#tmi but this is the first time I’ve had a period in like five years and it turns out I took that for granted lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ninjanonymous · 4 years

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I’m pissed off, and sad, and scared, and I have a lot to say right now. This all needs to be said, for my own sake if not for anyone else’s.

Very recently, the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers under the Affordable Care Act are now allowed to roll back access to birth control for their employees, as long as their religion disagrees with it. This ruling was made in the name of religious tyranny, and NOT that of religious freedom. Christian-run businesses can now force their beliefs onto their employees by actively denying them the healthcare that they very much need.

Can you imagine the outrage there would be if SCOTUS decided that it was suddenly okay for a Muslim-run business to break FLSA standards during Ramadan? After all, if a Christian-run business shouldn’t be forced to pay for all ACA-protected aspects of an employee’s healthcare, why should a Muslim-run business have to sacrifice profits when eating lunch during Ramadan is against their religion?

“Oh, but there are federal protections to keep something like that from happening.” Are there? Are there really? The ACA gave employees FEDERALLY PROTECTED access to birth control through their employers, because an employer’s religious beliefs shouldn’t be used to control the freedoms or hurt the wellbeing of others. Now look where we are.

This court ruling essentially dictates that religion can make you exempt from federally-mandated rules for the sake of profit. It puts the employer’s beliefs above the beliefs and wellbeing of their employees. It puts any company’s self-proclaimed God over the law, and allows them to forgo worker protections because, according to them, it’s what Jesus would want.

And where do we draw the line? Should a company that’s run by a Jehovah’s Witness be allowed to deny coverage for a needed blood transfusion? Can a religious company claim that any illness is a righteous punishment from God, and the use of modern medicine to treat it would be sinful? What would that mean for something as devastatingly expensive as cancer treatment? What if the CEO doesn’t agree with vaccines? And really, why even stop at access to healthcare when there are any number of ways that a company could encroach on their worker’s rights in the name of God?

Too many people in this country are entirely dependent on their employers for their health insurance. Healthcare costs in America are the highest in the western world by far, and life-saving treatment is often prohibitively expensive without it. This SCOTUS decision may ultimately deny many Americans their constitutional right to life.

Employers pay private insurance companies to provide care for their employees. This is a blanket expense. They don’t get an itemized bill for the healthcare that they’re covering. They’re paying for general healthcare coverage to be provided by insurance company, and that’s it. The employers are not the insurance companies themselves. They are not the ones processing the claims and choosing which to deny and which to cover. Your medical record is private, protected information. Your employer does not have access to that information under HIPAA. If your employer isn’t allowed in the room with you during your doctor’s appointment, they absolutely shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose what care you can and can’t receive.

These companies are literally just saying, “see that person right there? I don’t like that they’re on birth control, because I’M a Christian, and that’s against MY beliefs, so now THEY can’t have it.” A Christian forcing their beliefs onto someone else isn’t religious freedom, just like a Muslim forcing their beliefs onto a Christian wouldn’t be. This is religious tyranny the and Christian-backed persecution of women.

And for this specific ruling, it really is that arbitrary. This ruling is a poorly-disguised move to further strip away the rights of women in the name of Abrahamic theocracy. The idea that this decision would save money for these employers is completely asinine, considering good reproductive healthcare and access to birth control reduces long-term costs overall (I will be adding the stats and sources to back this up in a later post).

And here’s an important reminder for you all: reproductive healthcare is still basic healthcare. Taking care of one’s needs regarding their reproductive system benefits their overall health. And even if you disagree with me there, “birth control” is a pretty damn big misnomer. While it is commonly used to prevent unwanted pregnancies, there are a myriad of other reasons that a woman might need it for.

Birth control can control hormonal acne. My own mother was put on it for this reason back when she was a teenager.

It can be used to help regulate one’s mood. A dear friend of mine is on it for this reason. She suffers from severe depression, occasionally to the point of suicidal ideation. I am fucking terrified about what this court decision could mean for her.

It reduces one’s chances of getting uterine cancer. I have a family history of uterine cancer, and it can be hard to detect. They only found it in my grandmother by chance when they were performing an unrelated surgery.

It reduces your chances of forming ovarian cysts. Women with PCOS often suffer from these, and they can be quite painful. My mother had to have a football-sized ovarian cyst removed from her abdomen, and histology found that it contained pre-cancerous cells.

It can relieve symptoms of PMS and PMDD. Again, this is a form of hormonal mood regulation, as well as a means of controlling many of the unfortunate physical side effects of the menstrual cycle. PMS and PMDD are often topics of ridicule, but their symptoms can have a serious negative impact on one’s day-to-day life. I’ll add more information on this later, since there’s a lot to cover.

It can help regulate one’s menstrual cycle. For reasons I shouldn’t have to explain, knowing when blood and viscera is going to start pouring out of your crotch really helps with being prepared to deal with it. It also helps to avoid really embarrassing situations in public, or the need to clean bloodstains out of clothes and furniture. Irregular periods are a gruesome guessing game. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go back.

It can make your periods less painful. Periods happen when, once a month, the uterus sheds its inner lining. As in, the person having their period is bleeding internally, because one of their organs is shredding and expelling parts of itself from the inside. That shit hurts. Many women have reported vomiting or passing out from period pain. For me, the average period cramp can be compared to really bad gas or diarrhea pain. You know, the kind that has you breaking out into cold sweats on the toilet while you silently beg for mercy to any god that might be listening. Fun, right? I’d recon my pain level is about the average, too.

It can be used to manage menstrual migraines. Did you know some women get migraines in conjunction with their periods? Migraines are debilitating. Imagine having them chronically, getting them frequently around the same time every month, then being denied affordable access to the one medicine that was keeping it in check because your asshole boss says that Jesus wants you to suffer. Bonus points if you get fired because the migraines had a negative impact on your ability to work.

It can reduce your risk of anemia. Some women get really heavy periods. Like, crazy heavy, to the point where they bleed so much that it’s unhealthy. Technically speaking, I fall into this camp. I’d hemorrhage to the point of needing a transfusion if I went long enough without birth control. Gee, I sure hope the insurance-throttling company that I work for isn’t run by a Jehovah’s Witness.

Birth control is the only non-invasive way to control uterine fibroids, which often go hand-in-hand with endometriosis. These are non-cancerous growths within or around the uterus can cause uncontrolled bleeding, and may be quite painful in and of themselves. A ridiculously high number of women have this, myself included. Most women that have them have no or very few symptoms. I was not so lucky.

And that’s just a few of birth control’s many uses. And actually, let me talk about my fibroids some more for a second, just so you all have a better idea of what it means to live with this shit. TMI time. I take birth control. I’ve been taking it regularly for about five years now. I’ve never had sex before, and I don’t plan on it any time soon. This is the one and only reason I’m on the pill.

Five years ago, during my freshman year of college, I started bleeding out of the blue. Really, really badly. This “spotting” was sudden, and heavy, and unrelenting. I’d completely bleed through a super tampon in less than two hours, when one of those would last a good eight hours on my heaviest day during a normal period. I had to sleep with towels on the bed, and set an alarm to wake up early so I could take deal with the shed blood before it got too bad, and to give myself extra time for cleanup before classes. After going from horizontal to vertical for the first time in several hours, getting to the bathroom was a race against time and gravity.

I lived like this for a full month. Tampons and pads, for those of you that have had the privilege of never needing to buy them, can get really pricey. Doubly so for a broke college student, triply so when they need to be extra-large packs containing extra-large products, and quadruple-y so when that broke college student is still managing to bleed through those products at an absurd rate. And, it hurt. The pain was worse than usual; the camps were sharper, more persistent, and sometimes it felt like someone was jabbing a big needle into my abdomen and twisting it around. I was taking OTC painkillers constantly, and they barely made a dent in the pain.

The bleeding started just over a week after my last period had ended, so it was way too early for it to be my next cycle. I figured that maybe my cycle was syncing up to my roommate, or some other chick on my floor had some weird hormonal imbalance, and the outside interference from other people’s hormones was screwing with me enough to make my own body act weird. I figured I’d just have to wait out this one bad period, and everything would settle back down to normal. But, two weeks passed and absolutely nothing changed. The bleeding wasn’t slowing down, and I started to get worried that it wasn’t just an abnormal period. I waited a couple more days, then booked an appointment at the health center. It was more than a week until they could see me.

The consensus was fibroids. They couldn’t give me an official diagnosis without an ultrasound, but all signs pointed to that one conclusion. They said that the only way to make the bleeding stop was by taking birth control. I wasn’t happy about it, since my mom had me convinced that birth control would actually increase my risk of cancer (not true, as I later found out), but I agreed anyway. The nightmare was over a few days later.

So, off topic but still related, I had surgery on my foot a couple months ago. It had to be immobilized for a while, and I was put on blood thinners to prevent any clots from forming while I recovered. Birth control pills can actually increase the risk of blood clots, so I made the choice to hold off on taking those for a while, just as an added precaution. Sure enough, only five days later, the bleeding and the pain was back. Again, it had been only a week since my last period.

I still need to be on birth control. It is a medical necessity for me. My fibroids are still around, and I’ll still spot and cramp up if I miss a pill. I’ve recently been told by my doctor that a permanent fix, and my only other option for treatment, is a hysterectomy. I am 22 years old. Most surgeons would never dream about performing that procedure on me, even if it didn’t already come with its own health risks.

And hell, even if it is used just to prevent pregnancies, what gives someone else the right to deny a woman her bodily autonomy? Human beings are sexual creatures. They’re going to fuck, regardless of whatever laws or religious doctrines are involved. We are quite literally built to have sex, and it’s entirely healthy to do so. There are plenty of peer-reviewed studies that go into detail on the matter; just hop onto Google Scholar and see for yourself. And, maybe, preventing pregnancy is a need in and of itself. What if a woman has a condition that would make pregnancy extremely high-risk? Is she not justified in taking birth control to protect herself from grievous injury? If she’s married to a man, does that married couple not have a right to sleep together without fear of one of them literally dying for it? Even by Christian standards, it doesn’t seem right.

This decision that the Supreme Court has made is utterly shameful, and countless law-abiding American citizens will now be denied access to needed care that they otherwise couldn’t afford without insurance coverage. This is truly a loss for America and her people, and one that will cause suffering for decades to come.

#long post #text #my thoughts #scotus #politics #feminism #fuck republicans #fuck conservatives #and fuck the evangelical right #religion #christianity #america #2020 #sorry if i’m not the best writer #fuck #theocracy #angry #fibroids #birth control

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rkwon · 4 years

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DE:CODE IS LIVE: HAPPY MILO DAY! 🎉 JULY 17TH, 2020 • 43 MINUTES

he isn’t sure what’s worse — the nagging guilt and greed that both a fanmeeting and a vlive for a forgettable recently-debuted idol is far too much, or the small yet persistent voice in the back of his head that tells him no one will show up, that anyone who does is just waiting for him to do something stupid. the little live icon mocks him as he shuffles in his seat, leans in closer to see the details of the livestream. the viewer count jumps from zero, to a hundred and beyond, but what he’s most concerned about is the speed the comments move and how small they are. he retreats, resting his back straight against the back of the chair and pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his palms before he waves.

“hello,” he greets, quiet and shy. his cheeks are a soft pink and it’s likely the tips of his ears are, too, though conveniently hidden by his overgrowing, curled hair. “I’m de:code’s milo. ah, force of habit. my name is in the live title, right?” his laugh is airy. “it’s my birthday today.” he continues, letting the any and every thought that comes to mind roll off his tongue. “thank you for all the well wishes! I saw some of the comments on social media— well, I saw lots of cake emojis. this is the first year I haven’t gotten to eat mum’s cake on my birthday. ming— magnus’ mum always bakes each of us a cake on our birthdays, but I was so busy today that I couldn’t go home.” he sits forward once more to read what he can of the fast-paced comments. “oh! don’t worry, don’t worry. we’re going home over the weekend to see his parents, so we’ll have cake then! I’ll bring slices home to the dorms for all the members.”

he pauses to read again, clearly struggling even when he moves closer. he’s long-sighted, but the font is so small that it’s hard to see regardless. “did the members get me anything?” he reads with a tilt of the head. growing up, won rarely received presents on his birthdays. sometimes he’d get a little cash from his parents, or a hand-me-down, until he met mingyu and thus began the traditions of spending as much of the day with the kims as possible. though he still doesn’t think too much of material gifts, he cherishes the thought each of them have always put into choosing something for him — either for its sentimental value, love and effort put into creating them, or relevancy to his interests. he chuckles to himself as he remembers the time mingyu bought him two bottles of coca-cola knowing he had been craving it but unable to afford any. “so far, a.c’s gift is top of the ranking. when I woke up for practice this morning, he gave me the biggest hug before I could even make it to the bathroom to start getting ready. I think it’s going to be tough to beat cute cuddles from our youngest.” he teases, concentrating so hard on reading once again that his phone vibrating on the table just out of frame startles him.

he glances down to check, unable to hold back a grin. his eyes trail back to the camera, lips pursed, then to his phone as he picks it up. “magnus just texted me. he’s watching from the dorms; everyone say hi!” he waves. “he’s nagging me. he’s telling me to put my glasses on, but I don’t have them with me...” a pout tugs at his bottom lip. “I’m long-sighted!” he answers when he spots the question before it scrolls off screen. “ah, he text again. he asked me where they are. ah... I think I left them on the bedside table. it’s fine, though! I can manage; I can see! I always take them off to sleep so they don’t get broken— but then I forgot to pick them up before I left earlier. this is my tmi for the day.” he laughs, leaning forward again. a few notes about wanting something more interesting for his tmi catching his eye. honestly, he isn’t really sure what constitutes a tmi in the first place — he’d just heard it around on other idols’ vlives and broadcasts. still reading, he hums to the beat of another buzz of his phone. “ah, he’s good to me. magnus is coming to deliver them!” he sucks in a deep breath, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, his elbow propped on the table.

“oppa, why do you look so good? hyung, what should i eat to look like you?” he reads, chuckling loudly until his nose starts to crinkle. “cheetos.” he answers simply, still eyeing the comments. “they’re my favourite snack. I would always try to save up my allowance and treat myself to a bag when I could.” more messages flood in about which flavours, about other snacks he enjoys and what his favourite food is, but won catches one about his voice that makes his cheeks flush so bright that he instinctively leans back in the hopes that it becomes less noticeable. “to the person who said they loved my voice and that it was one of their favourites, thank you! that’s an honour... just in de:code, we have so many talented vocalists. I’m happy that you enjoy my singing. or is it my talking voice?” he all but giggles. “I’ve been told since my early teens that I have a really deep voice. I might get in trouble with him for telling you this but I always thought it was just in comparison to mingyu — his voice dropped after mine even though he’s a little older. I thought my voice can’t be that deep, but it really was all that time.” he hums, noticing a surprised question. “mhmm! I used to be taller, but now mingyu has a few centimetres on me. a lot of the de:code members are either very tall or very short. even though I’m tall, almost everyone around me my whole life has been taller than me. mingyu’s step dad is taller than me, too. I’m not tall enough! I want a couple more centimetres but I think it’s too late for me now...” he pouts once more, but it doesn’t last long. “did it hurt when you fell from the sky? did it hurt when you did?” his counter is embarrassing but he’d have had that same red tint to his cheeks either way so why not?

i entered for the chance to come to your birthday fanmeeting but i didn't get chosen ): but i am glad you are doing a vlive and that i can still see you on your birthday. i hope that you've had a very enjoyable day, milo, i love you 😭 happy birthday!!

“ah, that comment disappeared before I could read it out loud, but I saw it! thank you! I’m sorry there wasn’t a chance for you to come to the fanmeeting; I’m glad I could do a vlive for anyone who couldn’t make it. I was really surprised, actually. I was... kind of worried no one would come.” he laughs now, but he almost hadn’t slept last night stressing about it. perhaps it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet that he’s really an idol — in one of the top five companies, no less. “you can thank magnus when he gets here for persuading me to do both the fanmeeting and this vlive. I really wanted to do the vlive especially, but I was worried I wouldn’t be very entertaining. are you having fun?” his grin is probably a little too hopeful, but his viewers at least humour him. “you are? that’s a relief. but... should we listen to the music? what songs are everyone listening to lately? I’ve been listening to ‘love is the way’ by red velvet a lot.” he begins to sing a little as he scrolls through the music player on his phone, periodically glancing back up to catch a few comments.

however, he squeaks when the door to the practice room clicks open suddenly.

“ah, my knight in shining armour!” he’s all sparkling eyes and wide grins as he looks at mingyu off camera, arms raising to grabby hands at the glasses case in his boyfriend’s hands. “my glasses! oh, how I’ve missed you.” it takes an embarrassing amount of force to prize open the case as mingyu busies himself taking off his jacket. he pushes the frame up his nose, blinks a few times to adjust to the change. “that’s so much better. gyu, come sit with me.” he pats the chair beside him he’d saved just in case anyone popped in. he suspects seonho will bounce in later ( literally ), though he had hoped mingyu would come to lend him a hand soon after he started, too. said jacket is draped over the back of won’s chair, though he doesn’t realise until he feels the weight of the fabric brush his arms. he barely has chance to turn around before mingyu’s arms hang around his shoulders, pulling him back towards his chest. they sway, left to right to left to right, to the rhythm of mingyu’s gentle “happy birthday to you”, won’s grin growing to crinkle not only the bridge of his nose but the corners of his eyes, too. he’s still in a daze when he gets a birthday kiss to the cheek, mingyu finally taking his seat.

“hello!”

dumbly, won replies, “hi,” then realises, “oh, you weren’t talking to me— that’s embarrassing. a-anyway, what were we talking about? oh! songs. what songs you’re listening to lately. what have you been listening to, gyu? ah, I don’t think all of you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven. you can tell us the truth, you know, we won’t tell anyone! it’ll be our little secret. shh.” once mingyu’s settled, he answers.

"if you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven, though, I would like to personally thank you... but also encourage you to take a break to listen to to you 2020 by teen top and o sole mio by per_se." won hums in agreement, turning back to the comments.

“someone else just said o sole mio, too.” he tries to point it out, but the message is long gone before he can even raise a finger. “you guys are so fast... there’s so many of you here.” there’s wonder in his voice, disbelief at the numbers displayed in the top left. are that many people really watching him sit around? and sending him that many hearts? he almost feels like crying. “I’m really bad with technology.” he admits, trying unsuccessfully to scroll back to some older messages before mingyu gently nudges his hand aside to take over. “our manager had to set up the live for me. he asked me what emojis I wanted in the title and I didn’t even know what to answer. I only know like, five emojis, and the cake one just makes me hungry.” he hums, patting his stomach once, then again for good measure. “what I mean is if I don’t see your comment, it’s probably a combination of bad eyesight and the speed the little feed moves, please don’t feel disheartened! keep sending it if I haven’t answered! w-wait, will they get banned for that? is it spam? word it differently each time!” he advises, though truthfully, he has no idea how it works.

eventually, he spots one he feels he has to address, even if he isn’t too sure how best to answer it. “do I have any tips for someone that wants to be an idol...” he reads. “I know it probably feels a little like a boring answer and a given, but hard work absolutely pays off. also, if you don’t pass an audition, it does not mean you didn’t work hard or aren’t talented; there’s so much more to it than that. the casting agents might be looking for something specific for a group already planned out, for example.” for a moment, he pauses, purses his lips as he tries to piece together the words he’s looking for. “I think you should always be yourself and make yourself proud. your time will come; the agent or company that sees your worth and potential is the one you want to work with, anyway, right? practice as much as you can, but practice healthily and enjoy it. if you’re not having fun, take a break. it’s important to pace yourself and be good to yourself. there were times before I went on the mgas where I didn’t dance for weeks because I wasn’t in the right head space, but when I came back to it, I wanted to put more into it because I enjoyed it again and missed it. don’t build a bad relationship with performing. do it because you love it. a-ah, I think I got a little off topic there. do you have anything to add, gyu?” he smiles at his boyfriend as he begins to speak.

“hm? oh... yeah! don't give up. I know that's probably irritating to hear after a while of trying as hard as you can, but I know how easy it can be to get disheartened. if it's really what you want, you can take a break if it'll help, but get back up and keep fighting for it. sometimes, doubt will make you think that it's pointless and that you should settle for something more ‘realistic’, and other people might urge you to, too, but don't listen to any of that. if you know in your heart that you can do it and it's truly what you want, don't let anyone or anything beat that dream out of you. you can do it!”

for a little while, they continue to answer questions he spots in the comments — ones they realistically can answer, anyway. too many people are asking about a comeback or upcoming plans and he’s almost certain they aren’t allowed to even hint at anything or face their company’s wrath. between telling everyone for the tenth time that he rooms with seonho and mingyu, his curiosity gets the better of him as he eyes the bag mingyu brought with him.

“what else did you bring?” subtlety hasn’t really ever been his forte. “you brought a whole bag with you just for my glasses?” his voice has dropped to a mumble, but it’s likely viewers can still hear him. the stream is the furthest from his mind as mingyu smiles and reaches for said bag, dragging it closer and as his hand delves inside, won’s neck cranes to see.

“stop trying to peek, it's supposed to be a surprise!” won huffs as mingyu laughs fondly. “I brought you a birthday snack, too, in case you were hungry. you're welcome.”

he should be embarrassed by the gasp that parts his lips but at the sight of cheetos ( and other snacks, but cheetos! ), his image is long forgotten. “ah, kim mingyu... once again my knight in shining armour.” he teases, fingers itching to tear open the top of the packet. “I haven’t had cheetos in a long time even though they’re my favourite.” he tells the camera. “I know earlier I said that to look like me you have to eat cheetos and that’s true, but I don’t know if any of you watched us on the mgas in season four but... I was very small. my height hasn’t changed; I’ve long since stopped growing.” he pouts shortly. “but I was very thin. I started working out with mingyu when we signed to royal and eventually some of the other trainees when I got more confident. these days I could bench press mingyu! I’m telling you! I had to stop eating cheetos, though, so you have to let me know if it was worth it; do I look good?” briefly, and embarrassingly, he flexes one arm, losing what little cool he had at mingyu’s over-dramatic ‘woah!’ and amused chuckle. “a-ah, n-no, don’t ask me to prove it. you just have to trust me!” he giggles, finally popping the first cheese puff into his mouth.

“I want to play a game, but I don’t know what we can play with everyone. someone suggested we watch videos of ourselves on youtube, but I don’t think I’m quite used to seeing my own face in public yet.” his laugh is gentle and his cheeks pink. “maybe next time. leave suggestions in the comments and we’ll prepare something next ti—”

his squeak gets caught in his throat when the door flies open, mingyu’s hand patting his back to help him catch his breath again. seonho’s bouncing over in all his glory, a shit-eating grin on his cute face. his arms wrap around his shoulders as mingyu’s had not too long ago and won can’t help but smile. “another very special guest.” the comments explode, ‘maknae on top’ filling the screen and won’s nose wrinkles in another laugh. he pulls mingyu’s chair closer and nudges his boyfriend to the side so that the three of them can fit across two seats, seonho settling in beside him to respond to comments with them. periodically, he offers the two cheetos, watching secretly with a hungry stomach as their hands dip into the bag.

he doesn’t realise quite how long they’ve been live until someone says they have to go to bed to get up early in the morning. his eyes widen at the forty minute timer on the display and with a small content sigh, he turns to each of the boys beside him. “I think it’s about time we rounded this live off, right? it’s getting late and everyone should be getting plenty of rest.” with waves and a chorus of ‘bye!’s and ‘sleep well!’s, mingyu and seonho are out of frame for won to say his final goodbye for the night.

he clears his throat, leaning in a little closer and adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “everyone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to spend my birthday with me, whether you came for five or forty minutes.” his smile is gentler than it has been the entire stream, his teeth just starting to show. honestly, he never believed today would go so well and he’s relieved that mingyu was able to persuade him to do it at all. he had been stubborn, stuck in his insecurities and worries, but he felt good now — like floating on a cloud high above the sky on a fair, lightly breezy day. “I’m so grateful for every second we spent together. I’ve had some really strange birthdays over the years,” he chuckles, “but this is definitely one I’ll never forget. it’s been an incredibly happy day; I hope you’ve all had just as wonderful of a time whatever it is you’ve been doing. plus, it’s friday! the weekend starts now, huh?” he purses his lips, then hums. “make sure to get lots of rest and stay healthy so we can keep meeting like this, okay? thank you again. goodnight, everyone! thank you for all the birthday wishes! bye bye!” he waves and waves for a good thirty seconds as the comments roll in to say goodnight in return. “a-ah, guys— how do I end it?” with a pair of laughs off camera, the live cuts off.

#tw: weight talk #vlive:de:code #wn.vlive #wn.royal #wn.dcd #wn.sched #wn.solo #( i have too many tags )#rkmg #rkseonho #( thank you for sending in questions!!! )#( the 'edit' is won when mingyu arrived and then again when he gave him cheetos LMAO )#( wc; 3268 )#( Finally done wow this is a Long One )

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sassylavellen · 4 years

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I want to know more about Mari! Tell us some things about her you haven't shared, what are some of her deep buried secrets? THE WORLD MUST KNOW! (if its alright with you, of course)

Three months late better than never, right?

I have gone through everything I’ve written and all the little trivia bits I’ve got for her to find stuff I haven’t shared before, and I did come up with a little list of facts. Some of these are a little on the TMI / NSFW side, so those will go under a cut just to be safe.

It’s also possible that some of these things have been shared before, but I’m re-including some of the more important ones to have a more comprehensive list.

Mari’s Early Life:

- She was born in 9:10 Dragon, in the city of Amaranthine. Her parents had fled Kirkwall while her mother Leandra was pregnant with her, after securing passage to Ferelden, they arrived in the city and had to stop while Leandra gave birth.

- She was named Marian after her great-grandmother on her mother’s side. Her middle name, Adrianna, came from her grandmother on her father’s side.

- In Lothering, her family had a farm on the outskirts.

- As a young child, she learned how to paint and how to play the violin.

- She had a close relationship with her sister Bethany, but a rocky relationship with her brother Carver.

- Mari frequently did odd jobs for the people of Lothering, mainly running deliveries and messages for other villagers. She was also frequently taking jobs from the Chanter’s Board, and had a reputation as the "Questing Woman Around Town.”

- She had two friends in Lothering, a boy named Daniel and a girl named River. At different points in her life, Mari had crushes on both of them. She was always too shy to admit it to either of them. Eventually Mari was heartbroken when the two of them began courting. She was so distraught that she joined the king’s army to fight at Ostigar.

Mari’s Kirkwall Life:

- While in Athenril’s employ, she broke three of her toes.

- After moving into the Hawke Estate, she taught herself how to play the lute.

- In my headcanon story, the events of DA2 as we know them didn’t quite happen the same way. The events themselves happened, but Varric’s story spread really far and most people believe his version of events. Varric’s story had Mari being more heroic and eager to fight when in reality she was much more pacifistic and would avoid fighting as much as possible.

- Her favorite outfit she had was a red dress. The same one I often draw her wearing based on this dress:

- Mari had a HUGE crush on Aveline, but respected that she was not interested in women.

Mari’s Post DA2 Life:

- In my headcanon timeline, the gap between act 2 and act 3 is only one year instead of three. This does make the gap between DA2 and DAI longer, but it gives Mari more time for her adventures in between games.

- In my story, Legacy happens immediately after the events of DA2. After Legacy, Mari began traveling solo. She did not keep in contact with any of her friends during this period of her life, and doesn’t like to talk about what it was like for her, so what is known during these couple years is limited.

- Sometime after DA2, Mari tracks down her family from her father’s side. She discovered that her father had a brother who lived in Markham. She eventually did find him and got to meet her uncle. She even got to meet her grandfather and five cousins she never knew she had.

- She reconnected with her childhood friend Daniel Rowan by chance in Markham. He owed money to a group of Carta bandits, and she paid a part of his debt for him. Daniel was so grateful that he offered to let Mari stay on his farm for however long she needed. Roughly a year later, the Carta came back, demanding even more money. Daniel again couldn’t pay and they killed him. Mari was also attacked but she killed them all. Because of the attack, she had to flee Markham and resume traveling again.

- It’s never clear how far Mari and Daniel’s relationship really went, some say she and him were engaged, other say they were married. The one fact that is known is that she had a daughter with him.

- Mari only discovered she was pregnant after Daniel was killed. She secretly returned to Kirkwall to have her child. The only people who knew she was there were Varric and Aveline.

Misc. Traits and Facts:

- Mari is 5 feet, 5 inches tall.

- Mari has her mother’s shape of face, but she has her father’s hair color, eye color, and nose shape.

- Out of the four archer OCs I have, Mari is the best archer.

- Mari is plus-sized. This does give her a slight disadvantage in combat as a rogue, which is why she prefer to use archery over daggers.

- She’s self conscious about the large size of her ears.

TMI / NSFW:

- She obviously didn’t do it around the house because of others who live in her home, but Mari would often spend her time in her bedroom nude.

- She didn’t lose her virginity until she was 28. She was not very knowledgeable of sex, even at that age and her first time ended with her running out of the room in embarrassment.

- She has a mole on her right breast.

#My OCs #Mari Hawke #reference

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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692

How old were you when you had your first crush? The first crush I had that wasn’t a celebrity or a teacher was when I was 12. If you're a girl, how old were you when you started your period? It was a month after I turned 10. By that time I was just entering Grade 4 and when we were asked who had already gotten theirs, only a handful of hands shot up haha. I was an early bird for sure. What is your worst period story? Pretty obvious TMI warning here. Happened last December. I was visiting a photo studio to test if they were going to be suitable for my college batch’s grad shoot and unfortunately my period started in the middle of the trip. Even more unfortunately the trip was all the way in fucking BINANGONAN, which meant I couldn’t have access to napkins for the entire drive. I had to cross my legs real tight to avoid any leakage but at the time we got to the studio, my crotch area was soaked nonetheless. I had to ask for napkins from the studio staff, but thank god they were the nicest people ever and didn’t hesitate to hand me one. Does anyone else know who your first crush was besides you? Gabie knows. I think she’s the only one who knows, but I also think Pia asked me at one point too, so maybe her as well. What was your most embarrassing moment? I have at least one everyday.

What are your worst cramps like? Leg cramps that wake me up at 4 AM, without a doubt. Those always end me in tears no matter how old I am. What is the most physically painful thing you have ever experienced? Either my foot infection back in ‘09 or the toothache I had a few months back. I had no idea a TOOTH could send me crying almost every night or wake me up in the middle of the night just from being so painful. Oh and the time I ripped my ear piercing off. What are you allergic to? I’m not allergic to anything... at least I haven’t encountered anything I turned out to be allergic to. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I’ve never seriously wanted to be a particular person, but I’ve found myself fantasizing about if I were richer. Have you ever been jealous of someone? Sure. Have you ever been jealous of a friend? Yeah. Just mostly high school stuff though, like the time Erk kept getting Gabie away from me and I got super fed up about it at one point that I stopped talking to Gab for like a month lmao. Do you feel shy around someone when you are first getting to know them? Yeah of course. Aren’t most of us? Do you feel shy around a crush? I get both shy and distant. What color hair did your first crush have? Black. Do you ever cry in public unwillingly, or are you able to hold it in? I’m able to hold it in because I hate making a scene. I just keep swallowing the lump in my throat and try to blink less. Do you throw up involuntarily when you have to, or can you swallow it down? I also can swallow it down as long as I have to. But if I really need to throw up I run to the nearest toilet. What's one near-embarrassing moment you had? Uhh idk. If I can tell something is going to be embarrassing I usually already feel pretty embarrassed about it, regardless if I’m saved from the embarrassment or not. Do you ever call yourself stupid? Yeah. Just yesterday BoJack Horseman’s “You’re a stupid piece of shit" kept replaying in my head all afternoon and evening. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? Katrina. She was my first and last. What's one weird habit you have? When I get my usual drink at Starbucks, my first sip has to be a long one and I usually savor it by closing my eyes and letting out a contented sigh haha. Only then can I start working. Are you more of an open or a private person? I’m a bit of both, if that makes sense? I keep my shit private when they aren’t being raised, but when someone asks me about them I have no problem being an open book. Do you wish you could be more open with others? No, I already am. Do you feel ashamed? Not permanently lmao, but I feel it every now and then. Do you get embarrassed easily? Yes. Do you have regrets? Some. Have you ever fallen asleep in class? Never. I feel like – aside from being disrespectful – it’s an embarrassing thing to happen, especially if you’re caught and get scolded for it, so I make it a point not to let it happen to me. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? [Big trigger warning: Domestic violence] The day my grandpa said sorry to each of us in the family for beating up my baby cousin in a drunken stupor. After that he left the house for the week, presumably out of shame, then he came back to ask for forgiveness from each of us. I was desensitized to all of the violence I’ve seen at that point, so my 9 year old self gave him a shrug. Is there anyone you hate? No, not hate. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I don’t plan on forgiving my deadbeat uncle or my brother anytime soon. List five of your biggest bullies. A lot of people bullied me for my name and looks when I was younger, but they’re all irrelevant in my life now and I’ve forgotten all of them save for two – Kaira (who’s my friend now) and Sophia (who I don’t like just as much as when I was 4). Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? I’ve fantasized about revenge but never plotted anything. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? Nope. ^If so, do you regret it, and did you apologize later? Have you ever had a friend crush (i.e., you really wanted to be their friend)? Yeah I remember being like this with Macy. She’s changed quite a bit these days and we don’t talk anymore, which I find sad considering what we’ve gone through in the last couple of years. What is the greatest longing of your heart? Money. The rest of my desires - happiness, contentment, the material things I want - comes after I have money lol. Who was your first love? Gabie. What was the last thing someone said that warmed your heart? Chesca said something very sweet to me and it was something I needed to hear, but explaining it would need too much background context so suffice it to say, she reassured me when I needed it most. Do you pray regularly? Nope. ^If so, to whom? Do you love Jesus? What church do you go to? I’m not religious but my mom is, and she drags the entire family to church every Sunday. That said we go to a specific parish within our area, because that’s what we’re a part of. What denomination is your church (if you go)? Catholic. What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? 2016. How old were you when the year changed to 2000? At exactly January 1? I was a year old, but I was turning 2 that year. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? Not really, but it certainly has felt like the end of the world these days. This is the kind of shit you only ever get to read about in textbooks, so it’s feeling a little surreal. Do you enjoy public speaking? If I’m prepared for it and/or I enjoy what it is I have to talk about. What food makes you gag? Pineapple, raisins, or ice cream with nuts. Who was your first celebrity crush? Ashley Tisdale when she was Maddie in Suite Life of Zack & Cody. I also lowkey liked the mom, hahaha. What show did you want to be on when you were younger? Hi-5 when I was extremely younger; the kiddie crowds looked so lit 😩 Hahaha but when I got a bit older, I wanted to be in Legends of the Hidden Temple or be one of the people splashed with slime at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Looking at my answer I could now tell I was definitely a Nickelodeon kid. What was your childhood dream? To be an astronaut, to be a wrestler, and to have a big house with a swimming pool. Did you ever fulfill your childhood dream? I have 0/3 achieved, but it’s okay. My wants have mostly changed. What is your dream now? I still want a big house with a pool for sure lmao, but I mostly just dream of having enough money all my life and never having to worry about finances or having to ask people. What is your passion? History has always been my biggest one. Are you living your dream? Not yet. Do you receive insults or compliments more? Compliments, but that’s because I don’t let myself thrive in an environment where I’d get insults more because yanno, self-care? Lol. What is unfair about your life? Bad past presidents and how it’s led our country to be in the miserable state it’s in today, whereas I have to see other countries flourish in their unbelievably competent governments and see how these countries have public parks, libraries, playgrounds, etc. I don’t know what I did in my past life to have to end up in the Philippines hahahahaha, but here we are today. What about your life would you change? I wish my dog can stay with me forever. Did you write love poems when you were younger? Nope. Who are you jealous of and why? I’m not really feeling jealousy at the moment. When someone hurts you, do you start to feel jealous of them? No? Why would that happen? Name five people you know who have everything handed to them. Idkkkkk. I don’t wanna namedrop anyone for something like this lol. Name one person you know who is spoiled rotten. Boomers? Name one person you know who seems stuck-up. I know someone but I’m not naming him on here lmao. Name a church that just wants money. All of them? LOL at least all the Catholic ones, I can’t speak for the other denominations. What is your least favorite chore? I really hate folding clothes. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yeah but like by a virus or something, not a person. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? Nah. But traffic enforcers have been incredibly rude to me before. Do you keep a diary? This one. What color is the diary you are currently using? It doesn’t really come with a color... Do you actually write "Dear Diary"? Only in the diaries I kept as a kid, because it’s what I saw in cartoons. When was the last time you wrote and sent someone a letter? December. I included a handwritten letter in my Christmas gifts for Gab. Do you write in cursive or print more? Print. Have you ever self-harmed? Duh.

#survey #surveys

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kvhottie · 5 years

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A love that’s like glowing tinder in a slow-building fire. It isn’t until Yuki and Nico become roommates that they realize that the signs were always there.

Rating: Explicit |Pairing: NicoYuki |Tags: Post-Canon, Living Together, Feelings Realization, Light smut

[Ao3]

________________

“Do you want to live together?”

Nico rushed through the question, not even offering Yuki a greeting when he picked up the phone. It made Yuki pause, mind loading for a brief second. The thought of them living together wasn’t displeasing. Over the last year they’d grown apart because Yuki had been working hard in his yearlong internship at the Legal Research and Training Institute and Nico was determined to actually graduate this time around. But they had shared drinks and dinner every few months in an attempt to keep their friendship as strong as their busy schedules would allow them. Nico was the closest he’s ever had to a true friend. Plus, Yuki was already looking for an apartment since he was done with his internship, and in turn his stay at the Institute’s dormitory. The timing was perfect. “Sure, let’s do it,” he nonchalantly replied, and the deal was sealed.

The first few weeks of living together were rocky—Yuki was particular, detailed-oriented, and pristine. Nico was, well, “clean enough” as he would call it. But with some practice Nico learned to pay a bit more attention to where he put grocery items in the fridge and to properly clean the bathroom sink when he finished shaving. And Yuki practiced not popping a blood vessel over every misaligned mug and the occasional sweater Nico left hanging over the back of the couch. It was all a work in progress. By the sixth month mark they were synchronized and living surprisingly well together. They took turns making dinner (though they scarified their stomachs more than a few times to get to this point of basic culinary skill) and shared each other’s company for early breakfast or very late dinner. With Yuki working as a rookie lawyer in the acclaimed TMI Associates Law Firm and Nico having landed a software development job with Panasonic, they both spent most of their time during the weekday at work. But the little bits of free time they had, like on the weekend and the few blessings of vacation, they spent it together doing a varied mix of activities. Running was one of the activities they did together most often. Though usually initiated by Nico, Yuki easily went along with his suggestion to do a leisurely Saturday and Sunday morning run. Neither had completely lost the fire for running they had gained (or rekindled in Nico’s case) under Haiji’s influence. It had died down to just a small, warm blaze present in their hearts, but it was there nonetheless—sparking a tiny, breathy smile during every run. They also passed their time sitting at their dinner table, chatting about work or anything interesting they’d heard from the news, and twisting those weird metal dolls Nico started making after he quit smoking. Yuki no longer made any profit from selling them online, but he started an Instagram account for them out of respect for the huge collection Nico had accumulated. The account had a loyal fifty-seven followers and was steadily rising. Apart from that, they each had their own pastimes. Nico’s were focused around being indoors with his laptop or TV, and Yuki’s consisted of going to the club or a concert. There was a brief period during the first few months of them living together that Yuki spent every other night giving Nico a sampling of his favorite electronica music. He even dragged Nico along with him to the club once—only for Nico to last a total of forty-five minutes before bailing. After that experience Nico drew the line at listening to Yuki’s music at home whenever he wanted to share it, but absolutely no clubs. And so Yuki continued attending the club alone, as he had always done. But there were nights that he’d return with someone else, mostly women, and a sprinkling of men. Since graduating university he had been introduced to an array of experiences, a majority of them pleasant, and had quickly learned that as long as he found the person attractive, he had no preference as to whom he was sleeping with. There was just one rule: he wanted no attachments and therefore would only sleep with a person once. He had no time or patience to deal with other people’s emotions. He barely had time to put up with his own. “The guy you brought yesterday was a jerk,” Nico commented offhandedly while they ate breakfast. Nico was generally indifferent to Yuki bringing strangers to the apartment. And it was only fair. They were splitting the rent equally and it was in Yuki’s right to do whatever he wanted in his own room. But still, Nico had never even once complained, neither about the frequency nor the mixed gender of his partners. Yet…recently, there was an expression that overcame Nico’s face every time Yuki brought someone home that Yuki couldn’t put his finger on. It was one he had never seen before, and had since burned into his mind. Some nights he’d even purposefully meet eyes with Nico when coming in the door with yet another stranger—just to see if he could catch a glimpse of that expression again. The look on Nico’s face at the moment was awfully similar. “Really?” Yuki replied in between bites of his sausage. “Did he say something rude to you?” Nico sighed and set his empty coffee mug down. “He bragged and babbled a bit too many details about you.” “That piece of shit…” Yuki muttered under his breath, only to shrug a moment after. “Well, I’m not surprised.” “The majority of people you sleep with are jerks.” Nico set his chopsticks down and met Yuki’s eyes. “Shouldn’t you be more wary of who you bring over?” Yuki narrowed his eyes and sucked his teeth, straightening his back. “I’m just fucking them, Nico. And I only see them once. I could care less about their personalities.” He picked up his mug to finish his coffee and took a few sips before continuing. “Anyway, it’s none of your business who I sleep with.” Nico blinked a few times and nodded, eyes and lips curving downward. “Okay, then.” Without another word he got up from their low table, washed his dishes, and headed back to his room to dress for work. Yuki stared down at his plate, half of his brain cells calling himself an asshole and the other half reassuring him that he hadn’t been that harsh. Nico normally took Yuki’s sass and threw it right back at him, but for some reason that didn’t happen this time. It’s not as if he was psychic and could predict when his sass was going to affect Nico or not. So it wasn’t his fault. But regardless of Yuki’s thoughts on the matter, for a week or so after that morning, Nico started mildly avoiding him. He’d still say good morning and respond when Yuki addressed him, but he all of a sudden was rushing out the door in the mornings without having breakfast, falling sleep before Yuki got home, or getting home after Yuki fell asleep. Yuki was fuming—the mere fact that Nico thought he wasn’t being blatantly obvious made his eye twitch. Since he first met Nico, Yuki had the uncanny ability to always tell when something was off with him, and he could never leave it alone. But he was stubborn, and confronting Nico on this matter would be like losing out in some sort of way. So he just let it continue, irritation simmering under his skin. ________________

The waitress brought Yuki and his coworker, Fumi, their second round of drinks. Yuki reached over for his whiskey highball, lips cracking into a smile as Fumi continued his rambling story. “And then the chief practically ate him alive. He was so livid that a senior lawyer would do such a stupid mistake,“ Fumi exclaimed, sitting back on his chair with a satisfied smile. “You’re working on the Tamaki case with the chief, right? He must be a hard-ass about everything.” “He’s not that bad. I actually enjoy how fastidious he is.” Fumi scoffed, “It’s because you’re just as anal. Did you know that the meticulous way you organize your pens has gained notoriety and people pass by your desk just to see it?” “I just like things to be neat.” Yuki shrugged, swirling the ice in his drink. “My life would be easier if more people around me functioned at this level but—“ Yuki’s stopped mid-sentence, eyes darting to his phone that had just buzzed and lit up with a message. He didn’t even have to unlock the phone to read the entirety of the text. From Nico: Do you think we should stop living together? But he unlocked his phone anyhow, wondering if there was more to the text—an explanation of some sort. There was nothing. So Yuki read the text message over a few more times, getting increasingly more upset and self-deprecating with each pass. Of course, it was only a matter of time until Nico got tired of him. He had been nothing but an understanding friend and roommate, and was just worried for him; yet Yuki chewed up his kindness and spit it back out with not even one apology to spare. He didn’t blame Nico. Even he’d get tired of himself. “Hey, Yuki!” Yuki looked up from his phone to Fumi fervently waving his hand at his face. “Oh. Yeah, sorry. I was just reading a text.” “You okay? You got all serious and then zoned out. I’ve been calling you for like a good minute.” “Well, if all of a sudden wanting to get smashed constitutes as fine,” Yuki waved down the waitressed, “then I am excellent.” It took about three more rounds. By the time the waitress hesitantly returned with the 6th round Yuki had demanded, the room was spinning. He had promised Fumi that this one for sure would be the last, but Fumi forced the drink out of his hand and chugged it, just so that it wouldn’t touch Yuki’s babbling lips. “Give me your phone,” he ordered, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “There’s no way you’re getting home alone in this state.” “No. I’ll be fine if I rest a bit,” Yuki slurred as he set his head on the table. “Just give me fifteen minutes…” The next time his eyes creaked open, he was being carried on a firm, wide back. It smelled of shampoo, strong coffee, and home. “Nico?” Yuki croaked, face lifting just enough off of Nico’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of his tussled hair. Nico gave a small chuckle that Yuki could feel against his chest. “We’re almost to the apartment, drunkard. You sound terrible.” “Sorry I’m useless.” Yuki murmured, burying his face into Nico’s neck. “You’re the farthest from that. I actually wish you’d be useless more often, maybe that way you’d rely on me a bit more.” “You’ve never mentioned that before.” “…There’s a lot I don’t tell you.” Yuki slid off Nico’s back the instant they were inside their apartment. He tripped climbing up from the entryway but Nico caught him before he planted face first. He insisted he was fine walking on his own and clumsily made his way to their kitchen to get himself a glass of water. Having forgotten where they stored the cups in his drunkenness, he opened each cabinet in search for one. “It’s your fault I’m drunk, you know,” he sputtered, pointing accusingly at the approaching Nico. ”How is it my fault?” Yuki finally found the right cabinet and grabbed a glass cup, stumbling over to the sink. “Your stupid text!” he yelled. “You sent me that stupid text and I was so angry that I got drunk. So it’s you’re fault.” He tried opening the sink faucet but was turning the nob the wrong way. Nico reached for the faucet nob to turn it on for him, “Here, let me—“ “No.” Yuki said sternly, shoving Nico’s hand away. He set his cup aside and gripped the edge of the sink. “I don’t need your help. So you’re free to move out whenever you want. I know that I’m horrible to live with and I’m always being rude to you. You should have told me much earlier that you’d gotten tired of me.” Nico took Yuki’s arm and swung him around, trapping him against the sink. He turned on the faucet and filled the glass cup halfway. Yuki watched him, eyes following his right hand until it was gently pushing the cup into Yuki’s left one. He held on to it, resting that hand on the sink ledge from fear of letting it fall in his clumsiness. “As if I could get tired of you,” he sighed, face a few centimeters from Yuki’s. Yuki slowly lifted his gaze to meet Nico’s. It was in this close distance that he could see how knitted his eyebrows were, and how much exhaustion and pain hid in his eyes. “Then what are you unhappy about? Out with it, you coward,” spat Yuki, voice a weird mix of agitated and desperate. Nico laughed through his nose, lips twisting up into a dumfounded grin. He leaned even closer until his mouth was by Yuki’s ear and their bodies were completely flush. “You’re lucky I’m a coward or I’d trouble you right about now.” The heat held between them made it hard for Yuki to swallow. He stood completely still, hair rising on end and heart pounding in his chest. “See?” Nico stepped back and turned around, waving a goodbye. “I’m heading to bed. You better hydrate yourself before you wake up with a killer hangover.” And he shuffled into his room. Yuki’s hand went a bit slack but he was now sobered up enough that he was able to catch the cup before it fell. Sure, there was water all over the floor, but that was better than broken glass. And it gave him something to focus his still-hazy thoughts on instead of what just happened with Nico. What had just happened? What was that, exactly? Yuki recalled Nico’s hot breath on his ear and the feeling of his stubble grazing his cheek. He shook his head, hand pushing the paper towel across the wet floor with more force. Nico was just a good friend. He’d never thought of him like this before, and he wasn’t planning on starting now—regardless of what the knots in his stomach were telling him. The next few weeks went by in a confused daze. As the Tamaki case ramped up, Yuki was working long hours on little sleep and too many cups of coffee. Yet, even with so much going on at work, his thoughts would still drift to Nico. Maybe it was because they were barely seeing each other lately, but every time they did get a chance to sit down for breakfast or dinner, Yuki couldn’t sit still. He was ultra-aware of every little thing Nico did. From the way he took his time savoring his food before he swallowed to his new habit of rubbing his stubble when thinking—Yuki’s mind archived it all. “Are you guys close to finishing the defense for the case that’s been keeping you so busy?” Nico asked, passing Yuki a just-washed plate to dry. Yuki’s eyes quickly flickered from Nico’s gaze to the plate he was drying. “Uh, yeah. We’ll be wrapping it up this week so my schedule should return back to normal for a while.” “That’s good. We haven’t been seeing much of each other lately…if I didn't know better I would have thought you were avoiding me.” “As if, “ Yuki choked out a scoff and set the plate to the side. Nico passed him a fork and their fingers grazed in the exchange, sending a shiver up Yuki’s arm. He dropped the fork—feeling utterly like a deer stuck in headlights. “Uh.” Nico chuckled and bent down to pick up the fork, placing it back in Yuki’s hand. “No need to be so jumpy. I haven’t even confessed yet,” he said tenderly. “Confessed…yet?” Yuki repeated, eyes increasingly getting wider as the words registered in his brain. “Wait, what?” Nico turned off the faucet, lips curled up into a smirk. “I said I haven’t even confessed yet. Did the faucet make it hard to hear me?” “I heard you loud and clear. I just don’t get what you’d need to confess,” Yuki stammered. Nico dried his hands with the towel hanging a few inches below their sink and turned his body completely toward Yuki. “I know you know what I mean. There’s no point in trying to act stupid when we both know you’re a genius.” “Yeah, I am, but that’s not the point!” Yuki slapped the fork onto the counter. “Since when? Why?” Nico shrugged, scratching the back of his neck. “If I think about it…it started really slowly, probably some time during your 4th year at Kansei.” “You’re lying.” “There’s no way I’d lie about something like this,” Nico grumbled. “Part of the reason I asked to live with you was because I was becoming aware of these feelings. Yuki folded his arms across his chest and looked down and to the side, voice growing quiet. “But it’s pointless.” Nico’s eyebrows furrowed and he took a step forward. “You may not think much of my feelings, but to me they aren’t pointless,” he growled. “That's—” Yuki hesitantly looked up, “That’s not what I meant. It’s just I don’t do feelings or relationships. You know that.” “Yeah, you’ve been saying that since we first met but here we are.” Nico sighed, “You’re just scared. You don’t want to have a deep relationship because you’re scared of getting hurt. Yet, you call me the coward?” “I don't want to ruin this,” Yuki argued, eyes now narrow and steady on Nico. “We have a very good friendship, one of the best I’ve ever had. I don’t see why that has to change.” “We can have both. You just need to have some faith, Yuki…” “Why? What’s so good about falling in love, anyway?!” Yuki barked, hands balling up into fists by his side. Nico laughed through his nose, not teasingly or out of real humor, but instead with some traces of defeat. He leaned back against the counter and stared straight forward at their fridge on the other side of the kitchen. “You asked me the same thing about running once. You’re asking questions whose answers you already know.” “That it makes you feel ‘clean’? I kind of understood that with running, but what—“ “That it makes me forget all my burdens.” Nico turned to Yuki with an expression full of sincerity—eyebrows knitted, eyes glossy, and lips slightly downturned. “That you make me forget absolutely everything until my thoughts are only of you, that pretty face, and the sound of your voice leaking through your room walls when someone’s making you feel good.” Yuki’s mouth opened and closed like a fish until he found his voice. “Forget that last part, idiot!” Nico’s lips broke into a wicked grin. “Never.”

________________

Nico was persistent in his flirtation: compliments whispered in the morning, sweet nothings said with a smug smile the middle of breakfast, and a burning stare during dinner. The last time Yuki had seen him this determined to succeed was when they were training for Hakone. No matter how much Yuki complained and defiantly ignored attempt after attempt, Nico refused to back down.

It was embarrassing. And it made it hard for Yuki to breathe. So, to get some clarity, Yuki did exactly what he scoffed at Nico that he wouldn’t do—he ran away. It was only for one night! He’d stay at his mother’s house on Friday and go back home sometime Saturday. It had been a while since he saw his mom and adorable little sister, so it’s not like he was visiting just to get some space from Nico.

After dinner, Yuki sat at the end of their living room couch with his little sitter on his lap. Despite having missed her first few years, she quickly grew attached to him and happily latched on whenever he visited. She was precious and sweet. It made him feel guilty for being such a bad brother up till now, but he vowed to make it up by spoiling her for the rest of his days. “You look like something’s on your mind,” his mother said as she sat down next to him with a cup of tea. Yuki sighed and wrapped his arms around his sister’s torso, hugging her closer as if she were a teddy bear. She giggled and continued to play with the doll in her hands. “I need your advice on something.” His mother fought back a smile and scooted closer to him. “Is it love troubles? I’m all ears.” “If, hypothetically, a person I’ve always thought as a friend wanted to have a romantic relationship with me and is chasing me, how do I make them stop?” His mother hummed in understanding, taking a sip of her tea before answering. “And you’re sure you can’t return their feelings?” “Uh, I mean…let’s say no.” “Then in that case, it’s pretty harsh but if it really bothers you, cut off all connection to that person.” “Wait.” Yuki turned his head to face his mother. “But they’re a friend. I still want to be friends with them.” “You can’t have it both ways, Yukihiko,” she said with a sigh. “It’d be stringing them along. If their affection really bothers you that much, then you have to properly reject them and put some space between you two.” “Oh.” He rested his chin on top of his sister’s head solemnly. His mom lightly laughed. “No need to sound so sad. If what I just said sounds harsh to you and makes you feel lonely, then maybe you don't dislike their attention as much as you’re acting like you do.” She reached over and petted his head. “You’ve always been bad at being honest with yourself and others.” He didn’t reply. After all, she was right. Yuki dragged his feet when it was time to leave his mother’s house Saturday evening. He didn’t want to see Nico…yet he did. But as he was pacing back and forth near the door of his mother’s apartment contemplating what to do next, his mother made the choice for him. She gathered his things, shoved them in his hands, and gently pushed him outside with words of encouragement. Yuki sulkily waved her and his sister goodbye and made his way home. To Nico: I’m on my way back From Nico: Good. I’m almost finished making dinner but I made too much To Nico: Too used to making for two people? From Nico: Yeah. So you have to promise to eat the extra amount I make forever. Yuki re-read that text a few times, but decided not to answer, locking his phone and setting it on his lap. Yet after two minutes of bouncing his leg and failing to distract his mind from thinking about it, he unlocked his phone and replied. To Nico: Lol, are you proposing to me? Your cooking is not good enough to do that yet From Nico: Don't worry. I’ll get better ^^ Yuki groaned, receiving weird stares from the train passengers around him, and rested his head against the subway car wall behind him. What was he doing flirting with Nico? He was supposed to be rejecting and putting space between them like his mother had said. Why was it so hard for him to just do that? When he entered their apartment Nico greeted him with a cheery “welcome back” and the table set with one of Yuki’s favorite dinners: hamburger steak. They ate peacefully, and aside from the random times their eyes met and the tension between them spiked, dinner generally went on without a hitch. After they finished eating and washed the dishes, they settled back down at their low table with a few cold beers and turned on the TV to a game show program they both enjoyed. Yuki cracked open the can and sipped on his beer, sometimes sneakily stealing a glance at Nico. If felt like they were tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. Yuki couldn’t sit still. “Did you go to your mom’s house yesterday because you’re running away from me?” Nico cut to the chase. Yuki choked on a bit of his beer, coughing. “As if. I just wanted to see how my cute little sister was doing.” “Okay.” Nico knocked back what was left of his can. “I mean if you were, I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been a bit much lately.” “Oh, it’s good you’re self aware,” Yuki snickered, setting down his can on the table. He slowly turned it in his hand. “…I asked my mom for advice on our situation.” Nico laughed through his nose and popped open a new can. “I didn’t know it was worrying you that much. What did she say?” Yuki put the can up to his lips and mumbled, “She said if it really bothered me so much I should properly reject you and put some space between us.” “And will you?” Nico questioned, leaning a bit closer from across the table. Yuki gulped down the rest of his can and shook his head, eyes flickering over to Nico’s unrelenting gaze. “No…I don’t want to.” “Then, let’s have a contest,” Nico replied, mouth rounding up at the corners. He crawled over to Yuki’s side of the table and plopped down right in front of him. “If you can sit there without flinching while I kiss you, then you win. I’ll stop chasing you and this relationship will go back to being whatever you want it to be. But if you do flinch, you have to give me a chance.” “O-Okay, it’s not like a little kiss will make me flinch,” Yuki exclaimed with a puffed chest. He set his empty can down and closed his eyes. “Bring it on!” Nico chuckled briefly and then grew very quiet. Yuki could feel his breath ghosting on his lips and a big warm hand smoothing over his cheek. His heart pounded loudly in his ears in anticipating and he wanted to take a deep breath to let out all the tension building up in his chest, but he sat hesitantly still. Nico’s lips were surprisingly soft for a guy who seemed to never care to use lip balm, and they moved slowly against Yuki’s. It felt…right. Nico’s tongue teased Yuki’s lips and Yuki parted them, meeting Nico’s hot tongue with his own. Nico slid his hand to Yuki’s right ear, softly running his fingers from the top to the bottom and caressing the pieced, earring-less lobe between his fingers. Yuki melted into the touch, a shudder running down his spine and he pushed Nico away, face flushed with realization. “You said kiss, touching is not fair,” he hissed. Nico arched his eyebrow and maintained his close distance to Yuki. “I never said I wasn’t going to touch you…and you complain, but you don't actually dislike it.” “Shut up,” Yuki muttered, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “It’s a shame you rarely put on your earring anymore. Your ear looks lonely.” Yuki quickly covered his right ear, eyebrows furrowed. “Stop looking at me like that.” “Like what?” Nico teased, feigning innocence. “…like you want to eat me.” “If I ask nicely, would you let me?” Nico pulled Yuki’s hand away from his mouth and intertwined their fingers. “After all, I won our bet.” “That hardly counts,” Yuki sneered, pushing his glasses back up with his free hand. He bit his bottom lip as if wanting to stop himself from speaking but not being able to help it. “I’ll give you this chance. If we have good chemistry, then we’ll talk about what comes after.” “Well, I better impress you then,” Nico said cheerfully as he got up and pulled Yuki up along with him. They walked hand in hand to Nico’s room. If it weren’t for Nico’s strong grip on his hand, Yuki would have contemplated running away. But he couldn’t afford spending even a second on that thought because once the room door shut behind them and Nico’s dark, desire-filled eyes absorbed him in their gaze, he was sure he wanted this. Maybe he’d had wanted this for a lot longer than he could admit. Nico took Yuki’s mouth with a rekindled fervor, rough hands cupping his chin and digging fingers into hips as he walked him backward to his bed. They kissed with as much curiosity as there was desperation—fingers tugging at pants and shirts and bated pauses to share hazy gazes. They lowered themselves onto the bed as they flung off their underwear, leaving themselves completely naked in the dim glow of the moonlight trickling in from Nico’s window. Yuki lay on his back, elbows propping him up to fully take in the sight that was the naked Nico towering over him. His tan, muscular body he never took any pride in despite how easily it carried Yuki and how good he looked without clothes. His handsome face, strong jawline, and those eyes, usually so calm and laidback, that were now sharp with wanting and solely focused on Yuki. It all made Yuki tremble with excitement. “Are you just going to kneel there and stare at me for the next hour?” Nico laughed through his nose and slotted himself between Yuki’s legs, bending down to kiss Yuki’s nape and whisper against his jawline. “I just wanted to take in the view. You look really good.” “You look pretty hot yourself,” Yuki replied, hands now measuredly running down Nico’s stomach with a destination in mind. Nico grabbed Yuki’s hand and pinned it above his head, “No you don’t. Knowing you, I bet you’re used to getting your way, aren’t you?” “More or less,” Yuki replied with a smug grin. “Well, not today,” Nico murmured as he sucked hard on the skin right below Yuki’s ear, rough hands smoothing down across Yuki’s chest. He gently pushed him down so he was off his elbows and fully lying on the bed. “I’m going to spoil you so painstakingly slowly you’re going to begging me by the end.” “Oh, as if I’d beg so easily,” Yuki retorted. Though he tried to sound confident, his breath was already a bit labored and he trembled eagerly against Nico’s touch. He wasn’t making a great case for himself. And, unfortunately for Yuki, Nico wasn’t joking when he said slowly, very hard stress on the painstakingly. Though his hands ventured lower, flicking and petting as they traveled, his lips were on a mission to touch every inch of Yuki’s body. They trailed kisses across his shoulder, nipping and sucking his collarbones, and moving down his chest. He gave tender care to Yuki’s nipples, taking each bud into his mouth and rolling them between his fingers repeatedly. He was so agonizingly kind and loving in his touching. It made Yuki ache both in heart and body. Nico trailed kisses and little bites down Yuki’s stomach and to the dip of his inner thigh. He stayed there for a moment, tongue tracing the curve of it, and sucking bright red spots into the tender skin. Nico would kiss closer to where Yuki wanted his attention, only to switch to his other thigh. Yuki’s body quivered from the teasing, legs spreading but at the same time wanting to wrap him closer. “Fucking sadist,” Yuki growled, his voice giving out into a gasp when Nico bit into his inner thigh with particular vigor. “Just a bit. I’m surprised at how much I enjoy seeing you writhing because of me.” Nico came up to give Yuki a chaste kiss on the lips and to reach over into the first drawer of his nightstand, pulling out a small bottle of lube. “Now for even more fun.” Delivering on his promise, Nico played with Yuki until he couldn’t control his trembling. Every inch of his skin had felt Nico’s searing lips and hands, and had been played with mercilessly. Speckled with red hickies from head to toe, head knocked back against the pillow with small groans and whimpers leaking out of his mouth, Yuki rocked against the long fingers that worked into him. They felt so good, filling him up and rubbing the places he loved, but he desperately wanted more. “Nico, fuck,” he moaned, teeth sinking into his bottom lip to preserve some of his pride. He had already lost one time tonight; he didn’t want to lose a second. “All you have to do is say please,” Nico encouraged, his breathing low and heavy. Yuki could tell that he was also on the edge. Yuki opened his eyes, now clouded over with bliss, and met Nico’s gaze as best he could through his fogged up glasses. “Nico, I want to come,” he managed, making it sound like a command through sheer will power. Nico hummed and pulled his fingers out. He grabbed Yuki’s hips and scooted him closer, barely pressing even an inch into him. “That’s not begging.” “Ah,” Yuki gasped, legs wrapping around Nico to bring him in closer. He grabbed onto Nico’s bicep and pulled him down, hands moving to dig fingers into his back. “I swear I’ll murder you in your sleep…Akihiro,” he panted against Nico’s ear. “Yeah,” Nico grunted, hips pushing deep into Yuki in one motion. “That’s definitely worth dying over.” Their pace was hard and quick once Nico started. Yet even while losing themselves completely to the pleasure, Nico still made sure to kiss Yuki’s temple and whisper words he surely knew Yuki would not dare repeat. Somewhere in the daze, Yuki heard him, and like his words had so many times before, they moved something in him. And he hid his burning face further into the crook of Nico’s neck and buried his hand into Nico’s hair until and long after they had climaxed.

The next morning when Yuki’s eyes groggily peeled open, he was still in Nico’s bed. At one point Nico had cleaned them off and taken off his glasses—not that Yuki could remember anything that happened after he’d come down from the sex high. “Good morning,” Nico whispered and carefully placed Yuki’s glasses on him. He was propped up on an elbow, laying on his side and looking down at Yuki with the eyes of a completely satisfied man. “You’re dangerous,” Yuki grumbled as he sat up, voice completely ragged. “You totally mess up my rhythm and do whatever you want with me, but don’t even feel a shred of guilt the next day.” “But we did have chemistry,” Nico pointed out, lips curled up in that irritatingly wicked smile of his. “How was I?” Yuki shot him a glare and shuffled to the edge of the bed, his back to Nico. “You were great.” “Does that mean that you’re willing to try going out with me?” Nico’s voice was devoid of all humor—soft, and sincere. “...” Yuki got up to grab his black briefs from the corner of the room and pulled them on. He turned his body toward Nico, eyes hesitantly coming up to meet his. “I’m not sure…yet. But I’ve been giving it some serious thought.” “I’ll wait, then. Until you’re sure, “ Nico said cheerfully. “You’ll wait? But it could take months.” “It’ll happen.” Nico stated confidently. “If there is one thing Haiji’s persistence with Hakone taught me about you is that no matter how stubborn you are, if I am even more stubborn, you’ll come around.” Yuki dramatically opened his mouth in shock and picked up the pillow closest to him, throwing it at Nico with all his strength. He then marched out of the out of the room yelling, “You owe me a luxurious breakfast. And a massage for my aching back.” Nico slipped out of bed and softly chuckled to himself as he followed behind him.

#kazetsuyo #run with the wind #nicoyuki #fanfic

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writingmilo · 5 years

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Crises and Chocolate - Rowan & Maya (OCs)

A/N I’m not sure if you can tell, but I’m really getting into creating some OCs!

Tagging: @honestlyitsjustkenna, @nekob00, @nerdy-sam, @3dchocolate, @i-am-parsec, @lifeofthesepticeye, @inked-septic, @misstakebunny, @eternally-internaly-screaming, @iwritesinsnotqualityposts, @maybalator. Let me know if you want to be tagged/untagged.

Summary: Jackie has to face his one weakness, upset girls. Rowan and Maya have a heartfelt conversation.

Trigger warnings: implied abuse, implied suicidal thoughts, depression

Maya was laying face down on the floor when Jackie entered. "Wow, dude, that bad?"

"Mmmhmmm." Her arm twitched slightly as he approached, but still, her face was smooshed into the carpet.

"What is it, cramps or head?" Jackie knew the drill by now, there were only two reasons Maya would be found on the floor; the floor was her place of refuge when period cramps struck and when her mental health took a plummet.

"Mmmmmmhhhhm." She lifted her head slightly, bouncing it on the carpet to signal the answer.

"Shit, that bad, huh?" Despite having dealt with Chase for many years, Jackie was unusually inept at dealing with Maya's crises. After inspecting the scene one final time, he spoke again. "Is there anything you want?"

She shook her head to the side.

"Should I get Rowan? Or Chase?" His normal confidence gone, Jackie stumbled to find something to do which might help the young addition to the family get off the floor.

And she nodded, at least a little. "Okay, I'll go and get Rowan. Let me know if there's anything else you want, kay?"

Halfway up the stairs, he met Rowan. "Hey Row," he stopped and pointed at them, "Maya, floor," he pointed behind him, down the stairs, "Help?" Rowan chuckled at the helpless hero.

"Sure thing, Jayboy, I need to pee, but I'll be down in a sec."

"A: tmi, B: thank you so so so so much, I owe you one dude!" He moved to the wall, letting Rowan past.

"No probs, Jay. But yeah, get me chocolate. I'll need chocolate." They continued descending the stairs, turning into the toilet on the left as Jackie followed.

"May, I'm going to the shop, do you want anything?" After a few seconds with no reply or movement, he continued. "Rowan'll be through in a sec, I'll be back soon." He grabbed his coat from the hook and glanced back at Maya before he shut the door.

Rowan entered the living room to find Maya laying on the floor in front of the sofa. "Hey May," they sat down on the floor next to her, leaning on the sofa. "You wanna talk?"

At first, there was no reply, which wasn't unusual. There had been other times when Maya had only wanted reassurance when she couldn't talk. But she moved her head, looking at Rowan. Slowly she sat up, crossing her legs underneath her once she was sat next to Rowan.

"So, mum and dad?" It was a sore subject, but Rowan approached it without caution, as usual.

"Yeah, a bit. No, a bit, I don't know, it's just, everything feels like it's just got on top of me. You know?"

"Maybe, I can't say I had it as hard as you have. At least I got to finish school before... You, you've had to move to the other end of the city, start a new school, all while making a new family. I never had to worry about any of that. But you've handled it so well, you've just got on with it. I am so proud of you, May, you know that? I am so, unbelievably proud of you, and honestly, you are so amazing."

"No, I'm not. I've gone through the last five years of school without making a single friend, getting detention every day, screaming at teachers. I've acted like a brat, I've made your life a living hell, and now I annoy everyone in the house by acting like a stroppy teenager."

Hearing their sister talk so belittlingly of herself made Rowan realize how much their parents had fucked her up.

"I don't know how you tolerate me, any of you. Hell, half the time, I can barely tolerate myself, so props to you, I guess." Rowan didn't know how to respond, so silence sat in the air once again.

"I think about them a lot, mum and dad. I think about what they would do if I just went home. Sometimes I wonder if they would open their arms and let me back into the family; whether we would be happier if we tried again. But sometimes I think they would just kill me straight up." She wiped a few tears from her cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie. "Sometimes I think I should just take my chances and- and find out. Just go home and see, cos, I mean, nothing could be any worse than what's already going on in my head, so I might as well just take my chances."

Maya was sobbing, and tears were welling in Rowan's eyes. They wrapped their arm around Maya's shoulder, pulling them into a tight hug. "I'm sorry, May. You're my little sister, it's killing me to see you like this. I want to help you, please, tell me something, anything that I can do to make this go away, to make you happy again. I love you May, if you go, I don't know what I'd do, you're my rock."

The door opened, and Jackie walked in. Walking in to see two kids crying in the living room was not something he was used to, and he was even more lost than before. "Hi, I'm home. You guys okay?"

Rowan looked at Maya, they couldn't respond for her. In the end, she did it herself, "Yeah, I think we are — we will be. I think."

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headlongedmaggiemay · 5 years

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Guys, I floored! IDK what I’m doing

This is a long rant/story ish thing. It gets weird at the end.

Ok here’s a peak into my life (of which, no one asked for 🤷🏼‍♀️).

Hi, I’m Steph, 28 (turning 29 at the end of this month), artist, barista, beach bum, INFP, 2w1, Hufflepuff. I’ve been a part of the Queen fandom since BoRhap and I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.

Ok, one of the main things that I usually don’t care that much about but has been a source of insecurities and a trigger for my depression, which I’m working on controlling that, is I’m Demisexual. I’m a unicorn, ace of diamonds, part of the asexual range, and a complete hopeless romantic. It was hard growing up not understanding that I wasn’t broken. I didn’t have crushes on people the majority of the time or slept around. A lot of my friends chucked it up to me being raised in Christianity, and in all honesty I thought that was part of it, too. I remember thinking the people I had interest in just didn’t like me because of *queue laundry list of typical insecurities often found in teenagers and young adults* (you get the gist). Through my early mid 20s I decided to acknowledge my feelings and desires to be in a relationship but not let the lack of affection, attraction, or action overwhelm me into a depressed funk. I chose to focus on the fact that I felt relatively normal for wanting those things which the American Society seems to hyper fixate on. This was the period of time I took to focus on me and being confident in my plus sized skin. This was good. I am who I am and no one can make me feel less than who I am. Around the peak of self love and acceptance, I discovered a word, a magical word, that seemed to click with who I am, Demisexual.

For those unaware of the definition of Demisexual it is not experiencing any sexual attraction to another until a greater bond is formed. Basically, there has to be an emotional bond, think friends to lovers trope. We fall under the asexual umbrella. Just because we need a deeper connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to, doesn’t mean we don’t get horny or anything else non-ace feel, it’s just more specific to the individual. From what I’ve read, since I only know of one other demi, who didn’t have a word for what she is until pride month because I was explaining my demi pride name tag I painted for work, a lot of Demi’s still have sexual urges and masterbate. We still have the need to connect with another person. We still want to be kissed in the most romantic way. It’s just with a person we know and trust.

That being said, I’m a demi who rarely has romantic crushes, friend crushes literally happen everyday for me lol, I just think people are amazing and unique! The thing about me is that I’ve had five (5) crushes in my nearly 29 years of life. Of course, 4 out of 5 of those I had a deep connection to, the other I was literally a child, living in my fantasy, but it still counts. Consequently, those four are the only ones I have ever had a sexual attraction towards. So the 4 have all been friends, close friends, best friends, and only one of those was semi acted on. We talked for a few weeks, then he decided to be an ass, (fueling my deep fear of rejection) and I told him he wasn’t allowed to talk to me or even look at me until I gave him the ok, which he respected. I have had a ‘boyfriend’, it lasted 3 weeks, was he one of the 5? No. Why did agree to be his girlfriend? Because one of the five had gotten into a relationship with our friends sister and I was so hurt because I put too much heart into a one sided thing, I accepted the ‘boyfriend’s’ affection and hoped for something to happen. I don’t know I was hoping for, but it didn’t happen. (The guy who got with our friends sister is happily married to her and I’m happy for them)

See, when I have a crush or whatever you want to call it, I go hard. I already know when I get into a *real* relationship, it will be a ride or die situation. I love hard, even on my friends. I’m incredibly loyal and protective of my tribe. I can’t help it, it’s just how I function.

This is a lot of setup for this part of my current flaming cart of shit of a life, right now, July 14, 2019. For the past, nearly year I guess, I’ve been trying to disentangle my feelings I had towards my closest best friend. I’m 99.999999% he’d never hold romantic feelings for me and that’s fine, I can’t force him to reciprocate. The main reason I decided to disentangle my romantic feelings for him was because I don’t want to ruin our friendship. It means more to me than a crush. Like, he’s so important to me and I know that if I didn’t, I’d push him away and lose one of the best things in my life. And for all of you going ‘why not take a chance on him?’, well my dears, he is on the asexual scale as well. And I respect him and our friendship too much to damage that. Queue BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY! In the earlier stages of the disentangling, BoRhap came out. This was my distraction from my feelings and ultimately what helped me work past them. Shout out to all you Queenies out there, y’all helped a lot! Anyways, I realized about a month or so ago I no longer felt those romantic feelings for him and was pleasantly joyful about that because now our friendship has gone back to normal. Around that time, a guy at my work transferred back to our store. I worked with him briefly when I was first hired, six months later he was transferred. We almost never spoke, I was shy and still getting comfortable with the people, so I barely spoke to like 3 of my coworkers. I always tried to say hi to him and a few other coworkers that I felt we could eventually become friends. Fast forward a year and half later, I’m incredibly comfortable in my work space, so much so that I, an introvert, innately shy natured person, am considered one of the bigger personalities we have in our shop. So here we are, he’s (let’s call him Craig) back, and somehow we have become pretty close. Now, I’ve never been good with reading flirty body language, I’ve always said if someone like me, I need a billboard or flashing lights, or complete directness i.e walking up to me and saying, ‘Steph, I like you a lot,’ or ‘I have feelings for you.’ So with Craig I can’t tell if he’s flirting with me or if he is very comfortable with me. He is a relatively normal cis guy, not an asshole, nerdy and cute and yes, a crush is developing for him. We send each other memes literally all day even when we’re at work together. He texted me right before he fell asleep telling me he shaved his face. I can read his emotions fairly well. We joke and laugh all the time. We haven’t hung out outside of work yet, but I really want it to happen. I’m at the point in my life that whatever happens happens with him because to few times I let my heart run away it’s come back mangled. I’m tired of it. Also, Craig got out of a 3 year relationship right before he transferred back. I’m trying not to dive in without looking, but Craig has been constantly running through my head for the past week, at least that I’ve realized. I’ve had a few sex dreams with him, fun fact: I’ve never had sex... bonus: it doesn’t make me weird. He’s definitely popped into my head when I was masterbating (tmi sorry). I just don’t know what to do. I want something to happen between us, I want him to have feelings for me, I want him to hold me at night but we work together so I have all these insecurities with that. My insecurities about my weight like to flare up when I start having feelings for someone. I’m confident in my skin except around crushes, apparently. I shouldn’t let it matter, but I know I don’t fit the standard for beautiful body, or ‘hot’ and hmmmpff. Like anytime someone tinkles that little bell of interest for me, a voice comes crawling from the grave I thought I buried it in, saying ‘no one’s going to love you or want you. how could they? you’re so fat and your boobs aren’t perfect, and look at all these pretty other people around you, how can you hold up them? why would they choose you over that cute thing there?’

Do you realize how hard it is to try to kill that voice, especially since it sounds like my mother?

Do you realize how hard it is not to hate myself for not being semi normal?

Do you realize how hard it is to not run away from my feelings for someone? To not just hide away forever hoping someone will come rescue me from my thoughts? To not just friend zone Craig and leave it at that?

I should just find a therapist.

Sorry.

P.S. I’m still figuring out the other part of my sexuality, meaning demi is a precursor to homo, hetero, bi, pan, poly ect. I think I’m demi-pan-sexual

#I have a lot of thoughts #idk what to do with this #not really queen related #personal #demi #demisexual #asexual #pansexual #demi-pan #queen fandom #my story that no one asked for

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notjanine · 5 years

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i’ve never before felt that year-end need to reflect on the past 12 months of growth, but if you’ll forgive me for being a little sentimental on main...

look, i know a lot in the world has sucked, but no question, this has been the best year of my life? it still doesn’t feel totally real. but at the same time that feels silly to say, because all i did was like. go to school.

but last year, 2017, i was ready to die. i mean, i’ve been suicidal for practically my entire life, since i was four or five years old (when my sister was in first grade, the father of one of her classmates killed himself, and learning that that was An Option was an epiphany of sorts for me). i always had a suicide plan in my back pocket, ready to go if need be, but last year i was really and truly done, ready to live one final summer and peace out.

and looking back, i still can’t believe just how sick i was. i was in pain literally every day for YEARS. i couldn’t leave my house for weeks at a time. i was often so weak i couldn’t even lift my tiny dog or walk to the mailbox. and i’m so grateful none of my fainting spells left me with any concussions or broken bones. some days i was too tired to speak. i was barely alive.

then i finally found a doctor who (gasp) AGREED that that was not an acceptable way to live one’s life, and maybe i, an adult woman, COULD make an intelligent and reasonable decision about what to do with my body. so got to say a glorious goodbye to my uterus (tmi fun fact- my last period started while i was seeing mother!, which is hilarious, and also coincidentally the same day cassini died). but whatever, that was 2017!

turns out that was exactly the correct decision, and i started getting better like. fast.

so in 2018:

i knocked out 37 college credits (with straight A’s!)

went on two fun trips- a little one up to dc for my birthday and a big one driving to california with my sister (i saw a desert for the first time in my life and the pacific ocean and the vast expanse of the flyover states from the ground which was terrifying in a way that is the exact opposite of claustrophobia)

i did brunch with friends on the weekend?? several times. this a dumb thing, but one i never would have done before

got into the best shape of my life. i’ve always been the weak, fragile baby of the family, and somehow, in this past year, i’ve done a complete 180 and now i’m The Strong One

have NOT gotten so stressed out that i impulsively cut off half my hair (this has been a go-to move for me since before i can remember)

the most weird and unexpected change- i’ve almost completely stopped having nightmares. i’ve had them every night (that i’ve slept, anyway) for, again, as long as i can remember (i do remember the earliest ones, from age 3 or younger). this is so bizarre to me. i’ve still had a few this year, some actually worse than what i’ve been used to (like panic attack inducing flashback type shit about my dad), but nothing like the multiple a night i that i’ve been having for my entire life before this.

i’ve tried so many new things, gone to new places, picked up new hobbies, and done a lot that i never would have CONSIDERED before this year. base level aspects of Who I Am have changed in a way i did not know i was capable of.

it hasn’t all been perfect. my health still isn’t where i want it to be. i’m still a deeply angry person who struggles with depression (and yeah i’ve continued to indulge some unhealthy coping mechanisms i should have left in the past). i’ve still seriously considered killing myself, but only a handful of times, rather than the constant malicious whisper of the easy potential of escape that’s been with me nonstop for the previous 20+ years. my mom finally sort-of admitted partial responsibility for some of the trauma my sister and i suffered in our youth, and our relationship may be irreparably damaged because of her attitude about it.

but it’s okay, because i’m still improving. and for the first time in my life i feel like i have a future? ngl, i am wondering if everything this past year has just been a result of the joy of a newfound freedom i’ve never experienced before, if i’ve actually changed at all. i don’t know. i guess the only way to be sure is with time.

#again i'm putting this under a read more but tumblr doesn't always keep it that way #so sorry if the full thing is taking up space on your dash!!! if you're annoyed by it know that i'm just as embarrassed by it #also 2018 is the year i switched to sports bras instead of regular bras and ladies i recommend it #more comfy and easier to wash and cheaper #and definitely cuter too if you're above like a b cup #maybe i'm just turning into a jock and embracing athleisure but gosh what a life upgrade #also this year i've decided to downgrade my hatred of cupcakes #like yes maybe they're inferior to regular cake but a cupcake is better than no cake at all #(i had a rose and pistachio cupcake (and some alfajores!!!) at a bakery in san francisco and it was so good i'm still fucked up ab it)#ANYWAY this might be the most i've ever talked about just myself in my life this is more than i'd say about myself in therapy #i'm tired and i want to go to bed now

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roslinadama-sinequanon · 6 years

Text

Saying Good-Bye to Yesterday-Chapter 6

In this chapter Sharon is under the weather, Provenza is mortified by why, Rusty is worried about Gus, and Jack ruins a surprise.

You can read it in the following places:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15321687/chapters/37872305 or here

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13004092/6/Saying-Good-Bye-to-Yesterday

or here-

"Well, I'm certainly glad today is over." Sharon hung up her coat and kicked off her heels, curling her aching toes. Her head hurt, her feet hurt and her back hurt. She was already pulling her blouse out of her skirt and starting to unbutton it on her way toward the bedroom when she called out over her shoulder to Andy, "I'm going to change into something more comfortable before dinner."

"Sounds good to me." Andy followed her into the bedroom, watching her disappear into the bathroom while he took off his suit coat. He was hanging it in the closet when he heard her muffled "Dammit" from behind the wall.

"Everything okay in there?" He asked at the bathroom door.

"Yes," she grit out, looking at the telltale stain in her panties. Terrific. Just what she needed after a day of dealing with Winnie Davis. No wonder her head and her back had been bothering her. Groping beneath the bathroom sink where she kept her supplies she gave another muffled curse when she came up empty handed, remembering that Emily had left her note apologizing for using the last of her tampons. She'd added a box to her shopping list, but considering she hadn't had a period in two months, the need hadn't exactly felt urgent. In fact, she was rather hoping that she might have seen the last of this monthly mess. Her periods had become more erratic over the last couple years, skipping a month here and there and sometimes arriving twice in the same month, sometimes light, sometimes heavy, all part of the joys of perimenopause her gynecologist assured her, but she'd never skipped two months in a row.

"Uh…No," she amended, opening the bathroom door. "I've got a bit of a problem here. Can I ask you a really big favor?"

"Sure. You okay? "

"Yes, fine. I just started my period and I'm out of tampons. Could you run over to Rite Aid and buy me a box." At the deer in the headlights look he gave her she added, "I hate to ask, but…"

"No, no. It's fine." He pushed aside his initial aversion. While it wouldn't have been his first choice as favors went, Sharon rarely asked him for anything intimate and it actually felt kind of good to have her turn to him in this way. "Kotex, right?" He'd seen the boxes in the vanity plenty of times, going back to when he'd had to move in with her because of his blood clot after they'd just started dating. It was how he'd known that he was still going to need to use protection when they finally made love. Of course, being the efficient woman that she was, Sharon had already taken care of things, having an IUD inserted when it was apparent that their relationship was moving into greater intimacy, leaving him with no need of the condoms he'd purchased.

"Yes. U by Kotex. Make sure you get the Click, the black and purple box. They're easier to carry in my purse." And more discreet.

"Okay, U Kotex Click, black and purple box, I got it." He could do this, even if it wasn't at the grocery store where he could slide them in amongst the milk, bread, and eggs.

*************

For all his nonchalance with Sharon, Andy stood in the feminine hygiene aisle feeling very much out of place. He'd found the Kotex, no problem, even found the click, but evidently, there was more to it than that.

Provenza and Patrice were making their way to the checkout counter when Patrice asked, "Isn't that Andy?"

Provenza followed the finger she was pointing and indeed saw Andy Flynn standing in the middle of the feminine hygiene aisle, two boxes in his hands and perplexed look on his face.

"Let's go say hello."

Provenza grimaced. The feminine aisle was one he avoided like the plague.

"Oh, come on." Patrice took his arm. "You're a big boy Louie." He huffed a bit but followed his wife.

"I knew you'd been extra moody, lately.

Andy turned to see Provenza regarding him with a raised brow and rolled his eyes. "They're not for me, obviously. They're for Sharon."

"TMI, Flynn, TMI."

Andy shook his head. "You've been married six times, you ought to be used to this stuff by now."

"Never," he shuddered.

Seeing Patrice at Provenza's side he asked, "What are you guys doing in this neck of the woods, anyway?" Los Feliz was 20 minutes away from the Provenza's small bungalow in South LA.

"I was downtown shopping so we decided to grab a pizza at Palermo's for supper," Patrice said. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"God yes. Thank you. Sharon wanted this brand," he showed her the two boxes. "But she didn't tell me which ones. I don't know the difference between the super and the regular."

"Well, that would depend on her flow. Did she just start?"

"Yeah, that's why I'm here. She wasn't expecting it today and she was out of these."

"Well, then, I'd get this combo pack." She grabbed a big box that was half super and half regular. "The supers will be fine for the first couple of days when it's heavier and then the regulars will work for the last few when it's lighter.

"Eh Gads. Really you two? "Provenza looked around to see if anyone was listening, and then hissed softly, "Are we really going to stand here in the middle of a store discussing the Captain's flow. It's embarrassing."

Andy gave a pointed look at the long yellow box in Provenza's hand. "No more embarrassing than buying hemorrhoid suppositories."

Provenza's face flushed. With a little huff, he slid the box of Preparation H under his arm and walked away toward the checkout counter with as much dignity as he could procure, Flynn's laughter following him all the way.

******************

Rusty was making the salad his mother had asked him to prepare to go with dinner when he heard the door to the condo open and then shut. With a puzzled frown, he stepped around the corner to see Andy.

"I thought I heard you come home earlier? He said.

"I did come home earlier. And then I left."

"Where did you go?"

"I had to run to the drugstore and get these for your Mom. " Andy pulled the box of tampons out of the bag, grinning when the boy's face twisted with distaste.

"Future reference Andy, when I ask a question like that a simple, 'I had to run an errand for your Mom will do it. I don't need to know any of the gross details."

Andy gave a soft chuckle. "Better get used to it, kid. Periods are a part of life, one day you'll have a wife and you'll-" A look of stunned horror crossed his face. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry."

"s'okay"

"No, really. I didn't mean anything by…It slipped…I just…. "

"Andy, it's okay. " Rusty cut off the stumbling explanation, putting the older man out of his misery. "You didn't offend me or anything."

"Okay, good. " Andy let out a breath of relief and started off toward the bathroom, then thought the better of it. Rusty wasn't going to have a wife and given the kid's upbringing, he doubted he'd ever been given a proper talk about this kind of stuff. Certainly, Sharon Beck wouldn't have done it and by the time his Sharon got the boy he'd probably known more about sex, the mechanics anyway, than her so there would have been no need for "the talk". In any case, boys were typically taught about male puberty and how to keep a girl from getting pregnant with barely a reference to anything that girls and women experienced. He'd learned far more about the female side of things from the women in his life than he did from health class or anything his father had told him. "You know kid, it's still a fact of life and even if you don't have a wife you could have a daughter one day. You might want to talk to your mom about that sometime." He looked down at the box in his hand. "Well, I better get these in to her."

Rusty watched Andy disappear into the bathroom. A daughter. He'd never really thought about that before. Did he even want children? Would he be capable of being a good parent? Despite the five years of love and stability he'd had with an amazing mother like Sharon, the 13 horrific years of abuse and neglect that he'd experienced with his biological mother and the two years he'd spent homeless, selling himself on the street had left him so messed up inside he wasn't sure he would ever be healed enough to think that he could be a good parent.

************

I have been patient, Gus. I waited an extra day. O-okay. Well, if you weren't ready to talk to me about it, then why text me? "

Sharon and Andy paused in setting the table with supper both looking to Rusty who was pacing in the living room on the phone with Gus.

"One of the things I love about living in a house with a kid again is realizing how happy I am to be older," Andy said.

" Mm." Sharon agreed, rubbing his shoulder and leaning in to press her lips to his in a brief kiss. "Relationships were so complicated at that age, weren't they? And breaking up is tough. Even if there's no other choice." She was so glad that she and Andy were past the complicated stage in their relationship. Sure, there were still difficulties they were facing with their annulments, but it was no longer complicated. She loved him, she was committed to him and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. Nothing complicated anymore about that.

They sat at the table filling their plates while Rusty's conversation with Gus continued.

"Okay, I... yeah, right. But just... just know that it's incredibly frustrating and... Yeah, well, I love you, too. Okay. All right, bye."

Sharon smiled at the 'I love you'. Rusty had come such a long way with being able to express his feelings, well, feelings that weren't anger anyway. He'd always been pretty good at expressing his anger. She could still remember the first time he'd given voice to his feelings for her. He was standing in the doorway to her office about to leave when he'd said those very words, "I'm only doing this because I love you. You know that, right?" You could have knocked her over with a feather, but she had perfected the art of suppressing her emotions and keeping her face devoid of the surprise she felt at hearing things that shocked her, like those words, and her response was a matter of fact, "I do". But, as soon as her door shut, her eyes had flooded with tears of joy. He loved her.

"Well... that sounded more positive," she said as Rusty joined them at the table.

"He says that he thinks it's all good, but he can only talk to me about whatever it is face to face. What? "Andy was giving him that 'come on' look that he had when someone was being oblivious.

"Nothing, "Andy shrugged. "It's just... well when I think about good things that can only be talked about face to face…"

"You mean like marriage?" Rusty was dumbfounded. He wasn't ready for marriage. "Andy, I'm not even out of college yet. And then, I have law school after that. I can't... Oh, my God. This is gonna end no matter what I do. Either he's preparing some kind of, "It's for the best" way to break up with me. Or he's going to ask me to marry him and then break up with me when I say no. But getting married right now, that would be crazy. Wouldn't it, Mom?"

"It depends on how you really feel about the other person." Sharon was listening to the conversation but her mind suddenly went back to the murder of Allie King. If Allie had turned down the proposal her volatile boyfriend, a billionaire used to getting everything he wanted, would it have been enough for him to snap and kill her?

"So, you think I'm ready to get married?"

"What? No. Of course not. I think the two of you are jumping to conclusions. There's no reason to get all worked up about this until you find out what Gus really wants to talk to you about."

********************

After supper and an episode of "Game of Thrones" Sharon left Andy and Rusty engrossed in a chess match to go soak in a nice bubble bath, hoping the warm water might soothe the war taking place in her abdomen.

When Andy got to the bedroom, having been soundly defeated, Sharon was laying in bed absorbed in book as she was most nights before bed, but by the time he returned from the bathroom having showered and brushed his teeth he found her curled up in the fetal position around a heating pad, her book set aside. There was a mug of herbal tea and a bottle of Midol sitting on her nightstand and the room was filled with the lavender and sage scent of essential oils coming from her diffuser. All that arsenal told him one thing. Sharon was feeling pretty miserable right now.

Because of his addiction, he was unable to take many prescription medications so he was more open than most of the guys he knew when it came to using natural products to fight pain and illness. But even so, he'd still thought all that aromatherapy stuff Sharon got from Summer was just a load of New Age mumbo-jumbo. How could the scent of clary sage soothe the cramps in her uterus? And yet, he had to admit, the lavender she used did seem to make him sleep better. And, when she'd rubbed some peppermint oil into his neck after he'd gotten the pinched nerve it had helped a little bit.

"Cramps bad?" He asked, sliding into bed behind her.

"Mm…you think?" It was nearly a groan. "You know, it isn't fair. If I'm going to have to deal with hot flashes, it would be nice to at least have the benefit of stopping my period. I was hoping after skipping it for two months in a row that it might be done."

Two months? Had it been that long? It wasn't something he'd really thought about, but now that she mentioned it, he realized that it had been a while. The last time he could remember was right around Halloween when he'd woken one morning, a little taken aback, to see sheets stained with small wet patches of blood where Sharon had been laying. Hearing his surprised intake of breath when she'd risen from the bed, Sharon had been slightly embarrassed at the mess, complaining about the unpredictability of her period after a couple decades of it cycling like clockwork. He'd made a flip remark about her sense of occasion with it being Halloween and all which had earned him a withering look and kept him mute on the subject now. But there was something he could do.

"Doesn't seem like your bath helped much. Would you like a back or belly rub?" One or the other had seemed to be helpful in the past. The first day or two was always hard on her, with agonizing cramps and backaches.

"My back feels like it's in a vice grip," she admitted. "The heating pad is helping with my belly."

"Back it is then." He lifted her cami and slid his hand into the back of her boy shorts. It was the only time of the month she wore the comfortable stretchy shorts, preferring to sleep in silky or satin negligees and nightgowns but not willing to take the chance she might stain them.

The moment his strong fingers rubbed into the small of her back, Sharon moaned with relief. Then he placed his thumbs on each side of her spine and dug them in with circling motions the way she'd taught him the first time he'd done this for her.

"You're awfully quiet," he said after several minutes of nothing but appreciative soft moans. "Just in pain or are you really worried about Rusty and this marriage thing?"

"There is no marriage thing. We don't even know what Gus wants to talk to him about." Her strained protest did not fool him.

"So, you're worried."

She sighed. "Maybe a little. It's so easy at that age to be pressured into doing something that you aren't ready for."

"You and I are prime examples of that."

"We are. I don't want Rusty to fall into the same trap that we fell into. But I know I have to be careful about what I say. My parents arguing against me marrying Jack in some ways only pushed me the other way. I wanted to prove to them that they were wrong."

"And my mother urging me to marry Sandra and being so excited about it pushed me right into proposing. I had no idea what I was getting into."

"So, what do we do? "

"We worry about today. Tomorrow will come soon enough and we can deal with it then."

Sharon was a planner, she liked to look ahead, to be prepared, but she had to admit that Andy's take one day at a time AA philosophy was starting to win her over---a little bit anyway. She was always going to worry, always look ahead at the big picture, but if she could step back from that a little she would try. "I guess you're right, I should take my own advice. There's no need in getting all worked up about it until we know what it is that Gus wants to talk to him about. And if it is marriage we just have to offer Rusty the best advice we can and hope that he makes the right decision." At Andy's negative little rumble, she looked back over her shoulder. "What? "

"We're talking about Rusty, here. "

"I know that. He's made some poor decisions, yes, but he's gotten a lot better. Look at him now. He's in college, he has goals, he's interning with the hopes of going to law school. He-" She paused at the grin crossing Andy's face. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just so easy to get your Mama Bear hackles up. Anyone who even thinks about fucking with one of your children better watch out."

"Hmph. "She flipped back over. "You might want to remind Gus about that."

"I thought you liked Gus."

"I do like Gus. He's been good for Rusty."

"But…"

"But I don't know what all of this is about and he's Rusty's first love. He has the power to hurt him. You know, I watched Emily and Ricky go through this with their boyfriends and girlfriends and when their hearts were broken, my heart broke too. But, it feels different with Rusty. I know it seems like he's tougher than they are and in some ways, he is. He's certainly been through things they can't even imagine. But emotionally, he's so much more fragile than they ever were."

"Old or new, love always has the power hurt you, Sharon. Just look how long it took me to even ask you out on a date."

"Hmm…" she hummed, tapping his hand to keep him kneading on her back. That night at the candlelit table at Serve he'd taken her hand and, playing with her fingers, told her just how long he'd had feelings for her. How many times he'd wanted to ask her out on a real date, a romantic date, and yet he'd held back, fearing rejection, fearing the loss of something he wasn't even sure was real. Until he asked her out, he could believe that she had the same romantic feelings and sexual attraction for him that he had for her. But if he asked her out and she said no, that she wasn't interested in him that way, he would know for sure that his feelings were not reciprocated and that he'd read her completely wrong. The fear that he'd been living in a fantasyland and they would never be more than just friends had been very potent, but he had to do it. He had to man up, take a chance and fight for what he wanted.

"It sucks, but as much as we want to, we can't stop our kids from getting hurt. "

"I know," she frowned. "All we can do is be there to pick up the pieces." She grabbed the heating pad's control box and clicked on the two-hour timer. As tempting as it was to sleep curled around all that heat warding off the squeezing, gripping pain that radiated down her thighs and made her insides feel like they were going through a meat grinder, it was too dangerous to keep it on all night. "I'm going to try to get some sleep before the Midol wears off and the heating pad shuts down."

"Okay. " Andy nuzzled into her hair pressing a kiss to her temple. "Good-night, sweetheart." And he continued to rub her back until she fell asleep.

**************************

"So, do you remember her from your PSB days?"

Sharon looked down at the picture of a sour-faced older woman that she held in her hand. This was their newest victim, unrelated to the Allie King murder they were still working on. Mary Conrad, a former member of the LAPD. As if she could forget that nasty piece of work.

"Oh yes, I remember her very well." She glanced up at Provenza who seemed strangely ill at ease, shifting from one foot to the other. "You know Lieutenant," she leaned in whispering softly. "You can't catch it, it's not contagious." She bit back an amused smile at the deep red flush of mortification rushing into his face.

"Yes, well, I know that," he stammered. He couldn't help it. It felt strange knowing something so personal about the Captain. And he wouldn't have known about it if it weren't for…Flynn. His eyes moved to his second in command who was leaning casually back against a desk with a knowing smile. "Your boyfriend has a big mouth."

Sharon's smile broadened. "Yes, well…"She trailed off and began putting pictures of Mary on the murder board as the rest of team began filtering in.

Provenza couldn't have been more relieved to see them and took the opportunity to slide away to his desk trying not to think about what else Flynn had told her about that visit to the drugstore.

"As you all know our victim, Mary Conrad, was a veteran of the LAPD. I had a few run-ins with Mary at the PSB. In fact, Mary took a swing at me when I relieved her from duty." She slapped the last picture on the murder board.

"Why were you investigating her ma'am?" Julio asked.

"Well, when she'd make an arrest for fraud, Mary sometimes accepted 'thank you' gifts from banks and retail outlets.

"Oh my God, that's so against the rules."

Buzz, a man after her own heart. "Yeah, well that didn't keep her from trying to justify it. She even mentioned that FBI agents get to keep a percentage of confiscated funds."

"Lucky bastards," Provenza muttered. Mary had been in his class at the Academy and he was still trying to remember who she was. Kind of scary considering that in the late 70's there were barely a handful of women at the Academy. She should have stuck out like a sore thumb.

"But you know, Mary's main defense was that her Captain didn't like having a woman in his unit."

"Well, it was a bit of a boys club back then," Andy said as if she needed reminding.

"Still is," she reminded him right back. "But I'm not sure though how much of a committed feminist Mary was. When I asked for her service weapon back she called me a bitch."

"Oh, well, that's shocking."

Andy shook his head with a little grin at Provenza's quip. Except for Amy and Wes who had joined the division after Sharon had become their Captain and had little knowledge of her time in FID, they had all referred to her as a bitch at one time or another.

"You canned her right?" Provenza asked.

"No, I offered her a demotion and a chance to work her way back up but she retired instead."

"Well, well, well, there's the happy couple. Sharon, Andy, how does it feel to be engaged?"

Too stunned to move, Sharon's eyes met Andy's and they stood rooted on the spot as Jack blustered into the Murder Room with a big smile. It was the smile of a snake, ready to lash out with his poison venom.

The team was also shocked speechless, but it didn't take them long to regain their wits.

"Wait, what?"

"Congratulations."

"Where's the ring?" Julio asked. "Didn't the Lieutenant buy you a ring, ma'am."

"Oh my God," Andy shook his head.

Provenza only nodded knowingly. Tao was going to have to give him his five bucks back.

"Ohh… wait. You aren't wearing a ring, are you? Well, that had to be the shortest engagement ever." Jack shook his head with mock sorrow resting a pitying hand on Andy's shoulder. "Bad luck Andy, my old man. Sorry about that. Women can be so fickle. You shell out the big bucks on a vacation, bare your soul asking them to marry you, they get caught up in the moment and say yes and then they kick you in the balls and give you your ring back."

"What the hell are you even talking about?" Andy shoved Jack's hand from his shoulder and Sharon moved in closer to the two, sliding an arm around Andy's waist. She could nearly taste the testosterone that was flying around between the two men and knew this could easily get out of hand.

"Wait, are you two really engaged or not?" Amy asked.

Sharon turned to her team…her family. This wasn't how she had wanted to tell them. Leave it to Jack to mess everything up. "Yes, we are." She rested her head on Andy's shoulder in a quick moment of affection she rarely displayed at work, the wide, happy smile on her face easing the tension in Andy and in the room.

"We just haven't announced it yet," Andy said.

"Oh no, "Jack feigned dismay, the brief flare of hope at seeing her bare finger extinguished. "Oh, God. I ruined your surprise."

Sharon's eyes, turning hard as granite, settled back on her ex-husband. "Yes, you did," she said before turning her back on him to talk to her friends. "We were going to have a little party to make the announcement. And yes Andy did, of course, give me a ring but I left it home because we wanted to tell acting Assistant Chief Howard first."

"Oh, Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. You never change. Always following the rules."

Sharon's glare came back in full force as she whipped around snapping, "What are you even doing here, Jack?" As far as she knew, he wasn't representing anyone in their cases.

"I uh…Brought the paperwork. The annulment questionnaire."

"I asked you to mail it to me."

"The mail is so impersonal."

"Exactly."

Man, she was a tough nut to crack. that wasn't anything new. He'd told her once that she was his Mount Everest, his Waterloo. She'd made the decision 22 years ago to make their separation legal and at that time she'd put a wall up that he'd never been able to completely penetrate ever again. Oh, he'd tried storming the castle a few times, even tore away a brick or two on occasion but he'd never been able to infiltrate the barriers and rules she'd put in place to keep him at bay. She was strong and she was stubborn and standing there ramrod straight with her arms crossed under her breasts and her cheeks slightly flushed with anger, she was as sexy a woman as he'd ever known. God how he still wanted her. He always wanted her, though never more so, it seemed, than when she was out of his reach. And never had she been more out of his reach than she was now with Flynn standing at her side and the talk of marriage on everyone's lips. "Is that really what you, the queen of the face to face, wants?"

What she really wanted right now was for the floor to open and Jack to fall through to hell, but that wasn't likely to happen. "Fine, you want to talk? Go wait for me in my office. I need to finish up here and then you'll have," she consulted her watch, "you'll have about five minutes."

"You're a tough lady to bargain with," he tried his most charming grin. When it did nothing to change her steely demeanor, he sighed and made his way toward her office. He hated it when she played these power games. Sending him off to wait in her office was all about showing him who was the boss.

And Sharon was always the boss.

*************************

Sharon made him cool his heels for a good twenty minutes before finally joining him in her office.

"You printed this out awfully fast." Jack held up a framed picture she had on her desk. Her mother had taken it Christmas Eve after they'd told the family about their engagement. She and Andy were standing in front of a blazing fireplace and a large Christmas tree twinkling with white lights, surrounded by their smiling children. Their arms were wrapped around each other's waists and her dress, the color of cranberries matched his suspenders. They were radiating happiness.

Sharon took the picture from him and set it back down on her desk. "Why did you come here, Jack?"

"Okay, so that's how it's going to be." He started to pull out the chair in front of her desk.

"Don't bother sitting, you won't be here long."

"Seriously? You throw something like this at me and don't expect to have a conversation about it?"

"Not here I don't. If you'd really wanted to have a conversation about this, we could have met for coffee somewhere and discussed it. But that isn't what you wanted. You knew Andy and I are planning an engagement party to surprise our friends and you just couldn't wait to let the cat out of the bag. Using our children as spies is starting to get a little tiresome and if they knew what you were doing…My God," she shook her head with disgust.

More than once the kids had innocently given Jack information about her or Andy that he'd then used against them. She hadn't told Emily or Ricky about it because it would only hurt them. Jack was so good at manipulation he had them believing that he was only interested in their lives, while surreptitiously pumping them for information on her and Andy.

"I'm here because of this." He angrily tossed the manila folder on her desk. "An annulment. You know this negates our marriage."

"Our marriage was already negated. "

"No, a divorce means our marriage is over, an annulment means our marriage never existed."

"Our sacramental marriage never existed---and that's the truth. That was the marriage where you promised before God to love and cherish me all the days of our lives, the one when you placed a ring on my finger and promised to be faithful to me. Jack, you negated our wedding vows a long, long time ago. This just makes it official."

"You can't pretend it didn't happen, Sharon!"

"I'm not pretending anything. Legally we were married and it's over, but when it comes to the sacrament of marriage, it didn't happen. I made a mistake and I'm putting it behind me. It would be better for you if you did the same."

Jack looked like she'd slapped him in the face. "Is that how you see me, as a mistake?"

"Jack…" Her tone softened. "You know I will always be grateful to you for Emily and for Ricky. I will always care about you and wish the best for you, even when you piss me off and I want to ring your neck as I do most of the time lately. But even though I didn't officially end it until two years ago, we haven't been married, really married for twenty-five years. And let's face it; if we hadn't rushed into getting married that summer we graduated, we would have realized that even if we loved each other, it wasn't going to work between us. We just weren't compatible. We wanted different things out of life. " She wanted a partner, family, stability, and monogamy, none of which he'd been able to give her. "I wasn't able to see that for a long time and maybe I was willing to overlook too much. You were my first serious relationship. Now that I've been with Andy and experienced that level of love, respect, and commitment, I can see what we were missing. "

"Andy," he scoffed. "You're seriously going to marry him?"

"I wouldn't go through this if I wasn't serious about marrying Andy. I'm not looking forward to reliving all of the most painful, humiliating parts of my life."

He flinched knowing she was referring to her time with him, but as usual, his pain came out as anger. "But you'll go through that for him."

"For us," she stressed. "I want to start our marriage out on the right foot and for me, that means getting married in the church."

"I gotta ask, why Flynn?"

"I'm not sure you really want me to answer that." She was still angry for what he'd just done, still angry for how he'd treated their children when they'd gone to him, but that didn't mean she wanted to hurt him.

"Yes, Sharon, I do. "

She stared at him for a long moment trying to decide if he was sincere or just trying to goad her into a fight, wondering how she could convey what she had with Andy in a way that he would understand. What could she tell him of a love that had sprung seemingly out of nowhere; coming at a time in her life when she'd least expected it. A love that had started with a deep friendship, her feelings growing and deepening every day until they became so powerful she could no longer imagine her life without Andy in it.

"Come on Sharon," he pushed. "You said you overlooked too much with me, but it seems to me that you must be overlooking an awful lot when it comes to that skirt chaser."

Her eyes hardened, whatever compassion she'd had for him disappearing. "Okay," she snapped. "You want to know, why Andy? Because he makes me happier than I've ever been in my whole life. Because he respects me and he loves me in a way that I've never been loved before and because I love him in a way that I've never loved anyone before. " As she spoke of Andy, she could actually feel that love, the warmth flowing from her heart all the way into her bones, melting the anger she felt toward her ex. It was a feeling she couldn't explain.

"He's a drunk you know," Jack spat out derisively. "Just like me. You just went from one drunk to another."

"He's an alcoholic," Sharon corrected, trying to keep her temper in check, something that was never easy when it came to Jack. "A recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years, made amends and repaired his relationships with those he loves. So, no, he's not like you at all."

"Really? How is he moving in and living off you any different from what I did? Sounds to me like he's as much a deadbeat as you once accused me of being. "

Sharon's mouth dropped open with shock. Now that was rich, coming from the king of the freeloaders. She didn't owe Jack of all people any explanations but she also could not allow him to besmirch Andy this way. "Not that it's any of your business, but unlike you, Andy does not, nor has he ever 'lived off me'. He moved into my, now our condo because we are looking to buy a house and his house, the one that he bought himself and paid the mortgage on himself, again, something you've never done, sold faster than he thought it would and we haven't found a house yet. And unlike you who never gave me a dime of child support or sent any money home to help with the mortgage, bills, ballet classes, swim meet fees, football camps and baseball clinics, never mind college, he pays half the mortgage, half the utilities, and half the condo fees. He also paid child support when his daughter was younger, helped her with college tuition, and pretty much footed the entire $30,000 bill for her wedding so let's remember who the deadbeat is because it sure isn't Andy."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot what a paragon he is. Saint Andy. Good luck with that, I think you're gonna need it." He stalked off toward the door

"I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Oh, and Jack-" she stopped him just as he touched the door handle. "He may not be a saint but you want to know what else is different between you and Andy? When he moved in last August, it was into my bedroom, not the couch."

Jack's face flushed, his blood boiling with anger and jealousy. He wanted to walk out that door and punch Andy Fucking Flynn right in the face. Instead, he hit Sharon where he knew it would hurt her most. "Yeah, the kids told me all about it."

In an instant, Sharon went from chastising herself for allowing him to taunt her into pettiness to seething with outrage. Only this time she kept it under control calmly asking, "Will I be seeing you at the tribunal?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"You know, Jack, I really don't want to fight with you. I'd like this to be as civilized as possible.

"I'm sure that's exactly what you'd like, Sharon." He tossed her an enigmatic look and walked out the door.

TBC

#sharon raydor #andy flynn #shandy #Major Crimes #saying good-bye to yesterday #jack raydor #rusty beck

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freshdotdaily · 5 years

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I wrote this blog post in 2012 but tumblr deleted it. It was called sumn like, “My main critique w/ Talib Kweli” I wasn't allowed to listen to rap or any secular music growing up. My mom did me a grave disservice in that regard. So appropriately when I came into age I began sneaking all the music I could. I liked hip-hop and wanted as much of it as possible. The first record that I got that informally changed everything for me was Arrested Development's "Arrested Development 3 years 5 months 2 days". Probably because A) It was non-violent hip-hop I could RELATE to & B) After being raised by a Puerto Rican mother I had little to no real Knowledge of Cultural self.The next albums that followed after I devoured that album were Fugees "The Score" and Busta Rhymes "When Disaster Strikes" it'd be a little while before I was able to get my hands on any new cd after those two, so I had those 3 albums for a good year or two in heavy rotation along w/ Future Flavors on Hot 97 to keep me current. I was writing my raps pretty regularly around this time and I'd graduated from performing gospel raps at my churches Youth Night to nervously performing at little local open mic spoken word poetry nights w/ my friend Jason.The next album I got my hands on was "Mos Def & Talib Kweli are BlackStar".

That album changed EVERYTHING for me. As far as I was concerned I never needed another rap album. This was the penultimate affirmation of all the things I'd come to feel were true about myself and hip-hop and my culture. Mos was the Charismatic emcee who was forever on beat and in pocket w/ his flow and Talib was the well-read, technical lyricist. I immediate began trying to become an amalgam of them both in one emcee since I felt they so aptly represented what I felt. Reflection Eternal's "Train of Thought" album dropped and blew my head clean off my shoulders. The beats, man. Kweli was at his apex w/ that album. Raps + beats + Brooklyn being well represented. Oh, and let us not forget the Ecko advertisements. I wore Ecko exclusively for about a year and change. I mean footwear to underwear at one point. Talk about artists being brands and marketing alignment & etc. I bought Triple 5 Soul because that's apparently what Mos Def wore, right? I bought & read Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf" because Kweli made a reference to it. I read Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" because Kweli made a reference to it. I mean, this is what hip-hop, good hip-hop anyway is supposed to do, right? Spark discussion, open minds, create thought and growth, etc. I felt like I was a part of that MOVEMENT. Rawkus. The Okayplayer board. The Spitkicker site. SoulQuarians. I had all the albums from everybody. Probably TMI, but I lost my virginity in 1999, while Pharoahe Monche's "The Light" was playing in the background for some reason. smh. For crying out loud, Black Star's "Respiration" is the top song in my top five favorite songs of all time.

It gets deep, nigga. (c) Kendrick Lamar

As my writing progressed and evolved and I found my own voice eventually through trial and error, Mos Def's "Black on Both Sides" dropped. While "Train of Thought" was still my favorite of the two albums, Mos's charisma eclipsed Kweli and he became my favorite of the two emcees. I judge rappers work against their own previous work instead of their peers, because that's fair to do artistically. So I'd never pit Mos & Kwelis work against each other because that's like arguing about which is more delicious of a fruit, apples or oranges? Two different fruits altogether, bruh. Also, at this point, I'd moved out my moms house, put out my 1st album, discovered early Eminem and Canibus and had a blossoming cd collection. Not to mention my attention was being held by a burgeoning Kanye.When Kweli's solo project "Quality" dropped, it hit me kinda like "meh". Gone was the signature Hi-Tek sound. I mean, Tek had joints on there but it wasn't the same. Dj Quick? Dj Quick is a mothafuckin' legend, sure. But his relevance at the time? Nah. Especially to a n00b EAST COAST hip-hopper as myself, it was baffling. The general consensus was Kweli used his first truly solo debut to attempt a move toward a more mainstream sound. It received some mainstream attention thanks to the West-produced single "Get By" which peaked at #77 on the Billboard Hot 100. That was Kweli's lifesaver. That album would've drowned otherwise. I did like the Kweli/Kanye connection that seemed mutually beneficial for both of them. It seemed to be going well even got him a Hov shout out on "The Black Album", in which Jay-Z rapped: "If skills sold, truth be told/I'd probably be, lyrically, Talib Kweli". Then the Strugglesome "The Beautiful Struggle" album dropped and I wanted to like it, but it too, hit me like "meh". The Neptunes, Just Blaze and Kanye couldn't save that album. The album failed to cross over into the mainstream and suffered a critical backlash. For example, Britt Robson of The Washington Post said: "Struggle" was a "frequently awkward, too-obvious bid to exploit the commercial buzz Jay-Z created." Mos was trying his hand at rock music w/ Black Jack Johnson and dropped "The New Danger" to my disappointment. By this point I'd bought Common's "Like Water For Chocolate" and it made him instantly my new favorite emcee. I went and bought "Resurrection" and "One day it'll all make sense" in the same day and consumed those albums daily.In listening, I noticed Kweli's aging. His attempts to remain relevant by looking around him and seeing what was popular and trying to compete. I was willing to overlook his stuffing a thousand syllables into a bar and over usage of the word "like" in every rap song w/ semi-obscure literary references (that I dug, actually). I was willing to overlook the preachy tone his raps somewhat took. I was still BUYING Kweli's music. Brooklyn. over. everything, my nigga. I downloaded '"Liberation" and wasn't mad at that at all. Kweli and Madlib? Dope. I stopped there. There was too much disappointment for me to continue. I wished he'd maintained his aesthetic. Emcees like Kweli and Fat Joe will always look around and try to emulate to maintain relevance. I'm sure there's more money and more opportunity in it, but you lose that core fanbase for the possibility of a bigger, newer fanbase who's not familiar with your older work and doesn't love you the same as a fan. Whereas an artist like Ghostface or DOOM will continue to do what they do in their lane and gain cult followings. Mos learned this the hard way. It wasn't until "The Ecstatic" (and stepping the live show up by giving people what they came to see) that heads began fucking w/ him again.Eardrum? Nope. Finally, a new Reflection Eternal album? With post G-Unit Hi-Tek? It was a little too late. I bought it & reluctantly handed my money over. I'd lost my will to be be a Kweli fan. Gutter Rainbows? Nope. Idle Warship? Hell no.

Did Kweli become wack? nah, he's still nice. I feel like it's the same problem Nas had with putting out 2 great albums out the gate and then trying to maintain relevance in a changing musical environment where the consumers are getting younger and the music is warping to accommodate. It took Nas about 10 albums to figure out how to get BACK to his original formula.I ask myself often if my critiques on Kweli came about because I rap and hold him in my influences. You know how you get older and realize your parents weren't the geniuses you thought them to be as a child? Once I figured out my stride and perfected how I wanted to rap and write, I think I began flaw finding. Flaw finding is both my nature as a virgo and my right as a consumer & fan. The power to critique constructively is also my right as a fellow artist. The biggest iniquities were the syllable cramming at the expense of flowing on-beat to get a point out as well as beat choices. But overall, I wanted that vibe back. I wanted that hi-Tek, Geology and Shawn J. Period vibe back from when I found myself as a young man and emcee. In 2013 Kweli is dropping "Prisoner of Conscious" a title derived from Talib's constant labeling as a "conscious rapper" and based on Nigerian reggae artist Majek Fashek's album "Prisoner of Conscience." I plan on purchasing it via an experiment. I'm gonna download all the albums of his I missed and see if there's been any hints or glimmers of what I've been missing that could lead up to this being his "Life is Good" album. Based on that, hopefully I can "experience dedication" and "move something", before it's "too late" for him to "get by".-F.Daily

It’s 2019 and I think Kweli is super important to raps annals and history. Albeit his hubris and righteous stances especially on social media mixed w/ distasteful personal stories I’ve heard + how he handled ReS’s music issues have rubbed me all the wrong way. I still think there’s really some slivers of relevancy for Kweli in the current hip-hop climate. I think he’s in tune with the culture and good for hip-hop and an important voice in socio-political justice for the advancement of people of color. Ionno how good the music is for me personally anymore, but I’ll always have Reflection Eternal.

content sourced from Talib Kweli's wiki page

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simmer-for-hire-blog · 6 years

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Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

#non sims #mental illness tw #self-harm tw #suicide tw

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corgisocks · 6 years

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85 questions

tagged by @ribenaflip 💞💕💖💗

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

EDIT: as of 2019, this tag is like 20% irrelevant to what i’m like now....did it in 2017 so

— what was your last…

1. drink: water

2. phone call: it was me calling jojo’s phone so they could find it

3. text message: “I am having a major crisis”

4. song you listened to: coffee & tv by blur

5. you cried: that’s tmi but also saying it’s tmi is tmi and all of this is tmi so what am i DOING

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nooo

7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes i kissed a piece of toast and it got crumbs all over my face

8. been cheated on: if i have been that’d be concerning seeing as i’ve never not been single

9. lost someone special: not recently.

10. been depressed: 24 hours 7 days a week m8

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: what is an alcohol? (no)

— fave colours

12. vermilion 13. cerulean 14. very very dark grey

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: YEET (shoutout to the gc)

16. fallen out of love: i WISH (lmao it’s been 2 years please end me)

17. laughed until you cried: yea obvs

18. found out someone was talking about you: many times. many many many times.

19. met someone who has positively changed you: YES. my bestest buddy has and not in a bad way. i’m definitely a better and happier person because i met him

20. found out who your friends are: i never think about friendships in that kind of way. and if i did i probs wouldn’t care to be like ‘they were a shitty friend’ instead it’d just be like they were someone in my life and it sucks that they’re not/don’t want to be in a good way anymore but shit happens. and i don’t take it personally

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what is a face book because if it’s like a book of faces i kissed myself in the picture of my group of friends that is in my yearbook

— general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: again…what is a face book

23. do you have any pets: YEET

24. do you want to change your name: i mean idk i think i’d be cool with just usin a nickname for now i’ll figure the legal stuff out later

25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to my friend’s birthday party. spent almost all of it looking for one of the people who was invited with two of my bros. then i saw wonder woman, went to a reallyreally good korean bakery, and then went to the empire state building. and last but not least, the next day, my friends came over and we played clue and mariokart. all in all it was a 10/10 birthday tbh! (it was an anomaly though ngl my birthday this year is going to be infinitely more depressing)

26. what time did you wake up today: 5:30 am cos my school starts too fuckin early ;(

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: taking a shower

28. what is something you can’t wait for: plake’s upcoming single (it’s my fav and i’ve been wanting it in my library for m o n t h s so i’m 110% ready for it

30. what are you listening to right now: the sound of people talking

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i was at an improv comedy show and of all people i was picked to volunteer and when i was on stage my shoe fell off and one of the comedians who was called tom was like 'your foot has been borne to the audience’

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: my own exhaustion!

33. most visited website: my school’s online gradebook 😬

34. hair colour: really dark brown (some people think it’s black but NO)

35. long or short hair: short...it will never be long again i assure you

36. do you have a crush on someone: yes ;(((

37a. what do you like about yourself: i may be an awful person atm but at least i can understand why i am the way i am and know how to improve

37b. what’s something you don’t like about yourself: too many things. rn though i don’t like how i come off as like a 'show-off’ when i’m trying to help people cos me trying to get them to like actually understand what they’re learning always sets em off even though it’d be worse to just do things my own confusing way and leave em in the dust. i also hate how i get frustrated with them (and myself tbh) when that happens

38. want any piercings: hecc no

39. blood type: i legit have no clue

40. nicknames: lou, coco

41. relationship status: what is a relation ship

42. sign: gemini

43. pronouns: he/they i GUESS

44. fave tv show: peppa pig tbh

45. tattoos: hecc no!

46. right or left handed: BOTH

47: ever had surgery: nope 😬

48. piercings: once again HECC NO

49. sport: used to do tennis and track. now i kind of just do a lil bit of everything for fun and i love biking and running

50. vacation: yes please. i need a vacation from LIFE

51. trainers: i’ve had the same old black nikes for three years and the same flip flops for five ;( (and i also have some black converse high-tops that i never wear unless i need to look 'nice’ whoops)

— more general

52. eating: i prefer raw foods to pretty much everything so poke bowls are my jam. i’m also a vegetarian who doesn’t eat fruit because what is self-care??

53. drinking: water. it’s important to stay hydrated

54. i’m about to watch: my surroundings that aren’t my phone

55. waiting for: this tag to be over. yikes

56. want: to pass english for ONE GODDAMN MARKING PERIOD before i graduate cos i haven’t since mp1 of ninth grade during which i got a 99 (now i have a 15 look how far i’ve come!!)

57. get married: i mean…

58. career: ah yes i’ll probably have one of those

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: y'all mean in relationships? no pref. generally speaking though i almost always hate both

60. lips or eyes: no pref

61. shorter or taller: no pref…

62. older or younger: i don’t think about any of this shit i am so confused!!

63. nice arms or stomach: what constitutes an arm or stomach being nice?

64. hookup or relationships: labels ew neither is good

65. troublemaker or hesitant: somehow i’m both. like i’m loud as fuck and kind of obnoxious and audacious but i also have 9.9/10 self-control. so like i would be cool with either type of person

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: i hope not

67. drank hard liquor: hecc no

68. turned someone down: i thought i was gonna have to but that never happened WHEW

69. sex on first date: what is this “sex” you speak of? what is a “date”?

70: broken someone’s heart: i hope not! except hearts are kinda squishy so like i probably haven’t

71. had your heart broken: no although my heart rate’s so high i fear it will explode one of these days

72. been arrested: so far, no

73. cried when someone died: :((( chris cornell. i was lookin up soundgarden on google to find tour dates near where my uncle lives and then i saw it and i was like 'no. nononono. nonononononononono.’ then i let one tear escape from the ducts in my eyes before going into denial river. (aren’t i so fuckin clever 😤😤😤)

i also cried during a tribute to chester bennington at a muse concert if that counts

74. fallen for a friend: once again ew labels but y'all should know by now that i HAVE and i’m STILL falling ;(

— do you believe in

75. yourself: i have no concept of anything in existence and this tag has made me realise that. whoops

76. miracles: i could ramble about this one but i don’t have the time

77. love at first sight: dunno, but i will say that when i met my best friend i knew i was going to love him from how he acted and what his sense of humour is like. he’s so unique really like you can TELL he’s his own person and he owns it without trying to

78. santa claus: yes but only cos i’m tryin to stay off the naughty list

79. angels: what is an angels

— misc

80. eye colour: this is a subject that has been widely debated so for now i’ll just say they’re either grey or green or both

81. best friend’s name: zeke

82. favourite movie: i have no concept of having a favorite movie unless it’s based on who it’s by so i’ll say my favorite pixar movie is wall-e for the sake of having something down for this question. otherwise it’s probs either memento or the imitation game.

83. favourite actor: myself 🤔

84. favourite cartoon: oh shit that’s too hard. my favs as a young child were tom and jerry and the first season of the pokémon anime and i guess my fav one that’s more 'mature’ is bojack horseman (although i’ve only seen half the first season lol)

85. favourite teacher’s name: my favorite is either nicole, hyungmin, rebecca, eileen, hayley, matt, kevin, or robert, but like…i hate picking cos that’s just unfair. so idrk

can’t tag rn but do this if you want to i guess

#i am a relatively uninteresting person #tag

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

#gahhhh anxiety #anxiety and gross embarassing medical problems #and dysphoria #and apparantly carrots #carrots somehow control your uterus #al these years and ive never known to eat more carrots on the monthly time...

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