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kitkats-and-kittens · 4 months

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One of my favourite things to think about is the rest of the batfam all having their own ‘Brucie Wayne’ personas. So here’s me listing how I imagine the main family members would front to the public.

Dick

I think would be very similar to Bruce with the same air-headed personality. As far as the internets concerned he can’t spell orange and pretends not to know any of the 50 states let alone which one he lives in. He also uses the fact that he never officially finished college to his advantage. As a kid he was more eccentric and people just knew him as that little kid whose constantly high of sugar and lollipops. Not much changes when becomes an adult.

Of course like father like son and he is also extremely charismatic. His persona is a little more goofy than Bruce’s and he’s known as the Wayne’s resident gymnast, at least in the air. He’s made a habit of acting as though any and all fine motor skills come to an absolute stop the moment he isn’t doing some complex flip, or cartwheel. There are serval videos on YouTube of him tripping over air, spilling drinks over his shirt, and stumbling into several guests, only half of these were faked. He also has a reputation of being an absolutely insane drunk. He went viral on twitter for doing a triple backflip in the middle of a gala which resulted in a shattered punch bowl, several traumatised guests and a fake news report claiming he’d died which sent the city into a riot for the next 24 hours all because he was a little bit tipsy.

Jason

Jason was pretty young when he ‘died’. Before hand he was the happy go lucky kid. With stars in his eyes and more energy than a Chihuahua hiked up on red bull and pure, liquified blue raspberry. Of course you had the occasional leech who saw in some news report that he used to be a street kid which resulted in several rumours about his ‘horrid violent nature’ but all it took was actually meeting him for most to completely disregard this.

After his death he doesn’t hang around the rest of the family much. Especially not in public and out of masks. However there is the occasional day (once every millennia or so) where he’ll stroll up to whatever part or gala or social event the Wayne’s are hosting that day, with his foolproof, impenetrable disguise Tayson Jodd absolutely no relation to Brucies dead kid, nor the elusive red hood who has a hate account dedicated to his very existence.

His whole thing tends to be a regular upstanding member of society. He acts completely normal. This wasn’t always the case. He used to change it every time he went to the parties, either acting as some depressed, lonely rich guy or an alcoholic and on one particularly memorable occasion a closeted drag Queen. However one time he showed up without a persona pre made and ready to go and just decided to wing it.

However Tim Drakes insane paranoia meant he stayed up a good 3 weeks after that night just to make sure Jason wasn’t trying anything and when Red hood found out he found it absolutely hilarious and resolved to be as respectable as possible while also generating maximum suspicion for all other members of his family.

Stephanie Brown

Although not officially adopted by the Wayne’s most people have gotten used to seeing her just roll up with the Wayne’s and it didn’t take long for social media to realise that Brucie had emotionally adopted her, if not legally. At first Steph didn’t really understand the need for a persona. She was already fine with keeping her actual personality and not turning it off for the cameras.

It took seeing Jason, who was having an absolute blast with his public persona to open her mind to the range of possibilities and she spent a full 3 months crafting a personality from scratch (putting that psychology degree to good use).

She cycled through a couple. Rich party girl, serious career woman, ditzy idiot. But eventually she landed on scheming socialite. She saw some tabloids slandering her for being Tim’s ex and although the rest of the family was not happy she took it and ran with it. Landing herself in the circles of the most gossip loving, shit talking, hot woman she could find.

She makes sure she exudes villainy at all times and has been seen eyeing Timothy Drake from across the room, stroking a cat (though no one knew where she got it from) and sipping a martini. Although she doesn’t particularly like how cruel some of her companions are she finds no greater joy than passively aggressively remarking about how Donna is wearing the same heels she was 3 years ago and oh my is she running low on funds? She was born to instigate and takes every opportunity to do so.

Tim Drake

If Tim is known for anything then it’s his ability to appear as though everything has gone to his exact calculations on the outside while internally screaming and just completely winging whatever half brained plan comes to mind. But one forgets, he isn’t just a Wayne but a Drake. Son of Janet Drake at that.

As a kid he was very much a mamas boy and would replicate her cold calculating air to the best abilities of a 10 year old boy. As he grew up however he realised that he much preferred letting people underestimate him. So in the end he settled on the stoner.

It was pretty unexpected for most of his family. Bar Dick who embraced it with all the reverence of a chaotic older sibling. Of course Tim Drake being as meticulous as he is meant when he made this persona built it from the ground up. He gave himself a favourite drug, a fake dealer, and he methodically updates his account balance every week, taking out just enough that it looks like he’s been buying.

Not only does this have the added benefit of explaining the random times he’s passed out in the middle of a party or those random compilations of him on YouTube simply staring into the abyss for hours on end, but it also means he had to try way less than his siblings when it comes to presentation. If Dick or Bruce show up with even so much as a slightly ruffled collar the tabloids will go on for weeks about the mystery guy or girl they definitely slept with. But when Tim does it, they just laugh. He gets a pat on the head and a glass of water shoved into his hands and no one thinks anything more.

And if he can also use it as an excuse for a few extra minuets of sleep then whose going to stop him?

Cassandra Cain

Cass didn’t need to do much of anything. When she first arrived in Gotham she was small, quite and not very well versed in social customs so it was practically written in the stars that she’d become an instant fan favourite. However unlike most of her siblings most of her fans aren’t focused on her what she’s been doing, or with who, but rather on trying to spot her.

She’s some aloof, mysterious figure to them and she’s also become a bit of a where’s Waldo meme. News reporters will post overview shots of the huge hall the guest are occupying, the grounds of the manor, the well kept lawns, the roofs, and the internet will go crazy trying to find her. At first it was difficult but only because she kept to herself, you’d find her in a corner of the room, or hiding behind one of the taller guests but ever since she realised what was going on she’s been making a conscious effort to make it as difficult as possible.

Some of her hiding spots include: under the table, the roof, inside the fountain, disguised as Dick Grayson, a statue, on the chandelier, and somehow as one of the reporters, camera and all. It’s become a bit of a game to see who can find her first and she remains Gothams favourite Wayne.

Duke Thomas

Duke isn’t really sure what to make of this whole public persona thing. He finds hiding such a big part of himself a little strange, and doesn’t much enjoy the idea of putting on a mask for others. So he does what he does best and puts the rest of the Wayne’s to shame with his sound logic.

He’s just himself. And somehow manages to cause the biggest impact. The people aren’t used to rich people not being overly eccentric. This is Gotham after all! And Duke Thomas’ actual personality is not exactly something they were expecting.

This is the same man who raised an army of teenage armies in the absence of his hero. To call him impulsive would be an understatement. Also he very much enjoys ‘eating the rich’ so to speak. He used his powers to convince one particularly nasty man that he needed full psychiatric care by randomly disappearing whenever he was in their line of sight.

He hangs out with Dick a lot, but only so when the worst of the Gotham socialites approach he can make them feel as uncomfortable as possible by questioning their thoughts and feelings on the working class, living conditions and all the other stuff they usually couldn’t care less about which leaves them scrambling for an answer that won’t completely ruin their reputations. Although he’s been branded ‘the responsible one’ that’s only because he presents himself as such to reporters. Most of the people attending the galas live in fear of him ever approaching them.

Damian Wyane

Being the youngest meant that people already had expectations by the time Damian showed up. Although most had no idea where the kid came from that didn’t stop them from making assumptions, and the rumours circulating from before he was officially introduced range from a mini Bruce Wayne to raging alcoholic. And yes, these were published when reporters knew damn well he was 10 years old maximum.

When the public do finally see him for the first time it doesn’t take them long to craft a persona for him. Damian of course sees this whole thing as beneath him, he doesn’t understand why he would need to hide himself, he didn’t train with the league for years to just not show of his skills. Dick tries to get him to think of it like training, as though he were on an undercover mission. This works a little too well and now he takes it so incredibly seriously it’s hard for the others not to laugh.

He arrived, squeezed in between Brucie Wayne who was blowing kisses to the camera, Dick Grayson doing a handstand, Tim Drake who looked absolutely blitzed and Stephanie Brown who was manically rubbing her hands together. Cass nowhere to be found and Duke giving his classic sunny smile to the camera.

So of course people realise this kid must be the adult. There’s jokes about how Damian must be the one doing the Wayne’s taxes, about how he probably drives Bruce to work, and other such things. Which is only further cemented by the kid himself. But he also doesn’t talk much (Dick said if he had nothing nice to say he shouldn’t say anything), and a few (illegally taken) photos show him drawing, as well as his small army of pets and so people are torn between this kid who is clearly far too mature for his age and this cute baby of a child who likes fluffy animals and crayons.

Damian is disgusted by both sides, but there isn’t much he can do about it and resolves instead to fuck with everyone by leaning into it and alternating on a seemingly random basis between clueless child and grown adult in a 10 year olds body. It mostly ends up terrifying the rest of his family because occasionally Damian (who several of them watched kill a man) will come up smiling and demand to be placed on their shoulders, and other times the same kid (who found a cow a decided immediately he was a vegetarian) will be found sipping straight vodka and going on about the good old days with people 8x his age as though he were some drunken world war 2 veteran.

#bruce wayne #richard grayson #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #duke thomas #damian wayne #Public persona #batfam #they were born to terrorise the rich #dc comics #brucie wayne #Tayson Jodd

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cryinginmyroomsposts · 6 months

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Stuck with me - Kim Seungmin

Pairing: Kim Seungmin x Reader

tags: fluff, clg bf Seungmin, popular singer boy seungmin, mention of previous breakup, oc gender not specifically mentioned, friends to lovers, puppy seungmin

a/n: not proofread, just trying to live my delulu through writing, Seungmin in glasses has been stuck in my head

masterlist

"You what?" Your voice comes out in a screech that turns many heads in the cafe you frequented often, like most other students from your university.

Seungmin, who stood in front of you, looking calm and gorgeous as ever stared back at you with a glint of amusement in his eyes.

"You heard me." He says in a cool way that throws you off more.

"I- I need a minute." You manage to let out and cover your head in your hands. The embarrassment from screeching in the middle of the cafe and the shock of what had just happened was all too much to take in at once. You need to breathe.

It was yet another normal weekday filled with assignments, delusional romcoms and endless caffeine ingestion. After a rough summer filled with heartbreak and a depressing start to the fall semester, you had finally gained your footing. The fall had brought with it a lot of changes in you.

You found new classmates who had helped you through the rough times and cared about you. Amongst those classmates was also Seungmin, the menace of the group but surprisingly your favourite confidante. He had been nothing but a little prankster and a comedian who ensured the other boys- Hyunjin, Changbin and Jeongin, never got a single second of peace.

He went a little easier on you and Ryujin, the other girl in the group, and you figured it had less to do with your gender and more to do with the fact that he was positively scared of both of you. While he had been a little less annoying with you, it didn't mean you were entirely free of the classic Seungmin pranks either.

Which is why your first instinct on b being asked out on a date by the Kim Seungmin was to believe he was pulling a prank on you.

Seungmin might be a comedian amongst his friends but you were very well aware of his status as the golden boy of the university's band and the boy with the golden voice. On top of that angelic voice, the boy also had a face that could make everyone melt. That smile had made your heart skip beats on several occasions too.

You had met him on a very surly day of your class during the first week of the semester to discuss forming project teams. What began as a purely academic bond evolved into a sureshot friendship as his friend group got acquainted with you and your friend. You had grown very fond of the boys as they helped you forget your pain.

Seungmin was the first one to reach out and notice your melancholy and something about him made you open up about your struggles. It had been two months since then and he had been your source of support through the entire time. While the other boys were also sweet and Ryujin was your primary pillar of support, Seungmin gave you a comfort that felt worlds apart from the others.

You had your fair share of childish fun with him too. You started to notice how he let only Jeongin and you tease him. Changbin and Hyunjin never stood a chance against Seungmin and despite the latter's fear of Ryujin's brash honesty, he never let her off the hook easily either. It was not exactly a surprise to realise that Seungmin had a soft spot for you.

The surprise was that he had walked into the cafe on a random Tuesday afternoon and chose to utter the words "Will you go on a date with me?" in the most nonchalant Seungmin way with absolutely no warning.

And an even bigger surprise was how your heart was skipping several beats on hearing it and your brain was practically shouting at you to say yes even though you had never let yourself think about Seungmin in that sense.

Correction- you had consciously tried your best to not let Seungmin and his actions, smile, voice, hair or even his pranks affect you in a romantic way. You had just come off a horrendous romantic experience that should keep you sworn off romance for a decade at the least. But you would be lying to yourself if you said you hadn't thought about being with Seungmin at least a couple hundred times in the last month alone.

It had all started with that dream. One cold October afternoon, you decided to make the mistake of taking a nap and ended up dreaming of cuddling with Seungmin while watching the snow from your window. The dream threw you off balance and ever since you have been trying and failing to remove Seungmin out of your mind. The random blushes creeping up your cheeks and a pang of jealousy weighing down your mind every time he performed on stage and you had to watch all the girls drool over him. It was all really frustrating, to have to act normally around him while convincing yourself that you are better off as friends.

Especially since he had started wearing his new prescription glasses and smiling at you randomly. Everything he did got magnified and took up extensive real estate in your brain. Each night you convinced yourself you don't have feelings for him and each morning he would do something so small that would have you fighting for your life trying not to melt.

And now he had the audacity to prank you with something as big as a date and you had no idea how to react.

You parted your hands from your face to look up at him through the gaps in your fingers to find him missing. This made you sit upright and look around, part of you hoping he had left and another part sighing in disappointment at the idea of it being a joke after all. But no, there he was, waiting in line at the counter for his order- which you knew was an iced americano, no sugar and extra ice. You watched as he politely thanked the lady who handed him a drink, then turned around and smiled at the group of freshman girls giggling at him. An involuntary eye-roll escaped and you turned toward your laptop waiting from him to take the seat opposite yours.

"So?" He says, placing his drink on the table and placing his hands on the table as he leans forward.

God, that smirk on his face made your stomach do a backflip.

"So what?" You forced yourself to look and sound as normal as possible. And judging by the smirk that has taken on residence on Seungmin's face you weren't doing the best job.

"Y/N, come on. Stop playing hard to get with me."

"Seungmin what the hell! Stop trying to play one of your stupid pranks on me." This broke his stance. His face turned from playful to serious and it only made your heart beat faster.

"I'm not playing pranks y/n. I am serious." And he looks it too. You gulp down the ball of anxiety forming in your throat.

"You want me to go on a date with you? For real?"

Seungmin flinches at your tone. "Is that really such a weird thought for you?"

The doubt flashing on his face tugs at your heart and you immediately leap to say "no".

This brings the faintest hint of a smile back on his face. He takes a sip out of his drink and says "So it's a yes?"

You say the only thing that comes to your mind at that moment. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?" Seungmin's voice is barely above a whisper.

"Why me? Why now?" Your voice falters at the thought of being vulnerable only for him to end up calling it a prank or a mistake. But the way his face softens at your question removes the worry from your mind. He reaches out and takes your hand in his. The butterflies are doing a full ballet routine in your stomach and your heart thrums in your ears in anticipation.

"Y/N, I knew you were dumb but never thought you were this dumb!" You pout in response and he chuckles. "Okay okay, I was joking. But what I mean to say is... I've liked you for a while now. So I thought I'll ask you out on a date, see if it is an infatuation or something more and then figure out what to do."

It was very Seungmin of him to say that.

"What about my feelings for you?" You questioned out of curiosity.

"That's obvious. You're already head over heels in love with me." He says it with a shrug and you remove your hand from his in frustration. "Ya Seungmin, do you have a death wish?" you exclaim and roll your eyes. Of course, you knew he was joking but your stomach still churned in anxiety.

"Jokes apart, I really do like you y/n and I hope you give me this chance to show it to you. I was waiting all this while for you to take your time after your breakup and move on. Yesterday when you said you didn't even think of any of that mess or feel sad anymore I decided it is time to make my move. And of course, there is no force on you and I won't hold it against you if you reject either. But I really hope you give me this chance. The semester is almost over and we can go on one small date during the break and then figure out everything else. Please?"

Everyone called Seungmin a puppy and you were wary of the nickname initially but at that moment he was looking at you with the softest eyes, lips in a pout and a questioning look that made him look like the cutest puppy on the planet.

His heartfelt confession gave rise to a gazillion butterflies and everything beautiful in your stomach. The big smile formed on your face involuntarily.

"Seungmin that was... cute", you said chuckling. "Who knew you could be this wholesome!"

His pout intensified. "Hey, I am very cute always. But the fact that you haven't slapped me yes makes me hope I might get a yes?" The last sentence sounds more like a question even to Seungmin and you let out another chuckle.

"Yes, Seungmin. I will go on a date with you. Just one though." You feign nonchalance but he sees right through you.

"Y/N, please! I know you are squealing with happiness on the inside right now."

"Yea sure, like I am one of your cringe fangirls ugh! I am just doing this as a favour to you."

"Ahha I see. How kind of you ma'am." He says with a mock bow while his face is glowing with joy.

"Ya stop teasing me or I will back out." The ultimatum sounds like a joke even to your own ears but you keep up the act for the fun.

"No, you're stuck with me now. No backing out!" He said with indignance.

"Do you mean just about the date?" The question left your mouth before your brain could understand it and you regretted it the instant his expression turned serious again.

Seungmin looks into your eyes for a moment too long before responding, "You're stuck with me. That's all."

And just like he leaves for his next class, leaving you to smile to yourself like an idiot. A ping from your phone distracts you.

Seungmin: I'd be wholesome to you forever if it meant seeing you smile like that.

You didn't know what the impending winter would bring but for now, you decided to bask in the happiness and this new facet of Seungmin.

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a-sip-of-milo · 7 months

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BPD Resources Masterlist

[NPD]

Creating this has made me realise just how much people underestimate/downplay the stigma surrounding BPD. It’s infuriating.

Anyway, here is the official resource masterlist for BPD. I will be adding to it as time goes on:)

BPD stigma

BPD stigma among clinicians

I have BPD and here’s 6 things I wish people understood

Mental health advocacy is pointless if you’ll support people with anxiety and depression but won’t support those with personality disorders

No I don’t need helping learning how to deal with a “borderline girlfriend”, I need help dealing with myself

Emotional abuse tag and BPD

The results when searching up how to manage BPD

BPD and suicide

Educating yourself on BPD

Basic info on BPD

NPD + BPD comorbidity

Why is it referred to as ‘borderline personality disorder’?

Facts vs. fiction about BPD

Living with BPD

BPD things that people don’t talk about enough

Loving with BPD is hard

Living, breathing, BPD

What it’s like living with BPD: a lived experience perspective

Managing BPD

Coping With BPD: DBT & CBT skills to soothe the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

The dialectal therapy skills workbook

A quick exercise: challenging self-hate

Different forms of therapy

Deep breathing gifs

Splitting with BPD

Chloe’s splitting checklist and reminders

What is splitting?

How I cope with splitting (written by someone with BPD)

BPD positivity so you don’t have to go looking

People with low/no empathy still have feelings

Several positive affirmations for people with cluster b disorders

If you have BPD, I love you

Some of the best people in my life are borderlines

You’re not a monster for having a personality disorder

So much love to my BPD bi boys out there

Positivity for systems with BPD

Positive traits of people with BPD

People with BPD deserve as much slack as neurotypicals

BPD safe blogs (also safe for cluster b disorders in general!)

@borderline-culture-is

@bpd00m

@citrine-rabbit

@cluster-b-culture-is

@gentle-positivity

@hellbrainspeaks

@your-fave-is-crippled

@mirroringshards

#bpd splitting #actually bpd #bpd stigma #actually borderline #actually neurodivergent #borderline things #cluster b #borderline personality disorder #cluster b safe #bpd #bpd stuff #bpd safe

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my-status-single · 27 days

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The One Where Peter Parker Has a Baby: Chapter 1

He’s four. His name is Ben. He’s with Happy. They won’t let him run to him. He’s four. His name is Ben. He’s with Happy. He can’t go to him. He’s four. His name is Ben. He’s safe with Happy. He’s safe. His name is Ben. He’s four. He’s Peter’s.

She had been pregnant.

It had been early.

So early that it had been months before she even realised. Half of the universe disappeared, Peter included.

And months later she had given birth to their son.

Their son.

Ben.

Fic Summary: Mostly canon compliant fic that centres around the relationship of Tony Stark's daughter and Peter Parker.

From the Author: This is a Peter Parker/Reader fic. It jumps back and forth between the "present" (after the blip is reversed) and the past (pre blip reversal). The main focus is Peter and our girl Y/N, but there will be exploration into other relationships as well. These include but are not limited to Tony/Steve Peter/Harley Harley/Harry Peter/Harley/Harry Steve/Bucky Tony/Stephen. Each chapter will have content warnings listed that are specific to the chapter just for added security, there will also be a summary of the chapter if the content is something you don't want to engage with but would like to continue to the next chapter. There will also be a comprehensive list of warnings. The severity of these topics varies from very intense to simply implied. Be sure to check the individual chapters for more detailed descriptions of how these themes are used.

Fic Content Warning: Underage sex, unplanned pregnancy, teen pregnancy, polyamoury, child abuse/neglect, parental death, suicide, self harm, Tony Stark in Endgame Chapter Word Count: 1743 Chapter Summary: This chapter sets up the premise of the story. Touches briefly on Peter and Y/N's relationship, as well as introduces us to Y/N's powers. Chapter Content Warning: Teen regnancy/unplanned pregnancy-We discover that Y/N was pregnant during the blip. Peter and Y/N are in high school at this point. Blip-The Blip is a part of this series, the way Peter was blipped is mentioned Mentions of anxiety/depression-It is implied that Y/N struggled/struggles with mental health Parental death (not Tony)-Peter has dead parents Descriptions of injuries-After the battle with Thanos many characters are injured, Tony and Y/N's are discussed Medical themes-Tony and Y/N are in a medical centre, Y/N is in a coma

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Please, if there is ever something in this or any of my fics that you feel needs a content warning, feel free to message me and I will make sure to add it. I want this to be a safe place for everyone.

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Ao3 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

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May 2023

Peter has known her for as long as he’s known anything.

Back before his parents died, they had been prominent members of the Oscorp Foundation. They worked directly with Norman, and so Peter grew up spending a lot of his time with Harry Osborn. Occasionally, though, there would be a collaboration between Oscorp and their largest competitor, Stark Industries. With S.I. came Tony Stark, and with Tony came his daughter.

She was about a year younger than him and Harry but she held her own just fine. She was smart as a whip and full of fire.

He’d been in love with her for longer than he knew what love was.

They had taken such a liking to each other that Tony made the effort to get them together as often as possible. Eventually, moving them to New York full-time after Peter’s parents died. Tony made an effort to keep up the relationship even then. He did it for his daughter; she’d become so attached to Peter. And he had done the same.

The sun rose and set with Y/N Stark as far as he was concerned.

The bond between them grew as they did. They became halves of the same whole. One rarely without the other. He held her when she sobbed, broken and exhausted, after spending the court-ordered time with her mother. She calmed his overloads after he was bit. They knew each other instinctually. Better than they knew themselves in some ways.

And yet, there was never anything romantic.

Until there was.

They both knew. When they’d grown old enough to understand what love, marriage, and dating were, they knew it was inevitable. That there was no Peter without y/n.

And that is a very daunting thing to face at such a young age.

And they understood that there would be no going back once they crossed that line.

They knew they would cross it eventually.

But they had all the time in the world to cross it. And now, when they were so perfect as friends, neither wanted to risk what they had.

And so they didn’t.

There was flirtation that couldn’t be helped. There were touches that toed the line between platonic and romantic, touches that lingered. Nights where they would fall asleep next to each other and wake up in a state where you couldn’t tell where one started and the other ended.

But it never went further.

Until it did

They were good kids, really. Good students, excelling in their studies, involving themselves in extracurriculars, making a difference in their community. They were good avengers as well. They weren’t officially on the team, certainly were never put in harms way. But Tony allowed them to patrol the city in the evenings, and to train with the team at the compound on the weekends. They excelled there too.

But everyone has times when they just need a break.

It happened the first time during one of those breaks

They had finished midterms, Natasha had been kicking their asses in training for the last month, they were tired.

And so they snuck into the hangar and hacked one of the jets. Because she could override her father’s protocols without even blinking. Spain. She had wanted to go to Spain. He’d remembered her talking about it, so he puts in the coordinates and settles in for the ride.

They’ve shared a room, a bed, countless times at this point and yet somehow this is different. Somehow this leads to their mouths on each other and their virginities lost to each other.

Things change after that.

It takes a while for them to get over it. To admit “I want you” and “I always have” and “I don’t want to wait anymore”. But once they do, once they allow those walls to be broken down they are inseparable.

The funniest thing about the whole ridiculous situation is their behaviour barely changes.

They simply kiss now. Because they already spent nights in the others bed, they already were always touching the other somehow, they already could read the others mind and anticipate their needs. So at school, no one noticed they were dating until Peter gave her a quick kiss before running off to some sort of internship activity.

Its been years now. They are perfect. Ideal. He loves her with everything in him.

And that’s why, when the invasion starts, he webs her to the bed so she can’t follow after him as he goes toward the battle.

Why he goes to the battle despite her screams, her begging, her pleading. Why his last words as he disintegrates in Tony’s arms, after pleading whispers of “I don’t want to go” are “I don’t want to leave her.”

He spends five years living a life with no memory of his previous one. No memory of her, of Tony, of Spiderman.

When the dust finally settles after that final battle, he’s the one screaming, begging pleading. Because his girl, his brilliant, beautiful, reckless girl, simply refused to let her father die.

She’s always had them. The powers, the enhancements, that were so graciously forced upon her by her mother.

She hated them, hated why she ended up with them. But they gave her the ability to save Tony’s life, despite it being at nearly at the cost of her own.

He’s held back, not sure by whom. He hears Steve yell for assistance to get them both off the battle field and to get them immediate medical assistance.

Her powers are…complicated.

Her ability to heal is incredible. Whether it be herself or others. But it comes at a cost.

Healing takes energy. She’s able to choose, when healing injuries, whether to use the injured person’s energy or her own. The severity of the wound would usually influence her decision.

She was comfortable using someone else’s energy for smaller things, scrapes, bruises, most of Peter’s injuries because of his own accelerated healing. But bigger things…she would use her own “Because I heal better” she would say.

Like after he’d taken the weight of a building their sophomore year, she’d used her own energy to heal that. He watched the colour drain from her face, watched slashes and bruises come and go across her skin, watched her exhaust herself right in front of him as the pain eased from his body.

After a fight like this neither had the energy to heal something as severe as this. But she did it anyway.

She does heal better. Quicker, more efficiently. It’s hard to leave any kind of mark on her because her body just rids itself of it.

So she lay in a hospital bed, half dead, as her body begins to repair what should be fatal.

Tony was exhausted, on the brink of death, he’d had nothing left to use up. She herself had been spent. So she took, and she gave. She gave what little energy she had left to Tony and took as much pain and damage from him as she could. Took as much as she could until her body gave out.

Tony woke later that night. Exhausted. Badly scarred. Weaker than Peter had ever seen him.

But alive.

Peter is sitting at her bedside now, holding her hand in his. Needing to feel that it’s warm, needing physical proof that she’s alive. He’s fading in and out of consciousness. Fighting sleep because he can’t risk something happening while he’s asleep. It would be a restless, nightmare filled sleep anyway.

“Tony, we shouldn’t be arguing about this; you’re exhausted; you need to rest. We can talk about this la-“ He can hear Steve’s voice in the next room.

“We’re talking about this now.” Tony responds.

Peter, even with his heightened senses, can barely hear him. He tries to tune them out, focusing instead on her heartbeat. A comforting, familiar sound that lulls him into a sense of security.

But the next words he hears make his blood run cold, and his head snap up.

“He’s my grandson. He’s likely scared. He can’t have his mother, so let me see him.” Tony sounds angry despite his severely weakened state.

“Tony…” Steve says gently. “Look at yourself. You’ll only scare him more. He’s my grandson too. Let me look after him.”

Peter takes a moment.

Grandson.

Tony has no biological children other than y/n. There is Harley…a boy Peter’s age that Tony had taken in when they were thirteen. They’d been fast friends. And…maybe Harley could have had a child in the five years Peter had been gone…except he’d been in the same place as Harley for the last five years, and there was no child.

So…so that must mean that y/n had…that she’d had a child.

Sometime in the last five years she’d moved on…gotten pregnant…had a baby? He shakes his head, his chest aches. His feet move before he’s fully aware of it. He walks into Tony’s room. He stands there silently, until Steve notices him.

“Peter.” He whispers, a sigh in his voice.

Peter laughs weakly, tears on his cheeks that have no right to be there. It had been five years, he had no right to have expected her to wait five years. “I um…” He clears his throat, sniffing. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…it’s just so quiet here.” He says quietly.

“Kid ther-“ Tony starts but Peter holds up a hand.

“Don’t…don’t. It’s okay. You don’t need to defend…just…if there’s a way I can help? I could call his father, if someone hasn’t already or…or go pick up anything that he might need…or…or I can fuck off if you think that would be bett-“

“Peter.” Tony says as firmly as he’s capable of. Peter looks up. “Come sit. We need to talk.” He says, gentler now.

She had been pregnant.

It had been early.

So early that it had been months before she even realised. Half of the universe disappeared, Peter included.

And months later she had given birth to their son.

Their son.

Ben.

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lostbetweenvampiresandmusic · 1 month

Note

Prompt request- 6 and 18?

6. Why are you completely drenched?

18. Is he always like this?

I hope you like this!💜

-------------------------------

The store was quiet tonight. Usually, it was filled with young teens trying to decide what movie to watch or young couples in search of a good flick to put on. Now, it was quiet. The only noise audible was the static coming from the dozen television screens showing clips from several movies.

It was weird for it to be so quiet on a Friday night, but in all honesty, I couldn't really be bothered. Maybe if it stayed this quiet, I could go home early and have some time for myself. I sighed as I leaned on the counter, staring at the boardwalk. The sign on the door clearly said open - on the right side, I checked that one twice already - and even the door was propped open. The boardwalk itself was quite busy, but hardly anyone even looked towards the store. I sighed as I flipped through a magazine, finding the reason: some big-time artist was performing down the beach. That explained a lot. It would also mean that afterwards it would get busy.

"Jesus, you look like a walking depression!"

I looked up with an annoyed glare. Paul stood in the doorway, blocking any potential customer from entering.

"I do not. I look like an exhausted and bored customer service worker."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

I laughed, causing him to grin. He stepped into the store, a loud sloshing sound following him with every step he took. I frowned, looking at him.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." He shrugged. I looked at him, then at his clothes and realised in the bright light of the store that he was soaking wet.

"Why are you completely drenched?" I asked, slightly panicking. Max would not be happy with this...

"I fell in the ocean."

"You fell? In the ocean?"

He nodded, jumping up to sit on the counter. I quickly pushed him off, earning an annoyed 'Hey!'.

"No, listen - you get the whole store wet, and I am the one that gets to clean it and gets to deal with an angry Max."

"He wouldn't get angry with you."

"He would, Paul. Either get out of the store or help dry everything off."

"I'll go!"

With that, he left, leaving a long wet trail behind. I sighed as I searched in the back for a mop and a bucket. That asshole. Sure, I was no longer bored, but I preferred being bored over cleaning up someone else's mess. I found the mop in the corner of the broomcloset and made my way back out on the floor. With an annoyed and tired sigh, I got to work, quickly cleaning up the wet footprints.

"Have you seen Paul?"

I jumped, almost kicking the bucket I'd used to empty the mop in over the floor. David stood in front of me.

"Hold on," I said as I grabbed the bucket and placed it on the counter, quickly calming myself down. It was a miracle how someone who wore that kind of boots could make so little noise.

"Well?"

"Yeah. He was here."

"What did he do this time?"

He must have picked up on my mood - although that wasn't that difficult to do. I motioned towards the - clean - wet floor and the mop leaning against the counter.

"Is he always like this?" I asked. Surely, he wasn't, right?

"Chaotic and an asshole?"

"You said it, not me."

"He is."

I nodded. It was good to know that I wasn't anything personal anyway.

"He's also very adamant to visit you every night."

"I see all of you each night." I countered - they always came in to bother Max.

"He comes in for you."

"Why?"

"Ask him. Not my thing to tell."

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "You're just as much an asshole as he is, you know that?"

David just grinned, a sudden unpredictability in his eyes. "I'm worse, darling."

I shivered. "Well, if you do find Paul, could you tell him to come back?"

David nodded as he lit a cigarette. I decided not to mention anything about it. That was a Max problem - if he didn't want anyone to smoke in his store, he should enforce that rule with the most problematic customers, and not the customer service worker working for a minimum wage.

He left the store, and I finished cleaning up Paul's mess. It got me wondering, though, why was he so adamant about coming here each night and talking to me? None of the other boys really paid much attention, but Paul? Besides the obvious tomfoolery in his act, he was quite sweet. One time, he'd gotten me dinner when he realised I forgot to eat. He always checked up on me, even stepped in one time when I had a difficult customer. And I always did like to see him. It did cheer me up. It did make me feel more relaxed. So, I thought to myself, if he comes in here and I ask him why and he tells me he likes me - maybe I actually like him too?

#the lost boys #marko #david #paul #dwayne #tlb #the lost boys 1987 #tlb 1987 #star #the lost boys x reader #paul tlb #paul x reader #tlb david

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dryococelas01 · 1 year

Text

As a worm fan I have to speak up about the best character in worm, the greatest hero in worm, a tragic and severely underappreciated character (I've seen like 1 fanfic with him in. And it was a pretty mediocre one imo) and a character I seem to be the only fan of.

The most powerful man in the world. Kevin Norton.

This is gonna be a big ramble and I have not planned this out and it's gonna contain a shit ton of worm spoilers so ignore if you don't want to be spoiled.

And considering its involved in his backstory, trigger warning for homophobia, rape, homelessness, and partner abuse.

Kevin Norton, unhoused gay English man.

We get 2 versions of Kevin's backstory, the one he tells Lisette and the one from scions interlude.

I'm pulling this from memory so please forgive me for errors.

To her he says essentially he went to college, got a girlfriend. Lived with her for a while, and eventually realised he was gay. When he informed his girlfriend it didn't go well, got abusive, and eventually he left, to live on the streets. There he, eventually, found Scion (and Duke, his dog, the more important character). Scion at the time wasn't exactly a hero. He had healed Vikare and his sister and he definitely wasn't a villain, he just sortof floated around. Kevin goes off on him about all Kevin's been through, how dare he look sad etc. And tells him to help people. And Scion listens, and begins to help. Later he meets with Scion a few more times, to talk to him.

Then there's scions interlude. Its about the same, with one slight difference. He explicitly mentions that he has been raped. I don't believe, off the top of my head, that it's made explicit it was his former girlfriend, but l feel that's very obvious.

I live in Britain, and I've seen a lot of people on the streets like Kevin. I doubt any of them are talking to alien god beings but many of them are on the streets for very similar reasons to Kevin. LGBTQ+ people get kicked out a lot when they come out, many do end up on the street like Kevin when the homophobia from their family or partners becomes too much. There are also a lot of people with abusive partners who end up on the street, or who, upon realising they are LGBTQ+, get a very negative response.

He is a character who's suffering a lot. But, and I don't phrase it like this to minimise it, it is a mundane sort of suffering. He didn't end up on the street because Behemoth sent a lightning bolt through his house, or the slaughterhouse nine altered his face to look like Jack Slashes, or even a possible but still unusual form of suffering like Taylors locker.

The tale of Kevin Norton (minus scion) is one that no doubt countless people are going through now. And I know it's kinda tiring that a lot of stories of LGBTQ+ people revolve around our suffering, but idk, I'm fine with it here.

And yet, and this is the thing that sticks in my brain and makes him so intriguing to me, he doesn't ask Scion to fix it. Kevin Norton dies of a disease (cant remember which), and he knows Scion could cure it. The first thing he did was cure a man's cancer. And Scion could easily give him whatever he needs to live, whether directly with his powers or by just yknow, asking Scion to take him to a nearby hero team and going 'hey, I command Scion and made him a hero, I've saved millions of lives through this, can I have a house'.

So... why doesn't Kevin ask for that.

There's 2 answers I can think of, the selfless (but still kinda depressing) and the full on depressing.

The first is that he recognises scion has so many people to save and doesn't want him wasting time he could be spending saving 10 peoples lives to help him live better. In this interpretation, Kevin has made his peace with living on the street, and with his eventual death.

The second is that Kevin Norton is tired. He has suffered a lot, he has lived on the street for years, he has borne the emotional burden of being the man who commands the strongest hero in the world, and he has discovered that he could have done so much more, if he had just phrased things differently. In this interpretation, Kevin Norton just doesn't want to go on.

There's other possible interpretations, but in truth I think it lies somewhere between these.

There's something tragic about him that captures me. The greatest hero in the world, who has likely saved more people than any member of the triumvirate, and he likely dies alone, bar perhaps his dog, with only one other person knowing what he did. His last act as a hero, is to pass on the torch, an act he clearly feels guilty about, knowing the burden its been for him.

And that's captivating to me. And I don't know if I've even fully explained why.

I like to think he died after hearing of Behemoths death. He would know he had fixed his mistake, and performed a last, great act of heroism.

And there's something to say about how, for only a small kindness of money and a few minutes, he made Lisette the most powerful woman in the world. I try, when I can, to give money and time to the people I see on the streets. But I don't always have money, or time, and whenever I walk away I always feel a great amount of guilt. I'd like to think the little helps I give make as big an impact as Lisettes to Kevin's, but I doubt it. We don't have alien god beings.

Perhaps his rant to Scion was unfair. He didn't know Scions perspective or history. Scion could have suffered a lot. But it was very real. An outburst of a man so powerless and suffering to one who seems to have all the power in the world and is doing nothing with it. There's something about that that resonates with me, despite having had a pretty privileged life myself.

Speaking of privilege, this is sortof a tacked on note but there's something interesting to note about the stories 2 more impactful (in setting) gay male characters.

We have Legend and Norton.

Legend has a lot of power and influence, he has a husband and an adopted son. He definitely suffers from homophobia, not taking that away from him, but he lives pretty well. His suffering doesn't come from his living situation, but from external forces: Endbringers, supervillains, the weight of the entity over his head, the lies of his teammates etc. He has done good. He has saved many.

Norton suffers because of his living situation. He suffers very directly from homophobia, as essentially the cause of his living situation. Other than Scion he likely hasn't really been directly impacted by Cape stuff much. He has done good, he has saved many.

They both have such drastically opposite lives, and you can see it in their relationship to the being that plays an important part in both their stories. Scion. To Kevin he's a seemingly mentally broken man who has saved thousands under his direction. To Legend he's a Venus fly trap, an entity appearing heroic waiting to destroy hundreds.

Under a certain perspective, you could argue both are right.

You could also make a point about how privilege can shield you from some of the worst impacts of homophobia and seeing that by comparing them etc etc but I find such conversations often end up being very dismissive and suffering Olympicsy, and don't feel entirely qualified to talk about it as I am a not out trans woman, not a gay man, and only know about that effect of privilege in relation to homophobia second hand, from discussions other people have had. If other people want to talk about that who have more experience there, feel free.

There's more to say about these two characters, but I can't grasp it right now.

One last point I want to make.

Fiction... does not treat people living on the streets very well. It would have been very easy to have Kevin being a raving man, wearing a tinfoil hat and ranting about how powerful he is. And many other stories would have.

And to a degree, he does initially come off as such, and it appears that Lisette, for a moment, thinks he is after hearing him talk about being The Most Powerful Man and so on.

But he isn't. We get in his head and he's never treated as anything but a human being in a terrible situation.

I don't know what else to say about this part of it other than that his interlude is very well done, and while there's a lot you can, and people have, say about how Wildbow handles certain subjects, I think he did well here.

Also he has a cute loyal dog and one of the best interludes in worm.

I stan Kevin Norton

#worm web serial #wildbow #parahumans #worm parahumans #wormblr #worm #Kevin norton #worm scion #scion

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fortheloveofwonderland · 9 months

Text

Me & You & Everyone We Know | Chapter 13 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary - You and Spencer finally decide to go your separate ways but life keeps forcing you back together. Daisy and Penelope help Spencer take steps towards moving on.

Pairing - Single Dad! Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - hurt/comfort, angst with happy ending, smut minors DNI.

A/N - the scene of their actual break up is short because I didn’t think it needed dragging out. It’s clear why they are splitting up and I feel a quick break would have been easier on them rather than dragging everything up again.

Warnings - break ups, brief mention of canon shootings, tears, talk of depression and sadness, Spencer tries to be honest with Daisy, cute domestic moments, Spencer gets nostalgic, very brief mentions of sexual activity.

WC - 5.4k

Chapter 13 - Life Ain’t Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful,

You think you're on your way,

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.

But the struggles makes you stronger,

And the changes make you wise,

And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time.

You weren’t entirely surprised to find a dishevelled looking Spencer on your doorstep. He knew he’d messed up and he knew simply calling you wasn’t enough.

You didn’t invite him in, instead the two of you sat on the front steps of your apartment building in uncomfortable silence while you waited for him to say something.

He stared at the pavement, not looking at you because if he did he might break down. He needed to say what he’d come here to say.

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it and I know that.” He finally spoke after several minutes of quiet. “Honestly I don’t even know what to say. I hide my feelings so well that I even forget about them sometimes. I wish it hadn’t come out the way it did but I can’t change that now.”

You stayed silent, not really having anything to say to him so you didn’t speak. Spencer sighed, his whole body going rigid as he breathed in and deflating as he breathed out.

“I did love my wife, of course I did. And despite everything, I still love her. But that’s incredibly confusing for me because I also love you.” He glanced up at you now and you could see in his eyes the way this was tearing him apart.

Under any other circumstances hearing Spencer Reid tell you he loved you would have elicited feelings of joy and elation. But not like, this wasn’t how you wanted to hear it. You inhaled sharply, nodding slowly at his words.

“I think you need to deal with whatever residual emotions you’ve been harbouring for her before you jump into something else. I don’t want to be someone’s second choice, Spencer.” You chewed the inside of your cheek as a way of trying to stem your tears.

“You deserve better than that.” He agreed. “I need to work on some things. I just wish I’d realised that before I met you.” His eyes swam with tears. “This is over isn’t it?”

“I think it has to be.” You nodded sadly.

“I’m so sorry I dragged you into this mess. For what it’s worth I wanted this to work out, I really did. But I think I always knew that my heart wasn’t fully mine to give away.” He managed to keep his tears at bay but they were still hindering his vision.

“Me too.” You replied simply, not having much else to say.

After that the two of you fell into silence on your front steps. The weight of the end hung heavy on you both. Neither of you wanted this to be over but both understood it had to be.

You stayed like this for a while, silently relishing in the company you’d grown so fond of and knowing it would soon be over.

After a while he left, simply waving at you as he descended the stairs to the street. You waved back and watched him go.

The second he was out of sight you missed him.

***

The moment he walked away was the moment he knew he’d made a mistake.

Dragging himself down your front steps and sliding into his car, starting the engine and pulling away from the curb, caused him more pain than he’d ever felt in his whole life.

It started as a dull ache in his chest as he merged onto the street, heading steadily down your block before taking the first left.

It grew it from an ache to a stabbing pain by the time he was a mile or so away from your apartment building.

By the time he pulled the car to a stop outside of Maeve and Bobby's, his entire body felt numb and as though it was on fire all at once.

He never thought he could feel pain like this, didn’t believe anything could hurt him the way Maeve’s affair had. Yet here he was, the agony ripping through his body like a flame's fierce talons, shredding, tearing, melting away every little piece of him until he was nothing but dust and ashes.

It reminded him of being shot, in the knee, in the neck; wherever. Except this was like being shot right through the heart over and over in quick succession, by a gun with a never ending chamber of bullets.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. How could losing someone he’d only known a few months be more painful than finding out of his wife’s infidelity?

Maybe he was feeling everything all at once. Perhaps now he’d confronted his emotions towards Maeve and lost you in the space of twenty four hours the loss had combined itself.

He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he was in more pain than he’d ever experienced before in his entire life. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like every small movement sent shockwaves through his entire body.

He only realised when he switched off the engine and caught a glimpse of himself in the rear view mirror that he was crying.

He couldn’t face his girls like this but he also couldn’t snap himself out of it. This wouldn’t do, he couldn’t be around his daughters in this state, they deserved more from him.

He pulled his cell phone from his pocket with a shaky hand and dialled her number. It rang twice before she answered.

“Spencer, hi.” She swallowed as she spoke.

“Uh…could you have the girls one more night?” He tried his best to keep the emotion from his voice.

He glanced up at the house, saw movement in a window and hoped she didn’t know he was outside.

“Is everything ok?” Maeve’s voice had a frown to it.

“I just…I’m not good.” He croaked. “I can’t…can’t explain. Please? I’ll pick them up from school tomorrow. I just can’t…can't see me like this.”

There were a few moments of silence down the line and he saw the curtains twitch upstairs. A sliver of her face appeared through the crack, looking down on his car on the side of the road.

As soon as she appeared she vanished again, the only thing telling him he hadn’t imagined it was the swaying of the curtains.

“Ok.” She replied eventually. “Of course I can have them another night.”

“Th-thank you.” He wrestled with a sob, knowing Maeve heard it down the phone.

“Take care of yourself Spencer.” She whispered.

His hand holding the phone gripped it tighter for a moment while the tears heavily flooded down his face.

“I’ll try.” He closed his eyes, slapping his other hand against the steering wheel. “Bye.”

He hung up swiftly, stuffing the device back inside his pocket and starting up the engine. He rubbed his eyes with his palms to try and rid them of tears enough for him to drive.

He didn’t stop crying the entire drive back to Virginia, couldn’t even if he wanted to. He parked on the drive and slumped out of the car, dragged himself up the steps and entered his home.

Another couch cushion lay in tatters on the floor, the scruffy dog rolling around joyfully in its debris.

Spencer simply rolled his eyes and headed past the stupid mutt towards the stairs.

It was still early but it didn’t stop him stripping down and getting into bed. He hoped it would stop the urge to go out and replenish his alcohol supply.

He’d left the door open a crack and it wasn’t all that long before he heard a snuffling by the door and then it creaked open a few inches. Seconds later a ball of grey matted fur leapt onto his bed.

He groaned at the dog but Taco didn’t even seem to notice as he turned around several times, finding the most comfortable spot, before flopping down on the mattress.

“This is not your bed.” Spencer’s voice was barely a whimper. “Goddamnit you’re a pain in my ass.”

Taco huffed out a breath as if he could understand Spencer’s words and his eyes started to flutter closed.

Spencer didn’t have the energy to forcibly remove the dog from his room so he ignored him instead, rolling away from him and onto his side.

He tucked one arm between his pillows and closed his own eyes. Sleep would be far out of reach but nonetheless he squeezed his eyes tightly shut and hoped to be sucked into unconsciousness.

Taco was already snoring behind him, not a care in the world to keep him awake. But for Spencer, sleep was but a pipe dream.

He laid awake for hours, images of the last day swirling behind his closed lids. When he did eventually fall asleep it was fretful at best and didn’t last long.

By the time the sun rose he felt less rested than he had before he went to bed. He called in sick to work, not able to face the outside world today.

He’d have to surface eventually, pick himself up and piece himself back together in time to collect the girls from school. He had to be ok. He needed to be ok for them.

Even if he would never be ok again for himself.

***

“Hey dad?”

The voice snapped away from his computer screen for the first time in hours. His eyes were dry and had to blink a few times to be able to focus on his eldest daughter in the doorway of his office.

“Hey pumpkin. Oh sorry, am I allowed to call you that?” He pushed his chair back a little as she came further into the room.

“When my friends aren’t around you can.” Daisy shrugged.

“Fair enough.” He glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen, frowning a little at the time. “It’s almost midnight, why are you awake?”

“Why are you awake?” She deflected.

“Touché.” He laughed.

She moved further into the room and dropped down into the chair on the other side of his desk.

She’d been quiet since he’d picked the girls up from school, clearly annoyed she had to spend another night at her moms.

“Thank you for the party by the way. I had a really great time.” She toyed with the sleeve of her pyjama top.

“It was really all your moms idea. It’s her you should be thanking.”

This caused Daisy to wrinkle her nose and furrow her brows.

“I don’t believe you.” She huffed.

“I know you’re not happy with your mom right now, Daisy but that doesn’t stop her loving you. She heard you talking about a pool party, she asked grandpa Dave if you and your friends could use his house. I had nothing to do with it.” It pained him to admit as much.

Daisy huffed again, rolling her lip between her teeth the same way Spencer did when he was contemplating something.

“I’m still mad at her.” She grumbled.

“And that’s ok, you’re allowed to be angry, pumpkin but you’ve got to try and cut her some slack.” He leant his elbows on his desk.

“I’ll try.” She shrugged.

“That’s all I ask.” He smiled softly at her.

“Mom said you were sick. Are you feeling better?” She changed the subject, clearly not wanting to prolong a conversation about her mom.

“Kinda.” He nodded.

“You don’t look sick.” She scrutinised him with her eyes, the eyes that were so much her mothers.

Spencer chuckled, sitting back in his chair again.

“You’re too smart for your own good.” He laughed, knowing she wouldn’t drop it and wondering how honest to be with her. “I guess it wasn’t so much a physical kind of sickness, more mental.”

She furrowed her brows again, he could practically see the cogs turning in her head.

“Dad, are you depressed?”

“Uh…” he frowned, shaking his head. “Maybe, in a sense.”

“I thought you said you were happy?”

“I am, most of the time, sweetheart. But I just had a bad few days and I didn’t want you girls to see me sad.”

“Why were you sad? Was it because of mom?”

Goddamnit, he sighed. He always knew his brain would turn against him one day but not like this.

He’d made a child who was way too smart for her age, not as smart as he was at fourteen but incredibly intelligent nonetheless. Daisy was curious and inquisitive and she got that from him.

“It’s complicated.” He shrugged.

“Adults always say that.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m fourteen, dad, I’m not a little kid.”

He pushed himself up from the chair and rounded the desk, kneeling on the floor in front of Daisy, smoothing her hair back from her face.

“When your mom left I focused myself on you and your sister, making sure the two of you were ok but I never really let myself grieve the loss of my marriage. I guess it’s been catching up on me lately.” He kept his hand on her cheek.

“You miss her?” She asked softly.

“I do.” He confessed.

“But she hurt you.”

“Like I said, it’s complicated. Me and your mom had some great times together Daisy. Yes she hurt me but we had some really good times. I miss those, I miss us being a family.”

“I do too.” She agreed. “I thought your new girlfriend made you happy?”

He tried to hide the way her words felt like a sucker punch to his gut as he sat back on his haunches.

“I…well I don’t think that’s going to work out.”

“Did she break up with you?” Daisy pouted a little.

“Not exactly…we, uh, it was a mutual decision. It wasn’t the right time.” He got back up to his feet and Daisy stood too. She quickly threw herself into Spencer’s arms.

“I love you dad.” She said as she snuggled against his chest.

“I love you too, pumpkin.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her.

“You’ll find someone who makes you happy again.” She spoke against the fabric of his shirt.

He exhaled a long and shaky breath as he held his daughter. Even if the rest of his life was a mess, he always had his girls. Daisy and Lily were the one thing in his life he’d done right.

“You and your sister make me happier than you’ll ever know. The two of you are all I need.” It wasn’t strictly true, but for the most part it was.

It would be nice to have someone to share his life with again but as long as he had Daisy and Lily then he would consider himself a very lucky man.

When the hug ended he tucked her hair behind her ears and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Time for bed now, missy. It’s late and you have school in the morning.” He gently turned her by the shoulders towards the door.

“Only if you go to bed too.” She spoke before she reached the door.

“I’m an adult, I can go to bed when I like.”

“You have work in the morning though, so if I have to go to bed, so do you.” She folded her arms in defiance.

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes, not feeling much like arguing with a fourteen year old.

He opened the door and switched out the light, motioning Daisy towards her room. As she reached for her door handle he found himself speaking again.

“Hey Daisy?”

“Yes dad?” She looked at him over her shoulder.

“How would you feel about moving house? We wouldn’t go far, you wouldn’t need to change schools or anything I just think…I feel like…” he trailed off, not quite sure how to finish that sentence.

Daisy smiled at him and came back towards him, reaching up and grasping his shoulders.

“Mom left over a year ago, I think it’s time dad.” She spoke softly.

“When did you get so grown up?” He sighed wistfully. “So you’d be ok with it?”

“If it’ll make you happy again, sure.” She nodded, letting him go and heading back to her room. “G’night dad.”

“Goodnight pumpkin.” He stayed in the corridor until she was in her room with the door closed.

He inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly through his nose. As he turned back towards his room he heard a door open. He rolled his eyes.

“Daisy I thought we agreed…” he trailed off as he turned around and came face to face with his youngest, looking up at him through sleepy eyes.

“I heard voices.” Lily croaked, rubbing one eye with her fist.

“Sorry pumpkin, we didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”

“I need a story first.” She whined a little.

“Fine,” Spencer sighed, knowing arguing would take longer than just reading her story.

He headed towards her room but she was shaking her head.

“No, in your room!” She pouted.

Spencer grumbled under his breath but knew resistance was futile.

“Go and grab a book and meet me in my room. Hurry though, it’s late.” He shooed her towards her room.

She squealed excitedly before running back to her room. Spencer turned and walked to his own room, stripping off his shirt but leaving on the white tee he wore underneath.

He was dropping to his mattress when the door opened again and Lily barrelled in, Taco close behind.

Lily jumped on the bed next to him, handing him the book while Taco leapt up and curled into a ball at Spencer's feet.

Lily shuffled close to him, he held his arm out for her to snuggle into him. She rested her head on his chest and he held her by her shoulders.

With his free hand he opened the book but before he could begin, the door opened again. Spencer glanced up to see Daisy tentatively enter his room.

“Can I join in?” She asked somewhat bashfully.

“You’re not too old for story time?” He smiled at her.

“No.” She shook her head.

“Come up here then.” He patted the space on the mattress on his other side.

Daisy beamed and ran over to the bed, throwing herself down next to Spencer, curling into him and laying on his chest much like Lily.

He had an arm around each girl, trying to hold the book open, precariously balancing it on his stomach.

“One story and then we’re all going to sleep ok?” He told them both.

“Promise!” Lily giggled.

“Me too.” Daisy agreed.

Spencer started to read. The warmth from his daughter’s radiated through him, the feeling of them so close, their heads on his chest was such a magical feeling.

Lily was the one who started dozing off first, he heard her breathing getting drawn out but Daisy wasn’t far behind.

He didn’t make it to the end of the book before his eyes started fluttering too.

It had been a particularly hard few days for Spencer, but now as he started drifting off to sleep with his girls in his arms, none of that mattered.

As long as he had Daisy and Lily and moments like this, what more could he possibly need?

***

Waking up with his daughters still cuddled against him started Spencer’s day off with a smile.

They both grumbled as his alarm rudely awoke them and he had to free his arm from beneath Daisy's head so he could shut it off.

He kissed them both on the crown before helping them up right and motioning them off to shower and dress for school.

After showering and dressing himself he made the girls breakfast, dropped them at school before dropping Taco at the kennel and continuing the drive to work.

It was only when he was alone in his car that his happiness started to fade as he thought about the possibility of bumping into you.

He wondered if you noticed he wasn’t there yesterday and if you did, if you’d realised it was because of you.

He had an overwhelming urge to turn the car around and go home, maybe spend the entire day in bed wallowing again.

But he had to see you eventually. With any luck he’d be able to avoid you.

But apparently luck wasn’t on his side.

He arrived at his office to find you leaning up against the wall next to his door. He kept his eyes down while he fumbled with his keys, trying to pretend he didn’t see you.

“Feeling better?” Your tone wasn’t as sweet as usual, he heard your frustration laced in your words.

“Uh yeah. Thanks. Must have been like a twenty four hour bug thing.” He got the door unlocked and headed inside, you followed him. “Is there something I can help you with?”

You rolled your eyes, folding your arms across your chest.

“Do you read your emails?” You clucked, clearly not happy about having to converse with him.

“Yes?” He frowned.

“Clearly not.” You scoffed. “Monroe is out sick, like actually sick not whatever you claim to have been. He’s gonna be gone for at least a week. So I’m your new TA for the time being.”

“I don’t need a TA.” He shook his head.

“Too bad. I’m not letting our break up get in the way of my career. So get over it.” You spat.

“Super,” Spencer rounded his desk. “Just super.”

So much for avoiding you.

He slid into the chair behind his desk and you took a seat on the other side. He slid a stack of paper towards you without looking at you.

“You can read over these papers until class starts. I haven’t gotten around to grading them and I’d like to hear your input.” He spoke, grabbing his own pile.

You nodded but didn’t speak, picking up the first paper from the stack and starting to read. Spencer did the same only he couldn’t concentrate with you sitting on the other side of his desk.

He felt like he was being punished by the universe. What had he done that was so terrible that this was his cosmic retribution?

He sighed to himself, turning away from the papers and switching on his computer. He pulled up his work emails and low and behold there was one waiting for him from yesterday regarding Monroe’s absence and your appointment to be his TA in the interim.

He flicked through a few more emails before pulling up the web browsing and typing in the address for a local realtor.

He looked up homes in his neighbourhood and price range while you continued to read through student papers.

He didn’t look at you once. And you returned the favour.

***

By the end of the week Spencer was more than ready for the weekend. He’d had to spend nearly every minute of his work days with you and the two of you had only exchanged a handful of words.

On Friday afternoon he sent you home with a pile of papers he’d already graded for you to look over.

Spending that much time around you and not being able to talk to you like he used to was as exhausting as it was heartbreaking. Whenever you looked at him it was with disdain, when you spoke he heard the hurt in your voice.

Spencer wanted nothing more than to be the person to take away your pain, not be the one to cause it. Simply being work colleagues wasn’t enough.

But he’d made his bed and he had to lie in it.

With any luck Monroe would be back on Monday and if he wasn’t then there was only one week left of the semester anyway. He just had to make it through one more week.

Perhaps if he wasn’t seeing you everyday, when he could put some distance between you for the summer, it would help to mend his shattered heart. Maybe by the time September rolled around the two of you would be able to be friends.

As much as he would miss you during the summer he knew it was for the best, he needed to heal and he needed to focus on his girls.

Just one more week.

By the time the weekend came he’d already had a few realtors around to value his home and on Saturday Lily spent the afternoon with Kristy and the Simmons two girls while Spencer went to look at potential new houses.

He’d tried to get Daisy to stay with her sister but she’d been adamant about helping him choose their new home. Admittedly he did need all the help he could get.

So with that in mind he’d asked Penelope to come along too. The bubbly blonde had been more than happy to house hunt with him and spend more time with her goddaughter.

The three of them looked at six houses in the neighbourhood and each one of them Spencer had turned his nose up at. Every positive thing Penelope or Daisy had to say about them, Spencer countered with something negative.

After the sixth house he’d snubbed, they went for coffee before the final viewing of the day. Penelope and Daisy looked, quite rightly, fed up, while they drank their respective drinks and ate slices of pie.

“Remind me again what was wrong with number three?” Garcia asked, snapping Spencer’s attention away from the printout he’d been looking at for the next and final house they were going to see.

“It was too…bright.” He shrugged, picking up his mug and taking a sip of coffee.

“What’s wrong with bright?” Daisy spoke with a mouthful of blueberry pie.

“It was airy, there’s nothing wrong with it being airy.” Garcia stirred her tea.

“What about that last one? The bedrooms were huge! So much bigger than my bedroom now.” Daisy grinned.

“The yard was tiny.” Spencer scoffed.

“The yard was not tiny.” Penelope rolled her eyes.

“It’s smaller than my yard now. And we have a dog, remember?” Spencer looked back at his printout.

“You have a very small dog who does not need a huge yard.” Penelope sighed deeply. “Spence, what’s really going on? All six of those houses were lovely.”

Spencer looked back up and swallowed, glancing between Penelope and Daisy. Daisy huffed out a breath, knowing exactly what that look meant.

He had something to say that he didn’t want to say in front of her. She got the hint, pushed her chair back and stood up.

“I need to use the bathroom.” She didn’t, but if Penelope could talk some sense into him maybe she wouldn’t have to keep looking at houses with her dad until she was fifty years old.

Daisy took her leave and Spencer sighed as he watched her go.

“I know Daisy seems ok with this, but is she really? And Lily? I haven’t stopped to ask Lily about this. Am I really going to pull them away from their childhood home? They grew up in that house, I just don’t know if this is a good idea. I don’t think they’re ready.” He shook his head, picking his coffee mug back up.

“They aren’t ready, or you aren’t?” Garcia raised an eyebrow at him over her bright blue framed glasses.

“Why wouldn’t I be ready? It was my idea.” He scoffed, looking away from her which told her he was lying.

“Spence, it’s ok to be unsure about this. It’s a big deal, moving out of that house that you and Maeve brought together.” She spoke softly, she hoped encouragingly.

When Spencer’s eyes landed back on her they looked a little misty.

“It shouldn’t be a big deal.” He croaked. “She cheated on me, I should want to get out of that house, right?”

“Emotions are complicated, boy wonder.” She shrugged meekly.

His lip twitched a little at the corner at her use of his nickname. She’d called him it since they’d met, when he was a fresh faced twenty something. Now in his mid forties with two kids, it felt strange still being called it. But he enjoyed it anyway.

“If I move,” he took a sip of coffee, perhaps trying to buy himself some time. “I have to pack up that house, go through all the memories. There are boxes of stuff in the attic, photo albums, Maeve kept boxes of ticket stubs and receipts from movies and dinners we went to that I’m pretty sure are up there somewhere. All the kids baby stuff from back when things were good between us.

And then there’s other stuff. In the kitchen there’s a red wine stain behind the fridge. We only moved it there to cover the mark. It was our eighth wedding anniversary and JJ had the girls and we came home from dinner and got a little…frisky. I got carried away and spilled her wine everywhere.

In the living room there’s a mark on the wall behind the coat stand from where I’d just gotten home from work one day, back when I worked at the BAU and the kids were asleep. She, uh, surprised me by dropping to her knees while I was still in the doorway and I reached out to grab something and knocked the coat rack over, which in turn knocked over a photo and marked the wall.

There’s scuffs on the wall behind the headboard from…well I think that’s pretty explanatory. There’s other things too, not all sexual. There’s a dent behind a painting in the hall from where she threw her shoe at me during a fight, stuff like that.

But it’s all memories, you know? Memories I thought we’d look back on together when we were old and Daisy and Lily had moved out. I never expected it to be like this, and the thought of moving out and having to face all that on my own…”

He finally trailed off, surprising Garcia with his honesty. She hadn’t expected any of that, thought he might skirt around the issue. For a moment she found herself speechless by what he’d said, but she forced herself to speak.

“You’re not on your own, Spencer.” She reached across the table and put her hand on top of his. “Just because you left the BAU, doesn’t make us any less family. We will all be there to help you if that’s what you need. You’re never on your own, ok?”

Spencer nodded, blinking rapidly to try and clear his eyes of tears. Daisy skulked back over, sliding back into her chair and he removed his hand from Garcia’s.

“Everything ok?” Daisy asked, tucking back into her pie.

“Everything’s just fine, pumpkin.” Spencer looked at the printout and balled it up in his hands, making both Daisy and Penelope frown.

“What are you doing?” Garcia grabbed the paper from his hand.

“I don’t need it.” He shook his head. You liked the last house, Daisy? You think your sister will like it?”

“We’d both get bigger bedrooms.” Daisy nodded. “And it’s super close to school, I could walk from there. And Meredith only lives two blocks away.”

“Ok.” He took a sip of his coffee. “Then I’ll call the realtor and I’ll make an offer.”

Penelope and Daisy exchanged a look of slight disbelief and confusion. When they looked back at Spencer, he had a determined look on his face.

He finished his coffee and stood up, pulled his phone out of his pocket and headed towards the cafe door. Daisy and Penelope watched him go.

“What did you say to him, Aunty Penny?” Daisy gasped a little, looking back at her aunt.

“He just needed a little reminder that his family had his back.” Garcia smiled, taking Daisy’s hand and giving it a soft squeeze. “Do me a favour though?”

“What’s that?”

“Just keep an eye on your dad for me. He pretends to be strong for you and your sister but he’s a lot more fragile than you’ll ever know. Just keep an eye on him, ok?”

“Ok.” Daisy nodded, watching her dad through the window as he paced the street with his phone to his ear.

She knew what her aunt was saying was true, her dad was fragile even if he’d never admit it. But as long as she was his daughter, he would never be alone, she would make sure of it.

After everything he’d done for her in her life, it was the least she could do to return the favour.

@andiebeaword @muffin-cup @measure-in-pain @dreatine @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @justreadingficsdontmindme @spencer-reid-wonderland @thebloomingeagle @foxy-eva @kbakery @simxican @aysixdy @givemeth @loonalockley @shamelessfangirl-3 @redbulldinner @derekm24 @pinkiceee-prose @werewolfbansheelove @mindbelova @angelicasworld

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #single dad! spencer reid #spencer reid x fem! reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

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scarletmaster143 · 11 months

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Okay here we go

The Barbie Movie 2023: a transcendental experience

I would like to preface this by admitting that I cried essentially throughout the entire movie. I was crying in the first twenty minutes when Barbie entered the Real World and found that it was the complete opposite of BarbieLand. Several other people have made this comparison but the scene where Barbie gets catcalled and harassed on the street, where she feels too conscious about everything (the tea scene with Ruth especially) is so vital because that is how every young girl I have met has felt when they begin puberty. Ken, of course exemplifies the masculine perception, the confidence and esteem that comes with realising that "Men rule the world". The way he is not a bad character but the draw of power is so strong even for someone as "accessory" as a Ken doll and so he goes along with the patriarchal system. Barbie feeling utterly lost after learning that she has not been in fact empowering women as she had thought, rather she was a "fascist". My take is that the criticism against Barbie is valid in that there is little diversity among the dolls and yes there are certain things that can be improved upon. However it is parallel-y true that Barbie can be ANYTHING. Especially in a world where success and happiness have come to be defined by such limited criteria Barbie rightly points out that most girls are ordinary, they are not scientists or presidents or nobel prize winners, however that does not mean they are unworthy of consideration, of respect and of care.

I am unsure what is the broad internet verdict on Barbie but I do believe that the movie encapsulates a very specific feminist experience where it's not that men are at fault for everything, Ken does ultimately admit, along with the directors of Mattel, that he does not want to be in power all the time. However, Gerwig refuses to dictate how men should behave, they will have to go to the Real World themselves and figure it out. Barbie however gets to learn that just saying "I don't want anything to change" does not stop things from changing. As someone who uses the exact same phrase several times, it hit me hard when, despite her best efforts, things kept changing. The loss of control and increasing uncertainty that adulthood brings is enough to make anyone into a Depression Barbie (complete with BBC Pride and Prejudice) but Gerwig also says that just because things are changing does not mean that we are simply helpless. We have people around us, mothers and grandmothers and daughters and Weird Barbies, who are there to support us. America Ferrara's rant about how women can never be perfect or likeable is a cinematic masterpiece- it reflects the constant discourse around what it means to be a modern woman and ultimately puts forward that women can be "anything", they don't need to be only perfect- if nothing they do is perfect then there is no need to desire perfection, they can remain as they are. Sasha was a surprisingly heartwarming character, I was fully expecting her to be annoying. All the Kens were hilarious, of course, the little Sex Education cast reunion was adorable. The style of the movie may not suit everyone's taste, it is loud, over the top and camp as fuck, everything is a reference, the fourth wall is essentially non-existent. But at its core the Barbie Movie is a lesson in growing up- it is a tale of someone who has to find herself and accept herself before becoming a human. Interestingly, Barbie reflects adolescence quite literally (I was half expecting Gerwig to put in a menstruating reference, but it makes sense that she didn't, considering the no-vagina thing) and the last scene where she asks to see her gynecologist is not only symbolic of her becoming a human but also of her becoming a woman. She is a doll in the beginning like pre-adolescent girls are often called but then she goes through terrible things where she is not fully doll, but not fully human, and lastly when she has become human, shedding her doll part. Adolescent girls are rarely allowed to be anything other than perfect "dolls" even when they are having the most terrible period of their lives and Barbie's constant desire to make things return to as they were shows how she also wants to remain a doll, but once she accepts that things need to change she starts shedding her doll nature and starts becoming human. This is still a sad process but now Barbie knows (thanks to Ruth) that no matter what she will be okay as a human.

In conclusion Barbie is not a movie that is of the feminist genre, at least not to me, rather it is a coming of age story for some of the most iconic characters in pop culture.

#barbie #barbie movie #margot robbie #america ferrera #ryan gosling #simu liu #writing #desi academia #also yes my friends and I dressed up as the dreamhouse characters #i was chelsea #spoilers #barbie spoilers

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murderofcrow · 6 months

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I just wanted to add my two cents in regards to Will's Sleep Token essay. As I'm not the best in articulating myself adequately, this is very rambly but alas.

I think Will and I have a very similar view on metal. Back when I first started listening to metal, I started with mostly death metal and melodic death metal and while I still like some of those bands, it lost the spark for me over time. I had the feeling that there isn't a lot of variation and that a lot of bands follow the same specific formula, which bored me personally.

That only changed once I started branching out into the realms of j-rock and especially metalcore. I know a lot of elitists shit on metalcore specifically because it doesn't follow this specific outdated formula of metal and therefore is deemed as "not heavy enough" and simply "not metal". I've always thought that's utter bullshit.

I love that bands, especially nowadays, are not afraid to experiment with sounds and vocals. I love that they have the ability to reach people outside the metal scene too. I love the fact that metal is becoming more popular amongst the newer generations of music fans. And I love that other metal subgenres have been slowly branching out as well. Metalcore made me realise that there is much more to metal and it made me appreciate the genre more as a whole. I think this is also why I get so passionate when people try to diminish metalcore's influence and deny it's validity in the scene.

But to get on the topic of Sleep Token... I get a very similar feeling from this band too. For several years I haven't really been an active music listener and didn't keep up with a lot of bands, because I was just so depressed, that I didn't find much joy in anything. I was about to hit rock bottom once again but then I heard Sleep Token. Their music has felt like a warm embrace of a dear friend. Like a helping hand dragging you out of the ocean when you're about to get swallowed by the waves. I've never gotten this sense of belonging and being undestood from any other musical artist before. At least not to this extent. Not only have they helped me personally more than I could ever put into words, they have reignited my love for metal and music as a whole once again.

Sleep Token are a collective of incredibly talented musicians and no matter how much some want to deny it, they are a band that is one of a kind. That is because Vessel is a hugely unique artist. I have praised him multiple times already so I'll keep it short this time (I'll try at least). Similar to Will, what really drives me towards Sleep Token are Vessel's vocals. His way with words and his delivery to me is absolutely unique in the way how unapologetically emotional he is. Despite obviously being a skilled and polished singer, he still has a certain rawness and imperfection that oddly enough makes the songs as a whole perfect. And as I said multiple times before, I think a huge part of why he can be so vulnerable is because he is anonymous. Instead of putting his face out he's putting out his heart and soul and you can truly feel the rawness of emotions in everything that man puts out. Which, again, is why the anonymity is much more than an interesting gimmick to distinguish them from other bands.

A lot of modern bands are currently changing and expanding the sound of metal and Sleep Token is definitely one of those bands too. They are a breath of fresh air that is definitely needed to demolish those outdated views of how metal should look and sound like.

#apologies for the rambling i'm not the best with words but i had a lot of thoughts #i have even more thoughts but i'll leave it at this #sleep token #sleep token worship #will ramos #lorna shore #metal #metal music #personal shit

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radrage · 1 year

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Hello goobers. Have some Hancock headcanons that refuse to leave my brain. (I spent far too long condensing this I have so many hcs for this man)

pansexual he/they king. I refuse to believe this ghoul has made a decision ever. Like, look at him. He screams "I DO NOT CARE. IF IT HAS A HOLE AND CAN CONSENT, GIVE IT TO ME." Same goes with pronouns. He prefers he/him, but they/them is also a-okay. I reckon he picked it up from KLE0, who introduced him to the concept of ~gender identity~. I don't rlly like the poly hc that some people have bc I feel after what happened with McDonough, he's scared of betrayal, and having more than one (serious) partner at a time feels eerily similar to the feeling he got when he realised his own brother went against him.

Hes only in his late 20s/VERY early 30's. Maybe like, 29? I like to think he was only 18 or so when McDonough pulled his stunt, and that's why he turned to drugs. Being young and stupid, he didn't know what else to do.

Daisy is like a second mother to him. After his mum died, Hancock fell into a deep depression, which Daisy helped pull him out of. She also raised him when Martha was working, and would teach him and McDonough how to read, write, etc. Probably made him play an instrument at one point. Because of her, Hancock has just about the neatest handwriting you'll ever see. His f's and t's have little flicks and his i's are dotted with little x's.

He had an obsession with photography for a while. When he'd black out on chems, Hancock would forget most of his nights. This was a good thing for a while; it helped him escape his reality, but after waking up with a Deathclaw egg in his hands, buck naked and in a tree, he decided to start recording everything he did. If you look under the couch in his office, there's several albums from previous benders. Whenever you come across a camera he gets all excited and starts spewing facts about the make, model, and specs. Probably used the entirety of the Commonwealths film supply.

He's a sucker for compliments. Like, he'd probably die if you called him handsome. Being a ghoul, its pretty uncommon for him to be called anything other than an irradiated freakshow. So, even if its just an offhand "You look nice today", the chance of him melting would be pretty damn high. One time, Sole called him a work of art and he didn't stop smiling for an entire month. He still thinks about it. If romanced, Sole leaves little notes with compliments around their house for him to find. Before meeting Sole, Hancock would often brush off any form of positivity by going "They're being ironic." and on several occasions has admitted to regretting his choice of becoming a ghoul. This isn't true in the end, because, in his words "If I hadn't done everything I did, you wouldn't be in my life." Bonus: Hancock's really smart. This is actually canon as he has the second highest intelligence stat of any companions, but he acts like an absolute dumbass. Like, sometimes he'll ask Sole what 2 + 5 is, and then sometimes he'll write an entire thesis on the etymology of his name in an afternoon. The dumbest, smartest ass on this side of the seaboard.

#fallout 4 #fallout #fo4 #bethesda #fallout 4 companions #fallout 4 hancock #fallout 4 headcanons #hancock fo4 #hancock fallout 4 #hancock #video games #hcs

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tleeaves · 6 months

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Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine - how it would have ended

Hello, folks! As some of you already know or have heard me mention previously, my TLH fanfic WBITHOM is coming to an end. I am no longer comfortable with it being in the public eye since it involves a lot of personal stuff for me, and so I have decided to delete the fic entirely on every platform it's been published on (that's Quotev, AO3, and Wattpad) rather than rewrite the entire thing. This will also finally give me the chance to focus on other written works. Maybe I'll return to fandom with a rewrite one day for anyone interested, but for now, the future is dedicated to other things. The fic will be deleted in 48 hours, so readers on Quotev and AO3 have a chance to download the unfinished fic if they so desire before then or just have one last read. I ask that no one rewrites or adds an ending to my fic and publishes it anywhere without my knowledge and permission. Never put an author's work through AI either. I still have several copies of my fanfic and its outline, so I will always have evidence of where the story comes from.

WBITHOM is a monster, with the master document coming to well over 150,000 words and the fic so far being ~146,000 words (the entire outline and all my notes makes up over 4,000 words, yes). I predict that, had I finished the fic, it would come close to 188,000 words (so, there was a decent ways to go still). It's the biggest thing I've attempted, but because of that, it is also the most time-consuming (it's been almost a year and a half of writing, and each chapter either takes two full days to write or weeks) and it takes up the most space in my head, not really leaving room for the other ideas I want to explore.

So, as someone suggested, I thought I'd give readers who were hoping to see the fic to its proper end some closure. That's what this post is for: how it would have ended. Along the way, I'll explain some things too about recurring themes and motifs and all manner of behind the scenes and thoughts behind my ideas.

Character Arc Summaries

As readers know, this story follows the characters of Lila Raftis, James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs, and Matthew Fairchild. They're all the most significant figures, though we do see other perspectives and side characters too. Essentially, Lila Raftis struggles with loneliness due to a myriad of other issues she has to work through, and James Herondale's arc starts with his depression and turns into a journey to authenticity where he feels like his own person and not just what he has been written or expected to be. Cordelia Carstairs' physical state of being lost extends to how lost she is within, and she ends realising that she has been continuously defining herself through other people. I see her as leaving London and the love triangle with James and (unconfessed) Matthew (and Lila) to deconstruct a lot of the ideals she was trying to live up to and why. As for Matthew Fairchild, I made the deliberate decision for him to turn into a werewolf and have that separation from Shadowhunter society so that he could pursue the arts and build a better life that he would find more satisfaction with, also eventually becoming sober. I took inspiration from his time at the academy, particularly when he turns to Lila in one of the earlier acts and asks if it's so bad to not be a Shadowhunter. At first, he regrets turning, but I planned for him to wind up relieved.

Honestly, while this work is very self-insert (and that's not a bad thing generally, but I've been finding it uncomfortable as time goes on, so that's why I prefer to take it down and keep it to myself), it was also my way of going How It Should Have Ended for the TLH series as a whole. I started it before ChoT, yes, but that book only led to minor changes and alternate paths taken -- I was already using ChoI as a base to steer these characters in the directions I thought they should go.

The Rest Of Act Three

The rest of Act Three of the fanfic is summarised below (...at length. It's a lengthy summary).

We ended the fanfic on the chapter where James and Lila returned to London, 1903 of his dimension. He was gravely wounded in his left arm, which ends up being amputated despite the efforts of Lila and Lucie (and Gus' help too). This is, of course, a reference to the recent fan art of James where a headcanon went around that the reason we couldn't see his other arm was because it just didn't exist. I took it and ran, which was not planned. I knew I wanted James injured so that Lila could return the care he once had shown her when she was wounded badly, but it wasn't going to be as severe as it ended up being. This is how we ended up at the Institute instead of 48 Curzon Street as I had previously planned for the chapter. James was going to be fine, but Cordelia had decided to confront Lila about several things, and they'd end the night having kissed -- which in turn leads Lila to going for a walk to clear her head and her subsequently getting kidnapped by Jonathan Bell (the Other James from another dimension). Anyway, the change did make some of these plot points awkward (😭) hence why I spent ages editing the make out between Lila and Cordelia because I could not decide how it should start and end. It was a nightmare. As Silver pointed out, it didn't make a whole lot of sense in the order of events (Cordelia should have gone to see James first), but I was in a mad rush to finally release the update since I knew people were waiting. The kidnapping also was not quite as dramatic as I envisioned it, but oh well. I'm actually quite happy with the rest of the chapter though.

From there comes the rest of the fic that readers probably will not get to experience, so that's why I'm writing this out, so you at least know the mysteries that I won't get to reveal and how we get to the end.

Jonathan Bell kidnaps Lila and, through the use of shadow, they end up in Paris, France. This is where Matthew also fled after his mother released him from the Silent City cells after he persuaded her into it. Lila ending up there and being away from both James and Cordelia, and spending more one-on-one time with our antagonist and Matthew since the earlier parts of the book was always intended.

Jonathan is revealed to have possession of another silver pen, which is a reference to a previous fanfic I wrote (also deleted) called Chain of Lies, where the pen could literally rewrite reality if you used your own blood for ink. In Jonathan's dimension, Lila ended up staying in his world and marrying him, but she also dies of a mysterious sickness during their honeymoon, so he uses the pen to go back in time and cancel their honeymoon, under the impression she would not get sick. Instead, she was hit by a car several days earlier, and died in the accident. Jonathan goes back again to stop that from happening, but Lila ends up dying again anyway, over and over again in different ways, every time Jonathan reverses time to prevent each event from occurring. Eventually, he goes so far back in their timeline together that he's reliving the December when they met, and that's how he knows how to divert the accidents in WBITHOM that threaten harm to this other dimension's Lila (are you still with me?). But before that, he created a time loop in that December of his dimension just trying to keep Lila alive for two years of his life whereas everyone else remained the same, but stuck in time. It's supposed to be very angsty and tragic, and it's a demonstration of one of James Herondale's core traits eventually twisting horribly wrong: how he would do anything for those he loves, whether that be family, friends, or lovers.

This character flaw/strength is something I reference lightly a few times throughout the fanfic, mostly in the ways he is concerned about the safety of his family and friends which he tries to find out from Lila, who has read Chain of Iron and knows what the future is supposed to be, and then how he reflects on how he does not know what he would do when someone he loves dies. Honestly, the issue is that he cares too much about people, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how far it goes. Jonathan is the literal embodiment of what would happen if James' care went too far, if it bordered on obsession, if he wanted to keep someone from dying so bad that he would sacrifice everything else, even the universe.

So, Jonathan finally confesses to the time-loop and explains that as a drastic measure, he tried finding Lila in another dimension to see if he could save her there, but this tearing of the time-loop to escape it worsened a tear that Cordelia had already created in her fight with Belial and the Mandikhor to such a point that it started growing and expanding and destroying the fabric of time and space between dimensions and the universe as a whole. You know, wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff (Doctor Who reference for those who get it). The thing he did not realise though is that in this timeline, Lila is not meant to die, so long as she goes back home instead of staying in 1903 (he still doesn't know this, it's just a fact I would have explained to the readers when we meet Circe, the employer of Poppy Morad (P.M.) and Saint Nicholas). This is supposed to leave Lila conflicted, because as much as she wants to hate his guts for being the reason for her family disappearing and the worlds ending, even this Other James is a reflection of her own nature, which is another thing that's been lingering beneath the surface for the duration as the fic: while James has a doppelganger that demonstrates who he might become if he cannot accept loss, he and Lila have similarities boiling beneath the surface that go unnoticed until an outburst we saw Lila have where she basically accuses James of being just like her (not complimentary at the time).

Lila as a character is someone who cares deeply, but is willing to sacrifice herself and others to protect what or who she cares deeply about (yet we also see her choose self-preservation over self-sacrifice a few times before she truly starts acting in service of others). Her circle of people she cares about is more limited than James', but the shared sentiments still stand. Plus, the way Jonathan has acted this entire time has always bordered on unnerving or odd -- I did that on purpose. He's been driven to obsession, where he's basically an extreme of what James and Lila believe in. And he is both James and not James in this way, if that makes sense. We see in one of Lila's nightmares earlier in the book Jonathan saying it does not matter which version of him he is or which version of her she is -- they belong together. Fully delusional at this point, but it's meant to be scary. I'm kind of obsessed that Jonathan is also a mirror for Lila to see how she might look to her James: someone who knows you way too well, but you've also never met nor know much about at all (she might know James but she does not know this one), who's inexplicably fixated on you (granted, James did not even begin to guess Lila's feelings, and hers were rather superficial in a way until they spent more time together).

Anyway, basically, the start of this rewrite of Chain of Lies pretty much began with these dynamics between the two Jameses and Lila. It was a whole thing with diagrams and late night ranting to my poor sister and everything.

So, of course, Lila is conflicted and she also does not know how she's supposed to get Jonathan to reverse the problem he has created -- whether he's also supposed to go back to his dimension and whether that will be enough to repair the tear. Most of this happens in the Notre Dame cathedral because I said so (I like cathedrals as settings, sue me if you dare).

Meanwhile, Matthew has been in Paris and totally avoiding Charles, so he also hears nothing of Will and Tessa being notified about James' injury in London and leaving by portal. But he does hear some French Shadowhunter gossip about the Consul's werewolf son's disappearance when he discovers Lila being taken to the cathedral by a masked man. Then ensues a solo rescue operation. Honestly, I always have a lot of fun writing Matthew, it's hard not to include him more. Anyway, the rescue is successful, and he takes Lila back to his hotel room to lay low for the night before he gets her back to London with the others (since he recognises that they must have no idea where she is, what happened, and she's an integral part of solving this whole mess, as people are still disappearing in this world).

I had a really nice scene planned that I'd been waiting the entire book to write, but basically Lila and Matthew spend a sober night together (as opposed to their time in the Silent City together) where they talk about all their woes, including their love lives, and eventually they get on to the topic of how they could have smoothed over both their dilemmas if they just had each other as lovers, if only their similarities were not such that would probably be self-destructive at this point in their lives. Because we've seen often in the book other characters compare these two, but it's these two themselves who recognise that, yes, they are alike in some ways, but not the ways it counts in order to have a healthy romantic relationship. They settle on being good friends. Matthew also takes her measurements so they can pick up some quick changes of clothes since Lila's still wearing her grimy outfit she wore during the explosion. And she also brings up that she knows he's an artist, but asks that she have the chance to sketch him, and he offers to do so in return, so they spend the rest of the night drawing, which I just find so sweet. There's not much significance in that at face value, it's just cute, but I also see Matthew embracing an old hobby as one of the first steps he takes in moving on from all his pain and finding better outlets for it.

Also, the platonic nature between Lila and Matthew, the complicated romance with James and Cordelia, and then all the familial themes and side-plots going on are all part of an idea I had going into this that I wanted to demonstrate many facets of love and the importance of each in their individual right. If anything, given the extreme slowburn I've come at James/Lila/Cordelia with particularly, I want to end this book purposefully with none of them winding up together because so many other things mattered more than their romance, and even the kind of loves they have for each other are a reason they don't end up staying because they would all rather see each other safe and not see each other at all than know they might cause other problems by being in the wrong dimensions.

Anyway, because I do multiple perspectives for everything, while Matthew and Lila and Jonathan have their bit going on in Paris, back in London we see James coming to terms with his disability and in all his rumination over what's happened and Lila being missing but him being unable to go out and find her, James finally (FINALLY!) realises his romantic feelings for Lila. This also leads to a scene between him and Cordelia where they both discuss Lila and their feelings for her. Cordelia also confesses how she has felt for James for a long time, but she also explains that she wants nothing to come of it anymore because she does not see herself settling down with him like she previously thought. James is a bit stung by this (I mean, my guy had no idea about Cordelia's true feelings until now and then she also springs a rejection on him at the same time when he's just begun to realise some of his own feelings around her) but is ultimately relieved since he feels he needs more time to figure out who he is and the life he wants without the bracelet numbing him.

We also would have seen Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas again and their increasing distress and alarm with how difficult Jonathan Bell has been to track and control since he's hared of to Paris with Lila.

When Jonathan finds out Lila's gone, he feels betrayed and frustrated by his failure. Because while he feels he has saved her, she's refusing to be his as she once was in his dimension (also why he was confused and then against her leaving and going home earlier in the story). The world is breaking down around him (we start to see parts of Paris going up in flames, not unlike London 2021 of Lila's dimension) and he's about to go track Lila down again (but now he's going a bit more heavily into Villain Mode).

We also see Poppy Morad closing in on Jonathan as he returns to London when she's defecting orders from Circe, her higher up, to take him down instead of corralling Lila's effects on the timeline.

Lila and Matthew return to London on Christmas Eve just hours before the end of the world properly starts in 1903. This is also when she and James interact for the first time since he passed out on the bridge several days ago. I was a bit undecided on how I wanted this scene to look, other than I needed them to finally confess their feelings for each other in the rain like a cliche after they have an argument where Lila says that James has everything she wants (and this is where we realise the root of her problem in this whole book is not simply loneliness, but a dissatisfaction with herself and her life, which has lent itself to the more superficial issues she's been having) but that ultimately she also just wanted him though she knows she cannot be with him without risking everything. So, when James confesses his side, they decide to spend what little time they have left with each other as best as they can. (And this where I as an author push them together like Barbie dolls and go "now kiss").

Have I mentioned this story has too many layers and plot points and it's been driving me mad this entire time I've been writing it? Anyway.

They quickly determine with The Gang™️ that "Belial" and "Lilith" are not who they seem to be anymore, because while Alastair just got arrested for the murder of Lilian Highsmith (oh yeah, that happens while Lila and Matthew are in Paris, because I wanted a reversal where it's Thomas who stands up for Alastair when he's accused of murder, just for funsies) everything else that has happened seems to be related to whoever this P.M. (remember when Cordelia was also accused of murder because Filomena thought she saw Cordelia when she was attacked?) and Matthew body double is (spoiler: Poppy Morad and Saint Nicholas are codenames for other versions of Cordelia Carstairs and Matthew Fairchild in another timeline, I'll explain more about this later, but what you can probably surmise already is that this alternate Cordelia has taken the place of Belial within this dimension and is the one murdering all the victims (including her father. That was a difficult point, because we see in a PM and Saint Nick scene that he's concerned about whether she can go through with it) and Matthew has taken Lilith's place in some minor ways (like hiding and then handing back Cortana at the right moments)).

Anyway, because Lila's kind of behind on some events, she goes to confess to Cordelia (but explain how she also feels about James), when Cordelia says there's a lot more she wants out of life before she pursues romance again. That she's been so consumed by it, by finding love, by getting married, she's lost who she is beneath it all. (Have you noticed the theme for every character in this fic is basically authenticity and finding oneself despite whatever circumstances they find themselves in?)

Then, we also would have seen Lila dedicate herself to taking down Jonathan herself since he's the main problem that's tearing things apart and perhaps if he's killed then he can no longer influence time and reality.

Vaguely, I had planned that James and Lila would have what my outline says is "an emotional night together" because it could mean literally anything and I wasn't totally sure where I wanted it to go. So. Interpret that one how you will with whatever you prefer, honestly. Anyway, while that's happening, we see Matthew go home to his mother who is, understandably, worried sick and mad because he never wrote to her like he was supposed to and Charles return without him. We see Matthew collapse into her arms and just sob. That was the plan. It's important to me that he's actually vulnerable with her for once and that he, a young man too big to be in his mother's arms, lets himself be held anyway. There was also supposed to be a wholesome Thomastair moment that I hadn't really planned, though I knew Alastair would go home with Cordelia afterwards and she would start her journey to forgiving him. We also would have seen her kneel in front of Sona to confess A Whole Lot Of Things about what's been happening in her life, from as early as the marriage blanc and the Blackthorn Manor incident. Basically, everything is supposed to be hopeful even if it hurts just a bit and feels a little bittersweet. Because then in the chapter this all would have taken place in, we'd end with Saint Nicholas and Poppy Morad collecting the pithos from Christopher who picked it up in the background of everything (basically, all the Belial storyline has still been operating as it should, except it's being orchestrated by PM instead of Belial), when Jonathan sneaks up on them and fatally wounds (he had the intent to kill) Saint Nicholas, who he is shocked to find out in that moment is an alternate Matthew.

AND THEN, next chapter we would have had at the tolling of midnight, signaling Christmas day, PM the alternate Cordelia (whose character is the way it is because she's been hardened by some long and traumatic years -- she and alternate Matthew have a tragic backstory that I've been keeping in my back pocket that wasn't really necessary to be explained in the story, but if you want to know more, just ask) drags a dying alternate Matthew back to their tent where Circe, their mysterious employer, is torn away from her work elsewhere to start enacting emergency world-fixing in this timeline. This is also when we find out Circe's identity: she is Cassandra Clare, once again (if you read Chain of Lies) who's codename was derived from the common shortened CC she's referred to in fandom, who has universal powers and basically controls (to an extent) a good portion of the universe. Like a god. But also not. It's a whole mysterious thing that I never intended to explain because I think some things are better unexplained.

THEN, Jonathan shows up to 48 Curzon Street, covered in blood and calling for Lila. A fight between him and James (and sort of Lila who's attacking Jonathan though he refuses to attack her) ensues before he ends it all by taking out a silver pen (The Silver Pen) where we see 'Nikoletta' engraved on it, and writes a time-loop which snaps the final threads keeping all the timelines and dimensions in order.

Act Four Explained Slightly More Briefly

This is the final act of the book and also the shortest. It was planned to only be about six chapters long. Now, I was most excited about this part of the book because I had ✨visions✨. No, literally, the entire inspiration of this entire fanfic came from a dream I had about James Herondale as Spider-Man, me impersonating Cordelia Carstairs and not knowing how to do Shadowhunter things, Santa Claus as Father Time, and the end of the universe, and this is where we would have finally get to see it all come together.

We kick it off with an entire chapter dedicated to a lot of scenes similar to what I've written earlier in the book with Lila and James' nightmares, where nothing makes complete sense and yet the reader is meant to feel on the cusp of understanding something alongside the characters before the dreams usually end. Only they don't here. The dreams are reality, but reality is broken, and there is no waking up because there is also no sleeping and there is no normal but faint memories of what came before. So not only is the environment ever-shifting (think of it almost like a kaleidoscope and you have maybe a quarter of my vision here), but the people also keep "glitching" between different versions of themselves at different points in time and in different realities even (sometimes the doubles join and then they split apart, it's a weird nightmareish sort of thing in my mind), and so they also have different memories and levels of knowledge about things that have happened and what's going on. We see it mostly through Lila and James' perspectives. There's supposed to be a lot of angst and a feel like everything is a fever dream.

In the next chapter, things only start to get slightly ordered when Jonathan Bell finds Lila and says he'll rewrite the universe she wants so that it's perfect for her, and can have it be anything she wants, so long as they are together (major creep vibes though, honestly, as sweet as this might sound to some). This is also me addressing a problem from my original fanfic before this one, Chain of Lies, where I basically gave that silver pen waaay too much power, and now I'm demonstrating what it can do and so, like the one ring to rule them all, it must be destroyed (once Lila or someone else gets a hold of it to rewrite and fix the fabric of everything). Alastair saves Lila from Jonathan this time (he's still a bit prickly, but we see he still cares about Lila anyway), and demands she go find Cordelia to end Jonathan (Cordelia has Cortana which can cut through anything, which is important). Then we also would have seen that James is stranded somewhere with a fluctuating Matthew (the vision is that he keeps changing states from a werewolf to a living corpse to himself at various ages) and they are attempting to find PM, the alternate Cordelia, who knows Circe who should be able to fix everything as PM explains (she got separated from Circe and Saint Nicholas when the world went crazy). She leads them partway before she's taken by the collapsing world (she disappears basically, because that can still happen to people). When Lila finds her Cordelia, she's in the Paladin state (imagine glowing eyes and a vague aura of scariness with a glowing sword and you've got it) and it takes a bit to get through to her so they can make a plan to take down Jonathan.

Chapter after that, we have Cordelia distracting Jonathan so Lila can steal the pen, but she realises she does not know how to write an ending that does not kill all the Jameses since, as Jonathan once put it in her nightmares, "it does not matter which version of him I am... we are the same". This hesitance gets Cordelia fatally wounded, though she's not quite dead yet, but it's the final push Lila needs to kill Jonathan with Cortana (as also seen in a dream she had ages ago without realising it), and Circe finally manages to pull enough worldly strings in this chaos to pause time long enough for James and Lila to reunite to do the re-writing with her.

From there, we have two alternate paths. I called these basically "the happy ending that could have been" and "the bittersweet ending that was", which I was inspired to write by The Umbrella Academy (if you know, you know, I won't spoil it for anyone else who doesn't).

In the happy ending that could have been, we see the characters a couple years down the line. We also find out that Lila would not have died like she did in the other universe. She and James are together and they end up planning to propose to each other on the same day, which is the day after Lila successfully ascends. Then we see Cordelia and Matthew travelling together across the world as friends. After that, we would have seen Thomas and Alastair having dinner at the Lightwoods'. Finally, the Raftis family believe Lila is missing, presumed dead, but after a couple years they are finally moving on.

The bittersweet ending that was though is where Lila goes home. The friends she's made in London 1903 see her off before James takes her back to her dimension where they'd have one final goodbye on Blackfriars Bridge. That night, Cordelia gets on a train to set off and travel on her own. We also see Matthew, who has already picked up Oscar a couple days earlier, going to Gus' flat to complain that Oscar misses Gus and would not stop whining until they came by. We see Matthew finally tentatively suggest a first date, and Gus would accept. We close this part of the ending much like we started the book, with James walking alone in the night, just as he was when he left the Devil Tavern and his story took a different direction to canon when he found himself outside Cornwall Gardens where he met with Alastair. This time, James is alone, and he's feeling a little hopeful about the future ahead.

We get one final chapter before the epilogue where it's mostly Lila's perspective as she finally gets to experience Christmas with her family in 2021 and I planned for the beginning of some family healing and bonding to occur. Then we would have seen future James once more, who it turns out is now tasked by Circe (CC) with maintaining the space between dimensions, but this means he can't be in any one for very long since it's a lot of work that takes up time.

And now we get to the epilogue. Every time I imagine this, I get a little emotional. The epilogue would have began several years in the future with Lila dropping a bi-annual letter into the Thames, which I liken to the River Styx, in that it's where all lost things end up. We see, rather comedically, that she has moved out with the money she gained from some things she "stole" from Curzon Street, as well as her mysterious finding of the adamas, which scientists in her world are still amazed by. We are surprised to see though that when she goes home, she's living with the version of Matthew who nearly died in his previous role as Saint Nicholas, because CC gave him a chance to live out a new life elsewhere, in a dimension where there was not another version of himself. He and Lila seem to be doing well.

We cut to James of around December 1905 who has gone to visit his family at the Institute, where Lucie and Jesse are pouring over Cordelia's latest letter from abroad. James says he was just at Matthew's flat, and Gus was telling him about theories of time travel that the mundanes at the university Gus attends were discussing. We also find out that James himself has written a book, a science fiction piece with a ridiculously long title, about different worlds and the doubles of people that exist. After the dinner, he goes to Blackfriars Bridge and produces several of Lila's letters out of a pocket before stowing them away and shadow travelling to her dimension to leave a letter for her.

The fanfic would have ended on James' letter, which mentions briefly that he is having nightmares again of Belial's return since they have heard nothing have what happened with CC. Aside from that, the letter is rather sweet. But we see that Lila never gets a chance to read it, because CC collects it first and burns it with a lighter while humming "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas".

Concluding Words

And that, ladies, gents, and fair folk, was how Wasting Beats In This Heart Of Mine would have ended. It has potential for a sequel. One I never want to write except in my head because, man, I am so exhausted by this fanfic alone after I already did it as a rewrite of Chain of Lies. If anything, this is the sequel to Chain of Lies and the next potential story would be the third book. It's been a long few years, I'll tell you that.

Some final things:

If you're wondering about that green coat I was always mentioning: it was supposed to be my tell, along with the gold-ringed eyes, for Saint Nicholas being an alternate Matthew, who is also the leader of the SoHo wolf pack in his origin universe. For Poppy Morad as the alternate Cordelia, who worked as Matthew's partner in time shenanigans, it was the fact that people forgot her face once they saw it because of a facial rune she applies (one that does not exist but she has courtesy of working for The CC). That's why people often knew they saw Cordelia, but could not remember the details of that meeting, if they managed to remember her at all.

The reason Lila has essentially what I call "a death aura" is because of her alternate selves, many of whom die, and it's something that leaks between worlds as the walls steadily break down.

At some point in Le Grand Reveal Of The Time-loop, Lila realises that the detailing on Jonathan's mask matches the floral detail on the back of The Joker card she's been carrying around with her sister's initials this whole time, which hints at just how significant some of the objects in this story are and the meanings they can give (The Fool and The Master being other common names for the card, related to its unpredictability and capability of being anything).

Jonathan wears, obviously, his crimson cape, but his clothes are a deep navy blue and this is part of my reference to Spider-Man and the original dream that inspired all of this.

Future James does indeed have diamond stud earrings. I said so.

At the end of the book, CC would have reinstated Lilith and Belial (whom she removed for previously causing problems in other dimensions where they became too aware of alternate timelines) with altered memories, so the stories can generally continue where they left off (some a couple years later, which has some interesting effects if I wrote the next book, in theory).

And I think that's all I have. But if anyone has any questions at all, feel free to reply to the post to ask, message me, or put it straight into the ask box, I'm more than happy to answer since I'm already depriving you of a properly written-out neat ending to everything. Reminder that I am deleting the fanfic WBITHOM in roughly 48 hours from the time of this post, so after that it will not be available on any public platforms for reading. I am not taking down any of my other fanfics (except for the few that I already have some weeks ago).

Thank you to the readers who have supported me on this longass journey. You were often the reason I kept going when I wanted to give up on writing fanfic, especially writing this one, which has been a very trying process (I mean, it took me half a day just to explain the last approximate third of the damn book, for crying out loud). I appreciate the kudos, the comments, and all the enthusiasm. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Take care now, and I'll see you in the updates of other works in the future.

-- streettealee

P.S. special thank you to @thevagabondexpress who endured many hours of me blabbering way too much about this fic and these characters, who I pestered to give me feedback as I fretted over whether I was doing everything right (spoiler: there's no right way, just better ways), and who cared about this when I struggled to. You suggested I might find a way to give readers some closure. And so I also give thanks to @faithfromanewperspective, who went nuts for an Australian OC (understandably, as I would too) and blazed through my entire fic and encouraged me inadvertently to start updating again after a long dry spell. You still absolutely get to see my drafts and outline next time we catch up in person, but I hope for now that this is a good description of the rest of what the book would have been and it gives you some closure, as well as for the other readers. Thank you also to @quantummeep for reading and commenting! I can never get out of my head how even early on in your reading you recognised all the plot threads that I had been weaving together, and it meant so much to me that you appreciated the level of detail I tried to work with.

Thank you all and to the other readers who also supported me 💛

#wasting beats in this heart of mine #wbithom #the last hours fanfic #tlh fanfic

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notquitedeadpod · 7 months

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Today Not Quite Dead turns 365 days old!

A little over a year ago, feeling very disheartened and a little depressed, I decided to take the story about vampires I'd been piddling away with in the background of making Spirit Box Radio and turn it into a single narrator audio drama.

When I did that, I came up with a bunch of anti-rules:

I'd only work on episodes when I felt like it would be fun to do so

I'd make decisions about the story based on what was most emotional to me in the moment, rather than letting myself get stuck in the process of writing something with very restrictive plot goals

If I wasn't asking myself if I'd gone too far at the end of every episode's writing process, I wasn't going far enough

And so, the show was born.

This approach is radically different than pretty much every other writing project I've completed, and that's by design. At the time I started making NQD, I'd faced a pretty big set back with SBR and was struggling to work on it at all. I had a very clear vision for the show which at times made writing it very challenging and restrictive as an experience, and when I was faced with altering that vision, though I'm now convinced it worked out better that way anyway in hindsight, it was really difficult. It made me really rethink my entire approach to working on audio drama.

Writing NQD this radically different way was really good for me. I felt excited and giggly most episodes, and it was the first time I started to feel partially confident about my vocal performances. I noticed it was having a positive impact not just on my relationship with the writing on SBR, but how I felt about its quality overall. By working on something so different that required such a different energy, I came to value SBR more, and by the end of the show's run, I was in love with it the way I was at the beginning.

There's also the fact that I absolutely LOVE vampires. I always have. They're my favourite horror monsters, for reasons which are probably obvious to those of you who have listened to the show. They are almost indistinguishable from humans at a glance, they can live among us undetected, for the most part, but they are NOT human. They're different in importnat and unresolveable ways. As someone who has always struggled to fit in, this has forever resonated with me, and for most of my adult life, I've had an unserious vampire project or two being whittled away at in the background.

There were also some problems with how I wrote season one. NONE of the dates, times or ages lined up properly, and I frequently found I'd written myself into very boring, unfunny plot corners I'd have to spend a lot of time reasoning my way out of, which is no fun at all.

Something interesting, but not really good OR bad, is that LOTS of people found the show felt very trans to them, though none of the characters are transgender in canon. I'd not written the show this way intentionally, but it was very cool to see that other people had found this thematic thread buried in the story.

By the time I got to the end of Season One, I had to admit to myself that despite my best intentions, I had written a show with plot and themes. This was entirely an accident, but I was pretty happy to realise it. I also found that this show, something I'd written primarily for myself, had a real audience. This was a delightful thing to realise. You're all freaks, and I adore that for you, and I hope you're incredibly proud of yourselves, and I mean this entirely seriously. I am a freak too, otherwise I would not be able to write the show at all.

Anyway. We're over halfway through Season Two now, and my approach to the show has changed quite a lot. Though it has remained a project that is predominantly vibes-led, I've also found it exciting to spend some serious time thinking about the show's arcs and future and really indulging in making it As Much As Possible. As you will see over the next several episodes, that is So Much, actually.

On this year's first anniversary of Not Quite Dead, I find myself once again disheartened and depressed, because it's the slow slide into the long nights of winter, and as much as I love the cold and the dark, I struggle with my mental health year-round and this particular change of seasons is the one I feel is the hardest. But I'm also damned proud of this show, and not despite it's silliness, but BECAUSE of it. It's made me a stronger character writer, a better performer, and it's been a disgusting amount of fun.

Here's to another year of this ridiculous show about vampires.

Live. Laugh. Bite.

#not quite dead #audio drama #not quite dead pod #not quite dead podcast #gay vampires #vampire podcast #vampires #vampire #nqd pod #horror #nqd #eira speaks

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shawncantwrite · 8 months

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I know you've been hurt in this walk of life. (let me find my shoes, I will walk with you.) - A Larissa Weems x Reader hurt/comfort fic.

A/N: purely self indulgent. as previously mentioned on the last episode of dragon ball z, my partner of two years broke up with me. On top of that, I've been relapsing because I'm oh so smart, but enough of the sob story, Have this fic I coughed up during my Depressive episode

This isn't proofread because, well, my proofreader dumped me 😭

TW: Self-depricating thoughts, Self-harm, implied child abuse, just the sads all around

Your life was shit. Pure unadulterated shit. It feels like from the moment you were born the universe was out to get you, like every circumstance was a "fuck you" to the face. Nothing ever went right for you. For starters, your parents were the absolute worse. They were constantly breathing down your neck about your grades and about how you present yourself in public, gotta protect their image they would say. From a young age you had to act older than you ever should have had to. Then in highschool everything just came crashing down on you, fear of the future, dread from the past... you finding out you were an outcast was just the cherry on top; it was one thing for you to be your family burden, but now you're also a blood sucking monster! Just your luck.

Life was a sea you were drowning in constantly, you felt as if there wasn't a day where water wasn't in your lungs and your mind wasn't constantly belittling you. It was tiring, exhausting, whatever else is synonymous. You just want it to stop. You wanted to feel something other than your emptiness, your constant dread of a lack of purpose.

Maybe that's when it started.

The first time was an accident. You were working on a school project and was cutting up some cardboard for a model, unfortunately you're a clutz and you accidentally dropped your cutter. You winced and grabbed your wrist which was now bleeding. Oddly enough though... you didn't really mind. You'd blamed the vampirism then but.. then you found that the cuts on your wrist went from accidental to on purpose.It was a dumb idea now that you think about it, you realise that now, maybe not then. You wanted to feel something, anything. The stinging sensation of the blade piercing your flesh was intoxicating, it hurt, but it hurt so comfortably. You found solace in it, no matter how morally grey it seemed.

But now, several years later, standing in front of your bathroom sink and staring down at the very same flesh you've abused all theseyears you can't help but loathe the scars you made. It's entirely your fault, you think, but that doesn't make you hate it any less. You stare and stare, each scar a reminder of how miserable you were, how pathetic you were.

It was a reminder of what life was like before her.

Larissa was a breath of fresh air in your miserable life. If you walked around with a rain cloud above your head she was the one holding and offering you an umbrella. She made your life a little bit more tolerable simply by being in it. Ever since meeting Larissa, you've noticed you've made some good changes to yourself. One of them being that you were almost half a year clean from cutting yourself!

..Almost.

Your hands grip the edge of the sink tightly, fighting back tears as you stare at two fresh scars you made the night before. That familiar feeling of dread filled you again, blinding yourself from seeing reason. Relapse is normal, Larissa once said, but you refused to tell her, you didn't want to disappoint her.

Then again, nobodys more disappointed in you than you are.

You're so lost in your self-loathing that you fail to hear the front door to your apartment open, Larissa had a spare key, you felt it was only right for her to have one by your 7th monthasarry. She calls out for you from the living room, but you're too busy hating the person in the mirror to realise that.It's only too late when you realise. The door to the bathroom clicked open, your angel's voice filled with such worry over your silence. You're like a puppy around Larissa, the moment she's back in your vicinity you're like a dog missing it's owner and suddenly you're all over her. Not tonight, though. Tonight you were quiet. Tonight you were staring at yourself and your scars, hating yourself like you always do.

It's only then you look up to stare at her, she's quick to be by your side her hands rough, a testament to her hardwork, yet so soft and gentle when handling you. She grabs onto your wrist and notices the fresh scar from the night before, her beautiful oceanic eyes painted with deep worry.

She takes you to your bedroom and sits you down. She's talking, but it all feels like it's underwater to you, you felt like the world and everything around you wasn't real at the moment, with nothing but the ringing in your ears distracting you. You try to make out what she's saying but ultimately give up. She's cleaning your wound, you notice, she's taken a first aid kit and she's making sure your cut is properly disinfected. Her touch is so soft and caring, it almost makes you tear up and cry. You stare at her, her eyes fixated on her task. You take a moment to admire her, her beautiful blonde hair, the way her brows furrow and her nose scrunches when she's focused.. for a moment, you're lifted from the tide and you can see clearly; you see her. Your Larissa, Your love.

When you realise those blue eyes are staring back at you, that's when you notice you seem to have regained your grasp on reality, she's looking at you with such warmth yet such worry, you feel bad for burdening her, but you've never been a burden, not to her, no. She adores you. She wishes you could see that.

"Are you okay?" Her words finally register, you blink at her, unsure what to say. Are you okay? You don't know yourself, honestly. She can see the conflict going on in your mind and hums, as if understanding something, her hand hovers over your cheek, a silent question in her eyes. You press your cheek into her palm and nuzzle into it, your eyes closing at the warmth and familiarity of her touch. Her eyes soften at that, her thumb caressing your cheek.

"Do you want to talk about it?" You shake your head, finding yourself unable to speak. She nods in understanding and the two of you stay there for a while, a comfortable silence falling between the two of you.

Eventually, She moved you further onto the bed. Her heels were discarded somewhere across the room, her coat hanging against the headboard, you stare up at her as she situates you so that your head lay on your chest, the steady rise and fall of chest calming your nerves and anxiety that you didn't even realise was there.

Silence falls between you two again, but you don't mind at all. Her hand mindlessly draws shapes on your back with her fingers. You bury yourself in her embrace, her touch alone lifting away all your worries... well.. almost all of them. You felt the need to open up to her but you hesitate, that same old voice in the back of your head telling you not to bother her with your pathetic whines. But as you look up at her and you find her staring back at you with nothing but love and warmth.. you can't help but let the dam loose.

You lay there and open up about everything, how tired you've felt recently, how disgusting you feel especially when it comes to your scars. You want to cry, but you can't, so you just kept it all in until you couldn't anymore. As you rant, She listens to you intently, her eyes filled with nothing but understanding and care. When you end your small tangent, she brings your wrist up to her face and presses a kiss to it.

"Thank you for telling me," She whispers softly, her lips pressing against the skin of your wrist, you shiver at the contact, confused as to what she's doing. She continues to kiss your wrist.. no, your scars, you notice, and you watch in silence, your eyes curious yet filled with warmth.

She takes her time with each one, each kiss soft and meaningful. You could feel the pure love radiating off of her, it was overwhelming. It nearly made you cry, but what really did it were her next words."I know I can't do much to help you see yourself the way I see you." She mutters against your skin, her eyes reading into yours.

"But not once have I ever found you pathetic or disgusting, nor have I ever thought you were a burden." She pulls away from your wrist and caresses your cheek once again, her gaze filled with sincerity. You listen to her, clinging onto each word, the familiar feeling of warmth from her comfort already lifting the weigh on your shoulders.

"And most of all," She grabs your wrist with her free hand, her fingers gliding across the skin. "These scars... while the way they got there is.. unconventional. They're a testament to how resilient you are, how resilient you have been."

"I will never view them as disgusting, because despite everything, they still make up the person that you are, and I love you all the same. And I'll continue to do so, For as long as you'll have me."

Tears sting your eyes, but not in a bad way, never in a bad way with Larissa. Your heart was swelling with such gratitude and love for the woman before you. You can't help but stammer like an idiot, your tears spilling down your cheek. It was an embarrassing sight, you're sure of it, but not to her, she wipes away every tear wordlessly, no judgement or mockery in her eyes. Just pure unfiltered love, love you never recieved growing up, love you needed all this time, love you deserved, love she offered.

As you fall asleep that night with her arms wrapped around you and the steady beating of her heart lulling you to sleep, you come to the conclusion that living isn't so bad, as long as you had your Larissa.

#larissa weems x reader #I am hanging on by a thread #Waaaaaaa #Hurt and comfort yayyy #This isn't cash money #It's fine I'll be okay #Just some sadness with comfort #It's funny I posted this on kinktober #Because I'm probably going to read a smut fic after this #You will too #This is also on ao3 I think I don't remember hahahahah

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9w1ft · 9 months

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Hi :) Sorry to disturb but I’m not sure who to ask this to, and I think perhaps you might be able to help?

I’ve been a kaylor for the past two years but I still have my doubts on the timeline from the lover era and forward.

I was wondering if you believe that during these years taylor and karlie broke up. I first got the idea while listening to folklore, and realised that perhaps some of these “fictional” stories were not fictional at all so I’ve believed for a long time that kaylor broke up during the lover era and that lead to the very depressing songs on both folklore and evermore and others on midnights like maroon.

recently, though, I’ve started to have doubts cause I’ve seen some of your posts and there are a lot of coincidences that link karlie and taylor, like that pic of karlie in that blue thing hinting at 1989 tv.

Would you mind clarifying what you personally believe? Or do you have a timeline post that might help me?

sorry to disturb you and thank you if you read/answer this <3

hey! thank you very much for your ask

sorry it took some time to answer. in these trying times it’s always hard to gauge how much you want to lay it all out 😆

here is a post i wrote a little bit ago, though it is kind of vague as well

there is no timeline post i know of that explains the timeline that i believe, sadly. but i have never been in a rush to write one because i kind of think they would want to have this pocket of time that is forever ambiguous, because of the decisions they might have made.

at a base level i don’t think that it’s so difficult to comprehend. what’s the old phrase? first comes love, then comes marriage, then…. you can probably recall the rest. these are milestones that it’s not wild to assume someone might hope to achieve with the love of their life, you know?

i’m going to also assume you believe that they were together during at least part of lover era. seeing as how the lover music video shows the image of two parents in a house gifting their child a snowglobe with their love story inside of it. we see that taylor is already thinking ahead to the kind of life she might want to lead. and because of celebrity tiktoks we have this hint that taylor was very likely to have come out at the end of june 2019 in lover era, but did not.

so if we are to assume that this is what happened, that taylor got the rug pulled from under her and suddenly scooter was poised to profit off of taylor’s work, we might say that one thing taylor decided to do was halt her best laid plan. there may have been several things that froze her but one big reason, i believe, is because it would have led to an explosion of traffic from new listeners, all of which scooter would have financially benefitted from. there’s an interview out there where taylor talks about going out of her way to prove a point, and while you can infer she’s talking about re-recording her work to the interviewer, i think it goes beyond that.

think about karlie in this situation as well. if taylor and karlie were going to be publicly friendly again, that, also, would have led to so much publicity and attention on taylor’s back catalog, meaning more money for scooter. but also, karlie was still managed by scooter at the time, and it would probably have led to more bank for him via her because of taylor’s coming out. in my mind, i believe taylor and karlie decided to once again abandon working toward a public reconciliation, that you could argue they had been working towards for awhile, again. they had to tear down the banners again. karlie at once pared down what she was doing and stuck to several important partnerships. heck, she even gave up on hosting a television show that scooter’s company rebooted. with her adidas line, in the behind the scenes footage of her starting her partnership she gushes about how this is something she’s wanted her whole life. estée lauder as well, was something else she said she wanted since she was a kid. these along with carolina herrera seem to me like the precious few things she held onto.

sometimes i think about how karlie started wearing a necklace that said “i can and i will” in a distinctly tayloresque font as she continued being seen with scooter. how she wore this necklace and took all the heat from all the boneheads out there until eventually, we will get mad woman and vigilante shit. good wives always know. she had the envelope where you think she got it from, etc.. to me, this is the proof that they were still very much fine, although they may have been feigning it a bit to get a few things done.

i tried writing some extra stuff for you but sadly it is just more vague thoughts. but if you are interested, take a look below the cut!

before we get tracks like mad woman and vigilante shit, it is still the failed coming out era and taylor is wearing black jumpsuits with jackets tied around her waist and she looks sad. miss americana becomes a political documentary… sometimes i think about taylor’s explanation of the song hoax to aaron during lpss where she explains how she was mad at a lot of different things and people at once.

but then, it’s the strangest thing because the man music video is released, and while taylor bashes men —as she should— its also a very playful and upbeat video where she embodies this persona who is, among other things, the world’s best dad… and then there start to be all these dad jokes. oh yeah, and then the pandemic happened? taylor’s mother also had publicly reported health struggles. lover fest is cancelled. we are in a new landscape, where taylor is thinking about her life and how she wants to live it. she spends some time out west. karlie spends some time out west. karlie starts wearing the Courage onyx amulette de cartier again. jack leopards and the dolphin club release look what you made me do for finding eve.

oh also, folklore is being written from day two of the pandemic, and in time it gets released and then there’s a huge uptick in rumors and articles but in time karlie announces she is with child and everything gets quiet again. well, with a little clowning here and there for good measure but, a lot of fans who were on the kaylor fence hopped off of it. evermore. a feeling so peculiar that the pain wouldnt be forevermore. leave the chips on your shoulder behind, leave it all behind, and maybe there is happiness. interestingly, taylor says she wrote happiness last and like, a week before dropping evermore. she says its a song where she channels a friend who got out of a long term thing and how it’s about how does she pack everything up and put it (it as in… everything?) in a car and drive away (drive away with everything?) and what does she leave there. she also says that she doesn’t know what’s next, that she has no plans anymore. we are now on to no plan taylor. taylor in her no plan era. then we get bonus tracks and karlie —pregnant— gets so much hate directed her way. like if there was ever a soldier down on that icy ground moment for these two i wonder if it wasn’t here (though i think it was likely earlier) but like you say, the coincidences keep coming and the lyrics keep lyricing and things like renegade get released and all and all things continue to make a bunch of sense as to why they’re still connected to one another. oh and taylor wins a grammy for folklore in march minutes after levi is announced to the world. sometimes i think about how the meaning for the name levi is “unity” or “joined” and i think about the kinds of divides there were out there with the you’s and how across the great divide there is happiness, when you… leave… it behind. oh did i mention she continued to use that family crest symbol as she started her re-record journey?

just gonna skip forward to midnights. taylor releases an album that, for me, miraculously, was not just another ‘confessional’ album, but one that provided several songs that together gave literally all the key elements i was looking for in order to solve the mystery for myself. i can identify a potential reason for why things are the particular setup that they are right now and why not the other way around, i see —and hear— something about an important day, and something about an important period of time, and i see a music video that’s quite prophetic, and i hear taylor telling hard truths to the people that need to hear them, whether or not they choose to is still up in the air.

there are so many tour moments and moments during this tour that i could point toward but… i’m pretty sure most of those beats are fresh in your mind still so i’ll keep my ramblings to here for the time being, pending more signs that might suggest i’m on to something here. for now, this has been another freeform rundown of why i am sleeping fine at night 😌

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