steaming around her fifteen, and she become quickly know for her skills for some game

Marinette have now like 19 yrs old, almost 20.

She plays a lot of different games.

At first (when she was 15 ) she wasn't doing face cam steaming. After a years and a half, she start face cam but disguise. Her disguise is, a clothes always in polka dots red and black, and she have a mask which hide almost all her face and she wear a red wig (she have different wig, pixie cut, big curly, straits, ect,... But they're all red)

On twitch she is know as Ladybug, and she have a YouTube channel where she post all her rediffusion of her twitch live.

Marinette have a big community verry supportive and nice. She's the kinda of girl that going to play with her fan during live if she met them on the game.

She doing some explained and tip live on game that she's really good at or that she's love.

Her favorite game are Ultimate Mecha Strike saga. And a new independent MMORPG game call " The Tale of Miraculous" a kinda fantasy/fantastic game, that's become more and more difficult when your reach a levels.

Also it's a no-miraculous idea

At first, when she started live’s, qhe was doing a lot, like every night she was doing a live which ended around 4 or 5am. But after a big meltdown on live (she was around 17 years olds) she make a calender, which sometine change depending on he mood.

Monday Night : Games of her choice, most of the time she play at TTOM (The Tale Of Miraculous) or fighting games. From 8 p.m. to 1 a.m. or 2 a.m.

Wednesday Night : if she started a let’s play, she is doing the let’s plays, if she not she’s doing two or three games, most of the time horror games or strategy games. From 8p.m to midnight or 1 a.m.

Calender most of the time :

Friday Night : chill night, she talk or debates with viewers while playing at Minecraft or she opening fan mail or for some occasion she is cooking. From 8p.m to random but between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m.

Sunday Night : Let’s plays or games selected by the community. From 8p.m to Midnight.

Marinette has become very hermits and go out just a few time. She works at her parents bakery and has her own shop (known as Ladybug) her community know that she makes homemade clothes and she has a lot of customers from her community but also from famous people.

Every other week she doing a live between 9 p.m. and 12 a.m. in addition, where she plays indie games or flash games or during fashion week (or any fashion show) she like to do reviews about it and commentary.

Marinette finished school at home because of harassment, she had ended up making several suicide attempts, and had a severe eating disorder and was anorexic

She suffered bullying very early, already in elementary school, and it got worse in middle school where the physical attack was violent. She got kicks, push down the stair, she got a lot a fractures, spit on, etc,..

After a big lynching after school, she try to kill herself, she got hospitalized and her parents finnaly knew about what she suffered. After that she become homeschooled.

A lot of cosplayers ask for commisions.

Chloé had started insults her in primary school but had stop everything before middle school except that others took over, like Lila.

Chloe apologized to Marinette after her suicide attempt. Even though Marinette and Chloe are not best friends, the two get along. Chloé always feels it's her fault that things got there

During her convalescence it’s when that she became Ladybug but was not in face cam.

She started streaming after being released from the hospital

She had a general ES bac (it’s a degree in french school, if you want i can explain french school in a other post... because I’m french ._.) and she studied fashion by correspondence.

For the 3 years anniversary of her twitch channel, she explain her firt years as the stramers, he past, and explain that twitch literaly save her live.

She self-harm for a long time (betwenn 11 and 16 years old)

She still have drugs and antidepressant, and she is follow by a doctor for her eating disorder.

During her depression, she developed agoraphobia, she doesn’t go to convention where she’s invited because of that, also because she wants to avoid overloading Tikki.

Fu is her psychologist.

Tikki is her service dog because she have anxiety attacks and panic attacks and she can hurt them during those.

Tikki is a Labrador, viewers sometine see her during live (try to climb on Marinette lap’s) or hear her bark (very rare but can alway happen)

Marinette loved roasted the clothing collections and clothing choices in video games. She also loves talking about RuPaul Drag Race.

She’s openly bisexual and gender fluid,

She lives in a small apartment not far from her parents to be able to stream quietly.(And without disturb her parents)

Viewers know other room of her apartment. She stream on green screen, but when she live and do open fan mail she is in front of a wall with drawings and gifts from fans that she received. They also know her kitchen but she rarely on the kitchen.

She don’t do much live on the Kitchen but she doing some videos edited on cook video for explain some bases and some recepis. It is to teach the beginner how to cook or the person who is on a tight budget.

Her first cooking live become a meme. She fall several times, managed to stick an egg to the ceiling (god know how), set fire to heroven, and spilled milk and flour all over her floor.

In her live chill, call “let's talk little, let's talk well” in her playlist of rebroadcast on her youtube channel, she brings people on discord to give their opinion on the subject or their experience. She has with subjects from religion, the LGBTQ community, mental illness, to motor disease, to lighter subjects like which animal people find the cutest or whether or not she should go and throw eggs at her neighbor that she hates or she talks about the series or TV show she watches.

Marinette only go out, for work, appointment or hang out with Luka, Juleka and Rose, all are her childhood best friends.And all know that’s she is Ladybug.

Marinette is known for screaming when she plays horror games and there's quite a lot of compilation of her falling off her chair or screaming, often accompanied by Tikki who jumps on her knees think of a panic attack and suddenly she falls off her chair because of Tikki.

*scene*

Marinette after a litlle jump scar :

“ son of bi-” * Tikki jump on her laps*

Luka is also a stramer mostly music related, but he some night doing game stream. He also have a youtube channel dedicate to music. He is call The Viperion Silencio.

“what the fu- !” *fall off her chair with Tikki on her, Tikki laying on her*

Luka and Marinette dated for a year and a half before realizing that they were better as friends that as couple. Their get along even better after they break.

Hours :

Tuesday night: 8:30 p.m. to midnight, play video games

Friday evening: 8:30 p.m. to 1 a.m., review and play with Marinette at Minecraft

On twitch he sing or do some music reviews that viewers recommend. And if not play

He always showed his faces.

On youtube he does covers, original songs, has critical videos. All the videos are directed by him and edited by Juleka, him or Rose.

He also have odd jobs

Saturday: 8 p.m. to 2:30 a.m., sing, some reviews and a the end he play video games

Nino, Alya and Adrien, are TTOM players, and Adrien is a huge Ladybug fan along with Alya.

He has always been close to Marinette and helped a lot especially for her eating disorder. It helps her eat and regain a healthy relationship with her body and food.

Nino and Alya hang out in each other's apartment in turn

Nino is not a big fan of Ladybug but likes to watch her lives sometine.

Nino and Alya live close to each other and are dating

On the other hand, he's a huge fan of what Luka does.

Nino meets Adrien on a dating site, he made a account for joking (before he dated Alya) and the two got really well, and they started exchange discord, and phone number, playing together, and they already saw each other.

Sometine, Alya and Nino go to Paris and sometime Adrien go to Bordeaux.

Nino and Aly live in Bordeaux.

Alya joined them and the three are very close and have already met in Paris.

Nino, Alya and Adrien are 20 years old, soon 21.

Inside joke between Adrien and Nino, on the fact that Nino “cheats” on Alya with Adrien or vice versa.

Too many “bro” between Adrien and Nino, and too many bro joke

Like, I imagined, Alya hant out at Nino place, the three playing at TTOM.

Nino die

Adrien it’s like “Noo bro, you’re my whole world bro, you can’t live me broo”

Nino is like “ Broo I hace to leave, Bro my end is close, I love you soo much broo, live my life broo”

And Alya his laying on her stomach on Nino bed, head buried in Nino sheets and she growls and insults both them and call them "drama queen"

Alya is a huge sore loser and a salty loser.

In the evening and especially when he is tired Nino is a big game trollers.

Alya is a Ladybug Twitch Admins, she was one of the first on Marinette's channel and she quickly was in her Discord. She chats a lot with her on Discord. And she helps Marinette to make special videos where there is real editing. Other admins do it too.

Adrien, Nino meets Marinette thanks to TTOM because Marinette has created a beginner party where no one knows her, she becomes friends with Nino (whom she quickly destroy) and TIN TIN TIN group chat between the 4 (with Alya in it).

Kim is Nino's childhood friend and he started playing TTOM to spent time with his bro, and ended up in group chat (with Alix because he drag her in the game too), he's not good at games and and just a cannonball but he like let off frustration by beat out the hell of the enemy

Baby step by baby step, the group chat add more people

He live with Alix in Toulouse, their roomate.

Alix plays a bit at TTOM but plays a lot of flash and horror games.

Ivan and Mylène have 22 years old and are a couple, they don't know Ladybug much, but they've already received a lot of donation from her for their environmental association and Marinette has advertised for them for free

Alix likes Ladybug but she is not her favorite streamer.she understand Marinette's struggle on her eating disorder because she had eating disorder since she was a child, Kim helps her a lot with it

Nathaniel lives in Auvergne with Marc, the two work together on comics but Nathalie also works as a freelance illustrator and he has already made the banner and stickers for steamers and youtubers, including Marinette.

Ivan and Mylène do vlogs and have a site and an environmental association that Marinette really appreciates.

Max is a little streamer well known to be one of Marinette's best rivals, especially on Ultimate Mecha Strike 3.

He also does video thumbnails and cover video illustrations for a lot of youtubers including Luka.

Nathaniel started chatting with Marinette because of this (Marinette commissioned him for her website, and her channels) and the two became very good friends.

He lives in Strasbourg and works in engineering stuff.

He does very little live but has a very loyal audience because he's a goddamn god on some games.

And some compilation of their best roasted and sassy moment are on youtube.

The two fight each year for the prize of UMS3

The two like to throw shades at each other when they playing together.. Very big sassy and roasted moment.

* A bit like RuPaul's Reading season 5 between Alaska and Alyssa Edward * (Yeah i’m kinda in some fever of RPDR right now)

Like :

There is a roasted meme running in their respective communities, because Max had been champion for two years when Marinette arrived and took that cup from him.

“Hey Bug In ! Here Ladybug, I'm with our dear friend The Gamer, undefeated champion of UMS3 oh whait -

They talk on discord

Okay I finish to translate everything, and shame on my I finish juste by copy paste from google translate.

* gasp then clap * bravo, it was a good one, Miss [insert thing that Marinette lost or meme of her]

And their conversation is basically shades and meme.

Bruh I wrote a lot :o

I don’t know if I’m going to do some update on it. Give me your opinion on it ! Also you can take some idea just tag me and let’s me see what you have do ^^ !

Good Night

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requiemesque · 5 years

Text

On writing characters with psychiatric disorders: Medication and what happens when you fail to take it

Back again for the first time, today we’re going to talk about writing characters with mood disorders and other mental illnesses and what it’s really like when they don’t take their medication. Specifically, we are going to talk about Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) comorbid with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and a sprinkle of cPTSD (child-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and the effects of skipping one (1) regular dose of a routine selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant that, when taken regularly, works quite well. Because that, dear lovelies, is what I did last night. Long post below the cut.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS: mood disorders, medication, pills, therapy, ptsd, depression, dissociation, anxiety

First, let’s go over why I find it even necessary to talk about such a thing

Common Misconceptions about Mood Disorders and Medications

Myth: Medication makes you a different person.

Truth: Medication, in the right dose and prescribed for the correct disorder, helps you overcome the symptoms of a disorder or condition that are severe enough as to impact ordinary daily functions and severely impair life. They help you be you.

Myth: Medications (instantly) cure depression and other mood disorders, yay!

Truth: *buzzer noise* There is no “cure” for mood disorders or other psychiatric disorders. They are, in a very real way, brain trauma, either implicit or explicit, with very real physiological changes in the structure and chemistry of your brain. Medication (again, when taken in the right dose for the correct disorder) helps stabilize or regulate chemical processes in the brain so as to mitigate or alleviate symptoms of the disorder that otherwise impair daily functioning.

Myth: Medications are a chemical evil with lots of nasty side effects.

Truth: Yes, medications alter the chemistry in your brain, but really, everything alters your brain and body chemistry, even physical actions like taking a walk or a jog. Medication makes use of existing chemical systems in the brain to, again, alleviate symptoms. Just as a jog can result in nausea from dehydration, however, medication does come with side effects because we are changing brain and body chemistry. However, if you are taking the correct medication in the correct dosage, your side effects should or can be minimal and less disruptive than the symptoms of the disorder. If your medication does otherwise, you should consult with your psychiatrist and physician and see if a different dose, producer, or type of medication might work better. You may need to go through different medications and doses to get it right. In my case, I got a medication that works correctly the first go-through, but I had to increase my dosage twice before I got it right, and, in the end, I had to add a second medication to help deal with my panic attacks, and down dose that one twice (lots of pill cutting is involved).

Myth: If you take therapy you don’t need medication and vice-versa.

Truth: While this may be true for some people (different strokes for different blokes), in general, research finds that therapy and medication together, of almost any kind (behavioral, cognitive, meditative, etc.) work better than either method alone. This is because medication helps deal with alleviating physiological and emotional symptoms but therapy helps teach proper coping mechanisms for processing the emotions. To put it another way, medication is a layer of fire retardant material, and therapy teaches you fire safety procedures.

On missing medication

In short, I find it necessary to write about this because there are many factors that influence the effectiveness and the effects of medication on psychiatric disorders, and there are even more misconceptions about what they do and don’t do. The biggest one that even I—someone who has several comorbid disorders and who has studied psychology and the neurology of mood disorders extensively—had is that:

Prior to taking my courses, I thought that missing your medication once would have a disastrous effect, partly due to literature and fanfiction about people “going crazy” because they didn’t have their medication one time, and

After taking my degree and going through so much psychological research I thought I was an expert (note: I’m not, I’m just deeply entrenched in academia), I thought that it took 6-9 weeks for medication to out process from your system because that is the period that psychological studies require you to be medication free or active, and that missing one dose wouldn’t harm you.

In actuality, both are wrong. Missing your medication once does not result in erratic behavior, though if you miss it frequently and don’t take it on a regular schedule, you may experience more or worsening side effects or symptoms. And, though psychologists would like you to have been on a medication for 6-9 weeks or off of it for the purposes of a study, this is purely to avoid confounds in their data, and the period is long because of lingering chemical effects. Truthfully, every medication has a different half-life (the time it takes for half the dose to out process from your body) and thus missing one dose has different effects. In my experience and for the purposes of this post, my SSRI (Zoloft, aka Sertraline, 75mg dose daily) has a half-life of 24 hours. So, by the time I should take my next doses, the medication is already wearing off. Now, just because I miss a single dose doesn’t mean that the effects of regular dosage are instantly gone, but it does lead to some of the following effects, which leads us to the actually relevant portion of this post:

It’s a little bit like being drunk, or high. You space out a bit.

Taking your medication in the morning/whenever you find it again can lead to some weird side effects. Do so at your own risk (me, I suffer, because if I take it in the morning instead of before bed, I will ptfo)

Hyper focus on everything and focus on nothing at the same time.

Headaches

Brain smog

What day/time/week/year is it?

Who am I? / Dissociation levels ↑

????

Did you know that your tongue has a taste?

Feeling extremely motivated and at the same time like you just need a nap

Exhaustion

Emotional spikes in both directions

Increased sensitivity to anxiety attacks, panic attacks, or triggers as applicable

??????????!?

In the morning you won’t remember any of this happened

Time is an illusion, nothing is sacred, everything is permitted, reality is a lie

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acepistol · 5 years

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Log Two: More Meds

₱ⱠɆ₳₴Ɇ ₩₳ł₮...

Man, typing these things is fun, but I should totally write fanfiction.

Wait. Maybe I shouldn't.

Ace Pistol's back with another installment of your favorite Newsletter!

And unnamed Killjoy has given information on Zone 4 Monday afternoon. There's some increased draculoid activity. There are a lot more patrols. The reasons are unknown, but stay safe out there, Zone 4.

There's also some more activity in Zone 3, but we aren't sure what it is. It's not confirmed BLI, so any risk-loving killjoys out there wanna check it out, they can. Send me some information when you do!

I just got my supply of medication for schizophrenia, so worry no more! Albarn and Hewlett are on their way, and for those of you with night terrors, Mr. Sandman will be coming by, too.

I've seen some more killjoy activity on here, and I like what I'm seeing. Thanks for the support. I like to know that I'm a safe spot for you. Life's hard no matter where you are, from the outskirts of the city to the apartment of a suburban family, and I want to provide some heartwarming words to soothe your lonely souls.

I'm working to get vaccinations in my mini-clinic I'm trying to run. Specifically flu shots. If you have any info on non-BLI medication sources, message me!

It's been all Costa Rica crazy since Warriors took the building. Upon learning it was a prosthetic-specific hospital, they're trying to get anyone who needs a hand (get it) what they need, but it's hard getting killjoy rides to and from the city. If I owned a car, I'd help out, but I don't. If you can help out, however, come on down to BLI Prosthetic Research Facility, now property of The Warriors of the Cult, and talk to them about carpooling! They pay good money.

I also plan on heading there on Sunday, the 28th, so if you need some prescriptions filled, or need to request a drug I should get my hands on, stop by if you can. I have blue hair.

On a completely separate note, if you watch BLI television, or listen to their radio, you may have heard about graffiti issues and how they will arrest anyone associated with it. That's mostly my fault, thank you very much. I adore artwork and graffiti, so a few of my friends and I went out on Wednesday and tagged some buildings. It was fun! I wish some of you guys could have been there, though. We had energy drinks and black lights!

If you haven't heard this either, on Friday, BLI announced a new line of antidepressants- 'Get rid of those bad feelings the right way!' Ugh. Makes me sick, and glad I'm the new Killjoy medicine man, getting you guys your doses of Dr. Benzedrine and Donnie the Catcher.

I have a small following of Killjoys now on my newsletter, so if you don't mind, and want to be apart of my squad, message me! Tell me your names, or what you want your name to be! Tell me about yourself! I found a website the other day, and you can make your own emblem on there. It's called Logomakr, and it's a great thing. I used Illustrator for mine, but you can use anything to make yours. Be creative! Send me your logos! I wanna see an uprising!

Well, motorbabies, it's time for me to sign off for now. It's a nice thing, the Internet. You can connect with so many people.

Bye for now!

#my chemical romance #mcr #danger days #the true lives of the fabulous killjoys #danger days the true lives of the fabulous killjoys #party poison #fun ghoul #jet star #kobra kid #fab four #better living industries #bl//ind #bli

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livinginfictions · 5 years

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Stop it.

Stop. Stop it. Fucking knock it off.

Stop glorifying and romanticizing ADHD. Stop right the fuck now.

God, I remember we used to have to have a ton of conversations on tumblr about not romanticizing Depression, because everyone was like ‘sadness is happy for deep people’ ‘depressed people are more creative’ ‘depressed people are more in touch with their emotions’ ‘depressed people appreciate the good things more’

Which, first of all, no the fucking don’t, to any of that. I have adhd so no one should be surprised that i’m derailing my own post for a minute.

Sadness is not happy for deep people, i don’t know where people heard that but it’s bullshit. Sadness is sadness, and it’s awful. Depressed people aren’t more creative, creative people tend to be more depressed because of the stress their life puts on them. Often this is because ‘creative’ people tend to go into jobs in the arts, and that provides like zero job security, ergo, lots of creative people are fucking poor. And being poor can send someone into a depression. Depressed people are not more in touch with their emotions, all of their emotions are getting sucked out of them until all that’s left is an empty void and the only thing your body knows how to do anymore is cry. It’s horrific. Depressed people literally cannot appreciate good things more. That’s the whole fucking point of depression. A beautiful day means nothing when you’re depressed. Sweet treats and smiles on your friend’s faces area all dulled down with sandpaper until you are desperately grabbing at them and your hands just keep slipping off and you can’t understand how it feels for that situation to be good anymore.

Now it’s like everyone’s doing the same thing to ADHD. And they need to fucking stop.

Adhd is NOT a superpower. ADHD is NOT a gift. ADHD is NOT making me more creative.

Do you have any idea what this learning disorder has cost me? Any idea how much more creative and productive and happy could be if I weren’t ADHD?

Do you know how many kids with ADHD drop out of college? How much more likely I am to have gotten my Depression because I’m ADHD? My anxiety?

Hyperfocus is NOT a superpower. Yes, sometimes it helps me get things done, but it also means that i cannot make myself stop doing things when I want to. I will watch youtube videos for hours after I want to stop because...because. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that i’m still scrolling and it’s two in the morning and I want to cry because I want to go to bed, but i’m still scrolling and most of my brain is still interested, so I guess I’m still gonna do this.

Hyperfocus is: I forgot to eat today and now I might actually puke because i’m so nauseous. I forgot to feed my cat and she’s been jumping on the table for two hours to get my attention, but I keep responding on reflex without realizing what’s going on. I set four alarms to get me out of hyperfocus, and i don’t even remember turning them all off. I forgot to go to the bathroom and now that I finally realized I need to go, someone else is in it and i literally might piss my pants from having to wait. Hyperfocus is people getting mad at me for not listening because they stood in front of me and talked to me and to get them to stop bugging me to listen to them I told them I was, all while not listening because I’m still hyperfocused. Hyperfocus is getting so excited about talking that I completely ignore what the people around me are dealing with and follow them from room to room ranting about whatever’s on my mind at the moment and now they’re late for class because they didn’t want to tell me to stop talking because my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria leaves me in tears at the slightest unhappy comment and no matter how many times I promise them that it’s not their fault, no one wants to make their friend cry. I went to bed three hours ago, but because I didn’t write down what I was thinking about instead of going to bed, I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve just been laying here with my white noise machine and doing my breathing exercises and somehow my head is still writing out that fanfiction idea and now it’s five am and i have to get up and write this or I’m never going to sleep. But once i sit down I have no concept of the movement of time and by the time I’m done the sun has been up for an hour and I have class in thirty minutes. Also, now that my hyperfocus is over, I”m never going to return to this fanfiction idea. Also, my perfectionism caused by the ADHD prevents me from even posting it in its half written state.

Hyperfocus is just as hellish as not being able to focus.

So much romanticism of ADHD comes from within the ADHD community, and I’m telling you I understand why you do it. I STILL want you to fucking stop.

There is a vast difference between not hating yourself for having ADHD, and trying so hard to make other people not hate you for having ADHD that you spread misinformation that neurotypical people use against us.

I’m 21 years old and have never been treated for my ADHD. I was diagnosed at the age of four, but since I developed severe depression and anxiety at the age of twelve, no doctor will treat my ADHD because they insist that my Depression and Anxiety must be treated first, or they promise me that the antidepressants they give me will help with all of it and it never does. I need specific ADHD medication, but in order to get that I have to get re-diagnosed because I was never treated and so it’s not actually in my records anymore.

The cause of this six month long hell since realizing that I was failing my classes in large part due to not being able to focus enough to get my homework done, which exacerbated my other disorders?

My mother believed that my ADHD was a gift. That it made me smarter. That it was a ‘superpower’. That it got me good grades. Why would she ever treat that? Why would she ever medicate a child who was getting perfect grades? Who had to be given extra homework in class because she finished her so quickly?

ADHD was so heavily romanticized, and the need for treatment so demonized, that I nearly dropped out of college. Do you know how fucked up it is to be able to say that I can usually handle my Major Depressive Disorder, that I can usually cope with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but that I can’t deal with a learning disability I was diagnosed with at the age of 4?

I spend hours every day looking up coping mechanisms for ADHD and cry at least once a day because everything tells me that medication helps, and I have no idea how much longer I have to wait to get it. I see all these stories about kids who don’t want to take their meds, and I struggle so hard between empathizing with their fear, and being so painfully jealous that they have medication to take.

So yes, teach people that if you have ADHD you can work with your strengths to be successful in life and to deal with the symptoms of the disability. DO NOT teach people that ADHD is a Strength. STOP IT. STOP. You are HURTING PEOPLE.

#ADHD #depression #anxiety #rant #case in point: it's two thirty and I couldn't stop watching adhd videos #and it made me so angry i just spent ten minutes writing this instead of going the fuck to bed #god i miss my husband

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septic-dr-schneep · 6 years

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JSE Fanfiction - In Time of Need (Part 20: Aberration)

Summary: Schneep and Marvin recover from the emotional turmoil after their reconciliation and, in the process, they decide they ought to check in with Jameson.

Schneep returned to the waking world with a start, groaning as soon as his aching eyes were open and flinging an arm over his face. He didn’t have a clock accessible near his little cot in the side room off his lab, but he could sense that it had only been a short time since his conversation with Marvin.

Crying hard always took a lot out of him and when Marvin had finally felt okay enough to pull away and had gotten a good look at him, he’d sniffed, rubbed his face and advised the doctor to go lie down for a while. He’d promised to wake Schneep after an hour or two but as usual, Schneep’s caffeine-fueled body would never perform properly to others’ standards.

He knew he wouldn’t be getting back to sleep any time soon, no matter how his mind craved it and despite the fact that he’d gotten hardly any sleep yesterday night after his panic attack upon finding the doll in his cot. Thus he opted to kick his blanket onto the floor, inelegantly smudge his glasses as he slid them onto his nose and rise.

As he stumbled back out into the main room, his attention naturally gravitated back to Jack. “It’s about time you got a change for some fresh IV bags, isn’t it?” he mused, coughing to clear his throat as his voice broke. It was a habit his body had when he’d just woken up that was quite exasperating; a good doctor was supposed to speak with prestige and clarity!

A good doctor…

His anguished words to Marvin easily came back to him then and he pursed his lips, grimacing as he pulled the IV bags down from their rack and the upward motion made the stitches in his arms and shoulders protest. He had to be a good doctor. He may not have made anything better for Jack and Jackieboy…He may have made everything worse for them, in fact, but he still had to be a good doctor.

“I can start by cleaning up after messes I made and taking tender, loving care of you while you are sleeping,” he concluded to Jack, as if his creator could have heard his thoughts. “Is least I can do for you, Jack, after everything you’ve done for me.”

Once the bags had been changed, antidepressants and all, Schneep drifted over to his coffee machine. Upon returning with his #1 Doctor mug filled to the brim, he sank down into the chair by Jack’s bedside, sipping on the coffee before the steam had even subsided. It was hot enough to make his toes curl in his loafers but the taste of cinnamon and peppermint more than made up for it. Thoughtfully he paused, leaning forward and blowing some of the steam gently in Jack’s direction. Perhaps he imagined that Jack’s breathing deepened as it reached him, but it was a comforting thought.

“This is the closest we get to sharing coffee again,” he remarked softly. The comment didn’t stir as much pain in him as it usually did, to his vague surprise. The future for Jack was still just as uncertain as it had been yesterday and there were still no signs other than Chase’s word that he was anything close to responsive, but Schneep must have simply cried himself out earlier. There were no more tears to shed for Jack, at least not for today. They wouldn’t change anything.

In a way, it was even more important that he had spent those tears for the noble cause of reconciling with Marvin. He’d even gotten the magician to open up with him, which was more of a rarity that Schneep cared to admit. They had never clicked with each other the way they had with Jackieboy and more often than not, he was the one who dragged them onto neutral ground and forced them to face their differences when they surfaced as arguments.

Somehow or another they had managed to make their way through it on their own and Schneep genuinely hoped that it would be a good starting point for the future, proving that they could get through everything else on their own until Jackieboy woke.

He was going to wake up; he and Jack both were. Right now, with the state of mind he was in, Schneep refused to face any other alternative.

After sitting in silence and sipping his way halfway down the mug for a while, he returned to his feet, promising, “I’ll be back soon, Jack. I just need to go check on the others, alright?” and then shuffling out of the lab, dimming the lights slightly as he went.

“Hey, what are you doing up?” Marvin scolded. “It’s only been forty-five minutes, Schneep, you’re supposed to—oh, well, the coffee explains it. You really need to start going lighter on that stuff if you ever want to sleep well again.”

“Are you really going to give another speech about how unhealthy it is for me every time you see me with a coffee mug?!” Schneep exclaimed, to which Marvin simply huffed and turned down the volume on the TV. As soon as Schneep shuffled in his direction to join him on the couch, however, he switched the channel, earning a suspicious look that lingered until he finally glanced sideways to meet it.

“Before you ask, yes, it was a Disney movie,” he admitted grudgingly.

“Of course it was. You give me the grief and the nagging for my vices—” He lifted the coffee mug indicatively. “—at the very same minute you’re indulging yours!”

“Y’know, now that my magic is returning, I could perform a spell that would make you see stars and put you to sleep for hours.”

“As long as you caught my coffee mug before it fell,” Schneep countered with a petty little smile. “Otherwise you’d have to perform quite the disappearing act when I woke up and started hunting you down to avenge it.”

Marvin waved him off at that, clearly not appreciating the weight of the threat, and Schneep was forced to resist the urge to elbow him before taking a stoic, lingering slurp of his drink. Judging by how quickly Marvin threw himself off the couch, the noise aggravated him just as it was meant to, Schneep noted, stifling a giggle and then stopping up short as realization dawned.

When was the last time he’d found anything funny? He couldn’t even remember. Why had this of all things been the reason for him to crack a smile again? Perhaps it was just childish enough, just relaxed enough that he felt free to.

“I’m going to pick up Jameson from the ABOP,” Marvin announced, cracking each knuckle individually as he centered himself in the hallway to open the portal.

“You left him there overnight?” Schneep scolded, setting his mug on the coffee table.

“Well, he said he wasn’t in any hurry to come back. Hopefully he’ll have calmed down after a good night’s sleep. You should come with me, by the way, to get an update on Sam,” Marvin offered, magic stirring between his outstretched hands. “Let’s hope he’ll be doing a little better too.”

It had been a while since Schneep had traveled by portal; it took him a moment to find his feet and let the dizziness subside but once it had, he looked up. Jameson didn’t come running to meet them and he wasn’t on the cot in the corner, so he couldn’t still be asleep. Where was he?

“Jamie?” he called, moving ahead of Marvin and scanning the darkness. “Jamie, come on out now. We’re here to bring you—”

“Whoa, what’s going on with Sam?” Marvin cut him off in astonishment, drawing Schneep’s gaze to the tank where their mascot was repetitively slamming himself against the backside of the glass.

“Sam?” Schneep’s voice managed to catch the eye’s attention. He whirled around, drawing gasps from the both of them before Schneep hurried toward him, admonishing worriedly, “Oh, Sammy, you’ve given yourself a black eye! What have you been doing?!”

Despite the way his pupil was dilated in obvious pain from the bruises, Sam refused to stop, surging against the side of the tank closest to them and then charging at the backside, striking it three more times before rushing back to them and whipping his tail frantically to and fro. Marvin soon joined Schneep at his side, trying to puzzle out whatever Sam may be communicating. He didn’t have long, for moments later Sam shook himself and hit the back of the tank yet again, so hard that they could hear the thunk reverberate back to them before he spiraled down to the bottom of the tank, rather dazed.

“Stop for a moment, little one, you’re hurting yourself! Why are you hitting the glass like that?” Schneep demanded, blinking in bewilderment as Sam sluggishly turned away from them and stared off in the direction of the debris dump. Now that he was actively following his gaze, the doctor leaned sideways, commenting, “Is it me or is some light coming from there?”

“Well, yeah, but some of the machines like to flicker on and off,” Marvin answered, extending an arm to bar Schneep’s path as he tried to shift toward it. “I’ll check it out. You take a look at Sam.”

Opting not to argue, Schneep lowered himself to a crouch and clicked his fingers invitingly. “Here, Sammy. Here!”

Sam usually listened to him more than the others so he had honestly expected him to obey immediately, but instead he remained fixated on the direction Marvin was going. Tsking in bewilderment, Schneep snapped again, more insistently, finally earning a halfhearted wag of Sam’s tail and a glance back at him.

“Come here,” the doctor urged again, his worry and confusion lingering even as Sam backed slowly away from that side of the tank and wandered toward him. Sam himself looked far more upset than Schneep was, so he put a hand against the glass which Sam promptly swam to, nuzzling against it for comfort as the Ego crooned, “There’s my Sam, there he is. You’re very swollen and bruised, little friend…How long were you hitting the glass? Tell the good doctor what is bothering you, hmm? What made you do this?”

“Jameson!”

Marvin’s bark of alarm broke both Schneep’s concentration and the progress he had made at calming Sam down. The mascot flew back toward the other side, bouncing up and down in front of it urgently as Schneep scrambled to his feet and jogged after the sound of Marvin’s voice.

“Jamie?” he called again. “Marvin, what’s going—?”

Before he could finish, Marvin was barreling into him, shoving him back the way he had come and paying no heed to his yelps of pain as he spat, “Back, get back!” and clamped a hand over his face, blinding him.

“What?! M-Marvin, what are you—? Get off! Oof!” The stunned grunt was forced out of him as his back was planted forcefully against Sam’s tank. Only when Schneep had stopped struggling against the new position did Marvin take a moment to still, one arm pressed against Schneep’s chest to keep him where he was. Why was he panting so heavily, so panically? Schneep wondered, too nervous to ask.

“Don’t…look,” Marvin growled lowly, to which Schneep helplessly shook his head.

“Your hand is over my eyes,” he reminded him apprehensively. “I can’t look.”

At that Marvin heaved a deeper breath, muttering something that Schneep couldn’t quite catch before raising his voice again. “Okay. Okay, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Can you do that?” At Schneep’s wordless nod, he continued cautiously, “Jameson is over there.”

“Then why doesn’t he come to us? Why don’t we go to him?”

“He can’t and you can’t. I can go to him, but you can’t come with me.”

His face contorting under Marvin’s hand, Schneep allowed some of his frustration to blend into his voice as he protested, “Why not? It’s the debris dump! Nothing special, I’ve been there hundreds of times—”

“Not for the past nine months, you haven’t,” Marvin interrupted pointedly, his fingertips digging into the skin under Schneep’s temple. “There’s been an…addition since you’ve been gone. It was back in December. There was something new, something we’ve never seen before, that wasn’t like anything else we’d experienced. We put it there because it was just too dangerous to have in the house.”

“What?” Schneep breathed, both taken aback and increasingly uneasy at this news. Because their faces were mere inches apart, he could hear Marvin swallow hard. He could practically hear him thinking about whatever the outcome could have been before getting his mind back to the moment at hand.

“You need to wait here,” he instructed, shushing the younger Ego before he could protest. “Wait, Schneep. I’m going to get Jameson and bring him back here. When I do, he’s going to need you, but while I’m over there, this is what you need to do: you stay right here and keep your eyes shut no matter what you’re hearing. Do you understand? When I take my hand away, you keep your eyes shut and you don’t open them again until I tell you it’s safe. Are you hearing me?”

“What is this danger?” Schneep couldn’t resist asking, to which Marvin simply repeated his question. “Yes, I—I understand.” As the pressure of Marvin’s hand eased on his face, he hurriedly ducked his head and closed his eyes, straining his ears to follow the magician’s footsteps as they receded in the opposite direction.

It took entirely too long for them to grow louder again; by the time they did, Schneep was fidgeting, his lashes flickering ever so slightly as the temptation to peek grew. He could feel Sam pressed against the glass immediately behind him, tapping it restlessly, which just fueled his own nervous tension. At long last, Marvin relented, though his voice was quiet and pained as he did so.

“…You can look now, doc.”

Schneep’s eyes flew open. As soon as they did, his mouth dropped open with them and he lunged forward, forgetting all about how he had planned to look in the direction of the debris to see how Marvin had dealt with the unknown menace.

“No…No, no!” Nearly knocking heads with Marvin as he bent over the gentleman cradled in his arms, Schneep burst out frantically, “Jamie! Oh, Jamie, what’s happened to you?! Jameson?” Sliding his hands underneath the youngest Ego’s head, he gingerly lifted it from where it had fallen against Marvin’s shoulder, tightly cupping his ashen cheeks and peering into his glazed, distant eyes. He was staring right through him. “Can you hear me?! Can you—? Marvin, bring him to the cot and lie him down!”

Releasing Jameson and letting his head fall, he rushed ahead of them, his mind racing as he turned on the old lamp nearby, frenziedly wiping the dust off on his coat as his heart throbbed to keep up. This couldn’t happen. This couldn’t be happening.

“Be a good doctor,” he murmured hoarsely as the fear that had become all too familiar now created a tremble in his fingers. “Be a good doctor, be a good doctor, be a good doctor…He needs you…We’re—we’re not losing him too…”

We can’t lose him too.

#youtube #jacksepticeye #fanfiction #youtube fanfiction #dr schneeplestein #marvin the magnificent #jameson jackson #dapper jack #angst #hurt comfort #overnight watch #best kept secret #in time of need

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elle-stevens · 5 years

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The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty Six

I woke up like this - crappy.

Haha, putting a morbid twist on Beyonce doesn’t work that well, huh? In all seriousness, my rising wasn’t that bad. I actually got close to 9 hours of sleep and only woke up twice to have a delightful coughing fit.

My throat still felt pretty hoarse even after drinking water when I woke up in the middle of the night. The joys of having gastritis: the stomach acid seeping through my ruined esophagus and into my throat sucks up all the moisture in my mouth.

And I thought having ‘dry mouth’ while I was still on antidepressants was hard to live with...

On the plus side, I didn’t have a single sneezing fit while I was at work. Maybe whatever illness I picked up two weeks ago is finally losing traction. I’m sneezing right now after coming home, but I will enjoy the small victories.

Work was fine, pretty chilled in parts. I let three of my classes have ‘juice parties’ since they finished their first assessment last week while my fourth class had theirs yesterday. I even bought each of my students candy and chocolate. It feels nice having enough money again to splurge on other people, especially my students. Almost all of my monthly pay cheques in the past 6 months had gone to X and her ridiculous whims; I felt so trapped for the longest time. I can’t believe I let someone I loved use and abuse me so much.

My students were pretty noisy and annoying all day and I finally snapped with my sixth graders when they would shut up after I repeatedly tried to get them to calm down and listen to me. So I dragged them outside into the hallway twice: once to do Jumping Jacks and then to hold their hands above their heads for a minute the second time for one minute. I made them re-start whenever they didn’t listen or follow my instructions to show them that I meant business.

And after that - blissful silence for 10 minutes before the bell rang while I let them watch ‘Shazam’.

It feels to get my way, even in these small situations. As dumb as it sounds, it makes me think that just maybe, I can take control of my life again after all the turmoil I’ve experienced in recent times.

I’ve been re-reading a lot of my old fanfictions that I wrote years ago, all the way up last year. I took a hiatus from creative writing after X got ‘sick’; my heart just wasn’t in it during that time. A part of me is itching to get back into it; I seem to do my best work when I’m broken-hearted and miserable. But I don’t have any tangible ideas, only a desperate urge to write about something and everything.

Anyway, I often re-read the comments that people have left on my stories to give me an ego boost and I came across a few from X. We first met online when she read some of my fanfics about random K-pop idols.

Yes, I know, I like Korean pop music and it’s kinda embarassing. In my defence, the music is catchy and the idols are hot af. What else would’ve inspired me to write?

But back to me and X.

She was what you might call a ‘fanfic groupie’ of mine minus the sex. She liked my stories and she commented on lots of them over the years. But I didn’t notice her at first since I was still licking my wounds over my break-up with KA, who I had met in similar fashion.

Yes, that’s right, I dated two of my fanfic groupies and both relationships fell apart. I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

Anyway, I read through some of X’s old comments and they almost made me smile. This is mainly because I felt like I was reading a different person’s comments and not that of my ex-girlfriend. Some of her comments were before we dated and some of them were after we started dating. But all of them are the same: sweet, adoring and kind. I don’t care so much about the ‘adoration’ part, but I do miss X’s kindness and her sincerity.

I miss everything I had before, especially the writing part. I always dreamed that I would one day became a world famous novelist like J.K. Rowling. Reading Harry Potter in my teens got me through some dark days and I always wanted my writing to do the same for other people. But that ‘million dollar idea’ that will land me a Hollywood movie deal as well is eluding me so far. Writing’s one of the few gifts that I have which makes me feel special and the spark is just gone these days.

I hope I can write again soon, it might lift me out of this depressing hole that I’ve dug for myself lately.

I started typing my blog entry while waiting for some bread that I ordered to arrive. Did you know that you can order some food items from online stores in China that will deliver to your home within an hour? I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but China is kind of fucking cool that way! I’m so addicted to online shopping. Maybe I could making shopping my new significant other instead of an actual person...

Alright, no more talking nonsense. I need to go to the gym and hate every bit of exercise I’m about to engage in. I haven’t binged Netflix in a while, maybe I’ll do that tonight. There are a couple of shows with new seasons I’d like to catch on. Plus, there’s a new Chinese drama that C recommended to me I’d like to check out.

I have plans with D tomorrow to celebrate her birthday in the evening. I hope the present I ordered for her gets delivered to my work tomorrow. Since I’m gonna meet her, I might not have time to exercise tomorrow evening. So I’ll put my gym clothes into my work bag and take it to school tomorrow. I’m only teaching two classes anyway, so I have time to slip away for 20-30 minutes to exercise and then do the rest of my work at my desk.

When I felt down last night about X, I texted K and told her about it. She told me to try and take it one day at a time. She’s right, I need to give myself time to heal. No one who’s ever had a broken heart in the history of broken hearts has ever recovered from that hot mess in record time.

I’ll only know I can breathe easily again after I’ve come up for air and swum back to shore.

I’ve thought of a few stages of post break-ups that I’ve summarised into the 5 D’s which I seem to have gone through so far:

Stage 1 - Disbelief

Stage 2 - Distraction

Stage 3 - Debauchery

Stage 4 - Depression

Stage 5 - Departure

I feel certain that I’ll amend the names of some of the stages or switch the stages around at a later time. But for right now, these seem to fit my situation well, especially stage 4.

I wonder when I’ll finally get to stage 5.

#breakupblog #daythirtysix

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my-writing-blog-2003-blog · 7 years

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Nothing Ever Ends

FANFICTION BASED ON ELEANOR AND PARK BY RAINBOW ROWELL

Based on the novel Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell, (who is the creator and owner of all things Eleanor and Park; I just like to hang out with them)

PARK

Sometimes when special people come into your life and surprise you and make you happy and force you to understand things about yourself that you didn’t really know and show you what’s special and amazing and perfect and how good things can truly be, that part of your life- that little moment in time is like dessert at a fancy restaurant, really good dessert that is sweet and special and amazing. My Aunt Wendy calls that kind of dessert Humming Dessert because it’s so freaking good it makes you spontaneously break into song. Then you finish it, lick the spoon and the plate like a greedy child, and there’s nothing left but the washing up. It all ends and goes away and whether it’s a person or a dessert, it just leaves you vaguely ashamed, with a stomach ache and the beginnings of tooth decay. That’s sort of like what happened with Eleanor. I was fine before she fell into my life or the school bus seat to be exact. I wouldn’t have known any different if she just never existed. Hell, I don’t even like dessert. Never eat the stuff. But Eleanor was big and loud, beautiful really. Too big and loud and beautiful and now that she is gone, I just have a big, loud hole where she made her space in my heart and then left it empty. My life had gone back to the way it was before Eleanor. Lonely. She didn't reply to my postcards. She didn't reply my letters or any of my calls. Then a postcard came from Minnesota with only three words, and they weren’t even a promise, more of a pronouncement, a finale.

ELEANOR

Park called, texted, emailed, snail-mailed but I never responded. People might think that I am a terrible person because of how I seemingly shunned him. I never answered but I had a really really good reason. I wanted, no, I needed to pretend nothing had ever happened with Park. There was no Park. That way I could try to live and never go back to the hurt and pain that was my life before. It was so brutal. So bad. The only glimmer of good then was Park. He was more than good, he was everything. My savior, my beautiful boy. But now it's all gone-all the brutal and the little bit of way too good- and it hurts me to say this but I would rather be here without him, than there with my psycho creeper stepdad and my completely worthless mom. I miss him. But I don’t regret my decision to leave. I needed to escape and get away from that cesspool. I had to move on. There were better things ahead. Park was in the past with all the rest of history and he would just have to stay there. It was for the best, but it didn’t make it easy. Nothing ever seems to be easy. At least Uncle Geoff was a good guy and had helped with, Jeez, what hasn’t he helped with? He’s the reason I’m alive, him and Park. He is what a grown up is supposed to be. Thank God for him. He took me in and saved me from that rathole. He’s given me so much and apparently just because he wants to and because I am his niece. New clothes, food, a bedroom and a bathroom of my own, he enrolled me in the best high school in town and got me a tutor so I’ve been getting my grades up. He even got me an interview with the Dean of Admissions at UVA, because they’re old friends and he went there. Apparently, I didn’t suck, they were really nice and they offered me a scholarship. So I get to go to college. Everything is changing and it’s all good now. I’m not going backward. I can’t, but I can’t really forget Park. I can’t say goodbye, can I? I have to. Jesus. Maybe college will help me with that. New people, new place. I am going to UVA.

PARK

It has been three days since I sent my last letter and five minutes since my last unanswered call. Nothing since the postcard with the three word pronouncement. Had she given up on me? Was it really over? Until now it felt like there was still an ounce of hope that I might see her again. Now I’m not so sure. What the hell was she thinking? So frustrating. I wasn’t sure of it before, but it’s becoming clear to me that I am actually pathetic. I just woke up this morning feeling like I needed to try to move on. Eleanor had probably moved on too. Everything is changing. Summer is almost over. Orientation for college is right around the corner. Mom is already trying to buy me enough shit to fill freaking house, when I’m going to be in a tiny little dorm room with a roommate (ugh) who will probably be a jock who likes beer pong and pop music.

ELEANOR

“Bye, Uncle Geoff!” I said. “Thanks so much for letting me stay with you. For everything, really.” I felt a lump grow in my throat and my eyes started stinging.

“Anytime, Eleanor, anything you need. I am here for you. I just wanted to say how proud I am of you. After everything you have been through, you landed on your feet, you are so resilient. You will always have a home here, your room is your room. I love you, Eleanor.” And just like that, I got out of the car and was walking alone at the airport on my way toward the future. With my boarding pass in one hand and my duffel bag in the other, I start to walk towards the sliding doors. There was a time all my stuff would have fit in this duffel, hell probably would have fit in a lunch bag. This one just held the things that I wanted to keep at home and carry with me. All the rest of my things were already at college. My uncle sent boxes of my clothes and books and stuff for my dorm room ahead to the college, and apparently I was just going to be able to have it delivered to my dorm room and unpack when I get to school. I exhaled a big breath to try to collect my thoughts and settle my nerves. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see a boy. A good looking Korean boy in the check-in lane. My heart attempts to run out of my chest. I turn towards him staring like an idiot and standing there a few feet away from me is Park. My legs start to move without my permission and then I stop just a few feet from him and realize it is not Park. He turns to look at me, apparently sensing this crazy redhead stalking toward him and I turn away and walk quickly inside, not looking back. When I walk inside the airport doors, a soft cool air rushes over my face. I look around, people everywhere. This many people all around always scares me, the staring, judging, and criticizing. I've always liked being alone more than being with people. Park was the only person I ever felt comfortable being myself around. But Park is not here. He is in the past. And I have to get on with it, I guess, so I put up my hood and start walking into the sea of unfamiliar faces. When I get to the gate, I separate myself from the other people and sit by the window. I close my eyes. And they don’t open until the overhead speaker calls out my flight. At the gate, there is an older woman in the starched crisp navy blue uniform. She smiles kindly at me and takes my boarding pass. I walk onto the plane and don’t look back. I slip into my seat and put my headphones on. The Smiths start crooning their unique blending of melancholic lyrics and upbeat, driving rock. “There is a light that never goes out…” I block out the crying babies, the people pushing down the plane into economy seats behind me, the snotty flight attendants with their tired announcements, and slowly drift off into my own world...

PARK

Her name is Lilly. Lilly’s Mom is Korean and her Dad is from Nebraska, just like my parents. Her parents and my parents have been friends for almost 15 years. I’ve known her since she was 2 and I was 3 and our parents used to put us in the same play groups, take us to the playground and sit us next to each other at all the family dinners and parties and cook outs. She was at my house as much as she was at her house growing up and I feel as attracted to her as I might to a desk or a two by four, you know? Like a sister if I had one. I mean she’s not ugly or anything, just picture any petite Korean-American girl, porcelain skin and jet hair, and you’ve got a pretty good idea what Lilly looks like. Also Christian but not devout, and smart and disciplined, Lilly is an accomplished violinist and destined for the Ivy League. All starched white collars and dress pants. Not for me. But my Mom and Dad were starting to really lose it about my obsession with Eleanor, threatening me with therapy and antidepressants, looking at each other with furrowed brows and whispers and I needed to show them that I didn’t need to be on suicide watch. So to save myself a trip to some shrink and prozac, now I am “dating” Lilly, which is perfect cover for her too. Both our parents are overjoyed at the thought of us as a couple. I’m guessing our Moms get together and talk about baby names and wedding cakes or some shit, meanwhile I get to appear to be “over Eleanor” and Lilly can continue to date her “best friend” Ella, the first Cellist, without anyone the wiser. It’s win-win for everybody. Besides, college is starting soon, and with Lilly a year behind me and Eleanor a ghost, I will soon be alone to start a new blank slate, or to wallow in peace over Eleanor, which seems more likely.

ELEANOR

I arrived at school three weeks before freshman orientation, because my work study job was with the campus bookstore, and I needed to do job training before the influx of new students buying their shiny new textbooks and supplies. I couldn’t imagine it would really be that busy. I mean who other than me buys books anymore? Everything is on the internet and people can download their syllabi and notes to their eReaders. In high school senior year, everything was on my Chromebook. But nonetheless, I was assigned to the bookstore and told to report three weeks early for training, so here I was.

Somehow I won the equivalent of the dorm room lottery jackpot, as I happily discovered that I was assigned to a coveted single. It’s exactly what I wanted, but I heard that freshmen never get one. They are as rare as unicorns or something. After I got settled in my room and found that Uncle Geoff had paid someone to bring in my boxes and unpack for me, even filling a tiny refrigerator with drinks and stuff. My room was ready and stocked with everything I could possibly need, thanks to Uncle Geoff’s dorm room fairy. The campus bookstore, Chapter One, was in the middle of the old campus in downtown Charlottesville. The bookstore manager was a nice old man named Joseph who I instantly liked. Joseph and I got along immediately. Joe was my first friend at college. He listened to me. He didn’t judge me for the way I looked. He made me laugh. He would run his fingers through his sparse hair, scratch his head and smile with his eyes, seeming to always have more to say but choosing not to say it. I can respect that in a person. It seems much more challenging than letting every vapid thought just spill from your stupid thoughtless mouth all the time, like all those mean-spirited bullies that Park rescued me from back in Nebraska. Things are often better left unsaid, at least that’s been my experience.

I feel so fortunate to have landed this job. I can’t imagine what other jobs I might have had for work study, but I keep having to shake the horrifying image of myself in a hairnet and apron. Hell no.

The bookstore is perfect. For training, I work there everyday from opening to closing until school starts and then when school starts, I will work 3-4 shifts per week. People come in there all the time. There is never a dull moment. People who don’t even go to UVA come into the store and just wander around and buy sweatshirts and t-shirts and bumper stickers and stuff. It keeps me busy and entertained watching the steady stream of people passing through this place.

I know it is a stereotype, but in my experience, it's certainly true that Asian boys are into engineering and math and science. I say this because every single Korean boy that walks into the bookstore seems to be buying the catalog of engineering and math textbooks and they all remind me of Park. Some of them more than others. I was freaked out a little at the beginning but now I am at least to the point where I don’t jump every time I see them. I know Joseph noticed, even though he hasn’t said anything about it. He probably thinks I’m prejudiced against Asians, or men, or Asian men, but he is polite enough not to ask.

After about a week, I had walked the campus a lot in my free time, and was already starting to get comfortable here. I had to be at work in about an hour so I decided I’d stop at one of the coffee shops. I ordered my vanilla latte and sat at one of the tables and I realized Korean men were literally everywhere, not just in the bookstore. And what was even more unsettling was that they all resemble Park in some respect. But every time I saw a Park look-alike, there was something that told me that it wasn’t him. After the unfortunate incident at the airport where I nearly touched that guy, I’ve at least had enough sense not to be too obvious about my staring fits. Partly that I was in Virginia and Park was still in Nebraska. But it was also the feeling in my gut that it wasn’t him. If he were here, I am sure that I would simply know. I got up and threw my cup away. When I got to work, Joseph was waiting for me with his kind, agreeable smile. He had a whole bunch of work for me to do. So I just got straight to it.

PARK

We were finally in Virginia. The road trip had taken forever. Being in a car with my parents and my brother for 17 hours had to be equivalent to spending time in purgatory. My Mom barely made it to Missouri before she insisted we stop for a snack. By the time we stopped for the night in Western Kentucky, I was ready to hitchhike the rest of the way with a total stranger. My parents are the kind of people who sing sappy love songs to each other. Hearing your Dad serenading your Mom with “Endless Love” is about as nauseating as life gets for an impressionable disaffected guy like me. I listened to my playlist over and over to block out the horror, I might have given myself permanent hearing loss. Guess that’s better than the ear bleach required to get that shit out of my brain. My brother played video games and Lilly read To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I don’t know how she doesn't get car sick but she never took her face out of that book, except to look up and smile at my parents being idiotic with each other. Seriously. Just. No.

When we mercifully and finally pulled onto campus and found my dorm, my parents and Lilly helped me move in and get settled. Mom insisted on making my bed. Josh disappeared to the basketball court with my ball as soon as the car eased to a stop and probably already made a team full of friends in the time it took me to unpack my toothbrush. Moron.

Finally, we went out when Mom was satisfied that the room was perfect. My parents wanted to stop at Chapter One, the campus bookstore because Mom was determined to buy one of everything emblazoned with the school name and logo, and I also needed my textbooks. However, everyone was tired and needed a break and some food first. We walked for a little while around the campus. We ate lunch at the cafe right outside my dorm and continued to meander about like a busload of demented senior citizens without a clue between them. We finally found the bookstore. My brother stayed outside on a bench. When we got inside, we all separated. I went over to the textbooks and grabbed everything I needed. The coursework and texts were available online, but I prefer real books. Guess I’m old fashioned that way. I called for my parents but they were too busy shopping for useless crap to decorate my already filled dorm. I am certain that whoever my roommate turns out to be, their first impression of me as a person will be “hoarder.” Lilly was browsing through the hoodies and tshirts. I went back to organizing the books I’d selected into a pile I could actually carry. Looking over again, I saw my mom picking out a pink ‘University of Virginia’ sweatshirt for Lilly. Lilly shook her head no. Ha. Lilly hates pink. She looked over at me imploring for me to come save her from girly hued spirit wear, and my overbearing Mom. I lifted my unbelievably heavy mound of textbooks and headed toward them. I dropped the book pile on a conveniently placed bench.

“Ma, what about this blue one for Lilly?” I said congenially, “You know, since blue and orange are actually the school colors and all.” I grabbed it from the rack and held it up in front of Lilly’s petite frame and she smiled up at me appreciatively. Mom and Lilly began negotiations over the color and style and I eyed that bench with all my books. I couldn’t see my dad. So, I sat down and closed my eyes.

ELEANOR

I was stacking books in the back when I hear the bell ring on the door. I don’t bother going out because I know Joseph is up front and will be happy to help them. I finish and walk out of the back doors with the empty boxes in my hands. I grab a box of UVA shot glasses and walk into the third aisle, where all the coffee mugs, beer glasses and cups of every variety are shelved. I start stacking shot glasses and all of the sudden there is a big shadow over my body. My hands freeze where they are and I look up. Suddenly my hands are shaking and my heart is beating. I don’t blink or breath. I am speechless in shock from the man I see in front of me.

“Eleanor?” the man says gently with equal surprise.

“Mr. Sheridan?” I stutter.

“What are you doing here, sweetie?” He responds.

“I-I, I w-work h-h-here.”

“Oh really? Wow. We just brought Park today, for freshman orientation. School starts for him next week.” Mr. Sheridan turns around and calls, “Oh, Park! Park! Look who I found.” He says. I, like the chicken shit I am, turn and sprint for the back room. Park’s Dad is turning back and forth between where Park and his Mom are standing at the sweatshirts and the space that was occupied by me moments before. Had I still been standing there, I’d have seen the frown and confusion in his face at my sudden disappearance, but I was busy hyperventilating in what amounts to a closet. All these days of fake Parks and I was getting really used to not missing him or thinking about him every second of every day and he’s right here in freaking front of me with his family. What the-

I peer out the small round window like a super pathetic spy on my tiptoes from my sanctuary in the back room and sure enough, there standing a few feet in front of me is Park. Oh my god. My Park. I watch him in wonder. He holds a red hoodie up to the front of a tiny perfect Korean girl while his Mom looks on and perfect Korean girl- girlfriend??- smiles adoringly up at him. Noooo.

“I like this one, Parky! What do you think, Mindy??” the girl gushes.

I can’t explain what comes over me, but I exit the back room and walk straight over to them. Mrs. Sheridan sees me, and Mr. Sheridan smiles and shoves Park gently on the shoulder. And I watch as confused, he turns in my direction. I watch as his face pales and then my attention is turned to a musical female voice. I turn to face the perfect Korean girl.

“Oh, hi! Oh my gosh! You must be Eleanor. Right? I’m Lilly. Wow. Park?” It’s like she can’t stop saying things but everyone else is just silent.

“Eleanor, what time do you get off work? Do you want to join us for some pizza?” Park's Dad offers politely. I feel my eyes getting wet and can’t answer.

I don’t say anything. A wave of emotions rushes through my body. Despondency. Rage. Hurt. How long did it take him to meet her? The complete opposite of huge, loud, awkward and ridiculous red-headed me. I want to cry or hit something. But I don’t, I hold all my emotions in. I can’t believe he has moved on. Park’s Mom pulls me into a warm hug and I feel like I’m about to die. I have to get away from them and I don’t know- what do you do when the love of your life shows up with a perfect Korean girlfriend and reduces you to a nauseated distraught mess.

“Eleanor? Eleanor! How are you doing?” Joseph says, interrupting this train wreck just in time to stop me melting down in front of Park, his parents and the perfect Korean. “You are needed on the phone, why don’t you take it in the back room and I will help these nice people make their purchases and go?”

Joseph must have put it all together from everything I’d confided to him and like the gallant knight, he swooped in sans white horse to rescue me from total humiliation. I looked once more at Park, who still hadn’t spoken a word and then turned and walked back to the storeroom where there was in fact, no call holding for me. Bless Joseph.

I look out the window again from my haven in the back room, l watch Park and see the sweet Korean boy that I love with his sweet and completely perfect Korean girlfriend. They have paid for their purchases and are exiting the store with his parents behind them. I turn around and crumple on the floor and finally come unglued. My face turns hot and sweaty and I cry and don’t stop for I don’t know how long, until Joseph comes back to ask what I need. “Eleanor?”

“Nothing.” I blubber.

“Well obviously not nothing. How about some tea?”

I wipe my eyes and look at him, getting up off the floor. “no thank you.” Then he just wraps me up in a comforting hug and I fall again into waves of sadness and loss.

PARK

What the -*&%^$#* Are you #&@*ing $( #&ing me with this mother*@## *#ing $#!t How the &^$&? What is happening!!? *(%(& !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ELEANOR

Joseph reluctantly went home for the night after I declined all of his generous offers for aid, it was my turn to close. The best thing I can do for myself now is go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare tomorrow when I can drop out of school and move back to Uncle Geoff’s and work at Starbucks. I’m nice, I might even make manager some day. Shit. I’m not going anywhere. This is my future! That’s why I’m here. And no Park and his stupid perfect Korean girlfriend changes any of that. Joseph wanted to stay but I insisted he go home to his family. I had stopped crying after a while. I can’t believe what happened today. I still think it might have been a dream except for the fact that my eyes burn from the tears. I grab my jacket, keys and wallet and shut off the lights. When I go outside, I lock the doors and out of the corner of my eye I see a shadowy figure of a man on the bench across from the store. I look back to the doors, double check the locks and start walking toward my dorm. Startled, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I quickly spin around and it’s him. Park.

*START GRADING HERE

PARK

So I took a little longer to regain the power of speech than the average guy, maybe. But what do you expect? I was absolutely blown away seeing her there in that bookstore looking all exquisite and just like always. How the hell is she here? Dad said she told him she worked at the bookstore? Is she going to college here? What are the odds? What if she hates me? That look she gave me when she saw me there, she didn’t even speak and then she was just gone sequestered in some back room by her boss who seems to know all about me. What if I can’t ever see her again? What if she disappears again and I never get to tell her everything I have in my heart. Who am I kidding, she has my heart. She has had it since I watched her walk into her uncle’s house all those months ago. But now it is awake again in my chest pounding for her. Eleanor.

I sat speechless while my family and Lilly ate pizza and talked as though nothing had just happened. I couldn’t eat or talk or think about anything but Eleanor. My family planned to stay the night at a hotel near the campus, take me to breakfast tomorrow and then head back home in the morning. I stood up from the table.

“I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said. Lilly winked at me and I kissed my Mom goodnight, walked away from the table and out into the crisp Virginia air to my destiny.

Sitting on this cold hard unforgiving bench across the bike path from the bookstore entrance, I was beginning to feel a little dubious. I didn’t think too much about this before rushing over here to confront her with a grand romantic gesture. But I am not a grand romantic guy and the cold setting into my ass and spine could have as much to do with my completely wavering confidence as it did with the chilly air. What if she hates me? I mean, really, if she wanted to talk to me or be with me or know me at all, why all the months of radio silence? Seriously, one hastily written post card with three words on it is hardly the foundation of undying love. What did she even mean by it anyway.

Park’s legs were stiff and his hands were cold. His cheeks were frozen, his back hurt, and he was beginning to question everything. Why did I come to UVA? Why is it so freaking cold here in September? Why didn’t I eat a slice of pizza for goodness sake? And then the lights went out in the bookstore and he saw her open the door, lock it and double check the lock.

Park stood up and couldn’t believe how stiff and uncomfortable he felt. He wasn’t sure it had anything to do with the weather. Eleanor was starting to walk away. His brain was still analyzing his choices and trying to come up with a plan, when his feet courageously took a step toward her. He tapped her shoulder and she spun around.

“Eleanor-”

ELEANOR

“Eleanor.” he breathes.

“Park.” I start-”Park.” I stand there staring into his eyes, seeing sad empty confused longing eyes. There is nothing of the warmth and kinship I remembered there. It was like looking into the depths of never-ending darkness combined, cold and tired, his breath visible in the unseasonably chilly night. Dark eyes and rosy pink cheeks. Conflicted. Unspeaking. Beautiful. “Park!”

“Eleanor, I-” Park started. His voice a miracle. His body warm and near. “I’ve thought for months what I would say to you if you ever picked up the phone or came back, or answered any of my letters or emails, and then I just thought you were never ever going to come back or answer me. Why didn’t you answer me? What are you doing here?” and then I pushed his body into me and melted into him and I kissed me. He kissed me back and the tumultuous day melted away from us. He was mine here with me right now and whatever might happen tomorrow or five minutes from now, I was happy being in this moment with Park. This feeling of joy right now might hold me through when it came to an end. But I felt in that space of love and closeness and joy that it wouldn’t end. That I had simply had to wait for it and Park would find me in the future, and save me again. This was us-perfect warm comfort. Park found me, and as long as I was alive, this moment would never end. He held me slightly away from him and looked at me, relieved and smiling. Then he moved in closer to me again and his perfect lips pressed softly against mine sending a familiar warm drift over my body. I had been saved but lost without him, and now here with Park’s cold, chapped, beautiful lips against mine, I am here, I am home.

TO BE CONTINUED…

#eleanor and park #rainbow rowell #fanfiction

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mcrmadness · 7 years

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This is why I rarely bake: I just hate those fractional commons! Like how hard can it be to think, it should be very logical but for some reason it has never really worked for me! I loved math at school from 7th grade to 9th grade but that’s because we had lots of equations which was basically just about logic and order and “calculating” with letters and small numbers so basically, no calculating at all. But when we get to the actual numbers, I just have no clue. I don’t know if it’s the fact we all have calculators in our pockets nowadays so we don’t really need to count ot if I’ve never just been good at maths unless it was maths without numbers. But I just cannot think of these simple calculations, I just lose everything in my head when I try. And I usually end up calculating something and I get an answer and be like HOORAY I ACTUALLY SOLVED IT and then I start to think about it and I have no clue what that answers to actually.

Right now I just would like to make brownies but I want to replace wheat with something else because I try to avoid those unhealthy white flours because all that sugar makes my body feel horrible and yet I just love everything sweet so I gotta eat something sugary and try to make that healthy as possible.

For example, I’ve started to like soy flour over wheat and you have to use 1 1/4 dl soy for 1dl wheat. Then I had this other recipe which had 1,5dl wheat. And I’m here trying to solve what’s that in soy, what’s 1 1/4 divided in half and I just can’t. I write it to google and get an answer but can’t trust it being the actual answer because I can’t calculate that myself. I think I need to change that into decimals instead, maybe I’ll get that better. But fractions, I never really learned those.

I just don’t get it, I feel like I’ve become stupid. Like more stupid than I used to be. And tbh I was never stupid, like I was, if you can say like this, more intelligent than most of the kids at my age. I learned things very early and usually behind my parents’ backs so I just came up with something, like a knot, and no one knew where I had learned that. I guess I just learnt things accidentally and remembered them.

I’m not sure is it possible but I feel like after those 5 years of antidepressants, my brains would have, like, athrophied. And all I’m left with is my reduced anxiety and fears. I used to be very vivid kid with lots of imagination and I was creative, I loved writing stories and drawing. I often drew and told a story about my drawing while drawing it. Where’s all that now? I don’t know. I noticed this already when I was eating my antidperessants and that was the biggest reason to stop eating them. I could not think nor draw nor write, well I wrote fanfiction and drew but very rarely; but my concentration skills were the worst. I could not keep doing things. Also I was very numb, I got excited super fast and bored even faster. In the end I started nothing because I felt like I’m gonna get bored with it anyway. I slept A LOT and still I was tired all the time. It was like having an ADD and depression at the same time but just without the melancholy thing.

I’ve soon been 4 years without antidepressants. The first weeks when I stopped were the best ever. I had emotions finally and things felt something for the first time in years. I was happy and life was awesome. Like, you would expect the depression symptoms to hit in but for me it was the opposite. THEN the depression symptoms came in which I call more of the withdrawal symptoms. Like not the ones with the first weeks with all those “electric spasms” and stuff, but those who lasted for years because my brains had to do the job now. They were on vacation while the meds took care of everything. My anxiety came back, I was obsessed with death, not suicidal but just the wonder or it, the existential crisis and my derealization was the worst. I tried meditation but it just made my derealization even worse because everything I did not see, stopped existing and I was so obsessed with the idea of this moment that I started to question my own memories because I did not see them RIGHT NOW, what if they never existed in the first place? What if I was making up everything that was not this moment? I was so afraid of myself, I was not feeling alive, I was afraid I’d kill myself by accident because I’d think to myself “it’s not real” and then there would be no coming back. What if I cause a car accident just to know what it feels like, because “nothing is real after all”? I was afraid of my favorite band because I was so afraid they would stop making music, that I got so paranoid that I could not come even close to Tumblr so I would not see any news of them. It was like living in a video game but still knowing that if you die now, that’s when you lose your last life and have to start over from the beiggining. Except there was no new beginning with that save. Ever.

So I still have anxiety but I’ve accepted that and it’s part of me. I’m highly sensitive person aka hsp and I’m accepted that, that’s who I am and that’s what makes me “special”. However there’s still things that keep me from living my life to the fullest and the biggest of these are my constant depersonalization/possible body dysmorphia and that I just don’t feel the way I look. And I have no clue what I should look like. Probably nothing, I probably don’t exist. So I do escapism. I hate this reality, I hate the society, I hate how you need money in order to be free. I want to enjoy my life but how could you if everything you want costs money? I can’t travel, I rarely can fucking live! I don’t want to have a job, I don’t want to be married for a job! I want to be able to go and come as I like, I want to be able to vanish from the world when I feel like I need my own time, I hate it that I need to exist to the world 24/7 when I don’t exist even for myself that often if ever. I can’t see me getting old, I’m so afraid of dying, I want to live forever, I don’t want to live forever, I want to see everything, I don’t want to go anywhere because of my anxiety, I want things that are not real or from this world. I keep studying and having dreams but in the end I just would like to move to the moon and keep playing video games and stop existing, become virtual and never die. I think the fact I have to have a body in order to stay alive is the most annoying fact ever. At least give me a body that does not age and that I can change the shape of at will! But that does not exist so I go back to my video games and movies and tv and pretend this world and reality does not exist.

#derealisation #trigger warning: thought about death #depersonalisation #i hate this world #misanthropy I guess #personal #me

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